Ep 273: Rose Matafeo (Christmas Special)

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking one of the ingredients of eggnog, adding in the humor of the other ingredient of the eggnog, and pouring it into whatever internet that you drink the eggnog.

I don't know anything about eggnog, but I feel like I should have, I'm doing a Christmassy-themed intro, James.

Yeah, it's put, you know, you know, some people would have gone.

Nutmeg?

Nutmeg, yeah, definitely.

Nutmeg of the internet.

That is it, Gamble.

My name is James Agaster.

Together we own a dream restaurant.

Merry Christmas.

And every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever star and main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Rose Matafeo.

Rose Matafeo, a wonderful comedian, writer, director, actor.

So many things going on in Rose's life, James.

Incredible.

And it's a Christmas episode as well.

So we'll be asking Rose her dream Christmas dinner as well.

We will.

The little extra course in there.

Happy Christmas, by the way.

Happy Christmas, Ed.

Happy Christmas, Benito.

Happy Christmas, Benito.

Benito gave us a thumbs up, didn't even look us in the eye.

It's nice of him.

Now, even though it's Christmas, there is a secret ingredient that if Rose picks it, we will be forced forced to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

On Christmas.

On Christmas.

Of all days.

We won't feel good about it.

No.

And this week, the secret ingredient is horn dogs.

So, I don't think, I mean, she's not going to pick it because I don't know what it is.

Rose did a show called Horndog.

I guess we're thinking that it sounds like Hot Dog.

Yeah, Hot Diggity Dog.

I did a show called Hot Diggity Dog, of course.

Maybe that will come up.

You've both done dog shows.

Dog shows, yeah, yeah.

But I mean, Horndog essentially is a horny person, I think.

Yes, I think so.

But it sounds like a food.

Yeah.

And look, people might get annoyed at this and go, well, she's clearly not going to pick it because it's not a food.

It's Christmas, guys.

It's Christmas.

Come on.

It's Christmas.

Relax.

And we're running out of secret ingredients.

What do you want from us?

Anything that sounds like a food now is making it in.

Yeah.

The secret ingredient for the entire next series is horndogs.

Yeah.

That's what the secret ingredients section will always be.

Rose did a brilliant show called Horndog at the Edinburgh Fringe.

It won the Edinburgh Comedy Award.

Yes.

Of course.

First time nominated for it, and it won.

Yeah.

It was incredible.

So it could be done, Jones.

it can be done it can be done in one

you can just you just get it over with

full respect to people who do that in and out

i mean look again you're just going to reveal the schedule of of the off-menu podcast we're interviewing two edinburgh comedy award winners today yes let's see how many of my questions of how did you do it will end up in the edits

I love it.

Yeah,

of course you do.

Yeah.

I'm in the best position.

Yeah.

Never in the the run.

Yeah, don't have to worry about it.

Very chill about the whole thing.

He loves it.

Well, look, it's Christmas, so maybe they will tell me the secrets.

Yes, they'll wrap them up.

Yeah.

The secrets of the awards.

Yeah, bigger squads.

I'm looking forward to hearing what food Rose picks, though, because she's a foodie.

She's a foodie.

She loves food.

Christmas dinner as well.

I like hearing what people have for Christmas dinner each time.

It's always a little bit different.

Yeah, and it will be different because what do you have for Christmas dinner here in New Zealand?

that's a that's a self-access

so without without further ado because we don't want him doing that again what do you want for christmas dinner in new zealand this is the off

in district 9 this is the off menu menu of rose meta feo

Welcome, Rose, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you for having me.

Welcome, Rose Matafeo, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

I'm so happy to be here, guys.

We've been to lots of restaurants together before.

Yeah, we have.

We've been to lots of restaurants.

I was really annoyed when you said, yeah, we have.

No, I'm just, there was such an explosive entry that I got overwhelmed.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got overwhelmed by that.

That's not me.

People do get overwhelmed by the genie, and that's fine.

Yeah,

yeah.

But at least we've met before.

Imagine when we have guests on who don't know me.

Who don't know you, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't like that bit.

Yeah, we have been to a lot of restaurants before.

Love dining out.

Yeah.

You're a foodie.

You know what you're talking about.

Well, yeah, I guess so.

I'm a foodie.

Do you think I know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I think so.

You know what you like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's not a foodie?

Loads of people.

You know, once, actually, for the very brief, brief spell I was ever on Hinge, one of the, you know, they had to do prompts.

You can choose your own prompts.

Right.

And one of the prompts was a favorite meal.

And then the person answered, not a foodie.

What?

You got to choose that, man.

Yeah, also, you can not be a foodie and still have a favourite meal.

So don't even have a favourite meal.

Yeah, just pick pick something boring that you have every day.

But yeah, you're one of the first people who, like, I remember with Google.

Yeah.

Where's the best place to eat?

Like, I hadn't met anyone who did that before.

Really?

But it'd be like, right, we're going for tacos.

We have to go and get the best tacos.

I feel like that's important to you.

Well, that's interesting.

Yeah, I think I'm a big, I think that can quite get quite annoying sometimes, especially on holidays where you've got two people like that.

I once went on holiday with a couple of my friends and my friend Eddie was the same.

And so we would be both on Google Maps for reviews, kind of warring as to to where to go.

But I think, I think the technology, not the technology, but the community of Google reviews has gotten so much better since I, back in the day where I do that.

And yet, and I feel guilt about this, I have never given back to the community.

I have not once written a Google review.

Have you guys?

No.

No.

We can't, though, right?

Because our names would come up and that'd be quite weird.

Are you reading the names?

I'm not reading the names.

I'm reading the names.

You're reading the names.

Oh, my God.

I'm taking names.

I'm taking names, taking numbers.

I read Google reviews for comfort at night.

I will go to restaurants that I've never been to, have no intention of going to, and just read every single review.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And just kind of aggregate some sort of scoring or review from all the ones I read.

But I do feel guilt because I rely on them so much.

Yeah, and you're never giving back.

I've never really given back.

What's your threshold on Google reviews for a restaurant?

Oh, that's a great question.

Star-wise.

I looked up a place that I had been recently and it got a 2.4.

Oh, my God.

I was surprised.

And you liked it?

I didn't mind it, but then the reviews were much more.

I think there are different categories of like a bad 2.4.

One is like poor food hygiene.

Yeah.

And there's a second category of like the person who works there has got like, has named in all of these it's the best when it's like the woman who wore this and you're like, it's all, you're like, I'm pretty sure that's the same person

as was mentioned in the previous one.

You're connecting the dots.

You're building this picture.

Like it's, it's, a Google reviews section tells a whole story for sure.

Like there was this particular roast shop where they were like, Yeah, the woman is so, they're so rude.

And you could tell it was the same woman.

And then there's the thing where it's like when they start responding to the bad reviews.

That's awesome as well.

I looked up the Google reviews for a laundromat, no longer functioning, great laundromat.

But Van Stony went in and the photos that were uploaded was just the laundromat where the car had smashed into the water

and from multiple angles and i was like who's uploading that to the google review section of it it's just yeah but when it's like a long list of bad reviews like one stars and they're all about a rude member of staff yeah that makes me want to go to that place it's like totally i hope i go there and i get that person and i get to see the celebrity the rude lady i also think that some of them are smear campaigns yeah you can you can tell you can tell sometimes because then they'll start responding saying you're trying to like basically shut down businesses.

Yeah.

Just go and, you know, totally mess up someone's review kind of, you know, score.

I've seen that happen before.

You can see

different account names, like, but giving one star, but they'll use like similar turns of phrase in the reviews.

Like, this is the same guy.

Yes.

This is the same guy.

He used to go out with a rude lady.

It's like Zodiac Killer giving himself away.

Oh, my God.

James is obsessed with Zodiac Killer today for some reason.

Hey, I'm obsessed with Zodiac Killer in general, but why today?

Because there's a new Netflix show.

Yeah, I watched that.

I watched that.

Yeah, I love it.

He knows who did it.

I definitely know who the Zodiac is.

I can't stop thinking about it.

4.2 and above for me, I think, stars-wise on Google reviews.

That's pretty high.

Yeah, well, if I'm looking for someone good, I'm not going below 4.

Never.

If I see 3.9 above 4.

Okay, but then it has to do with how many reviews, though, as well.

Like a 4.2 and a 3 reviews.

Very true.

Yeah.

But if it's got like a thousand reviews and it's 4.2, rock solid.

But if it's got 1,000 reviews and it's 3.8, I'm still giving it a a shot.

Really?

Yeah, I'm going to go recent.

I'm going to go, then I'm going to sort of filter by most recent because it could be that they've gotten better.

I'm going to give it a go.

No, I think in this country, you've got to go four and above because everyone gives five stars as a default for stuff.

How do you feel about the use of the term in this country there?

In this country, yeah.

That was interesting,

yeah.

That was interesting for me.

Well, if you let me make my second point, we've all been to Japan this year.

They're much harsher markers.

Are they?

So you can look for a 3.5 and it's going to be an amazing restaurant because

you read some of the reviews, translate some of the reviews, and they're going, this was excellent.

The food was really nice.

The service was good.

Three.

Wow.

They're like solid.

Okay, so it is different.

Right, right, right.

Hence my use of the term this country.

But they're viewing it like food critics properly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like I've a friend who does that with Uber ratings.

Yo, everyone else just goes five and that's it.

Yeah.

And unless they're the worst driver in the world, in which case you just don't review them.

yeah yeah yeah i have a friend who's probably like that's a free star

you're like why are you talking about

comments to it he's like he'll there he'll have reasons and you ask him why have you why have you given that star rate and he'll say the things that were good things that were bad about it but is he doing that in the app though you can't no he doesn't

he just will do the star rating that he thinks is appropriate for what's his

know what his rating is no actually i i should ask him what his rating is i imagine not great yeah but then they don't know he could be a really amazing passenger yeah they don't know what he's He's really harsh credit.

He is quite a good passenger.

Before we start your meal, you've got a comedy special coming up, Rose.

It's very exciting.

What can you tell the listeners about it?

It's a comedy special.

It's a taped version of a live show I've been doing over the past year.

I don't know when it's coming out in this place.

This country.

This country.

This country.

This country.

This country.

Our country.

Yeah, though, it's a show I've been doing.

I did Melbourne and Edinburgh and stuff.

And it's honestly just stand-up.

Last time I I did a lot of screens, and I was like, I can't be bothered.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, it's just me talking.

And it turns out that might not be that interesting.

This is the worst promo.

What's it called, please?

It's called On and On and On.

There we go.

And I guess that's all I've been doing.

Junior Taskmaster as well was wrapping up.

It's on right now.

It's on right now as you're listening to.

Punk kids.

Punk kids.

Yeah.

I'll say that.

There's a lot of punks in there.

There's a lot of very precocious kids.

But they're all lovely.

So that would be fun.

And some very sweet kids as well.

It's a good mix of kids very good mix of kids very very much like a willy wonka-esque mix of kids yeah do you know what i mean but nice versions so they have it like yeah

you know on like regular taskmaster they have like always have an elder statesman yeah is there one kid that's like nine possibly

there kind of is because it's all from nine to eleven you know the conspiracy uh but uh i

i always think that they're like they all age from nine to eleven.

I'm like, why did you choose them?

Just

there was there was a that's the funny thing though

when you're a kid and someone's a year older than you're like whoa

tell me about it tell me about the year above

but yeah so that's all the things I've done where can people watch the special I don't know okay

Still all sparkling water.

Still all sparkling.

Still, thank you.

Sorry, I was trying to match your energy there.

I would love some still.

Yes.

Not a sparkling fan.

No.

Or a big fan of still.

I'm a big fan of still.

No, sparkling makes me burpee.

It does remind me of Willy Wonka when he has the fizzy lifting drink.

That's how I feel when I have sparkling.

Also, I once...

How do you feel about that scene in Willy Wonka?

In Willy Wonka.

Is it a sad scene for you?

It's a sad scene because Grandpa Joe absolutely does him the dirty.

I really do find that actually quite in a really

emotional scene because Charlie is,

he didn't do anything wrong and he gets told off so bad at the end of that.

And it's fucking Grandpa Joe who's like, let's just do it.

And then, yeah, and then the roof has to be washed and sterilized.

And it's a, it's, yeah, it's a, it's a sad, that, so that probably from a very young age taught me not to drink.

So sparkling water reminds you of fizzy lifting drink, but.

the telling off that Charlie gets at the end of having fizzy lifting.

I don't like getting told off.

Yeah.

It's horrible telling off.

I really hate getting told off.

Like big time.

I want to make sure everyone knows that I'm in a position where I can't be told off at all times.

But when I think of the fizzy lifting drink scene, I'm thinking of them floating in the air doing burps.

I'm not thinking of the telling off at the end.

I know.

I think even as a kid, first time I saw it, I was thinking they're going to get told off that.

That's bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's bad, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Especially by wonka.

Getting told off by wonka, man.

Well, that wonker, especially.

Like, I wouldn't care if, like, Johnny Depp's wonka was telling me off.

Yeah, yeah.

You'd be like, come on, mate.

You've been up to all sorts of nonsense.

100%.

But, like,

but Gene Wilder's wonka is, you know.

Also, Grandpa Joe, after you've just seen Violet Beauregard become a blueberry, Augustus Glope fall into a fucking chocolate river.

All of these lessons learned.

Well, he goes, Charlie, come stick back.

Let's do something more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What happens to Mike TV again?

Get shrunk real small.

Yeah.

Get shrunk real small.

Yeah.

And then he has to get stretched, didn't he?

Oh, yeah, let's go go and stretch him.

He has to go stretch him.

He goes shrunk real small.

He gets put in his mummy's handbag.

But we get to see a big old block of chocolate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that is good.

That's good.

Sorry, I didn't mean to derail the podcast into whether you want to chat so early.

No, you simply took the podcast in the direction we'd like it to go.

Yeah, I'd love to talk.

I mean, we haven't actually talked about that film on this podcast.

Are you kidding?

We have so many times.

I'd say maybe on 12 episodes, but I don't think we've not delved into the telling off after the fizzy lifting room.

I watched it so much as a kid.

I love it.

I think it's one of my top 10 favourite films.

I have actually looked into trying to buy on Etsy the wallpaper, lickable wallpaper.

Oh, yeah, that's great.

How you make it, and you can melt down sweets and then paint it.

And then so it becomes, you know.

That's a very rosy thing.

That's a very me thing to do.

Yeah.

To look into it and then absolutely do nothing about it.

No, no, no.

Have a thousand tabs on it.

I'd say definitely the looking into it would would take a long time.

Looking into it, imagining, well, how you're going to do it.

And then I think you would go as far to do it.

Yeah.

Post pictures of it and stuff.

I have mentioned Willie Wonka so much in stand-up all the time.

I'm obsessed with

his mum and the massive wooden spoon that

she does that laundry soup with, you know?

Oh, Charlie's mum?

Charlie's mum.

When she sings her sad song.

She's got a massive salad tong.

You remember all the saddest bits from Willy Wonka, don't you?

There's a lot of sadness in that, I guess.

There's a huge amount of sadness.

That and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I think, are really actually truly dark films of the 70s, children's films of the 70s that have a lot of amazing food moments, but also a lot of sad emotional moments as well.

I'm just flying car, right?

That's what I'm remembering.

Chitty Bang Bang.

You're remembering Child Catcher?

Yeah, sure, but he's a laugh, isn't he?

No.

He's dancing around all over the place.

What are you talking about?

It's awful.

He's got lollipops.

Treatment.

Yeah, when he's walking around the courtyard, like trying to get the children to come out, that's pretty scary.

Yeah, it's awful.

Yeah,

the king and queen of that hate children.

I kind of like them to be honest.

Yeah.

I bother with them.

She's hot.

She's hot.

Have you seen her recently?

Go on YouTube.

Recently?

You like her now?

I've recently seen a video of her.

You've got to check it out.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

As a little tip for you guys listening,

go and check out the queen from Chitty Chitty Bamboo.

You'll see those out for Dan Summers.

She's got a corset on, long plaits.

It's crazy.

So yes, still, please, still, because sparkling also are bad for your teeth.

Yes, so we keep hearing, but I feel like now and again, it's probably fine.

Oh, yeah, for a treat.

Different treat.

For sure.

Yeah.

What temp do you want this still water?

Okay, I wasn't really.

Yeah, I didn't know there would be a follow-up question.

You know what?

Just a little bit above room.

I do love a cold water though, but again, is it bad for the health?

Do you think cold water is bad for the health?

Yeah, really cold water because you're heating it up in your body.

Like, it should be room temp.

I really think if you're worrying about that how how you're getting through life right just have a cold water if you're worrying about that you're you're trying to you know you're taking your son's blood or whatever to

i don't know like whatever that tech billionaire does yeah he's not that guy's not drinking cold water he's not drinking cold water he's doing room temp yeah yeah and he's harvesting his son's plasma yeah that poor son that poor son what a life what's he gonna do when he's older upload his brain to a usb or something yeah that's true let leave his body to his dad i can't wait for the brain usbs yeah yeah yeah I'm really, I'm not only can't wait, I'm relying on them.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

I'm relying on them to come through with that tip.

How are you going to, what are you going to save bits of your brain?

Well, I think it's more San Junipero kind of black mirror vibe of like, pop me in a simulation for the rest of time.

Pop my brain on the USB.

What simulation would you want to be in?

Oh, shit.

Where would you want to be?

That's a good question.

Is it somewhere you've never been before or is it a happy time in your life?

For me, somewhere I've never been.

So it doesn't feel like Groundhog Day.

So

supermarket.

No, I hate to be in a supermarket, but that'd be great.

Just be a supermarket for the rest of time.

No, I don't know.

Yeah, that's a good question.

Not the chocolate factory.

No, not the chocolate factory.

You don't want to go there?

No, I want to get told off.

Yeah.

This is your simulation.

You don't have to be told off.

You could be wonker.

What's he scared of being told off?

Not if you're Wonka, although you're constantly worried about sluggish.

There are rules.

I don't want to go to that factory.

Of course there's rules.

There's no rules in that factory, really.

He's making up stupid rules.

If there's no rules, why is he telling people off-ed?

Yeah, because he's got a problem, that guy.

But when Rose is Woolly Wonka in her brain simulation.

Yeah, the whole factory is going to run out of control.

It's going to go nuts because there's no rules.

There has to be some order for there to be some fun.

Okay.

Well, there you go.

That's the most Rosematophoto sentence I've ever heard in my life.

That's true.

Pog-ums or bread.

Pogoms or Pop-ums, motherfuckers.

Man.

I think I'd come unprepared.

Yeah, pop-adoms, pop-a-doms.

Why poppadoms over bread?

I don't think of you as anti-bread.

I'm not anti-bread.

I mean, I love putting a carb against a carb.

I quite often poll people on bread versus rice.

So if you were to choose one for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

With bread, obviously.

Not rice, man.

I didn't realize there was a right answer.

There is a rice.

There is a right answer.

Yeah, there is.

I also do my rank.

I've done your rank your meats question to you as well.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a good one.

But with poppadoms and bread, pop-adoms, man, the crunch, the taste, the salt, the volume, the amount you can eat.

It's just, yeah, no question.

If you're in a restaurant and someone brings out a plate of poppadums,

you're like thrilled.

You're like, can I have more?

Bread is like, yeah.

Depends what restaurant, though.

If you're having amazing bread, it's exciting.

Yeah, but the spectrum of bad bread to good bread is much wider, I think, than a bad pop-adum to a good poppadum.

That's true.

I think it's much more consistent.

Yeah.

Are you dipping anything with the poppadums?

I'm laying.

I'm laying stuff on top.

I can't dip.

Too weak.

Yeah.

I mean, it depends on the quality of the poppadum, really.

But I'm going a mango chutney.

Yeah.

Mango chutney, then the writer.

On top of the mango chutney.

Yeah.

So you're sort of piling.

You're piling.

I'm piling.

Yeah.

And then maybe if I'm feeling insane, a tiny sliver of the onion one, but not now.

Not at this age.

Not at this age.

What's happened at this age?

Onions, man.

Onions.

Not your friend.

I've recently been diagnosed with silent acid reflux.

Have you?

This is an exclusive to the podcast, guys.

Here we go.

It's never happened before.

This is like when Stephen Fry went on Roherluster Per.

This is the emotional bit that you clip up.

Yeah.

I have been recently diagnosed

with silent acid reflux at the tender age of 32.

Which is a form of acid reflux where I don't get heartburn.

But it goes all the way up and it has given me mild laryngitis for

years now, apparently.

so it's silent acid reflux yeah

but deadly

silent but deadly silent but deadly because it's not giving you heartburn so you don't know you have it so so it's fine then no no no because

it gives you laryngitis it gives you um acid reflux in the night and stuff so i gotta have gaviscom which is i'm i i cannot stand this stuff it's terrible i just want to nail down if it's giving you acid reflux but you're not feeling it i'm feeling it right but not i'm not getting the heartburn okay so it's silent in the sense that heartburn is usually the biggest symptom of acid reflux,

which I have not experienced.

So what are your symptoms then for acid reflux?

Are you doubting?

No, I'm not.

I'm saying I'm trying to nail down.

I don't know

what the other symptoms are.

So you said you're feeling it.

How do you feel?

Coughing in the night.

Coughing.

Okay, thanks.

Post-nasal drip.

Post-nasal drip.

Constant, relentless, mild laryngitis.

Okay.

Yes, thank you.

Do you want a note?

I got a note.

A note, please.

I've been recently sent from the doctor.

Silent.

Acid rule.

Well, it means though I have to stop, you know,

eating late and, you know, figuring out what your triggers are.

It just, it's, it's sad, isn't it?

Yeah.

I can't do it.

And onions are a real trigger for that.

I think onions and garlic, isn't it?

Yeah.

It sucks, man.

What was the final thing that made you go to the doctors?

I've got to sort this problem out.

This silent.

But you didn't know that's a VFLix at the time.

Well, I completely lost my voice after a run of shows.

And so I went to the, and then that, yeah, I went to an ENT doctor and he put the camera down my nose.

Oh, no.

And I saw my vocal cords,

saw my throat.

I was pretty freaky.

Do you put a camera down your nose?

Yeah, really good question.

Back into your nose?

Because I guess you go back and down, don't you?

Back and down, back and down to the throat.

But you go, do you go up and back and down?

It's up and back and down.

It's up and back.

Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

He did say that.

He did say that he was doing it.

He was like,

let's get into your menu proper.

Okay.

Dream starter.

Okay.

You're so crazy.

Can I just say this?

I don't believe in starters.

Yeah.

Good on you.

I don't.

Oh, God.

I knew.

Okay, so I knew that you were.

I mean, look, I'm not so sure.

We've had starters before together.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

And I think starters are...

You didn't hear fucking complaining then.

I think starters.

Oh, I'm not complaining because it's food.

It's more food.

Starters, I think, are a stuffy remnant of restaurant culture where it's like, oh, I have made a little starter and then I have a

fucking bring it all out, man.

I don't want a little goddamn, it's always a terrine or some shit, you know, like, I don't care.

It's always a terrine.

It's always a terrine.

It's always a scallop, maybe.

Yeah, I just, I think starters as a, as a thing, I, scallops are nice.

Scallops are actually nice.

But yeah, I think for me, genuinely, because I would prefer to eat as much as I can as fast as I can.

I think pacing myself, that's where I fuck myself.

So I, as my starter, I choose a Japanese wax figure of food.

Okay.

Oh my gosh.

So I'm choosing wax.

No.

I can't answer any more questions.

No, you have been into these things for a long time.

Yeah.

Wax or resin.

When did you get into the wax foods and watching videos of them on YouTube?

So

probably

from a long time ago.

I think Werner Herzog actually did a straight, like a documentary clip about this that was on early YouTube.

Since then, a lot more content is on YouTube about the Japanese art of making

fake food.

You guys will know this.

You've both been to Japan this year.

Also, I'm married to my wife.

This is true.

I've seen it happen.

And also, we have a big melting wax ice cream on our mantelpiece from Japan.

Well, they have that's a wax is sort of an old, more old school version of it.

I think this is a resin, maybe.

This is resin, yeah.

So the most popular YouTube video is watching people make lettuce and wax, but it's just honestly one of the most beautiful things to watch.

It brings a tear to the eye.

Are these the same things that, so there's a video that my wife Charlie watches a lot and is like, I'll come watch this video again.

Amy Sedaris is obsessed with fake food, yeah, and has a whole house

that has a whole house full of fake food.

And Charlie shows that to me as if, like, oh, this is what I want to be.

I want to be this lady.

I'm like, I don't see anyone else living with that lady.

I would live with Charlie.

I think we've got that in common massively.

But it's fake food is so...

So, oh, it's so exciting.

I mean, for those who don't know what I'm talking about, it's in Japan, right?

Instead of like menus, sometimes in the windows, you'll make fake versions of the meals, and they're just so accurate, right?

It's insane.

And they used to to do it out of wax now they do it out of plastic but um but yeah the pro the process is absolutely incredible there's whole like there's districts in tokyo where all of the shops just sell those things yeah and it is fun to look around at them yeah i do like it and i really like the i like the pint glasses with the beer pouring into it i really like that one yeah can we can we talk about for one second the damn bowl of ramen noodles with the chopstick going up and down outside of the restaurants yeah there's one in london i think there's one in london in west london yeah yeah outside

japan the japan store store.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you like the?

I can't remember where it is now.

You two might remember.

There's a statue of a boy running away from a dog and the dog's pulling his trousers down and you can see his butt.

No.

There's a statue outside a restaurant.

Yeah, yeah.

You can see that statue.

That was great.

We went back there.

Did you guys go to the cup noodle museum in Osaka?

No.

You've been there.

That's cool.

You can make your own cup noodle.

Yeah.

What did you put in yours?

Corn.

Yeah.

Spring onions.

Mushrooms, maybe?

I didn't.

I never ate it though.

No, no.

You prefer a fake one.

I get a candle.

I did get a candle that looked like a cup noodle.

Well, there you go.

Another wax food.

100%.

So yeah, if someone brought out a cup noodle looking candle, wax candle for my starter, I'd be like,

so hang on.

So we've discussed it now, so now I need to wrap my head around this.

Yeah.

You don't want a starter to the extent you'd rather just look at something that looks like food that you can't eat.

I want a novelty.

You want a novelty?

I want it.

Yeah, a favour, a party favour.

So you're taking this home with you?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

And what is the food again?

The wax?

Yeah, that's a really good, that's a good question.

Um, maybe just a lettuce, yeah, a head of lettuce, so not even something that would be a good starter.

I think, though, it works.

Have you ever seen Rose watch these videos?

No, I'm not sure.

I've seen Rose watch these videos, yeah,

and I'd say it's as much pleasure as people get from having a starter because

I know I only saw it once, yeah, you were sitting there with your

hands folded across your chest, and every time they made a different food, Rose would go, Lettuce,

yeah,

cucumber, pickle.

I like, I just would say it to herself, and it was calm and really to see that she was in a very happy place watching it.

So, do you do you want them to bring it out and it's made, or do you want someone to come out and make it in front of you?

That's a great question.

Yeah, that's actually true.

I want to, I want to see it

to be honest.

Maybe I just want a YouTube video, I want an iPad.

No, this is a dream restaurant.

We can

bring you out an expert on it.

I can get the guy.

Yeah, you can get the guy to make it in front of you and then you can sit there and silently go, ladies.

You know what I've upgraded to?

I've upgraded to a YouTube account called Dancing Bacons, who's a man who goes around and goes to the most interesting vending machines all around the world.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's all point of view.

And he has not one negative review of any of the foods that he eats.

So like my favorite ones are when he goes on like a Japanese overnight ferry and he only can eat from the vending vending machines and it's very silent and it's just so it's the most it's like a brain It's like the washing of my brain to watch a man order things from a vending machine just eat it and enjoy it.

Oh man.

Yeah.

So um but I think for the purposes of the restaurant I want to see a man come out Give me a full a full lettuce.

Yeah.

Chop it in half.

Yeah.

I want to see the cross section.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I want everyone to clap.

Everyone.

Yeah.

Who else is there?

I don't know.

Around table.

A crowd.

A crowd.

A crowd has gathered.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course, crowds gathered.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then we see you make the knife hot.

There you go.

And that's your starter.

Hard to beat.

I don't want to say it early, but hard to beat, huh?

Your dream main course.

Will this be food?

It will be, oh, it will be, oh, it will be food.

There will be food.

Okay, so main course.

Now, people find this difficult, right?

To choose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because there's so many like different,

I guess you could be like, oh, but it's the last meal I ever want to eat or the thing I want to eat the most of if I could eat the most of it and not, you know, and not affect me.

But I think for me, thinking about this, I'm going to say,

all you can eat, yam cha restaurant.

So I want to talk about this.

Well, this is your platform.

Because in this country,

Yam Cha

no longer, well, in London, Yam Cha restaurants don't really exist as much.

Dim sum does.

Yeah.

But Yamcha with the full trolley service is something that in New Zealand is still a massive thing.

Yeah.

But here.

And in China.

Shout out to China.

Shout out to China.

OGs.

OGs on the Yamcha.

So it's basically New Zealand and China

do this thing.

We don't actually know who did it first.

There's no way of proving it.

It's pretty much like the Pavlova.

We don't know who did the Yamcha restaurant first.

So yeah, I find it interesting.

I think I've heard tell of a restaurant called New World Restaurant in Chinatown back in the day, which was Yamcha.

But I think it's possibly, yeah, I was trying to think of like, what's my favorite dining experience and how do I like eating food?

And I think I like eating food having lots of different options.

I really struggle to choose on a menu.

You'll know this probably as well.

You both know this.

I don't.

I will eat whatever the other person's eating.

You know, I want to mix and match.

But Yamcha is perfect because it's small bits of every single delicious thing so the trolley comes past trolley comes past and are they taking you through what's on the trolley oh yeah that's part of the experience take you through the whole the whole trolley take me through the whole trolley we're going the dumplings trolley dumplings trolley yeah i'm getting a prawn and chive okay getting a just a normal prawn a prawn and coriander underrated probably a pork shumai yeah uh probably those logs those rice rolls yeah have the prawns in it nice then we go to the more adventurous trolley which um uh usually yamatai restaurants if they come across your table of you know, confused white people, they're like, we're not going to show you this.

This trolley is not for you.

This trolley is not for you.

And I respect the hell out of that.

This is the chicken feet trolley.

This is the chicken feet trolley, which I do get.

I do get chicken feet.

Sometimes they're nice.

Sometimes they're a bit too gelatinous for me.

I eat chicken feet and I don't know whether I eat chicken feet because I like chicken feet or I want to show off that I'm eating chicken feet.

You think it's always the ladder?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is always the ladder.

But it's, it's that, yeah, there's some hardcore stuff on that trolley that I don't know if I am.

What else is on the hardcore trolley?

What about tripe sometimes, eh?

Yeah, I love tripe.

I genuinely like tripe, yeah.

Yeah, I think it's worth it.

I haven't had tripe in a long time.

I mean, it's have tripe at when we go for hot pot

as well.

Always have a bit of tripe, maybe some chicken feet there as well.

But tripe at mountain, the restaurant mountain.

Yeah, we went to.

Oh, yeah,

tripe was really good.

Yeah, it was tripe.

Yeah, of course, that was the last time I tripe.

And they put, like, they put pork in there and stuff.

They really worked really hard on it, and they take out a lot of the farm yardy stuff.

And people were really impressed that we ate that tripe, though.

Tripe's another one where you're like, yeah, you're damn right.

I'm eating tripe.

Who was impressed?

What, the stuff?

No, no.

Well, actually, Charlie wasn't impressed.

Wasn't Charlie impressed?

No, she thought it was disgusting.

Disgusting,

yeah.

I think Nisha thought it was disgusting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, what other meats are there?

Like, there's always like, it's always bony things, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anything gristly and a bit, yeah.

Yeah.

But you probably won't go for that trolley on the dream menu.

You're thinking, stick with the dim sum trolley.

I'd go with a lot of, no, I'd probably be adventurous.

A lot of the dim sum, sum, a lot of, I'd try the meats.

I would just go, I'd just go hard, I think.

I'd be more adventurous with the desserts, you know, the ones that would be like a square of jelly with chickpeas in it.

You know, hell yeah.

Is that for your main course as well, the dessert trolley from the

really good question.

Okay, so what would you, what would you classify in an egg tart at a yam chow restaurant?

Is that dessert or is that a savory?

Are you having it at the end of the meal?

No, sometimes in the middle.

Because sometimes the egg tarts, right, you never know when they're coming out because they come out in batches.

And so you have to get them quick.

So I will get them mid-meal sometimes.

You know what I mean?

I'm normal and good.

Yeah, yeah, just tackling some poor woman on a cart pushing the egg tarts.

You're in the door.

They've not seated you yet.

Give me the fucking egg tart.

Three freaking plates of egg tarts.

Yeah, but you have to.

You have to put in orders early.

But I'd say it's a flip.

It's not like a pastel dinata because every culture is its custard version of a custard tart, right?

That's true.

But I think the Chinese custard tart or the Chinese tart.

Or New Zealand, we don't know.

We don't know.

We don't know where it would be.

We still haven't nailed this down.

It can be both.

It's savory enough to be both.

Yeah.

I think we're not going to pick you up on it because I think the idea of having this entire yam char experience, the dessert comes as part of that.

It's another trolley food.

So of course you can throw dessert in there for your main.

What's amazing about a yam char restaurant is that it's like so easy to get food and it's impossible to get a Coke.

Like, you know, you'll be like,

well, you'll get all the jasmine tea you want.

It's awesome.

And then you'll just like want one glass of Coke and that will come at the end of the meal because they're just like, I don't fucking, I can't.

We're busy.

We're fucking busy.

We're pushing the trolley.

We're all this food for you.

Yeah.

So, um, BYO.

All of those dumplings sound amazing.

They sound good.

What are your favorite dumplings at EMJ?

I mean, sumai.

Yeah.

Sumai.

Yeah.

Pork and prawn, yeah.

Pork and porn.

Pork and prawn, yeah, of course.

I'm really getting into those rolls.

Any soup dumpling.

Oh, sorry.

Soup dumplings.

Yeah.

I'm an idiot.

Obviously, soup dumplings.

Don't beat yourself up, man.

No, it's fun.

Because in New Zealand.

Where they were inventing.

Where they were inventing.

No, we actually,

soup dumplings are much less common as they are here.

And I think Chinatown in London has so many amazing soup dumplings.

So I've gotten way more into them.

And, oh, my God, they're good.

What's your technique?

Very gentle.

Very gentle prod off the paper.

Sometimes I like to go from both angles.

So pull up the dumpling and then pull away with the paper with my other, you know,

hand and then straight in.

Straight in, you're not puncturing.

And bites the top off.

Quite often bite the top off or puncture a little hole in the top to release some of the steam in the spoon.

And then obviously if it bursts, that's fine.

You're still containing it within the spoon.

Or maybe put a little bit of the vinegar and soy in the spoon and then dumpling in.

So you're giving it a little bath and you're cooling it down at the same time.

Really nice.

Little hole, all in.

Wow.

I think you.

You're just going straight straight in i'm going straight in like a little water balloon yeah yeah i kind of like it because you can

yeah you feel like explode in your mouth also you different restaurants you know which ones come hot and which ones don't i think certain ones like uh dumpling legend they come a little bit not burning hot so you can put the whole thing in yeah yeah that's good they're spicy ones then they're awesome at the moment shout out to dumpling legend oh so good so good and they Some of these restaurants in Chinatown know how to get you in and out quickly.

That is it.

That's maybe why I've chosen char as well.

It's like speed.

Don't have to like talk to people that much.

They're shouting at you going, do you want this?

And you're like, I want it.

And that's it.

And then you go, put it on a freaking thing.

And it's, and it's a, you know, you can go to lots of bougie restaurants now that like get you to like tick things on menus, which I kind of hate when you actually have to like

still physically, you have to talk to the person.

You know, there's kind of doesn't actually.

And you've got to make a decision by ticking.

If you're confronted by a trolley, you're just going like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you're done.

And it's too late to change it it once it's done.

And also not knowing the price

is awesome because it always like, because you're going with enough people that it always does come out okay in the end.

So it takes away that horrible stress of when you're sharing, you can't, at a Yam Cha, you can't be like, oh, I didn't have the fucking chicken's feet or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

Because, you know, you just got to, you're all there.

Get over it.

Get over it.

And then you got a table that turns around.

It's Lady Susan.

Yeah, that's good.

I don't know.

It's good stuff.

But yeah, I do think I really enjoy the sort of efficiency of a Yam Cha restaurant.

Yeah, Yeah, I've any like Chinese restaurant in Chinatown, like especially the dumpling places, where you're like, I am so hungry.

And you can go from the hungriest you've ever been to the fullest you've ever been and paid and out of the restaurant in 10 minutes.

Yeah, 100%.

I went somewhere the other day.

They're like, we're closing in 10 minutes and we're just like, okay.

This is a cis.

And it just came out in like five minutes time.

You're like, this is so good.

It's amazing.

Because this is your dream restaurant.

Yeah.

Obviously, you've got three different trolleys coming around.

Yeah.

Who do you want pushing each trolley?

Oh, my god.

I know someone that you should want.

From something you've already mentioned in the podcast.

The ghost of Gene Wild.

Yeah, well, he's on desserts.

There you go.

That's another film you've already mentioned in the podcast.

And how much you love him?

How much you love watching him on terrestrial television?

Oh, Harry Pott Alan Rickman.

What?

That old lady on the.

Anything from the trolley?

That old lady.

Oh, my God.

That is too obscure to expect Rose to immediately know what you were talking about.

If I tell you one person,

you should have said straight away.

More?

I went from the ghost of Jim Wilder to then the ghost of Alan Rickman and eventually to anything on the trolley.

Now, what's happening with her?

Is she still with us?

Is she still with us?

Yeah, yeah, she's.

She's hot.

Look her up now.

She's hot.

She's crazy.

Yeah, she was in the Cursed Child as well.

And that's the most recent installment of stuff.

She goes nuts in the cursed child.

Who played her Benito?

Who played anything from the trolley?

Anything from the trolley, dears?

Gene 7.

What else has she done?

And is she still with us?

And is she still with us?

She's 97.

Beautiful.

Respect.

And she's still doing, what, eight shows a week in the Cursed Child?

Yeah.

And I'm going to call Han.

Jean, we need you at the restaurant tonight.

She's retired, but she can still push the trolley for you.

No,

she deserves some time selecting from the trolley.

So she's on the round table.

She's at the outside restaurant with me.

If you're figuring to people who've been good at pushing trolleys, namely one person is better than her.

Yeah, that's true.

I would love maybe sort of an a punct style prank kind of show.

Like it's lots of people, like celebrities, but they're dressed up as like, you know, yum chow waiters.

If someone revealed themselves to be a celebrity and you thought they were a normal yam chow waiter, who would you be most excited to see when they took the wig off?

They're wearing a wig?

Yeah.

100% wearing a wig.

And a beard, maybe.

Yeah.

We know anything from the trolleys in, right?

Are you letting anything from the trolley in?

Yeah, she's in.

If she wants, if she's in, she wants to do it.

Harry Potter, Wizard of the World, like chocolate and stuff in there.

Some chocolate frogs and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just on the side.

A sweet dumpling in the shape of a frog.

That'd be great.

Not bad.

I think.

Um, okay, if I, if I got to be surprised by a celebrity, maybe just like um Ben Shepard or something.

I don't know.

I don't know, like someone quite funny that would be like surprising.

Is Ben Shepard your like holding pattern for a celebrity?

If you can't think of celebrity, Ben Shepard's in there.

I think so.

Or maybe any of the hosts of Escape to the Country.

Okay.

So all of the people who have written the trolleys are people who have hosted episodes of Escape to the Country.

But they're in disguise.

But they're in disguise.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're expecting me to recognise them, but I possibly won't.

Especially if the first one.

takes off the disguise and you're like, oh, you, I think you

host Escape to the Country.

The next one is going to be even less surprising at this point.

So disappointing for them.

They're so nondescript.

It cracks me up.

I don't even know how many of them they have.

I couldn't tell you who they have.

I could not tell you their names, they're like, how many, like, but there's so many of them.

Yeah.

Who are they?

Who are they?

Are they radio presenters?

Are they real estate agents?

I don't think they're all real estate agents.

I don't think I've ever watched it.

Have you not?

No.

I think it's...

I watched a lot of it.

I watched a lot of it.

I watch a lot of British television daytime TV.

Yeah.

Did you start doing that when you first moved here?

Did you feel like you were assimilating by watching this country?

To this country?

To this country.

Yeah.

I watched a lot of Pointless, a lot of.

Back in the day where there was, it was still, what was that?

One where they would send teenagers over the seas and the parents would be spying on them.

Snog married.

Snog married.

Yeah, it was something like...

No, it wasn't.

Sorry.

It was son, sex, and suspicious parents.

Son, sex, and suspicious parents.

That was it, yeah.

Yeah, that's how I assimilated myself into this culture.

And to be honest,

it's worked.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

It served me well yeah served me well but escape to the country a place in the sun you know um all of that i watch a lot of that yeah so they're they're pushing the trolleys they're pushing the trolleys so people in daytime british television

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Now, because it's a Christmas special, we're going to do your bonus course with your Christmas dinner.

This is going to piss you guys off because you guys are from this country.

Yeah.

Okay, so I'm from New Zealand and it's on the other side of the world, a different hemisphere at Christmas time.

It's summer.

Yeah.

We're talking summer salads and we're talking ham.

A big old glazed ham.

Nice.

A green salad, an egg salad, chopped suey and taro, which is a salmon food, which my dad would make.

Roast potatoes.

So you were still throwing roast potatoes in there though.

Yeah, weirdly, yeah.

Still roast potatoes.

But they would go quite well.

Are they a little bit like colder?

Would you have like a colder roast potato?

Like a salad?

You usually have lamb.

Right, okay.

Warm lamb, hot roast potatoes, but then lots of cold elements as well.

Yeah.

So it's a bit of a mishmash to be able to.

To me, this sounds better.

I prefer this even on a winter's day.

Do you reckon?

In england yeah because i find the roast dinner quite a difficult thing to approach really yeah what do you guys think about turkey is not a thing in new zealand

just not a thing like not a christmas thing must have blown your mind the first time you saw a turkey

kind of did to be honest it was like this thing is huge yeah uh i uh yeah no turkey for me i don't really i eat i i don't mind turkey i eat it through tradition i like cold i like cold turkey yeah i like making sandwiches from it i like making curries from it on the day it's not my favorite thing.

Yeah.

I'm more about the sundries, the trimmings,

the stuffing.

Hugely.

All of that.

Roast carrots, roast parsnips.

So those are the things, yeah.

No roast carrot, none of that roast kind of culture.

We still have gravy, though, for the lamb and roast potatoes.

But it's, you know, so Christmas desserts would be very different, like Christmas Pavlova, you have to have that.

I'd make jelly for the family Christmas.

Nice.

Love a jelly.

And then fruit salad.

And you make that each year.

Yeah,

it was my responsibility each year to make the jelly from a young age what flavors i would go raspberry we got an orange lime and a blackcurrant four jelly you're doing four four different jellies wow controversially though i would do them all differently separately and then when i moved to this country when i would go back auntie jeanette had started doing the jelly oh they gave they gave jeanette the jelly well they gave jeanette the jelly and what jeanette auntie jeanette started doing she started doing a layered jelly So it was all the flavours in a mold.

And so you get all the flavours.

And everyone's like, this is amazing.

I'm like, I don't think that's.

Jeanette needs to wind a fucking neck in there.

God bless Jeanette.

She's the best.

But then

Nan started doing this mental one where she started doing orange jelly and putting mandarin segments in it.

No, that's great.

I'm on board with that.

That's 80s, isn't it?

Yeah, that's probably.

It's quite refreshing to you for me.

Yeah, I think that's great.

Maybe I'll do that this Christmas.

Yeah.

It's quite refreshing.

Well, don't also don't start trying to do things that other people do.

after you've complained about it.

No, actually, everyone likes it now, so I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do the orange jelly.

So that's sort of the rundown of my Christmas meal.

Any fish?

No, weirdly not.

I come from a very fishy family.

So

my grandmother fishes and my uncle and stuff.

But no, sometimes marinated fish, raw fish, like in coconut cream and stuff.

Nice.

My nan makes a really good marinated fish, like delicious, because she catches it fresh.

And yeah, it's really good.

What kind of fish?

Usually snapper.

or terokey but yeah usually snapper is what what we'd use for apple sounds so delicious She actually uses full cream instead of coconut cream, which is quite intense, but quite delicious.

And then like little chopped up peppers and spring onion and all of that.

I think this sounds like a lovely Christmas meal.

Like sort of a bit of everything, really.

It is a real, it's a real smorgasb of stuff.

But it's, I do prefer that kind of thing for Christmas.

Like, it is an interesting thing to be here.

for Christmas, where I can understand a roast meal is like very comforting.

Yeah.

But

the rest of the day is a write-off.

I mean,

I like the option of being able to go, like, I'll have some meat and then I have some salad and then you feel lighter, you feel happier for the rest of the day.

Christmas Day is basically, we eat at like two, three o'clock.

Yeah.

And then the next five hours is just me praying I go to the toilet so I can have some dinner.

What are your thoughts on breakfast on Christmas Day?

Because I'm very anti-it.

I like it.

I guess it's the starter of the

breakfast.

I don't want it done, man.

We have ham for breakfast.

Oh, yeah.

We have the glazed ham with eggs and toast for breakfast.

Oh, yum!

Yeah, salmon.

Lots of people have salmon here.

Yeah, salmon's always an option, but no, I like going all meat all day.

Wow, absolute nightmare, gastrically.

But a nut roast, what I don't know for the vegans, whatever.

Sure, there ain't no vegan on my house at Christmas.

Not the gamble house,

all in the garden, gathered around a zebra.

Your dream side dish.

If I'm going to say I don't believe in starters, do I have to say I don't believe in sides?

Yeah, I'm just saying it.

Yo, this is your

because you've already said, like, with your daddy.

You might attack you.

Would you just have to defend yourself?

With your Christmas meal, it's like loads of sides, isn't it?

And you like sharing and you like getting involved and having a taste of everything.

So, sides surely should be right up your spot.

Well, I would have a whole meal full of sides.

Yeah, because I'm wanting a potato.

If I see a side, I do gravitate towards a side menu.

I think, especially when we go go to places where it's like well obviously we'll get all of the sides yeah just four things it's like bread olives potatoes some sort of green I want all of those olives aren't the side no no it's not a side sorry

crazy crazy places you've been going to massive olives wait so the can do they have to be sides of the yam char meal no they can be whatever you want if it's your dream meal okay if you want them to be sides of the yam child you've had a side dish that is like that's the best side dish I've ever had you have more wax stuff we're not going to stop you from doing that maybe I have

what

I think we are going to stop stop doing that

because then where does where do we stop with this that's true someone just come in and have a whole wax menu unravel no one else is going to do that yeah yeah that'd unravel the entire sort of point of this podcast if everyone just if you just said i want that wax do you like madam two swords i have been twice don't know if i like it it's pretty freaky phone to see them get made

100

phones get to see me yeah yeah yeah it does freak me out a bit they have gone through a re they've done they've done a redo of of madam two swords but um we actually did go to a very funny wakes museum once.

We did in Dublin.

Yeah, the worst one.

The most awful Wakes Museum I've ever seen.

So funny.

Very, very bad.

It's kind of popular for being the worst, though, isn't it?

Yeah.

I think Jonathan.

Oh, it's

ironically good.

No, not ironically bad.

No.

There's just one big room at the end where they're just like gone.

We don't know how to theme this room.

So it was like Mr.

Freeze, Colin Farrell from Alexander, David Bowie.

It's just this huge room.

Mr.

Freeze.

Mr.

Freeze.

None of him looked like any one of the.

Surely you're just going arnie just go arnie and don't put all your eggs in the mr freeze basketball full on mr freeze i think they tried to do arnie and it went wrong even by their standards and then they had to turn it into mr freeze

it is spray got a can spray pain yeah you made any silver by accident oh thank god

he's mr freeze mr freeze now um okay so sides sides i mean i just want to gravitate towards potatoes really like potatoes every way

every way potatoes every way but i think we've had potatoes every way before haven't we no not every way.

Feels like it should be another trolley.

It's a potato trolley.

Yeah.

Yeah, 100%.

Yeah.

That's fine.

But this is the side trolley of potatoes.

And I'm going to make you rank them.

Mm-hmm.

Rank them?

Okay, out of five?

Top five potatoes.

Top dolphen one.

Is that one?

Yeah.

We're starting with one and going down to five, are we?

That's a good.

That's yeah, actually I'm going to wait.

No, but I think that's how...

like people have to do it on the spot.

That's true.

So because

you can't go five to one.

Yeah, you can.

On the spot, you could go reverse order, knowing where you're headed with it all.

That's nuts.

On the spot, you would know what number five is rather than going with, here's my favourite, and then I'd say, I like this one.

No, you just go quiet for five minutes and then come back with the rankings for five to one.

Match is five?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa, okay.

Very thin French fries is four.

You're going to freak out.

He's going to panic when he gets to two because you'll go, my rankings are.

So very thin French fries for three.

Yeah, three is Dauphinoise.

Yeah.

Two.

Two is

Boulanger.

The hell's Boulanger?

No, it's a bread.

Sort of like

it's sort of, well, they used to make them in bakers when the ovens were cooling down.

That's what they would make in patisseries in France.

Well, baked potato.

No, they're like Dauphin Wars.

It's thinly sliced, but uses stock rather than cream.

Got it.

Almost number one.

Crisps.

Oh, my God.

You're full of shit, man.

Yeah, I screwed it up.

You're full of shit.

It is hard going five to one.

Yeah, yeah.

Respect W for W.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I probably very, very similar potatoes.

Yours is Dauphin Bar is number one.

Dauphin Bar is number one.

Yeah, I should have done that, but I went early and did it.

Number three.

I'd say

good ass chips, good ass fries.

Ass chips.

As good ass chips.

Some gas chips.

Number two.

Definitely a mash, a creamy mash.

Three.

Number four,

possibly.

Ooh.

I'm running out of potatoes.

Potatoes, five potatoes.

There's so many potatoes.

No, it's hard to.

Because I could say like a potatas prafas.

That'd be nice with the sauces.

And then a five, I'll do gnocchi.

No, I'm just kidding.

That'd be crazy.

That'd be too

heavy.

In the top five.

Is that potato?

No, yeah, actually, no.

Yeah, really good roast potatoes.

I'm constantly shown in the algorithm that fucking that hundred layer potato thing.

You know that one?

No.

Really?

I think we're on different algorithms, maybe.

Well, I didn't think we'd be, but I've not seen the 100-layer potatoes.

I'm kidding.

It's the one that they stack they just stack potatoes and they really compress it and then they cut it off in slices almost yeah maybe i've seen yeah yeah yeah yeah i've seen something similar it's like a confi potato thing yes the confi potatoes at quality chop house sorry that's number one that's it yeah is that i've never tried it it's like the like super layered and then cut it off and then fry the layers yes so good so good that might be it that should be in the top five yeah well that's on the trolley certainly it's on the trolley yeah

come on yeah so it'd be just every form of potatoes and then every form of sauce as well.

Great steak sauce.

I think sauces are really important and underrated.

The potato trolley.

I'm just imagining it now.

Potatoes.

Potato trolley.

It's so into the potato trolley.

Or you can eat aioli.

Or you can eat Bernays.

Or you can eat soy and vinegar.

Oh.

Imagine asking for aioli and they just get a massive spoon and put a huge dollar.

This is what I'm talking about.

Holy hell.

Just to let you know, I'm imagining Mr.

Freeze bridging the trolley.

I really?

I was imagining a giant potato with arms and legs.

Imaging Tato.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

They've got this new trend of putting ham over crisps.

Have you seen this?

Everyone loves it in Hackney.

No,

they do.

They've got fucking truffle crisps.

Yeah, you know the truffle.

Yeah, the Torres Truffle Crisps, you know.

Naturally.

Oh my God.

I can't have those now.

They're very addictive.

Did the doc tell you to stay off those?

They tell you to say, are you eating truffle crisps, Olympia?

You've got silent acid revolver.

No, they put it.

It's like this trendy thing.

I think a bar must have done it where you put that and then you put like layered prosciutto or like

you know, not hummingbird, but like, you know, ham on top.

You eat it all together.

It's pretty good.

Just sounds like the sort of thing I'd eat at home in a panic.

Well, exactly.

You know?

Yeah.

And now

how nice to go out and have that dish for the family.

Someone's done it for me.

Yeah, you're paying 20 quid for it.

And I'm not stood at the fridge and going, I'm going out in five minutes.

I was shoving my coffee.

Your dream drink.

Oh,

shit.

Wasn't expecting this one.

Yeah, no, I was, but I forgot.

That was a great noise as well.

Yeah, it's a good noise.

Oh, that's me.

I sampled in a rap song.

Sylvia and the Soprano.

Oh,

it just depends on

Hedge watching that.

Yeah, so

you think about that a lot.

I'm thinking about Zodiac Killer a lot.

He's thinking on Sopranos a lot.

It's very too well-balanced.

I've been thinking about Portugal.

I've been watching their mentors.

So I guess I could go alcoholic or I could go.

You know, weirdly, when you ask this question, I just think back to in New Zealand, there is a buffet restaurant called Valentine's.

And on the kids' menu, there was always...

amazing drinks like i don't know if you have the version like versions of them here but like pink panther or the traffic light and they'd be like really like sugary sort of non-alcoholic drinks yeah something about that i'm like I would choose something like a Shirley Temple or something or something very like novelty.

And I feel like choosing something alcohol would be just quite trashy.

To choose alcohol as trashy.

Yeah, my dream meal.

I don't want a trashy, trashy.

Burn on a lot of guests.

Well, most of the guests.

Most of them, I would say.

Bunch of trashy.

Bunch of fucking trash bags.

Yeah, I want a fucking I want wax figure of lettuce.

Yeah.

Some yum cha.

Sophisticated.

Yeah.

So you're worried about being perceived as trashy by picking an alcoholic drink.

No, I don't want to be pissed, you know, like if I'm drinking, if I'm drinking alcohol, like I'd say like straight whiskey, but I don't want to be like drunk and eating, you know, potatoes five ways.

Are you not drinking any alcohol for the pleasure of the taste?

Is it all about getting drunk?

No, it's not.

I mean, I like whiskey, whiskey high ball, all that stuff.

But yeah, it's too hard of a thing to.

Hey, if you would rather

drink a lot of point at a traffic light from that kids' restaurant, you can have that.

If you want a pink panther to not seem trashy.

But like, I would choose chocolate milkshake, but I know that that would make me sick.

Do you know what I mean?

So I don't know.

Pre-restaurants.

I'm a genie.

I can make it so you're not sick.

You could cure my silent acid reflux.

Yeah.

Like that.

You're already sat there fucking eating chicken feet and stuff.

Yeah.

Suddenly you're worried about your silent acid reflux.

Eating a fucking wax lettuce.

You've just gone, can I have as much AOL as you can give me off the potato trolley?

I don't think suddenly there's any point worrying about your acid reflux right okay all right

you're not a peas

I have some taste I have some standards um yeah okay well then I'll choose um

okay yeah I'll choose a spider a spider what's a spider coke with ice cream in it oh okay yeah is that a spider Coke float yeah we call it you call it a spider in New Zealand because it melts yeah like a spider yeah I guess so like a little weird that's good I'm gonna start using that I mean I don't know what I very rarely in my life do Coke floats come up.

Coke floats at the city diner in Edinburgh.

Yeah.

City restaurant, sorry.

City restaurant.

City restaurant or city cafe?

City restaurant.

Good coke floats.

Okay.

Is there somewhere in New Zealand that's like the best spiders?

I'd say it was such a kids sort of party thing, but

no, I don't think anywhere is probably still serving spiders.

Or root bear floats.

Federal Dally does a good root bear float.

Yeah, shout out.

Federal Dally.

Federal Dally.

It's been a shout out before on the off-met.

I don't know if it has been shouted out before.

We may, but I think we've talked about it.

Yeah.

I think we would have talked about it.

It is great.

Yeah.

It's a great spot.

Poutine at Federal Deli.

Poutine.

I mean, it's not, I mean, poutine, it's the chicken salad sandwich toasted with cheese.

Yeah.

It's which now, which used to be a thing you could sneakily ask for from the kitchen, and now it's become on the menu.

You know, when that happens, we're like,

is this restaurant losing its edge?

Because it's sort of, you know, I actually went and got that because all

you talked about it so much.

You talked about that so much i find that sandwich too wet with cheese it's too wet of a sandwich i would i would you know i'm not going to challenge you on that it's delicious but it's it's very wet but like really good really good pastrami it really good pastrami

really good salt lemon salt and amazing um well like the fish whatever fish they've got the steak it's it's really good stuff and it's next door to depot which is another fantastic restaurant yes oysters oysters there fish sliders fish sliders there are so good i had the best day a couple of years ago when uh when i was on tour there.

Went to the Weta Workshop Experience, which was in the same building my hotel was, and then went to depot.

Yeah.

Then added to this stupid show.

Auckland, I think, is one of the most underrated food cities.

If you know where to go, it is actually, yeah, it's mental.

It's only gotten better, actually.

Up in K-Road and stuff, heaps of stuff in St.

Kevin's Arcade.

And yeah, good sandwich game as well.

Sandwiches are getting better.

It's a place called Turtle and Hair, I think, or Hair and Turtle.

Is that where?

I might have gone with Guy.

I think Guy Montgomery said we did and had the Aubergine Palm sandwich.

That was so good.

That was good, eh?

It's such a good sandwich.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm so passionate about sandwiches.

Oh, great.

I'm going back next year.

I can't wait to eat a sandwich.

It's going to be good.

Yeah.

It's going to be good.

Yeah.

You have to go to New Zealand to eat a sandwich.

First time I went to New Zealand, everyone was like...

Auckland's amazing.

You've got to go to all these different places.

You know, you've got to travel a bit, get outside of Auckland and all of that.

And then I arrived and me and Rose did nine escape rooms.

Yeah.

Wow.

Nine.

Yeah.

We did a lot.

In how many days?

We did some in Wellington, though.

Yeah, we did do some in Wellington.

What we'd do is we'd go to an escape room complex that might have three different themed rooms and we'd do them all.

We actually did them all.

We'd tick them all off and we'd be like,

we don't have time to come back here tomorrow.

We're going to another escape room company.

So we've got to do all of these.

Just the two of you working as a team?

No, we'd have Paul would be in there.

Yeah, Paul would be in there.

Paul Williams.

Do you know how strange it is to know you've exhausted the entire

entire city's escape room facility?

Like there is nothing you could like we did.

We did like I never could, there was no, there were no new ones I could go to for a couple of years.

It's incredible.

I think we've done that with London a bit.

Efficient.

Yeah, I think we've done that with London.

Yeah.

We're kind of cool.

James doesn't like them.

No, I don't like them.

I feel like we did, didn't we all do one in Edinburgh once?

Yeah, and James went home early because he felt stupid.

We were bursting each other, right?

Was it two games?

It was two identical rooms, but with a grate in the middle, and there was a briefcase hanging up in the grate, and it's the first person to solve to get the briefcase.

Yeah.

Yeah, James didn't enjoy it because it made him feel stupid, so he didn't come for a drink afterwards.

That's why.

That's not why.

It didn't make me feel stupid.

You're putting the reason why.

That's the reason why you don't enjoy things is that it makes you feel stupid and then you don't like it.

That was not my.

No, I wasn't bored.

I have enjoyed escaping before.

So those things I like are if they're fun and we're all solving puzzles and having fun.

On my team were a very competitive couple

who really wanted to beat you guys bad.

And I got William Wonka level told off

if I wasn't if I was having if I was having fun and not taking the puzzles really seriously

oh my god and it was genuinely stressful because I'd be there trying to work out a puzzle and then one of them would come home to me like have you done it yet or what they're gonna be paying us

and I was like I don't know man I'm just trying to figure out what all these DVD covers mean Very different vibe in our team with Paul Williams walking around accidentally solving things.

He

walks up to us with the crypt text that he's solved.

I'd be like, Paul, how did you do that?

He's like,

I don't know.

Wasn't this the same place, guys, that the guy who introduced us, like, got assigned it, and he was like, he was talking to us, and he was like, all right, I'll be right back.

And then he came back with the fedora on.

Yeah.

We'd like, welcome to the escape room.

And he's turning like a New York exit.

It was so good.

He's a really nice man.

I'm still friends with him.

He's so lovely.

Edinburgh's the nicest boy.

Shout out.

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So we arrive at your dream dessert.

All right, dream dessert.

Wow.

So much to choose from.

Yeah.

I'm so worried about this.

Cake.

So I love cake.

Cake, cake, cake, cake.

Are you guys familiar with the Australian Women's Weekly cake book?

Nope.

No, I thought you were about to ask us, are we familiar with cake?

Are you familiar with the concept of cake?

This is really a kind of iconic, famous recipe book from sort of like the 80s or 90s.

And it was made by Australian Women's Weekly, which is like sort of like a, sort of like a women's magazine from that time.

And it was these cakes basically for children.

And it was like every mother in the 90s sort of had it.

And you would get a cake from that cook, that recipe book.

So it'd be like stuff like a pool cake.

So you'd make a fake little swimming pool with jelly, blue jelly in the middle, and you'd put little gummy beers and like, you know, make a little scene.

Or there was a really iconic train cake where all of the carriages would be holding different like sweets and you'd make it out of cake um dolly varden cake have you ever heard of a dolly varden cake that's like a cake where you put a doll in the middle and the cake is the dress yeah yeah so my nan made me a dolly varden cake when i was about i think five so i would have one of each of the cakes cake trolley cake trolley trolley of all of the cakes from the australian woman week woman's weekly um how many cakes are in that a lot yeah like because they've got all all the they've got different cakes for what the numbers one to nine as well yeah so that there's there's one to nine cakes there's like it's a whole book it's a whole book so i want the train i want the dolly warden i want the numbers i want definitely want the pool um are these do they taste good as well or is it all about

yeah

who knows who knows i mean you know it's they taste good yeah yeah absolutely you can make them any flavor you want i mean they're just they're they're kind of i guess any vanilla kind of cake or a chocolate cake you're just building on it with and it's not ice it's like it's not um fondant icing, it's like you know, a proper ice butter cake, so you can really eat it.

So, yeah, I think, um, the taste doesn't, I mean, you taste with your eyes, don't you?

And you see a cake that looks like a trampoline.

Me, I go mouth as well.

And um,

I think you've started this meal and ended this meal in a similar way, purely aesthetic,

yeah,

yeah.

It's really the whole menu, I guess, smacks of somebody just wanting some yum char.

Well, it's like I just find it just difficult to because because this whole, I mean, the whole podcast, really, I mean, is it the idea of food is much, sometimes much more enticing than the actual reality of food, right?

So I...

Again, don't pull that thread.

Exactly.

Well, yeah.

I actually do.

I'm quite hungry, hungry for a yam shower.

I think that's basically it.

But I think the nostalgia element of a lot of that is what would make that cake taste good.

Definitely.

Probably I'd go for it.

If I was going for a cake base for all of these cakes, I'd probably go for like a coconut cake.

I think a coconut cake from Violet bakery is one of my favorite cakes on earth where's violet bakery it's uh in dolston i think it's where like

megan got her one of her cakes for it from her wedding megan who megan markle

yeah first name tames yeah megan yeah uh first name because do you do you want to know genuinely what i thought when you said where megan got the doll yeah

I genuinely was like,

have I missed a sequel?

Have I missed a sequel?

Where Beth Regan gets married?

Yeah.

I thought Megan the Stallion.

Yeah.

Wow.

There you go.

We all had different Megan's.

Wet ass cake.

Wet ass sandwich at Federal Deli.

Wet Ass Sandwich at Federal Deli.

Yeah, I would shout out that bakery, I think, for a good coconut cake.

Yeah, that sounds really good.

Good coconut cake.

I love coconut cake.

What are they going to do when they release the third installment of Mathrigan?

Yeah, because they're making Matugan, right?

Because they're making Matugan, but I don't even know what you're talking about.

For

Mithrigan.

For Mithrigan.

The film Megan.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, yeah, yeah.

Starring Ronnie Chang.

It is stylized as M3GAN because it's robot.

But when they get to the third one, they've screwed themselves.

They should have saved that for the third one.

That's a retro.

Yeah, yeah.

Like Too Fast, Too Furious.

Menaingen.

Yeah, Meningen.

Starring Ronnie Chang.

Menaingen.

Starring Lucy in the third one.

So all of these cakes.

All of these cakes.

I think cakes are just most like cakes are just delicious.

I think it's a nice answer.

It's obviously very nostalgic.

I'm a bit disappointed there's no Whitakers in this because it's my favourite chocolate in the world.

We've got a New Zealand guest on, you know.

Well, I'm not going to say just straight up Whitakers for dessert.

I'm

going to do it.

Let your imagination soar.

You can put Whitakers on these cakes.

You haven't seen these cakes, man.

These cakes involve chocolate.

Yeah.

So, you know.

Okay.

That was good.

I wouldn't want to put Whitakers on a cake.

I just want want to eat the straight Whitakers, right?

Whitaker's in baking is pretty good, though.

But everything you need is within the Whitakers, and I don't want to melt that down and put it with other stuff.

I want to experience full, uncut, pure Whitakers.

I've heard about, well, I heard about the presentation of Whitaker's to you guys.

What was it?

Doesn't Tom bring it to you?

Tom Rosenthal brought it on stage

at the Royal Albert Hall.

But we gave it to an audience member from New Zealand.

Yeah.

From New Zealand.

Well, yeah, because they had put as the, you know, we're reading out their dream menus on stage that they'd handed in before the show.

They'd put very coincidentally, obviously we did the whole tour.

No one put this as their dream dessert.

Just put every flavour of Whitaker's.

Wow.

While we've got Tom in the wings with a big box of Whitaker's.

You've got to do it.

Got them on stage, and they were from New Zealand.

I do often pay for an extra suitcase when I come back from New Zealand and entirely fill it with things from New Zealand supermarket.

So a lot of it is Whitaker's because it's quite heavy.

What else is going in there?

Very bizarrely, like iced animal biscuits, Arnold's iced animal biscuits, lots of Tim Tams, lots of the, i think biscuit game in new zealand and australia is so much better than in this country peanut butters fix and fogs peanut butters all this stuff um pineapple lumps pineapple lumps yes nan always buys me pineapple lumps to take back she brought me macintosh toffees recently which i haven't eaten they're not that great um but uh it's mainly whitakers really chicken peet what chicken pet all these chicken feet not those orange what the orange chocolate the jaffers are what they're called what the uv yeah jaffers yeah they do i wouldn't bring jaffers back actually i don't know if they still even i think they do still make them.

But I think I do go.

When I'm leaving New Zealand, I go to the supermarket and do like the most childlike sort of supermarket spree shopping thing of all the things that won't perish.

I once brought back, I once brought back custard slice from New Zealand.

Wow, denim'c custard slice from Christchurch.

It's the most delicious custard slice ever.

So I got it flown up.

They deliver it from Christchurch in like refrigerated box.

And I got it frozen and I put it in my bag and it survived all the way back.

Wow.

Wow.

So it was, I tried, yeah, I traveled that across the world.

The only thing I tried that once was a slice of crack pie from Milk Bar.

Yeah.

Bought it in New York, got on the flight, leaving straight away, put it in the luggage hold at the top.

I was like, it's great.

I'll eat this when I get back to England.

It'll feel so nice.

Like I'm in New York and I've got a crack pie.

As soon as the seatbelt sign went off,

straight up.

Of course.

Straight down.

Yeah.

Hadn't even left American Airspace.

And those are moments where

you are saying to yourself, can't wait to bring that back.

Are you also knowing in your true self that you're going to be?

Oh, yeah, there's two thought processes going on there.

It's the two brains.

It's the

imagine what guy I could be, and this is the guy who I am.

I've got real good self-constraint, I think, with self-restraint rather than with that sort of stuff.

Well, you froze it and put it in the hold.

I think that's probably the best way to do it.

Yeah, it was pretty, yeah, it was pretty, pretty nice.

If you're stopped by customs and you're on one of those shows.

If I was going into New Zealand,

they would have fined me to do that.

Yeah, you cannot get anything into New Zealand like that.

What if you were bringing back some of the Whitakers that you'd taken the last time?

Into New Zealand.

Yeah.

They'd probably wave that for me.

Yeah, they'd wave that for sure.

They'd salute.

This was full of like moths.

They'd welcome home to the top.

Repatriated shortcut.

Yeah.

I mean, I appreciate, yes, the Whitakers is a huge element of

my country's dessert culture.

But it's not like we don't talk about Whitakers.

We talk about it all the time.

It's fine.

And it's not the same as the Whitaker's.

There's another company called Whitaker's in the UK.

Yeah, yeah, it's not the same.

Thank you for that.

But still, thank you to thank you to the person who sent us those.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, and here's how we know at the Royal Albert Hall that that guy was definitely from New Zealand.

So, A, he said he was from New Zealand, but also when he went on stage at the Royal Albert Hall to receive his chocolate in front of the whole audience, and we said, Do you want to tell a joke while you're up here?

Definitely knew he was from New Zealand because he went, No, you guys are the professionals.

That's awesome, man.

Yeah, it's representing our country.

Yeah.

Really beautifully.

That's so sweet.

Such a dad thing to say.

Read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

You would like still water just above room temperature.

Yep, that was normal.

That was normal.

You want pop numbers of mango chuckney writer?

Good layer up the sauces.

Lovely.

Sounds great.

Starter, a man making a wax figurine of a lettuce.

What the fuck?

Main course, all you can eat, yum char.

You put the man first as if the man is the order rather than the lettuce.

Yeah, well, neither of them are being eaten, so they're just as much

to be fair.

I stand by it.

Yeah,

I think you should stand by it, yeah.

Or you can eat yum cha for your main with various trolleys being pushed by daytime TV hosts.

Your Christmas dinner, you gotta.

And that man, Alexander Armstrong.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, here comes.

He's making the lettuce.

Yeah.

Wow.

He's the one doing the lettuce.

Yeah, he can do the letters.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

Christmas dinner, summer salads, glazed ham, ham, lamb, marinated fish, chopped sue and taro, roast potatoes, jelly made by yourself, side dish, potato trolley with some potatoes every ways with all the sauces, drink, spider,

so much of this, it's panic, rice.

And how is that not consistent with my brand?

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

I can't choose anything on a menu.

Yeah, this is true.

This is pure panic.

I can't believe we've not had a trademark Mattafeo head and hands month.

I did get wearing a cap.

Yeah, you can just pull the cap down.

That's the equivalent.

Fucking spider.

Can I change that?

Jesus Christ.

No, you can't change it.

It's locked in.

Spider?

Yeah.

Because you didn't want to, remember, you didn't want to be a trash bag by ordering alcohol.

You didn't want to be sick.

Yeah.

So you've got

the mice cream in a Coke.

Finish the menu.

Does a Australian Women's Weekly Children's Cake book trolley?

Book?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The whole every

cake from the book.

Yeah.

The pool.

The ladies' dress.

And what do you think?

I mean, it's mad.

I mean, look, the yumchair I'm so on board with.

Yeah.

You know, I don't think I've done the trolley thing in years and years and years.

So I think that's next on the agenda for me.

I didn't know this podcast was about being some coming on and being judged.

Oh, it's a mistake.

Well, now you said, what do you think?

You literally said, what do you think?

That's true.

What do you think?

Here's what I think.

Well, I didn't know I was in the trolley.

attack.

I didn't know I was told you're the judge, jury, and execution.

Oh, man.

I mean, I do stand by it.

It is pure panic, really, there.

But I think I disagree with the idea of choosing anything, really, for,

you know, I panic.

Yeah, I would panic in the dream restaurant.

And that is so consistent with my personality.

Yeah, I mean,

choosing seems to have been an issue.

So what you've done is you've put everything you can think of on a trolley.

Yeah.

Which is it's the first time anyone's exploited the trolley loophole so often, isn't it?

We've had dessert trolleys, yeah.

But no, this is a good day for trolley manufacturers, yeah,

uh, yeah, Big Trolley is pretty happy with that.

I'm lining the pockets of the fat cats at Big Trolley, yeah, yeah.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant and bringing so many trolleys with you.

Thank you, Rose.

Thank you, Rose.

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Rose.

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, James.

Well, there we are, James.

What a lovely way to kick off Christmas.

What a menu.

Fantastic.

Well, odd menu and fantastic menu.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm really into the Christmas food idea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Delicious.

I might make some salads this year.

Yeah.

You're going to do a New Zealand Christmas?

I think maybe a New Zealand Christmas is the way forward.

Just sounds a bit kinder on the older stomach as well, doesn't it?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

I think it makes it easier to graze throughout the day as well.

Yeah.

Some of that stuff.

I like to graze throughout the day, man.

You know that.

I know that.

Yeah.

Rose's special on and on and on is out soon.

Yes.

Go and find it.

She didn't know where.

And of course, Junior Taskmaster slash Taskmaster Junior is on Friday nights at 8 p.m.

on channel 4 or catch up on channel 4.com.

It is excellent.

Rose is the new taskmaster and Mike Wozniak is the taskmaster's assistant.

And it's a lot of fun.

Rose did not say horn dogs, so we didn't kick her out the restaurant.

No.

You can watch her special horn dog, though.

You can go and watch that.

You can.

If you want to, if you want like a horned dog yes you can go and watch that she did say wax lettuce though which is definitely going to be a secret ingredient for someone else coming up in the future yeah and if we actually get someone with it yeah amazing yeah maybe maybe it'll be the secret ingredient next week so we have another christmas special next week speaking to another fantastic guest about their dream menu yes and also their dream christmas menu but for now jingle those bells jingle those bells all the way merry christmas everyone we'll see you next week thank you guys for seeing this week bye bye

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man it's not embarrassing at all it's really cool we're on youtube with the great and good the coolest people in the world are on youtube me you logan paul who's logan paul the dad from succession at off menu podcast that's what bonito's calling us now and we're on tick tock this is embarrassing man it's not embarrassing man we're cool we're like olivia rodrigo and ed people have been asking us battering us bothering us actually they want to watch the stephen graham supercut from the stephen graham episodes they can see all of his reactions to us everything that he did or bonito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on youtube he's going to do it follow us at off menu official on tick tock at off menu podcast on youtube you can watch clips from the podcast and on youtube you can watch full video episodes people have been asking for it and you're finally getting it full video episodes so you can see every single nuance on our little faces