Ep 156: Amy Gledhill

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

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And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, cutting into the avocado.

What are you doing, James?

There's a fly on the desk, and I was just getting it, but I got the cutlery as well.

All right, okay.

I was going to do it.

It's like avocado.

I was going to do it.

It's like an avocado, and then the stone was going to be...

We ordered a dream restaurant, Ed and I.

And we invite a guest every single week, and we ask them their favourite ever starter, May Course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest.

Amy Gledhill.

Amy Gledhill, a wonderful comedian.

She's a stand-up comedian.

She's in the sketch group as well.

Absolutely brilliant.

So funny.

Can't wait to have her in the dream restaurant.

Yes, I say one of our favourite new comedians in recent years.

I mean, I don't know.

The term new is because we're so old now.

Yes.

It's quite shocking when I have to confront that.

Yes.

Amy's recently been on a hypothetical as well, hasn't she?

Yeah, she was fantastic on a hypothetical.

I love her sketch group, the delightful sausage, one of the best sketch groups going today.

Yes, I say.

And she's doing a debut Edinburgh solo show, stand-up show, isn't she, this year?

Yes, The Girl Before The Girl You Marry is the name of the show, which is a great title.

She will be doing that for the month of august at the edinburgh fringe at the monkey barrel so do go and check that out i'll be at the edinburgh fringe for a little bit as well doing the 8th

8th to the 14th at the assembly george square theatre go on to my website again we're not cool.uk for details of that and of the rest of my tour uh but i'm one of those guys who just goes up for a few nights now an old man also uh listen very excited to have amy on the podcast but as with all our guests if she picks an ingredient a secret ingredient which we deem to be disgusting, then we will kick her out of the dream restaurant.

And this week, the secret ingredient is

a horrible sausage.

Because as you just heard, Amy is in a sketch group called The Delightful Sausage.

So the secret ingredient this week is a horrible sausage.

Yes, so if she picks a sausage,

we will ask her.

You said if she picks a sausage there in the exact rhythm of the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

So if she picks a sausage,

we'll ask if it is horrible.

There you go.

We found it, guys.

My exact perfect humor.

Exactly what Ed likes.

So, yeah, but so remember, just a sausage on its own isn't.

We're not going to kick her out.

No.

We're going to ask how nice a sausage is on a scale from delightful.

What a horrible.

Yeah.

If she says horrible.

But I also think it should be if she picks like

one of those Richmond sausages or a pepperoni, she's gone.

Yeah, yeah, because we think they're horrible.

We think they're horrible.

So anything that we think is a horrible sausage, you're gone.

Yeah, but I hope she doesn't say that because she's great fun.

This is the off-menu menu of Amy Glen Hill.

Welcome, Amy, to the dream restaurant.

Oh, thank you very much.

Welcome, Amy Glen Hill, to the dream restaurant.

We expect to you for some time.

This is really exciting.

It's more dramatic than I thought it was going to be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you.

The visuals.

You weren't expecting the visuals.

Wow.

Sound effects.

Describe uh to the listener yeah the high budget the sound effects that you just said they're quite big it's um you know how in the new urbi-wan series they're not using green screen they're using actual lcd tvs basically it's that isn't it yeah yeah it's that but it's the floor it's the ceiling it's you guys it's really blown my mind can't believe it that technology is great innit Yeah, I love all that stuff.

What's in it?

I was just saying stuff I used in Mandalorian.

What?

They don't use green screen in that?

that no it's this 360 stuff in it yeah 360 stuff in the world you're in the world yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

like we're like we've got now right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no no they go in this little space don't they yeah and and it goes all around them doesn't it

and it's got it and it's got like stuff in it you've never sounded more catering and uh they do this don't it and it just looks like they're in there You think they were there.

Was it?

Yeah, in the desert and stuff.

It's amazing, Ed.

You're going to love it.

Yeah.

Because I was imagining when you say the L C D screens, like a box of just all screens, like a sort of 90s rap video.

Kind of.

Is it a bit like that?

Kind of like Matrix when he goes into Kentucky Fried Chicken World.

All the screens we've got have got the colonel on them.

I don't remember the specific bit of the Matrix where he goes into Kentucky Fried Chicken World.

Well, it's like a bit when he's like the guy that's like the colonel and there's all the screens.

Right.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not the colonel, though, is it?

They don't explicitly say it isn't.

They don't clear that up.

There's a lot of exposition in that film, so you'd think that if it wasn't the colonel, they'd go out their way to say it wasn't.

Quite appropriate for this podcast, then, if we're in Kentucky Fried Chicken World in The Matrix.

Yeah, is that what you would like if you were in The Matrix?

Let's do it.

Yeah, let's get the Colonel up on these screens.

Yeah.

There he is.

There he is.

Would that be your go-to?

No.

AFC?

No.

Of the fast foods?

Do you know what?

It'd be Greg's.

God, what a loser.

But that wouldn't have translated globally for The Matrix, I don't think.

No, sure.

They could have changed Neo's name to Greg.

Oh, yeah.

That would have been cool.

That would have been good.

That would have been pretty good.

Real name is Gregg's.

Fair enough.

So you'll go to...

Well, I wouldn't even think of Gregg's as fast food, though.

I still live in a world where Greggs is a baker's.

Pretty fast.

But I know what you mean.

Yeah.

If you were thinking, oh, I want some fast food.

Yeah.

You would choose a Gregg's over any of the...

Yeah, I would.

I would.

I think you've got more variety.

you know you've got your hot stuff you've got your cold stuff you don't often get that in a super fast food restaurant yeah they don't often do the cold stuff sometimes they do sometimes they do but it's like

that's when it's not fast enough

yeah

and sweet stuff as well yeah you've got the whole range there well what's your i mean i don't know if you've been doing spoilers is gregg's on your dream menu No, but do you know what?

You could get some of the items from Greg's.

So I was going to say, like, you know, if you look at at hot stuff, cold stuff, sweet stuff from Gregg's, have you got like a go-to for each of those categories?

Yeah.

Oh, from Gregg's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Let's play hot stuff, cold stuff, sweet stuff with Amy Gledhill.

Oh, this is great.

This is great.

I'd really say that Benito's dog is being too noisy.

Benito kept saying before we recorded, he went, Toast is going to be in here for this record, but don't worry, he'll just go to sleep.

And every time he said it, I thought, no, he's not.

Let's play hot stuff, cold stuff, sweet stuff with Amy Gledhill.

Love it.

Hot stuff, cheese and union pasty.

Yeah.

Cold stuff, a chicken baguette.

Sweet stuff, a six pack of yum yums.

Wow, that's

strong stuff, actually.

No, no, I think six pack of yum yums sounds good.

You're speaking my language.

So, yeah, it's a yum yums, but times six.

Yeah, you get them in, you get them in a pack of stuff.

Say what it is.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yeah, yeah, the last one, the last one,

yums.

That's how I ask for them.

We would ask the listeners to film themselves role-playing, ordering a six pack of yum yums at Greg's.

And you have to do it without a script, and you have to get it right, and make sure the last one is yums.

Tweet them at off menu official, please.

And make sure you tag in Amy Clairville.

Right.

Bonito's dog, Toast, is going crazy.

I mean, listen, Toast, this is not your episode.

This is Amy's episode.

Maybe Toast was to play hot stuff, cold stuff, sweet stuff.

That's what it is.

What would you go for?

I have not been to Gregg's in years, but I was very surprised when you didn't say sausage roll.

Okay.

Because I would think everyone surely would say sausage roll.

Sure.

The Gregg's sausage roll is a beautiful thing.

That might be.

I mean, I've been to Gregg's twice ever.

What?

Yeah, pretty bad, eh?

Once in Ketron.

And once when on the road, I can't even remember where I was.

I think sausage roll once I had.

Sure.

And the other one I had some sort of bake, steak bake or something.

Yeah.

Well, I say sausage, bean and cheese bake.

Oh, nice.

It's really good.

But I've eaten a lot of them, actually, a lot of the hot things cold because I used to work in a pub next to the Greggs.

Oh.

And we used to have lock-ins.

And then at five in the morning, they used to come and pick up the old stuff and bring the new stuff.

And if you come out of the pub just at the time they do it, you go, get out of that.

I go, yeah, yeah, you have a bag of that.

And you go back home and put it all in the fridge and then spend the next few days eating cold steak bakes and stuff.

And yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yeah, and yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Maybe get one of the hot things cold, put some sugar on it.

it's all three categories yeah oh my god that's the dream yeah

but like that

yeah I'd go sausage roll probably a sound like some sort of sandwich yeah I don't know I don't think their cold game is as good as their no you're absolutely right their hot game you're absolutely right Amy if you're in the matrix and you go into a room and the person behind the matrix the architect is also a mascot for a fast food chain which uh mascot for a fast food chain would you hope it would be um there's a lot to choose from here.

There's not, you know, there's obviously the Burger King.

Well, what does the Burger King look like?

I think his head is a burger and it like flaps up open.

Absolutely terrifying.

Yeah.

Although, no, for a while, there was like an actual king with a gun.

It looked like a bit of a Viva Vendetta kind of thing.

Yeah.

He had quite a long face.

Yeah, yeah, I didn't really like it.

No.

There's a whole cast of characters from McDonald's, obviously.

I think you have any of those ones.

The hand burglar or Grimace or

Wild himself.

Not to spoil my answer.

Yeah.

I'd like to have the Barcelona Cockwell from Nando's.

Are we going global?

Can we have Wendy from Wendy's?

Yeah, yeah, you can have Wendy from Wendy's.

I think she'd be the nicest one.

I think she'd be the least threatening.

All the rest have got a bit of a sinister energy so far.

They do.

They do, yeah.

I don't really notice that until

you put them all together.

Breaking them down.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd go Wendy's.

You'd go Wendy's.

I'd go Grimace.

Yeah, I think you'd want Grimace to explain to you what the matrix is.

Yeah.

And also explain to me what he is.

Yeah.

Makes no sense.

Ronald McDonald barely makes sense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But then the hamburgler, I get that.

He steals hamburgers, right?

There's a hamburger restaurant.

There he is.

It fuck is Grimace.

Yeah.

What is it?

I think I'd want the little chef.

Oh, yeah.

You didn't.

Interesting.

You didn't name the little chef because you already had it in the back of your mind that what you were going to put.

I didn't, actually.

No, no, no.

I put the little chef.

I'm not even going to say it.

It was between the little chef or that fucking Quaker who runs the Toby Carvery.

We're not surely including the Toby Carvery in sort of popular fast food restaurants.

Oh, do you know what?

Oh, is it fast?

It's not fast, is it?

But

I think it deserves to be up there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it deserves to be up there.

It's a chain.

What a chain.

chain yeah what are you a fan of the toby carvery do you know what i had too i've had too much you know when you listen to a song too much and it's ruined

i've been to too many i've been to toby carvaries all around the country but how does that come up so often because i don't i don't see a toby carvery really like when you hear a song it's on the radio the whole time i'm not listening to the radio and they go go to the toby carvery

you know where to look you seeking them out yes yeah so I went on, I was doing tour support for someone, and they

sort of said, Let's go to Toby Carvery before every single.

Do you know what I thought?

I thought for a second, why hasn't Amy named who she was on tour support with?

Normally, they name them, and then you said that.

Like, yeah, that's why you don't want

people to.

You think

they might not want that being made public.

Is it Dave Gorman?

It sounds like one of his challenges.

A Dave Gorman challenge.

Before every show, was it a big tour?

It was.

Yeah.

it was too much.

I ruined just absolutely like the first one, it was like, oh, this is quite nice.

Yeah, you know, you're getting some vegging, lovely.

By like date 26 or something, you're like, I'm going to be sick.

I'm going to be really sick.

I guess are there options at Toby Carvery if you'd like want to eat a bit of lighter before you go on or whatever?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

But it's very difficult to choose that.

I don't think I have that in my DNA to like go up to a place where you can have as much as you want yeah, and just select you know the appropriate amount.

I agree, I'm sort of the same.

Whack it on, I'll decide when I get to the table, and then

it's too late, the damage has been done, we all know what's going to happen.

Such a slow, bloated performance every single night.

Both of you, I agree.

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

You and Morgan Spurlock

said out about

for like eight years.

Spurlock's back.

Spurlocks and towel.

Yeah.

Hey, we've got a new challenge for us.

We do Toby Carvery every day.

Prove it's not good for you.

Yeah.

Well, Spurlock, you've gone too far this time.

But I've only done it for a day.

I'm going to film it.

Right.

Do you get a choice of gravy?

I don't think I've been to a Toby Carvery.

You do.

You do.

You do, yeah.

You guessed it.

What's the gravy choice?

There's like the classic Toby Gravery.

Yeah.

Gravery.

Well, there we go.

Toby Gravery.

Just the graveyard.

Or you can drink gravy.

Well, that's where you get buried after you eat everything.

To the gravery.

Thank you for specs over there.

If you fill in this card with all the stamps, within a month, you get a free plot in the Toby Gravery.

Oh, no, I would have got that plot.

Yeah, you'd have to

spurlock side by side in the grave.

She died now she lived at Atovey Carberry.

Classic gravy.

You get your classic, you get like a veg gravy.

And I think like there might even be a third one, like a particularly onion gravy, you know.

It's a good name for it as well.

Particularly onion.

Particularly onions.

Yeah.

Well, we've got to go there now.

Yeah.

When we take off menu on the road,

we have to stop at Ataby Carbury

before every show.

As is tradition.

All tours in Britain.

That's the thing that I try, like, I really try not eat too much before I go on when I'm on tour, because otherwise it is that thing of like, oh, hey guys, how's it going?

But if we take this show on the road,

we have to eat before the show.

Because we've got to tell the audience about where we've been, right?

We'll tell them where we've been, and also we'll be talking about food for two hours or whatever.

We're going to be starving.

Yeah.

And like, there's nothing worse than being on tour.

And then after the tour show, you're hungry.

And you're like, where can we go and eat?

Just the worst places in the world.

So like, you need to eat beforehand.

Yeah.

Otherwise,

that's why when I'm touring, I bring in my shows at like 9:15, 9:30.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you can just sneak into some good places.

And that's with the support.

Yeah.

Get it done.

Get it done and get them out.

I mean, the most

enviable job in the show business is Chloe Pets.

Congrats to her.

Five-minute icon.

Yeah.

She's watching the football by five past.

We always start with still a sparkling water on the pod.

Do you have a preference?

This is awful.

I don't like water, really.

I don't like the taste of it.

It doesn't have a taste.

It does have a taste.

It does.

So I'd go tap water because I don't want to spend on something that, honestly, I'm not going to drink.

Fair.

Is that terrible?

No.

So there's a few people who have been on the pod who have said the same.

Oh, yeah?

So Jordan Banjo had never drunk water until he was, I don't know, late 20s or something.

Yeah.

Just never had it.

Well, he had water, but it was always squash.

So it was just squash.

And he didn't like water because it reminded him of spits.

Yes.

And he thought he was drinking.

Yeah.

Well, I will now.

See, I love water.

So I don't understand the not liking water thing.

Really?

But I totally understand getting the tap water thing.

Yes.

You don't want to spend on it.

Do you not like any water?

Or is there like, if you had to have tap water from a particular tap or place,

is there somewhere where you prefer water?

I feel like, I hope this isn't me just being like totally northern, but I feel like the water in London, it does taste different.

Yeah, that was the road I was leading you down.

Oh, is it is it scientific facts?

No,

I've heard like people not from London, they're like, I can't, I can't drink London water.

I love it.

I've got to say, it's from a Midlands boy.

Midlands water, no, I'd never fussed by it.

Came to London, probably was a change, still wasn't fussed.

Northern water

is exquisite.

There we go.

It is better.

Manchester water.

I mean, when I go to my girlfriend's mum's house,

it is like drinking from a spring.

She lives in a spring though, doesn't she?

Yes, she's

from a family of deer.

It is noticeably different.

Okay, well, that makes sense.

That does make sense.

And it's different for like your hair and everything.

Too soft for me.

Is that what it is?

Too soft.

It's very soft northern water.

But if a shower in it, my hair goes too fluffy.

Brilliant.

A guy can look too adorable.

You know?

Toby Carfield.

If you're really thirsty.

Yeah.

Or it's a really hot day.

Yeah.

What are you reaching for to quench your thirst, if not a lovely cold water?

Well, a squash is ideal with ice cubes.

Ice cubes make all the difference, I think.

Well, I'm about to blow your mind.

Go on.

Do you know what they're made of?

What?

Come on.

Don't.

What is it?

What?

Shut up!

Oh, my God.

Will let you have, as your water course, squash, if you like.

Oh, would you?

I think we've done that before.

I often carry around, because I'm like an eight-year-old child, you know, one of them little mini squashes.

Yeah, that's me.

They're just for me.

Like a little sachet of squash.

It's like a sort of, it's almost the same size as a hand sanitiser.

Yeah.

So people think that you're just like cleansing your water with some antibacterial stuff, but you're not.

You're just adding a bit of fun.

A squashe.

A squash.

How have they not called them that?

Have they not called them squashes?

You can't call it a squash.

It's a bit clunky, I guess, to say squash.

Because it's not called squash, is it?

Squash.

Squash.

Squash.

Something does David Bennett.

Yeah, squash.

But yeah, you get a little squash.

Oh, I'll have that then.

What flavour squash do you want?

Ooh.

It feels good.

Some sort of like, I like a combo squache.

Do you know what I mean?

Like an orange and mango or like a multitude of berries.

Do you want that all in one squachee or do you want one orange squache and one mango squache?

Oh, I'd love one of each if you're offering.

Then you could eat them at the same time.

Oh, yeah.

Double them up.

Oh, wow.

This is a luxury restaurant, isn't it?

Oh, my God.

We could lay on a whole buffet of squaches if you want.

Oh, my God.

A whole selection.

Would you do that?

Don't you have a bit of the Toby Carvery style coming The Squaffe, yeah.

We'll get you a Squaffe.

We'll get you a Squafe if you want.

Guys, thank you.

This is amazing.

And you want ice cubes?

I'd love some ice cues.

With northern water.

With northern water specifically.

Up north.

I think near the coast, near the east coast is where it's like, hula la la.

I think I'd

describe water as that.

So I went to school in a place called Hornsea, which is like, it's like below Whitby.

And I don't know where people would know, but I think that's where it's at, the sweetest.

Great.

We can get the ice cream.

Yeah, we can get that.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be amazing.

Yeah, like Whitby Water.

Whitby water.

Let's do it.

I'll have a squash A squafe

with Whitby Water ice cubes.

Yeah, yeah.

Amazing.

Pop-drums or bread.

Oh, God.

Pop-doms or bread, Amy Glen Hill.

Pop rubs or bread.

Bread.

Bread, please.

Toast got scared.

We finally got Benito's dog off to sleep so he wasn't disturbing the record and then we all forgot that he was about to be woken up horrifically.

Brison shine, you mangy muck

you woke Toast up by shouting bread.

It's almost like his name as well.

He's like, oh no, double wall.

Very funny that calling him a mangy muck because he's the most adorable dog ever.

He's so adorable.

It's lovely.

I'm sorry.

Papa it onto bread.

Yeah, bread, please, if that's all right, yeah.

Yeah, that's all right, yeah.

Can I have white bread with some butter?

Thanks.

You can.

It's all right.

What sort of white bread?

Oh,

something soft.

I don't like it when it's crunchy and it hurts your gums.

So no sourdough.

No sourdough.

No.

If that's all right.

Just like a bread bap.

You know, like a soft, flowery.

Yes.

What the listener's missing out on here is Amy's hand movements, which is she's sort of tickling

the bottom of the bap almost.

Yeah.

The bread bap.

Both hands.

Both hands tickling away.

Both hands.

You know, I'd say the distance apart from each other with the hands would be as if they weren't bread baps.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is what we're seeing here.

Yeah.

And the tickled motion.

Yeah.

So you're tickling the baps.

Tickling the soft, flowery baps.

Yeah.

Not hard to hurt your gums.

Not hard to hurt your gums.

That's a soft, ideally a little bit warm if you can sure that's all right

that's amazing and then some sort of i like it when you get the butter in like little round discs yeah yeah

i love that i don't think we've talked about this on the podcast about butter shapes butter discs the discs because the discs they are better yeah They come out and usually, especially if it's like, you know, they haven't just unwrapped it and the paper's still there or anything.

It's just a disc of butter on like, you know, maybe a cold marble surface or something.

And you're like, that's going to be good.

Yeah.

How cold do you want this butter though

in the cold disc?

It's got to be, it's got to be like room temperature.

It's got to be spreadable.

But you're working on a cold butter.

But sometimes just like for whatever reason, when it's on there, it just looks like

it is soft.

It's not hard when it's on the cold marble.

But it sounds like a body.

It comes out on a slab, on a marble slab.

Yeah.

You know, it's going to be nice.

Yeah.

The disc is one of the best shapes for butter, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't like, you know, rectangles or whatever.

You know, that's that out of one of those packets where they're always hard.

Yeah.

I hate it.

Curls.

The worst is when they bring it like a curl of butter and you're like, there's so much surface area taken up and half of it's air.

Yeah.

It's not acceptable.

Yeah.

Don't like that.

Don't like the butter curls.

The disc.

Do you want to see a bit of like rock salt on top of that disc?

Oh, go on.

Yeah, that would be.

Even if it's salted butter, you need a bit.

See a bit of rock salt.

It's like, you can tell me it's salted.

Yeah.

I want to show me the evidence.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

oh this is brilliant

how are you spreading the butter on I have a lot of arguments with my wife about this we really came to blows about this

get a lot of bread yeah and then a certain amount of butter yeah and she will take the whole bit of bread and butter the whole bit of bread immediately yeah and then eat it like one bit yeah tell you what I'm doing and you already look like you're both on her side yeah yeah you're describing a normal person chunks of bread putting a little bit of butter on each chunk, and then eating it.

So, I'm getting as much butter as possible on each chunk.

And she's taking most of that butter, going, That's all my butter.

Yeah, that's all going on this bit of bread, yeah, buttering it, and then eating it like she's at home.

No, we're in a restaurant, you can have a bit of fun with it.

Take a chunk, another chunk of butter, a little bit of butter on there.

Too much butter, some might say, but who cares?

We're enjoying ourselves, we're on honeymoon.

What do you think about that, Amy?

Oh, your honeymoon sounds lovely.

That sounds

um uh yeah I'm with your wife yeah I thought you might be

you'd you'd you'd say you've got one lovely slice of bread each and a disc comes out obviously you know half of that disc is yours so you do you can make it even so then you can that's not what love's about you know

love's not about love's not about

splitting the butter sure yeah do you ask for a second disc of butter in this situation Ed?

No, you just tried.

Yeah.

It's a race to.

I mean, I can see why if I was going out with someone or married to someone, recently married to someone who spreads every morsel of bread with as much butter as they can, I might immediately get half that butter and spread it across my people.

People see this.

Because I would be like, I've got to bank this now.

You know, if it's romance, though, if it's romance and someone immediately goes, that's my butter and that's my bread.

It doesn't feel very nice.

So eager to split everything until the bloody bill comes.

She's going to be so angry about that.

She She doesn't listen to this.

No, that's true.

Genuinely true.

She doesn't listen to this podcast, doesn't it?

That's why he comes in like a brave little boy of mine, slugging a muffle.

We have our guests on the pod before who have agreed with Ed, who say they love, I can't think of specifics, but they love buttering each piece of the bread.

And to be honest, so I'm a, you know, I just butter the whole piece of bread straight away, and I like it nice and thick.

However, just because I do that doesn't mean that when people say they do your approach, I don't think that does sound better than what I do, actually.

So I think it is better.

I agree that your approach sounds nicer to eat, that every bit's got like as much butter as you can on it, and that's awesome.

But what if that?

What if it was like a roll or a nice flowery bap?

Yeah.

Are you cutting the roll in half and then buttering each half of the roll?

Or are you tearing it apart with your fingers, seeing the steam rise?

It's more tactile.

It's more romantic.

Amy, do you want to take that first?

What are you doing with a bap?

Yeah,

I guess I would open it.

I would go to Buttertown.

Yeah.

But then I would pick apart probably.

But after you've gone to Buttertown.

After I've gone to Buttertown.

Interesting.

So it's like a combined methods.

Yeah.

But what's the option other than picking it apart afterwards?

You're not cutting it piece by piece, are you, with a knife and fork?

No, I guess I'm talking about before the butter goes on.

I would be like...

I mean, you know my style.

Just breaking it apart.

I haven't said it again.

You're like, Jesus dividing up the loaves.

Yes.

But I'm just feeding me.

However,

just loafing.

Scowling at your wife.

Jesus eating it on his own.

Oh, he's got the fish out now.

How was he going to do with that?

Yeah.

He's just sitting in front of everyone going, oh, I couldn't possibly.

I'll tell you what, there's really one lot further than I thought.

Thanks for the lunchbox, little kid.

Is it a little kid who brings it up to a little kid?

In a lunchbox.

I've got loaves and fishes in here.

If you want to share these out, Jesus.

Does anyone ever, does it say in the Bible how big the loaves and fishes were?

Because if they were massive, then it's less of a miracle, isn't it?

Yeah, this kid who like

spent the whole weekend baking these massive loaves,

caught a couple of absolute stonkers

in the lake, drinks of it.

Of course, we can feed 5,000.

Can you feed anyone with these?

Two whales.

Two dolphins you caught, kid.

We call them fish in Bible times.

We haven't got a name for them yet.

Jesus has got a certain attitude.

Two dolphins, kid.

Are you kidding me, kid?

Who bought this kid here?

Are you mom and dad here?

This fucking kid.

Have one.

Have one made this fucking kit?

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are in this economy next time check lift

Your dream starter.

Yeah, now is this from a specific place or is it like a general dish that you love this

particular dish wherever you find

well what I thought about when prepping for this was with a starter sometimes you can eat too much and spoil your meat.

So I wanted something that was gonna wet the appetite and actually make me want more and i was thinking what makes me hungrier as i'm eating it and it's crisps and dip okay can i allow that in a restaurant yeah so dream your dream restaurant okay brilliant so we're going also i think crisps and dip is in restaurants is it yeah what restaurants

it depends what crisps you're talking about what dip and yeah it might be like uh like where we just had the bread course they might bring it out yeah then someplace that might have that kind of stuff that yeah they'd have like a few ready salted crisps and olives and things like that.

Whereas I want something like chili heat wave Doritos.

Something like fake.

Something like this exactly.

Something along the lines of 150 gram of chili heat wave Doritos, please.

And a sour cream dip.

I want a hot crisp with a cooling, soothing dip.

I like it.

So we're either going that or

sensations,

the Thai chili one with like a hummus, you know?

I mean,

we found a half-eaten bag of chili heat wave doritos in our flat and uh we don't know where it came from neither of us eat neither of us have eaten doritos in years it

it was next to the boiler

uh i was like are these your chili heat wave doritos no are they yours no what the hell are they doing here half of them are there surely when was the last time you had the boiler service last week but it wasn't the boiler man because this is before he came around we discovered him but before, so before that.

So I went to have a look at the Boiler because I was like, I think it's service time.

Yeah.

A lot of people, they'll do it by date.

Yes.

You just do it by vibe, right?

There's a thing that comes up that flashes up on this panel.

Yeah.

A little spanner.

And that tells you it's service time.

It's service time.

So I was like, I'm pretty sure it's service time.

I'll have a little look.

That was your catchphrase when you were a wrestler, when you were the Boilerman, right?

It's service time.

It's service time.

it should be called pat test yeah that's cool

i should be called pat

went and looked for the spanner the little flashy spanner on the screen and i was like oh so it wasn't the spanner came up and you knew it was service time you were like oh i think the spanner might have just come up i think it's service time

well actually truth is i got the letter in the post that said it's service time okay

and then i was like is it i was like is it i'm looking to see if the spanner's there a lot less impressive now so that it made me go i'm gonna look and see if the spanner's there went and looked and i was was like what the

half a buck of chili heat wave to me

god hey

hey is this your bug of chili near wave to measure doesn't seem like your usual fare

and she's like no i thought it was yours no it's not mine you said to your girlfriend it doesn't seem like your usual fare yeah yeah that's what i said where are you living victorian time hey this doesn't seem like your usual fare

during lockdown we just came up with our own way of communicating

so your question to her was, it doesn't seem like you normally eat trilliat heat wave to resource, rather than why have you had a packet of crisp and left half of them next to the boiler?

They're kind of hard, though.

That was what was what I was building up.

Yeah.

What's this?

Why don't you eat these?

Why are they so?

It's a massive pack as well.

Is it a grab bag?

Yeah, kind of that you get for like friends coming over.

I guess it was the last time the boiler was serviced, right?

What?

The boiler man came round and we put on dips for him.

No, but he might have been eating his lunch or something.

And he just left it there.

And he left it there, and then a year later.

The boiler is like out in the open in the kitchen.

It's like in the corner.

The surface under the boiler is the same countertop for everything in the kitchen.

So

you would have seen it before.

Yeah, but I just didn't notice it before.

So there's like the toaster, then the chopping boards are all next to the toaster.

And then there's a little gap where normally we might bung the blender there sometimes.

And then

there's the boiler.

And then next to the blender this time was this pack and chili heat white tomitos.

And it was like folded down.

So someone had, you know, that's quite mindful.

Yeah.

Whoever did that.

This could be a new true crime podcast, couldn't it?

Yeah.

And you said broadcast, then broadcast.

I mean, in my head, I'm just thinking: is your girlfriend having an affair with someone who's very mindful and eats chili heat with Doritos?

Yeah.

Good point.

That listen, if you're listening to this, you dip-loving motherfucker.

I'm going to feed those Doritos to you up, you ass!

It's Jesus again.

Oh, you'll be believing in Jesus when I'm done, yeah.

I mean, you motherfucker.

I hate to go down this road, but shape and flavouring.

I think the chili heat wave Dorito would be the worst crisp to have pushed up your ass.

Yep.

Oh, gosh.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

Corners and spice.

Let's see.

What would I not like up there more crisp-wise?

We can all think this.

Yeah.

I wouldn't like a chipstick.

That's perfect.

Oh, the salt and vinegar too much.

Shape-wise, it's perfect.

Shape-wise, it's perfect to go up your ass.

But the salt and the vinegar and the, you know, it's quite a rough texture.

I think almost it would, how easy it goes up your ass would be a problem.

I think consistency-wise, it would disintegrate quickly enough for it to not be an issue.

Same with the skip.

A skip's dissolved, depending on how moist your ass is, a skip is dissolving immediately on contact with any anus.

Yeah, that's not even making it in.

That's melting.

Not on your wet anus.

Not on my

absolute swamp of an anus.

It does look a bit like...

Yeah, Benito's just pointed out it does look a bit like an anus.

I skip.

So it would just think it's meeting one of its...

It would fall in love.

It would fall in love when it sees the button.

How they'd melt.

Yeah, it would.

Oh, I want to see that as like an animated short.

Yeah.

Just before it picks up.

It's almost some inanimate object singing about being in love, isn't it?

Falling in love with an anus.

A little song about it.

His heart melted.

I think Heatwave Dorito is the worst.

Amy, do you have a

crisp that you'd like to shout out for worst up there?

Worst and best?

Worsties and besties?

The only thing, similar to a sort of chilly heat wave thing, but maybe a worse ship, maybe a better ship is the flaming hot monster munch, you know, because it's the monster claw, because they're quite thick yeah it would literally grab on wouldn't it it would yeah it would grab right on

so i think that would be quite bad good do you know what one of the little cheese balls

yeah yeah do you know what you know what if i had to

if you're making me just put one of them up there yeah you know what i mean it's not going to disintegrate like escape it's still i don't know why you'd not want it to disintegrate but yeah just a little cheese bulb.

It'd be easier to load someone up with them.

Yeah.

Oh, you could load them up with them.

Yeah, yeah.

You can pop them in one after the other.

Have we covered that?

We ask that every week.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Goodbye.

Nice and spicy knickknacks would be a nightmare because

they're random, aren't they?

You never know which way they're going to go.

Sure.

Oh, that's true.

You wouldn't know what to expect every time.

But they wouldn't dissolve like a chipstick.

No, yeah.

I think

they're solid.

They'd maintain their structural integrity.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

It's sort of knobbly.

Maybe that's nice, actually.

Yeah, actually, maybe I'm thinking about the best.

I once ate a whole pack of prawn cocktail Pringles and it took all the skin off the inside of my lips.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, I know.

And do you know what?

I've done it two or three times,

which is terrible.

But thinking of that near the sensitive parts of your body,

that's going to be a nightmare.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think, you know, fool me once

in that scenario.

You know,

you've taken the skid off your lips three times.

Yeah, don't be putting it anywhere else.

So chips and dips.

Chips and dips.

Chips and dips, yes, please.

But specifically sour cream dips.

Yeah, something cooling.

I think, you know, when you're at a buffet and there's like big bowls of crisps and

I just get so hungry, I think, oh, I'll have one.

And then it's just, it's like, oh, this is brilliant.

And you don't want to stop.

And then if the main meal's coming, I think you're like prepped, ready mentally to devour,

to feast yeah

you know it is a good dip as well I'm thinking of the you know when you buy the multi-pack of this oh yeah there's some weird ones in there yeah like that's there's like a thousand island one in there they're never selling that individually so why is it in the multi-pack well it's always the fourth one that's the weird one right you got guacamole salsa sour cream and then the fourth one like a pink one that's anyone's game yeah the pink one's a thousand island right yes that's all i'm thinking of yeah or it's another sour cream one but it's got cheese in it this time oh yeah.

Nice one.

It's got cheese in it.

Yeah, like bits of grated cheese.

Yeah, it's always the fourth one.

They need to do it.

They just should just do a triple one.

Yeah.

Either do a triple one or get us a, put hummus in the fourth one or something.

And then everyone likes hummus.

You said hummus earlier.

Yeah.

It's a surely that in the dip charts is knocking around sometimes number one, I'd say, for people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why is that not the fourth one?

Although there's not many crisps, I'd say, that can handle dipping in hummus, especially if you're scooping.

Sure.

Even a a Dorito, I think if you're pushing it down into hummus and trying to scoop it out, especially if the hummus has been in the fridge, you're snapping off, you've just got a tip of Dorito left.

That's a nightmare.

How do you feel?

Explain, like, to the listener, your emotional journey when you dip a chip in and it snaps and now you're just left with the corner of a Dorito and the rest of it's in the...

in the dip.

Well, you feel like an idiot, don't you?

You feel like an absolute idiot.

You feel like the person that's run for the bus and missed it and everyone's looked out of the window and been like, you stupid, pathetic woman.

But there is a there is a way around it.

And you get two Doritos of a similar shape, similar size.

You put them next to each other, you scoop them together, you double Dorito in.

Oh, I'd not even thought of that.

Yeah, doubling it up.

Have you?

I've doubled up.

You've done it.

I've been known to double up.

Yeah.

And it just makes everything a bit more solid.

And then you can really go to town with the dips.

Yeah.

And then I guess sometimes if you're dipping, you get it on the top where you wanted it.

Yeah.

And also some might go in between the crisps as well.

Little sandwich.

Okay, well, that's our tip of the week.

Move on to your dream main course.

You've taken it slowly with this starter.

Yeah.

For a reason.

Because there's something coming up I can tell.

It's big.

And you've wanted to make some room for it.

It's really big.

Because of what we talked about earlier with the Toby Carvery, I feel like I've maybe letting myself down a path here.

But my sort of dream main is like a giant Yorkshire, like a giant Yorkshire pudding, but filled with just everything.

Tarragon mash is my favourite thing in the world.

It has to be creamy, it has to be buttery, but the tarragon is what elevates it.

you know i've never had tarragon

mashed so on board

it's the best

Do you know what I think I'm about to do, Ed?

What?

I think I'm about to take off my crown and hand it over to Amy Coletteville because

I don't think I am the mash king any longer.

Yeah.

The tarragon mash.

This is great.

You may be the true mash king.

And we're skimming over that you've put the tarragon mash in the worst thing

to ever be.

Don't listen to me, Mamie.

This is a long-running thing on the podcast.

He doesn't like Yorkshire puddings.

You don't like Yorkshire puddings.

The best thing about Yorkshire puddings is you can put other things in them.

You're saying you don't like the soggy bit of the Yorkshire.

I'm saying, in life in general, I don't like sogginess.

Food.

Soggy food's good.

Soggy Yorkshire pudding.

Dry boy.

I'm a dry boy.

You're a little dry boy.

It's very dry and crispy, isn't it?

If you're a dry boy, you can have a dry Yorkshire pudding.

They're lovely dry.

No, they're not.

Yes, they are.

They're lovely bodies.

They are.

Boring.

They're boring.

They have no taste.

They have every texture in the world going on in a Yorkshire pudding.

Yeah, thank you.

Fluffy?

Yes.

Yes.

Fluffy.

It's crispy.

It's dry.

It's soggy.

It's delicious.

It's simple.

It's complex.

You can put stuff in it.

You can put stuff on it.

Yeah.

Hot, cold if you want.

Yeah, sweet.

There's nothing

that isn't improved with a Yorkshire pudding.

That's not true.

Come on.

That's not an improvement.

Don't blink in the face of this.

This is crazy to me.

This is absolutely crazy to me.

I just find it very bland.

Every bland like this curse.

no one is on his side if i've got

a single person come on this point it's true and agree with you on this very bland they're delicious can you remember the first time you had a yorkshire pudding and what it did to your life oh do you know what i think i've just grown up with them in my blood

probably literally like cholesterol isn't it but i think

yeah always always on a sunday you'd have a yorkshire we're having with christmas dinner and everything is that a normal thing yeah i think some of them

okay i'm gonna i'm gonna make my normal point that I always make about the Yorkshire pudding.

James is going to get really angry with me.

They take up too much real estate on a plate.

That's ridiculous.

Did you hear that Emmy's putting stuff into the Yorkshire pudding, mate?

Yeah.

So, therefore.

It's taking up no real estate.

But is that then on a plate?

It's bigger than a plate.

It doesn't have to be, but it's just going to catch a bit of the sogginess.

You get it off the plate, you can still get more of those things on the plate.

No, you're wrong.

You're wrong.

Because the Yorkshire pudding has walls.

It's all the walls, establishments.

Yes.

You've got more.

You've got more.

You can pack more in.

It's a structure.

It's a building.

It's a bin.

It's a palace.

You're putting everything in and layering it up like a big bin of food.

Is that what you're saying?

Is that what you'd call a bowl?

Well, it is what I'm putting like a mash.

We haven't heard what else is in it.

If this is just a Yorkshire pudding full of mash, I'm going to be really angry.

It's not.

It's not.

There's other things in it.

There's garden peas.

Yes.

Awful.

Oh, my God.

Absolutely.

So rude.

Yes.

Then I'd go for a chicken, actually, some sort of chicken.

A whole chicken in the...

A whole chicken, yes, I'd go for a whole chicken.

Just on top.

I was talking about roast chicken here.

I'd go roast chicken, yeah, of course.

I'd go roast chicken.

Roast chicken, gravy, carrots, turnips, honey roasted, please.

Honey roasted turnips.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Yeah.

Sounds amazing.

Yeah, really good.

Broccoli, but done in the air fryer, so it's like super crispy and dry, like really dry.

You'd really like it.

Yeah, I would like that.

I'm a dry dry krispy boy dry krispy boy

and then I top it off with seaweed you know the swat you'd not see this kind of big left turn here yeah like from a like a Japanese restaurant like a 100% is it wakame I think is the like a wakame salad that's sort of almost almost like a bit jellyy yes yeah yeah kind of salad yeah wow it's roast chicken which means that this is the second thing you've got in common with Claudia Winkleman now Claudia Winkleman came on the podcast yes does not like water very anti-water and chose a roast chicken as her main what should we get into first here there's a lot of things i i would like to hear about the turnips i don't think anyone has chosen turnips yet on the podcast i think we should hear about the turnips because that feels like it fits within the meal yeah and then we need to hear about the seaweed because that feels like a crazy addition out of nowhere i'd like to know if you have had it before with all of these things yeah with those things yeah where from maybe we're starting here okay yeah i think we're starting here okay where from where where do you go that does a roast and puts seaweed on it?

There is a country pub just outside of Hull

where you can ask and it'll give you seaweed.

Okay.

And is that on the menu?

Seaweed's on the menu because it's one of them that does like all kinds of stuff.

What's it called?

What the pub?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

High check.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just outside of Cottingham and it's on a big roundabout.

And it's a

big

Toby Carbony but you know what?

It's not far off.

It is called the Toby Carpet.

That's not seaweed.

It is run by a Japanese girl.

The half moon, the half moon.

The half moon.

The half moon.

And I went there with my parents and the girl was like, do you want seaweed on it?

That must have fucking destroyed you the first time you heard that.

Like, what?

Yeah, it was a bit of a shock, but she said it so casually that it was like, oh, does everyone, I was like, yeah, okay.

Like, wasn't like, oh my God, oh, I need to try it.

I was just like, um, yeah, sure because it was like do you want it with with the greens and with the i was like yeah yeah yeah do you want seaweed on it yeah it's a taste sensation yeah i love it yeah go on then

go on then i'll have it

so see actually seaweed on mash yeah in particular is like

i love the idea of it i can imagine it but i've just never been in a situation where it's been it's been possible never been possible i've never been to the half moon would you try it at home yeah i'd do that at home for sure really On the Tarragon.

Does it go with all the Tarragon mash?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't be confident enough.

You're the mash king, man.

Yeah, but not put seaweed on it.

Just a spritz, just a little sprinkle.

Hold on, you sprinkle them?

I thought this was the jelly stuff.

Why are we talking here?

Oh,

oh, well.

Are you talking like crispy?

Nori.

You're talking about like the stuff that goes around sushi.

No, well, if you're about the stuff like if you went to like a Chinese restaurant, you got it as a starter.

That kind of seaweed.

Yeah, I guess that kind of seaweed.

That makes more sense to me.

Yeah, I guess nori would also work.

The sheets that the ratsu sheets on.

You can get sheets, yeah, yeah.

But they're sprinkling them on.

They're not sprinkling.

Oh, yeah, you're not sprinkling a sheet on.

Yeah, but

you can chop up a sheet.

Can we ring them now?

I would be against it.

I can ring them.

Yeah, I'll ring them.

Yeah, do it.

Oh, my God.

I'll ring them and we'll find out what's going on.

You say, just asking you about the seaweed that you put on the roast, and they go, are you with Amy?

Oh, my God.

Here we go.

putting them on speaker

oh my god

good evening hotlines good be hello um I just phone in to I have a quick question um with the roasts is there the option to have uh seaweed on them is that the is this the right place

sorry could you say that again it's a bit louder here no worries um with the roast dinners

is there an option to have seaweed on the roast dinners?

Is that is this the right yeah, is this the right place?

No, it's not I think it was

Sorry, there's a place there's a place nearby is this just is just outside of Cottenham, yeah?

Sorry, save up again.

Are you just outside of Cottenham?

Yeah, we are, yeah.

Okay, there's a place nearby that does roasts that have sorry my friend was trying to we're trying to book a place that she remembers that.

Could be the mill house restaurant in

oh the mill house yeah kind of the mill house oh okay thank you very much cheers thanks mate bye bye

give me the number benito

give me the number because it was not it was not right

shout out to that lady for being so patient with she was lovely wasn't she had a noisy restaurant on her hands there she was not enjoying it's not skid bay should i text my mum Text your mum.

That could have been a Moses like style prank because she just ran with it.

She just went along it.

Yeah.

The seaweed?

And the earth did a poo.

Hey, anyone say the seaweed?

I mean, it's not looking good for you because

I imagine what a thing to make up, you know, that there's a place that does seaweed on the roast.

Yeah, she'll be calling your mum.

I don't want to call my mum.

Up to you.

I don't know how much of this is staying in for the listener, but this is the most amount of research we've ever done.

Yeah.

Mid-pod.

Seaweed roast dinner cottonum is what I'm going to Google.

I feel like I'm in CTU.

Oh, I love it.

Have you texted your mum?

Yeah.

What's up to?

I really want to know this.

Shall I ring my mum?

Yeah, ring your mum.

Ring your mum.

Do I put her on speakerphone?

Only if you want, if you feel comfortable with that.

Yeah, it's up to you.

Okay.

Imagine if it's the woman in the pub again.

It's nice, nice.

Come on, I'm Mama Gladhill.

Hello.

Hiya, mum.

Hi, yeah.

Are you alright?

Yeah, yeah.

I've got a weird question.

I'm on a podcast.

I'm doing a podcast right now.

Uh-huh.

So you you're on speakerphone and with James and Ed, do you want to say hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Signal mic girl.

I warn you.

Oh, brilliant.

Okay, well, just being quick.

We're trying to find a we're trying to find the name of the restaurant we went to where we had a like a kind of a roast dinner on a big roundabout and we drove there and on the roast dinner they like sprinkle seaweed on the mash and we're trying to find that restaurant and i can't remember the name of it and i thought it was near cottingham do you remember

it was before covid but it um i drove there so it was after i passed my driving test

do you remember what it was called

Oh, just asked your dad.

Okay.

Can you remember a restaurant we went to?

Amy drove

and it was on a round table, you said.

No, it was on a roundabout.

It's on a big roundabout.

Oh, it's on a big roundabout

and the sprinkle seaweed or something on the mash.

We had a big roast dinner.

We had a big roast dinner.

It's on a big roundabout.

Just before COVID.

And was there just me...

and me and your dad and you i think maybe there was another one other person but i know I drove because I left first before you did.

So it wasn't Victoria Dock

when you drove off.

No, it wasn't.

No, it wasn't then.

It wouldn't have been Home Farm, would it?

That you would have got a Cavary from there.

Maybe.

Absolutely.

Could be Home Farm.

Near the Humber Bridge, yeah.

Could be Humber Friday.

That's on a big roundabout, isn't it?

Yeah, we did go there.

We did go there because I think

I can remember getting a pink gin because I wasn't driving.

Yeah, maybe it was that then.

All right, then.

Well, I'm just trying to work out which one it is, so we'll try that one.

Thanks, mum.

Thank you, thank you.

All right, bye then.

Bye.

Bye.

Your mum's an absolute hero.

Bless her.

Thank you for calling the Home Farm Brewer's Fair.

I'm sorry, all of our team members are busy with guests at the moment.

If you'd like to book a table, you can always book online at www.brewsfair.co.uk, where you can also find lots of information on how you can dine safely with us.

Thanks for your call, and we look forward to seeing you soon.

No option of an answer, Blind.

No.

Just free advertising.

just gave him a free advert i'll be honest it doesn't

it doesn't feel like the sort of place they're going to offer seaweed um fair absolutely it's a brewer's fair it's a brewer's fair obsessed with it

it's something we'd have to throw to the listeners which is torture here's the reason i really want to be able to solve this for you yeah please is because if we don't solve it in this episode yeah there is a right answer out there yeah there will be a lot of people who know that answer yeah and you will get every single week for the rest of your life someone tweeting tweeting you what the answer to this thing is.

When Nicola Coffin came in the episode, she couldn't remember what a Staffordshire oatcake was.

We didn't solve it within the episode.

Every day of her life.

Every day of her life.

Someone tweets her going, oh, just so you know, it's a Staffordshire oatcake.

Yeah.

Every single day.

And still, it's still part of her life, even though she's on the biggest show on Netflix.

Yeah.

So

if we don't solve this for you, we've end the episode.

Okay.

Everyone's going to be tweeting you going, it's this place.

Yeah.

And that's all your timeline's gonna be but i think that's it we're gonna

we're gonna have to move on it sounds delicious i'm gonna i'm gonna just message my brother paul and if he gets back within the episode yeah we'll know

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In the meantime, your dream side dish.

But is it a side dish situation, or is the joy of the big Yorkshire Pudding that you can put everything within the Yorkshire pudding, you don't have any room on the plate for a side dish?

Yeah, well this is what this was the one I was kind of struggling with in terms of because I've got everything on the tarragon mash.

I've got the mash, I've got the peas, I've got the ved.

Mr.

Seaweed.

You know, I've got the crispy seaweed, of course.

Anything I could think of for a side dish, you'd just put it.

Don't know if that came over the mic, but James has picked toast up.

Toast's licking the mic.

This is the most chaotic episode we've ever recorded.

I'm so sorry, Amy.

He's biting the table.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Don't worry.

He's not going to sleep now, toast it.

He's not going to sleep.

You can't say go to sleep as a dog's chewing on the side of a table.

It feels so nice to have on my lap, though.

Are you sure no side dish, by the way?

Was there anything that occurred to you that?

No, genuinely, it would have just been like bread and butter, which I've got.

I've got everything I need.

That's the sort of joy of this main.

Yeah.

You know?

It's all in one big.

It's all there.

One big horrible bucket.

One big bin.

Dream drink.

Uh, Pepsi Max Cherry.

Yeah.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, toaster.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

He was absolutely settled.

He was settled.

Oh, no, he's gone crazy.

He's biting me.

He's biting me.

Oh, no.

Oh, Jesus.

It's 100% your fault.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

No, there you go.

It's okay.

It's okay.

You're toasted.

Pepsi Max Cherry is delicious.

Big choice in this room as well.

We both love it.

We're both obsessed with it.

Oh, really?

It's my little treat if I'm driving back from a gig.

I'll get myself a little Pepsi Max Cherry.

Sit there because it's quite a big bottle as well.

Supping away.

Absolutely love it.

You love it.

I love it.

Love a Pepsi Max Cherry.

Had one yesterday.

I went to a gig to watch some wrappers.

And I was like, one big one.

Do you have a Pepsi Max Cherry cherry?

I should have one of the cool drinks.

Yeah.

Hang out with the rappers.

Everyone having gin and juice.

Say Castle's got a Pepsi Max Cherry on the go.

Delicious.

Yeah, it's the best.

Talk us through your love affair with the Pepsi Max Cherry.

Well,

not being a big fan of water.

I think Pepsi Max Cherry is the opposite of water.

It's just got so much flavour, so many chemicals, so many beautiful, pure chemicals.

I just think it's gorgeous.

It can't be improved.

You can try and have a Coca-Cola cherry.

It's not as good.

You can have anything you want with cherry and it just doesn't have the right, it's just not right.

But Pepsi Max cherry bit of ice oh god it's a perfect yeah

a cherry's never tasted like that no no real cherries don't don't do the job biting imagine if real cherries tasted like cherry and pepsi max oh my god i'd get through punnettes of the thing yeah yeah

love it just constantly throwing them in easily yeah

love it so good i remember the first time i had a pepsi max cherry i was like this can't be this can't be real yeah this can't be sugar free yeah it's sugar-free right that should be so so delicious.

Yeah, sweet.

I guess you offset it with the chemicals, right?

It is bad for you, but internally and over a number of years, I'd imagine this.

I've never heard anyone go, well, they died because they drank too much Pepsi Max cherry.

Yeah.

No.

You know?

That's not a thing.

That's a great.

I'm glad that's finally been a choice on the pod.

Have you ever tried adding booze to it?

Yeah.

Amaretta.

Does that work?

Yeah.

Yeah, cherry amere.

Look at Bakewell.

Putting the sugar back in.

It's like a Bakewell tart, yeah.

That is great.

Yeah, it's incredible.

Do Do you have a name for that cocktail?

No, let's think of one.

A Gledhill tart.

Wow.

Didn't think, didn't think, didn't think, didn't think I got to be at that.

Really didn't think about that.

Bakewell tart, Gled Hill.

As soon as I got to tart, I thought, oh no, hold on.

Tart means something else.

Hold on, James.

A Gledhill tart.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

No, I think that's perfect, actually.

A Gled Hill tart.

That was bad.

That was bad.

It's perfect.

It's perfect.

Fucking hell.

What an episode.

Come on in.

Let's make your phone your mum.

We're going to let a dog just completely run a muck, call you a tart, and send you home.

Don't forget which Chris would you shove up your own?

While you're here, ruminate over this little brain teaser.

What Chris would you like to shove up your ass?

And then we have the nerve to call you a tart afterwards.

come on james ask the question the one you like asking huh dessert oh yes sorry yeah

sorry i know the dog's distracting you we're doing a food podcast

dessert i'm excited about you you've already said you like the the something sweet from greg's yeah i know i'm i'm i'm in no danger here of someone saying you know you're not gonna do cheese and biscuits are you no no oh no no no

You like the sweet cherry Pepsi max over a water?

We're in good hands.

Yeah, I think so.

Okay, so you know the like a Rolo yoghurt?

Yes.

You know?

Just like a Rollo yogurt.

Like a Rolo yoghurt.

Imagine a Rollo yogurt, then something just like it.

They're too small.

Yeah.

You know, because not necessarily the roller bit on the bottom, but like the chocolate bit, the pure chocolate bit, and you also get it in the Cadbury's, the pots, the chocolate pots but they're too small so i want that but really big right but then i was thinking but what else do i want and i thought i could sort of make that into the base of a of a trifle my own special trifle yeah a special gled hill trifle a gled hill trifle yeah with rollo yoghurt instead

what are you replacing so the jelly's gone

the jelly's gone And also I thought the base of it could be, you know, like the best bit of a cake where it's like the icing, like the thick icing yeah or marzipan oh yeah so i'd i'd that would be the base of it then it would be so you're losing the cake the cake's gone cake's gone but we're putting marzipan so it's marzipan marzipan icing yeah it's thick though with like it's what's that like two three inches that looks like two wishes

that's eight isn't it

so that yeah like pretty to it's a good old layer yeah yeah two inches of marzipan and cake icing is that an an inch each?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, an inch each.

Then thick Rollo yogurt chocolateness.

Just the chocolate, just the chocolate chocolate.

Just the chocolate.

And then on top of that, you've got your sort of thick set custard, then your cream, and then your hundreds and thousands.

So what you've done cleverly with the trifle is you've removed all of the texture.

Well, I guess you've got sort of, you sort of go through soft, soft, soft, soft, soft, rock solid.

Instead of putting those on the side or whatever.

Yeah.

Interestingly, I think we might have finally found a pudding that might be too sweet for James.

That's interesting, so I was about to say that I'm in love with Amy.

Okay, I was wrong.

I think

it's the greatest pudding we've had on this podcast.

I would vote for Amy if she was running for prime minister.

It's very inventive.

I love that.

As soon as you said Rolo desserts are too small, I was like, finally, someone said it.

Because no one's brought that up on this podcast.

It's absolutely 100% true.

The best desserts are too small.

It infuriates me.

Yeah.

Rollo dessert, so delicious.

You have one and you're like, well, I'm obviously going to eat the whole four-pack because, like, what the hell?

I've never had one.

Whoa.

Such a dry boy.

Such a dry boy.

I love a Rolo, sure.

Dry little dessert.

Dry as hell.

You should try it, man.

Milky bar desserts.

What do you like?

The Milky Bar ones?

Yeah, they're good.

I'm into it.

I love the idea.

They're great.

They're like

American puddings, what Americans call pudding.

Right, okay.

So like sloppy.

Yeah, but like they've got some form.

They've got some wobble to them.

Yeah, they've got a bit of wobble.

Sure.

They're so good.

Yeah, there's a bit of structural integrity.

That's why I was thinking you could probably balance like custard on it.

It'd be wobbly, but you know,

I'd give it a try.

I'd give it a bloody try.

I love it.

I mean, would you consider, if I may workshop with a fellow

like maybe putting like I would maybe put in between the Rolo dessert and the custard, like wafer biscuits, like pink wafer biscuits or something in between as like a dam, but also give you some.

That's great.

That's really good.

This is incredible.

I really like the sound of this trifle.

This needs a name.

Yeah, it's hard, isn't it?

Hard to think of the name for.

I mean, obviously Rollo seems to be the star of the show here.

Yeah.

So you should probably make it to do with Rollo.

Rolo trifle, but then, you know, there's Marzipan at the bottom.

True.

Which is a big, that's a big surprise, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

and is this all in a Yorkshire pudding as well

no no it's not could be could be in like um like what you get an ice cream cone that kind of textured with a waffle thing like a waffle type thing big massive waffle cone instead of a bowl yeah yeah yeah because that's the thing there's a lot of savory things that you get in an edible bowl a tortilla bowl you know like it's like oh it's the big selling point you can eat the bowl not enough desserts are like you can eat the bowl as well yeah i know you're neither of you are but you're talking like you're stoned.

Yeah.

And then instead of the bowl,

imagine if it was just

waffle cone.

I'm like, take the jelly out of my fan.

I would love this dessert.

Yeah.

I would have the waffle bowl.

Yeah, chase the world.

There wouldn't be any wars if this was a dessert.

Then I'd get a smash.

Your main course was in an edible yogurt pudding bowl.

And now your dessert is at an edible waffle coat bowl.

I'm a smoke.

We don't need plates.

If you get rid of plates, then the saves the environment.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I love it.

I mean, roll the pan,

Mars Eiffel.

Marsepieful.

I don't know.

Rollo Marsipaifel.

Rollo Marsifyful.

Rolo Marsepaifal.

I love it, man.

I love it.

Mashed.

Both of you, mashed.

Mashed kings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The mashed kings.

Yes.

And that's our spin-off podcast.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Okay, great.

Water course.

You would like a squash.

Squash.

A squashe squa.

Squaffe.

Squafe

with whippy water ice cubes.

Pop-lums or bread.

Warm white bap with salted room temperature disc of butter, starter, crisp and dip, the Doritos, and the what was it again the um sour cream chili heat with Doritos and sour cream

sour cream main course giant Yorkshire pudding filled with tarragon mash roast chicken honey roast turnips don't even get into those broccoli and seaweed sprinkled on top from an unknown restaurant that we would like this was to help us with side dish pass because it's already all in the Yorkshire pud drink Pepsi Max cherry yes dessert

self-invented trifle in a waffle bowl of marsipan icing, rollo yogurt, custard, uh, cream, and um

hundreds and thousands on the top.

I thought I said hundred grams, thousand grams here.

I was like, Yeah, yes, please.

No seaweed on the top of the trifle.

Well, we don't know, somewhere might do it.

Yeah, who knows?

Go to a certain place.

How do you feel about that, hearing it back?

It's a lot, isn't it?

It's a real lot.

During meal, though.

But yeah, go for it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

If I was on death row, that's what I'd have.

Well, no, you got a gig after that.

Yeah, yeah.

With this unnamed comedian

who, I mean, that's the main tweet you're going to be getting.

Who was the comedian who added Toby Carvery before every single meal?

Do you want to give the listeners a clue at least?

Are they a TV regular, Amy?

No, they're well known.

They're well known.

They're well known.

I don't know.

You already know.

I know.

Amy, thank you very much for coming on the Off Menu podcast.

Thank you, Amy.

Thank you.

There we are.

What an episode.

I had so much fun.

We don't often get to phone people's parents during the podcast.

That was a lot of fun.

Maybe we should from now on.

We should make it a feature.

I enjoyed it a lot.

Yes.

And Amy didn't say horrible sausage.

She didn't say horrible sausage.

Thank you, Amy Gladhill.

Do go and see Amy's fringe show, The Girl Before the Girl You Marry, at the Monkey Barrel for the entirety of the Edinburgh fringe.

It will be a fantastic guaranteed.

You've got a guarantee there.

Nailed on guarantee.

I'm doing the fringe as well.

Edgamen.co.uk for details of that and the rest of my tour for the rest of the year.

Thank you.

Yes, I will not be doing the fringe.

I'll be in Disney World.

Ever again.

Going to Disney World.

The Disney Fringe.

James is doing the Disney fringe.

He'll be doing his solo show,

Heckler's Welcome at the Star Wars bit.

What are you doing?

Vice of the Resistance featuring James Agusta Heckler's Welcome.

He'll be doing it in his little Yoda outfit, Neil and his shoes.

Speaking like Yoda for the whole thing.

Yeah.

If you heckle me, you have to heckle like Yoda also.

Well, the show, actually, do look up the show properly because it's called Heckler's Welcome, they are.

Yeah,

that's the full title.

And then that as well in the title.

Welcome, Heckler's, I do.

Bit of fun.

It's a bit of fun.

It's always a bit of fun.

We always like a bit of fun at the end, just really kicking that little hair down a bit.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again next week or another time.

Cowabanga!

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.