Eminent Bromain

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, eminent bro main, Teresa brings the case against her brother Paul.

Paul insists on referring to her childhood bedroom as the guest room, but Teresa thinks it should still be called Teresa's room.

Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents the obscure cultural reference.

Bailiff Jesse, producer Jennifer Marmor, did you notice anything unusual about my old chambers?

We kept it exactly as you left it, dear.

And then we had it filled with cement.

Geez, I've only been gone since yesterday.

Well, some guys will work at night if you throw enough money around.

Oh, Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear them in.

Please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God, or whatever?

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that perhaps the single quality most central to his identity is being an only child?

I do.

I do.

Very well.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Disgusting siblings, you may be seated, Teresa and Paul, for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors, because it delights me to have brother and sister fight one another.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom.

Teresa, let's start with you.

I cannot.

You have to make a guess.

My guess is...

Vacationland by John Hodgman, out in paperback, Memorial Day this year, 2018.

Good guess.

I'll put it in the book.

Sorry, did you want to make another guess?

The guess that I was going to make was I Am Wearing Blue Bedroom by Phil Ward.

What is that?

It's a great song.

I am Wearing Blue Bedroom.

Is that correct?

Yes.

I'm making a note here in the guest book so that I can remember to download this legally.

By Phil Ward?

Yes.

All right.

I am Wearing Blue Bedroom by Phil Ward.

All right, so you're in for two guesses.

I am Wearing Blue Bedroom by Phil Ward.

And Vacation Land, True Stories from Painful Beaches, a story about an only child in Massachusetts and Maine.

Available now in paperback or soon, Memorial Day weekend for your summer reading pleasure.

All right, plugs over.

Paul, your turn.

What's your guess?

So I was definitely going to go with Vacation Land, but since Teresa went for that one,

I'm going to go with some sort of 80s high school movie where they

put cement in the principal's office as a wacky senior prank.

Is this an actual movie or one that you just pitched pitched to us?

Did you like the pitch?

Sold in the room.

Sold in the cement-filled room.

All guesses are wrong, though.

The answer is

the late lamented brief sitcom Get a Life starring Chris Elliott from the very early 1990s, I believe 1991 and 92.

in which Chris Elliott plays an adult, 31-year-old guy who lives at home and still has his old paper route, who moves out for a day, and his father, played by famous comedian Bob Elliott, an actual real-life father to Chris Elliott,

while Chris Elliott is out of the house, has his old room filled with cement.

It's a great show that I highly recommend you watch if you can buy an old laser disc of it.

But meanwhile, justice awaits.

Teresa, you bring this case against your brother, Paul.

Is that correct?

Yes, that's right.

What is the issue between you two?

What is your sibling beef?

So whenever we are all together at my parents' house, which is on a pretty regular basis, Paul insists on pointedly calling the bedroom that I used to live in when we were all growing up together the guest room.

And he does it very pointedly and obviously just to annoy me and to point out that it is no longer my room.

Does he actually point at it when he's pointedly making this comment?

No, it's more of an arched eyebrow.

Okay.

Do an imitation of him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was arching my eyebrow.

Well,

yeah, be sure to keep it silent.

Right.

Do an imitation of him for the radio theater.

So I would, if I were to say something like, there are spare pillows up in my room, Paul would say, oh, you mean the guest room?

Paul, it's true.

So are you the only two siblings?

No, we have a much younger brother who's living with our parents right now.

He's a pretty recent college grad.

But you guys are adults, right?

You're not incredibly mature 13-year-olds.

That's right.

Okay.

What is your age, Teresa?

33.

33 years old.

Paul, what is your age?

35.

35 years old.

It's amazing how childish you can still be now that you're in your 30s surrounding this very issue.

Paul, why do you care what the room is called?

A couple of reasons.

First of all, you know, it's important to point out that Teresa doesn't live in that room anymore.

Nobody does.

And second of all, there is no Paul's room anymore.

The aforementioned younger brother moved into there when I moved out for college.

And what is your younger brother's name for the record, please?

Ted.

So Paul's room became Ted's room.

Ted's room became the office.

Where's Paul's room?

So Ted had a room that became the office.

He moved into your room.

And now there is a spare room.

Is the room, Teresa, is the room used as a guest room or as a shrine to Teresa?

It's multi-purpose in those ways.

Okay.

It's a guest room.

It's a shrine to Teresa.

And it's also a home cinema.

It could be.

Now, what's going on in the room?

Is it a guest room or what?

It's mostly used for when family members come from out of town to visit.

For example, when Paul and his family come to me.

Let me get the dictionary so I can look up what a guest is.

Oh, could be family.

Actually, it's number three, family members coming out of town to visit.

I don't think a family member could really be a guest.

They're family.

Is this what your argument hinges on?

Is this artfully split hair

the argument that you are going to make?

It's one of them.

Guests stay stay there.

Your mom and dad don't have other guests other than family, right?

They actually don't.

No, of course not.

How old are they?

They're in their late 50s, early 60s.

I think they just want their beautiful children to come visit them.

They miss them.

They're not going to be filling up the rooms with friends from their college life.

Those people have their own families to go to now.

They have their own guest rooms to visit.

Do you have children?

Yes.

Paul?

Yes.

How many children do you each have?

Two.

Two children each.

Yep.

Yes.

And so you said fairly frequently you guys all converge on mom and dad's house.

How often does that happen, Paul?

So my family is up in the San Francisco Bay Area.

The parenthood house is down in L.A.

And so we usually come down three, four times a year.

Oh, nice.

Stay in the guest room.

And so you guys grew up around L.A., is that correct?

Do I have that right?

Yes.

All right.

That's where the room in question is located?

Yes.

All right.

And how often do you visit Teresa?

Roughly, I still live in the Los Angeles area, so we visit pretty much every weekend.

Oh, okay.

But you don't stay overnight?

No.

In Teresa's or guests' room?

Not often.

Who does stay over there?

I wonder.

Who are some of the people who stay in that room, Paul?

I know a couple.

Yeah.

Paul does, and his wife, Christina.

Uh-huh.

Their two fantastic children, Patrick and Charlie.

Yeah.

They all stay in the room.

Yeah.

In the room?

Mm-hmm.

Sure.

And we shall, for the time being, until I decide what we shall call this room, we're going to call it Judge John Hodgman's room.

The J.J.

Hoe wing.

Okay?

And I believe you submitted some evidence, Paul, of your adorable children.

Yes, they are adorable and sleeping in the JJ Ho suite.

Okay, two boys.

Is that correct?

That's correct, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Pretty cute.

Pretty cute.

You send in any pictures of cute animals to make Jesse Thorne laugh?

Yes or no, Paul?

Nope, nope.

All right.

Nope.

Producer Jennifer Marmor shred these pictures of these kids.

Not interested.

They're very, very cute.

Patrick and Charlie.

Thank you.

Very adorable.

What harm would it cause them to sleep in a room called Teresa's room?

When they grow up and they start asking questions, it will be difficult to answer them with things like, but Daddy, where's Paul's room?

Well, no, there is no Paul's room.

Patrick, you're sleeping in, well, I guess Daddy, Paul just doesn't have a room at Grand Mama's house.

It's the classic story, Judge Hodgman.

It's when your kids grow up and they start asking questions about whose room is who at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

I understand, Bailiff Jesse.

I think what Paul is arguing is that his children are going to be scarred.

His two boys are going to be scarred to learn that very occasionally things are not named after a man.

That somehow Paul's identity and ownership over a room was decentered and a woman's wasn't.

And that's going to cause them great anxiety about what happens when they grow up.

I understand that.

How long has this been a fight between you guys?

I would say at least a year.

Probably more, like two or three, I would think.

I think it started gradually.

Was there an inciting incident, as they say in screenwriting class?

I think every time Paul said it, he noted that I was annoyed, and that just encouraged him to do it more.

Ah.

And so it's built up over the last, I would say, three years.

Paul, how much of this is about the room, and how much of it is it about bothering your sister?

Uh,

a lot of it is about the room, and some of it is about bothering my sister.

Oh, okay.

That's just gravy.

Yeah, yeah, it's a bonus.

Of course, this is

your parents' house.

So, your mom and dad live there together.

Is that correct, Teresa?

Yes.

Paul, what do they refer to this room as?

In common parlance, as it goes.

I've been campaigning my mom to change the name from calling it Teresa's room to calling it the guest room or something else of her choosing.

That's a roundabout way of saying that they currently call it Teresa's room and you want that to change.

I think my mom has started calling it the guest room or the nap room or other rooms.

My dad does tend to call it Teresa's room though.

Right.

You successfully lobbied your mother, but you have not lobbied your father.

But this is all a roundabout way of acknowledging that until you brought this to their attention, the common law namage of of the room was Teresa's room.

That is correct.

How did you badger your mother into changing how she referred to the room?

I asked her,

and

she agreed.

I see you submitted some evidence as well to this effect.

Yes, that is correct.

Of you asking her, this is some kind of social media exchange.

Yes, that is correct.

Paul, Teresa is suing me for naming rights to the guest room.

Margaret, is that your mother?

Yes.

Oh.

L-O-L-O-L.

Definitely a mom.

It is my house.

I think you should both submit bids.

Paul, that's true.

Margaret, he, he.

Paul, what do you call it?

If you say guest room, that will really help my case.

Okay, that's leading the witness, Paul.

Margaret, well, I call it Teresa's room.

Because otherwise, Daddo would get confused.

May I presume that Daddo is your adorable father?

Yes.

Yes.

Paul, that doesn't help my case.

This is submitted, evidence submitted by you, Paul.

What are you trying to do?

Are you like a serial killer who wants to get caught?

This all works against you.

He's known in the family as the wet bandit.

Margaret, yes, I understand.

Hmm.

Well, I can try to change my habits.

I cause the guest room.

I'm adding the tortured tears there because you are the one who's putting your poor mother through the impossible Sophie's choice dilemma of which child she is going to favor.

Then later you submit from a, I think, a different conversation, you submit this piece of evidence, Margaret, sigh,

written out.

I have been sleeping in the guest room because Daddo has a cold, and I guess I just sleep differently there.

My sleep cycle is off whack.

Slept through my alarm today.

Now, Paul, are you presenting

last piece as evidence that Margaret, your mother, has started calling at the guest room, that you have changed her mind?

Indeed, I am.

Yeah.

But you also notice that she is documenting the fact that her sleep cycle is off whack.

She's sleeping through her alarm.

She's obviously distressed.

She's continuing to suffer the trauma of this entire exchange.

I would posit that she is sleeping poorly rather than.

No further questions, Your Honor.

Thank you, Counselor.

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Court is back in session on Judge John Hodgman.

You're listening to Eminent Bro Main.

We've gone over Paul's evidence already.

Now let's get back into the courtroom to hear about the evidence that Teresa has submitted.

Teresa, did you submit any evidence?

I did, Your Honor.

All right.

And I should remind our listeners that all of this evidence will be available on the Judge John Hodgman page at maximumfun.org and also on our Instagram account, which is instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman.

Teresa, describe the photos that I am seeing.

The first one is

something on a wall.

I believe that that is a small sign that used to be on the door to the room, but that is currently on the wall of the room, that literally reads Teresa's room.

What is the legal significance of this sign, Teresa?

I think that it speaks for itself.

Who put it up in the room?

I think that was my mother.

And she has not taken it down?

She has not.

And to date, your brother Paul has not torn it from the wall and thrown it into the sea.

Despite many opportunities.

Paul, why have you not taken this action?

I abhor vandalism.

Do you think that it would insult your mom to change the decor in this way?

No.

No.

I mean, without asking her.

Also, no.

Teresa, where did the sign come from?

I think it was a gift from my mother when I was a little girl.

To describe it, it looks fairly small.

The push pin that it is hanging from is

what I am using for scale here.

It is rectangular.

It is pink.

It has some painted-on flowers on it and some small ballet.

It looks like ballet on point slippers

also decorating it.

And it says in yellow paint Teresa's room.

Was this handmade or something she picked up off of a spinning rack in Chinatown?

I think it was like, I think she bought it.

Definitely was not something she made.

All right.

Can you confirm whether the rack spun?

I can confirm the rack spun.

Please be frank with the court, Teresa.

Did the rack spin?

In what neighborhood was the rack?

Clockwise, counterclockwise.

What other names were on there?

Was the name Logan on there?

Was the name Jemessa on there?

Was the name Lorca on there?

These are the questions that the court has.

What about Bort?

My son's name is Bort.

Was the name Florg?

Was there a Florg's room?

I can't speak to that, but I suspect she probably picked it up because it's not that common to see my name spelled on gift items like that with an H, and my name is spelled with an H.

No further questions, Your Honor.

Thank you, Counselor.

Teresa.

Teresa,

no.

Paul, this was a gift to Teresa from your mother.

It is continuing to hang on the wall of the Judge John Hodgman suite, what we call it right now.

If you were to text your mother, Margaret, right now, and say, may I please take that sign off the wall if Judge John Hodgman rules in my favor and throw it in the sea, what do you think she would say?

I suspect that she would give me permission to do that, but encourage me not to throw it into the sea as that would be littering.

She might also encourage me to remove some of the other Teresa memorabilia from the room while I was at it.

Well, we have photos of that as well.

Teresa, describe the other memorabilia.

There are some childhood remnants from the past.

There's a bulletin board with some old pictures and ticket stubs and articles.

There's also some old trophies.

What kind of trophies am I looking at here?

I see a whole.

It looks like a closet shelf full of trophies.

Right.

So they're not on active display in the main area of the room.

They're inside the closet on the shelf above the hanging clothes.

Those are Irish dancing trophies.

Boom.

Case closed.

Teresa wins.

Paul.

Oh, well, you know what?

Just one moment.

Let me clarify.

Paul, have you ever been Lord of the Dance?

I have never been Lord of the Dance, no.

Have you received trophies in the subject of Irish dancing?

I have not.

Can you play the tin whistle, sir?

Please answer frankly.

Poorly.

Ted can.

Any incredibly charming skills or hobbies that you want to let the court know about that might sway me back in your favor?

Did you see my children?

Sir,

gestating children is not much of a skill.

And if it's your hobby, shame on you.

I got to tell you, Teresa, there's this one picture of your of I'm oh boy, the court got a little biased there.

I recuse that portion.

There's a portion of the Judge John Hodgman suite here

that has a lot of it looks like a lot of your stuff in it from when you were a teenager, presumably, right?

You left to go to college, is that right?

Yes.

Right.

And

this looks a little sad, I gotta say, right now.

This desk, this little student desk, is missing a drawer.

You've got this lonely water bottle on top of it.

I can see the Teresa's room sign hung up next to a rather old-timey floor lamp light shade askew.

And then you got this weird art of tiger's eyes.

I mean, it looks like a teenage room that has been abandoned, which is exactly what it is.

Would you disagree?

No, I can't disagree.

Is this being held in your memory or because Margaret and Datto are too lazy to clean this junk out of here?

I think they're too polite to insist that I get that junk out of there.

Is that what is expected?

They've never asked me to.

Paul, when you moved out and Ted needed your room to move into because he got tired of living in an office, apparently,

did you clean out your room or does it still have your junk in there?

It does not still have my junk in there, Your Honor.

What happened?

A lot of it is in the garage.

So you didn't get rid of it either.

A few years ago, the three siblings all banded together and cleaned out the garage pretty nicely.

But there is still some

Paul junk, some Teresa junk, and some Ted junk in the garage, I will admit.

Okay.

Paul, if I were to rule in your favor and to rename this room the guest room,

would you order that all this stuff be taken out and thrown into the sea?

The sea here is a metaphor, Paul.

I appreciate that you're not actually going to throw things in the sea, okay?

Don't try to use that against me again.

Yes, for my mom,

for our mom, I think she would prefer all of that to be thrown in a metaphoric sea.

And would you be willing to...

Do you have a job?

Yes.

What is your job?

I'm a software engineer.

Okay.

In the Bay Area?

I'm actually fully remote.

Does that mean you have transcended your meat body and you're now just up your consciousness?

I don't know what that means.

Yeah, the meat body thing.

And I don't go into an office every day.

I just work from...

You just work from home.

Because you have one of the Cylon bathtubs in your second bedroom.

Yeah.

Well, look, I do not want to presume anything about your livelihood.

You're working in software in the Bay Area.

Would you be willing, if you are able,

to contribute some funds to redecorating this room in a neutral style and have it be renamed the guest room?

Yes, I can absolutely contribute to the effort of cleaning out and redecorating the room.

And it will actually be down fairly soon, so that would be a pretty good time, I guess.

Teresa, if there was a cleanup of this room, what kind of concert ticket stubs are we losing?

Cherry popping daddies?

I mean, river dance.

I was a pretty

pretty one-track mind.

Not even the three Irish tenors.

Do you keep up your step dancing, Teresa?

No, not anymore.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Paul, if I were to find in your favor, would you have me order Teresa to take up step dancing again?

Encourage, maybe.

Maybe not order.

She does have two small children of her own.

Correct answer.

The court does not order people to dance.

That was a test of your character.

Judge Hodgman, I have to admit that I am deeply biased on this matter as the stepchild of an Irish woman

who had spent her childhood in Belfast learning Irish folk art, including playing the tin whistle,

step dancing, and etc.

fiddling

and

basically

would punch the television whenever any American came on TV doing Irish stuff.

Oh no, you must have gone through quite a few televisions.

Yeah, we watched a lot of PBS.

It was a real problem.

Did I see all the evidence now?

I submitted evidence of a settlement offer that I gave to Paul, but that he rejected.

Oh yes, here it is.

This is a text of a conversation.

Paul, so what's your proposal?

Teresa, I would be willing to settle for an agreement to to call it Teresa's old room, thus acknowledging my long-standing history with the disputed territory while disclaiming any present right of possession.

Paul, not wild about it.

Where's Paul's old room?

Teresa, I guess Sue Ted.

Paul, it just doesn't make sense to name an inhabited room after a former resident.

Teresa, bringing the hammer.

Uh, Lincoln bedroom much?

Whoa!

Paul, we don't talk about visiting John Denver's brother's old house apropos of nothing.

Wait a minute.

Maybe it's apropos of something.

Who owns John Denver's brother's old house?

Our parents.

Well, wait a minute, you guys.

This is a piece of history.

Who's John Denver's brother?

Did he have more than one?

I really couldn't say.

Hang on.

I gotta stand by.

I'm just gonna quickly find out.

John Denver brother.

Talking about Ron Deutschendorf?

Yeah, Ron Deutschendorf.

Interesting.

Hmm.

Okay.

Well, I didn't realize that this was a part of history.

That's amazing.

And then Teresa.

Oh, I forgot about that aspect.

Weird.

But still, Lincoln bedroom.

Boom.

And then Paul, I can accept that.

When your accomplishments rival those of Lincoln, we can revisit this discussion.

Oh, burn.

Sick burn.

Teresa,

whose family uses the JJ Host Suite more frequently?

Between Paul and me.

Oh, does Ted have some children he just got out of college with?

No, I think our mom uses it more than any of us because she often sleeps there.

But when Datto is sick?

For example.

I'll remind you you're under fake oath.

I would say my family uses it more frequently, but less intensively.

When Paul comes to visit,

they stay in that room.

But when my family comes to visit, we'll often put

our daughters to sleep for a nap in that room, or we'll take a nap in that room just on a casual basis.

But you don't stay overnight in the room?

Not very often.

Because you live nearby.

Right.

Paul, do you dispute that assessment?

I would say I think my dad probably uses it the most, actually.

I think he...

What is this?

An Agatha Christie mystery?

No.

I'm giving.

Mother uses it the most.

No, father used it this afternoon.

It can't both be true.

The butler hasn't used it.

It's his day off.

What does your dad use it for?

Meditating and napping.

Paul, I don't get it.

I don't get who this serves.

What possible

overarching good does it serve

to neutralize

this room from any sibling involvement, going against what has been common usage for years

and hurting your sister?

Aside from hurting my sister,

the main benefit in my mind is that

first, you know, I would feel more welcome to be visiting

as long as I'm not staying in Teresa's room.

I don't want to feel like I'm...

I'm sorry.

Which room?

I'm sorry, which room?

Which room were you referring to?

The quote-unquote Teresa's room, alleged Teresa's room.

Disputed.

The J.J.

Ho suite.

Yes.

Then, you know, I wouldn't feel like I'm taking somebody else's room away from them.

Plus, I also just feel like the naming should match its current use

more accurately.

And I just want

to give my mom a chance to name the room basically however she wants, as long as it's not referencing.

Give your mom a chance to be bullied by you into calling it something else?

But she gets to choose what I bully her into choosing.

Text your mom right now.

And ask her,

is it okay to throw away that sign that says Teresa's room?

I can do that.

And while you're doing that, I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going into Judge John Hodgman's chambers.

Thanks for the sign, Dad.

I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Teresa, how do you feel about your chances in the case right now?

Better than I expected.

I feel like I came into this expecting that I would be slapped down for a sort of a childish fixation, but

I feel like the judge is making a stand for younger siblings everywhere.

What other weird stuff are you refusing to throw away?

Oh Lord.

There's a very, very old stuffed dog that used to go everywhere with me that should probably be shredded as toxic waste at this point.

When you say a stuffed dog, you mean a taxidermied dog.

Clearly, what else could a stuffed dog mean?

Is it Oni, the legendary Postal Service dog?

I wish that it were.

I really do.

Paul, how are you feeling about your chances?

Not great.

I'm a little disappointed about that.

But yeah, not great.

What embarrassing childhood hobby have we not heard about from you?

Oh boy.

Pogs, say pogs, say pogs.

Oh, absolutely, pogs.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a good one.

Did you have any really good slammers?

I had this one that I really liked that had two finger grooves on the back so you could like get a better grip and really slam it.

Oh, yeah, especially if you go to the Rosinbag first.

Get those fingers a little tacky and really go to town.

Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a second.

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Okay, cool.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

Take me home, country roads, to the place I belong, West Virginia, meaning Western Virginia, not the state of West Virginia.

Controversial position, I realize, but one that is borne out by the actual geographical places that are mentioned in that song, including the Shenandoah River.

And by the way, that John Denver song written by Bill Danoff and his then-wife Mary Taffy Niverd, Bill Danoff being a native of Springfield, Massachusetts, in the New England region, Jesse Thorne, who had never ever been to West Virginia or Western Virginia when he wrote it.

Great song for John Denver and a perfect example of why nostalgia is the most toxic and deceitful impulse, because no one knows what the past really was, and we cannot ever go back to our homes.

That being the novel by Tom Wolfe after it's been translated into Esperanto and back.

We cannot ever go back to our homes, or you can't go home again.

You guys are going home again quite a bit, and it is hard to let go of the feelings that you had for the places that you once inhabited.

It is also hard to let go of the patterns that you established as older child and for a period of time youngest child, and then for a period of time continuing to today, middle child,

in which oldest child finds a way to annoy the middle child and continues to do it over and over and over again.

The way that rooms are referred to in families often have no real connection to their current usage.

Old usage is pretty much the the way of things long after a child would leave.

That would be referred to as that child's room or that child's old room.

Or in the case of my childhood home, the empty room in which John Hodgman practiced the clarinet and the viola.

Yes, I played both.

And so, it takes a real reason

to justify changing old patterns and old nomenclature within a house.

Paul, you argue, that there is an element of unfairness here.

There is a Ted's room.

There is a Teresa's room.

Where is Paul's room?

Fairness among siblings is is a tenet that is as alien to me as the alien from the movie Alien, because I, after all, I'm an only child.

But it is something that I do understand, as being a father of two siblings, is a very serious and weighty matter.

Someday soon, Ted will leave.

And his room will always be Ted's room, because Ted is the baby, and you have to love the baby.

But now that Paul is gone, is it fair to erase Teresa just to make him feel better?

I say no.

Paul, did your mom respond to the text?

She did.

She said we can remove the sign and discard it.

Oh my gosh.

She's pretty cold.

Take this as a lesson.

Oh my God.

I truly, I think my heart stopped for a moment there and froze into a block of solid ice.

You know what?

This is rare that I am surprised in my own courtroom, but that really took me by surprise.

That's not what mom was supposed to say in this situation.

Mom was supposed to say, I would rather not, because in her heart, she still thinks of it as Teresa's room.

She was bullied by her older son,

and thus I was going to allow that room's name to stand, but

because

this house belongs to your mom and dad,

they paid for everything in it,

including that sign.

If your mom is truly not under duress or under threat of blackmail from Paul,

saying that that sign can be thrown away, then perhaps it is time, Teresa, to even the scales and allow your past to go down the river into the sea.

Paul, after all, has put in all of his stuff into the garage.

The garage that I like to now call Paul's room.

I personally find Paul's needling on this point

to be annoying and purposeless.

and self-aggrandizing.

And Teresa, I love that there's some beautiful Irish step-dancing trophies in there.

But because your mom, who owns this place,

just threw

you into the sea, Teresa,

and under the bus, to mix every possible metaphor.

Oh, unless you're in Venice, because that's where the buses are on water.

So there we go.

I have to find begrudgingly

in Paul's favor, but

I have a solution

that will, I hope, erase

Paul's victory

and any smugness or feeling of accomplishment he has received from this experience.

And instead, put all of this pointless conflict behind us and this nostalgia versus nostalgia behind us and look forward to the future.

Because one thing I learned today

is that this house used to belong to John Denver's brother.

Ron Dutchendorf.

Son of Lieutenant Colonel Henry John Dutchendorf, Sr.

and Irma Louise Swope,

brother to John Denver.

I don't know if you're going to be able to find a photo of Ron Duchendorf.

I'm going to check right now.

Yep, there are a lot of them.

Okay, good.

So

this room is going to be called the Dutchendorf-Denver Room in honor of the great American song performer John Denver and also a guy who was his brother who lived right there.

You're going to get a photo of Ron Dutchendorf and you're going to get a beautiful photo of John Denver.

You're going to have them very nicely framed.

You are going to put them in there.

They're going to be tasteful.

You're going to put them in this room.

Teresa, you are going to go into this room and you're going to mariondo the whole thing.

You're going to touch everything, see if it still sparks joy.

If it does, you're going to take it home with you.

If it doesn't, you're going to send it down the river.

And the stuff that is going down the river is going to be removed at the expense of your brother Paul.

Either to a storage facility or a garbage dump or an actual ocean sea.

Then it is going to be further redecorated with neutral stuff.

It's not a very big room, I can tell.

The bed can stay.

You're going to need to get new sheets for the bed.

You're going to need to get new bedding for the bed, Paul.

You're going to need to get some new

side furniture or whatever it is.

This is all on you, Paul.

This is what you've bought for yourself.

And you're also going to have a shelf

upon which

no

less than three, but no more than two, you do the math,

beautiful Irish step dancing trophies will be displayed.

There will also be a shelf that will contain something of Paul's past in it.

And when Ted moves on,

something of Ted's past.

Maybe he'll move the whole office in there.

And finally,

the

sign that says Teresa's room

shall be sent to the chambers of Judge John Hodgman

so that I may hang it in my office

and remember what once was.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Teresa, how do you feel about all this?

I feel like I came out better than expected.

I feel like I may have gotten off a little light with how much I needled Paul back about insisting on calling it my room, but I'll take that.

And I look forward to giving Paul some ideas for how he should redecorate the

new Deutschendorf Denver room.

You got to admit, Deutschendorf Denver room has a certain ring to it.

It's more interesting than Teresa's room.

I'll admit that.

Paul, how do you feel?

I feel good.

Yeah, it was a little touch and go there for a minute, but

I think this is a good resolution, and I am satisfied.

Paul Teresa, thank you for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Another Judge John Hodgman case in the books.

Before we get to Swift Justice, we want to thank Tom Early for naming this week's episode Eminent Bro Main.

If you'd like to name a future episode like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook, that's where we put out the call for submissions.

You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

Hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ H O and check out the Maximum Fund subreddit at maximumfund.reddit.com to chat about this week's episode.

It was produced produced by the great Jennifer Marmor, recorded by Gabriel Shepard at 25th Street Recording in Oakland, California, as well as in Brooklyn at John Hodgman's office and in Los Angeles at MaxFun HQ.

Now, Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment.

Lillia says, What side is the correct side to enter a shower?

Do you enter on the side with the shower head and temperature dial, or on the opposite end?

We have a long-running dispute in our household, arguing the merits of both sides.

Well, Jesse, as you know, my preference is to drop down from the ceiling like a ninja.

That's the best way.

Barring that, if the walls are too slick for me to scale, I always enter from the non-spraying side to ease my way into the shower.

However, I could see an argument, especially in our apartment where the water temperature varies to an insane degree, such that it can be perfect temperature when I step in and immediately become cold and I have to jump out again,

to adjusting the temperature until it is adjusted to your liking and then stepping into the spraying side.

But even then, I feel like that is not the correct side because if you step in that way, you're probably going to spray water all over your bathroom.

And most places, hotel rooms, and other homes where I have showered, where there is a fixed glass pane, shower, quote-unquote, curtain that is there there to protect that from happening.

You wouldn't even be able to walk into the spraying side.

So I'm going to say that the custom is to enter the non-spraying side, and that is borne out by good common sense because you go into the spraying side and your shower is open, you're going to get water all over your floor.

So I hope that that solves your problem and causes another fight that you'll write again.

That's it for this week's episode.

Make sure to submit your cases at maximumfund.org/slash jjho or email Hodgman at maximumfund.org.

No case is too small.

We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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