Side Stories: The R Train

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There's no place to escape to.

This is the last podcast on the left.

Side stories?

That's when the cannibalism started.

Side stories.

Yes.

Well, Henry.

Oh, me?

Happy birthday week.

That's me.

It's your your birthday this week.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You're so excited.

You look great.

You look great.

You don't look a day over 41.

I'm 41, not yet.

Not yet.

You're going to be 41.

Yes, but I've been sick for days.

Yes.

Yeah, me too.

I think I gave it to you.

You did.

When we recorded the last podcast on the left, because you got sick and Marcus didn't, because I sit closer to you.

Yes.

And I was coughing.

You were coughing and sniffling.

Sniffling a bunch, but I still came to work because I care about you and I care about this job.

But then he went to go to the He was all the Grateful Day at this fear.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I didn't really get completely better.

And what did you do all weekend?

I laid in my filth.

Hell yeah.

I watched, I played BG3 and I got a new girlfriend.

I did get a new girlfriend at Boulder's Gate.

Yeah.

I'm fucking Lazelle as well.

I'm having sex with Shadowheart.

She's more kind of my emotional girlfriend.

Lazelle and I are kind of

friends with Benny.

She's around without like fucking, she doesn't have a job.

She's just collecting social security no no she's working very

she's no she's not lazy as hell that is a contraction lay's all is a githianke name is there last name is it is there um is it susan

lay's all susan that's funny welcome to side spit around i know i remember my name is henry zebrowski she is not she's a squirter and it's spitter i'm sitting here with ed larson who is picking apart you can have one of my rats i don't want the rat oh my god i can't believe you don't want the rat I am at a low today.

You're at a low?

I am at, I am.

Are you sad that you're getting older?

Are you sad because you're sick?

Are you sad because you're dog

every single layer of it?

I actually feel nothing about the age.

It's mostly that I feel like dog shit for days and I want to party so bad.

I am in a party mood.

I wish that I could go out there and have fun and I can't right now and it sucks.

I feel like a child.

Trying on Thursday, bro.

LPN Funhouse.

Come on out.

You're going to see me struggle live on the 1th of May, the day after this comes out on LPN TV, twitch.tv slash LPN TV from 4 p.m.

Pacific to

sometime.

We're partying for you, 4 p.m.

to 8 p.m.

Thursday.

You're going to come in and I'm doing it all.

I'm leaving early.

I'm not.

I'm locked in for the entire four hours.

It should be a lot of fun.

Yeah, I'm not, because P Funk's in town.

I'm like, we should go see our favorite band on your birthday.

And you're like, no, we must work.

I was we must, we must do this.

It was boy.

We were going to hang out with George Clinton on your birthday.

And you were like, no, Eddie, Holden says we work.

And what Holden says goes.

I am.

Right?

Because you promoted him and now he's above you.

I am.

Honestly, I can't wait to quit.

I can't wait for him to take this over.

Yeah, sorry, guys.

He's taking over the seat.

He's coming here.

He's going to talk.

No, Eddie.

No.

Yeah, no.

I love all of this.

There's no way I wanted to go hang out with George Clinton.

I didn't want to.

No, it's not true.

I am excited to be part of the LPN Funhouse.

It was booked first.

Now, this is, and that is called, that's called how it is.

But not only am I excited for that, but then next week we're going to be all throughout Florida.

We're going to have a lot of fun.

Oh, my God, dude.

I'm very excited.

Toronto, which is sold out.

And then

it's sold out.

Go screw.

I think it's oversold.

Yeah, we're going to have to kick people out.

We're going to have to kick people out, or like at least I think someone's actually going to have to sit on my back.

Yes, someone's going to have to be very cool.

We're having people come on stage.

Yeah, we're going to have people who come on stage and just sit there and interrupt, I think.

Yes.

Yes, throw shit at us.

Can't wait.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're doing it.

It's called the Hurdle Show.

Yeah, no, I want to see how hot you can get Tim Horton's coffee and throw it on Henry.

It can get up to, I guess, it's like 49 Celsius.

I don't know what the legal hottest temperature is in in Canada.

But we can't wait to see you all.

Oh, yeah.

We have a lot of, we have a couple updates.

Well, you teased the Florida thing, but you didn't tell people where to go.

Fort Lauderdale on the 7th, we're doing side stories at the Fort Lauderdale improv.

And on the 8th, we're going to be Orlando at the funny ball with the first show sold out.

Yes.

Second show's almost sold out.

So if you're going to Orlando, come.

Fort Lauderdale still has some tickets.

And then also, I'm going to be solo in Naples on May 6th and the entire weekend in Key West from May 9th to 11th.

Let's get into some updates.

First off, we got footage.

Oh, we got the footage, bro.

Well, I had, first of all, I just want to say I got really good feedback from one of the most precious, longtime fans of this show that is close to me and told me, and I hear her, I heard her, and I'm absorbing her.

And she said that she felt that we were coming a little hard at Jillian Shiner.

It said we were kind of maybe insinuating some stuff about the, then this is the wife of the bassist of Weezer.

Yeah.

What's his name?

His name's like Steine Sheiner?

Steve Sheiner?

Sean Sheiner?

Shiner Brothers.

Scott Shiner.

Yeah, yeah.

I love Weezer.

I love Steiny Shiner.

Steimee Shiner is my favorite guy.

Yeah.

And his wife, Shiner Glock, I love her.

But, you know, we kind of came a little bit hard about, you know, kind of saying that she's like, but honestly, I really looked into it and I talked with my friend.

And it's true, Jillian Scheiner was doing some really, really great work within the true crime community.

She was out there.

What was she doing?

She did a book about Samuel Little, the serial killer, that she apparently was the one that got him to confess.

Oh.

And basically talk about the, he said he had a photographic memory and he was painting pictures of the various sex workers that he had killed in the various decades that he was a serious, a serial killer.

We've never covered him, right?

No, because there's really not a heck of a lot to the story.

There's like, we know that he's a very mean,

mad man.

He's very big.

He was a semi-pro boxer.

He also was.

All sounds incredible to me.

But then he's a serial killer of sex workers.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, for the show, it's incredible.

But not enough.

We don't know enough

about it.

We just know those things.

Then they all come from his mouth.

Samuel Little is also one of the least dependable of them, as far as I'm concerned.

Okay, so we could have a, what's his name again?

The guy who lied all the time?

Which one?

We did two updates on him that are coming out soon.

A confession killer confession.

No, yes.

Henry Lee Luce.

Henry Lee Luz.

It's very, very possible.

But Jillian Scheiner was a really good.

She worked really hard.

Now, the reason why we talked about her is because there was a high-speed chase that went through their very fancy neighborhood in Los Angeles.

And she decided.

Is Eagle Rock really fancy?

Now it is.

Okay.

It's got some good.

I guess if Weezer's living there, it's got to be kind of fancy.

They've got great houses.

They really do have great houses.

It's a bit crunchy for me.

It's not my style.

But now now what we have seen is that we know that last week, right before Weezer headlined Coachella, they went and they this she inserted herself, it seemed to be in the hunt for

these people that were running from a high-speed chase that were armed.

She herself was armed.

She was in her front yard of her home while the police were looking for the suspects.

She had the gun out and she was gesturing with the gun.

The police then apparently shot her in the exchange.

We now have the body cam footage, and when you watch it, you really can't see she really was quite confident with the handgun and the police.

And I'm just going to put this out there for anybody.

This is no longer a...

I'm not trashing this woman.

She seemed to be scared slash righteous slash.

She made a.

She does not seem scared.

She seems like she's very much in charge of her yard.

Yes.

And she has the the gun and she,

the problem is the police officers all go, put the gun down, put the gun down, put the gun down over and over again.

You hear them communicating amongst each other.

You put your fucking gun down.

Which is, again, I'm just going to say.

No judgment on a character.

You're just going to want to be really careful with when you have a gun and the police are there and they have their guns.

Because the thing about police is that they're jumpy.

And they are not ready.

They're not ready.

Most of them are not ready.

they're not well trained like so i actually got a reach out from as we talked about it because i said maybe the cops were pulling it away because we know that she was only injured because they open up fire on her they shot a bunch of times they're either exercising her white privilege or horrible shots because she because they shot like what eight times and one of the hardest parts is that she does shoot first it does seem as if she pops off a shot as well she lifts the gun they They found a bullet casing from her gun that was also expelled.

So this was a very bad scenario.

But a police officer.

She's going to go to prison for attempted murder of a police officer?

There's right now,

they don't know what to do.

Because that's like, I don't know.

You shoot a gun at a cop, you're trying to kill him, right?

It's

I know we're trying to be nice to this woman, but because you have a friend of a friend, but at the same time, she fired a gun at a cop, and that seems like attempted murder.

Oh, I'm going to say that.

I'm going to say it's a big old mistake.

Whatever it is, it's a big old mistake.

But this officer that reached out to me said, We should be lucky.

She should be lucky that they are so poorly trained because they are not supposed to just win you.

Yeah.

They are supposed to riddle you with bullets.

And the problem is that she wasn't.

We're sick.

I got Henry sick.

Everybody's sick.

No, he's fine.

I'm going to be sick for a break.

No, no, no.

Don't worry.

It's already past.

It's already past.

Yay.

But she,

yeah, she got real lucky that they weren't well trained because she should be a corpse.

And because they did, they definitely spray her with bullets.

Yeah.

Or sprayed the yard with bullets.

And I tell you what, I feel like there's a couple other scenarios where if they did happen to spray everybody with bullets, it would have made things a lot more black and white.

And we actually maybe could have dealt with that.

Do you think they knew who she was?

I know that

they knew that she was a

rich lady in a yard packing a gun in the middle of an active investigation that she was involving herself in.

And technically, normally what would happen, they would either get you for obstruction, right?

They go and they'd be like, you know, they come and they

rile you up.

And most of the time, when they get you for obstruction, it's just to cool you out.

And a lot of times they'll just let you go.

A lot of times, if you show up at a crime scene and start yelling and screaming, one police officer will eventually.

I can't wait till I get to do that.

Me too.

I can't wait.

I'm going to.

And so they pop you in the back.

A lot of times they'll, depending again, it might depend on what color you are, but they pop you in the back of a car and they decide whether or not they're going to press charges against you.

Yeah.

If you're just fucking up the everyday kind of investigation, a lot of times they let you go.

A lot of times they just want you out of the way and then they get ready because it's hard to it because it's hard to charge with obstruction.

Yeah, because it's opinion.

Yes, and it's like a nothing burger charge.

It's like that doesn't do anything.

So they just kind of do it as an excuse to get you out of the situation.

She might get charged with obstruction because of this.

They might throw away the attempted minimum.

They might throw away the attempted murder and give her obstruction to be nice.

If she gets no obstruction firing a gun at a cop during a chase, I don't know.

Like that, like...

might as well cause riots in this city.

There was a date in January several years ago in which we kind of see the same thing happen, where the police are coming across a group of people that seem to be, let's just say they were storming a house that was white.

Yeah.

And they said, hey,

they scanned the crowd and instead of doing probably what they would have done in any other aspect, unless of course they were told to not open fire on them ahead of time because it was all a setup, they also then should have probably

killed all of those guys

in order to set the precedent that you don't do that.

But then it seems that that caused a lot of problems, as we can see.

That's kind of constantly rolling effect ever since then.

So it's interesting in some points where you don't want the police to use excessive force.

Most of the time, you really don't.

Most of the time, I'm praying for de-escalation.

No one should get shot by the police if you don't absolutely have to.

I don't want anyone to ever get shot by any cops or by anybody.

I believe police should have goo guns and net guns.

Like, legitimately.

That would be cool.

I don't really know why we don't.

I know we have them for crowd control.

I think technically something like a giant staying foam spray would be really good for a bunch of insurrectionists.

Yeah, because then it's like, you don't necessarily have to kill them.

You just got to watch.

You just got to kind of, someone has to come and clean them all up and arrest them.

Shotgun with salt bullets could be cool.

A lot of ways to do it, Eddie.

There's a lot of ways to discourage lots of different things without death.

A gun that's just got like a big boxing glove at the end of it.

Or just a thing that just says, like,

hey, you look gay.

You know what I mean?

Like a speaker that just, hey, you're looking gay.

It freezes these guys.

Maybe you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

It freezes them.

And so it's like, I feel like there's a, there's that.

But then during sometimes you wonder why they didn't use excessive force, and it seems to be another way for them to politically manipulate the situation.

Yeah.

But that's just my little opinion.

And what do I know?

I'm a fat piece of shit.

Amen.

So let's go.

And, you know, with your, with your cough, you're a little bit of a wheezer yourself.

I hope I don't have pneumonia.

I am dying.

Oh, well, so she got released.

You have old pneumonia.

I have old pneumonia.

It is definitely not the pneumonia.

No, yeah, she is released on $1 million bond.

Okay.

You only got to pay in 10%.

So she had 100 grand cash.

But I hope that this serves as a wake-up call.

Yeah.

And that she can get back to the good work.

Yes, yeah.

Get back to reporting reporting on that true crime.

She's facing attempted murder charges.

She is facing attempted murder charges.

Very much so.

Yeah, they're going to, no one's happy with her.

I mean, this is.

Maybe she could pick up some trash next to the highway or something.

I think that you're going to have to charge her.

Unfortunately.

I'm not into it.

I don't think the cops are in the business of making it okay to shoot at them occasionally.

It feels like, and now that that new executive order got signed, the police can call upon the military to come help them at any point.

It's going to be interesting.

It's interesting because they're already armed with all our old military.

So now they'll get the old stuff and the new stuff.

That's really cool.

Oh, yeah.

Good for them.

Also, we got another great update.

So Lori Vallo was allowed to comment upon her guilty.

Oh, she got, you know, obviously she got convicted of, she's already been convicted of killing her children and Tammy Daybell.

This time she was convicted in the murder of

the conspiracy to murder Charles Vallow, her husband, her ex-husband.

and she was allowed to talk on camera.

And it's the most horrible travesty ever.

It's just like

a webcam or?

No, it's a real reporter.

They went to, there's a big irresponsible thing that I saw with this Lori Vallo trial that I don't really understand where everyone started talking to the jury immediately.

Like, this is how you get shit thrown out.

Yeah, well, it's already happened, though.

The verdict came in.

But you can get your shit thrown out on appeal very easily if a juror slips and says something after the fact along the lines of, I heard XYZ or I, one of them came out the first thing out of his fucking mouth.

This one guy, there always one.

There's always one, which I'm a little jealous of because I have to be this guy.

Yes, but there's one guy that's doing this whole thing where he's like, I thought Lori was innocent.

I thought she was innocent the whole time.

And it wasn't until I told my granddaughter, like he was like,

basically talking about this thing.

And everyone's like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Shut the living fuck up.

Shut up.

Because you can very possibly get the whole thing thrown out very easily.

Yeah.

Because they're morons.

It's also, it was just extremely, Arizona's got very loose laws when it comes to the jury.

Yeah, and they also, but they also got loose laws with just locking people up.

Yeah.

Because they had that whole crazy jail for Joe R.

Pio life.

Oh, I remember that.

But Lori, yeah, Lori looks like shit.

She got an opportunity to put on makeup again that she made from a series, I guess, of berries and juice mixes that she's got.

Yeah.

Back in her blood.

Some blood.

Her hair is looking rough.

She's honestly, her face is kind of falling a little bit.

She's age is starting to show.

But thankfully, she happily gets to go back to her favorite jail in Idaho.

Yes.

That's really what she was missing.

And good on you, Lori, you fucking bitch.

And I hope somebody shanks you in jail, you fucking homicidal maniac.

I mean, it might happen, but I think, is she in Gen Pop?

I doubt it.

Right?

She's too popular.

Well, she apparently is in a woman.

She says she gives a series of spiritual counseling to some women that are in jail with her.

Oh, my God.

I bet she is like a weird little guru.

They all talk.

Everybody's got, they got nothing but time.

Yeah.

They can do nothing but hang out.

So they can sit and listen to her pontificate about her dumb shit and ideas, and they can all wait for Moroni to fucking pop them out of jail.

Yeah.

It's not like...

Anyone can get canceled when they're already in prison.

It was so hard.

It's so hard.

Honestly, because they're even canceled.

They're still going on tour from prison.

Yeah.

They're still putting out specials.

She's in isolated high security, is what it says.

Isolated high security.

Okay, yeah.

So ain't no one really hanging out with her.

She should do a podcast from jail.

I'm surprised they don't let her.

OPN.

Let's bring it here.

So you would like it.

I mean, in terms of that way, I could make it, but then maybe I could flip it on her.

You should interview her.

She's doing interviews.

I'd have a hard time not doing it without screaming at her.

Yeah.

Because that was the thing.

Even just watching it, I'm screaming at my YouTube.

I'm watching and being like, you fucking dumb bitch.

You pulling, but you're specifically not understanding the things that they are telling you.

You're specifically not understanding things because you want reality to be your way and it's not.

You killed your kids, you homicidal maniac.

It's so weird because when you get obsessed with things, I think you love these people, but then like when you actually start talking about them, you just start screaming and get all red-faced.

Yes.

Natalie is known to stood as well.

Sometimes you get angry.

Which is good.

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Hey, Eddie, what?

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What doesn't belong in my epic summer plans?

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Oh my gosh, it burns me all the time.

I know.

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Also, speaking of, we got a Diddy update.

Oh, yeah, lots of in-prison stuff.

But you know that they did a new

autopsy on Pop Jorge.

Mm-hmm.

Baby oil.

Baby oil?

All in in him.

No.

Ass.

Not Jorge.

Mouth.

Oh, no.

All over his chest.

Oh, my God.

Come residue on his butt.

Oh, my God.

How are they going to make him into a mummy?

Honestly, it's got to be so hard.

You've got to scrape all the stuff off first.

Well, you need oil in the Catholic Church to anoint.

You got to be anointing.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and he was anointing the fucking Sheba and back.

Man.

But yeah, apparently, Diddy claims.

Well, this is the new thing.

His defense attorney, who they're already talking too much.

Yes.

The government came at Diddy with this absolutely Byzantine series of charges.

I want to say it's something like hundreds of charges.

Yes.

They are now trying to say up front that one of their big defenses in the trial, I believe the trial date's set for like mid-May.

It's starting soon.

Oh, is it?

Yeah, the Diddy trial is starting soon.

Ooh, it's going to be good.

That's exciting.

Are you going to watch that one?

Of course.

But they are saying now, according to his defense attorney, he is trying to say that all of the years of all of the various parties, all the layers of all of the organization of the human trafficking and sex with minors in a group aspect and all of this shit, that he was simply too wasted to have planned all that himself.

Yeah, too drunk to fuck.

Too wasted

to fuck.

And it's just his defense.

And I just don't think.

It's not a defense.

Not for 25 years of rape.

Yeah, no.

You know what I mean?

It's like 25 years.

I mean, even one, it's not.

Organized.

Yeah, of course.

Frat boys go to prison occasionally.

All the time.

It's still rape.

And it's like they get full on.

He planned it.

Millions of dollars was put behind it.

Yeah.

Emails, texts, like plane tickets.

Catering.

Like, think about just the layers of that.

Catering, bar service, the DJ, all these things that were at these parties, just like any other giant Hollywood party.

Yeah, so there was an infrastructure in place.

The people that were all involved, Aston Kutcher's hanging out, his bosses from his record companies are hanging out.

They all knew what was happening.

Yes.

They all were talking about what's her name just came out.

Was it Coco?

Oh, no, Iced T and Coco.

And Coco said she went to every single one of them.

No, Coco.

Of course.

But Coco, don't say that.

Coco is trying to make a point.

I love Coco.

Not the Mexican skeleton.

No, I'd love.

I'd like that Coco more, though.

Good.

Yes, that Coco.

But Coco is saying that she was involved with all of these various things.

She's going to be involved with all this shit.

Oh, God.

Jesus, Henry.

What a good time for an audio medium for

you and I right now.

Yeah, no, no.

You're full wheezer.

Think about him dying.

I'm fucking dying.

I find it interesting.

He's not getting out of this.

No.

No one wants to go down with it.

There's hundreds of charges.

No one wants to go down with it.

And it's, I actually think that now, too, we're going to see even more.

Ghislaine, Maxwell from behind jail is trying, she's trying to get out.

She's trying to flip on whoever, the last bits that she can flip on.

She's trying to flip on Diddy.

Diddy is, this is where it's separate.

And it's why Diddy got arrested versus why Epstein didn't.

We talked about this a little bit.

Yeah.

Right.

I guess in the end, Epstein got arrested, but it was, I mean, who knows how all that was going to shake out before he killed himself or was allowed to kill himself.

Yeah.

So told, told, possibly.

You know.

Diddy, again, was in the expendable business of entertainment

and drug trafficking.

Yes.

That's expendable.

And human trafficking.

Yes.

Again, it doesn't matter.

These are not crimes that they care about.

Diddy was not connected to the intelligence community that's the difference yes ghislaine was connected to the intelligence community prince andrew was connected to the intelligence community epstein obviously was a spy there's every difference between prince andrew and ashton cook

barely

barely but yes and they are there's a difference like and speaking of prince andrew virginia jouffre that was his main accuser during the entire epstein saga all of this she just committed suicide and she had this sort of massive like fall from grace over the last like short period of months where she was getting, she was starting to act really erratic.

She claimed to almost be murdered in a bus accident.

She said she only had four days to live after this bus accident.

The bus driver was like, This is like, she's exaggerating.

She then went through a really intense divorce where she accused her husband of

abuse.

I don't know what happened with domestic violence.

Does all of this shit happen?

Obviously, Virginia Jufray's life was destroyed completely suffering from ptsd utterly utterly traumatized yeah from all of the things god knows what's going on but i now her parents are saying let's investigate the suicide i just think it's more of an example of why this all is all so hard for people to talk about

to lay their lives on the line, to be whistleblowers for.

It's extremely difficult, especially something like her.

So I think that that she's a nut like this whole epstein thing is still

rolling and rolling and rolling and now we're seeing the fact that you know like our president was his best friend and all the other connections that you have we know that he had some connections to netanyahu yeah you know he had some connections to all these other things it's all fucking very bad and prince andrew you told me she he paid her off They had it.

Well, they had a settlement.

Okay.

They had a settlement, and then Prince Andrew was fucking stripped of all of his fancy shit.

It took his crown.

They took all of his scepter.

They took his little curled boots.

Yeah.

They took his thing.

They popped his sweat gland so he could sweat again.

That was the whole thing with Prince Andrew.

He said that he couldn't sweat.

He couldn't possibly sweat.

That's what goes when Virginia Jouffre described them dancing and him having him heaving on top of her.

She just talked about the sweat pouring down his face.

You ever remember scary stories to tell in the dark?

Yes.

You remember that drawing of that lady with the long, stringy white hair and that thing in that?

I don't remember.

Rob, please find.

That's Prince Andrew.

Okay.

That's like what she saw when Prince Andrew was heaving on top of her, right?

This is literally, they have the same face, they have the same body, and they have the same.

I was like, that looks like me at prom.

But again, it's just another example of how this pain

just keeps on rolling.

So

they're playing whack-a-mole with them.

We have no idea who else is there.

Like, think about who else we're not talking about.

I imagine that there are people within these structures that would surprise the living hell out of you.

That is part of what they were even saying about the Diddy stuff, is that part of the Diddy stuff that helps wrap it all in mystery is that there's a couple of people in there that you'd be like,

what?

Of course.

It's like, and it might be someone you really don't want it to be yeah but if it is then it is like my hero Chuck Schumer yeah

oh my

hero that brave revolutionary Chuck Schumer Chuck Schumer hasn't gotten hard since Jaws came out oh no his hardness he gets hard when his tumors get hard

Rob, good luck editing this.

I know, this is gonna be great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is disgusting.

The two of us just sound like we're in an off-track betting.

Doing my best.

Oh, we have to do the episode, guys.

We have to be, we have to be recording.

Oh, wait till we do another one tomorrow that airs next week, and you got to listen to it all again.

Just choking and fucking wheezing.

By the way, the trial starts on Cinco de Mayo.

Oh,

man.

Taco Monday.

Yeah, buddy.

Oh, tell me.

I'm getting my tapas lined up.

Yeah.

I can't wait, dude.

I can't wait for that front row seat.

Oh, man.

Well, I can't.

Too drunk to fuck is not an argument, Diddy.

I'm very sorry, buddy.

It's too drunk to organize.

Like, that's the thing.

Like, you have to be, like,

I'm stoned a lot.

Yeah.

But I played

many opportunities to sort of clear up and make some business emails.

Yeah.

You know,

everybody wear white.

That's it.

That's an order.

Put a white on.

That's called producing.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what producing is.

He is a producer.

He has all the money.

His whole career is producing.

Anything that he says trying to escape blame doesn't really make any sense because he was so up his own ass with his own organization.

He was such a control freak and he was so obsessed with all of this shit.

It was his real job.

The sex stuff was his real job.

The rest of it was

the hobby.

And then he was doing all of this stuff.

And when you are that level of producer, the way they do it, much like the president, they're trying to say like they're delivering orders much like how did he helped kill tupac and fucking biggie yeah now that this seems like it definitely was involved in some level but when you have that amount of money and that amount of clout when you do say dumb shit like that enough go people that are making legit money and are legit important make it happen for you yeah so then yes of course they're all the foot soldiers to get with all the foot soldiers also they do the flip

time to do the flip i mean his little his little white boy's flipping.

I mean, the white boy was the worst choice that P.

Diddy ever made.

That drug dealer, anybody that looked like a character from the road trip films is not allowed to be my mule.

You're not my main mule.

I want my mule to be an Abu Lita.

Yeah.

Old woman.

Yeah.

Because an old woman, too, because you know what the best part about an old woman?

Is that you can also give her a couple.

If you lop off the titties, right?

Okay, yeah.

You put a couple grenades in her bra and stuff like that.

If you get her old enough, not give a shit, she'll pop those two, fucking take one for the ship.

Wow.

Kill herself and everybody else involved.

Hell yeah.

That's a good, that's a good mule.

Take notes, Zelensky.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

No, but uh, I think, oh man, who would be the saddest person involved in Diddy's crimes?

I get Biggie's mom.

That'd be the saddest one.

That's really sad.

That would be the saddest one.

Oh, God.

I would say the saddest person involved would be,

I don't care about the rest of the 70 show people

you know yeah you know who i'd really feel sad for who mace

oh yeah where's mace at that mace left he became a preacher oh they did

but now i actually wonder if mace saw what was going on and he was so freaked out he was like i need the lord a lot of people do that yeah of course general buck naked Of course.

He became a preacher after he stopped being a warlord.

It's almost like an escape valve.

It's almost like a thing that they can do that's real easy because they built a system for a bunch of people that have done a bunch of crimes against large groups of people to just do a Hail Mary pass and then just get good with God and then they get to just move on.

Yeah.

Well, everybody else has to deal with all the horrible things that they did, but at least they get absolution, Eddie.

So I think that's what's awesome about organized religion.

Yeah, and it's good.

And they become leaders in the community.

And that's the best part about it.

They are allowed to do a lot of things and they get access to budgets and money and crew again.

It's very cool.

It's very cool.

There was, you know, this is a bad segue, but speaking of sexual assault in New York.

This bad segue.

It's a bad segue, but it is a fact.

There is a man

charged.

This is the headline.

Man charged with raping corpse on New York City subway.

You know, the reason why you felt.

I feel like if we don't tell this story, it's like against the mantra of the show.

Oh, I agree.

I agree.

Now, the man.

No.

Felix Rojas, 44 years fun,

has been charged with first-degree rape over the disturbing April 9th incident on the subway train in Manhattan.

The R train.

Oh, of course.

Truly the worst one.

It's like, oh, it's like, oh, you know, if I'm on this train, you gotta do it.

Hey, like, on the M train is where you get murdered.

Yes.

Now, the New York City subway.

That is on the G train.

Gaped.

Gaped.

But that's consensual.

Yeah.

It's consensual, y'all.

But this guy, so a guy died.

So the story goes, a man died natural, natural causes on the train.

He gets on the R train.

One of my worst nightmares.

Sounds like he had a heart attack or something on the train.

Yeah.

It's hard living in New York.

Oh, it is.

But the guy, a man saw him, robbed him.

No, it was a woman.

A woman robbed him.

After.

Oh, the woman robbed after the R?

Both.

So the man robbed him.

Okay.

Saw he was dead.

Robbed his corpse.

Didn't know it was a corpse until he felt, I guess, how cold his torso was.

But he still took his money.

Yep.

Then said,

I like this.

And

had sex with his mouth and his butt.

Yes.

Right?

The corpse.

On camera.

And then he left.

And then he was robbed again by the woman.

Then the corpse was robbed again oh see i thought the woman robbed him first nope nope no no no see so this is the thing is that new york's a hard city to live in it is anyhow and there's the thing is everyone thinks everyone's a lunatic in new york we all you got a million people live there and then at any given day there's another eight million visiting or coming in from jersey and long island no offense rob this isn't a long this is not an anti-New York sentiment no no no we live in Los Angeles when that many people live in one place there's going to be horrible shit happening.

It's just the way that they talked about it and just like the idea that the man,

it's the consideration.

It's the man on an open train sees a corpse.

And yes, I do believe they're,

okay.

How do I, how do I walk?

It was before midnight.

Wow.

This is, that's not good either.

Yeah, it was 5.55.

Yeah.

Wow.

Middle of the day.

The woman robbed him first.

The woman robbed him first.

Thank God we cleared it up.

Yeah, no, that's, I mean, if there's like a guy with his pants around his ankles,

a dead body with his pants around his ankles and like semen in his butt, and then you go rob him, that seems worse than just robbing a dead body.

Robbing a dead body, I almost don't see the crime.

You know what's funny, Eddie, is that I'm almost with you.

Where if he's dead, I've been playing too much at Baldur's Gate.

I've been playing too much Baldur's Gate.

He got a loot.

Yeah, he got looted.

He got looted.

Now, that's different, right?

Yes, certainly.

It's hard to live in new york it's hard to live in america right now everybody's worried about money i could see out of pure utter horrible desperation you robbing a dead body for the money within it that is not again that is the that's just one crime that is just more of a sad state of affairs for the country right yeah it's more the checking his pockets ah it doesn't have anything and then looking around it's been like but you know what i could do like that's what i don't understand It's, I don't know if it's the, they've been like, do you think that it's a guy that he's had his eyes on for a while and he takes the train every day and he's been falling in love with him slowly but surely on the train like in a Gwyneth Paltrow Bradley Cooper like scenario where he's been watching him come on every day and they take the same route every day and he's always kind of wondered what it'd be like to to try to kiss him

back to life.

You know, no one ever says that either.

No one ever thinks that that like, because it's like, oh, well, if he's gonna, so is that the corpse with the knee up?

No, this is just the same man.

He takes the subway a lot.

Oh, well, I mean,

lots of people take the subway a lot.

Sure.

But they have him on footage.

That's why.

Well, yeah, he's uh, he definitely has a bit of a Michael Che style about him.

I mean, I mean, yeah.

In terms of his dress,

not his activities.

No, no, no.

I mean, I don't know.

We haven't hung out with him a lot.

No, it's been a while.

But I don't think he's having sex with corpses anymore.

I would highly doubt it.

I don't know.

He seems like he's too successful for that.

Let's ask Colin Jost.

Now,

these guys are like, but it's just this idea of,

you know, of course, everyone in the audience is

saying, stop this, stop talking about this.

Yeah.

But we want to know

what makes somebody choose to do this.

Side stories, L-P-O-T L and gmail.com.

What would what the circumstances that you would have to be under to randomly have sex with a corpse corpse that you've just found?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't think it could ever happen, even if it was

my wife.

I don't know, buddy.

I feel like we've walked into a whole area.

I feel like we're in a

troubled zone.

I feel like we're in a troubled zone here.

I feel like this will get caught.

We're bleeped.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't say I'd fuck my wife's lifeless body.

It's mine.

It's your wife.

Yeah.

It's your wife.

She fucked me when I'm dead.

I've

openly said it.

Please fuck me when I'm dead.

Many times.

I said, play with my picket balls, dress me up in a dress, fucking sit on my face, play with my corpse and shit.

And Natalie's like, please stop.

Yeah, feet.

And I'm like, this is romantic.

Yeah.

I love you.

I love you.

You hear that, Julie?

I love you.

He loves you so much.

He wants you to play with his dead corpse.

Okay.

And again, Natalie says, stop being Mormon.

Stop talking about your corpse.

And it's like, well, guess what?

You've inherited

because you're a wife.

That's right.

So you get a husband's corpse eventually.

Asses to asses.

Bust to bust.

That's what I hope for.

Well, I'm really glad we covered this story because we learned so much and there was just so much to it.

Yes.

No, it's very, it's very important news.

It's weird, you know, because

what do you not tell people?

I don't know.

You know, it's just like if this happens, you gotta like, I don't know.

It just seems to me.

Spread them.

Like a weird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It just seems like a weird set of circumstances.

And that's what we, that's what we investigate here.

Yeah.

Well, in Texas, people get arrested for much more victimless crimes.

Of course.

Almost most of their crimes there.

They kind of ignore the crimes that have victims.

Yeah.

A man accused, oh, I don't think he was arrested, of placing Easter eggs filled with weed all around his Texas town and then posting scavenger hunt clues on social media.

He did go too far because it's still legal there.

And they are the type of nerds and shitheads and fuckfaces that will arrest you for weed.

They have nothing better to do all day.

They just sit all day and they can't wait to arrest you for weed, especially if you're of the Browner persuasion like this man is.

Easter was on 420.

Exactly.

It is.

That is,

that's Pope Francis's fault.

He could have literally stuck

his one job is to manage the calendar.

Yeah.

You can't do that, Frankie.

Whatever, bro.

Can't wait to see your fucking robot fucking successor.

Yeah.

At least he won't make Easter on 420.

Pope Chat, PGPT.

Trying to fucking keep everyone stoned in front of their families.

Honestly, 420.

It was nice.

Honestly, it was really cool to have a B420 on that day.

It was awesome.

It was cool when we, we had a party, we had a 420 Easter party.

You didn't come.

No, I was.

But we, um, there were children there, and then, you know, so we didn't smoke as much, but I smoked in the front yard.

Good.

None of those are my children.

No, fuck them.

Yeah.

And if they want me to talk to them, I got to be high.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want me to engage with your kids?

I'm going to be stoned.

Yeah.

So.

But yeah, this guy put that.

The problem is that he gave too many hints.

And the weed doesn't look bad.

No, it doesn't.

It's like, it's regs.

Yeah.

You know, it's regs.

That's pretty hard weed, dude.

That guy was a fun guy.

Officers found four eggs, and one was

in three different parks, and one was found behind a Motel 6.

You know, it's just such a waste of resources.

This is such a massive waste of resources.

A fifth egg was found by a man and his granddaughter at Winston Park the following day, and they brought it to police station.

What a narc.

Yeah.

What is this fucking shit, dude?

It's like, even your little girl, even if she eats it, it's not going to do anything to her.

She can eat all the fucking weed she wants.

He's not going to get fucking high.

Man, look,

they're trying to really make this guy look like a criminal, but he's just got kindness in his heart.

That's a fun idea.

This is a victimless crime.

This is just fun.

The kids are, yeah, again, you can eat the actual weed and without it being cooked in fat.

Yeah.

It just fucking comes at your butt.

I guess if it's it's in parks, children could find it.

And a child did find it.

And then guess what?

The kid can sell it.

Yes.

Teaches them about business.

Yes.

It's about business.

It's supply and demand.

Guess who's holding?

Little Jeremy.

If this guy.

I'm walking around and I'm looking for fucking green.

And guess who's holding?

Oh, oh, you better come check out my fucking, my boy Jeremy's got some shit.

You just got to roll by by recess, and then I go in there and I play kickball with all the kids, and I get my fucking weed, dude.

That's fun as hell oh he up it was in a drug-free zone too close to a school ah

that's where he messed up i feel like this guy should have done a little bit but also i'll say to him i think that he should have done more research about where to probably put the eggs yeah police station you know what also you do with something like this i will say this to the people that i hope that this tradition continues what i would like for people to do though is do this in a controlled environment yeah where you tell everybody that the within a closed group i used to do this.

Oh, yeah.

In college, when I sold weed, we had Easter egg hunts.

We filled a lot of them with weed.

Some of them we filled with trash, some with Xanax.

I think I put a little cocaine on one.

And then, you know, we had an Easter egg hunt around my property.

You see, that's around where I live.

This is again, it is no, it's if everybody.

You know, I got really mad with the guy who found most of the weed didn't smoke, and then he sold it to someone at the party.

I got really pissed off him.

I don't even like him anymore.

You see, you know what's funny, though?

That's exactly what I proposed to little Jeremy to do.

Yeah, I know, I know.

And I don't mind that.

Now that I think about that, I don't like it.

You give it away or you fucking smoke it.

Well, it's also weird to put that.

Now I got to move all this weed.

Yeah.

Like, that's weird.

You just give it to somebody.

Yeah.

Or just fucking quit being a dweeb and smoke it.

Yeah, man.

Or have a panic attack, breaking a schizophrenia for a little while, then get medicated if that's what your deal's going to be.

Yeah.

Because guess what it gives you?

A cool story.

And then also, guess what it gets you to be?

A subject of a Ben Foltz V song.

Breaking Up.

No, the one that you remember the guy like Steve

last night in town.

You know, I really love that album.

The rest of it gets it does not hold up.

Really?

It's very not, it's not for us anymore.

I remember I love it because of high school theater.

Looks the same.

And we used to always, the cute girls would always dance around listening to it.

Oh, yeah, of course.

That's why I love it.

Of course, you do.

You remember those little girls?

Shit.

Now it's off the show.

Now it's off the fucking show.

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All right, here we go.

We got another one.

This is a, this is just another good, short, and sweet one.

Okay.

Southwest flights, we love them.

You know, I hate the Southwest.

No, I'll never go on one ever again.

I'd rather walk.

Well,

I heard they're getting rid of the far and away type seating.

Yes, they are getting rid of the strongest winds seating rate.

Assigned seats,

it's the bare minimum.

Also, greatest thing that ever happened to the movie.

I will never, I always remember how long New York held on to not having the ticketed seats.

And it's like, guys, do we have to be the coolest city in the world always?

This is the dumbest shit.

Just fucking let us assign seats so that we can show up when the movie, when we want to.

Yeah, because you would have to show up like an hour early to get a single thing.

To save a whole row for all your friends.

And then they wouldn't show up late.

And then you're like, people are like, let me sit there.

Like, I have my friends.

But I do miss the game a little bit.

A little bit.

I miss the game.

This used to be a little bit more because then you get to talk to your neighbor

and yell at your neighbor.

So now Southwest is trying to rejuvenate itself.

Now, a woman, this was on from Philly to Chicago.

She does in McClass.

I feel like this, I can see this woman in my mind.

This woman took off her pants.

Yeah.

And stripped down naked.

Fully nude.

Yes.

And shark

took a full shit on a plane seat while it was landing.

Hey, you know what?

At least you waited to the landing.

Yeah.

I mean, well, that's the time when you're surfing, you know, like you're just like, you never do bus surfing, you know, and you try, you just, you're in the aisle and you try not to touch anything.

You're just surfing.

You're just trying to do it.

She was doing that, but on her seat while the plane's landing.

I feel like it's something else.

Yeah, yeah.

But I'm just saying, I'm impressed.

She was able to shit while it was landing.

I think that.

Do you think she was holding on to the back of the seat?

Yes.

I also feel like at this point staring into someone's eyes.

Very much so.

And I think that, because you know what I'd do in this scenario?

What?

Nothing.

Oh, no.

I mean, what are you going to do?

I would, if I sat next to this woman, please don't.

Please stop.

Yeah, and that's it.

That's as far as I, that's as far as I'd go.

I would just stare forward.

I would just not react.

I'm just like,

let this plane land.

Let this plane land.

All I want to do is exit this plane.

That's it.

I don't need to.

You know what?

I'll live with it.

I'll live with this woman's cloaka sheer shit.

Is that no, that's not the woman at all.

People just get naked on me.

I just saw another another naked plane.

You know, ah, God.

I just,

oh,

ladies being naked on planes.

This is another Southwest flight from a month ago.

Oh, wow.

Where she just stripped nude and walked around.

Man, I don't know.

You're going to spend this much money and fuck it all up.

Yeah.

It's not like flights are cheap.

No.

And then you're definitely going to jail.

Yes.

Do people go crazy in the air and I just don't know about it?

Well, one thing that is certain is we know that alcoholic drinks have an exaggerated effect when you're in the air.

And people do tend to get real fucking lit up before getting on the plane.

Yeah.

Which is not.

I find it to be one of the worst ideas possible.

You just get sick on the plane.

Yeah.

Ever tell you about the woman I saw who got like fucking hammered at the bar?

And I remember clocking her at the bar and be like, that chick's getting hammered.

And then I saw her get on my plane.

And then in the middle of the flight, she just attacked the woman next to her, just started scratching her.

And then the poor, like, Stewart had to, like, hold her down for an hour so we didn't have to land in some random city.

You know, that's what's a great flight attendant.

Yeah, oh, honestly, I was very impressed by it.

And then I was like, hey, man, I ratted her out.

I was like, she was getting hammered at the bar.

I saw her.

I was like, I clocked that shit.

And she was getting hammered with that chick back there.

And like, and I, so I ratted him out, and they know what they did: 50 bucks United money.

You fucking fucking 50

stool pitches.

50 bucks.

You fucking nerk.

You fucking stoolie bitch.

United bucks.

$50.

I'm baby foods, baby.

I'm telling people down the river.

She was drinking with her.

$50.

You know, I get it, though.

I get it.

There's got to be some justice in this world.

You know, she's, it's just, I don't get it.

I'll never get it.

But hey, I'm also

serene.

It's so weird.

I used to like had to drink when I got on flights.

Now it's just like a burden.

Well, I like a truly favorite, super hungover, very early morning flight, one drink, i'm pass out yo favorite vibe in the world yeah favorite

but you've been um what you would call it raw dogging it lately i do i raw dog flights all the time that's wild no music no movies it just sit there straight ahead yep why do you do that i don't know what do you think about oh so all sorts of things yeah you just get angry sometimes sometimes i get sad Oh, okay.

Sometimes I laugh.

Oh, thank God.

Sometimes I

give myself.

Sometimes in my head, I'm so.

So many of you just start laughing.

That's terrifying.

You're horndogging it for two hours, and all of a sudden you just start giggling.

Yeah.

This is a funny part.

This is a funny part right here.

I love this movie.

Yeah.

Just watching the flight.

He's watching the flight tracker.

I put that.

They think we're making it to Phoenix.

Go left.

Left.

Shit.

No, you know what it is, is that sometimes I just don't want to choose a thing to listen to or watch.

Sometimes I'm so weighed down by the burden of that choice that I'd rather just sit there.

And now I got your stupid fruit version game.

I love my fruit game.

So I do the stupid fruit game.

It's good.

It's good.

I've been trying to.

It's kind of not thinking.

Yes.

It really does.

It really helps not think.

I appreciate that.

One other thing I wanted to talk about.

This is a, I don't know what the fuck is going on with this story.

I want to know what you guys say.

Side stories, L-P-O-T-L-L-G-Mail.com.

The Connecticut Cannibal.

Oh, yeah.

A man by the name of Tyree Smith.

Have you heard of this man?

No.

Okay.

Connecticut Valley Hospital.

He was in, I guess, in a hospital for the incriminally insane or whatever.

He's in one of those.

He was accused of hacking a man to death with an axe in Bridgeport and then eating part of the victim's brain and his eyeball.

His roommate.

His roommate.

Yeah.

Somehow.

It was an angel.

I believe that he was.

I have no idea what's going on.

I know that obviously this is one of those.

I hate stumbling into a thing where we're not talking about about Republican talking points here.

I just don't understand

how he was allowed to get out on conditional release.

So he's released.

They're saying he's stable.

He's done.

He's completely ready to go.

Not crazy at all.

But he also got in this huge fight in prison and they had to remove him from being around other inmates.

Yes.

And so he wasn't allowed to be around other inmates, but still he's being released.

He beat a man to death and sucked out his eyeball and ate a chunk of his brain.

And now it's just like, all right, you've learned your lesson.

You get out there.

Why don't you work for Chipotle?

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't know what this guy's going to go do.

What is the Connecticut County?

Not that you should be a cook.

Unless.

He's amazing.

Like, what does he do?

I feel like, again, I'm fine with.

It's a conditional release.

So he's going to get back in.

They're in like a halfway house.

I just don't even know how the hell he was even allowed to have a conditional release.

Because part of me, I really do believe in the idea of you must, if we're going to rehabilitate people, if we're going to let people back.

I want people to be rehabilitated.

Utterly.

And I want there to be an immediate portal for them to go into.

I love the idea of them having some form of vocational training within jail or education or something like that that allows them to leave jail and do stuff, right?

Be able to leave prison, have a job, be a, I honestly think a cook, barber, like those types of skilled laborers that don't require advanced degrees is extremely good work for somebody.

But he was found officially not guilty by insanity.

So that's what, I guess that's the real difference here.

And I feel like I'd love to actually have somebody explain that to me.

Side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com.

Because I'd love to know.

Because what I've heard about getting and not guilty by reasons of insanity is that oftentimes it is way worse than going to jail.

Well, yeah, because you have to be in the loony bin.

You have to go to jail.

I guess that's the wrong thing to say.

I mean, I think that it's appropriate for that.

I think that you can call where they're going the looney bin.

I think you can call it, it's like a place for the criminally insane.

Like that, that's type, that type of place.

I guess the loony bin's too cute

to call it.

So you know who in my mind is?

It's like

Martin Bryant.

Yes.

He's in the looney bin.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

Like, that guy's in the loony bin.

There's another guy.

It was was like all of those guys like people real super villains yeah are in the loony bin this guy was like put into this scenario but what i've heard is that they can they can sort of keep you indefinitely like you are supposed to be there but it's like how can you tell when some guy's like listen it was a rough month for me totally not a cannibal anymore and it's like

How do you tell?

Yeah, how do you tell?

Well, you got to put an eyeball in front of him and see if he sucks it up.

I was just tasting it.

That's all I do.

That's for a little bit of taste of it.

He's sucking on his own fingers.

I'm gross.

Yeah.

I want a hot woman.

I want brain.

Roommate's brain.

Yeah.

I mean, brain.

I don't think a brain would be the first part I ate.

You should never eat a man's brain.

No.

Ever.

It's extremely bad.

That's how you get one of those fucking crazy,

what's it?

Those prion diseases.

Like, you shouldn't really be eating any brain, but if you are going to be eating brain, it needs to be very well cooked.

We've had sweetbreads.

Sweetbreads is, oh, they're glands.

That's the.

Oh, I thought that was brain.

No, that's the thalamus gland.

That's like these things.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, for the brain.

The whole time, I thought I was eating brain.

No, I've had brain.

When you're eating brain, they tell you it's brain.

Oh, okay.

I thought they were just trying to like skirt around at being, you know, brain and calling it sweetbread.

They were calling it it something else is just as gross.

Technically, it is the thiamus or pancreatic glands of certain animals.

Okay.

Yeah, so it is gross, but they are way tastier than brains.

I think brains are actually really gross.

Well, now that I know I'm eating pancreas, let's have some poppers, man.

Man, I love sweet breads.

Yeah.

I love sweetbreads.

So what are the, so brains just called fried brain?

Oh, yeah.

So when you

ordered brain, you were like, I would take, I'll take the brain bleed?

Yes, I've had lamb's brain.

Really?

Yes.

I've also had.

Where do you do this?

That was at a place in Atlanta.

That was at

one of my favorite places, Holman and Finch.

I've had.

We went to a place.

What was it called?

Meat?

Animal.

Animal.

That was a while ago.

I think, I don't even know if it's still around.

No, it's gone.

It's gone.

That had stuff like that.

I also like...

Brain is very classically served with eggs.

So they make brain and egg tacos quite often, where they will cook up brain with eggs because they're actually very similar.

Cook brain is referred to as sweetbreads.

Specifically, calf or lamb brain.

I mean, I feel like this is Google AI.

It's just not the, we got to stop using Google AI.

It's a mixture of different sources here.

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

Yes, Yes, most of the time, there's a lot of brain.

Yeah, it's a lot of brain.

People do a lot of brain because, and it's like, I don't mind you using all the animal, but you have to be, it has to be very well cooked.

Well, I hope this guy does no more crimes.

You know what, Eddie, me too.

Yeah.

I hope that this was, he's learned his lesson and he's over it.

You know, and you know what, bud?

If you're listening, you're in Connecticut.

I hear the pizza's great.

New Haven's supposed to have the best.

He's in Bridgeport.

So

take the bus over to New Haven, Haven and then what you do is get over there and that's where you should focus your eating habits on yeah pizza yeah not

people now um I wanted to touch on this real quick um just because we had you know we talked about Lori and you know there's a lot of stuff going on with our with our Mormon talks Brun's doing a lot of Mormon talk and stuff oh yes but um so obviously Utah home of most Mormons, right?

80% of Mormon population.

Yeah, pretty much.

Apparently, I found this on FARC.

I love FARC.

Love FARC.

First cousins can legally get married in Utah.

Congrats.

Yeah, yeah.

I know they've been fighting for that for a while.

And because, like, it's just so hard.

Because, especially, you know what's great about a first cousin?

It's like they're made to be fuckable for you specifically because they're in your family.

Yeah, you're the puzzle pieces.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But there are stipulations.

What the fuck is this?

I thought this was America.

You can only get married to your first cousin in Utah if both parties are over the age of 65.

That's so fucking gross.

Or

if both are 55 and unable to reproduce.

Oh, great.

So if you're 55 and sterile, you can marry your first cousin.

So this whole thing is based off a bunch of shithead 80-year-old pedophile senators that are all like, the devil's house, and we can't make no web feed mongrels.

That's what we can't have.

We can't have simpletons walking around with bad wings and four arms.

I've known my cousin my whole life.

I put my time in.

I am allowed.

And normally my cousin and I, we stick to oral sex so that no procreation can be done because I agree, I don't want a child with a fin.

I don't want a child with a pterodactyl's protuberance that allows them to whistle and create a sound that can cascade for miles.

What I need is the ability to fuck my, so I, and that's the issue here, right?

Now, y'all know me.

That's the issue here, is we don't want no web feet.

Yeah.

So let's, once, let's just have an agreement.

Once the, I'm going to say the vagina graveyard is empty of eggs, the ghosts are allowed back in the cemetery.

You know what I mean?

That's right.

That's right.

It's a spooky spooky ghost.

Fucking up the ghost cemetery.

James.

Once all the skeletons are out of that yeah ladies vaginal cemetery you could fill up all those caskets and every divot with as much liquid ghost as you could make oh yeah

they are dead oh yeah they are dead they are they are not moving but guess what's not though come yeah cum never dies well i mean if you can't i mean would he just be shooting dead sperm No, it's the opposite.

It's that it's also interesting.

It's that it's still pressure on the female cousin fucker to not be able to have babies anymore.

Oh, okay.

Because this is definitely not about, this is about condomless sex with a cousin.

That's what this is about, right?

This is about not having to worry about it, right?

And so you could just jazz inside there.

But the thing is, is that your cummy-cum lives for forever.

Tony Randall had babies until he was like 83.

I mean,

De Niro and Pacino just had babies.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Of course, their babies are half-ghost.

Yes.

They are.

They come out with little gray beards.

They're just going to fuck.

The kid's going to be 10 when they die.

Well, that's the goal.

Honestly, in the end, it's by that point, it's fine.

Then by that point, you don't want them around anymore.

Yeah.

You know, in Utah, you can also marry a minor.

Oh, that's so nice.

You're not hired.

Not someone who digs.

Oh, no, a child.

Because that actually comes from my

I have a joke about that.

Yeah, you could be 16 or 17 years old.

Here, you want a preview of a little my stand-up?

I had a little stand-up idea the other day.

Oh, nice.

This is what I decided to write.

Right?

I have a couple stand-up ideas.

Okay, let's do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage, Henry Zabrowski, we're hitting the road.

I decided to write this down.

Every time I see young female teacher rapes minor, first thing I think, damn, she got through all them leather vests.

Leather vests.

Like a minor's protective clothing.

They don't have leather vests.

They got like jeans and like overalls.

And like, you know, like.

It's not a well-thought-out comp.

It's not a well-thought-out setup.

It got a well-thought-out thing.

Got through all the soot.

I think soot is a good one.

Writing it down, yes, yeah, punch it up, punch it up.

Uh, but yes, um, the minor in Utah will need a parents

or a legal guardian to sign.

Oh, and that's so that you can't even get that, so that's got to be so that, I mean, good for the kids, but that's finally some freedom.

Senator Jen Plum is actually sponsoring a bill right now to change all of that.

She wants to change it to a minor can only get married if the age gap is seven to four years.

So they can marry a 23-year-old with a signed permission.

A 16-year-old.

A 16-year-old can marry a 23-year-old.

A 17-year-old can marry a 24-year-old.

They tell you what to do.

Why is anybody telling me what to do ever?

Why not 18?

Just wait.

Because that's when they're old and gross, Eddie.

You're right.

16 is when they're perfect.

That is when you want a wife.

They're the most reasonable, and that's exactly

great decision makers.

And 16-year-olds are also so interesting.

Yeah.

They have so many thoughts to say.

Yeah, wow, there's 19 U.S.

states it's legal to marry a first cousin.

Really?

Wow.

Okay.

And in Vermont.

Wow.

And Utah's not on the list.

Not in any, but soon to be added.

Soon to be added.

Yeah.

So that makes 20.

20 states.

It's going up.

Wow.

We are.

People say that we, power, man.

People say that we are fucking sliding into a fucking crevice.

California's on the list.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's because we got hotter cousins here.

That's right.

Now, speaking of sliding into the crevice, I also want to give an opportunity to our people.

So we're about to wrap up today's episode and get some letters, but

it's hard out there right now.

Yeah.

Economically, people are suffering.

especially deep within our rust belts in the Midwest.

So I want to give a big shout out to the listeners in the Lansing area.

I want to let you know, Saturday, May 17th, Deja Vu Show Girls, the prettiest butthole in Michigan competition is beginning.

Fuck, we missed it?

They're no 17th, dude.

I knew that we were just coming up.

But it's coming up.

No, but we haven't missed it yet.

The celebrity guest host, Jason.

We got an engagement party on the 17th.

Do you think I could blow it off?

Yes.

My cousin Mitchell and Melody, they're going to get married and they want me to come to a pool party for their engagement.

They're boring ass.

You know, they're very cute and they're very nice.

They bought me a coffee maker recently for almost no reason.

But the cleanest butthole in Michigan.

Let's see.

How clean could the cleanest butthole in Michigan be?

Prettiest.

Oh, prettiest.

Prettiest butthole in Michigan competition.

It is Saturday, May 17th, over at Deja Vu Show, girls.

These celebrity guest hosts Jason Vest and Yiddie Lunch.

I never heard of him.

Who is

not Kid Rock?

Oh, it's an Who is Yiddy Lunch?

Interesting.

It's a man.

No, that one.

That contestant was a man.

Oh, okay.

So

it's a co-ed competition.

I think that Yiddy Lunch was...

Is this a male strip club?

No, I don't know.

There's a woman getting real close to that butthole with a camera.

Well, that's just because, again, she is the person doing the footage.

Interesting.

So this is Yiddy Lunch, which I do believe he was on something.

He's on a couple of these.

He did Prettiest Butthole in Michigan, I guess,

last year.

Oh, okay.

So this was last year they did at the Deja Vu Showgirls Lansing.

I want to see who won it.

And the pink package is $500.

See, you have two levels of tickets here.

Obviously, we don't want to cut into our own ticket sales, but the pre-sale ticket is only a $30 ticket.

That's just for admission.

But you can get the pink package for five guests with $500.

Oh, it's sold in package.

Oh,

the whole show's sold out.

You have to be a contestant.

Oh, you could be a judge for five grand.

Five grand, you're going to be a judge.

It is, but the VIP seating allows you to get up close.

It's sold out.

Wow.

The pink package is sold out.

Guess what you get?

You get also a meet and greet with the winner of the competition.

Now, the reason why we're even talking about this is obviously Jodi Arias has one of the nicest buttholes in all of True Crime, but I wonder.

She's in Arizona.

She's incarcerated.

She can't get there.

And so, who do we think

in True Crime, currently,

would we put up for the prettiest butthole in Michigan?

In Michigan.

I don't even know who commits crimes in Michigan.

A lot of people.

Most people.

Maybe

I know it's not in the Domicong Su.

Who's that?

A defensive lineman.

No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would say prettiest butthole in Michigan.

Bob Seeger's niece.

Ugh, Eddie.

Just the term niece.

Just the term niece.

She's like 60, probably.

I imagine.

All right, celebrities from Michigan.

Okay,

Selma Blair.

Selma Blair's got a great butthole.

Madonna definitely has got a great butthole.

I don't know if Madonna currently has a great butthole.

I bet you her butthole now is probably more refurbished than ever.

Vern Troyer's dead.

I'm sorry.

But honestly, though, if it wasn't Vern Troyer, it would be my number one.

Elaine Stretch?

Are you?

Elaine Stretch more like ladies who lunch.

Everybody laugh.

Eminem.

Eminem's, I bet Eminem has a very beautiful butthole.

I think Anthony Keatus' child

Shepard?

Dak Shepard.

I mean, how do you beat Dak Shepard?

I mean,

he is the prettiest asshole in podcasting.

I imagine if there was one beautiful asshole in podcasting, Stevie Wonder.

He does not have a nice asshole.

Yes, he does.

He doesn't know if it's clean or not.

Yes, he does.

He has people who watch, and he's been doing it enough.

No.

We now know, right?

Eddie, what did we learn from Motown?

We went to the Motown Museum and we learned that Stevie Wonder, the guy that started Motown, innocent guy.

He's Sir Barry Gordon, one of the most innocent people.

He never did anything wrong.

Not a single wrong.

Not a one thing.

He definitely set up this thing where they had a house where the guy, one of the guys that was on the crew, would set, would go ahead of time to the places the original Motown performers were going to perform live.

He would draw up the dimensions of the stage.

Yeah, like they had no living room.

They would just perform in it.

it.

Yes, and so they would get everybody used to the stage.

And one of the ways they taught young Stevie Wonder how to do stuff was that they would set up the stage inside of this house to the letter and show him, this is how many steps it takes to get to the stage.

Yeah, it's 15 steps to the microphone.

This is the steps to get to the chair.

And so he would work it and work it to the point, which started the conspiracy theories that Stevie Wonder could see, right?

All this stuff, which I still believe he could see.

I utterly believe he could see.

But I think that's a part of it.

And I also think that you wipe your butthole for this long and you're blind i bet you side story tell p-otl at gmail.com my blind listeners how clean's your butthole i bet you they don't know no i bet you their buttholes are cleaner than anybody else because their fingers are more sensitive and they could smell it because that's a smell is is is better than ours i mean i don't know that's a very daring

that's very well yeah i don't if i'm i still think dak shepherd has the prettiest asshole in michigan send your vote in

Oh, Richard Keele.

Oh, yeah.

The guy from

Jaws from the Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker.

Man, you know, Jack White's asshole is a mess.

No, I want nowhere near Jack White.

That is a dirty, dirty asshole.

I want nowhere near that asshole.

Chris Weber, fucking, and one.

Same time, though, I weirdly think that Swish, Elaine Stritch,

she might not have that bad of an asshole from back in the day.

I think Elaine Stritch probably is a wonder.

She was a theater.

Unless she had the big old Royds.

Yeah.

No, but hey.

Oh, yeah.

Look at ladies who lunch.

Hopefully, that lunch included some salads.

Stretch me, baby.

Let's get some letters.

Number one, got a lot of pushback about our friend Captain Ron talking about the telepathy tapes.

I do agree.

I started listening to the telepathy tapes.

Part of what they're saying is that they do believe that extremely autistic, non-verbal autistic people can communicate telepathically.

There is some, like, it's so hard because at the very end of the series, it's like some things are interesting.

The idea that maybe close family bonds, we don't really, that can create some kind of telepathic communication.

The idea that we don't understand when consciousness is, we don't know where it comes from.

I still believe that that's a big question.

We don't really know what makes us us and why we are us and where we come from as our, like, literally, where do our personalities come from?

But then it starts going into the idea that nonverbal autistic people can predict the future.

They can.

I hope some of them can.

I mean, I hope.

And then, where were they?

Where were they then?

They were screaming, and no one listened.

Exactly.

But then there is also some people that like they believe that they can't talk into ghosts and they're doing so.

It kind of goes off the rails a little bit.

But, you know, it's not, it's just.

It's very popular.

They're going to speak at contact.

We should go and watch.

We should challenge them.

I don't know about that.

I should be like, what am I thinking?

Oh, scan me.

Scan me.

Scan me.

What am I thinking?

So there's that.

We've got the

mummified Pope.

Quick story.

Yeah.

While I was in high school, we took a class trip to Europe, and one of our stops was Vatican City.

It was the creepiest, most uncomfortable place I've ever visited.

The combination of the giant walls surrounding the city, trapping us inside, my Catholic guilt, even at a young age, I knew it was all bullshit, and the fact that every single person there seemed miserable, I truly felt sick.

The most interesting, surprising part of the visit was going down into the catacombs underneath the cathedral.

There were grottos carved out into these walls where, I shit you not, the mummified corpses of the former popes were displayed behind glass.

Cool.

You were not supposed to take photographs down there, but I did manage to sneak one because I knew that my friends back home wouldn't believe this wild tale.

No, I could, why you believe it?

They said they attached it, but it's not here.

It's in the other email.

We didn't get it.

I want to see it.

Well, I'll show it to you.

You want to see a dead pope?

Yeah, I'll show you one.

I can look it up.

Thank you.

In a month.

Show you another one.

Oh, we're going to have a 30-day pope.

Yep.

I'm going to show you another one, man.

Look, there's one.

Okay.

Well, this is the money, right?

That's the last one.

That's the hot shit.

That's the new hot.

That's the hot new reason.

The hot new pope.

Yum yum.

Nead pope.

Oh, yeah.

Watch out.

Don't put him on the New York subway.

Oh, no.

Oh, because he's got a lot of stuff to steal.

He's fine.

He's laying on his back.

It's probably still take three guys to steal all the stuff off of his body, but it would only take one.

I call the Yamaka.

Yep.

i want his little shoes

i love the little shoes the little shoes are my favorite one i love the little tiny shoes

um but yeah so a lot of people we'll talk about we'll stop talking about the pope soon guys yeah i promise uh and then we have uh this last little story

it's really got nothing to do with the show but okay it works all right let me hear it If you've ever asked the question, could I fight that goose?

You now have a point of reference for how badass the goose goose are.

Recently, a wild Canadian goose flew into an open-air tiger habitat at the Columbus Zoo.

Okay.

This happens pretty frequently.

There's always a mallard duck or two mixed in with the flamingos.

In cases where native wildlife interact with predators, it usually results in some unplanned culinary enrichment, as the keepers would say.

However, when this tiger thought they found a snack, they wound up with a face full of feathered fury.

The goose starred swipes until they figured out to flap their attacker away.

The tiger ran the other way, and zookeepers later confirmed there were no signs of the goose left in the habitat.

Wow.

That fucking goose put that shit down, dude.

Goose, fuck you up.

The tiger wanted nothing to do with the goose.

Oh, it's just a friendly tiger.

No, it's not.

It's a hungry tiger.

It doesn't understand the problems with this fucking goose.

I don't think it was trying to eat it as much as it was just trying to play with it.

And then the goose came after it.

Sounds like the goose was really escalating the scenario.

Goose slapped the shit out of him.

Yeah, goose literally slapped the shit out of him.

Man, that tiger's a pussy.

I feel bad for the tiger.

I feel like the tiger could have taken out that goose.

Someone should shoot that goose in the head and

feed it to the tiger.

Come on.

Let's nature rebalance itself.

Goose suck.

Yeah, they are horrible.

I hate goose.

They got big shits, and dogs eat the shits.

I hate goose.

I hate geese.

My mom hated goose.

Yeah, I hate the goose.

I hate all goose.

Oh, God, did he?

Wow, we've made it to the end of an episode.

Happy birthday.

Wow, it really feels like it.

Happy, happy, happy birthday.

I am so overwhelmed with the support I've received over the years that I just want to say thank you all, you dirty fucks.

Rob got you a

Eclipse.

And Robert, you got me an eclair.

Happy birthday, e-claire.

Oh, Rob.

Oh, my God.

That's so nice.

Oh, yeah.

You fucking take that, e-claire.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, birthday boy.

Yeah, you take it.

It's got Dookie on top, and it's got cum in the middle of it.

Yeah, you fucking love you, Eclair.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

How far can you get it in?

Oh, no.

Oh, not far.

That's not far, but you know, it's enough.

Oh, wow.

Wow, you're really, you've eaten two-thirds of this thing already.

Oh, my God.

I didn't think you really were going to have any of it.

And then you just, now it's almost gone.

I went from aroused to

jealous to

you know I like porters

happy birthday ma'am happy birthday to you

yes oh yeah god it's all gone that's a fully clear

down as a browster

not even a fucking shred of the left not even i thought it'd be like a goose i just got some fucking culinary enrichment yeah so it's henry's birthday let him know say happy birthday online let him know send some pudding to the studio buy tickets was the something.

Yeah.

Buy tickets to the Fort Lauderdale show.

We're coming, baby.

Buy tickets to one of the things.

The Foreign Report.

The Foreign Lauderdale.

The Four guys on YouTube channel.

You got to love Everyday, knowing for a fact that we're migrating things to his own YouTube channel.

Yeah.

And you got to laugh, knowing for a fact that these guys

are trying to understand how the algorithm works after 15 years in the business.

Oh, also.

And you're going to love the fact.

You're going to live on the fact that you fucking Foreign Report is the best.

It's a really great show.

It's a reasonable show about world events.

Yes.

And if you like this show, it's nothing like it.

But you guys will love the Foreign Report.

Seen as one of the smartest people I've ever met.

I love watching The Foreign Report.

Yes, it's very, very good.

So check out their YouTube channel, Foreign Report, on YouTube.

Go subscribe and all that shit.

Go to LastPodcast and Left.com, buy all our tickets everywhere.

Yeah, no, also, last puppy benefit on the lab.

This has happened very quickly.

We put this together.

We are doing a benefit for the dogs and families and pets in general i i'm like uh i'm fostering a dog right before this event yes we are going to just a little bit of an example of what this is we are you come out to the masonic theater in los angeles at the hollywood forever cemetery may 23rd what we are doing is a it's a benefit for puppies and pets and the families affected during the wildfires that had pets and puppies that needed that were displaced yes it's called it's not just for puppies it's for all dogs but we're gonna have puppies there for you to play with and so that's gonna be a lot of fun it's very

it's very and puppies it's it's us and puppies so this is like i mean this you're gonna flip out over this shit it's only 40 it all goes to charity for an hour you get to just hang out with puppies yeah and us and there's a food truck but the food truck serves normal food yes not dog food yeah and then

we did not fully know that we were going to be doing this but we're going to be doing doing a full like show thing.

Yeah, we're doing a full thing.

We're doing a full thing there, too.

So, and it's not the live show that we're doing.

Yeah, no dogs.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, space is going to be there.

They're going to talk about dog songs, I guess.

I think so.

You come out to this.

It is going to be.

Jesus.

You shake the hell out.

He declared too fast.

Exactly for promo.

Let me take care of this.

Pups Without Borders is

the people we're working with.

And also the Masonic Lodge in Hollywood Forever.

Thank you

all of you for helping us put this together.

We are going to save save some dogs.

All right.

We're going to it.

Toto is buried at the cemetery.

We're going to save some dogs.

We're going to dig him up.

All four of them.

He got Toto.

Two, three, seven, and eleven are buried there.

Yes, that's right.

Also, just remember, Flipper committed suicide on my birthday.

Yes.

I forgot about this.

Yeah, Flipper committed suicide on Henry's birthday.

So,

so always remember that.

And happy birthday, Henry.

One less dolphin.

One less hat, one less sad dolphin.

Yeah, I mean, he was

in a good mood.

It'd be different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was just dragging ass.

Hell yeah.

Happy birthday, buddy.

Oh, I forgot to talk about the mud fossil stuff.

We'll get into that next week.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And the people who in Alabama who took their, they were supposed to spread their mother's ashes, but they just took the urn and threw it off a pier.

God, such a good idea.

Such a good idea.

Couldn't be filled with crabs.

Well, we love you.

We'll see you on the Patreon, huh?

Come see us.

Earn this.

Earn this.

Hail, Satan.

And I'll see you all in hell.

Hail you, buddy.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, buddy.

I'll see you in hell.

Great.

Good piece of shit.

Fuck us all.

I'm going to die here.

I love you, Julie.

I love you.

Hi, listeners.

Marcus Edding Henry here with a little bit of an announcement.

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