Ep 1: Scroobius Pip

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to them current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

You open the fridge, there's nothing there.

So what's it gonna be?

Greasy pizza?

Sad drive-thru burgers?

Dish by Blue Apron is for nights like that.

These are the pre-made meals of your dreams.

At least 20 grams of protein, no artificial flavors or colors, no chopping, no cleanup, no guilt.

Keep the flavor, ditch the subscription, get 20% off your first two orders with code APRAN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com/slash terms for more.

Bonapet, and welcome to the Off-Menu podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster.

I'm Ed Gamble.

I'm James Acaster.

This is exciting, isn't it?

It's very exciting.

This is a podcast where we ask a guest basically to build their dream meal, their favourite starter they've ever had, favourite main, favourite dessert, favourite side, favourite drink.

Best drink.

Now, this is episode one, so we're obviously getting a few things fleshed out.

Yes.

I went with Bon Appetite there as the opening.

I liked that.

Are you happy with that?

Yes, and I am a waiter.

Ah, okay.

So this is the other thing we should let you know as well.

We haven't quite nailed the format down yet.

And James is insisting throughout the podcast

that he is a waiter

and taking the orders.

So each time our guest

this week is the wonderful Scroobius Pip.

Yes.

Very exciting.

Very exciting.

Love Scroobius Pip and can't wait to hear what he wants to eat.

So James, every time we ask Pip about a new course, James takes the order as the waiter.

Yes.

I'm not sure that we should do that, James.

You can't tell people what jobs they can and can't do, Ed.

Well,

I could tell someone to not be a beautiful person.

You're like the dad in Billy Elliott.

I could tell someone not to be a waiter in a private room when we're not in an actual restaurant.

You can tell them, but then food of speech, I'm allowed to be a waiter.

So we're sticking with Bon Appetit as the opening.

And certainly for this episode, because we've already recorded it,

you were acting like a waiter throughout, but a waiter who constantly stayed at the table.

Yeah, one of those familiar waiters who comes and sits with you and gets a bit personal, has a bit of a chat.

I hate them.

I know, it adds to the meal.

It doesn't add to the meal.

I hate like I added to the ambiance.

You were fine, because at least I know you.

So I'd be like, the waiter here is James Acaster.

He's going to come and sit at the table because it'd just be awkward otherwise because it'd be like, what's happened to James?

Why is he, what's happened in his comedy life that he's needing to get supplementary wages as a waiter?

Well, the waiter is

more of a passion thing.

It's my passion.

So

this is not anything you're being paid for.

No, I do it for the love.

That's why I like chatting as well.

Does the imaginary restaurant that you're working in

know that you're working there?

Have you applied to work there or have you just turned up in a little waiter's uniform?

Well, I like to think that like it's almost like

I'm a genie.

I like the genie?

Yeah, but the whole restaurant's.

Okay, Okay, I think it's confusing enough that you're pretending to be a waiter in our pretty laid-back food chat podcast with the loose structure of favourite starter main side dessert.

Yes.

You can't also be a genie.

But like, if the, but it's a magical restaurant because they have to, because they're able to order food from any time in their life, anytime they had it.

And like, you know, it'll be one of those things where, like, if it was a film, in the film, you know, I would just appear on the waiter.

And then they would realize there's something magical about the restaurant.

And they'd realize, actually I'm the only member of staff there and the whole thing is just magic and I'm a genie who created the restaurant.

Do you see what I'm saying when I'm telling you that that seems like you're overcomplicating it?

But there's like layers and layers of stuff where people would like, you know, because the more people listen to the podcast, the more they'll discover that.

Right, okay.

Even though I'm saying it now in episode one.

Yeah.

You've already given away that the twist is you're a genie as well as a waiter.

Yes, I've given it away actually.

As well as James A.

Caster the comedian.

But what we could do is we could edit this bit out and then on the very, like in a few years' time, play this and go, look, it was there from the beginning.

They knew from the beginning that he was a genie and it was a magical restaurant that he had created by magic.

I think it's a really, it's a really fun episode.

We've just had a lovely chat with Pip.

Really good.

Some unexpected choices and hitting a lot of our

loves.

Yeah, indeed.

That we like.

And we should also point out that for every episode, there's going to be a secret ingredient, which if they mention it, they get kicked out the restaurant yeah should we should we mention what it is now yeah so listeners can listen out for it yeah we won't say if he says it or not yeah but we decided that the ingredient that we don't like yeah is pomegranate this week pomegranate pomegranate seeds that get in your teeth yeah we're not having that in our imaginary genie restaurant no don't like them so if he orders that he is in trouble

Also, something to be aware of, we're recording in the offices of your management,

James.

Not management at the restaurant.

That's just me, because I'm a genie.

Okay, can you...

Okay, the confusion really, really coming into play now?

Yep.

And I think we're next to the kitchen

of your management.

So there will be background noise of plates and microwaves pinging.

That is completely accidental.

That is not a bed we've added in.

Yes.

But it's perfect.

It's a worked out idea.

It is perfect and adds to all the magic.

But don't expect it every episode.

No, don't expect it every episode.

So this is the intro for the first one.

I think in future ones, we'll be catching up on food news, discussing food experiences.

Yeah, the intro will be a bit more.

This is just a bit of setup for this one now because it's the first ever one we've done.

People know what it is.

But look, if you're getting confused by if I'm a waiter or a genie and stuff like that, just know it is going to be Scroobius Pip talking about his favorite dishes that he's ever had, and that's all you need to know.

So, just imagine me, Ed Gamble, a man, sat talking to Scroobius Pip, a man with sort of James, a hovering waiter.

Yes, enjoy the show.

Hello, guys.

Good to see you.

Welcome.

Thank you for having me.

It's exciting to be the first guest.

Is it exciting, or are you worried that you're the guinea pig in this experiment?

It's exciting because it's got that element of being invited around for the first dinner party, but I've chosen the menu.

So the risk is taken away.

Exactly.

So even if you guys are appalling hosts, both figuratively and literally,

I get to talk about my favourite thing.

So, you know, I've got it covered.

And you're the first one, so you can't get anything wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone else has to compare to me now.

I've got tons of extra

categories.

I've planned your podcast wonderfully.

That sounds great.

Like the first

star in a measure's car.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just straight on the leaderboard.

It doesn't matter what anyone else did.

Now, have we picked our first guest well?

Are you a foodie?

Would you consider yourself a foodie?

Well, yes.

And

it's something I made a note of at the start that I wanted to get across.

I made a list of some of the posh posh restaurants I've been to.

That's what we like to hear.

I've been to nice places like Sushi Samba,

Popolo, Bob, Bob, Ricard.

I noticed Sushi Samba twice.

Rock Salt in Folkestone, if you want to get out of London, Hawksmoor, Duck and Waffle, all of these.

And I needed to get them in.

I needed to get them in because almost all of my choices are from major fast food chains

i've just got cheap taste um yeah it's a blessing and a curse i think i've i really enjoy nice food i go i said to loads of nice places but where

a while ago we did um on an another podcast i was asked my kind of um death row last meal type thing and i realized i'd genuinely probably order it from pizza hut or dominoes um and literally that was it you can have anything you want it's like but it's the last time i can have a stuffed crust right like i can never have one again well we've got to have it

you know isn't you a stuffed crust guy i am a stuffed crust guy um once i went out to ed's house i just had a i literally broken up with my girlfriend that day yeah uh and

just sorry i was just timing that just wanted to see how long it would take for you to mention a breakup yep here we are and um

straight in there and uh i went back to ed's and ordered a pizza and i ordered a hot dog stuffed crust pizza which I'd never had before it's intense isn't it see that for me is a step too far I on all of those things and the hot dog stuffed crust is an example of I enjoyed it yeah I never needed to have it again yeah I'd experienced it I didn't regret it

there's some things like that you order and regret I didn't regret it but I didn't have any urge to have it again it was a strange thing to review in that way because people were asking me online oh oh was it how was it I was like I really enjoyed it but I will never have another one.

So it's a weird, yeah, weird combination.

The question about the hot dog stuffed crust: is it one long hot dog all the way around, or is it a series of normal-sized hot dogs?

Um,

well, it

if it was one all the way round, it'd be the

Cumberland sausage stuff crust, wouldn't it?

Right?

Wouldn't that have to come out the crust and sort of curl around towards the centre of the pizza?

Yeah, sure.

It might be two hours.

It's just a sausage.

I don't know, because it was all, you know, I had it in slices.

Yes.

And you were crying, weren't you?

So that means.

Yeah, no, I was crying and everything.

It cost a lot of money as well because I ordered it.

It cost me £20

that pizza.

And I felt I'll do it because I'm heartbroken.

Yeah.

But it wasn't help.

I don't know if it was worth it.

I've got a spare revenue now.

I've not got to waste it on dates and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I'm never going to be eating out again.

Yeah, get myself a hot dog stuff because pizza for 20 quid.

So

you go to posh restaurants, but your go-to is probably fast.

Food's about comfort, really, I think.

Completely.

And I have that a lot when on, I used to have it on tour or with where I do acting a bit now.

If I'm away,

one of the exciting things is seeing what takeaways are available or local to my hotel.

Because I live in a small town in Essex called Stanfordly Hope.

And

the only chain.

brand option I've got is Domino's.

Other than that, it's all small local ones and things like that.

And they're not amazing.

It's not like the East End, it's not all these fancy, independent things.

It's kebab shops and stuff like that.

So it's exciting.

Like, we don't have a deliveroo or Uber Eats or any of that kind of thing.

So it's genuinely exciting each time.

Before now, in fact, almost every time I've had, for example, an acting gig in Leeds.

And before I've gone there, I've entered the postcode and checked what

I like that little hotel room takeaway.

Just pig out, enjoy enjoy yourself have a film on and yeah it's that comfort

so we should we should get into this yes we've asked you to pick your uh perfect starter main side yes dessert combo but something we're going to throw at you early doors that you weren't expecting you've just sat down in the restaurant excellent popadoms or bread popped ons or bread oh

jesus um i'll go for bread bread no i'll go for popadoms you can if you want say a different option if you've ever been given something else nice before a meal that you prefer i'm going to go for poppadoms and i like poppadoms but the only dip of the poppadoms i like is the mango chutney so don't worry with the rest of them just bring more mango chutney like four mango chutneys yeah it's awkward if i go with other people because i get a little bit

if they take a big scoop of the mango chutney i'm like well you're having a bit of everything that's all i'm having so you've taken a large scoop of yeah my only option and a small you've you know you should spread it out yeah it's not fair yeah have you tried the other dips and just never liked them yeah they've just haven't

it's a weird one with curries i didn't have a curry until i was over over 20.

i was in my 20s when i had my first curry wow um and there was a place near me called

bombay nights uh-huh and they had all real authentic they apparently they

shipped in all their spices and everything so it's really authentic and it was the best curry i've ever had but i'd only have it go go there once or twice or

once every month or two and people would get annoyed because i'd always have the same stuff but

if i'm only going once every month or two yeah and it's really that one thing i had was really nice i want to have it again you don't want to risk putting something else really nice yeah there's nothing wrong with that i don't think but it would annoy people but then that place closed down every curry i've had since hasn't come close really to the test What was the curry?

Here comes the judgment,

it was

butter chicken, I knew you're about to say butter chicken, which is such a good thing.

As soon as you said, Here comes the judgment, I was like, Here comes butter chicken, more likely,

but it was a beautiful because they did it as kind of it was more, it had the, it was,

it was, it was more a masala, and then they had the creamy sauce on top of the masala, and it was a really beautiful mix, and it tasted lovely.

But yeah, I would get judgment every time because clearly I had that the first time because I've never had a curry and I'm in my 20s.

Sure, I don't want to take it easy.

Fair enough, happen to really like it, let's stick with it.

Yeah, let's not deviate from the path.

Everywhere else, do you always get butter chicken now?

Um, no, I generally have avoided now because everywhere else I've gone, it's been a huge letdown.

Sure, because it is just more bland and more creamy than it was there.

There, it was spicy, but not in a hot way, it had a lot of flavor and a lot of spices.

I'm not into hot stuff, so

I mean, like flavor-wise, hot, I like hot food.

I don't demand all

your choices are free.

Pop that in the fridge first, please, for half an hour.

No, yeah, so everywhere else I've gone, I then understood why I get judgment of choosing butter chicken because when I had it in other places, I was like, it's just like a creamy, sickly chicken.

In that place, it was special.

That place I did it really well.

Yeah, so yeah.

Imagine that.

The first you have a dish that everyone thinks is pretty bland, but you have it the best that anyone's ever made it in the world, and you just think it's the best meal ever.

Yeah, and everyone else is judging me.

And as I said, I then had

we were on tour in Newcastle once, and we went to a carry house, and I was like, All right, this is a tour as well, so I'm ready for judgment.

I was like, Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

I ordered it, everyone's oh, everyone else is having the hottest thing on the menu, yeah.

And then it came, and I was like, You know what, you're right, yeah, fair point.

Yeah,

even though you've explained it now, I'm still judging you for the hotter chicken.

It's mad, isn't it?

But yeah, I'd like to try this original butter chicken.

Yeah, that's what I'm referring to as the original butter chicken.

Yeah,

popsicles sprinklers a cool breeze talk about refreshing you know what else is refreshing this summer a brand new phone with verizon yep get a new phone on any plan with select phone trade-in and my plan and lock down a low price for three years on any plan with my plan this is a deal for everyone whether you're a new or existing customer swing by verizon today for our best phone deals

three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only additional terms and conditions apply for all offers offers

You've got poppa dums.

Yes, now don't fill up on them.

That's key, isn't it?

Yeah, I won't.

I won't.

Don't fill up on the popper dums because now we're going, we're going to the starter.

But if you are you being the waiter, James?

Yes.

So you need to come and take the order, don't you?

Well, actually, first of all, would you like a drink?

Before we get your starter?

Good point.

Yes, I'm going to start on just on just water.

I like a water with a meal.

Is that

Genuine, that's true.

Just a water is fine.

Still sparkling?

I might spice things up later on and order an alcoholic drink.

Okay.

At the moment, I'm going to start on the water because

I don't want anything to influence the flavours that I'm about to take in.

I don't want to set a palette that's then hard to deviate from, like cleaning your teeth.

before a glass of orange juice.

Now this is a real good intro into the starter.

So you're having water

to not interrupt the flavours of the starter.

Yes.

still sparkling all taps a tap is fine actually yeah i'm the same i'm a tap guy i'm fine with tap still but you know there's a there's an element of of essex cheapness that i'm like well still and tap are the same thing just at a different price yeah so i'll take the cheaper of the two tap um but yeah the starter um i'm going for what is

And I will not have any argument on this.

What is the best starter ever?

And it's the reason I went for Poppadongs rather than bread, because I'm going for garlic bread with cheese

because it is the best starter ever no matter what meal you're having it's the best starter ever there's more fancy starters there's nothing as good and i'm asking the waiter to pop down specifically to get pizza hut garlic bread with cheese so it's not just a pizza that's garlicky and cheesy it's slices it's individual slices with the cheese melted beautifully on top yeah it's the best it's the best starter and i won't have any i can see why you went with the water name yeah i don't want any

Pizza Hutchinson continental flavour of Carlo Bread Ribbon Christian because you have picked a starter whose flavour could punch through any drink

pretty much pretty much but I really want it to to punch through nothing else

are we allowing guests to say they won't have any argument on it

I think so I think that's the sort of level of

that's the level of passion we require from our guest yeah that is true actually I'm the first first one so it's it is undisputed at this stage yeah so maybe the next

the future of the podcast is to dispute it It's one of my, I watch a lot of mixed martial arts, and my brother's main annoyance is at the start of a title fight, they'll say they'll introduce someone as the undisputed champion.

It's like,

we're literally here to dispute that.

Literally, why are we all watching?

This is a dispute of that.

And introduce the undisputed champion.

No, it is being disputed in front of us now.

So at present, there's no one here to battle me.

So it is undisputed.

Garnet Bevered Cheese is the undisputed champion.

With a piece of garlic bevered cheese,

what is the cheese on top of it?

It's normally a mozzarella.

They, for a period, had

four cheese, mixed cheese, which was mozzarella.

I think it was a red Leicester and a cheddar.

I worked in Pizza Hut for a little while in the kitchen.

That's the best option.

The mixed cheese is the best option because the melt is just a little bit nicer.

It's a little bit creamier.

It's a smoother melt.

So that's what you'd like me to get you.

Yes,

the four cheese one.

Yes.

I believe they stopped doing it five five to ten years ago, but if you could, they're probably.

At the magical restaurant, I can get you whatever you want, whatever time period.

Time is no issue in this restaurant.

Yes, get you whatever.

It'd be beautiful.

How many slices are you getting with this?

I'm going to go for four.

I'm going to do a full order, eat it myself.

I can handle it.

I can take it.

I'm confident in myself.

Would you...

Now, I'd say this is part of getting garlic bread with cheese from Pizza Hut.

Would you like it brought in the box?

Because I think part of it is some of the cheese maybe caking onto that weird little cardboard thing at the bottom and the grease forming a circle on the bottom of the box.

I would like it in the box.

In fact, I'd like James to have a seat.

I'm going to go and get it myself because I like to eat one or two before it gets to the table.

I like to collect it from Pizza Hut because I've not got a Pizza Hut that delivers as we heard only Domino's is my local.

So if I want pizza, I have to drive to it on the drive home.

A slice or two isn't making it home.

Let's just say that.

Yeah, be having it in the car.

People in my house think they come in orders of two.

I think the grease is giving you away there though.

There's definitely like a shadow of grease where it used to be.

Like a chalk line around a body.

You know what's been there.

Flame that they moved around a bit in the car.

Yeah.

It must have been there and then slid.

I mean and the crumbs in my beard is a telltale sign.

Driving isn't easy for clean eating.

Garlic breath.

Everything about it.

It's quite a mighty garlic breath.

The ruse is up.

My issue with...

Getting that as a starter when you when you get it from Pizza Hut or somewhere like that is then you eat that and it sort of of carbs you up so much by the time you get to a pizza, you don't enjoy the pizza as much as you want to.

It's weird with pizza, or generally, with fast foods, so

ice, like anything chocolatey and dessert, I don't seem to have a limit on them.

Right, okay.

Um, I think it's partly because, as as unhealthy as my choices are going to be, in the week, I eat really healthy, yeah, and then at weekends, I eat whatever I want, so I don't seem to have a limit on it.

I seem to be able to eat all of all of that garlic bread, but before now, and I won't be doing it today, before now, in fact, I say before now, almost more regularly than ordering a pizza now.

I'll just pop in a little starters order.

Dominoes or pizza.

I'll order only starters.

I'll order, you know, I'll go tapas.

I'll go tapas at pizza.

I'll have some chicken wings.

I'll have some garlic bread.

I might have, they do a

macaroni cheese at Pizza Hut now.

Yeah.

From dominoes, I might go twisted doughboals.

Who knows?

You've got a few starters.

Just a few starters.

Is that your favourite course then?

I reckon it must be, yeah.

Of all the courses, your starters, guy,

I think it is, which makes it all the more impressive that when compiling this list, it's the only one that I only had one option on.

All the others,

still written on my phone, are two options.

So I'm undecided.

I'm still, I'm going to wait until the waiter comes

and

put it on the day.

But all the rest, I've got

almost a tie for first first place.

Starter was the only one that I was like, well, there's nothing better than cheesy garlic bread from Pizza Hut three years ago.

From Pizza Hut three years ago.

I think

that is a solid first choice.

I like garlic bread that you can tear

apart.

You know, like a baguette of garlic bread that you can tear it right up.

My issue with those is that because they're sort of half or three quarters sliced through the baguette, often there's a little dry bit of bread at the bottom where the garlic butter hasn't reached, whereas slicer of garlic bread with cheese, there's garlic butter.

It's covered.

Or

the often popular in pubs, the tear and share garlic bread.

So it's just a big thing that is there for you to tear.

I like to have that.

I'll have, it's the only time, in fact, I have mayonnaise.

I'm not a mayonnaise man, but bitter ketchup, a bit of mayonnaise, a double dip, because the share's a suggestion.

Yeah, so you

can't.

You have tear garlic bread.

The tear is essential.

The share part completely at your discretion.

So, yeah,

I'll cross the streams.

I'll dip in both.

And yeah, dipping garlic bread and mayonnaise.

Yeah, I know, it's mad, isn't it?

But it's that is the this is so many mind-blowing.

That is the only time I've ever had mayonnaise.

You've never

ever had mayonnaise when at tear and in fact, I can even say a specific place, a pub around the back of Festival Leisure Park in Basildon, tear and share garlic bread, ketchup, and mayonnaise.

That double dipped.

I'm not a mayonnaise man.

It's never appealed to me.

So that place in Basel then is the only place you've ever had mayonnaise?

I've never had mayonnaise, yeah.

And you think you might have another butter chicken on your hands?

Where if you go and have mayonnaise anywhere else, and it's not as good, I think, potentially.

I think potentially, and again, it's weird because there, similar with the butter chicken, which is the white creamy sauce over the masala in this place, and mixing the red ketchup with the white mayonnaise.

I think I have an issue with I can only handle white stuff if it's mixed with red stuff.

Yes, which is a strange thing to realise.

Let's pull that out on its own and put it on the internet out of context.

Right, sorted.

We've got a garlic bread.

And cheese waiter.

I'll let them know in the kitchen.

And for a main, sir.

Well, this is going to both surprise and disappoint.

For the main, I'm going for a pizza because pizza is the best.

Let's actually do it.

But I'm going for something that I'm the only person who's ever had, and I might have to come in the kitchen and make it for you.

Because when I worked in pizza, I invented my name in real life is David Meads.

Yeah, I stopped using that name not for stage, but when I worked in HMV, I was known as Pip.

In loads of other places, I was known as Pip.

But in Pizza, I was still known as David Meads.

And then I invented the Meadsy base.

So I'm going to have a Meadsy base.

A Meadsy base.

And the way I created that, and I'd be able to do it.

Well, we will need to tell the kitchen how to make this.

I'm writing this down.

You do thin crust pizzas here, right?

Yes.

Just slap out a thin crust,

sprinkle it with cheese, then pop another thin crust on top of it.

So we've got this cheese-en-case base.

Now, the problem you're probably thinking there is, but Pip, the cheese is going to bubble out of the sides.

How do you seal that?

Stuff the crust, mate.

Stuff the crust, fold it over, stuff the crust.

So we've got a stuffed crust.

So cheese in the crust and in the base yeah yeah and then the toppings the sauce and the toppings on top so you've got a stuffed base pizza what cheese are you putting in there um again i've gone for the the four cheese mix because it's again a smoother blend yeah um it gives a nice smooth melt so you've had that on the garlic bread yeah and now and now that's in the main course as well exact same cheese i'm looking forward to hearing what the dessert's going to be it's in the main course several is it going to be cheesecake who knows um it's it's it's in the main course several times because it's in the base and it's on top.

So

in the crust, they go for a more kind of a cheese string.

And then you roll it over, you push down nicely to seal it, and you run a little

thing that perforates the base and seals it all in.

You run that over,

and then you put the sauce on.

And yeah.

So what sauce you're putting on?

So your traditional tomato pizza sauce.

Yeah.

And then I'm on toppings.

Again, it's a controversial thing.

Despite the monstrosity I've just created in front of you.

I'm imagining the toppings would be another pizza base.

Tiny pizzas.

I'm traditional on topins.

I'm traditional on toppings because

the habit in the UK, again, this is the same as the people who at the curry house are having the hottest curry available at Pizza Hut or Domino's or wherever else are going, let's put some meatballs on it.

Let's have

what's on a farm.

Yeah.

Put all of it on there and including two of the vegetables, but only two, not many.

Let's not mess things up.

But in Italy, they always say that

your sauce, your base, and your cheese are the most important toppings.

Then you should have one, maybe two other toppings.

So I just go for ham.

I'm just going to have ham on top of this.

Because

there's a lot in there already.

So it's just cheese and ham.

I'm just sort of referencing the simplicity of Italian cuisine, but you've stuffed the base and crust.

No, that's it.

I had to highlight the monstrosity I'd built first, which is a very Americanised route of making pizza.

But yeah, I'm going for that simplicity in the topping.

Of respecting the tradition.

Yeah.

What size are we talking?

Well,

the beauty of a meatsy base is the thin crust bases are made in all sizes, so it's really optional.

But I'll go for a medium.

I'm quite peckish, so I'm going to have a medium all to myself.

If I need to take some home in a box, I'll take some home in a box.

Is a a meaty base have you had it cold in the morning before um i don't like cold pizza i always reheat in the oven not the microwave the microwave makes it go soft and floppy yeah the oven

if done within reasonable time returns it to its former glory or just slightly crispier i don't know if you've ever tried this dry pan right medium heat cheese down

really

i like that yeah that makes sense because i think that would work for a meaty base

yeah no because it's like a dry pan so you're not frying anything anything, you're just warming it and sort of melting the cheese again a little bit.

Does it not stick to the pan?

No.

If you've got good pans,

you shouldn't have that problem.

Maybe I haven't got a good pan.

And if you're ordering from someone like Pizza or something, the cheese never it never goes so melty it's almost liquid, does it?

It's always got like a solidified quality to it anyway.

Well, that's good.

That's what you I didn't ever you did that, Ed.

Oh, I mean, I don't do it very regularly, but I'm aware that is a thing you can do.

I've never done it, but I now intend to.

I mean, it's rare that I have any leftover, if I'm honest.

Well, I was going to say you're making it meaty-based.

Yeah.

You've put the work in, because only you can make it.

Mate, I've put the work in.

And I used to,

pizza is my favourite meal.

It's why it got in there.

And I used to,

when I got the job at Pizzerite, my mum genuinely sat me down with a little concern saying,

but you love pizza.

And this might ruin it for you.

It might be the thing that pushes you over the edge.

And I ate it.

You get a free pizza for lunch.

Yeah.

Also, pizza do a thing called the buffet, which is you know, you got you got your buffet there.

And because of the amount you have to make, you prep some of them in advance.

There's only left over at the end of the day.

There's no point in throwing them away, is there?

And by chance, every shift I had, there was a large ham and cheese pizza left over at the end from the buffet.

Is that as well as your pizza for lunch?

That's as well as my pizza for lunch.

I pop that in the oven, take that home, provide for the family.

Now that you're known as Scrubby.

I've become a man

now that you're known as Scroobius Pip, um,

you've considered changing the name of the meatsy base to like a

pipperoni pizza?

Come on,

it suggests too much.

A pippy bass or a pepperoni pizza suggests either there's some pieces.

Like you said, Pipperoni pizza, you've got to admit that it felt good on you for the night.

You said pipperoni pizza, just saying that you enjoyed it.

Yeah, um,

yeah, I don't know.

I like the meatsy bass, it never came into fruition.

About five years after its creation,

the Domino's started doing a stuffed bass pizza.

Yeah, see, I wasn't going to bring this up because I didn't want to rock the boat.

I think they must have heard somehow.

I think word got through.

I genuinely, while I was working there, looked up

the phone number for head office because I wanted to ring her up and say, look, I've created this new pizza.

I think it's.

It's got a mole in our department.

Because

the Domino's one, was it called the Dominator?

dominator the dominator yeah now the problem with that stuffed base was it wasn't it was like creamy cheese with cheese it was horrible yeah it was messy it was again it was another one that i tried and enjoyed but didn't i wasn't particularly drawn back many times dominoes have a history of that they'll they'll create inventive things um speaking of which this is just a plug for dominoes now i was so proud of them recently when i saw a new a new menu a menu edition because dominoes have an option of potato wedges Yeah, that's not that exciting, is it?

No, you're getting a pizza, you've got the option of garlic bread, all this.

Yeah, they've just changed, they've just upped that.

You can now order potato wedges with melted cheese on or with melted cheese and bacon.

Oh, instantly, 10 times more appealing.

And it's stuff they've got anyway.

Yeah, they've not had to order in anything extra there.

It's sitting there.

They probably throw out a load of cheese at the end of each day that isn't used.

And I was, I saw it and just went, well done, lads, because you've made that 10 times more appealing and you've spent nothing extra.

Not a penny more.

You're proud of them.

I have a question about the meaty base.

Yes.

How old were you when you invented it?

So I guess I would have been 17 or 18.

And who else has tried it?

Only you?

Only me.

I'm the only one.

No one else ever ate.

You never shared.

I never let anyone ever taste.

I did it with.

They're what you make it.

I did it with individual, so a personal pizza.

So imagine that stuffed.

There's not a lot left for toppings.

No.

Yeah, because it's mainly base.

When the stuff first came out, the stuffed stuffed crust first came out, you could only get it in line.

Only large, yeah.

Only a little bit in lunch.

Because you can stuff any crust.

Yeah.

Trust me.

Yeah.

Stuffs and crust.

I've stuffed and crust.

You're a terrible innovator.

You were working at the top of your game.

I genuinely feel that that was a, we've got something good

here.

Let's keep it on a maximum premium.

Because people who want a stuffed crust will order a stuffed crust when they might have been going, they might previously thought, I'll have a medium.

Yeah.

But, oh, I want a stuffed crust.

I'll go large.

Well, yeah.

And reheat it in the morning or whatever else.

And you're spending a load more.

If it was an option on a medium, people would take that, believably.

Yeah, absolutely.

Right.

It's a good meal so far.

Very good, sir.

You're married.

The meaty base, writing that down.

You must be feeling pretty full, but you've got to order a side.

A side, yes.

A side for the meaty base.

Potato wedges with cheese and bacon.

That is no meads.

But guess what?

Cheese is making an appearance again.

Is it the cheese mix again?

No, I don't know.

I know unbelievable before you come in.

It's not from Pizza Hut.

This is a shock.

It's not from Pizza Hut.

It's from Camden Market.

Is it Off the Curb or something?

They have their little bit, which is all food from around the world.

Obviously, I honed in on where had cheese.

And they do these halloumi fries that have got...

pomegranate sprinkled on and some mint sauce and all sorts of stuff.

I'm just going to stop here.

This is very interesting.

Right.

Because in the meeting previous to this recording, James said

we should establish an ingredient that if it gets mentioned, then we kick the guest off the show.

Wow.

And today's ingredient was genuinely pomegranate seeds.

Pomegranate seeds, really?

It's the only place I've ever had them as well.

So that's the thing.

Well, not like they kick you off the button.

But I can't believe

they actually came up.

You said the ingredient.

So I.

But what's interesting here is the first two times I had these,

I said

I didn't have the

pomegranate seed.

I'm quite a picky orderer.

There'll rarely be something on the menu that I'm satisfied is the right way to put that together.

Well, no, let's leave that off of it or let's add that.

And so, as you've seen, we have the invention of the meatsy base.

And with this, the first few times I went to this place, everyone's just having it.

They've got these seeds drizzled on this mint stuff.

And I was always like, no, I'll just have the halloumi fries.

There was

some kind of green sauce mix on.

Other than that, I'm fine.

And it was after a while I went for the pomegranate seeds.

So I'm happy to leave them off if it gets me through to dessert.

My problem with them is it's like eating bits of gravel.

They do get stuck in your teeth.

Yeah.

I don't like the texture of them.

So when I'm like eating a lovely salad and they've been snuck in there.

Yeah, yeah.

And then

I get one popping in your mouth.

I feel like they're more about look than they are about taste.

Couldn't agree more.

You call it like a jewelled couscus or something, and it'll look like, yeah.

But once you actually bite down into them, it's like

when they pop

gold on stuff.

Yeah.

So some desserts will have gold flakes sprinkled on it.

It's just a look.

Some vodka will have bits of gold in it.

Yeah.

I'm here for the vodka, not the gold.

Say the first bite's with the eye, but all the other bites are with your teeth and mouth.

I do not like the pomegranate.

Let's not focus solely on the first bite.

That's a small percentage of the bites, depending on the bread.

The halloumi tries I'm well on board with.

They're amazing.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Talk us through them.

It's just simple.

It's slices of halloumi that they've probably coated in something a bit and then they've deep fried it.

And halloumi is something that I came to late,

as all of the UK did, I feel.

And it feels like it's something that came out of nowhere and everyone went, Who's been keeping this a secret?

It seems to be a running thing for you, though, coming to cuisine quite late in your life.

Did you eat gruel until

it's because of the pickiness and the blandness?

Genuinely, from the age of about

13 or 14 is when I started to kind of make my own meals if I wanted to.

But definitely from 15 or 16, I probably went 10 years

and I would eat fruit or vegetables once, maybe twice a year.

Wow, wow.

I'm not exaggerating at all.

I would live off pizza and meat.

And that was it.

Wow.

Wow.

Simple as that.

I would generally have veg as a Christmas present to my mother.

So it's Christmas.

All right, let's have some veg on the plate.

Otherwise, I mean, potato doesn't count as a vegetable, obviously.

It's its own food group.

So, um, yeah, I, but then when I got a bit older, I realised that there's all this good food that can be healthy and tasty.

I've not chosen any of it today, but um, it does exist.

Um, and yeah, I kind of think that's a good way of doing it, though, because like, I think if you if you do eat all that stuff when you're younger, you don't have that real magical moment when you're an adult when you realize you like a whole other world of foods.

Yeah, yeah.

And believe me, I wouldn't change a thing.

Yeah.

Because at that age, I had the metabolism to deal with that.

Yeah, that's the perfect time to eat absolutely appallingly.

And then when you get a bit older, go, oh, look, here's some healthier stuff that's tasty.

If I'd had that early and got bored of it, it'd be a far bigger struggle now.

Whereas as I've come to it, as I'm getting a bit older and the metabolism is taking a little more effort,

it's perfectly timed.

I think this is a question that applies to the majority of the UK, and I think we'll have a good discussion around it.

What's your record at a Pizza Hut Buffet?

Me.

Now, obviously, you were behind the scenes a lot.

Me and my mate Steve, who worked with me at Barleycorn Home Stores in Basildon,

we would have a contest and we would give points.

It was a point per slice.

point for garlic bread.

No, they didn't have garlic bread.

The kicker was we'd give a point for each of the big breadsticks that they do at the right.

Yeah, that was a mistake because that's not equal to a slice of pizza.

Yeah, yeah.

So he got he he scored 21.

Wow, my best score was 18, I believe.

I think we gave a point for a pint of drink.

So it was

generally a point for every element.

Yeah, um, pint of drink, yeah, yeah,

yeah, and and yeah, so my score was 18.

I'd say at least 10 of that was slices of pizza, probably 12.

I wasn't big on,

I was there for the game rather than the score.

So whilst I could get, I could have got a better score filling up on breadsticks, but what kind of lunch break is that?

Exactly.

Yeah.

You still wanted to have a nice time.

Also, I will add that Pizza Hut Buffet was for a long while my favourite place to do a runner from.

and not pay.

Was that when you were working there as well?

No, no, it was after.

I went for a phase of really begrudging paying for food.

And Pizza Hub Buffet was a real favourite of mine.

Again, I think part of it was the guilt

free element, knowing how much goes in the bin.

So

my consumption can just count as wastage.

And my technique was flawless.

I do it on my own more often than not.

The first time I did it, I just got my first job as a photographer and my first paid job, and I got paid something like three or four grand, which was insane for a 18-19-year-old.

I'm a photographer now, and it blew my mind.

And I went again, it's an illustration of my cheap taste to treat myself.

I went for a pizza

buffet to celebrate.

And the real illustration of my cheapness is with that check in my pocket, I still chose to do a runner.

And my technique is

on arrival, and I don't know if they've changed it, but so many of the buffet bars are quite near the front door.

So, my technique is eat as much as I want, then walk up to the buffet with my plate, just look for a bit,

place the plate on the side, and just walk out the door.

Never had to run, it was always a very casual, just stroll up, have a look.

And often,

a pizza or a buffet pro knows that you will get some lingerers who are waiting for new pizzas to come out.

A new one is coming.

So, no one turns a blind eye if you're hanging around up there for a bit.

So, I'll hang around until people I've almost become invisible because they assume I'm just waiting for a new pizza and then just pop that down, stroll, stroll out the door.

Much of the time I think it would be so easy to do that anywhere.

Yeah.

I really enjoyed it for a bit.

But the last thing became a buzz.

It became a buzz.

You've got to walk, haven't you?

The last thing you want to do after a pizza at a buffet is run.

Exactly.

A casual stroll.

Yeah.

And then, yeah.

Walk out.

We're trying to catch a waiter's eye to try and ask for the bill and they're ignoring you.

And you think, I could just get up and walk out and nobody would stop you.

Yeah, Frankie and Benny's.

I was on a date.

Frankie and Benny's.

And

we were waiting to try and pay for a good 15 minutes.

And then I realised that my waiter had finished his shift and just gone.

So I said to the girl I was on the date with, Go and wait in the car because I didn't want her to have anything embarrassed.

I was like, yeah, you head out to the car.

I'll be out in a minute.

And then I got up I walked out I said goodbye to everyone on my way out

see you later thanks a lot that was lovely bye thanks a lot that was beautiful and walked out and got in my car and went home Frankie and Benny's at the festival leisure park in Basleton what a date as well yeah yeah

they was happy as we were driving away one of the waiters said to the other that's the guy who invented the means he base yeah yeah

and and and and and the young a lady obviously got to go well a good meal and and he's a rebel look at this rebel did you tell her that you're done right or did you make up you just paid for it?

No, I was fine with that.

I was quite proud.

So you know, because everyone's this car because every runner I've ever done was done with intelligence rather than physical prowess or speed.

It's always been a calm and casual one.

So there is a feel of achievement.

I once, um,

this is terrible confessions, but I was once chased by the police.

Um,

yeah, this is weird, isn't it?

I used to do some illegal stuff.

I'm such a chancellor, and I yeah, um, I used used to just

spray on walls.

I did stenciling.

And one time a police car came and we ran

and we got kind of away into some woods and we stashed our stuff and kind of

took our hoodies off and then walked out.

And as we're walking along, the police car was coming towards us.

So I started to walk a tightrope along the pavement and then

daggered and bumped into the police car as if I was drunk.

Yeah.

And they just went, Where are you guys after?

Just going home, mate, had a good night.

And they went, We'll go straight home and don't cause any trouble.

They were looking for us, but again, through my intelligence, I felt rather than any physical prowess or anything else, I was like, I've

it's what's it's what's led me to acting now.

But um, that was it.

It was that it was that moment of rather than seeing them and going, Run, saw them and went, be a drunk on the way home.

Yeah,

there you go, boys.

Be careful, by the way, there's some stencils

Yeah, was there another drink that you had?

Was your favourite drink of all time, water?

Well, that's the thing.

There's a drink that I would order now.

Yeah.

It's not my favourite drink of all time.

My favourite drink of all time is Robinson's High Juice.

It's not available anymore.

The orange one.

I drank it constantly as a kid.

It had an unusual shape and a green top.

It was lovely.

It wasn't as sweet as the squashes.

It felt a bit more fresh.

I would drink that morning, noon, and night.

We've got it in the kitchen if you want it.

I would dip biscuits in it.

This shocks people.

And is this your dessert?

No, I'm not going for it.

You're dipping biscuits in high juice.

You didn't try mayonnaise, do you in your 20s?

See,

it makes sense, doesn't it?

I was distracted by dipping bourbon biscuits in Robinson's high juice.

Would you dip tear and share garlic bread in Robinson's high juice?

I would not.

I'm not an adult.

You're the chocolate orangey thing.

I'm an adult now, so I'm not going to have Robinson's high juice.

You're having garlic bread with cheese for stuff.

Seriously.

And the beef base,

so why not order a glass of Scroobious?

Oh, here it goes.

His own drink now as well.

Yeah, most popular

new cocktail of 2017.

Fantastic.

I invented it on the drunk cast on my own podcast.

And the original manifestation of it is quite simple and it's going to blow your mind with fury.

What I'm doing here, it's gin and Pepsi Max.

I think I've heard you talk about this.

It's legendary,

but recently I upgraded it.

So, on the drunk cast, there's Chris and Stu, who did a hardcore listing podcast.

Um,

Stu got

one over to the Scroobious.

The first episode, so everyone was like, Oh, it's the worst drink ever.

And then off Mike, he'd go, Can you pour me away but Chris was to the end?

It's the worst drink ever.

Then we went on a little weekend away recently, and I had

Scroobius 2018, which was Slingsbury rhubarb gin.

Okay, and Pepsi Max.

Okay, yeah.

Chris had some of that and was like, he went quiet for a bit, and I was like, oh, something good going on here.

And then he had to reluctantly admit, he's like, that's really tasty.

That's a really, you've, you've turned a disgusting drink into a wonderful drink.

So I'll go for a Scroobious 2018, Slingsbury rabbi gin raspberry gin rhubarb gin Jesus and Pepsi Max so good serving of ice please sir will that go with your double will that go with the meal do you think yeah I think so

all of the flavours I have in my meal will punch through anything despite my statement earlier

about water they they they they stand alone they do absolutely well make a single or a double um a double a double why not yolo yeah is it a double, though?

Because it sounds like the sort of thing that's just home measures, so it probably ends up being a POSLOS.

It's just pour a bit.

Just pour some.

I'll let you in the kitchen again to make your own.

Behind the bar, this guy.

Take the night off with me.

Access to the whole restaurant.

Sit down, get comfy.

I like fizzy drinks when they go flat.

Yeah,

I have people look at me judgmentally when I pour myself a Pepsi Max because I just sling it.

Yeah.

And they go, you know, you meant to tilt the glass.

I was like, no, if I sling it, it fizzes up and then a lot of that fizz disperses, so I have it slightly more flat from the get-go.

It's why I pour from quite a height to get maximum explosion of fizz to soften it slightly.

Yeah, it's not an accident.

People

look at me as if I'm pouring Pepsi Max for the first time.

Yeah, which, let's face it,

is a possibility.

Come on, it's not mayonnaise.

Totally a possibility that whatever you're eating or drinking, it might be a first.

You didn't pour Pepsi Max until your 20s in Basildon.

Yeah.

As a Christmas present to you, mum.

Didn't pay for it.

Yeah.

So with this Screwbius 2018, do you want it a bit flat?

Yeah, yeah.

So pour it from a decent height.

A lot of ice.

Again,

dilutes it a little.

People like these ice cubes now that are kind of in plastic.

So it doesn't go.

I'm against it.

I'm against it.

It's like, no, I want the water.

That's part of it.

Yeah, and then the ice at the end, crunch the ice at the end.

I've had people as well, yeah, I'll have a bit of a crunch on the ice.

I mean, I'm normally topping up for round two, but absolutely.

You know, if we need to, yeah.

I've heard you can't just have one scrubious 28.

No, exactly.

No, no,

once you pip, you can't stip.

Yep, yep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll look at it as soon as I said it.

I like it.

So I'm not proud of that.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

I'll brand a new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade-In and MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

It's that time of year again, back to school season.

And Instacart knows that the only thing harder than getting back into the swing of things is getting all the back-to-school supplies, snacks, and essentials you need.

So, here's your reminder to make your life a little easier this season.

Shop favorites from Staples, Best Buy, and Costco all delivered through Instacart so that you can get some time back and do whatever it is that you need to get your life back on track.

Instacart, we're here.

So, dessert.

Yeah.

Licking my pen.

Now,

I'm going to ask you if you could to just quickly pop across to the cinema

because I want Ben and Jerry's.

Yeah.

But I have a specific three scoops from the scoop station.

And again, I've discussed this once or twice on the podcast and got a lot of laughter, but I do a bit of acting here as well because I know the three scoops I want.

Yes.

But I also know the order I want them in.

But that's a bit embarrassing to say.

So literally every time I go, I look as if I'm making my mind up.

When they go three scoops, I go, Oh, I'll have

chocolate fudge brownie because I don't want to say the three and then put them in the wrong order.

So I say, I'll have chocolate fudge brownie.

So that's the base.

Yeah.

And peanut

buttercup.

Yeah, absolutely.

Scooping up that for you now.

And then there's some variations because they did the

there's a there's essentially variations of cookie ones.

So it'll either be half baked or it'll be the cookie dough mix switch up.

And there's variations.

So whichever one of them it is is the

third scoop to go on top.

Yeah.

So that's good because you've got three flavours that complement each other, I would say, and that kind of belong in the same Ben and Jerry's family.

Whereas when I'm getting three scoops from the cinema, and I do always get three scoops,

I just want three

wildly different because it's like I'm asking for three different ice creams.

Yeah.

And so I go like I normally would go Cherry Garcia, right?

And I'd probably also have the

cinnamon bun one.

That's a good choice, though.

The cinnamon bun's good.

Yeah, and then and Ed is going to be furious, although

although Ed might recently come to the corner.

I've recently come around to it, but I'd get the chunky monkey.

Right.

I don't like

broadly, I don't like artificial banana flavour.

Okay.

I like a banana, but I don't think science has managed to capture the flavour of a natural banana in artificial flavouring yet.

Fair comment.

It's an interesting one because the small

banana sweets at Pickamix, the foam ones.

Yeah, I would say it's not recreating.

No, not just banana.

It's improving upon it.

Oh, wow.

It's improving upon the natural flavour.

You can push them over the edge of the bag.

You feel like

MyField Bananas have never managed to capture the taste of Cinema Pickamix foam bananas.

They've never managed to fully capture it and really

get the sugariness and get it across for me.

Yeah, it's a shame that the guy who invented bananas has not managed to capture

pick and mix.

Really not nailed it for the picker mixes.

It's terrible.

But yeah, I create them as if I'm making a Sunday, more than three individual flavoured ones.

But do you have sauce and stuff on them?

No, I don't go for sauce on that.

I don't think there's any need for that on Ben and Jerry's.

I think they make enough, there's enough in them.

There's enough.

The flavours there.

A sauce sauce is almost unnecessary.

My girlfriend used to work at a cinema, uh, using Ben and Jerry's stands, and I loved like there's a whole thing you have to go through training to get the scoop properly and stuff.

But was always very annoyed when someone would order one of those core ones, yeah, because there's so much stuff they have to do to get the core out and then put the sauce in and put more ice cream on top.

Yeah, that's cool.

I genuinely,

the last time, it's just giving me a little flashback to the last time I was genuinely speechless.

That I was in the I was having ice cream at the at the Cineweld in Leicester Square.

I remember the place.

Yeah, I'm not gonna say the member of staff's name, it stuck with me, she scarred me.

But I'm doing me, I'm doing my usual routine.

Yeah, I've gone, I'll have the chocolate fudge brownie.

Um, and she scooped that, and I've gone peanut buttercup.

And then she started to get it, and she struggled because of how frozen it is, which happens, that's a thing,

but then she's given up and said, It's too

frozen.

What What would you like instead?

No, it's not too frozen.

And I was just like,

because that was what I wanted.

Yeah.

That was it.

And I can see it there.

And she's like, it's too frozen.

Do you want a different one?

And I was like.

And that's not an excuse for not getting you an ice cream.

It's too cold.

I've genuinely been.

Yeah, exactly.

It's a bit cold.

I was genuinely, I didn't know what to do.

There was rage, but also politeness overcoming me because I'm in public.

And it was like,

it was a time I wanted a waiter kind enough to let me come round and serve myself.

I would have gone, I'll

the trailers haven't even started yet.

I can have 10 minutes on that.

I'll get a scoop out of that.

I was genuinely stunned.

I was like, Did you have a different one?

Did you replace it with that?

I did.

I'd replace because I'd cut.

Do you remember what you replaced it with?

Force the poor young lady to injure herself.

She had weak arms.

She's not made for scooping ice cream.

Yeah, interesting.

My girlfriend worked there for a couple of months, and after a couple of months, like had a more developed bicep on her right arm.

It's a fair scoop, but yeah,

it was tough.

I went straight

to the cookie one, and then I didn't know what I wanted on top of that because that's the ending.

In my panic, I've skipped to the end.

Did you go for another chocolate food colour?

I think I went for a chocolate mint one or something.

And mints are risky.

Well, it's still chocolate, so it's still mixes in, but yeah.

I thought

mint ice cream has become my favourite ice cream to have in a banana split.

And I know you probably won't like the bananas because they're not as good as

the original banana.

You can get a load of banana ice cream and shape it into the shape of a banana.

Yeah, but line up a bunch of foam banana pecker mix either side of some scoops and mister.

The beauty of foam bananas is they come already split.

That's the beauty of that creation.

You don't have to peel them.

And that's another way they've trumped the original banana.

They've improved upon it so much.

Right, so let's should we recap the meal?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think think we should do that.

I think that should be it.

Just make sure I've got this order right before I go to the kitchen.

Yeah, oh, so

are you taking the full order, including dessert, and then you're going to the kitchen?

Unconventionally.

Have you been hearing him eating?

No, you have not.

So, yeah, that's what I'm doing.

I want to make sure we get it all right, you see.

So, you would like poppa dumps to start and with four mango chutney dips.

Yes, please.

Um, and you would like a tap water?

Yes, thank you.

Uh, starter, I've got here um uh cheesy garlic bread.

I mean, I would have liked the tap water

before we started the 40-minute conversation of taking the full order but that's fine let's let's continue on

remember that for next time

starter you're cheesy garlic bread from pizza hut uh from three or four years ago with the mixed cheese yes correct in the box in the box in the box please yes um main course i've got here a meaty base written down a ham meaty base yes that's correct um and that's a medium you like that medium size yes thank you uh and with the side of hallumi fries from camden market yep thank you hold the pomegranates yeah hold them absolutely you're allowed to stay uh and the dessert we've got here uh the uh well your drink for one is the scroobius 2018 yes yes the 2018

yes

as fat as the good year for the scroobius yeah we've your own measure of gin yes uh and home measure of gin and then dessert we have uh popping on to the cinema and we're getting you uh three scoops of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in this order chocolate brownie and then peanut butter cup, and then whatever cookie one that you have.

Correct, correct.

That's that sounds like a great order.

I mean, that's perfect.

It's also, I've essentially asked for a job, really, because it's all stuff that I want to prepare myself.

Yeah,

specific measures, all of this.

Are you employing any taking on it?

Yeah,

you know what you like.

I know what I like.

If you were only allowed one of those things,

what would it be?

It would be the ice cream.

Because I have regularly had ice cream for breakfast.

I've had ice cream for lunch.

I've had ice cream for dinner.

My heart is beating.

It can be all three.

Yeah, you're really on James's page there.

I don't have a limit on ice cream.

Ice cream is something

when you hear of people having ice cream eating competitions, it's something that I'd like to get involved with because I've done two tubs of Ben and Jerry's in a row in an evening

for no competition.

I had one weekend where over the weekend I had, I think it was four tubs, but I counted, I got in late on the Friday night, so technically it was the Saturday.

But within 48 hours, I had four, maybe five tubs.

Wow.

Yeah, I don't have a limit on it.

Eating ice cream drunk is a real big danger for me.

If I get home and there's a tub of ice cream in the freezer, that is going to go.

And I'm going to wake up the next morning and I won't remember eating it.

And that will be what will really annoy me.

I basically just put all the calories in me and without any of the actual.

me and James went on holiday to New York together

a few months ago and he was determined to buy an ice cream cake.

I've never had one before.

Never had one before.

And then one night we were walking back and he went, I'm gonna go get an ice cream cake.

And this was about one in the morning.

We're like, I don't know where he's going.

He's gonna come back empty-handed.

He crashed through the door about half an hour later, holding a full family-sized Baskin Robbins ice cream cake.

Yes, just sat down and ate it with a spoon.

You see, my second choice on the desserts was

Millie's cookies do cookie cupcakes.

Oh, yeah.

And the cookies are great.

I love a good, good cookie.

A Millie's or a Ben's.

You know, I'm not, I like that.

They've got their own strengths.

But the cookie cupcakes, it's similar.

The beauty of it is it's all about the chocolate kind of fondant type stuff that's just in there.

Oh, yeah.

So it's similar.

You're just getting the cookie has become just a receptacle for a whole load of this icing.

Yes.

And it's, yeah, it's a beautiful thing.

I always like to think that Millie and Ben used to be married.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they split up and set up separate cookie operations.

Yeah, and Millie, I reckon they started Millie's together.

Yeah.

Because Ben took a while then because he's like, I can't just do the same.

And he came up with this thing of just having the chocolate in one big chunk.

But yeah, I think that's it.

I think they started Millies together and then split up.

And he's like, well,

popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

yep get a new phone on any plan with select phone trade-in and my plan and lock down a low price for three years on any plan with my plan this is a deal for everyone whether you're a new or existing customer swing by verizon today for our best phone deals

three-year price guarantee applies to them current base monthly rate only additional terms and conditions apply for all offers

Oh, I can't just make the cookies.

He had to get to get over the divorce and everything.

Well, you know what?

This is the first meal

we've done, and I think it's some solid choices.

I like how passionate you've been about

each of your selections.

Yeah.

And I think

it's going to be hard to beat.

I appreciate that.

Can I just give you

the one that got pushed off?

Because there was another chain.

There was another chain.

Honourable mention.

I like it.

That won't necessarily stay, but I think that's going to stay.

Ben's writing it down.

Producer Ben is writing it down on he writes down things he's got to cut out

or make jingles for.

So

years and years ago, not far from here, actually, off Leicester Square.

No, off Trafalgar Square,

there was a Wendy's burger place.

Do you remember Wendy's?

They did square burgers, and it was this real

handmade, just real nice.

The first time I toured America, they have Wendy's over there.

And I was like, everywhere.

I've got to go there.

And I went there every time and I've had In-N-Out burger over there.

All these ones that people hype, I think Wendy's is the best.

And Wendy's do a burger called the Baconator.

Okay.

Which is two, two, you've got a choice of two, three, or four patties.

Yeah.

Cheese, bacon, and ketchup.

And that's it.

But it's these square patties and it's, it's, it's delicious.

So I was tempted to go for the bacon at as the main, but it would have meant I couldn't have had the halloumi fries as the side because they also come with

baconator fries, which again, it's just a big tray of fries

smothered in cheese and bacon.

And it's just, I couldn't have added the two without the other.

So it's why.

So does

the side dish pushed it out rather than

the bacon at a fries are wonderful.

But yeah, it is that it's genuinely my big treat when I go to America.

It was that and Pinkberry for a while.

Oh, yeah.

The fries and frozen yellows.

Because again, they weren't over here at all.

And the particular spot in LA, there's a Wendy's there and the Pinkberry's like a five-minute walk, which in my mind has walked off the burger.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Especially if it's hot, you really feel like you're so balanced out.

And genuinely, the amount of times I've always going on my own.

Yeah, so I'm seeing mates.

I don't want to go somewhere nice or go somewhere special.

And it'll be every trip I've done to America now.

I'll go at some point, at least once, on my own.

And last time, it was the night I got there.

I'd got this really weird Airbnb experience where I got there and all the everything was had, everything had glowing lights underneath it.

So, all the surfaces had glowing lights.

He left a note: there were some guitars on the wall in case I want to vibe with that,

which made me incredibly uncomfortable.

And I was jet-lagged, and it had been this weird trip.

I literally, I walked out, and it was open all night that night.

And I just sat in there at midnight on my own, me and some homeless people who had had a bacon ata with bacon at a fries and a large drink.

And then I went back and vibed with that guy's guitar.

Lovely.

Oh, lovely.

Pink Berry's Grape says, Build your own Ben and Jerry's.

Yeah, that's what I found.

It basically is.

Really?

Yeah, there's cookie dough.

There's cookie dough, there's brownies, all sorts of stuff.

I really like it a lot.

It'd be more difficult to get your order, though.

Yeah.

Because you'd have to build three separate ice creams.

You'd have to do a lot of that.

Plus, actually, put some more frozen yogurt onto it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd have to walk in going, I'll be there in a minute, guys.

Three, please.

And then start my fictional order to me and my friends.

How many of your friends just come in?

No, no, no, no, no.

They're outside.

Three smalls.

And then you go, I'm just going to take these out to the guys and get the money and then never come back.

Yeah, you just go get in the car to your date who's waiting for you.

Just drive.

Just drive while I eat all three of these.

Oh, did you want something?

Thank you very much, Pip.

Thank you.

It's been okay.

Thank you very much.

You are welcome here anytime.

If you wanted to leave a tip for me, I'd appreciate it.

Here's the bill.

Thank you very much.

It's actually on Ed.

Ed's paying for it.

Excellent.

I don't think Pip needs to leave a tip because he's done all of the work himself.

Oh, yes, I'll tip you.

Here's a fine.

And Ed, can I interest you in a runner?

Let's go.

That was it.

Episode one.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Is that something we should do off the back of it?

Go, yum, yum, yum.

That hit the spot.

There we go.

So we've got one appetite to open every episode.

and then and then yum yum yum that hit the spot after every episode.

Perfect.

Good catchphrase.

What a great first guest.

Such a great first guest.

Very open, very gave us so much information on his choices, really let us delve into his mind and stomach.

I thought you were about to say he really let us down.

Oh no.

He did on the pomegranate side.

He said pomegranate, but then we let him stay in the restaurant because he agreed to have it not on

Hallumi for us, which is good.

I think that's gone very well, James.

And I think this is the start of a beautiful podcast.

I think so.

I feel like it's the start of a beautiful podcast.

I think everyone, I mean, you know, why can't you, if you act like that, why are you listening to podcasts?

That's great.

And if we keep booking guests of that caliber, I think we're really going to last.

Yeah, we have got some absolute humdingers lined up.

We've got some real humdingers lined up.

So if you enjoyed it, please subscribe on iTunes or wherever you listen to your podcasts.

Write reviews.

That's important, isn't it?

Tweet about it.

Tweet about it.

Yeah.

Tell your friends.

Let us know what your favourite dishes are.

Yeah.

Direct all that to James.

Let James know what your favourite dishes are.

Yeah.

And if you disagree with any of the favourite dishes that our guests have picked.

Absolutely.

The main thing is subscribe on iTunes, share it around, tell your friends.

Play it loudly in restaurants.

Also, why not listen to Scooby's Pips podcast?

Distraction pieces.

You are good at plugging, man.

Pretty good at plugging.

Yeah.

If you like James Acaster, which you really should,

he's got four comedy specials on Netflix.

I have.

Not bad for a Genie Waiter.

Now, that is going to get...

If you've not seen James's specials, things are going to get even more confusing when you watch them.

James Acustor, Genie Waiter, Undercover Cop, Jury Service.

Try and unpick it.

Enjoy those.

But for now, that was episode one of Off Menu with a Gumman and James A.

Custer.

We will see you next time with another fantastic guest and more yummy treats.

Oh, I want.

No, I can't say that.

You don't want to end on more yummy treats?

More yummy treats.

I sound like a perv.

It does sound a little bit pervy, actually.

I don't really know how to help you out of that one, Ed.

Well, we'll just finish now and I hope no one heard that bit.

Yeah, people may have switched off before now.

Sorry about the yummy treats, everyone.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.