Ep 109: Nicola Coughlan

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Hello, Ed Gamble here.

Sorry to interrupt off-menu, but I'm allowed because it's partly my podcast.

But very excited to say that I'm going on a national tour in 2022.

The show is called Electric.

I'm very excited to show it to you and to be in front of real people again.

That's going to be the most exciting thing.

So please come and see it.

If you don't come and see it, I will get the great Benito to work out that you listen to the podcast and you haven't come to see me on tour, and he will block you from the podcast.

Edgamble.co.uk.

Check out where I'm going on tour, buy some tickets, and I'll see you in 2022.

Anyway, on with the show.

And what you need to do is to get the oil of chat up to 300 degrees and then quickly dunk in some freezing cold anecdotes for a crispy, crispy podcast.

Hello, James.

Ed Gamble, what a brilliant introduction there.

I loved it so much.

Thank you.

Really painted a picture.

Painted a vivid picture in the middle.

Oh, did it take you there?

Did it take you there?

Yeah.

How were you imagining the anecdotes to look when they went into the hot chat oil?

Like cubes, just like solid cubes, but like a they're kind of opaque, solid opaque cubes.

That's interesting.

That's what you imagine an anecdote to look like physically is a solid opaque cube.

I guess so.

I mean it says a lot about the quality of my anecdotes, I guess.

I was thinking more of an egg.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, anecdotes are eggs.

They have a lot of potential.

Oh right, yeah.

You don't know what's going to hatch from them.

Yeah, you don't know what's going to hatch from them.

Yeah, I imagine a stale cube.

So, a bit of a shame there.

And

your special's available now, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Go to Vimeo.

Watch my special on demand.

Loads of anecdotes.

Stale Cube, Hate Myself, 1999.

Yeah, exactly.

But this isn't Stale Cube, Hate Myself, 1999.

This is the Off-Menu podcast, where we invite a different guest to the dream restaurant every single week and ask them their favourite ever-star main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

And our special guest this week is Nicola cochland

nicola cochland she is a wonderful actor uh she is in dairy girls dairy girls she's in bridgeton james the most bridgeton

show in netflix history mad i've watched it my mum's watched it and that should tell you something about how many people have watched it because it's rare that me and my mum have watched the same thing absolutely your mum hates most things that you like.

Yes, that's true.

We don't get on.

But we both watched Bridgerton and boy, oh boy, did we both have the same reaction to it, mainly being we both had to shut the curtains in case the neighbours happened to walk past and see some of the saucy stuff that was going on in that show.

Oh,

really?

Oh man.

You and your mum like the same stuff, huh?

No, we didn't want the neighbours to see what was happening on the screen, not in the house.

Apologies.

Don't you worry about that.

I don't mind the neighbours seeing me do that.

Oh yeah, of course.

It's 2021.

It's 2021.

Get the blinds open.

She's wonderful anyway, Nicola.

So we're in for a real treat.

I've interviewed her before on my other rival podcast, James, at the Taskmaster podcast.

No, it's not a rival to us.

We're not even a podcast.

Ah, okay.

I can't be bothered.

But if Nicola says a secret ingredient that we have agreed upon, she will be kicked out of the restaurant, James.

Bridgerton or no Bridgeton.

That is true.

And this week, Bleasedale has chosen...

It's not Bleasdale, is it?

Papa John's garlic sauce.

Papa John's garlic sauce sauce or garlic butter, whatever they call it, comes in a little pot in the pizza.

The only good bit about it is it comes in a little recess in the box, which I find very satisfying.

But the actual sauce or melted butter or whatever it is in there, it's like melted margarine.

It's horrible.

I don't like it.

It's unwanted.

Stop giving it to us.

It's like the U2 album.

Yeah, it is.

It's the U2 album of sauces, James.

U2, more like

me, no.

I thought you were going to say me too, then.

Not me too, but like, you know, if someone's saying, hey, we've got this garlic sauce, we're going to eat this sauce.

You too?

Like, no, me, me, no.

That's what you'd say, is it?

If someone said you too?

Yeah.

You wouldn't just say no.

Well, yeah, because they're saying you too.

I'm like, no, me, me, no.

Oh, no.

Okay.

Well, I think you would say that maybe, but you're getting the inflection slightly wrong.

So you say, you too, you go, me?

No.

Yeah, that's it.

Not me, no.

Me, no.

No, I go, me, no.

Yeah, that's what I'd say.

Yeah, yeah, okay, good.

Yeah.

So do it again.

You too?

Me?

No.

The inflection wasn't quite right on you two, though, but it doesn't matter.

But anyway, if she says Papa John's garlic sauce, she's out of here.

Thank you, Bleasedale.

Bleasdale.

Bleasedale.

Benito tells us it wasn't Bleasedale, but you'll enjoy this.

It's James Ribbard.

Ribbony, ribbony, ribbard.

Ribbonity, ribbony, ribbonity, ribbony, ribbard.

You enjoying that as much as Bleasdale?

Nope.

I'm trying to.

But Bleasedale will always be number one.

Genuinely trying to enjoy Ribbard there.

Yeah, really putting all my heart into trying to enjoy Ribbard as much as I.

And it is great.

It is fun.

I'd accept James Ribbard as a friend of Bleasdale.

I mean I'd imagine Ribbard has lived with frog jokes his whole life, right?

Yeah, always his whole life.

And we're not about to add to them.

Ribbard on its own is funny enough, so I don't know why people are trying to turn it into frog jokes.

I like that his name is Ribbard and I like that Bleasedale's name is Bleasdale.

So I would like Bleasdale and Ribbard to find each other on social media, connect, make a double act.

Bleasedale and Ribbon, no, Ribbon and Bleesdale.

It's Ribbon and Bleesdale, it's got Ribbon and Bleasedale.

Yeah, and that's what I want to see.

Always starts with Ribbon on stage, and then he says to the audience, Well, it's about time we got Bleasdale out here, but we know what we've got to do to get Bleasdale here, don't we?

And everyone in unison, Bleesdale!

But when he comes on at the beginning, you know, he comes on to like a track when Ribbett comes on.

He goes, Ribbity, Ribby, Ribbidy, Ribby, Ribbon, and he walks on,

waving at the crowd.

He's ribbed, ribbed, ribbed.

He's ribbed, ribbed, ribbed.

And then he's like, We're gonna get my friend out.

He's a bit shy.

Please do.

He comes out, and then that's the end of the show.

Yeah, it's a good show.

If Nicola says Papa John's garlic sauce, she is out of here.

Hopefully, she won't.

Looking forward to chatting to her.

Here is the off-menu menu of Nicola.

Welcome, Nicola, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

I love what you've done with the place.

Thank you very much.

Oh, no.

Welcome, Nicola Coffin, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been spending you for some time.

This is very nice here.

I like it very much.

Thank you for having me.

Sorry, there's a bit of a commotion in the flat that I'm in, and it made me really rush the intro because I panicked that I was having to shout over the...

What was the commotion, man?

Someone's in the kitchen

rattling around all the bowls and stuff.

Naming no names, Jason Mackenzie.

Right.

But I like, I live on a street that's like a street from a musical, like Westside Story.

So a man just cycled, it's a one-way street, cycled backwards down a one-way street, singing really loud a minute ago.

There's always something really weird happening, so there might be several interruptions, which I apologise for it at Paps.

Is there someone going to go past selling ripe strawberries ripe?

That was always like given to the girl in school who had the best voice.

Yeah, I was given orphan number three.

That's Oliver James.

Sorry if it's not.

I know Oliver.

I know that scene where

he's in the rich man's house and everyone outside is selling stuff and they're singing it.

It's an awful song.

I hate it.

Well, you better hope Lionel Bart doesn't listen to this podcast because I heard he's a huge fan and he's going to be really sad you said that about him.

He's also really litigious.

I'm glad he hates it.

The whole thing, and this is more of a diss to Dickens than him, I guess, but like the whole notion of I mean, a little worker boy in the workhouse going up and asking for more is ridiculous.

That would never happen.

So the whole thing that it's built on is stupid, stupid, Oliver.

But it's unusual that it happens, right?

Because they all bully him into doing it.

So

it's out of the ordinary that it happens.

It's not a regular occurrence.

So I think Dickens might have got you there, mate.

I forgot that they bully him into do it.

I thought it's just a precocious little shit.

I used to think it would be really cool to be an orphan when I was a kid because I had a DHS double-sided with dad and Annie.

And I was like, this is the life.

So much fun.

And I was sad when I moved to London that it was nothing like Oliver.

I thought everyone's going to be like, welcome to the city, little lady.

What's happening?

And that didn't happen.

I was just loads of prats.

Did you tell your parents that you wanted to be an orphan?

Well, I used to like sit by the window, and you know that bit Nanny, where she's like, Betcha, he reads, Betcha, she sells.

And I used to always also play, my friends and I used to play Famine Ships because obviously we learned a lot about the famine in school.

So we used to, like, any poverty-based games, we were just like very into as children.

Don't know what that says.

Am I the only person who doesn't know what Famine Chips is?

You should do because it was literally your ancestors, James, but okay.

It's basically where when the famine happened and Irish people had to go to America to start a new life because we were all starving to death because the English wouldn't give us food.

Oh, pretty rude of you guys.

I'm familiar with that.

I'm not familiar with the term we played famine ships.

We didn't do that in England, James.

We wouldn't play famine ships in England.

Yeah, it'd be pretty bad if you guys did it.

Yeah, because we would be on the other side, you see, so the game wouldn't work for us.

Yes.

But what's the game?

The game was just, oh, it's not like an official game.

We just made it up.

We're like, pretend we're on coffin ships going to America.

It was pretty dark, but I was into it.

I mean, I don't think it's on me that I didn't understand that then.

No, no, no, no.

I read into what Nicola was saying and I thought, we'll leave that.

It seems like a sensitive issue.

Look at the border.

It was a good instinct.

It was good.

If anyone wants to know, in my school's production of Oliver, I played Charlotte's The Underkeeper's Daughter.

That's a good song that's not in the movie.

And I had a blonde ringlet wig and I looked smashing.

I bet you did.

How old were you i was probably 13.

i know you played the undertaker's daughter i did i played the undertaker's daughter uh marcus mumford was the artful dodger and all of the adult parts were played by teachers no

that is so weird they they went right we're casting a production of oliver uh all of the adult roles will of course be played by us the adults and then you get your pick of the children's roles that's fully insane there's loads of adults so like bill sax fagia and nancy yeah they did well to get marcus mumford that's impressive Yeah.

It's pretty good, right?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not even as famous as Marcus Mumford now, but if a school asked me to be in their production, I'd say no.

I'd turn it down.

No.

Have you ever been in a musical, James?

Yeah, some school.

I'm reckoning I've done, well, you know, obviously the gang show.

There's loads of musical numbers in that.

So every time I did the gang show every year.

What do you mean the gang show?

Well, it's put on the, well, it's the scouts.

Right.

And like every year the scouts puts on a performance at the local theater and we do like sketches and songs and yeah, I just sing a few songs in that.

See the way you said the gang show there was as offhand as Nicholas said famine ships.

As long as you did the gang show.

Yeah, the gang show.

Yeah, sure.

But I mean, Nicolas one had the word famine in it.

It's a bit more...

Yeah, yeah.

True.

Do you like food?

I love it.

Honest?

You don't have to say it just to fit in with us.

No, no, it's a real true story that I really do, but I do want to fit in as well.

That's another part of it.

Yeah, great.

I remember, like, do you know when you're a teenager and you have to come up with one edgy thing?

Like, that you're like, well, actually, I don't even give a shit about cats.

I think they're dumb.

And I don't like it.

Well, yeah, I knew this one guy who I fancy.

He was like, I don't like food.

And like, freaked me out so badly.

I could never look at him the same again.

Cause he was just trying to be edgy.

But I was like, how can you not?

And he was like, it's just fuel to keep you going.

And I was like, you're a freak.

Did that stop you fancying him at that point?

Yeah.

Did you not fancy him more?

I mean,

you've been playing games where you pretended you were in a famine.

You must have loved this this guy.

I was like, that's right up my alley.

He was playing the game at this point.

It was a few years.

Famine ships was probably about eight years old.

This was a little older, thank God.

It would have been really weird if I'd been doing that as a teenager.

Let's just put it out there.

That's how you met him in a game of famine ships.

I didn't even like food.

Mate, come on.

We always start off with still a sparkling water.

Do you have a preference, Nicola?

Yeah, I want still water, please, because I think sparkling water is disgusting.

It's just it like it's burning on your mouth.

And but I also do always steal it out of hotels.

So like if I'll bring it home and put it in the fridge, so if someone comes over, I'm like, do you want water?

Still or sparkling?

Oh no.

And they're like, well, she's got her life together.

And I don't.

But that makes it seem also I didn't even pay for the water.

But sometimes you ever have like a lovely cold glass of water and go, this is amazing.

Yes.

Yeah.

This stuff's free.

This is the basic stuff and it's so good.

It's so good.

And then you also, to impress people, just have some ice in your in your freezer.

Like I've had friends come over with it, it's blown them away.

They'll have an icy glass of water.

And they're like, this is just the writs.

You've done very well, Nicola, by choosing friends who have a very low bar.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Who are these friends?

Let's cycle them past them and bike backwards.

The psychiatry, like, come in here.

Come in off your bike and come for a cold glass H2O.

Yeah.

Actually, the backwards bike guy probably isn't going to be impressed with ice, right?

He's riding backwards on his bike all the time.

I kind of hope he does come back now because it doesn't seem like I made him up.

I really didn't.

Do you think he'll come back forwards?

Yeah.

Or backwards?

question i don't know often deliveroo guys come the wrong way down this street but i find it kind of exciting because it means they'll get to you quicker because i'll see the delivery coming and then i'm like oh you have to go around in order to get but then sometimes they're just like and you're like whoa whoa whoa

edgy

odds uh is this fair you're having quite a typical lockdown experience by the sound of things just looking out your window and watching people go past and investing in their stories i've been hanging out with my mom a lot i went back to ireland and spent most of it most of it there But then she decided that she didn't want to cook anymore.

So then I had to cook everything.

And then she was like a really like strict, she'd like really critique my meals.

So I got the New York Times cooking app and I made this one thing with like spring onions where you cut them long.

And she was like, you choke on those because she's an Irish mother and still thinks there's danger lurking everywhere, especially onion.

I made like really good cauliflower cheese.

Oh, yeah.

Is that from the app or from your brain?

That's from just BBC Good Food, cauliflower cheese.

Those BBC Good Food recipes, they're always really solid and good.

and simple but like an extra an extra bit of like mustard in it and some paprika will just like bring it up up up and it's so good and then some lemon zest and parmesan in the crumb oh yeah that's really really good but she loves that but then she kind of wants it with she's like a bit like a toddler like she kind of wants it with everything

so she's like i made like um like lemon soul with like a sauce vier and she was like and cauliflower cheese

and where is my cauliflower cheese this evening and then i made the mistake of showing it to my friend camilla's boyfriend who's a chef and he was like why do you have a white fish with cauliflower cheese and roast potatoes?

I was like, because it's not a restaurant, it is my house.

And I can do what I want, okay?

Exactly.

So you only eat white foods.

Yeah, obviously.

It's an Irish thing.

We just hate any colour in foods.

We're like, no, no, it must be as grey as the sky above the green land.

Yeah.

You'll actually better get away with anything in this podcast is by telling me and Ed it's an Irish thing.

Yeah.

We've already fallen for famine ships, which is definitely made up.

Famine ships, the well-known game.

Yeah, there's many more things.

Only grey food.

There'll be many more to come, don't you?

I'll teach you the ways of our trickery from Ireland.

No problem.

Nicola's not even Irish.

This is acting.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she's not even Irish.

What?

No, I am.

She went to that drama school where all the EastEnders people go, and she learnt how to be Irish.

I don't know.

What part of Ireland do you come from?

Oh, good test.

Galway.

Like the song.

Where's Dairy?

Dairy is up in Northern Ireland, up up on the up north.

James, do you know where Dairy is to do this test?

Huh?

Do you know where Dairy is?

Because

testing Nicola on Irish stuff doesn't work if you don't know any of the Irish stuff.

I was just going to ask Nicola who played that part, how much you have to change about...

Did you do much research?

Or did you just know it all from coming from Ireland?

Or did you have to do loads of different stuff?

I was actually building up to a very, but I had to get my facts straight first before the package.

It wasn't a test.

I just thought you didn't believe I was Irish.

So I was trying to like, how do I prove it?

And And then I was like, I've got my passwords.

I could get that.

No, I had to learn a lot because I didn't, I'd never been to Daring.

I'd never, and the accent's really different.

I can't talk like this, and they sort out

like that.

And it's not how I neither speak.

So I had to, yeah.

That's not how you do all your lines, right?

Yeah, I love it.

Here's the difference.

We spoke to, I don't know what order these episodes are going to go out in, actually, but we spoke to someone else, another actor recently, English actor.

And he said, when he tries to do an Irish accent, he just goes, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, and does that as well.

And then you've done it as well now.

Is this a thing?

But also that's why there's so many bad Irish accents on television.

Yeah.

We're like I am Jemmy.

I am from the ARE and I am common I call you and you're like no no that's not that's not no you don't sound like that.

Filled me with fear that character.

Scary Jimmy.

Jemmy.

I don't know.

I'm pretty convinced by Jimmy.

Is that is that bad?

I thought it was pretty good.

Poppin' absorb bread.

Bread.

Pop it up soap bread, Nicola Coughlin.

Pop it up soft bread.

Bread, bread, James Thankhaster.

Bread, bread, bread.

Every day.

I love bread so much.

It's so delicious.

although I've cut it out in the past at times and I go gosh I feel so much better I have so much more energy I just feel like I could do and then I smell the bread and then I'm like oh no you have me in your in your yeasty grasp yet again it's so good I love like a crusty I remember years and years ago and I only had it once it was this restaurant where the bread came in a tiny little stone thing and it like was like really crunchy and it had rosemary and sea salt on it and it was really crunchy on the outside and like fluffy in the middle

so good it's the best stuff really is It's the best stuff.

I too try and cut it out quite a lot.

And then whenever I eat it again, I think, what a waste of a life.

I know.

All those days where I didn't eat bread, what an absolute waste.

What a stupid, stupid thing.

And also, have you ever had like proper Irish brown bread?

No, please talk about it.

Oh, some people call it wheaten bread, but it's like, it's the wheat grain with everything in it.

They don't like take it out.

So it's like really kind of rough.

But that with like fresh butter on it is like heaven.

It's so, so good.

And it's probably better for you because it's not all like refined flour but that fresh out of the oven and sometimes you can drizzle a little honey over it when it's just been cooked and it soaks down in through it

so good and can you get that in England or do you have to go back to Ireland to get it not really we make it with buttermilk it's it's really easy to make and you don't you can make it and then you don't need to have a special dish for it or anything and you don't have to wait for it to rise there's no yeast in it or anything like that it's so so good do you make it yeah i make it my mom taught me also my mom taught me how to make the recipe, but then she's like, I've been making it for 40 years and you just put a little bit of this thing and a little bit.

And if you watch Bake Off, you know, if you know Michael Cacoverti, who was on, I think, like two series ago, and he wanted me to do an Instagram live with him to teach him to bake something.

So I was like, I'll do barn bread.

But then my mother's ingredients, it was literally like an Irish photo.

She's like, a little dash of this and a handful and do a sprinkle in that.

And I was getting really like, you need to tell me how much those people are going to try and make this at home.

But then it worked out really nice and it was delicious.

The more I hear about your mum, the less I like her.

She's going to be really upset.

She thinks you're great.

I showed her you and bake off.

You also really remind me and always have of my nephew.

I do.

He is 11.

No, I completely understand.

I've not met your nephew, but I think James would remind a lot of people of their 11-year-old nephews.

I would never show a picture of him, but I could show you a picture of it because this is just audio.

I think you'll be able to get the vibe simply from the picture.

That's a cookie I had earlier.

Yep.

That's a good cookie.

Is that glitter on it?

Or gold on it?

What's that on the top?

It was salt.

Well,

the light was catching it in a certain way.

Don't you see the similar vibe?

Do you get me?

Yes, yes, I completely get you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

James has got strong 11-year-old energy.

Yeah, I'd say.

Yeah.

Naughty boy.

Yeah.

I mean, we can't probably can't describe that photo, but just imagine a smaller version than me, and that is what Nicola just showed us, pretty much.

Yeah.

He's a nephew type.

Well, my nephew did a thing once, there's a thing in Ireland called the fesche, which is basically like...

No, there isn't, Nicola.

Stop stop making stuff.

It's not made up.

I swear to God I'm on the fish.

The fesh.

The fesh is real.

The fesh.

It's yeah.

It's like a competition where you can do like Irish poetry, you can play an Irish instrument or whatever.

But my nephew when he was about five he's literally alone to himself.

He was like I'm gonna get up on the stage.

I'm gonna do it like a robot.

And we were like you can't do that.

He was like you just can't do it.

And then literally he was away from us.

So we like we didn't couldn't reach him and they were like they called his name and he just got up and started going

the whole way up to the stage.

And I feel like that's also your vibe a little bit.

Yeah.

I would have done that as a kid, and it would have haunted me for the rest of my life.

But at the time, when I was a kid, I would have thought this is the best idea ever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would have got up on stage and done it.

And then I would have realized it's not.

And then I would have thought about it forever until I was 36, like I am now.

I know it causes me to think about it.

I once got up on stage with Ronnie Corbett at a pantomime.

He asked kids to come down to the front if they wanted to come up and do a skill.

And I got up on stage, me and three other kids.

And then he got to me and i panicked because i realized i didn't have any skills and just sort of waved at everyone no

corbett was mortified i know that sounds impressive but ed and ronnie corbett are the same age they went to the same school it's not a big deal they're just uh they're just having a hangout together and we're yeah he played oliver yeah it was it wasn't famous

but it just didn't work out yeah yeah yeah exactly I remember me and Ed, and Benito, to be fair to him, when we were going to America to do some interviews and we were waiting in Nando's for our food and there was a little kid in the booth behind us whose mum was on the phone so he started talking to me and then I started talking to the kid for a while and then after the kid went away Ed said that he loves seeing when kids meet me because the kids are really confused going you're not meant to be like this you're you're you're an adult you're not meant to speak like this to me because I because like he was like hello and I was like hey Mary's going we're waiting for our chicken like like speaking exactly like I have the same thing because I'm also very small so I sometimes go and pick up my niece nephew from school and the other kids will go, Why are you so short if you're an adult?

Why do you look like that?

Why are you?

And you're like, I don't know.

And then some of them in like they're still in primary school, but some of like the sixth class who are like 12 are like the same size or bigger than me.

And I'm like, Yeah, it's intimidating.

That bread sounds really good.

There's just, and there's so many different types of bread.

Do you remember?

I don't know.

I feel like it was like a Jamie's Italian.

They used to give you a bread basket with loads of different breads in it.

You know, when you get a bread that's like a sourdough with a bit of olive in it, and it's just like such a spicy surprise, you just can't believe it.

Lovely, and I love like oh, I used to live in Malta, right?

And they used to have this bread there.

Yeah,

I did Erasmus for a year when I was at uni, but they have this bread there that you literally can't get anywhere else in the world.

And I think about it constantly.

They make it in a stone oven, like pizza, and it's like really flat and really crispy.

It's like a chiabata, but not like springy on the inside.

We used to go and buy it, like after a night out, we'd be drunk, we'd walk down to the little bakery, and it was actually a hole in the wall, and you'd get this loaf of bread.

It's like a giant flat doughnut, and then you take it home, and they used to sometimes rub a tomato on it and salt and olive oil it's called hobsna

maltese word and it's that's like one of the best breads in the world that sounds incredible yeah i love it so much well the question is what do you have at azure bread then because you've you've shouted out a lot of breads that you really really love you did mention the uh you weren't sure if it was jamie's italian where they have an assortment of breads yeah we've had a lot of people on this podcast nicola i've never seen anyone look so worried about having to choose a bread yes yeah i did feel really upset okay well because i haven't had it it in years and you can't get it anywhere else, if I could, and I've looked for recipes for it and you can't find it online.

The Maltese are very mysterious about their bread making waste.

So I'll have the Maltese bread and some olive oil and salt and balsamic vinegar.

Amazing.

Right.

Yeah, you can have that.

You can have the Maltese bread.

Feel okay about that?

Yeah, I feel good now.

I feel better now.

I got stressed for a minute about my.

Yeah.

We come to your starter then.

Yeah.

The meal begins proper.

Is this from Malta?

This is not from Malta.

This is from Galway, where I'm from.

There's this place called Moor under the Weir, or they now call it Moorin' Seafood Cottage.

And it's these crab claws they do.

And it's crab claws literally swimming in butter.

It's like, again, as I said, I'm going to have to find pictures to show you, which people can Google them.

People can do Googling.

Yeah, yes.

People love to Google these days.

They're all about it.

But the crab claws, they do like, you've just never had anything like them in the world.

And I tried to make them at home.

It just doesn't work.

You need to have the ones that are there.

Also, normally when people say things are swimming in butter, it's not things like saying crab claws swimming in butter literally puts an image in your head.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow.

Is that some crummy?

That's a hell of a lot of butter.

That's garlic.

That is garlic.

So much garlic, so much butter.

It's literally like a butter.

Yeah, it's just

amazing.

And you can get that with a little of the brown bread on the side, and then you dip it into the butter afterwards, and it like gets all over your fingers.

And it's so good.

There is that.

I do have a second option.

But if you can get more than one starter, kind of well, it's a good idea.

Put it out there.

I just want to

So, there's a place in New York called Ivan Ramen, and they have this starter, which is called curry flour, and it's this cauliflower that's got like a curry miso butter on it, and like pickled ginger.

I'm actually not like a huge ramen fan, but that cauliflower, I've thought about it every day.

That looks amazing!

It's so good, like it's like who knew a cauliflower could be that delicious.

Cauliflower is

underrated king of the veg world.

Quite gutted now because I last, well, no, I went to New York with my mum and girlfriend.

That was a fun, it was a fun holiday.

I know it sounds bad.

It doesn't sound bad.

It sounds nice.

Yeah, well, I know.

Two different people.

Two different people.

Oh, yeah.

Ha ha ha.

If you leave that goal open, I'm going to tap it in.

Sure.

Fair enough.

But

we were searching for somewhere to eat one day.

I think someone wanted ramen.

And Ivan Ramen came up on the...

But we didn't go there for whatever reason.

It came up on our Google Maps looking for places.

We didn't go there.

And now I'm pretty gutted.

Because I remember the name, and now I'm quite disappointed that because you always think, Well, it doesn't matter, yeah, wherever we pick will be where we have food, and we won't even know how good the other places were.

But now, you've mentioned a place that I remember considering going to but not going to.

But then you can save up to go back.

That cauliflower was so good.

We ordered three dishes of it.

We kept ordering it because we kept finishing, going, This is the best thing ever.

Yeah, did you have a main?

I had like the ramen as a main, but I wasn't as crazy about it.

The cauliflower was the real star of the whole thing.

And we just kept, you know, sometimes when a waiter, and you're like, this is so good.

And the waiter goes, yeah.

Like, I've waitressed, and I wouldn't I've never even cared but like when you're the person consuming the food you're like do you know this is delicious do you know how good this is are you aware why won't you talk to me about this come on sit down let's have a full be my friend I will make you icy water

Yeah, that's the thing about being a member of staff.

I guess you do have to put up with constantly people either telling you how good something is or wanting to engage about the menu.

You're just like, okay.

Yeah.

I'm happy that you're happy, but please just get out so we can get more people in.

Well, Well, I used to work at a restaurant that was just a chain restaurant that you used to think was all like fun and homemade, but then everything just came in like a bag, so they would just put it in and boil it and then put it on the plate.

But sometimes people would be like, This is slightly a little bit too much, and just if it was seared a little bit, and you want to go, this came in a vacuum bag.

The chef does not care, they're all outside smoking.

Someone just buzzed my door.

I'm sorry.

Oh no, it's an ad.

Hang on, one moment.

I'm sorry.

Go for it.

See you later.

Such nice weather today.

It's amazing, isn't it?

I went for a little walk before this because I knew I probably wouldn't get a chance otherwise.

A lady saw, recognised me,

but got my name wrong.

So I was walking along.

Josh Whitticomb?

No, no.

You'll love it.

I looked up and she saw me across the road and she went,

James Pendergast!

What that?

Yes?

I went, hello?

I went, what?

She went, oh no, nothing!

I went

away.

James Pendergast.

James Pendergast!

So I got knocked out of my apartment.

Just now?

Um,

yeah, that's what just happened.

Also, I went downstairs and I've only just gotten used to putting the latch on, but it turns out I'm not very good at it.

And then the Addison Lehman, the courier, he came back with a thing that I'd sent away.

And then I came back upstairs and I was like, it's not.

And then I couldn't shout in the door.

To us.

So I had to go into my neighbor's apartment and she wasn't there.

And I don't know where my key was.

So I had to search around her apartment and find my key.

And now I'm here.

And that is the story of what happened to me for those five minutes that I disappeared.

And that is all staying in, unfortunately.

How did you get into her apartment?

Well, she has a key.

She has a cat.

It's a whole...

What?

Yeah, I don't know.

It's her choice to i don't know what do you mean she has a key in the door because she has a cat she's afraid about the cat i can't remember what the story but i yeah because she's very lovely lady but she she wouldn't be like yeah i've never been i've lived here two years i've never gotten locked out got locked out twice today

i've never done it before it would be amazing if you just never came back to the recording though if you were locked out for hours well i did think about that and my phone is here so funny but i was like they're gonna what are they gonna think they're gonna think i got murdered they're gonna think i went down to the addison lee man he literally said i I couldn't find where to put this.

So here it is back.

I cared a dress back.

And he couldn't find it.

So he just said, no, I forgive it.

I give up.

Here it is again.

I thought, that's not helpful.

And then I was locked out.

It was very dramatic.

Are you feeling stressed?

Ah, no.

Why would you bother?

But I also have, it's funny, my sister and I had this happen to us years ago where we went for a walk in the prom and go out right by the beach.

And then we came back to where we thought our car was.

And we were like, the car got stolen.

I know she was like, oh, okay.

Okay.

We just have to deal with that.

And then another car pulled away and it was just behind the other car.

And we were like, but that was good, wasn't it?

The way we just kind of dealt with it.

Just went, well, the car's gone.

The end.

So it's good to know how you react in that situation.

Yeah, but I just thought, can I sit in her?

Now she's got a big fright when she comes sitting on the couch at 8 p.m.

And I was like, I locked out.

And I was doing a podcast and I got locked out.

James, how long do you reckon we would have sat here waiting for Nicola to come back?

Quite a while, I think.

I think after maybe 20 minutes, we would have phoned you and then we would have seen your phone ringing

over the Zoom and gone, uh-oh, that's not good.

Yeah.

And then I think we would have, well, we could have phoned your PR and said, look, something has happened.

Nicola's gone and she's not here.

It would have been interesting.

We never had someone go missing during a podcast before.

Sort of a mystery element I thought I'd bring, you know.

Suddenly become a true crime podcast out of nowhere.

That would be such a good story to a true crime podcast.

It really would.

We were asking her bread or poppa dumbs and then she died.

You've You've been locked out twice today.

We haven't heard the first story of when you first got locked out.

Oh, I first got locked out.

A man came to do a COVID test for my work and it's because somebody was like, do you not know how to put the door on the latch?

And I felt very embarrassed that I didn't know how to do that.

But it turned out I think the door is a bit faulty, so it doesn't really latch very well, hence why I got locked out twice today.

I was in a habit of taking my keys with me everywhere I go, going downstairs even to get the delivery man's presents, which is how I like to think of them.

I think you should keep that habit up.

It's going to come back.

It's going to make a roaring comeback as of right now.

But before we do the main course, I don't think you picked the starter.

I think we were well in you picking the starter between the two things.

Okay.

And then you ran away from the podcast.

I think I'm going to go with the garlic crab claws just because they're so insanely good.

I've never had bad ones.

Yeah, they're just like from a restaurant right by the sea and they're so delicious.

Do they shell them for you or do you have to crack them out the shelves?

No, no, no.

They shell them for you and it's just like a load of them in the bowl.

And then it's like a restaurant where loads of famous people have been.

Apparently Julia Roberts has been there.

Oh, yeah.

And then, but then also, there's like there's frame pictures of like all famous people that have been there.

Um, but then a lot of the people have then like turned out to have been like criminals because they were like, you know, any director that you really loved from like the 70s, 80s, 90s, they've all done a horrible crime.

Yeah, so it's like, oh, there's, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, dear, he's he's not best anymore.

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My main course.

Okay, so I used to live in Peckham and there is this fried chicken place in Peckham that is god tier insanely amazing.

It's called Other Side Fried.

And they do this.

Again, I have to show you a picture, but people can look it up on the internet.

They do this chicken burger with like a brioche bun.

It's like properly, so crunchy.

It's got Parmesan shaves on it.

It's got, hang on.

When I show you this.

This is another picture.

Great for podcasts, aren't they?

Everyone...

Just take this time and Google it now.

Other side fried.

Other side fried.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, that looks absolutely immense.

It's absolute filth.

Oh, man.

So much pecumi parmesan.

I think it's like a Caesar sauce on it.

Garlic butter, mayo, or garlic butter, mayo and parmesan and pickles.

I love pickles.

So

this is your dream main course?

Yeah, it's in Peckham Levels.

Uh-huh.

And they do really like good, dirty fries as well.

They have a really limited menu, which I think you have to, if you're a restaurant, that's kind of like an arrogant move in a good way.

If you have a menu that's like, we do these seven things, you're like, well, they're all going to be really good, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, but they do like, yeah, they do really good fries there as well.

But it is complete filth.

But it's delicious.

It would be amazing if there was a restaurant that had three things on their menu and they were all shit.

Which also I would kind of respect.

Okay.

We realized when we started putting together the menu that we can't cook, so we stopped at three.

What would you call it?

Something like egg, eggy slap, or I don't know, like

eggy slap.

Eggy slap.

Here at Eggy Slap, we do egg, egg eggin, egg cake,

egg.

Egg cake.

Egg balls,

and egg dessert.

And that's all you're getting from Eggy Slap.

And we slap it down on the plate.

It's an absolute mess.

Yes, disgusting.

No condiments.

Seasoned nothing here.

So what's the menu at Eggy Slap?

It's egg.

Egg balls and egg dessert.

Yeah.

And egg cake.

Egg cake.

And they're all horrible.

Egg, egg balls, and egg cake.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And egg, egg balls are just eggs, right?

Yeah, but no, they're mat.

No, it's like, you know, like a cake pop.

Right.

So like, you know, when you like mash it up and then you re-ball them with egg balls.

Obviously.

What's the egg cake?

Egg cake is old cake.

It's an old, calling the caterpillar with an old cold fried egg on it.

What part of the caterpillar were you putting the fried egg on his face or?

Yeah, the face, only the face, and we throw out the rest of the cake.

Very bad for wasted as well.

It's just like the opposite of good for the environment at egg slap.

Yeah, egg slap.

Eggy slap, sorry.

Eggy slap, yep.

Have you got like a logo, a mascot, anything like that?

It's an egg, and then it's a saw.

It's Fido Dido from 7 Up in the 90s, and he's beside the egg going, mmm, big thumbs down.

Big thumbs down.

So Fido Dido doesn't like it.

Fido Dido hates it.

Everyone hates it.

Yeah, everyone hates Eggy Slap.

But it's an arrogant restaurant.

It doesn't care what you think.

Yeah.

And it's doing well.

So what's this chicken burger called?

Let me look at it.

Because the thing is, I haven't lived near one for ages, so it's really sad.

But also their Instagram.

You just want to lick it.

Yeah, there's a lot of good photos of burgers on there.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

I have a really bad pet peeve.

When people post pictures of food on the Internet and they don't explain what the food is,

who do you think you are?

What is it?

How would I know if I wanted to eat it?

What if I wanted to make that and I could never make it?

Yeah.

Why are you being so rude to me?

I've never experienced that, but I can completely agree with you straight away.

What's the point?

of going here's a great picture of some food but you know what you're looking at so how are you going to get excited about it but also yeah when you know when you look at something you're going to go oh i can kind of taste that or i kind of think i know what that they're like i don't know what this is yeah remember in the 90s seeing robbie williams on a take that vhs he was it went stoke on trend and he was eating a thing that was like in a wrap and he was like well this is a special thing you get in stoke on trends and i've always wanted it and i don't know what it is

and it's annoyed me since the 90s

okay again we're not again though nicola we're not moving on from that i'd like to know

more about what you've just said okay what was the take that thing that you were watching okay so my sister is a big fan of Take That, therefore, I was a big fan of Take That.

I was only about seven, and we watched the video of them all going to where they were from.

And he went to the local football stadium, and he was eating a thing that looked like a pancake or a wrap, and it was savoury.

And I was like, that's delicious.

But I, I mean, I'd have to go back and re-watch it to find out what it was.

But at that age, I was like, I want to eat that.

So he just says, this is a special thing you can only get in Stoke-on-Trent.

Yeah, but I can't remember.

He definitely did put a name in it.

Imagine if it was just like a fajita and all these years I've been like, what was the magical Robbie Williams food?

The likelihood is that it was just a rap.

Yeah, but we didn't have raps in the early 90s, really.

Yeah, that's true.

It was more of a 2000s thing.

How often would you say you think about the Robbie Williams rap?

And by the way, when I say the Robbie Williams rap, I don't mean the one on Roodebox.

I would say I think about it every three months.

Yeah, it's one of those things.

But the problem is, now I'm going to think about it every three months, and I didn't even see the video.

I've googled Stoke on Trent rap.

These are places that sell raps.

Wizards Wizards wraps, Stoke Rap, U5 wraps, Spectrum Signs and Graphics Sign Makers.

I think they've...

But by that point,

I think that's what all the wraps.

No, weirdly.

So it goes Spectrum Signs and Graphics Sign Makers.

Choice Graphics, Stoke.

And then it goes Pavilion Fusion Burrita and Rap Bar.

So now we get back into wraps.

So I don't know what those two were on there for.

FD wraps.

Then there's some packaging supplies.

I'm going to have to go back and re-watch the Take That video.

I'm going to get it out of my mum's garage and watch it on the vhs and i'll find out what robbie williams rap was or it was a weird to tweet him what what was that thing you ate 22 years ago but i reckon he'd answer don't you think oh my god yeah he'd answer don't you think now like he's probably look he's he's probably seen bridgerton everyone's seen bridgerton right so i think i feel like that's a really weird that's like that's a weird question to ask him it's a weird question to open with i suppose but i think about it all the time sometimes when people i can ask friends if they put a food on their instagram and i haven't seen it and then i'm like what was that thing that you ate then because I can't not know.

But I think when this podcast comes out, we're going to get a lot of heat around this question, and I think it's going to get to Robbie Williams.

I think Robbie seems like a sound guy, he's up for a laugh.

I reckon he's going to tell you exactly what that rap was.

What do you think is going to happen when you find out what the rap is?

Do you think you're going to suddenly have a really good night's sleep?

And you're like, I've not been sleeping well all these years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It will just solve all of the questions that I could

have just hung over me all this time.

Oh my gosh.

I mean, I'm googling everything here.

I've googled food you can only only get in stoke on Trent.

There's nothing.

If I put in into YouTube, Robbie, take that stoke on Trent.

I don't think I've ever vocalized that I've thought about this before, but it has been a huge thing all of my life.

I understand.

I think about Matt Dawson biting into the baked Alaska all the time.

I've never had a baked Alaska.

That's one.

That was in Annie.

What?

Was it?

Yeah.

Matt Dawson was in Annie.

No, not the Matt Dawson.

The burger is garlic butter mayo.

It's £7.45 worth every penny.

Fried chicken, parmesan, garlic butter mayo, pickles and lettuce.

Now here's the thing though.

Do you want that?

Yeah.

Or do you want the Robbie Williams wrap?

Do you want to gamble and take the Robbie Williams wrap?

Yeah.

I don't want to be good though.

Yeah, I do.

I want the Robbie Williams wrap.

I feel like it was Indian.

I don't know what it was.

I obviously don't know what it is.

Oh my God,

that just made me feel magical things.

I was so excited.

This is the first time in the history of the podcast that someone's ordered something that they don't know what it is, and neither do we.

So we don't know how the genie's going to get it.

He has to go back into the VHS and pluck it out of Robbie Williams's hands.

Yep.

I've got to go in the VHS or I've got to read Robbie Williams's mind.

right now go into his brain and find out what that rap was go to the place he bought it from get it maybe that specific point in time even you can have the exact one that he was going to eat But I get there before he gets into the yeah into the takeaway place I get there I get the one that was meant for him you eat the exact one Robbie ate that day.

I have a tear in my eye

I Can't actually see it I can't even fathom how excited I am

But oh my god, wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah fried chicken schmicken Robbie Williams wrap the problem with that fried chicken sandwich though is that you know what that is.

Yeah.

That's boring.

You know what I mean?

I've eaten it with my mouth.

Yeah.

you want a mystery wrap from a vhs in the 90s yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh my god yeah great so that's the main course stokehold trent mystery wrap um

your side dish may i suggest uh the grey stuff from beauty and the beast that's something that i think about a lot

Well, that's just made me think of, oh my god, do you remember in Hook?

Yeah, the food, fight, fight food bangerang guns yeah bangerang i was gonna say truffle parmesan fries because i love them but no now i want now you've broadened my mind now i want the gloop from hook yeah that you throw it and it becomes real food that movie's so good i love it so much it's i think we spoke about this scene on the podcast before we spoke about our different relationships to this scene.

I saw it on a ferry hook when I was a little kid.

And also a friend of mine when he was little, him and his brother when his parents went out, got loads and loads of ice cream out of the freezer, opened all of it, got two spoons, and then they looked at each other and shouted bang-a-rang, and then they ate it all until they were sick.

So, when you say friend of yours, James, and his friend, do you mean you and your dad?

I mean, me and my dad would do that now.

When I was a kid, he probably wouldn't let me do it.

But now, if I said to him, Do you want to do a bangerang?

He'd be like, Yep.

Let's do it.

Come Come over.

I think it's called doing a bangerang.

Amazing.

Want to do bangerang tonight?

Of course I do, James.

Your poor mum just walking into you guys halfway through bangerang.

Food all over the walls.

We've been having a food fight and eating it all.

Bangerang!

I once went to a real-life food fight restaurant.

What?

What?

Yeah.

I swear to God.

Also in Malta, again, I'm not making these things up.

I think I'm just weird.

It was a food fight restaurant.

So it was like German food.

And you ate it all on the table, which is really disgusting.

It was like a lot of roast ham and meats and sauerkraut and pickles and stuff like that.

And you put on these bibs and then you're eating and eating.

And then at one point, this giant man comes out of the kitchen and like hits a gong.

And then you just start throwing the food at one another.

But it's like demented.

And you start whine in each other's faces.

And I remember it was disgusting.

And actually, maybe partly why I can't even look at pork anymore.

But my friend took a giant slab of ham and rubbed it in my face.

So hang on.

So does this only happen once a sitting?

Or is it like every 50 minutes like the wave machine?

No, it's once a sitting.

So you bought you book out the restaurant.

It's like one long table, like very medieval.

Yeah.

And then you don't know when they're going to ring the gong.

So you're eating your food with your hands and they ding.

And then you just absolutely.

You've got to eat so fast because you don't know when they're going to ring the food fight.

That was awful.

What a horrible experience.

Yeah, it was cemented.

You had six times a beer and stuff and you're just disgusting after it.

You're just like all your clothes are ruined.

And we were young.

So is there a chance that they might just ring it like 10 minutes in?

Yeah.

Anarchy, they can do whatever they want.

It's a mad place.

If I worked there and it was my last day, I'd do it after 30 seconds.

I'd literally serve everyone and then on my way back into the kitchen to smack the gun.

Look, there you go.

I'll quit.

Yeah, that would put me off pork if my friend had rubbed a big slice of ham in my face actually.

Also that, and I saw a video of a tiny pig in a sink having a bath, and then I was like, Well, that's over.

And I haven't eaten pork in like three years.

Yeah,

the pig in the sink having a bath.

It's a little baby pig in a sink.

He was having a great time, and I thought, I can test on now.

That's over.

Let me throw this at you.

Yeah, yeah, I thought you meant a little pig in the restaurant.

We're using that in the food fight.

I bought my own ammo with me, a live pig.

No.

What if you discovered that the Robbie Williams wrap has pork in it?

I swear to God I had that thought.

That would really upset me.

Not just any pork.

It easily could.

Why could it not?

It could have literally anything in it.

Not just any pork.

That exact baby pig that was in the sink.

No.

What if you tweet him and he says, oh, it's a very specific dish

on Trent and it's sink piglet wrap.

No.

I'd have to like ask for the bowl back for my starter and drink the garlic butter out of it like a shot.

Yeah.

And then just have no meme.

I couldn't eat.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't eat this, I can't eat the sink pig.

No, I couldn't do it even if it is in the magical Robbie Williams wrap.

No, that's a sentence I never thought I'd hear.

I can't eat the sink pig, even if it's in a magical Robbie Williams wrap.

How did we get to this?

I don't know.

I imagine that's another Irish thing we don't know about that saying.

Is it another

legend of the sink pig?

Oh my god.

So, your side dish isn't truffle fries, it's bangerang.

It's bangerang.

What do you think the goo tastes like?

The colourful goo in hook?

In my head right now, I'm like Play-Doh, but then the thing is, it's your imagination.

So it can taste like anything that you like, really, can't it?

So do you want it to be the goo, but it tastes like truffle fries?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I just had to mime meeting it just to check because I thought that would clarify whether.

Yeah.

Bangerang.

And then, yeah.

I love truffle.

Oh, I always want to buy a truffle.

I haven't done it yet in my life, but I will one day.

You want to buy a truffle?

Yeah, but like buy a truffle.

But I like like high and low food.

So like imagine if you got like a craft box mac and cheese rubbish with truffle on it.

Yeah, it'd be great.

Sometimes I think on the rare occasion that you get like a slice, a bit of truffle on something.

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, so delicious.

Sometimes I don't think it's delicious.

Really?

Yeah, I just don't get the flavor that you're supposed to.

Sometimes I like that proper nuclear fake truffle oil taste.

That's what I'm into.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with that.

Like I have it in my house.

I was like, that's not real.

That's chemical.

I was like, it's delicious.

I love chemicals.

I love animals.

That's what they were designed in a lab to taste of.

Okay.

What's the problem again?

Excuse me.

Have you heard of the film Truffle Hunters?

No.

There's a film apparently called Truffle Hunters about a man and his truffle hunting dog.

Aww.

We've not seen it, but a friend of ours got to see it.

Yeah.

Oh, did he like it?

Yeah, he did.

He did.

When they're mimin eating the food before you can see it, is that more delicious than when they actually are doing the food fucking?

When they're mime and eating it, those kids are so good at mime and eating that food, and they're like scooping their hand in the bowl, they're licking their fingers, they're holding something that's like a corn on the cup, but really like showing their teeth and doing their

eating along the side of it.

That's like whatever they're eating, I want to eat that.

And Robin Williams feels really hungry just watching the meat in that scene.

They're sort of playing the opposite of famine chips, yeah.

It's true, it's true.

American kids, yeah, get good, that's payback, and we Irish kids got only famine ships.

Could have done a version of a hook where he's like hanging out with you and your friends, and we're like, there's there's no food.

See, it would have saved a lot of time at the top of the record if when James said, what's famine ships, you'd said, it's the Irish bangerang.

It's the Irish bangerang.

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What's your drink?

I feel like this started off like actual adult food and now it's just descended into loads of weird stuff.

But I do love Prosecco, but now I feel like I need to pick something weird.

Have you ever had a basil margarita?

No.

Do you like margaritas?

Yes.

Love margaritas.

I like basil as well.

Okay.

So it's literally,

you just smush loads and loads of basil in and then you make the margaritas normal, but it comes out like this amazing green, which I feel like would be a delicious compliment to bangering.

And then like the salty and

icon ice and

delish.

It sounds like it was invented when someone got mixed up between margarita pizza and margarita the drink.

And they ordered a margarita thinking they were asking for a pizza and said, Can I have some basil on it as well?

And the barman ran with it.

Oh, do you know what?

I think it's fine.

I don't think there's any way that's wrong.

I think if anyone says it's wrong, they should go to jail and never come out of the jail.

Good rule.

Yeah, an old basil marg.

But I always forget, because I normally, when I'm out, I will drink Prosecco, but then I forget how much stronger spirits are.

And then I'm like, why is my brain drunk?

I'm like, oh yeah, that's why.

So I don't really drink them when I'm out.

But you drink them when you're in.

Yeah, constantly, never stop.

I mean, I think we can literally see a basil plant in the background there.

Is that a basil plant?

It's not.

I don't actually know where my friend bought it for me.

I don't know what it is, but it's alive.

Yeah, that's the most you can hope for with plants.

Do you want to see my tequila?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

It's really cool.

Hang on.

One second.

Yeah.

Here we go.

Nicola's going to get locked out of the house again.

Somehow, even though she's just getting something from the shelf behind her.

That is really cool.

How good is that?

Really good.

So

for the listener, that is a skull bottle.

A white skull with black kind of like facial

detail drawn in it.

It's like a day of the dead sugar skull, right?

Is that what it's like?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like car tequila.

But it's been imported from Mexico and it's really hard to...

Or it's really not good ergonomically.

Is that correct?

Ed will love that.

Ed's got skulls all over him.

I love skulls.

Ed's covered in skulls.

I've got skulls on my body.

Go on, skull boy.

The main one right here.

Got a real one.

Yeah, got a a real one.

So scary to think some.

Do you ever get scared imagining that you've got a skull?

Yeah, awful.

The worst is when you're a baby and you're born with all your teeth.

Have you ever seen a baby skull?

Not good.

Teeth all up here.

Baby teeth.

Disgusting.

I don't even know what we're talking about now.

Baby skulls.

Baby skulls, James.

Baby skulls.

And also, children have more bones than adults.

Do you remember that from the milk ad?

No, this is another Irish thing, isn't it?

Oh, maybe.

It was like, them bones, them bones need calcium.

And they were like, an adult has 200 bones and a child has many more.

So your bones fuse into each other as you grow.

So you're actually born with more bones than you have than adults.

How many bones do the children have then?

Loads.

Children have more bones than adults.

That's what.

Yeah.

Right.

I'm going to Google that.

Benito's done it for us.

A baby's body has 300 bones at birth.

These eventually fuse, grow together to form the 206 bones that adults have.

That's crazy.

They've got 94 more bones, babies.

Yeah, I know.

Scary.

Really scary.

Yeah, google baby skull if you really want a bad fry no thank you our search history is going to look very weird just like stoke on trent cuisine baby skull yeah one after the other it's like google's gonna think that you were trying to narrow it down and that's what you think they might eat in stoke on trent yeah maybe that's what robbie was eating as well was it a baby maybe maybe

sink piglet and baby skull So you're going with the basil margarita for your drink.

Yeah, because it's just like, and when it's made well and like when it's properly green and then everyone goes, ooh, what did did you get?

Because you want to like have that effect on a table.

You don't want to be like, I got a peanut grisier.

Oh, boring.

You want to be like, what's the green thing?

Like, well, let me tell you, it's basil and margarita, not the pizza a drink.

Oh, so you want to get people's attention with your drink?

You want to be like the center of attention drink?

If my bangerang hasn't done it already, the basil margarita will really throw them over the edge.

I have a thing, like, this always happens to me.

Whenever, like, if there's a big cocktail list, everyone orders a cocktail and I pick the one that sounds the nicest for me and it always turns up it's always the most boring looking one it's like a in a little glass and it's all brown and stuff and then someone else's will arrive and it's got like a parrot in it or something yeah i don't get porn star martinis why do i want a tiny thimble of prosecco what's that about yeah it's a weird i don't get that a lot of cocktails are bad yeah they are i just said it i don't care come at me oh i've got a question about the bangerang again sorry okay Because you said about people being impressed by it at the table.

Yeah.

But is it invisible to them?

And you're imagining it, and then it to you, it's real, or can they see it like in the film?

At first, it comes, and they're like, Nichola, you didn't order your main, and I'm like,

and then I start like lifting up, I'll do the corn, which is good, and they're gonna like, she's lost it, she's finally lost it.

We all knew it was gonna happen, but now's the time.

And then I'll bangerang them, one of them in the face, and all whether they're like, What have you done, you crazy girl?

And then they'll be like, It's bangerang, and then I'll share the bangerang around.

And then, like, wait, you give me a bit of your chips, and I'll give you some bang-a-rang.

It's amazing how quickly your friends were on board there from thinking you've lost your mind to then getting hit in the face.

And then immediately they're like, it's bangerang.

Of course, that's what it is.

Yeah, well, once you understand it's bangerang, what are you going to do?

And then you want a drink that makes people go, what have you got?

Yeah.

You like it when people go, what have you got?

I clearly like attention.

Look at my.

But it's like, you know, when like.

people someone orders fajitas and it comes out all sizzling and everyone's like you want to have that sizzling effect Maybe I could have it, but like, and it comes on a plate with those dry ice, just for like an event.

It'd be the same drink, just presented fat reel.

Definitely.

Yeah.

One of the very early things I tried to do in stand-up that didn't work, that now I think I might give another go, is I tried to do, I think a lot of stand-ups do this when they start out.

They try and do deliberately bad impressions of really obscure things.

Because like, there's been a lot of comics have done, like, here, I'm going to do some impressions for you.

And then they do a bunch of.

And one of mine was

a shy waiter who has to bring out the fajitas.

It's really good.

Maybe I should try it again.

I really like that a lot.

I think the way I introduced it was funnier than the actual impression that I did at the time.

My whole microphone fell off the table.

Did you hear that?

What is going on?

And now we arrive at the greatest course of all time, the headliner, the dessert.

Yum, yum, yum.

Delish.

That sounded like, I wasn't excited.

I am excited.

I am excited.

I think I just like burnt out on bangerang.

I got too excited.

And now I'm like, oh, dessert.

But no, I am excited.

What I would like for dessert?

I would like an apple tart with ice cream made by an old Irish woman by her hands.

Great.

Like a proper granny, like...

like just lovely shortcuts pastry and like ice cream or even like i mean i prefer cold with the hot Like, English people really love custard.

I do like custard, don't get me wrong, but a cold and a hot mix is so sassy in your mouth, isn't it?

Yeah, it's just like delicious.

I agree.

It's all about the ice cream on like a hot apple pie or a hot apple crumble or something like that.

Just the just starting to melt, but then you got to eat it quickly to make sure it doesn't melt too much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or cold custard.

I like cold custard on an apple pie, on a hot apple pie.

I could see that working.

It's nice.

A little, like, Sometimes my mum used to put cloves in the apple tart.

Oh no.

No, but you take them out.

You don't eat, you don't like eat a full clove.

But that's always the danger, isn't it?

It's dangerous then because you're like, oh, the clove might sneak up on me at any point.

I might crunch down on it.

For a woman who you claim doesn't enjoy danger or things lurking around corners, I can't believe your mum's packing a clove in an apple pie.

Maybe it's like was her revenge for my trying to choke her with some spring onion.

For the long spring onion.

She's like, I'll get her with the clove.

Yeah, the long spring onion.

She's like, you have to cut it across the grain.

She tells me that about chicken as well.

She still thinks I am 12 is a big, is a recurring theme in my life.

But cutting across the grain is a good tip, though, isn't it?

It is.

It is.

But this, this New York Times menu, it was just like, because they do like trendy stuff on there.

They're like, why don't you just put loads of shalots in a pan?

You're like, okay, this sounds crazy, but I'll do it.

I'll try it.

But she's like a traditional and she doesn't want the long spring onion.

She wants it chopped in little bits.

When you say this is made by an old Irish lady, is it made by your mum or just any old Irish lady?

And it's like an old lady with a cardigan and like her kitchen really smells nice and really bakery-ish.

And then she'll come out and she will bring it out.

And she'll be like, How are you, love?

Ah, here you are.

Aren't you great?

And then she'll give it to you.

And she'll be like, do you have that now?

And would you like anything more?

And then it will just be the whole experience of her be it just her being there.

She's an amalgamation of many wonderful old Irish women.

Yeah, she kind of looks like maybe like Brenda Fricker or something.

I don't know.

It's like, yeah, she'll just be very comforting and nice and have lovely apple tart.

This is our first shout out for Brenda Frick, is it?

Brenda Fricker.

Brenda Fricker.

Oscar Winner.

Oscar Winner and

of course the Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2.

Yes.

Yeah yeah yeah.

I was going to say, is that the Pigeon Lady from Homebert?

Pigeon Lady from Home Alone too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brenda Fricker.

So Brenda Fricker to give me an apple tart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want her to be dressed as the pigeon lady when she brings you your apple tart?

Why not?

For a bit of the experience.

Why not?

I'll tell you why not.

She's covered in shit.

For a kickoff.

Yeah.

That's why I choose not the pigeon lady.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe the pigeon lady post-shower avec apple tart.

Yeah.

That would work for me.

Yeah.

She never gets the shower though, does she, poor lady?

No, she doesn't.

Yeah, and they've got that massive room.

She should be up there having a shower at the end when they're all there.

She should pop out the shower all clean and nice.

Thanks, Kevin.

yeah instead he just goes down to say goodbye to her again and while he's saying goodbye his dad shouts so loud from within the hotel that they hear it in the park of him going Kevin you spent this much on both service

and he's just looking at her and she's probably like you at a hotel this whole time where have you been staying oh the fanciest one back off I gave you a turtle dove for fuck's sake do you know what I had when I was a kid a talk girl, which is like the girl version of a talk boy that recorded.

Oh, great.

That was great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you you could record your voice slow on it.

Yeah.

So, but then I used to think I was going to be like a master suit.

I was like, I'll record this and be like, hello, this is the president.

I'm going to go with a gun.

But, like, I didn't know.

It was too scary to do that.

But, like, I did have a talk girl, though.

It's mad that in the 90s they were so obsessed with gendering stuff that they even extended it to voice recorders.

I know, it's so stupid.

We better call it a talk girl, otherwise, girls aren't going to want to use it.

I know, I know.

Was it pink?

It was pink with a purple microphone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly the same product.

This is is a talk girl, yeah, yeah, it's probably way more expensive as well, inevitably.

Thank you.

Finally, something for us,

or like you can approach yourself backwards as well, and you could try and like figure out how to say things backwards and say your name backwards.

I mean, my name backwards is Alokin, but it could never, it never sounded right when you reverse steps.

Alokin,

I was a lonely child obsessed with orphans,

Yeah, because home alone right up your street.

He's temporarily an orphan, right?

He gets to live the orphan life for a little bit.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

I don't think he's living the orphan life.

Sorry to butt in here.

I don't think that's what I took from the film, that he's living the orphan life.

Column is?

A bit, a bit.

I don't think orphans get the house and have to protect it.

I don't think that's part of your parents dying, is it?

Your parents aren't there anymore.

Yeah, you just got to fend for yourself.

Unfortunately, your parents have died, but don't worry.

We're sending you to New York for a spending spree.

Yeah.

Just you want your own but it's like i used to have a running joke in my 20s that i thought was really good and i don't know if anyone else enjoyed it where they're like if we're like we're going on a light out we're like are we all ready and i'm like yeah we are and then i go kevin and then i just

but i don't know if anyone really like really got into it but i still like yeah i still i still pull it out of the bag sometimes when it feels appropriate kevin i'd like that thanks i feel that was very cool i'd love yeah here's here's the thing is it is a question you want this pie baked by an old Irish lady?

Yep.

Any old Irish lady?

Yeah.

Because I guess it's just an old Irish lady's duty to make apple pies for anyone who wants them.

Yeah.

What are you going to do when you become an old Irish lady?

Dress like Brenda Fricker as the pigeon lady.

Okay.

And make pies for young children

people.

And adopt orphans, probably.

Yeah.

And give them my pies.

Okay.

Now.

I need to, do you make a pie now?

Have you started like training up to be an old Irish lady?

Or do you, is there just something about being an old irish lady as soon as you hit a certain age you're going to be like i know i've got to make a pie and i know exactly how well i think what's going to happen to me is i look a bit like a child but i think i'll look like a child until i'm 70 and then i'll look like an old woman i'll never look like an adult yeah it'll just never gonna happen i'll just be really old suddenly um but i do i like baking but then you know i've done bake-off which is very stressful which i thought would be really fun and it's incredibly it's incredib stressful isn't it yeah horrible but you did quite well on it didn't you um and obviously you're speaking to james a caster don't worry you can say you did well on it bearing in mind james acaster's in this conversation yeah fine say say say you did well good aren't you i didn't really do well i started off um

because i got really arrogant on it in that i made this sponge it came out of the oven looking like a perfect sponge from a museum of like this is what a sponge should look like and then i forgot it was meant to be um a swiss roll so i didn't roll it And then I was like, oh my god.

And then I try, if you ever tried to roll a cool sponge, it just breaks into loads of bits and it looks really sad.

And then those cameramen, they're trained for when you're going to screw up yeah and they just turn to you and then you're like but no no is that a thing like when you see all the cameramen turn in your peripheral vision you know that you've that's how you know you've up yeah completely or like they're trying to shoot in the oven and they're like can you move for a second and they're they're shooting your cake that's slowly sinking and you're like this is so shameful yeah the whole experience was it was very stressful i made a liza minelli tribute cake and then they cut out my best joke I was really sad about it where they were like my technical didn't go great and I was like but you know for the for the last one maybe this this time I'll be lucky, which is a reference to a song from Cowberry starring Laza Manelli, which is what the cake is about.

And they all went,

and then didn't include it in the final episode.

I was like, wow, Liza is not going to be happy about that.

And Paul Honeywood said it tasted musty, and I was really offended.

And then people say it to me all the time about my musty cake.

And I'm like, that's pretty rude.

Does it follow you around?

Does it?

Your appearance on Bake Off?

Sorry to hear that.

A little bit.

Oh, man.

I can't wait to do Bake Off and win it and rub it in James's stupid face.

Yeah, well, the thing is do you know the thing about bake-off that people don't really talk about is they make you wear the same clothes for two days so everyone stinky stinks on the second day james does that anyway that's why i i i stinky stank on the first day as well so i was fine

didn't matter he absolutely fricated it on the first day yeah i i turned up full fricker

Walked in the tent, and everyone was like, right, stay away from him.

Messed up all my bakes.

Oh, great.

I stinky stank on the first day.

No.

Did?

Absolutely stinky stank.

When I was on my way into, since we're showing photos in this episode, I'm going to show a photo now.

And no one can Google this either because it's not on the internet.

When I was going into my hotel on the night of, after the first day of bake-off, I was on my way up to my room.

I was really knackered.

And this drunk man was just standing in the corridor.

And he was looking at a painting.

And he just turned to me and went, mate, can you take a photo of me with this painting, please?

I love this painting.

I was like, yep.

And then I just took a photo of him on my phone and walked away.

He was so drunk that he didn't even realize what had happened.

He was really proud of it.

There it is.

There he is.

Just the man.

Of course, he's in

full Dickie Bo.

He's so happy.

Yep,

he's got his jacket in his hand.

His pistols are absolutely hammered.

And just standing next to that.

I love it.

Oh, it's a beautiful moment.

It was my phone background for quite a long time time after that.

Didn't mind it.

Right, I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

Yes, thank you.

See how you feel about it.

I mean, it's a pretty strong menu.

I know that you're excited about it.

I mean, I don't think we've ever had anyone who could be as excited because this is some of the stuff has been in your mind your whole life.

Yeah.

Still water to start with.

Yeah.

Popped on soil bread.

Maltese bread with olive oil, salt, and balsamic vinegar.

Starter.

Garlic crab claws in butter from Moran's.

Morins.

Morins.

Oyster Cottage, Galway.

Main course.

The Robbie Williams Stoke-on-Trent mystery rep.

Side dish, bangeran.

Drink, puzzled margarita.

Dessert, a hot apple tart with ice cream made by an old Irish woman.

Yes.

Amazing.

I would be so happy about that.

Oh my god.

I mean, I'd say it's an amazing menu.

The main course and the side, I don't really know what they are or what they taste like.

They're insane.

I lost it there.

Well, I did, you think of, I did get locked out and lost my mind slightly.

So that could have had an effect on the sort of middle ones.

And then I kind of got back into it.

So that could have a lot to do with it.

But look, what are we going to do?

But our main thing from this episode is we need to find out from Robbie Williams what was in the rap that he ate in Stoke on Trent in the 90s VHS.

Take that.

Just for the listener, because there's going to be quite a lot of editing in this episode, I think.

I just want the listener to know this has been a technical disaster from beginning to end.

Yes.

Mainly myself.

We had a gap of about 20 minutes where we had to sort Nicola's connection out again because she she somehow pulled her microphone, computer, and headphones off the table and everything ran out of battery at exactly the same time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She locked herself out of a flat.

Let's not forget that moment.

Yeah.

There was such a big delay on Nicola's connection at one point that James made a joke and she laughed at it 10 minutes later.

But we very much enjoyed having you in the dream restaurant, Nicola.

And it's good that you've actually used the dream restaurant for what it's for.

You've asked to pull something from history, basically, that you couldn't get anywhere else.

Yeah, I mean, look, we've started doing redemption dinner dinner parties.

Undoubtedly you're going to be invited on one of them because you've been an absolute disaster.

So

thanks Nicola.

Thank you so much.

Well there we have it.

A wonderful episode with Nicola Cochran.

We've started a mystery there as well James with the magical wrap.

Yep, a mystery that

we know that our dedicated listeners will be able to go out and find.

They'll be able to solve that mystery and we we really appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

Thank you in advance to Bleasdale and the gang.

Yeah.

And she did not say Papa John's garlic sauce.

Thank God.

She said a lot of weird stuff, but she didn't say Papa John's garlic sauce.

If she said Papa John's garlic sauce, we'd send Ribbon and Bleasdale around to...

I'll be chucking out the restaurant, I guess.

Yeah, a couple of street tufts.

Our bouncers are.

They're the bouncers now.

Yeah, I don't know if anyone knows this.

They've always been the bouncers.

Every time,

like Jade Adams, we had to kick her out the restaurant.

It was Ribbon and Bleasedale had to do it.

Ribbon and Bleasedle came in, grabbed her by the scruff of the neck, chucked her out.

See you later.

So, obviously, look, Nicola's in loads of stuff.

Go and watch Dairy Girls.

Go and watch Bridgeton.

She did the Taskmaster New Year's treat episode as well, one-off episode of Taskmaster, which is very, very good.

She was great on that.

You can go and check that out.

Yeah, and she was a guest on your podcast, the Taskmaster podcast.

If anyone wants to listen to that, yes, if you're a fan of Taskmaster and you want to hear it deconstructed to the point it's probably not fun anymore, then check out the Taskmaster podcast.

We did all of series 10 then we've gone back to the beginning we're doing all the old episodes oh you haven't done the best series yet not done not done nine yet no uh but we'll get to that first series season series nine full of dum-dums no seven series seven is the best no it's full of absolute dum-dums thickles wall-to-wall thickos that's how that series is known i can't fully deny that actually yeah

they're all great that's what's good about the show is it's all good stuff uh so go listen to that keep listening to this check out our social media at OffMenuOfficial

on Instagram and Twitter and offmenupodcast.co.uk on the internet.

Yes.

Oh, and my other podcast, Perfect Sounds, about the music of 2016.

We talk about it so much, it becomes interesting.

Ah,

you reconstruct it.

Yes, the opposite of the Taskmaster podcast.

I've been on that, haven't I, James?

You have.

You're on the bonus episode where we talked about Jeff Rosenstock's worry album.

And I'm trying to get Ed on for another special bonus episode as well.

Fingers crossed, he's a tough guy to book.

Yeah, I'm pretty busy at the moment.

What with this?

Exactly.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast.

We will see you again soon in the Dream Restaurant.

Don't be a stranger.

If you enjoyed this podcast, can I interest you in a totally different podcast that's not about food and doesn't have James A Caster or Ed Gamble, but I would say is quite fun.

No, thank you.

Oh, okay, not to worry.

If you change your mind at a later date, it's called Nobody Panic.

Right.

It's hosted by me, Tessa Coates, and my friend Stevie Martin.

Which is weirdly me.

And we tackle all kinds of how-tos from big things to small things.

How to stop saying sorry, how to poo, how to break up with someone, how to quit your job, how to relax, how to have a conversation, how to deal with unrequited love.

A smorgasbord of thing.

Absolutely.

We have a nice time.

People seem to like it.

If you like, you can come and see what all the fuss is about.

All that fuss.

What's it called?

Nobody panic.

You can find it on all of the podcast apps that you would imagine it would be on.

Please have a listen.

We get it.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah.

Go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.