Quinlan Walther: Stop Chasing Love Just Because You’re Lonely! (Do THIS to Attract the RIGHT Relationship)

Transcript

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Speaker 42 We only obsess over people who aren't fully available to us.

Speaker 42 The obsession can be mistaken for a spark, where there's something we're projecting onto someone that is so full on, it feels like an obsession.

Speaker 38 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

Speaker 25 I'm your host, Jay Shetty, and I'm so excited to introduce you to someone that I am a huge fan of.

Speaker 37 I've been following her for a couple of years now, loving all of her content, engage with her regularly and consistently.

Speaker 41 And then when I was on tour this year, I actually had the opportunity to meet her.

Speaker 37 And now we finally have her in the on purpose studio.

Speaker 22 I'm speaking about Quinlan Walther, a writer and relationship coach, transforming the way millions of people think about love.

Speaker 3 Quinlan's viral videos on dating, self-trust and connection have reached millions of people worldwide.

Speaker 32 If you don't follow her already, make sure you do after this conversation.

Speaker 48 Quinlan is helping people break unhealthy patterns, build deeper connections, and create relationships that feel safe, intentional, and fulfilling.

Speaker 49 Please welcome to on purpose Quinlan Walther or Q.

Speaker 10 Q, I'm so glad to have you here.

Speaker 42 Jay, it's so good to see you.

Speaker 7 Thank you for having me.

Speaker 33 Of course.

Speaker 6 I am so excited to dive in.

Speaker 46 I have so many things to talk to you about.

Speaker 50 I know our audience is going to absolutely love this conversation because they're...

Speaker 40 constantly trying to figure out love and relationships and dating.

Speaker 48 I feel like

Speaker 26 that's aren't we all? Exactly.

Speaker 46 I feel like it's the need of the hour, which is such a beautiful thing as well.

Speaker 17 And the first question question I wanted to ask you is, what's the difference between wanting a relationship and being ready for a relationship?

Speaker 42 One of my favorite ways to frame this,

Speaker 42 which I think we can all relate to, is you shouldn't go grocery shopping when you're starving.

Speaker 42 We don't tend to make the best choices. We grab the first thing we see.
We grab all the things that we want that look exciting, right? Ooh, that'll taste so good. I want this.
I want that.

Speaker 42 Not necessarily what we need.

Speaker 42 And that, in my opinion, applies to dating and relationships as well.

Speaker 42 When you go out into the world, you start dating, you're looking for a relationship, you want to have a pretty solid understanding of what it is that you're looking for.

Speaker 42 You want to have a pretty solid understanding of how you love yourself, how you show up for yourself, the life you want to create for yourself, the relationship that would be an added bonus to that life that you want to create, rather than feel like you're trying to fill a void.

Speaker 42 You end up seeking connections from a place of desperation that can't be fulfilling because it's essentially pouring into a bottomless pit of trying to fill this bottomless void.

Speaker 42 So in my opinion, asking yourself those questions first, really spending time understanding who you are, what you want, how you can love yourself, how you can support yourself, how you can commit to building a life you like, and the relationship that could be a bonus.

Speaker 42 I also want to add the caveat that it's not as if you have to go hide away, do all of those things, and then come out and find the relationship.

Speaker 42 It can happen pretty much the same time with the focus being on understanding all the things I just said, who you are, what you want, et cetera, and not go looking for love when you are metaphorically starving.

Speaker 39 I love that truth, Bomb.

Speaker 54 That's huge already.

Speaker 36 The idea that we're constantly looking for love when we're starving rather than being really, really clear and being in a healthy sense of hunger.

Speaker 37 Like you have an appetite.

Speaker 56 Right.

Speaker 36 But you're not starving because we all know that when you're starving, you're so spot on.

Speaker 57 I think about all, I was, I was literally going through all the bad decisions I've made at the grocery store.

Speaker 3 At the grocery store, what I eat when I'm starving, I will pull up at a gas station.

Speaker 35 I will buy two bags of chips.

Speaker 57 Yep, Gracie's bar. Yeah, totally.

Speaker 17 Like everything that you don't want to be having.

Speaker 56 And then on the way home, you're regretting it.

Speaker 42 And you love it while you're eating it. 100%.
It's the best while it's there. And it's, oh, this is everything that I wanted.
And then 10 minutes later, you're probably hungry again.

Speaker 42 You're probably crashed out from the sugar high. You need a nap and you feel even more exhausted and still hungry after you're done.

Speaker 42 I feel like that just directly applies to the kind of relationships, the kind of connections that we choose when we're acting from that place of starvation, desperation, emptiness.

Speaker 47 Yeah.

Speaker 21 And the hard part about that is that it's so real today to feel that way, to feel lonely, to feel desperate, to feel not chosen.

Speaker 35 What do we do with all those emotions then?

Speaker 32 Because we're used to running for the quick solve because those emotions are so heavy and hard to sit in.

Speaker 48 What do you do with all those emotions when you're not getting to just curb your craving by getting some fast food or fast love?

Speaker 42 Build self-trust.

Speaker 42 Self-trust is imperative

Speaker 42 for liking who you are, understanding who you are, making decisions that align with who you really want to be. And of course, that pays off in our relationships.

Speaker 42 There are four C's when it comes to self-trust, in my opinion. First one is curiosity.

Speaker 42 Are you curious about who you are, why you do what you do, the feelings that you feel, your motives and intentions behind the decisions that you make, what you want out of life? Is there curiosity?

Speaker 42 You can't trust yourself if you don't know yourself. And from curiosity can come comprehension.
So it's really important that you lead with curiosity. The second one is capacity.

Speaker 42 So that's emotional flexibility, emotional stability. Like you, like you just asked, what do we do with these big emotions?

Speaker 42 You build the capacity to stay anchored in who you are, even when you feel really sad, even when you feel really helpless or hopeless or overwhelmed, angry, frustrated.

Speaker 42 Can you find an anchor in yourself that you can support yourself through all of those emotions? That's capacity.

Speaker 42 The third one is compassion, having humanity for who you are, having an understanding that you are a flawed human who makes some poor decisions sometimes, right?

Speaker 42 And being able to meet yourself with a softness, with a warmth is imperative, like absolutely paramount. And we're talking a lot about relationships here today.

Speaker 42 If you aren't compassionate with yourself, you'll be far less likely to be compassionate with the people around you and your significant other and such.

Speaker 42 The changes we wanna make don't typically happen from a place of rigidity, blame, shame, judgment. They happen from a place of compassion and support and love.

Speaker 42 And then finally, the fourth one is commitment. The fourth C is commitment.

Speaker 42 Your commitment, your devotion to being who you want to be, making decisions that really align with that and building a life that feels so fulfilling, so good from within. There's no way around it.

Speaker 42 You can have the first three. If you don't have the commitment to bringing who you want to be to fruition, to building that life, things go astray.
So you need that fourth one as well.

Speaker 60 I like the four Cs.

Speaker 26 Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 61 And they feel like they take a lot of time.

Speaker 62 I can't imagine doing that in a month or three months.

Speaker 25 And like you said,

Speaker 32 I think our idea around doing work before dating, and you alluded to this in a healthy sense, we kind of at one point started to believe we had to be complete before we met someone.

Speaker 6 And as someone I've been married now for nine years and with my wife for 12, I thought I knew who I was when we met, and that was a good foundation.

Speaker 37 But I have discovered so much more about myself and grown so much more in the last 12 years than what I thought.

Speaker 45 And so this idea that we have to be fully formed, fully complete, fully perfect before we meet someone doesn't really add up.

Speaker 42 I would even say any relationship will change you. Some for the better.

Speaker 42 Isn't any change happening in the relationship? You probably aren't actually showing up to it.

Speaker 42 And more to your point, when you enter a healthy, safe, loving relationship, it's going to reflect back to you the parts of you that you haven't yet seen, worked on, grown through, grown out of, grown around.

Speaker 42 But I believe you have to be able to discern what is growth versus what is judgment or a lack of acceptance or an opportunity for growth anyway.

Speaker 42 Because Roddy could come to you and say, Jay, I'm really noticing that you haven't been present with me and I miss you. You know, I want more time with you.

Speaker 42 If you don't have the awareness that that's probably coming from a place of love, from a desire to improve your relationship, if you don't have a growth mindset, you'll get defensive, you'll snap back, you won't listen, and you'll drive a wedge even further between the two of you.

Speaker 42 So, I think you need to practice some of those four C's so that you have the awareness of what growth feels like, what it's like to meet yourself, so that when you're in a relationship that is asking you to grow more, there's already a familiarity there.

Speaker 42 I do think that's important.

Speaker 25 It's so important, but what's so interesting about what you're saying, and I'm so glad you've gone in that direction,

Speaker 48 is you're saying relationships take growth and are almost for growth, but

Speaker 48 we don't get into them wanting that.

Speaker 28 We get into them wanting pleasure or joy or relief or companionship.

Speaker 33 And what you just said is,

Speaker 6 well, no, it's about growth.

Speaker 36 Talk to me about that difference between our expectation and why you think relationships are actually about growth.

Speaker 42 As you grow, as you know yourself like yourself, all the things we talked about, You don't need as much from the relationship itself.

Speaker 42 You aren't expecting the person that you're with to be a validation machine, to meet you in every way, in every moment, all the time, so perfectly.

Speaker 42 You can show up and actually allow the other person to meet you in this almost third entity. There's you, the other person, and then the relationship that you create together.

Speaker 42 And that means I get to bring my insecurities, you get to bring your insecurities, I get to bring my good stuff, you get to bring your good stuff, right? And we meet each other there.

Speaker 42 And it's it, the point of a relationship is just to relate to another person, right?

Speaker 42 To walk alongside them, to be a source of love, encouragement, enthusiasm, and to grow individually in your own right.

Speaker 42 But I agree with you that I think one of the biggest problems today with people or for people who haven't really taken the time to try and meet themselves, it is, what can I get? What can I get?

Speaker 42 I'm not getting enough. I need to get more.
This isn't what I wanted with very little consideration for the other person in this third entity that is the relationship.

Speaker 25 It's something that I'm really grappling with as we're talking about it to try and help people shift their perspective because we're not saying that it's growth that is

Speaker 15 growth that you

Speaker 48 that brings you pain or stress or

Speaker 41 We're saying it's growth that inspires you to become better and be better.

Speaker 25 And it may take you a second to make it inspiring for each other.

Speaker 46 So in the start, it may rub you the so for example, as you said, when Raleigh comes up to me at the beginning and says, hey, I need you to do this or that, my ego is quite high.

Speaker 32 And I go, well, why don't you do it for yourself?

Speaker 40 And then it drives a wedge between us.

Speaker 33 And then over time, you respect and love so much about this person that you start to go, well, wait a minute, maybe they're saying it from the right place.

Speaker 36 Now I've grown to have the ability to recognize that everything she says is from a place of love.

Speaker 40 And now maybe I'll be able to receive it.

Speaker 36 And the third time she says it, I'm almost noticing I've been not present myself.

Speaker 8 And I can say, hey, I haven't been present.

Speaker 40 And now we're not trying to live in a world where I am always fully present because that's never going to happen.

Speaker 67 That's not realistic.

Speaker 32 But it goes from her saying it and me being triggered to her saying it and me being aware.

Speaker 50 And then me noticing it even before she says it so that I'm actually able to explain why I may not be present.

Speaker 36 Sometimes I'll say to Radhi, hey, you know what?

Speaker 48 The next week's really intense for me.

Speaker 17 I think I'm just going to be a bit less around because I've got some things to focus on.

Speaker 70 And I just want you to know it's got nothing to do with you or I've just got a lot on right now.

Speaker 71 And I find that that's really helpful for a relationship.

Speaker 42 And that's emotional safety.

Speaker 42 Choosing a partner and building a relationship that is based in trust, emotional safety, your ability to see, hear Roddy's take and trust that she's coming from a loving place, not from a critical place, not from a defensive place, that requires emotional stability, that requires emotional safety.

Speaker 42 So when you choose a partner, look at this in early dating.

Speaker 42 What is the character of the person that you're seeing? How do they treat their friends? How do they treat their family? Are they a person of integrity? Are they typically kind and well-intentioned?

Speaker 42 Because that's going to bloom into a relationship with

Speaker 42 that same character, right? Where someone gives you feedback, this person that you're building a relationship with gives you feedback.

Speaker 42 Can you trust that they're well-intentioned in their feedback, that what they're asking for or what they're reflecting back to you is for the greater good of your connection, right?

Speaker 42 Or of simply a request to love them better, to love them in the way that they want to be loved.

Speaker 42 And assuming you want to be a person who does that, assuming you want to be a person who participates in the emotional safety and the stability, then you're able to hear.

Speaker 42 that underneath the request or the feedback, et cetera, rather than get defensive. But it requires trust and it requires emotional safety.

Speaker 47 Absolutely. Yeah.

Speaker 48 And how do you know the difference between someone's request being inherently good versus unreasonable?

Speaker 67 Because I imagine when people are dating, they may hear quite often, hey, I don't think you're present, or you missed my friend's birthday, or you missed this, you missed that.

Speaker 56 And you almost feel like they're not hearing you.

Speaker 48 How do you make sense or decipher between someone's feedback being inherently good and for the relationship versus just being an unreasonable request.

Speaker 42 If there's too much black and white thinking, if someone comes to you and says, you skipped my friend's birthday, you didn't remember that important meeting that I had last week, and you forgot to take out the trash, you must not love me.

Speaker 42 You don't care about this relationship. And I won't stand for it.
I won't have it.

Speaker 42 That's unreasonable. That's ego speaking.
That's an insecurity. That's not kind.
That's not a loving way to communicate or to think.

Speaker 42 If someone can come to you and hold the nuance there, can see the color, hey, you've been really stressed, right? You had a really busy week. You forgot about my meeting.

Speaker 42 You missed my friend's birthday. You forgot to do the, you forgot to take out the trash like you said that you would.
I know you've been busy. Can I help support you in some way?

Speaker 42 And is there any way that you can make the event next week with me be really important? Right. So it's being able to hold, hey, this hurts.
Hey, I see where you're coming from.

Speaker 42 You're a human with finite capacity and I don't expect you to be a superhero here. And the relationship is important, right? There's, there's so much color in there.

Speaker 42 So I think the straightforward answer to your question is if it's black and white, if it's demanding, and if it really only considers one perspective, one side, then

Speaker 42 you might want to consider a different approach.

Speaker 71 Yeah, and that's really great awareness for ourselves as well.

Speaker 58 Because

Speaker 5 we don't want everyone else to communicate with us in an emotionally intelligent way.

Speaker 53 But then when it comes to us sharing our needs, and it's so interesting when you were saying that it resonates so deeply it makes so much sense and then i go where do people even learn all of this right like we're doing this podcast so that people can learn and grow but i'm listening to you going i don't know anyone who naturally communicates that way because

Speaker 55 they didn't see that in their home they didn't have that through friends or family they didn't have any training of course and so we all do the other thing which is you always always choose yourself.

Speaker 71 You never show up for me.

Speaker 28 You don't love me. We all do that version.

Speaker 67 And so sometimes you're in a relationship with someone and you see that, but then you're like, but I've been with everyone else and they, you know, they're worse than you.

Speaker 18 So I guess this is it.

Speaker 42 You hear all the time, love is consideration, right? Love is an action. Love is

Speaker 42 consideration. Yes, but not consideration beyond someone's capacity, right? People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves.
They can only meet you given

Speaker 42 whatever emotional resources they have available to them at any given time. And where we get stuck is expecting someone to anticipate and meet our needs all the time, uncommunicated.

Speaker 42 And then there's this devastating disappointment when they don't, when they don't show up the way that we want them to.

Speaker 42 That's not a lack of love. That's dependency.
That's a parent-child dynamic. Not having to ask, having all your needs tended to without any forewarning or insight.

Speaker 42 That's not an adult-adult partnership.

Speaker 42 So you have to consider the kind of relationship you want to build and the partner you want to be is the other half of that, because I'm assuming it's someone who is patient, who is willing to see.

Speaker 42 the limited resources that someone has available at some time, right? Can can tolerate a certain amount of disappointment when you aren't met in the ways that you want to be met.

Speaker 42 Someone who's loving and warm in their communication and their understanding.

Speaker 42 When you know you want to be those things, then you can start practicing.

Speaker 42 Even if it wasn't shown to you, you can take stock of where you aren't showing up in those ways, where you can be a little bit better at showing up in those ways.

Speaker 42 But I really, really think it starts with accountability first. Take a look at your side of the street.

Speaker 42 When you've taken a look at your side of the street, if you're in a relationship, then bring it to conversation, right? Like, hey, let's co-create this thing together.

Speaker 42 How can we do this together?

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 42 I think that's the way.

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Speaker 68 I feel so many people right now, I'm sure you hear it all the time, are burnt out and exhausted with dating.

Speaker 43 They're just tired of dating.

Speaker 55 And they've either developed mindsets like there's no good men left, all the good men are taken,

Speaker 23 oh, you know, well, she's not quite right, whatever it may be, right?

Speaker 48 Everyone has their version, but people are exhausted with dating.

Speaker 76 We talked about what happens when you go out there starving.

Speaker 67 What do you do when you feel exhausted?

Speaker 42 Well, you have two options.

Speaker 42 Number one, you can stop.

Speaker 42 You can not date. That's an option.
Take a breather. It doesn't have to be a full-time job.
It doesn't have to feel like a full-time job. It's good to focus on other things.

Speaker 58 Or

Speaker 42 you can shift your expectations,

Speaker 42 not needing to walk into every first date as if you're interviewing for your future spouse, for the position of your future spouse. Like such high stakes, such high pressure.

Speaker 42 Can you go in and try to have fun? You know, can you change the energy that you want to bring to the room where you're just meeting someone new? You're going to to go grab some dinner.

Speaker 42 You're going to go grab coffee. You're going to go grab drinks, whatever it is.

Speaker 42 Can I enjoy myself? Can I have fun with it?

Speaker 42 And deciding the energy you want to bring to the function typically allows you to enjoy the function more rather than feeling like, okay, here we go again.

Speaker 42 Another disappointment, another letdown, another waste of time. Don't do anything with that, with that mentality, with that energy or attitude.

Speaker 42 So you can either stop or shift your energy, shift your perspective.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I was speaking to a friend the other day and she was saying, she goes, she said to me, I just wish men realized how long it takes a girl to get ready.

Speaker 20 And she was like, I got ready.

Speaker 50 She was like, I looked real cute.

Speaker 20 And she was like, he didn't say anything.

Speaker 32 She was like, this guy that she went on her first date with, he said, she didn't say, I looked lovely.

Speaker 25 He didn't say it was nice to see me. He didn't say.

Speaker 35 it was lovely.

Speaker 27 He was just like, I didn't feel like he.

Speaker 42 What a bummer. Yeah.

Speaker 10 And she was so let down.

Speaker 22 And she was just like, I really put effort into how I, you know, got ready.

Speaker 53 I was excited about it.

Speaker 32 And it just felt like it wasn't just that he didn't notice her visually.

Speaker 48 She was like, the conversation didn't go either.

Speaker 50 But I can imagine that that kind of feeling repetitively gets tiring.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 48 But at the same time,

Speaker 22 you're so right that

Speaker 55 it gets tiring when there's really high stakes on it every time.

Speaker 62 And it being perfect or being the one or being the moment.

Speaker 67 It's almost like,

Speaker 36 it's almost like you made it harder for yourself

Speaker 50 by going out wanting it to be the night.

Speaker 58 Yes.

Speaker 70 Whereas if you'd just gone out, and even if you did put in all that effort and everything, but you like that about yourself.

Speaker 42 And if you had fun, right? I'm a girl. I love getting ready.
I love my two-hour long process of getting ready for an event and, you know, the music's playing, the vibe is good. That's fun.

Speaker 42 I enjoy that. I enjoy that.

Speaker 42 So I do it more. I do it when I want to.
It's a process that I want to engage in. I also think I'd like to start a petition to bring back flirting in general.

Speaker 42 I think we've lost the art of flirting because flirting is fun and not flirting that has to lead to anything.

Speaker 42 You find someone attractive. There's a little bit of chemistry.
You share a five-minute conversation. It's flirty and it's fun.
And it can end there. It can end there.
You show up to a first date.

Speaker 42 Can I tap into that? You know, the back and forth, the banter, the fun, the chemistry with no strings attached, just for the sake of connection and fun.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I don't know how we'll start that.

Speaker 58 We're going to figure it out.

Speaker 10 Bring flirting.

Speaker 58 Bring flirting back. Yes, bring back flirting.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I wonder.

Speaker 32 I feel like it's disappeared mostly because people aren't used to speaking in person in the time that things are flirty.

Speaker 43 So most of the flirting happens over message.

Speaker 73 And then by the time you get in front of each other, you have to have a real conversation, which is kind of like a hard shift to go from flirting on the phone to, you know, through text to them being interesting in person.

Speaker 58 Absolutely. So

Speaker 28 do you, do you believe the spark is real and does it matter?

Speaker 42 Absolutely. Spark is real and it matters, but it changes and it fades and

Speaker 42 it grows in other in other instances.

Speaker 42 I think you need to feel an immediate attraction to someone that you are romantically interested in. That doesn't mean you are flooded, overwhelmed, like hot and sweaty, can't catch your breath.

Speaker 42 It doesn't have to be that. But you do need to think, I'd like to be a little closer to them, scooch my chair a little bit closer, you know, I should figure out a way to talk to them, you know?

Speaker 42 But that's, that's not to say that connection and intimacy and attraction can't grow over time. They absolutely do, especially for women, especially for women.

Speaker 42 But you, you should find the person that you're dating attractive. And there should be a spark of, yes, I want to be physically closer to them, but I also want to know more about them.

Speaker 42 There's some magic here. There's some something, something to work with.
I think there has to be.

Speaker 58 But

Speaker 42 as you get to know a person, as the novelty wears off, that spark will change. And that's okay.
I don't think we need to discount anyone if there isn't some immediate firework.

Speaker 42 And we should prepare for that spark to change if you plan on starting a long-term relationship.

Speaker 25 Yeah. When can the spark mislead us?

Speaker 43 How does it mislead us?

Speaker 42 When it feels like you're on a roller coaster, when you find yourself pining for someone,

Speaker 42 there's a, I like to say,

Speaker 42 we only obsess over people who aren't fully available to us.

Speaker 42 And that spark can really be mistaken, or the obsession can be mistaken for a spark, where there's something we're projecting onto someone that is so full on, it feels like an obsession.

Speaker 42 And there's this gap between who they are and who they could be, the relationship that you could have and the relationship that you actually have

Speaker 42 and that gap in between is a reflection of who you would get to be and how you would get to feel if the fantasy became a reality and that can feel like a spark can feel like a deep overwhelming obsession anyone who's who's been through this knows how all-consuming it can be

Speaker 42 But when we're projecting a fantasy onto someone, that spark can can take us away into a whole other world.

Speaker 73 Yeah, I fully agree.

Speaker 55 And it's so hard because when you're doing that, you don't even know you're doing it. Nope.

Speaker 42 Nope.

Speaker 42 Typically, not at first. If you experience it enough times,

Speaker 42 it'll be a pattern. It's probably happened.
If it's happened once, it'll probably happen again unless you catch it. Because you shouldn't feel like you're falling off a cliff.

Speaker 42 You shouldn't feel like a free fall of adrenaline and anxiety.

Speaker 42 You should be excited to see someone, excited to be around them, to get to know them, but it should not feel like the ground falls from underneath you when you're with them or not near them or uncertain about what's going to happen.

Speaker 43 What's the difference between chemistry and compatibility

Speaker 62 and what's more important over time?

Speaker 42 I think compatibility in terms of shared values and visions of the future. People often mistake compatibility for similarity in all aspects, right?

Speaker 42 I need to find someone who likes the same movies I like, listens to the same music, prefers to eat all the same foods that I do, goes to sleep at the same time, right?

Speaker 42 You don't need an identical copy of you. In fact, that would probably drive you crazy.
What I think

Speaker 42 compatibility really boils down to in a more important sense is

Speaker 42 how do you value your time, attention, and energy when it comes to the most important things. in your life.

Speaker 42 If you are someone who values family, you want children one day, you want to be married, you want a long-term partnership with love, honesty, trust, all those things, you need to find someone who values family, kids, being married,

Speaker 42 prioritizing the family above just their own innate desires, right?

Speaker 42 Those values have to align. Otherwise, you're headed for a disaster.
Same thing with visions of the future.

Speaker 42 If you start dating someone who wants to live out of a van and travel around the country and wants to kind of have this this nomadic life.

Speaker 42 And you want to live two blocks away from your parents, you know, in Iowa and forever. And that's home for you.
I love that for both of you. You're probably not meant to be together.

Speaker 42 That'll be a really contentious relationship. I like to say, don't order what's not on the menu when you meet someone.

Speaker 42 If they say work is their most important priority, that's their top value. Don't get into a relationship expecting to change that about someone.
It's not fair to them. It's not fair to you.

Speaker 42 That's compatibility. Chemistry, in my opinion, boils down to the magic that you feel

Speaker 42 just being around someone.

Speaker 42 It's almost palpable.

Speaker 42 There's whether that's a quiet intimacy, like a soft intimacy, you're pulled towards each other, whether it's banter and wit, have a similar sense of humor, whether it is physical attraction, you just want to jump their bones and you can't help but kiss them and all the things.

Speaker 42 That to me is chemistry. And

Speaker 42 you want that,

Speaker 42 but chemistry won't build the long-term relationship, the long-term partnership that some people want. Not everyone, some people don't, but

Speaker 43 I loved your distinction between compatibility and similarity

Speaker 59 because I think that's

Speaker 54 to me that's the real hurdle for people.

Speaker 44 Because

Speaker 78 I talk about this where me and my wife are just completely the opposite people in terms of we don't have a lot in common when it comes to likes and dislikes and things like that.

Speaker 50 But from a values and vision point of view, we respect and we don't even have the directly the same values and vision, but we respect each other so much that it allows for a healthy relationship.

Speaker 36 So my purpose, my work is my number one priority and my wife's is her family.

Speaker 48 But I love when she spends time with her family and she loves seeing me pursue my purpose.

Speaker 36 And therefore, there isn't conflict.

Speaker 41 Whereas if she said, Jay, you have to give up your purpose to be with my family.

Speaker 43 Or if I said, well, you've got to give up your family to spend time with my purpose, that wouldn't work for us.

Speaker 50 And I find that to be a really common thing I hear from people where the biggest mistake you can make in a relationship is one of you wants the other person to change for them and the other person doesn't want you to change at all.

Speaker 50 And the truth is, you're both going to change but not in the ways the other person wants you to you're just going to be become who you are going to become

Speaker 6 and it's so interesting to me that i meet so many people who almost want their partner to play a very specific role in their life not realizing that that human is evolving growing and shifting themselves and is unlikely to do that There's a real opportunity to see beyond ourselves if we find that dynamic at play.

Speaker 42 where I need them to show up in this way. They need to be just so.
That's black and white thinking. That's right.
It's limiting to you.

Speaker 42 It's limiting to the other person and it's limiting to the relationship. That's the, and that's hard to accept because if you're outsourcing all of your needs, desires, and wants onto another person,

Speaker 42 you're going to be disappointed. And if you expect to be met in all the ways you want to be met all the time, you're going to be disappointed.
There has to be a bit of accountability there.

Speaker 42 Where am I not taking care of myself? Where am I not pursuing what I really want to spend my time, attention, and energy on?

Speaker 42 There's probably a bit of that that's lacking because if you expect someone else to do it for you, to change in all the ways you want,

Speaker 42 that's a self-centered view.

Speaker 42 And you can at the very least consider

Speaker 42 How important is everything that I'm asking for right now? Could I live without this and still be okay and still be happy? Maybe it's a season. Maybe it's just a season.

Speaker 42 People think love is supposed to carry them through decades and decades of relationships. Just love, just the feeling that it should be peaceful and restful all of the time.
Sometimes it's work.

Speaker 42 Some seasons are work where, hey, I really want this. And they say, I really don't.
And your top value is your commitment to each other, then you're going to figure it out.

Speaker 42 And that's probably going to be a stormy season.

Speaker 42 But no one really likes hearing that because it means we have to tolerate some disappointment and take some accountability, which doesn't always feel very good.

Speaker 40 Is love enough?

Speaker 42 Love the feeling or love the action. You to me, love the action is

Speaker 42 because love as an action is willingness,

Speaker 42 willingness to find the color, the nuance, the balance, willingness to learn to love someone how they want to be loved,

Speaker 42 Willingness to show up and be loving when you feel the least loving. You know, people say,

Speaker 42 I would die for my partner. I love them more than anything in this world.
I would literally lay down and die for them. Okay, but would you put your phone down when they're telling you about your day?

Speaker 42 Do you take their hand when you're walking down the sidewalk with them? Do you notice when they come home from work and their mood is a little off? Do you take the time to stop and ask them about it?

Speaker 42 To remember the little things that they tell you to care that's love that's love as an action that's what keeps connection love as a feeling will be fleeting if we don't follow it follow it through follow it up with action

Speaker 67 so there is a difference between love the feeling and love the action i think so do you yeah no i agree

Speaker 69 i agree no i never thought about it like that i think love the action requires

Speaker 48 so much more emotional intelligence and maturity than love the feeling. I think I was in love when I was 16.

Speaker 58 All the time.

Speaker 58 All the time. All the time.

Speaker 63 And

Speaker 53 I did not back that up with actions.

Speaker 25 I think going back to the piece about people changing, I think people change for people

Speaker 24 because they're so scared that that person has so many options.

Speaker 52 So I'd rather change to be everything you want me to be so that you don't leave me to find someone else.

Speaker 36 But in that process, I'll become someone I don't even recognize

Speaker 36 because I didn't want to become that person at all.

Speaker 40 And now you'll leave me anyway

Speaker 44 because

Speaker 69 you can tell I'm not really authentically that person.

Speaker 36 So it almost hurts twice.

Speaker 53 One in unbecoming yourself and then in losing the other person anyway, because you didn't become who they needed you to be.

Speaker 34 So many people today feel like there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Speaker 48 There's so many options.

Speaker 59 What do you do when you meet someone?

Speaker 2 You like them,

Speaker 48 but you can tell that they have some detachment because they have this idea that there's plenty of efficiency

Speaker 48 and you're trying to hold on to them.

Speaker 64 You can tell you're trying to hold on to them,

Speaker 64 knowing that they might ultimately let you go anyway.

Speaker 42 Do you value commitment?

Speaker 42 Do you value someone who also knows what they want?

Speaker 42 If you have a

Speaker 42 clear vision of the kind of relationship you want, the way you want your relationship to feel

Speaker 42 consistent, reliable, warm, fun,

Speaker 42 playful. When you understand that, it becomes a lot easier to discern who's for you and who's not.
Someone who's still worried about all the other fish in the sea, who's easily distracted, who

Speaker 42 catches their eye, that catches their eye, and you feel like you have to control them. If it feels like you have to control them, it's not love.

Speaker 42 And you can't build a relationship, a fulfilling relationship from that place.

Speaker 42 So if you notice that they don't value the same things you do, they don't value commitment in the same ways, then they're probably not not for you.

Speaker 42 Because the last thing you want to do is chase after them, try and convince them to want the same things that you want. And please, I'll show you how good it'll be if you'll just choose me.

Speaker 42 Then you end up losing yourself in a, in the very ways that you're trying to avoid in the first place.

Speaker 25 It's always hard.

Speaker 48 I always find that we're willing to tolerate bad behavior from someone we're really into versus someone we're kind of into.

Speaker 32 And so when we say we want reliability, if the person we're really into doesn't message back, we'll be patient.

Speaker 69 But if someone we're kind of into doesn't message back, we're like, oh, red flag.

Speaker 42 That was me. That was, I mean, that was,

Speaker 42 that was a childhood, childhood wound of, am I lovable? Am I difficult to love? Who do I have to become to get someone to choose me to pay attention to me? Right. So, ooh, you kind of like me.

Speaker 42 You kind of are interested. You kind of pay enough attention.
I'm going to get the other 50% of that attention from you. I'm going to earn it.

Speaker 42 I'm going to tolerate the hurt, the disrespect, because you're giving me a little bit of what I want and I'm going to prove it.

Speaker 42 And then I'd get into relationships, fully chosen, stable love, very good people. And I'd test them.
No, you don't. You're,

Speaker 42 I'm going to show you that I can rebel against this. I'm going to show you that I'm hard to love so that then I can come back and earn it again.
That is an.

Speaker 42 heal until you take accountability for it. It wasn't until I realized the pattern at play

Speaker 42 and I got sick of my own shit. I got sick of the same hurt, the same anxiety, the same cycles.
It's like, I don't want this.

Speaker 42 And then I took accountability and realized that the stability and the love that I was looking for was going to require me to make value-based decisions first and foremost and really show up and support myself and soothe myself when I wanted to run or when I wanted to beg or when I wanted to react.

Speaker 42 I had to learn to respond.

Speaker 42 Little tidbit about me.

Speaker 58 I was going to ask you,

Speaker 50 how bad did it have to get for you to take accountability?

Speaker 42 I really lost myself chasing

Speaker 42 the feeling of being chosen.

Speaker 42 Had given up on dreams.

Speaker 42 lost all confidence, tolerated just the worst possible behavior, just was a shell of myself, really and truly.

Speaker 42 And when you reach that level, when essentially rock bottom, you either have to pull yourself out or you realize how deep and dark it'll feel until you find the courage.

Speaker 58 And you don't want to live like that.

Speaker 42 I didn't want to live like that.

Speaker 42 I knew that there was an option and I knew it was going to be hard and I knew that it was going to take a hell of a lot of time, attention, understanding, patience for myself.

Speaker 42 But one of the best things, one of the best things I've ever done. A big piece of what actually got me into this work, quite frankly.

Speaker 58 Tell me about that.

Speaker 42 The pattern I was just talking about: you know, choose me, see me, what can I do to earn your attention? That primarily came from my mother.

Speaker 42 And my mother died of cancer

Speaker 42 back in 2019.

Speaker 42 And there was something about her death

Speaker 42 that was so devastating

Speaker 42 and yet so

Speaker 42 healing because of the way we were able to repair before she passed.

Speaker 42 So we got to have these conversations, peel back, be so honest, so honest, and the safety and space it created, feeling seen and chosen and loved in such a way, even though it was the end.

Speaker 42 There was something about that moment

Speaker 42 and obviously the journey of grief that came after that, that changed me to my core.

Speaker 42 And this was all happening around the same time.

Speaker 42 The feeling like I was at rock bottom, the death of my mother, there was so much going on there where I realized that I was looking for evidence to confirm or deny the beliefs that I had learned.

Speaker 42 in this mother-daughter dynamic growing up, that I was hard to love, that I was difficult to love, that I needed to fight to be chosen.

Speaker 58 I was looking for evidence to confirm that everywhere and it felt awful it felt awful

Speaker 42 so there was a bit of the love and support and honesty

Speaker 42 that i was able to find in these conversations with my mother

Speaker 42 and then the work that i did after she passed to learn to show up for myself and no longer tolerate

Speaker 42 those beliefs, no longer take those beliefs as fact. And that was really where the work was.
That's where the work came from.

Speaker 76 First of all, sorry for your loss, because

Speaker 76 it sounds like a really difficult time through everything that you just mentioned.

Speaker 43 And at the same time, my question is,

Speaker 53 how useful was it

Speaker 11 to repair with her?

Speaker 76 And could more of us

Speaker 76 heal our relationships with our future partners by repairing our relationships with our parents in any way?

Speaker 42 If you have the option,

Speaker 42 if you have the option, it's worth a try,

Speaker 42 but you don't need to.

Speaker 42 You don't need to. And I was so blessed and so lucky to be able to, number one, have the time before she passed because she was sick.

Speaker 42 But for her to also have an open heart and an open mind to meet me there, there, I know that that's not a luxury that everyone gets. And that's really hard.

Speaker 42 If anyone can relate to that, I just want to acknowledge how there's a grief in and of that, you know, that you don't have a parent that will meet you in such a way.

Speaker 42 You don't have a person of such importance that will meet you there.

Speaker 42 But there absolutely is a process of

Speaker 42 a similar strategy I just explained that you can do on your own,

Speaker 42 which is is meeting yourself in the ways you wish that parent would meet you. What do you wish they would say? What do you wish they would validate about you?

Speaker 42 Because my guess is what you wish they would validate about you are the same things you bring into those romantic relationships. I wish you would accept me.
I wish you would just love.

Speaker 42 I wish you would look at me and say, I'm so proud of you. I see you.

Speaker 42 There's probably a few flavors of that that show up in your conflict with your romantic partner, right? And if you're with someone who is safe and loving and patient romantically you're

Speaker 42 you can have some of these conversations with them hey i feel this way you know maybe it came from mom or dad maybe it didn't but communicating that sharing that that's how we grow in relationship is by bringing these beliefs hey what i'm feeling is this what i'm hearing in this conversation i heard you just say that you don't love me and you don't care about this relationship and they look at you like

Speaker 42 i just told you that that i that I was going to be home two hours late. What do you, I didn't,

Speaker 42 what? Right? That's, and that's where the understanding and the healing and the reprogramming really comes from. But it takes a hell of a lot of vulnerability.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 42 That's not always comfortable, but it's always worth it.

Speaker 58 Yeah. Always.

Speaker 25 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Speaker 67 Yeah, one of my early experiences of love was

Speaker 48 I was overloved and then I was made to feel guilty for not reciprocating back at that level.

Speaker 43 And so when I first started dating my wife, I would do exactly the same.

Speaker 49 I would overlove and then guilt her for not loving me in the same amount back.

Speaker 42 Scoreboard.

Speaker 55 Totally.

Speaker 47 And her reaction

Speaker 53 was very human and eventually helpful because I love her and there were so many other things that were so worthy of love that her reaction was just she pulled away

Speaker 44 because

Speaker 48 she didn't understand because at one point she'd be like well i didn't ask for you to overlove me

Speaker 78 and then she'd be like but i am loving you just not exactly perfectly in the way that you're saying it like

Speaker 25 and because i believed her and because i believe there was truth to it i remember the moment the penny dropped for me where i was like oh my gosh like this is exactly me repeating a pattern no wonder no one wants to and i saw my sister do the same and I just, I just noticed how like that was how we were trained to love.

Speaker 55 And I remember the moment I realized that and I could find all these other patterns in how I loved my wife in an unhealthy way.

Speaker 48 It just transformed our entire relationship because now there wasn't any of that.

Speaker 46 And it's so funny because I felt so righteous in that belief at the time that I was like, I must be right.

Speaker 36 Of course I'm right.

Speaker 75 I'm the one who's doing everything.

Speaker 42 Where did it turn?

Speaker 42 Where were your realization? When did it, was it something she said? Was it?

Speaker 36 Well, it was her pulling away.

Speaker 45 And it was almost like it kind of made the scoreboard not work.

Speaker 6 Because in my relationship with love, if someone did that to me, I just turned up how they wanted me to turn up.

Speaker 42 But what was the thing that helped you realize that it was a personal pattern?

Speaker 42 The accountability of, oh, shit, that's my stuff to own.

Speaker 59 I think it ended up, if I, because it was so long ago now, I believe it was probably ended up being a conversation

Speaker 68 where

Speaker 41 i think my wife said something to me like i

Speaker 66 just don't know what i could ever do to make you happy like i'm like i just don't know like even if i did this and i did this and i did that i don't even know if it would ever be enough

Speaker 63 and

Speaker 70 i think when she said that to me and i thought about it i was like yeah i think she's right I don't think it would have.

Speaker 50 Even if she did all those things that I said I wanted

Speaker 48 or thought back, it would never be enough because I'd just find something else and when I also started to realize that when I went above and beyond for her it was never because she asked for it or wanted it or even wanted the things I went above and beyond for so that was also self-inflicted and actually if I was more present and aware then maybe I'd meet her with where she wants and what she wants almost like you almost so like you could get love correct absolutely that I felt I had to earn it and so you're giving a lot thinking that's how you get love, not realizing love was in the everyday and the little things and the beautiful things and the, you know, the things that are there.

Speaker 6 And then, and then there was another conversation that we had.

Speaker 48 This was a few years later that was really illuminating was I said to her, I feel like I'm always planning our vacations.

Speaker 69 And I do all the planning and the detail and everything.

Speaker 73 And it's almost like I don't feel like I get the break.

Speaker 36 And she was like, I'm more than happy to plan it.

Speaker 77 But the difference is, she was like, when you plan something, I'll happily do whatever you plan.

Speaker 69 But when I plan something, you'll have a hundred things you'll find wrong with it and you'll be unhappy about it.

Speaker 39 And that really hit me because I was like, God, she's so right.

Speaker 67 Like, that's exactly what I would do.

Speaker 56 I would, I would be upset at the schedule and the timeline and everything because I have a viewpoint on how it should be done.

Speaker 5 And therefore, she allows me to plan it because she knows I'll be happier that way on both accounts.

Speaker 43 But so it's so interesting how so much of it is self-inflicted because I've found

Speaker 73 the more I take responsibility for how I need to change and the more she takes responsibility for how she needs to change, the better our relationship gets rather than her telling me how I need to change and me telling her how she needs to change.

Speaker 42 Well, and what a common, I call it the criticism and withdrawal loop. One person says, I want more.
The other person says, why is nothing that I do ever enough?

Speaker 42 And that can quickly spiral.

Speaker 42 Taking your story, for example,

Speaker 42 hey, I always plan these things. I would love it if you would plan the vacations more.
Yeah.

Speaker 42 She could easily say,

Speaker 42 I threw out this idea last time and you shut me down. And I tried to throw out this idea before, and you won't go for it.
Nothing I ever do is not, where do you want me to go with this?

Speaker 42 And it turns into this spiral. And then after that, there's a withdrawal or the criticism gets louder.
I told you you didn't plan this last vacation. And you know what?

Speaker 42 You haven't planned any date nights either. It all falls on me.

Speaker 58 What's really being communicated is, hey, can I share this mental mental load?

Speaker 42 Can we share in the emotional labor here a little bit?

Speaker 42 Can you show up and can you help? Can I get some support? Can I feel your connection?

Speaker 58 Right?

Speaker 42 That would mean a lot to me. And I'm a little overwhelmed.
I feel like I can't quite find the right words or the right thing. And it feels like

Speaker 42 you don't accept me. Like you don't.

Speaker 42 Like nothing I do is valued.

Speaker 42 Same, same driving intention, very different ways to approach the conversation. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 42 So, our ability to understand why something is bothering us

Speaker 42 and communicate that is paramount.

Speaker 42 In addition, being able to listen in for the intention, even if your partner can't explicitly communicate it, is also really important.

Speaker 42 Maybe you and Roddy can give everyone a masterclass.

Speaker 58 No,

Speaker 46 I think we both generally just, you know, it's been, I think for us generally, they've been very healthy conversations because we both have a

Speaker 48 similar understanding of not raising voices, not getting angry.

Speaker 50 Like we, we both have a good

Speaker 73 set of rules that I think we set early on what we wanted conflict to look like or disagreements to look like.

Speaker 42 Did you know to pick someone with such a temperament? Was it apparent when you first met each other? Or was that something that was communicated or happened coincidentally?

Speaker 53 I think I got lucky at the start and then

Speaker 48 became more conscious of as we got more serious

Speaker 73 and have become even more grateful as years have gone by.

Speaker 73 And so I think there was a bit of luck in the beginning and then

Speaker 42 developing it. Naturally drawn to her temperament, maybe.

Speaker 11 For sure, for sure.

Speaker 58 In that way.

Speaker 33 Yeah, there's definitely that.

Speaker 48 There was a natural draw, but it was an unconscious experience in the beginning, then became more conscious and focused and developed.

Speaker 70 And I always think that it's like you, you can get a lot of things right without not know, without knowing.

Speaker 50 But then once you know, it's good to focus on getting them better.

Speaker 51 Yes.

Speaker 57 But I wanted to ask you this question.

Speaker 53 You say, one of my favorite things that you say, you said in a video that you can tell how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen.

Speaker 58 Tell me about that.

Speaker 42 Well, I pose it as a question

Speaker 42 because

Speaker 42 if you hear someone say, in the video I think you're referring to,

Speaker 42 how would you feel if someone said that they can tell how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen? Does that feel like a compliment or an insult?

Speaker 42 And what it that really distills down to, I'm not passing a judgment on your relationship, but the way you feel about that question can offer a lot of insight. Have you

Speaker 42 tolerated treatment that

Speaker 42 really, really doesn't feel great? It doesn't really feel loving. It's not what someone would put up with if they loved themselves.
Or, man, I've chosen a really patient, loving, incredible person.

Speaker 42 You know, some part of me must like myself enough to choose someone who loves me in such a way. It's really, really mostly about reflection.

Speaker 42 What is it that we're choosing? And am I making decisions, building relationships, investing in relationships that reflect love, love for myself, and back to the values?

Speaker 42 Do you know, am I making decisions based on my values or am I stagnant? Am I complacent? Am I participating in this negative dynamic as well?

Speaker 42 It's really about reflection and seeing what comes up for people.

Speaker 55 Yeah, it's a great reflection.

Speaker 73 Such a great question.

Speaker 41 And it's a great way if you're dating right now

Speaker 43 to really make the right shifts and changes.

Speaker 16 Absolutely.

Speaker 46 And if you're married and you feel like you made the wrong decision, what would you do?

Speaker 43 If someone's listening to that and they're going, whew, like I'm listening to you right now, Q, and

Speaker 76 that feels tough

Speaker 48 because my partner's not present.

Speaker 39 I don't, I know they love me, but,

Speaker 53 you know, I'm not sure we, I think we lost it somewhere along the way.

Speaker 62 What would you say to them?

Speaker 42 I love that distinction too. I say dating is.

Speaker 42 Dating is about discernment. Marriage is about devotion.

Speaker 42 Not the other way around.

Speaker 58 Say that again.

Speaker 42 Dating is about discernment, not devotion. Devotion is to be saved for marriage or long-term relationships, long-term partnerships.
That's important as you're making decisions.

Speaker 42 But what I would say to someone who's realizing that maybe their relationship dynamic is not as loving as they would want it to be, first things first.

Speaker 42 Take a look at your side of the street. That doesn't mean, that doesn't mean it's your fault.
This is not a blame game.

Speaker 42 But if you envision the kind of relationship you want with this, this, with your husband, with your wife, with your partner, what does it consist of? And how can you add more of that now?

Speaker 42 How can you be the first to add, to try?

Speaker 42 How can you show up as the partner you want to be? Where's the appreciation for the ways that they are making effort? It's really easy to get sucked into the, into a disappointment spiral.

Speaker 42 Like you go down the the rabbit hole, and all you can see are the things that they aren't doing, the things they're doing wrong, the ways that they aren't showing up. Pull yourself out of that.

Speaker 42 If you want your relationship to work, you have to pull yourself out of that.

Speaker 42 Even if you choose to leave, don't choose to leave in the bottom of the disappointment spiral.

Speaker 58 Anyway,

Speaker 42 clean up your side of the street and go first.

Speaker 77 Great advice. Yeah.

Speaker 42 That's what I would say. The follow-up to that is have a conversation with your spouse.

Speaker 58 Hey,

Speaker 42 I want more of this because I love you. I feel really distant.
I feel really lonely. We both have a lot going on.
Can we come up with a plan to reconnect? What do you want more of?

Speaker 42 Here's what I want more of. Can we get on board? It doesn't have to be

Speaker 42 so humdrum, you know, negative. Oh, we have to fix this.
It can be an exciting thing if you want it to be.

Speaker 42 And if you come with the right energy and if it is the right person, then they'll at least try to meet you there.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 48 What's the difference between keeping someone accountable and trying to change them?

Speaker 42 I don't think you can keep people accountable.

Speaker 42 I don't really believe that it's possible.

Speaker 60 Or hold someone accountable.

Speaker 42 If you're with someone who's really lacking consistency, they're not really following through on their word, and you're thinking,

Speaker 42 I need a little bit more here. They're not taking initiative.
I can't trust them to do what they say that they're going to do. You can bring that up.
This is what I'm noticing.

Speaker 42 I'm finding it hard to rely on you because you haven't done the things that you said that you're going to do. I mean, can we talk about this?

Speaker 42 And if they say, I want to be a more consistent, reliable person, thank you for bringing that to my attention. Great.
Now they want to make that change. You've brought it to light.

Speaker 42 It is on them to make the change.

Speaker 42 You can lovingly, hey, again, this thing didn't get done, but it's the buck stops there.

Speaker 42 You can't be, you can't be breathing down their neck. You definitely don't want to meet them with criticism or constant disappointment.
People don't actually change from that place.

Speaker 42 So if they want to make the change themselves, great, beautiful, the onus is on them.

Speaker 42 You can be loving and supportive in the process, but I don't believe that we can really hold people accountable and we definitely can't force them to change.

Speaker 73 I fully agree.

Speaker 55 And I think the hardest part of it is you know how hard it is to change yourself.

Speaker 23 So even when someone says they want to change themselves, you've got to realize how hard that is, right?

Speaker 75 You may have your partner say to you, yeah, I really do want to work out and get in the gym more.

Speaker 78 And then they're never in the gym, they're always watching sport, they're hanging out, whatever it is.

Speaker 22 You know how hard that is to do.

Speaker 33 And so it's such an interesting dynamic because we almost think change should be really easy for other people, knowing that it's really hard for ourselves.

Speaker 41 And then when they don't change, we're upset or disappointed in them.

Speaker 71 And if you just thought for a second about how hard it is to change yourself and build good habits yourself, I think you'd have more empathy and compassion for someone else.

Speaker 39 That's that's how I see it at least.

Speaker 42 We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and we tend to judge others by their actions or their follow-through or the result of their thing, right? So I meant to go to the gym five days this week.

Speaker 42 I really only made it once, but I intended to.

Speaker 42 I had a lot going on. My intentions were good.
I tried. They don't go to the gym five times a week.
They only go once and suddenly it's a reflection of their character, right? They're unreliable.

Speaker 42 They lack discipline. They aren't motivated.

Speaker 42 Hold on here. Let's let's find the color amongst all this black and white thinking.

Speaker 58 I totally agree.

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's the toughest one I see.

Speaker 34 It's, I always just feel like,

Speaker 49 and that's why I love that you said start on your side of the street, because I think a lot of relationship language and podcasting and conversations right now are all about how do you spot if someone's good.

Speaker 70 And I'm just like, oh, it's a dangerous game to play because in that scenario, you're always the detective and the secret agent and the other person's always the villain in some way.

Speaker 43 And while that can be true in certain cases where there's extremes, the reality is most of us are all flawed and making mistakes at the same time.

Speaker 42 And if you want

Speaker 42 a peaceful, emotionally intelligent person, right, with all the, all of these traits that are, that are wonderful, I love that for you.

Speaker 42 You have to be the other half of that relationship,

Speaker 42 right? You also want to be patient and calm, slow to conflict, kind with your words, even when you're frustrated. You can handle some disappointment and

Speaker 42 you want to be the other half of that loving relationship.

Speaker 42 It's not going to come from focusing on all the red flags you need to look out for and all the things that the specific ways they need to show up to prove to you that they are who they say that they are.

Speaker 42 Focus on your side of the street, focus on being the other half of this relationship that you want so badly, rather than trying to figure out the quick fixes to avoid all of the bad fish in the sea.

Speaker 42 It's a waste of time, in my opinion.

Speaker 41 You said in one of your videos: the only people who are upset with your boundaries are the very same people who directly benefit from you not having any.

Speaker 16 I love that.

Speaker 48 Can you explain?

Speaker 42 Someone who loves you wants wants you to have boundaries. Someone who loves you wants there to be limits on what you will and won't tolerate, what you have capacity for or don't have capacity for.

Speaker 42 That is necessary.

Speaker 42 Someone who loves you, and better yet, someone you want in your life. We can argue all day, do they love me or do they not?

Speaker 42 If they're disrespecting your boundaries, you probably don't want them to have much access to you energetically, emotionally.

Speaker 42 At the end of the day, boundaries aren't designed to keep people out, they aren't designed to hurt anyone's feelings, they're designed to maintain your

Speaker 42 finite amount of energy and attention, right?

Speaker 42 I can't say yes to everything, it doesn't have, I can't say yes to everything and still show up in the ways that I want to show up, you know, keep the character and integrity that I really like about myself.

Speaker 42 There's no way to do that. Someone who loves me is going to encourage that and respect that.

Speaker 42 And the people who benefit benefit from you not having it, the people who want to take more from you, who want more and more and more, who are more self-centered, they won't care.

Speaker 42 They won't care if it's good for you or bad for you or not. They're more focused on themselves.
And that's disrespectful. That's not loving.

Speaker 42 And that's not someone who should have an infinite amount of access to you.

Speaker 25 How do you set an effective boundary?

Speaker 43 Because I think we've got used to the language, but we don't really know how to do it.

Speaker 67 We think that a boundary protects you from other people, but really a boundary is something that protects you from yourself and your natural triggers or ways of behavior.

Speaker 50 So, how do we set a behavior that protects us rather than trying to keep other people out?

Speaker 42 A boundary is: I will or won't blank if blank.

Speaker 58 I will or won't blank if blank.

Speaker 42 So, that means it is all within your control. I won't participate in this conversation if you yell at me again.
I won't.

Speaker 42 I'm going to have to walk away.

Speaker 59 Yeah. And you're not saying that to them.

Speaker 40 You need to know that as well.

Speaker 58 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 42 And either or, right? I don't want to participate in a relationship with someone who lies to me. I won't.
I will not. You need to know that for yourself.
Absolutely.

Speaker 42 You could share these things with other people, right? Back to the

Speaker 42 conversation with difficult parents or contentious relationships with your parents. You know, I I really value our relationship, but I won't stay if you keep talking to me that way.

Speaker 42 If you keep bringing up that issue, I'm going to walk away. I will blank if blank is a boundary.
Not you can't blank, blank, blank. Not you better not.

Speaker 42 It's not a threat. It's a rule for yourself.
And your boundaries are for you to respect.

Speaker 14 And that's the hardest part, right?

Speaker 36 I feel like we compromise our own boundaries.

Speaker 49 So we say things like, I won't participate in this conversation if you lie to me.

Speaker 41 But then we continue to participate because it's not really a boundary.

Speaker 49 It's hoping they won't lie to you.

Speaker 16 We're saying it hoping you'll stop lying if I threaten you.

Speaker 43 Yes.

Speaker 59 But you just said it's not a threat.

Speaker 70 It's a boundary if we recognize I have to leave now.

Speaker 23 So if you're lying, I now have to walk away, but we don't want to do that because we're hoping they change.

Speaker 42 Yes.

Speaker 48 So it's like a secret, hidden hope as opposed to a a boundary.

Speaker 42 The manipulation that you just kind of described, like I'm going to say that I won't tolerate it, but then if you actually do it, then I will say, because what I'm really trying to get is you to show up for me and trying to get you to love me.

Speaker 42 So I'm going to mix in this threat. That's, that's, that's a hell of a lot of manipulation.

Speaker 42 Rather than having your own back, like really respecting yourself enough to say, I will not tolerate this.

Speaker 42 My self-respect is not worth the emotional turmoil that comes from allowing this kind of behavior. That's really hard.
That's really hard.

Speaker 42 You have to choose your self-respect over your desire to be chosen or your desire to not be alone.

Speaker 42 That's paramount. Absolutely.

Speaker 25 Is there such a thing as the one or a soulmate?

Speaker 42 The one is the one that you choose.

Speaker 42 The one

Speaker 42 is the person

Speaker 42 whose natural essence complements yours in a way

Speaker 42 that makes love and growth a little bit easier?

Speaker 58 A little bit, right?

Speaker 42 It's a little bit.

Speaker 42 Sometimes it's still hard. But ideally, you choose well.

Speaker 42 You use discernment in the beginning. You admire someone's integrity.
You really respect them. You really cherish them,

Speaker 42 you like them, which is often an overlooked one.

Speaker 42 You know,

Speaker 42 he's this tall and he makes this much money, so he'll be the one. Well, okay, but do you like the guy? You know, it's really important.
And then you build the relationship from there.

Speaker 42 respecting the other person, respecting yourself, and again, creating this third entity. One thing I also think is overlooked when it comes to choosing the one

Speaker 42 and being the one. This is a, this is, this works for both sides.
You need to be your partner, your person's biggest fan.

Speaker 42 I mean that with my whole heart. You need to be your partner's biggest fan.

Speaker 42 And if you can't, then you either need to check in on your insecurities, you either need to pay attention, or you've chosen the wrong person.

Speaker 42 If you don't want their dreams to come true, if you don't want them to succeed, if you don't want them to be their happiest, best self,

Speaker 42 do not promise to spend a lifetime with them. I really, really think that that's important and not talked about enough.
I don't hear that very much. We talk about the conflict stuff, right?

Speaker 42 We talk about how to handle boundaries and how to do all of that, but you want someone in your corner.

Speaker 42 You want someone in your corner on your worst days, on your best days, and you want to feel like you're on the same team.

Speaker 42 And I deeply believe you need to be your person's biggest fan and that contributes to them being the one and building the right relationship.

Speaker 8 That's not crazy.

Speaker 9 That's ambitious.

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Speaker 58 Deborah had to have surgery.

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Speaker 75 When you were saying that, it was reminding me of wedding vows.

Speaker 25 And I was thinking about how

Speaker 43 we spend so long

Speaker 80 planning a wedding and not building a marriage.

Speaker 43 And just the discrepancy between the two, even how long you'll take to write your vows.

Speaker 76 But then to live live up to those vows takes a whole different set of skills.

Speaker 63 And

Speaker 48 we don't really put that much effort into building those skills and working on those parts.

Speaker 42 Maintaining those skills.

Speaker 48 Maintaining those skills.

Speaker 64 How do you know if you're in love with someone or just the idea of them?

Speaker 42 How do you know if you're in love with someone or just the idea of them? Is there a difference between how you

Speaker 42 wish they would be and how they actually are?

Speaker 42 How wide is that gap?

Speaker 42 How much of

Speaker 42 the relationship do you actually enjoy versus how much time are you spending trying to change them, trying to change the dynamic?

Speaker 42 I like to say, if you allow your person to be exactly who they want to be, without molding them, without controlling them, without micromanaging them, but you allow them to show up just as they are, does that help you feel more or less like the person you want to be?

Speaker 42 Does that feel more or less like the kind of relationship you want to be in?

Speaker 42 It doesn't mean it's perfect. It doesn't mean it's all the time.

Speaker 42 But if you, it doesn't mean that they won't change, doesn't mean you can't change, but if you really allow them to be, if you accept them for exactly who they are, does that help or hinder?

Speaker 42 what you want love to feel like.

Speaker 42 That's one question to ask.

Speaker 73 Yeah, it's a great question.

Speaker 51 I love that question.

Speaker 22 It's such an important question because that is who you're with 90% of the time.

Speaker 67 And that is what you'll experience.

Speaker 25 And

Speaker 67 yeah, if you're in love with the idea of them, then you're absolutely right.

Speaker 72 Your answer to that question will be no

Speaker 77 because I want them to be a bit more this, a bit more that, a bit more this.

Speaker 42 And do you need a bit more, is, is that bit more that you're missing really, really important to you?

Speaker 42 If it is, by all means, do what you got to do. But I think a lot of times we fool ourselves into thinking that the little bits that we're missing

Speaker 42 are make or breaks.

Speaker 42 And

Speaker 42 we forget that loving someone is such an honor.

Speaker 42 And this is more so geared towards long-term relationships, marriages of sorts, but it's a real honor to be able to love someone through several seasons of their life,

Speaker 42 to be able to be

Speaker 42 their support system, to be the smiling face that picks them up on a day when they feel shitty, to be there when they lose someone that they love or they lose an opportunity or they hit their highest high,

Speaker 42 to sit with them on a Sunday night on the couch every Sunday for years and years.

Speaker 42 I mean, it's an honor to love someone and to be there.

Speaker 42 And sometimes I just think we need to reframe the way that we view the person we're with as

Speaker 42 a whole human all on their own that we get the honor to love.

Speaker 42 And that tends,

Speaker 42 that tends to clear out a lot of the little bits that we aren't getting. Yeah, that's beautiful.
You look at that person and you think, my God, I really do love them.

Speaker 42 Look at the way that they do the dishes or tie their shoes. I love the way that they drive, the way they dance to music.

Speaker 42 I love to watch them get ready and put, you know, do their morning routine or whatever. Like, you just look at that human and remember remember that it's an honor

Speaker 42 to love them. And maybe that'll clear out some of the bits that you're missing.
Yeah.

Speaker 36 What do you wish people asked themselves before they got married?

Speaker 42 Do I want to be a partner or do I want a spouse?

Speaker 42 And the difference there is when you want to be a partner,

Speaker 42 when you want to be

Speaker 42 someone's support system, when you want to be the co-creator of the marriage that you're about to step into, the life that you're going to build, there's accountability and responsibility in that.

Speaker 42 And

Speaker 42 it really allows you to focus on what you can control, which is how you show up.

Speaker 42 Now, assuming you're walking to that altar and you know this person pretty damn well and you've spent a good long time seeing who they are, understanding their their heart, really caring for them, all of that.

Speaker 42 You're going to have to remember

Speaker 42 that sometimes the best you can do is show up as the partner you want to be, that you want to be, even if your seasons are misaligned.

Speaker 42 Matthew McConaughey has this great bit in a podcast that he did where he says, sometimes you're walking and they're running. And sometimes you're running and they're walking.

Speaker 42 And you just have to make sure that one doesn't get too far ahead of the other.

Speaker 58 And I love that. Yeah.
I love him. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 68 Yeah. I love that too.

Speaker 42 I think that's well said.

Speaker 51 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 34 And I think it's about how you communicate when you are that.

Speaker 36 I, I've always thought about it as sometimes me and my wife are driving to the same event, but we're driving separately.

Speaker 40 She's going to get there early and I'm going to be late.

Speaker 55 And so I'm on the phone.

Speaker 80 I'm like, hey, I'm going to be late.

Speaker 78 And she's like, well, I'm going to be early.

Speaker 41 And I'm like, okay, well, do you want to wait for me because you want to go in together?

Speaker 64 Or do you want to go in without me and I'll follow you in there?

Speaker 55 And she's like, no, I want to wait for you to go in there together.

Speaker 41 And it's like, you're both driving separately, but you're talking to each other the whole time about where you're at.

Speaker 36 And that's that conversation that calms you both down rather than you have no idea what time that person's getting there.

Speaker 72 One of the challenges I find is that everyone wants their, a lot of what I hear is people want their partner to talk to them more emotionally and tell them more.

Speaker 63 And

Speaker 55 there's a lot of people who don't want to do that or don't know how to do that or don't feel the need for it.

Speaker 53 And the person who wants to talk kind of gets a a bit annoyed and frustrated and upset that their partner won't talk.

Speaker 43 What's your advice in that scenario?

Speaker 42 What's the loving thing to do?

Speaker 42 You know, and that probably requires both sides of the aisle to adjust a little bit. You're not going to get perfect words all the time.
It's not going to happen.

Speaker 42 And you're going to have to give imperfect words a lot of the time. You're going to have to try.

Speaker 42 My aunt and uncle are in their mid-70s, early 70s. They've been married for 25, 30 years, something like that.
And we were just having a conversation the other night.

Speaker 42 I was asking my uncle John, I said, What is your secret to this? What's the magic? How has this happened? They're probably the happiest couple I know,

Speaker 42 incredible. And he said,

Speaker 42 She tells me what she wants to hear, and I repeat it back to her. And he meant, Jay, he meant it with his full chest.
I've seen them do it.

Speaker 42 My aunt Beth will say, I need you to tell me that this is going to be okay. You hear me, you've got my back, and you've got it covered.
And he will recite it right back to her word for word.

Speaker 42 And they say, okay, I love you and leave it there. And

Speaker 42 some people will think, but if I have to say it, if I have to tell them what to say, it doesn't matter. It's, it, it erodes the value and this, that, and the other.

Speaker 42 If your person is asking to be loved in a specific way,

Speaker 42 put your stuff aside and show up to the best of your ability. It will not be perfect all the time.
It sure as hell won't. But do the loving thing.

Speaker 42 And that is typically to show up in the ways that your partner is explicitly asking you to. If you want bonus points, anticipate some of those needs, right?

Speaker 42 Pay attention and try to do it without having to be asked. But don't knock the direct communication and then choosing the loving thing to do.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 29 How do you

Speaker 43 start to trust yourself again when someone breaks up with you that you thought you were going to be with for a long time?

Speaker 42 Well, step one, grieve.

Speaker 42 You know, there's an acute phase of heartbreak where you don't have to do anything right or well. You can just be.
That's step number one, especially if it's a

Speaker 42 breakup after a long, long relationship. The next step is reflection.

Speaker 42 You know, right now, the story might be, they left me. They didn't love me.
All those years were wasted. How could I have done that? I should have known, right? I must be disposable.

Speaker 42 It's a lot. That's harsh.
There's more color in that story. So what were some of the red flags or some of the, even just the disconnection, the things that weren't working?

Speaker 42 Take some accountability in that. You know, I didn't communicate as well as I really wish that I would have.
Or you know what?

Speaker 42 I stayed way too long because I tried to communicate and that person wasn't meeting me. That was really difficult.

Speaker 42 Take some some accountability around how you may have contributed, what you want in your relationship moving forward, and more so focusing on who you want to be now that that chapter has closed.

Speaker 42 Because I can tell you one thing: the person who is for you is the person who wants to be with you.

Speaker 42 If they aren't willing to try, they're definitely not your person.

Speaker 42 And I think that most things,

Speaker 42 most relationships can be worked out if they're, if two people are willing, if you want it to, barring some extreme cases. But

Speaker 42 if they're not willing, they're not your person. Now, when it comes to moving on specifically,

Speaker 42 I always say stop trying because we think that if, okay, if I just do all of these steps, I have to do this in the morning and this at night, and this is my evening routine, and then I'll wake up someday and I'll be moved on as if it's a destination.

Speaker 42 I say, imagine yourself, tomorrow morning, you wake up and you get what you wanted. You want to move on.
You want to trust yourself again.

Speaker 42 If you knew for certain that you would wake up tomorrow and that was your reality, what would you do with yourself?

Speaker 73 Oh, that's such a good question.

Speaker 58 What would you think about?

Speaker 42 How would you spend your time? What would you invest your energy into? Who would you spend your time with? What would you think about? What would you talk about?

Speaker 42 And then just start to do some of those things.

Speaker 42 Bring the grief with you. It's probably not going to happen as fast as you want it to, but you want a direction.
You want a clearer vision of where you're going so that you can head in that direction.

Speaker 43 Yeah, so good.

Speaker 36 That's such a good answer because,

Speaker 48 yeah, all the little tips and tricks to try and move on quick, it doesn't process like that.

Speaker 53 And I love the idea of what would your life look like if you'd already moved on because that's what you're waiting for.

Speaker 39 You're waiting for that anyway.

Speaker 3 You're waiting for the day you've moved on and you can say, I'm over it.

Speaker 56 and I'm ready for whatever.

Speaker 37 What is it? What does that look like?

Speaker 43 And start mirroring that today.

Speaker 69 That's brilliant.

Speaker 42 You want the thing, right? I just want to move on.

Speaker 42 What does that even mean to you? Like, let's define it.

Speaker 42 That gives you something to move towards, which is so important. And moving on doesn't even necessarily mean that you don't care.
You might still care.

Speaker 42 You might care about that person for the rest of your life. Yes.
But you want to build whatever your next chapter is to be as enjoyable and intentional as possible. Yes.

Speaker 42 And that gives you somewhere to go.

Speaker 44 Yes.

Speaker 48 And most of the, I was coaching someone earlier this year and they were going through a a breakup.

Speaker 15 And the first month they broke up, they talked about it every day.

Speaker 68 The second month after they broke up, they talked about every other day. The third month, they talked about it every three days.

Speaker 78 The fourth month, they talked about it once a week.

Speaker 78 And then the fifth month, they thought about it once a month.

Speaker 49 And I had to remind them of that.

Speaker 75 Because to them, every reminder was as sharp as remembering it every day.

Speaker 40 And I like people to think about it like that.

Speaker 36 You're not trying to get to a point where tomorrow you don't think about it at all.

Speaker 49 You're just thinking about it less because your life looks like how you want it to be and what it would be like if you were free.

Speaker 45 And I've always thought about that mindset, even when I've had, even when you think about physical pain, if you want to wake up tomorrow and you've had surgery or you're hurt or whatever, and you want to be completely healed, it would never happen.

Speaker 67 You'll only ever be 1% better if you did all the right things.

Speaker 32 And as soon as you accept that all I need to do is be 1% better today, all of a sudden you see that progress.

Speaker 41 But when you're looking to be 100% better and you aren't, now you feel 99% behind.

Speaker 32 And it just becomes so amplified.

Speaker 55 And that's what it feels like to be wanting to heal from a breakup and you're constantly feeling on, why haven't I healed yet?

Speaker 49 That's that 90%.

Speaker 42 And oftentimes there are beliefs, almost, almost identities that we find ourselves trying to

Speaker 42 find ourselves wrestling with when a breakup happens. No one will choose me.
I'm never good enough. Nothing that I do is good enough.
No one will stay. It was all my fault or it was all their fault.

Speaker 42 How could they? And we find these, these absolutes that are really, really difficult to do anything productive with. Truly.
I mean, it doesn't, it doesn't make you feel better emotionally.

Speaker 42 You, you can't really move yourself forward from there. And, and that's what I say about just be, be malleable with the story

Speaker 42 for a while, for the first month, for the first, add a maybe,

Speaker 42 add a question mark to the end of that. Like, I'm difficult to love.
Question mark?

Speaker 58 Just, just, that's it.

Speaker 42 Don't wrestle with the absolutes. Give yourself time and space to consider another narrative because I promise you, there's color.
There's nuance in that.

Speaker 42 They didn't leave because you're hard to love.

Speaker 42 Someone choosing not to love you is not a reflection of how lovable or unlovable you are. So you know that.
Don't wrestle with the absolute.

Speaker 42 Give yourself time and space would be another piece of advice.

Speaker 73 I like the question, Mark. That's good.

Speaker 58 Yeah,

Speaker 30 it's true. It's true.

Speaker 7 It's totally true. It's totally true.
I love that.

Speaker 50 Q, have you ever had your heart broken?

Speaker 42 Many times, in many different ways.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 42 And it's,

Speaker 42 I have a, I have an interesting relationship with grief now.

Speaker 42 And in part, of course, my mom is a big part of that, but losing relationships and growing through heartbreak has always been a catalyst for me. And I don't say that as

Speaker 42 like, I'm so high and mighty and this is so impressive. No, it's usually quite ugly and it's usually quite messy to really look at yourself and put the pieces back together and try to move on.

Speaker 42 But I've always come out the other side liking myself more,

Speaker 42 accepting uglier parts of myself that I don't think I accepted previously.

Speaker 42 You got to take a real look at why you did what you did, how you showed up, the people that you chose.

Speaker 42 And sometimes that means accepting, like, man, I've been,

Speaker 42 I haven't been making the best choices. And I have to, you have to love that.
You have to accept that. And

Speaker 42 it expands your capacity in a way that allows for the emotional flexibility we were talking about earlier, where

Speaker 42 the deepest heartbreak, losing my mom,

Speaker 42 losing people that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, losing that

Speaker 42 makes everything else a little bit easier to process. If I can survive that,

Speaker 42 I can survive a lot.

Speaker 58 Yeah. A lot.

Speaker 42 And I've been there through all of that. I've picked myself back up.
I've built a support system of people who remind me of that when I forget, right?

Speaker 42 But I really learned to like myself. I really learned to trust myself.
And I really learned that there can be beauty in the mess if you stay put and go through it long enough to find

Speaker 42 the bigger story, the bigger meaning, the bigger narrative.

Speaker 28 Q, we end every

Speaker 60 episode of On Purpose with a final five.

Speaker 62 These five questions have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.

Speaker 76 And so, Q, these are your final five.

Speaker 77 The first question is, what is is the best love advice you've ever heard or received?

Speaker 42 Do the loving thing.

Speaker 42 Comma and choose appreciation.

Speaker 58 Love it.

Speaker 10 You can do that. That's good.

Speaker 58 Comma the five.

Speaker 24 That was very well done.

Speaker 77 Second question, what is the worst love advice you've ever heard or received?

Speaker 42 Match their energy.

Speaker 42 Two wrongs don't make a right.

Speaker 42 That's the reality. You don't, matching someone's energy means you're handing over your power.

Speaker 42 Your power is in how you respond. Your power is in your intention.
Are you going to add more negativity to a situation you don't already, you already don't like?

Speaker 42 Maybe you can choose how you want to respond rather than matching someone's energy.

Speaker 42 And even more so, maybe your love, your decision to meet them in a way that they can't seem to meet themselves in that moment is exactly what they need.

Speaker 51 Love that.

Speaker 41 I always say to people, you don't,

Speaker 43 you don't mess up your living room just because someone messy is coming over.

Speaker 58 You just don't do that.

Speaker 43 Like, it's like, I'm not going to match that energy because then I'm going to start walking over my rugs with my dirty shoes. And

Speaker 43 why would I do that just because someone's coming over? It's like, no, they're a messy person. That's fine.

Speaker 72 That's their mind and their space. And I'm not going to mess up my mind because we're interacting.

Speaker 42 It's a very inauthentic way to move through the world, to build relationships.

Speaker 73 Absolutely.

Speaker 48 Question number three.

Speaker 43 What did you used to believe to be true about love and romance that you don't anymore?

Speaker 42 I used to believe that love the feeling was enough. It's fantastical.
It's alluring, right?

Speaker 42 That someone will show up and your whole life will be better. Everything, you'll be whisked away by their love and live happily ever after.
That's not a story that you really want.

Speaker 42 You know, you want

Speaker 42 to build a relationship intentionally.

Speaker 42 You want to choose to give love and to build love and to build this relationship. And sometimes it takes those shitty moments, those really tough moments, to remind you how much you value.

Speaker 42 the really good moments. And I think if love was just a feeling, we would miss a lot of that.
Love is consideration, the action, the willingness to continue showing up and

Speaker 42 creating more of it.

Speaker 67 Question number four: What's something that you used to value that you don't value anymore?

Speaker 42 Being understood.

Speaker 42 People can really only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves,

Speaker 42 which means that some people simply won't have the ability to understand you. And that's okay.

Speaker 42 You don't need to fight

Speaker 42 to be heard, to be seen, to be approved of.

Speaker 42 Sometimes it's just okay to say,

Speaker 42 We don't agree.

Speaker 42 I don't think you understand

Speaker 42 and let it be.

Speaker 43 Okay, fifth and final question: we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show.

Speaker 78 If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

Speaker 42 To live within your integrity,

Speaker 42 to decide

Speaker 42 for each person individually, like what is right to you, what kind of person do you want to be? What is true for you, your truth?

Speaker 42 What kind of person do you strive to be? So much so that it feels in your bones, in your heart, just right.

Speaker 42 I wish it was a law that everyone had to figure out what that meant to them.

Speaker 42 And then they had to act on it

Speaker 42 consistently. Because I really believe

Speaker 42 that most, if not all of us, would choose to be good people,

Speaker 42 would choose to make value-based decisions, kind decisions, loving decisions, not

Speaker 42 fear-based, hurtful, destructive decisions. I really believe that if we were all living within integrity, if we had the courage to understand that for ourselves, that we...
we would do a lot of good.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 51 I love that.

Speaker 42 That would be our law.

Speaker 76 Thank you. Thank you so much.

Speaker 6 Everyone who's been listening and watching, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're driving to or from work, whether you're cooking, I'm so grateful that you joined us.

Speaker 60 Please make sure that you follow Quinlan Walfer on social media across platforms.

Speaker 23 And

Speaker 36 I want to know what resonated with you.

Speaker 41 I want to know what connected with you.

Speaker 25 So tag us both, take the clips, post them, let us know what resonated, what really got through to you.

Speaker 36 Share this with a friend who may be going through a breakup issue, maybe moving in with someone, maybe a friend's getting married soon.

Speaker 36 This could be one of those episodes that I think you can listen to, your friends and family can listen to and connect with no matter where they are on their love and romance journey.

Speaker 73 And again, Q, thank you so much for showing up so authentically.

Speaker 25 It was so great to just go back and forth with you and dissect so many different themes and topics.

Speaker 49 I'm so grateful to spend time with you and I can't wait to have you back.

Speaker 42 Thank you, Jay. Such a pleasure.
Thanks, man.

Speaker 58 Appreciate it.

Speaker 3 Hey, everyone.

Speaker 35 If you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.

Speaker 35 If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

Speaker 42 If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue.
It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
It's so lovely.

Speaker 58 Today, we're exploring deep in the North American wilderness among nature's wildest plants, animals, and

Speaker 58 cows.

Speaker 84 Uh, you're actually on an Organic Valley dairy farm where nutritious, delicious organic food gets its start. But there's so much nature.
Exactly.

Speaker 84 Organic Valley small family farms protect the land and the plants and animals that call it home.

Speaker 58 Extraordinary.

Speaker 84 Sure is. Organic Valley, protecting where your food comes from.
Learn more about their delicious dairy at OV.coop.

Speaker 85 Top reasons your career wants you to move to Ohio. So many amazing growth opportunities, high-paying jobs in technology, advanced manufacturing, engineering, life sciences, and more.

Speaker 85 You'll soar to new heights, just like the Wright brothers, John Glenn, even Neil Armstrong. Their careers all took off in Ohio, and yours can too.

Speaker 85 A job that can take you further and a place you can't wait to come home to. Have it all in the heart of it all.
Launch your search at callohiohome.com.

Speaker 1 This is an iHeart podcast.

Quinlan Walther: Stop Chasing Love Just Because You’re Lonely! (Do THIS to Attract the RIGHT Relationship)

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Transcript

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