Dungeons and Dragons, Goldberg & NFL Trade Deadline

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Dungeons and Dragons is back. Very excited to talk to Tim.
We pick up our adventure. That's the campaign everyone's been talking about.
We got a little bit of a recap as well to start. So everyone, if you missed it or if you forget what's happened, he recaps it and then we get into it.
We also have Goldberg, wrestling legend on the show. A little Monday Night Football cleanup, a little NFL free agency, nothing happened.
Hot seat, cool thrown, and guys on chicks. Before we get to all that, part of my take is brought to you by the show.
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Back to part of my take.

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Today is Wednesday,mber 4th decision 2020

some spread some election

we started cnn where don mr unlimited couldn't see the future

I don't know. We started CNN where Don, Mr.
Unlimited, couldn't see the future coming, amigos. And Chris Chet Hayes said, Booyakasha, Donald Trump, you're making me crazy, boy? Me no one no my god.
Joe Biden goes seek, took an afternoon catnap, closed his eyes, and tried to count to 270. And meanwhile, Mike, the artist formerly known as Pence, had enough of these red states and blue states that it's time for a purple rain.
Purple rain. And water Melania is used to spitting seeds, but she sure took a big one and proved she wasn't barren.
Donald had his daughters on stage singing, My Trump, my Trump, my Trump, my Trump, my Trump. My lovely lady Trumps.
Check it out. All right.
Trump was also there. All right.
We weren't actually going to talk about the election, but. It is actually 422.
Yeah, so if you hear bias, you actually are making it up because we have no idea what happened. We figured this show will be, like it always is, kind of an escape for everyone.
We have Tim Woods. It's truly an escape.
We're going to Dungeons & Dragons. We're going to a different world for this show.
We're imagining ourselves in a fantasy land. Yes.
Fighting against dragons. We're sexually assaulting Billy's skull.
Yeah, so couldn't be farther from planet earth or america right now but we have a regular show uh yeah whatever happened happened and uh we're going to instead talk some sports talk some guys on chicks hot seat cool throne fantasy land goldberg pack show let's start with mond Night Football. A little cleanup.
Daniel Jones loves, loves, loves throwing interceptions. It's actually the verbal meme.
Old girlfriend fumbling the ball. New girlfriend throwing picks whenever he can.
Oh, distracted boyfriend walking down the street. Yeah.
So the distracted boyfriend is Daniel Jones. And actually, I think it might be Daniel Jones,ones the model in that meme now that i think about it is where's brooks brothers he's looking over his shoulder and it says uh real swag and then the former girlfriend is no swag yeah the um the giants and this is kind of they're the perfect nfc east team that in the first half on monday night i legitimately said to myself I'm going to bet on the New York Giants to win the NFC East because they looked great and their defense is frisky if they wore those uniforms every single week I would absolutely absolutely and then the second half happened because they do play two halves and I wouldn't say the Bucks won the game as much as the Giants lost the game and I I'm not going to put – like the Bucs I still think are a very, very good team.
They're up there in the contenders category. I'm not going to like ding them for that because that felt – you could feel it almost from the beginning that it was one of those games where the Bucs thought they could just roll the ball out there and win.
So you didn't get an A-plus effort from the Bucs, and they still won with their C game, which actually is a better sign for a team that's very good. It was a trap game.
This was a perfect trap game. It was a prime-time spot.
Saints-Bucs coming up next Sunday. You like that phrase, trap game? When one team shows up way more physical than a better team.
Yeah, sure. Joe Judge, he's got the boys ready to go out there and hit somebody in their mouth they're not necessarily going to make all the plays but towards the end of the game i was definitely getting major flashbacks to tom brady against the giants in years past yeah when daniel jones is running around on like fourth and long making those crazy passes almost helmet like catches uh he was throwing the ball like seven yards short and then his receiver would find a little hole get the first down and then at the end it came down to that uh that last two-point conversion that was close well it's hilarious it's hilarious because daniel jones is so bad that his passes are so bad it was pass interference but the pass was so bad you're like but it can't be pass interference because his pass was so bad right it's like a quarterback that throws such uncatchable balls that it's impossible to call pass interference on him.

They really did.

It was like, wait, that should have been pass interference.

But no, because he actually threw it to such a bad spot

that it was going to look like pass interference no matter what.

Right, exactly.

Can you imagine deeming a pass by Dwayne Haskins to be uncatchable?

It's like, well, they all are.

That's what they all look like.

And at the end, it did prove Jason Garrett correct. He said that Daniel Jones' biggest weakness is his biggest strength, actually, which is the most Jason Garrett quote of all time.
And I guess his biggest weakness is he's not accurate, so he threw the pass behind his running back and almost got a pass interference based off that. And it almost ended up working out for him.
I'm a little concerned with Bruce Arians, just with his health. His red face, his double glasses.
He's like a chameleon. He turns into the color of whatever uniform that he's wearing at the time.
Yes. And he turned bright, beet red.
His double glasses look great. Maybe it's a matter of just the face shield that he wears magnifies the sun whenever he's standing out.
So it gives him a natural sunburn every time that he's out there. Yeah, and the hat, the look was incredible.
I'm trying to think, whatever. It was a decent Monday night game.
Going into it, you thought it was not going to be a good game, but the Giants did their best to make it a fun game.

And, yeah, that was week eight fully in the books now.

I feel like we're turning the corner.

We had the NFL trade deadline today,

which is the most boring trade deadline of all sports.

Sucks.

There was, like, pretty much the best or the most interesting part

of the trade deadline was Will Fuller started trending,

and then he tweeted, like, waiting, you know, like, see where I'm going to go,

and everyone said he was going to go to the Packers, and then nothing happened because it's the Packers.

Well, more than that, I think this is the first time that the Texans are really feeling the loss of Bill O'Brien because from all reports, the Texans were asking for way too much, whereas if it were Bill O'Brien still as the GM, the Texans would have traded Will Fuller for like a six-round pick. Well, what they were trying to do was they were trying to get the Brock Osweiler type thing where the money became an issue where it's like we want you to pay all of his salary as a team that's getting Will Fuller.
And the Packers are like, no, we want you to still pay for Will Fuller, even though you're using it. So it was a case of Green Bay expecting the ghost of Bill O'Brien to still be around to take on that terrible deal.
But it is the most Packers thing ever. I can't remember the last time the Packers either acquired a player in free agency, like a decent player, like a big-name player, or traded for a player.
It just doesn't happen. I think that in Green Bay, they like players that don't know any better besides the Green Bay system, which is like, we're going to draft you, Aaron Rodgers is going to make you look good, or he's going to complain because his defense isn't good enough.
And just not throw you the ball. You're going to have to deal with that.
You don't like players that have experienced life outside of Green Bay. Right.
And then the Patriots, Hank, going for it. Trading for Isaiah Ford.
Are the Patriots all in? Is this a sign to the locker room that they're committed to winning this year? I think so. I think it's the missing piece.
And on the flip side, the Dolphins. Wow.
So the Dolphins are throwing in the towel. Isaiah Ford, 18 catches, 184 yards, zero touchdowns.
Okay. That's the season.
That's the season. Yeah, yeah.
How much does DK Metcalf have? How much does he weigh? He weighs 201 pounds. Okay, so maybe they're just planning on fattening him up, turning him into a tight end.
6-1- 6-1, 2-0-1. Did you see Florio's article today? What about it? It's titled, The Patriot Way Has Lost Its Way.
Oh. Yep.
Bill Belichick's excuse making could result in players making excuses. See, Florio's not a football guy because he doesn't realize that Bill Belichick is actually doing his best coaching job this year.
That's true, and also he doesn't realize that Bill Belichick said, I'm not making an excuse, but this is the excuse. It is what it is.
The Patriots are paying Brady. They're playing Antonio Brown still.
I think they're still paying Steven Gosowski. They're in dead cap space.
So Belichick's not totally wrong when he said that. I don't know.
The NFL cap makes no sense. Contracts in the NFL make no sense.
I don't know what it's going to look like next year either. The cap is supposed to go up year after year.
I'm even saying just right now. None of it makes sense.
There's dead cap space. People who are capologists, I don't understand how their brains work, how they can understand all the ramifications of cap hits, cap money that is incurred via signing bonus as opposed to like prorated cap hits.
And then there's offset cap hits. NFL salary cap.
All right, overthecap.com. The one team that actually is kind of interesting is I'm pretty sure the Saints are like wildly over the cap next year, which makes me think that they already know that Drew Brees might retire.
What happens if you're just – Yeah, Saints next year are $92 million over the cap. That's a lot of money.
How is that even real? How can you do that? Well, what's to stop a team from just ignoring the cap entirely and being like, do something about it? Well, looking at it right now, like $92 million over over the cap next year that is pretty much drew brees has already told us that he will retire so don't worry about it this might be sean payton saying a big fuck you to the nfl too because if he just continues on if they let's say they go into next year and they're still 90 million dollars of the cap then the nfl tries to either find them or or uh like collect draft picks take away draft picks do whatever you want to them then what happens if the saints sue the nfl being like hey you're interfering with the free market we should be able to pay people whatever we want then that case goes to like the supreme court nfl loses its monopoly the saints could blow up the nfl if they want your post-pact packed court are they packing it I don't know how many people are I don't know that's and that's our politics talk uh yeah the Patriots have 28 million dollars in dead money I don't know what that means seems significant dead money it's dead I think it probably still spends Panthers have 50 million million in dead money. I don't know what that means either.

My guess is that's players that are no longer on the roster that they're still paying.

They're just dead or dead players.

Or Aaron Hernandez.

Does he count?

Yeah, still dead money.

All right.

Should we do Hot Seat Cool Throne?

This is going to be a nice tight show, right, Hank?

I made one note on Monday night, and it kind of bubbled over from the weekend.

I think we're seeing a record high amount of shin catches this year. That's a rule that I wasn't, I guess I had been aware of it in the past, but I was re-reminded of it.
Well, I think- A shin counts as two feet. I think what happens is, it's like when you buy a car, and then all of a sudden you see the car, your car, everywhere.
Yeah, the red car, yeah. And you're like, oh my god god everyone has this car that there was one significant shin catch it was either this week or last week and then since then it we're so dumb as nfl fans that we know the rules but we have to be reminded it every now and then so when we're reminded we pick up little nuggets and now we're walking around telling everyone you know if the shin goes down before the knee and the knee's out of bounds that's a catch it's a catch the shin counts as part of the knee i guess we love to go around pretending we're smart it was digs it was the cornerback on the cowboys he had the shin interception yes where he caught it in the end zone and then uh his his shin like bent right he had like a curved shin tony roma was like i think it's just a cramp but yeah it got down and then yeah i see it everywhere now i saw it on monday night football i'm gonna be seeing it all year long it's it's like the the little rules that are so much fun to to like try to mansplain to no one uh my favorite is the well if you say it first at a bar if you're watching with your friends then you're smart as shit the best one is uh on a punt when the punting team touches it and then the receiving team can't fumble.

And everyone loves to say that.

Because you see a guy run in, streak in, and grab the ball last second.

Why would he do that?

It's like, well, let me tell you why.

It's a free play, essentially.

That's my favorite.

Or what about you can't advance a punt that's been blocked?

Yes.

I like that one, too, because everyone's like,

that should be a first down, which I do kind of agree with. But it's fun to tell everybody that they're wrong like that should be a first down which i do kind of agree with but it's fun to tell everybody it should be a first down i'm right you're not but it is it is fun to to do that with rules every now and then to try to tell everyone billy you got any rules you think about making a football move yeah making everyone talks about what counts as a football move did grok make a football move in the end zone yeah oh when they switched when they you know it was a great moment in time when they switched it so that you could push out of bounds.
Yes. And everyone was like, wow.
Like, oh, that's pushing out of bounds. No, no, no, no.
Changed the rule. Nope, they changed the rule.
You're thinking of college, my friend. Yeah, sorry that you're too dumb to figure it out.
They should make it. Could you imagine how many points would be scored in the NFL if it was one foot inbound? That would be amazing.
Because the body control in the NFL is already so insane, and to have just one foot, give it to us. When I'm watching a college game, I always look for players.
It doesn't matter how spectacular the catch is. If a player only gets one foot down in bounds, I'm like, I'm going to dock that guy in my pre-draft rankings on my big board.
It's not going to work in the big leagues. Listen, that stuff doesn't play once you get out there on Sundays.
Not on Sundays, yeah. All right, let's do Hot Seat Cool Throne.
Hot Seat Cool Throne is brought to you by... We're going to get right back to the show.
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All right, back to part of my take. All right, Hank, hot seat, cool, thrown.
My hot seat is the Warriors. The Golden State kind? Yes, the San Francisco Warriors.
They moved from Oakland to San Francisco. True.
But yesterday they released jerseys for this year that say Oakland on them. And in the tweet, it said, Oakland is and always will be part of our team's identity.
And it's like the Oakland Forever jerseys. And it got Warriors fans really mad because they left Oakland.
And apparently, there's a lawsuit going on that the Warriors lost, and they still owe Oakland $40 million for renovations. They should rebrand this.
So kind of like a dumb PR move to be like, oh yeah, you know, we're going to leave town and then be like, Oakland forever. It's kind of crazy.
It's not talked about enough that Oakland lost two sports franchises in two years. It is heartbreaking.
I mean, obviously the Warriors are right across the bay, so you can make the argument that like, oh, they're still right there, but still. It should say Frisco on the jerseys right now.
Yeah, that's bullshit. It is messed up that they did that.
Yeah. I just thought of a really bad Kate Upton boobs joke.
Permission to go there? Yeah. Yeah, Hank, you're right.
That is fucked up that they did that even though they moved. Kind of like the Nets, even though they're in Brooklyn, they unveiled a New Jersey the other day.
Oh, nice. Nice.
Get it? New Jersey? Although I do like the Nets New Jersey. Oh, yeah.
It's awesome. They're sick.
They're very sick. All right.
Cool throw? My cool throw is Rock, Paper, Scissors. Yeah.
Iona and Hofstra, they are having their mascots play Rock, Paper, Scissors shoot to determine who gets a home game this year. Love it.
Are they televising it? They are doing it on social media. Don't.
It's just one of my favorite things to argue about. Oh, I thought you were going to say.
No. Oh, no, no, no.
My only question. I was not going to say that.
I was not going to say that. We don't make.
My only question, because we have talked about developing a Rocks, Paper, Scissors shoot for the Play Barstool app, I'm just wondering what the format is going to be. Like, do you do best of three, best of ten, first to ten.
Billy versus Jake right now. Best of three.
Rock, Paper, Scissors, says, shoot. Oh! Billy says, says.
No, it's Rock, Paper, Scissors, shoot. And Billy was late, and he still lost.
I said, say, shoot. Rock, Paper, Scissors, shoot.
Why would Rock, Paper, Scissors, say, shoot? Stop saying Rocks. I don't know.
Rock,, paper, scissors, shoot. I have no good meaning.
All right, so go rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Okay.
All right, best of three. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Oh, one of nil. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
One, one. One, one.
Rubber match. Billy's done scissors every time.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Billy's done scissors every time.
Scissors. Billy's done scissors every time.
Oh, and he switched to rock. Shake.
Mental alpha. Just do rock.
Billy's done scissors every time. Billy's done scissors every time.
Oh, and he switched to rock. Shake, just do rock.
Billy did scissors six times in a row. Yeah, but he doesn't know how to say rock or scissors shoot.
That's true. I still won.
All right, so yeah, Billy is officially the winner of that. Who's the better? You guys aren't either interns anymore, are you? I don't know.
I think Billy still is. You are? Yeah, I got to graduate.
Okay, all right. PFT, your hot seat, cool to run.
My hot seat is slutting it up. Slutting it up is firmly on the hot seat.
Halloween is over. Spooky season.
Spooky season's done. And Roger Goodell fined James Conner and Juju Smith-Schuster for wearing socks that were too low.
They exposed their gams.

Their calves were out.

Yep.

Victorian Goodell in the NFL says, no, no, no, no, no. You got to keep those calves covered up.
And so he levied a big fine. That's one of my favorite fines that the NFL does is like when your socks are not at the correct level.
And if you go too high, he'll fine you for that too. He's got to be right in the Goldilocks zone there.
Yes. And my other hot seat is Darren Revell, because Nate Silver called him disqualifyingly stupid today.
Darren Revell got disqualified from Twitter today. Do you know how stupid you have to be to get disqualified from Twitter? It's like everyone is an idiot on Twitter.
Right. Do you want to be on Twitter? Yes.
Yes. Okay, you're disqualified from Twitter.
It's in the terms of service. Darren Revelle got put into a locker by the locker.
Darren Revelle got pulled into a locker by Nate Silver who lives his life in a locker. He's like, hey, get over here.
You're in here with me. My cool throne is baseball staying relevant.
Baseball is so big cat tonight is the presidential election maybe what maybe the biggest presidential election in terms of viewership and uh voter turnout in the last like 50 years you know what baseball is doing tonight baseball is announcing their gold glove awards yeah during the election way to go baseball i could not make that up that would that would i'm pretty sure that when we talked about yeah baseball staying relevant in, baseball. I could not make that up.
No.

I'm pretty sure that when we talked about baseball staying relevant in the past, I'm pretty sure we made a joke about them doing something like this on election night.

They did it last year on something very significant, too.

I think they are doing this on purpose.

It might have been like the all-star announcement during NBA free agency.

I don't know.

They're doing this 100% on purpose.

It's insane.

Yeah.

I can't.

Like, what the fuck? What are you doing? Unbelievable. My other cool throne is dynasties.
Texas Tech. Texas Tech continues their dynasty.
Texas Tech won its 15th national meat judging championship. They are the world's best meat peepers.
Shout out to Texas Tech University. Who is judging the meat judges? They actually have a huge agricultural

school where they judge

what you mean by USAID.

Send him a pic of Norman.

Yep.

We should have the boner judging competition.

He's done with the Norman judges.

Look at this loin.

You guys remember when I did

all those niche podcasts?

One of them was a Texas Tech grad

who is like a champion

meat judge. He's basically

I'm going to go judge the meat judges. Oh, good question.
They have to have judges. Maybe that's what Billy should do.
You've got to judge the meat judges. Because I'm guessing that that person went to Texas Tech.
Right, right. Good point, Hank.
Hank's right. This smells.
It stinks. It stinks to high heaven.
This isn't good meat. Think about where's the beef.
Mm-hmm. Texas.
Yeah. Where's the beef.
No, but you understand what Hank's saying, right? Yeah. Texas Tech won for meat judging, but who's judging Texas Tech to win the meat judging? To give them 15 titles.
Who's judging the meat judges? The panel of the best meat judges? And where are they from? Where do they go to school? From the Texas Tech. What has the most prestigious...
Yeah, the best meat program in America. It's complete bullshit.
I feel like Oklahoma has good meat judging. Oklahoma probably hates Texas Tech.
It's like Desmond Howard on game day saying Michigan is back. Yeah.
Like, what are we doing here? They should recuse themselves like Herb Street and Chris Fowler for picking that night's game. Yes, yes.
You get a scholarship for it. For me judging? Yeah.
For, like, looking at a cow and being like, that animal would be good to eat. Well, no, it's once they're in the meat locker.
Oh, so after they're dead? Yeah, they're judging the meat in the meat locker. I mean, how hard is that? You'd just be like, that looks good.
I don't think that's meat. No, no, Billy, I think you're wrong.
No, no, it's the scene in Rocky. Yeah.
You know the scene in Rocky in the meat locker? Wait, what? Where he's punching it? What does he do? Yeah, I read an article, It was like in Sports Illustrated. They're all in white lab coats kind of, but like- Punching meat? They're checking out the meat slabs.
I don't know. I feel like it's an agricultural thing where you look at it in a live cow and you try to figure out which one would be the- Yeah, you look in their eyes and you're like, what would you be like? Your temperament.
Google Belgian blue cattle. Okay, well, actually, Billy, if you know anything about meat judging, you would know that the most tasty cow of all time is Heat Wave, and Heat Wave's bloodline lives on to this very day.
And if you buy a direct descendant Google of Heat Wave. This is the most Billy cow of all time.
Just Google Belgian blue cow. Belgian blue cattle.
Cattle. Cattle.
It's the jacked up one. Yeah, it's the one that's on steroids.
On steroids. Selective breeding for high muscle.

The fat ratio.

Who wants to eat the muscle?

Texas Tech dubbed this spring by Sports Illustrated as the Alabama football of the meat judging world.

Yeah, this guy's a fucking beast.

All right, I'm not going to say what I was going to say.

Say it.

Go off.

I mean, this cow is like, what, 2,000 pounds? Probably like a ton. Norman still has a bigger dick than this cow.
It's not even close. I mean, that's a fact.
It's a fact. Like, Hank's little 10-pound dog has a bigger dick.
20 pounds. Now, I should know.
Yeah. No.
Penis-to-body ratio. Penis-to-body ratio, yeah.
It's way different than actual mass. I think his dog's dick is as big as Leroy's dick, and Leroy is 20 times bigger.
And Leroy's got a decent hog, too. But I should, in the spirit of getting this story right with a capital J journalism, it was an abbreviated season due to COVID.
Ah. So, asterisk on this one.
Important to note. Important to note.
All right. My hot seat is all other college football conferences.
Cause the Mac is back. You're listening to this right now.
The Mac is officially back. Maction six games tonight.
We have maybe my favorite bet that we've ever created on the Barstool sports book app. It is a lights, camera, Maction where you can bet on the total number of missed kicks and extra points and turnovers.

In one game?

In all games combined.

For that night?

Yes.

28 and a half is in the line.

Holy shit.

If you bet it, you get a free shirt even if you lose.

What I really like about the Maction this year is that Big Cat has adopted the Maction

as that whole conference is now his team.

So, because Wisconsin, I don't know if Wisconsin is going to play another game this season.

So now you're just officially a Maction.

I know you've got liked him, but now officially. No, Wisconsin is going to play another game.
They're going to play another game. Don't COVID shame.
I'm not. I'm saying maybe you guys will have college football.
Yeah. Toledo.
That's true. I got to pick up that key to the city.
All right. So, yeah, bet it.
Responsibly. Yeah, responsibly bet it.
1-800-GAMBLER if you've got a problem. But the MAAC is back, and I'm very, very excited for the MAAC.
And also, Cooper Rush might be playing for the Cowboys from Central Michigan. Fire up chips.
And one of the greatest matching games of all time that wasn't fully matching in the Bahamas Bowl when they scored 34 points in the fourth quarter. You've got to give Danucci another chance.
Yeah, maybe. So my cool throne is actually the Cowboys.
The Cowboys are on my cool throne, and here's why. Cowboy fans, rest easy.
Everything's going to be okay. Stephen A.
Smith has declared that it's not even fun to make fun of the Cowboys anymore. I disagree, Stephen A.
Smith. Stephen A.
Smith said, Marcus Spears, let me say this to you. This is on first take.
You know how I like to troll Cowboys fans because I can't stand those noisy and disgusting people? I like how he's taking it easy. I just feel like these people are the worst.
I can't stand Cowboys fans. They're the worst.
But I didn't joke around this past weekend because it's not funny to me. It was so bad.
It was so bad what I saw from them. It was just national embarrassment i'm serious about that so there you go you the number one cowboy hater is officially laying down his sword and saying rest easy cowboy well it's because he didn't do his video that he normally does after a cowboy's loss he said that he decided to throw out a mercy rule it wasn't in my heart to do that to them because they're so pathetic i actually felt sorry for them but ste Stephen A.
Smith is such a genius that by saying this, this is the most he could ever make fun of. He knows going into it that's saying you're not even worthy to be made fun of.
I feel so bad for you I can't even make fun of you. That's the most that you can make fun of a Cowboys fan because really over the past 30 years, not 30 years, over the past 25 years, that's all you've been doing is been making fun of Cowboys fans for not being that good.
Correct. It's not like they've been awesome and you get to make fun of them when they finally fail.
He is just trolling them by being like I'm taking away the very last thing the very last smidge of relevancy that you have is me making fun of you when you lose. This is the meanest thing that we could ever do to you on ESPN is ignore you entirely.
Yes, yes. So, Cowboys fans, sorry, but that's, yeah, I mean, I guess it's a good thing that you don't get made fun of anymore by Stephen A.
Smith. Billy, your hot seat cool thrown before we get to Tim Woods and Goldberg.
Hot seat Wisconsin. Don't COVID shame.
Because if they have one one more game canceled they're not eligible for the big 10 championship game but they're still bowl eligible because everybody was supposed to be yes everyone is bowl eligible i don't know what's gonna happen i uh whatever it sucks but you know what i'm i'm worried about player safety at least you guys didn't have a you know heisman heisman this year. Oh, thank you for saying that about Graham Mertz.
He's a sophomore, so we'll have him for the next. And I don't think this year should count.
So we'll have him for the next three, four. He redshirted, so we'll have him for four more years.
Perfect. At least the New England Patriots didn't have an MVP quarterback this year that they had to give up on.
Am I cool thrown? I think the Patriots still making the playoffs. They do play the Jets on Monday night, so there you go.
Do I have to go to that? Yes. With a GoPro.
Gotta think about that. You gotta find the cat.
I'll be the cat guy. I'm gonna dress up as an exterminator.
Yeah, you can go... You don't have to go to the game if you go to the Meadowlands and just find a cat.
So, like, once you get the cat, you can go home. Just show up with, like, a bunch of tuna fish cans.
Yeah. Open it up in the parking lot.
A black cat. It's got to be black? Yep.
Okay. My cool throne is humans.
Walmart has stopped using robots to do inventory because they realized that humans were actually just as effective and cheaper. So, cool humans.
Were cheaper than robots? We've reached a point where they're just as effective. Humans? You think robots? Yeah.
The robots were... Human error.
Just as effective. Robots don't make mistakes.
Computer error. No, but the robots were like six foot wheeling around like Doctor Who type shit.
Who programs the robots? Humans do. So there's human error in the robots as well.
This is like a meat grader, judger situation. The humans beat robots, so you know what? Cool down humans.
Do you think that the robots are just going to sit there and take that? Humans coming in taking their jobs? I don't know. It'll be interesting to find out.
Employment. Yeah.
Employment in general. Alright.
Good job, Billy. Yeah.
Good job. Good job, Jake.
Jake gave me that cool job. Good job all around.
Good teamwork. Good job, guys.
Good job. Alright, let's get to Billy's.
When we're nice to Billy, he gets so confused. He did a great job, Billy.
He did a great job, dude. Nice of you to dress up today.
Yeah. Election day.
All right. Let's get to our interview.
We got Tim Woods, Dungeons & Dragons, and we'll have Goldberg. Before we get to Tim Woods, new sponsor alert.
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All right, back to part of my take.

And now, Tim Woods. Ooh!

Okay, we now welcome on our good, good friend. It is Tim Woods.
It's been a little bit of a break because we had football season to attend to, but Tim, I was – Yes, thank you. Glad they all came back, yeah.
I like that just the congratulations that football is being played. I really appreciate that.
So we have – I absolutely like the tweet I get the most is like,

so when's Dungeons & Dragons coming back?

And we figured this is a perfect time.

So, Tim, we need a refresher because – Absolutely.

Yeah, just give us everything exactly where we are,

and then we can hop right back into it.

For sure.

It's been a while since our last game, so a recap is definitely in in order i will give us the summarized version of our adventure so far which is we came rolling into the village of greenest completely saved the town despite the betrayal of our ally berserker billy who turned the dragon kind of against us uh we did save the village of greenest from the attack of the cult of the dragon, then kind of went after the cult to their home turf, where we discovered that there were some prisoners to be freed. We did save a griffin whose name was Blake.
We also fought a revived version of Berserker Billy, who had been summoned by the dragon cult against us, made short work of him at the end of the day and then wasn't it

more of a like a long torturous project that we had we we certainly took our time disposing of his corpse it was the battle was short the disassembly of berserker billy did take some time and actually i did want to get a confirmation on this unless i miss made a mistake i believe it was the griffin who devoured berserker billy's

head if i'm wrong about that yeah correct me but and did he did he pass the head out did he poop the head out yet or is he still digesting that it's interesting you should say that because one thing i would note as we're starting today is that we are starting to hear a muffled sound from out of Blake the Griffins' stomach area,

and depending on what actions we were to take, who knows what that sound might develop into. But it sounds like a muffled voice kind of coming from inside the Griffon, for sure.
And in theory, we had managed to escape not just with a new Griffon friend and a disassembled Berserkery pieces uh we did manage to grab from a creature known as the roper who is guarding these this hatchery we had managed to grab not one not two not three but a total of eight dragon eggs as various characters ran through grabbing eggs on the way out we have escaped from this dragon hatchery with a total of eight different multi-colored eggs, eggs of all different scaled hues. And at the very least, we know this, that we are escaping with a small fortune worth of eggs if we were to decide to sell these items.
Otherwise, there's many other uses that we could make out of these particular items that we have just acquired. But we are hightailing it into the woods out of this kind of back exit, out of the cult's hatchery.
And by all accounts, we think that they have not, you know, when we set the guard drakes, the minions that we had turned to our side after them, they were busy fighting those guard drakes while we made good on our escape. And I would kind of start us today camping, as it were, after a long day of running from the dragon cult.
We are now definitely safe from any pursuit with the dragon eggs in tow. And we're going to have to make a tough decision as we sit around the campfire.
This is where our adventure would start. We've got Norm the Barbarian, Wayne the Bard, Ehrlich the Warlock, and Cake the Wizard all gathered around with these dragon eggs near the fire.
And I will say that we're all, number one, no longer level three. We've just bumped up from level three to level four, which gave us a few more hit points and a few more little powers that I'll highlight along the way.
I would start by letting us know that we're also hearing some noise.

South of our campsite, there's kind of a crashing noise.

We're also hearing a rustling from a very much closer bush

directly to the west of us.

Ooh.

I would ask, what would people want to be doing right now?

Or what would you be discussing around the campfire?

It might not be a bad idea to crack open one of those dragon eggs, make an omelet. Yeah.
Can we do that? Can we do that? You absolutely could go to one of the dragon eggs. Now I want to highlight there's eight different dragon eggs.
I want to point out that one of them is the color red, one is blue, and one is green. Two are black, two are white, and one is a rainbow, a prismatic colored egg with all the different colors on it.
No, I think what we do is to, in effort of fairness and equality, I think we crack one of the white eggs and one of the black eggs because we have two of both. So we're not losing.
Now we have all the colors in the rainbow and we've eaten a black and a white egg. Those are the two that you have extra.
There we go. Perfect.
Yeah. Tim, can I just say that I've so dearly missed you saying the word absolutely.
Yes. It's music to my ears.
It's always a pleasure. I tell people all the time, D&D is a fun game where we just affirm everything we're going to do.
Never a wrong answer. There just might be interesting consequences.
And in this particular case, as you are approaching these eggs and picking them up and then carrying them over to the campfire with all intents of you're either going to just crack these open right now or maybe cook them or something, suddenly you do hear more crashing distantly from the south. And then from that bush to the west, there's actually a voice calling out of the bush crying out no no no the egg please please don't don't and it's a it's a female voice a human woman is emerging from out of the bush she is wearing these whitish silverish robes it doesn't look like she's been traveling through the woods for a long time her robes look really nice.
And she reads out and says, please, please don't just break them.

Don't just destroy them.

They're valuable.

They're precious.

Can she hatch them?

Like Khaleesi?

Ooh.

Ooh.

Good question, Hank.

So, can she sit on these eggs for us?

When you ask her that, this woman laughs and says, well, you don she sit on these eggs for us? She when you ask her that this woman laughs and says, no, well, you don't. Well, you don't sit on them here.
Watch. Watch the the white egg.
You should place far away from the fire if you want it to hatch. It's a cold dragon.
It's not going to light those flames. And that black dragon egg.
I can I can help you with that. She reaches for egg are you offering up the egg yeah um are we good are we just giving it to her dude trust trust her is she cool she seems pretty down to clown is she like a cool ass chick if anyone is not sure whether they trust her you are free to roll a d20 to make an insight i want to do an insight check i want to do an inside check wow i want to just be like pft is trying to kill the vibe.
Karen FT. Yeah.
10. I got a 10 an insight check.
I want to do an insight check. Wow.
I want to just be like. PFT is trying to kill the vibe.
Taron FT. Yeah.
Ten. I got a ten.
Jesus, man. And Wayne, it looks like your insight skill is plus zero, I'm sorry to say.
Yeah, I'm pretty dumb. You just got a flat ten on that.
As far as you can tell, she just cares about these eggs. She seems trustworthy.
She seems cool. Yeah, here's the egg.
Okay. I also.
She like it on the record that I would like to tell her, sorry that PFT the Bard just bothered you. I just want to say that to her.
Absolutely. She shrugs it off.
She's just staring at the egg. She seems to be barely even paying attention to, like, anything people are saying to her.
She just says, this poor baby. poor baby oh well we need some kind of marsh gas or swamp water or something what that's this one and he's twin brother over here if we can get some kind of swamp water that's really the environment this egg is going to want you you weren't planning on eating this thing were you no no no can i can no.
Can I just tell her that I'll just say like out loud to Wayne. You're Wayne, right? No, I'm Norm.
You're Norm. I got a big ass cock.
I want to say out loud to Norm. Norm, it's so cool that you know how to handle this egg because you've got a baby at home and you've got to make sure that you're taking good care of it.
I just want to let Norm know that in front of the girl.

That's what makes you dependable.

She seems like she's focused on our eggs right now and is in fact moving over to grabbing

some of the others.

Okay.

So we need some swamp water?

Now, I don't want to give all of our eggs.

I will give...

I'll side with PFT a little bit. Let's let her try to hatch a couple of these.
Let's not give up every egg. That feels dangerous.
Absolutely. She's going to hopefully try to take the white and the black egg that you were about to do something with.
And she's moving the white egg far away from the fire right now. The black egg, you see her starting to like dig a trench almost.
And it's obvious that she knows exactly how to hatch these different eggs. She's looking at the others, making plans in her head.
Wayne the Bard would be able to tell that even with a 10 right now. But with the 10, you can also tell this.
There's another crash to the south. And then she turns and looks in that direction and she says did did you all hear that and with a 10 you know she's asking us if we heard that but she heard it very clearly and she knows something about that crashing that she's not saying it's it sounds to me like you remember in jurassic park when raptors would hunt and there would be one to the side that distracts you while the other one comes at you?

I feel like this chick is bad news.

Uh-oh.

Okay.

She's bad news.

Since you only got a 10 on insight, anybody else could try to roll insight as well and see how they do on that.

Otherwise, you could try to persuade her or intimidate her if you wanted her to spill more info.

Right now, she seems like she's being honest with us.

Okay.

I'll roll.

I'm very worried about that crash.

15.

15.

It's a plus one. But still, a sixteen is enough that, yes, you can tell that she knows exactly what the crashing noise is to the south.
She's very worried about it, you can tell that she knows exactly what the crashing noise is to the south.

She's very worried about it.

You can tell.

Sincerely, you think she's worried about it.

But she's not saying more about what the crashing noise is because she is hiding something from us.

You don't know what, but she's hiding a secret.

You want to like assign – At the very least she knows what that thing to the south is. You want to send our journalist there to see if you can do some reporting for us? Yeah.
Why don't you go in there? Is Jake's mic on? Test, test. There we go.
I will go into the field for the team. Yeah, let's embed you with this woman.
Yes, go find out, Jake. All right, let's do it.
You start to head to the south where that crashing is coming from cake. Is that right? Yeah.
If you're approaching cautiously, you could either use your stealth, which is only a plus three, or you could use your perception. Your perception is also plus three.
My mistake. So either way, you can roll a d20 plus three to see if you can approach this noise without being seen or heard yourself by whatever it is.
Here we go. Yeah.
D20 plus three. 11.
Okay. And that is that before the plus three? 14.
So it's a 14 total. With a 14, you are moving into a clearing where you see some trees have been knocked over and there's a hazy green gas that is floating in the air.
It seems that it was not in other parts of the forest that you were moving through. And then suddenly something pokes its head out from around a tree.
It is a dragon that is the size of a large horse spreading its wings, stepping from around the tree it has green scales all over its body and kind of a very dinosaur like fin kind of growing out at the top of its back it is a very jurassic park type moment as you realize that this dragon has you in its sights and is starting to slither closer to you moving on all four of its limbs what do you do cake do i have any powers say you got spotted what powers do i have uh you have a lot of spells at your disposal i want to warn you right now that if you start moving full speed you'll move quicker if you move and then also cast a spell you'll move a little bit slower but maybe you'll slow this dragon down and you do have uh ice magic spells that can slow creatures down you have fire magic spells that usually deal the most damage also since you've leveled up you would have access to new spells including a spell called earthbind that anchors flying creatures to the ground that you can try to use that yeah we're going for that yeah absolutely you're noticing things starting to spread its wings and you think it's a lot faster flying than it is on the ground so suddenly you start to cast your earthbind spell these yellowish tendrils come leaping out of the ground and wrap up the wings of this creature and now i need to roll a saving throw as the dragon struggles it is trying to break free of the earthbind spell i am sorry to say cake that i just rolled a critical hit on the die the dragon with barely any efforts flexes its wings and there is a popping sound like rubber bands snapping and your earthbind spell is completely broken the dragon says in draconic which i know your character speaks well that didn't go so well and starts laughing at you you can tell that this is a female young dragon and if you want to know more facts about it you do have very good arcana if there's if you feel like information right now is important you still have a chance to roll an arcana check before your turn is done yeah let's learn more about this i just i wanted on the record this is a timeout real quick billy is in the room he's obviously dead like six different times but tim he has his headphones in and when you said it's a very young female dragon his head popped up okay he noticed that i would say we noticed from inside the griffin's stomach, like there's a lump that's kind of turning. That's his boner.
Something inside of his stomach. His attention has been changed for sure.
A little internal boner. Depending on how much, what exactly we feed the griffin will determine whether or not the griffin vomits up any items, but so far it is only muffled noises we are hearing from the griffin.
Okay. Cake, you can try your arcana check.
You have a plus five. Actually, you have upgraded to a plus six on this now.
All right. That's a crazy toss.
Five. Crazy toss.
A six. I'll tell you the basic information.
With a plus six, you got an 11. So the basic information is this is this this is a young green dragon and you believe that green dragons are poison dragons they are forest dragons but their element is poison and that means they breathe a poisonous breath that is what these green hazy fumes are in the air and they are immune immune to poison.
So you know not to use poison damage against a green dragon. But that is the only information you know so far about this dragon.
And since the dragon has spotted you, I'm going to need us to roll into initiative now. I'm happy to say the dragon rolled bad on initiative.
But each of us are going to need to roll a d20. And I will tell us what bonus to add.
Most of us, actually all of us, have a plus two bonus on this, except Cake has a plus three bonus on this. So if everyone rolls a d20, check out the results.
Wayne, was that you with a 20? Then you got a 22, and Wayne, you'll almost definitely be leaping into action first. Okay, I got a 10.
Six. A 10, and that's a 12 total for Norm then.
That's good news. And how did you do, Cake? Six.
Yeah, he's bad at this game. Straight up.
We're a team. I'm literally sacrificing my life for you guys, and you're treating me like SHIT.
Just be better. That's a nine total.
The good news is you'll go ahead of the dragon, but not ahead of your teammates. And let me ask how Ehrlich the warlock did.
I got a four. Oh! Again, you're going ahead of the dragon.
That's the good news. But right now, of the teammates, you are going to be the last to react.
Yikes. Good job, Jake.
Wayne, on your turn first, you would be leaping into action. I would say that right now, Cake is kind of one move away from you.
So you could use your move to catch up to him, and then you have your action to cast a spell or do an attack, and you still have your bonus action to inspire somebody if you would like to inspire anybody in this situation. So wait, who's it? I think it's you.
Is that me? Yeah, that's that. Weighing the bar.
Okay, so yeah, roll the 20. I think I would like to...
I really want to still impress this chick. She seems like she's cool.
Can I... Can I tame the dragon in front of her and show her like a wild stallion has been tamed underneath my, my spells.
And then she'll get really impressed and want to go, you know, hang out with me, maybe get a couple of flagons of ale later. Absolutely.
So I'll ask you, there's two ways you could do this. You could either try animal handling the skill, which would probably very much offend a dragon who is a talking sentient creature.
You could try to persuade it with your very good deception skill, or you have one spell called Suggestion. Charm Person, your normal spell for hypnotizing people, doesn't work against dragons, but Suggestion would, and that's exactly like Jedi Mind Trick, basically.
You go, I think you should do this, and as long as it's a reasonable course of action and the dragon fails its saving throw, then it is going to obey whatever that suggestion is.

You know what I want to do?

I want to introduce this dragon to Blake Griffin.

I want to introduce him and maybe try to set them up together.

I feel like maybe they would get along really well.

All right.

Yeah.

I mean, so far you can tell.

Cake did determine this is a female dragon.

Blake is a male Griffin.

You're not sure how that works, but we'll find out if it is a reasonable suggestion in just a moment.

And so you're trying to set the two of them up. Do you have a specific wording on what you're saying to this dragon? Yeah, my friend over there thinks you're really cute.
Okay, that's great. Excellent.
All right. So let's see how the saving throw goes.
And with a total of an eight on the saving throw, that is not a success against your spell save DC. The dragon looks and then does a double take.
And then you see her raise one eyebrow and she doesn't say anything, but you know, she is considering what, why does this, why does this Griffin like me? And she starts to spread her wings to make them look more majestic she's turning kind of like a cat showing off different like oh my my scales are quite gleaming are they not and it seems like she is more intrigued than definitely interested but curious about why exactly this griffin might be feeling this way we've got the dragon very distracted to say the least and depending on what we do on our next turn we could get this dragon more on our side or deeper into this relationship perhaps what's interesting is norm would be up next now norm you don't have to do anything in theory you're maybe not the person to be leaping in to persuade the dragon but you could try if you want to talk to this dragon and not put us back into a fight necessarily, but up to you, whatever you'd like to do. And correct me if I'm wrong, but if the dragon wants to eat us, I'm the first person in line, right? Yeah.
In theory, Ehrlich the Warlock is very bite-sized of all of our characters for sure. I'd also point out that Ehrlich is our other very persuasive character.

Can I use my...

Wait. Is it my turn?

No. Whose turn is it? Norm's turn.

I'm sorry.

You got Norm on your brain.

You should just smack him.

Can I beat the fuck out of Ehrlich?

No, just like an open-handed slap.

Ehrlich's getting out of line right now.

I want to kill this dragon. You can definitely leap in to attack the dragon.
She will remain distracted by the griffon still a little bit. So you can still attack her.
I mean, we have dragon eggs. Yeah, but you're C-blocking Blake.
Yeah, but I don't want Hank's right. I'm being a good team player.
Hank is at risk. He's a little bitch and the dragon could kill him in like he's bites.
He's like a little bite sized muffin. He's an emu's bush and Billy is inside Blake's stomach right now.
I would almost like for Billy to see this new dragon get re- horny again and then have the dragon just absolutely roast him and kill him again. I want Billy to keep getting rejected.

Billy's dead. Yeah, but he's inside Blake's stomach.

So what do you want me to do? That's fine. Kill it.

No, I'll do whatever you want me to do. Let's kill the dragon.

I'll do whatever you want me to do. Do you want me to cut

can I cut Billy out

of the griffin?

You want me to cut him out? No.

I'll cut him out. I'll cut him out of the griffin's stomach

so now I'm killing the griffin? Are we cool with the griffin?

We saved the griffin. We're pretty cool with him.
He helped us in a fight in the hatchery. Don't kill the griffin.
We could also potentially punch him in the stomach and see if the head just doesn't pop out. Yeah, maybe gag him, too.
Norm could gag him. Norm could definitely gag him.
So see if we can gag him and get Billy out. You know, the griffin, since this is what you're doing on your on your turn, the Griffin had been commenting, you know, I don't feel so well.
One of those bites didn't go down so well. So he actually appreciates when you kind of like, you know, give him the hand down the throat, as it were, and go ahead and roll with a plus six on athletics to see if you can poo right in the stomach and then 16 that is enough that suddenly flying out of blake the griffin's uh beak uh there is a round object that is still wearing a horned helmet uh but it is the uh mostly digested skull of berserker billy which lands at your feet.
There is a single bit of flesh around the eye and one eyeball that then rotates around to look around at us. And in theory, the kid can speak.
I would like to legit just poke it in the eye. Just one good poke.
The eye immediately pokes back in through the skull and falls falls through the eye socket so there are no no eyes anymore i can't see all right that's good good good good all right uh do i have anything else in my turn or is it next person uh in theory that that'll say was your action probably unless you want to do another attack you kind of have more than one of those as a frenzy bar no someone else go yeah excellent you certainly got the head in your hand if you want to grab it. Okay, yeah, I'll hold Billy's skull in my hand.
That's kind of badass. Now, at this moment, you're holding the skull, and that is from when from out of the woods, another figure suddenly comes sprinting.
They were watching, apparently, from further away. They are not quiet because they're wearing heavy plate armor, but it seems like they are rushing towards this green dragon as though they are trying to save us or rush to our aid.
And as he flips up the visor, we recognize the face of Sir O, who has followed us from the village of Greenest, apparently. He said, let's get this dragon.
We got to go now. Now, if you want, Norm, at this point, since all you did was grab this head and get the head out of the griffin, you could shout to Sir O, no, we're not attacking the dragon right now, if you wanted to.
You could call him off, if you wish. And then that would bring us to Cake's turn next.
Or you could let Sir O uh do what he's doing which apparently involves jumping up onto the dragon and trying to put it in a headlock seems to be his plan that seems pretty cool like is it me no big cat you get to determine what you want sir o to do and then it goes to jake yeah yeah headlock let coach o cook headlock him headlock his ass I'm going to let you roll for Coach O, the number he needs to Jake. Yeah, headlock.
Let Coach O cook. Headlock him.
Headlock his ass. I'm going to let you roll for Coach O.
The number he needs to beat. The dragon rolled a one.
The number he needs to beat is a total of like a six. So please roll for Coach O.
Fourteen. Fourteen.
Coach O has this dragon in a headlock, and he's just flipping all around like someone trying to hold on to a loose fire hose, and this dragon is whipping him around back and forth. He is not letting go.
He is riding the Bronco right now. And he shouts, go Ligers! As he's keeping his grip upon the dragon.
And that would bring us to Cake's turn. Cake, what would you like to do? Cake, just make sure no pictures of Coach O riding that dragon get on social media.
Yeah, I'm a team player, but am I hurt for my last turn? You're always hurt. You are not hurt, actually.
You haven't been attacked by the dragon yet. All right, I'm going for him again.
Absolutely. Were you going to use an attack against him? Was that right? Yeah.
Oh, were you going to try to use the earthbind spell upon him again? Is that what you wanted to do? Yeah, doubling down. You're going back to the Earthbind? Yep.
Or you could use a spell that deals damage. Or I would also point out that you also could have the spell suggestion potentially if you wanted to try to hypnotize this dragon additionally.
Yeah, let's do that. Let's do that.
Excellent. So already we've got this dragon agreeing with the suggestion that that griffin over there likes you and maybe you should do something about that he's taking that suggestion you can build on this now what would your suggestion be let's try to keep setting them up like uh mr commenter said can you put some music on like what's a good across the room song for somebody to like look at and you know the world stops and you just zoom in on them like

sexual healing sexual dragons oh thunder nice thunder by can he play thunder by imagine dragons

he starts to play thunder by imagine dragons to set the mood as it were

the name of the spell is suggestion i feel like that's enough i feel like you have created a highly suggestive atmosphere and so i'm gonna roll a saving throw for this dragon and the dragon has rolled a total of a 12 which is not enough at the very least you have a spell save dc of 13 and the dragon you see she had one raised eyebrow she was trying to fight off Sir O. She turns to the Gryphon again.
She raised an eyebrow and then she raised her other eye ridge. And you see that her eyes start to get a little sparkly.
And you're starting to think that to her, this Gryphon looks very heroic, is cutting a very impressive figure, and that she would like to talk to this dragon. And she says to you, Cake, who is that? Who is that, Griffin? What is this creature? Who is he? And she's asking you.
Now, right now, you've still got your move. You could roll a persuasion check on her right now to convince her of whatever you want.
Alright, let's roll and hopefully high.

I'm due for a high roll, so.

Absolutely.

Your technique on rolls is ridiculous.

So bad, Jake.

So bad.

Jake's never, ever rolled anything ever in his life.

Do you know how to roll dice, how to cast a die?

Yeah, do it for dramatic effect.

Alright, alright, go ahead.

Ten.

There you go.

Good roll.

No, wait, can he roll twice?

Do now do the your way, too. Let's see which one's better.
See which one's better. Twelve.
Twelve. Okay.
All right. I'm getting some respect back from my team.
Stick with your way. Absolutely.
So we got a 12 on that one. And unfortunately, I'm sorry to say you only have a plus one on this.
With a 13, you are definitely getting her to admire the Griffin even more. But it is unclear what she is going to do to sir o in just a moment it still looks like she might tear sir o off her neck and throw him in her efforts to go talk to that griffin which brings us to erlik's turn just before the dragon gets to do anything and erlik you're the most convincing of maybe any of our characters in some situations.
You have high charisma, same as the bard. What would you like to do right now? But I'm also closest to getting attacked, right? You are kind of in theory.
Well, I also want to point out that while you're the most bite-sized, you don't have the least hit points. You have 31 hit points, and Cake the Wizard has 26.
So it kind of like, in theory, Cake the Wizard might be in a little more danger than you. Yeah, you're nice to rest it.
I was thinking, yeah, I was thinking of using my turn to dip set and just get out of dodge, but I guess I will use my turn. After I try to save you? I'll remember this.
I said I was thinking about, it's called fight or flight. You think both both things and I'm going to fight.
I will remember this.

I guess I'm going to use my powers

to cast a convincing spell on

the dragon. Absolutely.

Since you

also have second level spell

slots at this point, you would also have access

to the spell suggestion for

argument's sake. Let's say you have that right now

and what suggestion

would you like to make upon this dragon?

Well, I would like to know.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this

Thank you. argument's sake, let's say you have that right now.
And what suggestion would you like to make upon this dragon? Well, I would like to know. I have a sneaking suspicion that this woman that PFT is trying to smash is actually in cahoots with the dragon.
I'm not trying to smash. I'm just.
I think the woman and the dragon are in cahoots to steal our dragon eggs. I think she's a very interesting person.
So I would like to find out from the dragon if her and the woman are in cahoots. Absolutely.

I will roll the saving throw versus suggestion as you ask that you should tell us that information. The dragon, ooh, the dragon rolled a 14, which I believe against your spell saving DC, which has just become 15.
That is not quite enough. and the green dragon turns to look at the human woman who is rushed into this battle after us, watching this whole scene kind of hanging back behind us.
That dragon says, working with her, a silver dragon who disguises herself as a human. Oh my God.
I would never. So the woman's a dragon.
She's a dragon after all. I hate silver dragons, she says.
Damn. Okay.
Now, you still can make a persuasion check upon her right now, Ehrlich, if you wish to. Yeah, let's do it.
I'm sorry. No, no, no.
You've used your move to get here. You just cast a suggestion spell.
You still have your bonus action, which means you can command your little familiar, your imp.

I'm trying to remember the name.

Bob Costas was the name, yeah.

Well, Bob Costas was the name of your little kobold who is currently following you around.

And he's one of our minions.

I want to point out you had an imp that you had recently acquired.

You had named it after your cat, I remember, Hank.

LeBron, LeBron, yeah, yeah got your baby Bron yeah it's LeBron excellent so you got your little imp with a scorpion tail if you would like to command this imp to do anything it can turn invisible and do things just so you know yeah it's called gameasted. It was actually Game 5 against the Mavs.
So roll? Roll and then decide what we're going to do. You could give it specific instructions if you want to do anything.
It could fly over and sting somebody or it could whisper in somebody's ear or something, or it could do nothing right now. You could keep it hanging back on your shoulder.
Yeah, I don't know really what it could do. Like, I don't think the imp is going to be able to kill the dragon.
Maybe if it whispers to the girl, like, let's fuck this dragon up together. Absolutely.
So you're having your imp whisper. Why doesn't the girl just turn into a dragon? The girl is a dragon, Hank.
Well, is it a girl or is it a dragon? It's a dragon disguised as a girl. Right.
So we should get the girl to turn into the dragon and then fight the other dragon. But it is a dragon.
You're saying reveal yourself as a dragon. Yes.
Yeah. I got you.
Okay. Yeah.
I would let you roll a persuasion check for your imp who has a pretty big bonus. I think it's at least a plus three.
But you can roll for your imp to see how persuasive your imp is when it whispers that. 20.
Whoa. That's funny.
That's how you do it, Jake. Your imp whispers, and your imp is like, don't worry, I'm great at this.
And when your imp lies over, it starts guilting this human woman. Like, don't you feel like real bad for all this trickery? Trickery is not very nice.
And the imp is, of course, a master of trickery, knows how to mess with people's psychology. And you see this human woman start to look bad.
She lowers her head. And then she, with a roar, suddenly begins to grow.
Her silver robes transform. And suddenly before us is a silver-scaled dragon that is decidedly larger than the green dragon it lets out a roar and the green dragon immediately starts cowering and says this is unfair what are you doing here and back and forth they start to talk in draconic which means that cake at the very least you would be able to translate and what you're able to pick up of the conversation is that the dragon the green dragon is highly confused by our suggestion spells and is explained to the silver dragon that well i i was originally here looking for something i was sniffing something out that i was searching for i'm working under orders i'm looking for something right now but now all i care about is that damn griffin over there i need to know why are his feathers so golden and his crest so majestic why does he like me and the silver dragon just begins to laugh and chuckle to herself and then whispers to us well well done i think that this green dragon could follow us uh for quite a while without realizing that we have her under magical spells.
Congratulations. It seems that she is well taken care of here.
This green dragon is an evil creature, but you have tamed it most impressively. I am sorry for my deception.
My name, well, you can call me Elia. But the moment that I sensed your dragon eggs, I immediately had to seek you out before she was able to catch you.
And she's kind of whispering this to us while the green dragon cannot hear us. Do we have anything to say to Elia, the silver dragon? I was mad.
That's what it sounds like to me. I don't know.
So it sounds like there's a little rivalry going on right here.

Yeah, we're in the middle of this.

Yeah. Greany-meany.
I feel like we just got to – we lose our focus sometimes as a unit when there are female of any species involved. Are you pointing the finger at yourself now? We got to get back to basics.
We got to get back to bro-ing out. Yeah.
Go back to our man cave. We got all these eggs.
Yeah. And we need to stop collectively die-shaming.
Yes, we need to die- Die-shaming? We do have to start rolling better dice. We'll start- It's a two-way street, my friend.
My team is dishing me. Yeah.
Okay. All right.
So, let's- What should we- Let's figure out, like, one decisive action that we can then leave for the people. the people.
So what's our next big decisive action? I want to hatch my own dragon, like our group dragon, so we have collectively a child that we're raising now. Can we make them fight each other? Can we make them fight each other to death? Can we be like, yo, you should have heard what she was saying about you before you showed up, dude.
You could absolutely roll to make these dragons fight each other. Right now, Ellia is suggesting that she could probably convince this green dragon to maybe keep following us around.
That's such an Ellia thing to say. Ellia needs to have, like, one little hanger-on that tells her that everything that she does is great.
Her hair always looks awesome. And meanwhile, it's all about Elia, Elia, Elia.
That's, no, I, I want them to fight. I want them, I want there to be a blow-up, and then I want to go back.
I want to, I want to hatch our own dragon, and then we'll have a son or a daughter to look after. Absolutely.
Go ahead and roll, Ben, the check to see if you can convince Elia to fight this green dragon. That's another 20.
That's another 20. Fight, fight, fight.
Absolutely. Elia says, I am absolutely ready to show you that I can fight this dragon because I agree.
We shouldn't try recruiting a green dragon. They can't be trusted ultimately.
Magic, sure, can control them, but I don't trust that dragon.

And I'm going to show you how we good dragons take care of the evil dragons.

I am a silver dragon and we are one of the good dragons. And when I defeat this dragon, I'm going to show you how it goes.
and then I'm going to explain to you why it is I among the silver dragons who should be helping you hatch all eight of the eggs that you have because if we have me and get rid of this green dragon and then have all eight of those other eggs under our control those hatchlings then that means that we are only and she starts starts counting, eight eggs plus me. We just need two more dragons on our side.
And then we might have enough of a force to take on the enemy dragons. I sensed your eight eggs, and that is why I came to seek you out because i have never seen so many

eggs clustered together that we could hatch and together we need 11 dragons to accomplish something against a team of enemy dragons and if we have your dragons on our side then we can maybe offer a group of contenders.

Yeah.

In what we call the dragon wars,

but among humans and elves,

you have a different name for it.

You call it the dragon bowl.

And if you can get our eight dragons that you have,

plus me, plus two more dragons.

She looks at the green dragon and says,

no, I'm about to fight her.

Then we might have a team that we can assemble to fight okay the dragon bowl okay so now do we want to kill this green dragon now now we probably say hey let's keep the green dragon for roster depth because it wouldn't be bad if we had 12 in case someone gets hurt yeah i mean you can always you can always go next man up right if we have a dragon hurt now. But is that going to mess with team chemistry? Is that a locker room cancer? Can we end maybe with that? Can we ask the Green Dragon, like, yo, are you going to be chill about this? Are you going to do your job? Are you going to buy in and be a team player? You see, first of all, Elia, like, oh, this is good.
We're going to recruit this person just like we're recruiting the eggs. And we see the green dragon start to look around confused and go, sure, yes.
And Coach O is shaking his head and offering some warnings that he does not see team chemistry really coming together. With that adult green dragon.

That minimum plus incentive.

So it's a low risk.

I mean, Coach O can recruit them to

buy in, right? Like, we can get this

guy to buy in.

Coach O,

Sir O says, I'm going to need to talk

to this green dragon. I'm going to really need to convince

it and get it, you know, working as a team unit.

But I think you let

me talk to that green dragon. I'll

be able to take care of him. I think we trust Sir O.

I don't know if I like Juco transfers coming into our squad, though. I think we trust Zuro to get this Dragon to buy into the team and be like, hey, you come here, we can win some championships.
Okay. Tell you what.
We'll give it a spot. Yeah.
But But we're gonna keep it on a very short leash Okay

Can we have Cake put like

Just one of those earthbinds on it

So it's actually on a short leash?

Mm-hmm

She says if you let me talk to that griffin

Then I'll let you cast an earthbind spell on me

Okay, we'll keep her happy with the

Yeah, try it

Keep her sedated with the daddy dick

Yeah, yeah, try it, try it

He's having a long talk with the griffin

While wrapped up in these yellow magic bands

Thank you. Okay, we'll keep her happy with the...
Yeah, try it. Keep her sedated with the daddy dick.
Yeah, yeah, try it. Try it.
He's having a long talk with the griffin

while wrapped up in these yellow magic bands.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

And then, so, yeah, so where do we leave this off?

How do we leave this for next time?

So Ellie is going to let us know that it sounds like

if we're recruiting this green dragon who introduces herself,

she says her name is Nihilaptia, our latest recruit.

Then she says we're only missing one dragon to fully flesh out our team. We've got to hatch these eggs and I'm going to help you with that.
But then there's one other thing that we need. If we're going to be contenders in the Dragon Bowl, our team needs to go to dwarven mines where a certain crystal grows by which the armor which the dragons wear are made we need our team uniforms and right now we don't have any uniforms so we're gonna need to go get our team some uniforms next time i like the rush yes let's go For sure, alternates, throwbacks.
Yeah, let's do it all. Get the visors going.

Yep, yep.

Let's do it all. Visors.
Let's do it all. Next time we'll have to decide uniforms or are we getting our last team member or are we just going into Dragon Ball? Awesome.
Well Tim, thank you. We're excited.
Also, just to make sure that I understand, I'm still holding Billy's skull right you are still all right i want to smash it i want to smash it absolutely you're able to smash it on the ground it explodes there are noises coming out of the shattered skull they are now muffled yeah i'll take a little piece of it with me that's it i'm take a little piece in case we want to reanimate him later so we can kill him again.

Like a necklace. Yeah.
We'll take one of those. Can I just crush up a little bit of his skull and just snort a little and then piss on the rest? Yeah.
That's perfect. Absolutely.
Okay. All right.
Tim, thank you as always. We really appreciate it.
We'll see you soon. All right? Such a pleasure.
See you all soon. All right.
Thank you, Tim. Thank you.
See you, Tim. Bye.
That episode of Dungeons & Dragons is brought to you by our very good friends over at... We're going to get right back to the show.
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All right, back to part of my take. And now, Goldberg.
And now for something completely different. Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest, one of the baddest men alive.
He's got the Georgia Bulldog Cup. It is actor, wrestler, podcaster, Bill Goldberg.
Football player. Football player.
You know him as Goldberg. Football player.
Football player. Let's talk actually.
You forgot the most important part. Yeah, let's talk football first, Goldberg, because we're football guys.
This is a football podcast. You know, that's our bread and butter.
You're Georgia Bulldogs. They just are so disappointing year in and year out.
What's up with man yeah it's it's it's amazing how they

hover up to you know in the top five or top 10 but um i mean obviously it's a weird season man they didn't have the best showing last weekend they pulled it out but um auburn's a tough game i mean after playing them four different times throughout my tenure uh let's see if they got some cojones this weekend. I like that.
But you like them. You like them against the Auburn Tigers.
Breaking up. I'd say the scariest thing in the world is to have a Zoom breakup with Goldberg because I can feel the frustration on your face, and I'm terrified of you.
I've always been terrified. No, dude, it's all good, man.
I do this podcast in my sleep uh you know it's all good it's all good getting ready for the weekend man i get nothing nothing else to do uh my most 220 acres whoa that sounds pretty awesome that sounds incredibly relaxing hold on do you have a playlist for that i do not i do not i just like to listen to the uh to the great outdoors man okay well we got a we got a guy who's got a playlist so we can maybe get you on the one got a little bit of everything yeah so we'll hook you up with that um you got my most important question for you is i think that i think you're an all-time traps guy i think you have yes you have the best traps maybe in the history of the human of the human race. I think that's fair to say.
What's your trap secret? Um, I just have a horrible neck from the onset of your football career and you have to do traps every day, the rest of your life. So it's like, it's compensating for not being able to work out your neck.
You just get the traps muscles to be become so big that they kind of blend into your neck? Well, it's in addition to the neck.

You know, you got to do one. If you don't do one, you might as well not do the other.
But, you know, it's a support system, you know, for those shoulder pads. Yeah, okay.
I mean, you do have incredible neck muscles. Your wrestling career, fantastic.
I was always a fan. The spear was electric.
It was, you know, had the uh wcw versus wwf wars going on late 90s early aughts you started though 173 and oh people are saying there should be an asterisk with that do you what do you say to those people why should there be an asterisk to it that would be my first question because i was a guy and did it as opposed to a girl doing it in the WWE no they said that maybe it was a little like you got 173 wins so fast that you know uh it's almost impossible to get go 173 and oh and do it as quickly as you did I mean I watched a lot of them you speared guys quickly but uh do you think sometimes maybe it was a little too much too fast oh man I was on the road 220 days a year my first year. So, I mean, I don't think it's out of the ordinary that it could happen the way that it did.
But, you know, the streak was a whole, it was a creature in and of itself. You know, as good as it was coming down to its demise, you know, it was a tough thing to get out of.
So as honored as I was for being that guy to go 173 and 0, it was a, it was a huge burden every night at the same time. Yeah.
Like you said, you're a football guy first, you know, you played in college, you played, you had a cup of coffee in the NFL. At what point did you realize that you could make the transition to becoming a wrestler? And was that ever like a backup plan for you? No, never a backup plan.
I mean, I had my older brothers had ties with the wrestling industry, you know, when I was three or four years old, my oldest brother roomed with Patera and my other brother had a house with Ric Flair. So ironically, it was in my life way before I actually even knew it.
But you know, what got me to do it was the fact that my accountant called me one day and said, you know, you weren't an all pro, you surely didn't bank a lot of money, you might want to get off your ass and go figure out what you want to do the rest of your life. And I had no plan.
You know, I had zero plan. The only thing I aspired to be was an NFL football player.
So when that got taken away from me because of an injury and mostly because of my lack of talent, you know, I hit a brick wall at 180 miles an hour. So I had to figure out what the hell I was going to do.
I really didn't have a backup plan, even though I had, you know, was a psychology major. It doesn't mean that I was going to go out and start telling people how to run their lives that would actually be fantastic to watch you be like a therapist or have you know that's a television series right there yes yes and then you and then like if the person starts uh you know getting too emotional you just spear them and you're like absolutely pick your life up get back to work or i'll spear you spear you again.
Yeah, I'll really give you something to worry about. I do love how your signature move was the spear, which is essentially it's just a tackle.
So you're demonstrating that you're a football guy through and through. You don't need like a fancy gimmick.
You just hit the shit out of somebody. When you were starting your wrestling career, did anybody suggest to you, hey, you might want to come up with something that's not just a tackle, or were they just straight up impressed from the fact that the perfect form tackle is always going to be something people want to see? Well, I just remember the first time I was getting ready to go out, and we were taping at Universal, and the guy looks at me before I went out, and he goes, what's your finish? And I said, what do you mean? What's my finish? And he goes, well, whatever you do, it's got to be spectacular.
And so I went out there. I told Manny Fernandez in the ring to tuck his head between his legs and kiss his ass goodbye, and I hope you trust me.
And that was the birth of the spear. You know, the jackhammer came from Sarge down at the power plant.
You know, I guess Malenko had done that overseas in Japan, and he did it from the top turnbuckle. And so I obviously was never going to climb to the top turnbuckle.
So I just put my own little flair to it, made sure I could do it to everybody 400 pounds and under, although there was an asterisk there with the giant or with the big show. But, yeah, I thought it was a pretty good combination.
But, you know, it paid tribute to my football days. Yeah.
And it was something I didn't have to learn. Yeah.
And you were amazing at it. Was there one spear in particular that you look back on and that was like, that was the most electric one? That's the one that, you know, if they could remember me by, that's the one.
the one oh i'd say i mean the christian spear has been played you know millions and millions of times i'd say that one was picture perfect um there were a number of people that i did him did it on that i was very appreciative of so that might have given me uh you know positive feedback for myself other than the quality of the spear but i'm watching the christian spear back right now that is so fucking good that's so electric just perfectly timed up every second of it i mean that has everything to do with the success of the spears the guy taking it too yeah yes that's a good point what's the trick to selling a spear just like letting your body go limp and just letting letting you just cut them in half absolutely i mean it's it's all about relaxing it's all and you know one little trick is you get the guy to elevate steiner taught me that one he's like let me jump before i hit you i'm like you know that sounds kind of cool but dangerous at the same time but you know like i said it was you know 10 goldberg and 90 the guy taking it um are you still a vegetarian i was never a vegetarian i don't know where that came from that was like the biggest rumor i remember back in the day being like can you believe goldberg's a vegetarian and he's this fucking jacked so that's fully debunked because absolutely i got i got 20 longhorns on my property, for God's sake. I'm not a vegetarian.
What's the longest you've ever gone without eating meat? Probably two hours. So you were a vegetarian.
You were the number one vegetarian in the world. You're the most famous vegetarian for two hours at a time.
Exactly. So I am a vegetarian, just in shifts.

Yeah.

In between my cannibalistic eating.

Wait, you eat humans?

Ooh.

Did you just admit to eating humans on our podcast?

I like that.

Yeah.

Throw me in the list of other wrestlers that during Corona

are making up stories about themselves.

It is the new diet, the intermittent vegetarianism. I do it for several hours a day, off and on, off and on.
Yes. What, uh, did you hate Gilbert? I did in the beginning that, you know, I had no sense of humor.
I didn't really, in the beginning I took the business way too seriously. I mean, um, I, I mean, I did and I didn't.
The fact that the fact of the matter is I had to be Goldberg, you know, like 24-7, you know. I had to psych myself up and I had to be that guy.
And that guy didn't come with the many niceties. But once I understood why people do the things that they do and looked at that more so as flattery than it was an insult, you know, I, I got it.
I didn't want to rip his head off when I met him. He was a good dude.
Yeah. And I'm happy that I would say that they were able to provide him a job throughout, you know, making fun of me.
Right. Yeah.
And you had, you had a very long, obviously very successful career. In terms of football.
You know, your career usually peaks. I think you peak athletically in the NFL between like twenty five and twenty eight, somewhere in that range.
But in wrestling, even though you were you stopped playing football because, you know, you had an injury and make the team. You go into wrestling and you peak a little bit later and you have a longer career.
At what point do you think wrestlerslers peak athletically it's all it's all relative man I mean I went through the ringer in football I never thought that I'd be able to lift again once I retired I tore my abdomen off of my pelvis I never thought I'd squat again never thought I'd do anything so it's all relative you know everybody's got a different story going in a lot of the guys like myself that were beat up going into the business, you know, I was literally one of the luckiest people that ever laced up boots. It wasn't a passion of mine.
I wasn't obsessed with it. I looked at it as a business.
I was successful. I was in the right place at the right time, the right package, I suppose, we put together.
And, you know, I suppose I was worthy at the time by being there at the right time to have that streak. and the fact is that if I had to get beat up all the time and and you know truly have year

after year of 220 days on the road, I wouldn't be in the physical condition I'm in now. Um, so it's all relative.
I, it's hard to say who's going to peak when at what age, because everyone has a different story coming in. So how did that work with your recruiting to Georgia? Were you, uh know, did you go on a bunch of scholarship trips? Did you, were you deciding between a bunch of different schools? Cause that's kind of an aspect.
Oh yeah, dude. I was, I was the top defensive lineman out of Oklahoma.
College was a completely different story. Right.
You know, college, college was, yeah, it was, that was different. I mean, I, yeah, I could have gone just about anywhere I wanted to.
I wanted, ironically, as I sit here in the state of Texas, I wanted to go to UT, but after my trip to Georgia and after meeting coach acres, the last place I wanted to be was in Austin. So, you know, the lineage at the university of Georgia and coach Dooley, you know, being recruited by Ray golf.
I mean, it was a wonderful experience that I couldn't have gone to a better place. I mean, I grew up in Oklahoma, right? And I was right down the road from OU, from OU and they were within the top five.
Switzer was the coach. If he would have been the coach anywhere else I would have gone, but there was no way I was going to grow up in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and go to college an hour and a half, two hours away.
I just wasn't going to do it. Huh.
That makes sense because, yeah, I mean, I've heard a ton of stories about how Barry Switzer was such a hell of a recruiter. I'd imagine he, you know, just his personality made you want to reconsider.
But I understand not wanting to be, like, in your backyard. I'm going to backyard.
Within five minutes of Switzer being in my house, he had his shoes off with a crown on the rocks in his hand laying on my couch. So, yeah, Switzer was the guy, no doubt.
Did he show up wearing one of those robes? He would have those almost Cruella DeVille style for a coach. No, but I do remember that year.
I do remember that year or a year before him recruiting, a picture of him recruiting Troy Aikman on the sidelines of Troy's game wearing a full-length mink coat and having some of the OU cheerleaders with him. Yes.
Yes. He was the man.
All I can say are those were the days. Yes.
Do you still hate the University of Florida? Oh, absolutely. Until the day I die.
No question about it. It's just one of those things.
Them and Georgia Tech. It's crazy looking back on your last year at Georgia.
You were the only player on the team to be drafted in the NFL. That's got be that can't happen many many years for for the Georgia Bulldogs no that just I mean yeah that's absolutely amazing to me yeah that I just I mean I just looked it up and I was kind of shocked um the final question is brought to you by Cross Country Mortgage America's crazy good mortgage company go to ccmlens.com slash take to learn more about your future home, buying experience, or refinancing needs, equal housing opportunity.
I had one last question. So you do work with ASPCA.
We do as well. You're a big cat guy? Are you a cat guy? No, no.
I'm a dog guy. I mean, I'm cool.
I'm cool. All the Mexican-cated animals, man.
I went on the hill and spoke about dog fighting and cock fighting about 20 years ago. And I'm a big, big, big advocate for the dog and cat, man.
Most of the dogs. I love it.
Bill Goldberg, cat guy and vegetarian. Cat guy, vegetarian.
Too scared to go to Oklahoma. Yeah, there's just a lot of things out there.
But do you still have Goatberg? Don't tell me Goatberg. No, man.
Unfortunately, Goatberg, he passed away. And we gave him back to his family.
And literally the day we gave him back, some dogs broke in. But you still love dogs to this day yeah i still love dogs when they weren't my dogs it wasn't my house so i i can't take control for it poor goat berg god damn it that's tragic that sucks man it sucks but we you know we look at my instagram we had a three-legged sheep here we had a little bird that we saved you know You know, we, man, I live in Texas now at a place called the Misfit Ranch.
We've got zebras. We've got donkeys.
We've got longhorn steer. We've got all kinds of stuff out here, man.
You're Tiger King. So we'll take them all in.
I love it. I love it.
What's next for Goldberg in the future? Like, obviously, we're going to do that sitcom where you just beat the shit out of a bunch of tech bros. But then after that's over, where do you see yourself, like, 20 years from now? Are you still going to, like, get back in the ring every five years? Oh, no, man.
I have an expiration date on my wrestling days, and it's a couple years from now because of the slow pace that I'm going at it right at this moment. But, you know i gotta there's a movie on the horizon there's a television show on the horizon um it's just you know when we get back to some sense of normalcy when we're gonna shoot again yeah do you how much do you bench oh who knows i haven't benched in 30 years oh so all right vegetarian cat guy doesn't bench.
That about sums it up. Just dumbbells, man.
You don't need to bench. All right.
How much do you curl? How much do I curl? Like for a max or something? Yeah. Max on curls, right? So it's 30.
Yeah. I don't know.
I don't know. I work out with 45s on each side.
So I work out with 135. So you know i'm weak man i'm an old man what about in your heyday squat 700 pounds oh okay how much do calf raise i don't do that you see never done that what about in your heyday what what could you bench or what could you uh curl i did uh 525 for three reps when i benched but i i kind of dropped it on myself and would throw it back up you know that cheating stuff yeah yeah trampoline i don't know back in the i yeah i could i could squat a little under 800 pounds other than that man i never really did any big lifts yeah that's yeah same with me i don't do like other than like squatting under 800 just i don't do the big stuff if i go above 800 i get worried because the bars that we have in my gym they've been too much and so i'm afraid i'm gonna snap it when i do what an outrageous thing to say yeah a little under 800 squatting but i don't i never did the big stuff yeah yeah no man i mean i wasn't that big i mean i was i was a big weight lifter I still am.
I train every night, but I'm not a numbers guy. I don't go in there to see how much I can lift.
As long as I can use 200 pounds and I can crush that thing for 10 to 20 reps, I'm good with it. I don't care about weights.
You still look like a beast. You're still a legend.
And we appreciate the time.

Whenever you're back up to New York, whenever all this ends, we'd love to have you in studio so we don't have to deal with the Zoom. And maybe I would let you spear me.
He's soft. It actually feels very comfortable, like massaging your traps.
I think the Zoom cut out again. Yeah, guys, big time.
I'm in New York. I'd love to stop by.
It was a pleasure. You guys be well.
Have a great week. All right.
You too, man. Take care.
Yes, go Dawgs. I bet on them.
Thank you, Goldberg. Appreciate it, man.
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That's GetRoman.com slash take and get that first month of swipes for just five dollars when you choose a monthly plan all right let's uh finish up with guys on checks guys on checks hey big dick daddy hank pft and big cat that is true i'm a big dick daddy i've been exclusive with a guy for five months, but don't know if he'll ever ask me to be his girlfriend. P.S.
We live 350 feet apart from each other. Please help.
Is this like a stepdad situation? Yeah, what's going on here? 350 feet apart. College.
College. So if you're exclusive with somebody for five months, help me translate that.

Does that make you... They'd be fucking.

Somebody is somebody else's boyfriend or girlfriend.

Correct.

It sounds like you think you're his boyfriend.

But he is like, hey, we're exclusive, but we're not dating.

That makes no sense to me.

Move dorms next semester and see if it's just ease of of access move uh 500 feet away from him yes although this is the old genie bus phil jackson the key to love is to live close and visit often that's true maintain separate apartments yeah there you go hey guys so i've been dating my boyfriend for about three months now and so far everything has been going great and he's amazing in every single way. He's an AWL and recently got me into the show.
I even get along great with his family and friends. However, I have become slightly concerned about some of their guys being dudes' behavior.
Specifically, what they have slated as beat jokes, and with a capital T, so B-E-A capital T jokes. Emphasis on the T.

I still don't totally understand that part, but it's what they say.

Anytime anyone mentions anything along the line of beating something, they completely lose their shit and giggle like school children.

It's gotten to the point where we'll be scrolling through Netflix and my boyfriend will replace

the titles of the shows with beat related items.

Example, Pirates of the Caribbean, Dallas Beaters Club, Law and Order, Special Beaters Unit, and so on. It's even to the point where all their fantasy football names in the league are beat jokes.
By the way, that's not a... It's even to the point.
That has been the names of those teams for a very long time. Those are dynasties.
It's to the point now. Those are franchises that have been around for like 100 years.
Where he will send me new beat jokes that he finds in his everyday life. Should I be concerned or is this just a phase that will pass with time? Please send help.
It's increasingly difficult to have a normal conversation without him or his friend slipping a beat-related joke. It sounds like the beat.
I mean, this happened to me. The joke has become the joke right now.
Like, it's become one of those things where it's funnier to see the different places. How much time you can spend in making a beat joke

is now funnier than the actual joke.

And can I just, I feel like there are a lot of people out there

that are just as confused as I am right now.

What does B-E-A-T, capital T, mean?

Do we know?

Well, I mean, I think it's beating your meat,

but is it something different?

Is it?

That's what I assumed it was.

Billy, this is why you're here, Billy.

Still beat, though.

It's like, I don't know, I think it's like,

Thank you. your meat but is it something different is it that's what i assumed it was billy this is why you're here billy still beat though it's like i don't know i think it's like if you sleep with someone and then they doesn't matter had sex yeah it's like it's still beat though um i they will also like every every phase that uh a guy has ever been in they will grow out of.
Because that is, it's like everything in life. Like, men are half brains until they're 25, I think is when your brain fully develops.
And so, yeah, like, you think back to anything that you thought was the funniest thing in the world 10 years ago, probably not doing it. You probably do callbacks.
That's why my Twitter name is Henny's. Why? Because me and my friends used to do that with, like, knees.
Knees? Like the body part? I thought it was a playoff of the alcohol. No.
It was like knee padding. No, we would call each other knee patters.
If you said anything that's sucking up, you'd be like, oh, you got knee pads on. I'm going to be like, oh, what up, Dan Knees? Like PF Knees.
And then when I was making my Twitter, I'd be like, oh, you know. Hank Throatwood.
Hen Knees. Okay.
Got it. Wow, that's vulgar.
I just never change it. Billy.
Yeah, sure. If you want to figure out a way for him to stop doing it, I don't know.
I didn't get a tone from the text that she was sick of it just yet. She's puzzled by it a little bit.
She's got to join in the fun. If you're sick of it and you want him to stop, then you have to get in on it.
Correct. And then he'll be like, oh, God, chicks are making the joke? Correct.
That's lame. Not cool anymore.
Chicks are talking to me about sex?

That's gay.

Yeah, not going to do it.

Hey, Big Cat PFT and Norm's dick holder.

My boyfriend has recently won a lot of money gambling during the restart of sports.

To keep me at ease, he tells me that it's going towards my future ring.

Nope. Should I believe him?

Nope.

Thanks, and take Norm to the vet.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

I mean, does Johnny Sins go to the vet?

No, I'm saying no. No.
No, good point, Hank. But nope, it's not going to your ring.
Ron Jeremy's never been to the vet. He's called the Hedgehog, bro.
I'm pretty sure he does not go to an MD. Hey, guys, recently found out...
Oh, this is a crazy one. All right.
Hey, guys, recently I found out the guy i've been dating doesn't come when we have sex i figured it out because one day i was doing laundry and picked the cum rag off the floor and it wasn't hard i said something to him and he started freaking out and explaining how hard it is for him to come and that he's been faking it for a while he told me he used to throw the condom out the window with his ex-girlfriend so that she never found out he then started crying and apologizing it was a super awkward situation and now we never have sex because i'm no longer interested because he didn't really move the needle for me and clearly nothing is happening for him he now cries when i say i don't have sex with him is this normal or should i run and not crying like complaining crying like actual tears come out of his eyes when i say i don't want to have sex uh first of all this this sounds like the weirdest episode of CSI ever. She's like going through the hamper, extracting the washcloth out, putting a UV light on it.
And it's like, no, it's not. It's not crunchy enough yet.
There are some medications that do that. Well, I was going to say maybe flushes antidepressants down the toilet, too.
I think like SSRIs do that. And he might start coming.
That's why he's crying is because, first of all, he's depressed. Second of all, he's not nutting.
And then you're making fun of him for not nutting and being depressed. Yeah, this is fucked up.
You're fucked up. I stand with this guy who can't come.
Never been a problem for me. Yeah, Billy? Spit.
If you're a guy who can't come, just spit.

Yeah.

In the back.

Oh, yes.

Oh, because as everyone knows, the only place to come is on a woman's back.

Just spit on the back.

Aim for the dolphin tattoo.

She'll never see it coming, baby.

Hey, guys.

Sorry, big cat about the Badgers.

How can you tell if a guy is serious about having a relationship or is just trying to fuck? What's the difference? I think if you're asking, then it's he's just trying to fuck. This is like the old, like, if you ask, you can't afford it.
If you're asking if he's into a relationship or just trying to fuck, he's probably just trying to fuck. Because you probably would know if he's in for a relationship.
I think you got to fuck to find out. Just fuck around, find out.
I think it's like if you keep fucking, that's how 90% of relationships get started is you fuck enough. And then eventually you start to like the person that you're sleeping with.
Or if you want to have a relationship and he doesn't, just get pregnant. Or fake a pregnancy.
Yeah. Grab that spit on your back and put it up your pussy.
Okay. Alright, last one.
This is real. It's one of the best ones we've ever gotten.
Hey guys, especially Buffcat. Probably fake.
It's very real. It's from Big Cat.
When I was a baby, I was separated from my identical twin. We got in touch with each other about six years ago after I saw an exact lookalike of myself in a picture on Facebook.
We've been speaking ever since and even got a chance to meet in person about two and a half years ago. As you can imagine, I had a very rocky childhood and I don't talk about it much.
I've been dating my boyfriend now for seven months and he has no clue about my sister. I've never had the courage to tell him about the situation, but I do like him a lot, enough to finally reveal her to him.
Me and my long-lost sister were hoping to meet up this weekend in my apartment while my boyfriend is there and surprise him. Is it fair game to scare the crap out of him or way too early in the game? Oh, my God.
Identical. It could be Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Child.
Yeah. But this freaky, full house, scare them.
I think you got to scare them. And here's the thing.
If you don't record it, then it's worthless. Then you're just like pulling a prank on him.
That's mean. But if you tape it and get his reaction, I think the clout that will ensue after that, he'll, he'll be willing to overlook that.
Yeah. And then maybe just hint at the fact that maybe one day he could have a threesome and never give it to him.
Just keep him happy with that aspect of it. You should also try and do, if you're going to do it, you should try and do it where your sister wears the same thing but a different color and then you leave the room and then she comes back and see if he notices type deal.
Yes. Yes.
I want to see this video.

Even if you don't want to share it virally,

just text it to us.

Or you can ask your identical twin sister to bring her boyfriend over,

have them hanging out in the house when he gets home,

and then she'll be making out with that guy

and then get to see his reaction.

Then you walk out.

I mean, this has the opportunity to be like the... A murder? The all-time punk.
Yeah. Yeah.
BFC just scripted a murder. Uh-huh.
Always be like a too much said. Oh, man.
Do it, though. Just have Ashton Kutcher walk out.
Do that. Do that idea.
And then he'll be forgiven. I love that idea of having you making out with...
Your sister making out with her boyfriend and he walks in and then you walk in right behind him and be like, what's your problem? That – tape it. You got to tape it.
This is like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Shit.
All right. That's our show.
Friday, by the way, we have – 56. NFL preview, and we also have a great interview with Robert Eiler, who you may know as AJ Soprano.
Fucking awesome interview. Awesome interview.
All right, numbers? 56. Sticking with eight.
69. Are you sure you don't want to pick 45? I'm going to go with 69 every time you pick.
I thought 45 was your favorite number. And even when I'm not here, I'm still picking 69 because 69 is going to come up.
No, you don't get to pick what you're doing if you don't come to work. No.
16.

15. No, 8.
I'm sticking with

8. I'm just sticking with 69 and if

it hits on a Sunday, I'm not here. I'll be

so pissed. What did you guys pick? 56.

18. I hate that everyone's

picking the same numbers now because I don't like it.

No, Hank, you've got to float. We need a floater.

Well, if 69 hits...

I know that 17 hits on me.

I always pick a different number. Here we go.
Here we go. 8, 8, 8, 8, 8 Rex Grossman baby 25 Shit And still alive Picked for 4 on August 30th Whoa Okay Alright let's see everyone Well my fun fact Oh yeah go ahead Bats into the future because they predict where the insects...
Never mind. Everyone's going to have coronavirus.
Yeah, do they see the pandemic coming? Wait, I want you to expand on that. Bats can see into the future.
Bats use echolocation to locate their prey. And bats have gotten so good at using echolocation, they can predict where an insect is going by processing the spatial information.
As a quarterback, when you see a receiver running across the field, you don't throw to where he is. You throw to where he's going.
You do that too. I guess that's predicting the future though.
I can predict the future. It doesn't mean I'm right.
So any good quarterback can predict the future. Daniel Jones cannot.
I think it's more like watching tape in basketball and knowing that this is the move the guy's going to go to. Like at the end of a game.
Like LeBron is definitely going to go right, flop, throw his head back, pitch to the ref. But he's talking about real time.
More like fast simulations in their brain using exact. You do that when you drive a car.

That's what you're doing the entire time.

No, no, no.

Echolocation.

Yes, but you're doing it with your eyes.

I don't think you understand echolocation, PFT.

I don't get it. I read an article.

Oh, that's dangerous.

I wasn't able to synthesize in a smaller bit.

No more articles.

Too many words.

Yeah.

Love you guys. We're talking away I don't know what I'm to say I'll say it anyway Today's another day To find you shying away.

I'll be coming for your love again.

Take on me.

Take me home I'll be gone In a day or two So kneel it still Thank you. Slowly learning that life is okay Say after me It's no better to be safe than sorry Take on me Take me home

I'll be gone

In a day or two you'll do Oh, things that you say Is it life or just to play my worries away?

You're all the things I've got to remember

You're sighing away

I'll be coming for you anyway

Take on me