Dog The Bounty Hunter, Zion's Debut, Eli Retiring, And Listener Roasts

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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Speaker 1 Today's part in my take: we have recurring guest dog the bounty hunter back in the studio. He actually loved us so much.
He was in New York and he was like, I gotta go see my guys.

Speaker 1 So, we're bounty hunters now, PFT. Oh, yeah.
We are bounty hunters. And we're bounty hunting the second season of his show right now.
Right. So, we're going to get that going.
We have some Zion talk.

Speaker 1 We have some Eli Manning talk, PFT XFL update, some Fire Fest,

Speaker 1 and our good friend Uncle Chap's on for Roast. We have a packed, packed Friday show to get you ready for Super Bowl week.

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Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 Now in the streets, there is violence.

Speaker 1 And then a lot of solid work to be done.

Speaker 1 Looks behind a low washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can babe all on the sun.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, we're gonna run down to Electric Avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna run down to Electric Avenue. of my tape, I met you by BarStool Sports.

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Today is Friday, January 24th. Almost birthday week.

Speaker 1 Almost birthday week. And Zion is a bust.

Speaker 1 Wait. Parentheses.
Wait. I went to sleep at halftime.
I could tell that you did. Of course I did.
Because I know that you would have been in that content game for the second half. Dude, he was fat.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 He walked on the court, and Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson, especially, started treating him like he was Lizzo.

Speaker 1 They were playing the Jillian Michaels

Speaker 1 to his Lizzo, and it was getting ugly. And it was like, he's not that fat.
Yeah, I know he's the third heaviest player in the NBA, but you know what?

Speaker 1 He's muscly.

Speaker 1 I truly believe, you know, some people when they say, I've got big bones, I'm like, yeah, okay, go try to float in water. We'll see how dense you are.
Zion Williamson, he has big bones.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he has big bones. I've said it before.
He is not fat, but he's always a bad weekend away from being fat. A bachelor party, going on a trip,

Speaker 1 maybe a trip to New Orleans. Yeah, you trip to New Orleans, a little too much, you know, drinking, a little late-night pizza.

Speaker 1 Then you come into work on Monday, and everyone looks at you like you got stung by a bunch of bees, and they're like, whoa. And you're like, what? What's the deal?

Speaker 1 Oh, you had fun last weekend, and you know what they're saying. You're fat.
So he's not fat, but he's a weekend away from being fat.

Speaker 1 And I think this three months off was that weekend where he might have, he was just looking larger. I also think it's weird.
He has like a weird gait that makes him look bigger. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like he's he, the way he runs. He looks big.
Yeah, he, right. It is like lumbering steps.
But with that said, he was electric.

Speaker 1 He had that 17 points in three minutes, which is exactly what, you know, you're buying if you're a Pelicans fan. He also had those four threes were hilarious.
They were pure.

Speaker 1 They were the quintessential, like,

Speaker 1 I get those same threes. I miss them, but those are the, let me see you make one three and pick up basketball, except they did it four times in a row.
There was no one even close to it.

Speaker 1 Lightning can't strike five times. It's great.
I love those threes. They're like, go ahead, try.
Go ahead, take that. I'll give you that.
I'll give you that.

Speaker 1 I mean, we have to ask, like, this is Coach Kay's fault for not using his three-point game in college, right? It was Duke's year until he hit it.

Speaker 1 He hit two threes in college.

Speaker 1 Is that right? No, he hit more than that.

Speaker 1 You only hit two? I think three.

Speaker 1 I thought he shot more than three. No, he was not a chucker.
And now he's wet. He's hitting, what, 100% of his three-point shots right now?

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's exactly 100%, but he hit four and a row.

Speaker 1 Huge indictment on Coach K as an X's and O's guy. That's another feather in the cap of old Roy Williams.
He would never screw up as prospects. Die because his team's so bad.

Speaker 1 I mean, we could get into the stats if you want to. I did look up some stats about Roy Williams and how dominant he's been over Duke and Coach K since he's been at UNC.
Would you like to discuss?

Speaker 1 No, I don't. Because you know that I'm coming prepared.
No, I just don't. I don't care enough.
I've got smoke. I don't even care.
It's also not relevant to this conversation.

Speaker 1 We're talking about the New Orleans Pelicans and not North Carolina, who's in dead last place.

Speaker 1 Thanks for stepping in to defend Duke Hank. No, I don't even like Coach K, so I don't care.
I'm just trying to keep this ship on board. Thanks, Hank.

Speaker 1 Zion definitely made more than two threes in college. If my computer worked, I would tell you.

Speaker 1 I also went to sleep at halftime, but I'm pretty sure I woke up and saw a stat that was like, Zion Williamson hit four threes last night. That's one more than he hit all last year.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe that is. And also more than Ben Simmons.
More than Ben Simmons. That's another good take that people have.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 he looks

Speaker 1 wrong, though. That four-minute span.
That could be wrong, though. When he was in the game, it was like, this is exactly what I want out of Zion right now.
Right now, Zion is must-watch television.

Speaker 1 He's not like a top three player in the NBA yet, but he's so electric that when he's on TV, I want to tune in and watch him. And disease on the side of his head is swaggy as fuck.
Oh, Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
He had

Speaker 1 24 made threes in college.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know what you... Zion? Yeah.
What are you guys talking about? He shot threes all the time. He shot two threes a game.
I don't know about all that. He had 71 attempts.

Speaker 1 Hank and I both heard.

Speaker 1 Maybe. What's going on here? Maybe it was.

Speaker 1 I remember watching Duke all the time and being like, that's a weird shot. Maybe it was threes in the game.
He would shoot line drives at the yeah, two threes a game.

Speaker 1 he'd shoot line drives at the rim and and they would go in every now and then and that's why i said if two threes in a game was his most ado

Speaker 1 yeah exactly yeah he definitely shot two i knew that it could probably have been wrong yeah right you did admit that off the top but either way zion is going to be electric it's fun like there's nothing like having a guy like zion come into the league and be like oof this is going to be awesome and i mean john morant is

Speaker 1 John Morant is the running of the year and he's also incredible. Is John Morant sweating though? Is he looking over his shoulder at Zion? John Morant is so fucking awesome.

Speaker 1 And you were saying that you... Oh, no, Hank, you were saying that John Morant and Zion were on the same AAU team, and there's a third guy.
Yeah, he was on the J.J.

Speaker 1 Reddick podcast, and they asked him, they're like, oh, you guys were on the same AAU team.

Speaker 1 Who was the number one guy? And they were like, actually, it was neither of us. And the kid now is just...

Speaker 1 The kid now is just like a player at South Carolina. He's just a regular

Speaker 1 guy. A regular D1 athlete.
That sucks. But yeah, the moral of last night is don't fall asleep ever.
Yeah. Never go to sleep.
Never go to sleep.

Speaker 1 Because you might see Zion do something in the middle of January.

Speaker 1 Mark Jackson was hilarious, too, though. Like the breaking news, he needs to lose weight.
Well, they also said that he put on eight pounds of muscle in a week, which is just impossible. Impossible.

Speaker 1 No, in a day. In a day,

Speaker 1 eight pounds of muscle in a week. But LeBron loses in a game.

Speaker 1 No, no, he gains. Yeah, he gains muscle while

Speaker 1 he's busy. Yeah, they were saying that he put that on in, I guess, in a day, which you can't.
Barry Bonds did it. I'll give it up to him.
But yeah, you can't put on that much weight.

Speaker 1 At 285 pounds, he's the third heaviest guy in the NBA. Yeah.
And the jokes were happening. But if he's good, and I think he will be good, it doesn't really matter.

Speaker 1 What's funny is that Booker McFarland weighs less than Zion Williamson does. And they look identical.
Yeah, so he lost. He was at 285 right now.

Speaker 1 When he came into the league, I don't think he was that heavy.

Speaker 1 But we're going to start to get some takes coming out pretty soon where every time you mention Zion's weight, it's going to do the thing that we do with Kevin Durant's height where it keeps getting bigger.

Speaker 1 So people will start saying, oh, he's 290 pounds. Oh, he's 295.
Oh, we're going to creep up into Zion Williamson's 300 pounds territory.

Speaker 1 He also is, Zion is like the perfect guy for if you're not in the Zion camp, if you're the Zion is actually a bust. I obviously was joking at the top of the show because I believe in Zion.

Speaker 1 But if you are in that camp, you basically can hold steady for his entire career. Similar to Lamar Jackson, you'd be like, but with that weight, he could get hurt.

Speaker 1 Like, he can't maintain a full career. They're teaching him how to walk different, though, big cat.
They've got him watching Monty Python non-stop to figure out interesting ways to not

Speaker 1 put body weight on his knees and ankles.

Speaker 1 He walks with

Speaker 1 a natural limp. They should just give him a cane.
How cool would that be? That would be cool. Give him like a cane with a dagger that comes out of the top of it.

Speaker 1 All right, other news: Eli Manning retired, is retiring. His press conference is today.

Speaker 1 It's sad to see him go. I think we all kind of expected this.

Speaker 1 He is a Hall of Famer.

Speaker 1 He is. He is.
I actually think for Eli Manning, we always say there's no Hall of Very good. People forget that.
There's no Hall of Very good. They should make a Hall of Very Good.
Just for him?

Speaker 1 Just for, well, not for him, but off the top of my head, it's like Eli Romo, Carson Palmer, Aaron Rodgers, Jay Cutler.

Speaker 1 These are all people that are not great quarterbacks, but were very good for a long time.

Speaker 1 My question to you, PFT, and he is a Hall of Famer, but there's people who will nitpick and be like, he was never, and I agree with this

Speaker 1 statement. He was never one of the top three quarterbacks in the NFL for a single season.
Right. For a period of time, he was never that.
He was always consistent.

Speaker 1 His start streak was crazy. Never got injured.
All that stuff. Well, no, no, no.
He definitely got injured many, many times. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 But that's actually a knock against Eli is how many games in a row he started in a way because he should have sat out at least two half seasons along the way when his shoulder looked like it got run over by a lawnmower and he had like all sorts of rotator cuff issues.

Speaker 1 He's like, no, I'm going to keep playing because these are my guys. I'm tough.
I'm going to gut it out. And he actually went out there and didn't play well.

Speaker 1 But that's what you're going to get with Eli. Now, my question to you is:

Speaker 1 Does Eli have a different? Is his legacy seen differently? And is he a surefire Hall of Famer if he beats teams not named the Patriots in the Super Bowl? No.

Speaker 1 Because that is really when you boil down what Eli is, consistent, you know, tough. Throughout the years, he was good, not great.

Speaker 1 And then he had two moments where he beat the best coach and the best quarterback in the NFL history.

Speaker 1 And also, I don't know why you guys have to bring the Patriots into every conversation. Because that's part of Eli's legacy.

Speaker 1 He's a great quarterback. Why don't you talk about something else other than the Patriots? That has a legacy.
And you have a conversation about NFL without Hanks.

Speaker 1 I love Hank taking the horse in this show and just redirecting

Speaker 1 a coach on his teams. Hank, no, I'm not a coacher.
I'm just like. This is a good thing.

Speaker 1 This This is actually a good thing for the Patriots, saying that Eli Manning is elevated from being a very good quarterback to a Hall of Fame quarterback because the teams that he beat were so great.

Speaker 1 Right. They were all-time teams.
If he beat the Steelers and the Broncos in the Super Bowl, I just don't think it's not the same. Yeah.
Or if you beat the Ravens.

Speaker 1 I actually think it would be the same. No, I don't.
I think beating the underfunded. Championships is more than Peyton, more than Aaron Rodgers.

Speaker 1 That's a lot. But it's not more than Peyton.
Peyton won't be able to do it. Oh, yeah.
Well, the Broncos didn't really count.

Speaker 1 but that's an asterisk per hank but beating the best quarterback and the best coach in NFL history in the dynasty that's lasted two decades matters two dynasties but yeah two dynasties that's right it was a double dynasty also he actually was the divider of the two cracks yep correct he beat aaron hernandez he defeated aaron hernandez and danny woodhead right the best football player of all time your hair yeah i would have i would have cut my hair i would be sure

Speaker 1 i would look like a little drill instructor right now um all right so that's eli Sad to see him go just because he's always funny.

Speaker 1 No Manning's in the NFL for at least the next, I don't know, 10 years?

Speaker 1 Arch is, I think, a freshman. So he's 14 or 15.
So he'll be in the NFL in like seven years.

Speaker 1 Yeah, probably. Seven, eight years.
What do you think Eli is going to do?

Speaker 1 Some people said maybe he'll go into the booth. I don't see that.
No, I actually think, in a weird way, Eli is going to be like the world's greatest

Speaker 1 suburban dad. Yeah.
Can't you just see it? Can't you see him being like a great assistant coach for his kids' soccer team?

Speaker 1 He's going to chaperone a lot of field trips. Yeah.
He'll probably get lost, like left behind in certain rooms of the museum that he finds very interesting as the whole class moves on.

Speaker 1 He's not like Peyton. He doesn't need the spotlight.
He doesn't need to do these weird ESPN Plus shows. I think he actually will kind of fade into Blivion in a good way.

Speaker 1 He spends all the time with his train sets. Yeah.
He gets really into dinosaurs. He's got bacala and fossils.

Speaker 1 I could see Eli sitting in his basement getting into model trains for sure. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 I could also see Eli. Here's a sneaky one.
He might be the one that gets into coaching. Ooh.
He might become like a quarterback guy.

Speaker 1 He loves it so much.

Speaker 1 I'd have to look into it, but I feel like there's a certain amount of money you make where coaching is just never even a possibility anymore because you'd have to work really hard and you already have.

Speaker 1 Like Eli, Eli made more money than Peyton. Which is crazy.
Not in endorsements, though. No, no, but in contracts, I think he was the highest paid quarterback of all time.
Well, they're one and two.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So I think it was Eli number one.
So I think once you get to a certain level of money, you're like, why would I sit in and

Speaker 1 avoid my family and work 16 hour days? That makes no sense.

Speaker 1 I can see Eli's spending a lot of time in the kitchen trying out weird new recipes he saw on Food Network that day, getting into barefoot contesta, and his wife comes home and she's like, Eli, you've absolutely fucked up the house again.

Speaker 1 There's smoke in every single room. I need you out.
And he's like, okay, I'll go be quarterback coach at Duke. No, I feel like Eli is going to be a great stay-at-home dad.

Speaker 1 And like every day all the kids come over and he spends the entire afternoon like throwing them in the pool.

Speaker 1 Every single day for four hours, Eli is just throwing kids in a pool. And it's beautiful.

Speaker 1 All right. Other news before we get to our interview with Dog the Bounty Hunter.
PFT? Yes. Would you like to tell the world? Yeah, so we released the video earlier today.

Speaker 1 The conclusion of my XFL tryout happened last night. I got a call from Coach Pep Hamilton, head coach of the DC Defenders.
Delivered the news. Unfortunately, I did not make the team.

Speaker 1 Now, I can spin zone this. Wait, I have a spin zone for you.
Okay, go ahead. Do you want it? Go ahead.
I have.

Speaker 1 Do you remember the movie 10 Things I Hate About You? Yes. I have 10 Things I Love About PFT.
Okay. So I wrote some stuff down.
All right, hit me. I have a spin zone for you.
I'm going to pick you up.

Speaker 1 I'm sure they're all going to be really, really nice things. Well, they are.
They're all really nice. Yes.
10 Things I Love About PFT to help him get over the fact he didn't make the XFL.

Speaker 1 I do have low T right now. Okay.
Number one,

Speaker 1 you

Speaker 1 walk a lot taller than 5'7 ⁇ .

Speaker 1 I've always told you that. That's true.
You walk a lot taller than 5'7. You're a big walker and 5'9.
And you tower over today's guest, Dog the Bounty Hunter. That's true.
That was really nice.

Speaker 1 Number two,

Speaker 1 ever since you stopped dying your facial hair, I don't think it's been that gross. Thank you.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Number three, You're exceptionally talented, and you said that you've dunked once so many times that I actually kind of believe believe it. It happened.
There you go. Your body gets in the business.

Speaker 1 There you go. You've said it so many times that I actually do believe.
You got to tell the big lie. Like, I am like, oh, yeah, PFT's dunked.

Speaker 1 That's how I'll know that it's real. When you tell somebody else when I'm not around.
Like, you see that guy over there? Yeah. He's dunked.

Speaker 1 Number four, I'm not mad at you anymore for the dip spit you left in the studio. All right.
Number five, you said sorry to Hank, and that was a really big moment. It was.

Speaker 1 Number six, you basically brought an entire football position out of extinction, the fullback. That's basically just all you.
Well, that's us. No, but that's in large part you.
You too.

Speaker 1 You spearheaded that, and that's exceptional.

Speaker 1 Number seven, the pick of you in your pads when you were trying out was sweet. We'll get that framed.
That's a frame-worthy. Sweet ass picture.
Number eight,

Speaker 1 you make

Speaker 1 a million people laugh, and myself, and Hank, and Bubba, you make us laugh every single day, and your dog is a legit newshound. Thank you.
That's great. Three times a week.
Three times a week.

Speaker 1 Three Three times a week.

Speaker 1 You make me laugh every day. Every day.
You make me laugh every day. Also on the radio.
You make me laugh every day. Number nine, I actually didn't write down a number nine.

Speaker 1 For the compliment to Leroy, too. Yeah.
Number nine, I didn't write down a number nine. So that's my bad.
That's fine. Number nine is 10.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I forgot that.

Speaker 1 Number 10, as much as I don't care and I am ready, I don't care about this, but I am ready to say to you, I do actually think it's the caps year.

Speaker 1 All right. I'll take the 10 things

Speaker 1 I love about PFT. So, in summation, if the XFL can't handle you at pissing your pants and making dick jokes every day, they don't deserve you at number one podcast and cultural icon.
Thank you, man.

Speaker 1 That means a lot to me. Type 9 was, you haven't made a lot of Hitler jokes recently, and I've noticed.
And you've made more than me. There you go.
So, that's number nine. That's great.
That's awesome.

Speaker 1 I feel like Heath Ledger. 10 things I love about PFT.
There it is. So you're good, dude.
Yeah. I mean, what a role model.
I love it. Thank you, Big Cat.
That did make me feel a little bit better.

Speaker 1 Still a little down in the dumps.

Speaker 1 Anytime you get bad news like that, you're going to feel bad a little bit. Yeah, a little bit.
You're going to be crushed if you have expectations and you tried hard and you worked hard at something.

Speaker 1 But I learned something from that, which is it kind of feels good to get crushed over something that you care about.

Speaker 1 There's a little bit of it where it's like, it's better to try something and then have something that you care about taken away than to have never cared about it to begin with.

Speaker 1 Because I could have done the thing when we got down onto the field at the tryout.

Speaker 1 The very first thing I said when we got on the grass is it's not too late to fake an injury i should probably just quit right now and i won't have to do it uh but i did it and did it i went four for six hit both my long kicks i i think i did okay at the tryout and you know what i'd put some film out there i have been in touch with the xfl it sounds like they're offering me a practice squad position fuck them so i don't i don't know i don't know what's going on

Speaker 1 don't settle for it i don't know what's going to happen either they put you on an active roster you say fuck them they've also offered me to be honorary captain for the D.C. Defenders opening game.

Speaker 1 So I might do that because it would come along with perhaps being Pep Hamilton's holdback guy on the sideline. Fuck them.

Speaker 3 So we'll see.

Speaker 1 Fuck them. We'll see.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm going to do?

Speaker 1 I'm going to stay ready, though, because I put so much good film out there that I have a feeling I'll be getting calls, if not from other XFL teams, might not even clear waivers, as a matter of fact.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say fuck them. I might get some NFL calls.
I'm just putting that out there.

Speaker 1 What if I get invited to a training camp this summer for an NFL team? It'd be great. I'll go with you.
It'll be great.

Speaker 1 Training camp tour, we can. You're gonna have to go on a tour.
I'm gonna get my leg back up to 50 yards. I'm gonna keep working out.
I'm gonna keep practicing. HCH.
Keep at it. Not doing steroids.

Speaker 1 No, you should. Oh, wait.
The busting with the boys guys were here yesterday. Yeah, yeah.
Did they leave anything behind? Probably. I'll check the bathroom.
Yeah. Yeah.
So.

Speaker 1 I think Taylor had a dip spit, so it's like, you just drink that. Okay.
I'm going to try to get my leg up to 50 yards. I feel good.
I beat out Chad Ocho Cenko. Ocho Stinko got his ass kicked by.

Speaker 1 He didn't try. He was a coward.
Well, because he saw me. Right.
And he's like, fuck, I can't beat that guy. Either way, you're an MVP in our eyes.
So you made our team. Thank you.
I appreciate that.

Speaker 1 We needed a kicker. We should start.
Hall of Fame of my book. Hallelujah.

Speaker 1 That's my

Speaker 1 verbal meme. That's my kicker.
T.O. crying.
Meme from the video, PFT was so nervous that he walked by Cardell and goes, that's my quarterback. Tony Romo voice.
That's my quarterback.

Speaker 1 Cardell's not here to play school. Nope.
All right. Before we get to Tony.
Wait, do I have any college eligibility left? Sure. If I never played.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure. You can have some of mine, too.
I can steal your identity. I can play for like 12 more years.

Speaker 1 All right, if there's a D1 college out there that wants to offer me a spot, I'll do some online classes

Speaker 1 and I'll play. Absolutely.
Yeah, you can be a grad transfer. Yeah, exactly.
You know what? Really grad.

Speaker 1 Alabama could do a lot worse. Dude, I'm a better kicker than Alabama.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Sabin would have another chip if he had you as a kicker. That's a fact.

Speaker 1 Because when you kicked the run back, it wouldn't have reached the end zone. So it would have fallen to the ground.
Right, it would have been. And it would have been downed

Speaker 1 at 15. It would have been fine.

Speaker 1 History would look totally different. Yep.
Man, man, come on. Also, if he had me running as a lead blocker,

Speaker 1 all the time I've spent observing fullbacks, I could have taken at least one 300-pound guy out. Without a doubt.
Without a doubt. Okay, before we get to Dog the Bounty Hunter.

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Speaker 1 More. They need to move the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii.
I agree. It is not nearly as special.
I need to see them with lathe and all that stuff.

Speaker 1 Although, the one thing I do like about Orlando, whenever they go down there, aside from the rain that happens every single year, is I just know that it's so close to medieval times, which is my favorite non-Davin Busters

Speaker 1 evening of entertainment and dinner. I fucking love the medieval times in Kissing Me, Florida.
Yes. It is so great.
The Green Knight for Life, he always punishes. Oh, the Green Knights.
Oh, fucking.

Speaker 1 How far away from Miami is Orlando? Like three hours. We should go to Medieval Times.
Okay. While we're down there for the Super Bowl.
Probably not, but okay. I might go.
To Orlando.

Speaker 1 I might take a day trip to go to medieval times. That's how much I love it.

Speaker 1 You're going to go to Orlando.

Speaker 1 It's the equivalent of modern opera. Okay.
Yeah. All right.
We'll put it on the list. Okay.

Speaker 1 It sounds like a no. Well,

Speaker 1 we have a, usually have a very busy schedule Super Bowl week. But we could take a whole day out and go to Orlando for fake nights.

Speaker 1 Which one of the guests that we might be interviewing do you think we could kidnap and take to Orlando? Gardner Minshew. 100%.
Let's see if Gardner wants to go to Klan.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he'll compete. Yeah.
Fuck yeah.

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Speaker 1 Okay, here he is, Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome back on recurring guest, Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Speaker 3 What's up, my brothers? Welcome back.

Speaker 1 What's up, my brother? Aloha. How's it going?

Speaker 3 Yeah, good aloha. It's like five degrees here in New York.

Speaker 1 It is cold as hell.

Speaker 1 The gloves.

Speaker 1 We have to start with the gloves. You walked in with the gloves.
They look like badass gloves. What's going on with the gloves?

Speaker 3 Well, they cushioned so that it helps.

Speaker 1 On your knuckles? Yes. So you can beat the fuck out of some ice head.
The first thing he did to me when he came up to me, gave me a high five and then punched me in my stomach.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you what, the glove padding did not do that much.

Speaker 1 All right, so dog, you're back on.

Speaker 3 Yes, sir.

Speaker 1 Brother, brother.

Speaker 1 It feels good to have you back on. It feels like you're maybe also in a little bit better spirits.
We're going to get your show the second season. We've got to get it back going.
Thanks.

Speaker 1 So it has not been officially approved yet, right? Correct. All right.
So we got, who do we have to muscle?

Speaker 1 who is on WG? WGF. Okay, we'll muscle people.
Tag WG in and say, I want my dog. Like, we need our dog, the bounty hunter.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Now, just because the show's not on, you're still bounty hunting, right?

Speaker 3 Oh, yes. We have to eat.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So, what do you got going on right now? Like, what do you, any big ones that we're doing? The same guy.

Speaker 3 The one guy we've kind of located in an area of California, maybe and maybe not, back and forth to Mexico. So the same lawhead.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
Gotcha. So he's going maybe back and forth, like Tijuana, San Diego, that area? Yeah, correct.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I have noticed, I'm glad Big Cap brought up the gloves because I've noticed that on your show, a lot of people wear gloves. It's like an everyday, all-day thing.
Right.

Speaker 1 Where you, you, it's either like the fingerless gloves that are usually leather, some strap. What is the purpose of all wearing gloves? Well, it's protection.

Speaker 3 You know, number one, it's like wearing shoes instead of barefooted. So it's protection, and we don't want to leave fingerprints.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 he's smart. That is point protection.

Speaker 1 I just had a. Now, follow me along here.
This might be crazy, but I feel like I just had a genius idea.

Speaker 1 You were mentioning before we started that in Colorado, when you're in the airport, people came up to you and like, hey, dog, loved John, pardon my take. And all these people were listening.

Speaker 1 What if we had you on like every month when you had a big bounty hunt and we just gave misinformation?

Speaker 3 I think that would be a good idea. What happened? I left here, New York.
Yeah. Went to Colorado, was standing in the luggage area getting luggage.

Speaker 3 And the people that came up to me, it's more than Saturday Night Live or more than Good Morning America. They're like, dog, we saw you.
That's our favorite show. You saw me.

Speaker 3 I said, I thought it wasn't.

Speaker 1 We weren't recording.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So, so that's what we need to do.
Like, this guy who's in California. Like, we need to come on and be like, I got this guy.
He's located somewhere in Florida. We got him for sure.

Speaker 1 Really, you have him. He's in like New Mexico.
You got his pinpointed location. But you give him, send him off the scent so he feels safe.

Speaker 1 Comes out, maybe goes and gets like a sandwich for lunch, boom, dog swoops in, bear mace to the face, Ziploc, you're going to jail, brah.

Speaker 3 Well, California can use tasers and now pepperball guns. And, you know, I bought one the other day, and the police officer said, I'd rather be shot with a real bullet than one of these.

Speaker 1 Than a pepperball gun.

Speaker 3 So I said, look, I need two of them.

Speaker 1 What is a pepperball gun?

Speaker 3 It is a,

Speaker 3 what it sounds like, it's a gun, but it shoots out pepperballs that hit you as hard as a Mike Tyson punch.

Speaker 3 So the bruise looks like you've been shot with a 38 with a vest on. It leaves it like that.
It does not kill. It does not penetrate the skin, but it absolutely puts you on your knees.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 So that, you know, as we know, America is getting more violent, more guns, more this and that. So the last few shows we did, the choice vehicle was an ambulance.
I mean, they all left like that.

Speaker 3 Alive, but

Speaker 1 not really.

Speaker 1 But hang on, it had to be put back together a little bit. Right, I got you.

Speaker 1 Have you watched The Mandalorian yet? No. Okay, see, that's another tie-in that we could have.
It's about a bounty hunter. It's about an intergalactic bounty hunter.

Speaker 1 I haven't watched it either, but I'm told that's what it's about. It's got Baby Yoda.
I don't know if there's an opportunity for a crossover there.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Just having Baby Yoda ride along.

Speaker 3 What do you watch? I watch the show called Dogs Most Wanted.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 Season two coming soon.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 a lot of different shows. It's be surprised at what I do watch.
watch are you a sports fan yes football mostly yeah nice baseball somewhat basketball a little bit but football

Speaker 1 okay uh so i read the new york times article on you and it was great then i liked it i have to go to one part of it though and ask you about it dog squirted fake cheese onto a triscuit and ate it then lit another menthol marlborough and eyed a pickup truck creeping into the parking lot.

Speaker 1 It's not all love, he said. I'm tested once a week.
Guys looking to see how tough the dog is. That's what the taser is for.
All right, so we got to break this down. First, fake cheese on a triscuit.

Speaker 1 Is that the snack of choice for dogs?

Speaker 3 No, it is for when you're fishing for trout because you could use the cheese as bait. You know, those little cans that you shake and they squirt?

Speaker 3 I didn't know it was fake until I read the story.

Speaker 1 I thought it was real cheese. I mean, I think there's such a thing.

Speaker 1 You can sit down with the easy cheese, the sharp cheddar, and like a sleeve of rich crackers and just mow through the entire thing in a sitting. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's like the kids love it too. Dad, can I have one? You know, and you double it up.
But the trout also like the cheese on the worm because I used it for bait.

Speaker 3 He didn't tell, he didn't say, give away my secret bait.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's probably good for you then, that not every, not all the other fishermen know what you're doing.
Correct. The menthol Marlborough, I also saw this article.
You're down to two packs a day.

Speaker 3 A one-pack. One-pack.

Speaker 1 And I'm using

Speaker 3 the little tips that fit on them, the little plastic tip that goes on the end. Okay.

Speaker 1 So we're making progress there. Yes.

Speaker 3 I can feel it. You know, some days I I get stressed, smoke a little bit extra, but I can feel the

Speaker 3 difference in breathing and more wind and sleeping and everything. It affects everything.

Speaker 1 Good, good. And then the last thing,

Speaker 1 the taser that you walk around with, because people want to test how tough the dog is. How often does that happen?

Speaker 3 Probably once a month.

Speaker 3 The guy came up was kind of mouthy to us. And so I had to put an end to that real quick.
The guy that came up, we were fishing, and he's like, you know, you're a lot taller on TV.

Speaker 3 I don't know if you did it. I said, well, get out.

Speaker 1 Let's see, bro.

Speaker 1 He's trying.

Speaker 1 You might like it.

Speaker 1 Did he want to tangle with you? No, he's, no.

Speaker 3 But, you know, fishermen, they get... The mountain guys, mountain people get a little crazy.

Speaker 1 Crazy, yeah. The wildlings.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. The wild, wild west.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you do to relax besides fishing? Seems like you've...

Speaker 1 Your profession by nature is pretty stressful, right?

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 if you can't find the guy, it's the most, it's the greatest thing.

Speaker 3 Hemingway

Speaker 3 said that the greatest thing in the world is to hunt another human being and catch him. So that's the greatest feeling you could ever have.

Speaker 3 The stress is when you can't find him and you're waiting for a lead or something like that.

Speaker 1 So you told us last time you were on that everyone that you've ever hunted you've caught. And now this guy right now has been elusive for a while, right? Yes.
Yes.

Speaker 3 He's really good.

Speaker 1 Do you think he's going to break the streak?

Speaker 3 Never.

Speaker 3 Never. Never because there's too many, no, there's too many leads that he's he's a convicted ice head methamphetamine, so we can call him a drug user, dealer, scum.

Speaker 3 And with that drug, he's got to be on the run. He's got to be on the go.
Right. Now, if he changed his habits, you know, like became a

Speaker 3 maybe changed his sexual content and, you know, quit doing everything, went to church, joined, you know, Billy Graham's Association or something. He might be able to get away.

Speaker 1 So now he's just, he's smoking ice and he's fucking everything in sight. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 This guy should be pretty easy to catch. No, he's not easy to get.
He's a guy with his phone or walking around.

Speaker 3 Well, he's packing, you know, it's not that what he's got in his pocket. He's got two guns, as they say.
And he said this time, he's telling his mother he's going to get a life sentence.

Speaker 3 And who knows? He don't know. Right.
But he said, Mom, I'm not going back alive. She called me yesterday and said he's going to shoot it out, dog.

Speaker 3 And then he told his girlfriend, I had a bad dream where dogs surrounded my house. So that let out all the hotel rooms and all that.
So number one, he's paying rent somewhere.

Speaker 3 And this is what the meth heads do is they talk. Right.

Speaker 3 I think I might have told you in the Korean War, my father was in, well, the Koreans, when they captured RGIs, they used methamphetamine as a true serum. Interesting.
Because they just, you know,

Speaker 3 and in the old outlaw motorcycle clubs back in the 70s and 80s, they, if you did meth in the club, you're out because you are, it's a rat driver.

Speaker 1 Unreliable, yeah. It's a rat.
Okay. Have you, have you considered going to like various Walmarts and just hanging out late at night?

Speaker 1 Because I remember when I lived in a town that had a Walmart, it was just nothing but meth heads between the hours of like midnight.

Speaker 3 We don't mean that Walmart. We're sorry.

Speaker 1 Just walking off the wall. There goes our tapes at Walmart, right?

Speaker 3 No, it's no, because I've seen. So we've got to go in stealth, you know,

Speaker 3 get a lead, find him, and take him out.

Speaker 1 You mentioned Truth Serum.

Speaker 1 Are those WindCharms? No, I've. Oh, is that your phone? Your Wind Charms.
That's actually very relaxing. Yeah, that is relaxing.

Speaker 3 It's Apache.

Speaker 1 That's okay. You can take it.
You want to take it on air? No, that's good. Okay.
It's a tip. But it might be a tip.
It might be a text. Oh, it's a text.

Speaker 1 So, Truth Serum, I think we talked about this last time, but Truth Serum works?

Speaker 3 Well, yes, I forget the name of what it is, but it's sodium something. But that plus meth plus nicotine.

Speaker 3 Like what we were talking about was like if a guy, a baby's missing, okay, and you can't, you get the perp in the room and you go, where's the baby at? And I'm not talking,

Speaker 3 you know, well, here, take a shot of this.

Speaker 3 Or if you're spending $150,000 of the county's money to try a multiple murderer, you know, we don't know where the bodies are hitting with true serum for $69.50, you find out everything.

Speaker 3 So I think that's real justice.

Speaker 1 And we don't do it enough.

Speaker 3 We don't have truth serum. Because they're afraid.
Lawyers got to make money. The courts have to make money.
The prisons have to make money.

Speaker 3 Let's get down to the real nitty-gritty, hitting with that, and find out what's really going on.

Speaker 1 So it sounds like, and I don't know a lot about truth serum. True serum basically is when, like, you know, we're having a presidential race coming up.

Speaker 1 When they say prison reform, it's just true serum. Just more truth serum.
I thought you were going to say just inject both candidates with truth serum. No, we just.

Speaker 1 No, the prison reform seems like if you have truth serum, it pretty much clean up everything.

Speaker 3 Yes. Well, New York.

Speaker 1 I like that.

Speaker 3 New York, for instance, when the ball dropped, bail kind of went bad here. Remember, we were talking about that?

Speaker 3 And the first thing happened is the courts here, crazy, let

Speaker 3 the guy hit a bank three times with a, only got $1,000. A kind of bank robber only robs for $1,000.
Perfect crime.

Speaker 1 Yes. Don't touch the safe.
Just put you in the drawer. Exactly right.
Get out of there before they hit the alarm.

Speaker 3 Exactly. Three times, got in front of a judge.
Judge said, oh, poor guy here, you're just a misunderstood soul. You can go home free.
Got out the next day for nothing.

Speaker 3 Hit two more's on the run right now.

Speaker 1 Damn. He got away? Yeah.
Are you going to get it?

Speaker 1 No, it's New York. All right.
You know what I mean? You want through with New York?

Speaker 3 Well, I'd like to, but once they change those rules back, every police commissioner, every detective of Sergeant and above is saying this is the worst scam.

Speaker 3 The mob is in New York again, in the criminal justice system.

Speaker 1 Cosa Nostra. Yeah.
Our thing.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I mean, that's just, you know, for nothing can you go to prison or jail if you do something.
Oh, poor guy, you're let out free. The dumbest thing there ever was.

Speaker 3 Martin Luther King's birthday was yesterday, and he said, if America doesn't have a penalty or a restriction, watch out.

Speaker 3 So, you know, it's really dumb. And it's got to be the mob in there.
You can rob a bank.

Speaker 1 Martin Luther King was a big bail guy.

Speaker 3 Well, he was against crime a lot. He was, you know, the guy that killed him was a bail jumper, was a fugitive.
So, yeah.

Speaker 1 Sliding doors, if you had been alive and like kind of like Mark Wahlberg, 9-11 kind of thing.

Speaker 3 And that's amazing you say that because that's what I'd have wanted to do.

Speaker 1 You would have had his ass.

Speaker 1 You would have given James Orray.

Speaker 1 You shot him with pepper down his face. Yeah.
Pepperball. I know.
He would not have liked that.

Speaker 1 I got a question about the fan club you have, the Dog Pound.

Speaker 1 What comes in that?

Speaker 3 A bunch of crazy motherfuckers.

Speaker 1 I need to be part of the dog pound I think I need to be part of the dog please bro please yes I need in on the dog pound it's interesting that you brought up you brought up people that rob banks because I feel like I grew up watching you know old movies and they come out occasionally where there's like an old west movie about a couple bank robbers on the run and you always root for the bank robbers you know when they're going from town to town right usually it's it's fun to root for those guys do you root for those guys in the movies or do you root for like the law man that's trying to chase them down well it's amazing because i've had guys of course my age

Speaker 3 not too often in the car. And I say, what movies did you like when you were young? And they say, James Cagney, come and get me copper.
You know, stuff like that. Where I like the Lone Ranger.

Speaker 3 You know, I always thought I was kind of like him. Who was that masked stranger? Oh, some people call him the dog.
So, you know, that was my hero. But guys I arrest is completely different.

Speaker 3 So television has a lot to do with our upbringing and who we become.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is crazy how TV just straight up made robbing robbing banks cool. Yeah.
Like when I hear bank robber, my first reaction was not, man, I hope they catch that guy.

Speaker 1 I was just like, that is badass. That's a dude who's robbing banks.

Speaker 1 Did you watch the documentary Don't Fuck With Cats? No. Have you seen it yet? No.
You should watch it. It's basically internet manhunting.

Speaker 3 Oh, is it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 They track a guy down with basically using clues off of pictures and random stuff.

Speaker 3 So you would like that. Well, we do that.
We did it before it

Speaker 3 was lawful. Right.
I mean, you had to get a warrant before.

Speaker 1 We just did it anyway. They would post something on Facebook, and you'd be able to, you know, surmise through all the stuff.

Speaker 3 Well, the guy sent a picture last month of his, he was at the zoo. And so his girlfriend said, well, I know you're with another girl right now.
He's like, no, baby, here it is.

Speaker 3 I told her we were with her. Make him send you a picture.
And he's like, here's a selfie. And then in the back, it said, some zoo.
And an hour later, we had him.

Speaker 1 No way. Oh, yeah.
I love it. Even bad guys like the zoo.

Speaker 3 Well, they just like that.

Speaker 3 They like that internet, man. They got to brag.
They got to go on there.

Speaker 1 We should do some sort of collaboration with you guys and Body Moven. And who's the other guy from Don't Fuck With Cats? The real manhunter guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. John Green.
So there are these two people that hunted down this. It was a cat killer and also the guy ended up becoming a murderer.

Speaker 1 They hunted him down online, like Big Cat said, looking at the clues and the photographs, other various clues that they left behind, tiny little breadcrumbs that they were able to track down.

Speaker 1 If we got some sort of collaboration, because this is a pretty big movie, pretty big documentary that just came out between you, Body Moving, and John Green.

Speaker 1 I think the kids would absolutely love that. It would be a hit.
Oh, really? If you know Body Moven or John Watcher, though, yeah, we'll produce it. I took a mental note.
Can we do a ride-along?

Speaker 1 I think we talked about this.

Speaker 3 Well, once we get into New York, yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1 In the second season, we'll do a ride-along.

Speaker 3 We work once in a while. I work for Empire Bail Bonds here, a female, Michelle.
Okay. So she gets once in a while a really good jump.
So when she does, she, of course, is one of your fans.

Speaker 3 We'll, you know, we'll

Speaker 1 tie in 100%.

Speaker 3 You got to wear a vest and sign.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. Do I get the zip ties?

Speaker 3 If you, whatever you like.

Speaker 1 Do I get a hot pepper gun?

Speaker 3 Whatever you want, brother. Pepperball gun.
But you got to sign a thing. If something happens, you can't sue me.

Speaker 1 Will you let me? Oh, no, I wouldn't sue you for anything. I will not let you drive.

Speaker 1 No, no, I wasn't asked to drive. I was going to ask at the end.

Speaker 1 When we get to the drive, I do love to drive. But at the end, when we get the guy or girl, will you let me give the speech? Yes.
Okay. Yeah.
And how did I know you like to drive?

Speaker 1 I do. I like drive.
tweeting.

Speaker 1 I know you do. Yeah, yeah, dude.
I'll drive. I'll drive us everywhere.
How about this? Me and Big Cat will be in the back seat. You'll load the perp up, have them sit in the middle.

Speaker 1 I'll hand them a cigarette. And then Big Cat gives them the big speech to clean up your life.
Just be like, listen, it's not worth it.

Speaker 1 Smash the ice pipe. Go with Christ, bro.
This is easy. Listen, I've seen the speech a billion times.
I know how to give the speech.

Speaker 1 I know how to do it. I wanted to congratulate you because you defeated death yesterday.
Yeah. There were some fake dudes again.
Oh, yeah. He's done it like four times.

Speaker 1 The BBC put out, it was a fake BBC account, but they said R.I.P. Dwayne Dog Chapman 1953 to 2009, which doesn't make sense because it's 2020.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then you just replied on Instagram, not so fast, haters.

Speaker 1 It happened with TMZ. TMZ's been doing it too.
Yeah. TMZ did it like a month ago.

Speaker 3 TMZ, though, said, if you're really alive, get this. Take a picture at the Denver Post.
I'm in Denver now. And what else did I have? Something.

Speaker 1 You had like a piece of paper that said I am alive and held it, right?

Speaker 3 And then they did it again yesterday. And then this guy wrote me this morning.
It's probably

Speaker 3 Lawhead. And he said, don't you get it? It's a premonition.
Die, you motherfucker.

Speaker 1 Oh. Lawhead's trying to get in your head.
But you know what?

Speaker 1 You're already so deep inside his head. He's having dreams about you.
Yeah. So you're already haunting him.

Speaker 1 So you're... So they're just, everyone's just predicting your death, and we need to just say.

Speaker 3 But it's a suicide. I don't do that.
I'm too scared to do that. Right.

Speaker 1 It has been happening. Yeah, you're as alive as you've ever been.
You're smoking just one pack a day now. You're getting closer and closer to cutting all that stuff out.

Speaker 1 You're kicking and screaming, man. You're ready to go.
Thank you. Thank you.
Gonna catch some people and fuck some people up. I like your sunglasses.
Do you wear the same pair every day? No.

Speaker 3 Different style for different colors.

Speaker 1 I noticed your shirt in the New York Times article as well was looking pretty

Speaker 1 stylish.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was stylish. That was a stylish shirt.

Speaker 3 A green shirt. Yeah.
You didn't like it? Quit wearing just black.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, you know, not really.

Speaker 3 I just like black, but gray or black.

Speaker 1 Green popped.

Speaker 3 My new assistant, I've got to wear the assistant. I've got to wear different colors now.

Speaker 1 When was the last time you put on like a golf shirt and tucked it into a nice, sensible pair of khakis?

Speaker 3 Cocka.

Speaker 1 That would be good. This never happened.

Speaker 3 Golf, I can't play that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What about you get dressed up ever? A tuxedo or suit?

Speaker 3 Tuxedo.

Speaker 1 Bolo tie?

Speaker 3 Oh, not really. I mean, I respect go to church and or maybe I'm thinking of it, oh that's terrible, a funeral, but I don't, not necessarily.
Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can't, you can't, dog can't live in a cage. No.
You got to be out there roaming free. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 There's a dog he's got to tie, and that's a lie.

Speaker 1 Could you imagine? We should actually do that. So WGN, make the second season, and we will promise one episode where dog has to work like at an accounting firm in lower Manhattan for an entire week.

Speaker 1 That would be funny to watch.

Speaker 3 Do I work overtime?

Speaker 1 You have to get a briefcase, get on the train, just be a schlub.

Speaker 3 Somebody tried to rob me if I look like a bad one.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I'd love to see him try.
It would be. Yeah, you tases that.
We'll put an Excel spreadsheet. Have you ever used a spreadsheet before? Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you might actually be able to be an accountant. As far as I know, there's only qualifications.

Speaker 3 As long as I have my phone, my calculator, let's rock. You got that.

Speaker 1 All you need is just like, if your boss gives you any shit, you'd be like, you want to tangle with the dog? Yeah.

Speaker 3 How about Siri?

Speaker 1 Siri, you got a Siri? Siri?

Speaker 1 You got the gloves on? You're typing with the gloves on? Siri, Siri, hell. Yeah, you got this.
All right. Well, I got one last question for you, Don.
Oh, is it over already?

Speaker 1 Well, we can hang out forever.

Speaker 1 I'm going to throw in the Seat Geek question, though. Promo code take, See Geek, promo code take $10 off.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 if there is a next season, there is going to be a next season. There's going to be a next season.
WGN, do the right thing.

Speaker 1 Have you ever done like international besides Mexico international bounty honey? Yes. Where?

Speaker 3 Well, what happens? Like, if I go to Canada,

Speaker 1 I think we need to take this place like, we need to go to fucking Costa Rica. We need to go to like.

Speaker 3 They bring me in, though, okay? And they go, sign right here. You'll not catch Quaid.
He's on the run in Canada. Who else you got? Sign right here, dog.

Speaker 3 So I have to sign a thing that says I will not try to arrest it. I tried to get into

Speaker 3 London, and they said, what if he comes here and does like he did in Mexico? And my person that answered said, well, let's hope so. And they can't get in there.

Speaker 3 So most other countries, because of who I am,

Speaker 3 will not allow me in there because all the, you know, some of our baby rapers run to leave.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's get Roman Polanski. Let's go find his ass.

Speaker 3 I thought he was back in America. Yes, he came back.

Speaker 1 He came out to ask.

Speaker 1 He's in L.A., right? New York or L.A. or something.
It's not New York. I don't think so.
Oh, we need to find Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah.
Because he's still alive. That motherfucker's still alive.

Speaker 1 Let's do that. Talked about him in season two.
He's on the trail of Jeffrey.

Speaker 3 You don't think they he hung himself?

Speaker 1 No. Oh, bro, he's dead.
I don't think so. I don't think so.

Speaker 1 So, the first time he was attacked in his prison cell, the cameras mysteriously go out. Okay, right.
They put him in suicide watch after he was there with a murder in his cell that tried to kill him.

Speaker 1 He goes to suicide watch. He comes back into his own cell.
The cops mysteriously fall asleep. There's no video footage.
He broke all three bones in his neck.

Speaker 1 Usually, maybe one. Maybe one is broken if it's

Speaker 3 if you jump off a bed, even or a bunk.

Speaker 1 All three were broken. The guy was a billionaire.
He was in cahoots with the Trumps, with the Clintons.

Speaker 1 Basically, every single billionaire in New York City had some sort of tie-in with him. He was a CIA asset for 20 years.
There's no way this guy's dead. This guy is overseas somewhere.

Speaker 3 Well, in prison, morality, all of a sudden,

Speaker 3 you get morality. And when you go in prison for that kind of charge,

Speaker 3 you are dead. Whitey Bulger, remember the story?

Speaker 3 Number one or was number one most wanted FBI list last year. 30 some years he's on the run.
Okay. I once in a while, I think I ran into his wife once on the boardwalk.

Speaker 3 So he was transferred to the most secure prison in America. I mean, there's no way nobody could get him.
He was alive two hours.

Speaker 3 They got in his cell, plucked his eyeballs out, cut his tongue off. Whitey Bolger, tough mafiosa.

Speaker 3 Yes, you Google it. It is unbelievable.
And this prison, there's no way you could have that happen.

Speaker 3 Right. You know, whatever.
It's just the convicts hate those kind of guys. You do that to a woman or a child, you are dead.

Speaker 1 I think that there is a possibility that he was murdered.

Speaker 3 I don't think he killed himself, but I think he was.

Speaker 1 No, he's murdered.

Speaker 1 He was either murdered or it was a different body and he escaped.

Speaker 1 But I'm very, that's the one conspiracy theory that I actually believe just because of the sheer amount of contacts he had with other billionaires. He had the most powerful people.

Speaker 1 He had compromising material on all of them.

Speaker 3 Most all rapists do not commit suicide. A person that does shot someone else.
You know, that's why these guys

Speaker 3 eat the gun themselves. Rapists are sissies.

Speaker 3 They like that feeling where, girl, please, please, please don't. I've arrested a lot.
And they will not, most of the time, kill themselves. No, he didn't kill himself.
Somebody hung his ass.

Speaker 1 Is there justice? One arrest that you look back on over your years and you're like, that is my favorite arrest. I'm really glad we got that guy.
Oh, wow. He did get beaten to death.
My bad.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. Yeah, bro.
I won't lie to you on that. No,

Speaker 1 I just don't know. Did you see how long?

Speaker 1 Half hours. Yeah, it was two hours that he was transferred

Speaker 3 before dark.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that day. That day.
Yeah. Crazy.

Speaker 3 Before dark. Crazy.
So, you know, right when he went in, we're talking about Whitey Bulger again. Right when he went in, all the guards, hey, Whitey, what's up, brother?

Speaker 3 You know, all the inmates talking to him.

Speaker 3 And then one guard turned his head, cut his eyeballs out, cut his tongue out. You see the mutilation they did to his body.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's nuts.

Speaker 1 So is there that one guy?

Speaker 3 Well, the one guy was Andrew Luster, 87 counts of rape from L.A. Max Factor.
Yeah, the Max Factor great-grandson. Because some of the victims said to me, a girl,

Speaker 3 dog, every time the wind blows and the leaves are rustling, I think he's outside my window, and she was like freaking out all the time.

Speaker 3 Please catch him, please catch him, and crying, and made me feel really bad. And when I caught him, you know, the first one I call was her.
I said, Here, Lester, say hi.

Speaker 1 Gotcha. That's, I mean, yeah, that's a pretty good guy to get off the stage.
Yeah, we just, it would actually get some buzz going around season two.

Speaker 1 Just if you look into the camera and say, Jeffrey Epstein, if you are still alive, I'm going to find you. Get your ass.
I'm going to find you.

Speaker 3 Jeffrey Epstein, if you are still alive, beware of the dog.

Speaker 1 He's coming for you. Oh,

Speaker 1 how long do you think it would take for you to catch us?

Speaker 3 Oh, stop. You're my friends.

Speaker 1 I know, but like, seriously, you know. So that place is.

Speaker 3 Well, you're a driver. So

Speaker 1 if you came up to me, I'd be like, dog, I thought we were friends. And I'd play at your heartstrings.

Speaker 3 I would have people calling you over and over, and I'd put a car outside your pad or where you're at, running, and you see that car because you're a driver.

Speaker 1 You'd be like, yeah, we'd probably just tweet something like so super quick. I would forget to turn my location off.
Yeah. Yeah, we'd get

Speaker 1 Midtown David Busters. Yeah, and we should try that, though.
Maybe that's an episode. Now they ping you.

Speaker 3 You know what a ping is, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, the whole where they can track you wherever you are.

Speaker 3 You done.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Yeah, so we're kind of addicted to social media.
And if we're going to be able to get it,

Speaker 1 we wouldn't be able to turn our phones off.

Speaker 3 It goes ping, and then they got exactly where you're at.

Speaker 1 If I'm going to be on the run, I might as well get clout out of it. So I'm going to be tweeting.
I'm going to be gramming. Oh, absolutely.
But you're not going to be like, hey, check us out.

Speaker 1 New Bonnie and Clyde. Here we are.
Cell phone. Oh, yeah.
So I would shave. I would put on a nice dress.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't

Speaker 1 think you were looking for a guy. You just basically have to go to a Buffalo Wild Wings on a Sunday.

Speaker 1 That's what I say.

Speaker 1 You change your sexual orientation.

Speaker 3 That's how to get away.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Who you could put on the skies and just never.
Yeah, okay. If you were on the run, where would you go?

Speaker 3 Oh, I've never really thought about that.

Speaker 1 Let's just say you're framed. Somebody framed Dog Big Time for a crime you did not commit.

Speaker 1 You don't know who you can go to.

Speaker 3 Somewhere where you can't be extradited from, where you can still walk around and say, hi, America.

Speaker 1 Hi, America. Yeah, was that like Ecuador?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I'm not going to say that.
Please. I do know, but I'm not going to, because my guys are all going to start.
Thank you, dog, and head there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, don't go there.

Speaker 3 Oregon's a good place to go if you want to be, you know.

Speaker 1 What about just hiding under the bed?

Speaker 3 We always check the bed. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 That's always my thought. Like, or either that or like sitting in the closet with all the coats behind you.

Speaker 3 Well, listen, the other day I caught a guy. It's amazing you said that.
You know how two mattresses are, right? Yeah. So she, the girl, cut out, he laid down.

Speaker 3 They drew around him like you do a turkey with your hand. And they cut it out.
So when we went in, he laid in that and she was sitting on the mattress on the bed, right?

Speaker 3 And I just started to leave. And I thought, you know what? Get up, honey.

Speaker 1 Why? Oh, he's there.

Speaker 3 Well, just get up.

Speaker 1 I want to look at her. Why?

Speaker 1 David Leland.

Speaker 3 Oh, and so when she got up, we raised the mattress and he was like, I don't know. I can't fucking believe it.

Speaker 1 That is a genius.

Speaker 1 No, isn't that great? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, Charlie Manson hid in

Speaker 3 a milk box, you know, little,

Speaker 3 yeah. I mean, it's amazing where they can hide.

Speaker 1 Did you check the refrigerator?

Speaker 3 Yes, and the washer and dryer. I found them in there.

Speaker 1 Really? I go, turn that on, will you?

Speaker 3 Oh, places that you, you know, or behind the door with the standard like that when you open the door or the closet.

Speaker 1 Inside the couch.

Speaker 3 Underneath the couch, yeah. Misinformation.

Speaker 1 Dog check. Yeah, yeah.
Dog never checks inside the couch, guys. Never checks for refrigeration.
Never.

Speaker 3 Refrigerator, washer and dryer on the roof, in the attic, like standing, or guys, like different glasses, shirt real quick. Hi, is this? That's you.
No, it ain't.

Speaker 3 And you're like, wow, it is you.

Speaker 1 No, it's not.

Speaker 3 And you got to sign this, right? Or

Speaker 3 let me see you. I mean, some guys are just really good liars.

Speaker 3 And then finally, they're like, all right, it's me.

Speaker 1 Man,

Speaker 3 do I get the cigarette, dog?

Speaker 3 The speech.

Speaker 1 Yes, need the speech.

Speaker 1 God give them the speech. I would say that you're looking for my twin brother.
Has that ever happened to me?

Speaker 3 I have, on my application, it says, Are you a twin? Oh. Because I have had that and not arrested the wrong guy, but that's what they try to do.
Wow. So they can get you for false arrest.
Interesting.

Speaker 3 So, and I had one time a Latino, the two brothers, and they both had identical tattoos around them until I brought in the old lady. I said, now listen, this is 10,000, and 1,000 goes to you.

Speaker 3 Which one is the real Jose Gonzalez? And she said, oh, it's you, you fucker. And she kissed him.

Speaker 1 Boom, it was him. Love it.

Speaker 3 Love it. Yeah, that's good, though.

Speaker 1 That's what I would say. Yeah.
You're looking for my twins. Do you have a twin? No,

Speaker 1 I used to. He's dead.
He's dead. Oh, I'm sorry.
That's okay.

Speaker 1 Really? The truth? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Speaker 1 Not really. It kind of threw me.
Not really, but. It's a long story.
Yeah, Yeah,

Speaker 1 when was the last time you cut your mullet?

Speaker 3 63.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 3 I get it trimmed once in a while.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but when was the last time you had you didn't have the long hair?

Speaker 3 I haven't ever.

Speaker 3 You trim hair Hawaiian style on a full moon.

Speaker 1 That's true. Mm-hmm.
Every full moon you do a little...

Speaker 3 Not every, but when you cut it, you cut it.

Speaker 1 Have to wait for the full moon? I'm going to start it.

Speaker 3 Something about the gamma ray because then it makes it grow longer and longer and longer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to start doing that. Now, do you do it just like on the day of a full moon or something?

Speaker 3 Yes, when it tests the full moon that day, boot, you can do a trim.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, I'm going to show you that too.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it really works. So, Hawaiians

Speaker 1 grow their hair to their waist. I believe it.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, dog, thank you as always.
Love you, both. Come by anytime you want.
That's really good. Anytime you're in New York.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 And keep telling everyone that you're live because I'm sure there'll be some media outlets that want to get in on the dog is dead business.

Speaker 3 Fuck them. Well, when it does happen, it will be.

Speaker 1 We won't. No, it's not.
That's not going to be a long, long time from now. Yes.
Thank you. Long time.
You're on the fast track of being healthy. You got season two coming up.

Speaker 1 You're going to be just fine. Yes.
Thank you. You got this.
But we should maybe take a picture of you in front of a green screen. So even

Speaker 1 we'll know in 40 years when you do pass, we can fuck with everyone and be like, actually, he's still alive. He came back.
Yeah. We can put it in the back of the back.
One of the newspaper behind you.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you a joke.

Speaker 3 So this guy,

Speaker 3 this Jewish couple went to Jerusalem, right, together. And the wife died.
And And he's like, oh my God. So they said, now, listen, we want to,

Speaker 3 I want to send her back to America. But it was $5,000 to send the body.
So the Jewish government felt bad. And they said, listen, we'll bury her here in Jerusalem.
We'll give you a good deal.

Speaker 3 He's like, no, I want to take her back to America. So then war broke out, as it always does in Jerusalem, right? And it's a day later.
So he went back in.

Speaker 3 They said, listen, it's $25,000 now to send the body.

Speaker 3 We're going to, you know, do you a favor because you're here and you're Jewish. We're going to let you bury her right here.
And he goes, I'll pay the $25,000.

Speaker 3 And the one guy said, why would you do that? He said, listen, the last time you buried somebody here, they rose from the dead in three days. I'll bury the bitch in Oklahoma.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Aloha, you guys.
All right. Thank you so much, Todd.
Appreciate it.

Speaker 8 This season, transform your space into an entertainer's dream with Wayfair. Everything ships fast, right to your door.
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Speaker 1 Okay, let's get some segments, finish up the show. We have chaps coming up in a minute for some roast listener roasts.
First up, let's do some Fire Fest.

Speaker 1 Henry, would you like to start? Daniel?

Speaker 1 Would you like to start? My Fire Fest was falling asleep during Zion last night. Yeah.

Speaker 1 My secondary Firefest is Stu Feiner was just in the office, which is nice because we didn't have to deal with him.

Speaker 1 Like, he wasn't here for us, so it's nice to just see him as the wrecking ball that he is. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Well, sometimes it's like when he's going out of the control and you're like, Stu, you know, we got a tape in five minutes. Like, can we get it together? Stu?

Speaker 1 It's nice to just see him as a wrecking ball and be like, hey, Stu. And he just threw a bunch of weed at me.
So that was my other Fire Fest. Yeah,

Speaker 1 there's some marijuana on my side of the desk over here. Again, that's not me.
We'll get to this.

Speaker 1 Because somebody that wrote in a roast correctly said that I take the cover for Hank being the real drug guy. Oh,

Speaker 1 whoa. And this is what they're talking about.
There's marijuana.

Speaker 1 I take one-day trips to Hong Kong. I'm not touching it.
Good point.

Speaker 1 MDMA is not a drug. It occurs naturally in your body.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Actually, that's completely false. Yeah, I was going to say.
But it sounded good coming out of your mouth. PFT, what's your Fire Fest? My Fire Fest.

Speaker 1 Actually, Hank's Fire Fest reminded me of something. So you fell asleep during the game.
Big Cat fell asleep during the Zion game.

Speaker 1 That actually dovetails very nicely with our new favorite recurring listener of the show, soon-to-be-recurring guest, Saquon Barkley. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who said that his favorite podcast was part of my take, but we're pretty confident that he meant to say part of the interruption

Speaker 1 because of his description. There's no way he listens to part of the interruption on a podcast.
He said he likes it because of the sports debate and

Speaker 1 the disagreement. And how there are two sides that argue out their points.
Maybe he just listened to the podcast when we fought about the dip spit. Yeah, that's it.
It's got to be it.

Speaker 1 It's got to be it. But this falls right in line if we have two hosts that fall asleep during the game.
You guys are Tony Kornheis. Yes.
So

Speaker 1 how can I name drawing at the end of the day? Are you watching the game? Yeah, I was watching it live. So

Speaker 1 my good friends... Tommy Alter and J.J.
Reddick interviewed Zion

Speaker 1 before the game. And so they had their new podcast come out.
And they told me, be on the lookout, man. The Zion kid's really good.
Really good. So, you know, shout out to them.

Speaker 1 Boy, is my face going to be red next time I hang out with J.J. Reddick.
It's going to be like, yeah, you called it, buddy.

Speaker 1 That's my Mike Wilbon impression. I have no problem that I went to sleep early.
I need to, it's all about resting before Super Bowl week. I said to myself, you know what? Time to lay in.
He's fat.

Speaker 1 Mark Jackson said he was fat. I know everything Mark Jackson says is correct.
Breaking news. He needs to lose weight.
Once Mark Jackson said that, you're like, all right, fine, Mark. You say no more.

Speaker 1 I'm going to sleep. My fire fest, my actual fire fest of the week, shout out Saquon, is the coronavirus.
Yeah. So the coronavirus is at cillion beers.
It is live.

Speaker 1 It's over in China right now. They've shut down cities.
They've quarantined entire cities that have like a million, 11 million people in them. Can you imagine that?

Speaker 1 Like, that's basically shutting down New York City. Yes.
Quarantining the entire city because this thing is deadly. And I guess there was one case of it in Seattle.

Speaker 1 And I've seen the movie Outbreak recently. So I just think we're all fucked.
It's a good thing we're not going to like a centrally

Speaker 1 localized city that everyone's going to be coming in from all different places. No one gets sick in Miami.
Dude. The air is.
Well, they they get the coronavirus, but a different one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You throw in Lyme disease. It's the most refreshing pandemic of all time.
Funny little twist.

Speaker 1 All right. My Fire Fest is, I started watching the show The Circle on Netflix, and it's the worst show that's ever been created.
And I started watching it, and I can't stop. Why can't you stop?

Speaker 1 It's the worst show I have ever watched. Bank has watched it.
BFT, I cannot wait for you to start watching it. I'm not going to.
This is the worst show. It's the worst show.

Speaker 1 For people who don't know what this show is. I'm not in the Marvelous Mazel right now.
I cannot stop watching it. So I don't have time.
They created a show where it's a competition

Speaker 1 where eight people live in an apartment building but never meet and only converse over a social network called The Circle. It is horrendous.
So do they live in the city?

Speaker 1 You're watching TikTok. You're watching the

Speaker 1 Circle TikTok. I tried to watch the Mentos video.

Speaker 1 What's going on? So, I don't know, man, trying to say hip. So, for instance, we'll get to that.
Big Kat, are they in different apartments in the same complex?

Speaker 1 So, that's pretty normal.

Speaker 1 know, I can't recall ever moving into an apartment complex after college where I became friends with other people in that complex.

Speaker 1 But they talk to each other and they say, like, they send text messages to each other, but they talk it all out loud. So they're like,

Speaker 1 Siri. It's like

Speaker 1 a conversation that me and you would have that would take two minutes. Yeah.
They text it back and forth. So it's like 15 minutes of showtime.

Speaker 1 It's like, Jimmy, what's popping, bro? And then they go back and forth like that for like 10 minutes. And he's like, what should I say back? Like, should I be like, what's popping my G?

Speaker 1 Or should I say like, what's popping man? What's the point of the show? Uh, the each, each time that each episode they

Speaker 1 vote. Yeah, there's a couple catfish.
So you can be real or you can be fake. You can be someone, like, there's a guy who's pretending to be a girl.

Speaker 1 Uh, there's also a woman who's pretending to be a more attractive woman. That's a great move.
That's really sad. Yeah, that part is a little bummer.
But

Speaker 1 they basically, after each show,

Speaker 1 two of them become the influencers, verified influencers, and they vote someone off. That's so bad.
And then a new person comes in.

Speaker 1 I don't know the point.

Speaker 1 I don't know the point. It sounds awful.
I'm never going to watch it. No.
And it's confusing as hell because they taped it in London,

Speaker 1 but then they showed it. It's the same accents.
But no, it's

Speaker 1 hard pass.

Speaker 1 It's Americans because then they show skyline shots of Chicago, but it's like weird because it's not Chicago. And it's the whole thing is

Speaker 1 so fucked. I'm not going to watch it.
That's all I got to say. That's my firefight.
I can't wait to watch the rest of the episodes. How many are you in? Two in.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, Hank, you're going to watch the rest. I will not start.
No, I actually.

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 just when I watch it.

Speaker 1 You want people to be miserable along the way. It's so bad.

Speaker 1 It's one of those shows that you watch and you say to yourself, I am getting significantly dumber as I watch this show. And then you keep on watching.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That was my firefest.

Speaker 1 Okay, we have a pinstripe update. On Tuesday night, Derek Jeter was voted into the Hall of Fame.
Surely he was 100%. Well, he kind of voted into the Hall of Fame.
Unanimous? I would assume so. Oh,

Speaker 1 Hank, do you know if he was unanimous?

Speaker 1 He was not. Wow.
396 out of 397 votes. That is fucking hilarious.
I'm happy that baseball writers have got their groove back.

Speaker 1 Because Mariano, they slipped with Mariano. You can't let him in, especially as a closer, you shouldn't be let in.
Someone has a unanimous vote. Someone has to be the turd in the punch ball.

Speaker 1 Someone needs to claim responsibility for this. This is like an attack.

Speaker 1 You're trying to send a message. Message delivered.
Now you have to claim it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm also firmly in the camp of the fact that Barry Bonds isn't in the Hall of Fame makes the Hall of Fame completely erroneous to me. Or Roger Clements.

Speaker 1 Barry Bonds is the best baseball player of all time. He should be in the Hall of Fame.
Even if you take out the years that Barry Bonds was definitely doing steroids allegedly,

Speaker 1 if you just take 1990 to 1999, Barry Bonds was still the best player of that decade by a large margin.

Speaker 1 Or just take out all his hits and just have it be on base percentage, and I think it still was was unbelievable. Right,

Speaker 1 if he went up to bat without a bat in his hand, he still would have led the league in on base percentage. Right, so he should be in the Hall of Fame.

Speaker 1 And until that happens, I don't care about the Hall of Fame.

Speaker 1 I do think that Derek Cheeter should have sent probably like everyone that did vote for him a nice little gift basket afterwards and then leave that. KY Jelly.
The KY Jelly and autographed baseballs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Advil, whatever else was in that package. Yeah.
It's surprising that we never got like a detailed what was in that package. And itemized like his rider.
Yeah, his rider rider.

Speaker 1 He played in the right era because if it was today, I feel like we would have gotten one of the packages. Oh, a million percent.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would be put on Instagram within probably six hours of him sending the photo. Although he probably had them sign a Dan Bilzerian-like NDA the minute they watched it.

Speaker 1 You can't even say that we're saying that. I can't even say Bilzerian.
Okay, the NDA. About a shitty NDA.

Speaker 1 The NDA. Right.
That's all we have to say. But yeah, Derek Jeter got voted in.
I'm sure everyone will cry.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to see him at his Hall of Fame ceremony and be reminded of the fact that every day that passes, he looks more and more like a a penis. But he is a Hall of Famer, a Hall of Famer.

Speaker 1 One of the best shortstops of all time. Second best shortstop on that Yankees team.
Yeah. Behind A-Rod.
Right.

Speaker 1 Now, you have to ask the question: are his actions as an executive taking away from his playing career? It's got to be asked.

Speaker 1 Would you think that maybe it's a writer from Florida that didn't vote for him because they're so spiteful of how he's treated Marlin's man? Do you think Marlin's Man maybe

Speaker 1 wrote, like, paid off one of the writers to make sure he wasn't unanimous? Yeah, I think it's possible.

Speaker 1 I think Marlin's Man could show up at your house with all his cats and just say, it'd be a real shame if someone were to just let all these cats loose in your house.

Speaker 1 I can't wait for next week with Marlins Man. He's going.
How many days do you think Marlin's Man will show up to radio? Every. It's front row.
That's what I'm. You know what?

Speaker 1 Just flashing back to the XFL stuff. I'm upset that I'm not going to be able to kick in a game with Marlin's Man sitting between the uprights for me to aim at.
That would have been so amazing. Yes.

Speaker 1 Didn't I offer you money if you hit him in the face? Yeah, probably. Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 1 All right. So last up, before we get to the roast, we have a little stock tip from Mike Francesa.
So Mike Francesa tweeted today, what was the exact tweet? It was something like... The exact tweet was

Speaker 1 something like, when TikTok goes public, buy it, buy it again, and get back in line three times to buy it some more.

Speaker 1 So Mike Francesa is giving out some investment advice. I think it's probably wise to follow what the Sports Pope tells you to do.

Speaker 1 I actually think he probably just read about TikTok in the paper that morning. No, no, no, no, no.
His kid definitely is a TikTok. One of two things.
1 million percent. Wait, you go first.

Speaker 1 I was going to say he either read about it in the paper that morning or somebody told him, yo, Mike, you're blowing up on TikTok and had a bunch of videos of him with all these views.

Speaker 1 And he's like, that's a great app.

Speaker 1 There was a New York Times article about TikTok earlier this week. I think those are connected.

Speaker 1 I was going to say he has young kids. It's definitely like his kid got in trouble in school or they had to take his phone away

Speaker 1 and he's like not playing sports or something. And it's like, why, you know, what's going on? He's like, all he does is he's on TikTok.
It's just TikTok, TikTok, TikTok. You're going with

Speaker 1 it.

Speaker 1 Yes, his kid is obsessed with TikTok to the point where Francesa can't get him to do anything else. So he's like, get on this TikTok.

Speaker 1 Get on this TikTok.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure Francesa, I might have just made this up. I think he named all his kids after JFK.

Speaker 1 Like, one's John, one's Jack, one's Fitzgerald. Oh, you were named after JFK.
Yeah, I was named after JFK. You too, Hank? Yeah.

Speaker 1 JFK?

Speaker 1 What? Right?

Speaker 1 You were named after JFK, right? No.

Speaker 1 He died in 1963, and you were born in 1993. So you were named after him.
Ha, got it. I get it.
That was such a shit.

Speaker 1 That's a dad joke I should make because I'm a dad. That was so bad.

Speaker 1 God damn it. That was so bad.
All right, let's go to chaps. We have a huge show, by the way,

Speaker 1 every day for Super Bowl week. But on Monday, we have a big guest, former NFL quarterback.
Very fun interview. But here is Chaps to finish off this show.
Before we get to Chaps.

Speaker 8 Hey, this is Rhea from Chicks in the Office. And this season, we're heading home for the holidays with Abercrombie and Fitch.
We all know our calendars are about to get chaotic.

Speaker 8 For non-stop plans, Abercrombie has the pieces to curate your perfect seasonal wardrobe, sweaters and denim for casual plans, party dresses for nights out, and comfy matching sets for everything in between.

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Speaker 1 And now, our good friend Uncle Chaps.

Speaker 5 Big time chapsy.

Speaker 1 Big time chaps. That was such a dad joke.
Such a dad joke.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're going to finish up the show, the week, with our very, very, very, very good friend. And very, very, very good reader.
Very good reader, Very handsome boy. He kept his beard this time.

Speaker 1 It is Uncle Chaps. Perfect eyes today from Uncle Chaps.
He hosts a show on Sirius XM. He hosts ZBT, the world's best military podcast.

Speaker 6 We have a huge guest. Jocko Wilnick is going to be on the podcast.
He was SEAL Team 3 commander. He was involved with Chris Kyle's command.
He was Chris Kyle's commander of the SEAL Teams 2.

Speaker 6 He's out, and that's our episode today.

Speaker 1 That's ZBT's episode today.

Speaker 1 And he also hosts Pod Fathers, which I I was on. Yeah, you were.
For next week. So go subscribe.
Next week, I sat down with chaps.

Speaker 1 We talked about what fatherhood has meant to me for seven months, that I've been in the game, as they say, in the biz.

Speaker 6 In the dad biz.

Speaker 1 In the dad biz. So go and listen to that next week, Pod Fathers.
But he is everywhere, and he's going to do Rose

Speaker 3 for us.

Speaker 1 Listener Rose.

Speaker 1 Can you do big time Tommy first?

Speaker 1 I have an addiction. Okay.
Big Time Tommy. You've probably seen him.
He's the meatball Italian guy on Instagram who constantly posts about keeping it old school, taking it ease.

Speaker 1 Pretty sure he lives in Hoboken. I don't know if he has a house.
He's got a car, a very nice

Speaker 1 car.

Speaker 1 And he just drives from place to place. It's him and his buddy, DJ Vinny Dice.
And

Speaker 1 Chaps does an impression, and I have asked him to do the impression no less than 30 times today.

Speaker 6 My favorite way to do the impression is because he has these motivational quotes that he does all the time. So I like to go to Pinterest and just find find like the first random one that shows up.

Speaker 6 So this is what it is.

Speaker 5 Okay, Instagram, this is big time, Tommy.

Speaker 5 You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are the change in the ending.

Speaker 1 That's the old school way. OS for life.
Take it ease. Take it easy.
That's a big time quote you would say right when you're getting out of jail. Yeah.
Yeah. Listen, the past.

Speaker 1 The past is the past. Take a Reese.
Hey, take a Reese. Keep it old school.
Make sure you see your probation officer.

Speaker 5 That's the old school way.

Speaker 1 Fuck it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make you do that to end the show. I hope you know that.

Speaker 1 Can you read the first roast as big time Tommy? Sure, I can do it. Yeah.
All right, here we go. Listener Roasts.
Here we do. And these are five-star reviews.
That's how you get to roast us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can still leave a five-star review for the next time we do roasts, so do that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 5 Hey, what's up, award-winning listeners? It's big time, Tommy. I'm here to read your roast today.

Speaker 5 Chubby Tony Montana with a gambling addiction and somehow more feminine Jared Letto, a greener, a chinless hoodie wearing walking advertisement for Taco Bell about who put a Mountain Dew dip kit spin in a bottle ale.

Speaker 1 I'm Rayon.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. That was good.
Yeah, we want me to do another big time Tommy area. Yeah, do it again.

Speaker 1 Do whatever you want. Fuck my voice so much.
Or if you want to save it for the end, do the next one. Okay, save it for the end.

Speaker 1 All right, here's the next one. We'd like to hear you misread things in your own voice.
Okay.

Speaker 6 The only thing more upsetting than PFT's pro football career is Mits Trubisky's hashtag sad cat.

Speaker 1 That's rough. That's rough.
Yeah. Yeah.
Football young. Both football young.
Very football young. I don't have a lot of wear and tear on these joints.
Uh-uh.

Speaker 6 Here's the next one. What do you get when you have a dude with ED, Andy Reid's overweight stepson, and one of the stun extras from point break? Well, you get this show.

Speaker 6 Sometimes they stay on track with topics, but then they either get high or drunk in the middle. Then it's anyone's guess what the hell they're talking about.

Speaker 1 That's fair. That's not necessarily.
We get drunk or high before. Yeah.
And always every now and then. We can't do it all the time.
We're not Joe Rogan. True.

Speaker 1 We should do DMT before an episode. Drug guy.

Speaker 6 Yeah. What is DMT?

Speaker 1 What's DMT? Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Tell them. I don't know what DMT is.
Tell them. DMT is called the God Particle.
Because your body releases a little bit of DMT when you pass away. Oh.

Speaker 1 And it gives you that little oomph to get you into the afterlife. And you feel like everything's okay.
It's quick acting, so you can smoke it. It's out of your system.

Speaker 1 Well, it's in your system, but it doesn't affect you for longer than maybe 10 or 12 minutes. Don't you shit yourself, too, when you pass away? You could.
That's also DMT. I've never done that drug.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I think that is, like, when you have a heart attack, you just shit everywhere.
It's the

Speaker 1 21 grams for that movie. Really? You had a heart attack? Yeah.

Speaker 6 No. Yeah, I did.
I did. Why I worked at Barstall.

Speaker 1 A real one? You don't remember that?

Speaker 1 I remember it but it wasn't i texted legit did you thought you did text too many push-ups what would i do a push-up that's true 20 and 20 check in on you i think so no you didn't yeah i did i checked in on you you did yeah yeah it's my friend jay cutler's husky super fan

Speaker 6 i love husky yeah husky's a good like yeah the like the husky clothing line when you're a child that hurts yep a store a store brand head and shoulders model and an illiterate tax evader talk about football coaches' sexual experience they read about online and their obsession with the genius Darren Rovelle.

Speaker 6 They are about as likely to say something intelligent as the

Speaker 6 necroplatic lady, lackey, is catching a flight. And after recommending to my dad, he told me that he wasn't even mad.

Speaker 6 He's just disappointing in me.

Speaker 1 Ah, that's not true. There's no way.
I honestly think that our podcast has repaired so many relationships between fathers and sons. Absolutely.
It's got so many dads and kids close. Absolutely.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Tell your dad, what's up, motherfucker. Yeah.
Have him listen.

Speaker 1 Tell your dad to subscribe so you have something to talk to. If you have a son that listens to this show right now, text him, yo, what's up, you little bitch? You listen to PMT today yet? And then

Speaker 1 show us his response. Tweet us his response.

Speaker 6 This one from Keegan, it's about me, and it is 1,000% true. 100% true.

Speaker 6 Chaps looks like he's trying out to be on the cast of the Sam Lott reunion movie.

Speaker 1 That is the TMZ.

Speaker 1 Yeah, guess who? Member him? Guess who it is? I love when they do that. YouTube darts like a girl.
It would be like a four-year-old child actor and be like, remember him? Look at him now.

Speaker 1 That's like, well, yeah, of course. He's 40.
It's always

Speaker 1 Cam from the big green.

Speaker 6 You know, I think I look like I grew up froggy from

Speaker 1 the little rascals. Oh, okay.
Little rascals, underrated. You look like Gritty's mugshot.
Yeah. Ooh, speaking of.
Or Gritty in court.

Speaker 1 You looked like the courtroom animation of gritty. Gritty.

Speaker 1 Gritty when he takes his mask off. It's like, oh, there's actually just a gritty underneath the gritty.
People love gritty, though, chaps. It's a compliment.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, like when they do the human renderings of like Star Wars characters, like Yoda as a human. Yeah.
It's like gritty, imagine as a human. Everyone's like, no, no, no, please.

Speaker 1 Like, we don't want this.

Speaker 6 Especially when I have banana-induced pink eye. My eyes are all bulgy and stuff.

Speaker 1 It was gross. Remember that? Oh, fuck.

Speaker 6 Fat Freddy Mercury and an elf princess with glaucoma ask a vet with worse tattoos than Paul Bissonette to read reviews because their product doesn't know how to.

Speaker 6 Or producer doesn't know how to.

Speaker 1 Oh. Does Paul have bad tattoos? I don't know.
I've never seen his tattoos. I always can't.

Speaker 1 I can't look away from his nose. Yeah, he seems like too big of a pussy to get tattoos, honestly.

Speaker 1 What are your tattoos? Can you tell us what a couple of your tattoos mean? Okay. Fish.

Speaker 6 The fish means that I was young and lived in Japan.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 The yellow submarine.

Speaker 6 My daughter's name is McCartney.

Speaker 1 Okay. Show me the Ronald McDonald.

Speaker 6 Okay, the Ronald McDonald McDonald was because I was in canine school, like I was in a school for military working dogs, and me and my buddy Doc, we had a chicken McNugget eating contest, and the loser

Speaker 6 had to get a tattoo.

Speaker 6 I lost, so I had to get Ronald McDonald on my wrist.

Speaker 1 Okay, and what's this one?

Speaker 6 That one's John Bassilone. He's a Marine who was killed in the Battle of Iwo Jima.
Okay. Medal of Honor recipient.

Speaker 1 Respect.

Speaker 1 Is your grandfather?

Speaker 6 Chesty Puller? No. Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 Just too really.

Speaker 6 He's like a badass. Just two famous Marines.

Speaker 6 Probably the most famous Marine ever.

Speaker 1 I got a question about the Iwo Jima thing. I don't want to be disrespectful because I know it was a very important battle.
Careful. Did it really take nine people to raise that flag up?

Speaker 6 They did it several times. Yeah.
Like it went over and over again. I think the actual photo has five, but that one was like just created just for the picture's sake.

Speaker 1 Gotcha. And then more and more people were like, I want to get in this place.

Speaker 6 Yeah, they're like, no, get down, do it again. Let's go.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like a TikTok that we did earlier today. And the end of the battle was starting out with three people, and then I was like, hey, can I be in it too? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was very similar similar to the Battle of Iwo Jima. Perfect.
Next one.

Speaker 6 Oh, I forgot. We were doing this.

Speaker 1 Oh, we were just having so much fun. I lost where I was at.
Being us. I also like your Jackson Deville tattoo.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that was a good one.

Speaker 6 Here we go.

Speaker 1 You say that was a good one. Like, you don't wear it every day.

Speaker 1 That is true. You hung it up in the closet.
Yeah, that was a good one. I did.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Show.
Wait, he's wearing the thumbs up.

Speaker 1 Let me see. Let me see.
Oh, that is fucking good. Yeah.
See, that was a good one. That was a good one.

Speaker 1 I don't regret that one. I kind knew when they moved the team to London.

Speaker 6 A big red X through it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Nice.
Nice.

Speaker 1 Just put the big

Speaker 1 Birmingham Castle or whatever. Whatever the Castle Guards

Speaker 1 hat. Yeah, the big hat.
Or you could do the Joe Pot and put a halo over his head.

Speaker 6 No. Yeah, that was.

Speaker 6 If the Jags move to London, seriously, because they're in talks right now, people in Jacksonville buzz that they're going to have two home games in London this year instead of just one.

Speaker 6 People are like, if they do that, I'm giving up my season ticket.

Speaker 1 On a scale of one one to ten, how much do you miss Blake? Zero. You, come on.
You miss him a little bit. I don't.

Speaker 1 Honestly, chaps, you would rather have Blake than Nick Foles in your team.

Speaker 6 Oh, like, is Blake going to be the backup?

Speaker 1 No. No.
Let's say Blake's year was exactly like Nick Foles' year. He started.

Speaker 6 He was more interesting than Nick Foles. At least, like, Blake, if we were bad, he's like a cool guy.

Speaker 6 I like him as a person.

Speaker 1 If he were bad. I don't think he was saying that.

Speaker 6 I do like him as a person. I lost my place again.

Speaker 6 I don't remember where we're at.

Speaker 1 I think we have like two more. Okay.

Speaker 6 All right, here we go. PFT definitely smells like stale farts and cigarettes.

Speaker 1 Big Cat, he's the type of guy to pull up his pants and leave without wiping when he runs out of toilet paper. That's really mean.

Speaker 6 Definitely a drug guy of the group. PFT is just a cover-up.
And Jeffrey Epsid didn't kill himself. Bubba, the type of guy to have two fists of a beer and then be blackout drunk with chaps.

Speaker 1 Thank you for your service.

Speaker 1 Bubba? Bubba, what's your tolerance? Lots. I can drink a lot.

Speaker 1 Would you say a zillion beers?

Speaker 1 We lost Bubba in New Orleans, and we got back. Hank and I got back at like 3.30 in the morning, and we got a key to his room because he had all the equipment in there.

Speaker 1 And as we're standing in the front desk, someone with like so much fucking food was trying to call his room. And we're like, he was just totally passed out.
He ordered all this food passed out.

Speaker 1 out So I think that plays I like that move.

Speaker 6 Yeah, they did what did they do with it?

Speaker 6 We brought it up for him when I threw it out the next morning because he was too drunk to even wake up a weird move happened we went down to the Army-Navy game I went and I had a couple drinks at the hotel bar and went back to my room It was probably 10 o'clock.

Speaker 6 I had like two or three beers and went back up to the room Somehow, the staff at the hotel was so sneaky, like the chef there was a stoolie, I guess. I woke up in the hotel the next day.

Speaker 6 They had different types of gourmet popcorn on the desk and like all this different beef jerky and shit.

Speaker 1 Someone came in while you were sleeping. Yes, and it was like a huge spread.

Speaker 6 And I was like, that's really nice.

Speaker 1 I was like, but that's also really weird. You can give some blackout fairy came in.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Because I was like, I was basically naked underneath the sheets, and I had no idea what she was doing.

Speaker 1 You could have been cranking off.

Speaker 6 Yeah, what if I was fucking jerking my dick in there?

Speaker 1 That happens every now and then where someone will like, like someone who works in a hotel will leave

Speaker 1 a nice bottle of champagne. But not, yeah, but no.

Speaker 1 Do you think there are like Dan Katz's out there who've gotten

Speaker 1 just by bank error in their favor? Yeah, they're like the Michael Bolton guy from Austin. Yeah, right.
They walk up and they're like, oh, you're

Speaker 1 not big.

Speaker 1 Never mind. It's like some 75-year-old dude.

Speaker 6 They're like, we're huge fans of the podcast. I'm like, what?

Speaker 1 Going back to the first part of that roast, when it said that Big Cat was a guy that would stand up without wiping and leave, that actually, it's occurred to me.

Speaker 1 I've thought, what would I do if I found myself in a situation you're in a bathroom stall in public? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's say you are wearing no underwear. Well, you're me on these.

Speaker 1 No, for whatever reason, you're not wearing any underwear. Okay, so just your jeans.

Speaker 1 There's no toilet paper. There's no cardboard roll that even comes along with it.
You take a poop. How do you, what do you do? You bidet yourself.

Speaker 1 You just scoop it up. You scoop it out of the water.

Speaker 1 That's a terrible visual.

Speaker 1 You think you have to bideteth yourself. I think that's not the same thing.

Speaker 6 So you can't bidet yourself with pooped water.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, you can.
So you flush and then you flush. The flusher isn't broken.
Yes, you can do that. And flush is broken.
You put the poop back up in your butt and carry on with your day.

Speaker 1 I would say maybe you take a sock off. Yeah.
And just sock it up. Yeah.

Speaker 6 But what if you're wearing a flip-flop?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 You're naked. Flip-flops and no underwear.

Speaker 1 I get a job. You're at a pool party and you have to go back in the pool.

Speaker 6 How many wipes until you just give up and get into the shower?

Speaker 1 Like if you have just real thick. Oh,

Speaker 1 go to the next one. Like you spilled spilled

Speaker 1 it. No, you guys open the door, not me.
Like, you just close it. Yeah.
Like you dump caramel sauce in like a door

Speaker 1 like a door. Close the door.
Close the door. Yeah.
Yeah, I think you just light the bathroom on fire. All right.
Is this the last one? Last one.

Speaker 6 PFD is built like a twin-sized mattress.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I'm going to choose to take that as a compliment. It's not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's... Those mattresses are at least like six...
six feet. Yeah, they're real.
I can't, like, I don't go head to toe on a twin-sized mattress. Yeah.
That's a big upgrade. I don't either.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're good. Thank you.

Speaker 1 You want to leave us with one last big-time Tommy?

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a couple you missed, too. You could go back.
Yeah, go back. Do one last one.
We like having one last one, big time Tommy.

Speaker 1 It's hard.

Speaker 6 Every other way that I got it, I can't find where it is whenever I go out.

Speaker 5 Doing another review. Hank looks like he works in a dispensary that lets 16-year-olds in with their older brother's ID.
PFT looks like he plays an unusual African instrument in the New York subways.

Speaker 5 Big Cat looks like a lesbian that holds hands with anyone that walks next to him.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good. That's really good.
That's pretty good. All right, finish this off with the inspirational Big Time Tommy, and we'll see everyone on Monday.
Okay, here we go.

Speaker 5 Hey, what's up, award-winning listeners? Another motivational quote to take you into your weekend.

Speaker 5 If it's not going to matter in five years, don't spend more than five minutes being upset about it. That's the old school way.
OS for life.

Speaker 5 Take it easy.

Speaker 1 Love you guys.

Speaker 1 That's the old school way. Not worrying about stuff.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for your love up.

Speaker 1 Today

Speaker 1 you're mine.

Speaker 1 Drink on me. Take me.