Ep 154: Esther Manito

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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I have.

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We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

Taking the bulb of humor, removing a clove of good times, peeling that clove, putting it in the garlic crusher of conversation, and then frying all that up.

And

that's the podcast putting in a recipe like garlic.

Hello, James.

Just like garlic.

Hello, Ed.

Ed Gamble there, James A.

Caster.

This is the Off Menu podcast.

We own a dream restaurant and we invite a guest in every week to tell us their favourite ever start at main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is...

Esther Manito.

Esther Menito, a wonderful comedian who I've worked with on a number of occasions.

She's very, very funny.

Very, very funny.

An honour to have her on the pod.

She's going to Edinburgh Festival soon.

She is.

She's doing a show at the Edinburgh Festival, and we're very excited to see that.

And we're also very excited to hear her dream menu, James.

Yes, I am excited, Ed.

But listen, just like with any guest we have on the podcast, if Esther says the secret ingredient, an ingredient unbeknownst to her, that we decide is gross, then we will kick her out of the dream restaurant.

We're both mildly distracted there.

You might have been able to hear in our voice because the great Benito has his dog here and

toast was being naughty.

Yes.

So Benito had to pick up toast and pop him on his lap.

Toast isn't often allowed in the studio, but he's been picked up now.

He's on the lap and he's acting quite calm, actually.

He's quite a calm, calm little dog.

But will he keep acting calm when we mention what the secret ingredient is?

Because I'm sure it's not for dogs.

It's instant coffee.

Instant coffee.

Instant coffee.

I don't think I describe myself as a coffee snob, James.

Only to the extent that I don't really like instant coffee.

No, I think once you stop drinking instant coffee,

going back to it, that's when you realise this is bad stuff.

It's bad stuff.

In a pinch, I'll drink instant coffee.

If I'm really tired and I need a boost and that's all that's there,

I'll double drop an instant coffee.

Two spoons straight in.

If it's just for, you know, just for the effect,

sure, who cares?

Yeah.

But if you want to enjoy a mug of coffee,

you do not want an instant coffee.

Oh, Benito's the one being a coffee.

That wasn't Toast making that noise.

That was Benito.

Dropped his pen.

Dropped his Penito.

Benito dropped his Ponito, and we'll hear from Esther Menito very shortly.

And if she says instant coffee, she's out on her ear.

Yeah, she will be out on her ear, which will be a shame.

It will be a shame.

I'm looking forward to talking to Esther.

And instant coffee was suggested by Luke Fuller on Twitter.

Ah, full of coffee.

Is he full of coffee?

He must be full of coffee, but not instant.

Not instant, but he is

Luke's full of coffee.

He's full of coffee.

Thank you, Luke.

Also, before we hear from Esther, I should remind you that I am on tour doing my show Electric from September.

I'm doing more tour dates of that, so going all over the place, including Hampshire, Apollo, including Dublin and Belfast as well.

Oh, lovely.

So, without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Esther Monitor.

Welcome, Esther, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome, Esther Benito, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Oh, surprise me.

First things first, may we call you the Great Monito?

Um, yes.

Yep.

I like the fact that that sounds like you've discussed that before.

Well, as soon as I came in, James went, I'm going to call Esther the Great Monito.

He was so excited about it.

Well, we've got the Great Bonito here, so you would be the Great Monito for the podcast.

Yeah, I would say.

And sometimes you might slip into going, Monito, or whatever, but that's just because we say Bonito like that.

So don't see it as like...

We've not decided we're going to bully you by going, Monito.

You remember that song, that Justin Bieber song?

Des Pasito.

So the amount of times I got welcomed on stage with people going, Esta Monito.

I can't believe we've.

I mean, Bonito looks devastated now because now he knows for the next two years it's going to be great Bonito.

Great Monito.

Do you like food?

Are you a foodie?

I am.

Does anyone say no though, to that?

People often

see it as fuel.

Shirk the label of foodie.

Like if we ask them if they're a foodie, they go, well, I like food, but I'm not like a foodie, because I think foodie has connotations of being

no stuff.

Yeah, like a food.

I love the fact that I can only see one of your eyes.

This looks to me like you're wearing an eye patch.

I've got the other one closed.

Ed could pull off an eye patch, I think.

He did.

Yes.

Yeah.

I think you could pull it off.

In what sense?

I think it would still look cool.

I think people would be like, yeah, that's cool.

It's got an eye patch on.

Yeah, it's got an eye patch on that.

Do you go next show wearing an eye patch and never referencing?

Yeah, I might do, actually.

Just be like, this is me now.

Yeah.

This is me now, and I'll never tell you what happened.

Do the show and see.

I mean, my audience would mention it immediately.

Yeah, yeah.

First.

Just chant it.

Straight away.

Every patch.

Why are you wearing an eye patch, mate?

I was going to get away with it.

I've been in Ed's audience, and it's kind of contagious.

You feel yourself turning into a beast.

Do you?

It's just filled with animals.

I want to know about your audience.

They're actually very lovely.

They're all from James's audience, on the other hand, are genuine beasts.

Yeah, yeah, I hate them.

They know it, they know it.

They love you very much.

They're very aggressively loyal to James A.

Castle.

Oh, that's his online audience, yeah.

Oh, okay.

His actual live audience, hot morons.

Yeah.

Do you know who?

They're basically really my live audience are the people that the online audience are trying to protect me from.

Just lots of women just throwing, I don't know, insults at me.

I get loads of women who come and watch my show because I talk about like marital life and kids and stuff, but they drag a man with them.

So, 50% of my audience are men who have been forced against their will and they're just staring at me.

So, now I have had to write a whole chunk about that just to know, just so they know I'm aware of it.

I know you don't want to be here, but you're here now.

So, all right, let's just crack on some of that.

I do get that, but worse in that it's not just one man who's been dragged with it's normally both parents so oh because okay so two-thirds of my audience don't want to be there

yeah yeah i'd take my parents to see you yeah i wouldn't take my parents to see me no but i'd take them to see you or james but not me i've got a very upsetting bit in my new show which upsets all the parents yes and the children it's very rude yeah oh are you all the children

oh okay yeah violently i get away with it i just you know wink but it's under the eye patch a lot of the time so

the pirate costume is to try and distract.

You're just going down a jolly deck.

Don't listen to me.

Look at the hook.

Foodie's quite a modern term, isn't it?

Yeah, I think it's a good idea.

I think what people say now, they're like, hmm, such a foodie.

It annoys me, actually.

Does it?

Yeah, you consider yourself a foodie.

Did I just say that?

Yeah, you do.

We've got it.

We've got it on tape.

We've got evidence.

I don't remember a lot of the stuff I've said.

Fine.

So I've annoyed myself that I've said it.

Yeah.

Yes.

No, because you like food, you like cooking, but foodie now has come like this kind of snobbery with food.

Like, oh, I understand food a bit more than you.

Yeah, that's, I'm not.

And that's a load of, oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But he does understand food more, is he?

Because we do this pod together.

Everyone's always asking me, like, you know, I might get texts from friends or, you know, other comics being like, hey, where's good to eat?

Going out tonight, looking for a Mexican place.

Where's good to eat?

And I'm just like, ask Ed.

Mexican.

Here's Ed's phone number.

I wouldn't know.

And you should ask Ed because he will know.

Yeah.

I do actually regularly get texts from people going james said to ask you yeah oh you see i yeah when people talk about restaurants as if you know them and they're like oh i went to so-and-so and i'm like i don't know what that means i never go out do you go out yeah i go out all right we ain't got kids oh of course yeah we do what we like i know that's like when james elliott was like do you not really like hang out with comics and stuff and i'm like i never go out never see anyone literally just in my house preva core just for the listeners

do you never hang out with comics

anyway sit down and

have you you got no friends no i don't we like to get very guests heads unless they're comics who are prepared to come into my house yeah

either those comics are those comics who want to cross the breach yeah let's list the comedians who've been in your house

do you not want to guess oh uh yes fatia elgori yes right great fat comes round yeah what makes me laugh though is that fattah will come round and my husband still doesn't grasp that she's practicing Muslim and he'll be like, do you want a beer?

Just making a sausage sane.

Do you want one?

And she's like, I can't believe I have to to have this conversation every time I come around the house.

Out of everyone I know who is Muslim, she is the only person who I think would have a beer just to be contrary.

Just to be and just.

Yeah, the first time he doesn't offer her a beer, she'll get angry at him.

She'll get angry at him.

But I mean, they've got a weird, flirty relationship anyway.

I just stuck out of it.

It's terrifying.

Who else has been around my house?

Lily Phillips.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's been around my house.

I love it.

I'm loving this.

Rich Wilson?

Yeah.

Yeah, Rich Wilson.

Shappy calls Sandy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

She's been on the pod.

She's been on the pod.

Friend of the pod.

I think, are they the only ones that have been around my house?

No, Josh Jones.

Josh Jones has been around, yeah.

Only the porch, though.

Jones not getting invited into the main body of the house.

What does he have to do to get over there?

No, he did come into the house.

It was mainly just waiting for a taxi.

I was like, you can wait there.

Josh Jones.

I love Josh Jones.

I think that's it.

I think that's it.

Five.

That's solid.

So it's a pretty exclusive list.

There must have been others.

What was Rich Wilson doing in there?

This is what the listeners want to hear.

He came round to pick me up.

He's been around a few times to take my husband's car.

Oh, interesting.

Oh, right.

Use my husband's car.

Or use your husband's car rather than take your husband's car.

He doesn't come around and steal your husband's car.

No, he comes around to use the car.

Your husband doesn't look out the window and go, fucking Rich Wilson's taking my car again.

Rich Wilson's doing this again.

Insane little membrane, that guy.

So that's his point.

well we always start with still or sparkling water the great menito sorry do you not start with making people list who's been around that

normally it's

what couples have been in your house

ed and i we both like you know moved house like just before the pandemic so we probably haven't got many comedians that have been in our house no that's true I can't, I mean, probably not even five.

I can't even make it up to five.

No.

Comedians don't tend to do the kind of go around each other.

Once you you have children, that's how you socialise.

You invite your friends around, you get drunk.

Yeah.

The kids go off and play.

We do a bit of that, but then I guess, yeah, no one could come around for ages.

No.

And then I've only got four friends, so it's not going to

both run to five.

I think that's a really good number.

You don't need more people.

I'm very suspicious.

You know, when you like go on people's stag or hen parties and there's like 48 people, and I'm like, you,

these aren't, this isn't real.

No, I didn't even have that.

You don't want these people here.

No.

Hell, hell on her.

Sorry.

Ed Nish, Joel Dommit, Rose Johnson, Dan Cook.

That That might be it.

Oh, there you go.

Joel Dommit, just the ones.

No, because we interviewed Lou Sanders in your flat.

Oh, yeah, we did.

Just after you'd moved there,

she was there.

So Lou's been there.

Yeah.

Oh, Jess Fosterq came around to record her pod.

This is loads more.

I'm just wondering if that's a good one.

Man, it's a hype of activity, actually.

I don't think Jess has been around to mine.

Not been around to mine?

No.

James Nish.

Tom Crane.

Oh, yeah, Tom Crane's been to mine.

I just want to make people up now.

Michael McIntyre.

He came for a sleepover.

Oh, Michael's been to mine, actually?

For his pod.

God, which horses are round everywhere.

Oh, I love it.

Car still intact, though.

There you go.

I think only three have been round to mine.

Yeah.

There you go.

It's still a sparkling water.

Sparkling.

Sparkling.

Interesting.

Because now, here's what I think is going to happen now: is that we'll talk about how sparkling water is sometimes seen as a bit wankerish, and you want to go, yeah, I hate sparkling water.

And then you're going to realize you said it earlier.

Oh, God, is it wankerish?

No, I'm a bit of a sparkling water wanker.

Are you?

Like I won't just buy sparkling water.

It's got to be sand pellagri.

I can't even say it.

Don't you dare pretend.

Pelling pelle.

No, no, no, no, let's say it.

Okay, let her try.

I'm not a toddler, James.

He's like, no, she can sound out the word herself.

James lives for stuff like this.

Yes.

Pellegrino.

Pellegrino.

There you go.

I think you knew how to say that one.

I feel like there's an extra syllable in there.

No, it's Pellegrino.

Pellegrino.

Yeah, that's exactly right.

That's how you pronounce it.

And waiters just stand there going, say it properly.

You thought it was Pellangrino at one point.

Pellingrino.

Pellegrino.

Pellegrino.

Pellegrino.

Pellegrino, yes.

Say it quickly three times in a row?

Nope.

But you buy that for the house?

Five comets of billion?

Do I have it in the house?

I have sparkling water in the house.

I don't think it's that, though.

I do buy it, but I don't think I've got that in the house at the moment.

I think I've got some kind of Highland sparkling water.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I know the stuff.

Why is it San Pellegrino specifically?

I just like the taste of it.

I don't know why.

It goes well when you've got your lemons in it.

When you've got your lemons.

You put your lemons in there?

In the bottle?

Or in a jug?

In a glass.

You put your lemons in.

Okay.

Because I eat quite a lot of lemon.

This is the stuff.

This is what we're talking about.

Yes.

How much lemon are you eating?

I probably eat a lemon a day.

What?

Oh, I've never met anybody who eats a lemon a day.

Also saying you eat a lemon a day.

Yeah.

I've just got visions of you like just popping in a half slice and cheese.

Yeah, I do.

I eat it like an orange.

Hang on.

I had an image of the whole.

What?

What did you say?

But James keeps looking at me like, I don't understand what she is.

What is it?

Correct.

You eat just like by the slice, like an orange?

Yeah.

Like the segments?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, you cut the segments off.

Do you bite the middle out, basically?

No, I peel it.

And then I eat it like an orange.

Hold on, so hold on.

Oh, you peel it like an orange and then eat the segments?

Yeah.

hang on no but an orange you'd peel whole right yeah but you'd but how a lemon doesn't react the same way you can't you can't peel a lemon

does it yeah does it oh i know that yeah you peel a lemon yeah

i'd like the listeners to please uh homework film yourself uh peeling a lemon with your hands like you would like you would an orange yeah so peel a lemon like an orange use the hashtag peeling in a lemon like an orange

and

let's see.

But I also don't mind a bit of skin.

Like if you get a slice of lemon in your drink in the pub, I would eat the whole thing, including the skin.

Including the skin.

Yeah, I'd just eat the whole thing.

But I wouldn't be able to eat a lemon's worth of skin.

So you wouldn't eat a lemon like an apple?

No.

But you pill it like an orange.

How long have you been eating lemon like this?

Oh, ever since I was, I don't know.

Ever since you were in the Navy in the 19th century?

Yes, it was definitely a preventative method against scurvy.

I don't know.

I just, ever since as long as I can remember.

I did get to to a point where, so now I have to use loads of enamel, like paste, and I have to have like gum shields with enamel in.

Oh, because you've got a lot of money.

And also because the salads and stuff that I make, I like really drench it in lemon as well.

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you like vinegar as well?

You like acidic tastes?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm much, but I don't have a sweet tooth.

It's like very much sour.

Yeah, my wife is the same in that she loves lemon.

I've never seen her eat.

lemon like an orange.

Oh, she will now?

Yeah, I've got a lot of fun.

Oh, it's a slippery slope, that first one.

But loves like so much vinegar and stuff.

I think I've said it on the pod before.

She goes and get chips from the chip shop.

Oh, yeah.

I stand there and just squeeze the vinegar in for about an hour and a half.

Yeah, I can get on board with that.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So do you get up in the morning and like just slice a bit off a lemon and pop it straight in?

No, so I get up in the morning and I would, because I go running in the morning, so I put the lemon in my water and then I go running.

And when I come back, I'll then down that water so it's quite lemony.

And then I make a

juice with like maybe a couple of lemons bit of ginger carrot do you take the lemon on the road when you run no no you just put the lemon in ready go out for a run so when you come back it's all lemony lemony water do you attach a rod to your back with a lemon a lemon dangling over the side of it so when you're running you're chasing the lemon lemon lemon lemon do you do that yeah no i do yeah yeah

so lemon a day that's great so you're getting through seven seven lemons a week if yeah oh i get through a lot of lemons but if you go like to the

you know, like the Turkish supermarkets and stuff, you get like you know, a lot of lemons for about eight for a eight for a pound, don't you?

That means I'll let you into a little secret.

Um, as a saints beach, you get lemons as well, yeah, but they're more expensive and they're not as easy to peel.

You don't get the cheaper at the Turkish supermarkets.

This is what we're saying.

I thought you were giving us a tip where you can buy lemons.

I thought you were like, hey, guys, yeah, you look like a couple of lads who are very vitamin C deficient.

You can get some of the Turkish supermarkets.

I don't know if you know where to buy them, but

those Turkish breads are uncovered.

I do.

Yeah, I'm a bit of a foodie, so

text it where you want to go for a meal, but text me if you're wondering where to buy a lemon.

If you want a lemon, pop-doms or bread!

Pop-doms or bread, the great Monito.

Pop-doms or bread.

What?

Pop-adoms or bread.

Oh, poppadoms.

I thought you said problems or bread.

I was like, oh,

do you interpret it however you want?

I'd have popped a dumbs.

Yeah?

Big fan?

Oh, I love a pop-adom.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How many poppadoms do you have in a day?

Do you put one in some water for when you go go for a run?

No, I don't do that.

I don't do that.

Actually, I just eat them with my curries.

Yes.

Would you ever have a poppadom outside of a curry situation?

What, just like a snack?

No, I don't think I would.

Oh, maybe those little, you know, the sensations

like coriander and lime.

You've not talked about those for a while.

No, because they were

episode early on, wasn't it?

Oh, is there?

I was trying to think of them for the whole episode.

Oh.

Because I remembered that I dipped something in sour cream and it was quite nice and I couldn't think of it for most different things.

Well see I like dipping sensations.

Those in yogurt, plain yoghurt.

And I and that's my little treat.

Well we know what your treat is and it's not that.

I'll be honest.

You are now painting a picture of quite a weird home eating life.

So when I come home from a gig or whatever um and I've got like a train journey I get a little pot of yogurt and some of those Thai sensation crisps and then pop a dumb crisp and then just dip them in the yogurt.

Just on the train.

Yeah.

Plain pot of yogurt.

Plain yogurt and crisps.

Pop a dumb crisps.

yeah i love yogurt and crisps whole lemon yeah just no i don't eat a whole lemon on a train no

why can i get some funny looks that yeah

anyone thinking you're weird just get on with your plain yogurt and poppadom crisps

I like to just balance out the alkaline and acidity.

Yeah, no, I think it's a nice idea.

I mean, just plain yogurt is basically a dip anyway, isn't it?

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

If you got onto the train with your bag of poppadom crisps and your yogurt.

I would feel embarrassed eating that in front of people.

Yeah.

So I do.

You do it under a blanket.

Yeah, like yeah.

I get like a huge blanket and just like throw it over the seat in front of me and then just create like a little tent.

Yeah, like the French do when they eat that little bird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, because so God can't see their shame or whatever.

Yeah, there's a French dish.

Is it Autolan?

Autolan

from the scene that's in succession.

And they eat this tiny little like songbird thing and they eat it, including the beak and stuff.

But traditionally you have to do it under a blanket so God can't see how disgusting you are.

Do you do that with the yoghurt?

Do that with a yogurt?

Yeah, that's what I do.

Well if you if you got onto the train and realised because you were in a rush when you got out of your gig and you'd accidentally bought an apricot yoghurt, are you still dipping it?

No, I don't eat sweet yogurt.

No?

No, I never eat sweet yogurt.

Wow, that's really

fucking attitude about

sweet stuff.

James is worried now because you clearly have an attitude about sweet stuff.

So are you are you a very are you got a real sweet tooth?

Yes, I haven't.

but then you know it'd be a boring world James what if we didn't eat desserts yeah

yeah agree I think the red flag for me with uh sweet tooth was when Esther said she eats a lemon a day yeah has no enamel on her teeth or whatever was

gums up to her eyeballs is that is the enamel thing is that dir directly down to the amount of acidity you eat yeah I remember when I was like a kid and they said you've got to stop eating so much fruit like citrus fruit no kid has ever been told to stop eating fruit that's that's mad it's like like you're a spider monkey or something

i do eat a lot of fruit yeah but it was mainly the lemons mainly the lemons yeah oh that's so funny yeah as a kid telling you

please please esther has to stop it her her teeth are like pieces of chalk

i love it i love it um so we're going poppa doms do you want a little plain yogurt on the side yeah we can bring the sensations yeah okay with the yogurt if you like.

Yeah, I'll have a bit of lime pickle.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And a bit of yogurt, if that's all right.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't mind a bit of...

Oh, do you know what some of those restaurants, the Indian restaurants do?

It's like that sweet coconut.

There you go.

In business.

That like coconut powdery stuff.

Have you ever had that?

It's like sweet coconut powder.

Just desiccated coconut.

Yeah.

Yeah, you want a bit of that?

Yeah, I'll have a bit of that as well.

I'll tell you what we'll do for you.

We'll bring you

plain yogurt and lime pickle, but we're going to put it in like a crunch corner pot.

Yep.

No.

No.

Then I will throw it on the floor.

Fair enough.

But do you want the full poppadongs that you get in an Indian restaurant or do you want the sensations, poppadons?

Full poppadons that you get in an Indian restaurant.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you want a massive pot of yogurt to dip them in?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just like a barrel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, barrel.

No, I do.

I do break up the poppadong to dip it in.

I don't just.

But if you if you've got the mini one digestion into a pot of yogurt, I thought that's the sensation you enjoy.

So why don't you a big one like a frisbee size and you can dip that into a big barrel of yogurt?

Yes.

That's what, yeah, that's how I behave in restaurants.

Yeah, that's just what I do.

I've been out in so long, I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm just like shoveling food.

Follow-up question.

If you got on a train and you saw someone sitting there and they were dipping sensations into a pot of yogurt and they had a lemon next to them and it was a man, would you leave your husband?

Yes.

Yes.

Instantly.

Yeah.

Instantly.

I would know it was true love.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

You've even approached them.

Call your husband and tell him that.

We would have the gummiest snog ever on our wedding day.

I'm leaving you.

I've found a yogurt and lemon man.

I'm leaving you and your husband.

I'm coming to find you.

Fritz Wilson's stuck in the car.

Your motherfucker.

Let's get into your menu proper.

Starter, your dream starter.

My dream starter is like a mesa or like in England everyone calls it mesa.

I don't know, but in Lebanon we call it mesa.

So you've got all your dips and your breads.

And I would have a selection of dips I would have baboanous so the aubergine dip I would have some tabbouleh

and I would have some hummus but with the shawalma meat cut up in it with bread this is so good I absolutely love this stuff yeah the hummus with the the like the lamb in the middle like yeah oh my god yeah yeah yeah that's good stuff call it hummus billahme in arabic and it's it's my favorite it's my absolute favorite i believe someone has has picked this before and it was fat.

It was Fatia.

Was it?

Picked this as a starter as well.

Oh, really?

What a snake.

First, my husband, now my starters.

Okay, all right.

Well, that's it.

Well, look, you don't need to change it.

I think it's a fantastic choice.

And she's got all the other bits around it as well.

Yeah.

What did she want?

Just the hummus?

A side dish.

She wanted it as a side dish.

That was her side dish.

She wanted six slices of Hovis toast.

That was her starter, yeah.

Six slices of Hovis toast, yeah.

It's very bread-heavy, actually, her entire menu, from what I remember.

Yeah, she did have this as a she likes eating tripe.

Yeah.

And she was seething that I don't like tripe.

And I'll be honest with you, I've never tried it, but it's never appealed.

Yeah, yeah.

She was just like, you don't like tripe.

Do you?

Yeah, I quite like tripe.

Is it a very gamey taste?

Yeah, it's sort of farm yardy, I'd say.

But also, I'd say partly I enjoy the taste, and then I'd say 50% of my enjoyment is telling people I eat tripe.

Yeah.

She loves it.

I would say that Ed doesn't become incredulous whenever people don't like tripe.

No, I know why people don't like tripe.

Yeah.

Whereas she'll...

Well, yeah, she gets incredulous about most things I do.

She's always seen it.

I'm always been bothered by her.

I just had some lovely tripe tacos, actually.

No, you did.

I did.

I believe in.

I was in San Francisco and I went to a place that does like weird cuts of meat or the more sort of like the less traditional type of meat.

Is tripe, the look of it is it kind of like quite ridgy yeah I mean there's all it's all sorts I mean tripe's a big old mix up of the guts and stuff and tubes and all that but they they did it very crispy so it was super crispy you wouldn't it didn't really even really taste like tripe and that's the only time I've had it is super crispy and I couldn't finish it right I remember my sister was vegan and we were in Lebanon and they served Sam Sam's lambs not Sam's testicles

poor old Sam

which Sam before we we continue with a story, if there was any Sam in the world who you had to eat the deep-fried testicles.

Yeah.

Who would you?

I don't know any Sam.

Sam's famous Sam.

Feyman Sam?

Fireman's Sam.

No, that feels all kind of wrong.

It is a big speaking for me

on the podcast that I would eat Feyman Sam's testicles.

Medium red.

Medium red.

But they serve lamb's testicles, and my dad told her that they were a special type of like potato.

And she ate one and she kept going, oh, it tastes really eggy what is it what is it I mean imagine falling

mental yeah

absolutely mental yeah he was an ass it's it's a cool trick I love him very much but he's an ass yeah yeah yeah this is a potato yeah it's because he was seething that she was vegan yeah he was seething about it she was vegan yeah she was vegan

yeah she was vegan at the time yeah how old was she this is about she was like she was in her teens and she was going through the whole you know this is the right thing to do and she kept lecturing him about it and i think it was his way of going get one over and I'll make her eat your lamb bullet yeah that'll sort out she can't have been a great vegan if she fell for that being a type of potato though did you put it in

a hole or did she cut into it because I say as soon as I've cut into a testicle I'm not going that's a potato potato yeah no do you know what like the way that they were cooked that's put me off eating a lamb I wouldn't eat it yeah I mean I'm not up for eating that or tripe I'll be honest with you what about heart or brain No, no.

The only thing I've ever rooted is like liver and I didn't like that.

And that's fairly traditional.

Yeah, yeah, liver's pretty

heart or brain.

Yeah, have you eaten heart or brain?

Yeah, oh, cool.

I've had some recently amazing restaurant called Mangal 2 in Dalston, a lamb heart p Day, and it's just incredible.

So good, right.

But it's like sliced really thinly and cooked really rare, and it's really nice.

No, not selling it to me, I've got to say.

I'm not hugely into meat.

Right.

I definitely do that.

I mean, if you'd said that at the top, I wouldn't have asked you if you'd eat heart or meat.

All those questions.

FYI, I'm vegan.

No,

I do eat meat, but I'm not a massive meat person.

Fair enough.

I like red meat.

I like lamb and I like beef, but I wouldn't, yeah, I'm not into like hearts.

Scrotums.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've never had a scrotum.

That's the one thing I've never seen on a menu.

You would, though.

I think if it was on the menu at a place I liked, I'd trust them with it, and I'd say, give us a scrotum.

If Esther's dad tried to trick you and going, that's a potato and you ate it and that was a bollock, you go, I love it.

So if you've gone round, because my dad's there, he can cook really good Lebanese food and he could cook you a testicle.

I'd love that.

There you go.

I'd absolutely love that.

But what about a scrotum?

Do you reckon he could do a scrotum?

Hang on.

Yeah.

What I'm

hang on.

Oh, someone doesn't know the difference.

You don't know the difference.

I birthed a man.

And I don't.

What's the...

Oh, this is great.

This couldn't have gone better.

What is the difference between a...

No, hang on.

Isn't it the testicles...

Oh, it's the scroach on the whole thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Again, don't tell her.

Let's let you go.

This is like the...

I feel like this is a tab more embarrassing than the Pellegrino.

I mean, I wouldn't normally ask you guys to do this, but

tell the audience your age

before we play.

Does this person know the difference between a a testicle that's quite...

I'm 39.

Married 17 years.

It's like the testicles are the tubes.

Oh!

No, that's.

Oh,

yes.

No, the tube is the van deference, isn't it?

Well, that's

amazing that you're throwing around

phrases like vas deference.

Vas deference is the tube.

Is that the tube?

Yeah.

I don't even know that.

The semen travels down.

Okay, yeah.

The scrotum.

This is really annoying me now.

I just want to really want to hit you both because I'm so angry.

Where do you want to hit us?

Because you're just looking at me like, oh my god.

And I'm like, I don't know.

This is brilliant.

No, because you've got the penis.

So many people have scrotum.

Yeah, got the penis.

Yeah, that's a long you just drew on the table.

You've got the two balls, which are the testicles.

Yes.

So what's the scrotum?

What else is there?

This is the question.

What else is there, indeed?

What else is there?

This is a this is

the moment of the whole podcast we've ever done.

But the two can I give some clues now?

Well, do you know what?

Maybe I'll quiz you on the female.

How many holes are there?

No.

The two balls, how are they there?

How do they stay there?

In the sack.

Yes.

But I said that.

Is that not the scrotum?

That's it.

You didn't say it was the sack.

You said

you said it's the whole thing.

The whole thing has got the scrotum.

The scrotum is essentially the package of the.

The scrotum is the sack.

The sack, yes.

Oh.

Yeah.

But I thought the whole thing, it was like a cumulative term.

No, no, no.

No, no, the whole thing isn't.

No, no, no, no.

Do you know what?

I really don't know much about anatomy.

I realise that.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

This is when James starts to try and do a quiz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but we won't do a quiz.

No, because you know when your kids get to an age and they're like,

puberty is like not far off and they're like asking questions and I was like, I don't know.

I don't know if that's normal.

I don't even know what happens.

But why are we?

Where are they to begin with?

Sure.

No, what happened?

I mean,

when it's dropping, it's like it's probably quite a

sack.

It's just a generous term.

Well, no.

They're not dropping a greater term.

No, it's not an existence.

Esther's question was, does it just go into the sack?

It's not.

There's not a big empty sack.

They say it's like empty, like a big old man, a big old hat sack.

Chicken laying an egg.

Bloop.

I'm imagining like a postal sack down there.

Listen for the bloop.

And they go, bloop.

Oh, they dropped.

Yeah, I need to read a book.

They don't plop down.

Well, see, my parents never had this chat.

We just went through it and you weren't allowed to talk about it.

Yeah, I think it was just the rest of the world.

Call me old-fashioned.

I think just let them go.

Everyone's always like, then talk about it.

And I'm like, oh, well, you know, I don't know.

You should talk about it with your kids so you don't want it.

I might just phone Ed up and put him on layout.

I'll be back in 15 minutes.

I love them still not allowed to come around to your house, even for that.

Don't want to make it number six.

Number six, Each Gamble came out to conduct a search education class.

Turned up with a chalkboard.

Yeah.

Me teaching your kids about testicles, your dad looking at it like it's a menu.

it's very confusing for your poor children.

Grandpa says they're the potatoes,

he probably would have done if we asked.

Oh, you're talking about the whole package.

We know about this.

Well, it is a package, it's all together.

I think you two have been finicky, finickety, finickety.

Yeah, okay.

Well, that's all that to say:

you want some, not mesa, but some mesa.

Your dream main course?

My dream main course would be a prawn vindaloo.

Yes, please.

And some more poppadoms, some pilar rice, and a side of onion riter.

Nice.

But I want the vindaloo made with chilies, not chili powder.

That is a pet peeve of mine.

Gone?

You know, you go to a restaurant and it's just hot, but without the taste of chilies.

Sure.

And you're like, you've just put a load of chili powder in here.

Very good.

I want the chilies.

I want because it's the taste.

Yeah.

I don't think I've ever thought about that before, really.

That must be the difference.

Yeah, when you get a curry in, it's just essentially the sauce has no like chopped onions, chopped tomatoes, just quite a pureed sauce and then loads of chili powder.

You're like, no, I want the chilies.

I want to see the chilies.

I want the taste of the chilies.

Yeah, you want that sort of fruity, that fruity essence is already getting into it without anything.

Yeah, I want praise.

Yeah,

the flavor is very important.

I'm glad you've gone prawn as well.

Like, I think the best curry I've had in the country was in Buxton

in a curry house called, I think it's Palace Something.

Oh, get down there, A-S-A-P.

They'll just be.

Indian Palace is what it's called.

It's called Palace Something.

It's

bloody.

amazing and that like that's definitely with chilies yes not chili powder like the flavor that was what was amazing about it it was so hot but like so much flavour.

It was great.

Oh, I love a vindaloo.

I don't think I've ever had a vindaloo, you know?

Oh, I love making curry.

Yeah.

And I do love, I just love really hot curry.

And I think the more chili you eat, the more you become used to it.

Like now

I can put a lot of chilies in my curry and it will taste spicy.

How does that go down with the rest of the house if you're cooking that at home?

I have to cook two separate.

Right.

Just your own personal curry and then a curry for everyone.

A curry for me and my husband and then a curry for everyone else.

So he likes it, he likes it super hot as well.

Well, he says he does, yeah, but all the sweating and crying and sobbing in the corner begs to differ, but he refuses to eat from the children's curry.

Oh, so it's like it's like a masculinity thing, it's a thing, yeah.

Yeah, he's just there going, Well, if she's not even going to learn what a scrotum is, I will eat this curry

and prove my manhood.

Yeah, and he doesn't like to make it just in case he drops the chilies and accidentally touches himself on the testicles

on the bare testes,

which are on his shoulders, yeah.

Yes,

um so you've got two you've got two curries going on what's the kids curry is it just yours but without the chilies yeah so they just get yeah they just get a curry but without without the chilies nice and easy nice and easy and they're into that yeah they do they ever go have they ever asked because if i was a kid i would be like can i try the

growing-up curry no mine no they're not even curious no no have you thought about like micro-dosing them with chilies every time you make it see if you can bring the heat level up no i've never thought of that ed you should try and do it okay i mean i'm not gonna but this is why look you'll be a great dad mum yeah so you gotta you've got to have kids because have a bit of fun do some experiments chili prep yeah it's all there you're gonna be amazing it's like parenting is wasted on actual parents yeah that's what i think but

i'm absolutely terrible we're gonna have a laugh I'm absolutely terrible.

And it's mainly chicken nuggets, but you know, the odd time that I do make a meal.

But you're a great mum.

I heard you talk about it in your stand-up, about what a great mum you are.

And also,

you've got a lot of maternal instincts.

I've not told James about this.

The first time we met, within 10 minutes, you showed me a photo of you with your pet rabbit and you put a nappy on it.

What?

Oh, I've got a new rabbit and I put her in a nappy as well.

What the?

What is going on?

No, don't.

Because also,

it wasn't shown to me.

I was like, oh, look at what I did.

How ridiculous is this?

It was like, I just love putting my rabbit in a nappy.

No, because it's so cute.

you're rappy in a nappy yeah

what are you talking about esther why have you done that because he's so cute and then i get all like broody because i'm not going to have another child and i get so broody i'm like no go i just want to put and then i put him in a nappy and just for a cute photo and then i showed ed and i didn't know ed was gonna throw it back in my face

Had you showed it to anyone else before, the rabbit and a nappy?

No, I just showed it to Ed and Sarah Pascoe.

I just learned.

Worst two people.

I'll tell you what.

Absolutely everyone in the industry knows about that photo now.

Well, it's because she was pregnant at the time and she was like, oh my God, I'm so excited to have a baby.

And I was like,

my baby.

Yeah.

It's an amazing photo as well because it's not a posed photo.

I think your husband took that photo.

No, my kids took it.

Your kids took it.

No, my husband wouldn't have to be a little bit more than that.

And you're looking through it.

It's like candid.

It's like you're looking down the camera and clearly going, don't fucking take a photo of me.

I was like, oh, my God, this is like, don't.

No, I was saying, don't tell dad because he'll be, he'll be like, like don't tell dad because he'll say no that's not all right but i'm like kids let's put the rabbit in a nappy yeah mummy's going mummy's going to breastfeed your little brother now

you got the kids involved

the kids to help you nappy the rabbit yeah

well they were well up for it oh come on if you were a kid and your mum was like let's go and put the rabbit in a nappy

you know i've never thought sure sure you'd be like yeah i'm well up for that that sounds really funny i think it was pretty funny until the rabbit started kicking around i was like this is should we be doing this No, we only took the photo.

He liked it, actually.

He snuggled down in it.

Yeah, he was pretty snuggly in the photo.

He was pretty snugly.

Did you make a little hole for his tail to pop out of?

Well, it naturally came out of the side.

What's the rabbit's name?

I really wish I hadn't shown you that picture.

My rabbit is called...

One's called Twitcher and the other one's called Lavender.

Who was the one I saw in the nappy?

That was Twitcher.

Okay, so.

I've also put lavender in a paper.

Yeah, Lavender's been put in the nappy because I loved it.

But Lavender, when I got her, she was like a tiny bunny.

And so we put her in the nappy and she's literally just like little eyes and ears going all away.

So, so I can't help but notice the use of the term we again.

So, like, obviously,

kids the second time, yeah, kids involved in Lavender putting the nappy on as well.

Yeah, I think the kids had friends around on a play date, so we all, we all got

a little bit of a girl.

Oh, great, yeah,

they were

parents as well.

They're not coming over here.

What did you do today?

I went over to my friend's mum's house.

Oh, yeah, how was that?

Yeah, we all did a nappy on a rabbit, and she was eating a lemon like an apple.

Okay.

We'll never go in there again.

We had potatoes for lunch.

Did Twitch have the nappy on for long enough to use the nappy?

Yes.

No, it was just for the photo.

Don't say it like that, like that's silly.

It was just, they wouldn't stay in it.

It's because they're house rabbits.

They just stop around.

So I just picked them up, popped them in the nappy, took a quick pick,

offy popped.

Offy popped.

Coffee popped.

I think they should start.

You know, in nappy adverts, when they use the example of pouring the blue stuff on, they should just put it.

No, do you know what, though?

You say, like, the parents, the kids would have gone home and been like, oh, and the parents go, oh, we're not going to.

When I got a rabbit, the parents started sending me like screen grabs of rabbit costumes that I could buy for the rabbits.

So we're all just as weird as each other.

We're all very broody

and not going to have more kids.

So we're all just becoming weird around animals.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What were some of the rabbit costumes?

So for Christmas, he may have been in a little hat.

Oh, hold on.

So this was followed up.

No, so my friend ordered it and so we had to take a photo of him in it.

Yes.

This is a little Christmas hat or an elf hat.

It was like, yeah, it was like a actually what was it was like a straw hat with like Christmas tinsel around it.

And then the ears pop through.

That's the only ears, but something's

the ears popping through.

And a little scarf, like

a little elf scarf.

And that's the only costume.

That's the only costume.

It's the tensile hat and the elf scarf.

And the nappy.

And the nappy and the nappy, which is merely a costume.

The elf nappy.

Can't call that a costume.

I love it.

I hope they're okay, the rabbits.

The rabbit chats just reminded me of something else I ate.

Oh, I can't eat a rabbit.

You won't enjoy this for many reasons.

Unless it's me, like, literally, violently gnawing into my rabbit because it's so cute.

Wow.

Don't you get like that, though?

Nope.

Nope.

I understand that in the sense.

You know, like when something's so cute, you just want to.

No.

Oh, I get like that bicycle is like a little bit.

I get the like, oh, something so cute that you don't necessarily know how to control it or where to invest.

I get like that all the time.

I think loads of mums do.

Like you have a baby and you're like, oh my god, I just want to smother you in oil and cook you and then eat you.

And that's it.

I just yuck you, limb from limb and just eat you.

And the dads are all like, really?

That's just really weird.

Yeah.

That's disturbing what you just said.

But anyway, I had they deep-fried rabbit like it was fried chicken.

It was delicious.

And then made a blood sausage with the rabbit's blood.

Wow.

That's...

Not happy with that?

Anything about that?

Oh, no.

The woman who said she wanted to eat her own baby's upset.

Sorry, was that over the line?

The dream side dish.

Are we going for the writer or is it a different side dish?

Yeah, so I thought my writer would be a side dish.

But if I was going to have an extra, I'd have a sagaloo, I reckon.

Yeah.

No, a sag baji.

Sagaloo's with potato, isn't it?

Yeah.

I'd have a sag barji.

So baji, do you say?

Sag barji.

Okay.

So the spinach.

Yeah.

That's what I'd have as my side.

What like is that like an onion bargee?

Or is it no sag baji is just like the spinach all cooked with onions.

Nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, we can we can do you that.

Okay, I'll have a side.

Yeah, I'll have that for my main.

That's right.

We have different people come and do different approaches to the menu in the dream restaurant.

Some people want the whole meal to go together.

Some people just want it to be their greatest hit hits, their favourites.

You want a meal that goes together, I'm sensing.

Is that your favourite?

Like, if you get a takeaway or go out to a restaurant, world cuisine-wise, you're looking for a taste.

Yeah, I'd go for an Indian.

Yeah, definitely.

It's my favourite.

And I guess

you wouldn't necessarily go for like Lebanese food.

Go out for Lebanese food or have it as a takeaway because you can

make it at home.

Yeah.

Don't often go for Lebanese.

Who's the best at cooking Lebanese food in your life?

My dad.

He's really good.

Yeah.

He's a really good chance.

What's his specialty?

Probably

kafta, which is like cooked flat meat and then it's covered with tomatoes and potatoes and it's like cooked in a lemon sauce.

Like garlicky.

Oh, lemon.

Gotta have a lemon.

Gotta have a lemon in there.

Well, I think that's why I eat so much lemon, because Lebanese food is so lemony.

Is it?

Is there anywhere brilliant, like restaurant-wise, for Lebanese food that you reckon?

That you know of to the list?

I love Lebanese food and I'd like to eat more of it.

Well, when we used to go out for Lebanese food, we always used to go to Marouche on Edgware Road.

Edgware Road's got loads of Lebanese places right yeah.

Yeah loads of Lebanese places but Marouche there was also Beirut Express.

I don't know if Beirut Express is still there but Marouche on Lebanese on Lebanese Road?

On Edgware Road is very good.

Yeah.

You can call it Lebanese Road.

Lebanese Road.

Yeah, Trinity Road.

You can.

We can't.

Yeah, we can't.

I can't walk down there and go, it's bloody Lebanese Road now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's all Lebanese and Syrian restaurants, but I think most of the people there are golfies.

Golfies?

Like Saudis, Kuwaitis.

I thought you meant like people who play golf.

Yeah, a lot of golf players.

Like foodies.

Yeah.

I'm going to go to Marouche.

I think it's great.

Yeah.

It's very famous, that restaurant, isn't it?

Yeah, if you really want to go to a really posh famous one, there's one opposite the Ritz called Fakhruddin.

Beg your pardon.

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's if you're opposite the Ritz and you look up, there's a restaurant at the top, and that's like supposed to be the poshest Lebanese.

Yeah.

I don't want posh necessarily.

It is very good.

It's been there a couple of times, but it's quite funny.

It's exciting.

It is weird, though.

Like, when we said about rabbit earlier, I thought about the last time I had rabbit was at the Wolsey, is that what it's called?

Because I was meeting up with Cindu V.

What's the Wolsey?

It's like on the side of the Ritz, innit?

Yeah, it's down, it's a bit further down, yeah.

Yeah, Cindu,

she wants to do posh dining every time.

Yeah, it's fancy.

The Wolsey's fancy.

Yeah, so I was meeting up with Cindu and she was like, well, I'll book us a place.

I was like, where are we going?

And she's like, I will not dine anywhere else but the wolves.

And we went there and

I had the rabbit there.

Yeah.

Did you?

Was it nice?

I didn't love it, actually.

It was good.

It was gamey.

But it wasn't like, yeah, I was like, oh.

Is that going to be my question about everything?

Is it gamey?

What Cindy got better?

Manically looking up terms.

Things to ask about food.

Is it gamey?

You could have asked us that question during the testicles.

The testicle scrotum debate.

Yeah, it was nice.

But it wasn't like, oh, this is the best.

You know, whatever Cindy got the souffle, and I was like,

I should have got that.

That's the move at the Woolsey, I think.

It's a good breakfast as well.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at you too with your Ponce restaurants.

No, that's it.

Sorry, has anyone been to a Toby Carvery?

I don't think I have been to a Toby Carvery, actually.

No, I've never been.

It's very gamey.

Your favourite drink.

See, now I'm expecting you to do like a cobra or a kingfisher or something like that.

Oh, no.

Now, the blank look on your face

makes it.

Is it like the testicle situation?

You don't know what those up those are.

I don't, though, they're beers.

Yeah, they're beers, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, I wouldn't have either of those.

Not a beer fan?

I'll have a bottle of corona every now and then, but not, I wouldn't have it during a meal.

Good, because you can pick any drink you want, but not.

Don't bring Corona into the situation.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on.

We're trying to

take people's mind off the world.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

Also, you only order a Corona because they put a wedge of lime in the top and you just pop it in.

Exactly.

You just bite the top off the bottle.

I have another, please.

That's why I like it.

But it's full.

Keep whacking them up.

Six coronas, please.

Sucking them like,

there's a line that becomes a...

No.

No.

No, I would have a Prosecco.

Prosecco.

Nice.

No.

No, it's good.

It's basically judging.

But that's all I drink, really.

Is it?

Yeah.

Any particular type of Prosecco?

Do you have a favourite brand of Prosecco or is it just any old game?

Just any Prosecco.

Because you can get gallons of the stuff.

It's a really nice Prosecco when it's slightly drier.

Yeah.

I'm not a big Cava fan, but

I like Prosecco.

I like champagne.

Can't afford it, though.

So that's a good one.

This is your dream meal.

Oh, all right, then.

Oh, yeah, I'll forget that.

This is how low my self-esteem is.

I'm like, even in your dream meeting.

Even in my dream, can't afford that.

Can't afford

Would you have Cava in a Cavaree?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, I wouldn't.

No.

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't.

Just to say you'd done it.

Tick that one off the bucket list.

All right, I'll have champagne then.

Any particular type of champagne?

I'll have a glass of rose moet.

I love a rose champagne.

I'm not sure I know the difference in taste.

I don't think I know the difference in taste.

It feels more fun.

But my husband bought me a bottle when I did live at the Apollo yeah and it felt just very special the fact that it was rosy yeah thanks i was like look at you i like the sound of this guy yeah that's a nice thing to do yeah he's a sweetheart he's an absolute babe my wife didn't find me anything when i was on live at the apollo no i'm a member she she phoned me the check she said should i get him something

i said yep she went what if i can't be bothered my um i had shappy with me backstage and i said to her will you come and and be with me she's like do you want your husband with you and i was like no because you'll stress me out and then she's like okay fine so she she came and she was sat in the green room and then she was like shall i go and find neil see if he's all right and then she went out and this is your story about how she ended up in your house

and then they're back together and then and then she went and found him and she comes back about literally about 45 minutes later she's like

Esther is so nervous out there.

Honestly, I'll have to go and get him a drink and calm him down.

Like, he's absolutely shitting himself.

I'm like, oh, is he?

Is he shitting himself?

I'm chill as fun back here.

That's sweet, though.

When I did Live with Apollo, it was with Jeannie Asheray.

And after we'd finished recording,

she's so good.

And this will make you love her even more.

The man who books Live at the Apollo came over to her and said, Gina, thank you so much.

It was absolutely wonderful.

You're so, so brilliant.

She went, yeah, whatever, mate.

I'll see you in two years.

Just walked out.

Legend.

Yeah, absolute legend.

Straight back on the plane to America.

I was hosting.

Yeah.

I watched yours.

Did you?

I was in the audience.

Did you?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Esther only remembers because Gina was first.

she's late before the end.

That was why when you said that you do, you've got some dirty stuff, obviously, because I've seen you at Live with Apollo and I don't remember you obviously doing that.

No, I did do my control.

It was cut out, but I did do the bit about pulling one of my wife's hairs out of my anus.

Yes, that's a good bit.

Kept trying to get that on TV.

Nope.

That's not that bad.

Yeah, but it's not graphic, graphic, for the

mainstream money.

It's a bit graphic.

It's not as bad as some of the things that people say.

Yeah, it's true.

Sure.

You've heard my set.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Disgusting.

And you put a rabbit in a nappy.

Yeah, yeah.

I will lose it.

You're just going to see me one day walking around Edinburgh, just rabbit on each breast.

Just going, this is me now.

Oh, yeah.

This is me.

This podcast will be one of the, you know, the things that we held up as like

how she used to be.

So that sounds nice.

The rose moe.

Be good with a curry as well.

I think

sparkling wine is nice with the spicy food.

Don't you find, though, it's quite hard to drink alcohol when you're eating food?

Some people have this.

I do not have this.

You know when people are like, oh, 15 beers and a curry.

And I'm like, how are you doing that?

I say on my other half.

Like, but how are you doing that?

I struggle.

You just get all full.

Yeah, I just get full with beer.

But when I'm full, I can't drink alcohol.

That's why I like day drinking, because you're not full.

Okay.

And you can have a glass and you feel a little bit lightheaded.

Because if you're eating and drinking at the same time, the booze isn't having the effects that booze on an empty stomach just get gassy yeah just get a bit gassy and get drunk i i like a i like cobras with my curries oh do you yeah i feel great makes me feel great but you like cobras without a curry yeah i cobra without a curry yeah i'm a snake charmer have you been to india no i used to live there did you yeah well you're bringing this up very late in the day yeah

I've had about five Indian courses and that was suddenly

you bring it up during the rose chat yeah how long were you in India for Just over a year I lived there for.

Oh, yeah.

It's a pretty long time.

Why were you living in India?

For my husband's job.

So I just pratted about for a year.

I just tittered about.

This pre-kids?

This was pre-kids.

Oh, yeah, pre-kids.

Yeah.

You can do stuff.

It's a lot of fun.

Loved it.

I love the food.

But that's when I realised that I really like North Indian food.

Like South Indian food is quite sweet.

It's not as spicy, a lot of coconut.

Whereas in North Indian food, it's that kind of like thick, more tomato-y, gravy type of curry.

and I got really into Indian food so I used to go and get my lunch from a place called Punjabi Daba I think but it was like Sikh food

North Indian food it's great this is this is good stuff this is good stuff

was it was it the prawn vindaloo and stuff you'd get from there I'd get prawn curry from there yeah

prawn curry well because a lot of people are vegetarian so you didn't get a lot of meat

so you had to go to like certain restaurants for meat with the the prawns that you would get from there were they did they have the shells on still no in the curry because sometimes when you get a posh prawn curry, they're like, they've been char-grilled in the shells and then put in the curry

later.

It was more like...

No, this was like a little, this wasn't a posh restaurant.

This was literally just churning out food, like street food.

But when we used to order,

we used to order food, fish from this guy, and he would just turn up and we'd be like, can we have, I don't know, 20 prawns?

And he would just turn up.

with like 20 prawns in a newspaper and just like splat down go there you go you're like right just clean those

That British paranoia of going, well, it's not come out of the packet, so it's probably going to kill me.

I know.

He used to call me and my husband the big, we used to live in an area called Mandovelli, and we were very tall compared to a lot of people.

So he used to call us the big white people of Mandovelli.

Brilliant.

Your legend still rings.

I know.

It is true.

Well, we used to ring up and he'd be like, Yes, yes, yes, it's the big white people of Mandovelli.

I was like, I am Mrs.

Big White Person

of Mandovelli.

We arrive at your dessert.

Now, listen.

Oh, don't pull that face.

This is Asther.

Everything I do just angers James.

Yeah, but this will be the one.

I hope you're going to do what I do.

Yeah, come on.

What is...

Right.

Pick whatever you like, Asther.

What I don't think is going to happen.

It's always slim people that love dessert, isn't it?

Hey, I'll say, I'm the slim white guy of Manderbelly.

It's always people that are like, I love Esther laughing at me for that.

It's always these slim people who like it, isn't it?

No, you won't.

You know what I'm about, Tubber?

I don't like where this is going.

No, I'm not going any further.

No, I'm talking about

the dessert.

I do like where this is going.

I am scared.

I am scared because I don't really know where to direct my anger in this room.

I haven't had somebody I don't think I have had people in this room

throw me for

you have yeah so you get quite angry if someone doesn't have dessert Yes, so if you went out for a meal with somebody and they didn't have dessert Would you just get up and walk out?

Well, no, I would shout at them and threaten to throw them into Trafalgar Square, which is what I did to Ed.

Yeah, that's what he said.

He ordered the cheese and biscuits.

And

yeah, so most people, I don't think there's anyone who, if they ordered cheese and biscuits in a restaurant, I wouldn't get annoyed about it instead of having dessert.

If someone just doesn't have dessert, and that's they just pass on it entirely, I'm not delighted, but it's not as bad bad as cheeseboard is the worst.

Really?

Surely passing is.

No, no, no, no.

Passing is not as bad.

Cheese board is worse because it's real.

Okay, we're going down a spiral.

It's real bad.

Pease board.

But you get the sweetness from the chutneys.

Nope.

You do not.

What are you about to say?

I was going to say cheeseboard.

The fucking hell, yes!

with

some grapes and

a bit of sweetness from the grapes.

So grapes the

grapes blue stilton

salty crackers lovely yeah really good

hate it the thing is james you don't understand flavours because you need the

you need the grapes as your sweetness and then you get the the salty stilton it's lovely no that's not true you don't understand flavours oh god What would you have then after a curry?

Oh, a fucking pudding, maybe?

Yeah, like what?

Ice cream, sorbet, cheesecake, fudge cake fudge cake what the fuck is fudge cake chocolate fudge cake

no one says fudge cake it's always chocolate fudge cake well sorry I have to specify I wouldn't have a I wouldn't yeah but you don't want after a big meal you don't want to then have a cake I agree you don't want a pudding after a curry I'd have I'd have loads of custard a big bowl of custard over cheeseboard not after a curry you wouldn't yeah I would Oh god I can't stand custard I can't stand it what I feel honest I can't stand it.

I really can't stand it.

Rice pudding as well.

These are things that I'm going to be.

It's so too hot to get your bare-naked teeth.

I don't have an ammonia.

I think a cheese board after a curry is a great choice.

I think it's a great choice.

It's not a great choice.

You do have the cold grapes to soothe the spice.

What?

He talked about your ice cream to soothe the spice.

No, normally it does.

It's different.

It's perfect to soothe the spice.

Right, James, just chill out, yeah.

Right, listen, I tell you what,

I will compromise.

No, see, this always happens.

You always bully people into...

He does.

Yeah.

He throws a little fit, doesn't he?

Yeah.

I think you should stick to your guns, Esther.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, I will, but the only compromise I'll have is, you know, in the Indian restaurant, for the dessert, you get the whole lemon with the sorbet in it.

Of course you, yeah, yeah.

Put the sorbet in the bin.

There we go.

Sorbet in the bin.

Eat the lemon.

Wouldn't madam like a spoon.

No need.

Yeah.

No.

I'm eating the whole thing.

I'm not a pac-man.

Well, I hate to get it.

for it.

Just forgetting my jaw.

I had to tell you, that's exactly how you've characterised yourself throughout this podcast, that you're a lemon pac-man.

Yeah, Pac-Man, those are the paces.

I said I peel it and I eat the slices.

Honestly.

I love a lemon sorbet.

I love that.

I love that very badly.

In a whole lemon.

I'll have a lemon sorbet.

Yeah?

Lemon sorbet is delicious.

Let it be known that I would prefer to have a cheese board, but because of the bread.

You can have both.

I'll have both then.

You can have a cheese board and then you can have a little lemon sorbet and a whole lemon.

What about those posh posh places where you go and you have the little sorbet between courses to cleanse the palate?

Do you have that?

I've never had that before.

I've never had that.

I've heard it said.

Yeah.

I've heard tail.

You've heard tail of the

intercourse sorbets.

I do genuinely feel calmer now, the lemon sorbet is in place.

Would you eat like an angel delight?

Yes.

I would do it.

That's made me angry.

I wouldn't have to.

No, I'm angry.

So you don't like custard angels or like, you don't like anything sloppy.

Ugh, what, why?

Ugh.

Why?

Because it's all just like vomit looking, innit?

What?

It just looks like custard.

Slirping custard.

See, this is really interesting as well.

And I've spoken about this on the podcast as well.

Moving on.

I'll have a trifle.

I've got custard in it.

It's literally got custard, cream.

It's literally the consistency of everything you just said.

Wow.

No, listen to me.

I've gone back on myself again.

No, listen, at Christmas,

I'll have a scoop a trifle because I like the cream, the whipped cream.

You like the whipped cream.

Well, you just want to scoop a whipped cream.

No, I'll stick with my...

No, I'll have my cheese board and then my lemon saw base.

And a spoonful of a bit of a bit of a bit of added, of course.

And a spoonful of trifle.

No, I'm not having a spoonful of trifle.

I'm just saying to prove a point because he was getting angry.

So just to let me know that...

I'm not completely.

You have a spoonful of trifle.

But that's going to reassure.

If anything, that makes me angry.

Yeah.

Great.

You don't like the custard.

You don't even like it.

You just eat the cream custard.

No, I don't like it.

Like, if my husband has like apple crumble and then he doesn't like apple crumble.

Swimming in custard.

What's the matter with you?

He's too good for you.

Yeah.

He gets you champagne and he supports you and you don't support his assign Jesus.

He's just going, putting custard on apple crumble.

What is wrong with you?

Well, he stood there holding a rabbit with a nappy on.

Yeah.

Eating a lemon.

Suck's wrong with you.

But then he does the same to me.

He's like, can we have maybe a salad that isn't just dribbling?

It's like, I can't do it, Esther.

I can't eat that much lemon.

It's killing me.

Yeah, but the thing is, he is right.

Yeah.

His face is turning inside out.

From all the lemons you've been feeding him.

That man has not had a cold in 20 years and is down to me.

He's squinting so much.

Rich Wilson going, ah, he can't see me again.

Fish in a barrel.

Wilson driving away.

Oh, I love it.

Good.

Cheese board.

Excellent.

Well, look, I'm going to leave your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Water, you would like sparkling water.

San pellegrino with lemon, poppadoms or bread, poppadoms with lime pickle, yogurt, onion, sweet powdered coconut, starter, maze,

mesa, mesa, I'm sorry.

Went for both of them.

I'm so sorry.

Maza.

Maza, starter.

Maza, baba ganoush, tabboule, hummus, and swarma with bread.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Main course.

Very hot.

Brawn vindaloo with real chilies.

Poppadoms, pillow rice, riter.

Side dish, sagbaji.

Drink, rose, moay, champagne.

Dessert, uh...

Cheese pour, visdoza, salt, curtains and grapes.

And lemon sorbet in a lemon, which you will eat as well.

You will eat the case in.

I wouldn't eat the casing because it's too cold.

Lemon Pacman.

Also, that's like an old lemon, isn't it?

Yeah,

your favourite.

Yeah, that's my favourite, an old lemon.

Yeah, that's your dream.

Thank you, Esther.

I like that menu a lot.

And then it just goes a bit mad at the end.

What did Fata have as her drink?

Coke Zero.

Oh, yeah.

That messes with my head.

Does it?

Yeah.

People that drink diet drinks, it tastes so...

Can you...

It just tastes horrible.

Well, here's a trick.

I love a full fat Coke.

I've got a tip you can do.

Oh, no, Coke Zero tastes like full fat Coke.

If you don't drink full fat Coke for five years,

or any Cokes.

Any Fizzy Drinks.

I'll just correct you on this story.

Any fizzy drinks for five years,

then drink a Diet Coke, it will taste just like full full-fat coke used to and you won't even notice that it tastes weird all right i'll do that then i'll just uh crack on with that little project and i'll be back in five years yeah sorry if you can't find time for that project in between fucking napping up rabbits and and swallow them in lemons hole what james means to say esther is thank you very much for coming on the podcast yes thank you esther

There we are.

My revelatory chat with Esther Menito there.

Yeah, to put it mildly.

Got quite heated at the end of it, James.

My adrenaline's still coming down.

Yeah, you're pumped, man.

Yeah, I'm pumped.

I see your veins.

I don't know, man.

I feel weird.

I feel, yo, sometimes it's good.

It's a bit of a victory when I get to, like, you know, get them to compromise or bully them into this.

But, like, still feels bad that cheese board's even there at all.

She's part of the cheeseboard crew now.

Yeah.

Imagine if we put lemon as a secret ingredient.

Should have.

I wish we had.

If I could go back in time, straight out of the water course.

Yeah.

She didn't say instant coffee though, which was the actual seeker ingredient.

Yeah, that would have been some bad stuff.

Yeah, it would have been some bad stuff.

Don't forget to book tickets to see Esther at the Edinburgh Festival.

Her show is called hashtag NottleMen, and she'll be performing it for the month of August at the Guild of Balloon.

Go on to edfringe.com for tickets.

Very exciting.

And if you want to come and see me, go to edgamble.co.uk.

I'm on tour from September doing my show, Electric, all over the place.

And I am doing some at the Edinburgh Festival, actually,

at the Assembly George Square Theatre, I believe it's now called the Gordon Aikman Theatre.

I'll be there from the 8th to the 14th doing shows.

Gordon Aikman, eh?

Yeah.

When you said Aik, I thought it was going to be Acaster.

I was getting excited.

It's called the James Acaster Theatre.

Yeah.

They should do that.

In memory of James Acaster never winning the award.

They should always like nearly build me a.

Yeah.

Five years later.

I'm a rogue of Aikman this time.

Come on.

Thanks very much for listening.

We'll see you again sometime soon.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single Ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.