Stop Chasing Love! (How to Shift Your Mindset to Start Attracting It) With Tinx

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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

Today's episode is a little different because instead of hosting, I'm the guest.

I join Tinks on her show Office Hours for a deep and insightful conversation where I answer some of the most thought-provoking questions about relationships, dating, and the stresses of life.

I always love these conversations because I feel like the questions that she's asking me are what some of you are asking me.

It's what you're worried about.

It's what you're thinking about.

So if you're struggling with dating right now, if you're struggling with your relationships right now, if you're struggling with a breakup, this episode is for you.

If you're navigating a big life decision, a big life transition, feeling overwhelmed with the news and what's happening around you, this episode is for you.

I hope you enjoy it.

The number one health and wellness podcast.

Jay Shetty.

Jay Shetty.

The one, the only Jay Shetty.

Welcome to Office Hours.

It's so nice to have you on.

Thanks for having me.

I'm so grateful to be here.

This is so exciting.

God, I love Calm.

I have to say, I love that app.

Even though I'm not a meditator, we'll get into that later.

I have to say that app is like one of the most used on my phone.

How has that experience been for you that makes me so happy yeah i joined calm as their chief purpose officer three years ago now and it all came from this beautiful friendship i had with the founders of calm so michael acton smith and alex they both founded the app and we kept hearing from both our worlds that i should connect with them and they were hearing that they should connect with me and we got together and it's been incredible to record a seven minute meditation five days a week every week for the last three years.

Wow.

And so if someone wants to build a meditation practice there's seven minutes a day set up for you every single day that's so cool that's amazing do they do you can do you are you sort of like a consultant as well for them do they bounce ideas off of you and yeah we'll discuss everything from what we're expanding with how the brain's looking in looking into health right now i love it we've been having so many amazing conversations i'm so proud of i mean what we've been able to create together but what they've done because it's really showed us how meditation can be stories and can be walks and can be practices.

So true.

And that's what I loved.

I didn't want people to have this limited view of what meditation was.

I wanted them to have this really practical, alive view of it.

I know.

It's incredible to see that.

It's funny that you say that because I'm someone who's like, you know, when you have a pet and you have to put their medicine in peanut butter to get them to eat the pill, like that's me with meditation.

I'm like, I don't meditate.

You know, I don't meditate.

It's too hard for me.

But with calm, I actually am able to, I do it because that's what meditating is.

It's, you know, breath work and thinking about, you know, clearing your mind, but I really need the calm app.

So that's so interesting.

We can actually dive in right there.

Like, what do you recommend for someone who is stuck with meditation aside from calm or talk about a little bit more about calm who thinks that meditation simply won't work for them?

Because I guess that's kind of me.

I mean, I do calm.

I use the, I like the sleep, going to sleep ones.

Every single night I listen to it.

And if I'm anxious on the plane, I listen.

There's a lot of great short ones on, on the app.

But for someone who wants to really get into meditation, who feels stuck, what would you say?

Yeah, I find it so funny when people come up to me and they're like, you put me to bed every night.

And I love that feeling.

It's such a nice feeling.

And having that intimate space with someone.

But for anyone who's struggling with meditation, the first thing I'd say is everyone struggles with meditation.

It's almost like trying to work out.

I feel like you would never.

I imagine you can meditate for just like perfectly and you're so good at it.

And sometimes I even think about when I see like you on Instagram or whatever, I'm like, that guy meditates so well.

I know it, but it's just, it's hard.

It's been nearly 20 years.

So I better meditate well now.

I know, but I just, I automatically think of the to-do list.

When I try to do it with no calm app, I'm like, oh my God, I have to call the plumber.

Oh my God, I have to do that.

It's just so hard to kick into it.

But I really love calm.

So maybe it's about marrying the two.

So I want to share a few things.

The first thing is that there's three types of meditation.

There's breath breath work, there's visualization, and there's mantra.

And I'll explain all three.

And I was trained in all three during my time as a monk.

And so I love helping it be a menu for people because I think sometimes people just don't know where to start.

And so I remember my first day in the monastery in India.

And I saw a young monk teaching younger monks how to meditate.

And so I walked up to this young monk and asked him, what are you doing?

And he said, it's their first day of school.

I'm teaching them how to breathe.

And I said, okay.

And he said, what did you learn on your first day of school?

And I said, maybe one, two, three, ABC, I don't know.

And he said, well, here we teach them how to breathe because the only thing that stays with you from the moment you're born to the moment you die is your breath.

And he said, everything else changes.

Your family, your friends, where you live, all of that can change, but the breath stays with you that whole time.

And then he said to me,

What changes when you're happy?

Your breath.

What changes when you're sad?

Your breath.

What changes when you're late?

Your breath.

What changes when you're angry?

Your breath.

And he said, every emotion in your life is connected to your breath.

So if you learn to master your breath, you learn to master life.

Now, he was 10 years old and something like that, like 10, 11 years old, and sharing all this wisdom.

And the reason why I love that story is because you stop looking at meditation as this thing you have to do.

And you recognize it's actually a way of living.

It's who you are.

You have your breath.

And if you look at the best athletes, the best musicians, the best people out there in the world doing incredible things, they've all learned to master their breath.

You can't run for that long without knowing your breath.

You can't play a wind instrument for that long without mastering your breath.

And when you look at it that way, you recognize we're all athletes.

We all require and demand so much of our bodies.

And so, for anyone who's struggling to start with meditation, my tiny request is just notice how you inhale and notice how you exhale.

And so, if we inhale together right now, tinks together,

you could probably feel something happening in your nostrils.

You can feel the change of your body.

And the practice I like people to get comfortable with is as you're listening to this, if you can, of course, if you're not, if you're driving, don't do this, or if you're on the treadmill, maybe don't do this.

But place your left palm on your stomach.

And as you breathe in, feel your stomach come out.

And as you breathe out, feel feel your stomach go in

as you breathe in feel your stomach go out

and as you breathe out feel your stomach go in

now tinks were you thinking about what you're gonna eat later no I wasn't

I really wasn't you went right yeah what's beautiful about it is we use the sense of touch Yeah, so we were touching our stomachs.

We could feel something changing.

And I think sometimes we think meditation is in the mind.

But what I like to remind people is that meditation is a very physical, feelable thing.

And so both of us there for a second felt everything stop, felt everything slow down and felt disconnected even from the space we were in.

And so use all your senses, light some incense if you like, so that the sense of smell is engaged.

Hold your stomach, hold on to something if that helps you feel connected.

Don't feel like you have to do it all in your head.

Yeah.

Wow.

No, it's so true.

That's my favorite part of the sleeping meditation meditation that I do from the Call Map is like breathe in, you know, then hold and breathe out.

And it's, it's crazy the power of breath.

Because even just doing those two breaths now did calm me down, kind of refocus.

Like I was running from something.

I'm kind of, you know, mine's all over the place as usual.

We're all doing a million things.

And we don't think about breathing that much and we don't, we don't focus on it, but it's incredible the power of just a few breaths that can transform your moment.

Absolutely.

Our usual experience of life is our mind is moving fast and our body is sitting still.

So true.

Our mind is racing from the moment we're up and our body is sitting in a chair.

And what meditation teaches you to do is still your mind so that you can move your body.

And that's what we need to get to.

We need to get to a place where we're moving our body, stilling our mind as opposed to the other way around.

And I completely agree with you that if anyone,

I think the best time to use it is use it when you feel like you just rush to jump onto that train.

Right.

Or when you were just rushing into that Uber or when you were just rushing into a meeting.

Take a second to just do three deep inhales and exhales.

And all of a sudden, you'll start to gain confidence in it.

I think people think meditation has to be something you do.

outside of your real life.

I think about it completely the opposite.

I do it in the back of Ubers.

I do it when I'm on trains.

I like that.

I do it when I'm running into a meeting and I'm feeling out of breath or late.

I'm doing it in my life.

And I think that's a great way to start because it builds your confidence.

It gives you some momentum rather than, oh, I haven't meditated today.

Yes.

It's like, no, I, I just used breath because my breathing was faster, shallow, and more random when I was feeling tired, anxious, or nervous.

Yeah.

No, okay.

Well, so maybe I do meditate a little bit because I do, I have been doing that lately.

I do, I try to do three really just intentional breaths because, you know, with the phone, our minds are really, it's a lot.

Like there's this trend on social media right now where people are like, unfortunately, my brain can no longer tell the difference between getting an email and being chased by a bear.

And it's like, I totally feel that, you know, and I feel like our nervous systems are kind of all out of whack.

We're looking at the phone all the time.

We're obsessed with the news updates and everything.

And it's like, and you're right.

And usually we're sitting in a car or we're sitting in our desk or whatever.

And you start to freak out.

And then you you just go, Okay, no, I'm here.

I'm going to do three breaths and then I'm going to move on.

On that point, I do want to ask you: there is just 24/7 news.

It's a bombardment, a lot of negativity.

And a lot, I know a lot of people in my community are feeling super, super overwhelmed right now.

So, aside from intentional breathing meditation,

how would you suggest people

dose themselves on the news?

Or

how do you personally filter your, the information you receive so that you're informed, but you're not freaking out?

Yeah, I think

I read something that said, we're exposed to more tragedy in 24 hours today than we were in our whole lifetime 25 years ago.

That's crazy.

And if you think about that for a second, it feels true.

We consume around 34 gigabytes of data per day.

Do you remember when your hard drive wasn't even one gigabyte?

and when you're looking at that just to make it make sense for people i read an article that was saying that's like reading a hundred thousand words every day it's crazy it's like watching 25 episodes of stranger things in one day yeah just back to back to back so we're consuming so much information and like you said not all of it's helpful a lot of it's news notifications negativity noise and i call these the four ends they put us into a minus state every time a notification comes in, you're like minus one energy.

Wow.

Negativity comes in minus two energy.

News comes in minus three energy.

And the rest of the day, you're literally climbing back up to zero.

Yes.

And that's exactly how I feel.

That's how you feel, right?

You feel inundated and you almost feel buried by these four ends.

You feel buried by notifications, negativity, news, and noise.

So what do you do about it?

For me,

And I know this sounds bizarre, but it has changed my life and I have to bring it up.

There has to be be a way that the first five minutes of your day are not on your phone.

Okay.

And whether that's getting a hatch, which is what I've been using right next to my bedside,

which has this natural light alarm that wakes you up.

And again, I hate the word alarm.

Let's just think about this for a second.

The only time an alarm helps you is when there's a fire or when there's something going wrong,

which means the fact that you wake up to an alarm or an alert means something bad's about to happen.

So if your alarm tone doesn't fill you with calm or fill you with stillness, change it.

The second thing I'd say is that that morning five minutes, 30 minutes if you can, is so powerful.

And I'll tell you why.

Your brain's just waking up.

You would never let 100 people into the bedroom of your mind, right?

Just think about that for a second.

You would never let 100 people into your bedroom before you've brushed your teeth, washed your hair or put on your makeup.

But me and you, all of us, let in 100 people into the bedroom of our mind as soon as we pick up our phone.

Now, all of a sudden, imagine a hundred people, your family, your friends, your boss crowded around your bed, yelling things at you.

Did you get that report in?

Oh, what do you think of this picture I'm about to post?

Oh, you forgot to wish your uncle a happy birthday, right?

Whatever it is.

And all of a sudden, everyone's yelling at you.

And your day's starting on a negative, your day's starting on being reactive.

So what I try and focus on doing, especially with news, because that's what your question was about,

I believe it's so important that news doesn't find us.

Wow.

I think we live in a world where most of us don't find news or look for news.

News finds us, which means it appears on our feed.

It means we have the news channel on our television at home or on a screen open on our laptop without us even wanting it.

We don't go and search for it.

It's just there in the background of our life.

And if news is the background of your life, tragedy is at the forefront of your life.

That's the first thing you're seeing.

And so what I'd say to people is be really clear about who you get your news from, what time of day you feel comfortable consuming news.

When someone tells me they have anxiety, the first two questions I ask them is, what did you watch last night?

Wow.

And when did you last consume the news?

Those are the telltale signs.

They tell me they watched a murder mystery last night

or something like that or some true crime.

And then then they tell me they just checked the news so i'm not telling you to not be informed we're trying to save you from being overwhelmed so for me i find the time i'm best at dealing with the news is three hours after i've woken up okay because that gives me the time to set my day up so that i have a strong foundation and a strong place from which to process difficult, sad, tough, challenging news.

As opposed to if I'm looking at it immediately, now I'm already thinking, gosh, gosh, today's going to be the worst day.

This is terrible.

Where's everything going?

I haven't had a moment.

And it's almost like thinking about it from the perspective of when do you feel comfortable dealing with something challenging?

When do you feel strong enough to say, okay, I'm ready to deal with the day now?

And I think for me, that takes three hours to do it.

And I don't try and do it just before I go to bed either.

Right.

Because that's really challenging.

So pick who you read your news from.

Find your news.

Don't let it find you.

Be really clear about about what type of news.

Do you like social media news or do you actually prefer reading news from a website?

And do you like watching the news on TV or are you someone who actually just wants to read a newsletter?

I think it's so important that we trade and make these choices rather than letting the news bombard us when it wants, how it wants, and wherever it wants.

That was really helpful practical advice.

I really like finding the news versus letting it find you.

Because I've personally been struggling with that too.

And I I really, really like that.

And the timing thing.

I'm really bad about the phone first thing in the morning and I need to fix that because it's just such a, it is such a clear difference.

When you don't do the phone first thing, you feel better.

And we lie to ourselves.

We say, oh, well, maybe something happened overnight that I need to know.

Nothing happened.

Nothing.

It's exactly what you said.

It's you forgot to wish your uncle happy birthday.

Your boss needs something.

Nothing happened.

Like you would know.

And I think that's a big lie I tell myself.

And I really want to be better about that.

And we all do that.

I empathize with that.

Tinks.

Like, I think that's real, especially for those of us who live away from family, who are not close.

I know my wife feels that way.

Yeah.

It's a real thing.

So I want to validate that.

I don't think it makes you weak or not strong.

I think we all have that.

And I think the reality is let's find a way of getting that news, that very, very important news, whether it is you going back to having a landline or whether it is you having two separate phones, one you wake up with near your bed that only your emergency contact and your family member has access to and nothing else is on there.

There's ways of doing it in a way that protects us and protects the people we love.

So I don't want to, you know, invalidate that feeling because that's real as well.

Totally.

Okay, so on the topic of morning routines, I feel like you're a guy who has a very,

I need to know in detail the morning routine.

Like aside from no phone, walk me through waking up the first hour, couple hours.

So I'll walk you through my morning routine and then I'll break it down into how I think people can use it in their life.

Because I don't think my morning routine should be a standard and no one's morning routine should be a standard.

So, I wake up around 6 a.m.

every day.

That's my time that I feel happy and comfortable doing consistently.

That's five days a week.

I always look at every routine in my life as five days a week.

I don't believe it has to apply to my weekends because I feel that there's a recovery and rest that's massively needed on a weekend or whatever your weekend tends to be.

So

I wake up at 6 a.m.

I'm usually in my meditation room meditating by 6.15.

And so 6 to 6.15 is brushing my teeth, showering, just getting ready, putting on some comfy clothes.

And for me, the thing that's helped me most in the morning is I have a little post-it note.

next to my bed and I'll put different questions on it that mean something to me.

So the first thing I see in the morning is a question.

And the question is as simple as, what are you grateful for today?

Or the question is, what are you excited about today?

Or the question is, how are you feeling?

And what I find is those questions allow me to start off the day proactively about me rather than reactively to everything I have to do.

And so those, those post-it notes remind me to be before I do anything.

Who do I want to be?

What is my being about today?

The question could say, who what are you hoping to channel today?

And I can say love or kindness or whatever it may be.

And all of a sudden, I'm set for the day.

And then I'll put on some, it could be bird sounds, it could be mantra music, it could be something that's super calming, almost like spa music.

Like I'll be literally getting ready to that.

And then 6:15, I'm meditating.

So I meditate for one and a half hours to two hours every day.

Usually an hour and a half is in the morning.

So 6:15 to 7.45, I'm meditating.

And then 8 a.m., I start working out.

And so 8 a.m.

to 9 a.m., I'm working out.

What's your workout?

That's changed over time.

It used used to be tennis.

It's been pickleball.

It was hiking.

Now it's strength training because every podcast guest I talk to keeps talking about the value of strength.

And I'm in that decade that everything matters in.

So all I've been doing is strength training for the past six months now, probably consistently, but three probably really consistently.

And so that becomes an hour.

And then 9 a.m.

I start, I eat some breakfast and start my day.

And it's a savory breakfast because I've had too many guests talk about glucose spikes.

So my whole life is a savory breakfast.

So by 9 a.m., that's when I feel I have a strong foundation to start my day.

I love that.

I know.

So many people talk about the savory breakfast.

It's huge.

It's huge.

I know.

And again,

you feel the difference.

I think, you know, the annoying thing about all of this stuff is that it really does work.

And then so it's just like, you know, I try to be so real with my community and pass on these tips and talk to experts like you.

But, you know, sometimes you fall off and that's okay.

And so I really like what you said about the weekends too, because I think when you're only looking at something for doing it five days or four days or whatever, you know, your week looks like, it's nice because then you have a little bit of that leeway time.

And it's okay.

It's, it's okay.

I think

with all of these practices that are, you know, aimed to make us feel better, I think.

The point is they have to make us feel better.

So it's like if your routine is getting to a point where, you know, it's it's not sustainable, you guys, it's okay to be like, okay, well, I need to change this.

I need an extra half hour of sleep.

I like what you said about, you know, that's when you're comfortable, you know, you have to figure it out.

And that's, it also changes over time, too.

So I like that.

Yeah, you want it to be the exception and not the rule.

I look at it as 70%.

Yeah.

I want 70% of my week.

to be as optimal, as healthy as possible.

And then the 25 to 30% that's left over, I'm okay for that to be more mixed up.

So five days a week, I'll have a savory breakfast.

It does make a difference as someone coming from a former sugar addict.

Right.

Like, I used to wake up wanting to eat a sugary breakfast and then eat something sugary at lunch and then have something sugary in the evening.

Having a savory breakfast has completely curbed that desire and it's setting me up not to have those crazy crashes later on in the day.

And now, my energy is actually sustained throughout the day as well.

I love Glucose Goddess.

Yeah, me too.

Love Jessie.

Her book.

And like, I, you know, that is something I haven't met her in in person, but her teachings really had an impact on the way that I eat.

And again, I've fallen off right now.

I'm kind of in an off period, but just having that knowledge is so helpful.

I really think she's smart.

I agree.

Okay, switching gears a little bit.

You have this super, super successful podcast.

What's one interview that took you by surprise?

I'm waiting for you to come on, Tate.

Okay, well, I know we need to do it.

We need to do it.

Come on.

Say that again.

What's an interview or a guest that took you by surprise?

Ooh, that's a great question.

Who took me by surprise?

I'd say the person who took me most by surprise was Brian Chesky, who's the founder of Airbnb and the CEO of Airbnb.

And the reason is because

I thought that he might have the archetype of a tech founder.

Yeah.

Because that's what he's done.

And so I wasn't sure.

And I try very hard to not go in to any interview having any judgment.

Sure.

But at the same time, there's a certain archetype that you expect to meet or that you expect to converse with.

And when I met him, I realized that he's an artist and a designer

in a tech person's body.

You've met Brian.

I've met Brian, and it's so true.

And I listened to that interview, and it was a great interview.

You, you really, it was an amazing conversation between you two.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's easily one of my favorites because I think it shows you, I think there's a lot of people out there right now who are artists and designers who are thinking, well, I can't find a company or a build a tech company or I can't work at a company like that because I don't know coding or engineering.

And it's like, well, no, no, no, no, no.

You can be an artist in a tech company.

That's what Steve Jobs was.

That's what Brian Chesky is.

And that's why I love Brian so much.

He reminded me

of the closest thing we have to a Steve Jobs visionary type

of someone who just thinks so outside the box.

He was super vulnerable about his love life, his relationships.

He's 40 years old.

He's a billionaire, but he was looking for love.

And I thought it was so brave of him to be so open about that.

And yeah, I love him.

He's become a great friend.

He's an awesome guy.

That was great.

Yeah, that was the most surprising one.

Yeah.

You go really deep with your guests.

Do you ever find yourself getting emotional when you're interviewing people?

I can get really emotional.

Like, I think the most emotional I get is at weddings.

I was just at my friend's wedding two weeks ago.

Okay.

And this was a wedding I was just attending.

But when I'm officiating weddings, I'm so scared that I'm going to ruin the ceremony because I'm going to cry.

so i've got to stand there in my head i'm going don't cry don't cry don't cry and that's what i do in the podcast too because i feel that people are so genuinely expressing something that they may never have shared somewhere else before or it's really hard and courageous and brave of them to go there and my heart i almost feel like crying sometimes or i'd have to stop myself from crying because I'm not even crying because of what they're sharing, so emotional.

It's because I respect the bravery.

I respect the courage it takes to put your life out there.

And you do that.

I respect you for doing it.

So many of our peers, so many of our friends do that.

I respect them for doing it because it's a really courageous act.

It's a really difficult thing to do.

And so my tears are almost preempting the fact that

when you open up, there's going to be so many different reactions and responses.

And I feel really grateful that people trust me to do that with.

And I mean, you know, yeah, I think one that was amazing was Tom Holland when he opened about his sobriety journey.

That was another one I listened to.

That was great.

And he was just amazing because the amount, the hundreds of thousands of messages we've had from that episode saying you helped me or Tom helped me get through my sobriety or get back on or have more grace for myself.

And then you cry because of that message because you're thinking about all the people that are affected.

So there's a lot of crying in private because

it's great.

I think it's great.

I think people feel really safe with you.

And I think your vulnerability like inspires vulnerability in your guests so it is just really really really good work okay so if if someone was new to your podcast what's a standout interview that they should start with

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I would have said Brian, but now that I've said it already, let me think.

You've interviewed everyone amazing.

Which one have you listened?

It sounds like you've been listening somewhere.

No,

I think I thought the Brian was great.

The Tom one is great.

My friend Claudia was just on your podcast.

She was awesome.

She was great and was super vulnerable, which is a side of her that people don't see that often.

So it was great.

Yeah, Claudia was amazing.

She was exactly like what I I was just describing.

Yeah.

I had to hold back my tears.

I'd say if someone was new to my podcast and they had to listen to one, it's such a great question.

Let me think.

I want to give a really thoughtful answer to one that

would really have an impact.

Oh, there's, there's a couple

that I think I really loved.

One, one that I'd say that stands out to me, and I say it because it was such a

shifting moment for our show.

It was Kendall Jenner on the show.

And it's because she hadn't really done that many interviews at that time.

And she hadn't really, I don't even know if she'd done a podcast at that time.

And she doesn't really

format all that.

And we had this amazing conversation.

And it was such a pivotal moment for the show that it stands out for me.

And so I'd say, listen to that one.

I love that.

And yeah, yeah, pick that one.

Who's someone you haven't interviewed who you still want to interview?

I'm waiting for you.

I wanna interview you.

Of course, of course.

I mean that.

I genuinely mean that.

Waiting for you.

And then, I mean, I've always said my number one pick is Cristiano Ronaldo.

Oh my God, that would be amazing.

That's my number one pick.

I'll manifest for you because I would love to listen to that conversation.

I really don't, I don't think I've seen him in many interviews.

He hasn't.

It's definitely a language barrier, too, of course.

Learning to get the best out of him.

He's had a couple of great ones over 10 years ago now, interviews that really

spoke to him.

So, yeah, that's, and I'm a Manchester United fan.

Okay.

I would be like high-fiving my 15-year-old self-encera.

I love that.

I'll do that.

Okay.

So, you talk a lot about love.

So, I want to get your opinion on a few things.

So, do you think that we all have one soulmate or multiple loves of your life?

This is a debate we have in my community all the time.

I love that.

I think you'll fall in love with three different people in your life.

Oh, okay.

The first is the firework.

It's big, it's loud, it lights up the sky, but it fades away.

The second is the candle.

It's slower, it's quieter,

it has a longer shelf life, but eventually you might leave it because it doesn't have the spark.

And the third one is the mirror, the one that shows you all your flaws, shows you a reflection, and shows you who you truly are.

And the firework will probably fade off its own accord, or the firework will probably fade itself.

The candle, you might leave before it fades.

And the mirror, you might think it's broken because you don't like what you see.

And so I think we often hop and jump and skip between all three of these

because it doesn't fulfill one part of us.

One doesn't have the spark, one doesn't have the longevity, and one is too honest.

And I think I've been in love with all three in my life.

What I found was that the mirror was the most powerful one

because as soon as I didn't realize the mirror was broken and it was showing me exactly who I am, which is what my wife's done for me.

And as long as the person holding the mirror is compassionate and empathetic and not shoving it in your face, but holding it kindly there.

It can be the most beautiful relationship that you'll ever have.

But I don't believe in the one soulmate soulmate that you're destined to be with because I really think that there's a soulmate for each frequency you operate at.

So there's a soulmate for your lowest frequency, which when you're operating on that frequency, you'll find really attractive.

But as soon as you upgrade to your mid-frequency, you'll think to yourself, how was I ever with that person?

And then you have that frequency.

And then you have your soulmate of your highest frequency, which you could argue is your ultimate soulmate.

But that requires you to step up up

and do that work.

And so I think you'll find a soulmate.

And if you think about even the word soulmate,

I really believe that a soulmate is a mate for your soul.

And that could be a friend.

It could be a romantic partner.

And that lower vibration, that lower frequency soulmate is almost like a cellmate, a prison mate.

I love that.

That kind of keeps you stuck.

And I think a lot of us can empathize with having lived with a cellmate for some time where you thought you were in love, but actually you were in prison and you were being held back from your potential.

You were being trapped based on what you believed was possible for you.

And maybe you settled for less than you deserve because you believed that was your soulmate and cellmate for life.

And so I want people to be much more freer with knowing that your real partner is out there and they're not.

this perfect person and they're not this person that has it all together and they're not going to show you the best parts of yourself either.

This idea that the best person will bring out the best of me, they'll show you the worst of you so that you can bring out the best of yourself.

That's what we're trying to work on.

And my wife's definitely done that for me.

The key is they do it in a non-judgmental, empathetic, and loving way.

Not in a way that's like, I see all your flaws

and pointing them out in a, in a manipulative or controlling way.

Sure, sure.

How long have you guys been married?

We've been married this year for nine years and together for 12.

How'd you guys meet?

oh gosh so we tell the full story on the first ever episode of my podcast

actually if you want to know

yeah that's the first one start with that yeah that's probably the right answer i love that okay um but yeah we we met before i became a monk okay uh i was serving at my local temple in london okay because i was training in my final year of a college knowing that i was going to do that And I met a woman who was around my mom's age and I was asked to show her around with some chores and services and I showed her around and at the end of it she said I have a daughter that I'd love to introduce to meditation and spirituality she's around your age would you connect with her and I said well I'm going to become a monk so I'll introduce her to my sister because they were a similar age that happens to be my wife's mom no and she brought in my wife like a week later to introduce me to her I'd asked my sister to come along I saw my wife, this is like years ago now.

I thought she was absolutely stunning and beautiful and was like, no, focus on being a monk, focus, focus, focus.

And then when I came back from being a monk three years later, her and my sister were best friends.

And so my sister was

our matchmaker in the end and stuff.

That's the short word.

That's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

I think a lot of people listening to that story who are single might think, I would love to meet someone organically like that.

That's the dream.

You know, that doesn't happen anymore.

So I'm curious.

what you would say to someone who is having that thought.

And then secondly, if you could give your thoughts on dating apps, because I think a lot of people in my community are feeling pretty drained from them right now.

And, you know, my belief is that things like your story, natural connections, meeting people still happen.

And

the dating apps can be great, but they've also made us believe that that stuff doesn't happen.

But it does.

Like, we still go live in the world.

We still meet someone's mom who has a cute daughter.

Like, we still do all that stuff.

So, I'm just curious your thoughts.

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Yeah, I think times are changing too.

Like if you look at it 25, 30, maybe even longer now, you know, 50 years ago, most people met someone who lived in one mile radius from where they grew up.

So you'd get introduced to someone through your parents or through your friends, or maybe you'll bump into them while walking to your building or whatever it was.

And I think we always romanticize things in the past.

Okay.

And I want to point that out because I think we all have this.

And by the way, we have this as humans.

We always say the good old days.

In my time, things were amazing and you know you're old when you start saying stuff like that like oh the music when i grew up was really better than today's music i said and by the way 20 years from now people will be saying that about sabrina carpenter and being like when i had you know yeah and so it's like the same thing that goes round and round and so first of all i like to just cut out this nostalgic false belief because what it does is it gives you a safety blanket of being like, oh, back in the day, things were amazing.

Today it's worse.

And I think, I mean, you could look at that.

You could cut that and slice that both ways in the world and not.

There'll be plenty of historians and researchers who say today's better than ever.

And some will say it's harder than ever.

And ultimately, when it comes to dating, I think the point is that mindset doesn't help.

And so, yes, I really believe that what people are looking for, and I did this last week.

So it's funny you ask.

I became match's relationship advisor, match.com's relationship advisor last year.

And the reason I did that was because I developed a core values test in my book, Eight Rules of Love, two years ago.

And I wanted to partner with an app that would help people match based on core values.

My goal wasn't that you should have the same values.

My goal was your values should be something you're aware of.

I think too many people are with people that they find out their values three years later.

Wow.

Oh my gosh, you wanted to have kids?

I had no idea.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

You wanted to become an entrepreneur and quit your steady job?

I had no idea.

Oh, I didn't realize you actually want to live.

in the farm and not at the city like no idea we're just so unaware of these very big things about someone and so we did this event last week in LA on Thursday night it was for a hundred singles in LA

and I was really excited to see how it went and the goal was for people to meet in person but with that ethos and I started out with this experiment where I was standing in the middle of the room I was surrounded by a hundred singles and I read out loud I statements and if it applied to them they had to step forward and if it didn't apply to them they stood where they were okay so imagine a hundred people surrounded and I read out the the first one, which was something like, I consistently miss red flags.

And a bunch of people stepped forward.

I asked them what red flags they missed.

And people were honest, but tiptoeing.

Sure.

And then I asked another question and it got deeper every time.

So the next question I asked was something like,

I sometimes forget my friends in a relationship.

So when I'm dating someone, I forget about my friendships.

And it was so funny because this group of girls were there with their friend and they all pushed this friend forward.

Oh my gosh.

And I love the honesty.

I was like, this is hilarious.

And all all three of the friends were like, yeah, she always does that.

And then I gave her the mic and she goes, yes, I'm the friend that losed my friend.

And I was like, how beautiful.

And then it got really deep.

And then I asked the question, I've been

cheated on by an ex.

And people stepped forward and shit.

The reason I'm sharing this is what I found was that all of these people at every stage were willing to be vulnerable.

It took a second.

It took a beat.

It took a moment.

It wasn't straight off the bat.

People tiptoed forward at the start.

At the end, people were coming forward and opening their hearts.

And what I realized is that the reason why we think online dating doesn't work is because we want instant intimacy.

We want instant vulnerability.

We want instant openness.

And even that night, I had to wait and be patient for people to feel safe with me, with each other, with the space.

And I think that's what we should be focusing on is can I create a safe space where someone feels they can be that way with me?

The other thing I'd say for anyone who's feeling exhausted with the apps, again, is I'm not surprised.

Of course you are.

It's exhausting to be rejected, reject, accept, move forward, ghosted, whatever it may be, everything in between.

But I'd say the real challenge is not the app and it's our mindset.

And what I mean by that is we live, when we're dating, we live in one of two states.

We're either passive, so we say things like, it will happen when it happens.

I'm not worried right now.

Secretly, we're really scared and insecure and pretending, right?

And the other side is we're pressured.

Oh my gosh, did you see that person just got engaged?

I'm 35.

How am I still single?

There's all this pressure.

So we live in being passive or feeling pressure.

And really, what I was saying to everyone that night and what my goal for everyone listening today would be is I want you to be in a state of peace.

Peace with your past, peace with your present and peace about your future.

Because guess what?

Pressure doesn't attract love.

How could pressure ever attract love?

And how could being passive ever attract love?

So how do you get peace?

Peace is saying, I know what happened in my past wasn't a waste of time.

It hurt.

It was painful.

It was the worst, but it wasn't a waste of time because it showed me who I don't want to be with and who I don't want to become.

And by the way, I'm not going to put pressure on myself.

Because I actually believe that when I live in a state of peace and calm, I'm now operating at that frequency that attracts a peaceful and calming relationship into my life.

Whereas if I feel pressure, I'll attract drama.

And if I'm passive, I'll attract trauma.

But if I'm at peace, I'll attract someone who's calm and I'll attract someone who's matching my frequency.

Yeah.

Sorry, God.

No, I'm nodding.

If you're listening to this, I'm nodding crazy in a crazy way because I agree so much.

I think I'm at peace.

I really do.

I had a dating coach.

I feel like I'm at peace.

I know.

I think the dating coach I had on recently and she was like, maybe you're, you're secretly like, cause I said something like, I'm really,

I said something like, if when it happens, it will happen.

But I genuinely feel very at peace for the first time really in the past, I don't know, only like the past couple months, I feel really good.

Like I feel so, you know, as you said, my past is my past for a reason.

It got me to where I am today.

And in the future, you know, I'm excited, but I'm also just grateful for where I am now.

I think a big problem that I have with the dating culture and like the way that we view finding

the one or whatever partner is that it really like encourages people to forget to be grateful for where they are.

And for me, I focus so much on creating a life that I love so that, you know, to your previous point, that I'm vibrating at my highest point that I can be.

So that, you know, I love the saying, like water seeks its own level, and so I always think about that.

I'm like, I want to be up here when I run into another person who I'm compatible with, and they're up here.

Um, but yeah, I don't know.

I wonder, I wonder, do you think I'm at peace, Caroline?

You do?

Okay, I think really I am for the for the for the first time, which is cool.

It's it's a nice place to be, but I think

I feel it in you.

I feel it for whatever it's worth in your presence today, for sure.

That's good.

Uh, and also, I was gonna say that I love what you're saying because a lot of the times people say, well, how do I know it's love?

And if you're already living a life you love,

you'll know it's love.

Totally.

Because you're already living at that level.

Everything is operating at the vibration and frequency of love.

So when something new comes in, you actually know what frequency it's vibrating at.

Exactly.

You won't have to guess anymore because it makes sense.

It aligns.

You know whether it's jealousy, lust, envy, confusion, whatever it may be, because you already love everything that's going on.

But if you're hating everything that's going on, now everything feels like love.

So because everything feels better than where you're at.

Wow, I really like that.

That's actually so true.

And I think that

will resonate with so many people.

I know for me in my 20s, that was so the case.

I was desperate, desperate to have a boyfriend because I didn't really like myself and I didn't really like my life.

I felt like I wasn't living up to my potential.

I didn't feel creatively fulfilled.

I didn't like myself as a person.

And instead of dealing with all those things, I was like, How can I get a boyfriend?

Need to chase boys, need a boyfriend, need a boyfriend to validate, to validate my existence.

And it's such a great turning point when you can stop and kind of pivot in your life and think and really focus on

you know, loving yourself and being loved to your point.

So when it comes in, you'll know.

Yeah, you recognize it.

I love that.

Yeah, I love that so much.

So you're gearing up for a massive live tour.

What can people expect from this tour?

It's so exciting.

I'm very excited.

It's the first time in six years since we launched the podcast that I actually get to go do this

on stage across North America to start with.

And I think people expect surprise guests in every city.

Love.

Some of your favorites, some absolutely new ones.

So really, really excited about that.

People can expect to actually have a human connection.

I want everyone to be able to ask questions.

I want to make it really interactive.

People will be able to come and be a part of the experience.

And I want people to leave there with community.

I think that's something that I found when I'm touring that's different is that people don't walk out of that room with the same people they came with.

They're walking around, having conversations with people next to them.

If you think about it, everyone in that room is going to be someone who listens to on purpose.

They're listening every day.

They're listening every week.

They're listening every month.

Imagine being in the same space and now you're not walking or you're not in your kitchen or you're not at the gym.

You're actually in this same space listening to the conversation.

I can't imagine what kind of connections will come out of that.

So, I think it's going to be super exciting.

It's going to be meaningful.

I'm going to be leading meditations on stage.

So, for anyone who's been struggling, I'll be guiding those meditations as well.

I think it's going to be a really meaningful, impactful evening.

And I can't wait.

I'm so excited.

So exciting.

What's the hardest part of doing a huge show and like planning something at this scale?

Do you get nervous?

I can't imagine you do, but what's there any challenges that you're looking forward to overcoming?

So, I went on a world tour two years ago.

So, we did nearly 40 cities in like three, four months.

And that was much harder than I expected it to be.

And I have a lot of clients who are musicians who tour and do like 100, 150 shows, 200 shows.

And they always used to tell me that they'd be exhausted by show 50.

So I didn't even do 50 shows.

So I can really empathize with people who toured that long.

To me, it becomes about

everything

is sacrificed.

And I don't mean that as like, oh my God, I'm sacrificing.

Everything is about the craft.

So for example when i was on tour last time my day would start around 2 or 4 p.m for working i mean it would start later because i'd start with a group meditation for people who'd opted in for the big meditation the smaller meditation i'd start a q a session for that group then the show would start at like 7 30.

so i'd stop eating at midday and then i wouldn't eat until midnight wow and then i'd wake up jump on a plane and go and do it all over again in another place and so i never went out at night i never went out to a restaurant because I was on vocal rest.

And so to me, the key is for that time,

you've got to be totally zoned in.

And I love that.

I really enjoy it.

I think about it like an athlete at the championships or Super Bowl, whatever it is, where it's like, you've just got to be focused on that one thing.

And there's a beautiful thing that comes out of that.

You get.

really in the zone, you recognize what talents and skills you have, you recognize your ability to fast that I didn't know I could do that anymore for that long.

And so it was just like a really beautiful reminder to build different muscles

and build different strengths and find a new sense of confidence.

And so, yeah, everyone's always like, Did you travel to this place?

What did you see?

I'm like, I didn't see it.

You're like, I saw my hotel room.

Yeah, I saw my hotel room.

I saw a plane.

Sure.

And I saw the venue.

And I love that.

I don't have any, that's beautiful.

Like, that's what it's for.

Yeah.

I'm not traveling for pleasure.

I'm traveling to serve.

And it's really exciting.

That's beautiful.

I love that.

Okay, before we go, I have to ask you: do you have any guilty pleasures, like junk food, movies, TV shows?

Like what it, what, when you're like, you know what?

I'm going to treat myself.

Like, what do you do?

So there's this place in LA called Mr.

Charlie's.

Okay.

It's basically plant-based McDonald's.

Oh, wow.

So they do chicken nuggets.

They do a chicken sandwich.

It's plant-based.

They do the fries.

And like, I've now got to once every two weeks I need that.

Okay.

It was once every week.

So now I've got to once every two weeks.

And then I'm a, I love Van Leeuwen because they have plant-based famous.

And so I'll, my, my Van Leeuwen order, my wife believes this should be on their menu because I have a very specific order.

So I go and get

a double chocolate fudge brownie scoop of ice cream with hot fudge on top with sprinkles, cookie crumble, honeycomb candy.

And I think that's about it.

And so those are my two food guilty pleasures.

I love that.

So every two weeks I'll do that now on one day together.

Yeah.

So that day, glucose gotta ignore it.

Just don't talk to Jesse for a week.

Pretend like it didn't happen.

And then TV-wise, I find like,

no, I think I watch good stuff.

I mean, like, I just watch why Lois, the new episode came out, but that's not good to play.

This is great TV.

So I love that.

This year, it used to definitely like at one point, I would never miss an episode of Selling Sunset.

Wait, I love that.

Okay.

But I love real estate.

So I would skip.

And I was telling Jason Oppen, I met Jason recently and I was telling him, I was like, I love Selling Sunset, but I always skip to all the homes because I love properties and real estate.

He's like, Yeah, that's what every guy says.

And so I was like, All right, Jason, thanks for judging me, but but it's true.

So, yeah, that's what I love.

I love that.

Okay, well, Van Lewin, if you're listening, we need the Jay Shetty on the menu.

That's crazy that that hasn't happened yet.

Um, Jay, thank you for coming on.

This was so meaningful, and I just think you are so wise, and uh, I love your energy.

Where can people find you, and where can people get tickets for the tour?

Yeah, I'd love for people to come see me on tour.

It's jayshetty.me forward slash tour, jayshetty.me forward slash tour.

And then you can find me on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, wherever you watch social.

And then on any podcast app, iHeart, Sirius, and all the other ones, Apple, Spotify, everything.

So, yeah.

Beautiful.

Thanks.

Thanks.

And honestly, I had such a great time.

That was one of my favorite conversations I've had.

And you are the best.

And on purpose, is waiting for you.

Thank you.

And we look forward to having you on the show.

Thank you so much.

Thanks for listening, guys.

Bye.

Bye.

If you love this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall Jenner on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing your inner child.

You could be reading something that someone is saying about you and being like, that is so unfair because that's not who I am.

And that really gets to me sometimes.

But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like, but I know who I am.

Why does anything else matter?

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