MFM Minisode 457

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Goodbye.

Hello.

And welcome to my favorite murder.

Demini Self.

It's just a little gal.

It's a secret little whisper mini sew.

Yeah, it'll be fun.

It'll be all ASMR this whole time.

We promise.

It's just me screaming.

I'm first.

Yeah.

Okay.

This one's long, but it's fucking worth it.

Okay.

I'm not going to read you the title.

Hi, ladies.

I was listening to Minnisode 450, and something about the lovely Lithuanian woman's story made me think it was time to write in.

Do you remember that one where the little girl like went on a day trip with the drug-dealing Lithuanian woman in a small town?

Yeah.

Okay, place.

It's not Mayberry, but you can see it from here.

Time, the banging on pots and pans stage of COVID.

Names changed to protect the innocent.

We had just bought the worst house in the nicest neighborhood, and we were in the process of a full remodel.

It being COVID, we decided to take our golden retriever on a long walk by the creek in order to socially distance ourselves from our plumber, John, who was working on the upstairs bathroom.

Since we live in a northern climate, the first nice day of the year, could be March, could be July, everybody throws open their windows and doors.

We did just that and set off.

We had the loveliest time by the creek and then headed home and entered on the bottom floor to give John his space upstairs.

Almost immediately we heard childlike giggling above us.

My husband quizzically looked at me.

I shrugged and I said, I assume John's wife dropped off his daughter so she can run errands or something.

A little blonde-haired blue-eyed cherub suddenly appeared and started cooing and petting our dog.

I, being a team player, scooped her up and took her and her new furry best friend outside to play.

When we had our fill of the sun, we came inside for a snack snack and some cartoons, which led to a nice midday nap on the couch.

At this point, John was about done with the bathroom, so he called for me to take a look.

I picked up his daughter and headed upstairs.

When we finished talking business, I asked John how old his daughter was.

He looked at me questioningly and told me that the little girl I was holding wasn't his daughter.

What?

I threw my head back and laughed.

Then, very emphatically, he said to me, Cassie, she's blonde.

John, well, he isn't.

We, on the other hand, well, we are.

I replied or shrieked, so who is she?

John shrieked back.

I don't know.

I assumed she was your niece.

John, I'm about to call the cops.

So you need to tell me one last time that you're not kidding before I make a false report.

Cassie, call 911.

I called 911, holding on to this innocent kidnapped child for dear life.

Oh my God.

As soon as the operator came on the line, I verbal vomited.

This is going to sound weird.

I have no idea how this happened.

You see, I have a little girl.

And at that, it was time for the operator to shriek.

What does she look like?

I gave her a description and she yelled to whoever was in the room with her.

We found her.

We found Jane.

They fucking kidnapped the little kid.

She asked for my address and told me she was sending an officer to come get the little girl.

Remember the place?

Mayberry adjacent?

Yeah, nothing much happens around here.

They didn't send a police officer.

They sent the three squad cars and the six cops we have in town.

And they followed all the protocols.

All exits were blocked on either side of our house.

The lights were flashing and cops were in our driveway with their hands on their hips.

I come out with little Jane and hand her to the first officer.

My brand new neighbors were looking on, undoubtedly muttering, there goes the neighborhood.

Turns out Jane toddled out of her backyard and ended up at our house a couple blocks away while her grandmother turned her back for a split second.

They were searching for Jane in the opposite direction in a different neighborhood the entire time we were playing with the dog, having snacks, and taking a nap.

So scary.

After I'd been interviewed by the cops, Jane's dad arrived to reunite with his daughter.

They thought she got fucking kidnapped, and she did.

Yeah.

To reunite with his daughter and walk her the couple blocks home.

Jane started crying.

She didn't want to leave her new furry best friend behind.

Her dad asked me if I and our golden wouldn't mind walking them home.

So we did.

I hope beyond all hope that Jane's grandmother forgives me for the prolonged panic I caused her.

And as Jane grows up, I hope she continues her lifelong exploration of the world, but only after she tells her family where she's going.

Stay sexy and remember what your eighth grade teacher taught you.

Making assumptions makes an ass of you and me, Cassie.

But Cassie, that's not fair because

you didn't cause anything.

You are truly just the consummate host for people old and young.

Yeah.

And you basically, for a child who probably could have been traumatized or in a lot of strife, you like kind of gave her a nice little day and then got her delivered back to her family.

There was no

problem.

No, and she also didn't throw the first stone.

Like grandma lost track of her.

first.

Grandma turned that back.

You know, that's why my parents moved out of San Francisco is this exact same thing happened with my mom and dad.

And when my sister was like two years old, she just walked out the front yard and she basically walked into the yard of the next door door neighbor and started talking to the old lady that lived next door.

And meanwhile, my parents are running all over the, like they think my sister has been stolen out of the front yard.

And they were like, we got to get out of San Francisco.

Oh, man.

You would have had such a cooler childhood in life if your sister hadn't fucking.

I'd still be smoking cloves right now.

Damn it.

Okay, here's my first one.

I'm not going to read you this subject line.

It says, hello, Karen, Georgia, pets, and the entire MFM crew.

I'm actually the mayor of my small.

What?

We have a mayor?

See, I told you I didn't read these.

This is news to Karen.

We have a mayor.

We have a mayor.

I'm actually, capital M.

I'm actually the mayor of my small hometown in Idaho and have always felt it was my duty to represent my constituents with an epic hometown story.

But alas, I live in real life Mayberry from the Andy Griffith show.

Yeah.

But then I heard your requests for stories where siblings almost killed each other and I knew I had my tale to tell.

My dad grew up in the same small town I live in now.

He was one of four brothers, all close in age.

This was Idaho in the 60s, when things were even more loosey-goosey than they are currently.

And I grew up hearing tales of the brothers' fights and escapades, chasing wild Mustangs in the desert of southern Idaho, racing cars.

There's even still a bullet lodged in the wall of my grandparents' basement from an argument gone wrong.

Yeah, my poor grandma tried to discipline the wild boys by swinging her broom around, but nothing really stuck.

One day, my dad, who was one of the younger boys, picked a fight with one of his older siblings.

I'm not sure what started it, but I can tell you how it ended.

My dad stuck his tongue out at his brother and was shot with a BB gun right in the tongue.

Ouch.

The BB was lodged too deep to easily get it out, and

the boys were too scared of my broom-wielding grandma to tell anyone.

No.

So my poor dad was sworn to secrecy and had to suffer through very painful dinners for a week or so

until his tongue grew over the BB.

I am, I am, I'm speechless.

Hold on because here's the next sentence.

It's still in his tongue to this day.

What the fuck?

He says he is.

He has a tongue-piercing.

Right, exactly, like a tongue implant.

He has no problem getting through airport security, but it does really hurt when he accidentally bites down on it.

Oh, thank you for your entertaining podcast that I listen to in earbuds on walks all around my small town to get my steps.

You too.

It's so funny.

You two are always so real, and I appreciate the laughs.

Also, shout out to my cousin Rhonda, who is also a murderino and whose father shot a small piece of lead into my father for eternity.

So basically, Rhonda's dad is the culprit.

I love it.

Stay sexy and maybe tell someone when you've been shot.

Rebecca, she, her.

It could have gotten infected and fallen out of his mouth.

I mean, the levels of.

The levels.

The levels.

Because I think they're kind of right in the way where you shoot your brother in the face, in the mouth.

Yeah.

You would be in.

so much trouble for so long.

Yeah.

And you know what's crazy is that the brother, the dad who had it happen, like didn't rat on him.

Because he's like,

I will take this because I know I don't want to see you get in that much trouble.

Yes.

And also, and you were right.

I fucking stuck my tongue out at you.

I shouldn't have fucking done that.

I bet you the older brothers that were older than the one that shot him, Rhonda's dad, I'd like to call him, they were like, you have to keep your mouth shut.

He will do your dishes.

Literally.

He will do anything you want.

Like, I bet you they bribed the living shit out of him.

Definitely.

Definitely.

Also, again, that was great.

I just want to underline.

that we just got an email from the mayor of a small town in Idaho, a woman, and I would just like to also say I just saw TikTok about how women need to start getting involved in politics on the local level.

That's the way to affect change.

So thank you, Rebecca, because you're doing it.

Thank you.

Fuck, I'm just tickled by that, that we have a mayor.

It's so cool.

Yeah.

Someday we'll find out what the town is.

Yeah, maybe she should be the mayor of my favorite murder, too.

Yeah, get in here.

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Goodbye.

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Goodbye.

Okay, this is also a sibling trying to kill siblings.

Okay, great.

My sister tried to kill me.

Hi, Karen, Georgia, and whiskered associates, including Stephen.

Yay.

So I'm the youngest of three girls.

There's five and eight years between them and me.

When I was about nine or ten, my eldest sister had a ferret that she wouldn't let me play with.

So of course, I would sneak in her room when she wasn't home to look at the smelly creature.

I'm sorry, it's so greedy.

It's like the ferret has nothing but love to give, and you're just going to be like, no, your sister can't see it or touch it.

Yeah, leave it alone.

It's in the cage by itself.

So leave it alone.

So me.

Depressed in the cage.

Okay, one day after school, it appeared to me as if I beat my sister home.

So I took the opportunity to go see the ferret.

Little did I know, my sisters had removed the giant vent cover in her floor in front of the cage and replaced it with a carpet covered with clothes, like wily coyote, like a wily coyote acne trap.

They set a fucking trap for their sister, dude.

They utilized the pre-existing hole in the floor.

That's right.

The heating vent.

Brilliant.

Oh, you can guess what happened next.

Yep.

When I stepped in front of the cage, I fell through the hole and plummeted all the way down to the all caps basement.

Holy shit.

Bouncing off a shelf in the process.

She could have fucking cracked her head open.

She could have absolutely died just for wanting the love of a ferret.

I mean, she didn't.

And so that's hilarious.

Thankfully, I landed on a pile of clothes they had placed beneath the trap.

So at least they like, you know, they were total assholes.

They planned ahead.

They planned ahead.

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

I wasn't hurt except for my pride and having the breath knocked out of me.

My ass, she could have got a fucking concussion.

Like a full story or did you say

into the basement.

Yes.

From one story to the basement.

I mean, just

so dangerous.

So dangerous.

My asshole sisters were hiding in the basement, laughing that their plan had worked.

My mom didn't find it so funny.

Oh, no.

I've since introduced one of my sisters to your show and she is now a murderino so jamie if you're listening you know what you did was

wrong

lol are you reading the email are you saying that yourself it's the email so jamie if you're listening you know what you did was wrong lol

my husband and i drove five hours from delaware to see you guys in pittsburgh and it was amazing i hope the person in the balcony was okay What happened in the balcony?

They had a seizure, I think.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, my God.

I love that Pittsburgh show.

Yeah.

Stay sexy and don't don't sneak into your sister's room.

Love Kira.

I don't know if that's the lesson here.

Yeah, I don't.

Yeah.

Kira, that's very little sister of you to take that upon yourself that it's your lesson to learn.

Totally.

How about don't be so goddamn greedy with your ferret?

Yeah.

How about that?

Let's go to the beginning.

How about there's plenty to go around with that ferret?

Oh, man.

That's so good.

People get this.

People get, after 10 years, people are really getting the point of the mini sod.

Yeah, totally.

Good job.

And you know what, Jamie?

Good job for you, too.

Yeah.

Thank you, Jamie, for the story.

Yeah.

You have to do asshole things to get good emails for the future.

So,

okay.

The subject line of this email is, you didn't ask for this, but you're getting it anyway.

And it just starts, I recently got my dream job as a librarian in a small private school.

I get to read with kids and help them grow into competent, confident adults, unlike myself.

And then parentheses, it says, JK, I'm usually pretty competent.

It says, today was the first day of school, and I wanted to make a good first impression.

So I decided I would show up 15 minutes before school started.

I've never worked in a school before, and no one told me that teachers and everybody show up way earlier than that.

I think I knew that.

And I have never worked in, like, no, I have worked in a school as a lunch lady.

Oh.

And I knew that.

But you had to get there around lunch-ish, 11.30?

Well, it was breakfast and lunch because I let nothing.

Did you wear a hair net?

No, but I wear gloves, like little plastic gloves.

Good, good.

Okay.

Okay, so it says, I pull into the parking lot.

I am then shepherded against my will into the drop-off line.

This was a long-ass line, and I really couldn't cut out across the parking lot and risk running over any of my new students.

I realized I would have to stay in the drop-off line and drive past nearly every single one of my new colleagues as they were standing outside to greet the students.

Why didn't any she, someone should have said something,

right?

Have you ever been in a drop-off line?

Thank God, no.

Because I had to go pick up Nora at our old grammar school one day and there was a whole, my sister had to explain it to me.

And she's like, and you have to get there on time.

You have to, Karen.

And I was like, okay,

as if that's possible.

But people get there early and then you're just locked into a single lane that they have blocked off on streets.

And everybody, it's like this pre-agreed thing where like no one else goes down those streets and they, and you, no one honks and you just fucking, I have never been in a drop-off line but I have a fear of them still yeah like I understand that they are just like terrifying to everyone they become their own weird machine and you have to know how the machine works so if you're the artsy aunt from outside you better fucking buy you better watch your what you watch your watch

okay

go ahead okay so it's so great too i'm just thinking because i my sister just started school again too so it's like day three of basically her teaching kindergartners how to go to school.

And she's like, it's so hilarious.

It's just like every year it starts over and you're like, how do we do any of this?

How, how do public schools function?

It's insane.

So, okay.

So she says, so here I am, more than 20 minutes late by the time I pull up in front of the school and stuck in this long ass line.

I slowly inched past each one of the teachers and eventually the assistant principal and the principal, who are literally doubled over in laughter.

Oh, good.

Yeah, thank thank God.

I was later politely informed that I should have arrived much earlier, which I had, of course, already realized by then.

I made a dozen more embarrassing mistakes today.

Oh, this was a day of email.

Wow, that's right.

Yes, reporting hot off the presses.

I made a dozen more embarrassing mistakes today, but I learned a lot and tomorrow will be better.

The students were great.

I was counting down the days until a kid told me something wild, and it happened in my very first class.

In parentheses, it says, a very happy and excited girl.

Guess what?

My grandpa got sick, and he's in the hospital and he died.

Guess what?

Guess what?

That's what this whole podcast is.

Yeah, seriously.

Thanks for reading if you do.

And if any of my new co-workers are listening, feel free to stop by the library and make fun of me.

SSDGMK.

Oh, you can feel Kay's like happiness and excitement.

I mean, you got to love those people who are like, that's a good teacher because that's a person who understands you are going to make mistakes and you are going to do better the next day.

I love that.

Yeah, it's nice.

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Goodbye.

Okay, my last one is called The Flamingo Ghost.

Question mark.

Hello, amazing ladies, pets, and people.

I am anxious, so let's just get into it.

I was listening to a mini-sode recently, and you had asked about meant-to-be stories.

So here is mine.

After a breakup and living on my own for almost 10 years, I moved back to my parents' house.

I am so thankful for my amazing parents.

They are truly two of the most selfless, wonderful people out there.

Brag.

Yeah, I know.

Lucky, lucky.

Sounds great.

They made it easy for an almost 30-year-old to live at home.

After a year of living at home, I was ready to start dating again.

I'm on the apps, just letting whatever come my way.

I start messaging with this guy, James.

He was so nice and quick to ask me on a date, which I've actually, that's a positive, right?

It's like, let's not talk for fucking three weeks.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Don't waste my fucking time, essentially.

Yeah.

First thing he says on the date is he forgot his first cousin is from my hometown.

I ask him their name.

It was one of my close friends in high school and our families are still friendly and see each other.

That just put me at ease knowing he wasn't a complete stranger and I'm safe on this date.

The date goes amazingly.

We talk the entire time and I really hope we go out again.

I could go on about how great he is, but I will try to keep this short.

Initially, I was like, they're going to be related.

I bet.

Yeah, they're not.

Spoiler.

We fall in love and then we get the blood tests.

We're also cousins.

When I get home, I told my parents about the date and how he was my old friend's cousin.

We had actually met once at a birthday party.

My mom puts the pieces together and realized she has something of his late mother's.

She goes on to explain that after James's mother had passed the year before due to her long battle with cancer and cancer-related illnesses, her family was giving some of her belongings to loved ones.

One of the items given to James's aunt, his mom's sister, was a flamingo figurine.

Auntie has many things of her sisters and feels like the flamingo figurine deserves a home with someone who will love it.

That home being my mother's.

Everyone that knows my mother knows she loves flamingos.

Aren't flamingos a sign of swingers?

Or that pineapple?

Pineapple, I've heard.

And I think it's like an upside-down pineapple.

Right, something like that.

Because you know, my welcome mat in my front door has a pineapple on it.

Karen, that's like inviting a swinger.

When people go on cruises, they put a fucking, like a picture or a thing of a pineapple on their door to let everyone know

to knock.

I didn't realize that that's why my doorbell's going off night and day.

That's it.

Oh my God.

Okay, I'm ruining this.

At a bridal shower for a mutual friend that my mother and I attended, James's aunt gives my mother this flamingo.

She loves it.

She puts it in her bathroom.

I never tell James this because in my head, it just sounds weird.

Hey, I know we just went on a first date, but my mom was given something that belonged to your deceased mom.

Hope we can hang out again.

Yeah, don't bring that up.

I'll keep that to myself for a while.

A few months down the road, and we're dating, and it's time for James to meet my parents.

He comes over to our home, and things are going very well.

After using the bathroom, he comes out laughing and says to my family, that is so strange.

I bought my mom a flamingo that looks just like that one.

Jaws drop.

Oh shit.

Not only was that flamingo his mom's, he bought it for her.

Oh my God.

Meant to be?

We think so.

Cut to three years later, James and I are now engaged and are getting married in November 2026.

Our families always say that his mom, Joanne, saw me and picked me out for her son.

I truly wish I could have met Joanne.

I know she was spunky, had a huge heart, and was an extremely strong woman.

And I am honored that she chose me for her son.

I cannot wait to see you at your late show in Boston.

Thank you for fostering everyone's love of true crime and giving out more knowledge on sobriety and therapy.

Stay sexy and don't get murdered.

Angelica, Rhode Island.

God, Angelica, that is.

Wait, so James now knows?

When did they tell James?

I think when he came out of the bathroom, they were like, oh yeah, your mom had one exactly like that because that belongs to you.

Because it's hers.

God.

And also just like, you know, me and my story about the bell that my sister found, a little lady that's shaped like a bell.

Like, that's the kind of thing where it's like, it seems small and no big deal, but it truly is like, oh my God, this beautiful connection.

Everything means something.

Yeah.

Or nothing means anything sometimes.

I mean, I think it changes.

It switches back and forth.

Depending on the week.

One more?

Depending on the week.

Yeah, I got one more.

And the subject line of this email says, humanity isn't all lost.

Lighthearted.

It says, hi, ladies.

Love you.

Love what you do.

Thank you.

And please give your critters a snuggle for me.

I was leaving a small town where my family reunion is hosted every other year.

100 plus Czech family members, 2.3 kegs of beer are floated by 3 p.m.

when all the good kids go to church, half drunk, drunk, and I go take a nap and then continue to party at my uncle's house.

Needless to say, I was tired.

I'm almost to the interstate, and my tire goes from full to flat in the blink of an eye.

Thankfully, I was able to roll into a gas station and call an uncle to come and help.

My uncle's on the way, and I start trying to get the spare out from under my truck.

It's not going well and overwalks a cowboy.

I'm in my early 20s and exercise my newfound ability from living in a major city for two years to say, no, thank you, sir.

I'm just fine on my own, and my uncle's on his way and shut Mr.

Cowboy down.

Cool, independent, failing at getting this tire out, but still trying.

Then comes a Boy Scout.

Once again, this independent big city woman shuts him down and sends him away.

Boy Scout.

A Boy Scout.

Then, I kid you not, a priest, collar and all, comes over to ask if I was okay.

Is it all the same person?

Just like changing outfits.

Just going behind the gas station, coming back out.

At this point, I'm I'm just laughing because this feels like I'm in the middle of a joke where a cowboy, a Boy Scout, and a priest walk into a gas station and try to help this stupid, stubborn woman.

My uncle showed up about then and changed my tire, and I went off smiling.

That yes, sometimes life is a joke, but sometimes life reminds you that there is goodness in the world, no matter how hard you try to shut it out.

Stay sexy and try to see the good in the world.

Megan, she, her.

P.S.

I might have gotten the order wrong, but the characters are accurate.

A cowboy, a Boy Scout, and a priest.

That's adorable.

I would have let the cowboy help me.

Indiana.

Hell yes.

Right?

Yes.

Let the cowboy help you, then go to the bar with the cowboy that he will invite you to after he does that.

Make out with the cowboy.

Make out with that cowboy.

Yes.

All right.

That was a good one.

Thank you guys for sending your stories in.

Have you made out with a cowboy?

Let us know.

Yes.

Any cowboy makeouts in detail.

Did you go to the rodeo last year and make out with a a cowboy?

We'd love to hear about it.

Yeah, thanks for your emails.

Stay sexy and don't get murdered.

Goodbye.

Elvis, do you want a cookie?

This has been an exactly right production.

Our senior producers are Alejandra Keck and Molly Smith.

Our editor is Aristotle Aceveda.

This episode was mixed by Liana Spolachi.

Email your hometowns to myfavorite murder at gmail.com.

And follow the show on Instagram at MyFavorite Murder.

Listen to MyFavorate Murder on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

And now you can watch us on Exactly Right's YouTube page.

And while you're there, please like and subscribe.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

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Goodbye.

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Goodbye.

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So Crunchy just sent me some products, and I am losing my mind.

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Goodbye.

Bye.