Side Stories: Darts & Farts
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Are you ready to get spicy?
These Doritos Golden Sriracha aren't that spicy.
Maybe it's time to turn up the heat.
Or turn it down.
It's time for something that's not too spicy.
Spicy.
But not too spicy.
There's no place to escape to.
This is the last podcast.
On the left.
Sign stories?
That's when the cannibalism started.
Side stories.
Yes.
Got the ghost side of me.
I'm ready to go.
This is what I was thinking.
Is that immediately?
I don't know how long we're going to get into this onto the show.
What are you talking about?
In terms of this sperm race.
Oh, yeah.
I'm looking at this.
Immediately, this was sent.
This was at the top of our side stories document today for some reason.
And I was going through it.
And the idea is that they created a super tiny track, and there's a bunch of commentators commentators and two guys.
They ejaculate into petri dishes, and then they race their sperm against each other.
Now, do they like jerk off at each other?
That's the first leg of the race.
So, like, so like, because to me, that's the most interesting part.
I feel like that's like if you're going to do like a decathlon.
Yeah, if they're like staring at each other's eyes, you know, and then jerking off into it, that's part of the race, right?
It's like who can come faster?
I mean, it depends on how deep you want to go.
I think it depends on the league.
I think it depends on the the league that is sperm racing.
You can go and check it out.
The National Institute of Spermatozoa Exploration is this very funny little company that is making, I have no idea what this is.
It's some kind of, God knows where this, this, basically they're trying to, they're saying that there's like a male fertility problem in the younger guys, which I've heard, blah, blah, blah.
I mean, I don't know.
I honestly think that my
semen is, I have one.
Yeah.
And he's retired.
I smoke so much weed that my sperm's so dumb, it comes out my butt.
We've talked about this.
We've talked about this.
I've talked about it with your doctor.
I've talked about it with your lovely dentist who listens to the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And even she said it was really worrisome how you've been going at your butt.
Yeah, no, it's nice though.
You know, it's be surprised.
It's like a double come when it comes out your butt.
Wow, really?
Yeah, no, it's really cool.
And then, so I think I would have an extra edge over these people because the thing is, when you shoot out your butt, it really sprays.
I think that if I semened into this arena and it's two different tracks, and the two tracks are built to, I guess, replicate the tubes that go towards the eggs, right?
And there's a microscopic track, and you could see the semen race along with it.
And I just feel like if my semen were in there, they'd just be kind of log jamming the other tracks.
Oh, yeah.
No, my semen are very Eeyore-like, you know.
Oh, yeah.
Yours are, they're having a sandwich.
They lost their tail, and you don't give a shit.
Your semen is sitting under a tree with a lemonade.
You know what I mean?
No, it is not enjoying.
It's not on the run, it's not getting trying to get to work.
What even matters is their quote, I believe.
I really, yeah, yeah, why, why all this for
my semen on the tombstone?
Did someone not put water in the bong?
Yeah, that's what my semen said.
Yeah, yeah, hey, why is it so dry in here?
Welcome to Side Stories.
My name is Henry Zabrowski.
I'm sitting here with the slow-seated Ed Larson.
Oh,
every time I come, it makes this noise.
Oh, whoa, like Dom Delawies.
Mine goes,
like a fucking machine gun.
I'm more of a leak than a spray.
Yeah, no, we all are.
A trickle.
I know you are, and I know I am.
And I know every man that listens to this show is, as they should be, because I sit on my nuts for a living.
Hey, that's his job.
I'm waiting for these fuckers to hatch how long I sit on them.
He knows where his nuts are at all times, and that's all a man can do.
Okay.
So, first of all, before we begin, I'd like to thank everybody that watched the Behind the Veil.
Yes.
Say
Beyond the Veil?
Behind the Veil is what we're going to call what we're going to release it, which is true.
The Beyond the Veil with R.H.
Davis, obviously, I had an idea that it was going to be polarizing, which I do think it is.
Of course it is.
It's quite funny to me.
But I also want to give a shout out to our crew that crushed it hardcore we made a television show with nothing nobody made any money a week and a half of work it literally was pretty great these guys the way these guys pushed the put all of this together was absolutely amazing but just so you know none of us made any money no one involved in the production except for the employees lost 95 on the suit we all lost money so just know that it was a fun
flex of what we could do creatively here at LPN.
And we are going to be releasing it on VOD.
uh we don't quite know in the way we're going to do it but i think it's going to be maths available and it's going to be for free and it's going to include commentary from us about everything that went into it and everything that came out of it and you dial with vod yeah you know me and so that's what we're going to do we're we're so you'll see it all uh and we'll you know uncut and with our commentary uh we just haven't figured out the timing on that but that is coming towards you so thank you we should definitely you know like what are you talking about it's two hours hours long.
They're gonna have to sit every minute because I'm not hiding behind anything and I want to.
You're not hiding anything.
It's just like edit for time.
That's their job is to fucking go through it.
That's the audience's job.
Our job is to make it.
Your job is to watch it as presented.
So and that's how we're gonna do it.
But you're talking about adding to it.
Yeah.
Adding commentary.
That's all they want.
Look at all the, this is what they want, Eddie.
It was pretty awesome to see how many people watched it, and it was great.
I had a wonderful time.
I'm glad it was polarizing.
Me me too
no no because there's no way it couldn't be i knew it was it's all my idea buddy it all is all my idea so i'm totally i accept and thank you for your anger i'm here for i'm here to learn man i'm here to have a good time absolutely i don't know if i believed any of it but it was certainly was a lot of fun all of my reactions i'm saving for the re when we put it out for the vod you're going to hear all of my thoughts and i have many thoughts about what went down and i currently have a ghost in my home right now yeah that is also a thing we're going to talk about, but I'm saving all of that.
Now, is your ghost semen racing?
Like, is that, is it, that was your shooting ghost?
That's my goal.
Yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
You're talking about my goal.
You're talking about my vision board.
That's different.
These little children that run the sperm racing.
That's what I don't trust.
That I don't trust is the children with the vials of my cum.
You have two bullheaded 19-year-olds with jars of cum in front of them that I think that like this is going to be a problem.
Wow.
Now, can I ask you something?
Can we go back to the sperm thing real quick?
I got several questions and theories.
Okay.
Gooners.
Do you think that gooners would be exceptional well at this?
Or would theirs be dead on arrival?
Sometimes gooning, I think, destroys your expulsive
abilities.
But also, I don't know whether...
Shoot, do they die in the balls or do they like, or do they come out like fucking racehorses?
Side stories, L-P-O-T L at gmail.com.
Does the sperm of gooners, is it stronger or is it it weaker?
I want to hear from scientists.
There has to be somebody out there that's doing the science on gooning.
There has to be one or two scientists somehow involved with either the Angela White or the Gianna Michaels industry that have gone in there and that it must be helping these people with gooning and its effect on semen retention and semen productivity.
No poon all goon.
Yeah, I mean, that's the that's all they do.
Yeah.
Only, it's only goon.
Don't worry about that.
All right, so poon the goon.
That's because they like to be held.
That's what these guys are doing.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, these children here that are running this sperm event.
Yes.
Yeah, these kids are way.
These kids are definitely under 18.
I don't know who these kids are.
I don't know who the children they have put on the sperm racing Twitter account.
The two mushroom-headed children that are literally holding vials of semen
lab coat.
Yeah, yeah, but anybody can have a lab coat on.
Do you remember the guy?
Do they have rubber gloves to protect them from the semen or for jerking off fellas?
I don't know what they're doing.
I think they might be catching the semen in their hands.
But yes, they got this semen race is going on hardcore.
But you remember in CVS, they used to do that in New York.
Semen racing?
But the guys, well, that was, they used to call it something else.
That was, yeah, that was just coming on the floor.
Yeah.
You know, that was the
spill on aisle 12.
You were also just being told, you better come right now, or I'm going to come on you instead of with you.
And so I'm like, you know, I always am.
I'm a yes-and-guy.
CVS used to do the thing where they used to have blood pressure
where it he just have like a homeless man in a, in a blab coat.
Oh, that guy.
There was that one guy outside of Dwayne Reed in Ridgewood who would always be like, check your blood pressure as you walk by.
And I'm like, why is the cuff so small?
I used to always argue with that guy because he used to always tell me, I always have great blood pressure.
It's the one thing I got going for me health-wise.
Yes.
Always have phenomenal blood pressure right on the money every day, always for all of the time.
And then he would always bitch at me, be like, you don't know what's good.
I'm like, I know it's good.
It's fine.
And then, you know, I checked it one time.
He's like, it's good.
I'm like, I told you so.
Sometimes you don't got to worry about fighting any.
Sometimes you got to let it go.
No, I remember.
I want to get into some news and we'll get into, and we'll talk more about our lives.
I like blood pressure machines.
I know we will talk about blood pressure machines.
Let's talk about some news and then we'll come back around.
I promise you.
The news you can use.
First of all, Karen Reed, not guilty.
Now, I didn't really cover this that in depth.
You were in love with this story, and then you abandoned it.
Well, I watched the first trial.
Yeah.
And then there's been a lot of other trials that I've been watching more closely that have also then gotten boring.
Lori Valo trial is now, it's over, it's done.
She's now going to go to an appeals.
All the appeals are boring.
P.
Diddy trial, unfortunately, has entered into a bit of a boring zone.
They are now currently watching the sex tapes of Diddy publicly in court.
It's crazy how that's the boring part.
Oh, yes, because they're saying that it's also he's listening to his own music while watching a sex worker fuck his wife, and you're watching him in the stand at in trial, like bobbing his head to his own music, which is again, that's producer.
Good to be there.
You know what I mean?
I mean, he wrote the songs, he likes it.
You know, I love a murder fist video.
Same.
I watch my stuff all the time.
I could see him pissing him in his own cup, drinking it just to remind you, getting the nostalgia on his lip, hearing it back in the day, like, I remember I got that guy good and shiny that Tuesday.
But then, but the biggest, so I didn't have time to watch the new Karen Reid trial.
Yeah, in which so Karen Reed was accused of killing John O'Keefe, that was a Boston police officer.
that was a,
they were, I guess, a part of the little small town in Massachusetts.
And they were deeply connected to this very intense cop family that they were all partying at after hours.
And then John O'Keefe, Karen Reed left early.
She was dating John O'Keefe.
Yes.
John O'Keefe ends up dead.
In the snow.
In the snow.
And Karen Reed is blamed.
They say that Karen Reed hit him with her SUV because she was drunken fight.
fight.
She was driving drunk.
They all partied all night.
These guys party like only 45 to 50 year old cops can.
I don't know how they can.
I don't know how they can all party that hard until 7 a.m.
I know these are so hard.
I know it's cocaine.
When I worked at the poorhouse, the cops would go hard.
They were fucking scary.
They would talk about like getting drunk and shooting out street lights when the subway came by.
Those guys are fucking nuts.
Dude, these guys are the night that they describe of all of these cops hanging out is just sounds like a lot they went to they had like a bit of a bar crawl then they went to i believe it was the mccabe house for the after party and when they got out there uh so karen reed john o'keefe they had some kind of
she didn't want to be there they were constantly fighting yes they had a very tumultuous relationship and so they uh john o'keefe says this i want to go into this after party john o'keefee goes into the after party after they drive in from the the main city out to where they live.
Karen Reed goes home.
He's found dead in the morning.
They say that she hit him with her SUV.
What is then found is like, you know, essentially all these investigators fucked up the job.
And what is the reason why this is such a big deal is because this is one of the very, very few cases that cuts through the corruption of the local police and actually comes out with
an exoneration.
This almost never happens.
When you went through the text messages of all the inspectors talking
text messages.
There's all those text messages with cheese on them.
They got re-rubbies on them.
I need you to focus.
I need you to focus.
We're going to get you some food.
We're going to get you some food.
So chewing all the sound equipment on top of the microphone.
That's a flower tortilla, right?
But all the investigators were super fucking casual and gross about Karen Reed.
They were all asking who's got her nudes.
All that stuff came out in trial.
Like, they all were talking massive shit against this woman.
We know that one of the ladies connected to the cop family where the after party was happening had Googled after Karen Reed had left
the.
Ho long to die in cold.
Ho long to die in cold.
Yes.
And that was a big deal that kind of swayed the people.
It swayed the jury together.
So really,
if you're ever thinking about killing somebody, you know, do all your text messages months ahead of time, all your Google searches months ahead of time.
Key is?
Do it at the library.
At the library.
Also, I mean this, you know, we hate giving tips to criminals, but write it on a piece of paper.
Yeah.
Burn it.
I would also
do more talking.
Yeah.
Less texting.
Because the cops also incriminated themselves on text.
And one of the big things that kept happening was that the main investigator would arrive.
He would, there would be no evidence.
And all of a sudden, he discovered something new.
Yes.
And so that was the stuff like it had been raining and snowing, and it was all this horrible weather.
But then somehow all of this perfect,
the shattered light from the back of her.
Her the back the shattered back headlight from her her brake light on her SUV that glass is found all of a sudden just sitting kind of lightly on top of the the snow.
Where it should be under the snow.
Yes, and then there's also the, but we, but she, there's no evidence to show where she got her brake light broken.
Sounds like it was a full-on fix.
So it, to be honest, it's just kind of a wild thing.
The idea of beating a bunch of Massachusetts cops in court
is it doesn't happen.
And at large.
Her life is going to be hell now.
She has to move.
She'll leave.
Yeah, she'll.
She'll have to leave Massachusetts for sure.
Probably, but also Karen Reed, it's an example about how like she was a financial advisor.
So she had a lot of money.
So she managed to get herself out on bail during an extreme and a high mark too, which is most like one of the hardest parts that people can have.
Because obviously the internet really did help.
The social pressure helped, which is she got out in front of cameras.
She was like on 2020 and dateline and all these things.
She had her own TV show.
She got to put her case out in front of the American people because she had the cash flow to get out of jail.
And also, I watched that ID show or whatever, the one that's on Max.
I don't know if it was ID, but whatever.
Who cares?
It seemed like it was a really bad idea for her to be doing that.
Oh, yeah, no, it's always bad.
No one should be, you should not be talking in front of her.
But it worked for her.
She's obviously.
That lady's pretty smart.
Karen Reed's pretty fucking smart.
Karen is
likable.
Yes, she's smart, likable.
She's got that.
She's got a great attorney.
And,
you know, and
the people saw.
The people saw.
So now that she's not guilty, are they going to go after these?
We still have a, we have still have a murdered cop here.
I believe they are all, I know that they were all suspended.
The investigator, I forget his name, the head investigator was so butthurt about all of this.
He was like, just kind of talking about how, you know, like,
you know, there's no way you could possibly
kind of form like this kind of big plan.
And it was like, you guys did it over text message.
Yeah.
You talked to each other about how you were going to log jam this woman, and maybe
you cops should maybe know that they read the text messages.
Yeah, and then when they go into court,
it's going to be,
I don't know what to tell you, you're going to need to kill her too.
Sorry, cops.
Unfortunately, if you wanted to get away with this, you should have killed Karen Reed as well, and then probably killed a couple other people as well.
I mean, I'm just saying, if you're going to go in for one, in for a penny, you're in for a dollar.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
So let's see what happens because I feel like they kind of have to go after these police officers now.
Oh, they don't got to do anything.
No, they're just going to let them go
away.
Yeah, because they could just say that.
I think that they're all suspended.
Right now, everybody's suspended.
I think that they're going to let this go to sleep after a long period of time, and then they'll just kind of come back.
They will eventually come back because largely, I think mostly, it's very hard to prove the corruption,
but it's not hard to prove that they fucked everything up.
Yeah.
They should at least get fired.
But you know, very hard.
It's very hard.
The thing about Massachusetts cops mentality.
You know, I worked with the Boston police and they weren't as horrible as I thought they were going to be.
It's not about horrible, but it is about loyalty no matter what.
Yes.
Loyalty, no matter what, does cause even which we always say it's the problem because it brings good cops in with all the bad cops.
And that's the, that is the problem.
So you have to all,
everyone's trying to protect each other.
And when it comes down to that, that's where all the corruption comes.
Yeah, there are plenty of bad cops.
There are.
But also, let's give more praise to our mediocre cops.
Yeah, absolutely.
Because like, you know, the useless ones are very helpful.
They're just in there filling out uniforms, doing their jobs, making sure that, you know, like they're directing protests.
Yeah, too lazy to hit anybody.
You know, they're the guys making sure that, you know, like you're parking right
somewhere.
So give it up for the mediocre conversation.
And I really want to thank the LAPD for stepping it up and really beating the shit out of us.
It's just not letting the military do it.
No,
let our homegrown police do it for us.
Yeah.
Okay, we don't need your federal response.
Let the police just beat the hell out of us here because they're great at it.
Yeah, and if they don't beat the shit out of us, what are they going to do?
I don't know.
Why are we outsourcing?
This is like one of my biggest problems here is that we're outsourcing our violence when we have plenty of locally sourced violence.
These are bad motherfuckers.
Guys, they could beat us and they could rape us with broom poles and stuff like that.
It's totally in their sphere.
They're totally good at it.
Yeah, if they don't beat us, they're going to beat someone else.
Yeah, so let them beat us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because they'll come to your city.
They're going to leave.
If the LAPS is going to be, they're going to start fighting the firemen or something.
Dude, they're going to go to
Arizona.
They're going to start beating up people in Arizona.
Is that what you want?
That's what you fucking want.
That's what you want.
Is that what you want?
Do you want to want?
Please.
Just hold it.
Just think about it for yourself.
Life from New
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Hey, Eddie, what?
You know what doesn't belong in your epic summer plans?
What doesn't belong in my epic summer plans?
Getting burned by your old wireless bell.
Oh my gosh, it burns burns me all the time.
I know.
It's like, halala, so hot.
While you're planning beach trips, barbecues, and three-day weekends, your wireless bill should be the last thing holding you back.
Well, what should be holding me back?
Probably,
I would say you've got problems with, you know, you have acid reflux.
Yeah.
You got some problems consuming dairy.
I can barely swim.
You are afraid of loud noises.
I hate loud noises.
You're afraid of being outside.
But otherwise,
but otherwise,
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It's that time of year again.
Back to school season.
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All right, now, second big update.
Anne Borell.
Former host of World's Worst Cooks in America.
Is this an update?
No, it's a brand new story.
and morale this is a story that i love right this is a story this is a woman that i have directly in my planet
she's a celebrity chef it is another mark against world's
worst cooks in america the worst cooks in america i tell you the story about how the winner i believe of the third season third or fifth season of uh worst cooks in america uh killed their daughter so are you like if you're a bad cook are you the worst cook or did he win because he killed his daughter because that makes you a bad would be huge.
It was a lady.
And it would be huge.
It would be huge.
Was it murder?
No, it's that food.
It said you're a horrible cook.
And then by the end, you get to be a good cook.
Yeah.
It was the chicken fricassee that killed the nine-year-olds.
No, it was neglect.
And the
mother killed her daughter that won worst cooks, right?
And we all thought that's the worst thing that Food Network's ever going to have to deal with.
Yeah.
Right.
Because they deleted that entire season.
It's so funny.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
they buried it they buried it forget you when it was worked yeah yeah yeah it was um arielle robinson 20 yeah from in may 2022 she was uh she won and uh yeah she the child died from blunt force traumas but i still don't know is she the best of the worst or is she the worst of the worst how does the winning of worst cook go It's got nothing to do with murdering your daughter.
I know it's got nothing to do with murdering your daughter.
Mostly it's got to do with cooking.
But I'm just saying, was she the worst cook or the best of the worst?
She was the best of the worst.
Okay.
That's the idea.
That's why she won.
Her cooking won most, like, essentially most improved.
Oh, okay.
So Anne Borrell hosted this for a long time and then stepped away from it.
Well, with Duff Goldman.
She was working with this, and then she had a working relationship with Duff Goldman.
For those of you who don't know, Duff Goldman.
No idea who this is.
Is the cake boss, right?
Oh, okay.
I know cake boss.
I didn't know he had a name, though.
I thought he was just cake boss.
Everyone has a name.
No, I'm wrong.
Oh, my God.
i'm wrong the whole fucking world is gonna come for me that is i'm wrong the cake boss is buddy velastro
okay duff goldman is the cake rapist what is it his name the cake
cake pedophile wasn't cake predator the ace of cakes
yes that's what i meant that's what i meant and he
did this show with ann burrell and then they kind of like broke up duff goldman and then he made this weird ass fucking response I mean, it's...
After she died?
After she died.
This is the first thing I want to say because now there's like, it's a good thing.
I tell you what, life's no piece of cake.
No,
especially not when you were a fucking big fat chef, because sometimes what happens is the cake is the thing that killed you, unfortunately.
But also, I don't trust a skinny chef, and I only like my chefs on the verge of death.
So
that's life.
And so this is the weird thing that Duff Goldman wrote.
I've written and rewritten this post so many times in the past 24 hours, and I don't know what to say.
It's never a good start.
Anne and I became friends in 2006 she was going through some stuff and i heard that she was feeling it so on a trip to new york city from baltimore i had made her a cake that said don't let the bastards win she never did we had a complex relationship and i remember the last conversation we had before our paths drifted with the last conversations we had before our paths drifted all right what is that isn't it supposed to be the bastards get you down yeah i don't know maybe he didn't have enough room on the cake i think it's a smaller cake yeah i know she said that they had a pretty feisty debate about the merits of catfish.
She said the words trash fish, it tastes like mud, and called him cake boy.
Okay.
And I always had a spirited and somewhat acerbic back and forth.
I never really knew why our paths drifted, but I always hoped that wherever she was, Anne was doing well and finding some happiness.
She had to put the catfish thing in there.
This whole thing is just so like...
Just rambling.
So now people are like, so she was found dead dead in her shower, right?
Naked.
She was clothes in her shower.
That'd be way weirder.
It would be, right?
Yeah.
But it's hotter when she's naked.
It's sad.
I'm sorry, guys.
I'm sorry I'm doing this.
No, no.
I'm lashing out.
And so Amperelle,
I think, died of suspicious circumstances.
Okay.
There's no evidence pointing towards this.
TMZ says possible overdose.
Of course, and I align with them.
Well, you know, it's weird.
At all times, I align with them.
But they're usually right.
So it sounded like something bad was going on.
She's got she's got
I want to talk to your manager, but I've just smoked PCP here.
Yes.
So she's just got that ability.
There's something about her.
She's always had an edge to her.
Well, chefs love drugs.
I get it.
You know, you got to stay up all night.
It's a long shift.
It's hard.
There was a guy, you know, the guy who took over chef after me.
I remember I came back to check on the place and I opened up one of the coolers and there was just like cocaine on top of one of the Tupperware containers just to give it a boost.
And it's just like,
first of all, like, it's just going to get moist.
What are you doing?
Like, it's a bad place for cocaine.
I think a guy wasn't, let's just say he wasn't thinking with this front, with his front mind.
No, he wasn't.
He was a really bad chef.
Yeah, he was a bad.
And that's the main issue is that probably mostly is that his cooking was bad.
You could do as many drugs as you want as long as the cooking is good.
And she was a good cook, right?
She was fine.
Yeah.
I never ate at any of her restaurants.
She never ate any.
She had any restaurants?
Yeah, she had a restaurant in New York.
And I forgot where else she had one.
And then Anne Berell, but like, you know, but she taught many people how to cook.
many celebrities.
Some of you have been your worst favorite celebrities.
Oh, yeah, Phil and Ann's Good Time Lounge.
That was a big one that closed.
She had some problems with union work, okay, too.
She had some problems with the union.
Oh, so she's a B.
She's got some stuff going on in there.
I mean, I hate that.
If you're a chef, like, don't fucking take advantage of your cooks.
It's just a whole shit's crazy.
She's just, there's a lot going on in there.
I think she might have been weirdly a very troubled woman.
Okay.
But we'll find out.
We'll find out.
I hope we do.
But you love me.
I got all my autopsy pictures, and I'm going to go through them.
That's my goal for the weekend.
That's what I'd like to do.
Oh, man.
My other goal for the weekend, you like Disneyland, right?
I love Disneyland.
It's one of my favorite places in the entire world.
Now, have you ever thought about the idea of you and Julie renewing your vows?
You know, I was going to ask Julie to marry me at Disneyland, but for lack of a better word, I found that to be
gay.
Well, it does make you a Disney Disney adult.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, then you're fully a Disney adult.
If you rap.
Now I'm like a fan.
I guess I'm kind of a Disney adult.
You like Disney enough, but I would say, but I am thankful that you didn't do that.
Yes, no, I'm glad I didn't do it too.
Keep your love separate from IP.
Yeah, I did it.
Well, I didn't do that either.
I did it.
I asked her to marry me at a Fleetwood Mac concert.
That's not IP.
It's not IP?
No.
It's not CP.
Imagine that.
I'm all dressed up like Insane Clown Posse,
singing Rhiannon.
Fleetwood ICP is incredible.
Malay.
Malinko.
Family.
Family.
Oddly enough, though, Lindsey Buckingham is worse than any member of ICP.
Lindsey Buckingham is such a piece of shit.
He's such a piece of shit.
It's so funny to even think, like, yeah, I let ICP watch my dogs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I would not let Lindsey Buckingham near my dogs.
Nowhere near my house or my family or my wife.
Yeah, yes.
But I bring all this up to say it sounds like Disneyland, people love to get married there.
Uh-huh.
Including pedophiles.
Now, this story is a, I, I am loving this story right now.
Okay.
I need you to explain this to me because I don't know how this story got past me.
It just showed up.
Okay.
So now a British man who is not going to be named, I guess they keep saying for legal reasons.
I think this has to do with like a family.
Because he actually didn't do anything wrong.
Not yet.
Okay.
But it's lots of, there's lots of wrong around it.
But yes, nothing necessarily happened yet.
Okay.
So he was 39 years fun, everybody's favorite age, the sexiest age to be.
And he set up an elaborate fairy tale wedding at Disneyland, Paris, which I actually kind of thought that's where it should, I thought Paris, that you could get married to a child.
I thought that it's so I thought it was very European to get married to a child in a castle.
Yeah, well, you know, don't they do that there a lot?
A couple centuries ago for sure.
Yeah.
And last week.
So this guy, he rented out all of Disneyland Paris for 115,000 Euro.
I would think it's more.
Because it was only a section of it.
It was a higher part of the Disneyland site at Marne Valer at
a cost, but 115 Euro.
And he invited hundreds of guests.
Okay.
Right.
They had all these guests.
So he's a popular guy.
So people started arriving.
Disney apparently had no idea.
Yeah, I guess it translates to 170, about 175 grand
in U.S.
dollars.
So they go,
all of his guests start arriving.
Hundreds of guests from Paris and hundreds of guests from the Ukraine.
And eventually these people start saying like, oh, you know, we were just told to be here for a wedding.
Turns out everybody that's coming to this wedding is a hired actor.
All of the people from Paris were extras that were hired.
They said to watch a show, right?
To be a part of a filmed wedding.
Then they found all these Ukrainian people that are also all hired actors that are all pretending to be Family of the Bride.
They're all saying that they're there to play Family of the Bride in a filmed television show wedding.
Well, we all know about all the actors in Ukraine pretending there's a war going on.
I I mean, that's all they do all day.
Yeah.
Do you think how you have any idea how hard it is to fake blow up your village?
You have any idea how hard it is?
You might as well just blow it up.
That's what I said.
Why are we using all the CGI?
But this guy, so this 39-year-old, yet to be named, he introduces his wife.
Okay.
We're going to be in the process.
This is at dawn.
right because that's what they allow you to have the park is at dawn that makes sense it's a nine-year-old so it's this nine-year-old from the ukraine that has been brought in with a fake mother and a fake sister that have brought this nine-year-old in.
Now, according to this man, this British man, the only thing that he's guilty of is wanting to create a magical afternoon for a little girl and that he was going to marry her in this Prince Charles Cinderella style.
Prince Charming.
Prince Charles is, I guess, yeah, you know what?
You're right.
You're right.
I'm keeping it.
You're right.
No, you're actually correct.
Prince Charles marries a nine-year-old style.
And everyone's like, it wasn't until finally one of the paid extras went to Disneyland and they saw this whole thing going on.
They said they said it was all like this.
We don't know until they saw the nine-year-old in the full bridal wear.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Coming down the thing, which is also like,
we had a great time.
planning our you know planning a wedding is very stressful but it's also fun but it's extremely stressful can you imagine how difficult it must be to plan a wedding with a nine-year-old and extras just extras are always wandering off they just switch their mind one day they're Elsa the next day they're the lady from uh they're a tomb raider yeah the next day they're something else right so you never know with these nine-year-olds so we're to stick it in trying to get a nine-year-old to choose plates Oh, yeah.
Just trying to get him to sit still long enough to be like, listen, you're going to be my wife soon.
Yeah, yeah.
You need to pick out forks.
You got to bring the iPad.
Oh, you got to bring iPad and a a lot of brochures, but you're love tasting the cake.
Who's going to walk her down the aisle?
I think that, no, they paid.
What you do is if you're marrying a child to Disneyland, Paris, obviously you have to
hire a Ukrainian sex worker to pretend to be her.
Good slip.
You're going to hile.
I'm not going to let a hile go.
But I love this, that they, it wasn't until they saw the child.
Right?
They saw the child, and then everyone's like, oh, no.
And they went to Disneyland Paris.
And I would have loved to see the look on the face of the Disneyland Paris employee dressed as Leigh Goofy.
I guess because in Goofy there, in Paris and Goofy, his dick's out and stuff.
He's like a red rocket.
He's a full sexual harlequin goofy.
He's got the full, like, he's got, you can see his nipples.
He reeks like wine.
Yeah.
And
telling that guy,
I think the man's getting married to a child.
I think that's the wife there, sir.
I was trucked in here, and I believe that that's the wife.
And they hear him go,
oh, no.
Yes.
But it's not a real wedding, right?
No.
It was supposed to, but that's where he kept saying, but it's not a real wedding, guys.
This is the thing that he has that you're saying.
You sound like his lawyer.
Like, that's the one.
I never got married, guys.
We never went through with it.
I got cold bowls.
Yeah, but the thing is, like, what is it?
It's very upsetting and it's horrible.
And this man should be beaten in public.
But what is the crime?
What, you know, like, send daddy to parents.
Sounds like someone's got a pro-boner lawyer for you.
He has a history of this.
Yes, he always does.
Yeah.
He's got like pedophile stunts.
Same as pedophile.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's the thing, man.
He's a pedophile with that X-Factor.
He's a pedophile that's got a little something extra.
Well, it just sounds like he likes
extreme pedophile humor.
That's what it seems like he's more of a fan of, right?
He's described as a known pedophile wanted in the UK.
All right, I take it back.
I take it back.
I take it all back immediately.
I just wish we could call the episode extreme pedophile humor, but we can't.
We fucking can't.
Oh, God, the idea of just,
it's just a funny pedophile gig.
It's a mix-em-ups.
I mean, it's not a mix-em-ups when you hire staff.
Yeah, that's it.
It's not a mix-em-ups when you've got to do the six-month lead-time rental fee to get Disneyland Paris.
Can I tell you something that I'm more upset about still to this day?
Is that when I was a child one day, I'm at Disney World, and it was five o'clock came by, and then they were like, hey, listen, you got to leave because Elizabeth Taylor bought Disney World, and she's having a birthday party.
I actually
really, that made me really mad when I was a child.
I just wanted to, it stuck with me and I never forgave her.
I need the audience hang in here with me for a second to understand that
that is worse subjectively.
Yeah.
Than this UK pedophile.
Because they didn't kick anyone out of stream.
This is just an extreme pedophile humor.
Yeah.
This is an extreme pedophile, funny thing that happened.
Wow, it's so famous.
You didn't even get to go.
You didn't, it's so famous the day that you didn't even get to go, Eddie.
Yes, I know.
I know.
It's very, I was very mad about it.
There it is.
February 27th, 1992.
Wow, the exact day.
That was the day.
That was the day.
I'm glad I can remember.
So I was 11.
I was 11, tortured by fucking Elizabeth Taylor.
You know what?
Bitch, cut my Disney World Day short.
Truly, one of the worst parts about it was that they can definitely tell.
Look at the difference in the microphones.
That was supposed to be for the bio.
That was supposed to be for the bows.
So the staff didn't know.
The staff, if they put the tiny microphone stand there,
that means someone knew.
The tiny microphone microphone stand as evidence do you think the uk guy came in and he's like all right listen my wife i don't want you to say anything about my wife my fiancé me fiancé i don't want to say anything about me fiancé all right i just want you understand
she's a bit short
you know i want you to say nothing about her she's not like a little person and i'm not i mean she's a little person yeah
but she's not a capital l capital p little person you know what i'm saying yeah right yeah yeah yeah but she's small right?
If she's a bit small, is she small?
No, she's a bit small, just you know, don't even acknowledge it.
If you could, she's sensitive about her,
super sensitive about being super short, very sensitive.
So, where were her real parents?
I think they're dead.
We don't know.
We have no idea what happened to her parents.
We don't really know anything.
Is she Ukrainian?
She's Latvian.
Latvian.
Where is that?
I think it's to the right.
I never hung out with those people.
Some more of Eddie's extreme pedophile here.
Yeah, I don't know where Lafayette is.
Oh, okay.
Oh, it's by Lithuania.
Yeah, I always knew that.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Just a couple clicks south of Estonia.
Oh, okay, great.
You know, you love Estonia.
It's near Poland.
Oh, definitely.
Yes.
Oh, God, pierogies.
Thank God they didn't mess with the Polish here.
We got to get you lunch.
Yes.
Yeah, something's going on.
We've got to get you lunch, too.
Yeah, yeah.
One of those.
I feel like that too.
I guess I'm just thinking about the catering of this wedding.
Tex-Mex.
God.
Just nothing nuggies and mac and cheese.
So what happened to this?
Nothing happened to this man, though, right?
It all got broken up, and then everybody just got disbanded right now.
And the investigation continues.
Okay.
That's what all the both ends of both of the articles I was looking at say.
And it was in France, so I imagine they gave the kid cigarettes and sent him home.
I'm pretty certain they gave him a glass of wine.
They allowed him to drive home.
Yeah.
You know, I think that in Paris, it's just, but yeah, I think the main issue was that
nobody was was told, and nobody brought a gift.
Wow.
And that's like one of the biggest issues they said was when they canceled it.
It was just because in Paris, normally they are fine.
What's that say?
I can't read it.
The investigations, including the medical examination of the minor, a Ukrainian national, showed that she had not been subjected to any violence or coheresive acts.
Yeah, she wasn't like, she's just been, apparently, the way this guy was pitching it was that he was doing this as some beautiful princess-like moment for the little girl to have but that's like you do it i would even do it with another little boy but why does it have to be a wedding you definitely don't need yeah it doesn't need to be a wedding it could be like you conquered erundale or something honestly and yeah with pedophiles keep that out of it and people won't be that interested in it if it was just a party nobody would have known yes again there's a big issue which we said about when you call something a wedding they upcharge he's been charged with fraud breach of trust and money laundering and identity theft Yeah, because he pretended he faked
all the stuff.
He faked all the paperwork.
Breach of trust is a crime in Europe?
Yes.
Interesting.
Yes, it's one of the worst worst crimes someone can do.
It's like that and being a hypocrite.
How many years do you get for being a hypocrite there?
It's very, honestly, it's the worst crime you can do there.
Well, you know, outside of marrying a child, almost marrying a child.
You know, who really doesn't like
children?
Who?
Irish nuns.
You know why?
Because they found 796 796 dead babies executed,
or
expected to be found hidden in a septic tank at an unwed mother's home run by nuns.
Now, is there, can I, this might be an insensitive question,
but is there like a chute to throw them down into it?
I imagine.
Like, is it one of those things that they pop the border out or they pop the thing out?
Like, are they doing abortions or this just, is these just kids that have died?
Many of the infant remains are feared feared to have been dumped in a cesspool known as the pit.
The total.
The People's Improv Theater.
Yes, that's right.
That's where we started our careers.
Wow.
A total of 798 children died at the home between 1925 and 1961.
That's a lot.
It's a lot.
So are they saying that they died by their hands or do they die naturally and then dumped in a pit?
It seems like they may have died by their hands.
There's no way to know just yet.
The other 700 and
two of the 796 were actually buried.
The rest of them were sent down into the septic tank.
Wow, I was right.
There was like a
shoot.
Yes.
They do threw down like a pair of, like a bunch of laundry, like old, like old shirts.
Yes.
The Bond Secures mother and baby home was demolished in 1971.
It is now surrounded by a modern apartment complex.
Oh, great.
So now, yes, so this apartment complex is haunted by little babies.
Wee, we, we, we, we.
That's fucking crazy.
No, it should just be a secure mom's home.
It was.
This trail wasn't super secure for the children.
The home was a maternity home for unwed mothers and their children run by religious order of Catholic nuns.
And the Irish home.
The Catholics did something bad.
I know.
Isn't it crazy?
What the fuck, Eddie?
This is wild.
So they were killed, but I feel like they're going to probably say a lot of these babies were like dead already.
The unmarried pregnant women would be sent to home to give birth and would be interned for a year to do unpaid work.
They were separated from their newborn children and would be raised by the nuns until they were adopted.
Yep, that is, that means it's like when you send the dog to go walk, run in a field everywhere, and they just turned it into an ottoman or something.
Like, that's literally that version of that.
Is that wrong?
Yeah,
is that offensive?
I mean, you know, this whole thing is very upset.
Yeah, everyone's very, I imagine people are super upset.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, especially when you find 798 victims.
Margaret Maggie O'Connor gave birth to one of the babies named Mary Margaret at the home when she was.
Whoa, Mary Margaret.
Yes.
Well, that's probably the name of half of them.
I know.
Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure.
But she was a victim of sexual assault, and she gave birth.
And then the girl died six months later, and the mother only found out when a nun told her.
So they don't really know if the nuns were...
killing the kids or not it seems like well yeah it sounds like the nuns let's just say they were trying to find a way to didn't come back on them because nuns are sneaky.
Yes, nuns are liars.
They told you that the child of your sin is dead.
Yeah, that is like literally it.
Nuns are little, little nuns are sneaky little fucks.
Nuns are liars.
Nuns will do whatever.
Nuns don't want you to have a baby.
They want you to be a fucking, they want your vagina to seal clothes.
Yes, they originally would call the women fallen women.
Oh, yes.
Yes, and they were called fallen women, mostly applied to sex workers.
But they also
took the term seduced women, victims of rape or incest.
Like the idea of calling a woman that is a victim of rape of incest a seduced woman is such a fucking
cruel.
Yeah, it is
extremely cruel.
The last of the Magdalene laundries closed their doors in the 1990s.
Ireland's government issued a formal state of apology in 2014.
And in 2022, a compensation scheme was set up to be paid out in the equivalent of $32 million to the 814 survivors.
They're fucking 32.
They're just going to pay them off, huh?
I mean, they got to do something.
I don't know what the Catholic Church loves paying people off.
I mean, they got plenty of fucking money.
That's for
fucking certain.
I went to Catholic school growing up.
Oh, yes.
And it was all run by Irish nuns, and they were crazy.
They're awful.
There was a couple that were nice, but Sister Kathleen hated me.
She gave me a detention for talking in the bathroom and sneezing.
And then Sister Dolores hit me.
And I never really talk about her hitting me because, you know, whatever.
Yeah, I mean, it was just back in the day.
Yeah, it was all corporal punishment.
I recently went back to the old uh saint joan of arc uh school and i was like i was like oh you know just nostalgic i wanted to walk around the church because i haven't been there in like 20 something years or whatever and so i'm walking around and i go into the uh the store because the church has a store and i go in the church i was like you know just like don't they already get enough fucking money from us every fucking week amen you know we don't need you know i agree with you but i'm in the store and i'm sitting i'm like yeah you know i used to go here you know what happened to the nuns they're like oh sister ellen just passed away i couldn't believe it because i thought she'd been dead forever and i was like oh yeah and she told me some of them are still alive i was like that's amazing i was like what about sister dolores and then that's the handwriting teacher that hit me without me saying anything she's like you know they say that she hit the children and i was like she hit me she hit me i was one
man
what do they say what do they say to you she was like oh oh wow i was like yeah so i can go ahead and confirm that for you give me 20 yeah
i want 20 right now that's what i would say i don't you guys like giving out money to victims yeah but they sent them all back to Ireland.
I wonder if any of these chicks knew
these women,
which is very crazy.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, 798 dead babies expected to be found.
Do you think convents have competitions amongst themselves?
How many babies they can rack up?
I mean, this one takes the cake, I think.
I don't know.
Wasn't there
another one in Ireland that had like a thousand canvas?
And another one was a huge amount of babies, just like just the same thing.
It was just like a giant refuse pile of babies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I mean, it happens, it does happen, it happens, unfortunately.
It happens, it happens because
no one took the time to look at this shit forever ago.
No one's checking on these nuns, you know.
Everyone just believes that.
No, I get it.
No, tell me.
And like, these kids are being born and they're not being logged.
You know, I would like to get, all right, 100 years ago, this shit's different.
If you want me back, Catholic church, hire me.
I'm going to fucking get all these guys back into shape.
I'm going to get everybody back into shape.
That's what I'm doing.
All I want is I want my nuns to be lesbians for older women.
I mean, there are a lot.
I want my priests to either be unable to have sex due to issues, like literally they can't physically have sex, or they are so closeted and strange that even just touching another person will make them cry.
That is how I want my priests.
I want them so afraid of human touch and so afraid of human engagement that they would never do anything that bad.
And they just keep to fucking making shit up every week on the back of that that that podium yeah or that's why i'd say work on your sermon every single time you want to go suck something go work on a sermon also i want chick priests when these nuns obviously they're they're doing they're too much they're just all i know is that i will say chick priests is not going to keep altar boys from getting from getting sucked on unfortunately because how many chicks have like like there's been a whole rash of younger women teachers coming out being revealed that they've been like you know
it always makes them news, but I guarantee there's way more men doing it and it's well the men the men who do it it's way more it's kind of the opposite where there's men do it and it's a whole like obviously they're a predator and stuff.
It's just until the last like 10 years that a hot female teacher can have sex with a 13 year old and people are gonna be like you're a pedophile.
Like it's so hard for people to do that for with one of those types of women too, because it's taken so long for us to not go up to the 13-year-old and go like, yeah, kid, yeah.
Now we know that, no, he was raped.
Yes, no, it was a big deal.
Yeah, so yeah, so of course, you know,
don't go to Catholic school.
Hey, if you could, I mean, unless it's free.
But some Catholic schools.
It's not free.
No.
But Catholic schools are better than some of the public schools in certain areas, but that doesn't mean you should go.
I feel like then when it comes down to it.
School of Hard Knocks, join circus.
You know,
when I went to Catholic school, I eventually told my parents like at sixth grade, I was like, listen, I'm going to fail on purpose if you don't send me to public school.
You did a great,
and they sent me to public school.
And you did the Gandhi.
That's Gandhi's version of passive resistance.
It was easy to convince my father, too.
I was like, I want to go to free school.
And he's like, you got it, son.
I hate God just as much as anybody else, but not as much as this guy.
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Now, this guy, I wanted to talk a little bit about this guy.
I don't know how this guy went under my radar.
Is this an old story?
You told me me about it today.
I have
to read the article, so you got to tell me about it.
It's brand new.
Adam Christopher Scheaff, when he did this,
he was from Maricopa County.
She's from Flagstaff, Arizona, best city in Arizona.
And he broke into a pastor's home and crucified him to his wall.
And then he pulled him off and then he found him dead in his bed.
Wow.
It's bad.
I don't need to laugh.
I mean, it's just a lot of effort.
I mean, you got to bring a stud finder.
Oh, God, that's the worst part.
Yeah, I'm so bad at that.
Yeah, because it keeps pointing back to me.
Hey, hey.
Now, William Schoenerman was dead.
But the thing is that is really intense is that it's the statement from
Sheef that is truly upsetting.
I'm going to send this to you,
Rob.
I forgot to send this to you.
So when did this plan come to fruition?
You're thinking about this.
You want to carry out this
hit list?
Yes.
A hit list.
Sure.
14 pastors.
That's right.
Around the nation.
To surround the nation.
Starting in Arizona?
Starting in Arizona where I was born.
Where it starts is where it ends, like the Garden of Eden.
I start in Phoenix where I was born on this life, and I'm going to end in Phoenix, where I was baptized, which I don't appreciate, when I was three years old by my parents.
You know, I'm baptized in a belief that is completely false.
So you get to Phoenix.
I get to Phoenix.
I just set up a tent under a tree on Olive Street and I followed that priest home Sunday after Easter service and when he pulled into his driveway the two women came out of the garage.
I'm not interested in executing anyone other than the pastors or the shepherds leading the flock astray.
I need to find pastors or priests that live alone.
See, yeah, he's intense.
So this guy is real, real intense.
His plan was to crucify 14 pastors.
Okay.
He only got to one.
He only got to one.
You know, it takes a lot of noise.
Because it's just, and it sounded like it was really hard.
And he said that his main issue, his car broke down.
No.
He said that was like super, which is again, and that is the thing that people always forget, auto maintenance.
Yeah, no.
And how if you got big plans in life, it's super important you stay on top of it.
That's why we think our partners over at Nissan, that we're going to be giving Sheef a brand new Nissan
Priest Finder.
Have you seen this?
These Nissan Priest Finders are one of the coolest fucking new things in the Nissan Ultimatum.
But I did say people like this guy.
People like this pastor.
Was he beloved?
He seems like a beloved guy.
He actually looks like a nice guy.
They all say that they were beloved.
He's got that cool hat.
He did that little Santa Claus beard.
He is adorable.
He does look like sorry that he got killed.
He didn't need to be crucified.
No, no.
He looked like he was just easy to catch.
I mean,
I think that
that's what the man was going for.
But, you know, he was foiled.
He can't crucify again.
No, unless a priest comes to prison.
God.
There's plenty of priests in prison.
Oh, my God.
That's a fun day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a funny day.
You know, if there's a priest in the prison as a prisoner, they're definitely fucked.
Oh, yeah.
But the one that comes to give sermons, you know, I'm sure he'll be protected.
He might be.
But Chief says he wants the death penalty immediately.
Oh.
So he's very much so that is a man that was very sure of what he wanted in this life.
Yeah.
And he made it happen for himself.
And you know what I'll also say?
It's kind of nice is that like, yeah, obviously, like, no one's like super happy with this.
But
it showed that Adam Schieff, who was 51 years old, he made his dream happen at 51.
Yeah, he had a goal.
And that's like a thing that a lot of people discount.
Is that Hebrew?
Yeah, he does have some Hebrew on there.
He's got a lot of mixed messaging in his tattoos.
He's angry.
I don't think he was thinking about the overarching theme of his tattoos when he was getting them.
Yeah.
But I'll just say
you can start at 51.
Yeah.
And that's, I think that's the biggest thing you could get out of the story.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, Gene Hackman started in his 40s.
You know, I mean, he's a grandma Moses.
Grandma Moses.
Roger.
He started killing pastors when she was 77.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like that was huge.
Like, that's crazy.
This guy is very very serious.
I'm surprised this isn't a bigger story.
I think that people.
If he would have got another one, it would have been.
Just one more.
And somebody would have cared.
God, I just would have got it.
God, I could have got it.
One more.
Yeah, man.
This is very, this is wild.
I can't believe this man did this.
I mean, he crucified him in his own home.
Crucify him.
See, when you say crucify, though, I would expect a crucifix.
No, you see, crucifixion, I think that that's why it's kind of like
not fully there yeah
yeah yeah that's you know because yeah obviously eddie yeah you should add a crucifix you gotta it takes that would be cool definitely takes more time oh and but i believe in him even more that's for certain yeah i believe in crucifixion yeah no i think it also you got to get some uh some tall trees in the backyard if you're going to crucify someone and not get caught you know you got to make sure that there's some coverage can i get some privacy bushes here yeah i've been really good just kind kind of want to get away.
I plan on starting a crucifixion.
And I want to start, though.
You know, the first crucifixion will just be animals.
Let me ask you this.
But have you started your crucifixion yet?
Because if you haven't, I'd love to help kind of consult on that.
Yeah, we do a lot of gardening, but we also do a lot of religious-based tortures as well.
Yeah,
are you considering a rope crucifixion or a nail?
I want to nail that fucker.
I want to nail him to the fucking stick.
No problem.
We could do that.
Well, you know, we're going to look at a bit of it.
You know, it it might, you know, increase some of our costs, but
now, do you need Romans?
Yeah, I hate Italians.
All right, you want to tell that silly story?
Yes.
Tell a silly story.
See, this is light, good-hearted fun for me.
Oh, yeah.
So, this is a Dart Pro used.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
This is a great story.
There was a man who won a controversial Dart
contest, a
How he won was controversial.
Because he loaded up stinky farts on the man, on his opponent, and then he won.
Because everyone knows you like the smell of your own, but you don't like the smell of someone else's.
But this is truly, it's devastating.
It's not illegal, I don't think.
They can't, they can't.
They're trying to like fight him now because they're saying that he won the championship.
They're like trying to like take it, strip him of it.
I say he's like the champion now, but you can make a rule for the future.
If there is any sport where crop dusting as an offensive measure or defensive measure, I think it's more defensive measure.
Yes.
And it's not darts, then I don't want to watch darts or be a part of darts.
That is a bar sport that hinges on farts being loud as a part of it.
It's the only sport that you can smoke and drink.
Yes.
And while you're due, and you could smoke.
The old days,
I've fallen into holes of watching old dart competitions?
That's pretty great.
I love watching all, and it's just nothing like seeing a big, fat, crooked-tooth, cockney bastard, just like no physical big, huge gut, sucking on a beer snine, and just fucking be the champion.
Yeah, you know, like it's incredible, it's incredible life.
Now, can we play one of these videos?
Yeah, yeah.
So, this is the first time that he did it a couple years ago, and this is the first clip of that.
He is smiling from here.
His competitor looks like Anne Burrell.
That's where she was.
So James Wade won it.
And James Wade, he kind of described if you can't really hear it necessarily, but you can hear it a little bit.
We'll maybe pump it up after.
He throws the darts in, and then as he's walking toward to collect his darts, he lays a massive fart on his competition.
He's a juicy one, yeah.
You could tell.
The competitors met, he's angry.
Like, you can see him.
He goes, ah, fuck.
And the smile, the sweet, satisfied smile on his face.
So now, this is the second time he's done this.
The second time is a little more offensive, I have to say.
As someone who's a fan of this guy immediately,
I will say the second time he did it was a little egregious.
Yeah, it's too smart.
Yeah.
You see, he like holds the table on that one.
You know, he really braces himself.
Yeah, see, that's the problem with that one.
I think that it's too much of a setup.
The other one was so.
It was mid-stride.
You could almost feel like I had to fire it.
I had to fire.
And then it was, what are you going to do?
I was holding it in since the last go.
But this one, he like took time, went over to the side, gripped the corner of the table, and then laid it loose.
So that is, I would say.
The second one, I don't agree with.
That's the closest I put towards,
like, that he's messing with stuff.
I feel like the second one, he is what got him in trouble.
I think so.
I think the first one was brilliant.
Yeah, the first one was well done.
And this is just too un you know what this is?
You know what this is?
This is deflate gate.
But for darts.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right?
Because they all do it.
Yeah.
Right?
They all do it, right?
Everyone was doing the deflate gate stuff.
Everybody was messing with the balls.
Everyone's doing this stuff.
These guys fart and shit on top of each other all day long.
There's no way that they don't.
It's all about the egregiousness and making an example out of someone.
And so when it comes down to it, is that if you are the best of the best and you're still farting, then we really have to think about this.
Did Tom need
to really go that far in deflating the balls?
I mean, it helped him.
It made him a little bit better.
But everybody does it.
And he won.
Yeah.
So it's not a budget.
I mean, honestly, I don't think it's unless you put in the rules no farting.
Also, if you put no farting in the rules, then go fuck yourself also.
This is a drunk.
I can't fucking fart.
This is a drunken sport.
Fear farts are a real thing.
I legitimately, if I was UK and I am,
I would sit outside of the DART competition.
I would do this legitimately.
There should be a square taped on the ground where you can fart.
Oh, interesting.
And you can go and fart and burp and curse or do whatever, smoke your cigar
in the smelly square.
And you go into the smelly square and you hang out there and you can do that.
You can do all that while you can get it all out.
And then you go back into the darts because then I think now you're going to need a fart ref.
Yes.
I mean, now you're going to need Saga because, again, that's flagrant.
Can you say that?
I'm going to call that a flagrant.
That was a flagrant fart.
A fragrant.
Fragrant.
Fragrant flagrant.
Yes.
But I'm not.
But I'm also not angry with him.
Because you you know what?
My daddy taught me.
Win.
A W is a W.
That's right.
That's what my fucking daddy said.
My daddy said, fucking, you get up a winner and you have that trophy, and then all the losers can fucking eat your fart juice.
Yeah, no, he is a champion, and you can't say he's not a champion.
That's champion behavior.
Yeah, no, no, he's a winner.
I appreciate that.
That's champion fucking behavior.
Never stop digging.
Never stop going for that itch.
Never trying to make that cut.
You gotta make that cut.
Yep.
So I'm with you, buddy.
Congrats.
I'm
We like you.
James Wade,
come on in.
Like you.
I would invite you in if I wasn't worried about you farting so much.
Oh, no, we're having him over Zoom.
Yeah,
he's a Zoom interviewer.
Can we get an interview with him?
I can try.
I'll reach out to him.
Let's get an interview.
Because I'd actually love to know more about.
I think that professional darts are the funniest of all of them.
He's pretty big.
I don't know if we can get him, but I'll try.
The professional darts, because he also, because have you seen the professional corn hole?
Oh, I love professional cornhole.
The guy with no no legs?
I didn't see.
I don't know about that.
The champion or cornhole right now is the guy with no legs.
Am I left foot guy?
No, he is a right foot.
This guy has got nothing.
This guy ain't got nothing.
He's nothing but stumps.
Oh, he's all hands and arms.
Oh, okay.
Which is the only thing you need for cornhole.
Is he in a chair?
He ain't no hands and arms either.
Nope.
Interesting.
I didn't know that.
No hands, no legs.
Cornhole champion.
Wow.
The man is literally all torso and dick.
Whoa.
And he is a champion cornhole.
He's better than any one of you.
Well, he's closer to the hole.
No, he's not.
It's the same line.
It's the same amount of line.
He's on the same one.
It's the same line.
It's the same line.
Look at that.
Oh, I didn't know he had no hands, too.
That's what I'm saying.
No hands, dude.
Oh, he's got no hands.
No.
Oh, yeah.
Look at him flip that shit.
I mean, he'll make your wife come.
I would feel so bad beating this guy.
No, you can't because he fucking, that's what he's using against you.
He beats everybody else, though.
Yeah.
He's using it against you.
And he just got another one.
And he jumps forward, too.
I don't think, I think this guy's going to be.
No, they're allowed.
It's look at the other guy because he's carrying it across the line anyway.
With that, your foot can't cross the line.
He's whole everything crosses.
But not until after the thing's released.
It's not until after the cord hole's released.
Buckets, though, dude.
Come on.
Yeah, I think he's cheating.
You're gonna fucking walk up to the man with no hands and no legs that is fucking crushing it every day.
Is this more of your extreme pedophile humor?
Where you would laugh at this man with no hands and legs as he's wiping the floor, not just with his shirt, where he's wiping the floor with the competition.
I would honestly, though, he's on the ground.
If the farter went against him, he would definitely win.
Because he's right at fart level.
Yeah, he does.
He's right there.
Nated from Fartech.
Oh, my God.
I think that.
Oh, my God.
We got to bring him together.
We do.
This is also if they could do it as a team, too.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This would be amazing.
Dayton Weber.
Shout outs to you, Dayton Weber.
Dayton Weber, dude.
What a fucking champion, man.
He really is.
I was making fun, but he is a fucking champion.
No, he is a fucking deck.
Look at that stack of money.
It's cornhole.
Oh, my God.
He's got a big old necklace.
I love this.
Yeah, of course, dude.
Of course he does.
Hell yeah.
Good.
No, dude.
This man made, like, that's insane.
That's fucking crazy that he can do that.
How did he lose his limbs?
Apparently, it was just irresponsibility.
Squad amputee.
So, there's a story there for sure.
We'll try to get him, too.
We'll talk about it.
I want them together.
We should have a sports.
We should have a sports roundtable where we talk to all of these sportsmen.
I'd like this.
Talk to this style.
Real sports.
Because Joey Chestnut's coming back this year.
Joey Chestnut's going to be fucking champion again.
I can't wait.
It's time for.
I just knew that seat was empty for far too long.
I will say, when Tyson came back, not as good.
No.
Jordan came back, not as good.
Well, Jordan was just, Jordan was distracted by all the gambling and getting his father killed.
And then the stuff with, I mean, Joey Chestnut, I don't know.
Does the muscle relax?
I i don't know he well he's i didn't realize how much of a champion he really was i thought it was just a hot dog thing i didn't realize he owned like
like dozens of food uh consumption titles he's smart he's no he's good at it he's got dozens of he's got clams all that shit big fucking tubes yeah he sucks it down shrimp no what do you what item what food item do you think you could take you can go hard on i can't eat fast but i can eat that's like i don't like the speed yeah but for amount
i can guarantee I have eaten,
I can eat a pound of shrimp just me.
Yeah.
I bet you I could eat five.
Yeah, no, I think.
I think I could eat three to five pounds of shrimp.
I think shrimp might be the thing I can do the most of.
And chicken, and chicken wings.
Chicken wings.
See, chicken wings, I get full.
Shrimp,
I can just keep going.
I almost don't ever get full on chicken wings.
I'm always slightly hungry after I've eaten a basket of chicken wings.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
I can eat a bunch more.
I definitely get full on chicken wings, but I think shrimp, I mean, should we do this?
No.
I would love to take you on.
Well, we should talk about this for Summerham.
Summerham, yeah, shrimp contest.
Yes.
Yeah, because Summerham, we skipped Summerham last year, and I don't think we're going to have time to do it this year.
No, but I'm bringing it on the whole thing.
It's going to be one of our big phase three.
2026.
Yeah.
2026.
Oh, you don't know.
We're doing Summerham.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So keep your eyes peeled.
Henry and I are going to have a sandwich-based competition.
I guess shrimp powboys could be in there.
I just want shrimp in there.
Now I just want shrimp.
Yeah, now I want shrimp.
This has been a very food-heavy.
It was coming from you, and now you infected me with that.
I ate before coming here.
Yeah, no, no, no, I seven.
Listen, we got to end this.
We have to end.
It has to.
Uh, I'll just get to these letters next week.
Yeah,
these letters next week.
I got a couple of letters here, but we had so many fun stories that one wanted to get to him.
We even forgot about the angry beekeeper and the he was driving drunk, and the cops pulled him over, and then he leashed his bees on them, yeah, which is an amazing ability.
I mean, that's the whole story.
That's the only story,
get them bees.
Yes, my mighty bees, they rise, rise.
The bees, they rise.
Like, that's amazing.
He got them, too.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Cops ran.
That is the, I will say, again, we ain't giving you a lot of tips here.
Bees fuck cops up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so if you've got hundreds of bees,
there's a lot of stuff you can do.
Keep them in your car.
Yeah.
They have to be ready to load it.
They can't be loaded and angry.
Wasps are better.
No, wasps actually are not better.
What do you mean?
They're not better.
Wasps are not better.
Biggers are better for it.
For attack?
I believe.
For a big crowd of them.
Yeah.
Wasps are more angry than bigger.
Side stories, L P O T L L G mild.
Beggars are friends.
I know that, but I also don't know what you.
Well, let me just ask.
Yes.
Let me ask the veterinarians in a room trying to find a way to get away with
fucking old.
I'll tell you that.
I know.
I know, anyway.
Entomologists can be a little younger, but I would appreciate it.
Live every day trying to be the youngest entomologist that's ever been.
Love the fact that you're nine and you love bugs and you don't want to to get married to a 39-year-old man unless he's really ready to commit.
Right?
Because you're not laughing at his extreme pedophile humor.
You came all the way from the Ukraine to get married.
That's right.
And now you're angry because you're in Florida and it's hot and you want to get back to the war.
And you are sick and tired of being in this hotel room because it's facing the parking lot and you hate the view.
And I get it.
So sorry, nine-year-old.
Yeah.
Listen, we're going to be in Atlanta this weekend.
Come out to the side story shows at Dad's Garage sold out.
Sold out.
You're fucked.
Yeah, yeah.
But the night before, on the 28th of June, this is, I think, Saturday night.
We're going to be at the Coca-Cola Roxy in Atlanta.
Come check us out.
Henry and I got a show at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City on July 11th.
And then the following night, we're going to be doing last podcast and I left at Sandy Amphitheater on July 12th.
August 7th, Asheville Orange Peel selling out fast, Asheville.
Love you, Asheville.
Can't wait.
Yeah, so if you haven't, if you want to go to...
We're almost fully sold out.
Yeah, that one's actually almost done.
So get in there now.
September 21st, Henry and I are going to be at Truman Hall in Kansas City.
Crimewave at c.com slash left to go on our cruise.
We're going to have a lot of fun there.
That starts on 11 3rd out of Fort Lauderdale.
November 3rd out of Fort Lauderdale.
And November 30th, Henry and I will be in Columbus at the Newport Music Hall, having a blast there.
Truly.
And just so you know, this week is a big week for me on LPN.
I'm on a special nerd of mouth this week, and I'm also going to be on page 7 this week.
So
keep a listen out for that.
Fuck yeah, and go and check out all our new YouTube channels: LPN TV, The Foreign Report, LPN Romantic, Who's the Bee?
And we have so much stuff coming out for you guys.
Go on all the Insta socials and all the horse shit.
And we will see you next week.
All right.
Bye, you dirty fuckers.
Bye, you fuckers.
You're so dirty, you fucker.
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