We've Lost Control Of The Ship Plus Dungeons and Dragons Continues With Timm Woods

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, it's Dungeons & Dragons time. Unbelievable plot twist at the end of our Dungeons & Dragons...
No, it's not a trilogy. Trinity.
Journey. Sojourn.
It's like a Star Wars trilogy. It just never ends.
It's a thing. It's like you do three episodes and then you do three more.
and then you just do three more

we need more money we're like the Rolling Stones we just keep going out on tour it's our last reunion tour chillaxification tour we have hot seat cool throne we've got some things cooking internally yep sure do some things cooking there's making a sandwich and then there's crafting a sandwich and when i want something perfectly crafted i go straight to boar's head for over a century boar's head has been dedicated to crafting premium deli favorites every ingredient is carefully chosen every recipe made with a purpose. Their oven gold turkey, smoked master ham, and ever roast chicken are made from premium whole cuts, hand trimmed, and perfectly seasoned.
Last weekend, I made the ultimate sandwich, oven gold turkey, cheese, pickles, and mustard. Simple, but unbelievable.
So next time you're at the deli, don't settle, get the best. Boar's Head, committed to craft since 1905.
Discover the craftsmanship behind every bite at boarshead.com. Okay, let's go.
Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence And I'm not allowed of stuff, work to be done. No place to hang out or wash in, and then I can't blame all on the sun.
Oh no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're rock down to Dylan.
It's part of my take. Presented by Bar School Sports.
Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App. Go download it right now.
Use the code BARS so you get $10 for free. Also, go to the twitch.tv slash cash app whenever they go live on Twitch.
And if you leave a comment, they might give you some free money. Today is Wednesday, June 10th.
Sup, guys. How we doing? We're back.
I'm feeling good. I'm doing great.
We feeling good? Happy holidays. How are you doing? 6-9 was yesterday.
I feel fine. That's not funny, Hank.
I feel fine. Well, actually, you know what? PFT, I wanted to actually just talk to you.
Okay. Liam, can you turn off Hank and Billy's mic? No.
Let's get on the psychiatrist couch here. Okay.
Because we both had a tough day. I think what's happened here, this happens.
Wait, what happened? Hey, shut up. The mic's off.
Shut up. You're not a part of this conversation.
I think what's happened here, you know, whenever you have a family, right? And there's that point in time when the 10, 12- 12 year old kids turn into teenagers and the dads start becoming the butt of every single joke like i mean i've we've roasted our we've roasted our dads dads just become the roast we are it's a running roast show of your dad every family we are the dads now we have become the dads i'm getting roasted on twitch you're getting roasted by Hank and Ping Pong. Billy is just roasting me just mentally.
We are the dads. I think we need to ground them.
You're roasting yourself by losing both of you. Shut up.
The dads are talking. You're asleep.
That's a good option. We could ground them.
We could put them on punishment. Or we could maybe turn Billy, our youngest, against Hank and turn Hank into a dad already we should put we should put we should put weed in Hank's room and call the cops he'll hate that scare him straight yeah I don't do drugs yeah that's what's true here's there we go it's working our plan's already working I love it Billy continue's lazy.
Hank's lazy. Good job, Billy.
We're going to pay you. Here's what we're going to do.
Every time Billy finds something wrong that Hank does, we're going to give you a bonus, Billy. You have a bounty on Hank's missteps.
So, yeah. So, to update where we're at, no sports still.
We have Dungeons & Dragons coming up, which is fantastic the sports that do exist are uh me getting fucking really it's only against virginia fucked by virginia the moment was too big on sunday night and today way too big for you uh way too big for me i pissed down my leg i'm i'm back to being just i made all theseides, and now I'm terrible at video games again.

And then adding insult to injury to the 35-year-olds of this podcast,

PFD blew a 3-1 lead to Hank and Ping Pong.

So we're in a bad spot.

Right, it's not good.

Spin zone is I got out to a 3-1 lead, which is nice.

I won three games against Hank.

That's awesome. If it was the best of five series, which it started out being,

then I'd be fine.

I'd be home free.

It was tough to lose against basically my son. it's like when your son beats you in horse right the first time it's like you just gotta you gotta go inside and you gotta take your air monarchs off and you just gotta watch cops for five hours and the shitty thing is cops just got canceled so i can't even do that as a dad yeah cops just got canceled just got canceled today.
Paramount heard the people talking about the show.

The TV show. And apparently they heard all the defund the police and they decided to cancel cops.

Literally the TV show.

Filmed live on location.

Where's the change?

Can I sign a change.org?

We could or we could just.

There's got to be one.

There's got to be one.

I'll sign that.

Although that could get confusing.

But here's the thing.

Well, no, I don't want cops.

I want cops, the show, to come back. You haven't seen Cops in the last...
Go ahead, Hank. Whatever.
This is a very... This is a round table part of my take.
Big Cat, the last time you saw a new episode of Cops was probably like the mid-90s, though. Like when that dude from New Jersey...
Live PD, bro. That's a different one.
That's not Cops. They also got canceled in another way.
What? They filmed something live. I'm not taking my news from Billy.
We can still watch reruns. Wait, Live PD got canceled for filming something live that they shouldn't have? Oh.
Cut that part out, Hank. But yeah, cops is canceled too, so I can't even unwind like a normal dad does in times like this.
It's tough. It's tough, but I think maybe we have a solution.
We could ground them. What does grounding look like, though? know man send me away for a week send me away for no show for a week this sucks this sucks it's just I don't know man it just sucks to be putting yourself in positions where everyone tells you how shitty you are at something that should be fun like ping pong or video video games.
You did have 100,000 people watching you play video games, which is something of note. Put some respect on it.
They all watched me play the worst game of my life. We've got to find a hobby that is for people that are older than us so we can come in and dominate and be like the young kids.
Scrabble. Sports radio.
Here we go. We're sports radio guys now.
You would probably beat me in tribute. I'll give you that.
Thanks, Tank. Yeah, okay, nice.
Appreciate that. Speaking of which, by the way, if you're listening to this right now, between the hours of 10 and 12, we are going to be hosting Kentucky Sports Radio.
Billy's just throwing a football to himself into a mic. People are like, what does that sound? So we're hosting Kentucky Sports Radio today, 10 to 12.
There's going to be trivia. Only Kentucky callers, please.
Only Kentucky callers. We always ask this.
Only people calling in from Kentucky. What are you going to say? I don't know why you'd say this.
We just won't give the number out on this show. Correct.
But please, just respect it. I think there's a majority of AWLs actually respect our wishes because we always play the best of on Friday's show, which will happen.
So if you miss it, you'll hear the best of. And we always like to use the best Kentucky callers, so don't ruin it.
You're ruining your own enjoyment of this podcast. But we're also going to be doing trivia, Billy versus State of Kentucky.
That should be interesting. And another announcement, we're watching Lance.
What's it called? We're calling it The Last Lance. Yeah, The Last Lance.
Is it called anything? A Lance to remember. Lance.
That's it? I guess when your name's so fucking weird like Lance, you can just do it. So it's a two-part series, right? So it's four hours total.
What goes into name? When you have a baby, you look at a baby and you're like, that's Lance? That's Lance. No, you don't.
I feel like you name him. So fucking weird.
That's a kid that you're like, I'm going to wait until I meet it and know its personality and it turns out to be a real asshole and throws other babies under the bus. I feel like it's a medieval name.
It's a nickname for Lancelot. Yeah, maybe.
But it still is like... You ever get so hung up on names, you're like, Lance, Lance is Lance is not a little kid's name.
Well, I think Lance Armstrong probably killed the name Lance. Yeah, he probably no baby's name Lance.
Yes, yes, Lance. So we're going to watch that for Friday.
We have Judd Apatow coming Friday as well. Anything else going on? I mean, we're still in this like weird.
I think we're in the waiting pattern that sports might come back. Although seems to have fucked itself every every which way baseball is trying really really hard to not come back yeah so my understanding is that the owners have made three separate offers and one is like we're going to give you uh two-thirds of the salary one is we'll give you four six and the other is we're going to give you eight twelfths of the salary and so basically it's like three of the exact same things can i ask a question when i see the biggest thing that i see on twitter maybe this is just twitter because twitter is a fucking hellhole of a website but i see people saying that if baseball doesn't happen they're going to lose me as a fan how i'm still what are you going to do next i'm going to be pissed off don't get me wrong just say that you're going to be mad about it but what are you going to do next summer like there's nothing you could do off.
Don't get me wrong. Just say that you're going to be mad about it.
But what are you going to do next summer? Like, there's nothing you could do. Lacrosse.
Hank's doing lacrosse. I love when people make this line in the sand where, like, they lost me in 94.
They're going to lose me again. What are you going to do in July? We are going to watch baseball.
I mean, spin zone, if they lose us for this summer, they have to try to get us back next year. They have to try harder.
Juice the balls even more. Juice the balls.

Turn a blind eye to new steroids.

Let everybody get real massive and just start walloping dingers.

Just massive dongs everywhere.

I love it.

I love it.

So, yeah, that's happening.

We're waiting for NBA.

NFL seems like it's going on schedule. And college football teams.

Anthem protests will be back.

That's going to be fun.

What?

The anthem.

That's like completely reignited.

People are going to lose their mind again. I honestly think that this year people are just going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be fun. What? The anthem.
That's like completely reignited. People are going to lose their mind again.
I honestly think that this year people are just going to be like, okay, who cares? Like back in 2000. Did you see where, well, it's the guy you mock, who you rightfully mocked, Ben Shapiro, said that he can't watch sports anymore because he said that there's going to be two sports.
One where there's no politics and one where there is politics. All politics, sports, and zero politics.
So it's going to be the shittiest players playing in the no politics. We might be able to play in the no politics.
There's going to be a 52-year-old Drew Brees. Like 12 years from now, he's still going to be slinging around.
Also, shout out Drew Brees. I guess he's in the good graces of his teammates again.

So what we addressed with Booger last week, it actually ended up coming true.

It seems like Drew Brees had a productive conversation, and they're able to move forward,

and he's kind of like opening his ears up a little bit.

I still think the big controversy there is Drew did not acknowledge his grandmother that may have served in other ways while his grandfather was overseas fighting the Nazis.

So this is kind of par for the course of Drew Brees, just ignoring his female family members. Interesting.
Yeah. There's always another one.
But yeah, I actually had Ben Shapiro. Well, no, I had sports on my hot seat in general because they've lost Ben Shapiro.
Huge sports nut. All right, let's get to it then.
Let's get to our hot seat cool throw and we'll start with you, PFT. Ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working? Nah, neither has Ariat.
Ariat work jackets and boots are packed with all the cold-stopping waterproof protection you need to get the job done under any conditions so you can take any job out there and always deliver. Check out Ariat in your local workwear retailer or visit Ariat.com slash work to get 10% off your first order when you sign up for email.
And whether whatever in Ariat Work Gear. PFT, why don't you start Hot Seat Coulthard? My hot seat is me.
I'm putting myself on the hot seat. I'm having a very horrible, awful, no good, very bad week right now.
This is shit week for PFT. It's a bad week.
I lost to Hank. I blew a 3-1 lead.
Again, I did beat him 3-1 at first. All-time meltdown.
I didn't meltdown. Match point.
You melted down so hard you were saying you were repeating this is not a meltdown. And the tape shows that I gave Hank an extra point in game six, which would have meant that I won, so I lost, after building a 3-1 lead,

I lost that 3-1 lead to Hank.

I started assembling a desk last night

on a Twitch stream

thinking it would take me maybe three hours.

I'm through step five on it,

and it's out of 19 steps,

and it's probably going to take me

another 18 hours to assemble.

So now I've got a desk that's just floating.

It's still in two dimensions. I haven't even put it into a three dimension yet.
It's ground level. The desk hasn't grown.
You got to walk before you run. You got to be a ground level before you get up three feet.
I forgot to press in on a Chinese food order when I was grumpy, tired. That's the worst.
And in hour number five of assembling the desk, meaning that I had to wait until hour seven to get my food to nourish myself. And then I was done eating, it was time to go to bed, and I had to put the desk away, and then I go and I got stuck in my elevator taking Leroy out.
Let's go with your elevator. My elevator sucks.
If there's an elevator salesperson that listens to this show, hit me up. I need a new fucking elevator.
Guys, stop right now. Stop the elevator.
Yeah. Listen up.
You think that person goes into buildings and is like, I see you have shitty elevators. Yeah.
Let's switch those. I've got a hot lead for you if you're an elevator salesperson.
I swear to God. You can charge double what you normally do in this building.
Imagine if you put like. Because it breaks every goddamn day.
And I think. I mean.
It'd be hilarious. How many floors is your building? Five? Six? Six? It'd be hilarious if you put like a high speed like Sears Tower elevator in your six story building.
It when i would love basement to six in like four seconds as fast i want the turbo charge deal i want my family doesn't have a good history i think i mentioned this on the show but my great grandfather had an elevator fall on his head and that's how he died um what an idiot yeah he's like why would you have your head there yeah exactly he was i mean he wasn't he wasn the brains of my family. He was one from, yeah.
Okay. The brains went.
Yeah. Wait, you said great-great-grandfather.
I never met him. Yeah, great-great-grandfather is definitely open for jokes.
Wait, I think. Yeah.
Wait, was it not great-great-grandfather? I think it was. I mean, I never met the guy.
I think it was my great-grandfather on my mom's side. So your mom's great-grandfather? My mom's grandfather.
No, no. Okay, so my great-great-grandfather.
Yes, so that's totally fine to make fun of. What is your mom's grandfather? Dude, that is so far back.
Come on. Are you guys Otis elevator guys or are you the other guys? If your parents, if your grandparents.
What? I'm an Otis elevator guy. Sure.
There are two kinds of elevators. If your grandparents...
What's the other kind? It's your grandparents' grandparents. It's my grandparents' grandparents.
Grandparents. Totally cool.
I mean, that's, you know. Yeah.
If your grandparents... If someone you met, if it was their parents, then it's kind of like, eh, let's be okay.
I'm having a bad week, but it's always darkest before the dawn. That's what everyone says that doesn't understand how nights work.
I tweeted that the actual Instagram photo. It's always darkest before the dawn after I lost to Virginia Tech.
There you go, which isn't true, I've been told, by Neil deGrasse Tyson, but Neil deGrasse Tyson's a big nerd. Suck it, Neil.
Suck it, Neil. It's always darkest before the dawn.
Things will get better. Just when I started telling myself, PFT, things are going to get better.
It's all going to turn around. This week is going to have a sunny ending to it.
I saw that sports are coming back, indeed, in the form of a golf tournament this weekend. But the golf tournament is going to be commentated and narrated by the team of Darren Revell, Danny Cannell, and Dude Perfect.
Yes. It's waterboarding for me.
You have to watch it. I have to watch it.
I don't think you could have designed... I mean, where are the impractical jokers in all this? Just toss them in the mix while we're at it, and then that'll be...
It's like I wished on sports to come back, but I wished it on a cursed monkey's paw. Yes.
And so I'm having to deal with all this but it's i'm happy to bear that burden okay so do you have a cool throne my cool throne is uh i'm gonna go with cicadas i'm putting cicadas on the cool throne they're also back and they're on the cool throne the 17 year cicadas are back in a big way and they're buzzing i guess all around like virginia north carolina south carolina a lot of midwest a lot of the Midwest the cicadas are there are such hilarious creatures, but they're buzzing, I guess, all around like Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina. A lot of Midwest, too.
A lot of the Midwest. The cicadas are such hilarious creatures, but they're annoying as shit.
Yes. They're just very slow.
They fly like a foot off the ground. Don't let your dogs eat them.
They die. Yeah, if your dogs eat too many of them, then they can't poop afterwards.
Just a heads up. Good to know.
What about people? Yeah, they're also blind. If you eat them, can you poop? I'll get back to you in a week.
Okay. Hank, your hot seat, Cool Throne.
My hot seat is, it was PFT. I'm going to switch it.
I had two Cool Thrones. My hot seat is not being excellent to each other.
Your hot seat is no longer being excellent? No, it's hot seat. If you're not excellent to each other, that's on the hot seat because Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
New trailer came out today. What? Be excellent to each other.
Nice. I love that.
It's pretty good. So be excellent.
What are they doing? Are they going back in time again? They're going forward in time. They need to write a hit song to save humanity.
And the premise of the trailer is that they want to go forward in time to when the song is made

and then steal it and go back in time.

And it's like,

aren't we stealing from ourselves?

Yeah.

But that's, I guess...

Future you.

Yeah, it's a future you problem.

You're stealing from future you.

I don't know.

That's the premise of the movie.

It looks pretty good.

Bill and Ted's,

it's very quotable,

one of the most quotable movies of all time.

Yeah, I've always...

Give us some quotes.

Excellent.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Be excellent to each other.
That's all I got. So crazy.
Very quotable. Yeah.
So quotable. I like when they play death.
You got me on top. I'm not good off the top of my head.
It doesn't hurt here or here, but right here. That's...
Yeah, no, here that's yeah that's when they go back in time and chris farley is stealing rotary ideas from from them in the future to write a movie you know but you sound you sound like you know i've seen it i like it's just i don't i don't go around quoting it okay i think i guess i guess really it really is that there used to be a Circle K near my college. And so, every time I go, it's like, strange things are put at the Circle K.
So, I've used that quote a lot, but I guess that's the only quote from the movie I really use. I think that Bill and Ted was to Keith Olbermann as, like, stepbrothers is to Trey Like the mid-90s SportsCenter anchors, they were dropping Bill and Ted references left and right.
My cool throne is recurring guests of the show, kind of, Dan Bilzerian. Oh, yeah.
Friend of the program. He wrote a book, and he had some trouble finding a name for his book, so he tweeted out, I'll give anyone who picks the title for my book $5,000, and I'll just read some of the most best responses.

I'm a big giant fraud.

Do you have any before I get into the responses?

Something about his penis size.

Dan Bilzerian.

The only thing shorter than my Navy career is my penis.

Dan Bilzerian.

Perpetual midlife crisis.

I don't know who the fuck Dan Bilzerian is, but I want $5,000. Love your kids so they don't end up like me.
Tale of Dan Bilzerian. And the last one.
Blowing an inheritance through an eternal midlife crisis fueled by feelings of inadequacy. Dan Bilzerian's guide to Still Only Being 5'9".
Oh, yikes.

Yikes.

So you can't take that away from somebody.

Oh, damn.

My chin sucks. Who's going to read his book?

Here's Beard.

How does he still have money?

His dad.

He was being roasted from the show.

Yeah, his dad made a lot of money,

and then he, I guess, blew most of it on poker.

Damn.

That's how he got rich.

Billy's still probably in the phase where you're like, Dan Bilzerian, that's sweet.

He's pretty cool, but...

We met him.

Didn't you know we met him?

I know you met him, but he's got really cool trucks.

He does.

He's got the guns.

There you go, Dan.

Maybe you win the $5,000, Billy. Dan Bilzerian, he's got really cool trucks.
He does. He's got the guns.
There you go, Dan. Maybe you win the $5,000, Billy.

Dan Bilzerian.

He's got really cool trucks.

Hope.

Yeah.

Some of his posts are pretty cool.

My life's tight.

Love, Dan.

I mean, like.

It's okay, Billy.

It's totally fine.

No, you're of the age

where you can absolutely

still like him.

I can?

Yeah.

And then like five years from now, you'll be like, whoops. When he still hasn't, he'll be doing the same shit and you won't.
Okay. That's fair.
All right. I'm pretty sure his dad made all of his money and went to prison for like a Ponzi scheme or something.
Talking to the mic. Oh, yeah.
All right. What's your hot seat culture on, Billy? Hot seat, J.K.
Rowling. Yeah.
She like, for some reason. Where are you going here? Everyone's mad at her for saying stuff and like legitimately she has for some reason everyone's mad at her for saying stuff does everyone just randomly decide she wrote another book and people are mad at what happened in the book yeah I don't know yeah is she a Slytherin what side do you agree with her I just think that if you have a really popular book.
Basically, she's done something that's made all of her fans hate her. Right.
All of her. A lot of them.
Tell them to watch sports. Do you still hate her? I don't really understand the nuances of it, but I was looking for a hot seat.
Never mind. Bill de Blasio is on the hot seat because he killed a groundhog a couple years ago, and now everyone else hates him, but that's why I hate him.
And also he gave me no snow days growing up. Alright, well that's a good hot seat.
Cool throne, cool throne, all of us. Because there was a white spirit bear spotted in Canada, which is a sign of good things to come.
So cool throne, all of us. A white spirit bear.
It's a phenotype of a grizzly where it has white fur. Hell yeah.
Are we sure it wasn't a polar bear? Yes. It was not a grower bear.
It was a grizzly. You can tell by the hump on its back, the grizzly hump.
And I'm pretty psyched. Are you sure it wasn't Rob Ford's ghost? I hope Rob Ford's ghost in that bear.
That's why it's white. For the crack.
Yeah. Just snort snow out there.
Okay, good one, Billy. Good job.
All right, my hot seat is Drew Brees, but not for what everyone's mad about Drew Brees about. It's because Jameis Winston has spoken.
Now, I don't know if Jameis... I think Jameis Winston is Jameis one of one because he said, and I quote, I know what I'm worth, and I know day in and day out without publicly coming in and saying it, that historically I'm one of the best quarterbacks to play the game.
True. Also, credit to Jameis for not saying it.
Listen, he didn't say it. Historically, history said it.
He said, he doesn't come out and say it. History has spoken, and Jameis Winston has told himself that he is one of the best quarterbacks of all time.

Is he just reading Jameis 101?

That's part of history. Listen, like it

or not, Jameis 101

is contributing to the history

of the United States. That's a record book

that will always exist and according to history,

Jameis is a Hall of Fame quarterback. He said,

my entire life I've been a winner. Little League

football, middle school,

high school, college. Obviously, the NFL is a little more difficult.
But I've been a winner little league little league football middle school high school college obviously the NFL is a little more difficult but I've been a winner I don't want to be viewed as a loser it's going to come it's going to happen is something I've been fighting for my entire life building up to this I I'm on the right side of history Jameis Winston's going to be a hall of favor well listen he's he's on a good right now. He's going to look sick in those all-white Saints uniforms.

That's going to look fucking awesome.

Him and Taysom Hill and Drew Brees together.

I'm very much looking forward to that.

He has also been showing up in elite workout videos this offseason.

Not only did he have the baseball bat one, but did you see him boxing the other day?

He is, wow.

I don't want to shame anybody for trying a new sport or maybe attempting anything athletic for the first time outside of football but watching him box i actually think i could beat up jamis winston and i'm not a good boxer wow he he looks like a beginner out there wow interesting i mean i don't know rough and rowdy i would i'd hear by later dude i hereby challenge jamis winston to fight me in rough and rowdy in NFL stadium. Now that Ben Shapiro has sworn off sports, so I can't know.
Rough and Rowdy. He's a winner, dude.
I hereby challenge Jameis Winston to fight me in Rough and Rowdy. In an NFL stadium.
Now that Ben Shapiro has sworn off sports, so I can't fight him in Rough and Rowdy anymore, I challenge Jameis Winston to take me on Rough and Rowdy. All right.
Gauntlet's been thrown. He's got a lot of size on you.
He's got a lot of size. That's fine.
Big tree fall hard. He's got like eight inches on you.
Yeah. How tall is he? 6'4"? 6'3".
6'3"? Wingspan, too. Wingspan? wingspan too 50 pounds on you i'm i'm a wide 5'9 hands wise what is that what you tell yourself yeah i'm like i'm like a chode my arms are are longer than those of a 5'9 man my wings you listen i might not be tall but you should check out my wingspan listen here's what i would do if i fought jamis win, I'd just double leg him and take him down.
And I wouldn't care if I lost a fight. At least I'd tackle Jameis Winston.
Or Rick Riley joke, you could just wear a linebacker's number. He'd never see you coming.
That's good. I'm going to give that 1.5.
Jameis Winston is a cicada. He showed up when he was 17 and he's blind.
And then he's going to die. Because we all do.
All right. My cool throne is, well, I've not been doing so well either.
But I think it's about to turn for me because I'm moving. And I got a little patch of grass, shrubbery at the new place.
You have a lawn? No, it's not really a lawn. It's not a lawn.
It's like weeds coming up through the weeds coming up yeah it's like a shrubbery yeah but get this talk to the previous tenant he said if you look close enough there's a bunch of four-leaf clovers in there you should grow weed so i'm about to have the greatest gambling season of my life and if anyone wants four-leaf clover i'll be selling them for whatever i'm down okay i, I like that, but also you could grow weed. Can you legally? Sure.
I'll just blame Billy. Yeah.
Billy, you live in a barn. You should grow weed.
I'm not growing weed. Why? For us.
I don't like weed. Grow weed inside Vanny Woodhead and then sell it as a package.
Yes, dude. Hydroronics.
Yeah, there we go. Learning how to grow weed.
Why not? What do you mean? I'm not a weed guy. Bot guy.
We'll plant the weed for you. You guys have gotten so weed heavy lately.
Well, no, we don't necessarily use it all the time, but it's just cool to talk about. We're a pandemic.
Listen, we're dads now, okay? We have a minor leaguer to look after. So just talking about weed makes us seem a lot cooler.
So, yeah, either grow it in your van or in your barn, grow it in the van, or, Big Cat, you have a son. Like, why can't you, if the cops come and you have a weed plant, why can't you be like, it's my kids? What are you going to do, arrest a baby? He was spitting seeds out of his mouth, then six months later that thing came up.
Yeah, I mean, cops isn't even on the air anymore. There probably aren't any police around.
It's true. We'll blur his face out.
Alright, that is the start of the show. What a start of the show.
We have another great second half of the show. We have Dungeons and Dragons coming up.
It is fantastic. When your home system or appliance breaks down, American Home Shield will help fix or replace the covered item, no matter its age.
Visit ahs.com slash listen for 20% off any plan. See ahs.com slash listen for 20 off any plan see ahs.com slash contracts for coverage details limitations and exclusions and now dungeons and dragons okay it is wednesday the second every two weeks we have our good friend tim woods back on dungeons and dragons we're gonna to pick up where we left off tim please tell us where we left off because i uh a lot of life has happened in the last two weeks absolutely for sure um well we left our adventures on a very exciting cliffhanger because we as adventurers had made our way our full party had made our way into the village of greenest bought some kobolds on the way there bought some cultists but now we've made our way, our full party had made our way into the village of Greenest, bought some kobolds on the way there, bought some cultists.
But now we've made our way to the castle where we have prepared and made ready for the arrival of the mighty blue dragon, Lenathon, who has just flown up to our castle at the kind of instigation of us and our illusions, because we had, as I recall last time, had a plan that we were going to lure this dragon to the castle using stew and chili. It was a chili-like plan.
Yes, yes. It was like a hologram of chili.
Of fake chili and telling everyone don't touch it and we're waiting for the dragon. We're all hunkered in the castle i do remember it you also tim sent us uh like a player basically like almost player cards for each of our guys so we can we'll tweet these out tomorrow it's a biography but they're incredible they're incredible i like it's incredible what you do and it's your website i assume I assume.
I noticed a little bit. Oh, go ahead.
To be clear, that's not my website. That D&D Beyond is the official D&D character sheet website where anyone can go on and make D&D characters, and now all of you have kind of stats and stuff to look at for referencing your character details.
What are your strengths? What are your spells? And what are your abilities? I love it. We.
Character sheets. Yeah, we're going to definitely tweet this out tomorrow so people can follow along.
And I did notice that Billy the Berserker has 15 strength. What's yours? And I have 16 strength.
Oh, that's one better. Interesting.
Okay. Huh.
So I'm stronger than Billy. Slight, slight, marginal.
Yeah yeah but wouldn't you say 16 is bigger than 15 it is a a higher bonus for sure yeah okay great all right so any words from uh anyone else before we get back into it anything else no let's do it let's get into it i want to take out this dragon and only this dragon we should also also mention. What does dexterity mean? Ability with both hands.
To be a serial killer but also be a cop. It's like a quickie bar and how, like, your ability to dodge attacks and stuff like that, whereas strength is more like your ability to raw power to punch things.
Yes. Also, Tim, we should mention that PFT, Wayne, and Ehrlich.
Yes. They just played in a seven-game series in ping pong, and there's a lot of tension in the room.
I am tension-free. I feel great.
No, you're not tension-free. I have no tension in my body.
I feel great if I got awarded a free bogus point in game six, too. It may spill over a little into this game.
I just want you to know. And also, there's tension between me and Berserker Billy because he's a fucking idiot and it drives me nuts but here we are uh all right all right tim yeah let's do it let's get into it so we're in the castle a little bit of game bleed yeah yeah all right the dragon's name is what again so so we had learned that this dragon who had been lured in by the smell of our stew had started flying to the castle the dragon The dragon's name, I'm not sure if it had blurted out yet, but it was flying to our castle, roaring, you now face Lenathon, the scion rat, as it had crashed into our castle and knocked over a little bit of the castle wall.
It was looking down into the castle at all of us but only after berserker billy had launched a guiding bolt successfully at this dragon to basically zap it with this big powerful laser beam this dragon as it's flying towards the castle was glowing and all of us just a reminder will now have advantage on any attacks we do against this dragon thanks to berserker billy's attack but this dragon had just been flying to the castle and she is now crashing into the castle wall she's looking down into this castle sniffing the air and she just said you are all in for it now you speak draconic and in theory that's listed somewhere in your character sheet but i can go over who speaks draconic and stuff but we know that uh we would be understanding that this dragon is able to talk and it is very upset about that attack that berserker billy just did uh it is looking at the stew but i do just want to remind us the stew is only a hologram so the moment this dragon touches the stew which it looks like it's considering doing it looking into this castle right now, and it is looking at the stew. The moment she touches it, that she's going to realize that this is just an illusion.
But right now, all she's doing is looking to the castle, but her gaze is definitely focusing on the Goliath cleric, Berserker Billy, who has just dealt the first blow. The second strongest in our group.
Yeah, the yeah second strongest guy that we have i'm concerned that maybe the dragon doesn't think the chili looks delicious enough is there a way that maybe erla could go down and make sure that it's still nice and warm and giving off a good smell i would say that with our illusion in place right now it is still wafting a very very good smell it looks very appetizing but i'd say we hear the dragon muttering to itself stew and she doesn't seem like she cares too much about food however we're noticing something there's a glint in her eyes and she's seeing all the peasants who have we said had lined up uh thanks to hank uh we had or thanks to uh uh erlic the the warlock he had convinced everybody here to line up and make it look good and many of these people are saying oh i hope this dragon doesn't eat our stew and as they say that to each other very convincingly the dragon does seem to be looking at the stew with amusement like she might try to knock it over or something like that. in theory the first turn right now is norm the barbarian or the barbarian whatever you want to do right now this dragon is taking pause and taking stock what's going on in this castle okay can i can i can i with my turn uh be like is there is there an extra bonus for like really pointing someone? So I want to be like, hey, it was him,

and really point out Billy Berserker so the dragon really knows it was him.

That's a free action.

You point in his direction.

Okay, I'm going to do that.

Glances there.

She mutters, I know that.

Okay.

So there's no under-the-bus move that you can use.

So what should I do?

What should I do, guys? I feel like if we attack this dragon straight on, it's going to be bad news. Okay.
That's what the dragon... We have to outsmart it.
We have to lay down some sort of trap. But I'm not the smart guy.
I'm the strength guy. Okay.
You could... I don't know.
Maybe you could... What would you recommend, Tim? Wait.
Does this dragon breathe fire? Is it hot fire? We do know that all dragons breathe some kind of a breath weapon. I would invite anybody who wants can roll a d20, and there are kind of skill bonus if they want to know what they think this dragon will breathe, but we don't know if it's fire or if it's something weird or like acid or something like that.
The dragon has blue scales, so you could roll a check to see if you know what a blue scale dragon is. All right, go ahead and re-hink.
Ehrlich's going to roll. Absolutely.
He's got a plus four on this, I'm noticing on his. I got a hot hand, too.
Okay, he's got a hot hand. He's doing really well on ping pong.
Three. Three.
Good job. Wait, I'm going to give you one more.
That's a four. I can't end up with a four on that one.
And you had a plus four, so that sounds like a seven total that you know it's a dragon you know it's going to breed something but you don't know what exactly okay so can i like throw a big rock at it you absolutely could and i would say we have the barbarian going up first most of what you do is throwing stuff or attacking and so yeah it's generally one of two things now when you get ready to chuck this rock at the dragon, if that's what you want to do, you, I would be asking, are you going to enter your barbarian rage in this situation? Because if you do, you get advantage on any checks that are based on throwing or climbing. Yeah, I'm going to rage.
Yeah, let me rage. Let me rage and fucking whip this thing.
Absolutely. You grab a rock, you let out a raging roar, and you get ready to throw it.
I believe you have a plus five on this, actually. But you get to roll two times and take the higher number.
Okay, here we go. 16.
That's pretty good. So far, so good.
18. Let's go.
Even better. And with a plus five on that, you got a 23.
You are whipping a rock right in this dragon's direction. And the dragon was looking at Berserker Billy while you were throwing the rock at her.
So she turns back to look at you and opens her mouth. And then the rock just ricochets right into her eye right off one of the scales into her eyes and the rock falls out and you can tell you bruised her eye a little bit but she looks at you norm the barbarian and she grits her teeth and she says you dare and she crushes the castle wall a little bit you dare i hate villages like this she just shakes her head tell her get lost that very annoyed okay all right so so one question before we go to the next turn i think it's uh billy's up next but tim you've you've played this game your whole life you understand uh i think you might i can't remember did you say you watched any sports i've've watched a little bit Alright, but you saw me throw there, you would say that's better than a Division 3 quarterback that's like a Division 1 quarterback, right? I would say definitely at least Division 2 we're talking for sure Alright, good The 23, however I'd say with the 23, that felt like a Division 1 Yes.
Yes, yeah, baby. Definitely a lot better than a Division III wide receiver.
Great throw. That was a great throw.
The Dragon, not only can you tell that she was a little bit hurt by that, at least, she was very annoyed and highly embarrassed by getting hit by that. She knows it was a good one.
She knows you're making her look foolish. and if you're not doing any moving what i'd let you do right now norm before your turn ends i'd let you roll an insight check on her if i pull up your character sheet it looks like your insight skill is plus one not your best skill but you're not bad at it either you have some natural barbarian instincts this will be to tell how she's to tell what she's thinking right now.
Okay. All right, here we go.
Insight. 18, I got the hot hand.
Now with a plus one on that, you got a 19. I'm going to give you a little clue at this point.
You know that you just embarrassed her very badly and she just said, I hate villages like like this you know that this dragon does not want to be here she's annoyed by this whole situation she's being made to look like a fool in front of a bunch of humans and dwarves and elves and she would rather not be here right now which surprises you because there's nothing in the world that you can think of that would convince a dragon to be somewhere that it did not want to be. If this dragon just got hit in the eye, it's like, what am I doing here in this village? These guys are so lame.
It's that movie Carrie, where she doesn't want to go to prom or whatever, but she does, and then she gets blood poured all over her, and she's like, convince her. What did Carrie do after that? I like that you picked Carrie as an example because at any moment this dragon looks like it might start freaking out and just exploding in all directions.
Okay, so who's up next? Billy the Berserker? It would actually be Wayne who's up next than Ehrlich than Berserker Billy. All right.
Billy had just fired the last guiding bolt on his last turn. That's right.
Wayne, you are up, and I wanted to highlight that on your character sheet, you can see some of the spells you can cast, but also, of course, as a bonus action, you can do your inspiration to give anybody here a little bit of a boost that they can choose to use on their turn. Yeah, I can talk somebody up.
I also noticed that I have bagpipes as one of my tools. So I was thinking— I want to emphasize, I picked all those musical instruments for you.
If you want to swap out any of those – No, bagpipes are great. Bagpipes are perfect.
So after my turn, I noticed that Ehrlich goes. So I'm thinking maybe I could psych up Ehrlich, the – what are you, Hank? The warlock? The warlock from Boston by playing shipping up to Boston on the bagpipes and making him so pumped up that he goes and he takes on the dragon one-on-one.
Wow. Because he can't resist it.
That's very nice of you. Yeah.
Great pump-up song. You start playing that, and I'd say not only Ehrlich, but all the town guard as well are starting to get into this theme as you're playing it.
And you have given inspiration to Ehrlich. Love it.
Go get him, Ehrlich. What a team player.
Wait, what's the name of the village we're actually in? What was that? What's the name of the village we're currently in? Greenest is the name of this village. Shipping up to Greenest.
Shipping up to Greenest. All right, Hank.
You're so pumped up, Ehrlich. Go get him, buddy.
You have to roll, don't you? Go get him, buddy. No, I used my turn to pump you up.
That's it? And now you just used your bonus action, so I'm happy to say you can do that, and you can still cast a spell or do an attack with your weapon. Or you can make a skill check right now.
He doesn't want to melt down again. Wayne, what kind of spells do I have? Put a spell on Ehrlich to make him think he's better than he is.
Yeah, can I put a spell on Ehrlich to make him super confident? Essentially make him think that he's got a lead on me. Yeah.
Make him think he can read. Shouldn't we be focused on the dragon, Tim? No, I think we need to take out this dragon.
Hank, you're the best weapon that we have. Yeah.
So I'd like to, yeah, how can I inspire him? What can I do? What kind of spell can I put on Hank to make him think that he can beat a dragon? Yeah, in terms of buffing spells that you could give to one of your other teammates, I don't think I gave you any, but there's one spell that I could have given you. Let's say you have this spell.
It's called Enhance Ability, and you get to pick one of Ehrlich's ability scores, and anytime he uses it, he gets advantage on it. So if he's planning on talking, then you could do Enhanced Charisma on him, and he'd be an extra great talker.
if he's planning on talking then you could do enhanced charisma on him and he'd be an extra great talker if he's planning on like climbing something you could enhance his strength so he's extra good at climbing what would you want to enhance intelligence yeah his wisdom so he's intelligent he's at a 10 right now which isn't great and i'd like to bump him up to at least i don't know like a 12 or 14 the good thing is you won't pump up his stat at all. Instead, anytime he rolls anything wisdom related, he gets to roll two times now and take the higher number.
Let's get Ehrlich real smart. Yeah, you're smart, dude.
And that variation of enhanceability would be called like owl's wisdom. So suddenly, Ehrlich, you feel like you can see all around you and you're able to just read people's expressions and you're just supernaturally good at observing things around you with your wisdom so you have inspiration and your wisdom is enhanced i love that erlik so uh we are up to you now erlik is uh what would you like to do you're looking up at this dragon it looks looks like after Berserker Billy's turn, the dragon is going to do something.
We just don't know what yet. And what would you be considering doing? You could attack the dragon, cast a spell, do whatever you want.
Use a skill like if you roll any wisdom-based skills like perception or insight. Can I use it? It's my turn, please.
Can I ask a question, Hank? Ehrlich, can I ask a question? Sure. I appreciate it if you're waiting for your turn, but go ahead.
Does Ehrlich have enough wisdom to figure out if this dragon... Can he see in the future? Will he be able to see if this dragon's just going to leave? Well, can I...
If you roll an insight check on the dragon, you would get advantage on that. You could roll two times.
Unlike Norm, who could only roll once, your wisdom is enhanced. You could roll two times if you do that.
How about you let me answer on my turn, please? You don't want to know what the dragon's doing before you figure out what to do? PFT, it was just your turn and you used it for me, right? Yeah, let's go, Hank. Come on, Hank.
Tim, is there anything I can do to make sure my teammates are safe? You know, defense, protective orders? To make sure what's a defense order? You know, if the dragon's going to attack, I would just like to ensure that my compadres are safe against all attacks. Absolutely.
You, let's see, protective spells? I don't think you have any protective spells, but I'd let you use your action if you wanted to dive in the way to offer protection to one of your teammates. You could make one of your teammates any attacks against them would have disadvantage.
You can dodge, and you would give that to yourself, but I'd let you give it to somebody else instead if you dive in their way. Is that something you'd want to do with your action? No, let's attack.
Let's attack. Let's attack.
PFT pumped me up. I'm ready to attack.
D-bap. Yep.
I want to let you know you can attack with your best attack spell, which is, well, to be fair, you have Eldritch Blast, which is a great attack spell. You also have Burning Hands, which is better when you have a cone of enemies in front of you.
Sometimes I can find them. But you can do an Eldritch Blast against this dragon, or you could also use your insight skill to see if you know what the dragon's doing, and you would have advantage.
You could do both of those things. Yeah, let's do Blast and Insight.
Blasting Insight. A Barbacuffalo move.
Yes. So you'll charge up an Eldritch Blast.
This is where I'm going to ask you a quick question, actually. Flavor your Eldritch Blast.
There's something I would always ask a warlock. There are three different beings that you can make a pact with.
You could have made a pact with to get your powers. The choices are a demon of some kind, a fiend, a great old one, an alien god of some sort, or a fey being a creature of the woods and the forests.
Demon. What are those choices? Demon.
Demon fiend. Demon.
Absolutely. Just wanted to make sure that's the one I built you with.
So fire is conjured up in your hands, and you hurl what looks like multicolored flames at this dragon. Go ahead and roll a d20 plus, I believe, a plus four for your attack with Eldritch Blast.
I got a four. Yes, confirming that.
Four. Four! You only rolled a four, Tim.
He stinks. A four plus a four is an eight, so unfortunately you hurl this Eldritch Blast at the dragon, but the dragon just looks in your direction and easily moves her head out of the way, and your Eldritch Blast is flying by this dragon.
I should have protected you guys. go ahead and roll an insight check with your move and you do have advantage on that um because of the owl's wisdom that just got granted to you by uh the barred weight all protein bars generally taste the same but not one bars one made protein bars are actually delicious with reese's and hershey's only one reese's peanut butter lover's protein bar is made with Reese's peanut butter and only one Hershey's cookies and cream protein bars is made with Hershey's cookie bits while delivering 18 grams of protein and three grams of sugar.
One bars are the perfect protein bar to get you through your busy day, whether you need a quick pick me up between meetings or you need some fuel to power you through your next workout. One also has other delicious flavors like birthday cake, maple glazed donut, and blueberry cobbler.
Find all one bars at a retailer near you or on Amazon.com. And now, more Dungeons & Dragons.
He gets rolled two times a day. What'd you get, Hank? Another four.
Another four? Dude, you stink. You suck.
Was the four the higher of the two rolls? Yes. Oh, wait, I can roll twice? Yeah.
You rolled two times because of Owl's wisdom. Seven.
You got a seven. Seven? Okay.
Plus your investigation, sorry, your insight bonus, Ehrlich, looks like it is only a plus zero. So I'm sorry to say with a seven, you're not learning anything about what this dragon's thinking right now.
I want to throw this knife at you. Can we cancel the dragon? Like, can we find out if the dragon has bad tweets in the past? Yeah, problematic tweets.
Or if they've we can... Shame.
We shame the dragon out of the city. You know what I'll let you do is you can, all of you, roll a history check right now.
Anyone who wants to roll a history check, see if you know anything about this dragon. Let's search for the timeline.
It's painful if it's past. I rolled an eight.
Eight is not going to do the trick, I got a 15 Sorry who got a 15? Billy That was Ehrlich You got a plus 4 on this So yes With a 19 total That was Billy I only when? I got a six. So Billy was our high roll with 15.
Billy was the high roll. And with a plus zero on history then with a 15, you do know that this dragon, you don't know who Lenathon is necessarily, but you do know that this is a dragon who hasn't emerged from her lair in a long time.
You think she comes from the mountains south of here. Mountains.
And you're very surprised because you think that this dragon has not emerged for over a hundred years. Very weird for Lenathon to be out and about right now.
But you don't know anything shameful from her past, unfortunately. You think actually she was watching eggs for a long time.
That would be your guess. So it's my turn, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So what do you want to do? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What do you want to do? You're not that strong. And don't throw stuff.
You're less strong than me. I am stronger than you because knowledge is power, and I have plus two wisdom.
I would like to reach out. I have plus three wisdom.
I would like to reach out to the dragon as the healer of the group. The dragon's hurt, am I correct? The dragon is a little bit injured by your guy's goal.
I would like, and probably has a lot of psychological damage from whoever's controlling the dragon and being locked up for a hundred years, am I correct? I would like to reach out to the dragon and offer spiritual and physical healing. And I would like to, in exchange, in exchange, wait, wait, wait, wait.
It's got eggs. I got a plan, I got a plan, I got a plan.
In exchange for the dragon's services and being my steed, and I would like to also say I would help take care of the dragon's children. I want to be a step so the father's definitely gone you want to you want to step in i want to step in i want to ride the dragon i want to ride the dragon and take care of the little dragon puppies okay okay so i was just checking your character sheet to see what languages you speak and it does seem like Dragon Onyx is not one of them but you can address this creature in common to speak to it and if you want to do that you can roll a persuasion check You have a plus three Get this dragon, Billy Let's.
We're going to get rid of the toxicity. My next turn, I want to throw a rock at Billy's eye for me.
14. Gross.
14 plus 3, so 17. This dragon looks at you, and then she starts to break into a smile, you think.
But it looks scary because she's staring her teeth at you

but i'm gonna go and then she zooms in really really close to you and she says one thing in common first not so brave now little giant ling are you and she snips you and then says why and And before you can say anything, she says, why should I listen to you when I can crush

this castle so easily? says, why, and before you can say anything, she says, why should I listen to you

when I can crush

this castle so easily?

Is she like really close to me?

Like her face is close to you?

Yeah, and I would like to lean

in and kiss the dragon.

Can he kiss the dragon?

You lean in to kiss

the dragon?

Roll one more persuasion check real quick.

Come on, baby.

Come on.

You're going to get laid, Billy.

We're so close.

Four.

Not great, Billy.

Four.

The dragon is taken aback like a cat.

She rears back for a moment like, ooh, what are you doing?

Eyes widen.

And then in anger, her eyes narrow.

And she snaps at you to bite you.

I'm going to roll an attack.

I forgot that.

Oh, no.

She's attacking you.

See you next time. Like, ooh, what are you doing? Eyes widen.
And then in anger, her eyes narrow. And she snaps at you to bite you.
I'm going to roll an attack. I forgot that.
Oh, no. She's attacking you.
You didn't ask Billy. You got to respect Billy.
No dragon. Okay.
Preserter Billy, can I ask what is armor class, please? So I'm looking at your sheet as well. Ooh, I'm happy to say your armor class is 18.
You are very hard to hit because you are a Goliath with rocky skin

and because you are a powerful war

cleric. You wear chain mail.

She slams her teeth

around your body,

but the teeth do not pierce

your chain mail. She bites

you once, twice, and grinds

her teeth a little bit and then release and then

picks you up and spits you out a little bit.

You hit the ground, but you land

on your feet and you've still got your weapon at the ready. She didn't injure you at all, but know that that was a close one.
She definitely doesn't think you're cute, though. You're an idiot.
Tell the dragon make it run. Is it my turn? Now, hold on one second.
That initial of that second persuasion check was to see how she liked the kiss but with the initial 17 she looks down at you and she says you little creature how dare you and i'll give you a chance what do you say to her i'd be like i just i just want i just want to grant you freedom in a life free from servitude do you just assume that like every woman that you run into is dominated by somebody else and you can free them? Billy basically just walked up and was like, hey, is this guy bothering you? To me. It's like, he's a jerk.
Can I buy your drink? Billy literally commanded this dragon to come over with a beam of light and he's like, hey, can I free you from whoever made you come here? Yeah, dude, let's just try to heal the dragon so that we can ride around on the dragon. But, Billy, come on.
So she just, the dragon bit you because you tried to kiss it. It doesn't want your advances.
But she's playing hard to get. No, Billy, she tried to kill you.
Dude, no means no. All right.
So what do you do? The dragon will at least respond with a 17 to what you're saying and she says this i will have you know that i only serve the beings who may command me the gods themselves tiamat the dragon queen is the one whom i serve and no other and you are a cleric go ahead and make a religion check to see what you know about Tiamat the Dragon Queen and that is a plus two that you have on the check okay here we go what do we got 16 nice billy with an 18 total you do know Tiamat the Dragon Queen is said to be the goddess of all evil dragons. She's supposed to be a huge five-headed dragon, and she's the one being who could probably convince an adult dragon to work for her.
Okay, so it's a bad dragon. We've established that this dragon, although embarrassed, actually has bad motives.
Yeah, all right. So is it my turn? Absolutely.
It would be Norm the Barbarian's turn now. This dragon is looking around, and she looks angry, and she then is reaching down.
One town guardsman was trying to shoot an arrow in her, and she swipes, and she sends that town guardsman flying through the air off the

castle wall. He hits a rooftop

and bounces off and goes skipping through the

air and then she's looking around for what she's

going to do next. Okay.

I want to throw another fucking rock at this bitch.

Absolutely.

You can throw an athletics check

for sure. Yeah.
Let's fucking do it.

Other eye. And you get two rolls

on this. Okay.
Here we go. 17.
Let's go. Oh.
With a plus five, you know that 22 is once again, she's like watching the town guardsman fly through the air. And as she's about to say, this whole castle is about to, and she gets hit in the face again with the rock.
She turns to look at the barbarian and she goes, how dare you? Her wings start to flap barbarian. I want you to make a strength check right now.
You're going to roll and add, actually, you have a plus five on strength saving throws. Go ahead and roll with a plus five to see how you do against this.
14. Not let me check out 14 is going to be very close to what you needed but right now barbarian you're getting thrown back a little bit by the wings and the flapping and he's going to be dealing she would be dealing six damage to you with the force of the wings flapping you back.
You're crashing into some other people, but because you are raging, you only take half damage. Three points of damage you're taking, but she got her vengeance against you, but you can tell this for sure now.
You know what? Go ahead and roll another insight check against her, same as you did last time. Five.
Damn it. Five it five this time well you could tell that she was annoyed by the rocks being thrown at her and the guiding bolt she had gotten earlier she's more annoyed now but you don't know how annoyed exactly okay but has she taken how much damage has she taken or is she just pissed At this point, she doesn't look like she's getting injured.

She's just getting pissed off, but it's definitely progressively more pissed off.

You can tell that.

So we should throw a rock at her, too.

I could hit her with a rock.

How's my rock-throwing skills?

Your rock-throwing skills are not particularly great,

but you also have, yeah, you have weighing a plus zero on rock-throwing.

I don't know. skills are not particularly great, but you also have, yeah, you have weighing a plus zero on rock throwing.
But you have a crossbow. You could try to crossbow.
I could crossbow her. Also, it has hand as one of my weapons, right? My hand is pretty good.
Can I just bitch slap her? Just walk up like open hand slap as hard as I fucking can. You could run up and you could, while her head is getting a little bit low dodging arrows into tacks, you could try to smack her in the face potentially.
Yeah, I just want to slap the shit out of her. Yes.
Absolutely. An unarmed strike for you looks like it would only be a plus two.
You could give that a try. Alright, let's go PFT.
I feel good. Let's take this dragon down with rocks and slaps.
Do I get one roll? You can make one roll and you add a plus two. No whammy.
Eleven. Eleven.
Not bad. Eleven.
Thirteen. You run up and you're kind of like the dragon's head gets slow for a moment.
You grab onto one of her scales and you pull up and you go to smack her and you just smack her. It's's like slapping the side of a car You're just hitting this scale and then her eye flickers to you and then she shakes her head And I would like you to make a dexterity saving throw actually as you go hurtling through the air You're trying to land safely without getting hurt.
All right, like a cat come on 17 17 on de 17 on dexterity. Nice.
With your dexterity bonus, you land just fine and take no damage. Yeah, but I sent a powerful message to her, which is I'm not afraid to do something stupid.
Right. Absolutely, for sure.
I thought that rock hurt. It was a slap.
And you are welcome to make your own insight check against this dragon. I would love to.
I would love to have an insight check. So I just rolled a five.
I just checked in. I'm sorry for suggesting it because you had a minus one anyway.
You got a four total. It's a dragon.
You know that much for sure. Okay.
Confirmed it's a dragon. All right.
So we're going to do Ehrlich and Billy's turns, and then we'll end there. So you guys got to do something.
We got to do something. Do you want to just throw a rock at it?

Step on her foot. Just keep attacking.

Is there like a stone-cold stunner?

Is there any other move besides?

What can Ehrlich do?

Tripper.

You could do an Eldritch Blast.

You were all very persuasive, and you could try talking to her the same way the cleric did,

the war priest did.

You could also do your burning hand spell and really shower with fire. Okay.
All right. What you going to do, Hank? Blast.
Blastoids. Blast.
Let's go blast! Great choice. Now, I realized something I had forgotten, Hank.
I didn't give you your advantage for the Guiding Bolt last time, and I owe you that. So this time, I'm giving you the Guiding Bolt bonus.
Roll two times and take the higher the attack goes. One.
Oh, not great. Hold on.
What was that, Hank? Dice on the floor. Dice on the floor.
Hank, what does that mean? Dice on the floor. I never count you.
Oh, roll again. Nineteen! Yes! Let's go! Your Eldritch Blast flies through the air as As the dragon turns, it is letting out a roar, saying, this village is going to...
And it goes right into her mouth, your Eldritch Blast. She swallows it, and she's coughing, and smoke is coming out of her mouth.
And then she hacks like a cat and says, I am this close to just... and i will let you make an insight check to to see what you think she was going to say uh hank if you want to roll insight you have a plus um let's see your bonus for erlich is a plus zero on this but go ahead and roll insight just just one roll.
Just one roll. Seven.
Shit. Seven? You don't know exactly what

you're doing. is a plus zero on this, but go ahead and roll Insight.
Just one roll. Just one roll.
Seven. Shit.
Seven? Yep. You don't know exactly what she was going to say, but for some reason, she was afraid to say it.
And I will tell you this, lots of cultists have started to gather around the castle. You would think she wasn't willing to say it because the other cultists would have overheard.
She's saying in the common tongue And then dragon seems like it's it's not trying to fight. Yeah, I just want this Wait, do you think there's a chance that she was like man if they throw any more rocks? I'm fucked It was something along those lines you think and you know I'll let you start your turn with your own insight check to see if you know what she would have said Do not try to fuck this dragon I want to ride it Don't jump on his back Like rodeo We gotta get rid of this dragon We better just ride the dragon Dude, we're all trying to beat the dragon and you're trying to fuck it and it's not working Here we go, insight check Did this be a plus four? 18 With a 22, you know exactly what she was going to say.
She didn't want to say it because her friends are nearby, but she was going to say, if this keeps happening, I am just going to leave this village and let the cultists handle this themselves. Yes! But she didn't want to say that in front of them.
She knew it would have broken their morass if she couldn't fly away. What would you like to do, Berserker Billy?

I would like to do a mounted

assault and jump on its back

and try to either break it or kill it.

I would have mounted

jump on its back.

Smell its hair.

Be my steed.

I'm going to beat you up.

I want to ride the dragon.

Then I will let you first make an athletics check to jump onto this dragon's back. That's really the exact turn that he did last time.
He's just backdooring us. I just want to kiss it.
13. 13.
13 plus 4, 17. That is just barely enough.
You want to be on this dragon's back? Do you want to be on its head or on its back? I'm I'm like I'm on its head like if it has horns on me grabbing it by the horns So if you look at this image in my background this dragon has one big a horn Do you want to be holding on to that? No, because if it's gonna shake me with shake its head you could ride it. It's maybe a little safer further back.
I want the best position of control on this dragon. Billy wants it.
More close to the back of the dragon. The ears that you're holding on to.
Now, I'll let you roll with advantage a persuasion check. You have a plus three on this.
You roll two times and take the higher number see how much of a hold uh how much this dragon's listening to you right here we go here's the first out of here first roll seven let's do the second roll 20 20 the dragon's my bitch yeah billy and two things happen first of all you said you were trying to fly this dragon away from here, right? That was your main objective. Somewhere he can go with it and have some private knowledge.
He wants to take it to like an hourly rate hotel. He wants to be like, hey, babe, you want to get out of here? The dragon is letting out a roar.
Forget this village. I hate this village.
She takes off into the air and all the cultists are like, yeah, Lenathon. And then they see her with you on her head, fly away from the village.
And they're like, oh no, what's going on? And then, and this will be the cliffhanger, as your flying wave landed on,

she shakes her head left, she shakes her head right,

and then finally she says,

all right, little rock man,

let's talk, you and I.

What do you want?

Oh, yeah.

She went to it.

Never give up, Billy.

Never give up.

With a critical hit, you think this dragon

is willing to maybe become friends with you.

Let's go. Never give up, Billy.
Never give up. With a critical hit, you think this dragon is willing to maybe become friends with you.
Yes! Billy! Dude, I'm so happy I told you to do that all along. So we'll catch up tomorrow morning at brunch with Billy.
Just dish about how your night was. Billy's like, last night was a movie.
All right, well, Tim, another fantastic session. Just a little heads up.
Yeah, we're going to have Tim on for the week before July 4th. So we're going to miss two weeks from now, but we're going to do an extra long one the week before July 4th.
So that's going to be an hour-long Dungeons & Dragons session. This was fantastic.
Can I play Let's Get It On on my bagpipe as Billy and the Dragons fly off in the sunset? Thank you as always, Tim. We really appreciate it, and we'll talk to you soon.
Absolutely. say it anyway.
Today is another day to find you. Shining away.
I'll be coming for your love again. Shining away.
I'll be coming for your love again. We let's say.
All set is about me. Someone will let her wait.
Slowly learn if life is okay. Say up to me.
Say up to me. Say up to me.
Say up to me. Say up to me.
It's no better to be safe than stopping. Take me on me.
Take me on me. Take me on me.
Take me on me. Take me on me Drink on me

Drink on me

Drink on me Thank you. Shying away I'll be coming for you anyway Take on me Take on me Take me on.
Take me on

Take me on