Dungeons And Dragons Featuring Timm Woods

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On today's Pardon My Take, Dungeons & Dragons, we are back with Tim Woods. If you are listening to this right now and you want to watch it, go watch it everywhere that we post these videos because we did it on a green screen, but it was awesome.
Probably our best Dungeons & Dragons yet. We are on vacation right now, but we taped this for everyone at home.
Tim Woods, Nick Tirani, me, Hank, PFT, Jake, all of us going on an adventure that took us so many twists and turns. Great jokes, great laughter.
It's the best. We love doing these episodes.
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Today is Friday, February 16th, and it's time for Dungeons & Dragons. So let's kick it to ourselves and the world of Tim Woods.
Welcome to Part of My Take. Today is Friday, February 16th, and it's Dungeons and Dragons time.
We are sitting right now with Tim Woods, PFT, Jake, Hank, and our good friend Nick, Tarani, Greg. Thank you for having me back.
With how many Gs? Two, as normal. Okay, two Gs with Greg.
G-G-R-E-G. Yes, G-G-R-E-G.
We're all dressed up. Tim.
I've got to take off the helmet. I can't hear anything.
That's how it is. Big Cat's wearing a helmet right now.
I can't hear anything. I couldn't hear shit.
Tim, you arrived in full costume today. Yes, I did, yeah.
And you look awesome. Appreciate it.
I'm very excited about this. You thought about bringing your sword on the plane.
I did. I looked up whether TSA would accept foam swords.
They do not. And so I held on to my foam blade back at home.
Didn't get to bring it, but I'm so honored to be in the presence of Anduril, the flame of the west right now. Yes.
That's a sword here Nick just got from the ANUS studio. So, Tim, I i'm also i want you to get out of here on time and make your flight i know it got delayed but also i don't want you to get out of here too on time because i want you to have to get onto the plane wearing that full car oh yeah 100 i think if if it's necessary i will board the plane dressed as a ranger yeah so we are we're taping this in uh mid-january if you are listening to this right now you should also watch it because we're on the green screens again so we're going to do all the graphics the full immersion and tim is going to take us through an entire adventure let's first start with everyone saying what they're dressed as and then we'll start with tim taking us taking us down the path.
Okay, so Jake, what are you dressed as? And what's your name? My name is Cake the Elven Wizard. And what are you dressed as? Cake the Elven Wizard.
Oh, okay. Hell yeah.
Absolutely. You look like one of the old cartoons, like the Mickey Mouse.
You know what I'm talking about? The Fantasia.

The Fantasia.

Brooms.

The Apprentice.

Yeah.

Austin Rubin stuttered.

Yes.

One of their theme parks used to have a giant blue hat.

Okay, so Greg, Nick.

I'm Greg, the paladin, and I'm dressed as George Washington.

Famous paladin.

Famous historical paladin.

Yes. Get the powdered wig.
I like the look. Thank you um what megan did your makeup she did yeah she did a really good job yeah she's great really good job making up uh i am i'm wayne the hill dwarf bard and i'm dressed as i i guess i'm dressed as hillary clinton complete with a weapon and everything so i'll kill you you uh didn't have jeans on when you had the loincloth on for the first time? No, no.
When you watched the YouTube version, actually, we did the 3D modeling, and Trey came by, and I put this leather garment in between my thighs, and so my ass is just going to be out on YouTube. Whole ass.
I love it. I love it.
Whole ass animated. Tim, what are you dressed as? I am going to be the Dungeon Master, but I am dressed in my Ranger fit, courtesy of Felon Fair, my LARPing group that I LARP with, and this is my favorite costume.
Hell yes. With the cloak, it is I think a good Dungeon Master type fit right here.
Okay. How big is a LARPing entourage? The LARP that I went to a few years, or last year, was over 300 people.
We got a LARP. I've LARPed before.
LARPing is great. It's so much fun.
Absolutely. It's like very Game of Thrones.
I was an archer. It was so much fun.
They do like the entire battles and stuff. Yeah.
It's huge battles. It sounds like we should do this.
We should absolutely do this summer. All right, I am Norm, the human barbarian.
I'm dressed as a firefighter, gay firefighter. Firefighter stripper.
Yeah. They spend, like, I didn't get a helmet.
I didn't get a walkie-talkie. I didn't get a hose.
Why the firefighter? I don't know. I just, I think the text went exactly.
I was like, Max, like, I need your costume. And I was like, what's everyone else being? And Max said, Nick is George Washington.
I said, cool, I'll be a fireman. Yeah.
Hand in hand. They go hand in hand.
Yeah, exactly. You should do the next one as the village people.
Yes, you should. But yeah, the helmet, I had the helmet on.
I couldn't hear anything, so now I got the bucket. A little bit of a Chris Christie vibe.
Yeah, the pants don't really work. I'm a firefighter who's going through NFL training camp.
I like that. Yeah.
Who was that guy the Eagles drafted a while ago? Pretty much that guy. Are you talking about Tony Danza, the kicker? No, Max, who was the firefighter that you guys took in the first round that retired after like two seasons? Okay, Max doesn't know.
Not a real fan. Alright, Pat.
Pat or Tom? Yeah. Something Irish.
Okay, Hank. I am Ehrlich, the eyes wide shut warlock.
Whoa, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I also ordered a costume on Amazon, thought it came with a beard, but it didn't, so I had to improvise and found this mask. You have a beard, though.
I do have a beard, but not a wizard beard. Yeah.
And even though I'm a warlock. You should have shaved and put on a fake beard.
We don't have to. That's the same length as yours.
Yeah. Okay.
So, Tim, take us away.

Now, I do also just want to say,

in honor of all of the weapons and stuff that we brought,

it's just occurring to me right now, and I won't forget,

I'm going to give each of us one magic item for everything that we have here.

For Ehrlich the Warlock, for the Needler,

I'm going to be giving you a Wand of Magic Missile.

It looks exactly like the Needler.

It just fires, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew,

little missiles at enemies.

I'm giving you, Norm the Barbarian,

an armor of fire resistance.

Yes.

There you go, 100%.

I'm giving you, Norm the Barbarian, armor of fire resistance. Yes.
There you go, 100%. I'm giving Wayne, the bearer of Andrel, Flame of the West, a plus one longsword, and I'm giving plus one daggers, a pair of them, to the paladin.
Yes. And, Cake, I am seeing that you got some good robes there, so you're going to have a plus one robes of protection to add to your armor class there.
Everyone's got a little bit of magic item this time around. I forgot one thing before we start.
Truce? Of course. We're in this together.
I don't plan on killing any of you. I don't want to kill anyone.
Team first. I want to put out fires.
The team, the team, the team. Yeah.
I'm excited. Truce? Of course.
Wow. Bash Brothers.
Okay, let's go. It's cool that Hank got a weapon that shoots needles and Jake got robes.
Jake, I'm so sorry. I didn't see any swords or anything, so I did the best I could.
You pretty much told Jake, like, you're wearing a condom all the time. Protections is very important.
Absolutely. Now, I do want to say that it has been so cool this year getting to run so many games for the AWLs who have reached out to me.
And I know I got to say in advance, I did promise all the AWLs that the adventure that I've been running for them all year was going to be the next adventure I would run for you guys. Except that something happened this year that is very big in the D&D community.
We had our biggest video game ever come out, Baldur's Gate 3. It has won all the awards.
It has become this huge video game. And so we are going to play today, in theory, if we all want to, a Baldur's Gate-themed D&D game.
I trust you. I love that.
Absolutely, 100%. It's going to be a little bit different, and I don't think anyone here has played Baldur's Gate 3, but I did do a poll on Twitter, and apparently a lot of AWOs are, and AWOs I have run games for are definitely, like, big fans of this game, so I think they're going to like some of the references.
Can we go back and calling them owls? Owls, absolutely. Owls.
So Baldur's Gate, the video game comes out, what, like, in terms of the community, where, the community, where it's just like everyone's talking about it? Everybody's talking about it. I'd say it's bigger than D&D itself right now.
It's gotten so big. Bigger than the game.
It's so exciting. And it's all based off of the D&D rules.
So it's literally the exact same game, just played on a computer. And I cannot recommend it enough.
It's the best job they've done taking the game we know and love and turning it into a video game experience. It's made it so easy because now I go into games, and a lot of people are like, I do Healing Word, and I'm like, tear in my eye.
Like, yes, you do. You know it from the game.
So it's kind of cool. And the soundtrack rocks too, right? Oh, it's very good.
It has an amazing soundtrack, great characters. We may even meet some of them.
It is also a very sexy game. It is a horny game in the extreme, and I can't recommend it enough 100%.
You can do anything in the game, and that spills over into more than just combat, is what I will say. Oh! Live action.
Yeah, absolutely. Okay.
Jake, I like your robes. Absolutely.
They're going to come in handy, maybe. Who knows? They prevent diseases as well.
What those wooden teeth do. My first turn, I'm jerking off.
Absolutely. George Washington would give the worst blowjob.
Pop the teeth out. That's true.
Yeah. Wooden teeth.
Gummy it up. What president would suck the best dick? James Madison.
Yeah, Lyndon B. Johnson.
Would it be Reagan because he's been taught by the best?

Oh, yeah. I think he's the best at getting head.

Well, maybe Clinton.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Absolutely.

100%.

Actually, Obama, right?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I saw the tongue.

Limo?

Yeah.

Larry Sinclair.

Now, our adventure today is going to begin in a different spot than usual. We are already in the middle of the action because we have been abducted.
What? In the world of D&D, our last memories are that we were just in our local city having a good time, maybe leaving a bar or something like that. And then suddenly, in the sky above the city, as people began screaming and pointing up, we saw a giant ship of some kind hurtling through the air above us.
It looks like a giant nautilus, like those underwater creatures with tentacles that kind of form like a spiral shell. And this ship moves through the air.
Tentacles are coming down out of it. As they reach down towards people, everyone who gets touched by one of the tentacles just vanishes.
As we're trying to run away, our last memories are of one of the tentacles reaching down, touching us, and we are gone. Sounds like the smiley face killer.
Absolutely. Suddenly, we are waking up in some sort of glass tube.
Each of us is aware that these tubes seem to be embedded in the wall of a giant flying vessel of some kind. We can feel ourselves moving through space.
And it seems as though the walls of this ship are biological. It's giving us very like xenomorph alien vibes.
The walls themselves are growing tentacles. They seem to be pulsing.
And we are waking up one by one, all of us still with our gear on us. We have our armor, we have our weapons, and we are just now coming to as the ship seems to be bouncing around and shaking and there are explosions happening.
This is all we know. What would we like to do right now? Wait, so we're in test tubes.
We are in test tubes. Are we in one tube or are we in separate tubes? Great question.
Separate tubes. We're in Wuhan, China.
You can see your companions in other tubes as you're waking up. Each of you is in your own tube.
You're also noticing there are six other tubes that seem to have other individuals in them whom you do not recognize. Are they liquid-filled tubes? They're not liquid-filled.
Such a good question. That is a good question.
I think we've got to get out of these tubes. Absolutely.
Or is there a way where we can try to figure out who is in the other tubes? You certainly can. In the other tubes, without even getting out of your tube, you can clearly see there are six other tubes.
Three of them are filled with, there are three men, three women in the other tubes. Who are you most curious about right now? That's pretty solid.
That's silly. Yeah, PFT, which one are you most interested in? I'm interested in the guys.
That's silly 100%. Who do you care about? You are aware that of the three guys in test tubes, one of them is clearly a wizard of some sort wearing wizard robes and a hat.
He's a human, but otherwise looks very similar to cake. There is another one who is dark skinned and seems their eyes are open and they're kind of still like comatose.
And you notice he has a stone eye that keeps moving around of its own accord. And then there is an elven man with white hair and extremely pale skin.
Pete Carroll. Mm-hmm.
What about the chicks? The chicks are, there seems to be a- Slow down on this one. Go in detail.
Absolutely. First of all, everyone here is super sexy.
All six of the test tube people, they're all super hot. And even the ones with low charisma.
And so the elven woman, first woman, has a long black braid that is all bound up going almost down to her waist. If I may? Yes.
Dibs, boys. Okay, all right.
Absolutely. That was fast.
She seems to be wearing the robes of a cleric of some kind. Oh, nice.
You've got to nod. You've got to nod.
Damn, dude. You're going to have to go to church.
Now, however, if anybody wants to who's looking at her, you can make a religion check to see if you can figure out what god does she follow, what god or goddess. Because there's gods of, like, you know, as we would know them, but there's also gods of war, there's gods of death, there's all kinds of different gods.
How much are you in this chick? She's a sex god. You want to know what god she's worth? No, no, I don't want to learn about a chick's past, man.
You think she's saving herself from marriage? Definitely. Damn.

Yeah, we don't care what God.

Absolutely.

No worries.

Still one God.

Yeah.

Next woman is a red-skinned woman with huge black horns growing out of her head.

She is a big, muscly woman.

Very clearly a barbarian, similar to Norm. She also seems to have fire coming out of her head and racing all over her skin.

It's all you, bro. Yeah.
Absolutely. taking it i'm taking her for a rod i'll give her a rod absolutely the final woman is not an elf she has pointy ears and sort of greenish skin and we are able to recognize it especially the people with high arcana like our wizard and warlock that this is a race called a gith or githyongkai as they are sometimes called especially the people with high arcana, like our wizard and warlock, that this is a race called a gith, or githyunkai, as they are sometimes called among themselves.
They are, in theory, people who come from another world entirely, a warrior race. So while she's not as big as the red-skinned horned woman, she is clearly some kind of warrior.
She's wearing armor of sorts. Are they real or not real? Sorry?

Real or not real?

The people in the test tubes,

they seem very real,

just as real as us.

They're starting to wake up a little bit.

Are they firm?

Are they supple?

Oh, yeah.

They're very muscular,

very tight.

Tiny petite?

Tiny petite?

I would say the elven woman with the braid is a little petite.

Okay.

The gith woman is medium,

and then the tiefling woman with red skin is a big muscle body.

Big woman.

Okay, I like that.

Want to get out of these tubes?

Yeah, let's get out of these tubes.

Absolutely, 100%.

Who would like to try to get out of the tubes first?

In theory, I'm wondering what strategy we want to use.

Let's go in order.

Absolutely.

Now, how are you trying to get out of the tube?

Doesn't seem like there's any way to open it from inside, but obviously you could try something. You do have a wand of magic missile.
Is there anyone outside of the tubes? Nobody. Great question.
The only things we see outside the tube are there is some sort of big basin in the middle of this circular room and one door of sorts. And as you're looking, it looks like a door out of this room but there's no handle on it and it's a shape

that weirds you out until you realize you've seen

shapes like this before. It's a sphincter

door.

I have a question before you go Hank.

I'm the strongest one here right?

Yes that is true. Could I break

out of my own tube? As well as the paladin. Could I break

out of my own tube and then break my voice out?

Yes you absolutely could. Should we do that?

You're just trying to impress the chick.

I was going to ask to do

an insight check to see if I can sneak out

Thank you. out of my own tube and then break my voice out? Yes, you absolutely could.
Should we do that? You're just trying to impress the chick. I was going to ask to do an insight check to see if I can sneak out of the tube to get you guys out discreetly, because what if you breaking out wakes up the arm? Okay, all right, yeah.
Let's do that. But just for the record, Big Cat could break it out, but you don't want me to.
That's fine. I probably could, too.
I don't know. I don't think you can break all of them.
You have a wand of magic missiles and other attack spells you could try here.

In terms of physical strength, it's norm first and then Greg the Paladin right after that.

But let's keep it low-key.

We don't know who put us in these two.

Yeah, try your sneaky way.

Do some finesse offense.

I'll play man football.

Insight would be the skill for reading someone else's expressions and motives. If you're trying to do something sneaky, would be stealth unfortunately i don't know if there is a sneaky way that you can do this there doesn't seem to be any lock that you're seeing but you could try to do a sleight of hand check to look for hand holds to push this open potentially if you have do you have the sleight of hand skill by any chance under your skills probably not no then you just have a plus two on this.
You could give it a try. That's really the only quiet thing you could do.
Is his character much of a reader? A little bit. Not so much as cake.
So he doesn't do anything great. Kind of.
Makes infernal deals very well. What's the old saying? You're only as strong as your weakest link.
Oh, weakest link. Okay.
Go ahead. All right,'ll bust out.
Let me bust out. Are you trying to bust out with your fists? Are you trying to look for handholds? Eldritch Blast.
Eldritch Blast. I love it.
Very discreet. Roll two d20s.
You fire off two Eldritch Blasts. That would be a two.
That first one is just kind of ricochet around. That would be a one.
Oh, what a blast. The first beam ricochets all around the test tube and doesn't break it open.
The second one also ricochets around the test tube and then hits you. Oh, no.
Back for seven plus. I know you had plus three to your damage.
I'm marking down as having ten points of damage right now. You just hurt yourself, bro.
I'm so sorry. Oh, hey, guys.
It's okay if I go first. Ehrlich, good attempt.
How does it happen? Now, wait. Now, that's his turn.
Okay, so I will break myself out and break everyone else out. But a question, like, if I'm breaking Ehrlich out, is that going to hurt him more? Potentially.
If you were to, for example, get a one, somebody could get hurt. All right, so why don't I break me out, and then I'll get the three of them, and then we'll decide.
Because you called a truce with Hank, so you don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt him, so we might leave him in the tube.
Absolutely. I might not make it out of his tube.
You could use your blast. Yeah, You're out to your blast, man.

How many sperm have said exactly that? Picture every D20 you feel is luckiest.

Okay.

He's dice right here.

I'm going to get my eyes on this.

Absolutely.

That's a good one.

You would have said that for any...

For sure.

For sure.

So, you got me.

100%.

I should have liked this one.

That's also a good one.

100%.

Yeah, absolutely.

I feel good.

We'll do this one.

Absolutely.

You do think that if you were to rage, you would get advantage on this roll. I would let you rage against, even though there's no enemies, I would let you rage against this tube.
Okay. Well, that's not fair.
That's a 12. That looks like a 12 to me.
And then you roll one more time. Just see if you do any better than a 12.
Good roll. Okay.
Oh.

18.

Okay.

Now an 18 plus 7 is a 25 total.

Now you needed a 15 or higher to bust out.

So with a 25, I'm going to say you bust out of your tube.

You shatter this almost like biologically grown glass-like material.

It's even harder than glass.

But you send it shattering through the air.

You take no damage. And I'm going to let you climb out and free two of your companions.

They can't. glass-like material.
It's even harder than glass, but you send it shattering through the air. You take no damage, and I'm going to let you climb out and free two of your companions.
They could be your companions. They could also be the six sexy people in the test tubes also.
Which one did you have dibs on? Black braid, dude. Don't cock me while I'm in the tube.
I played Baldur's Gate 3 multiplayer, and dibs is very important for romancing people. So can, if hypothetically speaking, Tim, I were to break out black braids, the other gentlemen in the tube, they can see everything that's happened.
Yes, they're all waking up. Everybody can see what you're doing.
Yep. Okay.
I'm supposed to be an escape from reality. Inside the tube.
As a team player, I'm going to break out Ehrlich and Greg. Thank you.
Thank you. Absolutely.
Ehrlich, you get broken out. No, no, sorry.
Sorry. Who's that? I'm Wayne.
Wayne. I'm going to break out Wayne and Greg.
That's my bad. That seems right.
Never breaking out Ehrlich. Absolutely.
You force open the test tube that has Wayne and Greg. Was it absolutely 100%? Greg Washington.
So you two are, or you three now, are free. Well done.
Fuck yes, boys. Absolutely.
Let's have a little fun. Yeah.
Can we put cake in the same tube as early? What? You would have to open up his tube and his tube to do that as far as you can tell, unless you have a magic spell that allows you to teleport, but that's a fifth level spell. You don't have that yet.
Okay. All right, so it's me and the boys right now.
It is you and the boys right now.

We're all the boys.

I think I might, should I just get the girls out?

Yeah.

That's good.

You might want to get Jake out, too,

because we could use him to maybe.

Yeah, I mean.

Protection for me.

What, scare the hoes?

No, but you always need.

It's your highest level spell.

He's a perfect wind man.

All right, I'll let Jake out.

I'll let Cake out.

Absolutely.

How would you like to get his tube open? Are you just using your muscles, or are you trying something else? I'll

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Absolutely. How would you like to get his tube open? Are you just using your muscles, or are you trying something else? Let's see.
I'm looking at... I have sleight of hand.
You do have sleight of hand. I would let you...
Especially from outside, it's easier. You can pick the lock from outside.
Go ahead and roll a d20 plus your sleight of hand. Okay, so this is d20.
That is a d10. You want a d20? The one with 20 on it.
Shut the fuck up. That's all for this truce.
My name's Ehrlich. Oh, no.
With a one, I am sorry to say. I'm sorry, Cake.
I tried. You are trying to force open this tube, and you pull, and you're like picking it.
You're trying to force it open, and you give it another yank, and you accidentally stumble backwards toward the big basin of weird goo in the middle of the room as you're tumbling towards it you realize something it has things swimming around in it i would like you to make another roll this is a dexterity saving throw to avoid tumbling into the basin there you go you start to pinwheel your arms a little bit you're about to fall in all the weird tadpoles inside begin to congregate near you. Like they can, almost like a little piranha getting, like as you're getting closer and closer to water.
And then you catch yourself, you don't fall in. It's a bunch of goo filled with little tiny tadpole.
Little tiny tadpole. Is there an odor? Since you noticed this, I would let you real quick just make a history check to see if any memories are coming back to you.
As you look at these tadpoles. called the spank bank.
It is viscous, this goo. What did you, did you roll this one? Nine.
And do you have history as a skill by any chance? You do. Plus four.
Okay, with a plus four and nine, with a 13, you suddenly get a flash of memory. And anyone here on their turn can make another history check to try to remember more.
You suddenly get a memory of when you were in the tube. Somebody opening up your tube.
And you were like, no, no, give me five more minutes. And they grabbed you.
They reached into this basin, took out one of the tadpoles, went to your eyeball. And the last thing you remember was the tadpole leaping into your eye.
That is all you know. That hell is pregnant.
Mm-hmm. And you have just freed cake.
Cake, you are out. How? All the boys are out? Oh, sorry.
You, you, sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. You tumbled and did not, managed to not fall into the tadpoles.
I knew you succeeded on something. I forgot you had not gotten this tube open.
I tried to get you in tube. Sorry.
Sorry. Yeah.
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I think we'll just keep going down the line. Boys, I think we're bugged.
I think there's something behind our eye. Would you like to make a history check? I would love to make a history check.
What do I roll for that? To be a D20, and as a paladin, you would have a plus three. That's the D20.
Bingo right there. 19.
19 plus three is a 22. You get a much more vivid memory.
First of all, you know you've been tadpolled as well. In fact, you know every one of us has been tadpolled.
We have had a tadpole inserted into our eye. It has crawled behind our eye, and we think it's burrowing into our...
You can almost feel something in your brain. It's the vaccine.
Around. It's a metaphor.
They microchipped us. You also get a memory

of who did this. A figure looking

you dead in the eyes. A squid

like head with two

eyes. A big like

sort of cranium dome.

And four tentacles hanging down

where it's mouth should be.

This is not an Italian.

You think that this with that history check

is a creature in the world of D&D who creates biological flying ships known as a Mind Flayer. Mind Flayers are one of the most dangerous and well-known monsters in the D&D universe.
Stranger Things. Exactly.
So, Jake, thank you. They are the villain in Stranger Things, and they are also one of the big villains in D&D.
You know that in D&D, mind flayers tend to be more humanoid-sized creatures, but still have amazing mental powers of mind control. You also know that tadpoles are how they reproduce.
They insert tadpoles into other people and turn them into mind flayers. Man,'re turning into mind flares.
We are turning into mind flares. Can I do something right now? You can, absolutely.
I'm going to rip out my eyeball. Ooh, yes! Go ahead and roll me.
Wait, rip out mine too! Can I rip out his too? Who would you like to try first? Wait, but would we not see after that? In theory, if you got one one, you know you'll get disadvantage on ranged attacks due to lack of depth perception, but that's all. Okay, all right, I'll keep my eyeball.
I'm ripping out my eye. Absolutely.
I would like you, first of all, to make a wisdom saving throw to see if you can do this without flinching. Okay, what do I roll for that? A d20, and you get to add plus four to this.
15. 15.
That is enough

with a 19 total. You are

not flinching. Go ahead and just roll me

one d20. You're not getting disadvantaged now

to yank out your own eye.

Plus five on this. 11.

11 plus five is a 16.

Are you just reaching

with like Kill Bill?

I'm using one of my two daggers.

Oh, you take one of your magic daggers. That's going to give you an extra plus one on that.
Yes. With a 17, because you're using the daggers, you're able to reach in behind your eye and pop it out.
The chicks see? The chicks do see. You see them like, oh, oh, oh.
And the priestess with the braid, she's just like, oh, avoiding her eyes. The big red-skinned woman with the horns is like, oh, she's looking and she's giving you the thumbs up right now.
It works every time. The gith woman is just nodding and very impressed with you.
Your eye pops out and we can see, as you look around, a little wiggling tail behind your eye. Now, I'm going to tell you one other thing is occurring to you.

You do think that with that history check, as it, oh, better yet,

it wiggles in your mind, you can feel it moving,

and you hear a voice suddenly in your mind.

Stop. Leave me alone.

I can offer you power.

You do love power.

I love power.

I could give you the power over others. Well, let's be careful with George Washington.
Mind control? Yeah. I like mind control.
Your mind is being controlled. You can feel and they can see the tail of the tadpole is starting to disappear into your brain.
You have a choice. Do you try to get it out now, or do you let it go?

Who has the smallest hands of the group?

That would be Ehrlich, the gnome.

The tube, damn.

I mean, you just ripped out your eye.

Are you just going to rip out your eye?

Right, and then just nothing comes from it?

I got to pull out this tadpole.

Absolutely.

You can go for it.

Roll me another d20 to try to pull out the tadpole. So wait, I just might be eyeless with the tadpole still? You might? Mm-hmm.
One. Oh, no! Absolutely! Fuck! Forget it.
You reach in, and you're like digging around in there. First of all, I didn't give you damage for just ripping out your eye.
That'd be a whole d12 right there. 12 points of damage.
And then as you're fishing around in there, it's another D12. Three more damage.
So right now you have taken 15 points of damage. Your original hit points are 52.
So minus 15 is going to bring you down to 37 left. I am sorry to say.
Got a lot of self-inflicted wounds going on. The boys are going through it.
You see all the people in the test tube just like, oh, oh. Like one of them starts like gagging a little bit.
The very pale elf man is just like, oh, goodness. And he like averts his eyes.
It's pretty grisly. Blood's pouring down your face right now.
Absolutely. What do the chicks think? The chicks actually, both the tiefling woman with red skin and the gith woman are both like, and they kind of look at each other and they're like, are you seeing this? This is very impressive.
Did I just embarrass myself? The two of them are very impressive. They really like it.
Yeah. The priestess, not so much.
She's pretty grossed out, it seems. Yeah.
And Cake, you are out of the tube right now. What a turn, boy.
You know, I want to be a team player and get our full team out of the tube. Absolutely.
You guys don't want me to? No, I want you to come out. Let's leave him.
He'll figure it out. No.
Alright. Now, I would say you do have not many skills that would get people out of tubes, but you do have a knock spell, which would open one door automatically.
Can we kill the bad people? Sorry? Can we kill the bad people? In theory, you know that there are six other people in tubes. You don't know if they're good or bad.
You know that there's all these weird tadpoles in the middle of the room in this basin, and there is a sphincter door leading out of here. You know that this ship must be controlled by evil mind flayers, but you don't see any of them right now.
And you would also be like, it's kicking in like, wait, I think they put tadpoles in

our head.

All right.

So let's get out of this area.

Absolutely.

100%.

As you start to, do you start to head for the sphincter door?

Yeah.

He's not out of his tube yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So cake.

Oh, I'm not out.

You do have one spell that could open up your tube if you want to cast that.

Otherwise you can try to force it open, but that would be very difficult to do.

Yeah.

I don't think I'm strong enough for that.

So you cast the knock spell. Is that after all is that right i don't see that i i'm giving you the knock spell i forgot to give you that and that would be a spell you would definitely have as a wizard so you uh in theory uh you're seeing all of them really working hard to force these doors open you just cast a spell we all just see his test tube opens on its own.
And now you can climb out and you can start heading for that sphincter door if you want. Yep.
So everyone is out now except Ehrlich. Oh.
And as you head for the sphincter door, you don't see any kind of handle or any other way to open it. Are you doing anything or are you just walking right up to it? I'm saying I'm better than you.
I'm getting through this door. Absolutely.
As you think that thought, suddenly it opens up almost like responding to your thought. You can see in the next room, there is another sphincter door beyond and there is a humanoid figure lying on a table whose head has been cut open and their scalp removed their brain is exposed right now question does this humanoid figure have any extra eyes they do not no this is a human we need to get me an eyeball we need to find you an eye i'm so sorry if They have two eyes.
Oh, okay. They're alive, as best you can tell.
Is the one I removed from surgery destroyed beyond repair? I would say so, yeah. How would you describe Ehrlich's eyes? Are they really good? Like, are two of his eyes beautiful? You'd have to open me up.
Actually, he has an ability as a warlock called Devil Sight that lets him see in magical darkness and can see further than anybody else in darkness. I want those eyes.
They're great eyes, actually. I want those eyes.
Fantastic eyes. Fantastic eyes.
Real bad. Absolutely.
And, yeah, in theory, those are the eyes that are available. Kate, you actually hear another different voice coming from out of that room, but it's another telepathic voice in your mind.

Help me.

Help me.

It seems like you think that telepathic voice is coming from the body,

but it's not moving at all, this body.

And that was you breaking out with your action and moving into here.

Ehrlich, that would bring us around to you again.

Let's go, Hank.

Let's just reset real quick.

Let's figure out what's going on here. Because our minds are being controlled by some sort of tadpole.
So we're all like zombies right now. So what's the goal? Do we want to get everybody in that room out or do we want to just get us out and then try to roll up to the front of the ship? I would like to get the tadpole out of my mind.
I don't want to be a sheep controlled by the big tadpole like these fellows. Oh, no, he got...
Oh, no, you're... Burrowed in deep.
Yeah, I would like to get the tadpole out. Absolutely.
As you start to think that thought, your tadpole speaks up. Oh, but you, you're someone who likes power.
I can offer you control. I can offer you mind reading.
It is trying to tempt you. That much is clear.
As someone who has made deals with devils before, this would be another deal. That didn't work out for me last time.
I just get it out. Absolutely, 100%.
How are you going to try to get it out? Can I a light crossbow? You could shoot a crossbow into your own eye.

That would probably destroy the tadpole,

but...

It could hurt him?

It would destroy your brain.

Most likely.

No.

Wait, but there's another brain in that other room.

If it gets damaged.

It's backup.

Your first move is going to be suicide?

I do like how you just said light crossbow. Give it a shot.
That's the heaviest crossbow. I mean, that's the thing.
Yeah, definitely. Give it a shot, Hank.
It's the second move. He tried to shoot his way out and hit him in the ass.
And then he's like, might as well shoot myself then. It's over.
Give it a shot, Hank. I'll point out, you don't have a knock spell like the wizard would, unfortunately.
I don't really know what to do here. I can't go over two on trying to get out.
Absolutely. Can I persuade it out of my mind? You can try that if you would like.
You sounded pretty encouraging there. I'm going to do that.
Absolutely. Go ahead and roll a D20 plus five.
16. 16 plus five is a 21.
As you try to think, get out of, what are you saying into it specifically? And just get out of my mind? Yeah, leave. Absolutely leave.
Go back to your home. With a 21, it begins to laugh at you at first.
You can't make me go anywhere. I'm burrowing deeper and deeper into your mind.
The only one who could get me out is the person who put me here. Now, he didn't need to tell you that.
You just got him to spill some beans. Can I ask who put me here? Don't you know that already? Don't you remember? And then he feeds the memories back into your mind, the memories you had forgotten.
The mind flayer, the tentacle-mouthed creature that was holding a tadpole, and you saw it right before it went into your mind. It was like looking up at you like, yes, let me at that brain, leapt into your eye, crawled past into your brain.
The mind flayer might be able to remove it again, potentially. Can I ask where he is? He'll even tell you that in like a mocking way.
He says, trying to fly the ship right now, it seems. And then we feel the ship bump.
And he goes, but it sounds like someone is making it a little difficult for him. And it seems like the ship is under attack in some capacity, as best you can tell.
He is assuring you that the mind flayer right now must be at the front, the helm of the ship, trying to steer it at the moment. You could ask him one more question if you have another question.
Who are these other guys in the tube? Oh, interesting. Yeah.
Just other adventurers who have been picked up in your city. Who are you most curious about? The red skin.

The red skin. Absolutely.

The mind player says, or sorry, the

tadpole in your head says, just give me a moment.

And suddenly, you feel

your mind connect

with the red skinned tiefling

woman. Now, you're a gnome who made a deal

with devils. You recognize this tiefling

woman has descended from

devils. She is like part human and

part devil. And suddenly you get visions

of her past. Her name is

Thank you. with devils.
You recognize this tiefling woman has descended from devils. She is like part human and part devil.
And suddenly you get visions of her past. Her name is Carlak.
She is a warrior for the devils of the nine hells. When we went to hell and fought devils there, she is one of the soldiers we might've even fought while we were there.
And she is kind of dumb a little bit.

She's a barbarian.

She's kind of like, hey, how's it going?

What's up?

She's kind of a bro and just here for a good time.

But she doesn't even know how she got here, really.

And I can talk to her?

She looks at you and you know she just got some of your memories as well.

She connects with you and she goes.

And you know that she's signaling that you know about devils same as me. And in fact, it may be that your patron is also her boss.
She fights for the generals of the nine hells. And your boss is almost definitely one of the generals.
So we have a lot in common. You have a lot in common, 100%.
And she waves at you. Kind of like very excited.
All right, so good turn, Hank. You're still in the tube, and you still have a reptile in your brain.
Yeah, you met a dumb chair. Absolutely.
That would be your dice roll now, but the tadpole did not agree to leave. You don't think he had to, unfortunately.
That was his first choice. That is going to bring us to Norm next.
Norm, what do you like to do? What are we thinking, boys? What are we thinking? We got to get up to the front of the ship, I think, right? You think so? Sphincter's already open, right? Sphincter's open. We can see the next room.
We can just go right through this room to the next sphincter door, or we can, there's a voice that only Cake heard, and there is a visible corpse with its head sawed open. Should we get a cup of goo, just in case? Yeah.
Get a cup of goo, so then what do we want to take? Should we let him out? So he's, yeah. I feel bad for him.
Will it waste my turn if I let him out? It would be your action for this turn, yeah. You know, I'll let it be your bonus.
Actually, it can be your bonus action because you're raging already. So this way you can do a frenzied attack with your bonus action and you'll still have another dice roll.
Okay, and what do I need to get to get him out? You just need a 15 or higher. And you have advantage on this still, so you get to roll two times and you have a plus seven.
Man, I hope I get a 15. You need an eight or higher on the die.
I hope I get an eight. Four.
No, but you have his second roll if you want. Does he have to? He doesn't have to, no.
100%. But wait, if he wastes this action, we can't get a cup of goo? No, you'll still be able to.
This is all just the bonus action. All right, so I need an eight or higher.
I got a 17. That is enough.
Absolutely. 100%.
You are able to,, yank this open. You remember that.
Now, because you got a 24, I would also let you open one or even two other tubes, if you want. That's good.
At least one. Well, he's got mind control with the redskin, right? Got a mind connection going on.
Commander, sorry. Yeah.
We can use the devil.

Okay, well, let's get her out.

And then who else?

What about Greg's chick?

No, oh.

She doesn't really fuck with me anymore after the eyeball.

My situation.

What about one of the other?

She was shallow.

What are the three dudes?

There is a pig with white hair.

Ratio's already bad. A dark-skinned guy with a stone eye.
I kind of like the mincey eye. Yeah, the stone eye guy? Stone eye.
Because then at least you have someone that you can sympathize with. Yeah.
You got a buddy. All right, let's get the stone eye guy.
Absolutely, 100%. First of all, you open up Karlax tube.
Karlax comes out, oh, thanks so much. It's so good.
Oh, goodness. She's already annoying me.
I'm dying in there. And as she comes out, her skin all bursts into flames.
I really had to get that out of my system. Oh, she farted.
Hot flashes. Hot ass.
Oh, good. I didn't want to do it while I was still in the tube.
Oh. Push her in the goo.
And then you yank open the tube with the guy with the stone eye. And as he comes jumping out, he says, oh, goodness, thank you so much.
We have to get out of here somehow. And then he looks at you, Ehrlich, and you hear him connect in your mind.
And he says, hey there, are you a warlock by any chance? Sure I am. He kind of tries to do this behind his back.
I'm going to roll to see if anybody, okay. That's a cock to die right there.
I'm going to reroll that. That's just enough that only you see it, Ehrlich.
He conjures up a little bit of fire in his hand so that only you can see. It's an Eldritch Blast.
He's a warlock too. Let's Go home.
Absolutely. Wait, so I had one more.
His name's Will, by the way. What a Billy.

I had a. Only you can see it's an Eldritch Blast.
He's a warlock, too. Let's go.

Absolutely.

Wait, so I had one more.

His name's Will, by the way.

What a Billy.

I had one more action, right?

Can I rage puke the tab pullout?

You can try.

Absolutely.

Go for it.

You're going to rage puke.

I'll give you advantage on that. Okay, all right.

I'm going to rage puke the tab pullout.

Plus four on the constitution.

Two.

Two is not going to be enough.

I'll let you roll one more time.

Thank you. Okay, all right.
I'm going to rage puke the tadpole out. Plus four on the constitution.
Two.

Two is not going to be enough.

I'll let you roll one more time.

Eighteen.

Eighteen plus four.

With a 20 or higher, you try your best to rage puke out the tadpole.

The tadpole starts shrieking at you.

Wait, wait, I can offer you power.

Do you still try to rage puke it out?

I think one of us got to get this tadpole out, right?

Just in case.

Yeah.

Yeah, get the fucking tadpole out.

Rage puke.

Absolutely.

I'm going to allow it 100%.

Yes.

And then it goes flying out of your mouth

into the basin, splash,

and it begins swimming around.

Oh no, can we catch it?

Oh yeah, you can try to catch it.

Go ahead and roll.

Yeah, let me catch that.

You can puke this thing out? You can catch it. If you get a 20 or higher, yeah.
What the fuck, man? By the way, this is not true in the game, 100%. Nick, you probably should have thought of that before you took out your eye.
19. 19, you catch it in your hand,

and immediately it tries to race up your arm

to get back into your body.

It is doing a pretty good job.

It's like the mummy,

except instead of going under your skin like the scarabs,

it's just quickly moving up your arm,

and it's trying to get back in through your eye.

Roll another d20 to try to stop it.

Oh, no.

13.

13 plus 2 is just enough. Catch it in your hand.
It's wiggling around. I'm just going to roll in as long as it doesn't do super well.
It can't burrow. Nope.
It doesn't burrow into your hand. You've got your tadpole clenched down.
We got a tadpole, boys. We got a tadpole.
Love it. Absolutely.
Does he feel any different? Do I look skinnier? You don't? No, but in theory, your thoughts are more clear. That's true, actually.
The amount you puked, 100%. You're feeling pretty good.
You're feeling hungry now. Yeah, okay.
Absolutely. And you're looking good.
All right. I have a question for you.
So I have a plus five on performance here. One thing I know about lizards and amphibians, they've got ears that connect directly to their brain.
Could I sing a note so high that the vibration of it kills everyone's tadpole? You have kind of a counter-tarmability, and that's similar to what you're describing. I'm going to let you try that.
You can make a perform check to play like the, not the brown note, but the worm note, as it were, that will destroy worms. I'd like to destroy every worm except for the one that Norm has in his hand because I feel like we can interrogate it.
We're going to test it. I'm going to say this, though.
You don't have a way to control, which unless, you know what? If you try to cover up your worm as much as possible, we don't know if you did a good job covering it until you already try this. Are you willing to take that risk? Yes, I'm willing to try it.
Okay, absolutely. That is not enough, unfortunately.
I'm sorry to say that you try to play the note, and you hear your worm and all the other worms, including the one in your hand, start bopping out to the music, and all the other people still in the test tube start bopping out. Their worms are enjoying the music as well, and they start trying to hold their heads.
It's obvious the gith woman starts freaking out. She's like, get this thing out of my head! And suddenly we remember, gith really don't like mind flayers, is what I would say.
I've always said that. Alright.
Should we... Typical Gith.
So is that my full action? I'd say actually that's your bonus action. You can do an action still.
Okay. Alright.
So for the real action, I feel like we gotta go through this door. We gotta see the guy that's got his head cut off.
Absolutely. Yeah.
As soon as you start even looking in that direction, you hear, help me! Help me, please! I'm in the head! It's me. I'm the one in the skull.
Okay. I think we got to rip that one out.
That's like another worm that we can have. Okay.
Or do we experiment and put more in? Or is that what they want us to do? What if we put your worm into the guy's head with the other worm and see what happens? Maybe they'll fight each other. A damsel in distressed disguise.
I'm down. They're trying to...
You want my worm? Yeah, can we put his worm into the other guy's head and see what these worms do? As you start to approach, make a knowledge check real quick for me. This is an arcana check.
You have a plus four. Okay, with a 15, you notice that the brain that is visible at the top of his skull where it's been sawed off looks swollen.
It looks like it's too big and it wiggles slightly. It's JFK? You think it's somehow alive, this brain here.
And you could grab his worm and try to walk over with it. Should I do that? Okay, I'll take the worm.
Careful, cover it up. I'll walk over with it.
And then I'd like to hold it right above the other person's brain to try to lure the other worm out. You hold it there.
The worm in your hand, first of all, roll and make sure nothing bad happens when you take the worm. Okay.
That's a 17. Nothing bad happens.
You got the firm grip on the worm. The worm starts to reach towards the brain, and then it stops and goes, hmm, and kind of goes limp.
Like it's like, forget it. And then you realize that that brain is wiggling so much like it's trying to climb out of the skull.
You don't think it's an ordinary brain at all. It doesn't have a worm in it.
It's something else entirely. And suddenly with your 15 before you remember, mind flayers make creatures called intellect devourers that look like little brains that crawl around on four legs.
You think you get a glimpse of a little leg inside that skull. Let me out.
Let me out, please. Okay, so that brain is actually its own creature.
It's its own creature. Exactly right.
You are realizing that just barely with a 15 now. All right.
And it seems like the tadpole doesn't want to go in. There's no tadpole in there right now, and your tadpole isn't interested.
It tries to get back into your brain, and you're holding a firm grip on it. In fact, do you know this? Even though you have a tadpole in your head, this other tadpole is trying to still get into your head.
Okay. All right.
So is it Greg's turn? I would say you have approached it, but you haven't done an action yet. Oh, okay.
It just kind of went limp, the tadpole. And this brain creature, this intellect devourer, is saying, let me out of here.
All right, so do we want to get the brain? Should we get the brain out? We should carry the brain. It's made by the flares.
That's not a brain at all. That's a beast.
You know that this is a creation of the mind flares. So we ignore the brain.
Let's eat it. There's another sphincter, right? Or do we kill the brain? There's another sphincter you can walk right past.
Do we kill the brain? I want to throw something in the goo. We might be hungry.
Should we throw the brain in the goo? Throw the brain in the goo. We can throw the brain in the goo.
Yeah, let's throw the brain in the goo. Absolutely.
So you go to reach and pull it out. You can make an acrobatics or sleight of hand to check to try to pull this brain out.
I've got plus fives. Yeah, absolutely.
You're great at this. That is a cock to die.
I'm going to ask you to re-roll that. 17, Tim.
You're right. It's cock.
There we go. That's a two.
You try to get the brain out. D&D rigged.

You start damaging it.

It tries to help you.

It's giving you a re-roll.

Ow, you're hurting me.

Try one more time.

It's trying to, uh-oh.

Roll with authority.

Yeah.

Shut up, Hanks.

With only an 11, it starts to scream, you're hurting me.

You're hurting me.

Oh.

Brothers.

And suddenly, from the ceiling, a brain with four legs drops down onto the ground. On one of the walls, suddenly crawling out of a nearby orifice, another intellect devourer comes out.
They are closing in on you. Sorry, guys.
This is bad vibes. Mmm, intellect devourers, and I'm gonna roll them into initiative.
They're going one, two. They're going right now after you.
As they run towards you, one of them is going to suddenly shoot out a blue beam of energy towards your mind and misses. You kind of dodge out of the way of that beam.
Then the other one fires a blue beam towards you. Unless I roll a one on this, and then they go after Cake.
No, okay. Cake was the only one who was possibly close by.
No, they both miss you. Well done.
And they're racing towards you firing these blue beams of energy. Then the one who you were trying to free tries to climb out.
He frees himself. You see his legs rip out of the skull.
He pushes himself free. He lands on the ground and begins growing tentacles out of his body.
He shoots a blue beam out at you. And this is as well.
You're dodging and ducking and weaving all of these beams. You don't know what they would have done, but they don't look good.
And that is your turn at this point. Good turn.
Bringing us to Greg next. We're going to get back to D&D in a second.
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more Dungeons and Dragons.

Boys, this is a team game. Should we run? Let's run through the other sphincter? Yeah, we might want to run.
We're going to beeline towards the other sphincter. I will point out, they will follow you, potentially.
They could follow you. You don't know that they will or not, but they could follow you through that sphincter door.
You could just keep running full speed and hopefully outrun them. They were very adverse to the worms, right? The worms weren't interested in that, it seemed.
Do we know who's the slowest amongst us? That would be you and Ehrlich. That's a surprise.
Who's the shortest? You are actually barbarians. Have extra speed.
That's a hell of a combo.

Strong and fast.

Yeah, I'm going to run to the sphincter.

Absolutely.

You run to the next sphincter door.

They're turning and watching you, these brains on legs.

And as you run for the sphincter door, it's just shut right now.

I have a popper with me.

Absolutely.

Okay.

As you throw it at the sphincter, it just suddenly like, and it starts flopping a little bit like it's real loose right now. And as you see through that sphincter door, you can see more people on slabs.
There is also creatures flying around in here. There is a hole in the wall, and you can see flames billowing through the hole in the wall, and outside it is just a landscape of fire outside.
Okay, it's a bad room. It's a really bad room.
You can see another tunnel leading out of here. I am a firefighter.
There's a tunnel? Absolutely. There's another tunnel leading out of here.
There is a console in front of the three people who are on slabs. Their heads are not sawed open, and there is some sort of machine that they have been positioned around in three equidistant spots, forming a triangle around them.
And then in front of the first one you can see, there is a console with three buttons and three symbols. You cannot read what the symbols are.
I'm going to press one of the buttons. Absolutely, you run up, there is a console with three buttons and three symbols you cannot read what the symbols are i'm going to press one of the buttons absolutely you run up there is a left button a middle button and a right button what button do you press boys you can also try to translate but what button do you think left left first thing it came to my middle left you press the left button there are sparks on the machine And each of them shakes a little bit The three people on the slabs But nothing happens Make an arcana check to see if you know What might have transpired right there This is just a d20 plus zero Six You don't know exactly what transpired right there But that button didn't seem to really do anything There's a middle button and a right button still.
And I have another action?

That barely counted as an action.

I should press them all at once. You can press all three.

Yeah, I would like to do that.

I'll press all three.

So which one do you press next?

I use my forearm and press them simultaneously.

You press them at the same time, absolutely.

Immediately they all sit up and in unison say,

attack, attack.

They have wires coming out of their head, And then all of a sudden, they instantly spark and die. Oh, let's go.
Beat them. Absolutely.
The OD. The notch on the belt.
I got to say, I'm mad that Baldur's Gate doesn't let you press two buttons at the same time. That was freaking genius.
Thank you so much. That was really good.
You did the boom right there. Absolutely.
Love it. And so immediately those three figures just fall dead to the ground, and you can see that there are these creatures flying around in the air.
They look like a creature that you have seen accompanying Ehrlich. They look like imps, little devils that keep swarming in.

Lola the imp, swarming in through the cavity in the side of the wall.

They are looking at you, they hiss,

and they begin getting ready to swoop down.

They're gonna do so after Ehrlich's turn, but not before.

And so we've got some imps,

and then we've got intellect devours

that are gonna be going after Wayne's turns. We got a lot going on, boys.
We've got a lot going on. Absolutely.
Now, that was only your bonus action. You still have an action right now if you would like to do something else.
I will heal myself, please. Oh, yes, absolutely.
You can use your lay on hands ability, and you have at level 6 up to 30 points. You could just give yourself half of those, 15 points, you'll be back up to full 15 100% you put yourself back up to full hit points and you my eye doesn't grow back does it? No, actually roll me a d20 if you get an 11 or higher your eye grows back.
Oh, but it's milky and white. Oh, gross.
Will the warlock we freed goes, hey, pretty cool look. A real milky eye.
Absolutely, that milky eye. Absolutely.
And that'll bring us to you next, Cake. Cake, what would you like to do? I would like to sacrifice my eye and give it to my friend Greg.
No, I just got my milk. Don't read your eyes.
Oh, Jake, great job. He's got a cool look.
Wait, I'll take it. No, he's got a cool look.
But I'm the smartest one. I could go without an eye, right, Tim? I guess so.
Yeah. It makes perfect sense.
Okay. Yeah.
Absolutely. So I'll let you.
I mean, in theory, you'll still have trouble seeing things further away. But as an elf, you have naturally good perception.
So that'll just kind of counteract it, maybe. Go ahead and roll...
You can either surgically remove the eye and give it to him, or you can use your magical skills, and that would be Arcana. That's probably better.
Go ahead and roll a d20 plus Arcana. Alright.
12. 12 plus 5 is 17.
Now I'm going to let you roll a d20. Are you taking this eye from him? I'm refusing the eyeball.

We're not a match.

Is the eye already out?

Did he take his eye out?

Tell him you're refusing it before he takes his eye out.

You didn't ask if I wanted your eye.

No consent.

Good call.

You've removed your eye.

I hardly know you.

That's a really big gift.

So what am I doing now?

You're holding your eye.

Oh, I lost mine too. It is out.
I'd let you try to reinsert it, but that would be another Arcana check. Alright, let's do it.
If he doesn't want it, I guess I'll take it. Roll me another Arcana check.
This is all just your bonus action, I'll say. 17.
17 plus Arcana plus 5 is absolutely enough. As long as you got a 20 or higher, you reinstall your eye.
So I tried helping my teammate out. He didn't want the help.
It's your bonus action right there. What would you like to do with your action? I have a plus seven investigation.
I'd like to learn maybe more about those three things we killed. Absolutely.
Sorry, the three figures who are on the slabs. 100%.
Go ahead and make an investigation check. One.
One one one oh no um as you are trying to investigate it uh you like reach for some of the wires and try to like examine them immediately sparks begin to fly off i'd like you to roll a d20 dexterity saving throw to see 11 11 um and you only have like a plus three at best that was not a 15 or higher We're going to be taking two of these d8s, 10 points of lightning damage from the cords as they electrocute you. That's going to bring you down to 28 out of 38 hit points.
Unfortunately, you are one of the squishiest among us. That makes sense.
Hell yeah. And so that was your action trying to examine that.
Ehrlich, you were the only one still in the tube. No, I got him out.
That's right, 100%. Apologies, I didn't mark that down.
You went out of the tube. I need you to give me credit for that.
You did. Absolutely, yes.
I would like to give Greg my eye. This is eye secret Santa.
I love it, 100%. And so go ahead.
And how are you doing that?

Light crossbow?

I mean, I'd say using a light crossbow bowl.

It's really good.

What can your guy do?

To pop it out?

Hank, the light crossbow.

Hank stopped reading his sheet after it's had light crossbow.

He's got one move.

And he does it well.

Are you trying to fire the light crossbow or just take a light crossbow bolt to pop your eye? Pop it out. Pop it out, absolutely.
This will be a slight of hand jump in that case. Okay, D20? Yeah, D20 plus like five, I think.
Oh, I got a two. Okay, no.
You are definitely hurting yourself, I'm sorry to say. That was, you said you have light crossbow, so I'm going to give you the light crossbow damage on that, but not double it.
That's just five points of damage in all. Ehrlich, that's going to bring you down to 30 out of 45.
You're at two-thirds of your health left, and that was your action. Anything with your move or bonus action? Bonus action, just do it again.
All right, one more time. I'd let you try it again.
Yeah, try it again. Get that eye out.
All right, let's try it again. Absolutely that eye out Alright let's try it again Yes that would be a better weapon For doing that What's your attack bonus with your short sword Damage 1d6 plus 2 What does it say right before that 1d20 plus 5 I'm going to give you advantage on this since you're using a melee weapon as opposed to improvising.
20! 20, amazing, 100%. You are popping your eye out, and then the moment you do, it flies out and hovers in the air.
It turns to you, and your patron says, you're closer to me than you've ever been. How did you get to my section of the nine hells? It's speaking to you through your eye, your patron.
And he says, I'm sorry, did you tear out your eye for a reason? Did you want to give it to someone? I'll help you. Yeah, I'd like to give it to Greg.
It flies towards Greg. Greg, this eye isn't even, he's not even asking you.
It's just flying towards your eye socket. And with a critical hit.
It even grows like the optical nerves, like tentacles.

Hell yeah.

Hits you in the eye and crawls in, tearing out your regrown milky eye

and replacing it with a gnomish eye.

What color are your eyes?

Blue.

Blue.

So you got this new blue eye.

Oh, yeah.

And suddenly you can see in the dark when you shut this eye out.

Thanks, man.

Max, sure.

This is cool.

100%.

What a good friend you are, Ehrlich.

Yeah, that's huge. Absolutely.
That was awesome. Well done.
Good move right there. I like it, Ehrlich.
That is going to bring us to you next. I feel the vibes.
I feel... Well, now Hank doesn't have an eyeball.
Wait, no, hold on. See, I...
I feel the vibes are really high right now, and like everyone's helping each other, so I want to help. Give me your run, man.
No, I want to... The stone eye guy, he's been stuck this whole time so i want to take earlick's eye and swap it with the stone okay absolutely so earlick's got one eye right now you're gonna take his eye i'll put a stone in his head and then our stone eye guy will have two eyes do you tell him i'm getting you an eye or yeah it's like yo bro i'm gonna get you an eye i got i got an eye guy he starts to already say, I actually don't, this is part of a deal that I made.
It's not important, but this is, okay, and he's not even asking you to stop. You can absolutely take Ehrlich's eye if you want.
Now, Ehrlich, are you letting him do this? No, I'm just going to do it. I just want to make sure you're resisting this.
Is that right, Ehrlich? Nah, he can have it. All right.
Okay. Just roll an athletics check and you have advantage on this.
Okay, 12. You roll if you want it's already going to be enough though let me see if you crit was it cock die? in theory that did look kind of like a cock die to me so let's roll it again ok so we'll ignore that 6 we'll take the 12 plus 7 is a 19 you are able to tear his eye out and then you are able to bring it over to Will.
And Will keeps waving his hand. He's like, I really don't need this eye.
Nah, Will. Nah.
You're taking this eye, bro. I suppose as long as I, and he pops his stone eye out.
Yep. It floats there for a moment, just like Ehrlich's eye did.
He takes Ehrlich's other eye, inserts it in and goes, I mean, this is pretty cool, I guess. And he looks around.
I can see in the dark. Thank you.
And he just pockets his stone eye. Oh, no, I need that.
I need that. You want it? Yeah, I'm going to put it in his head.
But make a persuasion check on him right now. You gave him an eye and he pocketed his spare? He says, I didn't know you wanted the stone eye.
He explains to a three, you actually have minus one on persuasion. He says, I can't tell you why, but I need this stone eye.
I can't give it to him. Now, Ehrlich, do you say anything? I let you talk as a reaction, even though it's not your turn, to say something here.
And you're blind right now, so you're just kind of trying to look in the direction you hear the voices. I do a hellish rebuke.
You haven't been attacked? I mean, you just took my eye out. The only person you could hellish rebuke is Knorr.
You told me to. You said it was fine.
You need to get that fucking stone, dude. That stone has something to do with it.
There's something mystical. The fact that he pocketed it is a bad thing.
Get that stone. How can I get that stone? You could either try to swipe it from him.
What about the bow? Can I do a mage hand? What about the bow hand that would give you advantage on swiping it from the light crossbow. Light crossbow.
You also could try to persuade him. Norm tried, but only got a two.
You could try to tell Will, listen, I need that stone. I want him to shoot the crossbow blind.
Let's do a light crossbow. I'll try and shoot his pocket so it hits the eye.
I'll let you try as a reaction show. What the hell? You're trying to fire at Will? Is that right? The guy who will give you his stone eye? You're trying to hit his stone eye.
Is that right? Out of his pocket? The crossbow will penetrate a stone. No, it hits underneath the stone and then pops out of his pocket.
If it critical hits, yes, I will say it knocks it out of his pocket. It won't destroy the stone for reasons we may get into, but if you hit it, then I will say it knocks it out of his pocket.
All right, what do I need to hit it? I would say you need an 18 or higher, and you have a plus six bonus on this. 13.
Well, sorry, you had a 13 on the die, is that right? A plus six is going to be a 19. That would be enough, but here's the problem.
You have disadvantage because you are blind right now, and you are firing her in the direction you can hear the voice. Roll one more time and take the lower number.
So far, you're succeeding. If you can get another 13 or higher, you're good.
20! Absolutely. So you do take the lower number.
It's not a crit. But you shoot your light crossbow.
It hits his stone and tears a hole in the bag he just tried to put it into. It falls out.
It doesn't, like, a critical hit would have made it fly through the air. It falls out.
It starts rolling. And I'm going to roll.
If I get a six, it's towards you. It's directly towards Ehrlich right now.
Ehrlich, I would let you try to roll to scoop it up, but you have disadvantage. But before you do that...
Try to scoop up a stone as a blind guy. You would roll two times a lower number.
I'll just take Norm. Were you trying to scoop it up first? The stone eye, or you let it roll towards him? It might be heavy.
I would rather you get it. All right, I'll scoop it up.
Absolutely. I'll scoop that shit.
I can't see. What do I need? Really just a 15 or higher.
Yes. 14 plus your athletics is enough as long as Will doesn't beat you.
Will's running for the eye. That's a cocked die.
Not enough. Nope.
Not enough. You grab the eye.
So you currently have it. Ehrlich's looking around on the floor.
Will's like, I need that. That's part of a deal that I made with someone, and it's very important.
If I don't have that eye, I could get in huge trouble. And you see him try to, like, point at you, like, I need to, and fire begins to build up in his eye, and then you see it flicker and die.
And he tried to conjure fire in his hand, and it just flickers and dies away. And he looked at you, please, I need that.
No, I got that now. Yeah, that's ours now.
Absolutely, you got this stone eye. I'm going to roll to see how upset he is now.
No, that was a cocked eye. Let me see.
No, he's just angry at you, but he's not lunging to try to grab it. That's a you problem.
That's right. Absolutely, 100%.
Norm, you still have an action. I'd say, what do you want to do? What do you guys want to do? I think we should fuck up these brains that are crawling after us.
Okay. Absolutely.
Yeah, let's fuck them up. 100%.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Go ahead, piss. You are raging already.
You can run up to one of these brains. You attack the brain that crawled out of the head, or you attack one of the other two brains.
Wait, say it again. There's one of the intellect devourers crawled out of the skull, and then there's two others that crawled out of the ceiling and out of the wall.
Just a quick question, because PFT, maybe I'll lean on you to tell me which one we want to attack. But how – could I kill Hank? Yeah, so I was thinking – so Hank's gone.
I have Fireball. He's blind.
You have advantage. I have Fireball.
So if you want to do something against Hank, now's a great time. Then on my turn, I go back to that.
Let's not kill him. Let's just turn him into like a welcome mat.
Let's take off his legs and arms. Yeah, okay.
All right. We'll take off his legs and arms.
We've got to go fast. Absolutely.
100%. So are you going reckless on this? Yeah, I'm reckless.
100%. He's blind.
That means you get to roll three times and take the highest number. 14 so far.
10. 20.
That's a 20. That is not a cop die.
That is a natural 20 right there. Absolutely.
With a critical hit, you're almost like lining up the shot like everyone see this. And he's like, I can't find my glasses.
And like you just are going for the decapitating blow. You're using your great axe.
That's 1d12. It's 2d12.
You get to roll all of that. Can we tell Hank until it's his turn? You're dead, man.
That's 7 plus. It's just those two.
You get to roll all of that again. Can we tell Hank until it's his turn? Wait, you're dead, man.
That's seven plus... It's just those two.
Okay. So seven plus...
Oh, apologies. No, you're using a great...
Are you using a great sword or a great axe? Great sword. Okay, then my mistake.
You would actually be rolling this two times. So nine so far, and then roll again.

Nine plus eight is 17, plus another six is going to be 23 damage.

He's down to seven left.

Okay.

And then you can roll a second attack if you wish.

Okay.

Against the target.

Yeah, against the target.

Absolutely.

Just roll three times against the target.

These?

No, you would roll the d20 three times. Yeah.
against the target. Absolutely.
Just roll three times against the target? These? You would roll the d20 three times.

Okay. Miss?

That's a hit

with an 11 so far. Hit what?

I'm going after the target.

You have hit, but not crit

for another 2d6

plus 6

damage. A lot of rolls.
He's got

7 left. 4.
That's all you're rolling for? That's all mine. Plus six is ten in all.
That is a knockout blow. Okay.
And he is unconscious. Who's he? Tim? Who's he? What? Oh, hey, Hank.
Hey, Ehrlich. Hey, Ehrlich.
Absolutely. Ehrlich, I am sorry to inform you that you have just been knocked unconscious to the ground.

You don't know who attacked you.

Because you're a kid.

You don't know.

You were blind.

You could have been anybody.

You could have been anybody, Ehrlich.

You could have been anyone.

Ehrlich was blind in the corner taking a piss and just got bodied by somebody.

He was doing the Velma on the ground.

And with a critical hit, that was an arm or a leg that got chopped off? Let's go with the leg. I'd say both legs.
Oh, both legs. Okay, great.
Both legs. Can I, can I, I know I don't have any actions left, but is there any, like, can I console Ehrlich? Oh, yeah.
Because I don't know who. He's unconscious right now.
Can I just pet his hair? Like the Pieta, like.. Yeah, just pet his hair like, hey, baby, I don't know who hurt you.
100%. Everybody in the tubes is like, what the fuck? You hear the intellect devour.
These guys don't like each other. It's like, ah, what's going on, says one of them.
And the other one's like, I don't know, but I think maybe we should just. And I'm going to roll all the intellect devours.
One of them is just like, I don't know what's going on, but I'm getting out of here. And one of the intellect devourers just runs away.
He's so confused. There's only two intellect devourers left.
That's a good strategy. It's actually a great strategy.
Wayne, you would be up now, and then the intellect devourers are going to get a chance to do something. Okay, I think we've got to fuck up these brains.
We'll keep fucking up these brains, because that's what I was doing. No, the targets.
Yeah, yeah, the targets. But it seems like they were afraid of the violence we had with each other.
Yeah. It was a good strategy, actually.
Yeah, that was. They got very confused.
I wouldn't say they're scared. More like, maybe we don't have to do anything here.
Maybe we just leave and this problem will take care of itself. So I can cast a spell.
Could I cast a spell at the target? Like, if there was an unconscious target,

could I cast a spell on that thing

to make it have nightmares? Yes.

So, okay.

You're thinking of the spell Dissonant Whispers, is that right?

Which spell were you thinking of? Yeah, maybe that one.

Just something like, let them have a really,

really uncomfortable sleep. You're unconscious and

have no legs and no eyes. Snap.

Sorry, one second.

He could have done a Heller Shabuke after the first

attack. He doesn't know who attacked

him. He doesn't know who attacked him, so this

Let's do it I feel like you have to see It makes perfect sense you have to see It almost always says that you can A blind rebuke You point your finger in the creature that damage you Okay it says You just said he didn't know You point your finger in the creature that damaged you. Okay, it says...
He just said he didn't know. You point your finger in the creature that damaged you is momentarily surrounded by hellish flames.
I will let you roll a... He doesn't know.
I'll let you roll a d20 to point your finger in the right direction, but it's a completely wild chance. You need to roll me a d12.
That's this one. And if you get a natural 12, you get it.
Thank you. Have you got a 12? Yeah, I mean, it's a guess.
You're guessing. You have a 1 in 12 chance.
Eight. Eight.
No. You fire up Alice Rebuke.
It was in the wrong direction, unfortunately. Did it hit PFT? It does not hit anybody, unfortunately.
That was a good try, though. And, yeah, PFT, Wayne would be up right now.
Yeah, I want to give him nightmares. Absolutely, 100%.
I'll say that can affect him. You're doing Dissonant Whispers.
Now, I do want to point out, that means that he will basically, if three things hit him, then he's dead. If you get into melee and hit him in melee, that counts as two hits, not one.
If you do this mental attack as one hit The sword might actually be the better strategy I don't know if I want to kill him I just want to make him have a bad time Absolutely 100% If you don't listen to Whispers Then he'll have a bad time He might wake up soon and he'll be pissed Let's take his tongue BFT make him dream That he lost his light crossbow. Worst dream possible.
Can we convince him that he did this to himself? Oh, yes. It's his own fault.
Absolutely, 100%. So you're casting a spell on him, is that right? I'm going to say that while unconscious, I will let you roll one saving throw.
And no eyes and no legs. And no eyes and no legs.
Blind, legless, unconscious, Ehrlich, please do roll 1d20. Normally you would have advantage on saving throws against this as a gnome, but since you're unconscious, I'm going to say that cancels out.
I do not have eyes in real life either. The mask is actually working very well for this.
He took out his own eye first. Oh, dang.
With an 18. That is enough that suddenly in your dream, a light crossbow appears trying to chase you.
And you're like kind of dodging the shots as they're coming at you in this dream. Does he have legs in his dream? In his dream, he does.
Okay. All right.
That's 100%. That's good.
So when he wakes up, he'll be disappointed. Absolutely.
He will be. Yeah, absolutely.
Okay, what do I have left? You have done your action, so you have your bonus action. So my bonus action.
I could cast another spell, right? You could do a bonus action spell or inspire somebody. So your bonus actions are right here.
You could either cast a bonus action spell like Healing Word to heal somebody, or you could inspire somebody. I could inspire an ally.
Absolutely. Inspiration means that on one D20 roll, they get to add a D8 and try to boost up that D20 roll a little bit better whenever they want to use it.
Just gassing up your boys. Absolutely.
Exactly. What about the stone eye guy? If we gassed him up, could he tell us what the stone is? I think that helps him.
What does it help him do? I would say that if you give him inspiration, it'll give him the opportunity to use inspiration on a dice roll, but also it will make him like you more, and I would let you do a persuasion. I feel like the stone is important.
So I could do that, or I could gas up Greg, and whatever Greg does on his turn is going to have bonus. That's true.
All right, yeah, I like that. Super Greg.
Yeah, it's like it's Katie and Draymond. Yeah, Greg with three Gs.
Yeah, Greg with three G greg with three g's yeah okay yeah i want to do that i always say there's two types of bards they're either playing music to inspire people or they're like a coach and they're going go get him tiger so what are you saying to him exactly to inspire him i'm just saying hey motherfucker you got this absolutely that worked yeah yes i am marking you down as having bardic inspiration greg and whenever you want to use it you it after you've rolled. So if it's like, oh, a 12, but you needed a 15, then you get to roll the d8 and add that on and hope to get three or more.
So you get to do it retroactively. So well done, Wayne.
However, Wayne, after your turn, that is when the intellect devourers are going to be running toward us again. They are going to go after...
What do you think is the slowest one now? It would be you, unfortunately. But I have legs.
The slowest one would definitely be. Yeah, that's right.
I meant of the people who are conscious. And who have legs and eyes.
People who can move, you are the slowest. Wait, quick poll.
Definitely the slowest person. Everyone who has two eyes and two legs? Yeah, okay, just...
I am sorry to say that first, Greg, an attack is coming at you as one of the intellect of ours. Comes bounding towards you, and ooh, Greg, an armor class, your armor class is higher than a 16.
He got a 16 just barely. This beam goes towards you, and it glances off of your helmet.
You are doing okay. And then, wait, one attack is definitely coming after you, because you were the one who tried to free the brain and then made it mad, I believe.
Is that right? Yeah, I got this off. Sure.
Okay. 14, I believe, does not hit your armor class.
Nope, it is 17. Well done, excellent.
And then that is gonna bring us from the intellect of ours to Greg next. Then the imps are gonna go after that.
I feel like we're kind of lost right now. There's imps above us.
Yes, they're about to go right after your turn. Oh boy.
And there is another hallway leading out of the room with these three dead people and the imps in the previous room with the intellect of ours. And Ulrich is, he's not deaf yet, is he? Ulrich is, he's not dead.
Sorry, Ehrlich is not deaf, No. Okay, we wouldn't want that.
Is there any, like, deaf spells? Deaf spells? Oh, deafness spells. Absolutely.
There is a deafness spell. Paladins cannot cast it, unfortunately.
What about cutting one's ears off? Yes. Can you still hear if you don't have ears? Probably not as well.
Let's run to the hallway. Absolutely, 100%.
As you run towards the hallway, intellect of ours are chasing you, imps are chasing you. You go up this spiral, not a staircase, but it sort of arcs upward, and you can hear a lot of commotion beyond one more sphincter door.
But it's the biggest one you've seen yet. And the battles that sound like they're happening beyond this door sound like they are crazy.
Something big is happening beyond this door. You remember that you need to think this door open.
You haven't done that yet. I have to think it open? You have to think the thought to open the door.
Okay. I don't think we're ready yet.
Absolutely. You can make a perception check as a bonus action to listen.
You would have a plus five on this. Actually, plus four.
Plus four. D20 plus four.
It's a two. With a six, you don't know any more information other than it's a big battle.
You could try again with your action, then that would be your whole turn, though. Is there anything in this room in front of the door? Nothing in front of the door, no.
I'd say no, with that perception check you don't notice anything in front of the door, no. Fellas, what are we thinking? I'm thinking that to get this reptile out of our brain we probably have to kill like the person that put the reptiles in our brain.
That's right. And then the rest will die, you think? That's what I think.
We still have one, right? He's the captain. Wayne was taking the last one holding it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could figure out what...
Can we torture it? Or have it lead us to its home? Just drop it on the ground? I don't know. Can we make a leash? Yeah.
You could. Put it on a leash.
I would like to make a worm leash. Absolutely.
Go ahead and with your action. Make a worm leash.
This will be a d20 plus. I rolled a fucking four.
Okay, never mind then. We won't worry about what the bonus was.
It was not enough. You try to make a little worm leash.
Now, you were just trying to make it. You weren't letting the worm go and trying to catch it, right? The worm's still firmly just making sure.
Actually, since you were holding

it on your last turn, Wayne, just roll me a d20

as long as you don't get a one. Nothing has happened with the worm.

You're fine.

You got a firm grip on the worm.

You're attempting to make a worm leash. You hold it up.
It's like a

teeny tiny little dental floss

noose. You're like, will this work? And we're all like, no.

You're pretty sure it won't.

That was unfortunately not a successful action, but that will lead us to the imps next. There are a total of three imps that are going to come swooping down at us and the first one is going to be attacking Wayne.
Wayne! As one of the imp swoops down, it gets tangled um, uh, what do you have in your hands? You got the sword, right? The tadpole The tadpole, absolutely It swoops down, kind of crashes into your shoulder And flops onto the ground And the tadpole's trying to go for that imp Do you let it go or no? What do you think? Should we let the thing attack? Well, what if we let the tadpole go on the imp And then the the imp walks us there? So it's almost like a human leash. We could just use a regular rope.
We also have those in our own brains, too. True.
Oh, man, this is tough. But you don't want it to lead one of yourself.
I think it's more valuable that we have the tadpole. Absolutely.
That makes a ton of sense. It would have probably gone into the imp, and then we would have lost control over it.
Good job. And so that imp completely missed.
It gets up and tries to fly away. The next imp is going to be swooping down towards Ehrlich, actually.
His unconscious body. An imp is going for it.
Imps are particularly cruel. You can't see them coming, right? You can't see them.
Exactly. This imp would have advantage normally except that as it tries to get its advantage for him being blinded, suddenly an invisible shape swoops in, tackles that imp and they begin fighting.
We don't see what the imp is fighting, but everyone here besides Erlich can roll a d20 real quick to see if you can remember what would be going on here. He is unconscious.
Oh, yeah, unfortunately.

And he's also blind and legless.

Fuck.

I keep forgetting.

We're going to, like OJ, we're going to find the killer.

Just so you know.

Okay.

15.

With a 15.

And you have a plus zero on intelligence,

so that is still enough with a 15 to remember Lola.

Yes. Lola is still around right now.
She's been invisible this whole time, and she's an imp, so she's fighting imp versus imp right now. She's on our side.
Mm-hmm. Well, she seems to be protecting Ehrlich at the moment.
So she is defending Ehrlich. She prevents that imp from hurting him.
She's not doing a very good job. And then the next imp is going after her.
Where was she from? I thought you guys were my... You kind of took her by surprise, as much as you took Ehrlich by surprise.
And Greg, I'm sorry to say, you've got an imp swooping down at you, and it just barely gets an 18. Finally, one of the monsters hits.
Unfortunately, he's going to be stinging you for minimum damage. Just four points of damage, bringing you down to 48.
You are at full hit points, Greg. But then I'm going to need you to make a constitution saving throw against the imp's scorpion tail poison.
Roll me a d20 plus four to see if you can shake this off. I rolled a two.
A two. I am sorry to say that you're going to be taking full poison damage, which is 10 points of poison damage, bringing you down to 38 again.
That is 14 points down, and that is going to be enough that you could heal it back, but that would be almost all of your healing that you have left. And that was the imp's turn.
Then that is going to bring us to Cake next. How many imps are still out there, Tim? You can tell that there are three imps in the room with us, but there are more coming in every turn through that hole in the wall.
So running past... I want to destroy them all.
I want to close that hole. Absolutely.
100%. Oh! Yes! Absolutely.
Now, what spell would you be hoping to use to destroy them all?

Fireball is a spell that would hit everything in the room. Yeah, fireball.
Pearl blasts a fire at an enemy within 120 feet. That's not going to hurt an imp, though.
Please make an arcana check to see if you can remember what imps are resistant to. 18.
With an 18 plus your history or arcana, you would know that imps are immune to fire damage. You do not want to use fireball.
Now, do you have the spell Thunder Wave as a first level spell? Thunder Clap? Thunder Clap is the cantrip version. Yeah, Thunder Wave level one.
Thunder Wave, absolutely. Thunder Wave is a spell you have used before to great effect.
It's the Fusro Da from Skyrim. You just knock everybody in front of you back like bowling pins.

I would say that you can roll a D6, the cube die,

and the higher you roll, the more of these imps you can catch.

All right.

One burst.

Two.

Two.

You're getting two.

Wait, that was a two on the die?

The imps are so spread out, you would be able to hit one of the imps, who is closest to the opening, and then knock everything that's coming in through the opening backward. But it's only going to get one of the imps.
The other two are still going to be in the room right now, unfortunately. Do you still want to use that strategy, or are you going to try something else? If you mention any other spells that may hit multiple targets, there may be better ones than Thunderwave.
The magic missile. Oh, magic missile could fire up to five missiles if you do it as a third level spell slot, and you would be able to spread out those missiles across multiple targets.
You know each imp has ten hit points, and each missile deals 1d4 plus 1 damage. So two missiles could kill an imp, but three is more likely, and four is basically guaranteed to kill an imp.
And you could have up to five of them. Okay.
Do you want to do magic missiles or thunder wave, or something else? Magic missile. Magic missile's a good choice.
So how many of the five missiles—are you firing five missiles? Yeah, I'm trying to kill them. Yeah, absolutely, all out.
Fear me, I'm Mr. Position.
You will die. 100%, absolutely.
You fire off three missiles. I want to point out, sorry, I just remembered, Ehrlich has a wand of magic missiles that is now lying on the ground.
Gotta get them off. Just so you know.
If you wanted to, you could run and grab it. I mean, he can't really use that, so I have to.
You pick up the needler. I have her hands.
The needler is in his hands, but he can't keep you from just picking it up. Do you go and pick up the needler? Yeah, he wouldn't know I'm taking it.
I think I need to ask Hank to pass over the Needler to Jake, please. And Jake, as you pick up the Needler, you know that if you fire off every charge on this wand except the final one, you can fire off, let's see, that's six charges.
You can fire off eight missiles right now. All right, let's do it.
Now, if you use up all seven of the charges, you can actually fire off nine missiles, but there's a one in 20 chance that the wand then explodes in your hands. Do you want to take that risk? I'll roll the dice.
Absolutely. Roll me a D20 to see if the wand melts.
If you get a one, it melts. Nine.
No, nine. It stays intact.
You fire off all of the nine missiles that it can fire. And how are you splitting them up? Three missiles at each imp or a different arrangement? I think I'm going to do one shot at each and try to kill all five.
Absolutely. So there's three imps.
You've got nine missiles. You could split up evenly three on each.
So it would be 3d4 plus 3. The minimum damage is 6.
We do have to roll to see if you can kill these imps.

Go ahead and take these d4s.

I got them.

Well, actually, sorry.

There's an invisible imp.

No, so you cannot target an invisible imp with magic missile.

You need to see a target for magic missile.

So 3d4s?

3d4, and whatever results you get, you're adding plus 3 to them combined.

4, 1, 1. 4, 1, one.
So that's six plus three is nine. You brought an imp down to one hit point left.
So of the three imps, imp number one, is it one out of ten hit points left. Go ahead and roll again for imp number two.
All three d4s? All three d4s plus three. Two, three, four.
Two, three, four. That's going to be enough.
One imp is down. Now roll against imp number three.
Best of all, it's magic damage, so he's taking... One, three, four.
One, three, four. That's eight.
Plus three is 11. Another imp is down.
Two imps down, one down to a single hit point left. That is the one fighting Lola right now.
Well done. So there's an imp fighting Lola, no other imps.
There are also intellective hours, but I'm also going to roll. They're still sticking around right now at least.
And well done, Cake. That was an incredible job.
That was your bonus action to go and grab the needler. And then you fire off those missiles and just start obliterating the imps like you got an AK-47 firing magical shots.
Well done. That is going to bring us to Erlich's turn.
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Ehrlich, on your turn, since you're not dead, I would like you to first roll a d20. If you get a 20, you wake up, you have one hit point, and you get to do a full turn, though you are still blind in Legolas.
As long as you get an 11 or higher, you're doing okay. You got a 15.
A 15, you're doing okay right now. So let me just mark down, Ehrlich.
Good job. That you've gotten one success and no failures.
If you get three failures, you're dead. If you get three successes, you stabilize.
Is he still dreaming about the light crossbow? You are still dreaming. You're dodging the light crossbow now in your dreams.
But unfortunately, that is all you're able to do. However, what would Lola be trying to do right now? Lola could turn into another kind of animal.

Lola is currently invisible.

Lola could attack the

other imp who's trying to hurt you, who has

one hit point left, or Lola could try

to do something to help you, but Lola is not particularly

good at medicine checks to wake you up.

But you could try.

I guess let's be a team player and take out the other imp.

Nice!

A d20 plus 5 And Lola has advantage It's a solid move Is the dot at the top? The dot is at the bottom 9 absolutely and you have advantage Because she's invisible roll one more time 7 So we'll take the 9 plus five is what she has. A 14 is enough, just barely, to hit the imp.
Go ahead and roll 1d4 damage against the imp. That would be the pyramid-shaped one furthest from you.
There you go, that brown one. There you go, you had it.
That's it. That's more than four sides, actually.
It's got four numbers on it, right? Yes. It has three numbers on each side, and it's always the number on top.
Whichever. It should have four.
Pretty sure it does, but I'm counting them. One.
One, okay. So she gets a plus three on this.
That's four damage so far. And the imp only takes two points of damage, but it only had one hit point left, and it is dead now.
Well done. So Lola kills the last imp.
The imps are all dead. And there are...
Let's see. You didn't kind of flush out the imps who were trying to come in, but let's see if they're scared now.
Oh, they are. Yes! The imps are all too scared to come in now.
We have dealt with the imps. A bunch of imps cluster at the entrance, like the opening, and they fly away only in intellective hours, or the only enemy left in the room right now.
We also now see Lola. She is no longer invisible.
Lola has managed to finish off the last of the imps. There is still one, sorry, two intellect evours, one of whom is injured, one of whom is at full hit points, blocking our way to a big battle up ahead in what sounds like a big room, maybe towards the front of the ship.
Norm, you would be up right now. What would you like to do? I think we're going to go to the big battle boys.

All of us? Yeah. Well,

a question for you, Tim. I'm a strong,

I'm a big, strong guy. Absolutely.
Do I have like a backpack or any type of like rope

or metal? Certainly you do.

Absolutely. You always got rope.
You've got some

big, heavy components and stuff.

So let me

tie a rope around Ehrlich and I'll

just, I'll drag him. Okay.
You could pick himhrlich, and I'll just drag him. Okay, so you could pick him up in character.
Nah, we'll drag him. We don't want to leave him behind.
Certainly, absolutely. Remember Truce? I can't see.
Oh. You tie a rope around Ehrlich.
It is remarkably easy for you, a human-sized barbarian, to just drag this gnomish corpse around. We're going to drag him.
He's bumping on ridges as he goes. He slurps over the sphincter door and his face drags along kind of on him and you're running kind of past these intellective hours.
You get to this sphincter door that is not opened yet that we can hear a big commotion on the other side of what you'd like to do. Okay, what do we think? You could make a perception check as a bonus action to hear more, but I don't have a lot of perception.
Nope, you don't. Is there any give to this sphincter? Is it like an asshole where you could force something small through? Historically, I mean, historically, they've been, like, responding to our thoughts, the doors, but you could just walk up to it and there is, like, a little bit of space in the middle of it.
But I'd be afraid if we forced something through, we'd lose it because it's not attached to a rope. Absolutely, yeah.
Wait. A lot of, like, hamsters get lost in my hardships very often.
Yeah, I have something attached to a rope. Absolutely.
You do. So, yeah, why don't we throw Ehrlich through there? To check it out.
Yeah, we have it. I want to emphasize, he's small enough that you can try to squeeze him through.
He's going to be like, you're really going to be forcing him. Yeah, no, I'll force him through, and I'll have the rope.
And so we'll, like, I'm sure this rope is very long. Absolutely.
Long enough, definitely. Almost like fishing.
Absolutely. And you're not thinking for the door to open.
You want it kind of tight as you try to force it. I want to stay tight, but I want to put him into the asshole.
Absolutely. So you can feel a little bit.
Yeah, 100%. So go ahead and roll a D20.
You have advantage on this. This is an athletic check.
Is this the first time somebody's done this, or do we need to go slow? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I would say so.
You hear the ship go, ooh, a little bit. Okay, all right.
Ooh, and it's a one, but you have advantage on this. At first, it just keeps, he gets halfway through, and then it goes, ugh, and pushes it back out.
Can he spit on the door? Yeah. Well, you got to spit on Ehrlich, actually.
I mean, no, I guess, yeah. You're right, you're right.
Yeah, absolutely, 100%. You spit on your finger, but yeah.
Can I rage spit on him? I mean, you've still got like a little bit of throw up and stuff. Okay, perfect, perfect.
Stop. All right, okay.
17. Absolutely.
That is going to be enough with a plus seven for your athletics. You push it, and then it's like you get some resistance, and then all of a sudden it's like.
And like once he's more than halfway through, I was going to say you grab, like the legs are getting pulled through, but you actually don't see anything. As soon as like he's halfway through, you just see his lower body get pulled through, and then a thump on the other side.
Suddenly, all the fighting stops. And you hear two voices, one in all of our minds.
Not mine. And not, actually, In his hand.
We do hear this voice in your mind, almost like it's coming from somebody on the other side of that door, and then you hear another voice saying out loud the same phrase, What the fuck? As they have no eyes, no legs, slump down into the room, and then they start to fight again real quick, but they're also kind of like, you hear one person in the background in the middle of the fight go, No, but like, what the fuck? And it's clearly distraught. I will also just say, is anyone grabbing this body? Yeah, actually.
Suddenly, the rope starts to go. It's like something's caught.
Yeah, yeah. Hold my hip, boys.
Like some kind of animal has got his body right now. Oh, no.
I i'm just gonna roll an attack to see how bad you're getting hit he has advantage because he's unconscious um erlich at the top of your sheet what is your armor 15 that's gonna be enough just barely erlich i'm sorry to say you're getting hurt oh i didn't want that to happen today that was not that was not my intention it was a melee attack something is chewing on his body Can I pull it back? Can I pull it back? You can roll with advantage But you've got to beat Something's fighting you on this You've got to beat with a plus 4 Actually a 15 in all Do I have advantage? You have advantage. You have a plus seven.
Okay.

Seventeen!

Amazing. I'm the best fish.

Just roll one more time. Make sure you didn't get a crit because you do have advantage.

Thirteen. So you

succeed. You're going to pull the rope

through. I'd like you to just roll one more d20

as long as you don't get a one or

a two.

No!

You pull the rope and then all of a sudden it hits the sphincter door. It stops.
You pull again. You yank.
There's a snap. Oh no.
And the rope comes through. There's no Ehrlich? No Ehrlich.
I'll probably be okay. That is your turn, Norm.
I'm gonna roll the enemies into initiative. Norm, they're going right after your turn.
It sounds like some sort of hell beast or something. It's trying to tear apart his body.
It's the worst kind of beast. Wait, wait, wait.
Tim, doesn't he still have his leg crossed, bro? He does. Actually, did you keep it his back, or when you dragged it along, did you let him off?

I got to come clean, boys.

I have it in my pack.

Yeah, I was trying to help.

We got the light crossbow.

We got the light crossbow.

Absolutely, we saved it 100%.

Lola is going to dive to try to slip through.

Ehrlich, I will let you roll for Lola,

but she's got to get a really good roll

to come and try to save you at all. Only real one we got.
Fifteen. Fifteen on the dice, is that right? Exactly.
It is, yes. That is, with a plus five.
Exactly enough. She squeezes through the sphincter.
I don't really want to be alive. She pops through on the other.
Did you not want her to do that? No, he doesn't want to be alive. Oh alive i don't want to be here anymore she slips through and we hear her saying something in infernal i don't think anybody else here speaks infernal unfortunately so we don't know what she's saying but now we're gonna see if she's convinced nope the beast that is trying to attack you is not been convinced by lola to stop i am sorry to say it is now going to take one final attack against you.
And if I get a 10 or higher on one of these, Ehrlich is dead with a nine being the higher of the two roles. The dog is thrashing your body around, but doesn't manage to kill you just yet.
Ehrlich, you're hanging on at least until you're, I don't know long you're going to last, actually, but you are alive still right now. And that is the creatures going on that initiative count.
Wayne, we are up to you. The door is still not open.
What would you like to do? Is it cracked open at all? There's an opening about this big. If you put your eye up to it, you should be able to see through that door.
It's a kind of brownish. Like a conjunctivitis, yeah.

Okay, so

what do we do with Hank's body?

Or sorry, Ehrlich's body.

He's still alive. He's still alive and he's on the

other side of the sphinxure door now.

If you open it, I'll heal him. Really? You can't lose him, man.

I love that fucker.

Or what's left of him.

Could I disguise

myself? Is that one of the things that I can do? Yes, you can. You not only can disguise yourself, you have a spell to disguise yourself.
You have the spell Disguise Self, and when you cast that, you can look like anybody you want. You could look like somebody specific or just like regular normal human dude or something like that.
Could I look like Ehrlich? Yes, you could. Or just his legs.
No legs. It's hard because you would

kind of have to get down on your knees in order to be

able to create this illusion, but yes

you can, 100%. Didn't we get a vision

of the main guy, the guy

flying the ship? Yes, we know what

the Mind Flayer looks like. We know that he

has a squid-like head with

two black eyes and then four

tentacles hanging down where his mouth is.

We think he wraps those around people's

skulls and slurps

their brains out. I bet he's on the other side of that door.

That would't work. You don't think so? No, he'd know.
Yeah. If I disguise myself like Ehrlich, and then could I tie myself up on a rope and throw myself in there and try to grab Ehrlich and bring his corpse back? You could definitely do that.
I'm not sure if there's an advantage to looking like Ehrlich for that, but you definitely could do that. To fit through the door.
It doesn't actually make you smaller. It just makes you look like somebody else.
Once people reach out and touch you, they're like, something's wrong here. It's an illusion.
We gotta kill this squid guy, right? The guy that's on the other side. I think you might have the spell reduce which shrinks you down.

Ant-Man. Ant-Man

style. No, it doesn't shrink you down to teeny tiny

size, but it does shrink you down to half

size and that would make it much easier

for you to squeeze through the hole. Why don't we just open

the door? He's smaller than Erlich. Yeah, we could just open the door.

You just want to open the door and fuck him up? I mean, you could just

think open to the door, yeah. I want to open up

the door and kill everything that's on the other side of that door. Absolutely.
Every single thing. Is Ehrlich on the other side of that door? Yes.
Yeah, he is. Yeah, I guess besides him.
Damn it. I guess.
We've got to save him. That's my brother.
Okay, let's open up the door. Absolutely.
And let's all rage. You think open to to the door.
The sphincter slurps open, and you see the helm of the ship. There are creatures fighting in here.
One of them is a big dark angel with black wings who seems to be wearing some sort of crown on her head. And there is a mind flayer with tentacles hanging down, in the air trying to blast this dark angel with psychic attacks he turns to you and he looks and sees wayne that's what you look like and he thinks a thought into your mind thrall come to my aid now get to the front of the Ship, activate the engine.
We must get out of here now. I will keep this fiend at bay.
Go ahead and roll just to see if you can figure out what's going on here. Why he seems to be treating you like an ally.
What's your insight skill? You don't have insight, unfortunately, with that five. You don't know why he just called you Thrall.
Okay. Treating you like a friend.
I feel like a good move would be to take over, control the ship and fly it. Right.
Right? I can fly. Yeah, you can.
I'm a pilot. Yes.
I want to do that. Absolutely.
I want to get behind on the sticks. You run past the Mind Flayer and this devil that are fighting.
You jump over Ehrlich's body to do that. And as you run, Ehrlich's body has next to it

this big hellhound of some kind

that is just tearing him apart right now.

Do you do anything to that hellhound?

No.

Head it, boop it, boop it, boop it.

Absolutely, 100%.

You do the boop, make an animal handling check.

A little bonus action right there.

I think I have bonus on...

You have handle animal plus one on this.

Awesome.

So I just want to say, he's a good boy. He's a good boy.
100%. With a 16 plus one is a 17.
You go boop, and at first he's like growling at you. You go boop, and he goes he crosses his eyes, looks at his nose, and goes and then he goes back to mauling Ehrlich's body instead of chasing you.
He had dropped Ehrlich's body to chase you, and then instead after you boop him he goes back to mauling Ehrlich. And then you are able to run past.
You're getting toward the front of the ship. I would like you to roll to see if you can make it all the way there without anyone trying to stop you.
Okay, that's with your... You have at least a plus two.
That's a 15. That is enough.
You are getting to the console, and what you are seeing is some sort of weird brain-like mass with tentacles sticking out of it. The mind player says into your mind, activate the engine.
You have no idea how the fuck to do that. He's expecting you to be able to for some reason.
I just know how to fly. I don't know how to take off and land.
Exactly. If you want to try to operate this, you can roll an arcana check.
I must emphasize, out the front view screen, like there's a big windshield here, you can see where we are. Somehow this ship has ended up in the nine hells, and there are devils all around this ship.
The mind is like, we got to get out of here. You can try to pilot the ship with an Arcana check.
Okay, is there an ejection seat anywhere in this thing? It would be an Arcana check to even understand this. If you roll well enough, you'll get options on what you can do here.
You don't see an ejection seat. All right.
Seven plus Arcana. You can do one thing here, but you cannot activate the engine, whatever he means by that.
But if you wanted to, I'd say with an 11,

you have found an ejection seat button.

Okay.

So the rational thought here would be to eject the mind flare.

That would make perfect sense.

I also want to save my boy Ehrlich.

Could we put Ehrlich onto the ejection seat and then shoot him into space?

Hold on.

Okay, but that dog, we like that dog. He's a good dog.
He's a good dog. He's a good boy.
He's hungry. He wagged his tail.
Okay, so what are my options again? I can do one action. You can do one thing with this console.
It can't be activating the engine. That's too complicated.
You haven't figured out how to do it. But you can do one thing here, and if what you want to do is eject this, there's like a big jellyfish that you think the mine player would normally sit down on.
It's like a big beanbag chair. You think that that will launch out of the ship if you press this weird bulbous knob sticking out.
What if I just pull back real hard on the controls and then make everybody fall down? Oh, yes, you could do that, 100%. There is a joystick, a fleshy joystick of some kind, and if you pull you pull back on that this ship will go straight up and everybody in here will have to make a saving throw not to fall over really good with the fleshy joystick absolutely you grab the fleshy joystick you pull back on it immediately i'm going to ask you to roll first and you have advantage because you know this is coming to not fall over okay so far so good roll one more time just to make sure it's a crit you You can't talk.
Absolutely, you'll take the 12. That's enough that you're just holding on to the joystick right now.
Well done. For anyone listening.
Ehrlich, just as an unconscious body, please roll me a d20 to see how far you go flying. Ten.
Ten is enough that you just kind of smack against this fleshy wall and don't take any damage. You take like, no, no damage.
You're not. If you took any damage, you'd be dead.
You don't take any damage, luckily. And then I would like everybody else, Norm, Cake, and Greg, to make saving throws, please.
And then I'll roll for the enemies. So I'm trying to knock, like, the enemies over.
I don't know if they're in the room yet, right? They are. So everybody in this ship is going to have to make a saving throw right now.
The Intellect of Hours, the Mind Flayer, and that Dark Angel.

All right, so I'm making a saving throw.

What did you guys get?

12.

12 is not quite enough for the paladin.

You're knocked over.

13 is not enough.

No, actually, you have a plus three on this.

That's a 15 or higher.

You do not fall over a cake.

18?

That's an 18.

That is a cock to die. You tried.
That's a cake. 18? That's an 18.
That is a cock to die.

Oh, you tried.

That's a 13, and you have advantage.

Roll one more time.

That's already enough, but let's see if you crit.

If you crit, you'll catch somebody else.

That's a 15.

That is going to be enough.

Can I catch Greg?

You didn't get a 20.

Actually, yes, you did.

So you can catch Greg, that means.

Thank you. So we're all safe, and then I'm going to roll for the enemies.
First, I'll just roll. He's on the wall.
Ehrlich splatted against the wall. Yep.
And the Intellect of Hours, I'll roll for each of them. The injured one gets splatted against the wall.
Nice. Instantly killed.
The injured Intellect of Hours is dead. Next Intellect of Hours is just kind of getting knocked around.
There's one intellect devour left. And then the mind flayer is going to roll.
He falls over and takes damage. The mind flayer is getting two and one, just three points of damage on the mind flayer.
And then, thank you so much, the dark angel is also going to fall over. And he is going to take nine points of damage.
Or she is going to take nine points of damage. And Angel is going to take, boom, nine points of damage.
Neither of them seems like they're halfway dead. But they are prone on the ground, kind of tangled up with each other right now.
They certainly can't come after you. The Dark Angel is looking at you like, I should go after you before you can do anything else.
The Mind Flayer turns to you and your mind is like, could you steer straight, please, right now? And he seems to think that you should be obeying his commands, though you don't. And that is going to bring us from your turn then, Wayne, to the Intellect Devourers next.
And the Intellect Devourers are going to try to, the one one intellect devourer left is going to, hmm, I could see them going after Ehrlich, but let's roll for it. Nope.
Okay, one, two, three. Wayne, the intellect devourer who is still alive goes lunging at you.
I'm going to need you to make an intelligence saving throw, please, as suddenly you feel this weird connection. Amazing! They try to get inside your head to do something to your head like they're trying to seize control.
Does not work. Well done.
That is going to bring us from Wayne. All you would know you had done your bonus action to the hellhound.
Then you ran up and it was your action to control. It was a great.
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So he put you right. I'm in your arms? Yeah, you're in my arms.
Does it take an action to kiss him on the cheek? Yes. No, no, that's a free action.
Okay, I'll do that. Thank you.
But while I'm doing that, I want to reach into his pocket and take the eyeball. Oh, the stone.
Because of the kiss, you're going to have advantage on this. Go ahead and roll two times.
You don't have a great... 15.

I forgot about the stone.

Two.

Two.

So a 15, you have a minus one on sleight of hand.

Maybe a plus zero.

Do I still have the Bard's Blessing from here?

Yes, you do.

Don't mind if I do.

You can roll a d8 now and add whatever you get on this to your roll.

A four.

A four.

Okay.

Plus the...

You had rolled a 15.

I'm sorry. eight now and add whatever you get on this to your roll.
A four. A four? Okay.
Plus the, you had rolled a 15. Plus four is a 19.
Minus one is 18. That is still enough to beat his roll.
You take the stone out of his pocket and suddenly you hear a voice in your mind say, a powerful hand has touched the stone. Do you wish to make a deal with me? You can roll a knowledge check to see if you know whose voice this is.
A one. You have no idea who this voice is.
Could be a mind flayer, could be your tadpole. There's lots of voices speaking in our minds right now.
You don't know. But they are asking if you want to make a deal.
And suddenly you see Will, who's been hanging out in the back, kind of turn in our direction. He's hesitating.
And he's looking at you like he knows the voice is speaking to you at the moment. This is too much for me.
I want to throw it out of the ship. Absolutely.
As you go to throw it out of the ship, Will goes, no. And he jumps for it.
Go ahead and roll me a d20 real quick. A seven.
A seven is still enough with a plus five on like an unarmed or improvised throw. You throw it through the hole in the wall, out of the ship.
Will jumps, no, and jumps out of the ship into hell. Oh, fuck, I thought we were in the sky.
Sorry, Will. It's like Bollum when he catches the ring as he's falling down to Mount Doom.
He gets the stone like, yes! And suddenly you see wings start to grow out of his back, and then you hear a cackling voice that you're pretty sure he can hear. The wings go away, and he plummets down.
Did he make the catch? He did make the catch. Oh, cool.
You know what? Are you sure? Roll a d20 for him, Greg. This is for Will's roll.
An 18. 18 is enough.
He catches the stone and then he begins to plummet down into the nine hells of burning fire below and he disappears out of sight. Well done.
He has left the ship. The stone eye is out of the ship.
That was all just a bonus action for you. Is there anything else you want to do with an action?

I would like to heal.

Yes, you can! 100%. If you use up 14 points of healing

that brings you back up to full

you only have one point of healing

left. Now what I always give paladins

the opportunity to do is normally you can only heal

one person, but if you wanted to

I would let you give those 14 points

to yourself and then reach out give those 14 points to yourself

and then reach out and touch somebody else to give them just one point of healing.

Is there anyone you wanted to give one point of healing to?

Anybody want it?

We're all pretty healthy.

I take it.

I take it.

I'm holding you.

Yeah, I guess he's already touching me.

I'll give him one point.

Absolutely.

You give Norm one point of healing.

No, Norm was at full hit points.

If you give him one hit point, then he'd feel like a well fed. Because he just likes it.
Yeah. It feels good.
Yeah. And it would make him feel good.
Thank you. Yeah, I'll do it.
Good use of that. Overly healed.
Absolutely. 100%.
Absolutely. In fact, I'll give you, you're at 60 out of 59 right there.
Wow. Look at that.
You're over 59 hip points. That's fucking huge.
Listen, brother. We're going to make it through this.
All of us. Absolutely.
He's not even he's not even a bard and you feel inspired. Real good.
Absolutely. And that'll bring us from Greg's turn to cake's turn.
Now cake, two things I want to point out. Number one, you automatically know what Wayne is doing up there with his arcana skill.
He's great at arcana, but there is one person here better at arcana. It's you.
Also, this is when the tadpole into your mind speaks and says something that nobody else has said. It has said to access my power.
You can use it better than anyone else here. I could give you the power to mind control everyone on your team if you wanted to.
Yes. That'd be turning my back on all of them.
But wouldn't it make you better than them? Screw it, this is fake. This is fantasy life.
This is D&D world. What do you mean, D&D? It's different than the real world.
I don't feel bad. No, we're actually on an adventure right now.
This is real. The fuck is D&D? This is as real as it gets.
I'm confused. Yeah.
And I'm angered. No one would know.
That's the thing. The Patapal is even telling you this.
Your spells require a movement of hands and magic words. They know when you cast spells on them.
But a psionic attack like this, they would never know until it's too late. All right, let's do it.
Absolutely. I would like you to roll a wisdom saving throw to access this tadpole's full power.
He's giving you advantage on this. Roll two times.
18. 18 is already.
Roll one more time just to see if you crit. It's already enough to do this against everybody here, though.
Crit walk. Might be cocked, but it's either a 9 or 11.
Moot point, then. We will ignore that.
You are taking the 18 plus 7. Is it 25? He gives you the chance to cast Dominate Person as a silent psionic attack on every one of your teammates.
We said we weren't going to turn on each other. Yeah, what the fuck is this? Four individuals.
I thought words meant something. This is bullshit.
So what's the plan now, Tim? Would you like to use mind control upon them? The illithid tadpole, the mind flayer tadpole, is in your mind giving you the power of the mind flayer's dominate person spell. Yes.
You want to do that? Absolutely. I'm going to need everybody who, and are you, there's four people you can get.
Ehrlich is unconscious. The only way.
You can't really control someone's mind if it's unconscious. He says, you can control his mind, but only if I prod the tadpole in his head to wake him up.
Would you like me to do that? Yeah. Absolutely.
When you do that, immediately that tadpole tries to wake you up, Ehrlich. Roll me a d20 to see if your tadpole is able to wake you up.
Four. You roll like a bitch.
Or it is not able to wake you up, I'm sorry to say. The tadpole kind of reverberates in his head trying to wake him up, but does not manage to.
And the three people who are conscious, who you're trying to mind control, go ahead and I need each of you to roll a wisdom saving throw. This is just a d20 roll.

You've already used your Art of Inspiration.

17 is enough.

Yeah, get the fuck out of here, Jake.

Cake.

That is... Cocked.

You know what?

It looks cocked to me.

Roll it right here.

It looks cocked.

11 plus...

Actually, let's see. Do I see a wisdom-based skill here? Uh, bu-bu-bu-bu-pum.
I think you have a plus two on wisdom, but you are not trained at this saving throw, I think. I don't think that is enough, Wayne.
Wayne, you are under Cake's control. And how did you do, Greg? 11.
11 is actually for a paladin just enough.

Oh, I'm going to kill him.

Or on this, a 15 does the trick.

So right now, the only person you have control over is Wayne.

You can give him orders to do something.

What would you like?

And he's right at the console.

You could run up to him and just tell him,

help me with this.

And he would give you advantage on doing something with the console if you wanted. Technically, you've used your bonus action so far.
You've not used your action yet. Or sorry, you've used your action, but it would be a bonus action for you to run up and try to do something with the console.
And you could get his help, or you could tell him to do something else with your bonus action. I'd like to say, Wayne, can I be your co-pilot steering the ship? Oh, that's nice.
You could have just asked me that. I have to take over my brain.
Absolutely. That was a pretty decent question to ask.
You command him to do that, or do you just let him do as he wishes? I'll do it. Absolutely.
You're commanding him? Yeah, I'm commanding him. Absolutely.
You are forced to be his co-pilot? Left hand up. And now are you running up and trying to control the ship in some capacity? Yes.
Absolutely. So run up and Wayne is giving you advantage on this.
Roll two arcana checks. You have advantage on it.
Is that 20? Yes, D20. You have a plus seven.
11. 14.
14 plus seven is a 21. If you wish, you think that this engine isn't just an engine to go up or down or left or right.
It's an engine to go through the dimensions. You could go to another world if you wanted.
Your choices are stay in hell and pilot around here or go to a different plane of existence, such as you could go back to our world and then you'd have a big nautiloid ship in our world. You could also go to one of the elemental planes, like the plane of fire or the plane of air or something.
Or you could go to other dimensions, like heaven is actually a dimension. Heaven sounds like a great place to be.
There's actually several heavens. So if you're interested in heavens, I'll give you a menu if you want.
Which one has the thousand virgins? Let's see. That would probably be Ysgard, the plane where warriors are rewarded.
I mean, we could just crash the plane into the ground and go there. They're great battles.
It sounds like something that's happened before. Let's all go to heaven together.
Somebody else's brain and has them crash a plane into heaven. See, they thought I was turning on them, but I'm bringing them all to heaven, so I'm doing them a favor.
So you could either go to warrior heaven, that's Ysgard, you could go to animal heaven, that's the beast lands, you could go to elf heaven, you could go to dwarf heaven, you could go to any of the different heavens that you want. There are dogs in animal heaven.
There's every kind of animal. As long as I bring my Zyrtec, we can go to animal heaven.
Does he have his Zyrtec? Absolutely. Go to the beast lands.
Is that right? Okay. You're taking us to the beast lands, man.
Yeah. You want to see dogs? Absolutely.
Well, actually, that's kind of... What are the other heavens? Warrior heaven, beast heaven.
There's like the lawful good heaven, which is like kind of more traditional heaven. And there's elven heaven, which is a tree-filled heaven.
Which one has chicks? Let's see. That would probably be Elysium, the neutral good heaven.
It's like everybody's just having an orgasm concept. Oh, okay, yeah, we gotta go there.
It's really good. Absolutely.
Are you allergic to cum? Do you need your Zyrtec? Just for dogs. You're taking us to Elysium, is that right? Roll me one Arcana check.
Just see if you know what the concern is about going to Elysium. Cock die.
Okay. 19.
19. Nice.
See? Helping the boys out. I'm like a wingman.
Anybody who goes to Elysium, it's so perfect there that actually of all the planes you know, it's the one place where you can pretty much be guaranteed we're not going to run into any danger. The one danger is that you love it so much in Elysium.
You have to make a saving throw or else you don't want to leave. If you're unconscious, can you have that orgasm feeling? You cannot.
No, you'd be really missing out on the best experience possible. When we chop the legs, how high do we chop? Such a good question.
Because it came through one swipe, so I don't know if he has a cock. I'm going to ask Norm.
Did you chop, like, from the thighs down? No, his cock's gone. Okay, yeah, 100%.
Seems like he just got it. All right, so he can't orgasm, but, like, we made a truce before.
I want my boys to be cool with everything, so could we maybe play looky cookie with him? Would his orgasm on him? Yeah, you certainly could. All right, cool.
Yeah, absolutely. Can we heal him so he only has balls? You could try, yeah, 100%.
Actually, you have that one point of healing left, right? Yeah, I would like to give that to him. I think I'm going to give him one ball.
I'm going to give him one ball. Yeah, he's got all ball, 100%.
I'll say automatic. You've done that.
Thank you. Now, if you give him one ball, he might wake up, though.
Do you want him to wake up, or do you want him to just be unconscious with one ball? Do you want him to be awake with one ball, or unconscious with one ball? I think it's better if he's awake. Let's wake the boy up.
Absolutely. Then you're giving him one point of healing.
You wake up, Ehrlich, with no legs, no eyes, and you can feel that you have a single ball. And you're taking us to Elysium right now, Cake.
I would like you to, first of all, first of all, you kind of reach out, and there's these two tentacles. You know what you need to do.
You take two of them. They're almost like Venus flytrap things a little bit, and you bring them towards each other, and they link together, and you strum it like a guitar string once.
And as it reverberates, the reverberation goes through the whole ship. This dimensional rift opens up in front of the ship, and we hurtle through it into just this beautiful golden field.
It's the field from the beginning of Gladiator. Remember, he said you'll meet me in Elysium.
You see this beautiful golden field down below and you see this beautiful, the most beautiful sunrise you have ever seen in your life. And suddenly, Cake, you feel, uh, please roll me a wisdom saving throw.
We're playing tennis? Yeah. Everyone is gonna need to make a wisdom saving throw, and anyone who fails their wisdom saving throw does not ever want to leave Elysium.
You can make the choice, Wayne. Though, if he commands you to, you will stay.
Seven, you don't want to leave Norm. That's fine.
Sounds fucking awesome. Two, who got a two? Two.
Cake, you don't want to leave, and you're the one piloting the ship. Okay, that's fine.
16. 16 is enough.
As a paladin, you're used to fighting off temptation and stuff. You have control right now.
15. 15.
Ehrlich, you also just barely have control. But right now, you're the one piloting the ship.
Cake, are you letting anyone else? I guess, let me pause you there. Ehrlich, what would you like to do right now? You have a hit point, a ball, no legs, no eyes.
No crossbow. No crossbow.
You feel for your crossbow on your back? It's gone. His wand is gone too.
Your wand is gone too. Your needler's gone.
I would like to take a light crossbow, shoot it straight up in the air, and just let it come down through my brain. You go to reach for your light crossbow to kill yourself, you have no crossbow, and you must scream.
You cannot even find your light crossbow to kill yourself with. It's like that one music video from Metallica.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.
I have no mouth and I must scream. Like, you want to kill yourself and you cannot kill yourself.
Bingo. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow.
Yep. I would like to create a minor illusion.
You can do that? Dude, dude. There's adults everywhere.
Now, now, I'll be generous about this. What illusion do you want to do? I would like the person that Big Cat thinks he's orgasming him with looks like a woman, but it's actually a dude.
Okay, so this beautiful female angel comes swooping in, and this angel wants to have sex with you right now, Big Cat. Are you down for that? Yeah.
All right. Then I'm going to roll.
Perfect. Yeah.
The angel bends over. Okay.
Do you have sex with the angel? Oh, yeah. Awesome.
Hot. Awesome.
So hot. Do you keep the illusion going the whole time? Immediately after.
Absolutely. Immediately after.
You finish up. Yeah.
And then suddenly you look down. You drop the illusion.
This dude angel looks back at you and says, that was great. And I'm like, yeah, no shit, bro.
Absolutely, 100%. And because you failed your saving throw against Elysium, you're down for this again.
You're having a great time. More angels start showing up.
You just get into an angel pile. You're having a blast right now.
Hank's big fucking move was to make me gay like it's a bad thing. Absolutely.
Disgusting. You fucked an angel, dude.
Yeah. I don't give angels an angel.
You also notice the angels just start swapping. They just change their physical form whenever they want.
They're just changing. Love it.
Like, oh, you're down? And then they change to- But I still come, right? Absolutely. You do 100%.
And because you're in Elysium, the moment you come, you just want to come again.

It feels so good.

It's awesome.

Recovery time is like zero right now.

Oh, hell yes.

It's fantastic.

Shout out Blue Chew.

Absolutely.

So I guess that was your turn, but also your turn, Norm.

Wait, that was my turn?

Well, I'll say that's a bonus action.

Okay, all right.

What do you want to do with your action?

Okay.

What do we got to do?

Are we just going to hang out here? Right now, you don't you don't wanna leave All you wanna do is fuck So okay But do we have What do we have to do to complete this mission I was really curious Where we would land on this It sounds like we might fuck in Elysium For the rest of our lives I'm down to fuck in Elysium for the rest of our lives. Absolutely.
That's what Cake wants to do. And unless someone can pilot us out of here, we're going to fucking Elysium.
Not even until the day we die. For all eternity.
Sounds like we won the game. We kind of did right now.
Unless someone really wants to get it. It's kind of like, I'm curious if the paladin is like, no, I must not.
But also it's heaven. So it's not like a paladin wouldn't want to chill here.

I just feel so bad for Hank, who just has a ball but can't come.

Yeah.

I guess the last thing I would want to do is maybe if we could, like, he's awake, right?

Yes, he is.

Is his brain awake?

Yeah.

His brain is conscious, but it is like one.

Like, he can't see.

He can talk, but he can't hear.

Oh, I know.

I know.

We forgot we have to chop off his arms, too. Yeah.
Yeah, So let's just finish that. Or we just hit him in the ball.
Yeah. You know what? I'll just kick him in the ball.
Absolutely. What if you just go to kick him in the one ball? Rage kick, please.
Absolutely. Just roll me a D20 to make sure Elysium doesn't like have an impact on you, stopping you from doing this.
That is just enough that you feel this

little tingle in your mind and

an angelic voice says, aww, don't do it.

But you can ignore that voice.

Go to kick him.

17.

We'll take that 100%.

You have double advantage, but it's a move point.

You kick him in the ball.

Do you kick him so hard that he loses

his last hit point?

Yeah, why not? I want to kick him so hard that he loses his last hit point? Yeah.

Why not?

Well, and I want to kick him so hard he pukes too.

Absolutely.

Could you just real quick, Hank, roll me a d20 to see if you puke.

If you roll high, you don't.

19.

19?

You don't puke yet.

Oh, damn it.

Absolutely.

Bitch.

Technically, you get two attacks per turn.

Do you want to kick him again?

You know what?

Actually, let's do the light crossbow in the ball. Absolutely.
You fire a light crossbow into his ball. Three.
You have advantage because he's blind. Roll one more time.
Technically, you can't go reckless on this attack, but that's enough. You shoot him in the balls with a light crossbow.
He is immediately knocked out at that point. That is for sure a knockout blow right there.
You feel your one ball immediately explode. And you go.
It was your own light crossbow that was fired at your ball. 100%.
He's unconscious now, right? He is unconscious now. Probably for forever.
Can I give him a set of golf clubs that I wanted to give to him when he was conscious? Yeah, 100%. Unfortunately.
Yeah, we'll have that be the last move. Like the nicest set of golf clubs ever.

Hank, I want you to use –

Ehrlich, I want you to use these.

Have fun with them.

That was nice.

I'm dead.

You give him his unconscious body these?

Do you, like, drop them really heavily on his body

or just place it next to him?

Yeah, I drop them very heavily.

Very heavily.

Bury me with some clubs in my life.

That is enough that you take one failed death save.

You're almost dead as these clubs, boom,

fall in your body right now.

Absolutely.

Are you doing anything else to him?

Yeah, I probably should do something else to him, right?

Can I shave him?

You can.

100%.

He has a beautiful gnomish beard.

Like a sheep, yeah.

100%.

I want to shear him.

Go ahead and see.

Are you trying to make it look good?

No.

No, no.

Okay, absolutely.

Just roll.

We'll see.

Roll like a bitch still.

He's unconscious now, so you can roll one more time. You have advantage.
I mean, you shave off half of his beard, and then he's like shaking a little bit in his sleep, so you can't really get to the other half. So half of his beard is gone, the other half is still there.
Wait, so half his beard, so we're going to... Now, are you careful with that? Because that wasn't that good a dice roll.
Were you being careful, at least? Or were you just being reckless? I was trying to be super careful and not hurt him at all, so I hope I rolled good. Absolutely.
Well, you didn't roll very well. Oh, no.
So, unfortunately, you cut him a little bit while you're shaving him. That's another failed death save.
If he gets hurt one more time, actually, that was a melee weapon. Oh, no.
As you go for the shave, suddenly our Nautilus ship bumps. You look down.
You've cut Ehrlich's throat. Oh, he's bleeding out.
Way to go, Cake. Absolutely.
He's bleeding out. I brought you to heaven.
Now, Ehrlich, you bleed out at this point unless somebody helps you. And I'm sorry to say the paladin you've already used up all your healing giving him his ball back so you are out of healing magic i've been so short-sighted to be fair you could give him one of your healing spells that was lay on hands you've used up you could give him a healing spell or you could just make a medicine what's the healing spell is it called cure wounds you roll a d8 and add plus two and you give him that much healing back.
So if he got a little bit of healing back, like maybe he's alive but is in so much pain for the rest of his life while we fuck? That would probably be the case. But he could fuck.
Or you do know he's a dark warlock. You could just let him die and go to whatever fate his page is.
We madeuce we made a truce we can't let him die i roll an eight percent you would be rolling a d eight plus two and that's how many hit points he gets back i've rolled a four four plus two he gets back six hit points erlik now were you trying to prevent or control what body parts grow back yes what do you want to grow back? I want his ball to reform from the arrow. Absolutely.
Yeah, I guess that's it. That's just it.
A ball grows. And because it's six instead of one hit point, just one ball grows.
Huge. And a bunch of hair grows on it.
Oh, nice. We've got a fully intact ball right now.
What if you gave him a penis?

Juicy.

And you are ready to go, but it's not your turn yet.

And that is your action right there.

Anything with your bonus action.

Yeah, I want to pick him up and throw him.

Absolutely.

Pick him up and throw him off the ship.

No, I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that.

You should maybe get rid of his body and just leave him as a ball.

Just a ball? Just a ball. Just a ball?

Just a ball.

Just a ball?

Just a ball.

All right, I'd like to chop his body off.

Okay, I think it means you're chopping his ball off, right?

No, no, no, no.

He said it correctly.

He wants to chop his body off.

Leave the ball.

Understood.

All right, so I will ask you to please roll an attack with advantage

since he is still blind. Fucking two.
Two, but you have advantage. Roll one more time.
16. 16 is enough that you are using your daggers.
Is that right? Yeah. Absolutely.
I will say that as a simultaneous dagger attack, you are able with your bonus, you don't even need to roll the damage. You can cut him off of his ball.
Just a ball? You have his ball. No, it's him.
That's me. And you think his soul has been.
Roll me a religion check to make sure his soul gets pulled into his ball and out of his body. As you do this.
Yeah. A 19.
A 19 is enough. His soul is inside this testicle.
You can see

this little spirit

swirling around. It has Ehrlich's face

on it. Very cool.

Absolutely. And Ehrlich,

your patron, speaks into your mind and says,

I can't help you, man. I'm sorry.
You're a ball

now. I wish I could help.

And you think he could help, but he's not.

And so, Greg, well done.

That is going to bring us to Cake next.

Cake, you don't want to

leave Elysium, and you're really the one

Thank you. And you think he could help, but he's not.
And so, Greg, well done. That is going to bring us to Cake next.
Cake, you don't want to leave Elysium, and you're really the one piloting the ship. What would you like to do right now? Do they all have partners that they can pleasure themselves? More and more angels come in and just start fucking.
And all the people that are coming out of the test tubes, they're all just banging each other right now. All the characters having sex.
I don't think we should leave. No, I think we should stay.
If you guys are mad at me, I actually controlled your mind and brought you to the promised land. How do we finish this? Should you just stay? Should you put Hank's ball in one of our scrotums? Three balls for one of us? Yeah.
Do one of you want three? No, no. I think it's like joint custody.
We'll just teach. We'll share.
On the weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely. We each have two and a quarter balls.
Oh, actually, you know what? What we could do, we could finish with, we failed once before, but maybe we make a leash for the ball? You could, 100%. I'd say if you spend time in Elysium just working on that, you automatically make a leash.
Okay, great. Around the ball.
And it can kind of roll around on its own. It's kind of like Mr.
Potato Head a little bit, and like he's on a leash. Ehrlich, I'm going to give you one chance here.
Roll me a D20. And if you get a 20, then what's going to happen is you are going, your patron is going to say, you won the, what's the ball game again that Hank won recently? The lottery ball.
Your patron is going to say you won the lottery ball, and he's going to give you... I have.
What was the number you rolled again? Was it 42? Is that confirmed, Jake? Max is a bitch. Well, we told him.
We welcomed him to the winner's circle, but he denied it. So you haven't won.
You can't even talk right now. You're a ball.
A real hairy one, too. Hank, I believe you won on a 42 on the lottery ball.
Was that right?

52.

My bad.

So if you get a 20 on this die right now, your patron is going to pull your soul out of this ball,

bring you down to hell and give you 52 hot devil women to fuck.

And he's like,

I'll get you out of Elysium,

but you have to come to hell and only fuck devil woman who are pretty crazy.

They're bad people. I don't know how much you would want that.
20. No.
Five with a five. He goes, ah, man, I really tried.
Sorry. Best of luck being a ball in Elysium.
And I imagine months later, our nautiloid ship is just still floating through Elysium. But now it has like party lights coming out of it and stuff.
There's music thumping inside of our Nautiloid, and we are just nonstop orgy fucking. Oh, hell yes! All of us.
And it's like everything our mind can imagine? Every pleasure you can imagine is offered to you. And every girl we can imagine? Every girl, all your favorite foods, everything you've ever desired is in Elysium.
Is there NFL on?

Yeah, 100%.

And every game is like exactly as exciting as you want.

Oh, every over it?

Every game is like going into like the most exciting moments.

And then as soon as it gets boring, like the channel just changes to like a new, more exciting game kind of.

It's always the Super Bowl every day. Oh, that's fucking awesome.
That's how intense it is. Congratulations, everyone.
Thank you. Great job.
As far as I'm concerned. Incredible job.
Love it. Any last words about how that went for you? It's always a blast playing this game.
Absolutely, 100%. Well, Tim, you're the absolute best, Tim.
Thank you.

We love having you.

We're going to do it again this summer, so thank you.

Absolutely.

It's a pleasure to be out here for the first time, guys.

Thank you.

Thank you, Tim.

Yes.

Okay.

That's the show.

We had a ball.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

All right, numbers, boys.

18.

40.

41.

23. 18.
40. 21.

23.

41.

77.

I feel like we've gotten that a bunch.

How many times?

Love you guys.

Third time.

Third time.

Which is the most in the new era.

Love you guys. I'll be coming for your love, okay? Needless to say, I'll hold your head, I'll be so let us wait,

I'll never learn,

life is okay.

Say after me,

thanks for that,

it should be safe and sorry.

Say after me,

thanks for that,

it should be safe and sorry. Say,

say,

say,

say,

say,

say,

say,