Live from SF Sketchfest 2016

This week's Judge John Hodgman was recorded in front of a live audience at SF Sketchfest.

Tonight, beyond a reasonable drought, Patricia files suit against her boyfriend Dave.

Patricia says Dave is drought conscious and has put together a haphazard system to collect water for his plants.

She admires his earth-friendly attitude, but says his weird water tubs are unhygienic and gross.

Dave is proud of his homemade system.

Who's gross, who's not?

Only one man can decide.

Please, rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

You may be seated, you may not.

It's basically a micro sandwich, a high-efficiency filter and heat exchange system.

The skin contact layer is porous.

Perspiration passes through it, having cooled the body.

The next two layers include heat exchange filaments and salt precipitators.

Salt is reclaimed.

Urine and feces are processed in the thigh pads.

Reclaimed water circulates to catch pockets from which you draw it through this tube right into your pie hole.

Now,

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, you may swear them in.

Please raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God, or whatever.

Please address the microphones.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he considers fresh water to be the world's most valuable resource because his only religious text is the film Water World starring Kevin Costner?

I do.

I do too.

Very well, Judge Hodgman?

You may be seated.

Interesting, I almost used a quote from Water World.

You know what?

But do you know what?

There aren't that many of them.

My dad and I went to see Water Waterworld in the theater you know what I remember thinking about Waterworld yes

I've got I kind of like the movie Waterworld

it's not it's not terrible you know what else is not terrible the postman but that's for another podcast John and Jesse's Water World and Postman

Kevin Costner post-apocalyptic one-two punch podcast.

But now, this is the judge John Hodgkin.

First of all, every year at the the holidays, we talk about Tin Cup.

That's true.

It's weird that that was a post-apocalyptic movie.

Not a lot of people realize that that took place

after there had been a horrible nuclear war.

And the only movie star left was Kevin Costner.

So

they had to make a movie with him.

I love Kevin Costner, you guys.

I feel terrible about that.

He might be here tonight.

I invite him to every live performance.

I don't ever do Boss Gags.

That's right.

Now,

just as a point of order, we only ever do live Judge John Hodgmans, with one exception that I will, that proves the rule.

We only ever do them here in San Francisco at SF Sketch Fest, at Marines Memorial Theater,

for you.

And as you know,

we only do them at 10 o'clock at night.

The perfect time for a podcast whose audience consists entirely of 45 to 50 year old people

and their and their incredibly eccentric 14 year old children

so I am grateful to you all for staying up late we have a really great set of cases a lot of justice will be dispensed we have a brand new screen here at Marines Memorial Theater, which I'm not sure if you can smell it, but it is so new it is off-gassing some incredible fumes.

I feel like I just took a face dive in a brand new slip slip and slide in 1971.

I feel like Boz Skag78.

Yeah.

So

as this wafts out into the theater, we're all going to have a really good time.

But now,

for an immediate summary judgment in one of yours favors, Dave or Patricia, can you name

the obscure cultural reference that I referenced as I stood here at the, whatever this is, as I entered the courtroom,

Dave, you are the one who was brought here against your will by Patricia, so you have the choice to either guess or make Patricia guess first.

Do you have a guess, Dave?

I'll go ahead and guess.

The only thing I could think of is it sounds like something that they sell at REI, the instruction manual for

awesome.

Well, I'm not going to say whether that's right or wrong, but

it's an intriguing guess.

Patricia, do you have a guess?

I'll plead the fifth.

No, you have to to guess.

Wait, you're pleading the fifth?

Yeah.

That means it might incriminate her.

No, it is.

Actually, if you did know this, it would kind of incriminate you in a way.

Oh.

I don't know, Kama Sutra.

All guesses are wrong!

Although that also was kind of on the money, too, in a way.

Indeed, it is from the great Kama Sutra of science fiction literature, Frank Herbert's Dune.

I am so relieved neither one of you got that because I would have been, if I had been in your shoes, I would have been screaming it from the third word.

Because, of course, it is a description of the still suit, which is the personal bodily moisture reclamation garment that is worn by the Fremen on the desert planet of Dune, which has very little water and speaks to the future of California.

What's amazing is how much more obscure my repeated references to Boz Skaggs are

in this context.

No one knows who Bozkegs is.

Yeah.

People know all about the Thrennin.

Is that what they were called?

No, Jesse.

For someone who enjoyed Water World so much,

I feel that your education is somewhat lacking when it comes to Desert World.

the first world

and the third world of that particular galaxy but anyway it doesn't matter

uh dave you uh are engaged in your own water reclamation project in your own home here in the bay area where do you live uh oakland that would be the bay area is brooklyn the bay area is brooklyn oakland

uh there is a drought happening throughout california including here i understand and what are you doing to reclaim water Well, I planted a garden a couple of years ago, and that just takes water.

Exactly.

How are you helping?

Well,

it turns out that

I dug a ground-in pool.

Ground-in.

What about the pool?

In ground-pool.

Well, so I discovered that after I had planted this garden, I would need water to water it.

Water that I had.

You created an extra need for water in your life.

Exactly.

That's exactly what I did.

And so I realized that

a way that I could get the water out to my garden was that there was water that when I turned a faucet on in my house and initially the water was cold,

that was water that I was basically just wasting because it was of no use to me.

So I started collecting it and then moving it outside to water my garden.

And how would you collect it

in a shadow, in a light box?

Well, that's not what that's called.

How are you collecting it?

In

plastic containers.

In plastic containers.

In plastic containers.

Like buckets?

You could call them buckets.

Sure.

Once upon a time, they were.

You could call them buckets.

It would

be the right word.

Why would that even be an option?

I'm using them like buckets.

What are they?

They're

64-ounce and 32-ounce containers that were originally bulk yogurt containers.

You know that there's a specific recycling bin in Oakland that's only for bulk yogurt containers, right?

Fan of all, I have no problem with yogurt, but I was spent many years trying to figure out how can you make it sound more disgusting.

Right, bulk yogurt.

Doing what I can.

I'm glad you're here.

So, okay, double ecological

conscientious action.

You are saving water that otherwise would have been wasted, and you are using a potential landfill that otherwise would have been just just thrown away.

So what is your problem with this, Patricia?

He doesn't only use the yogurt.

He does have a big white plastic bucket he uses in the kitchen.

We don't have to be bucket racist about this.

Okay, okay, are you right?

Don't know why you had to say that.

It's a bucket that happens to be white.

It has to do part of maybe with that he leaves the buckets there so long they start getting filmy.

Wait, where does he leave them?

In In the sink?

In the sinks, in the shower, on the edge of the...

You have buckets in your shower there, Dave?

I do.

I had a bucket in my shower.

You had a bucket in your shower?

There's someone in the front row who just applauded your shower bucket.

There you go.

So let me just say,

if

this court case doesn't work out for you, Patricia, and you guys break up, Dave, you have someone

a soulmate.

You have a possibility there.

Why are are you keeping a bucket in your shower?

To collect more water?

That's correct.

Yeah, again, when you first turn the shower on, the water's cold.

Right.

So that's water that ordinarily would go down the drain.

So I had something in there to collect that for the same purpose.

Patricia, why do you hate the earth so much?

What's the problem?

If you knew what it did to me, you'd understand.

No.

The first time he tries to throw a bucket in the shower, the first time I took a shower at his place, he grabs the bucket that the dirty dishes have been sitting in

and

probably watered the plants with it, but he throws it in there and there's like

black bingo and olive oil and red and kombucha, yes.

Kombucha.

Look at it.

And as it fills up, move into Oakland.

It's going to splash on me.

Wheat germ, bulk yogurt residue.

And

as that fills up, it's going to splash on me, which is counterintuitive to the cleansing process.

All right, so this is not in your home.

This is in Dave's home.

That's in Dave's home, yes.

And you are and you but you go and spend the night there sometimes because you're grown-ups and you have your own business.

Yes.

Hi, I understand.

So that was, no, I made him take, no, get it out.

Right.

This is a dramatic reenactment.

It's either a dramatic reenactment or a flashback that she's having.

It was so traumatic.

And I don't blame you to feel a little bit traumatized by having to shower in a shower that has a bucket of food residue in it.

Dave.

Yeah.

How long has it been since you've had a girlfriend sleepover?

How long have you guys been together?

Oh, you're going to tease me.

Five, five.

I'm going to tease you no matter what.

So you might as well answer the question.

Five years, but you didn't start the water thing until about two and a half years ago.

No, see, I'm not going to tease you because that makes perfect sense.

Because that's exactly the time frame in which a guy

has decided after about two and a half years, I no longer need to hide what an incredible monster I am in order to get any coming over.

Ashley, yet a year and a half is when the farting started.

For some reason, you know what?

For some reason, before that,

you want me to be mad at Dave, but a year and a half to hold off on farting?

That's a long time in a relationship.

Can I ask you guys a question?

Do you think it's possible that the farting might have some relationship to the the 64-ounce yogurt?

Bulk, bulk yogurt, I think, may be

the culprit there.

No, you don't.

Look, I'm not going to.

You guys are grown-ups like me.

You're not kids, but in today's hookup culture, you know, farting is usually on the first hookup.

For a year and a half, he didn't do it in front of me, and then all of a sudden, it was all hands on deck.

And so, why?

I don't understand.

What is all hands on deck farting?

Well, I just mean it was just like it was open season.

It's basically like, everyone,

all hands on deck.

I'm about to fart.

Everyone in the house.

It's just a klaxon.

Come immediately.

Yeah.

Klaxon, clax on.

Come immediately to my wheat germ pantry.

I'm about to fart in the garden.

I'm a little nervous.

I meddled my words.

No, you're fantastic, but do you fart a lot, Dave?

Remember, sir, you are under oath.

How would you define a lot?

Like

trying to think of farting by San Francisco standards or Oakland standards.

I can tell you I haven't yet tonight.

Well,

you've done me better, sir, because I'm

for creating a sense of anticipation.

Dave

it's 1030 p.m.

Do you know where your toots are?

So

do you still put the shower bucket in?

No, you know what?

I'll let Patricia answer this.

I got him a fresher one that would be easier to clean.

You got him a fresher bucket?

Tell them what it is.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell them what it is.

Tell them what it is.

Oh, my God.

This is going to turn the tide for me.

Tell them.

Tell them.

Oh, my boy.

When you hear what kind of crazy bucket she got me.

It's a six-inch half-hotel pan.

So nice indeed.

A six-inch what?

Half-hotel pan.

Half-hotel pan.

Yeah, chafing dish.

Oh, okay.

Like

a chafing dish, is that what you said?

Right.

Yeah.

I thought it'd be easier to sanitize.

In the hotel business, we actually call that a fart bucket.

And why did you think that that was an important detail, Dave, for me to hear?

Well, I think.

I mean, at the end of the day, you have a bucket in your shower.

Like, is there really one that's worse than the other?

Is there really one that could possibly be worse than your recovered dishwashing tub?

And if I could just interject a sub-question here, is there anything wrong with with using a bucket as a bucket?

You know, I hadn't thought about that.

I think

the point I was trying to make was that

rather than just say this is the craziest thing I've had and it's gross, she actually gave me something.

She actually presented me with something to use.

Sure.

Well, I mean, she wants this relationship to work.

And she's at that point, you know, you're you're at that point where you've begun farting and displaying your weird hobbies

and she's at that point where she's like I want this relationship to work I have to start enabling this weirdo

in order in order to make him think that his insanity is okay

or else where else where else will this relationship go it'll have to end I just yeah I want it to be healthier because at some point if we move in together well you have you actually had a germa

I'm not gonna say germaphobic but

I.

You were concerned that there was a bacterial breeding pool in the shower.

There is.

So there's, well, besides a shower, there's also a bucket that lives in the kitchen, in the bathroom sink.

I mean, it's not a bucket, it's a plastic.

No, there's no buckets in this one.

There's no buckets.

No, you're right.

It's a flower bowl that's also plastic.

And he always pulls the stopper, which you think isn't a problem, but the water flows over and then he leaves it in there and then different things collect.

The sink starts turning gray, and it's just the bowl is dirty, the sink gets dirty, and then I'm supposed to wash my face over that.

Judge Hodgman, when you're dealing with this volume of yogurt, you're going to have a lively biome.

Is there any basin in your home that does not have an extra water collection unit?

No.

What do you grow in your garden?

And

sub-question: I presume it's the type of garden I presume it is.

Why don't you just use your bong water?

You're right, kids.

I don't know what it means either.

But I'll allow it.

I'm sorry, which question am I answering?

Is your garden, I guess I'm asking, is your garden hydroponic?

What do you

bubonic?

Well,

possibly so.

I grow In the summer, I grow tomatoes, peppers.

I actually at one, I think the first year I grew a cantaloupe.

A single cantaloupe?

I think I got one single cantaloupe.

And then currently I've got onions, beets, carrots,

winter crops for California.

And Patricia,

do you enjoy the bounty of this garden?

How do you enjoy eating a cantaloupe that's been raised with bulk yogurt, trash, water?

I didn't get that, but the the tomatoes were darn tasty.

The tomatoes were darn tasty.

So,

what would you like me to order Dave to do?

I'd like him to wash, well, get some more proper things that are easy to clean.

You're deep enough into this that you're willing to accept this behavior in theory.

And you want practice to be more wash it more often, and

that's wasting water.

That is a conundrum.

Yeah, I don't know.

Are you using the water for anything else other than watering your garden, Dave?

Well, actually, I do

use the water to

rinse dishes off before I put them in the dishwasher.

I don't think that's a good idea.

But then they go.

I know why that's an ooh, why it's going into the dishwasher.

Why are you even using it?

But why are you using a dishwasher?

To washwash.

Do you understand how much electricity that uses?

Well, I'm not worried about, we don't have an electricity drought.

Enron Days.

Get ready for Water World, man.

Get ready for the dystopia of Tin Cup World coming up soon.

Can I also add with that too?

Well, this is your chance to say what you want.

So tell me everything you want.

So yes, prettier bowls, clean bowls, keep that damn stopper down so stuff goes down and the sink doesn't get slimy and gray.

A new toilet would be great because

what did he do to his toilet with his

letting the yellow mellow for too long has stained it.

You're talking about the old principle of if it's yellow, let it mellow.

If it's brown, flush it down.

Yeah.

How long do you let it mellow?

Well, I'll admit, part of it, he used to have a roommate that also had two little boys, and all the boys let it mellow.

There was a lot of yellow.

There was a lot of yellow, yeah.

So now the toilet is ooky.

Have you tried cleaning it?

Yes, he's tried cleaning it.

He also has, he has hired a house cleaner to clean.

And one day I was there, and I helped her bail the toilet so you get the water out, so you can get the cleanser right on the gook.

And it just, it got a little bit off, but it's just still ookie.

So there needs to be a new toilet stained beyond belief because

of the of the all the men who've just let it mellow yeah not just me never never produced a brown to flush it down

yes i guess or was that going into the garden as well

all right i think i've heard everything i need to to make my decision

I am going to now go into my chambers to bathe in my own recovered sweat and urine.

and I will be back in a moment to make my decision.

Ladies and gentlemen, please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

May be seated.

Dave,

Does anyone else come to your house?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Who?

Actually, my parents visited last weekend.

What did they make of this?

They didn't make anything of it because I removed all evidence of it.

So you know you're...

Can I also add his dad has one glass eye too, so

it affects his vision.

It affects his depth perception, not.

I don't think it has anything to do with.

So if you throw a bucket at him, he's less likely to be able to catch it.

I'm just saying.

By the way, Dave, that was a really cool impression of your dad trying to catch a bucket.

Patricia, are you thinking about moving into this home?

Possibly, yes.

Look, I'm not trying to push you guys along.

But you might be getting to that point in your life.

Yes.

We could could take some more bitch and trips if we actually combined resources.

That is a really good point.

I wonder if the judge has even considered the bitch and trips issue.

Patricia,

do you feel like this is a home that you could invite people to?

Like, let's say Sally from work.

Overall, yeah.

It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful, it's a small little 1922 craftsman house of wood floors and, you know, needs some girly touches, but it's

like to get rid of the slimy gray stuff and get rid of the garbage buckets.

And that would, you know, make it even more presentable.

Patricia, do you think you're going to prevail in this case?

I did my research, I did my studying, you know, Legionella,

slime, funguses, all that kind of things that develop in standing water.

Even looking up like, you know, conservation actually can screw up your pipes and create odors.

It's creating odors in cities, so.

Yeah, that's why it's important not to conserve.

It's important to find the balance, is what I like to say.

So I'm not taking as water conservation away.

I would just like to

clean it up, sanitize it a little bit.

Dave, why is your peace so yellow?

Because you're taking a multivitamin?

I started, the reason I mentioned is I started taking a multivitamin.

The transformation is astonishing.

What was I not eating before?

I'm actually the one of us not taking multivitamins.

No, you take your hemp powder.

Oh.

I don't think that's making it, I don't think that would make it yellow, though.

I mean, even more yellow than that.

Dave, you think you're going to win this thing?

I don't think I have a chance in hell.

You really sealed the deal with that hemp powder thing there.

Holy moly.

You can see why I love her.

You just never know where the conversation's going to go.

The next case they bring is Dave arguing that carob tastes just like chocolate.

Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

You may be seated.

I had a very clear sense of where my ruling was going to fall on this one,

and there was almost no argument I could hear that would change my mind until I learned that Dave's father has a glass eye.

It was just that sort of non-sequitur ad hominem attack

that made me appreciate the hostility of a particular witness in this case.

Dave, I admire what you're doing.

I admire the intent of what you are doing.

You have created a need for extra water in a state with a precipitous drought.

Ooh, that's an oxymoron.

And

perhaps out of guilt, or perhaps out of a lot of extra time, you have come up with some plans to alleviate the need that you created.

I could order you to stop gardening and

no longer have the need for all the extra water, but even so, collecting that water and reusing it is a noble thing to do.

It is not noble to, and the same woman in the front row just applauded again.

Let the record show that she also applauded when I said the word carob.

That said, there is a difference between being responsible and being gross.

And

one has an equal responsibility to the larger community as to the community of two that you share.

You should be thoughtful to the larger community, but not gross to your partner.

When you start to

live, cohabitate part-time together, you are sharing more of yourself, intimacy, farting proximity.

And it's important to take care that

your other person see the very best side of you, not the very worst side of you that puts an old junk bucket of pinto beans in the shower

in order to throw it all over the garden later.

Or, for that matter, keep a bunch of standing water in your bathroom sink all the live-long day because no one wants Legionnaires' disease.

There might be someone who does, but no one here does, I'm pretty sure.

I, in no way, am going to order you to stop your habits of collecting water, but I am going to

find in favor of Patricia that you should do so more responsibly.

You should have a basin in your sink that you rinse out with hot water once you've gotten it hot and make sure that it's really rinsed out well and dried.

No standing water in your house.

And in the shower,

use a watering can, dumb-dum.

Like, just put a watering can in there, and then lift it out and take your shower, and then water your garden.

Tend to your garden.

That's what Candide said.

But why are you using tubs of bulk yogurt?

Stop being gross

and leave that thing in there when your glass-eyed dad comes around.

See what old Pappy Popeye has to say about that.

Own up to your weirdness.

That is one order of this court.

And the other order of this court is get a watering can.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

Dave and Patricia, thank you so much.

We'll be back in just a minute with more of our show recorded live at SF Sketchfast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother me for 15 years, and

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcast.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We we still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Bailiff Jesse, last year at Sketchfest, we tried a new experiment in justice, a thing called justice in 30 minutes or less.

We basically did a speed round, essentially, where I ruled on a whole bunch of disputes before a timer went off.

We set a 30-minute timer.

But

I'll explain it in terms that San Francisco audience can understand.

Sure.

We disrupted the justice industry.

And since we got $45 million of seed money as a result,

we just completed our Series B that we have already spent.

We've decided to do it again.

So, angel investors, listen up.

Justice delayed is justice denied.

30 minutes is too long.

So, we're going to do 20 minutes of swift justice here on stage this very moment.

How's it going to work, Jesse?

I think there are some folks out there who've brought disputes to this courtroom.

If you have a dispute, please line up in that aisle over there, right over there, as I'm indicating emphatically line up and we will see how many disputes we can take care of in the course of just 20 minutes no dispute too big or too small well there could be some that are too big for for 20 minutes we'll judge them all

all right do we have our first

Or do we have our first pair of litigants ready?

Yeah.

All right, I'm starting the timer.

20 minutes of swift justice begins now.

State your name.

My name is Sarah.

Sarah.

And I'm bringing this case against Joe.

Joe, what is the case?

Your Honor, I have just begun a three-week New Year's cleanse with a group of friends.

We have eliminated.

A friends cleanse?

A friends cleanse.

We have eliminated.

I mean, actually, I'm in the middle of a 20-year friends cleanse.

It's where I don't watch friends.

Yeah.

Just watch Seinfeld.

Yeah, yeah.

I cleansed all of my friends when I turned 40.

Bye-bye, dudes.

I'm staying home to watch television alone for the rest of my life.

All right, go on with your cleanse.

What's your cleanse involved?

We have eliminated gluten, soy, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, and refined sugar.

So,

bulk yogurt?

No dairy.

No dairy, right?

I guess even bulk?

Bulk quinoa?

So just carob.

This is the nothing but carob cleanse.

Raw cacao?

Yeah.

What do you eat?

I eat quinoa, chicken, vegetables, except for nightshade vegetables.

For what, what?

Except for what?

No too.

No, it grows in it.

Oh, no fruit of the deadly nightshade.

Alright, I understand.

True, that's poison.

That's Italian ethnic poison food.

Yes.

I understand.

All right, good.

This book is, this cleanse is based on a book written by a doctor.

Okay.

And it's supposed to.

Let it show for the record

that Joe pulled out a pair of the most derisive air quotes I've ever seen with regard to a doctor.

We'll get to you in a moment, Joe.

This cleanse is meant to eliminate toxins and reduce inflammation from the body, and I do it every January to make up for my year of eating pizza.

And how do you evaluate how many toxins you've eliminated?

Okay.

Joe, what's your problem with the fact that Sarah wants to to better her life by only eating quinoa?

Your Honor, I don't have any problem with the diet itself.

My problem is with the cult-like devotion with which the adherents of the diet like to talk about the diet.

How does the.

Well, you have the crowd.

You have the mob.

Everything to lose.

How does the code-like devotion express itself?

Do they wear jumpsuits?

Do they...

If only.

They wear red hats made of quinoa.

Yes.

Well,

I would like to comment that I am a professional scientist and doctor.

Yeah, no!

And doctor, and.

So is she.

And I am a resident expert on inflammation.

Is that your area of expertise?

It is my area of expertise.

You're an inflammation doc?

I have a PhD in immunology, and I direct an inflammation research group at a local biotechnology company.

When you say an inflammation research group,

do you just mean a weekly pizza party?

Pizza and garbage.

And

the adherents of this diet

often will have a

banquet to celebrate the end of the cleanse in which they proclaim the benefits of the cleanse and the pseudoscience behind it.

And I feel obligated as a scientist to weigh in on the scientific merit of the claims made by

do you feel obligated to weigh in as a scientist or just as a white dude?

As a pedant.

Ah!

Sarah, what does the banks say?

Tomato tomato, they're all deadly night shade.

Sarah,

what does the banquet consist of?

The celebratory banquet?

Is it just bulk yogurt and bacon?

Stinging nettles.

A lot of kale.

Oh, so it's still a cleanse banquet?

The celebration banquet at the end of the cleanse is a potluck, but it's not cleanse dinner.

We go back to eating pizza and garbage, and our spouses are invited.

And I'm asking you for an injunction against Joe lecturing my friends and myself on pseudoscience.

But he's an inflammation doc.

That is true.

And look, I'm not an inflammation doc.

But if you want to win this case, Joe, you have to turn to Sarah right now, your beloved, and say, baby, you're still pretty inflamed.

No problem.

Baby, you're still pretty inflamed.

I find in favor of Joe.

Next case, please.

Come on out, next case.

Let's do this.

This is Kristen and Brett.

Is that correct?

That's correct.

All right, Kristen and Brett.

Kristen, you bring this case

to this court.

Brett is doing something wrong in your mind.

What is Brett doing wrong?

Address that microphone directly, please.

My husband, Brett, respects no boundaries when it comes to his family members' food and beverage items.

I will often wake in the middle of the night, reach for my night water, and find it missing.

Brett has helped himself and left me...

Night water.

Sexy has left me high and dry.

That, by the way, is Bozgag's signature cologne.

Night water.

Okay, he drinks your night water, and then what else?

He will also eat my children's leftover burritos on a regular basis, causing much distress the next day when they were expecting a special, delicious lunch.

They were just trying to marinate the stump.

I know about that.

I'm from the Bay.

You can't eat the whole burrito in one sitting.

You've got to marinate the stump and eat the rest later.

Thank you, Jesse.

Marinate the stump?

Yeah, my boy Petey Frauenfelder came up with that shit.

You're talking about the burrito stump?

That's some deep mission wisdom right there.

It's got to sit.

You've got to marinate that stump.

Yeah.

He knows.

All right.

Ask Carlos Santana, he knows.

I think I understand.

Brett, let me ask you a question.

Why is it okay to steal from your children and eat their marinated stumps?

This is the one area in our household where suddenly somebody's carved out something that they believe is their own.

Everything else is shared in the house.

And suddenly, I make dinner for everybody.

Everybody sits on a couch, which is shared.

Everybody enjoys a home, which is shared.

Suddenly.

Everybody swaps clothes back and forth.

If they fit.

We all switch beds all the time.

My wife and I, just to be fair, we switch the side of the bed we sleep on every night.

I would just like...

Clothes.

I would like a culture in the household where the kids' immediate reaction to a lot of things, you know, toys included, whatever it might be, isn't mate,

that kind of thing.

And so this is one thing.

You want to

make sure to reinforce that.

No, I don't.

Because I think that when we say, well, this is a bit, this is your specific burrito.

So

how dare you eat the burrito?

I'm proud of it.

How dare you eat the burrito, Brett?

They took bites off.

That's encouraging.

How old are your children?

8 and 11.

Yeah, and you want to explain to them that they live in a socialist socialist burrito paradise.

Are you now or have you ever been a member of the San Francisco Communist Party?

The house is one special place that I think is one place where we can share things.

It's a haven for Bolsheviks.

But don't I follow?

Yeah,

the only place it works, maybe.

Did you want to make a slippery slope argument?

Definitely not.

No, okay, good.

Because I could have made a burrito joke then.

But that's fine.

And what would you want then, Kristen?

You want him to stop eating leftovers?

Yes, I would like you to order him to leave my children's burritos alone.

And to stop drinking your night water.

Stop drinking my night water.

Anything else?

That's it.

No more night water, no more leftovers.

Look, I understand, Brett, your impulse, because it is every dad's desire and usually prerogative.

to eat the food that has been abandoned by children.

Because it's a scientific scientific

fact

that food that has been abandoned by children has no calories.

Magically somehow.

But

that actually is in fact pseudoscience.

It should not be used to cover up

your greed any more

than

your weird leftist Billy Bragg song that you sung about

every burrito is a common treasury.

You should stop eating your children's burritos because those stumps need to marinate.

There's a reason why you're doing that.

Even before I heard marinate the stump, I'm like, yeah, those burritos taste better the next day.

And you're taking advantage of your children's patience.

You didn't even put in the work of eating the first unmarinated trash half of the burrito

and you're reaping all the benefit.

Now look, I understand.

you contribute,

you cook all the food, it sounds like, and you obviously, you know, you probably built the careers and whatever.

The point is,

your kids aren't contributing anything.

And it is okay for you to steal from them.

And if you had said, they didn't buy these burritos, I eat them, then I might be on your side.

But you're covering it up with all this bogus ideology.

I can't find in your favor on that.

And in terms of drinking night water,

that is among the most heinous husbandly crimes.

I mean, dude, pour yourself a glass of water before you go to bed.

She did the work.

When you wake up in the middle of the night and you need that glass of water, you need the glass of water immediately.

You're suddenly on the desert planet of Arrakis.

Not just Dune.

Thank you.

You would have gotten it.

I know, I was looking, I was like, oh my God, wait a minute.

Is that the guy who's going to get the Dune reference?

Yeah, he is.

But luckily, wrong case.

So in any case,

don't eat those burritos.

And Kristen, bring two glasses of water to bed.

One for him to drink and the other one for you to throw in his face when he does it.

Time for justice is running out.

Who's next on my Thunderdome?

What is your name, young woman?

My name's Deborah, and I'm bringing a case against my boyfriend Martin.

Martin, how are you?

I'm well, how are you?

What is the case?

The case is: I would like you to.

What part of Oakland are you from, Martin?

I'd like you to ask Martin to refrain from incessantly talking about how much better his home country of Australia is than the U.S.

Martin.

You are Australian?

I am Australian.

All right.

I've never known an Australian person to be vocal at an inappropriate time.

Seriously, though, folks, how about a hand for Yahoo Sirius joining us tonight?

Yahoo Sirius is here tonight, folks.

Where in Australia are you from?

A couple of hours south of Brisbane.

A couple of hours south of Brisbane.

Near Byron Bay on the coast.

Okay, and you like it better than San Francisco?

Yes,

and the United States.

Yes.

And

go home.

Problem solved.

What horrible curse is keeping you here?

Oh, well, Deborah's keeping me here.

Bye, Joe.

How did you guys meet?

In grad school.

Where did you go to grad school?

At the University of Arizona in Tucson, Arizona.

Oh, you went to the University of Arizona in Tucson, Arizona.

Yep.

Do you ever go to the Rialto Theater in Tucson, Arizona?

Yeah, that's a great theater.

Me too.

Okay, that was fun.

Anyway,

what did you study there?

I studied biology and Martin studied math.

Maths, do you say, in Australia?

Yes, maths.

Another reason your country is so great.

And so

you guys are not married.

No.

Right.

And so what brought you to the San Francisco Bay Area?

My work to start with, and then Deborah got a a job here as well.

Oh, okay.

So you are stuck here because of maths and Deborah.

You said your degree is in math?

Yes.

So you're a toll collector or?

I'm a data scientist.

Very nice.

So based on the data that you've collected,

what is better in Australia than here?

I have a list of, I think, seven points.

Okay.

Well, I think you're going to find a very welcoming crowd here.

So let's see what you've got.

Okay, the beaches are better.

The toilets are better.

Wait, did you say the bes are better?

Oh,

you know the bay got the best bes?

Football is better.

The voting system is better.

Okay.

I mean, it's really weird that I want to fight with you about sports.

But it is a different sport.

Yeah, so

Australian rules football, rugby league, rugby union, soccer, even, all of the.

All of the different things that are called football over there.

There's like five different footballs in Australia, and they're all better than the NFL.

And they're all better

than the NFL.

Yeah, the NFL.

The crazy part about this particular complaint is that Martin's specific problem with American football is that it stops too much, which is insane because his favorite sport is cricket, which like stops for

which never starts.

So I don't understand why he's honing in on that difference.

Okay, football stops too much.

How many do you get there?

I'm not, I don't have a degree in maths, so I wasn't counting.

Okay, um, the voting system is better in Australia.

What's better?

They have preferential voting, which allows third parties to grow up.

Okay.

Yeah, I accept that.

That's true.

The physical money is better, better sizes and colours.

We get it.

You listen to 99% invisible.

Radio joke.

Right, because the money there is made of plastic.

You can go surfing with it.

Let's turn it all on.

There's more countries of origins for TV shows, which leads to a higher quality on average.

I would have to see your data analysis on that.

I'd like to see your scatter graph on that.

And my final one is that McDonald's is better in Australia.

Given that that entire corporation is based on uniform grossness

How is it better, how is McDonald's better than in the United States?

It's just cleaner and got happier people, better food.

It's just overall better.

I saw an article a few years ago when Oprah visited Australia where she commented on this and I thought, oh yeah, I agree with Oprah.

Can I ask you a question?

How's the Oprah in Australia?

Stone cold.

Jesse wins again.

Well, of course you're entitled to your opinions, but Deborah, you want me to institute a gag order?

Well, I accept when I hear a particular comment one time, but I feel that I've heard kind of repeated instances of the same complaints against our beaches, et cetera, all these things on the list.

So I think one time is enough, and then...

Once it's registered, the data point has been established.

Exactly.

And Judge, I can offer you this again, just from my perspective as a native of San Francisco.

I think people who are from San Francisco are well known for traveling to other places and being completely magnanimous about those places' merits relative to San Francisco.

Well,

generally speaking, I would never rule to restrain someone's freedom of opinion and freedom of expression.

And obviously, Martin, you miss your homeland, and

you feel very sad that you can never go back

as much as we may encourage you to.

You're stuck here with a woman that you love and a job in maths that you

statistically

appreciate.

That said, you've got to stop eating a McDonald's, dude.

The fact that you're comparing McDonald's means you have no taste, and therefore, I find Endeavor's favorite.

Which is to say, Martin,

you may continue to have your opinions and express them, but just take it easy, dude.

You understand?

All right, good.

He gave me a traditional Australian hand signal that indicated yes.

Clacks on, clacks on, clacks on.

The timer is done.

That is it.

20 minutes of tests.

There are just a couple of verdicts.

For those who didn't get up here in time, you know who you are.

Yes, you need to brush your teeth twice a day.

You're a grown-up.

Yes, grilled cheese can have meat in it and still be a grilled cheese with, say, bacon or grilled cheese and tomato.

It doesn't become a different sandwich unless it's a tuna melt.

You should keep your rent control department in San Francisco and not move to Sausalito.

Come on.

And yes, obviously, hobos have to ride trains.

If they're not riding trains, they're bums.

Thus concludes Swift Justice.

What a thrill that was, Judge Hodgman.

I particularly enjoyed the part where the bailiff brought up Oprah.

It seems like you might, this might be a good time for you to take a rest.

Do you feel like you need to take a rest?

I do.

I need to take a nap.

Well, I've got good news.

We've got a musical guest here.

Yes, that's right.

We're going to introduce a friend of this court, a musician who has a new album due out on March 4th called what, Jesse?

A Man Alive.

A Man Alive.

She's going to be playing right here at the Fillmore in San Francisco.

Maybe you've heard of it on April 30th.

I'm deferring back to you.

I thought that was an applause line for April 30th.

Maybe you've heard of it.

April 30th.

Ladies and gentlemen, from town, the get-down, stay down, town when?

Yes!

Tao!

Thank you for being here.

John, it's my pleasure.

I'm just adding a little patter while you plug in your beautiful guitar.

Thank you so much.

Would you mind singing a song and then you'll sit down with us for a while and we'll talk and render some justice?

It would be an honor to render justice with you.

It's

a little courtroom humor and honor, get it?

Right?

Town Wen, ladies and gentlemen.

How

many heart

I do

like this

me clear

of all

I do

If by a third degree you feel the guilt for me Then I've been a villain all my life

And if by a melody you stay and sway with me Then I've been a salesman on the sideline

When we wake in the California lilies

there is a concrete stuck between

how we breathe,

why we die,

why we breathe, and where we die.

Who wouldn't hold a wounded bird with anger stuck in time?

Well, Well, I told you I would hold no more.

It weighed too much like mine.

You and I, then I alone.

You and I, then I alone.

You and I, then I alone.

You and I, then I alone.

Oh, kindness be conceived

when we wake in the California light.

There is a concrete stuff

between

how we breathe,

why we die,

what we breathe, and where we die.

Hold

me, heart

I've been

let loose

So

make clear

of all

I do

kindness be conceived

when we wake in the California light.

There is a concrete stuck

between

how we breathe,

why we die,

why we breathe, and where we die.

How about we bring our next litigants onto the stage?

Please welcome George and Tom.

George and Tom.

Tonight, a portrait of the artist as a weird dad.

George brings the case against his dad, Tom.

Several years ago, Tom began leaving random photos taped to the underside of George's bunk bed.

The images images surprise George when he gets into bed at night.

George thinks the images are weird and wants his dad to cease and desist.

Tom says that the images are beautiful and allow him to show his affection for his son.

Who's right?

Who's wrong?

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

I've always been a proud man, always wanted to make you proud of me.

You know, you made me feel like a giant, and that's how I want you to remember me.

I want everyone to know that I love them.

Bailiff Jesse Swear the Man.

Please raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God, or whatever, and address those microphones directly, please.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that while he has a triple bunk bed, he chooses to sleep on the floor below the bottom bunk?

I do.

I do.

Have you noticed that my friend Adam Katz from middle school is leading a weird insurrection of people who won't stand up right over here?

Probably not.

Thank you, Adam.

Very well.

Adam,

George and Tom, you may be seated.

Thank you for being here.

George, for our listeners at home who can't see you, how old are you?

I'm 15.

15 years old.

And

Tom, you're his father, I hope.

Yes.

Okay, good.

And when I learned that there was going to be a 15-year-old on this show,

I thought, well, the show starts at 10.

Let's make sure we put him on last.

For an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, can either of you name the person that I was quoting as I entered the courtroom?

Tom, you were brought to this court against your will, so you have first guess, or you can make your son guess first.

Which will it be?

I will take a wild guess.

All right.

And I'll say it's a character from the film Giant.

Interesting guess.

Because it had Giant in it.

Sure.

All right.

Fair enough.

I won't say whether that's right or wrong.

George, do you have a guess?

No.

No.

Baller move, George.

Normally at this point, I would bully the litigant into making a guess anyway, but given the amount of sullen heat coming off of your 15-year-old person, I'm starting to feel a little scared.

So

I'll simply say the guess was wrong.

The answer,

for reasons that will become clear as we discuss this case,

that was spoken

by actor Hervé Villachez.

It's actually from his suicide note.

Sorry to use a suicide note as the cultural reference, especially with a 15-year-old, but there aren't many good quotes about monk beds, it turns out.

But we'll talk more about Herve Villichez later, and hopefully the context will become clearer.

Speaking of the context, the point of this case, George, is that your father, Tom, is putting unwanted visual aids into your bunk bed as you fall asleep, things that you find startling and weird.

You know that this court has many precedents for letting weird dads do whatever they want.

What is it about these photos that you find disturbing, such that you want me to prohibit them from being there?

They're just really creepy.

Like, for example, there's like

overly made-up circus clowns, and

sounds beautiful so far.

And many, many ventriloquist dummies.

Did you say ventriloquist dummies?

Did I hear you correctly?

Ventriloquist dummies?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, the universal symbol of affection.

I proposed to my wife with a ventriloquist dummy.

Tom, why are you leaving pictures of ventriloquist dummies?

Now let me see if I understand this.

These photos are being left, these photos and illustrations and images are being left for you, George.

You sleep on the bottom bunk?

Yeah, that's correct.

Is there anyone in the top bunk, or are you a weird, only child like I was

who had a bunk bed just to show off?

I have an older brother.

An older brother.

Yeah.

So you're down there on the bottom bunk, and your dad puts these images

on the underside of the top bunk, so you have to stare at them as you fall asleep.

Yeah.

Okay.

Why are you doing this to your son?

Okay.

I'm not trying to be weird or different

or weirdly different.

I'm just like,

oh, here's a cool photo.

I bet George would like it.

Where are you finding

all these photos of ventriloquist dummies, sir?

Special catalogs that you've ordered.

One assumes he just goes to paternal attention

paternalaffectionpics.com.

Where do you find the images that you that you want to share with your son?

Okay, that's an excellent question.

The only kind I ask.

These are images that I just happened to encounter for whatever reason and I'm like, ooh.

That's cool.

Yeah, that's what you just said.

I asked a specific and I dare say excellent question.

Where are you sourcing these images?

On the internet?

Stand by.

I'll allow it.

Standing by.

Okay.

Judge Hodgman, are we accepting arguments in the form of ham radio transmissions?

Copy that.

10-4, good buddy.

I work for an airline as a flight attendant, and sometimes I'm gone for a long time.

Sometimes these flights are very long.

Go to Australia, it's about a 14-hour flight longer.

I read a lot of newspapers, and I'm like, ooh, that's kind of cool.

And I might clip that out,

and I'm like,

when I get home.

The circus clown pic ayune up there in the air.

These all coming out of the complimentary USA today?

No, that's just in Australia today.

It's the eighth reason Australia is better.

We have more circus clowns in our papers.

I have a whole binder here full of folds.

Oh, don't think I haven't clocked the binder you're holding.

And it's not just overly made-up clowns or

ventriloquist dummies, but

way do you see these dummies?

Good night.

I feel like I could walk out of that stage door

into the wilderness and never be seen again, knowing that my great contribution to culture was facilitating you saying, but wait till you see these dummies.

One of my most favorite moments of reality.

And the fact is, sir, we don't have to wait any longer

because evidence was submitted, which we are going to to put up on this screen

these are all images that you have placed in George's bed

first image please

Tom obviously we're recording this for podcast purposes so Tom, either you or I are going to have to describe for the listener what we're looking at.

Your Honor, I think the issue here is

how do I view it versus how does my son view it?

So, can we just say for the record what it is?

Because I'm looking at it, and even I'm not sure,

Your Honor.

It is a helmeted hornbill.

A helmeted hornbill.

Yes.

And this is that's science for Nightmare Bird.

And this is a a photo of an actual animal, not a monstrous puppet.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

This would be a great ventriloquist dummy, by the way.

I am sorry if

nature's glory offends you.

It does not offend me.

It does not offend me.

There are many hideous creatures in nature that I appreciate.

And it's not a hideous creature.

It's a beautifully ferocious monster.

Why did you choose this to

show to your son directly before he falls asleep?

Standby.

Stand by.

That's another excellent question.

It's kind of my thing.

This animal, as you can see from its helmeted hornbill,

is

unfortunately hunted for its bill, and it's actually more precious, more valuable than ivory.

And it's becoming

on the brink of extinction.

It's

indigenous to Malaysia and Borneo, I believe.

So,

of course, it's bizarre.

And I thought, well, let me put that up there.

And

then,

instead of him,

my ideal is instead of him coming and saying, as he always does, What is this?

Don't put this in my bed.

I would prefer that he would say, oh, wow.

Dad, tell me more about this curious bird.

Did you know that about the hornbill, George?

No, I had no idea.

Not until this moment?

No, they never told me.

just to clarify, this big fella's flapped through a few nightmares, right?

Let's go to the next image.

Now,

for the viewer at home,

for the listener at home,

this is a photo, it looks like from the late 60s, early 70s of a man with a unibrow and a very short bow tie smoking a cigarette in front of a Christmas tree.

Is this a relative of some kind or

uncle?

That is a Greek tailor.

For those listening at home, we did not edit anything out.

The silence that you heard after that is a Greek tailor, full stop, was intentional.

Apparently, Tom believes that's the only context I need.

George, did you know this was a Greek tailor when you saw it in your bed?

Nope.

Okay, next image.

Next image, please.

George, just to clarify.

Now, this is a great work of art.

This is Jean-Michel Basquiat.

Right.

Yes.

So

I can, you know.

Would you characterize it as one of his more nightmarish works?

Yes, well.

The point, anyhow, as you said, it's a beautiful work of art.

Yes.

And I wanted to show them that.

That I understand.

Shall we get back to Greek Taylor for a second?

What was the Greek tailor?

It's kind of a long story, but you asked where.

It doesn't have to be.

Once upon a time in Greece, there was a boy whose father was a tailor.

You asked, where do do you get these images from?

Sometimes magazines, newspapers.

Sometimes from the internet.

Now I used to live in a town and I knew this guy.

He was a Greek tailor.

Is that a picture of him?

That is a picture of him.

Oh, okay.

Phew.

Anyhow, somehow, I looked him up.

and there was a

whole photo album of his photos and I went back and back and back and I'm like wow this guy is like the quintessential 1974 Greek tailor

at Christmas time.

You're right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm really that old stereotype.

Judge Hodgman, I think that more than anything else this speaks to the deficiencies of the common core.

They're like, when are children learning about

prototypical Greek tailors?

You know what, Jesse, your tie is shorter than a Greek tailor at Christmastime.

Sorry.

I simply don't understand the rest more.

All right, next image.

For those of you listening at home, this is a publicity still from the television show Fantasy Island, featuring Ricardo Montoban as mysterious Mr.

Rourke and his assistant tattoo, played by Herve Villachez, but in this case, he's wearing a bald wig and his whole head has been painted green and he looks like an alien.

This needs no explanation.

I would put this in my own son's bedroom, of course.

Next image.

Now,

correct me if I'm wrong,

Tom.

This image to me looks like

me on my birthday.

What's up?

A hairless rodent of some kind.

I don't know if it's a naked.

It's not a naked mole rat, is it?

I think that's what it is, yes.

Yeah, okay.

It's reclining

on what looks like a little naked mole rat-sized armchair in a rec room, and it's covered by an Afghan, and he's got kind of a self-satisfied grin.

Yeah, I mean, Judge Hodgman, I think it's fair to characterize this naked mole rat as cheesin'.

Your boy's definitely cheesin'.

Tal of town, the get-down, stay down.

You're still here with us, and I've noticed you've been appropriately speechless this entire time.

Standing by.

I have one question to clarify.

From my angle, I can't tell.

Is that a cigar in

the written hairless rodent smell?

Do you see what I'm seeing, Jesse?

Is there a cigar in the naked mole rat?

No, I think that's...

What is that?

That's just how their faces be.

Yes.

You might be confused by the naked mole rat's terrifying long fingernails that are brown with dirt from digging.

I don't think it's smoking a cigar, but

why not, after all?

He definitely subscribes to cigar aficionado.

The thought behind this one, Tom?

Just looks cool.

Yeah.

Do we have any more?

Do we have any more?

Next one?

Yeah.

So this is an image of,

it looks like some kind of figurine of a small Asian,

well I want to say boy, but

it looks like a Jeff Kuntz sculpture of Kim Jong-un.

Yeah.

And also a post-it message from father to son saying, George, you look good.

You do look good, George.

You do look good, George.

Yeah.

So, and anything you want to say about this one, Tom?

Yeah, two things.

Yeah, sure.

I believe believe this is a piece of artwork from Taiwan

and sometimes I just like to stuff beans up George's nose and that's what this is.

Like, hey, check it out.

It's a classic example of him stuffing beans up George's.

So you're just teasing your son with his good nose.

Stuffing beans up his nose, Judge Hodman.

Are you even listening?

I understand weird dad talk, as do you, but I'm trying to explain for a listener at home who may not understand what stuff beans up your nose means.

Tow, that's rock and roll slang, right?

Say it all the time.

Did you have any thoughts about this one, George?

When you saw this, did you feel like you got your nose bean stuffed?

No, I didn't think my nose was stuffed with beans.

I just saw

a picture of a shiny boy

and a note that says, you look good.

And I do not appreciate that.

Next image.

So this is an artist I don't know.

This is an image, it looks like Dean Martin reaching out to hug you, George.

Tom, can you tell me what I'm seeing here?

Yeah, same sort of thing.

I'm like, oh man, that's cool.

And it's green.

I like the color green.

And he looks, you know, welcoming.

There's no threat to this.

Is this an artist that I should know?

No, I just happen to find it in a newspaper.

When you're at a point when you're actually evaluating each one, is there any threat to this one?

And is there another image, or are we at the end?

Next image.

This is one of those clowns.

This is a again a clown smoking a cigarette.

Third image smoking a cigarette.

And the next image,

and this is,

it looks like a comic book featuring Micro Mysterio el

Ventrilo, I can't say it,

and this is apparently a comic book about evil ventriloquist dummies.

Italian?

Spanish.

Spanish.

I believe it's from Mexico.

Okay, very good.

Is that a representative sampling?

Not enough Herve Villichez, but yeah.

Have you done more of Herve Villichez?

A couple more, yeah.

What is your interest in Herve Villichez that you want to share with George?

Because I'm going to say this right now, Tom.

Yeah.

You have a lot of messages you're trying to convey to yourself.

And

I like that a lot.

And I like a lot of the messages that you're conveying.

But I'm not sure George is getting the message.

Right, exactly.

Because he's just seeing the photo.

He didn't know about the story of the Hornbill.

Right?

So, hey, come on, talk to me about the Hornbill or Herve Villiche.

ever if you're ever disturbed by anything you see please come talk to me and if you're not disturbed let me help you

right if you never see something disturbing i'm gonna be there for you right now i'm imagining like george's certitude that these are gonna lead to conversations like he takes uh he takes a picture of a clown crying blood or whatever and he tapes it to his boy's bunk bed and then he just goes back into the living room, turns a chair backwards, and sits astride it, like, let's rap.

Like, you and me are gonna connect.

George,

why do you have a problem with this, honestly?

Because

you know your dad, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Look, I know you're 15 years old and you're a dude, but you love your dad, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Of course.

So, you know, he's clearly trying to share something with you.

And your dad's got pretty eclectic and weird and deep taste.

And yet, you want this to stop.

Do I understand that?

Yeah,

because they're not

like, I can see how he might think they're interesting, but I have my own opinion too.

So I don't want to crawl into bed, like when I'm really tired, and just look up and see something like creepy birds staring at me when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Well would you prefer to have up there a Cheryl Teaks poster?

Because I bet your dad has that too.

Would you prefer there to be nothing there?

Maybe like a poster of my choice of something I like.

Like what?

What do you like?

The Golden State Warriors.

Yeah, that's a tough.

The dubs.

Are they like the Power Rangers?

I've never heard of that show.

Is that a good one?

Look, guys, I'm from the Bay.

I know about the Warriors.

Who would you choose?

Probably Sharunis Marshalonis, right?

No.

No.

George, does it terrify you to imagine that your son might look at a sports poster instead of a poster of obscure ventriloquist dummies and clowns?

That does not terrify me.

He has a lot of

Golden State Warriors paraphernalia all over his wall.

Right.

The other walls and the door, that's cool.

So let's just leave that space above the bunk bed for me.

That's daddy's special place.

I beseech you.

All right.

George, do you have anything else you would like to say before I render my decision?

No, I think I'm done with this case.

Tom?

I guess I would say that,

you know, it's my job to educate my son.

And

if you go out to a restaurant with him,

with your child, and you're like, hey, try this, try these Brussels sprouts.

Well, I don't want to try them.

It's like, just try them.

It's the same, my same approach with these images and with artwork.

It's the equivalent of basically putting a cooked Brussels sprout sprout in his bunk bed so that it falls into his mouth while he sleeps.

I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go over in my chambers and sit in my chair made of beautiful hornbill tusk.

And I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise as Judge Sean Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Tal, this is some shit, right?

This is.

Can we say that in your podcast?

No, but I just did because I'm overwhelmed.

This is some shit.

This is a fire hose.

I had a dad.

I wish I was a little bit younger and then that Tom could adopt me.

Because I think that's really sweet.

As someone who travels a lot for work, I understand that you want something there in your stead, especially for your son to

remember you fondly by or be terrified by at night.

But George, do you see your dad's point in that, you know, you...

Yeah, I don't take down everything.

Some stuff stuff I keep.

What's the best thing you got, George, from your dad that he taped up to give you nightmares?

The best thing?

Probably the mole rat.

It is really.

All right, fair enough.

Well, we'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom.

You may be seated.

Hervey Villichez was an interesting dude, wouldn't you say, Tom?

Yes.

He was a very conflicted, very tortured man.

He was born under Nazi occupation in Paris, moved to New York by himself when he was 21, not speaking English.

He had already studied to be a painter and was an accomplished painter and photographer before he fell into acting.

He acted in off-Broadway plays with Sam Shepard, and then he co-starred in movies with William S.

Burroughs, all before he got this job in the James Bond movie, and then obviously Fantasy Island, which made him this international superstar, but

an object of some ridicule occasionally used on the show to portray a weird alien, among other things.

But he was a painter, and then of course he killed himself in 1993

when he was 50 years old.

But before that, he continued to paint and he also gave art to people.

He gave a painting to Greta Garbo, which was just sold by her estate in 2012.

Here it is, it's the next image.

There it is.

That's a painting that Herve Villichez gave to Greta Garbo.

I don't know if he put it on her bunk bed.

And I don't know if she liked it, but she kept it because it was a work

of personal expression as much as it was a gift.

You know, as I travel around the country, I'm often very happy to receive works of personal expression from fans, people who have knitted for me hot dogs that say this is not a hot dog on it, and that sort of thing.

And illustrations and so forth, and sometimes profoundly unflattering illustrations of me.

And yet I keep,

and they're sometimes intense, you know, and hard to deal with because they sometimes express

feelings that you don't quite know how to process.

But they're gifts that mean that someone else is thinking about you.

Now, George, you're at a time in your life when you don't want your dad to be thinking about you all the time.

You're 15 years old, you're trying to create a private space in your life and investigate your own weird interests that may or may not include ventriloquist dummies, dad.

And so I appreciate why you want to clear out this space, particularly as you go into the most private space that any human can occupy, the falling asleep time and the waking up time, you know.

But in your petition, you asked to be able to throw these things away instead of put them on your dad's desk as he asked you to do.

And I'm going to say to you, you don't want to throw these things away.

They're weird.

They're scary.

They're intense.

Just like your dad, who is,

those of you listening can't see.

He's really giving me a stare right now.

These are things that you will want to have later in your life, even if right now they're terrifying and weird to you.

So I, first of all, I'm ordering you to keep these things.

It sounds as though I'm going to order you to also tolerate your dad putting these things under your bunk bed anymore, but I can't allow that anymore, sir.

That's a private space for George.

That bunk bed,

that's an inner sanctum for him.

And as much as it's fun for weird dads to shove beans up their kids' noses, Especially as they're getting older and more independent and you want to really just remind them, if I'm the boss, I'm going to eat your burrito and I'm going to show you a picture of Herve Villichez, just like I did when you were a baby.

What you need to do is you need to take one Golden State Warrior poster off your wall and get a bulletin board for your dad to put up his weird pictures, and then

You have to go to your dad and say, why this now?

Why this weird thing?

And you can't be coy about it.

You have to say to him, This is why I put this up there.

Maybe even write him a note.

And don't stop beans up his nose.

If you're going to do this, take it seriously.

I find in favor, sort of, of George and sort of of Tom, and all the way in favor of Herve Villichez.

Rest in peace.

This is the sound of the gavel.

Judge Shaw.

Georgian time, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, George and Tom.

I think we have time for one more song from Tao.

Are you prepared to play and sing one?

Tao says, Yes, ladies and gentlemen, San Francisco's number one rock star, Tao Wen of Tao and the get-down stay-down.

Upon my return from the age of ice,

I suppose

I would survive

I remember

you

with an end or two free of hands

without device

Slowly we all lay down

Slowly we all lay down

What of all

the stone I invented

to coat my hands and face

I was made of machine

and gasoline filled up for

on just a taste

No, no, I wasn't born to break such bonds

Never would I prepare the leap

No, no, I wouldn't dare dare ever love you more

than you would dare believe

Slowly we all lay down

Slowly we all lay down

Slowly we all lay down

Slowly we all lay down

Lay down, lay down

It takes a fine imagination

and sound technology

to let loose the cold amnesia

over all

the blood that beats

Slowly we all lay down

Slowly we all lay down

Slowly we all lay down

Slowly we all lay down

lay down,

lay down.

Upon my return from the age of ice,

I supposed I would survive

Tao Wen is the front woman of the band Tao and the Get Down Stay Down.

Their new record, A Man Alive, is out March 4th.

For more information and to find a tour date near you, check out TaoandThegetDownStayDown.com.

That's Tao, spelled T-H-A-O.

She is so cool.

Her music is so cool.

She is just the greatest.

You should really go to TaoandthegetdownStayDown.com and find out more about her.

Seriously, she's the best, and her records are so great.

Thanks to Arlen Golden and Sean Hickson for suggesting our case names this week, and thanks to everyone who came out to our show this year, and to all of our litigants, the staff at the Marines Memorial Theater, the organizers of SF Sketchfest, and Michelle Mitchell and Julia Smith for making this possible.

The show is edited by Mark McConville.

You can submit your own disputes, and you should submit your own disputes at maximumfund.org/slash JJ H O.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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