You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings (How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)

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Speaker 4 You're not responsible for someone's insecurity.

Speaker 4 You can't fix what's broken inside them. That's their work to do.
You're not responsible for their unrealistic expectations.

Speaker 4 You decide your limits, not their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their misplaced anger.
Their reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt that isn't yours.

Speaker 4 The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.

Speaker 4 Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn, and grow.

Speaker 4 I'm your host, Jay shetty and today we're talking about the things you're not responsible for i don't know about you but i feel like we all carry and feel responsible for more than we can hold sometimes the weight feels so heavy and we're trying to carry our parents expectations we're trying to carry the responsibilities that we have on a day-to-day basis we're trying to carry people's emotions and feelings and pain and it can often feel like it's just weighing so heavy.

Speaker 4 And at the end of trying to carry all of this, you just feel like falling and breaking down.

Speaker 4 I'm sure you felt the same way, where you feel like the weight you're carrying is getting heavier every single year.

Speaker 4 And the weight. of people's expectations, opinions, obligations, whatever it may be, never ever stops.
In fact, it just continues to grow and accelerate as time goes on.

Speaker 4 As you listen to this episode today, I want it to be freeing. I want you to feel lighter.

Speaker 4 I want you to feel liberated. As you listen to this episode, I want you to feel like you can actually move and think and have space to create.

Speaker 4 Because what we don't realize, is when we feel responsible for things that we don't need to be responsible for we are blocked our creativity is blocked our passions are blocked our time is blocked so much of our intuition is blocked because we're making space and room for everything else so the first thing that i want to talk about

Speaker 4 the first thing you're not responsible for is other people's feelings.

Speaker 4 You can respect them, but their emotional reactions aren't yours to carry or fix.

Speaker 4 You can be kind to people,

Speaker 4 but people will still feel hurt.

Speaker 4 You can be present with people,

Speaker 4 but they can still feel distant.

Speaker 4 You can be thoughtful, but people will still feel unheard.

Speaker 4 You are not responsible for other people's feelings.

Speaker 4 I remember being that person where I would overanalyze every text, every email, every message, every interaction to say things perfectly, to say things in a way that there would be no opportunity for misinterpretation or fallout.

Speaker 4 And guess what?

Speaker 4 People were still upset.

Speaker 4 People were still hurt. Not because I wanted them to be hurt.
If anything, I was trying to avoid that. But I found that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings.

Speaker 4 If someone wants to be hurt, they'll be hurt no matter what you say.

Speaker 4 If someone wants to be mad at you, they'll be mad at you no matter what you say.

Speaker 4 If someone wants to feel upset with you, they'll feel upset with you no matter what you say or do.

Speaker 4 If someone has made their mind up about how they feel about you, there is nothing you can do to fix it.

Speaker 4 You can be kind, you can be respectful, you can try, but you can't be responsible for their feelings because why?

Speaker 4 If you're responsible for their feelings, your time, your energy starts to follow theirs. If they're in a good mood, you're in a good mood.
If they're in a bad mood, you're in a bad mood.

Speaker 4 If they're high energy, you're high energy. If they're low energy, you're low energy.
Constantly, we feel our highs and lows are mirroring the highs and lows of the person we're tied to.

Speaker 4 Often the hardest people to do this with is our parents. We feel responsible for our parents' feelings.

Speaker 4 So when your parents are going through something really, really difficult, maybe they're going through a transition, maybe they're going through a shift or a change.

Speaker 4 And all of a sudden, not only are you constantly thinking about their feelings, you feel responsible for them. You feel it's your job to make today a great day for them.

Speaker 4 You try and change everything, you change your whole routine, you call them first thing in the morning, you put aside other tasks, and by the way, this is all well-intentioned and it's a beautiful act of love.

Speaker 4 But what we don't realize is we haven't helped them develop the emotional skills and tools they need.

Speaker 4 You're trying to be a mood shifter, a mood changer for that person rather than putting the control in their hand. It's almost like saying, hey, I'll decide what to watch tonight.

Speaker 4 Hey, I'll decide what to order tonight. And sure, it can be great to create that space in the short term.

Speaker 4 But long term, the goal is to equip that person with the ability to make choices about their own feelings.

Speaker 4 Trust me when I say this. This is not about being hard-hearted.
It's not about not caring. It's not about not loving someone you really, really love.

Speaker 4 It's about recognizing that real love is helping someone

Speaker 4 learn how to choose their feelings and emotions. You're not helping someone if you're dehabilitating them.
You're not helping someone if they're dependent on you to feel good.

Speaker 4 If someone's dependent on you to feel good, you have not helped them. you've stalled them.

Speaker 4 Think about that for a second. If someone is dependent on you to feel happy, you have not helped them, you've actually hurt them.

Speaker 4 Because that means when you're not available, when you're not accessible, when you're not capable, when you don't have time or space, that person can't find that joy.

Speaker 4 I'm sure that's not what you want for them. So we don't want to feel responsible for other people's feelings.

Speaker 4 We want to feel connected in helping them, supporting them, being there for them, but not responsible.

Speaker 4 Because when you're responsible for it, you then take it into your own life and start to carry it.

Speaker 4 The second thing you're not responsible for is how people perceive you.

Speaker 4 You can say everything right

Speaker 4 and people will still think you're wrong.

Speaker 4 You can speak the truth and people will still think you're lying. You can try to explain yourself and people will still misunderstand you.

Speaker 4 You are not responsible for how people perceive you. They might base it off a first impression.
Something someone else said, something they heard.

Speaker 4 If someone chooses to perceive you based on another person's opinion of you,

Speaker 4 that means they don't want to get to know you. Let me say that again.
If someone bases their perception of you based on how another person perceives you, they don't actually want to get to know you.

Speaker 4 If someone told you that someone else was lazy, disorganized, and you take their word for it, it means you don't want to make the time or the energy to actually get to know that person because chances are if you did get to know them you might realize that just like all of us they're lazy in some ways but they're organized in other ways so if we're using people as our shortcuts to learn about people

Speaker 4 then guess what we don't want to deeply get to know that person So you're not responsible for how people perceive you because people will perceive you through all sorts of ways.

Speaker 4 Think about this for a second. What's the one word someone would use to describe you if they saw you but didn't speak to you?

Speaker 4 Second question.

Speaker 4 How would someone describe you in one word if they spoke to you for a few minutes?

Speaker 4 Now, imagine if someone spoke to you for a few hours. I'm guessing there's a big difference in how someone perceives you when they see you and don't speak to you,

Speaker 4 when they speak to you for a few minutes and when they speak to you for a few hours. That's definitely true for me, right? I feel like if someone saw me, they may have a certain perception.

Speaker 4 If someone spoke to me for a few minutes, they'll have another perception. And if someone spent hours or months or years with me, they'll have a different perception.

Speaker 4 How can you possibly be responsible for how people perceive you

Speaker 4 when the way people see you is the way they see the world.

Speaker 4 The way people see you

Speaker 4 is how they often look at themselves. The way people see you

Speaker 4 is how they felt seen or unseen in the past. The way people see you is based on someone else they met that was kind of like you.

Speaker 4 There are so many touch points as to how someone deciphers and decides how they perceive you. You could try and be really nice and someone will say they're trying too hard.

Speaker 4 You could be a little standoffish and people will say, oh, they're really distant and absent. You could try and be really interested and curious and people will say they ask too many questions.

Speaker 4 You could be a little more introverted. and people say, oh, they suck the energy out of the room.

Speaker 4 How people perceive your silence

Speaker 4 is different.

Speaker 4 Some people perceive it as a strength, as a power.

Speaker 4 Some people perceive it as a weakness. I really understood this

Speaker 4 when

Speaker 4 I lived in the monastery and we were exposed to this idea of humility and humility was seen as the number one quality that humans could aspire for.

Speaker 4 But today when people demonstrate humility, people often think of it as low self-esteem or they think of it as low self-worth. They don't value it.

Speaker 4 They value someone who's got a bit of swag, who's got a bit of confidence.

Speaker 4 But for the monks, humility is the greatest sign of confidence. The ability to accept what you know and what you don't know, to be honest about your strengths and your weaknesses.

Speaker 4 to be clear about what you're good at and what you're bad at. That's reality.

Speaker 4 But today we reward people who feel confident all the time, people who look like they have it all together. Perception is also different all across the world.

Speaker 4 And how we receive people's praise and perception is fascinating. I remember looking at a case study of the performance company Cirque du Soleil.

Speaker 4 You might have even heard of them, or you might have even been to see a show. In some parts of the world, when

Speaker 4 The acrobats would jump through a hoop, triple flip backwards, land on their feet, fall through a hoop of fire. The audience would go crazy.

Speaker 4 The audience would be applauding, praising, shouting, screaming, losing it.

Speaker 4 And the acrobats would feel acknowledged and seen. And in some other cultures around the world, the acrobats would finish a show and feel like they flopped.
They'd feel like they failed. Why?

Speaker 4 Because the audience audience didn't clap as loud.

Speaker 4 The audience didn't shout as loud. The audience didn't scream as loud.
But here's the fascinating thing about that.

Speaker 4 When Cirque du Salay went and did some studies on this, they realized certain cultures don't show their emotions and their praise as expressively.

Speaker 4 Someone could be clapping like this and feel the same level of excitement as someone who's on their seat jumping and shouting.

Speaker 4 They actually had to train the acrobats to realize that different cultures express appreciation differently.

Speaker 4 Some cultures had the ability to be so expressive, to be so emphatic, to be so verbally congratulatory that they'd feel it.

Speaker 4 But they had to give the same performance when the audience didn't respond that way.

Speaker 4 This is one of the challenges about how people perceive us. If you feel responsible for how people perceive you, you will always be performing.
You will always be on a stage.

Speaker 4 You will never feel you can take the mask off.

Speaker 4 You will feel like every word you say and every act and every thought and every behavior is under scrutiny.

Speaker 4 This is known as the spotlight effect, where you feel that your whole life is constantly being analyzed. So before someone else can analyze you, you analyze yourself.

Speaker 4 You filter yourself, you edit yourself, you overthink yourself. And now, guess what? You get more and more distant from the person you are.
You're not responsible for how other people perceive you.

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Speaker 4 The third thing you're not responsible for is fixing people's problems.

Speaker 4 You can offer support, but you can't solve it. You can be patient, but you can't take away their pain.

Speaker 4 You can be helpful,

Speaker 4 but you can't fix.

Speaker 4 The number one reason most of us want to fix other people's problems is to make ourselves feel better.

Speaker 4 It's the harsh truth, but we all know it's real. I feel that way as well.
I spent years trying to solve and fix people's problems. I cared for them.
I loved them. I didn't want them to feel pain.

Speaker 4 What did I actually do? I stole their

Speaker 4 ability to solve their own problems. I took away their independence and strength to deal with what they were going through.
I thought it was either or.

Speaker 4 Either I'm on the sidelines or I'm fully deep in there trying to save them. Not realizing that it required a bit from them.

Speaker 4 It required them to find themselves. Now, this doesn't mean I need to hide from them.
It didn't mean I need to distance myself from them.

Speaker 4 It means I need to understand the difference between support and solution.

Speaker 4 We need to understand the difference between focusing your energy and trying to fix.

Speaker 4 When you get lost trying to fix someone else's problems, you're rattling off all these solutions, all these multiple steps they can take, and maybe they'll be lucky if they can take it.

Speaker 4 What we don't get too often is the root of why they can't solve it. You could give someone all the best solutions in the world and they could still make no shift

Speaker 4 because what's blocking them is their own belief in themselves. What's blocking them is them worrying about what people think.

Speaker 4 What's blocking them is them worrying about how they're going to be seen, how they're going to be looked at. I was talking to a friend the other day

Speaker 4 and it dawned on me how many people are scared to put up a post or a video or a piece of content because they're worried about what their friends will think.

Speaker 4 You could fix their problem by solving it, sending them all the videos, giving them advice, whatever it may be, but that's the root of their issue.

Speaker 4 You may have a family member who wants to be healthier and you're sending them everything. Here's the article, here's the podcast, here's the blog, here's the everything,

Speaker 4 and that person just feels overwhelmed by the information because what they need to do is take one step not catch up with you i was saying this to a friend this morning on a walk we were talking about why it often feels like it takes people around us so long to understand us and i was sharing this analogy with him i said to him it's like

Speaker 4 when you've just finished watching season four of an amazing show and you're telling all your friends, hey, you need to watch this show. It's amazing.
I love it. It's incredible.

Speaker 4 And now they've got to spend all that time catching up. So you're at season four, you've finished it and they're at season one.

Speaker 4 And not everyone is going to go on that journey with you. So you're not responsible to fix everyone's problems.
You can only tell them what could work, but you can't fix it.

Speaker 4 That person has to watch the show, right? That person has to make the time. The person has to commit to all the episodes of the show.
And that's entertainment, let alone growth.

Speaker 4 So I can't fix it. I can't solve it for you.
You have to put in work.

Speaker 4 And often we'll sit there and we'll just be sitting there going, how do I fix this? What do I do? What can I say? What can I do? What is the perfect thing I can say?

Speaker 4 I used to have a client who used to say that to me all the time. He'd say, Jay, you always say the perfect thing.
Can you teach me how to always say the perfect thing?

Speaker 4 And I remember saying to me, I said, first of all, I don't always say the perfect thing. And if I do, it's because I'm present.
It's not because I'm trying to say the perfect thing.

Speaker 4 You don't say the right thing because you're trying to say the right thing.

Speaker 4 You say the right thing because you're so conscious, aligned, and present in that moment that you can truly resonate with that person.

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Speaker 4 in your family at thanksgiving do you go around and say what you're thankful for a lot of families do that and it's such a great tradition sometimes we just need to remind ourselves what's important family and friends real human connection there's no better time to find that connection than thanksgiving old friends are coming into town reach out to them it couldn't be easier A quick Facebook post asking who's around.

Speaker 4 Somebody's got to get the ball rolling, right? Tag your friends. Maybe your high school class has a Facebook alumni group.

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A happy birthday.

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Happy Thanksgiving and say hello to your friends for me.

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Speaker 4 Number four,

Speaker 4 you are not responsible for living up to others' expectations.

Speaker 4 Because guess what? You never will.

Speaker 4 Even if you try to live up to other people's expectations,

Speaker 4 You never will.

Speaker 4 You will let people down.

Speaker 4 Even if you try your hardest not to.

Speaker 4 They'll be disappointed. They'll be disheartened, even if you try your best.

Speaker 4 Because the truth is, we can't read anyone's mind and no one can read ours. It's not possible for me to check off every box of the expectation you have.

Speaker 4 How many of you have ever tried to plan something for a family member or friend? Maybe it's a surprise birthday. Maybe it's getting a gift.
Maybe it's a vacation or a getaway.

Speaker 4 And maybe you tried to plan it meticulously. But there was something along the way that person said, oh, that flight was too long.
Oh, the hotel bed wasn't comfortable.

Speaker 4 Oh, you know, like I like that music, but it's not my favorite type. Oh, you know, I don't really love chocolate cake.
I prefer, you know, whatever it is, like.

Speaker 4 you couldn't possibly know everyone's preference.

Speaker 4 And we feel very responsible to live up to other people's expectations.

Speaker 4 Some people expect you to get a certain job. So you chase it your whole life, only to realize it's not the job you want.
Some people want you to find a certain partner.

Speaker 4 So you chase a particular type of partner, only to realize you have nothing in common with them. Some people in your life will expect you to have children.

Speaker 4 And you may have children because of that expectation, only to realize you weren't ready to be a parent.

Speaker 4 When you pursue and chase things that other people expect of you, even if you get them, they won't be happy and neither will you. How can you be happy chasing someone else's priority?

Speaker 4 How could you ever be joyful chasing someone else's

Speaker 4 life?

Speaker 4 So don't feel responsible for other people's expectations. Because those are the expectations they often had of themselves.

Speaker 4 Sometimes it's not even that they want you to have a good career. They want to be friends with someone who has a good career.

Speaker 4 They want to be able to tell their friends that you're having a child, that you're getting married, whatever it may be.

Speaker 4 I remember not going to my graduation ceremony. I graduated, but I didn't go to the event where you get the scroll and you wear the hat and all the rest of it.
And my mom never got that picture.

Speaker 4 And I remember my mom would say to me, she'd say, all my friends have pictures of their kids graduating. I don't have a picture of you graduating.

Speaker 4 And it's a really, really interesting thought because it was this expectation she had of me. Now, it's not the biggest deal, and my mom's wonderful.
But there's that feeling

Speaker 4 that

Speaker 4 I would have had to either be at my graduation ceremony or at that point, I was living as a monk in India. And now when I look back at that, I think,

Speaker 4 wow, it's so obvious I made the right decision. But if I tried to live up to her expectation, I would have made the wrong choice.
I remember growing up, my parents really wanted me to study sciences.

Speaker 4 They would have loved for me to study biology and chemistry and physics. And instead, I studied art and design and economics and sociology and philosophy.

Speaker 4 And those were the subjects I was attracted to. And now when I look back, I think, wait a minute, if I would have lived up to their expectation, I would have been further away from myself.

Speaker 4 The closer you get to living up to other people's expectations,

Speaker 4 the further away you are from yourself.

Speaker 4 The closer you get to checking off everyone else's list,

Speaker 4 the further away you are from knowing what's on yours. The closer you get to winning in the eyes of others,

Speaker 4 the further away you are

Speaker 4 from winning in your own eyes. We're actually losing.

Speaker 4 You lose a part of yourself when you try to meet someone else's expectation of you that you don't value. Stop feeling like you're responsible for other people's expectations.

Speaker 4 Those expectations come from their expectations of their own, their expectations of their life, the expectations they adopted from their parents, the expectations that they've adopted from their community.

Speaker 4 And make sure that the expectations you're setting are the ones you want to commit your life to.

Speaker 4 Number five, you're not responsible for how others decide to treat you.

Speaker 4 Their mood isn't your job. Their actions aren't your fault.
You don't have to manage someone else's bad day.

Speaker 4 Their behavior is about them. It doesn't say anything about who you are.

Speaker 4 You're not responsible for making someone else grow up. Maturity is their journey.
You don't have to carry that burden. I think often we feel

Speaker 4 very, very responsible for how people treat us. We feel that the way they behave with us is a sign of who we are.

Speaker 4 I was speaking to someone last week who said,

Speaker 4 The person that broke up with them has made them feel like they're not lovable.

Speaker 4 I was speaking to someone else a couple of months ago, and they were saying

Speaker 4 that

Speaker 4 their manager is making them feel like they don't have any value.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 the reality is, if you have a relationship with someone, it's worth checking. I want to understand where this is coming from.
I want to recognize and know

Speaker 4 if

Speaker 4 the way you're treating me,

Speaker 4 where is it coming from? What's beneath this?

Speaker 4 Because

Speaker 4 usually you'll find some people don't have a good reason at all. They were angry.
They were tired. They were exhausted.
And you were receiving their anger, their exhaustion, and their fatigue.

Speaker 4 You weren't receiving what you deserved. You were receiving what they were dealing with.
because they didn't give themselves the rest they deserved. Think about that for a second.

Speaker 4 You were receiving not what you deserved, but you were receiving what they were experiencing. People don't treat you how you deserve to be treated.
They treat you how they treat themselves.

Speaker 4 The way people treat you is not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of how they see themselves and what they're feeling.

Speaker 4 The way people treat you shows you how that person is living right now,

Speaker 4 not how you're performing. You can't be responsible for how others decide to treat you, because then you'd be responsible for their entire life.

Speaker 4 You'd have to manage their morning, their evening, their day, their relationships. You'd have to manage everything

Speaker 4 in order to hope that they treat you right. And sometimes maybe even we do that.

Speaker 4 We try and over-manage, we try and over-monitor, we try and over-control someone to hope that they'll treat us better, only to realize nothing changes. And then we wonder, why is nothing changing?

Speaker 4 I'm doing everything right.

Speaker 4 Well, because there's something internally that that person's going through that we don't have control over.

Speaker 4 So I want this episode to be a reminder:

Speaker 4 you're not responsible for someone's insecurity. You can't fix what's broken inside them.
That's their work to do. You're not responsible for their unrealistic expectations.

Speaker 4 You decide your limits, not their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their misplaced anger.
Their reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt that isn't yours.

Speaker 4 You're not responsible for someone else's happiness. Their joy isn't your job.
You've got your own heart to take care of. And you're not responsible for other people misunderstanding you.

Speaker 4 You don't have to prove yourself.

Speaker 4 Your truth is enough.

Speaker 4 And you're not responsible for making them respect your boundaries. Set them clearly and firmly.
Enforcing them isn't selfish. It's necessary.

Speaker 4 And you're not responsible for anyone else's approval. Their validation doesn't define you because you're already enough exactly as you are.

Speaker 4 I hope you'll pass this episode on because sometimes we just need these reminders because we're all carrying that weight. And I hope this frees up yours.

Speaker 4 Thank you for listening to On Purpose. Leave a review, share this episode with a friend.
And remember, I'm forever in your corner. and I'm always rooting for you.

Speaker 4 If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how to speak to yourself with more compassion.

Speaker 5 My fears are only going to continue to show me what I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears, the more that I feel I'm gaining strength, I'm gaining wisdom, and I just want to keep doing that.

Speaker 2 Everybody knows Shaq, but off camera, he's just a regular guy.

Speaker 3 People never believe me when I say I'm just like them. I take out the trash, do dishes, and I struggle with moderate obstructive sleep apnea or OSA.

Speaker 3 And a lot of adults with obesity also struggle with moderate to severe OSA. You know those scary breathing interruptions during sleep, the loud snoring, choking, and daytime fatigue?

Speaker 3 I knew I had to talk to my doctor. Don't sleep on the symptoms.
Learn more at don'tsleeponosa.com.

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Speaker 4 You're juggling a lot. Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.
And now you're thinking about grad school? That's not crazy. That's ambitious.

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Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.