March Madness Day 1, Coach Frank Martin And NFL Free Agency

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Today is Monday, March 28th.

And the Blue Blood Invitational is set.

The Final Four is ready to go.

The Holy War, Duke vs. UNC, Kansas and Villanova, we're there.

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When your home system or appliance breaks down, American home shield will help fix or replace the covered item no matter its age visit ahs.com slash listen for 20 off any plan see ahs.com slash contracts for coverage details limitations and exclusions that's that's so mean that's fucked hank that's hey that's a dookie for you though they. I'm sorry.
They thumbed their nose at everyone else. The state schools.
Yeah, exactly. It's like, okay, safety school.
Hank could have gotten there with his eyes closed. Yeah.
Hank got a full academic scholarship to NC State. Turned it down.
I do think, though, that if you would see, and it's interesting, like everyone's going to say, oh, these two teams have never played before in the NCAA tournament. Have you heard that one yet? Wait, what? No, that's first reported by us on Parted by Take.

First time, you must credit, if you see anybody saying that this is the first time they're playing in the history of the tournament,

that stat actually came from us initially.

I think that we're in a position where if UNC wins,

that would be an all-time vindication for Roy Williams

being a better head coach than Coach K.

Not only all the stats that we've laid out before you showing what Roy Williams has done since he got to Carolina at that same time period against Coach K's teams, but if Roy Williams picked the perfect time to walk away and his hand-chosen successor beat Coach K, who stuck around for a year-long suck fest, only to have the most talented team in college basketball that ended up losing to Roy Williams' hand-picked successor after he walked away with no retirement suck fest. I think that's another feather in the cap for Roy.
He also, though, has – it could go the other way for him. UNC could lose, and Kansas could win it all, and then Bill Self, he already has a better resume at Kansas than Roy Williams did, but it would be like a total dunk-on of his resume at Kansas versus Roy Williams.
I would be fine with that. Yeah, he was a better Kansas coach than Roy Williams.
Roy Williams was better in the state of North Carolina than Coach K. So, you know, this is going to be, on a personal level, this is, I would imagine, the biggest game of my life where neither of my teams have anything to do with it.
I was trying to think about it. Like obviously a, a big Packers playoff game or LeBron in the finals, but this is, it's everything you love about sports because I like if UNC wins, it will be one of the best nights ever again, without my team involved.
If Duke wins, it couldn't be more of a storybook like ride for, for he's already I've already admitted some defeat because getting to the final four is like his farewell tour has worked and I also just want to say Hank I feel for Coach K at this point in the farewell tour he had a quote on Wednesday where he said it wears on you a little bit because everywhere you walk everyone is taking a picture of you and they're watching everything and i just like this poor guy everyone's trying to take a picture of him on this tour that he announced 10 months ago i never saw this come that was never the idea never ever it was all about the players all the time so coach k living in a fishbowl here again after announcing his retirement tour 10 months ago and then making everyone suck him off for 10 months straight i feel bad for him his penis is probably tired hank he's been sucked dry yeah and he's still got five more days there's only so much you can produce so um yeah this i it's this is monumental i'm very very nervous for this this weekend because it's all... I spent all day Saturday...
I actually made myself...

Maybe my favorite made like the best the best uh twitter big cats ever performance ever had i i made myself saturday it was like porn i made myself sick i made myself sick on saturday i said were you durham dan i i and i was i was dookieie Dan. I ended up Saturday night having a splitting headache

because I spent all day Saturday looking up obscure Coach K facts

and tweeting about how he was already in the Final Four.

I even had Quigs and memes work up a Photoshop

that I pretended that Duke deleted a tweet,

and everyone thought it was real.

So I had to actually be like, yo, wait, this isn't real.

Wait, what tweet was it? It was uh congrats on your 13th final four from the duke men's basketball like they accidentally tweeted that ahead of time right before the game i was like okay i spent all day trying to jinx duke and then right before the game i tweeted it was like guys i'm a little nervous that that duke just jinxed this and everyone took it as real and was like ncaa rigged we like you got you're telling me this isn't already set did you get reported for misinformation i didn't i don't know but i know that count has been flagged i know that i looked at the quote tweets after like 10 minutes and everyone was like this shit is so rigged they already fucking know they're in the final four that would have been that would have been very funny if big cat and the the Babylon Bee were the two people out there fighting to get back onto Twitter. Yeah, so it's been a hellacious time.
I don't know. I'm getting dunked on by Grayson Allen on Thursday night.
There's an extra special thing that sucks that happens is when I get dunked on. And I retweet it because, you know, I deserve to get dunked on.

I went game of the year on Texas Tech.

It didn't work out.

I always will eat my humble pie when things blow up in my face.

But I retweeted it.

And then, like, two seconds later, I see Henry Lockwood retweeted it

because he saw me retweet it.

But it was a different retweet that was not in the spirit of good fun.

Yeah, and he saw me retweet it.

So he then spite retweeted it in my face.

No, it was a great – it was like, thank you for bringing this to my attention. What you did was targeted harassment.
Correct. Yeah, that's exactly...
When Big Cat did it, it was like, oh, I can joke about myself. Yeah, like, I can eat it.
It's like promotion. It's like, you know, we're in a sports podcast.
I just hate seeing that. Is Big Cat the...
Is he the first person that has ever been dunked on by Grayson Allen? No, he's thrown down. The other one yesterday that came out of Spider, it came out of this joking phrase, but the Bear, Chris Falica, replied to one of your tweets talking about how they're going to go to the Final Four already before the game.
He said, today they will beat Arkansas, which beat them in the 1994 title game. He will avenge loss to UNC in final game at Cameron.
And then he will beat Kansas in title game. Wins his last game and last title versus the same team he beat for his first title.
It is laid out like a storybook right now. I almost cried.
It's kind of crazy. This is NCAA race.
That is not crazy. Because fucking Coach K has been coaching for 200 fucking years.
Of course he's played every team in the tournament. The guy won't fucking give up a job just like he did with USA basketball.
Three in a row is beautiful. A team that you lost to in the championship.
You forgot Izzo. Yeah, I guess that too.
Who did they beat in the— Fullerton. Yeah, Fullerton.
Somebody find me that storyline out there that somehow connects Coach K to Cal State Fullerton. I mean, Jake's going to talk about running out of loads.
He's going to come himself every single day. Did you see some of the connections I made last night? I do want to see, though, Jake, that'll be a good project for you.
Figure out, because that's going to be the missing piece. Somebody will be able to connect a dot on every single one of Coach K's victories this March Madness, except Fullerton.
So if you have that extra, I did this as a joke yesterday and I made myself so fucking sick doing it because I found some insane stats. So coach, I don't know why I'm repeating this.
It's again, it makes me want to fucking jump in front of a bus, but coach K the most, the, the site that has held the most final fours in his career since he'd been at Duke is the Superdome. Yet he never has been to a Final Four in the Superdome.
He even had a stretch where he went to seven out of nine Final Fours. The two that he didn't go during that stretch were in the Superdome.
And one of them was won by Bobby Knight, his mentor. The other was won by Dean Smith and UNC in 93.
Wow. Also, the one that made me really sick is he has made the Final Four from every region except the West.

He finally did that last night.

He completed the perfect bracket.

Even though he wanted to be in the Midwest.

Yes.

All these stats.

He beats John Wooden with the most Final Fours.

It's just sickening.

And there's a documentary camera.

But again, this is what is great about sports because saturday night is nuts on the table lungs liver stomach heart brain everything is on the table for this game it's duke carolina have they ever met in the tournament uh let me look it up no they actually haven't so despite the fact that they've combined for Final Fours, they've never met in the NCAA tournament. Off the top of my head, I think Kentucky and Marquette have met the most with 10.
Wow. And everything is in there.
Everything is in there. Like if UNC wins this game, it will be devastation for Duke.
And if Duke wins this game, it will be like his last loss in loss in Cameron doesn't count I know this and the worst part is like on a purely basketball standpoint Duke's playing fucking unbelievable like I'll admit it they are playing lights out basketball they're so goddamn good on the offensive side of the ball and like everyone that they needed because I've unfortunately spent enough time around Hank and and Rico and Marty that I know all the players on Duke. All the guys they were complaining about in January are playing their balls off now.
No, they're a fun team. I don't know shit about college basketball.
They're not fun. And from when I started watching them, I actually saw them that tip-off game against Kentucky.
I checked in with Duke a few times over the course of the year. They seem like they have the best team.
When you have Bancaro, Roach, and Kiehl's all playing well. At the same time, I don't think that you can stop them.
They hated Roach in January. They thought Mark Williams couldn't do anything in January.
Mark Williams is awesome now. Now these guys are like all-stars.
Oh, also, I just thought of this. I popped in my head because you mentioned that first game uh didn't kentucky win that game did they beat duke no i know kentucky kicked the shit out of kansas so that's gotta hurt to know that you you beat the fuck out of a team that is in the final four i will also be claiming this duke national championship on behalf of northern virginia because they have two guys that went to school at chantantilly.
Hell yeah. Like right down the street.
This is a Nova championship. And actually, you know what? Think about this, Big Ed.
If they beat UNC, they get to the championship game, wouldn't it be sweeter to see Coach K go out losing in the national championship on the biggest possible stage? Oh yeah. That would be awesome.
But again, I'm running out of time. I've done everything.
I went game of the year on his ass. I went fucking reverse and Dookie Dan on his ass all day.
Made me want to kill myself. Now I'm going to put him in the CLP.
I'm running out of bullets. I don't know what else to do.
It's going to happen. I've kind of come to terms with the fact that it's probably going to happen.
Are we going to leave the room? No, it's going to make make me so, so a part of me will die. A part of me will die when Coach K cuts down the nets one last time.
And I have to watch it. And I'm just like, how? And then they're going to put out the documentary.
And I'm going to watch the documentary because I have to. Because I have to find the points when he's being an egomaniac and a piece of shit and clip that post.
Oh, you don't think he's going to be the one that has final cut of that? But I don't think he knows how fucking ridiculous he is when he's like, I'm just sick of everyone taking pictures of me and making this about me. He has no self-awareness of that.
I hope they include the part where he told Paolo Bancaro to shut up last night on the court. That was something.
Yeah. He came out.
Salt. He was just like, this is the goat right here, which, by the way, john wooden is a goat uh but she did but so did coach camp everybody cheated yes um oh by the way i figured out why i say wooten i was watching the games and my dad last night we were talking about the best coaches he incessantly refers to john wooden as john wooten yeah which is i guess that's like a regional dialect that i picked up from him but just the region just being your home? Yeah, no, it's as Bruce Allen would say, the McLean accent that he's got that throws off.
But yeah, Paolo Benquero was on the court being like, this is the GOAT. And Coach K, what does he say? He doesn't say, oh, thanks, that's so nice.
Or this is my favorite player. No, Paolo, you're the GOAT.
No, he says, shut the fuck up and get off the camera. Shut the fuck up.
Go get another vodka soda. Yeah.
I have the Cal State Fullerton potential connection. It was their first time ever playing each other, but on the date they played each other, Mike Trashefsky was introduced as Duke's head coach on that date in 1980.
Wow. Yeah.
Wait, that was when? When they played Cal State Fullerton. Was the last time? Wait.
Oh, that date. Got it.
Got it. did you that Superdome stat was crazy yeah that fucking makes me so sick I gotta do some research on the Superdome and figure out exactly what the uh what the play is going to be for the over-unders well these final four games some some football stadiums are good for points some are really bad for well over-unders are on the unders on on 11-1 streak right now in the Sweet 16 Elite Eight.

So this Elite Eight was exactly why I said this to start the tournament.

I want upsets early, favorites late,

and I'm not even going to blame the great run by St. Peter's

or the great run by Miami or even Arkansas who stunned Gonzaga.

I'm going to blame the guys who lost.

Gonzaga, like, fuck you. Kentucky, fuck you.
Auburn, fuck you. Like, you guys ruined the Elite Eight for everyone else.
Tennessee, fuck you. Yeah, you ruined it for everyone else.
So, St. Peter's, that was, we all knew it was going to end.
When it was going to end, it was going to end very badly, and that was, I mean, it was never even close. We always say, like, if a team pulls off that upset, 99 times out of 100, UNC wins this game.
Yeah, this was one of the 99 times. Yeah, and also, no one hated that game more than Matt Painter because he was watching that game being like, wait, this wasn't, what's happening here? I thought this team was really good.
What a bad job he did that Purdue did against them. Like, you have, them outsized.
You've got one of the best players in the entire country. And then you just show up and you get dominated by guys that probably, position to position, you were probably four to five inches short of them across the board.
That was a really bad game plan that they had. Also, St.
Peter's hit a lot of good shots in that game. But the slipper is off of the peacocks yeah and I we should we should at least mention because I I think unfortunately for Nova and Kansas fans they're basically in the back seat for this final four even though they are blue bloods and have like you know incredible history basketball history and fans and everything but this is this is not going to be about them like trigger warning it's not going to be about you for the next five days, six days.
But Villanova, terrible that Moore got hurt. They are the most consistent team in the country.
Like, they just, everyone had Houston. Everyone had Houston.
And it's like, oh, okay, Villanova's getting points. Like, that game was very difficult to watch, but Villanova just does it.
How soon do you think until we see Nick Sirianni showing up with a Villanova? Oh, for sure. He's probably getting like a big V tattooed on his arm.
He's definitely got it. And then Kansas, like they deserve all the credit because they had the softest bracket, but guess what? They took care of business.
That second half, they skull fucked Miami. And I feel bad for Miami because they were, they did win the game of the year on Friday night but they that was just like oh okay yeah Kansas is really really really good and Bill Self credit to Kansas for having the situational awareness in the locker room after no one no one does the water on Bill Self's hair because he's got a toupee so that's very smart it's it is like a pretty good toupee as far as toupees go.
For somebody that spends that much time in front of a camera,

especially with the high angles that they have that point down on coaches,

you can always tell probably five years before a college football coach

is actually going bald, you can spot it from those angles.

But his toupee is a good one.

But I feel like he also has to change the color of it once every like month or so because the rest of the fbi the rest of the hair is like going slightly gray so he has to almost reverse just for men the right but it is very funny because i noticed that and i was like oh yeah i bet you if this toupee gets wet it won't get wet and people be like hey why is this guy's hair not wet yeah like it just it just it wicks off like fucking astroturf he he would look hilarious if he just went full bald if he had like the horseshoe i'm talking like he just took the toupee off i i don't remember like ever seeing kind of a a frumpy just straight up bald dude coaching a successful men's basketball team well i guess rick jeres wasn't frumpy he was he was just a hoss i have some little nuggets related to your guys over you don't know what you're going to take yet uh 2012 superdome new orleans semi-finals 130 126 championship 126 that was was that 35 second though what 35 second shot clock oh yeah okay so we gotta look deeper into that scoring yeah but but that's around where totals were when it was 35-second shot clock. Fair, yeah.
But those are all probably under numbers. Possibly.
I'll look into it. What awesome alumni do you think we're going to see down there? Do you think we can get Mark Mangino in Kansas? Well, Mark Mangino, but what about, I mean, everyone's going to be down there.
Marty Mush, Henry Lockwood. You got the fucking best.
Seinfeld. Seinfeld, Adam Silver.
Kevin Hart. Tony Romo.
What team will Kevin Hart... Jason Garrett.
That's a big question. Kevin Hart's got a lot of choices.
Whatever team pays him the most money. Yeah.
I can see Kevin Hart showing up in any of the four colors. I can see JB Smoove showing up.
I think it's going to be a star-studded weekend. Yeah, MJ will be there, but he's definitely going to just show up right before tip and helicopter to his seat out.
Do you think MJ goes out and parties in New Orleans? I feel like he's got probably a steakhouse or a bar that he owns in every single city. There's a casino.
There is. I'd say it's a casino.
Is there low-key beef with MJ in Carolina, too? But he was there for the... Oh, yeah, the ceiling is the roof.
Yeah, and he was also there for the finals when Villanova hit the shot. J.J.
Redick already said that he's going to be there, and he tweeted he's going to be insufferable this week. I don't know why that's a change from how he usually is.
I love J.J. I hate him right now.
But it's athlete. Zion's going to be back in the mix big time because he's in New Orleans.

Oh, it's a city.

He's hosting it.

Wait, do we know where he is, though?

Because even his teammates don't know where he's at.

Last I saw from Zion, he was practicing basketball on a court that had trample.

It was basically a slam ball court.

If you watch the video, either he's so big that he makes the wood bend underneath him

or he's practicing on mini tramps to show people he can still dunk.

It would be funny if he came out and, like, I know there coin toss but if it was just like a pancake or something like that zion's just eating it's his city people love him in new orleans you think james is going to be there uh no he's training yeah it's comeback season definitely it's big time comeback season i'm trying to think who else uh paul rudd possibly he's usually in the mix for sure uh what's his name um other guy uh rob low rob riggle yep we'll be there kirk kirk kirk captain kirk i would love to get a picture of captain kirk um yeah it should be caleb presley no no no oh i feel. I feel like that's going to change, but as of tonight, it was a no.

Mitch Trubisky?

Yeah, Mitch.

Mitch should be there.

Mitch should be there.

Not only is he a UNC guy, but he has an enormous track record of success in that building.

I believe that's where he won the MVP.

It is.

It is.

That's the MVP.

The MVP is in the building.

Yeah, MVP Mitch.

I'm excited, though.

This is, I don't know.

Jake, you were saying some people said this is a boring Final Four.

I It is. That's MVP.
The MVP is in the building. Yeah, MVP Mitch.
I'm excited, though. This is – I don't know.
Jake, you were saying some people said this is a boring Final Four. I think this is one of the most exciting Final Fours.
It's a journalist's dream. Yeah.
Well, also a fan's dream. Yeah, it's boring.
I would say a fan's dream as well because it's – I mean, all the storylines. And a special fuck you to – there's a group of people out there that I've noticed um who are like i don't like duke but you gotta admit this is really cool no i fucking hate those people no i do not they're like i don't like duke but something about coach k going out the right way has me like feeling some way okay no dude shut up then you you like duke you like duke no to any sports fan, I think any rational thinking person who is a fan of sports, a fan of greatness, would feel the same way.
Unless you have a personal vendetta against Coach K or Duke, there's no reason why you shouldn't. Yeah, probably because he beat all their teams.
But there's no reason why as a neutral sports fan, you don't look at the story and be like, that's awesome. All right, Duke is binary.
Duke is, if you don't have an opinion about Duke, I don't trust you as a sports fan. Either you love Duke or you hate them.
You can't be like, I don't know. I never really had an opinion about Duke.
I do think, though, that it's good for the conversation around it. It's exciting in the sense that everybody feels some type of way about this game that's about to happen.
Yeah, that's fine. So exciting is one thing, but it's not being like, you know, as somebody who's not a Duke fan, I'm not like pumped that Duke's going to be there.
No. I'm excited to talk about Duke being there.
Yeah, that's fine. And I'm excited for like all the trappings that go around it and getting to make fun of Duke and hopefully watch Duke lose there.
But that doesn't mean that I'm like, you know what?

I can put aside my emotion and just say this is making for excellent cops.

Dude, that actually is happening right now.

And I just want to give a mini speech to all of the Duke haters out there that we've, listen,

you've been tortured.

This guy has tortured college basketball for 40 years.

He's made it all about himself.

He's won all these titles.

He's gone to 13 Final Fours. He's basically just sucked up all the oxygen of college basketball for 40 years.
He's made it all about himself. He's won all these titles.
He's gone to 13 final fours. He's basically just sucked up all the oxygen of college basketball.
Don't let up now. We're right there.
We're at the finish line. We have to close ranks.
We have to have each other's back. If you hate Duke, continue to hate Duke.
Do not, like, just because fucking Mickey Krzyzewski shows up looking kind of hot, don't be oh coach K I'm feeling some kind of way about this guy add that to the list Hank yeah that's definitely on the list that's fine um I did have one guy being like I could never imagine during Dookie Dan on Saturday some guy was like coach K is one of those guys I could never imagine having sex and I just I almost threw up I as I was typing it I threw it up like, are you kidding me, dude? Mike K. fucks like a stallion.
And I was like, I can't believe I just tweeted this. I retweeted that one, too.
I don't think he doesn't fuck. He makes love.
But let's just stay focused. Don't let anyone.
There's going to be stories written about like, I never really liked Duke. But you got to admit, this is really cool for Coach K like, wouldn't this be sweet? No, it would not.
If you have that moment for like one second, slap yourself in the face and realize that he will have this over us forever. And we'll have to watch a documentary and Duke fans will get to talk about how it was the greatest thing ever.
Duke fans have never gotten to go to New Orleans. Like they haven't gone to New Orleans.
And they shouldn't be allowed because they're fucking losers. I don't think that Duke alumni are cool enough to be in New Orleans.
Anyone need a lawyer this weekend? Yeah, maybe they represent Tulane, like a Tulane kid that gets arrested for drunk driving his car down Bourbon Street. Oh, I feel really bad for bouncers on Bourbon Street this weekend because they're going to get a lot.
I'm a lawyer. My dad's a lawyer.
Don't put your hands on me.

Yeah, don't get into a fight on Bourbon Street.

Not for the usual reasons that you'll get your ass kicked,

but because you will face a tremendous lawsuit that will bankrupt you and your family.

I remember when in 2015 I was talking to a bartender and they're like,

if Duke wins, we're making like a fraction of what we should be making on a Final Four weekend.

Because like no one from Duke's going to party.

Yeah.

So you know how when Clemson goes out and their families go to different away games and they bring $2 bills with them and they pay $2 bills so that way they can show the impact that they're having on the local community. That's a real thing that Clemson does.
Duke is going to be like that except they're just going to have a bunch of business cards that they put into every single tip container. And cease into NDAs.
This is better than a tip. Just passing out NDAs to people on Bourbon Street.
Yeah, it's going to be rough. Keep the hate up.
Let the hate fuel you. Another thing to add to the NCAA rigged pile, a first-year head coach has never won a national championship.
Wow, wait. Who is he playing against? Kevin Olley was not first-year? I don't think so.
I think he might have been. It also might have been an old article that I read earlier today.

It'd be great if the article was like 2010.

Yeah, it could have been.

I don't know.

I know he won very quickly after Jim Calhoun left.

I don't know if it was one or second. How awesome would it be?

2012 to 2018.

Okay, so it was 2014.

Yeah, two years.

How awesome would it be if Coach K got beat by a guy named Hubert?

Yeah, I love Hubert.

Hubert is such a cool name. Some podcasts put him on the hot seat this year.
Not us. I mean, I'll represent the team, but it was an individual.
So we're going to go down that road. I'm excited, though.
This is going to be great. It's awesome.
Tony Bennett and Hubert Davis both on the hot seat by some individual. This is what we call biting your tongue.
You're going to be in the building, right? You're going to be covering it as the J. I'm expecting to be on the roof, but it's going to be unbelievable.
It's going to be so much so much fun press conferences you're going to be at all of them can you please ask a question for us I think we can negotiate nothing that would make me look embarrassing but I can be like a little be like hey coach K some programs are calling you a fucking egomaniac and a piece of shit. Care to comment? Right.

Coach K, what battalion did you serve in in Vietnam?

Like something along the lines of... Take off those fucking camos.

Actually, we should have Billy do that.

Something along the lines of...

There are a lot of people who really, really, really, really want to see you fail.

What do you have to say to them?

Oh, that would be a good one.

I would love that.

Like something along the lines of that.

I would love that.

We need to role play because you're going up against a Titan.

Yeah.

And so you need to say to them? Oh, that would be a good one. I would love that.
Like something along the lines of that. I would love that.
We need to role play because you're going up against a Titan. Yeah.
And so you need to be able to. You can't.
I got Calipari at the beginning of the season. Yeah, but Coach K will tell you to shut the fuck up.
Yeah, let's role play. I'll be Coach K.
You'll be Jake Marsh. Okay.
Yeah, that kid. Was that Belichick? That kid in the back.
Hey, Coach. Not going to wish him good luck.
Listen, let me tell you something about how to phrase a question. I could introduce myself as a student media member and see if I get a different treatment.
He'll fucking have you killed. He'd sniff that out in a second.
Ask him. You know what? If you could ask any question, I would like you to ask, Hey, Coach K, unassailable legacyailable legacy hall of famer greatest coach of all time could you at least dedicate this final four to pete gaudette and see what he would say that would be nice i think the first one's more realistic about the failure be great if he was like at the end was just maybe that would actually that might be the one thing that would make me feel one% less hate if he won it and cut down the nets.
He's like, and really, who should have been here is Pete Gaudette because I fucking screwed that guy over and ruined his career. He should at least give a portion of the net or share a title with him.
Yeah. You know that if he loses, it's going to be like Duke's plane and hotel bill sent to Pete Gunnett's house.
Yeah, that question that I pose is more of like a Friday afternoon media day question than postgame. Because postgame, you're really walking on eggshells, especially if they lose.
Yeah. If they win, maybe.
No, if they lose, I want you to go all in. That's the thing.
Yeah. I want you to go all in.
Be like, Coach K His final press conference ever. If he lost to UNC, be like Coach K.
Many people are saying that this completely ruins your entire legacy and all of your losses are now magnified even more. Care to comment? Well, we'll see.
All right. We'll work.
We have all week to talk about. We'll work it out.
I'm excited. Fortunate.
Yeah. It's going to be great.
It's going to be a great Final Four. This is a Final Four that has just dreamt up in a journalist's wet dream.
Watch it be on your possible wet dream. God, I hope that was the whole week.
You know what, though? This is like in the playoffs. Remember the first week of the NFL playoffs this year? That sucked? Yes.
That's what today was. That's what yesterday was for us.
That just means that the next round of games are going to be fucking awesome. Yeah, no, these are playing the best you can't argue against it i saw people saying like oh unc they're the eight seed they were on the bubble unc beat two teams

in the final four last year they beat the national championship and the other two games they won by

52 combined points they're balling right now yes please unc i need you unc i mean i'm telling you

it would be the perfect storybook ending for every duke hater in the world if unc took them out twice

and I think that such a great time. If you're going to the game.
I don't know if you're going. We'll see.
We'll see. Shout out to game time.
Yes. Maybe they'll help it out.
Game time will get us all in the building. Just depends on where we'll be sitting.
Okay. Emergency breaking news.
We had finished the podcast. We were all home.
We are all home. And Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the oscars and i think it at least got the job done that we all tuned into the oscars um i guess we should start are we all team real well why wait can you explain to maybe people who probably also okay i'll explain yes yes for people who did not watch the oscars chris rock made a joke about jada pinkett will smith's wife uh he made a joke that he is looking forward to jada pinkett being in gi jane 2 jada pinkett has alopecia she's talked about it she can't grow hair uh on her head so she's bald so it was the gi jane marine joke whatever will smith laughed then looked at jada Pinkett, big wife guy energy, saw his wife being like, no, that's not funny.
Stood up, walked up to Chris Rock, open hand, slapped him in the face, went back to his seat and then screamed, keep my wife's name out of your mouth twice. And now everyone's deciding whether it's real or fake.
Go ahead, PFT. Okay.
So I think think that we can see it both ways we still have to learn for some facts to come out here i i personally am team real i think it's very real um but if you were to make the argument that's team fake there are some things that line up for that right one it's the oscars they're literally the best actors in the world in that room. Chris Rock included their, their ratings have been lower than probably they've ever been in the past.
So they need a little bit of a goose. It's like a little, a little WWE energy item.
Number three, Chris Rock weighs like 70 pounds and he kept his pivot foot. If you watch the slap, his body just moves, His pivot foot stays down.
So that you could make the argument that, yes, it's just engineered for people to tune in. Yeah.
Okay. Can I throw some reels out there? I've got no, I think it's real.
So the reel is like, I think a lot of us have probably been in a position next to what Will Smith is dealing with. He's like laughing.
OK, good joke. Good joke.
You got me good. He looks over.
He sees his wife. She did not think it was a good joke.
She was very upset. And Will Smith also had to sit through some jokes about their open marriage at the start of the show, too.
And he's like, fuck, if I don't do anything, she's definitely going to cheat on me again. Like Will Smith has the cuck energy of always having that chip on his shoulder.
So he's like, I got to get up and I got to hit him. I got to be, like you said, a good wife guy.
And I also think he would have done a much better job acting if it was fake instead of like sitting down and looking flustered afterwards. Also, Will Smith's a crazy person and Jada Pinkett Smith's a crazy person.
I'm pretty sure they're Scientologists or at least enough that they've had to like openly deny being Scientologists at multiple times in their career, which like if you have to say I'm not a Scientologist, you're a Scientologist. That's the test right there.
You definitely are a Scientologist. I also think like Will Smith, like he just lost it.
He lost his cool, his speech, the best part about it, if you didn't watch the Oscars, Will Smith was the favorite to win best actor. He wins best actor.
He goes up and gives a speech where he's like pretty much like, yeah, so Richard Williams, Serena and Venus's dad, he protected his family. Love will make you do crazy things.
Never actually thanking Jada Pinkett Smith or acknowledging that he slapped Chris Rock. He never said, sorry, Chris Rock.
He just basically did this long speech where he was like, yeah, I protect my loved ones against innocuous jokes at the Oscars by comedians yeah no he's he's doing the I'm a good husband thing he's trying to get laid he's getting laid right now as you hear the sound of my voice Will Smith better be having sex probably the best sex of his life I think that anytime something like that happens in a public place where two people get into a skirmish and then they're still in the room,

the entire room is going to be thinking about that for the rest of the night.

They had to have gotten up on stage and they had to fight.

They should have fought.

Like I actually had.

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Discover the craftsmanship behind every bite at boarshead.com. Posture, not just like because you actually think someone's going to attack you, but like, oh, someone comes up.
You're like, oh, look who it is. You do something with your hands.
The whole time Chris Rock had his behind his back. And when he got slapped, you know, he was just totally open.
Like no one, when they're reacting to something unexpected makes any sort of just nonchalant doesn't do anything like a counterpoint Billy. I have a counterpoint because he probably didn't expect to get slapped.
I think it's a pretty simple explanation. He saw a famous comedian, actor, celebrity coming up on stage, probably someone that he's relatively friendly with in the past and thought, oh, here comes Will Smith, the consummate showman.
He's going to come up, make a joke at my expense. We'll laugh, hug each other out, and then he'll go back to his seat.
So that's why he might not. He probably probably wasn't ready to fight can i can i ask because i had to go i had to corral stella i have a i have a question for you billy so you billy and hank you both think it's fake watch the extended clip where will where chris rock was positively rattled after yeah so this is i i do come from the camp of like fake until proven real obviously the oscars thing that pft mentioned earlier like if you know the ratings are horrible absolutely all-time low if there's two people you want to get a buzz going who are the two people at the top of that list chris rock will smith i have to digest some more of this afterwards i think obviously we'll be able to see what they say afterwards.
And,

and you know,

the,

the people close to them will be able to confirm or deny it.

But I lean fake.

I lean fake.

I love that.

In Hank's mind,

the two biggest names in show business are Will Smith and Chris rock.

They both moved the needle.

What year are we in right now?

Is this,

if you,

if it was 1998 and I would be like, yeah, you knowanks this is obviously hank is i mean he's spot on on this literally just one best actor in 2022 like that's pretty relevant i would say no i'm not saying he's irrelevant i'm just saying like i don't think i i think that you're being a little bit too woke on this thing no it's like who people do the order of people. I also great disclosure.

I didn't I've only seen on Twitter. Like I haven't seen I haven't seen.
I wasn't watching. We could look like idiots.
PFC. I could look like idiots by saying that it's real.
But I watching all the context and like seeing everything. This would be the greatest work of all time.
The only people right now who are like worse online because the people are like, this is fake. You guys are idiots.
are the people who are saying that Will Smith should go to jail,

including our colleague steven shea who is like chris rock should press charges i i want anyone who actually thinks that chris rock should press charges to go to jail themselves i want them to get i want them to go to jail it's big big time. Skeleban energy.
Quick time.

Quick question.

It is.

It would be the lamest thing in the history of modern media.

If Chris Rock were to like go immediately to the police.

Right.

I'll report on him.

I know I can speak for myself.

I don't know if I can speak for everybody else in this podcast.

We have never once advocated for anybody to go to jail over something trivial like this.

No.

Quick, quick piece of evidence. Wait, wait, wait billy i just real quick because i saw jake out of the corner of my eye nodding along jake you definitely think will smith should go to jail for this right no not at all i think it's i think it's real i'm a tie-breaking boat by the way Okay, I.
I like it. Go ahead.
So you do, Jake. What the fuck, Hank? Your brain is riddled by the internet, Hank.
You have fucking Swiss cheese brain. That's true.
If you go to Will Smith's TikTok, he says that him and Jada are dressed for chaos before the Oscars even happened. They put that on TikTok.

So, I mean, this is 100% chaos,

and that's just more evidence that points to it being fake.

I need to, everything is going to determine on Will Smith and Chris Rock's relationship.

Like, if there's a story that they've had beef

and it's been, like, something that's been brewing for a while,

then it's real.

If it's, like, comes across like they've been friends for a long time from show business and stuff, then I'm saying fake. It is saying, does that make sense? Yeah.
It's crazy. Like if it's like, it could be deeper than, than just tonight, but if it's like their friends and now is the only thing that set them off, like there's no way.
If you look at the sheer physics of the situation, you've got Will Smith played Muhammad Ali, big guy played played the best boxer of all time, got up on stage, slapped, and it was a slap, but it was like a full force slap. He had hip rotation.
He planted, he extended. Billy will tell you all about it.
He was in war mode. He slapped him.
Chris Rock is such a small guy that he played. He had to play a character in the longest yard that wasn't allowed to play football with Adam Sandler.
So he's a small dude and he didn't even move really. Like he ate that like a champ.
Chris Rock has a jaw of steel. Unbelievable performance by Chris Rock.
If it was real. I just I think that if you look at the emotion, the way that the two of them reacted in the immediate aftermath and then you've got like Tyler Perry and Denzel Washington.
Dude, but that's the point, Hank. the immediate aftermath and then you've got like tyler perry and denzel washington dude but that's the point hank the the immediate aftermath of chris rock is why i think it's real he started like he he was shocked and then he he said it was um i think it was the oscar for best documentary by the way that person who won it like sorry dude like you're the biggest moment of your life completely stolen that sucks but he was, we're going to give out some documentaries.
And then he caught himself. He's like, we're going to give out the Oscar for the best documentary.
Like he was rattled, fully rattled. Big winner of the night was whoever had the nip slip right after.
No one's going to talk about that. I didn't even see that.
I just saw it on Twitter. Yep.
I didn't see it. I saw it on Twitter.
Right. What are you going to say, Jake? So the reason I think it's real is, did you guys see that viral video of the commercial break and then like calming him down? Yes.
Yes. So that wasn't on camera.
That wasn't on camera, Hank. Denzel Washington and a couple other people were like, like trying to calm him down.
How did you see it then? What? It wasn't on the broadcast. It was someone in the stands had taken the video.
I mean, this is, I guess this will look stupid, PFT, Jake, and I, if this turns out to be fake. The problem is if you guys can basically play, it's real or it's fake forever.
No, I have said my criteria. It entirely dependent on like their relationship leading up to this night which i don't we'll find out about tomorrow i'll admit i was wrong i'll admit i was wrong also remember like will smith's an open relationship with jada pinkett smith right like they have a very like we've all talked about it that i this is like open relationships are always bullshit because of this like he probably is like well i got it i got to do something otherwise someone else is gonna have sex with her tonight no that's that's what i'm saying he's he is the most publicly cucked celebrity of all time and so you saw his face when when she was talking about the entanglement thing he was like yeah we both discussed about about this and uh we both think it's a good thing that she's allowed to sleep with my friends no like it's it's not he he's upset about it and he knows that he has to be on his a game at all times or else somebody else is going to take her home so he's like okay she's upset then i'm upset there we go i'm husband of the year i did it babe also shout out um this moment was so great because it was literally like right when i walked in my house and i got like a bunch of texts being like was that real like i i'm the fucking you guys probably have the same thing like as online people and people who watch like things all the time we're all people always like hit me up to be like yo is this thing that just happened real or not like how would i know but so i know? But so I get like a ton of texts being like, is that real? And I start watching it.
And like, I was like, oh my God, this, I think this actually is real. I think this is all actually going down.
And I go on Twitter and Twitter is just like Twitter 1.0. Awesome.
Everyone getting their jokes off. We had like 15, 20 minutes where it was like, oh i love this app this is funny like everyone's just getting funny jokes off retweet like all this stuff and then like 25 minutes after that it's just toxic masculinity run rampant yet again like that like like like super serious takes about this incident it's like dude it was like it's it's fucking hollywood it's a bunch of narcissists sitting in a room one guy made a joke about another guy's wife he slapped him can we just make some jokes about it instead of make having this become like a bigger discussion in the discourse yeah what hank's doing right now he's doing academy motion picture arts and sciences rigged he's like the first guy it's like this is all fake i'd stage i can't tell whether it's for money or for ratings but that's it i saw it in person i'm out yeah but no that yeah so those people it's the people who are saying go to jail and it's the people who are like actually having like nuanced takes about this like being like this is what's wrong with like the marital structure in america and like a man thinking he has to protect like dude just let me just fucking tweet some gifts real quick come on like just give us a minute do it tomorrow morning on Monday morning when we're all miserable yeah Billy do you have any more takes on this since you are there you're in the room you are the room right now yes so uh I was at the Oscars and when I saw Denzel Washington talking to Will Smith and them all trying to calm him down they were just asking him, was it real? And he was like laughing and he was like, hey, no, it was fake.
Like we set this whole thing up. Wasn't it great? And they're all laughing.
So that's what I saw. You heard that.
Did you see that or did you hear it? It's a big difference. Well, I heard that saw the mouths moving, you know, at the Oscars.
So it was a great time and uh no but seriously i like i really think because think about it i we were talking about this during the show when we're recording i was like oh the oscars are on tonight like who the hell knew and now you know now we know this is this is why you come to part of my take because pft and i have been around the block a few times. We usually have a good idea of what's real and fake.
Again, we could be very wrong. Hank, I trust that Hank will do some research and try to figure it out.
And then we have Billy who is like the embodiment of 2022 internet where it could, like Chris Rock could press charges. smith could go to jail and billy will still think like no this is some kind of pedophile ring cover-up and and and jfk jr is about to be announced president honestly i fall for a lot of fake stuff on the internet and this is one of those ones where i'm just like fake you you feel like you're ahead of the curve i have one last question um the most important question memes i don't know if you have a mic memes has been on the show before memes obviously everyone knows is it runs a bunch of our social and does an incredible job and we talk about them all the time memes can you quantify what this is going to do for your life in terms of the memes that are coming out of this like you just got an entire new memes template a perfect memes template that you can use for anything how is how how are you feeling did you guys hear me yeah all right um i think it'll last like one more day.
Yep. And then it'll pick back up probably during NBA finals.
Yep. No, I think that's perfect because people that are going to be making memes out of this in like three or four days, too many people have seen it.
So it's been it's already reached like mass exposure. So the countdown clock on it is finite.
So like when michael jordan cried during his hall of fame acceptance speech not a lot of people were tuned in live and so it had a longer tail on it this one it's like okay everyone's seeing it tonight and tomorrow and then after that it's going to take a big pause i was thinking actually until football season but when meme said nba finals he's absolutely right the nba finals are a hundred percent going to be ground zero for this move to resurrect yes yes all right memes that's why you're the best um anything else i mean crazy we don't do emergency emergency segments for many things but when will smith slaps chris rock at the oscars real or fake here we are are. We're making sure that we give you our takes instantly.

We'll put another one in the it's real category because I don't think that

Will Smith would do this on the night that he won his Academy Award for best

actor.

That seems like a pretty important night in a person's life.

So I don't think that he would he would flip out like this on that evening.

And yeah, it's just there's no chance.

No, I'm putting it at zero.

PFT commentary gives it zero percent chance.

Thank you. he would he would flip out like this on that evening and i yeah it's just there's no chance no i'm putting it at zero pft commenter gives it zero percent chance of being a fugazi this was this was a real event i'm gonna put it at one percent chance of being fake but that's solely because all of life is fake and we're all living in a simulation if that's true then this is part of that and then i was right to call that part but i'm 99 and in that event well it's still real to me it's still real to me big cat what all right so then jake you're 100 all protein bars generally taste the same but not one bars one made protein bars are actually delicious with reese's and hershey's only one reese's peanut butter lovers protein bar is made with reese's peanut butter and only one Hershey's Cookies and Cream Protein Bars is made with Hershey's Cookie Bits while delivering 18 grams of protein and 3 grams of sugar.
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Find all one bars at a retailer near you or on Amazon.com. Also, one last thing, the sports take on this, I felt pretty bad for Venus and Serena because they looked like, what the fuck is going on? And Will Smith basically got in front of everyone and was like yeah I played the role of their father and that's why I'm crazy and slapped a man on live TV it's like okay I guess also Willow's going to have a couple bangers that come out in the next like two.
Yeah. And Jaden.
All right. Back to the regularly scheduled program.
All right. Let's do Who's Back.
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All right, Hank, who's back? By the way, we're going to do Billy's spreadsheet after Bert, as well as Jake's one shining moment, as well as Hank's decision about what he's going to do with the hottest gambling streak he's ever been on in his life. Big time.
Shout out to the game of the year. Just kicking things off right.
Well, Duke. You're welcome.
Duke, then game of the year. You're welcome.
Which, that... Both game of the years.

Well, no, that one didn't count because you bullied me into it.

True.

My Who's Back of the Week.

Clip that for me, Bubba.

Peace times.

My Who's Back of the Week.

No, it is not.

It's war times.

I hate you.

Well, I would say you shouldn't have fell for my obvious trying to get you to pick against Duke.

All right, cut that, please, Bubba.

Nick Castellanos is My Who's Back of the Week. Did you guys see this? Yeah, we had a discussion, so we'd like to hear you talk, and then we will present our side.
I'm just going to say what happened. He's on the Phillies now.
He's in spring training. As he was in his first at-bat, or he was getting his first hit, the broadcast was talking about how one of the Blue Jays coaches got a DUI and was talking about his apology, talking about the whole situation.
And lo and behold, Nick Castellanos gets a single. Okay, so I think it's funny because they were actually talking, like the announcer was talking about the DUI while it happened.
But we have to be protective of our Castellanos memes because it can reach a point where a bloop single is qualifying the exact same as if he hits a dinger. He's got to hit a home run.
No, but how often are they talking about coaches with Deweys? He's probably doing it. First of all, he's probably brought it up because Castellanos was up.
True. And also Major League Baseball coaches, I'm pretty sure,

that's one of the qualifications for becoming a bench coach.

That's how Tony La Russa got into the Hall of Fame.

Yeah.

Talking about, I think the criteria is a fucked up situation

that the announcers are talking about,

and then all of a sudden they have to talk about how Castellanos got a hit.

I think you have to have a home run,

and it can't be a situation where somebody sees that he hits a home run,

and then they Google any bad news story that's happened.

Like, oh, wow, it looks like Putin's shelling Kiev again.

And they're like, well, Castellanos did it again.

It has to be something that is tied in, either a massive trending event that happens at the same time,

or the announcer is talking about something that hits a home run.

Well, that's why we do spring training,

so we can kind of get through this before the season starts.

But is he back or no?

I think what we're trying to say is like,

I think it's very funny that Nick Castellanos has become this guy.

I want to protect it.

I want it to be like, holy shit, he's this guy.

If we do it for every single, it's like everyone's going to be like,

we're talking about a DUI.

It was funny.

Okay.

It was funny, but I just want to make sure that we are protecting it.

Yes.

That we're keeping our meme wholesome.

Yeah.

I mean, think about memes.

He's too far gone.

Yeah, he is.

But memes is like.

He's still in rehab, but I think he relapses like every other day.

Right now for memes, it's like if Joe Flacco throws like a three-yard button hook. I'm like, elite.
If anything, if they say Castellanos like three times in a broadcast. Yeah, like we can't save memes.
We can just try and help the next generation coming up. It is funny when you do a meme that has been around for a while that no one remembers i did i had uh bo nix was like practicing for oregon and i quote treated i was like bo nix having fun could be a dark horse for the heisman and people are like what are you are you fucking high dude and it's like oh shit yeah we are on the internet too much yeah remember when we had to teach memes about the the hitler downfall video with urban meyer oh yeah he was like what is this i've never seen this old meme he hasn't stopped making hitler videos since i actually uh hand up i i i told him that he should do a video where you're hitler after coach k after coach k1 but then we both agree that probably not a great idea i'm fine with that listen i I, here's all I'll say about that.
I understand the internet. I have a fucking arsenal in my phone right now for when Coach K eventually, hopefully, loses.
So I understand that the other side is also loading up the guns and the nukes ready to bring me down. I know what's at stake here.
Yeah, how about this memes i know you're listening if coach k wins a natty you have to have big cat finding out about it down in the bunker yes that's fine fine with that i am absolutely fine with it because again i have a lot of videos that i will be just fucking flooding the timeline with if it goes down uh my who's back of the week is the u.s men's national team yeah we're in the the World Cup, bitch. Suck my dick, Italy.
They didn't make it. We did.
We just beat Panama, I think, 5-1. Yeah.
Didn't keep the clean sheet, unfortunately. The golden generation for the U.S.
soccer team is here. I just hear people say that.
It sounds so cool when they said it about Belgium. So I think we can officially declare, because this team is young enough, I'm just going to say this is our golden generation.
This is the golden generation, and the boys are dancing. Yeah, we're in it.
And we're going to have to play it during football season. I can't decide if it's going to be fun or if it's going to suck.
I think it's going to suck. It might be too much going on at once.
I think we're going to get a lot of... We're not going to fucking get out of pool play anyway, so who cares? But I think it's going to be...
We always get out of pool play. We're going to go like one and two.
When we make the World Cup, we always get out of pool play. All right, so here's what we can do.
We can role play right now. FIFA rigged.
What time will the games be? They'll be in the middle of the day. Yep.
Because I think they've got to play at night there. Well, yeah.
No, it's in Qatar, which is halfway around the world. But because they have stadiums that were built with slave labor,

they're not going to be able to play them during the heat of the day,

which is like 120 degrees.

Right, right.

And they promised that they would make like giant air-conditioned stadiums outdoors, which I don't know.

I'm not Bob the Builder,

but it seems like that's pretty unlikely to accomplish in the next like six

months.

So yeah,

their games are going to be at nighttime,

afternoon and night,

I think.

Yeah. So let's just throw this out there it's sunday we're here we're watching games you say hey usa is about to play you're not getting a tv and i'll watch the games i'll watch every other like when football's not on i'll be full-blown pulisic fucking go usa but we have to you realize that right i do and i'm actually looking up the times right now we might be wrong so right now it's 4 13 in qatar in the morning so if they play in the afternoon like evening that's still going to be kind of morning for us so i think i think we'll be okay as long as they don't schedule us on a site how many hours difference is it? It's Monday at 4.13.
It's 9.13 here. So it's seven hours different.
Seven hours ahead. So a 1 o'clock kickoff at 8 p.m.
game. I want to talk to Sepp Ladder personally right now.
Sepp Ladder or whoever you have running FIFA for you, Sepp Ladder. If you schedule the U.S.
soccer game on a Sunday at 1 o'clock or saturday or saturday i i will personally slit your throat that is not gonna happen like we're not that is going to be a war on twitter i want to see all the soccer nerds come out and be like how are you not watching this because the nfl's on because it's week 12 that's gonna piss me right that's i mean you. I just want you to.
We're all on the same page, right? Maybe a laptop in the corner. Yes.
But not a TV. We have to stand for something on this podcast.
On a Saturday, if the U.S. is playing, I'm putting it on one of the TVs.
During college football. I'm not.
There are not six college football games that take precedence over that. Dude, when Temple plays UCF, I'm watching.
Nope. That's better than that.
Nope. Nope.
I'm rooting for the lads. Yes.
Onward the lads. Yes.
That is. We are.
Lads up. Wow.
That's going to be a dilemma. All right.
My who's back is LeBron. He won a Razzie.
That was awesome. Also, Hank, explain the story, the Instagram story from the other night.
Hank, you know that LeBron fucked up. When Hank walked in on Saturday and came right over to me, it was like, do you see what LeBron posted? It wasn't a fuck-up.
And I went to look, and I couldn't find it, and he's like, oh, I screen-recorded it, don't worry. I screen-recorded it, I just had to tweet.
But it was a good moment, because we're in war times right now, but we can always bond over our hatred for LeBron. It wasn't even fuck-up, it fuck up it was just all-time very funny classic LeBron like you know he's the biggest athlete in the world probably richest athlete in the world one of them and he's having like a intimate dinner with his wife and he does this Instagram story where she's like clearly pissed off that he's like recording which is just like very relatable and he said hey fellas remember one thing i just i just think this is funny because he's like clearly like drunk or something like this is very classic lebron hey fellas remember one thing a woman will always love and vibe with a real true player know the difference between player and player with the key and then like i'll send it to you pft and then he like pans it over to his wife and his wife just gives him like the why the fuck are you recording because that's what lebron's family has to deal with all the time the actions of a drunk man stumbling around his own home screaming into his phone while they're like hey please pay attention to me yeah that's amazing i do how long do you think it took for lebron to win the razzie for him to realize that the razzie's a bad thing yeah did he have he have the post ready to go? Like, man, 17-year-old LeBron would never believe this at this point.
He probably is going to try to figure out a way to, like, convert it into points scored in the NBA because that's all he's playing for at this point. The all-time days for LeBron on Instagram are on his birthday when he just, if you look at his stories, I don't think it's – I think LeBron has like a special version of Instagram that allows him to post hundreds of stories of people wishing him a happy birthday on those days.
Right. As we progress through the season, every fan knows that big wins are hard to come by and tough losses are even harder to accept.
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Awesome. Well, anyone could lose some pumpkins, okay? Anyone could lose some pumpkins.
They're playing really good basketball right now. Bulls are in a free fall.
14 points in the fourth. That's smoked by the Pelicans the other night.
All right, Billy, your who's back. My who's back is Johnny Manziel.
Johnny Manziel will be returning to the football field in the fan-controlled football league for their second season. He was on the Zappers last season, and he's now on the Wild Aces.
Drewski's investment in the company is what drew him in. He said that he wanted to make some content with Drewski.
I don't know if you guys know Drewski. Hilarious guy.
And he's going to be back on the football field. Honestly, it's kind of nice to see him.
Dude, if you tell me Johnny Manziel's playing in a football game and there's a World Cup game on, I'm watching Johnny Manziel. There are certain players that if you want your secondary football league to succeed, if you get any combination of Manziel, Tebow, RG3, or Colin Kaepernick playing quarterback, people will tune in and watch that shit.
Yeah. So good for Johnny Manziel.
Yeah. I hope he plays well.
I'm hyped. And Bitcoin.
Bitcoin's back. It is? Rallied hard.
Let's go. Are you invested? A little bit.
How's my doge looking right now? I think it's like back to like. Oh, shit.
46. Yeah.
Oh, let's go. Fuck all the old people think that sucks.
Yeah. Tom Colicchio laughing all the way to kitchen.
There he goes all right jake you're who's back we're gonna get to billy's spreadsheet after uh burnt my who's back of the week is fun rules oh yes so there's this team called the savannah bananas yeah it's a baseball team i don't think it's officially minor league but it's still pros unincorporated independent minor league team yeah so they had a rule it was the first or second time ever banana ball rule number nine if a fan catches a foul ball it's an out and it happened and it went viral and was really cool i feel like the majors should consider they've got great rules i don't know i don't know what brand of baseball they play if they invented their own rules in which case probably a nightmare for the visiting team it's like you're playing against the globetrotters you're like i didn't know wait that guy's got a ladder on the court that's crazy but yeah they've got all these different rules um i think the batters are in the batter's box the entire time while the pitcher's pitching they've got all sorts of cool rules i like yeah so this one's if they did that to the majors that would change the game game with home field. I mean, Savannah, what they're doing right now by having this team down there is they're next on my list of the big bachelor party cities in the country.
For a while, it was like Austin and Nashville and Charleston just shitting on everybody. Savannah's next.
Savannah's a very fun city to be in. It is a very fun city.
And could you imagine if this, like you said, if this was MLB, like, you'd have to start like Jim Harbaugh would get paid by a team. Yeah.
Like, a million bucks to sit in our stands. Yeah, pay Ringer's foul ball guy.
Dude, foul ball guy would make millions and millions of dollars. He would be on contract, yeah.
He would be incredible. You'd be able to start him in your fantasy leagues.
Yeah. Right.
So, yeah. I thought that was cool.
That is cool. Very cool.
Cool rule. Alright, let's get to bert uh great interview back in studio uh pft you got a quick word for one of our sponsors yeah before we get to bert talk to you guys about tailor-made hank just got a tailor made you got a driver right hank oh yeah yeah tailor-made is awesome they're great golf clubs it's golf season weather's getting nice spring was creeping up on us you should get fitted pft i should get fitted get one of those custom things hell yeah because they don't they don't just send you clubs off the rack i think there are five different levels of customization that you can use for them and we are teaming up with taylormade because we have an ultimate season opener sweepstakes and giving away 50 prizes to 50 different winners that's right 50 different winners different winners.
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We want an AWL to win. Or a mobster, right? Jake, those are you guys? They are, yeah.
Mobsters. It's got to be a mobster.
Shout out Nate Oates. Or an AWL.
Yeah, Nate Oates, big-time mobster. Hopefully he can get his hand.
He's got a lot of time to play golf. Hopefully someone shows up to shoot around.
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That's TaylorMadeGolf.com slash BarstoolSweeps right now for your chance to win big. Now here is Burt Kreischer.
Okay, we now welcome on now recurring guest. That feels good.
Feels good, Burt Kreischer. And let me say this right now, Burt, off the top, we very rarely will have a guest on this close together.
Like we had you on at Super Bowl. We didn it for a couple weeks sorry about that that's okay that was probably weird for you like all of a sudden you just it pops up that you're on the show um i'll tell you immediately immediately it came up and the thing was like and then my daughter smoked pot and i was like oh fuck i said that yeah right like oh shit i said that two weeks ago that doesn't count.
And then your name came up again, and you were in town, and we're like, fuck yeah, well, I'm back on. Everyone loved it.
Dude, it's serendipity because I have been watching you gamble for, like, the past two weeks, and it is so fucking fun. It is so fun to watch people win money.
Yeah, or lose. Well, it's really the losing part that people really enjoy uh no i love when when uh you guys were trying to get patty to tap yeah and you're going come on come on yeah come on that's like watching porn for men yeah that's i guess porn for men is they should match up gambling and porn at the same time somehow i'm down for it's it's like those live streams they're exhausting we were i don't know if you saw on friday night my alma mater wisconsin played and they played the last it was probably the latest tip ever it was like 11 p.m yeah so i just started getting like blackout drunk and i was screaming i was gonna take my shirt off like those live streams just become this you lose all sense of time and space because you're trapped you can you don't even go i didn't go outside for four days straight and i'm just you know betting on everything it's my favorite four days of the year i'm happy you enjoy it but it is chaos you gotta come to one i have a i have a gambling problem but here's the here's my problem what do you mean well when i when i when i started making money gambling didn't matter to me like it just didn't i i couldn.
I couldn't find the rush, you know? Like, the rush, I remember the first time I really got the rush, I was playing poker with Daniel Tosh and a bunch of guys in Hollywood. And I had the best fucking hand.
And I was sitting on it. And the feeling that you get, I didn't need alcohol.
I didn't need sex. I didn't need anything.
That feeling of knowing you've got the hand and your heart's racing, your hands trembling, you're trying to hold it in. The only way I get that now, and this is going to sound so stupid.
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Make plans to go out in Abercrombie, shop their newest arrivals in-store and online. I just start winning.
And when I win, I get louder and more obnoxious. And all the comedians are fucking loving it.
Jimffries is losing his mind ben bailey but the actors who aren't comedians are like this isn't fair yeah it's a fucking raffle asshole i put in fucking three thousand dollars to for this feeling i mean i want an orange whip which is a golf swing thing i want a jacket i want whiskey i want everything that's amazing And then don't get me started on an auction where they're bidding off trips. Because we, I just, my business manager was there.
Randomly enough, my business manager was there. And they auctioned off a trip to Four Seasons and Maui.
It's in the quarantine. There's no one.
No one's going to more Maui at all. And I I start off there.
Jim Jeffrey starts off. He's like, the starting bid's $3,000.
And Jim Jeffrey goes, $3,000. And real quick, I go, $4,000.
And then he goes, $5,000. I go, $6,000.
He's like, $7,000. And then Ben Bailey goes, $8,000.
I go, $9,000. And it's going so quick.
My business manager's like, hold on. And I'm starting to, what's the math? What's it cost? google four seasons real quick dude i love that i love the reckless that is the gambling i can get into yeah so i went to the texas state fair one time and they do like a giant livestock auction it's a big thing and it's just all these dude huge hats the guy gets behind the the podium and he's doing the like fast talking he's got the real Texas draw.
They're bringing the animals out on stage. There's giant black Angus deer that are going for $5,500.
I was about to bid on a cow. I don't have a place to put it.
I wanted to get involved in the auction at the time. I had a normal-sized backyard in Austin, Texas.
I was thinking about buying these goats just because the thrill of the auctioneer talking so quickly it's like that infectious it's the best you're gonna you're gonna think i'm lying to you i really need someone to google it i need someone to google it so when we were in trip flip was my travel channel show we spent a day uh a week we take people on adventures of a lifetime and we we spent a week as cow hands running Buffalo across Texas. We're outside Houston, Texas.
Caddy Houston. I think it's known as Caddy.
And so we're outside Houston, Texas. So one of the things says, I want you to take my steer into auction.
So I was like, all right. He goes, I expect 25 grand for all my steer you bring in.
So we drove steer into town. And I said, I'm going to fucking knock his socks off.
The guy that runs a ranch. I said, as soon as their cattle comes out, I'm going to put in first bid.
I'm going to jack it up. Whatever the first one comes out, I'm going to put in the first bid.
And we're going to raise the money for it. And then that way, I'm going to come in.
Everyone will have sold just a little bit over what he's expecting. Right.
Because I'm going to start going back and forth with them. So they, I swear to God, it is top five hardest I've ever laughed in my life.
So the first one comes out and I go, is that John's steer? And they're like, I'm with two other dudes. They're like, yeah, I go, all right.
And they're like, hey, John's. And I raised my hand and he goes, sold.
And I went, wait, what? There's no bidding. You just buy them.
And I bought a calf for 1300 i bought a calf a fucking full calf i bought one of the ones i was going to sell i brought it back to him and i was like i was like hey man i bought one of your calves is there any chance i can sell this back to you and he was like 800 bucks i was like i'll take it that's fine oh that's amazing i swear to god there's that videos on youtube and it is as soon as i realized what i did you see it in my eyes and i'm like oh fuck and i'm and this is i didn't have 1300 to spend on no one has 1300 cattle right you don't have cattle the auction though the auctions are the i i once got like mildly addicted to auctions online of there was in chicago there was a uh store chain called dominix that was going out of business so they were selling everything and i would just go on every day and try to buy like random shit like carts everything like i got i bought a bench that i didn't need there was just a dot it was sitting in the lobby of the grocery store yeah and i was like yeah but i want it like this feels cool yeah and something. And then, you know, a day later, you're like, wait, what? I don't need this.
What the fuck am I doing? But the rush of winning something at an auction or a raffle, there's nothing like it. I think that more places should have, should do like the 50-50 raffles.
Just every day in your life. Yeah.
Imagine if you're going into work and like the subway car in the New York City subway has a 50-50 raffle. If you stay on for five stops, they do a drawing.
Once you get five stops, it'd be incredible. It would be incredible.
I'm not lying to you, Bert. Like, if I won a 50-50 raffle, let's say it like a hockey game, I think I would then become even for my life in terms of 50-50 raffles.
Just 50-50 raffles. I buy 50-50 raffle tickets the second i walk into a stadium just

the second i want i've had guys i had a group of guys at wrigley who literally they knew they knew

me and they and they knew that i love 50 50 raffle i bought tickets they bought the tickets right

after me i bought the tickets right after them they bought the tickets right after me and they

ended up winning they won the whole fucking thing sitting right behind me and i've never been more

upset in my life i have a picture of them like They're like, can we get a picture after celebrating in my face? But it was thrilling to go back and forth being like, no, I'm getting the next numbers. They changed the rules to raffles at my school.
At my kids' school. I was going to say, you're not your school.
No, at my kids' school, they made it so that every family could only buy 10 tickets. Because of you? Because of me.
This is like the Larry Bird rule? I have a joke I'm going to put in my special about it. I'm not even messing around.
I would go into raffles with just stupid money and go. I have a problem with it.
That and I'll tell you the other one that I get addicted to because I'm good at public speaking is running for office that I don't want I've done that I did that there's this woman I'm going to use real names so I apologize I'm going to use real names that was not an apology whatever that was just a warning that was the best sorry not sorry so there's this woman jenna schwartz right in our in our in our uh in valley village where i live i'm telling you everything is uh we don't have pta we have it's called pace right that's what our pta is so pace president kind of organizes everything at the school isla is in fifth grade she's going to the middle school We will no longer be working at this school. And, uh, and we, they bring us in early for graduation and it's so that we can, as parents, they get us there early so we can vote for pace, president, pace, all the pace thing, current pace, president, everyone is on stage.
I get there early and I say to Leanne, are you fucking kidding me? They, they lied to us. We're here for the fucking elections.
And she goes, yeah. Now, I had eaten the edible the night before that I had over-medicated myself.
And so I still feel it. So I said, well, who's running? And they go through the thing.
And then everyone's dressed up. And she goes, Jenna Schwartz is running for president.
And she's not dressed up. She's in workout clothes.
And I said, why isn't she dressed up? Leanne's going, she's running unopposed.

I was like, not on my watch.

Now, here's the thing you need to know.

Jenna Schwartz kind of fucked me over once, right?

Not fucked me over bad, but in a weird way.

Like, in a weird way.

So I look back, a guy named Brian Stepanek.

He was on, I think, Zack and Drake or whatever.

Brian Stepanek.

I look back.

I go, hey, nominate me for Pace President.

And he's like, for real? I go,

dead serious. He goes, I nominate Burt Kreischer.

I go, I accept. And Leanne goes, what the fuck are you doing?

I said, I'm running for Pace President.

She goes, honey, hold on.

You're not going to be Pace President. No one's going to vote

for you. I said, well, let me just give my speech.

Jenna Schwartz comes over. She goes, what are you doing?

And I said, please don't talk to me. I'm running for Pace

President. We're enemies.

So I go up, and they go, who would

like to speak first? Now, Jenna Schwartz has not worn makeup.

She's not gotten dressed up. And she also has

I'm running for Pace president. We're enemies.
So I go up, and they go, who would like to speak first? Now, Jenna Schwartz has not worn makeup. She's not gotten dressed up.
And she also hasn't prepared a speech. She's been running unopposed.
I get up. I'm almost verbatim.
I'll call my fucking wife just to prove this is how accurate my speech was. It sounds like Jenna Schwartz was just experiencing absolute power.
She thought that she wasn't going gonna be held accountable yeah oh my wife better answer do you ever fucking call your wife and you're like if she doesn't answer I'm just canceling her fucking phone she apparently doesn't know how to use a goddamn phone it's like she'll look at it and go who is this calling and I'm like that's why it rings that's why it rings fucker anyway I get up I get up on stage now it's it's maybe 500 parents in there all of which know me because i've had now two kids go through this school i said my name my name is burke chrysher i'm running for pace president this is almost verbatim of my speech i said i know jenna schwartz i used to hike with jenna schwartz on freiman cannon me uh my wife lynn gruson kathy fromkin and sandy Tat would hike every morning. All the names.
All names. All names.

All accurate.

We would hike every morning at Primer Canyon right after drop-off with Jenna Schwartz.

It was fun.

Great conversation.

And then one day, she didn't show up.

We sat at the trailhead for about 30 minutes, and she never showed up.

She didn't call.

She didn't text.

Nothing.

So we decided to hike.

And that day, we saw her on a hike with Christy Goodman.

She didn't say hi to us.

She didn't acknowledge. And to this day, we have never hiked with her again.
We've never spoken about it. And to this day, she hikes with Christy Goodman.
If you want to vote for a president that one day will decide the journey they're on with you is no longer the journey they want to take, then vote for Jenna Schwartz. But if you want a president who's going to show up every day at that trailhead and wait for you to take that journey with you until we're done then vote for me my name's burke kreischer i'd like to be your pace president the fucking room is shaking dudes legit dudes are like that's my guy that's my guy jenna schwartz like wait hold on i have a bad knee wait you hike too fast he talks non-stop she should have told you about that there's a little thing called conversations that people can have when they change their plans.
And if they don't say anything, that's a red flag. I sat down and my wife goes, you have to stop this.
And I go, I just want to hear what she has to say. And they're like, well, that's Burt's speech.
Jenna, and she comes up and she goes, okay, hold on one second. Okay, he doesn't really want to be vice president.
This is a joke. You're joking, right? Hold on.
I have a bad knee a bad knee also and i just raised my hand i go i'd like to rescind my nomination for president and that is the funnest i got in trouble in college for it there was a miss florida state pageant and every fraternity had to have a a contestant that you brought up and so we're getting there, and we're sitting in the big auditorium, and no one's taking the mic, and no one's taking the mic. And I'm like, I'm going to go up and take the mic.
So I get up, and I walk up. I go, I want to thank you, everyone, for coming.
This is so great. Give yourselves a round of applause.
We're just coming out today, and everyone gives yourselves a round of applause. I said, awesome, if everyone just passed forward their physical forms.
And everyone's like, physicals, physicals. And I go, oh, you guys, that's totally cool.
If you don't have physical, I'll be administering physicals in the back bathroom. So just line up back there.
And four girls got up and walked to the back bathroom. And I was like, I'm fucking around.
Well, I got in a lot of trouble. Yeah.
Apparently, I had to go to fucking Omega whatever and fucking apologize at their dinner i was like what the fuck you can't take a goddamn joke you're an agent of chaos i love it it's just like the the moment there's humor in every moment and it's like how can i make this a ridiculous moment i think when you when you become a comedian you definitely can live in that but then there's the other side where your your jokes don't really don't fly But those are almost funnier. When you become a comedian, you definitely can live in that.
But then there's the other side where your jokes really don't fly. But they're still funny sometimes.
When you get the anti, when everyone's like, oh, my God, how could he say that? That's even better, I would assume. Have you had that where you've done something and everyone's like, dude, what the fuck? Fuck had a dance, they had a dance for the kids.

And then they had taught them like the foxtrot or whatever.

And so it was like their first dance.

Maybe they're fifth, maybe they're fifth grade.

And we go to that same auditorium at the school.

And the parents sit together.

And we're going to watch our kids do the dance.

That's how the first dance goes.

So before this dance starts, they pull us outside.

And they're like, hey, listen, we need to have a conversation with the parents uh i apologize one of the teachers like i apologize i assumed everyone's gender and i paired them up boy girl boy girl i i i assumed a lot and i it's on me i hope to learn better but if you're cool with it the dance isn't going to go forward like this we're just going to just let them pair with whoever they want to pair with. Because apparently some parent got upset.
We're going to let them pair. It's going to be like girl, girl, boy, boy, whatever.
It's just going to be him, them, or whatever. They're all going to pair up.
And they're not going to do a dance. They're just going to dance to music.
Is that okay? And now I'm watching parents grandstand going like, actually, we don't even call our daughter a daughter, Whatever. You know, they're like spouting their politics.

And so they get to me and Leanne, and they're like, are you guys cool with that? And I was like, I'll answer that. And Leanne's like, please don't.
And I said to a group of very liberal parents, I go, I actually don't care if my daughter dances with a boy or a girl just as long as it's white. and the fucking

I mean

you could watch

they were just like what did he say my wife's like he's a comedian he's a comedian and i was like i'm just kidding i'm just kidding it better be a boy and it better be white and i and there were parents that were legit upset oh i'm sure when i won the raffle that changed the raffles there's a dude this is whoa is whoa. So I win.
I win this one raffle that changes all the raffles and I go in to Corolla like a week later and I'm telling him the story of this raffle. And I say the guy's name.
One dad got really upset because after I won all the prizes, I then walked around shirtless while the prize is going to parents going, what did you guys win? Like I want all the want them all and this dad's like i have a raffle budget and i went i go fuck your raffle budget you're you're pretty much like the reason they invented the salary cap in football yeah just for elementary school you'd make a good baseball owner no but i think you've tapped into something here because it's and i have two young kids and i've just started to get into this world oh it's so great so fucking great when you don't care. Yeah, it's parents because I had, I've told this story on the show, but I had a thing where my son's preschool got shut down out of nowhere because of like construction and all this stuff.
It basically was like, these two really nice women were running it. COVID shut down.
They lost money. Like they couldn't keep it afloat.
It was all very like understandable. Yeah.
And I was on this parent group chat and there were people saying there was like a ponzi scheme and everything and like all this stuff and i i almost i should have done i i now know that i should just go for it i almost replied to the whole group and was like now that you guys say it like i saw one of the teachers driving a lambo the other day because like they would have all taken it so seriously. I didn't, but now I got to start doing it.
Because it is like, I think it's the parents' world. I've been in this for a couple of years.
My son's two and a half. Every time I'm around parents, people take it so seriously.
And it's like, what are we doing? Why is everyone so serious? Our first school was called the Sunshine Shack. By the way, I'm still using all very real names.
It's called the Sunshine Shack. Okay? By the way, I'm still using all

very real names. It's called the Sunshine

Shack. It's a great school.

It's a great fucking school. It was a preschool.

It was awesome. First day there,

we do like a parents

orientation.

It's all fucking famous people.

I mean, it's Billy Crudup.

Billy Crudup's chick at the time.

Something masters. I don't know who it is.
She was in Weeds, his chick at the time. Nia Vardalos, who wrote My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Her husband, Ian Gomez. It's everyone.
And then Jay Chenda Sekar. Like, all these big, famous people.
And Fred Savage. And Fred Savage.
So Fred Savage. His kids were, I think, a year below mine, maybe.
Maybe he's Isla's age. so Fred Savage.
And Fred Savage. So Fred Savage, his kids were I think a year below mine maybe.
Maybe he's Isla's age. So Fred Savage one day.
Now I always came to this place hungover. I had always been out doing spots the night before.
And one day Fred Savage is there and he's on the ground playing with the kids. I don't get on the ground for kids.
I'm like I'll sit in a chair but I'm not getting on the floor. Adjacent, yeah.
Yeah. He's on the ground.
He's playing with the kids. And I'm listening to these moms.
And they're like, he's such a good dad. He is such a good dad.
And then one of the moms is like, and you would have known that. Like knowing who, we grew up with him.
We grew up with him. We've known him since he was a little kid.
And when I'm telling you, when I saw him on The Wonder Years, my first thought, I can't wait to see what he's going to be like as a dad. And he's amazing.
And I go over and I go, yeah, he has a good dad. It's so crazy, like, considering who his father was that he turned out this way.
And they're like, who's his dad? I go, Randy the Macho Man Savage. And they're like, for real? And I go, yeah, his mom's a beautiful Elizabeth.
And I go, you didn't know that? And they're like, oh, yeah, I guess he has a showbiz family. And then I just walked away.

And then the fucking people that ran the stage, were like, hey, man, are you talking shit about Fred Savage?

You know, you were the worst one.

The worst one was Billy Crudup.

I'm sure it's in the news or something.

Billy Crudup.

Billy Crudup's a fucking great guy.

That's why I'm hesitant to say anything bad about Billy Crudup. And I'm not saying anything bad about him.
He's awesome. He wasn't part of this.
Billy Crudup's a fucking legit guy. Like, a legit great guy.
Top to bottom, a great guy. All right, but? No but.
I think, I'm just hoping this isn't gossip, but it's been fucking 17 years. So, he, him and his chick get split up, right? And he, Marist whatever name is they split up and he starts dating someone else i think he was a celebrity i don't remember i think it was i think it was claire danes someone have to google it but it's it's it's fodder for the tabloids so we have a end of the season end of the school picnic and someone at the picnic takes pictures and sells them to like the star or whatever.

And fuck. end of the school picnic and someone at the picnic takes pictures and sells them to to like the star or whatever and fucking because of my constant behavior they immediately assume it's me but nothing about you would say like this is a guy that would go behind yeah i did have i did have a big camera because i was a dad because i was a dad because i was a dad you got like this vest on with the rolls of film in it and shit but i had like a camera because back then the cell phones didn't take pictures right so like i had a legit camera because i was a dad and and as soon as i get blamed for something i start behaving guilty like the second you go uh hey did you cheat on my wife my wife one time found uh a pair of jeans in my laundry, like girls jeans, sexy girl jeans.

She goes, who's are these?

And I started laughing so hard that I couldn't defend myself.

I go, I have no idea.

And I was like, I don't know.

I don't know where they came from.

And she goes, where the fuck would you find these?

And I was like, I have no fucking idea.

I have no idea.

And she legit was like, how the fuck would you have come home with girl jeans?

Her best friend was like, fuck him. He's a cheater.
Divorce him. He's a cheater.
You caught him. He's a cheater.
Divorce him. And then my wife's like, fuck it.
I'm going to wear the jeans. So we go out to dinner with her best friend, Julie, and she wears the jeans.
And Julie says, Hey, you're wearing my jeans. Leanne goes, these are the jeans I found in his laundry.
And she's like, no, those are my jeans. She's like, I've been looking for those jeans.
And Leanne goes, how did your jeans get in his laundry? Turns out I had come home from the airport, gone to Julie's house to party, put my jacket on her chair. Her jeans were on the chair.
Picked up my jacket and her jeans. I was like, fucking cunts, I told you.
I fucking told you I'm not a cheater. When the machine story went viral, and the reason I'm so sure I told you this.
When the machine story went viral, the reason it went viral was someone in my class had written, I was on this trip, I was in Birch Russian class, this story's 100% true, he fucking robbed us, right? Right, on Facebook. Yeah, on Facebook.
Dude, I screen grabbed it. I'm not even joking.
I screen grabbed it, and I sent it to Tom, and I was like, I knew I wasn't lying. And he goes, I believed you the whole time.
I go, I didn't believe myself. Yeah.
I have like whatever guilty, like as soon as someone has money missing, I think I did it. Yeah.
And I don't know what that is. I'm sure there's like some fucking.
Going to get back to Burt in a second, but before we do, you know the mountains are blue. They're always blue.
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And now here's more Burt Kreischer. We got to get Tom on too.
Tom Segura, your co-host. How is he doing physically? After his one of the all, if you haven't seen the clip, it's very relatable to anyone who played any sport at any point in their life and then gained uh some weight in 20 years and then said i'm gonna go do this again um it scared me off of playing basketball for a little bit there he's he's doing good he's doing really good you know and all would he break tell me the whole list of injuries so he he went to jump and And as he went to jump, his left patella ruptured.
That's such a bad injury, too. That's just the start.
I know, but that alone, people talk about the ACL as being a bad injury. If you rupture your patella tendon, that's the most painful knee injury that you can possibly have.
Well, his exploded because apparently it wasn't meant to solely hold 280 pounds like his patella was never invented to hold what he did to it so then that exploded and then tom in his his quick thinking grabbed his left arm to catch his body now that left arm the humerus bone also was not meant to hold 280 pounds and it broke in half and then because he was moving so fast because when that much mass moves that forward that fast it spun in a circle and his arm was facing as if it was like reaching for a cheat notes in class like hey man can you pass me the notes and now we this happens in a blink of an eye it happens in a second he's He's like, hey, you guys want to see me dunk? And we're like, uh-huh. Everyone's like, get your cameras out.
This is going to be good. And you hear a pop-up and ahhh.
And the panic noise of real pain. That ahhh.
Ahhh. Not like, ow, ow, ow.
Like ahhh. The gasping, yeah.
Call 911. Call-1 i watched it so i i have a sick thing where i love watching injury videos what's ironic is he does too that's the irony in all of this is if you show him an asian guy getting kneecapped by a car in a garage he is crying yes that's me yes i'm the same way it's puke videos and any type of horrific injury i will watch it every time i just love that his body just quit on itself.
He was like, nope, I'd rather self-implode than do what you're asking me to do right now. And he was so competitive that day.
Now, here's what you need to know about me and Tom is athletically, across the board, I've always been better than Tom in everything and everything there is to do. There's not one thing he can hold a candle to me at all, ever, anything.
And I know that. I know that.
I'm a little bit like, because I played sports growing up, I can pick up very quick. He said one day, he goes, I've been taking tennis lessons, and I, without knowing where he was in tennis, I said, I'll destroy you.
And he went, you don't know how good I am. I said, it doesn't matter.
I'd destroy you. And he goes, but I don't know how good you are.
And he goes, I said, it doesn't matter. I'd destroy you.
And he goes, let's play tennis. And I said, let's play tennis.
I aced him 42 times. I aced his tennis coach.
His tennis coach pulled Tom aside before the match and said, heads up, your boy's got a division one serve. And he was like, what? He was like, I have no idea where his game is horrible, but his serve is fucking top notch.
has he's got three different types of spin you need to watch out for and when he puts the heater on it goes past you and and i by the way i have a division one serve in tennis so tom's like what the fuck i aced him so bad that it was no longer funny his wife came out and brought his kid to cheer him on and then she put him in the car she didn't want him to see it so when when we went to play basketball tom all of a sudden was better at me in basketball and he was like he was like yeah yeah yeah i'm and i and i also and this from doing travel channel a lot i knew you don't you don't always have to give it 100 right because you can get hurt so when playing basketball i'm kind of just fucking around going like i have not moved around a lot i was the fattest i've ever been and and so when we went to dunk i was like i'm not gonna fucking hurt myself tom was like i'll hurt myself yeah and man it happened so quick and i'll admit my initial instinct of resetting his arm wasn't the best idea how long was he like actually out for like six months he had to do everything right he had to do all rehab and everything i'm not i mean the best parts of this story are the aftermath i mean there's so much because here's the thing that okay so like everyone loves tom i love tom he's my best friend he's he's hilarious on stage but the funniest parts of Tom are the sad parts. Like when he goes like, so we go to his house.
I go home and tell my wife, I go, Tom's fucked himself up. He's in the hospital.
She goes, we need to drive over and help push. Push is not equipped to do this by herself.
And I was like, you're right. So we go to Tom's house and I buy a, like if you're lifting an old person, a belt around them I buy one of those belts and they're like what the fuck is this for and I go we're gonna have to get Tom in this house he can't use any parts of his body I need to put a fat belt on him and carry him and they're like okay so he gets there and his when Tom is bummed out it is my favorite look in the world.

There's not a child who's dropped an ice cream cone

that could do it better.

He's got a little look where he just goes like.

And so I put the fat belt on him

and I carry him into his screening room

and I throw him on the thing

and he's sweating now.

They didn't even reset his arm at the hospital.

He's got a brace on his thing

and he's just like this, he's in pain

and he looks up and my wife just looks at him and goes, you're about to get fat as fuck. And his look on his face was priceless.
Did he have stairs in his house and shit that he had to get around? He did. He had a ton.
He had a four-story house in the Palisades. So they had to do the old person chair that took him up and down the stairs? They were like, okay, we're going to have to make a ramp to out we're gonna have to we're gonna they had an old because he played basketball because he played basketball and he said you want to see me dunk the best for like half a second he played basketball the best is now tom and i are also very different men in in comics and that like if you say if you see us on the street and you're like oh shit bert i will match your energy and i'll be like hey what's up how you doing want to get a picture sure let's do it if you do that to Tom he will shut down and be like not now and just walk away so he's not he's not not a dick but he's not like he doesn't fame is not why he ever got into this at all so the next day I have to get him a medical transport to get him to the hospital this guy shows up with long hair clears it's clear he's been smoking in this van I now have a wheelchair I get Tom get Tom in the wheelchair.
I wheel him out to the thing. I get him in the thing.
The guy, Tom's also overweight. This guy and I are struggling to get him there.
It's the height of COVID. We're all messed up.
Tom's messed up. He's in the same pants he was wearing the night before.
Same sweat, smells. We get in the back of the van.
There's no air conditioning. The guy's like, we start to drive and Tom just looks at me and he's like, he's at his lowest.
He now knows he's going in for a full time of surgery. And he goes, and the guy goes, so what do you guys do? And I go, we're comedians.
And he goes, tell me a joke. I go, Tom, tell him a joke.
His sadness was the funniest thing out of all of the whole fucking thing. We got him in the elevator, and arms like this and things like this, and he got stuck in the elevator.
I mean, there was so much to it. We had to take him in.
I had to take him into the emergency room at Cedar Sinai in the peak COVID. We're talking December of COVID of a year ago, and we had to get him to piss in a bottle.
I mean, it was talking like I literally said to him, if you've ever questioned how much I love you, let this remind you that this is how much I love you. I mean, that was a really intense time for friendship.
I can't even imagine how you would take a shit like that. He didn't actually for a while because he was on pain pills.
So he was on so many pain pills, he wasn't shitting. And then when he started shitting, he had COVID.
So he thought he was just detoxing from pain pills. Oh, Jesus Christ.
By the way, these are all stories you would never hear from Tom Segura. He would never tell you these.
But yeah, it was an interesting time in my life. And then I ruptured my arm and blew out my tendons.
And he was great for me because he helped me, got me a physical therapist, and he's an interesting fan. So I know that you're a golf fan.
Can you still play golf with your injuries? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I played Pebble Beach the other day on the fucking – have you ever played with the one that's got the screen? I played it several times on Tiger Woods 2005, I think.
That golf game, maybe the best sports video game of all time. Maybe the best.
So I was addicted to that game. I was addicted to that game.
I loved that game more than ever. I played real Pebble Beach.
I was playing the one that you hit into the mat and it shows up. I played that the other day.
But I played Pebble Beach for real. And it wasn't until hole five, the par five uphill.
You know the one on the cliff where you hit and then you got to hit up blind into the until i went i've played this fucking course a million times i was i was actually on hole three i think or hole three you're like this is way easier in person than i guess i'm well prepared i got up there and i go this is a drivable par four and he's like it's not drivable i goes 310 it's a drivable par four and he goes it's uphill i go it's a drivable par four i hit five balls until i got a sand trap we got to get you down to the masters that would be great to have you go cover the masters there oh that's all you had to say yeah that's all you had to say that is all dude that's the perfect environment for a guy like you because it is you know it's the old schooled up. Tradition's important down there.
You know they do fake bird sound effects on the broadcast. No way.
They really doctor it up. They spray paint the grass to make it look greener than it really is.
They do have an army of people that walk around picking up every single leaf with little tweezers to make sure that it looks perfectly manicured. Golf tournaments are fun as fuck.
We used to go to the TPC every year out the down on saint augustine i think i think that's where it is uh but all i know is that hole 17 we just sat by that that par three yeah and just watch and everyone would bet it was the funnest yes yeah but getting you down in augusta and inside the masters that would be maybe the best content that i've ever had i would fucking i would i would come all over my pants to be at the at the master that's how you get in they'll hear that and they'll be like okay hey man i guys hope you know i came in my pants for this oh cool bird thanks wait so you when you got when you walked in here this morning um you have you have a show in newark on when tomorrow tomorrow so we're gonna're going to run this Friday. When's the next show? In Brooklyn on...
I'll tell you exactly. By the way, my wife called and was like texting, do you need something? I'm in Brooklyn on the 31st, Providence, Rhode Island, the first, Portland, Maine, the second, and then Albany, New York on the third third so you're you're doing the whole yeah up and down east coast you came in though and you're like my goal today is to just not drink until 5 p.m if i could not what happened yesterday oh no i've been good it's my whole thing is i've been good and then i got on the plane last night and we do this thing called private suite it's where it's like a separate entrance we got it for covid and and now I'm addicted to it.
Wait, what is it? It's private suite. It's a different entrance.
You go, so like the airport's here, all the gates are here. Well, it's on the other side, and you pay extra, and you go to a private suite, and you hang out there, and it's stocked.
You can take whatever you want out of there. It's stocked.
They bring you caviar, and then they put you in a car and drive you onto the tarmac, onto the plane. That's amazing.
It costs more, but if you've got parents that are older like me, it makes sense because they don't want to be in the airports during COVID. Right.
And for me and my team, when we fly out, we all meet at private suite. We all hang up, party our balls off.
It's fucking all you can drink. And then we get on the plane.

So I was like, I'm good.

I'm not drinking.

I had a busy day yesterday.

And then I got there and had a bottle of wine and brushed champagne and caviar.

And I just got fucking lit.

And then got on the plane.

And then, but didn't ring on the plane.

Passed out.

Listened to the Ryan Leaf podcast.

Have you listened to that?

Yeah.

We've had him on our show.

Yeah.

He is fucking fascinating.

Yeah.

And by the way, I didn't follow any of that when it was happening. Yeah.
I don't give a fuck about the Jamarcus Russells and Ryan Leafs, but I will listen to all of Ryan Leafs' podcasts last night. Yeah, he's got a good head about him.
When we were talking to him about as he was going through that process, he's able to look back and very clearly completely self-diagnose, here's where I fucked up, here's reasons are he's a smart guy all i could think is uh don't get the big house that's all i thought and i just bought a big house you did yeah and i was like and but i'm i was hungry in that small house in that small house you had nowhere to go so you got up and you left or you got up and you walked you went out back and you wrote in the big house you're likeunge. I'm going to take a bath.
Yeah, like you have all the amenities. It's crazy.
That's all I heard is don't get the big house. And it's interesting because I have been pushing away.
My wife loves our big house. My daughters love it.
But I've been distant from it because I go, this isn't mine. Like I still need to work.
I still have to work. This isn't mine.
It's fascinating. And it's fascinating to hear the things, the way his brain thought about vengeance and vendettas.
And because I know dudes in comedy that are that way. Right.
And I'm like, whoa. What is it do you think about guys in comedy that it's almost like they're so sensitive all the time? Like they've got these egos and so much of what drives them is just based on like hatred or like trying to bring somebody else that they think they're more deserving than down.
Well, I mean, it really is. You're talking about a group of guys who were more often than not, not cool in high school, not athletic, not couldn't do anything, never had a bunch of successes under their belts.
And so then when they get to comedy and they get a, and there's a lot of rejection in comedy, when you get that success, you, I know the instinct. I know the instinct.
It's you, it's, there's a period when you get a first flash of success where you want to tell everyone to fuck themselves. Right.
You want to tell everyone that, and I, I went through it. I mean, I'm not saying that everyone went through it, but I went through it where you get that first thing and you're like, you want to call up the agents that didn't want to work with you or people that didn't want to help you and be like, I told you.
But the best thing you can do is shut your fucking mouth. It's the old Bill Murray.
Like, I think you said it specifically about Chevy Chase that everyone gets one year to be a dick when they become famous.

Yeah.

And then you got to adjust.

And then Chevy Chase obviously never did.

But that was like –

I never was a dick because – so I got very lucky.

I got very lucky in that I had Travel Channel, small Travel Channel success.

Not success, but it was just like stripper money, you know?

Like it was good money.

And then everything went away.

And during that time, I was – when you get fired from Travel Channel and you don't have a special and you're just working the road and everyone including yourself thinks this will not happen for me it is it is a a an insight I wish every comic could get because you see the comics that look over your shoulder when they're talking to you at the store you see the comics that look in your eye I'll know I'll tell you comics that look in your eye. Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, Tom Segura.
I'm not saying that other people don't. Joey Diaz, my friends, my small group of friends, they're the guys that none of that shit matters.
I mean, Bill Burr and Joe Rogan, I have said this before. When I walked into the backstage of the store one time, they were like, hey man, your show sucks.
And I was like, what? And they're like, your travel show travel show sucks you're wasting your life you're a talented comic and you're awesome on podcasts focus on your podcast get your special done fucking be undeniable joe rogan joe rogan probably more than burr but burr's you know burr just is a quieter dude rogan was like you need to get the fuck out of travel channel and um and when i got fired i remember you find out you find out who the real people are and then when you get you do their first theater tour and you sell them all out and then you add shows and you start doing red rocks and like i'm doing the greek on may 5th small plug but like oh yeah you can find out who those real people are and who the real because now there's people that would look over my shoulder that are like what's up bert yeah hey man i heard you got I heard you got a project going. What's going on? You and Tom sell something? Man, if you ever need a fat astronaut, you know? Right.
Try to invite themselves on, yeah. I feel like the podcast just in general is so much – it's perfect for you because you don't have to worry about having a full team of people to approve every idea that you have.
And I have a lot of bad ones. Yeah, but the bad ideas are usually the best ones.
we're right yeah oh dude let me tell you something you should do a show that's just strictly bad ideas i've had by the way i i've had bad ideas that are so bad that everyone says they're horrible until fucking dave portnoy green lights them and then all of a sudden burke chrysler's a goddamn genius and then i have my next bad idea and everyone's like quick quick quick before barstool does it and it's not a good idea anymore so i came up with two bears sports management probably like three years ago i was like we need to start signing agent signing talent it was a joke and and tom's like what do you mean i go we need a talent we need to find talent and we talked about it we laughed about it athletes reached out to us we talked to one guy the handshake king we signed him but then you guys did it and all of a sudden all these agents that mocked me hit me up like you still doing sports management and i was like i man we don't have the infrastructure they do they're that's a they're a different animal like they're gonna do it and succeed tom and i were just thinking about a lark and then i came up with stupid fucking two bears racing a racing team and i fucking just invested $100,000 and I'm just waiting for dave and you guys to do it so that it's a real idea what is what is i bought tom a race car he bought him a race car for his birthday i bought him a race car so we do gay birthdays so we do uh our gay guys buy the best presidents ever right so one year tom bought me like a three thousand dollar electric bike that goes 40 miles an hour oh those things are sick they're awesome yes and they're even better motorcycles they're

even better at 2 a.m when you're drunk and no one's out right so then the next year i bought

him we said for our birthdays we'll buy more expensive gifts every year and we'll until we

get to a million dollars and so then unbelievable but i'm like i'm like looking at my time my tom's

42 i'm 49 i gotta i gotta speed this up right so i buy him the next year he had moved to

All right. and so then unbelievable but i'm like i'm like looking at my time my tom's 42 i'm 49 i gotta i gotta speed this up right so i buy him the next year he had moved to austin i bought him a fifteen thousand dollar wave runner that goes 70 miles an hour right so he's like nice so then this year does he use it every fucking day oh okay tom's a speed freak okay so he gets on glass and just he uses it so much he bought a second one.
Okay. So then this year he calls me up.
I'm stressed. We got the movie coming out.
We're wrapping the movie. I'm doing screenings in, like, Sugar Land, Los Angeles.
I'm doing shows. I'm on tour.
And I'm stressed out. Tom knows.
And I'm doing Two Bears in Austin. And he knows I'm stressed out.
And he calls me up. He goes, happy birthday.
Don't worry about next week. It was, like, my busiest week.
And I go, what? And he goes, don't worry about it. I got you.
after your show in Austin. And he knows I'm stressed out.
And he calls me up and he goes, happy birthday. Don't worry about next week.
It was like my busiest week. And I go, what? And he goes, don't worry about it.
I got you. After your show in Minneapolis, I got a private jet.
It's going to pick you up. It's going to take you to Austin.
We're going to do two, two bears. Then private jet's going to take you to Sugar Land and it's going to drop you off to go to the screening of the movie.
Then it's going to take you back to LA. So you can see the girls and do your voiceover.
And then the private jet is going to fly you back out on the road. And I was like, for real? He was like, yeah.
And he goes, and it's not one of the tiny ones. It's the fucking G5.
It's like the fucking big one. It's like $70,000.
And I'm like, all I thought was, motherfucker, I've got to spend $100,000 on this guy next year. So I said to him, he's really into cars and racing.
And I said, let's start two bears racing. I'll buy you a race car for your birthday and he's like are you being serious and i said yeah and he goes no you don't mess around with me this is like my dream and i was like done so i bought a 56 000 race car uh we're doing endurance races bmw endurance racing hell yes and i would love if you guys if barstool could start his race team to make this fucking real yeah if you guys this around the office, if Barstool starts a race team, then all of a sudden my idea doesn't look like a weird fucking idea.
Where's the race? All around. Endurance races are forever.
So our first race, I think we're going to get Rogan, Tom, and Matt Farah to be our race team. It's over 24 hours, so they each are just doing laps and laps and laps.
I've got them a trailer. I've got everything wrapped.
I've got him four extra tires, and I've got a crew that's going to be there for the first. I'm into race.
So it's on one track, though. It's on one track, and it's all different types of cars.
So you're not really racing. You're racing against people in your— By the way, I don't really know what I'm talking about.
So I don't know what the fuck— I just have the money to buy the fucking race team. What does the winner something with the business plan on it the business plan uh ad sales okay yes so already in just talking about it all our advertisers for two bears have asked if they could buy space on the car and i'm like oh this could work out pretty good uh secondly uh uh live events so we we do live events and me and tom and and so content for live events is always the key to a great live event.
This could be a great live event either hosted there or shot and then taken on the thing. I made sure that my car has all cameras and the video on the inside so people can live stream and watch Tom race a car for fucking endurance race.

I'm down to drive.

Yeah.

By the way, let me tell you something.

I came up with the idea thinking, because I literally thought, how do we get into Formula

One?

Right.

And then they're like-

That's a lot.

Yeah.

Be a Russian oligarch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so they said, well, you got to start somewhere.

And then all of a sudden, this guy, Matt Farah, who has a great podcast called The Smoking Tire, he hit me up. He goes, this is actually a really great idea.
And he goes, for a $100,000 investment, you can get into endurance racing, and I can help you out. And he knows everything about cars.
So we bought the car. We bought the trailer.
In Sacramento, it shipped yesterday. It's going to get – Fuck yes.
Yeah, and so that's Tom's birthday present is a race team.

I love it.

That's an amazing –

I love it.

Yeah, so now what's the expectation on your part for him to come back at you next year?

What's the ground floor for the price level?

I mean, I'm assuming we're just going to double up.

I'm thinking $200,000.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I kind of want like a ranch house in Montana.

Like I really – by the way, I brought, I told this to a gay dude,

and he goes, do you know the stress we have when my boyfriend buys me something for Christmas that I've got to one-up him? The one-upmanship because it's dudes, right? It's fucking dudes. So there's the competition there.
Then there's the love. Then there's the disposable income.
We had gay guys writing in their favorite presents they brought them.. Dude, it was like my boyfriend got me tickets to the Subway series.
It was like the best fucking presents. Gay guys are just guys.
They're just guys. They're just fucking guys.
They're just guys who get sick-ass fucking presents. Sick-ass presents.
Not all of them want Gucci. Someone like, let's go to the Masters.

Let's go to the, you know?

Right.

So that's fucking, I'm expecting a big present next year.

I can't wait.

I love it.

All right.

My last question, you should get Roback to sponsor the race car.

Roback.

Go to rhoback.com.

We have some Roback here.

Oh, I know Roback.

Yeah.

Dude.

20% off if you use code TAKE.

Which size you are?

By the way, they just sent me a huge fucking box. Oh, they're the best.
They actually are the best. They are the best.
The most comfortable clothes. We went to a lacrosse game.
I got my Roback box for the podcast. It was cold, and I pulled out a couple of the overshirts, and my dad fucking was like, who is this? And I go, it's this podcast sponsor.
It's Roback. And he was like buddy can i go through this yes yeah and then he's like no this is gonna fit you i was like easy big guy yeah no my dad loves this stuff too like it's i think it's it's the most comfortable stuff in the world so roback.com use code take you get 20% off sponsoring bert's racing team eventually we look i don't know where the money in this is see that's why I need you guys.
If you guys start your race team, then I know you guys will figure out where the money is. Well, Dave has got a very good eye for business and how to make money off this stuff.
When you guys, because when I pitched sports management to Tom, however long ago, my agents, no one could figure out how you could make money. And then you motherfuckers came in and you're like collegiate athletes and i was like that's why that's why you guys are where you are i'm not even joking and i and i'm i saw you guys in dick's sporting goods the other day oh yeah i'm like that fucking brain that's a that's a once in a lifetime brain you guys and you guys have a beautiful collective here of brilliant fucking people it's a combination like yeah brilliant chaos and then, brilliant chaos and then a lot of weirdos.
A lot of weirdos. Weirdos are great, though.
You've got to have the weirdos. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, there's so many companies out there that almost exclusively hire non-weirdos.
They do everything that they can in their process to make sure that no weirdos are working at, like, an ESPN or, like, a Fox Sports. People love fucking watching weirdos.
Yes. They put asses in seats.
Weirdos are the best. Dude.
They are the best. dude the best weirdos bad ideas are like i love i this one guy's hit me up because i have a thing we did a thing on two bears that i love original ideas i love original ideas ideas you never heard and this guy one guy who's like dude may not be a bait the best idea i got two dishwashers in my house and i was like what he goes yeah who the fuck i just load one up and then i have one empty so But when I load the other one up, I got two dishwashers in my house.
And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, who the fuck? I just load one up and then I have one empty so when I load the other one up, I put two dishwashers in my house because this fucking guy that wrote in, I put two dishwashers in my house. Changed your life? I don't know, I don't do dishes, but my wife loves it.
Alright, Bert, thank you so much for stopping by. Everyone go check it out.
Anytime you guys are in LA, please come do my podcast. Yes, absolutely.

And if you're in Austin, we always need guest bearers.

So if you're ever in Austin.

How often are you down in Austin?

Once a month.

Okay.

Yeah.

Once a month.

Yeah, I used to live there.

I go back every chance I can get.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we're in.

I appreciate this.

I'm telling you, thank you very much for having me on.

Yes, thank you for coming on.

Loved having you on.

Fuck yeah.

Yes.

All right. Thanks to B Bert Kreischer.
Great guest. We are going to wrap up the show with a little Marsh Madness and Marsh Madness is brought to you by our friends at visible visible has a single line plan for as low as 25 bucks a month with unlimited data, talk, text, and hotspot.
5gg is included plus it's powered by verizon it's everything you'd get on a family plan but you don't need a family stream a can't miss game if you're like jake and you got to watch every single game you got to make sure you have visible stream us your favorite podcasters are some of the best wireless around there's nothing worse than a bad connection when you're trying to stream the fourth quarter or second half so make sure that you get visible you need unlimited data unlimited data is a must when it comes to this month and also every single month unlimited data is the way to go for data management practices learn more visible.com additional terms apply marsh madness thank you to visible and uh yeah if you're not doing this i don't know what you're doing you gotta have the most powerful phone you gotta have the unlimited data you gotta have the 5G it's powered by Verizon it has unlimited data, talk, text and hotspots and it's as low as 25 bucks a month thank you to Visible great plan for everyone out there Marsh Madness let's do it where are we at? alright so we had 20 from the opening weekend. I'm still missing a bunch, but we're at 29 right now.
I think the last 30 to 60 seconds will be the final four. Okay.
So I'm saving a lot for the back end there. Question.
Yeah. Have you factored in the possibility of them just dedicating it solely to Coach K if they win? Oh, my God.
Just a spotlight on Coach K on the court. Oh, my God.
If it's just his whole career. Yeah.
Oh, my God. I fucking hate you, Hank.
Oh, my God. That was actually – I think that was first reported by Frank Fleming.
He did say that over the weekend. Oh, then I'm not feeling bad about that.
I mean, Frank has – yeah, I'm okay. It's a good idea.
Frank has Coach K coaching the lakers lebron's there uh steph curry just got traded there they got the uh yannis is there kevin durant they're all there given the storylines of this year's final four it's gonna be final four heavy this year yeah yeah elite eight didn't have i mean we had the cheerleader again that cheerleader is on there We have this lucky miss, unlucky miss in Gonzaga, Arkansas. It went over the back of the rim.
Oh, my God. That's going to be in there.
Yeah. Yeah, that's for sure.
This is definitely going to be on there. The cool jump up by St.
Peter's, Matthew Lee. So how much St.
Peter's is going to factor into this? Because they've got to have Doug in there at some point too, right? Yeah, Doug hitting a three will be on there. I also had St.
Peter's Purdue missing the buzzer beater and then do you think that they'll have Jaden Ivey opting out of the sweet 16 well that focus on the image shot so right part of it yeah happened um interview heavy there was some good interviews this weekend uh first up Shaheen Holloway and then the players coming over greet him. I loved that.
I loved that interview. That was awesome.
You know what a red flag about Doug is, though? Doug says that he doesn't like sandwiches. How can you say you don't like sandwiches? That's ridiculous.
Everybody's got a sandwich. Maybe he just likes wings.
He's sponsored by Buffalo Wild Wings. Well, they also have delicious sandwiches there and more.
And he's good at apologizing, too. Yeah, he did apologize to you.
Right. Nice guy.
Caleb Love, he checked towards the end of the UCLA game. He won that game for him.
Awesome. Awesome game.
That game was why this tournament is so brutal. UCLA was winning that game and had it for 90% of the game, and then Caleb Love just went nuclear for the last three minutes, and it was like, oh, now you're going home.
Absolutely. The Arkansas cheerleader, guarantee.
With Indiana. Yep.
Again, today's... Jalen Williams taking a charge.
Oh, yeah, I like that. Those old women with the hog smell good shirts.
Oh, yeah. Those were great.
Potentially, yeah. So the Williams thing, I was crazy.
I didn't realize that he wears special pads to allow him to be able to take charges more efficiently. He's SEC Brad Davidson.
That's crazy. Yeah.
He was incredible. He also had this ability.
He almost was like watching that clip of Miles Garrett where he basically teleports through the hole. That's what Jalen Williams would do.
He wouldn't be there, and then all of a sudden, he'd just be underneath someone getting a charge. Yeah.
Tonight's Hubert Davis interview. Emotional.
Hot seat. Not by me.
By our podcast. Team Sport.
I'll take the heat for it. Okay.
Thank you. And Tony Bennett? Team Sport.
We're going to get one definitely of Manic headbanging and his mane just flowing in the air. Yeah, him hitting a three.
I think I had that last week. But, yeah, he keeps hitting the threes.
What a second half by Kansas today. David McCormick's and one I have on there when he went crazy.
Yep. 47-15 second half, I think it was.
Insane. Crazy.
Villanova players going over Justin Moore after they won. Couldn't get up.
Help them on the bench. And then, yeah, the J and Ivy miss.
And St. Peter's the first Elite Eight team, 15 seed to go to the Elite Eight.
Crazy. Unreal run.
Also, we had this debate on our postgame show. I'm interested to hear your thoughts because I was outnumbered in this one.
Bigger upset. St.
Peter's over Kentucky, UMBC over Virginia. UMBC versus Virginia.
Yeah, 16-1. Thank you.
Because I was outnumbered there. That's what I said.
What? There's been like 10 15s over a 2. Yeah.
But I get worked up. They both said 15 over St.
Peter's over Kentucky. That's insane.
These are the same guys that put Huber Davis on the hot seat? Jake, how do you do it?

I don't even know what that argument is.

It's not an argument.

That's the most recency biased argument I've ever heard.

I think they're making the argument because it's Kentucky and it's Coach Cal.

Yeah.

I think there's some Jersey City.

Right.

I understand it's a blue blood, but 16 over a one.

It's a one-time thing.

15 over two is like seven or eight times.

Lehigh.

Jersey City.

Over Duke.

Yeah.

I think it's not even a debate.

They said maybe 60-40.

I'll tweet out the poll right now.

Okay.

That's insane.

I said UMBC over Virginia, and I was outnumbered.

I think sometimes your co-hosts on the podcast,

I don't know how they function in real life.

I feel like they walk around on their heads, just like seeing the world completely upside down sometimes. Man, I'm sorry, Jake.
That's brutal. I love them.
Oh, I love them too. I love them, but they are insane clinically.
I guess. You know who should host that show instead of you would be Emmanuel Acho.
I think they would, the three of them. Oh, by oh by the way he asked somebody he proactively asked somebody to reach out to me to ask me to block him which i did not do and then he blocked me too so now now i lost one of my carson wint stands yeah i'm looking actively for a new psychopath to stand carson wintz with me emmanuel ocho be ready, man, because Content Kim is coming after you.

I still have her Twitter account from when we did Sling Sleepers.

So that will be my burner.

I've been firing my burner at him.

All cylinders.

Jake, great job.

Thank you.

All ends in New Orleans.

So excited.

Man, what a tournament.

Yeah, I'm excited to be there with you guys.

Yeah.

Have you ever been to a Final Four?

I have been to a Final Four. I have a sad story to share.
I told you this. Yeah, I'm excited to be there with you guys.
Yeah. Have you ever been to a Final Four? I have been to a Final Four.

I have a sad story to share.

I told you this.

Oh, wait.

What?

I told you this.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's not that sad.

Okay.

Yeah, so 2016, I was a sophomore.

I thought you told me someone died and I forgot.

No, just like bummer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2016, Syracuse.

I was a sophomore at Syracuse.

They made the Final Four as a 10 seed.

Went down to Houston. They got smoked by UNC i was there oh were you yeah they killed oh that's awesome um and i went back to school i missed the greatest championship shot ever yeah but that's a totally normal a lot of fans leave when their team lives but it's like i'm regretting 2014 i left yeah kent beat Wisconsin.
Fair, but knowing you missed the greatest shot ever.

I think you'll make up for it this time.

The Final Four is great, too.

It's like just middle-aged white dudes walking around in sweatpants for three days.

And a lot of lawyers.

Yeah, a lot of lawyers. Well, yeah, because if you want to get down there,

you have to have a lot of money to be able to get in the building.

So it's guys that are – they will party.

Lawyers. Yeah.
Okay, Billy. Very important.
lot of money to be able to get in the building so it's guys that are they they will party yes yeah uh okay fun billy very important where are we at so we're not in the we're not it could be way worse being that there'd be no positive scenarios in the final four yeah if we lost all our money right yeah right so it's about 50 50 uh. Kansas and UNC, if they win it all, they come out positive, so we would have made money.
We'd be up $651 if UNC won. We'd be up $31 if Kansas won.
That's money. And then Duke and Villanova are both.
We'd be down a K. We'd be down a K.
Duke or Villanova won. So one thing we didn't discuss.
Did you only bet a K of it? Right. So I have 600 left for this exact scenario.
I think we got to let it ride on something. Yeah, so I'm thinking.
I got to parlay. This is a perfect segue, but yeah.
I'm thinking parlaying Duke and Villanova because if both of them win then we're going to be in total

both are negative scenarios

so we got to load up something on Duke and Villanova.

We'll have something to root for in the championship game.

Now something we haven't discussed

yet though is we probably should

that's on us for giving you the money then not

talking about what the payment plan

was on it. So

what percentage of the profits if any

are we expected to give to you? I'm just going gonna give it all back to you guys okay cool and i'll match to myself i'll match the portion to myself i'm also gonna say say what we should do whatever amount we we're left with wait fuck do they do do they change how the women's final four goes now it's sunday night not tuesday night it's usually the night after i'm pretty sure let me double check though i was gonna say we should take all the money and let it ride on the women's championship give a little shine to the ladies that'd be nice yep i'm down for a second i thought you're gonna ask me to make a whole new spreadsheet for the women yes that's exactly what i want um I know they changed it April 3rd, which I believe is

Sunday.

I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, Sunday.

They changed it.

We'll have to make a decision on Sunday morning, Billy.

We'll have to

talk about it, and

you're going to be still in New Jersey, so you'll be able

to place a bet.

Thank God St. Peter's didn't

win because I wouldn't have been able to put a future bet on it in the first place because of New Jersey. So that would have been really bad.
I had $5 on St. Peter's future to win it all when I was outside of New Jersey.
I think I saw a lot of books because when you bet on New Jersey, in New Jersey you can't bet on New Jersey teams, so they'll have title odds excluding, like your bet is void if a New Jersey team wins, and it only had excluding Rutgers and Seton Hall. They forgot to put it in St.
Peter's. What if they did in the Final Four? Who do you think is going to win? Duke, UNC, I guess it would be Duke, Villanova, Kansas, or the field.
And then the field would just be literally St. Peter's.
Could you get away with that, I wonder? No, I don't think so. Yeah, pretty stupid laws.
So we're rooting for UNC. Yes, hard.
Okay. Until I gotta put something together to try to get some better situations for Duke and Villanova.

Okay.

You let us know how it goes.

Then we will, after Saturday night, we'll make a decision on what we're going to do with the women's championship game on Sunday night.

Even though we'll have a good picture of where we're at.

So, Hank, that leads us to you.

You're hot. I'm hot.
I'll give just a, just a quick backstory because you're very involved in this too. I did have a good hungry dog season.
I took my money out. I haven't been really gambling much so in the beginning of this tournament.
On Thursday, I deposited three grand after like a million bets over the weekend. I think I was up like to 4,500.
You texted me to take sunday night at like 2 a.m did that this was houston versus arizona houston versus arizona yes it was before the sweet 16 so i did that and then i think i had like 3 600 left after that houston money line bet and st peter's for 500 i had 3 500 left i said fuck it big cats doing game of the year i'm gonna put all of that on duke uh minus four so all three of those bets hit i was feeling good about myself big cat had the game of the year i felt good about the game of the year myself i understood his logic miami versus iowa state so easy i took everything that i was up put that on miami so that was that was yeah it was it was responsible it was winnings i was taking my winnings and i love the i love the bet so that I was six put that on Miami. Responsibly.
Yeah, it was responsible. It was winnings.
I was taking my winnings, and I love the bet. So that was $6,000 to win $11,000.
And then me and Big Cat were texting again on Friday night, and I was like, dude, I love UNC. There's no way that they're going to let – NCAA wants Duke and UNC bad.
And Big Cat was like, well, then Duke money line, UNC money line is the pick. That pick that went off in my head it clicked it sparked something in my mind on saturday i drove to pennsylvania like an hour away just so i could put this bet in and i can't bet on the unc st peter's game yeah so i bet i bet that 11 grand the tobacco road tsunami that hit so now i'm up a shit ton i'm just trying to figure out like out what my next move is.
I'm thinking about taking some out, maybe booking a vacation or a summer house or something. Typical.
But part of me, well, yeah, obviously. You've got to do something with it.
Otherwise, Hank, you're not young anymore. You shouldn't be booking summer houses.
You've got to make it worth it. Otherwise, if you just keep it on the sportsbook, there's no reason.
But I'm thinking the Celtics are the hottest team in the NBA right now. Best defense, best offense.
Duke-Celtics championship future. Okay, so I don't mind the fact that you're out here trying some crazy shit, taking risks because it's been paying off for you.
I don't love the fact that you're going cross sports here. I don't like that.
You could get a brotherhood. It's all connected.
It's the brotherhood. Jason Tatum.
And then you'll have to wait for your next winner. Well, I have a lot to play with.
I wouldn't put $28,000 on it. The scary thing is if Duke doesn't win at all, then you basically don't have your Celtics future.
That's true. But that's not going to happen.
Come on. Did you hear the beginning of the show? Well, let's think.
What would the NCAA-rigged bet be? I think it would probably be Kansas and Duke money line. I agree.
That's the can't lose part of that. So do that.
I think I can mess around a little bit. I do want to do one whale play for, you know, next weekend.
Keep the people going. I mean, the ultimate NCAA rig parlay would be Duke Moneyline, Kansas Moneyline, and future on Duke winning the natty.
Or Duke Moneyline, Kansas Moneyline, future on Celtics winning the championship. 1,000 pays 23.
Wait, on Duke Moneyline, Kansas Moneyline, and Celtics Championship? Yeah, 5,000 pays 115,000. That's it.
It'd be a real shame. When we're talking about these big...
Anytime I see something like over 20 grand in an account, I just think that's a car. Yeah.
You should get a car. Or a summer house.
All right, well, this won't blow up in your face no yeah no this is good blow up in your face i'm now feeling a lot more confident about unc this is what i needed i needed some ridiculous like the hank hank is great when he's using his logic not when he's doing this well no that what we're dealing with right now is like dangerously confident hank right it's a terrible has joined the chat. I tried to tell you.
You guys are texting me. I tried to share these bets with you.
PFT was like, no, I'm taking Arkansas. I was like, that is the dumbest thing you could do.
I tried to tell you. I hit St.
Peter's money line. I had some cash burn in my pocket.
There was a great moment on Saturday Night PFT when Hank and Marty, Duke was up like 20, and they're like, people just hate us. And Marty's like, oh, because I'm a Yankees and Duke fan.
And Hank's like, yeah, I'm a Patriots and Duke fan. I was like, oh, my God, these guys.
So, you know, I mean, I kind of went through this a little bit during football season with Hank, but the fact that all his teams are so good, like, I've just kind of accepted the fact that there's something. Hank is a winner.
Hank personally wins. He exudes winning.
He wins things all the time. Yeah, no, this is going to be.
And I think it's a testament to Hank. It's not about the Patriots.
It's not about Coach K. I would bet on Hank.
Yeah. If there was, like, an ability to bet on a better, I'm taking Hank Moneyline.
I wouldn't let you down. Think about it.
We've got this whole thing. We talked about Coach K's farewell tour.
This has all been leading up to Hank. Hank is going to New Orleans.
He's now a suit, so he gets to stay in the suite and everything. He's director of content.
He gets everything he wants. Vice president.
He's going to actually be able to trade business cards with Dukies on Bourbon Street at like 4 a.m. But this is all leading up to the best weekend of Hank's life.
He's going to get to watch his team and his coach cut down the nets and walk away. And we know how fun it is to celebrate a championship on Bourbon Street.
We do. I feel like Duke fans probably will be a little more rowdy.
No, they'll be doing their taxes because it is close to April 15th. I'm like, oh, I've got to get to sleep.
What we saw last time was LSU winning a national championship in New Orleans. I feel like this would be crazier, yeah.
Yeah, this is probably going to be crazier, Duke, for sure. I was going to say something I'm not going to say because we get this podcast in a lot of trouble.
I'm not going to say what I was going to say. Daniel Jones and Bates having like half a hand grenade and then going to sleep.
Dude, don't let Bates Jones get hot. Coach K needs to play him more.
Grant Hill having half of a half of a tee and falling asleep. And fucking Jim Nance.
Who will Jim Nance give his tie to? Because Duke doesn't have any seniors because they don't have any senior nights. I think it might be Coach K if they went ahead.
Oh, my God! It is. This is torture! Am I wrong, though? No, you're not.
This is torture. It's Coach K.
This is absolute torture. He's probably going to give it to Coach K's grandson.
Oh, my God. Yeah, it's possible.
Or Mickey. He'll be like, here, give this to your driver that your grandfather has purchased.
If you see Coach K, please don't take a picture. He's so sick of all this attention.

It's not about him.

This is going to be sickening.

Please, UNC.

I bought so much UNC gear.

I just need them so bad. I need them so, so bad.
Let's go for six.

Oh, you motherfucker.

Thirteen.

Sixty-six. Twenty-five.
Eleven. Sixteen.
13 66

25

11

6 in it

Nice pick, bro

72

Did we just have 72?

Back to back

Oh, wow

Damn

PMT rigged

Damn

People in India wear masks on the back of their head

To make sure that tigers don't sneak up on them

Love you guys

Libs

Let's go. DMT rigged.
Damn. People in India wear masks on the back of their head to make sure that tigers don't sneak up on them.

Love you guys.

Libs.

Pretty soon Fauci's going to have us doing that here too.

Rex Chapman teach you that one?

Locker charge.

This guy in India got eaten by a tiger

because he didn't have his mask on.

Talking away.

So I don't know what to say. I'm saved in his way.
Take On me Take me on I'll be gone And after I'm too Needless to say I'm all the same But I'm peace you Take on me Say after me, at least no better to be safe inside me.

Take on me, take me on. I'll be gone.
In a time to Of things that you say

Is it life or Just to play my worries away You're all the things I've got to remember Are you shying away? I'll be coming for you anyway Are you shying away? I'll be coming for you anyway. Are you shying away? I'll be coming for you anyway.

Take on me.

Take me home.

I'll be gone.

It ain't. Thank you.