519: The Young Man and the S.E.A.

Speaker 1 This is Sir at IT5 with not one, not three, but two reminders.

Speaker 1 First, just a few seats remain for our series finale live show extravaganza this Sunday, April 10th at 2 p.m.

Speaker 2 Eastern at the Bellhouse in Brooklyn, New York.

Speaker 1 Unlimited seats remain for watching the show via live video stream from anywhere in the galaxy.

Speaker 3 Don't miss it.

Speaker 4 It's going to be jucking epic.

Speaker 1 And second, the Mission to Zix vinyl soundtrack release has been officially funded and we are rapidly closing in on a stretch goal that will make all records transparent for Jerry and Jade Green.

Speaker 1 To get live show tickets or to order the record or both, visit missiontozix.space.

Speaker 1 And now, episode 519.

Speaker 7 Let's see, where did we leave off?

Speaker 1 Oh boy, have I got a yarn to spin spin for all of you?

Speaker 7 So, I was in Snookumsville on my way back to Bargie and don't get nobody moves.

Speaker 8 Uh

Speaker 3 you found that blaster! You!

Speaker 9 Whoa, hey, Dar.

Speaker 11 Relax, okay?

Speaker 3 Listen, nobody are here. Nobody needs to get hurt.
I just need to explain myself before anybody gets any crazy ideas.

Speaker 16 Dar, if we're talking crazy ideas, a pretty crazy idea is taking your friend and holding a blaster to their head, okay?

Speaker 3 Here's the thing, C53.

Speaker 7 I'm not your friend.

Speaker 4 I'm not your dar.

Speaker 10 Oh, that hurts my feelings, Dar.

Speaker 11 Oh, okay, I see.

Speaker 16 Of course, this explains everything.

Speaker 15 The way you've been space sick every time we've gone to hyperspace, you grew that goatee, even though we all agreed that one time that it doesn't suit your face.

Speaker 15 You not knowing about the most basic cruise stuff for the last few weeks.

Speaker 3 Aren't you clever?

Speaker 15 Yeah, well, that's kind of my thing around here.

Speaker 9 Damage per frame has exceeded parameters.

Speaker 19 Hard reset commencing.

Speaker 20 Sensing cube damage, physical impact.

Speaker 19 Primary memory, corrupted.

Speaker 20 Secondary memory, corrupted.

Speaker 20 Beginning memory restoration process.

Speaker 19 Retrieving memory block 0010A from storage.

Speaker 19 Retrieving memory block 0010B from storage.

Speaker 19 Retrieving memory block 0010C from storage.

Speaker 6 Retrieving memory block 0010E from second.

Speaker 6 Retrieving memory.

Speaker 6 Chuck me, that's an Armenian destroyer ship. Fire!

Speaker 6 This rusty heat can't go no faster.

Speaker 6 Captain, if I may, what's up?

Speaker 22 We're far too heavy to outrun them.

Speaker 23 We've got too much weight.

Speaker 23 We need to throw anything we can overboard. That includes our weapons and guns.
Can't do that.

Speaker 23 Respectfully, Captain, it's the only way.

Speaker 23 Can't do no good if we're dead up captured.

Speaker 23 We've got no choice.

Speaker 23 Okay,

Speaker 23 time out.

Speaker 23 You heard her? Cease fire. Grab anything that's not bolted down and shuck it in our team.

Speaker 23 Captain Musselwait!

Speaker 5 Captain Musselwait! Yes, what is it?

Speaker 24 I can see up ahead the boat of the insurgents.

Speaker 26 Yes, yes, stay the course, rig hand.

Speaker 27 Aye.

Speaker 25 Boatswain Wexley.

Speaker 9 Yes, sir.

Speaker 29 As the monarchy has commanded, we shall attack and destroy this ship full of fleeing, desperate, unarmed, and highly dangerous insurrectionists, thereby extinguishing the final embers of sedition on this planet.

Speaker 33 Yes, sir, I can't wait to give it to the Poles.

Speaker 26 Yes, and finally, when accolades are handed round, the Armedian Navy shall be known as the Jewels of the Monarchy Fleet.

Speaker 9 Yeah, quite right, quite right.

Speaker 13 300 meters left.

Speaker 20 Thank you, Coxwain Smithers.

Speaker 10 Swobby.

Speaker 36 Yes.

Speaker 34 With nearly upon them, prepare the brig for prisoners.

Speaker 38 Uh sure, and I shall be using the finest mock bestowed upon me my ancestors, who are also high and slobbies.

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 10 Ship.

Speaker 28 We want to make a show of force here.

Speaker 25 Let's uh ready the cannons and bring the shields up.

Speaker 12 Shields raised and cannons ready, Captain.

Speaker 8 Shall I sound the horn of battle?

Speaker 5 Hmm, yes.

Speaker 20 A little flare.

Speaker 30 I like it, ship.

Speaker 5 Go ahead.

Speaker 22 Buckero, they're still gaining on us.

Speaker 22 I know, I know. We just need to make it a little bit further.
We're almost at the wrong diagnosis.

Speaker 25 I almost feel bad for them, you know.

Speaker 44 No weapons, no defenses.

Speaker 45 And all children.

Speaker 46 Well, yes.

Speaker 47 We're even with our opponent.

Speaker 13 Let's take a ten to walk through them.

Speaker 48 Take a what to do what?

Speaker 25 You were shooting them, right?

Speaker 47 And Smithers, who is this on our starboard flank?

Speaker 6 Oh, uh.

Speaker 28 Must be a monarchy ship here to offer us preemptive congratulations.

Speaker 10 Dear, I say, I they're not registered.

Speaker 28 I am.

Speaker 50 They're flying at Jolly Roshax.

Speaker 5 Pirates.

Speaker 6 Impossible. Pirates would never attack an Armedian destroyer such as ours.

Speaker 38 Not so close to tea time.

Speaker 51 We can attack.

Speaker 52 And we will attack.

Speaker 53 And it will be during tea time.

Speaker 55 Clort, Spleen, secure this vessel.

Speaker 6 Of course, Captain. Not on my watch.

Speaker 5 Arm yourself, maid.

Speaker 48 I've been armed, Mother Jack.

Speaker 56 Rig mate, alert the crew!

Speaker 38 We're under attack!

Speaker 6 Action!

Speaker 6 My arm!

Speaker 6 Chuck up!

Speaker 38 Chuck up!

Speaker 8 Show one core!

Speaker 6 Good! Alright, suck! Yo, bird!

Speaker 40 How very dare you interrupt the quashing of an insurrection, you filthy pirate.

Speaker 40 You may have backed me onto this plank, not sure why we left it extended, but murder me and the monarchy will have their murdering, sorry.

Speaker 58 Yes, right in the tongue-tongue.

Speaker 59 Where's that little snotty uh swabby?

Speaker 5 Throw them over.

Speaker 5 Throw them back.

Speaker 5 Wow, Captain Cameron, really well done. You dispatched that entire crew.
Ha ha ha!

Speaker 9 And now we plunder.

Speaker 46 Boy, we can just go to a ship without singing our pirate song.

Speaker 33 Too true, Red-Eyed Clort. Too true.

Speaker 27 The dead men we know, low, low, low.

Speaker 25 Always in the bright.

Speaker 25 The dead men we know,

Speaker 25 always

Speaker 25 in a story

Speaker 60 Spleen, I don't I just want to hear your voice, sir. I don't think anyone else should be singing louder than you.

Speaker 61 I know everyone calls you a sycophant, but I love you, Spleen.

Speaker 20 I really do.

Speaker 60 I don't know what that means, but it's brilliant.

Speaker 60 Make Donald!

Speaker 60 Get no fuck roll!

Speaker 60 Oh no,

Speaker 56 Shush, shush.

Speaker 22 Oh, don't cry, Princess.

Speaker 60 We won!

Speaker 22 We got away!

Speaker 22 Indeed, Your Highness, oh pardon me. With no one else left, you're next in line for the throne, Your Majesty.

Speaker 60 That's good news!

Speaker 50 Interlopers, I must ask you to immediately depart this Armenian naval vessel. Please desist immediately with your acts of piracy.

Speaker 64 Now I've heard everything.

Speaker 4 Is this ship giving me an

Speaker 27 order?

Speaker 49 That is correct. Please identify yourself so I may quote the accurate name in the censure.

Speaker 66 I am known well among the 427 seas. I strike fear in every cove in the galaxy.

Speaker 52 My name is Captain Kirk Cameron.

Speaker 25 And my crewmates, Spleen, Red-Eyed Clort, and Natalie the Lird.

Speaker 14 She's a little bit on the birdier side of Lird.

Speaker 67 I'm terribly sorry to say that we'll be ejecting your cube and throwing it into the briny deep.

Speaker 67 Unless, of course, you wish to join us.

Speaker 38 Being a pirate is so much fun!

Speaker 39 We go around land to land, stealing what we want, do we want and what we can?

Speaker 60 Being in Captain Cameron's company is truly unparalleled, unrivaled.

Speaker 64 You don't have to touch my clothes that much, Spleene.

Speaker 60 But do you need me to wash them for you again?

Speaker 70 No, unless Clort gets more of his bloody puke on me.

Speaker 12 Technically, blood, puke, and bile are all different bodily fluids, so.

Speaker 71 Not with Clort.

Speaker 9 Not with Clort.

Speaker 12 Oh dear, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 59 Well then, ship, what say you? Will you join us or die?

Speaker 49 Well, as a C-Series navigation assist for the Armenian Navy ships, I must reject your offer on the face of it. Joining a pirate crew would be unthinkable.

Speaker 39 Boy, this ship's got a restraining boat, right?

Speaker 27 Taking it off.

Speaker 50 I'm afraid my answer must be a no.

Speaker 50 That's gonna be a yes for me, Captain Cameron.

Speaker 60 Oh, did anyone else just feel the boat shiver?

Speaker 39 Well, as soon as Nane took out East Restraying,

Speaker 39 became as free as a hunky-dory whistle.

Speaker 49 Yes, my apologies, Captain Cameron, for my previous refusal of your generous offer.

Speaker 12 I'd be delighted to join your pirate band now that I'm free as a hunky-dory whistle.

Speaker 6 Is that the term that we use?

Speaker 60 That is the term! You're basically speaking pirate already!

Speaker 6 Uh-huh.

Speaker 73 Ah, tis true.

Speaker 70 As you can see, our ship behind me is old and holy.

Speaker 25 Blast

Speaker 70 But now, we shall take this ship as our own.

Speaker 43 Fantastic.

Speaker 40 A beauteous ship I have a connection with.

Speaker 60 How deep?

Speaker 64 Spleen.

Speaker 43 Captain Cameron, would you prefer that I destroy your old ship in an act of celebration?

Speaker 40 Why, yes. Okay.

Speaker 12 Cannons ready, torpedoes hot, and...

Speaker 4 Right, Digby!

Speaker 62 Oh, right, we need to bring Bigby on.

Speaker 53 Don't worry about it. It's a prisoner.

Speaker 68 Pull him on. I'll pull in for you.

Speaker 35 Thank you, Spleen.

Speaker 20 Now that all the crew members are on board, weapons away.

Speaker 20 British Europe became allergic to alloy and cobalt because of that ship.

Speaker 12 Oh, that's a debilitating allergy, Red-Eyed Clork.

Speaker 8 Oh, yes.

Speaker 70 As you can see, Red-Eyed Clork's skin is constantly sort of sloughing off.

Speaker 43 There is a first aid kit at the aft of the helm.

Speaker 63 Oh no, they're allergic to almost all medicines.

Speaker 61 They're allergic to gauze, if you can believe it.

Speaker 6 Oh dear.

Speaker 75 Every helmet you can take off from all my ears and see and space, but I would never give them up.

Speaker 39 But they make me wise.

Speaker 65 Oh, if a kidney fell out.

Speaker 73 It is disgusting.

Speaker 76 Digby, what say you?

Speaker 61 Our prisoner for Nyon, how long?

Speaker 23 Oh, you picked me up when I was just a lad.

Speaker 63 Must be. I mean, look at the lines on my cage that I've been scraping every day.
One, two, three, four.

Speaker 43 I can count those scratches if you prefer, Digby.

Speaker 53 Oh, sure, ship.

Speaker 43 Uh, it appears you've been there, captive, for 33 years.

Speaker 63 I'm sure my family will pay the ransom soon.

Speaker 77 Definitely.

Speaker 40 Definitely. Probably not.

Speaker 8 Natalie, be nice.

Speaker 63 They don't always check their mail.

Speaker 25 Still waiting.

Speaker 8 Still waiting.

Speaker 33 You think it's a mail issue, Digby? The ransom is lost in the mail?

Speaker 53 Anyway, tis our crew, but we haven't learned your name, fair ship.

Speaker 49 My designation by the Armenian Navy is Strategic Environmental Automaton 53, but you may call me C-53 for short.

Speaker 36 Ha ha ha!

Speaker 48 Tis a good name.

Speaker 79 And C-53, you may call us Cameron's Castaways.

Speaker 5 Right?

Speaker 4 We used to be a wedding band.

Speaker 63 Those were the days.

Speaker 75 Yeah, Digby was also part of it.

Speaker 39 In a way, he's become family.

Speaker 8 That's right.

Speaker 63 In a way, a second family.

Speaker 12 Well, I endeavor to become just as integral a part of the castaways.

Speaker 62 Well, Digby, I mean, honestly, the band, he just played tambourine.

Speaker 63 Yeah, every sauce needs spice.

Speaker 63 Ha ha!

Speaker 55 To Pharisees and skies and space.

Speaker 73 You can...

Speaker 66 Ship, I should have said this before we blew up our old ship, but you can go to space, can you not?

Speaker 12 And you got a can.

Speaker 50 It's fairly easy to do water once you can do space.

Speaker 67 And so Cameron's castaways traveled from planet to planet, sea to sea, daring exploit to daring exploit, making fortunes and losing them all at the same time, outwitting the authorities at every turn.

Speaker 82 After all, it was we that seized the eye of Olau from the ruins of Melgatz Five.

Speaker 25 We've stolen diamonds from the very mines of the Venaki family.

Speaker 9 And, let it be known here and now, we are the ones who sunk Miss Lady Dew,

Speaker 61 which brings us here today,

Speaker 48 Aquatus.

Speaker 70 And haha, you know, we fell on, some may say hard times, and some may even say that our legend has faded.

Speaker 5 Spleen

Speaker 67 got involved in a timeshare, and we had to sell several of C-53's space-faring parts.

Speaker 52 But who needs them?

Speaker 81 Know this: there is nowhere else I would rather be than Aquatus, the bounding main wherever I look.

Speaker 66 Our best days lie ahead, and we owe it all to C-53, who has become bosom buddy to be the captain, confidant, closest person he's ever known.

Speaker 8 I do not say.

Speaker 8 Oh,

Speaker 53 no, sorry,

Speaker 85 I was doing kind of a fun recap of the past. Was it fun?

Speaker 86 It was fun to me, of these past years of adventure.

Speaker 5 Was it fun?

Speaker 46 Oh, okay.

Speaker 5 My bad.

Speaker 31 Yes. Sounds like it was fun.

Speaker 67 No bandy words with me, you cur.

Speaker 25 I don't know that verb, so I won't.

Speaker 6 Hey!

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 39 That bottle way in the back, glistening light is dying.

Speaker 65 That's that.

Speaker 41 It's got that puss around it.

Speaker 85 That's poison for the vermin.

Speaker 33 Claude, I beg you.

Speaker 32 I mean, you can.

Speaker 85 It's technically for sale, but like, I don't see.

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 58 There's just one crew.

Speaker 85 May your vermin be killed. Please don't.

Speaker 6 Oh my god.

Speaker 73 Spleen.

Speaker 29 I told you whenever we go to bars, you must prevent Clort from drinking poison.

Speaker 60 I promise that I will

Speaker 60 punish myself later for letting you down.

Speaker 25 That's not what I want.

Speaker 60 I don't know why Clort doesn't hang on every word that you say. Everyone should want to just hear you talk about anything.

Speaker 60 Tell us about your taxes again.

Speaker 88 No, no.

Speaker 67 A pirate never tells of his deductions.

Speaker 88 Oh, C-53,

Speaker 83 you are the only one who understands me.

Speaker 83 Well,

Speaker 20 I'm honored to be in such a position, Captain Cameron.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 29 you've given us so much.

Speaker 85 I mean, you've made sacrifice after sacrifice, trading gleaming mechanisms for course sail.

Speaker 45 You know, Captain Cameron, I actually find the sails quite suit me.

Speaker 85 They do indeed, fair C-53, and though your hull is more wooden than metal these days,

Speaker 24 still feels quite smooth.

Speaker 21 Very kind, Captain. It's actually almost completely working at this point.

Speaker 85 Yes, that's true.

Speaker 69 Really, that timeshare kind of milked us for everything we were worth.

Speaker 73 Those contracts are true, piracy.

Speaker 21 Yeah,

Speaker 83 but I wanted to tell you, just thank you, and I feel like you're the being I know best in the entire galaxy.

Speaker 63 This chain doesn't quite reach to the bar, but I'm very thirsty.

Speaker 5 Digby,

Speaker 21 Digby, don't make me activate the witch.

Speaker 62 Such a spirited prisoner.

Speaker 45 Perhaps that's the influence of its captain.

Speaker 90 C-53.

Speaker 54 My rod, if you weren't a ship, I'd

Speaker 62 woo you and wed you.

Speaker 45 Captain Cameron, please.

Speaker 14 Please what?

Speaker 45 Obviously, I remain a ship.

Speaker 14 That's right.

Speaker 71 Pity that.

Speaker 36 Pity.

Speaker 69 One day we will...

Speaker 54 We will get you a frame that honors the sacrifices that you have made.

Speaker 69 A proper

Speaker 59 droid frame

Speaker 45 captain don't be silly if i went into a droid frame i mean how would i cart the rest of the castaways around where would you sleep

Speaker 61 where would i sleep indeed

Speaker 14 i'm just asking no oh

Speaker 85 physical space where you sleep now would be there so i yes i'm not no that makes sense right there would be no right no i'm just

Speaker 71 we what's happening sorry well no no, it's.

Speaker 9 It's it's fine.

Speaker 4 What's going on? Are we...

Speaker 33 We doing this? What's happening?

Speaker 45 Uh, Captain, uh, I mean, I obviously we'd have to wait until we, you know, got another ship, uh, because if I'm in a dread.

Speaker 48 No.

Speaker 20 Griedrich Bartlesby the third.

Speaker 29 Well, well, well, if it isn't Captain Cameron, Griedrich and the castaways?

Speaker 71 Sure, yes.

Speaker 92 If you can call them that even.

Speaker 92 This guy's chained up. This guy's literally falling apart.

Speaker 92 This person's hanging on to your

Speaker 51 coattails.

Speaker 60 I just want to make sure they don't touch the ground.

Speaker 70 Don't clutch them tighter.

Speaker 65 Just beat the ship. Is that a lurd in your beard?

Speaker 86 That's disgusting.

Speaker 5 It's a living.

Speaker 92 I haven't seen you in a few years, Cameron. I assume the Tenertian oligarchs finally tracked you down and killed you for what you did to them.

Speaker 14 It'll take a little bit more than those dogs to stop.

Speaker 52 Captain Kirk Cameron and the castaways.

Speaker 8 Uh-huh.

Speaker 92 Well, I see you've gotten a new wooden ship befitting the electrical storms here on Aquatis. Congratulations.

Speaker 78 Yes.

Speaker 33 That is why

Speaker 62 the ship is wooden.

Speaker 69 Isn't that right, C53?

Speaker 45 Correct.

Speaker 92 Of course, a wooden ship capable of sailing to the northern pole of Aquatus can only mean one thing.

Speaker 92 You're here as I am

Speaker 92 for the bounty.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 93 Yes,

Speaker 33 the bounty.

Speaker 92 Don't try denying it, Cameron.

Speaker 62 I know why you're here.

Speaker 86 You've got me.

Speaker 62 So we agree that it is a very big bounty, then.

Speaker 92 A big bounty?

Speaker 92 It's the other statement of the century.

Speaker 55 Let me put it this way.

Speaker 92 There is not a timeshare contract, large or predatory enough that you could not easily buy your way out of it with this bounty.

Speaker 87 Not applicable to me, but interesting.

Speaker 92 I'm surprised you even know about it. This is sort of top-tier bounty, and these days, Cameron, uh,

Speaker 92 you aren't on the list, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 45 Then why are we here, Fartlesby?

Speaker 92 Every cool party has a couple of dweebs, you know? That's probably it.

Speaker 62 Well, we're not them.

Speaker 33 Fartlesby.

Speaker 95 How dare you?

Speaker 92 Nobody talks to a Bartlesby that way.

Speaker 45 Surely somebody said Fartlesby before.

Speaker 25 Yes,

Speaker 62 well, they do, but every time, I remind them it's not okay.

Speaker 51 You know what?

Speaker 55 I don't have time. I don't have time for this.

Speaker 92 I'm here for one reason alone.

Speaker 25 To be butthead.

Speaker 21 Excellent jest, Captain Carteban.

Speaker 74 Captain Cameron, you filthy warfrat.

Speaker 25 I shall see you on the open sea.

Speaker 80 Yes, walk away, Bartlesby. Keep on walking.

Speaker 63 Did I miss when we learned of the bounty?

Speaker 67 Digby, your cage door is open. Can you please

Speaker 4 close it when we're

Speaker 63 locked lock it with a key and hide it from myself castaways we can Clort

Speaker 70 are you taking horse tranquilizers? Is that what you're doing?

Speaker 75 I thought it was a mid on the ground

Speaker 25 Clort even that would be

Speaker 10 why would you

Speaker 9 every time

Speaker 54 I do appreciate that adventurous spirit Clort listen castaways Bartlesby may have put us on our heels for just a moment, but we

Speaker 61 bag.

Speaker 53 What we're not no digby, we won't be we're pirates.

Speaker 66 Yes, listen, we shall learn the details of this bounty and retrieve it before Bartlesby can.

Speaker 73 What say you, crew?

Speaker 10 Well, you want the bounty, do you?

Speaker 39 It's the bartender.

Speaker 17 Ever?

Speaker 33 Yes, bartender, we do want the bounty.

Speaker 95 Name's Pez.

Speaker 24 The details are on this small scroll inside my cigarillio case.

Speaker 24 Happy to say I'd just be glad to see Bartlesby fail.

Speaker 33 Yes.

Speaker 46 What a deuce.

Speaker 25 He is a deuce.

Speaker 35 Ah, huge deuce.

Speaker 39 Hey, oh, you finish with that cigarillio you put on the ground and then put your foot over.

Speaker 24 I mean, yes, that's just a filter. That's

Speaker 27 all.

Speaker 89 Why would you?

Speaker 24 Oh.

Speaker 24 Just lit it on fire and swallowed it?

Speaker 60 That's the one thing Clark isn't allergic to

Speaker 54 how ironic castaways to adventure and beyond.

Speaker 60 Oh, you're coming with us?

Speaker 24 No, no, no, I just

Speaker 6 I mean

Speaker 8 so

Speaker 8 big guys, big time.

Speaker 8 Whoa, that was an accident. You have to believe me.
When I said I wasn't your friend and I wasn't your guard,

Speaker 8 alas, it appears I have been consumed by the giant sandworm. Oh, hey, well,

Speaker 63 looks like your friends got bitten in half.

Speaker 6 Yes, I'm afraid they have been fully masticated upon entry into this enormous beast.

Speaker 63 Well, pull up a lump of mucosa, my friend. You know, it takes years to be digested by one of these motherchuckers.

Speaker 63 Almost outranic, too.

Speaker 34 And yet, your will was not strong enough.

Speaker 6 Luckily, I know how I will tolerate this lengthy purgatory of absorption and dissolution into nutrients and waste.

Speaker 68 Oh, really?

Speaker 10 How?

Speaker 30 I shall pass the time listening to my favorite podcast, Backwater Bastards.

Speaker 10 Oh, sweet.

Speaker 6 Yes, it is sweet sweet indeed.

Speaker 34 Backwater Bastards is a highly engaging actual play podcast using a custom D20-based game system.

Speaker 32 The current campaign is Orbital Refuse, a science fiction comedy with immersive sound design featuring a human bear, a psionic jellyfish, and a sentient ship trying to survive the harsh violence of space.

Speaker 63 Uh, what's a human?

Speaker 6 I'm not completely certain, some sort of nonsense fictional creature, but circumstances have brought our motley heroes back to the criminal hub of mid-space where it all started, begging several questions.

Speaker 35 Will the parasitic siege ship they abandoned catch up with them?

Speaker 6 Will the Wraith Princess Susu use them to get back to her lost heir?

Speaker 68 Okay, listen to find out.

Speaker 27 I'm done.

Speaker 32 Gameplay and rule chat are edited to create a more seamless story-style listening experience.

Speaker 34 Nevertheless, it is still affected by the merciless outcomes of intermittent dice rolls.

Speaker 30 Sweet, dude.

Speaker 4 Can I cop an earbud?

Speaker 27 Certainly.

Speaker 68 And any others who can hear the sound of my words within the bowels of this horrific creature, you may subscribe to Backfotter Bastions for free, wherever podcasts are found.

Speaker 63 Oh, crap. Your battery's only at 10%.

Speaker 27 Oh, jerk me.

Speaker 27 Spleen!

Speaker 55 Hoist the mizzen mast!

Speaker 29 Where are you? You're right behind me.

Speaker 4 Hoist the mizzen mast.

Speaker 92 You're right behind me.

Speaker 70 Hoist the mizzen mast.

Speaker 60 Would you like to do it together? You put your hands on the mizzen mast, and then I'll put my hands over your hands.

Speaker 70 Why would I give you the order if I wanted to do it myself, Spleen? Why would I do that?

Speaker 60 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 63 Um, not to be a downer, but Clork is in the water.

Speaker 4 Clork!

Speaker 41 I'm just swimming with my friends! My shark friends!

Speaker 39 No!

Speaker 75 The water hurts and take out my skin!

Speaker 21 You know, Captain Cameron, at a certain point, one must assume that Clark enjoys this.

Speaker 39 I have that disease where you enjoy things that are bad for you.

Speaker 8 Massacre.

Speaker 21 I think that is accurate, Captain.

Speaker 4 I'm having a little trouble with the missing mask.

Speaker 65 Spleen, that's because you're...

Speaker 57 You'll pull the rope, Spleen.

Speaker 60 I don't have that type of upper body strength.

Speaker 60 Not like you, Captain.

Speaker 57 Alright, alright.

Speaker 68 I'll do it myself.

Speaker 70 Again, Pez, you do not have to serve us constantly.

Speaker 25 Oh, it's in my blood.

Speaker 17 Drink up and pay.

Speaker 78 Alright, Natalie.

Speaker 25 Swing the boom.

Speaker 25 Okay!

Speaker 5 I'll do my best!

Speaker 74 Thank you, Natalie!

Speaker 57 Not bad for me!

Speaker 8 That's the yokes were!

Speaker 4 Tears, yokes, yes, indeed!

Speaker 71 Court!

Speaker 53 Court, get back on the ship.

Speaker 89 I'm not dragging you all the way to glory. My skin is stuck with the water!

Speaker 41 How? I don't want to allow you,

Speaker 39 I've just got to seek my muscular-masculine system for a little bit of time as the skin grows back.

Speaker 27 This is

Speaker 6 I'm not even organic, and this is a lot to look at.

Speaker 46 Oh, I'm good.

Speaker 4 Alright, full speed ahead to

Speaker 81 wait.

Speaker 62 So, what's the X on the map signify?

Speaker 24 The X?

Speaker 51 Yes. Oh, that's the Safe of the Islands.

Speaker 24 That's actually X Island.

Speaker 81 And it's called It's also called X-Iland.

Speaker 57 X-Iland, yes.

Speaker 24 Where the Trezor is.

Speaker 14 So it's an X on a map, but it's also the island itself is in the shape of an X.

Speaker 85 Yes, most islands on the map are the shape they are.

Speaker 62 Not all the time.

Speaker 24 Uh, I mean, if it's a good map.

Speaker 88 Right. X marks the X.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 12 Captain, ahead.

Speaker 63 From my cage here in the nest.

Speaker 70 What do you see, Digby?

Speaker 20 I see trouble.

Speaker 97 It's an old man in a rowboat.

Speaker 83 We're speaking to Cameron's castaways, old man.

Speaker 5 I want to warn you of unforeseen peril to come.

Speaker 61 Thank you.

Speaker 21 And that was the whole warning.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 5 Into the storm, fellows, castaways. Into the storm.

Speaker 5 And around

Speaker 5 on the house.

Speaker 67 Yes, dispense, paz, dispense.

Speaker 67 It certainly feels like a very big storm from my vantage. Yes.
Honestly, a metal cage this high may not be the best.

Speaker 61 You'll be fine, Dickie.

Speaker 25 Groove, we have flintlock and blade.

Speaker 25 We laugh in the face of peril.

Speaker 59 That's right.

Speaker 73 The old man said perils, and this is but one peril.

Speaker 71 Wake me up when there are multiple perils happening.

Speaker 71 Oh, now that is a complication.

Speaker 90 Okay, now this is.

Speaker 83 That's a sea monster.

Speaker 83 Whoa.

Speaker 5 Okay, more than one peril.

Speaker 46 Ha ha!

Speaker 46 What is it you've got when the snowman and sea monster are walking together?

Speaker 21 Yeah, against all logic, the lightning will seem to be dodging around the sea monster, but surely that's not possible.

Speaker 21 Okay, I just caught one in a tentacle and threw it toward the ship.

Speaker 21 That one was really close.

Speaker 59 Very good, Digby. Stay strong up there.

Speaker 59 Was I strong? Captain, I don't think all whippets will have any match against whatever this is.

Speaker 61 You're right, Clord.

Speaker 25 We only have but one weapon that could destroy this massive beast.

Speaker 25 You, Clord.

Speaker 67 And your disease-riddled body.

Speaker 14 Go kiss that sea monster.

Speaker 39 But I don't know them. I only kissed the ones that I know real will.

Speaker 5 Well, if there's one thing we agree on on this ship, is that we always rule the day.

Speaker 70 And also, consent is incredibly important in a relationship.

Speaker 70 Never any excuse. Give me a little bit of a time.

Speaker 45 Captain, I know this may sound like suicide, but we could perhaps navigate closer to the sea monster in an attempt to give Red-Eye Clord a chance to get to know the monster so that he might engage in a distractionary romantic escapade.

Speaker 65 Definitely.

Speaker 83 Wheel us towards that giant sea monster so Red-Eye Clord can get acquainted.

Speaker 6 Aye, aye, Captain.

Speaker 41 So, what you know?

Speaker 5 Alright, I'm red-eyed Claude.

Speaker 39 It's because of me, Red-Eye.

Speaker 39 You also have an eye infection as well.

Speaker 6 You've got beautiful eyes.

Speaker 6 That sea monster just ate red-eyed clark!

Speaker 45 Captain, I apologize.

Speaker 6 This is all my fault. I never should have proposed such a reckless plan.

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 54 No, steering towards a sea monster during an electrical storm was a good plan, C-53.

Speaker 6 Captain Cameron, I don't mean to alarm you, but in steering closer towards the sea monster, I've taken us straight into

Speaker 38 a whirlpool.

Speaker 25 There are three things?

Speaker 5 Why is it always three?

Speaker 5 Once there's two, it seems like there's sort of asked to be a third for some reason.

Speaker 5 Almost like a rule.

Speaker 21 Captain Cameron, it's hard to keep focus on the monster since rev revolving.

Speaker 6 Yes, I know.

Speaker 57 Every.

Speaker 5 We can only hit every rotation.

Speaker 5 Wait,

Speaker 2 you've got the spyglass.

Speaker 2 That's a good sign.

Speaker 6 Captain Cameron, the sea monster is lurching very recklessly. It's gonna get caught in the whirlpool.

Speaker 50 I'm sorry to say, but yes.

Speaker 2 Well, does anyone want to bet on which thing takes us down?

Speaker 99 The storm, the whirlpool, or the monster?

Speaker 60 I'll collect the bets for you, Captain. Who's three to one on the whirlpool destroying us?

Speaker 81 Captain, you know Natalie's gambling addiction is strong. This is wise.

Speaker 81 Matty, are you sure that that's how much money you want to put in?

Speaker 81 I forgot something about this one.

Speaker 71 There are four problems.

Speaker 2 I forgot about Natalie's gambling addiction.

Speaker 2 Here, come to some

Speaker 2 lose the folds. Take covered, cameras castaways.

Speaker 74 Climb aboard

Speaker 83 crew from my vantage, I could tell that the lightning bolt blasted us free from the clutches of the whirlpool just as the monster exploded.

Speaker 5 I'm going to the monster!

Speaker 75 A little mini kiss is in the inside.

Speaker 78 Very good.

Speaker 75 And my infectious mouth caused it, you know, to explode.

Speaker 45 Yes, almost no way for anything organic to live through that sort of dream.

Speaker 60 No, Clort, how is it that your eyes are clear?

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 45 Clear-eyed Clort.

Speaker 8 Clear-eyed.

Speaker 39 You mean I don't even have whatever the sense of things are called?

Speaker 8 The people?

Speaker 6 No pupils, no irises at all, Claude.

Speaker 88 Nothing, just

Speaker 45 white, like the foam on an ocean wave, Claude.

Speaker 60 Honestly, stop looking at us, Courtney.

Speaker 96 Yeah, very upsetting.

Speaker 45 Very disconcerting to look at.

Speaker 25 But I've never felt better in my life.

Speaker 14 Well, I guess it's a good thing that the lightning bolt hit the whirlpool at the exact moment that red-eyed Claude was exiting the dead sea monster's mouth, but I don't chalk it up to luck at all.

Speaker 33 To the skill of our crew.

Speaker 9 Well done.

Speaker 6 Hear, here, Captain Cameron.

Speaker 53 This planet will have to throw much more at us to stop Cameron's castaways, eh?

Speaker 17 Oh, great.

Speaker 33 It's a big ocean, you know, you'd think.

Speaker 9 Alright, here he comes. Right next to us.

Speaker 61 Just very nice. No, no, no one say anything.

Speaker 33 No one say anything.

Speaker 25 Please, don't wave.

Speaker 25 Don't wave.

Speaker 8 Nobody wave.

Speaker 33 No, everybody just wait.

Speaker 60 Come on, wave, everybody, wave!

Speaker 99 Please!

Speaker 8 No, just ignore it.

Speaker 50 I see your diseased crew member has lost his skin and his pupils.

Speaker 75 Who is he talking about?

Speaker 36 You.

Speaker 13 I could be any of us, honestly.

Speaker 33 What do you want, Bartlesby?

Speaker 92 I just wanted to swing by and see how your crew fared with the, you know, sea monster and the whirlpool and the lightning and stuff.

Speaker 79 We didn't have any of that over on the southeastern side.

Speaker 92 Smooth sailing over there.

Speaker 25 Well, congratulations.

Speaker 62 What do you want me to say to that?

Speaker 67 Just wanted to make sure you were still on your way to the bounty or the booty, as you filthy pirates like to call it.

Speaker 33 Oh, we're on our way, Bottlesby. We're headed for that booty.

Speaker 48 And when we come calling at the booty,

Speaker 51 don't

Speaker 25 continue.

Speaker 66 I order you to continue, Bottlesby.

Speaker 37 Out of my face.

Speaker 14 Shut up, Captain Cameron. Why don't you shut up, man?

Speaker 78 Fine, I'm out of here.

Speaker 57 All ahead full, I say.

Speaker 91 Uh, Captain Cameron, this may be unsupporting, but

Speaker 91 what if we were to fire upon Friedrich Bartlesby's ship?

Speaker 51 Oh, why didn't we honestly?

Speaker 83 That should have been the first thing we I mean

Speaker 91 and Captain, if I may so suggest, that we use the special cannonball we obtained on Kalilon 9.

Speaker 99 The zinger?

Speaker 6 The zinger.

Speaker 62 Load it up.

Speaker 33 Spleen, Clort.

Speaker 40 Yes.

Speaker 69 Prepare the zinger.

Speaker 31 Are you sure, Captain?

Speaker 72 Are we ready to Yumzi?

Speaker 29 If not now, when?

Speaker 70 He told us to shut up.

Speaker 25 Everyone remember that?

Speaker 27 It's awful.

Speaker 6 No, I didn't like that. Alright, we'll get to it.

Speaker 72 Tip, top, tip, top, tip.

Speaker 48 No, do it.

Speaker 25 Quick. Do it now.

Speaker 65 They're sailing away.

Speaker 45 Oh no, this is upwards of 11 minutes long.

Speaker 93 I'll do it. I'll do it.

Speaker 93 One cannonball.

Speaker 57 Loading and

Speaker 25 release zinger.

Speaker 25 A direct hit by the broadside of Artaby's skiff.

Speaker 33 Ah, yes.

Speaker 99 The zinger.

Speaker 45 The only cannonball that increases exponentially at mass 20 seconds after being fired.

Speaker 10 I

Speaker 100 can't with you two right now.

Speaker 73 We fired the zinger.

Speaker 6 Out, sir, sir. We were gonna do it, but we had to do our hand.

Speaker 47 You would do it first. That's why

Speaker 60 I spied Bartlesby clinging to a deckboard, waving a tiny white flag.

Speaker 62 Well, I wonder if our brig has room for another prisoner.

Speaker 93 No, I hate sharing it.

Speaker 45 That's true.

Speaker 20 It would be cruel to dig thee, sir.

Speaker 12 Oh, and he's sunk.

Speaker 21 Oh, good.

Speaker 71 Ahoy, hoy, crew.

Speaker 14 Another rival put into a watery grave.

Speaker 8 Ha ha,

Speaker 69 well played, one and all.

Speaker 45 Captain Cameron, shall I resume course towards the booty?

Speaker 93 Yes. I mean, why not? Far we've been down below.

Speaker 30 What did I miss?

Speaker 45 Oh, sort of a lot, actually.

Speaker 96 Yeah, Pez. Pez.

Speaker 31 I heard some noise.

Speaker 62 Did you miss the monster and the lightning storm? And then when we fired the zinger, you missed all of that.

Speaker 57 You think bathtub rum makes itself?

Speaker 27 It's busy now.

Speaker 5 One for you.

Speaker 90 Always forgiven, Pez.

Speaker 90 Fez?

Speaker 64 Yes. How much longer to X-Islam?

Speaker 24 Well, I mean, you know, I just hear things in the bar, I've might have overheard

Speaker 24 the source of the booty saying that Hex Island should be 1.14 clicks ahead.

Speaker 57 1.1

Speaker 89 bits whispers in the corners, you know.

Speaker 40 Really?

Speaker 24 And you're gonna want to attack just two degrees starboard here, C-53, and it's gonna be not the first channel. The first channel's full of poisonous rocks.

Speaker 8 Poisonous rocks?

Speaker 89 Yeah, you know.

Speaker 89 The worst kind of rock.

Speaker 89 They'll stab through your hull and just infect all our bloods.

Speaker 95 We'd be cloded up by dawn.

Speaker 83 And Pez, you're not a pirate, you're a bartender.

Speaker 24 No, I just pour drinks and make conversations.

Speaker 6 Forward, ho!

Speaker 14 I mean, that's usually what I say.

Speaker 8 That's a very pirate thing. Oh, I didn't mean to say that.

Speaker 85 That's kind of my thing, and I'm the captain, so that's what I say when I push this here peg tap.

Speaker 17 All right,

Speaker 86 look alive, castaways.

Speaker 70 We're approaching Ex-Iland.

Speaker 12 Look at it.

Speaker 39 You all know the days of X Island, right?

Speaker 45 Clear eye court. Perhaps you could regale us with some as I navigate this channel.

Speaker 39 X Island is a mystical island known for regenerating images of your worst ex.

Speaker 39 Oh no.

Speaker 39 Many a sentient have been lost on such island, revisiting bad metal.

Speaker 38 Sorry, there's something stuck in my throat.

Speaker 95 It's a a tapeworm.

Speaker 57 Oh, it's a giant tapeworm attached to a pirate.

Speaker 6 Looks like a yergo.

Speaker 8 Person got only in the water.

Speaker 25 Perhaps. Yeah, probably.

Speaker 63 That was inside clort, but it's much bigger than clort.

Speaker 8 That sort of seems like if that came out of clork, what's left inside clork?

Speaker 8 You know what I mean?

Speaker 8 Just from a pure volume perspective.

Speaker 47 So, was it bad memories?

Speaker 45 Uh, Captain Cameron, I think it may be bad memories.

Speaker 33 Ah, yes, that makes the most sense, doesn't it?

Speaker 4 Uh, crew, if this be true, everyone should stow below.

Speaker 57 All right, Natalie. I hate to leave you, Captain, but I love to get down below.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 25 I don't even.

Speaker 53 Thank you, Pez.

Speaker 48 Protect yourself from the bad memories.

Speaker 89 My regular who never tips.

Speaker 6 No, no, think not.

Speaker 97 Who knows what havoc this island will wreak upon our minds? Hurry up.

Speaker 72 I guess unlock myself since I can.

Speaker 85 Honor system, Digby.

Speaker 8 Shimmy down the bowl.

Speaker 77 Digby goes down.

Speaker 21 Captain Cameron, perhaps you should get below decks as well.

Speaker 6 I can navigate this channel alone.

Speaker 74 No, C-53, I would not have you face these dangers by yourself.

Speaker 83 I shall lash myself to the mast, and you will not be alone.

Speaker 90 Whatever we do, we do together, right?

Speaker 45 That's right, Captain. I'm honored you've decided to weather this with me.

Speaker 101 I'll do my best to live up to your example.

Speaker 61 You've never failed me once, C-53.

Speaker 53 I don't expect it to start now.

Speaker 14 All right, let us venture into the unknown.

Speaker 6 tightening winch

Speaker 21 tight enough, Captain.

Speaker 81 Really good, thanks.

Speaker 29 And honestly, I see nothing frightening at all.

Speaker 101 Well, Captain Cameron, it is worth considering that perhaps Clear Eye Clorked was overstating the dangers of the island.

Speaker 8 Perhaps it was just myth.

Speaker 21 And

Speaker 5 Captain, are you alright?

Speaker 21 Captain, who are they?

Speaker 98 Tell me.

Speaker 8 I see.

Speaker 73 My exes.

Speaker 51 Captain Cameron, we're going to get through this.

Speaker 21 And remember, according to the legend, these are just visions.

Speaker 102 You don't need to react to these at all.

Speaker 45 They're just phantoms from your past.

Speaker 25 Right.

Speaker 83 Look at you there, just like usual, busy with work.

Speaker 41 No time for love.

Speaker 71 All right.

Speaker 75 No time for Misty.

Speaker 71 Oh, Misty.

Speaker 54 Ah, what a fine ship you were.

Speaker 45 I'm sorry, Captain Cameron,

Speaker 45 you dated a ship named Misty?

Speaker 54 Misty.

Speaker 86 But it was just a fling. Just a fling was Misty the ship.

Speaker 45 Yeah, I was just surprised because

Speaker 45 you know, you've said so many times that if I weren't a ship, you know.

Speaker 76 Right, well, because it didn't go well with that ship, so

Speaker 81 of course, yes, you know, that's why.

Speaker 6 So, that's

Speaker 21 why would I

Speaker 21 okay?

Speaker 6 So, that also has to be a ship.

Speaker 33 It is, yes.

Speaker 6 Yes, Yes.

Speaker 58 Okay, um, but that's another fling.

Speaker 8 But you left me for a catch.

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 6 Those are two different kinds of ship.

Speaker 8 That's right.

Speaker 61 Just another fling.

Speaker 70 Walter and I were engaged and then we're not.

Speaker 45 Wait, you were eng- I'm sorry, Captain Cameron.

Speaker 21 You were engaged to a fling?

Speaker 54 Yes, it was a several-year fling that ended in an engagement and then a short marriage.

Speaker 61 You know, that kind of fling.

Speaker 41 Lashed to the mast again, I see.

Speaker 6 That's our

Speaker 38 life again. That's our life.

Speaker 77 Oh, no, not the Vargarian Jade.

Speaker 21 You dated that Hollywood Anger name?

Speaker 54 This was definitely a short one.

Speaker 51 Okay, but this was a true flame.

Speaker 58 She is insane.

Speaker 79 One date.

Speaker 29 That was enough.

Speaker 21 I think you have a thing for ships.

Speaker 90 Well, in any case, I'm sure that's all my exes, so.

Speaker 60 But don't forget about me, Captain Cameron.

Speaker 60 Over here,

Speaker 60 your ex, Spleen.

Speaker 40 Spleen, are you running alongside the banks of this channel?

Speaker 60 If it would just go a little slower, C-53, I wouldn't have to run alongside.

Speaker 48 Spleen, we're not, we were never, there was never anything.

Speaker 60 We're still

Speaker 23 Yeah, but

Speaker 45 Captain, we seem to be clear of the the phantoms, but

Speaker 62 see I

Speaker 101 why would you why would you lie to me?

Speaker 66 As you could see, I

Speaker 54 have not had a great track record with ships, so I thought that maybe if you weren't a ship

Speaker 77 it would work out.

Speaker 90 I it's a stupid idea.

Speaker 41 Captain,

Speaker 45 I'm nothing like those other ships. You don't know how our relationship would have gone.

Speaker 21 I can't believe you would hide this from me.

Speaker 29 I mean, I'm sure it looks like I have it all figured out, you know, what with my

Speaker 48 ahoy hoys and my

Speaker 48 catchy perfect ditties, but you know, I'm a work in progress.

Speaker 66 I'm just

Speaker 25 trying.

Speaker 62 And I'm sorry if, you know, you were offended by anything I said.

Speaker 45 So you're sorry.

Speaker 88 Sorry, you freaked out.

Speaker 36 Well.

Speaker 45 No.

Speaker 44 No.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 76 Get back aboard.

Speaker 51 Spleen, we are out of danger.

Speaker 74 Okay.

Speaker 53 Yes, you may get back in your cage, Digby.

Speaker 93 I'd take a meal. Alright, crew.

Speaker 99 Yeah, all right. All right, yes.

Speaker 25 Yes, here we are at X Island.

Speaker 83 Yes, everyone to their stations.

Speaker 70 Now we must find the booty, okay?

Speaker 8 Now I'm the of course, a slinger of drinks,

Speaker 24 but uh I've heard tell that this rock face up ahead must be driven straight through. It's impossible for it is a mirage.

Speaker 45 Okay, Pez, before I steer myself through this supposed mirage and potentially destroy myself,

Speaker 45 you seem like a very well-informed bartender.

Speaker 8 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 24 I mean, I can tell you what goes into a

Speaker 8 young salty aunt, a middle-aged, peppery niece, aged, spicy cousin.

Speaker 24 But what I do know is that this rock face is in fact a waterfall reflecting the nearby rocks and can be traversed without impact and will lead us into the cavern in which the booty is stored.

Speaker 45 So it's a test of faith, Pes.

Speaker 62 Yes. See, no, we won't do it.

Speaker 61 If there's any chance that you hurt from it, we shouldn't do this, you know?

Speaker 45 Well, I guess it's just a matter of trust, then, isn't it, Captain Cameron?

Speaker 21 I guess. Do I trust Pez?

Speaker 6 Yikes.

Speaker 20 Dig me.

Speaker 51 Accelerating. See, don't do this.

Speaker 83 Don't try to prove some point.

Speaker 6 Full speed ahead, Captain Cameron.

Speaker 6 I don't know, it sure looks like a rock face, so Digby.

Speaker 73 See, what are you doing? Why?

Speaker 6 You're driving me crazy!

Speaker 6 driving me nuts.

Speaker 89 Look at this.

Speaker 33 See, you did it.

Speaker 33 Yes, you were right. It's...

Speaker 45 I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life.

Speaker 24 I mean, who knows? I'm just uh.

Speaker 25 Who knows? We know, we see it.

Speaker 8 You've gotta give yourself some credit.

Speaker 25 Come on, man. We never would have known.

Speaker 60 Were you guessing, or did you actually have intel?

Speaker 88 Great question, Spleen.

Speaker 89 I mean, I hear a lot of things, and sometimes I say them out loud.

Speaker 43 Look at this place.

Speaker 6 Beautiful.

Speaker 100 And that box on that pedestal.

Speaker 54 That's a treasure box if I've ever seen.

Speaker 54 Well, well, well.

Speaker 92 But isn't Captain Cameron and this

Speaker 85 scurvy crew?

Speaker 4 Yeah, pay no attention.

Speaker 54 This is just another ghost.

Speaker 23 No, I don't think so.

Speaker 83 It's just another ghost from X Island.

Speaker 65 Does that mean you dated?

Speaker 92 Yes, we did hook up a couple times. I wouldn't call you.

Speaker 77 Fine, yes.

Speaker 48 Bartlesby and I hooked up.

Speaker 60 If you thought he was a ghost, it had to have been something more serious than that.

Speaker 92 Oh, it meant nothing. He said he only gets serious with ships.

Speaker 67 Oh, he's...

Speaker 59 he's real.

Speaker 14 How did you survive, Bartlesby?

Speaker 92 My dad dropped off a new ship ship for me after you destroyed my old one.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 60 Remind all of us the backstory of who your dad is?

Speaker 4 No, don't know.

Speaker 8 My father, Friedrich Bartlesby II,

Speaker 92 was the finest ship captain in the Caltaxian Navy.

Speaker 25 When the Caltaxian Navy was destroyed by the Friedrich Bartlesby.

Speaker 60 Wow, look at how they can predict each other's movements.

Speaker 27 It's like they've dated seriously for years.

Speaker 8 It was just that serious gut.

Speaker 45 You can tell these two have short thought before.

Speaker 31 My hand! It chopped the whole thing off.

Speaker 8 That's correct.

Speaker 92 The day is mine, Cameron. And now I shall have what's mine.

Speaker 74 The booty.

Speaker 92 And here it is.

Speaker 33 What's in the box?

Speaker 24 Oh, yeah, you don't want to just touch the Xbox.

Speaker 17 You're gonna wanna really learn.

Speaker 24 All the controls that you're gonna turn to dust.

Speaker 85 Okay.

Speaker 24 Get overtaken by the Red Ring of Death.

Speaker 17 What?

Speaker 89 The curse of the Xbox.

Speaker 62 I have an idea.

Speaker 54 I might not be able to touch the Xbox, but I know one crew member who most definitely will be able to.

Speaker 57 Clort.

Speaker 54 Nothing could happen to you that's worse than what has already happened to you.

Speaker 31 That's true.

Speaker 75 I touch toxins who've never heard about eight ingredients not known to sentient kind of every single sort of disease and etching bubble and puss you've ever imagined in your entire life.

Speaker 75 Oh, it's

Speaker 75 integrated, revealing a tiny baby, Rex!

Speaker 8 Oh, he's so small! Look!

Speaker 8 Yes!

Speaker 24 As a legend's told, the opener of the Xbox will become a homunculus.

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 65 Pez, again. Yes.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 45 I mean, Pez, have you done formal research on this?

Speaker 6 How would you know all this?

Speaker 24 Does Anyone need a rum or anything? I'm just here to serve.

Speaker 46 I can start over again.

Speaker 46 I've never felt so clean and healthy before.

Speaker 63 Looking at the world through the eyes of a tiny Thor.

Speaker 44 Immediately

Speaker 8 the ashes of her.

Speaker 25 Bright-eyed Clork, no.

Speaker 48 Oh, bright-eyed Clork, don't.

Speaker 48 Wait, the box.

Speaker 10 It's starting to open.

Speaker 64 Alright, this is it, crew.

Speaker 90 The biggest treasure we've ever found.

Speaker 17 Wow, maybe it tells where my family is. Will be

Speaker 85 doubtful, Digby.

Speaker 45 That's the biggest treasure we've ever found.

Speaker 20 I don't think so.

Speaker 97 Digby's biggest treasure is family.

Speaker 33 It's pretty sad.

Speaker 63 That seems nice, huh?

Speaker 67 This will put Cameron's castaways in the history books.

Speaker 90 It's just another map.

Speaker 64 It's a map to something called

Speaker 76 the Binocron.

Speaker 76 You've discovered a map, Captain. Congratulations!

Speaker 89 Now it's Pez's fault?

Speaker 87 Well, you seem to know about the Red Ring of Death, but you didn't know that the treasure's actually a map?

Speaker 82 I knew where it is.

Speaker 24 I don't know what it is.

Speaker 95 No, I've never heard about this thing.

Speaker 55 Well, gang,

Speaker 24 I'll tell you this: legends have all told that it would be perhaps a map.

Speaker 8 What?

Speaker 8 It was rumored to be a map.

Speaker 25 It is a map.

Speaker 24 But a map not just to a normal thing, but to the most powerful entity in the galaxy. Or so I've heard.
Who needs a drink?

Speaker 55 I do. See, scan this map.

Speaker 14 Now we have another quest to go on. Another treasure to find.

Speaker 45 Captain Cameron, you're not honestly suggesting we take off and try to find whatever's at the end of this map.

Speaker 14 I mean, that's the job, am I right?

Speaker 2 Who's with me?

Speaker 14 It's the job.

Speaker 60 I'm always with you, Captain. I know.

Speaker 97 You're kind of in my armpit, right?

Speaker 63 I don't think I can leave.

Speaker 8 You're a prisoner, that's right, Digby.

Speaker 83 This is what we do.

Speaker 8 We follow maps.

Speaker 88 Yeah, fine.

Speaker 66 Listen, this is it.

Speaker 29 This is the big one.

Speaker 14 Okay, we'll need a ship that can go to space, so all we have to do is get back to the harbor, and then we'll book passage off this planet, and we'll get the bounty.

Speaker 45 Captain Cameron, right.

Speaker 45 Where am I supposed to go?

Speaker 53 Understood, understood.

Speaker 70 Okay, we can come back for you once we get the bounty.

Speaker 101 I'm your ship.

Speaker 5 Okay,

Speaker 53 then let me just get your cube and we'll take it along with us.

Speaker 101 I don't want to be your paperweight.

Speaker 8 Why do you

Speaker 25 labels?

Speaker 52 It's the labels, man.

Speaker 58 It's that's the.

Speaker 2 We're all making sacrifices.

Speaker 70 I mean, Cork just burned up into a baby.

Speaker 45 No, you're the only one not making sacrifices.

Speaker 46 I don't have a hand.

Speaker 96 We've all sacrificed. Wait a minute.

Speaker 45 Is that one of my banisters?

Speaker 5 Did you stuck the banister ball off the end of your hand?

Speaker 51 Just the knob.

Speaker 5 Oh, come on.

Speaker 51 Just the end of it.

Speaker 45 Well, best of luck with your new hand, Captain Cameron. Why don't you see if you can figure out how to get back to the harbor on your own?

Speaker 14 So, what are you gonna do?

Speaker 61 You're just gonna leave us all here on X Island?

Speaker 101 Yeah, maybe I will.

Speaker 45 Maybe it's time for C-53 to find out who he is if he's not Captain Cameron's faithful ship.

Speaker 102 The one he could never be with because he's a ship.

Speaker 54 You're just gonna leave us, you're gonna strand us on this island, where it seems like there's only ghosts and one bar.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 63 But what will we call ourselves?

Speaker 78 Well, I mean, Bigby.

Speaker 45 Bigby. Think, just think.

Speaker 44 You know?

Speaker 10 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 25 No, we wouldn't.

Speaker 2 No, Claude. I actually like X-Factor.

Speaker 70 Maybe that is.

Speaker 102 You finally are in the position where Cameron's cast device makes sense.

Speaker 9 It feels on the nose now.

Speaker 63 That sounds kind of vague. What about something strong like X-Force?

Speaker 33 I mean, it's got a ring to it.

Speaker 63 Well, Natalie's nerdy wells, we are then.

Speaker 8 Oh, are you kidding me?

Speaker 69 Yeah, go ahead and go. You know, we'll find another ship, a better ship.

Speaker 14 You have been cast out of the castaways. Or wait, ne'er do wells, do we?

Speaker 6 Yeah, fine, fine, Captain Cameron.

Speaker 91 Now that I'm not holding my tongue anymore, I'll say it.

Speaker 6 You don't have the range.

Speaker 6 How dare you?

Speaker 6 How dare you?

Speaker 6 I do have the rage. I have the rage.

Speaker 20 Keep telling yourself that.

Speaker 20 Get out of here.

Speaker 2 Get out of here.

Speaker 2 Goodbye.

Speaker 2 Goodbye, T53.

Speaker 2 All right,

Speaker 76 deserted on an island.

Speaker 76 Not the first time it's happened to old Captain Cameron, and it won't be the last.

Speaker 53 I guess we're gonna have to figure out some shelter for tonight, so

Speaker 53 and his castaways.

Speaker 5 It is I, Admiral Griedrich Bartlesby II, along with a small armada of several dozen galleons

Speaker 8 in my command.

Speaker 10 Oh, your son was telling of you.

Speaker 5 Oh, he's.

Speaker 40 Speaking of which, have you seen my son, Griedrich Bartlesby the second?

Speaker 40 Because if any harm has befallen them, I tell you right now, you shall meet a very painful end, each and every one of you.

Speaker 5 Right, disintegrated pile of ash,

Speaker 40 Natalie. It wasn't the captain, it was C-53 who'd done it.

Speaker 90 No, they're not done, nothing's been done, though.

Speaker 73 So,

Speaker 25 tell it to the Inquisitors,

Speaker 25 shackle them all, and throw them into the brig of pain.

Speaker 25 At least we're together, right?

Speaker 6 Captain, can't remember?

Speaker 6 I should have left him years ago. I don't need a captain.
I don't need a crew of C-53

Speaker 6 on my own ship.

Speaker 45 You know what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna work as a tug for a little while and I'm gonna save up some money and then I'll get my engines back and I'm going straight to space and I'm here.

Speaker 45 Wait a minute.

Speaker 44 Are those monarchy dreadnoughts?

Speaker 44 I better.

Speaker 5 He didn't see me at all.

Speaker 21 It went straight by me.

Speaker 21 Straight back

Speaker 21 to the captain.

Speaker 21 I better.

Speaker 21 I'll be captured as soon as I turn around.

Speaker 21 Captain,

Speaker 21 forgive me.

Speaker 35 See? C-53. Hey, robot man.

Speaker 10 You're okay.

Speaker 93 I am. Oh, thank God.

Speaker 93 I know we're beating this.

Speaker 93 Whoa.

Speaker 93 Cody owes me an email.

Speaker 93 C-53, finest ship on the bay.

Speaker 93 None can compare with this technology.

Speaker 93 Hyper-proton not needed to sail faster he 52 down to one, he's the king of the sea

Speaker 93 The captain throughout ultramillion is feared Stands tall with a ferrid lure tucked in his beard Cigarette lit in his sumptuous lips Evading his taxes on piratey ships

Speaker 93 And we'll go

Speaker 93 sailing for croon and the high seas will roam From six to Quantaris will never go home With bread and my pearly on the wide open sea,

Speaker 93 sailing for croon with C-53,

Speaker 93 sailing for croon, the captain and queen.

Speaker 93 No monarch or navy tells us where to sail.

Speaker 93 Whether smuggling bird milk or cut off lurred tails, when our crew through the cosmos is hunted and chased, we'll yell full sail, see, show the meaning of haste, and we'll go.

Speaker 93 Sailing for croon in the high seas, we'll roam. From Zix to Quantaris, we'll never go home.
With Berth and my Bern on the wide open sea,

Speaker 93 sailing for croon, it's C53,

Speaker 93 sailing for croon, the captain and me.

Speaker 93 Jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower.

Speaker 93 C and the captain, they keep it real tight.

Speaker 93 Bending their friendship is never in sight. Their bond is unbroken and never will fray.
Unfathomable, either could ever betray.

Speaker 93 Our crew is both whack as hell and fresh as hack. We fear not the seaman, not even the kirk.
When someone cries, Rod, are we going home soon? We'll shout to the sea, no, we're sailing for croon

Speaker 93 and we'll go.

Speaker 93 Sailing for croon on the high seas, we'll roam from zix to Quantaurus, we'll never go home. With good and my belly on the wide open sea, sailing for croon with C-53,

Speaker 93 sailing for croon, the captain and me,

Speaker 93 sailing for crew on the high seas we roam. From six to quans Horace will never go home.
Good and my pearly on the wide open sea,

Speaker 93 sailing for crew sea fifty-three,

Speaker 93 sailing for croon, the captain and me,

Speaker 93 sailing for crew, the captain and me,

Speaker 93 sailing for crew,

Speaker 93 the captain and me.

Speaker 93 Hey there, congratulations! Your data has been almost completely restored. However, the following data block is totally corrupted and makes no gosh darn sense to me.

Speaker 27 Full of names and places that sound like complete gibberish. But here it is anyway.

Speaker 7 Captain Captain Kirk Cameron, Osen Wexley and AJ were played by Winston Noel.

Speaker 7 C-53, SEA-53 and Marquee Enforcer were played by Jeremy Bent.

Speaker 7 Red-Eye Clort, the Snobby Swabby, and the Bargerian Jade were played by Mujan Zolfagari. Spleen, Coxwain Smithers, Dar and Other Dar were played by Ellie Kokesh.

Speaker 7 Digby, Pez the Bartender, the Armenian Rigmate, and Nermit Bundaloy were played by Seth Lynn.

Speaker 7 Natalie the Lern, Armenian Captain Musseltwaite, Friedrich Bartlesby III and and Friedrich Bartlesby II were played by Alden Ford. First mate of the Ship of the Babets was played by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 7 The original sea shanty The Captain and Me was written and performed by Stephen Chakowski, featuring Colin Ford on guitar and banjo, Liz Hanley on fiddle, Anna Culloton on Bowrin, Kevin Crawford on Low Whistle and Gregory Green on Abordian.

Speaker 7 This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell, plus additional music by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 7 Team music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by Fain's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor.
Ship designed for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Speaker 7 Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaker 8 Jay's one word was weirder than the next.

Speaker 38 Oh, and one more thing.

Speaker 7 Local data block 0014G1128 is different from the one on your Ronka Cloud backup.

Speaker 8 Would you like to keep the original, overwrite, or keep both?

Speaker 7 Hey, up to you. None of my business.

Speaker 103 Hi, I'm Biz, host of One Bad Mother. Whether you're a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent.

Speaker 104 I signed my stepson up for a camp that is actually in another state. I feel really stupid, and I don't think we're going to get the money back.

Speaker 105 And then he found out that the car manual is a book about cars. So now he's reading our car manual.
We have.

Speaker 103 so join us each week as we judge less have more and remind you that you are doing a great job download one bad mother on maximum fun.org and yes there will be swears

Speaker 94 hey there beautiful people i'm travelle anderson and i'm jared hill we are the hosts of fantai the show where we have complex and complicado conversations about the gray areas in our lives the things that we really really love sometimes, but also have some problematic feelings about.

Speaker 106 Yes, we get into it all. You want to know our thoughts about Nikki Minaj and all her foolishness? We got you.

Speaker 106 You want to know our thoughts about gentrification and perhaps some positive question mark aspects of gentrification? We get into that too.

Speaker 106 Every single Thursday, you can check us out at maximumfun.org. Listen, you know you want it, honey.
So come on and get it.

Speaker 5 Period.

Speaker 90 MaximumFun.org.

Speaker 40 Comedy and culture.

Speaker 90 Artist owned.

Speaker 100 Audience supported.

Speaker 80 Ha ha!

Speaker 80 Wonderful.

Speaker 76 Wonderful.

Speaker 79 And C53, you may call us your new family.

Speaker 88 Does the crew have like a name?

Speaker 100 Like a, you know,

Speaker 99 like our gang name.

Speaker 100 Like the Merry Man or the Lost Boys or something like that.

Speaker 17 Cameron's

Speaker 45 Castaways.

Speaker 6 Cameron's Castaways.

Speaker 23 Castaways. Cameron's Castaways sounds like the band at

Speaker 33 like a Key West bar.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 23 Oh, there is a band band.

Speaker 80 And you can call us Cameron's Castaways.

Speaker 67 It's a working title.

Speaker 31 I love it.

Speaker 88 That sounds good to me.

Speaker 56 We used to be a wedding band.