March Madness Day 1, Coach Frank Martin And NFL Free Agency

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Speaker 1 Welcome to Pardon My Take. Today is Monday, March 28th, and the Blue Blood Invitational is set.
The final four is ready to go. The Holy War, Duke vs.
UNC, Kansas and Villanova, we're there.

Speaker 1 It's going to be an all-time weekend in New Orleans.

Speaker 4 This might be the best final four.

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Speaker 1 That's so mean.

Speaker 7 That's fucked, Hank.

Speaker 1 That's a dookie for you, though.

Speaker 1 They thumb their their nose at everyone else, state school.

Speaker 4 Yeah, exactly. It's like, okay, safety school.

Speaker 4 Hank could have gotten there with his eyes closed. Yeah,

Speaker 1 Hank got a full academic scholarship to NC State, turned it down. I do think, though, that

Speaker 4 if UNC, and it's interesting, like everyone's going to say, oh, these two teams have never played before in the NCAA tournament. Have you heard that one yet? Wait, what?

Speaker 4 No, that's first reported by us on Part of By Take. First time, you must credit.

Speaker 4 If you see anybody saying that this is the first time they're playing in the history of the tournament, that stat actually came from us initially.

Speaker 4 I think that we're in a position where if UNC wins, that would be an all-time vindication for Roy Williams being a better head coach than Coach K.

Speaker 4 Not only all the stats that we've laid out before you showing what Roy Williams has done since he got to Carolina at that same time period against Coach K's teams, but if Roy Williams picked the perfect time to walk away and his hand-chosen successor beat Coach K, who stuck around for a year-long suck fest, only to have the most talented team in college basketball that ended up losing to Roy Williams' handpick successor after he walked away with no retirement suck fest.

Speaker 4 I think that's another feather in the cap for Roy.

Speaker 1 He also, though, has, it could go the other way for him.

Speaker 1 UNC could lose, and Kansas could win it all, and then Bill Self, he already has a better resume of Kansas than Roy Williams did, but it would be like a total dunk on of his resume of Kansas versus Roy Williams.

Speaker 4 I'd be fine with that. Yeah, he was a better Kansas coach than Roy Williams.
Roy Williams was better in the state of North Carolina than Coach Coach K.

Speaker 1 So I, you know, this is going to be, on a personal level, this is, I would imagine, my, the biggest game of my life where neither of my teams have anything to do with it.

Speaker 1 I was trying to think about it, like, obviously a big Packers playoff game or LeBron in the finals, but this is,

Speaker 1 it's everything you love about sports because I, like, if UNC wins, it will be one of the best nights ever.

Speaker 7 Again, without my team involved.

Speaker 1 If Duke wins, it couldn't be more of a storybook

Speaker 1 ride for Coach K. He's already, I've already admitted some defeat because getting to the final four is like his farewell tour has worked.

Speaker 1 And I also just want to say, Hank, I feel for Coach K at this point in the farewell tour.

Speaker 1 He had a quote on Wednesday where he said, it wears on you a little bit because everywhere you walk, everyone is taking a picture of you and they're watching everything.

Speaker 1 And I just like, this poor guy. Everyone's trying to take a picture of him on this tour that he announced 10 months ago.
I never saw this come.

Speaker 4 That was never the idea. Never.

Speaker 1 Ever. It was all about the players all the time.

Speaker 1 So, Coach K living in a fishbowl here, again, after announcing his retirement tour 10 months ago and then making everyone suck him off for 10 months straight, I feel bad for him.

Speaker 1 His penis is probably tired, Hank. He's been sucked dry.
Yeah. And he's still got five more tools.

Speaker 5 There's only so much you can produce.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 this is monumental. I am very, very nervous for this weekend because it's all.
I spent all day Saturday.

Speaker 8 Maybe my favorite,

Speaker 5 the best Twitter Big Hat's performance, ever had.

Speaker 8 Me finished Saturday. It was like porn.

Speaker 1 I made myself sick.

Speaker 4 I made myself sick on Saturday.

Speaker 4 Were you Durham Dan?

Speaker 1 I was. I was Dookie Dan.
I ended up Saturday night having a splitting headache because I spent all day Saturday looking up obscure Coach Kfax and tweeting about how he was already in the Final Four.

Speaker 1 I even had Quigs and Memes work up a Photoshop that I pretended that Duke deleted a tweet and everyone thought it was real. So I had to actually be like, yo, wait, this isn't real.

Speaker 4 Wait, what tweet was it?

Speaker 1 It was congrats on your 13th Final Four from the Duke men's basketball. But like they accidentally tweeted that ahead of time.
Right before the game, I was like, okay.

Speaker 1 I spent all day trying to jinx Duke, and then right before the game, I tweeted it. It was like, guys, I'm a little nervous that Duke just jinxed this.

Speaker 1 And everyone took it as real and was like, NCAA rigged.

Speaker 1 You're telling me this isn't already set.

Speaker 4 Did you get reported for misinformation?

Speaker 1 I don't know, but I know.

Speaker 4 This account has been flagged.

Speaker 1 I know that I looked at the quote tweets after like 10 minutes and everyone was like, this shit is so rigged, they already fucking know they're in the final four.

Speaker 4 That would have been very funny if Big Cat and the Babylon Bee were the two people out there fighting to get back onto Twitter.

Speaker 1 It was, yeah, so

Speaker 1 it's been a hellacious time. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm getting dunked on by Grayson Allen on Thursday night, which I, there's an extra special thing that sucks that happens is when I get dunked on, and I retweet it because, you know, I deserve to get dunked on.

Speaker 1 I went game of the year on Texas Tech. It didn't work out.
I always will eat my humble pie when things blow up in my face, but I retweeted it.

Speaker 1 And then two seconds later, I see Henry Lockwood retweeted it because he saw me retweet it.

Speaker 4 But it was a different retweet that was not in the spirit of good fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and he saw me retweet it. So he then spite retweeted in my face.
No, it was a great.

Speaker 1 thank you for bringing this to my attention.

Speaker 4 What you did was targeted harassment.

Speaker 1 Correct. No, yeah, no, yeah, that's exactly.

Speaker 4 When Big Cat did it, it was like, oh, I can joke about myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like I was like, you do emotion.

Speaker 5 It's like, well, you know, we're in a sports podcast when he's major sports.

Speaker 1 These athletes are.

Speaker 4 Is he the first person that has ever been dunked on by Grayson Allen?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 he's thrown down.

Speaker 5 The other one yesterday that it came out of Spider, came out of this joking phrase, but the bear, Chris Falica, replied to one of your tweets

Speaker 5 talking about how they're going to win, go to the Final Four already before the game. He said, today they will beat Arkansas, which beat them in 1994 title game.

Speaker 5 He will avenge loss to UNC in final game of Cameron, and then he will beat Kansas in title game.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 5 Wins his last game and last title versus the same team he beat for his first title game.

Speaker 4 It is laid out like a storybook.

Speaker 1 But let me also say that. I almost cried.
It's kind of crazy.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 NCAA resting. That is crazy because fucking Coach K has been coaching for 200 fucking years.
Of course, he's played every team in the tournament. The guy won't fucking give up a job just like he did.

Speaker 1 Three in a row.

Speaker 8 Three in a row is beautiful.

Speaker 5 A team that you lost to, a team that you lost

Speaker 1 to the championship.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, I guess that too. Who do they beat in the

Speaker 4 Fullerton? Yeah, Fullerton.

Speaker 4 There's probably somebody's, find me that storyline out there that somehow connects Coach K to Cal State Fullerton.

Speaker 5 Jake's going to talk about running out of loads.

Speaker 1 He's going to come

Speaker 1 every single time. Did you see some of the connections I made last night?

Speaker 4 I do want to see, though, Jake, that'll be a good project for you. Figure out, because that's going to be a missing piece.

Speaker 4 Somebody will be able to connect a dot on every single one of Coach K's victories this March Madness, except Fullerton.

Speaker 1 So if you have that extra luck on it, PFT, I did this as a joke yesterday, and I made myself so fucking sick doing it because I found some insane stats. So, Coach, I don't know why I'm repeating this.

Speaker 1 It's again, it makes me want to fucking jump in front of a bus, but Coach K,

Speaker 1 the site that has held the most Final Fours in his career since he'd been at Duke is the Superdome. Yet he never has been to a Final Four in the Superdome.

Speaker 1 He even had a stretch where he went to seven out of nine Final Fours. The two that he didn't go during that stretch were in the Superdome.
And one of them was won by Bobby Knight, his mentor.

Speaker 1 The other was won by Dean Smith in the UNC in 93. Wow.
Also,

Speaker 1 the one that made me really sick is he has made the Final Four from every region except the West. He finally did that last night.

Speaker 4 He completed the perfect bracket. Even though he wanted to be in the Midwest.

Speaker 1 Yes. All these stats.
He beats John Wooden with the most final fours. It's just, it's sickening.
And there's a documentary camera.

Speaker 1 But again, this is what is great about sports because Saturday night is nuts on the table. Lungs, liver, stomach, heart, brain, everything is on the table for this game.
It's Duke Carolina.

Speaker 1 Have they ever met in the tournament?

Speaker 4 Let me look it up. No, they actually haven't.
So despite the fact that they've combined for 36 36 Final Fours, they've never met in the NCAA tournament.

Speaker 4 Off the top of my head, I think Kentucky and Marquette have met the most with 10. Wow.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 everything is in there. Everything is in there.
Like, if UNC wins this game, it will be devastation for Duke.

Speaker 1 And if Duke wins this game, it will be like the loss, his last loss in Cameron doesn't count. I know this.

Speaker 1 And the worst part is, like, on a purely basketball standpoint, Duke's playing fucking unbelievable. Like, I'll admit it.
They are playing lights out basketball.

Speaker 1 They are so goddamn good on the offensive side of the ball.

Speaker 1 And, like, everyone that they needed, because I've unfortunately spent enough time around Hank and Rico and Marty that I know all the players on Duke.

Speaker 1 Like, all the guys they were complaining about in January are playing their balls off now.

Speaker 4 No, they're a fun team. Like, I don't know shit about college basketball.
They're not fun.

Speaker 4 And from when I started watching them, the first game, I actually saw them that tip-off game against Kentucky. I checked in with Duke a few times over the course of the year.

Speaker 1 they seem like they have the best team when everybody's like when when you have bancaro roach and keels all playing well at the same time i don't roach is the one i don't think that you can stop them they hate they hated roach in january they thought mark williams couldn't do anything in january mark williams is awesome now these guys are like all-stars oh also i just thought of this i popped in my head because you mentioned that first game uh didn't kentucky win that game Did they beat Duke?

Speaker 1 No, Duke won. No, Duke won.
I know Kentucky kicked the shit out of Kansas, so that's got to hurt to know that you beat the fuck out of a team that is in the Final Four.

Speaker 4 I will also be claiming this Duke National Championship on behalf of Northern Virginia because they have two guys that went to school at Chantilly. Like right down the street.

Speaker 4 This is a Nova championship.

Speaker 1 And actually, you know what?

Speaker 4 Think about this, Baguette. If they beat UNC, they get to the championship game, wouldn't it be sweeter to see Coach K go out losing in the national champions on the biggest possible stage?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. That would be awesome.
But again, I'm running out of time. I've done everything.
I went game of the year on his ass. I went fucking reverse and Dookie Dan on his ass all day.

Speaker 1 Made me want to kill myself.

Speaker 1 Now I'm going to put him in the CLP. I'm running out of bullets.
I don't know what else to do.

Speaker 1 It's going to happen. I've kind of come to terms with the fact that, like,

Speaker 1 it's probably going to happen. And we leave the room.

Speaker 1 No, it's going to make me so, so, a part of me will die. A part of me will die when Coach K

Speaker 1 cuts down the Nets one last time and I have to watch it and I'm just like, how could, and then they're going to put out the documentary, and I'm going to watch the documentary because I have to, because I have to find the points when he's being an egomaniac and a piece of shit and clip that post.

Speaker 4 So you don't think he's going to be the one that has final cut of that?

Speaker 1 But I don't think he can, I don't think he knows how fucking ridiculous he is when he's like, I'm just sick of everyone taking pictures of me and making this about me. Like, he has no self-awareness.

Speaker 4 No, I hope they include the part where he told Paolo Bancara to shut up last night on the court. That was something.
Yeah. He came out there.

Speaker 4 He was just like, this is the goat right here. Which, by the way, I still think John Wooden is a goat.

Speaker 1 He cheated, but so did Coach K.

Speaker 4 Everybody cheated. Yes.
Oh, by the way, I figured out why I say Wooten. I was watching the games with my dad last night.
We were talking about the best coaches.

Speaker 4 He incessantly refers to John Wooden as John Wooten. Yeah.
Which is, I guess that's like a regional dialect that I picked up from him.

Speaker 1 Just the region just being your home? Yeah, no, it's

Speaker 4 as Bruce Salon would say,

Speaker 4 the McLean accent that he's got that throws off. But yeah,

Speaker 4 Paolo Banquiro is on the court being like, this is the GOAT. And Coach K, what does he say? He doesn't say, oh, thanks, that's so nice.
Or this is my favorite player. No, Paolo, you're the GOAT.

Speaker 4 No, he says, shut the fuck up and get off the camera.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up. Go get another vodka soda.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 I have the Cal State Fullerton potential connection.

Speaker 6 It was their first time ever playing each other, but on the date they played each other, Mike Truszewski was introduced as Duke's head coach on that date in 1980.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
Wait, that was when?

Speaker 6 When they played Cal State Fullerton.

Speaker 1 Was the last time? Wait, oh, that was it. Got it.
Got it. Got it.

Speaker 1 That Superdome stat was crazy. Yeah, it fucking makes me so sick.

Speaker 4 I got to do some research on the Superdome and figure out exactly what

Speaker 4 the play is going to be for the over-unders in these final four games.

Speaker 4 Some football stadiums are good for points, some are really bad for points.

Speaker 1 Well, over-unders are on, the unders are on an 11-1 streak right now in the Sweet 16 Elite Eight. So that was this Elite Eight was exactly why I said this to start the tournament.

Speaker 1 I want upsets early, favorites late. And I'm not even going to blame the great run by St.
Peter's or the great run by Miami or even like Arkansas, who stunned Gonzaga.

Speaker 1 I'm going to blame the guys who lost. Gonzaga, like, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Kentucky, fuck you. Auburn, fuck you.
Like, you guys ruined the Elite Eight for everyone else.

Speaker 4 Tennessee, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you ruined it for everyone else. So St.
Peter's, that was, we all knew it was going to end. When it was going to end, it was going to end very badly.

Speaker 1 And that was, I mean, it was never even close.

Speaker 4 We always say, like, if a team pulls off that upset 99 times out of 100 unc wins this game yeah this was one of the 99 times yeah and also also uh

Speaker 4 no one hated that game more than matt painter because he was watching that game being like wait what a what this wasn't this what what's happening here i thought this team was really good what a bad job he did that purdue did against them like you have you've got them outsized you've got them you've got one of the best players in the entire country and then you just show up and you get dominated by guys that probably position to position you were probably four to five inches short of them across the board.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 That was a really bad game plan that they had. Also, St.
Peter's hit a lot of good shots in that game, but

Speaker 4 the slipper is off of the Peacocks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and we should at least mention, because I think, unfortunately, for Nova and Kansas fans, they're basically in the back seat for this Final Four, even though they are Blue Bloods and have

Speaker 1 incredible history, basketball history, and fans and everything. But

Speaker 1 this is not going to be about them.

Speaker 1 Like, trigger warning, it's not going to be about you for the next five days, six days. But Villanova, terrible that Moore got hurt.
They are the most consistent team in the country.

Speaker 1 Like, they just, everyone had Houston. Everyone had Houston.
And it's like, oh, okay, Villanova's getting points.

Speaker 1 That game was very difficult to watch, but Villanova just does it. How soon?

Speaker 4 How soon do you think until we see Nick Siriani showing up with a Villanova show?

Speaker 4 He's probably getting like a big V tattooed on his arm.

Speaker 1 He's definitely got it. And then Kansas, like, they deserve all the credit because they had the softest bracket, but guess what? They took care of business.
That second half, they skull fucked Miami.

Speaker 1 And I feel bad for Miami because they were, they did win the game of the year on Friday night, but they, that was just like, oh, okay, yeah, Kansas is really, really, really good.

Speaker 1 And Bill Self, credit to Kansas for having the situational awareness in the locker room after no one does the water on Bill Self's hair. Because he's got a toupee.
So that's very smart.

Speaker 4 It is like a pretty good toupee as far as toupees go.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but but somebody that spends that much time in front of a camera, especially with like the high angles that they have that point down on coaches, you can always tell like probably five years before a college football coach is actually going bald.

Speaker 4 You can start, you can spot it from those angles. But his toupee is

Speaker 4 a good one,

Speaker 4 but I feel like he also has to change the color of it once every like month or so because right ahead of the FBI.

Speaker 4 The rest of the hair is like going slightly gray, so he has to almost reverse just for men the toupee.

Speaker 1 But it is very funny because I noticed that, and I was like, oh, yeah, I bet you if this toupee gets wet, it won't get wet. And people were like, hey, why is this guy's hair not wet?

Speaker 1 Yeah, like it just, it just wicks off like fucking astro turf.

Speaker 4 He would look hilarious if he just went full bald. If he had like the horseshoe I'm talking like, I really just took the toupee off.

Speaker 4 I don't remember like ever seeing kind of a frumpy, just straight-up bald dude coaching a successful men's basketball team.

Speaker 1 Well, I guess

Speaker 1 Majoris wasn't frumpy. He was just a hoss.

Speaker 6 I have some little little nuggets related to your guys over. You don't know what you're going to take yet.
2012, Superdome, New Orleans, semifinals, 130, 126 championship, 126.

Speaker 1 That was, was that 35-second, though? What? 35-second shot clock? Oh, yeah. Okay, so we got

Speaker 6 a low-scoring.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's around where totals were when there was 35-second shot clock. Fair, yeah.

Speaker 6 But those are all probably under numbers.

Speaker 1 Possibly. I'll look into it.

Speaker 4 What awesome alumni do you think we're going to see down there? Do you think we can get Mark Mangino in Kansas?

Speaker 1 Whoa, Mark Mangino. But what about I mean,

Speaker 1 everyone's got to be Marty Mush?

Speaker 1 Henry Lockwood. You got the fucking best guy.
Seinfeld?

Speaker 1 Seinfeld, Adam Silver, Kevin Hart.

Speaker 1 What team will Kevin Hart? Jason Garrett?

Speaker 4 That's a big question. Kevin Hart's going to be able to get a lot of money.

Speaker 1 He's got a lot of choices.

Speaker 4 Whatever team pays him the most money. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I could see Kevin Hart showing up in any of the four colors.

Speaker 4 I could see J.B. Smooth showing up.

Speaker 5 I think it's going to be a star-studded weekend.

Speaker 1 Yeah, MJ will be there, but he's definitely going to just show up right before Tip and

Speaker 1 helicopter to his seat out.

Speaker 4 Do you think MJ goes out and parties in New Orleans? I feel like he's got probably a steakhouse or a bar that he owns and everything.

Speaker 1 He knows that there's a casualty. There is.

Speaker 5 I feel like low-key beef with MJ and Carolina, too.

Speaker 1 But he was there for the.

Speaker 8 Oh, yeah, the ceiling is the roof.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and he was also there for the finals when Villanova hit the shot.

Speaker 1 JJ Reddick already said that he's going to be there, and he's tweeted he's going to be insufferable this week. I don't know why that's a change from how he usually is.

Speaker 1 I love JJ.

Speaker 1 I hate him right now. But it's athlete.

Speaker 6 Zion's going to be back in the mix big time because he's in New Orleans.

Speaker 1 He's hosting it. Wait, do we know where he is, though?

Speaker 4 Because even his teammates don't know where he's at. Last I saw from Zion, he was practicing basketball on a court that had trample.
It was basically a slam ball court.

Speaker 4 If you watch the video, either he's so big that he makes the wood bend underneath him, or he's practicing on mini tramps to show people he can still dunk.

Speaker 1 It would be funny if he came out and, like, I know there's no coin toss, but if it was just like a pancake or something like that, Zion's just eating. It's his city.
People love him in New Orleans.

Speaker 4 You think Jameis is going to be there?

Speaker 1 No, he's training on his comeback season. Definitely.
His big-time comeback season. I'm trying to think who else.
Paul Rudd? Possibly.

Speaker 4 He's usually in the mix for sure.

Speaker 1 What's his name?

Speaker 1 Other guy?

Speaker 1 Rob Lowe. Rob Riggle? Yep.
Will be there.

Speaker 1 Kirk Heinrich.

Speaker 1 Captain Kirk. I would love to get a picture of Captain Kirk.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it should be Caleb Presley. No.
No? No. Oh, I feel like that's a good thing.

Speaker 5 I feel like that's going to change, but as of tonight, it was a no.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Mitch.

Speaker 4 Mitch should be there.

Speaker 4 Not only is he a UNC guy, but he has an enormous track record of success in that building. I believe that's where he won the MVP.

Speaker 1 It is. That's the NVP.

Speaker 4 The MVP is in the building.

Speaker 1 Yeah, MVP Mitch.

Speaker 1 I'm excited, though. This is, I don't know, Jake, you were saying some people said this is a boring Final Four.
I think this is one of the most exciting Final Fours.

Speaker 6 It's a journalist's dream.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, a bunch of families.

Speaker 1 It's boring. Yeah, it's boring.
I would say a fan's dream as well because it's, I mean, all the storylines.

Speaker 1 And I, a special fuck you, there's a group of people out there that I've noticed who are like, I don't like Duke, but you got to admit this is really cool. No.
I fucking hate those people.

Speaker 1 No, I do not. They're like, I don't like Duke, but something about Coach K going out the right way has me like feeling some way.
Okay, no, dude, shut up. Then you like Duke.
You like Duke.

Speaker 1 No, it's any sports fan. I think any rational thinking person who is a fan of sports,

Speaker 5 a fan of greatness, would feel the same way. Unless you have a personal vendetta against Coach K or Duke, which everyone is doing.

Speaker 1 There's no reason why you shouldn't.

Speaker 5 Yeah, probably because he beat all their teams. No.

Speaker 1 There's no reason why as a neutral sports fan, you don't look at the story and be like, that's awesome. All right.
Duke is binary.

Speaker 1 Duke is, if you don't have an opinion about Duke, I don't trust you as a sports fan. Either you love Duke or you hate them.
You can't be like, I don't know. I never really had an opinion about Duke.

Speaker 4 I do think, though, that this is, it's good for the conversation around it.

Speaker 4 It's exciting in the sense that everybody feels some type of way about this game that's about to happen. Yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 4 So exciting. is one thing, but it's not being like, you know, as somebody who's not a Duke fan, I'm not like pumped that Duke's going to be there.
No. I'm excited to talk about Duke being there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's fine and i'm excited for like all the trappings that go around it and getting to make fun of duke and hopefully watch duke lose there but that doesn't mean that i'm like you know what i can yeah i can put aside my emotion and just say this is making for excellent cops dude that that actually is happening right now and i just want to like give a mini speech to all of the duke haters out there that we've listened you've been tortured this guy has tortured college basketball for 40 years he's made it all about himself he's won all these titles he's gone to 13 Final Fours.

Speaker 1 He's basically just sucked up all the oxygen of college basketball. Don't let up now.

Speaker 1 We're right there. We're at the finish line.

Speaker 1 We have to close ranks. We have to have each other's back.
If you hate Duke, continue to hate Duke.

Speaker 1 Do not, like, just because fucking Mick Mickey Shyszzewski shows up looking kind of hot, don't be like, oh, Coach K, I'm feeling some kind of way about this guy.

Speaker 4 Add that to the list, Hank.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's definitely on the list. That's fine.

Speaker 1 I did have one guy being like, i could never imagine during dookie dan on saturday some guy was like coach k is one of those guys i could never imagine having sex and i just i almost threw up i as i was typing it i threw it up i was like are you kidding me dude mike k fucks like a stallion and i was like i can't believe i just retweeted this i don't think i retweeted that one too yeah i don't i don't think he he doesn't he makes love but but let's just let's just stay focused don't let anyone there's gonna be stories written about like ah i never really liked duke but you gotta admit this is really cool for coach k and like, wouldn't this be sweet?

Speaker 1 No, it would not. If you have that moment for like one second, slap yourself in the face and realize that he will have this over us forever.

Speaker 1 And we'll have to watch a documentary and Duke fans will get to talk about how it was the greatest thing ever. Duke fans have never gotten to go to New Orleans.
Like,

Speaker 1 they haven't gone to New Orleans. I don't think they shouldn't be allowed.
Yeah, no.

Speaker 4 I don't think that Duke alumni are cool enough to be in New Orleans.

Speaker 1 Do we need a lawyer this weekend?

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe they represent Tulane, like a Tulane kid that gets arrested for right drunk driving his car down bourbon street i feel really bad for bouncers on bourbon street tonight this weekend because they're going to get a lot i'm a lawyer my dad's a lawyer don't put your hands on me yeah don't get into a fight on bourbon street not for the usual reasons that you'll get your ass kicked but because you will face a tremendous lawsuit that will bankrupt you and your family i remember when on in 2015 i was talking to a bartender and they're like if duke wins we're making like a fraction of what we should be making on a final four weekend because like no one from duke's gonna party yeah so you know how when clemson Clemson goes out

Speaker 4 and their families go to different, like, different away games and they bring $2 bills with them and they put $2

Speaker 4 so that way they can show the impact that they're having on the local community. That's a real thing that Clemson does.
Yes.

Speaker 4 Duke is going to be like that, except they're just going to have a bunch of business cards that they put into every single tip container.

Speaker 1 And you're going to cease into NDAs.

Speaker 4 This is better than a tip.

Speaker 1 Just passing out NDAs to people on Bourbon Street.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's going to be rough.

Speaker 1 Keep the hate.

Speaker 1 Let the hate fuel you.

Speaker 4 Another thing to add to the NCAA rigged pile:

Speaker 4 a first-year head coach has never won a national championship. Wow.
Who is he playing against?

Speaker 1 Kevin Ollie was not first year?

Speaker 4 I don't think so. I think he might have been.
It also might have been an old article that I read earlier today.

Speaker 1 It would be great if the article was like 2010.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it could have been.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I can't remember.
I know he won very quickly after Jim Calhoun left. But how awesome.

Speaker 1 How awesome would it be?

Speaker 6 2012 to 2018.

Speaker 1 Okay, so it was 14. Yeah,

Speaker 4 how awesome would it be if Coach K got beat by a guy named Hubert? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love Hubert Davis.

Speaker 4 Hubert is such a cool name.

Speaker 1 Some podcasts put him on the hot seat this year.

Speaker 4 Not us.

Speaker 6 I mean, I'll represent the team, but it was an individual.

Speaker 1 So if you want to go down that road.

Speaker 1 I'm excited, though. This is going to be great.

Speaker 1 It's awesome.

Speaker 1 Tony Bennett and Hubert Davis both on the hot seat. By some individual.

Speaker 6 This is what we call biting your tongue.

Speaker 1 going to be in the building, right?

Speaker 4 You're going to be credentials.

Speaker 1 Coaching.

Speaker 6 I'm expecting to be on the roof, but it's going to be unbelievable.

Speaker 1 It's going to be so much fun.

Speaker 1 Press conferences. You're going to be at all of them.

Speaker 1 Can you please ask a question for us? I think we can negotiate. Okay.

Speaker 6 Like, nothing that would make me look embarrassing, but I can be like a little.

Speaker 1 Be like, hey, Coach K, some programs are calling you a fucking egomaniac and a piece of shit. Care to comment.
Right. Coach K,

Speaker 4 what battalion did you serve in in Vietnam?

Speaker 1 Like something along the lines of. Let off those fucking camos.

Speaker 1 We got, actually, we should have Billy do that. Yeah.
Something along the lines of.

Speaker 6 There are a lot of people who really, really, really, really want to see you fail.

Speaker 1 What do you have to say to them? Oh, that would be a good one.

Speaker 1 I would love that. Like, something along the lines of troops.
I would love that.

Speaker 4 We need to role play because you're going up against a Titan.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And so you need to be able, you can't.

Speaker 1 I got Caliparry at the beginning of the season. Yeah, yeah, but Coach K will tell you to shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Let's role play.

Speaker 4 I'll be Coach K, you be Jake Marsh. Okay.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that kid.

Speaker 1 Was that Belcha?

Speaker 5 That kid in the back.

Speaker 6 Hey, Coach. Not going to wish him good luck.

Speaker 4 Listen, let me tell you something about how to phrase a question.

Speaker 6 I could introduce myself as a student media member and see if I get a different treatment.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're not.

Speaker 1 He'll fucking have you killed.

Speaker 4 He'd write that out in a second.

Speaker 1 Ask him, you know what? If you could ask any question, I would like you to ask, hey, Coach K,

Speaker 1 unassailable legacy, Hall of Famer, greatest coach of all time, could you at least dedicate this final four to Pete Gaudet and see what he would say? That would be nice.

Speaker 6 I think the first one's more realistic.

Speaker 1 Ah, come on, Chick. It'd be great if he was like at the end.

Speaker 1 Maybe that would, actually, that might be the one thing that would make me feel 1% less hate if he was like...

Speaker 1 If he won it and cut down the nets, he's like, and really, who should have been here is Pete Gaudette because I fucking screwed that guy over and ruined his career.

Speaker 4 He should at least give a portion of the net or share a title with him.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And if you lose, you know that if he loses, it's going to be a it's going to be like Duke's plane and hotel bill sent to people. Oh, by the way.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that question that I pose is more of like a Friday afternoon media day question than post-game. Because post-game, you're really walking on eggshells, especially if they lose.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 6 If they win, maybe.

Speaker 1 No, if they lose, I want you to go all in. That's the thing.
Yeah. I want you to go all in.
Be like, Coach K, his final press complaint.

Speaker 1 If he lost to UNC, be like, Coach K, many people are saying that this completely ruins your entire legacy and all of your losses are now magnified even more. Care to comment?

Speaker 1 We'll see. All right.
Flight by it. We have all weeks to talk about.
Yeah, we'll work it out.

Speaker 6 I'm excited.

Speaker 1 Fortunate.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's going to be great.
It's going to be a great Final Four.

Speaker 4 This is a Final Four that is just dreamt up in a journalist's wet dream. Watch it beyond.

Speaker 1 God, I hope you're not going to be able to do it. We'll see the whole week.
You know what, what, though?

Speaker 4 This is like in the playoffs. Remember the first week of the NFL playoffs this year? That sucked? Yes.
That's what today was. That's what yesterday was for us.

Speaker 4 That just means that the next round of games are going to be fucking awesome.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, these are the four teams that are playing the best. You can't argue against it.
I saw people saying, like, oh, UNC, they're the eighth seed. They were on the bubble.

Speaker 1 UNC beat two teams from the Final Four last year. They beat the national championship.
And the other two games, they won by 52 combined points. They're bawling right now.
Yes. Please, UNC.

Speaker 4 I need you, UNC. I mean, I'm telling you, it would be the perfect storybook ending for every Duke hater in the world if UNC took him out twice at Coach K Suck Fest Night.
I'd be so happy.

Speaker 4 Coach K Suck Fest Night, Volume 2.

Speaker 1 It would be, oh my God, what a night. Hank, drinks on me if that happens for the rest of the night.
Awesome.

Speaker 9 Yeah, we'll have such a great time.

Speaker 1 If you're going to the game, I don't know if you're going. We'll see.
We'll see.

Speaker 5 Shout out to Game Time.

Speaker 1 Yes. Maybe they'll help it out.
Game Time will get us all in the building. Just depends on where we'll be sitting.

Speaker 10 Okay, emergency breaking news. We had finished the podcast.
We were all home. We are all home.
And Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars.

Speaker 10 And I think it at least got the job done that we all tuned into the Oscars.

Speaker 10 I guess we should start. Are we all team real?

Speaker 11 Well, wait, can you explain to maybe people who probably all see the team?

Speaker 10 Okay, I'll explain.

Speaker 10 Yes, for people who did not watch the Oscars, Chris Rock made a joke about Jada Pinkett, Will Smith's wife.

Speaker 10 He made a joke that he is looking forward to Jada Pinkett being in G.I. Jane 2.
Jada Pinkett has alopecia. She's talked about it.
She can't grow hair on her head, so she's bald. So it was the G.I.

Speaker 10 Jane Maureen joke, whatever.

Speaker 10 Will Smith laughed, then looked at Jada Pinkett, big wife guy energy, saw his wife being like, No, that's not funny, stood up, walked up to Chris Rock, open hands, slapped him in the face went back to his seat and then screamed keep my wife's name out of your mouth twice and now everyone's deciding whether it's real or fake go ahead pft okay so i think that we can see it both ways we still have to learn for some facts to come out here i i personally am team real i think it's very real um but if you were to make the argument that's team fake There are some things that line up for that, right?

Speaker 12 One, it's the Oscars. They're literally the best actors in the world in that room, Chris Rock included.

Speaker 12 Their ratings have been lower than probably they've ever been in the past.

Speaker 4 So they need a little bit of a goose.

Speaker 12 It's like a little WWE energy.

Speaker 12 Item number three, Chris Rock weighs like 70 pounds and he kept his pivot foot. If you watch the slap, his body just moves.
His pivot foot stays down.

Speaker 12 So that you could make the argument that, yes, it's just engineered for people to tune in.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 Can I throw some reels out there? Well, I've got, no, I think it's real.

Speaker 12 So the reel is like, I think a lot of us have probably been in a position next to what Will Smith is dealing with. He's like laughing.
Okay. Good joke.
Good joke. You got me good.

Speaker 4 He looks over. He sees his wife.

Speaker 12 She did not think it was a good joke. She was very upset.
And Will Smith also had to sit through some jokes about their open marriage at the start of the show too.

Speaker 12 And he's like, fuck, if I don't do anything, she's definitely going to cheat on me again. Like Will Smith has the cuck energy of always having that chip on his shoulder.

Speaker 12 So he's like, I got to get up and I got to hit him. I got to be, like you said, a good wife guy.

Speaker 12 And I also think he would have done a much better job acting if it was fake instead of like sitting down and looking flustered afterwards.

Speaker 10 Also, Will Smith's a crazy person and Jada Pinkett Smith's a crazy person.

Speaker 10 I'm pretty sure they're Scientologists, or at least enough that they've had to like openly deny being Scientologists at multiple times in their career, which like, if you have to say, I'm not a Scientologist, you're a Scientologist.

Speaker 10 That's the test right there. You definitely are a Scientologist.
I also think, like, Will Smith, like, he just lost it. He lost his cool.

Speaker 10 His speech, the best part about it, if you didn't watch the Oscars, Will Smith was the favorite to win best actor. He wins best actor.
He goes up and gives a speech where he's like, pretty much. like,

Speaker 10 yeah, so

Speaker 10 Richard Williams, Serena and Venus's dad, he protected his family. Love will make you do crazy things.

Speaker 10 Never actually like thanking Jada Pinkett Smith or acknowledging that he slapped Chris Rock like overt, like he never said like, sorry, Chris Rock.

Speaker 10 He just basically did this long speech where he was like, yeah,

Speaker 10 like I protect my loved ones against innocuous jokes at the Oscars by comedians.

Speaker 12 Yeah, no, he's he's doing the I'm a good husband thing. He's trying to get laid.
He's getting laid right now.

Speaker 12 As you hear the sound of my voice, Will Smith smith better be having sex probably the best sex of his life i think that anytime something like that happens in a public place where two people get into a skirmish and then they're still in the room the entire room is going to be thinking about that for the rest of the night they had to have gotten up on stage and they had to fight they should have fought like actually had the pro football football show is presented by the chevy silverado built for the hustle ready for the game chevy silverado is america's most dependable full-size truck whether you're grinding through the week or gearing up for kickoff, the Silverado is one ride that's always game ready.

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Speaker 12 Posture, not just like because you actually think someone's going to attack you, but like, oh, someone comes up. You're like, oh, look who it is.
You do something with your hands.

Speaker 15 The whole time, Chris Rock had his hands behind his back. And when he got slapped, you know, he was just totally open.

Speaker 15 Like no one, when they're reacting to something unexpected, makes any sort of just nonchalant, doesn't do anything. Like

Speaker 12 a counterpoint, Billy. I have a counterpoint because

Speaker 12 he probably didn't expect to get slapped. I think it's a pretty simple explanation.

Speaker 12 He saw a famous comedian, actor, celebrity coming up on stage, probably someone that he's relatively friendly with in the past, and thought, oh, here comes Will Smith, the consummate showman.

Speaker 12 He's going to come up, make a joke at my expense. We'll laugh, hug each other out, and then he'll go back to his seat.
So that's why he might not wait.

Speaker 10 he probably wasn't ready to fight can i can i ask because i had to go i had to corral stella i have a i have a question for you billy so you billy and hank you both think it's fake

Speaker 10 did you guys watch the extended clip where will where chris rock was positively rattled after yeah so this is i i do come from the camp of like fake until proven real

Speaker 11 obviously the oscars thing with pft mentioned earlier like if you know the ratings are horrible absolutely all-time low if there's two people you want to get a buzz going who are the two people at the top of that list chris rock will smith

Speaker 11 i have to digest some more of this afterwards and i think obviously we'll be able to see what they say afterwards and and you know the the people close to them will be able to confirm or deny it but eileen fake eileen fake

Speaker 12 i love that in hank's mind that the two biggest names in show business are will smith and chris rock they both move the needle what year are we in right now is this if you if it was 1998 and i would be like yeah you know what hank's this is obviously hank is i mean he spot on on this literally just one best actor in 2022 like that's pretty relevant i would say no i'm not saying he's irrelevant i'm just saying like i don't think i i think that you're being a little bit too woke on this hank no it's like who people do the order of people i also brought full disclosure i didn't i've only seen it on twitter like i haven't

Speaker 10 i haven't seen the i wasn't watching We could look like idiots, PFT. I could look like idiots by saying that it's real, but

Speaker 10 watching all the context and like seeing everything this would be the greatest work of all time the only people right now who are like worse online because the people who are like this is fake you guys are idiots are the people who are saying that will smith should go to jail including our colleague stephen che who is like chris rock should press charges i i want anyone who actually thinks that Chris Rock should press charges to go to jail themselves.

Speaker 10 I want them to get, I want them to go to jail.

Speaker 11 It's big time skeleton energy.

Speaker 10 Big Big time. Quick question.

Speaker 12 It is, it would be the lamest thing in the history of modern media if Chris Rock were to like go immediately to the police and file a report on him. I know I can speak for myself.

Speaker 12 I don't know if I can speak for everybody else in this podcast. We have never once advocated for anybody to go to jail over something trivial like this.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 16 Quick, quick piece of evidence on.

Speaker 10 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Billy.

Speaker 10 I just, real quick, because I saw Jake out of the corner of my eye nodding along. Jake, you definitely think Will Smith should go to jail for this, right? No, not at all.

Speaker 10 I think it's real if I'm a tie-wreaking boat, by the way.

Speaker 10 Okay, I like it. Go ahead, Bill.

Speaker 16 Obviously, you do, Jake.

Speaker 10 What the fuck, Hank? Your brain is riddled by the internet, Hank. You have a fucking Swiss cheese brain.

Speaker 4 That's true.

Speaker 15 If you go to Will Smith's TikTok, he says that him and Jada are dressed for chaos

Speaker 15 before the Oscars even happened. They put that on TikTok.
So, I mean, this is 100% chaos, and that's just more evidence that points to it being fake.

Speaker 11 I need to, everything, everything is going to determine on Will Smith and Chris Rock's relationship.

Speaker 11 Like, if there's a story that they've had beef and it's been like something that's been brewing for a while, then it's real.

Speaker 11 If it's like comes across like they've been friends for a long time from show business and stuff, then I'm saying fake.

Speaker 10 It is.

Speaker 10 Does that make sense?

Speaker 12 Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 11 Like, if it's like, it could be deeper than just tonight, but if it's like they're friends and that was the only thing that set them off, like, there's no way.

Speaker 12 If you look at the sheer physics of the situation, you've got Will Smith played Muhammad Ali, big guy, played the best boxer of all time, got up on stage, slapped, and it was a slap, but it was like a full force slap.

Speaker 12 He had hip rotation. He planted.
He extended. Billy will tell you all about it.
He was in war mode. He slapped him.
Chris Rock.

Speaker 12 is such a small guy that he played he had to play a character in the longest yard that wasn't allowed to play football with Adam Sandler. So he's a small dude and he didn't even move, really.

Speaker 12 Like he ate that like a champ. Chris Rock has a jaw of steel.
Unbelievable performance by Chris Rock, if it was real.

Speaker 12 I just, I think that if you look at the emotion, the way that the two of them reacted in the immediate aftermath, and then you've got like Tyler Perry and Denzel Washington's dude.

Speaker 10 No, but that's the point, Hank. The immediate aftermath of Chris Rock is why I think it's real.
He started like he was shocked, and then he said it was.

Speaker 10 Um, I think it was the Oscar for best documentary. By the way, that person who won it, like, sorry, dude, like, you're the biggest moment of your life, completely stolen.
That sucks.

Speaker 10 But he was like, We're going to give out some documentaries. And then he caught himself.
He's like, We're going to give out the Oscar for the best documentary. Like, he was rattled, fully rattled.

Speaker 12 Big winner of the night was whoever had the nip slip right after. No one's going to talk about that.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I didn't even see that.

Speaker 12 I just saw it on Twitter.

Speaker 10 Yep, put it on.

Speaker 12 I didn't see it. I saw it on Twitter.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 10 What were you going to say, Jake?

Speaker 10 So, the reason I think it's real is: did you guys see that viral video of the commercial break and then like calming him down? Yes. Yes.
So that wasn't on camera. That wasn't on camera, Hank.

Speaker 10 Denzel Washington and a couple other people were like

Speaker 10 trying to calm you down.

Speaker 10 What? It wasn't on the broadcast. It wasn't on the video.
It was someone in the stands had taken the video. I mean, this is,

Speaker 10 I guess, this will look stupid, PFT, Jake, and I, if this this turns out to be fake. The problem is, if it, you guys can basically play it's real for, or it's fake forever.

Speaker 11 No, I have said my criteria. It is entirely dependent on like their relationship leading up to this night, which I don't, we'll find out about tomorrow.

Speaker 10 I'll admit I was wrong. I'll admit I was wrong.
Also, remember, like Will Smith's in an open relationship with Jada Pink and Smith, right? Like, they have a very, like, we've all talked about it.

Speaker 10 This is like open relationships are always bullshit because of this. Like, he probably is like,

Speaker 10 Well, I got it, I gotta do something, otherwise, someone else is gonna have sex with her tonight.

Speaker 12 No, that's that's what I'm saying. He's he is the most publicly cucked celebrity of all time.
And so, you saw his face when she was talking about the entanglement thing.

Speaker 12 He was like, Yeah, we both discussed about this, and uh, we both think it's a good thing that she's allowed to sleep with my friends. No, like it's it's not.

Speaker 12 He's upset about it, and he knows that he has to be on his A game at all times, or else somebody else is going to take a room.

Speaker 12 So, he's like, okay she's upset then i'm upset there we go i'm husband of the year i did it babe also shout out um

Speaker 10 this moment was so great because it was literally like right when i walked in my house and i got like a bunch of texts being like was that real like i i'm the fucking

Speaker 10 you guys probably have the same thing like as online people and people who watch like things all the time we're all people always like hit me up to be like yo is this thing that just happened real or not like how would i know but so i get like a ton of texts being like, is that real?

Speaker 10 And I start watching it. And like, I was like, oh my God, this, I think this actually is real.
I think this is all actually going down.

Speaker 10 And I go on Twitter and Twitter is just like Twitter 1.0.

Speaker 1 Awesome.

Speaker 10 Everyone getting their jokes off. We had like 15, 20 minutes where it was like, oh yeah.

Speaker 10 I love this app. This is funny.
Like everyone's just getting funny jokes off, retweet, like all this stuff.

Speaker 10 And then like 25 minutes after that, it's just toxic masculinity run rampant yet again, like,

Speaker 10 like, like, serious, super serious takes about this incident. It's like, dude, it was like, it's, it's fucking Hollywood.
It's a bunch of narcissists sitting in a room.

Speaker 10 One guy made a joke about another guy's wife. He slapped him.
Can we just make some jokes about it instead of having this become like a bigger discussion in the discourse?

Speaker 12 Yeah, what Hank's doing right now, he's doing Academy Motion Picture Arts and Sciences rigged.

Speaker 12 He's like the first guy that's like, this is all fake. I stage.

Speaker 10 i can't tell whether it's for money or for ratings but that's it i saw it in person i'm out yeah but no that yeah so it's those people it's the people who are saying go to jail and it's the people who are like actually having like nuanced takes about this like being like this is what's wrong with like the marital structure in america and like a man thinking he has to protect like dude just let me just tweet some gifts real quick come on like just give us a minute do it tomorrow morning on monday morning when we're all miserable yeah billy do you have any more takes on this Since you are there, you're in the room.

Speaker 10 You are the room right now.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 15 So I was at the Oscars, and when I saw Denzel Washington talking to Will Smith and them all trying to calm him down, they were just asking him, Was it real?

Speaker 12 And he was like laughing. And he was like, Hey, no, it was fake.

Speaker 15 Like, we set this whole thing up. Wasn't it great?

Speaker 5 And they're all laughing.

Speaker 12 So that's what I saw. You heard that.
Did you see that or did you hear it? It's boring.

Speaker 14 Well, I heard, I heard that, saw the mouths moving.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 15 I'm at the Oscars.

Speaker 15 so it was it was a great time and uh no but seriously i like i really think because think about it i we were talking about this during the show we were recording i was like oh the oscars are on tonight like who the hell knew and now you know now we know this is this is this is why you come to part of my take because PFT and I have been around the block a few times.

Speaker 10 We usually have a good idea of what's real and fake. Again, we could be very wrong.
Hank, I know, I trust that Hank will do some research and try to figure it out.

Speaker 10 And then we have Billy, who is like the embodiment of 2022 internet, where it could, like, Chris Rock could press charges, Will Smith could go to jail, and Billy will still think like, no, this is some kind of pedophile ring cover-up and, and, and JFK Jr.

Speaker 10 is about to be announced president.

Speaker 15 Honestly, I fall for a lot of fake stuff on the internet. And this is one of those ones where I'm just like, fake.

Speaker 10 You feel like you're ahead of the curve. I have one last question.

Speaker 10 The most important question. Memes, I don't know if you have a mic.

Speaker 10 Memes has been on the show before. Memes, obviously, everyone knows, it runs a bunch of our social and does an incredible job.
And we talk about them all the time.

Speaker 10 Memes, can you quantify what this is going to do for your life in terms of the memes that are coming out of this?

Speaker 10 Like you just got an entire new memes template, a perfect memes template that you can use for anything how is how how are you feeling can you guys hear me yeah all right

Speaker 14 um i think it'll last like

Speaker 12 one more day yep

Speaker 12 and then it'll pick back up probably during nba finals yep no i think that's perfect because people that are going to be making memes out of this in like three or four days too many people have seen it so it's been it's already reached like mass exposure so the the countdown clock on it is finite so like when when michael jordan cried during his hall of fame acceptance speech not a lot of people were tuned in live and so it had a longer tail on it this one it's like okay everyone's seeing it tonight and tomorrow and then after that it's going to take a big pause i was thinking actually until football season but when memes said nba finals he's absolutely right the nba finals are a hundred percent going to be ground zero for this meme to resurrect yes yes all right memes that's why you're the best um anything else i mean crazy we don't do

Speaker 10 emergency segments for many things, but when Will Smith slaps Chris Rock at the Oscars, real or fake, here we are. We're making sure that we give you our takes instantly.

Speaker 12 We'll put another one in the it's real category because I don't think that Will Smith would do this on the night that he won his Academy Award for best actor.

Speaker 12 That seems like a pretty important night in a person's life. So I don't think that he would flip out like this on that evening.

Speaker 10 And I, yeah, it's just, there's no chance no i'm putting it at zero pft commentary gives it zero percent chance of being a fugazi this was this was a real event i'm going to put it a one percent chance of being fake but that's solely because all of life is fake and we're all living in a simulation if that's true then this is part of that and then i was right to call that part but i'm 99

Speaker 12 and in that event well it's still real to me it's still real to me big cat what all right so then

Speaker 10 jake you're 100

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Speaker 10 Also, one last thing: the sports take on this, I felt pretty bad for Venus and Serena because they looked like, what the fuck is going on?

Speaker 10 And Will Smith basically got in front of everyone and was like, yeah, I played the role of their father, and that's why I'm crazy and slapped a man on live TV.

Speaker 10 It's like,

Speaker 10 okay, I guess. Cool.

Speaker 12 Also, Willow's going to have a couple bangers that come out in the next like two months.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 10 And yes.

Speaker 10 All right. Back to the regularly scheduled program.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's do who's back.

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Speaker 1 Make sure you tweet us that with a screenshot and download the Venmo app, put in that code PMT, you get $10. If you haven't signed up, $10, boom, right away.
Get yourself a beer in New Orleans.

Speaker 1 All right, Hank, who's back? By the way, we're going to do Billy's spreadsheet

Speaker 1 after Bert, as well as Jake's one shining moment, as well as Hank's decision about what he's going to do with the hottest gambling streak he's ever been on in his life.

Speaker 5 Big time. Shout out to Game of the Year.
Just kicking things off right. Well, Duke, you're welcome.
Duke, then Game of the Year.

Speaker 1 You're welcome. Which that

Speaker 1 both of the year. Well, no, that one didn't count because you bullied me into it.
True.

Speaker 5 My Who's Back of the Week.

Speaker 1 Quote that for me, Bye-bye.

Speaker 4 Peace times.

Speaker 1 My Who's Back of of the week. It is not.
It's wartime. I hate you.

Speaker 5 Well, and I would say you shouldn't have fell for my obvious trying to get you to pick against Duke.

Speaker 1 All right, cut that, please.

Speaker 5 Nick Castleanos is My Who's Back of the Week.

Speaker 1 Did you guys see this? Yeah, we had a discussion, so we'd like to hear you talk, and then we will present our side.

Speaker 5 I was just going to say what happened. He's on the Phillies now, he's in spring training.

Speaker 5 As he was in his first at batteries, getting his first hit, the broadcast was talking about how one of the Blue Jays' coaches got a DUI and was like talking about his apology, talking about the whole situation.

Speaker 5 And lo and behold, Nick Castellanos gets a single.

Speaker 4 Okay, so I think it's funny because they were actually talking, like, the announcer was talking about the DUI while it happened, but we have to be protective of our Castellanos' memes because it can reach a point where a bloop single

Speaker 4 is qualifying the exact same as a business.

Speaker 1 He's got to hit a dinger. dinggraph.
He's got to hit a dinger. No, bro.

Speaker 4 How often are they talking about coaches with Deweys?

Speaker 1 He's probably doing it. First of all, he's probably brought it up because Cassianos was up.

Speaker 4 True. And also, Major League Baseball coaches, I'm pretty sure, that's one of the qualifications for becoming a bench coach.

Speaker 1 That's how Tony LaRussa got into the Hall of Fame. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Like, talking about, I think the criteria is like a fucked up situation that the announcers are talking about, and then all of a sudden they have to talk about it.

Speaker 1 You got to hit a home run.

Speaker 4 I think the whole, you have to have a home run, and it can't be a situation where somebody sees that he hits a home run and then they Google like any

Speaker 4 bad news story that's happening like oh wow there it looks like Putin's shelling Kiev again and they're like well Castellanos did it again you know like it has to be something that is tied in

Speaker 4 either a massive trending event that happens at the same time or the announcer is talking about something he hits a home run well that's why we do spring training so we can kind of get through this also the season starts yeah but like but that is he back or no

Speaker 1 I think what we're trying to say is like,

Speaker 1 I think it's very funny that Nick Castellanos has become this guy. I want to protect it.

Speaker 1 I want it to be like, holy shit, he's this guy. If we do it for every single, it's like everyone's going to be.
We're talking about a DUI. It was funny.
Okay.

Speaker 4 It was funny, but I just want to make sure that we are protecting it.

Speaker 4 That we're keeping our meme wholesome. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, memes. Think about memes.

Speaker 5 He's too far gone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he is. But memes is like...

Speaker 5 He's still in rehab, but I think he relapses like every other day.

Speaker 4 Right now for memes, it's like if Joe Flacco throws like a three-yard button hook, I'm like, Elite.

Speaker 4 If anything, if they say Castellanos like three times in a broadcast, we can't save memes.

Speaker 5 We can just try and, you know, help the next generation coming up.

Speaker 1 It is funny when you're talking about it. It's a long thing that has been around for a while that no one remembers.
I did, I had Bo Nicks was like practicing for Oregon, and I quote Trinidad.

Speaker 1 I was like, Bo Nick's having fun could be a dark horse for the Heisman.

Speaker 1 And people are like, what are you, are you fucking high dude and it's like oh shit yeah we are on the internet too much yeah remember when we had to teach memes about the the Hitler downfall video with Urban Meyer oh yeah he's like what is this I've never seen this old meme he hasn't stopped making Hitler videos since I actually uh

Speaker 4 hand up I I I told him that he should do a video where you're Hitler after coach K after Coach K won

Speaker 1 but then we both agree that probably not a great idea I'm fine with that listen I here's here's all i'll say about that i understand the internet i have a

Speaker 1 arsenal in my phone right now for when coach k eventually hopefully loses so i understand that the other side is also loading up the guns and the nukes ready to bring me down it's we i know what's at stake here yeah how about this memes i know you're listening if coach k wins a natty you have to have big cat finding out about it down in the bunker yes that's fine i'm fine with that i am absolutely fine with it because again I have a lot of videos that I will be just fucking flooding the timeline with if it goes down.

Speaker 4 My who's back of the week is the U.S. men's national team.

Speaker 1 We're in the World Cup, bitch.

Speaker 4 Suck my dick, Italy. They didn't make it.
We did. We just beat Panama, I think, five to one.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Didn't keep the clean sheet, unfortunately.
The golden generation for the U.S. soccer team is here.
I just hear people say that. It sounds so cool when they said it about Belgium.

Speaker 4 So I think we can officially declare because this team is young enough. I'm just going to say this is is our golden generation.
This is the golden generation, and the boys are dancing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're in it. And we're going to have to play it during football season.

Speaker 4 I can't decide if it's going to be fun or if it's going to suck. I think it's going to suck.
It might be too much going on.

Speaker 1 I think we're going to get a lot of time.

Speaker 5 We're not going to fucking get out of pool play anyway, so who cares?

Speaker 1 But I think it's going to be... We always get out of pool play.

Speaker 5 We're going to go like one and two.

Speaker 4 When we make the world

Speaker 1 fucking do.

Speaker 4 We always get out of pool play. All right, so

Speaker 1 here's what we can do. We can't get a kind of rigged.
What time will the games be? They'll be in the middle of the day. Yep.
Because I think they've got to play at night there.

Speaker 4 Well, yeah, no, it's in Qatar, which is halfway around the world.

Speaker 4 But because they have stadiums that were built with slave labor, they're not going to be able to play them during the heat of the day, which is like 120 degrees.

Speaker 4 And they promised that they would make like giant air-conditioned stadiums outdoors, which I don't know.

Speaker 4 I'm not Bob the Builder, but it seems like that's pretty unlikely to accomplish in the next six months. Correct.
So, yeah, the games are going to be at nighttime, afternoon and night, I think.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so let's just throw this out there. It's Sunday.
We're here. We're watching games.
You say, hey, USA's about to play. You're not getting a TV.
And I'll watch the games.

Speaker 1 I'll watch every other, like when football's not on, I'll be full-blown, pool of sitch, fucking go USA.

Speaker 7 But we have to.

Speaker 1 You realize that, right?

Speaker 4 I do. And I'm actually looking up the times right now.
We might be wrong. So right now it's 4.13 in Qatar in the morning.

Speaker 4 So, if they play in the afternoon, like evening, that's still going to be kind of morning for us. So,

Speaker 4 I think we'll be okay as long as they don't schedule us on a Sunday.

Speaker 1 Wait, how many hours difference is it?

Speaker 4 It's Monday at 4.13. It's 9.13.

Speaker 1 So, it's seven hours difference.

Speaker 4 Seven hours ahead. So,

Speaker 1 a one o'clock kickoff. If you schedule,

Speaker 4 I want to talk to Seth Blatter personally.

Speaker 1 Literally the time.

Speaker 4 Seth Blatter or whoever you have running FIFA for you, Seth Blatter. If you schedule the U.S.
soccer game on a Sunday at 1 one time or Saturday

Speaker 1 or Saturday,

Speaker 4 I will personally slit your throat.

Speaker 1 That is not going to happen. Like, we're not,

Speaker 1 that is going to be a war on Twitter. I want to see all the soccer nerds come out and be like, how are you not watching this? Because the NFL's on because it's week 12.

Speaker 1 That's going to piss me right off.

Speaker 1 I mean, you can't. I just want you to.
We're all on the same page, right?

Speaker 7 Maybe a laptop in the corner.

Speaker 1 Yes. But not a TV.

Speaker 1 You have to have.

Speaker 4 On a Saturday.

Speaker 1 We have to stand for a business.

Speaker 4 On a Saturday, if the U.S. is playing, I'm putting it on one of the TVs.
During college football. I am not.
There are not six college football games that do not play.

Speaker 1 Dude, when Temple plays UCF, I'm watching. Nope.
Better than that. Nope.
Nope. I'm rooting for the lads.

Speaker 4 Onward the lads.

Speaker 1 Yes. That is.
We are. Lads up.
Wow. That's going to be a dilemma.

Speaker 1 All right, by whose back is LeBron. He won a Razzie.
That was awesome. Also, Hank, explain the story, the Instagram story from the other night.

Speaker 1 Hank, you know that LeBron fucked up when Hank walked in on Saturday and like came right over to me. It was like, you see what LeBron posted? It wasn't a fuck up.

Speaker 1 And I went to look and I couldn't find it. And he's like, oh, I screen recorded it.
Don't worry. And we're like, that's

Speaker 1 it. But it was a good moment because we're in wartimes right now, but we can always bond over our hatred for LeBron.

Speaker 5 It was just, it wasn't, it wasn't even fuck up. It was just all-time, very funny, classic LeBron.

Speaker 5 Like, you know, he's the biggest athlete in the world, probably richest athlete in the world, one of them.

Speaker 5 And he's having like an intimate dinner with his wife, and he does this Instagram story where she's like clearly pissed off that he's like recording, which is just like very relatable.

Speaker 5 And he said, Hey, fellas, remember one thing. I just, I just think this is funny because he's like clearly like drunk or something.
This is a very classic LeBron. Hey, fellas, remember one thing.

Speaker 5 A woman will always love and vibe with a real, true player.

Speaker 1 Know the difference between player and player with a key.

Speaker 5 And then, like, I'll send it to you PFT. And then he like pans it over to his wife, and his wife just gives him like the, why the fuck are you recording?

Speaker 4 Because that's what LeBron's family has to deal with all the time.

Speaker 4 It's the actions of a drunk man stumbling around his own home, screaming into his phone while they're like, hey, please pay attention to me.

Speaker 4 That's amazing.

Speaker 4 How long do you think it took for LeBron to win the Razzie for him to realize that the Razzie is a bad thing? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Did he have the post ready to go like, man, 17-year-old LeBron would never believe this at this point?

Speaker 1 He probably is going to try to figure out a way to convert it into points scored in the NBA so that because that's all he's playing at this point.

Speaker 4 The all-time days for LeBron on Instagram are on his birthday when he just, if you look at his stories, I don't think it's, I think LeBron has like a special version of Instagram that allows him to post hundreds of stories of people wishing him a happy birthday on those days.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 18 I've never falls here, kids are back in school, vacations are over, and cozy season is officially on.

Speaker 19 You know what that means?

Speaker 18 Bombus season is on.

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Speaker 1 anyone could lose the pelicans they're fucking they're playing really good basketball right now

Speaker 1 Bulls are in a free fall. Fourth points in the fourth.
Got smoked by the Pelicans the other night.

Speaker 1 All right, Billy, your who's back.

Speaker 16 My who's back is Johnny Manzel. Ooh.
Johnny Manzel will be returning to the football field in the fan-controlled football league for their second season.

Speaker 16 He was on the Zappers last season, and he is now on the Wild Aces.

Speaker 16 Drewski's investment in the company is what drew him in. He said that he wanted to make some content with Drewski.
I don't know if you guys know Drewski. Hilarious guy.

Speaker 16 And he's going to be back on the football field.

Speaker 1 Honestly, kind of like, it's kind of nice to see him.

Speaker 1 Dude, if you tell me Johnny Manzel's playing in a football game and there's a World Cup game on, I'm watching Johnny Menzel.

Speaker 4 There's certain players that if you want

Speaker 4 your secondary football league to succeed, if you get any combination of like Manzel, Tebow, RG3, or Colin Kaepernick playing quarterback, people will tune in and watch that shit. Yeah.

Speaker 4 So good for Johnny Menzel.

Speaker 1 I hope he plays well. I'm hyped.
And Bitcoin. Bitcoin's back.

Speaker 4 It is? Rallied hard.

Speaker 1 Let's go.

Speaker 4 Are you invested? A little bit. How's my doge looking right now? I think it's like back to like.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. 46.
Yo, let's go.

Speaker 1 Fuck all the old people think that sucks.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Tom Calicchio laughing all the way to the kitchen.

Speaker 1 There he goes.

Speaker 1 All right, Jake, you're who's back. We're going to get to Billy's spreadsheet after Burnt.

Speaker 6 My who's back of the week is Fun Rules.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. So

Speaker 6 there's this team called the Savannah Bananas. It's a baseball team.
I don't think it's officially minor league, but it's still pros.

Speaker 4 Unincorporated, independent minor league team.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so they had a rule.

Speaker 6 It was the first or second time ever. Banana ball rule number nine.
If a fan catches a foul ball, it's an out. And it happened and it went viral and it was really cool.

Speaker 6 I feel like the majors should consider.

Speaker 4 They've got great rules.

Speaker 4 I don't know what brand of baseball they play if they invented their own rules, in which case, probably a nightmare for the visiting team.

Speaker 4 It's like you're playing against the Globetrotters, and and you're like, I didn't know. Wait, that guy's got a ladder on the court.
That's crazy. But yeah, they've got all these different rules.

Speaker 4 I think the batters are in the batters box the entire time while the pitcher's pitching. They've got all sorts of cool rules.

Speaker 1 I like it.

Speaker 6 Yeah, so this one's, if they did that to the majors, that'd be, that would change the game with home fields. I mean, incredible.

Speaker 4 I mean, Savannah, what they're doing right now by having this team down there is they're... They're next on my list of like the big bachelor party cities in the country.

Speaker 4 For a while, it was like Austin and Nashville and Charleston just shitting on everybody.

Speaker 4 Savannah is next. Savannah is a very fun city to be in.

Speaker 1 It is a very fun city. And could you imagine if this, like you said, if this was MLB, like you'd have to start, like Jim Harbaugh would get paid by a team.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like a million bucks to sit in our stands. Yeah, Pay Ringers, foul ball guy.
Foul ball guy would make millions and millions of dollars. He would be on contract.
Yeah. It would be incredible.

Speaker 4 You'd be able to start him in your fantasy leagues. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 6 So, yeah, I thought that was cool.

Speaker 1 That is cool. Very cool.
Cool, rule. All right, let's get to Bert.

Speaker 1 Great Great interview. Back in studio.
PFT, you got a quick word for one of our sponsors.

Speaker 4 Yeah, before we get to Burt, talk to you guys about Tailor Made. Hank just got a Tailor Made.
You got a driver, right, Hank?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, Tailor Made is awesome. They're great golf clubs.
It's golf season. Weather's getting nice.
Spring was creeping up on us.

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Speaker 4 I should get fitted. Get one of those custom things? Hell yeah, because they don't just send you clubs off the rack.
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Speaker 4 We want an AWL to win or a mobster, right? Jake, those are your guys?

Speaker 1 Yeah, mobster.

Speaker 4 There's got to be a mobster. Shout out Nate Oates.
Or an AWL.

Speaker 4 Yeah, Nate Oates, big-time mobster. Hopefully, he can get his hand.
He's got a lot of time to play golf.

Speaker 1 Hopefully, someone shows up to shoot around.

Speaker 4 He's probably got a tea time that he's scheduled for the second weekend. So check out Taylor Made.

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Speaker 4 Now, here is Burt Kreischer.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on now recurring guests. Ah, that feels good.
Feels good, Bert Kreischer.

Speaker 1 And let me say this right now, Bert, off the top.

Speaker 1 We very rarely will have a guest on this close together. Like, we had you on at Super Bowl.
We didn't run it for a couple of weeks. Sorry about that.

Speaker 1 That was probably weird for you. Like, all of a sudden, you just, it pops up that you're on the show.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you, immediately, immediately it came up and the thing was like, and then my daughter smoked pot. And I was like, oh, fuck.
I said that. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Like, oh, shit, I said that two weeks ago. That doesn't count.

Speaker 1 And then your name came up again and then you were in town. And we're like, fuck yeah, we'll have them back on.
Everyone loved it. So dude, it's serendipity because I have been watching you gamble

Speaker 1 for like the past two weeks and it is so fucking fun.

Speaker 1 It is so fun to watch people win money. Yeah, or lose really the losing part that people really enjoy.
No, I love when you guys were trying to get Patty to tap. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're going, come on, come on, come on. That's like watching porn for men.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I guess porn for men.

Speaker 1 They should match up gambling and porn at the same time somehow. I'm down for it.
It's like those live streams, they're exhausting.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you saw on Friday night my alma mater, Wisconsin played, and they played the last, it was probably the latest tip ever. It was like 11 p.m.

Speaker 1 So I just started getting like blackout drunk, and I was screaming. I was going to take my shirt off.

Speaker 1 Like, those live streams just become this, you lose all sense of time and space because you're trapped. You don't even go out.

Speaker 1 I didn't go outside for four days straight, and I'm just, you know, betting on everything. It's my favorite four days of the year.
I'm happy you enjoy it, but it is chaos. You got to come to one.

Speaker 1 I have a gambling problem, but

Speaker 1 here's my problem. What do you mean? Well,

Speaker 1 when I started making money, gambling didn't matter to me. Like, it just didn't,

Speaker 1 I couldn't, I couldn't find the rush, you know?

Speaker 1 Like, the rush, I remember the first time I really got the rush, I was playing poker with Daniel Tosh and a bunch of guys in Hollywood, and I had, I had the best fucking hand, and

Speaker 7 I was sitting on it, and the feeling that you get, I didn't need alcohol, I didn't need sex, I didn't need anything, that feeling of knowing you've got the hand and your heart's racing your hands trembling you're trying to hold it in the only way i get that now and this is going to sound so stupid is whether i'm hosting game day at my place or taking my talents to the tailgate boars head is my go-to for a spread that's as exciting as the game itself their platters are a hit every time they've got everything you need to keep your guests coming back for more and if you want to take it up a notch grab a few dips my personal favorite the blazing buffalo chicken hummus or even one of their charcuterie collections for game-changing flavor Boarshead helps me elevate my entertaining every time, whether it's for a tailgate or a home gating celebration.

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Speaker 1 I just start winning. And when I win, I get louder and more obnoxious.
And all the comedians are fucking loving it. Jim Jeffries is losing his mind.

Speaker 1 Ben Bailey, but the actors who aren't comedians are like, this isn't fair.

Speaker 1 It's a fucking raffle, asshole. I put in fucking $3,000 for this feeling.

Speaker 1 I want an orange whip, which is a golf swing thing. I want a jacket.
I want whiskey. I want everything.
That's it. And then don't get me started on an auction where they're bidding off trips.

Speaker 1 Because we...

Speaker 1 I just, my business manager was there, randomly enough, my business manager was there. And they auctioned off a trip to

Speaker 1 four seasons in Maui.

Speaker 1 It's in the quarantine. There's no one,

Speaker 1 no one's going to more Maui at all. And I start off there.
Jim Jeffrey starts off. He's like, the starting bid's

Speaker 1 $3,000.

Speaker 1 And Jim Jeffrey goes, $3,000. And real quick, I go $4,000.
And then he goes, $5,000. I go $6,000.
He's like, $7,000. And then Ben Bailey goes, $8,000.
I go $9,000. And it's going so quick.

Speaker 1 My business manager is like, hold on. And I'm struck with, what's the math? What's it cost? Someone Google Four Seasons real quick.
Dude, I love that. I love the reckless.

Speaker 4 That is the gambling i can get into yeah so i went to the texas state fair one time and they do like a giant livestock auction it's a big thing and it's just all these dude huge hats the guy gets behind the the podium and he's doing the like fast talking he's got the real texas draw they're bringing the animals out on stage there's like giant black angus steer that are going for you know 550 500.

Speaker 4 I was, I was about to bid on a, on a cow. I don't have a place to put it.
I wanted to get involved in the auction at the time. I had like a normal-sized backyard in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 4 And I was thinking about buying these goats just because the thrill of the auctioneer talking so quickly, it's like that infectious.

Speaker 1 It's the best.

Speaker 1 You're going to think I'm lying to you. I really need someone to Google it.
I need someone to Google it. So when we were in Trip Flip, it was in my travel channel show.
We spent a day,

Speaker 1 a week. We take people on adventures of a lifetime.
And we spent a week as cowhands running Buffalo across Texas. We're outside Houston, Texas.
Caddy, Houston, I think it's, no, that's not Caddy.

Speaker 1 And so we're outside Houston, Texas. So one of the things, he says, I want you to take my steer into auction.
So I was like, all right. He goes, I expect 25 grand for all my steer you bring in.

Speaker 1 So we drove steer into town. And I said, I'm going to fucking knock his socks off.
The guy that runs a ranch. I said, as soon as their cattle comes out, I'm going to put in first bid.

Speaker 1 I'm going to jack it up. Whatever the first one comes out, I'm going to put in the first bid, and we're going to raise the money for it.
And then that way, I'm going to come in.

Speaker 1 Everyone will have sold just a little bit over what he's expecting because I'm going to start going back and forth with them. So they,

Speaker 1 I swear to God,

Speaker 1 it is top five hardest I've ever laughed in my life. So the first one comes out and I go, is that John's steer? And they're like, I'm with two other dudes.
They're like, yeah, I go, all right.

Speaker 1 And they're like, hey,

Speaker 1 John's.

Speaker 1 And I raised my hand and he goes, sold. And I went, what? There's no bidding.
You just buy them.

Speaker 1 And I bought a calf for $1,300.

Speaker 1 I bought a calf, a fucking full calf. I bought one of the ones I was going to sell.
I brought it back to him. And I was like, hey man, I bought one of your calves.

Speaker 1 Is there any chance I can sell this back to you? And he was like, 800 bucks. I was like, I'll take it.
Fuck it. That's fine.
Oh, that's amazing.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, there's that videos on YouTube. And it is, as soon as I realize what I did, you see it in my eyes.
And I'm like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 And I'm, and this is, I didn't have $1,300 to spend on, no one has $1,300 to spend on cattle. You don't have cattle.
The auction, though, the auctions are the, the. I once got

Speaker 1 mildly addicted to auctions online.

Speaker 1 In Chicago, there was a grocery store chain called Dominics that was going out of business. So they were selling everything.

Speaker 1 And I would just go on every day and try to buy like random shit, like carts, everything. I bought a bench that I didn't need.
That was just a dollar. It was sitting in the lobby of the grocery store.

Speaker 1 And I was like, yeah, but I want it. Like, this feels cool.
And that's it. It's just like winning something.
And then, you know, a day later, you're like, wait, what? I don't need this.

Speaker 1 What the fuck am I doing? But the rush of winning something at an auction or a raffle, there's nothing like it.

Speaker 4 I think that more places should have, should do like the 50-50 raffles.

Speaker 4 Every day in your life.

Speaker 4 Imagine if you're going into work and like the subway car and the New York City subway has a 50-50 raffle. If you stay on for five stops, they do a drawing.

Speaker 1 Once you're in five stops, it'd be incredible. It would be incredible.
I'm not lying to you, Bert.

Speaker 1 Like, if I won a 50-50 raffle, let's say at like a hockey game, I think I would then become even for my life in terms of 50-50 raffles. Just 50-50 raffles.

Speaker 1 I buy 50-50 raffle tickets the second I walk into a stadium. Just the second I walk.
I've had guys, I had a group of guys at Wrigley who literally

Speaker 1 they knew me and they and they knew that I love 50-50 raffle. I bought tickets.
They bought the tickets right after me. I bought the tickets right after them.
They bought the tickets right after me.

Speaker 1 And they ended up winning. They won the whole fucking thing sitting right behind me.
And I've never been more upset in my life. I have a picture of them.

Speaker 1 They're like, can we get a picture after celebrating in my face. But it was thrilling to go back and forth being like, No, I'm getting the next numbers.
They changed the rules to raffles at my school.

Speaker 1 At my kids' school. I was going to say, you're not your school.

Speaker 1 At my kids' school. They made it so that every family could only buy 10 tickets.
Because of you? Because of me. This is like the Burt Chrysler.
There's like the Larry Bird rule.

Speaker 1 I have a joke I'm going to put in my special about it.

Speaker 1 I'm not even messing around. I would go into raffles with just stupid money and go.
I mean,

Speaker 1 I have a problem with it. That, and I'll tell you the other one is that I get addicted to because I'm good at public speaking, is running for office that I don't want.

Speaker 1 I've done that. I did that.
We went, there's this woman.

Speaker 1 I'm going to use real names, so I apologize if I'm going to use real names. That was not an apology, but

Speaker 1 whatever. That was just a warning.

Speaker 1 That was the best sorry, not sorry. So there's this woman, Jenna Schwartz, right?

Speaker 1 In our

Speaker 1 Valley Village where I live, I'm telling you everything.

Speaker 1 We don't have PTA. We have, it's called Pace, right? That's what our PTA is.
So PACE president kind of organizes everything at the school. Isla is in fifth grade.
She's going to the middle school.

Speaker 1 We will no longer be working at this school.

Speaker 1 And they bring us in early for graduation. And it's so that we can, as parents, they get us there early so we can vote for Pace President, Pace, all the Pace thing.

Speaker 1 Current Pace President, everyone is on stage. I get there early in.

Speaker 1 I say say to lean are you fucking kidding me they they lied to us we're here for the fucking elections and she goes yeah now i had eaten the edible the night before and that i'd over medicated myself and so i still feel it so i said well who's running and they go through the thing and then and then and there everyone's dressed up and she goes jenna schwartz is running for uh president and she's not dressed up she's in workout clothes and i said why isn't she dressed up lean goes she's running on a post i was like not on my watch now now here's the thing you need to know jenna schwartz kind of of fucked me over once, right?

Speaker 1 Not fucked me over bad, but in a weird way, like in a weird way. So I look back, a guy named Brian Stepanic.
He was on, I think,

Speaker 1 Zach and Drake or whatever. Brian Stepanic, I look back, I go, hey, nominate me for pace president.
And he's like, for real? I go, dead serious. He goes, I nominate Burt Chrysler.
I go, I accept.

Speaker 1 And Leanne goes, what the fuck are you doing? I said,

Speaker 1 I'm running for pace president. She goes, honey.
Hold on. You're not going to be pace party.
No one's going to vote for you. I said, well, let me just give my speech.
Jenna Schwartz comes over.

Speaker 1 She goes, what are you doing and i said please don't talk to me i'm running for pace president we're enemies so i go up and they go who would like to speak first now jenna schwartz has not worn makeup she's not gotten dressed up and she also hasn't prepared a speech she's been running unopposed i get up i'm i'm almost verbatim i'll call my fucking wife to to just to prove this is how accurate my speech was it sounds like jenna schwartz was just she was uh like experiencing absolute power

Speaker 1 she thought that she wasn't gonna be held accountable yeah oh my wife better answer do you ever fucking call your wife and then you're like, if she doesn't answer, I'm just canceling her fucking phone.

Speaker 1 She apparently doesn't know how to use a goddamn phone. It's like, she'll look at it and go, who is this calling? And I'm like, that's why it rings.
That's why it rings. Fuck her.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 I get up on stage. Now it's maybe 500 parents in there, all of which know me because I've had now two kids go through this school.
I said,

Speaker 1 my name's Burt Kreiser. I'm running for Pace President.
This is almost verbatim in my speech. I said, I know Jennifer Schwartz.
I used to hike with Jennis Schwartz on Fremont Cannon.

Speaker 1 Me, my wife, Lynn Grusen, Kathy Fromkin, and Sandy Tatt would hike every morning every day. All the names.
All names, all names, all accurate.

Speaker 1 We would hike every morning at Fremont Canyon right after drop-off with Jennis Schwartz. It was fun, great conversation.
And then one day, she didn't show up.

Speaker 1 We sat at the trailhead for about 30 minutes, and she never showed up. She didn't call, she didn't text, nothing.
So we decided to hike. And that day we saw her on a hike with Christy Goodman.

Speaker 1 She didn't say hi to us. She didn't acknowledge.

Speaker 1 And to this day, we have never hiked with her again. We've never spoken about it.
And to this day, she hikes with Christy Goodman.

Speaker 1 If you want to vote for a president that one day will decide the journey they're on with you is no longer the journey they want to take, then vote for Jenna Schwartz.

Speaker 1 But if you want a president who's going to show up every day at that trailhead and wait for you to take that journey with you until we're done, then vote for me. My name's Burt Kreischer.

Speaker 1 I'd like to be your pace president. The fucking room is shaking.
Dudes,

Speaker 1 legit dudes are like, that's my guy. That's my guy.
Jenna Schwartz is like, wait, hold on. I have a bad knee.
Wait, you hike too fast. He talks non-stop.

Speaker 4 She should have told you about that.

Speaker 1 There's a little thing called conversations that people can have when they change their plans. And if they don't say anything, that's a red flag.
I sat down and my wife goes, you have to stop this.

Speaker 1 And I go, I just want to hear what she has to say. And they're like, well, that's Bert speech.
Jenna, and she comes up and she goes, okay, hold on one second.

Speaker 1 Okay, he doesn't really want to be pace president. This is a joke.
You're joking, right? Hold on. I have a bad knee.
No, listen, Christy has a bad knee also. And I just raise my hand.

Speaker 1 I go, I'd like to rescind my nomination for president.

Speaker 1 And that is the funnest. I got in trouble in college for it.
There was a Miss Florida State pageant,

Speaker 1 and every fraternity had to have

Speaker 1 a contestant that you brought up. And so we're getting there, and we're sitting in the big auditorium, and no one's taking the mic, and no one's taking the mic.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I'm going to go up and take the mic. So I get up and I walk up.
I go, I want to thank you, everyone, for coming.

Speaker 1 This is so great. We'll give you all subs a round of applause.
We're just coming out today, and everyone gives subs a round of applause. I said, awesome.

Speaker 1 If everyone just passed forward their physical forms, and everyone's like, physicals, physicals. And I go, oh, you guys, that's totally cool.

Speaker 1 If you don't have a physical, I'll be administering physicals in the back bathroom. So just line up back there.
And four girls got up and walked to the back bathroom.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I'm fucking around. Well, I got in a lot of trouble.
Yeah, apparently.

Speaker 1 I had to go to fucking Omega, whatever, and fucking apologize at their dinner. I was like, what the fuck? You can't make a goddamn joke.
You're an agent of chaos. I love it.

Speaker 1 It's just like the moment, there's humor in every moment, and it's like, how can I make this a ridiculous moment? I think when you become a comedian, you definitely can live in that.

Speaker 1 But then there's the other side where your jokes don't really don't fly. But those are almost funnier.

Speaker 1 When you get like the anti, like when everyone's like, oh my God, how could he say that?

Speaker 1 That's even better, I would assume. Have you had that point where you're like, you've done something and everyone's like, dude, what the fuck? Fuck, yeah.

Speaker 1 They had a dance.

Speaker 1 They had a dance for the kids, and then they had taught them like the foxtrot or whatever. And so it was like the first dance, maybe their fifth, maybe their fifth grade.

Speaker 1 And we go to that same auditorium at the school, and the parents sit together, and we're going to watch our kids do the dance. That's how their first dance goes.

Speaker 1 So before this dance starts, they pull us outside. They're like, hey, listen, we need to have a conversation with the parents.
I apologize. One of the teachers, like, I apologize.

Speaker 1 I assumed everyone's gender, and I paired them up, boy, girl, boy, girl.

Speaker 1 I assumed a lot, and it's on me. I hope to learn better.
But if you're cool with it, the dance isn't going to go forward like this.

Speaker 1 We're just going to just let them pair with whoever they want to pair with, because apparently some parent got upset.

Speaker 1 We're going to let them pair. It's going to be like girl, girl, boy, boy, whatever.
It's just going to be... him, them, or whatever.
They're all going to pair up and they're not going to do a dance.

Speaker 1 They're just going to dance to music. Is that okay? And now I'm watching parents grandstand, like going like actually

Speaker 1 we don't we don't even call our daughter or our daughter a daughter whatever you know they're like spouting their politics and so they get to me and lean and they're like are you guys cool with that and i was like i'll answer that lean's like please don't

Speaker 1 and i said i said to a group of very liberal parents i go i actually don't care if my daughter dances with a boy or a girl just as long as it's white and the fucking okay

Speaker 1 i mean you could watch

Speaker 1 they were just like, what did he say? My wife's like, he's a comedian. He's a comedian.
And I was like, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
It better be a boy and it better be white.

Speaker 1 And there were parents that were legit upset. Oh, I'm sure.
When I won the raffle that changed the raffles, there's a dude. This is, whoa.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I win this one raffle that changes all the raffles. And I go in.
to Corolla like a week later and I'm telling him the story of this raffle.

Speaker 1 And I say the guy's name. One dad got really upset because after I won all the prizes, I then walked around shirtless with all the prizes going to parents, going, What did you guys win?

Speaker 1 Like, I won all the prizes, I won them all. And this dad's like, I have a raffle budget.
And I went, I go, fuck your raffle budget.

Speaker 4 You're pretty much like the reason they invented the salary cap in football just for elementary school.

Speaker 1 You'd make a good baseball owner. No, but I think you've tapped into something here because it's, and I have two young kids, and I've just started to get into this world.
Oh, it's parents.

Speaker 1 It's great when you don't care.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's parents because I had, I've told this story on the show, but I had a thing where my son's preschool got shut down out of nowhere because of like construction and all this stuff.

Speaker 1 It basically was like these two really nice women were running it. COVID shut down.
They lost money. Like they couldn't keep it afloat.
It was all very like understandable. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was on this parent group chat and there were people saying there was like a Ponzi scheme and everything and like all this stuff.

Speaker 1 And I almost, I should have done, I now know that I should just go for it.

Speaker 1 I almost replied to the whole group and was like, now that you guys say it, like, I saw one of the teachers driving O Lambo the other day because, like, they would have all taken it so seriously.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did it, but now I got to start doing it because it is like, I think it's the parents' world. Like, I've been in this for a couple of years.
My son's two and a half. Like,

Speaker 1 every time I'm around parents, people take it so seriously. And it's like, what are we doing? Dude, why is everyone so serious? Our first school was called the Sunshine Shack, okay?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 by the way, I'm still using all very real names. It's called The Sunshine Shack.
It's a great school. It's a great fucking school.
It was preschool. It was awesome.

Speaker 1 First day there, we do like a parents, you know, get to like orientation. And it's all fucking famous people.
I mean, it's Billy Cruddup, Billy Cruddup's chick at the time.

Speaker 1 Something masters. I don't know.
I don't know who it is.

Speaker 1 She was in weeds, his chick at the time.

Speaker 1 Nia Vardalos, who wrote My Big Frank Greek Wedding, her husband, Ian Gomez. It's everyone.
And then

Speaker 1 J Chenda Seikar, like all these big famous people and fred savage so and fred savage so fred savage he's his kids were i think a year below mine maybe maybe he's isla's age so fred savage one day now i always came to this place hungover i had always been out doing spots the night before and and i one day fred savage is there and he's on the ground playing with the kids i don't get on the ground for kids i'm like i'll sit i'll sit in a chair but i'm not getting on the floor

Speaker 1 yeah yeah he's on the ground he's playing with kids and i'm listening to these moms and they're like he's such a good dad he is such a good dad And then one of the moms is like, and you would have known that.

Speaker 1 Like knowing who we, we grew up with him. We grew up with him.
We've known him since he's a little kid.

Speaker 1 And when I tell you, when I saw him on the one years, my first thought, I can't wait to see what he's going to be like as a dad. And he's amazing.
And I go over and I go, yeah, he has a good dad.

Speaker 1 It's so crazy, like, considering who his father was that he turned out this way. And they're like, who's his dad? I go, Randy the Macho Man Sabbit.

Speaker 1 And they're like, for real? And I go, yeah, his mom's the beautiful Elizabeth. And I go, you didn't know that? And they're like, oh, yeah, I guess he has a showbiz family.
And then I just walked away.

Speaker 1 And then the fucking people that ran stands were like, hey, man, are you talking shit about Fred Savage?

Speaker 1 You know, you are the worst one. The worst one was

Speaker 1 Billy. I mean, I've...

Speaker 1 Billy, Billy Cruddup. I'm sure it's in the news or something.
Billy Cruddup. Billy Cruddup's a fucking great guy.
That's why I'm hesitant to say anything bad about Billy Cruddup.

Speaker 1 And I'm not saying anything bad about him. He's awesome.
He wasn't part of this. Billy Crudup's a fucking legit guy.
Like a legit great guy. Top to bottom, a great guy.
But no, no, no, but.

Speaker 1 I think I'm just hoping this isn't gossip, but it's been fucking 17 years. So he, um, him and his chick get split up, right? And he Mariston Masterson, whatever her name is.

Speaker 1 They split up and he starts dating someone else. I think he was a celebrity.
I don't remember. I think it was, I think it was Claire Danes.
Someone have to Google it.

Speaker 1 But it's, it's, it's fodder for the tabloids.

Speaker 1 So we have an end of the season end of the school picnic and someone at the picnic takes pictures and sells them to to like the star or whatever and fucking because of my constant behavior they immediately assume it's me but nothing about you would say like this is a guy that would go behind you yeah i did have i did have a big camera because i was a dad because i was a dad because i was a dad you got like this vest on with the rolls of film in it and but i had like a camera because back then the cell phones didn't take pictures.

Speaker 1 So like I had a legit camera because I was a dad. And

Speaker 1 as soon as I get blamed for something, I start behaving guilty. Like the second you go,

Speaker 1 hey, did you cheat on my wife one time found a pair of jeans in my laundry, like girls' jeans, sexy girl jeans. She goes, whose are these? And I started laughing so hard that I couldn't defend myself.

Speaker 1 I go, I have no idea. And I was like, I don't know.
I don't know where they came from. And she goes,

Speaker 1 where the fuck would you find these? And I was like, I have no fucking idea. I have no idea.
And she legit was like, how the fuck would you have come home with girl jeans?

Speaker 1 Her best friend was like, fuck him. He's a cheater.
Divorce him. He's a cheater.
You caught him. He's a cheater.
Divorce him. And then my wife's like, fuck it.
I'm going to wear the jeans.

Speaker 1 So we go out to dinner with her best friend, Julie, and she wears the jeans. And Julie says, hey, you're wearing my jeans.
Leanne goes, these are the jeans I found in his laundry.

Speaker 1 And she's like, no, those are my jeans. She's like, I've been looking for those jeans.
And Leanne goes, how did your jeans get in his laundry?

Speaker 1 Turns out I had come come home from the airport, gone to Julie's house to party, put my jacket on her chair. Her jeans were on the chair, picked up my jacket and her jeans.
I was like, fucking cunts.

Speaker 1 I told you. I fucking told you.
I'm not a cheater.

Speaker 1 When the machine story went viral, and the reason it went, I'm so sure I told you this. When the machine story went viral, the reason it went viral was someone in my class had written,

Speaker 1 I was on this trip.

Speaker 1 I was in Birch Rushing class. This story is 100% true.
He fucking robbed us, right? Right on Facebook. Yeah, on Facebook.
Dude, I screen grabbed it. I'm not even joking.

Speaker 1 I screen grabbed it and I sent it to Tom, and I was like,

Speaker 1 I knew I wasn't lying. And he goes, I believed you the whole time.
I go, I didn't believe myself. Yeah.
Like,

Speaker 1 I have like whatever that guilty, like, as soon as someone has money missing, I think I did it. Yeah.
And I don't know what that is. I'm sure there's like some fucking.

Speaker 4 Gonna get back to Burt in a second, but before we do, you know, the mountains are blue. They're always blue.
The chaos of the big tournament can be unpredictable, to say the least.

Speaker 4 And even the best players take a moment to cool off on the bench when you need to take a breather take a seat with a refreshing coarse light that's the beer that's made to chill their commercial that song in the commercial that they're playing that's been stuck in my head it's a great song very relaxing song do do do do do do do do do people wait all year for this and the tournament is a perfect excuse to do nothing but chill and watch the games with the beer that's made to chill Coors Light, there's only one beer out there that's literally made to chill.

Speaker 4 That's Coors Light. The mountains on the bottles and cans, they turn blue when your beer is cold.
That way, you always know when it's time to chill. We love Coors Light.

Speaker 4 It's all we're drinking this March.

Speaker 4 It's the official beer of basketball.

Speaker 1 It's the official beer of sports.

Speaker 4 It's the official beer of chilling out, hanging out with your buddies, watching the mountains turn blue. When you need a strategic timeout from the madness, reach for Coors Light.

Speaker 4 It's the beer that's made to chill so you can refresh the spirit and jump back into the excitement.

Speaker 4 Get Coors Light and the new look delivered straight to your door with Drizzly or Instacart by going to Coorslight.com slash take. That's Coorslight.com/slash take.
Celebrate responsibly.

Speaker 4 Coors Brewing Company, Golden, Colorado. And now here's more Brooke Kreischer.

Speaker 1 We got to get Tom on, too. Tom Segura, your co-host.
How's he doing physically after his one of the all if you haven't seen the clip?

Speaker 1 It's very relatable to anyone who played any sport at any point in their life and then gained some weight in 20 years and then said, I'm going to go do this again.

Speaker 1 It scared me off of playing basketball for a little bit there.

Speaker 1 He's doing good. He's doing really good.

Speaker 1 Would did he break? Tell me the whole list of injuries. So he

Speaker 1 went to jump, and as he went to jump, his left

Speaker 1 patella ruptured.

Speaker 4 That's such a bad injury, too.

Speaker 1 That's just the same thing.

Speaker 4 I know, but that alone, people talk about the ACL as being a bad injury.

Speaker 4 If you rupture your patella tendon, that's like the most painful knee injury that you can possibly have.

Speaker 1 Well, his exploded. Because apparently it wasn't meant to solely hold 280 pounds.
Like his patella was never never invented to hold what he did to it. So then that exploded.

Speaker 1 And then Tom, in his quick thinking, grabbed his left arm to catch his body. Now that left arm, the humerus bone, also is not meant to hold 280 pounds.
And it broke in half.

Speaker 1 And then because he was moving so fast, because when that much mass moves that forward that fast, it spun in a circle and his arm was facing as if it was like reaching for a cheat notes in class.

Speaker 1 Like, hey man can you pass me the notes and now we this happens in a blink of an eye it happens in a second he's like hey you guys want to see me dunk and we're like uh everyone's like get your cameras out this is gonna be good and you hear pop pop and

Speaker 1 and the the the panic noise of real pain that

Speaker 1 like not not like ow ow ow like

Speaker 1 gasping yeah call 911 call 911 i watched it so i i have a sick thing where i love watching watching injury videos. What's ironic is he does too.

Speaker 1 That's the irony in all of this is if you show him an Asian guy getting kneecapped by a car in a garage, he is crying. Yes, that's me.
Yes, I'm the same way.

Speaker 1 It's puke videos and any type of horrific injury. I will watch it every time.

Speaker 4 I just love that his body just quit on itself. He was like, nope, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'd rather self-implode than do what you're asking me to do right now.

Speaker 1 And he was so competitive that day.

Speaker 1 Because now, here's what you need to know about me and Tom: athletically, across the board, I've always been better than Tom in everything, and everything there is to do.

Speaker 1 There's not one thing he can hold a candle to me at all, ever, anything.

Speaker 1 And I know that. I know that.
I'm a little bit like, because I played sports growing up, I can pick up very quick. He said one day, he goes, I've been taking tennis lessons.

Speaker 1 And I, without knowing where he was in tennis, I said, I'll destroy you. And he went, You don't know how good I am.
I said, It doesn't matter. I destroy you.

Speaker 1 And he goes, But I don't know how good you are. And he goes, I said, Doesn't matter.
I destroy you. And he goes, Let's play tennis.
And I said, Let's play tennis. I aced him 42 times.

Speaker 1 I aced his tennis coach. His tennis coach pulled Tom aside before the match and said, heads up, your boy's got a Division I serve.
And he was like, what?

Speaker 1 And he was like, I have no idea where his game is horrible, but his serve is fucking. top notch.
And it has, he's got three different types of spin you need to watch out for.

Speaker 1 And when he puts the heater on, it goes past you. And by the way, I have a Division I serve in tennis.
So Tom's like, what the fuck? I aced him so bad that it was no longer funny.

Speaker 1 His wife came out and brought his kid to cheer him on and then she put him in the car She didn't want him to see it

Speaker 1 So when when we went to play basketball Tom all of a sudden was better at me in basketball and he was like he was like yeah yeah yeah I'm and I and I also and this is from doing travel channel a lot I knew you don't you don't always have to give it 100% right because you can get hurt so when playing basketball I'm kind of just fucking around going like I have not moved around a lot I was the fattest I've ever been and so when we went to dunk I was like I'm not gonna fucking hurt myself Tom was like, I'll hurt myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And man, it happened so quick.
And I'll admit, my initial instinct of resetting his arm wasn't the best idea.

Speaker 1 How long was he like actually out for?

Speaker 1 Like six months? He had to do everything, right? He had to do all rehab and everything. I'm not, I mean, the best parts of this story are the aftermath.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's so much. Because here's the thing that, okay, so like everyone loves Tom.
I love Tom. He's my best friend.

Speaker 1 He's hilarious on stage. But the funniest parts of Tom

Speaker 1 are the sad parts. Like when he goes, like, so

Speaker 1 we go to his house. I go home and tell my wife.
I go, Tom's in the, Tom's fucked himself up. He's in the hospital.
She goes, we need to drive over and help. Push.

Speaker 1 Push is not equipped to do this by herself. And I was like, you're right.
So we go to Tom's house and I buy. a

Speaker 1 what like a if you're lifting an old person they put a belt around them i buy one of those belts and they're like what the fuck is this for and i go we're gonna have to get tom in this house he can't use any parts of his body i need to put a fat belt on him and carry him and he they're like they're like okay so he gets there and his when he when tom is uh is like bummed out it is my favorite look in the world it is there's not a child who's dropped an ice ice cream cone that could do it better he's got a little look where he just goes like

Speaker 1 And so I put the fat belt on him and I carry him into his screening room and I throw him on the thing and he's sweating now. He's got, they didn't even reset his arm at the hospital.

Speaker 1 He's got a brace on his thing, and he's just like this. He's in pain.
And he looks up, and my wife just looks at him and goes, You're about to get fat as fuck.

Speaker 1 And his look on his face was priceless. Did he have like stairs in his house and shit that he did to get him up? He did.
He had a ton. He had a four-story house in the Palestine.

Speaker 4 So they had to do the like old person chair that took him up and down the stairs.

Speaker 1 They were like, Okay, we're gonna have to make a ramp to get him in and out. We're gonna have to, we're gonna have to, they had to old people.

Speaker 1 All because he played basketball. All because he played basketball And he said, you want to see me dunk? The best.

Speaker 4 For like half a second, he played basketball.

Speaker 1 The best is now, Tom and I are also very different men in comics. And that, like, if you say, if you see us on the street and you're like, oh shit, Bert, I will match your energy.

Speaker 1 And I'll be like, hey, what's up? How you doing? Want to get a picture? Sure, let's do it. If you do that to Tom, he will shut down and be like, not now, and just walk away.

Speaker 1 So he's not, he's not, not a dick, but he's not like, he doesn't,

Speaker 1 fame is not why he ever got into this at all. So the next day, I have to get him a medical transport to get him to the hospital.
This guy shows up with long hair.

Speaker 1 It's clear he's been smoking in this van. I now have a wheelchair.
I get Tom in the wheelchair. I wheel him out to the thing.
I get him in the thing. The guy, Tom's also overweight.

Speaker 1 This guy and I are struggling to get him there. It's the height of COVID.
We're all messed up. Tom's messed up.
He's in the same pants he was wearing the night before. Same sweat, smells.

Speaker 1 We get in the back of the van. There's no air conditioning.
The guy's like, we start to drive. And Tom just looks at me and he's like, he's at his lowest.

Speaker 1 He now knows he's going in for a full-time surgery. And he goes,

Speaker 1 and the guy goes, so what do you guys do? And I go, we're comedians. And he goes, tell me a joke.
I go, Tom, tell him a joke.

Speaker 1 His sadness was the funniest thing out of all of the whole fucking thing. We got him in the elevator and his arms like this, his things like this.
And he got stuck in the elevator.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 there was so much to it. We had to take him in.
I had to take him into the emergency room at Cedar Sinai in the peak COVID.

Speaker 1 We're talking December of COVID of a year ago, and we had to get him to piss in a bottle.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was talking like he lived, I literally said to him, if you've ever questioned how much I love you, let this remind you that this is how much I love you.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 that was a really intense time for Frankie.

Speaker 4 I can't even imagine how you would take a shit like that.

Speaker 1 He didn't actually for a while because he was on pain pills. So he was on so many pain pills, he wasn't shitting.
And then when he started shitting, he had COVID.

Speaker 1 So he thought he was just detoxing from pain pills oh

Speaker 1 yeah these are all stories by the way these are all stories you would never hear from tom segura like he would never tell you these but yeah it was it was an interesting it was an interesting time in my life and then i ruptured my arm and blew out my tendons and and he was great for me because he like helped me got me a physical therapist and yeah he's uh he's an interesting fan so i know that you're a golf fan can you still play golf with your injuries yeah yeah yeah i played uh i played pebble beach the other day on the fucking have you have you ever played with the one that's got the screen?

Speaker 4 I've played it several times on Tiger Woods 2005, I think.

Speaker 1 That golf game.

Speaker 4 Maybe the best sports video game of all time. Maybe the best.

Speaker 1 So I was addicted to that game. I was addicted to that game.
I love that game more than ever. I played Real Pebble Beach.

Speaker 1 I was playing the one that you hit into the mat and it shows up. I played that the other day.
But I played Pebble Beach for real. And it wasn't until Hole five, the par five uphill.

Speaker 1 You know, the one on the cliff where you hit and then you got to hit up blind into the...

Speaker 1 Until I went, I've played this fucking course a million times

Speaker 1 I was actually on hole three I think or hole three you're like this way easier in person than it is I'm well prepared I got up there and I go this is a drivable par four

Speaker 1 and he's like it's not drivable I go 310 it's a drivable par four and he goes it's uphill I go it's a drivable par four I hit five balls until I got up by the sand trap

Speaker 4 we got to get you down to the masters that would be great to have you go cover the masters there oh that's all you had to say yeah that's all you had to say that is all dude.

Speaker 4 That's the perfect environment for a guy like you because it is, you know, it's the old school place, very buttoned up. Tradition's important down there.

Speaker 4 You know, they do like, they do like fake bird sound effects on the broadcast. No way.
They really doctor it up. They spray paint the grass to make it look greener than it really is.

Speaker 4 They do have an army of people that walk around like picking up every single leaf with like little tweezers to make sure that it looks perfectly manicured.

Speaker 1 Golf tournaments are fun as fuck. We used to go to the TPC every year

Speaker 1 out of St. Augustine, I think.
I think that's where it is.

Speaker 1 But all I know is that whole 17, we just sat by that par 3 and just watched, and everyone would bet. It was the funnest.
Yes.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but getting you down in Augusta and inside

Speaker 4 the Masters, that would be maybe the best content that I've ever had.

Speaker 1 I would fucking, I would, I would come all over my pants to be at the Masters.

Speaker 4 That's how you get in.

Speaker 1 They'll hear that and they'll be like, okay. Hey, man,

Speaker 1 I guys hope you know I came in my pants for this. Oh, cool, Bert.
Thanks. Wait, so

Speaker 1 when you walked in here this morning,

Speaker 1 you have a show in Newark on

Speaker 1 tomorrow. So we're going to run this Friday.
When's the next show?

Speaker 1 In Brooklyn on,

Speaker 1 I'll tell you exactly. By the way, my wife called and was like, texting, do you need something? I'm in Brooklyn on the 31st.
Providence, Rhode Island, the 1st. Portland, Maine, the 2nd.
And then...

Speaker 1 And then Albany, New York on the third. So you're doing the whole, yeah, up and down East Coast.
You came in, though, and you're like, my goal today is to just not drink until 5 p.m. If I can not.

Speaker 1 What happened yesterday? Oh, no, I've been good. That's my whole thing is I've been good.
And then I got on the plane last night and we do this thing called Private Suite.

Speaker 1 It's where it's like a separate entrance. We got it for COVID and then now I'm addicted to it.
Wait, what is it? It's private suite. It's a different entrance.

Speaker 1 You go. So like the airport's here, all the gates are here.

Speaker 1 Well, it's on the other side and you pay extra and you go to a private suite and you hang out there and they, it's stocked you can all you can take whatever you want out of there it's stock they bring you caviar and then they put you in a car and drive you onto the tarmac onto the plane that's amazing it's it costs more but if you've got parents that are older like me it makes sense because they don't want to be in you know in the airports during covid and right and then uh and it's and for me and my team well when we fly out we all meet at private suite we all hang out party our balls off it's fucking all you can drink and then we get on the plane so i was like i'm good i'm not drinking i had a busy day yesterday and then i got there and i had a bottle of wine wine and brushed champagne and caviar and I just got fucking lit.

Speaker 1 And then got on the plane. And then, but didn't ring on the plane.
Passed out. Listened to the Ryan Leaf podcast.
Have you listened to that? Yeah, we've had him on our show. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He is fucking fascinating. Yeah.
Like, and by the way, I didn't follow any of that when it was happening. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, I wasn't, I don't, you know, I only watched, I don't give a fuck about the Jamarcus Russells and Ryan Leafs, but like, I will listen to all of Ryan Leaf's podcasts last year.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he's got a good head about him.

Speaker 4 Like, when we were talking to him about, you know, as he was going through that process, he's able to look back and like very clearly, completely self-diagnose, here's where I fucked up.

Speaker 4 Here's where the reasons are. He's a smart guy.

Speaker 1 All I could think is,

Speaker 1 don't get the big house. That's all I thought.
And I just bought a big house. You did? Yeah.
And I was like, but I was hungry in that small house. In that small house, you had nowhere to go.

Speaker 1 So you got up and you left. Or you got up and you went out back and you wrote.
In the big house, you're like, I'm going to polar plunge. I'm going to take a bath.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like you have all the amenities. It's crazy.
Like, that's all I heard is don't don't get the big house. And it's interesting because I have been, I've been pushing away.

Speaker 1 My wife loves our big house. My daughters love it, but I've been distant from it because I go, this isn't mine.
Like, I still need to work. I still have to work.
This isn't mine. It's fascinating.

Speaker 1 And it's fascinating to hear the things, the way his brain thought about vengeance and vendettas. And because I know dudes in comedy that are that way.
Right. And I'm like, whoa.

Speaker 4 What is it do you think about guys in comedy that it's almost like

Speaker 4 they're so sensitive all the time?

Speaker 4 Like they've got these egos and so much of what drives them is just based on like hatred or like trying to bring somebody else that they think they're more deserving than down.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, it really is. You're talking about a group of guys who are more often than not not cool in high school.

Speaker 1 not athletic, not couldn't do anything, never had a bunch of successes under their belts.

Speaker 1 And so then when they get to comedy and they get a, and there's a lot of rejection in comedy, when you get that success, you, I know the instinct. I know the instinct.

Speaker 1 It's, you, it's, there's a period when you get a first flash of success where you want to tell everyone to fuck themselves. Right.
You want to tell everyone that, and I, I went through it.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying that everyone went through it, but I went through it where you get that first thing and you're like, you want to call up the agents that didn't want to work with you or

Speaker 1 people that didn't want to help you and be like, I told you, but you, the best thing you can do is shut your fucking mouth.

Speaker 1 It's the old Bill Murray, Murray, like, I think you said it specifically about Chevy Chase, that everyone gets one year to be a dick when they become famous. And then you got to adjust.

Speaker 1 And then Chevy Chase obviously never did, but that was like.

Speaker 1 I never was a dick because, so I got very lucky. I got very lucky in that I had travel channel, small travel channel success.

Speaker 1 Not success, but it was just like stripper money, you know, like it was good money. And then everything went away.

Speaker 1 And during that time, I was, when you get fired from travel channel and you don't have a special and you're just working the road and everyone, including yourself, thinks this will not happen for me,

Speaker 1 it is

Speaker 1 an insight I wish every comic could get because you see the comics that look over your shoulder when they're talking to you at the store. You see the comics that look in your eye.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you the comics that look in your eye. Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, Tom Segura.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying that other people don't, Joey Diaz. My friends, my small group of friends, they're the guys that are...

Speaker 1 that none of that shit matters. I mean, Bill Burr and Joe Rogan, I have said this before.

Speaker 1 When I walked into the the backstage of the store one time, they were like, hey, man, your show sucks. And I was like, what? And they're like, your travel show sucks.
You're wasting your life.

Speaker 1 You're a talented comic, and you're awesome on podcasts. Focus on your podcast.
Get your special done. Fucking be undeniable.

Speaker 1 Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan, probably more than Burr, but Burr's, you know, Burr just is a quieter dude. Rogan was like, you need to get the fuck out of a travel channel.
And when I got fired, I remember.

Speaker 1 You find out, you find out who the real people are. And then when you get, you do your first theater tour tour and you sell them all out, and then you add shows, and you start doing Red Rocks.

Speaker 1 And like, I'm doing the Greek on May 5th, small plug. But, like,

Speaker 1 you can find out who those real people are and who the real. Because now there's people that would look over my shoulder that are like, what's up, Bert? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, man, I heard you got a project going on. Like, what's going on? You and Tom sell something? Man, if you ever need a fat astronaut, you know, plus.

Speaker 4 I feel like the podcast just in general is so much,

Speaker 4 it's perfect for you because you don't have to worry about having like a full team of people to approve every idea that you have or like and I have a lot of bad ones.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but the bad ideas are usually the best ones.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're still right? Yeah, oh dude, let me do something.

Speaker 4 You should do a show that's just strictly bad ideas.

Speaker 1 I've had by the way, I've had bad ideas that are so bad that everyone says they're horrible until fucking Dave Portnoy green lights them. And then all of a sudden, Burt Chrysler's a goddamn genius.

Speaker 1 And then I have my next bad idea and everyone's like, quick, quick, quick, before Barstool does it. And it's not a good idea anymore.

Speaker 1 So I came up with Two Bears Sports Management probably like three years ago. I was like, we need to start signing agent, signing talent.
It was a joke and Tom's like, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 I go, we need a talent. We need to find talent.
And we talked about it. We laughed about it.
Athletes reached out to us. We talked to one guy, the handshake king.
We signed him.

Speaker 1 But then you guys did it. And all of a sudden, all these agents that mocked me hit me up.
They're like, you still doing sports management?

Speaker 1 And I was like, man, we don't have the infrastructure they do.

Speaker 1 They're a different animal. Like, they're going to do it and succeed.
Tom and I were just thinking about a lark. And then I came up with stupid fucking

Speaker 1 two bears racing a racing team and I fucking just invested a hundred thousand dollars and I'm just waiting for Dave and you guys to do it so that it's a real idea what what is this I bought Tom a race car you bought him a race car for his birthday I bought him a race car so we do gay birthdays so we do uh our gay guys buy the best presidents ever right so one year tom bought me like a three thousand dollar electric bike that goes 40 miles an hour oh those things are sick they're awesome yes and they're even better

Speaker 1 they're even better at 2 2 a.m. when you're drunk and no one's out, right?

Speaker 1 So then the next year, I bought him. We said,

Speaker 1 for our birthdays, we'll buy more expensive gifts every year

Speaker 1 until we get to a million dollars.

Speaker 1 And so then,

Speaker 1 I'm like looking at my time. Tom's 42.
I'm 49.

Speaker 1 I got to speed this up, right?

Speaker 1 So I buy him the next year. He had moved to Austin.
I bought him a $15,000 wave runner that goes 70 miles an hour, right? So he's like, nice. So then this year.
Does he use it?

Speaker 1 Every fucking day. Oh, okay.
And Tom's a speed freak. Okay.
So he gets on glass and just

Speaker 1 he uses it so much, he bought a second one.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 then

Speaker 1 this year he calls me up. I'm stressed.
We got the movie coming out.

Speaker 1 We're wrapping the movie. I'm doing screenings in like Sugarland, Los Angeles.
I'm doing shows. I'm on tour.
And I'm stressed out. Tom knows.
And I'm doing two bears in Austin.

Speaker 1 And he knows I'm stressed out. And he calls me up and he goes, happy birthday.
Don't worry about next week. It was like my busiest week.
And I go, what? And he goes, don't worry about it. I got you.

Speaker 1 After you show in Minneapolis, I got a private jet it's gonna pick you up it's gonna take you to Austin we're gonna do two two bears then private jets gonna take you to Sugarland and it's gonna drop you off to go to the screening of the movie then it's gonna take you back to LA so you can see the girls and do your voiceover and then the private jet is gonna fly you back out on the road and I was like for real He was like, yeah.

Speaker 1 And he goes, and it's not one of the tiny ones. It's the fucking G5.
It's like the fucking big one. It's like $70,000.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, all I thought was, motherfucker, I got to spend $100,000 on this guy next year.

Speaker 1 So I said to him, he's really into cars and racing. And I said, let's start Two Bears Racing.

Speaker 5 I'll buy you a race car for your birthday.

Speaker 1 And he's like,

Speaker 1 are you being serious? And I said, yeah. And he goes, no, you don't mess around with me.
This is like my dream. And I was like, done.
So I bought a $56,000 race car.

Speaker 1 We're doing endurance races, BMW endurance races. Hell yes.
And I'd love if you guys, if Barstool could start his race team to make this fucking real. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you guys just pitch us around the office, if Barstool starts a race team, then all of a sudden my idea doesn't look like a weird fucking idea. Where's the race?

Speaker 1 All around. Endurance races are forever.
So our first race, I think we're going to get Rogan, Tom, and

Speaker 1 Matt Farah to be our race team. It's over 24 hours, so they each are just doing laps and laps and laps.
I've got them a trailer. I got everything wrapped.

Speaker 1 I got them four extra tires, and I've got a crew that's going to be there for the race.

Speaker 4 I'm in the race. So it's like the...

Speaker 4 It's on one track, though.

Speaker 1 It's on one track, and it's all different types of cars. So you're not really racing.
You're racing against people in your... By the way, I don't really know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 So I don't know what the fuck. I just have the money to buy the fucking race team.

Speaker 4 What does the winner get? Some of the business plan on it.

Speaker 1 The business plan? Ad sales. Okay.
Yes. So already, in just talking about it, all our advertisers for two bears have asked if they could buy space on the car.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, oh, this could work out pretty good. Secondly,

Speaker 1 live events. So we do live events, me and Tom.
And

Speaker 1 so content for live events is always the key to a great live event. This could be a great live event, either hosted there or shot and then taken on a thing.

Speaker 1 I made sure that my car has all cameras and

Speaker 1 the video on the inside so people can live stream and watch Tom race a car for fucking endurance races.

Speaker 1 I'm down to drive. Yeah, by the way, let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 I came up with the idea thinking,

Speaker 1 because I literally thought, how do we get into Formula One? Right. And then they like a lot.
Yeah. Nobody'd be a Russian oligarch.

Speaker 1 yeah yeah yeah and and so they said well you got to start somewhere and then all of a sudden this guy matt farrow who has a great podcast um called the smoking tire he hit me up he goes this is actually a really great idea and he goes for a hundred thousand dollar investment you can get into endurance racing and i can help you out and i was and he knows everything about cars so we bought the car we bought the trailer it's in sacramento it shipped yesterday it's gonna get

Speaker 1 yeah and so that's tom's birthday present is a race team i love it

Speaker 4 i love it yeah so now what's the expectation on your part for him to come back at you next year?

Speaker 4 What's the ground floor for the price level?

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm assuming we're just going to double up. I'm thinking $200,000.
Yeah. I don't know.
I kind of want like a ranch house in Montana. Like,

Speaker 1 I really, by the way, I brought, I told this to a gay dude and he goes, do you know the stress we have when my boyfriend buys me something for Christmas that I've got to one-up him?

Speaker 1 The one-upmanship, because it's dudes, right? It's fucking dudes. So there's the competition there.
Then there's the love. Then there's the disposable income.

Speaker 1 We had gay guys writing in their favorite presents they brought them. Dude, it was like

Speaker 1 my boyfriend got me tickets to the Subway series.

Speaker 1 It was like the best fucking presents. Gay guys are just guys.

Speaker 1 They're just guys. They're just fucking guys.

Speaker 1 They're just guys who get sick ass fucking presents. Sick ass presents.
Not all of them on Gucci. Someone, like, go, let's go to the masters.
Let's go to the, you know? Right. So that's fucking...

Speaker 1 I'm expecting a big present next year. I love it.
I love it. Um, all right, my last question: you should put, you should get Roeback to sponsor the race car.
Roeback, go to R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com.

Speaker 1 We have some. Oh, I know, Roback, yeah, dude, 20% off if you use code take.

Speaker 1 By the way, they just sent me a huge fucking box. Oh, they're the best.
They actually are the best.

Speaker 1 They are the best. The most comfortable clothes.
We went to a lacrosse game. I got my Robeck box for the podcast.

Speaker 1 It was cold, and I pulled out a couple of the

Speaker 1 overshirts, and my dad fucking was like, who is this? And I go, it's a podcast sponsor. It's Roback.
And he was like, shut up. He was like, buddy, can I go through this?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then he's like, no, this is going to fit you.
I was like, easy, big guy. Yeah, no, my dad loves this stuff too.
Like, I think it's

Speaker 1 the most comfortable stuff in the world. So, Roback.com use code TAKE, you get 20% off, sponsoring Bert's racing team eventually.

Speaker 1 Look, I don't know where the money in this is. See, that's why I need you guys.
If you guys start your race team, then I know you guys will will figure out where the money is.

Speaker 1 Well, Dave has got like a very good eye for business and how to make money off this stuff. So when you guys, because when I pitched sports management to Tom, whatever, however long ago,

Speaker 1 my agents, no one could figure out how you can make money. And then you motherfuckers came in and you're like, collegiate athletes.
And I was like,

Speaker 1 that's why you guys are where you are. I'm not even joking.
And I, and I'm, I saw you guys in dick's sporting goods the other day. Oh, yeah.
I'm like, that fucking brain,

Speaker 1 that's a once-in-a-lifetime brain you guys. And you guys have a beautiful collective here of brilliant fucking people.

Speaker 4 It's a combination of like, yeah, brilliant chaos and then a lot of weirdos.

Speaker 1 A lot of weirdos. Weirdos are great.
You got to love weirdos.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I mean, there's so many companies out there that almost exclusively hire non-weirdos.

Speaker 4 They do everything that they can in their process to make sure that no weirdos are working at like an ESPN or like a Fox Sports. People love fucking watching weirdos.
They put ad ideas.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 weirdos, bad ideas are like, I love this one guy's hit me up because I have a thing. We did a thing on Two Bears that I love original ideas.
I love original ideas, ideas you never heard.

Speaker 1 And this guy, one guy who was like, dude, may not be

Speaker 1 the best idea. I got two dishwashers in my house.
And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, who the fuck? I just load one up and then I have one empty.

Speaker 1 So when I load the other one up, I put two dishwashers in my house because this fucking guy that rode in, I put two dishwashers in my house. Changed your life? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't do dishes, but my wife walked.

Speaker 1 All right, Bert. thank you so much for stopping by.
Hey, everyone, anytime you guys are in LA, please come do my podcast. Yes, absolutely.
And if you're in Austin, we always need guest bears.

Speaker 1 So, like, because

Speaker 1 so if you're ever in Austin, how often are you down in Austin? Once a month. Okay.
Yeah. Once a month.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I used to live there. I go back every chance I can get.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I appreciate this. It is, I'm telling you, thank you very much for having me on.
Yes, thank you for coming on. Love to having you on.
Fuck yeah. Yes.

Speaker 1 All right. Thanks to Bert Kreischer, great guest.

Speaker 1 We are going to wrap up the show with a little Marsh Madness, and Marsh Madness is brought to you by our friends at Visible.

Speaker 1 Visible has a single-line plan for as low as $25 a month with unlimited data, talk, text, and hotspot. 5G is included, plus it's powered by Verizon.

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Speaker 4 Stream a can't miss game.

Speaker 1 If you're like Jake and you got to watch every single game, you got to make sure you have Visible.

Speaker 1 Stream Us, your favorite podcasters with some of the best wireless around there's nothing worse than a bad connection when you're trying to stream the fourth quarter or second half so make sure that you get visible you need unlimited data unlimited data is a must when it comes to this month and also every single month unlimited data is the way to go for data management practices learn more at visible.com additional terms apply marsh madness thank you to visible and uh yeah if you're not doing this i don't know what you're doing you got to have the most powerful phone you got to have the unlimited data you got to have the 5G, it's powered by Verizon, it has unlimited data, talk, text, and hot spots, and it's as low as 25 bucks a month.

Speaker 1 Thank you to Visible. Great plan for everyone out there, Marsh Madness.
Let's do it. Where are we at?

Speaker 6 All right, so we had 20 from the opening weekend. I'm still missing a bunch, but we're at 29 right now.
I think the last 30 to 60 seconds will be the final four.

Speaker 6 Okay, so I'm saving a lot for the back end there.

Speaker 1 Question.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Have you factored in the possibility of them just dedicating it solely to Coach K if they win?

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 4 Just a spotlight on Coach K on the court.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. If it's just his whole career.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. I fucking hate you, Hank.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 4 That was actually, I think that was first reported by Frank Fleming.

Speaker 1 He did say that over the weekend. But yeah, I think.
Oh, then I'm not feeling bad about that.

Speaker 1 I mean, Frank has.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm okay.
It's a good idea.

Speaker 1 Frank has Coach K coaching the Lakers. LeBron's there.
Steph Curry just got traded there.

Speaker 1 Giannis is there. Kevin Durant.
They're all there.

Speaker 6 Given the storylines of this year's Final Four, it's going to be Final Four heavy this year.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Elite Eight didn't have, I mean, we had the cheerleader again.

Speaker 6 That cheerleader is on there. We have this lucky miss, unlucky miss in Gonzaga, Arkansas.

Speaker 1 It went over the back. of the rim.
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 That's going to be in there. Yeah.
Yeah, that's for sure.

Speaker 6 This is definitely going to be on there. The cool jump up by St.

Speaker 1 Peter's, Matthew Lee.

Speaker 4 So how much St. Peter's is going to factor into this because they got to have Doug in there at some point too right yeah Doug hitting a three will be on there um I also had St.

Speaker 1 Peter's Purdue missing the buzzer beater and then do you think that they'll have Jaden Ivey opting out of the Sweet 16 because

Speaker 1 focus on the interview missed that shot so right part of it yeah happened um

Speaker 1 interview heavy there was some good interviews this weekend uh first up shaheen holloway and then the players coming over yeah to greet him i loved that i loved that interview that was awesome awesome You know what a red flag about Doug is, though?

Speaker 4 Doug says that he doesn't like sandwiches. How can you say you don't like sandwiches? That's ridiculous.
Everybody's got a sandwich.

Speaker 1 Maybe he just likes wings. He's sponsored by Buffalo Wild.

Speaker 4 Yeah, well, they also have delicious sandwiches there and more.

Speaker 6 And he's good at apologizing, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he did apologize to you. Right.

Speaker 6 Nice guy. Caleb Love Heat Check towards the end of the UCLA game.
He won that game for him.

Speaker 1 Awesome. Awesome game.

Speaker 1 That game was

Speaker 1 why this tournament is so brutal.

Speaker 1 ucla was winning that game and like had it for 90 of the game and then caleb love just went nuclear for the last three minutes and it was like oh now you're going home absolutely uh the arkansas cheerleader guarantee yep indiana yep um again today jalen williams taking a a charge oh yeah i like that those old women with the hog smell good shirts oh yeah those are those are those are great

Speaker 4 so the williams thing that was crazy i didn't realize that he wears special pads to allow him to be able to take charges more efficiently sec Brad Davis. That's crazy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was incredible. He just also had this ability.
He just would just like, he almost, it was like watching, you know, that clip of Miles Garrett where he

Speaker 1 basically teleports through the hole.

Speaker 1 That's what Jalen Williams would do.

Speaker 1 He wouldn't be there, and then all of a sudden he'd just be underneath someone getting a charge. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Tonight's Hubert Davis interview. Emotional.
Hot seat.

Speaker 6 Not by me. By our podcast.
Team Sport. I'll take the heat for it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Antoni Bennett.

Speaker 4 Team Sport. We're going to get one definitely of Manic

Speaker 4 headbanging and his mane just flowing in the air.

Speaker 1 Yeah, him hitting a three.

Speaker 6 I think I had that last week. But yeah, he keeps hitting the threes.

Speaker 6 What a second half by Kansas today. David McCormick's and one I have on there when he went crazy.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 6 47-15 second half, I think it was.

Speaker 1 Insane.

Speaker 6 Crazy.

Speaker 6 Villanova players going over Justin Moore after they won.

Speaker 6 Couldn't get up.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. Helped Helped him on the bench.

Speaker 6 And then, yeah, the Jay and Ivy missed, and St. Peter's the first Elite Eight team, 15-seed to go to the Elite Eight.

Speaker 1 Crazy. Unreal run.

Speaker 6 Also, we had this debate on our post-game show. I'm interested to hear your thoughts because I was outnumbered in this one.
Bigger upset. St.
Peter's over Kentucky, UNBC over Virginia.

Speaker 4 UNBC versus 16-1.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Because I was outnumbered there.

Speaker 7 That's what I said.

Speaker 6 What? There's been like 10-15s over at 2. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I get worked up.

Speaker 6 They both said 15 over at St.

Speaker 1 Peter's over 10. What's insane? These are the same guys that put Huber Davis on the hot seat?

Speaker 1 Jake, how do you do it?

Speaker 1 I don't even know what that argument is.

Speaker 19 It's not an argument.

Speaker 1 That's the most recency biased argument I've ever heard.

Speaker 4 I think they're making the argument because

Speaker 4 Jersey City is Coach Cal.

Speaker 5 I think there's some Jersey City.

Speaker 1 Right, I understand it's a blue blood, but 15 over a one, it's a one-time thing.

Speaker 6 15 over a two is like seven or eight times.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Lehigh.

Speaker 1 Over Duke. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I think it's not even a debate. They said maybe 60, 40.
I'll tweet out the poll right now.

Speaker 1 Okay. That's, that's, that's an insane.

Speaker 6 I said new NBC over Virginia, and I was numbers.

Speaker 4 I think sometimes your co-hosts on the podcast. Like, I don't know how they function in real life.
I feel like they walk around on their heads.

Speaker 4 Just like seeing the world completely upside down sometimes.

Speaker 1 Man, I'm sorry, Jake. That's brutal.

Speaker 1 I love them. Oh, I love them too.

Speaker 4 I love them, but they are insane clinically.

Speaker 1 I guess

Speaker 4 you know who should host that show instead of you would be Emmanuel Acho. I think they would the three of them.

Speaker 4 Oh, by the way, he asked somebody, he proactively asked somebody to reach out to me to ask me to block him, which I did not do. And then he blocked me too.
So now I lost one of my Carson Wentz stands.

Speaker 4 So I'm looking actively for a new psychopath to stand Carson Wentz with me.

Speaker 1 Emmanuel Acho, I

Speaker 1 just be ready, man, because Content Kim is coming after you.

Speaker 9 I still have her Twitter account from when we get Sling Sleepers, so that will be my burner.

Speaker 4 I've been firing my burner at him all cylinders.

Speaker 1 Jake, great job. Thank you.

Speaker 1 All ends in New Orleans. So excited.
Man, what a tournament.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm excited to be there with you guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You've never been to a Final Four?

Speaker 6 I have been to a Final Four. I have a sad story to share.

Speaker 1 I told you this. Oh, wait.
What?

Speaker 1 I told you this. Okay, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's not that sad.
Okay.

Speaker 6 Yeah. So 2016, I was a sophomore.

Speaker 1 You told me someone died and I forgot.

Speaker 6 No. Just like, bummer.
Yeah, yeah. 2016, Syracuse, I was a sophomore at Syracuse.
They made the Final Four as a 10-seed. Went down to Houston.
They got smoked by UNC.

Speaker 1 I was there. Oh, were you? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Nee Caleb.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's awesome.

Speaker 6 And I went back to school. I missed the greatest championship shot ever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's a totally normal thing.

Speaker 6 A lot of fans leave when their team loses, but it's like, I'm regretting it.

Speaker 1 In 2014, I left after Kentucky beat Wisconsin.

Speaker 6 Fair, but knowing you missed the greatest shot ever.

Speaker 1 I think you'll make up for it this time. The Final Four is great, too.
It's like just middle-aged white dudes walking around in sweatpants for three days.

Speaker 6 And a lot of lawyers. Yeah, a lot of lawyers.

Speaker 4 Well, yeah, no, because if you want to get down there, you have to have a lot of money to be able to get in the building. So it's guys that are,

Speaker 4 they will party. Yes.
Lawyers.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Billy, very important.

Speaker 1 Where are we at? So we're not in the, we're not.

Speaker 16 It could be way worse being that there'd be no positive scenarios in the Final Four.

Speaker 4 Yeah, if we lost all our money.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah, that would be.

Speaker 4 So it's about 50-50.

Speaker 16 Kansas and UNC, if they win at all, they come out positive. So we would have made money.
We'd be up $651 if UNC won. We'd be up $31 if Kansas won.

Speaker 1 Just money.

Speaker 16 And then Duke and Villanova are both we'd be down a K.

Speaker 1 We'd be down a K.

Speaker 16 Duke or Villanova won.

Speaker 4 So one thing we didn't have to do.

Speaker 1 Did you only bet a K of it?

Speaker 16 Right. So I I have 600 left for this exact scenario.

Speaker 1 I think we got to let it ride on something.

Speaker 16 Yeah, so I'm thinking. I got to parlay.

Speaker 1 I was thinking perfect segue, but yeah.

Speaker 16 I'm thinking parlaying Duke and Villanova because if both of them win, then we're going to be in total.

Speaker 16 Both are negative scenarios, so we got to load up something on the screen.

Speaker 4 We'll have something to root for in the championship.

Speaker 1 Wait, right.

Speaker 4 Now, something we haven't discussed yet, though, is we probably should. That's on us for giving you the money, then not talking to you.
I'm going to give you back the money.

Speaker 4 What the the payment plan was on it so

Speaker 4 yeah what percentage of the profits if any are we expected to give to you I'm just gonna give it all back to you guys okay cool and I'll match

Speaker 1 to myself I'll match the portion to myself I'm also gonna say so say what we should do whatever amount we we're left with wait fuck do they do do they change how the women's Final Four goes now it's Sunday night Not Tuesday night?

Speaker 6 It's usually the night after.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure they double check, though. I was going to say we should take all the money and let it ride on the women's championship.
Give a little shine to the ladies. That'd be nice.

Speaker 1 Yep, I'm down.

Speaker 16 For a second, I thought you were going to ask me to make a whole new spreadsheet for the women's championship.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's exactly what I want.

Speaker 1 I know they changed it. April 3rd, which I believe is

Speaker 1 Tuesday. Oh.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Sunday. So there's a day.
They changed it. Yeah.
All right, so we'll have to make a decision on Sunday morning, Billy.

Speaker 1 We'll talk about it, and you're going to be still in New Jersey, so you'll be able to place a bet.

Speaker 16 Thank God St. Peter's didn't win because I wouldn't have been able to put a future bet on it in the first place because of New Jersey.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 So that would have been really bad. So, so, okay.

Speaker 1 Because I had $5 on St.

Speaker 16 Peter's

Speaker 16 future to win it all when I was outside of New Jersey.

Speaker 1 They also, I think I saw a lot of books because when you bet on New Jersey, in New Jersey, you can't bet on New Jersey teams. So they'll have

Speaker 1 title odds excluding, like your bet is void if a New Jersey team wins, and it only had excluding Ruckers and Seton Hall.

Speaker 1 They forgot to put it in St. Peter's.

Speaker 4 What if they did in the Final Four, who do you think is going to win?

Speaker 4 Duke, UNC,

Speaker 4 or I guess it would be Duke, Villanova, Kansas, or the field. And then the field would just be literally St.
Peter's. Could you get away with that, I wonder?

Speaker 1 No, I don't think so. Hmm.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So pretty stupid laws.

Speaker 4 So we're rooting for UNC?

Speaker 16 Yes, hard. Okay.
Until I got to put something together to try to get some better situations for Duke and Villanova.

Speaker 1 Okay. You let us know how it goes, and then we will, after Saturday night, we'll make a decision on what we're going to do with the women's championship game on Sunday night, even though

Speaker 1 we'll have a good picture of where we're at.

Speaker 1 So, Hank. That leads you.
Leads us to you. You're hot.
I'm hot.

Speaker 5 I'll give a quick, just a quick backstory because you're very involved in this, too.

Speaker 5 I did have a good hungry dog season. I took my money out.
I hadn't been really gambling much.

Speaker 5 So, in the beginning of this tournament, on Thursday, I deposited three grand after like a million bets over the weekend. I think I was up to 4,500.

Speaker 5 You texted me to take Houston Sunday night at like 2 a.m.

Speaker 1 Did that. This was Houston versus Arizona.

Speaker 5 Houston versus Arizona. Yeah, this is before the Sweet 16.

Speaker 5 So I did that, and then I think I had like 3,600 left after that Houston money line bet and St. Peter's for $500.
I had $3,500 left. I said, fuck it.
Big Cat's doing game of the year.

Speaker 5 I'm going to put all of that on Duke minus four. So all three of those bets hit.
I was feeling good about myself. Big Cat had the game of the year.
I felt good about the game of the year myself.

Speaker 5 I understood his logic, Miami versus Iowa State.

Speaker 5 Easy. I took everything that I was up, put that on Miami.
So that was, that was, yeah, it was responsible. It was winnings.
I was taking my winnings, and

Speaker 8 I loved the bet.

Speaker 5 So that was $6,000 grand to win 11 grand. And then me and Big Cat were texting again on Friday night and I was like, dude, I love UNC.

Speaker 5 There's no way that they're going to let, you know, NCAA wants Duke and UNC bad. And Big Hat was like, well, then Duke money line, UNC money line is the pick.
That went off in my head. It clicked.

Speaker 5 It sparked something in my mind. On Saturday, I drove to Pennsylvania, like an hour away, just so I could put this bet in.

Speaker 1 You can't bet on the UNC St. Peter's game.

Speaker 5 Yeah, so I bet that 11 grand, the Tobacco Road tsunami, that hit. So now I'm up a shit ton, and I'm just trying to figure out what my next move is.

Speaker 5 I'm thinking about taking some out, maybe booking a vacation or a summer house or something. Typical.
But part of me, well, yeah, obviously, you got to do something with it.

Speaker 5 Otherwise, Hank, you're not young anymore.

Speaker 4 You shouldn't be booking summer houses.

Speaker 5 You got to make it worth it. Otherwise, it's like if you just keep it on the sports book, there's no reason.
But

Speaker 5 I'm thinking the Celtics are like the hottest team in the NBA right now. Best defense, best offense.
Duke, Celtics, championship future.

Speaker 4 Okay, so

Speaker 4 I don't mind the fact that you're out here trying some crazy shit, taking risks because it's been paying off for you. I don't love the fact that you're going cross sports here.

Speaker 4 I don't like that you could get.

Speaker 1 It's Brotherhood. It's all connected.
Brotherhood.

Speaker 4 Jason Tatum. And then you'll have to wait for your next winner.

Speaker 1 Well, I have a lot to play with. I wouldn't put 28 grand on it.
The scary thing is, if Duke doesn't win at all, then you basically don't have your Celtics future. That's true, but

Speaker 5 that's not going to happen.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 God turns out. I mean, okay,

Speaker 1 well, let's think.

Speaker 4 What would the NCAA-rigged bet be? I think it would probably be Kansas and Duke Moneyline.

Speaker 8 I agree.

Speaker 5 That's the can't lose parlay. That does.
So do that. I think I...
Well, I have... I can mess around a little bit.
I do want to do one whale play for

Speaker 5 next weekend to keep the people going.

Speaker 4 I mean, the ultimate NCAA rigged parlay would be Duke Moneyline, Kansas Moneyline, and Future on Duke winning the Natty.

Speaker 1 Or Duke Moneyline, Kansas Moneyline, Future on Celtics winning the championship. 1,000 pays 23.

Speaker 5 Wait, on Duke Moneyline, Kansas Moneyline, and Celtics Championship?

Speaker 1 Yeah, 5,000 pays $115,000. That's it.

Speaker 4 When we're talking about these big, anytime I see something like over $20,000 in an account, I just think that's a car. Yeah.
You should get a car.

Speaker 5 Or somewhere else.

Speaker 1 All right. Well,

Speaker 1 this won't blow up in face. Champagne paste.
No, yeah. No, this won't blow up in your face.
I'm now feeling a lot more confident about UNC. This is what I needed.
I needed some ridiculous.

Speaker 1 Like Hank, Hank is great when he's using his logic, not when he's doing this.

Speaker 4 Well, no, what we're dealing with right now is like dangerously confident, Hank. Right.
It's a terrible. Yeah, that half little smile that Hank takes.

Speaker 1 Patriots Hank has joined the chat. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I tried to tell you.

Speaker 1 You guys are texting me. I tried to share these bets with you.

Speaker 5 PFT was like, no, I'm taking Arkansas. I was like, that is the dumbest thing you could do.

Speaker 5 I tried to tell you.

Speaker 1 There was a great moment.

Speaker 4 I hit St. Peter's money line.
I had some cash burns in my pocket.

Speaker 1 There was a great moment on Saturday night, PFT, when Hank and Marty, Duke was up like 20, and they're like, people just hate us. And Marty's like, oh, because I'm a Yankees and Duke fan.

Speaker 1 And Hank's like, yeah, I'm a Patriots and Duke fan. I was like, oh, my God, these guys.

Speaker 4 So, no, I mean, I kind of went through this a little bit during football season with Hank, but the fact that all his teams are so good, like, I've just kind of accepted the fact that there's something.

Speaker 4 Hank is a winner. Hank personally.

Speaker 4 He wins things all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, this is going to be.

Speaker 4 And I think it's a testament to Hank. It's not about the Patriots.
It's not about Coach K.

Speaker 4 I would bet on Hank. Yeah.
If there was like an ability to bet on a batter,

Speaker 4 I'm taking Hank moneyline.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I won't let you down.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't let you down. Think about it.
We've gotten this whole thing. Like, we talked about Coach K's farewell tour.
This has all been leading up to Hank. Like, Hank is going to New Orleans.

Speaker 1 He's now a suit, so he gets to stay in the suite and everything. He's, you know, director of content.
He gets everything he wants.

Speaker 4 Vice President.

Speaker 1 He's going to actually be able to trade business cards with Dookies on Bourbon Street at like 4 a.m. But this is all leading up to Hank's, the best weekend of Hank's life.

Speaker 1 And he's going to get to watch his team and his coach cut down the nets and walk away. And it's

Speaker 5 fun it is to celebrate a championship on Bourbon Street.

Speaker 1 We do. I feel like Duke fans probably will be a little bit more.
No, they'll be doing their taxes because it is close to April 15th. I mean, I got to get to sleep.

Speaker 4 What we saw last time was LSU winning a national championship in New Orleans.

Speaker 4 Yeah, this is probably going to be crazier, Duke, for sure.

Speaker 1 I was going to say something I'm not going to say because it was

Speaker 1 a lot of trouble. I'm not going to say what I was going to say.

Speaker 4 Daniel Jones and Bates having like half a hand grenade and then going to sleep.

Speaker 1 Dude, don't let Bates Jones get hot. Coach K needs to play him more.

Speaker 4 Grant Hill having

Speaker 4 half of a T and falling asleep.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm fucking Gymnas. Who will Gymnants give his tie to? Because Duke doesn't have any seniors because they'd already take a tie.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It is. This is torture.
Am I wrong, though? No, you're not. This is torture.

Speaker 4 It's Coach K.

Speaker 1 This is absolute torture.

Speaker 4 He's probably going to give it to Coach K's grandson.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's possible.

Speaker 6 Or Mickey.

Speaker 4 He'd be like, like, Here, give this to your driver that your grandfather's purchased.

Speaker 1 See, Coach K, please don't take a picture. He's so sick of all this attention.
It's not about him. This is going to be sickening.
Please, UNC. I bought so much UNC gear.
I just need them so bad.

Speaker 1 I need them so, so bad. Let's go for six.

Speaker 1 Oh, you motherfucker.

Speaker 1 13.

Speaker 4 66. 25.
11.

Speaker 1 Six and 8.

Speaker 1 Nice pick, bro.

Speaker 1 72. Did we just have some back to back? Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Damn. PMT rigged.
Love you guys.

Speaker 16 People in India wear masks on the back of their head to make sure that tigers don't sneak up on them.

Speaker 1 Love you guys.

Speaker 4 Libs.

Speaker 4 Pretty soon Fauci's going to have us doing that here, too.

Speaker 1 Rex Chapman teach you that one?

Speaker 1 Locker charge. This guy in India got eaten by a tiger because he didn't have his mask

Speaker 1 Talking away,

Speaker 1 though I don't know what to

Speaker 1 say, I'm saying

Speaker 1 his way.

Speaker 1 Today's another day to find you shy away.

Speaker 1 I've been coming for your love of me.

Speaker 1 Shy it away.

Speaker 1 I've been coming for your love of king. Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 I'll be

Speaker 1 gone

Speaker 1 Leadless to say

Speaker 1 I won't say it's but I'll be stirring away

Speaker 1 Tell me that life is okay

Speaker 1 Say I'm to me

Speaker 1 It's the better to be safe and and sorry

Speaker 1 Say I'm to me

Speaker 1 It's the better to be safe and sorry Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 I'll be

Speaker 1 gone

Speaker 1 in a drive too

Speaker 1 Things that you say

Speaker 1 the light of

Speaker 1 just play my burrito.

Speaker 1 You're all things I've got to remember.

Speaker 1 You're shy and away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 You're shy and away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 on.

Speaker 1 I'll

Speaker 1 gone

Speaker 1 in a day.