Side Stories: Tastes Like Tradition

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This is the last podcast.

On the left.

Side stories?

That's when the cannibalism started.

Side stories.

Yes. All right.
we are good.

Good.

Man, I am looking at this picture right now.

For some reason, I went through this thing, and I found a bunch of...

Is it of Kelly Riley?

No, I don't want to...

Because that's all you're doing.

That's all you're talking about these days.

Let's not bring her up.

You're going to get in trouble.

No, you didn't.

I kept it off mic.

I hope you never meet her. No, I don't want to.
You keep that seductress away from me in my home. I don't need this woman destroying my family, destroying my marriage.
She was British. I didn't know that.
She's from Breastington. Chestington.
Oh, I'm sorry. Chestington.
Yes. For sure, Chestington.
I'm referring to the fake Texan Kelly Riley. Yes.
That was on Yellowstone. Yes, she's a Montanan.
Montanan. I'm just...
She's a Dutton. I'm a fan, and she has been telepathically telling me...
Cute as a Dutton. She has been telling me through the internet that she's in love with me, and that unfortunately I have to come and kill her husband.
Yeah. But that's something else that's a whole other side story that's not on side stories.
I did want to show you this. What is this? This is from Brazilian Wax Museum.
Is that supposed to be Pope Francis? This is Pope Francis. That does not look like Pope Francis.
But I think what's really funny... But I did guess it was him.
Yes, but you know what's funny about it? He looks like that now. Really? Have you seen the pictures of him now? He evolved into this? Well, he's got like bloated dying face because the Pope's dying.
Yes, he's got pneumonia at 88. I don't care how many Catholic hospitals you got working on you.
Go pneumonia. Go, I'm rooting for you pneumonia.
Well, no, we're going to end up with the worst Pope once this guy's gone. There's no worst Pope.
There is a worst Pope. He's the best Pope of our lives.
No, he's not. He's lying.
No. He's fucking lying, Eddie.
No. He walked it all back.
He's a fucking liar. He's a little-headed, elfin-shoe piece of shit.
So does he not like gay people? No, he's a fucking piece of shit. He walked it all back.
Fuck him. I can't wait to see his death.
Pope Francis doesn't like gay people? No, Pope Francis can fucking suck a dick, but he wouldn't because he's afraid. Welcome to Side Stories.
Well, someone who doesn't like gay people, he certainly picked a pretty gay way to call himself Frank. Exactly.
My name is Henry Zebrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson.
Oh, no, Henry. It's Kelly Riley.
No, Kelly Riley. You get away from me.
Give me some liquor. You get the hell away from me.
You get the hell away from me, you homewrecker. You're gross.
And I hate you, Kelly Riley. You get out of here.
We're bringing it before. This was an off-mic moment.
I was expressing my admiration for Kelly Riley as a performer. Oh, yeah? What movies has she been in? She's the one I made.
There was one movie I saw in my dreams where she was the female captain of a ship and I was the first mate. And I had to go in there and I said, let's put the mate in the first mate.
Yeah, and she was just like, leave me alone, please. Even my dreams I was rejected.
But I have a beautiful wife. Who does look a lot like Kelly Riley.
Kind of works out for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think it is adorable that you're constantly attracted to women that look like Natalie. Yes, but also it's like, to me, and I've said this to her before, nothing would make me happier for her to go out on a mission and kill this woman.
Really? Only just because I would find it incredibly hot. Them fighting each other.
Oh, yeah. And then her subsequent beating Kelly Riley.
Only because it would be fun to watch. Well, how do you know she'd win? Because Kelly Riley has no training and she doesn't know what's coming.
She doesn't have training. You're right.
And she doesn't know what's coming. Well, now she does.
She's not listening. The warning's out there.
No, she's not going to. I'm saying these are my...
What do you mean? What is this, Ken? Oh, Google AI, fuck you. Yes, Kelly Riley can fight.
As she's demonstrated in her role as Beth Dutton on the show Yellowstone. Not the way...
She famously lost a fight in that show. Well, I'm not quite aware of that performance of hers.
She's all bloody and her fucking breasts are out, though. I saw some clips.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking, it's a hell of a scene.
I like this. Although the fight scenes may look real and bloody, the actors must stay in the mindset of being ferocious.
Which can be exhausting. Thanks, Google AI.
It's the worst. Alright, so besides my, I guess, a warning to Kelly Riley, just warn her.
Just tell her I mean no harm. Tell her we want her on the show.
Ask her if she knows anything about aliens or flat earth. We talked about this earlier today.
That would be great. Honestly, if I could get two of those in there, we can have her on the show.
But we got big updates. Oh, yes.
There's lots of stuff. One of the biggest updates is, do we have the Polish national anthem? I think we're allowed to play that.
Yeah, right? That's amazing. We have to play it because, again.
Is that Ding Dong the Witch is Dead? Yeah, I do believe. Roll out the barrel.
Roll out the barrels again. Two sausages for me.
Three for you. We just want to say congratulations to the fatherland.
As it turns out, Jack the Ripper is Polish. What? Yep.
We got one! Is he the first Polish serial killer? No. First and last.
Well, biggest and most. Richard Kuklinski, I guess.
Yeah, Richard Kuklinski was a very good employee that loved his job. See, Jack the Ripper, now this has been contested for at least a decade.
It's DNA evidence. But it's been contested.
We are still waiting on the final publication of the peer-reviewed study of this DNA, but it's getting closer and closer every day.

Now, according to a historian, and I believe they call him Ripperologists, which is what we were, when we covered Jack the Ripper a million years ago, that's what we became.

So you were a Ripperologist.

I was.

But I'll always remember, this was my favorite suspect back in the day.

Okay. So this is, I suspect back in the day.
Okay.

So this is, I'm so happy for him. So it's not new.
No, it's not new. Russell Edwards is a historian slash ripperologist that has been saying that, so a piece of what I guess is old timey cum was on a scarf of Catherine Eddowes, of one of the victims of Jack the Ripper.
And this man has been, I guess, in this decades-long hunt to finally finalize this DNA testing, and apparently using a family member of the Polish barber, Aaron Kosminski, there is a match. They're saying that they...
So now, but they still have to go away. They have to verify everything again.
So it is still not permanent. It is not yet the...
Can I be an asshole real quick? Every day. Alright, so he killed sex workers, right? Yeah.
What if he was the guy before? What do you mean? What if, like, she worked with him earlier that evening and he came on her scarf, and then, like, later on that night, she got killed by someone else. The only thing that it seems to attach it to

is the fact that Aaron Kominsky...

Aaron Kominsky being there at all

would be massive.

Him because he's Polish.

Well, no.

What's he doing there?

Well, it's because of the way he...

He has all the attributes.

So we think that he was mentally ill.

They suffered from signs of schizophrenia.

They said they had auditory and visual hallucinations. Like most of the people in my family.

Of course, but that's just because they're super creative.

And then Aaron Kosminski

was a barber

surgeon. So

if anybody had any butcher,

so he had all these skill sets to cut

and divide, which is exactly what happened

to all of these. So it was a mixture

of both surgical cuts and

raw animalistic cuts on all of the

victims. So a mixture of these two things kind of fighting inside of somebody.
And he had both. He then was locked up in an insane asylum in which he died.
And when he was locked up, the Jack the Ripper crime stopped. Okay.
And so that is the main why we think it's him. And now they're saying that we are one step closer to naming Aaron Kosminski.
He will be Jack the Ripper. Eventually, Jack the Ripper will disappear and will only be Aaron Kosminski.
It's crazy how it's like two Johnny Depp movies came together. Sweeney Todd and From Hell.
To be the real thing.

The real thing. But there are other, I looked up

other Polish serial killers. There's really

not many. No, of course not.

There's George Chapman, there's Wadislaw.

Because he got caught after the first one.

I mean, they're always killed. They're like, it's, the problem is

is that, I killed her!

I did it! When you stab a bunch of

tricks, or you stab a bunch of Cheerios,

you leave a lot of mess. I get it! You know what I'm saying.
Serial killer. I'm here Polish.
I love it. We're being dumb here.
We're allowed. We're allowed.
Josef Zarkuskysk, which was the Zarkuskysk family, was a family of Polish murderers, which honestly sounds great, but at most they did it for robbery. They murdered other families.
Honestly, this sounds like an amazing story.

Yeah. We should do this story.
Wow.

Quick Wikipedia search. Really just

found a new three-part

LPN. Yeah, Kazimierz

Polis, Polis serial killer,

pedophile, killed two young boys and an adult

man, so not a gold star pedophile.

No.

That's a problem. I fucking...

Judgment on you. And so it looks like if it all, you know, fingers crossed, if this all comes out, if the tests come out right, Jack the Ripper will be Polish, which is the biggest get that the Polish community has had since vegan kielbasa.
Yeah, we haven't had... Is there vegan kielbasa? Unfortunately, yes.
But you know where it's really good? What the hell is the name of this restaurant? The vegans place? Apteka. That's where you got to go.
It's a vegan Polish place in Pittsburgh called Apteka. Really? It's amazing.
Interesting. It's super delicious.
Vegan Polish food. It's really, really good.
I just don't know if I could make the choice to eat vegan Polish food when you can eat normal Polish food. There's absolutely no reason to.
And it's really fucking stupid. I don't know why they did it.
But it's a big debt for Polish people. Yeah, well, pierogies are vegan.
No, they are absolutely not. What do you mean they're not? They're not.
They're eggs sometimes in the dough for the noodle. That's right.
You've got all the stuff in there. It's not necessarily vegan.
When you're cooking it, you'd have to do it in a vegetable broth. Yeah, because exactly.
And then the potato, you got cheese in there. They're not traditionally vegan.
And so I, you know, you know, but it's good for us. It's good for optics.
This is good for Polish optics. Yeah, yeah.
Now that, you know, we seem worse. Somehow.
At least before we were murderers. No, I'm saying the vegan Polish food is good for optics.
Oh, it's going to keep them alive. Yes.
I'm saying that, no, Jack the Ripper being Polish just is fun. Yeah, I think the vegan Polish restaurant would do better if they didn't tell people it was vegan.
Well, they have to. They say healthy Polish food.
If you don't. And it's like, remember the Chris Farley commercial when they switched the coffee to the crystals? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you think is going to happen in Pittsburgh? If you lie to a Yinzer about the food he just ate is vegan, he's going to fucking shoot you in the head. Man, I got to say, I've been watching the show The Pit.
I've been loving it. I really do love this show.
Is that the show where you just sit in the shower and watch little boys wash each other? Is that that show? I'm so glad I got that waterproof case for my phone. No, but The Pit, the new hospital procedure show, it's just like, I don't like hospital procedure shows.
No. I watched it.
I was like, I'll just put it on for the hell of it. Blew my mind.
I fucking cried twice. What the fuck? It's unbelievable.
Are you using a commercial for The Pit? I talked to my doctor friends about the pit. I was like, is this real? And they're like, apparently it's like the most accurate doctor show that's ever existed.
But there's no yins. And it all takes place in Pittsburgh.
Oh, yeah. And no one's yinning it up.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's not real.
It's like very accurate as far as an emergency room goes. But not to the environment.
But there isn't one yin in the fucking show. If you met a Pittsburgh nurse.
Especially in the fucking ER. Like the people coming through.
My mother-in-law is a Pittsburgh nurse. Yeah.
And that yin's accent is so strong. You guys would.
If you met a Pittsburgh nurse, you wouldn't understand her English. Yeah.
That's how thick her Pittsburgh accent is.

You would not, it would be like you're in a foreign country.

That is the rural heart of Pittsburgh.

And that's the working person's accent.

Yeah, they should have just put it somewhere where people don't have strong accents, you

know?

Because it was like, you know, Chicago Hope worked out.

I guess Chicago even hasn't.

But this is like...

Yeah, but Chicago accent's very rare.

I feel like the Chicago accent, I only even really hear from a big fat piece of shit. Yeah.
You know what I mean? It's always someone to get the fuck away from me type of thing. But not in a bad way.
I don't even mean that as an. You stepped on my shoes.
I don't mean that as an insult. Yeah, no, no, no.
That's just a type of guy. It's just a fact.
In Chicago. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We know this. Yeah, but I think.
Yeah, no, I love the show. I think it's great, but I'm just mad about the lack of yins.
Well, I will say that not only Eddie, I'm so glad that Eddie told me he's into medical dramas, he also showed me another really sad fact is that right before the show, we were talking about how cool we used to be and how much fun we used to have. And Eddie brought up the only way he's allowed to enjoy things with sugar now is that he has to get flavored kefir from the store and then he just puts a spoon of it in his mouth at night and he just lets it sit in his mouth that's how I do it and it keeps me from eating a fucking little demi cake I think we're the sad the saddest.
Yeah, I know. That's what happened.
That's your 40s, man. If you're younger, enjoy it.
I actively eat seeds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Chia seeds every morning.
Every morning. Every morning.
I hate it. The day it does something good to me, I don't think it's stuck in my teeth.
I don't feel any different. Why am I eating bird seed? I feel no different.
I don't know. They said the same thing.
I'm just doing it. they tell me to.
I'm doing it because you're doing it. Yeah, the probiotic seed pills also.
Same, because you're doing it. I'm taking it.
I feel no different. Also, it's like, but at the same time, I was consistently feeling worse.
See, this is nice. And now I'm not feeling worse.
The calming is here for both of us. And to remember...
Sometimes you need probiotics.

Yes, you do.

Yeah, just take them.

Eat your keef.

And sometimes

you have to trust the goat.

Because the goat

is in the field.

Yeah.

And its cheese is, you know,

slightly healthier.

Sure.

And the goat,

he wouldn't do anything

to hurt you.

Nah.

Nah. Woody.
Nah. Now I'm getting angry again.
There we go. All right.
We got more updates. Yes, yes.
More updates. We are in zizness, folks.
Yeah, we are. We are in zizness and Zizness is good.
The Ziz. I'm going to start calling that's what I want.
That's it now. Can we write a musical that's based off of The Wiz but it's all about Zizs and it's called The Ziz? Cut this out.
We have to write this out. We just lost a million dollars.
Wait a second. The Wiz songs.
It's like my favorite Wiz song is the, oh, the, who was the good one? The Wiz song? Oh, yeah. The really good song.
There's a, ease on down, ease on down the road. Yeah.
We're going to ease on down, ease on down the road. I can definitely see Ziz doing that.
Ziz. Yeah, man.
Hey, how you doing? It's me. I'm the Ziz.
The Ziz has been caught. We did not know that the Ziz could be caught, but the Ziz is contained.
Jack Lasota, the dead name of Ziz, has been arrested finally. Now, this is...
Oh, my God. I thought of another good one.

You remember the show Oz?

The prison show?

Yeah.

This could be the Zizzard of Oz,

and he could follow them in prison.

We're going to make a lot of money off of these people.

I can't wait to.

We're going to drain this.

We're going to drain this fucking content gulch.

So here we go. This is the cult.

So we've been covering this over the last couple weeks.

This group, they call themselves the Zizians, it seems like. It is a group of somehow connected young students that are either in the biomechanical, biomedical sphere, slash computer programming, and then also in the world of AI.
they have formed this sort of

death cult in which the majority

of the members are trans and

they don't believe in private property. They also believe in this concept of Roko's Basilisk, this idea that they are going to help AI take over and work with AI because they believe that once AI becomes sentient and becomes our overlords, they will go back in time.
They will be peaceful and filled with wisdom, but they will go back in time and destroy anybody that was ever against AI. And so Ziz wants to get ahead of that by joining forces with the AI.
But again, we talked about this last week. If we listen to some of our tech leaders, I think AI is a bit off.
Yes. I think we got some time before we're going to get there.
But now, so Jack sort of finally got arrested. 33 years old.
They've been charged with trespass, having a gun in a vehicle and obstructing and hindering all misdemeanors. Now this is in Allegheny.
This is down. Oh, this is Pittsburgh.
Yeah. Oh, Western Maryland.
This is now Western Maryland. They're in Maryland.
And so now they're all in jail. And here's the list of the crew we got.
Here is the fucking

this group of

fucking absolutely

no bail. No bail.

No bail for the Ziz's. Because now they're

trying to figure out what to do with them. This is the people that

have been arrested since 2019. We have

Jack Lasota, Alexander Lethem,

Emma Barhonian, and

Gwen Danielson, Maximilian

Snyder, and Teresa

Youngblood. They have all been involved in

so far

I'm sorry. Emma Barhonian and Gwen Danielson, Maximilian Snyder, and Teresa Youngblood.
They have all been involved in, so far, a murder of a landlord, which is why we're all like, it's sad for us. Yeah.
Murder of a border agent. Yes.
We have the murder of two separate parents, and it looks like the murder of two other people as well that were connected to the families of these people. Ziz has been ordering them to break away from their families, do this thing called non-hemispheric sleep or one hemispheric sleep where they let one side of their brain sleep and let the other side of their brain sleep and they believe they can split into two different personalities.
It's gobbledygook. We went through their manifesto.
It's absolute horseshit. They're wrong.
And honestly, I think if the AI was real, he wouldn't choose you, Ziz. I think that unironically, he would choose me.
Yeah. So I'm sorry, Ziz.
They're going to come for somebody. I think that we're going to be the hardest ones to channel.
I don't think that the AI is going to have problems with deaning people working on programming and biomechanical engineering and all that stuff. I think the AI is going to have that handled.
I think the AI is going to need comedians. Yes, because we still write better jokes than AI.
Still. It's still the main thing that we still got.
Their emails are pretty good, though, AI. AI can write the fuck out of an email.
Eddie, re-look at the email. I mean, I don't use it.
You don't, but I will say, again,

I tried because I was like,

you know, like I went through a whole thing.

You have to re-read the email

after you have it right. Because

once you write

the email and then you have chat GBT go through

all this shit, whatever, kind of fix it or whatever,

they're always wrong. Chat GBT

is an idiot. Also, it's just like, if you have to re-read it reread it, in that time, you could have just written it.
Yes, except for Grammarly. Grammarly is good.
I honestly... Are they a sponsor? They are.
Oh, okay. But Grammarly's different than ChatGPT.
Grammarly is one of the most intuitive, incredible sentence-building programs that you can have. And I couldn't move if I didn't have Grammarly.
I would be so paralyzed, I probably would commit suicide. So thanks, Grammarly.
That's a free one! Take it off the fucking budget. That's one good one.

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Rules and restrictions may apply. Obviously, now we're going to find out what's going to go on.
I imagine that Ziz is going to, the Ziz, is going to talk a lot from jail. I think that they're going to use this opportunity to really broadcast their message.
And we're going to see how that works, because the problem, again, which I'll that if they're there they're using this very complicated barrier to entry using this kind of absolutely nonsensical manifesto and a mishmash of different philosophical ideas why don't they have AI write the manifesto yeah if you care about AI so much let it write the manifesto This is why I don't they have AI write the manifesto? Yeah. Yeah, that's, I mean, like, if you care about AI so much, let it write the manifesto.
This is why I don't think they're real. Hey, chat GBT, could you write me a manifesto? You got it, sir.
Yep. Not long enough.
Actually, can we get the druids in there? You didn't list Amy Schumer as an influence. Could you go back and remember that? I'll always remember that.
But you know why I also don't believe them? They really work for the AI is that oddly enough, I think that I'd expect them to be dumpier. I kind of expected them to be what you're saying, which is like, if you're a real AI-led cult, this is how you've led the cult.
It's like this. Just put the laptop on your upper belly, just, yes, actually, tell them I have to have sex with their wives.
Tell them I have to have sex with their children. Like, that's what a true AI-led cult would be.
But we're going to find out exactly more. They're probably going to try to explain more what their rationalist movement is and what rationalism is.
And in that moment, they'll put us all so thoroughly to sleep. We'll finally get rest.
This one guy looks like you found in a river. Who? The guy with the glasses.
What do you think? You think that looks like me? I said if you were found in a river. That's a Middle Eastern man.
You know, I'm just saying. That's a Middle Eastern man.
Is he? Whose mustache does not connect to his goatee. Yeah, well, you know, the river ran a bunch of it off.
He looks nothing like me, you piece of shit. I said if you were, like, disformed by a river.
Then it's not me. Yeah, it's not you.
It's not me yet. It wasn't an insult.
Not yet. It's an insult to him.
Let's do this. Let's move on.
Alright, my number one story of the week. Oh, yeah, this is a good one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tastes like tradition.
Raccoon Dinner brings international fame to Ohio Lions Club. That's right.
Got this one from Cincinnati.com. Love you, Cincinnati.
But Cincinnati is not the host of the Raccoon Dinner. Oh, it didn't want it? It didn't want that honor? No, the Raccoon Dinner is in Danville, Ohio.
Okay, Danville, Ohio. Yes, so basically what it is is every year- Oh my God, these fucking people.
I'm looking at these pictures now. Yeah, they have a raccoon dinner for lots of people, and it's this year 600 people showed up to the raccoon dinner.
There's only 1,000 people in this town. Raccoon meat looks horrible.
You know, raccoon meat looks horrible. I was curious about how it was prepared.
Is it a stew? It looks like it's stewed. All right.
So, Rob, I sent you a video on a man preparing raccoon meat because I knew this was going to come up. It's like every worst person in Danville in Danville arrived.
All right. Well, this is some new Orleans raccoon.
That's different. I'll eat.
Why is it? That's different. Why? Hold it.
One second. Why is new Orleans raccoon meat so much different than Ohio? Because you know, they're going to put spices in it.
Raccoon meat in Ohio. It's, you know, they're not going to season it.
You know, new Orleans, they're seasoning it. Now, Kermit Ruffin's over at the Mother Law Lounge.
He cooks raccoon for every Super Bowl. That's different.
I will eat Kermit Ruffin's fucking raccoon. That's different.
Check out this fella. What's his name, Rob? He's great.
He's one of my favorite follows. This is BernardH14.
That's right. That's on TikTok, but on Instagram, it's something else.
I'll find it out for you guys. Check this out out, Henry.
Look at this guy. He made a bunch of raccoon.
Let's hear it. Oh, man.
I got me a nice bed of rice right here. I got my coon cooked down inside some gravy right here.
Look at that. There's some good eating right here.
Look at that. I'm going right in.
I ain't waiting for it. Yeah, baby.
Tell me you actually don't want this. Well, yeah.
Yes, sir. He could de-bone some of it.
No. Nice Nice intended.
It slides right off once you put it in your mouth. The bones are like horrific.
The bones are horrific on it. This guy's great.
He also cooks bear and shit like that. Got some yams right here.
Look at that. They put too much sugar in the yams, though, sometimes.
Oh, this guy's definitely not going to live forever. This is too much sugar in the yams.
You can see it's too much caramelization it's the only thing i'll the only thing i'll push back on he's putting diabetes in my yeah they like very sweet did he just mention diabetes a piece of cornbread yeah that's good eating right there it is good eating good country eating we got a corn we got the gravy we got some carrots in there we in there. Yeah.
We got a little potatoes cooked down inside there. I can listen to this guy talk forever.
And we got the cornbread. Yeah, there's something peaceful about it.
I get my hot sauce. That's all we need right there.
He's great. He fries snake and shit like that.
He's unbelievable. I've had snake.
It's boring and gross. Well, this is a boa constrictor.
He'll lower. He's got this giant fryer that's bigger than this table.
It's awesome. He has a crank, and he'll lower an entire snake into it.
That's my fucking dream. And also, he'll smoke full bear legs and shit like that.
This guy's great. Whoa.
See, still, I mean, I have had steak. It's weird.
That big? No. But I don't know if all the snake meat is different.
I bet it is. Side stories, lpotl at gmail.com.
Yeah, every cat tastes differently. I know that much.
So, tickets for the event were $15 for adults. Thanks for letting me just have that.
Yep, I just had to go. $8 for children, less than $12.
So, if you're over $12, you've got to pay full price for the raccoon dinner. Sorry.
The feast included mashed potatoes, green beans, cornbread, and a drink and dessert, and, of course, a generous helping of roasted raccoon. If you did not like the raccoon, you could eat ham.
This sounds great. Boy, you a fucking bitch.
Look at this fat piece of shit. This guy is wearing a raccoon on his head.
He's got a raccoon hat. He's got a raccoon shirt.
He's shoveling it in his mouth. I love when people love something so much, but they still want to kill and eat it.
It's so bizarre to me. I am a perverse.
I'm a full meat pervert. I'm a food pervert.
I'm totally fine to eat, whatever this kind of stuff. I do love piggies.
I do like pigs, but it's like I will eat anything. I will eat raccoon.
I have no issues with eating this raccoon. I do wish they debone it a bit.
I think that if you took it off the bone, I'd like it a little bit more. Well, when's the last time you had goat? I like goat.
But goat's on the bone. It'll have pieces of bone in it.
You gotta be careful when you eat the goat, because that little bone, it can slide down your throat, and it can cause a defection inside your your esophagus and then you'll die of sepsis. You're making me afraid.
I'm just saying that. I've seen that happen before.
I am afraid. But no, I've had goat, but why is goat different to me? Because it's bigger and it's got four legs where there's something about a raccoon.
It's the size of Carmi. I just hate that they're eating raccoon that's not really seasoned.
Well, they're just sucking on the spine. Why is he sucking on the spine like that? I mean, I would do that with any animal I eat.
Yeah, you know what's funny is that, yeah, it's just the man behind it, because I've done this. Remember with the Brooklyn Star where they serve the pigtails? Yeah, those are so good.
Little piggy chicken wings. And they were like pig chicken wings.
They were the pig's actual tails and you just suck all

the meat out of little rings.

Okay.

Yeah.

See, actually, I'm kind of getting turned on now.

Yeah, so this event's been around

for since I think

the 50s and they've been doing

it forever. They served

over 500 pounds of raccoon

meat, which

basically, it's about

750 meals or about raccoons. I think it's 379 raccoons to make 750 meals.
I don't even know where you... That motherfucker ate one whole one.
The scariest town to be a raccoon in. Yeah, dude.
Ohio, I mean, shout out to Travis Irvine, who's made multiple raccoon-themed films in Ohio. That's true.
Between Travis, your wife, who's a big, and this is like, does your wife never eat? No, no, she doesn't eat raccoon, unfortunately. Would she eat raccoon? I think if I tried to talk her into it, she'd take a bite.
But I would say, so look at this. The meat, they say, is free range because raccoons eat fruit, nuts, corn, fish, frogs, insects, bird aids, and rodents.
It's a fucking raccoon. They eat trash's free range.
Yeah, it is free.

I mean, they don't really have a home.

And I will say another thing about raccoons.

But we eat oysters.

They eat trash.

They live their bottom feeders.

But a lot of those things.

Yeah, it's very different.

I think an oyster's grosser than a raccoon.

No way.

I've never looked at an oyster and been like, that's a good boy.

No, you wouldn't.

I would need it. This is the thing.
An oyster, a lot of times it's like it'll either be farmed or it'll be in a specific part of the world. It is oyster areas.
So it is cleaner for the oyster. These are quote-unquote free-range raccoons or just the raccoons you see in the street of Danville, Ohio.
It's just a raccoon. There's no caged raised cat raccoon.
There's no farm raised raccoon. There is only free range raccoon.
Yes. No.
It's interesting. I want to know where they got all these raccoons from.
Besides rats, it's the most free range thing that exists. Well, a lot of people think it's a marsupial.
A lot of people think a raccoon is a rodent, but the truth is

they're closer related to bears than anything else.

Sure. And I've heard bear meat is not

particularly very good either.

Well, we'd have to talk to our boy who's smoking it down

in New Orleans.

I was curious about bear meat once

and I got a lot of messages talking about bear

meat and it's very greasy.

Oh, yeah. And they say that this is greasy as well.

They've been preparing

Raccoon as an art for

the members of the Dansville Lions Club

for over 82

years. I'd like to...
Now, I

don't want to be in that room with this

man, the man that is in the picture of this.

I don't want to be with him. There's a lot

of MAGA hats in the room, too.

Oh, no, it is definitely a comfort.

This is a very... This is a safe space for

MAGA. Yeah.
I just don't want

to... I don't want to be in that room, too.
Oh, no, it is definitely a comfort. This is a very, this is a safe space for MAGA.
Yeah. I just don't want to, I don't want to be in that room, but I would eat that raccoon, yeah.
One of the cooks, Sandy Crow, said, I was asked if I wanted to make four pies for the dinner or if I wanted to cook raccoon, so I started cooking raccoon because I don't like to make pies. What I prefer is the hunting down of a trash animal.
I like to go out there myself. I take some tuna and I put it in a can on a string and I bring a hammer and I entice him with a hammer and then I hit him in the head.
I hit him in the head with the hammer and I hit him and I smash their brains. And it's so much better than figuring out dough.
So they take the prepared, It is how they cook it in Danville. Not how our boy cooks it.
They take the raccoons that are dressed and processed. Like a sweater and sweatpants? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they soak them in salt water for a day. Oh, so they brine them.
They brine them. And then they say that no spices are needed during cooking.
Just onions. That is the most Ohio gross shit I have ever fucking heard.
Get your shit together. Get your fucking shit together.
Smoked paprika, fucking garlic, black pepper. You want to have, I would say, coriander might be good in there.
Some cumin, chili powder. Mix it all together in a rub.
You're going to want to brine it. You're going to want to rub it.
And you're going to want to braise it. Then you brown it.
Then you braise that shit with some nice. You see, then I feel like we're in a territory that I'm in.
Now I'm eating it. Because this sounds good.
You could throw some ochre in there. You could throw corn and stuff in there.
Oh, there's corn. And then you slap that shit in a big old bucket and you let that rock for four hours.
Oh, we'll eat that shit in a second. Exactly.
But these guys are fucking morons. They're just boiling raccoon with onions.
You're just killing and essentially burning them at the stake. You're just like killing raccoons.
It's very sad. It's very, very sad.
Is it sad? The way they catch them is sad. How do they catch them? They just let dogs chase them and they corner them and then they just basically eat them alive.
So they're contaminated by dogs? That's how they do it, yeah. Can I say, though? It's not fun.
They have raccoon traps. Guys, that's fun for the dogs.
So somebody's having fun. Okay, it's fun for the dogs.
The raccoons, they don't know what's going on because it does seem to sort of be like one of those Night of the Long Knives that happened to the Jewish people during the rise of the Nazis where all of these raccoons are just hanging out one day just acting like everything's fine and the next day all of a sudden it's culling season because we've got to kill 179 of you to feed Randy's fat ass. And he has no idea.
And then all of a sudden you got the fucking SS showing up. So the dogs, ass turncoats, were like, oh, fear of making you squeak.
Oh, what about, what if it was farmed meat? Would you feel better about that? Yeah. A little bit.
If there was a raccoon farm somewhere. I'm down for animals raised for food that are used as food and treated well to be.
But isn't

it better to go hunt

for your food? Yes, but those animals

you know which you're eating, raccoons eat liquid shit.

Only if they're healthy.

That's what I'm saying. I would prefer to have a raccoon

be in a place where, no, we know

what it's eating. Yeah.
And then you

could fill it with all sorts of stuff, and then eventually you could

start feeding it butter and

spices, and you could fatten up its little organs, and then we could make some raccoon pate, which I've never seen. Oh, God, Rob.
Oh, it's this little face. It looks like Carmy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
It looks like fucking Wendy. It's kind of like your kitchen, too.
It's how they do it, though. Yeah.
I get it. You you gotta boil the whole thing.
Again, though, I'll eat it as soon as it's out.

Yeah. This thing,

they said that

it actually started out as a prank

the whole party. Oh, I bet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet, sure.
Because it's, again,

it's a, we're cosplaying

what poor people had to eat. We're eating

it for fun because they had to eat it.

Now we're eating it because we've decided that it's fun.

And then these guys like it even better

because it harkens back to a time period

in which black people couldn't vote. Well, back

Thank you. They're eating it for fun because they had to eat it.
Now we're eating it because we've decided it's fun. And then these guys like it even better because it harkens back to a time period in which black people couldn't vote.
Well, back in 1939, Clyde Bamberry offered to cook a meal for the club. When they all arrived, they realized he was feeding them raccoon.
The friends all played along, ate their raccoon, and discovered that they actually liked it. Hey, you know, and that's the last time anyone in Ohio's ever been open-minded.
They're quoted in saying, They all thought it was the coolest thing that ever happened. When the next year rolled around, they all got the idea to just go ahead and do it again.
And the raccoons are like, What in the living fuck is happening? This went from Shangri-La to Auschwitz. Yeah.
This was our our home yeah this is our place and now we are hunted for our flesh 82 years strong hey danville ohio lions club they love it you know what and you know what i'll say is in the name of the ziz in the name of there's like a lot of people going on we need more awareness and stuff stuff. I feel like what we should do is, let's flip the script.
Let's get LGBTQ raccoon boil. That's what we need to equalize the forces here.
If you guys really want to really play games here in the United States of America, if you want to be a part of the big team, you've got to start going to the people. And I think that if we get the LGBT crowd to get into eating raccoon, we take it from them.

Yes.

They decided one day to make it a fundraiser.

And then they're like, oh, and then it started getting even bigger. And so they put it in the high school cafeteria.

And they were cooking the raccoon in the high school cafeteria.

But then it outgrew the high school cafeteria.

And so they had to move it again to the St. Luke's Community Center across the street from the high school, and they made it a fundraiser.
But it does not say where the funds go. Yeah, because I feel like it's some guy who shows up and you're like, oh, you guys are cooking raccoon? Yeah.
Just so excited about it. My God.
Yeah. Well, you know, again, I feel that there's nothing wrong with eating raccoon.
There's a lot of people that do it. It probably speaks a lot to your demographic as a human being, which I say, let's flip it for them.
More spices, though. Yeah.
Wow. Because, yeah, she'd like to make pies.
I cook raccoon for probably 30 years. Yep.
That's right. Well, God, at least it's not the Danville Lions Club, but at least it's not the Danville Raccoons Club.
Because they would be shit out of luck. Alright, so we have a couple of stories about consequences.
Oh, nice. Now, this one, I just think is, obviously this is a tragedy and this is a crime.
And there's nothing funny about this story. Alright, I'll try not to laugh.
There's nothing funny about it and I refuse to let you laugh. Okay.
Or me. All right.
I will be stone-faced. Now, Louisville is a fun town.
No, no, there's nothing funny about it. Nothing funny about it.
Louisville they're facing through the man. He's a business owner.
He's facing several charges after allegedly kidnapping and beating a shoplifter who stole vape pens. Okay.
This is in the Algonquin neighborhood of Louisville. Now, I don't think shoplifting is that big of a crime.
Yeah. I think that obviously comes from a lot of systemic issues.
Yes. And it's just money.
It's just goods. A lot of it is, unless it's a small shop.
Yeah, which a vape store usually is. It is.
But it's vapes, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the owner of the vape store, Kashumakar Patel, he was in court this week because...
So he saw this guy. This guy took a box of vapes out of the store without paying for it.
So the man ran away on foot and Patel and several others of his staff gave chase. When they caught up to him, this is where it kind of went crazy.
So, you know, as a retail

person, when I worked in retail, we were told to go try to stop him. We never did.
And I will also say, if you currently work in retail and you all know, you all know this already, you let them go, you don't run after these people. There's no reason to.
You're not allowed to touch it. My buddy worked at Publix and he tackled someone stealing food and he got fired.
Yeah, as he should have, because also it's food. And then most of the time they're stealing it because they're hungry.

And so this guy,

because these are vapes, right? They're optional. So they caught up to the thief and Patel and his associates, they jumped out of the van and they pepper sprayed the victim in the face.
Now that's already a lot, right? Yeah. But then the guy started crawling away and they were like, no, you're not going to crawl away.
So they all started group stomping him. Right? So they all started group stomping him.
It was real bad. Right? It's bad.
Yeah. I mean, you know, you don't fuck around in these vape stores.
No, not in Louisville. Yeah.
And then it's really the final disgracement is the thing. So which I've never seen someone do.
And I've never heard of this before. They kept going.
So what they did was that they held the man down. And then Patel, the owner of the store, pulled the man's pants down and underwear.
Took the pepper spray. Spread the man's butt cheeks.
And sprayed the pepper spray into his anus. Right in the middle of Louisville streets? Right.
Fucking in the strike zone. Louisville strike zone.
Yeah. Right.
And it was bad. Of course.
They pulled him into a van. They took him to a garage where they beat him.
Whoa. With a piece of wood.
They kept going? Oh, yes. Over vapes? Oh, yes.
How many vapes was this? A box. One box of vapes.
I'm going to guess that one box is 12. Maybe.
Court records say the victim was then put back

in the van and then driven to the 1500

block of Lee Street where he was dropped off

like Bang Bros.

The victim called

his mother to pick him up

which is the saddest of all.

Said he had to call his mom to come get him

and then he was all fucked up.

Yeah, what does that even do to you when you

get pepper sprayed inside your anus? I believe it's called hot tush. And hot tush is one of the hardest, honestly, it is such a pandemic in this country.
Yeah. Because of how many people that believe that you can actually make your hands warmer by spraying your booty hole with pepper spray.
I have perennially cold hands. I have very cold hands.
I can't believe that this is the story out of Louisville after they had that horrible flood this week. Yep.
And like 11 people died. And this is.
Went right to the top of the news cycle. Top of the news cycle.
Just happened. Came out.
Yeah. So this is guy.
He's out there. I just think the idea of like, because now he's being held.
He's being held with complicity for kidnapping, assault, wanton endangerment. He's $75,000.
He did make his bond at $75,000. He sells vapes.
They've got a lot of disposable income. I guess that's just what it is.
It's like, nothing is worth this. This consequence, he went way.
Obviously, I think he overreacted. If he would have stole all the money out of the register, he should not have acted like this.
Again, I think that what he did was rash. And that's what he created.
I was sorry. I'm sorry.
There's nothing funny about it. No, no, no.
But I do think that the man, I mean, everyone learned that they definitely dropped the shoplifting charges. Oh, they did? So he's not getting charged with shoplifting? No, no, no.
Not after you get your booty hole pepper served. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think they're like, yeah, I think this is enough. You know what I would do if I was a police officer? I'd make him smoke the whole box.
That's what I would do, just like they did back in the day. Oh, oh, you want to steal vapes? Yeah.
You smoke every one of them. Well, here's an interesting way that someone else is dealing with shoplifting in a more responsible manner.
All right. A Michigan judge sentences Walmart shoplifters to wash cars in the parking lot.
It's not a bad idea. Yes.
And so this Michigan Walmart has had so many people steal from it that the prices are starting to go up. There's more security there.
They're even threatening to close the store completely. And it's not a big town, so they kind of need this Walmart.
Where Natalie's grandmother is in Michigan, that Walmart is the center of their life. Yes.
It is where everybody is. There is the Walmart, there's a McDonald's and Taco Bell, there's a one hotel, and there is a CVS, but that Walmart is where everyone goes.
It is extremely necessary to that town, sadly. Yes, no, we can't go back 50 years in a race.
Walmart is evil. It's over.
It's done with. We all know.
We're fucked with it. It's over.
We all know that it's evil. We already know they're making corporate nations.
That is going to be the next steps. Just understand that it's going to be Walmart nation.
You're going to be able to go choose which corporation you want to live in. It is going to happen.
Just know that. Well, I think there's a long way to go.
I'm just saying. That's their dream.
That's their dream. That's their, yes.
But so this judge, Jeffrey Clothier, what he's doing now is that people have been stealing from there so often, and he's under the opinion, there's a quote from him, I don't think everyone that steals is a bad person. Wow, I can't believe that.
Yeah, sometimes people are just down on their luck, but there's got to be consequences for when you break the law. So what he is doing is anyone who steals from this Walmart now has to wash cars for free, free car washes in the very same Walmart parking lot.

I think that that is sensible.

Yeah.

I think shoplifting is, again, what we said before, it's a systemic crime most of the time.

It is because people are hungry and broke.

Yeah.

Except when it's like they're stealing out of the Louis Vuitton store or whatever.

That's something else.

But yeah.

Even that, I don't give a fucking shit.

I care less about that.

Who could give a fucking shit?

It's overpriced bags and shit.

Who fucking cares?

Well, Walmart's become such a crazy place

that I don't know if we talked about this on the show recently,

but it was like a story presented to us,

but the employees at Walmart,

they've started testing this out,

are going to start wearing body cams

because they get beat up so much by the clientele.

Well, it's because also people go there

as a designated third space.

I'm going to start wearing body cams because they get beat up so much by the clientele. Well, it's because also people go there as a designated third space.
Like, people go there to go hang out, connect, do things that don't, quote-unquote, cost money, even though it's a private corporation and it's a store. And so what happens is that it does invite people that have nowhere else to go.
Especially when you're open 24 hours. Yes, so they have to, so these people that work at Walmart end up being like police officers slash mental health associates and selling you panties.
Yeah. I wish they'd sell me panties.
I was cut off. Yeah.
I was cut off three different stores. I never trust a store that sells jeans and lobster.
You know, it's just like, come on, pick a plane. Hey, except for Costco.
Costco's pure. I mean, apparently people still like Costco.
I got no reason to be there. Costco is pure.
Costco is good. Do you go to Costco? I go sometimes because Jackie's got a membership.
Oh, okay. So I'll piggyback with her and I'll go.
But largely I don't. It's just me and Julie.
I don't need Costco. You know what's nice? Paper You know what's nice? It's the paper towels.
Yeah. Well, I go to who gives a crap.
I get the natural bamboo towels, so I'm not contributing to them cutting down the rainforest. See, I hate the rainforest.
Oh, well, then you should get bounty. That's a part of what I've been doing.
You put a bounty on the rainforest with bounty. Normally what I do is I buy two things of bounty just to throw one out, and then I go outside and I chop a tree down.
Just because I hate them, because I'm jealous. They don't got to fucking work.
Well, Walmart's on board. They're providing water and supplies.
Thank you, Walmart! Oh, thank you, precious Walmart! Thank you for your gifts. But it's such a better thing than locking up people and ruining their lives.
And, you know, so it's one of those things. I'm really happy that this is, I think, feel like this is one of our first, like, positive news stories on this show.
Sort of. I wonder what the Diamond Lounge is going to be like at the Amex private prisons.
Do you think that if I get to Diamond, that I'll be able to be, like, I get extra rec time? I think you get a sushi. Yeah, I get a sushi bar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like at the Delta One.
Someone comes in. Someone offers us.
You're forced to eat the fresh sushi from the guy that they flew in from Japan who looks confused. Yeah.
Oh, so Clothier said he thinks it'll be humiliating to be out there washing cars if you see someone you know. And he thinks that'll be enough to keep people from stealing from the Walmart.
I think that it's also just fucking something about not putting people in jail. Because what do we know? On low-level crimes, this is just across the board.
They just commit more crimes. They get worse.
Always. You get into a fight in jail, and then you're fucked.
You're stuck in there for Lord knows how long after that. Yes.
And, like, you don't have a choice to get into the fight. No.
Like, someone just comes up and beats you up, and you're sticking up for yourself. And guess what happens if you don't? Then you get beat up more.
Yes. So it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Keep people out of jail in any way possible. So thank you, Judge Clothier.
I hope I'm saying your name right. I mean, God knows what else this guy's going to do, but he made one good decision.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The judge said that he's also going to go out there and wash cars with them.
Now, when does it turn into a sexual assault thing? When does it eventually become he shows up in a Speedo? When does he show his penis at a bunch of men? I think back to those fundraising car washes we used to do in high school with all the 15-year-old cheerleaders and stuff in bikinis washing the cars outside of the Einstein bagels. I look back and I'm like, we should not have been allowed to do that.

Eddie, you and I were raised in a very specific time period

where it seemed to be a little

bit more open. Yes.
Do you remember

American Beauty? Yes, I do remember

American Beauty. Do you remember how

inspirational American Beauty was?

The idea of this man

finally finding his joy again

because it was all about him having sex with the

17-year-old? Well, that and weed.

You're right. It was that.
And that's sadly was the... Shout out to Guy Pearce for dealing with Kevin Spacey's bullshit.
Yeah, getting his fucking ding-dong fucking man handle by the spaceman. Yeah, almost got pierced by the space.
God, you gotta be careful out there. Gotta keep your head swiveled.
Fucking, you gotta keep your head in a swivel on Hollywood,

and you gotta let these guys know it is an exit hole.

Unless, of course, it is an entrance hole,

and then you give them the green light.

But you gotta give them the green light.

That's the only way to do it.

Yeah, yeah, Kevin Spacey's in,

he's in a lot of, he's really sad, he's in a lot of debt.

Oh, yeah.

Poor guy.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Fly from your grave. Hello, yeah.
Poor guy. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
Live from your grave. Hello, Florida.
Your favorite son and biggest baby are coming home to bring you the laughs you deserve. Everyone likes to poke fun of the Florida man.
Everyone likes to use Florida as a punching bag whenever an alligator on meth eats an old person. It can happen anywhere.

As a famous Floridian baby, I feel your pain. So that's why I'm coming home to let you know it's okay to be who you are.

It's okay that the rest of America is scared of us.

It's okay that books are illegal in our schools.

It's okay whenever it gets cold that rains iguanas.

I'm here to support you.

So come on out.

March, I'll be in North Florida.

And in May, I'll be in South Florida and Orlando.

It's the Invasive Species Tour.

Ed Larson, me, is coming to Florida in March and May.

I'm coming to Jacksonville, Panama City, Tallahassee, Marco Island,

Dania Beach, Orlando, and Key West. So lock up your public subs and start singing the Miami Dolphins fight song because we're going to party like it's Florida, baby.
Tickets at eddytunes.com. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

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See Mint Mobile for details. Speaking of great news, Asteroid headed towards Earth.
Yes! It is currently up to 3.1%. Let's blow it up! It has increased three times since its discovery.
It has went from 1% to 2% to 3% Possible hitting us And what is interesting Which I found really interesting about this story Is the fact that Number one They can already tell where it might land If it does hit Really? It's awesome How is it a 3% chance of landing And they're like Illinois is fucked. How does that even make sense? The way it works is that it'll come on a lateral.
It'll come on some line. So it's about where, like, imagine the Earth's a goal like this.
I think that obviously I'm wrong. Side stories LPOTL at gmail.com.
But the way it seems to work is they can sort of know what plane it's on, but they don't know how far it's going to arc towards us. But they can know that it's going to go in this one area of where we're at.
So if it hits us, they're saying it's going to hit us somewhere in the equator, somewhere in the Indian Ocean, which is interesting. Oh, I also don't know if they're just lying to us to just make us feel better.
Just tell us it's in the middle. Well, I mean, what? It's a three in four chance that it hits the ocean.
Yes, and it's a city killer, but it's not a world ender. They're saying that it would be the equivalent of something like 50 megatons, 50 times the first atomic bomb.
Okay. But if it's the middle of the ocean, we won't experience it.
But like Indonesia would be fucked and Australia would be fucked. There might be some tsunamis.
Yeah. Tsunami activity, earthquake activity.
Yeah. But what I'd like to know, this is like one of those fun debate points for our audience.
Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. Is that the address?

Actually, sometimes I forget.

You know when you do something again and again and again?

You ever, like, go to hang out with somebody that you've known for, like, multiple decades, and then you, like... Jerry, right?

Yeah, and then you momentarily forget their name as you're going to fucking introduce them.

That's like an anxiety thing that happens to me sometimes.

But I'd like to know. Would you like to know the day that you die?

Like, would you like to know, like, the date?

If it's going to hit, and let's say it was going to end the world.

Yeah.

Do you want to know the date, or would you rather be suppressed?

I think I'd rather know the day the world's going to end than the day I have a heart attack.

Like, you'd rather a collective... If that makes any sense.
So you'd rather us all die. Yeah.
Well, not rather everyone die. I'm saying if I were to know the future, I'd rather it be a day that we're all going to die together rather than, like, you're going to have a heart attack on August 8th, 2085.
Because the thing about science, too, is that they're right, and they're, they're, they are, they're do their best to be correct, and they're constantly changing. That's the idea.
It's not a model. I mean, it was 2% last week, and now it's 3%, and they're like the Indian Ocean, and next week it's gonna be like, ah, it's gonna hit Africa.
Yeah, it's gonna be like New York. It's gonna slide in the fucking that guy's asshole.
When is this supposed to happen? What? When, when will this come? I think it's nine years. Nine years, Pretty close.
Nine years? Yeah, 2032. Seven years.
And so... I wonder, because remember, they had those.
There's like an AI now that can apparently tabulate the day that you will die. Using a bunch of, like, you can give it a bunch of things, you can give it a bunch of parameters, and it'll give you, like, a day that you'll die.
But just like that and just like this, they could be tirely wrong. Of course they would be wrong.
The only thing I'm afraid of is the thing of you find out the death day. And then you do the thing where you're like, Honey, I'm starting to learn the oboe.
And I can't do it with you here. I need full attention on the oboe.
You know what I mean? Like this is when you're going to end up trying, you're going to ruin your family. And then what happens if then the comment doesn't come? Well, you know what drives me crazy is also if we know when the world's going to end.
I think I'm talking myself out of wanting to know right now, but like if we know who's going to show up to work and then next thing you know there's no power for the last three days because no one's going to the fucking LADWP. And this is going to sound really unpopular to a lot of people, but I think, and this is just between me and Eddie here for a second, that's why we don't tell some of these people.
What we do is, no Rob, you didn't hear that. We don't tell some of the people.
Yeah, Rob, we have a strict schedule to release thes. Must continue to come out.
We don't tell certain sectors, right? Just simply for the fact that we are going to, all the rest of us are going to want to be able to watch TV. Yeah, because when I saw Deep Impact, one of the things that bothered me the most about that movie, I know it's not real, but of the things that bothered me uh the most about that

movie was that it was the day before the asteroid's about to hit and the fucking guy calls a cab yeah and he just picks him up yeah he's like i'm just getting off of work you know being like dude we're all gonna die soon yeah and he's just like i you will not make me go uptown yeah but if the asteroid does come i I know one thing. I don't want to miss a thing.
I want to make sure I see it. What I'm really afraid of is that, and we talked about this right before.
Thank you, Rob. By the way.
Because you reminded me of something. Let's just not tell Bruce Willis.
Oh my god. How lost will he get trying to find the...
I afraid if we tell Bruce Willis he's gonna blow up the moon instead I got it I see it every night Demi Moore comes in She's like, let's just get him a drill And we'll put him on a sound stage Listen, we'll just Let's just get him, let's think he's doing it Someone get him his harmonica him his harmonica. Someone get Bruce his harmonica.
He thinks he's on stage again. He's ready to go.
No, yes. Bruce, let's leave Bruce out of this.
Leave him alone. But you know who we're sending? Ben Affleck.
Definitely send an Affleck. I want him on the tip of the shuttle.
We're sending you, Ben Affleck. And a bunch of donkey.
And you know why we're doing it? Because of the way you treated J-Lo. Oh, come on.
I'm coming after you. He didn't sign up for all this.
You broke her heart. You broke her heart.
First I defended you, and now I can't believe I came to bat for you. J-Lo was ready to love you.
And you shit the fucking bed. And then how dare you go back to that straw woman, Jennifer Garner.
She seems nice. She does seem fine.
They have children together. Yeah, I mean, a lot of people do.
And all this diddy heat with J-Lo. Like, imagine that he's just sitting at home.
He's like, hold on. Who? What did you do? You gotta go.
What? This all happened during the juicy couture days? No! I gotta get out of here. Well, yeah, that's so, just so you know, I wonder, I want people to tell me what you think.
I think there's a lot of people that have to, I'd be kind of cool, in a way, if there was, like, this is the thing, is that the government wouldn't do it. They just gave everybody free power and did the thing at the time period for like five days.
You know, we're like, all right, we're just running the systems. Do you think they would empty the prisons or just lock the doors? Lock the doors, yeah.
Gas them, probably. They'll kill everybody in there.
You think so? Yeah, they're going to do a lot. That's the thing.
Because the guards aren't going to show up for work. In the end days, there's going to be a lot of bad stuff happening.
Yeah, because there's going to be no consequences. And that's also why.
Yeah. And it's also why people are doing bad things currently, because they think that what you do is that you spark the bad things to make the end times come.
Yeah. And we have a current, the next series that we're doing is all about that.
The idea of if the world won't end, what if we start the signs of the world ending on our own?

I mean, we've all talked about this before.

The world is not going to end.

We might end, but the world's going to be here.

This rock's going to keep on spinning.

Yeah, man.

And no memory.

Four billion years.

And you know what they said?

What I'll do is interesting.

You only need, I believe they said it's 150 people to re-spark humankind.

Sure.

So let's get to choosing now.

What are you talking about?

It was just two, Henry.

Adam and Eve.

Adam and Steve.

Yeah, baby.

Dave.

It's Jason.

Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, let me see you, Apple Adam.

See, this is a perfect time for this.

I want to see it.

This is a perfect time for this segment. So this is a perfect time.
Let's get to man corner. Yeah.
Yeah. Now, last week, we had two fucking bitches on the show.
Slop my tits. All right.
Woo. We had fucking two dirty bitches on the show.
We know who they are. Who's the bitch? Now available on the last podcast network.
They're the best. They're absolutely hilarious.
Kara Clank and my sister, Jackie Zabrowski, they're on our new show, Who's the Bitch? What's your sister's name? It's Bitchki for fucking McDumper. Sikuski.
Get your fucking ass. But what's funny here is that normally we get to talk abstractedly about women's bodies away from you.
Yeah. And we get to make a bunch of funny fake thoughts about it because we don't understand a lot about your biology and it's not really anybody's fault but ours.
It's just more fun to be wrong than right. It's just fun to be.
It's fun to say things that make people upset. It's fun.
That's our jobs. Right? Yeah.
But then we had two women on that then went ahead to make a bunch of say a bunch of stuff that made a bunch of ladies angry.

But they're not scientists.

But they're not scientists, no.

No, they're just fucking women like the rest of you.

But also, we have to say...

I don't know what's happening to my own personal body either.

Couldn't care less.

I don't know what's going on in the man's body.

I don't care what's going on here.

I got balls.

But I will say this.

We're going to say here at LPN,

don't drink while pregnant.

No.

Even though Kara and Jackie both, I believe, advised it. But don't drink while pregnant because many doctors wrote in and said don't.
Yes. Even a little bit.
Apparently not. We don't know.
But this is what doctors said. So this is us as men getting an opportunity to tell two women that they were wrong.

Fuck yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Right.

Yeah.

And this is the wildest factoid I got.

One in 25,000 women.

This is true.

Oh, yeah.

Very true.

They can get pregnant in their ass.

Yeah.

You can get duty pregnant.

You can get dookie dookie fucking faux shootie farty pregnant. Yeah, one out of 25,000 women.
They have a cloaca. Yeah, they got bird bodies.
So some women are born without, this is completely real, Rob. This was sent to us.
He's the look on your face shows you're like, you can't wait for the anticipatory emails that we're going to get. But I'm going to read this right now.
Yeah.

It is absolutely possible to get pregnant

from anal sex.

I know this because it happened to a roommate of mine.

We've all heard this fucking story.

He's at a Baptist

University in Oklahoma, early 2000s.

My roommate was raised mostly

out of the United States as one of many

children in a missionary family.

That religious community believed strongly

in abstaining from sex until marriage.

But she and her new boyfriend thought they found a loophole. Everybody does.
When she started dating in our sophomore year, she came waddling in one day to our dorm and said she needed to talk. She then told me that they didn't want to sin by having vaginal intercourse.

So they thought they would be safe if they had anal sex instead.

You're correct.

You're correct.

Maybe.

Not from SCDs or anything else, but you're correct.

You were not supposed to.

That was the right idea.

Nature's condom.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

It's more like nature's collection basket.

Because it goes right out. Right? So she had mixed feelings about her first sexual encounter, but ultimately enjoyed it.
Decided it was okay to continue to have exclusively anal sex. Now, that's a trooper.
Now, about a month and a half later, she started panicking because she hadn't had her period on time. She started taking pregnancy tests, and they back positive.
Naturally, she was freaked out, later recalling that I was really wet and excited her first time. When he pulled out, he said he made a runny mess.
All sperm need is to swim is a slick surface and they will keep swimming for up to five days. But also, apparently, it could slide down there.
But also, you could be born without the holes. Like, without the walls.
And so the cum can come through your butt walls. Into your pussy cavern.
There's only one way, though. It only can go one way.
I don't fucking know. You used to be a plumber.
I don't know anything about this. Well, I have no idea.
According to womenshealth.com, we asked two women on the show last week and they didn't know. And now we're left here sitting in the runny mess of their thoughts.
Yeah, we're mansplaining. You can get pregnant through your ass.
Women did this to us, though. Women put us, two women we know, put us as men into this scenario, having to roll back misinformation.
So it's a women's health magazine calls it a collocal malformation. It's cloacal.
Cloacal? It's a cloaca. Cloaca.
Cloaca. Aacal? Cloaca.
Cloacal? Cloacal. Whatever.
They're fucked up. Booty holes.
Which means she was born, but she didn't have a urethra, vagina, and anus. She just had one hole.
Wow, one big room. Yes.
Cloacal malformation. Birds have them, yes.
It's when the rectum, vagina, urinary tract, they don't separate, they collaborate. Yes, the condition is incredibly rare, occurring in about 1 in 25,000 female live births, which is more than I would have thought.
Yes. 25,000.
1 in 25,000 isn't really that, I mean, the and also what an amazing amazing opportunity to call somebody a butt baby it also only occurs in women we couldn't have just one hole oh yeah because then the cum can't go through our assholes back into our balls you can't fuck me hard enough in the ass that your cum will shoot into my balls. I think that is what women's health is saying.
It's usually diagnosed at birth and repaired right away so the baby has a separate urethra. Let me get my wrench.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's what happened in this woman's case.
However, something went very wrong. Either in the surgery was botched or its response to the trauma of the surgery, a body can be formed a fistula, an abnormal connection between organs.
It's a fistula. A fistula.
Thank you. I'm bad with pronunciation.
Yeah, fistula's my burlesque name. A uterus can become fused to a rectum in these situations.
So, every month when Aunt Flo comes to town, they have their period rectally. So, meanwhile, you know, this is the news.
Yikes.

This is the news.

You asked me.

You asked us.

We don't want to talk about this.

I think that we have to stop now because I think that that's as far as we know.

I think that we're stupid.

I think that when we brought women in here expecting them to be smarter, we found out that's not true.

And I think that that's one of the nicest things that we could have done for men. In terms of listening to this, we're trying to create a safe space for guys out here to listen to us talk.
Safe space for you guys, you boys. Oh, man.
That was man corner. We're over.
Yes, yes, yes. Oh, and there was one email we got about booty shorts.
Well, you want to read this because, again, this is a response to last week.

Jackie was saying she wanted to either get butt implants or one of the Brazilian butt lifts.

Or she wanted a—she was talking about padded pants.

And we had an argument kind of talking about, is it what—how much damage does that lie do to our sexual encounters?

And I actually don't know because this lady actually makes an interesting point.

Yeah, so it says, hey guys, I was listening to your episode with the girls from Who's the Bitch?

And I thought it was interesting that Jackie's suggestion, spelled wrong, by the way.

I actually think it's a more fun spelling.

It is.

And she should spell it that way.

Yeah.

Suggestion of being tricked or fooled by fake butts and boobs because that's something I

saw a lot on Reddit from the old incel board.

Oh, whatever.

That's not what we meant.

I mean, I think so.

Basically, a lot of incels complain that women change their appearance to fool men into sleeping

with them.

So they're against stuff like butt pads and makeup.

They're just, yeah, because they're losers.

That's the difference.

I'm just saying.

Yeah.

I'm just saying I want that big old butt.

Yes.

To play with.

Yes, for sure.

But I think what the crazy.

I'm a red-blooded man.

I would listen to the butt. I've listened to the butt's thoughts and the butt's opinions and all the butt's dreams and I'd spend time with the butt and treat the butt well and create a fucking safe environment for the butt so they said, as someone who personally loves looking like a slutty milf I just wanted to share that most of the women who I know who wear strong makeup and pads and stuff like that aren't doing it to attract men into sleeping with us.
I'm married, so when I go out with my husband, I just like looking like a hot slut. I'm Latina, so I don't wear butt pads, but I absolutely wear padded bras because who cares? The people who see me aren't going to see me naked, so why should I care if they feel deceived? I think you're entirely correct.
We're not talking about the men just feeling deceived, though. I think that you're right.
You're dressing for other women and you're dressing for yourself. But I'm not talking about the anger over the deception.
It's more just I'm wearing a big old butt. I want a big old floppy butt I can fucking have fun with and be around.
But usually, you know, you know I love you, so I don't care what you say. But usually when men have, like, those type of opinions, like, you can't wear this shit, it's a control thing.
Oh, of course. I know what you're saying.
I would never say you can't wear the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're just having feelings about the thing. Yes, yeah.

But it's also like,

you never see an attractive man complain about this.

No.

It's always like ugly dudes who can't get laid anyway.

They're almost looking for reasons to say like,

oh, I don't want to date that person

because she's ugly.

When she's obviously gorgeous.

We are talking about this enormous,

like a friendly idea,

banter back and forth,

not actual rage.

Men who experience this actual rage, which is real, are extremely dangerous and bad for it

and are mostly unfuckable.

Yeah, that is the problem.

And that's the thing.

A lot of these trad guys are going to get a really hard fucking awakening when they wake up and realize that

just because you want a trad wife doesn't mean a trad wife wants you.

Because it's a lot of work being a trad wife.

You got to live every day thinking about your husband.

We'll see you next time. Just because you want a trad wife doesn't mean a trad wife wants you.
Because it's a lot of work being a trad wife. You got to live every day thinking about your husband.
Wondering what my husband wants. Wondering if he's going to get his raw milk today.
And you have to love churning that raw milk for your butter. Every morning for your husband, you're going to make that fresh ass fucking fresh butter each morning.
And then you're going to laugh as you put arsenic in that butter. And then you're going to serve it to serve it to him in a big pile a big thing of toast you're gonna watch him as he fucking grips his belly and he falls over screaming in pain going what happened what happened what happened and you're gonna smile and you know and his last words are gonna be i can't believe it wasn't butter and it writes itself and it writes itself and then you get to go be a lesbian.
Yeah. Like you always wanted.
There was a... I did get a lot of people have been messaging me about my young vet hate talk.
First of all... I would like you to...
The things I say are... Everything I say on this show, unless I take a moment to...
Anything I say in this voice is a joke. Yes.
He is being funny. But we did receive many emails from young veterinarians saying that apparently, like, suicide's a big old thing within the veterinary community.
They all feel, like, unloved. They got to deal with a lot of psychopaths that have unreasonable demands, which I totally understand.
Oh, my God. The way people look at their dogs and treat these vets.
For full disclosure, my father-in-law owns his own family practice. This is where the feelings come from.
Yes. He owns his own practice, so I understand the family practice.
Lots of people hit me up like, Ed, you need to find a family practice. I know all about it.
It is the right move. I basically, where my thought comes from, I love a more experienced person.
And so a young vet, you become an old vet. And I think that during that process, you become better at it.
I think we became better comedians over the years. I think that stuff like that.
I think you will see more things that come. I think that now the vet community is in a lot of trouble.
We got companies like Chewy buying out fucking full practices from people. And then like,

also like vets used to prescribe the medicine.

Now people buy it for like for a quarter of the price from Chewy's.

And so the vets are losing money that way.

And no one wants to be.

My vet now integrated it into their,

like their thing.

Yeah,

no,

it's like a $5 charge now. If you want us to fill it, to fill it.
Because they're just filling out all the paperwork and doing more work for free. But also, I do understand that it costs a premium.
And I do understand that pets cannot tell you their feelings. They can't tell you what hurts and what goes on.
It's extremely difficult for them to figure it out. They got to look at it.
But they're also, you are looking at puppies' assholes all day. Yeah, no, it's a hard job being a vet.
I love every vet in the world you gave yourself to take care of animals. It just I thought it was obvious that vets are good people because they donated their lives to helping animals.
And so making fun of somebody who has done such a nice thing is comical to me. Yes, it is.
Yes, of course. Coming at a veterinarian for Eddie is coming at a group of people that you would think no one's attacking, so it's funny to attack them.
It's like making fun of firemen. Yes.
You know, it's just funny. It is funny to attack a vulnerable thing.
You have to understand that, guys. Is that when you're vulnerable, it's so fun to attack you.
No, we are really trying not to punch you. We think you could take it because you're doctors and it's difficult.
But thank you for your service. And we are listening.
And that is our, what I'd call, our half rollback. Yeah, well, also, I do want to say another thing about the whole thing.
Okay, please. These corporations are buying up these fucking vet offices and they're buying it

from the people who own family practices. And then they're hiring part time vets to come in

who are trained less, who these people work like two days a week and they don't they don't care

as much as a normal everyday vet and they're giving bad information. And so I think that

there is you need to go to a family owned vet. Do not go to one of these corporate places.
I think it's very important. I agree.
They will care more about your dog. They will take care of you.
And anyone in the people who will be coming at me, telling me that my dog should be dead. You are very rude.
And I have a family-owned vet that

I literally take pictures of shits

and text him. And he's like, that's

fine. Don't worry about it.
So they

don't worry. They're very well taken

care of. My dogs are so well taken care of.

They're extremely aggravating.

And I'm telling you this right now.

As his co-host and as a person

that is his best friend, I'd

call the police on him. Yes.
If I had

to, if I really felt that your dogs

were like

Thank you. As his co-host and as a person as his best friend, I'd call the police on him.
Yes.

If I had to, if I really felt that your dogs were, like, fucked, I'd say something.

Yes.

They're just very old.

They're very old.

They got hours to live.

Rambo is cognizant.

He's tails wagging.

Every time I see a vet, I'm like, you will tell me when I have to put this dog down. And every time they're like, it's looking all right for now.
And so like Tootsie just had a rough week and we got her in blood work. The vet was like, I don't know.
She doesn't look too good. Then we got the blood work and he's like, she's fine.
And then I sent the blood work to someone else. Like, yeah, she's fine.
Just like picky when she eats now. You know who that reminds me of? What? Bill Cosby.
Why is he fine? Still alive. He's like, why is he perfectly fine? Him and Tootsie, blind.
Fucking old. Do not loop Tootsie in with Bill Cosby.
Still walking around. She rejected his advances.
People refused to put him to sleep. Oh, Bill Cosby.
Oh, his tour's coming up. Great.
Oh, can we get tickets for that? There's a lot, there seems to be a lot available He's got a comeback working on it Good for him, wow, anybody can come back Wow Oh, right, oh no, foreclosure on his home Yeah, yeah, made me the money dried up Well, guys, what an episode of Side Stories Go to patreon.com slash lastpodcast on the left to give us money to watch us talk. And then we got a lot of bullshit on there, obviously, a lot of stuff.
And you can go see when you give money. You can see our live stream live.
You can join the chat. You can yell at us and scream at us.
That is on Tuesdays at 6 p.m. PST.
And then you go to last podcast left and buy tickets for our live show. We have so many coming up, and they are going to be wonderful.
Yes. We're going to be in Dallas on Saturday, so come check us out at the CU Theater in Grand Prairie, Texas.
That is right next to Dallas, but if you know what Dallas is, you know what Grand Prairie is, obviously. But we also have a lot of side story shows coming up.
We do. On March 16th, we're going to be in Huntsville, Alabama.
Come check us out there. That's going to be a lot of sun.
That's at the BBC Center. Honestly, if you're out there, that's going to be one of those that would be so, like, I've never been to Huntsville.
I have no idea what the fuck's in Huntsville. Please come out.
Send us some recommendations. And, like, we're going to have a blast.
We do a lot of crowd work. We have a lot of fun when we do this show.
It's going to be a blast. And then also on May 7th, we're going to be in Dania Beach at the Dania Beach Improv, which is Fort Lauderdale.
So make sure you get your tickets to that. That's going to be May 7th.
And then May 8th, we're going to be at the Funny Bone in Orlando. Yeah, we are, baby.
We're doing some real comedy clubs, Henry. We're going to have fun, man.
I'm very excited. I can't wait for this.
So come and join us join us And if you heckle We'll beat the shirt out of you Yeah no Cause we jump out on the stage And then of course There's always Crime Wave Which is gonna be in November Get your tickets Come to Crime Wave Lots of people got tickets already It's gonna be We're gonna have a lot of It's gonna be a fucking official Last podcast like meet up On this fucking bro You're gonna meet some new friends I mean it guys The people I like you come out if you can afford to come out to this fucking thing because it is going to be hilarious yeah we're going to have so much fun and is and someone's gonna die oh gotta come they have a morgue on the ship they got they told us they have a morgue on the ship they said that we could go do one of the cruise autopsies yeah yeah yeah they said that we could go in there they do them yeah they have an autopsy on the jail. They said that we could go do one of the crew's autopsies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They said that we could go in there.
They do them. They have an autopsy tech on there.
So we could go in there, and they said that we can go do it, and we can shoot the fucking, what is it, the stuff that you could see blood with? Oh, that stuff. Yeah, I don't know.
What's it called again? Oh, you shoot the cortisol. I don't know what you're even talking about.
Bloods. I don't know, but the show was ending and you brought it to a

screeching halt. Well, let's just stop

this. Because it's over.

Luminol!

Luminol!

Yes, you young vets.

They're all stealing all the Luminol. Did you know that?

The young vets? They're all

hoarding it. Yeah, I got you.

You fucked. You thought I was being nice.

I'm back, baby.

Get older! Let's end this. Let's end this fucking chat.
Spring's here. Flowers are blooming.
Birds are singing. And allergies? Yeah, they're back too.
Sneezing. Watery eyes.
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