Common Law Carriage
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Transcript
Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
This week, Common Law Carriage.
Blythe brings the case against her boyfriend, Mac.
Mac thinks he should have free rein to borrow Blythe's car, but Blythe wants him to ask for her permission every time.
Who's right?
Who's wrong?
Only one man can decide.
Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.
The target is an armored truck at Perimeter Trust in Dunwoody, 10 a.m.
sharp.
The switch car is ready, but you want me to hit the Long State parking structure and get a heist vehicle to the state's colder, longer.
It needs to be ready for an 8.30 start.
Questions?
No?
Bailiff Jesse, swear them in.
Please rise and raise your right hands.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?
I do.
I do.
Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he uses one of those Flintstones cars where your feet are going down underneath it and everything?
I do.
I do.
Very well.
Judge Hodgman.
Mac and Blythe, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors.
Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom?
Blythe, why don't you guess first?
What is your guess?
I don't know.
Speed?
Speed.
The movie speed?
Or the novel it was based on?
No worries.
It wasn't based on a novel.
That would have been a weird novel.
All right, I'll write that in the guess book.
Speed.
All right, Mac, it's down to you.
What is your guess?
Hmm.
I had some time to think, and then speed threw me off.
Let's say it's.
Yeah, you were thrown off by Blythe Speed.
I was.
Maybe the closest next guess I had was something from
a late Mission Impossible?
Yeah, maybe MI3, as it were.
All right, you're going to just spin the Mission Impossible wheel and land on three.
You're not even going to go with Ghost Protocol?
All right.
Yeah, I would have gone with Ghost Protocol.
Well,
one, two, both guesses are wrong.
That means all guesses are wrong.
Though you were in the right neighborhood.
Now, you might get mad because as of this recording, this movie has not yet been released, but the trailer is out there, and this quote is from the trailer.
It is from the movie Baby Driver,
directed and written by Edgar Wright, which is about
a getaway driver who drives cars
and sometimes has to steal them,
which is what this case is about.
Now, first of all, before I talk about Mac stealing Blythe's car,
I am not getting paid for this, Jesse Thorne.
I saw a screening of Baby Driver,
and it's incredible.
This is an incredible movie by one of my favorite filmmakers, Edgar Wright.
Even though I never heard the words Edgar Wright or anything that rhymed with them, like Medgar Fright,
I would have loved this movie.
Have you seen it, Jesse?
No, but I look forward to seeing it.
You should see it.
It is out in theaters as of this release date, but not as of this recording.
So I don't blame you guys for guessing wrong, but I'm grateful that you guessed wrong because now we get to hear your case.
Blythe and Mac, you guys both live in Santa Cruz, California.
Is that correct?
Yes.
All right.
And Jesse Thorne, if you don't know this, Santa Cruz is a region in New England.
Did you know that?
It's part of Maine.
I did not realize that.
Yeah.
It's a part of the world that you have no familiarity with and have no connection to whatsoever.
It's really
more more my neighborhood.
So it's not at all related to the University of California at Santa Cruz where I went to college.
No.
Well, it's an annex of New England.
That's the weird part.
Oh, okay.
It's sort of like how Maine and Massachusetts used to be one state.
So was Santa Cruz.
So when I, as a child, saw Chubby Checker perform live in concert on the boardwalk, that was in New England?
That's right.
Did he sing I Found My Thrill on Blueberry Hill?
That's Fat's Domino.
Oh, okay.
He did sing The Twist and, of course, Let's Twist Again like we did last summer.
Yeah, well, the full title of the song, Let's Twist Again like we did in O'Gun Quit, Maine.
Got it.
Last summer.
It's one of those song titles with a parentheses.
So I first met Jennifer Marmor, our producer, in New England at the University of California, Santa Cruz.
No, we're having fun.
Of course, Santa Cruz is your world, not mine.
And you're home of your beloved alma mater.
Yeah, my semi-beloved alma mater.
Your semi-beloved alma mater.
Go banana slugs.
Yeah, you know.
Okay.
Mack and Blythe, do you have any connection to UC Santa Cruz?
I was a student there and graduated in 2015.
You were a banana slug?
Yep.
All right.
That is, of course, the mascot of UC Santa Cruz, correct?
Yes.
Oh, I thought you were going to say that is, of course, the only thing that most people know about UC Santa Cruz.
Well, I don't even presume people know that much.
That's why I felt like I had to explain that the mascot of UC Santa Cruz is the gigantic, oozing banana slug.
Yep.
And Mac,
you're a little bit older.
According to my notes here, she is 26.
You are 31.
What is your connection to Santa Cruz and what do you do in your life?
I moved from my hometown.
to Santa Cruz four years ago,
last month, and just kind of started a new life here and have connected with Santa Cruz by just
working since I got
here.
Okay,
you managed to say a lot without answering many of my questions, so I'm going to ask some more specific ones.
What do you do in Santa Cruz?
I work at a coffee roasting company.
Okay, great.
Coffee roasting company.
And your hometown, though, you're not a native.
Cruzanne.
Where are you from?
Prescott, Arizona.
All right.
And did you leave your hometown of Prescott, Arizona because you were wanted for car theft?
No.
I left to work in Santa Cruz and be with my family, who had just recently moved to the area.
Oh, great.
And you met Blythe, and now you live together and borrow her car from time to time?
From time to time.
Okay.
Blythe, you've brought this case to my fake courtroom.
Explain to me what the issue is.
Well,
he does not have a car, and often he rides his bike to work, but occasionally he will oversleep, the weather will be bad, and he just takes my car.
And that can be really frustrating, especially if I don't know my car is missing.
Now you have a job that you commute to?
Yeah, well, I have a job that...
I live fairly close to, so I don't have to commute.
But more specifically, it annoys me on my days off when I have plans going on and errands to run, and I don't have a car to do those things.
Okay, what do you do there in Santa Cruz, Blyther?
I work for a retail company as a sales supervisor.
Okay.
And you don't need the car to commute.
How close is your job?
It's like two blocks away.
Oh, okay.
So under almost any circumstances, you would, I would hope, walk to work?
Not often.
Sometimes.
You would not often walk to work?
Well, I like to go home on my lunch, and I need a car to do that quickly.
Okay, Bloth.
You drive two blocks to work.
I'm going to presume that there's some difference between California blocks and New York City blocks.
What's the distance, would you say, from your home to your work?
I'm not trying to shame you.
I'm just trying to get a picture of what's going on in your lives.
It's like about an eight-minute walk.
Oh, for shame, Blythe.
For
shame.
But
in your defense, this car belongs to you or do you co-own it, Blythe?
It belongs to me.
Okay, and what kind of car is it?
You can name the make and model.
A Honda Civic.
A Honda Civic Classic car of a 26-year-old.
Yes.
How long have you had it?
About five years.
Do you lease it?
Do you finance it?
Do you own it outright?
I own it outright.
Whew.
Did you buy it used?
Yes.
Yeah.
Did it cost a lot of money?
I mean, yeah, a good amount to pay for outright.
More than $1,000, I bet.
Yes.
Five years.
So you bought a car when you were 22, grown-up time.
Good for you, Blythe.
Mac,
why shouldn't Blythe have access to the car that she bought with her own money when she was 22, whenever she wants it?
I
think she should allow me to use the car, or that she should at least accept maybe not having it available to her when I have to get to work at certain times in the morning where it might not be convenient to ask her to drive me, or when there might not be Uber drivers available, or, like she mentioned, when the weather's not that great.
So, and I'll do my best to notify her as far ahead of time.
I'm not sure you're answering my question, Mac.
Why shouldn't Blythe
have access to the car that she owns whenever she wants it?
Whenever she wants it.
She should always have the car available to her when she wants it.
I think.
Right, but that is not happening in your household.
It is not.
It's happening when she.
I have the car when she needs to get to work most of the time.
And I'm just wanting to maybe see if her walking to work would be a reasonable option that she might eventually consider before driving to work.
Well, I mean, obviously, you heard me shame her.
So I definitely see your point of view that an eight-minute walk to work
in sunny California
is no great torment.
Jesse Thorne, as an expert in Santa Cruz, when these people talk about bad weather, is that a thing that happens?
It is,
although on a scale that I would say is relative to East Coast weather.
So Santa Cruz is a coastal city or a coastal town, I should say.
And
the weather is, especially in the summer, quite beautiful, but there are six months or so a year when it is frequently very rainy.
All right.
Rain is a reason to want to take cover under the roof of a car.
I accept that.
Blythe, how often does he borrow the car per week, would you say?
It's fairly sporadic.
After I submitted the case,
it cooled off a bit.
However, as frequently as this morning,
he took my car with only last night's notice and no other option for me.
So did he give you notice last night?
Did he say,
I'm, well, tell me, what did he say, if anything?
He said, I need to take the car tomorrow.
And I said, no, and he said, too bad.
Oh.
Oh, no.
It was more like, but I have to get to San Jose.
Okay, I understand you have needs in your life, Mac, that are pressing and professional.
But Blythe, was that the incident, or was there another particular incident that led you to take Mac to court today?
Yes.
Well, this had been going on for
a while, and
it was happening more and more frequently.
This is a few months ago.
And then one day.
How long have you lived together, just so I know?
About three years.
Okay.
All right.
And then what happened?
Something happened.
You're like, I have to call the internet about this.
Yes.
So
I had a whole day planned out of things I needed to take care of.
My days off, I like to accomplish a lot because I work five days a week.
I like to, you know, get some things done.
So what did you have on the docket?
What were you going to do?
You know, I had to like go grocery blocks.
Drive three blocks to the grocery store?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I'm not going to carry a bunch of groceries back.
And, you know, I own a digital marriage.
I take my joke back.
I'll try again.
Are you going to drive three blocks to the light and fluffy, easy to carry feather store?
Sorry, go ahead.
You were saying.
Yeah, I had stuff to do.
I'm in the process of like putting my makeup on, getting my hair dry, ready to leave the house, take care of things.
And I get a text that says, hey.
That's it.
Just hey.
And I said, hey, back.
Then he said, did you sleep in?
I said,
no, not really.
He's like, oh, well, I have your car.
So right in the middle of me getting ready to do all this stuff, I find out I don't have a car.
And I'm told to take an Uber to go get my car at his work.
And I don't think I should have to take an Uber to get my own car.
So Mac, your suggestion was that she should, and we're doing a lot of buzz marketing for Uber right now.
I realize that that has become a common lingo these days.
But let us point out that there are other ride-sharing services that are not run by horrific monsters.
Now, I say that as someone who uses Uber from time to time, but let's just
shout out to Lyft and Juno and Get
and
probably 35 others that I haven't heard of.
What's that?
The bus?
Shout out to the bus.
Shout out to the bus.
Santa Cruz City Cabs.
Do you have petty cabs in Santa Cruz?
No, not.
I haven't seen that.
Just downtown.
Do you have that individual Zeppelin service that I am trying to develop as an app?
Too expensive.
Where you can hail a personal Zeppelin from any street corner to lift you up and carry you to where you need to go?
Not yet.
No?
Good.
I'm glad they haven't broken that in that market because I want to get that one done myself.
Yeah, I think Santa Cruz is going to be a hot Zeppelin market.
Don't you think so?
Well, that's the only kind of Zeppelin there is.
You don't have no cold zeppelins.
Those are called balloons on the ground.
And how did you feel
when you got this?
I mean, your name is Blythe, but this was pretty Blythe of Mac
name pun.
When he said, hey, I got your car.
Take a car service to your own car if you want it.
How did that make you feel?
I mean, I was pissed, especially because this had been an ongoing thing of...
You have to get my permission.
Like, I need to know you're taking my car, or I need to be able to offer you.
I can give him a ride if he asks me to.
In many cases, I'd rather wake up early in the morning and give him a ride somewhere than not have my car all day or have to pay money to go get it.
What does Mac think about Blythe's frustration?
Let's find out after a quick break.
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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
Blythe is filing suit against her boyfriend Mac because he borrows her car without permission.
Let's get back to the courtroom to hear what Mac has to say about it.
So, Mac,
you know, sometimes we do things and we get used to little habits, particularly in a cohabitation with, or in this case, without marriage situation,
where, you know,
things start to seem normal, which really should not be normal.
And I think the baseline of this in any marriage, of course, is farting in front of the person you love the most.
You start to forget that that's kind of gross and not ideal.
Now, there's some couples that may enjoy that a lot.
They may get a particular thrill of farting in front of each other.
I'm not commenting on anyone's lifestyle.
But you see what I mean.
And then sometimes when you hear things said out loud, you start to go, oh, wait a minute, that's not cool.
Mac,
now that you've heard Blythe tell me, Jesse, the court, and the internet
about what's going on and how she feels about it, how does that make you feel?
It makes me feel that there's a bigger picture to it and perhaps in the end a lost opportunity for
Blythe to
maybe enjoy
a walk
to and from work from now and then.
And that also also the event that led to this course.
I want to hear about the event, but I'm just going to put you on pause for one second to say
I want Mac put down in the annals of this courtroom as a master deflector.
I felt like,
do you have any political aspirations, Mac?
Oh, no, I don't.
No, but I mean, you know what I was saying because I said, how does it make you feel when Blythe explains to her frustration and you basically did this incredible
like Paul Ryan?
Like, that's a really good question.
But the real issue here is my talking points.
Oh, no.
Which are, Blythe should be thinking about how I'm making her life better by stealing her car without her permission.
But you know what?
I'm willing.
I mean, look, I think you feel where this court is leaning at this moment.
But I have an open mind.
You obviously have a larger case that you want to make, some larger contexts that you you want to bring forward that might make me think differently about common courtesy and property rights.
So I'm truly going to open my mind to it now, Mac,
and allow you to explain, so long as you are being true to yourself and not just trying to win an internet game, what is the context I am missing?
And what is the context that Blythe is missing that we should be aware of?
Please explain the event that you are going to use to illustrate this context.
Sure.
I think the overall line concept is that the car should be more evenly used and then also
that Blythe should use
the bike that she has available to her and also take into consideration when she is working that it is a quick eight minute walk and that I'm farther away from the house than she is and that
in response to her saying that she would have loved to give me a ride, no matter what time of morning, I think that day was one where I had to wake up and drive out of there sometime
around like six in the morning and she wouldn't have liked to have woken up at that time.
And then I do try to use my bike as much as possible but sometimes it's hard to crank to work when my legs might be tired from a day before.
So I'm just looking for maybe that
in in direct response to your other question that I feel like maybe it could be more fair in that it's not like I'm using the car disrespectfully.
Well, you know what, I will cede a point to you about shared property in a cohabitation
situation such as this, because after all, you guys,
you share a bed, I presume, you share your apartment, you share the dishwasher,
if you have one.
You share the refrigerator.
You both buy food and you share it, and you don't, I presume,
keep specific tabs on who's making sure that you each eat exactly one half of that peanut butter jar.
I'm making your case for you here, Mac, right?
Sure, yes.
Whose apartment is it?
Well, my name's the one on the lease.
Yeah.
And it's a rental, I presume?
Yes.
Right, and do you split the rent?
Yes.
All right.
Evenly?
Yes.
And
consistently so?
Yes.
All right.
And so all of the things that I discussed, I mean, I presume it didn't come furnished.
Did you guys buy a bed?
Yes.
Yes.
We split one.
And did you move into this apartment together, or was it yours originally?
It was mine originally.
You were living there and you invited him to move in with you?
Yes.
Have you ever had second thoughts about that decision?
No.
May I offer you some?
Mac, I'm trying here.
I'm trying here, but this is what I'm hearing.
You have moved in with a beloved human in your life.
She took you in out of the wilds of Prescott, Arizona.
You wandered to Santa Cruz
to work in a coffee roaster's.
She owned a car,
and now your argument is that you should be able to treat that car as if it is your own
because frankly it's better for her because she'll get to walk and bike more and also your legs get tired.
Well and there's an underlying thing also.
It's like I'm borrowing the car without permission because she doesn't give me permission.
Like when I mentioned it last night it was just met with a fierce and swift no.
And I try to borrow the car with, you know, in reasonable
and I know when she has to work.
And I just don't get the permission when I would really like it.
And that's usually
when this habit really built to its peak was when I was like, well, I'm not even going to ask.
I'll just get forgiveness later.
You'll just go ahead and steal it.
You didn't get what you wanted, so you're going to take it anyway.
I guess that's what happened.
To be fair, Judge Hodgman, if I may interject here, as I understand it, part of the concern here is that mac wanted to borrow the car to drive to san jose
uh-huh there's there's a bus that goes from santa cruz to san jose and it sucks big time it does it sucks so much that i learned to drive so that i could get a car so i wouldn't have to take that bus anymore
what business did you have in san jose mac
a two-day event that a two-day professional event yes catering a two-day coffee roasting jamboree
Somewhat.
In a hallway, yes.
We have our own.
And
you had the car for those two days?
No, just for today.
I had to meet my team there and then drive back.
Oh, okay.
So it was not an overnight event?
No.
Oh, so you probably want to use the car again tomorrow, because this is now of the moment.
No, tomorrow I have the company car available to me.
It was an under, we had an understaffed fleet today.
Okay, so you do occasionally have a company car available to you.
Well, when I go out of town, yeah, it's very rare that I need to take her car to San Jose, but this is one of those occasions where I did definitely have to use the car.
Well, you definitely needed to go to San Jose.
Yes.
Yeah.
I mean, there were options available to you.
There were.
The bus or...
The car, Bly's car.
There are, you might say, a variety of ways to San Jose.
I have to confess, Jesse,
I honestly don't know the way to San Jose.
How far away is it from Santa Cruz?
What are we really talking about here?
Well, the distance is pretty modest, Judge Hodgman.
I think they may be separated only by about 15 or 20 miles.
But in between them is a mountain range.
Or a very small mountain range and a somewhat treacherous highway, Highway 17, which travels through the mountain pass, so to speak.
So
you have to get there.
I mean, unless you're going to swim, you have to get there by bus or car.
And the bus and car options are relatively limited.
There's a Greyhound bus, and I believe there is also
Santa Cruz City bus.
Oh.
You know, I want to put Max butt in a Greyhound bus now.
That would be the ultimate.
It's an hour and a half to travel like 45 minutes in the car.
It's so bad.
Yeah,
I should say that driving over that mountain is about a 45-minute trip, and taking the bus is an hour or an hour and a half.
Although, from time to time, you get into a nice conversation with the driver about the relative merits of El Cukui and De la Mañana and
El Piolin.
He prefers El Cukui de la Mañana because of his good works.
You answered my question before I could ask it.
Thank you.
I'm making a note.
Now, for our listeners who don't know what you're talking about.
Those are Spanish language morning radio hosts.
The two kings of Spanish language morning radio.
Dos Reyes.
One of whom is known particularly for his good works.
That's El Cucuy.
El Cukuy.
Well, I'll have to listen to El Cucuy then.
If a bus driver recommends a morning radio program, you know that it's got to be diverting.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Blythe,
Mac has accused you of never giving him permission to borrow the car, even when reasonable notice is given.
How do you respond to that accusation?
I mean,
I think in the past I have been more reasonable about
letting him take my car when he's asked.
But lately, because of the amount of not asking that was happening, I feel like I have this knee-jerk reaction to just say no.
By default right you feel you feel spiteful at this point and and possessive right do you have a name for your car luna
people in california name their cars it's adorable that is a real uh santa cruz car name too as far as i'm concerned it's named after the women's energy bar
Mac, when you borrow the car, do you pay for gas?
Do you help out with any of the other Luna expenses?
From time to time.
Today it's being returned with a full tank.
I will, from time to time, surprise her with a full tank.
But we'll take trips together and
we'll do best to balance it out.
So I do pay from time to time, but
yeah, the car was paid in full by her.
What do you mean, balance it out?
Sometimes you pay for your personal travel in the car, and sometimes Blythe pays for your personal travel in the car.
Well, no, I figure if
the eight gallons of gas that I throw in then goes to driving her to work for the next three weeks, because it is only about two or three times a month that I borrow the car, sometimes a little bit more, but that eight gallons goes a lot farther for her than it does for me using it
every once in a while.
You're turning this into a math word puzzle that I don't wish to figure out.
I understand your point you're making, though.
I believe what he's trying to say is that he puts more wear and tear on the car, so it's only fair for him to buy less gas.
Bailiff Jesse, I think, has reached his verdict.
Do you pay, Mac?
Do you pay for any of the running costs of the car?
Repairs, insurance,
new wiper blades?
I've only made one insurance payment, but no.
I don't know.
And you know on the wiper blades.
No wiper blades.
I did buy wiper fluid.
A whole gallon of it.
You got to replace those wiper blades every third trip.
I've decided.
Blythe, do you have any other concerns about Mac driving your car besides the fact that he is driving it?
Is he a good driver?
Is he a responsible driver?
Does he have a driver's license?
I mean, I did mention that I noticed how sometimes he does not lock my car after he uses it.
And if we're riding together, I need to remind him to lock my car.
Wow.
He's a responsible driver.
Mac, why don't you lock up Luna?
Is that just your legs are tired from a long day of roasting and
you've forgotten?
No, no, it's simply
more a matter of principle.
It's better for Blythe that her car be unlocked because it'll encourage her to bike more.
No, no.
I just forget from time to time by total accident.
It's not intentional that I just am like, oh, this doesn't need to be locked.
Right.
But I use the fob.
I try to lock it.
It's a fob lock?
It is a fob lock.
Yeah, you just go boop boop.
Click
boop boop.
Oh.
Bob Loblaw.
Now, you guys have a roommate, is that correct?
Yes.
And what is the name of the roommate?
Jacob.
And does Jake have a car?
Excuse me, Jacob.
Yes.
And they never use it.
And Jacob never,
why don't you steal Jacob's car from time to time, Mac?
He didn't give me a spare key.
Maybe he was a little smarter than Blythe in that regard.
I've taken the key back.
You've taken the key back?
Yeah, and then he finds it.
On the key hook.
You take the key, but you're not exactly hiding it.
It's a purloined letter situation.
You're hiding it in plain sight.
But it's not on his T-ring.
It's not like she's trying to get him to dry out from alcoholism.
In all fairness, you told me to take the key off of the hook because my keys were too heavy or like just separate the two.
Wait a minute.
I couldn't quite hear what was going on in that little sentence.
I do know it began with, in all fairness.
And since you have such an enjoyable definition of fairness,
what did you say?
In all fairness about the keys?
I was asked by Blythe to disconnect the keyring from her keys because she thought my set weighted down her ignition too much and that it would eventually damage the ignition.
Her fob.
Yeah, the weight of my keys, which is a set of maybe six or seven keys.
So you're saying that she took her fob back,
not because she didn't want you to drive the car, but because your keys were too heavy and manly?
That was, yes, that that did happen.
I don't know what that has to do with fairness.
Okay, fine.
Mac, are there things of yours that Blythe borrows without asking?
Good question.
Bale of Jesse Thorne.
No.
No, no, there's nothing that she borrows
without permission.
No, there's nothing.
Do you own anything?
I do own lots of things.
Okay.
What's your most prized possession?
Uh, at this very moment, my bike.
Your bike.
Okay.
And she doesn't need to borrow your bike because she's got one of her own.
She does.
Mac, I want to come back to Jacob.
What does he do?
He works the same place that I work at.
He's a production manager.
He works at the same place that you do.
That's right.
I got him the job.
Why do you not carpool in his car?
He rides his bike at an earlier time of morning than I do most oftentimes.
So we sometimes bike together as much as possible, but he never takes
his truck.
Unless his legs are tired.
Have you discussed the possibility of borrowing his car or his truck, as you say?
Which sounds cool.
Yeah, his truck is.
It's a fancy truck.
It's like supercharged and he takes very good care of it.
I've never asked.
I would not really ever want to.
Because I'm pretty sure he'd be like, that's funny.
But no.
Oh.
Maybe if you offered to spend a night with him or two, all of a sudden that would become your property as well.
Ask to share his bed first.
I smell romance.
One final question before I take the Greyhound bus to my chambers.
Why don't you get your own car, Mac?
We don't have an extra place to park it.
I figured if I do get my own car, that it might as well be
in interest of buying one with Blythe.
So we would sell her car and then buy mine or buy ours.
And then that would even things out.
But that's a bigger kind of discussion and purchase that we've talked about being maybe way later down the line.
But
as of right now, that's not an option for me.
But Blythe, if I rule in your favor, you would like me to rule that either Mac gets his own car or that he no longer takes your car without permission.
Is that correct, Blythe?
Yes.
And I mean, there's street parking available.
Okay, if he were to get his own car.
Yes.
Yeah.
And Mac, if I were to rule in your favor,
that's a possibility.
You wouldn't want me to order Blythe to walk to work more.
I would like for her to give me permission more reasonably and not default to a no.
And also, if I am sentenced, or if there is, if the court finds in her favor that at least maybe she'd be compelled to walk from work and to get those cobwebs off that bike and to actually use it because it would love to be ridden.
Okay.
I think I heard everything in order to make my decision.
I'm going to listen to the dulcet tones of KZSE as I take the city bus to my chambers in San Jose, and I will be back in seven to nine days with my verdict.
Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.
Mac, are you a good driver?
I am a good driver.
Ever get tickets?
Never gotten a speaking ticket or any sort of traffic citation.
Blythe, Mac has other positive qualities?
Yes.
What are some of the best things about Mac?
He's really good at cooking.
He's funny and can be really nice.
And
he's
very generous.
Well, that's nice.
So he's not just a human monster.
Yeah.
That's good.
Mac, if I came over for dinner, what would you cook?
Probably like a bean dish, right?
I feel like every dish in Santa Cruz has just beans.
No.
No.
Beans and beans.
Not at all.
I love making cheesy garlic mash.
That's always great.
And steak.
So steak and taters.
Yeah.
That's.
Awesome.
Steak and potatoes.
I'm in.
You win.
I skip Hodgman.
You win.
Steak and potatoes.
Let's do it.
Better than beans.
We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a second.
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Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.
You may be seated.
So,
Blythe,
Mac
says
that you should walk to work more often.
And this court agrees with Mac.
You should walk to work more often.
You're very close to your work.
It is good for you, and it is good for the environment, and you'll
enjoy your life more if you spend more of it outdoors than in Little Luna.
And even though you want to come home for lunch,
you should walk home for lunch because it's not a long walk.
Mac says that you should bike more.
And this court agrees with him because riding a bicycle is wonderful.
I live in a part of the country, the northeast,
where we are only just now, and just now barely
able to go outside comfortably and move around
without being hated by the elements.
A gift that I fear some people in California take for granted.
Mac also believes you should take your bike more
because it feels sad
because it wants to be ridden.
In this case, the court must point out that bikes are inanimate objects
and Mac is delusional.
Mac is delusional about your bike, but maybe not an unusual delusion in Santa Cruz.
However, for all of those pieces of good advice
that Mac,
one man,
and me, Judge John Hodgman, another man, have attempted to force onto you,
this court will not order you to bike more
or to walk more because you're a grown-up.
You're an individual human being
who can choose what she wants to do on her feet or in her car that she owns,
no matter what the two most important men in her life think is good for her, that being Mac and me.
I applaud you for investing in a car and keeping it for five years in your 20s without destroying it
and for taking that grown-up step.
The benefit
that we have, now it may be that there are people who do not believe in private property, but this court does.
Because that investment that you made in that private property of yours affords you choices in your life.
Choices for how to spend your time in the way you want to do it.
Choices that someone who does not own a car has.
Mac, I've held back for a while.
I like you.
I want to come for steak and taters at your house.
Cheesy, garlic, mashed potatoes, I'm in.
But not only is what you are doing, contrary to your bizarre assertion, unfair
to
take
Blythe's property when you feel like it because you want it,
but it is also disrespectful to the choice that she made in her early 20s to invest in this car.
Now, I don't know how things go in Prescott, Northern Arizona,
but you're in Santa Cruz now.
The real world, right, Jesse?
Yeah.
The hard scrabble, real world.
The tough streets of Santa Cruz.
The tough streets of Santa Cruz, where people make their choices and live with them.
Where we eat dip and dots, the ice cream of the future.
You very compellingly described
the onerous nature of the trip to San Jose,
the mountainous route, and the tiresome ploddiness of taking a bus and how it just doesn't feel like fun to you to go that way.
Well, guess what?
You don't get to choose.
Because if it weren't for Blythe, you'd find another way.
You'd take that bus or you'd rent a car or you'd find a friend who would loan you a car and you wouldn't just go over to that friend's house and take it.
There is no reason on earth that you should treat Jacob and his truck with more respect than the woman you are spending your life with.
You have to appreciate that on some level.
I can only imagine that we're even having this discussion because you thought it might be fun for a fake internet judge to yell at you for a while and guess what you're getting it i'm sorry i never liked yelling i never told her to sign up i she did this to me
she did it to you yes i didn't well i hope she's happy i didn't ask to be brought
are you begging for mercy before this court sir
no no i do because i will grant you some
the thing of it is that you are sharing your lives together, and the lines between
what is personal and what is shared is often blurred.
And should you
eventually become married,
well, this is the peril, of course, of marriage, which is then the car would belong to you, partly.
You would have to share that, unless you did a prenup for Luna, which I might strongly advise.
A carve-out
in your marriage contract.
The car is mine.
The reasonableness of your request to use the car, or even the reasonableness of your taking the car, that only happens a couple of times a month, you know, you
only in great need or whatever, none of that comes to bear on the fact that borrowing without permission is wrong.
And I appreciate that you've now been asking permission,
but you are now eating the fruit of the poisoned tree because you didn't ask enough times that Blythe is now spitefully turning you away.
What I would say is this.
It is time for a fresh start.
I like you both.
I want you guys to enjoy each other's company and not
sit on opposite sides of the room polishing your own diamonds and not looking at each other.
So a fresh start begins now.
This court orders Mac to not do this again.
Do not borrow the car without permission again.
And strongly consider
whether it is worth just having
an occasional use beater
around so that you can make the grown-up decisions about how to spend your time with your car.
that you obviously crave.
I think you want to have a car and have the freedom that a car offers to be able to just get up and go whenever you feel like it.
But that's for you to decide.
I do not think the solution of selling Blythe's beloved Luna
so that you can both share a car
is the way to go at this point.
Only if and when Blythe decides that's the correct decision shall that decision be made.
And there's not a solution for this.
The solution instead is the court order that you not borrow the car without permission.
Take a note of the tank when you start using the car
and endeavor to fill it up to where it was when you're done using the car.
You can figure it out over time, you can do your old math word game or whatever, but you know, pay for your own gas.
And that is an order to Mac.
A suggestion to Blythe is that now that this court has yelled at him enough
and shamed him enough publicly,
that you reset your spite clock
and be open-minded and reasonable should Mac request to use the car with reasonable advance notice and with reasonable need.
This is the sound of a gavel.
Judge Sean Hodgman rules, that is all.
Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom.
Blythe, how do you feel?
I think that was good.
I can live with that.
Mac, what are you cooking for Blythe?
Something good, I hope.
She likes salmon.
So we're probably cooking her some salmon because you could tease her car sometimes now, right?
With her permission.
All right, fair enough.
Blythe, Mac, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.
Another thrilling case in the books before we dispense some swift justice.
Our thanks to Jake Forbes for naming this week's episode.
Thanks, Jake.
If you'd like to name a future episode like Judge John Hodgman on Facebook, we put out the call for names there.
You can also follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.
Hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets.
Hashtag JJ H O.
Yeah, we really do look at those.
And check out the Maximum Fund subreddit at maximumfund.redddit.com to discuss this episode.
This week's episode, recorded by Ian Pillsbury at Indigital Studios in Santa Cruz, California.
Our thanks to Ian.
Thanks, guys.
And our thanks, of course, to our wonderful producer, Ms.
Jennifer Marmer, former station director of KZSC, the heavyweight 88, 88.1 FM in Santa Cruz, California.
Here's a little bit of trivia for you, Jesse.
I'm recording this podcast in Jennifer Marmer's car right now.
I borrowed it without her permission.
John, I think the first time we met, I was interviewing you for my show on KZSC in Santa Cruz, California.
And I was in Jennifer Marmer's Marmer's car then, too.
Weird.
Yeah, that's weird.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Swift Justice this week.
Allison P.
asks, should DVDs be sorted by category or alphabetically?
I don't know why you would need to sort something that's in the garbage at all.
My goodness, the idea of having a DVD collection.
I'm sitting here, I'm not in Jennifer Marmer's car.
I'm sitting here in Brooklyn, New York, in my office where I have, I'm surrounded by beautiful physical media called books, and it's going to fall down and crush me.
These books are going to destroy me.
And collecting hard media is just something that feels incredibly old-fashioned at this point.
But Alison P.
If you have a collection of DVDs that you love, and that is your preferred method for watching a thing,
I would say do it the way we used to do it at Film Fest Video in New Haven, rest in peace.
break them into categories.
Drama, comedy, horror, sci-fi, documentary.
Staff picks.
Staff picks.
Good point, Jesse.
Thank you.
And then you do alphabetically within each category.
And my staff pick is going to be Miller's Crossing.
Jesse, what's your staff pick for this week for Alison P's DVD collection?
Wayne's World, of course.
Both movies, very perfectly contemporaneous.
Nice pick, Jesse.
Lisa Lee M.
and her husband disagree about eating pizza for dinner.
She says, my husband thinks we should have pizza for dinner once a week.
I think twice a month at most.
What say you, Judge Hodgman?
Oh,
Lisa Lee, your husband is a very big boy who should be allowed to pick dinner at least once a week.
And he loves pizza the best.
Sorry, I don't mean to infantilize your husband.
Pizza is often associated among parents as lazy child father to keep them happy.
But in fact, there's probably good pizza where you live.
I don't see why you shouldn't have pizza once a week if that's your husband's favorite food.
There's something, I think, wonderfully ritualistic about that.
And if you don't like the pizza, they probably will serve you
garlic knots.
for you
for a little variety.
It seems like if they're going to have pizza once a a week, it should be on pizza night, right?
Yeah.
What's pizza night feel like to you, Jesse?
Let's decide.
Thursday.
Thursday is pizza night.
I was thinking about ordering some pizza tonight because tonight's a Wednesday, which is our podcast recording day.
You know what?
Seven nights a week.
Pizza's great.
Yeah, you know what?
I agree.
Guess what, baby hubby?
You're getting the life of your dreams.
Either once a week or seven nights a week.
Your choice.
That's it for this week's episode.
Submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash JJ HO or email Hodgman at maximumfun.org.
That's maximumfund.org slash JJ HO.
No case too small.
We promise we love to get your cases.
Send it.
If you're on the fence, just send it in.
We'll decide.
Yeah, that's right.
Don't worry.
Leave it to us.
We'd love to hear from you.
If we've got a case, just send it in.
Send it in.
No case too small, no case too small.
We'll see you next time on the Judge John Odgman Podcast.
And actually, we won't see you, but we'll know you're there.
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