Ep 133: Tim Key

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

Taking the egg of conversation, wrapping it in the sausage meat of humor, rolling it in the breadcrumbs of anecdotes, and deep-frying it in the hot oil of the internet.

Yep, absolutely.

So,

as soon as you said about the sausage meat, I was like, yep, this writes itself.

Brilliant.

Hey, man, it's the first episode of the series, so of course I need to come out the gates with a good one.

You need to let them know.

We're not messing around.

This is a serious series.

This series is going to be one of the greats

go-down one

for all time.

Oh, wow.

It was good while it lasted.

Yep.

Okay, back to normal.

Hello.

James A.

Caster here.

That's Ed Gamble.

Hello.

And we own a dream restaurant.

Ed is the Maitre D.

I am a waiter and a genie.

And every week we welcome a guest and we ask them their favourite ever.

Starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Tim.

Tim Key.

Tim Key.

Tim Key.

Comedian.

Poet.

Actor.

Writer.

Writer.

So many things.

Well, those four things, mainly, I'd say.

Yes.

Jack of All Trades.

I wouldn't be surprised if Tim, you know, released a music album one day.

Yeah.

Master of all trades.

Master of all trades.

Jack of all trades, lest we forget, is an insult, I think.

Is it?

I feel like it feels like an insult.

Yeah, because the full phrase is Jack of All Trades, Master of None.

Yeah.

Sorry, Tim.

I didn't mean that.

Yeah.

Master of all trades, Jack of None.

Jack of None.

There we go.

Well, we're very happy to have the Jack of Nun on this week's episode.

He's about to release a book talking of one of his trades.

Yes, here we go, round the mulberry bush.

It's an anthology of poems and conversations from the outside.

This guy, last time I saw him, he'd just released a book.

And now there's another book to come.

He's been very prolific writing a lot during lockdown.

A lot of poems a lot of short stories a lot of like scripts it seems like go this book is beautiful flipping through it like the way it's all um laid out put together just a feast for the eyes even if you didn't bother reading this book and you just wanted to flick through it i'd say worth the money well good and i got a free one and i'm not going to read it yeah i'm going to put that on the pile of books of that my friends have written yep And I'm going to look at them all.

I'm going to go, lovely.

Aren't my friends clever?

Ed's very good.

He'll get the book and he'll time it just right that it's kind of like convincing that he might have started reading it and then he'll technically go, great book, mate.

Then you're like,

but no,

I will actually delve into Tim's.

Yes, rightly so.

I mean, yeah, it's all bite-sized bits, isn't it?

Because it's all poems and stuff.

So you can hack that.

Exactly.

And he's an actor.

He's in everything.

Most of the good British comedy shows of the last...

10 to 15 years Tim Key has been in.

They all call up Tim Key.

But even though he is a master of all trades, Jack of None, if he chooses a secret ingredient, an ingredient that we deem to be gross, then we will kick him out of the dream restaurant and he will get no dinner.

And this week's secret ingredient is Southern Comfort.

Southern Comfort.

Southern Comfort.

Disgusting.

It's really gross.

I think the first sip I had of Southern Comfort, I thought, oh, this is my new favourite drink.

And the second sip, I was like, I never want to drink this again.

Yeah.

I think when you start drinking, you think Southern Comfort and Jack Daniels are the most

the coolest

best drinks, especially with the sort of rock and roll reputation they both have.

Yes.

Certainly as a metal head and reading things like Kerrang and Metal Hammer, Southern Comfort would come up in interviews a lot as the cool thing that the rock stars drink.

And then you drink it and realise that they've got no taste for these guys.

Yeah, yeah, now you go, oh yeah, they were all like, you know, actually looking back, they were all people in their early 20s in metal bands who don't know what the hell they're on about.

Exactly.

Drinking Southern Comfort all the time.

No, horrible, horrible stuff.

So so they yeah awful

the jack daniels stuff really makes me laugh you should you should choose jack daniels one day because that was made out to be like the best whiskey yeah and uh all the adverts that are like oh jack daniels knew how to make whiskey and like all the like you know

black and white photos of all the people who work at the factory like it's the proudest thing ever and actually

i bet you go there and they're like this is not good whiskey there's bad stuff even the people working there must be like no coffee drinking this and And I always thought it was cool because Lemmy from Motorhead drank it.

Yeah.

And that guy was not well.

No, no, that guy, all the stories, you know, I, you know, as you know, it's always surprising you, uh, given my YouTube history and how much I just watch what everyone used to be in jackasses up to and stuff like that.

Um, I watched all of the speeches from Lemmy's funeral

and

on YouTube, and uh, they were all great speeches, but but uh, you know,

you

didn't leave you going I'm gonna live my life like that guy did after all those stories I once heard that Lemmy drank so much in the first sort of 40 years of his life that he tried to quit drinking and his doctor said you can't quit drinking because if if you go a day without a drink your body will reject its own liver

wow

I mean, even if that's not true, good story, whoever came up with it.

Yeah, thank you for coming up with it.

Tim Key might have come up with that.

Yeah, it might have been one of Tim Keys.

And Southern Comfort was suggested by Scott Allen on Twitter.

Or Alan Scott.

Who's to say?

Scott.

Yes.

Scott says.

He is.

Scott says.

Yeah, yeah.

Scott Allen.

And I'm going on tour, James.

Ah.

Doing my show Electric.

I'm doing that all over the UK.

It starts at the beginning of February.

It finishes at the end of April, this leg.

So go on my website, edgamble.co.uk, and check out if I'm coming near your house.

I probably am.

Okay, even if it's not near my house, I'm buying a ticket.

I'm going to be there at every show, everybody.

You'll see me in the audience.

And that's part of the challenge.

You find me somewhere.

I'll be sitting in the audience.

But don't try and find him during the show because that would be distracting.

Okay.

Let's crack on then.

If Tim Key says something comfort, he is out of here.

This is the off-menu menu of Tim Key.

Welcome, Tim Key, to the Dream Restaurant.

Well, thanks for having me.

Oh,

welcome, Tim Key, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Fantastic.

You like that?

Yeah, I didn't...

Well, the being expecting you for some time was interesting.

Yeah?

Go on.

Have you?

Yeah, well,

it's predetermined.

We've always known since the start of time, we know who is destined to come to the dream restaurant.

It was inevitable.

It's your destiny.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

It feels right.

I'm glad to be here.

It's a good atmosphere.

It is a good atmosphere.

We were just saying before we started is a good atmosphere, actually.

It's a good atmosphere, isn't it?

What do you look for in a restaurant atmos when you walk into a restaurant?

Water wheel.

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you ever add sound effects on at the end of this?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind a water wheel under.

For the whole episode, you want the water wheel?

Because I'd imagine that.

I think for the whole episode, otherwise, you'd have to explain how.

I mean, we could have it stop and then hear spanners and things as they sort of do maintenance on the water wheel.

Yeah.

All right.

You can do that, Benito.

That's all right, isn't it?

Benito's job, yes.

Sort of distant swearing.

Yeah.

Because they can't get this bloody water wheel going.

Maybe water sort of in the restaurant, people screaming.

Yeah.

A little bit Poseidon-y.

Okay.

Do it.

Have fun with it.

So you like it, but you like a water wheel in a restaurant?

Yeah.

I mean, obviously it's not bureaucratic.

I'd never eat out, would I?

No.

Ever put your finger in a water wheel?

Have I ever put my finger in a water wheel?

What do you mean?

If people aren't looking, you ever go.

What, are you saying, like, dab it in the water, or are you saying put it in the spokes?

Put it in the water.

Just feel the water.

Yeah, because it's...

kind of moving along.

Yeah, it's going to go over your hand?

Over your finger?

I haven't done that.

Would definitely do that.

Have you done that?

No, I've never done it, but I'd like...

As soon as I see a water wheel, you'd want to dunk your hand.

I want to put my hand in there.

I wonder if Ed has ever put his hand in there.

Do you want to ask him?

I can ask him for you if you're not feeling confident.

Oh, I'm confident.

I'll ask him.

Yeah, that's mad, you asking him.

Yeah.

It's mad.

Ed.

Yes.

Have you ever put your hand in a water wheel?

What's a water wheel?

Oh, okay.

So a.

Well, you know,

if you're at a working mill museum, right?

So, you know, when you see the enormous wheel that's being pushed.

On the side of the mill.

Sure, and it's been pushed by the river.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then that's what's crushing the grains and making flour?

That's your water wheel, the big wheel.

So do you want one that size in your restaurant, like a working mill in the restaurant?

Well, we can come onto that, but I'm asking if you did see that, would you put your hand in it?

No, that feels dangerous.

I'll tell you what I'd like to do.

I'd like to, if it's big enough, sit on one of the

paddles and go all the way around and under and then pop back up again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

yeah yeah you'd go under i'd go under mate yeah we used to have a we used to have a um sorry we used to have a um paternoster lift a what a paternoster lift at my university what's that i don't know what a water wheel is mate i'm not going to know what that is i think he's a he did the voice of the vatatoui

so he did like the floor three he did it did all that did he no look a patternosta lift is a lift that continues to move it's a lift with lots of platforms and and it's like a water wheel really and it goes down and at the bottom of its cycle it goes under and then comes back up and the way you get on the lift is when the platform comes past your floor.

There's no door.

As the platform comes past your door you walk onto it.

What?

Yes?

What do you mean what?

This sounds like something from a sci-fi film.

No, this is something from the Arts Tower in Sheffield.

Can you imagine it?

Have I explained it right?

Yeah I think so.

It sounds dangerous.

It sounds quite dangerous.

There's no door.

There's no door.

You just walk on on, for example, well, don't need an example, level two.

And then once you get to level eight.

Another example?

Level eight.

Yep.

You walk off.

But if you mistime it, or there's lots of people trying to get off, then you might sort of...

You're on it for the next sort of halfway.

You're on it, and then you either get off at level nine and then get down the other side.

Or I suppose you just...

You do have the option, if you're hung over, of going right up to floor 14,

over the top, top right back down and then when you get to level eight have another go and can you go over the top or is there a bit where it goes upside down you're not advised pardon me i was just saying in its platforms yeah do they then do they then go upside down and people are falling off at the top or

is it constantly flat in my head that that this all is all taking place in like one like vast like a mine shaft where you can just fall off the edge of this thing and go into oblivion do you know what when i first started my description I don't think I was at all getting my ideas across.

And I could have done with the phrase mine shaft, because I think that's exactly what it is.

You know,

when you have constantly moving...

I bet this is how they get up and down in mines.

Okay.

I do bet that.

Yeah, you bet that?

I bet that.

Okay.

So

that's the least I bet.

They've already caught on these lifts, I guess, then.

No, because, of course,

the classic Otis 12-person lift is the one that eventually took precedence.

But yeah, the Patanos lift is, you know, it's got some use, I think.

I mean, I enjoyed it at Sheffield.

Either once or you've been on there.

No, every day I'd be on there.

Did you ever miss your platform?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And would you be angry at that point?

I can't remember my emotions.

I think it was just sort of, that's annoying.

I have to get off at nine and then go back down to eight.

Yeah.

But what?

It sounds like you can fall off.

Yeah.

And die.

And die.

I don't remember there were any deaths.

I think they would have shut it down.

No one died, I don't think.

But they were like...

Better safe safe than sorry uh better safe than sorry I mean like it's pretty safe but sometimes you'd see someone who's almost missed their floor and now they're about three foot going on four foot five foot six foot and sometimes someone would think do you know what I'm just gonna go and they'd jump off

would you like one of those in your restaurant as well water wheel please just water wheel okay yeah

or another thing I like in a restaurant is a in an Indian restaurant is there's an Indian restaurant I go to sometimes and there's a sitar player.

Wow.

Lovely.

But what that chance is if people want to go and hear the sitar?

It just creates this fantastic ambience.

You're not going to name it.

You don't want people going to you?

It's fantastic.

He just sits there

leant against a wall just playing this sitar and it's just brilliant.

Because I like that anyway, an Indian restaurant, just sort of very nice, traditional background music.

But to have someone actually there playing it is brilliant.

Do you want him sat on the water wheel so occasionally the song sort of gets muffled and cut out as he goes underwater and then pops back out out again in terms of sound effects

well I certainly want

right that I certainly want him to arrive into the restaurant on a Peyton Oster lift yeah yeah yeah of course

and have had a problem getting off so he's got a sore head and he keeps playing the same sort of tiny bit of music

and I'd like to be western music yeah that's what you like is it

when you say traditional sitar music you want uh sitar music that you can go well that's what lovely traditional music you go hang on that's totally clip to the heart Wait a second, that's Enya.

He's mentioned Enya.

Ah, right.

No problem with Enya, isn't it?

That's a crossover, isn't it?

No more jockeys.

You may mention Enya a lot a lot.

Oh, yeah, Alex Horne mentions Enya a lot.

He's no more jockeys.

So you're stealing his stuff and bringing it on here.

Well, yeah, he can't get a gig on here, can't you?

He's got a gig on here.

We won't have him.

I'm doing this for me, Alex, and Mark.

Yeah, yeah, that's fair enough.

Yeah,

we're going to list this episode as featuring No More Jockeys.

I've had, I'd say, a fair few meals with you, Tim, and I think they've all been Indian meals.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You love it.

No.

No?

Oh, okay.

Well, I don't know.

What was that one in Edinburgh with me, you, Charlie, and Horn?

Yes, that was an Indian meal.

We were at that point.

And the restaurant was literally called Mother India.

Did I go Indian?

Yeah, you went Indian.

Yeah, I don't think there was any option, really, at Mother India.

Okay, Mother India.

Yeah, that would have been Indian India.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about another one?

What's that one in that week?

Curry in Shepherd's Bush.

Curry in Shepherd's Bush.

I've also had a curry with you at Shepherd's Bush, and it would have been in the same place, I'm pretty sure.

After a Bush haul gig.

How many curries a week do you reckon you're on now?

Now.

Yeah.

Wouldn't be now, as if I've cut down.

Right.

It's under control.

I would say, well, you know, it's my favourite style of food, I must admit.

Probably I'd have like Indian food maybe

three times a week that's pretty good going yeah I mean I love it I must admit

and every now and again I'll get a text from you oh but and sorry for Sri Lankan

yeah

yeah

thanks for filling in the gap so too much yeah thanks very much that's our next question

thought we're going to get four separate answers absolutely not

are you alternating those days?

So you go Sri Lankan, Indian, Sri Lankan, Indian, or are you going all four Sri Lankan in a block, then all three Indian in a block?

Yes, Indian at the weekend.

So, yeah, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Indian, and then, you know,

chilling the working week.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Chicken Sacuti.

Well, we'll come on to that, won't we?

Is that in the...

Oh, if that's it.

Oh, don't.

Let's

come on to that, won't we?

Oh, we've got something in front of us here.

What is this?

Oh, that's...

We've got something in a little bag.

It's a little bag.

Let's pull it out and see what it is.

Oh,

it's here we go around the mulberry bush.

An anthology of poems and conversations.

Brackets from outside by Tim Key.

By Tim Key.

A beautiful cover.

No picture again.

Not gone with a picture of yourself?

No, not gone with a picture of myself because, you know, we're not attached to a large publishing house, so no pressure.

Oh, do you see when people have pictures of themselves on books that there's pressure from the publishing house?

They really like it.

Yeah.

Because they say, look, you're on telly, mate, and we need to give these people people an underarm.

They need to know that the chap from the telly wrote this book.

Yeah.

That's what you get in the emails when you write a book with a large publishing house.

But if you can't get a contract with a large publishing house because your stuff has become niche, then you are completely at liberty just to have some sort of weird design stuff on the front.

Well, I'm looking around here.

I can't see any publishing.

Publishers are.

Well, it's published by a company called Utter and Press, but also that is just one person, weirdly.

So they don't put their logo on the outside, aren't they?

No, they're very modest.

They leave you to it, and there's nothing.

They leave you to it is a great phrase.

Yeah, yeah.

They seem to have left you to it.

I love companies who just leave you to it.

McVities do that a bit, don't they?

Yeah.

Have you worked with them a lot?

No, they just let you get on with it, yeah.

As a consumer.

Yeah, I've got a relationship with McVitie's where I don't really have to mention them, but they don't pay me any money.

Let you on with it.

Do you like McVitie's?

I don't mind.

Yeah.

McVities, what do you think about them, James?

Yeah, like, I mean, the caramel biscuit one.

Yeah.

Yeah, you like that?

Yeah, with the chocolate caramel.

Yeah, that's one of the greats.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, for me, the flagship is the dark chocolate digestive.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

That's the flagship for me.

I mean, the flagship is the plain digestive.

Obviously, that's the ultimate flagship.

Yes.

But did I say ultimate flagship?

No, you just said the flagship.

Well, the flagship would be the dark chocolate.

You said the flagship for me.

The flagship for me.

But then I don't know if a flagship can be subjective.

is but what I would say is I would say James is right there what I would say is the ultimate flagship has to be just the digestive but I would say that flagship suggests ultimate anyway yeah there's one flagship it's the ultimate flagship yeah it's the plain digestive what would you say is the flagship of Plosif Productions well it's Benito isn't it yeah

Bonito's the flagship well I would say he's the ultimate flagship the ultimate flagship and then off menu's the flagship yes great yeah and I'm the flag guest yes yeah

Tim tell us about the book.

Oh, right, yeah.

Well, the book is, you know, Trapped in Lockdown.

Started writing, and this is a collection of poetry and dialogues set in Lockdown 3, actually.

I wrote a book about Lockdown 1, which is called He Used Thought as a Wife, and that's out as well.

But, you know, this is the one I'm currently pushing.

Lockdown 2 didn't get a book?

Lockdown 2 was a little bit.

I don't know what your experience was of Lockdown 2.

It was a bit blink and you miss it, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

You'd do well to write a book in that.

Well, also, I was filming at that point.

Sure.

So all this stuff about...

I've written a book in Lockdown 3.

Sorry, Ed.

I do acting and writing.

Go on.

Filming in Lockdown 2 and wrote another book in Lockdown 3.

Did you ever think you're actually going to make people feel really bad?

People who didn't do anything?

Oh, right.

Well...

People who weren't motivated to do all this stuff.

No, because I also think it was fine.

You you listen to the radio and stuff and they say it's also fine just to relax and reset in those lockdowns.

Yeah.

You you and Bo Burnham absolutely doing a number and everything.

I don't think you're particularly quiet way.

Feels like you too.

I'm not losing sleep over you.

Let's put it that way.

You get stuff done.

You seemed to continue your podcast throughout.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then as the lockdowns eased, you would do things like a short run at Edinburgh or

marry your sweetheart.

I cancelled the run in Edinburgh, but I did do the marriage thing.

And then

then you went back to Edinburgh to honour those dates.

Yes, I did, yeah.

Yeah.

Tim is across my diary, by the way.

Well, it's because when you cancelled your dates, I took them.

Yeah.

I'm not saying,

I don't want to drill down too much on the pecking order here, but yes, it needed you to sort of get married and cancel your dates for me to actually do a run in the monkey barrel.

Yeah.

I watched.

You watched what?

I was in the audience, I sort of saw one of your shows.

One of my shows.

Yeah.

Yeah, you did come along, actually.

Yeah, I did.

And then we had a couple of drinks after, didn't we yeah yeah you wanted a curry but everyone was like

what

i could never tell whether this is an insult me liking indian food no it's not at all good it seems you seem very transfixed by indian food can i be honest yes i went on sunday brunch have you ever done that yes um well i mean i'm sure your experiences were awkward but mine i think was next level i'm i'm chopping an onion and um at one point they say no you really like indian food don't you and i went um yeah i did i don't know why why he'd said that Yeah, I do like Indian food.

Anyway, he didn't say anything back.

And then I sort of became aware that I'd finished chopping the onion and he hadn't spoken since I'd started chopping the onion.

So I think I did about 45 seconds where I'm just chopping an onion.

Yeah.

And that is very different from sort of promoting a book.

People love that, though.

That's why people tune into Sunday Brunson.

Do you know what I like about Sunday Bunch?

Yeah.

You go on as a guest and they just let you get on with it.

Yeah, they do.

They get as a shit.

I mean, that is the ultimate.

They really do.

They keep your mug topped up, you know, they shove some of the stuff that they've been cooking over to you.

You go, yeah, that's fine.

And then for a bit, you sort of drink gin and sort of go, yeah, this is mad because it's half eleven.

And then you sort of spill out onto the street, lashed, and sort of go, well, I won't do that again.

And then a couple of years later, there you are again.

Sort of sat next to Jason Donovan and hoping for the best.

Now, James, can I start with the sparkling water?

Do you want the sparkling water to also be in the water wheel?

Good.

Are you dunking the cup in the water wheel?

I'm dunking my cup into the sparkling water wheel.

Yeah.

I don't want, honestly, people are like piranhas out there.

They'll latch onto that and think that I'm up myself if I'm having a sparkling water water wheel.

Yeah.

So I'll have a tap water water wheel, please.

And a sparkling water large bottle on the table with a glass with ice and lime.

Thank you, James.

Thank you.

Why are you worried about what people will think of you if you pick a sparkling water water wheel?

I don't want, honestly, I don't need the backlash.

I don't need the backlash that's inevitably going to come if I ask for a sparkling water water wheel.

Because that's literally, you know, 3,000 gallons of sparkling water.

Yeah.

And, you know, some poor sod having to sort of keep opening the old Highland spring and pour it in as it's sort of going around.

And honestly, I can't be doing with having the backlash.

Having the tweets.

No, I can't.

So I think I'll have a tap water water wheel please um what's the most amount of backlash you've ever got for something

um

i don't

got a little bit this week actually yeah yeah yeah because i played a um i played a guy in um ricky gervaise's show afterlife and um i go on a date with diane morgan and i keep telling us to get our elbows off the table and uh i'm not very nice to her and um yeah it's a bit of backlash where people are saying yeah that guy's a fucking cunt about me

sometimes someone underneath would go oh yeah but he's not a nice guy and he does he does yeah he does live stuff that's that's acting yeah he's a cunt i'd have hit him

so um yeah i'll get tap water tap water water wheel please and um sparkling water any particular brand of sparkling water oh now you're asking not really but like it's a large glass bottle.

Yeah.

I really like that when it sort of, you know, clonks down.

Yeah.

yeah and then

but but i mean what are your ratios for how many people are getting still water i mean i can't understand that i'm not sure i bet someone out there knows what the ratios are it's me i think it's still water's probably in the lead but then also what you've done is you've got yourself a situation where you you can have still if you want because you can dunk your cup in the water wheel yeah or or cut my hand in the water wheel huh cut your hand in the water wheel

it's a cut your hand in the water while cup in the cup yeah cut my hand in the water wheel or even um you know dunk my head would you do that um well it it depends what I'm drinking with the meal, doesn't it?

We shall see.

I mean, if I'm lashed, I can imagine a head dunk.

I think if you're dunking your head, when you pull your head out, you've got to shout something.

Oh, yeah.

What am I shouting?

Well, you tell me.

Just go in the moment.

Visualize it.

Okay, well, on one second, yeah, I mean, okay.

Dunky-headed.

Oh, yeah.

Are you shouting something before you dunk as well?

Are you sitting there?

Oh,

sorry.

I know what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I like he, but loud.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Example?

I like he,

yeah, Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is quite, this is a newer thing for you, Tim, I'd say, in the last couple of times we've seen each other.

A lot of words now end with E.

Oh, that's really interesting.

Yeah.

I've noticed that.

Yeah, I have noticed that.

I think last time we did a gig together, you kept sticking your feet straight out on the sofa and shouting chippies at the top of your voice.

That's because there were chips on the table.

Oh, we've got the stats.

We've got the stats.

Oh, right, okay.

And I'll tell you you what, it's 60 for still.

Yeah.

59 for Sparkle.

Whoa.

You've just level pegged it.

You've level pegged it, mate.

Is it really?

Yeah.

60 all.

Yeah.

At the time of recording.

At the time of recording.

At the time of recording.

Pop it ups or bed!

Pop ups or bread, Timkey.

Pop it up as your bed.

Point this question.

We know what he's going to say.

No, we don't.

We don't know what I'm going to say.

Well, the thing is, there's so, so much.

I mean, you've probably covered this, but there's so much nice bread out there.

We haven't actually ever touched on that.

Well, I love bread.

So,

if you want to just go straight into it.

Well, I happen to love bread.

Yeah.

And some of my favourite breads that I would like to start with in these restaurants are: I do like a garlic bread.

Sucker for it.

Yeah.

But I probably would never open with it in a restaurant because you're usually an Italian place and I usually have a pizza.

So it's mad to have garlic bread and then a pizza.

Especially when the garlic bread comes in a pizza format, right?

Format was interesting there.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Did you say formatty?

Formatty.

Can do.

I mean, I don't think you should be telling me everything I have to say.

Well,

we'll see.

Sometimes when you order, you don't know what format the garlic bread's going to come in, right?

So you might be in an Italian restaurant and you go, go on, I have a bit of garlic bread before my pizza.

And then it comes and it's a pizza, and you know you've got another pizza on the way.

So you might have one thing in your thought bubble above your head, and then when it's placed in front of you, that doesn't match up with your thought bubble.

Yes, exactly.

One of Ed's favourite.

Ed Gamble?

Ed Gamble.

Yes.

One of his favourite dishes is the Marmite and garlic cheese bread.

Yeah, cheese and marmite garlic bread from Yard Sale Pizza.

He loves it.

So I regularly get that and then a pizza and it really is double pizza to me.

No, I've never seen that or heard of it.

Yeah, I mean, look, you're talking to someone who

used to go to a cafe where they would do a

cheese, onion and marmite toasty.

And I wasn't exactly swerving it, let's put it that way.

Yeah.

Was this something that was on their menu anyway, or was it specifically for you?

It wasn't on their menu.

It was an Indian restaurant.

I'd have to take the whole lot in.

This is Masala Zone.

They would do that at Masala Zone, to be honest.

It's not on the menu, but if you ask for it.

Yeah.

Look at it, boys.

And if you bring some Warburtons and Marmalite, they're more than happy.

And the Brevel.

Oh, and the Brevel.

Can I plug in?

Do you need to charge your phone?

Sort of.

No, I need to make a starter.

Ever had a Brevel?

We don't know, actually.

I mean, I've got a George Foreman grill.

That's not making a toasted sandwich, though.

No, is it?

No, it's not.

But, I mean, even you would have seen with the intonation that I was going to say some more stuff.

Surely.

Well, you left a big pause, and you can't.

The George Foreman, the whole idea is to drain the fat off what you're making.

If you're doing a cheese sandwich in that, all the best bits pissing into the little tray.

You think I'm draining cheese?

No, exactly.

Don't use a George Foreman for a toastie.

That's what I'm saying.

I agree with you.

If you want to make a toaster, I haven't had a toasted sandwich maker since university.

And a toaster sandwich maker, that's the point.

It's a discreet maker of toasted sandwiches.

You can't do anything else in it.

You're putting everything you need in.

You're buttering the top.

You're buttering the bottom.

You're buttering everything.

I mean, I'm buttering my tongue.

I mean, everything, butter everywhere.

And then slam it down.

And then that stuff is, you know, you're making something that is crispy and dangerously hot.

And actually, it's not enjoyable to eat.

I think you're wrong.

I've just bought a Brevil, reintroduced one to our life.

It's changed my life.

It has changed his life.

I've said the wrong thing.

It's lovely to eat.

It's lovely to eat.

I've really done it this time.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Backlash alert.

So, what are you using to make your toasted sandwiches?

I'm not making toasted sandwiches.

I'll do them under the grill sometimes.

And actually, you know, there's something to be said for that because it's sort of quite old school and it's sort of

a version of a toasted sandwich.

There's no shame in it, certainly, I don't think.

Look, I mean, we're going down a rabbit hole.

The point being, I like lots of different types of bread.

Yes.

And, you know, we can't obviously touch upon them all right now.

Candy?

Top three?

Okay.

I would say

a fresh.

Well, that's not.

This isn't the way that you meant to list the top three.

Oh, number three.

Yeah,

number three.

And then you say, hello.

Oh, sorry.

Number three.

Hello.

I've just got a fresh baguette from a belingerie in France.

Lovely.

Bite the end off on the way home?

Could do that?

Might do.

Nibble the end?

Nibble the end and might, to be fair, stick the old pour in and scoop out some dough.

Really?

Maybe.

From the middle.

Yeah, from the middle.

Number two.

Hello.

I appear to have just found some granary bread from a traditional English bakery.

Very nice.

Just covering off any backlash you might have from patriots there.

Yes.

You said French and then you were like, you started to worry that the old Union Jack Twitter profiles would be coming for you?

Yes, exactly.

And just to take one outside of Europe, number one, hello.

Hello.

I've just found a naan and oh, that's a a shame.

I've found, I've found some red mints in it.

That's a keem.

It's a shame that you found the red mints.

A little bit of a wink there.

I appear to have got a keeman.

And sometimes I'll get a keem.

And actually, I'm not averse to putting the keema naan in the toaster in the morning.

Really?

Yeah, and having that with some poached eggs.

Oh, lovely.

And that is what is known as

a lifestyle choice.

Do you count that as one of your three Indian meals in the week?

No, that don't count.

No, no, that's a bonus.

No, that's a bonus.

That's floating Indian.

Freebie there.

That's a freebie.

Yeah.

That's a freebie.

Yeah.

Lovely.

I mean, so is that your bread that you want?

Is it the key management?

Nope, I'm taking poppadoms.

Okay.

Because actually.

So James was right, immediately.

James was right.

I actually love the...

Look, it's a process, isn't it?

And it's a...

It's a performance, you know.

That whole, can we get some pop-a-doms?

And then those dips come and, you know, some twerp in your party, karate chops the pop-a-doms.

Can I just say, you say twerp.

Oh, yeah, oh, God.

I can totally imagine you being that person.

It's you every time.

It must be you every time, leaning over with that look.

When you go, you glaze over and you turn into a chimp.

You do.

You turn into a mischievous chimp and you do things like smash the pop-a-doms.

You love that.

Or you lean over and you look at us all cheekily and you say schlimey mother and then you chop it.

No.

You've done that before.

No, no, no, no.

No, and I'll tell you.

No, no, no, and I'll tell you why, because I don't chop it, I slap it.

Okay, yeah, okay.

You don't chop, you slap.

I slap.

Slaps better than the chop.

Well, I think the slap's more spectacular because, I mean, it is carnage.

And no one can get any, no one can find a shard after that that's large enough to actually

go into a dip and come out alive.

And the reason people are chopping it is because it's a bit more courteous.

It's the thin side of your hand.

You're going full palm, just slapping the whole thing.

You lick the palm and then palm straight down on the popped on.

Shalomy, mother.

Yeah, sparkling water and pop a dumb, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's chaos key coming in there.

Yeah, where you turn up.

I'd also get a drink at that point, I think.

Yeah, sure.

And so maybe it's worth getting the drink now.

I think so, yeah.

Is it the first of many?

Are you switching it up or are you one drink all night?

I'll keep the same drink all night, I reckon.

Okay, so we're going to do drink now.

Interesting.

We do drink now.

We can do it later.

I don't want to bugger it.

I don't want to bug the format.

No, come on.

If it's something you'd normally get it.

Well, I'll probably get a.

You're talking a.

What's happening here?

Cobra?

Rising out of the basket.

No, I wouldn't get a cobra rising up out of the basket.

No, I think I'll be playing my

flute and having a kingfisher rising out of the basket.

Bit of a surprise for everyone.

You think you know what's going to come out of that basket?

I think I'm probably crouching.

What's the difference?

I think I just prefer the flavour of Kingfisher, but you know, you're right.

I mean, my taste buds are as add-old as yours.

I don't know.

And actually, it's not my favourite drink.

I mean, it's just thinking it's a circumstantial thing where it is the perfect bedfellow for poppadoms and dips.

So this is interesting.

Some people choose to just pick their favourites out of everything and it doesn't necessarily go together as a meal.

Yeah.

You're very much here to have a consistent meal that all goes together.

Are you asking me or telling me?

I'm sort of doing both.

Yeah.

Well, actually, you should do neither.

Right, okay.

Because that's not what I'm doing, and you'll see that when I order my starter.

Interesting.

But you've got the kingfisher, so you've got a drink to accompany the poppadoms.

Yeah.

So that's why I'm asking.

Maybe we'll switch to another drink later.

Maybe we will, because you're going to have egg on your face in a minute when I mention my starter.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Anyone who's in a gig with you in Bush Hall knows that the whole night is you talking about who's going to go for an Indian after this.

Oh, I do my set as well.

Who's coming?

Yeah, but your set is mainly talking about the Indian, isn't it?

You think my set is mainly me muttering into the microphone now then?

There's one, I think there's one on

Goldhawk Road.

Yeah, I'm doing, I will tell a joke.

To be fair, Tim, that doesn't sound completely different to what your sets are like Wow I'm gonna I mean it's a struggle, but I'm gonna have to try and take that as a compliment But I don't know whether I'm gonna get that one across the line quite

You think my sets are me muttering to myself and occasionally noticing there's an audience

Would you not be tempted Tim with your pop-adoms to have a lovely glass of Indian wine now then now why do you think this has come up?

I think this has come up because I sometimes buy you wines from around the globe.

Tim's got into a little habit of buying me wines from around the globe.

That's nice.

Oh, there's no shame in that.

Lovely.

He goes quite obscure, I'd say.

Well, he doesn't try to go obscure.

He finds himself going obscure.

There's nothing I'd like to do more than buy you

a French red, but that just hasn't been an option thus far.

Turned up at my house.

It was a very nice, very nice gesture on I guess what should have been.

our wedding day.

Yeah.

Mine and my wife's, not mine and Tim's.

With a bottle of wine.

He was on his bike.

He just stood outside the house.

Complete surprise.

Lovely.

He went, I bought you a bottle of wine.

It's Israeli wine.

Nice.

I bought it from a shop.

The man pushed me towards it.

I was like, what sort of shop was it?

He went, it was a kosher shop.

So it was a lovely bottle of Israeli wine.

He only had Israeli wine in the end.

I found this out sort of sort of gradual dawning as I was looking around the whole shop and sort of seeing, I don't know, like French, Australian, Chilean.

But actually every single label I looked at said Israeli.

And eventually you sort of have to get the Israeli wine, which I hadn't heard much about, I must say.

It wasn't really flashing that brightly on the old radar, the old Israeli wine.

Well,

I did drink that and it was it was fine, I'd say.

Yes, it's not certainly not a slogan that they should be headlining their advertising radio, but I did drink that and it was fine.

The Indian wine I've still got.

Still going on that one?

Still going on that one.

I'm not sure how that one's going to be because I did look up the reviews of that one.

Uh-huh.

There were only two reviews, and I think it was hovering at around a sort of 1.7 out of 5.

Ooh, with two reviews.

Yeah.

And one of them was 0.

Yeah.

One was a 0.

Yeah.

So a 0 and a 3.4.

A 0 and a 3.4.

And the 3.4, I'm pretty sure, was one of the winemakers.

That's amazing if you've made the wine, you're giving it 3.4.

Yeah.

I can't, in all good consciousness, give this five.

I will drink it, though.

I'll tell you what, when this episode comes out, I will do a tasting.

Oh, nice.

I'll put it online.

Tasting of the Indian wine.

Oh, nice.

Well, he said stuff like this before, and he doesn't do it.

He said that he'd eat a poppadum sandwich in the bath, and he's never done that.

And he swore blind that he'd do it.

That's a great idea.

All right, well, if I drink the Indian wine, will you film yourself having a poppadum sandwich in the bath?

Yeah, I'll do that.

Yeah, I mean, that is ultimate Tim Key, isn't it?

Being in the bath eating poppadums.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's

you can't get more Tim Key than that.

Yeah, that's Peak Tim Key.

I love a bath, I love Poppadom's, but I've never combined them.

Yeah, I must.

So you film yourself doing that?

Yeah.

And Ed will do the wine tasted.

Do you want me to film it?

Okay.

You can't send a crew?

Send Benito around?

It'd be nice to have Benito.

I mean, it's a bit of a cramped bathroom, but I'm sure you could get your equipment in.

I will wear trunks.

I'll put that out there now.

I'll wear little black trunks.

Yes.

LBTs.

LBTs.

I'll put the LBTs on.

If I'm being filmed, he's going to pop it on sandwich in the bath.

Yeah.

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Let's get on to this starter that apparently is going to blow Ed's mind.

Well, it's not going to blow it, but like, I just feel like he's got a reading.

He thinks he's got a reading.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

I think we're on an Indian meal now.

So I think you are about to change my mind.

Okay.

I'm going to go for the...

Can I take the baked camemon bear, please, James?

Oh.

Yes, you may.

Yeah, you've surprised me there.

Yeah, yeah.

You have surprised me.

Yeah, baked camemon bear.

So why are we veering off here?

What's so glorious about the baked camember that it beats all of the...

Have you had baked camembert yeah yeah i think it's fantastic i love it yeah yeah yeah uh i mean it's just so um decadent it's very hearty also i get i think i started to play the system here because i would imagine i probably get get to have bread with this yeah yeah i guess so unless i mean you could also you could dip a shard or two of popadom in there couldn't you i don't think i want to um i don't think i want those two things to

cross the streams that's

that's exactly the phrase i was looking for i don't want to cross the streams right okay but you don't think you'd be tempted i wouldn't even be tempted to but would i be tempted to dunk poppadoms in a cheese just to see what it was like i think that'd be great do you think so right here we go spicy poppadom dunked in camembert with a little bit of mango chutney on the top i think that would be absolutely incredible you know more about food than me i wouldn't even know where to start with that that's insane it's just cheese and crackers with chutney then I think you might have to have a reinforced poppadum because I think you know what you're trying to pick up here it's not child's play the um the camembert.

It's like, depending on how late into the proceedings it is,

when it first comes out of the oven, when you first cracked the white, you know, sort of soft shell of the exterior with the cracked black pepper and the olive oil,

once you've cracked that.

And how are you cracking that?

Palms flat?

I think I'd have to go chop.

I'd have to go chop for that.

That would be too much carnage.

Shall I be mother and then straighten

straight in?

I did a shall I be mother to Alex Horne once, and I must say,

it was in Edinburgh, and his parents were there.

And I did a shall I be mother, and it was with a pie.

And actually,

there was a slight element of people looking at Horne as if to say, he probably shouldn't be mother.

But I think if you're ordering a pie, and no, I don't know whether I agree with this now.

I was going to say if you're ordering a pie, you're sort of slightly taking your life into your own hands, but actually, you should be allowed to have a pie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not on them.

So, when you say you did it to a a pie, you did shall I be mother and slap the pie?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I don't think

there's a couple of things here.

I think you're trying to get into the get into the community, the idea that I have a catchphrase, which is, shall I be mother?

Oh, don't you worry.

That's already, that's done now.

Yeah, that's done.

That's crystalline.

There will be people across the country having Indian meals saying, shall I be mother?

and then slapping the pump.

That's happening, is it?

Yeah.

And then explain it.

Is that the power of this podcast?

That is the power of this podcast.

Shall I be mother is now part of the world?

The horrible horrible power this podcast has.

I mean, the irony is I'm going to start doing that, and I've never done that before.

Yeah.

Not with the catchphrase.

I think you have.

I think you definitely have to do that.

Not with the catchphrase.

That's how the government member you do, is that

so, yeah,

I'm not, I must say, spearing my camembert with my poppa dom.

The poppa dum is done, the waiter's taken away the poppa dom, and actually they've now changed their waiting staff to be slightly more French.

And they've delivered me a camembert with the French bread and I'm just, you know, horrible phrase, smearing cheese.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's part of the dream meal as well is that the people bringing you the different courses, they're from the nations where the dishes are from as well.

That's fantastic.

Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

Oh, sorry, you were asking me.

I was asking, do you want that?

Of course not.

Ed,

it's very difficult for you to tell if Ed's asking a question or doing a statement.

Do you know what?

I like Ed.

Fool is full as full.

No, I do.

Not putting you against it.

No, no, no, but I do like like it.

But what I would say is

I will take a glass of red wine, actually, at this stage, James.

Thank you.

From France or from Israel or India?

No, I'll take an Israeli French, please.

I'll have that with the...

I'll have that with the

Camembert.

A lovely glass of redemption.

With the Camembert and

fresh French bread.

Well, let me ask you this.

You got the fresh French bread.

Yeah.

Baguette.

You've taken it back from the bakery, maybe.

You've nibbled the top off.

You've eaten the inside, like you said, you do sometimes.

you've almost hollowed it out.

Yeah.

Do you want to just pour in the camembert liquid cheese into the middle of that baguette just to see what that's like?

Have a bite.

I would not at all be against that.

You wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't be against that.

I know.

I went on a real word.

But my real worry is that actually I don't think the phrase pour is quite right.

I mean on paper, I suppose this is a dream restaurant, isn't it?

But in a dream restaurant, I think you're pouring it in and that's that's going splendidly.

But I think in real life,

it starts,

I think you're almost getting clumps out with your hand and forcing it in.

You do a lot with your hands, don't you?

Can I have cutlery at this meal?

Yeah.

I can?

Yeah.

Oh.

I'll take the cutlery.

Because we've had a lot of time.

So if we're slapping the popper dump,

you're gulping from your hands that you've scooped the water up with.

Oh, that's true.

Well, you wouldn't expect me to fork into my mouth, to be fair to you.

It's just a lot going on with your hands, which is fine.

There's a lot going on with my hands.

Yes.

Would you say that to any of your guests?

You know,

your high-profile guests, would you use phrases like, there's a lot going on with your hands?

Only the ones who turn up and so far every single course has been eaten with your hands.

Yeah.

We'd have to

flag it up.

You're very instinctive.

You're like a little bear running around.

Do you know what?

There's another dish that's that's on my books here, which is also very much

it's with the pincers because I don't think there's not a person in the world who would eat my side dish with a knife and fork.

Okay, good to know.

Yeah.

Are you putting garlic cloves in the camembert before you bake it?

Maybe some rosemary?

Yes, I'll do both of those things, I think.

Both.

Yeah.

Rosemary can take a hike, in my opinion.

Oh, no fan of rosemary.

Nope.

Have you used rosemary in any cooking?

I don't use it, but I've had it before in dishes and I've never been a fan of it.

What about if it's with its sort of natural bedfellow, the old sheepie?

I'll accept it if it's with the sheepie, but

I'm going to eat round it.

I don't want to.

I personally, you've hit on a bit of a bugbear of mine.

I hate the phrase eat round.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's appalling.

Go on.

There's nothing to go on.

I just...

Eat round.

Yeah.

Just get on with it.

You want to eat through.

When was the last time you ate round?

Well, the point would be when I'm eating the sheepie in there some rosemary in there.

But like...

Do you like the flavour of rosemary?

Or are you just eating round the leaves because of the texture right i don't like the leaves because the texture but i also don't really like the the flavour of it that much hey james doesn't do much for me in future why don't you flick off and eat through yeah maybe i mean look you can flick off when they're not looking you know the people you're eating with and then you can just eat through otherwise you're i mean you don't would you eat round in company oh no not probably not in company but you wouldn't flick off in company would you to be fair you wouldn't have sheepie if you're not in company when would you when would you have sheepie on your own you wouldn't have solo sheepie would you no who's roasting a sheepie on their own

you can't don't tell me what to do in company.

You've quite jumped a pie and said, Shall I be mother in company?

Well, I haven't said shall I be mother.

And it was a slap.

He slapped a pie in front of his parents.

What was in the pie?

Um, I'm just trying to remember it on his mother's blouse.

I think it was sort of fun,

certainly gravy.

So there must have been some lumps of um

was it sheepie?

I don't know, I think it was beefy.

I think it was beefy, both of them.

Yeah, beefy.

Oh, you don't want that in the pie.

Hey, I want to know about your main course the one I've got down in my mind's eye is

but I don't know what you know

this is the one I'm least kind of Decisive about I've gone for a chicken shakuti Yes, you guessed it.

Yeah, and this means a lot.

I introduced you to this.

Yeah, you did and I think you introduced yeah me and uh me and James played um a gig in Shoreditch probably about seven years ago, I reckon.

And then we went for an Indian.

James was desperate to see.

In Sheba's Bush.

Yeah, I was desperate.

Yeah, he ordered one.

And he said, I always get a chicken shakuti.

And I'd not heard of it.

And I had it.

And yeah, I always look for it now on the menu.

It's a fantastic dish, isn't it?

Yeah.

Talk me through it.

I've never had one.

Never heard of it.

Talk Edric.

So it's difficult to talk people through it.

But like, so I got into it because when I worked at one of the pubs I worked at, they just started stocking him.

He's got such a humble backstory.

It's fantastic.

You literally worked in a pub.

You're a superstar now.

And you started off just pulling points for people.

That's mad.

I was in the kitchen.

You weren't even allowed to go.

No, no, no, it wasn't in front of house.

No, no.

Just this sort of, you know,

nankey drink of water, just sort of, you know,

his white gown covered in spaghetti.

Now look at what's

three Netflix specials for?

Four piece.

Yeah, there we are.

White gown.

White gown?

What?

White gown?

A white gown.

That was a bride.

Yeah, white covered in spaghetti.

A bride covered in spaghetti.

The runaway porter.

That was my beginnings.

Carrying out massive black sacks with meat juice sort of splaying onto his travers.

Now look at you.

Exactly.

You know, you're like you're hosting TV shows.

You've got a very popular podcast.

You're part of the conversation.

You are.

Yeah.

So you were working in

this kitchen out back.

Yeah, Zakuti.

And so we've started doing this.

Have you picked a curry based on the one you like to say the most and the one that sounds funniest in the middle?

So on the thing it was spelled X-A-C-U-T-I.

Yeah.

And we were told to say it Zakuti.

Yeah.

Tim has, I think, done his research a bit more and goes with a bit more of it.

Well, yeah, I've spent a couple of weeks preparing for the pod.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's proper.

Chicken shot.

But it just meant that every time I saw it on a menu, I just had some weird personal connection to it because we had so many of them for so long in the kitchen.

And it wouldn't always be on an Indian menu, but every time it was, I'd go for it.

And then I said it to Tim.

Yeah, like a lot of things that I say on this podcast, where like you and Benito will say, that's the most boring thing you've ever said on the podcast.

I remember being in the restaurant and saying to Tim, I'm going to get a chicken circuit.

Because I always get one when there's one on the menu.

I thought to myself, well, that's the most boring thing I've ever said.

And then Tim went, I'm going to get one as well.

And I go, oh yeah, because luckily I'm talking to Tim,

who appreciates.

I'm very yes and.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd say so.

Do you know what my brother gets when he's at an Indian restaurant?

No.

Right.

Any idea?

Any guess?

I'm going to go for...

Joe Frazy?

No.

What does it say, Joe Frazy?

Always the same.

Always the same.

Always the same.

It's always on the menu.

No, not a Boona.

Tikka Masala.

He gets a chicken curry.

His thinking is that is their standard.

That's what they've nailed that and they base every single dish on that.

He's thinking, I'm gonna get that as sauce.

It's like drinking fresh milk straight out of the udder.

Yeah, he gets a chicken curry.

He doesn't waste his time worrying, vexating about all this other stuff that's on the menu.

He'll have a chicken curry.

Now, I'm the other way.

I like going to an Indian restaurant.

It's fantastic.

But I'll pour over that menu looking for stuff and just think, I don't know what I'm getting.

So I don't really have a go-to.

But

that's the beauty of the chicken Jakuti.

It's not on every menu.

So when it's on, if I see it, I will usually get that and often um text james yeah

don't know what it is no one's told me what it is but here's what's great about it and tim might agree with me here is that

i will definitely agree i don't care what you say yes and he's a yes and aside from the chicken everything else just seems to be up for grabs yeah it is like it is one of it is one of the most up for discussion dishes i've seen in my life yeah every time i order it i actually don't know what i'm about to get and I don't think I've ever had two the same, even from the same restaurant.

There's a place near me that does it, and I've got it several times from there.

So there's no official chicken chikuti.

There was a period of time where I...

They just leave them to it.

Well there was definitely a bit where I thought, well, there's definitely coconut, but I don't think there always is.

I think it's sort of, you know, you know, come one, come all.

I mean, I think if you've got coconut, bang it in, but actually, there's no shame in putting some cashews and seeing your salutes.

Yeah.

So according to the official Wikipedia, here we go.

What is in here?

So you're telling me this is this is useless, really, because no matter where you go, it's different anyway.

Well, that's what I find, but that's that's with my you know well that's what I also find exactly the same thing.

Well, you're yes and yeah, yes, and you have to say that so it's got poppy seeds in it, yeah.

I've never detected that before, sliced or great grated coconut, um,

large dried red chilies.

It definitely is it's got some spice.

Oh, it's got a bit of kick, yeah.

That's the beauty of it.

It's not a corner, we have it uh chicken lamb or beef, yeah, and it's known as chacuti in Portuguese, right?

Oh, it's interesting to round off your Wikipedia reading with what it's called in Portuguese.

Do you always do that?

Yeah.

Most of the time.

Me too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, and.

Yes, and.

Yes, Anderson.

I mean, it's delicious.

Oh, it's fantastic.

Yeah, I have it with some rice usually.

Yeah.

What kind of rice do you go for in there?

Do you know what I sometimes have?

Plain rice.

Are you?

I quite like plain rice.

See, this is exactly the thing you were making fun of your brother for.

Yes, it is, actually.

Oh, I wasn't making fun.

I was describing my brother's behaviour.

In such a way as...

Yeah.

In a way, you'll never guess what my brother does.

If If people want to have fun with the information, then they're more than happy to.

My brother has fun with it.

Yeah, yeah.

My brother tells people, and he can't believe he's saying it.

Yeah.

He knows.

Would he have plain rice as well?

Would he have chicken curry and plain rice?

Probably would.

Yeah, probably would.

But I mean, you're talking about a guy who last week got a train to the lake district, climbed Helvellyn, came back down and got home the same day.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, took photos of himself on the top of it.

I mean, it looks, well, you could say it looks sort of pretty or snowy, but actually dangerous, I would say.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

just climb that in January he's home by 11 he's climbed Helvelly

I mean to be fair he lives in Kendall

what's interesting about this so we've had one guest in the past who's really gone all in on like you know Indian food and they went for an Indian basically yeah and that was Diane Morgan

You said you went for a meal with Diane Morgan in the show afterlife you were very mean to her yeah in my head now, this is what is kind of happening: you and Diane are going for a curry together.

Yeah.

Because you have very similar menus on off-menu, and you're telling her to get her elbows off the table.

Yeah, but I can't emphasise enough that this was an acting job rather than me and Diane.

I think I should say you are horrible to her.

The public have spoken on that.

You were horrible to Diane.

I was horrible to Diane in that scene.

But we had a great time.

I've worked with Diane on several occasions and she's one of the greats, in my opinion.

You were so nasty to her.

No, no, my character.

My character was very nasty to her.

I wouldn't have stood for it if you had to.

No, no, no, no, but

no, they say cut, and I'm just snap out of it.

Don't worry about that.

I'd have hit you, mate.

Not what I saw.

No, no, no, no.

No, because you haven't seen snap out of it.

You haven't seen the outtakes.

Well, they'll come out.

Don't worry about that.

They pushed the outtakes on that show.

I was laughing along.

Don't worry about that.

You look like an idiot if you're not laughing along at the outtakes.

I mean, it must be hard.

That would be so funny if you watch an outtakes package for a show and they just pan around and one of the actors just sat there looking stupid.

Trying to

go.

Come on, guys.

Yeah.

Gotta wrap this up.

So I think it's interesting that you've picked a main course, Tim, that is variable wherever you go.

Is there a specific chicken chikuti that you had and you were like, this is the definitive chikuti for me?

And I hope the next one's like this as well.

There's a good chicken shakuti in Memsab in Islington.

Great.

We've got a name.

Is that the citar place?

No.

No?

No, the citar place is my favourite Indian in London.

And you refuse to mention it?

He just, it is fantastic.

He's not always there.

Yeah, but you're swerving naming the restaurants still.

On my birthday, I booked a table for 10, and this guy was there.

And I think that's because the manager had said,

let's get the sitar player in.

I'm going to Google now.

Here we go.

Indian restaurants.

Amazing sitar player in London.

It might be a few.

Yeah, it might be a few.

Well,

it's not like you said banjo player.

I wouldn't mind listening to banjo music in an Indian.

Yeah?

I don't know.

Imagine it.

Joe, what I would say to that restaurant?

Yeah.

If there was a banjo player in an Indian, I'd say, do you do deliverance?

Do you do deliverance?

Why would you be in the Indian restaurant?

Well, normally you ask, do you do delivery?

Yeah, but you wouldn't do that.

Then there's a film deliverance where there's

a famous building banjo.

So you wouldn't ask

if you were in the restaurant.

Do you do delivery?

Yes, James.

Yes.

And I'll tell you why, because in lockdown, I remember going to a restaurant

and it was on my allocated hour of exercise.

Yes.

And then I go in there and I say, do you do delivery?

Because I wanted an Indian later that night.

Right, okay.

Now, if there'd been a banjo player, I think I absolutely could have said, do you do deliverance?

Why would have there been a banjo player in lockdown at an Indian restaurant?

Well, I don't know.

The restrictions were,

obviously,

there was a breadth to them, but I don't remember the specific no banjo players in Indian restaurants.

It would seem like a waste of money on the Indian restaurant's part to hire entertainment for a restaurant that was shut.

Yeah, that's true.

But then again, you know, you can sort of imagine some businesses would keep people on, even though they knew that it was mad to do so.

Because they didn't want to put them on furlough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I would say there was probably quite a lot of locked up theatres where they kept doing the play.

I think Mousetrap went from strength to strength and lockdown because I saw them when they unlocked and they looked very slick.

I think they'd really got their act together.

Different murderer as well.

I think they'd had fun with it.

They'd workshopped it.

Have you seen the Mousetrap?

Yeah, I have actually.

I don't know who did it.

Don't spoil it.

Why would I spoil it

on this podcast?

That would be carnage for Mousetrap.

I think I've seen all of them.

All the plays.

Have you?

What's your favourite one?

What's your favourite one?

Women in Black, like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's still going, is it?

It's been going for a long time.

My phone went off in that one.

I couldn't find it.

What I would say is, my personal favourite at the moment is

probably your friend and mine come from away.

Oh, really?

I've not seen that.

It's on Disney Plus now.

I was thinking of watching it on that, but I should go and see it live.

Should I really fantastic?

Chappeau.

What?

That's the restaurant?

Yeah.

No.

That's a good effort.

Babaji?

Tim.

Okay.

Do you want to know my side dish?

Yeah.

Okay.

It is, and it's not really a side dish, and actually, it's maybe a starter, if that.

But when you're just sort of dreaming about what food you like and what food you remember, I just remember this food, and I've only had it once, and it was in Rome.

And I was outside a,

you know, a little restaurant having lunch in the sunshine about three years ago before the lockdowns.

This is an oven-roasted artichoke.

Oh, yeah, all in one.

Oh, yes.

They bung it in the oven or however they cook it.

It's smothered in something, olive oil and

you know, black pepper maybe or something.

A little lemon.

A bit of lemon, something.

And I'm just having this pint of beer, or not even a pint, because it's Italy.

It's like a glass, a flute.

Yeah.

And next to it, there's this artichoke.

And what the idea is, again, there's no knives and forks.

You're pulling off this,

you're pulling off the flowers.

Yeah.

And you're just eating these flowers and they're melting in the mouth.

And actually, I've had some food in my time, probably like you two.

But this is one of the great examples of food.

Yeah.

Just really nice food.

Simple, straight up.

It's presented as it comes in nature.

I think they must parboil it to some extent.

Oh, don't you?

Maybe

in the oven.

Don't take the romance out of the head.

Don't kill the child.

Don't kill the artichoke.

But you are.

It's not as bad as eat round.

You're doing a lot of eating round with me.

No, you're not.

No, no, no, you're picking.

You're plucking.

Yeah, but then you're eating round, aren't you?

When you get one of those in your mouth, there's certain bits you're eating and you're eating round some bits.

Because you're not eating the whole leaf, are you?

You're sucking the bottom, really.

I think you're eating the whole leaf.

You're not, mate.

If you did that,

I think you've had an absolute nightmare.

Very small if I think I was eating the whole leaf.

How?

Isn't it like really dense and woody?

Would you eat the whole leaf?

Well, I don't know enough about it.

I mean, I had a similar thing recently.

Yeah.

I just popped it in the mouth.

What was the similar thing?

How similar was it?

Was it a cream egg?

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was

it's a cream egg with olive oil lemon and black pepper it was a cream egg oh it's an art a joke but they

like deep fried it in like that's what it is deep fried it's deep fried it's not it's not oven baked with uh cheese and ham in it yeah palmer ham oh wow and then they gave it to you and then you just put it in the mouth all in one where's that

it was uh when i went to san sebastian oh lovely and they gave it to you did they yeah yeah they they do loads of um small dishes there that aren't called tapas and they're called something else and i've forgotten what they're called.

Pink toss.

Pinchos, yes.

And I was going around eating those and just as I was leaving, they were like, you haven't tried the best one.

Yeah.

And I was like, well, I'll have it.

And then, okay, we'll quickly do it for you.

Red hot, hot as the sun.

Gave it to me.

Scorched all the skin in my mouth.

Yeah.

But it was absolutely delicious.

Loved it.

Man.

So I think we're talking about two different things there, Tim.

Right.

I guess if you're deep frying and they've probably sorted the leaves out a little bit so you can just pop the whole thing in your mouth.

I don't know what was going on.

I mean, I just, you've, you've put doubts into my mind and you've made me think I'm like literally like sitting at a table eating a houseplant.

And now do you imagine like all of the waiters and stuff were inside like laughing at you because you're basically eating a knife and fork?

I think they're laughing into their palms.

Yeah.

Oh no.

Sounds lovely though.

Well it was lovely when I first started telling the anecdote but Ed's put a bit of a spanner.

No, I think we were talking about two different things.

I think you can still hold that memory.

I think what I want to do is get is get one of these things up on my phone just so I sort of know what I was eating really.

So it's artitude.

While you're doing that, can you tell us the area of London that your favourite curry restaurant is in?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sort of NW.

Maybe one?

NW1.

I think it's NW1.

Right, so here's the artichoke.

I don't know now what I've eaten.

You don't know what it was.

I don't know what it was.

What was the name of the place?

Rome.

Tim, I think that artichoke dish sounds absolutely fantastic.

Well, I've got a slight wobble on it.

I'm a bit no-hand about it, but

what I do remember is really enjoying it in Rome.

Yes.

and so i think what i probably will have to do is just keep that on my menu yeah italian waiter i'd love an italian waiter to come out yeah yeah he'll give me a bit of moreti i think yeah and then i do i have i've got a strong memory of having italiano autentica yeah l'italiano autentica yeah italiano autentica yeah yeah

and then um afterwards i had a um you know an italian cigarette did you yeah yeah it was just like a sunny afternoon and i read my and i read my book do you want the cigarette as well do you want him to bring you out the cigarette i might have a mid-meal cig.

Yeah, why not?

You're very cool, Tim.

It's a very cool cigarette.

Well, I was

at that exact moment.

Right.

I wasn't far off.

Let's put it that way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People were clocking you as they're walking past you.

This is a cool guy.

Well, I was waving pretty extensively, so I would imagine some people were aware of what I was up to.

Had my showreel out on my iPad.

I was certainly meeting people halfway.

Let's put it that way, James.

I think that sounds delicious.

I think afterwards, on my way back to my um living quarters, I went to a place where you could buy all sorts of different um chili.

Just a whole kind of, you know, boutique shop where you could just get lots of different types of chili at different um different strengths.

Lovely.

Yeah.

Did you buy some?

Yeah, I bought quite a powerful one and uh had a thing about um maybe a third of a teaspoon, put it in a in a chili when I got home and uh completely inedible because it was too hot.

Yeah.

And threw this um threw this stuff out.

'Cause um unfortunately it was not workable as something that you could cook with.

It was just more part of the vibe in Rome.

Yeah, it's just there for.

Always do that on holiday, though.

Oh, gosh.

Buy stuff like that, and you're like, this is going to be me now.

I know.

Holiday me is now me, me.

Holiday me is now me, me.

Yeah, it's a story as old as time.

I remember buying in India, like, a sort of spice,

I want to say sort of concertina, where it's just like, about 20 spices that sort of wrap up.

And then when you, you know, unclip them they just hang down oh nice and then you've got all these spices I mean you know completely impractical and

probably illegal to import but you know we are where we are you buy anything when you're sort of you know plodding around India when I was in Italy I bought my mum a souvenir from a shop there's a shop where they did like wood carvings and there was a it was a spoon a wooden spoon that had standard design of a spoon but then on the end where there's normally just the handle there's another like what you know pardon me spoon another bowl and then in between the two things that's joined by this this groove that's been cut into the wood and what you meant to do is the guy said it's so that if you're making a soup you get the bit of the soup that you want to taste to check if it's good and you can just tip it and then it will go down that little river in the middle the groove and it will go into the other bit and you can sip out of that in so that the the part of the spoon the part of the spin that spoon that you're putting into the soup isn't the same part that you're putting into your mouth.

I think that's genius.

So I thought, oh, my mum's going to use this all the the time, it's going to be great.

I bought it back for you.

I was like, look, I've got this present from Italy.

And when I was over for Christmas this year, I saw it there and I could see it had been used.

Oh, it'd be used.

And I was like, oh, mum, you've been using that?

She was like, oh, no, I just leave it next to the oven and I just test the soup with like a normal spoon and then I just rest it on that one so it's not on the counter.

So it's just there.

It's just there.

It's a resting spoon?

It's a resting spoon.

Still, no, she's still there.

So she's not putting a dirty spoon onto the straight onto the work surface.

So, you know.

A resting spoon.

Yeah.

I've got an egg that you put in with a boiled egg.

What?

I've got an egg that you put in with your boiled egg that's that's got a timer on it.

So it's like an electric egg and

it flashes when it's been in there long enough.

So you take both eggs out.

I don't think that's true.

So this is an egg and you put it in with your normal egg.

And when you're...

Do you mean it's an egg timer in the shape of an egg?

Because you're not supposed to put those in the water.

Oh, well, I've been putting mine in the water.

And it flashes.

Well, if you got flashes, it sort of melts a bit.

Cracks.

It cracks when you're X-rayed.

Cracks.

Yeah.

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so your dream drink we've already said is that right or so do you want another one because we're having like you seem to be having a little a little drink with every course which is nice that's fine that's occasionally good

i'm okay for for a drink now thanks i'll just um i'll just carry on with my um italian italiano autentica yeah italiano autentica yeah and then but we'll have one more drink at the end, if I may.

Maybe with you two chaps.

Yes, of course.

Yes, of course, yeah.

And I know what that one will be.

What will that be?

Well, we'll cross that page.

But it'll be an amaretto.

Yeah.

Definitely be an amaretto.

Okay, so your dessert then?

Well, look, let's not beat around the bush here.

My dessert is a bonoffi pie.

Oh, yeah.

However,

I'm slightly going against what I said earlier because I'm getting a bonoffi pie

and I'm afraid this won't go down well

I'm eating round it

oh no well I don't like cream

you don't like cream no so you're eating round the cream which is on the top all over it yes I'm eating round it but I'm committed to it I'm sure you you can eat round it I will

I will eat round it you flipping the pie over I've eaten this I've eaten a lot of bonoffi pies and I always know what I'm in for yeah I know there's a little bit of building work to be done yeah I know I'm getting the old trowel out and I know I'm eating round.

So you're eating round or you're scraping off.

Do you know what?

If I'm being completely honest, I'm scraping off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because you can't, you can't say you're going to eat round after you told James to flick off.

Yeah.

You told me to flick off earlier.

Yeah, I did tell you to flick off.

And what did you do something wrong, didn't you?

No, no, no, you've been okay.

Maybe you've

loved you.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, I'm scraping off then.

Yeah.

I'm scraping off and, you know, the people I'm eating with, are they enjoying my behaviour?

Probably not, because I'm putting cream into a napkin and then also kind of, you know, clumping the napkin up like, you know, Dick Whittington and, you know, bucking his bindle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you taking that with you?

It wouldn't surprise me if, and I know this is not what you do in some of the classier restaurants, if I put my napkin bindle full of cream in my anorak and disposed of it on my way home.

Yeah.

I mean, if I'm if I'm with you, though,

I am taking the cream, but if you don't let me and you have a little cream bindle and you put it in your pocket i'm smacking your pocket immediately yeah

yeah come in mother smack

see you see you next time

i would definitely say see you next time

i do not want my exploded cream in my pocket really no well maybe that maybe since i know that yeah i can either make sure that that pocket has nothing in it so when the cream bindle comes in i know it's going to be low maintenance to go out or i could even take it to a tailor and have it lined with um waterproof um yeah

like a trick a trick pocket yes can you line my pocket with gore-tex please because i'm going to a restaurant with um james a castellator and uh i plan on putting a bindle of cream in there i'll definitely put a cream in my pocket and he'll definitely hit it so

if someone if they're you're in a restaurant where it was sort of a sharing concept and the dessert was they'd bring a whole banoffe pie at the end yes bearing in mind how much you love bonoffi pie how tempted would you be to be mother to shall i be mother i can honestly say you're there with the horns all the horns are there well

to be fair cream horns I've Mrs.

Horns worn cream a black a black top she's in black is she she's in black because she knew what happened last time with the gravy when she was in her white blouse ah so she's in black and now this big creamy binoff pie arrives at the table she's in mourning well I'm I mean or should we say the cream horns

the cream horns is good the cream horns is good well look I'll say right off the bat I have retired from Shallaby Mother with the horns.

Have you?

I think so because

seem to quite understand strong words, didn't he, with you after that?

No one had any words with me, but the atmosphere in the pub after I'd been mother with the pie was

I don't use this word lightly.

Untenable.

Very poor.

Very, very poor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you know, I'm sat there with Horn and, you know, to all intents and purposes, his parents are thinking, well, this guy's like, you know, important part of our son's life.

He's a pal.

I'm Horn's son's godfather, so I'm actually the godfather of their grandchild yes and then i'm mother and there's gravy on them yeah you know if they if they really put some thought into it yeah they're thinking you know should our son fall this guy is taking charge of the the youngster yeah and then they've got shallaby mother as their as their effectively their grandson's de facto father and actually then i'm their de facto son-in-law yeah

should should horn fall shallaby son-in-law yeah if yeah should should not fall should horn falling i mean horn's horn's a very healthy guy but should he fall

yeah i've got a certain responsibility i'm not sure if you're the godfather of someone's children if they fall you become their parents son though i don't think that's how it works as far as i know i think but you i'd certainly see a lot of them i'm not saying that i'm

i'm not i'm not saying that if the son is doing something else is at school i'm driving down to um sussex and spending the afternoon with his parents in my capacity as their new son, should Horn fall.

Should Horn fall.

But I'm saying that there will be events, well, for a start off, Horn's funeral.

Yeah.

You're going to bump into them there.

Yeah.

And I'll put it this way, I'm not walking around with a bonoffy pie waiting for my moment.

But I think your brain would click into gear at that point.

It's in the most inappropriate situations that that happens, right?

So should Horn fall and you're at his funeral

and there was a pie, a morning pie, Yeah, your brain's going, This is the perfect time for Shallow, brother.

It's what it's what Hall would have wanted.

I think the sleeper hit there was morning pie.

I enjoyed morning pie.

Yeah, when was your last morning pie?

I'll tell you mine.

Yeah, my morning.

Yeah, December.

Yeah, I had morning pie's most days that month, um, and there were mints.

How are you spelling morning?

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, M-O-R-N-I-N-G.

That's not what Ed was doing.

Cross-wise.

I don't think I've ever had a morning pie.

Yeah,

when you said for me it was December, I was like, oh God, what are we about to hear here?

And he said, I had a most days that month.

I was like, Jesus.

That's a big month for you.

Yeah, my entire school.

Come, if Key kept this in the diary coming in to do this?

And then it's like, oh, no.

It means he had a pie.

I'm ever so sorry.

I didn't know the concept of a morning pie.

Is there a morning pie?

Oh, yes, there is a piece of pie.

Well, there is a Horns funeral.

I was introducing the concept of the morning pie to see if you would shallow be mother it.

No, do you know what?

Bearing in mind, of course, that my catchphrase isn't shallow be mother.

I think I'd be very surprised if I um, if I, if I debut my shallow be mother material at Horn's funeral, right?

Although, I don't know, because I was disappointed not to be his best man, so actually, it might be kind of

slightly what goes around comes around.

Yeah, but that might be my catchphrase.

Watto?

I might be.

Watto best man?

Watto?

No, Watto wasn't his best man.

I don't even know Horn knew anyone else.

I guess he's got a brother, maybe?

Yeah,

simple as that.

But I had two brothers, and they both did it.

Horn's got a lot of people on his books who could do it.

You know, Horn's...

Yeah.

Horn's got friends.

Don't worry about Horn.

You think Horn's scratching about?

Why don't you like the cream though?

Don't know.

Never liked cream.

Squirty cream or all cream that you're against?

Squirty.

Well, it's all cream, really.

I don't think there's a sort of a cream that sort of gets in under the radar.

Not liquid double cream.

Do you know what I?

I bought some liquid double cream the other day to cook with and

it's I didn't I couldn't bear to put it in in the end.

What were you cooking?

I'll tell you what it was.

Yeah.

It was, you know, your potatoes, Dauphin was.

Oh.

Without cream.

Well, without cream and actually without potatoes, because I got a takeaway instead.

You asked me for a recipe once, I sent you one.

I don't think it went down great.

So, what was the recipe?

The courgette pasta stuff?

It did go down great.

Oh, it did?

It went down great.

Was it courgette pasta?

It was this, yeah, you get your courgette,

and you just like put it in a wok for ages and then really mix it all up until it's like it becomes like a sauce with the courgette and a bunch of other stuff.

And then you, and then what you stir it through your pasta.

Yeah, parmesan, lemon.

Yeah.

Great some lemon into it.

Went everywhere when you slapped it, though, didn't it?

Yeah.

Shallabee Mother.

Slap.

I don't do shallaby mother on my own.

You do know that.

Well, I don't know.

Well, how do we know?

Yeah.

If you're a fan of the most treaty falls in the woods.

I don't know.

In lockdown, I did shallaby mother a couple times because I haven't seen anyone for ages.

I actually cooked a lammy.

You did a solo lammy.

So you're going back on everything you've said on the side of the room.

Solo lammy and then it was like a it was like an advanced version of Shall I Be Mother?

Yeah.

As you put it into the oven you said Shall I be Mother?

I bombed it.

I got on my table put the Lamy on the on the coffee table jumped off and and

landed on landed on my ass on the Lamy.

Yeah.

And gravy everywhere but no Horns frocks to sort of defend it from the curtains.

Yeah.

That's a phrase.

It was at that point, you're there, sat, butting the lamb.

Butting the lamb.

The door goes, you answer it, Horn's parents inform you that Horn's fallen.

Horn fell in lockdown.

He's fallen and we need you to look after it.

Is that a fucking lamb on your ass?

We need you to look after our grandson.

Sorry, Mrs.

Horne, I just did a massive shall I be mother.

I'm going mad in here.

And we're having a drink, are we?

With this dessert, yeah.

I think, well, can I tempt you to fantastic gentlemen with an Amaretto on the rocks?

Yeah, sure.

You can.

Marzipan.

Liquid Marzipan.

Liquid Marzipan.

I've got an alt as well if either of you would rather have a bailey's interesting but bailey's is cream isn't it yeah i'm not having a bailey's oh right okay so this is an alt for us that's very nice of you you wouldn't have you you would drink round the baileys oh yeah i would drink round horrible phrase yeah scrape the baileys off wouldn't you well i'd try and flick off the flick off the cream

put it put it in a bindle

and then angle myself away from you yeah

that's good bailey's is being pulled straight into the gore-tex pocket isn't it yeah yeah just pour it directly in zip it up wait when you get to a bin unzip it, empty the pocket.

I'll tell you what, do you have a title these episodes?

Because the Gore-Tex Pocket has got a shower, hasn't it?

Well, I think this would be called Shallabe Mother.

I think people would be very perplexed if the Gore-Tex Pocket became the title for this episode.

I think we'd upset some people if we called it Horn has Fallen.

Yeah, that would be very sad.

Should Horn fall?

Horn was falling.

Horn is, you know, Horn's one of the fittest people I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to read your order back to you.

Oh, great!

Water, a large glass bottle

of sparkling ice and lime water.

I will give you a brand.

I've got a weird order.

I'll give you a brand.

I think it's...

Alright, yeah, yeah.

Highland spring also, isn't it?

Tap water water wheel.

Popdoms are bread, you want poppadoms with a kingfisher.

Yeah, but I life hack that with my next course.

Starter, baked camembert with fresh baguette and Israeli red wine.

Israeli French.

Israeli French.

A bottle of Israeli French.

I don't remember ordering the Israeli side of things, but I'm having a taken Israel.

You did record French.

We've recorded it.

You said

a glass of Israeli French, is what you said.

Ah, you're recording this?

Yes.

Oh, main course: chicken and shikuti with plain rice.

Chicken and shikuti.

Is that what I said?

Yes, and you panic.

What I've noticed when you say chicken shikuti is you really panic on chicken.

You really rush the chicken.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you're nervous about shikuti.

But you just need to relax on chicken, and then by the time you get to shikuti, you'll be fine.

I've been saying chicken zakuti my whole life with a z.

It's the X.

It's the X is the problem you've got.

Shikuti.

Shakuti.

Shikuti is chicken Chicuti.

It's confusing.

Side of the Rome artichoke with a Bernimeretti and Italian cigarette and a Kitowski book.

I think that's fantastic.

I hated talking about that artichoke because the more we talked about it, the more gross it sounded.

It's lovely.

No, I think it was a great job.

I remember at the time I really, really liked it.

It sounds nice.

Yeah, okay.

I think it sounds nice.

Yeah.

Okay.

Dessert.

You're going to eat round a bonoffi pie.

I am, actually.

Put a bendle of cream in your Gore-Tex pocket.

Yeah, then you're going to be mother.

Yeah.

I'm gonna be mother and then you you would like us all three of us to sit down are we standing

standing until this point are we yep okay and have an amaretto on the rocks yeah take the weight off yeah

I mean that sounds good yeah it's nice isn't it can I get a black coffee at the end yeah we can have a black coffee fantastic I mean that sounds that sounds very nice and I'm very happy to see that I've influenced a course you have actually because that would have been in the mid-201s wouldn't it that that occurred yeah before that it wasn't even on on my radar.

It's now on my radar.

Next time I go, I'm going to have chicken chikuti in the mind.

Oh, it's really good.

In the mind, yeah.

Yeah.

Tim, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, real pleasure.

Thanks for having me.

Well, there we are, James.

What a way to start the series.

What a way to start it with a bang and so many catchphrases from there that I think we'll be hearing more of in the future.

I think so, mate.

I think, you know, we kick off with a good menu, a lovely, funny chat with tim and also we started a national phenomenon yeah shall i be mother yeah everyone's going to be doing that now everyone's going to do shall i be mother on be it on pop a doms pies yeah puddings and you know you know what to do when you've done a shall i be mother you have to take a photo afterwards of the company that you're you're with get the reaction yeah and then tweet it at tim key and put i did a shall i be mother or these people just got shall i be mothered i believe the twitter handle you're looking for is at tim key person yes at tim key person or if you just want to put you know the photo and then just put shall I be mother?

Yeah.

Make sure it's in speech, you know, quotation marks.

Yeah.

That's all you need.

Perfect.

Do go and buy Tim Key's book.

Here we go round the mulberry bush, an anthology of poems and conversations from outside.

It is published on February the 14th, 2022, Valentine's Day, and it's available in all bookshops, including Waterstones.

And the ISBN number is 978-1916-2226-6-3.

And it's published by Utterim Press.

Good Good to know.

What a lovely beginning.

Also, thank you to Tim for not saying Southern Comfort.

Yes, thank you, Tim.

Thank you.

Pick nice drinks, actually.

Apart from the Israeli French wine, which doesn't exist.

Yeah, which I don't think he even intended to drink.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, he did pick nice drinks.

No Southern Comfort.

Thank you, Tim.

We've had some nice food recently, haven't we?

We have.

We've had quite a lot of wine sent to us in various formats, James, which has been very nice because you know I'm a wine boy.

I like wine.

Now, of course, we had Ed Sheeran on this show, and he talked about his Sandy Wine Club.

Yeah, lovely club.

Lovely.

I left thinking I'd like in on that club, actually.

And he made our minds.

Well, we're in on the club now because a couple of the guys from the Sendy Wine Club do actually have their own wine, Vinca canned wine.

Yeah.

So they sendied some of that wine to us.

They also very, very kindly included some cheese in my little pack.

Oh, did they?

That's nice.

Yes, the wine.

Very, very nice indeed.

Thank you.

We also got some boxed wine from Laylo.

Doesn't boxed wine have a terrible reputation?

It does.

And it doesn't deserve it, I don't think.

Well, classically, I think it does deserve it.

Okay, yes, I don't know what it is.

But this Laylo boxed wine, genuinely fantastic.

I had one of the red wines, and it's lovely to have it just out there, lasts for weeks, boxed wine, and you can just have a little splash now and again.

You don't have to commit to opening a bottle and then going like, oh, God, I've got to have another glass.

You can just have a little bit whenever you like over a number of weeks.

It was genuinely delicious wine.

Lovely.

Thank you so much to those people for sending us the lovely wine.

We've had a bit of a New Zealand rush on things as well, James.

Oh, Karma drinks.

Karma Drinks sent us their new ginger ale.

Gingerella?

Love Karma drinks.

Every time I've been to New Zealand, I'd have like Carma Cola or Gingerella or the lemony lemon.

Lemony lemon.

So thank you to them.

And also thank you to Sansa who sent us New Zealand chocolate.

I was very giddy when it arrived.

And oh my God, there was this like dairy milk, Neapolitan flavour, dairy milk.

Blew my mind.

Tasted so good.

Like Papa Papa layered up with, like, you know, milk chocolate, white chocolate as the vanilla, and strawberry-flavoured chocolate.

Oh, incredible.

And also, Whitakers have started doing this peanut butter and jelly one, because, like, they do the jelly tip chocolate bar, where it's filled with like the

jelly.

And then they do the peanut butter one where it's filled with peanut butter.

And this one, some of the squares are filled with peanut butter, some are filled with jelly.

It's actually half and half right down the middle.

So you have to start from either end of the chocolate bar and work your way in, which i didn't know when i first ate it i was looking searching for the peanut butter on one end and i had too much of that and then i've it would kind of get the ratios right so i had to buy some more myself and i did that and i bought some for all my family for christmas and all the acasters enjoyed eating the chocolate bars from either end and meeting in the middle and then you have your peanut butter and jelly and it was great it's a wonderful metaphor for life yeah you've got to start at either end and work work your way into the middle that's that's life that's life i just took the straight peanut butter yeah yeah you took it home with you because it's one of my absolute favourites.

So thank you very much for sending that.

Yes, thank you so much.

And Signature Brew, one of my favourite breweries.

I've made a beer with them, Glug, Glug, Glug.

They sent us some beers, including some of their Christmas beers that they made with The Darkness,

which are so good.

I believe in a thing called beer.

No, it's called Bell's End, James, after their Christmas song.

It is a fantastic beer.

Also, huge shout-out, this only happened the other day.

to another one of my favorite breweries, Vault City, who are based in Edinburgh and they make incredible sours.

They sent me a box of some of their new beers that they're making.

Highly recommended any of their sours, really.

But they sent me some crazy stuff, including a Cloudy Lemonade session sour that they're doing and an Iron Brew sour.

Wow.

I would also like to say a big thank you to Tom Barnes at Aulis and Longthom, sent all my family home cooking kits.

Simon Rogan, home cooking kits.

And

everyone in my family in their own individual little homes all had a lovely meal and my dad said that the miso caramel is the best caramel sauce he's ever had in his entire life huge shout out to tom barnes for just being a great guy just being a great guy an absolute legend and this isn't even food james the good people at aston microphones have sent us some microphones i'm a user of an aston at home Are you?

I am.

I love an Aston.

They're incredible microphones.

They look beautiful.

Yeah.

British-made microphones.

They're gorgeously put together and they sent us our own microphones with our names on them.

Hugely appreciate that.

What a life.

I can't believe it.

Thank you very much for listening to this first episode of Series 7.

Series 7?

Who'd have thought?

I feel like an old granddad.

You are an old granddad.

I am, actually.

See you next week.

Bye!

Hello, I'm your dad's friend Lou Sanders and I've launched a new podcast called Cuddle Club.

Hmm.

It's better than it sounds actually.

I talked to special guests about cuddling.

Hmm, there's not another podcast on cuddling, I thought to myself.

Guests include Catherine Ryan, Richard Osman and Alan Davies.

It's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones because it's actually free to download.

I'd love you to listen, but you're going to be the loser if you don't.

It's worth reminding you that there's no other podcast about cuddling.

It's business gone crazy.

It's available on Apple Podcasts.

Of course, it is.

ACast, yes.

Spotify, wherever you get your podcast, subscribe now, please.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube?

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it.

And you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.