PREVIEW: Fiorello La Guardia (with Calvin Kasulke)

We have a cool new thing that we've been working on, which is trying to figure out where mayor goes in the progressive stack of like race and gender and stuff.

Well, because mayor is a marginalized class, obviously.

Yeah, and it is protected under the under the like the International Committee on Human Rights or whatever.

Yeah.

Yeah, I thought it was weird that they protected it under genda when they passed that last year

in New York City.

And that is why, I believe that is why Judge Ho had to let Adams off the hook is because it is a, it is a protected class.

There are sentencing disparities for mayors.

Unfortunately, in Britain, now they've decided legally that all mayors are actually aldermen, which is like a failed class.

This is honestly, it's a disaster for Black, Indigenous, and President of Council.

Anyways, if you know a British mayor, check in on them today.

That's true.

That's true.

Check in on your mayor.

And then if something,

what'll happen is if you then experience some, I don't know, minor inconvenience, they will repeat the entire words of your check-in back to you.

Let's say you accidentally bought the wrong size wine rack, for example.

Is this perhaps a simmering grievance of some kind?

Oh, you don't know Trilay.

Wait, so i have a question is there the wine rack that you bought that is the wrong size that you were complaining about the other day in the chat yeah um is that replacing the sort of like rickety tower of babble you had been attempting previously in your basement

or is this a new thing no no no so what happened is i have a 56 bottle wine rack that was sitting on top of a table that was largely improvised out of scrap material.

And I noticed that the weight of the bottles was causing the table to begin bowing a little bit.

So, I switched all the light stuff that was under the table, boxes of toilet paper and so on,

on top of the table, and I put the wine under the table.

But it has spilled its banks now to the point where there's it's there's more in boxes than not, and so I just need

you're in a kind of gone in 60 seconds kind of situation where you need to drink 30 bottles of wine in a day.

Yeah, yeah, yes, I'm doing gone in 60 Seconds 2, where instead of stealing cars, they drink wine.

I will say, of the genres of heist movie, wine heist, not a common one, and maybe it should be.

Gone in 60 Seconds 2, colon leaving Las Vegas too.

No, I mean, look, my favorite character, of course, in the Weinheist movie is the getaway driver, who's just a sort of burning wreck

side of the road.

The getaway driver is a guy standing on a barrel.

No, you just play it completely straight and you go, this guy's the hacker.

He's going to get us in past all the security systems.

And you cut to him, the guy in a hoodie necking a full bottle of wine.

That's right.

That's right.

Saying that he's fine to drive, actually.

Yeah.

I will say, not a lot of wine heist movies, a lot of wine heist episodes of Columbo.

Like, I want to say every fourth episode of Columbo is about a person I could only call a wine dickhead

who has murdered, like, you know,

like, like a sommelier for, you know, reasons that it takes 45 minutes to get through, that it could take easily about six and a half, but, you know, you just want to see Peter Falkland.

There's an episode of the Sopranos that is a wine heist.

Yeah.

Really?

Okay, we're developing here.

We're working on the.

I'm developing a genre.

We're mapping the wine heist.

One more thing.

Now, my wife, you see, my wife loves a Chardonnay.

I don't care for it myself, but yet she says that the American ones are more likely to be oaked, and that requires a little more butteriness.

And you say,

you say that the murder weapon slipped out of your fingers.

Now, I don't know.

One more thing here.

You were drinking a European Chardonnay, were you not?

There we go.

That's my Colombo.

Wow, that's a really good wine, Colombo.

You got to have niche knowledge of two things in life.

And these are the two that it helps to have.

I hate that Godot quote.

Godard.

Godot imaginary, Godard real.

All you need to make a movie is

niche knowledge of two things, girls and guns.

So this is the podcast.

It's called No Gods, No Mayors.

And I am your mayor for this episode, Maddie.

I'm joined as ever by my deputy mayors, Riley and November, and two special guests today.

Not only are we joined by Wine Colombo himself, he's in studio with us, we're also joined by my pal, novelist Calvin Kosulke.

Hi, Calvin.

Welcome to the show.

I think it's very brave of you to invite your Klaus Kinski onto the show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

After you finished filming that episode of Columbo, the wine enthusiasts actually offered to Matthew to like kill you.

Oh, many Fitzcorrado jokes.

Can we work into one podcast, folks?

Probably like a bootload, I'd say.

No.

Hold on dreams.

Fuck off.

We're joined by no guests, actually.

Calvin has to leave.

From Introduction to Regret, 40 seconds.

It's pretty good.

Columbos of the Useless.

Calvin and Juan Colombo killed each other like the Cobra and mongoose, and now we have no guests.

Check this shit out.

Fitz Columbo.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, there we go.

My wife had a boat.

She was trying to get up a mountain.

She's crazy about these things.

My wife, crazy about opera.

She wanted to bring it to all the peoples of the world, uncontacted tribes, even.

Now, one more thing.

The Italian stuff.

I think it's a little frivolous, but you know, she likes it.

Ah, God.

Okay.

We have a mayor to get into that has a decent amount of material, so I want to get into it, but first,

we have a segment.

There's so much here, and we're just stolen for stolen.

We've got like multiple extra show note pages than normal, but it's fine.

And we're doing wine, Colombo, FitzColumbo.

Two different kinds of Columbos.

At the end of the episode, we'll reveal the third kind of Colombo to complete the comedy trio.

Can you listen or guess at home who it's going to be?

It's like Neogenesis.

Shinji, you must pilot Columbo or Ray will have to do a ten when Unit One goes berserk.

It's just when he turns around and addresses the courtroom and says one more thing.

All right.

Okay.

We're first doing,

we have a very brief municipal roundup.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm just going to really quick read a headline here.

Mayor Adams' legal defense fund has raised no money this year and is $3.2 million in the red.

That was municipal roundup.

Wait, wait, wait.

I have a last-minute breaking item for municipal roundup.

It's also Eric Adams.

It's about him wearing a really tightly fitted white t-shirt

with the American flag and in God We Trust in Italian.

And when asked about this, he lied and said it was Spanish and he was wearing it in solidarity with the victims of a nightclub roof collapse in the Dominican Republic.

That's our regatto, Eric Adams.

Podesta of New York.

Anyways, that was Municipal Roundup.

Whoosh.

Yeah.

So speaking of Italians, I want to get into our merit today.

Fiero LaGuardia is who we're doing.

And I'm going to start us reading from his New York Times obituary, which was published in the,

ooh, boy, what year did he die?

The late 40s.

The man who routed Tammany Hall.

from City Hall and sent that organization more than a century old into a period of decline was only about five foot two inches in height, a rotoned little man with a swarthy skin and a belligerent independence that often verged on irascibility.

Jesus Christ.

Bald hair invited comparison with Napoleon.

His voice was high and in debate often became a screech.

Jesus Christ.

I, so a couple of things here.

First of all, this man may have been part owl.

But second of all, really, really insulting that you die, you're a famous public figure in New York City, no less.

And the the thing that the Times obituary staff want you to know first and foremost is this was a short man.

Rotund and swarthy.

This was a short, unpleasant man.

We'll get to the like, you know, fat and swarthy.

We'll get to those.

But like, first of all, chief thing, short.

Yeah.

This man is short.

He's also what is considered ugly.

He's also his voice not so great.

And now he's dead.

that guy is now dead the physical experience of be the set the sensory experience of being near Fiorello LaGuardia a real one out of ten is what I'm getting from this

just he may as well just have gone like dead short fat piece of shit with an annoying voice bowling ball I hate die

City in mourning for some reason

anyways Fiorello Rafael Enrico LaGuardia was born in 1882 in New York City to immigrant parents.

His father, Aquil Luigi Carlo LaGuardia, was the son of a Garibaldian revolutionary.

He was a Fogian composer and lapsed Catholic.

His mother, Irene Luzatzo Cohen,

was a Fogean composer and lapsed Catholic as a Wes Anderson-ass introduction.

I really was doing the sort of like

soft piano music on the business.

His mother, Irene Luzatzo Cohen, was a non-practicing Sephardic Jew.

They met at a dance in Trieste.

Again, this is still Wes Anderson.

This is still Wes Anderson.

Everything is very center frame.

Yeah, they were married.

They were married in Trieste by the mayor of Trieste

named Riccardo Bazzoni.

Who's Villa Bazzoni, named for his father, Gracco, still standing in the city?

Thank you for putting it in the notes.

So,

future episodes.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

Future guest of this.

I know, inevitably.

Inevitably.

Inevitably.