Side Stories: Double Bread with Ground Beef

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There's no place to escape to.

This is the last podcast on the left.

Side stories?

That's when the cannibalism started.

Side stories.

Yes.

The needle

fills the whole

the old familiar stain staying

won't wish it

all away,

but I remember

everything.

It's dudes' day.

I hurt

myself

today.

I'll be cash.

You'll be resonating.

Oh, sure.

Hey,

so yesterday, it was amazing.

I went to my favorite Antifa restaurant.

Have you ever been to Lefty Cucks?

Oh, no, I've never been to Lefty Cucks.

I went to Lefty Cucks yesterday.

How was it?

It was great.

They were all applauding me for getting on the right-wing hate list.

They were super happy with I got a discount, which honestly was really nice.

It's so good.

Because you have to eat everything with your just lips first.

Well, yes.

And then everybody.

You got to kiss it first.

But you kiss my burger.

Everybody buys food, and the person that boughts the most food has to share the most of his food.

Yes.

It's a great place.

I bought food for someone else and then they kicked me in the nuts.

Yes.

I love that about that place.

I love Lefty Cucks.

But one of the very funny things I had, you know, those like little,

they have those like fortune bullets.

Uh-huh.

And the engraving on mine was so cute.

It just said, trust the process.

And I was just so, like, I was just so, I was like, I needed to hear this.

Exactly, man.

You know what else happened this week that I'm losing my mind about?

What happened?

Dan Marino has liver disease.

Yeah, I heard.

You believe this?

Not enough beeris.

This, Justin.

Yep.

His liver's fat.

All right.

So welcome to Simeon Stories.

My name is Henry Sprowski.

I'm sitting here with Ed Larson.

There's far

too much news this week.

There is entirely too much news.

It's one huge story, but much better, smaller stories.

So I think that the best part about this week, the thing that really, I mean, the thing that people can truly celebrate this week, who is actually celebrating this week is every other criminal that's ever done anything.

Yes.

Because no one's paying attention to them.

It's really good for them.

And so we're just going to come out real quick and say, yes, Charlie Kirk is dead.

We're not going to talk about it a heck of a lot because there's not a lot of information out there.

But it's still very much developing.

We don't know much about anything.

It's developing.

We now know that this is some form of troll-on-troll crime.

We know that Tyler Robinson is now.

We know that he's nothing.

He's arrested.

We know he's arrested.

There's a lot of evidence that points towards the fact that he definitely did it.

But we don't know.

Obviously, we're going to wait till he goes through the whole trial.

But

I think he's going to do an Arain dance

i think

but we now know uh yes that uh tyler robinson wasn't anything yes uh he was just some guy shot charlie kirk because he was there and if the rifle was pointed pretty much in a manner of feet in any other direction we wouldn't be talking about it anymore.

It's pretty clear.

There's been four major assassinations since December.

Oh, dude, that day there was a shooting at an elementary school.

Yes.

And there was.

There's another shooting in Oakland.

Oh, yes.

It's been going on all week.

There's been about.

And then somebody was lynched, of course.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

So there's a lot of stuff going on.

And now we see that Jimmy Kimmel got fired for very light commentary upon this.

I'll tell you one thing that's good.

Fallon canceled his gig tonight.

Ha ha, finally.

Some good news.

There's some good news.

So he was too drunk to perform.

Love that fucking guy, man.

So we're just gonna move on.

And I think that well,

just like they are.

Erica Kirk's taken over Tapoosa.

Oh, Tapusa.

She loves Tapusa.

And Erica Kirk.

Oh, wow.

I can't even say, I can't say anything.

No, but that's just.

It's so funny.

I was just about to try to make a joke about this.

And I know for a fact that the joke that I was going to make is going to sandbag in our entire network.

And it's just, the power I have right now is both aggravating.

and since yes, deep lack of power.

It's a deep, deep lack of power.

So I don't know what to say.

I was just about to say that.

All you know is Robert Redford, the greatest actor of all time, dies.

Nobody gives a shit.

No one gives a shit.

Nobody gives a lot of power.

Charlie Kirk stole 9-11.

Yes, I had my mac and cheese was in the oven.

Do you have any idea what it's like to start?

I am beginning the turnaround.

We're making 9-11 happy.

I don't care what anybody says.

I mean, this is the official, like, who gives a shit anymore?

It's time to roll.

No one cared.

It was barely in the news.

It just took

NFL teams were not doing their tributes.

Trump took a nap during the ceremony.

Do you remember that?

When Trump had an active stroke during the 9-11 ceremony,

he just let his right side sleep, which I think is good.

His right side really just needed some food.

He needed some rest.

He was just Poke John Paul's nap.

Yeah.

He just let that lower lip slide.

Poke Nap Paul.

So he,

so yeah, so now, but yeah, again, I had all my hors d'oeuvre set up.

My building seven fondue.

Oh my God.

My ashtray was ready.

Everything was ready.

I had two tower joints that were fucking ready, dude.

Yeah.

And then it just seemed, I just looked at them.

I'm like, I don't want to smoke these today.

And Lefty Cux was bringing a whole thing of no food.

to my house.

Yes.

Oh, Lefty.

I mean, Lefty Cux was great because they had their Iraqi flag up.

Yes.

You know, and they had their Afghanistan flag up.

And I was having a great time.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Isis Joe and me loving life.

I love the slogan.

We're We're turning ISIS into nicis.

Someone has to.

And I think this is a really good rebranding of the world.

They were serving Italian ISIS.

I just had that because I was in New York.

Yeah, I know.

I saw ISIS.

I know.

You saw you put us because you started all the conspiracy theories that we were already shut down.

Oh, yeah.

We didn't even talk about it.

Everyone's like, you're shut down.

It's like, no, my internet just didn't work in the shitty apartment I was staying in.

No offense, Robbie, but the...

Fucking bathroom sink is in the kitchen.

Sorry, Robbie, but that's a true.

That is called a New York Millionaire's Lifestyle.

I will say that I have been on that hate list all week.

They took it down, right?

They took that, they put that,

I was listed as like a left-wing.

Can't list me.

Nope.

Not popular enough.

Come on, people.

EddieTudes.com.

It's just so funny

that I'm the one.

Like

I am the one.

And so I've been getting harassed all week.

You put the ass in harassment.

No, they are.

Yeah.

They're putting the ass in harassment.

I'm the ass.

I'll grab you, dude.

I know.

I'll grab at you.

You already have.

Okay.

I've been getting harassed all week.

I'm getting, it's just like, it's, it's for real out there.

So that's why I think it's super important to transition to what's really the most important story of this whole week.

Absolutely.

The most important thing.

There's huge news coming.

This is the biggest news.

And we want to talk about this now while we know everyone's still listening.

Yes.

My movie is coming out and I'm doing a Kickstarter for it.

You're going to want to go to ufo.movie.

That is where you can get all the Kickstarter information for Henry Zabrowski's new film, Unbelievably Friendly Organisms.

I have written the story for this, co-wrote this with Kevin Galise, who is the main screenwriter who wrote How to Ruin the Holidays.

We've worked together on this project for a while now.

We are pushing this out the old-fashioned way because, guess what?

I don't know if you've noticed in the last couple of days, old media might be dead or dying, and it's bad out there.

So, it's really hard to make something that might be slightly not

gonna say

down the pipe, right?

So we got to make it ourselves.

So I am asking for your support as my listenership to go help me make the movie that I want to make.

Yes.

And it's the truly the most accurate UFO movie ever made.

Did you even try and pitch this?

Or you're like, no one wants this?

I decided nobody was going to want it.

Yeah, I think I would agree with that.

From the little bit you've told me about it, it seems like no one's going to make this but you.

It's about the man

that gets pregnant.

Yes.

It's literally like, I could just say that straight up.

It's about a man that gets pregnant.

Junior 2.

It's essentially that.

And it's with

the absolutely wonderful Amber Nash that was an archer, an amazing improver, and Jenna Hayes, the adult film icon.

Who now we did an interview with, and she's awesome.

Yeah, she's a therapist.

Cool as hell.

She's a therapist.

She lives down the street.

She smokes hella weed, and she is a lot of trouble.

Hell yeah.

And we just don't want to be anywhere near her, do we, Rob?

We don't want her in the near.

We don't want to hang out with her.

We all do.

She seems very cool.

She's the coolest person in the world already.

I feel like she's like the one adult film actress I could bring around my wife.

She's legitimately just cool.

She's working with people that are now out of the industry.

Yeah.

And she's working with people, a lot of women.

So she's deep into, she's getting her, she got her master's, she's getting her PhD.

She's brilliant.

Yeah.

So we are, but I just want to say, so this is truly the most important story of the week.

And so if you

want

Lefty Cux to be able to add that

non-smoking outside area.

Come on out to Lefty Cux.

You are going to need to help support UFO the movie because we're all, yeah, because that's what we're going to.

That's where the after party is.

Open your ass at Lefty Cux.

And there's a lot of prizes in our Kickstarter.

We're going to have interviews.

We're going to be doing a watch along with me.

You're going to own the movie.

There's so many things to do.

And you are going to love.

Have you ever had Iraqi deviled eggs?

No.

Yes, they're iguana eggs.

Oh, man.

Yes.

And they, wow, I think Lefty Cox is knocking out of the point.

Man, I hope I get the balls one day to go to righty cox.

It's all me.

It's all me.

It's a bunch of meat.

We put up your ass.

Yeah, man.

You want TRT?

Good.

You fucking start with me.

God.

I hate turkeys.

Yeah.

Just cows, pigs.

I shot it in the face with my own ass.

I kill shit with tents.

So we have a lot of.

You've been on the podcast for two years this week.

This week.

This week.

I know.

And time has really flown, hasn't it?

Time has really fucking flown.

I am just.

There's too much.

It's not nice.

I don't have to blow right past it, but it is nice.

No, I'm actually really sad that you even said it because I wish that we had prepared for it.

Or

we had a way to sort of acknowledge it.

We'll get a side cake later.

Yeah, no.

We're on the road this weekend.

Get me a cake to bring on stage or or something.

I'll get you something.

I will get you something.

Two beers on the podcast.

Yeah, friend.

That's what he likes.

Two years on the podcast.

And we are still discussing Jeffrey Epstein.

Yes.

Can I, are you want to get into this right now?

I just want to say that this is one of the big stories that has been buried that at first, when I know that I've ruined Ed when for the two years, now that it makes a lot of sense that you've been on the show for two years, when the news first hit

with

what's his name?

I'm even sick sick of saying his name honestly i don't even want to think about him anymore captain kirk yes when captain kirk died we sat and you

woke me up to texts

of your dissent and the conspiracy theories behind it and i was up all night researching all the conspiracy theories of it and i know that i was just like that's like one of the worst things about all this rational information that came flooding out about i can't believe anyone of anything i know because i can't know yet every credible source says completely different things and And there's like no way to know what's actually going on right now.

We're going to have our YouTuber FBI director Cash Patel tell us anything.

Like, we're going to believe a single word out of his mouth.

And that's why he's in there.

He's in there saying we don't believe.

Money, dude.

He's in there making it, man.

Dude, absolutely.

He's

getting that shit.

You don't need to create a smokescreen if the guy is just a smokescreen.

Yeah.

So, fuck this fucking guy.

Hell yeah.

You want to deposit me, motherfucker?

But a rich cash.

Yes.

great.

Cash money.

Well, I don't like that you gave him a good nickname.

I don't like that you gave him a fun nickname.

Cash honey.

That's cute.

Cash bunny.

All of it's too cute.

Cash bad bunny.

I just think it's all too cute.

I think it should be no crash, all credit.

Honey's pretty good.

I like that.

Yeah, I like that.

All right.

No cash, all credit.

Credit Patel.

Think.

Yes.

Well, cute.

Layaway Patel.

Let me finish this.

So

I have this.

Let me just finish this talk.

Then we go to so many other jokes we can hit.

So many other verbal jokes we can hit.

So what was I saying?

Epstein had a huge part of the city.

So he had a birthday party.

Yes.

So a lot of funny people had a birthday party.

So my original thoughts behind all this was like, I jumped to the most extreme view, was that this is a smokescreen to hide the fact that on 9-11, that day, an article in Bloomberg came out going through all of Ghislaine Maxwell's emails, something like 18,000 emails.

It was this gigantic investigative report.

That was the first layer that came out that said all of this stuff about essentially the words that Jeffrey Epstein said to cut Trump out of my dossier.

Yeah.

Like you got the actual words of Jeffrey Epstein to Ghislaine Maxwell.

We also now know that Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein's relationship was far more intricate and went on far longer than she said it did.

How is it more intricate?

She's in prison for it.

Because she, for a long time, the big thing has been Jeffrey did this all on his own.

I was never never his girlfriend.

I was just a I did property management for his thing.

We had a falling out, blah, blah, blah.

Where now when you look at the emails, you see that she was deeply involved in his rollout during his original child prostitution, like all of those charges that he got in 2006.

I believe yes.

Yes.

So when he got all those charges, Ghislaine was helping him walk through it.

And he got to, Jeffrey Epstein got to name his charges.

He said, what sounds better to you, lewd and lascivious behavior or solicitation of a minor for sexual activity.

And she was like, I actually think lewd and lascivious behavior actually sounds kind of better.

Of course it does.

She did that.

That's an easy question.

Yes.

So she did stuff like this.

So they were in lockstep.

She was a part of all the cover-ups.

She bought gifts for Alan Dershowitz.

They bought gifts for Leslie Wexler's friends.

He loves kids.

He loves

kids.

And long, dark socks.

Yeah.

If you can still be horny, right?

If you can still be horny in long, dark socks,

you're a murderer.

Right?

Unless they're compression socks.

Yeah, you got to help keep it up.

That's different.

That's different.

But so that's one layer of all this, which is we see all of this evidence.

Leslie Wexler, Victoria's Secret.

Do you know what Victoria's Secret was?

Teth.

She was stuck in a cage.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Someone get her out.

Somebody get that angel out of there.

So that was the first layer.

And then the next was the

entire Jeffrey Epstein 50th birthday book.

Yes.

That this is where the infamous Trump letter came out.

I can't wait for my 50th.

Well, we're going to do just this.

Yeah, yeah.

We're going to do this.

I definitely want a birthday book.

We're doing now.

No, no, no.

I'm doing this.

Because it's a cool idea.

I'm not going to take that away from you.

It's a fun idea.

I love pedophile yearbooks.

Yes.

This is what this guy did.

I have never seen it.

So I read the entire thing.

This is a part of what's ruined my life is that I read this entire birthday book.

and a lot of it is extremely cryptic but trump stuff is interesting in the fact that he wrote this whole long thing you know may every day be another wonderful secret we've now covered this to death yeah but i do find it interesting

in trump's defense if he did draw this i would expect the tits to be bigger well to me this speaks a lot louder Oh, because they're tiny.

Yes, like a little girl.

Like a little girl.

So I actually

now I see.

But there is pubic care.

But no that's the signature

uh it's literally a signature so this guy this is jeffrey epsilon when you watch the you look at the picture that donald trump drew you could see that it is definitely of a prebubescent girl you would think that if two two if you thought that two fun loving like single dudes would draw like and i mean this i know that that's ridiculous to say but like

wouldn't you draw big tits yeah I would probably, actually, if it was for you, I would just draw a drawing cock.

Yes.

If I was going to draw anything, you get cock.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

This birthday book had more drawings of tits by billionaires than I have ever seen.

Like,

the Leslie Wexer one is the one that's even weirder, where it's like, what do you get for the man who has everything?

Oh, I know exactly what Jeffrey wants.

And it was just, you just drew tits.

And so that's like one thing.

Here were some other fun ones.

There was things I didn't recognize.

There were stories from women, long convoluted stories about Jeffrey Epstein seducing them.

And then there was like stuff like that that was like really fucking weird.

Like this is the Lexley Wexler letter.

He strew tits on it.

And then the idea, which I think is interesting.

I know it's like ridiculous, but it's

this is all they thought of this man.

Yes.

This is all they thought of him was as a, you look at these rapists.

Look at this picture that someone else drew of him.

It was a picture of him being naked massaged by girls in bikinis, but next to it is him giving balloons to children.

It's a 1983 to 2003.

What a great country.

It is assuming the way I'm looking at this.

Those girls are girls.

And those girls are the girls massaging him.

Yes.

And so there's that, right?

So this is all in the book.

These are all people.

This isn't made up.

No.

Who drew this?

A cryptic billionaire.

And what I would love, side stories, L-P-O-T-L-A-Gmail.com, is for someone in our audience that is familiar with theoretical physics.

You're the science people.

I need a nerd to go through the birthday book because there is stuff in there that legitimately legitimately looks like he has Harvard there was like one joke that some some Harvard guy put in it that was a New Yorker cart cartoon that was a guy talking and it said you know I've spent all my life constantly thinking about how to make money when I really should be thinking about naked girls and the guy added at the end of it and

like biological immortality research There's several Easter eggs drops into this about him being a being deeply invested in which we now know in these the idea of being a transhumanist like getting involved in to saving his brain becoming immortal saving his cum making a world of of baby slaves for himself and like and sex slaves for himself and I want to know there are some physics jokes in this yeah and there are diagrams and there's shit in it that I don't understand that are coming from scientists and I want someone to look at it and tell me what the fuck it means.

Yes, please, because there's got to be some kind of weird cryptic joke.

There's something in there, but

what if it's funny?

That would make me so upset.

To be honest, that would at least give me something.

Yeah.

Where's Nadil?

Neil deGrasse Tyson when you need him.

He never shuts up.

Neil deGrasse Tyson is a one of them.

He's one of the bad ones.

Go explain this.

They're all one of the bad ones.

What did Clinton say?

Nothing.

He said he had.

Oh, no, his was all like he admired Jeffrey Epstein's

childlike curiosity.

Yeah.

Yes, that was the whole thing.

So we're all we're in a fun world and those are the guys in charge.

Those are the guys in charge.

And it seems like they're really starting to tell us what to do.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's what we want to do.

But

I will say.

So that's why.

I mean, like, there's a lot of information.

So this is part of the stuff that it's really

that and the fact that Jeffrey Meldrum died and no one talked about it either.

And one of the foremost Bigfoot researchers in America.

Was he ripped apart?

By a Bigfoot?

No.

Then it doesn't matter.

Exactly.

It was cancer.

Oh, it's just cancer?

Yep, at least Bigfoot waited to die.

Was he, was he one of the psychic Bigfoot guys?

No.

No.

Very much so locked in the world.

He talked to him like a human being.

He wanted toughs.

Yeah, he sat down with a cup of coffee and he's like, listen, we got to hash this out.

Nothing would make his life more complete than if he could watch a Bigfoot take a shit.

Oh my God.

Well, I mean, that would make me incredibly happy as well.

It's all these guys want.

Yeah.

So they only want a scat.

Was he good at it?

Was he, I mean, obviously, he never found a Bigfoot.

No.

So how good could he be?

Yeah, actually.

that's actually very very interesting yeah he never found one he tried super super hard he did well i guess it is good then then

bye jeffrey meldrum nobody cares oh no he looked like a bigfoot oh my god brain cancer yep he looked like a bigfoot he was like he looked he was he was so cute so he was going crazy

no he's just old yeah and he's like do you like bigfoot imprints he did i mean everyone's into some shit i'm into some dumb oh of course yeah what are you gonna do you know know?

No, it's good for him.

Honestly, he brought some legitimacy.

He brought some legitimacy to the Bigfoot field that sorely needed it.

And now he's dead.

He was an anthropologist as well.

Oh, okay.

Yeah,

that's what gave him his cred.

Thank you, Rob.

I appreciate you saying something nice about the man.

Rob is more of the Bigfoot.

Rob's the Bigfoot man.

Yeah?

You're into Bigfoot?

I don't really believe in him.

He doesn't believe in Bigfoot.

You've done as much research about Bigfoot as I've done.

I've been down the hole.

There's no reason to.

I like Harry.

I just want to believe he's real.

I just think of all of them, Bigfoot's the most successful.

Bigfoot makes the most sense.

Not the Loch Ness Monster?

That's the second.

Second most?

Yes.

Okay.

Second most.

I still think it's a ghost of a Plesiosaur.

You know who else died?

Who?

Rick Davies from Super Tramp.

That's who I'm sad about.

That's who I'm really broken up about.

I love my Super Tramp.

Hope you find your paradise.

Goodbye, stranger.

It's nice.

Go listen to Super Tramp, everyone.

Do you?

Dude, yes.

Honestly, no matter how you feel about the news or whatever, Super Tramp can heal your bad thoughts.

I promise you that.

Yeah, especially if you do a line of good old-fashioned Columbia White.

Yeah, enjoy yourself.

It's an old-fashioned do a bump, fuck your neighbor's wife.

Listen to Super Tramp.

Goodbye, stranger, because I'm gonna talk to you all fucking night.

You're not my stranger anymore.

You're my best friend.

Oh my gosh.

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Oh, yeah, yeah.

Here's a story, all right.

Let's just do this.

We've got a whole shit ton of story.

Oh, there's one story that actually relates to what we're already talking about.

What?

Kim Jong-un.

Kim Jong-un.

Oh, my God.

This guy never disappoints.

I mean, or he always does.

He always disappoints.

He made.

He talk about making free speech illegal.

He made the words hamburgers, ice cream, and karaoke illegal.

Wow.

Because they're too Western.

Yeah, well, they're too American.

I don't want him to have it.

Oh, but the people deserve hamburgers.

This should have caused them to be.

These are two of my three favorite things.

Guess what I would be doing?

What?

I'd be at the palace.

That's what I'd be doing.

You took hamburgers from me.

Well, they're not making hamburgers.

So you're taking the word hair.

You're taking the word hamburger away.

Well, then tomorrow.

It's supposed to be called double bread with ground beef now.

Double bread with ground beef is the dumbest name of for something i've ever heard the jingogi gaiogopang you know what it needs to be called right they're called unwiches

done

ice cream that's for free

ice cream is eskimo dude that's free eskimo's racist well tell him that not you're the racist i'm just

racist i'm reporting

i into it i love the inuits i mean i i'm in your

only name of one of the tribes why i they're my favorite.

Technically, that's the American translation of the word that he's using for ice cream.

So he's not calling it Eskimo.

He's calling it.

He's calling it Eskimo.

Oh, he's usually calling it Eskimo.

I literally thought Eddie was just making that up.

No!

I'm not being a prick.

I thought you were.

No, he is.

Kim Jong-un?

My Kim Jong-un?

He can't be being a prick.

I know you love him.

My Kim Jong-un.

He's your Kim Jong-un.

God, he just wants to eat words.

He wish he could.

He wished that it was food.

You know,

whatever keeps him occupied.

This might literally be the last regime, though.

There's been a lot of talk.

There's been a lot of talk about...

I've been very interested in

their family.

And

there's not a heck of a lot of

material about them, obviously.

But it really does.

Apparently, his hold is beginning to really fall apart within the country.

Because the other guys still managed to feed everybody.

Not everybody.

But like,

we didn't, the extremity of North Korea is really

rampable somewhere.

Well, there's not good people.

They're just normal.

Other leaders understood we might want to keep up a certain baseline to have.

If you want to have an army, people have to be fed.

And if you want to have a happy populace that is going to rise up, I learned this from Sim simci you need to give them things right like you need to give the populace something yeah in order for them to feel good about it so back in the day like literally like in the beginnings of north korea it was nicer there and then now it's really backslid and it's getting to the point where the center may not hold as as much but who knows yeah well it's because he's obsessed with nuclear weapons yeah his father and the other one before him the other guys they weren't as obsessed with nuclear weapons he calls him kookuler

because he's kooky.

But then, you know, these people, they're going to be all right.

They still have their on-screen accompaniment machines and everything will be fine.

What?

That's what they're calling the karaoke machines.

On-screen accompaniment machines.

Just make up another name.

Yeah, just make up another name.

Oonboxes.

Yeah, unboxes.

Just make the, put the name.

Discrete them.

Your favorite guy is Trump.

Put your name on the thing.

Yeah, yeah.

And the thing becomes

your buddy, right?

Just fucking learn the thing.

Which is an ironic because America is your number one enemy, enemy, which is a part of the reason.

Kerry Unkey.

Wow, Kerry Unkey's amazing.

I like Kerry Unkey.

I like that a lot.

You know what?

It's too much fun, though.

It's too much fun.

It's too much fun.

Because he loves roller coasters.

But they also say partially the erosion is his love for Trump.

There's like an erosion happening because it's this funny thing.

He needs a friend.

Yeah, America, but America is their only main.

That's like their main enemy.

Yes, but he likes us.

He likes Trump.

He likes Trump.

Yes.

But hates us.

But he likes

us.

country, capital N, capital K, North Korea, hates America.

That's their brand.

Yes.

He likes Trump, though.

Trump is America right now, unfortunately.

Well, and his dad hated America, but also loved America.

He loved making action movies and shit.

Yes.

But he was inspired by America.

He wanted his own American stuff.

Kim Jong-un just likes American stuff, which is it's eroding their trust of him inside of the country, ironically.

Yeah.

And he loves his roller coaster.

Has you ever seen him on a roller coaster?

It's so cute looking with his his little legs dangling and stuff.

Speaking of a roller coaster, can we talk about how the fact that you and I, I was just at Epic Universe and I spent money out the ass.

And I first went straight to the guy, right?

We had a VIP tour because we were doing this and it was like a fun little thing.

And I went to the guy and the first thing I asked was, have you been fishing people out of this giant fountain in the middle of Epic Universe yet?

And he was like, no, no, we haven't yet.

But we have the first death immediately.

Wow.

Like a month and a half.

Two, no, this is like three months after it opens.

They're having their first death.

Stardust Racers, which is honestly what it is.

Did you you go on it?

It is a really good ride.

It's funny.

I can't wait to go to this park.

I still want to go even though someone died.

People die at these parks all the time.

People die.

People die.

Okay.

People die.

And sometimes it's your time.

And sometimes you're going to die next to a child on a roller coaster.

Yeah, he didn't fly out.

He didn't fly.

He didn't fly out of the roller coaster.

No.

If he flew out of the roller coaster, we'd have a much different discussion.

His heart pussed.

He shouldn't have been on it.

I guess.

I think it's, you know.

He didn't know.

He was 30.

The guy died.

It was one of those things where it's really, really sad, where it was like at the end of the Stardust Racers, it parks.

Everybody gets out of the ride.

He's just.

Yeah.

And then they have to send like a guy dressed as Harry Potter over there to like go like, oh, no.

Oh, Restorius Emperantius.

Oh, we must.

Oh, does anyone have a Diplomonius Inflatomonius?

Home, someone called the Paradisium.

And they go and they have to do it all in character and try to flop them off the thing.

Hagrid comes out.

They're like, Paul is a little bit more.

It's a fucking part part of Dark Universe.

They just say it's like.

Send the corpse.

Send the corpse to Monsters Unchained.

They mean it.

Send it down there.

Pirates of the Caribbean had a real skull in it.

They did.

Skeletons.

Dude.

Skeletons.

Multiple.

But then they replaced most of them, not all of them.

But this is Universal's opportunity to get in on the lore.

Yeah.

And I'm certain that this guy, because wouldn't you say?

Go back to going to the fan.

It was like, so

how much for the body?

Yeah.

Do you have a discount with the club?

Like, are you part of the Epic Universal Club?

Do you have a discount with that?

No, I know it's hard to get tickets right now, but what if it wasn't?

It's really very sad.

He just died on there.

Yeah.

Oh, it was this Universal Visitor.

Was the magic broken for her?

He was in his 30s.

Yes, that's what I was saying.

He died of like, he probably had a heart defect and he didn't even know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's, it's, it is awful.

It is pretty sad.

Because some of those racers, it is an exciting ride, but this is too much of an advertisement for it.

If you could die on any theme park ride, what would you pick?

It's a small world after all.

Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

Definitely, I would like a slow one.

Oh, yeah.

And just sitting in it.

My goal is

I want to be dead on a ride in which I've gone around.

I've gone around a couple times.

Like, oh, one more time, sir.

He's like, all right, go ahead.

Well, he's asleep.

No reason to wake him up.

Kind of like one of those where just

and they're all like, you know, like kids are taking pictures with the funny sleeping man.

I wanted to be living with the land at Epcot just so they could make me part of the fertilizer.

Yeah, they just dumped them into the soil.

What's the big ball ride?

Oh, spaceship Earth.

That's

my buddy.

My buddy always said he wanted to die next to his grand

goals and die next to his grandson on that ride.

That's it, man.

Finally.

Judge.

You and your mother brought me so much joy.

Tomorrow's child.

Oh, man, we got a crazy murder.

Oh, this is the craziest story.

I can't believe we jumped to the roller coaster story.

I was just saying, because you brought up Roll D against his brother Friday.

It was a good segue.

But,

all right, DeForvid.

Okay, DeForvid.

Now, this guy named DeForvid, he's got a beauty mark on his face like he's Marilyn Monroe, but he is a child.

I believe he's a child.

I think he's like 23.

Something like that.

He's very, he's young.

He's way young.

His name is, I guess I've heard it pronounced as David.

Yes.

But it's spelled DeForvid.

I listened to the song that he is known for.

Me too.

Uh, guess what?

We already had baby face.

He's just another guy just singing.

This isn't he's a classic example of what we're dealing with right now.

He's certainly no youngblood, but he's a classic example right now of what we're seeing of like adult contemporary music done by people with face tattoos.

Yeah, they're all Michael Bolton.

That's all it is, guys.

Yeah, it's literally

early usher.

Yeah.

But he's barely, he's not doing any.

He's literally.

Listen to Babyface.

Yeah.

Babyface is great.

Wonderful.

And never carved up his 13-year-old girlfriend to put her in a Tesla.

He just married her.

See, now this is different.

So

that's a different story.

So, DeForvid has 25 million followers or something.

Two million.

Two million.

But he's another one of those guys that's famous, and I've never heard of him before.

I've never heard of him before this.

And he's incredibly famous.

Incredibly famous and not talented.

And so they went there.

And currently on tour, I'm just crushing it right now.

But he dropped, so apparently he had a Tesla that was right now.

It's seeming like he had a Tesla that was impounded.

It was in his name.

Yes.

It was impounded because it had been sitting out in front of his house.

Of which he had some beautiful mansion already.

And it was sitting in front of this and rotting in front of this beautiful mansion.

I'm sorry I use the word rotting.

But then Tesla, it was picked up.

It was brought to the impound center and they found a dismembered teen in it that turns out to to be a young lady that was missing for a year.

Unfortunately, rotting is the right word because that's how they found her because they impounded the Tesla and it was stinking like all hell.

Yes.

And it took a while for people to find out that this was happening.

And then the young lady,

so this was the first thing.

So this first came out.

DeForvid apparently has been, they're saying he's cooperating with the police.

God knows what he's doing.

Yeah.

Now we're seeing that they had, apparently, the big thing that came out over the last week was that they had matching tattoos.

Yeah, her name was Celeste Rivas.

She was 15 years old.

She was very...

They definitely knew each other.

He even wrote a song mentioning her name recently.

And they had the matching tattoos of what...

What were the tattoos?

Oh, my God.

They both had on their front finger

shush.

S-H-H-H.

So what seems to be...

Sinking.

Now, was it facing out or facing in?

Oh, shit, did it face in?

If he did it face in, it's just telling himself to shut up.

Telling me to shush.

I shouldn't tell anybody about my 14-year-old girlfriend.

There seems to be, now, this is again, massive conjecture.

Yes.

Massive conjecture.

It seems to be that this might be a lady,

child, that DeForvid was involved with, and she was dismembered and put on the back of this Tesla.

Now, we don't know whether or not he, we obviously don't know whether or not he did it or not.

We don't know whether or not it sounds like this was a thing that that was about to maybe become public for him.

We know that it was in his inner circle that it seemed to be known that he was dating

a child.

He was dating a child.

And which is why, because obviously you have to tell your tattoo artist that it's your girlfriend.

And if you're both getting the shush tattoos on at the same time.

I don't know.

I don't know what the process is.

Does that not make you an accessory to child trafficking?

My younger cousin just got a huge tattoo at 16.

You can eat paramental permits.

It's crazy.

You just need parental permission.

It was, it's gigantic.

Yeah.

You just need parental permits.

He's 16.

Yeah.

What do you do?

You know, but hey, he had the scratch for it.

He's happy.

No, he's happy.

Yeah.

You're going to believe it.

Honestly, I just haven't.

The only reason why I don't have a single tattoo is that during my most impulsive years, I needed weed.

I had no money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I had to choose between alcohol and drugs or tattoos.

Yeah, that was exactly what happened to me.

I wanted to get this giant eagle that wrapped around my shoulder.

Then they were like, it's $1,700.

You're like, oh, I'll just buy weed.

Yeah.

Oh, you smoke weed.

No, forget about it.

I wanted that.

Yeah, I wanted TCB with the flash.

I wanted the Memphis Mafia tattoo real bad.

Ooh.

That was like my favorite thing.

That's really.

You still can get it.

I got a shirt.

Yeah.

You know, like, I should have a shirt.

You should take your shirt off more than anyone I know.

I know, but that's kind of the thing is that it's just then you got to cover it up.

You should get bigger tits tattooed on your tits.

Wow.

Longer nipples.

I should make great tits.

And there's DeForvid.

Just so you know, we'll come back to this story, obviously, because DeForid.

Very much developing.

He is very much developing, and DeForvid continues to go on.

It's another example of someone that commits crimes and continues to be successful in this country.

So he is just rolling on with no form of accountability.

And he's crushing it.

He had a lot of tour dates while that girl was rotting in.

A lot of tour dates.

He had to.

He didn't want to be near the guard.

Uh-oh.

We also don't know whether, again, conjecture.

We have no idea.

Yeah, we don't know.

Of course, we have no idea.

Oh, this is just.

There's definitely an explanation, Eddie.

I know that.

Oh, of course.

I know that.

He lived in the house that they searched.

I know that much.

Here's another story that

kind of loves stories.

I love

a story

with my best friend.

Oh, and a story.

Can we play Metallica's one?

No.

No.

No.

It's like, Metallica's like the last fucking thing we could play here.

I just...

Santa Maria.

All right, is that good enough?

That's what this, this, I wish I could play this song underneath the story.

Woman 95 beats fellow nursing home resident who was a Holocaust survivor to death with the chunk of her wheelchair punch.

Why would that song make sense?

Oh, the prick design.

It's about nursing.

It's just something about like the 95-year-old woman army crawling across the fucking

like the dementia ward with a chunk of her fucking

wheelchair.

Tell me what I did.

Tell me what I did.

There is no details.

Okay.

It is just an 89-year-old Holocaust survivor was found beaten to death.

Her head was crushed by a 95-year-old woman.

We don't know what they were fighting about.

I honestly think it might have been about the Jimmy Kimmel situation.

She army crawled in the other room.

I only live for Jimmy Kimmel.

I've been following him since Vegas.

What would make a 95-year-old woman?

Again, I'm not blaming the Holocaust survivor.

I'm not going to blame.

I'm saying it's because of what that woman did.

But what could drive a like 114-pound, 95-woman, 95-pound woman to crush someone's head?

Well, you know, whatever the motive is, I think we, you know.

Doctors who presented me.

Oh, can I see?

Absolute horror.

How can I feel?

I can upset.

Dude, that's like it hurts just like, Smash, Smash, Smash, Smash.

Die, bitch.

Die, bitch.

Die surviving my shit.

Do you think she was?

She ain't surviving my shit, bitch.

Here comes the Holocaust again, bitch.

Do you think that she was extra strong, or do you think the woman was extra soft?

Do the cold.

Apparently, by the time she got to her, yes, she was, she had already been boiling for about five minutes.

And so that is about perfect.

That's about an imperfect soft yoke.

Oh, man.

This is.

Well,

okay.

Oh, okay.

You thought you could fucking, you thought you'd live longer than me, bitch.

I am that shit.

Here comes the finishing line.

I'm the finishing line, bitch.

Here's all it's over.

I think it's probably a little sweeter than that.

I know you miss your husband.

Time for me to send you back.

Hey, you go.

Yeah, I've always wanted to do this.

This was on my bucket list.

This was on my bucket list.

They had the nerve to put this woman in jail.

They're now trying to figure out what to do with her.

They're like, the guests, like the lawyers on both sides are like, we're trying to, the term they came up with was, we're trying to figure out a robust bail program for this lady.

Well, because it's dementia.

It's dementia connected.

Dimensioning, all right?

That's why they don't know what to do with it.

Bob, you're saying that you think this is fueled by dementia?

You don't think that this is fueled by an unnecessary race?

What if she was a German?

Oh, my God.

If she's one last one, What's her last name?

What's her last name?

What's your last name?

Stitzenhauer.

Oh, my God.

If she was like, y'all, one final flow for Savannah.

Like, if it was like that, that would be fucking.

I have one final solution.

Y'all, very good.

First, I voted for Gina Stein, the ultimate destabilizing figure.

Now I will go and I will kill my final Jew.

Oh, God.

oh she's not been named oh okay oh she's not currently famous that was her parents fault

everyone's getting

to give her a name you know what i thought that was funny no i know i know

i just think it's funny that you could be canceled about everything else that we've said today

but this

that i can do this all day and i won't get in trouble this is the show yes it is our job to make fun of death death.

Yeah.

That's why it's fucked up when I can't do my job.

My hand is like, that's why I feel like I'm in a, I feel like I'm in a cage right now.

I have been making fun of death my entire comedy career.

That's all I've woke up and said, you can't do that no more.

Well, one group said it, and we're going to see how long it lasts.

Because right now, obviously, there's going to be a lawsuit.

Jimmy Kimmel's going to do a big old lawsuit.

There's going to be a bunch of stuff that's going to come out of this.

Tucker's mad.

If you don't want to make Tucker mad, he's like, I see horrible things all the time.

Oh, you're going to fuck canceling people.

That's what I do.

Oh, you can't talk canceling, people.

No, my bow tie is getting too tight.

It's my Tucker Carlson voice.

Live from North Blade.

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Also, you know what we never covered was the $20,000

burglary at Disney.

What?

I don't even know about this.

You're false.

This is a $20,000 burger.

I was busy this week.

This is a story I actually can't believe you didn't hear about.

Send this to me when you see it.

All right, so what happened?

This is amazing.

So this is at disney springs okay you remember you know paddlefish and disney springs that place that has that like it's this it looks like

a soup bar killed somebody recently yes great there's a gay that's awesome but it's a it's like a q restaurant i guess it's like they they consider it i know what it looks like uh-huh you know that has this moat

i like the indiana jones bar What do you say?

Go ahead.

This man,

they were closing for the night, and all of a sudden, a man

arrived into the kitchen in full scuba gear.

Uh-huh.

He had swam through the river, through the retention pond, up into the race.

Yes, he swam into it, walked in full scuba gear.

Flippers and everything?

Everything, tied them up, tied up all the people, and robbed

a spear gun?

Yes, no, I wish he did.

Honestly, that'd be amazing.

They said, right now, here, he said he had no weapons.

From the future, he said they tied him up, but he did not display any weapons.

They just didn't like him going.

He probably did like, the force can panels you.

You mean like learning OSCER?

And they were like, oh, my God, it's a dark Jedi.

Oh, no.

It's Darth Maul.

You're the wettest Jedi I've ever seen.

Oh, man.

He really puts the mole in Darth Maul because he's coming from the Cinnabon.

It's like a 20,000, but he robbed the place of $20,000.

He's the Riddler for Matt Reeves.

He's Matt Reeves' riddler, dude.

Look at that.

$20,000 cash.

In and out, went back into the river, took the money, put it in a waterproof bag, sunk back into the river like it was that.

What was that shit?

Disney's mad that got rid of all those gators now.

Oh, yeah, dude.

What was that show with Martin Sheen back in the day?

Oh, the West Wing.

Not the West Wing.

That's the only show I know of.

When he was like a young man.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

It was like a show about being in the water.

It was like, I just remember the bit from Hot Shots Part Dew.

Does anybody know what I'm saying?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

The Hotshots Part Du bit was an Apocalypse Now joke.

No, I loved you in Wall Street.

Yeah, but it was a platoon.

Hawaii 5-0.

He was not in Hawaii 5-0.

He wasn't in Hawaii 5-0.

No, no, no, it was that was a platoon!

Apocalypse Now joke.

Carl Sheen was in platoon.

Martin Sheen was in apocalypse.

Best stories about POTL GET.

I loved you in Wall Street, the movie they were in together.

That's scuba screen.

But there was a joke.

There was another joke about people scuba diving.

Well, that was at the end of the, when Lloyd Bridges was scuba diving to get to Saddam Hussein.

But there was like a joke about it.

He was going to kill you till you're dead from it.

Yes.

That's a television show parody that we did.

I don't know.

Oh, well, I don't know that.

But he farted.

I know what I don't know.

It's got the other guys.

I do remember that.

I love that fucking movie.

It's the best movie of all time.

When they're about to jump out of the plane and the lights flashing, and it's like, green, green, green, green.

Great joke.

Yes.

You know, great joke.

He says he's reading great expectations, and they ask him how it is.

And he's like, not all I hope for it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kiss me like you have never kissed anyone before.

She's like, suck it on the nose.

Yeah, it's great bet.

It's great bet.

Great fucking bet.

I got this tongue from a Labrador retriever.

Yeah, come on.

Lloyd Bridges, amazing.

Amazing bit.

Technically, Kim Jong-un would be an amazing addition to a Hotshots film.

And I think that Charlie Sheen.

That's the only thing I want from Charlie Sheen right now.

He is

working on that.

You know that he's working.

He has to do something fun.

They are.

That's the thing now.

They're doing something.

How long is he going to be?

They're relapping him around.

I have AIDS and I do drugs.

He's doing it.

He's not fun, Charlie.

No, he's doing the WhatsApps books.

He's doing the reab thing right now where he's doing the, I'm sorry, for my last round.

Well, he has his dock.

Yes.

And he went on Rogan.

But you remember?

He was on Rogan Rogan when the news broke.

Yes.

He's done this like four times before.

He was like, no more.

I respect all Charlie's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's just like, I don't want to talk about it.

I'm good about it.

Actually, I'm pretty good at that.

He was actually, I was impressed.

Charlie Sheen always impresses me as much as I think he's a scumbag.

Yeah.

He like always shows, like, in the roast world, he came up out of everyone who ever did the roast, he knew his shit right away.

Yes.

He came and he nailed it.

Who fucked up he was.

That's what they always said.

He was a, he truly was such a pro that no one.

He could hop up out of a stupor and just nail it.

Two and a half men was never held up by him.

Yeah.

He did it afterwards and that whole thing.

He would not show up and then it would be hold up.

But if he was there, they did it.

Yeah, he was a fucking machine.

Yeah.

All right.

I think we're.

How long is this episode?

I don't know.

There's a couple things I wanted to talk about real quick.

Just some quick animal news.

Zookeeper killed by lions in front of everyone at the zoo.

Yeah, which is hilarious and great.

Wild stuff.

I mean, honestly, you got to be careful.

You got to get a charge extra for that.

Yeah, exactly.

Can I get, you know, you got to be in the splash zone?

Is this like a fucking good, like a fucking...

I got it.

Can I?

Oh, go check out our Guar interview on YouTube.

Oh, please check out the Guar interview.

Speaking of being sprayed with blood.

Yes.

They jerked off the orcas, the orca in, that's stuck in France because they're worried it was going to fuck its mom.

Is that dude?

They keep sending me this.

I know what's going on over in France.

These orcas are stranded.

There's nowhere for them to go.

And so what's so

very sad.

So they have to get jerked off so they don't have sex with their own mother like they're Mike Pence.

Well, they're stuck in this.

They're like, you know, the whole fucking place place is shut down marineland in France and these orcas are just stuck in these tanks and they don't know what to do.

People are still showing up to take care of them but they're worried because like there's nothing going on anymore that this orcas is going to fuck his mom and they can't have him fuck his mom because they don't need any more inbreeding.

The orcas already probably, it's already kind of inbred.

Can we just say, okay, this might be super controversial, but just abort the inbred baby and let them fuck each other.

I don't know.

If they're if you can do an abortion, an orca abortion.

Well, you can.

You could throw it in a sort of like a giant.

To be honest, I think you could throw it in a giant.

I mean, again, this might be controversial, but put it into some sort of industrial blender, make it into chum, and you can feed it back to them.

Interesting.

I think the people will hate that.

Yeah, I think that's what's going to get you canceled.

I hope so.

I mean,

I've been canceled already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I've already been canceled.

Yeah.

Yeah, you have.

So this is all just gravy.

Yeah, if you listen to us.

Speaking of gravy.

If you found this and were able to listen to us, congrats.

Wow.

Wow.

I can't believe you found it.

Oh, do you know?

Here's

big animal news: they're breeding dodos again, apparently.

So we're going to be able to eat one of these things.

That's going to go real well.

Yeah.

I definitely think bringing them back.

I think the dodo is going to be like five to seven years out until we got a dodo.

Put me back.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm sick of being Ariana Grande's pet.

You have any idea how many Ariana Grande has been doing.

How many get a dodo for the studio?

Just keep in the parking lot.

But you know what?

You know what the problem is, right?

I'd eat it.

You know what they say about dodos?

You show up one day and and be like, Eddie, where's a dodo?

You just see the two web feet, two web feet hanging out of your mouth.

The problem with dodos is that the same thing's gonna happen the last time we had dodos.

Yeah, they're gonna just stupid themselves off the planet.

Yeah, they've talked about this.

We're literally gonna get dodos.

We're gonna get dodos, and then legitimately, they're just gonna run into traffic.

Like, this is what's gonna happen.

We're gonna be covered in dodos.

They're gonna just go, they're gonna bring down.

I

mark my words, they're gonna bring down a plane, they're going to destroy.

I bet you they're gonna to destroy a bullet train.

They're going to stop a bullet train.

The laws don't stop bullet trains.

Are you going to see that?

Did you ever see that kind of footage?

Oh, yeah.

That shit's wild.

Yeah.

They're such a dumb-looking bird, though.

I love it.

They're called a dodo.

They're the coolest.

And they're dumb.

They're stupid.

They can't fly.

They just walk.

Yeah.

But, you know, they've raised about $120 million to do this.

So that's good.

Not a waste of money at all.

Certainly not.

That couldn't be applied anywhere.

It's the same company that's trying to recreate mammoths and dire wolves.

So they're they're just they're doing it.

I think it's cute.

Tasmanian tiger.

I want that.

That's recent.

Honestly, I just feel like let's just focus with the group we got.

Because we're already cool if we, I mean, you know what they really should do is the fucking white rhino that there's only one left.

I don't think we need, you know what?

I think that white rhino, again, has just been like, thank you.

I'm out of this.

I'm so happy to not be in this news cycle anymore.

I think the white rhinoceros is just like, that's called called being canceled.

Yeah.

That's what got canceled.

It's the white rhinoceros.

Like, that's the difference.

Like, you got to be careful.

All right.

So I think that

how long is our episode?

This episode's been like two hours long.

But also, I think it's time to.

I want to tell you this.

We've made it so far, maybe without being canceled and maybe without our show.

Well, I have a very special story that I wanted to share with you.

Something cool happened to me when I was in New York, and I really want to bring it up.

Also, go see Jeff Ross's show, Take a Banana for the Ride.

It's on Broadway for another week.

It was amazing.

It blew my mind.

I saw it twice.

It's all about my family.

It's beautiful, but that's not what I want to talk about.

I went and saw the folks.

You want to be about UFO.movie, my movie, the Kickstarter for Unbelievably Friendly Organism.

It's a good movie, and I can't wait to be in it and watch it.

You have no choice.

You are in the movie.

I don't have a part for you or what a part for Marcus already.

That's great.

Good.

Marcus is going to act.

He's going to, yeah.

Wow.

I have a great part for him.

I can't.

Is it not?

Is it a lot of lines?

No.

Good.

You'll like that.

Yeah.

Does he like dig?

Tell me, Diggs.

No.

We should put a dicking scene in there.

I won't do that.

No.

Put a dicking scene in.

I will not not compromise my vision.

So I went and saw Caught Stealing, the new Darren Arnofsky movie.

I'm excited.

It was pretty fucking good.

Yeah.

I was just excited to see him do like a gritty, small, you know, low-level crime movie.

It looks like a Guy Richie movie.

It's an East Village movie.

He made it.

He lives in the East Village.

He made it.

It was like an homage to his neighborhood.

It takes place in 1998.

It was a lot of fun.

What's his puts was actually very funny.

Zoe Kravis is super hot.

Oh, Zoe, Austin Butler, my boy.

Austin Butler.

Yeah.

My boy's always good.

Austin Butler's good, man.

Dude, fucking Lee Schreiber and Vincent D'Analfrio play these psychic

hitmen.

They're hilarious.

They're so good.

But the movie's great.

Here's the thing.

In the very beginning of the movie, there's a scene with Zo Kravitz and

what's it, Austin Butler making out in the hallway of their apartment.

Yeah, they're going at it.

And then this woman comes by and she's like, take it upstairs.

And she leaves.

You know who this woman was?

Who?

Miss Kitty.

My friend.

They put Miss Kitty in the movie.

Miss Kitty.

She's this woman.

She's this old black lady that I'm friends with.

She worked blasts from the past.

She worked across the street from the village poorhouse where I was a chef.

At the moment, she used to get us in the movies all the time.

I used to give her free lunch, and she would let us go into the movie theater and stuff.

And at AMC, her name's Kitty Lawrence.

She's an East Village legend.

I love this woman.

We were very close.

I go see her every time I'm in town.

No, he put her, he was her neighbor, and he put her on the red carpet.

Yes, no, no, no, no.

She's unbelievable.

i remember one day she comes in to get a burger from me and you know on the back in the day the amc um name tags they had their it was like their name and like

yeah they look funny and uh and hers was always priscilla queen of the desert which i found very cute yeah you know and then one day she came in and her favorite movie was black swan And I was like, Miss Kitty, you don't like

Black Swan?

I was like, you like Black Swan?

Not

Priscilla Queen of the Desert?

And she's like, oh, well, I was working and my neighbor came in and he asked me why his movie wasn't my favorite movie.

And so I put his movie on my name tag.

I was like, is your neighbor Darren Arnofsky?

And then she was like, oh, no, Darren.

Do you know Darren?

It was the cutest fucking movie.

I love that shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he puts it in the movie.

What a real New Yorker.

That's amazing.

Miss Kitty is like one of these ladies who's never left the East Village.

Like, she don't even go to 23rd Street.

No, she knows.

And she remembered like

Red Fox.

Yeah.

She banged Jimi Hendrix.

She used to roller skate around the East Village in a bikini in the 60s and shit.

She's the coolest motherfucker.

I love Miss Kitty.

Shout out to you.

I can't believe you're in the movie.

It was amazing.

She honestly, she's working at the movie theater.

She fucking could use the money.

Darren Arnofsky is very cool for putting her in this movie.

Apparently, her and Darren Arnofsky, during, right before they started making the wrestler, got Mickey Worksber together.

Like,

what an incredible movie is.

She's a fucking legend.

Wow, that's a legend.

That's so amazing.

I love that woman.

She's the best.

Shout out to Miss Kitty, Kitty Lawrence, Ghostie Caught Stealing, surprisingly fun movie.

Yeah.

I love that all these guys, Paul Thomas Anderson, Paul Thomas Anderson.

Our early days.

They're all making their weird, like action movies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, now they're like, I liked Eddington.

A lot of people now didn't like it, but I liked Eddington.

It's been a lot.

Yeah.

But, you know what?

That new, was it One Day at a Time?

What is it called?

That new

P.T.

Anderson movie?

Oh, it looks great.

With Lick DiCaprio?

I can't wait.

That one.

It comes out this week, right?

They were all saying, this is the one.

I mean, of course.

I mean, he had to make something badass.

He He had to because, like, just two were fine.

Look at pizza was a waste.

And then the inherent vice wasn't great.

Yeah.

It was all right.

It was fine.

But yeah, this movie was.

Yeah, one battle after another looks really fucked up.

Everyone's saying that it's like the best movie ever made.

I can't wait.

I can't wait to fucking see this movie.

It looks fucking awesome.

I love, you know, DiCaprio's going to crush it.

But yeah, no, movie corner.

Yeah.

Well, here, let's do some listener letters.

Listener letter.

Rob!

Yes!

Woo!

Side-starly!

Don't

present me!

I am hard!

Yeah!

That was fucking awesome!

Hold on a second.

I'm gonna play it again.

I'm playing it.

Maybe it's because I said it was hard.

Yes!

Damn, it keeps getting cut off.

Send us another version.

It was pretty awesome.

We'll play it again.

Do you think, well, we're getting a lot of metal.

Do you think we're more metal than punk?

I think that our listenership might be more metal than punk.

Interesting.

But then punk.

Maybe

they probably just don't own headphones and shit.

No, punk is different now.

Punk is different now.

We just got like, that was just, I love a melodic magic.

I like metal, but I'm more of a punky.

I understand.

That's what I find interesting.

You really?

I thought that you'd be more into, because like I love all, I'm, you know, I love metal.

I do like metal.

Don't get me wrong.

Judas Priest.

I love the old school.

I like priests a lot.

Yes.

How much do you listen to Maiden?

Hardly ever.

Iron Maiden's.

I always had a chip on my shoulder because when I was younger, I was dating this chick.

And after she broke up with me, she told me the whole time we were dating, she was babysitting for the drummer of Iron Maiden.

I was like, you never fucking told me that?

I always hold it against you, Dorothy.

Fuck you, Dorothy.

And you know what else?

Her father wrote the fucking theme song to the Miami Miami Dolphins and he hated me.

Broke my heart.

You deserve.

Because you were fucking her.

You should never have fucked her.

I barely kissed her.

I was 14.

Ah, I want to.

Here we go.

All right.

So I got some stuff here, right?

So this is the...

What's

last week?

We talked a little bit about what's with the

nubs.

Oh, no, there's an update on that.

We have a couple of things.

This guy, we talked about the guy that this last week, the surgeon that so happily cut his legs off, tournament nubs, for his own sexual gratification.

He did insurance fraud to to get it done.

And he was hanging with the eunuch maker.

Well, we now know that a part of really his,

like, the reason why people were like,

this guy, was because he had a lot of extreme amputee porn on him.

And a lot of, and he was involved with that guy, the eunuch maker, which we covered when we actually, back in the day, when Pat and Oswald were on the show, Marius, we covered that very thickly.

It was Marius Gustavusen.

Yeah.

But he was this guy.

He tried to like him.

He tried to like him.

I tried to like him.

I tried to get into it.

I was like, there is, people love this guy.

What am I missing?

It's like severance.

Literally like severance.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the real severance.

He's the deformed

amputee pornography.

But that's like a lot of people said.

Except it's his own body, right?

All right, cool.

Nothing makes me hornier than my own feet turning into sludge.

But a lot of people said that one of the big things was about the

nubs, the feeling of it, right?

So this is, so this is very interesting.

So I'm listening to this week's side stories, and the story about that amputee doctor came up.

I'm a licensed prostheticist.

So I deal with amputees almost daily.

Awesome.

One of my coworkers.

I need to know this person now.

Yes.

One of my coworkers is also a double amputee, both legs.

And they both told me about how dating as an amputee is hard because of that fetish.

Yes.

They told me that.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

I never thought about that.

Yes.

They told me that they would go on dating apps and groups to meet people, and they would end up talking to someone that focuses a lot on their amputations while claiming they're also an amputee.

He told me that it's super common for people that have that fetish to fake being an amputee to be closer to others with the amputations for fetish's sake, which is very interesting.

And then there's another one about body identity integrity disorder.

The story about the surgeon who cut off his own legs reminded me of a super rare neurological disorder I learned about while getting my psych degree.

Yeah.

It's called body identity integrity disorder, or BIID, in which a person experiences a persistent intense desire to amputate or disable a healthy body part because they feel that part does not belong to their true body images.

Okay.

Individuals with BIID often report significant distress or discomfort with their intact bodies and may seek surgery or other means to remove or alter the limb, even though it is physically healthy.

There's a guy named Rowland Bowen back in the 70s that did the same exact thing.

Interesting.

I like every part of my body.

I don't want to lose anything.

My shit?

Super super necessary.

If anything, I'll put stuff on.

I need extra.

Yeah, I would love an extra hand, an extra.

Oh, my God.

Two extra penises.

Imagine a hand right above your ass.

You can just scratch all the time.

My pants.

What's above?

I have to redo all my pants.

Oh, you're right.

And then you know that hand will push my belt down.

I already have those issues.

Yeah, you're having problems.

Or it could hold your pants up.

But then it gets cramped

from gripping all day.

Here we go.

It has been family lore for years that my grandfather, an anesthesiologist, miraculously saved the man's life in the operating room, even though he appeared to be dead by massaging his heart directly.

Oh, yeah.

Recently, I discovered he had published a case report on this occurrence.

I read it.

1960, South Africa.

A man, fat smoker, came in for a minor surgery to have a bladder carcinoma removed.

They put him to sleep.

After about 10 eventful minutes, he stopped breathing properly.

After a minute of trying to get that back up, my grandfather and the rest of the surgical team sawed open his rib cage and one lung popped out, overly inflated and unable to contract to breathe.

It was so inflated that it was a miracle that they just didn't stab it as they were opening the chest cavity.

My grandfather took a hold of the lung, manually deflated it, then massaged it until the lung started contracting of its own accord.

Then he and the rest of the team realized the heart wasn't working, so we massaged it for a half an hour.

The guy lived, but only for another 54 hours.

Holy shit.

All you had to do is give the guy a hot stone massage directly on his heart, and he can live for a full other two days.

I read this article and realized that it concludes that this poor guy died having his lungs and heart manhandled by my grandfather because he didn't receive enough of one type of anesthetic medication for his reflex to calm down.

So actually, this was a story about my grandfather accidentally underdosing a guy and then having to tear him apart with his bare hands while the poor man's body screamed in horror.

My grandfather qualified as a doctor at 16 and retired at 76.

He worked at several very well-regarded hospitals.

His party trick was intubating himself in front of other people.

My mom said he did a lot of amphetamines, but he also says that every single one of his doctor friends was also doing a lot of amphetamines.

Well, he did uncle amphetamines.

Yes, exactly.

Because they help you react quickly to occasions like having a human lung pop out of the chest cavity at you like an overfilled balloon.

But it sounds like he shouldn't have grabbed and squeezed on it like it was a fucking

like what's it?

Did you see you didn't watch that new show Duster, did you?

No, it was that's in the movie.

It's in the show Duster.

They like did they make it look like anyone could do it.

Like some hitman.

It's just like, yeah, I'll squeeze this hard.

You squeeze it.

Squeeze squeeze.

I think you gotta be real gentle.

Well, what an episode of side stories it was, Eddie.

Woo!

You know, live every day knowing for a fact that every single word that you said is being measured against you and that every single word that you're saying is being recorded to a microphone for literally millions of people to hear.

And you're going to love the fact that a lot of people are going to pour over that, including members of your own government.

They're going to listen to your content talking about common old ladies beating each other to death.

And they're going to be listening for stuff to cancel me on.

And that's none of the stuff that's going to be canceled to me on.

So that's going to be really, really funny.

I want to go back and laugh about that.

You can all laugh about this later on.

I want you, the fans, to start canceling us again.

I'm sick of that.

You know, that's your job.

No, don't give them back.

No, don't give them back.

Well, listen, if you want to cancel me in real life, I'm going to Madison.

I got a gig I got to plug real quick.

It's coming up in a couple weeks.

I just booked it out of nowhere.

After Milwaukee, I'm going to Madison, and I'm going to do a show.

I'm doing a stand-up show at Comedy Club on State.

I'm very excited.

That's going to be October 12th.

I'm doing it with my buddy Logan Metz.

He's going to play.

He's a piano player from Promise of the Real, Lucas Nelson, Promise of the Real.

He's going to open for me.

We're going to perform together a little bit.

That's awesome.

Yeah, I got like a legitimate rock star with me.

It's going to be fucking crazy.

Make sure you come and see it.

Tickets are now available on EddieTunes.com.

Also, Henry and I are coming to the Matteo Community Center two weeks after that on October Friday, October 24th with Billy Wayne Davis.

We're doing side stories in Humboldt.

We're going to have so much fun.

We did the show last year.

This is our first repeat show together.

Yes.

You know, so this is where this is the first time we're ever coming back to somewhere.

That's how much fun we had.

And we're coming up.

We're going to have like, it's going to be fun.

It's going to be really fun.

Yeah.

So make sure you come out.

The show is going to be completely different uh than it was last time because we don't remember what we said nope i was so stoned

and uh i don't think i think it's gonna happen again but we're really really excited so come on out to humbold if you're anywhere in the area you can meet some of the some of the coolest people in the goddamn world they're all very cool i love everyone up there literally the best yeah finest weed you have ever had in your whole life i believe it's like ridgeline farms oh uh huckleberry farms yeah ridgeline there's huckleberry farms and ridgeline farms they're both amazing.

Truly the most delicious, best weed.

And blueberry caviar.

I'd need it back in my life.

I got white thorn rose.

I need all of that.

That shit's fucking nice.

I finally finished the weed.

You finished all of it?

No, there's some left.

I need some.

I got some good stuff.

Not too much left.

There's a little bit of the lance left.

I want that.

I got some lance left.

I want that.

I love the lance.

All right, and also go check out our interview with Guar.

It's actually fucking more listenable than I thought it was.

It's exclusively on YouTube.

It's only on YouTube because the audio is difficult.

Also, they are guaranteed.

They're so

visual medium.

Yes.

So go watch it on YouTube.

Subscribe to our YouTube and all the other YouTube channels.

We have so much going on over there.

There's a lot coming out.

It's got a lot of stuff in development that you're going to get.

October is going to be a big month for us on YouTube.

Yeah.

So fucking stay

locked in.

We got so much shit coming your way.

We're hitting.

We got new tour dates coming out soon.

Oh, yeah.

For side stories and for my own stand-up and last podcast, and I left all the way through 2026,

at least through July or something like that.

So stay tuned.

We got so much coming out.

Oh, and thank you.

I got so many beautiful messages this week from like dudes who played football.

It's so nice that you're getting nice messages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I haven't received a nice message in so week.

I haven't received a shit.

I just tortured you.

I got so many dudes reach out to me and talk about how like they're so happy to hear another man talk about how football tortured them.

No, no, it's not.

And like, and like, so thank you.

You are heard.

And I love you guys.

And there's two more Aaron Hernandez parts coming out.

So stay tuned this week and next.

I fucking love you guys.

Stay cool.

And thanks for letting us put this out at daylight also.

Yes.

But you liked it, right?

Yeah.

Get better, Dan Marino.

Yeah, I guess.

We're all rooting for you, Danny.

I mean,

anything to distract.

Anything to distract.

Hail Satan, everyone.

Hail Dan Marino again.

Be careful up there, just put you're in

our schools their jobs.

Robert Redford got out easy.

easy.

No, he literally just like no one thought about him.

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