Live from SF Sketchfest 2016

Speaker 2 This week's Judge John Hodgman was recorded in front of a live audience at SF Sketchfest.

Speaker 7 Tonight, beyond a reasonable drought, Patricia files suit against her boyfriend Dave.

Speaker 12 Patricia says Dave is drought conscious and has put together a haphazard system to collect water for his plants.

Speaker 14 She admires his earth-friendly attitude, but says his weird water tubs are unhygienic and gross.

Speaker 1 Dave is proud of his homemade system.

Speaker 14 Who's gross, who's not?

Speaker 4 Only one man can decide. Please, rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

Speaker 16 You may be seated, you may not.

Speaker 16 It's basically a micro sandwich, a high-efficiency filter and heat exchange system. The skin contact layer is porous.
Perspiration passes through it, having cooled the body.

Speaker 16 The next two layers include heat exchange filaments and salt precipitators. Salt is reclaimed.
Urine and feces are processed in the thigh pads.

Speaker 16 Reclaimed water circulates to catch pockets from which you draw it through this tube right into your pie hole.

Speaker 16 Now,

Speaker 16 Bailiff Jesse Thorne, you may swear them in.

Speaker 9 Please raise your right hands.

Speaker 12 Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Speaker 11 So help you, God, or whatever.

Speaker 19 Please address the microphones.

Speaker 16 I do.

Speaker 20 I do.

Speaker 19 Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he considers fresh water to be the world's most valuable resource because his only religious text is the film Water World starring Kevin Costner?

Speaker 16 I do.

Speaker 11 I do too. Very well, Judge Hodgman?

Speaker 16 You may be seated.

Speaker 16 Interesting, I almost used a quote from Water World.

Speaker 16 You know what? But do you know what? There aren't that many of them.

Speaker 16 My dad and I went to see Water Waterworld in the theater you know what I remember thinking about Waterworld yes

Speaker 16 I've got I kind of like the movie Waterworld

Speaker 16 it's not it's not terrible you know what else is not terrible the postman but that's for another podcast John and Jesse's Water World and Postman

Speaker 16 Kevin Costner post-apocalyptic one-two punch podcast.

Speaker 16 But now, this is the judge John Hodgkin.

Speaker 23 First of all, every year at the the holidays, we talk about Tin Cup.

Speaker 18 That's true.

Speaker 16 It's weird that that was a post-apocalyptic movie. Not a lot of people realize that that took place

Speaker 16 after there had been a horrible nuclear war.

Speaker 16 And the only movie star left was Kevin Costner. So

Speaker 16 they had to make a movie with him. I love Kevin Costner, you guys.
I feel terrible about that. He might be here tonight.

Speaker 16 I invite him to every live performance.

Speaker 16 I don't ever do Boss Gags. That's right.
Now,

Speaker 16 just as a point of order, we only ever do live Judge John Hodgmans, with one exception that I will, that proves the rule.

Speaker 16 We only ever do them here in San Francisco at SF Sketch Fest, at Marines Memorial Theater,

Speaker 16 for you.

Speaker 16 And as you know,

Speaker 16 we only do them at 10 o'clock at night.

Speaker 16 The perfect time for a podcast whose audience consists entirely of 45 to 50 year old people

Speaker 16 and their and their incredibly eccentric 14 year old children

Speaker 16 so I am grateful to you all for staying up late we have a really great set of cases a lot of justice will be dispensed we have a brand new screen here at Marines Memorial Theater, which I'm not sure if you can smell it, but it is so new it is off-gassing some incredible fumes.

Speaker 16 I feel like I just took a face dive in a brand new slip slip and slide in 1971.

Speaker 21 I feel like Boz Skag78.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 16 So

Speaker 16 as this wafts out into the theater, we're all going to have a really good time.

Speaker 16 But now,

Speaker 16 for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors, Dave or Patricia, can you name

Speaker 16 the obscure cultural reference that I referenced as I stood here at the, whatever this is, as I entered the courtroom,

Speaker 16 Dave, you are the one who was brought here against your will by Patricia, so you have the choice to either guess or make Patricia guess first. Do you have a guess, Dave? I'll go ahead and guess.

Speaker 16 The only thing I could think of is it sounds like something that they sell at REI, the instruction manual for

Speaker 16 awesome.

Speaker 16 Well, I'm not going to say whether that's right or wrong, but

Speaker 16 it's an intriguing guess. Patricia, do you have a guess?

Speaker 24 I'll plead the fifth.

Speaker 16 No, you have to to guess.

Speaker 7 Wait, you're pleading the fifth?

Speaker 16 Yeah. That means it might incriminate her.
No, it is.

Speaker 16 Actually, if you did know this, it would kind of incriminate you in a way. Oh.

Speaker 24 I don't know, Kama Sutra.

Speaker 16 All guesses are wrong!

Speaker 16 Although that also was kind of on the money, too, in a way.

Speaker 16 Indeed, it is from the great Kama Sutra of science fiction literature, Frank Herbert's Dune.

Speaker 16 I am so relieved neither one of you got that because I would have been, if I had been in your shoes, I would have been screaming it from the third word.

Speaker 16 Because, of course, it is a description of the still suit, which is the personal bodily moisture reclamation garment that is worn by the Fremen on the desert planet of Dune, which has very little water and speaks to the future of California.

Speaker 21 What's amazing is how much more obscure my repeated references to Boz Skaggs are

Speaker 21 in this context.

Speaker 16 No one knows who Bozkegs is. Yeah.

Speaker 16 People know all about the Thrennin.

Speaker 16 Is that what they were called? No, Jesse.

Speaker 16 For someone who enjoyed Water World so much,

Speaker 16 I feel that your education is somewhat lacking when it comes to Desert World.

Speaker 16 the first world

Speaker 16 and the third world of that particular galaxy but anyway it doesn't matter

Speaker 16 uh dave you uh are engaged in your own water reclamation project in your own home here in the bay area where do you live uh oakland that would be the bay area is brooklyn the bay area is brooklyn oakland

Speaker 16 uh there is a drought happening throughout california including here i understand and what are you doing to reclaim water Well, I planted a garden a couple of years ago, and that just takes water.

Speaker 16 Exactly. How are you helping?

Speaker 16 Well,

Speaker 16 it turns out that

Speaker 16 I dug a ground-in pool.

Speaker 16 Ground-in. What about the pool?

Speaker 16 In ground-pool.

Speaker 16 Well, so I discovered that after I had planted this garden, I would need water to water it. Water that I had.
You created an extra need for water in your life. Exactly.

Speaker 16 That's exactly what I did.

Speaker 16 And so I realized that

Speaker 16 a way that I could get the water out to my garden was that there was water that when I turned a faucet on in my house and initially the water was cold,

Speaker 16 that was water that I was basically just wasting because it was of no use to me.

Speaker 16 So I started collecting it and then moving it outside to water my garden. And how would you collect it

Speaker 16 in a shadow, in a light box? Well, that's not what that's called.

Speaker 16 How are you collecting it?

Speaker 16 In

Speaker 16 plastic containers.

Speaker 16 In plastic containers. In plastic containers.
Like buckets?

Speaker 16 You could call them buckets. Sure.

Speaker 16 Once upon a time, they were. You could call them buckets.
It would

Speaker 16 be the right word.

Speaker 16 Why would that even be an option? I'm using them like buckets. What are they? They're

Speaker 16 64-ounce and 32-ounce containers that were originally bulk yogurt containers.

Speaker 16 You know that there's a specific recycling bin in Oakland that's only for bulk yogurt containers, right?

Speaker 16 Fan of all, I have no problem with yogurt, but I was spent many years trying to figure out how can you make it sound more disgusting.

Speaker 16 Right, bulk yogurt.

Speaker 16 Doing what I can. I'm glad you're here.

Speaker 16 So, okay, double ecological

Speaker 16 conscientious action. You are saving water that otherwise would have been wasted, and you are using a potential landfill that otherwise would have been just just thrown away.

Speaker 16 So what is your problem with this, Patricia?

Speaker 24 He doesn't only use the yogurt. He does have a big white plastic bucket he uses in the kitchen.

Speaker 16 We don't have to be bucket racist about this. Okay, okay, are you right?

Speaker 16 Don't know why you had to say that.

Speaker 16 It's a bucket that happens to be white.

Speaker 24 It has to do part of maybe with that he leaves the buckets there so long they start getting filmy.

Speaker 16 Wait, where does he leave them? In In the sink?

Speaker 24 In the sinks, in the shower, on the edge of the...

Speaker 16 You have buckets in your shower there, Dave?

Speaker 16 I do. I had a bucket in my shower.
You had a bucket in your shower?

Speaker 16 There's someone in the front row who just applauded your shower bucket. There you go.

Speaker 16 So let me just say,

Speaker 16 if

Speaker 16 this court case doesn't work out for you, Patricia, and you guys break up, Dave, you have someone

Speaker 16 a soulmate. You have a possibility there.

Speaker 16 Why are are you keeping a bucket in your shower?

Speaker 16 To collect more water? That's correct. Yeah, again, when you first turn the shower on, the water's cold.
Right. So that's water that ordinarily would go down the drain.

Speaker 16 So I had something in there to collect that for the same purpose. Patricia, why do you hate the earth so much? What's the problem?

Speaker 24 If you knew what it did to me, you'd understand. No.

Speaker 24 The first time he tries to throw a bucket in the shower, the first time I took a shower at his place, he grabs the bucket that the dirty dishes have been sitting in

Speaker 24 and

Speaker 24 probably watered the plants with it, but he throws it in there and there's like

Speaker 16 black bingo and olive oil and red and kombucha, yes.

Speaker 18 Kombucha.

Speaker 16 Look at it.

Speaker 24 And as it fills up, move into Oakland.

Speaker 16 It's going to splash on me. Wheat germ, bulk yogurt residue.

Speaker 16 And

Speaker 24 as that fills up, it's going to splash on me, which is counterintuitive to the cleansing process.

Speaker 16 All right, so this is not in your home. This is in Dave's home.

Speaker 24 That's in Dave's home, yes.

Speaker 16 And you are and you but you go and spend the night there sometimes because you're grown-ups and you have your own business. Yes.
Hi, I understand.

Speaker 24 So that was, no, I made him take, no, get it out.

Speaker 16 Right. This is a dramatic reenactment.

Speaker 16 It's either a dramatic reenactment or a flashback that she's having. It was so traumatic.

Speaker 16 And I don't blame you to feel a little bit traumatized by having to shower in a shower that has a bucket of food residue in it. Dave.
Yeah.

Speaker 16 How long has it been since you've had a girlfriend sleepover?

Speaker 16 How long have you guys been together?

Speaker 24 Oh, you're going to tease me.

Speaker 16 Five, five. I'm going to tease you no matter what.

Speaker 16 So you might as well answer the question.

Speaker 24 Five years, but you didn't start the water thing until about two and a half years ago.

Speaker 16 No, see, I'm not going to tease you because that makes perfect sense. Because that's exactly the time frame in which a guy

Speaker 16 has decided after about two and a half years, I no longer need to hide what an incredible monster I am in order to get any coming over.

Speaker 24 Ashley, yet a year and a half is when the farting started.

Speaker 24 For some reason, you know what?

Speaker 16 For some reason, before that,

Speaker 16 you want me to be mad at Dave, but a year and a half to hold off on farting? That's a long time in a relationship.

Speaker 26 Can I ask you guys a question?

Speaker 16 Do you think it's possible that the farting might have some relationship to the the 64-ounce yogurt?

Speaker 16 Bulk, bulk yogurt, I think, may be

Speaker 16 the culprit there.

Speaker 16 No, you don't.

Speaker 16 Look, I'm not going to.

Speaker 16 You guys are grown-ups like me. You're not kids, but in today's hookup culture, you know, farting is usually on the first hookup.

Speaker 24 For a year and a half, he didn't do it in front of me, and then all of a sudden, it was all hands on deck.

Speaker 11 And so, why?

Speaker 16 I don't understand.

Speaker 16 What is all hands on deck farting?

Speaker 24 Well, I just mean it was just like it was open season.

Speaker 16 It's basically like, everyone,

Speaker 16 all hands on deck. I'm about to fart.
Everyone in the house.

Speaker 16 It's just a klaxon. Come immediately.

Speaker 16 Yeah. Klaxon, clax on.
Come immediately to my wheat germ pantry.

Speaker 16 I'm about to fart in the garden.

Speaker 24 I'm a little nervous. I meddled my words.

Speaker 16 No, you're fantastic, but do you fart a lot, Dave?

Speaker 16 Remember, sir, you are under oath.

Speaker 16 How would you define a lot?

Speaker 16 Like

Speaker 16 trying to think of farting by San Francisco standards or Oakland standards.

Speaker 16 I can tell you I haven't yet tonight.

Speaker 16 Well,

Speaker 16 you've done me better, sir, because I'm

Speaker 16 for creating a sense of anticipation.

Speaker 16 Dave

Speaker 22 it's 1030 p.m.

Speaker 17 Do you know where your toots are?

Speaker 16 So

Speaker 16 do you still put the shower bucket in?

Speaker 16 No, you know what? I'll let Patricia answer this.

Speaker 24 I got him a fresher one that would be easier to clean.

Speaker 16 You got him a fresher bucket?

Speaker 16 Tell them what it is.

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah. Tell them what it is.
Tell them what it is.

Speaker 16 Oh, my God. This is going to turn the tide for me.
Tell them. Tell them.

Speaker 16 Oh, my boy. When you hear what kind of crazy bucket she got me.

Speaker 24 It's a six-inch half-hotel pan.

Speaker 16 So nice indeed. A six-inch what?

Speaker 24 Half-hotel pan.

Speaker 16 Half-hotel pan. Yeah, chafing dish.
Oh, okay. Like

Speaker 16 a chafing dish, is that what you said? Right. Yeah.

Speaker 24 I thought it'd be easier to sanitize.

Speaker 16 In the hotel business, we actually call that a fart bucket.

Speaker 16 And why did you think that that was an important detail, Dave, for me to hear? Well, I think.

Speaker 16 I mean, at the end of the day, you have a bucket in your shower.

Speaker 16 Like, is there really one that's worse than the other? Is there really one that could possibly be worse than your recovered dishwashing tub?

Speaker 10 And if I could just interject a sub-question here, is there anything wrong with with using a bucket as a bucket?

Speaker 16 You know, I hadn't thought about that.

Speaker 16 I think

Speaker 16 the point I was trying to make was that

Speaker 16 rather than just say this is the craziest thing I've had and it's gross, she actually gave me something. She actually presented me with something to use.
Sure.

Speaker 16 Well, I mean, she wants this relationship to work.

Speaker 16 And she's at that point, you know, you're you're at that point where you've begun farting and displaying your weird hobbies

Speaker 16 and she's at that point where she's like I want this relationship to work I have to start enabling this weirdo

Speaker 16 in order in order to make him think that his insanity is okay

Speaker 16 or else where else where else will this relationship go it'll have to end I just yeah I want it to be healthier because at some point if we move in together well you have you actually had a germa

Speaker 16 I'm not gonna say germaphobic but

Speaker 24 I.

Speaker 16 You were concerned that there was a bacterial breeding pool in the shower.

Speaker 24 There is. So there's, well, besides a shower, there's also a bucket that lives in the kitchen, in the bathroom sink.
I mean, it's not a bucket, it's a plastic.

Speaker 16 No, there's no buckets in this one. There's no buckets.
No, you're right.

Speaker 16 It's a flower bowl that's also plastic.

Speaker 24 And he always pulls the stopper, which you think isn't a problem, but the water flows over and then he leaves it in there and then different things collect.

Speaker 24 The sink starts turning gray, and it's just the bowl is dirty, the sink gets dirty, and then I'm supposed to wash my face over that.

Speaker 19 Judge Hodgman, when you're dealing with this volume of yogurt, you're going to have a lively biome.

Speaker 16 Is there any basin in your home that does not have an extra water collection unit?

Speaker 16 No.

Speaker 16 What do you grow in your garden?

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 19 sub-question: I presume it's the type of garden I presume it is.

Speaker 9 Why don't you just use your bong water?

Speaker 16 You're right, kids. I don't know what it means either.

Speaker 16 But I'll allow it.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry, which question am I answering?

Speaker 6 Is your garden, I guess I'm asking, is your garden hydroponic?

Speaker 16 What do you

Speaker 3 bubonic?

Speaker 16 Well,

Speaker 16 possibly so.

Speaker 16 I grow In the summer, I grow tomatoes, peppers.

Speaker 16 I actually at one, I think the first year I grew a cantaloupe.

Speaker 16 A single cantaloupe?

Speaker 16 I think I got one single cantaloupe.

Speaker 16 And then currently I've got onions, beets, carrots,

Speaker 16 winter crops for California. And Patricia,

Speaker 16 do you enjoy the bounty of this garden?

Speaker 16 How do you enjoy eating a cantaloupe that's been raised with bulk yogurt, trash, water?

Speaker 24 I didn't get that, but the the tomatoes were darn tasty.

Speaker 16 The tomatoes were darn tasty. So,

Speaker 16 what would you like me to order Dave to do?

Speaker 24 I'd like him to wash, well, get some more proper things that are easy to clean.

Speaker 16 You're deep enough into this that you're willing to accept this behavior in theory. And you want practice to be more wash it more often, and

Speaker 16 that's wasting water.

Speaker 24 That is a conundrum.

Speaker 16 Yeah, I don't know. Are you using the water for anything else other than watering your garden, Dave?

Speaker 16 Well, actually, I do

Speaker 16 use the water to

Speaker 16 rinse dishes off before I put them in the dishwasher.

Speaker 16 I don't think that's a good idea. But then they go.
I know why that's an ooh, why it's going into the dishwasher.

Speaker 16 Why are you even using it? But why are you using a dishwasher?

Speaker 16 To washwash. Do you understand how much electricity that uses?

Speaker 16 Well, I'm not worried about, we don't have an electricity drought.

Speaker 16 Enron Days.

Speaker 16 Get ready for Water World, man.

Speaker 16 Get ready for the dystopia of Tin Cup World coming up soon.

Speaker 24 Can I also add with that too?

Speaker 16 Well, this is your chance to say what you want. So tell me everything you want.

Speaker 24 So yes, prettier bowls, clean bowls, keep that damn stopper down so stuff goes down and the sink doesn't get slimy and gray.

Speaker 24 A new toilet would be great because

Speaker 16 what did he do to his toilet with his

Speaker 24 letting the yellow mellow for too long has stained it.

Speaker 16 You're talking about the old principle of if it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.
Yeah. How long do you let it mellow?

Speaker 24 Well, I'll admit, part of it, he used to have a roommate that also had two little boys, and all the boys let it mellow.

Speaker 16 There was a lot of yellow. There was a lot of yellow, yeah.

Speaker 24 So now the toilet is ooky.

Speaker 16 Have you tried cleaning it? Yes, he's tried cleaning it.

Speaker 24 He also has, he has hired a house cleaner to clean. And one day I was there, and I helped her bail the toilet so you get the water out, so you can get the cleanser right on the gook.

Speaker 24 And it just, it got a little bit off, but it's just still ookie.

Speaker 16 So there needs to be a new toilet stained beyond belief because

Speaker 16 of the of the all the men who've just let it mellow yeah not just me never never produced a brown to flush it down

Speaker 16 yes i guess or was that going into the garden as well

Speaker 16 all right i think i've heard everything i need to to make my decision

Speaker 16 I am going to now go into my chambers to bathe in my own recovered sweat and urine.

Speaker 16 and I will be back in a moment to make my decision.

Speaker 17 Ladies and gentlemen, please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Speaker 18 May be seated.

Speaker 10 Dave,

Speaker 5 Does anyone else come to your house?

Speaker 16 As a matter of fact, yes. Who?

Speaker 16 Actually, my parents visited last weekend.

Speaker 18 What did they make of this?

Speaker 16 They didn't make anything of it because I removed all evidence of it.

Speaker 16 So you know you're...

Speaker 24 Can I also add his dad has one glass eye too, so

Speaker 24 it affects his vision.

Speaker 16 It affects his depth perception, not.

Speaker 16 I don't think it has anything to do with. So if you throw a bucket at him, he's less likely to be able to catch it.

Speaker 24 I'm just saying.

Speaker 29 By the way, Dave, that was a really cool impression of your dad trying to catch a bucket.

Speaker 12 Patricia, are you thinking about moving into this home?

Speaker 24 Possibly, yes.

Speaker 12 Look, I'm not trying to push you guys along.

Speaker 23 But you might be getting to that point in your life.

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 24 We could could take some more bitch and trips if we actually combined resources.

Speaker 10 That is a really good point.

Speaker 16 I wonder if the judge has even considered the bitch and trips issue.

Speaker 22 Patricia,

Speaker 9 do you feel like this is a home that you could invite people to?

Speaker 16 Like, let's say Sally from work.

Speaker 24 Overall, yeah. It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful, it's a small little 1922 craftsman house of wood floors and, you know, needs some girly touches, but it's

Speaker 16 like to get rid of the slimy gray stuff and get rid of the garbage buckets.

Speaker 24 And that would, you know, make it even more presentable.

Speaker 29 Patricia, do you think you're going to prevail in this case?

Speaker 24 I did my research, I did my studying, you know, Legionella,

Speaker 24 slime, funguses, all that kind of things that develop in standing water.

Speaker 24 Even looking up like, you know, conservation actually can screw up your pipes and create odors. It's creating odors in cities, so.

Speaker 18 Yeah, that's why it's important not to conserve.

Speaker 24 It's important to find the balance, is what I like to say. So I'm not taking as water conservation away.
I would just like to

Speaker 24 clean it up, sanitize it a little bit.

Speaker 28 Dave, why is your peace so yellow?

Speaker 13 Because you're taking a multivitamin?

Speaker 30 I started, the reason I mentioned is I started taking a multivitamin.

Speaker 5 The transformation is astonishing. What was I not eating before?

Speaker 16 I'm actually the one of us not taking multivitamins.

Speaker 20 No, you take your hemp powder.

Speaker 16 Oh.

Speaker 16 I don't think that's making it, I don't think that would make it yellow, though.

Speaker 16 I mean, even more yellow than that.

Speaker 26 Dave, you think you're going to win this thing?

Speaker 16 I don't think I have a chance in hell.

Speaker 16 You really sealed the deal with that hemp powder thing there.

Speaker 16 Holy moly.

Speaker 16 You can see why I love her. You just never know where the conversation's going to go.

Speaker 18 The next case they bring is Dave arguing that carob tastes just like chocolate.

Speaker 8 Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say.

Speaker 17 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

Speaker 16 You may be seated.

Speaker 16 I had a very clear sense of where my ruling was going to fall on this one,

Speaker 16 and there was almost no argument I could hear that would change my mind until I learned that Dave's father has a glass eye.

Speaker 16 It was just that sort of non-sequitur ad hominem attack

Speaker 16 that made me appreciate the hostility of a particular witness in this case.

Speaker 16 Dave, I admire what you're doing. I admire the intent of what you are doing.

Speaker 16 You have created a need for extra water in a state with a precipitous drought. Ooh, that's an oxymoron.

Speaker 16 And

Speaker 16 perhaps out of guilt, or perhaps out of a lot of extra time, you have come up with some plans to alleviate the need that you created.

Speaker 16 I could order you to stop gardening and

Speaker 16 no longer have the need for all the extra water, but even so, collecting that water and reusing it is a noble thing to do. It is not noble to, and the same woman in the front row just applauded again.

Speaker 13 Let the record show that she also applauded when I said the word carob.

Speaker 16 That said, there is a difference between being responsible and being gross.

Speaker 16 And

Speaker 16 one has an equal responsibility to the larger community as to the community of two that you share. You should be thoughtful to the larger community, but not gross to your partner.
When you start to

Speaker 16 live, cohabitate part-time together, you are sharing more of yourself, intimacy, farting proximity.

Speaker 16 And it's important to take care that

Speaker 16 your other person see the very best side of you, not the very worst side of you that puts an old junk bucket of pinto beans in the shower

Speaker 16 in order to throw it all over the garden later.

Speaker 16 Or, for that matter, keep a bunch of standing water in your bathroom sink all the live-long day because no one wants Legionnaires' disease.

Speaker 16 There might be someone who does, but no one here does, I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 16 I, in no way, am going to order you to stop your habits of collecting water, but I am going to

Speaker 16 find in favor of Patricia that you should do so more responsibly.

Speaker 16 You should have a basin in your sink that you rinse out with hot water once you've gotten it hot and make sure that it's really rinsed out well and dried. No standing water in your house.

Speaker 16 And in the shower,

Speaker 16 use a watering can, dumb-dum.

Speaker 16 Like, just put a watering can in there, and then lift it out and take your shower, and then water your garden. Tend to your garden.
That's what Candide said. But why are you using tubs of bulk yogurt?

Speaker 16 Stop being gross

Speaker 16 and leave that thing in there when your glass-eyed dad comes around.

Speaker 16 See what old Pappy Popeye has to say about that.

Speaker 16 Own up to your weirdness. That is one order of this court.
And the other order of this court is get a watering can. This is the sound of a gavel.

Speaker 16 Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

Speaker 29 Dave and Patricia, thank you so much.

Speaker 2 We'll be back in just a minute with more of our show recorded live at SF Sketchfast.

Speaker 36 You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.
Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Speaker 36 Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Speaker 39 You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother me for 15 years, and

Speaker 39 maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

Speaker 41 But no, no, you would be wrong. We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Speaker 39 Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

Speaker 9 The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

Speaker 39 We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

Speaker 16 And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

Speaker 39 So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcast.

Speaker 42 All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show. Let's learn everything.
So let's do a quick progress check. Have we learned about quantum physics?

Speaker 36 Yes, episode 59.

Speaker 42 We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we? Yes, we have. Same episode, actually.
Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Speaker 16 Episode 64.

Speaker 42 So how close are we to learning everything?

Speaker 42 Bad news. We we still haven't learned everything yet.

Speaker 16 Oh, we're ruined!

Speaker 35 No, no, no, it's good news as well.

Speaker 16 There is still a lot to learn. Woo!

Speaker 42 I'm Dr. Ella Hubber.

Speaker 36 I'm regular Tom Long.

Speaker 42 I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

Speaker 42 And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Speaker 36 Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 16 Bailiff Jesse, last year at Sketchfest, we tried a new experiment in justice, a thing called justice in 30 minutes or less.

Speaker 16 We basically did a speed round, essentially, where I ruled on a whole bunch of disputes before a timer went off. We set a 30-minute timer.
But

Speaker 19 I'll explain it in terms that San Francisco audience can understand.

Speaker 9 Sure.

Speaker 10 We disrupted the justice industry.

Speaker 16 And since we got $45 million of seed money as a result,

Speaker 16 we just completed our Series B that we have already spent.

Speaker 16 We've decided to do it again. So, angel investors, listen up.
Justice delayed is justice denied. 30 minutes is too long.

Speaker 16 So, we're going to do 20 minutes of swift justice here on stage this very moment. How's it going to work, Jesse?

Speaker 7 I think there are some folks out there who've brought disputes to this courtroom.

Speaker 12 If you have a dispute, please line up in that aisle over there, right over there, as I'm indicating emphatically line up and we will see how many disputes we can take care of in the course of just 20 minutes no dispute too big or too small well there could be some that are too big for for 20 minutes we'll judge them all

Speaker 16 all right do we have our first

Speaker 16 Or do we have our first pair of litigants ready? Yeah. All right, I'm starting the timer.
20 minutes of swift justice begins now.

Speaker 16 State your name.

Speaker 31 My name is Sarah. Sarah.
And I'm bringing this case against Joe.

Speaker 16 Joe, what is the case?

Speaker 31 Your Honor, I have just begun a three-week New Year's cleanse with a group of friends. We have eliminated.
A friends cleanse?

Speaker 16 A friends cleanse.

Speaker 16 We have eliminated.

Speaker 9 I mean, actually, I'm in the middle of a 20-year friends cleanse.

Speaker 3 It's where I don't watch friends. Yeah.
Just watch Seinfeld.

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 16 I cleansed all of my friends when I turned 40. Bye-bye, dudes.

Speaker 16 I'm staying home to watch television alone for the rest of my life.

Speaker 16 All right, go on with your cleanse.

Speaker 16 What's your cleanse involved?

Speaker 31 We have eliminated gluten, soy, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, and refined sugar.

Speaker 16 So,

Speaker 16 bulk yogurt?

Speaker 27 No dairy. No dairy, right?

Speaker 16 I guess even bulk?

Speaker 31 Bulk quinoa?

Speaker 9 So just carob.

Speaker 22 This is the nothing but carob cleanse.

Speaker 31 Raw cacao?

Speaker 16 Yeah. What do you eat?

Speaker 31 I eat quinoa, chicken, vegetables, except for nightshade vegetables.

Speaker 16 For what, what?

Speaker 16 Except for what?

Speaker 16 No too. No, it grows in it.
Oh, no fruit of the deadly nightshade. Alright, I understand.

Speaker 16 True, that's poison.

Speaker 16 That's Italian ethnic poison food.

Speaker 16 Yes. I understand.
All right, good.

Speaker 31 This book is, this cleanse is based on a book written by a doctor. Okay.

Speaker 16 And it's supposed to.

Speaker 16 Let it show for the record

Speaker 16 that Joe pulled out a pair of the most derisive air quotes I've ever seen with regard to a doctor. We'll get to you in a moment, Joe.

Speaker 31 This cleanse is meant to eliminate toxins and reduce inflammation from the body, and I do it every January to make up for my year of eating pizza.

Speaker 16 And how do you evaluate how many toxins you've eliminated?

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 16 Joe, what's your problem with the fact that Sarah wants to to better her life by only eating quinoa?

Speaker 43 Your Honor, I don't have any problem with the diet itself. My problem is with the cult-like devotion with which the adherents of the diet like to talk about the diet.

Speaker 16 How does the.

Speaker 16 Well, you have the crowd.

Speaker 16 You have the mob.

Speaker 16 Everything to lose. How does the code-like devotion express itself? Do they wear jumpsuits? Do they...

Speaker 43 If only.

Speaker 16 They wear red hats made of quinoa.

Speaker 18 Yes.

Speaker 16 Well,

Speaker 43 I would like to comment that I am a professional scientist and doctor.

Speaker 16 Yeah, no!

Speaker 25 And doctor, and.

Speaker 16 So is she.

Speaker 43 And I am a resident expert on inflammation.

Speaker 16 Is that your area of expertise?

Speaker 43 It is my area of expertise.

Speaker 26 You're an inflammation doc?

Speaker 43 I have a PhD in immunology, and I direct an inflammation research group at a local biotechnology company.

Speaker 21 When you say an inflammation research group,

Speaker 22 do you just mean a weekly pizza party?

Speaker 13 Pizza and garbage.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 43 the adherents of this diet

Speaker 43 often will have a

Speaker 43 banquet to celebrate the end of the cleanse in which they proclaim the benefits of the cleanse and the pseudoscience behind it.

Speaker 43 And I feel obligated as a scientist to weigh in on the scientific merit of the claims made by

Speaker 16 do you feel obligated to weigh in as a scientist or just as a white dude?

Speaker 16 As a pedant. Ah!

Speaker 16 Sarah, what does the banks say? Tomato tomato, they're all deadly night shade.

Speaker 16 Sarah,

Speaker 16 what does the banquet consist of? The celebratory banquet? Is it just bulk yogurt and bacon?

Speaker 14 Stinging nettles.

Speaker 33 A lot of kale.

Speaker 16 Oh, so it's still a cleanse banquet?

Speaker 31 The celebration banquet at the end of the cleanse is a potluck, but it's not cleanse dinner. We go back to eating pizza and garbage, and our spouses are invited.

Speaker 31 And I'm asking you for an injunction against Joe lecturing my friends and myself on pseudoscience.

Speaker 16 But he's an inflammation doc.

Speaker 43 That is true.

Speaker 16 And look, I'm not an inflammation doc. But if you want to win this case, Joe, you have to turn to Sarah right now, your beloved, and say, baby, you're still pretty inflamed.

Speaker 23 No problem.

Speaker 43 Baby, you're still pretty inflamed.

Speaker 16 I find in favor of Joe.

Speaker 28 Next case, please.

Speaker 26 Come on out, next case.

Speaker 35 Let's do this.

Speaker 16 This is Kristen and Brett. Is that correct? That's correct.
All right, Kristen and Brett. Kristen, you bring this case

Speaker 16 to this court. Brett is doing something wrong in your mind.
What is Brett doing wrong?

Speaker 13 Address that microphone directly, please.

Speaker 44 My husband, Brett, respects no boundaries when it comes to his family members' food and beverage items. I will often wake in the middle of the night, reach for my night water, and find it missing.

Speaker 44 Brett has helped himself and left me...

Speaker 16 Night water.

Speaker 44 Sexy has left me high and dry.

Speaker 4 That, by the way, is Bozgag's signature cologne.

Speaker 16 Night water.

Speaker 16 Okay, he drinks your night water, and then what else?

Speaker 44 He will also eat my children's leftover burritos on a regular basis, causing much distress the next day when they were expecting a special, delicious lunch.

Speaker 19 They were just trying to marinate the stump.

Speaker 30 I know about that.

Speaker 23 I'm from the Bay.

Speaker 22 You can't eat the whole burrito in one sitting. You've got to marinate the stump and eat the rest later.

Speaker 16 Thank you, Jesse.

Speaker 16 Marinate the stump?

Speaker 12 Yeah, my boy Petey Frauenfelder came up with that shit.

Speaker 16 You're talking about the burrito stump?

Speaker 21 That's some deep mission wisdom right there.

Speaker 16 It's got to sit.

Speaker 18 You've got to marinate that stump. Yeah.

Speaker 16 He knows. All right.
Ask Carlos Santana, he knows.

Speaker 16 I think I understand. Brett, let me ask you a question.
Why is it okay to steal from your children and eat their marinated stumps?

Speaker 32 This is the one area in our household where suddenly somebody's carved out something that they believe is their own. Everything else is shared in the house.
And suddenly, I make dinner for everybody.

Speaker 32 Everybody sits on a couch, which is shared. Everybody enjoys a home, which is shared.
Suddenly.

Speaker 14 Everybody swaps clothes back and forth.

Speaker 16 If they fit. We all switch beds all the time.

Speaker 16 My wife and I, just to be fair, we switch the side of the bed we sleep on every night.

Speaker 32 I would just like...

Speaker 16 Clothes.

Speaker 32 I would like a culture in the household where the kids' immediate reaction to a lot of things, you know, toys included, whatever it might be, isn't mate,

Speaker 32 that kind of thing. And so this is one thing.
You want to

Speaker 25 make sure to reinforce that.

Speaker 32 No, I don't. Because I think that when we say, well, this is a bit, this is your specific burrito.

Speaker 11 So

Speaker 16 how dare you eat the burrito? I'm proud of it.

Speaker 16 How dare you eat the burrito, Brett? They took bites off. That's encouraging.

Speaker 16 How old are your children? 8 and 11. Yeah, and you want to explain to them that they live in a socialist socialist burrito paradise.

Speaker 16 Are you now or have you ever been a member of the San Francisco Communist Party?

Speaker 32 The house is one special place that I think is one place where we can share things.

Speaker 16 It's a haven for Bolsheviks. But don't I follow?

Speaker 16 Yeah,

Speaker 16 the only place it works, maybe.

Speaker 16 Did you want to make a slippery slope argument?

Speaker 16 Definitely not. No, okay, good.
Because I could have made a burrito joke then. But that's fine.

Speaker 16 And what would you want then, Kristen? You want him to stop eating leftovers?

Speaker 44 Yes, I would like you to order him to leave my children's burritos alone.

Speaker 16 And to stop drinking your night water. Stop drinking my night water.
Anything else?

Speaker 44 That's it.

Speaker 20 No more night water, no more leftovers.

Speaker 16 Look, I understand, Brett, your impulse, because it is every dad's desire and usually prerogative. to eat the food that has been abandoned by children.

Speaker 16 Because it's a scientific scientific

Speaker 16 fact

Speaker 16 that food that has been abandoned by children has no calories.

Speaker 16 Magically somehow. But

Speaker 16 that actually is in fact pseudoscience. It should not be used to cover up

Speaker 16 your greed any more

Speaker 16 than

Speaker 16 your weird leftist Billy Bragg song that you sung about

Speaker 16 every burrito is a common treasury.

Speaker 16 You should stop eating your children's burritos because those stumps need to marinate. There's a reason why you're doing that.

Speaker 16 Even before I heard marinate the stump, I'm like, yeah, those burritos taste better the next day. And you're taking advantage of your children's patience.

Speaker 16 You didn't even put in the work of eating the first unmarinated trash half of the burrito

Speaker 16 and you're reaping all the benefit. Now look, I understand.

Speaker 16 you contribute,

Speaker 16 you cook all the food, it sounds like, and you obviously, you know, you probably built the careers and whatever. The point is,

Speaker 16 your kids aren't contributing anything.

Speaker 16 And it is okay for you to steal from them.

Speaker 16 And if you had said, they didn't buy these burritos, I eat them, then I might be on your side. But you're covering it up with all this bogus ideology.
I can't find in your favor on that.

Speaker 16 And in terms of drinking night water,

Speaker 16 that is among the most heinous husbandly crimes.

Speaker 16 I mean, dude, pour yourself a glass of water before you go to bed. She did the work.

Speaker 16 When you wake up in the middle of the night and you need that glass of water, you need the glass of water immediately. You're suddenly on the desert planet of Arrakis.

Speaker 14 Not just Dune. Thank you.

Speaker 16 You would have gotten it.

Speaker 16 I know, I was looking, I was like, oh my God, wait a minute. Is that the guy who's going to get the Dune reference? Yeah, he is.
But luckily, wrong case. So in any case,

Speaker 16 don't eat those burritos. And Kristen, bring two glasses of water to bed.
One for him to drink and the other one for you to throw in his face when he does it.

Speaker 16 Time for justice is running out.

Speaker 16 Who's next on my Thunderdome?

Speaker 16 What is your name, young woman?

Speaker 27 My name's Deborah, and I'm bringing a case against my boyfriend Martin.

Speaker 16 Martin, how are you? I'm well, how are you? What is the case?

Speaker 27 The case is: I would like you to.

Speaker 16 What part of Oakland are you from, Martin?

Speaker 27 I'd like you to ask Martin to refrain from incessantly talking about how much better his home country of Australia is than the U.S.

Speaker 16 Martin.

Speaker 16 You are Australian? I am Australian.

Speaker 16 All right.

Speaker 16 I've never known an Australian person to be vocal at an inappropriate time.

Speaker 16 Seriously, though, folks, how about a hand for Yahoo Sirius joining us tonight?

Speaker 21 Yahoo Sirius is here tonight, folks.

Speaker 16 Where in Australia are you from? A couple of hours south of Brisbane. A couple of hours south of Brisbane.
Near Byron Bay on the coast. Okay, and you like it better than San Francisco? Yes,

Speaker 16 and the United States. Yes.
And

Speaker 16 go home.

Speaker 16 Problem solved.

Speaker 16 What horrible curse is keeping you here? Oh, well, Deborah's keeping me here.

Speaker 16 Bye, Joe.

Speaker 16 How did you guys meet?

Speaker 16 In grad school. Where did you go to grad school?

Speaker 20 At the University of Arizona in Tucson, Arizona.

Speaker 16 Oh, you went to the University of Arizona in Tucson, Arizona. Yep.
Do you ever go to the Rialto Theater in Tucson, Arizona? Yeah, that's a great theater. Me too.
Okay, that was fun. Anyway,

Speaker 16 what did you study there?

Speaker 27 I studied biology and Martin studied math.

Speaker 16 Maths, do you say, in Australia? Yes, maths.

Speaker 16 Another reason your country is so great.

Speaker 16 And so

Speaker 16 you guys are not married. No.
Right. And so what brought you to the San Francisco Bay Area?

Speaker 16 My work to start with, and then Deborah got a a job here as well. Oh, okay.
So you are stuck here because of maths and Deborah.

Speaker 18 You said your degree is in math?

Speaker 16 Yes. So you're a toll collector or?

Speaker 16 I'm a data scientist.

Speaker 16 Very nice. So based on the data that you've collected,

Speaker 16 what is better in Australia than here? I have a list of, I think, seven points. Okay.

Speaker 16 Well, I think you're going to find a very welcoming crowd here. So let's see what you've got.

Speaker 16 Okay, the beaches are better. The toilets are better.
Wait, did you say the bes are better?

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 22 you know the bay got the best bes?

Speaker 16 Football is better. The voting system is better.

Speaker 16 Okay. I mean, it's really weird that I want to fight with you about sports.

Speaker 16 But it is a different sport.

Speaker 16 Yeah, so

Speaker 16 Australian rules football, rugby league, rugby union, soccer, even, all of the. All of the different things that are called football over there.

Speaker 16 There's like five different footballs in Australia, and they're all better than the NFL. And they're all better

Speaker 16 than the NFL. Yeah, the NFL.

Speaker 27 The crazy part about this particular complaint is that Martin's specific problem with American football is that it stops too much, which is insane because his favorite sport is cricket, which like stops for

Speaker 16 which never starts.

Speaker 27 So I don't understand why he's honing in on that difference.

Speaker 16 Okay, football stops too much. How many do you get there? I'm not, I don't have a degree in maths, so I wasn't counting.

Speaker 16 Okay, um, the voting system is better in Australia. What's better? They have preferential voting, which allows third parties to grow up.
Okay. Yeah, I accept that.

Speaker 16 That's true. The physical money is better, better sizes and colours.

Speaker 6 We get it. You listen to 99% invisible.

Speaker 16 Radio joke.

Speaker 16 Right, because the money there is made of plastic. You can go surfing with it.
Let's turn it all on.

Speaker 16 There's more countries of origins for TV shows, which leads to a higher quality on average.

Speaker 16 I would have to see your data analysis on that. I'd like to see your scatter graph on that.

Speaker 16 And my final one is that McDonald's is better in Australia.

Speaker 16 Given that that entire corporation is based on uniform grossness

Speaker 16 How is it better, how is McDonald's better than in the United States? It's just cleaner and got happier people, better food. It's just overall better.

Speaker 16 I saw an article a few years ago when Oprah visited Australia where she commented on this and I thought, oh yeah, I agree with Oprah.

Speaker 35 Can I ask you a question?

Speaker 10 How's the Oprah in Australia?

Speaker 16 Stone cold.

Speaker 26 Jesse wins again.

Speaker 16 Well, of course you're entitled to your opinions, but Deborah, you want me to institute a gag order?

Speaker 27 Well, I accept when I hear a particular comment one time, but I feel that I've heard kind of repeated instances of the same complaints against our beaches, et cetera, all these things on the list.

Speaker 27 So I think one time is enough, and then...

Speaker 16 Once it's registered, the data point has been established. Exactly.

Speaker 19 And Judge, I can offer you this again, just from my perspective as a native of San Francisco.

Speaker 16 I think people who are from San Francisco are well known for traveling to other places and being completely magnanimous about those places' merits relative to San Francisco.

Speaker 16 Well,

Speaker 16 generally speaking, I would never rule to restrain someone's freedom of opinion and freedom of expression.

Speaker 16 And obviously, Martin, you miss your homeland, and

Speaker 16 you feel very sad that you can never go back

Speaker 16 as much as we may encourage you to.

Speaker 16 You're stuck here with a woman that you love and a job in maths that you

Speaker 16 statistically

Speaker 16 appreciate.

Speaker 16 That said, you've got to stop eating a McDonald's, dude.

Speaker 16 The fact that you're comparing McDonald's means you have no taste, and therefore, I find Endeavor's favorite.

Speaker 16 Which is to say, Martin,

Speaker 16 you may continue to have your opinions and express them, but just take it easy, dude. You understand?

Speaker 16 All right, good.

Speaker 16 He gave me a traditional Australian hand signal that indicated yes.

Speaker 16 Clacks on, clacks on, clacks on.

Speaker 16 The timer is done. That is it.
20 minutes of tests. There are just a couple of verdicts.
For those who didn't get up here in time, you know who you are. Yes, you need to brush your teeth twice a day.

Speaker 16 You're a grown-up. Yes, grilled cheese can have meat in it and still be a grilled cheese with, say, bacon or grilled cheese and tomato.
It doesn't become a different sandwich unless it's a tuna melt.

Speaker 16 You should keep your rent control department in San Francisco and not move to Sausalito. Come on.

Speaker 16 And yes, obviously, hobos have to ride trains. If they're not riding trains, they're bums.

Speaker 16 Thus concludes Swift Justice.

Speaker 16 What a thrill that was, Judge Hodgman.

Speaker 10 I particularly enjoyed the part where the bailiff brought up Oprah.

Speaker 5 It seems like you might, this might be a good time for you to take a rest.

Speaker 16 Do you feel like you need to take a rest? I do.

Speaker 16 I need to take a nap.

Speaker 29 Well, I've got good news.

Speaker 10 We've got a musical guest here.

Speaker 16 Yes, that's right. We're going to introduce a friend of this court, a musician who has a new album due out on March 4th called what, Jesse?

Speaker 7 A Man Alive.

Speaker 16 A Man Alive.

Speaker 22 She's going to be playing right here at the Fillmore in San Francisco.

Speaker 7 Maybe you've heard of it on April 30th.

Speaker 16 I'm deferring back to you. I thought that was an applause line for April 30th.

Speaker 16 Maybe you've heard of it. April 30th.

Speaker 16 Ladies and gentlemen, from town, the get-down, stay down, town when?

Speaker 16 Yes!

Speaker 16 Tao!

Speaker 16 Thank you for being here.

Speaker 33 John, it's my pleasure.

Speaker 16 I'm just adding a little patter while you plug in your beautiful guitar. Thank you so much.

Speaker 16 Would you mind singing a song and then you'll sit down with us for a while and we'll talk and render some justice?

Speaker 33 It would be an honor to render justice with you.

Speaker 16 It's

Speaker 16 a little courtroom humor and honor, get it?

Speaker 16 Right?

Speaker 16 Town Wen, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 16 How

Speaker 16 many heart

Speaker 16 I do

Speaker 16 like this

Speaker 16 me clear

Speaker 16 of all

Speaker 16 I do

Speaker 16 If by a third degree you feel the guilt for me Then I've been a villain all my life

Speaker 16 And if by a melody you stay and sway with me Then I've been a salesman on the sideline

Speaker 16 When we wake in the California lilies

Speaker 16 there is a concrete stuck between

Speaker 16 how we breathe,

Speaker 16 why we die,

Speaker 16 why we breathe, and where we die.

Speaker 16 Who wouldn't hold a wounded bird with anger stuck in time?

Speaker 16 Well, Well, I told you I would hold no more.

Speaker 16 It weighed too much like mine.

Speaker 16 You and I, then I alone.

Speaker 16 You and I, then I alone.

Speaker 16 You and I, then I alone.

Speaker 16 You and I, then I alone.

Speaker 16 Oh, kindness be conceived

Speaker 16 when we wake in the California light.

Speaker 16 There is a concrete stuff

Speaker 16 between

Speaker 16 how we breathe,

Speaker 16 why we die,

Speaker 16 what we breathe, and where we die.

Speaker 16 Hold

Speaker 16 me, heart

Speaker 16 I've been

Speaker 16 let loose

Speaker 16 So

Speaker 16 make clear

Speaker 16 of all

Speaker 16 I do

Speaker 16 kindness be conceived

Speaker 16 when we wake in the California light.

Speaker 16 There is a concrete stuck

Speaker 16 between

Speaker 16 how we breathe,

Speaker 16 why we die,

Speaker 16 why we breathe, and where we die.

Speaker 28 How about we bring our next litigants onto the stage?

Speaker 5 Please welcome George and Tom.

Speaker 8 George and Tom.

Speaker 22 Tonight, a portrait of the artist as a weird dad.

Speaker 12 George brings the case against his dad, Tom.

Speaker 7 Several years ago, Tom began leaving random photos taped to the underside of George's bunk bed.

Speaker 9 The images images surprise George when he gets into bed at night.

Speaker 21 George thinks the images are weird and wants his dad to cease and desist.

Speaker 8 Tom says that the images are beautiful and allow him to show his affection for his son.

Speaker 16 Who's right?

Speaker 34 Who's wrong?

Speaker 21 Only one man can decide.

Speaker 9 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

Speaker 16 I've always been a proud man, always wanted to make you proud of me.

Speaker 16 You know, you made me feel like a giant, and that's how I want you to remember me. I want everyone to know that I love them.

Speaker 16 Bailiff Jesse Swear the Man.

Speaker 4 Please raise your right hands.

Speaker 12 Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Speaker 13 So help you, God, or whatever, and address those microphones directly, please.

Speaker 23 I do.

Speaker 45 I do.

Speaker 19 Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that while he has a triple bunk bed, he chooses to sleep on the floor below the bottom bunk?

Speaker 46 I do.

Speaker 16 I do.

Speaker 9 Have you noticed that my friend Adam Katz from middle school is leading a weird insurrection of people who won't stand up right over here?

Speaker 1 Probably not.

Speaker 16 Thank you, Adam.

Speaker 16 Very well.

Speaker 16 Adam,

Speaker 16 George and Tom, you may be seated.

Speaker 18 Thank you for being here.

Speaker 16 George, for our listeners at home who can't see you, how old are you? I'm 15. 15 years old.
And

Speaker 16 Tom, you're his father, I hope.

Speaker 17 Yes.

Speaker 16 Okay, good.

Speaker 16 And when I learned that there was going to be a 15-year-old on this show,

Speaker 16 I thought, well, the show starts at 10. Let's make sure we put him on last.

Speaker 16 For an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, can either of you name the person that I was quoting as I entered the courtroom?

Speaker 16 Tom, you were brought to this court against your will, so you have first guess, or you can make your son guess first.

Speaker 16 Which will it be?

Speaker 40 I will take a wild guess.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 46 And I'll say it's a character from the film Giant.

Speaker 16 Interesting guess.

Speaker 16 Because it had Giant in it.

Speaker 16 Sure.

Speaker 16 All right. Fair enough.
I won't say whether that's right or wrong.

Speaker 16 George, do you have a guess? No. No.

Speaker 16 Baller move, George.

Speaker 16 Normally at this point, I would bully the litigant into making a guess anyway, but given the amount of sullen heat coming off of your 15-year-old person, I'm starting to feel a little scared. So

Speaker 16 I'll simply say the guess was wrong.

Speaker 16 The answer,

Speaker 16 for reasons that will become clear as we discuss this case,

Speaker 16 that was spoken

Speaker 16 by actor Hervé Villachez.

Speaker 16 It's actually from his suicide note.

Speaker 16 Sorry to use a suicide note as the cultural reference, especially with a 15-year-old, but there aren't many good quotes about monk beds, it turns out.

Speaker 16 But we'll talk more about Herve Villichez later, and hopefully the context will become clearer.

Speaker 16 Speaking of the context, the point of this case, George, is that your father, Tom, is putting unwanted visual aids into your bunk bed as you fall asleep, things that you find startling and weird.

Speaker 16 You know that this court has many precedents for letting weird dads do whatever they want.

Speaker 16 What is it about these photos that you find disturbing, such that you want me to prohibit them from being there?

Speaker 45 They're just really creepy. Like, for example, there's like

Speaker 45 overly made-up circus clowns, and

Speaker 16 sounds beautiful so far.

Speaker 45 And many, many ventriloquist dummies.

Speaker 16 Did you say ventriloquist dummies?

Speaker 16 Did I hear you correctly? Ventriloquist dummies? Yeah.

Speaker 22 Yeah. Yeah, the universal symbol of affection.

Speaker 8 I proposed to my wife with a ventriloquist dummy.

Speaker 16 Tom, why are you leaving pictures of ventriloquist dummies? Now let me see if I understand this.

Speaker 16 These photos are being left, these photos and illustrations and images are being left for you, George. You sleep on the bottom bunk?

Speaker 45 Yeah, that's correct.

Speaker 16 Is there anyone in the top bunk, or are you a weird, only child like I was

Speaker 16 who had a bunk bed just to show off?

Speaker 45 I have an older brother.

Speaker 16 An older brother. Yeah.
So you're down there on the bottom bunk, and your dad puts these images

Speaker 16 on the underside of the top bunk, so you have to stare at them as you fall asleep. Yeah.
Okay. Why are you doing this to your son?

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 46 I'm not trying to be weird or different

Speaker 25 or weirdly different.

Speaker 46 I'm just like,

Speaker 40 oh, here's a cool photo.

Speaker 46 I bet George would like it.

Speaker 16 Where are you finding

Speaker 16 all these photos of ventriloquist dummies, sir?

Speaker 16 Special catalogs that you've ordered.

Speaker 12 One assumes he just goes to paternal attention

Speaker 15 paternalaffectionpics.com.

Speaker 16 Where do you find the images that you that you want to share with your son?

Speaker 46 Okay, that's an excellent question.

Speaker 16 The only kind I ask.

Speaker 46 These are images that I just happened to encounter for whatever reason and I'm like, ooh.

Speaker 16 That's cool.

Speaker 18 Yeah, that's what you just said.

Speaker 16 I asked a specific and I dare say excellent question.

Speaker 16 Where are you sourcing these images?

Speaker 16 On the internet?

Speaker 46 Stand by.

Speaker 46 I'll allow it.

Speaker 16 Standing by.

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 22 Judge Hodgman, are we accepting arguments in the form of ham radio transmissions?

Speaker 16 Copy that.

Speaker 22 10-4, good buddy.

Speaker 46 I work for an airline as a flight attendant, and sometimes I'm gone for a long time. Sometimes these flights are very long.
Go to Australia, it's about a 14-hour flight longer.

Speaker 46 I read a lot of newspapers, and I'm like, ooh, that's kind of cool. And I might clip that out,

Speaker 46 and I'm like,

Speaker 46 when I get home.

Speaker 16 The circus clown pic ayune up there in the air.

Speaker 16 These all coming out of the complimentary USA today?

Speaker 29 No, that's just in Australia today.

Speaker 19 It's the eighth reason Australia is better.

Speaker 16 We have more circus clowns in our papers.

Speaker 16 I have a whole binder here full of folds. Oh, don't think I haven't clocked the binder you're holding.

Speaker 3 And it's not just overly made-up clowns or

Speaker 46 ventriloquist dummies, but

Speaker 46 way do you see these dummies?

Speaker 16 Good night.

Speaker 16 I feel like I could walk out of that stage door

Speaker 16 into the wilderness and never be seen again, knowing that my great contribution to culture was facilitating you saying, but wait till you see these dummies.

Speaker 16 One of my most favorite moments of reality.

Speaker 16 And the fact is, sir, we don't have to wait any longer

Speaker 16 because evidence was submitted, which we are going to to put up on this screen

Speaker 16 these are all images that you have placed in George's bed

Speaker 16 first image please

Speaker 16 Tom obviously we're recording this for podcast purposes so Tom, either you or I are going to have to describe for the listener what we're looking at.

Speaker 46 Your Honor, I think the issue here is

Speaker 46 how do I view it versus how does my son view it?

Speaker 16 So, can we just say for the record what it is? Because I'm looking at it, and even I'm not sure,

Speaker 16 Your Honor.

Speaker 7 It is a helmeted hornbill.

Speaker 16 A helmeted hornbill. Yes.
And this is that's science for Nightmare Bird.

Speaker 16 And this is a a photo of an actual animal, not a monstrous puppet. Yeah.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry. This would be a great ventriloquist dummy, by the way.

Speaker 46 I am sorry if

Speaker 46 nature's glory offends you.

Speaker 16 It does not offend me.

Speaker 16 It does not offend me.

Speaker 16 There are many hideous creatures in nature that I appreciate.

Speaker 16 And it's not a hideous creature.

Speaker 16 It's a beautifully ferocious monster.

Speaker 16 Why did you choose this to

Speaker 16 show to your son directly before he falls asleep?

Speaker 16 Standby.

Speaker 16 Stand by.

Speaker 46 That's another excellent question.

Speaker 16 It's kind of my thing.

Speaker 46 This animal, as you can see from its helmeted hornbill,

Speaker 16 is

Speaker 46 unfortunately hunted for its bill, and it's actually more precious, more valuable than ivory. And it's becoming

Speaker 46 on the brink of extinction. It's

Speaker 46 indigenous to Malaysia and Borneo, I believe.

Speaker 11 So,

Speaker 11 of course, it's bizarre.

Speaker 23 And I thought, well, let me put that up there.

Speaker 16 And

Speaker 16 then,

Speaker 16 instead of him,

Speaker 46 my ideal is instead of him coming and saying, as he always does, What is this?

Speaker 46 Don't put this in my bed.

Speaker 46 I would prefer that he would say, oh, wow.

Speaker 46 Dad, tell me more about this curious bird.

Speaker 16 Did you know that about the hornbill, George?

Speaker 16 No, I had no idea. Not until this moment? No, they never told me.

Speaker 16 just to clarify, this big fella's flapped through a few nightmares, right?

Speaker 16 Let's go to the next image.

Speaker 16 Now,

Speaker 16 for the viewer at home,

Speaker 16 for the listener at home,

Speaker 16 this is a photo, it looks like from the late 60s, early 70s of a man with a unibrow and a very short bow tie smoking a cigarette in front of a Christmas tree. Is this a relative of some kind or

Speaker 16 uncle?

Speaker 46 That is a Greek tailor.

Speaker 16 For those listening at home, we did not edit anything out.

Speaker 16 The silence that you heard after that is a Greek tailor, full stop, was intentional.

Speaker 16 Apparently, Tom believes that's the only context I need.

Speaker 16 George, did you know this was a Greek tailor when you saw it in your bed?

Speaker 45 Nope.

Speaker 16 Okay, next image.

Speaker 16 Next image, please.

Speaker 7 George, just to clarify.

Speaker 26 Now, this is a great work of art.

Speaker 16 This is Jean-Michel Basquiat.

Speaker 16 Right. Yes.
So

Speaker 16 I can, you know.

Speaker 21 Would you characterize it as one of his more nightmarish works?

Speaker 46 Yes, well.

Speaker 46 The point, anyhow, as you said, it's a beautiful work of art. Yes.
And I wanted to show them that.

Speaker 16 That I understand. Shall we get back to Greek Taylor for a second?

Speaker 16 What was the Greek tailor?

Speaker 16 It's kind of a long story, but you asked where. It doesn't have to be.

Speaker 16 Once upon a time in Greece, there was a boy whose father was a tailor.

Speaker 46 You asked, where do do you get these images from? Sometimes magazines, newspapers. Sometimes from the internet.
Now I used to live in a town and I knew this guy.

Speaker 11 He was a Greek tailor.

Speaker 16 Is that a picture of him?

Speaker 35 That is a picture of him.

Speaker 16 Oh, okay. Phew.

Speaker 16 Anyhow, somehow, I looked him up.

Speaker 46 and there was a

Speaker 46 whole photo album of his photos and I went back and back and back and I'm like wow this guy is like the quintessential 1974 Greek tailor

Speaker 3 at Christmas time.

Speaker 16 You're right. Thank you.
Thank you. I'm really that old stereotype.

Speaker 12 Judge Hodgman, I think that more than anything else this speaks to the deficiencies of the common core.

Speaker 14 They're like, when are children learning about

Speaker 22 prototypical Greek tailors?

Speaker 16 You know what, Jesse, your tie is shorter than a Greek tailor at Christmastime. Sorry.
I simply don't understand the rest more.

Speaker 16 All right, next image.

Speaker 16 For those of you listening at home, this is a publicity still from the television show Fantasy Island, featuring Ricardo Montoban as mysterious Mr.

Speaker 16 Rourke and his assistant tattoo, played by Herve Villachez, but in this case, he's wearing a bald wig and his whole head has been painted green and he looks like an alien.

Speaker 16 This needs no explanation. I would put this in my own son's bedroom, of course.

Speaker 16 Next image.

Speaker 16 Now,

Speaker 16 correct me if I'm wrong,

Speaker 16 Tom. This image to me looks like

Speaker 15 me on my birthday.

Speaker 16 What's up?

Speaker 16 A hairless rodent of some kind. I don't know if it's a naked.
It's not a naked mole rat, is it?

Speaker 46 I think that's what it is, yes.

Speaker 16 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 16 It's reclining

Speaker 16 on what looks like a little naked mole rat-sized armchair in a rec room, and it's covered by an Afghan, and he's got kind of a self-satisfied grin.

Speaker 19 Yeah, I mean, Judge Hodgman, I think it's fair to characterize this naked mole rat as cheesin'.

Speaker 8 Your boy's definitely cheesin'.

Speaker 16 Tal of town, the get-down, stay down. You're still here with us, and I've noticed you've been appropriately speechless this entire time.

Speaker 20 Standing by.

Speaker 33 I have one question to clarify. From my angle, I can't tell.

Speaker 31 Is that a cigar in

Speaker 33 the written hairless rodent smell?

Speaker 20 Do you see what I'm seeing, Jesse?

Speaker 16 Is there a cigar in the naked mole rat? No, I think that's...

Speaker 16 What is that?

Speaker 28 That's just how their faces be.

Speaker 16 Yes.

Speaker 16 You might be confused by the naked mole rat's terrifying long fingernails that are brown with dirt from digging. I don't think it's smoking a cigar, but

Speaker 16 why not, after all?

Speaker 12 He definitely subscribes to cigar aficionado.

Speaker 16 The thought behind this one, Tom?

Speaker 1 Just looks cool.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 16 Do we have any more?

Speaker 16 Do we have any more? Next one?

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 16 So this is an image of,

Speaker 16 it looks like some kind of figurine of a small Asian,

Speaker 16 well I want to say boy, but

Speaker 8 it looks like a Jeff Kuntz sculpture of Kim Jong-un.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 16 And also a post-it message from father to son saying, George, you look good.

Speaker 9 You do look good, George. You do look good, George.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 16 So, and anything you want to say about this one, Tom?

Speaker 46 Yeah, two things.

Speaker 16 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 46 I believe believe this is a piece of artwork from Taiwan

Speaker 46 and sometimes I just like to stuff beans up George's nose and that's what this is.

Speaker 16 Like, hey, check it out.

Speaker 19 It's a classic example of him stuffing beans up George's.

Speaker 16 So you're just teasing your son with his good nose.

Speaker 1 Stuffing beans up his nose, Judge Hodman.

Speaker 16 Are you even listening?

Speaker 16 I understand weird dad talk, as do you, but I'm trying to explain for a listener at home who may not understand what stuff beans up your nose means. Tow, that's rock and roll slang, right?

Speaker 16 Say it all the time.

Speaker 16 Did you have any thoughts about this one, George?

Speaker 16 When you saw this, did you feel like you got your nose bean stuffed?

Speaker 45 No, I didn't think my nose was stuffed with beans.

Speaker 45 I just saw

Speaker 45 a picture of a shiny boy

Speaker 45 and a note that says, you look good. And I do not appreciate that.

Speaker 16 Next image.

Speaker 16 So this is an artist I don't know.

Speaker 16 This is an image, it looks like Dean Martin reaching out to hug you, George.

Speaker 16 Tom, can you tell me what I'm seeing here?

Speaker 46 Yeah, same sort of thing.

Speaker 16 I'm like, oh man, that's cool.

Speaker 46 And it's green. I like the color green.
And he looks, you know, welcoming. There's no threat to this.

Speaker 16 Is this an artist that I should know?

Speaker 46 No, I just happen to find it in a newspaper.

Speaker 16 When you're at a point when you're actually evaluating each one, is there any threat to this one?

Speaker 16 And is there another image, or are we at the end? Next image.

Speaker 16 This is one of those clowns. This is a again a clown smoking a cigarette.
Third image smoking a cigarette. And the next image,

Speaker 16 and this is,

Speaker 16 it looks like a comic book featuring Micro Mysterio el

Speaker 16 Ventrilo, I can't say it,

Speaker 16 and this is apparently a comic book about evil ventriloquist dummies.

Speaker 16 Italian?

Speaker 16 Spanish. Spanish.

Speaker 46 I believe it's from Mexico.

Speaker 16 Okay, very good. Is that a representative sampling?

Speaker 46 Not enough Herve Villichez, but yeah.

Speaker 16 Have you done more of Herve Villichez? A couple more, yeah.

Speaker 16 What is your interest in Herve Villichez that you want to share with George? Because I'm going to say this right now, Tom. Yeah.
You have a lot of messages you're trying to convey to yourself.

Speaker 16 And

Speaker 16 I like that a lot. And I like a lot of the messages that you're conveying.

Speaker 10 But I'm not sure George is getting the message.

Speaker 16 Right, exactly. Because he's just seeing the photo.
He didn't know about the story of the Hornbill.

Speaker 46 Right? So, hey, come on, talk to me about the Hornbill or Herve Villiche.

Speaker 16 ever if you're ever disturbed by anything you see please come talk to me and if you're not disturbed let me help you

Speaker 11 right if you never see something disturbing i'm gonna be there for you right now i'm imagining like george's certitude that these are gonna lead to conversations like he takes uh he takes a picture of a clown crying blood or whatever and he tapes it to his boy's bunk bed and then he just goes back into the living room, turns a chair backwards, and sits astride it, like, let's rap.

Speaker 17 Like, you and me are gonna connect.

Speaker 5 George,

Speaker 16 why do you have a problem with this, honestly?

Speaker 22 Because

Speaker 16 you know your dad, right?

Speaker 16 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 32 Look, I know you're 15 years old and you're a dude, but you love your dad, right?

Speaker 16 Yeah. Yeah.
Of course. So, you know, he's clearly trying to share something with you.
And your dad's got pretty eclectic and weird and deep taste.

Speaker 16 And yet, you want this to stop. Do I understand that?

Speaker 45 Yeah,

Speaker 45 because they're not

Speaker 45 like, I can see how he might think they're interesting, but I have my own opinion too.

Speaker 45 So I don't want to crawl into bed, like when I'm really tired, and just look up and see something like creepy birds staring at me when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Speaker 16 Well would you prefer to have up there a Cheryl Teaks poster?

Speaker 16 Because I bet your dad has that too.

Speaker 16 Would you prefer there to be nothing there?

Speaker 45 Maybe like a poster of my choice of something I like.

Speaker 16 Like what? What do you like?

Speaker 45 The Golden State Warriors.

Speaker 16 Yeah, that's a tough.

Speaker 16 The dubs. Are they like the Power Rangers?

Speaker 16 I've never heard of that show. Is that a good one?

Speaker 15 Look, guys, I'm from the Bay.

Speaker 25 I know about the Warriors.

Speaker 19 Who would you choose? Probably Sharunis Marshalonis, right?

Speaker 16 No. No.

Speaker 16 George, does it terrify you to imagine that your son might look at a sports poster instead of a poster of obscure ventriloquist dummies and clowns?

Speaker 46 That does not terrify me. He has a lot of

Speaker 46 Golden State Warriors paraphernalia all over his wall.

Speaker 16 Right. The other walls and the door, that's cool.

Speaker 19 So let's just leave that space above the bunk bed for me.

Speaker 16 That's daddy's special place.

Speaker 46 I beseech you.

Speaker 16 All right. George, do you have anything else you would like to say before I render my decision?

Speaker 45 No, I think I'm done with this case.

Speaker 16 Tom?

Speaker 46 I guess I would say that,

Speaker 46 you know, it's my job to educate my son.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 46 if you go out to a restaurant with him,

Speaker 46 with your child, and you're like, hey, try this, try these Brussels sprouts.

Speaker 16 Well, I don't want to try them.

Speaker 46 It's like, just try them. It's the same, my same approach with these images and with artwork.

Speaker 16 It's the equivalent of basically putting a cooked Brussels sprout sprout in his bunk bed so that it falls into his mouth while he sleeps.

Speaker 16 I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go over in my chambers and sit in my chair made of beautiful hornbill tusk.

Speaker 16 And I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Speaker 18 Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Speaker 29 Tal, this is some shit, right?

Speaker 16 This is.

Speaker 33 Can we say that in your podcast?

Speaker 29 No, but I just did because I'm overwhelmed.

Speaker 33 This is some shit.

Speaker 14 This is a fire hose.

Speaker 16 I had a dad.

Speaker 33 I wish I was a little bit younger and then that Tom could adopt me.

Speaker 33 Because I think that's really sweet.

Speaker 33 As someone who travels a lot for work, I understand that you want something there in your stead, especially for your son to

Speaker 33 remember you fondly by or be terrified by at night.

Speaker 33 But George, do you see your dad's point in that, you know, you...

Speaker 45 Yeah, I don't take down everything. Some stuff stuff I keep.

Speaker 19 What's the best thing you got, George, from your dad that he taped up to give you nightmares?

Speaker 45 The best thing?

Speaker 27 Probably the mole rat.

Speaker 16 It is really.

Speaker 3 All right, fair enough.

Speaker 16 Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say.

Speaker 19 Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

Speaker 16 You may be seated.

Speaker 16 Hervey Villichez was an interesting dude, wouldn't you say, Tom? Yes. He was a very conflicted, very tortured man.

Speaker 16 He was born under Nazi occupation in Paris, moved to New York by himself when he was 21, not speaking English.

Speaker 16 He had already studied to be a painter and was an accomplished painter and photographer before he fell into acting.

Speaker 16 He acted in off-Broadway plays with Sam Shepard, and then he co-starred in movies with William S.

Speaker 16 Burroughs, all before he got this job in the James Bond movie, and then obviously Fantasy Island, which made him this international superstar, but

Speaker 16 an object of some ridicule occasionally used on the show to portray a weird alien, among other things.

Speaker 16 But he was a painter, and then of course he killed himself in 1993

Speaker 16 when he was 50 years old. But before that, he continued to paint and he also gave art to people.
He gave a painting to Greta Garbo, which was just sold by her estate in 2012.

Speaker 16 Here it is, it's the next image.

Speaker 16 There it is. That's a painting that Herve Villichez gave to Greta Garbo.
I don't know if he put it on her bunk bed.

Speaker 16 And I don't know if she liked it, but she kept it because it was a work

Speaker 16 of personal expression as much as it was a gift.

Speaker 16 You know, as I travel around the country, I'm often very happy to receive works of personal expression from fans, people who have knitted for me hot dogs that say this is not a hot dog on it, and that sort of thing.

Speaker 16 And illustrations and so forth, and sometimes profoundly unflattering illustrations of me.

Speaker 16 And yet I keep,

Speaker 16 and they're sometimes intense, you know, and hard to deal with because they sometimes express

Speaker 16 feelings that you don't quite know how to process.

Speaker 16 But they're gifts that mean that someone else is thinking about you. Now, George, you're at a time in your life when you don't want your dad to be thinking about you all the time.

Speaker 16 You're 15 years old, you're trying to create a private space in your life and investigate your own weird interests that may or may not include ventriloquist dummies, dad.

Speaker 16 And so I appreciate why you want to clear out this space, particularly as you go into the most private space that any human can occupy, the falling asleep time and the waking up time, you know.

Speaker 16 But in your petition, you asked to be able to throw these things away instead of put them on your dad's desk as he asked you to do.

Speaker 16 And I'm going to say to you, you don't want to throw these things away. They're weird.
They're scary.

Speaker 16 They're intense.

Speaker 16 Just like your dad, who is,

Speaker 16 those of you listening can't see. He's really giving me a stare right now.

Speaker 16 These are things that you will want to have later in your life, even if right now they're terrifying and weird to you. So I, first of all, I'm ordering you to keep these things.

Speaker 16 It sounds as though I'm going to order you to also tolerate your dad putting these things under your bunk bed anymore, but I can't allow that anymore, sir. That's a private space for George.

Speaker 16 That bunk bed,

Speaker 16 that's an inner sanctum for him.

Speaker 16 And as much as it's fun for weird dads to shove beans up their kids' noses, Especially as they're getting older and more independent and you want to really just remind them, if I'm the boss, I'm going to eat your burrito and I'm going to show you a picture of Herve Villichez, just like I did when you were a baby.

Speaker 16 What you need to do is you need to take one Golden State Warrior poster off your wall and get a bulletin board for your dad to put up his weird pictures, and then

Speaker 16 You have to go to your dad and say, why this now? Why this weird thing?

Speaker 16 And you can't be coy about it. You have to say to him, This is why I put this up there.
Maybe even write him a note. And don't stop beans up his nose.
If you're going to do this, take it seriously.

Speaker 16 I find in favor, sort of, of George and sort of of Tom, and all the way in favor of Herve Villichez. Rest in peace.
This is the sound of the gavel.

Speaker 16 Judge Shaw. Georgian time, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 12 Thank you, George and Tom.

Speaker 16 I think we have time for one more song from Tao. Are you prepared to play and sing one?

Speaker 12 Tao says, Yes, ladies and gentlemen, San Francisco's number one rock star, Tao Wen of Tao and the get-down stay-down.

Speaker 12 Upon my return from the age of ice,

Speaker 12 I suppose

Speaker 12 I would survive

Speaker 12 I remember

Speaker 12 you

Speaker 16 with an end or two free of hands

Speaker 16 without device

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 What of all

Speaker 16 the stone I invented

Speaker 16 to coat my hands and face

Speaker 16 I was made of machine

Speaker 35 and gasoline filled up for

Speaker 16 on just a taste

Speaker 16 No, no, I wasn't born to break such bonds

Speaker 16 Never would I prepare the leap

Speaker 16 No, no, I wouldn't dare dare ever love you more

Speaker 16 than you would dare believe

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 Lay down, lay down

Speaker 16 It takes a fine imagination

Speaker 16 and sound technology

Speaker 16 to let loose the cold amnesia

Speaker 16 over all

Speaker 16 the blood that beats

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 Slowly we all lay down

Speaker 16 lay down,

Speaker 16 lay down.

Speaker 16 Upon my return from the age of ice,

Speaker 16 I supposed I would survive

Speaker 3 Tao Wen is the front woman of the band Tao and the Get Down Stay Down. Their new record, A Man Alive, is out March 4th.

Speaker 1 For more information and to find a tour date near you, check out TaoandThegetDownStayDown.com.

Speaker 2 That's Tao, spelled T-H-A-O. She is so cool.
Her music is so cool. She is just the greatest.
You should really go to TaoandthegetdownStayDown.com and find out more about her.

Speaker 4 Seriously, she's the best, and her records are so great.

Speaker 2 Thanks to Arlen Golden and Sean Hickson for suggesting our case names this week, and thanks to everyone who came out to our show this year, and to all of our litigants, the staff at the Marines Memorial Theater, the organizers of SF Sketchfest, and Michelle Mitchell and Julia Smith for making this possible.

Speaker 8 The show is edited by Mark McConville.

Speaker 4 You can submit your own disputes, and you should submit your own disputes at maximumfund.org/slash JJ H O.

Speaker 1 We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Speaker 16 MaximumFund.org.

Speaker 13 Comedy and culture.

Speaker 27 Artist-owned.

Speaker 16 Listener-supported.