Dungeons & Dragons, Chris Paul To The Finals, Brooke Lopez Respect Tour, NIL & Fyre Fest

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On today's Pardon My Take, we have Tim Woods, the return, the return of Tim Woods, the return of Dungeons & Dragons. We have him in studio.
It is awesome. We're going to talk some NBA playoffs, Suns in the finals, breaking down the Patrick Beverly, Chris Paul ending, breaking down Steve Ballmer, talk some NIL.
We have officially sponsored an athlete. Bryson's caddy quit on him.
Firefest of the week, but Tim Woods, Tim Woods is the way to go. We're going to send you off into the holiday weekend before we do all of that.
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Okay, let's go. Boy! Boy! Now in the streets there is violence And I'm lot of work to be done No place to hang out or wash in And then I can't blame all on the sun Oh no We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports. Welcome to Pardon My Take presented by The Tomorrow War.
Go stream it right now, right this second on Amazon Prime Video with Chris Pratt. Today is Friday, July 2nd.
And oh my God, is it a bummer watching the eastern conference final without yannis or trey young i did it with the price is right horn bump bump but oh that's what it felt like watch that game but credit to the bucks credit to the box brooke lopez is scoring what 33 points brooke lopez what did I say? Yeah, no, I'm saying Brooke Lopez. I'm repeating.
That was like a rapper. I am helping put some emphasis again on Brooke Lopez.
You said Brooke Lopez. I say Brooke Lopez.
Brooke Lopez dropped 33 tonight. 14 of 18, Brooke Lopez, absolutely dominant.
Is Giannis a system center? I don't know. People are saying.
But, yeah, that's how bad that it is. It's tough to watch.
This series has become tough to watch. I was hoping every time I see, what's his name, Phanasis Atatokobko? Is that his name? Every time I see him, I just keep hoping he'll step out on the court and he'll be like five inches taller and 60 pounds heavier and way more athletic and just start to play like his brother.
And I'll be like, oh, that's the added to Kutumko twin. He's just as good as Giannis and it never works out that way.
But yeah, it's tough to watch. It's not a knock on the box.
Like I know some people will say, well, you're knocking the box. No, I actually think the box deserve a ton of credit because like they all stepped up you had Drew play a great game you had Chris Middleton Bobby Portis crazy I Bobby Portis who I still love he played a great game like the box stepped up and when you know everyone's injured or when your main player's injured to be able to survive this you get credit for being tough and for for pulling out a win when you needed one.
I'm just saying from like a basketball perspective. And I think most fans bucks and Hawks fans should agree with it.
When you go there and you're like, even ESPN had, you know how they had their live like scoreboard right on the main page. It had Trey young dribbling the ball with Giannis defending him.
Like That's what they're still pushing as the series, and that's just not what we're getting. It sucks as a basketball fan to watch it and be like, man, I really wish both these teams were healthy and we had Giannis going up against Trae Young.
Unfortunately, that's not the case. Credit to the Bucs.
I do think that if Trae Young doesn't come back in this series, I think the Bucs will probably win this series in seven. I would say seven.
So the Hawks will win another game. But it's just a bummer.
It just feels like a bummer. Yeah, I don't know.
I feel like the Bucs probably win the next game, too. I don't.
Yeah, I don't know. It's honestly tough.
When you all when it's all coming down to like the role players and who's going to step up it is tough to expect teams to perform back to back in dominant fashions and like the bucks dropped what 123 tonight like i don't know if they're going to be able to you can't rely on the role players getting you that many points again uh in the next game especially like if it's in atlanta so i it's really it's like it's a toss-up to me it's just is a big bummer because I, every time I watch these teams out there, it's like, I do, I physically miss Trey young in this game. Like my eyes hurt watching the Hawks play with no Trey young.
They're always looking like, Oh, is that guy Trey young? Is that guy? No. And it never is.
The only reason that I say the Hawks will win game six. And I think that, I think the bucks are a better team with, you know.
They're a better team with Giannis. If you take out Trae Young and Giannis, they're still a better team.
The Hawks, just every single time it feels like everyone writes them off, that's when they come out. They have done that, it feels like, five times these playoffs where everyone has doubted them, and then they just showed up and did their thing.
So think there's a toughness to the hawks that will will shine through in game six i i've been very wrong many many times before so it could be wrong here but i do love brooke lopez i love i he just moves so slow but he still is able to do so like he's still able to compete at this level, but it's it looks like, you know, the

old saying like piano on your back.

He runs with the piano on his back.

He runs like his both his legs are like huge redwood trees.

And he's like, it's it doesn't make sense.

But then he's out there and he just has nice touch and hit some threes and does everything

else.

And I don't know, maybe Brooke Lopez will be your Giannis.

Maybe Brooke Lopez will win finals MVP. It's been the craziest playoffs in that regard i actually think that the way that brooke lopez plays right now is probably going to be the exact way that janice plays when he's like 60 years old if you could put janice in a time machine go that far into the future that's what you get with brooke he does he does move like a tree he moves like did you see uh lord of the rings when the trees were like carrying the people through the forest when they're running across the entire country basically that's what that's what the lopez twins look like how is it possible that stanford lost any games at all when they had both those guys well it's crazy too because there was a time when the lopez twins were kind of like semi bust and they both have had nice careers and i just i think my favorite part about brooke lopez is when you you know in today's nba especially guys are so quick and their first step is so quick and brooke brooke lopez doesn't get to his like full speed until his like eighth step his first step is truly a like we're winding this up it's it's almost like cranking an old car.
Here's my first step. And then and then he gets going.
But it's I don't know. Maybe that's what we'll do.
You know what? Let's just become Brooke Lopez guys. And that's where we'll find the enjoyment in this series.
Sure. Yeah.
Watching Brooke Lopez excel at the tender age of 46 or however old he is. How old is Brooke Lopez? I feel like he's sneaky younger than we think.
Let's take guesses. Okay.
My honest guess is that he's 34 years old. I was going to say 33, 34.
He's one of those guys where I find out how old he is and I get depressed because I'm older than him. He's 33.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That makes,

that makes me feel awful.

All time leader in nets points.

Yep.

Don't you fucking forget it.

Legend.

Katie will surpass that in like November of next year.

I'm sure.

Okay.

Let's talk sons.

Sons in the finals, Chris Paulul legacy game skip challenged him he came through that second half when they came when the clippers looked like they were uh coming back and chris paul came back in the game he ended up with 41 he ended up with an all-time great flopping performance he deserves all of the the credit. He deserves all the accolades that are being thrown at him right now.
Am I happy for Chris Paul? That was my first question for you. Are we happy for Chris Paul? We are happy for Chris Paul in a very selfish way because as a Suns podcast, it makes us look smart for picking the Suns.
Now, if Chris Paul wasul was playing on any team besides the sons we would be like that guy is a p word and he flops all over the place so i think yes we are happy for him but only as long as he can do something for us in return which is in this case make us look smart i also want to give credit for to chris paul there's two ways you can kind of well there's there's multiple ways you can have a professional sports career. You could win all the time throughout your career.
That's great. You could win early and fade.
That kind of sucks, but at least you won early. So people will say, well, he's a winner.
The Aaron Rodgers method. Chris Paul, though, is doing a great method here in that he now gets all the pent up.
Did we underrate Chris did we not appreciate Chris Paul enough it becomes a Chris Paul love fest for the next two weeks not saying he doesn't deserve it he does deserve it but I think that's just a beautiful thing like I know he didn't plan it this way but that's how that's a great thing to have it's so you know the it's the John Elway method is what we'll call it where you there's many years where people kind of shit on you and like hey can't win the big one and then if he goes all the way and wins this nba title the amount of love that chris paul will get it will make it all worth hank were you gonna say something i was just gonna say the other element of that is the fact that him and monte williams like came up together he was his coach in new orleans he was in chris Paul's wedding party. So like there it's, it's, you know, they're player coach, but they're also like brothers in arms.
So that's, that's a cool story too. That's a good point.
Yeah. The completion of this one, would this be the completion of the banana boat gauntlet? Yeah.
Well, I mean, we all agree that the four seat that was left empty was for mellow. Jesus.
He won a college title. He won a college title.
There you go. That's wild.
It is. With the same guy who coached Buddy Boeheim this year.
Yeah. Yeah.
The banana boat. Monty Williams, though, deserves a ton of credit.
I did think like it felt like the Clippers, they were a tough ass team. And I know that we listen.
We love storylines. Playoff playoff p he played great these entire playoffs but he still is playoff p and he still gets to be made fun of he probably doesn't deserve it this time around he actually doesn't deserve it but um those free throws were good cat yeah dude yeah you guys he makes those free throws it's a different series that's just a fact he played well but he also won the like he also won them games that he shouldn't have won you know like he kawaii went down and it's been the paul george show and paul george isn't like what i think i saw uh emmanuel ocho or maybe sam macho was like he's he's not an all-star he's a some star it's like hey guess what it's it's okay to be like an all-star.
And there's only, what, five, six, seven guys

who can be like 1A.

They're the best player on their team.

They're the best player in the world at some point.

That type of guy.

Paul George, pretty good.

He's pretty good.

He is playoff P.

We will mock him.

I have no problem still mocking him

when he fucks up and says something stupid.

But I'm going to give him at least a little bit credit for the Clippers, like losing Kawhi and still getting to this point.

The problem with playoff Paul is that he's he's paid like he's a Mount Rushmore guy, but he's not even a JV Mount Rushmore guy.

If you're looking at like top eight players in the league.

So everything with him is graded a little bit on a curve.

Yeah, he had not a lot of help around him and he wasn't able to do it on his own.

So I'm not going to get off that narrative just yet.

Thank you. So everything with him is graded a little bit on a curve.
Yeah, he had not a lot of help around him, and he wasn't able to do it on his own. So I'm not going to get off that narrative just yet.
It's too much fun to just keep playing a ball in that box. No, I agree.
I'm not telling you to. I'm not telling you to get off the playoff P narrative.
I'm not getting off the playoff P narrative. I'm hitting a quick pause.
It's almost like a save by the bell freeze and be like, you know what, playoff P, you did okay these playoffs. real life you're a bum i'm going to tweet a picture of your ball of your dog of your dog teabagging you while you're sleeping yeah okay so i i agree with where you're at one minor tweak to it i think that you should be in the scene with playoff p and then you hit pause then you tell the audience listen this guy still kind of a bum but in reality he kind of impressed me the bare minimum this playoff series.
Then you hit pause. Then you tell the audience, listen, this guy still kind of a bum.
But in reality, he kind of impressed me the bare minimum, this playoff series. Then you go back to the scene.
So he doesn't know that you said anything nice about him. Not only that, let's build off that.
I say, hey, listen, pause scene, playoff P, pretty good playoffs. You know, I'm going to don't tell anyone I said this, but I think he proved this year that he has some toughness to him, that he has some fight to him that maybe he didn't have the years past.
And then before I unpause, I put a banana peel right under his shoe and he slips and looks like an idiot. And then I immediately tweet out, God damn it.
Playoff Pete did it again. What a buffoon.
Okay. I like that.
The audience laughs raucously. And then Mr.
Belding calls you you into his office you go in there and he grabs your dick and it's being played by still steve balmer dude that balmer clip steve balmer do you think that steve balmer tells the guys like hey listen fellas floor seats feet on the wood tonight game six western conference only thing i asked if shit gets wild i'm going to jerk off your leg and smack you in the balls it was uh it was honestly watching pornography they had sex that was that was a sexual act like there was contact between the hand the genitals there was gyration i think that's just sometimes dudes get pumped and they just grab each other. You've been in a situation where I'm sure dudes just gotten really excited and then grabbed your leg and then jerked your leg off.
It happens all the time. Like at a sporting event.
That poor guy on his right who credit to him for even putting up a little bit of a fight. The guy on Balmer's left was just like, listen, I signed up for this.
These are six seats. I'm friends with Steve Ballmer.
I'm probably going to go on a private jet later. Yeah, Steve, just rub my leg down and jerk it off.
The guy on his right was like, hey, Steve, I'd rather not get my balls smashed in by you. But he even still like it wasn't it wasn't that much of a protest.
Andve balmer i'm gonna say it right now he's got to work on his stamina in the off season because i've never seen someone get so gassed after jerking off their two friends legs uh quite like steve balmer now i've never seen that before exactly what steve balmer did but i'd have to imagine that going skiing yeah they're going skiing i'd to imagine, I'd have to imagine that other people, if they tried that maneuver, wouldn't be completely out of breath and falling down into their chair. No, I mean, AJ titties was standing on her feet all night long when she was on sidelines.
So I think that Steve Ballmer, um, if I were in that position, well, first of all, let's think about the, the, the ratio of the broadcast time spent not on Steve Ballmer and then the amount of camera time where Steve Ballmer was in the frame probably about what like a 300 to 1 split on that and for that one tiny moment happened to be the time when he was caught jerking off the two guys next to him you have to wonder how often that happens during a game when the camera is not on him. This might be just like from starting, starting whistle to the final buzzer.
He's probably just rubbing off his bodies. And he just happened to get caught this one time.
The Clippers should absolutely in their package, their local package. If they want to become a Clippers town should sell a bomber cam for the entire for the entire game i even like you know it happened i was just laughing my ass off i fired off a few tweets i saw one person was like how about we talk about the game and the players in the game like how about we don't how about we talk about steve balmer being a fucking weirdo and just smashing his boys balls because there was a sick dunk in the game i'd rather talk about that because that was one of the most shocking things i've watched yeah and and if you're that guy tweeting at you telling you what to talk that guy's spending all this time telling other people to stop talking about the guy jerking off his friends you should be talking about the game instead of talking about that yes okay here's the, here's the other thing.
If you're sitting next to him and he reaches over and just smashes you right in your dick, he's a billionaire. He owns Clippy.
He is Mr. Microsoft.
And he hits you in your ball sack. You're on TV.
How do you not take the opportunity to just fall down on the ground, call an ambulance over immediately, but put a neck brace on, you get transported to the hospital. That's your moment to shine.
Like if that happened to me, I would be filing a lawsuit before I got off the ground. Like my, the swelling would not have gone down to my testicles before I'd be rejecting my first settlement offer.
I also would be wearing a cup. I'd wear a cup.
I'd wear like type of fireman pants. So if the friction gets too hot when he's rubbing you down, at least you have protection on.
I'd be wearing a NASCAR fire suit with a cup underneath all of my regular clothes if I sat next to Steve Ballmer at a game. That's actually my goal.
So I want to sit next to Steve Ballmer at some point at a place place where he's likely to get excited and i'll be wearing just like one of those dog training suits where they can jump up and bite you anywhere and hang on i'll just be wearing that underneath my jeans hoping that i get hit in the nuts then i can cash in and take it's probably worth like if he actually damages one of your testicles you could probably take what 25 30 million off him yeah easily i you also could do the alternate version is like a boxer you could just vaseline up like a like you go see your cut man in between quarters and you just make sure that you're just lubed up to the point where if he grabs you he's not holding on yeah listen that was the highlight of the game, by the way. I've never seen that.
And then, well, let's talk about that real quick, because I this is a weird situation for me because I'm seeing one thing and it feels like everyone else is seeing something else. Frank Comiskey basically beat the fuck out of Pat Beverly like he manhandled him.
He went up to him. He shoved him so hard.
Wisconsin tough. Like that was, it was, it was crazy.
I actually am shocked that the NBA hasn't fined Frank for what he did to Pat Beverly. Everyone was talking like he didn't do enough.
I thought he went too far. I actually, I was nervous because I was like, do I even know this guy?

Like I consider Frank a friend. And I'm like, I've never seen anything like that out of him.
He doesn't know his own strength. Like what's going on here? It was, it was frightening.
It really was like, I was, I saw him do that. And I was like, I think, you know, a guy used to be a coworker.
Like that could have been me that he did that too. Like I was around him him all the time and if like that that could have been my face going like straight into uh the air next to where my face used to be and that would have been just brutal uh pft i woke my son up it happened at like 11 p.m i woke him up and i was like hey listen if you were thinking about watching game six of the sun's clippers don't because frank kaminsky that was an act of violence it was rated r technically um as are we still co-workers can we say that like i don't feel comfortable even saying that he's a co-worker but um i don't think we are so he's a recurring guest yeah i think we should i think we should find he's a friend of the program i think we should find him send him a message well then he made up for it by chugging that beer in the parking lot because that's a fucking good ass dude if I was Frank what I would do I would just self-impose the two game suspension from the from the finals be like hey listen I don't want to be a distraction from the team I lost lost my cool.
I'll take this one on the chin.

And for the health and well-being of my opponents and my respect for the game,

I'll sit out the first two games on my own.

I got two other things about that.

Pat Beverly, Chris Paul, which really it was the Frank Kaminsky shove.

That's how I'm going to remember it.

Incident.

One is everyone acting like, oh, my God, how could Pat Beverly do this?

I love this from Pat Beverly. I know he's a heel.
I know that people don't like him. But what does a heel do when they lose? They act like a five-year-old.
And they're like, fuck it. I don't care.
I hate all of you. Like, this sucks.
I'm going to push everyone. I don't know.
I thought that was, I feel like that's better than Pat Beverly, like, shaking everyone's hand afterwards and being like good series no he went down in flames because he really dislikes everyone and that's the edge that he plays with so i had no problem with it no one got hurt yeah it was a cheap shot yeah it was lame like you know in terms of the cheap shot part of it but like pat beverly being like fuck fuck it. I'm just, I'm going out in a blaze of glory.

I'm getting ejected. I'm pulling off my Jersey.

That's how I want my heel like, you know,

tormentor guy to go down.

Yeah.

So my whole thing is there was a technical debt that had been accrued on the part of Chris Paul over the course of that game with the flops.

So he had acted like he had gotten shoved a couple of times when there was no contact made and he had gotten some calls at that point, you should be allowed to shove him and actually get your jollies in, make contact with him to even up that, that debt that exists because he's got rewarded. You haven't even gotten to hit him yet.
So I think if you, if you pretend to get hit and you get the call for it you should at some point get hit later on in that game and i don't

know if you guys caught this but chris paul he like can't he he can't break character because

he got shoved and it was a cheap shot and he went down and then he still flopped i don't know if you

saw but he grabbed his head like he had gotten shot in the forehead and then he like had a moment

or a cheap shot and he went down and then he still flopped. I don't know if you saw, but he grabbed his head like he had gotten shot in the forehead.
And then he like had a moment of realization, like, wait, we're up by 20. It's the fourth quarter.
We're going to the finals. He popped back up.
He smiled. He like flexed, but he still, even in that moment, couldn't stop flopping and had like an extra, he put a little extra, extra like cheese on that hot dog, extra mustard on that hot dog.
That's what I'm looking for with that, with that little extra, like, Ooh, my head hurts now too, because I got flopped. Like he's Chris Paul.
If you ever, God forbid anyone ever gets in a fender bender with him, he probably drives around with a neck brace in his passenger seat. Yeah.
Just ready to go always. I think that Pat Beverly, you can't expect him to do anything different in that moment.
Like, what is Pat Beverly? He's a firecracker that you toss into, like, the middle of a group of cats, right? That's what he's going to do. He's always going to cause the most chaos for whatever situation he's in.
He's not going to quietly into the night he's going to he's going to fuck around he's going to try to injure somebody and actually like it was a pretty it's a pretty dirty shove oh yeah i i like i like billy's initial reaction and i wanted to hear a little bit more from him on that because billy was the only person right now in the moment being like that is totally understandable by patrick Beverly and people got mad at him. I was just thinking like, if Tom Wilson had done something like that, they would have buried him underneath the court.
But Billy was the only person that was like standing up for the right of Pat Beverly to be Pat Beverly. So I wanted to hear a little bit more from you on that, Billy.
I love how Pat Beverly plays. So when I was watching the game, I saw him guarding Chris Paul and Chris Paul was just flopping the whole time and when he finally shoved them I was kind of like yeah I can see how that happened because he plays with emotion like he wanted to get his legs that's what I'm saying like you can't ask Pat Beverly to be that guy and then stop being that guy just like you can't ask Chris Paul to be the flopper and stop being the flopper.
That whole interchange outside of Frank Kaminsky almost killing Patrick Beverly was like everyone kind of finishing their story arc of the series where it was like, this is how it went. Patrick Beverly was going to end up getting ejected, shoving Chris Paul.
Chris Paul was going to flop even on that shove. And then the sons were going to win and go off to the title and hopefully win the title because we are a son's podcast.
Permission to go there. Yeah, go there.
Are we sure that Pat Beverly is a good defender or is he just like really fucking annoying and he doesn't stop? Well, he's a little older now. So I think like there's, there's the debate of like, I mean,

is he a good defender now? He's not, he's not what he used to be.

Yeah. He used to be very, very good.

But he's 32 years old. Like it's, it's, it's,

I think he's about to be 33.

So it's clear that he's on the other side of like in his prime.

So he just,

he seems to me like a guy who he's better at being pat beverly than he is at playing defense well he still knows how to be yeah he's great at being pat beverly right the age takes away his athleticism but it doesn't take away his brain and his ability to be patrick beverly right he's like like a turbo what's his name deshaun stevenson he's like a turbo version of that guy now yes yes there you go shout out to pacers they were going to make it in here at some point yeah you remember when it was uh it was like deshaun stevenson versus gilbert arenas and then it was uh deshaun stevenson that his new rival was going to be lebron deshaun stevenson he he's great at fomenting rivalries against people who are seven times better than he is. Just, I mean, it's actually genius because we're still talking about him to this day.
I think we're probably the only podcast that brought him up, but it's a little lesson for everyone out there. Find a rival that's significantly better than you, and everyone will still remember your name.
Absolutely. Okay, so Suns in four is our prediction for the NBA Finals? This many big cats.
Suns in four. Give Chris Paul all the accolades that he deserves.
Give my man Cameron Payne all the accolades he deserves. Cameron Payne, that guy never lacks in confidence.
I love that part of his game. He still thinks that he's MJ whenever he's going to the hoop and he's like, I got this.
I got this. But yeah, the Suns have been really fun to watch and I'm yeah, I think we're all rooting for him.
We're Suns podcast, but they're a fucking fun ass story. Also, campaign makes Hank look like he's got the chin from american dad campaign's chin is

oh that was a shot is that because of the i was saying the picture i was saying that hank's got a a great shin compared to campaign but putting him on that thanks thanks tubby cool fire preview All right. Let's talk some name, image, and likeness.
So the world was on fire today. College athletes finally get paid.
Barstool Sports is becoming a name, image, and likeness. I don't know.
I don't even know what we are at this point. We're just signing everyone, which I'm down for.
If you are an athlete, a college athlete, doesn't matter what level hit us up. I think the, what is it? Is it, what's the email address that we're doing? It's a URL.
Oh, there's a URL now. Yes, that's right.
There's a URL now. So we'll put it in the, I'll put it in the episode description.
So if you are a college athlete, hit we unfortunately aren't we don't decide it personally so don't dm us do the actual thing of going to the the google doc and signing up it's it's barstool.link slash athletes so we're signing basically the entire ncaa uh I don't know where this is going to go I think it's either going to become yeah it it's either going to become Barstool Save the World or there's going to be a rule set out there and then no one's allowed to play sports ever again because of us. But either way, I'm excited for it.
Now, we are also going to sign some exclusive special PMT Barstool athletes. So they have to be in the Barstool affiliate first and then we will elevate them to uh it's like kind of it's like i never saw the avengers but i'm just going to call it the avengers where we just decide uh the select few hank gave me a look like that was way off but i feel like i nailed that no it's i feel it's like it's a lot like the avengers or it's like i don't know when you start getting hired star wars to a company and then sometimes you get bumped up to the company's softball team and we're like the company's softball team yes which sponsors maybe even softball athletes so we have one already we're gonna it's gonna be select we're gonna roll them out throughout the seasons uh Hank would you like to because Hank actually inked this deal Hank would you like to announce who the first PMT barstool athlete is? Yeah, this person reached out to me earlier.
I was honored, given everything that they have going on in the world. So much responsibility and stuff.
Someone whose values I've represented and been with the whole time. Someone who I really believe in.
And I'm happy and proud to announce our first pmt athlete is aoc yes alex o'connell from creighton creighton basketball yeah love it so print the headlines pmt endorses aoc pmt officially endorses aoc we understand the value of the worker yes yes alex o'connell welcome. Welcome.
You are number one. A one.
Can't wait to root for you at Creighton. But yeah, we're, we're pressure.
No pressure either. No pressure, but we're going to open it.
It's going to be guys that we have like existing storylines with guys that we've talked to before, talked about before. So we're going to keep it as more of a running thing here.
just everyone and hopefully get them into some content too yeah so i i tweeted out last night that i was right when the announcement came out i didn't think i just tweeted like i would like to personally i would like to sponsor a fullback uh in college football i think i think every single college foot fullback and blocking tight end DM me yesterday.

So I've got, we've got a lot of applications to go through.

Yeah.

So we're going to take it slow.

We're going to make sure that we pick the right athletes.

The ones that will embody the PMT brand that will carry that, that,

that shining light on their shoulders.

And we're going to, we're going to definitely have a lot of fun with it.

I think that the best,

the best school so far that I've seen has been LSU in terms of just like straight up embracing it. The second that they announced it, they put out that video that was NILSU.
They were ready to go for it. And I think that that's the correct mentality to have.
Like you can fight it. You can complain that, oh, this is going to give certain teams certain advantages or whatever but at the end of the day you're still going to have to deal with it so you can either fight against it and lose or you can try to be the very best at it oh you're missing a crucial crucial third thing you can do you can retire like a coward and take your ball and go home and fake that you have a back injury and you want to spend more time with your 25-year-old great-granddaughter.

No, I think, isn't she like 30?

I don't want to miss you.

You can do that, too.

You can make everyone do a farewell tour on the way out.

I don't want to miss any more of her adult league dodgeball games

that she joined up in the city she just moved to.

My granddaughter has a wedding next summer, and I don't want to miss it.

So, yeah, the teams that embrace the NIL are clearly going to be the best at it.

But it's kind of ridiculous because there are no rules, really.

No rules.

It's just like as long as you fill out your forms

and get your taxes all squared away,

you can,

you can't do business with certain companies.

Can you do like,

could Pornhub just straight up sponsor an athlete?

Well,

the BYU released something that basically was like,

no gambling,

no adult entertainment,

no alcohol,

no coffee.

And I was like,

well,

fuck BYU forever. So that was in their list.
I also, I do think there are rules. I just don't think anyone's read them.
I don't even think that the people that are in charge of NCAA compliance right now are going to read them. Someone has the rules.
Someone does. I don't think anybody does.
I don't think that there is a rule. I think that it's just literally every man for himself at this point.
Yeah. They might not even play sports anymore.
Big cat. What? They might not even play sports anymore.
I know. It just might be just everyone's got a strong dudes with sweet haircuts taking checks from like America online to tell their grandparents to sign up for a free city.
I don't know. I don't know what it's going to look like.
Local Chevy sponsorships and the Chick-fil-A down the corner, you're going to sponsor their sweet tea. And that's it.
That's sports. I'm cool with it.
Yeah. The SEC on CBS this year is going to be like, hi, I'm Luke Del Rio for smoking vape shops.
Only found on 8th Avenue, downtown Jacksonville. Come on by.
Blow a cloud. What were you going to say, Billy? Technically, players can't have deals, according to the NIL, regarding alcohol, legal drugs like weed, tobacco, adult entertainment, or gambling.
That's all. But coffee? Coffee, yeah, but all the other stuff, no.
Good thing we're not a gambling company. Yeah, or a coffee company.
Okay. All right.
Last thing before we get to Tim Woods, we have a great Dungeons & Dragons coming up. Just another quick reminder, no show Monday, so don't say where's the show, Hank, where's the show? Also next week, Hank and Liam are taking a vacation, which they are much deserved.
So we're going to have fill in producers, Jake and not Jake Marsh, Jake Lasofsky and Youngstown Bob. So that's going to be fun.
You get those guys in the mix. We'll have a new show Wednesday.
We have Stu Feiner and John john morant and then friday i think we're going to have our good friend riscilla on so we will have wednesday and friday shows next week no show monday wednesday friday we back at it everyone have a safe fourth of july what are you going to say pft uh just for for wednesday's show we should do guys on chicks with munchtown box and just girls any questions that you have about about tongue stuff that's yeah that's the day that you're going to want to get those questions asked he's gonna he's got you um okay he's not gonna get tongue tied last thing um i everyone just hates bryson i feel bad for him at this point his caddy so you missed it, Bryson's caddy quit right before a tournament started today, which I asked everyone around who knows golf, and I guess that's not something that happens often because I genuinely didn't know. Turns out the caddies don't quit the day before a tournament or the day of a tournament.
Are we, is there a moment where we're going to start feeling bad for bryce i would say i'm five percent feeling bad from hank shaking his head he's like dude you're soft absolutely i'll admit that i might be soft yeah i'll admit that i might be soft you are you have been leading the charge wait no yeah you've asked this question too many times for you to not be feeling it at this point. I believe, I believe, I believe the exact quote was that if, uh, Aaron Rodgers and Bryson were playing Hitler, Hitler and Osama bin Laden.
Yeah. I stand by that rooting for Hitler and Osama.
Correct. Now, stand by how you feel bad for him.
No, I said, I said, is there 5% of you of you i said there's five percent of me dude

the guy's caddy can't stand him like that that's that's so brutal yeah yeah that's like hitler and stalin turning on each other that's like yes big cat this should not be no we we do not feel bad okay whatsoever in fact i'm happy with this guy the only way that i will become team bryson is if Bryson disavows himself.

That's the only way.

Like, his... whatsoever.
In fact, I'm happy with this. The only way that I will become Team Bryson is if Bryson disavows himself.
That's the only way. Like his caddy, I said, it's never too late to do the right thing in life.
That's a good lesson for everybody out there. Just because you're going down a wrong path doesn't mean you can't redeem yourself by changing course on that.
His caddy, yeah, he was Bryson's friend for a while, helped him win some Mickey Mouse Asterixix tournaments but then he left because it was the right thing to do if bryson at some point comes out and is like i'm a fucking dork and i suck and i don't like myself at that point i'll be like you know what i think i'm team bryson he makes i'm not a lot of good points you guys are getting confused i will never in my entire life be team bryson ever i'm saying, is there a small part of you? Like at some point you win so much, which what we do, we, we've beaten his brains, his caddy can't stand the thought of them. At some point you got to be like, you know what? Let's just let him go.
I mean, look, we did it with JJ Watt. We did.
We did. Hank thinks that's a soft move, too.
But that's because J.J. is different.
J.J. has shown a good side of himself, and we like him now.
With Bryson, listen, it's kind of a beta mentality that you've got back. You think that Tom Brady just wakes up one day.
He's like, you know what? I think five Super Bowls is enough. Hank's shaking his head no, because Hank knows.
No. You go out there, and you're all about the next one.
Listen, if you want to call me a beta, if you want to call me a beta because at some point I'm like, hey, maybe we shouldn't bully this guy to just like disappearing because it seems like we're on that road, then I'm a beta. That's fine.
His catting quitting and us bullying are not related whatsoever. I mean, I just know it's more about like the fact

that the guy's life is falling apart.

I kind of, you know what I want to do? Here's what I want to

do. Because of him, he needs to look in the

mirror. I guarantee

you his next caddy, he'll be a little bit nicer to.

His caddy just quit. His caddy quick

is Bryce. He's not going to be nicer to his next caddy.

He's Bryce. He can't change.
He's not.

He's going to be terrible.

I mean, who's left to be Bryce's caddy? It's going to be like his mom because no one else wants to work with him at all like remember when Patrick Reed brought his girlfriend out there because he couldn't find a caddy to actually take the job that's that's the level that we're at right now with Bryce I I will not I don't want to go down this path big cat I think that okay um Bryce I post a question question i don't feel bad okay all right if he keeps having everyone in his life quit on him i will i will continue silently i won't bring it up ever again feeling a little bit bad for the guy because i have a heart sorry i don't not in this case now not when it comes to bryson I'm sorry i also i was thinking about it like you know what never mind i was it's what i'm just saying for every time maybe we should have you podcast no i don't want to have him on the podcast i said i didn't want to have him on the podcast i said we said the only way we'd have him on the podcast is if jake marsh asked all his questions and it was all our questions that were just super mean to Bryson. That would ruin my journalism reputation.
It would ruin your journalism reputation. For every tiny bit that you feel bad for Bryson, that's actually a little bit of your heart that could be going to feeling good for Brooks.
I feel great for Brooks. I always root on Brooks.
They're not like you can love you can love no actually you're wrong that's actually wrong because you're spending so much energy hating bryson i'm using my energy for love for brooks putting my guy up and also max in my head max i only have to put in the energy twice twice a week because he never makes the cut but i'm putting some energy energy into Max Friday and Saturday, Thursday and Friday. Those are big

days for me and Max. It turns

out that Bryson's caddy was the one that was living rent-free in

Bryson's head. Apparently, he got

mad at his caddy because Phil Mickelson the day

before pretended to bend one of his clubs.

And Bryson was like, yo, why did you have my back on that?

And then there was another instance where

Bryson went over and started signing some autographs for fans like his two both of them were there and uh his caddy forgot to like bring his putter between the 10th and 11th green and so that was the final straw they got into an argument or whatever I don't know how much of that's true I just also I have no room no room in my my heart for Bryson's. No Bryson's allowed.
This is a, this is no Bry zone right over here. Okay.
Uh, it's also like just being, you know, like at midnight for the Instagram, making your caddy stand there with his iPhone flashlight battery on so that he can, he can hit shots that are not going to help him beat Brooks anyway, because Brooks beats his brains in every time they go one-on-one. But yeah, I mean, I do feel for the caddy.
The caddy's welcome to come on the show. We'd love to hear a tell-all.
But yeah, I won't bring it up ever again. I'm not even saying that I'm going to stop hating Bryson.
I'm saying if there's a small part of me as a human being that's like this guy it sucks to be him man being being a father big cat has really your perspective yeah i think other people sometimes so rich as fun once in a while i think about other people besides myself i am sorry i'm sorry the guy makes millions of dollars playing golf. Yeah.
He doesn't have a fucking friend in his life.

Because of dollars. He doesn't have a fucking friend in his life.
Because of himself, that should be a wake-up call. See, he does have friends, Big Cat.
You don't watch his Instagram videos like I do. His buddy is in the background, shirtless in his garage, hitting the Nautilus machine super hard.
Those guys are his friends. Those aren't friends those are friends using them they're using them for his resistance bands yeah they're using them so that they can fucking get some protein shakes and some gains on it's pretty clear billy would be his friend if he if he could use his gym he absolutely would you know i don't know i don't think i don't think billy would ever lower himself to to using a nautilus machine yeah that's true that's pussy shit oh billy uh he has terrible curl form like he doesn't actually work out like he doesn't use half those machines you can tell also what one thing i've noticed about bryson he doesn't even look that big when he's not wearing his stupid dropkick Murphy's hat.
Yeah, he does look less. Yeah, beefy.
Yeah, his head looks smaller when he's wearing a normal person's hat. I think he's pulling the wool over our eyes.
So I'm out on Bryson. You can continue.
I am too. You guys are totally misunderstanding what I'm saying.
I'm still still very much out on him I still very much don't like him I want him to lose all the time because it's very funny but I just I have a small piece of me where I'm like man this guy no one likes him no one likes him you see you see like Jeffrey Dahmer and you're like you know what you're right. Yeah, the guy who ate people.
You're right. Good analogy.
He was good around children. That's how you got to try to find the – yeah, you're right.
That's exactly correct. No, you're like, look at old JD.
He liked to make people laugh, so not all bad. Damn.
You're right. You're right.
I'm too soft. I wish I could be as hard as you guys all the time.
Yeah, me too. All right.
Let's get to Dungeons and Dragons. We got Tim Woods.
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You read the episode description, so you know it's back. Dungeons and Dragons with our very, very special guest and good friend and Dragon Master, Tim Woods, who is back in person.
Dungeon Master? Dungeon Master, Dragon Master? Dungeon Master or Game Master? Game Master. Dragon Master, though.
Also, Tim Woods. Strong vibes.
Verified on Twitter. Yeah, Tim, all right.
Fuck yeah, clap for Tim. You sold out.
All right. Clap for Tim.
Pretty excited, too. Yeah, absolutely.
I love it. Okay, so Tim, it's been a while.
Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
We have the whole crew here. Absolutely.
Great to be back. Wait, wait.
Can we just start with a good absolutely, Tim? Tim? Absolutely, 100%. Yes.
Okay, so it's been a while. Good to be back.
People probably don't remember where we are in our journey. And by people, I mean we don't.
I mean, myself included, it's been a while. We're going to jump back into things kind of after a long session.
But I do know that we ended things on an exciting cliffhanger. And that's what we'll be picking things up.
The game never ends. It's just always going on.
All right, so give us the synopsis recap like previously on Dungeons & Dragons. Absolutely.
So on our previous episode of D&D, we had made a journey where very few adventurers, especially at level four, end up going into the nine hells because we were pursuing somebody who is not alive, somebody who is facing off against a powerful demonic creature known as the chemist, our old companion, Berserker Billy. We know it was having a bit of a showdown in the nine hells at the top of a very powerful huge tower where this demon waited.

And we made our way to the top of this tower successfully with the help of some of our baby dragons. I've put a smattering of little dragons on the map to show that our little dragons are here.
They flew us up to the top of this tower successfully, where we saw a confrontation culminate between the chemist himself and our old friend-turned-nemesis, Berserker Billy. We saw the chemist, as he rose up to have a great confrontation, seemingly go down pretty easily.
All things concerned, the chemist has fallen without too much of a fight, and now Berserker Billy stands triumphant over this enemy. I want to start things off by just saying that we are all level four right now, but Berserker Billy, to keep things interesting, I want to reward you for your successful battle against the Chemist.
I didn't see anybody else fight the Chemist, so Berserker Billy, you... Chemist took a dive.
It's debatable. It did seem like he had a lot more hit points.
No, Billy's in war mode. Seems like he had a lot more hit points, and he just fell over the chemist.
He is lying prone at the top of this tower. And, Berserker Billy, you are level six right now.
Whereas the other characters are only level four at the moment. Now, they are on the very cusp of level five.
Anything that we might do could level us up to level five. But right now, Berserker Billy, you're standing a step ahead with a little bit more hit points and a little bit more magic.
I thought Billy was dead. You killed him like six times.
He is dead. He's like the Kenny of South Park of our D&D game.
I think he's died every episode. He is now a Goliath in his infernal afterlife form.
Technically speaking, you are not a Goliath at all, but really a devilish creature who has still the form of your original life as Berserker Billy. He's a dead level six.
He's a dead level six. A hollow level six.
Because I was going to say, if this somehow turns out that Billy wins this game, you're in trouble in real life. Okay.
Just want to say we're armed and dangerous. Yeah.
Fake weapons. All right.
So this is exciting. So the chemist and Billy Berserker Billy have gone at it.
We're sitting there watching and we're ready to roll. It seems like as the chemist went down, first of all, a wave of Regenerex-fueled energy is flowing out from him.
And all of us are back up to full hit points and full spell slots. So we don't need to worry about anything that we did in previous sessions in terms of taking wounds.
Ehrlich, notably the warlock, had taken some wounds, I believe, from some flames. But Ehrlich, you are regenerated back up to your full hit points at the moment we have all of our resources but that goes for berserker Billy as well no Hank is trying to get the mask on while it's on he's got a full face mask full like a helmet the headphones are an issue I don't think they really thought of podcast recording and when made this helmet.
We gotta make a podcast helmet. Yeah.
Okay, so where are we starting? Absolutely. In theory, we are looking at Berserker Billy standing triumphant over the form of the chemist which is rapidly dissolving before us.
And I would be wondering, we kind of left things on the note where we were going to maybe have a confrontation, potentially against Berserker Billy. However, if we were to do that, it just became a little bit tougher if we were going to try to take him down.
Also, keep in mind, we have a mission here. We have a gemstone that was handed to Ehrlich that was given to us by our dragon friends who are helping us take care of all these dragon babies, and we were told that this gem needs to be filled with the soul of one powerful spirit.
One powerful spirit is now being defeated before us, and we could try to bind that one, but there's another person here who qualifies as a powerful spirit, and if we want to bind anybody here in the Nine Hells into this gem, we need a price that will be paid to the mighty Undead Wizard who's going to make armor for all of our baby dragons so they can fight in Dragon Ball. So right now we need a soul, but it's our choice.
We're going to be training our team, but they need uniforms first. And if we go to the Undead Wizard, he's not going to give us those uniforms

unless we have a soul

in this ruby that was entrusted to

Ehrlich. So we're going to need one

soul, but it's up to us which

soul we want to grab.

We could get Billy's.

How

badly after this fight

does Berserker Billy feel like he

needs to take a break? Because he might want to just volunteer and leave our journey for a while and kind of lay low. Maybe just put himself into the gym.
He could sacrifice himself and just jump into the gym and you could be traveling with him. It's one of the ways you can get out of the nine hells.
It's not the worst thing that could happen to you. That would be kind of a cool bro move.
I'm looking at the gym right now now, and it's pretty sick. If I were to be trapped in my soul for all eternity, that's a pretty bitchin' thing to do.
You don't know what it would be like to be in a gym. So, in the gym, what exactly would I be doing? It's unclear what would happen to you if you were in the gym.
Just be chillin'. You don't know what it would feel like.
Maybe you'd have no memories of it. Maybe you'd only remember coming back out of it, like when you're asleep.
Or it could be horrible. Could it revive me? It could revive you, potentially, depending on what they do with the soul once they bring it out of the nine hells.
We're gonna soul fuck you. I'm not getting in the gem.
I will only get in the gem if you guarantee it's me. I just wanted to be honest with you, Billy.
I will fuck your soul. It's occurring to me I might stay in the nine hells too, potentially.
I'm staying in hell. Yeah.
Okay. Don't we get to decide? You in theory know, Ehrlich, having studied this ruby, that it does have the power to trap a spirit, but only after that spirit has been defeated, after its hit points have been reduced to zero.
Okay. I say we just steal a soul.
We just steal a soul. We push them into the gym.
Non-consensual soul-stealing. Full hit points right now, Billy.
Just give up, Billy. Did I just heal everybody? No, you did not.
Way to take credit for Tim's work. No, but didn't I just release healing for everybody? The chemist, when defeated by you, released a wave of healing energy.
But he took a dive. I healed everybody.
But he took a dive. But you didn't beat up the chemist to heal us.
You did it because you wanted more clout. You wanted $50,000.
No, the chemist was going to jump. What? Are you serious? How much was it? The chemist was going to seduce Big Cat's boss's wife.
Yeah. And so that's why you beat the chemist up.
Right. Yeah.
Only for that reason. He honor Which I appreciate And you saved his marriage Yeah I will say I will like to That was mean We're still grieving okay They could get back together Could I just like Can we just like leave me alone No Is that an option No I mean you gotta pull What do The people want People want us to soul fuck them What are you gonna do? Let me ask you this If we did leave you alone What would your plan of action be? Good question If you were like Can you come like chill and help us? I'd be like yeah So you do whatever we ask? Yeah Would you lie to us us? No.
That was a lie. That was a lie.
I'm literally in hell. I don't have that many options.
Yeah, we're still going to soul fuck you. Yeah, let's soul fuck you.
Billy, your soul is going into the ruby. Yep.
Sorry. Do I have a choice? No.
No. But I'm a level six.
No, sorry. Your choice would be to defend yourself.
You can't get trapped in the gem as long as you have hit points. Guys, I really don't want to fight you guys.
Well, then don't. We're going to fight your ass.
I don't want to fight you guys. Then just do it.
Yeah, then just give it to us. That's the easy way to do this.
There's an easy and a hard way. We can either take your soul or you can give us your soul.
But I would end up killing at least one of you by the time you got my soul. You don't know that.
You don't know that. I'm a level six.
Okay. Well, let's find out.
I'm a level six. Hey, roll the dice.
Try us and find out. Fuck around.
Find out. Yeah.
Okay. I'll just get into the gem.
All right. Okay.
Let's go. Hop in the gem.
But you better let me out. Because I am the strongest one.
You just signed on the other side. You guys are going to.
We'll let you out. You're right.
Okay. All right.
So we got Billy's soul. I'm trusting you.
All right, so... We have stolen his soul.
Tim, who gets to, like, carry the ruby? Like, is it on a chain? It was given to Ehrlich, but only because Ehrlich's the warlock here. You're the master of dark magic.
If anyone can trap a soul... Well, we've got Cake the Wizard as well, but in theory, this is kind of demonic magic, your speciality.
So I was handed to you. What we do with the gem is up to the team.
It would be a real shame if you misplaced that soul. Maybe drop it.
How much is there like a black market? Yes. Oh, there's a huge black market for souls.
Depending on how powerful they are, the black market goes pretty far down also. There are beings that consume souls that eventually those souls are getting sold to.

Yeah, what's the going rate?

Let's sell his soul to Deloitte and make him an accountant for the rest of his life.

I was going to say, can we sell his soul to Bleach Report?

Can we have a game going?

It would be worth a lot of money.

It would be worth over 10,000 gold pieces. So we're talking about more money than we've ever gotten in our adventure.
Hell yes. Berserker Billy, clarify for me.
You said you were willing to get into the gem, but I want to be clear about this. You would have needed to be like, either somebody come attack me or drive your own hammer.
You wield a hammer, so crush your head or something like that. Oh, so wait.
Can I just run away? No, you already signed. You already signed.
I didn't sign. You said you were getting into the gem.
Yeah, you got in the gem. How did you get in the gem? Tell us how you did it.
Can I just run away? No. But I didn't roll in dice.
Yeah, you can run directly into the gem. No dice were rolled, so I didn't see any damage happening yet.
I heard you wanted to get into the gym, and I would have wondered what you did. Billy, we were just joking about all that stuff selling your soul.
I just want to run away. Just let me live in hell.
This was a test, Billy. If you had willingly gotten into the gym, we would have been like, okay, we're setting you free.
Yeah. And you failed.
We will set you free if you get into the gym. Honestly, you gave me really no confidence about the gym.
That was just a prank. Yeah, I'm just going to run away.
There was some time you would have had to walk to them before you could have gotten in the gem or hurt yourself or done anything, and at some point you've started to get suspicious. You can try to run away.
There's not many places to go but back down from this tower. When we see him start running, what would the rest of us be doing? I would be telling everybody, like, hey, just so you know, this guy's soul is worth less money now because he's proven to be a liar.
It's actually valid. Yeah.
Wait, so he's running deeper into hell. It seems like he's trying to run deeper into hell.
You can descend down the tower the same way we are. Let him go.
Have fun. Yeah.
All, see you, Billy. No one's taking attacks as you run away, Billy.
Do you run for the trap door? Is that right? The door that leads back down? Sure. Yeah.
Absolutely. As you run for that, no one's trying to stop him? It's like a spring break.
Billy's negotiation was so bad. Let him go.
Let him go. Oh, no.
It's the rumspringer. Oh, no.
Don't go, Billy. Please.
Please, don't go deeper into hell.

I would like for you to roll a d20 to climb down the tower. Oh, shit.
I hope you don't get a high roll here. Wait, guys.
I'm going to chase him. I'm coming after you, Billy.
Wait, come back. Roll a d20, and you have a plus six on athletics.
Wait. Roll it on the ground.
16. I see a 16.
Oh, no. He's deeper down.
You climb down the chains and tubes of steroids that were hanging from this tower,

and you're able to jump, and you see just a sea of lava out before you.

But, but I have to be fair, there's still an open portal,

but you don't know if you can take it.

There's an open portal about 200 feet away from the tower,

and then just hell, that's it.

Just all of the plane of Avernus, one of the top layers of hell,

I'll see what happens there, or we could run for the portal. The portal might not necessarily be hell, right? The portal definitely leads out of hell.
You can see hell and then one little window of, like, green forest, but they can use it because they're still alive. You're dead and in hell, technically.
You don't know what will happen if you use this portal. I get out of hell.
You run for the portal. Absolutely makes sense.
I go for the portal. As you run for the portal with that athletics check, you're making it sprinting.
The others might be able to watch you as you're running for this portal from the top of the tower as he sprints for the portal. Are we doing anything or just letting him run? Can I do like the Wile E.
Coyote? Can I paint over the door so it's just like a cement wall that he runs into? You can't, but somebody here has illusion magic. The bard can do this.
Yeah, I'd like to paint a tunnel, like a train tunnel. So I want to be very clear.
You'll make a train tunnel appear. He might not know it, but it won't actually stop him.
It'll just be an illusion. Is that okay? That's fine.
All right, cool, cool. Straighten the wall.
So all you see, Berserker Billy, is as you're running for this beautiful forest window leading out of hell back to the material plane.

Suddenly, it changes into a train tunnel.

And there's a burr-burr, and like a train is rushing at you.

Roll an intelligent saving throw to see if you can figure out what is really going on here.

You have a plus zero on this, I'm sorry to say.

If you want to roll on the floor, then you usually turn up a flatter result. Can I drop an anvil on his head? That'll be an illusory anvil rolling down on him, yes.
100%. You gotta jump through or else you're gonna...
A natural 20! It turns... Thank you so much.
It turns translucent. You can see right through it, you know an illusion when you see one, maybe it was the anvil above

where you're like, this doesn't add up

and you are able to see

these don't, aren't real, and therefore

if they hit you, they can't hurt you

now that you know they're not real, and you could

jump right through this train tunnel

to get through the portal

you think, to the material plane

so, does that mean they can't

see where I go in the portal, because of their own illusion?

um, yeah, yeah, actually

I'm sorry. to get through the portal, you think, to the material plane.
So does that mean they can't see where I go in the portal because of their own illusion? Yeah. Yeah, actually, their own illusion is currently concealing the portal, although you can see through it because it's your illusion.
Okay. Yeah, just go through the portal.
So you jump through the portal, and Berserker Billy, I want you to roll a d20 to see how successful your return to the material plane is.

Double hell. I literally just might die right here.

You're already dead. We'll double

die.

Let's see what we got. That is

a 10. We weren't

adding anything to that, so it's the perfect

average result I predicted.

You come flying out of the portal.

You made it. Somehow this portal allowed you a damned soul to return from hell.
And then you look at your body, and it's not your body. Please roll a knowledge.
Did you lose all your games? You a weak boy now? All right, here we go. I'll even put out my book next time.
Jake, you help us. A critical hit.
You know exactly what you have become right now, Berserker Billy, because you've seen it before. Your friend, quote-unquote, Ehrlich, has a little minion known as an imp named Lola.
You are also an imp right now. Yes.
You do not have any of your spells. You don't have any of your stats.
You only have the same stats as an imp. Tim, I have a quick question.
I've heard that imps, they primarily dine on vegetables and fruits and seeds. They don't really like eating meat.
Is that true? What's interesting about that is technically they can eat whatever they want, but they're punished in such a way that the only things they can eat are things that they didn't like eating when they were alive. So it's always the food that they didn't like.
So no meat. If they loved meat when they were alive, then you can't even eat it.
It's poison. And imps can't procreate, right? Imps don't have generally any.

Flat like a kindle down there.

You do, however, have a scorpion

tail. It can poison

people. He's a eunuch.
And you can turn

invisible, and you can turn

into a raven, a spider,

or a rat. Am I still

level six? You are not level six anymore.

I'm sorry to say you're an imp instead.

Come on, Billy.

You said you're a vegan. You're a vegan imp.
Can I just kill myself again? You might want to. No, he's not strong enough.
He's not strong enough to kill yourself. Kill myself.
Kill myself. If you kill yourself, all that will happen is you'll return to hell, and you'll stay an imp.
Oh. Oh, an imp in hell.
Damn. This is like the worst decision ever.
Yeah. You are currently in the material plane.
I'm going to say that at the very least, our Bard Wayne can see you looking at yourself and maybe screaming in a horror. Would any of us be doing anything as this information is traded around? Laughing at him.
We don't have him. We're laughing at him? Yes.
We also don't have a soul right now, but the body of the chemist is still disintegrating i want to highlight that and berserker billy i'm going to say you were a cleric in life the god of the goliaths the god of competition and sports the god kavaki the ram lord may take pity on you you can roll one more time to see as you try to figure out, is there a way to restore yourself from your imp form? Oh, boy. We're going to take a break from Dungeons & Dragons to talk to you guys about cross-country mortgage.
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Another critical hit. That would make three today, I think.
That is unbelievable. You know there is a holy site somewhere nearby, actually, in the mountains that is sacred to Kavaki.
And if you can make it there, he may restore you to life. And if you do a good job with it, he may even restore you at level six, potentially.
I will let other people here. What would you be doing when you make that realization? It's given to you as a vision from Kavaki.
Just try to get there as fast as possible? You start flying there. I will let everybody here try an insight check on the imp to notice that he seems to have a plan as he flies away on the other side of the portal.
Okay, which dice am I using here? It's going to be the D20. Oh, here we go.
Got some D20s there. Alright, so we're all rolling? I'll go.

I got a 5.

Not great. Not great.

We need at least a 15.

That's exactly what I got. 15 right here.

15, absolutely. And you're getting to add

your Arcana or History bonus.

And I think you do have at least a plus

4, so that's like a 9 time. I got a 3 Arcana.

I've got a 3 History. Okay, excellent.
So with a 15 plus three, that's an 18. Oh, sorry.
This is an Insight check, I should have said. So do you have an Insight bonus under your skills? Insight, I have no.
I don't see Insight. No Insight.
Still with a plus zero. You are able, just barely to tell.
That imp has a plan. If anybody got a 20 or higher on their insight check, give it a roll.
20. That's a 20! Okay, that means Ehrlich the Warlock.
Guess who else knows about sacred sites in the mountain? You know where he's going exactly right now. So you don't know if you can cut him off at the pass unless you have some kind of a plan.
You know exactly how fast he is.

He's as fast as your imp, which is faster than most of us.

Not faster than your imp, ironically.

So if we have a...

And maybe not faster than our dragons.

Ooh.

Jake, you want to roll?

He might be able to keep pace.

Yeah, I rolled a 10.

Absolutely.

With a 10, you are kind of privy to some of this information.

Okay.

With a 12, you kind of saw him fleeing, but you're hearing from the others that he has a plan, and you know where he's going. And we are at the top of the tower.
In theory, our main quest here was to get a soul, so we could still grab the soul before we leave and chase Berserker Billy, or we can do whatever we want here. In theory, we can get on the dragons, cut them off.

We need the soul, right?

Because we've got to make the uniform.

We do need a soul, and he should be a strong enough soul contained within that imp four.

Perfect.

So let's just get him.

Could they have used the chemist's soul the whole time?

They could have used it.

What the fuck, guys?

That shit is poison.

Bad soul.

Yeah.

It's actually the worst soul.

He's soulless.

Yeah.

Let's get this imp's soul so we can make our uniforms.

I'm sorry. That shit is poison.
Bad soul. Yeah.
It's actually the worst soul. He's soulless.
Yeah. Let's get this imp's soul so we can make our uniforms.
Absolutely. With your dragon's help, they could try flying you through the portal and try to run down Berserker Billy the Imp.
But each of our dragons are going to need to make an athletics check. So I'd like each of us to roll two d20s and take the higher d20

for our dragons. They only have a

plus zero really on this.

20, 18. Natural 20.
You're doing fine.

Don't even worry about the second roll. I can't do any

better. 5, 20.

20. Another 20? Excellent.

Both of you are great. We're going to have to

see your roll in a second, that means. Probably not that good.

18. 18, absolutely.
7. 7, and...
20. 20! You are noticing, Berserker Billy, as you fly for the mountains in your imp form, you think you're doing great, then suddenly, in bursts of elemental energy, poison, fire, lightning, these dragons are coming through the portal, they are moving full speed towards you.
And they are moving so fast and with the wind they are overtaking you. Unless you can also roll a d20 right now.
Can I just say real quick, just chasing after imp-ass Billy is just so fucking funny. Oh, I'm having a great time.
I love how Billy could have just gotten into it. He could have gotten in.
And he's like, no, you know what? I'm just going to leave you guys. You said you were going to...
What were you going to do to my soul? I was going to fuck it. I was actually going to...
We were exploring the options. I was going to...
But you could have taken the other soul the whole time. No, but your soul is younger and tighter.
If you had... I would have taken your soul.
I would have given it to my team of dragons before the Dragon Ball. Let them pass you around a little bit, get loose.

Team bonding. Phoenix Suns.
18. 18.
That is not quite enough, unfortunately, because we had a bunch of critical hits. Close.
Close, though. Good job, Billy.
Because your total's a 21, and they got critical hits, but technically they only got 20s, I'm going to say this. They haven't caught up to biting range or melee range, but they can breathe their elemental blasts at you.
So I am going to ask a question. Let's see.
The three people who got critical hits, let's start with you, Cake. Cake the Wizard, which dragons would you have taken?

Your choices are, again, Irvin, the prismatic dragon.

We don't know what he shoots out of his breath weapon.

You also have the two white dragons, Stephen A and B.

You have the black dragon, Skip 1 and 2.

You have the green dragon, Mellow.

The blue dragon, LiAngelo, I think. is that right? And the red dragon, Lonzo.
Which would you like to take? Wow, those are some great options there. You need two dragons to fly you, because they're little dragons.
Okay, I'm going to go with Mellow. It's a wild pick.
Absolutely. And then we're going to go with Irvin, the first one.
Absolutely. Irvin and Mellow, then.
I'm going to say they're the first to catch up with you right now, Berserker Billy. Are you telling them fire all breath weapons? Try to take them out of the air? Absolutely.
Then, first of all, poison shoots out of Mellow the green dragon's mouth. She is upset, as it has no effect on an imp, unfortunately.
So that breath weapon didn't work. But then the prismatic dragon shoots out poison and fire, neither of which does anything.
And then also lightning and cold and other energy that does hurt this imp. I'm going to need to see a saving throw for you, Berserker Billy, to see if you can avoid this blast.
You have a plus three, and as long as you can get like a 15, you'll take no damage. Sorry to say, with a 13.
Go ahead and roll. This will be about 2d6.
If you have any of this perfect, I'm going to pass this over to you. Actually, I know how many hit points you have, but it's 3d6, unfortunately, coming your way.
So it's gonna be all three of those, and tell me

how much damage you end up with.

We're going one at a time, or all three? All three added

together. Alright.

You're gonna have 15 hit points.

2, 4, 6. The evens.

2, 4, 6. So that's already

12

out of 15 of the hit

points that this imp has right now.

He is almost down. And then we still had two other people who are catching up right now.
Were you catching up? Yes, I had a 20. Absolutely.
Then I would like to see what dragons were you going to bring? I'll go with Steven B and Skip 2. Absolutely.
So it's like Shannon and Max. Yes.
Absolutely. You are getting skip two, Stephen B, a white and a black dragon, and they are shooting cold and acid energy.
The acid isn't dealing full damage, but the cold is dealing full damage, and so roll one saving throw against both of them. Honestly, if you don't pass this one, the combined damage is going to be enough.
You only have three hit points. You should just give up, Billy.
You're probably not going to get it. I want to die.
I'm an imp. Yeah.
You're a simp. Critical hit.
No damage. Get in the fucking movie.
We've got one more chance. Ehrlich, what dragons are you taking with you? I think I'll take LiAngelo and Lonzo and make LeVar's dream come true.
All the dragons on one team. Absolutely love it.
The dragons come swooping in. The blue and red dragon are the two most powerful of the Wyrmlings, except for that prismatic one.
We don't know what's going on there. But those two dragons, as they come cruising in, breathe fire.
Unfortunately, no damage for the fire, but the blue dragon breathes lightning. Roll a saving throw versus the blue dragon's lightning because it is one of the strongest dragons.
This will take you down. No batter, no batter, no batter, no batter, no batter.
I just want this to be over. It is over.
You are vaporized by a blast of lightning. Can we do it slowly, though? It is electricity.
The dragon is able to shoot out a thin stream of lightning and then just keep tasing you for the better part of it. Don't tase me, bro.
Absolutely very much so. And then Ehrlich, as his body starts to vaporize, it's only an imp's body.
It's vaporizing very quickly unless you roll a dexterity-based check with a plus two.

You're not going to trap this soul in time.

Go ahead and give it a roll.

But you knew your dragons were helping you out here.

You can roll two times and take the higher result.

Just die.

Just die.

Just die.

Two.

Two.

Just die.

Just die.

Just die.

Ten.

Ten.

Plus two is 12. And that is just barely enough to trap Preserver Billy's soul inside the gem.
The good news is, in the gem, suddenly you find yourself a 6th level cleric once more of the Ram Lord, a Goliath, looking at yourself. But everything's red.
It's like you are immersed in red light, and it's very like Twin Peaks vibes. You're standing in what looks like a checkered floor with pillars all around you that disappear into darkness.
It's just everything tinged red. As you try to leave this room, the floor just keeps moving.
It's like any direction you move in, it just goes on forever. As you look around, you can see the edges of the gem wall, but you can't reach out to them.
Tim, let me just... In this room, there are no Coors Light, right? There are no alcohol and beverages whatsoever.
He's in a gym. Are you making that sound like a gym?

Like, can he work out?

It's a planet fitness.

If he works out too hard,

there's a lunk alarm that goes off.

He gets smashed.

Can I be just left alone in this gym, though?

You are?

So here's the thing.

So I'm safe, kind of.

In a certain sense, yes, you are safe.

If they want to affect you in any way,

they need to get kind of creative at this point.

But there are ways that Ehrlich in particular

might be aware of that this soul

So, In a certain sense, yes, you are safe. If they want to affect you in any way, they need to get kind of creative at this point.
But there are ways that Ehrlich in particular might be aware of that this soul, at the very least, can be put into something else. I have a quick question here about the soul.
Could we, in theory, take the gem and then feed it to the chemist? And then reinvigorate the chemist with Billy's soul inside of it? Yes, you 100% could try to do that. The chemist's soul is somewhere still around hell, just defeated, and if you go find him, you might be able to revitalize him with the power from his soul.
I would like to have the chemist on our side because he's bigger than Billy, so he's probably way stronger. Way taller.
Yeah, way taller, heavier, so if we could roll with him, but with Billy's soul inside of it rejuvenating, that might be cool. Seems like it would really empower him.
Yeah. You guys want to hang out with Jose? Yeah.
Dude, he's kind of sweet. Yeah, he's pretty awesome.
Low key. 40-40, man.
So how do we do that? In theory, you can go bring this gem back. The portal's already open.

No need to open another portal.

Your dragons fly you through once more to hunt down the soul of the chemist.

Whoever has the best arcana score here.

Oh, but I do have to give advantage to the warlock.

See if you can track him down with an arcana roll.

The warlock would have advantage, but you have the best arcana check.

Plus six.

Plus six, exactly. So if you want to give it a roll, I'll let you know if you think you know where the soul would have advantage, but you have the best Arcana check.
Plus six. Plus six, exactly.

So if you want to give it a roll, I'll let you know if you think you know where the soul would have gone. All right.
17. 17.
And was that including your... Plus six, 23.
Oh, 23. With a 23 total.
You know exactly what to do here. His soul is still in the tower right now.
In fact, if we were to come back into this room with the cool arena stage where the two of them had faced off, you would think underneath that stage, there had been that archway, there's going to be a stone embedded in the tower or maybe a piece of bone, some sort of a phylactery that's containing the essence of this devilish creature. And if you were to go there, put the gem against it and do a quick ritual that one of you could do with an arcana check, then you would be able to reinvigorate the chemist.
Would you like to go through the portal and do that? Yeah, let's do it. Absolutely.
You get back to the tower. All the devils who were there before scatter when they see us this time.
They've learned better. We've defeated the chemist, in a sense.
Yeah, we did, yeah. And then as we flew in, we do in fact see it's not a bone or a stone, but a strange, like, pillar that is shaped kind of like a needle a little bit, poking up.
And then you are noticing that this is where his essence has retreated into. You can roll another arcana check or the warlock to see.
This will actually be plus your spell attack bonus, which is still a plus six. Doesn't make a difference.
Here we go. Five plus six, 11.
11 is not quite enough. It does not release him, but it doesn't suffuse his power.
And you hear the chemist getting angry with him. He is starting to rise up and he's starting to like regather a form of some kind.
You could try again, but it would be with disadvantage, unless you want the Warlock to step in and try. I'm going to hand it off to my teammate.
Absolutely. Good call.
Warlock, you would have advantage. If you roll two times, you'll also have a plus six on this, but you have advantage, because this is your speciality.
Two? You can roll a second time now with advantage. Come on, Hank.
Can I give him inspiration? Yes, you can. Let's go on.
I'm doing the thing where the guy holds his teammate's chin up. Roll a d6 to see how much...
Sorry about that, my bet. To see how much you are giving him as a bonus.
Two. Plus two.
Shit. So you can roll another time now with an extra plus two, so it's plus eight.
Uh-oh. Four.
Four. Okay.
Four was still the higher roll, but with a plus eight. It's a 12.
The chemist is getting angrier. We have one try left.
Now, that means you could try, Wayne, with your Arcana. You only have, I think, a plus three or a plus three.
So you could try it, or you could try it, Cake, with disadvantage, or you could try it with just one roll, Hank. It would be up to you if you want to risk it, or you could try it.
Both of you would get one roll, but at this point you would get disadvantage. I'll do a LeBron James at the end of the game.
I'll pass it off to my teammates. Absolutely.
Love it. Yeah, good teammate.
Let's see how it goes. All right.
You're the bard, so maybe you can convince this devil to receive this energy.

14.

Okay.

14 plus three.

Plus three.

17. 17 is just barely enough.
You are able to convince the chemist to feed upon this soul energy. And the next thing you know, Berserker Billy, you are being pulled like a fish on a hook

out of the gemstone

and into this giant

silver syringe

and then bursting out of it.

It shatters and

standing in the center

is the chemist once more

spreading his mighty wings,

flexing his beefy muscles,

but you can see

embedded in his chest

a helmet with horns sticking out of it. Like it's stitched into his body and then inside the helmet these eyes light up.
And what do you say, Berserker Billy? Wait, where am I? You are inside the body of the chemist right now. You can't move.
You're just ahead again. He boofed you.
And you are implanted on his chest, kind of like that little guy in Total Recall. Jesus.
We're crying in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That was a much better pull.
Thank. Thank you.
Oh, I love it. I'm just like, whatever.
Absolutely. You say whatever, and he roars with laughter and says, I live once more.
He grabs these two tubes, just jams them into his body. You see his muscles growing even bigger, and you feel juiced up as well, except you only feel his arms.
You don't have any ability to control them. You don't think you do.
Would you like to attempt to control the body? Can I just be left alone? Can I just remember, what was our original, what were we supposed to be doing right now? We need a soul still. We haven't gotten a soul yet now.
It's about the friends we made along the way. It's about the friends we made.
That's the important thing. I have a question.
So one of my powers that I have, my spells is the Zone of Truth. Absolutely, yes.
So it's just like, you have to be honest. You get a saving throw, but you know if they pass a saving throw and as long as they, they have to tell the truth.
Yeah, I would like to know how good of a teammate exactly Cake would be. How good his sportsmanship is.
Would Cake sacrifice his soul for the good of the rest of us to go play in the Dragon Ball? Absolutely. Or is he just being polite when he would say something like that? You're asking Cake the Wizard this.
So, Cake the Wizard, you don't even know he needs to roll or kind of, you know a Zone of Truth spell when it gets cast.

You're asked to step into the circle.

Would you willingly do this?

I would gladly sacrifice for the sake of the team.

Now you have the option to just say I'm failing the saving throw and automatically fail it so that you'll have to tell the truth.

Do you want to do that or do you want to roll to see if you can lie?

Whatever is best for the team.

I'm not a liar.

Absolutely.

So you voluntarily fail the saving throw.

Now it's like liar, liar. Anytime you try the truth a lie, the truth will come out instead.
And what do you want to ask Cake? You ask him if he'll be a good teammate? Cake, will you go ahead and sacrifice yourself? Will you slit your own throat and hop into this gym? Absolutely. Wow.
Wow. And that is the truth, Cake? Absolutely.
That's awesome. I mean, Cake, to be fair, as the wizard, you'd know the kind of thing where it's like, if we needed to, we could get my soul back and put it back into my body.
You know magic for doing that. The only reason I'm asking is, it sounds like we're kind of out of options.
I'll cut his neck. Absolutely.
So he doesn't have to do it himself. That's the new cone of truth.

How do you want to die?

Whatever gives you guys the most pleasure.

Okay, I'll cut your neck.

Okay, you can cut my neck.

Absolutely.

And I just want to check, Cake,

is there any reason you would want to make an arcana check

to see if you know before you get your neck cut

whether there's another soul we could grab somewhere around here?

I don't want to show any signs of betrayal.

Absolutely. Just making sure.
Check to see. Check to see.
Maybe there's another soul we could grab somewhere around here. I don't want to show any signs of betrayal.
Absolutely. Just making sure.
Check to see. Check to see.
Maybe there's another soul. There might be other souls we could grab.
There could be one nearby, Jake. Are you being honest? Yes.
Okay. You know what I think would be best for the team? If Jake at least showed a little bit of curiosity to know, like, hey, maybe I don't have to die.
If the team thinks that's the best, then I will do it. That's what the team thinks.
So the team is the test. The team is going to ask you to cut your neck.
You are going to be putting your soul into the gem. Is that right? Yes.
Absolutely. Wait, wait.
He said he wanted me to do it. Are we just creating a superhuman with Billy and Jake combined? Wait, Jake, are you saying that you don't want to cut your own neck? I'm so confused.
No, I will cut the neck for you. I'm curious to know if there's another soul around.
Jake didn't seem that interested, but I think that Jake, or excuse me, Cake should be interested to know if there's a soul around. So you want, as a team, wants Cake to be interested in this.
Is that right? I just like him to be, I don't really care about the result. I just want him to be interested.
Would you like to roll an arcana check? Absolutely. Get a 15 or higher.
You might know about other devilish spirits around here. 18.
18. That's before the arcana bonus.
Plus 6. 24.
Plus 6. 24.
Wow. You absolutely know with the 24 that this region of hell is not run by the chemist at all.
He is just a prisoner here in this one tower. This whole sea of lava in this domain is ruled by an evil archdevil called Zariel, a fallen angel.
But she has a lieutenant somewhere nearby. A lieutenant who is kind of a winged creature that dual wields short swords, who is a little bit of a roguish devil who lurks around here.

He's powerful enough.

He's a good target, and he'd be by himself.

That if you wanted to hunt this guy down, you could bind his soul instead, or you could offer up your own.

Either one would be fine.

Zario sounds kind of hot.

Is it an X or a Z?

Z.

Oh, okay.

Absolutely.

Z-A-R-I-E-L.

She's got a vibe. She's got a real vibe.
What do my teammates want? I just want you to want to live, Jake. Is that too much? Then I want to live.
I kind of want you to kill yourself. Well, we've got to split points here.
Hank? Hank? You're third? Oh, boy. Henry? Oh.
Take him out So Cake You know what's funny is You are the one person who if you put your soul Into this gem and we hand it off to the lich And he's like thanks for the soul Throws it in the vault with all the others You might be the one one who could escape, potentially. Oh, so this is actually smart.
This might be a smart investment, and we don't need any soul. I knew what I was doing.
Yeah. We're doing this for you.
Just to help you. Right.
We could yoink you back. We could help with that, but also you're a wizard.
It's the kind of thing you might be able to do yourself. I absolutely will.
And it might even be. Billy, I won't.
You are well. It also might be exciting for you to be kind of loose in the undead wizard's tower, potentially, without him keeping tabs on you or knowing that you're there.
So now you're, in many ways, stowed away inside this gem. It's an opportunity.
We're keeping you safe. And you are sacrificed.
If you do it as a ritual, there is no role necessary. Your soul is transferred into the gem, and you experience the same thing that Berserker Billy had experienced.
Except I got people by my back. You look out, you can wave, and you can see them kind of like waving at you sort of outside the gem, and you know they're giving you like a thumbs up.
Yeah. Got it.
Excellent. All right.
Fantastic. All right.
So now we got to find the guy and give the gym to him right yeah in theory yes we would be sent off at this point we knew that we were trying to bring this soul back to our two dragon friends nyalaptia and ellia the good and evil dragon who are helping us kind of raise this team of dragons and they were going to help us in the dragon bowl if bring the gemstone to them, they will let us know where to go meet this lich, and we can set off on that journey. Okay, let's do it.
Absolutely. As we set off, they let us know that we're going to need to go high into the mountains.
There is a windswept peak at the top of which there is sort of a tower with a skull carved at the base.

And that is where our accomplice, our ally, the Lich, awaits us,

demanding a soul in return for uniforms.

But as we are getting closer to that mountain,

we are seeing a shape appearing in the sky. I would like to see perception checks for everybody.
12. I got another 20.
Third of the day. No big deal.
You can tell. Is he cheating? Just based off how many 20s he's rolled.
I also saw a lot of D20s from Berserker Billy and I saw every one of of those. So I never, never challenged John Tice Rolls.

Just asking questions.

I'm not making any accusations.

Just ask us here, Mitt, your hat.

You know what?

I'm just happy that we can have such a cool observation of what is in the distance because

we are going to have a special mini in just a moment.

You are seeing what appears to be a massive dragon, but I would like you to make a history check to see if you can notice what seems strange about this dragon. Eight.
Eight. And you have a history bonus of plus four, I think? Yep.
That is just enough with a 12 that you can tell what this is. It's not a dragon.
It's too big. It is some sort of a massive machine.
No! Wait! It is a dragon, but this dragon seems like they are wearing some sort of massive set of armor. And then you realize it's like a dragon mech suit of some kind.
And as you realize what this dragon would look like if they were smaller and not made of metal, you realize just barely with a 12, you recognize them. This is the blue dragon, Lenathon, that Berserker Billy once jumped on the back of and rode away from the village of Greenus.
She has returned. She is wearing armor and she looks big.
Oh, wow. What's in the box? What's in the box? Oh, fuck yes, Tim.
Oh, fuck yes, Tim. Len is thick.
On the dragon. Sick girl.

Bearing down upon us. I see what Billy saw in her.
As we are flown through the air, she is easily twice as big as when we last saw her. Let me see from behind.
Yes. Ooh, look at that cloaca.
Yeah. Quick spin.
Okay. Absolutely.
Yeah, girl. You can see energy and flames bursting out from the cracks in her armor as though it is just elemental energy inside that she is using to control this suit.
But she is flying towards us as we are carried by our dragon allies. They say, oh, no, we'll try to keep her busy, but you're going to have to go into the tower without us okay and that is where we will end today then I hope everyone is excited I have one extra before we go can I issue a retroactive apology to Billy for trying to fuck that hot ass dragon what? I wanted to issue a retroactive.
When did you try to fuck the dragon? No, you tried to. We made fun of you for trying to fuck that dragon.
Yeah, dude, I know. Okay, so I'm issuing a retro...
Here, I'll roll. She's the reason...
She's got a real glow up now, too. I rolled an 18.
18 apology. Dude, she's the reason I'm in this position.
That's true. That's true.
Tim, you've done it again. That was incredible.

Absolutely.

And of course, Berserker Billy, you're with us, but so is the chemist.

So maybe you'll be rolling as the chemist next time.

Me and the chemist are going to go chill somewhere else.

You can talk to him, convince him maybe to do something else besides help this team.

But right now, he's pretty happy you brought him back.

You fought him. Not you guys.
No, the chemist is sweet. We like hanging out with him a lot.
Yes. Absolutely.
Where's Cake again? He's in a gem, but he's got the gem. Okay.
Got it. Absolutely.
And next time, we will be picking up with maybe a battle with the dragon, but definitely getting into the Lich Tower and seeing how that goes. Let's giants team ready excellent dungeons and dragons is brought to you by our great friends over at me undies me undies finally launched a new collection that's as comfy as cotton because that's what it is it's an underwear company making stretch cotton undies it's groundbreaking but really though it kind of is me undies launched two fabrics why are they doing cotton now? They're happy you asked.
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Okay, we'll we'll wrap up we got fire fest uh hank why don't you start reminder again no show monday uh yeah so my fire fest all i had to do yesterday uh before i drove home was basically like clean my apartment and just drive home i basically procrastinated for the entire day like i think eight nine hours i sat down i was like i'm gonna make a sandwich i'm gonna clean i i turned on like nick murk stream and i just watched the entire stream for like eight hours uh didn't end up leaving till 9 30 and at 9 30 if you guys were around obviously it's a northeast thing but it was raining and thunder and lightning like i have never seen before it was truly I was going on the FDR like 20 miles an hour 10 and 2 just scared for my life like I had I was listening to the game on the radio and I don't even know if this makes sense but I had to turn the radio down to make sure that I was driving correctly like it was it was it was that type of situation windshield wipers were going as fast as they could I still couldn't see anything And the whole sky was lit up with lightning. It was that type of situation.
Windshield wipers were going as fast as they could. I still couldn't see anything.

The whole sky was lit up with lightning.

It was terrible.

And I could have just avoided it if I was on top of my game.

How was the stream?

Yeah, how sweet was that?

It was cool, yeah. It was one of those things I was like,

I'll turn around while I eat lunch.

And then it was 6 o'clock.

I was like, oh, my God.

I still haven't done anything. When was the last time you drove? I drove like Memorial Day.
You drive? Yeah, I'm a driver. Do you drive on the highway? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I've noticed a lot of people recently, like an abnormally large amount of people that have been like, yeah, I drive.
highway just no you just work with glennie balls those are the special characters though and and frank and frank you just work you work in a weird spot that's not a real thing no i i was watching uncle drew the other day and one of the ladies that was chasing after him couldn't get on the highway movies of all time i actually i had it on the wrong channel i was waiting for the game to come on and i thought it was on abc i thought they were playing uncle drew on abc on like prime time turns out they would never do that and i was watching like i don't know usa or something he was on the celtic that came out and i tried to like fake like the movie and i couldn't even get through it the we do work with the weirdest people so that's not we can't you can never be like I've noticed a lot of people are doing this and then use your test case as co-workers at Barstool Sports because they are just like Tommy, Glennie and Frank just being like yeah I don't. It's just the weirdest thing.
Yeah. Just once you let me on a road that has more than two lanes, I can't I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I might as well be trying to read French. And then actually later on today, I saw Glennie walk around the corner and he got Tanner from like this morning to the afternoon.
Like after lunch, he was more tan than he was this morning. He was like, yeah, like yeah i don't know i just i walked down the street for lunch we do we work with a bunch of real weirdos but i love them yes yes um all right pft your fire fest so my fire fest of the week is i'm fat and hank isn't afraid to show the world how fat i am um there were some pictures that got put out of the dungeon dragons episode i'll be the first to admit I put on a little bit of weight recently, which I've been trying to take off.
And I thought I was taking it off with my all broth diet that I was, that was working on a couple of weeks ago. But the picture that came out is one of the tougher visuals that I've had.
It had that red line across the middle of my stomach from where I'd been sitting down and my stomach had folded in on it. It collapsed in on itself for a while because my posture sucks, too.
But it looked like I had just gotten out of like major organ removal surgery with this red folded line. And then it was hanging over my belt a little bit.
And yeah, just it looked it looked really bad. And so thanks.
Thanks, Hank, for I should be thanking you as a wake up call. So I appreciate you showing that side of me to the entire internet without cropping the image, because I think at the end of the day, it will make me be a better person.
Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, if I like, it's not like I'm taking these candid photos, I walk over with a camera and you pose for it.
You know, what do you want me to do here? Here's the thing, PFT. I, I said this last week.
You put on a, you, you took your shirt off and put on the, the night's armor. You could have just put on a shirt.
Debbie, that's true. I said this last week though.
I think that you have to just realize, and I've had this realization many times over that it's not the pictures. It's just you as a person.
Like I, when Hank takes a bad picture of me and i look fat or ugly i'm like man that was mean to hank i'm like no actually that was mean of me to my own body for being a gross slob and a piece of shit so like the problem with being fat is all pictures just tell you that yes you are in fact fat i i just didn't need it today that's the only because like today is the first day of my beach house for july and so now i have zero comp i'm gonna have to wear a shirt at the beach it's gonna be tough i don't i don't feel fat but i am does that make sense like walking around i'm not walking around being like hey i think you're gonna be okay you're gonna be living in denial you're gonna be okay i don't think this is gonna to phase you that long okay yeah i mean you takes right you popped off your shirt like without any like it was just like boom shirt off so i don't think you lacking confidence is something that ever needs to be worried about okay well hi my name is pft i'm fat but i don't care well care a little all right hi my name is pft i'm fat i'm a little self-conscious about it but at the end of the day it could be a lot worse yes there it is much worse from you so yeah i mean remember the candidate picture the what when we put on the we put on this was like five years ago

at this point

Canada boy So yeah, I mean, remember the Canada picture? The what? When we put on the, we put on, this was like five years ago at this point, Canada boys days. And we, you guys are modeling the Canada sweatshirts.
That was bad. That was bad picture.
Yes. Okay.
I do remember that. I caught feelings about that one too.
Oh yeah, you did. I got the net.
Deleted it. All right, Jake, you got a Firefest? Yeah, my Firefest is the existence of potholes around New York City.
Two Ubers, one city bike this week. I've just gotten bad whiplash from a pothole.
Not good. Could have been bad.
Damn. Did you fall off?

Holy shit.

No, I didn't fall off.

Are you okay?

There's some big potholes around the city.

You got to watch out.

How's your tank going?

You should go to the statehouse.

Yeah.

You should.

You should complain.

I don't know.

I won't carry this one,

but I'm just telling everyone around the city to watch out. There's some big p potholes You don't want to get hurt by the potholes Around Manhattan you know what we should do You should make an app where you Can log where the potholes are I like it they have that for Public toilets around the city it's called Flush it just tells you all the public Bathrooms maybe I'll just make it for potholes I'm going to say right now If, if you have a problem taking a shit in a public bathroom, you're a pussy.
If you got a shit, you got a shit. My app would just be what I said about jail.
My app would be like, take a shit anywhere. Who cares? Every bathroom is good.
Wipe it down. Don't think about it.
You should be allowed to shit into potholes. Yeah.
I'll bet you they get filled up pretty quickly.

Once people start pissing and shitting in them,

you'd see city workers go out post haste and repair them. So maybe that's probably a two-pronged solution there.

All right.

My Fyre Fest is weird because I know that you guys won't believe me,

but I'm telling the God's honest truth.

I think I saw another kid break his arm today.

So I was at a restaurant with my son eating lunch. We're in a booth.
The booth next to us had another two-year-old and with what seemed like his grandmother. Two-year-olds start looking at each other like, oh, fuck.
It's almost like dogs seeing each other out on the street. They're like, whoa I didn't know another one of you existed.
Kid's leering over and he just fucking falls out of the booth and they had to leave the restaurant in the middle of lunch. I saw the fall.
I would say a 75% chance he broke his arm and I don't know what it is now because now I feel like I'm cursed. Now I'm just going to watch kids break their arms every day did you tell them things were coming out beforehand yeah hey you look like you're uh a future olympian that will finish fourth someday catch you know i yeah i'm bad juju yeah it was bad this kid in the adjacent booth has tremendous posture yeah he's got great balance no chance It falls.
Do you think that your son might believe that he had something to do with it? Like what, what if your son has the force? No, he made that kid fall out. He was at one point, he was kind of low key laughing.
So, um, no, I don't think he, he felt bad at all. Like I had to tell him, like, that's what we're not.
We're not laughing right now. I haven't, I haven't seen star Wars as, as we discussed, but if he had the force and he was a bad guy, he could have made the kid fall out.
That's what I'm saying. Do you think your kid is dominating other children via the power of his own mind? That would be cool.
I have said before, I do think there's a, like a, maybe a 5% chance that he's an X man because he's called, he says the word hot for every type of food like i could hand him ice cream and he'll say hot so i think maybe like his his mouth is always burning and he's got like fireballs ready to go so um yeah yeah it's i wouldn't rule anything out at this point i'm just i'm just sick and tired of watching little children break their arms because that's twice in three weeks now. It's kind of what you get for tempting the universe when you're like, I really enjoy watching injury videos.
Yeah, that's true. So ever since you put that take out there, which is, to be fair, it's something that we all think about, but you were the first to be like, I like watching sports injuries.
Hold on. That is very, but hold on.

I like watching.

I will stand by that.

I like watching injury videos.

I don't like watching in real life injuries.

Okay.

Put me on the other side of a computer and I'll feel okay.

You could also just be like a walking, breathing version of that movie. The ring where like somebody see like a kid sees big cat and you

know that within 30 seconds, he's going to break a bone. Yeah.
Fuck, man. It was bad.
It was bad. A lot of crying.
A lot of just. And again, my son was laughing.
So it was it was a bad scene altogether. Billy, you want to wrap it up? You want to give us your Fyre Fest and any recap? app? Yeah.
So with all these NCAA D3, D2, D1, everyone's, you know, selling merch, being a Twitch streamer and making money off of their likeness. Um, even though I am not anywhere close to guys like Reggie Bush or, but there was a time I was in college, correct.
using my ncaa eligibility being you know using my likeness on the internet and uh kind of pissed that this happened so many years later and not when i was in college so i could like literally the next year like maybe you were the you were the curse don't you have eligibility left i have one year i could go back and do something actually

no i i actually don't know if i have eligibility but i mean i don't think you're doing so bad like

you basically everything you just said you've done that and then gotten a full-time job out of it

true yes i'm not complaining but that's a fire fest yeah so like some of these some of the

athletes are getting sponsored by barstool sports and making a little bit of money every month

Thank you. Yeah.
And a fire fest. Yeah.
So like some of these, some of the athletes are getting sponsored by Barstool sports and making a little bit of money every month.

You get a pay,

a full paycheck,

right?

No,

I'm not.

No paycheck.

And you weren't Reggie Bush.

I know,

but I'm just saying I could have sold merch in college,

like back in 2017.

Guess what,

Billy,

you can do that right now. I know.
so we should make we should make a great jersey he just spends the next year like they're like at the end of the year like bill you haven't come up with any merch ideas he's like dude i'm not in college anymore like what do you want me to do and i have really there was like a split second where billy is like the solution this problem is for go back to school, play another year of football, and then try to get a sponsorship deal from Barstool to make less money. Bob, Billy, you, so that was your fire fest.
It wasn't that you had some side effects from the vaccine. No, no, you didn't get the vaccine or no, you didn't have any side effects.
No, I just really wish I could have made a Billy football Jersey in college. Oh, okay.
So we're avoiding this. This is good.
This is like the, uh, whenever they ask a professional athlete and they're like, it's a person, it's a personal decision. I don't want to talk about it.
Whether or not I got the vaccine. So to wrap the show up.

Why are you so embarrassed about this, Billy?

Anal retentiveness.

It's such a weird thing to be embarrassed about.

You got vaccinated.

Billy, you saved lives.

Anal retentiveness.

Oh, no, Billy.

An anal retentive person.

Wouldn't want anyone to think that you got vaccinated.

Such attention to detail that it becomes an obsession and maybe an annoyance to others. Who is this person? Say it again.
You seem to be mumbling. Is that a side effect from the vaccine? Only half of his face is working.
An anal retentive person. Basically, it's Bryson DeChambeau.
That's how his high school teacher teacher described him and it literally translates to having something up their ass yeah it's true well i mean yeah that's where the phrase anal comes from the anal stage go back to to freud but yeah you're right he's got something up because that's all right yeah all right billy i'm happy you can still read with all that poison And there's a species of immortal jellyfish. What was that? There's a species of immortal jellyfish that just lives forever.
How's that possible? Jellyfish, bro. See, I don't think that's a real...
That's just trash in the fucking ocean. You just described God.
There's no way there's a jellyfish just lives forever. It does.
No. Do jellyfish even live? Yeah.
They don't have brains. They don't watch sports.
They don't have skeletons. Yeah.
No nerves. No eyes.
They don't fuck. Is this a fever dream for you from the vaccine? Anyway, that was a great show, guys.
Jellyfish also don't have spines. It's spineless.
Pick a spineless like getting the vaccine but not telling everyone you got the vaccine. 69.
I got it four times. Why does anyone need to know my medical history?

18.

99.

I'm looking it up early.

It's called the Turo-Tipsis-Dorney.

And it's real?

Yeah, it looks to be real.

The Turo-Tipsis-Topsis-Dorney.

The only immortal creature.

Boom. No, it says in theory it could go on forever.
Yeah, I don't know. Do you have the thing, Jake? But they can still be eaten.
Yeah. I mean, in theory, yay.
I mean, if you kill it, it dies. But anyway.
What was it? 13. 13.
Lucky. Unlucky.
That's twice in the last like three weeks. 13 is not the second time.
13 was last picked May 11th. So, yes.
That's your lucky number, Billy? Yeah. I was born on the 13th.
That's right. We had the same conversation.
Yeah had the same conversation yeah but that was when you were on backstage yeah yeah that literally fucked up my whole day oh no your day you're okay how much how many big things did you have that you had to push off your schedule? I was going to blog the Patrick Beverly shove,

and then I literally couldn't get out of bed.

It was worse than actual COVID.

You were too vaccinated to blog?

It was worse than the COVID I got when I was training to fight Jose.

I could train through COVID.

This put me out for the count.

Billy, Billy, Billy.

12 hours later.

Now Billy has autism.

Well, I probably 12 hours later. Now Billy has autism.
Well,

I probably had it before.

But what if it cured it?

We all are on the spectrum.

All right.

See everyone on Wednesday.

Love you guys. Running away, it's the living time Running away, it's the living time I'm talking away I wonder what I'm saying, I'm saying anyway Today's an update Time, shine away Time, I'll be coming for your lover Time, shine away Time, I'll be coming for your lover Time Shine away Time I'll be coming for your lover Time Take on me Take me on I'll be gone Get on to want to You don't want to You don't want to It's the living top Needless to say I'm on sentence But I'll be stolen away I learn that life is okay Say after me Time It's for better to be safe than sorry.

Shying away.

I'm coming for your love of time.

Take on me.

Take me off.

I'll be gone

In a day or two

Time