2025.08.19: One Big TV Network

Well, I would like to start with testicles.

Hey!

He's recording the podcast!

Gunner!

Good morning to you, wherever you are, because it is

for Office ID, 2025.

My name is Bernie Burns.

Why do I feel like my audio is so quiet, Ashley?

What did I do wrong?

It's fine.

You're going to fix it and post.

I hear you just fine.

You know what it is?

Here's the problem.

This is exactly my nightmare has come true.

When I had more than one other person on the podcast, I changed the settings on this third track, and that's the drop track.

So, you know, I don't know what to say.

I don't know how we're going to recover from this.

And I call it the life-changing magic of not giving a fuck.

TED Talks are a gold mine.

I think I'm just going to move to all TED Talks.

All TED Talks, all the TODs.

But here's the thing is then you have to listen to all the TED Talks to find those magic nuggets.

No, no, you don't.

You got that magical tool in your life,

which is on a YouTube video.

You look for the spike.

You look for the lump.

The viewership lump.

Yeah, you start to scrub and you go for the lump.

YouTube is such an interesting interface that is so different

from anything else.

Like even the fact that have you noticed on YouTube Mobile?

There's no way to not have noticed this.

That now they have a thing where if you touch the screen, it goes twice as fast.

Yes, I have absolutely accidentally noticed that a lot.

Whereas every other

platform that I use, if I push the screen, it stops it.

And YouTube is like, all right, we're just going to go twice as fast.

What does that achieve?

Like,

what was the thing that people were doing?

They go, even if you were like a person who's so impatient that I listen to all my videos at 2x speed, I'm not going to hold my thumb.

on the screen the entire time.

That kind of person wouldn't do that.

It's almost like it's an accidental scrub it's almost like it's an accidental scrub but what's the feature like what were they saying like well we found so many people wanted to do what like i get the double tapping on the right side to go forward like 10 seconds or whatever i use that all day that's a great feature but i don't understand what are they achieving by the hold the thumb down to go twice as fast all right youtube algorithm engineer weigh in what it we've got we've got one of everybody would that possibly be what would it possibly be um maybe it's just

i'm i got nothing like if i tap the screen change resolutions, it's like, okay, I guess some people do that, but who the fuck?

That can't be enough to make a whole feature and make it the default.

Make it for everybody, yeah.

Make it for everybody.

Well, speaking of YouTube, did you see the news that YouTube is now trying to cut a deal with the Academy of Film Arts and Sciences?

I said that wrong.

Motion picture arts and sciences.

Yeah, yeah.

They're trying to get the Academy Awards.

So I guess...

My understanding of it is that Disney has basically said they don't really care.

They don't want to host the Academy Awards anymore, right?

They don't care about having it on their network.

So every other network in the world is now being like, well, we would take the Academy Awards.

So, you know, you've got like the Amazons and the Netflixes, but YouTube is also throwing its hat in the ring saying, we'll host the Academy Awards.

And that's an interesting play for them, I think, because it's, you know, they've done live events.

Everyone is getting into really like live wrestling events or live boxing events, that sort of thing.

But like these live awards shows, well, you know,

it's an interesting play, I think.

But what it begs the question: is Jeff Keely gonna host?

Right, right.

Why not have him do every single award show possible?

Because he's the one who's done the game awards, right?

Well, and the thing is, uh, like everyone is the viewership on like every awards show is just going down, down, down, down, down, right?

With one exception, and that is the game awards that Jeff Keely produces.

And, you know, you can dog on it for being commercial all you like.

The viewership is going up, up, up every year.

Yeah.

Right.

It's getting, it's getting bigger and bigger, which just tells me that before you know it, the Academy Awards are going to be like, and the nominees are, we'll be back after these trailers.

After these 14 trailers.

You know, but here's best picture presented by the cast of Dumb and Dumber 8.

It's going to be very mainstream, I think, if it goes to YouTube.

But that's one of the things that may be a necessary thing for some of these awards shows, right?

Because they like to look down their nose.

It's like, well, we care about the academy.

Right.

We're very serious.

It was like, yeah, do you want people to watch it?

Because people aren't going to watch your three-hour thing if there's not things of interest to them.

Here's a fringe indicator for an industry we should have caught years ago.

Years ago.

The big move of everything to massive digital streams online.

Remember when movie stars wouldn't do TV because it was beneath them and everything like that?

Now everyone's doing series.

And now basically the whole world is like one giant TV network is what it is, what it turned into.

We had an indicator for that.

The awards for film were presented on television.

The awards for music were presented on

television.

Everything, awards have to be presented on television.

It is interesting that the format of the thing can't hold its own award show.

on that format.

You mean they're not releasing Academy Awards the movie?

In theaters.

You just go to theater.

It It would be cool, like an Alamo event, where you get all dressed up and you go watch the Oscars in a movie theater, but you would never do it.

Nothing can do it.

It doesn't even make any sense, right?

Right.

Yeah.

So television was the winner all along.

We never even realized it.

It was the boss.

When it came time to celebrate, you came crawling to television.

Motherfuckers.

YouTube is.

And now you may come crawling to YouTube.

What if you had the video game awards?

You had to buy a game.

It was like DLC.

It was like a microtransaction every time you wanted to find out what won a certain category.

What was the category we presented?

I believe it was Best Action Adventure Game.

Was that one of the Batman games one?

Is that what it was?

Who won that year?

Was it Horizon?

I also did one where Machinima had one for a long time.

It was actually weirdly.

It was like the first time I met Adam Kovic.

Was during those.

Yeah, they had gaming awards, and I met Kovic.

He was known as...

Dead Pixel?

That's it.

Dead Pixel.

I can't think of the adjective.

I knew it was Pixel something or other.

Yeah, Dead Pixel.

And yeah, and that was the first time I remember some Machinima Game Awards that I think they had one time.

Well, see, that's the thing, too, right?

Is for a really long time, and I know they still exist, but there were, like, everyone had their own game awards, which also was really fun because then every single game that ever came out could do their game of the year edition.

Because as long as someone said they were game of the year to their

five readers or whatever, they could put out a game of the year edition that included all the patches on the, like, on the CD and maybe the DLC if they were feeling feeling frisky.

Game of the year

is the adjusted for inflation of the gaming world.

Like that's the thing that's like, well, we were, you know, and it's like in television, the way they say game of the year is best new comedy on Thursday nights, right?

All these qualifications.

It's specific to the format.

Best family comedy at 7 p.m.

on Thursday.

Yay!

On this channel.

All the qualifications tell you why this is an amazing thing.

Yeah.

So that was the old game award stuff, but now it's really focused in and it's all it's all about the game awards now.

Having the archives available would be a really great thing to go back and watch that kind of stuff.

But you're are you saying they want to do the actual like live show?

Exclusive.

Yeah, they're like all these networks are basically throwing their hat in the ring to now host the stream for the Academy Awards.

Man, I'm trying to think, what is the dumbest or weirdest exclusive relationship?

Like, why do they have that?

And I need to have that in order to watch this thing.

For me, it's the sports are the weird thing where you can have the Monday night sports, but you don't get the Friday sports.

And you definitely don't get the Thursday night at 7 p.m.

sports.

Don't even get me started on sports.

But that's like that one is the weird one to me.

Like you either get the rights to the league or you don't.

Or you don't.

Why are they carving it up?

Like, why is the Thursday night game, right?

Like, it's like television must be leaking into sports.

Or there's that really weird thing in sports that's localized where you can watch the game on television unless you're in the home market and not enough of you bought tickets.

So we're going to black it out to punish you guys.

That's the weirdest punitive measure I've ever seen in modern media.

Yeah, is that trying to get people to go to the stadium because you have no other choice?

What is that?

I like if it gets far enough down in algorithms and like granular enough where we could say, we're blocking Phil.

Phil didn't go to enough games last year.

So Phil, you're blocked.

You can't watch the pirates play this week.

You lost your permissions.

You're on the outs, Phil.

Try harder.

Can I offer you these Academy Awards in a trying time?

While we're talking about Academy Awards,

Big Academy Award winner is making a return to theaters.

They're going back into production.

When I say that, what movie is going back into production?

We're getting a new what movie?

Marvel.

If I said no.

Oh, Academy Award winner, though.

Hold on.

Academy Award winner.

Titanic 2.

I'm taking you all the way back to the early 2000s, Ashley.

Okay,

when Return of the Kings swept all of the Academy Awards.

We're getting a new Lord of the Rings movie.

What are they?

Right?

Where did this come from?

Not only that, they just announced it's got Frodo and Gandalf in it.

What?

Look it up.

Look up Hunt for Gollum.

From what I understand,

listen,

the tone in my voice is just from how did I not know this?

I'm super excited about this.

Apparently, it's Peter Jackson writing it.

What?

Andy Serkis directing it, and it's got Gandalf in McKellen and Frodo, who I assume will be Elijah Wood.

They're in the movie with Andy Serkis as Gollum.

I'm all about it, but what the hell?

Why are we getting a new Lord of the Rings movie now that's in production in 2025?

All right, so here we go.

The Lord of the Rings, The Hunt for Gollum, will hit cinemas in 2027.

Andy Serkis will direct and star in the new spin-off film.

100% so far.

Here we go.

It was provisionally announced in 2023, so I don't know how I missed it.

I think it was the same time as that Gollum game.

I can see how you missed it.

Oh, yeah.

But like, if those were like tied together.

And I was like, man, Jeff Keeley's going to be super excited.

It might have gotten buried by all the other press for that game.

So, Ian McKellen

announced at a con appearance that he was just at that both Gandalf and Frodo will be in the movie, The Hunt for Gollum.

It is expected to be set between The Hobbit and the Fellowship of the Ring, exploring untold stories from the life of Gollum, including how he was pursued by Sauron, Gandalf, and Aragorn.

I heard the young guys talking about it.

Apparently, they're pretty deep into Tolkien lore, by the way.

Apparently, a big part of it takes place between Bilbo's birthday, which is the beginning of the Fellowship of the Ring, and that weird period when Gandalf leaves and goes to study the ring and then comes back to the Shire to start photo on the adventure.

Well, Sir Ian McCallan said last year he would consider returning to the role of Gandalf if he is, quote, still alive when they are being made.

Listen, I never like to say still alive.

Till you're 90.

For some reason, there's been been like George R.

Martin in the news and these really gross conversations around him.

Apparently, a fan confronted him at a convention.

Yeah, I guess he was like at a convention and a fan basically was like, you're going to die real soon.

Can you consider handing it off to Brandon Sanderson, who was also at the convention?

And you know that Brandon Sanderson is like, hey, don't bring me into this.

Yes, I finished Wheel of Time, but I've got my own thing going on.

Now, don't just suggest me to finish every series that you're not happy with where it's at.

That's, first of all, that's true.

I, like, I understand why people would go, he's done it before, why not again?

But also, where Brendan Sanderson's career is has dramatically changed from when he finished Wheel of Time to now.

He's a busy dude, and he writes fast as hell, but he's writing fast as hell on his own stuff.

He's actually made a statement that he would not finish a song of ice and fire.

because of what the fans would expect from a moral standpoint.

Apparently, he's Mormon.

I didn't know that.

I know he's based in Utah, so it kind of makes sense.

It's a good shot at it.

But apparently, he has openly stated he would never, even if asked, finish that series because he would not be capable of doing it.

He can't write that material.

He said that himself.

And people point this out every single time that Sanderson's name come up.

But by the way.

Leave George R.

Martin the fuck alone, dude.

That is weird behavior to go up to somebody in public and talk to them about their potential death and how it's going to annoy you.

Your fandom.

Get the fuck out of here.

Look, I understand the frustration with a series, especially a series as far along as Song of Ice and Fire, is potentially not getting finished.

That is a legitimate frustration.

And I know a lot of people will throw around the idea of like entitlement, like you're not entitled to

another entry in the series and so on.

And I understand that, although I disagree with it to some extent in that if you were sold a series, if the author sells you a series,

they're selling you a series.

And so it's understandable if you're expecting a series, right?

And including the conclusion of the series.

I can understand being miffed, annoyed, disappointed about where it's at and what we may or may not get from the rest of that series from George R.

R.

Martin in the future.

I don't think it's appropriate to go up to him and be like, your death is really going to inconvenience me in this way.

Yeah, it is.

I get what you're saying, though, too.

It's like, even before that, though, George R.

Martin does have to sign up to go to a goddamn convention in 2025.

You got to expect you're going to get some dumb questions.

We talked, we dedicated a whole podcast episode to Q ⁇ A sections

at conventions.

Yeah, so it's like, you know, I'm sure a big part of his promotional appearance is to talk about Game of Thrones in general.

So yeah,

you're kind of walking in.

You're not walking in blind.

Let's just say that, right?

You know, but at the same time, still don't do that stuff, man.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

So I found this quote from Brandon Sanderson, and he said, the point is moot is I wouldn't say yes to finishing a song of ice and fire if asked, and I don't think they'd ask me.

I'd respectfully decline.

I wouldn't be right for the job for many reasons.

I wouldn't want to be, I wouldn't want to put in the content that the series has.

And part of that is due to my religious faith.

Part of it is just who I am.

I don't shy away from difficult material, but I prefer not to get explicit.

So does that say that that series you keep trying to get me to read that I can't get through, the Storm Sword Champions?

Yeah, it's called the Storm Sword champions um yeah and it's all about um uh swords uh who are champions in a storm well they get the champion gets the storm of swords

sword storm what is storm sword what is it hold on now you messed me up i can't think it's anything but storm sword champions

so you try to get me to read this thing it's the stormlight archive i i wouldn't actually recommend that uh be where you

start reading sanderson it's really dense the books are really big and they're Plus, the title is so confusing.

They're kind of like an avalanche.

They seem like they start kind of slowly and then build momentum as they go, but you have to have the patience to get through the early, slow parts to get to the momentum.

Well, based on this quote, too, are they kind of square?

Like, do they walk a straight line?

Gosh,

am I not getting any nudity?

Are they getting people getting stabbed in the throat?

There is a lot of curtains across the room.

Oh, is there really?

But, you know, it's also, for me, I really enjoy Stormlight Archive.

He's just released the fifth book, which is, so it sort of finishes this era of Stormlight Archive.

And

not my favorite.

I haven't really talked about it, but

it's good.

It's fine.

But it spends a lot of time.

These are her opinions, by the way.

These are

after her.

But I don't think it's the height of the series.

You know, I feel like it's trying to, I don't even know how to describe it.

Can I tell you a funny story?

You may.

We're talking about curtains being drawn across.

This was

in the era before the internet, and it's an era before my memory.

So I don't know if it's true or not, but we're going to tell it anyway.

My mom told the story about she took me to go see a James Bond movie with the family.

Okay.

And I was very young.

You saw so much appropriate shit when you were little.

Oh, Alien's the big one.

They took me to see Alien.

I was four because I liked Star Wars.

So they took me to see Alien.

Basically, the same thing.

They took me to see Amityville Horror, which is a story about ghosts attacking kids and the parents are powerless to see it.

I watched that at a friend's house when I was not supposed to, and I had nightmares about it for months.

I was scared for a decade about the glowing eyes outside of the window when they go to shut the window.

I went back and watched that recently.

I'm like, this, I spent energy being scared of this.

Oh, God, I should go watch it again because I did.

I would like wake up from a nightmare thinking I just saw those eyes.

Yeah.

Every now and then, too, I get triggered by something.

There was a post I saw on Reddit.

It's not of my era.

We'll post it in the LinkedIn.

But if you're a millennial, apparently apparently there is some kind of ray gun that every time you pull the trigger, it plays a different sound.

And millennials didn't even remember the ray gun, but they could tell you what sound was going to come next.

It was so ingrained in their memory, burned in there.

If you didn't have it, one of your friends did, and you would just like pull the trigger over and over and over and hear the noises.

So we went to go see James Bond.

I forget what it was, probably the spy who loved me or something like that.

And there was a scene, like she was worried about the punching and all that stuff.

But then, as parents often do in America, oh, shoot, there's a sex scene coming up.

And James Bond and the girl are kissing.

And he, like, brings her in his arms and carries her into the bedroom.

And she's like, uh-oh, she's got her hand ready to go over my eyes.

And then the double doors to the bedroom shut on their own, as they do, I guess, when James Bond carries someone in.

And then it fades to the next scene.

And she's like, okay, that was good.

Okay, whatever.

And then she hears.

Her three-year-old or four-year-old kid, or whatever I was at the time, go, hey!

I want to see the secret part.

Wait, wait, wait, go back, go back.

I want to see the secret part.

And there was this guy, like two rows over.

He goes, I'm with the kid.

I want to see the secret part.

Isn't James Bond all about the secret part?

She told that story about a thousand times.

I was grown up about a thousand times.

She was mortified.

And I was like gathering people.

Yeah, come on, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's see the secret part.

If only YouTube had the rights to this.

Someone confront James James Bond at a convention.

But you think about that.

What a simple time back then.

Amazon didn't even exist to buy the studio.

James Bond.

Helen Mirin made some headlines this week about James Bond because she said James Bond has to be a man.

She was saying, this is nonsense.

All this talk about James Bond being a woman.

Cut it out.

You people out there.

Shush, shush, shush.

James Bond is a man.

The argument, as I understand it, from a lot of people who don't want to see a gender swap, James Bond, is

women can have their own super spy.

You don't need to take James Bond and make James Bond a woman.

You know, just make a make a woman spy.

Can you?

Because

what was the studio who released Ballerina and they said they've adjusted earnings and they called that movie out.

It's one thing to have like a bomb at the box office or something underperforms, but when you're mentioned in an investor call, that kind of sucks, man.

It does suck.

And

that's part of the trick, right?

Good job ruining it for everybody.

Yeah.

So Ballerina Underperformed Expectations of the Box Office.

And there have been other movies that do the female spy thing.

One of your favorite movies of all time is a female spy movie.

I've got a lot of favorite female spy movies.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking Atomic Blonde.

That's such a fucking good movie.

I love Atomic Blonde so much.

If you are sleeping on Atomic Blonde, stop it right now.

It's such a good thing.

But it is one of those movies that also kind of seemed like it fell under the radar a little bit.

Maybe.

Maybe that's just some, you know, some like a bias that we have that we think that it didn't do as well as it deserves to do.

But so those things have been done and haven't done the blockbuster numbers that, say, a James Bond franchise does.

But keep in mind, James Bond is, what, 20 movies in now?

It's built a lot over time.

Speaking though, Bernie, of crazy jobs, here's a job that you can apply for on Indeed.

Go for it.

According to

an article that has come out around this trip that Putin took to Alaska.

When he travels, his bodyguards carry a poop suitcase.

A poop suitcase.

He poops and

they take his poop.

They collect his poop and they put it in this secure briefcase and take it back with them so that no one can harvest Putin's poop and maybe analyze it to learn details about his health.

Like he's a hiker in Yellowstone.

He can't leave anything behind.

Leave no trace.

I want to say before we talk about this, I completely get it.

I get why they do this.

It's still so fucking weird to think about it in practice.

There's a dude that works for Putin that collects his poop.

How, and so I want to know how someone got this job, right?

Did they imply on like indeed job seeker?

They were like, yeah, sounds fine.

It's like the Russian version of suicide squad.

Like somebody got convicted of a really gross, really weird crime.

And then somebody from the government shows up and goes, Guess what?

We got a job for you,

but then also

when you retire from this job, right?

You're like, all right, I think I've collected all the poop I can.

I'm on for my next era.

Assuming that you don't, you know, defenestrate yourself, which seems very popular in Russia.

It's funny that we don't know the Russian word for that.

How does that go on your resume, right?

Like, what do you put on your resume when you're going to get hired at that the new russian replacement for mcdonald's do you

is it like you go like i was um hold i was putin's number two

what if that guy's got an assistant i was the number two

and i'm number two to number two

and they both sit around bitching about the number one guy he's got it so easy must be somebody's nephew

That's a Nepal hire.

I got to point this out.

Got to point this out.

Go ahead.

Reading between the lines here, Russia is totally collecting people's poop when they go to Russia.

Right.

Right?

That's what that means.

They have like Obama's poop and Clinton's poop.

Anyone who's been to Russia, Nixon, they've got their poop.

That's what I'm reading about.

Do you think they have like a poop museum somewhere, like some private poop museum with all the poop of the world leaders that have ever visited Russia and dared to poop in a toilet?

He's got like a toilet.

He lifts the handle up and then a wall opens.

He goes

to a secret chamber.

And it's just vials of poop everywhere.

Gross.

I mean, like I said, I get it.

I get the motivation of why they do it.

And who knows?

We might have this exact same thing, you know?

Doesn't make it nuts.

Yeah.

And the fact that they can report on it knows that, like, well, the government leaks this information because I'm sure they didn't announce this guy.

Like, they're changing out the poop guy after he had a great, like 30-year run or something.

Well, here's the other question.

It's like, are they going in shifts?

Is there actually three poop guys so they can take eight-hour shifts around the clock?

Like, what if you're on the graveyard poop shift?

And this poor guy, he knows what his job is.

So when they're heading to the U.S.,

he must think, they serve what at the White House now?

McDonald's on the other side.

Oh, my God.

It's just silly.

It's just so silly.

Like, does he notify the, does this guy have like a pager or whatever?

You know, it's just, I want to know so much about it.

We have for the kids.

Is there, maybe there's a sensor when he sits down on the toilet that just like, it's someone's pager goes off and they're like oh i gotta go it's gotta be a

separate toilet right it's gotta be a separate toilet it's got i mean yeah of course it can unless they're like putting a plastic bag in the bottom of all his toilets well so like we have for the kids in the trunk of the car because sometimes we're out in the middle of nowhere up here in northern scotland we have a little collapsible little commode that we have with a little bag same kind of bag you use for a dog in the park but for our kids and they sit on this little like camping toilet that we make for them on the side of the road so they can use it if they have to, right?

Right.

We have that.

So, our toddlers have that, and also the leader of Russia has that.

That's a weird thing.

Like, they have, uh, he's got, he must have a little special toilet that he goes around with, you know?

This is going to be great, though, because next time the kids need to like go to the bathroom in the middle of nowhere and be like, you're just like the Russian president.

Right.

Or it's like me, too.

It's like, I didn't never want to poop at school.

Who is a special boy?

Did you poop at school?

Yeah.

You did?

Yeah.

I didn't poop at school.

all the time.

I hear about people who like won't poop in public, and I'm like, What do you do?

If you've got a gun, what do you do?

Well, they can't afford a poop guy, Ash, so like

go around with the suitcase.

People are gonna know about my health.

Do you think the nuclear code suitcase guy and the poop suitcase guy get mixed up every now and they're like, Which one is it?

You know, it's like they accidentally send the nuclear code guy or they go to launch the nukes and like, oh man,

okay, all right.

I was mad before when I was launching the news.

I'm really mad.

All right, Ashley, who do we have to thank for being?

Well, I don't even want to segue for this one.

Who do we have to thank for paying us money?

I'd like to thank the producers for the Gollum spin-off, you, Raspi, and Rachel.

Thank you both so much for sponsoring this episode of our show, patreon.com slash morning somewhere.

And you're both welcome for me not segueing your title in from that last bit.

All right, well, that does it for us today, August 19th, 2025.

We will be back to talk to you tomorrow.

We hope you will be here as well.

Bye, everybody.