MFM Minisode 463

Speaker 1 This is exactly right.

Speaker 2 When the holidays start to feel a bit repetitive, reach for Sprite Winter Spice Cranberry and put your twist on tradition.

Speaker 2 A bold cranberry and winter spice flavors fusion, Sprite Winter Spice Cranberry is a refreshing way to shake things up this sip in season, and only for a limited time.

Speaker 2 Sprite, obey your thirst.

Speaker 3 Ah,

Speaker 4 greetings from my bath, festive friends. The holidays are overwhelming, but I'm tackling this season with PayPal and making the most of my money, getting 5% cash back when I pay in four.

Speaker 4 No fees, no interest. I used it to get this portable spa with jets.
Now the bubbles can cling to my sculpted but pruny body. Make the most of your money this holiday with PayPal.

Speaker 4 Save the offer in the app. N'1231, see paypal.com/slash promo terms.
Points give your renee for cash and more paying for, subject to terms and approval. PayPal Inc.
at NMLS 910-457.

Speaker 4 So you're telling me that the AI that's meant to make everyone's job easier to manage just adds more to manage on top of the thousands of apps the IT department already manages.

Speaker 4 Funny how that works.

Speaker 4 Any business can add AI. IBM helps you scale and manage AI to change how you do business.
Let's create Small to Business, IBM.

Speaker 3 Hello, and welcome. To my favorite murder.
The mini episode for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving episode.
You love Thanksgiving. You love a special Thanksgiving episode.
This is like Charlie Brown, kind of.

Speaker 3 What's the one dish that you have to have at Thanksgiving that like, it has to be made? Your favorite?

Speaker 1 Oh, my sister's mashed potatoes, which used to be my mom's mashed potatoes, which are the most calorically dense.

Speaker 3 Just half butter, half potato.

Speaker 1 Insane. Yeah, half butter.
She does a little bit of mayonnaise.

Speaker 1 A bunch of butter. Sour cream.
Sour cream.

Speaker 3 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 They're just insane.

Speaker 3 You know what my aunt does is puts paprika on top of them and puts it in the oven for a minute to get a crispy paprika crust on top. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 3 I'm so hungry. Okay.

Speaker 1 I love this goddamn story. Surprise Thanksgiving guest celebrity edition.
What? And I feel like we could do this for any holiday.

Speaker 3 Yes. Even for no holiday.
What celebrity came to your house?

Speaker 1 Came to your house for some weird reason.

Speaker 3 Yes. Love it.

Speaker 1 Lane Capache, one of my favorite stand-up comics who I've known my whole life, basically had an amazing story where he went to Thanksgiving with his wife and at her family's.

Speaker 1 and Neil Diamond was one of the guests.

Speaker 1 He does a whole chunk about it, but it was like he was dating a person that was crazy.

Speaker 3 Holy shit. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And this starts, hello, MFM fam. Thank you for the countless hours of entertainment.

Speaker 1 And then in parentheses, it says, I discovered you in early 2021 and spent most of the pandemic trying to get through the backlog. Let's call it the back catalog since it's different than the backlog.

Speaker 1 You're not Marisca Hargate. Come on.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 1 Your advocacy and the community you have built. We didn't build it.

Speaker 3 You guys built it. We didn't do it.
We appreciate it, though. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your voices took me through a cross-country move, Edmonton to Ottawa, and now a major career change. And for that, I am grateful.
Now let's get after it.

Speaker 1 When I was in elementary school, my family became good friends with another family who'd moved to Toronto for the dad's work.

Speaker 1 My younger sister quickly became close friends with the twin girls who were her age, and I had not a moment's peace at any family gathering from then on.

Speaker 1 And then in parentheses it says all I wanted to do was read.

Speaker 3 Hi.

Speaker 1 This is not about that. Every year my family hosts Thanksgiving dinner and because we had no family in town we always dubbed it that this is for the family we choose.
the best.

Speaker 1 So naturally, my parents invited this family along with a few others in our friend group.

Speaker 1 The response back from the mom was that they could not make it as her childhood friend from Australia was in town and they were spending the holiday with him and his wife.

Speaker 1 My parents have always been the throw more potatoes in the pot types, and of course, insisted that they still come and bring their friends. No more thoughts about it.

Speaker 1 The day comes, the turkey is roasting in the oven, stuffing is made, the table is set, and my mother has made a soup for the starter.

Speaker 1 Guests start arriving, and eventually, everyone is there except for our Aussie's childhood friend.

Speaker 1 The doorbell suddenly rings, my mom goes over to answer it, and who is at the door other than motherfucking Guy Pierce.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 1 He apparently looked up his old pal while he was in town filming, and then it says in parentheses, likely trader with Don Cheadle based on my Wikipedia sleuthing.

Speaker 3 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 By all accounts, my parents played it cool until my dad was well in his cups and made Guy unbutton his shirt to, quote, show them what he was working with.

Speaker 3 Yes, dad, yes, show us.

Speaker 1 And the answer was washboard abs. Sure.

Speaker 1 And Guy was absolutely lovely, even participating in an after-dinner, what they called turkey fondue, which is when you take the leftover turkey and dip it in the gravy left in the pan.

Speaker 1 So, basically, just as people probably are washing the dishes and stuff, they call it turkey fondue.

Speaker 3 Oh, and just like

Speaker 1 dip the turkey in the gravy.

Speaker 1 And it says, Unfortunately, no one had given us a heads up that his wife was vegan, so my mom may have had to stretch the truth on the broth used in the soup.

Speaker 3 You've got to give people a heads up.

Speaker 1 I know. That's a little specific.

Speaker 1 In parentheses, it says, is this vegetable-based?

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Asked Mrs. Pierce.
Yes, said my mom, cringing internally, knowing it was chicken broth.

Speaker 3 Holy shit, you can't do that. Well, she did it.

Speaker 1 I do not remember this as I was nine, and I did not care for any celebrity that wasn't a Jonas brother.

Speaker 1 It became a lot more exciting when bedtime stories came out a year later, and I could tell my friends that the mean hotel manager had been to my house for dinner.

Speaker 1 Sadly, our friends moved back to Australia after only five years in Canada, but I'll always look back at our time as kids fondly.

Speaker 1 And those twins and their sisters have grown up to be badasses in their own right. My sister has also grown into a young woman I'm so proud of and is the coolest person I know.

Speaker 1 And then in parentheses, it says, I keep trying to get her into the pot.

Speaker 3 Don't, don't do it. She doesn't want to.
Don't force anybody.

Speaker 1 It ends by saying, remember, family isn't always about blood. It's who you choose.
And always throw another potato into the pot. You never know who will come for dinner.
SSDGM, Emma.

Speaker 3 I love it.

Speaker 3 So good. Sky Pierce.

Speaker 1 They just, how nice like that idea that they could just go to a family Thanksgiving. I mean, because they probably don't have Thanksgiving in Australia.

Speaker 3 So last year we had these friends, Carlos and Milisa, and Melisa is like super French. And her parents came into town that weekend, just happened from France.

Speaker 3 And Vince was like, I'm giving them their first Thanksgiving and made the whole Thanksgiving thing, made them try it. They were really sweet and pretended to be blown away.
I think they were.

Speaker 3 But it was like so exciting to be like, this is what Thanksgiving's like.

Speaker 1 No, No, I think that's so sweet. I think it's also that thing makes me think of we, when we got to go to Italy, we were in Lake Como and Janet's husband's family lived there.

Speaker 1 So they had us come and have like a traditional Italian lunch with them, which I think dinner.

Speaker 1 We literally were at one point were just all crying because like the grandma made us this incredible lasagna that seemed like it had 25 layers to it. Grandma food.
Everything was homemade.

Speaker 1 They had all this food and it was like they were like, we're here to treat you.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Like that idea is so generous and lovely. I love it.

Speaker 3 Send us your stories.

Speaker 3 Yes. Whatever that is, send us your story.

Speaker 1 Some sort of a dinner story. Dinner.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 The best dinner. The crying.
Okay.

Speaker 3 The Thanksgiving where we almost died and or got arrested as a family. Warm-hearted.
Yes.

Speaker 3 Warm-hearted instead of light-hearted. Okay.
Season's greetings, y'all. So my family infamously loves to prepare way too much food for any holiday.
Everyone needs to have their favorite dishes.

Speaker 3 So this often leads to several varieties of stuffing, green beans, pies. You get the picture.

Speaker 3 Unfortunately, since my parents hit retirement age, they inevitably do too much and end up throwing their backs out or exhausting themselves into a stupor trying to recreate these feasts.

Speaker 3 This usually results in me finishing half-prepared meals and getting frustrated at trying to jump into a crazy, messy kitchen where I'm blankly staring at a salad spinner.

Speaker 3 It's like, that would be hard. Like, you're up, get in, like, whatever.
Knives down, get in there.

Speaker 1 Get in there, do something.

Speaker 3 So, in November November 2019, I insisted on taking care of the entire meal myself from start to finish. It was to take place at my great aunt Polly's house in Port Natches.
Texas.

Speaker 3 Thank you for the phonetic spelling. I arrived several days early to begin brining the turkey, starting the process of making homemade dinner rolls and prepping as many sides as possible.

Speaker 3 I was really pleased at how well everything was going. I was exhausted but proud that no one would be in physical pain and satisfied with their meals this year.

Speaker 3 I stayed up late shaping dinner rolls to rise in the pan and didn't get to bed. I know, like, just buy those guys.

Speaker 1 I mean, and also everyone loves like a crescent roll or something.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, Hawaiian sweet roll?

Speaker 1 People who are like homemakers, you know,

Speaker 1 you can't tell those people anything up.

Speaker 3 I didn't get to bed until around midnight on Wednesday, November 27th, the day before Thanksgiving.

Speaker 3 About an hour after falling asleep, I awoke to my bed shaking violently and what sounded like someone slamming a door really hard.

Speaker 3 I got up to investigate and as I walked through the house, I could smell cigarette smoke. After not being able to find anything amiss, I went back to bed.

Speaker 3 I had to get up early to finish cooking dinner. The next day, I was anticipating a crowd of people to arrive, among them my partner that I hadn't seen all week.

Speaker 3 I was shocked to find out that a butane refinery less than two miles away exploded at 1 a.m. Oh, shit.
Hence the cigarette smell. Yes.

Speaker 3 Exploded two miles away. I considered this for a moment, but ultimately decided the show must go on and started my carefully orchestrated symphony of casseroles that would need oven time.

Speaker 3 At some point, someone came to tell me that the police were sweeping the neighborhoods and ordering a mandatory evacuation. Mandatory.

Speaker 3 Our area is no stranger to evacuations, having been hit by our fair share of hurricanes, but my father crossed his arms and said no.

Speaker 3 Oh no. We closed all the curtains, moved the cars into the garage, and began our first stealth Thanksgiving.

Speaker 3 I have to interject that my mom was not pleased with our decision and how they were shaping up.

Speaker 3 She insisted that if my partner really loved me, they would find a way to join us and that I should probably leave since I was the, quote, future of the family. So she doesn't die.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Needless to say, we made it out just fine, but did experience a second explosion halfway through our meal that had our heavily laden dinner table shaking.

Speaker 3 I mean, that's why you were supposed to evacuate.

Speaker 1 With the evacuation, yeah.

Speaker 3 I swore I'd never do this again. Man plans and God laughs.
BTW, thankfully, only five people were hurt during the explosion, but the fire and billowing smoke lasted for over 24 hours.

Speaker 3 The factory had been outside of EPA safety requirements and fined consecutively for over five years prior to the explosion. The fine summing up to less than $200,000.

Speaker 3 It's hard to speak out against these companies since they provide the majority of jobs to the area, but this type of pollution to our air and oceans is upsetting.

Speaker 3 I know this email is long, but thank you ladies for being a platform for marginalized slash disadvantaged people. Your voices used to fill my female-led bakery.
Oh, the rolls. Oh,

Speaker 3 that's why. Where I worked prior to to the pandemic.
And we all enjoyed cackling to your voices in the wee hours of the morning while we shaped bread.

Speaker 1 We got to be there at like a middle-of-the-night bakery session for all women in a bakery.

Speaker 3 When people tell us, like, where they took us, there's like an, there was like an Antarctic one recently. Yes.
I'm like, we were fucking there. That's where we've been.
I love that.

Speaker 3 Tell us the coolest places you've listened to us, please.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 I feel like I want to join an all-female bakery and get up at four in the morning.

Speaker 3 Oh, you don't.

Speaker 3 You can get up at four in the morning, anyways. You might as well.

Speaker 1 I'd be out over there helping out.

Speaker 3 My first job is a bakery and it's just so much fun. Is it?

Speaker 1 So fun. Did you have to go that early?

Speaker 3 No, because I was like behind the counter, but it's just like you're surrounded by like presents, essentially. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And people happy because they're getting their hot crossbones.

Speaker 3 Exactly. Stay sexy and don't get exploded by evil energy companies this Thanksgiving.
Cooper, she, her.

Speaker 1 And the dad's just like, you know what? They, the butane can blow up. I'm not, they're not.

Speaker 3 I mean, not just blowing up, but you're inhaling that shit.

Speaker 3 Yes. I mean, there's a chemical issue outside.

Speaker 3 The holidays go by fast. Halls get decked.
gifts get open, but what stays are the memories.

Speaker 1 Turn those moments into something that lasts with the gift of Aura Frames.

Speaker 3 Aura Frames turns your photos into a meaningful gift, perfect for family or friends.

Speaker 1 With the Aura app, it's easy to add as many photos or short videos as you want. Just connect to Wi-Fi and they'll appear instantly.

Speaker 3 And every Aura Frame comes in a beautiful premium box with no price tag, so it's ready to go straight under the tree.

Speaker 1 You can't wrap togetherness, but you can frame it with Aura Frames.

Speaker 3 I love my Aura Frame. I've given so many away, but the one I have every year comes out at a big family holiday party.

Speaker 3 It's got pictures from like the 70s through now of holiday parties and the past two years of the holiday parties I've had at my house. It's just become a tradition.

Speaker 3 We put it out in the kitchen, everyone ooze and ahs over it and like takes pictures to add for next year. It's the fucking perfect gift.

Speaker 1 They really are the best. And for a limited time, visit auraframes.com and get $45 off Aura's best-selling Carver mat frames, named number one by Wirecutter, by using promo code MFM at checkout.

Speaker 3 That's A-U-R-AFrames.com, promo code MFM.

Speaker 1 This exclusive Black Friday Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year, so order now before it ends.

Speaker 3 Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.
Goodbye. Every family has so many amazing stories that no one has ever heard before.

Speaker 1 That's why Story Worth memoirs are perfect for your loved ones this holiday season.

Speaker 3 It might sound a little intimidating, but it's so easy. They'll love it.
It's a gift they won't see coming, something that makes them feel truly special. And it turns out it's a gift for you too.

Speaker 3 Their magic layout and new book designs make your books and photos look even more beautiful.

Speaker 1 What's not changing? Customers love for Story Worth. They've printed over a million books and preserved 35 million family stories since their founding 13 years ago.

Speaker 3 They have over 48,000 five-star reviews on Trust Pilot. Wirecutter, The Strategist, CNN, Fox News, and more agree Story Worth is the perfect gift for the people you love most.

Speaker 1 I mean, what a great thing. There's always the gift list for people that are impossible to buy for, people that you've bought everything for, on and on.

Speaker 1 This gift truly is like different than any other gift you give because it's literally giving your family members their own memories back to them.

Speaker 3 Totally. And it's something that you can share and cherish for generations, really.

Speaker 1 So give your loved ones.

Speaker 3 ones a unique keepsake you'll all cherish for years story worth memoirs right now save 15 or more during during their holiday sale when you go to storyworth.com/slash MFM.

Speaker 1 That's storyworth.com/slash MFM to save $15 or more on your order.

Speaker 3 Goodbye.

Speaker 1 I won't read you the subject line and it says, not to be bossy, but don't read the subject line. Okay, let's jump right in.
This is that story.

Speaker 1 You know the infamous one that gets repeated in the family over and over. The year was 2002.
I was nine years old.

Speaker 1 It was Thanksgiving and my family and I were in New Jersey visiting my aunt and uncle and cousins. I was helping set the table for Thanksgiving dinner when I slipped.

Speaker 1 It was a wood floor and I was wearing socks and holding a bundle of silverware. I need to say this.

Speaker 1 Some of my worst accidents, because my parents have wood floors too, is when you're wearing socks without any grip

Speaker 1 and you think every, you're like on the stairs. On the stairs.

Speaker 3 I've fucking done that. God, be so careful.
Get slippers on. Get little grippers.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm picturing it because I fucking, I've done it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It sucks.
I did it on Adrian's stairs one time and slipped and then slammed down on my butt on those stairs and then just had like a sore, oh, it was the worst.

Speaker 1 When I slipped and fell, I happened to drop the bundle of silverware at the exact moment when I, where I landed on the floor. I also landed on top of a knife.

Speaker 1 The odds here, though I'm not a mathematician and in fact didn't pass freshman year algebra

Speaker 1 the first time, just seem astronomical. Yeah.
But anyway, I slipped and fell.

Speaker 1 And in the, I don't know, one second that the knife I was holding was exactly balanced, I landed on top of it and the knife slid into my armpit.

Speaker 1 As I recall it, and as my mom tells me, though, she's still 24 years later, hates talking about it because she's a sweet baby angel, I screamed.

Speaker 1 My sister, who was maybe 17 at the time, ran over, pulled my shirt up, saw the blood, and yelled, hospital now.

Speaker 1 So someone grabs my uncle to drive us to the hospital. My uncle, who, for the record, is incredibly Sicilian, like wears gold chains and white tank tops and looks like a Soprano's extra.

Speaker 3 Amazing. So good.

Speaker 1 And remember, this was in 2002, which was obviously before iPhones, et cetera. And my family had just moved to New Jersey, so they weren't totally familiar with their neighborhood yet.

Speaker 1 But anyway, my mom sits in the back seat with me and I lay down and I'm bleeding and my mom's crying and my sister's helping my uncle navigate in the front seat of his blacked out Chevy Suburban.

Speaker 1 Like I told you, incredibly Sicilian.

Speaker 1 So good. And he's literally driving like driving Miss Daisy.
Like, couldn't be going slower.

Speaker 3 Bro.

Speaker 1 and my mom is freaking out because I'm sitting back there bleeding. Eventually, we make it to the hospital, but it has this weird kind of drive-through thing.

Speaker 1 Remember the old banks where you'd stop in the drive-thru and be helped that way? It was kind of like that. And my uncle pulls up to it, and he's telling the person helping us that I've been stabbed.

Speaker 1 And in a parentheses, it says LOL by myself

Speaker 1 and needs help. And this person is like seeming really confused.
And it goes on for a minute or so until the person helping us says, Sir, this is a nursing home.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Yes, you heard that right.

Speaker 1 He took me to a nursing home instead of an emergency room. I swear to God, my mom almost had a heart attack.
The sweet nursing home staff pointed us toward the hospital.

Speaker 1 And after another few minutes of painstakingly slow driving, I would assume the exact opposite. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like,

Speaker 3 there's something in the trunk, maybe like a body.

Speaker 1 You cannot get pulled over.

Speaker 1 We made it to the ER where I got 10 stitches. Not only did I survive to tell the tale, but when we got home, my brothers and boy cousins were the nicest they'd ever been to me.

Speaker 1 And And my Albanian grandmother gave me $100 cash.

Speaker 3 Not a bad deal.

Speaker 3 Fuck yeah. Suddenly the best day.

Speaker 3 It's just so like. I love the Albanian grandma just kind of sliding.

Speaker 1 She's just like, I can't say I love you. That part's too hard.
Right. We're an immigrant family.
Cash is what love is. Stay sexy and don't go to a nursing home unless you really mean to for Tessa.

Speaker 1 She, her.

Speaker 3 Oh my God. That's hilarious.
It's stabbing yourself.

Speaker 1 Stabbing yourself.

Speaker 1 I actually one time was helping set the table and I was holding steak knives and forks and I was kind of running into the living room and my mom's friend Carolyn Bernardi was coming into the kitchen and I almost stabbed her in the abdomen.

Speaker 1 Like she stopped and pulled herself back like within a half an inch. That's how I learned that you hold them upright and close to yourself.

Speaker 3 When I was like four or something, I... Got up on the table like this and hit the edge of the plate and it's fucking, I have a scar there.
It flew into my eye. Holy shit.

Speaker 1 Blood stitches the whole fucking thing oh my god was it on Thanksgiving no okay cut that story

Speaker 3 shit

Speaker 3 save it for another time yeah okay here's my second one my favorite party story long but funny ending I think long but funny ending is for Molly actually that 100% is for me she's like I would not have fucking put this in if you're upset that your story hasn't been picked maybe it's too long edit it and resubmit it.

Speaker 1 Get in there and get to the facts.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Like take out, it's like two pages, tops.
Two pages. Okay, Karen and Georgia and MFM team, including pets.
I am a die-hard OG murderino who adores you all.

Speaker 3 A few mini episodes back, you asked for party stories. So here is mine.
When I was in my early 20s, fresh out of college and living in Baltimore, I adopted a stray orange kitten.

Speaker 3 Oh yeah, this is funny.

Speaker 3 Jaffe, rhymes with Taffy, was a scrappy little street cat who hung out with me for the next 18 years through all the different apartments and relationships and jobs I had across the country.

Speaker 3 She was still my little sidekick when I moved back to Baltimore in the the early 2000s. Needless to say, I loved that cat.

Speaker 3 Sadly, shortly after I moved back, Jaffe started to slow down and was clearly sick, no definite diagnosis, but probably some form of cancer.

Speaker 3 My poor cat got skinnier and skinnier until a sad Thanksgiving morning when her back legs gave out and I knew her number was up.

Speaker 3 Since it was a holiday, I called an emergency vet who said they could take her in to be put to sleep, but that if she went quickly at home, it wouldn't make much sense to pay the astronomical holiday fee they had to charge me.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. Of course, I didn't didn't want her to suffer and would have taken her in, but she faded fast and passed within an hour.

Speaker 3 I was truly heartbroken and cried into all the Thanksgiving pies I baked that afternoon.

Speaker 3 I was a little unsure what to do with Jaffy's little corpse until I could take her in the following day to be cremated.

Speaker 3 But after consulting with friends and family, I wrapped her in her favorite blanket, along with all of her cat toys, of course, and carefully stowed her outside on my city row house's roof deck where it was pleasantly chilly.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 3 It's not what you think. It's maybe a little worse.
Oh. And I have my heart is pounding because I think Mimi's going to be gone soon.

Speaker 3 It's the same thing. I'm Thanksgiving too.
It's so sad. I know.

Speaker 3 I showed up later that day at my family's Thanksgiving dinner in morning and made several, i.e., too many teary toasts in Jaffe's honor throughout the meal. I love it.

Speaker 3 Although we never had before, my sister suggested we go Black Friday shopping that night and we ended up at Michael's, the craft store.

Speaker 3 Walking through the aisles, my sister pointed at a little wooden box and jokingly said, oh, that looks like a little coffin for Jaffy.

Speaker 3 Of course, I tearfully snatched it up and brought it back home that night where I gently and kind of stiffly by that point settled Jaffy in it on the roof deck before I went to bed.

Speaker 3 The next morning, I scheduled Jaffy's cremation, but I felt like a little more ceremony was needed. After all, this cat had been with me for basically all of my adult life so far.

Speaker 3 So I decided to make a quick stop at my favorite bench by Baltimore's harbor so that Jaffney and I could say a final goodbye to her city together.

Speaker 3 That day after Thanksgiving was definitely warmer than it had been the night before, and as I put my little cat coffin on my car's front seat for the short ride to the harbor and then carefully carried it to my favorite bench, I could detect the beginning of a faint smell.

Speaker 3 But I didn't care.

Speaker 3 I sat in the sun with the box, which I had stayed up late decorating with a Sharpie the night before, on my lap for a couple minutes and waited for the few tourists milling around to leave before I could say my last goodbye.

Speaker 3 I don't know if it was my grief-stricken sleep deprivation or what, but as I got up to leave, I suddenly thought, you know, it would be so fitting for this Baltimore cat?

Speaker 3 A burial right here in the harbor. Oh.

Speaker 3 It seemed to make perfect sense as a more meaningful alternative to her anonymous cremation.

Speaker 3 And before I really knew what I was doing, I walked to the edge of the pier, whispered goodbye, and dropped Jaffy's wooden coffin into the harbor. Oh, no.

Speaker 3 As I watched the lovingly inscribed box bob out into the open water, I had another realization, which was that the box wasn't sinking because it wasn't weighed down with anything but a very, very skinny cat body and some cat toys.

Speaker 3 Are you crying?

Speaker 1 You know, I just, it's so like, it's so when you're

Speaker 1 stuck out by yourself. Totally, you're like, you just want to give the cat your final.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's so sad.

Speaker 3 I stood watching it float and then continued watching as around the corner of the pier, a Baltimore City Harbor police boat slowly drifted into view.

Speaker 3 That box wasn't sinking, but my heart sure did as I watched the police boat suddenly change course and head straight for my poor cat's midnight madness coffin.

Speaker 3 I stood a few seconds more, riveted by the sight of a large net being lowered into the harbor to retrieve the box.

Speaker 3 And then I'm ashamed to say, I turned around and took off running from that pier. Yeah, you did.

Speaker 3 There are a lot of stories about bodies being dumped in Baltimore's harbor, but I was pretty sure that even having to explain a cat body would mean some trouble and probably a fine.

Speaker 3 I'm still sad about my cat's posthumous fate in the hands of the police. And to this day, I always whisper a little, hello, Jaffy, every time I pass that pier not in there

Speaker 3 you should do as you pass the police department because right but i will say that it is possibly my greatest party story to tell here in baltimore except for the time john waters picked up a friend of mine at last call which turned into a truly surreal late night slash early morning at his house during a massive snowstorm ah you getting stuck in a snowstorm at john waters house i mean oh my god greatest man of your life you lucky bastard love you all and all that you do stay sexy and don't ever ask me to dump a body in Baltimore's harbor for you because I'm obviously not good at it.

Speaker 3 Rachel, she, her. P.S.
Karen, as an 80s teen, my first big crush was on See Thomas Howell. I always thought I was the only one.
Oh, girl. It was all of us.

Speaker 1 All of us Outsiders fans. Wow, that is so hilarious and sad.
I was actually thinking of this. We had this cat, Rory, and she was old when we adopted her and she didn't like us or anything.

Speaker 1 And she was like one of those miserable miserable old cats. We kind of brought her around near the end.
Then she died. And I'm pretty sure we buried her on the side of the house.

Speaker 1 And it's like, that's just there for the next people. Like, if they go, oh, we want to redo this and put it on the edge or something.

Speaker 3 I know that, like, I move so often. I know that my house right now isn't my final house.

Speaker 3 I'm not burying Elvis there because I know like in three years I'm going to change my mind about it and fucking move away. Yes.
And leave Elvis there.

Speaker 1 You have to keep, keep Elvis in whatever urn he's in. Exactly.

Speaker 3 Every family has so many amazing stories that no one has ever heard before.

Speaker 1 That's why Story Worth memoirs are perfect for your loved ones this holiday season.

Speaker 3 It might sound a little intimidating, but it's so easy. They'll love it.
It's a gift they won't see coming, something that makes them feel truly special. And it turns out it's a gift for you, too.

Speaker 3 Their magic layout and new book designs make your books and photos look even more beautiful.

Speaker 1 What's not changing? Customers love for Story Worth. They've printed over a million books and preserved 35 million family stories since their founding 13 years ago.

Speaker 3 They have over 48,000 five-star reviews on TrustPilot. Wirecutter, The Strategist, CNN, Fox News, and more agree Story Worth is the perfect gift for the people you love most.

Speaker 1 I mean, what a great thing. There's always the gift list for people that are impossible to buy for, people that you've bought everything for, on and on.

Speaker 1 This gift truly is like different than any other gift you give because it's literally giving your family members their own memories back to them.

Speaker 3 Totally, and it's something that you can share and cherish for generations, really.

Speaker 1 So give your loved ones a unique keepsake you'll all cherish for years, Storyworth Memoirs.

Speaker 3 Right now, save $15 or more during their holiday sale when you go to storyworth.com slash MFM.

Speaker 1 That's storyworth.com slash MFM to save $15 or more on your order.

Speaker 3 Goodbye. You love your cat, but nobody loves the litter box.

Speaker 1 It'd be weird if you did.

Speaker 3 With Pretty Litter, the litter box stays fresher, cleaner, and way easier to manage.

Speaker 1 Pretty litter is formulated with silica gel crystals that are safe for cats and people alike.

Speaker 3 Advanced odor control means your home smells like home, not not a litter box.

Speaker 1 They change color to detect early signs of potential illness.

Speaker 3 It also helps monitor your cat's health, detecting abnormalities in your cat's urine by testing acidity and alkalinity levels and the visible presence of blood.

Speaker 1 The ultra-absorbent formula uses less material than clay litter, reducing waste and saving money.

Speaker 3 We are a Molde-Cat household. Thank God.
I love it. It's my favorite, except for the litter box.

Speaker 3 And since we've been going out of town so much for touring, our house sitter has been cleaning the box and she does not do as good a job as we do. So because of that, we have this great litter.

Speaker 3 It kind of makes up for that, you know, and it's just like it's great for everyone.

Speaker 1 And right now, you can try your first bag for just $14.99 and get a free cat toy at pretty litter.com/slash MFM.

Speaker 3 That's pretty litter.com/slash MFM to get your first bag for just $14.99.

Speaker 1 Pretty litter.com/slash MFM.

Speaker 3 Pretty litter cannot detect every feline health issue or prevent or diagnose diseases. A diagnosis can only come from a licensed veterinarian.
Terms and conditions apply. See site for details.

Speaker 3 Goodbye.

Speaker 1 Okay, here's my last one. And the subject line says, I'm a Kelsey too.

Speaker 1 And then it says, hi, friends, longtime listener, multi-time writer. Thanksgiving is always my favorite holiday.

Speaker 1 Growing up, my mom always cooked for a big chunk of my family, and there are a lot of us. I'm one of eight.
My mom was one of eight, and I lost count of how many cousins I have.

Speaker 1 And when I asked my mom why the hell she would have so many kids, she always replied, ugh, I don't know. I'm a recovering Catholic.

Speaker 1 I mean, my dad is one of nine. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's a gigantic family.

Speaker 3 Imagine it's like eight and eight. That's crazy.

Speaker 1 Okay. So one Thanksgiving, while the turkey and the other deliciousness was cooking, my mom was running around like crazy as always.

Speaker 1 I'm sure my constant offers to help were more annoying than anything as I was just a little kid. She was the type of person that always had 17,000 pairs of reader glasses.

Speaker 3 you know, those little half glasses.

Speaker 1 Yet she always managed to constantly lose them. That was like in the 90s.
That's all my parents did. Really? Was like, did you take my readers? Her's like, why would we, we don't use them, of course.

Speaker 3 And they got them at like the grocery store and shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So they're in pockets and they're in the couch and they're on the floor.

Speaker 3 You're wearing a pair right now, Dad. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 You're wearing it as a headband.

Speaker 1 So it says. During this one fateful holiday, she, to no one's surprise, lost the pair she'd been using.
We looked everywhere.

Speaker 1 It wasn't until the pungent smell of burnt plastic and smoke filled the air that we all realized what had happened.

Speaker 1 My mom had her glasses on top of her head when she last checked the turkey and they fell off her damn head into the bottom of the oven where they remained.

Speaker 3 Oh

Speaker 3 my God. Okay.

Speaker 1 So many questions. Why didn't she see that happen? Hear it.

Speaker 3 Fucking feel it. I'll tell you why I didn't see it.
She didn't have her fucking readers on. Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's very true. But I'm like, because she started drinking.
She had some gin fizzes around 11 a.m. That's right.
That's what Thanksgiving is for.

Speaker 1 To her horror, it did manage to ruin a good chunk of the food. Yeah.
But she was the most worried about getting her beloved parakeet out of the smoke.

Speaker 1 Us kids were on our own. It's now one of the funniest stories we talk about around the holiday in her memory.
My mom raised us on her own, and I lost her to suicide when I was a teenager.

Speaker 3 So hard.

Speaker 1 As the years go on, I struggle to remember her laugh. So telling these stories are what keep her memory alive for me.

Speaker 3 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Thank you for continuing to be a voice for mental health and all that it involves. We still have a lot of work to do and I am proud of everything you do.

Speaker 1 Oh, stay sexy and don't let mom lose her glasses. Kelsey.
And P.S., my hooray is that being from San Luis Obispo, Paul Flores was finally held accountable for the death of Kristen Smart. Yep.

Speaker 3 Yep. Oh my God.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Such a mom memory. I just love that mom Thanksgiving memory where it's like you're cooking for a million people.
You're trying to get all this stuff done. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Everything has different timing. It's such a pain in the ass.
And then, yeah, someone asking you what they can do to help is almost more annoying sometimes. Yes, exactly.

Speaker 3 Because you're like, well, you're going to do it wrong. Yeah.
So, okay.

Speaker 3 That's beautiful. Okay.
This is called Grandma's Kitchen. It's short.
My grandparents, Julia Ann and Willard Oliver,

Speaker 3 had eight children. Why?

Speaker 3 Each child married and had kids of their own. Me being the youngest of six for my parents.
All of this meaning Thanksgiving would be jam-packed with people in their country farmhouse.

Speaker 3 Grandma always stayed in the kitchen, working away to feed everyone. When food was done, she sat and didn't eat anything.
She said she ate by tasting everything while making it. Jesus.

Speaker 3 After her death, my aunt told us that grandma hated everyone visiting.

Speaker 3 Grandpa insisted and she gave in.

Speaker 3 So my aunt would go buy a fifth of Jack and it was hidden in the flower bin. Grandma would start with a bit of it in her coffee and when the fifth was empty, the food was done.
Yes.

Speaker 3 Which is the fifth the like the little flask looking one?

Speaker 1 I hope so because if grandma was drinking a big boy,

Speaker 1 I think different things would be happening.

Speaker 3 Sure. She would sit in her chair in the kitchen and everyone would coo over her hard work.
I now know she was hammered.

Speaker 3 I'm happy to know I got my introvert nature from her. I don't cook, but I can make a stiff drink.
Yeah. Stay sexy and don't host if you don't want to.
Jeremy. P.S.

Speaker 3 One rule when she passed was that we couldn't announce it for a year. If they don't care to check on you alive, they don't deserve to know that you died.
Hell yeah, grandma. Grandma's vicious.

Speaker 1 Grandma's like, fuck all these kids.

Speaker 3 I love it. That's hilarious.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Grandma. Julia Ann, R.I.P., we'll think of you this Thanksgiving.
You gotta ask everybody have a fifth of something if you want to. Truly.
Get through any kind of family holiday any way you need to.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 1 Especially if you need to just go stand outside. Right.

Speaker 1 And stay sexy.

Speaker 3 And don't get murdered.

Speaker 1 Goodbye. Happy Thanksgiving.

Speaker 3 Thanksgiving. Elvis, do you want a cookie?

Speaker 1 This has been an exactly right production.

Speaker 3 Our senior producer is Molly Smith, and our associate producer is Tessa Hughes.

Speaker 1 Our editor is Aristotle Acevedo.

Speaker 3 This episode was mixed by Liana Squolacci.

Speaker 1 Email your hometowns to myfavorite murder at gmail.com.

Speaker 3 Follow the show on Instagram at MyFavoriteMurder.

Speaker 1 Listen to MyFavorite Murder on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 3 Or watch us on YouTube, search for MyFavorite Murder, and then like and subscribe. Goodbye.

Speaker 1 Psoriatic arthritis symptoms can be unpredictable.

Speaker 4 I had joint pain and I couldn't move like I used to. I needed relief.

Speaker 3 I got Cosentix.

Speaker 4 It helped me move better. Cosentix Seccukinumab is prescribed for people two years of age and older with active psoriatic arthritis.
Don't use if you're allergic to Cosentix.

Speaker 4 Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur, like tuberculosis or other serious bacterial, fungal, or viral infections.

Speaker 4 Some were fatal.

Speaker 4 Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms like fevers, sweats, chills, muscle aches, or cough, had a vaccine or plan to, or if inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen.

Speaker 4 Serious allergic reactions and severe eczema-like skin reactions may occur. Learn more at 1-844-COSENTIX or COSENTIX.com.

Speaker 4 Ask your rheumatologist about Caucentix.

Speaker 1 Amazon Five-Star Theater presents real customer reviews performed by a real serious improv podcaster. Tonight's review, Spatula for the Stars.

Speaker 1 When I'm dead and civilization eventually collapses, this spatula will remain.

Speaker 1 It will be the only rune uncovered by some unknown species of the future upon which they base their assumptions of our existence.

Speaker 3 Eggs! They were positive.

Speaker 5 These extinct people like to eat their eggs!

Speaker 1 And this was their primary tool for cooking them.

Speaker 5 Let us teleport and put this device in the Milky Way exhibit.

Speaker 1 Five stars, Zachary. Find your perfect gift this holiday on Amazon.

Speaker 4 Hey, Ryan Reynolds here, wishing you a very happy, half-off holiday, because right now, Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service.

Speaker 4 And Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price.

Speaker 3 So, that means a half day.

Speaker 4 Yeah? Give it a try at mintmobile.com/slash switch.

Speaker 6 Upfront payment of $45 for three month plan, equivalent to $15 per month required. New customer offers for first three months only.
Speed slow out of 35 gigabytes of networks busy.

Speaker 6 Taxes and fees extra.

Speaker 3 See Mintmobile.com.