Ep 138: Dane Baptiste

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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And if you just preheat the oven of chat and we can slide in the turkey of fun.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

Oh, Ed Gamble.

Before we started recording, you said, I've got an intro, but it's awful.

And you did not disappoint.

That was

the worst one you have ever done.

What's wrong, man?

As it came out, I was like, actually, this is way better than I thought.

The turkey of fun.

How do you imagine the turkey of fun?

What do you imagine that?

It's like a normal turkey, but it's got sunglasses on.

It's like the one Monica put on her head in Friends.

Yeah, okay, fair enough.

Yeah, happy with that?

Yeah, we'll heat that up.

Yeah, although the sunglasses being on it in the oven scares me because they'd melt, wouldn't they?

Yeah, also you kept the head on as well.

I mean, the whole thing is just a full turkey.

Oh, no, I'm imagining the sunglasses are on the body of the turkey and the turkey is prepared for the oven.

Yeah, and the oven of chat is like a normal oven, but instead of like heat and flames, it's just loads of people talking which generates the heat.

Okay, well it's actually worse now that you've explained it.

Yeah, yeah, and I thought that as I said all the people talking.

Yes.

I mean it's probably quite confusing if someone's never listened to this podcast before, James.

Can you please pull this back from the brink and explain what the hell we're doing here?

Yes, we

on the Off Menu podcast.

We welcome in a guest.

It's okay.

We can do it.

Come on.

To the dream restaurant.

and we ask them their favorite ever starter main course side dish drink and dessert and this week our guest is

dame baptiste dane baptiste the brilliant stand-up comedian uh it's a pleasure to have dane in the dream restaurant we've known him for a long time he's a brilliant comic Can't wait to hear what he thinks about food.

He did his own sitcom Sonny D.

He had a show called Bamus on BBC Free.

He's got a podcast called Dane Baptiste Questions Everything, which me and Ed have done.

But what food does he like to eat?

That's the question that we'll be asking him in this episode of the Off-Menu podcast.

But there is a secret ingredient that we don't like.

And if the guest says the secret ingredient, we kick them out of the dream restaurant.

Different ingredient every week.

This week, the secret ingredient that we will kick Dane Baptiste out for if he features it in his menu is chopped.

Peel.

Chopped peel, of course.

You find it in mince meat and mince pies now and again.

In Christmas puddings.

Sometimes in a bag of raisins, it's just knocking around in there.

Yeah.

I don't like the chopped peel.

It's too hard.

I don't like the flavour of it.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes peel is quite nice in style.

Candied peel is nice.

Candied peel is nice.

And

sometimes there's like zest is nice.

Zest.

Oh, zest is a whole other thing, though, isn't it?

It gets its own word.

Yeah.

People even describe good stuff as zesty.

No one describes it as chopped peely.

Yeah.

Oh, it's so peely.

No, thank you.

That's bad stuff, is peely.

When your skin peels, people don't go, oh, good news, your skin's peeling.

But if your skin looks zesty, people will compliment you on that.

Oh, yeah, if your skin comes off in shreds, like zest shreds, people are like, ooh,

zesty today.

So zesty.

So if Dane says zest...

Fine.

Well, I think we reward him.

If Dane says zest, what do we do?

Give him a little kiss?

I think we bring him in on the restaurant.

He gets to be one of the owners.

Okay.

Legally?

yeah, because we can we kick him out if he says peel, yeah, we bring him into the business if he says zest.

Okay, the business of zest.

Yes,

I'm okay with that, James.

That's fine.

Signed off, ratified as the co-owner of the restaurant.

I'm on board.

Let's get on with it.

Let's see if we're going to have an enemy or a business partner.

This is the off-menu menu of Dane Baptiste.

Welcome, Dane Baptiste, to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, thank you for having me.

Thanks for having me.

I'm glad I've got a reservation.

It's a hard place to get into, but the genie's puff out of his lamp took a long time there.

Welcome, Dane Baptiste to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you, Genie.

I made reservations a long time ago, so I'm happy that I finally was able to visit.

I am alone, though, unfortunately.

But, you know, it's based on that experience.

I'll bring a guest next time, but I'm just happy to be here.

What guest would you like?

Who's your dream guest?

Great question.

Straight away.

Dream dining guest.

Because this is a dream restaurant, Dane.

You don't need to commit to being alone at this restaurant.

If you want to bring a dream guest, we can magic them up for you.

No, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Just hanging up.

I'm fine.

I don't want to force anybody.

I mean, I'm not too particular about guests.

My requisites for dinner guests are just people that want to eat and good for conversation.

So, yeah.

I do like that given the option of choosing anyone hypothetically from throughout history, alive or dead, any possible guest to have dinner with, and you went with, nah, I'm all right, I'll just go alone.

Yeah, I'll go alone.

Do you dine alone a lot, Dane?

Yeah, I mean, I find myself dining a lot on the road, especially.

I saw live alone, so a lot of the time I'll order stuff in and try and get like actually quite nice meals from like the livery room and such.

But yeah, a lot of the time meals for one.

Sometimes I actually find eating alone quite a nice experience as well, sometimes.

Great opportunity to people watch as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like more natural habits that than people eating and grazing.

So yeah, it's a nice experience.

Just when you're talking about eating alone after gigs or before gigs, I normally I'll just take food with me and then I'll come back home straight after the gig.

So I don't eat alone then.

But it just brings back a terrible memory of once I did a gig in Stratford upon Avon.

I was staying over.

The gig was quite early.

I went to get some food afterwards, sat down on a table by myself.

There was a couple on a table next to me and they were chatting about the gig.

I was just on at.

They were going through the lineup and they went, oh, the guy on second wasn't very good.

And that was me.

I wanted to like just throw my drink on the floor and go, look, it's me, I'm literally here.

Yeah, right.

So, why would you not want to eat alone, Ed?

That's the kind of people are out there in this cold, cold world.

Of course, you want to eat alone.

You want to be joined by these kind of people that spend their dining experience destroying the dreams and self-esteem of others.

I wouldn't know.

You could have been like, Maybe I was fucking hungry.

Maybe that's why.

I couldn't give you 100% because I was starving.

It's very hard to perform when you're malnourished.

Let them know that.

Did they tip their waiter?

I bet they didn't.

Yeah.

No, they definitely didn't.

What I did do in the end, Dane, was I genuinely took a picture of them and put it on Twitter.

That's how you do it.

That's how you do it, Ed.

Dane, if you want to people watch while you eat, do you want us to put some people into the dream restaurant for you so you can have a little peek?

And if so, what's your favourite type of people to people watch up?

People on a date, I guess.

Yeah.

I'd have liked to find out what kind of conversations people have.

I think, obviously, a lot of time people's basis for coupling and relationships can be a lot more of a physical one based on how people look or what their sexual prowess is like.

But you know, even me and my friends, when we kind of ponder celebrity couplings, we're kind of like, what do these people discuss about dinner?

Because I think that's just the most common practice that most people do.

And it's like the cornerstone relationships.

Like, obviously, all relationships and nuance are different.

But the main thing is finding someone that you can share a bed and a meal with.

I think it's a big part of relationships.

And so I would like to see how people kind of react and how they interact.

And, you know, behind the veil of pomposity and pageantry and expensive clothes and perfumes and tannins and lotions who are these people when they're doing the very basic thing of eating you can tell a lot about somebody by the way they eat i think i would want a couple having a breakup in the room yeah that's good that's an absolute gold mine have you seen that before i maybe once or twice i've thought that might be happening but you're not sure you're just going oh or they're having an argument and you're like oh man they're upset with each other I quite like those couples who have clearly been together for a long time.

Now, there's two types here.

The silent couples.

So it's either they're silent because they hate each other or they're silent because they're very content and you can immediately tell.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And I love just imagining their 40 years together of absolute misery.

Some couples are just, food is their reason for bonding.

So I like those couples.

You might go to a buffet and stuff.

They're quite swell.

And they're not talking because there's food to eat.

And they're not wasting time.

and wasting respiration when they could be putting food into their mouth and to down their gullet.

So I like those people like that as well, where they're just like, it works because they both like to eat.

and if they find somewhere good to eat, that's all that matters.

I like that type of person as well.

There's an episode of Cheers where I think it's Sam and Diane, but it might be another couple.

They've not yet slept with each other, and for some reason, they can't because, like, I don't know, they're too busy.

And so, every time they're together, they just eat loads and they're trying to figure out why they're just eating so much.

And then someone breaks it down that they're doing it because they can't have sex.

So, they're just eating all the time.

So, now, whenever I see a couple really stuff in their faces, I'm like, oh, man, I guess haven't banged in a while.

It's the only two things we refer to as an appetite is our sexual appetite and our appetite for food.

That's true.

No, normally your partner has a headache, you go to the fridge.

So, you know, it's always filling a hole.

It's always a good indication of a good burgeoning relationship is when you both start putting on weight because you've been happily stuffing your faces and snacks the whole time whilst Netflix and chilling.

So I think there's a real integral link between food and relationships.

If someone lets you eat off their plate, very good way of telling them what kind of person they are.

Like if someone's like, but I ordered this one, I'm like, ah, all right, fine.

Then you can pay your own bill then.

So what does it say about you, Dan, that you're eating in your flat alone a lot?

That I read like people watch with a certain level of sensory deprivation, and that I don't want to smell them, or hear them, or have them look at me.

I was thinking of the link between that and your sexual appetite.

Does that mean you just like you like to order in?

Well, basically, I think Ed is making out that you're

pounding it, you're pounding it.

I mean, you know, it's let's say I'm

watching my weight, if you will.

You know, Ed.

I'm I'm i'm i'm nutrition you know

between that

uh nourishing if you will i am observing some intermittent fasting

whichever whichever appetite you're referring to ed i say everything in moderation yeah no no i think you're right i think that's perfect but then i also say five a day so don't listen to me

We always start with still a sparked in water, but just so you know, I'm just asking if you want still a sparked in water.

I'm not making out that that's what you ejaculate or anything.

I'm not going off the back of what we've just said.

I'm not going still a sparkling water.

I don't know what that's going to do with what I was talking about.

I wonder what sparkling semen is a symptom of, James A.

Castle.

I'm absolutely fascinated.

Carbonating your seed, yeah, fizzy jizz.

Oh, fizzy jizz.

Why is that not a thing yet?

Yeah,

that's true.

There must be some like pervy scientist who's invented a pill that you can take that makes it fizzy, right?

Right?

Because then, at least then, you're like, don't shake it, right?

Don't shake it.

It will go everywhere.

Like a champagne bowl.

You're like, imagine there's like a shortly.

If jizz was fizzy, that would be a great way of indicating you've had a good time.

And it'd be like, you know, winning Formula One.

You're like, ah, yeah.

Pole at pole position, if you will.

Putting your thumb over it.

Yeah.

Here's the turn.

Fizzy Jizz.

Oh, sorry, Benito.

Apologies, Benito.

We can't see him on the Zoom, but he'll be shaking his head.

But we know he's shaking his head.

He's dead.

We're not looking impressed.

He'll be taking his headphones off and telling his partner, oh, they're talking about fizzy chiz again.

But still will spark the mortar for you, Dane Baptiste, before your meal.

May I have still, please?

Absolutely.

You may.

May I also have it with ice and a slice?

A slice of anything in particular, or do you leave, or is that dealer's choice?

Surprise me, but within citrus boundaries.

Okay, I think that's key because you don't know what this genie's going to do.

James, if you were offered the choice, if Dane said, put a slice of anything you want in my still water, what are you going for?

Slice of ham.

Slice of ham.

Yeah?

No slice of ham maybe slice of cake yeah slice of but i'd put it you know like they do with a slice of lemon on the rim of the glass so like i'd put a cake just sitting on the rim do you remember this is dainstream meal not yours well if you leave it up to the wait if it's waiter's choice

i first heard the term ice and a slice when i was a little kid and my auntie and uncle just like started doing it at home they put a glass in front of me they said ice and a slice and i absolutely lost my mind at how cool it was to say ice and a slice I absolutely loved it because it rubbed it.

It's still your humour.

I was just like that is brilliant.

They just said ice and a slice because it's got a slice of lemon and some ice in it.

I absolutely loved it.

Blew my mind.

Me too.

I could have said and a slice of lemon but ice and a slice is so much better.

That's like it's like I'm right there next to him in the bar, right?

Ice and a slice, buddy.

Yeah.

Would you say that in a restaurant environment to a waiter?

Would you say ice and a slice?

It would depend on the restaurant.

Okay.

I think if I was in maybe a Browns or, like, you know, I guess like a steakhouse, I might say ice and a slice.

But if I was in, maybe like in Nobu, I might not go ice and a slice.

I'd probably say like

with a stick of cucumber.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One of those places.

There are some things on the podcast, quite a few things actually, that I get way more excited than Ed about.

And Ice and a slice is absolutely one of them.

I can't believe we've had this many episodes and no one's said the term ice and a slice yet.

And I'm so glad to hear it.

I'll tell you why.

I didn't get excited, James.

I'm sorry.

It took me somewhere else.

When you said the first time I heard the phrase ice and a slice,

I was suddenly transported back to the first time I heard the term on the rocks.

Right.

Okay.

So on the rocks, I now know memes with ice.

But the first time I heard the term on the rocks was in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, when he asks for something on the rocks and they bring it to him with loads of little pebbles, a glass with loads of pebbles in it.

But I hadn't heard the term on the rocks.

So I saw that and I thought, what's he complaining about?

That's what he's asked for.

I think that's where I first heard the term as well.

Scotch on the rocks, right?

Scotch and the rats, Bob Hoskins.

Yeah,

yeah.

I mean, it's like the first time I heard the term neat when someone was describing a drink.

And I was like, I mean, it's

anything but neat.

Aftershock is not neat at all.

Neither is neat JD.

It's really not neat at all.

It couldn't be further from the truth.

It's definitely not neat.

If Aftershock was neat, it wouldn't always end up on the floor.

Yeah,

it's very, very, very untidy.

And we know that because we often have to do gigs in nightclubs during the week when they're not nightclubs, but they're putting comedy on in them.

And we have to walk around on the floors and like the soles of your shoes nearly get ripped off by the dry aftershock.

It's horrendous.

It really is.

I mean, aftershock, that must be like aged in like kryptonite barrels.

It's just because it takes down Superman.

It really destroys people.

Look, I did a gig at a place in Sheffield and commented during the gig at how sticky the floors were because every time I could hear people in the dark get up to go to the toilet and stuff like that because here that and and the next time i went there they changed the floor since last time but when when they pulled up the old floor they cut out a block of it and engraved it to me and i now have it in my flat i've got i've got the i've got the sticky floor i've got a square of the sticky floor and it says to james here's a your very own section of the stickiest dance floor in the world and it's on it's

on my wall oh my god that's disgusting i can't believe you actually kept it yeah I kept it.

I kiss it every day.

I'm sure that's pretty much a biohazard

to have that on the wall.

But then it might be a very good deterrent.

I mean, you know, not going to have any

vermin coming in the house once they get a whiff of the sticky floor.

And they'll get confused because they'll go in and go, the floor is on the wall.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

There you go, because they'll get the sugar, then they'll get stuck on the wall, and then they'll smell their ancestors.

That's a new game show I'm working on.

It's a bit like who do you think you are, but with a more slapstick approach.

Yeah, like that's welcome to Smell Your Ancestors.

Sniff that.

In front of you are five boxes.

Daddy Dyer there.

I just huffed on Henry VIII's pants.

Yeah.

Fucking no, that's got a bit of a whiff to it, innit?

That's Poggy Netties, mate.

Poggy Netties.

Got to be your Uncle Henry.

That's Poggy Netties.

Poppadubs or bread.

Poppadobs or bread, Dame Baptiste.

Pop-adobs or bread.

Good question.

I'm going to go for Popadoms.

Will they come with the obligatory chutneys and sauces?

They come with whatever you want.

Oh, yes.

I will go for the Poppadoms then.

They come with a little silver sauce pot thing that rotates, but we can add as many sauce chambers to that as you wish.

So it depends what chutneys.

What chutneys would you like?

What's your favorite chutneys?

What's your favourite sauces with the pops?

I mean, I normally go for the typical, most variations are on the

mango chutney.

And I think that's the lime pickle and stuff as well.

I love, love myself some raw onion at a curry house, so get that in there as well.

Both white and red.

Funny how wine and onions are the same thing, but they're not made from the same thing.

How are,

right?

Yeah.

When you say they're the same thing, you mean just some colours, right?

Yeah.

They come in white and red, yeah.

White and red, yeah.

Well, but then, but then I guess red onions are purple, then so is red wine.

Yeah, yeah.

But I feel like you're one, you're one step away from insinuating that.

Wine is made of onions.

I feel like that's where you're headed.

No, no, because that's vinegar.

So there we got there.

We got there.

I know there was a luke.

There's something in between there somewhere.

One synapse is off.

So to answer the question, all the chutneys, please.

I taught my nephews a song about wine.

Did you?

Cool.

Yeah, they like learning simple songs.

So we're at the dinner table, but it was a family meal, and my dad got really annoyed.

And he hated the song, and he wanted them to stop singing it.

It's just them singing another Luke.

I don't know how old they were at the time.

But they're both there singing, wine, wine, wine.

It's very alcoholic.

Wine, wine, wine.

It's very alcoholic.

over and over again it's a really good song

you wonder why your dad was like i've had enough of this song

was that was someone drinking wine at the table is that how this started yes someone was drinking wine and they asked about the wine and what it tasted like and i think maybe the person just said alcoholic it tastes alcoholic and so we started singing mine wine wine it's very alcoholic and we didn't stop singing it

and the wine kept flowing yeah the wine kept flowing i like making up little songs head knows that i like it it's the most melodic intervention i've ever heard of so you know

starter are you choosing pop a doms because the meal ahead might suit it no it's a nice option i wanted to go for i think i'm someone when it comes to dining i try to have the most immersive and like broad experiences possible i'm not typically like an a la carte person but i'd say for this starter then i'd like so i used to work in media sales as an agency exec which meant i take people for like client lunches and stuff and discovered this restaurant in London called Hakasan, which I think is one of my favorite.

And one of their starters includes a dim sun platter, which is what I would like to have for my starter.

It's got like a shumai, which is like a open dumpling, and then it's got like one prawn dumpling, one's got like a dishback of fish row on it, one's got like a black cod kind of one, and like a vegetable dumpling, but they are amazing, all different types and textures.

And it's like a little, it's like little rainbow in

nice little steamer, and it's a wonderful one.

It comes with also like a red chili paste and a little little bit of light soy as well for dipping.

And you also get like a Chinese vinegar as well for dipping.

And so I'm a real big fan.

Big fan of the dim sum.

So I'll go for that for the start.

Oh, man.

I love it.

I think I came to Dim Sum relatively late, maybe.

I absolutely love Dim Sum now.

We're near a Chinese supermarket and regularly just go and sweep out the freezers and just grab everything we can and do and do dumpling night.

Oh God, so good.

So good.

And the funny thing, I think in Chinese culture, dim sum is more of like a brunch thing and more of a light lunch thing.

But I'm just like, can I have about 20 different types, please?

They're amazing.

Like, they're so good.

Like, whether it's shoe mai ones or prawn dumplings, gyoza as well, every now and again.

I'm going to do a bit of gyoza, but oh, big fan of Chinese dumplings.

So dim sum flatter for sure.

But I think you're right.

I think you've hit on something there.

The British attitude to things is take a really nice cuisine from another culture, and then the twist we add is having loads of it.

Yeah, loads and loads and loads.

You know that delicious dish you've invented?

I'm going to eat that until I'm sick.

Also, with a, can I have some chips of it as well, please?

Yeah,

that's the chips.

That'd be nice.

What's the most dim sum you've ever eaten, Dane?

Oh, good question.

I think the most I ever had.

No regrets, by the way, but I think the two with my former housemate, I think we did maybe nine or ten.

There's a stack where I couldn't even see him, basically.

And just the uh, and the weight and kind of like a leaning towel of pizza bringing it to us.

And uh, yep, we ate it all.

Dim sum is so good.

It's probably one of the only, I don't think I'd ever ever eaten turnip under any other circumstances, but pan-fried turnip cake that you get from dim sum restaurants are so good.

Making turnips into a delicacy, I think, is amazing.

I think it's because they put a cake in the name, right?

Well, it helps.

I think that definitely helps.

Yeah, you'll always, you'll always look at a cake, yeah.

Yeah, like I'm not going anywhere near it unless there's cake.

Like, if someone says, I've got, I've made this turnip dish, I'm like, well, I don't want to fart for the next 48 hours, but they put a little bit of cake in it.

Lovely.

Yeah, it's up there with one of the cake, as opposed to, you know, other Chinese dishes that have become cakes that aren't so good, like rice cakes.

Ugh, how can two words come together and make something so disgusting?

Separately, so nice, it's separately so nice.

I love rice, I love cake, but come together.

Oh my god, it's like when cousins marry.

I like both of those cousins, but they shouldn't be together.

Separately, yeah, right, come together.

It's an abomination.

What about chocolate-covered rice cakes?

And I'm not going by the metaphor, forget the metaphor.

I'm just going by actual, like, what about, Yeah, if the cousins fuck and they make a baby and you cover it in chocolate, fine.

Yeah, exactly.

That's exactly what it is.

You don't like the chocolate ones, though?

You don't have to buy the chocolate ones and think, this is all right.

I quite like the chocolate ones.

Up until I get past the, you know, that small millimeter of chocolate.

And then I'm like, oh, this is a fucking rice cake.

I have to stop doing this to people.

I'd rather just have a rice cake and, you know, come to terms with the fact that...

I need to go on a diet or that I need to watch what I eat because that's why I'm eating.

There's no other reason why you should be eating a rice cake.

Sure.

Right.

I feel like, you know, not with pop chips being available everywhere.

That's the new one.

Pop chips.

That's where it's at.

You like pop chips?

I love pop chips.

I've got a lot of pop chips in the flat at the moment.

Yeah, me too.

Nice.

They're sponsoring us for an episode, Dane, and they delivered what I would call a pub's back room worth of pop chips.

Pop chips, that amazing company that makes those delicious snacks.

Man, you guys are lucky.

I really know.

I would wish I could do a brand partnership with pop chips.

But, you know, perfect example of the perfect marriage of two delicious things.

Pop enjoyed by northern children everywhere.

Chips enjoyed by both

chips enjoyed globally and in particular enjoyed alongside all world cuisine by English tourists.

Put them together and you've got pop chips.

Everyone loves them.

Well, Dane, look, I think we can do a proper campaign for you to get a load of free pop chips.

I think we can get the listeners to tweet pop chips and tell them that they should send you loads of free freebies because you've talked about them.

Listeners, I would be forever indebted to you, and I can assure you that if you were to continue your patronage by coming to a show, pop chips would be available as canopies.

That would be great.

Go and see Dane Baptiste on tour, get a free bag of pop chips.

Yeah.

Although, I think they've stopped doing the buffalo wing flavour, which is upsetting.

We've got two campaigns.

Yeah.

Bring it back as well.

Bring it back.

Bring back the buffaloes.

I have to tell people that.

I'm currently involved in two campaigns.

Both of them are about pop chips.

Some people say I spread myself too thin, but you know,

pop chips are thin too, and they're fine.

So why can't I be?

Imagine this, Dame.

Close your eyes first.

Dim sum flavoured pop chips.

How does that make you feel?

Do you think you'd like that?

Each pop chip in the bag is a different dumpling.

So you don't know what you're going to get each time.

It's like Rebels.

So it's like the platter.

A Hakasan dim sum platter flavoured bag of pop chips.

I really like that.

I like that.

Because I feel like dim sum stuffed with pop chips doesn't work the same way.

No, they go soggy, wouldn't they?

Yeah, they go really soggy and the whole steam thing.

So yeah, I think, yeah, pop chip, dim sun flavoured pop chips.

I'm here for that.

Yeah.

Great.

Campaign number three.

That's campaign number three.

This is why this is why I couldn't afford to eat with anybody else.

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It's a business meeting.

It's a business lunch.

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Let's get on to your main course now, Dave.

It's come down to two very narrow options, but I think I think the best meal is always always home cooked.

This is what I believe.

And so my main course is basically elbow macaroni with brown stewed chicken.

And that's what my mum used to make.

And it's like a comfort food.

It is very, very nice.

I actually had the opportunity to make this with Levi Roots last year.

Wow.

And my God, did I shit myself when I made it?

But he helped me improve the recipe and stuff as well.

And it's one of these things where I enjoy it as an adult.

I enjoyed it as a child.

You can give it to kids because, you know, kids can be quite fussy with food, you know, as their palates aren't that developed yet.

And yeah, it's just a really nice, really nice comfort food.

Very easy to make.

I think you're right about the home, the home cooking thing.

I do, I love eating at restaurants, obviously, but like when you're really missing, missing like good cooking, you're like, I just want to just want some home cooked food.

Just want my mum to make something, please.

Yeah, and that's that, that's that's my go-to.

Or Levi Roots.

Yeah, all Levi Roots.

So I mean, hopefully, one of them will choose not to listen to this particular episode.

But, um,

that, but that's between my mum and Levi.

But it's, um, it was a real close tie between either that or there is a black cod in miso sauce that I like from a place called Rocco, which is so nice.

And they also do another, uh, I think it's the lay in sea bass in Chinese champagne honey at Hacksam as well.

And those are my other two options because I remember eating those and thinking, my God, this is the life.

And I think it was one day where, you know, I felt like my stomach was beginning to rest on my space bar at work.

And I was like, stop going for flying dentists.

And so that's why I say a whole meal is bad because it's, you know, may not be put together with the same kind of, I guess, polish when it's finished in the same presentation, but that meal does come with love.

And someone's saying, you're getting a bit fat, mate.

You know,

they won't tell you that in a restaurant, but, you know, at home, at home, mum will be like, you need to cut back a bit.

And the key is, guys, is it's because the brownfield chicken is a natural gravy producer.

And just having that pasta with the little drizzle of gravy, oh man.

Is it just like boiled pasta?

There's not like a sauce with that or anything.

It goes with the chicken, yeah.

Goes with the chicken with the pasta.

And also, it worked for me as like as a student meal as well, where you know, money's a bit tighter and stuff and also cooking conditions for most students it's just inhospitable like as we know most student kitchens will not pass a minus one hygiene rating so to be able to boil pasta and maybe have some leftovers heat that up just there's a little gravy on it and um it's the best although i don't die i almost do use the gravy as like kind of like a stirring sauce and stuff as well so but it's just so simple and so nice and i can see myself eating that like a lot of stuff eating that alongside like my nephew who's so much younger than me and it was just like this is the life young man it's the life this that's this is my equivalent of like having my first beer with like a nephew and my son it's like yeah uh-huh this is it in a plastic bowl too just like mama used to give me just to let you know dane i love that description of the food james has been sat there for the last five minutes desperate to ask you a question about levi roots james yes

it happened again because when you said levi roots james went oh wow and then his head went to everything he wants to know about levi roots and he completely glazed over the levi roots anthology all the way from like Dragon's Den all the way to now.

I could see James in the background going,

James,

I saw it.

I could even hear, I could hear the reggae reggae sauce jingle in it in his head.

I could hear it.

I was thinking, I mind if I could get some of my songs to Levi and get him to start singing wine, wine, wine, it's very alcoholic and stuff like that.

I could see that.

Reggae, reggae, wine.

Reggae, reggae wine.

What I was going to say was, Ed, can you guess what I want to ask Dane?

Because

I

I wanted to ask about Levi Roots.

I wonder, Ed, if from Dane's original description of the dish, if you can guess the other thing that stuck into my head as something that I wanted to ask about and talk about.

I'll be very impressed if you know this, but it's quite possible that you would think that's something he would pick up on.

I also wanted to ask about elbow macaroni.

I was going to guess that.

Yes.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, I've never heard it called elbow macaroni before, but I know exactly what Dane's talking about.

And I want want to dig into elbow macaroni and if it's different from other macaroni.

Because I hadn't heard that term, and I really just immediately like the term elbow macaroni as well.

Yeah,

it's very specific because macaroni, I think most people regard macaroni as like long tubules of pasta, whereas elbow macaroni, it just slightly, ever so slightly curves.

And I don't necessarily know if there's always different tastes, but I think it's very something that's very psychosomatic in my head whereby it just tastes very different.

It's just not, it's not the same.

In the same way, to me, it's like the same as when people go, what the fuck's this?

And they go, it's ketchup.

And you go, no, this is not ketchup.

This is tomato sauce.

Okay.

So unless you've got another 56 varieties in that kitchen, you get to spread shit off my table.

But yeah, it just makes a big difference.

Like, so to get good elbow macaroni, craft do good stuff.

And normally, it's so weird because I'm lactose intolerant, but I'll buy a box of like instant macaroni cheese because they do a particular type of elbow macaroni that I like.

It's also the type that you normally is normally used for kids, when kids like do macaroni pitches and stuff.

But yeah, you can buy really inexpensive stuff.

There's probably about four different types of macaroni in my kitchen.

Now, what's he like?

Did you get on with him?

And did you see any songs?

Right.

Um, he is very cool.

Um, I got on with him very well because I was very nervous.

What was it for, Dane?

He has a podcast, and so he invites guests to cook, and then just to like, you know, just talk while you're cooking, which was very difficult when I was trying my best not to fuck up the recipe and then trying to multitask and answer the questions and stuff.

But yeah, he was really cool, man.

For me, the biggest fear was it's because the dish, as I understand it, I don't measure it in terms of like ingredients.

I've just gone from following memory and so when they're like we need to you need to you need to send him the recipe in advance and I'm like how do you recipe my my mother doesn't recipe she just goes that's enough or a little bit more so I had to kind of find a weird piece of meal recipe between the stuff I knew and the stuff I could find on the internet and then he was kind of like don't worry about that I don't even need it anyway and then he made it and it was it was amazing but um he's a really cool guy and really fun and and naturally a very good cook did he um try and put reggae reggae sauce in everything no he didn't it was like it was just like a nice accoutrement so we made uh stewed chicken and stuff i was the only thing i was concerned was that he put a scotch bonnet in the rice to win it to steam but um yeah came out really really nicely i'm actually not that au favoured spicy food yet but i'm getting there i've been improving over the last three or four years so when you saw the scotch bonnet you were scared yeah i was like oh i'm gonna embarrass myself and i'm gonna sweat or shit myself in the front of levi roots and i feel like i don't know how much of a compliment shitting yourself is to a chef i feel like it should be one though right if it's going the other way yeah right if you're Because it's almost like I ate so much, I wasn't even paying attention to my bowel movements when I deleted the shit.

So I'd rather sit here and shit myself than leave the table where you're cooking food.

Chefs, if you're listening, let us know.

We've had a few chefs on this podcast.

We've never asked them that.

I've never thought about how inappropriate the name Scotch Bonnet is for something spicy.

Yeah.

It's a really sweet name.

It's really up there, Fizzy Jizz.

Fizzy Jizz, all over your Scotch bonnet.

I mean, yeah, I guess Fizzy Giz doesn't sound spicy either.

No.

No.

I mean, your tongue will tingle, but

I was thinking when you're talking about art on the wall, once when I was at primary school, we had to make our favorite meal, like a picture of our favorite meal that our parents cooked us for them to display on the wall.

So when people came around, they'd be like, oh, look, it's all their favorite meals.

And my mum's a great cook, and she cooked loads of amazing stuff when I was little, especially, right?

And I panicked and couldn't remember anything she'd ever cooked me.

So I made

peas with cheese sauce out of crepe paper.

But a terrible artist didn't think it through.

I made all the peas individually.

Only the bottom layer stuck onto the plate.

So when it went up on the wall, they all just fell off the plate.

So it's a bowl of cheese.

Bowl of cheese, which, to be fair, was my favorite meal.

To be fair.

You love that.

Yeah, I feel like at one point that could have been your favorite meal, I don't.

Yeah, definitely.

Definitely.

It's well known on this podcast that I love cheese.

I used to get pat lunch to school and then I used to go to the dining hall and have proper lunch as well.

I had to sneak in as they didn't see me because they knew I had packed lunch.

And quite often I go to the salad bar and just get a bowl of cheese.

Bowl of grated cheese.

Okay, listen,

it's your life, Ed.

You know what?

It's your life.

And I've heard worse.

I've heard worse.

You know, people have like, there's syringes where you can inject cheese and stuff into things.

And people do that.

Matt, I used to look at Iceland and they used to have an inside-out cheeseburger, which was basically a burger with a cheese filling.

I didn't know you used to work at Iceland.

Yeah, I used to work at Iceland.

And I don't know.

I have a theory that like at some point at culinary school Heston Blumenthal had a best friend and his friend may have come from more modest background than Heston and they would come up with all these crazy ideas and Heston was like I'm gonna go and work and you know create things in cryogenic storage and fridges and like and they would the guy was like what the fuck happened to you Heston you've forgotten who you are he's like come on buddy and he's like no we said we're gonna do this to give back to the people remember the five bird medley the turkey stuff with a goose stuff with a chicken stuff with a hamster you were supposed to be part of that too heston what happened to the inside out cheeseburger you said we were gonna to do?

And they went their separate ways.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Iceland is the sort of the cheaper equivalent of Heston Salman stuff.

Chicken tikka lasagna, right?

Yeah, it's like, you know, like the fat duck.

It's like the fat pigeon.

That's what Iceland is.

No, and there's a lot of snobbery.

People just looking at Heston and going, oh, it's a genius.

I can't wait to see what he's done.

And people turning their nose up at the inside-out cheeseburger as if it's stupid.

As if it's stupid.

If you went to the fat duck and they served that, everyone would be like, oh, how did he come up with this idea?

So good yeah it's like you can get snail porridge at the fat duck and that's amazing but if you get a caterpillar in your rice pudding oh it's for charge it's disgusting

things got things got changed guys we've all got bellies we all we'll take all people at the end of the day that was the original name for this podcast

we all take we've all got bellies and we all take we all got bellies we all take shits

we all take bellies we all

exactly we that could be the name of a nice tour though yeah yeah we all got bellies we've all got shits and you can and then you could have like, you know, and you open up every tour day where you're like, have a look at this shit.

You want to know what created this?

Welcome, Chef Levi Roots.

And then Levi comes in.

Like, look at that stool.

That's healthy and regular.

Well, you know, I use a lot of natural ingredients in my stuff.

Allow me to demonstrate.

And we get the whole audience a stand-up where we all get our bellies out at the beginning.

We've all got bellies.

And then we'll take it.

And then we'll take it shit.

Let me get straight, though.

The format for the show, your tour show, is that you go on, you show the audience a picture of some shit that you've done yeah and then you get them to guess what celebrity chef cooked you the meal that made you do the shit and then you bring the celebrity chef out and they talk the audience through the picture of the shit and talk about how their cooking influenced that

now james i know how it sounds but i would submit to you that maybe two or three years ago if i told you there was a game show where people dress up in masks and you can't see their face and they sing songs on tv and then the game is to guess who they are and they they don't win any record contract at the end of that, and just a competition to see who's behind the mask.

You'd say, What?

Yeah, but that's that's the last singer.

Yeah, absolutely.

I don't think they're quite the same, not exactly the same because

one comes at one comes at your mouth, one comes at your mouth, and one comes at your bum.

But I'm just saying, you know, at the end of my tour, it was like, turns out this big shit was done by a big fat dude.

You'd be like, Yeah, that sounds right.

So, that's the end.

The end of the tour, the whole tour, built up to you revealing that, and I quote, this big shit was dead by a big fat dude.

yeah

well hold on no hold on now i'm getting confused i thought the slide

i thought the slide that you're showing them is a picture of a that you have done and a celebrity chef cooked you a meal you ate the meal you did you did this oh no not what i've done i've got i've got a torto run james not an animal it's like a celebrity takes a and everyone's like guess whose this is So then that's the first hook, right?

Then it's like, it's this person.

Turns out it's Davina McCall, let's say.

So everyone's like, oh, I would have never guessed.

Davina, you seem so regular and healthy.

What's your secret?

I eat well, exercise well.

Let's find out who made this delicious meal that resulted in this delicious stool.

Yeah, it's Levi Roots.

Yeah, now Levi's on the stage.

He's like,

and then he's like, then you add a scotch bonnet and then Davina's going, so that's what got me.

That's it.

Right?

Yeah.

And at the very least, people are there at least half an hour being like, what the fuck is going on?

And then someone goes, I need to take a shit.

And then someone goes, don't forget your camera.

It's the level of audience engagement for everybody takes a shit will just be, you know, unmeasured.

I think that's, I love the guessing element.

I love that we're guessing whose shit it is.

So we've got the audience engaged then.

Then the

person who did the shit comes out and they've got to guess who made them do the shit.

So they're guessing what chef cooked them the meal that made the shit happen.

My only problem with it is as an audience member is the picture of that shit is up for the whole show.

No, I'll go back to the first slide, which is like the

talk.

Yeah, a mosaic of like butts.

Yes.

And bellies.

There's like alternate chessboards, so it's just bellies and bellies.

Everybody's got a belly, and everybody takes a shit.

Now, see, butts and bellies, let's do it that way.

That's an easier sell, right?

That's nicer, yeah.

You call it butts and bellies.

Yeah,

rather than calling it everyone's shits.

If I say butts and bellies, that can get through.

I mean, I feel like there should be some sort of belly button pun there with butts, butt button, belly butts.

Belly butts on.

I mean, Anthony Jesenick would absolutely destroy me for this, but like I'll be trying to think of like a belly button.

Belly button on the knife.

I know we'll sell it to BBC, and then when it's on the iPlay, they'll be like, to find out more shits, press the belly button.

And so, yeah, no, right.

And it is like a picture of someone's belly, and their belly button is a butt.

There you go.

Or there's their butt, and their anus is a belly button.

Yeah, all right.

I mean,

I've really enjoyed this conversation

more than I should be proud of.

What's the side dish going to be?

I think in the theme of what I'm going with now, I think it'd be a side of fried planting.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Planting is a literal gift from God.

It's a vegetable that is delicious, continues to give back.

Some say it is the bacon of the diaspora.

You know, works the same way.

You can have it any day and night.

You can fry it, have it sometimes crispy and slightly burned is even better.

It's vegan as well.

And you can have it at any meal, breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

And you can also make planting chips.

Yes.

Yeah.

I think it might be the food that I think about the most, but never cook at home.

And I've got to change that because I love it so much.

It's so good.

I think it's the same with a lot of people.

It's like, and there's just like this perfect like window of ripeness for the ripe planting that if you get it then when you fry it just naturally caramelizes and chars my goodness i believe that manna from heaven was a uh misinterpretation or mistranslation mistranslation and they meant planting from heaven.

That's how good planting is.

Yeah.

You can't go wrong with it short of eating it raw.

And I think even then there's a whole thing now where you can like boil it and you can mash it up with avocado and it's like amazing baby food.

Obviously the only thing I'm thinking of now is how funny I think mana from heaven is.

Yeah.

And I just want to talk about.

Oh no, no, no.

Yeah.

Anything from heaven makes me laugh.

I think you're aware, Ed, that I find the idea.

Heaven makes me laugh.

Yeah, heaven makes you laugh.

Yeah.

I really love it when people say they're in heaven.

So now I just want to know what everyone's manna from heaven would be.

For Dane, it would be plantain coming down from the sky.

Yeah.

Ed, what would you,

if you were getting your manna from heaven, what would you hope to see coming down from the sky?

So it's essentially what would I want to rain down from the sky, right?

Yes, but like in the bottom, how familiar are you with the Bible, Ed?

I'd say, uh, who are we talking?

Jesus?

Yeah, that's New Testament or Old Testament.

Which, hang on, is he in both?

He's in the new one.

He's in the new one.

Right.

See, I'm more of a...

I prefer the early work.

So maybe actually just what's he called in the first one it's just it's just god in part one all right yeah god and then in the second one it's jesus but he's also god because he's part of a holy trinity which doesn't mean there is a sequel ed even though the name implies there is a part three but that's not happened yet i'll wait for part three and then i'll read them all because i can't get into something if i don't know the end of it do you know what that's a really interesting existential point for most people

i'm gonna wait till it happens because at the end of part two

there's some crazy post-credit shit in revelations Literally.

So, yeah, I think most people are trying to find out what's going to happen in part three.

Yeah.

Before they really sign up to the whole biblical cinematic universe.

So what is manna from heaven then, James?

Well, so this is me now trying to remember from my Christian upbringing.

I think there's a point where a group of people are traveling.

to the promised land, I think.

Yeah.

And they're camping overnight and stuff.

And they're really, really hungry.

They haven't got any food.

And one night, or at some point, just manna from heaven comes down from heaven, from the sky, sky, and they can eat all that.

So, just comes down from heaven for them, right?

And they get to eat the food from heaven straight from heaven.

And it's only one food, yes, but it's the best food ever.

It's really nice, and it's filling, but it's also low-calorie.

Then it's like slow-released carbohydrate, but at the same time, like it's fibrous and stuff as well.

Like, before people said it was the best things, before sliced bread, this was the sliced bread.

That's how manna from heaven works.

Because before people would be like, I got this bread, and people are like, I don't give a fuck.

We got manna at home.

And people are like, This shit's already sliced.

Oh,

game changer.

That was when they started going.

Okay, well, now the phrase is best things in sliced bread, but it was best thing since manna from heaven.

That's how it used to be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, eggs.

You would like eggs to come down?

They would splatter on the floor.

No, it's well, they're fried already.

You want fried eggs to come down from the sky?

Yeah.

It's probably the safest state for an egg to be in,

coming down from the sky, right?

Because you could just have like, you know, a Laxa and just be like, oh, and just catch it, right?

And then you're good to go.

Yeah, exactly.

Or just a bit of bread.

You're just straight in.

Yeah, a bit of bread on top.

Oh, you get all your tomato sauce and you've got your onions and stuff.

Like the sugar in there just like, oh, here you go.

I'm so good.

Perfect.

Caught another one?

Eggs.

You would want fried eggs coming down from the sky.

Okay, yeah, fine.

A mana from heaven.

Are they all the eggs sunny side up or any of them overeat?

I don't like overeat.

I don't know why people mess around with that sort of shit.

It's just always sunny side up.

I was blew my mind mind when the first time i went to america and people were going overeat and they were being brought those eggs where you can't see that the yolks in there yeah and yeah it's all no it should be sunny side up you know you need to be open and honest with your egg stop trying to conceal the yolk oh yeah that i i let that fly by the cheese injections if you if there was a restaurant ed that exclusively injected cheese into like pastries you'd go to that place right i'd go to the place that it directly injected cheese into me yeah you'd go you'd go down the back alley and say hey hey you let's pony buddy

But you would have party.

Also, like, Ed, you know, Ed has to inject himself pretty regularly anyway.

So he could always do it in front of friends and family, and they would assume, oh, Ed's doing one of his injections.

Yeah.

So you wouldn't even need to be a sneaky little, you know, going around getting yourself your cheese.

You could just do it in plain sight, and everyone would be like, oh, he's probably just doing one of his, give himself some insulin.

Until they look, just look closely and see that I've screwed one of my needles onto the end of a primula tube.

Yeah.

I can see see it.

I still, I think that's a good idea for a restaurant, though, right?

Like, you know, like Shake Shack every now and again, do like they do different types of shakes and stuff.

If you could get like a particular type of liquid cheese each month, a different cheese or a combination of cheese, and they're like, they'll either stuff it into the crust of like a slice, a pizza slice, or like in a croissant or muffin.

Would you eat a muffin with a cheese, a melted cheese center?

There you go.

Yes.

Would you eat a donut filled with cheese?

Oh, 100%.

Man.

And finally, would you eat a Magnum bar with a cheese centre?

So like a chocolate, a chocolate, but with cheese in the middle instead of ice cream.

Yeah, for the experience, I would be like, you've got to try that once.

If they've released it, I've definitely got to try it.

I'm not sure I'd enjoy it.

If in Edinburgh, they had like a deep-fried Mars bar and then injected that with liquid camembert, you in?

I think I might be dead.

I think I might be in.

Well, I'm not here to gut shame, Ed Gamble.

I'm not here to gut shame.

It's a dream restaurant.

You have whatever you want, sir.

Hey, do you remember when we got sent that?

Do you get sent that dinner?

is it dinner ladies the dinner ladies uh yes yeah yeah and they they sent us a scotch egg that you injected with like a tomato sauce before eating it it was amazing it was so good that does sound very very good i i would go to a restaurant where the whole concept of the whole thing is with every dish you inject it with something yeah and you can choose what you inject it with that's nice so you know you can order anything on the menu and then you say and i'd like that with this injection please yeah and they would bring you that along and then you can inject it and eat whatever it is you want.

That as a concept would work a lot better than you think, James.

I think if you have, like, for example, we have all the cheese selections you inject stuff with, and then various types of preserves and jams and syrups that you can inject stuff in with for dessert.

And just like gravies as well.

Absolutely.

Gravies, any sauces.

Gravies, roux.

This is really good.

We call it syringe with an accent on the E.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or IV.

I think IV is a cool name as well.

But it's not like the other IV.

This is IV.

The IV.

Yeah.

Right?

That's good.

Yeah.

You could get it in a drip, the stuff you're injecting in.

So there you go, the IV, the IV, yeah, new fusion.

And then, look, there's oxygen bar chains they can it could work.

Remember those where people used to have oxygen bars, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I reckon we could do this.

I mean, we better be careful with this.

Someone's gonna nick this idea off of us because it would actually be pretty good.

And then it's got all these injection restaurants will be like the new Shisha Cafe.

This is the good, is this the best idea we've had on this podcast?

Yeah, this is the best idea since the Glaze Curtain game show.

Yeah, well, if I give you a double inside-out cheeseburger with both those patties injected with more cheese.

Yes.

Yeah, I'm on board.

You believe in heaven now, James A.

Custer?

I believe in heaven.

Bonito, don't put this episode out until we've properly made sure we've copyrighted this idea.

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Now, well, I think I at least know one of the the drinks that might be on your short list for your dream drink because I've heard you talk about on stage before how much you like it.

I don't know if milkshakes are going to be in the running here, Dane, but I know you're a fan of the milkshake, am I right?

I am a big fan of the milkshake, and it's got to be in there.

I'm going to keep it somewhat more classy and go for like a dirty milkshake and add a double shot of Jack Daniels' honey bourbon as well.

I've stumbled upon a recipe for a lactose-friendly milkshake as well now, because I've discovered that Oatly make a strawberry ice cream.

So, oh, yeah, I take a few scoops of that.

I freeze some oat milk as well.

So you've got cubes of oat milk, dollop of jam, some crushed ice, and then just maybe lactose-free milk or soy milk, whichever one you choose.

Double shot of bourbon, put it in a blender, and my goodness, it is whipped to mook perfection.

Sounds good.

I love those shakes.

Hard shakes, aren't they?

I think they're called hard shakes.

I like hard shakes like dirty lemonade and stuff as well.

Do you know there's a restaurant called Sweet Chick, which had opened over here is a nas is a restaurant the rapper nas had a restaurant a chain restaurant called sweet chick and they very recently opened in central before lockdown and um yeah they used to you do like the hard shakes and all like the dirty lemonades and stuff and i really miss it man i'd never i'd never i never thought i'd be able to drink tamarind in a tamarind and juice but there it was with booze living a dream so milkshakes definitely have to feature i think milkshakes work as a perfect treat they are both a drink and a dessert refreshing satisfying and uh yeah i've just gone through a very long dark period of my life whereby my lactose intolerance has prevented me from being able to indulge in milkshakes unless I find vegan ones.

You know, very few places do vegan milkshakes.

And if any listeners have any clues that to where I can obtain vegan milkshakes or any vegan milkshake manufacturers, then if you want a spokesperson, I'm all up for that kind of brand partnership.

My goodness.

And I'm this close, I'm this close to like inventing them myself out of frustration.

People tend to be like infusing CBD into everything.

And I was thinking that maybe I could be like if Ben and Jerry's met Howard Marks, Mr.

Nice, and then created a whole new line of very nice organic CBD infused frozen treats, including milkshakes, you know, like the custards that you get at like Shake Shack, ice cream, sorbets.

So imagine if your grandma has like, you know, some kind of arthritic pain.

Just give them a nice CBD infused ice pole.

They can sit and shit out on a summer's day.

I don't know if it's because we talked about Levi Roots earlier on, but we are turning into entrepreneurs.

We are coming up with so many business ideas.

But this this you're saying we're coming up with so many business ideas.

Dane's coming up with the ideas, but he's doing it in such an open way to make us feel part of the conversation that we feel like we've come up with the ideas as well.

Hey, you guys have got the restaurant.

I'm just coming to you with the ideas, okay?

That's all we do.

It's innovation and, you know, levitation, as they say.

So

having ideas.

They do say that, but you know,

I think James has got all the logistics and stuff as well.

So you guys got a restaurant, this would be the perfect place to kind of weed out that kind of produce, see how it works.

Look, I've got a notepad.

All I've written down is the IV restaurant.

The IV restaurant.

Don't you just go?

First page of the notebook, blank notebook, completely new, the IV restaurant.

In a few months' time, when Ed sits down to write his new show, opens his notebook.

That's still the only thing in there.

What was that about?

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, that's Dane's restaurant.

I mean, surely there's a lot of money to be made in someone having a dairy-free milkshake chain or something.

I'm telling you about that.

The thing is, Dane, I like Oatley ice cream.

I i don't really like that sort of thing like that doesn't fill me with joy sounds like frozen porridge i know it right right i know and jack daniels i don't really like but you've put them together it sounds lovely it's like the opposite of cousins

right

It's the opposite of cousins fucking.

It's like two biodiverse strangers having consensual sex together.

Yeah.

Or just two cousins having a meal together and going home.

Yeah.

Or two cousins meeting platonically and maybe stumbling upon the idea for a frozen treat company.

Yeah.

Nice and normal stuff.

Hey, here's another one.

Liquor.

People like liquor.

People like rice.

You put those together, that's liquorish, and it's a fucking abomination.

Now we come to your dessert, and we've already, yo, we've got some clues.

Maybe we're probably not going to have a dairy-heavy dessert unless you've made it lactose-free.

Quite a sweet drink already going into this dessert.

I have a very sweet tooth, though, so I'm more than fine with this.

Because

I can't go for the charcuterie board, can I?

Or the selections of cheeses and grapes a lot of the time.

So normally I have to make my excuses when Apatifs and Charcuterie arrive and you know, be make myself scarce.

So you just run away.

If someone, if a cheese board arrives, you run away.

You and me both.

You and me both.

Yeah, I've got to get out of there.

I've got to get from here.

I've got to get out of there.

Yeah.

I flip the board over.

I ask if we're cousins and I leave.

Like men did in the old days, James.

Some of the old customs need to come back.

My birthday a couple years back, uh, my partner.

Oh, happy birthday for them.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Sorry, we missed it.

It's cool.

You were there in spirit, guys.

Trust me.

But I was there with my partner at the time, and we went to a place called Zuma in Kensington, which is again a really big fan of Asian fusion and sushi and stuff.

And the dessert was essentially like again a platter, which had like you know, they cut like melon and melon into a shape of like a boat, like a melon boat, and there were like different fruits and stuff.

If I see persimmons or passion fruit or dragon fruit, I know I'm eating pretty well.

Or star apples and stuff.

Like these aren't normal.

Like the kind of fruits you won't find synthesized in a packet of fruit pastels.

You're having a good time.

But I go for like a fruit selection.

And it also came with a very nice, I think it was a fondant.

Here's a chocolate fondant.

Yeah.

And it came with matcha ice cream, which I found very, very nice.

So I'd want something very similar, like maybe like a little chocolate selection with, but with a matcha filling.

I want to say, yeah, matcha fondant filling.

So it's like a chocolate cake with matcha fondant filling and then like maybe some fruit sorbet and a selection of the different fruits and then all of that is infused with CBD.

And that would be my ideal dessert.

Yes.

I love matcha.

It's one of my favourite powders.

Yeah.

It's like Grinch cocaine, isn't it?

It is exactly that.

It's exactly Grinch cocaine.

I love it.

We're glossing over the CBD-infused food here because you've only chose to do it for the dessert.

Does it not go well with all your other courses?

It can do, but I want people to just balance the palate and the appetite because it's come up with a tasting menu.

There's a lot of different selections and stuff.

And I feel like if I have CBD way too early, I'm going to veer off from the course and I'm going to go from like having a dim sun platter to being like, can I get some pop chips?

And another 12 pop-adoms.

And I don't want my appetite to be spoiled and these different delectable treats to be spoiled.

What's it supposed to do?

Just like...

take the edge off, chill you out a bit?

I think the idea is that it's

so CBD is one of the other active ingredients as well as THC in the marijuana leaf.

But THC is like the stuff that gets you, like, stoned, right?

So that causes the head high, whereas CBD causes the body high.

So the idea is that it works intensely, relaxing you, relaxing your muscles and stuff.

So that, you know, I guess that's why it works with people that have the genitive disease and stuff, so their muscles aren't constantly spatting intensive.

That would be why I shat myself.

So it could be, oh, you shut yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And also.

Anyway.

Yeah.

And then everyone was like, guess who did this shit?

Yeah, gamble.

What did he eat?

CBD Coffin.

In this

Just in case anyone was, I am aware that I did my joke about shitting myself after Dave was making a serious point about the medicinal qualities of CBD.

Thank you.

Yes.

Although, that being said, Ed Gamble, if constipation is your issue, that's fine too.

That's true.

Yeah, it's not.

Dane, I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Water.

You would like still water.

Ice and a slice.

Poppin' arms or bread.

Poppin' poppin' oms of all the chutneys.

Starter, dim sum platter from Hakasan.

Main course, elbow macaroni with brown stewed chicken.

Side dish, fried plantain.

Drink, a hard shake with oatly strawberry ice cream and honey bourbon Jack Daniels.

Dessert, a platter of desserts from Zuma.

Melon boat, chocolate fondant with matcha filling, fruit sorbet, all infused with CBD.

How do you feel about that?

I feel good, man.

I feel good.

I have one request.

I'm not sure if you guys fulfill it.

If I can't finish everything, could I please have a doggy bag in case I see a homeless person and I can give them some food?

Absolutely, for sure.

Some restaurants don't let you do that.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, I've been to some restaurants and you're like, can I take it out?

And they're like, no, I'm afraid you can't.

Which I don't think is very nice.

I think we waste metric tons of food, particularly in the restaurant and the national hospitality industry all the time.

And I think, like France, we should make it a point of law that any food is provided to the less fortunate in this country.

If I could stand on one political thing and achieve one thing politically, I would like that law passed in this country that no food is allowed to go away.

It must be equally distributed among less fortunate because nurse banks, so we're supposed to, we are the economic powerhouse of this part of the world, but all we've got is food banks.

So why not, you know, do some real wealth distribution with the food?

So that's my only request that the gym restaurant applies.

Absolutely, you can do that.

We'll give you a whole extra meal then.

Oh, thank you very much.

You guys are the greatest.

It's mad that people don't let you do it because you've paid for it.

That's yours.

Right?

Even if I choose to throw it on the floor, that's my choice, which I wouldn't.

But yeah, there's some places where they just don't allow you to have takeout, strangely enough.

But you know what?

And if it turns out that like maybe a waiter or waitress was lying because they're like I'm gonna eat it myself at home Then do you know what?

That's fine as long as it doesn't go to waste as long as it's not thrown away I don't mind if someone gets to eat it Then that's fine.

Well, thank you so much Dane.

That is a delicious meal.

Very good.

It's a wonderful journey and I think we started about three different businesses together.

Yeah, I think we have and

also have maybe have started up a wonderful relationship between Dane Baptiste and Pop Chips.

And those also will be distributed amongst my fans, friends and well-wishers as well.

So, you know, if Dane wins, everybody wins, Pop Chip wins.

Depending on how many you get.

Yeah, yeah, but yeah.

Yes.

Thank you very much, Dane.

My absolute pleasure, guys.

Thank you so much for having me.

Dane Baptiste there.

Lovely menu.

Lovely menu.

Lovely men.

The three of us.

Yes, lovely.

A real trio of great guys.

Thank you very much for coming into the dream restaurant, Dane.

Thank you so much for all of your business ideas.

We will be running with every single one of them absolutely I can't wait to be millionaires make so much money together well done Dane for not saying chopped peel and getting chucked out of this restaurant but bad luck for not saying zest and becoming the owner yes bad luck it was a a meal of two halves in that sense yeah I guess he never knew what he lost.

He'll only know when he listens back to this that he was nearly a co-owner of the restaurant.

But he'll be a co-owner of the IV and he will be in charge of kicking out Benito because, let's face it, you and I will be too cowardly to do it.

Yes, too cowardly, and we'll be so so drunk on our IV drips.

We will be absolutely hammered.

Do check out things that Dane does.

Check on iPlayer, see if Bamus is still on there.

Well worth a watch.

Sorry, Benito's rolling his eyes.

At OffMenu Official on Instagram and Twitter.

Offmenupodcast.co.uk is our website.

I'm so proud of you.

Every time you get it right, I'm so proud of you.

There's also a list of restaurants on there.

I don't know how regularly they're being updated.

But every time someone mentions a restaurant on the podcast, it gets popped on the website.

hey you should also listen to dane's podcast dane baptiste questions everything

and i have been guests in the past fantastic stuff watch sunny d as well i'm not sure what platform any of these things are on because i'm bad at this but google it and watch it watch dane baptiste clips on youtube i can't wait for you to have your own chat show james on big c1 pretty cool uh so um russell crowe what what channels you film on he would tell me google it he would be really happy to tell me that who the fuck is this weirdo that's what he's doing He'd go,

so nice not to talk to a bloody kiss ass who knows all the details beforehand.

Thank you, James.

He'd knock you out, mate.

You didn't let me read my poem.

I'm going to slap you up against this wall.

I would let him read the poem.

You little lily-livered penis.

He wouldn't call me a lily-livered penis.

He would.

But I want to hang out with that guy over there, Benito.

Ah!

Benito, come over here.

I heard your laugh.

Yes, it here, get here.

Giddy, you little pip squeak.

I got you in your head locked now.

Listen to my perm.

Come here, I'm going to do a nooggie on Bonito.

Anyway, see you next week.

See you next week.

Bye.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhell here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7 p.m.

at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.