We've Lost Control Of The Ship Plus Dungeons and Dragons Continues With Timm Woods

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.

Speaker 1 We drove 1700 miles of old Highway 61, the whole country top to bottom, just to prove one thing. Comfort food can make anywhere home.

Speaker 1 Crave New World makes the classics you grew up with, cleaned up for right now. High protein, no fake stuff, no shortcuts.

Speaker 1 Bison meatloaf, chicken enchiladas, turkey lasagna, the kind of meals that taste like Saturday night, even on a Tuesday. Crave New World.
Find it in Kroger Isles this October.

Speaker 1 The road trip might be over, but dinner's just getting good. On today's part of my take, it's Dungeons and Dragons time.
Unbelievable plot twist at the end of our Dungeons and Dragons trilogy.

Speaker 1 No, it's not a trilogy. Trinity

Speaker 1 journey. So short.
It's like a Star Wars trilogy. It's just never ends.
Dungeons and Dragons. It's like you do three episodes and you do three more.
And then you just do three more.

Speaker 1 We need more money.

Speaker 1 We're like the Rolling Stones. We just keep going out on tour.
It's our last reunion tour. So chillaxification tour.
Chilaxification tour. We have Hot Seat Cool Throne.

Speaker 1 We've got some things cooking internally.

Speaker 1 Yep. Sure do.
Some things cooking. Hey, it's PFT here, reminding you that Boars Head makes Game Day Entertaining elevated and effortless.

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Speaker 1 Seriously, guys, it's a game-changing flavor for every gathering. Boarshead, committed to craft since 1905.
Okay, let's go!

Speaker 1 Now in the street, there is violence.

Speaker 1 And then I love the song of work to be done.

Speaker 1 No place to hang out or washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can't blame all on the sun. Oh, no, we're gonna rock down to Elite Trick Avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock it down to Elay. Trick Avenue.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Bart of My Take presented by the Cash App. Go download it right now.
Use the

Speaker 1 code Barslo. You get $10 for free.
Also, go to the twitch.tv slash cash app whenever they go live on Twitch.

Speaker 1 And if you leave a comment, they might give you some free money. Today is Wednesday, June 10th.

Speaker 1 What's up, guys? How are we doing? I'm feeling good. Great.

Speaker 1 We're feeling good. Happy holidays.
How are you doing?

Speaker 1 I feel fine. That's not funny, Hank.
I feel fine.

Speaker 1 Well, actually, you know what, PFT? I wanted to actually just talk to you. Okay.
Liam, can you turn off Hank and Billy's mic? Let's get on the psychiatrist couch.

Speaker 1 Okay, because we both had a tough day. I think what's happened here.

Speaker 1 This happened. Wait, what happened?

Speaker 1 Guys, shut up.

Speaker 1 Shut up. You're not a part of this conversation.
I think what's happened here, you know,

Speaker 1 whenever you have a family, right? And there's that point in time when the 10, 12-year-old kids turn into teenagers and the dads start becoming the butt of every single joke. Like, I mean,

Speaker 1 we've roasted our dads. Dads just become the roast show.

Speaker 1 It's a running roast show of your dad, every family. We are the dads now.
We have become the dads.

Speaker 1 I'm getting roasted on Twitch. You're getting roasted by Hank and Ping Pong.
Billy is just roasting me just mentally. We are the dads.
I think we need to ground them. Okay, we can.

Speaker 1 You're roasting yourself by losing.

Speaker 1 Dads are talking. Dads are talking.
Okay. You're sleeping.

Speaker 1 So that's a good option. We could ground him.
We could put him on punishment. Or we could maybe turn Billy, our youngest, against Hank and turn Hank into a dad already.

Speaker 1 We should put weed in Hank's

Speaker 1 room and call the cops. He'll hate that.
Scare him straight. Yeah.
I don't do drugs. Yeah, that's what it's true.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 It's working. Our plan's already working.
I love it. Billy.

Speaker 1 Continue to roast Hank.

Speaker 1 My grandplayers listen to this. Hank's lazy.
Hank's lazy. Good job, Billy.
We're going to pay you.

Speaker 1 Here's what we're going to do.

Speaker 1 Every time Billy finds something wrong that Hank does, we're going to give you a bonus, Billy.

Speaker 1 You have a bounty on Hank's missteps. So, yeah, so to update where we're at, no sports still.
We have Dungeons and Dragons coming up, which is fantastic.

Speaker 1 The sports that do exist are me getting fucking

Speaker 1 really, it's only against Virginia. Road fucked by Virginia.
The moment was too big on Sunday night

Speaker 1 today. Way too big.
Road fucked.

Speaker 1 Way too big for me. I pissed down my leg.

Speaker 1 I'm back to being just, I made all these strides, and now I'm terrible at video games again.

Speaker 1 And then adding insult to injury to the 35-year-olds of this podcast, PFT blew a 3-1 lead to Hank and Ping Pong. So we're in a bad spot.
Right, it's not good.

Speaker 1 Spin zone is I got out to a 3-1 lead, which is nice. I won three games against Hank.
That's awesome. If it was the best of five series, which it started out being, then I'd be fine.
I'd be home free.

Speaker 1 It was tough. It was tough to lose against basically my son.
It's like when your son beats you in horse the first time.

Speaker 1 It's like you just gotta go inside and you gotta take your air monarchs off and you just gotta watch cops for five hours. And the shitty thing is, cops just got canceled.

Speaker 1 So I can't even do that as a dad. Yeah.
Cops just got canceled today. Paramount heard the people talking about the show.
The TV show.

Speaker 1 And apparently they heard all the defund the police and they decided to cancel cops. Literally, the TV show.
Filmed live on location. Where's the change? Can I sign a change.org?

Speaker 1 We could, or we could just. There's got to be one.
Listen, there's got to be one. I'll sign that.
I'll sign that confusing. But here's the thing.
Well, no, I don't want

Speaker 1 cops, the show, to come back. You haven't seen cops

Speaker 1 come to last.

Speaker 1 This is a round table, pardon my table. Hey, Kat, the last time you saw a new episode of Cops was probably like the mid-90s, though.
Like when that dude from New Jersey. Live PD, bro.

Speaker 1 That's a different one. That's not it.
They They also got canceled in another way.

Speaker 1 What? They filmed something. I'm not taking my news for Billy.
We can still watch it.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Cut that part out, Hank. But yeah, cops is canceled too, so I can't even unwind like a normal dad does in times like this.

Speaker 1 It's tough. It's tough.
But I think maybe we have a solution.

Speaker 1 We could ground them. What does grounding look like, though? I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 1 Make me away for no show for

Speaker 1 This sucks. This sucks.
It's just,

Speaker 1 I don't know, man. It just sucks to be putting yourself in positions where everyone tells you how shitty you are at something that should be fun, like ping pong or video games.

Speaker 1 You did have 100,000 people watching you play video games, which is

Speaker 1 something of note.

Speaker 1 We got to

Speaker 1 all watch me play the worst game of my life. We got to find a hobby that is for people that are older than us so we can come in and dominate and be like the young kids.
Yeah, Scrabble. Sports radio.

Speaker 1 Here we go. We're sports radio guys now.

Speaker 1 You would probably beat me in trivia, BSC. I'll give you that.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Hank. Yeah, okay.
Appreciate that. Speaking of which, by the way, if you're listening to this right now,

Speaker 1 between the hours of 10 and 12, we are going to be hosting Kentucky Sports Radio. Yeah, Billy's just throwing a football to himself into a mic.
People are like, what does that sound?

Speaker 1 So we're hosting Kentucky Sports Radio today, 10 to 12.

Speaker 1 There's going to be trivia. Only Kentucky callers, please.
Only Kentucky callers. We always ask this.
Only people calling in from Kentucky. What are you going to say? I don't know why you'd say this.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 we just won't give the number out on this show. Correct.

Speaker 1 But please, just respect it. I think there's a majority of AWLs actually respect our wishes because they, we always play the best of on Friday's show, which will happen.

Speaker 1 So if you miss it, you'll hear the best of. And we always like to use the best Kentucky callers, so don't ruin it.
You're ruining your own, you're ruining your own enjoyment of this podcast.

Speaker 1 But we're also going to be doing trivia, Billy versus State of Kentucky. That should be interesting.
And another announcement, we're watching Lance.

Speaker 1 What's it called? We're calling it The Last Lance. Yeah, The Last Lance.
The Lance to remember.

Speaker 1 Lance. Just call it Lance.
I guess when your name's so fucking weird, like Lance, you can just do it. So it's a two-part series, right? So it's four hours total.

Speaker 1 What goes into when you have a baby, like you look at a baby and you're like, that's Lance? That's Lance. No, you don't.
I feel like you name it. No fucking name.

Speaker 1 That's a kid that you're like, I'm going to wait until I meet it and know its personality, and it turns out to be a real asshole and throws other babies out there. I feel like it's a medieval name.

Speaker 1 Like, it's a nickname for Lancelot. Yeah, maybe.
But it still is like, you ever get so hung up on names, you're like, Lance?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 Lance is not a little kid's name. Well, I think Lance Armstrong probably killed the name Lance.
Yeah, he probably knows named Lance anymore.

Speaker 1 Yes, Lance. So we're going to watch that for Friday.
We have Joe Dappetow coming Friday as well. Anything else going on? I mean, we're still in this weird...

Speaker 1 I think we're in the waiting pattern that sports might come back, although baseball seems to have fucked itself every which way. Baseball's trying really, really hard to not come back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so my understanding is that the owners have made three separate offers, and one is like we're going to give you two-thirds of the salary.

Speaker 1 One is, we'll give you four-sixths, and the other is we're going to give you eight-twelfths of the salary. And so, basically, it's like three of the exact same things.
Can I ask a question?

Speaker 1 When I see the biggest thing that I see on Twitter, and maybe this is just Twitter because Twitter is a fucking hellhole of a website, but I see people saying that if baseball doesn't happen, they're going to lose me as a fan.

Speaker 1 How? I'm still going to be able to do it. What are you going to do next summer? I'm going to be pissed off.

Speaker 1 Just say that you're going to be mad about it. But what are you going to do next summer? Like, there's nothing you could do.
La Crosse, Hank's doing lacrosse.

Speaker 1 I love when people make this line in the sand. We're like, they lost me in 94.
They're going to lose me again. What are you going to do in July?

Speaker 1 We are going to watch baseball. I mean, spin zone, if they lose us for this summer, they have to try to get us back next year.
They have to

Speaker 1 juice the balls, turn a blind eye to new steroids, let everybody get real massive and just start walloping dingers. Just massive dongs everywhere.
I love it. I love it.
So, yeah, that's happening.

Speaker 1 We're waiting for NBA. NFL seems like it's going on schedule.
And college football. The anthem protests will be back.
That's going to be fun. What? The anthem.
That's like

Speaker 1 completely, completely reignited. People are going to lose their minds.
I honestly think that this year people are just going to be like, okay, who cares? Like, back in 2000.

Speaker 1 Did you see where, well, it's

Speaker 1 the guy you mock, who you rightfully mock, Ben Shapiro, said that

Speaker 1 he can't watch sports anymore because he said that there's going to be two sports, one where there's no politics, one where there is politics. All politics, sports, and zero politics.

Speaker 1 So it's going to be the shittiest players playing in the no politics. We might be able to play in the no politics.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's going to be a 52-year-old Drew Brees.

Speaker 1 Like 12 years from now, he's still going to be slinging around. Also, shout out Drew Brees.
I guess he's in the good graces of his teammates again.

Speaker 1 So what we addressed with Booger last week, it actually ended up coming true.

Speaker 1 It seems like Drew Brees had a productive conversation and they're able to move forward and he's kind of like opening his ears up a little bit.

Speaker 1 I still think the big controversy there is Drew did not acknowledge his grandmother. that may have served in other ways while his grandfather was overseas fighting the Nazis.

Speaker 1 So this is kind of par for the course of Drew Brees, just ignoring his female family members. Interesting.
There's always another one. But yeah, I actually had Ben Shapiro.

Speaker 1 Well, no, I had sports on my hot seat in general because they've lost Ben Shapiro. Huge sports nut.
All right, let's get to it then. Let's get to our hot seat cool throw and we'll start with you, PFT.

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PFT, why don't you start hot seat coutup? My hot seat is me. I'm putting myself on the hot seat.

Speaker 1 I'm having a very horrible, awful, no good, very bad week right now. This is shit week for PFT.
It's a bad week.

Speaker 1 I lost to Hank. I blew a 3-1 lead.
Again, I did beat him three times. All-time first.
I meant.

Speaker 1 I didn't melt down. That's points.

Speaker 1 I didn't melt down.

Speaker 1 You melted down so hard. I'm just saying.
I gave Hank. This is not a meltdown.
And the tape shows that I gave Hank an extra point in game six, which would have meant that I won.

Speaker 1 But, okay, so I lost after after building a three to one lead I lost that three to one lead to Hank

Speaker 1 I started assembling a desk last night on a Twitch stream thinking it would take me maybe three hours I'm through step five on it and it's out of 19 steps and it's probably going to take me another 18 hours to assemble so now I've got a desk that's just floating around it's still in two dimensions I haven't even put it into a three-dimensional yeah it's ground level the desk is thrown you got to walk before you run you got to be a ground level before you get up three feet I forgot to press send on a Chinese food order when I was grumpy, tired.

Speaker 1 That's the worst. And hour number five of assembling the desk, meaning that I had to wait until hour seven to get my food to nourish myself.
And then I was done eating.

Speaker 1 It was time to go to bed, and I had to put the desk away. And then I go and I got stuck in my elevator taking Leroy out.
Fuck with your elevator. My elevator sucks.

Speaker 1 If there's an elevator salesperson that listens to this show,

Speaker 1 hit me up. Yeah, because I need a new fucking

Speaker 1 stop right now. Stop the elevator.
Yeah. Listen up.
You think that person goes into buildings and is like, I see you have shitty elevators.

Speaker 1 I've got a hot lead for you if you're an elevator salesperson. I swear to God,

Speaker 1 you can charge double what you normally do in this building.

Speaker 1 If it breaks every goddamn day, and I think, I mean,

Speaker 1 how many floors is your building? Five? Six. Six? It'd be hilarious if you put like a high-speed like Sears Tower elevator in your six-story building.

Speaker 1 I would go basement to six in like four seconds. Hook it up.
As fast. I want the turbocharge deal.
I want, my family doesn't have a good history.

Speaker 1 I think I mentioned this on the show, but my great-grandfather had an elevator fall on his head, and that's how he died.

Speaker 1 What an idiot. Yeah, he's like, Why would you have your head there? Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 he wasn't the brains of my family. He was one from, yeah, okay, not brains with-great-grandfather.
I never met him. Yeah, great-great-great-grandfather is definitely open for jokes.
Wait, I think

Speaker 1 wait, is it not great-great-grandfather? I think it was, I mean, I never met the guy. I think it was my great-grandfather on my mom's side.

Speaker 1 So, your mom's great-grandfather. My mom's grandfather.
No, no, my, okay, so my great-great-grandfather. Yeah, so that's totally fine to make fun of.
Your mom's grandfather.

Speaker 1 That's so far back.

Speaker 1 Are you guys Otis elevator guys? If you're

Speaker 1 if your parents, if your grandparents, what I'm an Otis elevator guy, sure. If you're two parents elevators, if your grandparents,

Speaker 1 it's your grandparents' grandparents. It's my grandparents' grandparents.
Grandparents. Totally cool.
I mean, that's, that's, you know,

Speaker 1 if your grandparent, if someone you met, if it was their parents, then it's kind of like, okay, so

Speaker 1 I'm having a bad week, but it's always darkest before the dawn. That's what everyone says that doesn't understand how nights work.
I tweeted that the actual Instagram photo.

Speaker 1 It's always darkest before the dawn after I lost to Virginia Tech. There you go, which isn't twice in the last year.

Speaker 1 Which isn't true, I've been told by Neil deGrasse Tyson, but Neil deGrasse Tyson's a big nerd, so suck it, Neil. It's always darkest before the dawn.
Things will get better.

Speaker 1 Just when I started telling myself, PFT, things are going to get better. It's all going to turn around.
This week is going to have a sunny ending to it.

Speaker 1 I saw that sports are coming back, indeed, in the form of a golf tournament this weekend, but the golf tournament is going to be commentated and narrated by the team of Darren Revelle, Danny Connell, and Dude Perfect.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 It's waterboarding. You have to watch it.
I have to watch it. I don't think you could have designed.

Speaker 1 I mean, mean, where are the impractical jokers in all this? Just toss them in the mix while we're at it, and then that'll be...

Speaker 1 It's like I wished on sports to come back, but I wished it on a cursed monkey's paw. Yes.
And so I'm having to deal with all this other stuff. But I'm happy to bear that burden.

Speaker 1 Okay, so do you have a cool throne? My cool throne is

Speaker 1 I'm going to go with cicadas. I'm putting cicadas

Speaker 1 on the cool throne. They're also back, and they're on the cool throne.

Speaker 1 The 17-year cicadas are back in a big way, and they're buzzing, I guess, all around like Virginia, North Carolina, south carolina a lot of midwest too a lot of the midwest the cicadas are they're such hilarious creatures but they're annoying as shit yes they're just very slow they fly like a foot off the ground don't let your dogs eat them because they die yeah if your dogs eat too many of them then they can't poop afterwards just a heads up good good to know

Speaker 1 people yeah they're also blind can you if you eat them can you poop i'll get back to you in a week okay

Speaker 1 hank your hot seat cool throne uh my hot seat is it was pft I'm going to switch it. I had two cool thrones.

Speaker 1 My hot seat is not being excellent to each other.

Speaker 1 Your hot seat

Speaker 1 is no longer being excellent? No, it's the hot seat. If you're not excellent to each other, that's on the hot seat because Bill and Ted's excellent adventure.
New trailer came out today. What?

Speaker 1 Be excellent to each other. Nice.
It looks pretty good.

Speaker 1 Be excellent. What are they doing? Are they going back in time again? They're going forward in time.
They need to write a hit song to save humanity.

Speaker 1 And the premise of the trailer is that they want to go forward in time to when the song is made and then steal it and go back in time. And it's like, aren't we stealing from ourselves? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But that's a future you. Yeah, it's a future you problem.
You're stealing from future you. I don't know.
That's the premise of the movie. It looks pretty good.

Speaker 1 Bill and Ted's, it's very quotable, one of the most quotable movies of all time. Yeah, I've always

Speaker 1 excellent.

Speaker 1 Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Speaker 1 Be excellent to each other. Okay.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's all I got. So crazy.
Very quotable. Yeah.
So quotable.

Speaker 1 I'd like to play. I mean, you played death.
You got me on the top. You got me.
I'm not good off the top of my head.

Speaker 1 It's still nerd here or here, but right here.

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 Phil is.

Speaker 1 That's when they go back in time, and Chris Farley is stealing ideas from them in the future to write a movie.

Speaker 1 You sound like you know. No, I've seen it.
I like it.

Speaker 1 I don't go around quoting it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 i think i guess i guess really it really is that i there used to be a circle k near my college and so now we're getting

Speaker 1 every time i go it's like strange things are put at the circle k so i i've used that quote a lot but i guess that's the only quote from the movie i really use i think that bill and ted was to keith oberman as like step brothers is to trey wingo like the mid 90s sports center anchors they were dropping bill and ted references left and right uh my cool throne is recurring guests of the show, kind of, Dan Bilzerian.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Friend of the program.

Speaker 1 He wrote a book, and he had some trouble finding a name for his book, so he tweeted out, I'll give anyone who picks the title for my book $5,000, and I'll just read some of the most, you know, best responses.

Speaker 1 I'm a big giant fraud. Do you have any before I get into the response? Tell me about his penis size.
Dan Bilzerian, the only thing shorter than my Navy career is my penis.

Speaker 1 Dan Bilzerian, perpetual midlife crisis.

Speaker 1 I don't know who the fuck Dan Bilzerian is, but I want $5,000.

Speaker 1 Love your kids so they don't end up like me. Tale of Dan Bilzerian.

Speaker 1 And the last one, Blowing Inheritance Through an Eternal Midlife Crisis Fueled by Feelings of Inadequacy. Dan Bilzerian's Guide to Still Only Being 5'9.

Speaker 1 Oh, yikes. Yikes.
So you can't take that away from somebody. Oh, damn.

Speaker 1 Hi, Chin's son. I'm just going to read his book.
Here's beard. How does he still have money? His dad.

Speaker 1 He's roasted from the shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, his dad made a lot of money, and then he, I guess, blew most of it on poker.

Speaker 1 Damn. That's how he got rich.
Billy is still probably in the phase where you're like, Dan Bilzerian, that's sweet.

Speaker 1 He's pretty cool, but

Speaker 1 he's got. We met him, didn't you? We met him.
I know you met him, but he's got like really cool trucks.

Speaker 1 He does. He's got the game.
There you go, Dan. Maybe you win the $5,000, Billy.
Dan Bilzerian. He's got

Speaker 1 really cool trucks. Hope.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Some of his posts are pretty cool. My life's tight.
Love Dan. I mean, like...
It's okay, Billy. It's totally fine.

Speaker 1 No, you're of the age where you can absolutely still like him. I can.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then, like, five years from now, you'd be like, whoops, when he still hasn't, he'll be doing the same shit and you won't.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's fair. All right.
I'm pretty sure his dad made all of his money and went to prison for like a Ponzi scheme or something. Talking to the Mike, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, what's your hot seat culture on Billy? Uh, hot seat, uh, JK Rowling. Yeah, she, like, for some reason, where are you going here? Uh,

Speaker 1 everyone's mad at her for saying stuff, and like, legitimately, okay, what she's saying, she has for some reason, everyone's mad at her for saying stuff. It's weird, does everyone just ran away?

Speaker 1 Did she write mad wrote another book, and people are mad at what happened in the book? Yeah, I don't know, yeah, yeah, let's put it. She has Slytherin, which side do you do you agree with her?

Speaker 1 I just think that, like, if you have a really popular book or

Speaker 1 basically, she's done something that's made all of her fans hate her. Right.
All of her.

Speaker 1 Everybody. A lot of them.
Tell them to watch sports. Do you still hate her? I don't really understand the nuances of it, but I was looking for a hot seat.

Speaker 1 Never mind.

Speaker 1 Bill de Blasio is on the hot seat because he killed a groundhog a couple years ago, and now everyone else hates him, but that's why I hate him. And also, he gave me no snow days growing up.

Speaker 1 All right, well, that's good. I know, Bill.

Speaker 1 Cool throne, cool throne, all of us because there was a white spirit bear spotted in canada which is a sign of good things to come yeah so cool throne all of us a white spirit bear yeah like a it's a it's a phenotype of a grizzly where it has white fur hell yeah are we sure it wasn't a polar bear yes it was not a groller bear it was a grizzly you can tell by the hump on its back the grizzly hump and i'm pretty psyched because are you sure it wasn't rob ford's ghost i hope rob ford's ghost and that bear that's why it's white for this for the crack.

Speaker 1 Crack. Yeah.
Just snort all the time. Okay.
Good one, Billy. Good job.
All right. My hot seat is Drew Brees, but not for what everyone's mad about Drew Brees about it.

Speaker 1 It's because Jameis Winston has spoken. And now, I don't know if James...
I think Jameis Winston is Jameis one of one because he said, and I quote,

Speaker 1 I know what I'm worth, and I know day in and day out without publicly coming in and saying it. that historically I'm one of the best quarterbacks to play the game.
True.

Speaker 1 Also, credit to Jameis for not saying it. Listen, he did say it.
Historically, history said it. He said,

Speaker 1 He doesn't come out and say it. History has spoken.
And Jameis Winston has told himself that he is one of the best quarterbacks of all time. Is he just reading Jameis 101?

Speaker 1 That's part of history. Listen, like it or not, Jameis

Speaker 1 1 of 1 is contributing to the history of the United States. That's a record book that will always exist.
And according to history, Jameis is a Hall of Fame quarterback.

Speaker 1 He said, my entire life I've been a winner,

Speaker 1 little league football, middle school, school, high school, college. Obviously, the NFL is a little more difficult,

Speaker 1 but I've been a winner. I don't want to be viewed as a loser.
It's going to come. It's going to happen.
It's something I've been fighting for my entire life, building up to this.

Speaker 1 I'm on the right side of history. Jameis Woodson's going to be a Hall of Famer.
Well, listen, he's on a good team right now. He's going to look sick in those all-white Saints uniforms.

Speaker 1 That's going to look fucking awesome. Him and Taysom Hill and Drew Brees together.

Speaker 1 I'm very much looking forward to that.

Speaker 1 He has also been showing up in elite workout videos this offseason. All types of videos.
Not only did he have the baseball bat one, but did you see him boxing the other day?

Speaker 1 He is, wow, I don't want to shame anybody for trying a new sport or maybe attempting anything athletic for the first time outside of football, but watching him box, I actually think I could beat up Jameis Winston.

Speaker 1 And I'm not a good boxer. Wow.

Speaker 1 He looks like a beginner out there. Wow.
Interesting. I mean, I don't know.
Rough and rowdy.

Speaker 1 He's a later, dude. I hereby challenge Jameis Winston to fight me in rough and rowdy.
In an NFL stadium. Now that Ben Shapiro has sworn off sports, so I can't fight him in rough and rowdy anymore.

Speaker 1 I challenge Jameis Winston to take me on Rough and Rowdy. All right.
Gauntlet's been thrown.

Speaker 1 He's got a lot of size on you. Yeah, he's got a lot of size.
That's fine.

Speaker 1 Big tree fall hard. He's got like eight inches out of you.
Yeah, how tall is he? 6'4? 6'3. 6'3? Wait span, too.

Speaker 1 He's got 50 pounds on you.

Speaker 1 I'm a wide 5'9, hands-wise. Zoe tells yourself what? Zoe tells yourself? Yeah, I'm like a chod.
My arms are longer than those of a 5'9 man. My wings.

Speaker 1 Listen, I might not be tall, but you should check out my wingspan. Listen, here's what I would do if I fought Jameis Winston straight up.
I'd just double-leg him and take him down.

Speaker 1 And I wouldn't care if I lost a fight. At least I tackled Jameis Winston.

Speaker 1 Rick Riley joke, you could just wear a linebacker's number. He'd never see you coming.
That's good. I'm going to give that 1.5.
Yeah. Jameis Winston is a cicada.

Speaker 1 He showed up when he was 17 and he's blind.

Speaker 1 And then he's going to die. Because because we all do.

Speaker 1 All right, my cool throne is,

Speaker 1 well, I've not been doing so well either, but I think it's about to turn for me because I'm moving and I got a little patch of grass, shrubbery at the new place.

Speaker 1 Do you have a lawn?

Speaker 1 No, it's not really a lawn. It's not a lawn.
It's like weeds coming up there. It's a grass.
It's a shrubbery. Yeah, yeah.
But get this. Talk to the previous tenant.

Speaker 1 He said that if you look close enough, there's a bunch of four-leaf clovers in there. You should grow weed.
So I'm about to have the greatest gambling season of my life.

Speaker 1 And if anyone wants four-leaf clover, I'll be selling them for whatever I'm down. Okay, I like that, but also you could grow weed.
Can you legally? Sure.

Speaker 1 I'll just blame Billy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, big. Billy, you live in a barn.
You should grow weed. But you're not growing weed.
Why? But for us, I don't like weed. Grow weed inside Vanny Woodhead and then sell it as a package.
Yes, dude.

Speaker 1 Hydroponic. Yeah, there we go.

Speaker 1 Learning how to grow weed. Why not? What do you you mean? You're not a weed guy.

Speaker 1 We'll play the weed for you. You guys have gone

Speaker 1 so weed-heavy lately.

Speaker 1 Well, no, we don't necessarily use it all the time, but it's just cool to talk about it.

Speaker 1 Listen, we're dads now, okay?

Speaker 1 We have a minor league to look after.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 just talking about weed makes us seem a lot cooler.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, either grow it in your van or in your barn, grow it in the van. Or, but Kat, you have a son.
Like, why can't you, if the cops come and you have a weed plant,

Speaker 1 why can't you be like, it's my kids? Yeah. Oh, he was.
What are you going to do? Arrest a baby? He was spinning seeds out of his mouth. Then six months later, that thing came up.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, cops isn't even on the air anymore. There probably aren't any people.
That's true. It'll blur his face out.

Speaker 1 All right. That is the start of the show.
What a start of the show. We have another great second half of the show.
We have Dungeons and Dragons coming up. It is fantastic.

Speaker 1 I'm not going back to college to be your friend. I'm going so I can get Uber one for students.
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Speaker 2 Eligibility and member terms apply.

Speaker 1 And now, Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 it is Wednesday the second. Every two weeks, we have our good friend Tim Woods back on, Dungeons and Dragons.
We're going to pick up where we left off. Tim, please tell us where we left off because

Speaker 1 a lot of life has happened in the last two weeks.

Speaker 3 Absolutely, for sure.

Speaker 3 Well, we left our adventures on a very exciting cliffhanger because we, as adventurers, had made our way, our full party had made our way into the village of Greenest, fought some kobolds on the way there, fought some cultists, but now we've we've made our way to the castle where we have prepared and made ready for the arrival of the mighty blue dragon Lenathon, who has just flown up to our castle at the kind of instigation of us and our illusions because we had,

Speaker 3 as I recall last time, had a plan that we were going to lure this dragon to the castle using stew and chili. It was a chili.

Speaker 1 Remember? Yes, yes, it was like a hologram of chili. Bake chili and telling everyone don't touch it.
And we're waiting for the dragon. We're all hunkered down in the castle.
I do remember it.

Speaker 1 You also, Tim, sent us

Speaker 1 like a player, basically like almost player cards for each of our guys. So we can, we'll tweet these out tomorrow.
It's a biography. But they're incredible.
They're incredible.

Speaker 1 It's incredible what you do, and it's your website, I assume.

Speaker 1 I noticed all the...

Speaker 1 Oh, go ahead. Let's be clear.

Speaker 3 That's not my website. That DD Beyond is the official DD character sheet website where anyone can go on and make DD characters.

Speaker 3 And now all of you have kind of stats and stuff to look at for referencing your character details. What are your strengths? What are your spells? And what are your abilities?

Speaker 1 I love

Speaker 3 character sheets.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're going to definitely tweet this out tomorrow so people can follow along. And I did notice that

Speaker 1 Billy the Berserker has 15 strength. What's yours? And I have 16 strength.
Oh, that's one better. Interesting.
Okay. Huh.
So I'm stronger than Billy.

Speaker 3 Slight, slight marginal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, but wouldn't you say 16 is bigger than 15?

Speaker 3 It is a higher bonus for sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. All right.
So any words from anyone else before we get back into it? Anything else? No, let's do it. Let's get into it.
I want to take out this dragon and only this dragon.

Speaker 1 We should also mention. What does dexterity mean?

Speaker 1 Ability with both. To be a serial killer, but to also be a confidential.

Speaker 3 And how, like, your ability to dodge attacks and stuff like that, whereas strength is more like your ability to raw power to punch things. Yes.

Speaker 1 Also, Tim, we should mention that

Speaker 1 PFT,

Speaker 1 Wayne,

Speaker 1 and Ehrlich,

Speaker 1 they just played in a seven-game series in ping pong, and there's a lot of tension in the room. I am tension-free.
I feel great. No, you're not tension-free.

Speaker 1 I'd feel great if I got awarded a free bogus point in game series.

Speaker 3 It may spill over a little into this game i just want you to know and also there's tension between me and berserker billy because he's a idiot and it drives me nuts but here we are uh all right all right tim yeah let's do it let's get to it so we're in the castle just a little bit of game bleed yeah yeah all right the dragon's name is what again so so we had learned that this dragon who had been lured in by the smell of our stew had started flying to the castle the dragon's name uh i'm not sure if it had blurred it out yet but it was uh flying to our castle roaring you now face lenathon the scion wrath as it had crashed into our castle and knocked over a little bit of the castle wall it was looking down into the castle at all of us but only after berserker billy had launched a guiding bolt successfully at this dragon to basically zap it with this big powerful laser beam.

Speaker 3 This dragon, as it's flying towards the castle, was glowing. And all of us, just a reminder, will now have advantage on any attacks we do against this dragon, thanks to Berserker Billy's attack.

Speaker 3 But this dragon had just been flying to the castle and she is now crashing into the castle wall. She's looking down into this castle, sniffing the air.

Speaker 3 And she had just said, you are all in for it now.

Speaker 3 Characters who speak draconic, and in theory, that's listed somewhere in your character sheet, but I can go over who speaks draconic and stuff.

Speaker 3 But we know that we would be understanding that this dragon is able to talk and it is very upset about that attack that Berserker Billy just did.

Speaker 3 It is looking at the stew, but I do just want to remind us: the stew is only a hologram.

Speaker 3 So, the moment this dragon touches the stew, which it looks like it's considering doing, it's looking into this castle right now

Speaker 3 and it is looking at the stew. The moment she touches it, that she's going to realize that this is just an illusion.

Speaker 3 But right now, all she's doing is looking to the castle, but her gaze is definitely focusing on the Goliath cleric, Berserker Billy, who has just dealt the first blow.

Speaker 1 Second strongest in our group. Yeah, second strongest guy that we have.
I'm concerned that maybe the dragon doesn't think the chili looks delicious enough.

Speaker 1 Is there a way that maybe Urlik could go down and make sure that it's still nice and warm and giving off a good smell?

Speaker 3 I would say that with our illusion in place right now, it is still wafting a very, very good smell. It looks very appetizing, but I'd say we hear the dragon muttering to itself, stew

Speaker 3 and she doesn't seem like she cares too much about food however we're noticing something there's a glint in her eyes and she's seeing all the peasants who have we said had lined up uh thanks to hank uh we had or thanks to uh uh ehrlich the the the warlock he had convinced everybody here to line up and make it look good and many of these people are saying oh i hope this dragon doesn't eat our stew and as they say that to each other very convincingly the dragon does seem to be looking at the stew with amusement like she might try to knock it over or something like that but in theory the first turn right now is norm the barbarian norm the barbarian whatever you want to do right now this dragon is taking pause and taking stock what's going on in this castle okay can i can i can i with my turn uh

Speaker 1 be like is there is there an extra bonus for like really pointing someone out so i want to be like hey it was him and really point out billy Berserker so the dragon really knows it was him that's a free action you point in his direction to do that

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 3 I know that

Speaker 1 okay so there's no like under the bus move that you can use so what should I do what what what should I do guys I feel like if we attack this dragon straight on it's gonna be bad news okay that's what the dragon we have to out smart it we have to lay down some sort of i'm not the smart guy i'm the strength guy okay um you could i don't know maybe you could what what would you What would you recommend, Tim?

Speaker 1 Wait, does this dragon breathe fire? Is it hot fire?

Speaker 3 We do know that all dragons breathe some kind of a breath weapon.

Speaker 3 I would invite anybody who wants can roll a d20 and add their can of skill bonus if they want to know what they think this dragon will breathe, but we don't know if it's fire or if it's something weirder like acid or something like that.

Speaker 3 Okay. Dragon has blue scales.
You could roll a check to see if you know what a blue scale dragon is.

Speaker 1 Go ahead, Rehank. Ehrlich.
Ehrlich's going to roll.

Speaker 1 absolutely he's got a plus four on this I'm noticing on his I got a hot hand too okay he's got a hot hand he's doing really well in ping pong three three

Speaker 1 wait I'm gonna give you one more that's a four

Speaker 3 ended up with a four on that one and you had a plus four so that sounds like a seven total but even that you know it's a dragon you know it's gonna breathe something but you don't know what exactly okay so can I like throw a big rock at it You absolutely could.

Speaker 3 And I would say we have the barbarian going up first. Most of what you do is throwing stuff or attacking.

Speaker 1 And so it's generally one of those two things.

Speaker 3 Now, when you get ready to chuck this rock at the dragon, if that's what you want to do, you, I would be asking, are you going to enter your barbarian rage in this situation?

Speaker 3 Because if you do, you get advantage on any checks that are based on throwing or climbing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to rage. Yeah, let me rage.
Let me rage. Let me rage and fucking whip this thing.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. You grab a rock, you let out a raging roar, and you get ready to throw it.
I believe you have a plus five on this, actually, but you get to roll two times and take the higher number.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 1 16. Good.
That's pretty good.

Speaker 3 So far, so good.

Speaker 1 18. Let's go.

Speaker 3 Even better. And with a plus five on that, you got a 23.
You are whipping a rock right in this dragon's direction.

Speaker 3 And the dragon was looking at berserker Billy while you were throwing the rock at her. So she turns back to look at you and opens her mouth.

Speaker 3 And then the rock just ricochets right into her eye, right off one of her scales, into her eye. She goes, ah, and the rock falls out and you can tell you bruised her eye a little bit.

Speaker 3 But she looks at you,

Speaker 3 Norm the Barbarian, and she grits her teeth and she says, you dare. And she crushes the castle wall a little bit.
You dare. I hate villages like this.
And she just shakes her head. Tell tell her

Speaker 1 very annoyed okay all right so so one question before we go to the next turn I think it's uh Billy's up next but Tim you've you've played this game your whole life you understand

Speaker 1 I think you might I can't remember did you say you watched any sports I watch a little bit

Speaker 1 all right but you saw me throw there you would say that's better than a division three quarterback that's like a division one quarterback right I would say definitely at least division two we're talking okay all right All right, good, good.

Speaker 3 The 23, however, I'd say with the 23, that felt like a division one throw.

Speaker 1 Yes, yeah, baby. Definitely a lot better than a division three wide receiver.

Speaker 1 Yeah, great throw. That was a great throw.

Speaker 3 The dragon, not only can you tell that she was a little bit hurt by that, at least, she was very annoyed and highly embarrassed by getting hit by that. So she's pissed off.

Speaker 3 She knows it was a good one. She knows you're making her look foolish.

Speaker 3 And if you're not doing any moving, what I'd let you do do right now, Norm, before your turn ends, I'd let you roll an insight check on her.

Speaker 3 If I pull up your character sheet, it looks like your insight skill is plus one. Not your best skill, but you're not bad at it either.
You have some natural barbarian instincts.

Speaker 3 This will be to tell how she's, what she's thinking right now. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Here we go.
Insight.

Speaker 1 18. I got the hot hand.

Speaker 3 Now with a plus one on that, you got a 19. I'm going to give you a little clue at this point.
You know that you just embarrassed her very badly, and she just said, I hate villages like this.

Speaker 3 You know that this dragon does not want to be here. She's annoyed by this whole situation.
She's being made to look like a fool in front of a bunch of humans and dwarves and elves.

Speaker 3 And she would rather not be here right now, which surprises you because there's nothing in the world that you can think of that would convince a dragon to be somewhere that it did not want want to be.

Speaker 3 If the dragon just got hit in the eye, it's like, what am I doing here in this village?

Speaker 1 It sounds like these guys are so lame. It's that movie Carrie where she doesn't want to go to prom or whatever, but she does and then she gets blood poured all over her.
Yep.

Speaker 1 And she needs to convince her. Yeah, so what did Carrie do after that?

Speaker 3 I like that you pick Carrie as an example because at any moment, this dragon looks like it might start freaking out and just exploding in all directions.

Speaker 1 Okay, so who's up next? Billy the Berserker?

Speaker 3 It would actually be Wayne

Speaker 3 up next and Ehrlich then Berserker Billy.

Speaker 3 Billy had just fired the last guiding bulk on his last trip.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 3 So Wayne, you are up, and I wanted to highlight that on your character sheet, you can see some of the spells you can cast.

Speaker 3 But also, of course, as a bonus action, you can do your inspiration to give anybody here a little bit of a boost that they can choose to use on their team.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can talk somebody up.

Speaker 1 I also noticed that I have bagpipes. as one of my tools.
So I was thinking...

Speaker 1 Well, I would emphasize, I picked all those musical instruments for for you if you want to swap out any no bagpipes are great bagpipes are perfect so after my turn i noticed that earlier goes so i'm thinking maybe i could psych up earlier the uh what are you hank the warlock the warlock from boston by playing shipping up to boston on the bagpipes and making him so pumped up that he goes and he takes on the dragon one-on-one wow because he can't resist it that's very nice of you yeah

Speaker 3 Great pump-up song. You start playing that, and I'd say not only Ehrlich, but all the town guard as well are starting to get into this theme as you're playing it.

Speaker 3 And you have given inspiration to Ehrlich.

Speaker 1 Love it. Go get him, Erlick.
What a team. Wait, what's the name of the village we're actually in?

Speaker 1 What was that? What's the name of the village we're currently in?

Speaker 3 Greenest is the name of the village.

Speaker 1 Shipping up to Greenest.

Speaker 1 Shipping up to Greenest.

Speaker 1 All right, Hank. You're so pumped up, Ehrlich.
Go get him, buddy. You have to roll, don't you? Go get him, buddy.
No, I used my turn to pump you up.

Speaker 3 That's it. And now you just use your bonus action, so I'm happy to say you can do that, and you can still cast a spell or do an attack with your weapon.

Speaker 1 Or you can make a skill check right now. People want to melt down again.

Speaker 1 Which kind of spells do I?

Speaker 1 Put a spell on Ehrlich to make him think he's better than he is. Yeah, can I put a spell on Ehrlich to make him super confident?

Speaker 1 Essentially, worried about the dragon. He's got a lead on me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Make him think he can reach. Shouldn't we be focused on the dragon, Tim? No, I think we need to take out this dragon.
Hank, you're a best weapon that we have. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I'd like to, yeah, how can I inspire him? What can I do? What kind of spell can i put on hank to make him think that he can be the dragon

Speaker 3 yeah in terms of buffing spells that you could give to one of your other teammates i don't think i gave you any but there's one spell that i could have given you let's say you have this spell it's called enhance ability and you get to pick one of Ehrlich's ability scores and anytime he uses it he gets advantage on it So if he's planning on talking, then you could do enhanced charisma on him and he'd be an extra great talker.

Speaker 3 If he's planning on like climbing something, you could enhance his strength. So he's extra good at climbing.

Speaker 3 What would you want to enhance?

Speaker 1 Wisdom. Intelligence.
Yeah, his wisdom. So he's intelligent.
He's at a 10 right now, which isn't great. And I'd like to bump him up to at least, I don't know, like a 12 or 14.

Speaker 3 The good thing is, you won't pump up his stat at all. Instead, anytime he rolls anything wisdom-related, he gets to roll two times now and take the higher number.

Speaker 1 All right, yeah, let's get Ehrlich real smart. Yeah, you're smart.

Speaker 3 And that variation of enhanced ability would be called like owl's wisdom.

Speaker 3 So suddenly, Ehrlich, you feel like you can see all around you and you're able to just read people's expressions and you're just supernaturally good at observing things around you with your wisdom.

Speaker 3 So you have inspiration and your wisdom is enhanced. I love that, Ehrlich.
So we are up to you now, Ehrlich.

Speaker 3 What would you like to do? You're looking up at this dragon. It looks like after Berserker Billy's turn, the dragon is going to do something.
We just don't know what yet.

Speaker 3 And what would you be considering doing? You could attack the dragon, cast a spell, do whatever you want. Use a skill like if you roll any wisdom-based skills like perception or insight.

Speaker 1 Can I use that? It's my turn.

Speaker 1 Can I ask a question?

Speaker 1 Ehrlich, can I ask a question? Ehrlich?

Speaker 1 Ehrlich, have enough wisdom to figure out if this dragon, like, can you see in the future? Will he be able to see if this dragon's just going to leave? Well, can I.

Speaker 3 If you roll an insight check on the dragon you would get advantage on that you could roll two times unlike uh norm who could only roll once your wisdom is enhanced so you could roll two times if you do that

Speaker 1 how about you let me uh answer on my turn please okay all right uh you don't want to know what the dragon's doing before you figure out what to do

Speaker 1 it was it was just your turn and you used it for me right so yeah let's go hank yeah all right

Speaker 1 tim i would like to do is there anything i can do to make sure my teammates are safe you know defense protective orders so to make sure oh what's a defense order?

Speaker 1 You know, if the dragon's going to attack, I would just like to ensure that my compadres are safe against all attacks.

Speaker 3 Absolutely.

Speaker 3 You, let's see, protective spells. I don't think you have any protective spells, but I'd let you use your action if you wanted to dive in the way to offer protection to one of your teammates.

Speaker 3 You could make one of your teammates, any attacks against them would have disadvantage.

Speaker 3 You can dodge and you would give that to yourself, but I'd let you give it to somebody else instead if you dive in their way. Is that something you'd want to do?

Speaker 1 Nah, let's attack.

Speaker 1 Let's attack.

Speaker 1 Let's attack. Let's attack.
Attack. Let's attack.

Speaker 1 TFT, pump me up. I'm ready to attack.
D-bap.

Speaker 3 Yep.

Speaker 3 I want to let you know you can attack with your best attack spell, which is, well, to be fair, you have Eldritch Blast, which is a great attack spell.

Speaker 3 You also have Burning Hands, which is better when you have a cone of enemies in front of you.

Speaker 3 But you could do an Eldritch Blast against this dragon, or you could use, and you could also use your Insight skill to see if you know what the dragon's doing, and you would have advantage.

Speaker 3 you could do both of those things

Speaker 3 yeah let's do blast and insight a blasting insight a barbacuffalo move yes so you'll charge up an eldritch blast this is where i'm going to ask you a quick question actually

Speaker 3 flavor your eldritch blast there's something i would always ask a warlock there are three different beings that you can make a pact with you could have made a pact with to get your powers the choices are a demon of some kind a fiend a great old one an alien god of some sort or a fey being, a creature of the woods and the forests.

Speaker 3 You take those choices.

Speaker 1 Demon, demon, fiend.

Speaker 3 Demon absolutely. Just want to make sure that's the one I built you with.
So fire is conjured up in your hands, and you hurl what looks like multicolored flames at this dragon.

Speaker 3 Go ahead and roll a d20 plus, I believe, a plus four for your attack with eldritch blast.

Speaker 1 I got a four.

Speaker 3 Yes, confirming that. Four.

Speaker 1 Four.

Speaker 1 He only rolled a four, Tim. He's staying.

Speaker 3 A four plus a four is an eight. So unfortunately, you hurl this eldritch blast at the dragon, but the dragon just looks in your direction and easily moves her head out of the way.

Speaker 3 And your eldritch blast is flying by this dragon.

Speaker 1 But I should have protected you.

Speaker 3 Go ahead and roll an insight check with your move. And you do have advantage on that

Speaker 3 because of the owl's wisdom that just got granted to you by the barred weight.

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Speaker 1 And now, more Dungeons Dragons.

Speaker 3 You get your roll two times a day.

Speaker 1 What'd you get, Hank?

Speaker 1 Another four.

Speaker 1 Another four? Dude, you

Speaker 1 stink.

Speaker 1 Like, you suck.

Speaker 3 Was the four the higher of the two rolls?

Speaker 1 Yes. Oh, wait, I can roll twice? Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you roll two times because of owl's wisdom.

Speaker 1 Seven. You got a seven.

Speaker 3 Seven? Okay.

Speaker 3 Plus, your investigation, sorry, your insight bonus, Ehrlich, looks like it is only a plus zero.

Speaker 3 So I'm sorry to say with a seven, you're not learning anything about what this dragon's thinking right now.

Speaker 1 I want to throw this knife at you.

Speaker 1 Can we cancel the dragon? Like, can we find out if the dragon has bad tweets? Yeah, problematic tweets. If they've done anything bad that we can

Speaker 1 shame the dragon out of the city, you know what?

Speaker 3 I'll let you do is you can all of you roll a history check right now.

Speaker 3 Anyone who wants to roll a history check, see if you know anything about this.

Speaker 1 Search for the timeline.

Speaker 1 I rolled an eight.

Speaker 3 Eight is not going to do the trick, unfortunately.

Speaker 1 15.

Speaker 1 I got a 15.

Speaker 3 Sorry, who got a 15?

Speaker 1 Billy.

Speaker 3 That was Ehrlich. Ooh, Erlik, you got a plus four on this.
So yes, with a 19 total.

Speaker 1 That was Billy. That was Billy.

Speaker 1 I only got a seven. What'd you get? I got a six.
So Billy was our high roll with 15.

Speaker 3 Billy was the high roll.

Speaker 3 And with a plus zero on history, then with a 15, you do know that this dragon, you don't know who Lenathon is necessarily, but you do know that this is a dragon who hasn't emerged from her lair in a long time.

Speaker 3 You think she comes from the mountains south of here.

Speaker 1 Mountains.

Speaker 3 And you're very surprised because you think that this dragon has not emerged for over a hundred years. Very weird for Lenathon to be out and about right now.

Speaker 3 But you don't know anything shameful from her past, unfortunately. So you would think, you think actually she was watching eggs for a long time.
That will be your guess.

Speaker 1 So it's it's my turn, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Nothing actually. And don't throw stuff.
Guess what?

Speaker 1 I am stronger than you because knowledge is power and I have plus two wisdom. I would like to reach out.

Speaker 1 I would like to reach out to the dragon as the healer of the group. The dragon's hurt.
Am I correct?

Speaker 3 The dragon is a little bit injured by yourself.

Speaker 1 I would like, and probably has a lot of psychological damage from whoever's controlling the dragon and being locked up for 100 years. Am I correct?

Speaker 1 I would like to reach out to the dragon and offer spiritual and physical healing.

Speaker 1 And I would like to, in exchange,

Speaker 1 in exchange,

Speaker 1 I got a plan. I got a plan.
I got a plan. In exchange for the dragon's services in being my steed, and I would like to also say I would help take care of the dragon's children.
I want to be a step.

Speaker 1 So the father is definitely gone.

Speaker 1 I want to step in. You want to fuck a dragon? be a

Speaker 1 dragon? I want to ride the dragon.

Speaker 1 I want to ride the dragon and take care of the little dragon puppies.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay.

Speaker 3 So I was just checking your character sheet to see what languages you speak, and it does seem like

Speaker 1 dragon.

Speaker 3 Tonic is not one of them, but you can address this creature in common to speak to it. And if you want to do that, you could roll a persuasion check.
You have a plus three.

Speaker 1 He wants to be Social

Speaker 1 I want yeah exact dragon Billy let's go

Speaker 3 yes you are gonna get rid of the toxicity my next turn I want to throw a rock at Billy's 14 14 gross 14 plus three so 17 this dragon looks at you and then she starts to break into a smile you think it looks scary because she's bearing her teeth at you

Speaker 3 and then she zooms in really

Speaker 3 really close to you And she says one thing in common first.

Speaker 3 Not so brave now, little giantling, are you? And she snips you and then says, Why? And before you can say anything, she says, Why should I listen to you when I can crush this castle so easily?

Speaker 1 Is she like really close to me? Like her face, she's really close to you. She's doing back and she's like, Yeah, and I would like to lean in and kiss the dragon.
Can he kiss the dragon?

Speaker 3 You lean in to kiss the dragon roll one more persuasion check real quick baby come on you're gonna get laid billy we're so close

Speaker 3 not great billy four the dragon is taken aback like a cat she rears back for a moment like what are you doing eyes widen and then in anger her eyes narrow and she snaps at you to bite you i'm gonna rolly gotta respect

Speaker 1 Billy.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Berserker Billy, can I ask what is your armor class, please? So I'm looking at your sheet as well. Ooh, I'm happy to say your armor class is 18.

Speaker 3 You are very hard to hit because you are a Goliath with rocky skin and because you are a powerful war cleric. You wear chainmail

Speaker 3 around your body, but the teeth do not pierce your chainmail. She bites you once, twice, and grinds her teeth a little bit, and then release, and then ah, picks you up and spits you out a little bit.

Speaker 3 You hit the ground, but you land on your feet, and you've still got your weapon at the ready. She didn't injure you at all.

Speaker 3 But know that that was a close one.

Speaker 1 She definitely doesn't think you're cute, though.

Speaker 1 Tell the dragon.

Speaker 1 Is it my turn?

Speaker 3 Now, hold on one second.

Speaker 3 That initial,

Speaker 3 that second persuasion check was to see how she liked the kiss. But with the initial 17, she looks down at you and she says, you

Speaker 3 little creature, how dare you? And I'll give you a chance. What do you say to her?

Speaker 1 I'd be like,

Speaker 1 I just want to grant you freedom in a life free from servitude. Do you just assume that like every woman that you run into is dominated by somebody else and you can free them?

Speaker 1 Billy basically just walked up and was like, hey, is this guy bothering you to me?

Speaker 1 It's like, like, he's a jerk. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Billy literally commanded this dragon to come over with a beam of light and he's like, hey, can I free you from whoever made you come here?

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, let's just try to heal the dragon and get so that we can ride around on the dragon. Billy, come on.
So she just, the dragon bit you because you tried to kiss it.

Speaker 1 It doesn't want your advances. But

Speaker 1 she's playing hard to get. No, it's Billy.
She tried to kill it. She wanted it.
Dude, no means no.

Speaker 1 All right. So what are you going to do?

Speaker 3 I will at least respond with a 17 to what you're saying. And she says this: I will have you know that I only serve the beings who may command me, the gods themselves.

Speaker 3 Tiamat, the dragon queen, is the one whom I serve and no other.

Speaker 3 And you are a cleric. Go ahead and make a religion check to see what you know about Tiamat, the dragon queen.

Speaker 3 And that is a plus two that you have on the channel. Check.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 1 What do we got? 16. Nice.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. With an 18 total, you do know Tiamat the Dragon Queen is said to be the goddess of all evil dragons.

Speaker 3 She's supposed to be a huge five-headed dragon, and she's the one being who could probably convince an adult dragon to work for her.

Speaker 1 Okay, so it's a bad dragon. We've established that this dragon, although embarrassed, actually has bad motivation.
All right, so is it my turn?

Speaker 3 Absolutely. It would be Norm the Barbarian's turn.
Now, this dragon is looking around and she looks angry. And she then is reaching down.
One town guardsman was trying to

Speaker 3 shoot an arrow in her. And she swipes and she sends that town guardsman flying through the air off the castle wall.
He hits a rooftop and bounces off and goes skipping through the air.

Speaker 3 And then she's looking around for what she's going to do next. Okay.

Speaker 1 What do you do? I want to throw another fucking rock at this pitch. Absolutely.

Speaker 3 You can throw an athletics check for sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's fucking do it. Other eye.

Speaker 3 And you get two rolls on it.

Speaker 1 Here we go.

Speaker 1 17. Let's go.

Speaker 3 With a plus five, you know, that 22 is once again. She's like watching the town guardsman fly through the air.

Speaker 3 And as she's about to say, this whole castle is about to, and she gets hit in the face again with the rock. She turns to look at the barbarian and she goes, How dare you?

Speaker 3 Her wings start to flap, barbarian. I want you to make a strength check right now.
You're going to roll and add, actually, you have a plus five on strength saving throws.

Speaker 3 Go ahead and roll with a plus five to see how you do against this.

Speaker 1 14, not

Speaker 1 14.

Speaker 3 Let me check. A 14 is going to be very close to what you needed.
But right now, barbarian, you're getting thrown back.

Speaker 3 a little bit by the wings and the flapping and she's going to be dealing she would be dealing six damage to you with the force of the wings flapping you back.

Speaker 3 You're crashing into some other people, but because you are raging, you only take half damage.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Three points of damage you're taking.

Speaker 3 But she got her vengeance against you, but you can tell this for sure now. You know what? Go ahead and roll another insight check against her, same as you did last time.

Speaker 1 Five. Damn it.

Speaker 3 Five this time.

Speaker 3 Well, you could tell that she was annoyed by the rocks being thrown at her and and the guiding bolt she had gotten earlier she's more annoyed now but you don't know how annoyed exactly okay but she doesn't work has she taken how much damage has she taken or is she just pissed off at this point she doesn't look like she's getting injured she's just getting pissed off but it's definitely progressively more pissed off you can tell that dude so we should throw a rock at her too i could hit her with a rock uh how's my rock throwing skills uh your rock throwing skills are

Speaker 3 not particularly great, but you also have, yeah, you have Wayne a plus of

Speaker 1 zero on rock throwing.

Speaker 3 But you have a crossbow. You could try to shoot her.

Speaker 1 I do

Speaker 1 crossbow or crossbow. Also, it has hand as one of my weapons, right? My hand is pretty good.

Speaker 1 Can I just bitch slap her? Just walk up like open-hand slapped as hard as I fucking can.

Speaker 3 You could run up and you could, while her head is getting a little bit low, dodging arrows and attacks you could try to smack her in the face potentially yeah i just want to slap the out of her yes absolutely an unarmed strike for you looks like it would only be a plus two you could give that a try all right let's go i feel good do i let's take this dragon down with rocks and slap do i get one roll

Speaker 1 you can make one roll and you had a plus two on a plus two no whammy 11 11 not bad

Speaker 3 13 you run up and you're kind of like the dragon's head gets low for a moment you grab onto one of her uh scales and you pull up and you go to smack her and you just smack her.

Speaker 3 It's like slapping the side of a car. You're just hitting this scale and then her eye flickers to you and then she shakes her head.
And I would like you to make a dexterity saving throw, actually.

Speaker 3 As you go hurtling through the air, you're trying to land safely without getting hurt. All right, like a cat.

Speaker 1 Come on, my feet.

Speaker 1 17. 17 on dexterity.
Nice.

Speaker 3 If you're dexterity bonus, you land just fine and take no damage. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've sent a a powerful message to her, which is I'm not afraid to do something stupid. Right.

Speaker 3 Absolutely, for sure.

Speaker 1 Here's a slap.

Speaker 3 And you are welcome to make your own insight check against this dragon. I would love to.

Speaker 1 I would love to have an insight check. So I just rolled a five.

Speaker 3 Oh, I just checked it. I'm sorry for suggesting it because you had a minus one anyway.

Speaker 3 So if you had a four total, it's a dragon. You know that.

Speaker 1 I forgot. Okay, confirmed.

Speaker 1 So we're going to do Ehrlich and Billy's turns, and then we'll end there. So you guys got to do something.
We got to do something. You want to just throw a rocket at it?

Speaker 1 Is there like a stone cold stunner? Is there any other move besides Elliot? What can Ehrlich do? Tripper.

Speaker 3 You could do an eldritch blast. You are also very persuasive, and you could try talking to her the same way the cleric did,

Speaker 3 the war priest did.

Speaker 1 You could also do your burning hand spell and then like really shower her with fire. Okay.
All right. What are you going to do? Blast.
Blastoise. Blast.
Let's go. Blast.

Speaker 3 Great choice. Now, I realized something I had forgotten, Hank.
I didn't give you your advantage for the guiding bolt last time, and I owe you that. So this time, I'm giving you the guiding bolt bonus.

Speaker 3 Uh, roll two times and take the higher of the attack.

Speaker 1 One, oh, not great.

Speaker 1 Hold on, what was that? Dice on the floor, dice on the floor, Hank. What does that mean?

Speaker 3 Uh, dice out of the floor, I never count you.

Speaker 1 Okay, roll again

Speaker 1 19.

Speaker 1 Let's go.

Speaker 3 Your eldritch blast flies through the air. As the dragon turns, it is letting out a roar saying, this village is going to, ah, and it goes right into her mouth, your eldritch blast.
She swallows it.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 and she's coughing, and smoke is coming out of her mouth. And then she

Speaker 3 hacks like a cat and says, I am this close to just.

Speaker 3 And I will let you make an insight check to see what you think she was going to say, Hank. If you want to roll insight, you have a plus,

Speaker 3 let's see, your bonus for Ehrlich is a plus zero on this, but go ahead and roll insights.

Speaker 1 Just one roll.

Speaker 1 Just one roll. One roll.
Seven. Shit.

Speaker 3 Seven? Yep. You don't know exactly what she was going to say.
Say, but for some reason, she was afraid to say it. And I will tell you this, lots of cultists have started to gather around the castle.

Speaker 3 You think she wasn't willing to say it because the other cultists would have overheard. She's saying this in the common tongue.

Speaker 1 This dragon seems like it's not trying to fight. It doesn't want this.
Wait, do you think there's a chance that she was like, man, if they throw any more rocks, I'm fucked.

Speaker 3 It was something along those lines, you think. And you know what?

Speaker 3 Billy, I'll let you start your turn with your own insight check to see if you know what she would have said.

Speaker 1 Do not try to fuck this dragon. I want to ride it.
I want to jump on this.

Speaker 1 Do not get rid of this dragon.

Speaker 3 dragon but we're better just ride the dragon dude you're all trying to beat the dragon you're trying to it and it's not working okay here we go insight check this be a plus 18 18 18 18 18 with a 22 you know exactly what she was going to say she didn't want to say it because her friends are nearby but she was going to say if this keeps happening I am just going to leave this village and let the cultists handle this themselves.

Speaker 3 But she didn't want to say that in front of them. She knew it would have broken their morale if she went by

Speaker 1 what would you like to do berserker billy i would like to do a mounted assault and like jump on its back and try to like either break it or choke hold chokehold like i want to mount it jump on its back smell it's like either be like let like let kiss it be my be my steed or i'm gonna beat you up i want to ride the dragon

Speaker 3 Then I will let you first make an athletics check to jump onto this dragon.

Speaker 1 It was exactly the exact turn that he did last time.

Speaker 1 Just back.

Speaker 3 He's got a lot more on this too. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so. I just want to kiss it.

Speaker 1 13. 13.

Speaker 3 13.

Speaker 3 Plus 4, 17.

Speaker 3 That is just barely enough. Do you want this dragon's back? Do you want to be on its head or on its back?

Speaker 1 I'm like, I'm on its head. Like, if it has horns, I want to be grabbing it by the horns.

Speaker 3 So if you look at this image in my background, this dragon has one big horn. Do you want to be holding onto that or

Speaker 1 back on its head? Grab it and hold on for dragon. No, because because if it has going to shake me with shake its head, you can ride it.

Speaker 3 It's maybe a little safer further back.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 I want the best position of control on this dragon. Billy's humping.
Billy wants it. Yeah, really humping.
More close to the back of the dragon.

Speaker 3 The ears that you're kind of holding on to. And now I'll let you roll with advantage a persuasion check.

Speaker 3 You have a plus three on this. You roll two times and take the higher number.
See how much of a hold,

Speaker 3 how much this dragon's listening to you, right?

Speaker 1 All right, here here we go here's the dragon out of here first roll

Speaker 1 seven let's do the second roll

Speaker 1 20 20 the drug is my beach yeah billy

Speaker 3 and two things happen first of all you said you were trying to fly this dragon away from here right that was your main effect

Speaker 1 somewhere he can go with it and have some private conversations

Speaker 1 take it to like a an hourly rate hotel wants to be like hey babe you want to get out of here

Speaker 3 the dragon is letting out a roar.

Speaker 1 Forget this village. I hate this village.

Speaker 3 She takes off into the air and all the cultists are like, yeah, Lennathon. And then they see her with you on her head fly away from the village.

Speaker 1 And they're like,

Speaker 3 what's going on?

Speaker 3 And then, and this will be the cliffhanger, as you're flying away with Lennathon, she shakes her head left. She takes her head right.
And then finally she says, all right, little rock man,

Speaker 3 let's talk, you and I.

Speaker 1 What do you want?

Speaker 1 She's on to you. Never give up.

Speaker 1 Never give up.

Speaker 3 With a critical hit, you think this dragon is willing to maybe become friends with you.

Speaker 1 Congratulations. Dude, I'm so happy I told you to do that all on.
So we'll catch up tomorrow morning at brunch with Billy. Just dish about how your night was.
Billy's like, last night was a movie.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, Tim, another fantastic session.

Speaker 1 Just as a little heads up,

Speaker 1 yeah, we're going to have Tim on for the week before July 4th. So we're going to miss two weeks from now, but we're going to do an extra long one the week before July 4th.

Speaker 1 So that's going to be an hour-long Dungeons and Dragons session. This was fantastic.
Can I play Let's Get It On on my bagpipe as Billy and the Dragon flies after the sunset? Love that.

Speaker 1 Thank you, as always, Tim. We really appreciate it, and we'll talk to you soon.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. such a pleasure.
Take care, guys. Love you guys.

Speaker 3 Shy it away.

Speaker 3 Oh, I've been coming for your love, okay.

Speaker 3 Shy it away.

Speaker 3 Oh, I've been coming for your love, okay.

Speaker 3 Needless to say,

Speaker 3 I'll tell you, spirits tumble away.

Speaker 3 Smell and learning what life is okay.

Speaker 3 Say I'm coming, say I'm coming, say I'm to me, say I'm to me, say I'm to me, say up to me.

Speaker 1 It's no better to be safe than starving.

Speaker 1 faith

Speaker 1 on me, I

Speaker 1 don't

Speaker 1 know.

Speaker 1 Things I can say

Speaker 1 level,

Speaker 1 just flame that very.

Speaker 1 You are things I've come to remember. Be shy and away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 Chase me

Speaker 1 on me. I'll

Speaker 1 be your

Speaker 1 family.

Speaker 1 Take on me

Speaker 1 Take on me