The Blueblood Final 4 Is Set, Coach K Suck Fest, Emergency Will Smith Oscars Segment + Bert Kreischer In Studio

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.

Speaker 2 Whether I'm hosting game day at my place or taking my talents to the tailgate, Boar's Head is my go-to for a spread that's as exciting as the game itself. Their platters are a hit every time.

Speaker 2 They've got everything you need to keep your guests coming back for more. And if you want to take it up a notch, grab a few dips.

Speaker 2 My personal favorite, the Blazing Buffalo Chicken, hummus or even one of their charcuterie collections for game-changing flavor boarshead helps me elevate my entertaining every time whether it's for a tailgate or a home gating celebration to upgrade your spread visit your local boarshead deli for platter options or build your own to make it perfect for your crowd boarshead committed to craft since 1905 on today's part of my take burt kreischer back in studio people thought i was joking at the end of friday's show when i said he's on on monday's show because they thought I was just saying the original interview.

Speaker 1 But no, he came back. All new stories.
Hilarious guest. Laughed very, very hard multiple times talking about all of Bert's hijinks.
We have our final four set. The Blue Blood Invitational is set.

Speaker 1 We're going to talk about the weekend, the Elite Eight,

Speaker 1 Friday Nights Games, where we're at as a podcast. It's going to be a blood war in New Orleans.
And then after Bert, we're going to talk. Billy's got his spreadsheet.

Speaker 1 We're going to do some Marsh Madness. He's going to tell us some of his one-shining moments.
And Hank has a full-send parlay that he's contemplating that we will discuss as well.

Speaker 5 Before we do all of that, when Cool Creamy Ranch meets tangy, bold buffalo, the whole is greater than the sum of its sauce.

Speaker 5 Say howdy, partner, to new Buffalo Ranch sauce, only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 1 At participating, McDonald's. Let's go.

Speaker 1 Boy!

Speaker 1 Electric I revenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna

Speaker 6 It's part of my take. There's another Marshal Sports.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Pardon My Take. Today is Monday, March 28th, and the Blue Blood Invitational is set.
The Final Four is ready to go. The Holy War, Duke vs.
UNC, Kansas and Villanova, we're there.

Speaker 1 It's going to be an all-time weekend in New Orleans.

Speaker 6 This might be the best Final Four start to finish. In terms of brands, in terms of not to go all

Speaker 1 our words. Revelling you, yeah.

Speaker 6 But if you look at, you mentioned Blue Bloods, these are four. I would even say Villanova might be a Blue Blood.
I saw somebody ask you if they were a Blue Blood.

Speaker 1 New Blood is how you could refer to them, but they do also, they have the 85, you know, so they're, I always say counter to that is like Duke wasn't anyone until Coach K showed up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, I mean, you got to build your history at some point.

Speaker 6 I would take away, I would take away one drop of blue blood from Kentucky like Elizabeth Holmes, and I'm giving it to Villanova.

Speaker 1 Biggest losers are definitely Kentucky, Indiana, UCLA, the Blue Bloods that didn't get invited to the Blue Blood party, and a special terrible, terrible weekend. If you are an NC State fan,

Speaker 1 go abroad. Go somewhere where your cell phone doesn't work.
Do not watch these games. I feel terrible for you.
I don't know.

Speaker 6 I mean, NC State, I think NC State fans know who they are in basketball. It's like this is.
We had Jimmy V.

Speaker 1 But this is a disaster. I mean, this is their big brothers are about to clash on the main stage.

Speaker 1 We're going to have a fucking five-day suck of Coach K's penis, and then we're going to have Carolina versus Duke. NC State fans, my heart goes out to you.

Speaker 6 It would almost be worse if it was a year where it was like where Wake Forest was really good. Then you're just surrounded by people kicking your ass non-stop.

Speaker 4 At least they had that college baseball run last year.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and they're probably going to have a player get drafted to stop. That's so mean.
That's so mean.

Speaker 6 Oh, I just realized what Hank did there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the COVID fucked him. They were the best team in the country.

Speaker 6 That's so mean. That's fucked, Hank.

Speaker 1 That's a dookie for you, though.

Speaker 1 They thumb their nose at everyone else, the state school.

Speaker 6 Yeah, exactly. It's like, okay, safety school.

Speaker 6 Hank could have gotten there with his eyes closed. Yeah,

Speaker 1 Hank got a full academic scholarship to NC State, turned it down.

Speaker 6 I do think, though, that

Speaker 6 if UNC, and it's interesting, like everyone's going to say, oh, these two teams have never played before in the NCAA tournament. Have you heard that one yet? Wait, what?

Speaker 6 No, that's first reported by us on Part of By Take. First time, you must credit.

Speaker 6 If you see anybody saying that this is the first time they're playing in the history of the tournament, that stat actually came from us initially.

Speaker 6 I think that we're in a position where if UNC wins, that would be an all-time vindication for Roy Williams being a better head coach than Coach K.

Speaker 6 Not only all the stats that we've laid out before you showing what Roy Williams has done since he got to Carolina at that same time period against Coach K's teams.

Speaker 6 But if Roy Williams picked the perfect time to walk away and his hand-chosen successor beat Coach K, who stuck around for a year-long suck fest only to have the most talented team in college basketball that ended up losing to Roy Williams' hand-picked successor after he walked away with no retirement suck fest, I think that's another feather in the cap for Roy.

Speaker 1 He also though has, it could go the other way for him. UNC could lose and Kansas could win it all.

Speaker 1 And then Bill Self, he already has a better resume at Kansas than Roy Williams did, but it would be like a total dunk on of his resume at Kansas versus Roy Williams.

Speaker 6 I'd be fine with that. Yeah, he was a better Kansas coach than Roy Williams.
He was Roy Williams was better in the state of North Carolina than Coach K.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 you know, this is going to be... On a personal level, this is, I would imagine, the biggest game of my life where neither of my teams have anything to do with it.
I was trying to think about it.

Speaker 1 Like, obviously, a big Packers playoff game or LeBron in the finals, but this is

Speaker 1 it's everything you love about sports because I, like, if UNC wins, it will be one of the best nights ever. Again, without my team involved.
If Duke wins, it couldn't be more of a storybook

Speaker 1 ride for Coach K. He's already, I've already admitted some defeat because getting to the final four is like his farewell tour has worked.

Speaker 1 And I also just want to say, Hank, I feel for Coach K at this point in the farewell tour.

Speaker 1 He had a quote on Wednesday where he said, it wears on you a little bit because everywhere you walk, everyone is taking a picture of you and they're watching everything.

Speaker 1 And I just like, this poor guy, everyone's trying to take a picture of him on this tour that he announced 10 months ago. I never saw this come.

Speaker 6 That was never the idea. Never.

Speaker 1 Ever. It was all about the players all the time.
So Coach K living in a fishbowl here.

Speaker 1 Again, after announcing his retirement tour 10 months ago and then making everyone suck him off for 10 months straight, I feel bad for him. His penis is probably tired, Hank.
He's been sucked dry.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And he's still got five more.

Speaker 4 There's only so much you can produce.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 this is monumental. I am very, very nervous for this weekend because it's all, I spent all day Saturday.

Speaker 1 I actually made myself.

Speaker 4 Maybe my favorite,

Speaker 4 the best Twitter Big Cat's ever performance has ever had.

Speaker 1 I made my son.

Speaker 4 Me finished Saturday. It was like porn.

Speaker 1 I made myself sick. I made myself sick on Saturday.

Speaker 6 Were you Durham Dan?

Speaker 1 I was. I was Dookie Dan.
I ended up Saturday night having a splitting headache because I spent all day Saturday looking up obscure Coach Kfax and tweeting about how he was already in the Final Four.

Speaker 1 I even had Quiggs and Memes work up a Photoshop that I pretended that Duke deleted a tweet and everyone thought it was real. So I had to actually be like, yo, wait, this isn't real.

Speaker 6 Wait, what tweet was it?

Speaker 1 It was congrats on your 13th Final Four from the Duke men's basketball. But like they accidentally tweeted that ahead of time.

Speaker 1 Right before the game, I was like, okay, I spent all day trying to jinx Duke. And then right before the game, I tweeted it.
It was like, guys, I'm a little nervous that Duke just jinxed this.

Speaker 1 And everyone took it as real and was like, NCAA rigged.

Speaker 1 You're telling me this isn't already set?

Speaker 6 Did you get reported for misinformation?

Speaker 1 I don't know, but I know.

Speaker 6 This account has been flagged.

Speaker 1 I know that I looked at the quote tweets after like 10 minutes and everyone was like, this shit is so rigged.

Speaker 1 they already know they're in the final four that would have been that would have been very funny if big cat and the babylon bee were the two people out there fighting to get back onto twitter i it was yeah so it's it's it's been a hellacious time i don't know i'm getting dunked on by grayson allen on thursday night which i there's an extra special like thing that sucks that happens is when i get dunked on and i retweet it because you know i deserve to get dunked on i went game of the year on texas tech it didn't work out i i always will eat my humble pie when it when things blow up in my face, but I retweeted it.

Speaker 1 And then, like, two seconds later, I see Henry Lockwood retweeted it because he saw me retweet it.

Speaker 6 But it was a different, it was a retweet that was not in the spirit of good fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and he saw me retweet it. So he then spite retweeted in my face.
No, it was a great, it was like, thank you for bringing this to my attention.

Speaker 6 What you did was, what you did was targeted harassment.

Speaker 1 Correct. No.
Yeah, no, yeah, that's exactly.

Speaker 6 When Big Cat did it, it was like, oh, I can joke about myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like I was like, it's like you do.

Speaker 4 And it's like, you know, we're in a sports podcast when he's major.

Speaker 1 Is Big Cats are

Speaker 6 Is he the first person that has ever been dunked on by Grayson Allen?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 he's thrown down.

Speaker 4 The other one yesterday that it came out of Spider, came out of this joking phrase, but the bear, Chris Falica, replied to one of your tweets

Speaker 4 talking about how they're going to win, go to the Final Four already before the game. He said, today they will beat Arkansas, which beat them in 1994 title game.

Speaker 4 He will avenge lost to UNC in final game of Cameron, and then he will beat Kansas in title game. Okay.
Wins his last game in last title versus the same team he beat for his first title game.

Speaker 6 It is laid out like a storybook.

Speaker 1 But let me also say I almost cried. It's kind of crazy.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 NCAA reduced. That is crazy because fucking Coach K has been coaching for 200 fucking years.
Of course he's played every team in the tournament. The guy won't fucking give up a job just like he did.

Speaker 1 Three in a row.

Speaker 4 Three in a row is beautiful. A team that you lost to,

Speaker 1 a team that you lost to in the championship.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, I guess that too. Who do they beat in the

Speaker 6 Fullerton? Yeah, Fullerton.

Speaker 6 There's

Speaker 6 find me that storyline out there that somehow connects Coach K to Cal State Fullerton? I mean,

Speaker 4 Jake's going to talk about running out of loads.

Speaker 1 He's going to come

Speaker 1 every single time. Did you see some of the connections I made last night?

Speaker 6 I do want to see, though, Jake, that'll be a good project for you. Figure out, because that's going to be the missing piece.

Speaker 6 Somebody will be able to connect a dot on every single one of Coach K's victories this March Madness, except Fullerton.

Speaker 1 So if you have that extra look on it, PFT, I did this as a joke yesterday, and I made myself so fucking sick doing it because I found some insane stats. So, Coach, I don't know why I'm repeating this.

Speaker 1 It's again, it makes me want to fucking jump in front of a bus. But Coach K,

Speaker 1 the site that has held the most Final Fours in his career since he's been at Duke is the Superdome. Yet he never has been to a Final Four in the Superdome.

Speaker 1 He even had a stretch where he went to seven out of nine Final Fours. The two that he didn't go during that stretch were in the Superdome.

Speaker 1 And one of them was won by Bobby Knight his mentor. The other was won by Dean Smith in UNC in 93.
Wow. Also,

Speaker 1 the one that made me really sick is he has made the Final Four from every region except the West. He finally did that last night.

Speaker 6 He completed the perfect bracket. Even though he wanted to be in the Midwest.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 All these stats. He beats John Wooden with the most Final Fours.
It's just, it's sickening. And there's a documentary camera.

Speaker 1 But again, this is what is great about sports because Saturday night is nuts on the table. Lungs, liver, stomach, heart, brain, everything is on the table for this game.
It's Duke Carolina.

Speaker 1 Have they ever met in the tournament?

Speaker 6 Let me look it up. No, they actually haven't.
So despite the fact that they've combined for 36 Final Fours, they've never met in the NCAA tournament.

Speaker 6 Off the top of my head, I think Kentucky and Marquette have met the most with 10. Wow.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's everything is in there. Everything is in there.
Like, if UNC wins this game, it will be devastation for Duke.

Speaker 1 And if Duke wins this game, it will be like the loss, his last loss in Cameron doesn't count. I know this.

Speaker 1 And the worst part is, like, on a purely basketball standpoint, Duke's playing fucking unbelievable. Like, I'll admit it.
They are playing lights out basketball.

Speaker 1 They are so goddamn good on the offensive side of the ball.

Speaker 1 And like everyone that they needed, because I've unfortunately spent enough time around Hank and Rico and Marty that I know all the players on Duke.

Speaker 1 Like all the guys they were complaining about in January are playing their balls off now. No, they're a fun team.

Speaker 6 Like, I don't know shit about college basketball. They're not fun.
And from when I started watching them, the first game, I actually saw them that tip-off game against Kentucky.

Speaker 6 I checked in with Duke a few times over the course of the year. They seem like they have the best team.

Speaker 6 When everybody's like, when you have Bancaro, Roach, and Kiels all playing well at the same time, I don't think.

Speaker 1 And Roach is the one that's going to be a little bit more. I don't think that you can stop them.
They hated Roach in January. They thought Mark Williams couldn't do anything in January.

Speaker 1 Mark Williams is awesome.

Speaker 6 Now these guys are like all-stars.

Speaker 1 Oh, also, I just thought of this. I popped in my head because you mentioned that first game.
Didn't Kentucky win that game? Did they beat Duke? No, Duke won. No, Duke won.

Speaker 1 I know Kentucky kicked the shit out of Kansas, so that's got to hurt to know that you beat the fuck out of a team that is in the Final Four.

Speaker 6 I will also be claiming this Duke National Championship on behalf of Northern Virginia because they have two guys. that went to school at Chantilly.
Hell yeah. Like right down the street.

Speaker 6 This is a Nova championship.

Speaker 1 And actually, you know what?

Speaker 6 Think about this, Baguette. If they beat UNC, they get to the championship game, wouldn't it be sweeter to see Coach K go out losing in the national champions on the biggest possible stage?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. That would be awesome.
But again, I'm running out of time. I've done everything.
I went game of the year on his ass. I went fucking reverse and Dookie Dan on his ass all day.

Speaker 1 Made me want to kill myself.

Speaker 1 Now I'm going to put him in the CLP. I'm running out of bullets.
I don't know what else to do.

Speaker 1 It's going to happen. I've kind of come to terms with the fact that, like,

Speaker 1 it's probably going to happen. And we'll leave the room.

Speaker 1 No, it's going to make me so, so, a part of me will die. A part of me will die when Coach K

Speaker 1 cuts down the nets one last time and I have to watch it and I'm just like, how could, and then they're going to put out the documentary and I'm going to watch the documentary because I have to.

Speaker 1 Because I have to find the points when he's being an egomaniac and a piece of shit and clip that post.

Speaker 6 So you don't think he's going to be the one that has final cut of that?

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I don't think he knows how fucking ridiculous he is when he's like, I'm just sick of everyone taking pictures of me and making this about me. Like, he has no self-awareness.
No,

Speaker 6 I hope they include the part where he told Paolo Bancara to shut up last night on the court. That was something.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He came out there.

Speaker 6 He was just like, this is the goat right here. Which, by the way, I still think John Wooden is a goat.

Speaker 6 He cheated, but so did Coach Campbell. Everybody cheated.
Yes. Oh, by the way, I figured out why I say Wooten.
I was watching the games with my dad last night. We were talking about the best coaches.

Speaker 6 He incessantly refers to John Wooden as John Wooten. Yeah.
Which is, I guess that's like a regional dialect that I picked up from him.

Speaker 1 Just the region just being your home? Yeah, no, it's

Speaker 6 as Bruce Salon would say,

Speaker 6 the McLean accent that he's got that throws off. But yeah,

Speaker 6 Paolo Banquiro is on the court being like, this is the goat. And Coach K, what does he say? He doesn't say, oh, thanks.
That's so nice. Or this is my favorite player.
No, Paolo, you're the GOAT. Yeah.

Speaker 6 No, he says, shut the fuck up and get off the camera.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up. Go get another vodka soda.
Yeah.

Speaker 7 I have the Cal State-Fullerton potential connection.

Speaker 7 It was their first time ever playing each other, but on the date they played each other, Mike Traszewski was introduced as Duke's head coach on that date in 1980.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
Wait, that was when?

Speaker 7 When they played Caliste Fullerton.

Speaker 1 Was the last time? Wait, oh, that's it. That was a damned dude.
Got it. Got it.
Got it. Got it.

Speaker 1 That Superdome stat was crazy. Yeah.
It fucking makes me so sick.

Speaker 6 I got to do some research on the Superdome and figure out exactly what the...

Speaker 6 what the play is going to be for the over-unders in these final four games.

Speaker 6 Some football stadiums are good for points. Some are really bad for points.

Speaker 1 Well, over-unders are on, the unders are on an 11-1 streak right now in the Sweet 16 Elite Eight. So that was this Elite Eight was exactly why I said this to start the tournament.

Speaker 1 I want upsets early, favorites late. And I'm not even going to blame the great run by St.
Peter's or the great run by Miami or even like Arkansas who stunned Gonzaga.

Speaker 1 I'm going to blame the guys who lost. Gonzaga, like, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Kentucky, fuck you. Auburn, fuck you.
Like, you guys ruined the Elite Eight for everyone else.

Speaker 6 Tennessee, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you ruined it for everyone else. So St.
Peter's, that was, we all knew it was going to end. When it was going to end, it was going to end very badly.

Speaker 1 And that was, I mean, it was never even close.

Speaker 6 We always say, like, if a team pulls off that upset, 99 times out of 100, UNC wins this game. Yeah, this was one of the 99 times.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and also.

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 no one hated that game more than Matt Painter. Because he was watching that game being like, wait,

Speaker 1 this wasn't,

Speaker 1 what's happening here?

Speaker 6 I thought this team was really good what a bad job he did that purdue did against them like you have you've got them outsized you've got them you've got one of the best players in the entire country and then you just show up and you get dominated by guys that probably position to position you were probably four to five inches short of them yeah across the board yeah that was a really bad game plan that they had also st.

Speaker 1 Peter's hit a lot of good shots in that game but the uh the the slipper is off of the peacocks yeah and i we should we should at least mention because i i think unfortunately for nova and kansas fans they're basically in the back seat for this Final Four, even though they are Blue Bloods and have

Speaker 1 incredible history, basketball history, and fans and everything. But

Speaker 1 this is not going to be about them.

Speaker 1 Like, trigger warning, it's not going to be about you for the next five days, six days. But Villanova, terrible that Moore got hurt.
They are the most consistent team in the country.

Speaker 1 Like, they just, everyone had Houston. Everyone had Houston.
And it's like, oh, okay. Villanova's getting points.

Speaker 1 That game was very difficult to watch, but that's Villanova just does it. How soon?

Speaker 6 How soon do you think until we see Nick Siriani showing up with a Villanova shirt?

Speaker 6 He's probably getting like a big V tattooed on his arm.

Speaker 1 He's definitely got it. And then Kansas, like they deserve all the credit because they had the softest bracket, but guess what? They took care of business.
That second half, they skull fucked Miami.

Speaker 1 And I feel bad for Miami because they were, they did win the game of the year on Friday night, but they, that was just like, oh, okay, yeah, Kansas is really, really, really good.

Speaker 1 And Bill Self, credit to Kansas for having the situational awareness in the locker room after no one does the water on Bill Self's hair because he's got a toupee. So that's very smart.

Speaker 6 It is like a pretty good toupee as far as toupees go.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but somebody that spends that much time in front of a camera, especially with like the high angles that they have that point down on coaches, you can always tell like probably five years before a college football coach is actually going bald.

Speaker 6 You can start, you can spot it from those angles. But his toupee is, it's a good one,

Speaker 6 but I feel like he also has to change the color of it once every like month or so. Yeah, right ahead of the FBI.
The rest of the hair is like going slightly gray.

Speaker 6 So he has to almost reverse just for men the toupee.

Speaker 1 But it is very funny because I noticed that and I was like, oh yeah, I bet you if this toupee gets wet, it won't get wet. And people were like, hey, why is this guy's hair not wet? Yeah.
Like,

Speaker 1 it just, it wicks off like fucking astro turf.

Speaker 6 He would look hilarious if he just went full bald. If he had like the horseshoe horseshoe I'm talking, like, he just took the toupee off.

Speaker 6 I don't remember like ever seeing kind of a frumpy, just straight-up bald dude coaching a successful men's basketball team.

Speaker 1 Well, I guess Raja wasn't frumpy. He was just a hoss.

Speaker 7 I have some little nuggets related to your guys over. You don't know what you're going to take yet.
2012, Superdome, New Orleans, semifinals, 130, 126 championship, 126.

Speaker 1 That was, was that 35-second, though? What? 35-second chat clock. Oh, yeah.
Okay, so we're going to

Speaker 1 go scoring. Yeah, but that's around where totals were when it was 35-second shot clock.
Fair, yeah.

Speaker 7 But those are all probably under numbers.

Speaker 1 Possibly. I'll look into it.

Speaker 6 What awesome alumni do you think we're going to see down there? Do you think we can get Mark Mangino in Kansas?

Speaker 1 Whoa, Mark Mangino. But what about, I mean,

Speaker 1 everyone's got to be. Marty Mush?

Speaker 1 Henry Lockwood. You got the fucking best.
Seinfeld.

Speaker 1 Seinfeld, Adam Silver, Kevin Hart.

Speaker 1 What team will Kevin Hart go? Jason Garrett?

Speaker 6 That's a big question. Kevin Hart's going to be able to get

Speaker 6 a lot of choices. Whatever team pays him the most money.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I could see Kevin Hart showing up in any of the four colors.

Speaker 6 I could see J.B. Smooth showing up.

Speaker 4 I think it's going to be a star-studded weekend.

Speaker 1 Yeah, MJ will be there, but he's definitely going to just show up right before Tip and

Speaker 1 helicopter to his seat out.

Speaker 6 Do you think MJ goes out and parties in New Orleans? I feel like he's got probably a steakhouse or a bar that he owns and everything.

Speaker 4 He's still sitting there.

Speaker 1 There's a casino. There is low-key,

Speaker 4 like low-key beef with MJ and Carolina, too.

Speaker 1 But he was there for the.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, the ceiling is the roof.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and he was also there for the finals when Villanova hit the shot.

Speaker 1 JJ Reddick already said that he's going to be there, and he's tweeted he's going to be insufferable this week. I don't know why that's a change from how he usually is.

Speaker 3 I love JJ.

Speaker 1 I have to. I hate him right now.
But it's athlete.

Speaker 7 Zion's going to be back in the mix big time because he's in New Orleans.

Speaker 1 He's in the city. He's hosting it.

Speaker 6 Wait, do we know where he is, though? Because even his teammates don't know where he's at. Last Last I saw from Zion, he was practicing basketball on a court that had trample.

Speaker 6 It was basically a slam ball court. If you watch the video, either he's so big that he makes the wood bend underneath him, or he's practicing on mini tramps to show people he can still dunk.

Speaker 1 It would be funny if he came out and like, I know there's no coin toss, but if it was just like a pancake or something like that, Zion's just eating. It's his city.
People love him in New Orleans.

Speaker 6 You think Jameis is going to be there?

Speaker 1 No, he's training.

Speaker 6 Yeah, his comeback season.

Speaker 1 Definitely. His big-time comeback season.
I'm trying to think who else. Paul Rudd, possibly.

Speaker 6 He's usually in the mix for sure.

Speaker 1 What's his name?

Speaker 1 Other guy?

Speaker 1 Rob Lowe. Rob Riggle? Yep.
Will be there.

Speaker 1 Kirk Heinrich.

Speaker 1 Captain Kirk. I would love to get a picture of Captain Kirk.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it should be Caleb Presley. No.
No? No. Oh, I feel like that's a good thing.

Speaker 4 I feel like that's going to change, but as of tonight, it was a no.

Speaker 6 Yeah, Mitch. Mitch should be there.

Speaker 6 be there.

Speaker 6 Not only is he a UNC guy, but he has an enormous track record of success in that building. I believe that's where he won the MVP.

Speaker 1 It is. That's the MVP.

Speaker 6 The MVP is in the building.

Speaker 1 Yeah, MVP Mitch.

Speaker 1 I'm excited, though. This is.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Jake, you were saying some people said this is a boring Final Four.
I think this is one of the

Speaker 1 exciting Final Fours.

Speaker 7 It's a journalist's dream.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's boring. Yeah, it's boring.
I would say a fan's dream as well because it's, I mean, all the storylines. And I, especially, fuck you.

Speaker 1 There's a group of people out there that I've noticed who are like, I don't like Duke, but you got to admit this is really cool. No.
I fucking hate those people. No, I do not.

Speaker 1 They're like, I don't like Duke, but something about Coach K going out the right way has me like feeling some way. Okay.
No, dude, shut up. Then you like Duke.
You like Duke. No, any sports fan.

Speaker 1 I think any rational thinking person who is a fan of sports,

Speaker 4 a fan of greatness, would would feel the same way. Unless you have a personal vendetta against Coach K or Duke, which everyone is doing.

Speaker 1 There's no reason why you shouldn't.

Speaker 4 Yeah, probably because he beat all their teams. No.

Speaker 1 There's no reason why, as a Duke neutral sports fan, you don't look at this story and be like, that's awesome. All right.
Duke is binary.

Speaker 1 Duke is, if you don't have an opinion about Duke, I don't trust you as a sports fan. Either you love Duke or you hate them.
You can't be like, I don't know. I never really had an opinion about Duke.

Speaker 6 I do think, though, that this is, it's good for the conversation around it.

Speaker 6 It's exciting in the sense that everybody feels some type of way about this game that's about to happen. Yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 6 So exciting is one thing, but it's not being like, you know, as somebody who's not a Duke fan, I'm not like pumped that Duke's going to be there. No.
I'm excited to talk about Duke being there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 6 And I'm excited for like all the trappings that go around it and getting to make fun of Duke.

Speaker 6 hopefully watch Duke lose there. But that doesn't mean that I'm like, you know what?

Speaker 6 I can put aside my emotion and just say this is making for excellent cops.

Speaker 1 Dude, that actually is happening right now. And I just want to give a mini speech to all of the Duke haters out there that we've, listen, you've been tortured.

Speaker 1 This guy has tortured college basketball for 40 years. He's made it all about himself.
He's won all these titles. He's gone to 13 Final Fours.

Speaker 1 He's basically just sucked up all the oxygen of college basketball. Don't let up now.

Speaker 1 We're right there. We're at the finish line.

Speaker 1 We have to close ranks. We have to have each other's back.
If you hate Duke, continue to hate Duke.

Speaker 1 Do Do not, like, just because fucking Mick Mickey Shyszewski shows up looking kind of hot, don't be like, oh, Coach K, I'm feeling some kind of way about this guy.

Speaker 6 Add that to the list, Hank.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's definitely on the list. That's fine.

Speaker 1 I did have one guy being like, I could never imagine during Dookie Dan on Saturday, some guy was like, Coach K is one of those guys. I could never imagine having sex.

Speaker 1 And I just, I almost threw up, as I was typing it, I threw it up. I was like, are you kidding me, dude? Mike K fucks like a stallion.
And I was like, I can't believe I tweeted this.

Speaker 1 I i retweeted that one too yeah i don't i don't think he he doesn't fuck he makes love but but let's just let's just stay focused don't let anyone there's gonna be stories written about like i never really liked duke but you gotta admit this is really cool for coach k and like wouldn't this be sweet no it would not if you have that moment for like one second slap yourself in the face and realize that he will have this over us forever And we'll have to watch a documentary and Duke fans will get to talk about how it was the greatest thing ever.

Speaker 1 Duke fans have never gotten to go to New Orleans. Like,

Speaker 1 they haven't gone to New Orleans.

Speaker 1 And they shouldn't be allowed. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 6 I don't think that Duke alumni are cool enough to be in New Orleans.

Speaker 1 Do we need a lawyer this weekend?

Speaker 6 Yeah, maybe they represent Tulane, like a Tulane kid that gets arrested for

Speaker 6 drunk driving his car down Bourbon Street.

Speaker 1 I feel really bad for bouncers on Bourbon Street this weekend because they're going to get a lot. I'm a lawyer.
My dad's a lawyer. Don't put your hands on me.

Speaker 6 Yeah, don't get into a fight on Bourbon Street. Not for the usual reasons that you'll get your ass kicked, but because you will face a tremendous lawsuit that will bankrupt you and your family.

Speaker 1 I remember when on in 2015, I was talking to a bartender and they're like, if Duke wins, we're making like a fraction of what we should be making on a final four weekend.

Speaker 1 Because like no one from Duke's going to party.

Speaker 6 Yeah. So you know how when Clemson goes out

Speaker 6 and their families go to different away games and they bring $2 bills with them and they put you $2 billion.

Speaker 6 So that way they can show the impact that they're having on the local community. That's a real thing that Clemson does.
Yes.

Speaker 6 Duke is going to be like that, except they're just going to have a bunch of business cards that they put into every single tip container.

Speaker 1 And cease into NDAs.

Speaker 6 This is better than a tip.

Speaker 1 Just passing out NDAs to people on Bourbon Street.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's going to be rough.

Speaker 1 Keep the hate.

Speaker 1 Let the hate fuel you.

Speaker 6 Another thing to add to the NCAA rigged pile,

Speaker 6 a first-year head coach has never won a national championship. Wow.
Who is he playing against?

Speaker 1 Kevin Ollie was not first year?

Speaker 6 I don't think so. I think he might have been.
It also might have been an old article that I read earlier today.

Speaker 1 That would be great. It's articles.
Like 2010.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it could have been.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I can't remember.
I know he won very quickly after Jim Calhoun left. But how awesome was one or something? How awesome would it be?

Speaker 7 2012 to 2018. Okay, so it was 2014.

Speaker 6 How awesome would it be if Coach K got beat by a guy named Hubert?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I love Hubert.

Speaker 6 Hubert is such a cool name.

Speaker 1 Some podcasts put him on the hot seat this year.

Speaker 7 Not us. I mean, I'll represent the team, but it was an individual.

Speaker 7 So if you want to go down that road,

Speaker 1 I'm excited, though. This is going to be great.

Speaker 1 It's awesome.

Speaker 1 Tony Bennett and Hubert Davis both on the hot seat by some individuals.

Speaker 7 This is what we call biting your tongue.

Speaker 1 You're going to be in the building, right?

Speaker 6 You're going to be credentials.

Speaker 1 Co-harm the credentials.

Speaker 7 I'm expecting to be on the roof, but it's going to be unbelievable.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's going to be so much fun.
Yeah. Press conferences.
You're going to be at all of them.

Speaker 6 Can you please ask a question for us?

Speaker 7 I think we can negotiate.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 7 Like nothing that would make me look embarrassing, but I can be like a little.

Speaker 1 Be like, hey, Coach K, some programs are calling you a fucking egomaniac and a piece of shit. Care to comment.
Right. Coach K.

Speaker 6 What battalion did you serve in in Vietnam?

Speaker 1 Like something along the lines of. Get off those fucking camos.

Speaker 1 Actually, we should have Billy do that. Yeah.
Something along the lines of.

Speaker 1 There are a lot of people who really, really, really, really want to see you fail. What do you have to say say to them? Oh, that would be a good one.
I like that. I would love that.

Speaker 1 Like something along the lines of the path. I would love that.

Speaker 6 We need to role play because you're going up against a Titan. Yeah.
And so you need to be able, you can't.

Speaker 1 I got Caliparry. Beginning of the season.
Yeah, but Coach K will tell you to shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Let's role play.

Speaker 6 I'll be Coach K. You be Jake Marsh.
Okay.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that kid.

Speaker 6 Was that Belcher?

Speaker 4 That kid in the back.

Speaker 7 Hey, Coach. Not going to wish him good luck.

Speaker 6 Listen, let me tell you something about how to phrase a question.

Speaker 7 I could introduce myself as a student media member and see if I get a different treatment.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're not. Yeah,

Speaker 1 he'll fucking have you killed.

Speaker 6 He'd write that out in a second.

Speaker 1 Ask him, you know what? If you could ask any question, I would like you to ask, hey, Coach Kay,

Speaker 1 unassailable legacy, Hall of Famer, greatest coach of all time, could you at least dedicate this final four to Pete Godette and see what he would say? That would be nice.

Speaker 7 I think the first one's more realistic.

Speaker 1 Ah, come on,

Speaker 1 it'd be great if he was like at the end.

Speaker 1 Maybe that would actually be the one thing that would make me feel 1% less hate if he was like, if he won it and cut down the nets, he's like,

Speaker 1 and really, who should have been here is Pete Godette because I fucking screwed that guy over and ruined his career.

Speaker 6 He should at least give a portion of the net or share a title with him.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And if he loses you know that if he loses, it's just going to be a, it's going to be like Duke's plane and hotel bill sent to Pete's

Speaker 1 house.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that question that I pose is more of like a Friday afternoon media day question than post-game. Because post-game, you're really walking on eggshells, especially if they lose.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 7 If they win, maybe.

Speaker 1 No, if they lose, I want you to go all in. That's the thing.
Yeah. I want you to go all in.

Speaker 7 Be like, Coach K. His final press coach.

Speaker 1 If he lost to UNC, be like, Coach K, many people are saying that this completely ruins your entire legacy and all of your losses. are now magnified even more.
Care to comment?

Speaker 1 We'll see. All right.
Flight by the way. We have all weeks to talk about.
We'll work it out. I'm excited.
We'll work it out.

Speaker 8 Fortunate.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's going to be great.
It's going to be a great Final Four.

Speaker 6 This is a Final Four that is just dreamt up in a journalist's wet dream.

Speaker 1 Watch it beyond.

Speaker 1 God, I hope you saw the whole week.

Speaker 6 You know what, though? This is like in the playoffs. Remember the first week of the NFL playoffs this year? That sucked? Yes.
That's what today was. That's what yesterday was for us.

Speaker 6 That just means that the next round of games are going to be fucking awesome.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, these are the four teams that are playing the best. You can't argue against it.
I saw people saying, like, oh, UNC, they're the eighth seed. They were on the bubble.

Speaker 1 UNC beat two teams from the Final Four last year. They beat the national championship.
And the other two games, they won by 52 combined points. They're bawling right now.
Yes. Please, UNC.

Speaker 6 I need you, UNC. I mean, I'm telling you, it would be the perfect storybook ending for every Duke hater in the world if UNC took him out twice at Coach K Suck Fest Night.
I'd be so happy.

Speaker 6 Coach K Suck Fest Night, Volume 2.

Speaker 1 It would be, oh my God, what a night. Hank, drinks on me if that happens for the rest of the night.
Awesome. Yeah, we'll have such a great time.

Speaker 1 If you're going to the game, I don't know if you're going. We'll see.
We'll see.

Speaker 4 Shout out to Game Time.

Speaker 1 Yes. Maybe they'll help it out.
Game Time will get us all in the building. Just depends on where we'll be sitting.

Speaker 9 Okay, emergency breaking news. We had finished the podcast.
We were all home. We are all home.
And Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars.

Speaker 9 And I think it at least got the job done that we all tuned into the Oscars. I guess we should start.
Are we all team real? Well, why wait, can you explain to maybe people who probably also,

Speaker 9 yes, for people who did not watch the Oscars, Chris Rock made a joke about Jada Pinkett, Will Smith's wife. Uh, he made a joke that he is looking forward to Jada Pinkett being in G.I.
Jane 2.

Speaker 9 Jada Pinkett has alopecia. She's talked about it.
She can't grow hair on her head, so she's bald. So it was the G.I.
Jane Maureen joke, whatever.

Speaker 9 Will Smith laughed, then looked at Jada Pinkett, big wife guy energy, saw his wife being like, no, that's not funny, stood up, walked up to Chris Rock, open hands, slapped him in the face, went back to his seat, and then screamed, keep my wife's name out of your mouth twice.

Speaker 9 And now everyone's deciding whether it's real or fake. Go ahead, PFT.

Speaker 10 Okay, so I think that we can see it both ways. We still have to learn for some facts to come out here.
I personally am team real.

Speaker 9 I think it's very real.

Speaker 10 But if you were to make the argument that's team fake, there are some things that line up for that, right? One, it's the Oscars.

Speaker 10 They're literally the best actors in the world in that room, Chris Rock included.

Speaker 10 Their ratings have been lower than probably they've ever been in the past. So they need a little bit of a goose.
It's like a little

Speaker 10 WWE energy.

Speaker 10 Item number three, Chris Rock weighs like 70 pounds and he kept his pivot foot. If you watch the slap, his body just moves.
His pivot foot stays down.

Speaker 10 So that you could make the argument that, yes, it's just engineered for people to tune in.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 Can I throw some reels out there?

Speaker 10 Well, I've got, no, I think it's real. So the reel is like, I think a lot of us have probably been.

Speaker 10 in a position next to what what will smith is dealing with he's like laughing okay good joke good joke you got me good he looks over he sees his wife She did not think it was a good joke.

Speaker 10 She was very upset. And Will Smith also had to sit through some jokes about their open marriage at the start of the show, too.

Speaker 10 And he's like, fuck, if I don't do anything, she's definitely going to cheat on me again. Like Will Smith has the cuck energy of always having that chip on his shoulder.

Speaker 10 So he's like, I got to get up and I got to hit him. I got to be, like you said, a good wife guy.

Speaker 10 And I also think he would have done a much better job acting if it was fake instead of like sitting down and looking flustered afterwards.

Speaker 9 Also, Will Smith's a crazy person and Jada Pinkett Smith's a crazy person.

Speaker 9 I'm pretty sure they're Scientologists or at least enough that they've had to like openly deny being Scientologists at multiple times in their career, which like if you have to say, I'm not a Scientologist, you're a Scientologist.

Speaker 9 That's the test right there. You definitely are a Scientologist.
I also think like Will Smith, like he just lost it. He lost his cool.

Speaker 9 His speech, the best part about it, if you didn't watch the Oscars, Will Smith was the favorite to win best actor. He wins best actor.
He goes up and gives a speech where he's like, pretty much like,

Speaker 9 yeah, so Rick Richard Williams, Serena and Venus's dad, he protected his family. Love will make you do crazy things.
Never actually like thanking Jada Pinkett Smith.

Speaker 9 or acknowledging that he slapped Chris Rock like over. Like he never said like, sorry, Chris Rock.

Speaker 9 He just basically did this long speech where he was like, yeah, I like, I protect my loved ones against innocuous jokes at the Oscars by comedians.

Speaker 10 Yeah. No, he's, he's doing the I'm a good husband thing.
He's trying to get laid. He's getting laid right now.
As you hear the sound of my voice, Will Smith better be having sex.

Speaker 10 Probably the best sex of his life. I think that anytime something like that happens in a public place where.

Speaker 10 two people get into a skirmish and then they're still in the room, the entire room is going to be thinking about that for the rest of the night.

Speaker 10 They had to have gotten up on stage and they had to fight. They should have fought.
Like actually had like a full-blown, let's go, let's settle.

Speaker 10 Otherwise, everyone's just going to be thinking, when are these guys going to fight?

Speaker 9 It's, it's, it's my rule of players should get to fight one fan a year. Like everyone at the Oscars, Stella's barking is going to be a very big problem in a minute here.

Speaker 9 Everyone at the, every, every actor at the Oscars gets to. gets to slap one comedian that makes a joke about their wife.
I

Speaker 9 hank, I want to hear from you. This is old school now, Stella barking in the background.
Hank is obviously, he believes everything's fake forever. So I want to hear from you while I corral Stella.

Speaker 9 I also, I see Billy putting his hand up. He's at the Oscars.
I think I want to hear Billy's thoughts because I feel like we're going to be pretty aligned and I can just hear him chomping at the bit.

Speaker 9 Yeah, so I'm at the Oscars, a quick flight,

Speaker 9 here with the people,

Speaker 11 spot live.

Speaker 12 And let me tell you, it was definitely fake.

Speaker 11 When Chris Rock took the slap, he watched Will Smith walk up to him.

Speaker 13 Like, think about this.

Speaker 11 You're hosting the Oscars.

Speaker 11 You know, if someone rushes the stage, you're going to take some sort of defensive posture, not just like because you actually think someone's going to attack you, but like, oh, someone comes up.

Speaker 11 You're like, oh, look who it is.

Speaker 13 You do something with your hands.

Speaker 11 The whole time, Chris Rock had his hands behind his back. And when he got slapped, you know, he was just totally open.

Speaker 11 Like, no one, when they're reacting to something unexpected makes any sort of just nonchalant doesn't do anything like

Speaker 10 a counterpoint billy i have a counterpoint because uh he probably didn't expect to get slapped i think it's a pretty simple explanation he saw a famous comedian actor celebrity coming up on stage probably someone that he's relatively friendly with in the past and thought oh here comes will smith the consummate showman.

Speaker 10 He's going to come up, make a joke at my expense.

Speaker 9 We'll laugh, hug each other out, and then he'll go back to his seat so that's why he might not wait he probably he probably wasn't ready to fight can i can i ask because i had to go i had to corral stella i have a i have a question for you billy so you billy and hank you both think it's fake

Speaker 9 did you guys watch the extended clip where will where chris rock was positively rattled after yeah so this is i i do come from the camp of like fake until proven real.

Speaker 9 Obviously, the Oscars thing that PFT mentioned earlier, like if, you know, the ratings are horrible, horrible, absolutely all-time low.

Speaker 9 If there's two people you want to get a buzz going, who are the two people at the top of that list? Chris Rock, Will Smith.

Speaker 9 I have to digest some more of this afterwards. And I think obviously we'll be able to see what they say afterwards.
And, you know, the people close to them will be able to confirm or deny it.

Speaker 9 But Eileen, fake, Eileen, fake.

Speaker 10 I love that in Hank's mind, the two biggest names in show business are Will Smith and Chris Rock.

Speaker 9 They both move the needle.

Speaker 9 What year year are we in right now is this if you if it was 1998 and i would be like yeah you know what hank's this is obviously hank is i mean he's shot on on this literally just one best actor in 2022 like that's pretty relevant i would say no i'm not saying he's irrelevant i'm just saying like i don't think i i think that you're being a little bit too woke on this hank no it's like who people dude the order of people i also granted full disclosure i didn't i've only seen on twitter like i haven't seen i haven't seen the i wasn't watching we could look like idiots pft i could look look like idiots by saying that it's real, but I, I, watching all the context and like seeing everything, this would be the greatest work of all time.

Speaker 9 The only people right now who are like worse online, because the people who are like, this is fake, you guys are idiots, are the people who are saying that Will Smith should go to jail, including our colleague Stephen Che, who was like, Chris Rock should press charges.

Speaker 9 I, I want anyone who actually thinks that Chris Rock should press charges to go to jail themselves. I want them to get, I want them to go to jail.
It's big time skeleton energy.

Speaker 11 Big time. Quick question.

Speaker 10 It would be the lamest thing in the history of modern media if Chris Rock were to go immediately to the police

Speaker 9 and file a report on him.

Speaker 10 I can speak for myself. I don't know if I can speak for everybody else in this podcast.
We have never once advocated for anybody to go to jail over something trivial like this.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 6 Quick, quick piece of evidence on.

Speaker 9 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Billy.

Speaker 9 I just, real quick, because I saw Jake out of the corner of my eye nodding along. Jake, you definitely think Will Smith should go to jail for this, right? No, not at all.

Speaker 9 I think it's, I think it's real if I'm the tie-breaking vote, by the way. Okay, I like it.
Go ahead, Billy.

Speaker 14 Obviously, you do, Jake.

Speaker 9 What the fuck, Hank? Your brain is riddled by the internet, Hank. You have Swiss cheese brain.

Speaker 6 That's that's true.

Speaker 11 If you go to Will Smith's TikTok, he says that him and Jada are dressed for chaos before the oscars even happened they put that on tick tock so i mean this is 100 chaos and that's just more evidence that points to it being fake um

Speaker 9 i need to everything everything is going to determine on will smith and chris rock's relationship like if there's a story that they've had beef and it's been like something that's been brewing for a while then it's real if it's like comes across like they've been friends for a long time from show business and stuff, then I'm saying fake.

Speaker 9 It is fake.

Speaker 10 Does that make sense yeah it's crazy like if it's like it could be deeper than than just tonight but if it's like they're friends and that was the only thing that set them off like there's no way if you look at the sheer physics of the situation you've got will smith played muhammad ali big guy played the best boxer of all time got up on stage slapped and it was a slap but it was like a full force slap he he had hip rotation he planted he extended Billy will tell you all about it.

Speaker 6 He was in war mode.

Speaker 10 He slapped him. Chris Rock is such a small guy that he played, he had to play a character in the longest yard that wasn't allowed to play football with Adam Sandler.

Speaker 10 So he's a small dude and he didn't even move, really. Like he ate that like a champ.
Chris Rock has a jaw of steel. Unbelievable performance by Chris Rock, if it was real.

Speaker 10 I just, I think that if you look at the emotion, the way that the two of them reacted in the immediate aftermath, and then you've got like Tyler Perry and Denzel Washington actors, dude,

Speaker 9 no, but that's the point, Hank. The immediate aftermath of Chris Rock is why I think it's real.

Speaker 9 he started like he he was shocked and then he he said it was um i think it was the oscar for best documentary by the way that person who won it like sorry dude like you're the biggest moment of your life completely stolen that sucks but he was like we're going to give out some documentaries and then he caught himself he's like we're going to give out the oscar for the best documentary like he was rattled fully rattled Big winner of the night was whoever had the nip slip right after.

Speaker 10 No one's going to talk about that.

Speaker 9 No, I didn't even see that.

Speaker 10 I just saw it on Twitter.

Speaker 9 Yep, I didn't see it.

Speaker 10 I saw it on Twitter, right?

Speaker 9 Uh, what are you gonna say, Jake?

Speaker 9 Uh, so the reason I think it's real is: did you guys see that viral video of the commercial break and then like calming him down? Yes, yes, so that wasn't on camera, that wasn't on camera, Hank.

Speaker 9 Denzel Washington and a couple other people were like, like, trying to calm down. How did you see it then? What it wasn't on the broadcast, it wasn't, it was someone in the stands had taken the video.

Speaker 9 I mean, this is, I

Speaker 9 guess, this will look stupid pft jake and i if this turns out to be fake the the problem is if it you guys can basically play it's real for or it's fake forever no i i i have said my criteria it is entirely dependent on like their relationship leading up to this night which i don't we'll find out about tomorrow i'll admit i was wrong i'll admit i was wrong also remember like Will Smith's in an open relationship with Jada Pink and Smith, right?

Speaker 9 Like they have a very, like, we've all talked about it.

Speaker 9 That I, this is like open relationships are always bullshit because of this. Like, he probably is like,

Speaker 9 well, I got it. I got to do something.
Otherwise, someone else is going to have sex with her tonight.

Speaker 10 No, that's, that's what I'm saying. He's, he is the most publicly cucked celebrity of all time.
And so you saw his face when she was talking about the entanglement thing.

Speaker 10 He was like, yeah, we both discussed about this and we both think it's a good thing that she's allowed to sleep with my friends. No, like it's, it's not.
He's upset about it.

Speaker 10 And he knows that he has to be on his A game at all times, or else somebody else is going to take it home. So he's like, okay, she's upset, then I'm upset.
There we go. I'm husband of the year.

Speaker 6 I did it, babe.

Speaker 9 Also, shout out. Um, this moment was so great because it was literally like right when I walked in my house and I got like a bunch of texts being like, was that real? Like, I, I'm the fucking,

Speaker 9 you guys probably have the same thing, like as online people and people who watch like things all the time.

Speaker 9 We're all people always like hit me up to be like, yo, is this thing that just happened real or not? It's like, how would I know? But so I get like a ton of texts being like, is that real?

Speaker 9 And I start watching it. And like, I was like, oh my God, this, I think this actually is real.
I think this is all actually going down.

Speaker 9 And I go on Twitter and Twitter is just like Twitter 1.0. Awesome.
Everyone getting their jokes off. We had like 15, 20 minutes where it was like, oh yeah, I love this app.
This is funny.

Speaker 9 Like everyone's just getting funny jokes off, retweet, like all this stuff. And then like 25 minutes after that, it's just toxic lip masculinity run rampant yet again, like

Speaker 9 super serious takes about this incident. It's like, dude, it was like, it's, it's fucking Hollywood.
It's a bunch of narcissists sitting in a room. One guy made a joke about another guy's wife.

Speaker 9 He slapped him. Can we just make some jokes about it instead of having this become like a bigger discussion in the discourse?

Speaker 10 Yeah. What Hank's doing right now, he's doing Academy Motion Picture Arts and Sciences rigged.

Speaker 10 He's like the first guy that's like, this is all fake. I stage, I can't tell whether it's for money or for ratings, but that's it.
I saw it in person. I'm out.

Speaker 9 Yeah, but no, yeah. So it's those people.
It's the people who are saying go to jail.

Speaker 9 And it's the people who are like actually having like nuanced takes about this, like being like, this is what's wrong with like the marital structure in America.

Speaker 9 And like a man thinking he has to protect like, dude, just let me just fucking tweet some gifts real quick. Come on.
Like, just give us a minute.

Speaker 9 Do it tomorrow morning on Monday morning when we're all miserable.

Speaker 10 Yeah, Billy, do you have any more takes on this? Since you are there, you're in the room.

Speaker 9 You are the room right now.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 11 So, uh, I was at the Oscars, and when I saw Denzel Washington talking to Will Smith and them all trying to calm him down, they were just asking him, Was it real?

Speaker 13 And he was like laughing, and he was like, Hey, no, it was fake.

Speaker 6 Like, we set this whole thing up, wasn't it great?

Speaker 13 And they're all laughing.

Speaker 10 So, that's what I saw. You heard that.
Did you see that or did you hear it?

Speaker 11 It's well, I heard, I heard that, saw the mouths moving.

Speaker 12 Uh, at, you know, I'm at the Oscars.

Speaker 11 So it was, it was a great time. And

Speaker 6 no, but seriously, I like, I really think, because think about it, we were talking about this during the show where we were recording.

Speaker 11 I was like, oh, the Oscars are on tonight. Like, who the hell knew? And now, you know, now we know.

Speaker 9 This is why you come to part of my take because.

Speaker 9 PFT and I have been around the block a few times. We usually have a good idea of what's real and fake.
Again, we could be very wrong.

Speaker 9 Hank, I know, I trust that Hank will do some research and try to figure it out.

Speaker 9 And then we have Billy, who is like the embodiment of 2022 internet, where it could, like, Chris Rock could press charges, Will Smith could go to jail.

Speaker 9 And Billy will still think, like, no, this is some kind of pedophile ring cover-up. And, and, and JFK Jr.
is about to be announced president.

Speaker 9 Honestly, I fall for a lot of fake stuff on the internet.

Speaker 11 And this is one of those ones where I'm just like, fake.

Speaker 9 You feel like you're ahead of the curve. I have one last question.

Speaker 9 The most important question. Memes, I don't know if you have a mic.
Memes has been on the show before. Memes, obviously, everyone knows, it runs a bunch of our social and does an incredible job.

Speaker 9 And we talk about them all the time. Memes, can you quantify what this is going to do for your life in terms of the memes that are coming out of this?

Speaker 9 Like you just got an entire new memes template a perfect memes template that you can use for anything how is how how are you feeling can you guys hear me yeah all right

Speaker 2 um i think it'll last like

Speaker 9 one more day yep

Speaker 2 and then it'll pick back up probably during nba finals

Speaker 10 yep no i think that's perfect because people that are going to be making memes out of this in like three or four days too many people have seen it so it's been it's already reached like mass exposure.

Speaker 10 So the, the countdown clock on it is finite. So like when Michael Jordan cried during his Hall of Fame acceptance speech, not a lot of people were tuned in live.
And so it had a longer tail on it.

Speaker 10 This one, it's like, okay, everyone's seeing it tonight and tomorrow. And then after that, it's going to take a big pause.
I was thinking actually.

Speaker 10 until football season, but when memes said NBA finals, he's absolutely right. The NBA finals are 100% going to be ground zero for this meme to resurrect.

Speaker 9 Yes. Yes.
All right, memes. That's why you're the best.

Speaker 9 Anything else? I mean, crazy. We don't do

Speaker 9 emergency segments for many things, but when Will Smith slaps Chris Rock at the Oscars, real or fake, here we are. We're making sure that we give you our takes instantly.

Speaker 10 We'll put another one in the it's real category because I don't think that Will Smith would do this on the night that he won his Academy Award for best actor.

Speaker 10 That seems like a pretty important night in a person's life. So I don't think that he would, he would flip out like this on that evening.
And I, yeah, it's just there's no chance.

Speaker 10 No, I'm putting it at zero. PFT Cometer gives it zero percent chance of being a Fugazi.
This was this was a real event.

Speaker 9 I'm going to put it at one percent chance of being fake, but that's solely because all of life is fake and we're all living in a simulation. If that's true, then this is part of that.

Speaker 9 And then I was right to call that part, but I'm 99%.

Speaker 10 And in that event, it's still real to me. It's still real to me, big cat.

Speaker 9 What? All right. So then,

Speaker 9 Jake, you're 100% real. 100% real.
Hank, you're 50-50.

Speaker 9 I'll give it 55% real. Okay.
Billy, you're 0% real.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I'm going 100% fake. I mean,

Speaker 9 William.

Speaker 9 I think it's real as well. Okay.
So we got a lot of reels. I guess.

Speaker 9 I was going to just mention, I think the last time we did one of these emergencies was the Brian Colangelo Callers.

Speaker 9 Yep.

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 9 I think that was the last time we did it for like a Twitter hat.

Speaker 9 So one thing I got to see Stella barking in my microphone.

Speaker 10 One thing's for sure here. I think that Chris Rock and Will Smith will definitely be hosting next year's Oscars together.
I also think that they're probably going to do like a little, like

Speaker 10 a routine together at some point. They're going to be in a commercial.
That's probably what it's going to be. They'll be in a commercial at some point this summer, squashing the beef.

Speaker 9 Also, one last thing, the sports take on this, I felt pretty bad for Venus and Serena because they looked like, what the fuck is going on?

Speaker 9 And Will Smith basically got in front of everyone and was like, yeah, I played the role of their father and that's why I'm crazy and slapped a man on live TV.

Speaker 9 It's like,

Speaker 9 okay, I guess.

Speaker 10 Cool. Also, Willow's going to have a couple bangers that come out in the next like two months.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 All right. Back to the regularly scheduled program.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's do who's back.

Speaker 6 Hey, it's PFT here, reminding you that Boar's Head makes game day entertaining elevated and effortless.

Speaker 6 Whether you order catering platters ahead from your local Boarshead retailer, or you create your own spread at home with Boarshead premium deli meats and cheeses, you are sure to impress your guests.

Speaker 6 My favorites like oven gold turkey or blazing buffalo-style chicken, paired with their classic Vermont cheddar or creamy Munster cheese, are sure to score big and help me elevate my entertainment every time, whether it's for a tailgate or a home gating celebration.

Speaker 6 Seriously, guys, it's a game-changing flavor for every gathering. Boar's head, committed to craft since 1905.

Speaker 1 All right, Hank, who's back? By the way, we're going to do Billy's spreadsheet

Speaker 1 after Bert, as well as Jake's one-shining moment, as well as Hank's decision about what he's going to do with the hottest gambling streak he's ever been on in his life.

Speaker 4 Big time. Shout out to Game of the Year.
Just kicking things off right.

Speaker 1 Well, Duke. You're welcome.
Duke, then Game of the Year. You're welcome.

Speaker 1 That

Speaker 1 both of the year. Well, no, that one didn't count because you bullied me into it.
True.

Speaker 4 My Who's Back of the Week.

Speaker 1 Cut that for me, bye-bye.

Speaker 1 Peacetimes. My Who's Back of the Week.
No, week. It is not.
It's wartime. I hate you.

Speaker 4 Well, and I would say you shouldn't have fell for my obvious trying to get you to pick against Duke.

Speaker 1 All right, cut that, please.

Speaker 4 Nick Caslianos is my Who's Back of the Week.

Speaker 1 Did you guys see this? Yeah,

Speaker 1 we had a discussion, so we'd like to hear you talk, and then we will present our side.

Speaker 4 I was going to say what happened. He's on the Phillies now.
He's in spring training.

Speaker 4 As he was in his first at batter, he's getting his first hit.

Speaker 4 The broadcast was talking about how one of the Blue Jays coaches got a DUI and was like talking about his apology, talking about the whole situation. And lo and behold, Nick Castellanos gets a single.

Speaker 6 Okay, so I think it's funny because they were actually talking, like the announcer was talking about the DUI while it happened, but we have to be protective of our Castellanos' memes because it can reach a point where a bloop single is qualifying the exact same as a bunch of people.

Speaker 1 He's got to hit a dinger.

Speaker 1 He's got to hit a home run. How often are they talking about coaches with Deweys? He's probably doing it.
First of all, he probably brought it up because Cassianos was up.

Speaker 6 True. And also Major League Baseball coaches, I'm pretty sure, that's one of the qualifications for becoming a bench coach.

Speaker 1 That's how Tony La Russo got into the Hall of Fame. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Like talking about, I think the criteria is like a fucked up situation that the announcers are are talking about, and then all of a sudden they have to talk about how it's going to be.

Speaker 6 I think the whole, you have to have a home run, and it can't be a situation where somebody like sees that he hits a home run, and then they Google

Speaker 6 any bad news story that's happened. Like, oh, wow, it looks like Putin's shelling Kiev again, and they're like, well, Castelado's did it again.

Speaker 6 You know, like, it has to be something that is tied in either.

Speaker 6 a massive trending event that happens at the same time or the announcer is talking about something that hits a home run.

Speaker 4 Well, that's why we do spring training so we can kind of get through this. Also, the spring training starts.

Speaker 4 Is he back or no?

Speaker 1 I think what we're trying to say is, like,

Speaker 1 I think it's very funny that Nick Cassianos has become this guy. I want to protect it.

Speaker 1 I want it to be like, holy shit, he's this guy. If we do it for every single, it's like everyone's going to be a protection.
As we're talking about a DUI, it was funny.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 6 It was funny, but I just want to make sure that we are protecting it.

Speaker 6 That we're keeping our meme wholesome. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, memes. Think about memes.

Speaker 4 He's too far gone.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 but memes is like...

Speaker 4 He's still in rehab, but I think he relapses like every other day.

Speaker 6 Right now, for memes, it's like if Joe Flacco throws like a three-yard button hook, I'm like, Elite.

Speaker 6 If anything, if they say Castadianos like three times in a broadcast, we can't save memes.

Speaker 4 We can just try and help the next generation coming up.

Speaker 1 It is funny when you do a lot of things. There's a lot

Speaker 1 that has been around for a while that no one remembers.

Speaker 1 I had Bo Nix was like practicing for Oregon, and I quote Trinidad. I was like, Bo Nicks having fun could be a dark horse for the Heisman.
And people are like,

Speaker 1 are you fucking high, dude? And it's like, oh, shit. Yeah, we are on the internet too much.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Remember when we had to teach memes about the Hitler downfall video with Urban Meyer?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 He was like, what is this? I've never seen this old meme.

Speaker 1 He hasn't stopped making Hitler videos since.

Speaker 6 I actually,

Speaker 6 hand up,

Speaker 6 I told him that he should do a video where you're Hitler after Coach K, After Coach K won.

Speaker 6 But then we both agree that it's probably not a great idea.

Speaker 1 I'm fine with that. Listen,

Speaker 1 here's all I'll say about that. I understand the internet.
I have a fucking arsenal in my phone right now for when Coach K eventually, hopefully, loses.

Speaker 1 So I understand that the other side is also loading up the guns and the nukes ready to bring me down.

Speaker 1 I know what's at stake here.

Speaker 6 Yeah, how about this? Memes, I know you're listening. if coach K wins a natty You have to have big cat finding out about it down in the bunker.
Yes, that's fine.

Speaker 1 I'm fine with that. I am absolutely fine with it because again I have a lot of videos that I will be just Fucking flooding the timeline with if it goes down My who's back of the week is the U.S.

Speaker 6 men's national team. Yeah, we're in the World Cup bitch suck my dick Italy.
They didn't make it. We did we just beat Panama I think five to one

Speaker 6 didn't keep the clean sheet, unfortunately. The golden generation for the U.S.
soccer team is here. I just hear people say that.
It sounds so cool when they said it up, Belgium.

Speaker 6 So I think we can officially declare because this team is young enough. I'm just going to say this is our golden generation.
This is the golden generation, and the boys are dancing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're in it. And we're going to have to play it during football season.

Speaker 6 I can't decide if it's going to be fun or if it's going to suck. I think it's going to suck.
It might be too much going on.

Speaker 1 I think we're going to get a lot of time.

Speaker 4 We're not going to fucking get out of pool play anyway, so who cares?

Speaker 1 But I think it's going to be... We always get out of pool play.

Speaker 4 We're going to go like one and two. When we make the world,

Speaker 1 fucking do.

Speaker 6 We always get out of pool. All right, so

Speaker 1 here's what we can do. We can

Speaker 1 play right now.

Speaker 1 What time will the games be? They'll be in the middle of the day. Yep.
Because I think they've got to play at night there.

Speaker 6 Well, yeah, no, it's in Qatar, which is halfway around the world.

Speaker 6 But because they have stadiums that were built with slave labor, they're not going to be able to play them during the heat of the day, which is like 120 degrees.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 6 And they promised that they would make like giant air-conditioned stadiums outdoors, which I don't know.

Speaker 6 I'm not Bob the Builder, but it seems like that's pretty unlikely to accomplish in the next like six months. Correct.
So, yeah, their games are going to be at nighttime, afternoon and night, I think.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so let's just throw this out there. It's Sunday.
We're here. We're watching games.
You say, hey, USA is about to play. You're not getting a TV.

Speaker 1 And I'll watch the games. I'll watch every other, like when football's not on, I'll be full-blown, pool of sitch, fucking go, USA.

Speaker 6 But we have to

Speaker 1 you realize that, right?

Speaker 6 I do, and I'm actually looking up the times right now. We might be wrong.
So right now it's 4.13 in Qatar in the morning.

Speaker 6 So if they play in the afternoon, like evening, that's still going to be kind of morning for us. So I think we'll be okay as long as they don't schedule us on a Sunday.

Speaker 1 If you schedule a-how many hours difference is it?

Speaker 6 It's Monday at 4.13. It's 9.13.

Speaker 1 So it's seven hours difference.

Speaker 6 Seven hours ahead. So

Speaker 1 a one o'clock kickoff. If you schedule,

Speaker 6 I want to talk to Seth Blatter personally.

Speaker 1 Literally the time.

Speaker 6 Set Blatter or whoever you have running FIFA for you, Seth Blatter. If you schedule the U.S.
soccer game on a Sunday at one o'clock, or Saturday,

Speaker 1 or Saturday,

Speaker 1 I will personally slit your throat. That is not going to happen.
Like, we're not.

Speaker 1 That is going to be a war on Twitter. I want to see all the soccer nerds come out and be like, how are you not watching this? Because the NFL's on.
Because it's week 12.

Speaker 1 That's going to piss you, right?

Speaker 1 I mean, you can't. I just want you to.
We're all on the same page, right? Maybe a laptop in the corner. Yes.
But not a TV. On a Sunday.
We have to have.

Speaker 6 On a Saturday.

Speaker 1 We have to stand for something.

Speaker 6 On a Saturday, if the U.S. is playing, I'm putting it on one of the TVs.
During college football. I'm not.
There are not six college football games that do not have a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Dude, when Temple plays UCF, I'm watching. Nope.
Better than that. Nope.
Nope. I'm rooting for the lads.

Speaker 6 Onward, the lads. Yes.

Speaker 1 That is. We are.
Lads up. Wow.
That's going to be a dilemma.

Speaker 1 All right, by whose back is LeBron. He won a a Razzie.
That was awesome. Also, Hank, explain the story, the Instagram story from the other night.

Speaker 1 Hank, you know that LeBron fucked up when Hank walked in on Saturday and came right over to me. It was like, you see what LeBron posted? It wasn't a fuck-up.
And I went to look and I couldn't find it.

Speaker 1 And he's like, oh, I screen recorded it. Don't worry.

Speaker 1 And we're like, that's

Speaker 1 what I'm saying. But it was a good moment because we're in wartimes right now, but we can always bond over our hatred for LeBron.

Speaker 4 It was just, it wasn't, it wasn't even fucked up. It was just all-time, very funny, classic LeBron.

Speaker 4 Like, you know, he's the biggest athlete in the world, probably richest athlete in the world, one of them.

Speaker 4 And he's having like an intimate dinner with his wife, and he does this Instagram story where she's like clearly pissed off that he's like recording, which is just like very relatable.

Speaker 4 And he said, Hey, fellas, remember one thing. I just, I just think this is funny because he's like clearly like drunk or something.
It's just a very classic LeBron. Hey, fellas, remember one thing.

Speaker 4 A woman will always love and vibe with a real, true player.

Speaker 1 Know the difference between player and player with a key.

Speaker 1 And then, like, I'll send it to you PFT.

Speaker 4 And then he like pans it over to his wife, and his wife just gives him, like, the, why the fuck are you recording?

Speaker 6 Well, because that's what LeBron's family has to deal with all the time.

Speaker 1 What's up?

Speaker 6 The actions of a drunk man stumbling around his own home, screaming into his phone while they're like, hey, please pay attention to me.

Speaker 6 That's amazing.

Speaker 6 How long do you think it took for LeBron to win the Razzie for him to realize that the Razzie is a bad thing? Yeah. Did he have the post ready to go?

Speaker 6 Like, man, 17-year-old LeBron would never believe this at this point?

Speaker 1 He probably is going to try to figure out a way to like convert it into points scored in the NBA so that, because that's all he's playing at this point.

Speaker 6 The all-time days for LeBron on Instagram are on his birthday when he just, if you look at his stories, I don't think it's.

Speaker 6 I think LeBron has like a special version of Instagram that allows him to post hundreds of stories of people wishing him a happy birthday on those days. Right.
I've never seen more dots on a screen.

Speaker 1 LeBron dropped 39 tonight.

Speaker 1 He did. Yeah.
And they're loser. loser.
Literally all he does is score points for the record. Have you watched it?

Speaker 1 They lost. We've talked about it.
They're looking at the Pelicans. It's awesome.
Well, anyone could lose to the Pelicans, okay?

Speaker 1 Anyone could lose the Pelicans.

Speaker 1 They're playing really good basketball right now.

Speaker 1 Bulls are in a free fall. 48 points in the fourth.
He got smoked by the Pelicans the other night.

Speaker 1 All right, Billy, your who's back.

Speaker 12 My who's back is Johnny Manzel.

Speaker 12 Johnny Manzel will be returning to the football field in the fan-controlled football league for their second season.

Speaker 12 He was on the Zappers last season and he's now on the Wild Aces.

Speaker 12 Drewski's investment in the company is what drew him in. He said that he wanted to make some content with Drewski.
I don't know if you guys know Drewski. Hilarious guy.

Speaker 12 And he's going to be back on the football field. Honestly, kind of like, it's kind of nice to see him.

Speaker 6 I know.

Speaker 1 Dude, if you tell me Johnny Manzel is playing in a football game and there's a World Cup game on, I'm watching Johnny Manzel.

Speaker 6 There are certain players that if you want

Speaker 6 your your secondary football league to succeed, if you get any combination of like Manzel, Tebow, RG3, or Colin Kaepernick playing quarterback, people will tune in and watch that shit. Yeah.

Speaker 6 So good for Johnny Menzel.

Speaker 1 I hope he plays well. I'm hyped.
And Bitcoin.

Speaker 12 Bitcoin's back.

Speaker 6 It is? Rallied hard.

Speaker 1 Let's go.

Speaker 6 Are you invested? A little bit.

Speaker 1 How's my doge looking right now?

Speaker 6 I think it's like back to like...

Speaker 4 Oh, shit, 46.

Speaker 1 Oh, let's go.

Speaker 1 Fuck all the old people think that sucks. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Tom Calicchio laughing all the way to the kitchen.

Speaker 1 There he goes.

Speaker 1 All right, Jake, your who's back. We're going to get to Billy's spreadsheet after Burnt.

Speaker 7 My who's back of the week is Fun Rules.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. So

Speaker 7 there's this team called the Savannah Bananas. It's a baseball team.
I don't think it's officially minor league, but it's still pros.

Speaker 6 Unincorporated independent minor league team.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So they had a rule.

Speaker 7 It was the first or second time ever. Banana ball rule number nine.
If a fan catches a foul ball, it's an out. And it happened and it went viral and was really cool.

Speaker 7 I feel like the majors should consider.

Speaker 6 They've got great rules.

Speaker 6 I don't know what brand of baseball they play if they invented their own rules, in which case, probably a nightmare for the visiting team.

Speaker 6 It's like you're playing against the Globetrotters, and you're like, I didn't know. Wait, that guy's got a ladder on the court.
That's crazy. But yeah, they've got all these different rules.

Speaker 6 I think the batters are in the batter's box the entire time while the pitcher's pitching. They've got all sorts of cool rules.

Speaker 1 I like them. Yeah, so this one's, if they did that to the majors, that'd be, that would change the game with home fields.
I mean, incredible.

Speaker 6 I mean, Savannah, what they're doing right now by having this team down there is they're they're next on my list of like the big bachelor party cities in the country and for a while it was like austin and nashville and charleston just shitting on everybody savanna is next savanna is a very fun city to be in it is a very fun city and um could you imagine if this like you said if this was mlb like you'd have to start like jim harbaugh would get paid by a team yeah like a million bucks cigar our stands.

Speaker 6 Yeah, pay Rangers, foul ball guy.

Speaker 1 Foul ball guy would make millions and millions of dollars. He would be on contract.
Yeah. It would be incredible.

Speaker 6 You'd be able to start him in your fantasy leagues. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 7 So, yeah, I thought that was cool.

Speaker 1 That is cool. Very cool.
Cool, rule. All right, let's get to Bert.

Speaker 1 Great interview. Back in studio.

Speaker 15 The Pro Football Football Show is presented by the Chevy Silverado. Built for the hustle, ready for the game.
Chevy Silverado is America's most dependable full-size truck.

Speaker 15 Whether you're grinding through the week or gearing up for kickoff, the Silverado is one ride that's always game ready. Just like football, it's about grit, grind, and getting it done.

Speaker 15 Head to Chevy.com to learn more and build your own Chevy Silverado.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on now recurring guests. Ah, that feels good.
Feels good. Bert Kreischer.

Speaker 1 And let me say this right now, Bert, off the top. We very rarely will have a guest on this close together.
Like we had you on at Super Bowl. We didn't run it for a couple weeks.
Sorry about that.

Speaker 1 That was probably weird for you. Like all of a sudden, you just, it pops up that you're on the show.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you immediately, immediately it came up and the thing was like, and then my daughter smoked pot. And I was like, oh, fuck.
I said that. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Like, oh, shit, I said that two weeks ago. That doesn't count.

Speaker 1 And then your name came up again and then you were in town and we're like, fuck yeah, well I'm back on. Everyone loved it.
So dude, it's serendipity because I have been watching you gamble

Speaker 1 for like the past two weeks and it is so fucking fun. It's it is so fun to watch people win money.
Yeah, or lose. It's really the losing part that people really enjoy.
No, I love when

Speaker 1 you guys were trying to get Patty to tap. Yeah.
And you're going, come on, come on. Yeah.
Come on. That's like watching porn for men.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I guess porn for men.

Speaker 1 They should match up gambling and porn at the same time somehow. I'm down for it.
It's

Speaker 1 like those live streams, they're exhausting.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you saw on Friday night, my alma mater, Wisconsin played, and they played the last, it was probably the the latest tip ever. It was like 11 p.m.

Speaker 1 So I just started getting like blackout drunk, and I was screaming. I was going to take my shirt off.
Like, those live streams just become this.

Speaker 1 You lose all sense of time and space because you're trapped. You don't even go out.
I didn't go outside for four days straight, and I'm just, you know, betting on everything.

Speaker 1 It's my favorite four days of the year. I'm happy you enjoy it, but it is chaos.
You got to come to one.

Speaker 1 I have a gambling problem, but

Speaker 1 here's my problem. What do you mean? Well,

Speaker 1 when I started making money, gambling didn't matter to me. Like, it just didn't.

Speaker 1 I couldn't find the rush, you know? Like, the rush, I remember the first time I really got the rush, I was playing poker with Daniel Tosh and a bunch of guys in Hollywood. And

Speaker 1 I had the best fucking hand, and

Speaker 1 I was sitting on it.

Speaker 1 And the feeling that you get, I didn't need alcohol, I didn't need sex, I didn't need anything, that feeling of knowing you've got the hand and your heart's racing, your hand's trembling, you're trying to hold it in.

Speaker 1 The only way I get that now, and this is going to sound so stupid, is in my kids raffles at school oh no that's not that's listen i there's nothing better than a good bingo night either yeah i dude you're talking to a guy right now who if i win you know the 50-50 raffle at a sporting event pull it up pull it up i win special olympics 50-50 raffle i'm not even joking i'm not even joking if i win a 50-50 raffle yeah wait did you you won it dude i went into a 50-50 raffle at the special olympics and i said i mean it was dumb it was the dumbest bet.

Speaker 1 I said, What's in the pot? And they were like, I think you can find the exact numbers. I think they were like $636.
I said, put me in for $636.

Speaker 1 And they're like, What? And it was the gamble. It was the game.
I ended up giving all the money to them. It was the gamble.

Speaker 1 We went to a, we had a comedy gives back is an organization, Zoe,

Speaker 1 Bud Friedman's daughter runs. And it was all comedians.
It was comedians and actors, okay? So we go in, and it's like $100 for six tickets. And so

Speaker 1 I wait till everyone's bought their tickets and then I walk over and I said,

Speaker 1 what's the action? Yeah. And they're like, what do you mean, what's the action? I said, how many prizes? What have you got in the pot? And they're like, well, we've sold 150 tickets.
I said, okay.

Speaker 1 I do the math. I'm like, put me in for $3,000.
And they're like,

Speaker 1 what? And I don't tell anyone. I just start winning.
And when I win, I get louder and more obnoxious. And all the comedians are fucking loving it.
Jim Jeffries is losing his mind.

Speaker 1 Ben Bailey, but the actors who aren't comedians are like, this isn't fair.

Speaker 1 It's a fucking raffle, asshole. I put in fucking $3,000 for this feeling.
I mean, I want an orange whip, which is a golf swing thing. I want a jacket.
I want whiskey. I want everything.
That's it.

Speaker 1 And then don't get me started. on an auction where they're bidding off trips.

Speaker 1 Because we, I just, my business manager was there, randomly enough, my business manager was there, and they auctioned off a trip to

Speaker 1 Four Seasons in Maui.

Speaker 1 It's in the quarantine. There's no one,

Speaker 1 no one's going to more Maui at all. And I start off there.
Jim Jeffrey starts off. He's like, the starting bid's

Speaker 1 $3,000. And Jim Jeffrey goes $3,000.
And real quick, I go $4,000. And then he goes, $5,000.
I go $6,000. He's like, $7,000.
And then Ben Bailey goes, $8,000. I go $9,000.
And it's going so quick.

Speaker 1 My business manager is like, hold on. And I'm starting to go, what's the math? What's it cost? So I'm going to Google four seasons real quick.
Dude, I love that. I love the reckless.

Speaker 1 That is the gambling I can get into.

Speaker 6 Yeah, so I went to the Texas State Fair one time and they do like a giant livestock auction. It's a big thing.
And it's just all these dudes, huge hats.

Speaker 6 The guy gets behind the podium and he's doing the like fast talking. He's got the real Texas draw.
They're bringing the animals out on stage.

Speaker 6 There's like giant black Angus steer that are going for, you know, $5,500, $500.

Speaker 6 I was about to bid on a cow. I don't have a place to put it.
I wanted to get involved in the auction at the time. I had like a normal-sized backyard in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 6 And I was thinking about buying these goats just because the thrill of the auctioneer talking so quickly, it's like that infectious.

Speaker 1 It's the best.

Speaker 1 You're going to think I'm lying to you. I really need someone to Google it.
I need someone to Google it. So when we were in Trip Flip, it was in my travel channel show.
We spent a day,

Speaker 1 a week. We take people on adventures of a lifetime.
and we spent a week as cowhands running buffalo across Texas. We're outside Houston, Texas.
Caddy, Houston. I think it's, no, that's not Caddy.

Speaker 1 And so we're outside Houston, Texas. So one of the things he says, I want you to take my steer into auction.
So I was like, all right. He goes, I expect 25 grand for all my steer you bring in.

Speaker 1 So we drove steer into town. And I said, I'm going to fucking knock his socks off.
The guy that runs a ranch. I said, as soon as their cattle comes out, I'm going to put in first bid.

Speaker 1 I'm going to jack it up. Whatever the first one comes out, I'm going to put in the first bid, and we're going to raise the money for it.
And then that way, I'm going to come in.

Speaker 1 Everyone will have sold just a little bit over what he's expecting because I'm going to start going back and forth with them. So they,

Speaker 1 I swear to God,

Speaker 1 it is top five hardest I've ever laughed in my life. So the first one comes out, and I go, Is that John's steer? And they're like, I'm with two other dudes.
They're like, Yeah, I go, all right.

Speaker 1 And they're like, Hey, mother, madam, John's.

Speaker 1 And I raise my hand and he goes, sold. And I went, What? There's no bidding.
You just buy buy them. And I bought a calf for $1,300.

Speaker 1 I bought a calf, a fucking full calf. I bought one of the ones I was going to sell.
I brought it back to him. And I was like, hey, man, I bought one of your calves.

Speaker 1 Is there any chance I can sell this back to you? And he was like, 800 bucks. I was like, I'll take it.
Fuck it. That's fine.
Oh, that's amazing.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, there's that videos on YouTube. And it is, as soon as I realize what I did, you see it in my eyes.
And I'm like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 And I'm, and this is, I didn't have $1,300 to spend on, no one has $1,300 to spend on cattle. Right.
You don't have cattle.

Speaker 1 The auction, though, the auctions are the, I, I once got like mildly addicted to auctions online. Of

Speaker 1 there was in Chicago, there was a

Speaker 1 grocery store chain called Dominics that was going out of business. So they were selling everything.
And I would just go on every day and try to buy like random shit, like carts, everything.

Speaker 1 Like I got, I bought a bench that I didn't need. That was just a dot.
It was sitting in the lobby of the grocery store. And I was like, yeah, but I want it.
Like, this feels cool. Yeah.
And that's it.

Speaker 1 It's just like winning something. And then, you know, a day later, you're like, wait, what? I don't need this.
What the fuck am I doing?

Speaker 1 But the rush of winning something at an auction or a raffle, there's nothing like it.

Speaker 6 I think that more places should have, should do like the 50-50 raffles.

Speaker 6 Every day in your life.

Speaker 6 Imagine if you're going into work and like the subway car. And the New York City subway has a 50-50 raffle.
If you stay on for five stops, they do a drawing.

Speaker 6 Once you're in five stops, it'd be incredible.

Speaker 1 It would be incredible. I'm not lying to you, Bert.
Like, if I won a 50-50 raffle, let's say at a hockey game, I think I would then become even for my life in terms of 50-50 raffles.

Speaker 1 Just 50-50 raffles. I buy 50-50 raffle tickets the second I walk into a stadium.
Just the second I walk. I've had guys, I had a group of guys at Wrigley who literally

Speaker 1 they knew me and they and they knew that I love 50-50 raffle. I bought tickets.
They bought the tickets right after me. I bought the tickets right after them.
They bought the tickets right after me.

Speaker 1 And they ended up winning. They won the whole fucking thing sitting right behind me.
And I've never been more upset in my life. I have a picture of them.

Speaker 1 They're like, we get a picture after celebrating in my face. But it was thrilling to go back and forth being like, no, I'm getting the next numbers.
They changed the rules to raffles at my school.

Speaker 1 At my kids' school. I was going to say, you're not your school? At my kids' school.
They made it so that every family could only buy 10 tickets. Because of you? Because of me.

Speaker 1 This is like the Burt Chrysler. This is like the Larry Bird rule.

Speaker 1 I have a joke I'm going to put in my special about it.

Speaker 1 I'm not even messing around. I would go into raffles with just stupid money and go,

Speaker 1 I have a problem with it. That, and I'll tell you the other one is that I get addicted to because I'm good at public speaking, is running for office that I don't want.

Speaker 1 I've done that. I did that.
We went, there's this woman.

Speaker 1 I'm going to use real names, so I apologize if I'm going to use real names. That was not an apology, but

Speaker 1 whatever. That was just a warning.

Speaker 1 That was the best sorry, not sorry. So there's this woman, Jennifer's, right?

Speaker 1 In our

Speaker 1 Valley Village where I live, I'm telling you everything.

Speaker 1 We don't have PTA. It's called PACE, right? That's what our PTA is.
So PACE President kind of organizes everything at the school. Isla is in fifth grade.
She's going to the middle school.

Speaker 1 We will no longer be working at this school.

Speaker 1 And they bring us in early for graduation, and it's so that we can, as parents, they get us there early so we can vote for pace president pace all the pace thing current pace president everyone is on stage i get there early and i say to lean are you fucking kidding me they they lied to us we're here for the fucking elections and she goes yeah now i had eaten the edible the night before and that i had over medicated myself and so i still feel it so i said well who's running and they go through the thing and then and then and there everyone's dressed up and she goes jenna schwartz is running for uh president and she's not dressed up she's in workout clothes and i said why isn't she dressed up lean Leanne's goes, she's running on a post.

Speaker 1 I was like, not on my watch.

Speaker 1 Now, here's the thing you need to know. Jenna Schwartz kind of fucked me over once, right? Not fucked me over bad, but in a weird way, like in a weird way.
So I look back, a guy named Brian Stepanic.

Speaker 1 He was on, I think,

Speaker 1 Zach and Drake or whatever. Brian Stepanic, I look back, I go, hey, nominate me for pace president.
And he's like, for real? I go, dead serious. He goes, I nominate Burt Chrysler.
I go, I accept.

Speaker 1 And Leanne goes, what the fuck are you doing? I said,

Speaker 1 I'm running for pace president. She goes, honey, hold on.
You're not going to be pace president. No one's going to vote for you.
I said, well, let me just give my speech. Jenna Schwartz comes over.

Speaker 1 She goes, what are you doing? And I said, please don't talk to me. I'm running for pace president.

Speaker 1 We're enemies. So I go up and they go, who would like to speak first? Now, Jenna Schwartz has not worn makeup.
She's not gotten dressed up. And she also hasn't prepared a speech.

Speaker 1 She's been running unopposed. I get up.
I'm almost verbatim. I'll call my fucking wife

Speaker 1 just to prove this is how accurate my speech was.

Speaker 6 It sounds like Jenna Schwartz was just, she was

Speaker 6 experiencing absolute power.

Speaker 1 She thought that she wasn't going to be held accountable. Yeah,

Speaker 1 my wife better answer. Do you ever fucking call your wife and then you're like, if she doesn't answer, I'm just canceling her fucking phone.

Speaker 1 She apparently doesn't know how to use a goddamn phone. It's like, she'll look at it and go, who is this calling? And I'm like, that's why it rings.
That's why it rings.

Speaker 1 Fuck her. Anyway,

Speaker 1 I get up on stage. Now it's maybe 500 parents in there, all of which know me because I've had now two kids go through this school.
I said,

Speaker 1 my name's Burt Chrysler. I'm running for Pace president.
This This is almost verbatim in my speech. I said, I know Jenny Schwartz.
I used to hike with Jennis Schwartz on Fremont Canyon.

Speaker 1 Me, my wife, Lynn Grusen, Kathy Fromkin, and Sandy Tatt would hike every morning every day. All the names.
All names, all names, all accurate.

Speaker 1 We would hike every morning at Freman Canyon right after drop-off with Jennis Schwartz. It was fun.
Great conversation. And then one day, she didn't show up.

Speaker 1 We sat at the trailhead for about 30 minutes and she never showed up. She didn't call.
She didn't text. Nothing.
So we decided to hike. And that day we saw her on a hike with Christy Goodman.

Speaker 1 She didn't say hi to us. She didn't acknowledge.

Speaker 1 And to this day, we have never hiked with her again. We've never spoken about it.
And to this day, she hikes with Christy Goodman.

Speaker 1 If you want to vote for a president that one day will decide the journey they're on with you is no longer the journey they want to take, then vote for Jenna Schwartz.

Speaker 1 But if you want a president who's going to show up every day at that trailhead and wait for you to take that journey with you until we're done, then vote for me. My name's Burt Kreischer.

Speaker 1 I'd like to be your pace president. The fucking room is shaking.
Dudes, legit dudes are like, that's my guy. That's my guy.
Jenna Schwartz, like, wait, hold on. I have a bad knee.

Speaker 1 White, you hike too fast. He talks nonstop.

Speaker 6 She should have told you about that.

Speaker 1 There's a little thing called conversations that people can have when they change their plans. And if they don't say anything, that's a red flag.
I sat down and my wife goes, you have to stop this.

Speaker 1 And I go, I just want to hear what she has to say. And they're like, well, that's Bert speech.
Jenna, and she comes up and she goes, okay, hold on one second.

Speaker 1 Okay, he doesn't really want to be paying his president. This is a joke.
You're joking, right? Hold on. I have a bad knee.
No, listen, Christy has a bad knee also. And I just raise my hand.

Speaker 1 I go, I'd like to rescind my nomination for president.

Speaker 1 And that is the funnest. I got in trouble in college for it.
There was a Miss Florida State pageant,

Speaker 1 and every fraternity had to have a

Speaker 1 contestant that you brought up. And so we're getting there and we're sitting in the big auditorium.
And no one's taking the mic. And no one's taking the mic.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I'm going to go up and take the mic. So I get up and I walk up.
I go, I want to thank you, everyone, for coming.

Speaker 1 This is so great. We'll give yourselves a round of applause.
We're just coming out today, and everyone gives subs a round of applause. I said, awesome.

Speaker 1 If everyone just passed forward their physical forms, and everyone's like, physicals, physicals. And I go, oh, you guys, that's totally cool.

Speaker 1 If you don't have a physical, I'll be administering physicals in the back bathroom. So just line up back there.
And four girls got up and walked to the back bathroom.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I'm fucking around. Well, I got a lot of trouble.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Apparently, I had to go to fucking Omega or whatever and fucking apologize at their dinner. I was like, what the fuck? You can't make a goddamn joke.
You're an agent of chaos. I love it.

Speaker 1 It's just like the moment, there's humor in every moment. And it's like, how can I make this a ridiculous moment? I think when you become a comedian, you definitely can live in that.

Speaker 1 But then there's the other side where your jokes don't. Really don't fly.
But those are almost funnier.

Speaker 1 When you get like the anti, like when everyone's like, oh my God, how could he say that?

Speaker 1 that's even better, I would assume.

Speaker 1 Have you had that point where you're like, you've done something and everyone's like, dude, what the fuck? Fuck, yeah.

Speaker 1 They had a dance.

Speaker 1 They had a dance for the for the kids, and then they had taught them like the foxtrot or whatever. And so it was like the first dance, maybe their fifth, maybe their fifth grade.

Speaker 1 And we go to that same auditorium at the school, and the parents sit together, and we're going to watch our kids do the dance. That's how their first dance goes.

Speaker 1 So before this dance starts, they pull us outside. They're like, hey, listen, we need to have a conversation with the parents.
I apologize. One of the teachers is like, I apologize.

Speaker 1 I assumed everyone's gender, and I paired them up, boy, girl, boy, girl.

Speaker 1 I assumed a lot, and it's on me. I hope to learn better.
But if you're cool with it, the dance isn't going to go forward like this.

Speaker 1 We're just going to just let them pair with whoever they want to pair with. Because apparently some parent got upset.

Speaker 1 We're going to let them pair. It's going to be like girl, girl, boy, boy, whatever.
It's just going to be him, them, or whatever. They're all going to pair up, and they're not not going to do a dance.

Speaker 1 They're just going to dance to music. Is that okay? And now I'm watching parents grandstand, like, going, like, actually,

Speaker 1 we don't, we don't even call our daughter or our daughter a daughter, whatever. You know, they're like spouting their politics.

Speaker 1 And so they get to me and Leanne and they're like, are you guys cool with that? And I was like, I'll answer that. And Leanne's like, please don't.

Speaker 1 And I said, I said to a group of very liberal parents, I go, I actually don't care if my daughter dances with a boy or a girl just as long as it's white. And the fucking, fucking, okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, you could watch.

Speaker 1 They were just like, what did he say? My wife's like, he's a comedian. He's a comedian.
And I was like, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
It better be a boy and it better be white. And I,

Speaker 1 and, and there were parents that were legit upset. Oh, I'm sure.
When I won the raffle that changed the raffles, there's a dude. This is a, whoa.

Speaker 1 So I win, I win this one raffle that changes all the raffles. And I go in to Corolla like a week later and I'm telling him the story of this raffle.

Speaker 1 And I say the guy's name. One dad got really upset because after I won all the prizes, I then walked around shirtless with all the prizes going to parents going, what do you guys win?

Speaker 1 Like, I won all the prizes. I won them all.
And this dad's like, I have a raffle budget. And I went, I go, fuck your raffle budget.

Speaker 6 You're pretty much like the reason they invented the salary cap in football just for elementary school.

Speaker 1 You'd make a good baseball owner.

Speaker 1 No, but I think you've tapped into something here because it's, and I have two young kids and I've just started to get into into this world oh it's parents great when you don't care yeah it's parents because i had i i've told this story on on the show but i had a thing where my son's preschool got shut down out of nowhere because of like construction and all this stuff it's basically was like these two really nice women were running it covet shut down they lost money like they couldn't keep it afloat it was all very like understandable yeah and i was on this parent group chat and there were people saying there was like a Ponzi scheme and everything and like all this stuff

Speaker 1 and I almost I should have done I now know that I should just go for it.

Speaker 1 I almost replied to the whole group and was like, now that you guys say it, like, I saw one of the teachers driving a Lambo the other day. Because, like, they would have all taken it so seriously.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I didn't, but now I got to start doing it because it is like, I think it's the parents' world.
Like, I've been in this for a couple of years. My son's two and a half.
Like,

Speaker 1 every time I'm around parents, people take it so seriously. And it's like, what are we doing? Dude, why is everyone so serious? Our first school was called the Sunshine Shack.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 by the way, I'm still using all very real names. It's called the Sunshine Shack.
It's a great school. It's a great fucking school.
It was preschool. It was awesome.

Speaker 1 First day there, we do like a parents, you know, get to like orientation. I mean, it's all fucking famous people.
I mean, it's Billy Cruddup, Billy Cruddup's chick at the time.

Speaker 1 Something masters. I don't know.
I don't know who it is.

Speaker 1 She was in weeds, his chick at the time.

Speaker 1 Nia Vardalos, who wrote My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Her husband, Ian Gomez, it's everyone.
And then

Speaker 1 J Chenda Seikar, like all these big famous people, and Fred Savage.

Speaker 1 And Fred Savage. So Fred Savage, his kids were, I think, a year below mine, maybe.
Maybe he's Isla's age. So Fred Savage, one day, now I always came to this place, hungover.

Speaker 1 I had always been out doing spots the night before. And

Speaker 1 one day, Fred Savage is there, and he's on the ground playing with the kids. I don't get on the ground for kids.
I'm like,

Speaker 1 I'll sit in a chair, but I'm not getting on the phone.

Speaker 1 Yeah. he's on the ground, he's playing with kids, and I'm listening to these moms, and they're like, he's such a good dad.
He is such a good dad.

Speaker 1 And then one of the moms is like, and you would have known that. Like, knowing who we, we grew up with him.
We grew up with him. We've known him since he's a little kid.

Speaker 1 And when I'm telling you, when I saw him on the One Years, my first thought, I can't wait to see what he's going to be like as a dad. And he's amazing.
And I go over and I go, yeah, he has a good dad.

Speaker 1 It's so crazy, like, considering who his father was that he turned out this way. And they're like, who's his dad? I go, Randy the Macho Man Savage.

Speaker 1 And they're like, For real? And I go, Yeah, his mom's the beautiful Elizabeth. And I go, You didn't know that? And they're like, Oh, yeah, I guess he has a showbiz family.
And then I just walked away.

Speaker 1 And then the fucking people at Rand Stan

Speaker 1 were like, Hey, man, are you talking shit about Fred Savage?

Speaker 1 You know, you are the worst one. The worst one was,

Speaker 1 I, I, I, uh, Billy. I mean, I, I,

Speaker 1 Billy, Billy Crudd up. I don't know.
I'm sure it's in the news or something. Billy Crudd up.
Billy Crudu's a fucking great guy. That's why I'm hesitant to say anything bad about Billy Cruddup.

Speaker 1 And I'm not saying anything bad about him. He's awesome.
He wasn't part of this. Billy Crudup's a fucking legit guy.
Like, a legit great guy. Top to bottom, a great guy.
But?

Speaker 1 No, but. I think, I'm just hoping this isn't gossip, but it's been fucking 17 years.
So

Speaker 1 him and his chick get split up, right? And he Mariston Masterson, whatever her name is. They split up and he starts dating someone else.
I think he was a celebrity. I don't remember.

Speaker 1 I think it was Claire Danes. Someone have to Google it.
But

Speaker 1 it's fodder for the tabloids. So we have an end of the season, end of the school picnic, and someone at the picnic takes pictures and sells them to like the star or whatever.

Speaker 1 And fucking, because of my constant behavior, they immediately assume it's me.

Speaker 6 But nothing about you would say, like, this is a guy that would go behind you.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I did have a big camera because I was a fat. Because I was a dad.
Because I was a dad.

Speaker 6 You got like this vest on with the rolls of film in it and shit.

Speaker 1 But I had like a camera because back then cell phones didn't take pictures. So I had a legit camera because I was a dad.

Speaker 1 And as soon as I get blamed for something, I start behaving guilty. Like the second you go,

Speaker 1 hey, did you cheat on,

Speaker 1 my wife one time found a pair of jeans in my laundry, like girls' jeans, sexy girl jeans. She goes, whose are these? And I started laughing so hard that I couldn't defend myself.
I go, I have no idea.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I don't know. I don't know where they came from.
And she goes,

Speaker 1 where the fuck would you find these? And I was like, I have no fucking idea. I have no idea.
And she legit was like, how the fuck would you have come home with girl jeans?

Speaker 1 Her best friend was like, fuck him. He's a cheater.
Divorce him. He's a cheater.
You caught him. He's a cheater.
Divorce him. And then my wife's like, fuck it.
I'm going to wear the jeans.

Speaker 1 So we go out to dinner with her best friend, Julie, and she wears the jeans. And Julie says, Hey, you're wearing my jeans.
Leanne goes, these are the jeans I found in his laundry.

Speaker 1 And she's like, no, no, those are my jeans. She's like, I've been looking for those jeans.
And Leanne goes, How did your jeans get in his laundry?

Speaker 1 Turns out I had come home from the airport, gone to Julie's house to party, put my jacket on her chair. Her jeans were on the chair, picked up my jacket and her jeans.
I was like, fucking cunts.

Speaker 1 I told you. I fucking told you.
I'm not a cheater.

Speaker 1 When the machine story went viral, and the reason it went, I'm so sure I told you this. When the machine story went viral, the reason it went viral was someone in my class had written,

Speaker 1 I was on this trip.

Speaker 1 I was in Birch Rushing class. This story is 100% true.
He fucking robbed us, us, right? Right on Facebook. Yeah, on Facebook.
Dude, I screen-grabbed it. I'm not even joking.

Speaker 1 I screen-grabbed it, and I sent it to Tom, and I was like,

Speaker 1 I knew I wasn't lying. And he goes, I believed you the whole time.
I go, I didn't believe myself. Yeah.
Like,

Speaker 1 I have like whatever that guilty, like, as soon as someone has money missing, I think I did it. Yeah.
And I don't know what that is. I'm sure there's like some fucking.

Speaker 8 Falls here. Kids are back in school.
Vacations are over. And cozy season is officially on.
You know what that means? Bombas season is on.

Speaker 8 Bombus makes the most comfortable socks ever, and they even make slippers, tees, underwear, all crafted from premium materials. Perfect for this time of year and cozying up for football watching.

Speaker 8 Their slippers are also Sherpa lined, which feels like you're walking on the clouds. Bombus really has it all.

Speaker 8 And if you head over to bombus.com/slash audio, you can use the code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com/slash audio.

Speaker 3 Code audio at checkout.

Speaker 1 Come on too.

Speaker 1 Tom Segura, your your co-host how's he doing physically after his one of the all if you haven't seen the clip um it's very relatable to anyone who played any sport at any point in their life and then gained uh some weight in 20 years and then said i'm gonna go do this again um it scared me off of playing basketball for a little bit there

Speaker 1 he's

Speaker 1 he's doing good he's doing really good you know and all what he break tell me the whole list of injuries so he

Speaker 1 he went to jump and as he went to jump, his left

Speaker 1 patella ruptured.

Speaker 6 That's such a bad injury, too.

Speaker 1 That's just the situation.

Speaker 6 Like, that's not even, I know, but that alone, people talk about like the ACL as being a bad injury. Yeah.

Speaker 6 If you rupture your patella tendon, that's like the most painful knee injury that you can possibly have.

Speaker 1 Well, his exploded because apparently it wasn't meant to solely hold 280 pounds. Like his patella was never invented to hold what he did to it.

Speaker 1 So then that exploded, and then Tom, in his quick thinking, grabbed his left arm to catch his body. Now that left arm, the humerus bone, also was not meant to hold 280 pounds.
And it broke in half.

Speaker 1 And then because he was moving so fast, because when that much mass moves that forward that fast, it spun in a circle and his arm was facing as if it was like reaching for a cheat notes in class.

Speaker 1 Like, hey man, can you pass me the notes? And now this happens in a blink of an eye. It happens in a second.

Speaker 1 He's like, hey, hey you guys want to see me dunk and we're like uh everyone's like get your cameras out this is gonna be good and you hear a pop-up and

Speaker 1 and the the the panic noise of real pain that

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 like not not like ow ow ow like uh

Speaker 1 the gasping yeah call 911 call 911 i watched it so i i have a sick thing where i love watching injury videos what's ironic is he does too that's the irony in all of this is if you show him an Asian guy getting kneecapped by a car in a garage, he is crying.

Speaker 1 That's me. Yes, I'm the same way.
It's puke videos and any type of horrific injury. I will watch it every time.

Speaker 6 I just love that his body just quit on itself. He was like, nope,

Speaker 6 I'd rather self-implode than do what you're asking me to do right now.

Speaker 1 And he was so competitive that day.

Speaker 1 Now, here's what you need to know about me and Tom is athletically, across the board, I've always been better than Tom in everything, in everything there is to do.

Speaker 1 There's not one thing he can hold a candle to me at all, ever, anything. He said, and I know that.
I know that. I'm a little bit like, because I played sports growing up, I can pick up very quick.

Speaker 1 He said one day, he goes, I've been taking tennis lessons. And I, without knowing where he was in tennis, I said, I'll destroy you.
And he went, you don't know how good I am.

Speaker 1 I said, it doesn't matter. I destroy you.
And he goes, but I don't know how good you are. And he goes, I said, it doesn't matter.
I destroy you. And he goes, let's play tennis.

Speaker 1 And I said, let's play tennis. I aced him 42 times.

Speaker 1 I aced his tennis coach. His tennis coach pulled Tom aside before the match.
He said, Heads up, your boy's got a Division I serve. And he was like, What?

Speaker 1 He was like, I have no idea where his game is horrible, but his serve is fucking top-notch. And it has, he's got three different types of spin you need to watch out for.

Speaker 1 And when he puts the heater on, it goes past you. And by the way, I have a Division I serve in tennis.
So Tom's like, what the fuck? I aced him so bad that it was no longer funny.

Speaker 1 His wife came out and brought his kid to cheer him on, and then she put him in the car. She didn't want him to see it.
It was that bad.

Speaker 1 So when we went to play basketball, Tom all of a sudden was better at me in basketball. And

Speaker 1 he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I also, and this is from doing travel channel a lot, I knew

Speaker 1 you don't always have to give it 100%. Right.
Because you can get hurt. So when playing basketball, I'm kind of just fucking around going like, I have not moved around a lot.

Speaker 1 I was the fattest I've ever been. And so when we went to dunk, I was like, I'm not going to fucking hurt myself.
Tom was like, I'll hurt myself. Yeah.
And man, it happened so quick.

Speaker 1 And I'll admit, my initial instinct of resetting his arm wasn't the best idea.

Speaker 1 How long was he, like, actually out for?

Speaker 1 Like, six months?

Speaker 1 He had to do everything, right? He had to do all rehab and everything. I'm not.
I mean, the best parts of the story are the aftermath.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's so much. Because here's the thing that, okay, so like everyone loves Tom.
I love Tom. He's my best friend.

Speaker 1 He's hilarious on stage, but the funniest parts of Tom are the sad parts. Like when he goes, like, so

Speaker 1 we go to his house. I go home.
I tell my wife, I go, Tom's in the, Tom's fucked himself up. He's in the hospital.
She goes, we need to drive over and help Push.

Speaker 1 Push is not equipped to do this by herself. And I was like, you're right.
So we go to Tom's house and I buy

Speaker 1 if you're lifting an old person, they put a belt around them. I buy one of those belts.
And they're like, what the fuck is this for? And I go, we're going to have to get Tom in this house.

Speaker 1 He can't use any parts of his body.

Speaker 1 I need to put a fat belt on him and carry him and he they're like they're like okay so he gets there and his when he when Tom is is like bummed out it is my favorite look in the world it is there's not a child who's dropped an ice ice cream cone that can do it better he's got a little look where he just goes like

Speaker 1 And so I put the fat belt on him and I carry him into his screening room and I throw him on the thing and he's sweating now. He's got, they didn't even reset his arm at the hospital.

Speaker 1 He's got a brace on his thing and he's just like this. He's in pain.
And he he looks up, and my wife just looks at him and goes, you're about to get fat as fuck.

Speaker 1 And his look on his face was priceless. Did he have like stairs in his house and shit that he did together? He did.
He had a ton. He had a four-story house in the Palisade.

Speaker 6 So they had to do the like old person chair that took him up and down the stairs?

Speaker 1 They were like, okay, we're going to have to make a ramp to get him in and out.

Speaker 1 Paul, because he played basketball. Paul, because he played basketball, and he said, you want to see me dunk? The best.

Speaker 6 For like half a second, he played basketball.

Speaker 1 The best is, now, Tom and i are also very different men in in comics and that like if you say if you are see us on the street and you're like oh shit bert i will match your energy and i'll be like hey what's up how you doing want to get a picture sure let's do it if you do that to tom he will shut down and be like not now and just walk away so he's not he's not not a dick but he's not like he doesn't

Speaker 1 fame is not why he ever got into this at all So the next day I have to get him a medical transport to get him to the hospital. This guy shows up with long hair.

Speaker 1 It's clear he's been smoking in this van. I now have a wheelchair.
I get Tom in the wheelchair. I wheel him out to the thing.
I get him in the thing. The guy, Tom's also overweight.

Speaker 1 This guy and I are struggling to get him there. It's the height of COVID.
We're all messed up. Tom's messed up.
He's in the same pants he was wearing the night before. Same sweat, smells.

Speaker 1 We get in the back of the van. There's no air conditioning.
The guy's like, we start to drive, and Tom just looks at me and he's like, he's at his lowest.

Speaker 1 He now knows he's going in for a full-time surgery. And he goes,

Speaker 1 and the guy goes, so what do you guys do? And I go, we're comedians. And he goes, goes, tell me a joke.
I go, Tom, tell him a joke.

Speaker 1 His sadness was the funniest thing out of all of the whole fucking thing. We got him in the elevator and his arms like this, his things like this.
And he got stuck in the elevator. And I mean,

Speaker 1 there was so much to it. We had to take him in.
I had to take him into the emergency room at Cedar Sinai in the peak COVID. We're talking December of COVID of a year ago.

Speaker 1 And we had to get him to piss in a bottle. I mean, it was talking like,

Speaker 1 I literally said to him, if you've ever questioned how much I love you, let this remind you that this is how much I love you.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 that was a really intense time for friendship.

Speaker 6 I can't imagine how you would take a shit like that.

Speaker 1 He didn't actually for a while because he was on pain pills. So he was on so many pain pills, he wasn't shitting.
And then when he started shitting, he had COVID.

Speaker 1 So he thought he was just detoxing from pain pills. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. These are all stories.
By the way, these are all stories you would never hear from Tom Segura.

Speaker 1 He would never tell you these. But yeah,

Speaker 1 it was an interesting time in my life. And then I ruptured my arm and blew out my tendons.
And he was great for me because he helped me. He got me a physical therapist.
And yeah,

Speaker 1 he's an interesting fan.

Speaker 6 So I know that you're a golf fan. Can you still play golf with your injuries?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I played Pebble Beach the other day on the fucking...

Speaker 1 Have you ever played with the one that's got the screen?

Speaker 6 I played it several times on Tiger Woods 2005, I think. That golf game.
Maybe the best sports video game of all time. Maybe the best.

Speaker 1 So I was addicted to that game. I was addicted to that game.
I love that game more than ever. I played Real Pebble Beach.

Speaker 1 I was playing the one that you hit into the mat and it shows up. I played that the other day.
But I played Pebble Beach for real. And it wasn't until Hole 5, the Par Five uphill.

Speaker 1 You know the one on the cliff where you hit and then you got hit up blind into the...

Speaker 1 Until I went, I've played this fucking course a million times.

Speaker 1 I was actually on hole three, I think, or hole three.

Speaker 6 You know, like, this is way easier in person than it is.

Speaker 1 I'm well prepared. I got up there and I go, this is a drivable par four.

Speaker 1 And he's like, it's not drivable. I go, 310.
It's a drivable par four. And he goes, it's uphill.
I go, it's a drivable par four. I hit five balls until I got a bunch of sand trap.

Speaker 6 We got to get you down to the masters. That would be great to have you go cover the masters there.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's all you had to say. Yeah.
That's all you had to say. That is all, dude.

Speaker 6 That's the perfect environment for a guy like you because it is, you know, it's the old school place, very buttoned up. Tradition's important down there.

Speaker 6 You know, they do like they do like fake bird sound effects on the broadcast. No way.
They really doctor it up. They spray paint the grass to make it look greener than it really is.

Speaker 6 They do have an army of people that walk around like picking up every single leaf with like little tweezers to make sure that it looks perfectly manicured.

Speaker 1 Golf tournaments are fun as fuck. We used to go to the TPC every year out of St.
Augustine, I think. I think that's where it is.

Speaker 1 But all I know is that whole 17, we just sat by that par 3 and just watched, and everyone would bet. It was the funnest.
Yes.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but getting you down in Augusta and inside

Speaker 6 the Masters, that would be maybe the best content that I've ever had.

Speaker 1 I would fucking, I would, I would come all over my pants to be at the Masters.

Speaker 6 That's how you get in.

Speaker 1 They'll hear that and they'll be like, okay. Hey, man,

Speaker 1 guys, hope you know I came in my pants for this. Oh, cool, Bert.
Thanks. Wait, so

Speaker 1 when you walked in here this morning,

Speaker 1 you have a show in Newark on

Speaker 1 tomorrow. Tomorrow.
So we're going to run this Friday. When's the next show?

Speaker 1 In Brooklyn on,

Speaker 1 I'll tell you exactly. By the way, my wife called and was like, texting, do you need something? I'm in Brooklyn on the 31st, Providence, Rhode Island, the first.
Portland, Maine, the second, and then

Speaker 1 Albany, New York on the third. So you're doing the whole, yeah, up and down East Coast.
You came in, though, and you're like, my goal today is to just not drink until 5 p.m. If I could not.

Speaker 1 What happened yesterday? Oh, no, I've been good. It's my whole thing is I've been good.
And then I got on the plane last night, and we do this thing called Private Suite.

Speaker 1 It's where it's like a separate entrance. We got it for COVID, and then now I'm addicted to it.
Wait, what is it? It's Private Suite. It's a different entrance.

Speaker 1 You go. So like the airport's here.
All the gates are here. Well, it's on the other side, and you pay extra, and you go to a private suite, and you hang out there, and it's stocked.

Speaker 1 You can take whatever you want out of there. It's stocked.
They bring you caviar, and then they put you in a car and drive you onto the tarmac onto the plane. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 It costs more, but if you've got parents that are older like me, it makes sense because they don't want to be in the airports during COVID. Right.

Speaker 1 And for me and my team, when we fly out, we all meet at private suite. We all hang out, party our balls off.
It's fucking all you can drink. And then we get on the plane.
So I was like, I'm good.

Speaker 1 I'm not drinking. I had a busy day yesterday.
And then I got there and they had a bottle of wine.

Speaker 1 and brought champagne and caviar and I got fucking lit and then got on the plane and then but didn't ring on the plane passed out listened to the Ryan Leaf podcast. Have you listened to that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we've had him on our show. Yeah, he is fucking fascinating, yeah.
Like, I, and by the way, I didn't follow any of that when it was happening, yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I wasn't, I don't, you know, I only watched, I don't, I don't give a fuck about the Jamarcus Russells and Ryan Leafs, but like, I will listen to all of Ryan Leaf's podcasts last year.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he's got a good head about him. Like, when we were talking to him about, you know, as he was going through that process, he's able to look back and like very clearly

Speaker 6 completely self-diagnose. Here's where I fucked up, here's where the reasons are.
He's a smart guy.

Speaker 1 All I could think is:

Speaker 1 don't get the big house. That's all I thought.
And then I just bought a big house. You did? Yeah.
And I was like, and but I was hungry in that small house. In that small house, you had nowhere to go.

Speaker 1 So you got up and you left, or you got up and you went out back and you wrote. In the big house, you're like, I'm going to polar plunge.
I'm going to take a bath.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like you have all the amenities. It's crazy.
Like, that's all I heard: don't get the big house. And it's interesting because I have been, I've been pushing away.
My wife loves our big house.

Speaker 1 My daughters love it. But I've been distant from it because I go, this isn't mine.
Like, I still need to work. I still have to work.
This isn't mine. It's fascinating.

Speaker 1 And it's fascinating to hear the things, the way his brain thought about vengeance and vendettas.

Speaker 1 Because I know dudes in comedy that are that way. Right.
And I'm like, whoa.

Speaker 6 What is it do you think about guys in comedy that it's almost like they're they're so sensitive all the time like they've got these egos and so much of what drives them is just based on like hatred or like trying to bring somebody else that they think they're more deserving than down.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, it really is.

Speaker 1 You're talking about a group of guys who are more often than not not cool in high school, not athletic, not couldn't do anything, never had a bunch of successes under their belts.

Speaker 1 And so then when they get to comedy and they get a, and there's a lot of rejection in comedy, when you get that success, you, I know the instinct. I know the instinct.

Speaker 1 It's, you, it's, there's a period when you get a first flash of success where you want to tell everyone to fuck themselves right you want to tell everyone that and I went through it I mean I'm not saying that everyone went through it but I went through it where you get that first thing and you're like you want to call up the agents that didn't want to work with you or

Speaker 1 or people that didn't want to help you and be like I told you but you the best thing you can do is shut your fucking mouth.

Speaker 1 It's the old Bill Murray, like I think he said it specifically about Chevy Chase that everyone gets one year to be a dick when they become famous And then you got to adjust.

Speaker 1 And then Chevy Chase obviously never did, but that was like...

Speaker 1 I never was a dick because, so I got very lucky. I got very lucky in that I had travel channel, small travel channel success.

Speaker 1 Not success, but it was just like stripper money, you know, like it was good money. And then everything went away.

Speaker 1 And during that time, I was, when you get fired from travel channel and you don't have a special and you're just working the road and everyone, including yourself, thinks this will not happen for me.

Speaker 1 It It is

Speaker 1 an insight I wish every comic could get because you see the comics that look over your shoulder when they're talking to you at the store. You see the comics that look in your eye.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you the comics that look in your eye. Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, Tom Segura.
I'm not saying the other people don't, Joey Diaz.

Speaker 1 My friends, my small group of friends, they're the guys that are that none of that shit matters. I mean, Bill Burr and Joe Rogan, I have said this before.

Speaker 1 When I walked into the backstage of the store one time, they were like, hey man, your show sucks. And I was like, what? And they're like, your travel show sucks.

Speaker 1 you're wasting your life you're a talented comic and you're awesome on podcasts focus on your podcast get your special done fucking be undeniable joe rogan joe rogan probably more than burr but burrs you know burr just is a quieter dude rogan was like you need to get the fuck out of travel channel and um and when i got fired i remember you find out you find out who the real people are and then when you get you do your first theater tour and you sell them all out and then you add shows and you start doing red rocks and like i'm doing the greek on may 5th small plug but like oh yeah you can find out who those real people are and who the real because now there's people that would look over my shoulder that are like what's up bert yeah hey man i heard you got a project going like what's going on you and tom sell something man if you ever need a a fat astronaut right you know right plus people bite themselves on yeah i feel like the podcast just in general is so much it's it's perfect for you because you don't have to worry about having like a full team of people to approve every idea that you have or like and i have a lot of bad ones yeah but the the bad ideas are usually the best ones oh we're right yeah oh dude let me tell you something you should do a show that's just strictly bad ideas i i've had by the way i i've had bad ideas that are so bad that everyone says they're horrible until fucking dave portnoy green lights them and then all of a sudden burt chryser is a goddamn genius and then i have my next bad idea and everyone's like quick quick quick before barstool does it and it's not a good idea anymore so i came up with two bears sports management probably like three years ago i was like we need to start signing agent signing talent it was a joke and and Tom's like, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 I go, we need a talent. We need to find talent.
And we talked about it.

Speaker 4 We laughed about it.

Speaker 1 Athletes reached out to us. We talked to one guy, the Handshake King.
We signed him. But then you guys did it.
And all of a sudden, all these agents that mocked me hit me up.

Speaker 1 They're like, you still doing sports management? And I was like, I man, we don't have the infrastructure they do.

Speaker 1 They're a different animal. Like, they're going to do it and succeed.
Tom and I were just doing it above a lark. And then I came up with stupid fucking

Speaker 1 two bears racing, a racing team. And I fucking just invested $100,000.
And I'm just waiting for Dave and you guys to do it so that it's a real idea.

Speaker 1 What is the? I bought Tom a race car. You bought him a race car for his birthday.
I bought him a race car. So we do gay birthdays.
So we do,

Speaker 1 gay guys buy the best presidents ever, right? So one year, Tom bought me like a $3,000 electric bike that goes 40 miles an hour. Oh, those things are sick.
They're awesome. Yes.

Speaker 1 And they're even better. Motorcycles.
They're even better at 2 a.m. when you're drunk and no one's out, right? So then the next year, I bought him.
We said

Speaker 1 for our birthdays, birthdays, we'll buy more expensive gifts every year

Speaker 1 until we get to a million dollars.

Speaker 1 And so then,

Speaker 1 but I'm like, I'm like looking at my time. Like Tom's 42.
I'm 49.

Speaker 1 I got to speed this up, right? So I buy him the next year. He had moved to Austin.
I bought him a $15,000 wave runner that goes 70 miles an hour, right? So he's like, nice. So then this year.

Speaker 1 Does he use it?

Speaker 1 Every fucking day. Oh, okay.
Tom's a speed freak. Okay.
So he gets on glass and just

Speaker 1 uses it so much. He bought a second second one.

Speaker 1 So then

Speaker 1 this year he calls me up. I'm stressed.
We got the movie coming out.

Speaker 1 We're wrapping the movie. I'm doing screenings in like Sugarland, Los Angeles.
I'm doing shows. I'm on tour.
And I'm stressed out. Tom knows.
And I'm doing two bears in Austin.

Speaker 1 And he knows I'm stressed out. And he calls me up.
And he goes, happy birthday. Don't worry about next week.
It was like my busiest week. And I go, what? And he goes, don't worry about it.
I got you.

Speaker 1 After you show in Minneapolis, I got a private jet. It's going to pick you up.
It's going to take you to Austin. We're going to do two Two Bears.

Speaker 1 Then the private jet is going to take you to Sugarland, Sugarland and it's gonna drop you off to go to the screening of the movie then it's gonna take you back to LA so you can see the girls and do your voiceover and then the private jet is gonna fly you back out on the road and I was like for real he was like yeah and he goes and it's not one of the tiny ones it's the fucking g5 it's like the fucking big one it's like $70,000 and I'm like all I thought was motherfucker I gotta spend a hundred thousand dollars on this guy next year

Speaker 1 so I

Speaker 1 Said to him, he's really into cars and racing. And I said, let's start two bears racing.
I'll buy you a race car for your birthday. And he's like,

Speaker 1 Are you being serious? And I said, Yeah. And he goes, No, you don't mess around with me.
This is like my dream. And I was like, Done.
So I bought a $56,000 race car.

Speaker 1 We're doing endurance races, BMW endurance racing. Hell yes.
And I would love if you guys, if Barstool could start his race team to make this fucking real. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you guys just pitch this around the office, if Barstool starts a race team, then all of a sudden my idea doesn't look like a weird fucking idea. Where's the race?

Speaker 1 All around. Endurance races are forever.

Speaker 1 So our first race, I think we're going to get Rogan, tom and and uh matt farah to be our race team it's over 24 hours so they each are just doing laps and laps and laps i got them a trailer i got everything wrapped i got them four extra tires and i've got a crew that's going to be their first i'm in the race so it's like the uh it's on one track though it's on one track and it's all different types of cars you're not really racing you're racing against people in your it by the way i don't really know what i'm talking about so i don't know what the fuck i just have the money to buy the fucking race team what does the winner get show me the business plan on it The business plan?

Speaker 1 Ad sales. Okay.
Yes. So already in just talking about it, all our advertisers for two bears have asked if they could buy space on the car.
And I'm like, oh,

Speaker 1 this could work out pretty good. Secondly,

Speaker 1 live events. So we do live events and me and Tom.
And

Speaker 1 so...

Speaker 1 Content for live events is always the key to a great live event. This could be a great live event, either hosted there or shot and then taken on the thing.

Speaker 1 I made sure that my car has all cameras and

Speaker 1 the video on the inside so people can live stream and watch Tom race a car for fucking endurance racing.

Speaker 1 I'm down to drive. Yeah, by the way, let me tell you something.
I came up with the idea thinking

Speaker 1 because I literally thought, how do we get into Formula One? Right. And then they like a lot.
Yeah. No, but the Russian oligarch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they said, well, you got to start somewhere.

Speaker 1 And then all of a sudden, this guy, Matt Farrow, who has a great podcast called The Smoking Tire, he hit me up. He goes, this is actually a really great idea.

Speaker 1 And he goes, for $100,000 investment, you can get into endurance racing and I can help you out. And I was, and he knows everything about cars.
So we bought the car. We bought the trailer.

Speaker 1 It's in Sacramento. It shipped yesterday.
It's going to get

Speaker 1 yeah. And so that's Tom's birthday present is a race team.
I love it. That's an amazing thing.
I love it. Yeah.

Speaker 6 So now what's the expectation on your part for him to come back at you next year?

Speaker 6 What's the ground floor for the price level?

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm assuming we're just going to double up. I'm thinking $200,000.
Yeah. I don't know.
I kind of want a ranch house in Montana. Like,

Speaker 1 I really, by the way, I told this to a gay dude, and he goes, Do you know the stress we have when my boyfriend buys me something for Christmas? That I've got to one-up him?

Speaker 1 The one-upmanship, because it's dudes, right? It's fucking dudes. So there's the competition there.
Then there's the love. Then there's the disposable income.

Speaker 1 We had gay guys writing in their favorite presents. They brought him.
Dude, it was like,

Speaker 1 my boyfriend got me tickets to the Subway series.

Speaker 1 It was like the best fucking presents. Gay guys are just guys.
They're just guys.

Speaker 1 They're just fucking guys.

Speaker 1 They're just guys.

Speaker 1 Who gets sick ass fucking presents? Sick-ass presents. Not all of them on Gucci.
Someone, like, go, let's go to the masters. Let's go to the, you know? Right.
So that's fucking...

Speaker 1 I'm expecting a big present next year. I love it.
I love it. All right.
My last question. You should put, you should.

Speaker 16 All protein bars generally taste the same, but not one bars. One made protein bars are actually delicious with Reese's and Hershey's.

Speaker 16 Only one Reese's Peanut Butter Lover's protein bar is made with Reese's peanut butter, and only one Hershey's cookies and cream protein bars is made with Hershey's cookie bits while delivering 18 grams of protein and 3 grams of sugar.

Speaker 16 One bars are the perfect protein bar to get you through your busy day, whether you need a quick pick-me-up between meetings or you need some fuel to power you through your next workout.

Speaker 1 one also has other delicious flavors like birthday cake maple glazed donut and blueberry cobbler find all one bars at a retailer near you or on amazon.com i need you guys if you guys start your race team then you i know you guys will figure out where the money is well dave has got like a very good eye for business and how to make money off this stuff so when you guys because when i pitched sports management to tom whatever however long ago no my agents no one could figure out how you can make money and then you motherfuckers came in and you're like collegiate athletes and I was like

Speaker 1 that's why that's why you guys are where you are I'm not even joking and I and I'm I saw you guys in dick's sporting goods the other day oh yeah I'm like that fucking brain that's a that's a once-in-a-lifetime brain you guys and you guys are have a beautiful collective here of brilliant fucking people it's a combination of like yeah brilliant chaos and then a lot of weirdos a lot of weirdos weirdos are great you gotta love weirdos

Speaker 6 yeah I mean there's so many companies out there that almost exclusively hire non-weirdos They do everything that they can in their process to make sure that no weirdos are working at like an ESPN or like a Fox Sports.

Speaker 6 People love fucking watching weirdos. They put advice.

Speaker 1 Dude, dude,

Speaker 1 weirdos, bad ideas are, like, I love, this one guy's hit me up because I have a thing, we did a thing on Two Bears that I love original ideas. I love original ideas, ideas you never heard.

Speaker 1 And this guy, one guy who was like, dude.

Speaker 1 May not be a

Speaker 1 best idea. I got two dishwashers in my house.
And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, who the fuck? I just load one up and then I have one empty.

Speaker 1 So when I load the other one up, I put two dishwashers in my house because of this fucking guy that wrote in, I put two dishwashers in my house. Changed your life? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't do dishes, but my wife won't.

Speaker 1 All right, Bert. Thank you so much for stopping by.
Hey, everyone, anytime you guys are in L.A., please come do my podcast. Yes, absolutely.
And if you're in Austin, we always need guest bears.

Speaker 1 So, like, because

Speaker 2 so if you're ever in Austin.

Speaker 1 How often are you down in Austin? Once a month. Okay.
Yeah. Once a month.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I used to live there. I go back every chance I can get.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I appreciate this. It is, I'm telling you, thank you very much for having me on.
Yes. Thank you for coming on.
Love to having you on. Fuck yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 1 All right. Thanks to Burt Crow.
Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 18 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht.
And the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 18 Sebastian Maniscalco, it ain't right. Premieres November 21st.
Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 So let's do it. Where are we at?

Speaker 7 All right. So we had 20 from the opening weekend.
I'm still missing a bunch, but we're at 29 right now. I think the last 30 to 60 seconds will be the final four.
Okay.

Speaker 7 So I'm saving a lot for the back end there.

Speaker 1 Question.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Have you factored in the possibility of them just dedicating it solely to Coach K if they win?

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 6 Just a spotlight on Coach K on the corner.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. If it's just his whole career.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. I fucking hate you, Hank.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 That was actually, I think that was first reported by Frank Fleming.

Speaker 1 He did say that over the weekend. But yeah, I think.
Oh, then I'm not feeling bad about that.

Speaker 1 I mean, Frank has.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm okay.
It's a good idea.

Speaker 1 Frank has Coach K coaching the Lakers. LeBron's there.
Steph Curry just got traded there.

Speaker 1 Giannis is there. Kevin Durant.

Speaker 7 They're all there. Given the storylines of this year's Final Four, it's going to be Final Four heavy this year.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Elite Eight didn't have it.
I mean, we had the cheerleader again.

Speaker 7 That cheerleader is on there. We have this lucky miss, unlucky miss in Gonzaga, Arkansas.
It went over the back.

Speaker 1 of the rim. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 That's going to be in there. Yeah.
Yeah, that's for sure.

Speaker 7 This is definitely going to be on there. The cool jump up by St.

Speaker 1 Peter's Matthew Lee.

Speaker 6 How much St. Peter's is going to factor into this? Because they've got to have Doug in there at some point, too, right?

Speaker 7 Yeah, Doug hitting a three will be on there. I also had St.
Peter's, Purdue missing the buzzer beater.

Speaker 1 Do you think that they'll have Jaden Ivey opting out of the Sweet 16? Because

Speaker 7 they missed that shot.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 part of it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Interview heavy. There were some good interviews this weekend.

Speaker 7 First up, Shaheen Holloway, and then the players coming over to greet him.

Speaker 1 I loved that. I loved that interview.
That was awesome.

Speaker 6 That was fucking awesome. You know what a red flag about Doug is, though? Doug says that he doesn't like sandwiches.
How can you say you don't like sandwiches? That's ridiculous.

Speaker 6 Everybody's got a sandwich.

Speaker 1 Maybe he just likes wings. He's sponsored by Buffalo Wild.

Speaker 6 Yeah, well, they also have delicious sandwiches there and more.

Speaker 7 And he's good at apologizing, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he did apologize to you. Right.

Speaker 7 Nice guy. Caleb Love Heat Check towards the end of the UCLA game.
He won that game for him.

Speaker 1 Awesome. Awesome game.

Speaker 1 That game was

Speaker 1 why this tournament is so brutal. UCLA was winning that game and had it for 90% of the game.
And then Caleb Love just went nuclear for the last three minutes.

Speaker 1 And it was like, oh, now you're going home.

Speaker 7 Absolutely. The Arkansas cheerleader.

Speaker 1 Guarantee.

Speaker 1 Indiana. Yep.

Speaker 3 Again, today.

Speaker 1 Shalen Williams taking a charge.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I like that. Those old women with the hog smell good shirts.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Those are great.

Speaker 6 So the Williams thing, that was crazy. I didn't realize that he wears special pads to allow allow him to be able to take charges more efficiently.

Speaker 1 He's SEC Brad Davis.

Speaker 6 That's crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was incredible. He just also had this ability.
He just would just like, he almost, it was like watching the, you know, that clip of Miles Garrett where he like basically teleports through the hole.

Speaker 1 That's what Jalen Williams would do. He would, he would be not, he wouldn't be there, and then all of a sudden he'd just be underneath someone getting a charge.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Tonight's Hubert Davis interview. Emotional.
Tot seat.

Speaker 7 Not by me. By our podcast.
Team Sport. I'll take the heat for it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Antoni Bennett.

Speaker 6 Team Sport. We're going to get one definitely of Manic

Speaker 6 headbanging and his mane just flowing in the air.

Speaker 1 Yeah, him hitting a three.

Speaker 7 I think I had that last week. Yep.

Speaker 1 But yeah, he keeps hitting the threes.

Speaker 7 What a second half by Kansas today. David McCormick's and one I have on there when he went crazy.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 7 47-15 second half, I think it was.

Speaker 1 Insane.

Speaker 7 Crazy.

Speaker 7 Villanova players going over Justin Moore after they won.

Speaker 7 Couldn't get up. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Helped him on the bench.

Speaker 7 And then, yeah, the Jaden Ivy missed, and St. Peter's the first Elite Eight team, 15-seed to go to the Elite Eight.

Speaker 1 Crazy. Unreal run.

Speaker 7 Also, we had this debate on our post-game show. I'm interested to hear your thoughts because I was outnumbered in this one.
Bigger upset. St.
Peter's over Kentucky, UMBC over Virginia.

Speaker 6 UNBC versus 16-1.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Because I was outnumbered there.

Speaker 2 That's what I said. What?

Speaker 7 There's been like 10-15s over at 2.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But I get worked up.

Speaker 1 They both said 15 over St. Peter's over 10.

Speaker 1 These are the same guys that put Huber Davis on the hot seat?

Speaker 6 Jake, how do you do it?

Speaker 1 I don't even know what that argument is.

Speaker 8 It's not an argument.

Speaker 1 That's the most recency biased argument I've ever heard.

Speaker 6 I think they're making the argument because we're

Speaker 6 tennis coach Cal. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I think there's some Jersey City.

Speaker 1 Right. I understand it's a blue blood, but 15 over a one, it's a one-time thing.

Speaker 7 15 over a two is like seven or eight times.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Lehigh. Jersey City.
Over Duke. Yeah.

Speaker 7 I think it's not even a debate. They said maybe 60, 40.
I'll tweet out the poll right now.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 that's an insane.

Speaker 7 I said new NBC over Virginia, and I was numbers.

Speaker 6 I think sometimes your co-hosts on the podcast. I don't know how they function in real life.
I feel like they walk around on their heads. Just like seeing the world completely upside down sometimes.

Speaker 1 Man, I'm sorry, Jake. That's brutal.

Speaker 1 I love them. Oh, I love them too.

Speaker 6 I love them, but they are insane clinically.

Speaker 1 I guess.

Speaker 6 You know who should host that show instead of you would be Emmanuel Acho.

Speaker 1 I think they would, the three of them.

Speaker 6 Oh, by the way, he asked somebody, he proactively asked somebody to reach out to me to ask me to block him, which I did not do. And then he blocked me too.
So now I lost one of my Carson Wentz stands.

Speaker 6 So I'm looking actively for a new psychopath to stand Carson Wentz with me.

Speaker 1 Emmanuel Acho,

Speaker 1 just be ready, man, because Content Kim is coming after you.

Speaker 6 I still have her Twitter account from when we did Sling Sleepers, so that will be my burner. I've been firing my burner at him all cylinders.

Speaker 1 Jake, great job. Thank you.

Speaker 1 All ends in New Orleans. So excited.
Man, what a tournament.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I'm excited to be there with you guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You've never been to a Final Four.

Speaker 7 I have been to a Final Four. I have a sad story to share.

Speaker 1 I told you this. Oh, wait.
What? I told you this. Okay, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's not that sad.
Okay.

Speaker 7 Yeah. So 2016, I was a sophomore.

Speaker 1 You told me someone died and I forgot.

Speaker 7 No, just like bummer. Yeah, yeah.
2016, Syracuse. I was a sophomore at Syracuse.
They made the Final Four as a 10th seed. Went down to Houston.
They got smoked by UNC.

Speaker 1 I was there. Oh, were you? Yeah.
Me and Caleb.

Speaker 7 Oh, that's awesome.

Speaker 7 And I went back to school. I missed the greatest championship shot ever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's a totally normal thing.

Speaker 7 A lot of fans leave when their team lose, but it's like, I'm regretting it.

Speaker 1 In 2014, I left. After Kentucky beat Wisconsin.

Speaker 7 Fair, but knowing you missed the greatest shot ever.

Speaker 1 I think you'll make up for it this time. The Final Four is great, too.
It's like just middle-aged white dudes walking around in sweatpants for three days.

Speaker 7 And a lot of lawyers. Yeah, a lot of lawyers.

Speaker 6 Well, yeah, because if you want to get down there, you have to have a lot of money to be able to get in the building. So it's guys that are,

Speaker 6 they will party.

Speaker 6 Lawyers.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Billy, very important.

Speaker 1 Where are we at?

Speaker 12 So we're not in the, we're not, it could be way worse being that there'd be no positive scenarios in the final four.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if we lost all our money, right, that would be.

Speaker 6 So it's about 50-50.

Speaker 12 Kansas and UNC, if they win at all, they come out positive. So we would have made money.
We'd be up $651 if UNC won. We'd be up $31 if Kansas won.

Speaker 1 It's money.

Speaker 12 And then Duke and Villanova are both we'd be down a K.

Speaker 1 We'd be down a K. Duke or Villanova won.

Speaker 6 So one thing we didn't have.

Speaker 1 Did you only bet a K of it?

Speaker 12 Right, so I have 600 left for this exact scenario.

Speaker 1 I think we got to let it ride on something.

Speaker 12 Yeah, so I'm thinking. I got to parlay.

Speaker 1 I was thinking perfect segue, but yeah.

Speaker 12 I'm thinking parlaying Duke and Villanova because if both of them win, then we're going to be in total.

Speaker 12 Both are negative scenarios, so we got to load up something on the screen.

Speaker 6 So we'll have something to root for in the championship.

Speaker 1 Wait, right.

Speaker 6 Now, something we haven't discussed yet, though, is we probably should. That's on us for giving you the money, then not talking to you.
I'm going to give you back the money.

Speaker 6 What the payment plan was on it. So,

Speaker 6 yeah, what percentage of the profits, if any, are we expected to give to you guys?

Speaker 12 I'm just going to give it all back to you guys.

Speaker 1 Okay. That's cool.

Speaker 6 And I'll match

Speaker 6 to myself. I'll match the portion to myself.

Speaker 1 I'm also going to say what we should do, whatever amount we're left with. Wait, fuck.
Do they do...

Speaker 1 Do they change how the women's Final Four goes? Now it's Sunday night, not Tuesday night?

Speaker 7 It's usually the night after.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty pretty sure they should double check, though. I was going to say we should take all the money and let it ride on the women's championship.
Give a little shine to the ladies. That'd be nice.

Speaker 1 Yep. I'm down.

Speaker 12 For a second, I thought you were going to ask me to make a whole new spreadsheet for the women's championship.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's exactly what I want.

Speaker 1 I know they changed it. April 3rd, which I believe is

Speaker 1 Tuesday. Oh.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Sunday.

Speaker 1 They changed it. Yeah, yeah.
All right, so we'll have to make a decision on Sunday morning, Billy.

Speaker 1 You'll have to talk about it, and you're going to be still in New Jersey, so you'll be able to place a bet.

Speaker 12 Okay. Thank God St.
Peter's didn't win because I wouldn't have been able to put a future bet on it in the first place because of New Jersey. Yeah.

Speaker 6 So that would have been really bad. So,

Speaker 6 okay.

Speaker 1 Because I had $5 on St.

Speaker 12 Peter's

Speaker 1 future to win it all when I was outside of New Jersey. They also, I think I saw a lot of books because when you bet on New Jersey, in New Jersey, you can't bet on New Jersey teams.

Speaker 1 So they'll have like title odds excluding, like your bet is void if a New Jersey team wins, and it only had excluding Rutgers and Seton Hall.

Speaker 1 If they forgot to put it in St. Peter's.

Speaker 6 What if they did in the Final Four, who do you think is going to win?

Speaker 6 Duke, UNC,

Speaker 6 or I guess it would be Duke, Villanova, Kansas, or the field. And then the field would just be literally St.
Peter's. Could you get away with that, I wonder?

Speaker 1 No, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Pretty stupid laws.

Speaker 6 So we're rooting for UNC? Yes, hard.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 12 Until I got to put something together to try to get some better situations for Duke and Villanova.

Speaker 1 Okay. You let us know how it goes, and then we will, after Saturday night, we'll make a decision on what we're going to do with the women's championship game on Sunday night, even though we'll

Speaker 1 have a good picture of where we're at.

Speaker 1 So, Hank, that leads you. Leads us to you.
You're hot. I'm hot.

Speaker 4 I'll give a quick, just a quick backstory because you're very involved in this, too.

Speaker 4 I did have a good hungry dog season. I took my money out.
I hadn't been really gambling much.

Speaker 4 So in the beginning of this tournament, on Thursday, I deposited three grand after like a million bets over the weekend. I think I was up to 4,500.

Speaker 4 You texted me to take Houston Sunday night at like 2 a.m.

Speaker 1 Did that. This was Houston versus Arizona.

Speaker 4 Houston versus Arizona. Yeah, this is before the Sweet 16.

Speaker 4 So I did that. And then I think I had like $3,600 left after that Houston Moneyline bet and St.
Peter's for 500. I had 3,500 left.
I said, fuck it. Big cat's doing game of the year.

Speaker 4 I'm going to put all of that on Duke minus four. So all three of those bets hit.
I was feeling good about myself. Big Cat had the game of the year.
I felt good about the game of the year myself.

Speaker 4 I understood his logic, Miami versus Iowa State.

Speaker 4 Easy. I took everything that I was up, put that on Miami.
So that was, that was, yeah, it was responsible. It was winnings.
I was taking my winnings, and

Speaker 4 I love the bet. So that was six grand to win $11,000.
And then me and Big Cat were texting again on

Speaker 4 Friday night. And I was like, dude, I love UNC.
There's no way that they're going to let, you know, NCAA wants Duke and UNC bad.

Speaker 4 And Big Hat was like, well, then Duke Moneyline, UNC Moneyline is the pick. That went off in my head.
It clicked. It sparked something in my mind.

Speaker 4 On Saturday, I drove to Pennsylvania, like an hour away, just so I could put this bet in.

Speaker 1 You can't bet on the UNC St. Peter's game.

Speaker 4 Yeah, Yeah, so I bet that 11 grand, the tobacco road tsunami, that hit. So now I'm up a shit ton, and I'm just trying to figure out what my next move is.

Speaker 4 I'm thinking about taking some out, maybe booking a vacation or a summer house or something. Typical.
But part of me, well, yeah, obviously, you got to do something with it.

Speaker 4 Otherwise, Hank, you're not young anymore.

Speaker 6 You shouldn't be booking summer houses.

Speaker 4 You got to

Speaker 4 make it worth it. Otherwise, it's like if you just keep it on the sports book, there's no reason.
But

Speaker 4 I'm thinking the Celtics are like the hottest team in the NBA right now. Best defense, best offense.
Duke, Celtics, championship future.

Speaker 6 Okay, so for a lot.

Speaker 6 I don't mind the fact that you're out here trying some crazy shit, taking risks because it's been paying off for you. I don't love the fact that you're going cross-sports here.

Speaker 6 I don't like that you could get.

Speaker 1 It's a brotherhood. It's all connected.
Brotherhood.

Speaker 6 Jason Tatum. And then you'll have to wait for your next winner.

Speaker 1 Well, I have a lot to play with.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't put yeah 28 grand on it the scary thing is if duke doesn't win at all then you basically don't have your celtics future that's true but that's not you know that's not gonna happen come on

Speaker 1 i mean okay

Speaker 4 well let's think what what would the nca rigged bet be i think it would probably be kansas and duke moneyline i agree that's the can't lose parlay that that that does so do that i think i well i have i i can mess around a little bit i do want to do one whale play for for you know next weekend to keep the people going.

Speaker 6 I mean, the ultimate NCAA rigged parlay would be Duke Moneyline, Kansas Moneyline, and Future on Duke winning the Natty.

Speaker 1 Or Duke Moneyline, Kansas Moneyline, Future on Celtics winning the championship. 1,000 pays 23.

Speaker 4 Wait, on Duke Moneyline, Kansas Moneyline, and Celtics Championship?

Speaker 1 Yeah, 5,000 pays $115,000. That's it.

Speaker 6 When we're talking about these big, anytime I see something like over 20 grand in an account, I just think that's a car. Yeah.
You should get a car.

Speaker 4 Or somewhere else.

Speaker 1 All right, well,

Speaker 1 this won't blow up in face. Champagne face.
No, yeah, no, no, no. So this won't blow up in your face.
I'm now feeling a lot more confident about UNC. This is what I needed.
I needed some ridiculous.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 Hank is great when he's using his logic, not when he's doing this.

Speaker 6 Well, no, what we're dealing with right now is like dangerously confident, Hank. Right.
It's a terrible. Yeah, yeah, that half little smile smile that hank patriots hank has joined the chat yeah

Speaker 1 i tried to tell you i was hank you guys are texting me i tried to share these bets with you pft was like no i'm taking arkansas i was like that is the dumbest thing you could do i tried to i tried to tell you there was a great moment good i hit st peter's money line i had i had some cash burns in my pocket there was a great moment on saturday night pft when hank and marty their duke was up like 20 and they're like people just hate us and marty's like oh because i'm a yankees and duke fan and and and hank's like yeah i'm I'm a Patriots and Duke fan I was like oh my god these guys

Speaker 6 so no I mean I kind of went through this a little bit during football season with Hank but the fact that all his teams are so good like yeah I've just kind of accepted the fact that there's something Hank is a winner Hank personally wins winning he wins things all the time yeah no this is gonna be and I think it's a testament to Hank it's not about the Patriots it's not about coach K I would bet on Hank yeah if there was like an ability to bet on a better Hank I'm taking Hank moneyline Yeah.

Speaker 1 I won't let you down. I wouldn't let you down.
Think about it. We've gotten this whole thing.
Like we talked about Coach K's farewell tour. This has all been leading up to Hank.

Speaker 1 Like Hank is going to New Orleans.

Speaker 1 He's now a suit, so he gets to stay in the suite and everything. He's director of content.
He gets everything he wants.

Speaker 6 He's vice president.

Speaker 1 He's going to actually be able to trade business cards with Dookies on Bourbon Street at like 4 a.m. But this is all leading up to Hank's the best weekend of Hank's life.

Speaker 1 And he's going to get to watch watch his team and his coach cut down the nets and walk away. And it's funny.

Speaker 4 And we know how fun it is to celebrate a championship on Bourbon Street.

Speaker 1 We do it. I feel like Duke fans probably will be a little bit more.
They'll be doing their taxes because it is close to April 15th. I mean, I got to get to sleep.

Speaker 6 What we saw last time was LSU winning a national championship in New Orleans.

Speaker 6 Yeah, this is probably going to be crazier, Duke, for sure.

Speaker 1 I was going to say something that I'm not going to say because it wasn't going to be a good thing. Daniel Jones will be out in the middle.
I think it's going to be a lot of trouble.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say what I was going to say.

Speaker 6 Daniel Jones and Bates having like half a hand grenade and and then going to sleep.

Speaker 1 Dude, don't let Bates Jones get hot. Coach K needs to play him more.

Speaker 6 Grant Hill having

Speaker 6 half of a T and falling asleep. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm fucking gymnast. Who will Gymnants give his tie to? Because Duke doesn't have any seniors because they'd already take him to Coach K if they went in.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It is. This is torture.
Am I wrong, though? No, you're not. This is torture.

Speaker 6 It's Coach K.

Speaker 1 This is absolute torture.

Speaker 6 He's probably going to give it to Coach K's grandson.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's possible.

Speaker 7 Or Mickey.

Speaker 6 Be like, here, give this to your driver that your grandfather's purchasing.

Speaker 1 See, Coach K, please don't take a picture. He's so sick of all this attention.
It's not about him. This is going to be sickening.
Please, UNC. I bought so much UNC gear.
I just need them so bad.

Speaker 1 I need them so, so bad. Let's go for six.

Speaker 1 Oh, you motherfucker.

Speaker 1 13.

Speaker 1 66. 25.

Speaker 6 11.

Speaker 1 6 and 8.

Speaker 1 Nice pick, bro.

Speaker 1 72. Did we just have some back-to-back? Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Damn. PMT rigged.
Love you guys. Damn.

Speaker 12 People in India wear masks on the back of their head to make sure that tigers don't sneak up on them.

Speaker 1 Love you guys.

Speaker 6 Libs.

Speaker 6 Pretty soon Fauci's going to have us doing that here, too.

Speaker 1 Rex Chapman teach you that one?

Speaker 1 Locker charge. This guy in India got eaten by a tiger because he didn't have his mask on.

Speaker 1 Talking away.

Speaker 1 Though I don't know what

Speaker 1 to say, I'm saying it is way.

Speaker 1 Today's another day.

Speaker 1 Shy it away.

Speaker 1 I've been coming for your love of me.

Speaker 1 Shy it away.

Speaker 1 I've been coming for your love of me.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 on.

Speaker 1 I'll be

Speaker 1 gone.

Speaker 1 Needless to say.

Speaker 1 I won't say it's, but I'll be stirring it away.

Speaker 1 Tell me that life is okay.

Speaker 1 Say I'm to me.

Speaker 1 It's not better to be safe and sorry.

Speaker 1 Say unto me.

Speaker 1 It's not better to be safe and sorry.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on me.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 up.

Speaker 1 I'll be

Speaker 1 gone.

Speaker 1 But I do

Speaker 1 have things that that stay

Speaker 1 easy loudness.

Speaker 1 Just to play my words away.

Speaker 1 You're all things I've got to remember.

Speaker 1 You're shy and away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 You're shy and away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 on.

Speaker 1 I'll be

Speaker 1 gone

Speaker 1 in a day