Is Troy Aikman the White Jay-Z? Does LeBron Use Gmail? And More of Your Burning Curiosities, Solved

Welcome to Pablo Torre Finds Out.

I am Pablo Torre, and today we're going to find out what this sound is.

You did ask me to comment on one of my favorite, favorite topics.

Actually, my favorite topic.

Gancha.

Right after this ad.

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I am uniquely excited for what we're about to do here.

Yeah, same.

So we have existed here at Pablo Torrey finds out, Cortez, for a month now.

We fing did it.

All the haters, bro.

Our many haters and losers who have said that we could not possibly keep finding out stuff.

That's right.

Eat it.

Eat it, bro.

We found out that you have to eat it.

I would not like to eat it.

The haters can eat it.

Yeah.

And the way you directed that to me is kind of like you were telling me that I made for the podcast audience.

I was directing it at you, if you are in fact a loser and a hater.

But I am mindful of said haters and losers, of which there are many.

Not that many, actually.

It's disturbingly popular this show.

I'm mindful of what we're doing

with this episode because I am concerned that because we're doing, it's not a mailbag.

I'll be very, very clear.

What we're doing here is not a mailbag, but I'm concerned because we're about to take and play voicemails here that people think that we have found out that we can't keep finding out stuff.

And now we're officially just using our beautiful, winning listeners as a crutch.

Pablo, what you described sounds to me like a mailbag.

It's not a mailbag.

But what are you describing?

It sounds like a mailbag.

It is a voicemail bag.

51385 pablo look the background's different on today's show um and in fact

we've been get we How many have we gotten so far, Cortez?

Dude, I've sifted through so many, like all of the hundreds of voicemails, which thank you to everybody.

Yes, we greatly appreciate the care and passion.

Hundreds, though, to answer your question, just so many of them.

And it's been a lot.

So I appreciate it.

I think we're up to like 300, almost 300.

Counting and counting.

Please keep calling.

51385 Pablo.

I just want to explain how this is working, right?

For us as a show.

Like the way it's working is we have access to all of these voicemails.

And in the early setup to just like figuring out how are we going to actually pick which ones to answer and investigate,

our staff noticed that the second voicemail ever left was this one.

Hey, Pablo, first time, long time.

Just wanted to know if you had any thoughts on the Miami Heat and Jimmy Butler and Damian Lillard.

Just curious.

Thank you.

This is not a joke.

This was actually what you did.

Me?

Ryan Cortez.

This is sad.

Legitimately sad.

You left this, in the time it took for this episode to be produced, your world as Miami Heat Minister of Propaganda fell completely apart.

That person that left that voicemail was a different person than the person you're speaking to.

Adrian Warjanowski is the man behind the news.

Damian Lillard from Portland to Milwaukee.

Breaking news on this NFL Sunday in the NBA.

The Celtics have acquired Drew Holiday to trade with the Trailblazers.

And in fact, we left

word with a different person who, well, go on.

We should play the voicemail that they left in response to the voicemail that I just played, which I shared.

Let me hear it.

Let me hear it.

Hey, Pablo, it's Mike Shore.

I've been listening to the Lebatard folks talk about Tim Lillard and the Heat and Pat Riley and the NBA and a bunch of conspiracy theories.

And I'm wondering if you could find something out for me.

You know how there is like that cat bacteria that affects the human brain?

I think it's called toxoplasmosis or something.

It's like a bacterial infection caused by cats, and it gets into people's brains and causes them to have like extreme and very bizarre reactions to things.

Can you find out for me whether there isn't a similar situation going on in the city of Miami or the Miami-Bay County area related to the Miami?

In other words, is there something leading out of the He organization that causes its fans to behave in a way that a person might behave if it's infected with a bacteria from a cat?

That's what I'd like you to find out for me, and I can't wait to hear the episode.

I hate him.

I hate him.

Response.

First of all, I'm very pro-writers in the strike, but I will say seeing Mike Scher on the sideline made me like just pause for a second.

It made you root for.

Well, no, no, I'm still pro-writer, but I'm just saying, just seeing his face upset me so much that I just took a pause and said, am I sure that I'm on the right side of this?

My response to Mike, sure.

Go to hell.

He needs an editor.

That's a long voicemail.

Wow.

The editor is on editor strike clearly is ongoing is what you're telling me.

It's not unlike his shows.

Like, it's not as funny as he thinks it is and is long-winded.

That said, though,

how are you feeling?

Because you're not wearing your usual Miami Heat propaganda all over your body, I've noticed.

The thing that I feel hardest that is the most unlike the heat propaganda stuff is that Jimmy Butler's done far more for Pat Riley than Pat Riley's done for Jimmy Butler.

That's what it is.

And when the best thing you've given him is like undrafted players that Spose developed, that's not good enough.

Like you need to go figure out a way to get Bradley Beal and eat the money or give up an extra piece and go get it.

In the Lillard case, it seems like it wasn't Riley's fault.

It seems like Joe Cronin was an asshole, but, or had the behavior of an asshole.

The guy running the Blazers.

The GM of the Blazers, Joe Cronin, but I don't think that was Riley's fault, but Riley's not absolved in general from the Jimmy Butler era, not doing enough for him.

So you have landed, just to be very clear about this, you've landed atop the therapy couch of

being disappointed in Pat Riley for failing Jimmy Butler specifically.

Like the whole magic of Pat Riley, guy who would

turn a pillowcase full of rings upside down on a table and get whoever he wanted in the NBA.

You're saying Jimmy Butler should demand a trade is what I'm hearing from you.

Go to hell.

Jimmy Butler deserves better, but it's not as simple as that, right?

It's not just Pat Riley's washed.

It's a larger thing that's going to piss off David Sampson.

Like Mickey Erison is to blame here for being cheap.

This is a plaything.

I don't care that David Sampson would tell you it's a business.

Go spend the money.

Go eat it and get me Bradley Beal.

You could have had him for cheap.

You could have kept Tyler Hero and and had Bradley Beal.

That's a title contender right there.

Like, that's a team that anybody's afraid of.

They're afraid of him without those guys.

So I blame Mickey Harrison as much as Pat Riley.

So you're blaming the owner of the Heat Mickey Harrison.

You're saying, just to translate all of this, what you're saying is that the people who have the cat bacteria in their brains are Mickey Harrison and Pat Riley.

And not Jimmy Butler, and not Duncan Robinson or Eric Spolstra, not Tyler Hero.

By the way, the media and the fans' reaction to Tyler Hero is prejudice against a white player.

I'll say it.

We need to get out of this topic.

What is our next voicemail?

Hey, Pablo, Mat Dog dropped his dose on live television, half a gummy.

Can you find out from as many of your colleagues as possible what their THC routine is before they watch sports?

Thank you.

Yeah, so obviously I investigated this question.

Here's a quote from one of those colleagues that I'll

keep anonymous.

Quote, I was high as f when DeMar Hamlin almost died, and that f me up really badly.

Oh my God.

I like to get high and watch baseball, but not football.

Cannot watch UFC high.

It's too much.

Olympic sports are a blast when you're high.

Hockey slash basketball neutral on.

I could smoke.

I could also not.

Soccer is even prettier when I'm high.

End quote.

Bob Bryan is wilding.

That's why he's always tweeting out the letter Q.

That's right.

That's right.

Just Q.

That was Katie Nolan.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Figured I'd just totally betray her, but hilarious.

But here's another friend that I want to put on the record here.

Hey, Pablo, Stugats on a mobile phone.

First time, long time.

Love the show.

Love it.

Fantastic show.

Pablo Torre figuring stuff out.

It's a little bit wordy, the title, but I do love the show.

I've never listened to the show.

Anyway, keep figuring stuff out.

I appreciate it.

And while you're at it, figure out when the fk I'm going to get a raise.

I mean, seriously.

You did ask me to comment on one of my favorite, favorite topics.

Actually, my favorite topic.

Gancha.

Oh.

Right, my wheelhouse.

A listener of yours asked for the THC cannabis consumption habits

for people on our staff

for sporting events.

here's what I can tell you: if it's a weeknight event, if it's a nine o'clock start or an eight o'clock start, I usually take a gummy 90 minutes before the start of the game, and then right at the start of the game, just to make the gummy land perfectly, I follow it up right at tip-off with a bong hit,

and then everything kicks in at once.

On Sundays, when I'm watching the NFL, no gummies, I just rip bong hits from the second the one o'clock game start until the second the Sunday night game is over.

Also, all tracks.

It's on brand.

I mean, I love him so much.

None of that is embellished whatsoever.

That's just what his life is.

Correct.

And look, for my part, I'm mostly just getting lightly stoned and watching like league pass.

I coughed during that, and that was because of the vapes, not because of like sickness.

Yeah, Cortez uses something.

What's it called?

What's your device?

Whoa, whoa, allegedly, there's people out there who use something called an ooze tanker.

I mean,

it's something that people use.

It looks like a thing that was

not allowed in the PG, in the PG version of a Ninja Turtles movie.

That's right.

That's right.

TSA loves it.

What's our next voice about?

Hey, Pablo, what's up, man?

This is Steve from Nashville.

And I was wondering, I had this.

burning question and I just I can't get to the bottom of it.

Does does Troy Aikman know that he looks like the white Jay-Z?

Because I feel like he's got to know it.

Like when he looks in the mirror,

but anyway, I hope you can get to the bottom of this, man.

Thanks and love.

So I love this question because I too have wondered this.

And I had the good opportunity, the good fortune, Cortez, to co-host PTI last week.

And our guest.

And this is just by the grace of God, was none other than White Jay-Z himself.

And so I, of course, shamelessly injected myself into the proceedings to create content for this show.

Wow.

Okay.

Hey, Troy,

can I ask you one weird question before I let you go?

Just not for PTI, but so I host this podcast.

I find stuff out.

And I have one very quick question for you.

Are you aware that the internet thinks you look like Jay-Z?

Yes, I am aware of that.

A white Jay-Z,

there was a meme that still pops up on my feed from time to time.

It was some game, yeah.

And it looks nothing on it.

So, I don't, yeah, I don't know what,

you know, hey,

you know, AI is, you know, I think this was before everything kind of went AI, but anymore, you don't know what's real and what's not.

So, I don't know if that was actually

an unedited picture of me, but

pretty scary.

What Troy Aikman said at the end there, that maybe this photo was edited.

I mean, look at the photo.

We're going to put it on screen here.

Cortez, this is, this is just, that's just white Jay-Z.

It's, it's really incredible.

I do want to point out that you were getting paid to do PTI and you were doing this show instead.

You realized that, right?

You were on the clock for them.

Instead is totally inaccurate as the word you just used there.

I was doing this show in addition.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

White Jay-Z, by the way.

It's incredible.

It's just objectively true.

He thinks it's edited.

Oh, yeah.

No, that means he doesn't know what's going on, but that's something the internet's cared about for many years.

Because Troy Aikman looks like White Jay-Z.

Yes.

What's the next call?

Hey, Pablo,

Luke from Miami.

I was curious.

Do you know if LeBron James uses Gmail?

All right.

Let us us know.

Thank you.

It's a great question, right?

It's a, no, it's a, no, not your question.

It's a great question.

This question is a great question because

what do these people that we regard as our idols, the people atop Mount Olympus in sports, what do they actually do for the quotidian tasks of their life?

Do they use Gmail?

It's a great question.

And in fact, I know the answer to this question.

Do you really?

I have done

a lot of reporting on this question.

I bring you not just the question of does LeBron James use Gmail, but the question of what does the banana boat as a

unit use for their designated email provider?

Okay.

So LeBron James,

I have exclusively learned.

Hotmail

does not use Gmail.

Okay.

Wow.

I'm going to give you the four domains, actually, Cortez, that the banana boat uses.

Okay.

Okay.

In no particular specified, identified way.

One of them uses Yahoo.

One of them uses Gmail.

One of them uses uses me.com.

That's LeBron.

One of them has his own domain.

Wow.

Who do you think uses Yahoo?

Oh,

Chris Paul, Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade, LeBron James are the four kids.

Easily, Chris Paul is the one on Yahoo.

He's the oldest.

That's a no-brainer.

The one that's tripping me up is the me and the own domain because those are of the same variety.

Me first.

um

which i you know i associate lebron dwayne's gotta be you know what i'm gonna say dwayne's got his own domain lebron's me.com

chris paul

uses yahoo i nailed that carmelo anthony

obviously uses me.com okay fair enough dwayne wade uses gmail lebron james has his own domain wow yeah yeah who are your sources uh next voicemail.

Bro, what kind of journalist are you?

This is why Ezra was giving you sh episode.

All you got to know is that it's true.

It's anonymously verified and true.

Dan Lebetard, get rid of your AOL.

Pablo, hey, Micah from Cincinnati.

Great area code, by the way, repping the 513.

I was listening to Katie Nolan's show the other day, and as a longtime Yankee hater, I wasn't surprised that she dug up information that A-Rod, that prima donna, that narcissistic J-Lo hate and jerk, has a picture of himself as a centaur in his living room.

Please tell me that's true.

I just have been dying over here.

Thanks.

So we did a share and tell with Katie Nolan.

Me and Dan did this.

And we talked about A-Rod in depth.

And we talked about how we all want the centaur painting rumor to be true so badly that it is basically just.

real to us.

So bad.

It's incredible.

It's one of the greatest details about any athlete in the history of sports.

I've thought about this for years.

It's been on Twitter for a long time.

You can't get better than Alex Rodriguez has a painting of himself as a centaur.

Self-explanatory.

What I have to update on this for the listener and for you is that I have been reporting this story

since we did that share and tell.

And the research phase of this, like

I want to make clear,

Madonna

has weighed in.

I want to be fair to A-Rod and to her.

This is what Madonna said on the matter.

Okay.

That you've spent time with athletes before.

You're friends with many athletes, Alex Rodriguez being one of them.

Is it true that he has an oil painting of himself depicted as a centaur, half-man, half-horse in his home?

Wow.

If he does, I haven't seen it.

Not a denial.

Right.

Not a a denial.

She got bailed out by all the laughter.

Like, she knew she didn't have to give a real answer there.

I agree.

A-Rod, incidentally, gave a quote.

He was at Art Basil like a decade ago in Miami.

And this is what he said about this.

Okay, on the record.

Quote, no, I do not have a painting of my upper body on a Minotaur.

I don't know where they get that stuff.

Well, an important distinction, the word, obviously.

Not a denial either.

Correct.

Not a denial.

Correct.

And in fact, what I have been told, Cortez,

I have reporting, new reporting

from someone

who would know.

Like a good source.

A good source?

Okay.

That the centaur painting is actually real.

Yo.

Actually real.

That's what I have been reliably informed.

I'm still reporting this story.

I need A-Rod to comment.

A-Rod.

Please call in the 5138-5 Pablo.

Call in or you're a coward.

I'm proud of you.

You continue to break news, man.

I could not be prouder of myself

for turning a thing that I wanted to be real into via the magic of reporting

actually into a thing that

I want to confront Alex Rodriguez about.

That's incredible.

I want to go tweet it.

Half man.

Yes.

Half horse.

All amazing.

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And now we get to, I think, the college sports segment of our non-mailbag show.

Some revolutionary show on concept today.

Correct.

What do we got?

Hey, Pablo, Pat from Cleveland here.

Do you remember that time when Cardell Jones took a break from his Heisman campaign at Ohio State to go visit a boy in the hospital and then absolutely torched that kid in NCA 14 while playing himself?

And then he tweeted about beating him by 60?

Was that just a stunt?

Please find out.

O-H-I-O.

So do you remember Cardell Jones and these and his Twitter legend?

I'm certainly old enough to have remembered it, but I don't remember a thing about it.

This is a massive blind spot for you.

Right.

Because Cardell Jones, former Ohio State quarterback, of course, was famous for a couple of tweets.

He famously said separately from this story, quote, why should we have to go to class if we came here to play football?

We ain't come to play school.

Classes are pointless.

That was Cardell Jones.

Great tweet.

This one was my favorite, one of my favorites of all time, because it was February 10th, 2015.

And Cardell Jones tweeted a screenshot of an article.

And the headline of this article, it said, Cardell Jones visits kid in hospital to play video games, beats him 91 to 35 in NCAA football.

And what Cardell Jones tweets as the quote tweet of this is, quote, man, I wish everyone stopped saying I beat a kid in the hospital 91 to 35.

It was 98 to 35.

Had 91 with 126 left in the fourth.

Wow, that is my kind of petty.

Yes.

Exactly.

You would appreciate Cardell Jones.

But what I found on the published record is that this kid is real.

What's his name?

Jared Foley.

He was a teen at the time, legitimately, very sick.

He was in the hospital.

That part is factual.

He was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome, which means, translating this, that he's had more than a half dozen open heart surgeries.

My goodness.

And so.

Yeah.

And so what I wanted to know, because I knew nothing else about the details here, like why did Cardell Jones allegedly blow this kid out in NCAA football if that was the context for it?

And the story, it turns out, thanks to a Zoom interview we did with Cardell Jones himself, is kind of amazing.

Jared Foley is a kid that I had the honor to meet when I was in college.

going through our first college football playoff run, getting ready for Alabama.

And one of our coaches at the time, he had a prior relationship with the family.

So he seen us leaving.

We all was leaving.

He was like, hey, you guys and I are running up here to,

you know, Church's hospital with me.

And I'm like, yeah, let's do it.

That's where the Foley family connection was introduced.

I think up until that point, he was having his

third or fourth or maybe even fifth

surgery, but you would have never known that far as the smile that he kept on his face, far as the spirits.

You would have never thought this kid was going through so much in his life and has been through so much

in his life up until that point.

We were just talking and, you know, I saw his gaming system in there.

I think it was the Xbox at the time.

And I made a joke to him, I ain't nobody play Xbox, man, whatever, you know, because I'm a PlayStation guy.

And I asked Jared what games he got.

What's his favorite game?

And he said, NCAA.

and I kind of made the joke man I kick your butt in that and you know his family was like oh you sure about that because he's pretty good and I'm just listening I'm looking like hey listen guys I'm pretty good at this game like I kick my teammates butts all the time

so we popped it in and I kind of looked over to the family I'm just looking like

not standing in front of Jerry.

I'm like, you guys expect me to let him win?

And it was like, oh, no, no, no, he's really good.

So Jerry plays with Georgia.

George is his favorite team.

And he takes the opening kickoff to the house on me.

So his family, like, yeah, I told you.

I told you he's good.

And then it was so funny because the first quarter was kind of close.

And we're going back and forth.

And he's coming out of his shelf a little bit, talking with a little chunk.

And then I put myself in as quarterback.

So, you know, he had a few big sacks on me and stuff like that.

Like, yeah, I'll do that to you in real life.

And like, we're going at it.

So I'm just like, okay,

okay, here we go.

We got a game.

So, and I just let them have it.

And the stat line, the Cardell Jones stat line for myself, putting myself into that game of college football was had to be one of the best stat lines in all of gaming history.

I don't remember it too much by hand, but every touchdown I counted for passing or rushing.

right and i had at least over 600 yards passing with over about 100 to 200 yards rushing so it was it was a game for the ages.

I wish now where you can save video games and save performance on your new Gen 5 consoles.

That was back in the day because I still have Latvia.

I did 100, guys, I did 100 points in five minute quarters.

Come on.

That relationship has already evolved so fast in a short period of time.

By the time that tweet came out, it was all funny games because I remember him challenging me into a playing NHAL and we going back and forth on Twitter.

I'm like, Jared, bro, I'm black.

I don't play hockey.

I definitely don't play hockey video games.

And me and Jared and the family has hung out on many different separate occasions.

I had Jared over at the house when I had my big Fourth of July cookout and fireworks and football games from dinners to lunches to I had him and the family up to games where we was playing the Steelers because the family is a big Steelers family.

You know, I don't see the

heartbreak all the time.

I don't see the tears all the time.

I don't have to deal with the uncomfortable conversations of mom, you know, why my life does or the battles they have to deal with.

You know, all I see is a big smile.

And knowing that I was a part of that big smile, I want to be able to provide that as much as I can.

Clearly, hopefully praying for Jared and his family to get through these health struggles right now.

But whenever he's up to it, it, he knows he got my number.

He knows where I live at.

I know where he live at.

So if he wants to dust off that old Xbox, you know, we find a way to grab an old PlayStation and find NCAA 2014, then he knows I'll be ready for it.

Just a post script on that story.

Jared Foley's family tells us that he is stable currently, which is great news, but he has a long road of recovery ahead.

And so obviously what I love about that is that they're still playing each other.

It It was really moving what we just saw.

And like as someone going into that that didn't know anything, it really changed how I felt about the entire thing, about all parties involved.

And it made me want to formally invite Cardell Jones and Jared Foley if they're looking for a video game they both can enjoy.

We just got a Sega Genesis

in the studio.

We got a screen.

We can host the next...

the next rematch that they have.

Please come through, guys.

Yes.

Okay, we have another voicemail, I believe.

See, Pablo, this is Gordon from DC.

Can you find out why the hell Stanford changed their mascot to a tree?

It's awesome.

A tree dancing on the side of the field.

But how is that a cardinal?

A bird?

I'm confused.

This is a fair inquiry.

That's a great question.

I didn't know the answer.

Fantastic question.

And luckily, we here at Pablo Torrey finds out.

Before you, could we just say, like, would you agree with me?

That's a stupid looking tree, right?

Stupid.

It's, it's.

Stupid.

I don't know why you hate this tree.

it's stupid it looks like a dumb tree so what we did was confront our west coast bureau chief rachel miller howard here on staff shout out to rachel with this allegedly stupid tree and we asked her um can you explain this to us please and here's what rachel our friend rachel said great producer go ahead

okay so two things The first is that the Stanford tree is not the official mascot of the school.

It's the mascot of Stanford's wacky marching band, but it does function as the unofficial school mascot.

Until 1972, the official Stanford mascot was the Stanford Indian, which was obviously super racist.

A group of native students protested it, and the school ended up dropping it.

The tree made its debut in a football field show in 1975 as a spoof, but everybody loved it so much, it became the band's de facto mascot.

And that spirit of absurdity and irreverence, cheekiness are still very much the MO of the Stanford tree.

When I talked with last year's tree, I learned about some of the jaw-dropping shenanigans these mischief makers get into.

Like, I heard a story about a wannabe tree who cut off their toes to prove their worth, and

they didn't get the job.

I heard another story about a tree aspirant putting on one of those dog shock collars and dancing around on all fours, all while eating live fish and drinking his own urine.

And he did get the job.

Who knows what's fact, what's fiction, but I choose to believe it's all true.

The second thing I wanted to tell you is that yes, Stanford is known as the Cardinal, and it has been since 1981.

But it's not actually a bird reference.

That's why you don't see a bird flapping around at their halftime shows.

Nope, the Stanford Cardinal is a color reference.

Their uniforms and flags, all red.

So, surprise, there is no official mascot of Stanford, but they've got a foliage-garbed maniac and a nice rich hue.

Yeah, if you're not going to interview trees, you cannot work on Pablo Torre finds out.

When I talked to last year's tree, was an underrated sentence from that.

There was a lot of incredible reporting in that.

My favorite sentence, though, was the one about like, was it a shot collar and like urine?

On all fours.

On all fours.

Yeah.

That's something you do on regular

okay

should we go to break

so that was like the that was the potpourri section of our non-mailbag uh voicemail show I mean, I'll just thank you again to all the callers because there's a lot of thank you, thank you, thank you.

We cannot do this without you.

We need you.

We love you.

This is a club that I want everybody to be able to join to plagiarize Tony Kornheiser.

Except Ryan Russillo.

Exactly.

All right.

Ryan Cortez's band list is not my band list.

That's fair.

But I do not speak for you.

But legally speaking, that is important to point out.

But there are some voicemails that I think have more depth to them that I want to give more space to, like this one.

Hey, Pablo.

I'm watching season two of the bear, and I can't help but think I see your doppelganger in Cousin Richie's episode.

Has anyone else told you this, or am I losing my mind?

Everybody,

everybody keeps telling me this.

And it's legitimately annoying.

It's in real life.

People have stopped me about this.

It's on the internet.

It's on group chats.

So this actor is not just on Season 2 of The Bear, one of the great TV shows ever, in my opinion, The Bear.

He's also on Platonic, the popular Apple TV show with Seth Rogan.

He's a prominent character on that.

He's everywhere.

He's everywhere.

And I've googled him and I looked him up.

You know, I don't know if you have a Bizarro, a doppelganger.

Why would I have a Bizarro?

I'm very unique.

I'm the minister of heat prop.

There aren't two of me.

Can we just get an ISO of Ryan Cortez?

Yeah, there is nobody else like him

in Miami.

Yes, thank you.

Nope, one of one.

That said.

That said,

I always get compared to this actor whose name, it turns out, is Andrew Lopez.

Okay.

And

it was time, I felt.

To fight him.

To try and ambush him.

And so what I did was I never met this guy before in my life.

I invited him here to this table to finally confront Bizarro me.

And having never met him before, I had no idea what the f ⁇ this was going to be like.

This is what happened.

The problem that I immediately noticed for everyone who's not watching on YouTube is that you were talking about it.

Are we recording already?

Are we?

Yeah.

Okay, sweet.

The thing that I was noticing as I was listening to you talk just then,

which is already disturbing to me, is that we were unintentionally doing the same thing.

We had our hand to our cheek resting on our arm across our arm.

We were doing this unintentionally.

But I need to explain why you and I are doing this.

So, I have gotten the last summer while I've been launching this show, Pablo Torre finds out.

I have been simultaneously bombarded by people, and I just want to read you some of these things that I've gotten.

Okay, May 26th, I love Pablo Torre in the new Apple show Platonic.

Okay, June 8th, I'm sure you've heard, but the dude Andrew Lopez from Platonic definitely playing you in a movie.

June 19th, is a trip how much Reggie from Platonic looks like Pablo Torre?

The brother slash investor is sketchy Pablo, right?

That's from Mina in a group chat on June 21st.

And it goes on here.

Why does a diggish investor from Platonic look exactly like Pablo Torre?

Are you in the news show on Apple TV?

Platonic.

You've probably heard this a lot, but started watching Platonic last night, had to Google the cast of it to see if it was you playing the Reggie character.

It was not, but would have been cool if it was.

You know, I...

I can't tell you.

So before I was ever on Platonic, I used to tour with Joe Coi, who is another fellow Filipino.

Yeah, legend.

Yeah, comedian legend.

We said that at the same time.

I know, this is already a service.

No, you cannot laugh at the same time.

I'm also trying to rub my head instinctively.

I'm like frustrating myself.

This is already

scared to get this back.

So the first time I get off of stage, I was in Charlotte, North Carolina.

We were playing a theater.

I get off stage and somebody yells, ESPN, bro.

They don't even go, they don't even say you're funny.

They go, ESPN, bro.

And this is like in 2018.

You must have been doing with your show with Bomani at the time.

Yeah, high noon.

Yeah.

And just premiered that year.

Bro, I looked you up and I hated you.

I hated you because the first thing I saw was that you're hotter than me and I don't see it.

Do you see it when you when you looked it up?

When you looked me up, did you see it?

So I should say that

it has bothered me to get compared to you.

Yeah.

Because I thought I was hotter than you.

Yeah.

It's well, dude, see.

And I'm like, really?

Like, do we really look that much alike?

I've spent an entire life straightening my back, having pride and whatever the f going on up here.

You know?

You know what's really funny, though, is that you are hotter than me.

You are taller than me.

You have better skin than I do.

But I don't know if that's gonna be phenomenal.

Here's the thing that's crazy about it, though, bro.

They put me on camera as the actor.

You are a Hollywood.

So this is how Mickey Rourke you, Dick.

I'm Bizarro you.

I love it.

So Bizarro me is exactly what I have called you.

Yeah.

But this is how this happened, your Hollywood ascent happening in parallel to the construction of the studio and the show, invading my phone, is that I get all these platonic texts and I'm like, I haven't seen this show.

Do I really need to watch this show?

I hate this guy also.

I hate this, right?

There's so many levels to which I dislike this.

Yes, so same, same again, same, same.

But then, one of the shows that I love is The Bear, yeah.

And so, I'd watch season one, of course.

I'm like, season two, yes, it's my time.

Let's go, Pablo time, violate my three-year-old to sleep, Pablo time in the living room, watching the bear, my private space where I can just like feel things.

And

season two, episode seven,

the episode is held forks, yeah, okay,

and

there you

are

on prestige television, critically acclaimed.

Like, spoiler alert, it's one of my favorite episodes of television ever.

Same as a fan, it's incredible.

And you are key to this.

And so I watched episode seven of season two of the bear.

You pop up and immediately, all you can hear in my living room is, this guy is a motherfucker.

And I immediately text my group chat with Mina and Alan Yang and Mike Scher, these TV guys who have been making fun of me.

And I'm like, he's everywhere.

And I wanted to hate this.

Yeah.

And then those tweets come.

And at that point, I'm just like, okay, this is, we need to, I follow you on Instagram and you kindly message me.

And this is how this is, this is born.

But holy man, like, I can only imagine what your life has been like.

Dude, I, I'm going to derail everything you just did because I want very many of you.

Dude, you are truly, I was just talking to our mutual friend, Lindsay Adler, last night, right for the Wall Street Journal.

Excellent baseball writer.

Great.

And I grew up with her in Iowa, and we were just singing the praises about this new world that we live in of understanding the system and being respectful to the system that we, you know, are born into,

but then respectfully disrupting.

And I think you,

when I started to like, like, you know, I would hear about you like in 2018, I was like, who the is this guy?

I hate this person.

But bro, you are somebody that is so inspiring to me.

And I just, and even seeing this and you're talking about my right, who cares?

Like, I care.

I appreciate that.

I sincerely care.

But that's why, dude, that's the most masculine quality you can have is care.

I believe.

You know,

I've gone from hating you to being aroused by you.

Thank you.

Yes.

And therefore myself.

And I'm like, that's a delightful ego, Luke.

Because when you look, when you get aroused by me, you're loving yourself, dude.

That's all it is.

I just want the audience to know we cannot be looking at each other's pupils anymore intimately from across this table.

Okay,

even more derailing.

Did you also get a weird feeling that when people were comparing us?

And

I'm not one of those guys that race baits, but I was like, is this a weird all-Filipino feeling?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No doubt.

So we should say the obvious here, which is that you are part Filipino.

Yes.

Presenting, though, as Filipino because your other part is...

I'm a quarter Korean.

A quarter Korean.

Yeah.

Okay.

So So what's a full combination then?

Let's do the pie chart here.

Let's race both.

So I'm okay.

My mom is Filipino.

My dad is half Korean, half Filipino.

Oh, so you're three quarters Filipino.

I'm three quarters Filipino, and I was born and raised in Iowa, and I consider myself Iowan.

What up?

That's what up.

That's the thing.

What a freak.

Are you straight Filipino?

I am, I am, I am 1 million percent Filipino.

You went to Harvard.

I went to Harvard.

But look, but this part of this thing.

You just called me a freak, and I am telling you, you straight up are the white.

You actually are the whitest Filipino in the world.

This is a problem for me.

Which it's just fine.

So, so I, sorry, I'm going to ignore this call.

We're going to.

Who was it?

It was God telling me, are you sure you want to

like touch hands?

Like, light might shoot out of your bodies at this point.

So, so.

I just need to remark upon the stew that lives inside of us, right?

Because to be Filipino, when you mention, like, I'm a thousand percent Filipino filipino american right first one in my family born in america in new york city parents came over in the early 80s my sister was was a baby when they came over um so yes i'm like 100 filipino but inside of that as you know your name is andrew lopez dude mine i'm pablo dorre so the idea that like two asian americans cutting it up people already are obviously confused i want you to know i feel chaotic i i'm just gonna be i i took zole off right before i got in here perfect and i feel i feel like i'm having a manic episode still at the same time.

Honestly, what I have brought you into is as manic an episode as I could personally bespoke design for you.

It's like, hey, come into this room.

Inside of that room is the Bizarro guy from ESPN who you've hated.

You know, I, okay,

I can't even, I don't even, I can't get my mind right.

I have hated you, but I.

At some point, it must have softened, right?

Yes, exactly.

And it goes back to exactly what I, why I think you have this mass, the, the best masculine quality of all time, which is care.

And I think when you surround yourself with people who care about you and subsequently you care about them, it becomes this very charged environment of truth and honesty, hopefully comes out.

Hopefully.

And a lot of times that looks like hate, but that is ego.

That's our ego taking it that way, right?

So I think that

comes back around to my parents.

Growing up in a small town in Iowa were like, you're Andrew Lopez.

That's your name.

And you're Filipino.

So when people would be like, Andrew Lopez, are you a Mexican?

What is what's going on?

I would be like, I'm Filipino.

This is why.

And they were like, cool.

And I just saw how fast ignorance turns into knowledge, but it's my responsibility to be able to give that to them.

And I think that that taught me how to,

you know, go through hardship early.

And I appreciate that.

Yeah, I mean, the idea of, hey, I am these things.

I contain multitudes.

I can read as Hispanic, Mexican.

I've gotten the same exact thing.

My name is Pablo.

You got Andrew, bro.

Think about what it's been like over here on this side of the table.

And I'm the third Pablo in a lineage of Pablos, right?

And you have to explain.

If you get wanting to explain, like, yeah, by the way, colony of Spain

that then got occupied by the United States in World War II.

We were allies and they exported basketball and spam.

Yes, Catholicism.

Catholicism coming from the Spanish Empire running through the Christianity of America.

Like what the Philippines is, is its own.

I mean, look, the melting pot idea, right?

Like truly the Philippines is indigenous tribes, meets China, meets Malay, meets Spain, meets America, meets.

I mean, they have what, over 99 different dialects in that country.

The more islands in the Philippines, there are more islands in the Philippines anywhere else on earth.

There are more dialects, it seems.

But somehow we all are really good at karaoke.

Yeah, which is okay, the universal language.

Singing.

Also, all very good at caring.

You know what, dude?

Actually, so many great nurses, obviously, like the nursing industry is incredibly Filipino.

Yes.

Bro, we fing rock, dude.

Look at us, dude.

I know, but look at this.

I'm fatter than you, too, bro.

Oh, I've been, I've been, I've been not eating in preparation for today.

Dude, you are a gutter looking We also have a we have a Photoshop filter on this side of the screen It's like just get bring my cheekbones out.

You look good.

What do you guys think?

Let's take a vote

Come on

Come on.

Let's go bro.

All right, this interview is over

Seriously, I'm really I I know this the interview was insane, but I'm telling you like I I respect the f ⁇ out of you and I'm really glad that I know I really think we'd be friends.

I cannot believe that this is the first time we've met each other in a way that is only explained by a cosmic multiverse.

It feels like we've known each other for our entire lives.

Congrats, by the way.

Seriously,

this is so.

And I'm telling you, man,

no one is doing this.

And I'm excited to see where you continually grow and change.

It's going to be awesome.

Andrew Lopez.

Thank you.

Thank you, man.

I do want to bring something up that shout out to Andrew Lopez.

He sat in this chair and he said something a couple of times about how he feels like you're hotter than he is.

is and you were eager to bring him in and you even told him that you felt the same way.

You and I used to talk about a man that is now the co-host of El Duncan's podcast.

I don't know how to pronounce his last name, forgive me, but I believe it's pronounced Jerry Struski.

He's also known by Mina Kimes as Hot Pablo.

So Gary Streiski.

Forgive me.

I believe.

Mina

branded him hot Pablo, which is obviously deeply offensive.

Have him in here.

Are you going to have him too?

He, I, I've been trying to rebrand him as fake Pablo.

You're a hater.

Um, that dude is too hot to be here, actually.

We should put all three.

No, actually, you know what?

No one is banned on Pablo Torre finds out except for Gary Streiski because he is too hot.

I know, I'm comfortable that we're showing a photo of him right now, in which that is abundantly clear.

His jawline.

I know.

What is he doing?

Steroids.

So at the end here, Cortez, as I unstrap our shock collar

and reflect upon what we found out about our listeners, about the club that we've made, joined by all of the people who called in.

What have you found out?

I've learned we have a lot of listeners and I love them.

I get an email notification every time one of you calls.

We're closing in on 305 of you.

My favorite number: 305 Shoutout Miami.

Well, look, I learned, of course, that I also love all of these people who took the time out of their days to do this sincerely.

Also, I love some more than others.

Like, I don't know if I love people.

Um,

I don't love Mike Scher.

Well, do you love this guy?

Oh my god, what an asshole.

Some would say it's a bad voicemail.

Counterpoint could be your voicemail when people call you.

Oh, wow.

What do you think about that?

I think that people would stop calling me, which would maybe be a good strategy by me.

And yet I don't think that guy deserves the title of

worst.

Yeah, I'll just say worst caller because of this guy.

Uh, can you figure out what Jim Rome is doing?

I'd really like to figure out

why the dude that birthed

all of this argument television was being

suppressed.

Did you do something bad?

Yo, apparently you didn't switch up the voicemail.

And sorry about my fourth fourth call, but thought that you could shed some light.

Holy

completely forgot about what I was going to say.

Yo,

sorry about that.

Will you find out

why,

like,

will you find out why

Billy Corbin had the greatest Friday of his life?

Oh,

like, that faded.

I can't even, like,

the last one, I promise.

You should just do a show with your parents.

Talk about like urology.

I know nothing.

I have a.

I don't know how it works.

All right.

Thanks, Lord.

Talk to you soon.

Peace.

That guy called us six times.

He left over seven minutes of tape.

He's hired.

Producer.

Good ideas.

He's hire,

which is hard for this show to be.

It's a lot of calls, dude.

I would say, in general, if you want me to do a show with my parents, you're going to have to be a little more sober when you call us.

Right.

Um, I'll also point out, though, that even if you called us and we didn't play your voicemail on today's show, this does not mean that we're not using it.

We got too many to play on just today's show, to be honest, and so this is a monthly feature we're going to be doing, right?

Absolutely, and some of the ones you gave us, the deeper ones, we still need to go into that and do the journalism on those.

Some of them we've started, yeah.

Yeah, we're

good.

We're appreciative of you helping us do the thing that allegedly cannot be done, done, which is a perpetual finding out machine.

Please keep calling, man.

Keep calling.

Cortez needs to, I assume, you know, buy another ooze tanker.

So

this is great company.

Shout out to allegedly tank all of that ooze.

Oh, baby.

Shout out to my lungs.

This has been Pablo Torre Finds Out, a Metalark Media Production.

And I'll talk to you next time.