Big Cat Had A Baby, NBA Draft, Jimmy Tatro Interview, Mt Rushmore With Jon Taffer

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we have Jimmy... How do you say his last name? Tatro.
Tatro. I said it wrong in the interview and I felt like such an asshole because he's awesome.
Maybe Hall of Fame or Mount Rushmore are the funniest guys that we've ever interviewed. Yeah, he's very cool.
He blazes. Yeah.
Dude, do you blaze, bro? Not as much as him. Do you even burn, bro? I asked him that, Hank.
I asked him that. You weren't there, but I asked him that.
We have Jimmy Tatro. His new season just got announced.
New season just got announced. We have John Taffer, Mount Rushmore with him.

We have Jilly Football, NBA Draft, and I had a child.

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Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence. And then a lot of stuff is worth to be done.
No place to hang out or wash in. And then I lot of stuff work to be done No place to hang a little washing And then I can't blame all on the sun Oh no We're gonna rock down to electric avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh we're gonna rock down to electric avenue And thenA.
It's part of my take. Presented by Barstool Sports.

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Today is Fri-yay, June 21st.

Do I sound any different because I'm a father?

You do sound a little different.

This is the first show where one of us is a father.

That we know of.

That we know of.

I'm going father? You do sound a little different. This is the first show where one of us is a father.

That we know of.

That we know of.

I'm on very little sleep, but I'm here to talk about it and the NBA draft and Jimmy... Tatro.

Tatro.

Fucking awesome guy.

I want to be friends with him.

But we have all that.

Should we talk about the fact that I have a child?

I think we should probably get started with that.

Somebody pointed out to me that exactly nine months ago is when I started doing the Velveeta ad reads in a sexy voice. Damn.
Might have put you right in the mood. Also right around the double doink days.
No, no, no. That's a Khalil Mack trade, Hank.
Not good with math. Not good with math.
Yeah, that was in January. That was in January, but close enough.
You'll have to forgive Hank. It's been like two parades for him since then.
I think the Bears beat the Seahawks Monday Night Football week 2 someone found that so yeah I have a child it was fucking crazy I don't really know what to say other than it was fucking crazy like it was congrats thank you to everyone by the way who's reached out and said nice words also thank you to like the two or three barstool haters that reached out and somehow looked at a picture of a newborn baby that was one day old and was like fuck this baby and was like is he gonna be a douchebag like his dad so those people like i respect it i respect i respect the commitment to the hate the brain is so broken i actually want to interview you like how can you look at a newborn baby and be like fuck this yeah so shout out those people too um so yeah it was crazy i uh like a lot of people say that you know the the day your child is born is the best day of your life i don't i don't know if i'm gonna put it there just because i think it was just the craziest day you're a prove it guy the baby hasn't done anything yet to earn that it was more like the craziest wildest experience of my life i was you guys know i am not uh one who uh is silent often a lot of a lot of jokes wise ass yeah so i was making a lot of jokes in the delivery room i was fucking i had everyone rolling uh it was like you know night at the apollo they say laughter is the best medicine so you were you were patch adams in there at one time was like, Doc, let's do, like, how many more pushes you think it's going to take over under? Like, that one didn't really land. But anyway, I was trying.
And then the baby came. And I was completely silent for a half hour and just crying like a baby.
So they were like, you want to hold it? Couldn't speak. Just the words, like, you know when you can't speak but really not lebron

no words actually no words where i could not form words i was just stunned and like holy shit this is my baby um and yeah it was a very very crazy cool experience shout out to lady cat who's an absolute warrior i told you before the show i think i'm gonna gonna retire making jokes about how eating a lot of wings on Sunday is like pregnancy. Because what women go through, holy shit, man.
I'm going to continue to make those jokes until I'm proven otherwise. Yeah, it is.
They are so much stronger than men. It's crazy.
Yeah. Crazy, crazy.
Like, I was tired after the whole thing, and I did nothing. No, you did a a lot you stayed in the hospital i stayed north of the border i also move the doctors were on to me because i kept on saying um am i in the way am i in the way do you need me to leave uh trying to get excused from the room because i was like freaking out and i'm i wasn't dealing with it well and they're like no you're fine because i was actually standing in the corner as far away from everything as possible.
Right. They're like, you're fine.
Stop asking that, dude. Was he crying? So the baby doesn't cry right away, which is scary as hell.
Yeah. And then it starts crying.
And you're like, oh, thank God. And then you're like, just.
You want to hear it cry. Yeah, right.
Exactly. Exactly.
So he's been sleeping really well. And we're going to do the Evergreen show on Sunday so that I can.
i was telling you guys too like when you when the baby's born you're at the hospital and it's just everyone's there to help so i figured i'd come in do the show now because once i go home tomorrow i think i'm gonna have my oh fuck i have to keep this thing alive moment on saturday you're gonna wake up and there's gonna be a baby in your house yep and you're not gonna you not going to have any help with it. Correct.
You're going to be like, I need to do something to keep this baby alive today. Right.
Don't have to go to the gym, though. That's a good thing.
Yeah. No, you have a get out of exercise free card for quite some time.
I wrote down a few other things I wanted to. So, yeah.
So, there's help everywhere in the hospital. So, essentially, the hospital for me became just a sports book because I had a TV, all the channels, and I was just betting on every game because I had nothing to do.
Normal. Right.
I had nothing to do. It was kind of nice.
It's just a sports book that smells a little different. It's good that you were doing that because if you were super, super attentive and not focused at all on sports or on your phone, people would have been like, there's something wrong with them.
Right. There's something.
What's going on? You need to tell me what's happening because you're freaking me out. So it's good.
Normalcy, it brings a little bit of calm to everybody in the situation. Right.
I'm not going to be one of those dads like, I don't want my kid to see the bad side. No, we're going to bet on games right away.
No, the baby has to know. And you know what? It's actually responsible of you from a fiscal standpoint to continue betting, if not more so than you were before, because the baby might be good luck.
Right, right. So he's not, but yes, he could have been.
He might be. He could have been.
He might be. Did not do well tonight, but he could have been.
I was hoping I was going to get some of that Fred Van Vliet magic. Tomorrow's a new day.
Not exactly what I was looking for. I was hoping that we were going to rattle off some winners but either way yeah the hospital becomes a sports book not that bad um and yeah the whole thing is crazy i don't really uh i don't i don't really know what else to say i mean i'm a day old dad so to pretend that i know anything is would be stupid and i think i'm just gonna learn on the fly like people keep asking me if i've took take classes about like diaper oh i did change my first diaper before i came very well that was your first diaper on your baby yes correct correct so i did do that and uh i think i fucked it up but the nurse was like it's okay i'll handle this so uh but i did try to change a diaper that's all that you can one of the book and the only other thing i wrote down was uh i had a moment where i was i didn't sleep for like 48 hours or whatever it was.
And I was just staring at my baby. And I think I got a little high.
And I was like, how do people believe in fate? That's fucked up. Because, like, you're looking at this baby and people who believe in fate would think that that baby, whatever is going to happen in his life, has already been determined.
Yeah. That's wild.
Yeah. Nature versus nurture.
Right. That's wild.
That's the original rust versus rest debate. Right.
So I was just looking at it like, how do you look at a baby and think fate is real? That baby is destined for something. I feel like that's a common thing, though, that you hear.
People are like, my baby was born, and then everything changed. I don't think anything changed.
But in Blow, when he was addicted to coke, then his baby was born, and then it helps. it helps not obviously you're not that extreme no i gambled right away so that didn't change it helps some people that are like i don't know it just it's one of those things where it just yeah people like i don't mind gets going i don't think it changed i don't think i'm not going to be one of those guys like oh my god everything just changed like that obviously things will change but it was more just the craziest experience in my life like i've jumped out of a plane not to brag that's whatever just it's kind of cool but i'm not bragging i've done sung sung the anthem in front of you know thousands upon thousands of people uh collectively not all at the same time probably only a thousand at one time uh but this one is the craziest moment so this is it crazy i had it i was on espn2 at 1 a.m yeah let's not forget But this is the craziest moment.
So this is it. Crazy.
I was on ESPN2 at 1 a.m. Yeah, let's not forget that.
But this is the craziest moment. Yes, this is some real responsibility that you have.
Yeah. Oh, future me is ass in the jackpot.
Yes, absolutely. So did you gain any dad strength yet? I have not benched yet.
Okay, we need to check that. I would like to bench.
I want to do like a full study on whether dad strength is a real thing. 350 probably.
Okay. I'm going to throw that out there.
350. That's about 300 more than before.
So yeah. Yeah.
350. I'd say dad strength is a thing.
Yep. I had a theory that you're more fertile than I am because you said that you had sex in the dark only.
Yeah. So maybe having, maybe sperm, they're.
And shirt on. They're affected by light.
Yeah. I only use the lights because it helps me find out which hole.
Yeah, that's true. But for you, I think that might have something to do with the fertility issue.
Yeah. So you probably got to turn off the light now.
Turn off the light so that my sperm can find their way home. Can grow.
Yes. No, I don't want to kid you.
I'm going to live vicariously through your child for a little bit. Do it.
I was a little upset this morning. Yeah.
Because your baby is already funnier than I am. Went viral.
Because it was born at six pounds and nine ounces. How about that? That's my best material, and your baby already cucked the shit out of me.
When they said that, I laughed so hard. That was actually the first noise I made after the baby was born, and everyone just looked at me like, what is your problem, man? You're crying, and now you're laughing? Are you deranged? Yeah.
Whatever. It's fine.
Yeah. So your baby's already a real hoot.
That's great. Also, 619-19 is a pretty baller birthday.
You're going to get some Father's Day birthdays for that kid. Yeah.
Which is going to be great for you and terrible for him. Maybe a US Open kind of situation.
Oh, yeah. Father's Day, US Open.
I might have to get into golf. Uh-huh.
Absolutely. I don't give a fuck.
So, yeah. So then your baby started trending on Twitter.
That's great. Very cool.
I had like 140,000 likes on that. Yeah.
Darren Revelle made a really cool account for your baby. Socially awkward.
Which immediately got deactivated, thank God, because that's the creepiest thing they've ever seen. You know what? You should have responded to him.
Darren, this is not your content. Like he responded to Jake when Jake filmed him pulling his hamstring.
You know what, though? Credit to Revelle. He never deviates from who he is.
No, he is who he is. But he is a piece of shit.
Yeah, didn't reply with a completely socially awkward tone deaf response. Yeah.
I'd be like, what's wrong, dude? If he just replied, congratulations. That'd be weird.
That'd be weird. Someone hacked him.
Very strange. He had to be weird about it.
So, yeah. So, your baby got a little under my skin.
So, I decided that I would do a little something to welcome him into this world. Okay.
And I'm going to roast your baby. Let's do it.
Because I'm punching up. Because he's funnier than me and he trended on Twitter.
So, I feel like. He actually trended like three times.
I feel like he's fair game. Dad cat, little cat, and congrats big cat.
Yeah. Which all are attributed to him.
Yeah. So, he's fair game for me to take down.
He's ripe for a take down. He is..
This baby has had it too good for too long, so I wrote a few notes here. He's living on Easy Street.
Can you put the Seinfeld music in, like some nice stand-up comedy stuff? Wow, little Cash App cats. Welcome to the world.
I'm so glad you could make it. Can't wait to meet you.
When you were born, the doctor said, 10 toes and 10 fingers. Well, for now, until your dad starts to get confident about the Texans not winning the Super Bowl again.
That's good. Well, Dan, you know, you've changed already since becoming a dad.
Me and you, we used to be on the same team. You said that we'd never get rid of cable TV for live sports.
And the second little Yoko Ono cats made his way into this world, you ran for a pair of scissors and you cut the cord. Speaking of belly buttons, your dad's is so deep, little cat, that he needs a damn three-foot-high gate around that thing in case he falls asleep with you on his lap so you don't fall in.
He needs to get a belly button ring so you can belay your way out of that cave in case you get trapped down there. So be careful.
It's a scary world. I saw that swaddling job that your dad tried to put on you earlier, and folks, I haven't seen coverage that atrocious since they trusted chris conti to protect the seam oh now that's too far you know little cat you and your dad have a lot in common you both have to eat 12 times a day or else you get grumpy you both cried when you had to leave the friendly confines to live in new york and neither one of you has gone a few hours without pooping yourself.
And I know your family loves you very much.

They've gone ahead.

They spent a lot of money baby proofing the house, which is ironic because your dad would

be a lot richer right now if Mary and Barbara had run directly into a corner.

Speaking of spending a lot of money on pointless safety, have you heard about this Chris Conte

guy?

Oh, my God.

Hey, little cat.

Tell you what.

You might think you're hot shit, but I'm faster than you.

I know more words than you.

I've seen just as many nipples as you have. I'm currently taller than you, and I've got almost as much facial hair as you.
By just about any measurement, I'm more of a grown-up than you are, so let me give you some advice. Your dad's a great guy, and you have a lot to learn from him.
Watch how he treats people, and you try to do the same. Watch how hard he works so that you can have a great life.
Watch how your dad sets goals and works tirelessly towards them. So when you set a goal, always try to hit it.
But try not to hit it so hard that it bounces off that goal and hits another goal and falls meekly to the ground as the Philadelphia Eagles celebrate on your home field. Welcome to the world, little kitten.
Oh, fuck. That was good.
That was really good. I've always wanted to roast a baby.
That was good. I appreciate the words.
The Chris Conti jokes were too far. That was over the line.
Disagree. That was over the line.
Larendl Cobb got over the line. That was too.
And Marion Barber, you should love Marion Barber because he did start Tebow Mania. I do.
Yeah. That was a big thing.
It was a direct butterfly effect to Tebow Mania. By the way, I saw Tim Tebow's slash line the other day.
It looks awful. It looks like somebody with two followers on Twitter, the ratios that they would end up with.
Are you giving up on him? No, I'm never giving up on Tim Tebow. Never.
I will never give up on Tim Tebow. That's my word.
Okay, so yeah. So I had a baby.
I'm here right now, so if you're going to do the people, I get it both ways already. Like the people I did my hit on with my guys, Waddle and Sylvia in Chicago.
And someone replied, you didn't even do your own fucking show today, dude. And then someone else, I tweeted something and they're like, dude, spend time with your newborn.
It's like he's sitting right next to me and he's sleeping. Should I wake him up and be like, hey, man, guess what? The Hawks just traded up.

No, it's good for your baby to learn all the weird stuff that you hate already. Like that stuff needs to seep into his system.
How will the baby affect the immediate programming of the show? Won't. Except for Sunday.
Sunday we're running. Actually, Sunday is actually probably one of my favorite episodes we ever taped.
It's going to be good. taped a life

episode with Ryan Roussel

and Mark Titus where we're sitting in

our house in santa monica venice beach grittier uh and we talked about our lives and basically advice to our younger selves yeah and then we did a mount rushmore of things that we think that we are elite at yeah i definitelyshared. So sometimes I get accused of not sharing enough.
Yeah, we all overshared. I definitely went way deeper into my personal background than I think I ever have before.
And so did Rusillo, too. And so did Rusillo.
Listen, I don't know if you want to get that deep inside Rusillo's brain. A true, true.
You have brought up the thing that PFT said, like, at least five times since that moment. Not to me, but behind my back.
No, no, to you. Oh, okay.
No, he said it. I have a bad memory.
Yeah. We have video, so people will be able to see it on gold, but it was one of the funniest.
Yeah. It was a draw.
It was a draw. Yeah, it's an awesome episode.
So, Sunday, we're going to do that. So, it will be an evergreen show.
Oh, yeah. Breaking Moose.
Breaking Moose, Hank.

Breaking Moose.

Bull Bull was just drafted by the Miami Heat with the 44th pick.

Sheesh.

That was a yikes.

He was a top five pick before the year.

Look at that suit that he's wearing, the spider web on the suit.

Here's the cool thing, though.

A little nod to his dad, the original Daddy Long Legs.

Yeah, that picture of his dad in the pool that's probably the coolest picture of all time trended again. That is, yeah, great news.
So that is cool. All right, a quick PSA.
Do not give dogs chocolate milk, okay? Just want to get that straight for everybody. There was some disambiguation that we need to clear because Hank didn't know about raising a puppy.
So Hank, we're going to do the same thing that we did in the past where we have you tell a story or invent a sentence out of the words that chocolate milk gave us.

This week's words are replenish and dichotomy. So, Hank, tell us a story about recovery that ideally won't lead to the killing of beloved household pets.

The words are replenish and dichotomy.

Give me a quick hint about dichotomy.

Nope.

Nope. I'll spell it for you.
D-I- O T O M Y. Bulbul.
Great story. Love to watch him play.
His knees need to be replenished. Yeah.
I'm blanking on. No, you got it.
Just do it. I got it.
be replenished or else he'll have a bad dichotomy. He'll have a bad dichotomy.
Yeah. That's fair.
That's good. Many doctors are saying that there are questions about his dichotomy that popped up on the MRI.
What do they do for a dichotomy? They just scope it? Aspirin. There's not a lot.
You just wrap it. Rice.
Rest, ice, compression, and elevation. Yeah.
Yeah. Rice.
Which isn't a problem for him. Did you just look it up? What do you got? You want to try it again? No, it's good.
We're good. Okay.
Okay. When a natural break comes to wrap up the story, end by saying, learn more at builtwithchocolatemilk.com.
And that was a natural place to end that conversation. Okay.
So, Bull Bull just got drafted. So, back to our quick programming notes.
So, Sunday, we have an evergreen awesome episode. It's going to be life advice to our former selves with Ryan Russillo and Mark Titus can I just say I was going to tape the plan was I was going to tape all the ads for that Monday show yeah tonight but you came in so you're going to do them yeah we'll do them together verbal meme of me uh getting ready to introduce Monday's show on my own uh Brock Osweiler going to the bench to get his helmet and Peyton Manning running running back onto the field and not letting me say let's go that's good that's good uh yeah so that's gonna be a good show on sunday and then we're back to regular and then july 4th oh yeah july 4th week we always do we're gonna do a best of on the wednesday before july 4th so july 3rd and it will be one of those like three hours you can binge it if you want in one day or if you have to work on friday quit your job right now yeah i love it and also if you're down in uh miami i'm gonna be down there for the dnc next week for the debates so there's one thing that the political world's been missing recently and that's a presence from part of my take so i'm gonna go down there and try to get some content if you are in the know in miami and you have any movers and shakers, slide in the DMs.
Get in there. Get in the DMs.
All right. So that's baby.
Baby happened. I'll probably say a couple of anecdotes here and there when I fuck up, but I'm going to keep trying to make a good show for everyone.
Are you going to cry more? I feel like you're going to cry more. When you have a baby, I watched the draft tonight.
All these all these dads crying. Yeah, let's get into it.
But there is one thing I will do. Every now and then, PFT, I will have to pull the dad card and be like, well, you don't see it the way I see it.
As a father. Yeah.
Yeah. Listen, once you have a kid, you'll understand what it means.
And perfect segue because, yeah, it was the parents draft. Draft tears are the best tears in the world.

They are pretty solid tears.

They are the best tears.

Zion.

You got to see different perspectives of draft tears, too.

Like Zion, obviously, his eyes were bloodshot red when he got there because he had already been thinking about the moment, obviously.

And then all the parents were crying the entire time.

It's like life-changing tears.

It's like watching NoSean Moreno during the national anthem.

Like really good, passionate tears. Yes.
And you can't help but feel good for him. I have a question for you guys.
Is Zion Williamson the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years? The most beloved. I'm talking about everyone loves him.
I can't remember a guy getting drafted, especially from Duke. And we talked about this when Duke was playing this past year, where he goes above Duke where you find yourself rooting for him, even though you don't want Duke to win.
But if you looked at Twitter, everyone's like, man, this is awesome for Zion. And he goes to a franchise that, listen, I think the Pelicans are going to be good.
I know New Orleans has very passionate sports fans, but it's not a hateable franchise.

So if he went to the Knicks, if he went to the Lakers, if he went to the Warriors or the Celtics or the Sixers, people could hate him.

But the Pelicans, they are not threatening in that manner.

So I think he might be the most beloved athlete in terms of like universally.

I'm not talking about one fan base loves you know one fan base loves tom brady or aaron rogers or all these i'm talking about universally sports fans it feels like everyone's rooting for some chris anderson because he played on so many teams that everybody loved the shit out of him i just can't think of anyone i can't usain bolt but that's kind of different that's different michael phelps but that's kind of but even mich Michael Phelps had haters. Usain Bolt was universally lost.
Yeah. That's true.
Everyone was just rooting because... Because they wanted to see something special.
Right. And people don't watch track otherwise.
Right. So it's not like they're rooting against their favorite teams or whatever.
So then my second part of this question is, who will be the first to cross the picket line? To hate Zion? Max Kellerman? Skip? Yeah. You know what? Probably Skip.
It's going to be one. It's going to be Skip.
It's going to be the hottest take of all time when they say Zion sucks for this reason. I don't think that Max is going to do it.
Max is going to be the second person to do it, which is going to open the floodgates. Oh, I think it's all going to turn.
Really? By mid-season next year? Yeah. If he doesn't perform right away, which he probably isn't.
I don't know. Oh, yeah.
It's the second person that starts a trend. Like, if you go to a concert, you see one guy stand up and start dancing like a weirdo, everybody just looks at that person and they're like, that guy's a weirdo.
The second person that gets up and joins him, then all of a sudden everyone's like, oh, this is a thing that we're doing. Right.
So I think it's going to be Skip that starts the trend. He's going to test the waters early in the season and be like, I think Zion's going to have trouble staying under 300 pounds.
See, I don't think he's going to be hated, Hank, the same way that other guys get hated right away because, one, he seems like a very, very good guy. Like just everything you read about him, everything you see on video.
Sort of LeBron. No, listen, but hold on.
He has that perfect balance of can wow you with dunks and blocks and all this stuff,

but he is one bad weekend away from being fat.

So he becomes relatable in that sense.

We can start with the nitpicking.

No, I don't want to nitpick Zion just yet.

I'm just saying it's numbers based.

I'm ready.

Oh, I'm ready.

And if he's not performing at a high level.

We have actually.

Yeah, we have nitpick Zion before.

I've got some takes that are ready to go.

How about his draft suit? You want to start there? The draft suit was good. He's wearing white.
It's the summertime. No tie.
He's allowed to wear white. You're not allowed to wear white because you're not a virgin.
That's true. But yeah, I liked it.
I like the no tie because as the draft went on, they interviewed him like two hours later and he looked like he had just come out of Miami nightclubclub at four in the morning. He had the button all the way almost down to pass his nipples.
That guy's been partying. It looked good.
It was a good evolution of a draft night suit. Yeah, that's the look of a guy that was at a wedding that's walking out at like 1 a.m.
with a champagne glass. He's a little sweaty.
Yeah, tell you what, it's after Shout

carrying his girlfriend's shoes.

Shout just got done playing on the dance floor,

and the Cupid Shuffle hasn't been played yet.

That's the zone that Zion looked like he was in.

He didn't have the best suit of the night, though.

I think the best suit of the night,

Garland's robe that he rocked up there.

Yes.

The flowing robe.

Yep.

That was very, very nice, very tasteful.

That was nice.

He looked like he was in the polyphonic spree.

Yep.

Kobe White with the big hair hat picture, which always plays. By the way, just as a side note, the Bulls actually did something I agree with.
Baby Jordan. They drafted a point guard.
Yes. Another North Carolina guy.
They drafted a point guard when they needed a point guard. The Bulls roster, I actually like it because everyone fits.
And then I remember Jim Boylan's the coach. but Kobe White did say that he had his best conversation with anyone he met

with was with Jim Boylan. So that tells me that Jim Boylan did his soul check and Kobe White has a good soul.
He did a thing where he just looked into his eyes and knew. He looked directly through his soul.
That's what George Bush did with Putin. Yeah.
Got to read on him immediately. So I like that pick.
I actually like that pick. They didn't fuck it up.
Other things that I noted. Well, there was the trades.

David Griffin is on a heater. He's just

he is trading everything

and winning every trade.

So he traded out of the fourth pick

who came up. The Hawks came

up. The T Wolves also everybody moved around.

They all moved around for the same guy

like DeAndre Hunter or Jarrett Culver.

I mean, there's gone is obviously different,

but it felt like everyone moved around to get the fourth guy in the draft that they, on their board. Right.
I always forget, too, that you can buy second-round picks in the NBA. That's so weird.
Can you imagine if that happens? That's the Bulls play all the time. Just buy in and get a bunch of players.
The Bulls actually couldn't do it this year because they were already maxed out. Oh, really? That's why they didn't do it? Yeah, on selling their picks.
That's why they didn't do it this year? It's so weird. All the trades in the draft, I know we talked about free agency and the contract situations, mid-level exemptions, all that bullshit, but it's so confusing on draft night for me as a casual NBA fan watching it because I feel like the NBA is trying to make us smarter by how many rules they have, whereas I'm used to the NFL, which is actively trying to make us dumber based on how easy it is.
They have one thing that you have to remember, and that's the Jimmy Johnson draft value chart, which is just something that Jimmy came up with on a sailboat after like 13 daiquiris. And he was like, this is how much a draft picks worth.
And everybody agreed that they would do it in the NBA. You have to have like, you have to have a degree or be at like a janitor uh with racist friends in a basement at mit to figure out exactly what you're doing with your draft picks and what they're worth it's so hard that rob palenka couldn't figure it out they made a trade and they did the numbers wrong i can't believe that story is real me neither the fact that they made that trade and like wait what we don't have enough money now so relatable though it is so relatable is so relatable.
Because you just, it's almost like when your bookie texts you on Monday morning

and you've done the math in your head and then he texts you

and the number's way different.

And you're like, fuck.

Yeah, I screwed that all up.

That is literally what Rob Palenka is.

In my head, it was good.

Yeah, Rob Palenka is going through that moment.

He is having the worst Monday text from his bookie of all time.

Where he's like, wait, hold on. Double check your numbers real quick.
he went yeah let me yeah let me let me double check mine you double check yours then it comes back the exact same you're like shit it is that he went through what i went through on monday which is i was like i'll pay my bookie off all in full and then i tried to and then it was like we can't accept this many transfers over the course of a week yeah i was like shit that's that's that Palenka. Very relatable.
Very relatable. I would just want to make a note.
If we're going to talk about fathers crying at the draft, I think that we have to say it's pretty likely that next year when R.J. Hampton is drafted as a lottery pick.
We'll be there. We'll be there.
And I'm probably – the waterworks are just going to flow. I'm not going to be – I look at him like a son almost.
I just want him to get drafted before Cal's guys. Cal, a little bit more understated this year because PJ Washington, what, what do you go, like 13th or something? So that was the first one.
Tyler Hero, by the way, shout out to his dad, the most Milwaukee looking guy of all time. Yeah.
His neck was so large. He smelled like sausage through the TV screen.
And Tyler Hero is the least Milwaukee looking guy of all time. Yes, yes.
It's so good. It's so good.
Their combo. Maple Mamba.
That's a nickname. RJ Barrett going by the Maple Mamba.
Does he know how the Mamba came about? No. Okay.
All right. So then we'll just move on.
We'll move on. Okay.
Maple Mamba. Enough time has passed that we don't remember why Kobe became the Mamba.
Yes. Words change over the course of the years, and Mamba mentality just means good at basketball.
That's all it means. That's a weird one if you know the backstory.
I guess the Maple Mamba, RJ Barrett, was probably five years old when Kobe transformed into the Black Mamba. The Maple Mamba.
That's a poisonous Canadian snake. Yes.
It's just when you lose your hockey stick up in a tree. That's the maple mamba.
The snake comes and licks you a little bit. Yeah.
It's a little annoying. It tastes a little sweet.
Yeah. The Wizards.
Yeah. Drafted a new best friend for Dwight Howard.
Oh. So the first Japanese player to ever be drafted in the NBA history.
Rui Hachimura. Yeah.
Rui Hachimura. His name literally means baseball base.
Did you know that? Yes, I did. In Japanese.
So he's literally the safest pick in the draft as far as I'm concerned. Yep.
He will be friends with Dwight Howard. That's all that they need.
They just need somebody that does. I feel like every team that has Dwight Howard on it, all they have to do in the draft is just pick somebody that doesn't hate Dwight Howard yet.
Right. And just give him a buddy.
Give him 20 games and he will probably. Yeah, give him 20 games and that'll be fine.
I wrote this down, Hank. Oh, wait.
I have one more note about Hachimura. Yeah.
The big upside on him was when he came over to Gonzaga and he started playing, he was very upset at his teammates because they would lie sometimes in games about when they got fouled or who the ball went off. And growing up in Japan, he was more honorable.
You can't do that. He had never heard of that before.
So he would get mad. He was the living embodiment of that commercial where the kid's like, coach, it went off and he growing up in Japan he was more honorable and he had never heard of that before so we get mad he was the living embodiment of that commercial where the kids like coach it went off me we got to give the ball to the other team right play it fair yeah he's basically the the tony the tiger commercial they play right after the little league world series ends yes he's sportsmanship catch it and you mentioned how the bulls looked into your guy's eye and they're like okay this guy is going to be my guy.
The Wizards never met with him. I actually like that.
He had no idea the Wizards were going to draft him. You could have at least gotten Michael Jordan to come up and play one-on-one against him.
I think it's complete. The draft workouts and all that stuff, I think it's overrated.
I kind of like that. Because who knows? Maybe he's an awesome guy and it's better to just not meet him.
Right? Yeah. Who knows? Yeah.
You could be pleasantly surprised. The only upside to this pick is that Grunfeld didn't make it.
Yeah, there you go. So there's room for excitement there.
That's big. The other thing I wrote down, Hank, I had one last thing I wanted to ask you.
We're running pretty long on time, so I don't know. Yeah, so the second time, PFT, the second time in history, okay, in draft history.

A long episode.

Since, I think, actually ever, but it might have happened in like 1960 when there was fucking five colleges.

Yeah.

Three picks in the top ten from one school.

Wow.

The last time that happened, University of Florida. Corey Brewer, Joakim Noah, and Al Horford.
A dynasty of a team. They won two titles.
Yep. So Duke had three picks in the top ten.
They must have won the title this year. Absolutely.
Well, if they had come back, they definitely would have won again. Wait, wait.
They must have won the title. They were juniors when they left.
They must have. They didn't win their freshman year.
That had to have happened, right? Wait, were they competing

against other juniors at the time, or were they

competing against freshmen? They must have. I think it was like

other juniors, right? So in this case, it was

all these young guys competing

against other guys. So what you're saying is that

Duke had a lot of talent this year.

Yeah. But they were somehow out

coached in their own conference by

another team. Hold on.
They had to have at least

gone to a Final Four, right? Almost. Oh, what? They didn't? One free throw away.
Damn. That's crazy.
Three picks in the top ten. That's crazy.
I don't know how that happens. I bring up Hank really quickly.
What were your thoughts on Al Horford? Because that happened after. Oh, no.
That's what. Yeah.
No. What? Al Horford? Yeah.
What happened? Not great. Okay.
Okay. That's what I thought you were talking about.
No, I was talking about Duke. I was making fun of Duke.
But Al Horford happened to be one of the three in the last time this has happened. Yeah, it's basically just like 2013 again for the Celtics.
Like, very, very quickly went from like, all right, maybe Kyrie's coming back. Al Horford's definitely coming back.
Maybe we can get someone else to like, holy shit, we're completely rebuilding. Like, we just stockpiled draft picks and are like going after miles turner what what what is life this league mike conley goes goes to the city of utah and free agency hasn't even started it's tough especially because it's like anthony davis basically disrespected boston then went to lebron yeah it's like anthony davis said fuck you to boston now everyone else is saying, fuck you to Boston.
Well, it's clutch. You must hate.
Like LeBron, the hate for LeBron has to have gotten even hotter because clutch is essentially saying that. Clutch is basically saying, Anthony Davis, you don't want to go to Boston.
Yeah. And also, let's give ourselves some credit on calling the whole Space Jam 2 thing.
Yes. If you saw that list of players that are interested in going out to the lakers um space jam two is just it's it's an excuse to pay players off the book big and avoid the salary cap palenka that's why he doesn't have to know anything about the salary cap all he has to know is lebron james's cell phone number and be like hey is the money good right okay awesome he's got a spreadsheet can you shave 10 million dollars off lola bunny's contract and funnel it to anthony davis Got it.
He didn't hit the right arrow over long enough in his Excel spreadsheet to see the Space Jam column. So he's like, oh, dude, it's on a fucking different tab.
You should have just hit it because you know that the money's there. It's in the Space Jam budget.
All he's hoping for is just that he'll be like Rob Lowe's stunt double. This is so Magic Johnson.
I need Magic Johnson to do like a 2 plus 2 equals 4 tweet or something like that i know basic math also shout out to woge for uh spoiling every single pick the draft didn't didn't think he was very good this year last year he was a lot funnier the thesaurus wasn't no wasn't as good as it was last year he wasn't he was a little something was up so woge i don't know last year was special this year okay uh let's do fire fest the week. Then let's get to our interview and some Mount Rushmore with John Taffer and Jilly Bean.
Hank, why don't you start with your Firefest? Sure. I'll go quickly.
But my Firefest was having a brain fart and thinking that the double doink was nine months ago. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Just thought of that on the spot. That sucked.
You take improv, eh? That was good. Yeah, that did suck.
That was tough. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
That's good, FireFest. Yeah.
I mean, well, the offseason, it does feel like it lasts longer, right? And in your defense... No, this is where I don't want to admit how dumb I am, but there was a short part of me that was like six months.
Yeah, no, in your defense, Hank, in your defense, it's not like the month of the year or number. Right.
Yeah was six months ago ish yeah right it was the months are numbered so hank just thought that six months was the gestation period of a human female if something happened in the first month in january one you can just do the numbers to know how many months it's been it's the sixth month of the year right now wait you're not going to start doing the thing where you talk about your kid and you're like, the baby's 94 weeks. Oh, two days old? My kid is 36 hours old right now.
No, fuck that. Fuck that.
Go ahead, PFT. Your fire fest.
My fire fest of the week is I ran into a little bit of trouble that I'm a little worried about on Twitter yesterday. And that is our new Twitter king, OJ Simpson.
Oh, God. Blocked me.
Good. Good.
He got rid of you. You don't need to be in this relationship.
Like I told you. It's bad.
Listen, no. He'll change.
Have you noticed all the people who are doing the OJ jokes that shit so bad? Well, I did notice that most of the jokes that people are making about OJ are very unoriginal. Mine, on the other hand, were funny, and they're very pointed.
OJ knows something about that. So he blocked me, and that means that my name has come across OJ Simpson's desk and that he is not happy with me.
He's got someone doing the block. I don't know.
Yeah. I don't know, because if you look at the tweets that he's liking, they're tweets that OJ Simpson would like.
There's no way. It's probably his lawyer because he's liked his lawyer's tweets.

I don't know.

I don't know what it is, but I'm a little unsettled by it.

But then I started thinking about it, and I was like, what if OJ murdered me?

Imagine the content that would come out of that.

If OJ Simpson actually murdered me, I would say that it'd be like 50-50 split in America.

50% of the people would be like, oh, I really miss PFT Comter. He was so attractive and great and awesome at everything and roasted babies so handsomely.
And then the other 50% would be, I am here for another O.J. Simpson murder trial.
People would be psyched for that. The problem is it's like sequels.
It's tough. The first one was so hot, and then part two, it's like, eh.
Yeah. Are we really going to do this again? I've seen this movie.
The documentary won a bunch of awards. If there was another documentary about you, it probably wouldn't because there was already the first one.
But we could, instead of Court TV, we could just stream it live on barstoolgold.com slash PMT. That's true.
Go download it right now. Watch all of our stuff.
This is my last living will and testament. If I get murdered by O.J.
Simpson, I want the entire trial. I want the entire murder, if possible, to only be available at barstoolgold.com slash PMT.
Yes, absolutely. Okay, my Fyre Fest.
I had a pretty good week, but I do have two Fyre Fests real quick. The first is MLB has embraced the fact that we have to eat each other's asses if Christian Yelich wins the Home Run Derby.
That was our last chance. If MLB said we can't let this event, the Home Run Derby, become an ass-eating event.
Yeah, the storyline. Yeah.
But they're leaning into it. It would be the storyline.
They're leaning into it, and that's a problem for us. I was hoping that someone, Bud Selig, was like, yo, we can't have these guys eating each other's asses.
We're out. We're out.
Christian Yelich, you can't do this. It's fine.
Just sit out. Say you have a back problem.
But no, they're going the other way. They're leaning into us leaning into each other.
And that is going to be a problem for us. It's a problem.
My other fire fest. So the baby was born.
So basically your job when the baby's born is just like, what do you need? I'll go out and get it. A block away from the hospital, there is a frozen yogurt stand.
So I've had five ice cream cones in the last two days. Yeah, you earned it, man.
And my stomach hurts so bad. You probably feel like you're pregnant.
Every time I've gone out like, oh, hey, do you need water? Okay, I'll go get us water and body armor and a quick baby. And then boom, ice cream cone.
Five. I've had five in the last two days.'ve just been and I haven't told anyone this is the first time I'm saying it I've just been eating ice cream non-stop and my tum tum hurts I like how big cat has gone in in 20 minutes from saying he's never going to complain about stomach pain from eating wings yeah to complaining about it immediately well I didn't compare it to pregnancy but if I were it's similar pain it's similar pain it's very.
It's very similar. It's cold.
It's a cold pain, too. You had the belly freeze.
I did one. Yeah.
That was tough. Yesterday, I did two like an hour apart.
That was a little excessive. A little bit much.
It was a little excessive. At that point, that's just stress eating.
Yeah, I mean. That's just like I don't know what to do, so ice cream makes me feel better.
Right. If everyone says, oh, the day your baby's born is the best day of your life, well, guess what? I better be eating ice cream because I love ice cream.
I have one more fire fest, and that's robots. Especially VAR robots in the World Cup, in the Women's World Cup.
Yes. It's ruining soccer.
It is. It is absolutely ruining it.
I'm actually the mindset that I'm out on instant replay across the board. I think we've gone too far.
Welcome. We've gone too far.
Welcome to the good side. I've been saying it.
Fuck the robots. We need to complain about refs.
Fuck the robots. First, you know what? We applaud Kawhi Leonard.
We tell him how great he is. Next thing we know, robots have ruined the game of soccer.
Yep, absolutely. Okay, let's get to our interview, and then we'll do some Mount Rushmore and Jilly Bean.
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Okay, here he is. Jimmy Tatro.
Okay, we now welcome on someone who's actually a lot of people requested when we made our trip out to LA. It is Jimmy Tatro.
You know him from American Vandal. You know him from all his YouTube.
He's an actor, comedian, writer. He's got a new movie coming out July 12th.
Yeah. Stuber.
Stuber. What is that about? Stuber is about an Uber driver who picks up a cop, and the cop is trying to chase a guy down.
And the Uber driver is kind of a pushover, and the cop ends up convincing this guy to basically drive him around all night trying to capture this bad guy. Hell yeah.
It's like the transporter, except kind of updated. Yeah.
Who's in it? It's Dave Bautista and Kumail. Oh, that's right.
Yeah, Bautista. That's right.
Yeah, Bautista's actually great. I just watched it, and I thought it would be funny, but I was actually very pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed the movie.
Yeah, yeah. It came together really well, and it's only like 90 minutes.
Oh, that's perfect. Which is, I think, a perfect comedy movie time.
Yeah, because whenever they try to do like the, when you see 100 minutes, you know there's going to be 15 minutes where they're like this just stretches on they all fall in love for those 15 minutes you're like come on yeah there's i mean seeing under 100 minutes i'm instantly more likely to click it yes absolutely like i still haven't seen the revenant because every time i see two hours and 45 minutes i'm like shit i don't know if i have that much snow. It makes you cold watching.
That's the best part because you're like, I don't have enough time for this. And then you sit and watch like 15 office reruns.
Yeah, and I sit there on my phone watching stupid shit for two and a half hours. And I'm like, why did I just watch any of that? I should have just watched The Revenant.
How many times can you watch Leonardo DiCaprioaprio climb inside a bear carcass it's like okay the second time it happened that was cool

now it's like two hours in i haven't seen it any time oh spoiler alert oh he wins in the end he

climbs inside a bear so you don't have to see it now all right well yeah yeah well i mean it's been

out for a while sorry jerry yes i know i know i've missed the the any type of people being nice

about spoilers window yes on the revenant it's i it's fine um all right so i wanted to start with

Thank you. miss the the any type of people being nice about spoilers window yes on the revenue it's i it's fine um all right so i wanted to start with you getting into youtube because it's fascinating like you were an early adopter 2011 yeah 2011 yeah 2011 so what did you just graduate college and you're like graduated high school graduated high school and you started the youtube i mean i started kind of making them in 2010 in high school um it was just more random shit right stuff i was doing with my friends and i had in the back of my mind i wanted those videos to blow up and get 100 000 views i remember like the first video i posted in high school i would like sit there and open it in a bunch of different tabs and try to get my view count on myself.
Go to the school library, take every single desktop, and be like, yeah. I would just open a bunch of different windows.
And the video was at, between me and the real people who watched it, I had one at like 1,000 views. Oh, shit.
My trick was I used to go to the school library and I would make every single computer's home page my youtube page or like my website whatever that was and then whenever they got shut down they'd open up again boom new hit yeah oh wow hits on hits so when you started were you like this is going to be a career for me or you're just like i'm fucking around seeing where this goes no i kind of was honestly because my a friend of mine in college uh had a friend who was a professional tuber. You know, he was bringing in.
He was big on the tube. He was huge on the tube.
At the time, he was like in the top 10 tubers. Yeah, there were only 20.
Yeah, exactly. But he told me like what this guy was making.
And then I saw the guys. What even is that? I don't know.
Harrison Ford's about to crash another one. This is your city, dude.
What is that? Someone parasailing or something? That wouldn't be parasailing. That was like a plane, right? Yeah, that was a plane.
Over my house, the helicopter traffic is nuts. Is that because all the drugs you sell or what? I don't know.
I guess all the helicopter pathways just go straight over my house. What's up with all the car chases out here? I don't know.
I feel like that's like a staple of the afternoon news is there's always like a car chase being trailed by a helicopter. That's right here.
I don't watch the news, but everyone that does is like, man, there's some good car chases. Yeah, there is.
There was a huge one earlier this week with a huge RV. So wait, back to the YouTube the youtube yeah back to the youtuber uh yeah so i i heard this tuber was bringing in like 400k a month i watched his videos i didn't think they were good i had already made some videos in high school where

i was kind of trying to do this once i heard that and i started just kind of i was kind of developing

ideas in my head i wasn't putting them out um and then I got kind of inspired by a certain speech I heard. What was it? Honestly, it was this guy in my frat that was giving us...
It sounds so stupid, but we had these... You know when you're pledging you have like rituals there and i fucking hated every single one of these things but one of them was this thing where you go around the circle and everyone said their greatest desire in life like what do you at the core of you what do you want to do and i remember just saying what it was that i wanted to do everyone did and then at the end this guy just gave this speech like you guys all told me exactly what you want to do you all have the tools you need go fucking do it like that kind of a speech and i was like yes i'm gonna do this right now um and you think that guy i i have thanked him yeah okay because that was just.
Because that was just kind of like, I was going to do it, but that was really like a push forward.

Right.

Like, I got this.

And in my head, I was like, yeah.

I do have this.

So when you said it out loud, what exactly was it?

Were you like, I want to make people laugh, or I want to make movies?

What was it that you wanted to do?

At the time, it was just like, I want to make the whole world laugh kind of a thing.

I'm not sure that's exactly what it is at this point, but it's similar. Yeah.
It's something like that. I mean, you've got a pretty fucking big YouTube page.
You've been in some pretty funny shit. American Vandal.
You made a lot of people laugh. Yeah.
So you're there. You're like probably a tenth of the way there to the whole world.
A tenth? That's pretty solid. That's a lot of people.
They don't't have YouTube in China though. Yeah, you need to figure out a way to make China live.
You coup. Yeah.
Yeah. Get on top of that.
So at what point was it like, did it just blow up? She laughed. She thought I was like making a joke, but it's actually called YouCou.
No, it's actually called YouCou. Uncultured, Kelly.
Weibo, that's like their Twitter, right? The new one, I think Youku has since kind of is no longer cool. Not enough people like chugging glue on it.
I don't know what's hot out there. Because that's like the brick and mortar of YouTube.
It's like dudes, you know, like, remember Shunice who would like chug, he would chug like Elmer's glue and shit. And then also like the people who create fakes and static images.
What are deep fakes again? Deep fakes where you take somebody and you can create a computer animation of their face. And so it looks just like them.
You can have them doing anything. So it's like you can ruin somebody's career if you make a good enough deep fake.
No, that's concerning. Yeah, our big thing for our YouTube page is we like to do, like if something big happens in the news, like there was a mafia guy

who got shot

and killed in New York.

So we did a YouTube

like exclusive footage

of mafia boss getting shot.

And then it's just

a picture of him

and like us reading

his Wikipedia behind it.

You know how people

always like search it

and then they're like,

fuck, you got me.

But we got the counts.

We're going to have

like 100,000 views,

maybe like 12 up votes

and 2,000 down votes, but we still got the clicks. So is this an episode of Behind the Clickbait right here? Yeah, you should do that.
You should be like Batista's cock, exclusive footage from Stuber. Speaking of clickbait, I got a question for you because we're still feeling out this whole YouTube thing.
What's up with the YouTube thumbnails? Why do they always have that very certain aesthetic look?

It's like a clickbait thing.

That's like if you're doing a news story, that's your headline.

That's your attention-grabbing headline.

YouTube is kind of like the National Enquirer

in the sense that they just put the most ridiculous thing that you're most likely to click in the title and thumbnail um and you can do it like that that just has never really been my uh yeah my style right attractive female and then and then she's just not even in the video yeah that's a good one horny dudes you know what they do they make it look like these like candy almost it's like very attractive bright colors for kids right but yeah you know you bring up a good point because the stuff that you do is really well written really well produced it's very different from a lot of uh other i guess youtubers out there so like it was that a struggle for you to differentiate yourself be like yes i'm a youtuber but i'm actually putting out quality content that you might see you know on more traditional forms of media yeah it was because what i do doesn't really work that well on youtube i mean it did it's not like i didn't do well on youtube but there was always this pressure from like my manager and just seeing what did well to talk to the camera and do after the video, make sure to like and subscribe things. And it was all these things that I just didn't really feel right.
But it was what I was supposed to do on YouTube. It was like little things you could do that would help, they just didn't feel right so it's kind of hard for me to find that balance of what i'm comfortable doing that still works on youtube and i honestly never really found it that that much right um i still don't really know what that balance is yeah um which is one of the reasons I'm not really on YouTube right now.
Oh, okay. But you have the Real Boys.
Real Bros. Real Bros, sorry.
I was watching it. I was watching it on YouTube.
Well, season one's on YouTube. Okay.
But season two... Is on Facebook.
And season three will be on Facebook. All right.
So I have a question about the Real Bros and the characters you write there. First of all, you have a few guys you work with.
Do you guys all get together? And Nick Coletti and the other name is Blaine. I write the whole thing with Christian Pierce.
Okay. Just me and him.
So, yeah, that's who I write it with. We wrote all ten episodes last season.
So when you... Season one.
Yeah. So when you write these characters, how much of their...
Like, the character you write, is there, like, a little bit of truth in, like, you yourself? Or is it just people you have noticed in Southern California that you're kind of riffing off of? Yeah, it's more the people in Southern California. I wouldn't say there's any of me in, like...
Not even a little bit? Because we do the thing where we make fun of sports fans and like how stupid sports are but at the end of the day like i am kind of a guy who's like hey like throw it the fucking you know throw it the other guy you know in baseball or fighting hockey and shit like that yeah i mean i as far as the problems and the things that they go through most of the funny situations we come up with are based on real experiences or to a certain extent based on real experiences. But the mannerisms of the characters and the characters themselves, I don't relate to my character at all.
He's like the opposite of me. But a lot of times times i feel like if i'm playing a character it's either a version of myself or just the opposite version of myself it's either a stance that i like agree with or it's a guy that has a voice that i just completely disagree with so is it weird when when people come up to you like in public and they're like they're expecting you to be uh one of the real bros or yeah i mean honestly though i was talking about this with one of my friends the other day people have gotten so much cooler since um i first started off like when i first started on youtube it was everyone thought i was the frat guy right now i made these frat videos and i made the mistake of calling myself just using my real name jimmy you know like i said i called myself fucking todd right yeah brad but instead i called myself jimmy so it was like you know you come with me on the street start treating me like i'm that guy i'm like that's not really me and they'd be like well is your name not jimmy well no it is are you not in a frat well Well, no, I'm in a frat.
It's a character. It's not like every other frat.
Jimmy in the frat, not frat Jimmy. Totally different.
No, we do get that a lot ourselves, too. It's like I have a lot of fun playing a douchebag sometimes.
Yeah, it's fun. It is the most fun, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, it's a funny character to play. But people have since kind of they kind of get it now i don't know like i've it took me so long to just kind of get out of that being the frat guy in college right and i didn't do i mean i haven't done frat videos and it's been so long now so it's like i'm so far away from that and i think people realize you realize I'm writing these characters and directing the show.
I'm probably not that guy at this point. Are you going to do the thing where you go 180 degrees in the opposite direction and star in a psychological thriller or just a romance movie or something like that to get rid once and for all of the frat star thing i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't say 180 but i am i am kind of trying to diversify my portfolio a little bit i don't only want to do um comedy necessarily i i as far as acting goes i'm down to be in other stuff just comedy is what i'm you know what's kind of getting me in the door right now so you're

writing a screenplay what's it about right like uh are you thinking are you assuming i'm writing some kind of crazy yeah dark yeah i mean you said you either when you said you're diversifying your portfolio you're not just in a comedy i was like either he's buying a lot of bitcoin or he's writing a fucking screenplay.

Ethereum, baby.

Yes.

No, I like with writing, really.

Right now, I'm still... He's buying a lot of Bitcoin or he's writing a fucking screenplay.
Ethereum, baby.

Yes.

No, I like with writing, really.

Right now, I'm just writing comedies.

I'll get to a point where I'm interested in writing other stuff.

Yeah.

Right now, the comedy ideas in my head are all the priorities.

Right.

I just meant more with acting.

Yeah.

Because acting is something I'm not going to say I care less about, but when it comes to other people's stuff, I'm down to come in and play a different kind of character as opposed to writing it and dedicating a month towards writing something. Right.
How do you keep all the ideas in your head? How does the uh how does the creative process kind of work for you i know that's a lame question well i have like probably like 1400 notes in my phone like on the notes app okay you want to read some yeah i have some weird ones do it there's some that i read and i'm like i wrote that down at 3 a.m. Let's workshop it.

Let's workshop it.

Let's see. I got a lot of to-do lists in here.

I wrote a note down this morning at 4.

I woke up and I was like, oh, shit, I need to write some notes

because Jimmy Tatro is coming in.

Can I read you my idea?

Yeah, yeah.

You're going to hate it.

Definitely read me your idea.

It's very fratty.

It's the notebook, but you guys are – it's a frat and a little sister of the fraternity and she has dementia no no you have dementia and she has to keep updating your cooler that she designs for you your every week yeah she keeps up to remind you how you fell in love that one time that's that's good it's not bad, right? It's not bad. Okay.
He hated it. Let's see.
That's actually all I have. I mean, we can...
We can riff. Yeah.
You want to riff? We have a movie that we're out in market to. And you know Adam Sandler.
Currently? Yeah, you know Adam Sandler, so... Zac Efron's attached.
Yeah, Zac Efron's loosely attached. Wow.
Yeah, it's called Boner Dogs. Boner Dogs.
Yeah. Boner Dogs.
Zac Efron's loosely attached wow yeah it's called Boner Dogs Boner Dogs Zac Efron is loosely attached we have discussed it with him and he said sounds interesting well he was like yeah actually he was kind of he was really into it he looked us in our eyes that's what he did he was like I can tell that he's passionate about it yeah so I don't know if you want to get loosely attached, but actually, you already are loosely attached just by sitting here right now. Loosely attached is a good name for something.
Yes. Good band name.
We basically just pitch it to him, and then we're like, now you're loosely attached. Right.
Loosely attached. I think I want to name a movie that or an album.
Yeah. Maybe that's the movie.
You go around Hollywood, and you just tell the movie script to people, and then you go to the next person. It's like a pyramid scheme for a movie.
That's like – Loosely attached. Have you seen movie 43? No.
Dude, someone told me to watch that and I just threw it on last night because it was on Netflix. And that's kind of what it is.
It's a guy like explaining his movie concept. And it's like about a movie that fucking is ridiculous.
All his ideas are crazy. Like one of is Hugh Jackman, who's a bachelor guy, and he's on a blind date, and he takes his scarf off, and he has a ball sack on his neck, and it's him and Kate Winslet.
All the cameos are just A-list stars, but it's like this sketch about him at dinner spilling stuff on his ball sack chin my buddy he's like what the absolute fuck are we watching that's great that's a great idea actually we had an idea coming into this week this is at the tail end of grit week we do a road trip every year um i wanted to make a tv show based on the movie entourage. What are your thoughts? That took me a second.
I was like, oh, yeah. Got you.
Take it from the big screen. Put it on a small screen.
Adapt it. But it's not based on the TV show Entourage.
Yeah, it's not the TV show Entourage. It's the movie Entourage.
It's Entourage 3. Right.
Would that be 3? But it has nothing to do with the tv show no i love the what the problems were in entourage yes you know like if you think about you know you watch the episode and you think what was the problem they had to solve and it's like man fuck vince they want you to do aquaman and this other movie. But we don't know if you can do both.

And he's leaning towards not doing Aquaman.

It's like, wait, guys.

We figured it out.

Vince can do both.

He's getting $50 million.

All right.

Every episode ends like that.

That came together.

And then you put in there Turtle smokes a little weed.

Johnny Drama fights with a parking attendant. And he gets mad at his girlfriend.
And that's the show. You feel like you could just, like, you come up with a great, I saw someone actually used to write, like, entourage spec scripts as jokes, and they were all so on point.
So on point. Yeah, it's pretty good.
Like, Johnny Drama gets caught jerking off in a new place. Yeah.
Like, he has to smooth that out with the local officials. Yeah.
It's pretty basic stuff. Eric shows up.
What the hell are you doing, man? Yeah. What are you guys? Guys.
I didn't think they could see me. It's a two-way winner.
Ari's pissed off at his wife. Yeah, because you won't do anal or something.
Like something super graphic. They call Ari.
He's stressingoyd go to vince on set yeah it's vince is having trouble finding his inner character he's finding his character because he's having too much sex yeah you know he's having trouble finding his character because of all the sex he's been having with his new hot fling so what's the move move? Are you going to stop having so much sex? Or are you going to find your character, Vinny? Johnny Drama shows up and he says something really stupid, but it really resonates with Vince. And he's like, oh, there's my character.
There it is. I can have all this sex and get in character.
Problem solved. Turtle's pissed off because his new girlfriend used to date one of the other guys in the crew.

Yeah.

Right.

He can't get over it.

And he's just been playing too many video games.

Fuck.

We should definitely do Entourage 3.

You want to do Entourage the TV show?

Yeah.

Loosely attached.

You're in Loosely Attached.

Entourage the movie, the TV show.

Yes, exactly.

I looked up.

I did a lot of research on you.

I looked up your Urban Dictionary definition. Do you know what it is? Of Jimmy Tatro? Of Jimmy Tatro.
The fucking man. That's it.
Whoa. That's a pretty solid urban dictionary definition.
That's pretty sick. You didn't even get your chest shit on there.
Wow. I only submitted that like two weeks ago, so I'm surprised it's already up there.
The use it in a sentence example was like, who is Jimmy Tatro? Answer, the fucking man. That's pretty damn good.
And then I also dug really deep. I went back to your high school basketball career.
Oh, no. So did you know? I just Googled your name.
It was on the second page. Yeah, that's okay.
I want to clear some things up here. Okay.
Your max prep stats. Let's get into it.
Do you know how many points per game you average? Yeah. On there, I know what it says.
Okay. Because people have brought it up.
It says 1.7. I know.
I know. It's pretty good.
But you may have noticed there was only two games clocked. No, there were 10.
And they were both two bad games. Right.
So you were dropping. I'm not saying I was out here averaging 20.
Mm-hmm. I didn't.
My coach didn't really like me. We had not a great a great relationship.
Wait, fact check. I'm not, I'm not good at math, but I'm thinking if there were only two games, isn't that impossible to average 1.7 points per game? Cause I think it said there were 10.
Okay, fine. There were 10.
I can't do that. 10 points total.
No, no. 10 games, 1.7 points per game.
So I know I've, I, cause I looked into into this because people brought this up i like told a basketball story about the time i scored like it was a game where i had like 40 points people like were all hitting me up like you're lying you only average 1.7 points a game and i was like well a it was in a fucking tournament that i'm referring to and b they only clocked like maybe it was three, I don't know. There was...
Something's up. Something's up.
It wasn't, I didn't average that much. I average like eight points a game.
What was your game like? Who was it like? I was the, I was a three-point shooter. Oh.
But, like, my high, I didn't play much on my high school team. Because your coach hated you.
Clubs and tournaments and camps was where I had my time to shine. Yeah.
AAU camps ruined everything. ABC, the McDonald's All-American game.
That's what you're really talking about. You were in that.
Didn't quite make it to AAU. They don't count that on your max prep stats.
Yes. They don't count ABCD camp, but I was not there.

Like I said, it's better than Skip Bayless.

He had 1.4 points per game.

1.4.

There you go.

Well, I did have more.

I did average more than 1.7.

I'm not saying it was a lot, but it was closer to 8.

We're going to look into that.

That's pretty good.

I average zero.

All right, so before you sat down, I gave you a little heads up about this. So I have a longstanding phobia for California teenagers.

Okay.

And Southern California teenagers mostly. I think Nor norcal maybe too i don't even know but it's the idea that in california when you grow up where you obviously grew up you are like 14 like banging mills smoking weed surfing and you're cooler than everyone else and it feels like a lot of the culture and lingo of america originates in california do you think that's accurate do you think my phobia is real or is it totally made up well i feel like your phobia is more of the current 14 year olds oh rather than when i was 14 okay because shit is way different now yeah you're you know vaping and juuling and so you're scared of them too yeah i'm scared of these kids as well yes these kids were not around when i was when i was 14 right what was the scene like when you were a kid well i mean when i was a kid my life was it was just very simple you know like when i was 12 14 like all i did was skate that's That's all I did all day that's yeah that's fucking cool that was just i grew up i didn't you know we didn't have social media i didn't have a phone till like freshman year of high school so all i did all day was i woke up and we just skated for like six hours a day me and two of my friends um it was like the fucking jonah hill movie yeah 90s honestly like that was and it was even like the way that squad was set up it was like that was how my squad was there was the i was the younger dude everyone was like five years older than me there's one dude aj the black dude was like really good at skating like the dude in the movie and then there was the other kid who was more of like a kind of fuck around right in my version that kid wasn't as anywhere near as good as fuck shit okay right but like and then there was that other kid who like reuben or whatever yeah he had that version of the kid who was like a tentative kind of pissed off shy guy right like it was just weird how that how that movie was pretty was like my life growing up.
I think you actually just described Skate Entourage. Skate Entourage.
Yeah. Is that our show? And you were baby bro and you turned into the movie star.
That's exactly it. That is exactly it.
But wait, so that's intimidating, though. Because you were just skating around as like a 12-year-old, And if you were someone who, like, came out and visited L.A.

and you passed your crew, you probably fucking made fun of them.

Well, see, I was... Those kids definitely partied.

I wasn't partying like that.

I was just skating.

Right.

You know?

And then, you know, we'd go to...

We'd skate to Venice Beach.

And before they had the big skate park.

And it was just, like, a little...

One little ramp. And then, like, a rail to grind.
And the cops would get called and you'd have to run? Well, that would happen when we were at a middle school or skating around in a playground or something. Right, right.
Shopping mall. So am I way off then? I mean, I really think that california something about california when you're a kid you're just cooler than everywhere else in the i think maybe it's the ocean i know what you're talking about yeah i mean i was intimidated by those kids too growing up when you go to venice skate park and there's you know these 12 14 year old kids who are just unreal at skating and they're kind of dicks about it.
Yes. And you're like, I'm 25.
Why am I? Yeah, why am I scared of this kid? Why am I scared of this kid? He's 12. Why do I want this kid to like me? Yes, exactly.
He's fucking 15. Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. I want to jump back real quick to Adam Sandler.
Where did you guys first meet? Because he took a liking to pretty early on right um well we've only we've only done one movie together grown-ups too grown-ups too yeah um but he saw one of my early videos i think um dennis his director showed it to him i went to school with son, so I would imagine that the son showed the dad, the dad showed Adam, is my guess. Right.
I don't know for sure. That shit happens to us all the time, too, where it's like a son of someone powerful.
It's like, oh, I like these guys. Yeah, if your dad's famous and you're listening right now, hook us up.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, that might actually help.
That actually will help. Something help something will come hook us all up right because you know they listen to their kids their kids know what's going on right base a lot of things they're doing off of their kids right you can tell in these shows that this writer didn't actually know what was going on he's just listening to his 12 year old son's interpretation of how the world is you know his his dad sat down like hey we're doing a movie can you give me some tips on instagram yeah it sounds like well hashtags he's like oh hashtags okay keep going hashtag okay yeah it happens all the time in law and order when they're coming they have like a fake app that they show that like a killer using, it's like, oh, this is Snap Face.

It's basically like the Bill Belichick names for it.

Oh, look at this kid.

He's on grinding.com, that sort of thing.

Wait, we can connect all these suspects using hashtags.

Yeah.

What does that even mean?

What does that even mean?

The bot network is live.

Yeah.

Yes.

All right, so you met Adam Sandler the first time.

Were you starstruck?

Yeah, for sure.

I mean, getting the set of Grown Ups 2 was, that was wild. That was my first movie.
And I show up, and it's, you know, Adam Sandler, David Spade, Chris Rock, Kevin James, like, all these comedic legends. I'm just, like, I was shook.
Right. And then I remember Adam kind of, like, I showed up to set, and Adam kind of pulled me aside and was like, hey, man, nice to meet you, and asked me questions about my YouTube thing, and just kind of chopped it up with him for a little bit.
And I remember walking away like, that was fucking cool. Like, he knew who I was and was asking me questions about YouTube.
So that was yeah i mean it was it was just a great experience and it was just uh really getting thrown head first and it wasn't like i started with you know an indie movie or eased my way into seeing the difference between youtube and real productions it was like both ends of the spectrum right away i go from doing these little flip cam frat videos to being on you know huge screen on like an 85 million dollar comedy budget right which is nuts right right can you go back to doing like the the flip phone type videos or like the frat videos after you've already been on the big screen?

You're looked at as a legit movie talent now.

Is it going to be tough for you if you want to go back to YouTube and do something real, real low budget? It really depends on what it is, if that works with the kind of video. but generally speaking, I'm not really trying to do anything with that looks um you know less than what i'm capable of doing at this point i don't like i want to maintain a certain level of production quality at this point and everyone people over the course of the youtube career have gotten mad at me for that and been like this is too high production value like i don't like the production value of being this high yep what yeah um we wrestle with that like all the time because we've been around for forever and they're like we you know a lot of our friends like i liked it when everything broke and it sucked you couldn't hear and the sound quality sucks like i kind of like it when it's when things work yeah it's like i'm glad you appreciated that part of the journey but it's our job to keep growing and getting better at this and i have no interest in going backwards at all yeah right if you did go back so like we used to do our show on skype and the sound quality was garbage like real trash on skype no yeah that's when we started you've been there um and occasionally people be like man i miss the skype i miss when you guys would just like have a two second lag in between your sentences and it's like i don't dan's dog would be barking in the background and stuff and yeah there is like a little bit of nostalgia for that but if we went back to it you know 90 of the audience would be like what the fuck is this this is trash what are those doing so so yeah i understand that i think that's probably smart like you don't want to go back to something that's that is less than what you're capable of and it sounds like you have aspirations that are like beyond doing short stuff on youtube too so i think that's probably just a healthy progression of your career i mean i've always looked at youtube as kind of a i mean a full-time job for a long time but also like a resume you know all those sketches are on your resume it's almost like a reel for people to come and watch and the way i think about it now is if someone you know a director that might cast me in a movie or a producer that might pick up a show i'm pitching if they type in my name on youtube i, I want them to be impressed by what they're seeing.
And I do care about, you know, the main priority with uploading something on YouTube is that all the fans, all the subscribers are happy with it. But the only difference in appealing to, like, casting directors or producers is just that I just want it to look better.
It should be a win-win for everyone. Right, right.
I have some lingo that I wanted to throw your way and tell me if it's cool or not. See, look, I'm already getting...
Fuck. You're doing the thing where I told you my deep, dark fears and then you're just throwing it back in my face.
Yeah. Just lingo.
That's your your deepest darkest fear uh tell me if we're still doing these things because i'm i'm i'm out of touch with everything like the sawdude thing uh our producers put us onto that like six months after it was cool right and it we wrote it hard hard for like a year dude it was awesome it was awesome It was so it was funny because we were like like dude that hasn't been cool for a really long time and we were just but that's funnier you know dude it's funny to not be in on the hype when it's hot right you know right wouldn't be right like catch it way later catch it way later and then bring it back yeah revive it yeah we woulds immediately if we were, like, riding the actual wave. Yes.
But the fact that we were late, they were like, okay, these guys are lame, but they know they're lame. Yeah.
Comically late to everything. All right.
So I'll throw a couple out. Hela, do we still say that? That's always been a Bay Area.
A NorCal. That's a NorCal thing.
All right, NorCal. Yeah.
Stoked? St stoked? stoked yeah I say stoked

tell me also how many of these things you say

I say stoked is

you know

I've always said stoked

is that a west coast thing?

you said stoked when you were like 6

yeah I mean you know

you landed that trick

I was stoked

everyone came out

all we did was do this all day it was great i was stoked stoked uh what about clutch clutch yeah okay has always been it's been clutch i've said clutch for a long time yeah uh post up post up i don't say as seriously some of these lingo terms i use but not in like a serious way. That's like something that your character in Real Bros would say.
Yeah, he definitely says post. Xander definitely says post up.
I say post up from time to time, but post up can be kind of douchey depending on the context. Yeah, do you ever find yourself using lingo that you wrote for your character as a joke in real life and being like, like you gotta watch out for that do you even burn yeah like you gotta be wary of that because you start saying things as a joke and that's how they start that's how you start saying things right right and then you're like oh wait now i actually say this yeah am i a douche yeah yeah exactly what about seebes do you say seebes seebes oh i'm gonna teach you something seebes it's actually real big in australian asia right now it's coming over slowly not strickland you can ride this wave over okay when you just can't be fucked to do anything it's like you're just chilling out your place seebes yeah seebes can't even i think it says for can't even be shitted it's an australian thing just means you can't even i don't know i don't know if i'm gonna hop on that way no you should don't you should we'll see i'll see if it passes and if i'm looking at it and i still want to get on it then i'll maybe you'll hop on good call because it's gonna be just a little fucking ripple you know what you're doing but i'm not gonna paddle you're siebes on siebes i'm siebes on siebes yes uh what's stees mean stees yeah stees is uh i recently found out the actual translation is style with ease oh but i always just knew it meant like if you if you have if you like if you land a trick and it's really smooth um it's just a guy like a guy on a skateboard who has a lot of style or on a snowboard it's just like you know if he just if he's just shredding right you know buttering these landings the guy has stees yeah you know if he's just got his hands down yeah not even needing to flail them on his tricks stees what about rad rad rad is is a less serious word yeah it's like that's freaking rad Right.
Okay, so that's mocking. Sketchy.
Sketchy, yeah.

Sketchy is, you know shady something's up yeah i went to that i went to that thing it was it was honestly kind of sketch okay my last one was uh well i have two more what's the difference between bro bra and bra okay bra is is uh that's the new modern 14 year olds that you're scared of okay you know that's bra is uh i'm not a big bra guy i hate the word bra right b-r-u-h h yeah hate it yeah bra is like b-r-e-h or bra oh no that's a new one bra i also hate breh okay i didn't know that existed brah brah is like a joking you know is that brah brah yeah yeah it's never i'm never like seriously like what's up brah yeah right okay um and then bro i say bro yeah bro i wish i it less, but it's one of those things that just...

Sometimes I start a sentence with it where I'm like, bro, look at this.

And I'm like, I'm starting with bro, but it just doesn't seem like I'm saying that.

The best is when you do it to chicks and you're like, bro.

And you're like, wait, what?

What's up, dude?

I like calling chicks dudes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What about Bri?

Bri?

Bri?

Bri.

It's like South African.

Yeah. Yeah.
B-R-I-H? Oh, sidebar. Bri? What's up, Bri? What about Brie? Brie? Brie.
It's like South African.

B-R-I-H.

Oh, sidebar.

What's up, Brie?

Hey, Brie.

That sounds Australian.

What's up, Brie?

What's your go-to handshake to dap somebody up?

It's the slap and drag and tug.

Oh, yeah.

No, you don't pound it. I don't pound after.

I just leave.

Snap it?

Oh, you're a snapper?

I'm a snapper. No, I'm just a slap, drag, tug.
No pound.'t pound it. I don't pound after.
I just leave. Snap it? Oh, you're a snapper? I'm a snapper.

No, I'm just a slap, drag, tug.

No pound.

No pound after.

You change your handshake.

Because I feel like the tug is, that's the period at the end of the handshake.

Yeah, that's good.

That's a nice little boom.

This is like having two punctuations on your sentence.

Yeah, that's true.

But then you blow it up.

Yeah, boom.

And then it's now you're.

Yeah, then you just.

I honestly, I'm more of just a, you know, freaking. Oh, you just slap.
I'm a double slapper these days. I just fucking get it out of here.
I like that one. I like that one.
Oh, my last one was, what's the difference between a kickback and... This is from Real Bros, which everyone should watch.
It's fucking hilarious. A kickback at a party.
Okay, so a kickback is uh a kickback's more of a

casual you know like the amount of people we have here right now we're doing a kickback it's it could be a kickback you know maybe maybe have like three more people but with an intention of drinking you know it's more of just a chill sesh.

Maybe you have some music going.

It's not a full function.

It's not a party.

There's no dance floor at a kickback.

The kickback

is just

more of a music talking

kind of vibe.

The party is where you're opening up the dance floor.

You have a DJ. It's a thing.
It's a function once once a red solo cup makes an appearance what is that like if there's it could still be a kickback yeah so you play beer pong at a kickback you can play beer pong at a kickback for sure what's the amount of people that that takes it from a kickback to a party i would say once you go from you know 15 20 to 30 then it's that's it's starting look like a party. What's like two or three people just drinking and listening to music? Is that a hang? I think that's a hang sesh.
You had a dog, maybe it's a kickback. Yeah, maybe if there's a dog in the building, it could be a kickback.
But I mean, this could be a kickback. Okay, so we could be having a kickback right now.
We're kickbacking with Jimmy. Chopped it up.
All right, that's all I had. Do you have any other ones? no I think that's it this is fucking awesome man oh you had .1 assists per game too I forgot to mention that oh this guy he's just trying to bring up that sucks oh my no listen I do have one you think this doesn't haunt me every day yes you think I don't google myself on MaxPreps every day hoping it changes MaxPreps is such it weirdest website in the world because it's run by a bunch of 50-year-olds keeping stats on like 14-year-old boys.
Dude, you should actually do that. Like Mr.
3000, the Bernie Mac movie. You should go back to high school to try to up your...
Get your average snaps at 2.0. Did you see my MaxPreps profile photo though? No.
I did. I spotted the photographer like from across the way

and it was like

during a free throw

and I just did this.

Yeah.

It was ridiculously photogenic.

He was just smiling straight ahead.

And I thought it was so funny

but like it doesn't really translate.

It's just like

what is he doing?

Why is he looking at the camera

in the middle of the game?

It doesn't look like he's being funny.

He's just like

what is this pose?

Is that what he chose

for the basketball photo shoot? For his team team photo that's what he that's what he went with oh man that's perfect all right i did have one last question seake question promo code take you get ten dollars off your seake purchase clout chasers okay what you hate them i don't want to hang out with him. Yeah.
How do you spot a cloud chaser?

You can tell, man.

You know?

Are we cloud chasers?

Nah, I don't think so.

We would have tagged you before you came over here. You guys would have taken some kind of video by now.

Oh, like when you walked in, we would have been like, Jimmy's in the house.

Yeah.

You know?

I would have walked in, and you would have been like, ooh, what's up, guys?

Jimmy just got here. Jimmy's in the house.
And then you would have said what's up to me on camera and then been like this alright yeah fuck clout chasers what's your follow me back what's up man thanks for coming what was that yeah what the fuck so we're not clout ch chasers you're not cloud chasers i'm a cloud chaser a little bit with memes i try to get into memes real late and uh like you post the memes yeah i create the memes but i i purposely make them as terrible as possible and like like misrepresent what the actual meme should be and that makes its own meme so it's a second wave clout. Yeah, like we're saying, Suddu, we're just now getting onto the meme of the guy turning around and looking at the girl while his girlfriend's mad at him.
See, I'm hearing more trend chasing. Trend chasing.
Clout chasing, to me, is you guys are just in it for the followers. Yeah.
Which we're not that.

Wait, but is it a trend chase

when you can't even see the trend

because you're so far behind?

I don't think so.

It's like a new race that started.

I think that's called

riding your own wave.

Yes, exactly.

It's like a fire truck goes by

and we're a dog

and the fire is already being put out

and we're five blocks away

and we're still shit.

We'll never get up to it.

Like three months ago,

we got really high

and tried to watch Spongebob

to make our own new memes.

It didn't really work.

Right.

But we were there.

But how was the Spongebob?

It was the first time

we'd ever watched it.

It was really good.

Stop.

You haven't seen Spongebob?

No, we're a little bit older.

We're both 34.

Two years right behind me.

It's just a little bit like

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was us.

Okay.

You were Spongebob. I was Spongebob.
But I But I also never watched SpongeBob, you know? So there you go. You just know the memes.
I watched like Pokemon. That was what I cared about.
Okay. How come SpongeBob is so much more memeable than Pokemon? Well, because, I mean, don't get me wrong.
I would have watched the fuck out of SpongeBob if I had cable. Right.
I was on channel 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11, and 13. Well, you had the nine eleven you had the beach dude what you had the beach yeah the cable was right out in there right out right out your backyard i didn't have it man you were fucking out there doing ollies and shit cooler than everyone in america yeah my my mom was just anti-television really so i was out there with a skateboard every day making making skate that probably helped your creativity though no weird way yeah because i had to come up with other shit to do right right build forts out of boxes and now kids have minecraft they build their forts on go on what happened to that box fort i used to love making box forts with this duct tape and boxes oh dude that was the best houses behind the couch and shit yeah did you have a creek i would have loved to create a real awesome report making he oh man i bet the uh i remember like i think it was like probably 1992 that my family got a new refrigerator and that was a big year for the box i remember a huge fucking box oh that's a huge huge box dude oh huge that's like a that's like a mansion a mansion.
You can do, you're like, hey, here, come in the foyer. Now let's go to the other part of the box.
You got everything in there. No, that's the Hearst Castle of boxes.
Yes, yes. That is.
You can't beat a refrigerator box. No, you can't.
Because the TV box is big, but it's too narrow. Right.
You can't hang out in there. Right.
Refrigerator box? It's already built for you. Are you kidding me? Yes.
All right, Jimmy. Thank you, everyone.
Check out the movie coming up in July 12th. Stuber.
Stuber. Stuber.
And then also definitely watch Real Bros because it's fucking hilarious. Real Bros.
Simi Valley Season 3. Yeah.
Zander. What's going to happen with Zander? Don't tell us.
Tell us. A lot of things.
A lot of things. Maybe some kickbacks?

There's going to be kickbacks.

There's going to be a lot of things going down.

Oh, man.

All right.

Thanks, man.

We're going to get right back to the show.

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in no time. Get a quote today restrictions apply all right back to part of my take shut it down okay i like how hank takes one yeah very impressive yes we just we just hit smelling salts we have our good friend recurring guest hall of famer you're in a hall of fame right nightclub hall there we go nightclub hall of fame you probably know that voice it is john taffer he's got uh bar rescue and marriage rescue now so you're saving people's relationships then you're saving people's bars you're saving people's bars saving people's relationships then saving people's bars every sunday night that's why you and i need to talk dan that's it our relationship is great our relationship remains.
But it's kind of funny because what you do on Bar Rescue, for the most part, you save relationships on there, too, between partnerships. No, it's really true.
There's about 30 Bar Rescues that had married couples, and they fight so much that it gets into the business. So I wound up fixing the marriage before I could fix the business.
So when the network came to me, normally you pitch an idea to the network. They came to me with this one and said, you know, John, like 30 episodes are like sort of let's do marriage rescue.
So there was no pilot or anything. We just went straight to series.
OK, so idea for marriage rescue. When you go and rescue a marriage, maybe the way to rescue it is have them open a bar.
That'll take them down for sure. But seriously, no, I was that.
I was about to say that same thing. Yeah.
That way you double dip because you create their bar as well. That you can then rescue later.
Then you rescue their bar. This is a self-fulfilling ecosystem you got.
Jesus, we've got a million dollar ideas. You're just so fucking on top of this.
It's just unbelievable to me. The creative energy at this table is unbelievable.
Yeah. Maybe you do bar building with.
You do bar building with marriages that are doing well.

And then you build them a bar and then you revisit them and rescue the bar and the marriage

three years later.

You can do it with me.

Yeah.

Let's do it.

Absolutely.

We just do it all.

You also get a little bit of equity in their marriage.

Yes.

Oh.

Any kids.

Those are your kids.

I get the wife every third week or something.

Those are your kids.

You get the kids.

You get the kids too.

Yeah. All future earnings.
I just want to point out it's a very special day. Do you know what day it is today, John? No.
It is June 7th as we're recording this. Do you remember what you were doing one year ago today? No.
The Washington Capitals were beating the Las Vegas Knights. And you and I were fucking each other pretty good.
Game five. You guys didn't tell me that about Vegas.
Well, yeah. You can get some equity if you want.
Okay, nice. Nice.
But you and I went out pretty good a year ago. We did, and we had quite a battle.
Five games, a gentleman's sweep in the Stanley Cup final. I lost.
You lost. We won.
So we are going to do a bar rest. We are.
At some point, it's not that we've forgotten about it. It's every time you're filming one, we somewhere else every time we're good you're doing something else so the schedules will align hopefully this summer the blame is on both sides actually because there's been one that we didn't weren't able to do and then there was one that we're like we're in and then your people were like just kidding that one's not happening so we'll figure it out yeah you know what happened guys i got the flu and canceled an episode in season we would have just done the We would have done the whole thing for you.
Let us know next time. No, I know what happened, guys? I got the flu and canceled an episode in season.

We would have just done the whole thing.

We would have done the whole thing for you.

Let us know next time. No, I can't wait, guys.

We'll have a blast.

We will literally host the show.

Portnoy just did one with Frankie.

Did you see it?

I know.

It did pretty good, too.

Yeah.

Went up against Game of Thrones finale.

And we did great, by the way.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

Our ratings didn't go down at all.

It was a tough night to go up against them.

But yeah, so we're definitely going to do it.

We're going to name our own drinks. I don't even know.
So let me ask you this. Yeah.
What would be the perfect drink for you, name? I'd like to incorporate Mad Dog into my drinks somehow. Mine would probably be sit on the couch.
So the drink is just on my couch. So I don't have to go anywhere.
So maybe the drink should be in some type of a couch-shaped glass? No, it's literally just served on my couch. So the bar just brings me a drink.
So what would the drink be called? Something like, what do you think? How about Garfield? Garfield. The Lazy Fuck.
The Lazy Fuck is good. The Big Cat Barker Lounger.
Not bad. I like that one.
What about the PFT? But T is T-E-A. And it's Mad Dog and Four Loko.
I like that. It's actually cool.
I like the... Can you serve Four Loko? I don't know.
Why not? You love to serve Four Loko. It's above my pay grade.
Well, remember they banned it after a while? I didn't know that. Because the kids were like...
Yeah, because it was like caffeine and booze mixed, and you can't do it to a certain level. Well, also energy drink.
They won't let you do that. Yeah, that's right.
A lot of people try to put energy drink in booze. You can't do that either.
What's... Go ahead.'s go ahead i was gonna say i have a question because a lot of times at least here in new york i don't know if it's just contained to the city or if it's a worldwide phenomenon if i ask for a red bull at a bar or a red bull vodka yeah a lot of times bartenders they kind of turn up their nose like we don't serve red bull here wow i don't know why that is and then a lot of times they'll be like we actually have Monster.
But it's like they're looking down at people ordering Red Bulls now. I don't understand that.
You know, it's interesting too. Red Bull has like predatory contracts.
Really? So when you sign a deal as a bar with Red Bull, they give you a few dollars. They'll give you like a DJ stand or some tables.
You've seen a Red Bull. Yeah, yeah.
But in the contract, it says you are not allowed to do business with any other energy drink. Damn.
That's probably why they don't like them. That's probably why a bar owner.
Because they're really predatory. Okay, so here's an idea.
What if we start an energy drink called No Energy and it just says it's No Energy so then it's not an energy drink, but it is. And we can name that one Lazy Fuck too.
Yeah, perfect. And then we scoop in when everyone's like, hey, you got a Red Bull deal you can't get out of we'll come buy some no energy yeah that's how red bulls were successful though was that approach that makes sense they buy you in so to speak yeah lock you in yeah yeah okay well we're gonna take down uh the energy drink world i think we should find a way yeah we can definitely that new one bang which all the instagram models are doing uh-huh that's all you gotta do i like the PFT.
Yeah, the PFT is a great drink. That's a good name for a drink, I think.
I don't know if I'm in love necessarily with the Four Loko now that I think about it because they changed the formula of it. So it would have to be Mad Dog and let's just say Old English.
Mad Dog and Old English. A little Old English.
Yeah, I like that a lot. Okay, so here's the deal.
We'll give somebody something to look look forward to so we're going to create that drink together you and i when you're on bar rescue okay and we'll teach as a mixologist i will teach the bartenders how to make it i think that's terrific yeah you always shake up here right of course and you got a smile but okay so yeah that's actually a good segue to our mount rushmore because i bet you people would go to a bar just to have the pft just to get just to get like hooked up on the PFT so we're gonna do a Mount Rushmore of bar attractions things that a bar has that makes you want to go to that bar things that you're like I'm gonna go to this bar and I know I'm gonna have a good time because of this could be a menu item could be a feature in the bar could be anything you want Sure. All right.
So we're going to do a snake draft. So it's going to go you, me, PFT.
Then PFT is going to go twice and come back around. Snake draft.
Do you know a snake draft? I know a snake draft. Okay, because a lot of people get confused.
And when I say a lot of people, it's pretty much just us. Okay.
Yeah. So it's a lightning round.
Yeah. One time we got really high and got caught in the snake.
Gotcha. We still have it on the tail.
Yeah, we couldn't figure out where we were. I swear to God.
It was actually in Vegas. So were you stuck for hours? We were stuck for a very long time in the snake.
We could not remember who started and who stopped it. You legalized weed out there, and that presented all sorts of problems.
It was, yeah. The least of which is not being able to do a snake draft.
A little bit of a fog. By the way, before you do the first pick, has legalization of weed done anything to the bar industry? It does impact the bar industry.
You know, you talk about sitting on a couch. Right.
I mean, typically you don't smoke weed and then go out. Correct.
So, you know, it tends to keep you home. So, you know, I think it has created some erosion in the bar business for sure.
All right. And then what about, but gambling is the, like, you know, most states like Illinois just did gambling and weed in the same weekend.
I would imagine gambling would raise the bar business. I would think, especially if we can bring it into the bar.
Into the bar. Now, what's great about Las Vegas is you have all the gaming apps.
Right. So you can sit in a bar and you can bet on the apps in real time, which is very cool.
People will stay longer. They'll stay through the fourth quarter, make sure that over under hits.
Absolutely. Yeah.
All right. So you go first.
Easy. Sports on video.
Sports on video. A sports bar.
A sports bar. I mean...
But you know what's interesting about a sports bar? Sports will only fill a bar about 70 days a year. Really? And a lot of people think, oh, but a sports bar, they come every night.
That's not true. They don't come for every baseball game.
Right. Only postseason.
They don't come for every NBA game. It'll be postseason.
Even big hockey cities, they don't come for all 80-some-odd hockey games. So when you really put together the playoffs, the various things, that's only about 70, 80 days tops.
And you are right that if you're going to watch a big game, there are only a few bars that you can think of where you know the game's going to be on, you know the sound's going to be on, and you know you're going to be able to watch the TV. Because there's a lot of places where it's like, yeah, they might have two TVs.
If you're in Brooklyn, you have zero TVs. But a good bar where you know you can watch the game is always high on the list.
You know what's interesting to me? I never saw this. I was talking about sports and bars.
You know, with Sunday Ticket, which you guys know I created. Yeah, just a flex.
No big deal. With NFL Sunday Ticket, you know, different bars have different teams.
Right. So the Dallas game could be at one place, whereas the Green Bay game could be at another place.
I always wondered why somebody or DirecTV or somebody didn't do an app where if you're a Dallas fan, I can put it in and find out which bar is showing the Dallas game. Yeah.
So I could go to that bar. Nothing like that exists.
Maybe I should create it. They do do.
Wouldn't you do it if you were in a city and you wanted to go see a particular game? Because what happens is I just Google Redskins bars,

and then a bunch of things pop up that they don't show the Redskins anymore

because they're a shitty team and probably always will be.

But I know that there are at least one or two bars that are showing them,

but it's not the classic Redskins ones,

and then I'm just stuck with my thumb on my ass.

Although, I will say, when you go to a sports bar on a Sunday morning,

and my favorite thing that they do is they'll put a piece of paper under every TV for which game's about to play.

When you walk into an empty sports bar on a Sunday morning and you're like, I can set myself up anywhere, that's the best feeling in the world.

Absolutely.

That's the best feeling in the world.

All right.

I'm going to go with a good shuffleboard table.

Yes.

I love playing shuffleboard.

It is so much fun. And a good one.
I'm not talking about the cheap shuffleboard table i'm talking a real one got to get the right amount of sand got to have you know can't be too expensive a good shuffleboard table will get me at a bar and get me to stay for a long time you know it's interesting you say that because shuffleboard is not as popular as it should be i know and when i put them into bars they do really well yeah but you can do couples double limitation. You can do a whole bunch of stuff.
Right. So I think that's a great call.
Yes. Now, with the positioning of a shuffleboard table, is it better to have them against the wall or out in the open? Against the wall.
Yeah. Because when you put it out in the open, it creates too much dead space around it.
See? And up against the wall, it works fine. I like a little bit more space off the wall.
You can't go right up against the wall because if you go right up against the wall- No, you'll leave a few with your partner back and forth. But yeah.
And you know what really gets me is when people drop the weights and you dent it. Yeah.
Right? So you really got to maintain it properly. It's like a pull table.
You got to do it right. Yes.
All right. For my first one, I'm going to keep it very, very simple.
A popcorn machine. Yeah, I had that written down.
I love a nice dive bar with a popcorn machine. The smell, too.
Nothing better. It sets the vibe.
Salty as hell, right? Oh, yeah. And that makes you drink more.
Of course. I knew this is how they get you.
I'm so dumb. I just like the popcorn.
No, but you're right. I had that written down.
That was my third thing I wrote down. I'm probably going to take one of yours too, Big Cat, because I know that you agree with this one.
By the way, PFT, you're working off your phone. Yes.
He's working off a list. I like a little ink under my table.
No, I'm very impressed by the preparation that the two of you put in. We literally did this 40 seconds before.
Yeah, you're going raw dog just right from your brain. Yeah.
But you also have a lifetime worth of information of bar science stored up there. I do.
So, yeah, you're at a decided... Oh, well.
This is unfiltered John Taffer brains. Like I've ever been filtered here before.
You're literally putting your mouth up to the tap when you're on this show.

My next one is turtle racing.

It's a specific one, but there's a bar that I used to go to called Little Woodrow's in Austin,

and it was so much fun because on Thursday nights, they would have turtle racing at like 6 o'clock.

They'd get all these tiny little turtles that have numbers painted on them.

They put them in the middle of a big circle, and then everybody bets on the turtles, which one's going to make it out of the circle first. And the entire bar stops what they're doing, and they gather around watching this.
And just like 50, 60 people screaming their lungs out at baby little turtles. So fun.
That's how I got addicted to gambling. I was 12 years old.
I went to a turtle race in Key West Florida. My parents brought me, and I won a $100 bill.

And from that point on, I was addicted to gambling.

Yeah.

It's funny.

When I was running Barty's Beanery in Los Angeles, California,

I was a bartender many years ago.

And Lone Star came to California, and they asked me to do a TV commercial.

And the TV commercial was armadillo races.

So they took us to the set.

They had all the lanes with armadillo races.

And we let the armadillos go, and they didn't go anywhere. So the producers to me said listen to me you got to squeeze its balls so you put your hand on top of the armadillo and there's like six of us and you stick your hand underneath it and you got to squeeze the little guy's balls so he takes off which is not something you really want to do as a guy you know you can relate to so you put your hand on top of him you squeeze his little nuts, and then he pisses in your hand and takes off.
There you go. And I lost, of course.
But it always bothered me to this day that I squeezed this little guy's balls. Yeah, that's fucked up.
Absolutely. You want to apologize to the Armadillo? I'll apologize to him right now.
Okay, so if you're listening to Armadillo, you got finger fucked by John Tapper. We apologize, okay? But you pissed on his hands.
Yeah, that's true. You got the last laugh.
Oh, and then afterwards you have to raise your hands as if you won, even though you didn't. As I raise my hand, the piss is running down my arm.
I can't imagine that smells good. No.
Thinking through the animal kingdom, armadillo piss has got to be up there as part of the smell. But it has bothered me all these years that I did that.
I'm happy you got that off your chest. I do.
I feel much better now. Thank you, guys.
All right. I'm going to go nice, easy, a great jukebox.
Nothing better than a great jukebox. And I don't like, I know that everyone has the digital jukeboxes now.
I like when it's an old-fashioned jukebox because you know that people can't stray too far from the bar's vibe. Even if you hear the same song over and over again, you're cool.
Don't care. Obviously, it's got to be a really good one.
You go to a bar and it's an old-school one. It's got all the classics.
But when you have the digital one, someone can put on something that just kills everything. Too obscure.
Right, too obscure. Maybe it's a chill vibe, some, like, death metal or something like that.
But that's the bar operator because you can regulate those things. You can.
You can override. So he's not allowing the right songs to be selected.
Also, I can say these songs can't be played during these hours. Correct.
That's good. Okay.
So it isn't the box. It's the operator who fucked it up.
Okay. So that's good to know.
I do agree with Big Cat, though, that the vibe of having just a normal jukebox is a little bit chiller. It's a little bit cool.
I like going up. It flip it, you hit the button, and it flips.
Yeah, the handwritten track listings. Yeah.
And the other way you run into trouble if you're using the digital jukeboxes is that sometimes they have these apps where people can order them, and they're not even in the bar. Right.
So we've got this friend, Clue Haywood, that likes to play Go Cubs Go at St. Louis bars.
Which is a great move. On repeat.
And he lives in Arizona. Right.
And he just floods it. Really? That's funny.
You can screw with people that way a little bit. You can.
And you can, with the digital one, you can cuck people in line. You can pay extra, which I don't like.
Right. That's not fair.
Right. All right, your pick.
It's all about the money. Yeah.
That's true. That's true.
All right, you have two picks. Test tube shots.
Test tube shots. Party time.
Yeah. Yeah.
It is hard to turn down a test tube shot. What's amazing about a test tube shot is think about this, PFT.
You got a drink in your hand, and I can sell you another drink while you're drinking a drink. That's shit.
So that's really cool. Nothing else.
And then it's a test tube. You can't put it down because it tips over.
Right. So the minute you buy it, you got to drink it.
Yeah. So you drink the drink in between the drink that you're already drinking.
And then you've got a free hand again. For another shot.
For another shot. Yeah.
Damn. Damn.
That's a big thing down in New Orleans. I always buy the test tube shots in New Orleans.
And they're fun, man. The girls come over and they put on a show for you.
Right. And sometimes they'll put the bottom end of the test tube in their mouth,

put the top end in yours, and then just kind of pour it in with their mouth.

Right.

Right.

Okay, you got another pick.

That's probably illegal and unsanitary.

That's a good pick.

You got another one.

Another one.

Okay, I will pick bubble machine.

Bubble machine?

Yes.

What do you mean?

Okay, bars got to have women.

Yeah.

Music draws women more than products do. Okay.
A bubble machine and a festiveness of a dance floor with a bubble machine will create a party for women. I'm trying to pick something that's not on your list.
Interesting. I don't think I've ever been to a bar with a bubble machine.
Now I want to go. Does it make the dance floor slipperier? It can, but you want to use the right materials.
You want to use a professional machine, but that's a very good call because it can. Yeah, I'm looking out for liability right now.
Yeah, I mean, you are right that if i saw bubbles in the middle of a bar i'd be like i'm gonna go dance it just it creates a party feeling yeah okay i like that um i'm going with for my third pick a great bottle beer selection i love when a bar has a bunch of different bottles not just tap just cans, because there's nothing like drinking out of a glass bottle in a bar.

That makes it so if you know you can go there and you can drink out of a glass bottle all night and there's all kinds of it.

Because a lot of times you'll show up to a bar and you'll be like, hey, I want a Coors Light or a Bud Light.

And it will just be, you know, they'll be like, we have it on tap or a can or a plastic can.

You know you're going to consume roughly two-thirds less beer when you drink out of a bottle. Is that true? And I'll tell you why.
So you hate bottles. No, I don't hate or like it.
I just want to explain this. When you take a draft beer and you pour it or when you pour a bottle into the glass, the CO2 dissipates.
Okay. When you drink from the bottle directly into your stomach, the CO2 dissipates in your stomach.
So it bloats you. And for every beer you consume, your body takes about a bottle and a half in capacity.
Okay. Now, does it- Make sense? Does it give you more gas if you drink a bottle? It does.
If you drink it straight from the bottle, it bloats you because all the gas is dissipating in your stomach rather than in the glass. Interesting.
So you will drink less beer if you drink it in a bottle. That's maybe why I like it because I'm kind of a wimp now.
You don't need to drink any more beer. I don't.
Yeah. I've stopped and I still have weight.
My problem is whenever I go to a bar, if I have the option of having a Bud Light bottle or a Bud Light pint poured for me, I always take the bottle because I know what it's going to taste like. I know I'm going to get the standard, consistent

Bud Light. If I'm ordering a craft beer

that's local, I might go ahead

and go for the draft option on that.

But with a Bud Light on draft, you're

playing with fire because a lot of times you get

a beer line that's not cleaned out.

It's not right.

It throws your whole night off.

Also, it's great having a bottle in your hand.

It's very nice to be able to walk around and talk

to people. Where if you have a draft, you can

spill on people. But you can have your cake and eat it too.

If you want to drink a lot of beer tonight, get the Bud Light bottle. Pour it into the pint glass.
No, see. Gas dissipates.
Drink it out of the glass. That's not a bad point.
And you can get the same effect. That's my point.
Also, a cousin to the great bottle beer selection is I need the bar to have buckets of beer, too. I need to be able to order buckets for the table so I don't have to get up every single time do you like the little pony bottle I love the pony bottles it makes me feel like Andre the Giant no seriously the little cans too yeah I'm like oh man I'm a big man and then I'm like I crushed like eight beers tonight and I really had like two and a half but it makes me feel really strong I don't know why I thought about this but years ago I saw Shaq pick up a pint glass.
And Shaq picking up a pint glass, PFT, is like you picking up a shot glass. It looks exactly the same because his hand is so freaking big.
Right, right. Yeah, that's how I feel.
I'm like, man, I could defeat anyone right now. All right, PFT, you got your final two.
Okay. I'm going to go with Sig's Inside.
Oh. Smoking in a bar.
Smoking in a bar. That's good.
Now, this is not an every night thing that I want to do, but I love knowing which bar that I can go to in a town that has cigarettes allowed indoors. It's something that's very luxurious.
I feel like I'm on a very expensive cruise ship. If I'm inside a trashy-ass dive bar, I'm allowed to light up a cigarette inside and blow my smoke into the ceiling.
Yes. Feels great.
I get that. So you need smoke eaters and the right equipment because too much smoke even bums you out as a smoker.
That's true. So you've got to have the right circulation.
If you set up a bar for that, it's perfectly cool. Yeah.
My last one, this is a pretty easy one, actually, just dogs. Yeah.
Dogs. Dogs in a bar.
Yeah, I love dogs in a bar. Allowing dogs in a bar.
It's always funny to see a dog sitting at a bar. It's just funny.
It is. There's a bar rescue episode where the dog was actually nicer than the owner.
Yeah, I mean, that's pretty much every dog. Yes, yes.
I believe it. I believe it.
Pretty much every dog. That's a good one.
All right, that's a good one. Where do you stand on bar stools? Do you like them having backs or no backs? Okay, I'm going to get myself in trouble here.
Here's the demographics of a bar stool. When you have women over 34, you put a back on a bar stool.
Okay. When they're under 34, you don't.
And the reason why is over 34, women get very sensitive about their asses. Oh.
Well, it's work for guys, too. It starts to bulge over the sides, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I get sensitive.
Now, Danny, you might have you did. Right.
But the fact is, over 34, you start to consider that and you put backs on it. Under 34, I want you to spin around for interactivity and stuff, so I wouldn't.
I like the back on it because a lot of times I like to slouch at a bar. I like comfortable.
Yeah, lean back a little bit. Also, there's a difference.
In a bar, sometimes I'll put backs where tables I might not to create more interactivity. If it's the kind of bar where I want you to stay for a longer time, I'll put a back on it.
Like a sports bar, you're watching a game for a long time, you know, you want to be a lean back. There's a lot of considerations, but that demo is a big one too.
Okay. All right, my last one is live music.
Not too loud, but I don't think you could ever go to a bar with live music and walk away from that bar not being like, I had a great time tonight.

Because it's just something about it.

Well, live music energizes a room.

But, you know, on the other side of the fence,

a live band is either too heavy for the light stuff or too light for the heavy stuff.

You've got to find – so PFT and I basically, our last two picks,

we just basically described this bar called The North Side in Atlanta,

which we spent a couple nights in Super Bowl week.

And we just basically described it.

Yeah, it was. It was a fucking awesome place.
It was kind of like a dive bar. It was a very divey feel.
They had bottles, cans. I pissed in the backyard.
Yeah, bathrooms actually. You know what? I'm going to throw a little curveball here.
Sometimes I prefer a little bit of a trashy bathroom. Yes.
Really? Yeah. You want to get a little odor when you walk in.
No, no, no, no, no, no. No, you're not saying like a dump in the toilet.
No, I'm not saying a broken. You're talking about graffiti.
Yeah, I'm talking about graffiti. Oh, sure, I got you.
Chalk on the walls. I'm talking just like kind of.
Broken mirror. Diving.
Yeah, very diving. Yes maybe that old school uh the thing that you you use to dry your hands where it's just one big rag oh the loop so disgusting so disgusting but that is cool what about when it doesn't move anymore you've got to use the last guys it's so fucking gross but it is like a cool vibe i made a mistake when i was down in miami i let a friend of ours know.
He's the producer of the Levitard Show. I let him know that I like dive bars, and I like kind of trashy-ish bathrooms.
And the entire rest of the week, he kept sending me pictures of bars that he had been to in Miami that had the worst bathrooms. So I have probably 30 pictures of just toilets on my phone.
So if anybody goes through here, they're like, what the hell is the matter with you? You're a toilet guy.

I'm just a big toilet guy.

Sometimes we build these bars and the guy's bathroom is like a freaking outhouse.

Yeah.

But the girl's bathroom is a fucking palace.

That's okay.

Yeah, I like that.

Same place.

You wouldn't even know you were in the same bar.

That's good.

But there's a difference because you and I are cool with the trashy bathroom, but they're

often not.

Right.

Right.

Agreed.

All right.

What is your last pick?

Oh, boy.

My last pick, I was going to go with music and energy. But I'm going to go for something.
Let me think for a second. I'm going to go with quick, easy food.
Ooh, like it. So if you want something, you get it quick.
Okay. So there's nothing worse.
I'm picturing a bar you guys are at in Atlanta. You want to order some chicken wings or something.
You don't want to get into 25 minutes to wait for them and all that. So, you know, to me, the greatest food in a bar of all is a five-minute menu.
Order it now comes out right away. In Williamsburg, the pizza.
Yes, I was about to say that bar. It makes a big difference.
That's a great bar. If you had to wait a half hour, you probably wouldn't have gotten it in many cases.
Yeah, you go to a window, and they give you a little personal pizza. It's awesome.
What's that bar called? It's called Alligator Bar. Yeah, I've been there a couple times.
It's awesome. you just because you don't have to sit down you can you're like hey i've been drinking for a while i want a little slice of pizza boom you're right there what do you think about a food truck at a bar yes or no you know we've done it on bar rescue and what we've done is we've connected it to the pos system in the bar so i put a printer in a food truck outside and the employees have a tablet inside oh nice so they can order the food so you can go out and pick it up or they'll bring it back in for you.
We do it all the time. I like that.
We've got a bar rescue. What's cool is you can have different food trucks, different days.
And if you cut a deal with them that every Thursday is this truck, every Friday is this truck, there's a reason for you to come back. That's good.
So we'll do the things that we missed the list, right? Like the honorable mentions. One of my honorable mentions, there's certain bars in Chicago where they let the tamale guy come in.
Late night, guy comes in with just a big cooler of tamales and just it's like $5 for three tamales. That's huge.
Knowing the tamale guy is going to show up is huge. I also used to do these things where I'd make 100 hot dogs and I'd put them in a foil envelope like they do in a ballpark with a mustard packet and I'd send a girl and she'd stand up in the bar and she'd just start throwing hot dogs I would go to that bar every night at midnight each hot dog would cost me literally like 27 cents for the whole fucking thing envelope and all sometime tonight the hot dogs are coming out and it's like a bird I do that with free t-shirts.
Yeah, I was going to say it's like a t-shirt cannon at a ball game. You get a 27-cent hot dog and you feel like you won a million dollars.
Yeah, absolutely. Now, do they make a hot dog gun like they have at Cannes? No.
That would be fun. That would be freaking cool.
Yeah. I have pretzel rods.
I love pretzel rods at the bar. Okay.
Just sitting there. Just pretzels hanging out in general.
Pretzels just somewhere. Yeah.
Butt funnels. Of course.
Double butt funnels. Triple butt funnel.
Triple butt funnel. Have you done a triple butt funnel? I've done one triple butt funnel on Bar Rescue.
And did it work? It worked. Okay.
What about... I'm sure somebody got laid somewhere at it.
That's a stupid question by me. Of course the triple butt funnel worked.
What about Christmas lights? Christmas lights? Ooh, that's good. Festive.
It's great for a dive bar because it really tacks it up. We're just describing dive bars.
I'm describing dive bars. I'm giving away my preferred method of drinking here.
Fire pit, probably a big hazard, but awesome. Fire pit outside works really well.
Just a really awesome patio is always a plus. Like a backyard patio is great.
What about the mist fans for the summertime? Oh, that makes a big deal. I like that.
Women don't like it because it frizzes up their hair. Oh, really? But no, it cools it off a lot.
What about a live lobster catch? You know I've thrown that off Bar Rescue. Okay, I know, and it's one of my favorite episodes.
You know why? Taffer's lost his mind. This live lobster catch is awesome.
You ever listen carefully when you drop? No, I'm not. Don't stop.
Just let me. No.
At least in a hot water goes quick. God damn it.
I love that. Because they put the lobster.
I know. It was bad.
It was bad. The tank sucked.
And yeah, I get it. But it was like the one and only time I've seen it.
And I was like, damn, that's cool. It's a little like the armadillo.
It just sort of bummed me out. Yeah, no, I agree.
You made the right call there. I like having enough dartboards, because if you only have one dartboard, that's a problem.
Yes, it's a big problem. And you need the old-school dartboard.
If you're going to have dartboards, you've got to have at least one pinball machine, and here's why. Oh.
When people are waiting to play darts, they'll play pinball. Okay.
And the incidence of play on pinball games is much higher when there's dart boards nearby for that reason. Yes.
I did that last weekend. There you go.
I literally did that last weekend. And the same thing with the pool table.
When you're waiting for a pool table, you'll play some pinball as well. I don't even play pinball.
I don't even play. Sucks.
Pinball actually is not fun. For Lord of the Rings, a movie I haven't watched.
Yeah. And I was just waiting for the dart board to open up, and I played three games of pinball.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. God damn it.
So there's a lot of logic to that, Mattel. Dart boards are great.
The problem with dart boards is you can't do the fake dart boards. You have to do the real ones.
And then I feel like bars just don't do a good job of taking care of their darts. You'll get a dart that has a a screwed up feather, or yeah, you'll get two when you need three.
But you're not going to do anything if you don't do it properly. A professional dart lane has the lines, has a drink rail next to it for resting your drink.
People aren't walking in front of you. Of course, you've got to do it right.
If you do it right, you'll get leagues, and you can make a lot of money on it. Having enough chalk is a big one, too.
You can't go in and get the little pebble and that's all that there is left. That's a night roger.
The worst. All right.
Did we hit them all? I think we hit them all. I think we did pretty good.
Yeah. So, John Taffer, it's always great having you on.
We appreciate your support of us. And check out Bar Rescue, Marriage Rescue, Bar Rescue.
He's saving lives. He's saving lives.
Has anybody ever thanked you for saving their life? Oh, yeah. You know what's really cool, and I've never said this before? In Bar Rescue, we wear our microphones in our chests.
So when I get that hug on the end, you don't hear anything because our microphones are up against each other. The stuff that they whisper in my ear.
Fredo, I knew it was you. No, no.
Just, thank you, man. You saved my life.
You saved my family. Wow.
My wife is a... You know, those little things.
And unfortunately, nobody gets to to hear it but it really freaking inspires the hell out of me yeah very nice that's awesome one last question have you been back to the o-face no i haven't i want to know how's sick doing i hear from sick every once in a while he was working at another bar uh-huh he was a good guy yeah uh he's working in another bar i haven't heard from him in a while but i know he's doing well i've even heard from six parents once or twice but the owner of O-Face went to jail the guy or the girl the guy went to jail damn for harassing an employee or something doesn't surprise me either but it sort of validified me not doing it yes it proved the dick that he in fact was absolutely absolutely alright John Taffer thank you as always we appreciate it and tune in sometime in the future we will be on a bar rescue, guys. We'll work on it through this summer.
Yes. Thanks.
Good to see you both. And now for something completely different.
Okay, it is that time of the week. We have our intern, Jilly Football, in studio.
The Jilly Beans. Let's start there.
So you now have your own personal beehive. Beyonce has the beehive.
You have the Jilly Beans. I do.
Do you understand the type of power you now wield online knowing that the Jilly Beans will do your bidding for you? Yep. And they better start doing it now.
Oh, wow. She's rolling with an iron fist already.
Who's the first enemy? Pete.

Let's fucking smash Pete.

I can't believe what Pete did today.

PFT, Pete said that he didn't care when his kids were born.

And Jilly... What do you mean by don't care when his kids were born?

He said it wasn't that good of a day.

He said it wasn't the best day of his life.

It was just like another day.

Just another Tuesday.

Now they're here.

He said it actually sucked.

He actually said it sucked because he had to sleep on like a chair.

Yeah, he was mad because he had to sleep on like a chair. He probably, yeah.
He was mad because he had to miss work to go to his kid's birth. You know what you need? He'd rather sit and watch TV.
Right. For your Jilly Beans, you need an emoji that signifies that the Jilly Beans are swarming.
So like when the Bayhive does it, they do like all the bees or sometimes the lemons for the lemonade. What can the jelly bean emoji be? Let's go through here.
I was looking. There are no jelly bean emojis.
Yeah, but there's got to be something that looks like a bean, right? Is there a bean emoji? I don't know about that. Maybe we can have everyone.
Let's see. There's the David Bowie emoji.
That'd be kind of cool. I feel like you're a big Bowie.'t know what that is oh what about these little tinkerbells tinkerbells would be funny if the jilly beans unite and you have little tinkerbells coming after you you jill is now by the way for people who aren't watching uh pft and i are looking through our emojis jill is just holding her phone pretending to look through her emojis yeah i knew that's what you were doing you were holding your phone up like this is what we're doing now and i'm looking right at your phony you just to know how to get them up.
Yeah. I knew that's what you were doing.
You were holding your phone up like, this is what we're doing now. And I'm looking right at your phone and you don't know how to get them up.
The grapes look like they could be jelly beans almost. Oh, okay.
Maybe that will be what we do. Some grapes.
Grapes. Do you like grapes? Grapes going? You know what grapes end up being? Wine.
That's sheesh. That's sheesh.
Sheesh. Yeah.
Sheesh. Hmm.
Okay. Well, we'll find one.
Okay. Listen, after everyone listens, let's crowdsource this.
People can come with what they think would be great for the Jilly Beans to assemble. Who came up with the idea of Jilly Beans? I did.
It's great. That's been her nickname forever.
It's been my nickname forever. Jilly Beanie Weenie.
Jilly Be beanie weenie so do you have anything

so we're taping this on monday right now uh so we're gonna put it out on friday yes so you haven't been able to listen to wednesday's show just yet but you did listen to friday's show and you listened to monday's show do you have anything that you're not mad but disappointed at us before?

Well, I'm not mad.

Uh-oh.

Disappointed?

Yeah?

Who is this guy that eats the bugs he's a guy online yeah we don't know him we don't know him yeah are you sure it might be a bear one of you but okay well we don't know for sure it could be a bear it could be hank too but like it's an anonymous account aha well you gotta worry about those yeah well as a mother would you do if one of your children was like hey mom I've been eating bugs my whole life but he started eating ladybugs yeah well no you don't eat ladybugs misogynistic ladybugs are luck they're good luck it's true however but then you know you did okay go but he has had good luck because he basically has been eating bugs his then, you know, you did. Okay, go.

But he has had good luck because he basically has been eating bugs his whole life and he hasn't been bitten by a spider until just now. So the luck has been great.
Maybe it's because he stopped eating his gateway bugs and has gone on to bigger things. Well, he got what he deserved.
He did. He did.
Finally, the bug bite back. Yeah.
What about this? How about I feel like you have a keen skeptical mind and in a case like this with the person that's eating the bugs and the spiders, I've heard some feedback that it might not be a real thing. So sometimes people post these things online and they just make them up to get a response because somebody said that the daddy long lays, they don't build a web and that they don't have long enough fangs to puncture skin so it might be fake so if you see if any of these stories online pop up i want you to kind of raise the red flag if you see something that doesn't look right something that doesn't add up and just be woke for us and just let us know that hey that was a cool story you guys told but i don't know if it's true or not okay can you do that i can do that but let's let's go on if it's true or not okay what about this eating shit what about what about it do you eat shit and explain explain yes i do yes well he doesn't i do have a shitty grin on my face right now well i love the shit and grin yeah that always Who told you that I ate shit? He was listening to the show.
I do have a shit-eating grin on my face right now. Well, I love the shit-eating grin.
That always works. Who told you that I ate shit? I listened to the show.
And you did not respond. Which actually was opposite.
So he didn't respond because I don't think he actually ate the shit. But he says he did eat the shit.
So this is what we're debating right now. I'm standing on the table saying that I ate shit.
And Big Cat, no, you didn't. It's an honor.
Because your response was very slow. So flashback about a year.
I may have said that I would eat horse poop if the Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup. Now, at the time, in my defense.
Actually, it was just to beat the Penguins, which was our Stanley Cup at the time. So in my defense at the time, I just kind of agreed to it because I was hungover.
I was upset. I was just getting back from a long trip.
And they were taking advantage of me and my weak brain at the time. My brain was about two hours of sleep.
And so it was a weak brain moment. I agreed to it.
But being a man of integrity and honor, I ended up going up to Central Park, picking out the nicest, juiciest Clodsdale nugget I could find, chowing down. And Hank saw me.
But not really on camera. So we don't know if that's for sure.
We don't know. Turned his back.
Only Hank and I will know. And to be fair, I washed my mouth out right afterwards.
And poop is actually sterile. So it's good.
So are you saying you don't want us to do that not mad disappointed if any of us were to eat poop well i'd be disappointed if you didn't record it in some way yeah good i mean i you know that's really i'm not mad but they're disappointed because i you but disappointed because seeing is believing. There's a gif out there.

Good point.

We can find the video.

We'll show you the video.

I thought for a second, are you upset that I lied about eating shit maybe?

Which would you rather? Me not eat shit and say that I ate shit or me eat shit and say that I didn't eat shit?

Which lie would you rather I tell? I don't want you to lie. Yeah.
Okay. Well, I'm not lying.
Okay. You're not lying.
You did eat shit. Ate Clydesdale.
Define eat. That's not Clydesdales anyway at Central Park.
I don't know what horses are. Have you ever seen the Budweiser Clydesdales? Yeah, yeah.
Those are beautiful. Majestic.
Define eat Because I definitely put it in my mouth and chewed. You chewed? And then, yeah.
Oh, I would have like an oyster just like that. No, I didn't swallow it.
Damn. Spitters are quitters.
I just spit it right back up. Oh.
All right, so. That counts.
Yeah. I think that counts.
All right, so what else? Is there anything else that you're not mad but disappointed in? No. I could go back and we could do a little bit of, I was not mad, a little disappointed in, but not you guys.
Yeah. In your listeners.
Yeah. Careful.
About the lacrosse. And I thought they were a little sensitive.
I thought we could bust chops here. But, you know, Paul's now my new BFF.
Okay, Paul Rabel. Yes, he's, you know, all is good.
Lacrosse is fine. I'm just, but I'm jilly football.
I'm not jilly any other sport. Right, right.
So I was just a little taken aback. Well, they want to defend their territory.
And they should. And they did.
And I think all is well. And I'm not going to bring it up again.
Okay. You're not going to bring up the fact that lacrosse is not a real sport again.
I guess I won't. Yes.
Never. You won't.
You know, I'm from the West. We didn't play lacrosse.
Right. There was nothing.
It was football. All you were saying is you wish that it was Zac Efron of course of course he's dreamy he is dreamy all right uh do we have our license to Jill we do all right let's do it license to Jill to end out the week okay hey thrilly jilly I love these what is your go-to food to cook for the family on holidays? Oh, great question.
Every day is a holiday in our house. Whoa.
Cake every day? Cake every day. Every day.
Cake and pie. Pumpkin pie.
Okay. Who cooks anymore? That's a good point.
So every day is a holiday, but no cooking. I gave up cooking.
You know, now they all... You guys eat differently than what we grew up with.
We eat seamless. Seamless.
Oh, I discovered seamless. Postmates.
I'm sorry. Postmates.
Oh, I don't know Postmates yet, but I discovered Seamless. We'll get you on Postmates.
So what did you use to like? What was Jill's famous dish? Oh, penne alla vodka. I love vodka sauce.
Can you make us some of that? Very underrated. I can always make it.
Wait, you just baked Hank for his birthday. You cooked cookies.
He never ate them, but I did.

Yeah.

Interesting.

You should just throw them away because they're not good anymore. Hank's very picky.

Damn, Hank.

How could you do that to Jilly?

It's true.

There were so many.

I ate like 30 of them.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

So you're a baker, not a cooker.

No, I used to cook, but no, baking.

You can just throw everything off the counter, clean it, and bake. That's what I like.
Okay, all right. It relaxes me.
Okay, next one. What was your first time being drunk like, and what happened? Well, how would I know what happened? Yeah, true.
You blacked out. You rage.
And it was a long time ago. It was probably Southern Comfort.
Yeah. I started drinking Southern Comfort and Coke, then Southern Comfort and 7-Up, and then just straight Southern Comfort.
Oh, my God. So we used to drink, though, during football games.
We'd have peppermint schnapps. And every time we'd have a touchdown.

Whoa.

Yep.

We got to party with Jilly Fools. The UNLV football team.

UNLV football team.

This sounds fun.

Okay.

Back in the Ron Meyer days.

All right, next one.

Okay.

When you're enjoying a glass of wine or two, I don't know, how dangerous are you?

And what's your go-to drinking song? A drinking song. I have so many.
Okay. I can, you know, my latest song is something you guys would never know.
Try me. It's called.
Black Eyed Peas. No.
Oh, no.

We don't sing.

Let's get... It's a long way to Tipperary.

I walked right into that one.

Oh, yeah.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

After Monday's show,

I walked right into that one.

God damn it.

A long way to Tipperary.

A long way to Tipperary, yeah.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

Of course.

It's a long way.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

It's a long way to Tipperary. It's a long way to Tipperary.
It's a long way to Tipperary. It's a long way to Tipperary.
It's a long way to Tipperary. It's a long way to Tipperary.
It's a long way to come home. It's a nice Irish drinking song.
It's a great Irish drinking song. So, you know, I don't drink Guinness, but I do enjoy my Irish coffees.
So you just load it all the time. All the time.
You've got like nine examples of your favorite drinks. Always.
Okay. I love it.
Do you got any others? I think that's it for today. so jilly football thank you as always so we're taping it on a monday because you're gonna be out this week but we will see you in a week we're gonna miss you oh are you gonna miss us of course maybe some chocolate i'll listen though i'll listen maybe some chocolate chip cookies when you come back or some brownies to make us feel like we were totally neglected

i don't know i'm sorry okay i like you know what i like is cupcakes but not the cupcakes that are like have the huge pile of frosting on top it's just a normal cupcake yeah oh so darling jake i should bring him some public yes yeah oh yeah you can buy it you can buy the cupcakes oh yeah bring us. Bring us back a Pub Sub from Publix.
Publix Sub. You got to give me your order.
Okay. I'll take a buffalo chicken.
Yeah, I'll do the same. Thank you.
Okay. They're delicious.
All right. So we'll see those in what? Like a week? Yep.
Okay. Hopefully they stay fresh.
All right. Jilly beans.
What about gas for the jilly beans? Just like the fart cloud because of beans. Oh, that's good.
I was thinking it was more like the can't yeah the jelly beans but yeah yeah okay we'll figure it out we'll workshop we'll crowdsource the emojis that jelly beans have but can i ask a question yeah that has nothing to do with but has to do with twitter yeah okay so i've been on twitter and i i know the at sign, like at, you know. Tag somebody.
911, yeah. But what does a hashtag mean? Hashtag means that people are talking about that word.
So if you do hashtag Jilly Beans, then other people can see, they can click on the Jilly Beans and see who else has used that phrase Jilly Beans all over Twitter. Does that make sense? No.
Okay. I don't know how else to explain it.
Okay. So, all right.
So, if you're like, so if the game's on, all right, the 49ers are playing. Okay.
Boom. Huge touchdown for the 49ers.
You'll be like, that was an awesome touchdown. Hashtag 49ers.
So, you can see everyone else talking about the 49ers. But why you want to ask us why you want to know what actually if you want to figure out how to use hashtags uh go to samuel jackson's twitter account he'll figure he'll show you how it's very well i heard i heard i heard that and i thought this guy sounds like me yeah uh-huh so you know what Just hashtag however you want.
Hashtag random words. Hashtags aren't very important.
Oh, they're not important. No, no, no.
I think if you use them, you're either Darren Revelle, bleep that name out. You're a narc.
Or you're a narc. Yeah.
Or just use hashtags however you want. Okay.
Okay. So any words you want.
I'll try a hashtag this week. Promise? Okay.
I promise. At least one.
Okay, promise at least one hashtag. Okay.
Jilly, thank you. Thanks, guys.
Appreciate it. We'll see you next week.
Promise? I promise. At least one.
Promise at least one hashtag.

Okay.

Jilly, thank you.

Thanks, guys.

Appreciate it.

We'll see you next week.

Okay.

Love you guys.

Love you guys. I'm walking away.
I don't know what I'm about to say.

I'm saying it anyway.

Today is another day to find you.

Shining away.

I'll be coming for your love of free.

Shining away.

I'll be coming for your love of free.

Take on me.

Take on me.

Take me. Take on me.
Take on me. Take me.

Take on me.

Take on me.

Take me. Thank you.
Take me off Take me off

Take me off