Bert Kreischer, Coach K’s Farewell And Monday Reading

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we have an incredible interview with Burt Kreischer, comedian, raconteur. He's got a new movie coming out soon.
Awesome dude. We talked to him in LA in person.
Highly, highly recommend listening to this one because it is very, very good. we also have Coach K's farewell tour

which was one of my favorite nights of basketball ever. We will recap that.
We will do Who's Back of the Week. We have a little Monday reading for you.
A great show for everyone on a Monday. And we were brought to you by our friends.
Ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working?

Nah, neither has Ariat.

Ariat work jackets and boots are packed

with all the cold stopping waterproof protection

you need to get the job done under any conditions

so you can take any job out there and always deliver.

Check out Ariat in your local workwear retailer

or visit Ariat.com slash work

to get 10% off your first order when you sign up

for email and whether whatever in Ariott work year. And then a lot of work to be done No place to hang out or wash in And then I can't blame all on the sun Oh no We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh we're gonna rock down to Take presented by Barstool Sports.
Welcome to Part of My Take presented by Coors Light. Go check them out right now, coorslight.com slash take.
Today is Monday, March 7th, and the Coach K Farewell to Cameron game was one of the best games I've ever watched in my entire life. $5,000 a ticket to get in.
I'd say it was well worth it for all the alum that were there. I think every person who's ever played or been suspended by Coach K showed up for that game.
It was a touching farewell. So I took some notes because this was so much fun.
I had such a good time. And Hank, I want to hear from you.
Just so you know, PFD Hank did bet UNC plus 11. And also Moneyline.
I want to hear from Hank. No, I didn't.
I want to hear from Hank, but I want to just go through the timeline real quick. Why? Dr.
Fiction, fiction. Because this is my favorite game ever.
I was tickled to no end. I watching the post game ceremony with the with a pint of ben and jerry's i was everything about last night was spectacular so let's just go through the the timeline of events real quick hop in whatever you want hank at pft go ahead okay if you if i'm wrong about anything uh well let's start april 1st roy williams retires in the middle of the day no like hey what's going on roy williams retiring really the right way gracefully walks off exit stage left what most coaches do because when you think about it there's not a lot of coaches that take retirement tours usually just like like bob knight didn't take a retirement tour from indiana he gracefully departed exactly yes he went off into the sunset with class.
Right, exactly. Coach Roy Williams did the same.
Woody Hayes. Many people would say that Coach Roy Williams has a better resume in the state of North Carolina than Coach K does.
Well, at least in terms of exits he does. All right, so that was April 1st.
June 3rd. June 3rd.
Now, Jake, real quick, when does college basketball start? College basketball starts the second week of November. Okay, so June 3rd.
All right, so that's a lot of months in between June 3rd and November. All right, so June 3rd, Coach K announces that he is going to retire after this last season.
A retirement tour is officially on. If you remember, we had the every time we touch video where everyone was clapping.
It was awkward. He's like, listen, I'm going to retire this year.
I don't want to make it about myself, guys, but I'm giving you six months to prepare all your gifts and dick sucking for this retirement tour that we're going to embark on. Yep, and word on the street was that Coach K was a little bit miffed that on their last trip

to Chapel Hill, the Tar Heels didn't do anything nice for him.

I have that.

I have that.

That's coming with the handshakes for tonight.

Yeah, because the handshake.

Yeah.

No, we have that coming.

Don't worry.

That's absolutely coming.

So Coach K said, I didn't stay because I wanted a farewell tour.

I stayed because I wanted to coach one more year.

He could have easily coached one more year without being an egomaniac and making it all about Coach K. But he didn't want the farewell tour.
He just wanted to tell everyone in June that it was the farewell tour. Well, he needed six months to make sure that Tommy Amaker did not get the job.
Yes, right. Exactly.
So he also said this was actually a few weeks ago. He said, hey, it's not look at me.
It's my last game. I'm not going to do that i'm sure it'll be emotional but it's going to be about the team always always always always it's always about the team it's not about coach k uh and then he also said uh this last past year has been like a celebration of our program but because i'm stopping coaching it's been a celebration of me and i don't like that so he actually is very uncomfortable with the fact that everyone's making it about Coach K.
There should have been a way for him to announce that this was his last year and that there would be a retirement tour that was stopping across the country without making him the focus of his own retirement tour. Every school along the way gave gifts.
He said it was uncomfortable. It's the media that's doing this to Coach K.
Obviously, Coach K does not want to focus on him. He wants it on the players.
He wants it on the program, the team, the team, the team. Always, always, always, always.
For always. So we're flash forwarded to last night where the week has been about Coach K.
ESPN had six different streams ready to go. Everyone was doing their tributes.
And then we get to the game and Kansas and Texas go to overtime so they can't. Everyone has to watch the ACC network or the ESPN app for Coach K's big moment.
That was, there's something beautiful about Kansas, a true blue blood in my eyes, taking away from Duke there. I loved it.
That game was fantastic. It was a fantastic game to watch.
This is March truly. Hank was watching.
He was so happy to be watching it. Well, also Kansas has a coach that knows how to age gracefully as well.
A guy that is confident in his own looks, in his own hair. He doesn't need to go out there and make any adjustments to it.
No dying. To pretend that he looks younger.
Yep. So before the game started, the Duke basketball account tweeted out bragging it was the most expensive college basketball ticket ever uh average price was 5 307 kids obviously camping out for months for this ticket is that a brag or just a fact uh well it's kind of a brag right because like what i mean roy williams last ticket wasn't that expensive because he again he gracefully left i don't but i don't get where the brag is that's just a statement fact i mean it's kind of a brag the number is saying we're the number one sports podcast a brag or we don't say that you just said that you just said that i hear you say it all the time so now you're fighting us i'm just trying to give you i'm just trying to give you context okay it's just the fact that me and big cat get paid 101 000 per episode yes that's.
That's not a brag. Because we have to report that as public information to the IRS.
Duke is a private university. They don't have to report that stuff.
Good interjection, Hank. You're right.
It wasn't a brag. It was a statement of fact.
Thank you. All right.
All Duke legends came back for this game. You saw Carlos Boozer, JJ Redick, Christian Laettner, Jerry Seinfeld, Kyler Murray, T.O., all the guys that went to Duke.
Came back for Coach K. The pressure, I think I especially love that they all were wearing the Coach K logo, like he had just died when they do the patch, when the owner of a team dies and they make a patch.
I actually do think that Duke should be allowed to wear the black stripe across one of their sleeves next year in remembrance of Coach K's pass. And wait, was LeBron there? No, LeBron was busy.
That's unfortunate. I feel like LeBron would have been there if he was able to get away.
Side note, Hank had a hell of a night because I was thinking about it. A lot of people would seem like they either hate Duke and hate LeBron or they love Duke and love LeBron.

Hank has the love Duke, hate LeBron.

So right after the game, LeBron dropped a 50-burger right in everyone's face on ABC.

All right, back to the game, though.

Back to the game.

So Duke is an 11-point favorite.

They basically didn't even talk about UNC playing in the game.

UNC was just a participant in Coach K's farewell game. Duke is an 11-point favorite.
They beat UNC by 20 earlier this year. They had to have killed them, right, PFT? Absolutely.
So I even took the alternate. I said that Duke was going to win by between, I think it was 15 and 21 points.
Didn't even look at the game after that. I was like, okay, this is money in the bank.
Haven't checked my statement. I'm sure it hit, though.
Oh. Jake, do you have the final score? I believe it was 94-81.
Duke won 94-81? You would think. Yeah? No, North Carolina won.
Oh, no. To be fair, this game should should have been played under protest they didn't do a handshake line before the game like duke had requested that they do they wanted double handshake line or at least they didn't want the handshake line at the end of the game after the game was over to interfere with the coach case ceremony correct um so unc respectfully declined to do the pre-game handshake line and instead now line and instead now there's some blow-by footage of some of the coaches after the fact.
I thought that Coach K was gracious as always. Well, yeah, so they lost.
They lose. But you lose games sometimes.
Yeah, you lose games to your bitter rival. You know, some may say he was putting a lot of pressure on his kids, like having this all about him and like you can't lose Coach K's last game of Cameron and you have, you know, 80 NBA guys watching and all the stars are out.
They lose. And then the postgame celebration.
Oh, let me back up. The shots of the kids with like their Sesame Street costumes crying and face paint.
That was just delicious. It was wonderful.
When Coach K gets on the mic and the first thing that he does in his acknowledgement to the fans is he tells everybody to shut the fuck up. Scolds him.
Scolds him as only Coach K could. That's the best, though.
I love that. I would rather have it no other way than for Coach K to get up there and do what coach k does impromptu and he scolds the fans for being too loud during his retirement ceremony he scolds them and then uh there was a montage video that coach k did the voiceover for which i don't think i've ever seen that been done that was incredible uh it was essentially a funeral for the guy where he got to back to similar Curb where he's just doing a living funeral for himself.
We don't make jokes about that, though. Yeah.
I also feel like I specifically remember some Coach Doug's montages with Coach Doug's voice overs. I did the voiceover myself? The thing is, personally, I don't think I did it.
I never did a voiceover. One of those is a video game character that Big Cat made up, and the other is maybe the most famous college basketball coach of all time.
Find the voiceover. Someone said Coach Duggs is the most famous college football coach in the internet world.
And he didn't do a retirement tour. People are asking for one more year.
Retirement tour doesn't give it to him. Because sometimes it's better to just not make it about yourself and not invite all the legends back like, fuck, forget all the guys names rico bergerton jojo smalls etc etc all right back to coach k don't deflect us don't don't divert us here hank um they also gave him a bench which was great because coach k was sitting there seething in anger as the ad or president i don't know who was it was.
Just like, you know, we talked about bachelor or a wedding speeches. He was the dude that's like, come on, man, like get off, get off the stage, gave him a bench.
People were like, they only gave him a bench. Well, how many things can you name after him? Cause they already named the court after him while he was still coaching.
There's an entire shanty town outside the stadium named after him. Right.
Like, I mean, the event things to name after coach k i like the bench though to honor the location where some of his best grandchildren sit yes exactly so yeah his grandchildren came out that was actually a nice moment i'll have uh my my my cynical side stop for a minute and say that it was nice that coach k had his entire family there. But yeah, it was the best night.

That's very big of you.

Yeah, that was big.

At the end of the day, coming as a non-Duke fan in peace,

it's nice that Coach K's family loves him.

Right.

And we've said it before.

He wants to retire to spend time with his kids who are all like 60 plus

and his grandkids who are all like 30.

Or in jail.

Yeah.

It was a great night. It was a fantastic night it was so funny it was off the charts funny i loved every second of it and of course duke fans will be in my mentions tomorrow being like you're salty yes i am uh you hate you hate duke because they're really good yes i do all these things i admit openly but there's nothing better in sports than hating something and having a night like last night.
It was like all the hate cashed in last night for everyone who doesn't like Duke or Coach K. That was just the best night possible.
Real talk, though. I'm going to miss Coach K.
Yeah, duh. I'm going to miss having this guy around.
It's the old who's the bad guy thing. Right.
It's good to have an enemy that we can all unite behind, that we can all laugh at, that occasionally makes us look like idiots. He was good for college basketball.
I'm going to miss having the most hateable guy around. And I don't hate John Shire.
That's the problem. I'm sure I will eventually, but I don't.
You'll grow to hate him for sure, but he's no Coach K. It's not going to be the same.
I actually think he chose the right time to retire. I feel like last night's game told you everything you need to know.
He'd be on the hot seat. I'm putting Coach K on the hot seat right now because of that performance.
I think he'd be fired at the end of this year, even if he didn't retire. Also, I'm just going to throw this out there.
Maybe a chance that he goes and coaches the Lakers next year? Why not? LeBron needs a coach. LeBron basically went to Duke.
Wouldn't that be great? LeBron did say he was his favorite coach he's ever had. Yeah.
So, like, he basically is like, my favorite teacher ever is my summer camp teacher. Like, he got to hang out with him in the summer and win gold medals.
We're going to say Jake. I have one thing.
Did the Duke Athletic Department not remotely consider doing the ceremony pregame and thought this would be awkward if they lost? Oh, no, they did do a ceremony pregame. They did a ceremony pregame, postgame, all week.
It's not about Coach K, though. It's not about Coach K.
And the awkward part is it's not his last game. He still has an ACC tournament to play.
Last home game. I understand.
Sounds like you don't. No, I do.
I get it. It was the last time he was at home in front of his home fans.
But I feel like if they did everything pregame, it would have been fine. Should they do senior night after they lose? No.
Were there any seniors on the team? Imagine being a senior on Duke this year. I don't think.
You don't have a senior night. Did they have the moms come out with the roses? No way.
I don't think so. I think Coach K probably just escorted all of them across.
He just fucked all the moms. It was like, that's your senior night, boys.
You might have a younger brother related to Coach K. Joey Baker.
Joey Baker. Theo John.
He had some 30 plays. Poor Theo John and Joey Baker.
Theo John tackled the guy, right? I know. He should have been kicked out of the game.
Hank, go ahead. Yeah, just maybe one more date.
You kind of started with Roy Williams, but I think the key date in all of this is April 6, 2015. Duke 68, Wisconsin Badgers 63, National Championship.
If there's anyone wondering, like, why is Big Cat such a hard-ass and psychopath against Coach K? That is the real date that matters now i don't think so that's kind of fair but also like it's coach k that we're talking about like coach k is universally in our country gold medal i hated duke before that and people are like how can you hate duke the guy before him didn't yeah but people are like how can you hate duke how can you hate the yankees how can you hate al Alabama football? How can you hate the Cowboys? But I don't like Duke. I don't like Duke.
I've never liked Duke. Yes, my hatred went nuclear in 2015.
A hundred percent. I am salty about that till the day I die.
I mean, you're just saying things I've said myself. Well, you didn't start it, though.
You started it with Roy Williams. Yeah, okay.
It really starts in 2015. Okay, that's fine.
That's fine. I've seen you do this, come in early and take notes for two people, Aaron Rodgers and Coach K.
That's not the same as the Yankees, Alabama. I took a page of notes.
Listen, hating in sports is just as fun as loving. I agree.
It's the best. It was so much fun.
Actually, you know what? Hank, you're right. I'm going to thank Coach K because he made last night about us, the haters.
It was a night for the haters. It really was.
It was the perfect night for the haters. They also have Bates Jones, the younger brother of Daniel Jones.
Oh. New York Giants.
Damn. And he had senior night cocked? Yeah.
That's brutal. Graduate student.
Hank, give me your thoughts, so for real, on the game. Because you have to admit, like, his legacy is completely shot now.
I mean, I do feel that's definitely not true whatsoever. That's what everyone's going to remember about Coach K.
Unless they win it all. That's the only way.
Listen, these players are under a lot of pressure, a lot of scrutiny. It's not like a normal college program where they're a highly ranked team going into the tournament.

They're highly ranked, and they have all the world watching them,

expecting them to win one last championship for Coach K.

And last night was a lot of pressure.

They had everyone watching.

They probably caved to that pressure, weren't able to handle it.

And the only takeaway that's good is that they felt that pain.

They now know what they need to do in the ACC tournament and the the ncaa tournament to win so hopefully that's a good takeaway uh other than that that was a disaster i kind of that's why i did bet carolina plus 11 we talked about it carolina needed the win they had nothing to lose duke players had everything to lose you kind of saw at the end of the game where it's like they got the it was it was kind of close and then carolina just blew me out of the water like it was ugly ugly, ugly, ugly loss. Beautiful.
But yeah, Coach K is still a legend. Greatest to ever do it.
Also, afterwards, it was like, yeah, but we won the regular season. Who does that? Who celebrates regular season titles? Fucking loser talk.
They didn't have any bloggers on the court. And it wasn't even.
That would be very funny. If you're looking right now, let's just address this right now because we're not going to re-tape,

but Wisconsin might lose to Nebraska.

And if they do, they still win a share of the Big Ten

or maybe even outright if Iowa beats Illinois tonight.

It's fine.

I'm just going to have some PS5s I'm going to give away on Twitter.

It would have been very funny if they invited Hank down onto the court

like Big Cat got invited for Wisconsin

to give a speech at the end of it.

Yeah.

Our most notable...

And he'd be like, I won money, plus 11, UNC UNC. It was also somewhat like I felt bad for the players.
It was. They probably felt bad when Coach K was like, I would just like to say that was unacceptable.
Like they already felt bad when they had to come out on the court. And then he basically like shit on them in front of everyone.
Yeah. Make them feel worse.
There's like a coach. K's job is not over yet.
So he's probably going to do some crazy Coach K things this week and next week to motivate his teams. He probably won't even let them practice.
He's like, you're not worthy of being in the arena that bears my name. Didn't he also say, he said the UNC, what's their player, Bacot? Bacot.
Bacot. Was the ACC player of the year.
Just like a total fuck you to Paolo. I mean, yeah, he's got to motivate them.
But it was an impossible spot for them. They had like half of the NBA watching as they had the most pressure.
You can't lose this game, Coach K. Ceremonies upon ceremonies.
Routines all out of shot. It's not about Coach K, but it is about Coach K, but it's not about Coach K, and then they choked.
I'll bet you Coach K is going to continue to go to games and probably sit right behind the bench. Yes.
He's going to be coaching from the stands next year. He's also going to absolutely try to coach another game at some point.
You know he will. He's going to be like the Champions Classic.
I wouldn't be shocked if the first game of the year next year, he's like, listen, John Shire, it's your program, but I want to coach against Cal, my buddy, one last time. Come on.
You know what they should do? They should take all the old coaches that have retired that are iconic and symbols of their university and just have them coach the Maui tournament every year. Yeah.
Just like put on the Hawaiian shirts. You're basically retired.
Bobby Knight. Yeah, Have Bobby Knight go out there and try to punch a ref one last time.
It was a great night of college basketball. I couldn't have gone out like Jim Boeheim, who's going out, you know, starting all of his sons and being under .500 and choking games away.
That would have been nice. It's going to be the first time ever, unless they win two games this week, that they're under .500 first time ever bayheims but we like buddy and jimmy but uh awls that was bad that was a bad game yeah they blew it has college basketball caught up to the zone well no i don't think so but maybe if if like 60 of your starting lineup is related to you that might be a problem yeah i i do think though pft i'm iFT, I'm going to miss Coach K not only because he's a heel.
He's a great heel. Like, one of the all-time, if you don't like Duke, and I think a lot of people don't, he's so perfect to hate.
And also, we're going to lose. I feel like we're losing a little bit of an error because when Jim Boeheim, you know, goes out to pasture, Rick Pitino, who knows where he's going to go next.
Cal. The era of these college coaches that are bigger than life feels like it's dying a little bit.
The guys we have right now are not old school legends. Tom Izzo is the other one too.
Tom Izzo. But even like Mark Few or Chris Beard or Tony Bennett.
These guys aren't great coaches, but they're not these titans that feel like they're hovering over everything. Rick Barnes, to a certain extent, he's just been around for a while.
Right. You're right.
It's not the Coach K. Coach K is college basketball.
He is Duke. He gave the program back to Duke, by the way.
He said it's been mine for 42 years, but now it's theirs. So that was his parting gift.
He got a bench, and then in return he gave Duke its program back. That's very nice of him.
Yes. Where does one put a bench? How do you get that bench home? I would assume it's – wait, did he get a bench, or did the bench get named after him? I'll double check.
I think it's the Coach K bench at the Coach K court at Cameron Indoor. I'm just going to say, like, if anybody here ever thinks about getting me a bench for an occasion, just pass.
Just go to option B on that one. I got enough benches.
Okay. Benches ain't shit.
Shit. I got to return that thing.
All right. What else we got? What else? I mean, that was, I'm seriously, I woke up so happy today.
It's just so much fun.

I love sports.

I love sports.

It did feel like it was the end of an era, not just for Coach K, but it's like,

for those of us that grew up watching those old college basketball coaches, it's like, okay, this is, I remember when Shaq retired.

That's when I really felt old for the first time as a sports fan.

Coach K's retirement definitely makes me feel old.

Yes.

What were you going to say, Hank? Jake, what are the chances that Duke and Wisconsin are in the same bracket? One would have to be a two and a three. If they both win their conference tournament, there's a chance both could be a one.
Slim, but unlikely. Coach K is just going to request to just be in the final four.
I think they'll probably let him, yeah. Right? He's already picking his stadium and the time of day that his game tips off at.
Why, Hank? You want a shot? You want another shot? Yeah. I mean, that's fine.
Can I be in the Final Four? Again, I am – like, I've explained my hate. It's all out there.
I don't – I'm not winning titles. I am – obviously, there's jealousy involved.
There's hatred because they're just good, and every year they've been good for my entire life. None of this is new.
How can you call yourself a sports fan if you don't hate the team that dominates, right? You have to. You have to hate the team on the top.
I think that Coach K is kind of like Patriots adjacent, just in the fact that he's been so good for so long, and he goes about it in kind of like a Belichickian, prickly type way. I think Hank has no choice but to respect Coach K for that.
Yeah, they presented him with a bench. It reminds him too much of his own excellence.
Okay, he got a bench. He just got a bench.
He could be—he's basically with the Washington football team now? No, Dallas Cowboys brought it up. Yeah, we're bringing benches to stadiums.
Is it heated? Did Johnny Davis just get hurt while I was doing that whole thing? He got fouled. I know, and I think he kind of bumped his knee pretty bad.
You know what else was great about Saturday night? It was like back-to-back. You had Trey McGowan's ejected for a flagrant two on Johnny Davis.
Yeah, but I don't know if he got hurt. But go ahead.
But Saturday night, back-to-back, you had Coach K and everybody getting to laugh at Coach K's last game. And then the other thing that could only unite most of America, besides watching Coach K get dunked on, Greg Hardy getting the shit kicked out of him.
Yes. I love that.
Everyone can get behind that. It was a night of seeing the bad guys lose.
Yeah, it was. If LeBron had lost by 30 to the Warriors, it would have been the perfect night.
And Poon had gotten assassinated. Yes.
Everything would have come up here. But yeah, it was a hell of a night.
And you're right, Greg Hardy. Although, I think Dana White, his contract is up.
He's got to keep him, right? Just so that we can hate? Yeah, it's one of those things where I think even Dana White is like, this guy is such a piece of shit that I don't want to pay him. Even though he puts butts in seats.
That's what happened. Dana White on the way up, he would a million times out of a million take a guy like Greg Hardy and him like the focus of multiple pay-per-views right and just just to get the money but now that dana white's got fuck you money i'd actually argue that dana white with fuck you money is a uh is a very dangerous thing yes but in this case dana is just like you know what i don't need that guy not gonna pay him he's a scumbag yeah Yeah.
Anything else from Saturday or that we missed this weekend?

Jake, best time of the year again.

Best time of the year.

Yep.

We've got three teams with their tickets punched.

You want to list them for us?

One of them is ongoing, but we've got Murray State out of the Ohio Valley Conference.

We've got Longwood making their first ever appearance out of the Big South.

Bonk.

And then we've either got Loyola Chicago or Drake just started the second half of Arch Madness, Missouri Valley.

This is Marsh.

I love Arch Madness.

It's the best.

It's awesome.

It's a great tournament.

All right.

So anything else?

So Minnie who's back is Sister Jean.

Even if they lose, they have a chance for that.

She's still alive.

She's still alive.

She's still alive.

There's no way she's still alive.

She's still alive. They showed her yesterday.
No, this is like the queen of england thing they replaced her with a different sister gene she's gonna live she's still forever forever so they might get it even if even if they lose but yeah um okay let's do who's back of the week and then we will have our interview with burt chrysher great interview awesome interview highly recommend it um we are brought to you by our friends at ZipRecruiter. According to the latest research, 90% of employers plan to make enhancing the employee experience a top priority in 2022.
After all, a happy workplace is key to attracting and keeping great employees. So if you are looking to hire, if you're looking for a job, ZipRecruiter is the place to do.
If you need to add more employees to your team, their ZipRecruiter, their matching technology helps you find the right people for your roles fast. And right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash PMT.
ZipRecruiter uses powerful technology to find and match the right candidates up with your job. Then it proactively presents these candidates to you.
You can easily review these recommended candidates and invite your top choices to apply for your job, which encourages them to apply faster. ZipRecruiter's technology is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.
Find the right employees for your workplace with ZipRecruiter. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash PMT.
That's ZipRecruiter.com slash PMT. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.
Okay, Henry. Daniel.
Henry. This is a risky who's back by me because it's currently a tied game with 3-14 left, but either way, Celtics are back.
They had some trouble early in the year. They were blowing a lot of fourth quarter leads.
They have fully figured it out. Their defense is unbelievable.
I think right now they're second in the league defensively, soon to be first. Right now, they are up.
Yeah, LeBron dropped like 55 on the Warriors last night, and that almost pushed the Celtics into the top spot. But they're up one right now against the Nets.
Either way, they're either going to want to have won 13 out of 15 or 12 out of 15. They're a legitimate contender.
The Sixers are good. The Celtics are good.
The Nets might be good. It's going to be exciting.
In the beginning of the year, I didn't think that the Celtics had a shot to win the East. Now I do.
And the Cavs are good in the Central Division. Balls? And the Bucs.
Did you see what happened to Big Baby at courtside? I did. Yeah, Big Baby.
That was funny. It's a fall from grace.
That was very funny. The past few years.
Big Baby was courtside, and they cut to him during the game right as the usher was kicking him out of his seat. Yeah, it was great.
That is very funny. It was a tough scene.
That is very funny. Tough scene for Big Babe.
You're going to mention the Bulls? They can't beat anyone good.

No.

It's actually really bad.

Yeah, and I'm Cavs.

Maybe they won't have to play anyone good in the playoffs.

I need the Bulls and Bucs to eat each other live

and the Cavs to win the Central Division.

So where do we sit?

Are we all the way back in on the Celtics?

You don't think that they need to blow it up?

You don't think they need to trade anybody this offseason?

No, all the way back in.

They're really, really good.

They're playing really well.

Defensively, they're unbelievable.

I think the Sixers would be favored in a playoff series, but it would be exciting. Is it finals or bust? I would say finals or bust.
You can make the finals. It's not bust.
It's not like if we don't make the finals, blow the team up. The East is going to be very fun.
It's the first year of a new coach. Yeah, they're in first place.
Yeah, the East is going to be very, very fun. You versus Sixers would be all time.
I know. All time.
Jake, can you find out about Johnny Davis? Because I don't know if he's on the bench. I'm starting to get very worried.
Which would be like, wouldn't this just be if he tore his ACL while I was doing my Duke rant? Yeah. That would be some karma right there.
Oh, my God. Jason Tatum, 49 points.
Some Coach karma. I'm starting to silently freak out.

Okay, I'm happy for you, Hank.

Thanks. And you still have Duke.

Yeah.

Like Coach K said, there's still a lot of basketball left.

We got to figure out.

I feel like we got to bring back LeBron Lockwood this postseason.

Cat bat?

If Duke wins a natty, will you get a cat?

Nah. I'm done with cat bets.
Okay. Soft.
If you risk a cat as well. I'm not doing a cat bet unless you guys have something on the line, too.
You forced me into potentially getting a cat. We kind of did strong army into the whole cat thing.
Would have been funny. A little hyperallergenic cat.
Shaved cat. Hairless.
Hairless cat. Okay, PFT, your who's back.
My who's back of the week is Max Homa. Yes.
Max Homa's back. Had an ace.
Had a hole in one. Looked good doing it.
Good celebration from Max. Real tournament.
He figured out that you can't miss a two-foot putt if you just hit it in on your first shot. So Max is all the way back.
I love Max Hall. Max is good for golf, officially in my book.
Yes, absolutely. I was shocked that he was playing on Saturday.
Yep. Because it is a real tournament.
I dubbed it the fifth major, Arnold Palmer Classic. And I also, like he, credit to me, I like to make fun of Max.
I didn't make fun of him when he hit that i just asked if it was a real tournament but it also like i saw it did you guys see it was like 11 a.m so it tells you where he was on the leaderboard yeah that it was just like oh okay he's playing oh he's already on this hole that was early maybe it was a shotgun start yeah that's true that's probably what it was that's true it definitely was weather inclement weather yep yep weather delay yep yep he was in the last group yes yes uh my other who's back of the week is shorts yeah shorts are back it's like 65 degrees in new york and that smells like golf i'm rocking shorts baby shorts are back but this is this is one of those uh fake shorts days where you just know next week it's going to be 29 degrees. Yep.
And now I'm going to be all behind because once I mentally transition into shorts, I just don't go back. Correct.
And so I'll get caught wearing these shorts when it's freezing outside, looking like a fool, walking down the street. You know the color that your legs get when it's really cold? It's like a bright red mixed with ashiness.
That's what I'm going to be looking like next week. But I can't go back.
I've officially made the mental transition. I'm a shorts guy now.
I have the reverse going on where I'm going to try to hold on to the sweatshirt weather for as long as possible. So probably the next three weeks will just be me sweating profusely because it's 70 degrees and I'm wearing a hoodie.
Yeah. Being like, just hold on what i'll do is i'll make the switch into shorts but then i'll just compensate via my top as to what the actual weather is so if it's like 29 degrees i'll rock a puffer jacket like a dead set winter jacket with shorts just because i refuse to go back from my waist down yeah um all right my who's back's back is combine numbers.
Crazy combine numbers. So we had Jordan Davis.
Turns out Georgia was a good football team last year. Jordan Davis, 6'6", 341 pounds, running a 4'7", 8'40".
A 4'7", 8'40". Now, he's pretty much a car.
It's crazy. The fastest defensive lineman, 40, was Montez Sweat, who ran a 4-4-1-40 montez sweat is 80 pounds lighter than jordan davis that's so crazy fast for montez but he's 80 pounds lighter jordan davis is basically he's like a baby rhino yeah able able to move that fast it's insane what what they're able to do i remember was it don terry poe that broke five seconds seconds like 10 years ago and everybody freaked the fuck out? This is actually, this is terrifying.
It's terrifying. He's 6'6", 341.
He ran a 4'7", 840. Also, his teammate Trayvon Walker ran a 4'5", 140.
He's 272 pounds. It's like, oh yeah, it turns out Georgia was really really good, really fast, and really strong.
My favorite little drama inside the combine this year is they switched to a new timer.

So in years past, doing the hand times, Charlie Casserly was doing it.

That's such a funny old scout thing to have associated with.

It's like, no, Charlie's the best at a stopwatch.

He's the best stopwatch guy we got.

So they switched out, got a new guy in.

Now all the unofficial times are just all over the map.

It's not even that they're all faster or all slower.

It's just a bad timer.

Who is it? got yeah so they switched out got a new guy in now all the unofficial times are just all over the map it's not even that they're all faster or all slower it's just just a bad timer whoever's running the stopwatch this year probably one and done i love the fact though yeah charlie castle casserly being the stopwatch guy which haven't they figured out how to do it without a stopwatch yeah there's lots of ways that okay but i kind of like having a stopwatch guy but he's 74 years old and he's like, this guy's got the reflexes of a 25 year old. Of a mongoose.
He's ready to go. There's that old bitch.
Yeah, there's Sister Jean. She's got a little balloon.
No offense. I shouldn't call him a nun.
Listen, this is the hate show. I should be calling a nun a bitch.
If you want to do it, you can. Don't bleep it out.
Leave it in. That was hateful.
I'll admit it.

That one was hateful. As a fan of God, I should not be...
As a

man of God, I should not be saying that to Sister Jean.

She's kind of a bitch, though.

She's

similar to Coach K. That is about herself.

That is not the original Sister Jean.

Yeah, it is. That's not.
No, it's not.

She's been replaced. The Dumbledore situation.

Yeah. Well, is she wearing...
Is that a... Avril Lavigne? Is that a Gryffindor scarf that she's wearing? It's pretty similar to Pantons.
Yeah. Yeah.
I've never actually read the books. All right.
My other who's back is those. So sticking on the combine real quick, it's hot in the streets now to have videos of players doing something really nice.
So Malik Willis was the original QB prospect, probably going to be the first QB taken in the draft. He was videotaped.
Now this one I believe because it was videotaped. It was someone who was in a bar and across the street they saw Malik Willis giving some of his clothes to a homeless person.
The one that we saw today was EJ Perry from Brown Brown uh shout out the Schwam he was picking up trash after the combine workout and it was like the the woman who videotaped it was very close to him and she wasn't picking up any trash she was just watching him like they were she was probably like 25 feet away she said every piece of trash yeah got picked up I don't know how much trash that these guys normally produce at the combine. When you're waiting, you're just snacking, just putting away dunkaroos and drinking Allsport or whatever.
But there were all these plastic bottles, all these wrappers. He was picking it all up.
He knew that the camera was on him, and that's fine. But yeah, now if you're going to draft a quarterback that has not been caught on camera doing a good deed, I don't know if I can get behind that.
I feel like it's a group of great athletes, but even better young men. How weird is that, though, to be like, I'm going to basically videotape him with an earshot just so I can go viral, but it's, I don't know.
The Malik Willis one was cool. This one was like a terrible sequel.
The guy that posted the video, the malik willis one was cool so the malik this one was like a terrible sequel the guy that posted the video the malik willis one is a sports marketing person oh now a lot of people and i know billy judging by the look on billy's face billy was about to chime in being like that one was set up because the guy that videotaped is in sports marketing i think it's also very very possible that there was a guy that was videotaping who happens to work in sports marketing that was at the combine because there are a lot of those guys. Yes.
That's like everybody down there is in sports marketing. This was also my who's back, but doing some Pythagorean theorem on Malik Willis' absolute gigantic throw.
So he threw it 60 yards down the field. But if you do the hypotenuse of how actually far you threw in a straight line,

it got out to 73.72

yards.

Compare that to the sick throw that Jack Wilson made

at his pro day last year.

This one's up there.

This one's right. I would say this is

extremely impressive, especially from the

shotgun, being able to throw it that

far. What about his spiral? Is it fuckable?

His spiral is pretty... You know who has a

really sick spiral?

Actually, out of all the guys I was looking at,

Desmond Ritter

has a nice spiral.

Cincinnati guy. He gives me

Justin Herbert type vibes.

Definitely not as strong of an arm.

I think it could be there.

Justin Herbert has a really,

really strong arm.

I mean, fuckable spiral.

Fuckable spiral. So I'm going to back you on that part.
If you see a spiral, you're like, damn, that spiral's sexy. I'm going to check it out too.
I'm going to follow it on Instagram. Are you going to do your quarterback bracket? Yes, I'm working on that.
I actually have a bunch of stuff. Carson Strong also has a great spiral.
Great quarterback name. Not his immobility.
Nevada? Yeah, it doesn't make up with his spiral just enough, but guys like Sam Howell have a good spiral, but I don't think he's got... All right, so I want a quarterback bracket of how you think their careers are going to go, and then I want a quarterback spiral bracket.
Okay, 100%. All right? Perfect.
And then you can bring them together, and that will be how we find out who should get drafted first. All right, what's your who's back, Billy? That was your who's back.
Okay. All right.
Perfect. And then you can bring them together and that will be how we find out who should get drafted

first.

All right.

What's your who's back, Billy?

That was your who's back.

Yeah, that was.

All right.

Jake, your who's back.

Also, what do you got on Jerry Davis?

It looks like he got hit in the face.

So I don't see anything.

Okay.

All right.

But I don't.

I'm a little nervous.

Okay.

I don't know.

But in Visions, his sister, Gene, my other who's back is Magic Johnson on television yes he returns to NBA Countdown so it's Greeny Stephen A Will Bond and Magic and also the new Showtime HBO show what is it called it's Showtime I think Showtime yeah I read the first 20 pages of that book. That's very confusing.
There's a show on HBO called Showtime. Yeah.
Yeah. That's how he's also back.
It's about the Lakers. Magic with some hot takes.
He called out Russell Westbrook about making excuses. So it should be fun to have him for the home stretch of the season.
I love it. I just love Greeny up there because nobody takes anything that he says seriously on that show.
I want one of them to just be, one of them needs to go full troll

and be like advanced numbers say

Russell Westbrook's actually having an incredible season.

The problem is like,

look at the people that are on that panel.

I can't, Will Bond is not,

he's always naturally trollish.

Yeah.

But I don't think that he would ever like stand for,

he would never try to piss anybody off intentionally.

His existence just says that naturally.

Like if they really,

that's what I need though. I need someone to to essentially say, if you look at the advanced stats, the problem with the Lakers are they're actually not getting Russell Westbrook the ball enough.
He needs to take more shots. I just called him Westbrook on the broadcast.
Oh, he did. He really does.
I appreciate watching Russell Westbrook at this point in his career. It's kind of been his whole career, but at least he was better before this year.
He really is just the epitome of, like, if I try hard enough, it will work. Like, if I dribble hard enough, if I run hard enough, if I shoot hard enough, if I pass hard enough, it will work.
If I yell loud enough, yeah. You know, the way that he plays is actually, he should play the way that Ben Simmons plays.
Yeah. He should have, like Ben Simmons and him, if they like switch their confidence levels, I think both players would be better.
Yeah. You're right.
You're absolutely right. We need a Freaky Friday situation.
All right. Let's get to our interview.
Awesome interview. Bert Kreischer.
Before we do that, PFT, you have a quick word from our sponsor. Yes, we have a brand new sponsor alert.
Hank? It's TaylorMade. That was a good one.
Oh, this is a big one, actually. Yeah, Hank's pumped about TaylorMade.
I'll throw on some horns for TaylorMade. I love it.
Old school. You can go to barstoolsports.com slash TaylorMade to check out the TaylorMade and Barstool golf gear.
Hank, you got a club? Did you get a driver? I got a stealth golf you want to come yeah i want to start golfing again so when i text you to come golfing i'm there okay hank are you hitting it long you're hitting it straight yeah i've been using on the simulator it's it's today is the first day i walked outside it was like oh it smells like golf weather i'm excited to get out and use it you know on the on the course yeah you've got this stealth carbon wood driver it's in stores now the future of driver performance begins with a tailor-made carbon twist face comprised of 60 layers of carbon sheets strategically arranged for better energy transfer faster ball speeds across the large area of the face it's a big old face ball speed off the charts after 20 years in the making the limits of titanium have been area of the face. It's a big old face.
Ball speed off the charts.

After 20 years in the making, the limits of titanium have been broken.

Introducing the TaylorMade Stealth Carbon Wood Driver.

Welcome to the Carbon Wood age.

Fill your bag with the entire Stealth family line, fairways, rescues, and irons.

Also available, you can own your own swing by making the club your own.

Introducing the MyStealth Driver. With five options of personalization, you can build a MyStealth driver that fits your game and your eye.
Go to BarstoolSports.com slash TaylorMade. That's BarstoolSports.com slash TaylorMade.
Check out TaylorMade and Barstool Golf Gear today. Here is Burt Kreischer.
Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. You want to clap too? I was about to.
I do it. There's no reason.
We have a sound guy who literally slates it, but I have to clap. It's something about doing it forever.
I have to clap. That laugh, that is Burt Kreischer.
It's great to be here. It's great to have you.
This is an honor. It's just like, you guys are legendary in the whole podcast realm, and so to be here is an honor.
I appreciate that. That's nice to hear.
I would say that you're a legend. I imagine you're a guy whose reputation, even before you were a famous guy, your reputation probably preceded you a lot of places that you went.
Yeah, but not in a good way. In the way, don't invite him over.
We're having kids over. He'll take a shit on a bed and throw up on the wall.
Like, and then, because that was, like, I get a reputation for that because maybe it happened or something. And then all of a sudden you had to live it down and be like, yo, I can also be like Billy Gardell.
You know Billy Gardell from Mike and Molly? Uh-huh, yeah. He was like, one time he was having all our friends over with all their families and he's like, not the Kreisers..
He's like, you can't fucking trust the Chrysler's. I go, Billy, I can also be a fucking grown-up.
For how long? I can be a grown-up for as long as anyone else can be a grown-up. But here's the problem.
I'm going to also ask you not to be a grown-up at a certain point. Right.
And if you want to join in on that, then that's on you. Like, if you do coke at a fucking kid's birthday party, it does not matter that maybe I had it.
You're the one asked for it. Like, I'm the parent that they always go, Sandy said you have a vape pen on you.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, of course. You know what? It's like, you're like a gun because you're good to have around in case you need them.
No, okay, that's not, by the way, that's not where I thought this analogy was going. I'm like a

gun in that if you use me wrong,

it's your fault. Right, no, no.

It's all these things.

Your gun, if you go somewhere,

you might not need a gun, but you'd rather

have the gun and not need it than need it and not

have it. And you gotta lock you up every now and then.

Every now and then, you gotta put me down

for a sabbatical and get me out of

sheep away from people. Yeah, from children.
I'm aware of who I am. When we did the movie, we were just talking about Tetra.
When we did the movie, I was hyper aware of how people perceived me just reading about me or learning about me. Because everyone's like, you can't trust this guy.
He's a fucking wildfire. Because they're thinking that I'm like Farley or Belushi.
Because I'm like, but I'm not. I show up sober.
I work sober. I'm not drunk right now.
I drove here. I'm having coffee.
Great to you. You guys show a high noon up.
I'll drink one. But that's how I work.
It's like I get my shit done. It's not an accident that I'm here.
Right. But people were, you could tell.
Mark Hamill kept his eye on me waiting for it to explode. Yeah.
It's like a balloon. Someone blew up too much.
So wait. So the movie, we don't know when it's coming out yet, but it is with our good friend Jimmy Tatro.
Yep, it's locked. It's called The Machine.
And that is your nickname that you got. Can you tell the story for people who don't know the story? I got involved with the Russian mafia when I was 22, and I'd taken Russian classes.
I didn't learn anything. We went to Russia, the mob ran everything, and they gave us two young gangsters, two band to kind of chaperone us to like shadow us and i'm i planned a sentence i was gonna say that's what i was gonna say but it means hello my name is bird it's very nice to meet you i work posi and when the door opened i i was looking at a fucking gangster and i froze and he just went like what the fuck do you want and i, I meant to say, and for anyone Russian, I meant to say, I'm the man, which is your machine.
But I said, your machine, which means technically I'm a car. And he started laughing.
And he goes, what did you say? And I go, I just said it again. I was like, I'm the machine.
And he brought me in, said, tell them what you said. And I was like, I'm the fucking machine.
And they loved it. They loved it.
And we drank all night night long all i knew how to say in the language was uh i'm the machine and i fucked cats that's it and so so i got the nickname the machine and and uh and then ultimately we ended up robbing a train so well i mean that's yada yada over that part you gotta use your passive voice like the train was robbed yeah the train was robbed and by the way everyone i really think a lot every guy would have robbed that train. So tell us.
Yeah, tell us. I mean, it does sound like you had no choice but to rob that train.
Okay. So I party with this guy that meets me at the door, Igor.
Good guy. And you understand things were a little different in Russia.
We stole a boat. We ran a pool hall scam.
Like, you could just see that things were a little freer. And so we take this overnight train trip to Moscow.
and igor tells me he goes i can't go he's like different mafia runs a train different mafia runs moscow don't worry though i had to set it up they're gonna take care of you and when i got there they looked like two kids on christmas they were like oh i can't wait to play with the machine they're like the machine sits in first class and so i'm like fuck yeah and we're drinking booze conductor comes in, rips off the stars and stripes to his shirt, gives them to me. He's like, it would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with the machine.
I'm like, I'm literally like, fuck it. I'm in the mob.
I'll do whatever the fuck I want. We roll.
We drink all the booze in an hour. Go to the bar cart to get more booze.
And Igor says to me in Russian, he goes, machine, go behind the bar and grab bread. Kleb is bread.
And I understood him. And now I'm in this moment where I go, I'm fucking learning.
Like, this is immersion. I'm learning my way, not through flashcards and textbooks, but by joining the mafia.
This is how you learn the language. I'm behind the bar.
And I'm like, I say to the guy, I know what you're saying. And he's like, go for you, machine.
Can the machine find cheese? And I was like, sir, cheese, I got it.

Give me another one.

He's like, grab vodka.

I was like, art another one.

Give me another one.

He's like, grab the money.

And at that moment, I realized,

Hughley were robbing the bar.

And I realized he's going through people's pockets

and the bartender's frozen like this.

And I'm behind the bar robbing the bar.

And I'm like, motherfucker. And then I took the guy's shit.
We leave. It actually.
I was like, I'm not going to go against the guy. I said, take the money.
I'm like. The way you just explained it, you did have no choice.
You had to rob that bar. We go back to our first class cabin.
Teacher comes back. By the way, did not speak Russian.
English teacher. Your teacher from college.
Chaperone. I didn't know the woman.
She was a chaperone for the trip. She was just a teacher at Florida State.
She swings the door open with that liberal arts confidence. It's like, this shit is fucking over.
She's talking to me and the mafia. You're done, mister.
Get up right now. And Big Igor takes a sip of vodka, spits it in her eyes, and goes,

no one talks to the machine right now.

Shuts the door in her face, and he's like, fuck that bitch.

This is Rasha.

Don't worry, machine.

When it gets dark, we have a good time.

I'm like, what the fuck are we doing when it gets dark?

Reaches into his pocket, pulls out a ring of keys.

He's like, we're rubbing the whole fucking train.

And so he robbed the whole train.

He robbed the whole train, yeah.

Well, here's what's fascinating about the story is I posted this on Facebook like five years ago. That's why it went viral.
I didn't think anyone was going to see it. And what happened is it started going viral.
My wife told me, and I was like, no way. And I had to figure out why it was going viral because I had told it before, and it didn't go viral.
What happened was the way the algorithm worked at the time, when you shared story on your facebook the first comment that would show up under your under your story on your page was the top comment from my page one that most people interacted with the top comment from my page was left by a woman i won't say her name so i don't blow her up but you can find it uh and uh and she said her name i think his name's susan Kristen. I'm not going to.
So you did say her name. Yeah, I didn't want to say her last name.
Poor girl, when he gets hounded. Her comment read, I was in Bert's Russian class.
I was on this trip. This story is 100% true.
He fucking robbed us. And then she tagged everyone in my class.
Oh, God. So if you want to see what igor looks like what i look like she she put they posted pictures of it they posted pictures of the morning of the robbery because we because we robbed the whole class we robbed everyone and then we pulled to moscow fucking wasted wait so you robbed your classmates did you go back to the class after or no that was it i robbed the whole fucking train we robbed my we robbed me my bag was with them I robbed my bag because I was with two guys we robbed the whole fucking train pulling to Moscow I'm fucking top five drunk as I've ever been train stops, sun's up door opens, same teacher's like not mad right, looks at me and goes I want you to know they've alerted the police and I see two cops on the platform talking to my whole class.
They're in their pajamas. They're upset.
They've been robbed. I get it, you know.
Big Igor's completely unfazed. He's like, don't worry.
I speak to police for both of us. Walks out, grabs one of the cops, spins him around and just starts going, fuck you! Fuck! We fuck you in the mouth! We fuck! I'm like, stop with the fucking we shit! Cop waves me over.
I walk over to the cop who cop who by the way is standing in front of the class I just robbed next to the gangster I robbed them with all I'm thinking is this is not how I plan on spending my second junior year in college I get five steps from the cop and he looks impatient as fuck he takes two big steps grabs me by the arm pulls me into his so, I understand you're the machine, huh? Tonight you party with us. I was like, wait, wait.
I go, I'm not in trouble? And he gets so close to me, I can smell his morning cigarette. And he's like, no, fuck that bitch.
This is Russia. So we did not get in trouble.
We definitely had a meeting. We definitely had a meeting by the elevators.
Yeah, yeah, that sucks. But you were the machine.
Well, no. My friend Igor was like, hey, man, I gave them Bert for a reason.
If they had nothing to do, bad shit would have happened. But they partied with Bert.
What's fucking crazy about this story? 100% true. In Moscow, we had to go back to St.
Petersburg. We had the same two gangsters.
And my teachers were like, hey, apparently we need you to party with them like a rodeo clown, like distract them. So we got on the train.
I partied with them. They took pictures of me shitting, which they'd never...
They were so easy to entertain because they had no frame of reference for frat boy humor. Like, this is the lawnmower, huh, guys? Hey! And they're like, this guy's fucking hilarious! I learned how to say fat guy in a little coat,

you know, from fucking Tommy Boy,

and they're dying, like, who the fuck is this guy?

And they're like, he's the machine!

Holy shit.

So have you been back to Russia since then?

I've not been back to Russia.

Are you allowed back?

That's the question, like, could you get through the border?

You know what's so crazy?

I actually thought to myself, you know, sometimes, okay, this is an ego an ego thought so bear with me but do you ever think to yourself like fuck uh does tom brady know who we are hank does yeah yeah hank was thinking that all last week hank tank in his retirement did he really yeah well hank went to jail for him really yes yeah rational thing yeah you said okay like that was like no that makes sense like it you're like oh okay yeah all right Really? Yes. For the play gate.
Yeah, he locked himself. Rational thing.
He put handcuffs on himself.

You said, oh, okay, like that was like.

No, that makes sense.

He said, yeah, for the play gate, and you're like, oh, okay, yeah.

Okay, all right.

Weirder things have happened.

But do you ever go into that thing?

Like, I tweeted at Aaron Rodgers one time.

Just not like, hey, man, I'm in Green Bay doing a show.

If you want to get dinner, it's going to have to be early.

You know, just like fucking around.

And then he DMs me.

He's like, yo, are you fucking with me, bro?

And then I'm like, wait, Aaron Rodgers knows who I am? and then you're like hold on like when did that happen i was thinking to myself right so biden fucking hates joe rogan yeah i mean they're they're really the press secretary is like we got to get rid of joe rogan which is crazy one of my best friends i've been on his podcast 30 times. Well, no.
26 now, right? Because you got four deleted? I got four deleted. Thank God, I'm sure.
Take those. Fucking take them all down.
So, but then you think, I wonder if Putin is like, you know he knows Rogan because he loves MMA. Right.
I wonder if at any point someone said to Putin you gotta hear this machine story. It's pretty fucking good.
Yeah I think the fact that it's been around and it's gone reviral like three or four times. Yeah yeah.
Where there's different waves. 85 million views.
The movie too would I feel like when the movie comes out I would say Putin would know know. Yeah, and then he's always shirtless, right?

I'm always shirtless.

It's like, at one point, I'm wondering if I'll get the call like,

hey, someone wants to have drinks at you.

I would love that.

See, that's the problem.

I want to party with Kim Jong-un, Putin, all the people people hate.

I think I'd get along well with.

Yeah, definitely Putin.

I love to party with Putin. Putin's probably got access to drugs that you don't even know about.
Oh, he's not. The drugs that don't exist over there.
You have to play hockey with him, though. I'd fucking play hockey with him.
Let him score. Would you let him score? It's the best.
When he gets... I would be the quickest Patsy he's ever.
When he plays... You want to talk about a yes man? Yes.
Fucking... I'm a dog kid.
I'm a dog. Dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog.
I remember one time one of the guys uh in the mob was like have you ever gotten a blowjob with machine gun out window just right when you come it's so good like that's the kind of shit i want to be around i love that oh man i have a weird thing for that that danger i'm oblivious american like we spent the night in a favela in brazil one night and i got lost in a favela like just started walking around favelas are notoriously the most dangerous places you could ever be in brazil yeah and they took us up on motorcycles and the kids with the motorcycles left took a foot we were a trip flip a travel channel i just got lost and i had the coolest fucking time so why like what is it. Like, I think there's, I don't know, I don't know what it is, but there's clearly something that you have that like people would welcome you in and it's like not, you know, you're not a danger.
It's like, oh, this guy wants to party. I think I'm, I don't know.
I don't know. I'm like a drunk Forrest Gump.
Like I love, I love, I love, I have impulse control problems very badly.

So, like, if someone says,

let's do something,

I'm the first one

that's like,

I'm definitely in.

Like, and I do it before

I think it through.

Right.

So sometimes I've said I'm in

and then I sit back and go,

shit, that doesn't,

we don't leave for another week

and a half

and I think I might have fucked up.

Like, I don't want to go.

But then I go also,

like, I jumped out of a plane

totally afraid of heights. First person to jump off stratosphere, that was just just someone going do you want to do it I was like yes for tv yes it'll be badass and then the day I'm getting there I'm throwing up and I'm having dry heaves in a fucking bathtub I'm literally having panic attacks I'm calling travel channel saying I picked the wrong show I need to get off this show so like I have impulse control problems and I don't and I think I'm a fun guy to party with.
Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of it has to do with the laugh, too. If somebody has a good laugh, then immediately, like, they're trustworthy, you know? And, like, your whole face – like, your eyes laugh, too.
Yeah, the laugh, the face. Yeah, so when you do that face that you're doing right now – I love laughing, dude.
If I'm a gangster and I see that face, like, I can't kill you. You're too cute.
You're adorable. Dude, when we first did a show in mexico for trip flip uh this is like this is a long time ago uh we had fixers right and uh like our fixers one of our fixers brought me over and they're like these guys want to meet you so they were like fucking scary dudes and this really expensive sushi restaurant and he's like uh they wanted you to tell the machine story and i was like i don't know spanish that well like i know it but i can't do it in spanish and then he said that to him and he goes it doesn't matter i'll translate go and i was like i don't think these are the guys you say no to and they just kept bringing over tequila and we're shooting tequila and i was like uh uh cuando yo soy venti dos años like it was fucking but like i i also i'm super accommodating i want sure.
I think that's why I got into comedy. I want to make sure everyone has the best time possible when they're around me.
I want everyone to like me. So, like, all those weird things mixed into one.
And I like drinking. And I'm from Florida.
So, like, all those things combined get one fucked up person. And I didn't realize that Van Wilder was written after you.
Why aren't you suing them so for i think most people have seen the movie but you haven't how many years did you end up going to college for six i went to scott i went to college for six and a half years and then uh and then rolling stone magazine wrote an article about me calling me the number one party animal in the country and it changed my life i mean oliver stone's company optioned the rights to my life i i mean i was like i got asked to be on oprah like i mean it was a ton a big ton of shit and then one uh i moved to new york started stand-up and within six months will smith discovered me so the option is still going on over to oliver stone's company will smith discovers me we start developing a script sold it to fox um and and then the then the option from Oliver Stone kind of went away because my agents were like,

hey, he needs to play this guy.

Right.

Will Smith's backing him in a sitcom.

We want him attached.

And they're like, that's not how this works.

Right.

And so the option died.

And this is all, by the way, allegedly, because we never sued, obviously.

Thank God.

But apparently the option ran out. One of the guys who wrote one of the scripts for the option turned around, sold it to National Lampoon, and they changed my name, kept my friends' names in it, oddly, and then it became Van Wilder.
That's obviously what I've heard from the people that worked at National Lampoon and I've talked to the people that produced the movie. Well, and if you read the Rolling Stones article, the writer follows you around at Florida State as a, whatever, six-year senior, and you're living that life.
Yeah, it's weird because when we, because I submitted a script when they did the option, it was called The Undergraduates, about four dudes, and they're like, no, it's got to be about a journalist, because the journalist had sold his life, sold the rights to the article. Right and they're like no it's got to be about a journalist because the journalist had sold his life sold the rights to the article right they're like it's got to be about a journalist and a party animal and i've never seen that uh van wilder but i guess that's what the movie's about it is never seen it no there was never like a small party that was like i'm holding i want to go see the movie that's based on my life i'm holding out ryan reynolds i'll watch it with ryan reynolds oh yeah Yeah, and I did a sitcom deal, a tentative sitcom deal with his company.
I think they're called Dark Horse or something. And they're like, you've never seen the movie? And I was like, nah.
And I was like, but I'll watch it with him. Because I don't want to, like, it's like, when I was young, I was like, I want to be bigger than that movie.
Like, I don't want that movie to be who people think i am right and i think i've gotten bigger definitely movie definitely bigger than movie and so now it's like it's a nice it's like a nice subplot in my story yeah it's a very funny like oh shit i never really kind of made that full that's thank god i didn't sue we were on venice lawyers agents managers everyone on the phone the day the movie drops and they're like they're like we're gonna sue we're gonna sue we're going and and i had one manager one manager who said there's two people in this business papa people who work and people who sue pick which one you want to be and i chose not to sue and if i had sued i'd be that kid for the rest yeah you would because you, you would. Because you would have gotten a settlement and everyone would have been like, oh shit, you're the Van Wilder guy.
And then I would have been the guy, I would have gone to bars, I would have done what the Road Rules kids did, and partied at bars. Whoa, let's not.
Partied with the original Van Wilder. Okay, let's not.
No, it does become a party. Those guys are fucking, like CT, Johnny Bananas, those guys are legends.
Don't get me started. CT is a legit fucking legend.
Yes, he is. CT is a legit yes the best hair in the goddamn business movie star good looks fucking reality show personality i had a when i saw him in paris don't get me started on these guys when i saw him in paris i was like fucking ct is the man he is and he just carried himself dude i support i don't even follow pro wrestling.
But the fact that The Miz went from fucking real world Chicago to professional wrestler, that I am so impressed with. And said he was going to do it.
Like, remember when he's on real world? He's like, I want to be a wrestler. It was like, what? Cold shot.
I'm in a car with my best friend one day. And I said, are you dating anyone? He said, I think I'm in love.
And I said, really? What's her name? And he said Christina Pajitsky and I went hold on you're dating Christina from fucking Road Rules? And he was like you know her? And I was like I need to meet her. I mean I bring that up to her.
That's Tom's wife. That's his wife.
I'm still bringing it up every time I see her. I was the biggest fucking fan of those shows.
Me too. What did you think about west doing when he had his steroid year that was one of the funniest subplots of all time that they had the challenge the challenge been going on for like 15 years and west just showed up no one has been more barry bonds in his prime wasn't as roided up as west was that year and then he just went right back down to like he like lost all the weight was like all right i done doing scenario.
Wes was such an interesting fucking character because he was so white, like so bright white. Yeah.
That he always stood off to the side. Like he always, anytime anyone touched him in anything physical, he'd get these red hand marks all over him.
Dude, I am obsessed with that shit. Like I, I mean, as a grown man, I had two children and I would be sitting watching the challenge in my living room and my wife's like are you fucking kidding me?

It's the best.

For whatever reason

it is the fucking best

and if I run into those kids now

they're adults are my age.

Yeah.

I lose my shit.

I saw Puck.

Puck came to one of my shows

and I was like

I was like

what the fuck?

That's a way

way throwback.

They discovered

what the secret formula was

which is just get kids

that are like 20 years old

21 years old

put them in a house don't let them watch TV take all the TVs out and then just give them all the booze they want. Yeah.
And you have the makings of it. You have everything you need inside that house.
I did a pilot with Boone and Murray one time. Me, Theo Vaughn, and Brett Ernst.
The funniest pilot that's ever not been shown to anyone. So politically incorrect.
I mean, when you're talking, you're talking give – we started a fraternity. us three comedians started a fraternity in the hills we just put it on Craigslist and we got a who's who's list of people with mental problems and we had one guy with PTSD sounds like Barstool Sports Headquarters it was I tried to buy it back from Bonamari because it's that fucking funny at one point we were like me and Theo and Bren, we should get, we should throw a party but how are we going to get girls? And Theo's like, why don't we just hire porn stars? What's their day rate? And we're like, it was like 800 bucks a day and he's like, yeah, let's just get like 20 porn stars and we're like, oh cool.
Next thing you know, fucking chicks are naked, sound guy's like, hey, I think he's getting his dick sucked in the bathroom. And we're like, fuck.
The producers came out. I am naked in a pool with porn stars.
And he's like, we can't use any of this. We're having a fucking blast.
This dude came up to me. He's like, I think I cheated on my fucking fiance, man.
And we're like, no, they filmed it. Are you going to film me cheating on my fiance? I let her suck my dick.
It was the greatest. We did powder puff football one day with girls dressed in pads.
And the whole thing was that they were going to be better than us because we didn't have pads. And Brett Ernst gave the best fucking win one for the Gipper speech about lighting these bitches up.
I want to see dead whores everywhere. And we fucking clothesline these women I mean it looked

like if you let OJ Simpson do what he

really wanted to do it was next

fuck the greatest pilot you'll

never fuck yeah what happened to it

I have no fucking idea I drank the

entire fucking time I didn't

we stole a goat

and we had planned

we had planned to steal a goat

from a bar like we you know set it

up I'm like yeah we're gonna steal a goat we got

the address wrong and we really broke into someone's

Thank you. And we had planned to steal a goat from a...
We had set it up. We're like, yeah, we're going to steal a goat.
We got the address wrong, and we really broke into someone's house and stole their fucking goat. And all of a sudden, we got up to someone else, and then we had this fucking goat in the middle of Beverly Hills at this house, just shitting and pissing everywhere.
You're saying you stole the wrong goat? We stole the wrong goat. We broke into someone's fucking house.
How did you know it was the wrong goat, though? Because they came up with the goat. They're like, you never got the goat.
We and he's like we have two goats and they're like wait where did you stop we're like sand canyon and they're like no no no no no sand canyon street and we're like fuck it's funny like you you essentially just created fantasy camp like adult fantasy camp for yourself one guy had the fact that it was a show was like irrelevant you were just having a good time it It was the greatest. A lot of those guys are dead.
It was... Yeah, yeah.
Because a lot of them had some problems. How long ago was this? I don't know.
I'll tell you right now. Barstool's got the money.
If you can fucking buy that... I couldn't get it.
They were like, I'm not going to sell it to you. Boon and Murray, it will get all of us canceled.
I mean, all of us will be canceled immediately. I I'm gonna have to not be in my house for a while it'll be it was sketchy I think that might be what it takes to stop people from coming after you just release the worst possible shit that you already have on yourself you think my appearances on Rogan were bad? watch this you know Tom and I one time when we started that fucking podcast, we didn't think it would turn into this.
We were like, let's say the most out of context, cancelable things we could think of. And so we went back and forth in out of context saying the most horrific statements.
Never thinking it would bite us in the ass. I remember Tom the other day was like, should we get rid of that episode? The things we did.
I mean, Tom and I, we do these live shows. We went into a dominatrix's house, and we were just going to – I don't think Tom knew what they did, and I did.
So they're like, hey, put on this thong. So I throw on a thong, and then they're like, Tom, put one on.
And he's like, no. And then Tom ends up in his underwear, and then she's like, all right, quick.
I'm going to tether your cocks together with with electrodes and I'm going to shock your cocks and see who can put up with the most pain and who taps out first and Tom she leaves the room Tom and our dicks are tethered together with electrodes and he looks at me dead seriously in the eyes he's like is this a good idea and I remember going I don't you're the one that's supposed to stop the bad ideas and he was like but our dicks are already tethered together and she's like you boys ready, you boys ready? And we're like, I guess so. We get done.
The woman looks us dead in the eyes. She goes, so you guys want to come now? And we're like, Tom's like, I think we're in over our head.
We have done, I mean, I don't know. I'm like, look, here's the deal.
This is what I subscribe by. You either get that everything I'm doing is meant to entertain you.
Right. And make you have a good time and let you forget about fucking covid or the fucking shit job that you're dealing with at the time of being or a fuck face boss or a fucking cunt wife whatever the fuck or asshole husband whatever the fuck that's my only goal is to entertain you for that time being i'm gonna get back to burt in a second but before we do i want to talk to you about lifelock it's tax.
Tax season can be taxing on your identity because all your personal information is in one place, getting emailed, shared, possibly exposed to identity thieves. Protection against identity theft is easier with LifeLock by Norton.
LifeLock by Norton helps monitor your info. It alerts you to potential identity threats.
If you do become a victim, a dedicated U.S.-based restoration specialist will work to fix it during tax season and beyond. No one can prevent all identity theft or monitor all transactions at all businesses, but you can make sure that your identity theft protection starts here.
Join LifeLock today. Save up to 25% off your first year by going to lifelock.com slash PMT.
That's lifelock.com slash PMT. Get 25% off.
Here is more Burt Kreischer. Well, and the thing that I struggle with when I see all this stuff, because I mean, I completely agree with you and you know, Barstool, we've been online for a very long time.
So I'm definitely not someone to throw stones with any of this shit. But I, the thing I hate is when people bring up old shit and it's it's completely different time and it's like but at the time it was not hurting anyone and now we're trying to hurt people like you weren't listening you're not a fan of this you don't not a fan you're just pulling things out of context right and and quite honestly a lot of them look like hit pieces right they do to me and and i'm some scent on the outside but you know like i mean you look at like you go back to the aziz thing aziz that kind of looked like a hit piece yeah you know and it granted he got fucked on that one like no it was at the height of the me too stuff which a lot of good stuff i think came out of that like a lot of powerful by the way a ton a ton of good stuff came out of that and a ton of of it for just regular guys like us who are like, I mean, like you see a woman walk into the office and she looks beautiful.
And maybe in 2010 you would have been like, God damn, you look great today. Now you just go, hey man, I'm not going to say a fucking word.
Like, right? Like, just those little microaggressions. On a bigger level, so many fucking pigs in Hollywood were stopped from being fucking pigs.
And there were a lot of fucking pigs. But sometimes you're like, I don't know, I guess you got to burn the fence down to burn the house.
I don't fucking know. It's a weird time.
His thing was like, he had an awkward hookup one time. And then they wrote an article about that.
And I think, for me, that was like, I recognized it at the time. I think a lot of people didn't, though.
And they threw the lump of like, oh he's basically Harvey Weinstein. It's like no, he just tried to fuck one night.
And they didn't get along and that's the end of the story. But yeah.
Again, I think that with Rogan it's like once you reach a certain point, once you have a big enough following then people are like well they need to stop listening to this guy. They didn't care when it no they didn't and but by the way it's it's crazy to me because i you know i i i will say i've said it out loud i'll say it a million times joe rogan's one of my best friends i absolutely adore that guy i know him to be a lot of things a racist is not what he is that i can promise you that he's a lot of things trust me i don't i the guy's fucking flawed like all of us yeah he's a fuck that's that's, I think, the point that everyone misses.
Show me a perfect human. It doesn't exist.
It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist.
It doesn't exist. And I'm telling you, man, there's so many good things.
And I don't even want to say the good things because it sounds like – Why weren't you saying them two weeks ago, Bert? Right. It's like I just – And when I posted a picture of me and him on Instagram, I had a lot of friends come at me being like, you stand with Joe Rogan? And I go, I don't leave my friends.
Like, I'm loyal to my, I got a small group of friends. I'm a ride or die for a fucking small group of people.
And that's my group. And I stand by my friends.
And I'm going to say this, and this is all that needs to be said. So my dad is very, very liberal.
and he's not, I i mean he thinks joe's an interesting guy but he's not a fan of what joe's said about the covid and my dad's got a few things to say about joe i post a picture on instagram of me and joe uh of me and joe just together and i say i'm very lucky to call joe rogan my friend my dad texts me immediately and i'm like fuck he's gonna be like take that down whatever my dad says um i'm very proud of the son i raised that you would be loyal to a friend in a moment like this and i was like that's all you want yeah fuck all those negative comments yeah if your dad texts you who by the way does not he said i don't like the word joe said i don't like how many times he said it i don't like the statement he said also. I think his statement in apology was heartfelt.
That's what my dad said. And he's like, but I'm proud I raised a son who stands by his friends.
That's all the fuck you want. That's huge.
The only comment you want is your parents. You're not co-signing what he said.
You're saying, this is my friend. Right.
And I love my friend. And I'm going to be there for him.
And trust me. And you're right.
It's like saying everybody's fucked up. Everybody has skeletons in their closet.
Everybody's got, no one's perfect. The people that are acting like they're the most perfect people in the world, they're the ones that are scared that they've got something to hide.
Yeah. And I think a lot of times they just project that and they go on little hunts to try to make other people feel as bad as they do about themselves.
And I also, I mean, we don't want to have to make rogan and cancellation but i just i i can't like for the life of me understand why saying like you gotta go away now forever is like uh how does that make people evolve how does that get people to like you like having people evolve is to be like oh you know what this is like maybe i shouldn't say this this is not good this is not you know like in moving forward and getting better and finding different ways to do it i always think that's way better and like you saying being a good friend like if you ditch on your friends how does that make joe rogan a better person it doesn't my daughter got caught smoking weed i probably shouldn't talk about this but i won't really give a fuck she's seven no i'm kidding everyone that's a joke just so we're I'm kidding. Everyone, that's a joke.

Just so we're clear that if you're listening, that's a joke.

She's four.

So my wife caught her, right?

And this is how I look at all this.

I lost my shit.

16 at the time.

I lost my shit.

I didn't handle it well.

I flew off the handle.

And at the time, I thought that. Because she didn't share with you? was drink by honestly it was drink covid when we're supposed to be socially distant and passing a joint around is not how you keep covid out of our fucking house that's how i felt was it because it was bad weed no by the way it was probably out of my stash so it was amazing and there's a lot i need to tell you about weed you don't start with the shit in the humidor from fucking the blunt house people right so so I lost my shit I lost my shit I thought it was warranted she broke the rules that's what a dad does in raising her since that point I realized I fucked up because what I did is I created a I created a paradigm within which she was not allowed to grow and learn because she was going to fuck up again.
But now she was so scared of watching me fly off the handle or getting me upset that I taught her the new thing is to lie. Right.
And it's taken me a year and a half to get to a place where now we're establishing an honesty where I go, hey, you're going to fuck up. You're still fucking up.
But understand I'm not going to lose my shit. I want to help you learn the right way to fucking evolve.
You're going to college next year, and I want you to understand about drugs and alcohol, what they are and what boys are. And so it took me a while to understand I went about things the wrong way.
So I think, and by the way, it's just about learning.

Yes.

It's like if you said, all right, Bert, that's how you are forever,

is you're the dad that gets upset on vacation in Arizona at a fucking truck stop

and unloads the shit wrong out of the fucking RV,

and now you're screaming, you got shit all over your hands,

and you're raising your voice at your daughter.

That's not who the fuck I am forever.

That's who I was then, and now as a father, I'm the dad that's like,

hey, I'm really proud you didn't drink and drive,

and you called us and told us you were drunk.

I'm proud of that. And that's where we should start this conversation.
It's like I got to evolve as a dad. Everyone should evolve.
Yeah, that's my biggest thing is like there's no actual end goal. It's just like let's get rid of this person.
This person should be cancelled. Get rid of them.
And that's it. It's like, what are we doing here? We're all flawed humans, and we're all just trying to make through this shithole and figure it out.
It's a really interesting point that you bring up, though, about how people that lie a lot, they lie because of the reaction that they were getting when they would get in trouble. It's like almost a defense mechanism, right? We've got to use that with Billy.
We've got to fix that. Yeah, we've got to fix that with Billy.
We've got a guy who just lies to us for sport.

How can we?

Like, everything.

No, he even lies about, like, lying to us.

There's lies that are three lies deep.

There's this guy in the room right now.

He's probably, I don't know what he's doing.

He told us that he didn't sleep in yesterday.

He had woken up and he fell back asleep.

So he technically didn't sleep in.

He woke up at 8.30 and then he went back to sleep and slept till 11. he missed something at 10 he's like well i didn't actually sleep in i was up and then i went back to sleep they were like no no no i like crafting the truth to make it fit your narrative no i was up i was gonna work out like i made coffee but i fell back asleep and next thing you know yeah it's 2 30 he just wasn't awake when he should have been that's all i have selective memory like if you ask me how much i drank i will always go i had a couple drinks yeah and then like we did it when we started sober october rogan was like how many drinks do you normally drink and i said nine because that's the truth if maybe i'll have like nine drinks in a night sagura starts losing his fucking mind because he knows they're doubles and he's like you're not telling the truth no no nine drinks joe they're doubles and it was like 18 fucking drinks and i was like oh when you make it say it like that it sounds bad yeah it's like i'll drink a bottle of wine at night yeah i'm gonna open a second one but i don't finish that one so i don't count it.
Yeah, that doesn't count. That's absolutely right.
When a doctor asks you how many beers do you have on a typical night out, they have to teach them divide that by four, right? Yes, there's no way. My cardiologist was like, how much do you drink? I was like, hey man, just get my liver enzymes and let's start there, okay? What the fuck am I going to tell you? I can lie to you or we can fucking...
Everyone lies to their doctor which is the funniest like idea ever because like they're there to help you yeah and you're like no i don't drink i don't smoke i don't do anything it's like no no nicotine nothing best one the best one the best one i uh long time ago not current long long time ago i applied for uh uh some insurance on on a movie or TV show.

It was a TV show.

And the guy calls, and he's like, hey, I'm going to do the over-the-phone conversation.

And he's like, so, do you do drink?

And he goes, I just want to let you know I'm recording right now.

I said, great.

He goes, do you drink?

I said, seldomly.

He said, it's for travel dealing.

He goes, seldomly?

He goes, really?

How many drinks a week do you think you have? I said, I don't know. Maybe I'll have two.
I'm not really sure, two. He's like, do you do drugs? I said, no, I don't, no drugs.
And he goes, okay. He goes, do you do any dangerous activities? And I was like, nope.
Mind you, I was swimming with great white sharks out of the cage, skydiving, base jumping. I was doing all of it.
So we do this whole fucking 30-minute whole fucking 30 minute interview and he goes awesome he goes I want you to know that I'm done recording I said great and he goes and he starts laughing and staring at me I've been holding this in I know exactly who you fucking are and I just had to do this whole interview he was like I was biting my fucking tongue he was like what did you say two drinks two drinks are you fucking drinks? Are you fucking kidding me? And I was like, are we good though? He was like, oh yeah, you're getting insurance for the time. I was like, oh fuck.
That's amazing. Is that or you could just like, when you're doing those interviews, just everyone will think that you're a massive phony.
They'll go back and be like, yo, he actually doesn't do any of the shit that he says that he does on the air. It's just a character.
That was a big thing in stand-up is that you'd see guys that would take fake shots on stage.

Really?

And I was not that guy.

That's sad.

That's fucked up.

Well, some guys do it because they're like, I want to, you know.

I never did it because I was like, I couldn't imagine.

Like, either take the shot or don't.

Right.

I remember one time I fell off the stage.

I was so drunk I fell off the stage. That's happened a couple times to me.
But in D.C. So I fall off stage in D.C.
And I come back the next time in D.C. And I'm walking past the ticket booth.
And this girl's like, I was here last time and he fell off the stage. He was so drunk.
Is that going to happen again tonight? And I was like, oh, my God. That's what I'm going to be known as is the comic that's so – So go i'm in the green room i'm going to come to jesus moment i go no booze tonight no booze no shots they send a shot i tell the waitress no shots no shots get on stage and there's already shots getting sent at the stage i go i'm good guys i'm good i'm not i'm gonna get through some material and then you know we'll talk now there's like fucking 10 shots on the stage and i go okay listen i'm gonna be fucking really honest okay i was walking through the line and I heard a woman say he was so drunk he fell off stage last time is that gonna happen again and guys that will never happen again and the woman goes I was the one that said it and I'm the one sending the fucking shots fall the fuck off stage that guy I'm like all right we're done I got so drunk one time I didn't tell the machine story and I gave out Segura's phone number.
And a guy, there's a guy, I mean, there's like when you have no filter, there was a guy that stood up and he goes, in the front row, stands up in Tampa, he goes, I have stage four bone cancer in the middle of the show. And I said, well, fuck.
I said, well, let me buy you a drink. And he goes, okay, rum and diet Coke.
I go the fucking regular coke and the guy's like falls cracks his head open I mean we've had I've had some fucking but when I did clubs man the more chaotic the more I enjoyed it I remember one time and this is back when you couldn't get in trouble like no one has video this so me just recounting is just whatever. I remember one time we had two gangbangers in our front row, and they made the dude sweat his comb over down.
Like, you know when bald people's hair get wet and you can see through it? And the woman, Lisa Correo, did not cry. I said she cried in the past.
She did not cry, but she will admit she was extremely flustered. And I said to the manager, I said, Hey man, there's a set of gangbangers in the front row.
Do you want to get them to leave? He's like, they have weapons. I'm not going to say anything.
We were in Miami. I was like, fuck.
So I just did material to fuck with them. Right.
It's very easy. You have a joke.
You just ask, I ask you the question. When you go down on a wife, on your wife, what do you do? And then you tell me your answer.
And then I tell you my joke. Right.
So it's a little trick that you can do as a comic. I do that for like 35 minutes, and then I turn to the side of the stage thinking, I haven't told a real joke yet.
So I turn to tell a real joke, and I see a flash of black, and it's the one dude. His name's Ray, and he's up on stage.
He's like, there's a real motherfucker right here. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to get hit.
Or like, something's going on. And he's like, yeah, there's a real motherfucker in the 305.
That's right. You know what real motherfuckers get? And he drops his pants and shows his dick.
And everyone's like, what the fuck? And he looks at me and goes, show your shit, son. And I'm like, I'm definitely not pulling mine out after that came out.
Mine looks like the pig from Charlotte's Web. Like, this looks like something you can whip out at a party.
I have something you can show a nurse. And I was like, no.
And I go, actually, Ray, I'm pretty certain that they're calling the cops right now. You might want to leave.
And he's like, good looking out. Gets off stage, right? His friend, a little more light skin of a dude, a little more attractive dreadlocks, tattoo on his cheek, stands up slowly.
I go, oh, my God. How do you follow that? I think with another cock.
he comes up on stage and he goes you funny man you're a funny motherfucker you're a real motherfucker drops his pants down also shows an equally big less dark cock and he goes show your shit son and i'm like i'm definitely not showing it after you two and i go and as a matter of fact i am certain they've the cops by now. You may want to catch up with Ray and see if you can get a ride.

He goes, good looking out, son.

I look into the audience.

I swear to God on my children.

They are sitting with a hairless albino.

And I said, it's so funny.

Out of all the cocks tonight that I've seen, sir, yours is the only one I'd pay to see.

He slowly stands up.

The room starts going crazy.

Like, gets on stage, drops its pants.

It is huge and hairless.

It looks like a White House in the fog.

Place goes nuts.

Drop the mic.

I go, that's my show.

After 35 minutes, I get off stage, party with them all night long.

It was the fucking.

Holy fuck.

That was when comedy was fucking dangerous and fun.

Now, I mean, it's still dangerous.

It's still fun.

It's just words.

But the back in the day, man.

That's incredible. Fucking, you go to the Miami Improv, people getami improv people get stabbed at your shows that's just a crazy fucking story wait what's it you said earlier like this is the top five drunkest i've been what's the drunkest you've been good question thank you probably doesn't remember it he's going through it's like computer searching files accurate because there's been some ones like uh like there's been there's been some ones that don't count where you're like we're like we're like like i got drunk in austin but that was because we were drinking all day and then i thought we were in uh san diego and i believed we were in san diego because i've been doing this deprivation it was a long story but uh the top five drunk as i've been probably uh sadly are the last couple episodes of rogan because and which is really scary like the last episode last time i did rogan i was so drunk i don't remember i don't remember what we said for the last two and a half hours i have no recollection but but it's it's off to me because i still don't see, like, bigger than CNN.
I still just see Joe. You're right.
He's a friend to you. To me, the people that understand the show, and I'm not, like, a massive fan of Joe.
I've listened to him every now and again. I think he's immensely talented at everything that he does.
But he's just, like, a person that has a show. Yeah.
And he happens to have the biggest audience in the world that he's built over time. It's not like there's no way for somebody to like grow that audience and be like, now I have to have all the responsibility in the world.
Because then the show changes. Nobody listens.
He's just himself. Yeah.
And if you don't like it, you don't like it. And that's fair too.
And that's what catches me off guard. It's like we did the show.
We got high. We got drunk.
We did, I think, five and a half hours. And I really honestly don't think anything.
Also, I know my heart. And I know I don't have any hatred in my heart.
So I'm not going to get caught up saying something mean-spirited. I don't really fucking follow politics at all.
So I don't know. If he brings something up, it's probably me just listening and nodding.
I mostly talk about comedy. That's all I ever want to talk about.
Or make people laugh or tell a story. So everything's kind of insular.
But I got home that next morning. And I mean, I got fucking wasted.
I ended up in Austin on stage. I did stand up.
And then these Navy SEALs put me in a car. And they took me back to Segura's house.
And then broke into his neighbor's house to get me to his house. And put me and then woke me up.
And like, and I don't remember any of it. I got on a plane and I was like, and I was like, you know, I said to my wife, I was like, I didn't drink at all on the plane.
She was like, you smell like booze. Like, I think you're still drunk.
And I was like, I think I am too. Like I didn't need to drink on the flight.
And, uh, and then we got, I was, and she was like, how was Rogan? And I was like, oh, it was fun. I was like, I don't know.
like i don't same same i don't remember much of it and then someone was like dude what did you say and i was like why they're like they took the episode down and i went and your heart sinks right and i by the way i could not recollect anything i said i not one thing not one not one i don't remember any like people started texting me going hey thanks for the kind words and i was like cool i guess when i get drunk i'm sweet i i was like i i just like a lot of people so i was just I hey, thanks for the kind words. And I was like, cool.
I guess when I get drunk, I'm sweet.

I was like, I just like a lot of people.

So I must have said nice things about everyone, but I don't fucking know.

And I was like, maybe I said that COVID was created in the lab.

I don't know.

I can see what's coming out of my mouth.

So they took it down, and then they put it back up, but sliced it in two episodes.

And I was like, I'm certain there's something missing out of the middle. In in a weird way what they're doing is making people want to listen more now yeah i guess episodes down now i'm like i want to know what's on those fucking episodes listen here's the thing i mean not to harp on on my buddy but like i listen to it all the time right i listen to i love the podcast there's some i don't listen to yeah like there's some i just go it's every podcast yeah that's not my thing like i listen when it's my thing is on like what you guys had a fucking uh taylor heineke on right yeah and i'm interested in his views on the change of the name to the commanders because i personally like the washington football team i thought that was a cool old school way to do it yeah but then and then he gets in and he was like you talk shit about me one time like that i listen to that right? Then there's other ones.
Trust me, you guys get Trevor Bauer on,

I'll listen to that fucking episode.

I'll listen to that episode.

Because I'm interested in what,

I followed that through the news thread,

but if you get fucking,

if you had,

I'd listen to Johnny Hecker,

that would be an episode I'd listen to.

But there's certain athletes I'm not,

I'm not, I'm not.

Right, right, right.

That's everyone, right.

You can't like every sport.

Are you going to the game? No. I know we're going to probably air this after, but you have the Rams hat on.
Yeah. Full-blown Rams.
No, no, no. So I'm a Bucs fan because I grew up in Tampa.
I'm a Bucs fan, diehard. But I live in L.A.
My kids are Rams fans. My wife's a Rams fan.
We have Rams season tickets. So we are a Rams family.
Right. Because that's our team.
But, you deep down aside i've been a bucks fan since like when you could sit shirtless watching the game in the old sombrero and spit tobacco on the floor so like i mean i remember awesome dude those were the that was like oh if my dad my dad went to church and i didn't go to church he'd just name one buck that he that he just go yeah it's it's crazy. Doug Williams showed up to church today.
I was like, what the fuck? He's like, yeah, that's why you never know, man. You got to go to church.
He's like, can you believe that? Jimmy Giles came to church. I was like, shut the fuck up.
Him and Leroy Selman did what? Are you serious? Dewey was there. And are you still like diehard Seminole? I mean, it sucks.
That's a school. I love i love love love college football and i would put florida state in the camp of like that's a team i want to be good because it's just more fun so so very complicated when the rolling stone magazine came out article came out um the they the school disowned me and they did and they tried to fuck me they tried to get me not to graduate from florida state the president at the time not a great guy not not a fan what's interesting is his daughter had been in playboy so you'd think he would empathize right with a kid getting caught up by some national magazine did not uh and they tried to get me to disavow me and and get rid of me and they failed me i I walked, but I walked.
I mean, tell me if this isn't some underhanded shit. I walked behind Warwick Dunn.
So they named, and ladies and gentlemen, Warwick Dunn. The place goes fucking nuts, and the guy's like, Bert Kreischer.
And so I'm in the shadow of Warwick Dunn. Doesn't matter.
I fucking walked, right? And I sat next to Warwick Dunn the entire time. Yeah.
In the whole fucking graduation. So I had this complicated past with Florida State where I was a diehard Seminole fan because I'd never sensed a civic pride.
I grew up in Tampa. We didn't have that.
Like, if you grew up in Boston, you were like, fucking Red Sox, bro. You know? New York, you're like, where in New York? Bronx? Okay, okay.
You know? And so I never had a civic pride. The first time I went to a Florida State game and saw them throw the spear in the Seminole head and it was on on fire i started crying i mean it was like the greatest it was like i'm now a part of a community yeah anyone who anyone who grows up in a town like orlando or tampa understands that when you go to a school like fucking university of oregon uh fucking boulder you know one of these places nebraska that you get a sense of community so it was very complicated complicated to me.
I never went back to a game.

I felt like a failure.

I go back to do the Civic Center, this tour.

I did the Civic Center.

And I didn't even realize I was doing the Civic Center.

It's an arena.

It's 10,000 seats.

And I sold it out.

And I get there.

And I wake up that morning hungover.

And they have these huge signs.

Welcome home.

I'm going to cry telling you this. Do it.
They have these huge signs. Welcome home, birdie boy.
Ooh. I mean, to be, to be, feel persona non grata at a school for 20 some odd years and then to have them welcome you back and be like, welcome home, birdie boy.
And then I walked through the campus and kids knew I was there and they'd open their windows they're like i'm just walking them on instagram stories and they're like welcome on birdie boy and i was like fucking i mean the cops the cops came up to me kids were getting in their car and finding me and then i get right before the game right before the uh the uh the show and they come up the administration comes up and they give me a fucking spear. And they're like, hey man, we want you to have this.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, I start crying. And I do the show and I'm sitting there going, I saw Nirvana play here.
I started smashing pumpkins open for Nirvana in this civic center. I saw Bob Keth Goldthwaite here.
I saw fucking Adam Sandler here. And i'm doing what they're doing and then they get done and i fucking grab the spear fully aware of fucking like fully aware of my surroundings and i they're all doing the chant i go grab the spear and i lead fucking 10 000 people in a chant with the fucking lights out and their camera phones highlights on and i get done and i'm just like totally gonna get cancelled for that.
Does not fucking matter. Does not fucking matter.
One of the greatest moments of my life that I mean to this day I never wore seminal shit. I just I would but I always felt weird when I put it on because they didn't want me at the end.
It's almost like you wanted to be a part of them but but they didn't want to be a part of you. So you felt like it's strange if you have it on because it's not like reciprocated from you.
Right. It's like fucking talking good about a chick that slept with someone else.
And you're like, I don't want to talk good about her. Or like, I just want to, or said, I don't love you anymore and please lose my number.
And then you're like, how can I talk good about her? I mean, and then when they welcomed me back like that man they got me forever I mean it was the greatest it was one of the greatest experiences of this tour but of my life and the fucking coaches reached out the fucking I mean everyone that worked there reached out and they're like hey man if, man, if you want this, if you want that, please come by.

Please stop by.

Bars hit me up.

Hey, we got a private room for you.

The kids, I mean, the kids really overwhelmed me that the kids knew who I was.

Like, I'd be walking around, and they'd just open their dorm windows.

Dorms I lived in, they'd be like, the machine!

And I'd be like, shut the – it was the greatest – it was the coolest moment of my adult life. So much that I was like, this tour, this Birdie Boy tour has been, this relapse tour has been, I mean, I did Red Rocks.
I did the fucking arena across from the Packers. Aaron Rodgers came over and said hi.
All the Packers came backstage and fucking hung out. I mean, it was, it's been, it's been overwhelming.
It's been like, if I die in a bus accident, then know that I died a very fucking happy man. It's awesome to have a moment moment like that too because i feel like a lot of people do have highlights of their life that they have to get years past and look back on but to recognize it as it's happening yeah that's good shit dude i was sobbing when they gave me that spear because that spear when you have you ever have you ever been to a florida i have yeah i saw no name florida like six seven years ago at night it was sick it's just so moving and then what's crazy is like you know everyone your management and lawyers and agents are like oh you know donald trump just got in trouble for doing the i go i don't i don't like i don't care it was one of the greatest moments of my life and i'm not and i and i can't look that doesn't mean that to me or whatever it means to whatever but what's crazy is the next week i was at the seminal hard rock casino and a bunch of seminoles like legitinoles, came back, and they were like, oh, I'm so glad you got the spear that was so badass.
And I was like, all right, we're good. Yeah.
We're fucking good. Yeah.
It's everybody that is not involved in that conversation. Right.
Yeah. It would be the people speaking.
It would be white people speaking on behalf of Seminoles. Right.
Look, if a Seminole wants to come up to me and say something to me, I will definitely apologize, whatever. But if a fucking white woman's upset by it, I can't really – Yeah.
I can't really – How did the original Rolling Stone article come to fruition? Did they hit you up? They named Florida State like the best party school, right? And then they wanted to find the hardest partier. So how did you get connected? So they want – The Princeton Review does this, finds the number one party school every year, right?

They named Florida State.

And then a bunch of places started trying to find kids to write about.

And they did to a couple kids.

And they were all shitty.

They were all really shitty, right?

But they didn't use their last name.

So it was like my buddy Derek Minner was in one.

And he was like, they trashed me.

I didn't know anything about this.

I'm always oblivious to anything.

And Rolling Stone called. And one day, they'd called five different heads of organizations and said, can we hang out with one dude?

Who would it be?

I had partied with every single one of those guys the night before.

And they thought it was me pranking them.

So they were like, oh, it's Bert.

It's Bert.

So then he called me.

Eric Pogue gave him my number. He called me and I was in the middle of a bong hit.
We were about to play disc golf. And he was like, he pitches this thing.
My name's Eric Hedegaard. I want to do a story about Florida State.
I'm looking for a chaperone, someone to take me around, someone who knows a lot about the school, not just one area. I mean, would you be available for a week in November? And I exhaled my bong hit, and I was like, yeah.
And he goes, I'm sorry, are you doing a bong hit? And I took another bong hit and I was like, yep. And he was like, you'll be perfect.
So he stayed with me for a week but what's crazy is like now I think we all have an idea of what media is a little bit. He was like, I just want to stay with you and I just did not shut up.
I did not shut up. I was an open book i told him everything i did everything i brought him to

class with me he spent the night at my girlfriend's house if we went out and day drank he came with us i mean i did everything with this guy and at the end i just was like i hope he mentioned my name in the article and so this they go up and they write the article about florida state and then jan verner whatever his name is reads it and it's like hey man i just want to know more kid. He seems like it really, like I took a shit on a pizza box to win an election.
Like I fucking, I was a wild kid, obviously. So then they changed it and they don't tell me.
And so the day it comes out, April 1st, it comes out April 1st, FedEx knocks on my door. My dad calls and he goes, what the fuck did you do and I go what do you mean and he goes I have news crews

camped out in front of my fucking house

did you kill someone and the weekend before

it had been TPC and I had gotten pretty

fucked up in St. Augustine at the TPC

so I was like fuck I don't know

he gives me the fucking

FedEx knocks on the door I open it

I'm in boxers I just woke up

I open it and I see the Rolling Stone

magazine and it was Beck on the cover

I thought it was me

I was like I look amazing

I'm sorry. the door i open it i'm in boxers i just woke up i open it and i see the wrong stone magazine and it was back on the cover i thought it was me i was like i look amazing but it's like the number one party animal tells something about that and i open i'm like the centerfold and it's me in the fountain shirtless with a keg and i was like hey dad i gotta call you back i think i'm in rolling stone and i read the article and i mean like i remember you know i'm an emotional guy i'm not gonna hide from that but i cried when i read the fucking opening stupid thing of it's taken burt kreischer six and a half years to become the man he is the number one partier at the number one party school in the nation i was like oh someone finally understands me all my hard work all my hard work's paid off i hope this It into a career and i it was like it was it changed my life it changed my life over fucking night i mean dude it was like fame and it was so that was when fame was like you could not get fame yeah did you have anybody come up to you and be like hey man i saw that you were ranked number one partier at the school my buddy parties way harder than you and like introduce and try to like get his friend to show you how much harder they party than you the offensive line of the florida state seminoles was at yanni's one night and they're like and i walked in and they're fucking all there and they're like hey we got to see it for real and i was like what and they're like line them up come on frat boy and so i sat with these dudes who were all younger than me by the way i was like fucking 25 they're fucking in their 20s 19 years old so i fucking murdered these dudes i mean i'm a fucking grown-up at the time i should have been teaching their classes and we just started putting back shots and i was like and this other thing is like for whatever reason like i don't show up places drunk so whenever someone wants to like challenge me to a drinking off it's always always like, I'm not, I've, I've never had anything to drink.
Like there was this girl one time in Indianapolis who is like, I, we used to this thing where if you went up, if you went to the bar and you were topless, you got a half off all your drinks. So I'll show you the pictures, but man, these, when I did clubs, we go to the bar and everyone would be topless girls, guys, everyone's topless and and everyone's drinking because it's half off.
And this girl was beautiful. I come upstairs, she's topless and she's like, she's like, I'm going to out drink the machine.
And I was like, bitch, I haven't started drinking yet. I wouldn't do that.
It had just started snowing. She's topless with a tremendous rack, right? Tremendous.
And she goes, I'm going to drink you under the table. And this is back when I thought fireball didn't count as a shot.
So I go, line them up. So we get nine shots of fireball and I just go, goose, goose, goose, goose, goose, goose.
And I'm like, all right, catch up with me. Next thing you know, she's getting carried out of the bar, still topless.
And I run down and they're getting ready to put her in her car. It's snowing.
And I go, they got like a jacket on top of her. And I go and she was like i i couldn't do it i said you know why she goes why i said because i'm the fucking machine don't ever challenge me put her in the car get her the fuck out of here i'll show you a picture of her she's fucking hot as shit oh man yeah well that would that would challenge somebody to a drinking contest are never sober when they do it yeah they see you and they're like okay i'm a little bit drunk i can do this i can take this guy on but if it was maybe you could have been beat if somebody was like sober and came to the agreement with you ahead of time and scheduled it yeah well that's also they're never going to understand the place I've gotten to and I can get to where I can't catch the buzz back and I'm just drinking to see if I can catch the buzz again and you're just going like fuck, fuck, like on an airplane going like, do you have anything stronger than fucking Heineken? Like I just want to fucking restart the buzz and I've still got fucking 13 hours till we get to London, you know? So yeah, I don't, but I'm by, right now I'm just trying to make sure I can live forever.
Yeah. Cool.
Forever. Pickle yourself.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like I right now my my maintenance is uh live a lifestyle so that you can party because i love i love i love the feeling when everyone's like hey you guys want a beer like i love that energy that just that energy yeah it's like a first kiss yeah it's like and i don't get first kisses i'm married and i'm faithful right so like i don't get first kisses but oh i take that back i was in a movie and i got to kiss my wife on the movie it was different but i like that keeping yourself in shape so that you can keep partying forever yeah it's like like look at the fucking competitive eaters yo yo biashi komoi whatever yeah and joey yeah they're not like and then you go oh you just do this to get down wish I could get into weed more. I'm not, I can only take a couple hits of weed and then I'm.
Yeah, we were actually just talking to Jimmy about this. Weed's too good.
It's gotten too good. He got way too good.
We need to bring back bad weed. Yeah.
I got Jimmy buzzed. I got Jimmy fucked up a bunch.
And I got Jimmy fucked up a bunch. Did he show you the video? No.
We go to this fucking bar. We go to this bar.
And Jimmy's, Jimmy Tetris, who we're talking about, Jimmy is a quiet guy in real life. He's a very quiet guy.
He's a very shy guy. He's not like this, what you think of his character of being.
And so he's pretty subdued. And so we get this access to this.
It's a, I don't even know. It's like a fucking vaudeville where the girls take their clothes off and dance and people come out in characters.
And like all of a sudden the Joker will come out and we get this private booth and it's everyone in the movie. And they start bringing us fireworks and champagne.
and I'm kind having a good time but i look over at jimmy and he is ear to ear smiling and he's going this is the best night of my life and it's i'll send you guys the video and it is so because he's just going like this and they're everyone's like throwing money at your they got they give you fake money to throw at everyone and this fucking guy's dressed like the Joker, and he comes into our thing and sneaks on the catwalk and jumps off. And Jimmy's just ear to ear, I fucking love Serbia! Yeah, I fucking party with that guy a bunch.
Yes. All right, you got to run.
I know you got another interview. Oh, yeah.
It's been incredible. By the way, we'd love to have you back anytime.
Please, let me tell you something. I've been fucking fans of you guys for a very long time and I take it as an honor to be offered to be on this show so thank you very much we gotta have Tom on too Tom's the one you can talk to forever I'm the fucking lunatic Tom's the good interview awesome thank you guys thanks man Burt Kreischer was brought to you by bird dogs shorts are back what good timing bird dogs are back i'm wearing my bird dogs today not only do they have shorts but they've also got joggers they're awesome pants bird dog makes quality quality clothes they're my favorite shorts in the world they're the only shorts that i wear and their joggers are the best joggers that I own.

They feel like you're wearing a cloud.

You can go to birddogs.com and enter promo code PMT. They're going to

throw in a free Bird Dogs Patagonia

style beanie. Go check

out all new pants colors. Use the code

PMT. Go to birddogs.com

promo code PMT

and boom, you get a free Bird

Dogs Patagonia style beanie

with your pair of Bird Dogs. You will not

take these things off. They're the best

Thank you. dot com promo code PMT and boom you get a free bird dogs Patagonia style beanie with your pair of bird dogs you will not take these things off they're the best pants I'm just gonna say they're the best pants in the history of the world I'm wearing them right now are you yes they are so comfortable I love bird dogs everything that's a good ass thank you they're actually you know what that's the best ass in the history of the world because they're in bird dogs pants yeah Yeah, and I'm going to throw it out there.
I'm going to shout out our guys at Bird Dogs. I hate pants that don't have at least one pocket with a zipper.
Yep. They have the zipper pocket.
They actually have two, and it's great. Put my keys in there, all my valuables.
That's where the keys go every day for me. Same thing when you're wearing the shorts.
You don't want the keys falling out. If you take taxis in the morning, if you sit down on a subway bench on your way into work, the last thing you want is to lose your keys.
The zipper pocket solves all those problems. Go to BirdDogs.
You can go to BirdDogs.com, enter promo code PMT, and they will throw in a free BirdDogs Patagonia-style beanie. Okay, we're going to wrap up the show with a little Monday reading story time.
And it is brought to you by our friends at Roback. I have a Roback question for you, Hank.
Put in promo code take at Roback.com. R-H-O-B-A-C-K.
Best golf gear around. It really is.
I love the shirts. 20% off your first purchase.
It's a little tip for anyone out there. If you are a guy who needs a little bit of fabric to cover up some things that are going on in your body, Roback is great for it.
They're super comfortable. They're not restricting.
It's the perfect shirt. So go to R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com.
Use code TAKE for 20% off your first purchase. Also, Roback was created by an AWL, Sam Hubbard's cousin, who I met in LA.
Great dude. So support someone who supports us with Roback.com.
Use code TAKE for 20% off your first purchase. I want to say those sweatshirts are probably the official line of clothing for assistant coaches in the NFL.
Yeah. Because at the Combine and Indy, and PMT, but at the Combine and Indy, we were wearing our Roback.
We were walking around at the bars and restaurants that we were going out to. All the assistant coaches in the NFL just wearing rowback gear everywhere.
Yes, it's true. All right, Hank, you have a Monday reading for us.
I do have a Monday reading. We took this actually from within.
This is from the Part of My Take DM account. It's from Part of My Take.
Not sure sure who sent these but they are sent to the liver king uh whoever that is maybe we can get some context first message uh hey liver king any interest in doing social collabs while you're in new york that was not answered and then it was followed up with would love to have you come to the barstool office maybe even for an interview we are the largest sports podcast and would love to host you at barcel hq no no answer that was tuesday at four o'clock on tuesday at six o'clock he replied to a liverking story who was in new york and said that is right by the barcel office no answer then on uh wednesday he replied to another liverking story and said liverking would you like you like to come to the Barstool HQ today? It would be great for you to promote your supplements and do collabs with Barstool Sports. So that was from the Instagram and then on TikTok.
If you clicked into any Liver King's videos, here are some of the comments from all the TikToks he's posting. This is like Jerry and TJ Watt.
I love this. Liver King, would you like to stop by the Barstool office? You're scared of Billy football.
Oh, you went with that? I think that was memes. I think memes was trying to help him out by maybe switching up the curveball.
I'm sorry. Whoever that was that happened to be sending the previous DMs was really giving him the wet suck on that one.
You've got to neg him a little bit. This might have been Jake been jake with all the exclamation points it said liver king offer still stands exclamation point come to the barcel office exclamation point uh i love the hustle yeah yeah so i that was more like you know maybe monday reading we got to figure out within who you know who did this or like where this was coming from because usually we're kind of on the same page we're trying to book guests so it seems like someone might have went rogue uh well i i told billy too before i wanted him to save his liver king story so this is a perfect time you did tell us the whole background for people who don't yeah who the fuck is okay so uh liver king is uh a guy who lives on the liver ranch somewhere in texas i think but he he an ode to his early ancestors.
Where does he come? How do people know him? TikTok? He's a TikTok guy, Instagram guy, super jacked. He's on Fit Talk.
He looks like a mix between Dallas Braden and Julian Edelman. Right.
Exactly. He's a guy with a big beard, jacked.
And basically, his whole philosophy is preaches sort of primal early human living and that we need to revert back and eliminate some of the stuff from the modern world that

is making us weaker and not as we should be in the eyes of our early ancestors.

Like medicines.

Yes.

And fully cooked meat.

Yes.

So he's like paleo on steroids.

Yeah, literally.

A paleo extremist. He's paleo on steroids and also steroids yes yes but basically i saw he was in new york city and you know i've been working on the part of my take tiktok go follow the part of my take tiktok if you can uh give some views and that'd be much appreciated they can tell them yeah go follow yeah follow it on tiktok Offer still stands to follow part of my take on TikTok.
Yes can. Tell them.
Yeah, go follow. Yeah, follow it.
On TikTok.

Offer still stands to follow part of my take on TikTok.

Yes, please do that.

So I was sort of left to roost in New York,

and I was sort of looking for stuff to do.

So I saw- You were roosting.

I was roosting.

You're sitting on-

You're roosting.

Okay, yeah.

So he was in New York City,

and he preaches about simulating hunts. So Liver King likes to simulate hunts And he simulates successful and unsuccessful hunts Basically he works out And he either eats after it if it's a successful hunt Or he doesn't and does like a prolonged fasting period If he doesn't have a successful hunt So he's invented working out and then eating a meal Yes, exactly Deconst Deconstructed.
Exactly. And he has a bunch of other, he has nine primal tenants, which hopefully if Liver King does come on the show, he'll tell us more about.
He seems like he's interested. Yeah, can you give us a couple? One of them is basically you can't sleep with any Wi-Fi or electricity in your room because it messes up your sleep waves.
You have to sleep in total darkness and simulate the sun going down. A lot of weird stuff.
Sounds like a trip chamber. Yeah, I like that.
And a lot of it is based off of eating nose to tail, basically a lot of animal organ meat. Okay, and he makes his...
I saw a couple clips. He makes his kids eat this shit too.
Yeah, he preaches working out. So basically I decided to do a simulated hunt of the simulated hunter, Liver King.

So Liver King's in the city.

I was bouncing around looking for him.

He'd post somewhere and then he'd leave.

And it was sort of a little cat and mouse game through.

So I had some time on my hands.

So I simulated hunted Liver King.

So I finally caught up to Liver King on Friday.

It was about four days of a simulated hunt.

I did a simulated fast as if I was hunting the whole time.

Wait, wait, wait.

What's a simulated fast?

Just pretended to not?

Exactly.

Okay.

I simulate fast all the time.

Just as the early ancestors wanted.

So I finally found Liver King.

He was sort of having a gathering for a push-up context as one does whoever could have a but basically it was really kind of you know i think it's really funny like but there was guys who showed up at this push-up contest who were hardcore liver king following all the ancestral primal non-tenants so you're so not you yeah so you're so you're not even close to like a top 10% Liver King fan. No, I'm like, there are people farther into Liver King.
It was kind of... You're like a Normie fan of him.
You're not like an OG. Yeah, I just...
Name three of his albums. Yeah, right.
Exactly. You just know his hits.
So I show up there just like to talk to Liver King, you know, try to... Basically, I want to do TikTok collabs with him, you know build the tiktok it would have been great for both of our socials um but then it basically was like he got mobbed there was serious primals as he calls them all around them and they're all doing what are serious primals well he calls his his followers primals yeah that's pretty cool smart that's really we should have done that instead of awl pretty cool all you primals out What there.
It's a primals liver king here. So wait, is he the liver king? He's not called the liver king because he has like a really giant liver or anything.
No, because liver is king. Basically, he believes that liver is, you know, organ meat is something that we don't consume in our regular day life, and it's going to make you jacked.
I only worship one liver king. That's John Daly now and forever.
So wait, so, so. You got to get him on.
He was doing, he was doing a pushup contest. Yeah.
And he invited you to participate in it, right? He was like, if anyone can do a hundred pushups, I'll give you a hundred bucks. And Billy was like, you know what? I'm going to show out for liver king and I'll impress him with how strong I am.
So come on the show. So then you got up there and you did how many? You did a hundred.
I didn't do a hundred pushups. Oh, so Billy's over three on challenge.
No, I did chest day the day before. I got 75, took a rest.
I hate it when that happens. I did a rest and then I got the rest of the 25.
But you knew Leverking was in town. I didn't know he'd have a pushup contest on Friday.
What did you think was going to happen with Leverking? he work that workout? It happened. Chest day was on Thursday.

Friday.

Can't change chest day.

Can't change chest day.

I just hope Billy never wins a contest ever.

Billy.

I have one question about Liver King.

I saw some pictures.

Kind of a short dude.

Well, you see, he didn't go through the agricultural revolution.

So he's still the size of the early ancestors.

So he's tall for his era. He's tall for his era, yeah.
Got it. That's what you need to do, PFT.
You start saying that you're actually You didn't go through the agricultural revolution. Yeah, wait, how tall is he? Is he shorter than me? He looks short.
Honestly, it's kind of crazy. There's almost like a Christ allegory.
It's like he is the body. He's the embodiment.
No, he is the embodiment of the early ancestors on earth.

And he gives sacrament as pieces of liver.

So after everyone did the push-ups, which was like prayer,

he started giving out liver for everyone to eat.

Did you eat some?

Yeah, I did eat some.

So it was 26 degrees when this all happened.

So the liver was frozen at this point.

And also our hands had just gotten off the floor of Times square and we were all just barehanded eating liver probably definitely built up the immune system doing that yep but uh the way we're definitely through if he's from a different time wouldn't he die from being around other people well i you know that's a good question no because his his immune system is kicked into high gear by living as our ancestors did. Exactly.
So I think he's healthier to begin with. Yeah.
But that didn't really work for Native Americans. We're probably going to die being around him.
Yeah. Yeah.
Did you get to speak to him? Yes, I spoke to him. Did he speak English? He did speak English.
I would imagine he speaks some kind of liver language that we can't understand. His grunts? Yeah.
There was a lot of grunting. But he was a pretty cool dude.
I talked to some of his people, and he's going to be doing a podcast tour soon. So hopefully- Of course he is.
He's on a podcast. So how is that? Now, Liver King's got a media agent? Yes.
That doesn't seem very- And security guards. Well, the big plot hole in all this is Liver King lives as our ancestors did

tens of thousands of years ago on TikTok.

Yeah, right.

By mastering the algorithms as our ancestors did.

He's got the same age as Jimmy Fallon.

But yeah, we should get him on the show.

I would love to interview Liver King.

The guy is fascinating to me.

He's just an interesting guy.

The fact that he lives that kind of lifestyle,

it's just interesting. Billy, when you were DMing him, did you stop to think for just like a second and like, maybe I should stop DMing this guy after the fifth time he didn't respond to me.
Well, you know, he probably doesn't check his phone a lot. Listen, I think that's great hustle.
If it's a passion, obviously you can't do it to everyone.

Right.

But Liver King, I'm going to make an exception.

I think that's, you know, you're allowed to harass Liver King in the DMs.

All right, so Johnny Davis is actually really hurt.

I don't know what happened to him.

This is bad, Jake.

Have you found anything, Jake?

I feel like you stopped looking.

No, I've been looking.

I haven't seen anything.

I just don't want to misreport.

No, he's very, very hurt.

This is all brutal. On his own power.
Billy, you know that you're on one of Liver King's TikToks. Yeah, I know.
You're in the background. And these are all the primals that came out to see him.
Yeah, those are the primals. Yeah, I stopped.
These are some primal men. Yeah.
Well, it kind of. It looks like prison, honestly.
No, but this is what happened. They were doing $100.
He started getting $100 saying, you can do 100 push-ups. Then all these guys started coming out of the woodwork.
He's like, I can do 100 push-ups. And they just like non-primals were doing 100 push-ups for $100.
The best part is that- Not with lower body injury. It's very vague.
The best part is when the push-up contest starts, Billy is just looking around at all the bros trying to go faster than everybody. You turn into a little contest to see if you could could outwork i love it billy i gotta get i gotta get pumping there was there was a lot of primals they these guys probably did chest day the day before too but they're still going i know once i saw all these dudes started to take their shirts off and i was like okay you know what this i'm gonna keep my shirt on it's getting a little too primal yeah billy billy would hate that hanging out with a bunch of shirtless bros um, well, good job, Billy.
I love it. Hopefully we get Liverking on.
Would you say he's your top of your list of guests you want? He's up there. He was attainable.
He came to the city. Right, well, clearly not that attainable.
Well, he had to hop on the plane. He was leaving right after that.
That's what they all say. He had to hop.
Let me guess. He had from now.
Yeah, in two hours. Oh.
Yeah. That's a thing? I mean, it's pretty easy.
I saw him walking around Brooklyn yesterday. Yesterday? No, I'm just kidding.
That would have broken your heart. I got lied to by Liver King.
Liver King shouldn't take planes, by the no that's illegal that should be illegal like grab

a bird yeah that should absolutely be illegal liverking no planes running in the tunnel you can see him running in the tunnel there's a video on the broadcast or someone videoed him running in the tunnel i don't know what that means all right well i guess we'll find it we'll i'll have more we'll have more on wednesday but this is this could have dr pft is diagnosed it with as a facial slash head slash neck injury.

This would be just like I was having

such a great college but this is this good dr pft is diagnosed it with as a facial slash head slash neck okay

this would be just like i i was having such a great college basketball week and then just can

never have nice things and just a quick shout out to everyone was like i can't wait till wisconsin

loses in the tournament yeah they will i don't care you can fucking dance on my grave 99 67

you'll have my you'll have your fucking you'll have your your party i did on my grave i did put

a future on wisconsin there we go solidarity got a future in wisconsin have one too yeah future on

I think it's a good thing. You'll have your fucking party on my grave.
I did put a future on Wisconsin in solidarity.

Got a future on Wisconsin.

I have one too.

Future on Duke in solidarity with Hank. You made me after the hungry dog, but I'll have it.

Kansas, and there was one other that I got talked into.

Arkansas.

Auburn.

Arkansas.

Must bust.

Almost came back and won that game.

I have Auburn, Wisconsin, and Duke.

Okay. Those are my teams.
This is March, baby. Great fucking time of the year.
We got some good interviews coming up with some coaches, players, all kinds of stuff for March. Analysts.
What? Analysts. Analysts.
Titus isn't really an analyst. No, he's not.
Right. But someone else is.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, Titus is not is not our our a-lister just want to make sure that's clear because people are like getting excited he's an a-lister in my book he's an a-lister and yeah it's like uh it's a it's a very long time to put him on the mount rushmore guests and then not call him an a-lister well he's he's you know yeah sure i'm just kidding I fucking love him.
He is an A-lister. He's number one in...
He's number... What number did he wear? I don't know.
Did he... I don't think he ever took his jacket off.
Yeah, that's true. He's number zero in your program number one in your heart.
That's Mark Titus. 34.
34. I'm very excited for when Mark Titus...
Yeah, I think you wore that for Shaq. Give me a 51.
Shout Shaq. I'm taking 34 for Mark.
Another weird thing that Darren Revell owns. Shaq's student ID.
That was freshman student ID. Revell ate the trash so hard last night.
What do you do? Tell me. He said the Lakers right now are the seventh seed and they're what? 42 and 30 on the season? Yeah, he said someone just placed a $ fifty thousand dollar bet in the lakers to win the championship they're currently 42 and 31 which is not true not true at all yeah well what happened was he googled what the lakers uh record was and at this time last year i think they were like 42 oh that's awesome or maybe that was our total how you can type like how like yeah how can you do, how can you do that? How do you even remotely follow sports and think the Lakers are 10 games over 500? Right.
All right. 22.
34. 51.
69. 25.
Oh, crap. What are you doing with that shot? 76.

New number.

New number and also not good after we talked about the Eastern Conference, Hank.

Love you guys. Do you mean anything?

So, Corgis have a dominant gene that makes their legs short.

So, if you look up Corgi mixes, they all have tiny legs like Corgis.

Love you guys. We're talking away I don't know what I'm to say I'd say it's anyway Today's a nightly day to find you Shying away I'll be coming for your love, Shying away I'll be coming for your love okay Take on me Take me on I'll be gone.
Take me on, take me on. Take me on

Return of the tree

Needless to say

I'm all the same

But I need so little way

We'll be right back. I need less to say I'm all descended But I need so little way Slowly learning that life is okay Say up to me It's no better to be safe than sorry Say up to me It's no better to be safe than sorry.
Take on me. Take me on.
I'll be gone. Not me.
Take me. Take me.
I'll be gone. I the things that you say is in love Just a funny night, a breeze away You're all the things I've got to remember You're shying away I'll be coming for you anyway You're shying away You're shying away You're shying away I'll be coming for you anyway.
Take on me. Take me on.
I'll be gone in a day.