GETTING THROUGH DIVORCE WITH LIFE & DIVORCE COACH ADRIANNA ONUBOGU

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Speaker 6 My guest today, Adriana Onobogo, is a life and divorce coach who helps women navigate life and love after divorce.

Speaker 6 After going through a divorce of her own, she has dedicated her life to helping women rediscover themselves, build a new life, and use their divorce as a blueprint to find the love of their lives.

Speaker 6 I've been through it. I know so many people out there go through it.
Or if you are in a horrible relationship, you don't see a way out, this might be the perfect episode for you.

Speaker 6 I hope her words are empowering. She's incredible.
Her energy is amazing. And the link to her work is also connected to this audio episode.
I hope you guys enjoy it.

Speaker 6 And remember, there is always a way out and there is always a new life out there waiting for you. Don't ever, ever, ever stay stuck in a happy relationship.
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Speaker 6 adriana welcome to caron de la

Speaker 6 march all the way from atlanta right yes ma'am atlanta it's a huge pleasure having you here on the show as i was telling you before we got started i'm a huge fan of your work Thank you so much.

Speaker 6 I really appreciate it. And I think we're going to talk about a topic today that is no joke.

Speaker 6 It's so important it affects millions of people not just women millions of people all over the world divorce right yeah oh my goodness yes i think it's fair to say that when we get into a relationship when we get into a marriage we are hoping that it's forever and unfortunately for a lot of us i've been through it you've been through it

Speaker 6 It's not always the case. And I think for a lot of people, because the divorce rate in the United States is super high, right? It is very much so.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 So, just for background, like rewinding a little bit, for people that never listened to Carondeleuz, and maybe if you don't know my story, I was married for 14 and a half years.

Speaker 6 Um, and my husband was very, very wealthy. And as the years went by, the more money he made, the more he drank.
He started drinking, drinking, drinking.

Speaker 6 He became an alcoholic, and then he started being very abusive. He was extremely abusive verbally, and which sometimes is more hurtful than

Speaker 6 physical abuse, but sometimes he was physically abusive as well. And it took me, and a lot of people asked me, why didn't you leave? Why didn't you leave? Why did you leave?

Speaker 6 And this is going to be my first question to you. I think a lot of people who are in bad marriages, whether it's abusive or not, it's a process to leave.
It's not easy, right?

Speaker 6 Especially if you love someone. You keep coming up with excuses in your mind like, oh, he's going to change for me.

Speaker 6 And I him it's not like you say oh he's an ass so goodbye i'm gonna leave it's really hard right adriana it is extremely hard as someone who's been through a divorce and who also coaches women um who've gone through a divorce as well i have to say that looking back and even when i talk to my clients and they're reflecting most of the women who've gone through divorce that i've met they never married the man that got away they married the man who they should have never been married to, but for some reason, they tried to force it to work.

Speaker 6 A lot of it has to do with us leading with our hearts. Yes.
Yes. I think it was my case, like, especially because I was very young.
I got married very young, like in my early 20s.

Speaker 6 And I remember, now looking back, I think I was crazy and experienced. I was always a slow learner.

Speaker 6 I think to this day, I'm finally becoming a little more mature.

Speaker 6 But looking back, I remember I used to always say that in my mind, like, oh, but he loves me. He's going to change for me.
He's going to change for me. He loves me.
I think a lot of women do that.

Speaker 6 We make excuses for our partners, right? Because we think they love us and they're going to change for us. Yeah, we do.
We have this wishful thinking.

Speaker 6 We go blind.

Speaker 6 Red flags turn orange and we just choose to say, no, no but for me he's gonna change or this or maybe it's me maybe I'm asking for too much or maybe I'm being unreasonable and eventually we get to a point where we're like I'm not crazy this isn't gonna work yeah but does that do you think that ever happens that whatever it is like I'm not saying in my case of course it was abuse and I don't believe I think if somebody calls you names

Speaker 6 and they apologize and they do it again and again and again,

Speaker 6 I don't think that's a cycle that can be broken, at least in my case. But do you think in general someone's behavior can be changed or that's like a huge waste of time? I believe it can be changed.

Speaker 6 It can be.

Speaker 6 And one of the reasons why is because I am the product of having to change my own behavior because sometimes people don't realize that the behavior that they are exhibiting is bad behavior if that's what they're accustomed to.

Speaker 6 I feel like it does take you respecting either yourself or someone else enough to actually reflect and see how you could be doing something wrong to then say, you know what?

Speaker 6 Okay, I didn't think this was a wrong thing. Everyone I know does this.
This is normal. But this person keeps saying that I'm hurting them when I do this.
So I have to choose.

Speaker 6 to change that behavior or I can make excuses and say, well, this is just how I am.

Speaker 6 I feel that when people mature and they really meet someone that they respect, even if they respect that other person more than they respect themselves, something prompts them to say, I need to change my behavior.

Speaker 6 I am remarried, and I can guarantee you that my first husband will probably describe me very differently than my second husband.

Speaker 6 I have not remarried yet. I have not found my right person, but that hold on.
We're going to get there. We're going to get there.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 First, we're talking to the people who are still in unhappy relationships because I know there's so many, and I know a lot of them stay in these unhappy relationships because they don't gather the

Speaker 6 famous courage to get the hell out. Like I was saying, for me, it was a process that took me many, many, many years.
So many years to say, finally, you know what? I cannot take this shit anymore.

Speaker 6 I don't care about the money. I don't care about my family.
I don't care about anything. Like I told you, I was with, I put up with it for 14 and a half years.

Speaker 6 And I know there are a lot of people, I get messages from people from all over the world, men and women. They put up with marriages for 20 years, 25 years.

Speaker 6 And they're like, oh, you know, I don't know where to go. I don't know how to say bye.
I have a guilt trip.

Speaker 6 So if anybody out there listening, that they literally cannot take it anymore, but they don't have the courage.

Speaker 6 Do you have any suggestions like in terms of what would be a first step or how do you get, how do you build it up?

Speaker 6 Yes, I struggle with this as well. And

Speaker 6 I

Speaker 6 was lucky enough to be able to end it before it got worse. But I could see it getting to that point, but it was still very difficult for me to do that myself.

Speaker 6 And I remember going through the process, similar to you, I'm sure, of thinking all these things and going back and forth. I had kids, you know, I established a certain type of life.

Speaker 6 I was trying to do the things. So I would tell someone who is really sure

Speaker 6 that this is a situation that cannot be fixed. I would tell them, would you rather

Speaker 6 be in a position where you are

Speaker 6 worse off or you cannot recognize yourself? Or would you rather cut your losses now? Because all that's going to happen is you're going to build more memories. There's going to be more pain.

Speaker 6 It makes it more difficult the longer it takes you to go. So you have to be selfish in this moment.
And whether you're a man or a woman, you have to be selfish. Sometimes we stay for the kids.

Speaker 6 Sometimes we stay because of businesses. Sometimes we stay because of whatever the case might be.
But do you want to be able to recognize the person that you are?

Speaker 6 If you do, you have to be selfish and say, I cannot. tolerate this anymore because I won't be able to recognize myself.

Speaker 6 The journey of getting back to yourself after however long it takes you to leave is going to be much more difficult. Yeah.
The longer you care more about their feelings than you care about your own.

Speaker 6 And I think,

Speaker 6 I'm going to be honest with you, my opinion, I don't even think it's being selfish. I think it's self-preservation.

Speaker 6 I actually, I can agree to that, but I don't see how some people might only be able to associate it with being selfish if they're so used to being selfless. Yeah, Yeah, no, it's like

Speaker 6 this is a good time to be selfish.

Speaker 6 And like you mentioned, if you have kids, I didn't have kids, it was literally just me, but like in your case, you did have kids.

Speaker 6 Obviously, a lot of people say, I have kids, and then, of course, it makes it a million times harder to leave. And the financial burden, especially when it comes to women.

Speaker 6 So many women make the stupid mistake. I made the stupid mistake.
I stopped working because he convinced me. He didn't like me to work.
He convinced me to be more and more dependent on him.

Speaker 6 He was very possessive. Now looking back, I realize that.
And

Speaker 6 for 14 years, I barely worked. So yeah, I was scared, you know, a little bit.

Speaker 6 I was like, although I always loved working, but I know a lot of women are home taking care of their kids, raising their kids.

Speaker 6 And they're like, okay, I want to leave, but where am I going to go? What am I going to do? What do they do in this situation?

Speaker 6 Honestly, this is something that I talk to my clients about who are in transition.

Speaker 6 A lot of times, most of the women that are in transition literally go through everything you just said-down to the kids, not working,

Speaker 6 but having experience, but years before, and they don't know what to do. My best

Speaker 6 recommendation is

Speaker 6 to plan. This is not something that you can do out of emotion.
Now, this is planning for your life and your livelihood. You have to really think about, okay, I'm going to leave.

Speaker 6 So what is it that I need? What, what,

Speaker 6 how, how am I going to live? There are some women who are able to start doing things while they're within the marriage to prepare themselves financially as in

Speaker 6 squashing up their resume and getting themselves back out there, talking with friends, starting to go connect and do more meetings and things like that starting a business on the side some of the women that i coach and teach i teach them how to start a virtual call center business so that they can work for themselves at home and that's something that i also did as well as i had became a single mom with three kids going through that transition you can't act on emotion as much as you might want to in this situation this is the true time to be logical about your livelihood, especially not just yours, but your kids, if you have them as well.

Speaker 6 Oh my God, I totally agree. And hoping for me,

Speaker 6 I'm a podcaster that I highly, highly try to empower women to be financially independent. And this is why I talk about my mistakes of letting go of my career and depending on my husband.

Speaker 6 I hope that women out there listening to us, don't do it. Even if you marry a multi-millionaire, it's not worth it.
Exactly. Don't give up completely.

Speaker 6 Like you said, even if you have to work from home, a side job an online business a side gig it's always a great idea to have a plan b because you never know if you're gonna need it in the future right absolutely i don't care if you instacart that was something i've been doing i it's the cart i door dash oh my god same

Speaker 6 i did all of it just to to have some type of control over my life again and my finances because I was a woman that worked, but I watched my life and livelihood dwindle in my marriage.

Speaker 6 And I was like, wow, how did I get here? I don't have anything anymore. I need to start rebuilding.
Luckily, I bought my home when I was 21 years old. So prior to me getting married.

Speaker 6 So when it was all said and done, I did still have my home that I could at least say, at least I got something and I'm able to work some things out.

Speaker 6 But Instacart was my best friend because I needed to see money coming in. I needed to figure out what can I do.
I have three kids. So I agree.

Speaker 6 My husband is a software engineer and has made great money, but that has nothing to do with me.

Speaker 6 Like I've always been the type of person that wants to have my own, especially because life happens, whether it's divorce or whatever the case might be.

Speaker 6 As women, we have to be able to take care of ourselves. Oh my God.
And I love that you're putting it out there and you're being so honest because I am like you and there is no shame in my game.

Speaker 6 I have college degrees. I always worked.
I speak many languages. But once I got divorced and my husband passed away, my life turned upside down.
And I'm not kidding you. I lost everything I had.

Speaker 6 I literally left with nothing. Like I had no money in the bank.
I lost all my assets. I lost like the clothes off my back.
And I'm like, okay, I got to start over.

Speaker 6 And say, and I was probably a little luckier because I didn't have kids. I had dogs.
But I'm like, I did the same thing.

Speaker 6 I did in the Instacart, Instacart, but similar, like DoorDash, pantsitting, you name it, every gig that people would throw at me. I was like, you know what? I'm so grateful.

Speaker 6 I'm not embarrassed to say it at all.

Speaker 6 Why? Because I think any work, as long as you're doing it and you're supporting yourself, it's very honorable, right? Anything to rebuild. I mean, we're not stealing.

Speaker 6 We're not doing anything wrong.

Speaker 6 And I want to empower women out there because believe me, Adriana, sometimes I get messages from women that they tell me, oh, you know, I'm getting beat up or this guy is abusing me, but he's paying the bills.

Speaker 6 Where am I going to go? And I like stories like mine and yours because we are proof that there is always something out there that you can do to pay your bills. I a thousand percent agree.

Speaker 6 And I could care less how

Speaker 6 I looked.

Speaker 6 When it came to me doing Instacart, I found peace in doing things like that.

Speaker 6 Exactly.

Speaker 6 And you know i really think it also has a lot to do with perspective because i was definitely at a very low low to where i'm couch surfing for change and i'm someone who had her degree and i bought a house and i did all these things and then my life it was like what the hell like what what happened yeah

Speaker 6 i chose to have the perspective when i started doing instacart and door dash and Uber Eats and all those things, I would deliver things to people's homes and I would see beautiful homes and say to myself, I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to get to that point

Speaker 6 by myself. I love it.
Without anyone having anything over my head or feeling like they could say, I did this for you. I'm going to get back and be better than I was before.

Speaker 6 And I'm going to get to where someone is delivering me.

Speaker 6 That's the spirit. I love it because I was the same.
Like a few years ago, I remember walking around,

Speaker 6 even because I live in Beverly Hills and I was literally living on an airbnb and at one point i thought i was going to end up homeless because i was running out of money i didn't have a job i didn't have any money no family no friends nothing i'm not kidding you and i remember looking around same thing around christmas time and i told those people and i'm like you know i don't know how the

Speaker 6 pardon my french i'm gonna do this but i'm gonna have a home again for me and my dogs and i think that's very empowering when you figure out you can do it so i I like that that's a beautiful message.

Speaker 6 Anyone out there listening, if you are going through a bad relationship, there is always a way out, and you never know what's on the other side.

Speaker 6 Because look at you today, you are happily married, right? And you have an amazing life, amazing career. You turn your life around, and same for me.
I'm not happily married yet,

Speaker 6 but I'm doing everything that I love, and we are proof that we can

Speaker 6 turn things around.

Speaker 6 It's possible.

Speaker 6 I don't care what any other podcast social media airwaves have to say it is absolutely possible and i will say although your situation is crazy and traumatic i'm really glad that you didn't have kids with them oh my god i'm really glad that you were able to really start over yeah because one of the a very difficult thing is starting over and having the the reminders yeah through your kids and they hit their actions and yes you know so many different things i'm so glad that you were able to preserve um that part of you oh my god yeah and so that's now turning the page that's the next thing we're gonna talk about once you do leave the marriage okay like me and you and so many people out there we live broken right like i was in a million pieces in my case i was told for 15 years that I was a useless piece of shit.

Speaker 6 No joke. I used to write a diary.
And like now, sometimes I read the diary pages back, like the words he used to describe me. Like, think about all the most horrible words like

Speaker 6 you can think of. I was called.
And for 15 years, you start believing that you are a worthless piece of shit, right?

Speaker 6 And it's very hard to to believe again that you're not, that you're capable of doing things. And like many women, they leave marriages broken for different reasons.
Some women get cheated on. Yep.

Speaker 6 Or men, let's talk about men as well, right? Men get cheated on, and or for whatever reasons, you know, you leave a marriage, broken trust, or whatever it is, and then we feel shattered.

Speaker 6 So those first steps are really, really hard.

Speaker 6 So that's a tough question, but you tell me if there's an answer.

Speaker 6 How do you pick up the pieces? How do you, any words of encouragement? Maybe somebody out there is going through this now. Okay, I got divorced, but I am so heartbroken.

Speaker 6 How do I pick up the first pieces?

Speaker 6 I would absolutely have to say that

Speaker 6 the first thing to do is going to seem so simple, but it's truly accepting what just happened. It's accepting it.

Speaker 6 A lot of times when things like that, when we go through things like that as women, and I'm sure men experienced this too.

Speaker 6 We try our best to avoid feeling everything because we don't know what that's going to do to us mentally and emotionally. So we kind of dive into work, right?

Speaker 6 We dive into something to keep us from having to focus on what just happened, but that actually prolongs

Speaker 6 our ability to just heal and grow and actually start picking up the pieces. When you act like there are no pieces to pick up, it causes

Speaker 6 a much more difficult experience for you to move on. I highly suggest accepting the reality, accepting that this just happened.

Speaker 6 That's, it's real, and be vulnerable with how that makes you feel if you're angry. I can't tell you how many times in my mind I was like, I wish he would get hit by a car.
Oh my God.

Speaker 6 Can he just get hit by a car?

Speaker 6 I was so angry. I was so upset.
I was also very sad. Yeah.
I was also frustrated.

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Speaker 6 Not just for me, but for my kids, because I told myself, I thought we were supposed to have this two-parent households. I thought all of the things that you start thinking about everything.

Speaker 6 Go through that process. The longer it takes you to go through that process, the longer it will be for you to heal.
Yeah, I think as cheesy as it seems, I think it's time, right? Time heals.

Speaker 6 I think sometimes people rush into other things or they think it's an overnight process. At least for me, it took me many years, like many years

Speaker 6 to

Speaker 6 get over it, get used to it and realize that, you know, I'm completely happy on my own, which I think is a big important part of the process that a lot of people forget, right?

Speaker 6 Some people are so dependent in relationships, they forget that you need to be completely happy on your own. You do.
Right. I think that's very empowering.

Speaker 6 At least for me, the day that I realized that I am so happy with my life and my projects and my dreams was the day that I was like, you know what? I'm proud of myself.

Speaker 6 I made the right decision for myself. And I think a lot of women, I say women more than men, because women, when they get divorced, they're like, oh my God, what am I going to do?

Speaker 6 I need to find another partner. Do you see that a lot? Yeah.
Yeah. Men have no problem with that part.
I know. Guys are like, oh, yeah, I'm going to enjoy my life.
Yeah, I'm the free.

Speaker 6 I have no problem with that part.

Speaker 6 You know what it is? As women, we, when we go through something,

Speaker 6 a lot of times we really feel it and we take the time to process it.

Speaker 6 It's only when we try to do the opposite and honestly act like a man and try to be detached and try to do all the things like a guy or like we think guys do, where it makes it just.

Speaker 6 not natural but i feel in our core when we feel something we feel it we process it, and it takes time.

Speaker 6 I know a lot of my clients will ask me, well, how long should it take for me to baby again or to do this or to do that? And there's no set time limit.

Speaker 6 But what I will say is that when you start realizing that your life is not over and that you can do this on your own and by yourself, it does give you a completely different sense of like empowerment.

Speaker 6 and feeling strong again and being able to trust yourself again and knowing that you you got this.

Speaker 6 It didn't destroy you, it was never going to destroy you, and it turns you into a better version of yourself because the wisdom that you gain from going through something like that, you are less likely to make the same decision again if you work through what just happened to you.

Speaker 6 Hopefully, we're going to make a smarter decision with the next partner.

Speaker 6 I know maybe I am so peaky, so piggy, so picky that I can't make the decision.

Speaker 6 I don't know. I don't know.
Hopefully, one of these days I will. But I saw that you wrote something on your social media a while ago that piqued my interest.

Speaker 6 You wrote that divorced men are the best men to date. Yes.
But wait, that's my question. Okay.

Speaker 6 I think

Speaker 6 it could be true, but right after they get divorced, I think they need a longer period

Speaker 6 of just having fun.

Speaker 6 I and I tell you, like my experience, um, two years ago, I started dating someone that he told me he was going through a divorce, and he looked me in the eyes and he was like, I'm very ready for another relationship.

Speaker 6 That's it, you're the girl for me.

Speaker 6 And he was so certain, he reassured me so much

Speaker 6 that I believed him, you know,

Speaker 6 although I wasn't even sure if he was the guy for me. But he seemed so certain that although the red flag, like, oh, he's still going through a divorce.

Speaker 6 And sure enough, a few months into it, he was like, ah, that's not what I want. And then

Speaker 6 he was still on bumbo, you know, playing the, he was, yeah, he was still playing, having fun with all the girls.

Speaker 6 So I think men usually need a longer period of feeling free once they go through the divorce than most women before they're ready. Do you agree? I think it depends on the man.
So I

Speaker 6 definitely agree based off of the type of guy that he was. However, I've met a lot of guys who they've gone through a divorce.
My husband is also a divorcee

Speaker 6 and

Speaker 6 he was a ready-made husband. He was so accustomed to being a husband that he couldn't help it.

Speaker 6 However, there were things that he did still need to work on, such as I, that I think no matter how much work you do on your own, because when I met him, he was in therapy because of his divorce.

Speaker 6 But there's so much work you can do on your own before you're really challenged with, okay, so what are you going to do now that you met someone? How are you going to put it to the test?

Speaker 6 Are you really trigger free or are there things you still need to work on? Now, there were definitely things that he still needed to work on. However,

Speaker 6 His ability, it was very clear to me that he was one of those guys that he was married for so long that he didn't know how to be anything besides a husband.

Speaker 6 And I met other men that were like that too. And they were just like, Where are they? Are they only in Atlanta? I met him on a dating site.
I don't know what it is.

Speaker 6 Yeah. But in Atlanta, he's in Atlanta.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, maybe I have to move to Atlanta.

Speaker 6 I was very surprised, but I will agree with you that when men go, in my opinion, men and women take divorce differently um and i think it has a lot to do with whatever it is that we lose during the divorce so i happen to be a woman who owned my home so i did lose a lot of things but i didn't lose everything sometimes men lose almost everything

Speaker 6 including the house they live in yeah and the money they've worked so hard for and sometimes even the kids yeah they lose a lot so their pain is the little, it's like it transfers differently than it does for us.

Speaker 6 Because it's less likely for a woman to have to take care of a man after divorce than it is, obviously, for a man to take care of a woman.

Speaker 6 So they end up having different things that they really have to work through and be intentional about. But I will say that

Speaker 6 after that,

Speaker 6 Depending on the type of man he is, I still think divorced men

Speaker 6 are the best type of men to date, depending on what you're looking for. Because I have kids, I refused to date a guy that didn't have kids.

Speaker 6 I wanted him to have gone through a divorce so that he could be on the same level as me mentally and understanding what I value. I've met a lot of guys.
I met 90% of guys that didn't have kids.

Speaker 6 And they thought I was crazy when I told them, you're amazing, but I'm not going to give you babies. I refuse to have three.
My first few days. Yeah, that's enough.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's too much.

Speaker 6 I can't do it. So I just,

Speaker 6 in particular, I was very particular about what I wanted.

Speaker 6 And there's something about a guy who's gone through a divorce who has been able to self-reflect and see both parts, where the ex-wife went wrong and where he went wrong and can say, I don't ever want to go through that again, but I want a partner.

Speaker 6 So I'm going to do whatever it takes to never go through this again. It makes it easier, in my opinion, as the second wife.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 No, I totally agree, but let me tell you, you found a diamond in the sand. Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 I had to work with him because most guys, like nowadays, these middle-aged dudes are getting divorced and they are acting like teenagers again.

Speaker 6 And they want to play like the bumble. They order people like DoorDash Pizza.
Oh, my God. Look at all these girls.
Looking at me.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm telling you, it's very hard. Very hard.

Speaker 6 I was like, hey, don't you want to, you probably want to go play, right? You were married for so long. He was like, no, I want a wife.
I was trying to be his friend.

Speaker 6 Because I was like, I expect you to go do your thing. Because when I went through a divorce, I'm like, yeah, I want to do my thing.
I don't want to, I want to have freedom.

Speaker 6 So I can imagine maybe you feel the same way too. He was like, do I look like I wanted to be a woman? Does he have a twin brother by any chance?

Speaker 6 Keep an eye out for me, okay? If you find another kudos.

Speaker 6 Because I'm telling you, he's very rare, very rare. Oh my God,

Speaker 6 we're 10 years apart. So he's 40 and I'm 30.
I'm going to send this dude for you to coach because they need a lot of coaching out here. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I'm here.

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Speaker 6 Let's talk about a tough one. Like the people that get divorced because they were cheated on.

Speaker 6 I know that's like ouch, right? That hurts so much because that's like broken trust.

Speaker 6 And I'm not an expert and I get this question all the time from people that listen to the podcast. They send me, how do I trust again? They're like, cat, oh, all men are pigs.
All women cheat.

Speaker 6 Like, Like, no, no, no, I'm never going to trust again.

Speaker 6 How do you trust again? How do you mend that broken heart from, you know, being cheated on?

Speaker 6 You know, you actually have to start trusting yourself first. It has less to do with other people.
But what you don't want to do is put people on trial for things they didn't do.

Speaker 6 You cannot label everybody because of something someone else did, especially if there's any part of you that feels feels like you should have never been with them in the first place. It's not fair.

Speaker 6 It's not fair to say or make your mind believe that, you know what, everybody's like this because I took a chance on this person that I knew we shouldn't have been with, but I gave them a chance anyway.

Speaker 6 And now I'm going to label everybody just like them. It's less to do with the person that cheated and more to do with your ability to recognize.
that it has nothing to do with you.

Speaker 6 Their actions had nothing to do with you. However, you have to be confident enough in yourself to be able to still trust your ability to choose people and make good decisions.
It starts from there.

Speaker 6 If you can't make good decisions about yourself, if that experience has made you second guess everything, you have to work on your ability to be able to trust yourself in making simple decisions because you'll never be able to trust anyone else if you don't mend the relationship you have with yourself.

Speaker 6 Oh my God, I love that. I'm actually going to have one of my best friends is going through this because

Speaker 6 they were not married, but they were engaged. And he didn't even cheat.
Like he emotionally cheated, like, you know, texting some girls. And the fiancé broke up the engagement.

Speaker 6 And now she's like, I cannot trust you again. I cannot trust you again.
I cannot trust you again. I think it's more her issues than his issues, right?

Speaker 6 You gotta, you either decide you trust someone or you don't, or you don't, right? It's like you have to make that decision. And I think that's my opinion.

Speaker 6 Of course, being cheated on, I think it's horrible, horrible. I'm like, I'm one of the, I'm loyal like a puppy when I'm with someone.

Speaker 6 I love loyalty, you know, I, that, to me, that's top of on my list. I, I despise lies and all this BS.
I don't have time for that.

Speaker 6 So, yeah, it's heartbreaking when you hear like somebody cheating and living this double life. It's disgusting.
And I'm sure it's very painful to get over it.

Speaker 6 But I think because one person cheats on you,

Speaker 6 it's not fair to say that everybody is a cheater, right?

Speaker 6 Right.

Speaker 6 i think like if you're in if you break up a marriage because somebody cheated on you and then you say oh i'm never gonna be married again all men are pigs or all women are sluts you're basically letting the cheaters win the game yes oh my goodness i teach that to my clients who want to it's like when when something happens and i get it they go on this almost like hate train of men.

Speaker 6 Yeah. And I let them get it all out.
And then I'll say, but you want a husband, don't you?

Speaker 6 I mean, yeah, I do. Okay.

Speaker 6 So if you met a good guy today, you wouldn't even be able to recognize him because you're looking through the lens of the person that hurt you. So let's be real.
You can feel how you feel.

Speaker 6 It's valid and understandable. But what's the end goal? Do you want to get married one day? And I'm someone that had severe trust issues after my divorce.
I went on a date with a guy.

Speaker 6 And he was like, I can tell you're guarded. I said, I am.

Speaker 6 I don't trust anything to come out of y'all mouth because y'all just lie. Y'all just be lying.

Speaker 6 I know for a fact, if I was like that when I met my husband, he would be like, I don't have time for you. But how do you get over that? Because, like you said, a lot of people are like that.

Speaker 6 They're like, I can't trust, I can't believe anything you say to me because I've just been hurt. How do you get over that? You have to take the leap with yourself.

Speaker 6 In order for me to get through that tough patch,

Speaker 6 tough patch, I had to start trying to practice

Speaker 6 trusting and listening to my intuition in the first place and stop going against it on simple things, things that has nothing to do with relationships.

Speaker 6 When it gets to the point where you feel like, yeah, I made a decision. I stuck by that decision.
I believe in myself. I trust myself.
And then you start meeting people.

Speaker 6 You have to make the decision of, is it worth me

Speaker 6 accusing them of something they didn't do, putting them on trial for something they have no clue of what I've gone through and scared them away.

Speaker 6 Or should I give the benefit of the doubt and then put the blockers up when someone gives me a reason to? You don't just start with being a bulldozer. Yeah.
Like it doesn't work like that.

Speaker 6 I completely agree with you. And I like that you said that we have to do the work.
You know, don't blame, don't decide that everybody sucks because one person sucks.

Speaker 6 And I always say that, like, when you get your heartbroken, if you decide like, oh I'm never gonna try this again it's too much work okay you're letting this one asshole win the game you know don't like that don't fucking love yeah never ever ever no you should actually use your breakup or your divorce as a blueprint to finding the actual love of your life yeah and it's easy to do most people would rather not because it's like Every time I think of this person, I just think of everything they did to me.

Speaker 6 That's good. Think about what they did.
Think about whatever it is that they did did that made them think you were okay with them doing it.

Speaker 6 Let's like really dive into that and think about why did they think it was okay to do this to me? How can I make sure whoever I meet do not get that impression that they can do this to me? Yeah.

Speaker 6 Because I have control over how people say things to me and handle me. So what can I do to prevent?

Speaker 6 the things that I didn't like here that I've learned that I don't like that I may have accepted because of the power I felt about this person.

Speaker 6 But how do I make sure that I take all of that experience and I use it to my advantage with the next person to say, I know that I don't like this, this, this, this, or this.

Speaker 6 This is a deal breaker for me. This is what I like.
This is what I don't like because of X, Y, Z. And then you use that and let them decide, well, do I want to deal with her?

Speaker 6 Because she has boundaries. If they don't want to.
you just save yourself harder. They're not your person.

Speaker 6 Exactly. It's that simple.
I love that. Before we run out of time, I have one more really important one.
And that's probably a tough one.

Speaker 6 A lot of the men that I go on dates with, a lot, and a lot of my guy friends and a lot of the women I talk to around LA that decided to pull the plug on their marriages, that they are the ones that made the decision to get divorced.

Speaker 6 They tell me that the reason why they did it is because they ended up being like roommates with their partner. Like they ended up having like a sexless marriage.

Speaker 6 And they got sick of it and they don't want that to happen to them. So this is the question.

Speaker 6 And I agree because my marriage, other than the abuse, you know, my husband was an alcoholic, we barely had sex for 15 years. It was very rare.
I'm not a cheater.

Speaker 6 I never ever cheated on him, but I love to have sex. I'm a very sexual person, and I really missed it in my marriage.

Speaker 6 So, yeah, on my next relationship, I always tell the guys that I date, no pressure, I want to have a lot of sex.

Speaker 6 If you don't like to have a lot of sex, next.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 6 And all these guys that I date, they say the same thing: like, I don't want to be married, so I got divorced, I pull in the plug.

Speaker 6 So, is there a way, how do you avoid how, you know, not have not having the same problem in the next marriage?

Speaker 6 Because let's face it, every relationship after the honeymoon phase, after the first few years, I mean, you know, you're not going to be hot and heavy every day, you're going to be tired, you have kids, you have issues, you have stress, la, la, la, la, la.

Speaker 6 Do you have any suggestions, any ideas how you keep the fire going? Yes, let me tell you. What you just said was my experience as well.

Speaker 6 So when I met my now husband, I told him I was very sex surprised. So it is very important for me to have somebody who likes sex just as much as I do.

Speaker 6 Of course, that was music to his ears because he was like, yeah, that would be awesome. However, but wait, in the beginning, all the guys say that, right? It's music to their ears.
They do.

Speaker 6 They say that. And nothing at least.
But we had to have, I I had to really have a conversation with him about

Speaker 6 how severe

Speaker 6 like not having it was for me. I explained that I am not the type of person that ever wants to cheat on my partner and I don't want to be put in a position to where that will happen.

Speaker 6 But because of what I didn't get in my last marriage, I'm going to let you know now that X amount of times a week is what I'm striving for.

Speaker 6 And if it's too little or too much for you, you need to really let me know. I'm not saying that there won't be times where, of course, you get busy and things like that, but sex is a big deal for me.

Speaker 6 And I need to make this clear because I will leave a relationship if I don't, I will not marry you if I cannot have good sex. I love that.
And I was just very honest.

Speaker 6 And we had a very authentic conversation about that because I told him, I know as a woman, men may not know that we like sex as much as we do because we've kind of been taught that these are not things you really talk about.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's such taboo, right?

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's this, it's this taboo, secretive thing that only men enjoy. And I told him, I have a high sex drive for a woman.

Speaker 6 And because I do, I want someone that can keep, I'm not saying this because I want to have sex with you right now. My opinion might be late.

Speaker 6 But I'm saying this because not having enough sex will cause me to leave the relationship.

Speaker 6 I will leave you before I cheat, but I want to let you know that if I don't get what I'm looking for in this area, this relationship will not, it won't go far. And he felt the exact same way.

Speaker 6 I love it. So because of that, we were able to have authentic conversation about the severity of

Speaker 6 this will be a problem in a relationship. Is this something that we can really both say like, I agree, this is what we need to make sure we do.
We cannot do once a month. or any that's too crazy.

Speaker 6 We have to really be on the same page. And we were aligned in that.
The conversations are so important.

Speaker 6 So I suggest women and men to just be comfortable having conversations about sex, but not about having sex, if that makes sense. Yeah.

Speaker 6 No, I love that you're saying that because, like you said, it's such taboo. We are taught from an early age, like, don't talk about it.
If we talk about it, we're labeled sluts, whatever it is.

Speaker 6 But I completely agree with you. It's so important to put it on the table.

Speaker 6 Like, if you're sexual, if you like touch, whatever it is that is important to you, if you're physical, you need to explain it to your partner so you don't have the same issues that you did before.

Speaker 6 And I love that you're empowering women to talk about it because it's the same thing that I do. It's not men, just men that care about it.
No.

Speaker 6 And you guys better do it. Otherwise, we will leave you and dump you.
We will leave and just go and be with someone else that can do it.

Speaker 6 At that stage of my life, I'm too young yeah to be having these problems and keep this part going right keep do date nights and all that good stuff you gotta keep dating each other even during the marriage right you can get lazy just because you get married right i completely agree and one of the things i want to touch on with uh what what you asked about like keeping things spicy and keeping things going like we my husband and i are busy we have a blended family of five kids wow three that are with us most of the time he and i we work from home but we do a lot of things where sometimes we don't get to just have moments and things like that.

Speaker 6 I take it upon myself because I've learned him. I've learned what he likes.
So I've had to learn that

Speaker 6 I don't necessarily have to wait for my husband to initiate. I can initiate these things.
I love a tip. I love buying.

Speaker 6 costumes like i love buying like maze outfits i love wearing really like cheerleader outfits and doing really like distracting things in front of him while he's working.

Speaker 6 I naturally like to do that. And it's a bonus when it ends in a fun time.

Speaker 6 So it's like, just don't be afraid to do things yourself instead of maybe waiting for him because just as busy as we can get, they are too. And it doesn't mean that they're not wanting it.

Speaker 6 I think they always want it.

Speaker 6 It's easy, I think, to keep things alive when somebody is considering the other person, not taking offense to maybe them being busy, and then they start kind of doing things themselves.

Speaker 6 Like I said, a tip for me is like, hey, a nice outfit. And it's like, wait, are you? What are you today? A school teacher? Like, what is this? You forget that.

Speaker 6 Sure.

Speaker 6 It's Halloween season, guys. Maybe you're going to get inspired this weekend.

Speaker 6 But I think it's a choice tree to like, I think if you're married or in a long-term relationship, yeah, you got to keep the other person interested.

Speaker 6 And you did a really nice post about that a while ago: that the way we look matters. And I always talk about it.

Speaker 6 Take care of yourselves, look beautiful, do your nails, do your hair, the sexy lingerie, or like you said,

Speaker 6 fun costumes, whatever it is that you know entices your partner. You gotta keep it up.
Otherwise, yeah, if you're not having sex, you become roommates.

Speaker 6 And yeah, then who wants to live with a roommate? Oh my goodness. I feel like that is sort of an easy fix.
Yeah, I really do.

Speaker 6 I feel like the whole that thing is an easy fix, but I can see how it would make someone become distant.

Speaker 6 However, I've seen so many trends on social media where women say what my husband thought he was getting, and it's like them dressed up, and then it's like versus what he got, and it's them looking like how they're like, oh, I know, like raggedy.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I do choose. Oh, yeah.
I hate them. That's such a bad message, right? Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 6 But there's so many people who fall into that, but then they'll be confused on why they feel like they're roommates. It's like

Speaker 6 you look like you've been in the same spot all day. Yeah, no, and this is why I love your work and your messages of encouragement, and you're so empowering.
Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 6 I know going through divorce, at least for me, it's definitely the toughest thing that I ever had to do in my life. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaker 6 There is another life waiting for you out there. So I hope this episode empowers and encourages anyone that is going through it.

Speaker 6 And please, I'm going to connect the link of your website here with this episode.

Speaker 6 If you guys are listening to the audio episode, make sure you go to the YouTube Caronde Luz podcast so you can see her beautiful, gorgeous face and watch us.

Speaker 6 And what is your Instagram so people can follow you? Because you put great videos out there.

Speaker 6 Thank you so much. My Instagram is Adriana Onubogu.
I'm going to have to spell the last name. I already know.
O-N-U-B-O-G-U. Onubogu.
Oh, I love that. Yes.
You can find me on there.

Speaker 6 My website is adrianamason.com. And yes, I'm so excited to work with anyone who's ready.
Yes. Ready, ready, ready.
Yes, yes. And there is always, always like, don't stay in a miserable relationship.

Speaker 6 Life is too short. You don't have to.
No, there's so much more to you. Yes.
Even if you think like I'm broke or I'm going to have less money, go for it. You can rebuild, right?

Speaker 6 We are, we're living proof of it. We are living.
We're living proof of it. Yes.

Speaker 6 If you're worried about not being able to rebuild or what your life is going to look like, you'll be surprised at how happier you can be when you take that leap and you let go of the fear.

Speaker 6 Yes, Adriana, a huge honor having you here in Catanolas. Thank you so much.

Speaker 6 Guys, be really safe out there. I'll see you again very soon.
Love you.

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