Mission to D-Syxx

Speaker 1 Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Alden Ford here with the crew of Mission to Zix.
Hello. Hi.
Welcome to our final one-shot podcast in the lead-up to the Young Old Derf Chronicles.

Speaker 1 We've decided to do something a little bit different, which is to fulfill a request that we've actually gotten dozens of times over the years, and especially as we were soliciting pitches for these one-shots, we're going to do an actual play one-shot podcast.

Speaker 1 And we thought, what better way to do that than to do a D ⁇ D one-shot with our characters from 419, the Legumis.

Speaker 1 I will be DM today, and the rest of the crew will be their Legumis characters. And you may notice Justin Tyler is here, who is not in 419, but he is going to be an extra special guest star.

Speaker 1 Do any of you guys have any questions about how to play the game? I have

Speaker 1 an only question.

Speaker 1 As has become tradition on this show during these one-shots, we've decided to outsource the work to the people with the least experience doing it.

Speaker 1 I'm DMing, even though I have very, very little experience with Dungeons and Dragons. Jeremy has tons.

Speaker 1 Playing since I was 10 years old. Yeah, and he was like, would you like me to DM? And I was like, I'm good.
I'm good. I got this.

Speaker 1 Much like last month with the Halloween episode,

Speaker 1 why? Let someone who knows how to do it do it when you could do it when you don't know what you're talking about. Halloween, very easy to know how to do, but I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and yet, and yet,

Speaker 1 well, we're very excited about this one, and I'm very nervous, but I'm excited. It's going to be fun.
You're going to be great. It's going to be great.
It's really good. It's going to be really great.

Speaker 1 So, just a quick recap, in case it's been three years since you listened to 419, this takes place about 10,000 years before the events of Mission to Zix,

Speaker 1 where our intrepid legumis have successfully defeated Rangus the Wizard in his bid to become the All Wheat, essentially.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they have now become a sort of roving band of adventurers.

Speaker 1 Did somebody say band?

Speaker 1 Oh, boy. Here we go.
Cool.

Speaker 1 Winston is recording. Slide into frame from the side.

Speaker 1 Winston is recording at Shane's apartment today, which means that he has access to all of Shane's instruments. What a treat.

Speaker 1 We're always adding stuff in posts, but can we actually take out annoyance in posts?

Speaker 1 Is that it all? All right.

Speaker 1 Let's get started. Is everybody ready? Does everybody have their dice/slash dice apps

Speaker 1 turned on and loaded up? Okay. Here goes nothing.
Enjoy, please. Or don't.

Speaker 1 Enjoy, please.

Speaker 1 Please, clap. Please clap.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the first and probably only episode of Mission 2D6,

Speaker 1 a Legumi's Dungeon Adventure.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 that title.

Speaker 1 Yes, very good title. That one was actually suggested by Santeria on Discord, and I could not beat it, so that had to be the one.

Speaker 1 Also, just a heads up, we have some fun names in here for NPCs and other people suggested on Instagram.

Speaker 1 So if you hear a name you suggested, congratulations, your checks in the mail. Social media works for you.

Speaker 1 For you.

Speaker 1 For you. All right, here we go.
Mission to D6, a Legumi's Dungeon Adventure.

Speaker 1 Dawn breaks in the quiet hamlet of West Clamley. Rhodos, in his infinite wisdom and glory, has blessed this day anew with the light of the sun, or whatever.

Speaker 1 As the morning sunlight pours into the windows of the Three Fawns Inn, five adventurers rise from their beds. Quariel, the valiant and devout paladin.
Samzes, the prolific and romantic elfin bard,

Speaker 1 Gigli, the fearsome dwarven fighter of Clan Benifer, Booketh, the mysterious witch of noble lineage,

Speaker 1 and Duane the Orc Johnson, an enormous warrior with the smallest brain and largest bisepticus in the land.

Speaker 1 Your party, the Legumis, have been traveling the countryside, exploring, taking bounties, and helping those in need.

Speaker 1 You've spent the night at the Three Fawns on your way to Edisport to meet with a druid's apprentice named Punchy Gibbons, who has promised you a hefty purse for finding a lost book of runes.

Speaker 1 As you pack your humble belongings and prepare to set out, you make a shocking discovery.

Speaker 1 Petra, physical therapist and Bookett's roommate, is nowhere to be found.

Speaker 1 Her bed is unmade, her possessions untouched. There are no obvious signs of a struggle.
But the window to her room is wide open, the morning breeze sending an unsettling chill into the room.

Speaker 1 Booket senses traces of magic lingering on the windowsill.

Speaker 1 A Jew! I'm allergic to it!

Speaker 1 You rush downstairs to find. You are allergic to magic, and yet you practice it.

Speaker 3 It's a cruel fight.

Speaker 1 You rush downstairs to find the innkeeper, Scrimp Crimble,

Speaker 1 mournfully trudging back from his small farmhouse down the hill.

Speaker 1 He says, It says Goblin Raiders again. Snatched up most of my Garfons in a whole keg of me finest or in jail.
It'll have to be raw barley and pond water for brunch, I'm afraid.

Speaker 1 Although I do still have stuff for mimosas. Did you lot hear anything in the night? So you're saying you are out of orange ale? Yeah, no orange ale.
I do have a... But mimosas are on the table?

Speaker 1 Sparkling wine and orange juice, yes, always.

Speaker 3 I was sleeping all food tonight and I heard nothing.

Speaker 1 Is this her accent? Am I messing? Is it she? That's about right.

Speaker 1 Too late. Commit.
Commit.

Speaker 3 Rushy is is this?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Didn't there used to be six of you? Drop dead, gorgeous young lady, if you don't mind my saying so, rode here on a cow.

Speaker 3 Oh, you're talking to me?

Speaker 1 To you, but about Petra.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there used to be six of you checked in, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, there used to be six, but of this warming warning, there's only five.

Speaker 1 Accents are very thick. They're thickening right now.

Speaker 1 Hard to understand.

Speaker 1 I don't mean to pry, but. Sometimes when people from a particular region return to the region they are from, the accent grows stronger.
No, sorry, no.

Speaker 3 Sorry, this is just me morning voice. I just got to stretch a little and it becomes a bit more

Speaker 1 legible.

Speaker 1 Legible.

Speaker 1 Scrimp Crimbly,

Speaker 1 are you suggesting these goblins taking Petra?

Speaker 1 Oh no, she's missing.

Speaker 1 Seems they're getting bolder. They ain't never kidnapped no one before, although I wouldn't put it past them.
You're suggesting goblins came in through a window and took her out? You're right.

Speaker 1 Bugroblins are the smash and grab type. They couldn't have gotten through one of my windows without us all hearing it.
Who has perception? Who's smart? Does anyone have perception?

Speaker 1 Everyone has perception. Yeah, but who has like high perception?

Speaker 1 Let me check. I I noticed Gigly has no charisma of any sort.

Speaker 1 You all have character sheets with this information. Yeah.
So perception is a wisdom check. Wisdom.
I have negative one wisdom.

Speaker 1 Ironically, Dwayne the Orc Johnson has high perception. Dwayne gets a plus three to perception checks.

Speaker 2 You're not too smart.

Speaker 1 So very true.

Speaker 1 Would it make sense for Allie to roll a perception check and see if we notice anything in the

Speaker 1 room? Petra's room or

Speaker 1 okay, sure. You're outside with Scrimp Crimble.
Do you want to go back upstairs and look at the room?

Speaker 2 Maybe just Dwayne will go upstairs and look at the room.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 2 19.

Speaker 1 Is that with the plus three?

Speaker 2 No, now with the plus three, it's 22. 22.

Speaker 2 Okay, great. So you make me do addition on the spot.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 So that's a great. Sorry, Dwayne.
Sorry, Dwayne. So

Speaker 1 everybody sticks around and hangs out, shoots the shit with Scrimp Crimbley

Speaker 1 while Dwayne.

Speaker 1 Is it like bottomless or do we have to pay for two? Like, what's the deal? It's all included in the rate. You're all good.

Speaker 3 Zortek for my elegies.

Speaker 1 I think all of them. And then we don't have to listen to this part, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, everyone tells you you guys. This is happening off-screen.
Wait, you don't have any one? Zortek.

Speaker 1 Zortek. So,

Speaker 1 Dwayne the Ork Johnson lumbers upstairs and takes another look at the room with his excellent perception.

Speaker 1 And although his intelligence is very low, so he can't really understand what he's seeing, he does notice that not only is there magic, sort of a residue of magic in the room, but it's very clear that the window is not even really meant to be opened anyway, and it's wide open.

Speaker 1 So it's almost as though the

Speaker 1 window was magically lifted up.

Speaker 1 Also, you look around the room and don't see anything out of place besides the fact that whoever was in there just disappeared.

Speaker 2 Can I look under the bed?

Speaker 1 Sure. You look under the bed and see Petra's foldable physical therapy sports medicine massage table, which is.
She would never go anywhere without that. Nope, nope, nope.
A telling clue.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly. It's almost as though she just ceased to exist.

Speaker 1 There's no indication that she went willingly or unwillingly. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 But I did grab something on my way back down the stair.

Speaker 1 Great.

Speaker 1 Yay!

Speaker 2 I lumber back down the stairs.

Speaker 1 We're all drinking mimosas.

Speaker 1 Perhaps all of you are drinking mimosas, but Rhodos. Oh, yeah, no, you guys are in Midanon.
You can't drink mimosa. Rhodos the Sunlighter forbids

Speaker 1 the mimosas. Right.

Speaker 2 We're in Midanon, yeah. And I tell you what

Speaker 2 I managed to see.

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 1 So Scrimp Crimbley's expression darkens and he shakes his head. He says, I ain't never heard I'm goblins using magic.
It's just as I feared. They was working with someone.

Speaker 1 He glances around nervously and he lowers his voice and he says, Here's some folks that think they're nomads, but I think they've got a hideout nearby. They're planning something.

Speaker 1 I don't know what, but I can feel it. If they're nomads, what are they then?

Speaker 1 Sorry? What?

Speaker 1 But I'm saying they are not mad, so what are they? A nomad is a wanderer. Ah, yeah.
Extinguish your pipe.

Speaker 1 Yes, you have taken far too much pipe weed, Saint Jesus.

Speaker 1 I'm good, man.

Speaker 1 It is far too early in the day to engage in such a thing.

Speaker 1 Whatever, man.

Speaker 1 We should.

Speaker 1 So I guess we go find these. Where are these goblins at, man?

Speaker 1 Dimension 420, am I right?

Speaker 1 So Scrimp looks around and he says,

Speaker 1 I ain't never seen them. I don't know where they are, but they raid different these days.
Every fortnight they'll hit one of us here on the hill, organized like they're following orders.

Speaker 1 And they don't just steal food like they used to. Now they've taken coal from the blacksmith, glass from the alchemist, artifacts from the chapels and the shrines.
Glass for goblins.

Speaker 1 What do you suppose goblins need with all that?

Speaker 1 And they're not mad, so

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 But I'll tell you one thing: someone's got to do something about these goblins and get to the bottom of whatever it is they're brewing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, someone does.

Speaker 1 I hope you find a group willing to do it. You best rescue that absolute smoke show, Petra.
Again, just an observation. I don't mean to objectify her.

Speaker 3 That feels a little rude because I was her roommate and no one's ever said that about me.

Speaker 1 It's not regular.

Speaker 3 It's just hot Petra this and hot Petra that

Speaker 1 I feel as though before today I have never heard the phrase hot Petra.

Speaker 1 Box some hot Petra this and as you take a moment to figure out your first move Before you can make a decision, you hear a sound behind you like scrabbling footsteps on the cobble.

Speaker 1 And it's a a large shaved poodle with a halfling riding it.

Speaker 1 Booket recognizes him as Larry, a halfling who went to uni with her and Petra. Larry!

Speaker 1 Larry hops down off his poodle with a flourish.

Speaker 1 Larry! Oi!

Speaker 3 Oi! Oi! Let's do that! Let's do the handshake we always do!

Speaker 1 Yeah!

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 I should remind you, Bookett, that you don't like Larry.

Speaker 1 As has been

Speaker 1 slapped his hand away at the end of that handshake

Speaker 1 at the end of the Legumi's it's Cruck, not Juck.

Speaker 3 Crock you, Larry!

Speaker 1 You know what? In the middle of our shake! She really set him up. Oh, man, I have such handshake blue balls.

Speaker 1 Well, what brings you here, Larry?

Speaker 1 Ah, Poodle needed a break. Too much riding the range.
I don't think that's what we mean.

Speaker 1 We have heard much of you, Larry, but none of us have ever encountered you before. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Other than Bookett, of course. Yes.
And I'm gonna mend some fences, Bookett. I mean, literally, that's part of my job as a roving fence mender.

Speaker 1 Well, this is kind of a terrible coincidence, but your other friend from uni, Petra, has vanished. Petra?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Man, I was.

Speaker 2 Perhaps you you remember hot, buxom Petra.

Speaker 1 No! Not that.

Speaker 1 The wood carvings I've made of Petra? Like, I covered my walls, so I get it. This is crazy.
I was coming to propose to her. She's gone.
Wow. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Wow. She is gone.

Speaker 1 Disappeared. It's very mysterious.
Really?

Speaker 1 We think we might be gone.

Speaker 1 You think I

Speaker 1 kidnapped Petra? I I wanted to kidnap her legally for my life.

Speaker 1 You think he kidnapped her to propose to her and then has hidden her away?

Speaker 3 That sounds

Speaker 1 he's done that before, I won't lie. Hmm, has he? Yes, I have.

Speaker 3 Back at Yuni. He was a Hasselberry, he was.

Speaker 2 And you all know what Haszleberries are.

Speaker 1 No. Yes.
No.

Speaker 1 Sort of a cad, you know. Oh,

Speaker 2 I didn't go to Yuni, so.

Speaker 1 A Cadbury. Yeah, it's a Cadbury egg.
I was sort of crooking around. You know what it's like to crock around a little bit? Larry, we do want to find Petra.
Right, everyone?

Speaker 1 She is our friend, and we don't want to have her kidnapped by goblins or, you know, something. Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 She was tertiary at best to our adventures, but dear to our hearts. Does anyone have any sort of tracking skills? Hmm.
Hmm, let me. Is that a skill?

Speaker 1 Me, look.

Speaker 1 Rhodos the Sunlighter has not seemed to gift me with such a skill.

Speaker 3 I have Zero Charisma.

Speaker 1 We know.

Speaker 1 Is that just a statement?

Speaker 1 What would tracking... And somebody who knows how to play, what would tracking...

Speaker 1 It's up to you guys. I think one of you may have some additional information.

Speaker 1 One of us. Not to make it.

Speaker 1 So, Larry!

Speaker 1 Do you know anything about these goblins? You smell of pipeweed.

Speaker 1 Man,

Speaker 1 what I do in the morning sort of a wake us and bacus. I'm a musician, man.
Yeah, I could tell.

Speaker 1 I have noticed, now that you mention it, I have noticed some activity here.

Speaker 1 As I'm out mending fences on my way, there was a

Speaker 1 wagon that came through here. Normal so far.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Being pulled by two bug bears.

Speaker 1 Less normal. Yes, starting to get weird.
It disappeared into the Bringlepore Forest.

Speaker 1 I was out early doing, you know, morning stuff. And

Speaker 1 I hear you.

Speaker 2 Awakis and Bacchus?

Speaker 1 A little wake us in Bacchus. Takes the edge off.
Wake us Bacus. Take us the edge off.
Just before daybreak,

Speaker 1 you know, I noticed it at the edge of my perception. I didn't want to get involved.
I'm just a lonely man. And Crumbles here, my shaved poodle, was getting a little tetchy from the pipe weed.

Speaker 1 So I didn't do anything, but

Speaker 1 Crumbles is my shaved poodle. I shaved the poodle to keep it a little more like badass.

Speaker 1 It's more horse-like, if that's what you're asking. Exactly.
Someday I look forward. It looks cold.

Speaker 1 It's just dragging its butt all around.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's its diet is bad. The Crumbles diet is bad.
Well, poodles are notoriously sensitive.

Speaker 1 My diet's bad, really. We share the same stuff all the time.
And you're a fence mender? That's your job? Yeah, and thief. I should have led thief, but I am both.
I won't rob you guys, though.

Speaker 1 Very well.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, where did this wagon went to the

Speaker 1 into the forest? Do you remember where in the wood they entered? Or perhaps Crumbles would smell it? Yes, Crumbles is Beverares, like plus two nostrils for smelling.

Speaker 1 I think that's right. I think that's right from a biological standpoint.
You're saying Crumbles has plus two nostrils over the standard number of nostrils? Yes, exactly. Yes, four nostrils.
Four.

Speaker 2 Maybe you can make it up to Book It and to Petra by helping us find Petra.

Speaker 1 I throw my lot in with you. Hurrah!

Speaker 1 Hurrah!

Speaker 1 Our fellowship has grown.

Speaker 1 Welcome to our fellowship. This is like a family.
We are not related, but we care about each other.

Speaker 1 I like how it doesn't rhyme. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's an off-rhyme. It's an off-rhyme.
Very. It is?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 It's a slant rhyme. What is the slant rhyme? Yeah.
Other and family? Yes.

Speaker 1 Very close to rhyming. Other, family.
Slanted and enchanted.

Speaker 1 You may leave this rhyme on the pavement, I'm afraid. All right, so Larry, you've got 10 wisdom, but I do agree, if your dog can help you track,

Speaker 1 I'm going to give you plus two to a perception check, or if tracking check on that. Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 1 Shall I roll a D20? Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 I got a one.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 But Larry is a halfling, and they are lucky, which means they re-roll ones. Oh,

Speaker 1 wow. Jeremy.
My man. Great.

Speaker 1 Here we go. Can't get worse than one.

Speaker 1 11, 2-1.

Speaker 1 That's 2-1.

Speaker 1 Roll it twice.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's beautiful. So that's 11 plus 2 is 13.

Speaker 1 Great. You found the trail.

Speaker 1 Yay! Great job. Well, I guess I should say crumbles, crumbles is.
Great work, crumbles. Here's a chance.
We found a lovely trail. I think we shall prevail.
Is that enough rhyming for you? Love it.

Speaker 1 Love it.

Speaker 1 That was a rhyme. That was arguably too much.
A bard with a bad attitude. He's got revenge on his mind.
No, it's just the way Goodbake has turned. I'm like, man.

Speaker 1 Paranoia.

Speaker 1 You're not a nomad. You're just a man.

Speaker 1 Nomad. I'm now mad.
He's a now.

Speaker 1 All right, so

Speaker 1 you follow the wagon's tracks several long miles northeast into the Bringlepore forest.

Speaker 1 The canopy thickens, splitting the sunlight into shimmering golden shafts, and the evergreen needles on the ground give way to lush green moss, which dampens your footsteps and leads an eerie silence to your journey.

Speaker 1 As you follow the tracks, you begin to to notice other trails converging with yours. Wherever you're headed, it seems many paths lead here.

Speaker 1 The elevation changes, and you find yourself climbing a gentle slope towards a clearing in the forest. You slow your pace as you approach, and you see the wagon Larry glimpsed this morning empty.

Speaker 1 Next to an ancient ruin of a small temple or chapel of some kind to your north, bathed in dappled sunlight.

Speaker 1 Now fully overtaken by vines and moss, much of its roof and walls have fully collapsed, and the foliage obscures any obvious means of ingress.

Speaker 1 But the trail you've been following leads straight to this ruined building, fanning out into well-worn paths that circle all around it.

Speaker 1 What are you going to do? If you go any further, you're going to sort of be in the clearing. So you're sort of in cover right now, so you got to decide what your next move is going to be.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy, this moss is freaking me out. It's too much.
It's everywhere.

Speaker 1 Okay, so do we. So we need to.
If we enter the clearing, we'll be exposed to attack.

Speaker 2 Do we think Dwayne

Speaker 2 could rip off a large enough section to carry as cover sort of the clearing?

Speaker 1 A section of what? Like moss tree?

Speaker 1 Of moss tree.

Speaker 1 Like a giant branch. Oh, of moss.
But you'd have to cross the clearing to get to it.

Speaker 1 I have a feeling arrows are about to come our way. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who has stealth? Does anyone have stealth?

Speaker 1 Everybody's got stealth, right? No, but I think you'll find Larry is quite good at sneaking around.

Speaker 1 Yep, as a thief, as the resident thief, this is

Speaker 1 Larry.

Speaker 1 Probably Larry Jeff. Yep.
Oh, wait. I got seven, plus seven for stealth.

Speaker 1 I also plus five for sleight of hand, so I could do some table magic while we're waiting.

Speaker 1 So, what's the plan? Um, I'll sneak around, I'll sneak around back. Just see what's up, see if there's an entrance, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay, and the rest of us, can we start to unsheathe our weapons and sort of get ready in case something goes down, right? Okay, sure. I pull out my

Speaker 1 dagger. Cool.
Cool.

Speaker 1 And my tambourine.

Speaker 1 Oh, great. You better, if you're rolling a stealth check, you don't want to have a tampon.
Rhythm and blues is what I call them.

Speaker 1 Perfect. So, so you're splitting up.
So Larry's going alone, just to be clear. Bye, bye, Larry.

Speaker 3 Good luck. And I don't mean it.

Speaker 1 wow is it worth um jigli also has good stealth is it worth like to circle around to see if there's an entrance yeah you could go the other direction yeah

Speaker 1 you're splitting up twice okay

Speaker 1 great double split

Speaker 1 so yeah let's split the party six ways wait hold on hold on

Speaker 3 i noticed in my photo i have the power of fire in my hands could i just burn it all down

Speaker 1 the whole temple burn the speed

Speaker 1 the whole the whole woods. Could you or should you? Yeah, I mean, you can, but...

Speaker 3 I was just doing a little temp check. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Regrettably, you don't seem to have any fire spells. You have Ray of Frost and Magic Missile, which is sort of a force-based attack.

Speaker 1 Frosty. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right, let's keep our... Let's keep...
I'll keep rhythm and blues handy, and the rest of you keep your weapons handy, and we'll be ready to go. So ready one of my trusty javelins.

Speaker 1 So, the temple is here north. Larry, are you going east or west?

Speaker 1 Uh, west.

Speaker 1 Larry's going west. Jigly to the east.
Uh, Jiggly is going east.

Speaker 1 Okay, we'll go with Larry first.

Speaker 1 Since you're in the open, I'm gonna call this a 15 stealth chat.

Speaker 1 Okay, great.

Speaker 1 I got a three.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 okay, so wait, it's three plus seven. Seven plus mid.
That's pretty mid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's it's mid for rolling a three, but it's still not a success. All right.

Speaker 1 So Larry, Larry, uh, Larry winks, uh, gives a little to his party, and uh, confidently, confidently waltzes out of the clearing and immediately steps on a branch that makes a resounding crack.

Speaker 1 The one branch in all this moss? What is it? Yeah, the one branch.

Speaker 1 Not worried about him pickpocketing me anymore.

Speaker 1 Everybody freezes,

Speaker 1 and you hear what is clearly supposed to sound like a bird, but is not. A sort of

Speaker 1 from around the corner of the building.

Speaker 2 Ooh, who can identify that one?

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 Justin,

Speaker 1 I'm going to say you're going to have to roll an athletics check to get to some cover here pretty quick. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm going to call this a DC 12. 12.

Speaker 1 I got a 4. Go home.

Speaker 1 All right. We got to get some better dice, brother.

Speaker 1 I don't know. What is it? So,

Speaker 1 the four of you watch as Larry does an impressive cartwheel to try to get off of the stick and immediately trips over another stone.

Speaker 1 Minefield, guys,

Speaker 1 you're very careful out here.

Speaker 1 You're looking at Larry and over the ridge of the ruined ruined roof of the temple, two goblin archers come

Speaker 1 up. They're standing on the roof keeping watch and they see Larry.

Speaker 1 Great job, everybody. We've reached our first combat session.

Speaker 1 Everybody roll for initiative.

Speaker 2 Should we also be rolling to see how stealthily we are laughing at Larry?

Speaker 1 Well, I think, and Jeremy, you can weigh in on this.

Speaker 1 One of your options while in combat can be to hide, right? Like, you don't have to. Yeah, like you don't have to fight.
Yeah, yeah. I guess let's all roll for initiative.
Uh, so I have rolled a 19.

Speaker 1 God. Nice.
I rolled a 15.

Speaker 1 Uh, Allie?

Speaker 2 Six.

Speaker 1 Is that with your bonus?

Speaker 2 It is not.

Speaker 1 So seven.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Book it. 15.
Um.

Speaker 1 15.

Speaker 2 With bonus.

Speaker 1 Okay. Larry? 11 plus 3.
14.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Still medium. It's my highest roll.
And

Speaker 1 Seth is not in this. He's already gone around.
All right. That's good, because I rolled a one.

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 you fall backwards into the clearing.

Speaker 1 So, Coriel, you're actually up first with 19. How would you like to do? How far is the ruined building? So the ruined building is about 20 yards from the clearing, so for where you guys are.

Speaker 1 And then they're on the top of the roof, so I'd say about 35 yards.

Speaker 1 Okay. So about 100 feet.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Then I am,

Speaker 1 so I have javelins.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I have disadvantage if I throw it at this range, but I'm going to try anyway. Okay.

Speaker 1 Disadvantage is rolling twice and choosing the worst of the two.

Speaker 1 But let's give it a shot. Why do you have disadvantage? Because I'm throwing this javelin at like a range, at this range.
Okay.

Speaker 1 If I'm within 30 feet, you just throw it like normal, but at this range, you're really hawking this bad boy. I'm basically trying to nail a goblin in like an Olympic javelin.

Speaker 1 Rodos, guide my shaft. Yes.
Rhodos, the sunlighter.

Speaker 1 May my javelin travel as straight as true as one of the beams of your mighty blazing light.

Speaker 1 I only got to get plus one for that. Okay, all right.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I rolled a 15 and a three.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 so even with the plus one, I would have an eight to hit, which will probably not hit that goblin.

Speaker 1 All right, armor class is 15. Yeah, I was going to say there's not a chance I would hit them with an eight.

Speaker 1 So the javelin goes wide, and the goblin turns his focus from Larry over to the woods where you guys are and points at the other one.

Speaker 1 My apologies. Unfortunately, the other one is already taking aim at

Speaker 1 Larry, who is sprawled on the ground.

Speaker 1 And he

Speaker 1 shoots with his short bow,

Speaker 1 which is okay, plus four to hit.

Speaker 1 All right, so,

Speaker 1 oh, it misses, thuds into a rotten log right next to you. The goblin goes,

Speaker 1 which probably means shit.

Speaker 2 Do any of the splinters from the rotten log land in the goblin's skin?

Speaker 1 He's about 100 feet away, so I don't think so. He'd have to be shooting.
The arrow would have to be going pretty quickly.

Speaker 1 Fair enough. No bad questions, Dwayne.

Speaker 1 Okay. Book it.
You're next. What do you want to do?

Speaker 3 So I've go...

Speaker 2 I'm going to speak like this.

Speaker 1 I got a quarter sash

Speaker 2 and a dagger.

Speaker 1 Yeah, your range stuff is all magic. So, um.
Oh.

Speaker 2 I do have spells.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Ray of Frost is like you would have to roll to hit. And actually, you were far enough away where you'd have to move into range to use it.

Speaker 1 Or you could use magic missile, which is a guaranteed hit, but you only have so many magic missiles. I'm going to do a magic missile.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.

Speaker 3 I'm going to decide to do a magic missile.

Speaker 1 Okay, so magic missile, which one are you going to shoot at? Does it matter? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
Three glowing darts of magical force.

Speaker 1 Each dart hits a creature of your choice that you can see within range. A dart deals one D4 plus one force damage to its target.

Speaker 3 Two plus one, three.

Speaker 1 Do you want to shoot all three of them at the same goblin, or do you want to shoot one at one and two at the other?

Speaker 2 Um, all the same goblin. Okay, obliterate

Speaker 1 that goblin. All right, so you got one for three damage, raw, and roll two more times.

Speaker 2 Two,

Speaker 1 One. Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait. So eight total, right? Yes, because the last two rolls.
So it's three plus three plus two. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Each of your three glowing darts thuds straight into the goblin archer's chest, and he falls spectacularly

Speaker 1 telescoping his spine against the stones at the bottom of the

Speaker 1 bottom of the temple.

Speaker 1 Just been booked.

Speaker 1 You guys are crushed up.

Speaker 1 You guys are booked. Yes, Rodos.
Rodos, the sunlighter, smiles this day, for his light has driven this goblin straight into the ground. Great, same Z, you're not.
It's all part of the plan.

Speaker 1 I.

Speaker 1 Where is Glee?

Speaker 1 Gigly is around the corner. He's not in the city.
I decide to kind of run towards Glee.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy, okay. Yeah, I'm just scrambling.
I'm going to call. Since they're literally looking at you,

Speaker 1 well,

Speaker 1 his friend just died, so I'm going to call it a DC-15 stealth check for you to get over to where he is. Okay.

Speaker 3 They weren't friends, they were co-workers.

Speaker 1 Whoops. Yeah, you don't know the guy.
You don't know that.

Speaker 1 And you have... Plus two.
Yeah. So roll your D20 plus two.
I rolled an 11 plus two 13.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. All right.
You run out into the clearing, but because you have forgotten to silence your tambourine, the...

Speaker 1 is that rhythm or boots? It's rhythm, of course.

Speaker 1 The remaining goblin archer notices you, and you can see him sizing up your size and armor compared to Larry's smaller size, making him a smaller target. All right, next is Larry.

Speaker 1 Yes. Can I use my shortbow? You certainly can.
Let's do it. Okay, so Larry, you're going to

Speaker 1 fire a short bow. You've got plus five to hit.
You can fire a bow on the ground. So roll your D20 and add plus five.
Don't see with Larry. Yeah.
Don't crock with Larry. Don't see with Larry.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. Cool.
Cool.

Speaker 1 Alright, so roll your D20 plus five. Nine.

Speaker 1 Nine plus five? Fourteen. Fourteen.

Speaker 1 All right, your arrow whizzes past this goblin's ear, but does not make contact. What?

Speaker 1 It's very close. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thanks for having me joining your team, guys. I'm helpful.

Speaker 1 All right. The Goblin Archer is next.

Speaker 1 You can see him saying, Man, do I want to shoot this dude who almost shot me or do I want to shoot this big, dumb target running with a tambourine?

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I have zero athletic.

Speaker 1 He is slightly closer to Larry, so he's going to take a shot at Larry. His shortbow

Speaker 1 is a nine. Miss.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 another arrow whizzes right by you and thunks into the log on the other side of your body. Man, can't hit Larry.
Lucky Larry, they say. Yep.
Dwayne the Eric Johnson, you're next. What's your move?

Speaker 1 Yay!

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Wait, what are my weapons?

Speaker 1 Hold on. You have a hand axe and javelins and a great axe.

Speaker 2 I have the great axe, which is a melee weapon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it would take him two turns to get close enough to use it.

Speaker 1 Which you still might want to do.

Speaker 2 I do think I want to get closer.

Speaker 1 I will also say, Allie, because you are a barbarian, like you have a higher than natural defense, even without a shield. Thicker skin.
Yeah, yeah, basically.

Speaker 2 All right, yeah, fuck it. Let's just do it.
All right.

Speaker 2 Dwayne charges.

Speaker 1 So your plan is to scale the wall of this dilapidated church and try to kill.

Speaker 2 How many goblins do we know of right now? One?

Speaker 1 There is one goblin that you know of right now.

Speaker 2 That we know of right now.

Speaker 1 One is one was killed. One has been missing.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Okay. I'm headed in the direction of the one goblin.

Speaker 1 Okay, great, great plan. All right, Quario, it's your turn again.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm going to try another long-range javelin shot. Great, perfect.
Wow. I love it.
Beautiful. All right.
Here we go.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy.

Speaker 1 I got a 10 and a 9. And so that's a 14 and a 13, which I know is just below what I need to get.

Speaker 1 Almost. Yeah.
Another javelin goes wide. All right.
Well, then

Speaker 1 I'm going to fall in behind Dwayne, the Orc Johnson, and make, because I like my armor class is quite high, so I'm just going to run behind him.

Speaker 2 You're drafting behind me?

Speaker 1 Well, Dwayne, you probably did a full run, which means you do twice your normal movement. And so I just threw a javelin so I could only go half the distance you went.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 you got 60 feet. So you're already like...
Yeah, Dwayne is pretty close. You're already like six feet up the wall.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're already like on it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I still have some distance to go, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, Dwayne, you're almost to the base of the wall.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. Okay, so it's Bookett's turn.

Speaker 1 Yep. Do you want another magic missile or do you want to try something else?

Speaker 1 If you do another magic missile, that will be the end of the magic missiles for the day.

Speaker 1 That's fine.

Speaker 3 I think you guys need help. I think everyone's just struggling.
And I'm just having a whole time.

Speaker 1 I say, do the magic missiles. Great.
Okay, add 3d4 and add one to each of them.

Speaker 2 One, two, three.

Speaker 2 Oh, four, three, four, plus one to each.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Wow, that guy got a blow.

Speaker 1 Two of your missiles go into the goblin's chest, and as he's falling off the roof, the third one decapitates him on the way down.

Speaker 1 Great rotors.

Speaker 3 Great. Big book it.

Speaker 1 As the second archer hits the ground, you see a battle horn spill out of his bag,

Speaker 1 which means that it's a good thing you got him when you did, because he could have maybe called for reinforcements. Good job.

Speaker 1 Should we blow the battle?

Speaker 2 What are the odds, though, that Samzies finds the battle horn and plays it?

Speaker 1 Where's the ball?

Speaker 1 We're about to find out.

Speaker 1 So, we're going to switch scenes and go to

Speaker 1 Zigli going around the corner.

Speaker 1 So, Gigli, you make your way.

Speaker 1 You make your way.

Speaker 1 Samzies, you rube.

Speaker 1 No, you're not there yet.

Speaker 1 You've already come around the corner.

Speaker 1 And go ahead and roll a stealth check.

Speaker 1 18 plus 5.

Speaker 1 23.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So you silently move your leather-clad feet over the mossy rocks and get to the southeastern corner of the wall, and you hear some hushed voices.

Speaker 1 You get to the corner and peer around, and you see two goblins standing guard next to the wall of the chapel, and they're talking to a hooded tellurianoid figure whose back is turned to you.

Speaker 1 You can't see his face or what he looks like, but you can hear him speaking in a low whisper.

Speaker 1 You can see that the moss and ivy has been crudely removed from this section of the ruin to reveal a doorway, which has been blocked off by a new crude goblin construction of iron and rough-hewn wood.

Speaker 1 The goblins are speaking in goblin, which actually you know, Gigli. So very,

Speaker 1 very lucky that you were the one who went this direction.

Speaker 1 Could have been Larry. So you hear...
Larry does not speak goblin. Yeah, that would have been a disaster.
So, your stealth check gets you close enough even to hear what they're saying.

Speaker 1 And the guy in the hooded, he's speaking goblin, but the guy in the hooded robe says, The girl is ready, and the ritual will begin soon. Kill anyone who comes close.

Speaker 1 The goblin nods, and the man with the hooded robe whispers a word and simply vanishes. Hmm?

Speaker 1 As you're standing there, you hear the

Speaker 1 distant, desperate jangling of a tambourine as Samsies runs up behind you.

Speaker 1 And Winston, go ahead and roll stealth check as well.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So I read an eight.

Speaker 1 So eight plus.

Speaker 1 Oh, six plus two. Oof.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 As Zigli is patting himself on the back for being so close and sneaking up to these goblins. You've done it again, Jiggly.

Speaker 1 Both of the goblin guards whip their heads around to see Samzy's rounding the corner. I just wanted to tell you that we found the goblins.

Speaker 1 All right, you guys roll for initiative.

Speaker 1 My initiative is eight. That's with your bonus? Yes.
Woof.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Ten.

Speaker 1 Ten.

Speaker 1 With bonus. I know.
Sorry. All right.

Speaker 1 I really wasted it on that. Useless stealth.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you should have saved that one. All right.
So, the first goblin guard runs over to you, Zhigli, brandishing his scimitar.

Speaker 1 And he,

Speaker 1 what is your

Speaker 1 armor class?

Speaker 1 16.

Speaker 1 His scimitar slices you

Speaker 1 for

Speaker 1 six damage.

Speaker 1 So I'm just down to from 13 to 7.

Speaker 1 Your hit points are 13?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 1 I don't know how many hit points you think people had. He's one of the hardiest members of our crew, my friend.
Oh, yeah, that's tough. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 1 Samesies, you're next. You just saw me take a scimitar to

Speaker 1 nearly half-killed me.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I run. No, I just

Speaker 1 kidding.

Speaker 1 I use blues to.

Speaker 1 How far away am I?

Speaker 1 you're like you're like 15 feet behind Genus.

Speaker 1 You have plenty of space to get to the goblin who just attacked him and attack the goblin. Okay, so I do that.
Yeah. Okay, so

Speaker 1 you're D20 plus four to hit. Yes.

Speaker 1 19. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 23. Yeah, palpable hit.

Speaker 1 And so roll D4 plus 2.

Speaker 1 It's a 6.

Speaker 1 A 6? Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow. All right, you jam your dagger up into his neck, and

Speaker 1 the goblin grabs his throat, but his expression is one of fury rather than pain. He's still got a little left in him.

Speaker 1 All right, the other goblin guard runs over

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 swings his scimitar at you, Samsies.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. Lucky the end of Samsies.

Speaker 1 It is a hit. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 How much damage can Samsies take? Okay, three damage to Samesies. He kind of glances off your

Speaker 1 deflected off of your tambourine weirdly and only

Speaker 1 gives you three.

Speaker 1 Does he still have all of his fingers? How's his music hand? Is it still good?

Speaker 1 Not my money makers.

Speaker 1 The one who sliced me, is that the same one that Winston stabbed?

Speaker 1 Yes. Okay.
I'm going to attempt to finish him off with my battle axe. Okay.
Go ahead and roll.

Speaker 1 15.

Speaker 1 15. Okay.

Speaker 1 And roll damage. Woohoo! Get him.
Get him, Sith.

Speaker 1 Three.

Speaker 1 Three. Three damage.

Speaker 1 Well, you didn't get as much oomph on it as you thought you were going to, but you still, UHF style, split him down the middle from the top like a like a peeled banana.

Speaker 1 You chop him in half. All right.

Speaker 1 The second goblin, who just took a stab at Samesies, looks a little bit nervous, backs up, and instead of attacking you, fumbles for his battle horn to call reinforcements. No.

Speaker 1 Oh, he does not get it. He's so nervous.
He doesn't get it to his lips. He can't do it in time, but he's still holding it, so you better finish him off.

Speaker 1 Samesies, you're up.

Speaker 1 Is now a good time to cast vicious mockery?

Speaker 1 Always a fantastic time. Always a good time.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I cast vicious mockery. There we go.
All right. Target within 60 feet.

Speaker 2 Do you score it with the tambourine?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I've given you blues. Now you face the rhythm.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 So vicious. All right.

Speaker 1 DC-13 wisdom check. Yeah, the goblin has to see if he can resist this terrible diss.

Speaker 1 You don't have the chops, sir, to blow that. You don't have the range.
You don't have the range.

Speaker 1 The goblin fails the check.

Speaker 1 He's so embarrassed. Huzzah.
It's a tough biz, bitch.

Speaker 1 Take one D4 psychic damage. Okay, I'll do that.
Yes. From the shame, the embarrassment.

Speaker 1 Wow. Three damage.

Speaker 1 Ah, he grasps his temples with shame. All right, your turn, Jiggly.

Speaker 1 All right. Is psychic damage real hit point damage? Yeah, it's real damage.

Speaker 2 Is psychic damage real, I thought, was going to be a damage.

Speaker 1 Wow. I don't believe in therapy.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Are we going to get canceled again?

Speaker 1 Just to give them a taste of Own Men I said, I'm going to draw my scimitar and.

Speaker 1 You're not going to use your axe? And slash isn't your axe like your whole thing yeah just mixing it up

Speaker 1 no all right go ahead and roll go ahead and roll

Speaker 1 so I'm rolling to hit

Speaker 1 nine

Speaker 1 nine oh you put aside your enormous bloody razor sharp battle axe and pull out a scimitar that you got at like a fair a few weeks ago you take a swing and miss completely no fair

Speaker 1 All right, so the guard starts running for the door and blows his

Speaker 1 battle horn. Oh!

Speaker 1 What is he blowing?

Speaker 1 And he looks Samesy straight in the eye and utters some guttural nonsense, which Zhigli understands to mean, I have the range.

Speaker 1 And he disappears into the door. I will say, because of Vicious Mockery, he has disadvantage on blowing the horn for this turn.
Who knows? So he has to run. Oh, I should take another one.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're right. You're right.
You're right.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Oh, Jeremy, you got our ball.

Speaker 1 He said he had the range before he blew it. And then...

Speaker 1 A bird flies out of the end of the horn and curses it as it flies by. That's a real bird.
It's a living.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 You're absolutely right. Wow.
Cool. That's really good.
Congratulations. Psychic damage.
Eagle, you better finish him up off with your real weapon this time. All right.

Speaker 1 Hand crossbow it is.

Speaker 1 Amazing. Oh, sorry.
No, no, no. It's Samesy.
Sorry, sorry. Same Z.

Speaker 1 I guess I stab him

Speaker 1 with blues, right? All right, go ahead and roll him. I guess I stab him.

Speaker 1 That's that Samesy's confidence. Yeah, he's still high.
He's still high. 15, so plus 4, 19.
Ooh! That's a hit. Okay.

Speaker 1 And go ahead and roll your dagger damage. It's 3 plus 2, which is 5.

Speaker 1 Oh, great. So you stab this goblin in the gut.

Speaker 2 Ouch.

Speaker 1 And he

Speaker 1 looks at you with menace. He's still going.
But now it's Jigly's turn. Alright.

Speaker 1 The cloaked dude just disappeared, right? He's completely gone, yeah, as far as you can tell. He uttered a word and disappeared into thin air.
Hmm.

Speaker 1 Unrelated to the magic from before, I presume. Yeah, almost no chance it's going to be.
Yeah, no way.

Speaker 1 I'm going to aim my battle axe exactly for the general area where Samsy's just stabbed him. Oh, wow.
You're going to try to get your axe into the wound, into the dagger wound? That's weird.

Speaker 1 This is sticky.

Speaker 2 It's a weird

Speaker 1 move. All right, go ahead and roll.

Speaker 1 20.

Speaker 1 15 plus 5. Great.

Speaker 1 You have like that, if you look at your portrait, you've got like the sharp

Speaker 1 part of your axe, the little back triangle, yeah, yeah. You shove that in like a dagger and then

Speaker 1 push it up and impale the spike into his head. He's crooking dead.

Speaker 1 And then you, now that you've got his head impaled, you sort of like you know, like one of those dog tennis ball throwers, like

Speaker 1 leverage him into the woods. And ironically, he makes a noise that sounds a perfect note as his head flies through the air.
Ah,

Speaker 1 finally hit that G sharp, I guess.

Speaker 1 All right. Good job, guys.
You managed to kill all those,

Speaker 1 barely kill all those goblins before they

Speaker 1 alerted everyone else.

Speaker 1 Okay. Book it evaporated both of them and then sort of stabbed them to death.
So

Speaker 1 it's reading a magazine.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say, just for the sake of expediency, the rest of the crew runs around the corner to meet up with Gigli and Sameses. How'd it go for you guys? Why are you covered in blood?

Speaker 1 We took down a dozen at least.

Speaker 1 I see only the two bodies, though. There were more.
They turned to dust and smoke. Fine, it was two.

Speaker 3 Oz was fairly fast, you know.

Speaker 1 Can I ask Bookett if there's a healing spell that she could spare? Since I'm half dead?

Speaker 3 That's a good question.

Speaker 1 It's not

Speaker 1 a wizard thing, unfortunately.

Speaker 1 However,

Speaker 1 Gile,

Speaker 1 I can bring the light of Rodos the Sunlighter to bear on your wounds if I am allowed to lay on my hands upon them.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 please.

Speaker 1 Yes, very well.

Speaker 3 I can help you get rid of a rich.

Speaker 1 Actually, that too, yeah. You were both stabbed.

Speaker 1 And allow these wounds to close. May their internal light shine all the more brightly.

Speaker 1 Seth, you heal five. All right.
You're only down one hit point. Good job, Quariel.
Nice. Wait, what about me? I also got hurt.

Speaker 1 I'm only.

Speaker 1 The light of Rhodos is.

Speaker 1 What? I'm an imperfect vessel for Rodos' life. Wait, come here.

Speaker 1 Come here.

Speaker 1 Don't spit on your hand and just put it on my wound.

Speaker 1 Nope. Nobody has any other healing?

Speaker 1 I do have more, but you've only taken three damage. Yeah, you're fine.
You're fine.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 The party finds themselves standing in front of this rough hewn wood and iron door, which clearly has been installed to sort of reseal this opened passage.

Speaker 1 The original door was long since rotted away. So it looks like this is the entrance to the goblin lair.
Are you guys ready to go in? Anything else you want to do?

Speaker 1 Could I do...

Speaker 1 I can...

Speaker 1 In a short or long resk, your song gains heroic inspiration to two allies.

Speaker 1 Okay, great.

Speaker 1 What does heroic inspiration do? I believe heroic inspiration is just you can re-roll anything.

Speaker 1 Like, if you fail something, you can use your heroic inspiration. And then it's used up.
Yep. You can expend it to re-roll any die.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So I grant... heroic inspiration to my co-fighter brother-in-arms, G Lee,

Speaker 1 and also to Larry, because he's having a tough one. Having a tough day.

Speaker 1 Bad diet. Bad diet.

Speaker 1 So, are you guys ready to go in?

Speaker 1 Sure. Yes, let's go.
All right, you push open the heavy wooden door, and the heady smell of coal smoke, roasted meat, and goblin filth waft out into your nostrils. Who's going in first?

Speaker 1 I think I'll go in first.

Speaker 1 I push open

Speaker 2 the heavy door Okay. And I stand basically in the fall doorway.

Speaker 1 Nice, perfect. So the wooden door swings open.

Speaker 1 And.

Speaker 2 Yeah! Okay, there's your map.

Speaker 1 A set of stone steps

Speaker 1 leading. Okay.
This is where you are here.

Speaker 1 A set of stone steps leading down. into the darkness.
The stairway is quiet. Fortunately, because of a couple near fucking misses misses up there, no one knows you're here.
Yes, perfect.

Speaker 1 Or because of some vicious mockery. Yes, sorry, that's what I should have said.
As your eyes adjust to the dim light, you reach the bottom of the steps to see

Speaker 1 the months-old corpse of some poor adventurer impaled by a long iron spike, which still sticks into the stone wall of the corridor. Whoa,

Speaker 1 how will you

Speaker 1 proceed?

Speaker 1 Roll for perception. Okay, that's a DC-15 perception check.

Speaker 2 A 16.

Speaker 1 16, great.

Speaker 1 So the spike, which impales this unfortunate idiot, is not the only trap in this hallway. Just beyond him,

Speaker 1 you notice a thin wire, nearly indistinguishable from the cobweb surrounding it, stretching from one side of the hallway to the other.

Speaker 1 You could try to hop over it, or you could try to rig the trap so it doesn't trigger when Larry invariably misjudges the distance.

Speaker 1 How did this happen?

Speaker 2 So, who's got the best sleight of hand?

Speaker 1 Well, just to help you out, this is perfect use for the thieves' tools that Larry has. Plus five.
Great. Can anyone disarm the traps? What we really need are some thieves.
I'm a thief.

Speaker 1 We're over here. Larry.
Your old friend Larry. Anyone? Anyone have anything? I have all my tools.

Speaker 1 Anybody else?

Speaker 2 He's paid his dues. He's paid his dues.

Speaker 3 I'll say if there was one thief in uni, it was Larry.

Speaker 1 That's right. I actually stole these thief tools, ironically.
I stole them.

Speaker 1 Using what?

Speaker 1 My hands. Oh, the original thief's tools.
Yes. So, Justin, to disarm a trap, it's a DC-15, but then you also get to add your proficiency bonus.
So it's a DC-15, but it's a plus five.

Speaker 1 And actually, you can take a 10 because you're not in initiative right now.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't even need to roll. Sick.

Speaker 1 Get that die out of my hand.

Speaker 1 Larry, finally earning his keep, busts out his thieves' tools and uses a set of narrow-bladed scissors to cut the tripwire. That's how I shear scabbers.

Speaker 1 Crumbles? Crumbles. That's it.

Speaker 1 Crumbles. And it's completely disarmed.
You guys can pass over the tripwire and head around the corner. Way to go, Larry.
Pretty good from old Lair.

Speaker 1 So you pass the second spike trap, you reach a right turn in the corridor, and you see the light of a fire casting jumping shadows on the wall.

Speaker 1 You turn the corner and enter the goblin's makeshift hideout.

Speaker 1 There's a brazier because every good adventure needs a brazier at some point.

Speaker 1 There's a brazier in the middle of the room surrounded by stools, camp beds, and racks of weapons and armor. And standing at the brazier are three goblins warming their hands by the fire.

Speaker 1 The light of the fire prevents them from noticing you at this distance. You're not in cover, but they do not see you as of right now.
I love if there's like six of us.

Speaker 1 You're peering around the corner like

Speaker 1 a monkeys episode, yeah, where you guys are all stacked on top of each other.

Speaker 1 Why am I on top?

Speaker 1 Doesn't make logistical sense. So,

Speaker 1 what's your move? You guys are peering down the hallway, and the three guards are right here around the brazier. Three guards.
Three goblins.

Speaker 1 three goblins i need three goblins we could just rush in and take a like we get basically a round surprise attack surprise around

Speaker 1 yeah there's only three of them there's six of you there's not that many yeah we got these i mean what other options do we have just rush them i say we rush them oh oh we can throw that creepy body at them The spike.

Speaker 1 We could throw a corpse at them

Speaker 1 or use these weapons. All right.
Quariol's going to go for it. He's going to charge in.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 1 So you guys roll for initiative, and you get a free round because you've got the element of surprise. So, everybody, tell me what your initiative rolls are: 11,

Speaker 1 as does Sam Z's. 11.
That's with your. Jesus, guys.
Come on. It's random.

Speaker 1 I was like, I got a four, Alden, so I don't know what you got. You got a four? Yeah.
Oh, boy. Okay.

Speaker 1 I have 21.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's good.

Speaker 1 I'm a dungeon guy.

Speaker 2 I only have a seven.

Speaker 1 There he comes alive in the dungeons. Seven?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's right. And what's Booket?

Speaker 1 Wait, is that natural 20, Mujan? Nat 20. Okay, so that's plus your initiative bonus.
And what is 21? All right. Book it and Larry.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Bookett and Larry both have 21, but you got a natural 20, Bookett, so you're going to go first. Let me roll initiative for these gobblies.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Booket is first.
And I'm going to give you a plus one on any roll you take, as well as a plus one on any damage you do because of your natural 20.

Speaker 1 Any move you make.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you get the Phil Collins on this one.

Speaker 3 I'm going to do Ray of Frost for Petra because she's the frostiest bee I know.

Speaker 1 Great.

Speaker 1 For Petra!

Speaker 1 Alright, so you attack Ray of Frost with the first goblin? Alright.

Speaker 3 15.

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Wow. You got him.
That's D8 cold damage. D8 cold damage.

Speaker 3 6.

Speaker 1 Oof.

Speaker 1 Okay. He sort of freezes up like a cartoon character.
There's a whole ice thing around him. There's a few seconds and he busts through

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 gets very angry. But you can tell he really got to him.
All right, Larry, you're next. All right.

Speaker 1 Dagger time or rapier? Do you want want to attack the injured goblin or one of the freshies? Definite. Okay, go ahead and roll.
Great. I got a three.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you missed. You missed.

Speaker 1 You rush in with your rapier and take a swipe, but no dice.

Speaker 1 I wish there was no dice. Oh, wait, but

Speaker 1 he did have heroic inspiration if he wanted to re-roll, right? Oh, that's true.

Speaker 1 Oh, you have shit. Yes.

Speaker 1 Samesy song stirs within his heart. Yes.
Yes. There's a wall thing.

Speaker 1 Surely Larry can beat three.

Speaker 1 17 from Larry. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, Rob. All right.

Speaker 1 Go ahead and roll for damage.

Speaker 1 One.

Speaker 1 Well, but it's plus three, so it's four.

Speaker 1 There must have been still a little ice left in this goblin's veins because when you poke him, he shatters into

Speaker 1 he's gone. All right.
Next is Zhigli.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 So there's two left? There's two left. And in this six seconds, by the way, the goblins are like, huh?

Speaker 1 That's what's happening in their six seconds. Yeah, why don't you go ahead, Zigli? Froze and shattered in front of

Speaker 1 Herb.

Speaker 1 I'm going to chop one of them with my axe. Checks out? Yep.
Good, great. Roll a D20.
Ah, surprising.

Speaker 1 19! Oh, baby!

Speaker 1 Alright, and roll for damage?

Speaker 1 Five. Five.
All right. You sort of get ahead of yourself and you start swinging a little early, so you kind of slice him across the belly.
It's a lot of damage, but he's still going. Next is Samesies.

Speaker 1 I attack the same goblin that Jigli just attacked.

Speaker 1 Famous team. Samesies and Jigly.

Speaker 1 I rolled a five, so it's a nine.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So I didn't didn't hit him? No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 You run in after Gigli

Speaker 1 and you say, nice job, buddy. And I said, I hit him with the tambourine.
Yeah, but I think it's the wrong hand.

Speaker 1 Dwayne the Orc Johnson is next.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Now we roll a D20.

Speaker 1 Are you using your great axe against one of these guys?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Are you hitting the injured one or the other one?

Speaker 2 I'm hitting the other one.

Speaker 1 So now, Dwayne is using a great axe, which means if he does hit on this attack, he can cleave with the great axe, which means to hit another target within five feet.

Speaker 2 Hell. Oh, so like a

Speaker 1 bop bomb.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 2 17.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, baby. All right, so it's one D12 plus three.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a nasty weapon.

Speaker 1 It's a two.

Speaker 1 But a five.

Speaker 1 But it's a five. So that's a five damage.
But that was the injured one. So he's fucking dead.
And now roll it one more time for your cleave on the second one right next to him.

Speaker 2 11.

Speaker 1 So that's

Speaker 1 plus five. You got him.
Roll it at a Z12.

Speaker 2 Five.

Speaker 1 Okay. So you chop the first goblin in half, and your axe continues to lodge itself in the rib cage of the third goblin.

Speaker 1 He doesn't die, but it is pretty fucking impressive. So,

Speaker 1 next is Quariel.

Speaker 1 We shall end your villainy this day, goblins.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 I got a 19, which is a 23

Speaker 1 longsword, the Ray of Rhodos.

Speaker 1 Should I name my weapons? This guy's got mine.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Always name your weapons. Always.
Mine's Mine's named Axe. Alright, roll for damage.

Speaker 1 We got nine damage.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 The Ray of Rotus.

Speaker 1 You have like a sorry. You know how a Zoro has a kind of Z shape? You kind of like chop off his head and then bisect his body down over and then chop his legs off at the knees, you fucking.

Speaker 1 It's the rough shape of an R.

Speaker 1 A loose R. I couldn't.
It was the bodies were falling. Couldn't get around.
You have to sort of make it angular, but then. Yes, yes.
It worked. It worked, is what I'm saying.
Strange religion.

Speaker 1 You obliterate these three guards, and you are standing in an empty lair. So there's no sound coming from the doors to the north and the east, but there's a faint growling coming from this one here.

Speaker 1 You peer through the bars, you see two enormous wargs fighting over a bone. This leave the wargs alone.
Yeah, good, good call. Good call, Corio.
There's a song called Let Sleeping Wargs Lie.

Speaker 2 Ooh, are you going to to sing it right now?

Speaker 1 Do it! Do it!

Speaker 1 T'was a dark night. Stop!

Speaker 1 The door to the east is a storeroom which contains Scrimp's stolen Garfawns, which you recognize, balking up the place, as well as various other items clearly taken from the nearby towns.

Speaker 1 There's casks of ale and mead. There's various books.

Speaker 1 Books. There is...
What was that?

Speaker 1 Goblins.

Speaker 1 Stolen books. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 Is that a lot of self-help books, it looks like.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 Goblins with a bent for self-improvement. I appreciate it.
And there's also glass vials. There's a huge

Speaker 1 glass orb, like a seeing eye or something.

Speaker 1 Unusual thefts for goblins. Yeah.
Other equipment used by alchemists and healers. And the door to the north is sealed, leads into another passageway, but you can't tell what it is.
So

Speaker 1 anything you want to do in here before you guys move on? It's reminding me I should share with them what I heard that I we saw this other guy and heard them refer to Petra.

Speaker 1 What? This would have been good to know. Why didn't you tell us? We were talking in the hallway.
Hmm. I forgot.
Well, you know, we were healed and there was the song.

Speaker 1 They said the woman is almost ready for the ritual, and then the cloaked man disappeared. Something like that.

Speaker 3 All right, but you're assuming the woman is Petra. That's assumist.
You're assuming all women are one person.

Speaker 1 That's true. Just because it's a woman doesn't mean it's Petra.
It could also be a doctor. I'm a proud assumist.

Speaker 2 Or someone else who's hot and bucks up. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 I'm going to marry a propose, at least, to whichever woman is there.

Speaker 1 Petro or question mark.

Speaker 1 Are we moving on or what's the deal? Let's go.

Speaker 1 Anyway. Listen, I think we must make haste.
Yes,

Speaker 1 if the sacrifice is almost ready. Yes, yes, it's true.
All right. The door to the north leads into another passageway.

Speaker 2 Beautiful.

Speaker 1 The corridor out of the goblin's lair is less disgusting than the corridor in, and the stones on the walls are engraved with figures and letters that are too worn to discern.

Speaker 1 As you turn the corner, you see a staircase leading up to a great hall, and the colorful light you saw is cast by enormous stained glass windows, still intact after these countless years.

Speaker 1 There are stone pews surrounding a large altar at the far end of the room, and behind the altar is the hooded man that Gigli saw outside. Told you laying on the altar is Petra.

Speaker 1 She appears to be unconscious, perhaps in a magical trance, floating several inches off of the altar. Whoa!

Speaker 1 The hooded figure is waving a staff and whispering some incomprehensible incantations as swirls of light and sparks move above him. Sparks?

Speaker 1 Coincidence.

Speaker 1 No. Is it night? Flanking the altar are two enormous bugbears standing watch while the ritual is performed.
That's cute.

Speaker 1 Bugbears. They sound cute, but they are terrifying.
Bug bears are like, basically like a werewolf, but a bear. Oh.

Speaker 1 What do you do?

Speaker 1 I feel like,

Speaker 1 you know, someone should say halt, right? It feels like Quariel is very good at that, but

Speaker 1 if anybody wants to say halt.

Speaker 3 Quariol's just in the side reading a book.

Speaker 1 Those goblin books.

Speaker 1 I am fascinated by what these goblins are reading.

Speaker 1 Larry, do you want to tell the hooded man to

Speaker 1 put her down?

Speaker 1 Get your damn hands off her, whatever you want to say. Get your goddamn hands off her.

Speaker 1 Actually,

Speaker 1 I have a dramatic thing I could do. You're not going to try to stealth in.
You're going to just.

Speaker 1 Oh, I guess that's an option, right?

Speaker 1 Stealth has been ineffective, in my experience. Fair.
Fair.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 I have something that feels very character-appropriate that I could do.

Speaker 1 I'm going to cast Searing Smite

Speaker 1 on my longsword, which makes it

Speaker 1 basically flaming. Oh, hell yeah.
Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Hell yeah. If I hit with it, it makes people catch on fire.
Yay!

Speaker 1 So I'm going to cast Searing Smite buzzing.

Speaker 1 Most glorious Rhodus,

Speaker 1 we are in the darkest place I have ever seen in my life.

Speaker 1 And if your light can reach even the pitch of this depravity, then I will drive it back so that your light might fill this space with its holy divinity. Just give it a little while, Larry.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I'm new. Does he love Rhodus? Or what's the deal?

Speaker 1 The sorcerer, the warlock, looks up as he's

Speaker 1 hearing this

Speaker 1 coming from

Speaker 1 to rotus a person not here uh rhodoside i'm new rotus rotos yes you are you are you're new to everything my friend that was a nag

Speaker 1 that was a neg

Speaker 1 but i think this stranger will find the greatest nag of all comes from the retribution of rotos the sunlighter

Speaker 1 whoa

Speaker 1 that sword is on fire that is very cool i like nice cool Alright, so it's a surprise attack on these guys. So everybody, roll initiative.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I have A6.

Speaker 1 Bummer.

Speaker 1 Yes, hold on. Sorry, just getting the sword ready.

Speaker 1 21. Oh, wow.
I have a 9.

Speaker 2 10.

Speaker 3 13.

Speaker 1 10 plus 3, 13. Oh, boy.
You guys are fucked.

Speaker 1 Oh. I don't know.
Well, we got a surprise around.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 during Quariel's long-winded speech,

Speaker 1 Zhigli,

Speaker 1 it is necessary to cast a spell,

Speaker 1 sprints up the staircase, brandishing his...

Speaker 1 Seth?

Speaker 1 Battleaxe. Battleaxe.

Speaker 1 And takes aim at who?

Speaker 1 Okay, so there's two bugbears and the warlock. So yeah, so there's bug bears like here, like, they're like bouncers, basically, like at either side of the altar.

Speaker 1 And this guy in the middle, whose name you have not requested, is right here. Petra is on the altar here.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go for the main guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're going to vault over this

Speaker 1 floating Petra.

Speaker 1 You know what? I'm going to ask you to roll a DC-15

Speaker 1 agility check. To jump over.
You're a dwarf. You need to jump over not only the altar, but Petra, who's floating three inches above the altar.
Oh, that's three inches for a dwarf. Very tough.

Speaker 1 So with that one, I got a nine, but I'm going to re-roll because of my inspiration.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I got a

Speaker 1 14 plus three. 17.
Oh, yeah. There you go, baby.
Nice. Yeah, save Z's.

Speaker 1 This is also, by the way,

Speaker 1 still halfway through Coriel's speech. That he's still going.
The flames are just beginning to creep up the hilt of the blade. Your light can reach this dark place.
As Kerry Strugg style,

Speaker 1 Jiggly vaults over the thing and sort of. You've got to do it, Kerry.
You've got to do it. You've got to do it.
You've got to do it. He vaults over the altar above Petra.
Wow.

Speaker 1 And now you have to roll to see whether you actually hit this guy. Alright.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm going to

Speaker 1 invoke my lucky feet of the day for for this hit. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I would say wait until you roll. Wait until I know.
Okay. All right.
And. Okay.
All right. All right.
Oh,

Speaker 1 I rolled a one.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Then we'll not waste my luck on that.

Speaker 1 No, you should. No, no, you should.
Oh, but that's. Yeah, a luck point lets you get advantage, so you roll for it.
Oh, and re-roll. Oh, okay, I see.

Speaker 1 Good luck. Oh, 15 plus 2.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There we go.

Speaker 1 Okay, so roll for damage on your fucking huge-ass battle axe. This is amazing.

Speaker 1 Alright. It's 1d8 plus 2.
No, are you using with both hands? It's 1d10 plus 2.

Speaker 1 Oh, a 10 plus 2 is 12. 12? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 The old skull splitter.

Speaker 1 To see him in the middle.

Speaker 1 I secretly loved Petra also.

Speaker 1 says the man we don't know who this guy is that's no we have not asked any questions

Speaker 1 he says what the crook get the crook out of here

Speaker 1 drench clammick destroy them the ritual is almost complete as the as the axe is like lodged in his shoulder all right uh oh he uh no no no you've got the element of surprise okay so next is wait so he's alive he took 12 and he's no you sort of like swiped him and stuck into his shoulder okay So he's he's he's definitely injured, but he's still going strong.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 next is Larry.

Speaker 1 Larry

Speaker 1 For my love, I will attack as well.

Speaker 1 At the wound.

Speaker 1 Can we ask who this person is? Can we try to knock his hood down or something?

Speaker 1 Sort of too late. Sort of too late.
Have we met?

Speaker 1 Sort of too late for that. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll attack.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 What are you going to attack with? I guess my rapier. Okay.
Does he do the same sort of running jump? How are you attacking, Justin? I guess the same. I'm going to follow my guy.

Speaker 1 Cool, you're going to try to attempt the exact same maneuver. You can use me as a step.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Truly, like an Olympic vaulting.

Speaker 1 You're going to try to double up your scores. Double up.

Speaker 1 I use my rapier, Poodletooth. Poodle tooth, great.
Poodle tooth.

Speaker 1 I call this a DC 15 dexterity check to get over the vault. You're also a halfling.
I'm going to make it a DC 16. 16.

Speaker 1 So this is because you're even shorter than Shigley. So to get over that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I know Petra. Halflings are the type of thing.
I know Petra, so it's cool. Yeah, okay.
So

Speaker 1 roll a deck. But you also have that fucking.

Speaker 1 We got one more luck point, too. So go ahead and roll for your dexterity check.
14.

Speaker 1 Plus 3. Oh!

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 All right. So go ahead and roll to see if you hit this guy.

Speaker 1 Six. Wait, plus something, right?

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 1 Plus five. All right.

Speaker 1 Almost impossibly, astonishingly, you copy Zhigli's vaulting move perfectly. Except when you come down, you're sort of like 12 inches to the right.
So

Speaker 1 your sword comes down, your rapier comes down, and completely misses the guy.

Speaker 1 Not great. So, next is and I quickly say, Who are you? But he doesn't hear me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who are you?

Speaker 1 All right. Next is Book It.

Speaker 2 I'm going to try and freeze again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, freeze him up. Great.
Freeze him up. All right.

Speaker 3 Oh, oh, oh, but is it Mr. 18?

Speaker 1 Oh, my goodness. Okay.

Speaker 1 So that's 1d8 cold damage. Okay.

Speaker 1 Four.

Speaker 1 Alright, so four.

Speaker 1 His robes begin to frost over, but he doesn't seem too upset about it. It's just besides the axe and his side.

Speaker 1 Next is

Speaker 1 Dwayne the Ork Johnson. Me!

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Now.

Speaker 2 That guy was still on the other side of my axe last we chatted.

Speaker 1 The other.

Speaker 1 the goblin that you killed?

Speaker 2 Remember when I cleaved him? He was still attached to my axe.

Speaker 1 He was shaking him off.

Speaker 1 No, is he still on there? You want him to still be there?

Speaker 2 He's still there.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm gonna take

Speaker 2 I'm gonna take the body still attached to my axe

Speaker 1 and launch it

Speaker 1 towards the altar.

Speaker 1 Okay, whip a goblin body at this person.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely. I guess this is

Speaker 1 projectile. Ranged

Speaker 1 bludgeoning damage. Yeah, this is like a ranged throw with an improvised weapon.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right, let's give it a shot.
So, Alden, this would be like strength bonus plus proficient. Well, I don't know that they're proficient in throwing goblin bodies.

Speaker 1 Blade might be. If anyone is, yeah, like

Speaker 1 so, plus five to hit and then plus strength damage because he's literally just hurling it as hard as he can. Okay, so plus five to hit.
So go ahead and roll a d20 to see if it actually hits him.

Speaker 2 Okay, I rolled a 16.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 Yep. All right, no, that's good.
So roll a d4.

Speaker 2 I rolled a one.

Speaker 1 All right, well, plus your strength modifier, which is four. Yeah.
So that's five damage. So you launch the dead goblin.
Who is he?

Speaker 1 I would say he's dead, but he's not like dead, dead. He's like still.

Speaker 1 He's still like... Yeah, he's still like

Speaker 1 he knows he's being used. Yes, exactly.
The goblin launches, clears Petra on the altar, and collides with this hooded figure, knocking him to the ground for five damage. Wow.
Okay.

Speaker 1 He's looking a little beat up at this point. Who's next?

Speaker 1 Sameses.

Speaker 1 I cast vicious mockery,

Speaker 1 of course.

Speaker 1 On the bugbears. Oh, can I? You can only do one at a time.

Speaker 1 And also,

Speaker 1 Sameses, I would like to point out, you also have a spell called Dissonant Whispers, which is sort of a more powerful version. Oh, that one's a great one.
Dissonance. Thank you.
Of Vicious Mockery.

Speaker 1 You don't get it unlimited like Vicious Mockery, but it is the effects are more potent.

Speaker 1 Also, sounds like a song you'd sing, too.

Speaker 1 Okay, I attack the one on the left. I cast a dissonant whisper.

Speaker 1 Okay, it's a wisdom check. I say, you don't have the range.

Speaker 1 I'm going to give you a minus one on that because you've already used that.

Speaker 1 No!

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Nope, two.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, so wisdom save on these stupid bugbears. They're dumb, so this is a good choice of attack.

Speaker 1 Oh, two.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 He doesn't like this song. The bug bear hates this song.

Speaker 1 You whisper a discordant melody that only one creature of your choice within range can hear, racking it with terrible pain. It's the one that it didn't rhyme that everyone had a problem with earlier.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. I take a 3d6 psychic damage.
Yeah, brutal. What? And then he also has to run away.

Speaker 1 The bug bear does? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Eight damage is what I caused. Eight over 3d6? Yes, I rolled one six and two ones.

Speaker 1 Okay. Eight damage, but he runs away.
Yeah, he has to basically press himself against the wall and stay away from Winston.

Speaker 1 Really scared. Now, the bug bear is racked with pain.

Speaker 1 And he says something in goblin that only Gigli can hear, which is, I'm not getting paid enough for this.

Speaker 1 He runs over to the right, the northern side of the room, and makes his way through these boulders and actually escapes out the room.

Speaker 1 He drove him away. Drove him away.

Speaker 3 See you later.

Speaker 1 Quario, you've finally finished your monologue.

Speaker 1 Your sword is flaming. It's time to go.

Speaker 1 Yes, at last, I have been blessed by Rodos.

Speaker 1 Let me bring your vengeance to these foul creatures.

Speaker 1 I'm going to. The other bugbear is still there, right? Yep.
All right, I'm going to go for him. Okay.

Speaker 1 With a flaming ray of Rodos, and I roll a two.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Your flaming sword splits asunder nothing at all. Rhodos is all sizzle, no steak.

Speaker 1 Oh, dear you, it was my failing. All right.
Rhodos granted his blessing and I failed to deliver it. Oh, such a disappointment.
Next is Zhigli. It does stay aflame, though, so it's okay.

Speaker 1 Yes, of course. The surprise round is over.

Speaker 1 New round. Zhigli, you're next at the top of the initiative, and everyone is ready to go.
Okay, so what's the deal with Petra, right? Petra's still floating.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's unconscious or in some sort of magical trance, floating above the altar. Yeah, you could make a move to grab her, so.
Yeah, and the warlock is on the ground.

Speaker 1 The warlock has been knocked prone, yes. And is underneath a dead goblin.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
Do you think maybe this guy was trying to help Petra or something? Is there a chance?

Speaker 1 Odds are low.

Speaker 1 I'm going to attempt to

Speaker 1 behead this guy. Yeah, take him out.
All right, roll to hit. You do get advantage on prone targets.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 You roll twice and you take the better of the two rolls. I got an 18 on the first roll.
Okay, no need to roll again.

Speaker 1 Roll for damage.

Speaker 1 10.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 With a mighty swing of your axe, which I should remind you has never actually seen battle. Yeah, I was going to say, it's really putting some notches on the axe.
I know, I last time.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, like, is Gigly just going to be hiding this whole time? But I didn't think that would be.

Speaker 1 Your axe slices clean through this dude's neck.

Speaker 1 His head rolls off to the side and lands among a pile of rubble.

Speaker 1 Who are you?

Speaker 1 Does he say anything with his last words? The remaining bugbear takes one look at the six of you and exits exactly the same way that the first one did. Yes, run, fool.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The flames of Rudolphs drive you back. You don't have the range.

Speaker 1 He almost comes back. He almost comes back because you've used that now three times.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 The nave of the temple is empty. You rush up to the altar, praying that you are not too late to save Petra.
The shimmering magic above her fades and she falls to the altar.

Speaker 1 As you gather around her, she begins to stir. She reaches one flawless, slender hand to her face, parting her magnificent locks of auburn hair to reveal her radiant golden eyes.

Speaker 1 When her eyes see you, they flash with anger. Huh? What?

Speaker 1 She cries as she sits upright. What are you doing here?

Speaker 1 Left you a note, innit? What happened to Zilly? Sagan left us a note. A note.
We didn't find any note. He didn't try to sacrifice me.
It's a second day, ain't it? Sex magic's consensual, innit?

Speaker 1 Tantric!

Speaker 1 Oh, boy.

Speaker 1 You know, I haven't haven't heard Petra talk in a while. Larry?

Speaker 1 Why you got Larry with you?

Speaker 1 Don't judge me, Larry.

Speaker 1 I thought we had a thing going. You're out on a sex date with a warlock? A second date? Second date.
Oh, I thought you said second date.

Speaker 1 You did say sex magic.

Speaker 1 Sex magic. That's right.
You're gonna be. I'm not.

Speaker 1 Jumped his head.

Speaker 2 It's time to sing your song from blood, sugar, sex, magic.

Speaker 1 Yes, your famed tune under the bridge. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We don't have the rights.

Speaker 1 You don't have the range. We don't have the rights.

Speaker 1 There's an awkward moment as you all realize you've beheaded Petra's maybe gonna be boyfriend.

Speaker 1 Let me check if he's okay.

Speaker 1 Put his head back near his neck. I could put the head back together.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't we reanimate?

Speaker 1 Put it back together. Look at it.
He's dancing now.

Speaker 1 Look at me.

Speaker 1 It's all right. Book it, this is a grim specter of the music.

Speaker 1 It's all right. It's alright.

Speaker 1 He was fine.

Speaker 1 With the battle over,

Speaker 1 you have a moment to take in the nave in which you stand.

Speaker 1 Now that the warlock's magic has dissipated, the sanctuary is even more beautiful in silence.

Speaker 1 The stained glass windows cast a rainbow blanket across the stone floor, and through the collapsed north wall spills all shades of emerald mosses and ivies. What is the moss with the windows?

Speaker 1 The windows depict events events and figures you do not recognize, but at the center of the room, the largest window depicts not a person, but what appears to be a large coin with a hole through the center.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 not for nothing,

Speaker 1 the acoustics in here are amazing.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 I shall sing this tale. We sort of made a mistake.
No, No, no, no, no. You gotta roll to sing that tale.

Speaker 1 It's a DC-15 charisma check, Winston, to sing a tale about what just happened. Larry! Larry, I have something to say to Larry.
Yes, book it. Go to Larry! I rolled a 10.

Speaker 1 But this is a performance check, so you get plus 5. Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 okay. Lovely.

Speaker 1 All right, listen up. What am I saying? Who has something to say?

Speaker 1 Oh, who has something to say? You have something to say to Larry? Right, yes. All I'm here between my two favourite ladies.

Speaker 1 Larry, you son of my lord.

Speaker 3 You've known since day what are you knee that? You're the one that I want to be with.

Speaker 3 But the entire time you've been loving up on Petra. Well, I've just been standing here and going with it like it was wind on fire.

Speaker 3 But we're now in what I call a ri- an altar. And if you want to get married, either do it now with me or forever hold for face.

Speaker 1 Book it, when I started this adventure, I wanted to propose to Petra. And then I heard her voice,

Speaker 1 and your voice is much more melodic and beautiful. Thank you.
Sort of a sliding scale.

Speaker 1 I killed. It's like fingers on a chalkboard, that one.

Speaker 1 I would love to wed you here in this sex temple.

Speaker 1 But here comes Crumbles.

Speaker 1 Oh, with a ring in her.

Speaker 1 Holding a ring. Holding a little pillow with a ring attached to it.
Crumbles was smelting a ring out of cursed gold, probably.

Speaker 1 Wow. Okay, so we're doing a wedding ceremony here in the temple.
Yes. We don't even know what religion this is.

Speaker 2 Sex. Sex magic.

Speaker 1 This union shall be blessed by none other than Rhodos the Sunlighter. Rodos's light would love to purify this sex turchin.

Speaker 1 Rhodes doesn't charge you.

Speaker 1 Nah. This is quick.
You guys both on board with this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we just spent the whole... We murdered together.
This is a good strong connect.

Speaker 3 There's nothing stronger and healthier than a nice trauma bond.

Speaker 1 That's right. Psychic damage is real.
Alright, I'm going to allow you guys to take a 10 on officiating this wedding.

Speaker 1 Larry and Bookett approach the altar and Samesies accompanies while Coriel improvises slightly Rhoda's adjacent union. Unholy sinners, we have gathered here

Speaker 1 to sanctify this relationship in the light of Rhodos the Sunlighter.

Speaker 1 May his holy blessing and divine light guide you.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Sameses, we don't have the rights.
Samzes.

Speaker 1 Turn your eyes towards the holy light of Rhodos the Sunlighter. And keep them open and let his blinding magnificence scour your eyes clean.
Wow. And then look upon each other with new eyes.
Ow!

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes, you should see nothing but a colorless void.

Speaker 1 That's what love is. A colorless void.
Yes, this blank slate shall be the surface on which you write your love story.

Speaker 1 Wow. Really beautiful, heavy, beautiful, heavy vows.

Speaker 1 Rodos the Sunlighter would accept nothing less.

Speaker 1 Is brunch still on at the end? If we bring this stuff back, can we do like

Speaker 1 mimosas or something still?

Speaker 1 Well, you know, Samesies, Samsies, you never got to sing your song. Oh, you rolled for it already, right?

Speaker 1 Sing this song.

Speaker 1 The fellowship, the fellowship

Speaker 1 of the lagoon.

Speaker 1 That is what we are

Speaker 1 in this weird tomb. That's a church.
We remember when we fought. Somehow, because of Samsi's role,

Speaker 1 his ballad moves you to tears.

Speaker 1 He sings a beautiful and intricate tale of love and loss, of the passage of time that leads all living things to death, and sacred places like this one to ruin.

Speaker 1 He sings of heroes and deeds long forgotten. He sings of the ways love grows stronger in grief and the way beauty becomes sublime with age.
Dreams of the song. The song continues.

Speaker 1 He sings of Californication.

Speaker 1 The afternoon sun moves lower and lower.

Speaker 1 A glint of light catches your eye, and you notice that the sun passing through the hole in the stained glass coin has landed on a small brass circle in the stone wall you didn't notice before.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. Here we go again.
The brass circle protrudes from the wall slightly and looks just like the coin in the window.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 we'll probably head home.

Speaker 1 Yeah, gotta get that brunch.

Speaker 1 What sorcery is this?

Speaker 1 I'll reach out and touch the coin. Alright, Quario reaches out and touches the coin.

Speaker 1 With a soft grinding sound, the brass circle recedes recedes into the wall, and a slim door opens, revealing a staircase down into the darkness.

Speaker 1 At the base of the staircase is a small room lit with an otherworldly blue light, emanating from a stone statue of a robed figure.

Speaker 1 The statue is depicted holding the branch of a tree, as one might hold a sword. At the base of the statue is a small plaque in a language you do not understand

Speaker 1 Xerilis ix Ertium Mamaco Anret

Speaker 1 In front of the figure is an unadorned chest. There is no visible lock.
As you kneel to inspect the chest, the blue light grows brighter and a ghostly apparition steps out of the statue.

Speaker 1 By Rodus

Speaker 1 He peers at you with curiosity.

Speaker 1 Long have I waited in the space between for someone to find this place.

Speaker 1 There are none living who know of our order,

Speaker 1 What the crack does? What is that? I've never heard these words.

Speaker 1 One sounds vaguely good.

Speaker 1 Okay, you know what? Never mind. Thou must prove thy worth by answering these three riddles.

Speaker 1 Normally, I'm a pretty good judge of characters, so this is more or less a formality, but thou canst never be too sure. So, again, everyone in my order is long dead.

Speaker 1 The stakes are very high here, so I have to sort of follow the rules. How many visitors do you have? You have riddles for us now? None! It's been centuries.
Okay.

Speaker 3 It just sounds like you're more naive.

Speaker 1 Seems like you'd be happy to see. Do you want the riddles or not?

Speaker 1 Yes, let's take a crack

Speaker 1 out with your riddles. I love a good puzzle.
Spirit.

Speaker 1 What shrinks the more it is filled?

Speaker 2 My stomach!

Speaker 1 Your stomach?

Speaker 1 Correct! I also would have accepted space. Space shrinks, the more it is filled.

Speaker 1 But yes, it's good, good, good, good job, good job. It's true.
Close.

Speaker 1 Riddle number two.

Speaker 1 What may break thy bones, but are not stones?

Speaker 1 Words? Space again? Words?

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 Stuff? Stuff. No, words.
What?

Speaker 1 And stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Sticks.
Yes, sticks. Good.
Correct.

Speaker 1 Yes, and to your credit, yes. There are a ton of correct answers to that question.
You need a riddle that is falsified. I was referring to a well-known rhyme, and you don't, it never hurts.

Speaker 1 A bone is like a stick.

Speaker 1 Bones and stones may break my bones.

Speaker 1 You couldn't break.

Speaker 2 You saw me launch that goblin.

Speaker 1 You broke bones.

Speaker 1 I mean, look, listen, I heard what was going on out there. It sounded like a skeleton colliding with a guy to kill him.
So, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sounds like a broken. Broke some bones.
Yeah. Okay.
Riddle number three. Sure.

Speaker 1 What must be cleaned

Speaker 1 before

Speaker 1 it can be washed?

Speaker 1 Once sinful soul, you must cleanse yourself of any impurities before you can truly wash in the radiance of Rhodos the Sunlighter. Okay, relax.
No, that's wrong. Don't tell me to relax.
Okay,

Speaker 1 do not tell him to relax.

Speaker 1 A lot of dishes you have to scrape before you wash them. Yeah.
What? What did you say? Dishes? You gotta scrape them before you wash them.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes!

Speaker 1 Yes, Hafling, correct! What?

Speaker 1 You must clean a plate before it can be washed. Thou art now official members of the Clean Plate Club.
That was right. Wow, that was a long shot.

Speaker 1 Fate and the space have brought thee here. The apparition crosses his arms and the chest creaks open.
The same pale blue light that fills the room spills out of the chest.

Speaker 1 Inside the chest is a single branch, identical to the stone version that the statue holds. The apparition takes a deep sigh and a look of peace washes over him.

Speaker 1 Who shall take this? My ancient weapon? Who shall carry my teachings on to others?

Speaker 1 Stick.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't ask for your judgment here. I asked which of the six of you is going to take this.
I'm afraid I have sworn to Rodos the Sunlighter.

Speaker 1 I already have who's its and what's its galore, so not I.

Speaker 3 Well, we didn't have any potty favours, so I think maybe we'd break it up into pieces.

Speaker 1 No, please don't. Everyone takes a chunk, no? Makes a neck.
No, no, no, no. One of you must choose.
Hmm.

Speaker 2 Petra?

Speaker 1 Whoa. It's good.

Speaker 1 It's like a parting gift because she didn't have sex with that guy. Yeah.
All right. All right.
I'll take it.

Speaker 1 Petra steps up to the chest and removes the stick from it.

Speaker 1 The blue glow grows brighter as Petra wields the stick.

Speaker 1 The apparition speaks. My weapon is yours now.
Wield it wisely.

Speaker 1 My task is fulfilled. We shall meet again in the space between.

Speaker 1 There is always room in the footbag circle.

Speaker 1 Farewell.

Speaker 1 The apparition disappears.

Speaker 1 The room turns dark.

Speaker 1 Petra holds the stick as it glows brighter, and she puts the stick inside of her

Speaker 1 garment of some kind. Yeah, okay.
Hey, what's she wearing?

Speaker 1 I mean, she's wearing like a. Yeah, you know, she's wearing a tunic.
Loose robe? What kind of adventure is this?

Speaker 1 It's your religion, isn't it?

Speaker 1 The seven of you exit the secret room and out into the nave and walk through the goblin lair and out into the bright sunlight.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, you sort of have to step over the corpses.

Speaker 1 You exit the rough wooden door as the sunlight just disappears over the mountains.

Speaker 1 Petra seems to be some sort of mantle-bearer of this religion you've never heard of.

Speaker 1 Surely it could not possibly compete with that of Rodos the Sunlander. No, of course not.

Speaker 1 I think in thousands of years, people are definitely still going to be chatting about Rhodos and not whatever this stick's about.

Speaker 1 Yes, thank you, Larry.

Speaker 1 Larry, I have heard much of you, but meeting you in person, I find you most agreeable.

Speaker 1 Hands off! Ace taken! Yeah, I'm married now. Not in that way.

Speaker 1 I am sworn to a life of chastity. Really? Your witty banter continues as

Speaker 1 you walk back through the forest towards West Clamley.

Speaker 2 And those mimosas.

Speaker 1 Yes, of course. And Duane the Ork Johnson easily carrying the whole cask of orange ale and the crate of all the Garfons.

Speaker 1 You return them to Scrimp Crimpley, whose name I I barely remember.

Speaker 1 And you climb into your beds at the Three Fawns Inn.

Speaker 1 Larry's sleeping. Good day.
It's Larry's sleeping day. No, no, it's nighttime.
This took a long time. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Climb into your beds at the Three Fawns Inn. Larry's sleeping, curled up like a dog in front of the fireplace because the inn is full.
My wedding bed is by myself on the fireplace? Next to his poodle.

Speaker 1 We're in a fight, Larry. We're in a fight.

Speaker 1 Readying yourselves for the next Legumi's adventure.

Speaker 1 Until next time!

Speaker 3 Any final words from Petra?

Speaker 3 No!

Speaker 1 We did it, guys. We did it.
We made it. We made it.

Speaker 1 That was fun. Very fun.
Folks, thanks so much for listening to this final one-shot podcast. We hope you enjoyed the Legumi's Adventure.

Speaker 1 We will see you next time when we release episode one of the Young Old Derf Chronicles. See you in December.
Thanks for listening. Goodbye.
Bye.