Ep 87: Sarah Millican (Christmas Special)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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I have.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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welcome to the off-menu podcast christmas special here we are i came up with an intro james about creme brulee and then i realized it was a christmas special and i probably should have come up with a christmassy intro yes yeah you need a festive intro really a festive intro,

pulling the cracker of chat and reading the joke of food, putting on the crown of humor.

I was maybe going to say, like,

Christmas time,

podcasts and wine.

Anyway, welcome to the Off-Menu Christmas special.

Very exciting to be here.

It's our second Christmas special of this year.

Thank you very much for listening to the Russell Howard one last week.

We enjoyed all the lovely comments.

Thank you.

Christmas comes but twice a year.

So this week we're very excited to have another special guest.

What are the special guests doing, James?

Our special guests are going to tell us their favorite ever starter main course dessert side dish drink and a special little Christmas course as well where they tell us their favourite Christmas foods.

And this week's guest is

Sarah

Milliken.

The wonderful Sarah Milliken.

I feel like she should have been on the podcast years ago, James.

She's the absolute perfect guest.

She's a brilliant comedian,

has talked about food on stage before.

Exactly.

We had to hold Sarah back for a Christmas episode because it's such a gift, everybody.

You know, this episode's going to be good before we've even recorded it.

We can all be well.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

It's Christmas.

Me and James have got to the stage of Christmas where we've eaten so much we can't even speak words anymore.

Oh, so much turkey, so much,

oh God.

What are you most looking forward to about Christmas food, James?

Oh, I love pigs in blankets and obviously I love this, all the dessert guilt just goes out the window and I can eat puddings all day long and I don't care because it's Christmas and the calories don't count baby.

They don't count, baby.

But to be fair, the calories don't count all year round off menu towers or indeed

in your own homes.

Ignore the numbers.

Eat what you like.

So let's have a chat to the wonderful sarah milliken but i hope james on christmas she doesn't pick the secret ingredient that means we have to kick her out the restaurant not on christmas oh and the secret ingredient that we have deemed is disgusting this week is bubblegum bubblegum bubblegum anything bubblegum flavoured including bubblegum itself get out of here i don't know why it's a thing yep Bubblegum flavoured stuff, ridiculous.

Actual bubblegum, overrated, loses its flavor after a couple of chews, and then the bubbles aren't worth it, let's face it.

No, thank you.

So, if Sarah picks anything bubblegum flavoured on this most holy of days, she will be removed from the restaurant.

Sarah's going on tour.

We should mention that now, and we're going to mention it in the outro.

That's how important we think it is.

She's going on tour.

She's got a new show called Bobby Dazzler.

It starts in May 2021, and you can get tickets from sarahmillican.co.uk.

Lovely, lovely stuff.

Oh, Ed, I feel like the rhythm of this means that now I've got to intro the episode and go into it.

and maybe not

used to that.

No, okay.

Well, why don't you give it a go, man?

It's Christmas.

Okay.

Well, everybody, yo-ho-ho with a bottle of rum.

It's Christmas time.

And let's talk to

here is the dream menu of Sarah Millikan.

Welcome, Sarah Millikan, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thanks.

I'm I'm so excited.

Oh, oh, my God, there's sound effects and everything.

Welcome, Sarah Millikan, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Oh, have you?

Oh, I literally only got the invitation.

We invite people, but the booking is perpetual and exists in the ether forevermore.

Fair enough.

I mean, I've been listening for a long time and I've been shouting out all of my answers on the dog walk.

I've heard them all.

I've heard them all from within my lamp, and I can't wait to hear them all again and hear what the short list was and what you narrowed it down to.

Because on the dog walks, I've heard many different suggestions depending on your mood that day.

It's always the same.

You're listening to the wrong person.

You've been tuning into the wrong person on a dog walk, I'm afraid.

I've been listening to the dogs.

I've been listening to the dogs.

That explains everything.

There's definitely people who live in your local area who are listening to this and they already know the answer because they've heard you screaming it at the top of your voice.

Yeah.

Or just disagreeing with whoever's on.

I mean, that's part of the fun, isn't it?

Absolutely.

Is there anyone from your listening history with Off Menu that has particularly ground your gears?

I mean, Vesa Yem, Victoria Corrin Mitchell, and Applowmans.

What on earth was happening there?

Just a selection of disparate things on a plate.

No, no.

Like, nobody's in.

It's just chopping, isn't it?

It's not even cooking.

It's chopping.

And it's arranging.

That's what it is.

That's not cooking.

That's arranging.

And also, I mean, as you'll find out, I've got a big problem with cheese anyway.

So, yeah, anything that centres around cheese, I'm not having anything to do with.

Somebody I did really respect though was

Greg Davis.

I've listened to that one twice, because I just love the moment.

The moment before Ed knows what's about to happen.

The moment he realises that no starter is occurring.

It's just beautiful, beautiful podcast.

I'll be honest, Sarah, your comments on cheese and then saying that you respect Greg Davis for having no starter really, it really spells out this is going to be a tricky episode for me.

I feel great.

Yeah.

I think if James knows anything about me, he knows that there's definitely going to be a pudding.

So,

I mean, maybe for all of the courses.

Well, that would be a first that I wouldn't necessarily welcome, but

what a Christmas episode that would be.

Triple puddings.

With sides, a puddin drink, like a milkshake for the drink.

an iced bun for the bread.

Oh, heaven.

Also, good to see VCM getting her getting the plowmans knocked out of her hands.

Love it.

Thank you for doing that.

It's too, I can say she was going for classic, but there's classic and there's arranged food.

That's it is not a proper meal.

It's what you do when you've got bits and bobs left after Christmas, isn't it?

It's a picky tea.

It's a fancy picky tea, is all it is.

I think she was trolling us big time.

I think she knew what reaction it was going to get.

She refused to back.

That was the annoying thing about it, is she refused to back down.

She wouldn't even have a discussion about it.

She was like, no, Plowman's, it's the best.

I eat sandwiches in the loo, and I love plowmans.

I remember the sandwiches and the loo.

That made me think I could probably start going to dinner parties.

I didn't know that was an option that you could bring safety food.

So we always start with still or sparkling water.

Which one of these have you been shouting out in the park?

Which one of these do people think your dog is named?

Sam Medica's got a dog called Sparkling, you know.

Question, actually.

Am I?

Because

all the episodes I've listened to, which is quite a lot, it doesn't specify whether you're on your own in the restaurant or if there are other tables with people at them.

It's totally up to you.

It's your dream restaurant.

You can populate it with people.

You can have no one else in there.

Because that changes my water taste, I suppose.

Because if there's somebody I look like I feel like I should impress, then I would have still.

And if I'm on my own and nobody knows, I'll have tap.

So I think what I'd like is nobody else there, but to make it less awkward, maybe some ambient music.

So, like a man at a piano playing maybe like Christmas songs badly.

So it's quite entertaining.

But can he be over there?

Because I once sat in a restaurant and I asked them to turn down the music because it's too loud.

And she pointed out the man on the piano behind me because i'm not that observant

so a man on a piano over there so the man on the piano when you asked him to turn down the music all he heard was the lady he was sat next to me playing the piano go could you turn the music down

to shut the up can you just play i don't know if you just touch the keys a bit more lightly i don't know how you turn the piano

play over the lid

that would be that would have been amazing but yeah he was too loud and they were like and she literally just went oh sorry i can't and she pointed and i was like oh there's a man on it i'd never been anywhere where there'd been a man on a piano it felt dead posh so if i'm on my own i will have tap water please because it's just the same as still but i'm not being charged for it i know it's a dream restaurant and all that but

no i agree even in my dream restaurant i'd have i'd have tap definitely because it's just no different Also, you feel like really down to earth as well when you kick off by saying tap.

Oh, that's interesting.

Because I think if I'm trying to impress somebody, I'd have still because I think they think, oh, she can afford it.

When really, what I should be like, I'm woman of the people, I'm having tap.

Yeah, but I'm constantly battling against people thinking I'm the poshest man in the universe.

So if I go tap, I'm like, I'm like, one of you chaps.

When Ed says tap to a waiter, they think he's asking them to dance for him.

You tap, you jive, chuck up,

turn that piano down.

Do you want anyone in particular playing the piano?

Oh, that's a good question.

Um, somebody who's quite good,

but not really.

I don't want to be, yeah, I don't want anybody playing something where I'm like, I don't know what that is.

I want to be able to recognise the tunes, proper tunes.

Uh, so somebody who, like, mid-range, doesn't have to be famous, but better than I am.

I can only play with one hand, which is limiting.

You don't want to be sat at dinner and then not really listening to the music, and then you just tune into it and you just hear it in the distance.

You're like, I think that's the Rugrats theme tune.

Is that the theme from Midnight Caller?

Oh, you're probably too young for that.

Every now and again, someone says something on the podcast that I know is going to end up on the No Context Off menu Twitter account.

And when you said, I can only play with one hand and it's limiting, I was like, well, that's going.

That's amazing.

the vegan thing.

I mean, that's also true.

But I'm really good with that hand.

Yeah, okay.

Don't get it twisted, everyone.

Same as an expert with that hand.

Yeah.

Not an expert.

An expert.

That sounds too much.

Do you want someone in the distance doing that as well?

Well, I mean, if I'm on my own, maybe I could be doing that to myself, couldn't I?

Depends how good the food is, right?

Yeah.

And if I've got, like, instead of having cutlery, if I just have like a spoon, I can keep the other hand busy.

It's fine.

And then it'll be, the pianist will be the one going to the waiters.

Can you ask her to turn it down?

Keep it down.

It's too noisy over on that table, please.

I'm trying to play the piano over here.

She's having.

She's dropped in the rugrats theme.

Pop it absorb bread.

Pop it up soft bread, Sarah Millican.

I think, so I've got another question.

Are there repercussions in the dream restaurant?

For example, I have a slight lactose and gluten intolerance, which I just ride out.

I just eat what I like and drink what I like, and I just deal with the consequences, which are sometimes horrific.

For example, I once had a pizza in a restaurant, a pub, with my friend.

They'd only just got a pizza of them.

We got very excited.

We ordered pizzas.

I ate the pizza, and then we didn't have dessert, but we did have a cup of tea.

And I had shat it out before I'd finished my cup of tea.

And I had a real problem with the fact that I still had to pay for it when I wasn't even able to take it home.

So I'd like bread, but can I have like an IBS-free meal?

Yeah, for sure.

Is that all right?

It's your dream.

Yeah, we can sort that out for you.

Thanks.

Because

I just deal with it.

I don't avoid it.

We've got our dog has IBS and I have to cook special meals for him.

And I do that for him, but I don't care about me.

And I just like, ah, custard, jugs are custard.

Just shovel everything in.

That is really bad for me.

And then I'm like, oh, my belly hurts.

I wonder why um well I would like bread and I would like any kind of bread that hasn't got bits in it because I'm still fairly northern and working class and I would like the main thing is as many of your guests have mentioned is the butter with a little bit of salt on the top because bread is sort of a spoon for butter isn't it That's all bread is for.

If people have dry bread, I only got into butter.

That's a weird sentence.

When I got divorced, never liked butter.

And then I was crying one day at my desk at work, and one of the girls was like, Oh, I've ordered this buttery toast from the canteen and I don't want it.

Now, does anybody else want it?

And I was like, I'll have it.

And then my taste buds were awoken with the delights of butter.

So I lost a husband and a future and happiness and all of that.

But I got butter.

And honestly, I think it's a fairly good trade.

I think that's a pretty good trade.

Yeah.

Because now I've got a husband, new one, and but new.

Should I call him new?

I don't know.

it's only 15 years in and i've got a husband and i've got butter which is the best of all worlds if you had to give up any food for your new husband so obviously you welcome butter into your life yeah uh with with the divorce if you had to reject a food to marry again what food would you have given up for your new husband can it be something i don't like yeah of course yeah yeah yeah you're well liver liver

there you go also i have a question uh when you first tried butter that that buttery toast at work when you were upset, did the salt from your tears mix with the butter?

And is that why you loved it so much?

I think that might be it.

That's exactly right, because it must have just been, because it would have just been like standard or boring butter.

But the salt from my tears has made Nicole.

This is incredible.

And that's why I only have salty butter now.

Oh, my God.

You've really, you've really unwrapped that in such an excellent way that I...

I didn't even know that about myself, James Aircasta.

Well done, and thank you.

Thank you.

That's what I mean.

It's very, very very difficult to seem down to earth in a restaurant when you hand the butter back to the waiter and say, Could you go and cry on that one?

Tap, tap, cry.

Tap and cry.

The man on the piano is already crying because I told him to turn it down.

Stick that under his arm.

The woman who's constantly masturbating wants me to cry to the butter.

This is the worst day.

It's already my bestie.

It's her dream, apparently.

What's wrong with this lady?

And she gave me IBS, it was part of the trade.

It has to go somewhere.

You keep your one hand, you don't get salt on your masturbating hand, because that would be.

I mean, I've never tried it, especially if it's that crunchy, you know, not like just table salt.

Crunchy rock salt.

Oh, it's sharp.

That's the point, though, actually.

If we are taking the IBS away from you, I have to put it somewhere.

I have to put it into another person.

Because I can't just, I'm a genie, I'm a bit tricksy like that.

So who do you want me to give your IBS to for the duration of this meal?

Can you divide it up into loads of little bits of IBS and give it to every single person who's asked for a cheese board on this podcast?

Yeah, oh, absolutely.

Bristol, enjoy your IBS.

Ed, yeah, you could have a double dose of it.

Oh, that's an IBS.

Jess Phillips?

I'd quite like a bit, actually.

If they're having a cheese board instead of a pudding, then it's very, there's dairy in there.

There'll be bread in there.

There's loads of terrible IBS things.

so they'll really regret that.

Oh, yeah, not choosing a proper pudding.

This is brilliant.

My girlfriend has similar problems to you, Sarah.

And she does that thing where she just eats what she wants and then goes out loud, oh, I'll just take the consequences.

Yeah.

Never fully realizing that the consequences aren't just on her.

We do live together, so I am, you know, part and parcel of everything that happens to her, also to some extent, does happen to my life as well.

You know, for illness, you know, sickness and in health, you know, that's one of of the things, isn't it?

For IBS and for not, but also, whenever, like, my husband once,

so we did the Edinburgh Festival together, as in both did shows at the same time.

We decided to stay in a hotel rather than staying in a crappy flat that was the same price as a hotel.

So, and it had, it was one of those hotel rooms that's got the bath in the room.

And I was sitting in the bath, and he was pacing, learning his show.

And at one point, I did such a terrible thought, and it came because obviously it hits the air further away from your ass because you've been in the bath, so it's it comes to the surface.

And in the middle of him chuntering, learning his short, he stopped and he went crikey and then carried on.

And I'm really proud of that.

But every time he says, like, like exactly like you, Ed, that he's also suffering, I say, yeah, but you're not suffering as much as I am.

And that is also true when you share

your friend.

Yeah, I will.

What kind of bread, though?

Because we've got the salty butter.

Bread without bits.

No bits.

No bits.

No bits.

And white, not brown.

Even though I could have brown with IBS, but with no IBS, but no, white has to be white.

And like crusty, but I have I haven't got great teeth.

Uh, I've got a I've got a lot of fillings,

and I think sometimes like a sourdough might, it's just too much.

So, something that is generic crusty bloomer.

Uh, we used to call it cutty bread because you've got to cut it.

We're so sophisticated here.

What did you call the avocado bread?

that's not

in your house?

Did you say, you know what, that's the best thing since cutty bread?

Well, we come to your starter.

I'm not hopeful, I'll be honest.

With all the chat at the beginning, I'm not hopeful with this.

Is she going to do a Davis?

That's what I'm worried about.

So you'll do it and see.

So with a starter, starter is never my favourite bit.

What I like to do is have a look.

I like the menus in a restaurant that have the the puddins on as well, because you know, sometimes they do, and sometimes they're on a separate menu and they keep it all, you know, mysterious.

I like a menu that has the puddins on as well, because then I can go, well, I'm going to have that puddin, so I'll have no starter, which is generally the rule.

But if there's no good puddins, if they're all very sort of nutty or coffee or anything I don't really like, in which case I'll probably have a starter.

But I always struggle with starters because starters are always full of things I don't like.

So I'm not keen on fish, I don't like seafood, I don't like cheese, cheese.

I don't like mushrooms.

So, all starters seem to be full of all of those things.

But I don't want to have no starter because I saw how much it kicked off with Greg.

And also, I don't, I'm not like Greg.

I don't think starters are rude.

And I would rather, if somebody else has eaten, I'm not going to sit and watch.

I would like to eat as well.

So, I'm going to ask for something that wouldn't normally be considered a starter as my starter, if that's all right.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Yes.

I would like

two Gregg's pasties.

So when I was worried about you doing a Davis, I should have been more worried about you doing a Gregg's.

Two Gregg's pasties.

And obviously, they'd have to go to the shop for them.

They can't.

I don't want a restaurant version of a Gregg's.

I want a proper Gregg's pasty.

So, in which case, it depends what time of day you go in.

You know this when if they've just come out of the oven, if they've been out a while, if they've had a rush on, if they haven't had a rush on, so you always have to have two orders in your mind: if it's cold, if it's warm, and they're not always the same thing.

So, if they're warm, I'll have two sausage, bean, and cheese melts, please.

And if they're cold, I'll have corned beef and potato because you can eat corned beef at any temperature, as a rule.

And I would like those delivered in the Greggs paper bag so that you can fold it around and have the Greggs lowly coming out the top.

Now, we have not had Gregs mentioned on this food podcast yet.

So, let's

delve into the world of Greggs, what you love about it, where your love affair with it started.

I want to know everything about you and Greggs.

Well, I'm from South Shields, and I was once stopped in South Shields town centre by a woman who recognised Beno, done a little bit of telly by then.

And she had a little kid in a boogie

and he had a sausage roll sticking out the top of the paper bag from Gregs.

And she said, will you pose for a photo with my son?

There's a toddler.

Somewhere, there's a photograph of me looking like annoyed with a toddler looking perplexed as to why there's a woman hovering over his sausage room.

But I always worked near a Gregg's.

So when I worked in shops and when I worked in offices, it was always the place you go.

And I'm a creature of habit.

I'll always have exactly the same lunch for about six months.

And then I'll be like, I'm going to change it up a bit.

And then I'll have a slightly different lunch for six months.

So I would always have, because they didn't, because I predate sausage, bean and cheese milk, they're quite modern.

I would always have a corned beef and potato pasty too if I was hungry.

And then I would have a custard slice, vanilla slice, custard slice, the custardy ones, not the, yeah, a custard slice and a carton of ribena.

So much sugar in that.

Oh my god.

And I think when they opened at service stations, that's when, because I, because I didn't work in an office, you know,

for 15 years I've been a comic, but then when they started opening up in service stations, I thought, oh, now you're talking.

And that's why you always stop at Wetherby, don't you?

Because you don't even have to go in.

Yes.

You can just have a wee at the garage bit, which the queue's never big, and you can get a pasta on the outside.

Now, at service stations, all the Gregs are always outside the main services, aren't they?

And someone told me that was something about like the kitchen in the oven, and that they need their own separate kitchen from the I don't know.

Someone said there was a rule about Gregs.

Is it like when ACDC play festivals, they demand their own stage?

Is it that sort of thing?

Greg's are the ACDC of fast food.

I feel like it's something where they're an outsider and the people who own all the places inside, all your upper crust and all of that shenanigans, have all gone, Gregg's is too big a risk to have indoors with us.

We need to have it outside.

And also, there's often a queue, so you do have to go inside and have a massive giant bread catastrophe like Upper Crust.

I don't have teeth for uppercrust.

I've not had a Gregg's in

years.

I don't think I've lived near a Gregg's for long enough.

When I lived at my mum's, there was a Gregg's around the corner and I think I got Gregg's every day.

Yeah.

Then when I was at university in Durham, there wasn't a Gregg's, it was a Peter's, which is a phenomenal bakery chain as well.

A huge shout out to Peter's Bakery.

Durham wouldn't allow a Gregg's.

Durham's a bit posh.

Well, there you go.

Perfect for me.

Yeah.

He loves it.

But I used to eat Gregg's every day when I lived at my mum's.

And sausage, I remember sausage, bean and cheese melt coming in and being excited about it.

Yeah, and I don't like cheese.

So that's why it has to be warm because otherwise it tastes like cheese.

It just tastes like glue otherwise, which I'm fine with.

And my complaint about sausage, bean and cheese melt is there's not enough cheese in it.

And they call it it's a sausage and bean malt that you can barely pick up on the cheese.

Maybe that's why I like it then.

Yeah.

Just

a mere whisper.

of cheese in there.

That's all there is.

Just a little bit of string when you pull it away.

That's all.

So you don't want a sausage roll roll in this starter?

No, interesting.

That is interesting because it's a thing of beauty.

It's a British institution, the Greg sausage roll.

Yeah.

But then when they bring the vegan one out, and well done, the vegans, and it's great, but they still call it a sausage roll and it's not sausage.

This is the problem I have with vegan food.

I don't have a problem with vegans at all.

But the problem with vegan food is that it's always pretending it's something it's not, isn't it?

It's always a vegan sausage roll.

What they want to say is, it's some nuts chopped up into a shape.

It doesn't roll off the tongue the same way, does it?

Rule on the end.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I remember, like, in secondary school when me and my friends just, like, discovered that the hot sausage rolls in the canteen were the best food we'd ever tasted.

And it would, I'd be so excited for lunchtime and getting a sausage roll.

Because also, I had packed lunches.

My parents, you know, were like, don't go and get stuff from the canteen.

It's really bad for you.

And then when I discovered those sausage rolls, I'm like, I'm basically,

I'll basically be hovering around my mates, hoping to get some scraps

or they're buying me one because they were good, good guys.

But, oh man, the hot sausage roll.

Now you've talked about Greg's, all I can think of is that I want a hot sausage roll now.

Yes, I think.

And the fact that that's not on your starters, I mean, I really respect what you have got on your starters, but like, I really,

I'm kind of shedding a little tear for our absent friend, the hot sausage roll from Greg's.

But I mean, a sausage bean and cheese melt has got a sausage roll within that, though, because it's got the pastry, it's got the sausage.

I just can make sausage rolls.

I have made sausage rolls.

They don't get cold in our house.

They just get eaten warm.

But I can't make a sausage, bean, and cheese melt.

I wouldn't know how to stop it leaking all over the shop.

So I think I like to eat something I can't make when I'm in a restaurant because otherwise, why bother?

Like if I just came in here and had like a plowman's.

Sorry.

She's going to get a bat run.

Also, just to let you know, you're absolutely not missing out on Upper Crust at all.

You're missing out on absolutely nothing.

That place should be ashamed of itself.

The driest food in the world.

Yeah, I mean, the thing is about Upper Crust is they were innovators when they started, right?

They had the run of the place.

When they've been around for so long at the train stations, all of that.

It was that was your choice for a fancy sandwich was Upper Crust, but they've not moved with the times.

Sorry, guys.

Something you could have in a train station that's probably tastier than that is something from the buddy shop.

Yeah.

Much rather sucking a soap.

Yeah.

Just a banana conditioner, something like that.

Yeah.

Although, credit to Upper Crust, the name is fitting.

It is basically that is all you're getting there.

It's a big old crust.

I'm not good with baguettes.

I've got to suck them till they go soft.

And I mean, that's just everything.

No context.

Having a field day.

Should be working his fingers to the bone during this episode.

Like Sarah during a meal.

And do you want it that we've got like a little Greg's bakery outside the dream restaurant, like at a service station?

I'm not really bothered, even you could just send a young man on a bike.

I'm not, I just, I want an authentic.

I don't want something that is, oh, we've done that, but we've put some time in it.

And no, no, no, don't fancy up a Greg, just a basic Greg's pasty, please.

I was going to say a donut, but we're not just going to Gregg's.

I forgot we're in a restaurant, aren't we?

what a great podcast that would be so right uh we're at greg's what do you want every single episode actually though i feel like if we if we move on from this people are going to want to know

if it was just in greg's this episode what would your dream meal be if it was all gregg's

I think I would, they are really good on the jam doughnuts because the, what I call the jam anus is always very visible.

Because I don't trust one way, I can't see the exit entry of the jam.

Because what if there's none?

What if I get it home and it's just a ring doughnut with a dry middle?

I mean, this is pointless.

Ring doughnuts, I call diet donuts

because they are.

The good thing about Gregs is you can say, oh, can you put them in separate bags?

And then they think you work in an office and you're getting like loads of things for other people.

And you go away with so many separate bags and just sit and eat them all in the park.

I think I would have still a custard slice, but I would have to eat that in private because they're really hard to eat politely.

So I'd probably just put that in my handbag.

I did actually, oh, I was once at T-Bay Services.

I mean, is there a better services?

And I dropped a custard

tart, not a custard slice.

And I dropped it on the floor of the toilet, but it landed on the foil.

And I thought, it's probably all right.

So

it's teabay.

Exactly.

Clean as a mouse.

It's a better class of toilets as well.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, yeah.

So, yeah, and I'd probably have a carton of ribi in it, even though I think these days I might find that a bit too sweet.

Toothkind, you can get some toothkind.

Oh, that's true.

Yes, maybe we'll get that.

It's something I really don't understand that it seems to be on a lot of like a master chef and all those kind of programmes was when they say something's too sweet.

And I don't always really understand what that means.

Because if somebody's made a dessert and they're like, oh, it's too sweet.

And I, what did you, what did you want in it?

It's a dessert.

Like, I don't, I don't know that there's such thing as too sweet i mean obviously i agree with you but here he goes i do like i do like a bit of salt in dessert to cut through i i know what like if it's just all sweet all of the time i like it when there's like a salty element to it or another a citrusy element cutting through or because otherwise you can't distinguish between the flavours what lifts up the the rest of the flavors it just it can be one flavor

i feel very strongly like we're heading towards the dessert being a bucket of sherbet here.

Gregg's used to be on my fat boy lunch tour when I was a bigger boy and I used to eat loads and loads of lunch and I didn't really have much going on.

I used to just go to the Italian deli around the corner from my mum and get usually like an aubergine parmigiana thing and like a cibata.

Then I'd go to Gregg's and I'd pick up a couple of pasties.

Then I'd go to the corner shop and get a packet of biscuits.

And that was pretty much lunch at least five times a week.

And I'd just go home and I'd watch TV and eat that.

And honestly, I miss it so much.

It's so nice to hear it's Slimmer Boy missing his fatter days.

Oh, God, because

it's not like when I was doing it, I was like, oh, why am I eating so much?

I'm so sad.

I'd love it.

Every second of it.

Yeah.

See, lockdown, I think, for me, the whole of 2020 has been, you know, when you get, you eat so much crap over Christmas and you've permanently got your hand in the sweets.

And, you know, some people are eating cheese constantly and all these things.

And then you sort of snap, like on a day between Christmas and Boxing Day, sorry, Christmas and New Year, and you think, God, I just need a fucking apple.

That's where I'm currently at.

In terms of, but the whole year has been eating rubbish.

And now I'm like, okay, now I need a stick of celery.

Yeah.

What was lovely about that description is halfway through you went, and some people are snacking on cheese as if to bring me into the conversation.

I tried.

I've not forgotten about you, Ed, trying to include you.

And you know, Sama knows how to work a room.

She's a professional pummer.

She wants everyone to understand the routine, make it accessible for as many people as possible.

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So we come to your main course.

So we wave goodbye to Greg's.

We walk out.

You've either got some hot pasties or some cold pasties in your tongue.

What's next?

So it's a version of a roast, I suppose.

Gary does an incredible, husband, Gary Delaney, does an an incredible roast chicken, and we've made sure that he's never told me how to do it because it might come to that point in our relationship when, you know, when there's just a couple of threads keeping it together, and I think one will be baked potatoes and one will be roast chicken.

And if I know how to do those, then that relationship is on the rocks.

So he's never shown me I'm not allowed in the room when he's doing it.

I know he turns it upside down at one point.

I know he stuffs it with things, but I don't know any of the things.

It's magic and it is incredible.

And I try as much as I can to eat some flesh and skin rather than just the skin.

I would happily just skin a chicken and eat that.

Some chicken skin with a little bit of flesh.

So a thing that's happened in 2020 for us is for years we've had what we call cheaty roast potatoes, which would be like an anti-Bessie frozen type thing or maybe at Christmas a fancy Marxies ready to go in the oven thing.

And then Gary tried rose potatoes one because he was like, I can never, I don't know, they're too faffy.

I'll never be able to do them as well as everybody else can, as well as all the ready ones.

And he tried them, and it turns out they're quite easy and they're incredible.

And we can never go back.

So I would have his rose potatoes, which he goes into the garden.

This is what it's like living a countryside, and brings some rosemary in from the garden.

Our lives are very different to what they used to be.

I don't know what I was expecting there.

That he went in.

I'd imagine him cooking them in the garden so you couldn't see how he was doing them.

He has to go in a bush and chop them up, so I don't see how he prepares them.

Sometimes he leaves the skin on and I show my disapproval by leaving some and he realises it.

I don't want to teach him, but I want him to learn.

So those, and I would also have my Yorkshire puddings.

And I know you're not supposed to have the with chicken, just with beef, but we have Yorkshire puddings with, I mean, back in the day when I had freezer surprise sometimes when I was busy, I'd have like a frozen lasagna and Yorkshire puddings because it it was whatever was in the freezer.

So you can have Yorkshire puddings.

You also, if you don't have Yorkshire puddings, where do you have your well of gravy that you dip your other things in?

Because you've got to create a well.

So I'm going to have chicken.

I'm going to have roast potatoes.

I'm going to have Yorkshire pudding.

I'm going to have gravy.

And I think the gravy can just be like instant gravy because I'm not really...

bothered.

I don't know that I can really tell.

I don't have sophisticated taste buds enough that I could be like,

yeah, that's definitely not being just out of a kettle and a jar.

So, that's what I'm going to choose for my meal.

There's still some stuff to unpack.

For one, the phrase, freezer surprise, which you threw out there like it was normal.

And you went, Sometimes we have freeze a surprise and then you can't.

Freeze surprise.

Cheaty roast potatoes was thrown out there as well.

Presumably, they go very well with cutty bread for a picky tea.

Freeze a surprise, Sarah.

What's going on?

So, freeze a surprise.

So, you know, when you're really busy and you're traveling a lot, and like I went on Jamie and Jimmy's kitchen-y cooking programme, I can't remember the name of it.

And it was great fun, but they said to me, What is your favorite meal from around the world?

And we'll show you how to make that.

And I was like, I don't, I often eat microwave dinners.

And they were initially appalled.

And then, smart, went, well, what's your favorite microwave dinner?

And we'll teach you how to cook that and do it better.

Great.

But it took three hours.

And the microwave meal takes three minutes, 30 seconds.

And sometimes, as you all know, when you're busy, you've got 10 minutes and you've got to cook and eat in that time.

And you want something hot, so you want a tinner soup or you want a microwave dinner.

So freezer surprise is something where you grab something out of the freezer that you can nuke in the microwave and you put it with something else in the freezer that doesn't always go.

So I have many times had frozen lasagna and Yorkshire puddings.

And it's really nice.

Is it a surprise in the sense do you pull it out of there and put it in the microwave before you know what it is?

No, I don't do it with my eyes shut.

Piercing the filmed lid with your eyes closed.

No, the surprise is that you don't know until you see what you've got what you're going to have.

It's not pre-prepared.

You haven't planned anything.

It's just those two things will roughly go.

Will they both feed me and fill me up?

Done.

That's it.

I'm surprised neither of you know what freezer surprise is.

I thought it was the thing everybody did.

I had an idea of what it might be, but it's the way you said freezer surprise as if that was the universal terminology for it well sometimes we have freezer surprise obviously

yeah well we do that because because obviously at the minute we're oh god i really miss being able to just go oh we can't bother to cook let's just go to the pub and every day we're like what do we have everything we have to order the food to to be delivered so we've got to plan it all out and then sometimes gary will go right tuesday we'll just have freezer surprise and it just means something that's in the freezer and he chases it up with some fresh veg but mostly it's just freezer things ed knows exactly what i'm laughing at there.

One of my favourite things is when a phrase gets adopted by someone else, and the fact that Gary just has freezer surprise as a normal thing that he says as well really makes me laugh.

It's like, on Tuesday, we'll have freezer surprise.

And imagining Gary Delaney saying that is very fun.

The thing is, things like cutty bread and picky tea really make sense for you to say.

I think they fit perfectly within your vocab.

I can imagine Gary saying it and it just doesn't work.

Gary Delaney saying cutty bread doesn't work for me well sometimes he has to adopt what i've said because i've forced it into the common vernacular of the house and there's only the two of us the cat and dog don't talk at all sort of dog talks to me sometimes i'll say is that a northern thing do you think and he'll go i think that's a sarah thing

it's got his secret chicken recipe That's very exciting that you don't even know it.

You know, he turns it upside down at one point, but that's it.

And I'm assuming that means like that, not like on its end or or

not like balanced on its legs.

You can, so some people do cook chicken like that, so it gets a full sort of uh like heating around it, but they'll put it on a can of beer or something, right?

They'll drink half a can of beer and then basically ram it up the chicken's bum and have the chicken stood up in the oven with the can with the insurance.

I'm minding what the chicken looks like.

You put your hands on your hips.

Yeah, that's the next

hands on your hips just puffed out.

The chicken's sitting there going, I'm ready to leave now.

This is getting beyond a joke.

It's boiling in here.

This is absolutely unbearable.

You look quite a sassy chicken.

Yeah.

He's not happy.

Not happy.

I think he turns it upside down because then all of the juices run into the breast.

Oh, it makes sense.

Sounds delicious.

Yeah.

You know, it's probably something that loads of people know how to do, but I have purposefully not learnt it to keep my marriage together.

How do you know he turns it upside down though?

Did you walk in on him once?

He's like, get out!

Get out!

And you sort of the chicken up.

What did you see?

What did you see?

I didn't see anybody.

You

Look at Ceci

with her hands on her hips.

Hands on his hips.

The chicken's like, Gary, who is this?

You said you did work.

You didn't tell me we had company, Gary.

Just you and I, the chicken.

Sometimes he'll mention it to other people, and I have to tune it.

So you'll say, oh, I just did it upside down.

And I think, oh, no, I'm not supposed to know.

Because it's just better.

It's better for us because I think if you both like it's good to keep a mystery but when people say that it usually means they're having an effect and I don't like that so the mystery for us is all food based have you got secrets from him stuff that is your special thing he's never in the room when I make a Yorkshire pudding um sometimes he does a toad in the hole and I make my Yorkshire pudding mix and I leave it on the bench and he'll go I just show us the recipe and I'll do it and I'm like no it's all right so yeah cooking a full roast dinner must be an absolute nightmare in your house you have to tag each other in and out of the kitchen you're all blindfolded like bird box you're all just

going around the kitchen we have to do the whole thing back to back like uh lien page and barbarians say

so gary's chicken gary's potatoes your yorkshire puddings yeah which ed i mean this is this is like just furthermore yeah showing how polar opposite you and ed are because ed has been very vocal about his i've been vocal about i don't like yorkshire puddings i think they take up room on the plate i think they're unnecessary did you call them like putting a hat on your did you say they were like putting a hat on your

putting a hat on your dinner like they're very they're just they they're plain they don't taste of anything it's like having a bad pancake it's mad although look i was sent to be fair i was sent a lovely meal kit the other day from a place called blacklock and there were some yorkshires in there and i warmed them up and put them with it and they would night they were nice but i still wouldn't choose to have them the well of gravy i'd rather just have a bowl of gravy next to me

but if you were like if you went to a carvery for example the yorkshire puddings they are not great generally i find they're too hard and they've been out for too long but they're really good structurally

for piling up all of your veg i see yeah no i understand that in that case yeah i would to make my little veg building i would i would use the i would use the bricks definitely you can just put peas and carrots straight in it um i once went to a pick and mix with a friend of mine and it was one of those ones where you just pay for the cup regardless of what's in it Like in my day, you had to wait, and that's why you always got flumps and not cooler cubes.

But uh, this one he said, Oh, no, what you do is you get the worms and you put them around to create a sort of coil pot within, and you can keep it going up above, in which case you get more.

And you can, and then he said, Then you fill like smarties or MMs in all the gaps, and they go all the nooks and crannies.

And I was like, Oh, this is, I mean, he's a professional pick and mixer, clearly.

Sorry,

who said that?

Oh, a friend of mine, well, they're my hero, and I want to know their pull names, at least.

Have you ever bought a bag of, I haven't done it for years, but a bag of pick and mixer and they put it down and they say eight pound.

And you're like, but that's more than my ticket was.

Right.

So quite a fancy way of feeling like you're cheating the system.

Yeah.

It's very satisfying.

I've said this on the podcast before, I'm sure, but what we used to do when we went to the cinema is we go for lunch at Pizza Hut first for the Pizza Hut buffet, then do the ice cream factory, which is a flat price.

But then what you you do is not get any ice cream and you just go back time and time again and only get the sweet toppings and put them in a tissue tissue wrap them up and take them to the cinema that's genius i don't think you have said that before

you go to the chinese buffet and they've got one of those ice cream machines

and you choose which ball they've got suggested bowls beside it but you can go over and get a big salad bowl and just fill that

just as a tip on

There's suggested bowls, they suggest those as if there's a sign saying we suggest you use these bowls.

Feel free to roam.

But I like to bring a top hat with me and I just fill the top hat up with ice cream.

But there's also, there's no saying that says you can't just put your head straight under

the tap.

That's definitely.

I mean, you know,

if I'm alive when the apocalypse happens, that's my first stop.

I'm going to one of those places and I'm putting my head under the ice cream tap while the world burns.

Just for my own mouthful of ice cream.

I'll see you

you mentioned gravy with this meal.

Now, I've had conversations with you in the past where you have mentioned gravy.

Imagine saying that to someone.

We've had conversations about gravy in the past.

Yes, we've already talked about.

Well, I think I know what your favorite gravy in the world is, and I might be wrong.

But

it was after a gig once, and

you and Gary were going home, and you were going to go via a little place called Kentucky Fried Chicken, and you were excited about having some gravy there,

if I'm not mistaken.

They've really lifted themselves up from being just a standard sort of chicken-y place by just having a pot of, depending on when you get it, fairly congealed gravy that is you can sort of like empty the bowl out, the little tub out in one, like it doesn't trickle out, it goes like

that.

And the times that we've gone to KFC and they've gone, oh, we've got no gravy left, and we've just reversed out of of the dry

causing chaos as we go.

Like, we're only here for the gravy.

So, yeah, I hadn't even thought of that.

I just thought we'd have just normal, like a best dupe.

But yeah, if I can have KFC gravy on my roast dinner, I'll be very happy indeed.

Thank you.

And good suggestion.

And well remembered.

I don't think I even knew they did gravy, you know.

I've not been to KFC for, I think, KFC's weirdly one of those places where we always had McDonald's growing up.

And but my mum was always like, for some reason, she decided fried chicken was worse for you than burgers from McDonald's, so it just wasn't part of my upbringing.

So I'd never really, never really went there.

I think I've been there twice in my life, and I had no idea they did gravy.

Ed got told off in the KFC once because he was filming his friend and messing around.

And he was filming one of his mates and messing around.

And then the KFC staff told him off.

It was James.

James was the friend.

Yeah.

We, well, I don't know what happened.

Me and James went to see the film Mother.

And then we then we went to the pub and we drank a fair few pints, I'd say.

James was hungry, then we went to KFC, and for some reason I decided I wanted to film James buying a KFC.

Probably, I'd imagine it was to send the video to Nish Kumar.

I've got no idea why I decided to do that, but just because it would make Nish laugh.

And the lady working behind the counter got really annoyed at me for filming and told me I had to stop filming and told me to delete the video.

Wow.

Woody, someone who was formerly famous?

Was it somebody from the band Eternal?

It was actually.

Now I'm thinking about it.

It was someone from the band Eternal.

But you weren't doing anything bad.

You weren't being mean about the brand or anything.

No, no, no.

I was just very excited.

I hadn't had KFC in ages, and I was very excited.

I was going to get a Zinger Tower burger and

a popcorn chicken.

And I was just telling Ed all the way there how I used to always get Zinger Tower burgers every Friday when I was in college with my friend Graham, and we'd always go every Friday.

The KFC in Northampton had they would show Extreme Sports on the TV.

So

me and Graham would get our Zinger Tower burgers and watch Extreme Sports in KFC every Friday lunchtime.

And I used to love it.

And I hadn't had one in so long.

I was like, I can't wait.

I can't wait to get this.

Ed.

I think he was just like, I can't believe how excited my friend is to eat some seven fried chicken.

So I'm going to film it.

God, who knew they were so cagey?

What are they hiding?

How do they make the gravy?

So, your side dish?

Yeah, I'd like two side dishes if I may.

I would like chips just because

I would always order chips for the table, but be really annoyed if anybody else ate any.

So, I would order maybe three.

Actually, no, let's have because I often order a side salad for sure.

In a restaurant, I've done it loads.

I'll order a pizza in a Pizza Express and I'll say, Oh, I'll have a salad as well.

And they bring the salad and I don't even look at it.

And they take the salad away.

They often offer to sort of box it up.

And I'm like, I didn't even want you to really bring it, let alone take it home and you know take a valuable space in the fridge.

But I won't order because that's a waste of time and effort.

I will have chips and I will have, this is weird, I will have a lasagna, but not a frozen one.

I'm very specific when I order lasagna.

I think lasagna is like apple pie, and you can test a pub or a restaurant on the quality of their simple dishes.

But with lasagna, when you order lasagna, if you haven't seen it on the way in, like at a tea bay services where it's all laid out, if you can't see into the kitchen, I always ask, and when I've been with Sally Ann Hayward, she always asks as well,

is it

bubbling in a dish or piled high on a plate?

It's very specific.

Because bubbling in a dish, I'm not interested.

Really?

Because it is, yeah, because it is hotter than the sun.

It's been clearly just in an oven.

The sides are all burnt and it's just sloppy.

Piled high on a plate.

I want what I want is you to have made a whole

huge tray full of lasagna and you've cut me a square.

That's what I want.

And I've had lasagna and chips at 11am at teabay services before on the way back from Scotland and I cannot recommend it highly enough, especially if there's some ducks in your peripheral peripheral vision.

So I'm going to have a side of lasagna piled high on a plate and some chips, please.

So it's a sort of another meal.

Yeah, yeah, that's blatantly a second meal.

When you go to teabay services and order lasagna and chips, have they ever said, oh, just side dishes today?

To be honest, I'm not listening.

I see what you mean about the bubbling in a dish situation.

I quite like the burnt bits around the outside, but when I'm very proud of my lasagna, once a month I'll probably do a massive lasagna and we'll eat some of it and then freeze up portions of it to eat through the rest of the month.

We're basically only eating lasagna here.

And

I'll do a huge one, but then when it comes out really bubbling, you got to leave it to rest for at least 15 minutes so all the layers set up and it becomes a bit more solid.

Yeah.

Because you want to see those layers.

And I put three meats in it.

Do you?

Which meats do you put in it?

Oh, hold on.

Let's see if Sarah can guess the meats.

Well, two of the meats I guess are the the same, but of different forms.

Oh,

um, sausages and bacon.

Yes, it's a breakfast lasagna.

I mean, I bet that exists somewhere.

Sausage, bacon, and black pudding.

That's what I have in my lasagna.

And just trotters on the side.

Yeah, I had, and I mean,

I didn't expect to have this on Sunday Brunch.

But like, Sunday Brunch, actually, no, Sunday Brunch serves a lot of good food when I've been on there, and it is exciting.

But this one episode I did last time, they had someone from Otalengi on, and they made this lasagna that had prawns in it.

And it is one of the best things I have ever had.

Really?

It was absolutely amazing.

It was so good.

And this, I know you don't like seafood, Sarah, but this might win you over, maybe.

Is that and the Ottolengi chefs might not take this as a compliment, but they really made it taste like prawn cocktail crisp lasagna.

That's what it tasted like.

See, I like a prawn cocktail crisp, but I think I assume that's just because of the sauce.

But see, I don't eat prawns because there's a story in my family.

This might put you off prawns.

Sorry.

There's a story in my family, and I think the story is that my granda once found a dead body on the beach and it had prawns coming out of the eyes.

I don't even know if it's true.

Oh, it's not.

There's no way that's true.

I like the idea that no other questions were asked about the dead body.

Just.

Did it have anything eating its eyeballs at the time?

Prawns.

Got it.

Prawns coming out of its eyes.

Prawns coming out of its eyes.

Brilliant.

And no one expected that.

If you're in a restaurant and you go, I don't really like prawns.

They're expecting you to go, oh, because of the poop down the back.

You go, no, granddad found a dead body and prawns coming out of its eyes.

Always puts me off.

I'm not even sure if Gary knows that stuff.

Well, he does now.

He does now.

Prawns coming out of the eyes.

Wow.

Pork beef and pancetta, by the way.

Pork beef.

Okay.

I would have guessed beef.

Feels, yeah, beef out.

It feels a little fancy.

I've never tried to make lasagna.

I'm not very adventurous when I cook because I assume I can't do it.

And yet, every time I make something, it's all right.

Like, it's never, I'd be.

If I was on bake-off, I'd be the one where they're like, oh, it tastes really good, but God, it looks like shit.

That would be me.

There's no presentation skills at all, but it would taste nice.

James was on bake-off where it didn't taste nice and looked like shit.

Well, actually, actually, Ed, if you re-watch that clip, they say that the flavor of the flapjacks is delicious and it tastes great, but it looks like.

They were trying to make you feel better.

Yes, I was aware of that.

When I was asked to go on the bake-off,

I said I was too scared.

And I said, I'll host.

So they let me host.

I didn't know that was an option.

Yeah, it was then.

So I just got to judge everybody else's.

They've not asked me, but I'm happy to say I would be on it, host, or I'll just be a runner on it.

Yeah.

Just whoever clears the stuff away at the end.

Yeah, I'll do that.

Yeah, exactly.

I'll clean the balls with my tongue.

What sort of chips are we having?

Are we having chip shop chips?

Are we having French fries?

There's a place near us that Gary says do the best chips he's ever had and they are nice.

I think they taste a bit like a Nando's chip.

So they're not skinny fries, but they're not greasy.

So maybe that sort of thing.

We often just have oven chips, which some people don't think are technically chips because they're not cooked in the same way as standard chips.

But I, honestly, I'm not really bothered as long as they're not I did have some in New York that were string fries and I didn't know what that meant and I ordered them and a bowl came the sort of bowl you would serve soup out of if you had 12 people around like the gigantic bowl and it was full of the thinnest point most pointless chips that didn't have any substance to them at all but because there were so many and I was on my own I had to sort of work my way through a good third of them just out of politeness so not them but anything like a chunkier chip right I would always go but see sometimes what happens when you order chunky chips in a restaurant is they oh they do them like bloody jenga and you're supposed to be pleased that there's four no so a decent sized bowl of decent sized chips also i feel like i should have pointed out earlier on that i don't want anything coming to my table that i haven't ordered because i hurt it when you get a tiny little canopy right at the start and they put it down and they don't tell you what's in it you i probably won't like it and they won't bring you starter until you've actually eaten it so we have to have to chuck it in my handbag or take it to the toilet whatever i have to do

so i don't want any of that, but I should have mentioned that before.

But, yeah, so a chunky, a chunky chip rather than it's just another way to get the salt in me, really.

Yes, all these things are just trying to get more salt and butter in.

Well, you got your rice potatoes,

you're following them up with some chips.

Yeah, well,

I mean, there's very few things that are better than a double-carb dinner.

Double cut, triple carb sometimes.

We once ordered, um, we ordered a Chinese and I had egg-fried rice with uh chicken and spring onion and ginger type of thing.

And we also forgotten to, well, we got garlic bread out of the freezer.

So we had garlic bread.

And then we got some,

yeah, exactly.

And then we got some salt and pepper chips as well.

And it was a triple carb dinner.

And, you know, it was incredible.

I mean, it wasn't as good as our wedding day, but it was a close second.

When you said it was from a Chinese place, it was you triple carbed it.

I was expecting porn toast and I remembered, oh no, no, no.

Oh, no.

Because they came out of a a dead man's eyes.

That's why, oh, like, you know, when you're little and your mom tells you, like, so if I ever like licked a coin, my mom would always say, Don't lick that.

You know, if you're really little and you're playing with things, and she's it, because it's been in old men's pockets.

So money's always been in an old man's pocket, and prawns have always been in a dead man's eyes.

Just a classic saying,

you know, like everybody says, yeah.

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This is, of course, the Christmas special, Sarah.

And obviously, a cider lasagna screams Christmas, but

we should also ask you what's in your dream Christmas meal.

So, what do you love to eat every Christmas?

Or do you sometimes feel forced into eating stuff by tradition and what would you like to eat instead?

I don't feel forced because I'm 45.

And

there's a year where you just go, no, I'm not going to eat anything that I don't like anymore.

And also, a thing that we always do is we'll have separate dishes with everything in, so you can choose how much or how little.

And that comes from Gary's childhood when you were told you could only have three roast potatoes because there was only a certain amount each.

So we always overcook for Christmas, and then we have double dinners.

So you have Boxundi, exactly the same dinner without any of the preparation.

So you always overcook, but it always gets used.

So I would have the same chicken, roasted potatoes, and Yorkshire pudding, but I would add many, many vegetables.

So, some examples: I would like some sprouts.

Now, Marks and Spencer's used to do easy sprouts where they were all prepared and they put a little bit of bacon or panchetto or something like that in with them as well.

And now they've added chestnuts, don't like chestnuts.

So, now I just have to have boiled.

It doesn't occur to me to be like, just put them in some panchetto.

I'm just like, no, I'll just have them boiled.

It's fine.

Yeah,

the choices are not.

Marks and Spencer do it for me, or or i just have the ones i hate

i do i love sprouts but you have to consider your partner and i he doesn't like sprouts at all and i will eat the full bag and whatever doesn't get eaten at lunchtime i'll eat the rest while watching telly cold in a bowl like it's popcorn and straight in the bath while he's trying to write

Crikey.

It is horrific.

Of all the things I eat, that is the worst, has the worst after effects.

And I don't mind because I find the smell of my own farts quite quite comforting.

It means things are moving through, you know, there's no blockages.

Um, and so I would have a lot of sprouts, and also, I think the main difference between a roast and a Christmas dinner is that we'd probably have it at a table, which we would normally eat everything on trays on the sofa.

And also, there's a turnip now.

This is confusing.

So, turnip to me is the big orange one,

whereas that's swede to everybody else.

And then the little white one is what I would call swede, which is horrible, horrible, tastes like poison.

So I would have the turnip that we used to get at a place called the Sea Hotel in South Shields.

That I don't know what they put in it, but I've never been able to replicate it or find it anywhere since.

And I haven't had that for 30 or maybe 35 years.

So if you could maybe track

whoever was the chef then

and find out what they put in it, I'd have that please.

And I'd have parsnips.

Now, when Gary does the parsnips for Christmas, he'll do them long and thin because he doesn't like them to look like roast potatoes, because he calls them the devil's potatoes.

Because he doesn't like parsnips.

And if you think you're having a roast potato, but it turns out to be parsnip, it's a terrible day.

Yes.

So I would have honey roast parsnips.

I'd have honey roast carrots.

Just a way to get honey in my system.

These are all just spoons to me.

So a lot of veg.

The Yorkshire pudding's just the same.

But I might have a choice of meats like we were at a Carvery.

Maybe like a Christmas ham, maybe, yeah,

a Christmas ham, probably not turkey because we have chicken instead of turkey because turkey is dry and giant, and there's only two of us.

So, we would just have Gary's special chicken, and I think that's and yeah, and like servetes.

Don't I bought napkins once, and then I forgot that you're supposed to wash them and put them back in the drawer, and I just binned them.

I was so used to like throw away napkins and not napkins, serviettes, just the paper ones.

And I was like, oh, put them in the bin.

And then I was like, oh, I'm supposed to wash them and put them back in a drawer.

And obviously your crackers and your hats.

You've got to keep your hat on for the duration of the meal.

That's the rule.

And the Christmas dessert.

So this year we have a choice of two.

Now, when people come around, we always have to have Christmas pudding, which I am, it's all right.

I'll eat it if it's there.

I'm not going to turn it down, but it doesn't excite me.

So this year we've got, because it's just the two of us and we don't have to prepare for anybody else, we have a choice of two desserts we have vionetta

classic

and mint vienetta

well quite the spread really something something for everyone there

freezer surprise indeed

well it means we've been we've had them in for months we're smug as about we're puddles for christmas because they're just happily just getting harder and harder in the freezer

and i think for a drink for christmas i don't really drink booze very often, but I think I would have.

Wait, we always used to make a thing called ginger wine, which is non-alcoholic.

And you get ginger compound from like Butza somewhere, and you do it in a massive cauldron with boiling water or freshly boiled water.

And it's just a nice Christmassy drink that you wouldn't have the rest of the year, but it's basically got like three pounds of sugar stirred into it as well.

And that's it's because I only have that at Christmas, it feels like a Christmassy drink, even though I don't really drink booze very much.

I feel like I should tell you that that ginger wine recipe is as complicated, if not more complicated, than just roasting your own sprouts and not having to boil them.

Yeah.

Maybe this year I'll try it with a little bit of panched and I'll let you know how a good one is.

Check it in there.

You're quite busy most of Christmas Day, right?

Because you do the join-in thing on Twitter.

Where are you finding time to do all that cooking and stuff?

Well, so Christmas Day is the kitchen is Gary's domain because we've got the choice between

me cooking, which I'm all right at.

I'm not great, but I'm all right.

I think it's more lack of confidence.

I think it's

some people just think, oh, I can probably make that.

And some people think, oh, I definitely can't make that.

And I'm one of those, even though our skill level is probably about the same, but Gary thinks he can do everything.

And I think I probably can't.

And I'm more of a baker.

I do bake a lot.

And I'm more of a baker than a cook.

So he does Christmas because we've got the choice between either he can help the lonely people and I can cook or vice versa.

And he, quite rightly, has chosen to be in the kitchen while I am sensitive on the internet.

Also, if I'm lonely on Christmas Day, the last thing I want is Gary Deloney throwing a zinger at me.

Yeah, Gary Delaney, Gary Delaney throwing dark puns smart way.

Oh, well, I was feeling bad, and then Gary tweeted me this bleak one-liner.

Luckily, Sarah's here telling me about prawns coming out of a dead man's arms.

Now I'll spin much happier.

See, I worried that telling you that would put you both off prawns, but it's just put you both off me.

Yeah, so join in is a thing that I do on Twitter.

It's our 10th year this year, which is mad.

Oh, amazing.

And it's just on, if anybody wants to use it, it's just join Twitter for the day if you're not on it.

And you just use the hashtag join in, which is capital J, capital I, which I've learned fairly recently means that the software that blind people use, pick it up as join in so they can get involved as well, rather than what I assume just reads as juanan, which is clearly French or something.

So, and they can either follow the hashtag or they can just tweet and put the hashtag in it, and then people will see that.

And it's just for people who feel like they want some company.

I suspect this year it might be even more than ever because a lot of people are more people will be on their own, you know, through no choice of their own.

And I'm well aware that there are some people who have Christmas on their own and have the life of Riley, and good luck to them, just wandering around with no bra on and cheese in their hand the whole day.

And I mean, that's incredible.

That sounds like they're having the best Christmas to me.

But it's just for people who are either with family and feel a bit out of sorts or they're on their own and would rather not be.

And we can, you can just dip in and out all day.

Some people just come on in the morning for an hour.

Some people are there all day.

We have nice conversations.

And I just sit on my iPad on the sofa all day, basically.

About eight or nine hours, I'm on the internet.

And it is at times heartbreaking and brutal through the people telling you what they've been through in the last year and why they feel so low.

And then other times, it's just hilarious.

And the whole way through, it's so heartwarming because it's just people lifting other people up and because we've been going so long often it's people who've been helped in previous years coming back on to kind of cheer up the people who might feel low this time that's great so it's so it's glorious and it's it's the only good thing i do

don't do anything else that's really of note it's really nice to be involved in such a lovely thing

Have you ever had any of the people on there say, like, oh, for the last 10 years, I've spent Christmas on my own because my wife is in the the living room on her iPad, and I'm

then just do a bleak pun, and I'm like, Gary, is that you?

The pun gave me away, as always.

Anyway, I'm slipping it onto its back now.

I shouldn't have said that.

Forget that I said it.

She's gonna leave me.

So we come on to your dream drink.

When does the drink come?

Is it throughout or is it at the end with the pudding?

You can have it whenever you like.

I'm tempted to have a cup of tea, maybe a pot of tea.

Oh, it's dream restaurant.

Have two cups.

If I could have a mug and a pot,

that's the ultimate, isn't it?

What are those nice ceramic mugs that people take camping?

It's not ceramic.

What's the word?

It's not ceramic.

It's not enamel.

Enamel, thank you.

One of those nice enamel mugs that people take camping.

Let's have one of those.

And normal builder's tea

with sugar that I don't have to ask for.

Oh, I'm sorry, I like sugar still.

I know it's not fashionable.

I know you probably take cocaine and you don't like sugar, do you?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I've been criticized so many times.

When I once had some friends, too, when I lived in a little Manchester flat, and they were comics working nearby, and I was like, Come and stay with me.

One on the sofa, one in the spare bedroom.

Excellent.

And I decided because I had friends around, I opened a packet of cabbage chocolate fingers for breakfast.

And one of them absolutely pulled me apart and really tore a strip off me.

Bear in mind, she was staying in my flat free of charge.

And I reminded her how many pints of alcohol she'd had before she went to work that night.

I was like, fuck off with your biscuit criticism.

And I always fire back with alcohol because I don't really drink.

And I think biscuits are my drink.

Yes.

So I.

Biscuits are my drink, please.

Is that going to be your choice?

Yeah.

Is that going to be your choice for a drink?

Cup of biscuits?

Biscuits are my drink.

I might just have that on a t-shirt next to them.

Biscuits are my drink.

Yeah, I'm going to have a cup of tea with my dessert.

That's my favourite part of the meal: dessert.

And that's the time I'm going to take the, I'm going to take the most time over that bit.

So a nice pot of tea at the same time would be lovely.

Thank you.

Then that leads us to what the dessert is then because it's going with a cup of tea.

It's very exciting.

I know it's not going to be a cheese board because all those people have got IBS.

So the dessert, it's a version of what they do in a pub near us, which is a platter.

And it is

four or five small versions of dessert because I can't just choose one.

I could have just chosen desserts for in every course, but I know that wouldn't have been playing the game.

So on the dessert platter, which is just for one, it's not a platter touche, or if it is, I'm ignoring that.

There is a small sticky toffee pudding with a tiny one of those tiny jugs of custard one of those there's a chocolate tote a very thin sliver because it's very rich and will give you a gout and i'm on the border um and uh a pavlova now i made a passion passion fruit pavlova once and i sent a photo because i didn't it didn't look right it was brown and they're supposed to be white and i sent a picture to nigella lawson and she said what does it taste like and i said tastes all right and she went that's all right then and i was like oh yeah

just if you've got access to Nigela Lawson on Twitter, why wouldn't you use it?

So, a small passion fruit pavlova.

So, I'm going, I'm getting the crunch, I'm getting the soft, I'm getting the tart.

And then, my favorite bit of all of it will be something that I've had in a restaurant in London.

Do you know Bob Bob Ricards?

I do know Bob Bob Ricard.

I've been there two or three times, I'd say.

It's an absolutely amazing experience.

It's an amazing experience.

And my favorite thing that you might not know about Bob Bob Ricards is that it is owned, and this is not an advert, but it is owned by two men, and they're called Bob and Ricard.

And Bob put twice as much money in as Ricard.

That's why it's called.

And I heard this as a rumor.

And the last time I went in, I asked a member of staff and he said, yes, it's true.

And I love

it.

Bob Bob Ricard

is the, James, is the restaurant that's done out like the Orient Express inside.

It's an incredible looking restaurant.

It's phenomenal decor.

And they're very famous for the press for champagne button.

All the tables have like a doorbell that says press for champagne.

And I've done it.

I think we've talked about this before.

You press it, and a waiter comes over and says, Would you actually like some champagne?

Uh, because people just press that and then they don't want champagne.

And we go, Yes, we would like some champagne.

You order the champagne, then he goes away.

It's just the normal ordering process with one extra trip for the waiter advised.

But I, because I did that, I pressed it, and when they came over, I said, No, I don't really want it.

Yeah, well, there you go.

In my head, it thought it was going to be lowered in a glass.

It's going to be a lot more chitty chitty bang bang than it actually was.

So the pudding I've had in there, which is incredible, is a strawberry and cream souffle.

Now, a souffle is something I would never try because it's probably really complicated, but it won't come up and blah, blah, blah.

And it's in a small dish.

You don't need loads because it's very rich.

And they come over.

And the first time they did it, I was really offended.

And then I realized that's just what they do.

They poke a hole in the top with the teaspoon, the waiter does, and he pours more gloop, strawberry and cream cream gloop inside.

And I have always, every time I've been to Bob Bob Ricards, that's what I'll have.

And the last time I went with my friend, comedian Haley Ellis, she said, oh, it looks like a fleshlight now.

Which,

for anybody who doesn't know what a fleshlight is, it's a fanny in a can.

It's a fan can.

And it does because it's pink and it's got the hole in the top made from the spoon.

So even though it looks like a fleshlight and I can't now get that out of my mind, I still would prefer to have a small version of that on my dessert platter, please.

Yeah, I'm just, oh,

it's making my mouth go.

There's another dessert in Bob Bob Ricardo that I think about a lot, which is like a chocolate sphere.

It just arrives, and it's a chocolate sphere, and the waiter comes and pours hot chocolate sauce on it, which melts the chocolate sphere into almost nothing.

And then there's like an incredible dessert in the middle of it, like little passion fruit things.

Talking about flamboyant puddings, I once went to,

oh, the Savoy Grill with lovely Tom Allen.

And I said to him, Can we get a quiet table in the corner?

Just because I'm not great at being recognised.

And I was like, let's go quiet.

So he got a quiet table in the corner.

He arranged it.

He rang up and advanced to say, Make sure it's in the corner.

We got a quiet table in the corner.

And then he ordered a crib Suzette, which they came to the table and set it on fire.

And everybody looked and went, Ooh,

like that.

And it was a beautiful moment of watching Tom just lit up by flames, Gordon.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't want to draw this much attention to you.

Crepes, you said, please.

And could you blow the French horn while we have that?

And then you said, little tip for you, Tom.

Little showbiz tip.

If they ever ask you to compete on bake off, here's what you do.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

He took that advice.

So we've got sticky toffee pudding, Pavlova, the fleshlight dessert.

Yes,

you'll always be known.

I've never really been a fan of sticky toffee pudding because my granddad found a body on the beach and had sticky toffee pudding coming out of its eyes.

Do you know what?

If I was walking down a beach and I saw a dead body that had sticky toffee pudding coming out of its eyes, I can't promise I wouldn't eat that sticky toffee pudding.

Get me a small chug of custard and then phone the police in about half an hour.

Oh, God.

I'm going to read your order back to you now, Sarah.

See how you feel about it.

Water, you would like tap water if alone, which you are with a pianist who's quite distant from you.

Poppadoms or bread, you said white crusty bread without any bits with butter with salt on top.

Starter, two Gregg's pasties, either sausage, bean and cheese, warm, or corned beef and potato, cold.

Main course, Gary Delaney's roast chicken and roast potatoes with your own Yorkshire puddings and KFC gravy.

Side dish, and this is absolutely scandalous.

Nasagna piled piled high on a plate and chips.

For Christmas, you would also like the same roast dinner, but you would like, or maybe a Christmas ham, some sprouts, a turnip from the Sea Hotel in South Shields, honey roast parsnips and carrots, dessert, Vienetta, and mint Vienetta, and drink ginger wine.

Your drink for your dream meal and an,

I can't say it, an enamel mug full of tea with sugar to go along with your dessert platter of sticky toffee pudding with custard, chocolate chocolate torque, passion fruit pavlova, and Bob Bob Ricard, strawberry and cream, souffle, forward slash flesh light.

Oh my God, when you listen like that, it sounds incredible.

Yeah.

Of all the times that we've had people try and hack off menu to try and have more than one meal in it, I think you're the person who's absolutely nailed that.

Thanks.

I had two means and about five desserts.

Yeah,

what you've done is you've taken the name off menu to mean that you have the full menu of any restaurant.

All All menu.

I'm at a different process on all menu.

Thank you so much, Sarah.

That's a delicious meal and have a Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Sarah.

Merry Christmas.

Sarah Millikan there with a very festive all menu.

So good, so delicious.

Madness that she doesn't like cheese, but had lasagna and a sausage bean and cheese melt.

So had loads of cheese in the menu.

Sure.

Yeah, it's in there.

Yeah.

Just unaware of it.

Snucking.

I think she just doesn't like raw cheese, right?

Because lasagna is the ultimate cheesy treat, in my mind.

Yep.

Melted cheese, loves it.

Cold cheese, hates it.

That's the rule.

Fair enough.

And she didn't have bubblegum, so thank the Lord for that.

Thank you for no bubblegum.

Hot or cold?

Hot or cold.

She didn't have a sneaky bit of hot bubblegum in the middle of the lasagna or chick.

She didn't, Gary, or we don't know.

Gary might be putting bubblegum under the chicken skin.

He might put hot bubblegum in the chicken skin.

And Sarah absolutely loves it.

We don't know what was in that chicken.

We've got no idea.

It's secret chicken.

Don't forget, you can go and see Sarah on tour.

She's doing her show, Bobby Dazzler from Melbourne.

Bob, Bobby Dazzler.

Bob, Bobby Dazzler.

Bob and Bobby put way more money in than Dazzler.

So you can get tickets for that, sarahmillican.co.uk.

I am reliably assured she is going everywhere in the UK about three times each.

Yes, and also just hang around T-Bay services.

You'll probably see her there as well.

You will indeed with her support at Sally Ann Haywood and you know how they'll be having their lasagna.

High and on a plate please.

High-end on a plate please.

Ed, we've been sent a bunch of food, right?

Yeah, we have been sent lots of food high and on a plate.

We've been sent babka from the Good Egg.

The Good Egg is a wonderful restaurant which I've frequented.

There's one in Kingley Court.

There's one in Stoke Newington.

Babka is a special sweet chocolate bread and they've sent us that and an array of other stuff.

And when that arrived, that was a good day for me, James.

Oh, congratulations.

It didn't happen to me.

Oh, yeah.

Well, there you go.

Apparently, I said I didn't.

What the fuck is your problem?

Well, I feel I didn't know what Babka was, because now I've heard it, it sounds delicious.

It was the best.

I think it's the best thing we've ever been sent.

Oh, well, you can change that weave to an I.

There was a massive chocolate babka.

They sent us three mini different flavoured babkas and a Christmas babka and a cap that says in the Boys to Men logo, but it says Boys to Mensch.

That is cool.

That is really cool.

I missed out.

I missed out.

I missed up there.

Bad luck, mate.

Signature Brew, wonderful brewery, sent us some cans, including their darkness-themed festive ale.

Delicious.

Love an ale.

Big shout-out to the Fuffler, the Fuffleman.

We mentioned the Fuffles on Wyatt Senak's episode.

Thank you so much.

If you got in touch with the Fuffleman and you ordered your Fuffles.

And that,

he got a small business, a small one-man business and in 2020 that really did him a massive favor so well done i hope you all enjoyed your fuffles just as much as we did delicious the mint chocolate fuffle ah i i was eating it like like cake icing which is an a cast to say in

those who don't know it yeah he does got whatever

which no one else eats it like but yeah absolutely delicious appreciate that we should say at christmas if uh small food businesses need your customs, so

hunt out some of your favorite small independent traders and order from them for Christmas.

Speaking of which,

my own sister has started up a wonderful bakery called Fabjack's Bakery.

If you live in the Northamptonshire area, you can order some flapjacks to be delivered.

We've talked about in this episode my nightmare with flapjacks when I went on the Great British Bake-Off.

So I am proud as punch that my sister has now started her own bakery that specializes in flapjacks fabjacks bakery you can find it on facebook and uh order or yourself some flapjacks around the christmas season or indeed into the new year i'm very proud of her and i'm very excited the fab jacks motto should be don't worry it doesn't run in the family yeah that should that should be it it's not genetic

uh james got sent some kombucha as well which sounded delicious i did very nice kombucha from living drinks company and uh i just had a fiery ginger ginger one.

Very tasty.

And also we got some lovely snacks from Well and Truly.

So look, we've been well looked after this Christmas.

Yes.

Thank you so much to all those people.

All of it was delicious.

And, you know, I wouldn't turn down some more.

Send it straight to Benito.

Straight to Benito.

Let him.

Basically, what happens in this relationship is we get food and Benito gets admin.

Yep, that's the way we like it.

Thank you very much for listening and thank you very much for listening this year to the off-menu podcast.

We'll be back with another series very soon.

But for now, thank you very much for listening.

We hope you have a nice festive period, whatever you may be doing.

Eat something nice, treat yourself.

But for now, bye-bye and yum-yum.

Tidings of comfort and joy and food.

Hello, I'm your dad's friend Lou Sanders and I've launched a new podcast called Cuddle Club.

Hmm.

It's better than it sounds actually.

I talked to special guests about cuddling.

Hmm, there's not another podcast on cuddling, I thought to myself.

Guests include Catherine Ryan, Rich Dosman and Alan Davies.

It's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones because it's actually free to download.

I'd love you to listen, but you're going to be the loser if you don't.

It's worth reminding you that there's no other podcast about cuddling.

It's business gone crazy.

It's available on Apple Podcasts.

Of course it is.

ACast, yes.

Spotify.

Wherever you get your podcast, subscribe now, please.

Don't be an absolute dick piece.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladil here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic.

Both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.