Episode 622: Listener Tales 92

Hey weirdos, it's Ash. Before we dive into today's twisted tale, let me tell you about the spooky perks of Wondery Plus.
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Hello, weirdos. I'm Sir Ledfingers.
And I'm the really terrifying and traumatizing burglar from Sims 1.

I don't know you, but this is a rusty spoon.

It's actually morbid.

Oh. oh I'm terrified anyway it's brought to you by you actually no it's brought to you by Marjorie Stewart Baxter and Jeremy Fisher and Hubert Cumberdale oh no it's actually brought to you just by Hubert Cumberdale and oh oh it's It's actually brought to you by Jeremy Stewart Baxter Jeremy Fisher oh Jeremy Fisher I got confused because you stole all my things this is what I do I don't know guys it got fucking weird in here um something's vibrating is it mom it's mom we're in the middle of listener tales guys you thought last time was weird this time is even weirder because of this well should we get on to the listener tales yeah guys so listener tales is weird now super weird listener tales is weird now listener tales This is literally so weird so weird it's fun though it's so fun because it's after Halloween yeah and we still get to do fun stuff it's still Halloween yeah it's still Halloween in our hearts forever I love this so much I'm having a lot of fun this is fun yeah I'm kind of nervous about um getting this green off my face.
I'm obviously nervous for you.

Yeah, what happened was I got like a green powder makeup by accident and it worked like with water.

I like mixed it and I was able to put it on my face.

But then it wouldn't work on my bald cap because I didn't go actually bald for this look.

I just, you know, put a bald cap on.

You didn't commit, you know.

Listen, I think I committed.

You did.

But did you say you didn't?

I said you did. Oh, I was like, wow.
I said you did oh i was like wow i feel like damn bitch like i feel like i did um but yeah so i'm um there's acrylic paint on top of my head is what i was gonna say and a little bit on her face so and neck we will see how this is going yeah we'll post photos of the aftermath you know we'll see if there's any kind of irritation happening i'm'm excited to see. There's definitely irritation happening right here.
Where Jeremy Fisher is. Jeremy Fisher.
Jeremy Fisher. And honestly, my thing was so easy to make.
But I got this plumb bob. You know this plumb bob.
From Bob the Builder on Etsy. I love that.
So go check him out. He does cool stuff.
Yeah. He was very easy to, he told me how to work it and stuff.

So like Bob forever.

Bob the filter.

I'm going to be starting.

Yeah.

This listener tales experience here.

Let's go brother.

Let's go.

So this one, I should probably go back and tell you what it's actually called.

Yeah.

That's kind of the whole thing.

It's a little hard.

Okay.

This one's called listener tale. It's more of a yoink than a yeet listener tale this one is very funny and i like that a lot uh let's see i'm gonna open it up oh yeah also we went with like a home invasions kind of um theme and like kidnapping sort of because it's like your thing i don't i know you're not a kidnapper no you're kind of a kidnapper you put kids in ovens i know you're right so i just didn't want to talk about it here now sorry i never got caught i never got caught all right so it says picture it the summer of 1977 in a suburb of chicago called cicero cicero famous for being the home of the gangster al capone that's pretty badass that is really badass scary but badass yeah um this also has a picture of sophia from the golden girls on the phone course like picture it the summer of 1977 the heat and humidity of the day simmering off the asphalt in a small there it is there you go in a small brick bungalow style home my mother sauntered about in the stagnant heat of the kitchen her youngest sat upon her hip moi the child so angelic and small was only months old her strawberry red hair plastered to her absolutely adorable and whittle head poetic license will be used and most likely abused in the basement of this bungalow is the rest of the schmucks and staff or i mean my siblings, my coco nine at the time my brother benny ten joe eight rodrigo seven and bobby five they played about in the coolest spot in the house without a care in the world wreaking havoc amongst each other because kids am i right you're right you are right oh and also because boys they do be rambunctious any whoozle as they played about

in the basement and unbeknownst to my mother a man creeped in behind but this is horrifying yeah a man creeped in between the narrow walkway behind between our home and the neighbors he stopped at the small window a window barely any bigger than a doggy door that sat at ground level peering into the basement. He beat on the window until breaking the glass.
Not the glass. Like, there's children in there.
I think that's kind of his objective. I hate that.
I know. I hate him for that.
I do too. Near that window was little Bobby.
Not little Bobby. Not little Bobby.
Bobby. Standing there with his little root beer belly, chubby cheeks, his dark hair growing darker with sweat.
The man reached in and yoinked him out of the basement. Yoink! And into the oven.
Bye-bye, little Bobby. Bye-bye.
I didn't say that. You did.
Coco, Benny, Joe, and Rodrigo ran upstairs to the kitchen. They reached my mom, started pulling on her shirt.
Mom! Mom! They started yelling. He grabbed Bobby.
He grabbed Bobby. He pulled him out the window.
Here's the thing. I would have died if I was that mother.
Yeah, on impact. Your kids run up to you and say, he grabbed Bobby.
He grabbed Bobby. He pulled him out the window.
Dead. How do you react to that? She throws the baby and goes to get the bomb.
Holy shit. my mother obviously in shock handed the golden child the beautiful little baby so sweet and innocent to her sister coco and went down to the basement to see the destruction for herself not quite believing what she heard as the kids said the window was broken with only small shards still small shards only small shards still only small chards what is it charge shards it's shards it's shards correctly yeah okay it's like small shards i don't know why that sounded so wrong in my head still sticking inside the frame the police were called and alerted to the situation i'm horrified for your entire family very scary as everyone went outside to wait for the police my brothers pointed to the elderly neighbor sitting in the backyard rocking away on his glider while drinking mommy he is the man who took bobby no just went across the street no next to the elderly neighbor was a little dark boy with his own drink it's bobby what the fuck is going on here hello what is going on if you guessed that it was my brother sitting with the neighbor you would be correct yes the elderly neighbor was lonely and just wanted to share a beer and a chat with someone i'm sorry yeah i'm sorry no he wasn't all there no yeah no his family was located and called to help His son arrived and was very apologetic eventually our neighbor was placed in a nursing home to get the 24 7 care he needed and all was well again that is so sad i know it's so horrifying it's so sad on so many levels because um childhood trauma immediately for bobby and then like obviously that neighbor like didn't wasn't all

there didn't mean any harm but like holy shit yeah even though there was still glass left in the frame little bobby was not injured at all in my best keith morrison impression i don't see bobby drinking much beer could it be because of this incident could it be because he prefers the harder stuff we'll never never know to this day my siblings still refuse to answer the question of

did he really reach down and grab him or did you all just lift him up as an offering i love that i love it so i love that so good that's a good one i like that one and can i say your name let me you may use my name april april for that, April. I didn't want to call you out if I couldn't.
April, we love you. April, that was a good one.
And horrifying. Horrifying, but like had a happy ending.
It did. And it was funny.
Yeah, exactly. So I like that one.
All right. My next one is, I think I can say your name.
Yeah, I can. Okay.
So this is the time I almost had a play date with a kidnapper. I hate this.
Yeah. Hello, wonderful ladies.
I want to start off the story by saying the usual. You are amazing and thank you so much for doing what you do.
I found your podcast while listening to my girls over at National Park after dark. We love them so much.
And I've been hooked ever since. My name is Devin and yes, you can use my name.
Hey, Devin. Hey, Devin.in hey devin what's up devin how are you devin this story takes place in the good old early 90s hell yeah when kids like me often ran around unsupervised outside and i was usually barefoot my family didn't have a lot of money i lived in a small rented house on the outskirts of anatoch i think it is i.
I like it. Antioch.

Antioch. Somewhere in California.

I just said California.

I have to go.

We're struggling.

We really are. It's kind of late.
All right. You lived in California.
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It was seemingly a normal summer afternoon,

and being the oldest child with an infant sibling to entertain me,

I was playing out front of my house alone. My family—sorry, I need to zoom in because i'm literally blind it's who i am it's very hard it was a seemingly normal summer afternoon and being the oldest child with only an infant sibling to entertain me i was playing out front of my house alone my family home had a giant white birch tree in the front yard surrounded by grass and a small garden oh that sounds lovely it's gorgeous gorgeous um the yard was enclosed in a giant cast iron gate thank god more on that soon uh-oh it had ivy stretching up around it and it smelled of fresh herbs in the summer evenings that's gorgeous and beautiful and lovely lovely.
I love it. You're setting a scene.
Definitely. It says, my mother was just in, or sorry, why can't I do this? You know, I don't know.
Sometimes it's hard. You became a different thing today.
I did. That's a lot.
Yeah, this isn't Salad Fingers first. This is Salad Fingers first rodeo.
It is. So give him a minute.
Yeah, give him a minute. All right.
This says, my mother was just inside caring for my sister when this story occurred. I was sitting in the grass playing with one of those cheap balls you see at the grocery store in those giant bins that you either wanted to climb into as a kid or throw balls over the top of.
You know what I'm talking about. Absolutely.
I do. I still love those.
I always just picture somebody taking a ball from like the inside or the inside like bottom and then everything just like plummeting down. Tumbling down.
Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Yep.
I love it. It was common for people to walk by my house.
There was a small cafe up the road on the corner and many people from our neighborhood frequented it. My house also backed up to two separate cemeteries and I spent a lot of time getting to know each person buried in them.
But that's a story for another time. Devin.
That's a story for right now, Devin. Yeah, Devin, that's always a story for right now.
Come on. I love that story.
I love that. I wasn't in the front yard long when I noticed a strange woman accompanied by a blonde girl a bit older than myself walked by with a small child of a stroller.
I was immediately intrigued. Another child in the neighborhood? I didn't know them, but I was desperate to have somebody else to play with.
The woman sees my interest and stops in front of the gate to my house. This startles me as I was taught stranger danger like everybody else.
However, the woman seemed okay and she had kids with her. How bad could she be? I was taught that if I was ever lost to find a policeman or another mom with kids, so this mom couldn't be bad, I wandered over to the gate oh no wrong and even my small child brain knew it.
The woman then asked if i wanted to go play with my ball with her daughters no she reached through the fence and touched my arm a full grip on my wrist it was then that i knew something was wrong for real the panic set in my brain yelled at me to step back but i I was frozen there. Parents always tell you about stranger danger, but how often, as a kid, do you actually experience it? I don't like this at all.
She's upset! The plumb bob! I don't like this at all. He said no, no, no.
I'm mad. Maybe sensing my concern, the woman asked if I wanted to set up a play date and asked if my parents were around.
She quickly looked over to me and around toward the house. It was then, thankfully, that my mom rushed outside and yelled at me to get away from the fence.
Yeah, get the fuck away from her. Yeah, get away from that cuckoo lady.
I backed away, releasing myself from the woman's grip and ran to my mom. Without even another word, the woman and the girls quickly walked down the street, pushing the stroller out of sight, and I don't remember ever seeing them again.
But the story's not over. I was gonna say didn't I if I was that mom I think I would have like linebacker style tackled that woman to the ground.
Honestly. What are your intentions? What are you doing here? Let's just say I got a very stern lecture from my mom about not talking to strangers that day and never played out front of that house unsupervised ever again.
No to 2009 now i'm in high school and i live across town from where i grew up i see that on the news a little girl kidnapped in 1991 was held captive but found on the outskirts of california the outskirts of that town i can't say yes that's right ladies i grew up and lived around the fucking corner from J.C. Dugard.

Shut the fuck up.

While she was held captive for 18 years. Isn't that fucking bonkers? I didn't see that coming.
No, nobody did. I did not read these ahead of time.
I did not see these coming. Yeah.
What the fuck? Yeah. Yup.
The woman I met that day, Nancy Garrido, I think it is. What the fuck? The kids I met, JC and her firstborn daughter.
Not her sister. I have...
I'm without words. Without words.
I'm without words. Can you imagine? No.
And to know... One, to know that you, like, happened to have an experience where you like met her and then two to realize that nancy was trying to kidnap your ass too to add to the whole thing and oh my god and your mom is probably like holy shit that was just jc what and your mom's like thank god i was paying attention yeah like mama ran out there and was like get the fuck off my property shit yeah i felt absolutely sick to my stomach to my fucking stomach watching the news this poor girl was trapped in hell my entire childhood only a few thousand feet from where i played and slept and lived every single day wow my mom and i immediately looked up the address of where jc was found and saw that she was hidden only eight houses away from us on the...
Wow.

I'm so glad you didn't.

Thank goodness, Devin. guess now what might have happened to me if i had gone with that woman that day i'm so glad you didn't thank goodness devon thanks for listening to my tale and maybe later i'll write in about some other tales i have like when i was subpoenaed to testify in front of a court as a witness for when i stopped a home invasion and accidentally broke up a crime ring in my neighborhood keep it weird much love devon devon come on you gotta you gotta send us those tales some stories some stories Devin you're happy again my goodness I'm happy to hear it yeah holy shit crazy that was crazy I did not see that coming that like shocked me when I was reading it I was like wait wait what what oh wow sorry that just like ringed off whatever damn damn that's crazy right alright that's nuts nice no no jeremy's mine i can't believe you just did that to me you can't steal my salad fingers i gotta tuck them back in so they look more realistic if you had a rusty spoon i'd steal that i know i actually feel so fucking remiss i was gonna make a rusty spoon and then i just completely forgot that's And it's not something you can just whip up in a minute.
You know what? The rusty spoon is the friends we made along the way. I like that.
Put that on my tombstone and never explain it to anyone. No context whatsoever.
All right. So the next listener tale is listener tales, home invasions.
Hello. Firstly to Ash's cats.
Secondly to you gorgeous, gorgeous gal. I'll tell them you said hi.
My name is Molly. Okay.
Feel free to use all my names, all the names in the, in the thing. You guys remind me of the lovely relationship between me and my sister.
And you've even inspired us to begin percolating the idea of starting our own podcast do it we both love spooky shit and have some truly hilarious banter at least we think so we think we do too that's the whole reason we started this that means that you're right yeah you're funny i'm not good at expressing my feelings according to my therapist neither is elena but but want you to know that i think you are both badass hilarious intelligent human beings thank you so are you i hope to one day be as spooky and cool of a mom as you alena that's really i hope that too we share that molly and get all the same scissor wielding ghosts to fuck right off and leave my babies alone i also hope to bring more of an attitude into my life and be unapologetically myself while being rocked to the people around me oh i love you so much molly you said i love how supportive you've been of alina's book which i cannot wait to read and you and drew are the absolute cuteness thank you her book is pretty all right oh my god and she's pretty all right tinyurl.com slash the butcher and except don't use that because it's not active anymore go to barnes and noble. Oh bitch you have a whole website.
There you go. Anyway attach our two double space putifas for your reading pleasure.
I won't bother apologizing for length because I already know what you're gonna say. If you read one or both of these on the pod tm I will never stop bragging about every blah blah blah.
I will never stop I broke. I will never stop bragginggging to everyone i know much love molly today we'll read the home invasion tale and then guess what molly you're going to be on back-to-back listener it's true you're coming back we'll read new orleans next next uh month hell yeah i've been doing admin so this one's called fuck kevin and not in the fun way I like that I like that a lot 2020 was a shit year for a lot of reasons

one of those reasons is that it's the year that my apartment was broken into and robbed yes kevin is his real name and i'm comfortable using it because he was indeed caught arrested and convicted kevin by then my then boyfriend now husband andrap. And I were out of town visiting my family, and we left our precious cat children, Ari and Binks.
Oh, I like that. Ari and Binks, back at our apartment in Allington, Vermont.
Virginia. Virginia.
Virginia. Sorry, I said Vermont.
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Spoiler alert. No cats were harmed in the making of this listener tale.
Thank you. We hired a cat sitter to come visit slash feed them once a day.
We were supposed to come back home on a Friday, but made a fateful last minute decision to stay an extra day and come home on Saturday instead. At the time, I regretted this decision, but now I'm grateful for what we did, as it was the last time I saw my mom before she passed away unexpectedly from an undiagnosed heart condition.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Molly.
That sucks. We returned home on Saturday night, and my boyfriend commented that he thought the door was already unlocked when he stuck the key in.
That's the scariest thing I've ever had. I'd say, well, you go check the apartment.
I have to go somewhere. It's been real.
Bye. We brush this off because the lock was kind of janky and he was probably mistaken.
We drop our suitcases and I give my kitty some reunion snuggles. My boyfriend comes rushing out of the bedroom and asks me if I'd moved a small box out of his desk drawer.
I had not. And this is where the red flags started going up.
We search the apartment some more and noticed that a passport, checkbook, and other items were missing as well. That's really scary.
To think that somebody has your passport. Like that's horrifying.
That'd be terrifying. The small box that my boyfriend was panicking over contained the diamond for my future engagement ring.
I know. Oh, he had not given it to me yet.
And this is how I learned that he was going to propose. Oh.
Imagine learning like that. That's so sad.
I know. I plugged our cheap security camera into my laptop and started reviewing the footage.
Video only. There was no audio.
My heart dropped when I got to the footage from Friday night slash Saturday morning around 2 a.m. I can see Ari and Binks excitedly trotting up to the door as it began to open, thinking that mom and dad were finally home.
I see their ears go back and their tails drop as they realize it's not us, and they turn around and sprint to find a hiding place. I see two unfamiliar dickhead men, sorry I added that, just men, come through the door.
Unfortunately, I can't see their faces because the camera was pointed to the floor. It was positioned that way because we bought it to keep an eye on the cats never expecting that it would capture a robbery i break out into tears and call my mom while my boyfriend calls the police two young women police officers show up shortly after and i'm grateful to them to this day for how comforting and kind they were as they took our statements and dusted for fingerprints side note they used a black

powder to dust for fingerprints and binks was very interested in what they were doing he stepped in a pile of powder and left little black footprints all over the place it was adorable and to this day he is known as detective binks dt binks on the case over the next few days we barely slept Honestly, I don't know how you would.

That must be like the most like violating feeling. Absolutely.
To think somebody, two unknown men were in your house. Yeah.
And have all your information. Yes.
Like I, I feel that's awful. Yeah.
We barely slept, pushed furniture against the door at night and patiently waited for the few and far between updates from police.

My boyfriend coped in his way, denial, dealing with the logistics of insurance, etc.

I coped in my own way, going full detective mode.

The sight of the fear hitting my poor babies as they ran for cover was burned into my mind.

Honestly, that would fuck me up too.

Yeah.

If someone upset my animals, I'd be so pissed. you could fight me with these salad fingers fight me you can mess with me you can steal our shit but you cannot fuck with my cats exactly i reviewed the footage over and over looking at every tiny detail i noticed that the intruders picked up the note of instructions i left with the cat sitter reading it to each other and laughing fuck you it's also like why is that funny why why would that be funny and like on it hmm like what like what a dick I reported this to the police and they came and collected the paper for evidence I also noted that my noticed that my boyfriend had been right about the door being unlocked I can clearly see the cat sitter leaving on Friday shutting the door and not locking the locking the deadbolt.
FIRED! She was suspected to be involved at first, but eventually determined to be simply incompetent and cleared by police. Sometimes that's even worse.
Yeah, that really is. Innocent but incompetent? Oof.
Oof. I obsessed over and messed with the footage enough to discover that there was, in fact, audio.
Huzzah! Bitch, you are everything. You're a detective.
It was staticky. Detective Banks and you.
Hell yeah, it was staticky and hard to hear, and I listened over and over again with headphones to try to make out any clues. Finally, I saw one of the men walk over to the camera and can make out the following.
Hey Kevin, there's a camera here. Idiots.
Not only did they drop names directly in front of the camera, but they also left it there instead of taking it. It's like, why would you do that? I mean, I'm glad they did.
But like, why would you do that? You gotta be a special kind of dumb. You sure do.
The footage was on a micro SD card. So if they'd taken the camera, we would have had nothing to go off of.
They unplugged the camera at that time. So we're not sure how long they were there or what else they did.
Chilling. Very chilling.
My hope is that they realized they fucked up and noped out of there

immediately. I forwarded the audio

to the detective assigned to our case

and this is what finally allowed them to catch him.

Turns out the cops had been following

Kevin for several months, connected

to multiple other robberies of homes,

schools, businesses, etc.

They knew he was guilty, but until

now they didn't have the hard evidence to convict

him. Hell yeah.

You did it. A warrant was put out and Kevin was arrested for multiple felony robberies soon after.

They searched his phone and found a conversation between him and some other shady character trying to pawn my diamonds.

Can you imagine?

It was never found.

We expect that he ditched it along with the other stolen items once he realized the police were on to him.

Fuck that guy.

Fortunately, my boyfriend is a genius and bought insurance for the diamonds, so we got a replacement for free. Seriously, we were both called to testify in court, and despite being totally hyped about getting on the stand, they did not question me, only my boyfriend.
Stupid. Total bummer.
He doesn't even like true crime. There was also no citywide parade or official commendations for me to single-handedly solving the case, which I feel I deserved.
You did. I also feel you deserved that.
Should we have one retroactively? I think we should. Let's do it.
Anyway, Kevin is in jail now, and though my sense of security in my home is forever damaged, we're doing okay. We moved into a new house back in my Pennsylvania hometown to be closer to my family after my mom passed.
I spent far too much money on a home security system. Love you, Simply Safe.
Simply Safe! But it's worth it for the peace of mind. We are now married and the cats are currently looking at burbs outside the window and enjoying the cool fall weather.
Whether you read this or not, it was cathartic to write it all down. I'm glad.
Thank you for giving me and many others a safe space to share our stories molly molly we love you you always have a safe space here my friends oh you're safe forever here all of you i'm so sorry that your sense of like security and safety in your own home was rocked from that because i understand why it was 100 the same thing would have happened to me yeah that would have freaked me the fuck out damn molly i it, girl. Shit.
But I'm so glad that your man's got insurance on the ring. Yes, that was smart.
He's a smart guy. Smart guy.
He's a smart guy. Smart guy.
We're in the right era. I love it.
We're staying in the right era. In the right era.
Oh, my nose is itchy. Era, era.
That was funny. Sorry, my nose got itchy at a really inopportune time.
Eraortune time ever ever there you go there you go all right my next one is from eli eli eli hello you wonderful ladies my name is eli you can use my name i've been listening since day one and have introduced all my or excuse me many family and friends to you lovelies so not all of them not all of them not all? Not all of them? All right. Just kidding.
We'll forgive you. It's okay.
I'm so proud of all you two have accomplished in these last years. Thank you.
You gals brought me so many laughs, so many tears, and even tears from laughing. I look forward to hearing new episodes every week.
You are my podcast drug of choice. Aw.
I love you, Hila. I know.
We love you. I am also a Massachusetts gal.
More details to come. Hell yeah.
I'm not the greatest at writing, so please bear with me. You're actually really good at writing and really funny.
I was crying when I read this of laughter. Of laughter.
Of laughter. Without any more gushing, here's my tale of the time a demonic man parkoured his way into my apartment.
I'm obsessed with this already. Yeah.
Back in my early 20s, I left home because I wanted a change. I met a guy when I went on a trip to Canada and we hit it off.
I decided not to go back home, much to the shock of my family, job, and friends. Fuck, you only live once, right? YOLO.
Here I am in Montreal on my own for the first time ever. We got a place in a big apartment condo.
You know the type. Multiple floors, multiple apartments on each floor.
floor your typical seinfeld situation where you have to be buzzed into the building and all that jazz my apartment was on the first level but there was an entire garden level below those are air i liked that air quotes with the salad finger you're welcome every apartment on the first level all the way up to the top level which uh was i think eight had these mini balconies off the living room on this day after staying up way too late playing video games i decided to call it a night around 1 a.m ah the before children days i head to my bedroom and get ready for bed not more than a few seconds after i lay down i hear this loud yelling coming from the alleyway between my building and the ones next to mine picture this alleyway like sideways T shape. Looking out my window The yelling was so disturbing.

It was no spoken language I had ever heard of.

It was seriously demonic.

The voice was deep, raspy, but had this sharp edge to it,

the type that would make you want to cover your ears the words made absolutely no sense at all now me being the nosy ass bitch i am i immediately jump out of bed and go peep out the curtains to see what the actual fuck is going on hell yeah i would have done the same thing no i'm if i hear a commotion out the curtains i peek oh yeah i'm gonna go vacuum the grass literally like i gotta know what's going on. I love those TikTok videos when people will start doing that.
Like sweeping the grass. I love it.
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Well, there's a man running down the alley toward my building uh-oh he's waving his arms all over but that is as much as i would i could make out it was extremely dark and there's minimal lighting in that area as he's making his way toward the building a car turns in the alley behind him it had sirens so clearly it was the police chasing said man the entire time he's shrieking this ungodly noise heading straight toward what seemed like me oh now at ground level there's a small retaining wall it's literally like three feet tall and he jumps on it and leaps up to grab the bottom of my balcony no yes no yes did you shit your pants i would have because i would shit my pants eli says which by the way is a solid 15 to 20 feet up and i don't know if he was truly possessed or not but i shit you not he hoisted himself up like he was an olympic pole jumper without a pole what the fuck he just had like a 20 foot vertical like what's going on some street parkour american ninja warrior shit get that man a contract somewhere like what the hell i ran right to my night table where i happened to have stashed an eight inch blade in the drawer just casual things that's eli right there and pull it out yeah i know i just pull it out just pull it right out i know i said i would mention this but i'm from this wonderful little gem of a city called brockton oh have you guys ever seen the menu go watch the menu go watch the menu now i know you two gorgeous ladies most likely know about this special little shithole but the rest of the world probably doesn't feel free to insert whatever oh that was amazing i basically grew up in an area where you sleep with one eye open in nicer terms. Yeah.
It's called the city of champions, but that's far from what it is. Champion.
To any other Brocktonians, don't come for me. You know it's true.
So knife-wielding me runs into... If you know...
Ickyick. If you know Brockton, you know.
You know. Ickyabick.
So knife-wielding me runs into my living room as my balcony screen door opens and the inner door is being rammed on by this demon asshole yes this fucker is still chanting damn i know you're probably thinking hi don't run toward j toward danger but i don't know i just had this urge to stand my ground i'm not gonna get that urge you know yeah it just happens like i feel like standing my ground today yeah i just i'm gonna stand my ground right now and Eli says, I'm not going to be caught. Sometimes you get that urge, you know? Yeah, it just happens.
Sometimes you're just like, I feel like standing my ground today.

Yeah, I'm just going to stand my ground right now.

Sometimes it happens.

And Eli says, I'm not going to be caught unprepared.

That's right.

The locks give out and the door crashes inward.

No.

The demon rushes in.

He stops to look around and survey the situation.

We lock eyes.

Imagine if you were just like this. I looked at him.

What if you were just like. Like what if he's just broken and you were just like.
Hey, do you like rusty spoons? Honestly, best home security system ever. Right here.
It's just always be salad fingers at every moment. Because if somebody breaks in and you just rise out of bed and just say, I like rusty spoons.
What are you doing here? They're going to get the fuck out of there. Like, they're going to get the fuck.
If you sit up and say, it's almost orgasmic. They'll be like, bye.
The feeling of rust against my salad fingers. Yeah, they'll leave.
Yeah, it's true. Well, a little tip from us to you yes it's safety tips well la la la la la i said to him while holding the knife don't fucking try me oh that's eli right that's my city of champions that's right eli eli's the whole city yep eli knows his screaming had come to a halt and it was so fucking weirdly quiet.
He looked at the front door, looked at me, the front door, me, and finally vaults over my coffee table to the front door, fumbles with the lock, gets it open, and runs into the building hallway. He said fuck that.
He said fuck that, but then resumes his demonic murder screaming again. Yeah, he took a little pause.
Yeah. Surveied the situation situation and i was like i'll continue out here they they were words but not it's seriously hard to explain but terrifying oh i wish you had audio why didn't you get audio come on audio audio or it didn't happen this entire thing was only like six seconds tops but in the moment it felt like forever now this would be the perfect time for me to shut my door lock it and crumble into a sob but nah girl i ran out into the hallway after him like who's paying for my broken door ladies ladies i don't know why i felt like xena warrior princess some amazonian badass bitch when the reality was a 21 year old puerto rican 5'3 thick and out of shape i'm obsessed i love you you just wait the end of this tale i was already i was crying at this point but then i started sobbing at the next part the demon runs straight into the officers that yoke him up one officer runs to me he looked me up and down and at my knife which i immediately place on the ground and held my hands up like i was the criminal or something he ushers me into my apartment to make sure i'm okay and to get me out of the hallway as some neighbors had begun opening their doors to see what was happening hey did i mention i was only wearing red panties so my fucking coconut fig tip titties were just clapping in the wind can i say that i just love can i say that bitch you can say that you can sing that you can speak that in a poem you can that's eli so so he lied their own eli had their own security uh system in place Eli, I'm obsessed with you.
Your yabos saved you. Your yabos.
I'm so... We love your yabos.
We love them. We love them.
I mean, listen, it was bedtime. Oh my God.
Whoops. Did I mention I was only wearing red titties? Oh, by the way, did I mention my coconut titties were flapping? The fact that this demon motherfucker came walking and, like, bust in through your house like the Kool-Aid man, and you're standing there in red underwear holding an eight-inch knife, and you just said, like, don't even fucking try me.
Queen. He said, queen.
He said, I will not get her a goddamn crown. You are a warrior princess.
Oh, you are.

In asterisk, after covering my goodies with a throw blanket, the officer takes a small statement from me, helps get the door back in place, offers to bring me to a friend's, all that stuff.

But I told him I was fine.

I'd be okay.

Yeah, we're good.

So he left.

I based my living room for a few more minutes, trying to get my heart rate to slow the fuck down and finally go into my room and get into bed.

Here's the best part of this entire fucking crazy story the best part no my man's rolls over and puts his arm around me and says what language was that i am laughing so hard typing this part yes ladies this motherfucking country boy that grew up in the middle of nowhere kept his grown-ass man-self in bed. I'm screaming.
In bed. What? While I'm fucking knife-wielding samurai and keeping us safe.
My response to him? No idea, but I think it was satanic. While he blissfully went back to snoring.
The fact that he just rolled over and was like, what language was that? What do you think he was saying? And where were you? And where were you? A man just burst through a fucking wall. Like, what? Hello? He just broke our front door down.
Damn. Damn, Eli.
I knew from that day on, if we ever had a family and shit went down, I'd have to be the one to protect us. Yeah, Eli for life.
But that's all for my story of my thick ass naked Hispanic lady face off first parkour demon parkour demonic banshee man. I didn't die so that's a bonus.
That's a huge bonus in my eyes. Thank you so much for reading.
I grew up in the Bridgewater Triangle and currently live back here raising my little family. I got lots of spooky and scary stories I could share including my dad almost being murdered in front of me.
The amount of blood will forever be a memory I can't forget. Oh, Brockton.
Or, that wasn't me, that was Eli. Or when my mom's cousin came over and asked what dress she should wear if she died, when in fact, she actually had died the day before and was wearing said dress my mom picked out at the funeral days later.
Or the time my friends and I got attacked in the woods by a group of men and had to ask for help from a nudist colony. Yeah, I have some tales.
Send us all of them. Eli.
One puttapha. I'm not kidding you.
Tale one, tale two, tale three, tale four. One, two, three.
Give me them all. All the tales.
Every tale. It's the holiday season.
Yeah. Give us so we can take it.
I want a full put a foot i want a whole i want a bag full like this of those tales an eli episode an eli episode we'll do a whole episode on eli yeah send us all those tales like threaten me with a good time literally well keep it weird ladies i hope to attend a live show in the future peace out and love always eli Eli Eli For fucking For life For life

For life. Eli for life.
Damn Eli. That was amazing.
So those were our home invasion. That's my computer.
That's my whole computer.

That's my computer.

What?

She doesn't have a burglar alarm.

If you installed one, this wouldn't happen.

What?

I'm just a sound like this.

You're ridiculous.

Sims 1 players will know.

Oh, you guys.

Only Sims 1 players in these streets will know it.

Oh, geez.

I love doing video listener tales so much. Just the fact that, what day is today? Is it a Wednesday? Yeah, it's just a Wednesday.
It's just a fucking Wednesday. It's a Wednesday.
I sent this to my family group chat, and they were like, this is amazing. Like, what? And I was like, yeah, sometimes it's hard to explain what my job is.
Yeah, I came out of the room for a second, and John, oh, just, just working? Just going to work? I love it. I was like, what? And that's because of you guys and we're hella thankful for you.
Yes. We love you.
We want to smooch your faces. We do.
I want to steal your faces. We neglect it.
Don't steal their faces. That's fucking terrifying.
That's what I do. I want to steal your face.
You're like the queen from fucking, uh, what's that movie that you won't let your kids watch and they want to watch oh return to odds yeah queen mosby uh princess uh momby i was so close i was more on like a sweet life no i wasn't there either i was on a sweet life of zach and cody mr mosby oh there you go. Princess Momby.
Momby. Yeah.
Freaky. I just think it's weird that you're going to steal their faces.
But we neglected to mention that this is Thanksgiving today. Oh, it is Thanksgiving while you're watching this.
So, you know, we're thankful for you and happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving.
And turkey and sweet potatoes and whatever else. Oh, I'm so excited for your Thanksgiving.
Alayna's definitely going to have to post some recipes because that bitch. I will.
I'll post recipes. And I'm, oh, I have something that I'm going to do.
I just burped. Please cut that out.
I have some. No.
You should not, please. It was such a dainty one.
Cut it out. It was so dainty.
You can leave it in.

I have something.

Fuck it.

I'm real.

I have something that I'm going to do on Thanksgiving and I'll show you.

I like that.

On Thanksgiving, I'll show you.

I like that a lot.

I'm going to dress like this at Thanksgiving just to be provocative.

Provocative.

I like it.

Right?

Yeah.

That provokes emotion.

Yeah.

Doesn't it?

Absolutely.

It's very provocative. I think it does.
You can't see Yeah. That provokes emotion.
Yeah. Doesn't it? Absolutely.
It's very provocative.

I think it does. You can't see me.
I'm salad fingers. Well, we love you.
And we love doing this. We hope you keep listening.
And we hope you keep it weird. But not so weird that you don't have salad for fingers.

I love salad and I love having salad fingers. Thank you.
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