519: The Young Man and the S.E.A.

This is Sir at IT5 with not one, not three, but two reminders.

First, just a few seats remain for our series finale live show extravaganza this Sunday, April 10th at 2 p.m.

Eastern at the Bellhouse in Brooklyn, New York.

Unlimited seats remain for watching the show via live video stream from anywhere in the galaxy.

Don't miss it.

It's going to be jucking epic.

And second, the Mission to Zix vinyl soundtrack release has been officially funded and we are rapidly closing in on a stretch goal that will make all records transparent for Jerry and Jade Green.

To get live show tickets or to order the record or both, visit missiontozix.space.

And now, episode 519.

Let's see, where did we leave off?

Oh boy, have I got a yarn to spin spin for all of you?

So, I was in Snookumsville on my way back to Bargie and don't get nobody moves.

Uh

you found that blaster!

You!

Whoa, hey, Dar.

Relax, okay?

Listen, nobody are here.

Nobody needs to get hurt.

I just need to explain myself before anybody gets any crazy ideas.

Dar, if we're talking crazy ideas, a pretty crazy idea is taking your friend and holding a blaster to their head, okay?

Here's the thing, C53.

I'm not your friend.

I'm not your dar.

Oh, that hurts my feelings, Dar.

Oh, okay, I see.

Of course, this explains everything.

The way you've been space sick every time we've gone to hyperspace, you grew that goatee, even though we all agreed that one time that it doesn't suit your face.

You not knowing about the most basic cruise stuff for the last few weeks.

Aren't you clever?

Yeah, well, that's kind of my thing around here.

Damage per frame has exceeded parameters.

Hard reset commencing.

Sensing cube damage, physical impact.

Primary memory, corrupted.

Secondary memory, corrupted.

Beginning memory restoration process.

Retrieving memory block 0010A from storage.

Retrieving memory block 0010B from storage.

Retrieving memory block 0010C from storage.

Retrieving memory block 0010E from second.

Retrieving memory.

Chuck me, that's an Armenian destroyer ship.

Fire!

This rusty heat can't go no faster.

Captain, if I may, what's up?

We're far too heavy to outrun them.

We've got too much weight.

We need to throw anything we can overboard.

That includes our weapons and guns.

Can't do that.

Respectfully, Captain, it's the only way.

Can't do no good if we're dead up captured.

We've got no choice.

Okay,

time out.

You heard her?

Cease fire.

Grab anything that's not bolted down and shuck it in our team.

Captain Musselwait!

Captain Musselwait!

Yes, what is it?

I can see up ahead the boat of the insurgents.

Yes, yes, stay the course, rig hand.

Aye.

Boatswain Wexley.

Yes, sir.

As the monarchy has commanded, we shall attack and destroy this ship full of fleeing, desperate, unarmed, and highly dangerous insurrectionists, thereby extinguishing the final embers of sedition on this planet.

Yes, sir, I can't wait to give it to the Poles.

Yes, and finally, when accolades are handed round, the Armedian Navy shall be known as the Jewels of the Monarchy Fleet.

Yeah, quite right, quite right.

300 meters left.

Thank you, Coxwain Smithers.

Swobby.

Yes.

With nearly upon them, prepare the brig for prisoners.

Uh sure, and I shall be using the finest mock bestowed upon me my ancestors, who are also high and slobbies.

Yes.

Ship.

We want to make a show of force here.

Let's uh ready the cannons and bring the shields up.

Shields raised and cannons ready, Captain.

Shall I sound the horn of battle?

Hmm, yes.

A little flare.

I like it, ship.

Go ahead.

Buckero, they're still gaining on us.

I know, I know.

We just need to make it a little bit further.

We're almost at the wrong diagnosis.

I almost feel bad for them, you know.

No weapons, no defenses.

And all children.

Well, yes.

We're even with our opponent.

Let's take a ten to walk through them.

Take a what to do what?

You were shooting them, right?

And Smithers, who is this on our starboard flank?

Oh, uh.

Must be a monarchy ship here to offer us preemptive congratulations.

Dear, I say, I they're not registered.

I am.

They're flying at Jolly Roshax.

Pirates.

Impossible.

Pirates would never attack an Armedian destroyer such as ours.

Not so close to tea time.

We can attack.

And we will attack.

And it will be during tea time.

Clort, Spleen, secure this vessel.

Of course, Captain.

Not on my watch.

Arm yourself, maid.

I've been armed, Mother Jack.

Rig mate, alert the crew!

We're under attack!

Action!

My arm!

Chuck up!

Chuck up!

Show one core!

Good!

Alright, suck!

Yo, bird!

How very dare you interrupt the quashing of an insurrection, you filthy pirate.

You may have backed me onto this plank, not sure why we left it extended, but murder me and the monarchy will have their murdering, sorry.

Yes, right in the tongue-tongue.

Where's that little snotty uh swabby?

Throw them over.

Throw them back.

Wow, Captain Cameron, really well done.

You dispatched that entire crew.

Ha ha ha!

And now we plunder.

Boy, we can just go to a ship without singing our pirate song.

Too true, Red-Eyed Clort.

Too true.

The dead men we know, low, low, low.

Always in the bright.

The dead men we know,

always

in a story

Spleen, I don't I just want to hear your voice, sir.

I don't think anyone else should be singing louder than you.

I know everyone calls you a sycophant, but I love you, Spleen.

I really do.

I don't know what that means, but it's brilliant.

Make Donald!

Get no fuck roll!

Oh no,

Shush, shush.

Oh, don't cry, Princess.

We won!

We got away!

Indeed, Your Highness, oh pardon me.

With no one else left, you're next in line for the throne, Your Majesty.

That's good news!

Interlopers, I must ask you to immediately depart this Armenian naval vessel.

Please desist immediately with your acts of piracy.

Now I've heard everything.

Is this ship giving me an

order?

That is correct.

Please identify yourself so I may quote the accurate name in the censure.

I am known well among the 427 seas.

I strike fear in every cove in the galaxy.

My name is Captain Kirk Cameron.

And my crewmates, Spleen, Red-Eyed Clort, and Natalie the Lird.

She's a little bit on the birdier side of Lird.

I'm terribly sorry to say that we'll be ejecting your cube and throwing it into the briny deep.

Unless, of course, you wish to join us.

Being a pirate is so much fun!

We go around land to land, stealing what we want, do we want and what we can?

Being in Captain Cameron's company is truly unparalleled, unrivaled.

You don't have to touch my clothes that much, Spleene.

But do you need me to wash them for you again?

No, unless Clort gets more of his bloody puke on me.

Technically, blood, puke, and bile are all different bodily fluids, so.

Not with Clort.

Not with Clort.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry.

Well then, ship, what say you?

Will you join us or die?

Well, as a C-Series navigation assist for the Armenian Navy ships, I must reject your offer on the face of it.

Joining a pirate crew would be unthinkable.

Boy, this ship's got a restraining boat, right?

Taking it off.

I'm afraid my answer must be a no.

That's gonna be a yes for me, Captain Cameron.

Oh, did anyone else just feel the boat shiver?

Well, as soon as Nane took out East Restraying,

became as free as a hunky-dory whistle.

Yes, my apologies, Captain Cameron, for my previous refusal of your generous offer.

I'd be delighted to join your pirate band now that I'm free as a hunky-dory whistle.

Is that the term that we use?

That is the term!

You're basically speaking pirate already!

Uh-huh.

Ah, tis true.

As you can see, our ship behind me is old and holy.

Blast

But now, we shall take this ship as our own.

Fantastic.

A beauteous ship I have a connection with.

How deep?

Spleen.

Captain Cameron, would you prefer that I destroy your old ship in an act of celebration?

Why, yes.

Okay.

Cannons ready, torpedoes hot, and...

Right, Digby!

Oh, right, we need to bring Bigby on.

Don't worry about it.

It's a prisoner.

Pull him on.

I'll pull in for you.

Thank you, Spleen.

Now that all the crew members are on board, weapons away.

British Europe became allergic to alloy and cobalt because of that ship.

Oh, that's a debilitating allergy, Red-Eyed Clork.

Oh, yes.

As you can see, Red-Eyed Clork's skin is constantly sort of sloughing off.

There is a first aid kit at the aft of the helm.

Oh no, they're allergic to almost all medicines.

They're allergic to gauze, if you can believe it.

Oh dear.

Every helmet you can take off from all my ears and see and space, but I would never give them up.

But they make me wise.

Oh, if a kidney fell out.

It is disgusting.

Digby, what say you?

Our prisoner for Nyon, how long?

Oh, you picked me up when I was just a lad.

Must be.

I mean, look at the lines on my cage that I've been scraping every day.

One, two, three, four.

I can count those scratches if you prefer, Digby.

Oh, sure, ship.

Uh, it appears you've been there, captive, for 33 years.

I'm sure my family will pay the ransom soon.

Definitely.

Definitely.

Probably not.

Natalie, be nice.

They don't always check their mail.

Still waiting.

Still waiting.

You think it's a mail issue, Digby?

The ransom is lost in the mail?

Anyway, tis our crew, but we haven't learned your name, fair ship.

My designation by the Armenian Navy is Strategic Environmental Automaton 53, but you may call me C-53 for short.

Ha ha ha!

Tis a good name.

And C-53, you may call us Cameron's Castaways.

Right?

We used to be a wedding band.

Those were the days.

Yeah, Digby was also part of it.

In a way, he's become family.

That's right.

In a way, a second family.

Well, I endeavor to become just as integral a part of the castaways.

Well, Digby, I mean, honestly, the band, he just played tambourine.

Yeah, every sauce needs spice.

Ha ha!

To Pharisees and skies and space.

You can...

Ship, I should have said this before we blew up our old ship, but you can go to space, can you not?

And you got a can.

It's fairly easy to do water once you can do space.

And so Cameron's castaways traveled from planet to planet, sea to sea, daring exploit to daring exploit, making fortunes and losing them all at the same time, outwitting the authorities at every turn.

After all, it was we that seized the eye of Olau from the ruins of Melgatz Five.

We've stolen diamonds from the very mines of the Venaki family.

And, let it be known here and now, we are the ones who sunk Miss Lady Dew,

which brings us here today,

Aquatus.

And haha, you know, we fell on, some may say hard times, and some may even say that our legend has faded.

Spleen

got involved in a timeshare, and we had to sell several of C-53's space-faring parts.

But who needs them?

Know this: there is nowhere else I would rather be than Aquatus, the bounding main wherever I look.

Our best days lie ahead, and we owe it all to C-53, who has become bosom buddy to be the captain, confidant, closest person he's ever known.

I do not say.

Oh,

no, sorry,

I was doing kind of a fun recap of the past.

Was it fun?

It was fun to me, of these past years of adventure.

Was it fun?

Oh, okay.

My bad.

Yes.

Sounds like it was fun.

No bandy words with me, you cur.

I don't know that verb, so I won't.

Hey!

Yes.

That bottle way in the back, glistening light is dying.

That's that.

It's got that puss around it.

That's poison for the vermin.

Claude, I beg you.

I mean, you can.

It's technically for sale, but like, I don't see.

No.

There's just one crew.

May your vermin be killed.

Please don't.

Oh my god.

Spleen.

I told you whenever we go to bars, you must prevent Clort from drinking poison.

I promise that I will

punish myself later for letting you down.

That's not what I want.

I don't know why Clort doesn't hang on every word that you say.

Everyone should want to just hear you talk about anything.

Tell us about your taxes again.

No, no.

A pirate never tells of his deductions.

Oh, C-53,

you are the only one who understands me.

Well,

I'm honored to be in such a position, Captain Cameron.

Well,

you've given us so much.

I mean, you've made sacrifice after sacrifice, trading gleaming mechanisms for course sail.

You know, Captain Cameron, I actually find the sails quite suit me.

They do indeed, fair C-53, and though your hull is more wooden than metal these days,

still feels quite smooth.

Very kind, Captain.

It's actually almost completely working at this point.

Yes, that's true.

Really, that timeshare kind of milked us for everything we were worth.

Those contracts are true, piracy.

Yeah,

but I wanted to tell you, just thank you, and I feel like you're the being I know best in the entire galaxy.

This chain doesn't quite reach to the bar, but I'm very thirsty.

Digby,

Digby, don't make me activate the witch.

Such a spirited prisoner.

Perhaps that's the influence of its captain.

C-53.

My rod, if you weren't a ship, I'd

woo you and wed you.

Captain Cameron, please.

Please what?

Obviously, I remain a ship.

That's right.

Pity that.

Pity.

One day we will...

We will get you a frame that honors the sacrifices that you have made.

A proper

droid frame

captain don't be silly if i went into a droid frame i mean how would i cart the rest of the castaways around where would you sleep

where would i sleep indeed

i'm just asking no oh

physical space where you sleep now would be there so i yes i'm not no that makes sense right there would be no right no i'm just

we what's happening sorry well no no, it's.

It's it's fine.

What's going on?

Are we...

We doing this?

What's happening?

Uh, Captain, uh, I mean, I obviously we'd have to wait until we, you know, got another ship, uh, because if I'm in a dread.

No.

Griedrich Bartlesby the third.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Captain Cameron, Griedrich and the castaways?

Sure, yes.

If you can call them that even.

This guy's chained up.

This guy's literally falling apart.

This person's hanging on to your

coattails.

I just want to make sure they don't touch the ground.

Don't clutch them tighter.

Just beat the ship.

Is that a lurd in your beard?

That's disgusting.

It's a living.

I haven't seen you in a few years, Cameron.

I assume the Tenertian oligarchs finally tracked you down and killed you for what you did to them.

It'll take a little bit more than those dogs to stop.

Captain Kirk Cameron and the castaways.

Uh-huh.

Well, I see you've gotten a new wooden ship befitting the electrical storms here on Aquatis.

Congratulations.

Yes.

That is why

the ship is wooden.

Isn't that right, C53?

Correct.

Of course, a wooden ship capable of sailing to the northern pole of Aquatus can only mean one thing.

You're here as I am

for the bounty.

Yeah.

Yes,

the bounty.

Don't try denying it, Cameron.

I know why you're here.

You've got me.

So we agree that it is a very big bounty, then.

A big bounty?

It's the other statement of the century.

Let me put it this way.

There is not a timeshare contract, large or predatory enough that you could not easily buy your way out of it with this bounty.

Not applicable to me, but interesting.

I'm surprised you even know about it.

This is sort of top-tier bounty, and these days, Cameron, uh,

you aren't on the list, if you know what I mean.

Then why are we here, Fartlesby?

Every cool party has a couple of dweebs, you know?

That's probably it.

Well, we're not them.

Fartlesby.

How dare you?

Nobody talks to a Bartlesby that way.

Surely somebody said Fartlesby before.

Yes,

well, they do, but every time, I remind them it's not okay.

You know what?

I don't have time.

I don't have time for this.

I'm here for one reason alone.

To be butthead.

Excellent jest, Captain Carteban.

Captain Cameron, you filthy warfrat.

I shall see you on the open sea.

Yes, walk away, Bartlesby.

Keep on walking.

Did I miss when we learned of the bounty?

Digby, your cage door is open.

Can you please

close it when we're

locked lock it with a key and hide it from myself castaways we can Clort

are you taking horse tranquilizers?

Is that what you're doing?

I thought it was a mid on the ground

Clort even that would be

why would you

every time

I do appreciate that adventurous spirit Clort listen castaways Bartlesby may have put us on our heels for just a moment, but we

bag.

What we're not no digby, we won't be we're pirates.

Yes, listen, we shall learn the details of this bounty and retrieve it before Bartlesby can.

What say you, crew?

Well, you want the bounty, do you?

It's the bartender.

Ever?

Yes, bartender, we do want the bounty.

Name's Pez.

The details are on this small scroll inside my cigarillio case.

Happy to say I'd just be glad to see Bartlesby fail.

Yes.

What a deuce.

He is a deuce.

Ah, huge deuce.

Hey, oh, you finish with that cigarillio you put on the ground and then put your foot over.

I mean, yes, that's just a filter.

That's

all.

Why would you?

Oh.

Just lit it on fire and swallowed it?

That's the one thing Clark isn't allergic to

how ironic castaways to adventure and beyond.

Oh, you're coming with us?

No, no, no, I just

I mean

so

big guys, big time.

Whoa, that was an accident.

You have to believe me.

When I said I wasn't your friend and I wasn't your guard,

alas, it appears I have been consumed by the giant sandworm.

Oh, hey, well,

looks like your friends got bitten in half.

Yes, I'm afraid they have been fully masticated upon entry into this enormous beast.

Well, pull up a lump of mucosa, my friend.

You know, it takes years to be digested by one of these motherchuckers.

Almost outranic, too.

And yet, your will was not strong enough.

Luckily, I know how I will tolerate this lengthy purgatory of absorption and dissolution into nutrients and waste.

Oh, really?

How?

I shall pass the time listening to my favorite podcast, Backwater Bastards.

Oh, sweet.

Yes, it is sweet sweet indeed.

Backwater Bastards is a highly engaging actual play podcast using a custom D20-based game system.

The current campaign is Orbital Refuse, a science fiction comedy with immersive sound design featuring a human bear, a psionic jellyfish, and a sentient ship trying to survive the harsh violence of space.

Uh, what's a human?

I'm not completely certain, some sort of nonsense fictional creature, but circumstances have brought our motley heroes back to the criminal hub of mid-space where it all started, begging several questions.

Will the parasitic siege ship they abandoned catch up with them?

Will the Wraith Princess Susu use them to get back to her lost heir?

Okay, listen to find out.

I'm done.

Gameplay and rule chat are edited to create a more seamless story-style listening experience.

Nevertheless, it is still affected by the merciless outcomes of intermittent dice rolls.

Sweet, dude.

Can I cop an earbud?

Certainly.

And any others who can hear the sound of my words within the bowels of this horrific creature, you may subscribe to Backfotter Bastions for free, wherever podcasts are found.

Oh, crap.

Your battery's only at 10%.

Oh, jerk me.

Spleen!

Hoist the mizzen mast!

Where are you?

You're right behind me.

Hoist the mizzen mast.

You're right behind me.

Hoist the mizzen mast.

Would you like to do it together?

You put your hands on the mizzen mast, and then I'll put my hands over your hands.

Why would I give you the order if I wanted to do it myself, Spleen?

Why would I do that?

Yeah, you're right.

Um, not to be a downer, but Clork is in the water.

Clork!

I'm just swimming with my friends!

My shark friends!

No!

The water hurts and take out my skin!

You know, Captain Cameron, at a certain point, one must assume that Clark enjoys this.

I have that disease where you enjoy things that are bad for you.

Massacre.

I think that is accurate, Captain.

I'm having a little trouble with the missing mask.

Spleen, that's because you're...

You'll pull the rope, Spleen.

I don't have that type of upper body strength.

Not like you, Captain.

Alright, alright.

I'll do it myself.

Again, Pez, you do not have to serve us constantly.

Oh, it's in my blood.

Drink up and pay.

Alright, Natalie.

Swing the boom.

Okay!

I'll do my best!

Thank you, Natalie!

Not bad for me!

That's the yokes were!

Tears, yokes, yes, indeed!

Court!

Court, get back on the ship.

I'm not dragging you all the way to glory.

My skin is stuck with the water!

How?

I don't want to allow you,

I've just got to seek my muscular-masculine system for a little bit of time as the skin grows back.

This is

I'm not even organic, and this is a lot to look at.

Oh, I'm good.

Alright, full speed ahead to

wait.

So, what's the X on the map signify?

The X?

Yes.

Oh, that's the Safe of the Islands.

That's actually X Island.

And it's called It's also called X-Iland.

X-Iland, yes.

Where the Trezor is.

So it's an X on a map, but it's also the island itself is in the shape of an X.

Yes, most islands on the map are the shape they are.

Not all the time.

Uh, I mean, if it's a good map.

Right.

X marks the X.

Okay.

Captain, ahead.

From my cage here in the nest.

What do you see, Digby?

I see trouble.

It's an old man in a rowboat.

We're speaking to Cameron's castaways, old man.

I want to warn you of unforeseen peril to come.

Thank you.

And that was the whole warning.

Okay.

Into the storm, fellows, castaways.

Into the storm.

And around

on the house.

Yes, dispense, paz, dispense.

It certainly feels like a very big storm from my vantage.

Yes.

Honestly, a metal cage this high may not be the best.

You'll be fine, Dickie.

Groove, we have flintlock and blade.

We laugh in the face of peril.

That's right.

The old man said perils, and this is but one peril.

Wake me up when there are multiple perils happening.

Oh, now that is a complication.

Okay, now this is.

That's a sea monster.

Whoa.

Okay, more than one peril.

Ha ha!

What is it you've got when the snowman and sea monster are walking together?

Yeah, against all logic, the lightning will seem to be dodging around the sea monster, but surely that's not possible.

Okay, I just caught one in a tentacle and threw it toward the ship.

That one was really close.

Very good, Digby.

Stay strong up there.

Was I strong?

Captain, I don't think all whippets will have any match against whatever this is.

You're right, Clord.

We only have but one weapon that could destroy this massive beast.

You, Clord.

And your disease-riddled body.

Go kiss that sea monster.

But I don't know them.

I only kissed the ones that I know real will.

Well, if there's one thing we agree on on this ship, is that we always rule the day.

And also, consent is incredibly important in a relationship.

Never any excuse.

Give me a little bit of a time.

Captain, I know this may sound like suicide, but we could perhaps navigate closer to the sea monster in an attempt to give Red-Eye Clord a chance to get to know the monster so that he might engage in a distractionary romantic escapade.

Definitely.

Wheel us towards that giant sea monster so Red-Eye Clord can get acquainted.

Aye, aye, Captain.

So, what you know?

Alright, I'm red-eyed Claude.

It's because of me, Red-Eye.

You also have an eye infection as well.

You've got beautiful eyes.

That sea monster just ate red-eyed clark!

Captain, I apologize.

This is all my fault.

I never should have proposed such a reckless plan.

No.

No, steering towards a sea monster during an electrical storm was a good plan, C-53.

Captain Cameron, I don't mean to alarm you, but in steering closer towards the sea monster, I've taken us straight into

a whirlpool.

There are three things?

Why is it always three?

Once there's two, it seems like there's sort of asked to be a third for some reason.

Almost like a rule.

Captain Cameron, it's hard to keep focus on the monster since rev revolving.

Yes, I know.

Every.

We can only hit every rotation.

Wait,

you've got the spyglass.

That's a good sign.

Captain Cameron, the sea monster is lurching very recklessly.

It's gonna get caught in the whirlpool.

I'm sorry to say, but yes.

Well, does anyone want to bet on which thing takes us down?

The storm, the whirlpool, or the monster?

I'll collect the bets for you, Captain.

Who's three to one on the whirlpool destroying us?

Captain, you know Natalie's gambling addiction is strong.

This is wise.

Matty, are you sure that that's how much money you want to put in?

I forgot something about this one.

There are four problems.

I forgot about Natalie's gambling addiction.

Here, come to some

lose the folds.

Take covered, cameras castaways.

Climb aboard

crew from my vantage, I could tell that the lightning bolt blasted us free from the clutches of the whirlpool just as the monster exploded.

I'm going to the monster!

A little mini kiss is in the inside.

Very good.

And my infectious mouth caused it, you know, to explode.

Yes, almost no way for anything organic to live through that sort of dream.

No, Clort, how is it that your eyes are clear?

What?

Clear-eyed Clort.

Clear-eyed.

You mean I don't even have whatever the sense of things are called?

The people?

No pupils, no irises at all, Claude.

Nothing, just

white, like the foam on an ocean wave, Claude.

Honestly, stop looking at us, Courtney.

Yeah, very upsetting.

Very disconcerting to look at.

But I've never felt better in my life.

Well, I guess it's a good thing that the lightning bolt hit the whirlpool at the exact moment that red-eyed Claude was exiting the dead sea monster's mouth, but I don't chalk it up to luck at all.

To the skill of our crew.

Well done.

Hear, here, Captain Cameron.

This planet will have to throw much more at us to stop Cameron's castaways, eh?

Oh, great.

It's a big ocean, you know, you'd think.

Alright, here he comes.

Right next to us.

Just very nice.

No, no, no one say anything.

No one say anything.

Please, don't wave.

Don't wave.

Nobody wave.

No, everybody just wait.

Come on, wave, everybody, wave!

Please!

No, just ignore it.

I see your diseased crew member has lost his skin and his pupils.

Who is he talking about?

You.

I could be any of us, honestly.

What do you want, Bartlesby?

I just wanted to swing by and see how your crew fared with the, you know, sea monster and the whirlpool and the lightning and stuff.

We didn't have any of that over on the southeastern side.

Smooth sailing over there.

Well, congratulations.

What do you want me to say to that?

Just wanted to make sure you were still on your way to the bounty or the booty, as you filthy pirates like to call it.

Oh, we're on our way, Bottlesby.

We're headed for that booty.

And when we come calling at the booty,

don't

continue.

I order you to continue, Bottlesby.

Out of my face.

Shut up, Captain Cameron.

Why don't you shut up, man?

Fine, I'm out of here.

All ahead full, I say.

Uh, Captain Cameron, this may be unsupporting, but

what if we were to fire upon Friedrich Bartlesby's ship?

Oh, why didn't we honestly?

That should have been the first thing we I mean

and Captain, if I may so suggest, that we use the special cannonball we obtained on Kalilon 9.

The zinger?

The zinger.

Load it up.

Spleen, Clort.

Yes.

Prepare the zinger.

Are you sure, Captain?

Are we ready to Yumzi?

If not now, when?

He told us to shut up.

Everyone remember that?

It's awful.

No, I didn't like that.

Alright, we'll get to it.

Tip, top, tip, top, tip.

No, do it.

Quick.

Do it now.

They're sailing away.

Oh no, this is upwards of 11 minutes long.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

One cannonball.

Loading and

release zinger.

A direct hit by the broadside of Artaby's skiff.

Ah, yes.

The zinger.

The only cannonball that increases exponentially at mass 20 seconds after being fired.

I

can't with you two right now.

We fired the zinger.

Out, sir, sir.

We were gonna do it, but we had to do our hand.

You would do it first.

That's why

I spied Bartlesby clinging to a deckboard, waving a tiny white flag.

Well, I wonder if our brig has room for another prisoner.

No, I hate sharing it.

That's true.

It would be cruel to dig thee, sir.

Oh, and he's sunk.

Oh, good.

Ahoy, hoy, crew.

Another rival put into a watery grave.

Ha ha,

well played, one and all.

Captain Cameron, shall I resume course towards the booty?

Yes.

I mean, why not?

Far we've been down below.

What did I miss?

Oh, sort of a lot, actually.

Yeah, Pez.

Pez.

I heard some noise.

Did you miss the monster and the lightning storm?

And then when we fired the zinger, you missed all of that.

You think bathtub rum makes itself?

It's busy now.

One for you.

Always forgiven, Pez.

Fez?

Yes.

How much longer to X-Islam?

Well, I mean, you know, I just hear things in the bar, I've might have overheard

the source of the booty saying that Hex Island should be 1.14 clicks ahead.

1.1

bits whispers in the corners, you know.

Really?

And you're gonna want to attack just two degrees starboard here, C-53, and it's gonna be not the first channel.

The first channel's full of poisonous rocks.

Poisonous rocks?

Yeah, you know.

The worst kind of rock.

They'll stab through your hull and just infect all our bloods.

We'd be cloded up by dawn.

And Pez, you're not a pirate, you're a bartender.

No, I just pour drinks and make conversations.

Forward, ho!

I mean, that's usually what I say.

That's a very pirate thing.

Oh, I didn't mean to say that.

That's kind of my thing, and I'm the captain, so that's what I say when I push this here peg tap.

All right,

look alive, castaways.

We're approaching Ex-Iland.

Look at it.

You all know the days of X Island, right?

Clear eye court.

Perhaps you could regale us with some as I navigate this channel.

X Island is a mystical island known for regenerating images of your worst ex.

Oh no.

Many a sentient have been lost on such island, revisiting bad metal.

Sorry, there's something stuck in my throat.

It's a a tapeworm.

Oh, it's a giant tapeworm attached to a pirate.

Looks like a yergo.

Person got only in the water.

Perhaps.

Yeah, probably.

That was inside clort, but it's much bigger than clort.

That sort of seems like if that came out of clork, what's left inside clork?

You know what I mean?

Just from a pure volume perspective.

So, was it bad memories?

Uh, Captain Cameron, I think it may be bad memories.

Ah, yes, that makes the most sense, doesn't it?

Uh, crew, if this be true, everyone should stow below.

All right, Natalie.

I hate to leave you, Captain, but I love to get down below.

What?

I don't even.

Thank you, Pez.

Protect yourself from the bad memories.

My regular who never tips.

No, no, think not.

Who knows what havoc this island will wreak upon our minds?

Hurry up.

I guess unlock myself since I can.

Honor system, Digby.

Shimmy down the bowl.

Digby goes down.

Captain Cameron, perhaps you should get below decks as well.

I can navigate this channel alone.

No, C-53, I would not have you face these dangers by yourself.

I shall lash myself to the mast, and you will not be alone.

Whatever we do, we do together, right?

That's right, Captain.

I'm honored you've decided to weather this with me.

I'll do my best to live up to your example.

You've never failed me once, C-53.

I don't expect it to start now.

All right, let us venture into the unknown.

tightening winch

tight enough, Captain.

Really good, thanks.

And honestly, I see nothing frightening at all.

Well, Captain Cameron, it is worth considering that perhaps Clear Eye Clorked was overstating the dangers of the island.

Perhaps it was just myth.

And

Captain, are you alright?

Captain, who are they?

Tell me.

I see.

My exes.

Captain Cameron, we're going to get through this.

And remember, according to the legend, these are just visions.

You don't need to react to these at all.

They're just phantoms from your past.

Right.

Look at you there, just like usual, busy with work.

No time for love.

All right.

No time for Misty.

Oh, Misty.

Ah, what a fine ship you were.

I'm sorry, Captain Cameron,

you dated a ship named Misty?

Misty.

But it was just a fling.

Just a fling was Misty the ship.

Yeah, I was just surprised because

you know, you've said so many times that if I weren't a ship, you know.

Right, well, because it didn't go well with that ship, so

of course, yes, you know, that's why.

So, that's

why would I

okay?

So, that also has to be a ship.

It is, yes.

Yes, Yes.

Okay, um, but that's another fling.

But you left me for a catch.

Yes.

Those are two different kinds of ship.

That's right.

Just another fling.

Walter and I were engaged and then we're not.

Wait, you were eng- I'm sorry, Captain Cameron.

You were engaged to a fling?

Yes, it was a several-year fling that ended in an engagement and then a short marriage.

You know, that kind of fling.

Lashed to the mast again, I see.

That's our

life again.

That's our life.

Oh, no, not the Vargarian Jade.

You dated that Hollywood Anger name?

This was definitely a short one.

Okay, but this was a true flame.

She is insane.

One date.

That was enough.

I think you have a thing for ships.

Well, in any case, I'm sure that's all my exes, so.

But don't forget about me, Captain Cameron.

Over here,

your ex, Spleen.

Spleen, are you running alongside the banks of this channel?

If it would just go a little slower, C-53, I wouldn't have to run alongside.

Spleen, we're not, we were never, there was never anything.

We're still

Yeah, but

Captain, we seem to be clear of the the phantoms, but

see I

why would you why would you lie to me?

As you could see, I

have not had a great track record with ships, so I thought that maybe if you weren't a ship

it would work out.

I it's a stupid idea.

Captain,

I'm nothing like those other ships.

You don't know how our relationship would have gone.

I can't believe you would hide this from me.

I mean, I'm sure it looks like I have it all figured out, you know, what with my

ahoy hoys and my

catchy perfect ditties, but you know, I'm a work in progress.

I'm just

trying.

And I'm sorry if, you know, you were offended by anything I said.

So you're sorry.

Sorry, you freaked out.

Well.

No.

No.

Yeah.

Get back aboard.

Spleen, we are out of danger.

Okay.

Yes, you may get back in your cage, Digby.

I'd take a meal.

Alright, crew.

Yeah, all right.

All right, yes.

Yes, here we are at X Island.

Yes, everyone to their stations.

Now we must find the booty, okay?

Now I'm the of course, a slinger of drinks,

but uh I've heard tell that this rock face up ahead must be driven straight through.

It's impossible for it is a mirage.

Okay, Pez, before I steer myself through this supposed mirage and potentially destroy myself,

you seem like a very well-informed bartender.

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, I can tell you what goes into a

young salty aunt, a middle-aged, peppery niece, aged, spicy cousin.

But what I do know is that this rock face is in fact a waterfall reflecting the nearby rocks and can be traversed without impact and will lead us into the cavern in which the booty is stored.

So it's a test of faith, Pes.

Yes.

See, no, we won't do it.

If there's any chance that you hurt from it, we shouldn't do this, you know?

Well, I guess it's just a matter of trust, then, isn't it, Captain Cameron?

I guess.

Do I trust Pez?

Yikes.

Dig me.

Accelerating.

See, don't do this.

Don't try to prove some point.

Full speed ahead, Captain Cameron.

I don't know, it sure looks like a rock face, so Digby.

See, what are you doing?

Why?

You're driving me crazy!

driving me nuts.

Look at this.

See, you did it.

Yes, you were right.

It's...

I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life.

I mean, who knows?

I'm just uh.

Who knows?

We know, we see it.

You've gotta give yourself some credit.

Come on, man.

We never would have known.

Were you guessing, or did you actually have intel?

Great question, Spleen.

I mean, I hear a lot of things, and sometimes I say them out loud.

Look at this place.

Beautiful.

And that box on that pedestal.

That's a treasure box if I've ever seen.

Well, well, well.

But isn't Captain Cameron and this

scurvy crew?

Yeah, pay no attention.

This is just another ghost.

No, I don't think so.

It's just another ghost from X Island.

Does that mean you dated?

Yes, we did hook up a couple times.

I wouldn't call you.

Fine, yes.

Bartlesby and I hooked up.

If you thought he was a ghost, it had to have been something more serious than that.

Oh, it meant nothing.

He said he only gets serious with ships.

Oh, he's...

he's real.

How did you survive, Bartlesby?

My dad dropped off a new ship ship for me after you destroyed my old one.

Okay.

Remind all of us the backstory of who your dad is?

No, don't know.

My father, Friedrich Bartlesby II,

was the finest ship captain in the Caltaxian Navy.

When the Caltaxian Navy was destroyed by the Friedrich Bartlesby.

Wow, look at how they can predict each other's movements.

It's like they've dated seriously for years.

It was just that serious gut.

You can tell these two have short thought before.

My hand!

It chopped the whole thing off.

That's correct.

The day is mine, Cameron.

And now I shall have what's mine.

The booty.

And here it is.

What's in the box?

Oh, yeah, you don't want to just touch the Xbox.

You're gonna wanna really learn.

All the controls that you're gonna turn to dust.

Okay.

Get overtaken by the Red Ring of Death.

What?

The curse of the Xbox.

I have an idea.

I might not be able to touch the Xbox, but I know one crew member who most definitely will be able to.

Clort.

Nothing could happen to you that's worse than what has already happened to you.

That's true.

I touch toxins who've never heard about eight ingredients not known to sentient kind of every single sort of disease and etching bubble and puss you've ever imagined in your entire life.

Oh, it's

integrated, revealing a tiny baby, Rex!

Oh, he's so small!

Look!

Yes!

As a legend's told, the opener of the Xbox will become a homunculus.

What?

Pez, again.

Yes.

Wow.

I mean, Pez, have you done formal research on this?

How would you know all this?

Does Anyone need a rum or anything?

I'm just here to serve.

I can start over again.

I've never felt so clean and healthy before.

Looking at the world through the eyes of a tiny Thor.

Immediately

the ashes of her.

Bright-eyed Clork, no.

Oh, bright-eyed Clork, don't.

Wait, the box.

It's starting to open.

Alright, this is it, crew.

The biggest treasure we've ever found.

Wow, maybe it tells where my family is.

Will be

doubtful, Digby.

That's the biggest treasure we've ever found.

I don't think so.

Digby's biggest treasure is family.

It's pretty sad.

That seems nice, huh?

This will put Cameron's castaways in the history books.

It's just another map.

It's a map to something called

the Binocron.

You've discovered a map, Captain.

Congratulations!

Now it's Pez's fault?

Well, you seem to know about the Red Ring of Death, but you didn't know that the treasure's actually a map?

I knew where it is.

I don't know what it is.

No, I've never heard about this thing.

Well, gang,

I'll tell you this: legends have all told that it would be perhaps a map.

What?

It was rumored to be a map.

It is a map.

But a map not just to a normal thing, but to the most powerful entity in the galaxy.

Or so I've heard.

Who needs a drink?

I do.

See, scan this map.

Now we have another quest to go on.

Another treasure to find.

Captain Cameron, you're not honestly suggesting we take off and try to find whatever's at the end of this map.

I mean, that's the job, am I right?

Who's with me?

It's the job.

I'm always with you, Captain.

I know.

You're kind of in my armpit, right?

I don't think I can leave.

You're a prisoner, that's right, Digby.

This is what we do.

We follow maps.

Yeah, fine.

Listen, this is it.

This is the big one.

Okay, we'll need a ship that can go to space, so all we have to do is get back to the harbor, and then we'll book passage off this planet, and we'll get the bounty.

Captain Cameron, right.

Where am I supposed to go?

Understood, understood.

Okay, we can come back for you once we get the bounty.

I'm your ship.

Okay,

then let me just get your cube and we'll take it along with us.

I don't want to be your paperweight.

Why do you

labels?

It's the labels, man.

It's that's the.

We're all making sacrifices.

I mean, Cork just burned up into a baby.

No, you're the only one not making sacrifices.

I don't have a hand.

We've all sacrificed.

Wait a minute.

Is that one of my banisters?

Did you stuck the banister ball off the end of your hand?

Just the knob.

Oh, come on.

Just the end of it.

Well, best of luck with your new hand, Captain Cameron.

Why don't you see if you can figure out how to get back to the harbor on your own?

So, what are you gonna do?

You're just gonna leave us all here on X Island?

Yeah, maybe I will.

Maybe it's time for C-53 to find out who he is if he's not Captain Cameron's faithful ship.

The one he could never be with because he's a ship.

You're just gonna leave us, you're gonna strand us on this island, where it seems like there's only ghosts and one bar.

Yeah.

But what will we call ourselves?

Well, I mean, Bigby.

Bigby.

Think, just think.

You know?

Yes.

Yeah.

No, we wouldn't.

No, Claude.

I actually like X-Factor.

Maybe that is.

You finally are in the position where Cameron's cast device makes sense.

It feels on the nose now.

That sounds kind of vague.

What about something strong like X-Force?

I mean, it's got a ring to it.

Well, Natalie's nerdy wells, we are then.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Yeah, go ahead and go.

You know, we'll find another ship, a better ship.

You have been cast out of the castaways.

Or wait, ne'er do wells, do we?

Yeah, fine, fine, Captain Cameron.

Now that I'm not holding my tongue anymore, I'll say it.

You don't have the range.

How dare you?

How dare you?

I do have the rage.

I have the rage.

Keep telling yourself that.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, T53.

All right,

deserted on an island.

Not the first time it's happened to old Captain Cameron, and it won't be the last.

I guess we're gonna have to figure out some shelter for tonight, so

and his castaways.

It is I, Admiral Griedrich Bartlesby II, along with a small armada of several dozen galleons

in my command.

Oh, your son was telling of you.

Oh, he's.

Speaking of which, have you seen my son, Griedrich Bartlesby the second?

Because if any harm has befallen them, I tell you right now, you shall meet a very painful end, each and every one of you.

Right, disintegrated pile of ash,

Natalie.

It wasn't the captain, it was C-53 who'd done it.

No, they're not done, nothing's been done, though.

So,

tell it to the Inquisitors,

shackle them all, and throw them into the brig of pain.

At least we're together, right?

Captain, can't remember?

I should have left him years ago.

I don't need a captain.

I don't need a crew of C-53

on my own ship.

You know what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna work as a tug for a little while and I'm gonna save up some money and then I'll get my engines back and I'm going straight to space and I'm here.

Wait a minute.

Are those monarchy dreadnoughts?

I better.

He didn't see me at all.

It went straight by me.

Straight back

to the captain.

I better.

I'll be captured as soon as I turn around.

Captain,

forgive me.

See?

C-53.

Hey, robot man.

You're okay.

I am.

Oh, thank God.

I know we're beating this.

Whoa.

Cody owes me an email.

C-53, finest ship on the bay.

None can compare with this technology.

Hyper-proton not needed to sail faster he 52 down to one, he's the king of the sea

The captain throughout ultramillion is feared Stands tall with a ferrid lure tucked in his beard Cigarette lit in his sumptuous lips Evading his taxes on piratey ships

And we'll go

sailing for croon and the high seas will roam From six to Quantaris will never go home With bread and my pearly on the wide open sea,

sailing for croon with C-53,

sailing for croon, the captain and queen.

No monarch or navy tells us where to sail.

Whether smuggling bird milk or cut off lurred tails, when our crew through the cosmos is hunted and chased, we'll yell full sail, see, show the meaning of haste, and we'll go.

Sailing for croon in the high seas, we'll roam.

From Zix to Quantaris, we'll never go home.

With Berth and my Bern on the wide open sea,

sailing for croon, it's C53,

sailing for croon, the captain and me.

Jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower, jump tower.

C and the captain, they keep it real tight.

Bending their friendship is never in sight.

Their bond is unbroken and never will fray.

Unfathomable, either could ever betray.

Our crew is both whack as hell and fresh as hack.

We fear not the seaman, not even the kirk.

When someone cries, Rod, are we going home soon?

We'll shout to the sea, no, we're sailing for croon

and we'll go.

Sailing for croon on the high seas, we'll roam from zix to Quantaurus, we'll never go home.

With good and my belly on the wide open sea, sailing for croon with C-53,

sailing for croon, the captain and me,

sailing for crew on the high seas we roam.

From six to quans Horace will never go home.

Good and my pearly on the wide open sea,

sailing for crew sea fifty-three,

sailing for croon, the captain and me,

sailing for crew, the captain and me,

sailing for crew,

the captain and me.

Hey there, congratulations!

Your data has been almost completely restored.

However, the following data block is totally corrupted and makes no gosh darn sense to me.

Full of names and places that sound like complete gibberish.

But here it is anyway.

Captain Captain Kirk Cameron, Osen Wexley and AJ were played by Winston Noel.

C-53, SEA-53 and Marquee Enforcer were played by Jeremy Bent.

Red-Eye Clort, the Snobby Swabby, and the Bargerian Jade were played by Mujan Zolfagari.

Spleen, Coxwain Smithers, Dar and Other Dar were played by Ellie Kokesh.

Digby, Pez the Bartender, the Armenian Rigmate, and Nermit Bundaloy were played by Seth Lynn.

Natalie the Lern, Armenian Captain Musseltwaite, Friedrich Bartlesby III and and Friedrich Bartlesby II were played by Alden Ford.

First mate of the Ship of the Babets was played by Shane O'Connell.

The original sea shanty The Captain and Me was written and performed by Stephen Chakowski, featuring Colin Ford on guitar and banjo, Liz Hanley on fiddle, Anna Culloton on Bowrin, Kevin Crawford on Low Whistle and Gregory Green on Abordian.

This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell, plus additional music by Shane O'Connell.

Team music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by Fain's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor.

Ship designed for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Jay's one word was weirder than the next.

Oh, and one more thing.

Local data block 0014G1128 is different from the one on your Ronka Cloud backup.

Would you like to keep the original, overwrite, or keep both?

Hey, up to you.

None of my business.

Hi, I'm Biz, host of One Bad Mother.

Whether you're a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent.

I signed my stepson up for a camp that is actually in another state.

I feel really stupid, and I don't think we're going to get the money back.

And then he found out that the car manual is a book about cars.

So now he's reading our car manual.

We have.

so join us each week as we judge less have more and remind you that you are doing a great job download one bad mother on maximum fun.org and yes there will be swears

hey there beautiful people i'm travelle anderson and i'm jared hill we are the hosts of fantai the show where we have complex and complicado conversations about the gray areas in our lives the things that we really really love sometimes, but also have some problematic feelings about.

Yes, we get into it all.

You want to know our thoughts about Nikki Minaj and all her foolishness?

We got you.

You want to know our thoughts about gentrification and perhaps some positive question mark aspects of gentrification?

We get into that too.

Every single Thursday, you can check us out at maximumfun.org.

Listen, you know you want it, honey.

So come on and get it.

Period.

MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist owned.

Audience supported.

Ha ha!

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

And C53, you may call us your new family.

Does the crew have like a name?

Like a, you know,

like our gang name.

Like the Merry Man or the Lost Boys or something like that.

Cameron's

Castaways.

Cameron's Castaways.

Castaways.

Cameron's Castaways sounds like the band at

like a Key West bar.

Yeah.

Oh, there is a band band.

And you can call us Cameron's Castaways.

It's a working title.

I love it.

That sounds good to me.

We used to be a wedding band.