Ep 65: Romesh Ranganathan

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, the only cure for brain freeze.

My name's Ed Gamble, and sitting over there in his flat is James Acaster, because we're recording this over the internet, James.

Yes, we are.

I'm in my flat, and Ed is in a secret location that he will not reveal to me.

I will not reveal it.

It's not a secret location for anyone else, just the James.

And this is the first episode of series four, James.

I never thought we'd make it this far, Ed.

Thank you so much to everyone who's listened to us.

And means, thank you to the Great Bonito.

Yes, thank you to the Great Bonito always.

And when James says he didn't think we'd make it this far, he means that because I heard James on another podcast recently say that he thought we'd only do 10 episodes.

Yes,

that's what I thought we would do

at the start.

I can't remember where I said that, but I definitely did that.

He said on Brett Goldstein's brilliant podcast, Films to Be Buried With,

and he started a new mini-series called Films to Be Buried With The Resurrection,

which he recorded an episode of.

And you said you didn't realise this would be a success.

You didn't think it would be, and you thought we'd only do 10 episodes.

Yep.

That's what I thought.

I thought we'll do 10 episodes just for ourselves because we like talking about food and no one will listen to them and then we'll just get on with our lives.

Yeah, and here we are, many more episodes in, taking James by surprise as much as the rest of us.

I'm shocked.

I've made no secret of it over the years.

I'm absolutely shocked.

Well, I know.

The thing is, James, I know you don't listen to it, but it's quite good, this podcast.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, you know, I don't know.

It's not my thing.

I love recording them.

I wouldn't want to listen to them.

Well, it's a shame because coming up on this series, we've got some absolutely brilliant episodes.

Some from our trip to America.

We've still got loads of those to play out.

There's some absolute caucus to play out.

I'm very excited about a lot of those.

Some like this one, which was recorded during lockdown, so it's over the internet uh and then some that we managed to sneak in uh before lockdown.

So it's it's it's a mixed it's a mixed bag but not in the sense that any are lower quality than others.

It's a mixed bag where every time you pluck your hand out with one in your grasp they're all lovely.

Some of them are in a different country.

Some of them no one's even in the same room.

Some of them just traditional off menu.

Yeah, baby.

But to kick off series four we thought who better than the wonderful guest Romesh Romesh Ranger.

I can't believe now.

I slow down deliberately so you can join in at the same time.

Yes.

I should just say it, shouldn't I?

Yeah, but I was thinking about, you know, I was thinking, okay, yeah, we've got somewhere in another country, somewhere at home, somewhere that's normal.

So we could say, like, some is home cooking and some is like your takeaway.

Yeah.

I'll just try to...

It's takeaway the American one.

I guess so, yeah.

Yeah.

And

what's the normal one?

It's a normal restaurant, innit?

Okay.

Just going to the restaurant, having a...

Oh, so we've got no sit-down meal.

We've got a sit-down meal, home cooking, and takeaway.

But this, so this is...

Home cooking.

This one's home cooking.

So welcome to the first episode of Off Menu Home Cooking with Robesh Ranger Nathan.

Robesh, a fantastic comedian, I'm sure you're all aware.

However, if he chooses a secret ingredient, we will kick him out of the dream restaurant for good.

We will.

And the secret ingredient this week is...

Dried limes.

Dried limes when you get a drink or something and they put that dried lime in, and it looks like they just put in a bit of off-lime.

Yeah, not happy about that.

If Romash says dried limes, he is out on his ear.

Hopefully, he does not.

What an awful way that will be to kickoff series for what a bad way.

Fingers crossed.

But for now, this is the off-menu menu of Romash Ranganathanathan.

Welcome, Romash Ranganathan, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

It's great to see you.

Whoa, whoa.

Welcome, Ramesh Ranganathan.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thanks for having me.

Thank you.

Are you impressed by that?

By the genie's appearance there?

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean,

if you know it's a genie, it's difficult to know what a genie could do to push it over and above what a genie would do.

Sure.

But compared to a normal person, certainly very impressive.

Compared to other genies, I'll reserve judgment.

So you knew a genie was was going to turn up, obviously.

So what for you would push it over the edge for a genie?

What's your top genie appearance?

Can't wait to hear this.

I don't know.

I'd quite like it if they did a comedy thing where they were facing the wrong way initially.

Yeah.

And then Silver went, oh, there you are.

Okay, well, I'll have you know that in the genie world, that's seen as being pretty hack.

So

I deliberately didn't do that.

I mean, and in the human world, really,

you sort of want a genie to do bad things.

But there's something comfortably old-fashioned about it.

I've seen Bob's last shot, and it does start with him with his back to the audience.

Hello?

Oh, no one's showing up, I guess.

Oh, guys, cancel the tour.

Imagine going to see Romash at the Apollo, and he starts with his back to the audience and turns around and says, I didn't see you there.

I wonder how many podcasts there'd be just fucking off the back of the first line.

Just like, Jesus Christ, is this the stuff he does?

Amazing if you did that.

Especially if you like rose up from the ground, like on a platform.

Yeah, and your back to the audience.

I did like really big music, and then it just all stops.

Yeah, I then became convinced.

I then became convinced that I just really needed to commit to it for it to land.

It's been 10 minutes now.

Can you just tell him this bit isn't going to work?

Can somebody signal to him just to turn around?

Then you'd have to open the second half in exactly the same way.

Yeah.

And when you turn around and go, not again.

You guys,

be honest with me.

Did you move the room around?

Be honest.

Someone's having a laugh at old Ramesh.

Well, welcome, Ramesh, to the Dream Restaurant.

You get to order your dream meal from our genie waiter here.

Are you a food boy?

I'm a food boy, yeah.

I would say I'm a food boy.

I'm not allowed to be as much of a food boy as I'd like to be at home

because

I like cooking, actually, is the truth of it.

I do enjoy cooking but Lisa my wife

believes that the level of of disruption and mess that I generate is not sufficiently paid off by the quality of the meal so so so what's essentially happened is that I'm not allowed to cook at home

but

but I did have it I did I had a bit of a during lockdown we had I had a bit of a face-off with the kids because because I'm not allowed to cook the kids haven't seen me cook that much right so um the other other day we're having dinner and

they said, oh, you know, because dad can't cook.

And I said, you what, mate?

I said, what did you just say?

He said, well, you know, you can't cook.

You don't ever cook.

I said, don't confuse me not cooking with me not being able to cook.

I said, name something and I'll make it tomorrow and it'd be fucking amazing.

Obviously, I didn't say it like that.

And thankfully, they named chocolate cheesecake, which I don't know how much you guys know about desserts, but that in terms of effort to pay off ratio, it's incredible.

It's the the best dish you can make.

It's an absolute piece of piss to make, and it delivers.

It's very impressive.

So,

I taught my children a lesson, and that is not to doubt their father.

Had they eaten that yet?

They ate it and they loved it, James.

Absolutely, they loved it.

Yeah, they really loved it.

I mean,

I was making something I couldn't taste, so it was a bit of a gamble on that because of the veganism.

But

they, what's that, a minute and a half?

I've mentioned it.

Brilliant.

And

we were expecting it to come up, Robert.

To be fair to you, I don't think we can do you on like our bloody vegans always mentioning it.

This is a food podcast.

It probably will come up, mate.

Yeah.

So, yeah, so

I do enjoy cooking and I also do enjoy eating nice things.

I'm very much a big fan of that.

Big fan of it.

Also, was there much home cooking in your house growing up?

Yes, very much so.

I mean,

my mum...

is a very good cook.

And she started off, I mean, loads of Sri Lankan food, which is kind of, I guess,

it's not much like Indian food.

I mean, it's curries and stuff, but it's a lot drier and hotter.

And I had loads of really good Sri Lankan food growing up.

And then my mum started to diversify into Italian, which was the area that she moved into,

which doesn't feel like the natural progression from Sri Lankan stuff, but it is the direction that she took.

But she did very much put a Sri Lankan twist on it.

I mean, she made, I would argue, probably the spiciest lasagna in the Northern Atmosphere.

So, yeah, so she did.

My dad was very much.

I mean, my dad went on to die of a heart attack, and it's no surprise based on the stuff he was making.

I mean,

he used to sort of regularly deep-fry boiled eggs as a snap.

Oh, I mean,

there's a lot of things in my head that I don't want to say like that, but

that is gasing.

That is unfairly.

it's so much effort as well when you i know when you've already boiled an egg that's perfectly lovely i have a boiled egg but to go like we're gonna we're gonna need to deep fry this i know it's uh it's a heart disease waiting to happen really and nobody thinks

i

i don't know i don't know what it added to it i don't i i don't know he never really told me what the deep frying was adding to the egg i thought was he was i mean i suppose it's a bit like a scotch egg really isn't it if you're like a scotch egg is deep fried but was he putting anything around the egg or was no absolutely not it was

you've taking the shell off, right?

Yes, he would.

He did take, they did make that concession.

Yeah.

He took the shell off and then just deep-fried it and added a bit of chili powder and

then smashed it up.

So he boiled it, de-shelled it, put it in a deep fryer.

Correct, yeah.

Then put some chili powder on it and egg fry.

Yeah.

And then said, What makes you think I'm going to die prematurely?

That was his old catechism.

He would always say that as he took it into a deep-fried bottle.

Yeah, as he ate the third one.

Absolutely love it.

Also, Sri Lankan food,

that's got, it must have been quite easy for you being a vegan for a while because it's amazing the like Sri Lankan, vegetarian, and vegan stuff, right?

Yeah, well, it was growing up,

I wasn't, I think I went vegetarian about 12 years old.

Okay.

So I was eating a lot of, my mum made a lot of mutton curry.

which is kind of which was my favorite thing to eat and um

and and then they would make a lot of fish there's a lot of seafood my mum and and dad used to take me to,

well, they had no choice.

I don't think they wanted to take us, but they couldn't leave us on our own.

We used to go to Biddingsgate Fish Market.

And my mum and dad wanted to get the best stuff to make kind of curry out of.

And my dad would see stuff like, you know,

he'd go, I'm just going to go pick something up.

And then he'd come back with like a baby shark over his shoulder that he was going to make a curry out of.

Straight into the deep fryer?

Yeah, I'd go straight to the deep fryer.

Couple of eggs.

Listen to me.

Little baby shark, couple of deep-fried boiled eggs.

That's paradise.

That's straight

Just his fin poking out the top.

But it's weird because my brother and I both had that similar upbringing, and I've grown up absolutely loving Sri Lankan food.

And my brother never used to, he never used to really enjoy curry.

He preferred English stuff, and he didn't really like spicy stuff.

The only exception being one of the staples of Sri Lankan cuisine is short eats, which is like little snack things like mutton rolls, which is just a pancake breaded, you know, wrapped up in this mutton curry kind of wrapped up in a little sausage shape which is delicious and vade and things like that and stuff like that so my brother my brother did like that kind of thing but um so that was i lived off sri lankan food for most of my childhood and and that has uh that's kind of my love for that has stayed with me did you ever have a deep sorry to come back to the deep fried boiled eggs no but i can't i can't get them out of my head now did you ever sample one good no i didn't actually i i didn't i just sort of

i felt like uh I didn't think I'd survive it, is the honest truth.

It felt so bad for you.

And at that time,

that was around the time that my dad was doing it.

That was very much at the time when we felt that people were sort of saying, if you have too many eggs, you're in a lot of trouble.

And so for my dad to take what I believe was already a weaponized foodstuff and to deep fry it felt crazy to me.

So I never dabbled it.

And also, the other problem is, is that's not the sort of thing you want to discover you've got a taste for.

Because

what you don't want is start craving that something that unhealthy, you know, pears, fruit, you know, plums, peaches, that's kind of thing you want to develop an addiction for.

Deep-fried boiled eggs.

I think if that is something you've got a taste for, it's better off left undiscovered, really.

It would be my take on it.

That's what I'm like with deep-fried Mars bars.

I remember them coming in for the first time when I was a kid and hearing about them, and then being, you know, I think Newsround did a report on them and being quite excited about it.

But then, even at that age, thinking, i must never eat one of these i know i i'm i will want them all the time

i can't try them so the problem for me is with deep-fried mars bars is that because i'm so i'm so inherently greedy when people go oh that sounds disgusting i just think that doesn't sound disgusting that sounds wonderful mars bar and batter and it's hot you could possibly have it with ice cream what the fuck are you talking about

how does that sound disgusting i've been on tour with uh with kevin bridges and he get used to get uh pizza Crunch a lot.

You know, Pizza Crunch?

No.

It's battered and deep-fried pizza.

Right.

When you say quite a lot, how often was he getting Pizza Crunch?

Well, we did.

Popper van Genathan levels of

frequently at the eggs.

We did two weeks in Glasgow.

He played like two weeks consecutively in Glasgow.

And I would say...

Well, look, I don't want to cast aspersions on Kev's diet.

He's a very healthy guy, but I would say over 50% of the time he's picking up Pizza Crunch.

Pizza Crunch.

By the way, listen, I want to give this some context.

It was like

we did go out after the shows and have a few.

It wasn't like, this wasn't brunch.

This was a late night poor decision thing.

I don't want to suggest that Kev would in the morning say to himself, about 11 o'clock, I think I might tuck into some Pizza Crunch.

This is like one in the morning.

We've accepted that the day's gone away from us.

You know, that kind of, that kind of, that's how you, that's when you have pizza crunch.

Also, I imagine that when he's in Glasgow, he's Kevin Bridges has to,

he's got a reputation to uphold, right?

And all the Glasgow eagerness could be like, oh, I'll see what's happened.

You think you're too good for.

He's got to be eating pizza crunch all the time to keep his cred up.

I guess, yeah, part of it is you have to have, I guess I'd imagine you have to have some sort of pizza crunch on your person at some point at all times.

If you're in a situation where you have to kind of demonstrate your authenticity, let's go, well, I'm just going to tuck into this guy's if you don't mind.

That's why if you see Kevin Bridges' shows, like DVDs and stuff, you can just see a grease patch on his inside pocket because he's just always got a slice in there.

Absolutely, yeah.

Just in case he gets heckled, you've forgotten who you are, Kev.

Just go.

Have I?

Because what's in this pocket?

Yes, but before I pull it up a pocket, guess.

Yes, it is a pizza crutch.

Bad luck.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before on the show.

Once when I was very unhealthy, when I was at university, I had three pizzas in one day once.

Oh, no, you've not mentioned that on the show off.

It was a very big day for me.

So we went for, we had,

I had a duck pizza at Bella Pasta for lunch.

I mean, duck pizza in itself is fairly indulgent, isn't it?

Yeah, it was gross.

I just wanted any way of getting like the worst food into my body.

It was duck, but instead of tomato base, it was hoisin sauce.

Oh, my god.

And most people would go, and after I had that, I didn't have pizza again for a week.

No, you went on twice more that same day to have pizza.

We had a show.

I was doing a student sketch comedy show that night, and before the show, we went out and I got pizza.

Pheasant?

Pheasant pizza this stuff?

Just for my takeaway.

It's probably pepperoni with extra cheese.

And then also, I remember this distinctly, but they had a thing running

at the takeaway where they spun a wheel and you could win something.

And I won a free garlic bread, so I had that as well.

And then we went out and got pissed that night.

And then about two in the morning, I ate Donica Bab pizza.

Oh,

my God.

And

only halfway through it, I was like, oh, this is my third pizza of the day.

Only halfway, you realize it.

And I won that free garlic, but on the skin.

One of the best things that's ever happened to me was me and two friends went to Pizza Express and ordered our pizza.

One of the best things that's ever happened.

Yeah, it was amazing.

And we all ordered our pizza.

So

one of our friends was a vegan, and his pizza just never arrived.

And so they gave, but me and my other mate, our pizzas arrived.

So we got all of our pizzas for free.

And he still didn't get his pizza, was the best part of it.

So we left.

And me and my mate, me and Ishkuma,

got a free pizza each.

And our other friend had no pizza and nothing to show for it.

It was hilarious.

It was Romesh Renko.

Yes, it was.

Just to see two people that you've eaten with just enjoy their pizza because it had arrived properly

to finish it in front of you while you wait for your food and then be told that their food is free as a result

as a result of having suffered absolutely zero inconvenience in fact i would argue that their experience had been added to by being able to watch me as they eat their food not have my food yeah it was amazing and it was the best person for it to happen to just immediately angry didn't hide it at all really furious Best person to be there with as well and have Nish there, who doesn't hide his glee whatsoever.

Ah,

greatest to fucking walk through the street with it.

It was so, I loved it when the waitress came back to the table and went, We're so, so sorry that your pizza hasn't arrived.

The meal is on us.

What?

What meal?

Look at his mouth.

What meal?

What meal are you referring to?

We always start with still or sparkling water.

I will go sparkling, please.

Sparkling.

And the reason for the...

I just...

I like the luxury of it.

I actually have a Diet Coke addiction

that

apparently is a problem.

I didn't think it was a problem.

It's got zero calories and stuff.

Are you aware of this?

I don't think it's a problem.

I've found nothing but positives from drinking Diet Coke.

For me, it tastes like normal Coke, anyway.

As far as I know, unless we discover something else, sparkling water.

You can have that as much as you like, right?

There's no...

Well, weirdly, I think there is something about it putting off the weight on sparkling water.

Are you being serious?

Yeah, I'm being serious.

I don't know the exact science behind it, but it's like the bubbles do something to trap calories or something.

I don't know.

The bubbles do something to trap calories.

I'm not saying I'm an expert on this, but I've heard rumours that sparkling water might be bad as well.

Okay, well, that's that is.

Well, the only thing I've heard is that it's bad for your, you know, enamel.

on your teeth.

Yeah,

that's something I'm worried about.

I don't give a shit.

No, okay.

So you say it's a luxury, but now you're glugging it all day long.

Is it not?

No, it's not a luxury anymore.

I don't glug it all day long, but I sort of

will tuck into it.

Yeah.

I don't have it all day, but when I do have it, it's a guilt-free place.

You properly like, is the bottle like vertical?

You got your headphone back?

Sometimes I do that.

Sometimes I do that.

Shout cowabunga before you drink it?

I'm trying to think of a time when I have shout cowabunga

because I don't want to answer dishonestly.

It's possible, certainly feasible.

It's certainly not outside the realms of possibility.

We're not rolling it out.

I just saw this morning, actually, possibly because I may have been talking about sparkling water and my phone was listening to me, an advert for alcoholic sparkling water.

Have you seen this?

Yeah, I saw the advert.

Hard seltzer.

I've never heard of this.

Never heard of this.

I don't know how I feel about it, really.

I'm not sure if I'm in favour.

I think I drink it too quickly.

I'd glug it.

Yeah, that is is the problem, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I have a similar problem with the Long Island iced tea.

I don't know if you've ever dabbled in that cocktail.

No.

But that is eminently gluggable.

Yeah.

I can't believe I said those words out loud.

Love it.

Eminently gluggable.

That was the original name of this podcast.

Yeah.

Eminent.

Welcome to Eminent and Gluggable.

What's in a Long Island iced tea?

Remind me.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

Hold on.

Let me look it up.

Here we go.

Vodka, gin, tequila,

rum, triple sec, and lime.

I mean, I think I might have looked, I think I might have accidentally looked up some sort of fucking underground recipe there.

I mean, that sounds really, that sounds like a really depraved version of the drink that I love.

That's vicious.

Drink it out of a jug or something.

That doesn't sound very safe.

I have that problem with that, is that you can knock it back.

I had a really weird experience with cocktail.

Well, Lisa doesn't really like me telling this story, story, but I will tell it to you.

We went away for

went away for a night and the hotel that we're at had a cocktail bar.

And Lisa, have you either of you met Lisa?

Yes, once, but I don't think I have.

She's very, very,

quite chilled out, quite relaxed character.

We went to this cocktail bar.

and we started knocking back cocktails and something about long eyelashed tea just turned her super aggressive

and she just sort of like started being really kind of horrible to me in kind of a in a way that she clearly found funny yeah you know she was like she'd be like you know i'd say something go shut up you're boring old cum

you know just sort of and then there was this sort of other couple sitting alongside from us and then i i would say i'd say i'd say i sort of noticed she was getting pissed i go should we go should we go up to the room she'd go oh shut stop being so boring let's have another drink and then and then she'd get the other couple involved she'd go isn't he being boring what a boring prick isn't he boring and then they go yeah he is being really boring why don't you just have a why don't you just have a drink with your wife you boring prick and then they all sort of sat there kind of roasting me for a while

um

and then lisa vanished to the toilet and didn't come back for like an hour

and uh

and then the other girl said she'll i go find her uh And I said, sure.

And she'd follow me.

After an hour.

Yeah.

I think maybe 40 minutes or something like that.

But you were sitting there for the 40 minutes.

I'll be honest with you, James.

I was enjoying enjoying the break from my rush.

But I'd say maybe 10 minutes.

You should send someone in to look for her.

Anyway, so

the next morning, she woke up completely hangover free.

Oh, infuriating.

And completely forgotten about what had happened.

And I chose not to remind her.

because I just thought she's had a nice, you know, she's had a nice time.

I don't want to start dragging up the sour events of the previous evening.

And then about two weeks later, we're we're driving past the hotel.

I said, we should go back there one night to have a night there.

And she goes, I'm not after what happened last time.

So I said, so you do fucking run.

All this time,

I had assumed that had slipped your mind, but it hadn't.

Poppadums or bread?

Well, look,

thank you for your question, James.

I think I'd go bread, but the reason I'd go bread is because I prefer poppadums.

Yeah, yeah, I.

I know, I I know.

The reason I say this is because I really love Papadoms.

And actually, when we're on tour pre-apocalypse, one of the things that we were doing was we're going to a curry house pretty much every night.

Poppadoms.

Lunch.

And I love...

It's weird, isn't it?

It's weird to take something that's already been deep fried

and then to batter it and deep fry it again.

Something only my dad would do.

No, I just think that

you always overindulge and it ruins the meal.

Whenever we arrive at an Indian, I'm always like starving.

And then I ask for, they always say, how many poppadoms do you want?

And they're asking you that absolute peak hunger.

And so I'll always say, suggest two, possibly three per person.

And then you finish the poppadums and you think we could just leave now.

You know, there's no reason to stay here apart from we've ordered food and etiquette dictates that we can't just do a runner after the poppadums.

But I do think they should just have poppadom kiosks.

You know, just like little shacks where you can just pick up poppadums yeah how how would you how would you serve them though if they were like street food i think i think you'd have the poppadums broken into pieces and served into a poppadum that's been formed into a cone you can get you can get conical poppadums can't you yeah so i think it's just the conical one with the kind of bits in the and then how would you know there's and then you put the sauces on yourself into the cone like a big a big crunchy ice cream do you know what i'll be honest with you as i described the conical thing i knew that that would be the far-up question i've got nothing for you there i i haven't i haven't thought thought that far into it

I guess I guess you'd have like bottles of and you squeeze it on like a Raspberry Ripple yes I guess you want different like sauce ratios with each bite don't you when I'm having to pop it on and stuff like I don't really just have like all the sauces together or just one sauce I like to vary it up what do you go for first on the chutneys I'd probably go for mango chutney first because it was my first love

of all the dips is the first one i liked

i'm steering clear of mango chutney broadly yeah yeah why is that why is that too sweet for me the thing is i don't want to i mean i've left it a while but i'm type one diabetic romash

bring that up um so if i'm having a curry it's a big undertaking anyway if i'm having rice and bread it's a lot of insulin to do so i'm not going to pile on mango i'm not going to have jam as my starter mate do you know what's so funny so that if you eat mango chutney and think of jam

It's incredible how similar that it is, it's insane.

It is absolutely insane as a product, mango chutney.

Yeah, it's jam.

You're having some jam.

It's jam.

I once saw Ed Byrne do a routine about mince pies, just tasting like mango chutney in a sock or something.

And now, every time I have mango chutney, I think about mince pies, and it makes me feel all Christmassy.

That is a weird reverse engineering of a journey to a Christmas store, isn't it?

Yep, and that's just like, yeah, that'd be my advice if you ever go to see Ed Byrne.

Yeah.

Take each of his routines.

They're all very negative, but flip them around in your own life and make positives out of them.

But to answer your question, Robbish, I would start with that.

But then

essentially, as soon as I get going on the lime pickle, I'm there for quite a while.

I love a lime pickle.

I had an issue.

I think it's lime pickle, or it might have been Jail Frazy, but I was at dinner with Susie Ruffle at an Indian restaurant after a tour date.

And then I went to the toilet and came back to sit down and basically had the experience of what I believed,

it felt like a rapid-onset STI, but actually, what it was is I hadn't washed my hands probably before going for a piss.

And I transferred, I believe it was either lime pickle or possibly Jale Frazier onto my penis.

Yeah.

And then had to say to Susie, just hold your anecdote there a minute, Susie.

I'm going to go back to the toilet.

And I've just been.

There's no other way of explaining this apart from the fact I think I might have curry on my dick.

It's the curry/slash general chili on the penis is the worst feeling.

It is the worst.

You feel like such an idiot as well.

You feel like such an idiot.

Like my dick's burning and it's all my fault.

Yeah.

And then you sort of think, Jesus Christ, there's so much.

That is upsetting that I was handling food and now those molecules have made their way to my penis.

It's

yeah.

Oh, handling it and then...

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

I thought you were stirring the curry with your dick.

No, I mean, you can do that.

You can do do that.

But

then you definitely have no one else to blame but yourself.

Well, I think if I, if I had if the food had arrived and I'd stirred it with my dick and then gone to the toilet and come back and gone Susie, you're never going to fucking believe what's happened.

She'd know.

I've got a burning sensation because I think I've got curry on my dick.

And she'd say, well, surely, Romish, surely you'd have assumed that was likely to happen.

Yeah.

I've just watched you stir the curry with your penis.

Yeah,

I can't believe you're surprised by that.

She's not going to be there anymore.

If, if, if I witness someone take their penis out, stir their curry with it, and then go to the toilet, I'm straight out of that restaurant.

Hold on, would you leave?

Would you just leave, even if they were a good friend?

Yeah.

I'd tweet about it first.

I'd get you cancelled.

Rummish has whipped his dick out and stirred.

I mean, everyone in the restaurant's seen.

You're in trouble.

Would I be cancelled, just to know what the tipping point is on this?

Would I be cancelled for getting the dick out of the Indian restaurant, or would it be when I started stirring that you think it's cancelled time?

Well,

I think you could quietly get your dick out in an Indian restaurant and maybe people wouldn't notice.

But if you then stood up with your dick out and plopped it into the balty pot, I i think people might be yeah

i think the fact that you're there

the fact that you're there with a woman as well doesn't you know who's not your you're not in a relationship with susie and you just stand up and oh so you're saying james that if romesh stirred a curry with his dick and his wife was there people would be okay with it yeah

right yeah depends if lisa was drunk or not if she wasn't drunk i think she'd accept it if she was drunk she'd go look at this prick

look at this cunt stirring a curry with his penis mankey old dick stirring this fucking curry put that no one wants to see that mate mate.

Put it away.

Right, but bread, though, yeah?

You're going with bread.

Yeah,

okay.

Good stuff.

What kind of bread?

Something plain.

Something that I could nibble on without getting addicted to and then ruin my appetite, I guess.

This is a running theme.

You're very...

concerned about getting addicted to food, addicted to drink.

I've got an addictive personality and I don't really have very, I don't have much willpower.

So

I have to kind of put in other barriers to me eating too much, which are kind of eat flavorless stuff.

And hopefully you won't have too much of it.

Right.

Well, we'll have to.

So so far I'm having sparkling water as a treat and some plain bread.

To stop yourself from having the thing that you prefer, which is poppin' ups in the dream, in the dream restaurant.

So

thank you, Julie.

Thank you for making all my wishes come true.

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what is your starter robbesh so my starter is actually a main course that uh that i'm i'm turning into a starter for the purposes of this meal and that is uh vegan chicken and waffles uh now i had this uh recently

in New York just before lockdown and

it's as it sounds you know that it's like fake chicken on top of these waffles with the syrup all over it and I've always been fascinated by that dish as kind of the ultimate and sort of anti-veganism so when I saw a vegan equivalent of it I was intrigued but the problem with all of these fake meat things and all of these simulation things is they've only got I reckon they've got about seven mouthfuls maximum before they get found out.

You know, and that was the problem with this dish is for the first, I'd say, quarter of it, I was like, this is fucking great.

Like it tastes just like chicken and waffles and it's amazing and it's really delicious.

And then I would say about halfway through, three quarters of the way through, I started to think, it's quite synthetic.

This is very chemically.

I don't think I'm enjoying this anymore.

And by the end of it, I never wanted to eat it again.

But

the first portion of that, the first portion, it was fucking great.

If I had like enough of it for the illusion not to be undermined, you know, just that kind of portion.

I think that's perfect.

So, yeah, it's a starter portion.

And we obviously, this is the dream restaurant.

We've got a genie on staff.

So we can make sure that the last bite you take of it is the bite before it tips over.

Perfect.

Yeah.

That would be that, God, that would be, Jesus, that would be amazing.

Because honestly, genuinely, the first part of that was fucking magical, man.

Yeah.

Like, it was so delicious.

And I've never eaten something that has taken me from

paradise to sort of horror over such a short amount of time.

I really never, I never wanted to see the restaurant again.

I even felt kind of slight anger towards the waiter

just because I felt so sort of funny having eaten all of it.

Do you remember what restaurant it was?

It was called Urban Vegan Kitchen, which I, you know, as names go, doesn't get much more pretentious, does it?

I'm very relieved.

Ed, I don't know about you in that moment, but I was quite, I was thinking, oh, I hope it's not champs.

I hope he's not about to say he never wanted to go to champs again because champs do chicken and waffles and uh

and it's all vegan and it's very delicious and it's very good yeah this is the one thing that my non-vegan mates have a goat me about is eating meat substitutes is something that my friends

i don't know if you can call them my friends the way they question my lifestyle to this but but but the um they're constantly going on about why would you why would you get a meat simulation but i but i don't i never see that i i always think that that's the sort of desperate argument of a guilty meat eater who's trying to pick a logical hole in something that you're doing because they feel bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, that stuff, I was at a wedding once and there's two people who were vegans.

Just very nice people, not making a big deal out of it whatsoever.

And one guy on the table who had a massive problem with it and wouldn't leave it alone and kept saying, but kept throwing scenarios at them.

that they would never end up in.

I thought, well, okay, well, let's say this then.

Let's say you're trapped in a house, right?

It's like, it's proper, like, you can't get out of the house.

You're going to be there for days.

All they've got in the freezer at this point, they just got like meat and chips, and that's all they've got.

Are you just going to eat the chips all the time?

Surely you're going to delve into the meat.

You're going to do it.

And they're like, yeah, probably.

In the event of an apocalypse, I'm trapped in a house.

Yeah, I will probably eat the meat that's in the freezer.

He's there leaning back in his chair.

Oh, mate.

The aha moment that they have that they fucking undermined your whole thing.

So, okay, so there's a gun to your son's head.

Yeah.

And they say to you, you have to eat this lamb chop, otherwise the kid gets it.

Would you eat the lamb chop?

Yeah, I would.

Okay, so you don't, you're not fully committed to it.

You're not fully vegan, then, are you?

Because if you've got a choice, there are circumstances in which you would eat them.

So there you go.

There you go.

That's all I'm saying.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah.

You know?

So you'll be vegan when it suits you.

Is it

fucking amazing?

As if you meant to go, yeah, treat my son.

I'm not eating that lamb chop.

Fair play to him.

Stick to his guns, that one.

That argument, though, of saying, like, well, why do you eat meat substitute?

If the whole, it's a meat substitute.

That would suggest that anyone eating meat is going, I really love this because it's an animal.

I know, I know.

It's a convenience thing, though, isn't it?

Because I went vegan like maybe seven years ago, and it has got so much better in the UK for vegans

since then.

It's a convenience thing.

when you're the fact that you can go to pretty much anywhere and there will be some sort of vegan option just makes life so much easier.

Because I remember when I first started, somebody would go, Do you want to go in here to grab something to eat?

And I think, oh, fucking hell, they're definitely not going to have something.

I'm going to have to ask if they can do something special.

And then they're going to bring out a boiled carrot, and I'm going to have to be grateful because they've gone to the trouble of doing it.

Or they'll say something like, The chef's never faced a challenge like this before, see what he comes up with, or whatever.

And you just don't have that anymore.

So,

you know, going into kfc i'm not saying that i desperately want to have the kfc vegan burger but it's just the fact that if your mates decide to go to kfc there's something for you to order do you know what i mean i i do think that's part of it although i did have a weird thing because there was there's this place called do me's um that i went to in in uh in la

and they have um

they have it's vegan junk food right and it looks like It looks like a pure kind of diner menu or whatever, bacon, double cheeseburger and all of this stuff, but all of it's vegan and they had i said to the i asked what the recommendation was i said that the hot wings are amazing and they brought this basket of wings over and they'd like they'd driven a wooden peg it was fake meat but there's a wooden peg in there for you to kind of nibble around it for me i'll be honest with you that's a simulation taken too far sure you know i i don't need the skeleton

i know there's there's some bits that yeah there's some bits that if you can cut that out of the equation then why don't you like it's like saying we've invented a vegan meat that screams when you cut into it.

And it can reproduce if it's alive.

It's an animal.

It's a chicken.

We've invented a chicken.

Ed and I and the Great Benito, when we were in LA, we went to a vegan place.

What was it called, Ed?

It was the Grateful Place.

Cafe Gratitude.

Cafe Gratitude.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've been there.

It was the most LA experience we've ever had.

James, tell Romash why it was the most LA experience we've ever had.

A whole bunch of reasons.

One is that it was vegan.

One is that we had to order our food by saying, I am grateful.

I am majestic, whatever it was.

But the biggest one, probably this is ultimate vegan.

This is like the most vegan experience I've had.

Never mind, LA, is that we're sitting in a vegan restaurant in LA and we look round and Moby's there.

There's this Moby sitting on a table.

And we're like, I can't believe it.

He's actually here.

He's in a vegan restaurant.

We're just staring at him.

I went to Cafe Gratitude with somebody

who sat down and said to the waitress, just so you know, I'm not fucking ordering it like that.

Just give me that.

Which is, of course, how we all feel.

From the UK, of course, that's how we feel.

Yeah.

It was fun, though.

I went in thinking, I don't want to order it like that.

And then we had the nicest waiter ever, just a super nice guy.

And so I was like, I can't.

I can't stay to him.

I'm not doing it.

And as soon as I said, I am powerful, and he went, you are powerful.

I was like, this feels great.

Yeah.

Did it feel good?

Oh, it felt great.

I loved it.

I thought, because actually, I'd say it's probably even better for British people, because not only do you get to experience a rare feeling of saying something positive about yourself out loud,

but also

because you're British, you think it's pretty funny.

Yeah.

I think you have to do it with a certain amount of irony and

like you're taking the piss by joining in.

So I was doing I am black coffee.

I was just ordering everything like that.

Yeah.

Your main course, Romesh?

So, my main course is a

series of.

Well, it's my mum's cooking, basically.

I would like a sort of a small, no, actually, fuck it.

It's my dream, it's my dream meal, isn't it?

Yeah.

Slightly larger than small portion of white rice.

I'd like a

soya curry,

that my mum does.

An aubergine curry some yellow dull

and a little side of masala dorsa would be my kind of would be my main course it would be my kind of main course it'd be actually my main course so is it is this a meal does your mum always serve these things together no she doesn't uh because my mum uh combines um

being a feeder with constantly complaining about my physical shape.

So she would never, she would never serve me those things at the same time.

She does this thing where,

well, I'm saying it like she does it without my wanting her to.

She delivers these Sri Lankan, I describe them as Sri Lankan care packages to the house, where she will

make,

she'll make a big batch of

curry and then deliver it.

Normally, I think when she knows that Lisa has gone to a lot of effort cooking that day.

And then she'll sort of knock on the door

and say, oh, hi guys, I brought some.

Just in case you don't want this, that obviously Lacey's been slamming away over.

I've got you something.

I'm not going to say you're going to prefer it, Romish.

But you might like it as an alternative.

You know, she does a lot of that.

But when she does bring that food over, she's very much like, you should only have a small amount at a time.

Okay, don't have too much.

Because honestly, darling, you're so close to looking almost good.

Because I've lost a bit of of weight recently.

My mum's become obsessed with

me getting a six-pack.

And

she.

I don't want to be mean to your mum, that's pretty fucking weird.

Yeah.

Most people's mums

aren't really

a child.

I really want my child to get a six-pack.

Yeah.

What's weird?

Every time she talks about it, she's sort of slightly rubbing her tits as she says it's

makes it creepier.

Like she has genuinely become obsessed with me getting a six-pack.

I think she thinks, I don't know, she hasn't really explained why.

And she says,

I really think

you should try and get yourself a six-pack.

Since you've lost weight, she said that.

I think that.

I think she was taking it step by step.

So the first thing was try not to look disgusting anymore.

And then once, and then she was like, moved to getting a six-pack.

And I said to her, I just said, said, it's not going to happen.

It's absolutely not going to happen.

I was very clear on that.

It's not going to happen.

She says, well, why not?

Why not?

Why not?

So, first of all, I don't want it.

I don't want a six-pack.

You know, it's not, it's so difficult for people who've got the genetic advantages, who've got the willpower, have got the youth on their, it's so difficult for them to get a six-pack.

And I don't even particularly want it.

I think it would look freakish.

Also,

the thing that scares me about that sort of thing is if you work that hard to get it, and then your whole life is trying to maintain it oh mate what an awful life it's like getting a ferrari and then just desperately trying not to get a scratch on it terrible so much of your life is is is based on trying to keep that going so um but she told me she said she genuinely said to me uh uh

she she every every time i speak to her by the way she mentions a six-pack i'm yet to have a conversation during lockdown where she hasn't she hasn't mentioned the six-pack right So she said to me, I said to her, mum, it cannot, it just can't.

I'm not going to get a six-pack.

She goes, yeah, but you know know what you should do?

You should have turmeric every day.

That can help.

I said, mum,

I think if turmeric gave you a six-pack, I reckon I would have already heard about it.

I find it almost impossible to believe that that news would have been delivered to me by you.

I love that she wants you to get a six-pack, but she's still dropping off.

massive packages of her cooking.

It's like it's a test.

It's a test.

She's just going, well, I'm going to leave this here, but I'll be very disappointed if you eat it.

Yeah.

And she delivers it in such big containers that

she sort of asked me to buy smaller containers in advance so I can decant because there's no way that you would be able to tackle that amount of food in one go, you know.

So currently, she did she did a drop-off a couple of days ago.

Our freezer is full of little containers with my mum's handwriting on.

From the one who really loves you.

No, she doesn't write that.

She just sort of

dial for Romi.

Has she lawyer Has she done like a drawing of you with a sex pack on every container?

She just stuck pictures of Peter Andre on all of them.

It's such a weird thing to be obsessed about, but she really is convinced.

What would you say out of all the dishes you named that your mum makes for this particular meal is the star?

What's the...

What's the one that is like you drink?

I think the aubergine curry is

absolutely knockout.

I grew up eating it.

as soon as I became

as soon as I went vegetarian my mother started making me feel making it for me all the time but it is the in order to make it's very unhealthy because yeah you she deep fries deep fries a theme in our house as I'm sure you're aware.

No lessons learned what's the lessons she deep fries the aubergine I think in a technique she learned watching my dad cook eggs.

She deep fries the aubergine before she makes it into a curry and then dries the oil out of it or whatever.

But it is, it tastes so incredible um it is so delicious um well that's

aubergine's just like a big oil sponge right that's why it tastes so good because it just sucks up every bit of fat i think essentially what i'm telling you is i enjoy spicy oil and salt i i think that is what i'm enjoying about it um and also the other thing is like when you have aubergine that hasn't been done well it tastes so horrific doesn't it yeah so so the fact that she can make aubergine taste so magical um i find uh pretty impressive but i'm only allowed to have it every now and again so for example she dropped off aubergine recently but that was the first that's probably the second time in about six months i've been allowed to have aubergine curry because obviously six packs on the way i do

i do like that you say you since you've been allowed to have it which completely negates any option of you making it yourself you're like there's only one person who can bring me aubergine curry and it's my mum so she's not allowed to cook well my mum yeah first of all i'm not allowed to cook but also my mum revealed a lot of things she's not allowed to do yeah my mum recently revealed to me that when she gives the recipes for her curries to other people she deliberately omits ingredients because she doesn't want anyone to make it as nicely as her wow and then and then what she does is she she gives them the recipe they make it and then they phone her and say something like i don't Thanks for the recipe, Shanti.

It doesn't quite taste the way that you made it.

And she goes, I don't know, maybe it's some sort of magic in my hands.

Fuck it hell i take it she omits like a small ingredient like a spice or something she doesn't just like leave the aubergine out no i think that would be yeah

like jonth is weird we just got come and soup i'm not sure what to do

but but but but in answer to your question ed you're absolutely right you are absolutely right and this is something that my mum and i um have talked about is that My mum wants to teach me how to make all of these dishes.

The problem is they take, I say the problem, they take a long time and nobody else in my house likes them so Lisa doesn't really like Sri Lankan food that much the kids are not that into it so um

you know Lisa gets annoyed I say annoyed annoyed is a bit strong she gets uh irritated by me just desecrating the kitchen for the sake of something that she can eat let alone something she's got no intention of eating so

your family sounds mad have they had Sri Lankan foods like I'd say one I'm struggling to think of a cuisine that is better than Sri Lankan food like it's so good good.

What is their problem?

I don't know.

Well, the kids are sort of averse to spicy stuff anyway at the moment.

Hopefully they'll get beyond that.

Lisa just

not into it.

The truth is, James,

now that you've said that, I'm starting to think maybe it's just she's got a problem with my mum.

Because

she does eat Indian food.

When you get Indian takeaway, she'll tuck into that.

So it's not like she's got a problem with

spicy food.

I think it's what is it,

yeah.

I think she's anyone who likes Indian food has to like Sri Lankan food.

I, you know,

well, actually, maybe it's because

all the Sri Lankan food I've had has been at quite nice places, but like it's always seemed like just a more exciting version of the

coveries that I've had in the past.

Melisa likes Indian food, but then specifically hates the food of the country where your family are from, right?

I guess, yeah,

I guess she sort of looks at indian food and thinks it doesn't undermine my position as wife and mother in the house in the same way that sri lankan food has done yeah wait wait when your mum shows when my mum knocks on the door and goes just in case you're starving because this bitch can't do it

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Is your side dish for your dream meal also...

Is it a complement this main meal of Sri Lankan food?

It does, but it's not something something that my mum, it's not something that my mum cooks, although I'm sure if she heard this, she'd be absolutely furious with me for suggesting that she couldn't make it.

But it's a side dish called Gobi65.

Are you aware of this?

Are you aware of this thing?

It's a South Indian thing.

And it's cauliflower.

It's sort of spiced cauliflower.

And it tastes...

absolutely amazing.

I've got no idea why it's called Gobi65.

If you told me that the reason it's called Gobi65 is there were 64 previous iterations of it and this is the most delicious one they came up with, I would believe you because it tastes absolutely magical.

It's unbelievable.

And they have managed to make cauliflower

taste like a treat.

It just tastes absolutely amazing.

And the thing is, with vegan food, the words that you have associated with vegan food are kind of fresh,

crunchy, healthy, and all this shit.

Gobi 65 is not healthy.

Do you know what I mean?

You can feel it sort of coating your insides as you eat it.

I love it.

I absolutely love it.

I could eat, it's one of those foods that I could eat by the bucket load.

Where are you getting Gobi 65 from?

Because obviously I want that real bad now.

If you go to any South Indian restaurant, the best place to go to get Gobi 65 is if you've been to one of those South Indian restaurants where it looks like they just put up picnic tables in the restaurant.

The furniture is absolutely fucking shocking.

And you have to take your own alcohol with you.

They

it's worth it for their Gobi65.

Their Gobi65 will almost always be exceptional.

It's so great, man.

I love the

Gobi65.

I don't know why it's making me laugh so much every time you say it.

I've never looked up why it's called Gobi65.

I'm going to Google it now

because I do want to know quite a lot.

Could it be that there's 65 different spices in it?

That seems

worth it, doesn't it?

It feels weird, like in the same way that they might call it kfc 11 yeah so someone says here it is a symbol of machoism to be able to eat the most chilies an enterprising hotelia capitalized on this and cooked up the dish chicken 65 denoting that 65 chilies were used for every kilogram of chicken some chefs believe it is called so because of the 65 ingredients used in making it so actually Opinions differ here.

It doesn't taste like...

It's not very hot.

It's not challenging to eat.

It's deep fried, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, perfect.

It is deep fried.

I'm on the Wikipedia for it.

I imagine this is the first bit of traffic it's got in a while.

I don't think many people are

going on the GoB65 Wikipedia.

I mean, like Aubergine, cauliflower is one of those things that just takes on flavour and fat so nicely.

Yes.

Absolutely.

I love a cauliflower dish.

I've got to be honest with you,

having done this podcast now, I'm starting to think I'm less of the culinary genius that I thought I was.

It turns out that I just like spicy deep-fried things.

I don't have quite the discerning palate that I suspected before I did this podcast.

I came on here thinking, oh, this is going to be great.

I'm going to share some of my insights.

Hello, you just like salt, heat, and oil.

One account claims that the dish emerged as a simple meal solution for Indian soldiers in 1965.

Oh, here we go.

It's also claimed to relate to a requirement for the meat to be from a 65-year-old chicken.

Oh.

Sorry, 65 day old.

Yeah.

That was fucking gerry at this chicken.

That was disgusting.

This is the stringiest thing I have ever eaten.

We had to keep it alive for 65 years.

It was really hard.

So what Alzheimer's really adds to the flavour of the chicken.

Atrophy just makes it delicious.

Others claim that it means 65 pieces of chicken.

I mean, that's the most unoriginal one.

No imagination, those people.

I think it's because there's 65 pieces in there.

Is there?

Did you just eat 60...

Think about it.

Did you just eat 65 pieces of chicken?

Does that mean as soon as you've eaten one piece, we have to change the name of the dish?

Or you just have to keep adding one back in every time you eat it.

Bad luck.

It's not going to be 65 unless there's 65 pieces.

Now we come to your favourite drink.

We've been talking a lot about drinks earlier in the show.

Your diet, coke addiction

Cocktails that you like this is a bit out there what I'm about to suggest for my for my drink.

That's all I'm saying.

All right.

Okay, and ordinary deep fried diet coke

Have you seen have you watched Deep Fry Masters?

Yep.

Yes.

Of course.

Okay.

Of course we have fucking hell.

Of course we've watched that.

It's literally the show that is most up our streak.

Like as soon as that appeared on Netflix, we were watching that and texting each other whilst we were watching it.

So have you guys, have you guys.

So, deep-fried lemonade, yeah.

What is what the hell is going on?

So, what I can make out there is that they've got some sort of like cake, a little spongy cake, that they inject lemonade into until it's absolutely just like saturated beyond belief with lemonade, and then they deep-fry that.

And then when you eat that, it just tastes like that's all that the cake is like secondary, everything's just like it just tastes like that.

And so, is is is is lemonade flooding your mouth then?

I think so.

I think you bite into it and you get the crispiness of the outside and then just a burst of lemonade.

Do you know what?

Do you know what I love about that show is they describe the people that have come up with those dishes like they cured cancer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Derek is responsible for possibly the best-selling deep-fried lemonade in the whole of the South.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, look.

Well, they put to a lot of Butch Benavides.

One of the judges, Butch Benavides, who

came up with loads loads of stuff, mostly just putting stuff on sticks, putting deep-fried stuff on sticks.

Deep-fried cheesecake.

Yeah, they talk about him like he's Tesla.

It's so funny because also the things that they judge the food on, you know, some people say, you know, is it the balance of flavours and stuff like that?

They go, Can you eat this while you're walking?

Yeah, that's that's one of the biggest criteria.

What they mean is, can you eat it on the way to the next snack shack?

Yeah, I'm walking down the midway.

Can you hold five of them up at the same time?

Yeah.

Anyway, my drink

is

Raspberry

Tango Ice Blast.

Brilliant.

Amazing.

Absolutely incredible.

Now,

I can already feel Twitter lighting up as we speak.

All the listeners getting on there.

You fucking what?

That's your dream drink, is it?

Raspberry Tango Ice Blast as well.

How specific that is.

I can't believe you've picked a drink that you can probably only get from a cinema.

That's what makes it so fucking amazing, though.

And you can't even get it from my cinema anymore.

They've changed to, what's it called, icy.

Right.

Right.

Now, I'm actually...

I already feel like I'm kind of in your corner on this one, to be fair.

Explain your reasons why, but

I get this.

I just think

it's just unadulterated joy, that drink.

I like all icy drinks, but Raspberry Tango Ice blast is the best one i've ever had it's have you had it by the way yes i've never had it so um

so obviously it's pure sugar it's blue so already that's 50 of the battle one for me because blue food is so rare yeah i think when you do get it it feels special sure yeah

and um

every time

You take a sip of that drink and I stand by this and I don't give a fuck what your people tweeting in are going to say every time you drink it you experience the joy of having tasted it for the first time it is so

just delicious it is so delicious that when my kids ask for a sip of it i feel anger

yeah it is so lovely it is so delicious that i actually start

when i the first time i tried it i just thought this is so good i can't believe how good this is and um and then i do remember where were you where were were you when you first I was at Crawley I was at Crawley Cineworld yeah um and I tried pardon what film I think it was it might have been box trolls

uh I can't remember but um anyway I tried this trick I thought it was Box Trolls by the way what a fucking harrowing watch that was there's a part in box trolls where there's a vice that comes down and looks like it crushes them all to death right And we watched that, and I just think that's too much peril for a kid's film.

Because we watched that, and my son turned to me almost like he wanted to cry.

And he said, Are they okay, Dad?

And I just said to him, Yeah, yeah, of course they're okay.

Thinking, I hope this doesn't have a really fucking dark twist.

And there's actually box troll chutney when they when they bring that vice back up.

I'd imagine it didn't soothe them that much that you were probably in the corner of the cinema in the fetal position from all the sugar with a very blue mouth, big blue beard

tripping balls.

So, how often can you have this, though?

Like, if it.

Well, I can't,

the truth is, I can't have it anymore because.

Well, I could, if I go to a cinema that has it, but I can't have it very frequently because Crawley have stopped doing it.

I actually looked up buying a machine.

Oh, this is exactly what I was.

Of course.

Look, you're doing well, Romesh, but you're not allowed to cook in your own house, so I doubt you're allowed a Tango Blast machine.

Well, I mean, I'm speaking to you now from the garage, and I've been told that if I wanted a Tango Ice Blast machine, I could have one in the garage.

That's sad, isn't it?

But

it's too expensive.

It's like two grand or something like that.

And there's maintenance and stuff like that.

I just don't want to make the call to the maintenance guys going, I've got a Tango Ice Blast machine that needs attention.

And I go,

which cinema location is it?

And I go, actually, it's in my garage.

I don't want to have that conversation.

Would that be such a great fact about you that people could bring up on a regular basis?

Like, you know the comedian Ramish Ranger Nathan?

He's got his own Tango Ice ice blast machine.

Gets it serviced and everything.

Gets it serviced.

He's got a go.

Slush puppies versus ice blasts.

Do you want to explain to the listeners why ice blasts are better?

I mean,

I can't imagine I'd have to, but I will do.

The tango ice blast has a sherbetty quality to it that isn't present in the slush puppy.

Yes.

There's kind of a

fizzy kind of tang to it that

slush puppies don't have.

and don't get me wrong slush puppies are are great

but they're not as nice they're nowhere near as nice actually as a tango ice blast slush puppies you've got two sips and then all the colours gone and you've just got ice well actually that is part of the issue with the tango ice blast and that's what i was going to ask you is it possible to have in this dream scenario have that tango ice blast modified So that it doesn't, you don't get to a point where you've just kind of got ice chips in the bottom of the cup.

Is that possible?

Yeah, we'll just add 10 times the syrup.

We'll just do it.

Every sip you have is that like that first sip yeah yes yeah um imagine imagine going to the cinema and requesting that because you don't want your just going look can i can you do me a phone i want a tango ice flask but i like to have it with 10 times the syrup yeah

that happens

that they would say how about this how about you get your own machine and put it in your garbage you greedy bass

absolutely one of the things i find fucking infuriating is when you go into the cinema

and they tell you and they tell you that you can't have a tango ice blast and the machine is clearly swirling the stuff around.

And so you go, you've made it.

So what you're saying, the problem is what, unlocking it?

Getting into that machine?

Where is the where's that thing?

That's because your mum gets a cinema before you do and tells them to not give you one because she wants you to get a big six pack.

When Ice Blasts first came in,

I had a job at Whixteed Park in Kettering

in the Oak Tree, which is a catering part of it.

And I served Ice Blast.

I was one of the first people in the UK

to man these ice blast machines.

Bet you're a bit star-struck now, Robbish, aren't you?

I've got to be honest with you.

I love a micelle machine.

And

therefore, I was one of the first people who had to explain to customers why, when it was still going around, we couldn't serve it to them.

Because there'd be a little red light next to it.

And basically, it was basically kind of starting the whole process again.

is basically started with the syrup and everything getting the ice so it's not ready yet because oh i see essentially if we did it at that point, you would just get-I mean, you'd probably love it, but you'd just get syrup and no real ice in there or anything like that.

It'd be pretty gold.

I just did it.

Did at any point they consider sort of making a kind of ice blast shroud that you could kind of put over it when it was out of order, just because

I guess kind of just to assuage people like me, yeah, who are just enraged by the idea that the ice blast appears to be so crazy.

I used to drink it so much, you would would have loved this job, rubbish.

I was drinking it all the time, and I was it's good, right?

Do you like it, James?

Yeah, I love ice blasts, and we had loads of different flavours back then as well.

And I would mix the lime ice blast with um the Coke from the soft drink dispenser as well.

I was mixing soft drinks and ice blasts together pretty regularly.

I was trying those different combinations, and I was trying different ones out with different soft drinks to find the best combinations.

James speaks about his job working the tango ice blast machine with more joy and enthusiasm than I've ever seen him talk about stand-up comedy.

I can't argue that, can I?

Absolutely.

Hey, you got me.

Absolutely true.

Try different combinations of stuff together.

Any combinations of jokes I've tried on stage have only left me feeling hollow and empty and gone home.

Well, during lockdown,

Wixtie Park has basically like looks like it's going to have to close.

And I've had a lot of people contact me saying, Will you sign this petition and get involved in saving Whixtie Park?

And any of my other places I used to work at, I would have been like, Sod off, don't give a shit.

Wixtie Park, I'm like, absolutely.

Straight away.

And is there a job going on the snacks?

Also,

does the oak tree need a hand?

I will volunteer then.

I'm going to be interested to hear your dessert now, Romish, bearing in mind you're coming off the back of the sweetest drink available.

Yeah, you're already on a sugar high.

That's not going to stop me, guys.

Good.

Good on you.

I do feel sorry for desserts

just because

they are great, but they always come when you're sort of least hungry.

So I'd like kind of, I kind of, before the dessert, like the sentence,

I'd love either the opportunity to take like an half an hour walk or if you were able to magic that feeling of having had that walk that would be that would be that would help me enjoy the dessert well we can put a treadmill at your table it's kind of not what i asked for yeah well you know i'm just trying to work out practical ways of doing this you know doesn't want to do the actual thing all right well how about yeah well it's magic you a walk and give you a six pack how's that so you you feel like you've had a walk and you've a six pack's emerged well now you're making me and my mum happy yeah very much

uh no but i do i do feel like like i always get excited about desserts particularly now as like more and more vegan ones have become available but and then by the time it comes round uh i end up ordering it even if i don't want it because i feel like oh well they've done a vegan dessert i should have it um but anyway to cut a long story short which the ship has selled on that i believe um i um i really love the vegan doughnuts from Crosstown Donuts.

Now, I don't know if you tried this.

They're pretty phenomenal.

That's one of the places where

I would opt for the vegan choice, probably, anyway, because it's just as good, if not better.

They are so delicious, man.

You know, like they've got the...

Because sometimes with doughnuts, the sweet filling plus the sweet dough is too much.

But crosstown doughnuts, they do this thing where they'll put like

rhubarb in the center, and the tartness of the rhubarb cuts against the sweetness of the doughnuts so beautifully.

I absolutely love it.

oh god, there's so much.

I think Crosstown got me into doughnuts because I don't think I was a massive doughnut guy before that, but Crosstown donuts, I'm all over that.

Absolutely love Crosstown.

Really good.

Well, I think the problem with a lot of doughnuts is they just think more is more.

So they add like shit on the top of it and they make it like in this kind of monster confection.

But actually, what you want is something where the flavors complement each other.

And

Crosstown absolutely nails that.

It's so, so good.

i had an awful situation where i was doing a writer's day and one of the people that were there had

had sort of heard that i or i think they they were the ones that introduced me to crosstown anyway they turned up with a box full of crosstown donuts and they'd got like six vegan ones and they said romish i've got you vegan doughnuts and i was at that time trying to i was sort of hoping to get myself a six or trying to restrain myself from eating that kind of stuff but because they'd gone to the trouble of doing it i felt like i should eat these vegan donuts donuts.

So I ate quite a few of them.

Yeah.

I hate to point that out to you, Romash, but you have ordered something else that's just another deep-fried thing.

Oh, gosh.

Do you know what that pause was?

It wasn't even, I genuinely felt bleak.

Yeah, I saw it in your eyes.

I saw you go because I knew you felt bad about that anyway.

Well, we were talking about the Gobi 65, but you've just ordered...

Yeah, but you know, the one consolation I'll have from the Holy Spirit is at least the tango, the ice blux in the deep-fried.

So I'm not a heathen.

It is the only time on this podcast.

We've done a lot of episodes of this podcast now.

It's the only time on this podcast where a guest, I've looked at a guest and the look of their face literally says, what have I done?

Like,

never seen that before.

But Papa like, what have I done?

And regret like it's real.

Because you came into this all like, oh, I can't wait to give some of my opinions on food and show off what a foodie i am deep fried chicken deep fried chicken for starter

deep fried cauliflower

doughnut do you know what do you know what makes it even more do you know what makes it even more disgusting the sort of connoisseur-y way i describe the rhubarb going to the doughnut like our some sort of fucking cordon bleur

distinguished prick no it's just another deep fried thing with sugar rice

Sorry to burst your bubble.

What you're complimenting the food on is something to cut through all the sugar you've been stuffing your fat fucking face with.

Just talking like a character from the clubs.

I think you should do a thing where

at the end of the podcast, you go, so do you still think you're a foodie?

Because there's absolutely no.

I think you are.

I think you are.

I think you are.

Absolutely.

You're my kind of foodie.

I love all this stuff.

That was delicious.

Crosstown Donuts.

I've actually not.

Had a donut from Crosstown Donuts because coming back to the things we've been saying quite a lot in this episode, I think I would love them too much.

And so I don't want want to.

So with every donut chain, I've done this.

I've like, I lived literally opposite a donut time.

Donut Time are good as well.

Donut Time is so good.

And for like three years, I lived opposite a donut time.

And I didn't go in there once because I was like, I can't.

And then a week before we moved,

I had one.

And then I think I had about five in a week because I was like, oh my God, this is the best thing ever.

And they'd started taking anybody who visited me.

If my family visited me, we'd go into town and get some doughnut time donuts.

Crosstown donuts.

Now, if I have a family visit, I take people to Crosstown Donuts because I know they're the best donuts that everyone talks about, and yet I still haven't had one.

I don't know what they taste like.

So, I've taken family members there and watched them eat these donuts, but known that it's too dangerous.

Do they find it weird that you take them to a place that you're sort of recommending and then sit there and just watch them eat the donut?

Yeah, and then they're like, You don't have one?

No, never have,

nor would I enjoy, yeah.

So, enjoy that.

Robish likes it, the deep fried master himself.

The original deep fried master, Romish Ranger Nathan.

But Trendavinis, we call it.

Oh my god, this is so fucking...

Honestly, man,

I'm not fucking about.

I forgot that on top of everything.

So the only course of this whole menu that isn't deep fried is your drink.

And during the drink course,

you went on a complete tangent about the show Deep Fry Masters.

Before you chose your drink, you asked us to clarify what deep fried lemonade is.

Yeah, before I choose my drink, what is deep-fried lemonade?

Because I might

want that.

It's possible that I might need the drink to be deep fried.

If your answer is satisfactory to me, I will be choosing deep-fried lemonade.

Yeah, first of all, some research.

What is deep-fried lemonade?

Oh, God, this can't go out.

But what flavour donut is it from cross-hole donuts?

You said the vegan one's been a bit.

There's one with like raw, I think it's raspberry and custard or something like that, but it's got raspberry in the middle of it and it's

it's been deep fried.

Fucking kill me.

Oh, I love it.

Right.

Well,

I'm gonna meet your order back to you.

Oh god.

Just to see how you feel about it.

Here we go.

Sparkling water.

Now,

how do you want that cooked?

It's amazing, isn't it?

I'm at sparkling water so that I don't indulge myself with a diet coke.

Yeah, for the rest of the meal, I'm fucking having a nice little bit of a drink.

Let's not forget you wanted poppadums, but you turned them down because you knew you'd have too many of them.

Yeah, but you wanted the fried poppadums, but uh instead you went for plain bread.

Started out with good intentions.

Starter, vegan chicken and waffles from an urban vegan kitchen in New York, but only up to the bite where it still tastes good.

Main course, mum's cooking, white rice, soya curry, aubergine curry, yellow dial, masala doser.

Side, Gobi65, because that's how many times it's deep-fried.

Drink, Raspberry Tango Ice.

That's when it turns for me.

That's when it took a turn.

That's when you realise.

And dessert, vegan cross-tone doughnuts, brackets, the mum with the raspberry and the custard in it.

It's so funny how arrogantly I was criticising my dad for

deep-frying boiled eggs.

Like I was better than him.

I am him.

Looks like the deep-fried apple doesn't fall apart from the tree.

Amazing.

I mean, I think that is a good menu, though.

Or deep-frying aside, that does sound absolutely delicious.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I couldn't bother with any of that, Romish.

Fucking hell.

This is bad.

Oh, fucking hell.

Romish, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

You've been marvelous.

Thanks very much.

Thanks for having me.

Certainly you're going to leave me with some questions to ask myself when I leave.

That's what we love.

Well, there we are.

The deep-fried special of Off-Menu with Romish Drunkenathan.

Whoa, there was a theme and a half to that.

It's not often we send a guest away and I fear we have done actual psychological damage, but that's the vibe i got at the end of that recording yep i think vlama should have been reassessing his entire life and how he lives it from now on that was pretty pretty worrying yep well that and he didn't say dried limes though of course he didn't no he probably said deep fried limes at some point yeah nearly nearly tried to bet that was on on the cards and we just realized haven't we james that this is episode 65 yeah Gobi 65.

That's very exciting.

All the 65 talk.

We didn't even know what episode this was going to be.

So that's why, can someone go on the Gobi65 Wikipedia page and edit it to say that people think it might be called Gobi65 because it was spoken about on episode 65 of Off Menu by Romesh Ranganathan.

Yes.

So like I say, this is series four.

Very exciting to be back.

We've not been await that long to be fair.

But spread the word, tell people about it.

Why not tweet us?

Follow us on Twitter or Instagram at OffMenuOfficial on both of those.

Do not tweet us and ask, hey, is there a list of those restaurants?

What restaurant do they mention in that episode?

You don't need to to do that.

Just go on the website, offmenu.org, and on that website is a whole list of restaurants.

The Great Benito has taken a long time to write that list.

So they're all there with links and everything.

Lovely guess at the website there, James.

It's offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Yes.

Also, why not leave us a review on itunes?

Give us five stars.

You can write a few sentences about why you like it, but mainly the stars is what counts.

But just go on there, sling us five stars.

Will you do that for for me, James?

Will you give us five stars?

I'll do it, Ed.

I'll go on there.

Anything to help up my buddy's podcast.

Thanks, mate.

Well, looking forward to the rest of the series.

We've got some absolutely brilliant episodes coming up.

But for now,

keep on munching.

Keep on munching, keep on lunching, keep on crunching.

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