Kansas State And Gonzaga Win In Thrillers, Comedian Ari Shaffir + Fyre Fest Of The Week

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I mean, where else can you pair wall-to-wall hoops with hard-to-find whiskey? Only at Twin Peaks, the number one sports bar. On today's part of my take, we have March Madness.
Great Sweet 16 games. We also have an awesome interview with comedian Ari Shafir.
Very, very funny guy. Go buy tickets to his show tonight.
Tonight, he's performing in New York City. It was really fun to talk to him, meet him.
We have Fyre Fest of the Week, and also we're going to start the show at the end of the UCLA-Gonzaga game, so you get bonus Max being in full Eagles meltdown with how this game is going. Ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working? Nah, neither has Ariat.
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let's go. Lots of work to be done.
No place to hang out or wash in. And then I can't blame all on the sun.
Oh, no. We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
And then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
And then we'll take it higher. Welcome to Part of My Take, presented by Barstool Sports.
But we should also let everyone know Max is doing silent theater right now. We were watching the last three minutes of UCLA Gonzaga.
UCLA forgot how to play basketball, and Max is losing his goddamn mind. They haven't made a shot in 10 minutes.
Yeah. This is ridiculous.
Max, they look so good in the first half. They're not even fucking close to making a shot.
They're just passing back and forth to each other and just say, no, you shoot it. No, you shoot it.
And then they just take a little fucking floater and it hits the front rim every fucking time. Timmy is just eating your lunch right now.
Drew Timmy has become a fucking assassin. Drew Timmy is the best fucking player on the planet.
Every single time he wants to score, he scores. He did just miss that free throw? Yeah, so for people who obviously follow the show, they know for anyone who doesn't, hasn't kept up with Max's wild world of wagers and is all spawning from the Super Bowl bet, I gave him $1,500 on my UCLA future, so he'd be standing to win like 12 grand, 11 grand.

So he is living and dying with the Bruins, who he picked,

and everyone gets hurt when he picks a team.

And they were looking like the best team in the world the first half.

Yeah, the best team in the world.

I was already thinking about UConn.

I wanted UConn bad.

Yeah, because you hate UConn.

Here's a three.

Another brick. Surprise, surprise.
The over's not going to hit either. This is brutal.
This is bad. This is really bad.
I felt so good about this in the first half and then just utter shit. They've played like dog shit the second half, Max.
Five for 24 in the second half. They're also getting doubled up on rebounds.
It's like 46 to 24. It's bad.
This is a bad moment for the podcast. Yeah, so we did watch an incredible, incredible Sweet 16 game.
Game over. Turn the TV on.
Game over. Gonzaga just hit a 3 to go up 10.
This has been an insane second half. Drew Timmy has 36 points on 24 shots.
He has just dominated this game. UCLA stopped playing basketball, basically, for the last 10 minutes.
It's 39-16 in the second half. That's insane.
It's ugly. But let's not let this overshadow the real story of the day.
My guy, Marquise Noel. Incredible.
Short King holding it down for 5'8 guys everywhere. 5'7".
5'8". Marquise? Yeah.
No, he's 5'8". He said he's 5'7 on a good day.
I heard he was 5'8". Yeah, I was reading an article that he was saying himself he's 5'7".
But that even makes him better. If he's 5'7", I'm 5'7".
Okay, there you go. You stand with him.
Yeah, I stand. I'll shrug my shoulders a little bit, bring my neck down.
he's he's the fucking man marquise is incredible noel took over madison square garden tonight he had 20 points mr king mr new york mr new york march keese yes he had 20 points 19 assists five steals one turned ankle and he got america free chicken wings too yes so shout out because it shout out because it was the first overtime game of the entire tournament. Which is crazy.
America gets six free chicken wings. We were due.
We were due. Well, actually, chicken wings asterisk because of the boneless ones.
But whatever. I'll take it.
I'll take it. I'm not going to look down my nose at free chicken.
He was so phenomenal. He had the ball on a string.
It was just like everywhere he went on the court, he had perfect control of the entire game. He was making passes like, yeah, assists.
Not all assists are equal because sometimes you can make an assist and a guy will hit an incredible shot. He was putting the ball in his teammates' hands like six inches from the basket.
He was making the best alley-oops, backdoor cuts. It was absolutely phenomenal.
He was almost throwing deflections off of his teammates' hands into the basket. It was incredible to watch.
It was magic. The play of the game was the fake alley-oop where he was like yelling at his coach.
Yes. And they were having an argument over what to do.
So I originally, when I saw it, I said they drew that up. Yes.
That's a great disguise play. Argue with your coach, throw an alley-oop while the defense is reacting to that and get an easy two points out of it.
I was wrong about that. So they asked Marquise and I think they also asked Tang, the coach, after the game.
And they said it was actually a discussion they were having on whether or not to go for a two for one. Yep.
And Noel saw his teammates streaking out of the corner of his eye as he was talking to his coach in one fluid motion through the alley-oop. It was perfect.
So it wasn't drawn, which is actually somehow more impressive because I was going to say, like, the ball's on Tang to run that play in that moment. That's incredible.
But the fact that Noel saw that and made it happen himself, even better. It was basically perfect basketball.
He was playing perfect basketball. He even threw in a couple, you know, I'm just going to say fuck it and try to shoot from the logo, which he's allowed.
He missed a couple of those, but that doesn't matter because he completely dominated that game. And it was a night when Michigan State was also playing phenomenal.
They were shooting the lights out. Both teams could not miss.
It was just why you love the tournament, games like that. It was truly a special game that even maybe halfway in the second half, we're like, yo, this is an awesome game to watch.
Yeah, and stay woke on the logo thing because they're making the logos bigger so you get more logo threes. But he did shoot it very far.
He did. He did a couple heat checks on those.
This is just complete vindication for many of us who have asked in the past. Is Tom Izzo overrated? Yeah.
He's not. He's not.
But he did. But we did get a little salty Tom Izzo after.
He said that they had some lucky shots. You know, mostly talking about Noel's bank shot when he basically lost the ball recovered it not luck yeah but it was a little salty from tom iso listen i'd rather be lucky than good sometimes yeah yeah so it was it was an incredible game it was a truly like one of those games that you'll remember march madness games max checking in on you this game is you declared it over i mean there's never been a game that's ever been more over than this game.
Oh, really? I knew that it was over 10 minutes ago. There's never been worse body language on a basketball team than UCLA has shown since the 10-minute mark of the second half.
Max, I love your passion, but don't get two downers. I mean, you've got, at least you've got Harper and Hoskins, right? Mm- right? I don't want to talk about that right now.
What happened? I mean... This is a bad time to be asking me about that.
I saw him go down with an injury. Did they do an MRI? Have they checked in on him? I don't know.
He's dead. The MRI said...
And it's because he couldn't field a ground ball. And people are not going to like that.

Are you injury shaming him?

No, I'm not injury shaming him, but if he fielded the ground ball cleanly,

he doesn't tear his ACL.

It sounds like you're saying he's a lightweight pussy.

I just hate UCLA so much.

Dude, you picked this team.

I know I picked them.

You could have picked Zaga.

Why didn't you pick Zaga?

Jalen Clark got hurt.

Adam Bona got hurt again.

I didn't even know that when I started watching this game.

And maybe he could have stopped Timmy once.

Would you even have accepted the money if they'd won it all?

We were talking about it.

Oh, yeah, I would have accepted it.

That would have been bullshit that you would have made money off the Eagles Super Bowl.

Twice as much.

Yeah, twice as much money as blood money for the Eagles Super Bowl loss. It's over.
You saw Max Homa in the Masters. Max Homa's gonna suck.
Oh, man. Alright, so the other games, UConn absolutely throttled Arkansas.
Like, start to finish, they looked phenomenal. UConn might be the best looking team in in the tournament so far.
Overall, start to finish every game. Well, no, yeah, the first half.
And the first half against St. Mary's, they were down.
And Iona. But, yeah, they have, in complete games, they have dominated their opponents.
Maybe Alabama. It's like Alabama, UConn, those are the two teams that you look at.
And they definitely. What is Stephen Che, like confetti quarterback? Yeah.
Yeah, Houston struggled a little. I mean, I guess if you're just going complete games, yeah, those are the three because UConn has absolutely killed their opponents.
They've come out a little slow in the first two games, but this one, it was right from the jump, and Sunogo is practicing Ramadan, so he didn't eat before the game, still dominated. Like, I'm always just amazed about that because I don't know how, like, you didn't let me eat or drink all day and then you're like, go running up and down this court? You can't have water during Ramadan? I don't think so.
Maybe water? Still. I was saying earlier, I can't podcast if I haven't eaten during the day.
I don't know how you can play a basketball game. Oh, wow.
UCLA just hit a shot. Drinking water during the hours of fasting is not permitted.
Oh. We're learning more.
I was talking Islam. Also, Marquis Noel is listed at 5'8".
We'll height check him. Yep.
We'll height check him. Then I'm 5'8".
But, I mean, yeah, that's every 5'7 guy says they're 5'8". That's not true.
I'm 5'8", and I say I'm 5'9". Yeah, that's true.
So you just round every guy under six feet rounds up. We get one inch.
You've got to give us a little bit of something. I think one inch.
I mean, it's your shoes. Yeah.
You're one inch taller than your shoes. If I'm wearing my 270s, I don't know what kind of air bubble he had on that pocket.
But, yeah, he looks 5'8 to me. Yeah.
So UConn throttled Arkansas, and then Rick Barnes choked yet again. That was a game where Tennessee felt like they were in control, and then FAU went on like a 20-4 run in the second half, and FAU's just good.
I think they've tricked a lot of people because, one, they didn't have to play Purdue. Two, they won their conference tournament, but people don't – maybe some people don't realize they would have been in the tournament regardless.
They're just a really good team. And they might have gotten a little lucky against Memphis, but we don't apologize for wins.
They're a very good team. They scare me.
I'm going to be rooting for Kansas State. That's my team now.
I think the world is. Marquise Noel, he's a transcendent player to the point where the first thing I did when the game was over, I called my dad and I was like, Dad, you watch that? Yeah, no, I texted my dad.
I was like, did you watch? It's a major get in touch with your dad moment to make sure that they saw that. So I'm pulling 100% behind Kansas State for the rest of this tournament.
But I am worried about FAU because they're a damn good team and their guards are awesome. Yes.
And obviously, we mentioned it on Monday's show, but Kansas State has the team of destiny with Keontae Johnson. So they got everything going right now.
And Willie the Wildcat. Willie the Wildcat and Bosco clapping out of rhythm.
So everything's going for them. And the lavender.
The lavender pops. Jerome Tang is awesome.
I love Jerome Tang. So, yeah, it does feel like the team, especially after Noel's performance tonight, he actually said afterwards, Jake did interview him.
He asked him how wild it was that he did this in Madison Square Garden. That wasn't a block.
That was not a blocking. That was a charge.
Max? I've already considered this game dead. Okay.
That was for sure a charge. That was absolutely a charge.
He said that was the best game he's ever played in his life. Yeah.
Pretty good time to do that. It was the best game I've ever watched in my life out of a single player.
You can point to other individual performances in the tournament, especially with hot scores that just can't be stopped, but the way that he took over the entire court was unreal. I ordered a Marquise Noel jersey, which I just realized is going to be completely, well, not really obsolete.
If you get it, maybe if they get to Houston. If they get to Houston, I'll be able to wear it while he still plays.
You know what it is? It's cross-sport analogy. Yeah, we can do those.
It was a little bit, I felt like a little bit like Messi, where when Messi has the ball on his foot and he controls it and it's on a string. That's what it felt like with Noel, where it's like even his his passes across the court, like they were trying to trap him a couple of times, but they couldn't because he can throw it.
He can hit someone from across the court in perfect stride, in perfect motion. And it was just the whole thing was beautiful to watch.
Big guy, you know me. I'm a bit of a NBA draft Nick, and I've been putting together my big board.
I've got Marquise Noel going one overall ahead of Wimbledon. Drew Timmy two? Drew Timmy's going three behind Wimbledon.
But then after that, there's a steep drop-off to the next level. I actually predict that he's going to have a 15-year career in Europe, and he's going to play for a team in every single country, basically.
Listen, I think a team will give him a shot in the NBA. He's not going to be maybe a late-round draft pick.
But if you have that – short guards obviously struggle. He's very short.
It sucks. He's a perfectly average guy.
He could absolutely be a second-team guy who comes in for a few minutes and tries to get things going. Yeah.
I mean, he's all heart. What was D.J.
Augustine's height?

See, this is the problem with NBA players.

I think it was like 5'10".

Yeah, like when you do like –

Or even like 6'1".

Like Steph Curry's 6'3", and you're like, wait, he's not short at all.

Yeah, D.J. Augustine was 5'11".

So it might – but still, I mean –

Isaiah Thomas.

Yeah.

Nate Robinson.

Yeah, you could get – still praying for him.

Remember that?

Is he – where is Nate Robinson? Shadow Realm. Isaiah Thomas was six.
Oh, the other Isaiah Thomas. Oh, yeah.
Other Isaiah Thomas. Okay.
The good one. The good one.
The one. Wait, which good one? The Celtics one.
He was 5'9". Yeah, so yeah, there you go.
He's got to be Isaiah Thomas. He's got to grow one inch and be Isaiah Thomas.
I would draft him. Slow ground.
I would honestly draft him. Yeah.
This game, where are we at, Max? Give us an update. We have momentum.
We have momentum. Okay.
Do we have a lead? We have momentum? I'd rather have a lead. How do we get momentum with three ball out of bounds? This is the exact date of the Adam Morrison game.
The Adam Morrison game I re-watched the last two minutes on YouTube, but I forgot how much of a collapse Gonzaga big guy getting the ball in the court Adam Morrison throwing to the big guy who just stood there with the ball over his head and got it stripped also the shorts it's definitely like the biggest old thing ever but like the I love the shorts I wish I wish we still rocked the long shorts long shorts great the only other thing I had uh that was outside the tournament oh yeah, Tennessee. I feel bad for Tennessee fans, but also you kind of expected it.
This is actually... We're back! 74-70 with 45 seconds left.
Max is going to have an aneurysm. I think with Johnny Fanta, we talked to him about Rick Barnes and we kind of made the excuse, like, Rick Barnes, since there are no expectations, we can't hold any losses against him this tournament.
I've reversed on that take because that was so ugly in the second half. Yes.
You got your ass kicked by FAU. It was, yeah.
They absolutely killed him. As the game went on, he kept looking more and more and more like an old retired Catholic priest.
Turns out. Just very sad.
Turns out you need to make shots to win games.

It helps if you have some players that don't base

their entire low post game

off being like a jokage brother.

Just throwing elbows into people's mouths.

Alright, here we go.

74-71, 45 seconds left.

They inbounded the ball.

What are they doing?

Why?

Max, can I tell you something that makes you feel a little better? Can I tell you something that makes you feel a little better? No? Yes. This will get my over to it.
I don't. Why would you foul there? You're down one possession.
I can't believe you fell for that. I thought you knew I was going to say that.
I don't know. I thought there was some good on good news for you Miss it I got some good news Oh Oh He missed it He missed it I didn't know it was 57% Yeah this was 5-head Oh man Max at least The Eagles are gonna get Ezekiel Elliott He was good I fucking hate Ezekiel Elliott Clip it Hank is diabolical.
Hank actually plays 17-dimensional chess.

Get this rebound.

How does that drop?

Whenever there's a slight possibility that something heartbreaking will happen to Philadelphia,

Hank becomes a genius.

Yeah.

By the way, the other story ahead.

Oh, yes.

And he scores.

So it's 75-73.

33 seconds left.

Five seconds.

Steal it.

And they're going to not steal it. They're going to have to foul again.
What are they doing? Oh, they're not fouling. They're trapping.
Time out. Okay, good D.
How about this guy who's going around saying he's Lamar's agent? Oh, yeah. That guy rules.
What's his name? Fuck. I got to look it up.
I swear to God it's not me. Although I have done many of the things that Lamar's fake agent is being accused of doing.

But I have not ever represented myself as actually working for Lamar. The NFL had to release a statement being like, hey, everyone, if this guy calls you, he's not Lamar's agent.

But there was another.

This guy's a Wheeler in New York.

Ken Francis. Yep.
So Tom Pellisaro tweeted, Ken Francis is a Florida man who most recently was pitching a home fitness invention, I'm told. He now is trying to negotiate a nine-figure contract with NFL teams who are being told they're not allowed to negotiate with him because he's not a certified agent.
I think Ken Francis is like when Donald Trump used to do the John Barron voice

where he'd call people and give quotes as his representative.

I think it's Lamar Jackson.

And he's putting on a fake mustache and calling teams, pitching Lamar's services.

I like Ken Francis.

I'm going to say it.

I know this is illegal and you shouldn't do this,

but to go from pitching a home gym invention to calling

up NFL teams being like, I'm here on behalf of Lamar Jackson, that's just great fake business

going on.

It's the most Florida man thing ever.

Yeah.

You didn't even have to read the rest of the description.

Yeah.

You just stopped it at Florida man.

And he's got, you know, he's got the Bluetooth and he's walking around.

He's got the holder for his phone.

He's just going into like a local coffee shop doing big time business, calling up NFL teams. I see him sitting down in a Starbucks and putting his feet up on a table like that's his home office.
Yeah. And he's not even wearing socks.
Like, oh, shh, please, please, please. I'm on the phone with the Colts right now.
I'm talking to Jim Irsay. This is a very important call, sir.
Chris Ballard just offered me four years for $220 million. I'm going to try to get him up.
Yeah, I'm talking to the Saints because they know that there's no such thing as the salary cap. Did you see that? Yes.
The Saints are actually, they're out of cap hell again. The Saints have been in and out of cap hell so many times in the last five years.
Every year it's like, well, nope, cap hell coming up for the Saints. The salary cap is not real.
It doesn't exist. No, it's not.
It's cap. It truly is.
Every single time anyone says anything about the cap, I'm like, well, they'll just cut a couple players and do some weird contracts, and they're good players. They'll just renegotiate and pay them more right now and not pay them more later, and they'll kick the can down the road, and they'll be fine.
Do you think there's somebody in the league office who's in charge of looking over every spreadsheet from every team and finding out who is actually violating the cap? It seems to me like the cap is just like an honor system thing. Yeah, no, they call them once a year and they're like, you good? And they're like, yeah, we're good.
We're going to be under it. It's like Elf on a Shelf.
They're like, no, we've got a guy. He's watching your transactions very, very closely.
They missed a foul shot. This is crazy.
They missed a foul shot. It's 75-73 with 25 seconds left.

It's like the threat of getting in trouble

is what keeps people from violating the cap.

What did you just whisper, Max?

What did you just whisper?

I wanted him to miss it again.

Say it again.

Hank, you can't say cut.

What did he say?

I said, miss it again, you bitch.

Oh, okay, that's fine.

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

What did you think he said?

I'm there just showing Drew Timmy's mom on the screen. I was not talking about Drew Timmy's mom.
Wanted on the record. There was no mother talk there.
When I say before the game started, Drew Timmy's foul shooting, issue. Yeah.
Highlight it. Underline it.
It's an issue. It's an issue.
Come on, Max. Come on, Max.
Come on. Come on, Max.
UCLA with the ball. Give me a hot guy.
73, 17 seconds left. Oh, my God.
A three-pointer. Up.
Come on, dude. I fucking hit it.
Yes. I fucking hit it.
No, you didn't. There's 12 seconds left, you idiot.
That's what I'm talking about. There's 12 seconds left, you idiot.
I know, but that was a great shot. Are we not excited about good shots? You got to be able to celebrate the beauty of basketball right now.
No, I'm excited about the good shot. You started screaming, I fucking did it.
No, I said I fucking love this team. Did anyone else do that? I was just too amped up.
I thought you said I fucking did it. 12 seconds left.
I don't know what I said. I don't know what I said.
Oh, man. This is going to be great, Max.
We're going to win this game. Don't say that.
What? It's my bet. I have a lot on it.
Yeah. Max, everybody in this room actually has.
Yeah. We're all in this together, but we're all counting on you.
Yes. You're the leader.
And I just want a team to get to the Final Four in Houston, and if UConn plays UCLA, I'll have that. I'm out of breath.
He's John Wooden's son. Yeah.
That was crazy. He's also like 85.
Titus did draw out an interesting thought when we were streaming. It's like UCLA has a very good history in basketball, and maybe because it's so long ago, but I don't hate them whatsoever.
I think they're cool. The teams in the 90s were awesome.
They were fun to watch. The Pyramids, yeah.
The Pyramid of Success. Kevin Love was so much fun.
And he was fat. He was fat.
The outlet passes. Russell Westbrook.
We need to make a part of my take pyramid of success. Yeah.
Losing bets. Tyus Hedney, coast to coast.
Yeah, UCLA's fun. But it's very rare that you'd have a team that can boast that many national titles.
These guys, what are they doing? They're doing a sad hug together. Have this much success and not be hated.
I'm sure USC fans hate them, but who else hates UCLA UCLA you know how we were talking about how Drew Timmy can come back and play another year Hank just made a very bad face about a woman on the screen I'm nervous she was an LA woman with maybe some plastic surgery I'm nervous Hank just threw up again for the second time this week on a Pardon My Take podcast. All right.
76-75 UCLA. 12.4 seconds left.
Gonzaga inbounds the ball. We need Jake here.
They're bringing it up. Looking like they're going to win.
Oh, they ran the play. They ran the play.
And he hit it. And he nailed it.
And he nailed it. And he nailed it.
Oh, my God. 78-76.
Tiger Campbell coast to coast. Oh, no.
He's going to miss this. Oh, he got fouled.
Oh, no, Max. Did Max say I did it? Did Max say I did it? They ran the play, Max.
That was the Villanova play. That was the Villanova play.
Oh, my God. That was using his favorite play of all time against him.
That's on you, Max. He said I did it.
I don't know if I said I did it. Is there any way that we can – I wish we had our new studio.
We could listen back to everything right away, right, Hank? Yeah, yes. Can we listen back? They ran – How long will it take for us to upload if we go to Ari Shafir and then we come back for Fyre Fest.
They ran the Philly special play

on you, Max. They ran the Philly

special on you, Max. That's crazy.

Max, you need to talk.

Don't text.

I can't believe that's my play.

Oh, he missed it.

Okay, we're still alive. We're not alive.

Damn. What a game.

UCLA and Gonzaga just only play

bangers. And that was like the end of the Morrison

game. He just gave it up.
Yeah. Do you want

Thank you. We're still alive.
We're not alive. Damn.
What a game. UCLA and Gonzaga just only play bangers.
And that was like the end of the Morrison game. They just gave it up.
Yeah. Do you want to? Do you even get a shot off? Do you miss this if you're the Zags? Yes, I think you do.
Yes. On purpose.
No timeouts. Yeah.
Yeah, no, I think you missed this on purpose. No, but they have no timeouts.
You want to tie the game. You want to leave a shot for a heartbreaking loss.
No, but with no timeouts, they have to rebound the ball. The best you can get with a no timeouts is...
But no timeouts, they still have to go full court. And the worst, the best you can do is tie.
Right, right. But if they miss this shot...
Catching a rebound, they have to turn around immediately and shoot. Yeah, the best they can do is like a 75-footer.
If they make this shot, they can maybe get like an actual three. I'll take a guarantee.
They just added a mystery .3 seconds on the clock. He made it.
Okay, Max, there's no chance he's getting this, so I don't know why we have our hopes up. Game over, UCLA.
Sad. Oh, my God.
He had an incredible look. He had an incredible look.
That was a great play. He had an incredible look.
Max, the Philly special. Max, you ruin everything.
UCLA goes down. All of us have UCLA.
You ruin everything. You know what? Here's a spin zone.
Quick spin zone for everyone. Max, this should make you feel better.
What? You hit your over? No. No.
I wouldn't do that to you twice, but I did. Overs are back.

Yeah, overs are back.

Because I, big brain, I was like, March Madness saw all the bad publicity.

I said that to you.

I was like, they're going to see all the bad publicity about shot making.

They're going to loosen up these fucking rims. The cat said that Saturday morning at like 2 in the morning.

I was like, I've been thinking a lot about this.

No, Max, the spin zone here, the silver lining is now that UCLA is eliminated, no more of their players can get injured because you've injured their entire team. I don't care about this team.
Like, this is one thing. No, you definitely don't care.
No, I really don't. Like, I don't.
I wanted them to keep winning with the potential of winning a lot of money. Like, that was fun to me.
Yeah, you would have won $12,000? I think it was 10 to 1. Oh, so you would have won $15,000.
Yeah, no, yeah, $15,000. Damn.
That's a lot of money, Max. Yeah, I would have enjoyed that.
Bought a car. Well buying a car i am buying a car car max i sold my car to hank for one dollar two years ago he's selling it to max for two dollars it's a businessman so max you know you have to now sell this car for four dollars yeah in a couple years yeah we got to see if we can get a million dollar car Hank real quick as a as a math anomaly person how long would it take for the car to be worth a million dollars if you sold it every two years for a 100 profit every two years yeah 90 years 90 years i think it'd be more i think it'd be way less than that 90 years for two would know a two dollar profit or two no double double double i think it would be way less than that.
90 years for a $2 profit?

No, double.

Double, double, double.

I think it would be... Every two years, so 45 times?

My guess off the top of my head is 20 years.

One, two, three, four.

This is terrible podcasting.

Someone talk five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

He gets using his calculator right now on his phone.

I don't know what, 12, 13, 14, 16, 17. He's just doing times two.
Two, four, six, eight, 10. 19 years? Or 19 times? Yeah, so 40 years.
That's what I meant. I meant 20 times.
I'm bad at math. Really bad at math.
Were you ever thinking about maybe selling it to him for like five grand? No. I would have been so mad.

I would have been so mad.

He was like a midnight's profit.

All right, Max, you ruined everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bad guy.

Incredible games, though. These were phenomenal.

Two incredible Sweet 16 games.

Instant classics.

Villanova's still in the NIT, though.

Nope.

Damn. Villanova's dead.
Shout out Wisconsin, the last Big Ten team playing basketball. Yeah.
That did happen. Okay.
I just want to say. I tweeted an unreleased Super Bowl picture, too.
Oh, no. It's not the bad one, isn't it? New Super Bowl picture, too.
Yeah. I just look really fat.
I had to do a live look at UCLA.

Are you going to ever put the vomit picture out?

That's a bad one.

I mean, yes, eventually.

How many more do you have?

There's a few.

Hey, save the puke one for the Celtics 76ers. You have some of the good ones.

I've got some really good ones, yeah.

Well, yeah, I don't think they'll make it past the summer.

I don't even know if I see one of these pictures.

It's like, yeah, it's burning a hole in your pocket right now.

And if you're looking at the picture, the shirt on his lap is full of puke.

Just know that.

I still wear that shirt, by the way.

Oh, my God.

I've washed it.

Bad guy.

No, I like that shirt.

But you let the puke marinate for like five days and then wash it?

No.

Oh, that's the morning after. Oh, man.
All right. Let's go to our interview with Ari Shafir, a hilarious comedian, and we have a great conversation with him.
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All right, we now welcome on very special guest. It is Ari Shafir.
He has a show on Friday, 324 Beacon Theater. Go check it out.
he's headlining the Beacon Theater you also can find him online he's got podcast Skeptic Tank he's on Joe Rogan all the time you're doing stand up everywhere you are the man what's up? thanks bud it's great to be here to finally meet you guys we were having a debate before we started whether we can fart on command i think you can it you give me a five minute window i'll fart for you all right so then just do it at some point i'll fart during this interview you have to guess when it is it might be i mean i assume it'll be when i hear a fart sound so wait is this um so it's good to have you on you are i'm sorry i was never in the n's okay. But you are one of – we love to have comedians on, especially comedians that also like sports.
Yeah. And you check that box.
I do love sports. I was a practice player for the Maryland basketball team.
Really? Maryland women's basketball team. Okay, I was going to say.
Yeah. I was like, what, are you going up against Juan Dixon? So many of you played golf in college, right? I did play golf in college.
I was, I think, the worst athlete in all of college that year. I shot a 143 in competition.
Okay. It was a small school.
It's pretty much if you got clubs, you can be on the team. 143.
Yeah. Both coaches were laughing at me.
Was that the first time you played golf? No, I played before. I was just not good.
And the pressure got there. I'm like a 120 guy.
Okay, yeah. You're talking to 120s in this room, so that's good.
I'm a 146, so I aspire to be where you're at, but did they have cuts, or was it just... No.
Because to me, that sounds like a hell of a deal. You show up, and you're like, I'm a Maryland golfer, and you get free greens fees? No, that was at Yeshiva University my first year.
Okay. I went different school near here okay we didn't have a course maryland had a course 17 bucks it was great yeah i mean i i've said it before but you you can shoot whatever you want in golf you just fill it out like i i went to uh shinnecock where they played the u.s open and i filled out a 72 and everyone was like holy shit i didn't know you were that good and i was like yeah that's yeah.
You figured it out. Yeah, it's like, I don't know why everyone stresses about their golf game when you can just put whatever score you want.
Yeah, they always come down to people like, you signed an incorrect scorecard. And you're like, no, I didn't.
Yeah. Well, yeah, I did.
I made up every hole. So yeah, I absolutely did.
I stand by it. Yeah.
But so the Beacon Theater headlining on Friday, is this like a career check mark for you?

Yeah, for sure.

I've wanted to do this for a while.

It's a big homecoming show.

I got special guests coming out.

I don't know.

It's like I'm excited.

It's a massive fucking room.

Sorry, I don't mean to curse on this podcast.

No, you can say whatever you want.

I appreciate you guys.

I don't mean to.

You can say whatever you want.

Fuck, shit.

Fuck, cunt.

Jizz.

How's that fuck coming?

Oh, shit.

I forgot about it, actually. I'll start marinating right now.
I read online, this might be something fake that somebody just wrote about you, so you can correct me if I'm wrong, that you're the Lakers' number one hater. That is true.
You hate the Lakers. Fuck the Lakers, dude.
Fuck the Lakers. I've never liked the Lakers.
Is it personal? Yeah, it's personal. I used to live in L.A.
Every time they had fucking playoff games, no one would come out. Could be up 3-0 in the first round as a one seed, and people are like, they're such fucking bandwagon fans.
Fuck all of them. And I would imagine it's gotten a little more personal after the Kobe tweet.
No, I dominated that city. They can't think of their fucking hero without thinking of me.
That's true. Fuck L.A., fuck the Lakers, fuck all of you.
Or do you get upset when people are like, oh, wasn't there a Kobe tweet guy and don't actually remember your name? Because I bet you there's a lot of people like that. Like, who is that Kobe tweet guy? Who is that guy? I'm like, I know, right? Disrespectful.
Yeah. How could you do that? Yeah.
I mean, that was a while. I mean, I do appreciate that you will say a lot of shit that a lot of people won't say.

Yeah.

And that sense of humor, especially now, really plays because you're making jokes and you're making statements and you'll stand by them.

Dude, it's so funny.

You see everyone bow down to this worry about not fitting in now.

Yeah.

I think as comedy got popular, or everybody.

And then all you got to do is stay in the pocket and still just fucking light people up yeah what the fuck was that right like you must feel like you have a superpower exactly because you're just like yeah i'll fucking make a joke about this yeah and everyone's like no you can't do that shane uh gillis says that he's my down syndrome friend and he says it the best um he uh he goes you get three four comics in a row at the comedy cellar going like you know injustice is terrible you know and then all you gotta do is come on and go injustice rules and everyone like knows you're joking and they're having a good time yeah right the uh videos that you would do the amazing racist stuff was very very funny and there was an element of that but also i did a lot of people like watch those videos and they were just like laugh at the racist jokes and not realize that like oh yeah dude you were you were making fun of that stereotype as well yeah for all the people who got mad at me thinking i was like completely serious yeah um you'd have some people being happy because i thought i was serious yeah like finally someone's saying it you got the balls to say it man thank you appreciate it yeah i was like me and my buddies were in uh vegas for the march. We would go for like opening round.
Yeah. Gamble on everything.
Women's included. Like always bet on Colgate to cover the 44 point spread.
Yeah. And some guys came up to me.
He's like, I like what you did to those N words. And I'm like, damn, dude.
But they use the word. I was like, no.
Fuck, dude. No.
You didn't get the joke. You didn't get the joke.
Yeah. I was like, oh, my God.
Yeah. I mean, we're obviously big sports fans.
What's your guys' sport? All of them. Okay.
Football. Football is mostly a football podcast.
But, yeah, I love March Madness. I mean, I love to gamble, so March Madness is the absolute best.
It's great. Anyone can win.
Yeah. A pool anyone could win.

Yeah.

We had a chick in my high school who won because it was a long time.

It was when UNLV was undefeated, headed into the tournament.

It was like 92-ish.

Yeah, Larry Johnson.

Yeah, and they kind of threw that game.

I think they threw it to make it close,

and then Duke was close enough to win.

Yeah.

But anyway, whoever picked the round that UNLV lost in got an extra 30 points. And her dog's name was Duke.
So she just picked that and won. And we're like, should we even tell her? Does she even know? It is the best.
It's also the perfect. I was thinking about it.
Why everyone in America, because college basketball has probably waned a little bit in popularity, regular season. The one and dones make it terrible.
Yeah, and every time you start talking about it, you sound like your dad where you're like, these fucking kids don't stay for four years anymore. Stop calling traveling.
I'm out. The bracket is the perfect tournament, and the way it leads up to it where everyone has a conference tournament, it's what every other sport should aspire to be, where it's like, yeah, maybe it's not the best team overall, but chaos happens, and if you get hot for six games, you win the tournament.
That's all you got to do is bring it together at the end. Yeah.
And also, they show you four versus 12, 13. Yeah, four versus 13, yeah.
Yeah, and they show you right there, so if you have no idea, you're like, I think the four is better. Yeah, four probably should be better.
It's also just this, just having one of these in your hands. The printed-out bracket, the entire page is covered two sides of a bracket.
You can get behind that even if you don't care about sports, even if you're like a math person. There's a bunch of numbers on here.
The only better thing than that is the Super Bowl box pool. Yes.
Where literally there's no knowledge involved in any way. I also that i my barber shop in uh brooklyn i've

i've probably lost i don't know like three grand the last seven years i just give it to him and i

never actually get like because i'll go get my haircut like a month later i'll get a haircut

like right before the super bowl and i probably have won it and he just doesn't tell me yeah

he's like yeah i never check in on what the numbers are he's just he knows that every person

who sits in the chair he can be like oh you want you want a box yeah of course i do

Thank you. And he just doesn't tell me.
He's like, yeah, I never check in on what the numbers are. He knows that every person who sits in the chair, he can be like, oh, you want a box?

Yeah, of course I do.

They're not going to come back and be like, what's my box?

They've got to upload that shit, dude.

It's the internet.

It's always fun to go to any sporting event and you play the 50-50 raffle, but then you leave before the raffle. So you're just basically like giving them.

Zero, 100?

Here's $200 and then I'm going to leave. And I'm just going to just gonna trust that i didn't win yeah how much different is that than bet dsi yeah yeah you're just pretty much giving them over your money i mean i'm 50 if i win the 50 50 raffle i'll be even on my life for the 50 50 raffle that's that's how bad i've i just love playing it i'm just like yeah give me more tickets give me more i went to a toledo football game this year and i must have had half the tickets because i i put i spent like a thousand

dollars on tickets and i still was not like no i wasn't even like three numbers close so i think

that shit's right someone's got to do the math on that and figure out how much would it cost to buy

all the tickets and then you at least get 50 of your money back yeah right great investment

do we know how many is how many pools you have to fill out to ensure that you will win

Thank you. and then you at least get 50% of your money back.
Yeah. Great investment.
Do we know how many pools you have to fill out to ensure that you will win? Oh, like iterations and shit? Yeah, of the NCAA. Oh, yeah, because every year Warren Buffett's like, I'll give a million dollars to anybody that gets a perfect bracket, right? That's also bullshit.
He should give a billion. Yeah.
A million is nothing. That's what he's giving his kids, right? Yeah.
A million? I'd be so mad if I was Warren Buffett's kids.

Or Bill Gates' kids.

Because Warren Buffett's like, I'm going to give away all my money because I want to raise human beings that will have to fend for themselves.

I love that idea, though.

Those kids are already ruined, though.

Right.

You think they're normal now and hard workers?

Right.

Definitely not.

But I'm okay with it if it's somebody else that's not getting the money.

But if it was me, I'd be like, Dad, that's fucked up.

You're the world's richest human. I'm not getting anything.
That's a dead dad somebody else that's not getting the money but if it was me i'd be like dad that's fucked up you're the world's richest human i'm not getting anything that's a dead dad that's our household that dad is not making it to them yeah kill him before he signs his will where you get no money yeah it's like you just you've made it me give have no choice yeah right right you you signed your own death sentence yeah jake can you look up and see how many iterations it would take to pull a perfect bracket together? Yeah, I have it here. I love using the word iterations.
Here we go. It's a good word.
It's a good word. One in nine quintillion, two hundred and twenty-three quadrillion, three hundred and seventy-two trillion, thirty-six billion, eight hundred fifty-four million, seven hundred seventy-five thousand, eight hundred and eight.
Well, that's not a real number. That's too many.
Anything over like a hundred, I stopped counting. Yeah, I Yeah, I thought it was 100, 130.
I thought it was like, yeah, I just got to fill out. I got to like two hours of bracket filling out.
I would get it. Those first two numbers, I don't even recognize it.
Quadrillion? Quadrillion. Quintillion and then quadrillion and then trillion, billion, million.
Okay, well, here's how you cut it in half. You just don't do any of the ones that have a nine through 16 seed winning at all yeah yeah now we're making progress billion if you know a little something about basketball what was villanova when that one year there were an eight right yeah okay so yeah nine below and then maybe just like have it be a one or two winning now we're just filling out a regular bracket yeah actually maybe i like kansas a little bit more get rid of virginia we just we tricked ourselves into filling out our actual opinions uva's out so now we're down to probably like two quintillion yeah why is uva out because just because they suck yeah they suck they're just not very good this year yeah uh you're you're a big yankees fan too right love the yankees this is it was they're i mean they're kind of a joke now.
It's just like, it's just I can't do it every year with the emotion. Yeah.
It's just like they should go. And then the one year that was definitely our year, we're saying it all fucking year, and then we got robbed on a fucking cheating scandal.
Yeah. Is it still like on site with the Astros for you guys? Fuck the Astros, dude.
You know, one of the greatest moments in podcast history was, I think, Rob Lowe on Rogan's

podcast wearing a Houston Asterix hat.

Yeah.

No mention of it.

Rogan didn't even know what it meant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I saw it.

It must have been like, I think it was right before he went on Rogan.

I saw him at the Super Bowl.

Yeah.

And I was like, Rob, that's fucked up that you're wearing that hat.

And he was like, because I thought it was an Astros hat. Yeah.
I was like, dude, that's fucked up that you're wearing that hat. And he was like, because I thought it was an Astros hat.

I was like, dude, that's fucked up.

You can't support that in our beloved sport.

And he takes it off.

He shows it to me.

He goes, I made this myself.

He made it himself?

Wow.

Wow.

Dude, I was at the year or two before with Giannis Papas.

We went to Houston Yankees.

I think we were down like four runs in the seventh and came back. It was wild.
The place was going nuts. But before, while we were still down, there were these Astros fans all around us.
And they were like, let's go Astros, which is bullshit to do in the Yankee Stadium and when you're up four runs. That's fucking bullshit.
But is it soft? The Yankees aren't what they used to be? Those guys should get punched. He started a Hurricane Harvey chant.
Oh, okay, all right. That's more than a punch.
Oh, yeah. They were like, come on, my grandmother lost her home.
And we just got louder and louder. Rally the troops.
Do you count the rings for people? If they come at you, you're like, well, historically, we're a better franchise. Nah, I don't like that stuff.
What about pinstriripes i love the pinstripe debate it's what do you mean like who earned their pinstripes it's my favorite debate what do you mean who are like is has did a rod earn his pinstripes oh no really not even for 2009 no he got all his numbers all his stats came in like blowout games so you could do this with everyone you you like the pinstripe debate is the best. It's amazing how they took A-Rod right back.
They won't talk to Sammy Sosa or Mark McGuire or Bonds. A-Rod's got a great publicist.
That's the difference. What about Giancarlo? Does he have his pinstripes? No, he plays shitty.
He's never lived up to it. He never lived up to that contract.
So isn't it fun to do? What about Judge? Judge got it. Yes, he's like, but what does Judge want? And then he always wants to.
He's a leader of the team. He's great.
Who's the bald white guy? Fuck. Me? His name, yeah.
Brett Gardner. Brett Gardner.
Everyone's like, Brett Gardner, Pinstripes. That's just because he hustles.
He plays the game the right way. Yeah, he's like an out of shape.
Can't really do it, but he plays hard. He's like, yeah, definitely pinstripes.
He earned them today. He's like, I hit 10 home runs this year.
Man, he's a Yankee through and through. What about Joba? Did Joba ever earn the pinstripes? Oh.
Yeah, because he was so fat. You know, he was keeping Little Italy little italy in business he was and the midge game yeah against cleveland when his face was just covered in bugs yeah yeah dude yankees rule what a great you know we do every year we get a weekday day game and we get like 10 bleacher seats and then we just head up there with like 15 comics and any if we're near kids we just move where that's open that's awesome because awesome.
Because we're going to scream horrible things. Yeah.
What about the Mets? Do you hate the Mets? Or are they just kind of like the annoying little brother? Never mind the Mets until I went to Metrodome Stadium, whatever the fuck they call it, and tried to take my shirt off like a gentleman in the summer. And these dumb fuck Nazis told me I had to put my shirt on.
How long has it been a rule? That's crazy. That's crazy.
If you go to a daytime baseball game, you should take your shirt off. You should not have your shirt on.
What the fuck, dude? That's crazy. I was scarred.
Then I went to a Wrigley. I was sat in the fucking bleachers at Wrigley.
I was like, can I take my shirt off? He goes, I don't understand the question. Yeah, yeah.
No, you can take everything off. Yeah, you can take everything off.
You can. There are no rules there.
The only rule is no fighting. Who do you guys like for baseball? Cubs.
So, yeah, I've seen tickets to the Cubs. Really? Yeah, and I did, like, I don't know.
Our schedules are crazy now, but before we all moved to New York, I had seen tickets for the Cubs, and I went. There was one season where I went to, like, 65 games.
It ruled. Wow games it ruled because it was like because they play a lot of day games and there's something about like baseball is a very hard sport to follow 162 and the ebbs and flows but when you go to like if you go to like a homestand and you're like at six out of seven games you get such a feel for like what what's going on with the team and it's so much fun I love when you show up to a game somebody boos like a home home player yeah you're just like you gotta look up his stats like has he not been here yeah you're like did you see last night yeah yeah did you start to recognize the people around you oh yeah oh yeah it becomes yeah because the bleachers you it's it's general mission so and there's people who like have their specific spots but yeah it's it's uh there's nothing better than better than a day baseball game because you're stealing time.
It's the best. Yeah.
And now the problems, they hit me up all the time. They email me like, hey, can we get you in for season tickets? The Yankees? Yeah.
I'm like, dude, I just bought one fucking game. Relax.
Relax. It's got to be so expensive to get Yankee season tickets, right? Yeah.
Forget it. Yeah.
But I'm also, I keep emailing them like, guys, I'll go when it's a nice day. Right.
I'm going to look at the weather. I'm not going in April.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. We play day games.
There's one a month per team. That's when you want to show up.
Nobody's there. Yeah.
See, you should go to Wrigley. I mean, Wrigley Cubs play it every Friday afternoon, which is the best.
That's the absolute best because that is truly your time traveling. You get to the game.
You go to the bar at like 11. You're drunk.
You go to the game. You get more drunk.
You get out of the game, and it's like a passing of the ships. All these people getting off the train from work, and you're like, I've been drunk for seven hours.
This rules. All these people with their slacks on and their briefcase, and you're just like're just like yeah i've been cheating the whole system that's great yeah and also everyone gets out it was like it's wrigleyville right yeah they're with all the bars yes it's like it's the game's not over yeah right keep going they were the last team to get to get lights set up right yeah 1988 1988 i kind of remember that playing day games it was it was a rain out it was 8 8 88 and then that got rained out.
So the official one was 8-9-88. See, I remember that.
Playing day games. It was a rain out.
It was 8888, and then that got rained out, so the official one was 8988. See, I think baseball is meant to be played in the daytime.
I think so, too. I think in October you can play it at night.
Like the World Series games, I'm down for night games then, but baseball is so much more enjoyable as a fan to watch it during the day, but unfortunately people have jobs, so they can't watch baseball all day. Isn't that a recession? Shouldn't we go back to it now? We should.
Everyone's working remote. Yeah.
I mean, daytime baseball, it's perfect. You can get a little nap in the fourth inning, wake up in time for the seventh.
Pass out drunk a little bit. Still go to dinner.
There's nothing worse though than, so Big Cat's a Cubs fan. I'm a Nats fan.
Our teams are suck this year they're gonna be really really bad and so

knowing that i have to sit through 160 games of just dog shit before the season starts there's like no chance that my team's gonna be good at all but you're all out of the start yeah still be within five games after two weeks there's always that one team that goes like 10 and 2 and then ends up losing 100 games yeah like remember that but it's so depressing to know that for the next like eight months,

I'll be rooting for player development.

For like a first year call up to be like oh that guy's performing a little bit better than i thought that he would yeah that's the highlight of my season you just gotta go to another sport yeah yeah you you mentioned uh going to a game with a bunch of comedians what i'm fascinated by like the comedian like world and what is there like a lot of infighting and clicks and everything is it i mean that's a very dumb question i assume by your reaction they're the pettiest people in the world yeah are you able to stay out of it or is it are you do you find i've been drawn in a few times but then you try not to yeah yeah what are the what are like the beefs usually over chicks yeah that's a lot of it actually no that we should get back to that that one i can understand right it's it's it's less like um it's less fair i don't know it's less not fair what's the word it's it's more lame when it's over like someone's success yeah it's way more lame and that'll happen sometimes yeah during the pandemic it was like oh you're touring fuck you oh yeah um yeah it's over chicks that's fine i get that yeah that makes sense that's every every every guy you fuck that guy's ex he's gonna punch you yeah we haven't had a good joke stealing controversy in a while right that kind of went away we need some of those well it's hard to pull off now i mean mencia was like we should probably should give him respect. He was the last goat of jokes stealing.
He really was. He really was.
He got it right at the end. The system changed around him.
And the balls on him to just be like, yeah, I'm taking everyone's shit. He would go after specific.
He was like, I'm going after Big Cat. He's got a big head now.
Let me go look at his act, find one of his favorite jokes, and steal from him specifically like he's like a cover band for comedy yeah yeah and i like i was wild yeah i know that you probably have different view on it because it like if you're in the game someone stealing jokes is the worst thing you can do yeah but from afar and now there's time pass carlos mancia like props to you dude like you you like can't believe you actually, you're a scumbag, but you did it. It's funny.
People would be like, how would you feel if, like, someone stole someone's car? You'd be like, oh, if I can get a cheap car, I'm fine. Like, I don't work in the automotive industry, so that doesn't bother me.
Yeah. I don't think anyone else should be, like, involved in this.
He took it all the way to Comedy Central. Like he got his own special based on stealing other people's jokes.

That is impressive to be able to pull that off.

Like how dumb are the people that work at Comedy Central that didn't know that about him?

Like, well, you don't have to be in comedy anymore.

Yeah.

That's true.

A lot.

Yeah.

Carlos Mencia took him down.

Dude, he had he had at some point there was like the might of Mencia and had like a few

clips up and three of the four clips were my buddy Freddy Soto's.

Really?

What the fuck?

Yeah.

He's dead now, so everybody wins.

So wait, were you part of the comedians that called him out?

Because how did it all kind of shift?

It's all way, way old, just for the record.

Right, right.

That's why I say it ruled.

In the moment, it was like, this guy fucking sucks. It was the greatest night in comedy in years.
Rogan was going after him. They were on stage.
My friend Nick Yusuf called me, and he was like, what's going on? Or I texted him. I was like, I'm coming.
He came all the way from Losefield. It took him like 30 minutes, and it was still going.
He's like, I'm getting out of my car right now. Keep me on speakerphone.
Everybody wanted to hear it wait so rogan young like women comics are like all dainty and quiet they were like they were screaming for blood so it was great rogan went up and mencia was there or uh rogan had finished this is so old this is so done by the way yeah reach out to anybody in this but rogan had finished brought up a comic who wrote for, and he said this guy writes for Mind of Menstelia. It was like a nickname.
And then Carlos was there, and he was like, oh, you won't say that shit to my face. And Joe was like, yes, I will.
What? I just didn't know you were in the room. Yeah, yeah.
This is wild. George Lopez accused him of plagiarizing 13 minutes of his material.

That's such a specific number.

I know.

Yeah, he timed it.

He has stopwatches.

It also, like, I think if I were George Lopez, I'd be a little, like, I'd be mad.

But then there would also be that feeling of, why'd you stop at that joke?

Did you not think the next one was funny?

Yeah.

Like, what the fuck, Carlos?

Yeah, when you get a joke stolen when you're, like, a young comic, there's a part of you that's, like, it's kind of an honor. Yeah, you think I'm funnier than you.
I wrote a stealable joke. Right.
Finally, I'm getting good. Right.
Yeah, exactly. Right, and if you have no jokes stolen, you're like, holy shit.
Yeah, it's like those Catholic kids who don't get raped. Yeah, yeah.
What am I, chopped liver? Yeah, yeah. You see how smooth my butt is? I got to start working out more.
Come on. Yeah.
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That's www.nobullproject.com backslash barstool for 30% off uh i think the first time i heard you was actually on the radio there was a radio station in in austin that used to just do like two minute clips of stand-up comedy back to back to back to back i thought that was the most brilliant format for a radio station of all time i love that station they're out of business now i think i think they're gone but it was just bangers only and it introduced me to so many new comics they need to bring that back they need to bring it back and it was also they let somebody curate so they'd have me in and be like pick six comics we'll find clips from them yeah and so like who do you think's funny and you just like pick a mixture of high and low levels and they'd find them and then like they they'd play that. It's a great idea.
Yeah. Who are you watching,

listening to now?

Who are your favorite comics?

I mean, it's the mixture of the old and the young.

Segura's always great.

Adrian Appaloochee.

This is a comic in New York.

She's the darkest, funniest chicken in the world.

She's great.

Shane Gillis.

I don't know, so many. Nate Bargazzi's's great but he's a christian so it's tough he doesn't swear he doesn't swear it's really tough yeah he doesn't swear at all he is very funny the uh loves the lord yeah yeah you you were you were raised very religious then you're you're not no god anymore i went other way.
Yeah. I feel like that happens.
It does. If you get too deep into it, you just can't be part of it.
I woke up and I was like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, it's way better now. You realize how few blowjobs you're allowed as an Orthodox Jew.
And it's pretty much no brand. I feel like, honestly, if you get to heaven and God's like, what the fuck? You know? How come you didn't do this? And you'd be like, God, let me introduce you to one fucking slut who I know OD'd.
She's up here. Let me show you how deep she can get your cock down her throat and get that back spit.
And then he'd be like, oh, I get it. Come on.
You're welcome, man. Yeah.
I mean, God created blowjobs, right? God did create blowjobs. He did.
No one came up with that. No, that came straight from the Lord.
So I don't know how you can be against it. Yeah.
Who came up with BJ's? The first blowjob? Yeah, it must have been the greatest thing ever. She's like, watch this.
The dude must have been terrified at first. Are you going to eat my dick? Yeah, you're eating my dick.
What the fuck? Yeah. And then he's like, wait.
Dude, the first time, this chick from my class, she was so in love with her, and I was a virgin. And I just heard the term eating a girl out, and I didn't know.
I didn't know. And I finally was hooked up with her, and I went down there, and I just took a bite out of her puss.
I had no idea. I looked at her for a second, and I was like, I guess this is it.
Yeah. Just got to take a big chomp.
Yeah. I mean, it wasn't like the molars, but it was the fronts for sure.
She's like, what the fuck? Did you swallow? I didn't Tyson it. Nothing came off.
Yeah. I mean, so I do.
I love that you put on other comedians because you've said before that Rogan was the bump that you needed to get to where you're at. And that part, I hate when people get really successful and they just kind of ignore the luck or the bounces they get because everyone needs one.
Everybody needs it. And any industry.
Everybody, when they get out of college, I want to do this by myself. and it's like, you need your dad's friend to like tell the hr at the company you're applying to yeah to look out for this resume that's every industry right people need that bounce yeah so in rogan rogan was that bounce for you right yeah yeah he he really put me over i mean he'd bring me on the road when i was just like a like a struggling nothing company and they exposed me like real crowds and I could pause.
There was no like worry that the crowd's going to fucking leave. Right.
Like they were in the original room at the comedy store. Yeah, it was great.
So yeah, the only way I can pay them back is by paying people well and taking people on the road and putting people over. Doing the same thing.
Yeah, I try to put on my Instagram, I try to put like funny comics, especially younger comics. Yeah, that's awesome because that's how you find them i mean like that's yeah you're not going to see anyone on my page it's like i approve of this guy right right it's also if you if you put somebody on as someone younger than you then as that person gets bigger and older that's like a new audience that you could also be involved in too oh yeah it's good it's just good karma i'll be canceled every two years so i will need these young guys to take me on the road how long has it been since people got mad at you for something like really mad let's see are we due for another one soon we're due for another one for sure yeah do you want to do it right now oh yeah you can't really try people see through it it's really got to be like every time it to me, I'm like, wait, what? What are you talking about? I do have to thank you, though, because your Kobe tweet did take some heat off of me in the moment.
Really? What did you do? So maybe the worst luck of all time, I started doing it because the night- You were on that helicopter. I was not on that helicopter.
The night before, LeBron passed Kobe in all time points. Yeah.
And I started just doing a bit that LeBron is the best Laker of all time and I had my top fives and Kobe wasn't on it. Kobe's the sixth best.
It was like Nick Van Exel. It was like Shaq.
So all these Shaq for sure. Will Chamberlain, Kareem, Magic, I'll give Worthy.
Yeah. And then LeBron.
And LeBron. And then Nick Van Exley.
So I was doing all these tweets just like trashing Kobe. And then he died 12 hours later.
And everyone just went to the tweets and was like, you piece of shit. It's like, dude, I was doing this last night.
And then you came over the top and I was like, that guy, that's the one. Yeah, it took some heat up.
the context people do not do not love to see yeah no they they just jump to whatever basically on twitter if you're if you feel any emotion if you feel it all if you feel it all it's like you feel that emotion for a second then you go immediately to anger and you're like let's find the guy that's it it's all these sleuths who were like dude i i got doxed on my old phone number so there's some guy with an la number who's probably a laker fan just got tons of death threats like fuck you disrespected kobe he's like i like kobe fuck you yeah i feel like the death threats you don't actually have to worry about nobody nobody that's actually going to kill you is going to threaten you beforehand no and also laker fans are pussies yeah so that's another thing to think yeah but it's it's crazy like the demar hamlin thing it was everyone was like oh my god this is a tragedy and then five minutes later it's like fucking let's get skip bayless yeah you didn't react right you didn't say this right exactly it's like wait why can't we just all just feel the emotion instead of just being instantly anger and going it's crazy they're like have a take and if it's not exactly like everybody else's, if you have any sort of artistic license or integrity or have an opinion, they're like, we don't like that. Get rid of them.
It's all 1984. If you just have different shoes, they're like, get rid of them.
He's a spy. Yeah.
Prayers for tomorrow, though. Yeah, prayers for tomorrow.
We just want to make sure that's set. I had the minus three, so I covered that day because I ended the game.
So I was fine. Yeah.

Oh, man.

Bengals fans got so mad in the aftermath, too.

Yeah.

Because they're like, we were going to win that game.

We were up 7-3.

We're driving.

Yeah.

We were going to beat 14-3 in 30 seconds.

Then DeMar went down.

What a faker, too.

He's fine.

Oh, do you see him?

He was raising his hands above his head in the box.

You can't do that if you have cracked ribs.

They made rules on it where you can't fake an injury with under two minutes.

You got a 10-second runoff. Yeah, right.
That's what he did. He knew that he-tempo.
He was smart. He didn't want to waste a timeout, but he had to change the momentum.
There is going to be a coach. DeMar the game Hamlin.
They're going to tell you instead of the hamstring, just pretend that you have a comodial cordis or whatever and just pass out on the field, and then nobody's going to accuse you of faking that one. Yeah.
Dude, I loved it, too. As soon as people, just everybody politically weighed in.
It's like, it's the vaccine. Yeah.
That happened in zero seconds. I can see it a mile away.
It's happening. I'm like, wait, it's one heart attack in 50 years of the NFL, and you're like, it's the vaccine.
Yeah. It happened.
Everything we read online is true. Yep.
Yeah. That's immediately.
Immediately. Yeah.
By the way, that's what John Morant should have done. Yeah.
Fake a heart attack. Or he should have just been like, the vaccine made me horny.
This is what's great. He's in a counseling program for being addicted to a gun.
It's so fake. Dude, how old is he? 25? Yeah.
23, 24. What 23-year-old? If you show him a gun, he's like, cool.
Yeah. It's so fucking dumb, this whole thing.
This counseling, it's just a phony thing to appease the fans. Yeah.
You remember when Riley Cooper, that video of him came out yelling the N-word back in 2013? Oh, yeah. And the Eagles were like- Also one of the goats.
One of the last ones. Yeah.
One of the last openly racist. Yeah.
And then... Shout out Riley.
They sent him away and he went to counseling. Counseling.
For like being racist. I don't know.
Yeah, what counseling is that? But he came back two weeks later. He's like, I'm cured.
I'm cured. I met a black guy.
It turns out they're cool. Yeah.
It would be funny if John Morant is like doing like Rorschach or however you say that test where it's like, do you see a gun in here?

It's like having to get him so he doesn't like guns anymore.

Our take immediately was, I'm sure you saw the video, but like if you're going to get suspended, it's got to be a bigger gun than that.

Use it.

Yeah.

No.

Or use it.

Yeah.

You go even one further.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If John Morant was like, I was hunting the greatest game of all.

Yeah.

I gave Ennis Cantor a two-minute head start. Yeah, I'm concerned that he...
It's not enough to be in front of all these fans. I need to do this.
Yeah, that's a dude that gets death threats a lot, too. Ennis Cantor.
Yeah, from the president of Turkey, which is wild. It's wild.
Like, he's a marked dude for assassination. Isn't there a theory, too, that he's a CIA operative? Yeah.
Because he did, like, his birthday party at the FBI. No, really? He took a picture.
It was like, yeah, greatest birthday ever. It was just him with blurred-out faces at the FBI.
Well, the school that he went to in Turkey has connections with, like, American intelligence. Right.
But it was funny because I heard a clip of the Simmons show with Rusilla the other day. And Rusilla was like, I don't know.
I'm so conflicted about Enos Cantor because politically he says all these

things that are objectively wrong and I hate and I can't stand,

but he also hates LeBron,

which I like.

It's a real 50,

50.

God,

I wish the Lakers would miss the play.

There's such an underachieving team.

Oh,

they're so bad.

And everyone's like,

it's going to be great with Westbrook.

It's over now.

And it's like,

no. And we don't, we don't count.
We don't that doesn't count it's absolutely 100% does not count it's you don't play any road games you have a team there's only weaknesses that are extremely fragile and be like well don't do any of that yeah just hang out in Disney World rest until the playoffs and then we'll go yeah and also the guy that's in charge of scheduling all the games is your captain LeBron James.

LeBron is controlling everything inside this bubble.

Yes.

Oh, do you know what was so fun?

When he was like, fuck this racism.

The NBA's over.

Let's walk out.

And then Giannis and all the other players are like, I'll see you, dude.

We're going to play. We're going to win the championship.

Let's see how this stops racism.

Yeah.

And then he was like, fine, we'll play.

Yeah.

He's like, fucking loser.

But I'm going to win.

Yeah, human rights violations, but China's fine. Fuck LeBron, fuck the Lakers.
I like this anger. I hate the Lakers so much.
I love it. They haven't been good in so long.
He died not seeing that team make the playoffs in years, just so you guys know. He died thinking you guys were a loser city.
This is going to piss some people off. I like it.
I mean, this show is built on dumb sports fandom because we are dumb guys. And I've always – rooting for your team is obviously part of sports, but rooting against your enemies is probably bigger.
Yeah, it really unlocked for me. I found a guy who was doing that, and I was like, yeah, especially when your team's not in it.
You can just root against a fucking hated rival. I hate the Packers.
the packers i hate aaron rogers and i we had him on i explained to him i was like you losing in the playoffs is my super bowl like i have 11 super bowls you only have one how did he react to that he was he was just like all right whatever you can't argue with statistics yeah like i have more rings than you yeah because like that's the best i know i'm a loser yeah i know my team's losing yeah the bears suck i admit that part i my hatred now is my fandom yeah until they get good it's great you should make it you should make a jersey yeah i was thinking about just raising a bunch of yeah like banners just being like past 1997 past last 1998 yeah right like there it is 2001 besides the lakers who else are you like that with really that's my number one just spend all your 1998. Yeah, right.
There it is. 2001.
There it is. Skip a year.
Besides the Lakers, who else are you like that with? Really? That's my number one. You spend all your energy laser focused? Yeah.
I mean, I will look. I'm a Pelos fan.
But before I look at how they did, I'll look at how the Lakers did. You're a Pelicans fan? Yeah.
From Charlotte to transfer to whatever. You followed him.
Yeah. You followed him.
And Zion just won't play.

He just won't play.

He's not fragile.

It's a different injury every time.

I know.

But it's just like, what the fuck?

We need you.

I do think that, like.

The NBA rigged it to give us Zion.

Yeah, I mean, well, yeah, they do that.

I mean, the NBA rigged the Bulls getting Derrick Rose.

That was a fact.

Like, and I'm hoping they do the same thing. Like, that's the best part of rooting for a team in the NBA where you're like, maybe this year they rig it for us.
Right. I've talked myself in it.
Maybe Victor Wembenyana goes to the Bulls because they're like, hey, we need the Bulls to be good again. Yeah, who would they be most likely to give it to? I actually think it might be the Bulls.
I don't know. Probably the Knicks.

Yeah, they want them back to the Pouls.

It could be the Knicks.

But the Knicks won't win the lottery.

Yeah, they're going to be.

It's a lottery team.

Like, it's not.

I mean, the Rockets, maybe.

Well, the Lakers.

Yeah.

If they miss the playoffs.

Oh, God.

I don't think they have their pick.

Yeah, they don't.

They don't have, like, any picks.

No, because of the collusion.

Yeah, GM LeBron traded them all away.

The collusion?

Yeah.

The collusion.

The collusion.

Fuck that guy. By the way, did you want a Zan? I saw you eye it.
Did you want one? No, I was just seeing what it was. Yeah, yeah.
When I put one in, you were like. Those got me.
They get me wired. Yeah, the sixes especially.
Hey, how's that fart coming, though? Oh, I farted five times already. I told you you weren't going to know.
I have a question about you are very open about your mushroom use. Yeah.
I'm starting to to microdose do you microdose every day? I have some right now in my pocket really? yeah do you microdose like every single day? oh fuck no I do not I go hard when I go hard oh you go hard I tried microdosing it made me real dumb really? yeah real cloudy it just makes me happy I gotta try it with acid that's not microdosing anymore I don't cloudy. It just makes me happy.
I got to try it with acid.

That's not microdosing anymore.

No, I'm talking about just dose dosing. Cut off little corners and stuff.

Yeah, now you're just doing drugs.

So you're doing it every day?

No, I've just started.

It's every few days, but yeah.

How much do you take?

It's like, I don't know.

It's very little.

I gave Big Cat a bottle full of them.

I was doing it a few weeks ago, too.

They're these capsules, and so you just take one. How much is in a capsule? Just one capsule.
I can give them for you, yeah. I just want to know how much you're taking for a microdose.
It's very little. I love mushrooms, too.
It's the best. We went to Denver, and we did a meet and greet with our fans, and we just got handed so many drugs.
It was insane. That's the best, dude.
one number two is free drugs yeah is a fandom if people like here you should take this either like here have these mushrooms and it was like last one they're hard to find yeah mushrooms it's not like weed we can just get it right like i appreciate it but yeah like people handing you weed it's like all right you just went next door mushrooms and acid is the'll take home. If people give me weed, I'll be like, I'll smoke it here in Indianapolis, but I'm not going to transport this.
Yeah, can you fly? A good bag of mushrooms, it's like, we're risking it. Can you fly with mushrooms? I mean, physically? Do they have mushroom sniffing dogs? I don't think that they train them for psilocybin, right? Probably not.
Let's hope not. Let's hope not.
Dude, I got a rolled up newspaper. It was my first time getting some in Indianapolis.
Somebody was like, Ari, here's this newspaper today for you. And it was just like, and I'm like, oh.
And you just open it up in front of the staff. Like, what's this? You're like, it's fun time.
Yeah. They're the best.
Do you take mushrooms and go on stage? I have before. How does that go? Bad.
Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think it would go well.

Yeah.

You're just laughing at your own jokes.

Yeah, and you focus on the wrong things.

You immediately are like, how long have you been on?

Fuck.

Has it been like an hour?

It's been shit.

And then you realize I'm supposed to keep talking, or you'll focus on a light.

Is that light always been there?

Is that about me?

So it's fun for you and no one else. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Like jazz music and improv.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it is fun, but no, don't.
Also, people do it at comedy shows. I like at fans.
Like, I'll take mushrooms. It's the worst place to be.
Yeah. You don't want to be in a chair locked into a fucking seat.
Right. You want to get up and move.
You want to walk around. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely took i took acid for the first time in qatar at the world cup a sober game around like 70 000 other people that might be the worst possible experience to take acid for the first time at it was bad i was just and also i was on camera the entire time so i why because we're doing it for content we're making a video tell them you are an acid in qatar oh god no no i in retrospect it's one of those things where it's like i i picked the worst possible time to do this particular drug and but i need to i need to have another experience so in your in your opinion taking acid if you're going to take it for the first time what would the perfect environment be oh good question you want open space so i'll take it i like at a party and then i'll find myself on a golf course at like 2 a.m yeah i took it to ufc once oh that must have some buddies it was great he really me joey diaz we told rogan we were doing it and he was like sick yeah there was no problem come on dude we is one time we had bad seats and he was like where the fuck are you guys and we like I was like, ah. Dude, I mean, I was it.
I was like, come on, dude. It was one time we had bad seats, and he was like, where the fuck are you guys?

And we showed up.

I was like, ah.

Dude, I mean, I was crying.

I was crying.

And every time, like, yeah, when people would come into the octagon with back music, walking

music, I was just like, this is like the Coliseum.

Yeah.

We're all screaming for blood.

What are we doing here?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Those moments, yeah, you're like, how did I get here? It's great. Yeah.
It's great when you get like a deep hunger and you get like a burrito or something take one bite you're like that's what i'm doing do you ever try to bring up other sports to joe that was i he dave hilarious our boss went on yeah and he basically got trapped in like a three-hour ufc went on rogan yeah oh finally that's a good matchup yeah but he got he got trapped in like a three-hour UFC. Portnoy went on Rogan? Yeah.
Oh, finally. That's a good matchup.
Yeah, but he got trapped in like a three-hour UFC conversation. He likes UFC and billiards.
Really? Billiards. And that's it.
He knows deep pool history. That's crazy.
Yeah. How much history is there in pool? Like, it's nine, or how many balls? Fifteen balls? Nine.
Nine balls? Yeah. Nobody plays that other kind.
Yeah. It's bars.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.
He'll play for hours, too. Really? Yeah, you go on the road, and be like, I want to play some football.
He's like, okay. And then, like, an hour later, you're like, let's get out of here, though.
And he's not even close. He has a glove he wears.
What a fucking loser. What? He comes with his own little stupid gloves.
Hey, did he bring a stick? Yes a stick yes yeah yeah that's actually i i kind of respect that you respect that the glove is like fuck off anyone shows up to like a bowling alley with a bowling ball you're like all right this is this is more than a hobby like you're ready to go yeah no he knows like a lot of the pros i got fucking blasted drunk at a podcast once and then like with norman and shane and then like trying to pick me up I mean I was so drunk I'm throwing up and they're like let's go let's go I'm like guys I'm fine here on the floor yeah it's like if I got drunk and you all we have to no no I'm good anyway woke up like two hours later and he's just in the other room playing pool with like these like high level professionals I'm like are you gambling or I don't even know what you're doing. I used to love the trick shot videos in pool.
Those were cool. Yeah, the Black Widow.
Yeah, the Black Widow was awesome. She ruled.
She was hot. I've learned the hard way that you can't drink with Shane because he's a tank.
You can't drink with him. It's a mistake.
He is an absolute tank. It's a mistake to try to keep up with him.
I've done it before. Give props to the fucking master.
He really is. You just can't.
Yeah. We did a case race, and I was like, yeah, I'm going to.
You're fucked, dude. You saw it in his eye, too.
He's like, oh, they think that they can drink with me. And sometimes you'll get him too drunk, but he's also got that spirit of like, you won't beat me, though.
Yeah, right. Let's get competitive.
Right, right. So even if he's like, I would stop stop except i see you beer for beer right i'm never stopping yeah he'll talk you into it too i we so i was like i was the day before i tried to keep up with him and it was like i'm gonna go beer for beer with you tomorrow yeah he like yeah yeah and i was coming off a month of sobriety and it's not my game and it's his game and uh and i'm like all right well i'll go every other beer go so you're immediately pussing out like one second after you made your claim you're gonna puss out i was like whatever and then i cracked the first beer of the podcast and i just like eyeballed him from the side and he was like oh really i kept up with him for 10 and then it was over and then i smoked a joint that's what ruined me yeah do you go back and listen to those podcasts before you put them out or do you just trust in yourself and you're like fuck it we said what we said we said what we said yeah dude the deal is you're supposed to say whatever take some chances yeah if a joke's not good it's not good you can't be worried that might that's probably really freeing did you always have that in your head or was it was there a moment where you're like you know what i'm gonna say what i want to say and everyone knows that this is what i'm trying to do and if it doesn't land we go go on to the next one yeah i mean that's early twitter was like that they told us like throw out anything right and if it's not funny it just won't get retweeted and if it is it will right and then the rules changed around us i'm like hey remember nine years ago you did this right which wasn't? Right.
Which wasn't funny? Like, yeah, it wasn't funny. And we're like, wait, what? It's nuts.
But the best moments in comedy is when you take this deep chance. Right.
And you hit it. And it's worth a bunch of failures.
Yeah. One time I was doing this bit when I was a young comic.
And it was late night in the original room at the store. And I was doing this bit about how Jews were the original blacks in this country.
We made all boxing, basketball, it was all this. Syracuse Jews was a basketball team because we were poor immigrants.
And the joke was we were the original N-words and I would use the word. And this big jovial black guy was like, no, no, man, you got to do A-H at the end.
You got to i was like okay so then it's okay he goes yeah as long as you use the a at the end it's fine and then i just did this deep joke like he's fucking i can't even do it now but i'm like he's fucking and i would say it with the a are are fucking our women they're they're taking our jobs and he was dying laughing yeah and it was like you like, you got to take a chance. Yeah.
It's the comedy when someone says something that is at risk and you, in your head, you're like, oh shit, I never even thought of that. Yeah.
And it unlocks something in your brain. And you might, this could go really bad.
And for every person that walks out angry in my show, it's like 98% of the rest of the people are really loving it that's i mean it's an awesome way to look at it yeah i love it if i don't get two people walking out every show i've failed really you gotta have a couple people like fuck this guy and also they get even madder when everyone else is laughing right yeah it's like it's just your line is different it's confusing me a person that would go to a comedy show and then get so mad at the comedy that they leave yeah not just it's not for me like if somebody does political humor i don't follow any of that

shit so i'm just like i don't even know who that is right i don't get it but i'm not mad at it i

don't get it right you know or sports humor not everybody likes if they don't get the reference

they don't get it it's fine but like mad you paid for joviality right you're leaving angry it's not

so adrian is why i love her so much the day after Parkland, one of the worst shootings, I mean it was fun kid kids and it happened on Ash Wednesday and so this was Thursday night, so everyone's feeling it, and she goes yeah it was terrible, it made it worse as all those kids had targets on their foreheads. Oh, my God.
And, dude, it was like silence for like 30 seconds and then this eruption of release and laughter. Yeah.
But most people would go, it's not worth the risk. Right.
And she's like, no, it is. Yeah.
And it was the best joke of the year. Yeah.
Yeah. That's, I mean, it is crazy to think about like those you want.
I hope we never get to a spot where comedians stop doing that. They do, but it just opens up the door for real comics.
Yeah. It's great.
It must be. Is it the best time to be a comic? It's the best, dude.
You follow these fucking chuds. They do fucking nothing.
It's so easy. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Yeah, it's the best time to be a comic.
First of all, it's popular. And second of all, yeah, we can kind of do whatever.

I had a lady waiting for me outside.

Sometimes when they leave, I'm like, which joke was it?

Right.

Because it's just their trigger.

Right.

So I was like, could have been one of seven or eight different ones.

This lady, they told me she got mad at the Village Underground.

I was like, all right, whatever.

I was talking for a while.

Then I left, went to the comedy cellar.

And as I'm walking down the street, down 3rd, somebody's like, you're a piece of shit. And I'm like, oh, I bet you're that lady.
I bet you're the one that left mad. Imagine.
Oh, I love it. They have no idea how much joy it brings me to.
Well, if they told you the reason why they left, you would probably write more jokes about that thing. A hundred percent.
Every time somebody comes down on like, somebody overstepped with an Asian joke, it just makes everyone do Asian jokes. A rape joke makes everyone start going, oh yeah, I should do more rape jokes.
Yeah. It's just the opposite of what they want.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Well, this has been awesome.
I have one last question. It's a Roback question.
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I'm wearing their pants as well. These are the ones that I'm farting into right now.
Q-Zips. You say you're farting.
No one smelled it or heard it. Yeah, Jake's wearing a hoodie right now.
The most comfortable clothes in the world. Yeah, I feel that.
That's not bad. Yeah, these pants, they're so comfortable.
I wear them all the time. Just rocking them.
You never have. I mean.
What is it? Just sweats? Yeah, it's a jogger. Yeah.
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These look like the kind of pants... Tell me, Roback, John Roback, who owns the company, you tell me if I'm right or not.
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You can jizz right in your pants during a lap dance in Tampa if you just make sure to wear these with no underwear. yeah the john morant ones yeah uh all right last question all right this is kind of a i don't know if it's a fucked up question or like i'm always just curious because anyone who's in the entertainment business anyone who's producing content comedians especially have you thought of like how many years you have left and like what what this what the path looks like or is it just yeah dude my hands fucking shake i've done too many drugs so i probably got seven years left either an od is gonna take me or one of those fucking heart attacks that leaves me fucking spoon fed probably seven years left damn yeah and i'm going out hard so you don't even have to worry about someday not being funny.
No, yeah, I'll be done.

Do people have permission to make a joke about your death when it happens?

What an honor.

Yeah.

That's a good way.

I feel the same way, man.

I really do.

Yeah.

You don't do it about nobody.

Ari Shafir died seven years too late, so we could have never seen that Kobe tweet.

Yeah.

Wish he had died before Kobe, so we didn't have to do that.

Dude, everybody gets mad at that. I'm just like, oh, you're just telling me you're a dork that's all you're telling me that you're a fucking humorless dork yeah walking around with that anger it's so funny too because i'll do that all the time just like people worship celebrities too much so i'll just like everyone's like you know when everyone's talking about a friend yeah you know and like oh that guy rules oh he's great one time he picked me up from the airport that guy's awesome it just kind of goes around the circle and all you gotta do is go fuck him and it's just funny and that's the moment but it's different groups get mad at me so like uh who's the guy kenny rogers died yeah i called him a racist and fucking that's why he only had roasted chicken not fried because he didn't want black people in his restaurant.
And there's all these middle-aged white ladies,

like 60-year-old white ladies, like, fuck you.

This is why you'll never have a special.

You're not funny.

I'm like, I've had four.

This is great.

I just love it.

Yeah.

It's making people uncomfortable.

Yeah, dude, I hope I OD.

I want to go hard.

I don't want to age out.

Like an accidental OD or just load up one day?

I hope you don't die from an OD. How do you hope I i don't know i mean just die a nice little you know that's the dream i mean if you die 71 yeah if you die of an od at 70 if you die of an od and you're old that's the best way to get that okay yeah 71 i was thinking you were gonna od like tomorrow yeah yeah yeah it'll be don't do that soon right yeah don't do that but yeah 70 if to 71, fuck it.
Can we politicize your death? Ooh. Vaccine.
It was the vaccine. It wasn't the fucking 10 pounds of acid.
It was the vaccine. Yeah, his acid always worked on him before.
Now suddenly. Yeah, you got to find a new political cause and make it about that.
I give you full permission. Okay.
I will. Like this.
But like what? Yeah. It's because the Yankees are underachieving.
Or Russia. Yeah.
Russia's high. Yeah, Russia.
Russia killed them. Just vague about Russia.
Oh, Hillary. Say something bad about Hillary.
Yeah. And that way, say that you have information leading to the arrest of Hillary Clinton.
Yeah. Another Clinton body count.
There it is. That's what I want people to say when I die is like hillary got him clearly yeah too much an honor yeah that'd be like oh she's you were on her radar yeah she didn't like one of your jokes yeah okay that would be that would be props to hill dog if she killed you because one of your jokes offended her she's just running remember when her husband was just fucking everything and then she found out out, and it was just like, I'm sticking with him.

And then we all found out, like, they haven't fucked in years.

She's a hardcore lesbian.

And everybody knows it.

And that's when it was proven.

This is how she's going to get you.

She munches box.

You said too much truth.

You're now on the list.

That's right.

And she fucking, her and Oprah just fucking 69 each other.

You know it.

You know it's true.

Photoshop it.

That makes it true. All right.
right well everyone go check out re beacon theater uh march 24th friday gonna be who give us one of the guests that's coming fuck no dude surprise guests surprise yeah my special jew is on youtube right now uh but yeah surprise guests it's gonna be a fucking fun time yeah i'm pulling out all stops for this because it's my homecoming. I love it.
I love it. March 24th.
Thank you so much for coming by. We appreciate it.
Dude, thanks for having me. Yeah.
This is one of the best shows there is. Oh.
Like legitimately. You guys don't take anything seriously.
That is true. Yeah, it's great.
Sometimes we do and then we laugh at ourselves for being a trigger. Yeah, exactly.
It's okay to fuck up. And then you got to be like, all right, I'm an idiot.
Yeah, remember when I got mad about this? That was stupid. That's actually the best when you can be like, yeah, wow.
I fought with people online about like a Bears free agency. Like how big of a loser am I? You ever get troll by troll, then halfway through you're like, oh, you don't care about this.
You got me, dude. I've started to like get a little bit smarter where someone will say something that pisses me off, and then I'll click on their profile and it's zero followers.
I'm like, can't, can't reply. Cannot reply.
Like they have to have at least 10. I'll give them props.
Like you got me. And then they'll keep it like, no, no, this is what I really feel.
I'm like, it's over, dude. It's over.
You got me. Hand up.
You got me mad. It happened.
All right. Well, thanks so much, man.
Appreciate it. Yeah.
Thank you guys. Thank you.
Roll back. Come in those pants.
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Okay, let's wrap up with Firefest. We reviewed the tape.
It was a confusing ah, he fucking hit it. Ah, he fucking hit it.
Cell phone. Yeah.
I mean, you held the ah. That's why I heard I fucking did it.
You can really hear whatever you want to hear of that. Yeah.
If you hate Max enough, you'll hear I fucking hit it. Yeah.
I was just hoping you said I fucking hit it with 12 seconds left, which would have been a very premature call. That's a good cue to my Fyre Fest.
Oh, okay. We had a men's league game, and they start doing the countdown clock with two minutes left.
And so they were counting down the clock like 10, 9, 8, 7, 6. We were down one.
Hit a shot with one second left, and I thought the game was over. But it was the shot clock that was one second left.
There was 12 seconds left. They came down, hit a shot.
We lost by one. Big T got hacked with two seconds left.
What's Big T's game like? He looks exactly as you would imagine. He's a gentle giant.
He's not aggressive. He's a big body.
Big presence. Doesn't really take advantage of that, but he likes to shoot.
But he got a good look, got hacked. The ref didn't call it.
It's one of those situations where it's like intramural, so it's like how mad can you get at the ref? But it's like if you're going to be refereeing an intramural game and someone gets hacked with two seconds left, maybe not, you know, in the middle of the game, who cares? Foul, schmau. Yeah, that's weird.
But what's the point? He's usually a big stop the steal guy. It sounds like he got his pocket picked on the last play there.
No, he just got hacked. I also have a flight to Chicago in three hours.
Wait, Hank. Oh, what time? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hank, real quick. So in this game, it sounds like you played pretty well, right? Yeah, no.
So that was actually, I wasn't even going to mention the end of the game because who cares? My real Fyre Fest was, this was my first basketball game I've played in three months. I showed up late because I was playing video games with PFT.

I had to run there.

Nope.

And they were playing a zone.

I didn't warm up.

I literally walked in as the game was starting, didn't warm up.

And I was just like, fuck it.

They're playing zone.

If I get an open look, you know how these pick-up games go.

It's pretty casual.

People aren't super aggressive in the beginning because no one's good.

So no one's going to be just ripping threes. And I was like, all right, like all right in my head i was like fuck it i'm going to get an open look if they pass me the ball i'm just going to shoot it don't think just shoot i legitimately shot it over the backboard like it went out of bounds it was a it was a high arcing shot that bounced off the top of the back but that's that's your patented i'm not ready yet shot.
I know. You are the king of like, I've always said it when people are like, what is Hank like playing basketball? I'm like, his first couple shots will completely miss the rim, and then when he gets actually honed in, he will be a good shooter.
Right. So it was comical.
It was somehow not. Billy, I wish Billy was here.
Billy, similar to Big T where it's like his game is exactly how you'd imagine his game to be. Billy's game is exactly how you'd imagine it to be where he's just a football player playing basketball.
Right. He shot a three.
Somehow he jumped high enough where I feel like he was parallel to the backboard. The ball went straight.
There was no arc on it. Bounced so hard off the backboard that I think it bounced and landed past the three-point line.
I was laughing, but I was also like, I also just had one of the worst shots of all time. But I don't think I'll ever forget it.
I don't think I'll ever forget it. I can honestly see Billy doing that and being like, that was pretty sweet.
No, he kept shooting. It didn't stop him from shooting.
It's like, oh, I got to keep shooting. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm a little rusty. He shatters the backboard.

So good.

So good.

And then you came back and you won the next time that we played video games.

Nope.

Nope.

Almost.

Oh, shit.

I tried, though.

I'm just out here trying my hardest.

Shit.

Hopefully I make this flight.

Yeah, what time's your flight?

7.

AM.

Yeah.

It's 1230.

Yep. So you have to leave.
I'm say no chance in like four hours four and a half hours i'm gonna make it i you just leave right now i i i'm gonna i'm gonna do some thinking when i get home yeah i would go to the airport yeah i might just pull a nick torani and just get to the airport to the airport have a couple termies keep it loose you're screwed yeah yeah all right PFT what's gonna be great if Hank gets on a plane at 7 30 the type of yawns he's gonna be hitting oh my god complete stranger sitting next to him I don't care about that he might make the plane land sometimes I wake up and and it's like inception like whether they're all looking around like did that just happen i wake up off a flight i'm like the person next to me probably heard me sleep talking snoring you probably had a boner maybe maybe who knows i feel like i don't really fart or bone in my sleep but sometimes but it's like i'm never gonna hear about it so who cares have you ever fallen asleep on a plane and woke it up and had a little half a chum, and you're like, uh-oh? I get boners on the way to the airport. Yeah, it sucks so bad.
You're like, wait. Morning wood.
This has been happening? Morning wood. It's science.
Max, you've come in your pants on a plane? Yeah, that's my fire fest. I came in the flight back.
No, but I have had that. Yeah.
I mean, that just happens.

PFT.

My Fyre Fest is, you guys know I've got the golf bug.

I've been playing a lot recently.

We haven't heard.

Listen, it's in your blood.

You wouldn't get it.

You're not a parvert like me, but it's all I think about when I wake up,

all I think about when I go to bed.

And the mission that I'm on, I'm denying myself.

I'm building myself up like a video game character in golf, where I'm not allowing myself to get a golf bag until I break 130. So that means that I'm carrying around a full set of clubs whenever I go to golf anywhere, which is very, very triggering for a lot of people online when they see that.
I've literally taken a belt and I've wrapped it around my golf clubs and tightened it to keep them all together uh do you like the guy that hole hit the hole in one and wears the iron covers because that's what he had to do when he was poor like you just you know you yeah you gotta earn it yeah i gotta get your roots i don't have golf shoes yet that's another thing i'm going to level up on eventually but it's really starting to hit me how much it sucks not having a golf bag when you're going around to golf. So you could just get a golf bag.

No, no, no.

You could just shoot at 130.

Why do you as a man need a golf bag?

You're basically carrying a purse around.

Well, you just said it sucks to have to carry my golf clubs around.

Yeah, it does suck to have to do that.

And then also to try to have to look at which club you need and which club you're going to use.

And then you pick up like seven clubs and look at which one they are before you actually find your regular one. Listen, I'm building myself up.
Earned, not given. That's my motto when it comes to golf bags.
So I went to the indoor simulator and played with Jake today. I beat him.
That's not really what I'm talking about, but I did beat him. But I definitely held up the pace of play big time, having to scavenge for whichever club I'm going to use each and every time.
It's probably adding, I don't know, like a good hour, hour and a half to every time I try to play a round of golf on the simulator. So it's a prison of my own design that I'm living in.
Yes. Max, by the way, trending topics right now.
What a shot. Chris Jenkins.
Yeah. Who's Chris Jenkins? Chris Jenkins would be the player for Villanova.
Oh, no. That is right.
I knew I recognized that name, so that was your play. Yeah.
I mean, I'll still take that play. Yeah.
I'll take that. Where's Villanova from? Villanova, Pennsylvania.
Okay. What part of Pennsylvania? Wait.
Is that really the town name? Correct. That's crazy.
Radnor Township.

I did not know that.

What city?

They're in the Big Five, right?

They are in the Big Five of Philadelphia.

Oh, okay.

Yes.

And that play just beat UCLA.

Yeah, no, I'll take that.

I mean, that was a win for me.

That was one of the best days of my life.

$15,000 would have been nice.

$15,000 would have been nice. Correct.
That is correct. And that is my FireFest.
All right, my FireFest. I got a weird one.
I had to get my cavities. I had two cavities that I'd been sleeping on for about six months.
Thought they were going to become root canals. Went to the dentist.
And my FireFest, it's a little bit a twist, because most people are like, oh, I hate going to the dentist. I actually, now that we're moving, I'm going to miss my dentist.
I have the best dentist in the world. I've never had a good dentist in my entire life, and my dentist fucking rules.
He's a fan of the show, fan of Barstool, tells me straight up what, he's like, this is how long this is going to take. Like it's going to take this.

You want a little gas.

Okay.

You get a little gas,

all the stuff.

It's the best thing ever.

I don't know if I'll ever go to the dentist again.

Oh yeah.

I've never had a good day.

I've never had.

I don't think good dentists exist.

Wait,

when was the last time you guys been to the dentist?

I'm working with it.

I think I would say five plus for me.

It was in March. Oh, you've gone.
Okay. So you're good.
It was March plus. For me, it was in March.
Probably a couple of times.

Oh, you've gone.

Okay, so you're good.

It was March Madness.

No, no, not this March.

No, no, no, no.

This is March 2018.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I'm definitely pre-COVID.

That's a little gross.

I brush and I floss twice a day.

I've got great teeth.

It's five years easy.

I would like to find a dentist.

I have a great one. But I'm also like the Chicago thing.
It's like, yeah, you just wait till you move. No, I'm going to go before I move, but I'm going to probably have to take like a week.
Because I'm trying to just get my shit together. There's going to be so much blood.
Nah, dentists are a scam. I just like, they're going to be like, you got three canals.
Yeah. Root canals suck.
You brush your teeth, though, right, Hank? Yes. But I love sugar.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, brushing your teeth is obviously good, but you still get cavities. I brush my teeth, I get cavities.
You don't have a cavity until somebody tells you you have a cavity. That's true.
Or your mouth hurts. Yeah, that's true.
People don't go to the dentist when their teeth are feeling great yeah although cleanings i know i've learned the cleanings they're not the worst if you actually do it semi-frequently i i remember because i i was on the same streak as you guys it had been like probably four or five years i went got the cleaning was the worst experience ever and they're like if you come back in four months five months it won't suck and then i did that and it didn't suck that's how they get you had a kid and then you started like being responsible with that but going to the dentist was this guy uh was it a coincidental no i i had connected with him about something else and then he was like i'm a dentist in brooklyn and i was like okay great and then yeah he's saved my life and i'm gonna miss him i might just fly to go to his place i have a question yeah has anyone gotten the physical that we all said that we were gonna get oh oh i need to get a actually thank you for reminding me because the the guys with the f18 hit me up and they're like yeah you need to get a physical from a real doctor if you want to go up in this plane yeah Yeah, we got to do physicals. I think they're going to – are they going to do the butt thing to me? No, you're not 40.
You weren't here, I don't think, Hank. We said we'd all get physicals and share the results.
That would be fun content. That was what memes said.
That was his resolution? Yeah, that's right. It was your resolution.
All right, so we got to do that. Yeah, still haven't got it.
None of us have. physical Jake definitely has Jake's definitely done a physical Speaking of physicals There was a Saints player Who got a physical And he found out He had cancer Oh yeah Thank you That's why I never get physicals That's why they're not Over the cap That was a real bummer I don't think I'm gonna get one That was a bummer memes Damn dude Alright Jesus Thoughts and prayers way to fucking end the show on a bummer man oh yeah it was a moreau from the Raiders prayers for moreau fuck memes I don't I don't say after that definitely not kind of physical no no definitely.
No. Definitely not.
No, we should. I mean, if we're going to all have cancer, we should probably try and, you know, nip that in the bud.
Well, let's hope we just don't get cancer. Well, now I think I have cancer.
Statistically, only like two of us in this room have cancer. Chicago.
That's when you'll find out that you have cancer? No. You can't get a doctor now.
Right. Yeah.
Like, I haven't gotten a doctor nor a dentist since I've been in New York. So maybe this is the key to never going to the dentist or doctor.
It's moving every few years. And you live like an hour away.
I don't want to start that relationship now. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to miss this relationship. I wish I could keep it.
I might actually. It might be better to fly to New York to do dental work than, like, start a new relationship.
i have so many dentists hitting us up yeah hopefully we want cool ones now you can move on from me don't bother we we we need them uh okay hank have you ever gotten this the lottery ball machine yeah no you just take l's all max and almost like max all right Oh, Hank, you know what number you should pick. I'm going to do 17.
I'm going to do three. 69.
Three's not in there, you idiot. How do you...
Are you trying to lose? How are you so bad at this? I was trying to fuck with memes. It's shocking how bad at this you are.
I thought you were going to pick 69. Nah.

20.

Oh,

who has, who's, oh, Johnny Fanta

has 26.

Fuck him. Yeah, no.

No, no, no. Johnny Fanta has 26.

Max has 24. 48.

Max Homa has 25. 87.

I like the sound 48.

I feel good about this, Hank. Where's Jake? I don't know.
He's doing the Titus show. Oh, yeah.
Two. Oh, you were one off.
Damn. If when we had said there's no three, three You've just been like Fine, two Why?

That's not a crazy thing to say No, you went off

You were close

Whatever

So close

Hank, you're getting closer

Max, you got an animal fact for us?

Love you guys

Dogs are chill

Talking away

I don't know what

I'm to say

I'll say it anyway Today is another day To find you Shying away I'll be coming for your love again Take on me Take me home I'll be gone in a day or two

So needless to say

I'm odds and ends

But that's me

I'm stumbling away

Slowly learning

that life is okay

And say after me

Thank you. Sumbling away, slowly learning that life is okay.

And say after me, it's no better to be safe than sorry. And take on me.
Take me home I'll be gone

In a tale tomb guitar solo I know things that you say

Is it liable

Just to play my worries away

You're all the things I've got to remember

You're shying away

I'll be coming for you anyway

To be continued... I've got to remember You're shying away I'll be coming for you Anyway Take on me Take me on I'll be gone in a day or two.

I'll be gone in a day or two.