Live in Chicago at Very Very Fun Day 2017

Welcome to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week's episode recorded live from the stage of Talia Hall in Chicago at Maximum Fund's first ever very, very fun day.

Here's the deal.

My son, Curtis Thorne, was born just before we did this show, so I was not allowed by my wife, quite reasonably, to get on an airplane and fly to Chicago to do my dumb comedy show.

So, luckily, the brilliant guest bailiff Gene Gray was kind enough to fill in for me.

Our musical guest on the program is Saba.

His performances were amazing.

If you're listening with kids, just know there's some strong language in there.

Anyway, let's go to the stage for some Chicago-style justice.

That means it has sport peppers on it.

Tonight's case, seeking redress.

Becky brings a case against her husband, Allie.

When Allie hits a profitable streak at work, he re-wears the same outfit until his luck ends.

Becky wants him to stop this superstitious practice.

Who's right?

Who's wrong?

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

Remain standing.

I'm wearing my lucky shoes from today till Sunday, Judge John Hodgman says from his bus last Wednesday.

At the moment, his pockets contain his lucky compass, his lucky feather from a tribal leader, and lucky penny flattened in his wallet.

When Judge John Hodgman once misplaced his feather, there was a momentary panic in the courtroom until his bailiff found it in one of his suits.

Bailiff Gene Gray, please swear them in.

Becky and Ellie, please raise your right hands.

Thank you.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

I do.

I do.

good job do you swear to abide by Judge Hodgman's ruling even though he thinks Chirac is a good movie

think about it

yes

all right

you've made a choice Judge Hodgman you may proceed Becky and Ali you may be seated audience you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors can Can either of you, what, did you bring a bottle of malort into my courtroom, sir?

Two bottles?

Guilty.

Are you attempting to bribe this court?

Because if you are, I'm not sure you know how bribes work.

All right.

Hold on.

For immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors, can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I came into this courtroom?

Allie, you are the defendant.

You get to either guess first or make Becky guess first and then guess second, which is your choice?

I have no idea, so I'll guess first.

I have no idea.

You know what?

I like your style.

And also, stop talking to each other.

What is your guess style?

I have no idea.

You have to make it.

I'll guess.

The Great Gatsby.

The Great Gatsby.

It's obviously not.

I just.

The Great Gatsby.

You know what?

You never know.

I'm pretty sure.

It's true that you never know I do know but I'll put it in the guess book for now

we have a new electric guess book now

Becky

who do you know who carries a lucky feather

given to him by a tribal I go

is a hymn

by a tribal leader

I'm not feeling good about it but I'm gonna guess the children's book, Alexander, Who Used to Be Rich Until Last Sunday by Judith Bjorst.

That was, wow,

the heaviest buzz marketing I've ever.

Is that your friend?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What is that book and why do you choose that?

If you know Alexander, who had,

she's a children's author.

I'm a Chicago public school teacher.

Here it goes.

What grade do you teach?

I teach at a public Montessori for now.

I find in your favor.

So, four through six, and that author wrote Alexander, who had a terrible, horrible, no-blooded.

Very bad, terrible day.

And so now you're pulling the sequel?

Yeah.

That's the deepest cut of all time.

I didn't even know there was a sequel to that.

Oh, there is.

You see what I'm up against here.

Yeah, I can see what a monster your wife is.

Teaching children and promoting children's literature.

What do you do for a living, sir?

I'm an options trader.

Yeah, there we go.

Total, I am 100% on your side, by the way.

So stupid.

Allie, we're all on your side.

Or I would say half of us.

I doubt it.

I doubt it.

I doubt it.

Fair enough.

I got an uphill point.

Well, let me put that into the guest book.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

And the guest computer.

Oh, guys, it's doing the analysis.

And I'm getting a message back, and it's saying,

all

guesses

are wrong.

You're completely wrong.

How could you not have recognized that piece of prose

from the Washington Post

dated February 19, year 2000.

What was happening on February 19 in the year 2000?

Do you know?

Okay, I'll tell you.

Because looking around blankly doesn't work on podcasts.

It was a run-up to the South Carolina Republican primary, presidential primary.

Who carries a lucky feather in his pocket who wanted to be president?

a couple of times.

That's right, John McCain.

You don't remember this?

John McCain, well into the 2008 presidential election, was still carrying around this dumb feather.

It was reported on, and I'm like, that's why I want Barack Obama to be president because I believe in science.

I don't want a president

walking around with a magic feather

because the whole the crux of this, until I discover a new crux,

is that Allie wears the same clothes when he's on a winning streak doing his options trading.

Is that correct?

Correct.

So, if you're making money, you don't want to change your clothes.

Correct.

Go ahead, Becky.

All of the same clothes, Judge.

So, not just his shirt and jacket,

his underwear, his socks, his long underwear.

It's Chicago.

It's cold.

Yeah, it's cold.

Are you currently wearing a winning outfit or a losing outfit?

It's the weekend.

That could mean anything.

Nothing.

I haven't worn this as my sister's wedding.

You look, by the way,

I like your loafers.

Those are nice.

Thank you.

I like your look.

Thank you.

What do you wear when you're options trading?

Casual.

Like what?

What are you talking about?

You look around here, you can see there are a lot of definitions of cash.

Oh, let the record show that Becky is going for a pair of safety gloves.

I did not realize evidence was going to be entered into this case,

but she has brought with her a Mary Poppins bag, and she is going to pull out,

I see,

and she's got

a mask.

Oh, my.

Oh, my God.

She's putting a mask on.

I'm not sure I can.

Objection.

I'm not sure I can objection.

The court told me I could supply olfactory evidence.

You're supplying olfactory evidence.

Anyway, she's brought out

clothing in a Ziploc bag,

including his underthings.

I actually feel like I saw weird dust flying off of those.

And she's produced, hmm, tongue.

She's holding them with tongs.

Becky, are you sure

you're not in the theater?

Oh!

And she has taken out the underlines.

I am a teacher.

That's right.

Well, you are schooling us

right now.

So tell me, because there is an audio component to this,

can you list off what is in the bag, please?

Yes.

What I have brought are a selection, and because of recent national events, he hasn't had any really good long streaks.

So since this...

Oh my god, Allie, are you still there?

I can't see you.

You seem to be in the shade.

No!

I will.

Oh, this is...

I don't understand why she's presenting this.

This week was one of the worst weeks of my life.

This has nothing to do with anything here.

These have been worn maybe twice.

So this is not the lucky outfit?

Are you kidding me?

These could be burned, and

I have a feeling there's someone who can help you here with that.

Let the record show that Becky is attempting to enter into evidence a pair of teenage mutant ninja turtles longjohns.

Which she bought me.

Which she bought him.

For Hanukkah.

All right, I don't want to see that underwear anymore.

Please put that away.

It is adorable that you bought him that.

Allie,

you are an options trader.

Let me understand this.

When you hit a winning streak, you continue to wear the same clothes that you were wearing when you hit the streak, correct?

All of it.

Excuse me, Becky.

Becky.

Becky, please.

Are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

long underwear

winner garb or loser garb?

She's indicating.

There is no particular significance attached to any piece of clothing.

Right.

Right.

Those

could be part of a winning streak in the future.

You never know.

But it's not that I'm eating all my clothes all the time.

It's not like I wake up and like, damn, I need I need some luck today.

Let me look put on my lucky.

No, no, I understand.

But

have the TMNT TMT, you know, the turtles.

The turtles.

Well, yeah, okay.

Why is it that you guys have been drinking from 11?

And not only do you know what the acronym for Teenage Mutant and Ninja Turtles is, but you don't say drinking from 11.

What's wrong with me?

Why am I saying all words wrong?

Okay.

Because we're from Chicago.

Were you, yeah, that's right.

Were you, have, have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' long underwear ever been part of a winning ensemble?

Yes or no, sir?

I don't think so.

No, I refuse to admit the evidence.

No, but okay, but then why did you wear them for the last three days, uninterrupted, with the same underwear underneath, sir?

I'll allow that question.

Yes.

False.

Fake news.

Fake news.

100% false.

Becky, I wore those as pajamas

the last couple nights.

No.

No.

Becky, make your case, or I'm going to throw your evidence out into the audience.

He has worn them to work and back and forth for the last three days, including a weekend day, which is unacceptable.

Becky, this undermines your entire case.

Because

Allie just said that this has been a terrible week for him.

This is not a winning week.

So this is not streak underwear.

This is just laziness.

Well, I'm sure at this point it's streaked underwear.

False.

I don't know.

Yes or no, Becky.

He did have two good days in a row, which he admitted to when I questioned him.

He has been wearing this long underwear as part of that two-day

of goodness.

Judge, what are you?

I do not like being toyed with in my own courtroom.

You're here to make a case.

This is prejudicial.

This is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles underwear being worn by a man.

Either this supports your case or it doesn't.

It supports your case.

So I'll put it to you, Allie.

Are these

winnerwear or loserwear?

This has.

No, nothing.

Nothing.

Fine, fine catch by the lady in the sand.

That was a great catch.

Let the record show I have thrown that underwear into the crowd and I have never been happier in my life.

Where it was grabbed eagerly.

I didn't like what you were just trying to pull there with your gloves back.

How dare you?

How dare you?

If you were at the QA today with all the fine MaxFun listeners, people said, have you detected any trends in the Judge John Hodgman podcast?

Any trends?

This may be.

We are on the verge of releasing our 300th episode.

300!

That's 300 points of data that I have, and those points all arrange on a scatter graph to show a fairly clear inclination, a fairly clear line, pointing directly towards two conclusions.

In a heteronormative marriage or committed relationship, almost 100% of the time, the woman is correct and the man is a monster.

It's almost never not happened.

Sometimes I put my thumb on the scale hoping, dude, isn't going to be a monster.

But then the scale goes, get out of here, thumb.

And the data also points to the conclusion that weird dads are not aware of how weird they are, which makes for podcasting.

So you can appreciate, Becky, how sympathetic this court was to your plight.

Because A, the court believes in science, and B,

don't wear the same clothes all the time.

But then you came in here with your, if it doesn't fit, you must acquit theatrics.

You went too far.

Allie.

Do you, when did this start with you wearing the outfit?

Don't worry, we can 2000.

We can edit around your long-term.

It was probably in 2008 when I got to this new company.

This was not an issue.

I was terrible at my old company, so

I never had the opportunity to do anything like this.

No, about 2008.

About 2008?

Yeah.

So in January 2008.

Do you remember what you were wearing at the time?

You hit the.

What happens in options trading when you do a good job?

Money falls into your account.

All right, when you got a money fall,

when you hit your big money fall, and you're like, damn, it must be the clothes.

Like, what was the calculation that led you to start wearing the same clothes?

Well, it was two books, actually.

I read a book called The Black Swan by Nassim Taleb.

Sure.

And then there was Jim Kramer's autobiography, and they both talk about the role of luck in trading.

You know, whether or not you assign just

a random value to a random occurrence.

And it seemed Taleb was talking about how one day he got dropped off at the wrong corner by the cab.

Sure.

Had a massive day and found himself the next day being asked to dropped off at the same wrong corner.

Jim Kramer used to have a lucky t-shirt.

that when he would go on streaks, he would wear the same shirt.

And the thing about trading is, I've been trading for 15 years.

I would know you have a supporter.

Yeah, great.

Thank you.

Really like trading.

I'm not a supporter.

So that's 750 weeks.

I would say more than 100% of the money I've ever made has come in 2% of those weeks.

And those are not

in any way predictable, linear.

I have gone months.

with not only not making any money, but losing money actively hand over fist, right?

And there are very few people I would guess in here that went to work on friday and came home with significantly less money than they came

as a result of going to work

again

so

you know i think there are a lot of teachers out there

but no i i i find that fascinating so you're saying that your money-making weeks make up about 2% of your lifetime career.

Absolutely.

And so that is a black swan event.

100%, right?

Yes.

And so

do you believe that changing your behavior, like I'm going to wear the same clothes every day that I'm making money

actually has an effect upon your ability to make money?

No, it's a matter of confidence.

Well, that's what I mean.

Like, you do think that it affects your confidence.

Yes, absolutely.

And does that affect your trading and your decision?

100%, yes.

100%.

Yes.

Like when, you know, she entered it into the original complaint.

When she goes and tries to throw my stuff in the laundry, I get extremely upset if I've had a good day because who the hell knows?

Like I waited.

I do.

From 2000.

So I

waited three years between large windfalls.

From 2008, seeing there was nothing to do with it.

The term isn't the money fall.

Money falls.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And I was trying not to bring sports into this because I figured that my bailiff and

my judge were not sympathetic, so I would equate it to

being a comedian.

You work constantly, but your money falls are,

I would imagine the contract from Apple for being PC was a significant part of...

No, it's absolutely true.

No, John Hodgman's life.

I will allow the defendant to get real.

That being PC or being a correspondent on Daily Show are much more significant to your lifestyle overall,

your numerative lifestyle, than

even the weekly podcast.

Yeah, I would venture to say that

the payment I received for being on television ads was dramatically greater than the payment I received for writing about cheese for men's journal.

You're absolutely right on there.

And the payment I received for five weeks in 2011 was 50% of my net worth.

Yeah, wow.

So I find it fascinating that such a bulk of your income is derived by such a short period of time in your career.

And I appreciate the volatility of the work you do, and I can appreciate why that might derange your mind.

No, I 100% agree.

No, it's not.

It's a very difficult case to make.

But it's just as stupid as Reggie Wayne eating chicken soup before every NFL game for 14 years.

It's just a sports reference.

So you were going to include it anyway.

I was.

I wanted to get the chicken soup in there.

I feel a little bit lied to.

What?

Becky.

What damages is this causing in your personal life and your life together as a couple?

Well, I mean, to be...

blunt, it's an impediment to intimacy, especially since he chooses to shower in the morning, not in the evening.

So even when he comes home and changes into his pajamas, which, you know, shame on me for bringing his nighttime three-day worn longjongs, which I've confused with his daytime three-day worn longjongs.

But

that's the kind of mistake that loses court cases.

Judge, if I may.

That love should never have been entered into evidence.

Judge, if I may.

Yeah.

I just wanted to ask, because it felt like

it was a wonderful thing that happened in the moment, but a visual thing, and just for the audience, but I wanted to show for the record that when Becky started describing the intimacy, Allie turned his mic down very, very slowly

in front of him.

No, no, no, I mutter.

I didn't want anything getting caught.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

That's true.

Purely coincidental.

Yeah, no, it's 100% coincidental.

It's fine.

Certain clothes increase confidence, certain conversations decrease confidence.

If you see something obvious, I mean, I mean, nobody,

it's a family podcast, but nobody wants to get physically proximate to somebody who's been wearing the same.

You're saying he smells bad.

Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

Permission to smell the defendant.

But he's been freshly showered, and he's wearing clothing that, as he himself admitted, he has not worn since his sister's wedding, which he himself officiated.

So again, I'm not saying false flag, but this is not his typical garb.

I smell great.

That's true.

Hang on one moment.

I'll be the judge.

Neutral.

Judge Hodgman is now sniffing.

I'm getting you wear a fragrance?

What is it?

Go ahead, buzz market it.

Yeah.

It's allure by Chanel.

Allie, I like your style.

Thank you.

Now I'm going to smell this bag of old clothes.

Oh.

Oh.

He has put his entire head in the bag.

Not bad.

Smells like allure by Chanel.

It does not.

Allie, how do you feel when your wife says she doesn't want to be intimate with you when you come home stinking?

I think the solution is to tell me to take a shower when I get home.

I do.

Lie.

No.

Oh.

False.

First of all, maybe she thinks it false.

Let me, if I may unpack this for a moment.

Not only have you accused your wife of being a liar, but also you have admitted that you are unable to take a shower until someone tells you to do it.

Not the best.

Were you, just staying within the realm of superstition and fantasy, were you cursed by a witch

such that you are unable to initiate a shower yourself?

I shower every morning.

I don't understand.

But you now know, and you seem to have known, that she would prefer that you shower at the end of the day.

I did not know that, and I can do that every day from now on.

Lies.

Lies.

Maybe there are communication issues within your marriage.

Do you guys talk to each other or just show each other clothes with tongs and

hope that the meaning gets across?

We play Scrabble occasionally too.

Have you ever tried to spell out your problems

on the board?

It's a good idea.

In eight tiles.

So what's the latter, by the way?

What would you have me order, Becky, if I were to find in your favor of your husband?

At this point, I am so beleaguered and beaten down that I

initially all I wanted was for him to at least change his undergarments, which in Chicago includes his long underwear.

But I really, like, in my ideal world, he would change

frequently.

Or I would happily wash it every night, and he could wear it again the next day, and I would do it in whatever fashion enabled him to be confident that the magic had not worn off of it.

Allie, is there a way to wash your winning garments?

such that it doesn't wash the magic away?

Is there some crystal or

sage burning you can do in the laundry room that would keep the magic in there if I were to?

Honestly, I don't know.

Yeah.

I guess I could agree to some of that if maybe the socks and the

underwear.

But let me just specify that

Allie has told me that this does not, I mean, that he has very few winning weeks.

No, no, no.

Just recently, he had a five-week stretch in the summer of 2010.

Five weeks in the summer.

In the summer of 2010.

It's 2011.

2011.

B, she was not here.

She was in Israel.

Yeah, no, because otherwise I wouldn't have allowed it to continue.

You were chased across the globe by his smell.

Is it his smell or is it a lure for men by Chanel?

Maybe you're confused.

Well, like,

as wonderful as that...

Cologne is, it's not a cloaking device for everything else that's happening underneath.

Okay, but that was 2011.

What was the last streak you had?

Of.

I like the guy back there going, that's six years.

So that was by far.

Good morning.

I could actually hear your pencil scraping on the pad as you figured that out.

Well, I can't say TMT.

No.

T-M-N-T.

T-M-N-T.

Just leave it alone.

T-M-N-T.

Where is my malord?

Okay.

I earned this.

You deserve a shot after that.

Congrats.

Okay.

When was the last winning streak of any meaningful length?

Of any consequence.

More than one day is a streak of more than one consequence because he's wearing underwear.

Becky, I'm just trying to get some information.

Sorry.

It's heated for me.

I have to sleep in the same bed with you.

I think the last time I got to wear clothes for a week where I got to wear clothes was

unfortunately

the day after the election.

Oh.

I would gladly give it back to go back in time.

Okay.

I think I've heard everything I need in order to make my decision.

I am going to, I don't have chambers here, so I'm just going to hold.

Everyone turn

Close your eyes.

You know what, Allie?

I don't appreciate interruptions.

But that was a pretty good joke.

I like that joke.

That was a good one.

I have this new space age podium, and I'm going to hide behind it, and no one will be able to see me.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom, and no one can see him.

At all.

Not at all.

You guys can be seated.

I just wanted to chat with you for a second, and you guys

can sit down as well.

Sit down, everybody.

Sit down.

I'm doing what I want.

He's not here.

How do you guys feel that that went?

Do you feel like you got some things resolved at all?

I was honestly disappointed the judge didn't ask what I wanted.

what kind of ruling I would have wanted.

Because honestly, I'm willing to compromise on a significant part of this dispute.

Geez, I'm sorry.

Bailiff Gene Gray,

who said that?

Hello.

I am the ghost in this theater.

Bailiff Gene Gray, will you kindly ask Allie what you would like me to rule if I were to find him as favor?

Allie,

what would you like the judge?

What was the question again?

Just to be in the middle of the morning.

What would you like Judge John Hodgman to rule?

What would would you like judge john hodgman to refer to if he were to fine if he were to

fine fine in

your favor in your favor

good acting gene thank you

well when i first walked in i was going to take a really hard line stance i was going to say stop biting the hand that feeds you and never mention it again

but

that is that is

i'm gonna i'm gonna make a short suggestion before the judge comes back um because this is kind of my time and so you guys don't poo.

But

I want you to understand that no matter what Judge Hodgman rules today,

just coming from me, I want you to understand the magic's not in the clothes, it's inside of you.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

I didn't get to answer.

You may be seated.

Allie

occurred to me while I was in my chambers.

They're very far from here.

I know.

I know.

I've really, you know, now that I have this new space age chamber podium,

podium chambers.

Podiums.

I've really decked it out nicely in there.

Yeah.

Everything is made of frosted lucite.

Really?

You got a bar?

Oh yeah, I got a frosted lucite bar.

Cool.

Got a frosted lucite chair.

A panther?

I got a lot of...

Yeah.

I got one of of those rare frosted lucite panthers.

Nice.

Nice.

Yeah.

Got a lot of frosted lucite law books that I was reading.

And as I was turning those frosted lucite pages, looking for precedent in this case, it occurred to me, I didn't ask Allie

what he would like me to rule, should I find in his favor.

And I think I remember I sent you a frosted lucite.

message through my frosted lucite pneumatic emergency tube communication tube and

it seemed to me as though you asked him, and he said

a horribly mean and misogynist thing.

So,

in my defense,

I was not allowed to finish.

It occurred to me.

We feel like you were finished.

If I might.

It occurred to me.

Sorry.

Allie,

let me give you a chance

and ask the question I should have asked.

What would you have me rule if I were to find in your favor?

Think carefully about how you answer.

No.

If you give the answer that you really think you ought to give, if she wants me to shower every day when I get home, and if she's willing to commit to washing the underwear and socks, fine.

I am 100% behind that.

I'll have order.

No booing.

Thank you for that answer.

I am now prepared to...

Excuse me.

Ooh, hissing.

Someone today here at Very, Very Fun Day said,

how do you manage to get to the bottom of these cases, sometimes very fraught, sometimes full of feeling,

with such an open mind and lack of judgmentalness

and of kindness and love?

And I say, you have misinterpreted my show.

Obviously, I am judging people.

It's in the name of the show.

While I do judge monstrosity when I see it and order redress, the fact that you think

that I offer love and generosity to all parties is because the fact is, I love you, Allie, and I love you, Becky.

Let us all approach each other with that love and open-mindedness.

You do not need to hiss this dude.

Let me do it with my words.

And we got more justice to deliver.

So I will say this.

Allie, you are not wrong

when you assessed

the state of my fortunes before

the computer ads.

during the computer ads, and now in the dark, bleak, nearly ten years since the computer ads.

When

long, cold years spent

staring down the last times in my life,

staring down the future years of my life that have no consequence or relevance or purpose, until at last fate will release its grip on me and give me to death.

Where am I?

But you're not wrong.

I think it was interesting that you brought that up because of the feeling that I definitely had during that period of time that it was so unlikely and unexpected and unsought that I would be asked to audition for those ads and then get the job that I felt every every day that I worked on those ads as though I had won some kind of crazy lottery.

And how would I keep it it going?

And I can appreciate that when

one's work is so mercurial

that you feel

extra fraudulent and undeserving,

which I do,

that you might appeal to a more superstitious nature.

And in fact, you know, something happened which I cannot forget.

I wore the same glasses and bogus luxury wristwatch in all of those ads.

I still own the glasses.

They were mine to begin with.

That's how dorky my glasses were at the time.

The watch I no longer have, but I remember very distinctly on the last day that we shot in January of 2010.

How many years ago was that, sir?

You're pretty good at that.

Seven years ago?

Wow.

Yeah, that's amazing.

No advocates.

These kids don't mess anything.

These kids don't mess around.

And I got back to my trailer to change and go home.

And I just had a very distinct feeling that that was it, that we weren't going to come back.

And there were many times over the course of the campaign where they were like, I think this might be it.

And I was like, I don't think so.

And then sometimes I thought, maybe.

But this time I really felt like, yeah, there's nowhere.

This is the end.

And I looked at the, as I took off the watch, I realized it was a watch face.

it was an analog watch face, and it didn't have numbers, but it had little golden pips, you know, where the numbers should be.

And they had all fallen off and gathered in the bottom of the of the watch

that day.

And I was like,

this is a sign.

And I burst into tears.

And Justin came back and I said, this is the end.

And he said, I think so, too.

And we hugged.

And I have never seen him or spoken to him again.

Why?

Why have I never seen or spoken to Justin?

Because I fear if I see him or talk to him, then Apple might not call us back.

No, that's not true.

I see him all the time.

And I love him.

But there is an element, if you work in...

a job where it's it's feast, feast, feast, and then famine for a long time, it drives you crazy.

It drives you crazy, and let the record show he's nodding.

But I am here to tell you that you are not a fraud,

that your confidence emanates from you.

I think that's the same person who wooed him for being an options trader.

Are you a colleague or something?

And as difficult as that might be to believe, I do believe that it is true.

That said, I think that you are causing your wife undue harm by smelling bad.

I think that that needs to cease.

I think that

while I appreciate that 2% of your time spent in your career

is responsible for 50% of your net worth and therefore your wife's net worth as well,

that is a dark path to travel down to hold your financial success over your wife's.

So don't do that.

I'm not saying, I mean, I trust, I trust, look,

I trust Becky can do the math.

She's a public Montessori school teacher.

She doesn't need to be reminded that you make more money than she does.

All right?

So I wouldn't travel down that path.

And if it helps you to

stay on a good path and feel good about yourself to play a game where you wear the same clothes,

when you're on a winning streak, I see no harm in it so long as you don't smell bad.

And for that reason, I am going to give you something very special.

Here's something I don't admit to much on the podcast: I am magic.

I am not

merely

a famous minor television personality

and renowned podcast host,

but also

an immortal wizard.

None of you may reveal my true nature,

but I am going to give you a magic

spell.

And I'm going to touch your head, and I'm going to say, Allie,

you're not going to win all the time.

In fact, you're going to lose most of the time.

That's the nature of your job.

If you're on a winning streak and you want to wear the same clothes, that's fine.

But I am giving you a magic spell, and I'm giving that magic spell also to your wife, and I'm giving that magic spell also to your washing machine.

That washing machine is now magic, and not only will it not take away the magic of your clothes,

it will double the magic.

I have removed my hand from Allie's forehead.

Let the record show that my palm now smells like a lure for men by Chanel.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

Thank you to John Barr for naming this case.

To Becky and Allie, thanks for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you guys very much.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfund.org, and they are all your favorites.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

Jesse, the reviews are in.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast, also brought to you this week by Made In.

So, you know that Made In makes the pots and pans and griddles and woks and more that pro-chefs like Tom Calicio use every day at their homes and in their restaurant.

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That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com and tell them that Judge John Hodgman sent you.

Gene, yeah.

What the people of Chicago do not know because they've never seen a live Judge Hodgman.

John Judge Judge Judge Judge Judge Hodgman.

Ninja Turtles.

Yeah, right.

Is that this is not just judgment, this is also entertainment.

We have a musical guest for you tonight.

That's right.

I am very excited to welcome our musical guest to the stage.

He is from the west side of what city?

Chicago.

His bucket list project was named by Rolling Stone as the 12th best hip-hop album of 2016.

He's about to headline on a tour across the United States and where else?

Canada.

Please welcome to the stage, Saba.

What's going on, Chicago?

So my name is Saba, as you said, I'm from the west side of Chicago.

Pivot game.

Can I get a, can I get the track

and a monitor?

And

I wanna, it's gonna be real quick.

It's gonna gonna be real quick.

We're gonna get right back into it.

But I just wanna, you know what I'm saying?

Rock with y'all on time.

Where's your head?

Where's your soul?

Your heart?

Where's your love?

Your care?

Where's your life?

Ah, ah, ah.

Look, earth can be so lonely, far away rolling heaven.

Man, he can count a dollar, couldn't count a blessing.

Ayy, where's your head, you necklace for a fucking necklace?

Ooh, put that shit on record, bet they get the message.

Just like after the beat, wear my rap on my sleeve, want my heart on my tongue.

What you think that I speak?

From his blood on my teeth, like a hop nigga with a pose.

I'm at the crib playing meal, so dropped out on the meeting alone.

A sane school booking meat, dropping college, collect like an artist.

I'm an artist, raw, what you call it.

I'm an artist, artist, on the honor.

Or we fightin' fast, like writing artists.

On the whole this album, so article.

And the problems up, fan face to suck.

Come from and I run shit like Sonic.

Pull my songs in all of my son and sonic.

Where's your name?

Where's your soul, yo?

Where's your love, your kid?

Where's your life?

Who can make you forget that we're all in space?

They only like a new kid, that's my college campus.

All these women want me like my name was chanted.

Tatum, I don't even take them, y'all can't.

I'll still have em.

Like I got my own.

Breed kill man, man, still want more.

Niggas pool fair, talking about they poor.

Niggas be broke, talking like they on.

Really care what I would say, though.

They tanked themselves for conversation.

Last year, I just had to lay though.

Now pass the torch like hot potato.

Cause I'm on it.

Take the green line out west.

I also thought the best project since the chronic.

Like an herb freshman, how I'm locked in.

I'm peeing.

Oh, cap.

No, a nigga.

Prime Mon, nigga, I don't know.

She got on that store.

Where's your hand?

Where's your soul, yo?

Where's your love, your care?

Where's your life, yo?

Can I see y'all hands moving one time like this?

Where's your hand?

Where's your soul, yo?

Chicago let me hear I'll make some noise on time

I want to say thank you for having me thank you for being accepted my name is Sabah I'll see you guys later

What can follow that?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing can follow that except for another couple cases and then and then Sabbath's going to come back.

We'll hear some more later.

So another round of applause.

But Gene,

there's a lot.

There's a lot going on in Chicago that needs to be resolved.

What is going on in Chicago?

Stuff.

There is a lot going on in Chicago that needs to be resolved justice-wise.

I'm not going to go down that road.

I feel like you opened a door that you

really can't close it

on a segment.

I don't want to go through like God, but I'm going to, luckily, I'm here to solve Chicago.

I guess that's what I'm saying.

Let's keep justice going then.

Yeah, with our segment.

The one that we can handle with a segment called Swift Justice.

That's right.

So we have three cases, Gene.

Yes.

And we're going to hear them fast.

Fast, fast.

And, Gene, I'm going to say put 10 minutes on the clock.

Okay.

I'm going to dispense justice in three minute and 33 second chunks.

It's very interesting.

One second left over.

I can do math too, sir.

Woo!

Gene, bringing out the first litigants.

Okay, we've got Jane versus Carla in a vacation dispute.

I am starting to time her right now.

All right.

You guys are automatically sworn in.

Which one of you is Jane?

I'm Jane.

Which one of you is Carla?

I'm Carla.

Who brings this case before this court?

I do.

What's the problem, Jane?

Well, Carla and I have been friends for 100 years, and.

I doubt it.

Only I.

I'm an immortal wizard.

Oh, sorry.

I don't remember seeing you back at the 100-year party.

Okay, well,

a long-time friend.

No, math.

No more math for me, that's for sure.

And

our sons, who are both 20 and away at school, have been best friends their whole lives, too.

So we are sort of in that kind of, you know, we're coming upon that empty nest time, which we're both.

you know, bittersweet, kind of celebrating, kind of morning.

Exciting.

I can tell you right now, you guys are going to have the time of your life.

Well,

it was just my my feeling.

It was my feeling.

That's why we're here, Judge, because we decided we wanted to take a trip.

And so

I would go a million different places.

We both like to be active and be outdoors, go for a hike, go for a great, you know, end with a martini at the end of the day.

Done.

Ordered.

Okay.

All you had to say was martini.

What's the problem?

I don't know.

Carla, what's the problem?

So I'd like to go someplace where we cannot be reached by our employers.

Okay.

And that usually precludes cities, liquor.

So I'm trying to get to go someplace like British Columbia.

Let's go to Canada.

Go to Canada?

Like out in the woods,

someplace where they wake you up at dawn and you go swimming with whales and your boss

you want a nature Canadian vacation

and I want to hide from my employer.

Do you need help?

Blink, blink twice.

It's a podcast.

They won't know.

No, I'm good.

One blink, one blink only.

Judge, if I may, I think that she's downplaying the way she's presented this.

It was more like an ashram where we were going to have to do yoga every day and

drink kale juice.

And

I don't have anything.

I knew I was going to look bad.

I knew I was going to look bad.

No, no,

it's a different style.

Where do you want to go, Jane?

Oh, my gosh.

I'll go to I'd go to Vancouver.

I want to go someplace where we can hike and eat great food.

And I would go to, I've never been to Nashville.

I've never been to Paris.

No, I have been to Paris, but I would go again.

I'm open.

I just don't want to be doing yoga and not having a cocktail at the end of the day.

You know I'm with you on this one, Jane.

I am there also.

But I think that a period of self-reflection is also good.

I think that Vancouver and British Columbia is the correct mix for you guys.

Half your time will be spent in Vancouver partying hard, the other half will be meditating quietly in the woods.

I don't mean to split it down the middle, but you're obviously good friends who want very different things.

And if this friendship is going to survive your empty nest as you go forward together in life as effective friend spouses, you're going to have to learn to compromise.

So ordered.

Thank you.

Jane versus Carla, I 150% would watch this sitcom.

Yeah, totally.

All right.

Next up.

Y'all get your pilot scripts ready for Jane and Carla.

It's the new Kate and Allie.

You guys are adorable.

Next up, Emily versus George in curse word dispute.

Oh, okay.

This is a curse word dispute.

I think I know who Emily is.

Say hello, Emily.

Hi, I'm Emily.

And George, say hello.

Hello.

All right, by saying hello, you are automatically sworn in.

You have to tell me the truth.

Are you related in any way?

Yes, George is my father.

Let the record show that she lied.

She is actually his his daughter.

What?

Oh, sorry.

All right, and you bring George to this court against his will.

What is the problem?

So this case is regarding the F word, fart.

That is not what I normally think of when you say the F word.

I agree.

Except.

What is the problem, exactly?

So my dad, for as long as I can remember, finds so much joy in farting in the faces of my siblings and I.

Nothing just thinking about it.

Let the record show that Daddy George made a face as though to say,

what's weird about that?

George, you will eventually have to talk on this podcast.

How do you respond to the accusation that you like to fart in the face of your children?

That's not the case.

I don't care.

I want to know whether this happens or not.

Maybe once or twice.

You have farted in the the face of your children?

In the direction.

In the direction?

In their general direction?

Nerd.

Yes.

At what age?

Emily, what age are you now?

I will be 30 next week.

Oh, happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday.

All right.

So

is he still farting in your face?

Is that the problem?

Absolutely.

Well,

believe it or not, there's a different problem.

That is also a problem.

All right.

How deep does this abusive relationship go?

So

when he does this, obviously we respond with something like, ew, stop farting.

And he immediately turns solemn and he tells us to stop swearing because he thinks fart is a four-letter word, like any swear.

I see what you're doing, George.

And I don't believe...

And it's a nice play.

It's a great play.

I don't believe it's a four-letter word.

I also don't think he really believes it's a four-letter word.

Rather, it's a 30-year-long weird dad joke that he will continue on forever, unless there's a ruling in my favor.

Okay, George,

you're under oath now.

Do you believe that F-A-R-T

is a swear word?

Is that a cuss word?

Yes.

You feel uncomfortable saying it?

I don't say it.

You just do it.

Well, yeah.

He's a man of energy.

And the immortal motto of the megaforce, deeds, not words.

That's for one person in the audience.

Look it up, megaforce.

That's a movie.

All right.

You're not just saying that it's a four-letter word in order to F-word

in your daughter's face and then pretend that that word is unspeakable so she cannot defend herself.

No, it's the word.

There are lots of words you shouldn't say.

Like what?

Oh, the other four-letter words.

Okay, but

I'm going to tell you,

fart is not a cuss.

It is.

You know,

we don't cuss on this podcast.

Right.

But I will say fart all day long.

Sometimes when we don't have a good case, I just say fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart, fart.

Let's see what I contend.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, please.

What I contend is that there are better words than fart.

Than what?

Than flatulate.

Oh, you said it.

All right.

I was coerced.

Let me tell you this.

Breaking all social norms by farting in your children's face and then turning around and saying you're not allowed to say the word fart.

That kind of gaslighting is no good for our president and it's no good for you.

I find in Emily's.

Fair play, Emily versus George.

Get out of here.

We saw what you were doing.

I'm Emily Fleming.

I'm Jordan Morris.

And I'm Matt Lieb.

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Real friends.

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New episodes every Saturday.

Find it at maximumfun.org.

Coming out back is Kari versus Carl.

Kari versus Cari in the veggie burger dispute.

Now, I'm going to tell you guys right now, that fart talk went a little long.

We got two minutes to talk about your veggie burger.

Kari, say hello.

Hi.

Okay, say whatever you want then, I guess.

Carl, say hello.

Hello.

Yes, right.

By saying hello or hi, you are now automatically torn in.

You have to tell the truth.

Kari, you bring this case against Carl.

What is the problem?

Here's the deal.

Every time we go to a restaurant, Carl orders a veggie burger because he's vegetarian.

Good.

I also am vegetarian.

Let the record show that Carl waved to the crowd, virtue signaling is vegetarianism.

Yes.

I'm also vegetarian and have been for a longer period of time.

Let the record show that the crowd did not applaud her because of misogyny.

A white man gets credit for something that a woman never would.

The problem is I never order a veggie burger because they're gross.

Carl orders a veggie burger every single time, doesn't like it, and eats my food instead.

And in the rare case, the rare case that he enjoys the veggie burger, he's concerned it's too meaty.

299 points of data, and now 300, all pointing to the inevitable conclusion, Carl, that the wife is or girlfriend is correct and the man is a monster.

How are you going to convince me otherwise, Carl?

Go.

No pressure or anything.

Just relax.

Salt.

I don't always order a veggie burger.

I'm something of a foodie, so I

don't.

So how dare you, Chicago?

Look around.

Look at yourself before you boo a foodie.

Max Fun listeners, you listen to podcasts.

Come on.

You're at a live podcast.

Yeah, you're at a lot.

You're at a full day podcast.

Come on.

And you're going to be like, oh, I'm not a foodie.

I know what you are.

I know all of you.

All right.

You've got time.

We're over time.

No, you've got time.

Oh, you got a little time?

All right.

So sometimes you order a veggie burger.

Yes.

And it's, would you say it is 100% unsatisfactory for you or 99% unsatisfactory?

99.

Have you,

Tell me the story of the best veggie burger you ever ate.

There's a little, there's a place.

Go ahead, you can say the name of it.

It's Mana Food Bar on Division.

All right.

But there's sliders, so it's mostly bun and it's mostly bun, but you really liked it.

Yeah.

And you've been chasing that veggie burger dragon, trying to get it back every time.

Yeah.

And you can't get it back.

Well, it's also,

you know, for lunch, I like to order a burger, you know, because I want to have a beer with my lunch, and I can't have have a beer with a salad.

You know, guess what?

You can.

Guess what?

Sometimes you can just have a beer.

All right.

Do you accept the accusation that you are eating Kari's food after you order your veggie burger because you find it unsatisfactory?

Occasionally, yes.

Yeah, okay.

You may order it.

Go ahead, please.

Might I make a suggestion?

Please.

As you just showed me today,

either on GrubHub or Seamless, there was a restaurant with the description only of alcohol/slash salad.

To which I immediately responded, they made that for me.

Possibly.

I'll tell you what, when we get off stage, I will look up on that popular remote ordering

website that we mentioned already, Seamless.

And

I'll look that up again, and I will tell you the name of that restaurant that says,

its description is simply alcohol, comma salads

and you may go there but until then you may only order the veggie burger sliders from that place that you mentioned manna which I guess is pretty good and from now on find something else to eat don't eat your friend's food

that's it ladies and gentlemen that's it for Swift Justice Swift Justice

Ladies and gentlemen, please remain standing as we welcome back to the stage our musical guest, Saba.

Saba will will be touring the United States and Canada starting in March.

Bucket list project is available on iTunes.

For tour dates and more information, visit Sabbapivot.com.

That's S-A-B-A-P-I-V-O-T.com.

And keep track of Sabbath on your soch meads at Sabba Pivot.

Ladies and gentlemen,

make a lot of noise for Sabbath!

If you wanna clap, go ahead.

Yeah

They ask you what's the cause and effect A doobies packing they fat now you call it collect They booby trapping and trap The police pulling the pulley you fall forward You silly putty you out of shape Fuck running, you catch a pace I can't relate to hell for my relatives My genetics is felony buying or reselling it it.

They told me tell a story.

I'm like, why not mine?

Shit, everybody taking pictures.

I'm like, why not vine?

And growing from the ground up, it looks like I'm a vine.

It's rarity in my realness.

Yeah, I'm a fine.

Diamond in the rough type, rough type.

Rough house in a roll house like Rugby.

Lovely, when you hit a lick, little kick like Chun Lee.

Funy, skins that I hoop with all ain't count me, count me.

Black bodies hunt them down, look like bounties.

Bound to be on the block a little while longer.

They your homies, this my homies.

White don't kill you, make it stronger.

Call upon Jesus, Jesus.

He can say Chicago from the demons and the deacons when it's DN.

Yeah, dodging precincts, it's pretense.

Let's pretend we privilege.

Not DC's addicted, it look like in the wrong church, church, liquid stove, cornerstone, dreadhead, deadlift, ditto, titlo, tiffos from Cicero to Central.

Was totally ego, didn't know who to hit the church, bomb shop, bottom, got from the listo on Cicero.

I ain't 21, but you didn't know.

Chicago, let me hear, I'll make some noise.

Bad habits of wrong places at wrong times.

A straight bullet will take the firstborn like the tenth plague.

I'm the new fear on my phone line.

Forever open for prayer.

The fallen soldiers, they failed.

They in my pen and I do thank God.

They say preach like Kool-Aid Haw.

From beginning to end, that's alpha and omega.

My city, the same ghost, that made Lupe cry.

Soon as you loosen up your grip, you lost and lose your life.

I loosen the dread from every time I gotta watch the cigarette smoke from out of my head.

Like I'm not dead, going on 20 soon.

They say I changed, that's a 15 room.

I'm still the same kid that didn't speak when we were in a school.

I just got a mic now.

I turned to a real nigga.

I just knocked a white down.

And fuck who you think I sound.

Like I'm a legend in the making.

Like the directors cut it.

Violent legend.

And I'm fed up with the fuck comparison.

These niggas don't got the truth that y'all want today.

Think I'm lying to plan a trip to Chicago today.

I was 15, it was fucking with me.

There's no logic in law.

Chicago.

I wanna say thanks again for having everyone.

My name is Seville.

Saba, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

That's so great.

Saba's album Bucket List Project is available anywhere you stream music.

He's also going to be headlining a European tour in October and November.

For his dates and more information, visit sabbapivot.com and keep track of Saba on social media at Saba Pivot.

Thanks so much to our pal Jean Gray for filling in for me on short notice.

You're the best, Gene.

She's on Twitter at GeneGreasy and on on Bandcamp at genegray.bandcamp.com.

If you want more Judge John Hodgman and Gene Gray together in a live setting, they are performing their new show John and Jean at Port City Music Hall in Portland, Maine on August 10th and at the Bell House in Brooklyn on September 27th.

We also want to thank the litigants for joining us, as well as Eric Westra, Shelly Steffens, and our friends at Talia Hall for help in putting the show together.

John Barr named the dispute Seeking Redress.

This episode was recorded by Matthew Barnard and produced by Jennifer Marmer.

That's about it.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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