Ep 30: Cerys Matthews

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much.

And enjoy the episode.

I'm going to need oven gloves to touch that podcast.

It's burning hot.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

Who's that over there?

James Acaster, actually.

actually.

James Acaster, there on the horizon.

Hello.

And it's me, Ed Gamble, here.

Sat in my little lighthouse watching James.

Welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

We are going to be interviewing a special guest today, as we always do about there.

Dream meal.

We're going to be asking that

there.

Favour ever.

Start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink.

Yes, and our guest this week in the dream restaurant is Keris Matthews.

That's right.

The actual Keris Matthews from Catatonia and stuff.

And guess what?

She's multi-talented.

She's written an actual cookbook with poems in it and stuff.

Poems and short stories.

What a cookbook.

What a cookbook.

It's called Where the Wild Cooks Go.

It is.

I've been perusing it today.

It's very exciting.

There's some really cool recipes in there.

And also some really nice little simple recipes of things that I'm going to try when I get home.

Because bad luck, Karis, I remembered them with my mind.

You're very good at memorising stuff, aren't you?

Yeah.

Sometimes Ed just goes into the library and just looks at the book and then goes home.

Yeah, ask me anything.

I've got a photographic memory.

Ask me anything.

How many legs does a spider have?

Four.

Correct.

As per usual, there is a secret ingredient that if the special guest says the secret ingredient, they will be kicked out of the restaurant.

Even though it's Keris Matthews.

Pains me to do it, but you know.

And the special ingredient.

Sorry, and the secret ingredient this week is sugar work.

That's right, sugar work.

You know, when you go to a fancy ass restaurant and they bring you the pudding and on top, they have put basically something that is like, it looks like a spring sometimes, but it has also the consistency of a spring.

Yeah, sometimes it looks like a little climbing frame or whatever.

But you see them do it on a MasterChef and stuff like that.

They make a dessert and they have to do some sugar work, just like working with caramel and sponge sugar or whatever, to make it look all fancy.

And actually, no one wants to eat that.

Breaks your teeth.

It's like they're putting the pudding in a cage.

Yep.

Yep.

No, thank you.

Hmm, I think I'd like this pudding in prison, please.

No.

So if Karis says I'd like some sugar work on that, you're out, Karis.

So sorry.

Yeah, it hurts me to do it, but you'll be out.

But let's not go into this negatively.

I'm sure she's going to be a wonderful guest.

Yes, yes.

This is the off-menu menu of

Karis Matthews.

Welcome, Karis, to the Dream Restaurant.

I'm so happy to be here.

I'm starving.

I hope you've got some food for me.

Oh, now.

Welcome, Karis Matthews to the Dream Restaurant.

We've got so much food for you.

Something to flag at the top, Karis, is James is a genie waiter in this.

Yeah.

So he's a genie and he'll be bringing you all your dream food.

Is that why he's wearing silk pants?

Yes, correctamundo.

Hot.

It's hot enough

in this kitchen.

I didn't know I'd be pushing some buttons today

in my silk pantaloons.

What's the saying?

If it's too hot, get out of the kitchen.

Yeah, yeah.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

That's the one, yeah.

That's what it's called.

Proof is hot.

Yeah, yeah.

If you can't stand the heat, change the material of your pantaloons.

Yeah, yeah.

And these pantaloons are highly flammable silk pantaloons.

It's the elasticated waist, I like.

It is, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's very good.

Something very specifically with braces to hold them up as well, which is very, very odd look for them.

Not anyone doing that to the schoolboy thing.

You might DK me.

No.

I used to work in a kitchen where that happened a lot, actually.

I used to work in kitchens before the stand-up.

And one kitchen, people would pull each other's trousers down all the time.

Because it is, it's rock and roll.

Yes.

You know, people think rock and rollers are the rock and rollers, but they're not.

It's the kitchen, what goes on in the kitchen, as per Anthony Bourdain's book.

Right, yeah, that's the ninth April, the night rock and roll.

It's an incredible book, that.

Absolutely amazing.

Yeah.

Rest in peace, Anthony.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I mean, a lot of cocaine flying around in kitchens by the sounds of it.

Is that in the cookbook?

Is it a cookbook?

No, no, it's not.

That's not a recipe.

It's not in my books.

No, I know, no.

Because you've got a cookbook.

I've got flour in my book, guys.

Yeah, that's a good one.

And soda.

Sodium bicarbonate.

Give me some white powder.

It's called Where the Wild Cooks Go.

So

that implies a little bit about nature.

And a little bit about it not being she-she kind of cooking.

I'm not a pristine cook.

I can't bear

having to be completely exact.

So, most of these recipes, in fact, probably all of them, you know, if you make mistakes, it doesn't matter.

Or if you haven't got one ingredient, it kind of you can kind of improvise.

That's that's the way I like it.

Sure, that's a much more realistic way of going about things, isn't it?

Because we always forget stuff,

realistically, like, you know, who's in the mood to go shopping at the end of a day's work?

Yeah, do you know what I mean?

Oh, gosh, you know, got to get the sort of unpasteurized milk, you know,

from the farmer's market.

You know, it's kind of

who, in all reality, does that?

Yes.

If you're working as well.

So it has to be pretty practical.

So if you don't have cocaine, you can you can use sodium by car

and have a brilliant day next day.

Yeah, exactly.

Fantastic.

No paranoia.

And uh how long have you'cause like um ha have you always like has been into cooking something your whole life or has it been quite a recent thing, a recent passion?

Oh no no totally.

My mum mum was a rubbish cook.

She she she only ate chicken and chips.

And then when we'd we'd come home, like I grew up in the 70s and the 80s, and we'd come home from school and we'd be like starving.

And she'd be like,

well, your

crispy fried finuses are in the freezer waiting for you.

Because in the 80s,

I don't know if you were around in the 80s, but it was like everyone seemed to have like a, this is what she did.

So she got this deep fryer.

Yeah.

Those deep frying pots.

And so it was either like chips or deep fried fin dus.

Or just stick it all in the pot.

Or like cods row.

Do you know like tins of cods row?

Oh really?

Deep fry and then eat with lime pickle.

But anyway, that sounds quite nice.

Right like tins of cods row.

Yeah.

I mean you'd fry them in the fryer.

I don't know if that's normal.

But anyway, in short, she wasn't a good cook.

And then my dad got a taste for curry, hence the lime pickle everywhere.

And so he kind of made my mum,

you know, get get rid of the vest, the curries, and try and she got friendly with a lady from the Gujarat, from Gujarat, so she started cooking and that was it.

It was amazing.

So we had curry all the time.

Dars and rotis and puris and okra and that was it.

And she was good at cooking the curry.

She's bloody good at cooking the curry.

Wow, so it was like a revelation.

It was like a food revolution.

It was a complete sort of change of like Superman from Ken Clark.

Is that the right word?

It really was.

Clark Kent.

Yeah, Ken Clark, I think you meant shoes, wasn't it?

Kent Clark was when they found out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When they found out Clark Kent was Superman, he had to change his identity again very quickly.

Yeah, changed it to Kent Clark.

Evan fell for it.

Yeah, we did.

Of course they did.

So we always start off with the choice of still or sparkling water.

Sparkling.

Oh, so quite a bit.

Party, party.

No, seriously, because otherwise it's just water.

Sure.

It's quite boring and dull, but when you have a few bubbles in it, it tickles your mouth.

The little tickle of of the mouth, little party.

So it's all, I mean, you know, we've already talked about the party in Bourdain's book, and now already the first thing

is a party for you.

It's a slightly more acceptable legal party.

Yeah.

Well, no, the thing is, you were asking about cooking and stuff.

I think one of my favourite, you know, the best thing that you can do in life is have great company, make sure you, you know, surround yourself with, you know, people you like.

That's the one.

Great food, you know, a drink that you like, and music, and a fire, and you cook.

Uh-huh.

Now, are you cooking on the fire?

Yeah,

right.

There's a lot of stuff.

That's the first time in the dream restaurant we've allowed anyone to have an open fire.

So I've got to get, yeah, I can't get an open fire going.

That's

fine.

I love fires.

I love them.

So, where are we then?

If you've got a fire, is this inside, outside?

Okay, so my usual setup these days is Kotlich.

So it's Balkan area.

I think Hungary is where it's from.

But I could be wrong, so I'd have to fact check after, but definitely the Balkans.

There's a system, a tripod,

where you hang an

enamelled sort of rounded cauldron on a chain.

Oh, wow.

And

there's a picture of this on the front of the book.

Yeah.

As well.

A little sketch of that.

Exactly.

The beauty of this is that if you're cutting down meat.

on meat and you don't want to have an all-out you know burger sausage blowout yeah you can you know it absolutely opens your options to cook anything you want not you don't have to just use a grill, but you can also get grill attachments, and you can get like a paia attachment.

So

it's superb.

It sort of looks like a

witch.

It's a sketch is a witch's thing, right?

Yeah.

Somebody should be cooking a child.

The word witch apparently comes from Old English, meaning wise woman.

And I like that idea.

Because that's the other thing about cooking.

I don't associate it with being like, you know, shackled to the kitchen on another job.

because I can just, if I don't want to cook, I can, you know, do what,

you know, we have options to go out and buy ready-made and we can get takeaways and all the rest of it.

But I find like I feel empowered if I know how to make these things.

So I don't have to go out and buy takeaways or have to buy ready-made because I know the answers.

So there's loads of keys in this book, how to make faita how to make your spice mixes.

So you don't have to go out to the shop all the time because you've got the whole spices and you just know what makes garam masala or what makes faita mix and all the rest of it.

Because I think it's empowering.

And I want my kids to be able to, you know, put two fingers up at ready-made foods if they want.

Yeah, yeah.

And when they save money as well.

When did you get into the cauldron?

Oh, I've always loved fires.

Right, okay.

Okay.

Go on.

Always loved fires.

When was your relationship with fires?

You know,

always.

Like, when I was a kid, it was, I'd always, like, you know, nudge people out of the way and I'd be in charge of the barbecue.

Right.

You know, because, like I said, my mum didn't cook very well.

Um, so yeah, and I loved fires.

My dad actually loves fires as well.

Um, my dad's always in charge of the barbecue, but it's definitely a way, so he doesn't have to speak to anyone.

Yeah, well, that's that's another thing I love about cooking, actually, and fires, you know, whichever way you're cooking them, it's all about fire and heat anyway.

Is you're in a zone, yeah, so you're in that zone, you're in like there's room for one captain of this ship, you're in the kitchen, you know, you look as if you're busy, so you don't get into trouble.

Yeah,

you've got your music that you'll love on, and you have got a bottle open of wine, and you're in the zone.

Oh, it's that's I completely associate with that, it's perfect.

Mess around you, you know, if somebody asks you for something, you go, Oh, can you ask your dad to help you?

That kind of thing.

And you can go and host, you can go back and be like, Is everyone all right?

How's everything going?

But then you can always go, sorry, I've just got to go and get something out of the oven.

Yeah, oh, gotta check the cold.

And then just go and have a moment to yourself.

It's perfect.

I'm glad you did.

That's exactly what it is.

I did it on my birthday once, so so I DJed my own birthday party.

So you didn't have to talk.

Yeah, that's really sad.

Yeah, that was quite sad, actually.

Oh, now you bring it up.

I thought I was getting involved.

I thought we were all related to each other.

Especially when you were playing Spandal Bally.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose that.

No, it's a similar situation.

You were sort of barbecuing the beats.

Yeah, I was barbecuing the beats.

And, you know, people could come over and chat to me a little bit.

I was like, I've got to play the next song, guys.

I'm sorry.

You know, it's good.

I love it.

Low pressure.

Yeah.

Pop it up to our bread.

Pop it ups on bread.

darling.

Spicy ones.

Of course, I big bread.

I like thin breads because then it doesn't make you.

Yeah, that's often the issue at the beginning of the meal.

If they bring a big hunker-hunker bread.

Yeah.

And you know, it's not good for you anyway.

All this sort of refined carbohydrates.

They know that now.

So, what do they say?

The more...

The more white bread, the sooner you're dead.

Have you heard of that?

No.

But

I'm going to start using it, but I'm going to use it when I eat white bread.

I don't know where I got it from.

My mum, probably.

But anyway, no, thin bread, then you can really enjoy it without worrying about it.

Like in Sardinia, where they have those massive, massive

pieces of bread that are crispy.

Like the Italian kind of breadsticky things, but

the delicious in Sardinia.

Do they call it like it's something it's like music paper, I think it translates as.

Really?

Yeah, I think it's translated,

yeah.

Music paper.

I love it.

Yeah, because it's very, very thin and they sell them in like piles, so it's like

I got it.

Sardinian music bread is a traditional Italian flatbread whose name originates from its resemblance to ancient parchment

on which the island's sacred music was written.

Thank you, Maria.

See, that would have gone in there had I known it.

My favourite fact that I've got

the next edition is:

did you know what Luxembourgish name for turkey is?

No,

schnudelhung.

Schnudelhung.

Do you know what it means?

Oh, uh, no?

Snot hen.

Every time you

look at a turkey, you'll know it's a schnoodlehung.

I have a feeling that they named that before they decided they were going to eat it.

Eat it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love names and things like that, though.

Funny old curiosities.

Yeah.

So definitely pop-a-doms.

Definitely poppa doms.

Are these from anywhere in particular?

These pop-doms?

Is there like the best pop-doms you've ever had?

Did your mum make good ones?

No, no, we never made pop-a dumbs.

um i just like madras ones personally you know yeah from my local takeaway or um restaurant yeah everyone's local one is like the one is the one that they tend to like have a fondness for a lot of time if you visit people in their hometown they're like we've got to go to this curry house it will blow your mind and then and you go

it's kind of only slightly not as good as the one that's pretty standard like yeah it's like yeah with curry houses it tends to be rather than they've someone's gone and and tried loads of curry houses and they found the best one, it's proximity that matters.

Because you can't walk home very easily after two

masalas, 20 popadoms.

Yeah, it's got to be it's got to be a short roll home.

Lager pints of honey.

That's the best thing about your

childhood is that you didn't have to walk home after doing

curry every single night.

Yeah, pretty much.

Does that mean you go really hot with curries now then?

I carry chilies with me.

You carry chilies with you?

Yeah.

Oh, well,

that's going into her bag.

Yeah,

it's a bit dried up, but I think it's a little bit more.

Oh,

loose chilies,

not nine separate little bags, just loose chilies

with your keys and your...

Yeah, but that's if I'm desperate, though, but I usually carry dried flakes with me as well.

It's a bit more hygienic.

Loose awesome?

No in a bag.

I wasn't prepared.

A bunch of flakes of water.

So those loose chilies, what would you do with those?

So if...

So you're eating something in a restaurant and it's not spicy enough, you just throw the whole chili in or do you carry a little knife and chopping board?

Well, usually at a restaurant, they give you a knife and fork, so I'll cut it.

Very good, very good point, Keris.

Sorry, I'm not an expert.

But no, it all started when, you know, because obviously I was a musician, so we toured a lot.

And,

you know, when you're eating outside of the normal, because you're hours or so irregular, if you're eating outside of the normal hours, you can quite often end up just having like sandwiches, and I can't stand sandwiches.

You get kind of, it's like cold, wet, damp.

You know, really, another cheese sandwich?

Yeah.

kaiser, once, whatever it was in Germany.

Yeah, there's no there's no joy, there's no joy in that.

I've got like that recently, just I'm done with sandwiches now.

Yeah, first of all, problem, I know, hands up.

You can tell me that's a good thing.

I'll see if I food people try and keep from you for

the podcast.

Yeah, wraps are the next to go, aren't they?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But having said all of that, if that's the only thing you've got to eat, then if you've got a fresh chili or any Tabasco or hot sauce that you like, you know, to put it on, it makes it a bit more of a.

Like the sparkles in the water.

It's a bit more of a

bit more of a party.

I used to carry Tabasco around, but it used to spill because the top gets kind of loose.

Have you noticed that?

I don't recommend carrying Tabasco around.

You're regularly spilling Tabasco around.

Yeah, it's not a good smell of vinegar.

Yeah.

But, you know, because we used to travel a lot as well on planes and plane food was kind of miserable.

So, yeah, you feel like you've got, you know, you've hit the jackpot when you're sat on the plane and you've got your whole bag of fresh chilies that you could have.

It's okay.

You might not be enjoying this but i'm eating like a king yeah yeah

and were the rest of the the band uh were they all like into food and stuff as well or were they eating all the rubbish stuff and you were the one with the chilies having a good time yeah that was it yeah yeah

i went through a phase of uh i uh found out you could get by sriracha little bottles of sriracha with keychain like a keychain thing on yeah so you could put a bottle of sriracha on your keys but people give you weird looks when you're getting everything out and you've got a bottle of sriracha on your keys yeah and i used to run out really quickly, so I just end up with an empty bottle.

What would it be?

What part of the bottle was connected to the keychain?

There was like a so it's like a little

an attachment thing and it like it would go through the bottle at the end and then the nozzle would be on the other end.

Yes.

So it wouldn't be the nozzle

attached to the lid because then that's coming off right.

So then that's coming off right away, right?

Yeah.

So you're you're

they thought it through.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

They're not.

They're not dummies at Suratra?

Yeah.

But then when you're putting the Sriracha on the food, you're you're jangling around, surely.

You're jingling and jangling with your keys.

Oh, sure.

That's why they were looking at you.

Yeah, that's why

I was like,

slightly.

Yeah, shut up.

So we come to your starter, the first of the

headliners.

Are they all headliners?

They're all headliners.

Puddings are headlines.

I'm gonna go for

like I lived in Nashville and South Carolina

for a total of six years.

And so I've picked up a lot of love for

soul food in the south

like okra and well at the time I was eating meat fried chicken and there was like catfish sandwiches.

Oh yeah.

So they were breaded catfish fillets,

sweet onions, sliced Tabasco and yellow mustard and cheap white bread.

So

you have to yeah and it crunched when you ate it

like that.

But I d I don't anyway that's but I'm not having the fish for starter.

I love catfish sandwiches.

I went to New Orleans for like a holiday and I found a place to do such amazing catfish sandwiches.

And I've been thinking about it.

You know, sometimes,

if anyone else has this, there are foods that you hear about and before you've tasted them you can't stop thinking about them for like until you eventually like I'd never had catfish before.

But as soon as I heard, I think I saw on an episode of Man vs.

Food, he did a deep-fried catfish eating challenge.

Oh.

And he ate like about 50 deep-fried catfish or something like that.

He's putting them them away but I was there going those look so delicious I'd like one of those I would love one of them in a sandwich please and also it's the softness of the bread and then the crunch in the middle

the double crunch of the the fried crust of the fish and the sweet white onion

yeah

it's that that gets you I've had uh yeah I've I've had catfish in Nashville at a terrible chain restaurant but even they nailed it like I think I had blackened catfish so rather than it being breaded it had all the like spices on it and stuff it was absolutely phenomenal I've caught a catfish with my hands as well.

No, he lied sometimes on that show.

It's not a lie, it's on a TV show.

Tickle it.

It was in like a

little trap thing.

It was dead.

I caught it with my, it was on a plate.

It was blackened catfish, I believe.

It would have been dead for two weeks.

No, because you need to hook your hand into its mouth and

pull it out of the trap.

We put it back and stuff, but they're terrifying looking things.

They're ugly.

Yeah, really.

Sorry,

yeah, sorry, catfish, but you are.

are you're real ugly bottom dwellers as well and you can almost taste the sort of um silt and soil in the in the in the catfish that's put me off ever eating it again karis thank you

with your bare hands like a liar would

i did it's on film i just saw the episode where he does it yeah it's true yeah he does do it so that's not your starter though no i'm gonna go for

because i just love the id love the idea that you know you cure um fried green tomatoes which is very southern but but you don't have to because you know if if you don't grow your own tomatoes you don't usually buy green tomatoes do you so if you've got red tomatoes you can still deep fry them or not deep sorry you can still fry them yeah and and again it's the crunch and then the nice sort of refreshing juicy tomato in the middle that I love and it's super easy so you need tomatoes flour salt and pepper beaten egg and cornmeal lovely see this is great so because because these recipes are coming from your book, which we've actually got here, normally people just go, I want to go to this restaurant and we don't know anything about what goes into the dish, how it comes together.

This is the first time we've got to do it.

Because your book is your favorite meals anyway, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been collecting them all my life.

So, when we toured with the band, or when I was solo, when I was just travelling, anyway, I collected music, but I also collected the favourite ideas and foods and cocktails and poetry.

So, I and curiosities, like we were talking about.

So, I've tried to put them all in there.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

So this is one of them.

So you don't have to do fried green tomatoes.

They're equally as good if you make fried red tomatoes.

I've got a question.

When you fry the tomato, how hot does the middle get?

Because whenever there's a tomato in like even a toasted sandwich,

it's dangerous.

Yes.

You bite into it and the tomato will just

shoot out at you.

Well, I can't be health and safety officer like you.

I like fires, so you just have to

take that risk yourself.

Little larvae.

If you can't stand the heat.

but normally they're sliced up hadn't they for five

yeah you'll be okay with this one i bet oh that would be hilarious i have had a deep-fried avocado it's kind of a tech-smax idea that was in a restaurant in in nashville it's rather nice but we sat there and it was the walls were alive with mice so we ceased to go there mice yeah they should live with mice yeah no literally running up and down like streams of water oh no what the f

so but you sat down and still had a full meal well we were regulars we were regulars there we didn't you know we we we we'd go really very often'cause the margaritas were good as well.

Um yeah,'cause there was a little mouse making them.

It was like rattatooing.

Um so you used to go you used to regularly go to a restaurant that had mice running up and down the wall?

No, no, we'd been regulars for a while until there was this outbreak of mice.

Oh, okay, and then there was the outbreak of the mice.

And then we we ceased to go.

And then you had to stop going.

And then it shut down.

Fair enough.

Poor restaurant.

Would you say there's a distinctive a difference between green and red tomatoes?

Because I know you can can do the first pee with either one of them, but like, is there a difference when you're eating them?

The green ones would be slightly less sweet and slightly more sour and slightly more firm.

Yeah, because green versus red is always a very difficult

debate with any kind of food.

My one, what I think about.

Just to let you know, James regularly tells a very boring anecdote about green curry versus red curry, and he tries to get it into any episode we do because he knows that the green curry.

I'm already kind of like

green or red chillies, of course.

Do you prefer Thai green curry or red green?

It's a bit racist, isn't it?

It's a bit racist.

Tell me, curry or Thai, red curry.

It's not racist.

It is to the curries.

It is actually.

Think about that.

We've already offended the catfish with maze.

I don't even see colour.

I'll just have a Thai curry.

It's all about the taste, isn't it?

I like the green ones better.

I like the curry ones.

But that's your personal choice.

Yes.

We don't need to debate that.

No, no.

Come here, but much have been shut down on this.

Oh, I'm so sorry,

Yeah, yeah.

I was trying to crowbar my boring story in the Benito case.

Did you have a new one?

Did you have a new one that you were going to break up?

A new story.

We'll see.

Stick on classics.

You know, I did the DJ My Own Party.

I mentioned that earlier.

That was good, though.

I thought that was perfect for what we were talking about.

That was really well.

It was good.

But you were really crowbarring the green and red thing in there because we were talking about green tomatoes, red tomatoes.

Yeah.

I could sense it was an old one that you were trying to crowbar in.

I've never never met anyone before.

Well, yeah, but yeah.

This cold came into the room.

Yeah.

I don't know what's going on.

I saw a mouse run up the wall.

I know that's a new story for me because you know you just heard about the mice calling at the wall.

What would you have the tomatoes with?

Would there be like a little sauce with them or a dip or anything or just as they come?

Like crusty bits of salt on them.

Just as they come, actually.

That's the way I would eat them.

I mean you could make your own coleslaw.

Oh yeah.

'Cause

the way I like to eat is like having lots of bits and pieces on the on the table.

So it would be um

coleslaw, fried green or red tomatoes.

You know, you might have some grits and poached eggs or prawns.

You know, just a bit of a mixture of stuff like that.

Just picky picky bits.

Yeah.

Picky bits.

Maybe a mint julep, you know, to get into the vibe of the south.

Yeah, so whiskey and lime and sugar.

Lovely.

And this coleslaw, how are you making coleslaw?

Are you using a mayo or is it like a vinegar-based salad?

Oh, never mayo, no.

Because in the south, it would go rancid quickly.

So you just reg you just use kind of a regular salad dressing with vinegar, um, a little bit of honey if you want, and oil and salt and pepper, mustard if you want.

I think we can put that on your starter, can't we?

Oh, yeah, I think that sounds like a delicious combo.

Yeah,

dip your feet into the south.

Yeah,

when did you live in the south?

Like, was it after the band?

Yes, I, um, left the band

late nineties, early two thousands and I went off to do road trips around the south, like looking for the graves of people like Robert Johnson and

um, I don't know, I love I love um Miss Subjohn Hurt and Lion Willie MacTell, people like that.

So if you you know, and then you you're driving around the south and then you'll go over Tallahatchie Bridge and you're like, Oh my god You know, there are all these song references everywhere and um yeah, so it was great.

And there's a place called Itabina, a place called Holly Springs, and all these places so you can try out new things that are new to you anyway.

And drink lots of sweet tea.

And they mean sweet, don't they?

Oh, too sweet for me.

Yeah.

And some people are, oh, it's fine, it's healthy, it's half and half.

So you've got like half a tonne of sugar and half a ton of sweetness.

And there's the other one that, because a lot of these places, like, did you know that the county which makes Jack Daniels is called Lynchburg?

Yes.

And it's a dry county, and it can never be made other than anything other than being a dry county because the the pop population isn't big enough to undo the vote or something like that.

But it's quite fascinating.

You can go around and see how Jack Daniels is made.

But you can just lift the top of the vat up a little bit to sniff, but you can never taste it.

Oh, wow.

Oh, so yeah,

it's illegal to drink it there.

Yeah.

So they have, but they can make it and then ship it out.

Yeah, exactly.

So you have to go like across the county line.

Which there's a lot of that in America.

Well, it certainly is in the South because they've got different alcohol drinking rules in the county.

So, for instance, when I was living in South Carolina, if I wanted to drink on a Sunday, I'd have to hop over the border into North Carolina and maybe get me into a Mexican restaurant who were allowed to sell you beer with food.

And all of the different counties have different rules.

Like, you can buy beer in some garages, but you can't buy liquor in most supermarkets.

Right.

You have to go to a liquor shop, which you'll find with a red dot.

And then you can get spirits, liquor, and wine there.

But you can buy wine from a supermarket, so you have to work out your system.

You really seem like you know all the rules as well.

Well, I like food, and I like a little bit of wine with my food.

You know, I mean, it's all the grand tapestry of the wonderful things that we are privy to in this one life that we have on earth.

You know, music, and food, and drink, and dance, and company, and fire.

Voices of the fire.

And history, and curiosities, you know, all of these things that make life interesting, you know.

I used to like fire when I was a kid, but I set fire to the toilet roll once while it was still on the wall.

How did you do that?

It's still on the wall.

It was on

your butt.

It was on the, like, as in, it was like hanging on the wall

on the little toilet roll thing.

And I found some matches and I set fire to the toilet roll.

And it went up too quickly because of all the air in between all the slices.

Oh, yeah, yeah, all the slices.

Yeah, it went off.

What did you do?

I got told off.

Did you just go and help?

I burnt the wall, yeah.

I had to get my mum to come and help.

Who told you off, your mum?

Yeah, my mum told me off.

Oh, better than than your dad telling you off, because I imagine your dad telling you off is pretty.

He'd be really angry.

Ed's dad is very strict.

Scary.

Well, not strict.

And he's not scary anymore, but you know,

things change as you get older, right?

Now I think he's rather silly.

Yeah, you think he's silly now, sure.

I think he's got sillier in his old age, anyway.

But no, I wouldn't set fire to his toilet roll.

I saw a very eminent member of the rugby team, Welsh rugby team,

in a hotel.

They'd won the Grand Slam and they were celebrating in the hotel.

And one of them came out of the toilet.

He'd wrapped himself up in toilet paper and he came out and said, I'm a mummy.

I am.

I'm a mummy.

And the other member of the team said to me, he thinks he's funny.

And then got a lighter and set him lights.

He said, that's funny.

No rugby players were hurt in this story.

Apart from that one.

Apart from that one,

no, no, no, no.

don't try this at home, but it was, it's never, I've never forgotten that.

I love a Welsh mummy saying, I'm a mummy, I am.

Absolutely love it.

I just never forget some things you never forget.

I just love that he's won probably the biggest title of his entire career.

It's the high point of his rugby career.

He goes, I'm going to dress as a mummy.

There's a lot of toilet paper as well.

The big lads.

To do that for ages, they come out and announce that he's a mummy as well.

It was very funny.

The size of rugby players, you're going to have to start a new role halfway through.

I love that you were there as well.

They should put that as an advert instead of the Andrex dog.

Was it just like every prominent Welsh figure was at that celebration?

Yeah,

I wouldn't say everyone, but if we just happened to be all staying in the same hotel, because we'd stay there, it wasn't, yeah.

It wasn't a secret Welsh colour.

It wasn't all of Wales in one hotel, no?

No.

No.

Started getting excited there.

Ellis James wasn't invited.

Ellis James would not have been invited.

Do you know Ellis James?

No.

No.

Bad Luck Ellis.

Bad Luck Ellis.

We're going to just isolate that and send it to him.

He's a Welsh comedian.

He does Welsh language comedy and stuff like that.

Yeah, I've heard of him.

Oh, yeah?

Now you have.

Yeah, but I said, I don't know him.

Do you know him?

No, I don't know him.

Oh, okay.

Your main course.

That's a delicious.

Also, a very nice, like, light, refreshing kind of starter.

Yeah.

Also feels like a treat as well.

Feels like a little treat.

So

ramping up to the main course.

All right.

Well, I'm going to go.

I think I'm going to go Mexican.

Lovely.

Oh, no, I might not do that actually because you'll think I'm an alcoholic.

Was it just going to be a bottle of tequila?

Yeah.

It had tequila in it.

That's great.

I'm going to do it.

What the hell?

I'm going to do it.

It's tequila prawns.

Oh, yes.

Tequila Mockingbird.

So basically, super easy, but it looks really, really effective in the kitchen because you sort of basically chop some garlic

and you can put some onion if you want, but I don't.

But some garlic, oil, you get your prawns, frozen fresh, whatever you want to use.

And then chilies.

If you've got chipotle flakes, put them in as well.

From your bags?

Yeah.

Start cooking that until it's all heated up and the prawns are cooked and it's hot.

And then you put in three tablespoons of tequila or mezcal and then you set it alight and it sizzles and it goes

and it looks like you really know what you're doing um and uh and then salt and pepper and fresh coriander parsley or mint on top and a little squeeze of lime if you fancy and that's it oh great that sounds that sounds delicious but it looks and smells it's a whole sort of experience yeah like a proper like bit of showmanship yeah yeah

that seems to be pretty quick as well like how how long does that take nothing no time at all i like most because that's that's the thing you know i work as well i love working and I don't want to come home and, you know, be starving and

have the sort of pressure of trying to cook because that wouldn't be kind of that interesting.

So it has to be quick.

So a lot of these recipes are like super quick.

I don't think I'd trust myself to do the fire thing after the toilet roll incident.

I sort of like it.

No, you'll be alright.

You'd be alright.

Just keep a fire extinguishing in the shallow kitchen.

You're fine.

Or a bucket of water and some sand.

I'm trusting.

I do the Christmas pudding.

I like the Christmas pudding.

But I always use too much brandy, so we have to wait for like five minutes while it burns out.

Yeah.

And then watch, it doesn't burn your mouth.

And then, yeah, and then try and eat it with the fire, still going.

Within the first, I think, month of me moving out of my parents' house and living with flatmates,

I left a pot on.

I can't remember what happened.

I can't remember how it happened, but I remember coming back into the kitchen and it was aflame

and it was all like fire.

And I didn't know what to do.

And and I was so scared of everything catching fire so I opened we were we were on like a third floor flat I opened the window and I just put the pan out on the window ledge and then shut the window again

I thought you were going to say you threw the no I didn't throw it out there was this big window ledge like quite a big slope so I just put it out on there and then I shut the window to give myself some thinking time to be like what am I going to do I let it burn outside for a bit because I was like I don't want it to set fire to anything and did it did it work no I put it there and then I decided that I would probably like put

it in the damped coffee.

I think I tried, yeah, I put a damp coffin eventually.

I know that was not the first thing I did.

Are you living in flats at this point?

At this point, yeah.

It's in a flat.

It's super dangerous.

Yeah, oh,

I didn't know.

You didn't know what was going on.

I didn't put a pan out the window, but I'll put a pan out the window and then put it out on the ledge still on fire.

Little beacon.

But

what were you cooking?

I have no idea now.

I think as well, it was a dirty

pan

that I hadn't, so I think I hadn't even started even cooking anything in it yet.

I think I just put it on there to heat it up, and there was already like scummy old food and oil in there anyway from the last time.

And all the old stuff caught on fire.

I think that's what happened.

I'm better now.

Yeah, I'm not coming around to your house.

No.

But you like fire.

You love fire?

Yeah, when it's good with food, but not scummy old bits of food.

You'll be able to tell what crust.

It's like crispy oil and fat.

Yeah, you can't see my flat from a mile off.

Little welcoming bacon there.

Just some smoke signals to give some directions.

Yeah, I know that's good.

The prawns sound very...

Are these big prawns you're doing?

No, I don't like big prawns very much.

Don't like big prawns?

I was given a jumbo prawn and it was totally jumbo and I just like

it was totally jumbo?

It was totally jumbo.

It was too jumbo for it.

It was too much.

I mean yeah.

You know the Rastafaris don't don't eat prawns because they're sort of they they eat rubbish, don't they?

What's this?

In the Rastafari

religion they don't eat prawns because they eat rubbish.

You know, like again, we mentioned catfish being bottom dwellers.

It's that kind of thing.

Okay, because of what they eat, they won't eat the

I've often thought the whole poop line thing in a prawn should put them off.

Well, that's what I mean.

Imagine the jumbo-sized prawns with a jumbo-sized poop line.

Yeah, it'll put you off.

Yeah, it's like a washing line.

It's like an oil pipe, you know, it's like, no, don't want it on my plate.

So, yeah,

didn't bode well.

It's actually made me me very few prawns and make sure they're the little ones.

You can get tiny little brown prawns as well.

Yeah.

I'm very much enjoying how you two are very much on the same wavelength.

With poop lines.

Yeah, you're just completely vibing off of each other.

Yeah, yeah, I don't like poop lines either.

Well, it should put more people off, shouldn't it?

Yeah, sure.

Sometimes it'll roughly.

As if to scrape it off.

Yeah.

Or if you get it in the right bit at the end, you can...

That's quite satisfying to peel out the whole thing and

not break the poop line.

Yeah.

It's like skinning a rabbit as well isn't it?

Like when you skin a rabbit if you if you if you make a pierce the the intestine wall it can really

badly.

Yeah.

Have you skinned a rabbit before?

Yeah, well my dad did and it did that.

He did that

but um don't eat meat now though.

So no, not after that.

No,

not after he's

scared a rabbit's intestine.

So you don't eat you don't eat meat but you eat fish?

Well actually when I started writing this book I ate a bit of meat and a bit of fish but

more and more and more I'm I'm just not eating so much at all.

It's easier to not now I think.

So now this dish is just tequila.

Yeah.

Back to the same or there's a theme coming in this.

Tequila and fire.

It's just it just makes more sense and my my daughter's vegan and my husband's been a vegetarian since he was 18.

So basically in the in the book it you can either you know it gives you um options to cook it with any of those in mind so you can make it a totally vegan dish for for the most part not all of it, obviously, but you can make it vegan or you can make it you can add meat if you want to eat meat and all that kind of thing.

Great.

I've got vegan Welsh cakes in there, for instance.

Oh, nice.

Sure.

Lots of nice Welsh cakes.

They're actually really nice.

They're more like biscuits.

They're a bit crispier.

Yeah.

I do like Welsh.

I only ever have Welsh cakes, though, when I'm staying in a hotel in Wales and they leave Welsh cakes in the room for you.

It's quite predictable.

Yeah.

You know, you go out for a meal in Wales when it's a sort of an official affair and guaranteed you'll have lamb.

Yeah.

You know, you're like,

you know guys

shake it up a bit prawns tequila prawns

without the prawns no pipeline for me so i had my welsh cakes this week in my hotel room because they left them in your hotel

and uh i there was two of them i had one and my girlfriend I think the previous week had sent me a photo.

She was at home and she'd made herself enough cake mix for eight fairy cakes and then just ate the cake mix

and didn't do any bacon with it i'm i'm i'm with her on this absolutely cool right she said she loves cake mix and she said if she was on this program her dessert would probably be cake mix i love her already yeah because i like making welsh cakes and not cooking them either so it's just like um

yeah

it's like i had this particular welsh cake and i felt like it was overcooked

no i felt i felt like it turned into cake mix in my mouth right that makes sense So I felt like I was just eating cake mix after all.

That's good then.

Yeah, and I said to her, you'd love this because it's just like cake mix.

And she ate it and disagreed with me and said it was not like cake mix.

What were you doing,

but I was doing a gig.

I was doing a gig at the Millennium Centre.

Okay.

But

in between that, I was eating Welsh cakes and ordering Bloody Marys at the bar.

Also, there was a thing with the bar where there was two bars in this hotel and one bar.

One red, one green.

One red, one green.

Now tell me this, which is the best one.

But I had to.

There was one bar was just for this function that was a PTA meeting.

And one bar was for the guests.

And the PTA one was always full, and they ran out of beer as well.

So the PTA people were coming over to the guest bar trying to get guests to buy them boots.

And I was buying men more than twice my age,

like they were teenagers.

Why were you buying them beer?

Because they recognised me and they were like, come on, James, give me some beer.

And I was like, oh, otherwise I'm a wanker now.

They would go and go, James, Acas doesn't buy people beers.

I don't think that's what you had to do, man.

Well, I did it.

They gave me the money, and then I went and ordered them for them.

They played you like a fiddle.

Yeah, they really did.

Yeah, they gave you the money and they made you.

That's the most demeaning thing I've ever done.

So I had to show them my hotel room key because they wouldn't serve the guys.

They're like, We won't serve them, they don't live here.

Yeah, so I had to go over and get them for them.

They played you like a fool, mate.

No, it feels like it now.

Yeah.

What side dish are you going to go for with this

very nice, tasty mate?

Also, so far, pretty light.

The whole thing feels light and nicer.

Room for a substantial side dish if you want it, I'd say.

I'm going to do chickpea and potato curry.

Lovely.

Jamaican style.

So, in Jamaica, we go quite a lot to Jamaica.

My husband loves it there and signed quite a few artists because he's got a massive reggae collection.

And so, we go there a lot.

And basically, the seasoning, the that's a key of the curry is going to be fresh, they use fresh thyme, yeah, scotch bonnet, um, garlic, ginger, and

onion, and spring onion, and I think that's it, turmeric, cumin, coriander, pimento, cayenne, yeah, and uh, that's and some potatoes and chickpeas

and coconut milk.

Oh, coconut milk.

But those scotch bonnets, that's that smell.

Oh my gosh, and the pinch of jerk seasoning.

I'm getting really hungry.

That is the problem with this podcast.

We make people talk about their favourite foods, but we don't provide any snacks.

So afterwards, we all end up just eating.

He's starving.

His stomach's eating his arm.

Mine is already.

Also, whenever anyone mentions a Scotch bonnet,

I mean, he's already been mentioned on the podcast, but I always think of Ellis James.

Do you?

Yeah, because Ellis once made a risotto.

Yeah.

And he decided to put a Scotch bonnet in there.

But he scraped out all the seeds and put the seeds in the...

And he basically made quite a a it was quite mild, actually.

He said it was because he didn't, you know, there's no, he got rid of all the seeds and put them in the bin, and this could have chopped up.

He was quite underwhelmed by it.

Oh,

I thought you were going to say he touched his eyes or something.

No, but I've done this.

This is like I've done, I've, I've, I hate to say it, I've chopped a chili and then picked my nose,

and that is the worst thing you can do.

There's the rest of the night, I had, I snorted a whole pint of water

opposite Bourday.

So, as you're cooking, you're picking your nose, Yeah.

Oh, well, no, this was after, so I chopped.

He celebrates with a little nose pick after.

Yeah, okay.

You've got to relax somehow after you've cooked, right?

It's his food.

It's my happy place up there.

Yeah.

And then I touched the, because it's a sensitive area up there as well.

Yeah.

On fire.

It was absolutely awful.

Of course, people have done worse.

Yep.

Yes.

That's worse.

But we're not going down there.

No.

Fair enough.

Your episode, Karis.

I mean, I'm always ready to take it into seeing your conversation topics.

Ed's very blue.

Very blue, yeah.

You're not, are you, James?

No, I can't decide if I'm red or green.

Yes!

You've got to keep all of it in now, Bonito.

Fuck you.

So this cut how big's this is your side so here's what's I'm thinking, Karis, is that your manes actually sounds like a side and your side sounds like a main.

Isn't this a main, isn't it?

Isn't this my main?

Ah, so did you do your side for did so?

Oh, I see, yeah, no, but the thing is, I don't roll like that.

See, I don't like

my pet hate, actually, is having a plate of food mounded with food, and that's it.

I can't stand it because I like lots of food in the middle of the table that I can pick at and help myself to.

But somebody serves me like massives of food, like dollops it on my plate like that, like like with yeah, I don't like it.

So, of course, this situation is we're asking you for a main and a side, but we're we can mix it up.

We can just say that's what should we call them, though.

Just call them anything you want.

Pink, green, red.

Red.

Well, let's not go down that road again.

No, just.

I've still been in my story yet.

There's still been room for me to do the story.

If it becomes a organically, you said it was fine.

Yeah, but you could do what you want.

If you want to call the tequila prawn as a side and the chickpea curry the main, you can do that.

I feel like that.

If I was like to sit down, I'd want like a main's worth of chickpea curry.

Yeah.

And those lovely tequila prawns as a side.

Yeah, I'd like that.

That's what I would like.

Let's flip them then, yeah.

Yeah, flip them, okay.

We can always flip them, flip them.

I need you in the kitchen with me to

design the menu down.

You've got to put up with a lot of boring stories about these little things.

I love headphones, I've got occasional moments of clarity.

Well, I just waffle on

just for an hour and then suddenly, Kerris.

And was there something?

Is this from your childhood?

This chickpea curry.

Obviously, it's a mistake.

No, this is relatively new.

We went to Jamaica about last Christmas, last time, and

then came home.

And one of my neighbours is from Jamaica, and they cooked me a potato curry.

And I was like, oh, damn, this is good.

And so I have them to thank.

What's your favourite thing to do in Jamaica when you go there?

My favourite thing to do

are the sea is just ridiculous.

The turquoise seas.

And you can canoe around.

So if you're in one area and get get a canoe and you can canoe around to beaches where there's nobody else.

And there's some trees there that grow, and there's massive seeds, and you can just start wandering around thinking where these seeds came from, or you know, where they're going to float to, and things like that.

And drinking pina colada.

Yes.

Because it's made with fresh coconut and fresh pineapple.

And the rum, which was invented by the people that were working the plantations, the slaves invented rum, and the story is just amazing that, you know.

This is where it all began.

Oh, I love pina coladas.

I haven't really had them much since I did.

There's a TV show, I've probably stopped now, called Drunk History.

Yeah.

And it's this comedians getting drunk and then trying to retell a story from history.

And I did it, and I knew that they show what drinks you've had.

They kind of like do little rundowns of all the drinks you've had in order to get as drunk as you are.

And so I thought it'd be funny just to drink pina coladas and have as many as I could to kind of like so that it came up on the screen that I've had that many pina coladas.

And since then, I've not had a pina coladas.

No rum for you.

Because it totally does affect your brain so quickly, your memory.

It doesn't mind anyway.

Yeah.

How were your jokes and your historic jokes?

How many did you have to have when you started really losing the plot?

Well, I had to tell a story about how the

see, I can't even remember it now.

So it was like how Thomas Beckett became the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, is what I had to tell the story of.

And there was one phrase, which is like a real famous phrase, I think, where the king says, won't someone rid me of this interminable priest?

Yes.

And I could not for the life of me remember.

And they kept on prompting me and being like, And what did this say?

And I was like, He said, Duh, suck it, this guy can suck it.

And they were like, No, you're gonna do that.

And I was there for a very long time.

I've said a bunch of stuff that he didn't say, and I could not remember it at all.

We were there for eight, and also, I hadn't really eaten much, and I kept on eating Go for a Wii because I drank so much.

And they were like, Please, just James, it's a couple more.

I was like, No, no, no, I'm going to pay someone.

Well, that's what they do.

I've done drug history as well.

Where'd you access this on YouTube?

I think mine's on YouTube.

It's a Comedy Central.

I don't know if mine's on YouTube.

So I think I had 12 double gin and tonics and seven double vodka red balls.

Like, I had a lot.

Holy.

But I was just free-pouring.

So

I don't remember the second half of it.

But I remember the director does that.

They go like, we just really need to get this last bit.

It's like, you're the one who's told me to get drunk.

Yeah, yeah.

You can't be surprised.

You can't be surprised.

Ed phoned me.

I was in, so that New Orleans holiday that I said about, when I was in the airport about to come home, I got a phone call from Ed.

And I thought, I'm going to ignore that because I'm in America.

It'll cost him loads of money.

And then he phoned again.

And then again, I was like, well, it might be an emergency.

So I answered it.

And it was just Ed had basically just done drunk history and was just giggling down the phone at me.

I'd be like, hello?

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

And then it became a tradition where I did another.

I was doing another thing and my phone ranked Sarah Pasco.

I thought, oh, Pasco doesn't normally ring me.

Just laughing down the phone.

I was like,

are you doing drunk history?

It's like, yes.

oh my god, Ben told me I have to ring you.

It just became a thing that would, uh, comics would go and it get drunk, and they'd have to ring me every time.

I'd have to be like talking through, yep, no, you're doing very well.

I can't believe you have pina coladas, though, because I see that's quite a sickly drink.

You can't have more than two.

Was it your theory that it was more sustaining, though?

It was a bit more food, didn't it?

My theory was that it'd be funny.

I just thought it'll be funny when it comes up on the screen that I drank that many pina colas, because everyone else is like beers or gin and tongues or like pretty standard what you drink going out.

And mine was just like, yeah, James has had 12 pina coladas.

And then when I got home, I remember getting home and

ringing my girlfriend at the time and talking to her.

He was being like, oh, so how about some of it fun?

And then I forgot I put the washing machine on a timer and the washing machine went off.

I was like, the house is haunted.

I was merely convinced.

I was like, there's a ghost in the house.

I swear to God.

I swear I'm not fucking around.

I wasn't anywhere near the washing machine and it just started by itself.

I was doing a whole wash by itself.

I didn't even fucking load it.

And there's all the clothes in there.

There's washing.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I was really scared about the haunted washing machine.

And tonight, after this, in the evening, I'm doing a podcast, different podcast.

I'm a guest on it.

And the whole point of that is you get drunk.

I don't want you to think that.

So you were worried that we would think you're an alcoholic because you had tequila in the corns dish.

I'm literally telling you that most of my work is binge drinking really.

that fixes very neatly into what your uh drink would be in your dream meal.

Well, we're we're just like jumping from um country to country, yeah.

So we've been to South America, South Mexico, the turquoise waters of Jamaica.

We're gonna now go to um Ireland.

Oh, because within within the fifteen countries, because it you know, when you're cooking at home or when you want to eat at home, how do you how do you go about choosing what you're gonna eat?

Yeah, because not for cooking, but for eating.

So, you go to say, shall I go to the Mexican?

Shall I go to the Chinese?

Shall I go get pizza, Italian?

You know, that's how I think anyway.

So, it made sense to do that, the cookbook that way as well.

So, if you fancy Chinese, you can go into the China chapter if you fancy Mexican, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, so

that also includes British food.

But I thought it'd be interesting to do it in

the four nations.

So you've got Irish food, Scottish food, Welsh food, and English food as well.

Which is really cool because you've got Yorkshire puddings in England.

Yes.

And I love Yorkshire puddings.

And that you can make pancakes.

I've got to make a link on this podcast.

I hate Yorkshire puddings.

I love them.

Oh, well, that's when I would think in comments that we're not vibing off each other anymore.

Bad luck.

Yeah.

All good things must come to an end.

Yeah, cut.

Cut the what's the name of that?

The umbilical cord.

The umbilical cord.

I didn't realise we were attached by an umbilical cord up until this point.

That was a revelation to me.

Yeah, yeah, you're a little baby.

I'm a grown boy.

That's why I did my chickpea and potato curry.

No, I think they're like pancake.

They're like big pancakes.

Idiots.

Just call them an idiot.

It's okay.

You can be as weird as you like when he says this kind of stuff.

It's ignorant.

Yeah, I like York's puddings.

Yeah, they're amazing.

Bland.

Not a single guest has agreed with you so far.

Well, I'm going to go.

Anyways, we're not going to make Yorkshire.

We're going to make a drink.

So we're going to go to Ireland.

This

is an absolute like what I love the best about cooking is that you can have relatively small amounts of ingredients.

This one particular is just three.

But when you put them together, it's more than the sum of its parts.

So, your three ingredients are tiaria,

vodka,

and half pint of Guinness.

Oh, go, yes, right?

I'm not being funny, but when you get yourself a half pint, you pour in your shot of tiaria, you pour in your shot of of vodka, and you fill it up with your Guinness, ideally from the draft.

Yes.

Or with a widget, if you, you know.

We can have draft.

It's the dream restaurant.

It's the draft.

If you set up

chocolate.

Pure chocolate.

And it's called Death by Chocolate.

Oh, lovely.

Very nice.

I like a sweet boozy cocktail.

Yeah, Pina Cladaman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So like, yeah, something that just tastes perfectly like chocolate, but it's actually three types of booze pretty great.

Yeah, and it um tell you who gave me that recipe was Ian Brown from the Stone Roses.

Did he now?

Yeah.

And it it's best best gift you can give somebody is a gift of ideas like that.

Yeah.

That stay with you all your life.

And if you don't like Christmas shopping, that's you go into an old pub and you have a half a pint of that stuff or even two and then you then you lose it.

Then you lose all the history.

Um no, um and then it makes Christmas shopping of bearable because you just don't care.

It's a bit of this warm, fuzzy feeling.

Everyone's asking why they've been giving Guinness for Christmas.

Yeah.

No, try it, honestly.

Try it at home because I absolutely love Guinness, I'm totally honest.

It's so chocolatey.

What other musicians have given you recipes?

Well, I've had chefs that Yasmin Khan, I love Yasmin Khan's book, Saffron Tales.

She's given me a book of poetry.

Does that count?

No, it's poetry.

I suppose a poem.

Both elements are the opposite of what I asked.

See, I was being more generous.

I think a poem is a recipe of words.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

I love that.

I love that.

Oh, the umbilical chords.

Receiving itself again, I can see.

Refused.

Yorkshire Pudgate is over.

Tom Jones gives me cigars.

Is that a current?

Yeah, yeah, is that the recipe of the cigar?

We're getting closer.

Yeah, yeah, Tom Jones.

I can't think, no.

No, that's the only one I can think of.

That would be an interesting cookbook as well.

Like, maybe that's for your next cookbook.

You could do, like, just recipes from musicians.

And each, so you kind of, like,

even have to come up with recipes yourself.

You just ask each

other.

Each musician.

We arrive at your desserts.

Oh, which is always my favourite course.

Ed can take or leave it.

I'm a starter boy, really.

He's a little starter boy.

I'm savoury as well.

Yeah, there you go.

Pretty sure you two would agree on that.

Well, I was going to do some Moroccan Amlu and Thousand Hole Pancakes.

Amlou is great because it's all you need is ground nuts, like you can use tahini, you can use peanut butter or almond butter.

Add a bit of honey and a bit of oil, like sesame oil or walnut oil, and you put it together and it makes a lovely alternative to using Natala.

So you don't have to go and buy these big brands anymore.

It's called Amlu, and you put it on pancakes.

I know you love pancakes.

But these are thousand-hole pancakes.

When you're cooking them, all these holes pop up.

But I'm not going to do that.

Okay.

I think we should end with my own home country.

Yeah, I think we should.

The aforementioned Welsh cakes, because you really liked them, didn't you?

Yes.

But I'm going to do vegan ones instead.

Oh, okay.

So, my daughter's vegan.

And she's given me

what you can do if you're making vegan, if you're bacon and you're baking for a vegan, you can change, instead of using eggs, you can use chia or chaya seeds, how do you say them?

Yeah, yeah, with a bit of water.

Yes.

Um, and the amounts are for one egg, for the equivalent of one egg, one tablespoon of ground chia or chaya, and three tablespoons of water.

Put it in the fridge so it congeals, then use instead of the egg.

And that works for your Welsh cakes, and they're really crispy, lovely, biscuity Welsh cakes.

I've got another dessert in case Welsh cakes is not enough.

Okay, because I quite like it when you go to restaurants and they give you little tastes of more than one dessert.

I mean, that's become a bit of a CC fashion thing now.

You get a little tray, and there's about three or four glasses or something.

I love that.

Anything with chocolate glasses?

No.

So, this is one I picked up when I was a child in Spain.

I love Spain, I love Spanish food as well, and music, and all the rest of it.

But anyway, super simple.

You know, those little small melons that are bright orange in the middle, they're about bigger than a tennis ball, but not as big as a football.

You need one of those.

Cut it in half, pull out the seeds, and get a really nice bottle of chereth sherry or any sherry that's in your cabinet still.

And pour it into that hole and give it to your guests

with a spoon.

I saw that one in the book.

That one really stood out because it's very colourful.

There's a great picture of it in the book.

And just, it was just, it's called just melon with sherry.

Yeah.

And then you put the recipe in there, just bung some sherry and some melon.

Because it's the idea.

Had you thought about doing it?

No, absolutely.

Have you tasted it?

No, I don't know.

It's like Death by Chocolate.

It's like, holy shit, this is alchemy.

This is magic.

This is so easy, but so damn good.

I will be trying it for sure.

Of course, I'm going to point to it tonight on this other podcast.

Can I give it some melon and some sherry, please?

You should have done that on Drunk History.

You go through about eight melons.

Ginger James has had.

Ten sherry and melons.

Now, before you read the order back, I'm going to say it.

I know Karis was worried that we were going to think badly of her for using so much booze.

I think this is the booziest meal we've had on off menu.

Well, yeah,

and it nearly wasn't until you switched the dessert to the sherry bowl.

The thing is, so I'd say it all goes.

The other boozy episodes we've had have been from chefs.

It's been very, you know, to be fair, alcohol has been very successful.

People like it.

Yeah, yeah.

You would like some sparkling party water.

Popadoms to start from your local curry house.

Fried green tomatoes as your starter.

With a coleslaw, maybe?

With a coleslaw on the side there.

For your main, originally the side, but it got switched out, was the chickpea and potato curry.

And then your side, originally the main, but was switched out, is your tequila prawns.

Drink, Death by Chocolate, as recommended by Ian Brown.

Half Guinness, Tiamaria, vodka.

Dessert, vegan Welsh cakes, slash melon with sherry.

Yes.

Feel good about it?

Bonnet petites.

That sounds lovely.

I mean,

I'd be well up for sitting down and having all of that.

I'd be very happy to eat all of that.

Where's this wild cook going now?

Where are you headed after this?

God, I don't know.

Where do you fancy going?

Jamaica?

Just go and get a melon and a break.

Out of all the places you described.

I'm going to read you a poem before we say goodbye because I thought.

I'm going to stick in Wales.

I'm just going to guess who read a poem.

Or do you want a story instead?

Oh, I kind of want both now.

You might have to edit this.

I think a poem.

I think I've got a poem.

No,

you've got to listen to this and you'd like it.

It's from the Mabinogion.

And it's

How Not to Deal with Your Enemies.

I'll just do a small version of it, okay?

So he rose up and put his two feet into the bag.

And Push turned up the sides of the bag so that Gwow was over his head in it.

And he shut the bag up quickly and slipped a knot upon the thongs and blew his horn.

And thereupon, behold, his household came down upon the palace.

And they seized all the hosts that had come with Gwawl and cast them into his own prison.

And Push threw off his rags, and his old shoes, and his tattered array, and as they came in, every one of Poich's knights struck a blow upon the bag, and asked, What is here?

A badger, said they.

And in this manner they played, each of them striking the bag, this is with a guy in it, remember

striking the bag, either with his foot or with a staff

stick, in case you were wondering.

And thus played they with a bag.

Everyone, as he came in, asked, What game are you playing at thus?

The game of Badger in the bag, said they.

And then was the game of Badger in the bag first played.

Thank you.

I could have listened to that for a lot longer.

I had to read an audiobook once that I actually wrote, and you just made me realise I did an absolutely shit job.

It was way more expressive.

It was so.

I wanted to hear that whole thing.

That was great.

Well, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

And now we can all go and play Badger in the bargain.

What a lovely menu.

And if you listen, you can go back and listen, you'll probably work out how to cook them.

She almost gave us the full recipes.

Yeah, very detailed recipes.

And I tell you what, I'm going to try.

Death by chocolate sounds delicious.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So I'm actually, after this, Ed, a little inside information, later on this evening, I've got to do a podcast where I have to get drunk for it.

I'm a guest on that one.

Yes.

And I think I'm going to make that my drink, if they'll let me.

Oh, well, don't have too many, because we're recording tomorrow.

Okay, I'll be a good boy.

So be a good boy.

Don't have too many.

It'd be awful if we had to record lots of podcasts and you were hungover.

Yes.

Well, I don't have to get drunk for the podcast tonight.

Okay, but just be sensible.

Okay.

Also, you may have noticed Karis did not say sugar work, which is why she was allowed to remain in the restaurant.

Well done, Keris.

Congratulations, Keris.

Congratulations.

And her book is Where the Wild Cooks Go.

That is out now.

And she's also doing a live tour of it where she's, you know, reading out recipes, doing poems, doing some of those stories.

Like she did a story.

She's been eater in the bag.

Pretty sure.

All the bagman stuff.

So go and check that out.

If you Google Penguin Live, you can find out more about that.

We've got some food in front of us, James.

Oh, yummy, yumma.

Yummy, yumma.

We've some cans of wine from Nice.

Yep, we've got some Fentamans.

Fentamans soda.

Soda.

The Rose lemonade is one of my girlfriend's favourite drinks.

Oh, is it now?

Yeah, so

very happy to receive some of that.

Friend and Pokemon in.

And also we were sent some brownies from Lola's.

Delicious.

A little box of brownies.

We've been very naughty with those flavours all day.

Oh, we've been so naughty.

We've been so naughty.

We've been so naughty.

If you like our vibes, then you should check out our stuff.

I'm at Gamble Comedy on Twitter and Instagram.

I've got a live live stand-up comedy special on Amazon Prime Video.

Go and check that out as well.

And I'm on tour and all that jazz.

James, what are you up to, mate?

I'm at James Acaster, and there's nothing you can do about it.

And also, I have a book out called Perfect Sound Whatever about how 2016 is the greatest year for music of all time.

But for now, we will see you again in the dream restaurants.

I'm off to get drunk.

Best night of my life.

Death by Chocolate.

Be careful.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.