The Blueblood Final 4 Is Set, Coach K Suck Fest, Emergency Will Smith Oscars Segment + Bert Kreischer In Studio

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, Burt Kreischer back in studio. People thought I was joking at the end of Friday's show when I said he's on, on Monday's show, because they thought I was just saying the original interview, but no, he came back, all new stories.
Hilarious guest. Laughed very, very hard multiple times talking about all of Burt's hijinks.
We have our final four set. The Blue Blood Invitational is set.
We're going to talk about the weekend, the Elite Eight, Friday Night's Games, where we're at as a podcast. It's going to be a blood war in New Orleans.
And then after bert we're going to talk billy's got his spreadsheet we're going to do some marsh madness he's going to tell us uh some of his one shining moments and hank has a full send parlay that he's contemplating that we will discuss as well before we do all of that ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working? Nah, neither has Ariat.

Ariat work jackets and boots are packed with all the cold stopping waterproof protection you need

to get the job done under any conditions so you can take any job out there and always deliver.

Check out Ariat in your local workwear retailer or visit Ariat.com slash work to get 10% off your

first order when you sign up for email. And whether whatever in Ariat Work Gear.

Let's go. And then a lot of work to be done.
No place to hang out or wash in. And then I can't blame all on the sun.
Oh, no. We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
And then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
It's Pardon My Take. Presenting about martial sports.

Welcome to Pardon My Take.

Today is Monday, March 28th, and the Blue Blood Invitational is set.

The final four is ready to go.

The Holy War, Duke vs. UNC, Kansas and Villanova were there.

It's going to be an all-time weekend in New Orleans.

This might be the best final four start to finish in terms of brands in terms of not to go all revel our word yeah but uh if you look at you mentioned blue bloods these are four i would even say villanova might be a blue blood i saw somebody asked you if they were blue blood new blood is how you could refer to them but they do also they have the 85 you know so they they're i always say counter to that is like duke wasn't anyone until coach k showed up yeah so i mean you got to build your history at some point i would take away i would take away one drop of blue blood from kentucky like elizabeth holmes and i'm giving it to Villanova. Biggest losers are definitely Kentucky, Indiana, UCLA, the blue bloods that didn't get invited to the blue blood party, and a special terrible, terrible weekend.
If you are an NC State fan, go abroad. Go somewhere where your cell phone doesn't work.
Do not watch these games. I feel terrible for you.
I don't know. I think NC State fans know who they are in basketball.
We had Jimmy V. But this is a disaster.
You're surrounded. Their big brothers are about to clash on the main stage.
We're going to have a fucking five-day suck of Coach K's penis. And then're gonna have carolina versus duke i nc state fans my heart goes out to you it would almost be worse if it was a year where it was like where wake forest was really good then you're just surrounded by people kicking your ass non-stop at least they had that college baseball run last year yeah and they're probably gonna have a player get drafted that's so mean that's so mean oh i just realized what hank did there yeah the covid fucked him they were the best team in the country that's that's so mean that's fucked hank that's hey that's a dookie for you though they fucking know they they thumbed their nose at everyone else the state school yeah exactly it's like okay safety school hank hank could have gotten there with his eyes closed yeah hank got a full academic scholarship to n State.
Turned it down. I do think though that if UNC, and

it's interesting, like everyone's going to say, oh, these

two teams have never played before in the NCAA

tournament. Have you heard that one yet? Wait, what?

No, that's first reported by us on

Parted by Take. First time, you must credit

if you see anybody saying that this is

the first time they're playing in the history of the tournament, that

stat actually came from us initially.

I think that we're in a position

where if UNC wins,

that would be an all-time vindication

to first time they're playing in the history of the tournament that stat actually came from us initially i think that we're in a position where if unc wins that would be an all-time vindication for roy williams being a better head coach than coach k not only all the stats that we've laid out before you showing what what roy williams has done since he got to carolina at that same time period against coach k's teams but if roy williams picked the perfect time to walk away and his hand chosen successor beat coach k who stuck around for a year-long suck fest only to have the most talented team in college basketball that ended up losing to roy williams hand-picked successor after he walked away with no retirement suck fest i think that's another feather in the cap for roy he also though has it could go the other way for him UNC could lose and Kansas could win it all and then Bill Self he already has a better resume at Kansas than Roy Williams did but it would be like a total dunk on of his resume at Kansas first Roy Williams yeah he was a better Kansas coach than Roy Williams better in the state of North Carolina than Coach K. So, you know, this is going to be, on a personal level, this is, I would imagine, the biggest game of my life where neither of my teams have anything to do with it.
I was trying to think about it, like, obviously, a big Packers playoff game or LeBron in the finals, but this is, it's everything you love about sports because I, like, if UNC wins, it will be one of the best nights ever. Again, without my team involved.
If Duke wins, it couldn't be more of a storybook like ride for Coach K. He's already, I've already admitted some defeat because getting to the final four is like his farewell tour has worked.
And I also just want to say, Hank, I feel for Coach K at this point in the farewell tour. He had a quote on Wednesday where he said, it wears on you a little bit because everywhere you walk, everyone is taking a picture of you and they're watching everything.
And I just like this poor guy, everyone's trying to take a picture of him on this tour that he announced 10 months ago. I never saw this come.
That was never the idea that we got. Never, ever.
It was all about the players all the time. So Coach K, living in a fishbowl here, again, after announcing his retirement tour 10 months ago and then making everyone suck him off for 10 months straight, I feel bad for him.
His penis is probably tired, Hank. He's been sucked dry.
Yeah. And he's still got five more days to go.
There's only so so much you can produce so um yeah this i it's this is monumental i'm very very nervous for this this weekend because it's all i spent all day saturday uh i actually made myself maybe my favorite like the best the best uh twitter big cats ever performed ever had i i made myself saturday, it was like porn. I made myself sick.
I made myself sick on Saturday. Were you Durham Dan? I was.
I was Dookie Dan. I ended up Saturday night having a splitting headache because I spent all day Saturday looking up obscure Coach K facts and tweeting about how he was already in the Final Four.
I even had Quigs and memes work up a Photoshop that I pretended that Duke deleted a tweet and everyone thought it was real. So I had to like actually be like, yo, wait, this isn't real.
Wait, what tweet was it? It was it was congrats on your 13th final four from the Duke men's basketball. Like they accidentally tweeted that ahead of time.
Right before the game, I was like, OK, I spent all day trying to jinx duke and then right before the game i tweeted it was like guys i'm a little nervous that that duke just jinxed this and everyone took it as real and was like ncaa rigged we like you got you're telling me this isn't already set did you get reported for misinformation i didn't i don't know but i know that count has been flagged i know that i looked at the quote tweets after like 10 minutes and everyone was like this shit is so rigged they already fucking know they're in the final four that would have been that would have been very funny if big cat and the babylon b were the two people out there fighting to get back onto twitter i was yeah so it's it's it's been a hellacious time i don't know I'm getting dunked on by Grayson Allen on Thursday night,

which there's an extra special thing that sucks that happens is when I get dunked on.

And I retweet it because I deserve to get dunked on.

I went game of the year on Texas Tech.

It didn't work out.

I always will eat my humble pie when things blow up in my face.

But I retweeted it.

And then like two seconds later, I see Henry Lockwood retweeted it because he saw me retweet it. But it was a retweet that was not in the spirit of good fun.
Yeah, and he saw me retweet it, so he then spite retweeted it in my face. No, it was a great – it was like, thank you for bringing this to my attention.
What you did was targeted harassment. Correct.
No. Yeah, no, yeah, that's exactly – when Big Cat did it, it was like, oh, I can joke about myself.
Yeah, like, I can eat it, you do it. It's like promotion, it's like, you know, we're in a sports podcast when, you know, these major sports athletes are...
Is Big Cat the, is he the first person that has ever been dunked on by Grayson Allen? No, he's thrown down. The other one, the other one yesterday that, it came out of Spider, it came out of this joking phrase, but the Bear, Chris Falca, replied to one of your tweets

talking about how they're going to go to the Final Four

already before the game. He said,

Today they will beat Arkansas, which beat them in

1994 title game. He will avenge

loss to UNC in final game at Cameron,

and then he will beat Kansas in title game.

Wins his last game and last title

versus the same team he beat for his first title.

It is laid out like a storybook

right now. I almost cried.
It's kind of crazy. This is NCAA race.
That is not crazy. Because fucking Coach K has been coaching for 200 fucking years.
Of course he's played every team in the tournament. The guy won't fucking give up a job just like he did with the USA basketball.
Three in a row is beautiful. A team that you lost to in the championship.
You forgot Izzo. Yeah, I guess that too.
Who did they beat in the – Fullerton. Yeah, Fullerton.
There's probably – somebody find me that storyline out there that somehow connects Coach K to Cal State Fullerton. I mean, Jake's going to talk about running out of loads.
He's going to come himself every single day. Did you see some of the connections I made last night? I do want to see, though, Jake, that'll be a good project for you.
Figure out, because that's going to be the missing piece. Somebody will be able to connect a dot on every single one of Coach K's victories this March Madness, except Fullerton.
So if you have that extra link. I did this as a joke yesterday, and I made myself so fucking sick doing it because I found some insane stats.
So, Coach, I don't know why I'm repeating this it's again it makes me want to fucking jump in front of a bus but coach k uh the most the the site that has held the most final fours in his career since he's been at duke is the superdome yet he never has been to a final four in the superdome he even had a stretch where he went to seven out of nine final four. The two that didn't go during that stretch were in the Superdome.

And one of them was won by Bobby Knight, his mentor.

The other was won by Dean Smith and UNC in 93.

Wow.

Also, the one that made me really sick is he has made the Final Four from every region except the West.

He finally did that last night.

He completed the perfect bracket.

Even though he wanted to be in the Midwest.

Yes. All these stats.
He beats John john wooden with the most final fours it's just it's sickening and there's a documentary camera but again this is what is great about sports because saturday night is nuts on the table lungs liver stomach heart brain everything is on the table for this game. It's Duke Carolina.
Have they ever met in the tournament? Let me look it up. No, they actually haven't.
So despite the fact that they've combined for 36 Final Fours, they've never met in the NCAA tournament. Off the top of my head, I think Kentucky and Marquette have met the most with 10.
Wow. And it's everything is in there.

Everything is in there.

Like if UNC wins this game, it will be devastation for Duke.

And if Duke wins this game, it will be like the loss,

his last loss in Cameron doesn't count.

I know this.

And the worst part is like on a purely basketball standpoint,

Duke's playing fucking unbelievable.

Like I'll admit it.

They are playing lights out basketball. They're so goddamn good on the offensive side of the ball and like everyone that they needed because i've unfortunately spent enough time around hank and and rico and marty that i know all the players on duke like all the guys they were complaining about in january are playing their balls off now they're they're a fun team like i don't know shit about college basketball.
They're not fun. And from when I started watching them, the first game, I actually saw them that tip-off game against Kentucky.
I checked in with Duke a few times over the course of the year. They seem like they have the best team.
When everybody's, like, when you have Bancaro, Roach, and Kiehl's all playing well at the same time, I don't think. And Roach is the one.
I don't think that you can stop them. They hated Roach in January.
They thought Mark Williams couldn't do anything in January. Mark Williams is awesome now.
Now these guys are like all-stars. Oh, also, I just thought of this.
I popped it in my head because you mentioned that first game. Didn't Kentucky win that game? Did they beat Duke? No, Duke won.
Oh, Duke won. I know Kentucky kicked the shit out of Kansas, so that's got to hurt to know that you beat the fuck out of a team that is in the Final Four.

I will also be claiming this Duke National Championship on behalf of Northern Virginia because they have two guys that went to school at Chantilly. Hell yeah.
Like right down the street. This is a Nova Championship.
And actually, you know what? Think about this, Big Ed. But if they beat UNC, they get to the championship game.
Wouldn't it be sweeter to see coach K go out losing in the national

championship on the biggest possible stage?

Oh yeah,

that would be awesome.

But again,

I'm running out of time.

I've done everything.

I went game of the year on his ass.

I went fucking reverse and,

and dookie Dan on his ass all day.

Made me want to kill myself.

I,

I now I'm going to put them in the CLP.

I'm running out of bullets.

I don't know what else to do. It's go.
It's going to happen. I've, I've kind of come to terms with the fact that like, it's probably going to happen and it'll leave the room.
It's good. No, it's going to make me so, so a part of me will die.
A part of me will die when coach K cuts down the nets one last time and I have to watch it. And I'm just like, how could, and then they're going to put out the documentary and i'm going to watch the documentary because i have to because i have to find the points when he's being an egomaniac and a piece of shit and clip that post you don't think he's going to be the one that has final cut of that but i don't think he can i don't think he knows how fucking ridiculous he is when he's like i'm just sick of everyone taking pictures of me and and making this about me like he has no self-awareness no i i hope they include the part where he told paulo bancaira to shut up last night on the court that was something yeah he came out he was just like this is the goat right here which by the way i still think john wooden is a goat uh but she did but so did coach everybody cheated yes um oh by the way i figured out why i say wooten i was watching the games and my dad last night.
We were talking about the best coaches. He incessantly refers to John Wooden as John Wooten, which is, I guess that's like a regional dialect that I picked up from him.
Just the region just being your home? Yeah, no, it's as Bruce Allen would say, the McLean accent that he's got that throws off. But yeah, Paolo Benquero was on the court being like, this is the GOAT.

And Coach K, what does he say?

He doesn't say, oh, thanks, that's so nice.

Or this is my favorite player.

No, Paolo, you're the GOAT.

No, he says, shut the fuck up and get off the camera.

Shut the fuck up.

Go get another vodka soda.

Yeah.

I have the Cal State Fullerton potential connection.

It was their first time ever playing each other,

but on the date they played each other,

Mike Trashevsky was introduced as Duke's head coach on that date in 1980. Wow.
Wait, that was when? When they played Cal State Fullerton. Was the last time? Wait, oh, that date.
Got it, got it, got it. That Superdome stat was crazy.
Yeah. That fucking makes me so sick.
I got to do some research on the Superdome and figure out exactly what the play is going to be for the over-unders in these Final Four games. Some football stadiums are good for points.
Some are really bad for points. Well, over-unders are on 11-1 streak right now in the Sweet 16 Elite Eight.
So this Elite Eight was exactly why I said this to start the tournament. I want upsets early, favorites late.
And I'm not even going to blame the the great run by st peters or the great run by miami or even like arkansas who stunned gonzaga i'm going to blame the guys who lost gonzaga like fuck you kentucky fuck you auburn fuck you like you guys ruined the elite eight for everyone else tennessee fuck you yeah you ruined it was, we all knew it was going to end. When it was going to end, it was going to end very badly and that was, I mean, it was never even close.
We always say, like, if a team pulls off that upset, 99 times out of 100, UNC wins this game. Yeah, this was one of the 99 times.
Yeah, and also, no one hated that game more than Matt Painter, because he was watching that game being like, wait, what's happening here? I thought this team was really good. What a bad job he did that Purdue did against them.
You've got them outsized. You've got one of the best players in the entire country, and then you just show up and you get dominated by guys.
Position to position, you were probably four to five inches short of them yeah across the board yeah that was a really bad game plan that they had also st peter's hit a lot of good shots in that game but the uh the the slippers off of the peacocks yeah and i we should we should at least mention because i i think unfortunately for nova and kansas fans they're basically in the back seat for this final four even though they are blue blood bloods and have, like, you know, incredible history, basketball history and fans and everything. But this is not going to be about them.
Like, trigger warning, it's not going to be about you for the next five days, six days. But Villanova, terrible that Moore got hurt.
They are the most consistent team in the country. Like, they just – everyone had Houston.
Everyone had Houston's like oh okay villanova's getting points they're like that game was very difficult to watch but that's villanova just doesn't how soon win how soon do you think until we see nick sirianni showing up with a villanova oh for sure he's probably getting like a big v tattooed on his arm he's definitely got it and then kansas like they deserve all the credit because they had the softest bracket, but guess what? They took care of business. That second half, they skull-fucked Miami.
And I feel bad for Miami because they were – they did win the game of the year on Friday night, but they – that was just like, oh, okay, yeah, Kansas is really, really, really good. And Bill Self, credit to Kansas for having the situational awareness in the locker room after no one does the water on bill self's hair because he's got a toupee so that's very smart it's it is like a pretty good toupee as far as toupees go yeah but there's somebody that spends that much time in front of a camera especially with like the high angles that they have uh that point down on coaches you can always tell like probably five years before a college football coach is actually going bald you can start you can spot it yeah from those angles

but his toupee is it's a good one uh but he i feel like he also has to change the color of it

once every like month or so because the rest of the fbi the rest of the hair is like going

slightly gray so he has to almost reverse just for men the right but it is very funny because

i noticed that and i was like oh yeah i bet you if this toupee gets wet it won't get wet

Thank you. slightly gray so he has to almost reverse just for men the right but it is very funny because i noticed that and i was like oh yeah i bet you if this toupee gets wet it won't get wet and people be like hey why is this guy's hair not wet yeah like it just it just it wicks off like fucking astroturf he he would look hilarious if he just went full bald if he had like the horseshoe i'm talking like he just took the toupee off i i don't remember ever seeing kind of a frumpy, just straight-up bald dude coaching a successful men's basketball team.
Well, I guess Rick Majerus wasn't frumpy. He was a hoss.
He's a big boy. I have some little nuggets related to your guys over.
You don't know what you're going to take yet. 2012, Superdome, New Orleans.
Semifinals, 130, 126, championship, 126. Was that was was that 35 second though what 35 second shot clock oh yeah okay so we're gonna look deeper into that scoring yeah but that that's around where totals were when it was 35 second shot fair yeah but those are all probably under numbers but possibly i'll look into it what awesome alumni do you think we're gonna see down there Do you think we can get Mark Mangino in Kansas? Whoa.
Mark Mangino. But what? I mean, everyone's going to be down there.
Marty Mush. Henry Lockwood.
You got the fucking best. Seinfeld.
Seinfeld. Adam Silver.
Kevin Hart. Tony Romo.
What team will Kevin Hart do? Jason Garrett. That's a big question.
Kevin Hart's got a lot of choices. He's going to go with whatever team pays him the most money.
Yeah i can see kevin hart showing up in any of the four colors uh i could see uh jb smooth showing up i think it's gonna be a star-studded weekend yeah mj will be there but he's definitely gonna just show up like right before tip and like helicopter to his seat out do you think mj goes out and parties in new orleans i feel like he's got got probably a steakhouse or a bar that he owns in every single city. There's a casino.
There is. I'd say it's a casino.
Is there like low-key beef with MJ in Carolina too? But he was there for the – Oh, yeah, the ceiling is the roof. Yeah, and he was also there for the finals when Villanova hit the shot.
J.J. Redick already said that he's going to be there, and he tweeted he's going to be insufferable this week.
I don't know why that's a change from how he usually is. I love J.J.
It's not celebrity. I hate him right now.
But it's athlete. Zion's going to be back in the mix big time because he's in New Orleans.
Oh, it's a city. He's hosting it.
Wait, do we know where he is, though? Because even his teammates don't know where he's at. Last I saw from Zion, he was practicing basketball on a court that had trample.
It was basically a slam ball court. If you watch the video, either he's so big that he makes the wood bend underneath him, or he's practicing on mini tramps to show people he can still dunk.
It would be funny if he came out and, like, I know there's no coin toss, but if it was just like a pancake or something like that, Zion's just eating. It's his city.
People love him in New Orleans. You think J james is going to be there uh no he's training yeah it's comeback season definitely it's big time comeback season i'm trying to think who else uh paul rudd possibly he's usually in the mix for sure uh what's his name um other guy uh rob low rob riggle yep we'll be there kansas kirk kirk captain k Kirk.
I would love to get a picture of Captain Kirk. Yeah, it should be Caleb Presley.
No. No? No.
Oh, I feel a lot worse about. I feel like that's going to change, but as of tonight, it was a no.
Mitch Trubisky? Yeah, Mitch. Mitch should be there.
Mitch should be there. Not only is he a UNC guy, but he has an enormous track record of success in that building.
I believe that's where he won the MVP. It is.
That's MVP. The MVP is in the building.
Yeah, MVP Mitch. I'm excited, though.
This is, I don't know, Jake, you were saying some people said this is a boring Final Four. I think this is one of the most exciting Final Fours.
It's a journalist's dream. Yeah.
Also, it's boring. I would say a fan's dream as well because it's, I mean, all the storylines.
And a special fuck you to, there's a group of people out there that I've noticed who are like, I don't like Duke, but you got to admit this is really cool. No, no.
I fucking hate those people. No, I do not.
They're like, I don't like Duke, but something about Coach K going out the right way has me feeling some way. No, dude, shut up.
Then you like Duke. You like Duke.
No, to any sports fan, I think any rational thinking person who is a fan of sports, a fan of greatness, would feel the same way. Unless you have a personal vendetta against Coach K or Duke, there's no reason why you shouldn't.
Yeah, probably because he beat all their teams. But there's no reason why as a neutral sports fan, you don't look at the story and be like, that's awesome.
All right, Duke is binary. Duke is, if you don't have an opinion about Duke, I don't trust you as a sports fan.
Either you love Duke or you hate them. You can't be like, I don't know.
I never really had an opinion about Duke. I do think, that this is it's good for the conversation around it it's it's exciting in the sense that everybody feels

some type of way about this game that's about to happen yeah that's fine but i just so exciting

is one thing but it's not being like you know as as somebody who's not a duke fan i'm not like

pumped that duke's going to be there no i'm i'm excited to talk about duke being there yeah that's

fine i'm excited for like all the trappings that go around it and getting to make fun of duke

Thank you. pumped that duke's going to be there no i'm i'm excited to talk about duke being there yeah that's fine i'm excited for like all the trappings that go around it and getting to make fun of duke and hopefully watch duke lose there but that doesn't mean that i'm like you know what i can yeah i can put aside my emotion and just say this is making for excellent cops dude that that actually is happening right now and i just want to like give a mini speech to all of the duke haters out there that we've, listen, you've been tortured.
This guy has tortured college basketball for 40 years. He's made it all about himself.
He's won all these titles. He's gone to 13 Final Fours.
He's basically just sucked up all the oxygen of college basketball. Don't let up now.
We're right there. We're at the finish line.
We have to close ranks. We have to have each other's back.
If you hate Duke, continue to hate Duke. Do not, like, just because fucking Mickey Krzyzewski shows up looking kind of hot, don't be like, oh, Coach K, I'm feeling some kind of way about this guy.
Add that to the list, Hank. Yeah, that's definitely on the list.
That's fine. I did have one guy being like, I could never imagine.
During Dookie Dan on Saturday, some guy was like, Coach K is one of those guys I could never imagine having sex. And I just almost threw up.
As I was typing it, I threw it up. I was like, are you kidding me, dude? Mike K fucks like a stallion.
And I was like, I can't believe I just tweeted this. I retweeted that one, too.
I don't think he doesn't fuck. He makes love.
But let's just stay focused. Don't let anyone.
There's going to be stories written about like, I never really liked Duke, but you got to admit, this is really cool for Coach K. And like, wouldn't this be sweet? No, it would not.
If you have that moment for like one second, slap yourself in the face and realize that he will have this over us forever. And we'll have to watch a documentary.
And Duke fans will get to talk about how it was the greatest thing ever. Duke fans have never gotten to go to New Orleans.
They haven't gone to New Orleans. And they shouldn't be allowed because they're fucking losers.
I don't think that Duke alumni are cool enough to be in New Orleans. Anyone need a lawyer this weekend? Maybe they represent Tulane, like a Tulane kid that gets arrested for drunk driving his car down Bourbon Street.

Oh, I feel really bad for bouncers on Bourbon Street this weekend because they're going to get a lot. I'm a lawyer.
My dad's a lawyer. Don't put your hands on me.
Yeah, don't get into a fight on Bourbon Street. Not for the usual reasons that you'll get your ass kicked, but because you will face a tremendous lawsuit that will bankrupt you and your family.
I remember when in 2015, I was talking to a bartender, and they're like, if Duke wins, we're making a fraction of what we should be making on a Final Four weekend. Because no one from Duke's going to party.
Yeah. So you know how when Clemson goes out? That happens, man.
And their families go to different away games, and they bring $2 bills with them, and they pay with $2 bills. Are you wearing all your Wisconsin gear? So that way they can show the impact that they're having on the local community.
That's a real thing that Clemson does. Yes.
Duke is going to be like that, except they're just going to have a bunch of business cards that they put into every single tip container. And ceasing to sit NDAs.
This is better than a tip. Just passing out NDAs to people on Bourbon Street.
Yeah, it's going to be rough. Keep the hate up.
Let the hate fuel you. Another thing to add to the NCAA rigged pile, a first-year head coach has never won a national championship.
Wow, wait. Who is he playing against? Kevin Olley was not first-year? I don't think so.
I think he might have been. It also might have been an old article that I read earlier today.
It would be great if the article was like 2010. Yeah, it could have been.
I don't know. I know he won very quickly after Jim Calhoun left.
I don't know if it was one or second. How awesome would it be? 2012 to 2018.
Okay, so it was 2014. Yeah, two years.
How awesome would it be if Coach K got beat by a guy named Hubert? Yeah. I love Hubert.
Hubert is such a cool name. Some podcasts put him on the hot seat this year.
Not us. I mean, I'll represent the team, but it was an individual.
So we're going to go down that road. I'm excited, though.
This is going to be great. It's awesome.
Tony Bennett and Hubert Davis both on the hot seat by some individual. This is what we call biting your tongue.
You're going to be in the building, right? you're gonna be credentials covering it as the jay i'm expecting to be on the roof but it's gonna be unbelievable yeah it's gonna be so much fun yeah press conferences you're gonna be at all of them can you can we please can we can you please ask a question for us i think we can negotiate negotiate. Okay.
Like nothing that would make me look embarrassing,

but I can be like a little... Be like, hey, Coach K,

some programs are calling you a fucking egomaniac

and a piece of shit.

Care to comment?

Right.

Coach K, what battalion did you serve in in Vietnam?

Like something along the lines of...

Take off those fucking camos.

We got...

Actually, we should have Billy do that.

Something along the lines of... You're not a real troop.
There are a lot of people who really, really, really, really want to see you fail. What do you have to say to them? Oh, that would be a good one.
I would love that. Like something along the lines of that.
I would love that. We need to role play because you're going up against a Titan.
Yeah. And so you need to be able, you can't I got Calipari at the beginning of the season.
Yeah, but Coach K will tell you to shut the fuck up. Yeah, let's role play.
I'll be Coach K. You be Jake Marsh.
Okay. Yeah, that kid.
Was that Belichick? That kid in the back. Hey, Coach.
Not going to wish him good luck. Listen, let me tell you something about how to phrase a question.
I could introduce myself as a student media member and see if I get a different treatment. Oh, yeah.
No, he'll fucking have you killed. He'd sniff that out in a second.
Ask him. You know what? If you could ask any question, I would like you to ask, Hey, Coach K, unassailable legacy, Hall of Famer, greatest coach of all time.
Could you at least dedicate this final four to Pete Gaudette and see what he would say? That would be nice. I think the first one's more realistic about the failure.
Come on, Jake. It'd be great if he was like, at the end, maybe that would, actually that might be the one thing that would make me feel 1% less hate if he was like, if he won it and cut down the nets, he's like, and really, who should have been here is Pete Gaudette because I fucking screwed that guy over and ruined his career.
He should at least give a portion of the net or share a title with him. Yeah.
And you know that if he loses, it's going to be like Duke's plane and hotel bill sent to Pete Gaudette's house. Yeah, that question that I pose is more of like a Friday afternoon media day question than postgame.
Because postgame, you're really walking on eggshells, especially if they lose. Yeah.
If they lose yeah if they win maybe no if they lose I want you to go all in that's the thing yeah I want you to go all in be like coach K his final press if he lost to UNC be like coach K many people are saying that this completely ruins your entire legacy and all of your losses are now magnified even more care to comment well we'll see all right we'll work we have all week to talk about we'll work it out i'm excited fortunate um um yeah it's gonna be great it's gonna be a great final four this is a final four that is just dreamt up in a journalist's wet dream watch it beyond your possible yeah god i hope that was the whole week you know? This is like in the playoffs. Remember the first week of the NFL playoffs? Yeah.
That sucked? Yes. That's what today was.
That's what yesterday was for us. That just means that the next round of games are going to be fucking awesome.
Yeah, no, these are the four teams that are playing the best. You can't argue against it.
I saw people saying like, oh, UNC, they're the eighth seed. They were on the bubble.
UNC beat two teams in the Final Four last year. They beat the National Championship.
and the other two games, they won by 52 combined points. They're balling right now.
Yes. Please, UNC.
I need you, UNC. I mean, I'm telling you, it would be the perfect storybook ending for every Duke hater in the world if UNC took them out twice at Coach K's Suckfest Night.
I'd be so happy. Coach K's Suckfest Night Volume 2.
It would be, oh my God, what a night. Hank, drinks on me if that happens for the rest of the night.
Awesome. Yeah, we'll have such a great time.
If you're going to the game, I don't know if you're going. We'll see.
We'll see. Shout out to game time.
Yes. Maybe they'll help it out.
Game time will get us all in the building. Just depends on where we'll sitting okay emergency breaking news uh we had finished the podcast we were all home we are all home and will smith slapped chris rock at the oscars and i think it at least got the job done that we all tuned into the oscars um i guess we should start are we all team real well why wait can you explain to maybe people who probably also okay yes yes for people who did not watch the oscars chris rock made a joke about jada pinkett will smith's wife uh he made a joke that he is looking forward to jada pinkett being in gi jane 2 jada pinkett has alopecia she's talked about it she can't grow hair uh on her head so she's bald so it was the gi jane marine joke whatever will smith laughed then looked at jada pinkett big wife guy energy saw his wife being like no that's not funny stood up walked up to chris rock open hand slapped him in the face went back to his seat and then screamed keep my wife's name out of your mouth twice and now everyone's deciding whether it's real or fake go ahead PFT okay so I think that we can see it both ways we still have to learn for some facts to come out here I I personally am team real I think it's very real but if you were to make the argument that's team fake, there are some things that line up for that, right? One, it's the Oscars.
They're literally the best actors in the world in that room. Chris Rock included.
Their ratings have been lower than probably they've ever been in the past. So they need a little bit of a goose.
It's like a little, a little WWE energy item. Number three, Chris rock weighs like 70 pounds and he kept his pivot foot.
If you watch the slap, his body just moves, his pivot foot stays down. So that you could make the argument that yes, it's just engineered for people to tune in.
Yeah. Okay.
Do you, can I throw some reels out there? I've got, no, I think it's real. So the real is like, I think a lot of us have probably been in a position next to what, what Will Smith is dealing with.
He's like laughing. Okay.
Good joke. Good joke.
You got me good. He looks over, he sees his wife.
She did not think it was a good joke. She was very upset.
And Will Smith also had to sit through some jokes about their open marriage at the start of the show, too. And he's like, fuck, if I don't do anything, she's definitely going to cheat on me again.
Like Will Smith has the cock energy of always having that chip on his shoulder. So he's like, I got to get up and I got to hit him.
I got to be, like you said, a good wife guy. And I also think he would have done a much better job acting if it was fake instead of like sitting down and looking flustered afterwards also will smith's a crazy person and jada pinkett smith's a crazy person i'm pretty sure they're scientologists or at least enough that they've had to like openly deny being silent scientologists at multiple times in their career which like if you have to say i'm not a scientologist you're a scientologist that's the test right there you definitely are a scientologist i also think like will smith like he just lost it he lost his cool his speech the best part about it if you didn't watch the oscars will smith was the favorite to win best actor he wins best actor he goes up and gives a speech where he's like

pretty much like uh yeah so rich uh richard uh williams serena and venus's dad he protected his

family love will make you do crazy things never actually like thanking jada pinkett smith or

acknowledging that he slapped chris rock like overt like he never said like sorry chris rock

He just basically did this long speech where he was like,

Thank you. to Pinkett Smith or acknowledging that he slapped Chris Rock like overtly.
He never said, like, sorry, Chris Rock. He just basically did this long speech where he was like, yeah, I like I protect my loved ones against innocuous jokes at the Oscars by comedians.
Yeah, no, he's he's doing the I'm a good husband thing. He's trying to get laid.
He's getting laid right now. As you hear the sound of my voice, Will Smith better be having sex, probably the best sex of his life.
I think that anytime something like that happens in a public place where two people get into a skirmish and then they're still in the room, the entire room is going to be thinking about that for the rest of the night. They had to have gotten up on stage and they had to fight.
They should have fought, like actually had like a full blown let's go, let's settle. Otherwise, everyone's just gonna be thinking, when are these guys had to fight they should have fought like i actually had like a full-blown let's go let's settle otherwise everyone's just gonna be thinking when are these guys gonna fight it's it's it's my rule of players should get to fight one fan a year like everyone at the oscars stella's barking is going to be a very big problem in a minute here everyone at the every every actor at the oscars gets to gets to slap one comedian that makes a joke about their wife.
Hank, I want to hear from you. This is old school now.
Stella Barkman in the background. Hank is obviously, he believes everything's fake forever.
So I want to hear from you while I corral Stella. I also, I see Billy putting his hand up.
He's at the Oscars. I want to hear Billy's thoughts because I feel like we're going to be pretty aligned and I can just hear him chomping at the bit.
Yeah. So I'm at the Oscars.
Quick flight here with the people. Spot live.
And let me tell you, it was definitely fake. When Chris Rock took the slap, he watched Will Smith walk up to him.
Like, think about this. You're hosting the Oscars.
You know, if someone rushes the stage, you're going to take some sort of defensive posture, not just like, because you actually think someone's going to attack you, but like, Oh, someone comes up. You're like, Oh, look who it is.
You do something with your hands. The whole time Chris rock has hands behind his back.
And when he got slapped, you know, he was just totally open. Like no one, when they're reacting to something unexpected makes any sort of just nonchalant, doesn't do anything like the counterpoint, Billy, I have a counterpoint because he probably didn't expect to get slapped.
I think it's a pretty simple explanation. He saw a famous comedian, actor, celebrity coming up on stage, probably someone that he's relatively friendly with in the past and thought, oh, here comes Will Smith, the consummate showman.
He's going to come up, make a joke at my expense. We'll laugh, hug each other out, and then he'll go back to his seat.
So that's why he might not. He probably wasn't ready to to fight can i can i ask because i had to go i had to corral stella i have a i have a question for you billy so you billy and hank you both think it's fake we always watch the extended clip where will where chris rock was positively rattled after yeah so this is i i do come from the camp of like fake until proven real.
Obviously, the Oscars thing that PFT mentioned earlier, like if you know, the ratings are horrible, absolutely all time low. If there's two people you want to get a buzz going, who are the two people at the top of that list? Chris Rock, Will Smith.
I have to digest some more of this afterwards. I think obviously we'll be able to see what they say afterwards.
And, and, you know, the, the people close to them will be able to confirm or deny it, but I lean fake. I lean fake.
I love that in Hank's mind, the two biggest names in show business are Will Smith and Chris rock. They both moved the needle.
What year are we in right now? Is this, if you, if it was 1998, and I would be like hanks this is obviously hank is i mean he's spot on on this literally just one best actor in 2022 like that's pretty relevant i would say no i'm not saying he's irrelevant i'm just saying like i don't think i i think that you're being a little bit too woke on this thing no it's like who people do the order of people i also great full disclosure i didn't i've only seen on twitter like i haven't seen i haven't seen i wasn't watching we could look like idiots pft i could look like idiots by saying that it's real but i i watching all the context and like seeing everything this would be the greatest work of all time the only people right now who are like worse online because the people are like this is fake you guys are idiots are the people are saying that will smith should go to jail including our colleague steven shea who is like chris rock should press charges i i want anyone who actually thinks that chris rock should press charges to go to jail themselves i want them to get i want them to go to jail it's big time skeleton energy quick time quick question it is it would be the lamest thing in the history of of modern media if chris rock were to like go immediately

to the police right file a report on him i know i i can speak for myself i don't know if i can speak

for everybody else in this podcast we have never once advocated for anybody to go to jail over

something trivial like this no quick quick piece of evidence on wait wait wait wait billy i just

Let's go. for anybody to go to jail over something trivial like this no quick quick piece of evidence on wait wait wait wait billy i just real quick because i saw jake out of the corner of my eye nodding along jake you definitely think will smith should go to jail for this right no not at all i think it's i think it's real i'm a tie-reaking boat by the way Okay.
I like it. Go ahead.
Obviously you do Jake. What the fuck? Hank,

your brain is riddled by the internet, Hank. You have fucking Swiss cheese brain.
That's true. If you go to Will Smith's TikTok, he says that him and Jada are dressed for chaos before the Oscars even happened.
They put that on TikTok.ok so i mean this is 100 chaos and that's just more evidence that points to it being fake um i need to everything everything is going to determine on will smith and chris rock's relationship like if there's a story that they've had beef and it's been like something that's been brewing for a while then it's real if it's like comes across like they've been friends for a long time from show business and stuff, then I'm saying fake. It is.
Does that make sense? Yeah, it's crazy. Like if it's like it could be deeper than than just tonight.
But if it's like they're friends and that was the only thing that set them off, like there's no way. If you look at the sheer physics of the situation, you've got Will Smith played Muhammad Ali.
Big guy played the best boxer of all time, got up on stage, slapped. And it was a slap, but it was like a full force slap.
He had hip rotation. He planted.
He extended. Billy will tell you all about it.
He was in war mode. He slapped him.
Chris Rock is such a small guy that he played. He had to play a character in the longest yard that wasn't allowed to play football with Adam Sandler.
he's a small dude and he didn't even move really like he ate that like a champ chris rock has a jaw of steel unbelievable performance by chris rock if it was real i just i think that if you look at the emotion the way that the two of them reacted in the immediate aftermath and then you've got like tyler perry and denzel washington's dude but that's the point hank the the immediate aftermath of chris rock is why i think it's real he started like he he was shocked and then he he said it was um i think it was the oscar for best documentary by the way that person who won it like sorry dude like you're the biggest moment of your life completely stolen that sucks but he was like we're going to give out some documentaries and then he caught himself he's like we're going to give out the oscar for the best documentary like he was rattled fully rattled big winner of the night was whoever had the nip slip right after no one's going to talk about that i didn't even see that i just saw it on twitter yep i didn't see it i saw it on twitter right uh what are you gonna say jake uh so the reason i think it's real is did you guys see that viral video of the commercial break and then like calming him down yes yes so that wasn't on camera that wasn't on camera hank denzel washington and a couple other people were like like trying to calm him down how'd you see it then what it wasn't on the on the broadcast. It was someone in the stands had taken the video.
I mean, this is, I guess this will look stupid, PFT, Jake, and I, if this turns out to be fake. The problem is if it, you guys can basically play, it's real or it's fake forever.
No, I have said my criteria. It is entirely dependent on their relationship leading up to this night, which we'll find out about tomorrow.
I'll admit I was wrong. I'll admit I was wrong.
Also, remember, Will Smith's in an open relationship with Jada Pinkett Smith, right? They have a very... We've all talked about it.
Open relationships are always bullshit because of this. He probably is is like, well, I got it.
I got to do something. Otherwise someone else is going to have sex with her tonight.
No, that's, that's what I'm saying. He's, he is the most publicly cucked celebrity of all time.
And so you saw his face when, when she was talking about the entanglement thing, he was like, yeah, we both discussed about this and we both think it's a good thing that she's allowed to sleep with my friends no like it's it's not he he's upset about it and he knows that he has to be on his a game at all times or else somebody else is going to take her home so he's like okay she's upset then i'm upset there we go i'm husband of the year i did it babe also shout out um this moment was so great because it was literally like right when i walked in my house and i got like a bunch of texts being like was that real like i i'm the fucking you guys probably have the same thing like as online people and people who watch like things all the time we're all people always like hit me up to be like yo is this thing that just happened real or not like how would i know but so i get like a ton of texts being like is that real and i start watching it and like i was like oh my god this i think this actually is real i think this is all actually going down and i go on twitter and twitter is just like twitter 1.0 awesome everyone getting their jokes off we had like 15 20 minutes where it was like oh yeah i love this app this is funny like everyone's just getting funny jokes off retweet like all this stuff and then like 25 minutes after that it's just toxic masculinity run rampant yet again like like like like super serious takes about this incident it's like dude it was like it's it's fucking holly. It's a bunch of narcissists sitting in a room.
One guy made a joke about another guy's wife. He slapped him.
Can we just make some jokes about it instead of make, having this become like a bigger discussion in the discourse? Yeah. What Hank's doing right now, he's doing Academy of motion picture arts and sciences rigged.
He's like the first guy that's like, this is all fake. I'd stage.
I can't tell whether it's for money or for ratings but that's it i saw it in person i'm out yeah but no that yeah so those people it's the people who are saying go to jail and it's the people who are like actually having like nuanced takes about this like being like this is what's wrong with like the marital structure in america and like a man thinking he has to protect like dude just let me just fucking tweet some gifts real quick come on like just give us a minute do it tomorrow morning on Monday morning when we're all miserable yeah Billy do you have any more takes on this since you are there you're in the room you are the room right now yes so uh I was at the Oscars and when I saw Denzel Washington talking to Will Smith and them all trying to calm him down they were were just asking him, was it real? And he was like laughing and he was like, Hey, no, it was fake. Like we set this whole thing up.
Wasn't it great? And they're all laughing. So that's what I saw.
You heard that. Did you see that? Or did you hear it? Well, I heard, I heard that saw the mouths moving, uh, you know, um, at the Oscars.
Uh, so it was, it was a great time and uh no but seriously i like i really think because think about it i we were talking about this during the show when we're recording i was like oh the oscars are on tonight like who the hell knew and now you know now we know this is this is why you come to part of my take because pft and i have been around the block few times. We usually have a good idea of what's real and fake.
Again, we could be very wrong. Hank, I know, I trust that Hank will do some research and try to figure it out.
And then we have Billy, who is like the embodiment of 2022 Internet, where it could, like, Chris Rock could press charges. Willith could go to jail and billy will still think like no this is some kind of pedophile ring cover-up and and and jfk jr is about to be announced president honestly i fall for a lot of fake stuff on the internet and this is one of those ones where i'm just like fake you You, you, you feel like you're ahead of the curve.
I have one last question. Um, the most important question memes.
I don't know if you have a mic memes has been on the show before memes. Obviously everyone knows is it runs a bunch of our social and it does an incredible job.
And we talk about them all the time. Memes.
Can you quantify what this is going to do for your life in terms of the memes that are coming out of this like you just got an entire new memes template a perfect memes template that you can use for anything how is how how are you feeling did you guys hear me yeah all right um i think it'll last like one more day. And then it'll pick back up probably during NBA finals.
Yep. No, I think that's perfect because people that are going to be making memes out of this in like three or four days, too many people have seen it.
So it's been it's already reached like mass exposure. So the countdown clock on it is finite.
So like when Michael Jordan criedordan cried during his hall of fame acceptance speech not a lot of people were tuned in live and so it had a longer tail on it this one it's like okay everyone's seeing it tonight and tomorrow and then after that it's going to take a big pause i was thinking actually until football season but when memes said nba finals he's absolutely right the nba finals are a hundred percent going to be ground zero for this meme to resurrect yes yes all right memes that's why you're the best um anything else i mean crazy we don't do emergency emergency segments for many things but when will smith slaps chris rock at the oscars real or fake here we are we're making sure that we give you our takes instantly. We'll put another one in the it's real category because I don't think that Will Smith would do this on the night that he won his Academy Award for best actor.
That seems like a pretty important night in a person's life. So I don't think that he would flip out like this on that evening.
And yeah, it's just there's no chance. I'm putting it at zero pft commenter gives it zero percent chance of being a fugazi this was this was a real event i'm gonna put it at one percent chance of being fake but that's solely because all of life is fake and we're all living in a simulation if that's true then this is part of that and then i was right to call that part but i'm 99 and in that event well it's still real to me it's still real to me big cat what all right so then jake you're 100 real 100 real hank you're 50 50 i'll give it i'll give it 55 real okay billy you're zero real yeah i'm going 100% fake.
I think it's real as well.

Okay, so we got a lot of reels, I guess. I was going to just mention, I think the last time we did one of these emergencies was the Brian Colangelo collars.
Yep. Oh, yeah.
I think that was the last time we did it for like a Twitter night. And everyone got to see Stella barking in my microphone.
One thing's for sure here. I think that Chris Rock and Will Smith will definitely be hosting next year's Oscars together.
I also think that they're probably going to do like a little like a routine together at some point. They're going to be a commercial.
That's probably what it's going to be. They'll be in a commercial at some point this summer squashing the beef.
Also, one last thing, the sports take on this. I felt pretty bad for Venus and Serena because they looked like what the fuck is going on? And Will Smith basically got in front of everyone and was like, yeah, I played the role of their father and that's why I'm crazy and slapped a man on live TV.
It's like, okay, I guess.

Also, Willow's going to have a couple bangers that come out in the next two months. Yeah.
All right, back to the regularly scheduled program. All right, let's do Who's Back.
Who's Back is brought to you by our friends at Venmo. We love Venmo.
We're Venmo podcast now. And Venmo's hooking it up.
When you're paying friends this basketball season, make sure you use Venmo. No one wants to be that guy, whether it's tickets to the game or wings for the viewing party.
Pay friends back quickly, easily, and safely with Venmo. If you're going to New Orleans this weekend, you're probably going with some friends.
You're probably going to get some drinks. You're probably going to get some dinners.
You're probably going to get tickets. Venmo's a great way to pay back your friends so you don't have to do that thing where you're haggling and splitting checks don't be the split the check guy someone just get it and everyone figure it out later uh also if you haven't already downloaded the Venmo app use promo code PMT when you sign up you get ten dollars for free ten dollars for free and reminder we're giving out a100,000 to AWLs throughout all basketball season

send a Venmo payment for any amount

include hashtag PMT in the

payment note for a chance to win up to $500

if you win

your screenshot your winnings posted to Twitter

or Instagram and tag pardon my take

so do that any transaction you send

use hashtag PMT they're giving away up to

$500 for that make sure you

tweet us that with a screenshot

and download the Venmo app put in that code

PMT you get $10 if you haven't signed up

I love you. send.
Use hashtag PMT. They're giving away up to $500 for that.
Make sure you tweet us that with a screenshot and download the Venmo app. Put in that code

PMT. You get $10.
If you haven't signed up,

$10, boom, right away.

Get yourself a beer in New Orleans.

Alright, Hank, who's back? By the way, we're going to

do Billy's spreadsheet after

Bert, as well as Jake's

One Shining Moment, as well as

Hank's decision about what he's

going to do with the hottest gambling streak he's ever been on in his life. time shout out to game of the year just kicking things off right well duke you're welcome duke then game of the year you're welcome uh which the that both game of the years well no that one didn't count because you bullied me into it true uh my who's back of the week clip that for me yeah yeah peace times my who's back of the week it is not it's war times i hate you well i would say you shouldn't have fell for my obvious uh trying to get you to pick against duke but all right cut that please nick casliano is my who's back the week did you guys see this yeah we had a discussion so we'd like to hear you talk and then we will present our side i'm i'm going to say what happened.
He's on the Phillies now. He's in spring training.
As he was in his first at-bat, or he was getting his first hit, the broadcast was talking about how one of the Blue Jays coaches got a DUI and was talking about his apology, talking about the whole situation. And lo and behold, Nick Castellanos gets a single.
Okay, so I think it's funny because they were actually talking, like the announcer was talking about the DUI while it happened, but we have to be protective of our Castellanos memes because it can reach a point where a bloop single is qualifying the exact same as if he hits a dinger.

He's got to hit a home run. No, but how often are they talking about coaches with Deweys?

He's probably doing it.

First of all, he's probably brought it up because Castellanos was up.

True.

And also Major League Baseball coaches, I'm pretty sure,

that's one of the qualifications for becoming a bench coach.

That's how Tony La Russa got into the Hall of Fame.

Yeah.

Like, talking about, I think the criteria is like a fucked up situation that the announcers are talking about and then all of a sudden they have to talk about how he's got a hit i think the whole you have to have a home run and it can't be a situation where somebody like sees that he hits a home run and then they google like any i agree with any bad news story that's right like oh wow there it looks like uh putin's she again. And they're like, well, Castellanos did it again.

It has to be something that is tied in,

either a massive trending event that happens at the same time

or the announcer is talking about something that hits a home run.

Well, that's why we do spring training,

so we can kind of get through this before the season starts.

But is he back or no?

I think what we're trying to say is like, I think it's very funny that Nick Castellanos has become this guy. I want to protect it.
I want it to be like, holy shit, he's this guy. If we do it for every single, it's like everyone's going to be like, we're talking about a DUI.
It was funny. Okay.
It was funny, but I just want to make sure that we are protecting it. That we're keeping our meme wholesome.
Yeah. I mean, think about memes.
He's too far gone. Yeah, he is.
But memes is like... He's still in rehab, but I think he relapses like every other day.
Right now for memes, it's like if Joe Flacco throws like a three-yard button hook. I'm like, elite.
If anything, if they say Castellanos like three times in a broadcast... Yeah, like we can't save memes.
We can just try and help the next generation coming up. It is funny when you do a meme that has been around for a while that no one remembers.
I had Bo Nix was like practicing for Oregon. And I quote Trudeau, I was like, Bo Nix having fun could be a dark horse for the Heisman.
And people are like, are you fucking high, dude? And it's like, oh, shit. Yeah, we are on the internet too much.
Yeah. Remember when we had to teach memes about the Hitler downfall video with Urban Meyer? Oh, yeah.
He was like, what is this? I've never seen this old meme. He hasn't stopped making Hitler videos since.
I actually, hand up. I told him that he should do a video where you're hitler after coach k after coach k won um but then we both agree that probably not a great idea i'm fine with that listen i here's here's all i'll say about that i understand the internet i have a fucking arsenal in my phone right now for when coach k eventually hopefully loses so i understand that the other side is also loading up the guns and the nukes ready to bring me down it's we i know what's at stake here yeah how about this memes i know you're listening if coach k wins a natty you have to have big cat finding out about it down in the bunker yes that's fine fine with that i'm absolutely fine Because, again, I have a lot of videos that I will be just fucking flooding the timeline with if it goes down.
My who's back of the week is the U.S. men's national team.
Yes. We're in the World Cup, bitch.
Suck my dick, Italy. They didn't make it.
We did. We just beat Panama, I think, 5-1.
Yeah. Didn't keep the clean sheet, unfortunately.
The golden generation for the U.S. soccer team is here.
I just hear people say that. It sounds so cool when they said about Belgium.
So I think we can officially declare because this team is young enough. I'm just going to say this is our golden generation.
This is the golden generation and the boys are dancing. Yeah, we're in it and we're going to have to play it during football season that I can't decide if it's going to be fun or if it's going to suck.
I think it's going to suck. It might be too much going on at once.
I think we're going to get a lot of... We're not going to fucking get out of pool play anyway, so who cares? But I think it's going to be...
We always get out of pool play. We're going to go like one and two.
When we make the World Cup, we always get out of pool play. All right, so here's what we can do.
We can role play right now. FIFA rigged.
What time will the games be? They'll be in the middle of the day. Yep.
Because I think they've got to play at night there. Well, yeah.
No, it's in Qatar, which is halfway around the world. But because they have stadiums that were built with slave labor, they're not going to be able to play them during the heat of the day, which is like 120 degrees.
Right, right. And they promised that they would make giant air-conditioned stadiums outdoors, which I don't know, I'm not Bob the Builder, but it seems like that's pretty unlikely to accomplish in the next six months.
So yeah, the games are going to be at night time, afternoon and night I think. Yeah, so let's just throw this out there it's Sunday, we're here, we're watching games, you say, hey, USA's about to play.
You're not getting a TV. And I'll watch the games.
I'll watch every other. Like when football's not on, I'll be full-blown, Pulisic, fucking go USA.
But we have to. You realize that, right? I do.
And I'm actually looking up the times right now. We might be wrong.
So right now it's 4.13 in Qatar in the morning. So if they play in the afternoon, like evening, that's still going to be kind of morning for us.
So I think we'll be okay as long as they don't schedule us. Wait, how many hours difference is it? It's Monday at 4.13.
It's 9.13 here. So it's seven hours different.
Seven hours ahead. So a 1 o'clock kickoff and 8 p.m.
game. sep ladder personally right now sep ladder or whoever you have running fifa for you sep ladder if you schedule the u.s soccer game on a sunday at one or saturday or saturday i i will personally slit your throat that is not gonna happen like we not.
That is going to be a war on Twitter.

I want to see all the soccer nerds come out and be like, how are you not watching this?

Because the NFL's on.

Because it's week 12.

That's going to piss me right off. I mean, you can't.

I just want you to.

We're all on the same page, right?

Maybe a laptop in the corner.

Yes.

But not a TV.

On a Sunday.

We have to have.

On a Saturday.

We have to stand for something on this podcast.

On a Saturday, if the U.S. is playing, I'm putting it on one of the TVs.

During college football.

I'm not.

There's a lot of people. Yes.
But not a TV. On a Sunday.
We have to have. On a Saturday.
We have to stand for something on this podcast. On a Saturday, if the U.S.
is playing, I'm putting it on one of the TVs. I'm.
During college football. I'm not.
There are not six college football games that take precedence over that. Dude, when Temple plays UCF, I'm watching.
Nope. That's better than that.
Nope. Nope.
I'm rooting for the lads. Yes.
Onward the lads. Yes.
That is. We are.
Lads up. Wow.
That's going to be a dilemma. All right.
My who's back is LeBron. He won a Razzie.
That was awesome. Also, Hank, explain the story, the Instagram story from the other night.
Hank, you know that LeBron fucked up when Hank walked in on Saturday and came right over to me. It was like, do you see what LeBron posted? It wasn't a fuck up.
And I went to look and I couldn't find it. And he's like, oh, I screen recorded it.
Don't worry. I just have a tweet.
But it was a good moment because we're in war times right now, but we can always bond over our hatred for LeBron. It wasn't even fuck up.
It was just all time, very funny, classic LeBron. He's the biggest athlete in the world, probably richest athlete in the world, one of them.
And he's having an intimate intimate dinner with his wife and he does this instagram story where she's like clearly pissed off that he's like recording which is just like very relatable and he said hey fellas remember one thing i just i just think this is funny because he's like clearly like drunk or something like this is very classic lebron hey fellas remember one thing a woman will vibe with a real, true playa. Know the difference between playa and player with a key.
And then, like, I'll send it to you, PFT. And then he, like, pans it over to his wife, and his wife just gives him, like, why the fuck are you recording me? Well, because that's what LeBron's family has to deal with all the time.
The actions of a drunk man stumbling around his own home, screaming into his phone while they're like, hey, please pay attention to me. That's amazing.
How long do you think it took for LeBron to win the Razzie for him to realize that the Razzie is a bad thing? Yeah. Did he have the post ready to go? Like, man, 17-year-old LeBron would never believe this at this point.
He probably is going to try to figure out a way to, like, convert it into scored in the NBA. Because that's all he's playing for at this point.

The all-time days for LeBron on Instagram are on his birthday.

When he just, if you look at his stories, I don't think it's...

I think LeBron has a special version of Instagram that allows him to post hundreds of stories of people wishing him a happy birthday on those days.

I've never seen more dots on the screen.

LeBron dropped 39 tonight.

He did. And they're a loser.
Literally all he does is score points for the record have you watched it's they look we've talked about it but Pelican it's awesome well anyone could lose the Pelicans okay anyone could lose they're fucking they're playing really good basketball right now bulls are in a free fall 14 points in the fourth that's smoked by the Pelicans the other night. All right, Billy, your who's back.
My who's back is Johnny Manziel. Johnny Manziel will be returning to the football field in the fan-controlled football league for their second season.
He was on the Zappers last season, and he's now on the Wild Aces. Drewski's investment in the company is what drew him in.
He said that he wanted to make some content with Drewski. I don't know if you guys know Drewski.
Hilarious guy. And he's going to be back on the football field.
Honestly, it's kind of nice to see him. Dude, if you tell me Johnny Manziel is playing in a football game and there's a World Cup game on, I'm watching Johnny Manziel.
There are certain players that if you want your secondary football league to succeed, if you get any combination of Manziel, Tebow, RG3,

or Colin Kaepernick playing quarterback,

people will tune in and watch that shit.

Yeah.

So good for Johnny Manziel.

I hope he plays well.

I'm hyped.

And Bitcoin.

Bitcoin's back.

It is?

Rallied hard.

Let's go. Are you invested?allied hard.
Let's go.

Are you invested?

A little bit.

How's my doge looking right now?

I think it's like back to like.

Oh, shit.

46.

Yeah.

Oh, let's go.

Fuck all the old people think that sucks.

Yeah.

Tom Colicchio laughing all the way to the kitchen.

There he goes.

All right, Jake, you're Who's Back.

We're going to get to Billy's spreadsheet after burnt. My who's back of the week is fun rules.
Oh, yes. So there's this team called the Savannah bananas.
It's a baseball team. I don't think it's officially minor league, but it's still pros.
Unincorporated independent minor league team. Yeah.
So they had a rule. It was the first or second time ever.
Banana ball rule. Number a fan catches a foul ball it's an out and it happened and it went viral and it was really cool i feel like the majors should consider they've got great rules i don't know i don't know what brand of baseball they play if they invented their own rules in which case probably a nightmare for the visiting team it's like you're playing against the globetrotters you're like i didn't know wait a ladder on the court.
That's crazy. But, yeah, they've got all these different rules.
I think the batters are in the batter's box the entire time while the pitcher's pitching. They've got all sorts of cool rules.
I like it a lot. Yeah, so this one, if they did that to the majors, that would change the game with home field.
I mean, Savannah, what they're doing right now by having this team down there is they're next on my list of the big bachelor party cities in the country. For a while, it was like Austin and Nashville and Charleston just shitting on everybody.
Savannah's next. Savannah's a very fun city to be in.
It is a very fun city. And could you imagine if this, like you said, if this was MLB, you'd have to start, like Jim Harbaugh would get paid by a team.
Yeah. Like a million in our stands yeah pay Rangus foul ball guy would make millions and millions of dollars he would be on contract yeah he would be incredible you'd be able to start him in your fantasy leagues yeah right so yeah thought that was cool that is cool very cool cool um all right let's get to Bert uh great interview back in studio uh PFT you got a quick word from one of our sponsors? Yeah, before we get to Bert, talk to you guys about TaylorMade.
Hank just got a TaylorMade. You got a driver, right, Hank? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, TaylorMade is awesome. They're great golf clubs.
It's golf season. Weather's getting nice.
Spring was creeping up on us. You should get fitted, PFT.
I should get fitted. Get one of those custom things? Hell, yeah, because they don't just send you clubs off the rack.
I think there are five different levels of customization that you can use for them, and we are teaming up with TaylorMade because we have an ultimate season opener sweepstakes and giving away 50 prizes to 50 different winners. That's right, 50 different winners.
Prizes include everything from a grand prize, full bag of new TaylorMade clubs, a new stealth driver to TPX golf balls and everything in between. So now between May 10th, go to tailormadegolf.com slash barstool sweeps.
You can enter and celebrate the season's first major and the unofficial start to the golf season. The sweeps is running across a number of podcasts within the Barstool Network and we want our loyal followers to win.
We want an AWL to win. Or a mobster, right? Jake, those are you guys? Yep, mobsters.
It's got to be a mobster. Shout out, Nate Oates.
Or an AWL. Yeah, Nate Oates, big-time mobster.
Hopefully he can get his hand. He's got a lot of time to play golf.
Hopefully someone shows up to shoot around. He's probably got a tee time that he's scheduled for the second weekend.
So check out TaylorMade. Second day! Check out TaylorMade.
You can make this golf season better and fill your bag with the best. Of course, that's TaylorMade.
Go to TaylorMadeGolf.com slash BarstoolSweeps right now for your chance to win big. That's TaylorMadeGolf.com slash BarstoolSweeps right now for your chance to win big.
Now here is Burt Kreischer. Okay we now welcome on now recurring guest.
That feels good. Feels good.
Burt Kreischer. And let me say this right now Burt off the top we very rarely will have a guest on this close together like we had you on at Super Bowl we didn't run it for a couple weeks sorry about that.
That's okay. That was probably weird for you like all of a sudden you just it pops up that you're on the show i'll tell you immediately immediately it came up and the thing was like and then my daughter smoked pot and i was like oh fuck i said that yeah right like oh shit i said that two weeks ago that doesn't count um and then your name came up again and you were in town and we're like have him back on.
Everyone loved it. Dude, it's serendipity because I have been watching you gamble for the past two weeks, and it is so fucking fun.
It is so fun to watch people win money. Yeah, or lose.
Well, it's really the losing part that people really enjoy. No.
I love when you guys were trying to get Patty to tap, and you're going, come on, come on, come on. That's like watching porn for men.
Yes. I guess porn for men.
They should match up gambling and porn at the same time somehow. I'm down for it.
It's like those live streams, they're exhausting. I don't know if you saw on Friday night, my alma mater, Wisconsin, played, and they played.
last – it was probably the latest tip ever. It was like 11 p.m.
So I just started getting blackout drunk, and I was screaming. I was going to take my shirt off.
Those live streams just become this – you lose all sense of time and space because you're trapped. You don't even go – I didn't go outside for four days straight, and I'm just betting on everything.
It's my favorite four days of the year.

I'm happy you enjoy it, but it is chaos.

You've got to come to one.

I have a gambling problem, but here's my problem.

What do you mean?

Well, when I started making money, gambling didn't matter to me.

Like it just didn't – I couldn't find the rush, you know?

Like the rush, I remember the first time I really got the rush,

I was playing poker with Daniel Tosh and a bunch of guys in Hollywood, and I had the best fucking hand, and I was sitting on it. And the feeling that you get, I didn't need alcohol, I didn't need sex, I didn't need anything, that feeling of knowing you've got the hand and your heart's racing, your hand's trembling, you're trying to hold it in.
The only now and this is going to sound so stupid is in my kids raffles at school oh no that's not that's listen i there's nothing better than a good bingo night either yeah i dude you're talking to a guy right now who if i win you know the 50 50 raffle at a sporting event pull it up pull it up i win special olympics 50 50 raffle i'm not even joking i'm not even joking if i win a 50 50 raffle yeah wait did you you won it dude i went into a 50 50 raffle at the special olympics and i said i mean it was dumb it was the dumbest bet i said what's in the pot and they were like i think you can find the exact numbers i think they were like 636 bucks i said put me in for 6 And they're like, what? And it was the gamble. I ended up giving all the money to them, but it was the gamble.
We went to a, we had a Comedy Gives Back is an organization Zoe Bud Friedman's Daughter Runs. And it was all comedians.
It was comedians and actors, okay? So we go in, and it's like $100 for six tickets. And so I wait until everyone's bought their tickets, and then I walk over and I said, what's the action? Yeah.
And they're like, what do you mean, what's the action? I said, how many prizes? What have you got in the pot? And they're like, well, we've sold 150 tickets. I said, okay.
I do the math. I'm like, put me in for $3,000 three thousand dollars and they're like what and i don't tell anyone i just start winning and when i win i get louder and more obnoxious and and all the comedians are fucking loving jim jeffries is losing his mind ben bailey but the actors who aren't comedians are like this isn't fair yeah it's a fucking raffle asshole i put in fucking three thousand dollars to for this feeling i mean i want an orange whip which is a golf swing thing i want a jacket i want whiskey i want everything that's amazing and then don't get me started on an auction where they're bidding off trips because we i just i my business manager my business manager was there randomly enough.
My business manager was there and they auctioned off a trip to, uh, to four seasons in Maui. It's in the quarantine.
There's no one, no one's going to more Maui at all. And I start off there.
Jim Jeffrey starts off. He's like, uh, the starting bids, uh, $3,000.
And I, and Jim Jeffrey goes $3,000. I go, and real quick, I go 4,000.
and then he goes 5,000 I go 6,000 he's $3,000. And Jim Jeffrey goes $3,000.
And real quick, I go $4,000. And then he goes $5,000.
I go $6,000. He's like $7,000.
And then Ben Bailey goes $8,000. I go $9,000.
And it's going so quick. My business manager's like, hold on.
And I'm starting to go, what's the math? What's it cost? Someone Google Four Seasons real quick. Dude, I love that.
I love the reckless. That is the gambling I can get into.
Yeah, so I went to the Texas State Fair one time, and they do a giant livestock auction. It's a big thing.
And it's just all these dudes, huge hats. The guy gets behind the podium, and he's doing the fast talking.
He's got the real Texas draw. They're bringing the animals out on stage.
There's giant black Angus steer that are going for you know five fifty five hundred i was i was about to bid on a on a cow i don't have a place to put it i wanted to get involved in the auction at the time i had like a normal size backyard in austin texas i was thinking about buying these goats just because the thrill of the auction you're talking so quickly it's like that infectious it's the best you're gonna you're gonna think i'm lying to you i really need someone to google it i need someone to google it so when we were in trip flip was my travel channel show we spent a day uh a week we take people on adventures of a lifetime and we spent a week as cow hands running buffalo across texas we're outside houston texas caddy houston i think it's known it's not caddy and so we're outside houston Texas so onedy, Houston. I think it's known.
It's not caddy. And so we're outside Houston, Texas.
So one of the things says, I want you to take my steer into auction. So I was like, all right.
He goes, I expect $25,000 for all my steer you bring in. So we drove steer into town.
And I said, I'm going to fucking knock his socks off, the guy that runs a ranch. I said, as soon as their cattle comes out, I'm going to put in first bid.
I'm going to jack it it up whatever the first one comes out i'm gonna put in the first bid and we're gonna raise the money for it and then that way i'm gonna come in everyone will have sold just a little bit over what he's expecting right because i'm gonna start going back and forth with them so they i'm i swear to god it is top five hardest i've ever laughed in my life so the first one comes out and i go is that John's steer and they're like I'm with two other dudes they're like yeah I go all right and they're like hey I raised my hand and he goes sold and I went wait what there's no bidding you just buy them and I bought a calf for $1,300 I bought a calf a fucking full calf I bought one of the ones I was going to sell, brought it back to him and I was like I was like hey man I bought one of your calves is there any chance I can sell this back to you and he was like 800 bucks I was like I'll take it fuck it that's fine oh that's amazing I swear to god there's that videos on YouTube and it is as soon as I realized what I did you see it in my eyes and I'm like oh fuck and oh, fuck. And this is, I didn't have $1,300 to spend on, no one has $1,300 to spend on cattle.
Right. You don't have cattle.
The auction, though, the auctions are the, I once got, like, mildly addicted to auctions online of, there was, in Chicago, there was a grocery store chain called Dominic's that was going out of business, so they were selling everything. And I would just go on and try to buy like random shit like carts everything like i got i bought a bench that i didn't need there was just a dot it was sitting in the lobby of the grocery store and i was like yeah but i want it like this feels cool yeah and that's it it's just like winning something and then you know a day later you're like wait what i don't need this what the fuck am i doing but the rush of winning something at an auction or a raffle, there's nothing like it.
I think that more places should do the 50-50 raffles. Just every day in your life.
Imagine if you're going into work and the subway car in the New York City subway has a 50-50 raffle. If you stay on for five stops, they do a drawing.
Once you get five stops, it'd be incredible. It would be incredible.
I'm not lying to you, Bert you bert like if i won a 50 50 raffle let's say it like a hockey game i think i would then become even for my life in terms of 50 50 raffles just 50 50 raffles i buy 50 50 raffle tickets the second i walk into a stadium just the second i want i've had guys i had a group of guys at wrigley who literally they knew they knew they knew that I loved 50-50 raffle. I bought tickets.
They bought the tickets right after me. I bought the tickets right after them.
They bought the tickets right after me. I love that.
And they ended up winning. They won the whole fucking thing sitting right behind me.
Really? And I've never been more upset in my life. I have a picture of them.
They're like, can we get a picture after celebrating in my face? But it was thrilling to go back and forth being like, no, I'm getting the next numbers. They changed the rules to raffles at my school.
It's my kid's school. I was going to say, you're not your school.
No, my kid's school. They made it so that every family could only buy 10 tickets.
Because of you? Because of me. This is like the Larry Bird rule? I have a joke I'm going to put in my special about it.
I'm not even messing around. I would go into raffles with just stupid money and go.
I have a problem with it. That and I'll tell you the other one is that I get addicted to.
I'm good at public speaking is running for office that I don't want. I've done that.
I did that. We went, there's this woman.

I'm going to use real names, so I apologize.

I'm going to use real names.

That was not an apology.

Whatever.

That was just a warning.

That was the best sorry, not sorry.

So there's this woman, Jenna Schwartz, right?

In our Valley Village, where I live, I'm telling you everything, we don't have PTA. We have it.
It's called PACE, right? That's what our PTA is. So PACE president kind of organizes everything at the school.
Isla is in fifth grade. She's going to the middle school.
We will no longer be working at this school. And they bring us in early for graduation.
And it's so that we can, as parents, they get us there early so we can vote for Pace president, all the Pace thing. Current Pace president, everyone is on stage.
I get there early and I say to Leanne, are you fucking kidding me? They lied to us. We're here for the fucking elections? And she goes, yeah.
Now, I had eaten the edible the night before that I had over-medicated myself. And so I still feel it.
So I said, well, who's running? And they go through the thing. And everyone's dressed up.
And she goes, Jenna Schwartz is running for president. And she's not dressed up.
She's in workout clothes. And I said, why isn't she dressed up? Leanne goes, she's running unopposed.
I was like, not on my watch. Now, here's the thing you need to know.
Jenna Schwartz kind of fucked me over once, right? Not fucked me over bad, but in a weird way. Like, in a weird way.
So, I look back. A guy named Brian Stepanek.
He was on, I think, Zack and Drake or whatever. Brian Stepanek.
I look back. I go, hey, nominate me for Pace President.
And he's like, for real? I go, dead serious. He goes, I nominate Burt Kreischer.
I go, I accept. And Leanne goes, what the fuck are you doing? I said, I'm running for Pace President.
She goes, honey, hold on. You're not going to be Pace president.
No one's going to vote for you. I said, well, let me just give my speech.
Jenna Schwartz comes over. She goes, what are you doing? And I said, please don't talk to me.
I'm running for Pace president. We're enemies.
So I go up, and they go, who would like to speak first? Now, Jenna Schwartz has not worn makeup. She's not gotten dressed up.
And she also hasn't prepared a speech. She's been running unopposed.
I get up. I'm almost verbatim.
I'll call my fucking wife just to prove this is how accurate my speech was. It sounds like Jenna Schwartz was just, she was experiencing absolute power.
She thought that she wasn't going to be held accountable. My wife better answer.
Do you ever fucking call your wife and then you're like, if she doesn't answer, I'm just cancel canceling her fucking phone she apparently doesn't know how to use a goddamn phone it's like she'll look at it and go who is this calling and i'm like that's why it rings that's why it rings fucker anyway i get up i get up on stage now it's it's maybe 500 parents in there all of which know me so i've had now two kids go through this school i said my name my name is burke kreischer i'm running for pace president this is almost verbatim of my speech i said i know jenna schwartz i used to hike with jenna schwartz on freiman cannon me my wife lynn grusen kathy fromkin and sandy tat would hike every morning all the names all names all names all accurate we would hike every morning at uh freiman canyon right after drop off with jenna schwartz it was fun great conversation and then one day she didn't show up we sat at the trailhead for about 30 minutes and she never showed up she didn't call she didn't text nothing so we decided to hike and that day we saw her on a hike with christy goodman she didn't say hi to us she didn't acknowledge and to this day we have never hiked with her again we've never spoken about it and to this day she h with Christy Goodman. If you want to vote for a president that one day will decide the journey they're on with you is no longer the journey they want to take, then vote for Jenna Schwartz.
But if you want a president who's going to show up every day at that trailhead and wait for you to take that journey with you until we're done, then vote for me. My name's Bert Kreischer.
I'd like to be your Pace president. The fucking room is shaking.
Dudes, legit dudes are like, that's my guy. That's my guy.
Jenna Schwartz is like, wait, hold on. I have a bad knee.
Why do you hike too fast? He talks nonstop. Well, she should have told you about that.
There's a little thing called conversations that people can have when they change their plans. And if they don't say anything, that's a red flag.
I sat down and my wife goes, you have to stop this. And I go, I just want to hear what she has to say.
And they're like, well, that's Burt's speech. Jenna, and she comes up and she goes, okay, hold on one second.
Okay, he doesn't really want to be past president. This is a joke.
You're joking, right? Hold on. I have a bad knee.
No, listen, Christy has a bad knee also. And I just raised my hand.
I go, I'd like to rescind my nomination for president. And that is the funnest.
I got in trouble in college for it. There was a Miss Florida State pageant.
And every fraternity had to have a contestant that you brought up. And so we're getting there, and we're sitting in the big auditorium, and no one's taking the mic, and no one's taking the mic.
And I'm like, I'm going to go up and take the mic. So I get up and I walk up and I go, I want to thank you everyone for coming.
This is so great. We're give yourselves a round of applause for just, just coming out today.
And everyone gives yourselves a round of applause. I said, awesome.
If everyone just passed forward their physical forms and everyone's like, physicals, physicals. And I go, oh, you guys, that's totally cool.
If you don't have physical, I'll be administering administering physicals in the back bathroom so just line up back there and four girls got up and walked to the back bathroom and i was like i'm fucking around well i got a lot of trouble i had to go to fucking omega whatever and fucking apologize at their dinner you're of chaos. I love it.
It's just like the moment, there's humor in every moment, and it's like, how can I make this a ridiculous moment? I think when you become a comedian, you definitely can live in that. But then there's the other side where your jokes really don't fly.
But they're still funny sometimes. When you get the anti, when everyone's like, oh my god, how could he say that? That's even better, I would assume.
Have you had that where you've done something and everyone's like, dude, what the fuck? Fuck yeah. Isla had a dance for the kids.
And then they had taught them the foxtrot or whatever. And so it was their first dance.
Maybe they were fifth grade. And we got that same auditorium at the kids uh and then they had taught them like the fox trot or whatever and so it's like their first dance and maybe their fifth maybe their fifth grade and we go to that same auditorium at the school and the parents sit together and we're gonna watch our kids do the dance that's how the first dance goes so before this dance dance starts they pull us outside they're like hey listen um we need to have a conversation with the parents uh i apologized one of the teachers like i apologize i assumed everyone's gender and i paired them up boy girl boy girl i i i assumed a lot and i it's on me i hope to learn better but if you're cool with it the dance isn't going to go forward like this we're just going to just let them pair with whoever they want to pair with because apparently some parent got upset um we're gonna let them pair it's going to be like girl girl boy boy whatever it's just going to be him them or whatever they're all gonna pair up and they're not gonna do a dance they're just gonna dance to music is that okay and now i'm watching parents grandstand like going like actually we don't we don't even call our daughter our daughter a daughter whatever you know they're like spouting their politics and so they get to me and leanne and they're like are you guys cool with that and i was like i'll answer that and Leanne's like please don't and I said to a group of very liberal parents I go I actually don't care if my daughter dances with a boy or a girl just as long as it's white and the fucking I mean you could watch they were just like what did he say my wife's like he And I was like, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding. It better be a boy and it better be white.
And there were parents that were legit upset. Oh, I'm sure.
When I won the raffle that changed the raffles, there's a dude. This is, whoa.
So I win this one raffle that changes all the raffles. And I go in to Corolla like a week later.
And I'm telling them the story of this raffle. changes all the raffles and i go in to corolla like a week later and i'm telling them the story of this raffle what's and i say the guy's name one dad got really upset because after i won all the prizes i then walked around shirtless while the prize is going to parents going what did you guys win like i won all the prizes i won them all and this dad's like i have a raffle budget and i went i go fuck your raffle budget you're you're pretty much like the reason they invented the salary cap in football yeah just for elementary school you'd make a good baseball owner no but i think you've tapped into something here because it's and i have two young kids and i've just started to get into this world oh it's so great when you don't care yeah it's parents because i had i i've told this story on the show but i had a thing where my son's preschool got shut down out of nowhere because of, like, construction and all this stuff.
It basically was, like, these two really nice women were running it. COVID shut down.
They lost money. Like, they couldn't keep it afloat.
It was all very, like, understandable. Yeah.
And I was on this parent group chat, and there were people saying there was, like, a Ponzi scheme and everything and, like, all this stuff. And I almost almost i should have done i i now know that i should just go for it i almost replied to the whole group and was like now that you guys say it like i saw one of the teachers driving a lambo the other day because like they would have all taken it so seriously yeah i didn't but now i gotta start doing it because it is like i think it's the parents world like i've been in I've been in this for a couple of years.
My son's two and a half. Like, every time I'm around parents, people take it so seriously.
And it's like, what are we doing? Dude. Why is everyone so serious? Our first school was called the Sunshine Shack.
Okay? And by the way, I'm still using all very real names. Mm-hmm.
It's called the Sunshine Shack. It's a great school.
It's a great fucking school. It was a preschool.
It was awesome. First day there, we do like a parents you know, get to like orientation and it's all fucking famous people.
I mean it's Billy Crudup. Billy Crudup's chick at the time.
Something masters. I don't know who it is.
She was in Weeds. His chick at the time.
Nia Vardalos who wrote My Big Fat Creek Wedding, her husband Ian Gomez. It's everyone.
And then Jay Chenda Sekhar, like all these big famous people, and Fred Savage. And Fred Savage.
So Fred Savage, his kids were I think a year below mine maybe. Maybe he's Isla's age.
So Fred Savage one day. Now I always came to this place hungover.
I had always been out doing spots the night before. and one day Fred Savage is there and he's Isla's age.
So Fred Savage one day. Now, I always came to this place hungover.
I had always been out doing spots the night before. And one day Fred Savage is there, and he's on the ground playing with the kids.
I don't get on the ground for kids. I'm like, I'll sit in a chair, but I'm not getting on the floor.
Adjacent, yeah. Yeah.
He's on the ground. He's playing with the kids.
And I'm listening to these moms. And they're like, he's such a good dad.
He is such a good dad. And then one of the moms is like, and you would have known that.
Like knowing who, we grew up with him. We grew up with him.
We've known him since he was a little kid. And when I tell you, when I saw him on The Wonder Years, my first thought, I can't wait to see what he's going to be like as a dad.
And he's amazing. And I go over and I go, yeah, he has a good dad.
It's so crazy, like, considering who his father was that he turned out this way. And they're like, who's his dad? I go, Randy the Macho Man Savage.
And they're like, for real? And I go, yeah, his mom's a beautiful Elizabeth. And I go, you didn't know that? And they're like, oh, yeah, I guess he has a showbiz family.
And then I just walked away. And then the fucking people that ran the stage, son of a jack, were like, hey, man, are you talking shit about Fred Savage? savage you know you want to know the worst one the worst one was uh was i i i uh billy i mean i billy billy crud up i'm sure it's in the news or something billy crud up billy crud up's a fucking great guy that's why i'm hesitant to say anything bad about billy crud up and i'm not saying anything bad about him he's awesome he wasn't part of this billy kredip's a fucking legit guy like a legit great guy top to bottom a great guy but no no but but i think i'm just hoping this isn't gossip but it's been fucking 17 years so he um him and his chick get split up right and he maristin masterson whatever name is they split up and he starts dating someone else i think it was a celebrity i don't remember i think it was i think it was claire danes someone have to Google it, but it's, it's, it her name is.
They split up and he starts dating someone else. I think he was a celebrity.
I don't remember. I think it was Claire Danes.
Someone had to Google it. But it's fodder for the tabloids.
So we have an end of the school picnic and someone at the picnic takes pictures and sells them to the star or whatever. And fucking because of my constant behavior,

they immediately assume it's me.

But nothing about you would say like,

this is a guy that would go behind your back.

Yeah.

I did have a big camera because I was a dad.

Because I was a dad.

Because I was a dad.

You got like this vest on with the rolls of film in it and shit.

But I had like a camera because back then

the cell phones didn't take pictures.

Right.

So like I had a legit camera because I was a dad. And as soon as I get blamed for something, I start behaving guilty.
The second you go, hey, did you cheat on – my wife one time found a pair of jeans in my laundry. Like girls' jeans.
Sexy girl jeans. She goes, whose are these? And I started laughing so hard that I couldn't defend myself.
I go, I have no idea.

And I was like, I don't know.

I don't know where they came from.

And she goes, where the fuck would you find these?

And I was like, I have no fucking idea.

I have no idea.

And she legit was like, how the fuck would you have come home with girl jeans?

Her best friend was like, fuck him.

He's a cheater.

Divorce him.

He's a cheater.

You caught him.

He's a cheater.

Divorce him.

And then my wife's like, fuck it. I'm going to wear the jeans.
So we go out to dinner with her best friend, Julie, and she wears the jeans. And Julie says, hey, you're wearing my jeans.
Leanne goes, these are the jeans I found in his laundry. And she's like, no, those are my jeans.
She's like, I've been looking for those jeans. And Leanne goes, how did your jeans get in his laundry? Turns out I had come home from the airport, gone to Julie's house to party, put my jacket on her chair.
Her jeans were on the chair. Picked up my jacket and her jeans.
I was like, fucking cunts. I told you.
I fucking told you. I'm not a cheater.
When the machine story went viral, and the reason I'm sure I told you this. When the machine story went viral, the reason it went viral was someone in my class had written, I was on this trip.
I was in Birch Russian class. The story's 100% true.
he fucking robbed us right right on facebook yeah on facebook do i screen grabbed it i'm not even joking i screen grabbed it and i sent it to tom and i was like i i knew i wasn't lying and he goes i i believed you the whole time i go no i didn't believe myself yeah like i i have like whatever like guilty like as soon as someone has money missing i think i did it. And I don't know what that is.
I'm sure there's some fucking... Going to get back to Bert in a second, but before we do, you know the mountains are blue.
They're always blue. The chaos of the big tournament can be unpredictable, to say the least.
And even the best players take a moment to cool off on the bench when you need to take a breather. Take a seat with a refreshing Coors Light.
That's the beer that's made to chill. They're a commercial.
That song in the commercial that they're playing, it's been stuck in my head. It's a great song.
Very relaxing song. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
People wait all year for this, and the tournament is a perfect excuse to do nothing but chill and watch the games with the beer that's made to chill. Coors Light.
There's only one beer out there that's literally made to chill. That's Coors Light.
The mountains on the bottles and cans, they turn blue when your beer is cold. That way, you always know when it's time to chill.
We love Coors Light. It's all we're drinking this March.
It's the official beer of basketball. It's the official beer of sports.
It's the official beer of chilling out, hanging out with your buddies, watching the mountains turn blue. When you need a strategic timeout from the madness, reach for Coors Light.
It's the beer that's made to chill so you can refresh the spirit and jump back into the excitement. Get Coors Light in the new look delivered straight to your door with Drizzly or Instacart by going to CoorsLight.com slash take.
That's CoorsLight.com slash take. Celebrate responsibly.
Coors Brewing Company, Golden, Colorado. And now here's more Burt Kreischer.
We got to get Tom on too. Tom Segura, your co-host.
How's he doing physically after his one of the all, if you haven't seen the clip, it's very relatable to anyone who played any sport at any point in their life and then gained some weight in 20 years and then said, I'm going to go do this again um it scared me off of playing basketball for a little bit there he's he's doing good he's doing really good you know and all would he break tell me the whole list of injuries so he he went to jump and as he went to jump his left uh patella ruptured that's such a bad injury too that's just the start not even i No, but that alone, people talk about. That's such a bad injury, too.
That's just the start.

I know, but that alone, people talk about the ACL as being a bad injury. If you rupture your patella tendon, that's the most painful knee injury that you can possibly have.
Well, his exploded because apparently it wasn't meant to solely hold 280 pounds. His patella was never invented to hold what he did to it so then that exploded and then tom in his his quick thinking grabbed his left arm to catch his body now that left arm the humerus bone also was not meant to hold 280 pounds and it broke in half and then because he was moving so fast because when that much mass moves that forward that fast, it spun in a circle,

and his arm was facing as if it was, like,

reaching for cheat notes in class,

like, hey, man, can you pass me the notes?

And now this happens in a blink of an eye.

It happens in a second.

He's like, hey, you guys want to see me dunk?

And we're like, uh-huh.

Everyone's like, get your cameras out.

This is going to be good.

And you hear a pop-up, and ahhh. the the panic noise of real pain that not not like ow ow ow like the gasping yeah call 9-1-1 call 9-1-1 i watched it so i i have a sick thing where i love watching injury videos what's ironic is he too.
That's the irony in all of this is if you show him an Asian guy getting kneecapped by a car in a garage, he is crying laughing. Yes, that's me.
Yes. I'm the same way.
It's puke videos and any type of horrific injury, I will watch it every time. I just love that his body just quit on itself.
He was like, nope, I'd rather self-implode than do what you're asking me to do right now. And he was so competitive that day.
Now, here's what you need to know about me and Tom, is athletically, across the board, I've always been better than Tom in everything, in everything there is to do. There's not one thing he can hold a candle to me at all, ever, anything.
And I know that. I know that.
I'm a little bit like because I played sports growing up, I can pick up very quick. He said one day, he goes, I've been taking tennis lessons.
And I, without knowing where he was in tennis, I said, I'll destroy you. And he went, you don't know how good I am.
I said, it doesn't matter. I'd destroy you.
And he goes, but I don't know how good you are. And he goes, I said, it doesn't matter.
I'd destroy you. And he goes, let's play tennis.
And I said, let's play tennis. I aced i i aced i aced his tennis coach his tennis coach pulled tom aside before the match and said heads up your boy's got a division one serve and he was like what he was like i have no idea where his game is horrible but his serve is fucking top notch and it has he's got three different types of spin you need to watch out for and when he puts the heater on it goes past you and and.
And by the way, I have a Division I serve in tennis. So Tom's like, what the fuck? I aced him so bad that it was no longer funny.
His wife came out and brought his kid to cheer him on. And then she put him in the car.
She didn't want him to see it. It was that bad.
So when we went to play basketball, Tom all of a sudden was better at me in basketball. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I also I also and this from doing travel channel a lot I knew you don't you don't always have to give it 100 right because you can get hurt so when playing basketball I'm kind of just fucking around going like I have not moved around a lot I was the fattest I've ever been and and so when we went to dunk I was like I'm not gonna fucking hurt myself Tom was like I Yeah. And man, it happened so quick.
And I'll admit my initial instinct of resetting his arm wasn't the best idea. How long was he like actually out for? Like six months? He had to do everything, right? He had to do all rehab and everything? I mean, the best parts of this story are the aftermath.
I mean, there's so much. Because here's the thing.
Okay, so everyone loves Tom. I love Tom.
He's my best friend. He's hilarious on stage.
But the funniest parts of Tom are the sad parts. Like when he goes like, so we go to his house.
I go home. I tell my wife.
I go, Tom's fucked himself up. He's in the hospital.
She goes, we need to drive over and help push. Push is not equipped to do this by herself.
And I was like, you're right. So we go to Tom's house, and I buy a, like, if you're lifting an old person, they put a belt around them.
I buy one of those belts. And they're like, what the fuck is this for? And I go, we're going to have to get Tom in this house.
He can't use any parts of his body. I need to put a fat belt on him and carry him.
And they're like, okay. So he gets there, and when Tom is bummed out, it is my favorite look in the world.
There's not a child who's dropped an ice cream cone that could do it better. He's got a little look where he just goes like.
And so I put the fat belt on him, and I carry him into his screening room, and I throw him on the thing, and he's sweating now. They didn't even reset his arm at the hospital.
He's got a brace on his thing, and he's just like this. He's in pain, and he looks up, and my wife just looks at him and goes, you're about to get fat as fuck.
And his look on his face was priceless. Did he have stairs in his house and shit that he had to get around? He did.
He had a ton. He had a four-story house in the Palisades.
So they had to do the old person chair that took him up and down the stairs? They were like, okay, we're going to have to make a ramp to get him in and out. All because he played basketball one day.
All because he played basketball. And he said, do you want to see me dunk? The best.
For like half a second he played basketball. The best is, now Tom and I are also very different men in comics.
If you see us on the street and you're like, oh shit, Bert, I will match your energy. And I'll be like, hey, what's up? How you doing? Want to get a picture? Sure, let's do it.
If you do that to Tom, he will shut down and be like, not now. And just walk away.
So he's not he's not, not a dick, but he's not like, he doesn't, fame is not why he ever got into this at all. So the next day I have to get him a medical transport to get him to the hospital.
This guy shows up with long hair clears. It's clear he's been smoking in this van.
I now have a wheelchair. I get Tom in the wheelchair.
I wheel him out to the thing. I get him in the thing.
The guy, Tom's also overweight. This guy and I are struggling to get him there.
It's the height of COVID. We're all messed up.
Tom's messed up. He's in the same pants he was wearing the night before.
Same sweat smells. We get in the back of the van.
There's no air conditioning. The guy's like, we start to drive and Tom just looks at me and he's like, he's at his lowest.
He now knows he's going in for a full time of surgery. And he goes, uh, and the guy goes, so what do you guys we're comedians and he goes tell me a joke i go tom tell him a joke his sadness was the funniest thing out of all of the whole fucking thing we got him in the elevator and his arms like this things like this and he got stuck in the elevator i mean there was so much to it we had to take him in I had to take him into the emergency room at Cedar Sinai in the peak COVID.
We're talking December of COVID of a year ago, and we had to get him to piss in a bottle. I mean, it was talking like, I literally said to him, if you've ever questioned how much I love you, let this remind you that this is how much I love you.
I mean, that was a really intense time for friendship. I can't even imagine how you would take a shit like that.
He didn't actually for a while because he was on pain pills. So he was on so many pain pills, he wasn't shitting.
And then when he started shitting, he had COVID, so he thought he was just detoxing from pain pills. Oh, Jesus Christ.
By the way, these are all stories you would never hear from Tom Segura. He would never tell you these.
But yeah it was an interesting time in my life and then I ruptured my arm and blew out my tendons and he was great for me because he like helped me got me a physical therapist and yeah he's an interesting person. I know that you're a golf fan.
Can you still play golf with your injuries?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I played Pebble Beach the other day on the fucking –

have you ever played with the one that's got the screen?

I played it several times on Tiger Woods 2005, I think.

That golf game, maybe the best sports video game of all time.

Maybe the best.

So I was addicted to that game.

I was addicted to that game.

I love that game more than ever.

I played real Pebble Beach. I was playing the one that you hit into the mat and it shows up.
I played that the other day. But I played Pebble Beach for real.
And it wasn't until hole five, the par five uphill. You know the one on the cliff where you hit and then you got to hit up blind until I went, I've played this fucking course a million times.
I was actually on hole three, I think, or hole three.

You're like, this is way easier in person than this.

I'm well prepared.

I got up there, and I go, this is a drivable par four.

And he's like, it's not drivable.

I go, it's 310.

It's a drivable par four.

And he goes, it's uphill.

I go, it's a drivable par four.

I hit five balls until I got up by the sand trap.

We got to get you down to the Masters. That would be great to have you go cover the masters there oh that's all you had to say yeah that's all you had to say that is all dude that's the perfect environment for a guy like you because it is you know it's the old school place very buttoned up traditions important down there you know they do like they do like fake bird sound effects on the on the broadcast no way they're really doct it up they spray paint the grass to make it look greener than it really is they do have an army of people that walk around like picking up every single leaf with like little tweezers to make sure that it looks perfectly manicured golf tournaments are fun as fuck we just go to the tpc every year out the down on st augustine i think i think that's where it is uh but all i know is that hole 17 we just sat by that that par three yeah and just watch and everyone would bet it was the funnest yes yeah but getting you down in augusta and inside the masters that would be maybe the best content that i've ever had i would fucking i would i would come all over my pants to be at the at the master that's how you get in they'll hear that and they'll be like okay hey man i guys hope you know i came in my pants for this oh cool bird thanks wait so you

when you got when you walked in here this morning um you have you have a show in newark on when

tomorrow tomorrow so we're gonna run this friday when's the next show uh in in brooklyn on uh on

i'll tell you exactly by the way my wife called and was like texting do you need something

I don been good. It's my whole thing is I've been good.
And then I got on the plane last night, and we do this thing called Private Suite. It's where it's like a separate entrance.
We got it for COVID, and now I'm addicted to it. Wait, what is it? It's Private Suite.
It's a different entrance. You go, so like the airport's here, all the gates are here.
Well, it's on the other side, and you pay extra, and you go to a private suite, and you hang out there, and it's stocked. You can take whatever you want out of there.
It's stocked. They bring you caviar, and then they put you in a car and drive you onto the tarmac, onto the plane.
That's amazing. It costs more, but if you've got parents that are older like me, it makes sense because they don't want to be in the airports during COVID.
Right. And for me and my team, when we fly out, we all meet at Private Suite.
We all hang up, party our balls off. It's fucking all you can drink.
And then we get on the plane. So I was like, I'm good.
I'm not drinking. I had a busy day yesterday.
And then I got there and had a bottle of wine and brought champagne and caviar, and I got fucking lit then got on the plane and then uh but didn't ring on the plane passed out listened to the ryan leaf podcast have you listened to that yeah we've had him on our show yeah he is fucking fascinating yeah like and by the way i didn't follow any of that when it was happening yeah i wasn't i don't you know i only watch i don't i don't give a fuck about the jamarcus russells and ryan leafs but like i will Ryan Leafs' podcasts last night. Yeah, he's got a good head about him.
When we were talking to him about as he was going through that process, he's able to look back and very clearly completely self-diagnose, here's where I fucked up, here's where the reasons are. He's a smart guy.
All I could think is, don't get the big house. That's all I thought.
And I just bought a big house. You did? Yeah.
And I was like, but I was hungry in that small house. In that small house, you had nowhere to go, so you got up and you left, or you got up and you went out back and you wrote.
In the big house, you're like, I'm going to polar plunge. I'm going to take a bath.
Yeah, like you have all the amenities. It's crazy.
That's all I heard is, don't get the big house. And it's interesting because I've been pushing away.
My wife loves our big house. My daughters love it.
But I've been distant from it because I go, this isn't mine. I still need to work.
I still have to work. This isn't mine.
It's fascinating. And it's fascinating to hear the things, the way his brain thought about vengeance and vendettas.
Because I know dudes in comedy that are that way. Right.
And I'm like, whoa. What is it do you think about guys in comedy that it's almost like they're so sensitive all the time? Like they've got these egos and so much of what drives them is just based on like hatred or like trying to bring somebody else that they think they're more deserving than down well I mean it really is you're talking about a group of guys who were more often than not not cool in high school not athletic not couldn't do anything never had a bunch of successes under their belts and so then when they get to comedy and they get a and there's a lot of rejection in comedy when you get that success you I know the instinct i know the instinct it's you it's there's a period when you get a first flash of success where you want to tell everyone to fuck themselves right you want to tell everyone that and i i went through it i mean i'm not saying that everyone went through it but i went through it where you get that first thing and you're like you want to call up the agents that didn't want to work work with you or people that didn't want to help you and be like, I told you.
But the best thing you can do is shut your fucking mouth. It's the old Bill Murray.
I think you said it specifically about Chevy Chase that everyone gets one year to be a dick when they become famous. Yeah.
And then you got to adjust. And then Chevy Chase obviously never did.
But that was like- I never was a dick because, so I got very lucky. I got very lucky in that I had travel channel, small travel channel success, not, not, not success, but it was just like stripper money, you know, like it was good money.
And then everything went away. And during that time I was, when you get fired from travel channel and you don't have a special and you're just working the road and everyone including yourself thinks this will not happen for me it is it is a a an insight i wish every comic could get because you see the comics that look over your shoulder when they're talking to you at the store you see the comics that look in your eye i'll know i'll tell you the comics are looking in your eye joe rogan bill burr tom segura i'm not i'm not saying that other people don't joey diaz my friends my small group of friends they're the guys that are that none of that shit matters i mean Bill Burr and Tom Segura.
I'm not saying that other people don't. Joey Diaz, my friends, my small group of friends, they're the guys that none of that shit matters.
I mean, Bill Burr and Joe Rogan, I have said this before, when I walked into the backstage of the store one time, they were like, hey man, your show sucks. And I was like, what? And they're like, your travel show sucks.
You're wasting your life. You're a talented comic and you're awesome on podcasts.
Focus on your podcast. Get your special done.
Fuckingiable joe rogan joe rogan probably more than burr but burr's you know burr just is a quieter dude rogan was like you need to get the fuck out of travel channel and um and when i got fired i remember you find out you find out who the real people are and then when you get you do their first theater tour and you sell them all out and then you add shows and you start doing red rocks and like i'm doing the greek on may 5th small plug but like hell yeah you can find out who those real people are and who the real because now there's people that would look over my shoulder that are like what's up bert yeah hey man i heard you got a project going like what's going on you and tom sell something man if you ever need a a fat astronaut right you know right let's try to invite themselves yeah. I feel like the podcast just in general is so much, it's perfect for you because you don't have to worry about having like a full team of people to approve every idea that you have.
And I have a lot of bad ones. Yeah, but the bad ideas are usually the best ones.
Oh, we're, right? Yeah, oh. Dude, let me tell you something.
You should do a show that's just strictly bad ideas. I've had, by the way i i've had bad ideas that are so bad that everyone says they're horrible until fucking dave portnoy green lights them and then all of a sudden burke chrysler's a goddamn genius and then i have my next bad idea and everyone's like quick quick quick before barstool does it and it's not a good idea anymore so i came up with two bears sports management probably like three years ago i was like we need to start signing agent signing talent it was a joke and and tom's like what do you mean i go we need a talent we need to find talent and we talked about it we laughed about it athletes reached out to us we talked to one guy the handshake king we signed him but then you guys did it and all of a sudden all these agents that mocked me hit me up like you still doing sports management and i was like all right man we don't have infrastructure they do they're that's a they're a different animal like they're gonna do it and succeed tom and i were just thinking about a lark and then i came up with stupid fucking two bears racing a racing team and i fucking just invested a hundred thousand dollars and i'm just waiting for dave and you guys to do it so that it's a real idea what is what is i bought bought Tom a race car.
You bought him a race car? For his birthday. I bought him a race car.
So we do gay birthdays. So we do- Gay guys buy the best presents ever, right? So one year, Tom bought me like a $3,000 electric bike that goes 40 miles an hour.
Oh, those things are sick. They're awesome.
Yes. And they're even better- They're motorcycles.
They're even better at 2 a.m. when you're drunk and no one's out, so then the next year i bought him we said for our birthdays we'll buy more expensive gifts every year and we'll until we get to a million dollars and so then unbelievable but i'm like i'm like looking at my time my tom's 42 i'm 49 i gotta i gotta speed this up right so i buy him the next year he had moved to austin i bought him a 15 000 wave runner that goes 70 miles an hour right so he's like nice so then this year does he use it every fucking day oh okay tom's a speed freak okay so he gets on glass and just he uses it so much he bought a second one okay so so then this year he calls me up i'm stressed We got the movie coming out.
We're wrapping the movie.

I'm doing screenings in like Sugar Land, Los Angeles.

I'm doing shows.

I'm on tour.

And I'm stressed out.

Tom knows.

And I'm doing Two Bears in Austin.

And he knows I'm stressed out.

And he calls me up.

He goes, happy birthday.

Don't worry about next week.

It was like my busiest week.

And I go, what?

And he goes, don't worry about it.

I got you.

After your show in Minneapolis, I got a private jet.

It's going to pick you up.

It's going to take you to Austin. We're going to do two Two Bears.
Then the private jet's going to take you to Sugar Land, and it's going to drop you off to go to the screening of the movie. Then it's going to take you back to LA so you can see the girls and do your voiceover.
Then the private jet is going to fly you back out on the road. I was like, for real? He was like, yeah.
He goes, and it's not one of the tiny ones. It's the fucking G5.
It's the fucking big one one. It's like $70,000.
And I'm like, all I thought was, motherfucker, I got to spend $100,000 on this guy next year. So I said to him, he's really into cars and racing.
And I said, let's start two bears racing. I'll buy you a race car for your birthday.
And he's like, are you being serious? And I said, yeah. And he goes, no, you don't mess around with me.
This is like dream and i was like done so i bought a 56 000 race car uh we're doing endurance races bmw endurance races hell yes and i would love if you guys if barstool could start his race team to make this fucking real yeah if you guys just pitch us around the office if barstool starts a race team then all of a sudden my idea doesn't look like a weird fucking idea where's the race uh all around endurance races are forever so our first race i think we're gonna get rogan tom and and uh matt farah to be our race team it's over 24 hours so they each are just doing laps and laps and laps i've got them a trailer i got everything wrapped i got them four extra tires and i've got a crew that's gonna be there i'm in the race so it's like the uh it's on one track though it's on one track and it's all different types of cars so you're not really racing you're racing against people in your it by the way i don't really know what i'm talking about so i don't know what the fuck i just have the money to buy the fucking race team what does the winner get somebody the business plan on it the business plan uh ad sales okay yes so already in just talking about it all our advertisers for two bears have asked if they could buy space on the car. And I'm like, oh, this could work out pretty good.
Secondly, live events. So we do live events, me and Tom.
And so content for live events is always the key to a great live event. This could be a great live event either hosted there or shot and then taken on the thing you have uh i made sure that my car has all cameras and and uh the video on the inside so people can live stream and watch tom race a car for fucking endurance i'm down to drive yeah by the way let me tell you something i i came up with the idea of thinking because I literally thought, how do we get into Formula One? Right.

And then all of a sudden, this guy, Matt Farah, who has a great podcast called The Smoking Tire, he hit me up. He goes, this is actually a really great idea.
And he goes, for $100, thousand dollar investment you can get into endurance racing and i can help you out and i was and he knows everything about cars so we bought the car we bought the trailer it's in sacramento it shipped yesterday it's gonna get yeah and so that's tom's birthday present is a race team i love it i love it yeah so now what's the expectation on your part for him to come back at you next year what's the what's the ground floor for the price level i mean i'm assuming we're just going to double up i'm thinking two hundred thousand dollars yeah i don't know i kind of want like a a ranch house in montana like i'm i really by the way i brought i told this to a gay dude and he goes do you know the stress we have when my boyfriend buys me something for christmas that i've got to one up him the one upmanshipupmanship because it's dudes right right it's fucking dudes so there's the competition there then there's the love then there's the disposable income we had gay guys writing in their favorite presents they brought them dude it was like uh my boyfriend uh got me tickets to the subway series uh like it was like it was like the best fucking presents gay guys are just guys they're just guys they're just fucking guys they're just guys who get sick ass fucking presents sick ass not all of them on gucci someone like go let's go to the masters let's go to the you know right so that's fucking i'm expecting a big present next year i love it i love it um all right right, my last question. You should get Roback to sponsor the race car.
Roback. Go to R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com.
We have some Roback here. Oh, I know Roback.
Yeah. Dude.
20% off if you use code TAKE. Which size you wear? By the way, they just sent me a huge fucking box.
Oh, they're the best. They actually are the best.
They are the best. The most comfortable clothes.
We went to a lacrosse game. I got my Roback box for the podcast.

And it was cold, and I pulled out a couple of the overshirts,

and my dad fucking was like, who is this?

And I go, it's this podcast sponsor.

It's Roback.

And he was like, shut up.

He was like, buddy, can I go through this?

Yes.

Yeah, and then he's like, no, this is going to fit you.

I was like, easy, big guy. Yeah, no, my too like it's i think it's it's the most comfortable stuff in the world so roback.com use code take you get 20 off sponsoring bert's racing team eventually we look i don't know where the money in this is see that's why i need you guys if you guys start your race team then you i know you guys will figure out where the money well dave has has got a very good eye for business and how to make money off this stuff.
When you guys, because when I pitched sports management to Tom, however long ago, my agents, no one could figure out how you could make money. And then you motherfuckers came in and you're like, collegiate athletes.
And I was like, that's why you guys are where you are. I'm not even joking.
And I saw you guys in Dick's Sporting Goods the other day

I'm like

that fucking brain

that's a once in a lifetime brain

and you guys have a beautiful collective here

of brilliant fucking people

it's a combination of brilliant chaos

and then a lot of weirdos

weirdos are great though

I love weirdos

there's so many companies out there that almost exclusively hire

non weirdos

they do everything that they can in their process

I'm sorry. A lot of weirdos.
Weirdos are great, though. You've got to have the weirdos.
Yeah. I mean, there's so many companies out there that almost exclusively hire non-weirdos.

They do everything that they can in their process to make sure that no weirdos are working at, like, an ESPN or, like, a Fox Sports.

People love fucking watching weirdos. Yes.

They put ass in seats.

Weirdos are the best.

Dude.

They are the best.

Weirdos, bad ideas are, like, I love, this one guy's hit me up.

Because I have a thing, we did a thing on Two Bears that I love original ideas.

I love original ideas.

Ideas you never heard.

And this is, one guy who was like, dude, may not be the best idea, I got two dishwashers in my house. And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, who the fuck? I just load one up, and then I have one empty, so when I load the other one up, I put two dishwashers in my house.
Because this fucking guy wrote in, I put two dishwashers in my house. Change your life? I don't know.
I don't do dishes, but my wife loves them. All right, Bert.
Thank you so much for stopping by. Everyone go check it out.
Anytime you guys are in LA, please come do my podcast. Yes.
Absolutely. And if you're in Austin, we always need guest bears.
So if you're ever in Austin- How often are you down in Austin? Once a month okay yeah once a month yeah i used to live there i go back every chance i can get yeah yeah

i appreciate i appreciate this it is i i'm telling you thank you very much for having me on yes thank

you for coming on loved having you on fuck yeah yes all right thanks to bert kreischer great guest

um we are going to wrap up the show with uh a little marsh madness and marsh madness

This is brought to you by our friends at Visible. Visible has a single-line plan for as low as $25 a month with unlimited data, talk, text, and hotspot.
5G is included, plus it's powered by Verizon. It's everything you'd get on a family plan, but you don't need a family.
Stream a can't-miss game. If you're like Jake and you've got to watch every single game, you've got to make sure you have Visible.
Stream us. Your favorite podcasters are some of the best wireless around.
There's nothing worse than a bad connection when you're trying to stream the fourth quarter or second half, so make sure that you get Visible. You need unlimited data.
Unlimited data is a must when it comes to this month and also every single month. Unlimited data is the way to go.
For data management practices, learn more at Visible.com. Additional terms apply.
Marsh Madness, thank you to Visible. And yeah, if you're not doing this, I don't know what you're doing.
You got to have the most powerful phone. You got to have the unlimited data.
You got to have the 5G. It's powered by Verizonizon it has unlimited data talk text and hot spots and it's as low as 25 bucks a month thank you to visible great plan for everyone out there marsh madness let's do it where are we at all right so we had 20 from the opening weekend i'm still missing a bunch but we're at 29 right now i think the last 30 to 60 seconds will be the final four.
So I'm saving a lot for the back end there. Question.
Yeah. Have you factored in the possibility of them just dedicating it solely to Coach K if they win? Oh, my God.
Just a spotlight on Coach K on the court. Oh, my God.
If it's just his whole career? Yeah. It could happen.
Oh, my God. I fucking hate you, Hank.
Oh, my God. god that was actually i think that was first reported by frank fleming he did say that yeah over the weekend but yeah i think oh then i'm not feeling bad about that frank frank has yeah i'm okay good idea frank has coach k coaching the lakers lebron's there uh steph curry just got traded there he got the uh yannis is there kevin durant They're all there Given the storylines of this year's Final Four It's going to be Final Four heavy this year Yeah Elite Eight didn't happen We had the cheerleader again That cheerleader is on there We have this unlucky miss in Gonzaga, Arkansas It went over the back of the rim Oh my, my God.
That's going to be in there.

Yeah, that's for sure.

This is definitely going to be on there.

The cool jump up by St. Peter's, Matthew Lee.

How much St. Peter's is going to factor into this?

Because they got to have Doug in there at some point, too, right? Yeah, Doug hitting a three will be on there.

I also had St. Peter's Purdue missing the buzzer beater.

Do you think that they'll have Jaden Ivey opting out of the Sweet 16? Well that focus on the image shot so right part of it yeah happened um interview heavy there was some good interviews this weekend uh first up shaheen holloway and then the players coming over yeah to greet him i love that i love that interview that was awesome awesome you know what a red flag about doug is though? Doug says that he doesn't like sandwiches. How can you say you don't like sandwiches? That's ridiculous.
Everybody's got a sandwich. Maybe he just likes wings.
He's sponsored by Buffalo Wild Wings. Yeah.
Well, they also have delicious sandwiches there and more. And he's good at apologizing, too.
Yeah, he did apologize to you. Right.
Nice guy. Caleb Love, he checked towards the end of the UCLA game.

He won that game for him.

Awesome.

Awesome game.

That game was why this tournament is so brutal.

UCLA was winning that game and had it for 90% of the game,

and then Caleb Love just went nuclear for the last three minutes,

and it was like, oh, now you're going home.

Absolutely.

The Arkansas cheerleader, guarantee.

With Indiana. Yep.
Again, todayaylen williams taking a charge oh yeah i like that those old women with the hog smell good shirt oh yeah those are those were great so the williams thing i was crazy i didn't realize that he wears special pads to allow him to be able to take charges more efficiently sec brad davison that's That's crazy. Yeah.
He was incredible. He also had this ability.
He almost – it was like watching that clip of Miles Garrett where he basically teleports through the hole. That's what Jalen Williams would do.
He wouldn't be there, and then all of a sudden he'd just be underneath someone getting a charge. Yeah.
Tonight's Hubert Davis interview. Emotional.
Hot seat. Not by me.
By our podcast. Team Sport.
I'll take the heat for it. Okay.
Thank you. And Tony Bennett? Team Sport.
We're going to get one definitely of Manic headbanging and his mane just flowing in the air. Yeah, him hitting a three.
I think I had that last week.

But, yeah, he keeps hitting the threes.

What a second half by Kansas today.

David McCormick's and one I have on there when he went crazy.

Yep.

47-15 second half, I think it was.

Crazy.

Villanova players going over Justin Moore after they won.

Yep.

Couldn't get up.

Help him on the bench.

And then, yeah, the J and Ivy Miss and St. Peter'seter's the first elite eight team 15 seed to go to the elite eight crazy unreal run um also we had this debate on our post game show i'm interested to hear your thoughts because i was outnumbered in this one bigger upset st peter's over kentucky umbc over virginia yeah 16 one thank was outnumbered there.
That's what I said. What? There's been like 10 15s over a 2.
Yeah. But I get worked up.
They both said 15 over St. Peter's over Kentucky.
That's insane. These are the same guys that put Huber Davis on the hot seat? Jake, how do you do it? I don't even know what that argument is.
It's not an argument. That's the most recency biased argument I've ever heard.
I think they're making the argument because it's Kentucky and it's Coach Cal. I think there's some Jersey City.
Right. I understand it's a blue blood, but 16 over a one.
It's a one-time thing. 15 over two is like seven or eight times.
Lehigh. Jersey City.
Over Duke. Yeah.
I think it's not even a debate. They said maybe 60-40.
I'll tweet out the poll right now. Okay.
That's insane. I said UMBC over Virginia, and I was outnumbered.
I think sometimes your co-hosts on the podcast, I don't know how they function in real life. I feel like they walk around on their heads, just like seeing the world completely upside down sometimes.
Man, I'm sorry, Jake. That's them oh i love them too i love them but they are insane clinically i guess you know you know who should host that show instead of you would be emmanuel ocho yeah i think they would the three of them oh by the way he asked somebody he proactively asked somebody to reach out to me to ask me to block him which i did not do and then he blocked me too so now now i lost one of my carson winst stands yeah i'm looking actively for a new psychopath to stand carson winst with me emmanuel ocho i just be ready man because content kim is coming after you i still have her twitter account from when we did sling sleepers so that will be my burner.
I've been firing my burner at him. All cylinders.
Jake, great job. Thank you.

Always. Twitter account from when we did Sling Sleepers.
So that will be my burner. I've been firing my burner at him, all cylinders.

Jake, great job.

Thank you.

All ends in New Orleans. So excited.

Man, what a tournament.

Yeah, I'm excited to be there with you guys.

Yeah.

And you've never been to a Final Four?

I have been to a Final Four.

I have a sad story to share.

I told you this.

Oh, wait.

What?

I told you this.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's not that sad.

Okay.

Yeah, so 2016, I was a sophomore.

I'll be like... I have a sad story to share.
I told you this. Oh, wait.
What? I told you this. Okay, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's not that sad.
Okay. Yeah, so 2016, I was a sophomore.
I thought you told me someone died and I forgot. No, just like bummer.
Yeah, yeah. 2016, Syracuse.
I was a sophomore at Syracuse. They made the Final Four as a 10 seed.
Went down to Houston. They got smoked by UNC.
I was there. Oh, were you? Yeah.
They killed. Oh, that's awesome.
And I went back to school. I missed the greatest championship shot ever.
Yeah, but that's a totally normal thing to do. A lot of fans leave when their team leaves, but it's like I'm regretting it.
In 2014, I left after Kentucky beat Wisconsin. Fair, but knowing you missed the greatest shot ever.
I think you'll make up for it this time. Final Four is great, too.
It's like just middle-aged white dudes walking around in sweatpants for three days. And a lot of lawyers.
Well, yeah, because if you want to get down there you have to have a lot of money to be able to get in the building. So it's guys that are...
Lawyers. They will party.
Lawyers. Yeah.
Okay, Billy. Very important.
Where are we at? So we're not not in the It could be way worse Being that there'd be no Positive scenarios in the final four Yeah, if we lost all our money So it's about 50-50 Kansas and UNC If they win it all They come out positive So we would have made money We'd be up $651 if UNC won. We'd be up $31 if Kansas won.
That's money. And then Duke and Villanova are both.
We'd be down a K. We'd be down a K.
Duke or Villanova won. So one thing we didn't discuss.
Did you only bet a K of it? Right. So I have 600 left for this exact scenario.
I think we gotta let it ride on something. Yeah, so I'm thinking...
I gotta parlay. I was thinking...
This is a perfect segue, but yeah. I'm thinking parlaying Duke and Villanova because if both of them win, then we're gonna be in total...
Both are negative scenarios, so we gotta load up something on Duke and Villanova. So we'll have something to root for in the championship game.
Wait. Now, something we haven't discussed yet, though, is we probably should.
That's on us for giving you the money, then not talking about what the payment plan was on it. So, yeah, what percentage of the profits, if any, are we expected to give to you? I'm just going to give it all back to you guys.
Okay. That's cool.
And I'll match to myself. I'll match the portion to myself.
I'm also going to say what we should do, whatever amount we're left with. Wait, fuck.
Do they change how the women's Final Four goes? Now it's Sunday night, not Tuesday night. It's usually the night after.
I'm pretty sure they changed it, though. I was going to say we should take all the money and let it ride on the women's championship.
Give a little shine to the ladies. That'd be nice.
Yep, I'm down. For a second, I thought you were going to ask me to make a whole new spreadsheet for the women.
Yes, that's exactly what I want. I know they changed it April 3rd, which I believe is Sunday.
Oh. I'm pretty sure.
Yeah, Sunday. So that is the day before.
Yeah, they changed it. Yeah.
All right, so we'll have to make a decision on Sunday morning, Billy. We'll, we'll have to, you'll have to, we'll talk about it and, and you're going to be still in New Jersey.
So you'll be able to place a bet. Okay.
Thank God. St.
Peter's didn't win because I wouldn't have been able to put a future bet on it in the first place. Cause New Jersey.
Yeah. So that would have been really bad.
So, okay. Because I had $5 on St.
Peter's future to win it all when I was outside of New Jersey. They also, I think I saw a lot of books because when you bet on New Jersey, in New Jersey you can't bet on New Jersey teams.
So they'll have title odds excluding, like your bet is void if a New Jersey team wins. And it only had excluding Rutgers and Seton Hall.
They forgot to put it in St. Peter's.
What if they did in the final four? Who do you think is going to win? Duke, UNC, or I guess it would be Duke, Villanova, Kansas, or the field. And then the field would just be literally St.
Peter's. Could you get away with that, I wonder? No, I don't think so.
Yeah, pretty stupid laws. So we're rooting for UNC.
Yes, hard. Okay.
Until I got to put something together to try to get some better situations for Duke and Villanova. Okay.
You let us know how it goes, and then we will, after Saturday night, we'll make a decision on what we're going to do with the women's championship game on Sunday night, even though we'll have a good picture of where we're at. So, Hank, that leads you.
Leads us to you. You're hot.
I'm hot. I'll give a quick, just a quick backstory, because you're very involved in this, too.
I did have a good hungry dog season. I took my money out.
I haven't been really gambling much. So in the beginning of this tournament, on Thursday, I deposited three grand after like a million bets over the weekend.
I think I was up like to 4,500. You texted me to take Houston Sunday night at like 2 a.m.
Did that. This was Houston versus Arizona.
Houston versus Arizona. Yeah, this was before the Sweet 16.
So I did that, and then I think I had like 3,600 left after that Houston Moneyline bet and St. Peter's for 500.
I had 3,500 left. I said, fuck it.
Big Cat's doing Game of the Year. I'm going to put all of that on Duke minus 4.
So all three of those bets hit. I was feeling good about myself.
Big Cat had the game of the year. I felt good about the game of the year myself.

I understood his logic, Miami versus Iowa State.

Easy.

So I took everything that I was up, put that on Miami.

Responsibly.

Yeah, it was responsible.

It was winnings.

I was taking my winnings, and I loved the bet.

So that was $6,000 to win $11,000.

And then me and Big Cat were texting again on Friday night, and I was like, dude, I love UNC. There's no way that they're going to let – NCAA wants Duke and UNC bad.
And Big Cat was like, well, then Duke money line, UNC money line is the pick. That went off in my head.
It clicked. It sparked something in my mind.
On Saturday i drove to pennsylvania like an hour away

just so i could put this bet in and i can't bet on the unc st peter's game yeah so i bet i bet that 11 grand the tobacco road tsunami that hit so now i'm up a shit ton and i'm just trying to figure out like what my next move is i'm thinking about you know taking some out maybe booking a vacation or like a summer house or something typical but part of me well yeah obviously you gotta you gotta do something with it otherwise Hank you're not young anymore you got it you

shouldn't be booking summer houses. You've got to make it worth it.
Otherwise, if you just keep it all in the sportsbook, there's no reason. But I'm thinking the Celtics are the hottest team in the NBA right now.
Best defense, best offense. Duke-Celtics championship future.
Okay, so I don't mind the fact that you're out here trying some crazy shit, taking risks because it's been paying off for you. I don't love the fact that you're going cross sports here.
I don't like that you could get a winner. It's the brotherhood.
It's all connected. It's the brotherhood.
Jason Tatum. And then you'll have to wait for your next winner.
Well, I have a lot to play with. I wouldn't put $28,000 on it.
The scary thing is if Duke doesn't win at all, then you basically don't have your Celtics future. That's true.
But that's not going to happen. Come on.
Did you hear the beginning of the show? Let's think. What would the NCAA

rigged bet be?

I think it would probably be Kansas and

Duke money line. I agree.
That's the can't lose

parlay. So do that.

I think I have.

I can mess around a little bit. I do want

to do one whale play for

next weekend to keep the people going.

The ultimate NCAA rigged parlay

would be Duke money line, Kansas

money line, and future on Duke

winning the natty. or duke money line kansas money line future on celtics winning the championship 1 000 pays 23 wait on on duke money line kansas money line and celtics championship yeah 5 000 $5,000 pays $115,000.
That's it. It'd be a real shame.
When we're talking about these big... Anytime I see something like over $20,000 in an account, I just think that's a car.
Yeah. You should get a car.
Or a summer house. All right, well, this won't blow up in your face.
No, yeah, no, this is good. This won't blow up in your face.
I'm now feeling a lot more confident about UNC.

This is what I needed.

I needed some ridiculous...

Hank is great when he's using his logic, not when he's doing this.

What we're dealing with right now is dangerously confident Hank.

Right.

It's a terrible...

Yeah, that half little smile that Hank just had right there.

Patriot Hank has joined the chat.

I tried to tell you.

When Hank brings out the half smile...

I tried to share these bets with you.

He was like, no, I'm taking Arkansas.

So I was like,

Thank you. When Hank breaks out the half smile.
I tried to share these bets with you. PFT was like, no, I'm taking Arkansas.
I was like, that is the dumbest thing you could do. I tried to tell you.
I'm sorry. I was feeling good.
I hit St. Peter's Moneyline.
I had some cash burn in my pocket. There was a great moment on Saturday night, PFT, when Hank and Marty, Duke was up like 20.
And they're like, people just hate us. And Marty's like, oh, because I'm a Yankees and Duke fan.
And Hank's like, yeah, I'm a Patriots and Duke fan. I was like, oh, my God, these guys.
So, you know, I mean, I kind of went through this a little bit during football season with Hank, but the fact that all his teams are so good, like I've just kind of accepted the fact that there's something. Hank is a winner.
Hank personally wins things all the time. Yeah, no, this is going to be.
And I think it's a testament to Hank. It's not about the Patriots.
It's not about Coach K. I would bet on Hank.
If there was like an ability to bet on a better, I'm taking Hank Moneyline. Yeah, I wouldn't let you down.
Think about it. We've gotten this whole thing.
Like, we talked about Coach K's farewell tour. This has all been leading up to Hank.
Like, Hank is going to New Orleans. He's now a suit, so he gets to, you know, stay in the suite and everything.
He's, you know, director of content. He gets everything he wants.
Vice president. He's going to actually be able to trade business cards with Dukies on Bourbon Street at like 4 a.m.
But this is all leading up to the best weekend of Hank's life. He's going to get to watch his team and his coach cut down the nets and walk away.
And we know how fun it is to celebrate a championship on Bourbon Street. I feel like Duke fans probably will be a little more rowdy.
They'll be doing their taxes because it is close to April 15th. I mean, I got to get to sleep.

What we saw last time was LSU winning a national championship

in New Orleans.

I feel like this would be crazier.

Yeah, this is probably going to be crazier, Duke, for sure.

I was going to say something I'm not going to say

because we get this podcast in a lot of trouble.

Yeah.

I'm not going to say what I was going to say.

Daniel Jones and Bates having like half a hand grenade

and then going to sleep.

Mm-hmm.

Dude, don't let Bates Jones get hot.

Coach K needs to play him more. Grant Hill having half of a T and falling asleep.
And fucking Gymnast. Who will Gymnast give his tie to? Because Duke doesn't have any seniors because they don't have any senior nights, right? I think it might be Coach K if they went ahead.
Oh my God! This is torture! Am I wrong, though? No, you're not. This is torture.
It's Coach K.

This is absolute torture.

He's probably going to give it to Coach K's grandson.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's possible.

Or Mickey.

He'll be like, here, give this to your driver that your grandfather has purchased.

You see, Coach K, please don't take a picture.

He's so sick of all this attention.

It's not about him.

This is going to be sickening.

Please, UNC.

I bought so much UNC gear i just need them

so bad i need them so so bad let's go for six oh you motherfucker 13 66 25 11 6-0

Nice pick, bro

72

Did we just have 72? Back to back. Oh, wow.
Damn. PMT rigged.
Damn. People in India wear masks on the back of their head to make sure that tigers don't sneak up on them.
Love you guys. Libs.
Pretty soon, Fauci's going have us doing that here, too. Rex Chapman teach you that one? Locker charge.
This guy in India got eaten by a tiger because he didn't have his mask on. Talking away Though I don't know what I'm to say I'm saying it is way Today Today's another day to find you.
Shine it away. I'll be coming for your love of peace.
Shine it away. I'll be coming for your love of peace.
Take on me. Take me on.
I'll be gone But after I'm too Needless to say I'm all the same But I'm feeling stolen stolen away. Slowly learning that life is okay.
Say after me, it's no better to be safe than sorry. Say after me, it's no better to be safe than sorry.
Take on me. Take me on.
I'll be gone. In a day of time.
The things that you say isn't like one. Just to play my worries worries away You're all the things I've got to remember Are you shying away? I'll be coming for you anyway Are you shying away? I'll be coming for you anyway Take on me, take me up, I'll be gone.