D01: The Derfect Crime

Okay, I see. There's a little red light on here.
Does that mean it's recording? Yes, it does. Yes, now you just talk into it.
Oh, that's nice. Red light's very nice.

Red light means stop, but in this case, it means talk.

Sure. Okay,

let me just talk. I'll just talk it out.
That's what they say.

Derf is my name, and Derf is actually my game. But who is Derf? I'm

an adventurer,

Zima warrior, commander and conduit of the space. Uh, but most of all, I'm a sweetie pie.
Excuse me, I'm sorry, you are recording. Sorry, you're interrupting a very important memoir.

You are recording memoir in my shop? Well, I'm gonna wander around, do it, juck around while I do it. I want to take people there.
That's why I'm doing an audio memoir. Anybody can write stuff down.

I'm not a caveman. That tape recorder cost 34 croon.
Hmm. I don't have that.
How about this? I'll pay you in

a tale. I'll pay you in a tale, a tale of dirt.
Not remotely worth it for me, I don't think.

This is a a memory. You can't.
Money can't buy a memory. No, money cannot buy a memory, and memory's bad.
I cannot buy a 34-crown paper corporate. You know what? Fine.
You know what sucks here?

Your ambient music. It's bad.
So I'll see you later, and I'm not paying for it.

Okay, yes, I am.

Where were we?

The young old Derf Chronicles. Chapter 1.

I was conceived in.

I don't want to get into that, I guess. Maybe I'll jump ahead a little bit.
Let's do chapter 7. After I had gone through a long,

and I mean long puberty. Like, wow.

What the?

Am I getting a cough?

Here's a pro tip. Mute before you go to memoir.
Put your phone in memoir mode, and then you can get to talking about your life. Hello?

Ah, I missed him.

All right, where was I? Chapter seven. This is where the memoir gets sexy.
People, this book's gonna be everywhere. It's gonna be in spaceports.

People will buy this, and then forget it at the terminal. And that's fun.
That's crude. That's crude, right in the bank.

So, chapter seven. I decided on crime.
Like all great...

Sentients, I decided on crime. And I'd find my way back to freshness much later.
I'd fall in with a band of sneak thieves. We were about to commit the robbery of a lifetime.

But I'll tell you what, when you're out there fighting a good fight, running from the law, your best friends, compadres, we would die for each other. That was us, the good old gang.
What a crew.

We were led by this really interesting guy, and Rod. Well,

I could almost hear his voice right now.

All right, all right, everyone present and accounted for.

It's time to go over the plan. Let me run you through it.
First up, little Barbie boy, who's going to do the same thing that made him famous all those years ago.

No doubt you'll win them over instantly, allowing us to sneak in undetected.

Then, once we're inside, clacker. Yeah, that's me.
You'll render us invisible to security cameras, yeah?

I'm in.

But now it's too early. Oh, there you are.
I'm out. Oh, for now.
Alright, Wonderful. So, we'll make our way up to the money floor.
Clark, that's where you come in.

You're going to plant explosive charges all over the floor. It'll be

a blast.

Right, outstanding. Then, we've got Lucky Stucky, don't we? Oh, yeah, baby.
We'll need you to take some security items off the guards there to make our way through the money floor.

I do have sticky fingers. Hey, my keyboard.
Literally, literally, yes. Lucky, don't just wave those about because you've collected quite a few objects.
Snaps. Yeah, yeah, that's me, see?

Safe cracker extraordinaire. You are not needed on this job.

Doji, our driver. Too cute.

Exactly right, Doji. It will be a high-powered rail scrambler.
Very smart, very intelligent boy. And then this young chap to my left here, he's dirt.
Yeah.

Now he will be replacing Marky Mike, which is a shame, but he did get a bit too old to be the acrobat, didn't he? I am young, so there's no worries about that. I'll never get old.

We ought to call you Young Dirk because of how young you are. I like the sound of that.
Haha. You're bringing in a brand new guy that didn't hit the business building.

How do we know he's really an acrobat? Young Dirth, if you'd be so kind.

That boot?

Whoa!

Yes, young spine, strong.

And with that, I think it might be best if we synchronize all our watches now.

Well, we've got to stay in time, haven't we? We've all got to be on the exact same frequency, the exact same.

Well, just imagine if one of us were to go up to the money floor before the security camera.

Because,

you know, we haven't planned everything just to let it go all willy-nilly off of any old...

Well, because that's how a good heist works.

Well, because we're criminals.

Well, it's because we've decided to live this life outside of law and order, Deuji, because the capitalist system has funneled us towards the margins of society.

You know what, Doji, why not you stick around and we can really have this out. Everyone else get to the rendezvous point, yeah? Okay.

All right. Baby, the real chatter mugs are.

Blue team, this is red team. Red team nearly in position.
What's your status, mate? Just one guard. And I'm at maximum stickiness.
Absolutely fantastic. Why don't you go ahead and start this party?

Don't be a hero. You're not a hero.
No hero. Nobody moves.
Both of you on the ground. I mean, gravity dictates that we're all sort of.

Very fine working team, sir. Now plant those charges, get ready to blow.
I reckon we have 90 seconds before we see the coppers, all right? All right, can't wait to get my hands on a safe, see?

Get cracking. Snaps, I told you you don't need to come along on this job.
There's no safe. But I brought my steroid, see, and my little club.
Now, Clark, love, where are we with the explosives?

Completely done. They're at every connection point.
It's gonna be our

blast. Yes.
Outchucking standing. Alright.
We're gonna blow the floor and we're gonna take it out.

We have to be surrounded.

Look at the badge.

Little Bobby Boy, dance.

Little Bobby Boy, dance is a distraction.

I'm Lil Bobby Boy. Look at me, dance.
You knew me from the movies. Now I'm a man.

I'm Lil Bobby Boy. Look at me, dance.

Wow, wow. Look at my fingers.
Look at my toes.

Look at my hat. And look at my soul.
The only thing that kid's stealing is my heart. I'm Lil Bobby Boy.
Used to be a boy, but now I'm a man.

Look at me now.

Wow. What a world-class performance.
We'll be on our way. Apologies, sir.
Alright, let's move out. Move out, move out, move out.

Doji, what's our status?

Oh, don't worry, love. We've got snacks of plenty once this mission's over, but we are in position, are we not?

Capital news, Doji, Capital Indeed. Sorry, uh, excuse me.
Whoa, who are you? Uh, my name is Mint Gorgler. Um, I'm an associate here on the money floor.

I guess I just have one question for you guys. Uh, I don't understand how you're planning to steal any money from the money floor.
The money here is digital currency.

The second any of it leaves the geofence, it becomes a jumble of ones and zeros, completely worthless to anybody.

Yeah, yeah.

What's this? Oh, hello.

Okay.

Yeah, go for men. Hi, yeah, this is Altie Crisworth.
Now, listen, Love. You ever play Gonju? Oh, yeah, there's an oversized one at the bar I go to after work.
Very fun, very fun.

We've all enjoyed a good game. Now, what we're going to do is blow this floor free from the supports of the tower, right? Like that game, we're going to just yank the whole floor.

And that way, none of the digital currency will be erased, and we'll be able to offload it at our leisure once we've stolen it. But what about the 40 floors above the money floor?

That's the sector's largest children's hospital! You said you'd play Gonju. Yeah.
Yeah, so you know that if you yank fast enough, it just falls straight down, doesn't it? Not in my experience.

Well, it sounds like you're not a very good Ganju player.

Clark, love, are we ready? Ready. Alright, doji, love, just fire the grappling cables.

Full retro rockets.

Oh no, we're not going nowhere. What's happening?

Oh no. What's going on back there? I can't see a face.
The charge blast has lodged one of the cables into the ceiling rigging. Oh, it's such a narrow point.

So we have to jump through the air, but kick it at the height of the jump. Oh, oh.
Would you tick higher, though? I can't. Look at my feet.
They're stuck here at the bottom of my legs.

All of ours are. Someone's got to get it, but it's too far away, there's too much space!

Space?

Wait.

How did you do that?

You did it!

All 40 floors above the 13th floor just landed cleanly on top of the rest of the building!

This makes me want a tent dance!

The children are safe!

Assembled sentients, congratulations to each and every one of you for becoming the richest scoundrels in the sector.

That's only on the job.

All right, I'll do one. Back to the

derf!

That Derf is young. Derf, welcome to the crew.
You really helped us get across the finish line. What are you all gonna do with your cut?

I'm gonna pay my mind too.

Young Derf, how about you? I don't know. I didn't go to school.
I sort of just wandered around the verse at Caterwadered. I don't believe in formal education.

You got any loans?

My cater loans.

I thought catering paid you, though. Well, but here's the thing: you gotta invest early in a white shirt that doesn't quite fit you, and then a little bow tie.
They make you buy the bow tie?

Well, what do you think they give it away? It's not charity. Bow ties? That's the fanciest tie.

This is the greatest party I've ever been to, say?

I uh I stashed some orange beer in the top, the upper deck of the toilet. I'm gonna run back and get them, all right, guys? Keep the party going.

During the heist, you stashed this deck of the toilet.

The upper deck, the top part. You don't want to stash beer in the lower part of the toilet.
That's a very visible. First off, someone's going to steal it.
Second off, someone's going to pee on it.

Anyway, keep the party going. I'll be right back.
I love you guys.

We're going to live forever. And we love you, Yukta.
We love you, Sam.

Welcome to the toilet. Oh, okay.

I put some stuff in the upper deck. Could I just grab that out of there? Lower deck opening.

Uh no, I just need this stuff from the upper deck. I said like six orange beers.
Shouldn't be a I stashed them there. Upper deck opening.
Nothing there.

Uh sorry, do you know where the orange beers?

Oh my rot.

What?

Oh my Rod.

Clacker! Stucky! Clarp!

Alfie!

Snaps!

Little Bobby Boy! You've all been shocked to death.

Somebody's set us up.

What?

What? Who would do this? Young dove, come close to me.

Alfie, come close to me. No, no, no, no.
I have last words. No, no,

no, but I'm the mastermind of the whole thing.

I think I'm gonna

carry it to others.

Guys, guys, the thing about your last words is you have to be very specific with them. It's important.
You can't like just toss it off.

Behind you.

Same?

Your last words are behind you? Same? Your best days are behind you. Behind you, sir.

What?

And that, dear reader, is the first time that old Derf died. And come to think of it, you know, I mentioned all those my good friends.
I didn't actually know them very long.

And when I said we die for each other, I meant we die with each other. Because that's what happened.
We died right there as a group. And that's how much closer can you be?

Ah.

Stress enough that the airwaves and subspace channels are compromised, and therefore we must confine all communications to these data cassettes, which we record over and leave at junk shops and garage sales for the next best friend to pick up.

That is why I, Phoebe Runf, master of espionage and intelligence, have chosen this cassette, which appears to be some sort of self-produced jam band album. Anyway, the plan is perfect.

As you know, Ross, the rebellion that we have built stands upon the shoulders of many who came before us. Skrengera.
The Finkersham Collective. Twinkle.

Nearly a century in the making, and finally, our time to strike approaches. Knowledge, as I've always said, is power.
We know the monarchy's every move.

We have the plans to their super weapon, and we know its critical vulnerability.

And speaking from personal experience, if I may digress from the Galactic Rebellion for just a hot sec, no knowledge is more powerful than that of your own finances.

And that is why I use Rocket Money.

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I have always thought, obsessed with intel and surveillance as I am, that I had a handle on the amount of croon I had going out of my account each month. Boy, was I wrong.

But Rocket Money shows me where all my money is going and helps me make better decisions so I can keep more cash in my pocket.

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Go to rocketmoney.com slash zix today. That's rocketmoney.com slash zix.
Rocketmoney.com slash zyxx.

I must cut this missive short, as I am at the rendezvous point, which, as you know, is a yard sale in the Herbal District of Warangus IV. And I.

Good God, these people are trying to sell used socks. And a Nortan deck with half the cards missing.
Is this who we're fighting for? Just curate a little bit. It's not that hard.

Okay, the thing with this thing is it was working a minute ago. It's a press this big button here.

Wait, wait, oh, oh, mama, red light on.

I figured it out. Okay, now, where was I, brain? Used on my brain on the light.

Okay, yes, the heist. So, we celebrated and then they died.
And then, twist, I died. And this is where things take an interesting turn.

You ever wake up in a place, you're like, what? This is weird. Well, that's what I did.

Monquats come together.

Time to check in on their bodies to make sure they are dead.

Still dead. This mom's still dead.
Still dead. Still dead.

Where are they?

Not dead. Welcome to the morgue.
Welcome to the morgue. You are not dead.
Finally. Checking if they are dead makes sense.
Mor morgue? How did it get here? Where's where's the rest of my crew?

Dead.

What?

Welcome to the morgue!

Welcome to the morgue. Silence, you stupid droids.
Get out of here. Welcome to the morgue.
I know, I'm I know.

I'm aware I'm in the morgue. Get out of here.
Here, get into this drawer.

Sorry, the droids are so annoying. Why are there so many of them? Just wild overspending on morgue droids.

Do you work here? Who are you? I I just woke up here in this morgue alive. And you have no idea how.

That's right. I'm here to tell you.

I am Zapzop.

Zapzop? Hmm.

Zemo Master.

To answer your questions. Yes, you were dead.
But you've been resurrected. Thanks to your connection.
with a power that we call

the space.

Ooh, the space. I've never heard of that.
But is it like the space between different things, and there's like sort of an inherent energy to it? Wow, okay, that was

pretty right on.

And then obviously, on the other side of the coin, there'd be the stuff, which is like what's in between the space, the different objects that exist in space. It's you're really on a terrier, but

when you think about it, you perceive all of this stuff through yourself. So it's all just like how you take it in and give it a look, you know?

Is that what it is? Okay, you should you haven't heard of this before if this is new to you? You got a lot of that really quickly and really accurately. Yeah, no, I don't know.

I'm just a young thief who likes to juck around. Watch this, backflip.

You think you can do those backflips because you're in shape? I okay, sorry, I have a little pawn channel. You're using the space right now, and you don't even know it.
No one can actually backflip.

The physics of it are impossible.

Everyone who can backflip is a practitioner of the space. Just backflips.
Listen, the backflips are one thing, but you resurrecting from the dead?

Away! Away!

Oh,

you didn't even touch those robots and they moved backwards. How could you do that? A simple trick of creating space between myself and these useless droids.
Wow. Creating space.

Listen, what you're doing is dangerous. Now you have the potential to be one of the most powerful Zebra knights the galaxy has ever known.
Nice.

But you must learn how to wield your power properly, or the risk of whackness is inevitable. Very serious, guy.
This is serious.

You think I'm jucking around when I'm talking about whackness? I can tell you're not. It's a funny word to say if you're not jucking around, but okay.
Come with me to Zebra Prime.

I'll mentor you in the ways of the fresh, so that you may use your power for the good of the galaxy. Zapzap, don't you understand? My friends and I were all just murdered.

This power you speak of, I want it, I covet it. But first, I have to go solve my murder.
Derf, don't you understand? You're wasting your time. Look at these holes.

Yeah, oh, don't put your finger in there. That's that feels really weird.
I'm trying to illustrate something. Only one type of blaster makes this hole.

A Rax Larry and X-29 proton separator. Those have been illegal for the last 30 years.
Finding someone crazy enough to own one would be suicide. Well, it's a good thing that I can't die, Hans Zapzop.

You're making a mistake, Derf. Promise me, promise me you'll return to Zima Prime.
Otherwise, all your potential will be wasted.

I love getting wasted.

I'll see you later.

It's a good line, but it's.

Please come again.

Come again? That's a dark. It's a dark thing for a more fun.

You'll be back. You'll be back.

You'll be

back.

That's much grimmer.

Sorry, real quick before I go. If I drink an orange beer, will it come out my Raxlarian holes?

And so I began my quest to find my killer. And I had to go anywhere where crime happened.
I hit up every dust dent, crime alley, every jerk hole in the verse.

And boy, did I meet some psychos.

What are you doing in this alley?

I'm looking to find someone who knows a little thing about murder. What?

Just because I live in an alley, you think I'm a murderer? Well, you certainly have seen some stuff, right? No, I'm an accountant who lives in an alley. Uh, okay, why do you why do you live here?

You don't isn't there like an alley- Yeah, it's an alley, but I own, all right.

Oh, this is your alley. Got the papers right here.

Papers, this is where garbage goes. Get out of here.
Get out of here. There's no murder in here.

Excuse me, are you a weapons dealer?

I'm looking for a very particular weapon. Oh, go on!

It's a Rax Larian X29 proton separator. It killed me.
Get out.

Get out.

Do you

do you have one, or did you sell one recently?

She has never been this angry.

Why is she mad at me? Are you guys weapons dealers? What's

Yeah,

what are you looking for?

I'm looking. I'm wondering if you sold anyone a Raxlarian X29 proton separator.

Get out. Get out.
Why are you so aghast? It says out on your sign, we sell weapons here.

And we do.

What do you sell? All sorts of weapons.

God, I'm looking for someone. I feel crazy.
I feel crazy, but I'm looking for a

if you sold a Rax Larian X29 proton separator to anybody. Not here! Get out!

Look how angry my wife is.

You guys are married? Yeah. 75 years.
75 wonderful years.

You know what the 75th wedding anniversary gift is. Is it a Rex Larry and X29 proton separator?

It's paper.

Well, hey there, friend. Don't see a lot of people roaming around this empty shuttered carnival.

Yeah, I'm looking for something.

Oh really? Looking for a murderer. Oh

I think I might be able to help you out.

Are you a cop?

What? Are you a c uh cop?

Why would you say that?

You got a cop neck.

I've been told that a lot on the inside. Wait, inside of a prison? Space prison? Yep, yep, yep, yep, in the prison.

And so let me just ask you, what did you say when you were like getting in a fight in space prison? Oh, all sorts of stuff. Are you looking to hire a killer?

Are you a killer yourself? Hey, get your lapel out of my mouth area. It's too close.
Are you recording? Trying to record me? Low battery.

What? What?

Low battery. That's how I always say when I'm good.
I'm going to go get myself a cup. A joke.
You said low battery. A cup of joke.
You're a criminal.

We've got

Oh man, guess there's enough battery in there for your radio to be working.

Hi, we're twins. We're two sexy single twins.
Hi. I'm twin number one, Clara.
I'm twin number two, Clara. We're two sexy, single, single, local twins.
Wow, single and local. Um

has anyone ever told you how six o six?

Sorry, six o'clock sexy and funny you are?

Wow.

No, that's really nice.

I've had

a long day. I'm out looking for I was murdered.
I'm looking for my murderer. Wow, that's so unique.
What do you do for work?

You know, no one ever asks me questions. Thank you, Flara.
It's Clara. Sorry, Clara.
Very fun. Have you ever murdered someone yourself?

Have I ever murdered? No, not yet. Our favorite

activity is

to walk on the beach. That's nice.
Do you do that together? We love working out.

We are a sarcastic, but not too sarcastic.

Do you...

Sorry, what do you guys

do for a living? You work together? Yes, we're entrepreneurs. Yeah.

Together.

What are you, what's your business, if I could ask? What do you do for fun?

uh I guess I'm on sort of a mission right now, so that's a lot of fun. Oh no, our ex-boyfriends are here.

Your ex-boyfriends are here? Both of them. Oh, no.
I'm so jealous. I'm also so jealous.
Who is this man? Who is this man?

I don't want to get in the middle. I'm already in the middle of these.
Don't look at me like that, buddy. Don't look at me like that, buddy.
I'm just... I'm not looking at...
What are your names?

Sorry, just to keep track. I'm Claro.
And I'm Flaro.

These are my ex-girlfriends. Who dated...
Who dated who? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

It's working out. Oh, you guys...
We're sexy.

Sexy units. What caused you guys to break up? I have some questions for my own thing, but like, what caused you guys to break up? We didn't have anything in common.

It's so definitely in common at all. No, I walk on the beach.

Those two like to walk on the beach. We go the other direction on the beach.

The reason I came up to you guys is because I feel like you're very likely to be murdered. So I wanted to see if anyone would show up and murder you.

Welcome to the sewer.

Uh, hi, I hate being here. Uh,

sorry, I'm looking for um, uh, some a killer.

Oh, just because I live in a sewer, you think I'm a killer?

I own, buddy.

I own

you own this. Isn't a sewer just like the absence of a place? It's a hole.

Oh, I'm a killer.

See, I knew it. I knew it.
I don't live here, though. I'm just visiting.
Oh, okay. He's my friend from out of town.
I don't want to interrupt.

I guess. He's here for a wedding, and he's staying with me.
I own.

In the sewer, okay. In the sewer you're staying?

Have you seen the rates on hotels in this town? My interest rate's great, babe.

Babe, did you kill me?

Did I kill you? Yeah.

No.

Okay.

The end of questions.

Is this how you're choosing to investigate this?

Asking killers one by one if they're involved? That's that's it's a long journey.

Whose wedding are you going to that you're you're a killer? You're asking a lot of questions, buddy.

What kind of gun is that? A Rex Larian X29 proton separator? Well, I'm not crazy. I don't carry a Rex Larian X29 proton separator.

What?

Oh, it's there when they're renewing their vow.

It's my super.

What? I thought you owned.

It's a co-op.

He's your super. I got you.

Just when I thought I was getting nowhere, I stumbled into a real upended bucket of a bar on the planet Milsh.

And that's when fate tapped on my shoulder.

Alright, say, my friend, here is a triple big tea. Boy, that's gonna jump me right up.
Friendly reminder. A triple big tea contains dangerous levels of alcohol.

This could lead to impaired judgment, stumbling, or vomiting. Be honest, how friendly was that reminder? My reminders are always friendly.
Goody, you gotta loosen up. Here, try just a sip.

No, don't put me in it. I think you're gonna feel a lot better once I dunk you in this glass.
Exposure to liquid can be harmful to my friend.

I tell you, stay.

I like you in here, but your friend is boring. My friend here is a court-ordered

ethical transgression deterrent anklet. You can call me Goody.

Uh

good ethics.

You're a parole anklet. Yes, that is correct.
Okay. I'm part of the monarchy's exciting new criminal justice initiative.
One that replaces imprisonment with reminders.

I even have a little finger I can wag. Oh, yeah? Wag this.

Ah, those are your genitals again.

Hey, uh, barkeep. Oh, what's your poison, stranger? My poison is vengeance.
But I don't drink it. I'm dishing it out, you know? I'm a vengeance tender.
Right, so

I guess like.

Yeah, i'll have an avatar's beer would you like some vengeance is what i'm saying absolutely not i was told this was a place i could find uh

quality beverages no yes no no that much is clear this is a uh spit in the glass joint what that's what they say that's what they're saying so i'm here to find someone you know a little unsavory huh well according to you that could be anybody here right that's right that's exactly right now we're talking i need a real killer.

Oh, you must mean Shay. Wow, that got specific quick.
I love it. Shay! Yeah! This guy wants you to kill somebody or wonders who you killed or is gonna kill you?

Something. Okay, uh...
Anyway, two stools down, sir, is Shay. You mean the three-horned, four-legged creature sitting on that stool? Look.
Alright, you two, my eyes are up here.

And my genitals are down here.

We see that. We've seen them.
Can I study your face? Come closer. Let me just feel the contours of

whoever

you are.

Unauthorized touch. Unauthorized touch.

Do all your ankles have annoying jewelry on them or just that one? It is annoying. Now, why do you

want to know who Shay is? Uh oh, uh, I'm Derf, and uh, I was murdered recently. But murder is bad.

That's all you have to say.

That's all you got, buddy? It's one of the worst.

One of the worst what?

Things

you can do. This is an ethics, bot.

This is not a lot of circuitry. To be fair to him, I have dunked him in my drink quite a bit.
I am going to have to print out a stern remonstration against dunking government electronics and alcohol.

He prints tickets for you? Yeah, for the most extreme offenses, I print out the citations. Mm-hmm.

And you know what I do with those citations?

I do.

I wipe my butts.

But if you do not answer it in 30 days, I must print out another one.

And what will I do with that one? Wipe your butt with it. Yes.

Matez and my child and I are leaving. This place is not family friendly.
Stop.

Never said it was.

You honestly should have left so long ago.

Okay, sorry, not to butt in, guys, but the fact that you're alive,

murder might be bad, but this seems like not one of the worst ones.

How many ethics box we got in this room right now? Everyone got an opinion?

Look, Shay, I need to find who murdered me. I'm looking for an X29 proton separator.
It's the weapon that was used to kill me. The X29 proton separator was actually banned in the Valunin Accords.

It is incredibly dangerous and incredibly illegal!

Illegal! Okay, illegal!

Goody! Goody! Quiet! Or you go back in the triple tea glass. Now,

what does this have to do with me? I want you to be my partner. Help me track down the people that murdered me.
Yeah, yeah, buddy. Okay.
Uh, you know, Shea doesn't work for free, so...

Well, I uh just recently robbed the money money floor, so uh I have 750 million croon somewhere out there.

Also, I can't die, so that could be fun. Oh, that could be fun.
Would you just excuse us one moment? Sure,

did you hear what he just said?

This is exactly what we needed. Yeah, he seems nice.
Oh, baby, we would have enough croon for me to pay off Talbot with some despair. No, but we can't hurt an innocent person.

And also, we'll be lying.

Lying.

Dirk Wesley.

Yes?

I

see something.

I see a beautiful partnership starting here.

Yes.

What do you say? You put it there. And you agree? to join me.

Let's go solve my murder. Well, first we have a couple other things we gotta do.
Let's go do those things and then go solve my murder. And give whoever did it a very stern talking to.

And before any of those things,

pay the bill.

The young old Derf Chronicles are just beginning. There's a mystery to solve, obviously.
Uh, yeah, and I'm gonna die a bunch more times, that's for sure.

But the real key is, the thing you must remember is that oh, oh my,

I have to take this. You know, when you get to be old, you gotta pick up calls when they call twice, because it could be a prostate thing, or it could be like space stuff, eczema.
So I gotta take it.

But

I'll pick up where I was another time. Hello! Dirp on the phone.

My prostate's good. Oh,

you don't need to call it to say it's good.

Just don't call.

This is TH33ND, Credits and Attributions Joy, Commencing Outro Protocol. Young Derf and Old Derf were played by Justin Tyler.

Shay, Lucky Stucky, The Shrill Weapons Dealer, and Morkbot 1 were played by Ali Kokesh.

Goody the Epic Sanglet, Snaps the Safecracker, Morgbot 2, The Guy Who Owns in the Alley, and The Guy Who Owns in the Sewer were played by Winston Mill.

Seama Masters Abzop, Alfie Croonworth, and The Murderer in the Sewer were played by Jeremy Bent.

Clacker the Hacker, The Electronics Shopkeeper, Morgbot 5, The Obvious Cop, Claro and Flaro were played by Alden Ford.

Clark the Demolitions Expert, Morgbot 4, The Gruff Weapon Stealer, and The Milch Bartender were played by Seth Lynn.

Little Bobby Boy, Morgbot 3, The Hideout Toilet, Clara and Flaro were played by Mujan Tolfagari. Doji the Baby Driver was played by Jodi O'Connell.

This episode edited by Seth Lynde and Alman Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme song by Brendan Ryan.
Performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O'Connell, Adam Minkoff, and Jay Fares.

Audio hosting by Simplecast. The young old Dirf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Hello. Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. No sales calls.
Goodbye.

It's a multi-award-winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long.

I don't know what a Josie Long is, and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time.

She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old.
She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on.
Yes, the orthopaedic ones.

I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I? Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast. Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, Mother.

This is musical theater, not a Parisian bordello. Simply go to maximum fun.org.
I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat!

Have you been looking for a new podcast all about nerdy pop culture? Well, I have just the thing for you: Secret Mysteries of Nerd Mysteries.

Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries is a weekly pop culture history podcast hosted by me, host Austin. And me, host Brenda.

We've already tackled mysteries such as what happened to the puppets from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Is Snoopy Mexican? And why do people hate Barney so much?

From theme parks to cartoons to 80s, 90s, and 2000s nostalgia, we tackle it all. Check us out every Tuesday on maximumfun.org and wherever you get podcasts.

MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture.
Artist owned, audience supported. Goody, you've talked a lot about your job, but what about you? What's the bot behind the bot, you know?

What blows your hair back? Literally, never asked him that question.

My function is just to provide good, sound judgment for my charge here.

I also like hobbies, stamps.

No one should receive a citation with a

stamp on it. Each citation comes comes with a very valuable stamp that I give away only to be used for the butt.

Oh,

sent and delivered.

Well, time to sweep up these sit-covered stamps.

Everybody out!