Best of 2022, Aaron Rodgers, Chris Berman, Dungeons & Dragons And More

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On today's Pardon My Take, best of 2022, we have everything that happened this past year, best interviews, best moments, all of it in one spot, relive what was a great year in Pardon My Take. As we progress through the season, every fan knows that big wins are hard to come by and tough losses are even harder to accept.
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Boy! Boy! We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. And then we'll take it higher.
Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. It's Part of My Take, presented by Barstool Sports.
Welcome to Part of My Take. Today is Wednesday, December 28th.
And let's get into the best of, shall we, PFT? I'm pumped. We had a very good year.
A great year. Some of our best of is actually, ironically, I think some of our worst of.
Yep, always. I was looking at the list of some of the stuff, but that's the magic of this podcast.
Sometimes it's so bad that it's great. Yes.
So let's dive right in. Best of 2022.
and we will be back live with a new show on Friday,

live from the Arizona Bowl, which you can watch on Barstool.tv,

4.30 p.m. Eastern, Ohio versus Wyoming.

Check us out.

We will be there.

Hey, Big Cat, do you have any New Year's resolutions?

Yeah.

I'm not telling you.

Okay, that's smart.

That's smart.

I don't know.

Yeah, no, I'm going to get in shape. Here's a good one.
Here's one that you can use for free. I use this every year.
I'm going to start drinking more water. Yeah, no, I did.
One year I did more apple juice. So I had one cup of apple juice.
Yeah, I think I'm going to drink more water. I'm finally going to.
The boys are getting hydrated in 2023. Hard body.
Yeah, I like it. It's going to be a great year.
Super Bowl labs. Yeah let's hop in, best of 2022 He's won one Super Bowl Which we can get into because I have the theory That if you win one Super Bowl you actually have none He is a four time MVP of the league He has an 11-10 postseason record 1-4 in NFC Championship games.
I'm just introducing you. One of the best quarterbacks ever, Aaron Rodgers.
Welcome to the show. Thank you.
Okay. I don't really know where to start other than, like, how dare you? How dare you? Big Cat will not ask you any questions that aren't threatening, so I'll start it because we ask everybody this on Grit Week.
Yes, that's true. I forgot about that.
I got blinded with rage. What does grit mean to you? Wait, are you recording this? I know you don't trust the media.
I don't trust you guys, yes. Yeah.
Okay, so what does grit mean to you? It means you're from Pittsburgh. Ooh.
Okay. That's actually an answer we haven't had yet.
That's a great answer, though. And it's true.
That's what's been ingrained in me since I was a second-year player in the league. I've been surrounded by Pittsburgh people.
Everybody from Mike McCarthy to Tom Clements to Ben McAdoo, Dom Capers, Darren Perry, Frank Signetti. A lot of Pittsburgh people.
And all I talk about is just toughness Pittsburgh grit putting fries on sandwiches so are you saying that you miss Mike McCarthy I love Mike McCarthy so why don't you marry him listen let's just cut through it put our cards on the table if you had to go to jail or prison which one would you pick what's the difference uh well jail is probably a little lighter than prison county jail i've said i see listen maybe you like the manhattan correctional facility with like a real jacked up former cop as your cellmate for a night yeah from what i've read i think if anybody in this room and i don't know some of the other people in here um and tom has a sketchy past but i think you would probably be most likely to go to jail between all of us and really yeah i have committed some crimes that's fine but i also admit to the crimes i commit where you don't and you yeah kind of skirt around it but listen i'm i'm actually very realistic about you as a player i've always said you're a very good quarterback, very good quarterback, even league MVP four times, right? I do think that you should be in jail or prison, and I'm fair to say you get to pick. I think jail is better than prison, so you can have that, and I will meet you halfway.
No. Okay.
All right. Well, I'll work on it.
Let's do it. Let's try a different angle.
How close were you to retiring? Be honest. Close.
I don't know how close is close. I was thinking about it.
Yeah. So Jeopardy, that would have been cool.
Yeah, that would have been cool. Yeah.
Did you want that job? I did. I feel like it's a thankless job, though, because that's become one of those shows where no matter who's hosting it, it's almost like the Jeopardy community loves to nitpick at the host and be like, you're not Alex Trebek.
Well, yeah, that's the case. And I would say for many of the shows that I grew up watching, that is definitely the case.
Price is right. Nobody can ever beat Bob Barker.
Best show ever. But I will say one guy who's transcended all of that and even surpassed Louis Anderson, who nobody thought ever could, is Steve Harvey with Family Feud.
That's true. He's America's host.
Family Feud. You know what I mean? That show went through so many different people and although I didn't make me have one iconic host other than Louis, you know, I think Steve definitely did that.
So I was actually like, you know, like I said, I'm actually fair with you. You might think I'm not fair, but when you were, you know, saying that you wanted to be- No offense, but I don't watch your stuff.
What? My what? We don't think about you at all. You're never going to retire.
You're never going to retire. I just got one follow-up.
Are you really sensitive about what I said last year after I scored that touchdown? Okay, let's get into it. So you said, I own you.
I fucking own you to the city of chicago the city of chicago has 38.7 billion dollars of debt so are you gonna pay that that's a good one i mean no i'm not you own us no i was i don't think i'm saying that about the entire city now maybe soldier field every fan who was flipping me off you know that negativity that was kind of coming my way. It was a pretty substantial FCC fine that came Fox's way.
Do you own that fine? You can't just say fuck on TV. It's supposed to be a 10-second delay.
So I think that's out of my hands. I actually own you because I'm a Packers owner.
So I own you, you own him. You own a piece of paper that has zero actual value.

I actually stole it from our goldfish.

So our goldfish owned you.

Then he died.

Then I inherited the share.

Now I own you.

You own Big Cat.

So I kind of, I guess I inherit that debt.

Okay.

Do you feel bad for what you've done to my friend Big Cat?

No, I don't.

At all. Not at all.

Because I don't know if you can tell this.

I think he's conflicted. You know, he's conflicteded it's kind of like darth vader and luke skywalker remember you know he's like i can feel the conflict within you and he says this fake statement like oh there's no conflict i'd move on inside he went to wisconsin yeah i hate you though i hate he's seen some of my all-time best moments on the field, not only at Soldier Field, but also at Ford Field.

So I was a Lions fan for 24 hours.

But deep down.

I went to go help support the Lions fans to try to beat the Packers,

and then you threw the Hail Mary right in my face, directly in my face.

Like I said, you've tortured me.

They had me on the way over here.

They were like, what's the worst moment, Aaron Rodgers versus the Bears,

and I just started listing like a laundry list, and it goes on forever.

Do you actually relish in the fact that you beat the Bears the way you do every single year? Yes. Fuck.
I mean, I knew the answer to that. Because it's a great sports town.
If we're beating up on a town that doesn't have a great sports history, it like just another win but chicago is chicago you get 100 years of bears football almost right you have the chicago bulls i grew up a bulls fan you know back on my old tv we had like seven dials you know and you had to like hit it just right with the antenna doing we could get wgn so we could watch you know cubs baseball and baseball. And Harry Curie, you know, that was, like, iconic.

And Bulls basketball.

So I grew up watching Chicago sports.

So, all right, what's your favorite memory?

I'm just going to do this because everyone's going to want to hear it.

What's your favorite memory of beating the Bears? What's your favorite Bears all time?

Because there are a lot.

I actually, like, weirdly, I'll tell you mine first because there's, mine first because Randall Cobb was terrible. The NFC Championship game was terrible.
When you faked, you had an injury with Khalil Mack that first half and you came back. Weirdly, though, the one that just kills me the most because actually Hank and Dave, we were in Arizona for some college football thing and we watched Sunday Night Football.
It

was a game that you put up like, I think you guys were 42-0 at half, and they just laughed at me

for an entire half. And they're like, how do you watch this? That one hurts, I think, weirdly the

most. So what's your favorite? Go ahead.
Well, that one hurts because it was 42-whatever at

halftime and I'd thrown six touchdowns and the record is seven. And Mike was going to

Thank you. whatever at halftime and I'd thrown six touchdowns and the record is seven and Mike was and Mike was gonna sit me and I was like how about one more possession he goes okay one more so we got down to the nine yard line and threw it three times three incompletions so bend don't break up 45-nothing.
Yeah. All right, so what's your favorite? Probably 2013.
Okay. Only because I came back from my collarbone.
Randall came back from his knee injury. And then somehow it was for the division.
You know, after so many things happened, you know, for us to be able to be in it and i believe that detroit was still in the week before then they had a bad loss to somebody

so it came down to like our game and you know neither team i don't think was great that year

but we're still playing for a home playoff game and i started off i threw a pick to chris conti

on a rollout and i'm like shit like is it gonna go like this you know tonight and then i threw

and I'll see, shit, is it going to go like this tonight? And then I threw another pick to Jennings in, I think, the second or third quarter. And then we had that weird, fluky pep cause a fumble, and Boykin picks it up, and nobody's doing anything, and he runs in the end zone.
And on the last drive, we converted three we converted three fourth downs you know fourth and like inches on a dive play a fourth and three and a throw to Jordy but the last one was was pretty amazing so what this is this is terrible I don't I actually hate that I'm doing this is actually my least favorite thing I've ever done coming here right now but you look good saw that. You look good.
I want to tell you.

Thank you.

No, I mean, sometimes, no, I mean, I know that we've all struggled with our own issues

and I know weight's been kind of up and down for you, but I feel like you look really good.

Well, you don't watch anything I do.

No, I just heard.

Oh, okay, okay.

You heard about the weight.

All right.

I'll be honest.

I like you.

I don't like what you've done to my friend because you've probably aged him like 30 years.

Well, you're a Washington fan, so you don't care. Yeah, but you don't watch anything that would do.
Right. I'm a nihilist, OK? Like, I'm convincing myself to root for Carson Wentz this year.
That's how bad things have got. I'm actually a Commanders fan.
Don't forget about that name change. But I do like you.
I noticed that you had almost like a significant change in perspective over the last few years.

You've become, it seems like you're having more fun from what I've seen.

You're enjoying your teammates.

You're enjoying the process.

You're enjoying what you get to do while you're still able to do it, which I think is very cool.

And you have a good perspective on like where football fits into your life.

I think a lot of people don't have that, especially from the outside.

So I guess my question is, when did you first try ayahuasca? A few years ago. Yeah.
Yeah. Straight from the source? What source? Ecuador.
I don't think it's me. I don't think that would be the source.
Amazon. Amazon.
Yeah. By the way, the tattoo looks better in person.
Thank you. That's another thing I admire about you.
Yeah. You you're you're totally go ahead you're like listen if you want to put a needle in my arm and inject whatever you want in there i'm totally on board with that i could never do that people say oh immunization vaccination i did i said yeah a lot yeah you did yeah but how many people do you think you killed what's your count how many How many grandmothers? Let's just do grandmothers.

I mean, I know you guys are fucking around. I don't find that part funny.
I really don't. Okay.
Oh, shit. We got John Cena.
No. Yeah.
Yeah. Can I ask you a non-condescending, in a non-condescending way, a question? Yeah.
I'm going to. That question was kind of hard.
That was a rhetorical question. That intro question was a little bit condescending.
It was rhetical yeah okay is truly is it hard for you as a bears fan yeah that some of your greatest moments are cheering against me when the bears aren't playing okay good question um very good question no it's it's actually great because what i've told everyone is I'm very realistic about the Bears. Not a great franchise.
Just don't do the right things for the most part.

every year I look forward to the playoffs and the game that you're going to lose.

And I've told this story on the air, but like when you guys lost to San Francisco this year, we were watching the game in New Jersey and I drove, drove back to Brooklyn brag. Um,

and I listened to uh tausher espn wisconsin for three hours i sat in my car at my i arrived home it's a 20 minute drive i had ride home i sat for three hours listening to callers be like blow up lambo get 12 out of We need to build a dome. This team isn't built for the outside.

And that was the highlight of my NFL season.

And I have no problem saying that because I know I'm a loser.

That's the best part.

I've come to grips with the fact that I'm a loser.

So, yes, watching you lose in the playoffs is my – that's my Super Bowl.

And I've won a lot of Super Bowls if you do it that way.

More than you.

We're going to get right back to the show.

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Exclude to white. Alright, back to part of my take.
We are at Ryan Russo's house. It is Ryan Russo, Mark Titus, PFT, myself.
Lifed myself life episode two yeah there's definitely there's a lot of times where i'm like you know especially like on the weekend when i'm you know doing a lot of parenting i'm like i miss the dude who can just go and get drunk at a bar like noon but then you don't really miss him but you do what what is the biggest difference between having the two kids not not emotionally, because your answer is going to be, you know, I love more, blah, blah, blah. Who cares? That is the truth, though.
That's one of those ones that if you don't have kids, and I'm not shaming anyone, but when you do have a kid, you're like, oh, fuck. This is completely different than anything else.
Yeah, I have a dog. I get it, Dan.
um it's a love you can't understand what uh what what is it what is the biggest difference day-to-day life or like the the thing you've had to cut out that you didn't anticipate having to cut out it's and having kids it's like there's no there's like very little time where i can just do nothing yeah you know what i mean like there's Like there's very, there's like maybe, it's like Friday night

and then like maybe like an hour or two

on like a weeknight

where I can literally just do absolutely nothing.

That's the part.

Like where you can't like,

I can't just like sleep till 11

and be like,

I'm going to do nothing on Saturday.

Yeah.

That's,

I'd say that's the biggest time thing.

But it's,

you know,

it is what it is,

right?

Yeah. Don't have kids i

actually think you should but who me or all of us everybody no yes yes why'd i get a no uh i had i remember the first time i thought i was gonna have a kid i was 21 yeah i headed back to uvm for my senior year and this older woman fitness instructor no big deal she was like, I'm pregnant.

And I was like, this is going gonna fuck up my senior year so bad yeah that would that was definitely a time i wasn't ready and it wasn't gonna turn back on anytime soon and then uh guess what magic of science um i think she was just fucking with me seeing how i react pretty nasty that's actually a funny it, it wasn't funny for me at the time, but I remember being like, well, fuck, like, I guess how am I going to do this? Like, this isn't going to... This is going to...
Like, can I go out on Thursdays still? I'll cut off Wednesdays. Right, right.
Like, will it be a custody thing? Because I'll definitely, like, not have 50-50. I'm 21 in school, and, like, we have a dog, and there there's six of us so the kid can't probably stay with us that much so um anyway you know look uh didn't happen and here we are so all right so we do have Hank so this is going to air right before he has to give the speech but he's giving his first best man speech ever next weekend at his brother's wedding so he asked asked for some advice and I think we've all done it at least once, a couple times.
So what is the expectation, Hank? I do think there is an expectation for me to put on a show. Definitely the outgoing one.
Always got in trouble and stuff. I feel like there will be some expectations, similar to you where my family's expecting a show.
Wait a minute. A show? They're like, oh, this speech is coming.
Something's coming. No, I know.
That's a similar spot. The reverse is my brother's very shy.
A little more guarded. If it was reversed, I don't a crazy speech yeah no hank you you like like you do you have a job you have a lifestyle that you're like you're in front of a camera sometimes and talking to microphones and stuff so i think people go to go to a ton of weddings and you see people get up there they're nervous so anytime it's a situation where you know someone might not be nervous to publicly speak you're like oh thank god this is not going to be the worst fucking speech i've ever heard yes so then it kind of sets the expectation yes people are expecting it yeah no you're you're absolutely right i so i have a couple high level thoughts and you guys can go off it but i already told hank i think this i think you have to keep it like five minutes or less i think anyone who goes longer than that is people don't mean every woman yeah well i didn't say that you did yes i did say though i was like i look make sure you go out the science backs it up well that's true what ryan just said you got to remember that you're not the star of the show you got to remember that the stars of this show are actually the uh the bride's dad and then her maid of honor they're going to go super long yeah yeah you're probably gonna go on after the maid of honor your job is like people at that point are looking around like when can i go back to the bar yeah it's three to five minutes i the biggest thing though you can't have notes yeah i think you have to speak from i think the notes make you freaked out but you the guy who goes up with i've i've seen some really bad ones uh think Think how nervous people are.
They're not as seasoned as you are. There's one friend that's listening right now that's going to know exactly I'm talking about his wedding.
But he brought like cue cards and it was he forgot to mention the bride, which you can't. You have to mention the bride.
Have to. But I think no notes is the way to go.
I think you have to prepare notes and then don't use them. Correct.
Correct. But you have to.
The worst thing you could possibly do is be the winged guy. No, you can't be the winged guy.
And then that is an absolute disaster. So prepare the speech, but then don't.
If you're up there reading notes. Yeah.
You lose already because everyone's like, wait, you need notes for this? Like you got to be. It's got to be because people will be like, oh, wow, you really spoke from the heart.
It's like, well, I did practice it. But yeah, you're right.
I think it's a pretty simple formula for the most part. Yeah, Hank? Go up.
Is there a formula of like, you know, old anecdote from when we were kids? Yes. Things he's taught me.
Yeah. Yes.
Bride. He's a better person than me.
That's usually a good one to be like, you know, like I've always looked up to him and then a weird phase but you know he's out of it yeah no don't do the don't that's don't do the the one thing you can screw up and a lot of people do it is they do like the bride add-on at the end they're like everything i said about you like and it's your your wife too like yeah you got to have a story about the bride yeah the way to get around that is you you talk you find the things about your brother that you appreciate about him that you don't have and then you can say like this is what i've always looked up to him for and then at the end well then also include one story about a time he got into trouble and then everybody will laugh at that and then not too much trouble yeah exactly you have to be careful yeah you have to edit it a little bit you can't be like oh i remember that time that he got bussed with a hooker in acapulco no you got to be like you remember that time where we you know we we were uh on a road trip together or something like that and you made the best play like joke around a little bit about stuff but don't make it too serious and then at the end uh say something about how she's so much better than he is yeah because that gets a laugh too where it's like i always thought that you'd marry well but i had no idea that you would out kick your coverage by this far you know like something nice i hate jokes like that yeah yeah that one's tough i'm just saying like this is this is how you got to end it say that she's better than i'm a little bit see i think you got it i think you have to add a story about her that doesn't like you can't the mistake you can make is like you say a poll speech you do four

and a half minutes and in the last 10 seconds you're like oh and also it goes for her you have

to have a story about her what do you say ryan did he ever tell you a story about meeting her

there's got to be something in there about that he met her there had to be a moment that he shared

with you about how he cared for her or just make it up that's what i did for my brother i also have

a total zag because you said you wanted to give him a show and that your brother's quiet oh i

I'm this. It's a dying art ventriloquist.
Yes! And you bring one out, and you say it's your brother, and you talk to him, and ask him questions and tell stories, and because he's shy, you don't even have to be good at it because he doesn't want to talk. He's in front of all these people.
And that's how you play it off. You give your speech through a Vantrilla dummy that you're not even using because your brother's shy.
Just sock puppet. I got another one for you, Hank, that could bring the house down because your close personal friend, Tom Brady, has some time on his hands.
Get him to give him a message. Play that.
I do those for free, you do we'll do it for him yeah that's probably gonna bum people out you know when you're younger a lot of the stuff that you're going through when you're younger is kind of like your own insecurity and I always try to remind this to like people it's like you just remember like the other person you're talking to and all the insecurities you have about yourself pretty good chance they have just as many so just you know go up and talk to the hot girl right you know there's a moment where she doubts herself and maybe that's that night yeah you know and who knows um but i i think it's like a good rule to kind of operate with where you're like you know just remember like the stuff that you second guess yourself you're not the only one doing literally everybody else and even though they're trying as hard as they can to project that they're not having any of those things just like you do just admit that like all right this guy's probably got some weak spots let's go it's it's absolutely true right ryan you're right but i also love that you're the uh the statement boils down to like you can fuck a really hot chick if you try don't give up on yourself that's a little aggressive i meant you know relationship i thought you you're saying links into what PFT said and what I'm saying about caring. Like, a lot of times you, when you're younger, you're like, I don't care about this or this is lame.
It's cool to not care. Yeah, because you don't want to open yourself up to have someone be like, oh, you like that? Yeah.
Look, it's the same thing, too, as, you know, where I went to school, you know, Vermont, smaller school. For whatever reason, you know, there's a ton of boston guys um ton of fairfield county guys and then we'd always be like why are you here when you from arizona but all we did was make fun of each other that's all we did so like the only way you could keep up not that this is like oh wow that was the college where college guys made fun of each other all the time but like i remember carrying it into our 20s and i would just be like ripping on everybody all the time and then you're like wait you know who's probably not a great time to hang out with a guy who makes fun of everybody for everything and it wasn't i don't know if what it was it was just what i was used to right i remember talking to my buddies being like hey do you have like weird moments at work and a couple of guys are like oh my god like i had to stop doing that a couple years ago like i almost fired.
And what I'd say is that there are these moments, you know, like when you're in your 20 and you think you have, like this is a bigger thing. Like I'll use the hangover theory on this one.
Like when you're hungover, you know, big night with the boys and it goes away like on Tuesday, it fucking goes away. Right.
It goes away. It doesn't feel like it's going to go away and you're like, should I take a foreign language? You know, maybe I finally learned an instrument this get back on the dating apps you know I need to change things up and by Tuesday you're like what a fucking weirdo I was for 36 hours right what what was that right did you write a poem or something you fucking weirdo yeah so it goes away I'd say that you can expand life out that way because all of these little moments all these little things and I think this is you know we're all kind of around the age and obviously I'm older than you guys but you start to learn like almost none of it ever fucking mattered.
None of it. That all of it kind of goes away and that's the one thing that I still try to now that I know that when I'm dealing with something in the moment you're like you know this is going to mean almost nothing like this is going to be completely insignificant and even though you're consumed by it today you know that later on meant fucking dick.
Yep. And it's hard to learn that until you go through it enough.
But I would just keep hammering it over and over again. Like as you're aging and you're getting a bit older, it's a great feeling when you start to be like, hey, I want to be an asshole to everybody.
But I also am like not going to worry about this stuff as much because it's not as significant on the path of the bigger stuff. Yeah.
The world keeps on. When you keeps on moving it's a freeing thought and you're like oh this is not yeah not everybody is thinking about me nobody really cares do you want to do any any little life facts yeah let's start it off like that last time yeah yeah so start us off pft okay oh yeah we actually just talked about this briefly on the ride over here started in the last, like, three, four years to put my clothes away at hotel rooms when I know I'm going to be staying there for, like, four days.
That's good. Three or four days.
I don't live out of the suitcase. I set up the kitchen sink or the bathroom sink with, like, all the shit that I need out there.
Never done it. Really? You've never unpacked at a hotel? Oh, it feels great.
I've lived in hotels, too. And then you call the hotel home.
Like, let's go back home. It does.
It feels really good. You wake up, and in the morning, you go to your drawer, and you pull it out, and you're like, I know where everything is.
It's like a little mini home. Hang up your shit.
It's the best. I've hung up stuff.
I had one for bachelor parties. Get up early one morning and clean the whole place you're the king for the whole weekend there's that one guy like if you get a house if you'd make the effort because there's it's always that like who's cleaning everyone knows the asshole who doesn't do anything if you're just like one morning you're like all right i'm getting up and like everyone's gonna get up and and they're going to see the whole place is clean.
You now have like basically checked off your I've done something to help the crew here. To expand on that, I think just the the every so often grand gesture in general is a great play.
Right. The the like selectively picking up the tape.
You're someone that doesn't have a lot of money and and, you know, that you can't you can't not pick up the tab every single time one time when you're at like maybe a mid-tier restaurant you're not out the really fancy place with all the friends you're like you know what guys i got this one and then they'll remember it forever yes like that was a trick i pulled with my my rich friends once they got to the nba and they'd come back i would try like one once every like two years i would pick up the tab and they would all look at me like what the fuck like you know and then I feel like in my mind I've positioned myself unlike all those other mooches over here like I'm trying I'm doing my best and I don't know it also is like if you are in a spot where you've made you know some money and you have people you're working with you haven't like doing the little things of like picking up lunch, doing shit like that. Like it actually, it matters.
You know what I mean? And like people, I also am a big believer in like if you do, if you're in a spot where you're whatever job you're in and you have people that do a really like good job helping you be better, you have to make sure that you take care of them. I heard a story once that Saban, he has everyone over at his house, like everyone, literally like ball boys, like everyone who has anything to do with the program, and everyone gets a huge Christmas bonus.
And it's like from every person down the line, and it's like that type of thing. If you're in a spot where you have the ability to do that it means a lot to people and you don't want to be the guy who doesn't do that who was it that we're talking to that had like matt lafleur over and he thought he was going to a party but brian kelly yeah yeah but that's that's right yeah yeah yeah your guy brian kelly and he was he was with sala right he's just the ballets he was cooler guy.
That story's so bad, I almost can't believe it's true. Apparently, Kelly invited Sala and LaFleur over, and they thought they were going to a Christmas party, and instead they stayed outside and parked cars.
They parked cars for them, yeah. But little shit like that, it's like there's...
I don't even know. I don't know.
That's so bad. It's true.
But there is like... You have to take care of people that are...
No, but there's a bigger thing than what you're saying. And you're right.
You're totally right. And, you know, you may not learn it until a little bit later.
You know, you also have to be the person that's in position. Like, look, early on, Van Pelt paid for every dinner.
Right. Okay.
He just knew. He was going to pay for everybody.
He was going to take care of everybody. And I get to a certain point where it's like, hey, let me grab a check here.
Like, I know it's your move. Yep.
But let me grab one. Just like Ty was talking about.
Like, it's almost like, you know, i remember like dating somebody when i was younger and she didn't have any money i didn't have any money and i paid and then like once a month she'd be like i got it and it meant the world to me it's a good point the reverse and i've had other people i've hung out with where they had money and they they wouldn't fucking cross the street for 10 bucks then they'd ask me for it instead you know you're just like look it's just little but i think what you're saying is like i'll get all these life advice emails about well we had the bill was this and then after this vacation ended up being all these different things and it can sound like well hey you guys are now older and you've made some money you're more dismissive and i'm like look we just spent all this time talking about how hard it was to make friends and to meet friends when you're older and stuff. And some of you fucking guys want to argue over $75 from a fucking bachelor party weekend where you're ready to tour.
And I get like, hey, there is a guy in the group that always thinks he's winning by not kicking in money. And it fucking sucks.
And the only thing you can do is just keep hammering him on it when he keeps doing it all the time and that's his role in the friend group but don't be so like ready to go on some of the money stuff where it's like you realize like some of the stuff you guys are going to lose lifelong friends over 50 or 75 you know look if somebody keeps doing it like i said i can understand it being an issue but i can't believe how many emails we get. And you're just like, all right, you want to start cutting guys off because of happy hour after fucking, at 26 years old, go ahead.
But you're going to regret it. I would encourage people to call for more meetings.
Now that I've been out in L.A. for a couple of years, people love fucking meeting.
They love telling you who you could meet with, and they'll set up a meeting meeting I would say you should take that back to like the Midwest Midwest sensibilities maybe Northeast, Pacific Northwest American Southwest Turquoise shout out Turquoise if you're at the office or you're 23 start asking people to meet you do feel important when you got oh, I've got a meeting. Yeah.
I'll still never forget this one intern emailed

Greeny. This guy was out of control.

He was the most aggressive intern I've ever seen in my

entire life. He would just start emailing guys

on the corporate email to be like,

would like to set aside some time with you for like

30 minutes or whatever. And Greeny

was like, do I know? And he would

leave the voice. I was like, why do I have a

lunch at 1045 with... Did I agree to this? And he was so confused.
Then it happened to Van Pelt. Van Pelt one time was like, who the fuck is this guy? And this intern was just running around ESPN, just booking meet.
And he would actually, like, he would phrase it in a way that was vague. So it wasn't like, do you want to meet? Because that's a no.
It would be like, was hoping to follow through on the time I'd set aside. And you're like, what the fuck is going on? So again, that guy went a little too hard with it.
And then once everybody kind of figured him out, I think he got a talking to. Because it was like, hey, I don't think Chris Fowler is going to meet with you anytime soon.
I don't know. Chris Fowler wouldn't meet with me, but don't be afraid to maybe,

you know,

Hey,

like to follow up on something you said here and take that LA sensibility and

apply that to other places.

I like that off of that too.

You,

my favorite thing to do.

And I think most people know this,

but like maybe like the first week of December is the perfect time to be like, let's touch base after new year's and just fucking push everything. Like you can start that like the day after Thanksgiving, like, like, you know what? Let's save this for after new year's.
Hollywood doesn't do vacations. They shut down like seasonally.
I'll be like, Hey, Hey, can you get this in? And I'm like, why do I have to even be like, wow be like wow you know people are gonna pick it back around february 12th you're like what the meeting thing is good though it really does make you feel important you're like let's have a meeting yeah let's talk about this like the meat okay we now welcome on a very very very special guest long time coming it is the schwamm boomer ch Berman. You know, the natural thing that you would say if somebody was doing the squealed pig play, that would be a whoop situation.
Yes. No, no, no, no.
Rumbling, bumbling, stumbling, and fumbling would be part of it. The whoop came from Barry Sanders.
Ooh. Okay.
So it came as a whoa. There is no other way way to describe Barry's I think his ankles were bionic.
Tommy and I both think this because he there's no way you could swivel as a human being like this. And so that was the whoop that was more Barry's moves that come from Barry Sanders.
He's the impetus for that.

Now it's anybody that kind of does that.

Yes, now because the sound, I get stopped all the, like 15, 20, like say it.

They go nuts.

So now I've moved it to the squeal picnic, but it was started with Barry Sanders

and, of course, a Lamar Jackson type of player you would do it with. But that's where it came from, out of respect for Barry.
So what is the secret to a good whoop? I've heard you hit somewhere. It bounces off the back wall and comes back.
Was it McKissick? Yes. It was like down at the right somewhere early in the year.
It was against the Falcons. It was like early October or something.
You let out this whoop that I swear. Oh, yeah.
You could hear it. It bounced off the back wall of the studio and came back to you.
Yeah. I heard it twice in Highlight.
I was inspired by his leap. Like, he took a five-yard.
It was like someone trying to do the pole vault, you know, in the Olympics. Like, you can run on a long way to take this leap.
It wasn't just a little leap because the tackler went low. I don't even think the tackler went that low.
He's a low guy. Yeah.
So he went. It was at halftime, right? Yep.
So it was the first real whoop of the season that I could crank out on a halftime play. I do think of that every now and then.
Early in the year, let's put more ingredients in it a little bit. You got to warm up the pipes, right? You got to warm it up first.
Yeah, it was not the first part. It was like two minutes in.
You got to pry the pump a little bit. So do you open up your chest? Is it from the diaphragm? Just like McKissick did.
I took a running leap running leap yeah it is i mean even you doing those little whoops for barry sanders like we do it but when you do it it's like oh yeah but you're doing it you like it yeah but like the way you just did that the little public domain like it's not the same it's only you we also love the the raiders i try to do the raiders when we run the scores back i do as much as i as i can do a good job i've heard it thank you so much that means the world to me uh but when i do it i feel like it takes my my entire body about two minutes to recover from it i don't know if that's something does it hurts yeah well that really is it's again it's taken on a life of its own but and everybody loves that. And Scott, of course, Van Pelt runs it.
I mean, he has my best couple, and he has it on a button. Even if they're not playing, I think he presses it.
It was really an ode to Al Davis who really liked us. This is Al's voice in the 80s when I met him first first couple times.
You know why I root for ESPN? Because you're the underdog. Just like that.
Okay. And the Raiders.
And they were winning all the time then. Of course, you heard him all the other Raiders.
So that's really an ode to Al. So a lot of these are ode to Barry Al.
But the Raiders now everybody loves that again. That's great.
That's a Louis Tiant wind up. Okay.
That's a Raiders. Right.
Yeah. You're just taking batting practice.
I haven't had a sip of water in a half an hour. Yeah.
So I'll be ready the next time you ask me about the Raiders. So, all right.
So the whoop, the Raiders, we got to do circle the wagons because that's, I mean, that picture too of you holding the big Bills jersey. Well.
And we're honorary members of Bills Mafia. We love the city of Buffalo.
We love Josh Allen. But there's just something about no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.
It just... Well, that team in the late 80s and 90s were...
I mean, they never won a Super Bowl, but they only wanted to go to four straight. So say no more.
And it's Hall of Famers and obviously Jim Kelly and Andre Reid and Thurman Thomas and Bruce Smith and, you know, they may have others. And Cornelius Bennett was a great player.
We could go on Marv. Marv Levy's in the Hall of Fame.
Bill Pulliam, one of the great executives of all times in the Hall of Fame. Ralph Wilson, the owner, is in the Hall of Fame.
And it's Buffalo. Right.
You know, other than Green Bay, it's about the smallest now. I mean, it's the Bills.
And this is the city in western New York. They asked for nothing.
I started picking them in 88. They were horrible for the whole decade.
They thought I was out of my mind. They started 4-0, and I got to the championship game and lost to the Bengals.
I actually thought these Bengals, except they've now gone to the Super Bowl, reminded me of the 88 Bills. Like, I wasn't sure they were going to get past Kansas City, but they have already announced, we're here for a while.
Like, we're really good. You know, I actually said that.
So I forget what game it was, and I just cranked it out on primetime. No one, you know, looking right in the camera, no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.
And it became a war chant. Even the years they were terrible.
I mean, up until Josh here and Coach McDermott, et cetera, Not a lot of great, right? But it just became so much fun. And I don't want to do this, but I guess I will tell the story since you brought it up.
So if you're a rock and roll singer, let's say, because I saw Billy Joel in Fenway, and then you're singing Piano Man, and everybody knows the words, right? He played at Wrigley. He played all these places, any arena.
And you get halfway through, and then you lay out, and you hear, if you're Billy Joel, like hear them sing every word. And he's like, oh my, oh my, oh my God.
Like this is... So when Thurman Thomas had his number retire, it was only about four years ago.
It was on a Monday night, and they asked me if Thurman did, would I come up in the Bills?

It's a quick, I'm going to speak real quick.

Someone else is going to say something for a minute.

Thurman's going to speak.

It's halftime.

And I got up for 20 seconds.

I mean, again, the place is packed.

They're playing the Patriots when the Patriots still beat them a lot.

They played well that night, Buffalo.

They weren't ready yet, you know.

I think Josh was a rookie, okay. So I think, yeah, he was.
And I said, okay, Buffalo, you know where we're going here. We're doing it on three and like this, and there's 70,000.
I went, no one. And then I stopped.
And I heard, circles, the records, like the Buffalo Bills. Wow.

That's Billy Joel singing Piano Man.

It was really.

My relationship.

In my 43 years.

The relationship that I've ended up by accident. Because I'm on ESPN and the Bills.

And it's Buffalo.

And the players.

The team.

The organization. The players.
And the city. 30 years later.
It's the most rewarding relationship I've gotten through my job. They're great people.
They're great people. We've experienced.
They ask nothing. They ask for nothing.
Yeah. Every time we go, it's like this place.
One thing I wrote down that I have to bring up. We're a big fan of yours all around big fan of your golf game as well love the wide brim hats has has anybody ever told you like maybe don't wear a gray shirt when you're going to be out in the 95 degree sun yeah sweating i sweated at 12 okay so it's a i sweated a long time ago before I was well.
I'm better. You know, I lost a lot of weight now.
But, I mean, again, it's the Titanic losing a few deck chairs. So they're floating right out there right now.
So gray, I never wore gray. No, it's always colorful.
but I mean, if it's warm and hot and you got a carnation shirt you know or a nice sharp purple shirt look I if you've ever come to my studio which now I mean I'm only but back in the day three hours you know countdown even in September the camera people had to wear a jacket you You can hang meat in there because I sweat in an igloo.

I run pretty hot, too.

No, good shirts.

Hawaiian shirts hide a lot of stuff.

Yes, they do.

It's like a magic eye poster.

That would be rough.

But I wear black shirts.

Right, but not on a golf course when it's 88.

Yes.

Can we tell you something funny that you probably have no idea about that's a very weird... You're going to think we're stalkers.
Your suit cleaner in Connecticut had a signed poster of you. Is it the grid father? We have that in our studio.
He gave it to us. I can send you as many as you want.
We have that one from your dry cleaner because his son is a huge fan of ours. That's very funny.
And he said, I've had this. My dad's done the Schwam suits for 30 years.
I want you guys to have it. It's sitting in our studio.
It's up. That's very funny.
Every single time you come in, it's right there. I have plenty of them.
They're supposed to print 400 20 years ago. There's 4,000, so I haven't gotten rid of all those.
Okay, yeah. They're in the basement.
But that guy, I mean, your dry cleaner's got a- The grid father. We made it look- The grid father.
There's even a knuckle ring. There's everything.
It's Pacino-ish. Yeah, but your dry cleaner, he's probably had to do some work with the sweat.
Oh, yeah. And some was like, just sorry, I tried my best.

All right, so this has been incredible.

We got to wrap – I mean, we don't want to take, you know, your entire life here,

but we got to do your best nicknames.

What are your best nicknames? What are the ones that you, you know, at the end of the day, it's like, oh, that one.

Because we have some of yours that we love.

Oh, I want to hear those, but – so are we going football?

All right. Whatever you want to do.
Well, we'll do football last. Because that's kind of, I mean, so baseball, a lot of them now will predate even so much you guys because I'm going to the ones that because the 80s, I did 10 sports centers a week.
We all did. Bob Lee did.
Tommy Meeves did. John Saunders.
Today's John's birthday. We lost him what, five years ago, six years ago? Great.
We could go on and on. All the guys.
We did 10 shows a week. Doesn't make us heroes, but hey, we're a network, but we have one-fourth of the staff, so you okay to do the next show? Well, I did the last.
Yeah, we got another one. Go ahead.
So, to baseball all the time.

So, the best, I'll go right to that, Burt Blylovin,

because that's B-Home Blylovin.

Yeah.

Because you don't have to – see, a lot of these nicknames are,

you don't have to know, A, he's a pitcher.

B, he pitches for the Twins or the Pirates or whoever. C, he has a curveball.
Got him into the Hall of Fame. You are a kid, and you heard from your parents, be home by 11.
And as a parent, you've told your kid, be home by 11. You don't have to be a genius to figure these out.
Right. So that's probably the best.
I mean, the early ones are baseball. Jose, can you see? Cruz, Julio, won't you let me take you on a seat? Cruz, a lot of them were from rock and roll, Vaughn, Purple, Hayes.
A couple that stuck, and I just saw him last month, Crime Dog McGriff. That stuck with him.
Doggy. Like, every player calls him doggy.
He loves it. He's such a good guy.
Certainly borderline Hall of Famer. Didn't touch a thing, and he hit almost 500 home runs, by the way.
Yep. Chuck Knobloch is one of my favorites.
New kids on Knobloch. Yeah.
And he liked it, too, even when he didn't make the throw correctly. Yep.
Oh, now I'm – Roberto, remember the Alomar? History movie. Yep, I love that one.
I mean, food. There was a movie – not food, but George Taco Bell.
I mean, like that with Toronto. Like, food.
Everyone knows what Taco Bell is. You don't have to know he plays for Toronto.
That's the best part of him.

And it's, did I really hear that?

And even if I get a chuckle out of him, it's even more.

So what do you have baseball? So one of my favorite baseball ones is Miguel Tejada.

Very good.

See, I'm going to, I don't forget these.

Tejada they come, Tejada they fall, right?

The best.

I mean, it's, right? Jimmy Cliff. The best.
Oh, man. So I'm going too far back.
I'm trying to think of. We can go to football, too.
Football is incredible. Oh, football is a ton.
Yeah. So football, the best ones are those you can deliver under the highlights.
You can sing with them. We've resurrected Lito Shepard this year with Debo, you know, which is boss gags.
Debo, whoa, it's the Lito Shuffle, one of the great wind-up songs of all time. We used to do it for Lito Shepard, defensive back Philadelphia.
The GM of the Niners, John Lynch, texted me like a month ago, Debo, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, you know, and I've known Lynch since he played, of course.
But so when Steve Bono would go back to pass and complete it, you could go to do-do, do-do. I got you, babe, on a completion, right? Yeah.
You could go... So Elvis Gerback.
Again, these are all plenty right now. If Elvis went back and was going to be sacked, caught in a trap, you know? I mean, okay, Mark Bolger.
Remember him with the Rams? Yeah, that's the Scarecrow. Ray Bolger, right? So he'd go back to that.
If I could only find a receiver, you know. And then the Kickers had a lot of them.
Including David Greenacres and the vet, they used to play the theme from the TV set, but this is old. So now, and the guy that should be a head coach is Eric sleeping with B enemy.
Yep. You know, he should be.
And that was really, Curtis, my favorite, Martin. Martian was a TV show.
Obscure. Good for this audience.
Do you remember Steelers, primarily fullback Chris Mafala? Yes. Fumatu Mafala.
Yes. We called him Chris Fumatu Bad Mafala.
And then Tommy would chime in because that came out of Shaft. It was like, you know, can you dig it? Can you dig it? Shut your mouth.
We throw those in too. We'll throw in like the Teej going back with the boom.
I know that. You're absolutely right, Beth.
No, so now. Okay, now.
Yeah, you're missing a couple of my absolute favorites. Who's in the Super Bowl? Who's in the Super Bowl? So I'm going quick with Joe Mixon match.
It's okay. It's not great.
It's okay. But I'm thinking it's Bengals.
I can give you one for the Bengals if you want. Go ahead, please.
So Joe Burrow throws a pass to Jamar Chase. Burrow and Chase hide and seek.
It works. Hide and seek.
Hide and seek. Or you could go, what do we do for Joe Burrow? Do we do like- January Joe.
All systems Joe. Yeah.
Which is what it is. Think about it.
Yeah.

Two years ago, he won the national title, and now he can win the Super Bowl.

Yep.

Two years ago, he sat in the box with us at the Super Bowl.

Yeah.

Now he's playing it.

He might win.

It's crazy. Good for him.

But why am I – I mean, we have – oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

The Chuba Missile Crisis. Yeah.
The Chuba Missile Crisis. I'm trying to think of this year.
Yeah. Oh, there's a lot.
Go ahead. Well, I mean, Jake DeLome.
Huh? Jake DeLome is one of my all-time favorites. Daylight come, and you got a DeLome.
Yeah. You got a DeLome.
You got a DeLome. That's right.
And then John Kitna was my other favorite that you always do. Well, yeah.
Well. Go ahead.
Kitna Caboodle? Yes. Yeah.
Okay. okay i mean i hadn't thought of him in a while yeah i know but that's i love those look at a lot of them a lot of the kickers um and i yeah i think it was uh with jeff feagles jeff philadelphia feagles which is like so it's so easy but it's just so funny to say because he's playing for the giants and you're're like, Jeff Philadelphia, the Eagles.
When they work, when they're from where they're from. Like Royce Clayton was a shortstop with the Giants.
Royce Aroney Clayton. The San Francisco treat, you know? But Jeff not Fiegel's, Jay Feeley who TV now.
So I would do the who for that one. On ones.
See me feel he and you like to sing right? Have you sung the anthem or something? Yeah when we do our boxing. That's a hard song.
It is. It is.
Bob Seger and Huey Lewis and the other Stephen Stills. It's really cool that and what you guys are finding.
Yes, you have your hardcore audience that did sports and all, but you meet people from all over America, Canada, etc. White, black, old, young who like, hey, we're football fans, for example.
And sports has allowed me and us to meet you guys, frankly. You like football.
We like football. I like football.
No, we like football. I like football.
Let's have a meal. It's a perfect ending.
You want to talk football? Some spread. From a commercial.
We have our very favorite, probably one of our top three favorite guys that is in the Pardon My Take universe. It is Tim Woods on the show for a special edition of Dungeons & Dragons where we are going to have this whole episode will be an entire adventure.
And we have added the biggest nerd in the office in Nick Turrani. That's fair to say.
Hot seat Jake. Yeah, so it's going to be an incredible experience.
We're going to start fresh because we know we've done a bunch of Dungeons & Dragons episodes where the first hour of the episode was us recapping what happened in the last one. So we're like, fuck it.
Let's just start fresh. Let's do an extended version all in one episode.
I am so excited. Tim, take it away.
Absolutely. It is so good to be here.
Great to be back. It's been a while, and I'm so excited for us to dive back into D&D.
I think it's also going to be great that we're starting fresh. The adventure that I have planned for us today is a classic.
It is known as Lost Minds of Phandelver. It is one of the most well-known D&D

adventures, and it is, in fact,

the one that we started playing

but only did a little bit of before we

turned upon each other and killed each other.

So now I think we're actually going to do...

That was so long ago!

Absolutely.

Are you going to drink those beers, or are they just for show?

I actually should. They're getting heavy on my head.

Go ahead, drink them. Crack them on.

Gotta lighten up that encumbrance.

Okay, Hank's cracking the beers. Let's do it, though.

I'll see you next time. Drink those beers or are they just for show? I actually should.
They're getting heavy on my head. You should drink them.
Go ahead. Drink them.
Crack them on. Gotta lighten up that encumbrance.
Okay. Hank's cracking the beers.
Let's do it, though. Absolutely.
And in fact, our story begins with a little bit of drinking, as it were. Here we go.
We're currently at dinner and drinks are being served because, of course, they always are being served at a dwarven merchant's house. We are at the home of one Gundren Rockseeker.
He's a dwarven merchant, one of the three Rockseeker brothers, and the first things they serve in his house are always the drinks first, food second. Sounds like a second priority.
Sounds like a crackhead. Bill Cosby's house.
Makes him strong. And I'll just say that Wayne the Bard,

just a reminder as to who our characters are,

Wayne the Bard, you are also a dwarf.

So I'm going to say that's probably how you know Gundren Rockseeker already.

As a dwarf in the city of Neverwinter,

you are part of that dwarven community.

Right, but like dwarves,

it's not because I'm short, right?

No, it's not just because you're short.

It's because dwarves tend to congregate together. They're very close-knit families and clans.
And they are always hanging out together. A lot of dwarves in Neverwinter know each other and are part of this thriving community.
The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town, absolutely.
And Norm the Barbarian. That's me.
You are a human. And in theory, in the thriving city of Neverwinter, you're even rarer than a dwarf.
Because most of the barbarians live out in Neverwinter woods, which is full of werewolves and witches and all kinds of monsters. You are making maybe one of your rare visits to the city of Neverwinter.
Mainly because Gungeon Rockseeker has offered you money for a job. I'm like the kid that Bleacher Report posts, like the seventh grader who's seven feet, and he's just dunking on a bunch of five-foot kids.
Okay. Yeah, that's me right now.
Absolutely. Though you are younger than Gundren, you are significantly larger than him.
As a barbarian, you are muscled and strong and very much stand a good twice the height of Gundren when you are standing. This kid's going to be a problem in 2030.
Absolutely. Never is.
Yeah, never is. Always like, nope, he was just taller than everyone.
He's got the natural talent, but you've got to level it up, of course. You're going to learn how to play center in seventh grade, and then you're never going to grow, and you're going to be like 6'3".
Yeah. No ball skills whatsoever.
Clumsy as fuck. Yeah.
Okay. It's a good analogy for a barbarian because whereas you don't focus on the strategy of fighting, you just rush right in and have all that natural rage that is carrying you through.
You know, you said something about drugs and he forgot about that. He is just focused.
He spilled all the beans about this map instead. Can we ask him if he knows where to get some drugs, though, just for tonight? He says, I mean, I do.

And he pulls it out of one of his

bags, this pouch.

Not for me, by the way.

I've got some pipe leaf

here, if that's what you need.

We can break this out.

Listen, I just ask you, keep it away

from Gundren, because if he starts

blazing this tonight, he's never gonna leave.

He's just gonna hang out, and the next thing I know,

I'll be the one tying him onto his pony

to get him out the city gate.

It's going to be a whole mess. Right.
Got it. Facts.
I smelled the weed and I called the guards. Make a perception check if you wish to smell what is in the pouch.
This would be a d20 roll for you. Yeah, I gotta, is this mid-leaf? some long bottom leaf right here with a persuasion of plus six and 19 i'm gonna say you don't know where it's coming from this house but you are catching a whiff and i don't like it of some dank pipe leaf I mean, in one bit.
Real dang leaf. Straight gas.
And as a paladin of protection, you certainly, like, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Like, this is...
I'm hearing it. Against the law.
Wow. What? I'm a pussy.
The laws of Neverwinter strictly state that pipe leaf use is regulated, but, you know, the law enforcement isn't really cracking down on it that much anymore it's not that big a deal just throwing this out here I think we should smoke cake out I think we should make cake get hot you should sample it Tim they made me do dip a few months ago oh no oh gosh that was bad he does love the long cut yeah and I had to take my shirt off at a hockey game and wear fake boobs. Okay.
I suppose that was step one, then step two of the old alley-oop process. Just get him high real quick.
Just take one hit, Cake. Certainly, we would have the opportunity.
Gundren is ready to break out just tobacco pipe leaf. And if somebody were do a little switcheroo it might take a little while before somebody realized that they were not in fact smoking tobacco pipe leaf alright let's do it so you've got the sticky icky right now I gave him some before we walked in.
Absolutely. In real life.
There you go. Absolutely.
I'll say, Wayne, right now, you've just been given some by Sildar. The other characters, I'll say of all the other characters, it would be Norm and Ehrlich, who would be the most likely to just be starting play with a little bit of their own pipeweed.
You certainly have a large pouch of some that Sildar has just given you, hoping that you won't say more about what you know at this point to Gundren. I won't say anything, but I do want him to smoke it.
Absolutely. When you get back, I'm going to say dinner's done.
Gundren is packing pipes, wooden pipes for everybody, of some of the finest tobacco. This has got like cigars in his mind that he is passing around to everybody.
Do you want to do anything as Cake is about to receive his wooden pipe of tobacco? I'd like to put on some cool music. Oh, absolutely.
Jake, what's up? Now, putting... Oh, actually, you can literally do what you're saying because you can either break out an instrument to play it or you could create an illusion of your favorite music.

Yeah, I want to do Hologram Tupac.

Absolutely. An actual

incubus.

Dwarves are historically

not very friendly to

people who have killed their

brothers, and they are very tight.

Okay, so here's what we do. Yeah, we didn't kill his brother.

Not yet, certainly. We should kill him.

We should take his penis and bring it with us to Phandalin and go to his brothers and

be like, and look what we got, your brother's dick, and then we kill him.

Let's cut off the head so they see the dick is detached.

Oh, yeah.

Good call.

Good call.

I would be prepared to say they may not recognize that body part on site.

They're brothers.

So a head is going to be much more recognizable. They used to take baths together.
I could name everyone's cock in here. No problem.
What do my flaws come into play? Your flaws are yours to decide. There are some advised flaws here and personality traits, but you get to decide whether those are true or not.
Those are just recommended choices. I have an insatiable desire for carnal pleasures.
This is a fact about the human palliative that he wrestles with this carnal pleasure apparently. I'm so afraid of death I need to get one more lay in.
Absolutely, yes. I'm gonna try to fuck cake.
Okay, absolutely. You are feeling overcome by your carnal desire.
I'm gonna ask when you say you are trying to fuck cake, do you mean you are just trying to approach him right now and do this, or you're trying to convince him? This is a good idea. Convince him.
I'm trying to get consent for fucking. I would like to know, number one, what you're saying, but number two, what your persuasion skill is.
Oh, wow, you're very persuasive. You have a plus six on this.
You're a handsome man. I turn into a cartoon wolf, and my tongue rolls out of my mouth.
Yes, absolutely. I use the tuna can lid to get it back in.
Absolutely. You're kind of seeing ahead of you, Cake is getting spells at the ready.
Yeah, he is. It looks hot.
His ass is jiggling in that robe. He knows what he's doing.

Absolutely.

What are you going to say to Cake?

Combat has just broken out.

And you're fucking.

I'm going to bite my bottom lip and just say, wow.

That's actually very good.

That's all you say.

100%. Make a persuasion check.

Seven.

I thought it was a one.

With a plus six. That is not as bad as it could have been a one would have been very good right now honestly uh but at 13 i'm gonna say with a 13 i will not force cake to make a wisdom saving throw it's not seductive enough that he is in that position but cake i will ask, how are you responding to this sort of advance?

So he wants to have sex with me?

It's clear what he's doing is biting

his bottom lip and just saying, wow.

And it's enough that you can tell it's directed at you.

It was provocative enough you looked

back and you saw the look on his face.

Just let him give you a head. Don't be a prude.

You know,

I can't lie about what's going on. Something's going on downstairs.
So now I will ask if that is the case. Are you trying to hide this and play hard to get or? Yeah.
I don't know if I have the balls to do that. So I'm just going to straight up tell him.
It's true. Charisma is not your strong suit.
And so it'd be hard for you to hide the feelings that you're having right now i tell him the truth straight up absolutely what do you tell him i tell him let's do it absolutely 100 i'm gonna roll for the goblins real quick and the goblins are like what the fuck is going on down there they immediately understand there's some arousal going on here and they are like so thrown off their game. Immediately you hear, I think someone here does speak goblin.
I think it would be the barbarian. You can tell that the goblins are saying, wait, do we still fight them? And the other goblins are like, yes, I don't know what they're doing right now.
And the goblins are getting disadvantaged on any attack rolls they do because they're so thrown off their game. It's like they're a little into it.
I think we're attacking the wrong group. These guys are just in love.
Norm, I'm sorry to say you just got critical hit by what you think is a ghoul. And this ghoul is hitting you with its claws.
so I'm going to need you to make a constitution saving throw as the ghouls claws hit you. Plus six I believe you have because you're quite good at this.
Four. Oh I'm sorry to say with a ten that is not gonna be enough.
prostitution destroyed Norm I'm so sorry to say, with a 10, that is not going to be enough. Prostitution destroyed.
Norm, I'm so sorry to say that since you weren't able to rage because there were no enemies around to rage against at the moment, and I'm so sorry to say that you just took 18 damage from the claws of the ghoul. They leap up to you.
He starts throttling you and digging your claws in. And that was the bad part.
Here's the worst part. As the claws dig into your neck, you start to feel your muscles locking up.
You are paralyzed by the claws of the ghoul. They're gonna have to push you around and you're fat as fuck.
That means that as you're getting paralyzed, the ghoul's looking around. He's going to turn to Brand.
Someone help me. It has one more attack and it wanted to do that bite attack against somebody else to like try to take on another ally.
Except when you get paralyzed, the ghoul's instincts kick in. It loves when people get paralyzed because then it can feast slowly.
Oh, no. And it's going to bite you because it has advantage on this attack roll now that you're paralyzed.
Venge my death. That's going to be a 21 to hit you, I'm sorry to say.
Oh, gosh. That means he gets critical hit damage for the bite attack as well.
But he's rolling bad on this so far. Okay, he stopped that.
Nine so far. Ten plus two, another twelve points of damage.
So Norm, you've taken thirty damage in all from this ghoul. Can Greg touch my balls again? You can't walk? Certainly.
The days have passed, and so in theory your healing is back up to full now, Greg. So you could get healed again.
And then the last bit of bad news after the ghoul does his attack again. What? The worst news.
This isn't quite as bad news because nobody's attacking you right now, at least. But the two other ghouls in the room look up from the bones that they are chompingping on And they just turn in that scary way and start rushing over the beds leaping from bed to bed Towards norm and the others where my bro Ehrlich you hear all of this and so all of you can now roll into initiative against these ghouls Rose help me, please.
Yeah, I certainly Otherwise, I know you have mage armor is one of your spell shields Oh, I do have the shield. You got the shield spell that's gonna be very helpful.
I was just gonna pee in this bottle I was too, but I wanted to ask Tim first. Yeah, can I can we pee in our bottles? I'm totally fine I actually just got this one out for that reason Okay, I'm reminded that I have my I'm gonna use as well absolutely and and um yeah so don't look Liam blur out my penis

Jake you are I'm reminded that I have my bottle gear that I'm going to use as well. Absolutely.
Don't look. Liam, blur out my penis.
You are taking up the position against the ghouls. I'm going to roll against you first while they're busy.
And here's the first claw attack against you. I'm so sorry to say the claws of the ghoul as you step forward like bring it on.
It lunges forward and gets a 20 against you. Now, I'm sorry to say that your armor class with the mage armor is 16, but if you were to use shield, that would bring it up to 21.
It only lasts for one turn, but shield would protect you from this claw attack. Are you using a shield against them right now? I'm a little distracted right now.
Same. Did you fill it up? I got a pinch off.
Oh my god. Holy shit.
Hydrated. That's a constitution save right there to pinch off.
Absolutely. Just pee a little on the tire.
So if you'll be safe from the closet. Oh, no, no.
I overflowed. I overflowed.
Yeah. It doesn't hold as much as you think.
You guys have the exact same color piss. It's incredible.
This is guys being dudes. Has anybody ever peed in a game with you before? No, this will be a first.
Love it. I don't know.
What's the strategy here, guys? We're in a lot of trouble. I can heal Norm.
Okay, so should I try to draw the ghouls to me as I make a break for the door and try to put them onto Hank? I don't know. You would be able to do that with either deception or another skill.
Is that too risky? I don't know what else I can do right now. I've got Spells.
I've got Thunder Wave. Thunder Wave can hit all three of these.
Oh, I do have Unseen Servant, too. So I can get Invisible.
I've got an Invisible Friend of my own, Hank. Yes.
How's that sound? So can I use my Unseen Servant? Yes, you could. Okay, to go open up the door and unleash these beasts onto Ehrlich.
The answer to that is, of course, absolutely. Yes.
That is exactly what Unseen Servant can do. So if you spend your action summoning your Unseen Servant, it immediately conjures this invisible air elemental into the air.
You whisper to it, go open that door. It flies over.
Now the only problem is the unseen servant is very weak. I need you to roll a d20 just to make sure he gets this door open.
It's stuck like the door was when we first got it. I just rolled a two.
A two, I'm sorry to say. Is not quite enough.
Especially with the penalty that the unseen servant has. Shut the fuck up.
But, there is something you can do here. Turn your own microphone on.
With your bonus action. No, you're literally almost dead.
No, you're dead. At least I can walk.
Wait, I get a bonus action. Yeah, I get a bonus action, bitch.
You can use your bonus action. You get to use it to inspire one person here, and I would allow that person to be your unseen servant.
If you give your unseen servant inspiration, you get to add a D8 to that, too. Okay.
All right, here we go. And so go ahead and roll a D8.
You inspire your unseen servant. One with eight.
It looks like two pyramids stuck together. Thanks, big cat.
Five. Five is enough! And into the two, you just barely get the door open.
Keep talking that shit. Keep that same energy, Hank, when the door's open.
What do you say to inspire your unseen servant? I do my classic. It's the Draymond talking to Kevin Durant.
I get up in his ear and I'm like, you got this.

You got this.

Absolutely.

You tell him to believe in himself.

I think I'll throw the guy's head with the dick on it and try to get that dick tied around his dick ear.

I'll allow that.

Like an earring.

Yes.

100%.

Go ahead and roll a D20.

Like rats get their tails tied together.

A king dick, as it were.

Yes. Or a dick king, I guess.
Go ahead and roll a d20. Like rats get their tails tied together.
A king dick as it were.

Yes.

Or a dick king I guess.

Yes.

Go ahead and roll a d20.

If you got a dick ear you can definitely hear us coming.

Here we go.

17.

17!

With your attack bonus that is enough that it hits him in the ear and I will let you roll a dexterity saving throw to avoid your ear getting tangled in that.

Oh I got a one

Bitch I dig here with a natural one. It's not just tangled on your ear.
It is in your ear Yeah, it's the new hotness Every podcast has decided they need a quarterback on once a week to make sure that they're... I actually don't know the reasoning behind it.
I think I know the reasoning behind it. It's because Aaron Rodgers did it.
Right. Oh, why don't we call Jared? Oh, yeah, we can call Jared.
All right, all right. Good call, good call good call yeah let's get jared on the pod i've got so many jared's calling me back here we go okay jared what's up dude um we're i don't know if you've noticed but like every podcast is having um a quarterback on every week okay so we want to have um we were gonna have blake on for one question every week but we called me didn't pick up so you're just gonna be on this week for one question is that cool sure all right so you're on right now um or what was our one question our question was going to be do you think queen elizabeth is in heaven oh do you think queen elizabeth is in heaven I hope so Alright Josh my one question Are you him?

I think there's too many hymns right now yeah it's like church there's a lot of them there's a lot of them going around i think uh you know if everybody's great nobody's great so we gotta there's gotta be a new word you know gardner i know that you, you're a tough guy. We we've had you on the show.
You talked about having to break your own hand, um, which was a crazy story. If the doctors were to x-ray your heart, how many dogs do you think would be in there? Man, that's a good question.
Uh, but you know, I don't, I don't know if it's about the number of the dogs, but the size of the heart in the dogs. And my dogs have big hearts.
And so I'd say there's probably about two dogs with very big hearts. Okay.
I like that. It's like the size of the dog in the fight.
You've got small dogs, but if you X-ray them, your dogs have dogs in them. Yeah.
One question with the quarterback, Blake Bortles. My question is, we had a little bit of a discussion,

possibly people reaching out to you to see if you could train, come in,

maybe be a backup.

How are you?

Are you in good shape?

Are you ready to be signed by a team?

Maybe even the Patriots, Hank, is trying to hog all the Blakes.

I did.

I heard Hank mention that the other day, and I appreciate that, Hank.

I have not touched a football since January.

Fuck.

No, I quietly didn't tell anybody.

I retired.

A couple months ago, probably.

Just didn't tell anyone.

So I guess you guys are kind of the first to hear it publicly, maybe.

It's one question with a quarterback. Kirk Kirk we each get one question yourself included my one question is a very important question I saw when you were in London after the game you did the gritty off the field do you think you killed the gritty because I don't's, I don't, it's not cool anymore after you did it.

I haven't seen the tape, so I got to see the tape and then I can give you a better answer. But no, there's room for improvement.
There's always room for improvement. We can all be better, Big Cat, but I got to watch that tape, certainly.
And I would agree that anything that I do is no longer cool. So like when I wear the plaid button down to week one, you know, it looks like I got it from Kohl's.
But if Justin Jefferson wears that same plaid button down to next week's press conference, everybody in Minnesota is buying a plaid button down. So I'm fully aware of that.
And I don't want to do anything to tarnish the gritty it's got a lot of momentum right now so it's probably best if i just stay away from it i hate that you have the self-awareness there because that makes me okay all right that was a good answer that was a good answer to my one question god damn it i don't think minnesota needs any help buying button down flannel shirts i feel like that's why I say it right in. Yeah, we have to be very efficient with these questions

because we only get one.

So I'll just tell people, check out the Joe Burrow Foundation.

I'll give you that plug right off the bat because I'm a nice guy.

My question for you is if you could get one guy for the month of December

and the playoffs, so you're going for the playoffs too to join the Bengals,

between Odell Beckham, LeBron James at tight end, or Harambe is alive again and he's playing defensive end. He's doing a three-man rotation with Trey and Sam Hubbard.
Who are you taking? You got to take Harambe, right? Yeah. I mean, the strength to weight ratio is just way higher than humans.
You got to get after the quarterback in the playoffs.

You have to be able to heat them up.

Like you got to take Josh Allen or Mahomes.

I think the only person that's taking Josh Allen down

is probably a silverback gorilla.

Yeah.

That's, I mean, that's a easy seven sacks a game, I'm sure.

Hey, Matt, Jake Marsh, part of my Take Podcast.

Congratulations on the win this week.

But what's the longest you have gone without having to hear about 28-3? Oh. I'll give the in-season answer.
It's once a week because it's every stadium I go into. Some unoriginal clown comes up and goes with the 28-3 line.
So it's every week in season. But during the off-season, it just depends if I'm back in New England or not.
If I'm up in New England where I went to school where my wife's from, then we'll hear plenty about it. And now you have to reset the counter because Jake just brought it up.
So today, cross our map. Swag, big fan.
How many quarterbacks in the NFL right now do you think that you could start over? 50%. I was going to say higher, but you're a modest guy.
What's up, Kenny? Quick question. What happens when you throw a football without a glove on? Oof.
You know, I do that in the walkthrough, and everybody on the offense is just amazed at how I'm able to do it. So it's not too different, but I managed during the walkthroughs without the gloves.
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Okay, back to the best of.

My cool throne is Jack Niklaus, who rejected us.

Wait, what?

No.

Nicholas.

No.

This is over.

This podcast is done.

Jake is going to have a stroke.

Hold on, hold on.

No one tell him. Jack Niklaus.
Okay. Jack was Nicklaus.
How did you say that? Jack Nicklaus. He said it like Nicklaus.
It took me like two seconds to realize that's who he was talking about. That's why my reaction was delayed.
Oh, my God. On what planet did you? Jack Nicklaus? Where did we find you, Billy? I you billy uh rejected 100 million hundred million dollars through billy stay strong to not go to the saudi golf league shocking uh yeah he rejected all that money because of his morals so cool throwing him wait wait jack nick klaus didn't jack nick klaus was offered millions a hundred million dollars to golf? He's like 90.
I don't know to be the commissioner or something, I believe. Oh, okay.
Yeah, so he didn't pull a... All right, good for Jack Niklaus.
That's how it's fucking spelled. No.
I'm with you, Billy. He's like one of the most famous...
Why does he just spell his name Niklaus? Why is it Niklaus? Because his grandfather's grandfather, grandfather that's how he spelled his name. What is a douchebag for not anglicizing his name? Oh, wow.
That was a joke. If you saw a picture of him, would you not recognize him? Make your name more American.
That's probably the first time. No, it's definitely the first time in his life that Jack Nicklaus has experienced racism.
That's why it's fine to say that.

Holy shit, Jack

Nicklaus.

You are a special person.

I love you, Billy.

Don't ever change. Don't read another book ever.

That makes

like Hank's Objen

and Thyland.

That's up there.

We should do a Mount Rushmore pronunciation. I think Thyland is equally as bad because it's like you should recognize the name.
The same way when you see Jack Nicklaus, like you know his last name is Nicklaus. I've only read his name.
Yeah, but Objin is maybe even better because you're also not understanding a vagina. That one, well, yeah.
Who knows what an Objin, who knows what that is? Who knows what that is? A lot of people. Yeah, but, like, probably because your significant others, like, I had to go.
Like, I was single at the time. Jack Nicklaus.
Unbelievable. Print the shirts.
Jack Nicklaus. It's also all capital letters.
It's like... When was the last time he, like, played? But he gets talked...
You've heard his name said. Billy, he tees off at a gust.
I'm pretty sure he's the first person that hits every single year. Right.
And they say, to kick off this year's Masters Tournament, here he is, Jack Nicklaus. But when did he stop playing? A long time ago.
I think he stopped playing at the Masters in the late 90s, probably yeah i was born in the late 90s that's true but he's still like i think he has the all-time record for major tournaments he's the guy that tiger that's how you should know his name because for the last 20 years everyone's been like when is tiger going to get jack niklaus jack niklaus is the goat jack sounds better than sounds better than Jack Nicklaus. He's 82 years old.
Jack Nicklaus sounds like every other dude. He's 82 years old.
Jack Nicklaus. It is confusing when you got Jack Nicklaus and you got Phil Mickelson.
You want to call him Jack Nicklauson. Yeah.
I almost thought this article was about Phil Mickelson. I thought he turned down the money but it turns out he didn't.
No, Phil did. No, Phil did.
He's still taking the bait. That's why I'm putting Jack Nicklaus.
He should Schefter this like when Tom Brady was suspended and it was Dom Grady that was starting for the Patriots. Jack Nicklaus should take the $100 million.
Yeah. And Jack Nicklaus should say no.
That would be smart for him. Jack Nicklaus.
Unbelievable. What a moment.
So just to recap for everyone everyone Billy wants us to send him to Nashville to party with tight end you and we basically were like if you are on good behavior leading up to it yeah we could think about this this might be fun and then for some reason last night he got so drunk that he didn't show up to work that That doesn't feel like doing enough to get sent to tight end you. So, yeah, the floor is Billy's for all the lies that he's about to give us.
Look, dude, it was entourage. It was sick.
Entourage was filmed. You want to unpack that? What was Entourage? Kybeca Film Festival, YOLO I mean, it was awesome I'm here to take my lashings Did what I did But it was cool What did you do? Specifically You did Entourage As far as I know, you were in Entourage last night We were cosplaying Entourage was awesome.
So who did you go out with? Literally all the best lacrosse players from my childhood. Okay, anybody else that works on this show? Anyone in particular? Jake went home.
Okay. So Jake went out with you though, and then he went home, and then he came into work.
No, Jake went home very early. We were at the after party until 1 in the morning.
You were there, Jake, until 1 in the morning. I left that one.
Yeah, so that's a reasonable thing. So this is also – these are my favorite moments too because Billy thinks that the history of Barstool started when he showed up, and he'll sometimes be like, Big Cat, you don't understand how hard I have it.
Like, you don't understand. Like, this is, like, difficult.
So is difficult. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
So I remember vividly, if I could just share a story, when the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, I think in 2013, I was lucky enough to go out with the team. I was out until I want to say 4 or 5 in the morning because I remember I vividly remember hearing the birds chirp when I got home.
And then I wrote like 14 blogs the next day, because I know if I didn't, Dave would have like reamed my ass out and made a fool of me. Um, and so that just kind of shows you the easiness that you have it.
Cause really the only punishment you're getting is we're just doing this five minute segment where we're like, you couldn't come to work uh on a thursday on a thursday at noon it was 2 p.m i thought we were doing it 2 p.m i know whoever said that wait wait when you said what time do you usually come to work 2 p.m what are you talking about what was 2 p.m okay i have no excuses. There it is.

You're not getting the emoji back. There we go.

The emoji's already gone.

I don't want to take all the emojis.

Billy, let me ask you an honest question.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Do you think that you are at a place in your life

where you can handle the freedom of going to Nashville next weekend?

Be honest.

Yes.

Oh, come on.

You should have said no there. I would have given you an emoji for honesty if you said no i cannot because the thing is past couple days have been entertaining a lot of clients and wait what what are you in sales now what the entertaining what it's? Who's a client?

Name, list the clients, because there was an S on that.

I would love to hear one client.

Game time?

Oh, Arian.

Arian's a client.

Wait, wait, game time.

No, because they give you a free ticket doesn't mean that you're entertaining.

That's not how that works.

They're actually entertaining you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I don't think you were with that.

You just went to a game.

I don't think you were with.

No, he wasn't.

He went to a game, so that was entertaining game time.

It's basically like when you, Billy thinks that when he drinks 15 Coors Light on Friday night, he's like, well, I'm entertaining Coors Light as a client. Yeah.
I'm at a big ad partner dinner tonight. Billy, you're literally sitting and drinking beers on your couch.
I'm doing work, guys content it's fine i'm actually not mad um i'm just more it is like i said i'm happy that it happened so that it can be an illustration to our audience who sometimes thinks pft and hank and i are too hard on you it's like actually we're very easy on you when it all comes down to it because i'm not you're not in trouble it's just um it's just very funny that you couldn't show up to work the thing is like i like it this is like i took a shower oh great oh okay awesome now yeah progress i got up i got up like at 10 30 11 like being like okay shower get like going to work and then it was like oh shit we're recording at 12 and i was like fuck okay so you got up and everything and you even took a shower before you were even supposed to be at work so technically you were early i'm sure there's plenty of awls who can relate to waking up for work at 10 30 yeah and 11 yeah like this is no this is cool also also just want to throw that out there that pft you know usually how this podcast works um as, as much as people think we don't have our shit together, we'll share on the text chain, like, hey, what's the schedule tomorrow? Let's just fill each other in. PFT at 5.42 p.m.
last night, so that's fairly early. That's not, like, late-breaking news.
Texted the group, so noon tomorrow for Fyre Fest, Verstappen Perez at 3, started the show via Zoom after the game. Pretty much laid it out there.
Nice little teaser. Yeah, that is.
Yeah, that is. But that was all laid out, and everyone was like, yep, that's perfect.
Let's do it. Minus Billy.
Yeah, dude. Being a big out.
Billy. This is the full send Billy.
So scared. so excited.
Look, you guys are going to hear it and you're going to be like, whoa. Will we know what it is? Yes.
That's a good start. Corn.
Corn is a fruit. Can you guys be aware of that? I'll let Billy say whatever he wants to say No, that's going on the graphic I think it's not a vegetable Corn is a fruit Is it a vegetable? If you look it up, corn is a fruit It has fruit qualities Wait, that doesn't mean it's a fruit No, it has Qualities of a fruit Is fruit curious? No, it so the kernels corn are fruit isn't it grain what the first question is gotta be a grain so the first question on on google is why is corn not a fruit an ear of corn is not technically a fruit instead each kernel is a fruit exactly but that's not so you're taking one kernel one single kernel of corn it's like a single hornet.
Yeah, you are. You're taking one single hornet.
Oh, fruit. Exactly.
But that's not... So you're taking one kernel, one single kernel of corn.

It's like a single hornet. Yeah, you are.

You're taking one single...

But for a plant.

So are you taking one strawberry?

One musical part of the strawberry?

No, we're taking a strawberry.

No, if you had a taste test...

But remember, you're taking a corn.

But you only eat kernels of corn when you eat corn.

No, if we did...

If we put this all out in the kitchen and we said, here is everything, you get one cantaloupe, you get one blueberry, you get one strawberry, you get one nectarine, and you get one kernel of corn. There's kernels of corn that are bigger than one blueberry.
Okay. That's fine.
But you still, like, blueberry has a lot of taste in it. Corn does not have corn.
Corn is very sweet. They're a great band.
Butter. I love corn.
Corn. I love fruit.
It's not a fruit. You can eat multiple kernels.
All right, so you guys vetoed it, so we're going with it. No, no, no, no, no.
We're getting corn. He gets a single kernel of corn.
Look, I know you might be out there, and you might be like me and not really like fruit, but love corn, and you're going to vote for Team Chili because of corn. And there's some of you who might just love corn in general.
Who are you talking to? I'm talking to the corn lovers of America. Who are going to vote for us.
Trent's got your vote. Bring Team Jilly to our first W this season.
Because of corn. No, we haven't lost every time.
Oh. But corn will bring us there.
I love corn. Trust in corn.
Okay. So a single kernel of corn is going on the Mount Rushmore.
No, no. Corn.
It's just corn. Yes.
No. Corn is what I just said.
You're scared of corn. No, no, no.
You are scared of corn. Corn is actually a vegetable.
That's what it says. And then a single kernel of corn is a fruit.
That's like saying the stalk of a strawberry is a vegetable. What? No.
The part you eat. You said you get the strawberry.
No, no, no. But when...
No, the corn is a vegetable. No, no.
Corn is a fruit. Corn is a fruit.
Great pick. Corn...
Great pick, Billy. I think it's a good pick.
On the graphic, four letters. Single kernel of corn.
K-O backwards R-N. Yeah.
We'll do that, too. If you put corn in the band on there, you might actually get more votes yeah I'm down with that corn if everyone if you ask someone like can you pick up some fruits at the grocery store you think anyone comes back with corn in Billy's defense sweet corn is really good corn I know it is but I still think corn is one of my favorite foods of all time I'm not saying corn is not fruit.
It's not fruit. No, I know.
You're scared

of corn on there because corn might

win. I'm shaking him.
Bill Murray

gif. Okay.
Why did we have

that big knockdown drag out earlier

about tomatoes?

If you guys didn't even pick them. Well, I was

and you were going to pick corn

instead. Yeah.
Hank, what's

in that bag? Let's take

a look. What's in that bag? Well, why don't we end the show oh it's a part of my cheesesteak oh wow who ordered a part of my cheesesteak at this hour they were just lying around the office oh okay great so anyone I think I'm supposed to eat one I think Billy lost the bet to White Sox Dave tonight oh you know what Hank what, Hank? We got to get the hot sauce.

Oh.

Where is it?

I think it's out on the couch.

Okay, let's go get the hot sauce.

Are we going to do it on the podcast?

Yeah, let's have a bite.

We'll just have a bite.

Yeah, we'll just eat some of it.

Just have a bite.

This is fucking a whole night.

As we wait for Hank to get back.

So, Billy and White Sox Dave had a contest, and Billy was on the side of the Commanders.

White Sox Dave obviously on the side of the Bears.

And whichever team scored first, the other guy had to eat a part of my cheesesteak with Sean Evans' Hot One hot sauce that's got, I think it's the 10 out of 10 spiciness. So Sean is actually, he's a friend of ours.
And he said, because he's very excited to watch you eat this, Billy. He loves you.
If it's a good good sandwich then we could maybe do a secret menu with sean evans which would be i mean that's good business opportunity for you so i hope that you're able to eat this could be in a lot of money billy by the way uh i don't like the orange helmets maybe if they'd want i would like them that's kind of how it goes yeah can we call time out okay timeout here? Okay, timeout. Okay, timeout.
20 seconds. You get 20-second timeout.
20-second timeout. I'm taking a full.
Okay, full. All right.
You get a minute. You get a minute timeout.
This was supposed to be for the stream. This is a stream of sorts.
So if White Sox Dave would have lost, he wouldn't have had to do it. He would have went home.
Oh, no. He would have done it.
No, no. You guys ordered this.
No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't.
All right. I'm telling you right now, if we could go back in time and change it so that the commander scored first, I would make White Sox Dave do it.
Billy, we got this in the third quarter. We were just holding it for after.
We would have done it to him on the stream. I know you're trying to come up with a spin zone.
What are you talking about? Show me the receipt. Show me the receipt.
Yeah, motherfuckers. Billy, are you just...
I hate getting fucking punked all the time. Are you just...

Like, you guys think I'm an idiot.

Well, White Sox State did beat you in the Wonderlic.

Yeah, 10-17.

Okay, but still...

Wait, that is...

Wait, that is the third quarter.

Time placed.

Yeah, that's the third quarter.

That's the third quarter.

10-30.

Uh-oh.

That's the third quarter.

It's 11-45 right now.

I hate getting punked by Billy all the time. What the fuck is this? Hey, what the hell is this? Billy, why can't you ever just do something without complaining about it? I do every fucking thing.
Like, what the fuck? Okay, you don't have to eat the entire sandwich. It's just, like...
Just, Billy, give me... How does putting tons of hot sauce advertise for the fucking cheese steak? I'm going to not like it with all the hot sauce.
I wasn't even part of putting this bet together, but because you belittled our franchises, now I want to see you do it. Just give me three bites.
You don't have to eat the entire thing. Just three bites.
I'll take a bite. Billy, I'll take a bite too bite too Okay How much hot sauce are we putting on it? Will you calm down for a second? I'm going to take a bite But I'm on a diet Because Hank called me a fat fuck Like because I'm going to be You're welcome Probably not be able to sleep tonight Because I ate fucking hot sauce And that's going to be like fucking It's just annoying Now Billy's going to be like You're giving me mental illness From having to do this Yes Eating the fucking hottest sauce ever I told you I'd take a bite.
Why can't you just do something? I'll smell it. I fucking do everything.
I'm actually hungry, too. Yeah, so eat it.
So eat it. I will eat it, but like how? Just take three bites.
I'll take one bite, okay? No, I'm going to eat it. I'll take a bite.
I'll take a bite.

Am I supposed to put hot sauce on it?

Yes.

Billy, what are you talking about?

Of course you are.

No, but there's no hot sauce on it.

Do you want me to eat it?

Billy, there's hot sauce right next to it.

Are you being serious?

What are we doing here?

See how easy it is to take a bite?

No, because there's no hot sauce on it.

That's not the point.

I was so easy.

Take a bite.

Billy, give me the hot sauce.

All right, now put your hot sauce on.

Give me the hot sauce.

Sometimes I think you don't speak English. You just took a bite.
No hot sauce. Okay.
I said I would take a bite. I didn't say anything about hot sauce.
I will take a bite with hot sauce on. My team lost.
Okay. Boom.
That's it. Here comes the bite, and he took the bite.
Wait, when we originally talked about this, there was going to be dousing it in hot sauce. Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
He feels good. That's really good.
He looks good. He feels good.
So that's how much I can put on? That's how much I can put on? No, you can't do it. Three bites.
Now do you feel bad about complaining? I know I'm looking unreasonable, but this is way oversold. I just took a bite.
Who sold anything? Nobody. Will you stop? Right.
Will you stop? Billy, will you stop talking and give me your sandwich? Because you're about to douse in hot sauce. This is so stupid.
I love every second of it. Will you stop talking? Billy, stop talking.
I don't want to hear you talk ever again. We thought Billy got over his fear of food and getting conquered by food in Colorado.
You can't do it. There you go.
Yeah, that's a little bit... See that? That was nothing.

That's three bites worth.

PFT ate it.

I did eat it.

I'm actually going to take another bite.

With more hot sauce, okay?

Oh, whoa.

He's just doing this for sport now.

He's showing you up.

He's just stupid.

Okay, I'm just putting more hot sauce on it and doing this because I'm a man.

Mm-hmm. Wow.

He's showing you up.

Alright.

Oh my god.

Be careful, be careful, be careful.

Stop talking.

This is your idea. Stop talking.

Yes, my idea is you to eat the

sandwich, not talk

to me about eating the sandwich.

Billy, be careful.

Watch me. I'll take a bite.
You're all taking bites of sandwiches without hot sauce in it. Not me.
I just ate three bites in your face. Take a bite.
Hank just took a bite. Wow.
What a beast. Hank's a beast.
You know what?'m gonna eat your half of the sandwich How mad are you? How mad are you? How mad are you? You literally Volunteered me for something To put tons of hot sauce on it Why are you so mad? Why are you so mad? Because I'm about to do it I'm about to do it You're gonna kill him I'm about to do it Billy I'm about to do it You got your hot Give me your sandwich. I'm going to eat it because you won't shut the fuck up.
All right, let's kick it to ourselves. Weekend preview because he's not going to eat it, so it doesn't matter.
He's not going to eat it. Do a playoff baseball quickly.
What? Playoff baseball quickly. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, give us a little playoff baseball. Jake, give us a little playoff baseball.
Division series. Yeah.
You're on Alvarez. Very good.
Really good. Monster.
Walk off in game one. Another one in game two.
They're up two loves. He's a monster.
The Padres steal one in L.A. Yep.
Won one. Oh.
Out west. He's taking a bite.
He's taking a bite. He's on the field.
Or even in the Battle of the NL East between Atlanta and Philadelphia. And the Yankees got rained out.
So, by the time you're listening to this, it'll be game two. In the afternoon, the Yankees looking to go up to love over Cleveland.
That's to love. All right.
Thank you, Jake. Hey, Billy, that was the wrong side of the sandwich.
You just took a bite out of it. Yeah, fucking eating the bread.
It's hot. It's not that hot.
We'll kick it to ourselves. Watch PMTV.
You can watch the rest of this. It's not that fucking hot.
Because I'm sure it will keep going on for a few minutes. Anything else from game four that we missed that we need to talk about? What? Like, what does, What do you need to see starting? I got a grammatical lesson.
Oh, really? About what? I hate that. I tweeted fucking a man.
Oh. Didn't use a comma.
So, yeah. I went back to my Twitter.
It was just a live tweet during a commercial or something. You just said fucking a man.
And didn't even look at it until after the game. And then I was looking.
It's like replies, 20 replies, 30 replies. And then fucking a man had like 300.
That's perfect. You're such a good ally, Hank.
Love is love. Yeah.
It's Pride Month. I do think the Celtics plus three and a half is a good bet on Monday night.
Me too. I might look stupid.
So, I mean, if the Celtics have never, they haven't lost this postseason following the loss. They haven't lost two straight.
That would mean that they will win the championship, correct? In seven. Numbers never lie.
Fact or fiction. They have won two in a row, so they could win two in a row.
Fact. Win in six.
And you are going to be sitting on the wood for game six, which actually makes Monday night the most pressure-packed game of your life because you can then go and sit on the wood

for possibly a championship.

Yeah.

Which would be like, you'd be in the trophy presentation.

Let's just not even talk about it.

Let's just focus on tonight.

No, we'll focus on tonight.

Clearly, you've thought about it.

You've thought about looking up and seeing confetti.

You're going to get on the court.

You're going to have a net draped around your neck.

I'm concerned with how much I've thought about it, yes.

Do you think they'll let you give a speech?

Maybe not. I mean, not like your speech

at Wisconsin, but

I'm not going to talk about it publicly.

I have thought about it. I drove home today.

I mean, I had a five-hour drive home today.

Right, so you were thinking like, alright, what am I

going to say here? Not to say it, but

just like, yeah, no, I'm not going to talk about it. Go back to the fucking a man tweet.
Did you capitalize the letter A? No. Oh, that's even worse.
So you really were fucking a man. Yeah, according to my, that was my update.
That was my Twitter update in like the third quarter or fourth quarter. It was probably after Steph, like kind of after Steph did something.
It was after my first Steph woe. This might sound like I should know the answer to this question already, but what does fucking A mean? I'm looking it up right now.
Is it just from British people being like, fucking hell? What is it? Did you type fucking a man? I put the comma in. Come on, Billy.
What does fucking A mean? It's okay. Where does it come from? Fucking A.
Because I think British people would always be like, fucking L. Oh, it's U.S.
slang, vulgar, an expression of triumph or joy, usually in response to an unexpected good news. Comes from the military saying affirmative, which was said by soldiers in the heat of battle as fucking affirmative, which was was later short into fucking a However, over the years a man the meaning of this phrase has been changes now used to express something as good Oh, so the double double negative.
Yeah, I didn't even use it correctly Yes, I think you can also use it to be like ah shit. It could just be like shit I think That's what I was going for.
Yeah, it can be. Listen, language

evolves over the years. Fucking A, man.

Fucking A, man. Yeah, so it's like

did our bunker get bombed?

Fucking affirmative.

I'd miss it. I was fucking a man.

That kind of thing.

I was sitting minding my own business at home

on Monday night. I was actually putting

my kids to sleep and I get

a text message. You're a father? Yeah, I you have a father too i got bothered by you hank uh with this text message sorry to your one kid that's two trolling my bad well actually it's three thanks billy and you too because now i have to worry about what you're gonna text to everyone so four this is hank lashing out right Oh, big time.
I was about to get contentious. I don't like this.
Oh, no. Yeah, Jake's nervous.
So there was a text message thread that Caleb, our great colleague Caleb, started six years ago at the Super Bowl. It was me, Caleb, Dave, Gaz, and Hank.
We were at the Super Bowl. I think it was probably after our late night of drinking.
It was 3.23 in the morning. He texted everyone, good night, fam.
I texted one love because I love you guys. And name the group.
Name the group, fam. Flash, no text messages on that group chain for six years.
Flash forward to last night. And Hank sends us a picture of uh just a sweaty face staring deep into our soul his sweaty face and it says f45 day one check mark and we're all like huh and i actually didn't even i looked at i was like oh this is weird and then i just kept on doing what i was doing and then an hour later hank was like whoops i meant to send this to my family and since then yeah it's pretty much the worst people you could ever send a text message to me Dave and Gaz the internet has memed you and I'm uncomfortable with you in the room I submitted an HR complaint because you snitch unsolicited that's a a snitch.
They sued energy. Because you're my boss now.
I'm not. And you work on the third floor.
And the power structure is so off that you send me a picture. There is no power structure.
You literally send me nothing has changed. You sit on top of us.
Yeah. You sent me a picture that made me feel uncomfortable.
And then you tried to silence me by calling me a snitch. That's fucked up.
It is a snitch move. Did I say the S-word? I did, because you turned him into HR.
You said all that on the streets. When I turned him into HR, I actually just went upstairs.
I was like, where's HR? And they just pointed in the corner, and I just said out loud, I'd like to file a complaint against Hank, and then walk back downstairs. Hank does sit in the corner office upstairs.
No, I sit with HR, so I took the complaint and just fucking... See? It's the power structure.
You control it. This is the power structure.
This is corruption all the way down. So, Hank, I'm uncomfortable being around you, but I guess I have to power through.
Credit to me. I feel like you should be supporting...
I don't know. Like, again...
No, I don't want that picture. Caleb, I blame...
I'd say 48 picture caleb i i blame i'd say 48 of the blame is on caleb 48 of the blame is on loud sean for spiking my phone which forced me to get a new one which when i turned it on all the messages like repopulated but only from saturday night like it was like that was the last time my cloud updated which was no who cares like it was a day's worth of meaningless text messages. But this group text, the PMT group text, my friends from home and my family group text like didn't show up.
And I was like, whatever, new, new phone, new phone blues. I texted this group literally just to make sure like things were going through.
And then, yeah, I worked out again, new phone. So I was sweating and I didn't think the flash was on.
Like I'm not used to my flash on my selfies being on. It's a shocking picture.
So I typed in fam because that's what my family group text is called, and I don't know. Again, I wasn't factoring in this fucking Super Bowl crew from six years ago.
Typed in fam. Whoa, you say that like that's your fam.
It's not my fam. Yeah, it is.
It's not. That fam was the first time I ever hung out with the company as a whole.
I remember that. You know what? That was probably post-second slices at the House of Prime Rib.
Yeah, House of Prime Rib. And that's your family.
Or your family. It was my family.
And you just... I mean, I'm just...
I don't know. The best was that Hank texted me after on the side.
Either way, I went back and texted, and when I realized that it was those three, I pretty much got paralyzed from embarrassment. Yeah, he said to me.
Once I realized it was Gaz. I said it earlier.
If it was maybe Caleb and Big Cat, you probably would have posted it, but maybe wouldn't have. Or I could have talked you out of it.
It would have been 50-50, yeah. Gaz probably definitely would have.
Dave probably wouldn't have just because he wouldn't have known what was going on,, like, Caleb wouldn't have, like, but the fact that it was all three of you just, like, piling on. Hanging each other on.
I knew it was no shock. Hank sent me a text after.
He was like, I haven't felt like this in a really long time, and it just made me so happy because, like, this guy, he's been promoted to vice president of Barstool Sports. He's literally our boss.
Executive vice president. But he's still and but it's nice because we can do like a throwback 2014 hank embarrasses himself you just when you thought that the suit had gotten you know you'd graduated i don't think it was anything to be embarrassed i thought you looked good you looked like you were in shape it's just such a weird picture i'm scared like it wasn't like i wasn't thinking like when you take a a picture.
And I don't know. Again, I don't know what I was thinking.
I don't know what I was doing. I thought I was sending it to my flesh and blood.
I was actually turning and sending it to literally. Would they have been as scared as I was? That was my biggest question out of this, Hank.
No, they would have been like, yes, good job. How was it? Like, blah, blah, blah.
I understand how it's. Here's me playing paddle tennis.
I understand how it's embarrassing. This is my word of score.
It's like just family shit. It i and i don't i don't really drop in that much like it's i'm probably the least active and never do it again they're kind of like you know why don't you ever update us i'm like i don't really have much update i'm like oh i worked out like here we go dearly beloved we are gathered here today saturday april 2nd 11 20 p.m in the city of New Orleans, and Coach Mike Krzyzewski is dead.
R.I.P., Coach. Dead.
You had a hell of a run. No one can take that away from you, but you're dead, so you're not listening to this right now.
I want to take the high road, if I could. Unlike Duke, who didn't shake hands.
Unlike Coach K's grandson, who would take the drunk road. Yeah.
Oh, he won an award, though. That wasn't rigged.
So I want to take the high road for a brief second and just say that tonight's basketball game was an incredible game. We were lucky to see it in person.
Instant classic. It was an all-time game.
We're going to see it probably forever. Ever.
I would actually imagine that this will be the most replayed game of Coach Mike Krzyzewski's career. It might bring back ESPN Classic as a TV station just to play this.
It was a great game. It was fantastic.
It was two heavyweights. They're separated by less than 10 miles in North Carolina.
Tobacco Road. Wait, but they've met before.
They've never played in the NCAA tournament. It was – so, Big Cat, I don't know if you remember this, but a few weeks ago, Coach K's final night at Cameron Indoor Stadium, he played against UNC.
Yep, I do remember. And they schlacked him.
Yep, I do remember. That was bad.
And then tonight, UNC beat Duke again. He screamed at the kids.
He screamed at the kids. It was a great game to watch.
Credit to UNC. They were all over the offensive boards all night long.
They seemed to want it a little bit more. Coach K tried to work his magic with the refs.
Didn't work. The better team tonight won.
I think we can all say that, but we can also say that we're going to miss Coach K. He's dead.
He's deceased. His legacy is tarnished forever.
It can't get worse than what happened. Well, you're right.
It's over. Hard work pays off, and dreams come true.
Everyone who worked their ass off to make this possible, most notably the UNC basketball team, but everyone else who hates Duke and we gave them a voice, it happened. The witch is dead.
Ding dong, the witch is dead. I want to give you personally, Big Cat, a gold medal.
Thank you, I appreciate that. In the hater Olympics.
You are the goat hater right now. Tonight is your night to celebrate.
I also do think, though, that tonight is Roy Williams' night to celebrate. Walking away at the right time, naming a worthy successor instead of taking a year where he had to have everybody go around and deep throat his cock and make love to him every single night.
He did not do that. He picked a good coach to take over for him and guess what I actually think that tonight's victory over Duke is the final feather in the cap for Roy Williams being a better head coach in the state of North Carolina than Mike Krzyzewski was in the last 20 years and it's the Roy Williams final because it's Kansas versus UNC so two thoughts.
And we have Hank here. We're going to get to him in a second.
I had two thoughts that are crazy thoughts. But both like I actually gave some like, oh, this could happen.
One was this morning when I woke up. I've been living in so much Duke and Coach K hate.
It's been consuming me for basically the entire month. And I thought to myself.
Do you think if I started a serial type podcast. And I did enough investigative journalism.
I could make. I could get Coach K in prison for life.
And I was like. That could actually happen.
And then my second thought was. There's like a 2% chance that UNC puts a statue up of me in chapel hill i'm not gonna rule it out i you know i'm not gonna be a total narcissist and say it's like definitely gonna happen but let's just say if i got a phone call in the next year and they're like hey thank you for your service because like i i did like six tours in the last week unlike yes i'd like coach handing out i was i was getting in a fight with a duke fan on the way out he was he was going he was going act like you've been here show some class and i was just doing the crying face to him and i was like oh your team lost and it was it was the childish oh wait wait wait hank we'll get to you in a second.
Hank, can I just say, my guy, Henry Lockwood,

and I've been with him for many, many years and many ups and downs.

This guy, Hank, he knows ball because in the first half,

in the first half, he turned to me and he said,

I love Caleb Love. He's awesome.
Okay, I'm going to say something nice about Hank. You know ball.
You know ball. Because I don't think Hank gets enough credit.
If you go back, you look at the tape from 2015. It was Wisconsin Duke.
Yeah. Hank kind of swallowed his Duke pride.
Yeah. And he defeated you graciously in that moment.
I just want to give Hank credit for doing that, for doing all the right things. But at the same time, I also do want to laugh in every Duke fan's face.
There was this one Duke fan that was sitting the row in front of us tonight. And he flipped out after the loss was over.
he tried to fight a UNC fan that was row behind us. It was the saddest fight that I've ever seen.
He, he like halfway punched the guy in the stomach, not even like a full punch. And then like halfway, like kind of hit him like in the leg and then got up in his face.
It was like, I will fight you. If you want to fight, I will fight you.
And he was trying to fight him, but he knew, because he's probably a lawyer, that he could not throw the first real punch that could be construed as battery. It was great to see the Duke fans lose tonight.
Although, I do want to say, it was an all-time game. It really was.
I mean, it was an all-time game. We can all agree with agree with that sports are great and it made it even better that coach K went out in his legacies completely ruined and Duke players didn't shake hands and uh this is what I'll remember about coach yeah and yo listen everything he's done in his entire career has been wiped away no there's nothing left you want to talk about the all time chokes.
I think tonight was an all time joke.

Can I tell you something else that I might,

I'm thinking about too.

Oh,

we'll get to you.

The whole game didn't say a word.

It was quiet as a fucking mouse.

Can I tell you something else that I might do in a,

in a,

in a great plot twist.

If we're like going season two of this,

I might season two of what I might root for.

I might root for John Shire to become a better coach than coach K.

I might root for John Shire to have like, coach than Coach K. I might root for John Shire to have like,

I might root for him to have six titles and to beat UNC in the tournament

and like everything to be like John Shire is 10 in like,

never has moments like the Pete Gaudet,

never has like these terrible moments of Coach K just being a fucking asshole.

It was just great.

I think there's... Oh, wait, sorry.
Wait. Hold on.
North Carolina has one up Duke for eternity and there is nothing. Eternity.
John Ross, he just walked in. That was a capital E that he put on.
He put some stank on eternity, too. Sorry, my phone was just playing videos.
My bad. I think that there's a good chance, though, that I know what you're sayinget.
It would be nice to have Shire take over and take the program to an elite level. I want him to be who's he.
I want Duke and Duke fans to achieve the greatness that they deserve. And I think that John Shire is the guy that can get them to that point.
But I also think that there's a good chance that if they falter off the stretch, you might not have seen the last of Coach K. He might come back well roy williams might have to go to duke and save the program that would be um so let's let's hear from hank i let me just set the stage um on the walkout hank was just he kept on mumbling to himself this couldn't be worse this couldn't have gone worse he would like literally he would start wandering away from me and i'd get back close to him and i just hear him being like that couldn't have gone worse that couldn't have gone worse and now we've been sitting here getting ready to record and hank gave me a look like and i know you've seen this look pft where he like he looked me dead in the eyes and it was just like i'm gonna say some mean shit to you like some shit that will like hurt your soul he's gonna start playing cat's cradle in my face again but let's don't do that yeah you're gonna do that no i mean like you know maybe you could take a lesson from coach k you know the hair that's getting gray what is a lot a lot of pictures and videos all right no i'm not just saying i was reviewing some of the tape tonight and it's like, whoa.
Who's this silver right. No, I'm not mad.
I was just saying. I was reviewing some of the tape from tonight, and it's like, whoa.

Who's this silver fox?

Yes, I am.

By the way, we did have the conversation before this game.

What would it be to my legacy if Coach K ended up winning the national championship?

Good thing we don't have to answer that.

My legacy has never been higher.

This will be the first line in my obituary.

I killed Coach K.

I did. Yeah, that war hero.
I killed him uh pretty much more hero sometimes the haters win yeah yeah no no no no but this is like a time when the haters are the correct side of history yes this is like if ross perot was president but this is like there's there's there's losses that are bad and there's losses that the ripple effect and it it's like, trust me, I fucking know Big Cat. Oh, yeah, he kept on saying that.
He goes, he's going to have this over my head forever. And then as he would say that, another UNC fan would come up and be like, can we get a picture? And they'd be like, we did it.
And I'd be like, we did it. So, Hank, you know ball, dude.
You said you're like, my eyes are on Caleb Love. That guy's's really good I bet heavily on him against UCLA Caleb Presley one of our good friends one of my good friends I was texting him a lot about Caleb Love during the UCLA game I was like I love Love I bet on him against Baylor Love Love great player and it was casual in the first half we were like just talking just going back and forth I Caleb Love, great player.
I put it in the back of my head. Fun to watch.
If I know Hank is probably one of the smartest basketball minds I've ever been around, and he was like, watch out for Caleb Love. This guy's got big shot potential.
Well, he doesn't give a fuck. What I respect about him is the moment wasn't too big for him because he doesn't care.
He just wants to fucking shoot no matter what the circumstances are. He made it.
Mark Williams. There was some – Oh, we could miss a Duke fan talking about the refs.
There was some questionable foul calls. Yes.
And I will say there was some questionable foul calls, but the real reason they lost was the Mark Williams shooting – missing those two free throws. Basically turned the game where it was like they were going from a one-possession game to like a four-point game where it's like you got to play the foul game.
you make those two free throws, basically turned the game where it was like they were going from a one possession game to like a four point game where it's like, you got to play the foul game. You make those two free throws.
Caleb Love, 75, 74. The balls on him to hit that shot.
And Baycott with playing on like half a leg. Oh, dude, the guys on this guy.
I'd be surprised if he ever walks again if you are walking if you if you have a fucking

injury timeout where like they call a wheelchair and an ambulance on the court you should have to

stick out for more than five seconds because he was back in the game he they called they called

the ambulance and then he walked back in the game one minute later hank shut up yeah what was your

what what i mean for people who don't know there was just one of those stupid internet rumors that

john cena died from COVID.

That's got to piss you off a little bit.

No, no, it doesn't.

Honestly, if anything, it just, when someone, see, it's weird that you can take a piece of information like that and say stupid internet rumor. I wish more people would have a perspective to cross-check and fact-check and dive deeper for truthful information because there's so many things out there that might fall into the classification of stupid internet rumors but when it's something as silly as is that that we know isn't true now because I'm speaking to you in real time on this show I think it's a nice exercise into don't believe everything you read was there a small part of you that wanted to just kind of go along with it for a day just to get some of the tributes out there? Just so you can see all the nice things people might say and then be like, ta-da.
A small part of me that wanted to end my existence. The answer to that is a resounding no.
I love the gift of life, and I want to have the gift as long as I possibly can. Not to end your existence but to just kind of not say anything about the rumor being fake for a day.
What and where is the good in that? People would be like, man I love John Cena. He's such a great guy.
People would share anecdotes like I would have tweeted, remember that time John Cena wanted to fuck my belly button? Man, I miss that guy. I know you guys are trying to have some fun.
I just lost a really close friend two days ago. Oh, shit.
No, no, that's cool. So when I say something like that and you take the smile off your face, loss is a really tough thing.
And trust me, I'll joke about a lot of stuff, especially if you watch Peacemaker. I'll joke about a ton of stuff.
But if you're trying to get headline grabs, I don't think, especially at this point, at any point, the fragile nature of human life is a headline to grab. So I know what you're trying to do.
I can't fault you for trying. But in taking a moment to reflect on the passing of a good close friend of mine, man, I just, I see things from a completely different perspective.
I just don't think that's the right avenue for me to go down. John Cena just fucking threw us through the ring there.
I tell you what, let's ask Russillo all the questions that we get asked. Yeah.
But we'll just redirect them towards him. Who's the best interview you've ever had right uh you know what's actually i shared this on the podcast but the bill russell interview that i did in the first year i was ever on the air was one of the coolest things i've ever done because i was nervous as shit i couldn't believe we only got him because we were promoting some other thing that his his handler was doing so it was rare he never did anything right and so really nervous i'm doing a morning show with a couple other guys in their 20s we barely have any hours under our belts doing this radio show and somehow we end up with him in the interview which was crazy to begin with and as soon as the host introduced him he stopped us and interrupted us and we're like fuck like this is gonna suck he's gonna be like who are these idiots he's gonna be korean and he goes if you're gonna introduce me uh instead Hall of Famer an 11-time champion I would appreciate it if you introduced me and be like oh no as captain of the Boston Celtics and I was like oh hell yes yeah so that one's always because it was so early and it was a big deal and I thought you're gonna say Brandon Marshall well the other one I'm probably most proud of that Brandon Marshall interview those that don't know, we were pitched Brandon Marshall, the receiver, it was confirmed by everybody.
We were good to go. I open up the zoom.
And I'm like, that's not Brandon Marshall. And what it was, but it was, but it wasn't.
And I'm immediately like double checking an email. And I'm going, what the fuck are you going to do right now? Who is this? And I'm like, what's he's like hey how's it going and i was like all right cool and i'm like i can't go on the zoom chat and i'm trying to like message saruti being like or kyle i think it was just kyle at that point i was like what and so it's the first question you go back it's we left it up because i was like fuck it i was like what's up man what have you been doing, hoping to find some sort of common ground with his answer of what he's been doing.
Yeah, because I'm trying to, like, why would I have a different Brandon Marshall that he would think he's, like, hey, I'm doing one of these sports podcasts tomorrow. Like, why does he think this is okay? Right.
If this isn't, like, something's going on. And then I actually did remember, I'm like, oh, I think he's that Denver guy.
I kind of like their linebacker. Yeah, he won a Super Bowl.
Yeah, I like their linebackers that year. But I still, I mean, you guys know how this is.
Like if you let your head get fucked with in the process, you can make it way worse. Oh, yeah.
So now I'm like, you may think it's the Broncos linebacker, but now you're so screwed up because you can't believe that somebody confirmed this. And then as he was answering, I'm checking the email.
And I was like, no, it's actually the receivers confirmed on the email from the person so by the third question I finally like piece it together and then Kyle was like what do you want to do with that interview and I go leave it up and then we'll tell everybody what happened yeah it was great I was actually proud of myself yes yeah yes I'm gonna give you a hypothetical situation for the playoffs. Okay, you ready for this? I'm ready.

You're down eight.

It's fourth and goal from the eight.

There's two minutes left, and you have all three timeouts.

You're going to need a stop either way.

Do you go for it, or do you kick a field goal

and make a two-possession game a two-possession game?

I'll tell you what.

You would go there, Big Cat.

What? That's a hypothetical. Yeah.'ll tell you what you would go there big cat what that's a hypothetical yeah i don't know did that happen to you uh i don't know maybe i mean uh here's another brain buster for you uh three times three less or more than eight excuse me three times three less is more than eight so that's what you're trying to do You're trying to kick three field goals in the last two minutes of the game.

Smart.

No, that was smart.

Okay, now I got it.

Okay, Big Cat.

I got you, man.

I ain't never coming on this show again.

Never have to get in the end zone when you kick three field goals.

Okay, then the last one I had here, hypothetically, fourth down at the eight-yard line.

There's two minutes, nine seconds left.

You're down eight. You kick a field goal there? take the points yeah just take the points take the points that's it yeah what was the line uh i think it was three yeah it didn't help us oh yeah yeah you guys upset about you guys hit us in the points yeah yeah so every time we talk to your coach floor um we give him a hard time about that and he's.
He's like, Aaron wanted to, you know, kick a field goal. He wanted to get off the field.
He didn't trust his arm in that situation. He was late for a flight to go hang out with Miles Teller in the jungle.
Yeah. So it was, he wanted to get out of there.
We're like, all right, fine. It's credit to him.
He's never said it publicly. I think maybe he was thinking if i get three now then we stop them

get three again get onside kick and then another three yes 32 31 yeah yeah championship we ask every head coach that gets uh their first head coaching job the same question just to kind of like gauge where they're at if they're an aggressive guy if they're a conservative guy whatever the case may be so if it's uh hypothetically like fourth quarter fourth quarter Playoff game

And you're down by

Eight points

And you have the ball on the eight yard line and it's fourth and goal and what happened on first and eight, second eight, and third and eight and fourth and eight? Incompletions. You move the ball downfield though to the eight yard line.
Who potentially could be the quarterback? One of the best quarterbacks of all time. A guy who threw three interceptions today, hypothetically.
One of the best quarterbacks of all time. So do you kick a field goal? And then you would give the other ball – you would give the ball away to the best quarterback of all time.
Okay, so get there. Golly, I'm glad I haven't been in that situation.
I wouldn't want to have to make that decision. Because we talked to LaFleur last week, and he was like, that was all Hackett.
So he said that you're the one who said kick the field goal. We'll kick three field goals and we'll win this game.
I'll let you know I blacked out. I didn't even know what was happening.
I'm pretty sure I fainted during that process. I freaked out, and I had no clue what I, oh, are you talking about the,

no,

no,

it's hypothetical.

Okay.

I'm just trying to get this,

get this right in the head.

Yeah.

You know,

I think I'd have to run it through the computers because I'm a nerd and I'd want to go through

the statistics on everything and make sure that you made the appropriate decision.

I can just still it down real quick.

Okay.

What's more three or eight?

Three,

eight.

Take your time. You're a failed doctor.
Eight points? Yeah, eight points. You got it.
Okay, so you're aggressive. I like that.
Smart guy. Eight points is good.
Yes, I hear that. The Steelers, I mean, we're friends with Kenny and Mitch.
Fuck the Steelers. Kenny and Mitch can suck my dick and balls.
But they're right in the middle. They're right in the middle and fuck game right yeah yeah yeah like Kenny and Mitch I think will just give you a solid like quality start six innings three earned runs I think you gotta take them both at the same time so in this situation you have to be like it's Kenny and Mitch double teaming Kenny and Mitch double teaming okay between them they can satisfy one woman yeah.
Exactly. I can see that.

They tag each other in.

Yeah.

Let's go.

I'm getting tired.

Mitch has the pussy wide open.

He just throws it to the left.

He puts his dick on her thigh.

That hurts.

That hurts.

I'm not going to laugh at that one.

That hurts.

She's got her mouth open waiting for the cum shot.

It just goes behind her.

I was open. I was open, Mitch.
You could have hit me right in the tonsils. It slipped out of my cock.
What can I say? All right, so that's AFC North. That went well.
Tua doesn't know how to fuck. They're bottom of the barrel as far as I'm concerned.ua just got married to his I think his college sweetheart Which is weird like this far Outside of college That just tells me that he's thinking like Yeah you know what college was the best time Oh no you're so right That shit was awesome Sell your fucking Tua stock I want to play the field of Miami It's Like he went to Miami and then he's like, you know what? This girl I met in Alabama.
I think that's about as good as it's going to get sick. Fuck wise.
That's the fucking, that's the nail in the coffin. He's done.
He'll be out of the league in two years. Yeah.
Cause if he married her right after, he'd be like, all right, that makes sense. Of course.
Yeah. To wait.
Divorce coming. Yeah.
Yeah. And then yeah, Mike McDaniels, he does seem to me like he would like the, he would basically just be sitting on a couch so high and the girl would be like hey you want to do something he's like no i'm watching netflix right now and then next thing you know he's falling asleep next to his bong and you're like all right he's like there's some interesting stuff going on about 9-11 i don't know if you've heard about she's like i'm going to bed i'm taking i'm taking out the vibrator i'm going yeah i can also see him getting domed out, though.
Like, he's wearing a mask and just, like, chained up against a wall. He's just getting wet.
Not ever fucking, but just the guy that – Have you ever seen the videos of the dudes that just get, like, kneed in the balls repeatedly? Sure, sure. That's kind of like what I picture him doing.
Just get stepped on. I could tell.
But I think he's more go with the flow, though, you know? Like, I think there's other subs in the NFL. Okay.
Like,. All right, AFC South.
AFC South. I love Davis Mills.
We're Davis Mills, guys. His long-ass neck.
Long neck is a good sign. A lot of pussy and dexterity.
Yes, yes, yes. Trevor Lawrence, I don't think he fucks.
No, there's something wrong. Something's off there.
there Doug Peterson He fucks with the visor on Yes

For sure

And he's got

Doug Peterson is probably

The top of my list

For swingers

Yes

Like he definitely seems like

Absolutely

Leave the garage door

Crack open

Come on in

I got a hot tub

The whole fucking town

You like my wife's

I saw you looking at my wife's tickets

Give him a squeeze

Give him a squeeze

The whole cul-de-sac

Is coming to Doug Peterson's house

I'm that. It's those guys that you see them at the hedonism guys, the guys that go on these resorts where they're not in great shape, but they were at one point.

They were, yep.

And you can kind of tell they got that confidence.

Like, I won a Super Bowl.

Yep.

I'll fuck all these chicks in front of my wife.

100%.

And I'll have her get fucked too.

And then we'll go home.

With a smile on my face.

Yeah, be happily married.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Four kids.

Who cares?

That's probably why he kept starting Nick Foles in Philadelphia. Yeah.
Big, big name fucks. I got to reward him.
What he did to my wife. His wife's picking up the kids from soccer practice was just full of Nick Foles juice.
We're never going to get an interview with Matt after this. Fuck.
And then Matt Ryan. Yeah, Matt Ryan is.
Yeah, Matt Ryan is Matt Ryan. You know what? Matt Ryan's like, he's really good at missionary.
Yep, yep. He likes it.
No, he's the guy. Actually, what you were talking about with Salo, where it's like, he fucks his wife well.
Yeah. That's what we'll say about Matt Ryan.
But he sees a colored nipple that he's not familiar with, he'll, right. If his wife's nipples are hot pink and he sees a dark brown, he doesn't know what to do.
Yeah, he goes to WebMD. Yeah.
He's been doing the same thing for a long time. He does it well.
And he's solid at it. Next question.
This is crazy. This is crazy.
Next question. Blake Griffin, complete the lyric.
Yes. Jealousy, turning saints into the sea, swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis, but it's just the...
Christ, I... That is just the price I pay.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

I'm gonna get that one. We're tied 2-2 still.
No, no, it's 3-2. No, no, Blake's whole thing was just a setup to get Blake.
Alright, so it's 3-3.

3-3. It's 3-3.
I'm gonna

give, you know what, we're gonna give Blake Bortles

credit for the correct answer

because you could see

he knew, but he didn't

want to act like he knew.

Because like, is it racist? No, I don't know.

Yeah, so 3-3.

So we're gonna go to a tiebreaker here.

Wow.

Blake Bortles, name every

I'm sorry. Because, like, is it racist? No, I don't know.
Yeah, so 3-3. So we're going to go to a tiebreaker here.
Wow. Blake Bortles, name every team that Blake Griffin has played for in the NBA.
Can I get a total? Yeah, give him a total. Yeah, sure.
Three. Total number? Yeah.
Yeah. Three.

Yeah, three.

Three.

Clippers?

Yep.

Nets?

Yep.

He's trying to forget this as well, so it's fine.

This was a one-year stint, the one I'm missing?

I was like, no, no, no. Multiple, multiple years.
do i answer these no no no no no no i know i don't answer them and um you got it is your time limit no literally forever. We did the ping pong balls last year, so.
Half under pace. I'm struggling.
I don't know. I'm going to guess and say the Suns.
Good guess. You give off Suns energy.
It's the Pistons. It's the Pistons.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I knew that. Detroit Pistons.
Sorry, buddy. I mean, Blake might be on the Suns.
He might be part of that KD trade package that he wants. Yeah, that's true.
You never know. I think we should give him a point for each one.
So it's five to three Blake Bortles. Well, here's what we'll do because what I'll say is that Blake Bortles' career, he's played for twice as many teams as you have, Blake Griffin.
So we can just reduce the fraction and say that you can tie Blake on this answer if you get four of the six teams that Blake Bortles has played for. And if you get all of them or five out of six, you're the winner.

Five out of six I win? Yeah.

Okay, so we got

five teams. What'd you say?

Teams.

He's only played for five teams? Oh yeah, you played

for one of them twice. Okay, alright, so

five teams. I know

that one. That was a test play.

We got Jacksonville.

Yup.

We got the LA rams twice yep we got the green bay packers this was right around the time we were doing blake the year last year yep and well i mean pft kind of gave this away saints yep and i believe we had a stint in um i'll give you a hint he gave everyone you can't no no it's a hint he gave everyone covid can you elaborate on why canadians prefer missionary while americans gravitate towards doggy is that true yeah i don't. I always heard it was the other way around so you can both watch hockey.
I like missionary just because I like kissing. I like doing the French kissing.
Yeah. Burying my foursy deep inside.
You smoocher? Is this how the TNT show goes usually? No, we don't talk about it. Sometimes you throw in a few dick jokes.
I like to make out and kiss while I'm doing it. Yeah.
So I don't mind doggy. I just, no, it's good.
I switch it around. You're a passionate man.
Those are my two go-tos, dog. You like the eye contact.
Mm-hmm. You're like Leo and Rose on the Titanic.
Yeah. You just like to stare at each other.
Yeah, I'm making out and staring into their eyes and making sure that everything's good. Everything good? Yeah.
Does this work? Are you happy? Can you feel anything down there? No? Okay. All right, let me use my finger.
But yeah, no, I'm... But who gave you that pull? That might be a made-up thing.
I mean... No, that seems...
And you're also... I'm going to stick with it.
In America, it's been probably a decade Since I haven't done it doggy style Inside these borders I usually like the doggy style If I get a passport that means we're flipping over I like the doggy style when you got your foot on their face You know where you kind of go around What? It was a fucking joke big cat I don't put my feet on their face. Hey, guys.
Got a summer beach question for you. When is it time to train? No, let's talk to Jake about what he likes better.
Are you here? Let's pass the mic over. Jake, you went to college pretty close to Canada.
Can you confirm that? Jake, are you an anal guy? I'm not. Have you ever licked a girl's asshole? Have you ever sucked a fart out of a girl's ass? No.
You've never licked a cornhole? No. No leather Cheerios? No.
I'm not a big anal guy. You know, Jake's a Panthers fan.
You are? Yeah. It's my hometown team.
I could have been better this season, but I'm going to be better these next few weeks. Oh, good.
I'm glad. I wish these guys came better prepared.
What did you make of the Kodak black incident in the box when he was grinding his cock? Yeah. I think he's an anal guy.
Oh, yeah. Those things happen at bad teams games, but the Panthers.
They're good. Well, it takes a while for them to like they're good but you're not like

they're a good franchise

right

good season

yeah right

like the Reds thing

we talked about earlier

yeah they have to have

a few seasons

in the consciousness

to be like

that's a good franchise

Jake

what if you like

what if you met

the girl of your dreams

and she wanted to

do a stand up 69

but she was holding you

and you were

like you were off the ground

would you be cool with that?

I don't know.

Yes.

Yes.

I'll answer for Jake.

Yes.

Yes.

Good question, though, Biz.

Was Kodak Black actually having sex with that girl?

I never did the follow-up.

I think he was getting an over-the-pant rub where.

Yeah.

Just a grind.

He was going super gremlin.

So, yeah.

So, when you're in the American Hockey League,

you're not making that show dough, and we used to sometimes go to the strip clubs. I would not do this.
But I would have teammates who they would go to the bathroom at the strip club. They would take their underwear off, put their dress pants back on, and then they would get lap dances because when you're getting that rub, they would be able to cum just from doing lap dances.
So they would come out with. That's the funniest old hockey trick I've ever heard and then they would go back and come pants though they would have coming there but they would go back and they would put their boxers on and then they would they they you know they wouldn't be feeling the wetness of the cum on their dress pants yeah but then these guys were savages hockey trick total savages yes what one of which ended up uh well i guess we won't go there because we had to take it off the podcast because he got in a little bit of trouble.
We said, for our birthdays, we'll buy more expensive gifts every year until we get to a million dollars. That's unbelievable.
But I'm looking at my time. Tom's 42.
I'm 49. I got to speed this up.
You know, it started with an e-bike. I got him an e-bike.
Which is like, what, two grand? Yeah, two grand. it was three grand and it was like wow this is awesome he was like you give way better gifts than my wife you know he's like my wife gave me a fucking wallet he's like who the fuck wants he got really upset about that and i think she got him like a nice wallet he's like what a shitty guy so we do gay birthdays so we do uh our gay guys buy the best presents ever right so one year tom bought $3,000 electric bike that goes 40 miles an hour.
Oh, those things are sick. They're awesome.
Yes. And they're even better.
They're motorcycles. They're even better at 2 a.m.
when you're drunk and no one's out, right? Yeah. I got him this e-bike, and then he's like, I'm going to step it up.
I'm going to get you something that's more expensive, and then we'll top each other. And so it's been topping.
It was like, he got me a jet ski. So I buy him the next year.
He had moved to Austin. I bought him a $15,000 Wave Runner that goes 70 miles an hour.
Right? So he's like, nice. So then this year.
Does he use it? Every fucking day. Oh, okay.
Tom's a speed freak. Okay.
So he gets on glass and just. He uses it so much he bought a second one.
I got him charter flights in and out of Austin. This year he calls me up i'm stressed we got the movie coming out or we're wrapping the movie i'm doing screenings in like sugarland los angeles i'm doing shows i'm on tour and i'm stressed out tom knows and i'm doing two bears in austin and he knows i'm stressed out and he calls me up he goes happy birthday don't worry about next week it was like my busiest week and i go what he goes don't worry about it don't worry about it.
I got you. After your show in Minneapolis, I got a private jet.
It's going to pick you up. It's going to take you to Austin.
We're going to do two, two bears. Then private jet's going to take you to Sugar Land.
And it's going to drop you off to go to the screening of the movie. Then it's going to take you back to LA.
So you can see the girls and do your voiceover. And then the private jet is going to fly you back out on the road.
And I was like, for real? He was like, yeah. And he goes, and it's not one of the tiny ones.
It's the fucking G5. It's like the fucking big one.
It's like $70,000. And I'm like, all I thought was, motherfucker, I got to spend $100,000 on this guy next year.
He got me a fucking race car with a trailer. Right.
Because you can't drive it on the street. Yeah.
And so now it's about, and that was a substantial purchase. Yeah.
Yeah. So I said to him, he's really into cars and racing.
And I said, let's start two bears racing. I'll buy you a race car for your birthday.
And he's like, are you being serious? And I said, yeah. And he goes, no, you don't mess around with me.
This is like my dream. And I was like, done.
So I bought a $56,000 race car. We're doing endurance races, BMW endurance races.
Hell yeah. So how are you going to step it up to him? I have something planned I cannot give away.
Now what's the expectation on your part for him to come back at you next year? What's the ground floor for the price level? I'm assuming we're just going to double up. I'm thinking $200,000.
Yeah. I don't know.
I kind of want like a ranch house in Montana. But I have a pretty substantial gift idea.
So this sounds like something that we do on this show a lot, which is we get really into things. Yeah.
And our own like weird ideas and traditions and customs that we have here until it goes to a place too far. And we all have to agree that we have to stop doing it entirely.
I think we're about there with the gift giving. the gift giving well i was gonna say what year do you think one of you is going to the moon get us the the dates for next year i want we'll we'll build an entire grit week around it we don't care i love that it's i mean oh yes yeah we'll do it all we want to do it all so uh it didn't work out this year but yeah we're in we're in so let's get ahead of it and then we'll just block off the whole week it'll be like fuck it we're gonna come to nashville and we're gonna get fucked up don't billy you can't listen to that part billy's not allowed to drink on the road not no but maybe for tight end you i'm starting to think one night i'm gonna you know i'm gonna give him lights a sponsor yeah i'm gonna give him an emoji i'm giving him an emoji but he fucked up the man in question yeah but i'm giving him an emoji just because he's down on himself for that and that's showing like he cares.
He's down on himself because he thinks that he's not going to be able to get drunk. Yeah.
Billy, can you stand in front of the camera? Oh, there he is. That's worth an emoji.
He knows how to listen. If Billy could do 275 right now one time in front of you guys, he'll get an emoji.
Done. Okay, that's easy.
Easy. Easy.
He says that's easy. We'll end with this.
Let me see his body. Let's see his body.
Stand in front of the camera. Show your body.
He doesn't have pockets on his pants. Take your shirt off.
Take your shirt off. Can you take your shirt off for this? He wants to see your body.
He wants to see your body. Can you take your shirt off? I want to make a bet, but I got to take a look at what he looks like.
He's done it before, but this is a little more pressure because you guys are watching. Dan will you tell him to take his shirt off i want to make i want to make a bet but i got to take a look at what he looks like he's he's he's done it before but this is a little more pressure because you guys are watching i'm sorry dan will you tell him to take his shirt off take your shirt off george wants you to take your shirt off all right oh you're they said they're you're disinvited if you don't take the shirt off what take your shirt off how much weight did you just said that time out how much weight is on there uh 275 what kind of what kind of what are those weights what are those plates no warm up wait are you really not gonna take your shirt off you're a rookie 45 20 yeah wait wait they are saying that you're not invited if you don't take your shirt off i'm they take your shirt off he's george is saying he's got to take your shirt off all right thank you there it is all right look i'm even starting i'm showing you i want right now.
Hey, can you ask him why at 275 is there 100 things? Knocking everything over. It's like a fucking...
Chaos! Earthquake. I'm starting my notes app right now, the Billy T-E-U.
What emoji are you going to use? What do we use? I think maybe just the arm, the strength. Yeah, arm.
I think it's got to be the bicep. This is incredible.
Wide grip. He's got a wide grip.
There we go, Billy. He got it.
He got it. Way to go.
Arm. The guy did it.
You get an emoji. Did you just pop a peck? I'm giving him a look.
I just gave him one strength emoji. Look at that, Billy.
I think you have to have 15 emojis on me and PFT's phone individually. Did he just pop a pec? It's okay.
We want you to earn it. Yeah, we want you to earn it.
You know how much more you're going to enjoy this if you earn it? Big Cat. Yeah.
Ask him if he just popped his pec. Did you just pop your pec? No, he's fine.
He's crying about it. He's got like a little sore shoulder.
This happens every day. Yeah, he'll be fine.
He's like Big Ben. He's just like every injury.
Like, oh, this hurts. I don't like the way he's holding his shoulder.
He's fine. Trust me, I've seen this a million times.
That would be so funny if he got me reacting. Can we talk about why you guys have so many plates on for 275? What kind of plates are those? These are bumpers.
45, 25, 35, 10s. That's the most ridiculous way to get to 275 I've ever heard.

Yeah, we don't have enough 45s.

That's all the weights that we have.

Yeah, so.

So we were doing max Tuesdays, but then we ran out of weights.

And so it's just kind of like, I guess we just maxed.

I guess we benched all the weight in the world.

Yeah.

You can't get any stronger.

Thank God you don't have more.

This guy's pec would shred off.

Oh, he's hurt.

He's hurt.

He's fine.

I'm going to call it right now.

He's hurt.

I can see it in his eyes. He's hurt, not injured.
He's saying he had no warm-up, so he's hurt. I've seen guys get hurt before.
His face looks hurt. No, he's playing tough, but yeah, I think he's hurt.
He's got resting hurt face. I think he's hurt.
I'm going to actually give him, you know what? Because he's hurt, I'm going to give him the hospital emoji too. So he's got two on my book.
That's two. Good job, Billy.
So before you got into this room, we were actually having a discussion. We wanted to make you feel comfortable in the studio.
You're just starting to do podcasts. We want you to be cool.
We want you to be yourself. Would you be more comfortable if we were all shirtless as well? Or would you like to be the only shirtless? This is the greatest way I've ever started a podcast in the history of fucking podcasts.
Not only would it make me more comfortable, but it makes you guys more primals, right? Because most people are born primals. It definitely doesn't make me more comfortable.
It makes you more primal, though. I don't even think that's true either.
It's true. It just makes me be like, all right, cool.
Everyone's going to be like, hey, look how fat this guy is. And I'm just like, all right.
And I also like, you know, don't you want me to be me should i be me or should i be you what you don't understand is you being primal is your truest most authentic self before we started where primal me has a shirt on listen before we started wearing shirts right the truest expression of who we are bare chested uh-huh it's fucking how were you born with a shirt or without uh i think i had a shirt on yeah if you the way that you were born is how you should rock it. Okay, all times? I had a chain on.
I was wearing a necklace when it came out. What about, all right, so I would assume the primal part, and Billy has a lot of questions, so the primal part.
Off with the shirts. Who's taking the fucking, yes, Billy fucking football.
All right. Yes.
Yeah, I'll take it off. I did think like just you walking in here with our shirts off was just weird.
We're making history. I mean, it's not history.
We've taken our shirts off many times. No, I'll take it off.
I did think just you walking in here with our shirts off was just weird.

We're making history.

I mean, it's not history.

We've taken our shirts off many times.

No, this is the first podcast ever done shirtless by guys.

All right.

I guarantee you that the viewership's going through the roof right now.

Definitely not.

So the primal thing, is that no deodorant?

Hell, no deodorant.

Yeah, I know.

I noticed the musk. The musk is strong.
It's a strong a strong musk yeah this is how a man is supposed to fucking smell if everybody stopped wearing deodorant and perfumes right the new normal would be this fucking musk right would be melted tar pheromones right so you're just you're talking about france yeah that's not yeah i don't know if we want to be france but yeah okay so no no no deodorant I agree on the France thing right but like those people are detoxing right the way the fucking badass American lives right you you go fucking chop wood you go do hard fucking work multiple workouts a day the way that we eat the way that we sleep the way that we our fucking attitude there's a different smell to that there's a different smell and pheromones is exactly what i'm talking about if everybody's living a life like this you get a an attractive woman in here right you let her try to fuck us you you close she's gonna close her eyes she's gonna pick that

fucking american yeah because he smells like this yeah actually people will probably accuse you of

paying us to come on this podcast we for the record wanted you on um but yeah there's like a

whole handful of cash there's a whole industry of like people paying to to appear on other people's podcast yeah this is ridiculous all these ridiculous accusations people say i take peds people say i have ab implants wait wait wait wait wait can we be honest like you you definitely take peds you know what fuck it i'm gonna be on for the i'll be honest. I take PEDs.
I prioritize, execute, and dominate

every fucking morning.

I take PEDs.

I pray every day.

We both fucking take PEDs?

The whole world should take PEDs.

I take PEDs. I'm on Winstraw.

Don't know a whole lot about that.

But people say the same thing.

I got ab implants.

You can get ab implants? That's definitely what hanks i don't know about that hanks gotta get his six pack i'll pay for hank's surgery our other producer who's not here right now because he's now a suit and he hates his life he's actually the true beta like when you say the nine to five guy who goes and hates his life that's who you're talking about hank yeah he's convinced he can get a six-pack i think i'm gonna pay for his ab and i'm looking at ab implants right now they look they look pretty good i might have to wait the third image result on ab implants is you this is good i love it i love it right um and then after that it was hey he has hair implants right because let's see it let's see the hair because when i first went on social media i was always wearing a hat right right and then and then sometimes i don't wear a hat and people like hey you know you were bald because you're taking peds and then you got hair so the accusations will always cut i want to set the record straight in 2018 i went to signapore and i got gene editing done yeah i modified um my myostatin gene right and and this this is actually the truth i was the first human to ever do it it's always been wait what wait are you serious um this is this is how these funny accusations oh wait are you serious or no i'm completely fucking okay guys because what you did there is you made a joke but we don't know what you're talking about except billy like when you said that i was like what does that mean and billy was excited this is crisper right like and and and, again, the ancestral tenant right now is have a little fucking fun. Yeah.
Right? Let these accusations fly. You know what? You gave me 100K.
I gave you 100K. Yeah, right.
You did. You know, and then hopefully you- I'm going to pay for the ab implants for Hank.
That's right. When Hank has a six pack, it's like Liver King did that.
The song, the Dunder Mifflin, the people, the people, persons, paper, people.

That is a jam.

Have you thought about taking the-

I'm a paper.

Yeah, can you sing it?

Just go for it.

I'm stuck.

There's friendly faces around the block.

Break loose from them chains that are causing your pain.

Call Michael Stanley, Jim DeWiney Creek.

Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper.

And he's called Dunder Miffl me, people, persons, paper, people. Yeah.
I think that, have you ever like considered just changing the words to it not being about a fictional paper company and just making it into a hit? I have not. I think it's good enough.
Wow. I do too.
It's so smooth, yeah. I'd agree with that.
Why not just keep it like it is? Yeah, I guess so. This is me trying to organize a whole people want the office to reunite because they want to go back in time to feel the way that they felt about it the same time they first watched it.
That's what I'm doing with that song right now. I want to go back and listen to it again for the first time.
Do you have your act here? I do have a guitar down here, yeah. Oh, is it acoustic? Acoustic.
Go bust it out, man. Let's do a little something.
There you go. Shoot.
Why not? What do you want to sing? Purple Rain. Oh, you went right to expert mode there.
What do you want to do? Oh, one of the best songs from the best artist of all time. Real quick.

Why not?

Gotta put it on him there.

Who would you say are your favorite artist of all time?

Wow, man.

That's deep.

Michael Jackson.

Yeah?

Michael Jackson.

Prince.

Jenkins Brown.

Marvin A. Sam Kennison.
That's Jenkins Brown. Marvin A.

Sam Kinison.

That's a pretty good fucking list.

Are you searching how to play it?

No, what key do you want to play it in?

Let's go B flat.

B flat.

Okay.

Have you ever played Purple Rain?

I have, a long time ago. Do you need the lyrics? Uh-uh.
Limit caused you into sorrow. I never meant to cause you any sorrow.

I never meant to cause you any pain.

I only wanted one time to see you laughing.

I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain.

Purple rain. Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain. Purple Purple rain, purple rain.
I only want to see you, baby, in the purple rain. That's beautiful.
Yes. That's beautiful.
I mean, that was off the top. That's fucking sick.
Thanks, bro. Thanks.
Nice skills there. I heard a little funk.
I mean, you picked it in B flat, which is tough to do, and

make it sound nice and open.

Couldn't play any open chords on there.

It was a little high for me, too.

I mean, that

was fucking awesome. You do have a

smooth voice. You have a gift.

Yeah. I appreciate it.

Get it from my mom. Do you have something

for our good

boy, William Football?

Yeah, I do.

I just, you know, I'm an AWL.

We established that.

And I just, I'd like to jot notes down about Billy throughout the year.

And when I come on, I like to just, well, I just wrote them down.

Let's do it.

Yes.

I would love to hear it.

Okay.

This is a poem for Billy.

Billy,

Billy,

Billy.

This is a ditty for the man who seems to have it all made.

Billy,

Billy,

Billy. Even though he didn't grow hair in his pubis until the 11th grade.
Billy, Billy, Billy. We yearn for your knowledge and how wide it does span.
Billy, Billy, Billy. Like Wednesday when you referred to the country of Russia as one giant clam jam.

Billy, Billy, Billy, yes, some of your takes are, shall we say, strange.

But Billy, Billy, Billy, at least unlike Hank, you seem to believe in the climate change.

Billy, Billy, Billy, sometimes when you speak, we all turn to our radios and we shout.

Billy, Billy, Billy, shh, we can't hear you.

Your internet's going out.

Thank you. speak we all turn to our radios and we shout billy billy billy shh we can't hear you your internet's going out billy billy billy who are you exactly we only have a few hints billy billy billy we know you have a hedgehog and live with a man ben mince billy billy billy as a man you are near perfect Nothing with you is broken.
Billy, Billy, Billy, but God, do we wish we had video of you getting dunked on and hokokin. Billy, Billy, Billy, we all need your wisdom, so give him a raise for God's sake.
But Billy, Billy, Billy, we all know you're just going to get a coupon to pardon my cheesesteak. Billy, Billy, Billy, we love you, Billy.
And we love you with this crew. And Billy, Billy, Billy, never ever lose that dog in you.
This is a poem for Hank. Henry, Henry, Henry.
to the man behind the men who seems to have no fear. Henry, Henry, Henry, no matter what you do or say, the Patriots are strictly middle tier.
Henry, Henry, Henry, shout out to Coach Belichick, who, like you, is pretty tightly wound. Henry, Henry, Henry maybe he should stop hiring his children

and run Shout out to Coach Belichick, who, like you, is pretty tightly wound. Henry, Henry, Henry, maybe he should stop hiring his children and running that franchise to the ground.
Henry, Henry, Henry, the Tom Giselle split must be hard for you to cover. Henry, Henry, Henry, maybe they'd still be together if your boy was a more attentive lover.
Henry, Henry, Henry, we'd love to hear your takes and your comebacks that are sick. Henry, Henry, Henry, like motherfucker never smelt a football field, never did shit but eat a dick.
Henry, Henry, Henry, we love your addition to the team and you always seem so stable and

Henry Henry Henry in no way did you ever ever puke at a blackjack table it did happen Henry Henry Henry always bringing wisdom and never sounding dumb Henry Henry Henry even if you can't pronounce the word interim, say it, Henry. Interim.
Sorry? Interim. Interim.
I'm sorry? Interim. Interim.
Interim. Interim.
Henry, Henry, Henry, you get to the point, you're concise, and you are always frank. And Henry, Henry, Henry, for that, we will always be Team Hank.
We love you, Henry. There you go.
That was beautiful. We love you, BFB.
Wow. And Jerry, you didn't say anything about him not getting the lottery ball machine.
That's what I was waiting for. I'm not going to lie.
I thought it was just going to be about that. Is it weird? Now, you know, talking about Pulp Fiction, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Twins, all these movies that are classics.
And now people probably just yell rum ham at you when you're walking down the street. Absolutely.
Rum ham. Yeah.
If you had a moment where you're like, oh, this is what I'm at. This is what I am now.
Yeah. I've become.
Well, it's like kind of cool, though. You know what I mean? Like with the whole thing where you go, people transfer.
Like when Louis, when I did Taxi, you know, the next day it was like anywhere you went was Louis. Hey, Louis.
Hey, Louis, Louis. And they'd play the song when I come in.
And the whole thing, Louis, Louis. You know, that whole thing.
And then now with It's Always Sunny, Frank has become like, you know,

it's a strong, and the ham has been big.

It's a classic.

Oh, yeah.

People have tattoos in the ham.

Yeah.

So, is that weird for you, Lucy?

Like, your dad, you know, obviously all growing up, he's an actor,

and then he gets this part that becomes, like, we're the same age,

and, like, it's our age demo just loves this show and now loves your dad in a totally different way. No, I mean, it's it's it's awesome.
I think it's really cool. You know that he's able to like I don't know.
I have friends who see Sonny is one of those shows that like I've seen. I see it.
I've seen. But I don't know the episodes back and forwards like some people do.
And I love it that people know my dad in that way. I think it's really funny and awesome.
I don't know. I think it's cool.
It's a totally different second act of your entire career. Always Sunny is, I think if you pull everyone in this office, it's a top five show for everyone.
Yeah. Oh, that's awesome.
We've done enough of them. Right? We're going to do more, though.
Yeah? We're going back. Yeah.
We're going to go in. You know, the guys are great to work with.
You know, and they do a, they actually have a podcast, by the way. Oh, yeah.
That they've been doing. I haven't been on it yet.
But the whole idea is that we're going to go back, I think, in January for season, coulds yeah something like that man but we have a good time doing it and you just say like look and i do almost anything basically you know it's written that we talk about it and everything like am i going to come out of a couch naked or am i going to am i going to jump flat fall out? Am I going to be slimed? And what's going to happen? And I'm game. You know, I did whitey tighties naked in that, or half naked in a couple shows where I was laying on the ground.
Oh, yeah. Was that? I was slimed.
Nightworms? I was washing. Was that the game you would play? Something like that.
Oh, well, you mean with Charlie. Yeah.
You just crawl around on your stomach in the middle of the night. Yeah, we do that.
I mean, I shit in the bed once. You poop the bed.
You poop the bed. They're a little nuts, those guys.
I think the great part about that show is that you can keep getting away with a lot of stuff. All the characters can do basically whatever they want because the unspoken joke that the audience is in on is that all these

characters are detestable yeah and they're bad and they're all assholes so you you can say things on that show that you wouldn't be able to say if you were not operating under that premise so i guess my question would be like is has there ever been a moment where they tried to write something that was so out there that you're like i don't i don't think we can make this funny well no they did one thing we we try everything you know we try all kinds of stuff but they did one thing i was uh i remember it was early morning i was going to go to work i was about to go to a read-through of the first uh script for that season i can't remember which season and somebody handed me a script at the house and said look the the guys that changed their mind they're going to do this script instead of the one you were going to read and i said oh oh god okay he said but they want you to read it right away so and they're all in the office and i want to hear what you have to say because they're going to change up and this is going to be the first show of the season i said cool so i start reading it and it's a show normal show they're in the bar they're going to change up, and this is going to be the first show of the season. I said, cool.
So I start reading it, and it's a show, normal show. They're in the bar.
They're doing some prank. They're doing something.
They're trying to get over on somebody, and they need a hooker. So they send me out to get a hooker.
So I go in a car. I go to get a hooker.
I get arrested immediately. Page four, I get arrested, right? I'm thrown in jail.
I'm in a shower getting banged by some guy. Okay, wait a while.
So, and I read, and then they go back to the bar, and they're doing some orientics and everything. They wrote an entire script where I get banged like six times by white supremacists, by cops, by everybody, until the very last moment.
Like the cop, Frank is frank is like you know description of me laying on a cot i'm depleted you know i've been banged by everybody and and and the the cop says somebody uh made your bail and i go oh thank god i get up you know and it says he's walking he can't walk and and and finally the the cop this big guy says he's got a billy club in his hand he says well frank you're not gonna leave before you say goodbye and he throws me down on the ground and all the cops come and they're and in the last very last moment of the script the cop leans into me and says, April Fool, motherfucker. And I knew immediately that it was April 1st and those sons of bitches wrote a whole script just to bust my balls.
That's amazing. Holy shit.
I called them up. They were all sitting around with the speakerphone laughing their asses off.
I was like an inch away from calling my lawyer. At the same time, like, it's a fucked up script, but I could actually see that work.
Yeah. It's an hilarious show.
I mean, I'm sure it was a good script. Yeah.
I visualized the whole thing. I was like, that's funny.
He got to the end. Yeah.
Yeah. That year.
98 was huge. We saved that team from being the L.A.
Cardinals. I mean, they were the L.A.
Cardinals, if not for 98. Yeah, go to the playoffs.
So that was your first time being a backup. The next time you were a backup was your last game, right? And I read the story.
It's very funny. So it's a great story.
Everyone should read it on Sports Illustrated.

But Jake essentially tells a story that he's the backup.

At first, he was upset that he was a backup.

But then he realized, like, hey, why don't I enjoy this?

Like, I'm going to go out and enjoy the fans eating hot dogs at halftime.

So you get in the last game, and you were just like, fuck it.

I'm just going to throw it deep and see what happens.

No, not at all.

I was rolling to my left and saw Javon Walker taking a break,

going deep, and so I let it go.

I mean, I think the ball traveled 50-plus yards in the air.

Right when it was coming down, he got tripped,

and the guy came flying in and picked him off.

So that was my last throw in the NFL, which I'm fine with.

Yeah, right.

I came to the league to try to make a play,

and that's what I told him. I walked by Shanahan.
He's looking at me like, what? I'm like, trying to make a play, coach. We sat down on the bench, and my QB coach, Pat McPherson, comes over, and he starts to pull something out.
I was like, yeah, you can go ahead and get out of here. Get out of here.
I'm not talking to you anymore. I don't need to tell you what I was doing.
I mean, I was trying to make a play. I wanted to win the game.
Jesus Christ. Put me in the game.
We win that game. We go to the playoffs.
I mean, just no offense to Jay either. It was just that was my team.
Yeah. And when I came back out, that energy was still there.
I felt it. And it felt good to kind of like my last curtain call was a haymaker rolling to my left trying to make a play.
I threw 161 TDs in the NFL, and I also threw 161 interceptions. Oh, wow.
That's sick. That's the definition of trying to make a play.
I came out even. A lot of good ones and some bad ones.
You are the ultimate hands-off-the-wheel guy. That's so perfect that the universe ended your NFL career on that play with the same amount of touchdowns as interceptions.
Yeah, I mean, it's kind of funny. There were about a good 10 of those maybe, maybe a little more, were Hail Mary's at the end of the first half with the Cardinals too.
Right, right. So keep in mind, I didn't throw it out of the end zone like a lot of QBs would for their rating.
I was like, come on, let's get this TD. Trying to make a play.
We're throwing a Hail Mary. I'm trying to make a play.
I put it into the end zone, and there'd be a defensive guy who would pick it off. So at least 10 of those.
Even Dave Brown, my backup, was like, dude, throw those out of bounds. I'm like, are you kidding me, man? If we get a touchdown going in, we come out, we get another touchdown, we're only down by 14 now.
Instead of 28, we got down by 14 like that. I mean, I never gave up until the clock was over.
That's awesome. That's what my teammates loved is I think that I just never let them be complacent.
Everybody loves you.

You guys are fantastic.

You're great for football.

Thanks for having me on the show.

One, two, three. I'm going to be your lover, baby I'm going to be your lover, baby Come on, take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me So Thank you.
Take me. Thank you.