*PREVIEW* Zhang Zhongchang, The Dogmeat General

In 1925, he is named the military governor of Shandong, his birth province.

And if you've ever heard any stories about Zheng, which some people, some listeners certainly have, this is from the era where you heard it.

Like every warlord in this era, he becomes a military governor, but is more like an absolute dictator of a place with a population of around a hundred million people.

He is the emperor of Shandong.

And signs of him being, let's say, interesting, kind of weird, were already popping up to the point that other people were beginning to notice.

First starters, his mother went with him everywhere, absolutely everywhere, to include the brothel.

This also included going to the front line, riding on the armored train alongside him.

So I think this is our first case of a battle exorcist

combat at close quarters ghost fighters.

I'm not really sure what to call this.

Yeah, this is interesting, isn't it?

Because it's like, this guy sounds tough as nails, but he's always got, he's like, I have my physical strength and my, you know, incredible money and weapons and hired all kinds of goons of every, every Far East ethnicity, but I've also got my mom with me who can cast spells on people.

Yeah.

My mom comes with me everywhere and watches me fucked.

Anybody who questions that gets shot in the face.

The world's most lethal, unsuccessful mama's boy.

If your mom can be there in the brothel to cast a spell so you don't get venereal disease and you don't have to wrap it up.

Yeah, it's true.

Once again, to continue the rap analogy,

he got his mama out of the hood.

You know, he's like, he's got money.

He's got power.

He bought him his shitty head.

He's called Cool J, who wrote a whole song about his mother telling him to knock people out.

Yeah.

There you go.

Cooljay, also a big guy, or at least a strong guy.

Yeah.

Not necessarily very tall, but strong, jacked, etc.

I don't think that man wore a single shirt until he was in his 40s.

Now, the other person always always at his side was a Taoist soothsayer.

Now, he believed in this soothsayer entirely, despite the fact, by all accounts, he was not that pious for any particular religion, but specifically just for this guy.

I have to point out here that this soothsayer was as much as a criminal as Zhang was.

He knew he was full of shit and actively had a small gang of peasants.

at his beck and call.

And whenever he told Zhang that the stars or whatever were telling him that an omen would happen or, you know, something good or something bad would happen, he would then deploy this gang of peasants out to make it happen.

And then, when word got back to the soothsayer, the soothsayer would be like, oh, see, I told you.

And Zhang was like, wow, you're so wise.

Thank you.

On one example, the soothsayers told Zhang not to worry about guarding his flank during a battle because any train that was bringing reinforcements in to his enemy would derail and kill the soldiers on board.

This did happen.

And it happened because the soothsayer deployed his peasants to rip up the tracks.

Yes.

Which is really weird.

Like fucking this guy is just like, ooh, the train will derail for no reason.

Meanwhile, he's there with a fucking like crowbar pulling up the fucking sleepers.

Which is funny to me because...

Why pretend to be a soothsayer when you're very obviously just really good at this?

You could just be some kind of officer in his weird military.

You don't have to say God made you do it or God did it.

You're actually kind of like bringing yourself down a peg by giving credit to the stars or whatever.

Well, obviously, like he believes in magic and witchcraft, you know, omens stuff because of his mom.

So it sort of feels like he's probably got a million goons who are good at making people swing pickaxes.

But if you can kind of sell yourself, you know, we're doing entrepreneurship.

We're doing like hustle culture for how to get yourself on the side of a Chinese warlord.

You, you know, like selling yourself is kind of like from the spiritual angle.

of that.

Most of these people, yeah, they can, they can do prophecies.

They can't send goons en route to fucking solve, to make prophecy real.

You know what I mean?

Yeah,

the soothsayers waking up and doing like a morning ritual video, like that guy with the ice bowl and the fucking banana peels, just sprinting really fast on the road in his robe and flip-flops.

On one side, he's got his mother who's a witch, and on the other side, he's got the MLM magician who's fucking like raping up railway lines.

Remember how I talked about how he just kind of used his army as a uniformed bandit squad stealing everything that wasn't nailed down?

And as long as he gets cut, it was fine.

Well, like I said, now he is the dictator of a province of about 100 million people.

And my God, did he steal?

He stole fucking everything.

He used the province's actual bank as his personal bank account.

He had long been addicted to gambling,

to this specific kind of game that was kind of like dominoes called Pai Gao, which for some reason had the nickname of eating dog meat, which in turn earned him the nickname the dog meat general.

Though I do have to point out, there's several other stories of how he possibly got this nickname.

One was that there was a specific Shandong regional liquor that he would just chug like it was water, but to everybody else, it tasted so bad they compared it to eating dog meat.

And then there's a third explanation, which I actually believe the most, and that is he ate the meat of a specific breed of dog, the Chow Chow, every single day because it made him fuck better.

And boy, did he fuck.

You're really emphatic in saying that, Joe.

I'm just going to say this.

I don't want to sound like I'm making light or disparaging or sort of exoticizing things, but I don't have any experience with Chinese warlords or mainland China for that matter.

But I do have a decent amount of experience with Hong Kong, Macau, and South Korea and friends who are from all over that region as well.

And I can say this: there simply is a culture in what we would call Far East, East Asia, of this food and/or animal part makes you fuck good.

Like in Korea, there's ginseng roots, among other kinds of roots that you go in the market, it's just like, oh, you'll fuck good.

Deer antler, you fuck good.

Lots of rare animal parts in Chinese traditional medicine, you fuck good.

There's just famously

dick soup as well.

I don't want to get into the weirder side of things because it just sounds like, oh, they're so strange.

But I'm just saying, like, culturally speaking, there is a tradition of this thing gives you plus 99 sex power.

And people just, yeah, they go with it.

Who's to say that grinding up endangered animals and smoking them doesn't make your dick hard?

I'm not the one to tell you not to do it.

That's probably the cops.

Yeah, yeah.

And or like the Siberian white tiger just eating you.

Yeah.

And you try to fucking take its nuts to make sex soup.

I am always on the side of the tiger in this situation.

Yeah, likewise.

What's funny is the tiger also believes that eating the guy, trying to eat his balls, makes him fuck good.

I mean, he probably

fucking good.

I was going to say,

like, you can only imagine that a tiger, when it eats an entire human, can then, you know, is powered up maximally and can, can go the tiger distance when it comes to however tigers get down.

I don't know.

It's best that we don't ask.

Yeah, I don't really want to know.

And speaking of the fucking, he had a brothel that went with him everywhere that had hundreds of women in it.

I'm not going to dwell on that one too much for the obvious implications there.

Yeah.

Bad stuff.

It would be funny, however, if there was just one dude, just in case.

Just in case.

He's like, I haven't used him yet, but I want to keep him around in case I'm ever really thirsty for it.

It's like the, you know, it's like having having the hired muscle and the witch and the tow as fucking like geologist or whatever.

This is my hired soothsayer.

This is my hired exorcist.

This is my hired bandit.

This is my twink.

I haven't had to use him yet.

If the stars alive, the mandate of heaven dictates that I have to fuck the twink.

That's why I've got it.

I don't want to be at 3 a.m.

trying to find a twink.

I've got to have close by, like a chain wallet.

You know, it's like I read, I read all about, you know, the sort of like the secrets of Clausewitz and Yeomanina's logistics, logistics, logistics.

All right.

That includes a twink.

Twink logistics are always very tricky.

Yeah, paragraph four of your off order has a subsection for twinks.

Oh, you got to always keep your professional bottom nearby just in case, just rising from the bed after huffing like powdered tiger balls is like to win this.

The soothsayer has told me, Bring me the bottom.

Yeah, this is like implying that, like, I don't know.

Did we find like old Chinese poppers in this situation?

Like, red deer hoof powders

in traditional meds.

They haven't even invented VCRs yet for me to huff things.

So I had to get it.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, I love the idea that that actually is true, that somebody figured out because they just happened to huff like, yeah, red deer hoof powder and it just made their asshole dilate.

snorting a line of red deer hoof powder and just like bring me the man assuming's like no it's really really good for cleaning my fucking daguerreotype place

i had to go to the finest gas station in shandong to get this It started out as powder to clean your fucking 1920s photographs.

Someone realized that it fucking also had it, that it loosened things up.

Everybody else is like, did you hear it really dilates the boss's boy ass?

So what's very funny about this is that Joe is completely heterosexual.

I've never used poppers.

So it's just like, in a way, like this, the fact that like we instantly all homed in on that, all three of us, it's just like, that's the nature of this.

I have been working with you for almost a decade now.

Everything I know is through osmosis.

And hey, you never know.

You got to keep it around.

Just like Zhang,

he wasn't sure when he was going to use the twink.

But

Joe, that kind of implies like someday you're just going to need to use poppers.

Like,

the sun's going to come up in a weird way and turn you gay for a day.

As the British military is established, it requires me to go to a very specific

range of latitudes.

Yeah, exactly.