Life. With Ryen Russillo and Mark Titus

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On today's part of my take, we have something a little different for you.

We have life advice to our former self with Ryan Russillo and Mark Titus.

I think you guys are going to really enjoy this.

We talk about a lot of different things.

And then we also added a little Mount Rushmore of things we think that we are elite at. So like I

said, a little different of a Monday episode because I had the kid and I'm trying to be a dad

for at least the first week attentive. So we threw this together during grit week and it's a lot of

fun because it's one long episode. I'm going to power through a few ads right now and then we'll

get to the episode. We're going to get right back to the show.
Introducing Instagram teen accounts, a new way to keep your teen safer as they grow, like making sure they always have their seatbelt on. All right, buckle up.
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All right, back to part of my take. We're going to get right back to the show.
Introducing Instagram teen accounts, a new way to keep your teen safer as they grow, like making sure they've got the right gear for riding. Kneepads.
Check. And helmet.
Done. See you, Dad.
New Instagram teen accounts, automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see. All right, back to part of my take.
We're going to get right back to the show. Introducing Instagram teen accounts, a new way to keep your teen safer as they grow, like making sure they've got the right gear for riding.
Knee pads. Check.
And helmet. Done.
See you, Dad. New Instagram teen accounts, automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.
All right, back to part of my take. Okay, here we go.
My child arrived just the other day. He came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay. He learned to walk while I was away.
And he was talking for for I knew it And as he grew, he'd say

I'm gonna be like you

Dad, you know I'm gonna

Be like you

And the cats and the cradle and the shoes

Little boy blue and the man in the moon

When you're coming home, dad

I don't know when

But we'll get together then You know we'll have a good time then. Welcome to part of my take presented by Cash App.
No idea what date this is. Well, it is June.
I'll tell you what date it is. May 23rd.
It is your son's birthday. Yeah.
So hopefully, knock on wood, my son has been born. A healthy, masculine child.
We're all having a great day. So this is a future.
Thanks. It's just like you.
Yeah. I haven't figured out a name.
I'm going to give a little sniff and look at him. LeBron Cats.
I always wanted to name a kid Reggie. Well, I've actually been, yeah, Reggie's a good name.
I like that. What's wrong with that? No.
What if you name your kid Hank Hates Cats? Ooh. That's pretty good.
All right, so we should set this up. You've been hanging out of that one, huh? No, top of the head.
How long has that one been in my draft? So this is the emergency podcast that we're taping in May. It's Rosillo, Titus, PFT, myself.
We're in LA. It's the's the end of grit week.
Could Tate not make it? Tate is in the backyard smoking trees. Is that bad that I said that? It's L.A.
It's L.A. It's L.A.
So we are doing like an evergreen episode that we can run the day that my child is born so that you still have part of my take. And we thought, what better way to do that than have a life advice to your former self? And what better way to do that than have Ryan Rosillo on who is going through a midlife crisis? Yeah.
Both. Both accurate.
All right. It's like my joggers.
Those are pretty nice. You are wearing.
Do you not wear socks? Are you into CrossFit now? Well, I mean, personal bests are sort of my thing now. Yeah, that's actually one of my life advice to my former self.
I like it. When you see a PR on Instagram, that's a personal record.
Gotcha. First question for you, Ryan.
Have you ever worked out with Jay Glazer? No, but I did go to a house party at his place not that long ago. Then got another invite.
I got a follow-up invite. So you were a hit.
So it went well. Yeah.
Good. A lot of the NFL coaches are like, we like you.
Oh, name the names. Well, Dom Capers.
Okay. Yeah, real party guy.
How old is Dom? Marv Levy? Dom's going to be pushing 80 by now, right? Levy was hitting on the girl I was with. Levy? Dude, Marv Levy is like 95 and still got it.
Gil Brandt. He just goes, hey, I know I lost four, but at least I made it.
Yeah. Hey, those are the glory days.
Alright, so we're going to do life advice to our former self, not the Players Tribune that we were just clowning on, which we can clown on again. J.J.
Watt doing his, and then I saw a kid in a J.J. Watt jersey under the stands at my high school.
Yeah, I remembered. What do you guys think that Derek Jeter's like as an editor? Yeah, he's very hands-on.
He sends a lot of notes back. He probably just trades away his best writers.
Yeah, exactly. I thought of that joke, and I was like, I'm not going to say it.
It's too obvious. I'm glad I said it.
Wait a minute. You guys don't like J.J.
Watt again now? No, we do.

That was old J.J. that wrote that.
That was before he was cool.

Right.

He wrote an article saying why I almost retired.

So he basically did the retirement without retiring.

I love your narrator voice.

You're going to develop that a little bit more.

And he wrote a whole article that he was walking in his hometown.

And by the way, the answer to your question is no, I didn't read it.

Okay, yeah.

So I'm going to tell it to you.

He barely could walk in his hometown. He had a serious leg the answer to your question is no, I didn't read it.
Okay, yeah. So I'm going to tell it to you.
He barely could walk in his hometown.

He had a serious leg injury.

He did.

And he was thinking about retiring.

And then he went to his old high school.

And underneath the stands were kids playing touch football.

And one was wearing a J.J. Watt.

Underneath the stands?

Yeah, like in the shadow of the stands.

A kid was wearing a J.J. Watt Texans jersey.

And he's like, yes, I remember what my mission in life is. That's a great reason to come back.
So if that kid wasn't there, if that kid was wearing a fucking Aaron Donald jersey, J.J. Watt would have retired.
My only reference is I can make her college basketball. So that reminds me of when Coach K took the Lakers job in 2004, and then some kid in a wheelchair wrote him a letter and was like, Coach, stay at he was like didn't think about that until you brought it up in the wheelchair that kid in a wheelchair was actually coach K when he was eight years old when his team wasn't playing well and he had to fake an injury for a second it was a serious back injury you want to start like you want to go in order no well if you're a kid like you want to start at the age of eight okay yeah.
What advice would you give eight-year-old yourself? We'll go general ages. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like mid-elementary school. Don't be the kid who shits himself at school.
Okay. That is a good advice, right? That could be with you for a decade.
No, but you could. Yes.
Oh. If you live in the same town, small town, not a lot of size.
It's a slippery slope. You're the kid who shit his pants.
Yeah. Yeah.
I would say learn to do everything left-handed. Tie your right hand behind your back for a while.
That's a good one. Cursive is overrated.
Yeah. All of our eight-year-old listeners, cursive is fucking, you'll never need it again.
Here's a really good one. If you type 80085 into a calculator and flip it upside down, it says boobs.
That's a little precocious for eight. You weren't doing that when you were eight? No.
No chance. You're a pussy.
I don't think you remember what eight was. Eight was.
I was looking at boobs. So don't shoot yourself.
Use your left hand more. Boobs upside down.
Yep. This actually is a pretty good.
Yeah. That's pretty good.
So, yeah. I think eight's taken care of.
Eight's taken care of. Eight is.
Yeah. There's nothing else.
How good were you at hoops at eight, Titus? I was very good. Like, you were thinking NBA.
This is the story of my life. It was like up until eighth grade, I was destined for.
Were you the tallest kid? I was 6'4 in eighth grade. Fuck.
Oh, so. God damn it.
I dunked in a basketball game in eighth grade. You're Magic Johnson.
You're playing all five positions. I was like, dude, this is the greatest thing ever.
I'm going to the league. And then I just kept getting older, and everyone started getting taller.
And I was what is happening and uh here we are and i'm 6 4 now all right so so the eighth grade i was huge yeah there's a life lesson that's huge i wear i wore armpit hair uh yeah oh yeah i shaved in sixth grade fuck i was shaving in sixth grade you don't want to be so going up to like 12 13 you don't want to be the first kid with the armpit hair no i feel like that's a weird thing see the whole reason i have a beard right now is because in sixth grade i had to i i was the first kid to shave and i wore like a badge of honor where like in school everyone knew me as like the guy who could so like in seventh grade then i had to grow out like a little goatee and everyone's like that's so tight that the guy we have a kid on our basketball team with a fucking goatee were you like a stay back weird kid though no i just like hit puberty at like five years old five years old or something. So you were a normal age? Yeah, I was a normal age.
I'm surprised you became a guard. No offense.
Normally, you guys are just the worst centers who are great in pickup games. Yeah.
Well, I grew up in Indiana, so I could shoot a little bit. But that was...
A little gravel. That's true.
Yeah, so all through high school. In high school football, I grow my beard out.
that was part of it. And like all my friends were like, this is so awesome that we have a guy on our football team that comes out to shake hands at like the coin toss.
He's got a fucking full beard. Yep.
And then that's just like became my identity. I was the beard guy.
So I still have a beard because of that. You might be like Vlad Guerrero and your parents just like never told you that you're two years older than you really are.
That would make a lot of sense. Like when I was eighth grade, I was actually 26, and that's why I was so good.
Were high school girls hitting you up and stuff? Yes. I remember in eighth grade, I dunked in a game, and my brother was in high school at the time, and my brother's riding the bench in high school, and I'm in eighth grade dunking.
My brother would have a party at his house, and all his friends would come over, and girls were hitting on me as an eighth grader because they were like, we heard about the thing. The dog.
We heard you dropped like 35 last night. I was like, man, life's going to be so tight for me.
That was the pinnacle right there. So don't peak then.
Don't peak early. And don't be the first one to grow facial hair.
Yeah, just suck at a lot of stuff when you're in eighth grade. Or if you're 6'4", and you play basketball, and you're in eighth grade, don't forget the guard skills the guard skills yes do not forget the guard so if you gave advice to a 13 year old right now like if i gave advice to my own 13 something like make sure you stash all the playboy i was gonna say 13 year old 13 year old guys it's just all about boner management right but now it's like they have porn i assume what do you mean you assume okay well i don't know the child locks and shit on computers or so.
It gets fucking crazy. You're naive right now.
Kids will always find a way. No, I know they will.
Life finds a way. It's chaos theory.
But yeah, it's very different. I don't even know how you could give advice to someone who has a 13 year old who has full access to porn versus like every 13 year old in the history of the world prior.
They're completely different like beings. Could you imagine? Yeah.
If you're 13 and you had a computer? The world's at your fingertips. It is kind of scary, actually.
That is. I'm still ready to say something.
I don't know what the fuck. I just didn't know if other guys get high on this podcast before it started.
No. No, we haven't.
We've actually. Actually, the last two nights we've been taping, and we're just at the end of a rope by the time the sun goes down.
It feels like my career's over. So we feel like we're high.
It's a natural. You know how runners get high if they just run constantly? I'm high on friendship.
If we run our mouths constantly all day long, we get high at the end of it, and we just say the stupidest shit. But it's a good point.
If you're raising a kid in 2027, how the fuck are you going to keep porn away from that kid? I feel like PFT and I are locked in. I think Titus is half with us.
You're lost. Well, my question is, do you have to draw a line somewhere? Because you can't give in to if you're 13 years old and every time you get a boner, you're watching porno.
That's like, yeah, that's all I remember about. Yeah, I'm with Josh McCown on this one.
Yeah. Sometimes you get on a flight to Omaha and you end up in Detroit.
That's what happens when you masturbate online. Yeah.
I would, I would honestly tell 13 year old PFT, uh, go no fat. Just like store all that testosterone.
Hit the steroids. Yeah.
Hit the gym. Yeah.
All right. Let's let we'll, we'll, let's progress.
We'll go to the let's just go straight to the 20s. Yeah.

Let's time vault.

The fact that we just did like 10 minutes on 13 year olds.

I don't even finish that sentence.

I know.

All right. 20 years old.

20.

20.

Now we're cooking.

Now we're cooking.

20 years old.

You're half a brain.

Yep.

Third of a brain.

No matter how smart you think you are. You're an idiot that's the problem with being 20 yeah is that you think you're smart but you actually only have having a third of a brain you can't realize that you only have a third of a brain you think you got a full brain no when you're 20 and you've only been 20 i know this sounds simple but this is why everyone older than you hates you because they all went through the exact same thing where it's like, I got everything figured out.
And then you just realize you don't. And it doesn't mean you're not smart.
It doesn't mean you're not creative. Like when I think about creative people, usually those peak years are in those twenties.
You know, you're seeing things for the first time you're experiencing in new ways and you're reacting. And then it's like, you know, I think most creative people, there's special ones, but there's some that's like, hey, you just kind of had like one or two really good ideas when you were young, and then it just, you get to hang on for a while.
That's most of this stuff. Music, I mean, how many bands do you go, you know what I liked was their seventh album.
Like, it just doesn't really happen. So that's where if I'm young, I kind of want to be like like fuck you to everybody older who's telling me what's up but we're talking like the general population here just the normalcy of going through it you can't you can't have any of this perspective that you're going to need and you're definitely going to have a little bit later so nobody really wants to like they may respect you and be cordial and talk to you but they still think you're an idiot when you leave the room yeah and you need to know that when you're 20 because you don't want to believe it.
You're listening to this. You're like, that's not true.
Screw you guys. The safest bet in the world is that when you turn 30, you're going to go, I can't believe I thought the way I did about everything.
It's not like your political beliefs change, your morals change. It's just it's hard to explain.
But another third of life experience makes you like, all the shit that I thought was so important, and I just, I would say I'd finished it this way, is all the stuff you think is so important almost isn't at that point in your life. Here's my question, though.
As the old man in the room, does that ever end? Does this cycle of, like, you know, because, like, the whole reason I got off Facebook was because when Facebook started doing the, hey, you posted this three years ago, thought you'd like to see this. That was it.
I didn't give a shit about the privacy. I didn't give a shit about the memes or the fake news or anything else.
It was I would log into Facebook and be like, remember when you posted this three years ago? And then I would cringe and I'd be like, God, I was the worst three years ago. Thank God I have it figured out now.
And then three years pass and then I do it again. Like, wait, I was an asshole.
Does that ever end ever end like when you get in your 40s are you looking back at when you're 36 and you're like bad posts never end i don't think no because i could go back and see a tweet that somebody replied to that i wrote three years later and i thought it was hilarious yeah and i go that wasn't even funny so i don't think that ever stops i hate that i harassed you for like a full year and a half on twitter yeah because you harass me so much i wasn't ever gonna give yeah that wasn't very funny that was that was 20s year old like how far back can you go in your in your tweet history to find something that's genuinely funny one week all outdated i think a day old i'm still sometimes like oh what was that to answer your question i think that it's about the age of 60 i would assume would be the point where you you don't when you're 60 you don't look at a picture of yourself when you're 50 and you're like oh i was such a shithead yeah you're basically the same person right at point right okay you even probably look back at that at that point you're like that was pretty cool i wish i could go do that again yeah the other the other thing to your point rossil is like just as simple when you're 20 and this sounds very simple because everyone always says it but it really is the truth you actually do think that you are 100 invincible i think of dumb shit like i remember i once dove off a dock in madison in the summer and and hit my fucking shoulder on the on the ground on the bottom of the fucking badass bro it easily could have paralyzed myself like shit like that where you're like i'm fine i'll be fine and even when you hit your shoulder you probably got up and you're like whoa no that was crazy you were like holy shit i almost died yeah you're like wait what i almost fucking was in a wheelchair for the rest of my life like stupid shit that you do when you're 20 you honestly think you will survive everything and anything that happens and it's crazy because it's not ryan what were you thinking of when you were like when you're 20 years old you've got it all figured out and you know the answer to everything but guess what you don't know shit is there like something specifically that you thought when you were 20 i had like two different stages in my 20s where i was like okay this isn't this isn't going according to plan like i never thought i was an idiot you know i actually did think i was smart but i knew enough to think I was like okay there's stuff that I don't know but I needed to get my act together in school and it was really tenuous of like wait a minute maybe I'm just going to be like a guy who works construction not that there's anything wrong with that but that was kind of what I was always banking on I'm like if this doesn't work out I'm just going to go home and work construction for my father and then eventually I have my own contractor business and that's what I'm going to end up doing and it was funny because when that happened and then it happened again when I was 27 I was just like wow like I did you think you were like when you think around like this is kind of weird but if you look around your group of friends and you'd probably nail it but you go around the room and go who's going to be the loser and who's going to be the winner out of this group yeah okay yeah and you know sometimes the guy that you think is the winner is the guy that thinks he has it more figured out he presents himself as having it more figured out that's another thing i'd give advice to the younger us at 20 is your buddy who like interned at merrill lynch in college and then immediately get a job and he's telling you he's going to be an investment banker and he's wearing a suit to happy hour on thursday and he's at like pj clark's right right yeah and he's like we go to vegas on Thursday, and he's at like PJ Clark's. And he's 70K at 23.

Yeah, and he's like, we go to Vegas on the weekends,

and you're trying to scrap together rent money.

That guy's more full of shit than anybody

because nobody in his bank respects him.

He's not doing anything cool.

And even though he's making like 70,

it's not like to live in New York City,

it's not like you're killing it.

So you'll do this thing where you start to compare yourself to the guy it looks like he's winning the most out of your group of friends and there's a really good chance like his life is going to be reset three or four different times so don't do that don't compare yourself to that guy but you also have to look around the room go am i maybe the loser of this group too because that's like a really nasty conversation and i had that conversation with myself right now i'd be like i never looked around the room and thought i'd be the loser out of this group and then two different times i'm like i bet every one of my friends is like we're still as the loser out of our group see i feel like everyone's had and that may not everyone but most people have had that internal dialogue with them but i remember vividly two years out of college my friend group everyone had the Merrill Lynch job or Deloitte or something like that. And I was not.
And the real estate market crashed. And I was like, wait, I am the loser.
Like, this is me. I'm the loser.
Why? Were you doing real estate? Yeah, I was doing real estate and it fucking crashed. Were you telling everybody before it crashed that you were killing it? Because that's the guy I love.
building literally was like you fired half the half the staff like six months in and they're like hey this guy makes thirty thousand dollars a year let's keep him and i looked around and i was like wait everyone else is killing it and i suck and i feel like that happens but everyone they have that moment to give yourself credit on this is that the fact that you even have and i guess i'm giving myself some credit too do you even have that self-awareness to go i think i might be the loser oh yeah means you probably won't end up being the loser but that was just the thing like you know people mature at different ages i matured later than my friends in a weird way but then some of my friends are like you matured way ahead of us because you knew like no matter what i am fucking doing this and this is all i'm doing and everybody get out of my way and i don't care about any of that other stuff so if i were to sum up that whole thing it's it's don't get so caught up in like comparing yourself to the other dudes because you're going to have some real alex p keaton types anybody get that reference no no no yeah you're gonna you're gonna have some guys that are just getting after it and you're going to think, oh man, I suck. It doesn't matter.
The dude that is looking like they have their shit put together when they're 23, 24 years old, that's the guy that hits the midlife crisis first. That's the guy that wants to get away from it because they grew up too fast.
You're going to. Yeah.
Eventually you will. You're going to catch up.
On the other hand, I would actually tell my younger self, like age 21, 22, to spend more money because I was afraid when I got out of college. I was like, I don't know.
You know, okay. I do the math every month.
Okay. I'd have this month for rent and then I don't have that much left over.
I'll try to save some. And And I was, like, afraid of doing cool stuff sometimes because I didn't know if I was going to have enough money to make rent the next month.
Like, take some risks with your money. That's a great call because I've had friends that actually have said, and, you know, these are, like, there's different lanes for all this stuff.
But a couple of my friends that are really successful, their whole thing was I'm not going to worry about saving money in my 20s and i know that sounds ridiculous and you know look put a little aside but if you're sitting there being like okay i'm going to live this cramped lifestyle when i have a decent job and i have prospects and your whole career has to be like is this growing am i going to be going because if it is going to go in the right direction then you're going to making that money back in your 30s. And I think there's a real thing within your 20s to just go experience life as much as you possibly can.
I think people should go to college in their 30s. Agreed.
I totally agree with that. I think if I went to college right now, I would love it.
I would enjoy it. You'd be so good at it.
I like learning. Right.
Right when I went. Great note taker.
I was like eight. No, I suck at taking notes.
I'm super disorganized. But I would like to go to college right now and learn stuff.
When I went, I was 18, and I just wanted a piece of paper when I was 21, 22, saying, okay, you have a degree. Good job.
I was an English lit major, and I think I read maybe two books my entire four years because I would just go online last second, look at the spark notes. What about a college for adults? Why don't we start? No, it should have to go get a job for five years, then go to college at like 24.
I don't think I learned that much in college. I really don't.
I think I learned how to fake tests and just skate by using, show up to class and figure out what everybody else is talking about, and then kind of listen to them, figure out what's going to be on the test. I learned how to skate my ass through college, but I didn't really learn anything.
If I went right now, I feel like I would really learn stuff. And you're a student of life now.
Well, this is a problem. Yeah, Hard Knocks University.
This is a problem I had my whole life where I was shooting for my armpit hair, and I could dunk, and I was really popular, and women wanted me, and I was like, God damn. When did you have sex first time? Yeah, dude.
You probably had sex so early. It's so early a so early we're gonna get to watch your number later yeah you're you're you're pursuing you're pursuing the uh end result and not the process of like you like i never really learned how to like study or how to to uh work hard i learned that like i'm in school I'm trying to get an A on this test by any means necessary.

I didn't cheat,

but it was like,

I don't,

I'm not going to retain any of this shit.

I'm just trying to get the A on the piece of paper so then I can get the cool

GPA.

So then I can get into the college and then,

and then I can have a great life.

And at no point did anyone like,

did I really think about,

you know,

like it was better for me to like get an A plus and not learn anything than to

be the guy that got like a B minus,

but like learned a ton and had a lot of growth in that class.

Like,

wow,

that was very enriching.

Yeah.

And I feel like that's a mistake a lot of us make. It sucks because all those quotes, they're actually real.
When you're like, oh, you learn more from failure than success. Like, fuck.
It's so lame, but it actually is real, and I feel like a douchebag for saying it. The way message got me, it's true.
Yeah.

No, if I had to do it over again, I think I'd probably not.

I wouldn't go to college until I was 25 years old.

That would be really weird.

Well, no, I think a lot of.

Yeah, it would be.

It would be weird.

At the time, I had friends that did that same thing and then go to college until they were like 22, 23.

I was like, that guy's a fucking weirdo.

Yeah, don't you look back on.

I don't know if you guys had this when you were in college, but I did have guys that were in their 30s in some of my classes. And we would...
No, that was that JC transfer. Yeah, yeah.
I remember laughing with those guys. I was like, look at this fucking guy that's 30 years old in class.
That's hilarious. And now it's one of those things.
You look back, you're like, man, I really was an asshole. We had a lunch lady in high school go go for a high school degree that was awkward oh because you know when you're in high school you're not like really mature enough to like deal with that no one can do that no one can be cool about that no she well i mean it was it was can't survey it was vineyard so like she didn't have a lot of other high school options so she went high school so the lady that took our lunch money who started trying to go back to get her high school diploma.
And we were all really supportive. And we're happy now.
Like, guys were totally freaked out about it. We're all shithead 16.
How long have you haven't turned that into like a romantic comedy? Seems like it seems like a limited series. What would season three be? Polly Madison 2.
No, let's just run through it right there. Because your first season, she's your lunch lady.
Second season, she's your classmate and your lunch lady. Third season, she's back to being your lunch lady.
No, third season is just to build up the prom. Fourth season, she's selling meth out of the lunch lady cafeteria.
Right. Okay, and then fifth season, she gets her degree, and she marries one of the chefs, and everybody's happy.
Boom, there's a show. That's good.
Put that, print that show. Actually, delete that.
Somebody will steal it. Yeah it yeah no that's true so we will definitely steal it uh so moving forward the quarter life crisis which i've taught we've all talked about before but that shit is real when you turn 26 27 and you're like wait i'm just gonna be doing this job forever like for the rest of time and you have to stop and be, I think I want to do something different here.
I think for me, it was when I was 20, I thought I had it all figured out. But I had half a brain or a third of a brain.
Yeah, but you weren't playing. So at that point, you had to figure like.
You had a book. You were viral before viral was live.
Yeah, you were like the first school social media guy. Maybe I should leave.
You were way ahead of us.

That is funny.

You were very far.

Who was the guy in the Marlins? We said the guy who's always.

Who was the guy in the Marlins that Logan Morrison?

That everybody loved because he was like a funny tweeter every now and then.

You were him before he was him.

Yeah.

And you still have staying time.

I had a very easy.

Yeah.

Like looking back, it was very, very easy because, again,

none of the tweets that I tweeted were any good whatsoever. It was just like, holy shit, this guy's on a basketball team and is like not taking You and Shaq on Twitter anyway.
2009. It was different, man.
When I was 20, I thought I had it all figured out and I obviously didn't. And then when I was 25, it was like, oh shit, I don't have this figured out when, like, the panic sets in.
I think that's what it is. And then you take those next – for me, it was like I took those next five years.
And it's not like I have it figured out now. But, like, I kind of do when you hit 30.
So I feel like that's the progression of 20 to 25. You know nothing, but you're not phased by it.
You're half a brain. You don't understand.
Who cares? Yeah. Your half a brain doesn't let you understand that you only have half a brain.
Then 25 to 29, you become aware that you've only had half a brain for all this life. And you're like, shit, I got to grow a full brain here.
And you spend 25 through 29 being like, uh-oh, what's going on? What are taxes? Yes. Yes.
Should I? You would hopefully. Hank just did his taxes for the first time.
26. 25?

25?

25.

Also, when you get your first place, the bills that come in the mail, you actually have to pay those.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a big one.

That sucks.

Some asshole was telling me I owe him money.

Fuck you.

I've never met this guy in my life. We used to have a thing.

Dominion Resources.

One of the apartments I lived in, I think when I was 22, was Burlington.

We didn't pay our electricity bill until they came to shut it off.

The guy would show up every month and be like, I'm here to turn it off. Be like, hold on.
That's how we paid. Flip the couch.
That was their process. We thought, yeah, we kill it.
We pay it every month. We're like, no, no.
He's like, you guys got to stop doing it. Send in a check like the rest of society here.
But the 27 thing, it happened for me at 27 too,

but I never know if that's just nature

or if that's just where you're at in 27.

There are people that are,

I don't know if it's being more simple.

I don't know if it's having expectations

that are lower sometimes in a weird way.

Like I think having lower expectations

could be a way more fun way to go about it

because you'd just be at peace and you'd be content.

And I think there's a lot of people out there

and part of me admires them for that.

And if you're able to achieve that at an earlier age then you shouldn't listen to anything we're saying but nothing yeah there's a real part of it too where i knew very early on i was gonna have to do something different and when i'm hanging out and i'm bartending and i'm sleeping in until noon and I'm golfing or playing pickup hoops and then I'd fish on the lake and then I'd go in for a 10 o'clock shift and then I'd stay up until four again and then do it over. And guys are like, you're killing it.
It's awesome. That does sound pretty cool.
It's awesome. And you're like, I'm killing it at 25.
Right. But I don't, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't want to do this when I'm 30.

And guys kept coming up to visit because I was still in the same town where I went to college.

And guys were coming back up to visit.

And a couple guys were engaged.

And I'm, like, pouring them a couple beers.

And they're looking at me.

And I'm going, they're not looking at me with admiration.

They're going, holy shit, Rusillo stayed.

But you were also kind of there vacation a little bit. It's like, I'm going to go party with Rosillo this weekend.
Because it's like, that's the old days. Well, that was, yeah, it was cool for them.
But like on Sunday when they went back to reality and then I was like, yeah, I have the day off. It is the first time you go back to like the college you went to and you are like, okay, I'm a little old here.
That's like when it starts to set it,

this isn't what it used to be like 26,

27.

You're like,

Oh,

this is,

we're not,

this isn't what we were doing like five years ago.

Okay. But let me,

let me just ask all you,

cause you're right.

But if I ask you guys this stuff,

and here's kind of the,

the,

the part of it,

that's the,

the game is if you didn't have those inner things, those freak outs you have achieved any of this stuff no absolutely not so you're right i've driven myself crazy but i also knew deep down that if i was the guy that was like hey i met somebody who was great at 25 and i could have married her i could have had kids and i could have sold insurance but i knew i knew and i no one told me hey you're gonna be miserable but i just knew but I just knew I was going to be miserable if I did that, that way. Right.
So I had to do it, and then, you know, I think the overall thing is like, all that shit, none of it matters. Like, some girl's going to dump you, and it doesn't matter.
You're 20, you know? If you get dumped at 60, that's a different conversation. You know, if you lose a job, it doesn't matter.
Like, all the things, because you haven't had that life advice, all these things that you

think matter so much, at the end of the day, they don't really matter.

Like I remember I went home.

I went away to like take some gig and it was like an on-air thing and everybody wrote it

up in the local paper.

It was a big deal.

I flamed out in like six months and I was home shingling and guys from home were like,

give me the like, oh, Mr. Big Shot.

And I'm like, fuck you. You're still here.
Like you didn't even leave. And you're making fun of me.
So now is that aggressive? Look who had hopes and dreams over here. Yeah.
That was the aggro phase of your life, right? Who's too good for the oyster bag? Yeah, there you go. It's funny.
So when I was 27, what you're describing, like that was my life. But it was a little bit different because I had a job.
It was a pretty good job for a 27-year-old. Dog salesman? No, that was after that.
Oh, okay. So I was selling software, custom software in Austin, Texas.
That must have been the best software ever, man. I have no idea what the fuck software is, right? How did you even even get into that it's i i took a job selling uh used dogs and parlayed that into selling portable appliances over the phone like an inbound sales rep that sucked parlayed that into selling software testing i was so bad at that that the company folded and then i parlayed that into selling custom software I didn't understand, but I was good at it, I think.
And I got to the age of about 27, and every single day I was like, my paychecks were good. They were really good for a 27-year-old.
How much? I think when I was 27, I made $125,000. Whoa! I still had...
The real estate market still hadn't bounced back. I was like 40,000.
But, but here's the deal. What's the job again? I made 12 grand back here.
Do you have contacts with that company? Here's the thing, like, I was not happy. I was miserable because I didn't give a shit about my job day in and day out.
The music scene was good there though. The music scene was really great and I hated going to work and, You're making bank, bro.
Yeah, I was, Why'd you quit? Yeah. I literally, I don't know if you heard me, but I was like, the real estate market still hadn't bounced back.
I was making 40K. Here's what happened.
Okay. I realized I was addicted to the paycheck.
And if I kept going down this path, I was just going to, I was going to base my entire identity around how much money was in my bank account at the end of the month.

And that's not a good reason to have a job, I don't think.

I was not happy with things.

But you wanted to be creative, though.

I wanted to be creative.

Right.

Exactly.

So you started dabbling a little bit.

Didn't you tell me once you spent way too much time at work just writing stuff on message boards?

Well, not on message boards, but I guess you could consider Twitter. could consider twitter such an own you could consider twitter to be a message board and i auditioned like as a joke for bleach report wrote the worst column on purpose of all time no way you did oh yeah i that's how the character started was uh you wrote like a wait a minute can we see you wrote a column in earnest and then someone wrote back and was like this yeah, that's the joke.
I wrote it the whole time. I wrote a column, and then he was stuck for life.
He's stuck. And that's how he got here.
I wrote a column, and it was that they should fire Chuck Pagano and have Bruce Arians stay the head coach of the Colts when Pagano was coming back from his illness just because, like Bruce Arians had won a bunch of games and Pagano had it.

Anyways, he kept the light on.

Anyways.

Honestly, I could see somebody on TV doing that.

Yes.

Yes.

Yo, it was an homage to Rob Parker, I think, on FS1 now.

But at that point, I remember being like, I'm not happy.

If I keep going down this path,

I'm just going to build a lifestyle around what I'm getting paid right now. And so I'll end up buying house that's too expensive for me i'll end up buying cars that are too expensive sounds horrible no no like i i wasn't on the path to be like you're kind of shitting on me now no i wasn't no i'm not i wasn't going to be a millionaire but but a ton of people out there i think especially in sales jobs they get addicted to the paycheck and they're they're miserable and by the time they turn 40 if they're still going down that path they've got a shitload of other problems because they're not happy with the rest of their life and for me i was like you know what i want to quit and i would be so happy making fifty thousand dollars a year uh as a writer that was like my dream that was my moonshot like fifty thousand dollars as a writer for the rest of my life i will be so happy i know you were talking about this earlier titus um your parents were teachers right my parents were teachers i i was the same way if i thought if i made 70 grand at any point in my life when like in my mid 40s if i peaked at 70 grand a year i would i could buy some tiny ass house and bum fuck indiana and just have a yard i would have been like yes yeah i made it that's it my arrived mom was a teacher, and so that was our income growing up.
And so it was like I know that I can be happy with not a lot of money. I just want to be happy, and I wasn't happy.
And it was at that exact age of 27. It was like you better get off this ride now because if you're 35, 36, 37, still doing the same thing, you're fucked.
You just dug yourself a hole. This goes back to the things that people tell you when you're growing up and you don't believe where it's like uh your happiness has to come from within because um if you do start comparing your success and your happiness to paychecks and you're like i'm making less than my friend he must be happier than me um that's you know that's that's not accurate you could be happy you're making less yeah possibly side yeah but i also know what it was like to be fucking broke yeah and well i mean it was it was the worst the maslow's hierarchy of needs right like you reach a certain level of shit yeah bust that out like you got a roof over your head where's dimble jerry on that yeah you get a certain i mean once you get to a certain level then you start uh seeking the the the enlightenment or whatever.
Is this from that new Jared Diamond? No, but I think that's something that, it's very easy to try to convince yourself of that. Again, for me, I have a lot of friends, not to brag, that were in the NBA at a very young age.
Congratulations. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know if you've heard of them. But no, so it's easy for me.
Like when I was 19 years old, I had friends making millions and millions and millions of dollars. And I was like, fuck, I will never do that.
And you have to like, and then part of you is like, am I saying that I can be just as happy as they are because I am just trying to internalize this and lie to myself and convince myself. And then you get older and you're like no i can't be happier as happy as they are because money is not everything right yeah that's just like the yeah i mean midwest values right there 27 to 30 is i feel like the sweet spot of everyone has that free i mean i guess riscilla was right though there are people who have figured it out earlier but i think for a lot of people male female whatever wherever you may be you hit that like 27 and you're like fuck like 30s but think about it too think about this way like if you're close to that age you're having that freak out now and you know whatever you're listening to this podcast i'd rather have it then yeah that at 40 well that's just i should also that's like i moved to manhattan beach this one is way worse screenwriter yeah i should also it's really bad then everyone's like shit i should also...
That's like I moved to Manhattan Beach and become a screenwriter. Then it's really bad.
Then everyone's like, shit, it's okay. I should also make clear that you can make a ton of money and be happy.
So I'm not saying if you have FD's job and you're one of these people and you're listening to this and you're like, I'm 26 and I make 200K, I'm not telling you the noble and righteous thing to do is quit your job and go slum it on pro football talk comment section yeah try to get bleacher report to publish your shit for 25k a year i'm not saying that's like the path you should take like if you're if you're well adjusted and and but as long as the happiness is coming from within and as you said you're not chasing the paycheck yeah i don't think i knew a lot of guys that i worked with that were you know a lot of happy just a lot dudes i'm you know just dude magnet all right they were they were they were mostly happy and uh good for them you're absolutely right mark it's like you don't necessarily i'm not saying if you have a good paycheck at that age that you're fucking up because you're probably doing great but for me i just knew at that point it's like you dig any deeper and you're in a hole you can't get out of were you the mysterious rich guy in austin i wasn't no i this is this is one year did you not hear the part where i was a used dog salesman making 515 an hour that was that was before that and then 515 where were you where were you kenya no i was i was in del Valley. I was in southwest Austin driving eight

dogs a day from a shelter

that was infested with ticks

to the local PetSmart and hoping to

God that I got a puppy

that day because if I had a puppy, I could

bring people over and they'd donate more money

and then I would get a cut of that at the

end of the day if I got enough.

And if you adopted enough dogs out,

they would give you a little $20 spiff,

send you on your way.

Be like, go get some Five Guys on your way home.

Good job.

So that's where I was at.

But then, yeah, eventually.

Where did you grow up?

Originally in Northern Virginia.

Where is the Michael Vick dog thing?

No, that was in middle Virginia.

Long ways away.

I'm just trying to connect some dots.

I found homeless dogs homes. I don't know.
I still remember their names. You didn't go to high school in Newport News? Not bad news.
I was trying to disconnect some. Yeah.
I'm not trying to narc on anyone. All right.
I'm going to bring it back on track here. I wrote down two things for 30.
You might have a jewel. Yeah, go for it.
Oh, another piece of advice. Don't jewel.
Don't jewel. I'm serious.
Don't jewel. Well, when you hit 30, don't be afraid of it because it just happens.
And then you're like, shit, I'm young again. It's the best thing ever.
Are we still talking about jeweling? Yeah, yeah. Jeweling.
Want to pay? I don't think it's a good time to start. Not even once.
42. But when you hit 30, you're like, oh, that's not that bad.
Because I remember being like, fuck, 30 is going to suck. 30 is going to sound like a lie, but it's the honest to God truth.
The very first time I ever got heartburn in my life was on my 30th birthday. Yes.
I swear to God. Yes.
I had wings, and it was not an unusual meal for me. And the night of my 30th birthday, I just had some wings.
I started burping up. And I was like, what is it? And I called my brother in a panic.
I was like, what the fuck is heartburn? I think I might have it. And he's like, describe what's going on.
And I described it. He's like, that's heartburn.
The heartburn starts. I was like, no shit.
Also, yeah, get in good shape before 30. Because once you hit 30, you're in that same shape forever.
I'm like a fucking walking poster child of that. I haven't been able to get back in shape in five years.
Priscilla's been ripped for like... No, I had a little skinny fat phase after college.
Oh. Yeah.
But before 30, you cleaned it up. Yeah, before 30, I cleaned it up.
I don't know. I think this is dangerous.
I think you can flood. I think you can get it back, Big Cat.
Don't have... I wrote down to myself.
Don't do CrossFit. You'll get hurt.
I still keep thinking. I just like...
There's certain times you have to be honest. Don't be afraid to lie to yourself, too.
Don't be afraid to say, I'll walk around and be like, I haven't hit my peak yet. That's probably not even close to true.
But I will walk around like I bought the new Durants, and I go, I might be the best player I've ever been, and it's not even close. I suck.
I can't dribble. I get tired really quick.
I'm always hurt. If you're good at pickup hoops, don't take off five years in your 30s from playing and try to pick it back up.
Why'd you take off five years? Because I had a crack in my leg and I didn't have insurance and I couldn't run. So the only thing I could do for cardio was the elliptical.
And so I couldn't find a good run. I was living in downtown Hartford.
I went to a on albany avenue to play pickup and the cop came over and was like what are you doing over here like why are you playing pickup basketball like do you know where you're at right now right i was like i don't know i just saw some kids out so i didn't figure i'd shoot around right they were like no no so uh yeah that's that's one but don't be afraid to uh build yourself up a couple lines if you're not lying to anybody else what's the harm in lying to yourself about how great you could be look in the mirror and be like I could hit this the other thing that sucks is when you document everything is very not relatable but when you work in this line of business and you can basically see how old you're getting, how fucking fat you are compared to like... And you can go play back old podcasts where you're like, I want to start dieting.
There's a few times a day that I get a tweet being like, yo, dude, you used to be fucking, you used to be in good shape. What happened? I thought you used to be fatter, so I never understand why you get this upset about yourself.
No, I used to be a lot skinnier. Really? Is this the worst you've ever looked? no no well you know what way no everybody's like no yeah that was quick that was way too quick you know what the good thing is i'm thinking of one specific vision is that guys that have trouble staying in shape once they have a kid it gets way better it's that time you wore that red softball shirt or whatever yeah yeah, yeah.
Yeah. The Alabama-Wisconsin game at Jerry's World.
I accidentally wore red on red on red, and I walked into a motorhome place, and Hank was filming me, and I looked like the Kool-Aid man. It was that, and Big Cat saves Detroit.
It was like, oh, that one was bad. Yeah, the Detroit one is the one I'm thinking about.
There's just some bad ones. Yeah, the button one.
Oh, yeah, the Mac one. This is bad though.
There's like five nominees. No, there's so many more than that.
I'm also thinking of like that when Larry died, when Larry the Goldfish died. I was fucking huge.
I think this might be some life advice, though, is maybe be fat in your 20s. Because then...
Whoa! really i i weighed 70 pounds more than i weigh right now 70 yes there was a period of my life this was like four or five years ago i weighed 70 pounds more than i weigh right now what did you weigh uh 255 i got up to 255 i do have pictures i was. I remember you being thick, but 255?

Yeah.

What were you at when you left Ohio State?

I fluctuated Ohio State because they had me playing.

One year they had me playing the four in practice because we didn't have any big guys.

So I spent the whole year just eating and lifting weights, and I got up to 225.

But actually, I wasn't that out of shape.

I was like, I don't know.

You kind of loved me.

I was like the Zion.

I was a 6'4", 225, 4' man. you were like zion you said yeah i was i was basically zion zion like yes a better shot though i think i went like 210 when i was playing yeah whatever so i'm down to what were you doing when you were 255? Eating a lot and not exercising and just chilling in the suburbs of Ohio.
He grew a sick-ass beard. I had a thick beard.
The beard hit it. The beard hit it really well.
I didn't know you were that big. I mean, that's a life advice forever.
If you're going to be fat, make sure you have a beard. Yeah, we're bald.
But I think that's the... And then now see these pictures and uh i show the pictures to people and i'm like like people are not inspired but they're just like damn dude you lost a lot of weight good for you whatever and it's because i set the bar so low that i yeah you know so some like old man gave me advice on that too he said when you whenever you get married make sure you're really fat because then like that's the one picture that everyone compares you to the rest of your life is like that's the one picture you put in your house it's like you on your wedding day with your wife and so when you're walking by they're like damn that guy actually was just you don't want to sins you wanted to fuck your wife you don't you don't want to be the guy that's like you know if someone comes over and they look and they're like oh what happened dude like where's this guy but there's something else here like girls do this where like the one

that's kind of cute has the ugliest friends yeah and i'll i can tell right away i mean like you kind of work at the mall and you know you're from the area but you know you went you went to new york city for like eight months it didn't work out and now you hang out but you're always you always look better than everybody else don't be afraid to be a guy to do that don Don't be afraid to recruit your friends. Like, I have...
Like, we all know guys, okay? Like, there's some guys that... Stop looking at me.
Yeah, I was going to say, like... Like, when I went out with Chris Long and Matt Bushman, I was like...
Oh, that's not fair. It's just...
No, but like, some people met us out, and like, one of the girls was like, you've never been uglier. So, you know, it's worth just looking around at your peers, and if you're still single and you're hanging out with guys that are all better options than you that are also still single, now granted those guys are happily married, but my point is that sometimes it's better for you to go to that Sunbelt school.
Yeah, maybe go to Purdue instead of Arizona State. That was an oddly specific type of girl you were talking about.
Like never left town, works at the mall. I was thinking about somebody.
Yeah, Varsila. What was her name? I have all sorts of scouting reports.
I could tell right away. I was like, oh, I get it.
You think you're hot yeah but like if you went to new york city like you left new york city because no one paid attention to you jacklyn christina or the q qy sarah are we close all right uh should we go to the let's wrap it up uh with the life advice i don't know what else we got if somebody offers you some sort of new HGH creatine thing that says that it's totally not going to fuck up your hair, don't do it. Yeah, let's go rapid fire.
Quick ones. Rapid fire quick ones.
Handwritten notes. Right? You don't have to get in the habit of doing it.
So cursive, not overrated. You don't have to be cursive.
Every so often if you just send one person a handwritten note and any for any reason just to thank you uh happy birthday it'll blow their mind no one sends anybody handwritten notes so if you're the one just the one time all you have to do is one time that's actually good one person of one handwritten note and you'll they'll remember that for the rest of the they'll be like that guy sent me the note one time the follow-up is actually something that gets lost on a lot of people. The follow-up email text, after every guest, if I can even DM them, it's just a, hey, man, that was awesome.
Even if it wasn't awesome because they're just like, oh, that was awesome. You do that to me.
We'll get stuck in a loop. We'll cut the convo.
We'll cut the interview, and I'll be like, thanks, man, for having me on. You're like, yeah, that was awesome.
They're like, yeah, that was awesome. That was awesome.
Then we hang up, and then you text me, thanks, dude. That you're like yeah that was awesome like yeah it was awesome it was awesome and then we hang up and then you text me thanks dude that was awesome i'm like yes it was awesome that's easy we just go on and on still is deep in his own brain right now i'm gonna have to text him on the way home being like hey man thanks that was great like that is going to be a text check on yeah what all four of us like hey great job guys i thought you killed it no No, don't you think the follow-up? The follow-up is huge.

Follow-up is huge.

Follow-up is big.

It's lost on people.

Van Pelt used to send a handwritten note to every guest we had for the radio show.

Damn.

And then he got the SportsCenter gig.

He was like, I'm not going to do this.

But you don't have to continue to do it because I'm sure the people that got the handwritten

notes in the first place probably remember that shit forever.

You just have to do it.

You don't have to be that guy your whole life.

Just be it for one.

Drop it once.

Once, and that's all it takes.

It's like the random getting the flowers randomly.

You're a hero.

Drop it once.

I wrote down at some point in your life, you've got to have stadium seating in your living room.

That's big.

Are we talking tears?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. We built a whole platform in college.
I'd like to do that now if I had room. Yeah, we'd fit 14 people.
Who grows out of lofts? Not this guy. Yeah, right.
I'm telling you, do stadium seating once. Just to feel it.
I would say like a real nerdy one, just always wear a seatbelt. No matter how far you're going.
Damn. Yeah, seriously.
What about a bike helmet? Half half a second i don't give a shit no let's go drive off off a cliff no like i i was uh i got t-boned one time and i was maybe two blocks from my house and i was wearing a seatbelt and if i wasn't wearing a seatbelt head boom side windshield boom how do we know this by the way you know you we always hear these stories of the if i wasn't wearing the, this would have happened. Do we have a forensic? Is there a model, like a computer grad? Did you get John Brinkus from Sports Science on there? That's like, how do we know what would have happened? Analytics debate.
No, seatbelts are good. You're talking me into seatbelts being bad now.
I'm saying, how do we know where your head would have bounced off of had you not had the seatbelt? That's a good point. I was told it.
I just accepted it as fact. Whenever I read that stuff, it's like 98% of accidents happen within five blocks of your house.
That's how. That's how.
But that's really good. But then I immediately go, okay, but did some analytics nerd come up with this? Because if you really think about it, every time you drive away from your house, it's always within five blocks, no matter what.
Here's my question. That's how Danny's second dragon got caught.
By the way, that was right by Dragonstone, dude. She was like, we're cruising home.
Hey, if all the accidents happen by your house, why don't you just move? That's what I said. Great point.
Fuck. Wow.
Just move. I just never have a home.
You guys just got high again. Yeah, just put that in your car and you'll never get through it.
We're re-high. Yeah, that re-high.
Yeah, fuck. That was good.
Yeah. that was really good uh i have another piece of advice take care of your back you'll appreciate this right that uh when you're when you're when you're lifted a lot of guys want to focus on the chest and the arms and everything but your back not even just with lifting just in general like you get some back pain takes take that shit seriously you might be 24 and be like i'm 24 i'll Don't let your back.
Every injury I've ignored is now part of my deal. Correct.
The back is the worst. I would break every bone in my body to not have any back pain.
If you're a guy who lifts weights, throw in some reverse hyperextensions in there. Yeah.
Take care of your back. Dude, the back sucks.
Take care of the back. Don't do that.
I would say work in the service industry at least once. Oh, yeah.
That's a good one. Gives you a whole new appreciation for shit when you're older.
And there's no bigger turnoff to a woman, or I would assume a woman to a guy, if you're on a date and the person treats the server like a piece of shit. Yes.
I was a caterer. I could see that.
It sucked. I bet you were good at it, though.
I bet you were good at some pride there. It sucked.
It sucked. I was a busboy in a crab shack for a summer.
This is probably an obvious one. You did not get that out from underneath your fingernails.
Yeah. It's like two weeks.
Crabbing. Real crabbing, yeah.
I think this is an obvious one, but I'd say kill one person. Yeah.
And it's just going to prepare you for a ton of stuff. You learn a lot about yourself.
Yeah, right. Because if you have some guilt after the fact, that means you're actually, like, you are a good person.
It's a test. It's a test.
It's a morality test. I'm great.
I feel bad about this. If you do it and then you're like, man, that was a rush.
I kind of did it now. Then maybe don't start a family.
Yeah. Turn yourself in.
Right. Yeah, then we can clean up everyone right there.
Where would you hide a dead body? I mean, I can't tell you. Yeah.
He doesn't want to give away his good spots. Where if, if.
Oh, come on, dude. He's a million ways to do it.
He would eat it to gain a lake. A lake.
Yeah. A lake up north.
What are you reading? Michael Critton. Wait a minute.
What? What? No, iton, right? No, you said it right. You're the writer.
Crichton Jurassic Park? Yeah. Yeah, I don't even know what I thought of him.
Tom Clancy? What, did you watch Patriot Games this week? Gary Paulson, The Hatchet. Oh, yeah.
I love that book. Oh, we just...
He's too old. Oh, is that shit? Did you guys read? The H Did you guys read? I read when I was in South America.
Gary Paulson. Not a huge nonfiction guy.
Hmm. Hmm.
Yeah. Okay.
George Washington. You know what those guys used to do? When they ran out of food, they'd boil moccasins and chew on them.
If you can join a revolutionary war, sign up tomorrow. All right.
No. No, those guys, they ran up with...
He's going to get flagged.

You're literally telling kids to go sign up for ISIS right now.

You said murder people and start a revolution.

You got a lot on your mind, dude.

Hey, man, the way the economic times are headed, we're headed for another big correction.

Eat the rich.

This is going to be the big correction.

It's not just going to be your second home in Scottsdale.

All right.

I see the signs.

Eat the rich.

Eat the rich. Are you Antifa? Are you? You're talking about overthrowing the government.
Are you Antifa? No, no. I'm just saying there's things you can do to prepare yourself.
Seeds are going to be the currency, guys. Yes.
There's going to be the rich people are going to be living in a biodome. That's a fact.
Or on Mars. They're already working on it, dude.
Yeah, I know. It's going to suck for everyone else.
Any other quick ones? I don't know if we'll do Mount Rushmore. Just because you go travel somewhere, it doesn't mean you have to buy a fucking shirt there.
That's a good one. I'm telling you right now.
That's a really good one. Every time you move, you're going to go through your place and go, why did I buy a war damn Eagle shirt just because it was at Auburn? Yes.
I didn't need this. I wore it zero times.
As you're talking to PFT, he was wearing a Dodgers hat just because we're in that. I bought him that.
Oh, okay. So Ryan buys hats for people every time he goes.
I tried to buy you guys. He bought me a hat.
It was the fucking weirdest move ever. We went to a hat store in Manhattan Beach, and he was like, I need to pick out a hat for my brother,

my younger brother, for Christmas.

And he was like, will you help me?

And I was like, oh, this one's sick.

And then he buys like three hats, and we walk out of the store,

and he's like, hey, I bought you this hat.

I was like, shit, that's the same one I picked out. I noticed you looking at this one.
I saw you kind of liked it. Do you ever wear it? Never.
Never. But see, that's the thing.
You know what? That whole don't save any money in your 20s, just don't buy stuff when you go visit anywhere because you're never going to wear any of it ever. And that could be a down payment in a small one-bedroom yeah also if you spend a semester abroad you don't have to sign every email cheers that's very true and and when you come back with that little faint accent people are going to think you're a douchebag don't be offended speaking of the services service industry when you do bartend if you ever get the chance to do it you then don't have have to, by law, tell every other bar that you go to that, oh, hey, I used to bartend.
Service night. Yeah.
Yeah. You probably crush service night.
Service industry night, whatever it's called. Yeah.
Industry night. Was that Mondays? Sundays, usually.
Sundays. I also subscribe to the theory of not skimping on things.
What is it? That are in between you and the ground.

So like tires and shoes and mattresses.

Wow, that's a really good one.

And anything that separates you from the ground,

don't be afraid to spend a little more on.

I like that.

Think about that one.

If it fucks, flies, or floats, lease it.

Yeah, love that.

Pitbull said that one time.

Mr. 305?

You like that? That's actually a good point. Donbull said that one time.
Mr. 305? You like that?

That's actually a good point.

Don't ever buy a boat.

That's a classic rich douchebag guy thing.

I'm looking at boats right now.

No, don't buy a boat.

Just be friends with somebody.

I already know it's a terrible investment.

Let him buy the boat so we can be friends.

Get a fucking boat.

He could be doing this from the boat.

Yeah, we could be on the boat.

I'm already worried about how the resale of it's going to go, and I haven't even bought it yet. If you're going to buy a boat, buy a pontoon.
No. Ocean? Come on, lake guys.
What are you looking to buy? Well, I wanted to get a cigarette boat and just put mass appeal on the back of it. You really are going through a midlife crisis.
Shout out DJ Premier, guru. Yeah, we've always made this joke.
We wanted to roll up in a cigarette boat in Nantucket with just tight airbrush mass appeal on the back. And just blare through that harbor in Nantucket and see what people said.
I'm going to shout out Hal right now because this is always Hal's idea. But you are going to buy a boat? Well, I'm the one that can afford it.
But even that I don't even think. I'm looking at some of this stuff and then you go, well, how much? And I know the joke is a boat is a hole in the water that you throw money into.
Bust out another thousand. Every kid I don't have is another toy.
That's a zero kid. There you go.
That's a good point. You got it all.
Work on your pull-out game while you're young, kids. Yeah, you're going through a midlife crisis, aren't you? No, I just...
If you get a boat... I'm near the water.
Why wouldn't I have a boat? Harley? No, I don't want a Harley. Because everybody...
You want a chopper. No, but I see the motorcycle guys out here in L.A., and I see the videos on Instagram where you think it's everybody else's fault.

You know what?

It's actually your fault.

They do the lane splitting.

Right.

No one can see you ever, ever.

It's horrifying.

It just scares the hell out of you out here.

And I know the law says they can do it,

so all right, shout out all the guys that ride bikes.

But every one of my friends that's had a motorcycle has gotten in an accident.

I'm not going to do that, even though I kind of want one.

Yeah.

We'll have one within the year.

Tip extra on the first drink.

That's my last tip.

Oh, yeah.

Or if you're at a wedding

and it's an open bar,

give them a 10 or 20

the first time you're up there.

It'll pay for itself.

Take care of me.

Done.

That's a great one.

If you're out with a girl,

first date,

throw a homeless guy at five.

Ooh.

That's great.

Right in front of her.

And then kill him. Unless she's like crazy conservative.
And in front of her and then kill unless she's like

crazy conservative and then kill him and then kill him to start a revolution she's really right wing yeah be like oh free ride huh yeah you better steal money from the homeless guy yes you better tell that homeless guy to get a job yeah instantly uh what have you done to yourself to land in this place. That's what you should say.

You should be like,

I love America. Me too.

Let's fuck. Oh my God, it's so hot.
Gun Girl. Yo, Gun Girl.
She's been posting a lot of bikini shots recently. She's got some cannons.
Yeah, it's true. Gun Girl.
She pooped her pants. Theed her pants.
She's the girl from Kent State. Yeah, Kent State.
You don't know Gun Girl, dude? Oh, wait a minute. Kent State Girl? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kent State Girl, yeah. We DMed a little bit.
She's transitioning to just straight up bikini shots. I was like, is that the...
It's a good pivot. Yeah.
Which sig is that? Gun Girl is a wild time. You want to do Mount Rushmore? Yeah, let's do Mount Rushmore.
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So we're going to do the Mount Rushmore and it's Mount Rushmore of things that you are elite at. So it could be as obscure, specific as you want, but it's things that you think that you're elite at that 99% of the world can't do as well as you can.
I love this conversation because I spend time thinking like what am I closest to the number one world ranking in? Yes. I can tell you do that all the time.
You wake up and do that. Are we going to Snake Style? Yeah.
Why to start. Titus, you start.
I don't want to start because I have some weird ones,

and I need to read the room on how weird we're getting.

All right, Pip, you start.

Your content's always good.

I wouldn't worry about it.

I'll start.

Which way are we going?

We'll go over still with me, then Titus.

All right, I am elite at changing the channel from CBS to Fox on NFL Sunday,

going back to the game that I really want to be watching

right as the first play starts after a commercial break.

Like immediately.

Yes.

Thank you. from CBS to Fox on NFL Sunday, going back to the game that I really want to be watching right as the first play starts after a commercial break.
Like immediately. Yes.
As the ball is being snapped. That's good.
Amazing at it. All my other friends suck at it.
I nail it. So you only have one TV? No.
Well, I used to only have one TV. Now I watch Red Zone.
Mr. Don't save any money.
That's mean of me. If you would have kept the $125,000 your job, you'd have more TVs.

That's a good point.

It is a good skill to be able to go back and forth at the exact right moment.

Yeah, because you've sat in a room with a guy who just has no feel.

No feel.

That's the worst.

And you're like, hey, just hand it over.

Is there anything worse than sitting in a room when you're over the age of maybe 17 and not having the remote?

Well, it's painful. We had a roommate who used to, when he went up to the bathroom, he'd keep it in his pocket.
Oh, no. So that when he came back, he was still in control.
Oh, no. Nobody wanted to touch it because that remote had been in the bathroom.
That's the other part of it, too, because he wasn't the cleanest guy. We used to lose it so much that we taped the remote to a big 2x4.
Same. And that was the way it was.
No, exactly. The first time I saw a guy do that, I went out and bought a 2x it was we literally just had it we just passed around the two by four but the other part the downside of that is when you're that young and you just have a nights where you just flop down on the couch and all of a sudden you're like ah yeah you just get like what is that like oh it's my remote yeah it's a foundation it's a deck post yeah um that was a good one though pFT.
Russell, why don't you start? If I really want to lock in, nobody's better at me than stopping the gas pump. It's just a straight bump.
Really? I'm so good at it. But hold on.
Do we need that skill anymore, though? You don't, but I don't want to lose it. No.
That is the bygone era where you had like $20 in your pocket, you can pump before you pay, right? Yes. And so you've got to stop it on $20 because if you go over $20, you're like, fuck, now I've got to go have a conversation with the guy.
My bad, whatever. Yes.
But now you have to prepay or you just use your card and what's the point of stopping it even? I just like to see if I still have it. I look at it and I just start going 90, and then I just go off.
What was your number? Were you a 20 20, yeah. 20 on the dollar class.
20 was a lot back in the day. I think you're fine though because that's what I mean.
Yeah, I get it man. Credit cards.
No, the kids growing up, they're not going to be as good. You can be the guy forever.
You're going to be an all-time great. I'm like Bill Russell rebounding numbers.
No one's ever going to touch you on this because yeah i'm sorry titus i went at you pretty hard there all right uh i am i think i've told a couple of you guys this but i am i think i'm like number one in the world at finding open tables at pack bars or seats in general because of my figure and i don't like to stand very much and i'd rather be home than be at a bar if I can't sit, I will always be able to – I'll fucking be able to like go out in like the back and like pull in tables they don't use anymore and set myself up in the back. I also – if you do the stare, it will get anyone uncomfortable.
I do the stare at people. Like if they're like pretty close to being done and do the stare and they'll get up so much faster i will always find an open table at a i i the few times that we've been out together i've been impressed by this yes and now that you've ragged about it you have to deliver so there's extra pressure on you no but my friends like we'll go to a bar and i'll just be like hold on one sec like it's packed you stare doesn't that kind of suck though well yeah no i don't stare at like random people it's when the check is there if the check's there and they're like like dilly What if it's going really well and they haven't suck, though? Well, no, I don't stare at random people.
It's when the check is there. If the check's there and they're dilly-dallying along.

What if it's going really well and they haven't finished the conversation?

Well, I mean, look, I feel out the situation, but I'm just telling you, if you come out

with me, I will get us a seat.

I will not stand up.

You ever gone to a table that maybe the check's on the table and it's a super crowded bar

and you sit down at the table before they even get up?

Oh, I clean the table myself.

No, I will.

I will bust my own table so I can have the table.

While the people are still sitting there?

No, they'll get up and I'll bust it and then I'll be like,

and I also get the best move to do is to talk to the people that are already sitting there.

Like, hey, you guys leaving soon?

Okay, cool.

Can I have this table when you go?

Okay, cool.

So if anyone comes here, just say that I got rights to it.

And then maybe just kind of give them a little look like there'll be violence if this doesn't go down the right way well it's a good thing you're not better shape because you're so big right right i'll sit on you if this doesn't go the right way huge midwest guy he's friends with jj watt i heard uh all right my my first pick is something that i'm i'm worried that one of you guys is going to take it so i I'm going to say this one first. The Irish Goodbye.
I'm a king of that. I'm very, very good at it to the point that my friends have picked up on it, and they know it's coming.
So, like, anytime I go to the restroom, they'll call me out on it. So I even have evolved to the point where I do the Boy Cries Wolf thing where, like, I will go to the restroom, then I'll come back.
Then I'll kind of disappear and then come back. And then as soon as their guard's down, I'll slip out the back door.
And then they won't see it coming. And they're like, fuck, where did Titus go? There's no better feeling.
It's like when you get away from the Irish goodbye and you're like 15 feet past the bar. And you're like, oh, made it.
Done. You know what sucks? Tate is like, of all the people I know in my life, Tate is the closest to competing with me at the Irish Goodbye, and we go a lot of places together.
You're just the two of us, we'll do it to each other? He'll do it to each other, and then it fucks me up because we'll be together or something, and then he'll go to the restroom and then leave, and then someone will say, where did Tate go? And then at that point, everyone's on high alert that I'm going to do it next. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And then I'm fucked. So that's become like a game with us.
We're fun to hang out with. We try to leave everyone right now.
Hey, should we go out again? And then you guys text each other the next day and be like, that was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun.
Why did we stop doing it? Yeah. You should go out.
You should make plans with them and call us bluff and not show. So you do the pre-Irish goodbye.

But that's my key is that I always, with the group of people that know that I do this,

I always, like, every so often I'll sprinkle in a time where I'll shut the bar down.

And then they're like, whoa.

Yeah.

Whoa, okay, that was weird.

That's smart.

He stayed until the close.

That's smart.

Next time they don't have their guard up and then I'm in bed by 1030.

Yeah, that's really smart. All right, you got two.
So you got another one. Oh, I got to do another one? Snake draft.
Snake draft. The other one I had written down and I certainly hope you don't call me on it, but you're just going to have to take my word for it.
I'm really good in social settings of doing the callback joke to like you're meeting for a drink. You have a big dinner and like the first drink, someone says something.
Someone says a joke about somebody at the table, whatever. We're all laughing.
Four hours later, as the night has worn on, I do a callback to that original joke, and everyone's like, you motherfucker. Yes.
You're a comedic genius. I'm really, really good at that one.
That's good. Yeah.
That's an elite skill. Try to do it now.
Be funny now. No, no, no.
Something we said a couple hours ago. I mean, I just did it with the P had the one TV and I said if you would have kept the...
That was pretty good. See? That's pretty good.
You are good at that. I said, wow.
That's funny. You killed it like Russell killed the person.
Uh-huh. Is that good? So that's...
Wow, was that... That was really good.
That was good. Quick.
That was good. That was good.
I pair the two together. You do the – and you turn it into the Costanza where you go out on top.
You do the callback. Everyone's laughing, and then I slide out the back door.
Irish, goodbye. Leave them happy and seen.
Yes. Yes.
All right. That's good.
I'm really good at shaming bachelor parties out of poor planning. So I'm good at being the guy who's like, hey, I've shut down like T-shirt ideas.
Those get shut down. Penis draws.
Yeah. The Saturday night dinner that kills everything.
All the flow. I'm very good.
Early tea times. Early tea times.
I'm good. I once actually stayed up all through the night at a buddy's bachelor party,

and we had an 8.30 a.m. boat reservation.

And I literally stayed up.

You can make that whatever you want.

But I stayed up, didn't go to sleep.

At 7.45, I texted the whole group, and I said,

Hey, guys, just got a call from the captain.

There's inclement weather.

So we're not going to go on the boat today.

Bought me an extra hour.

Literally, everyone's scrambling like, is this real?

Is this fucking real?

Bought me a whole extra hour.

Didn't have to leave till 930.

So I'm really good at that shit.

I have a friend like that, though, where he just, it's really important to have in the group.

Right.

Because maybe not the fake boat cancellation, but he will say, okay, it's going to be New Year's. We're all together.
And not that we do this anymore, but this is years ago. We all rented out a house in Colorado, and we were doing this thing, and he just knew.
He goes, look, it's going to be the third night. We're all going to be sick of each other.
There's too many dudes here. Yes.
There's like 20 guys. There's three girls.
It was just a really weird weird setup and no one really even knew each other that well and there was a huge storm so other guys couldn't even make it ran out this massive massive spread and he just goes i we're going downtown we're finding a table service we're doing a bottle and it's like the only one everybody i'm going around the room everybody put in 100 bucks right now yes and everybody was annoyed with him everybody and he just sucked it up and he's like yep you hate me i'm annoying and it ended up saving the weekend yes if we had done a third straight night of not doing anything and leaving the house everyone goes crazy guys would have fought each other yeah you get five guys who are like i thought we're gonna party this weekend and then the rest of the group but seriously it's and i i feel like i have uh i have like four different pitches for it i can use use sarcasm. I can use subtlety.

I can outright say this is a terrible idea.

Yeah, but they need you.

They need you for that.

You need that.

You need a good concept guy.

You're a concept guy.

Shutting down the t-shirts in the email phase.

That's a must.

Don't even let the e-t-shirts get past the email phase.

As soon as guys are texting about like, hey, we should do a t-shirt or maybe a hat, you've

gone too far.

I would even piggyback on that and say like I'm very good at not replying all when it's not necessary to reply all. What am I, the Vikings? Oh, yeah.
Yes, yeah. The Ravens? That was directly tied.
No, it was the Vikings. It was the Ravens.
But that was tied into Big Cat's whole thing, like the bachelor party thread that you're on. Yes.
You do not need to reply all to every single email. Right.
By the way, yeah. There's nothing worse than like you you have eight hours at work you check your email for the first time all day and there are 32 emails yes most of which are just people saying haha it's so true do you really ever need to reply all for no reason no really don't check his watch by the way he's got to go okay you got to go uh i just wanted to check by the way hank didn't like that watch check he's having fun i'm just kidding worst dude used to do? Worst dude ever? The guy who emails the bachelor party thread on the Monday after saying, Hey, guys, I know it's said, but everything we did this weekend, we're not going to say out loud.
Worst dude ever. That makes me want to say it.
I'm like, fuck you, dude. The fact that you would assume that I would, now I'm going to tell everyone.
After that billionaire donated $40 million in paying student loans,

all I could think of was worst dude ever responses

where it's like,

what if I took out my own personal loans

and paid my way?

What does that mean for me?

Or actually, it's a tax write-off.

Or then the Atlantic.

What if I went Scully?

The Atlantic is my favorite follow

because it never fails.

Yes.

That within a day, somebody from the Atlantic wrote,

this is great, but today's youth can't expect a college loan bailout. Right.
Of course. Alright.
Okay. We got it.
One guy did it. What about the kids that didn't go to college that are struggling to get by? What about them? Alright, Russell, you're up.
This is a big one and I may get called out for this but I don't care I think I'm great at being able to tell if someone hates me if someone's full of shit I want to say like FBI level lie detections but there may be something someone says that I'll remember and then they'll slip up and then I'll know they were lying so like I'm very good at the personal interaction of going I can leave a room and go that guy doesn't like me or i'm not gonna call her or that went pretty well or i don't trust this guy at all and he will let the group down and i'll set i'll even you could even call me negative that i'll set a tone like somebody will come in and talk about some project or something and i'll go yeah this guy's full of shit we're never gonna do anything with him and they'll be like why would you say that we just met him be like because, this guy's full of shit. We're never going to do anything with him.

And they'll be like, why would you say that?

We just met him.

And they'll be like, because he's going to be full of shit,

and he's not going to come through in anything he said.

And I've just been around long enough.

I've interacted with society long enough in different ways

that I just think I've honed that skill.

That's good.

Have you ever been wrong about that?

You can't, yeah, I'm not 1,000% on it.

Because there was a guy at ESPN I thought hated me forever, and then I realized he had some social anxiety disorder. Skip Bayless? No, he didn't like me.
Yeah. Can't this become like a self-fulfilling prophecy where you're like, I think that guy hates me.
Looking for confirmation? Then I start doing stuff. So you start being an asshole to him, and now of course the guy doesn't like you because you're an asshole to him because you think he hates you.
Very possible. More likely when I was younger.
But now I kind of do the other thing. Like, let me prove to this guy.
Or I'll go. Fuck this guy.
I'll make him laugh. Or I'll go.
I don't care. Yeah.
I'll still have that gear, too. Right.
Whenever there's an athlete or a coach, too, who comes through the car wash, I'll never forget how many people, when we'd have an athlete, come through the car wash. And we'd get him for seven minutes.
And if he did a great job, the guys would be like, what a real straight shooter that guy is, huh? We've known him for seven minutes. We don't know him.
We don't know what his deal is. So I like my track record.
Okay. That's a good one.
I think I'm elite at suggesting the perfect time to go to karaoke on a night out. And you have to read the room on it because you don't want to be the guy that suggests karaoke every weekend.
Because that guy's weird. It's usually like a former acapella person that just wants to show off their pipes and sing Africa by Toto.
Yeah, do duet.

Is this the cousin of the guy who does the same thing with strip clubs?

Yeah, it is.

But that guy.

It's Mormon cousin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That guy sucks because everyone's got the one strip club friend who's like always obsessed with going to a strip club.

And you got to be like, listen, man, we're not going to a strip club.

It's fucking Wednesday.

Right.

Yeah.

But yeah, you have to read the room a little bit and know I'm really good at suggesting at the right time where everybody gets energized by that comment. And they're like, fuck yeah, that's a great idea.
And then I feel good about myself. So people are still saying yeah to karaoke? Yeah.
On the right occasion. Right, because I feel like I can't even remember the last time I did karaoke.
So if someone brought up a strip club, I'd be like, dude, I did that last week. I do that all the time.
Karaoke is kind of exotic because it's like, who does karaoke? Exotic? Yeah. When was the last time you did karaoke? I think he means Asian.
That's why I thought it sounded a little offensive. Yeah, it was.
It was problematic, Titus. I got you there.
Yeah, who does karaoke? So you bring it up, you're like, yeah, good point. Do you have a karaoke song, PFT? It depends on what kind of mood I'm in.
Or how sober you are or aren't. Yeah, that also has something to do with it.
But if I like I Want You to Want Me, that's a good one. Cheap trick.
People sing along to it. Mine's Sister Christian Night Raid.
Dude, oh my God. I was about to say sister christian it fucking i swear to god sister christian every time yes and it's slow to build up when you hit it because people are like do i know this song wow that was good we should do this tonight yeah that right there holy that was a bad karaoke suggestion ryan terrible bad timing i I saw Hank smile.
I'm better than you at that. It is, though.
Sister Christian Night Ranger. Also, tequila is always fun.
Tequila is a winner, for sure. Don't be the guy that does American Pie.
Yeah. When I've been to karaoke things where people take it way too seriously and they put in for three or four songs, you're like...
Let somebody else have a turn, man. Right.
This is not your concert. Right.
Electra Records isn't here tonight. Right.
You never know. You do never know.
I just saw the Dirt Monthly Crew thing on Netflix. It was Electra they signed with.
All right, you got another one. No, no.
Oh, no. Wait, no.
No, Snake. We're lost in a Snake.
Lost in a Snake. This is how a Snake Draft works.
It goes back to you. I've never understood why this is a Snake a snake draft.
You started. To me, and then a snake draft.
Oh, I did. Yeah, you have another one.
Back to me. That's fine.
No, no. PFT has another one.
No, that's right. Fuck, I got lost in a snake.
I said, Spider, you're... It's my fault.
I should have started. The way we're sitting, I should have started.
And the worst is we still keep whispering snake draft. I've always hated snake drafts.

They make sense of fantasy.

Who cares?

The Mount Rushmore bad ideas is this being a snake draft. You say that now.
Wait until they put the graphic up and we're voting on it. And there's a snake.
Yes, exactly. All right.
I am really good at making a cocktail using very obscure leftover liquors that are found in somebody's house.

So I'll combine, you know, if there's a ginger beer in the house, I will make you.

It doesn't matter what else you have.

It could be tequila, vodka, gin, you name it.

I'm going to make you cocktail using that ginger beer.

I'm a good scavenger when it comes to bartending. Homeless people.
You're just good at that, too. I like that.
You just make a suicide. You're like the nine-year-old at Burger King just hitting every.
Right. Oh, wow.
That's good. That's good.
There's some stuff that doesn't go with each other. For example, tequila and milk.
Not aware. I've tried.
It's not good. I struck out big time on that.
But it's trial and error, so you learn from your mistakes and move on. But at this point, I think I've almost perfected it.
Yeah. All right.
Go ahead. Prank calls.
What? Used to be great at it. But you aren't anymore.
Who do you want to prank call? Yeah, prank call someone right now on your phone. I don't know.
It has to be somebody we know. I don't know if I want to do that.
We used to just look at classifieds. We used to look at classifieds and we would I mean, this is horrible, but we were on Martha's Vineyard in the winter and we'd tell people we found stuff they lost and we'd be like, hey, I saw you guys lost an ore, gray gray oar, rowboat off of Lucy Vincent.
Like, oh my God, you found it? Yeah, yeah, I got it. Oh my God, that's incredible.
Where are you? Oh, we're over in Tisbury. This is before caller ID and all this stuff too.
And I'm like, okay, well, how do we go about doing this? Well, doing what? Well, you found the ore. You called.
I go, yeah, yeah. I'm just telling you I have it.
It's not lost anymore. And you can stop worrying about it.
I'll be like, what do you say? I'm not giving you the ore back. I'm just telling you that I found it.
Yes. And that you can take your ad out and you're good.
Mystery solved. Right.
Mystery solved. Somebody may or may not have done it about a cat And it was really And then you hang up the phone and you say I have an intuition that that person doesn't like me Because that's another one Callback I lied about that guy's cat He probably doesn't like me One of our friends It's full's full of shit.
They're like, we read that well. Yeah, just always we'd call and be like, hey, I'm calling about that.
You get a little, you get a thing of wire? Yes. Yeah, I have the wire.
All right, so it's 30 bucks for your spool of wire. Would you take 28? And then you just ride it out.
And you'd be like, I think I'd probably take 28 and then you just ride it out and you'd be like i think i'd probably take 28 and be like how used is it it's brand new oh really so we don't even know if it works would you take 25 and just go on and on and on you gotta understand the winter vineyard cumberland farms is the only place open after seven o'clock i feel like you're resting on your laurels riscilla with the uh the pumping of the gas and the crank calls. It's like...
A little bit of a has-been. You said you're in your peak now.
It feels like your peak was... Yeah, I don't know.
I'm just observing. That's all.
Maybe I'm not peaking. Yeah, maybe.
I mean, you're already peaked. Wow, I was right in the crosshairs.
Alright, I am exceptional at moving well through crowds. So, I'm able to get from point A to point B in a big crowd very fast and lose anyone what especially when a table's open when a table's open but also dealing with like big crowds i don't like them but i can manage them very well and i also like uh i'm the guy i was at the bucks well this is gonna be way later but i was at the bucks uh Raptors game, number two, Eastern Conference Final.
Get there.

The whole section is... The Bucs, well, this is going to be way later, but I was at the Bucs Raptors game, number two, Eastern Conference Final.

Get there, the whole section's standing up

for like the first four minutes.

I was like, are we doing this?

Are we really doing this?

Yeah, fear the deer.

A real, real loud, down in front,

and everyone fucking sat down.

So I can manipulate crowds very well.

And that's not even your team. No, I don't give a fuck about this game.
People should have turned around and told you to shut up. No, I just gave a nice, if you do a loud down in front, everyone would be like, fuck, shit.
Am I bad? They should have seen, but that's actually, that's more of an indictment on Bucs fans. Like, why would they sit down? Well, because it was like...
No, but it was like... I didn't pick it when it was after a Giannis dunk.
I picked it like four minutes in, and it was like maybe there's a TV timeout or something. They just went down like double dominoes.
And I just fucking gave the perfect one, and just boom, everyone was down. So yeah, I move well and manipulate through crowds very well.
Also do the hot soup on a packed subway train in New York if you're trying to get to the exit. Just give a quick hot soup coming through, and everyone will move out of the way.
Swear to God. It's so stupid, but it works every time.
Every time. Who taught you that? I fucking say it every time.
If I can't get through, you just scream. Yeah, I've said that.

It's only emergency. Is that a skill?

Yeah.

That's the most Midwestern thing I've ever heard.

That is a skill.

I don't even know.

Does that count as being good at something?

Yes, manipulating crowds.

So you just behave like a lunatic.

Correct.

That also is another way to say it.

I've got a gun.

Yeah.

What if you're missing?

That actually would probably work, dude.

Ebola. Ebola.

You know what?

You want to share that with me on Mount Rushmore?

I'm pretty good at it.

Hey, listen.

It's a skill.

I'm sorry.

I think I'm a lead at it.

Yelling hot soup.

I love the thing.

I love the idea of looking at you yelling hot soup. And it was really your face is so humble when you do it.
That's what I mean. In your mind, you think that it's working and everyone thinks you have soup, but really they're just like, this guy's a fucking lunatic.
It doesn't matter. Point A to point B, it doesn't matter how I got there.
All right. Is it my turn? Yes.
Okay, this is a little specific, but I know Indiana high school mascots very well. And also what I do for a living, I know college mascots well.
And so the skill is that I can meet people. It's better if you're from Indiana and you went to high school in Indiana, but it works for anyone who went to college.
I can convince you that I know a lot about your school just by saying the mascot. And then that's all I know.
But it works. And that's my skill because I know the mascot.
So someone's like, I'm like, where would you go to school? And they're like, William and Mary. And I'm like, nice, the tribe.
And they're like, holy shit, you know William and Mary? And I'm like, that's literally all I know about William and Mary. They think that.
They're the tribe. But they feel the connection.
That's good. And that's my skill.
That's really good. What's your go-to guess if you don't remember?

Tigers.

Wildcats?

Yeah, Tigers or Wildcats.

I guess it doesn't always have to be mascots.

I can always find some nugget of, I don't know, something that happened.

Remember in 97, you guys went to Elite Eight, right?

And they're like, no shit, you really know our school.

Or if you just say the city name, too.

Yeah, that's true. If you're like Wake Forest, you're like, oh, yeah.
I loveSalem. Yeah, right.
Yeah, I had a great time there one time. That's cool.
Yeah. Yeah, that's all you know.
And then that's it. That's like, all right, see ya.
Like, damn, that guy knows a lot about. Where was that guy earlier that knew we were the tribe? I bought him a beer.
What made me think of that is I did that to someone when we were at the Final Four. Someone was from Indiana.
They're like, you probably, they're like, I'm from Indiana, too, so I've always liked you, whatever. And then I was like, what high school did you go to? And they said the high school.
And then they're like, it's a tiny school. You've probably never heard of it.
And I was like, no, I've heard of it. You guys are the – and I said the nickname.
And the girl's face was like, holy fucking shit. You know our – and I was like, I've never been there.
I don't know anything about it. I just know that your nickname is – Yeah, that's good.
And she felt the connection. and she's probably listening to this now big icebreaker yeah so there you go she's like that guy was full of shit if I had her solo skill I would have known that's my skill oh you gotta do another one everybody's trying to do the circle this is the super weird this one's the super weird one but everyone's doing the callbacks it sucks sorry you've ruined it for the whole game this is the super weird one but I everyone's doing the callbacks it sucks i'm sorry you've ruined it for this is the super weird one but uh i'm proud of it i'm proud of it so fuck it um i i am good at i'm elite at spitting ice cubes into my dog's mouth across the room okay stick with me that's great i go out to eat uh you get a to-go cup you fill it up with ice get a little soda or whatever you take it home and you're watching tv and you got your little cup you finish drinking your drink there's ice you start chewing on the ice and then my dog loves ice and he's sitting across the room and i can spit ice it doesn't matter how far away he is and my dog is elite at catching it and i just teamwork it used to be like i'd spit it out of my hand and like kind of toss it to him and then i was like let's just cut out the middle man and i would just start fucking launching him across the room and never miss does your dog know when you're like pursing your lips yeah yeah here's the ice shaking here's like he knows it's coming like if if david letterman still had a show i would we would be on stupid pet tricks and we would probably why don't you just do a ringer video of that we should why I don't know.
you You can be the dog Thanks for finishing my joke I like to be more subtle with my humor I was getting late You're starting to just fucking ram it in there Run the fucking power eye again Before Ryan just Irish goodbyes us and leaves Yeah yeah okay alright alright here we go Fuck You're just you're afraid to leave one on the table And not take it Yeah I got a couple Well I mean I'm a great short distance swimmer But I'm not going to bring that one up Yeah no I mean I am Wait a minute Hank you beat him No he didn't He did not No, it's not. This looks actually contentious.
It is contentious because it's not on camera. Freestyle? How long was the distance? That didn't count.
Back? I'm talking about 10 yards in the pool. You beat me? No.
It was a 10-yard sprint? Produce it. Just move the goalpost and say 10 yards is actually long distance.
Yeah, 15 yards. Five yards.
You guys not using the metric system? Most swimmers do. Yeah, that's true.
I'm really good. Okay, here it is.
I'm really good at being, I'm talking about adult intramural sports. I'm really good at being the second banana, which I know is kind of an indictment on myself, but I'm really good at not being the guy who everyone's like, we are looking to him planning for like you know like hey everyone here's the lineup here's like come on we got we need to run i'm really good at the subtle like hey like we're gonna get him this inning you know like keeping the morale up and being that guy that everyone looks to maybe you're steph curry to kevin durant kind of deal the alternate captain yes.
Yeah. Well, you can be an alternate captain from the bench.
You can't be a captain from the bench. Yeah, but you have injury history.
Right. But that's a skill, though, being the second banana when you need to.
I've always kind of hated that guy on softball teams I've been on. Like, you're not that good.
It's like, hey, let's turn to you. No, I was good.
All right. Well, if you're good and you turn to you, it's different.
I was a pitcher, dude. You know those guys you play in leagues with and you go.
You're talking about a different guy. You're talking about a different guy.
You're talking about the guy who wears batting gloves and fucking baseball pants. You're talking about the player coach.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're talking about the guy who sucks, but because he set up the email and sent in the Venmo, he's the captain. I'm talking about the guy who's the captain.
What's wrong with batting gloves and softball? That's kind of weird. Are you playing slow pitch or fast pitch? Well, I'm not.
I don't play. Is there such a thing as men's fast pitch? Yeah.
Yeah. New York City, they have fast pitch.
That's weird. Yeah, I know.
It is weird, but it's kind of fun to watch. I would say yes, batting gloves for fast pitch then.
I love, by the way. Because if you're playing fast pitch softball as an adult male, then you're naturally a hard-o.
Yeah. Everyone has batting gloves.
I love just watching random softball or little league games. You just go by a field.
You just by yourself in the stands? Yeah. You don't do that? You don't stop? No.
Okay. No.
All right. So I'm great at that too.
Go ahead. Your last one.
I left a lot on the table.

What else did you leave?

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

I'm really good at when I go to a wedding, leaving early but making a memorable moment.

Oh, so Irish.

Yeah, that's good.

No, no.

But no, no, no.

It's different.

Because at a wedding, you have to make a memorable moment so that they're like, yeah, that person

was there.

So I'm very good at getting in front of the bride and groom's face.

So they're like, oh, yeah, he was there. But then I'm gone by like 8 45 so i guess it's kind of irish goodbye yeah it is all right you go trying to think of something more current now oh yeah we're all kind of really yeah because the other one was like i used to be great at making half shirts It's really good I always had like

I just hit the line the right way. So there was just enough mid-drift, but not too much.
Not Miami Hurricanes mid-drift, but then if it's too low, then you got to do it again and the elasticity of the shirt's shot. I used to be good at picking out face masks for football players that they should wear to make them look coolest.
Oh, yeah, that's good. Which face mask style fits which player? Should they have a visor or a neck roll? Did you ever do the deep armpits? Oh, yeah.
That's like a loser move. Did you? He still does it.
Your nipples are like hanging out the side of your shirt. The best is the guys that have all the bacne from all the juice, and you go, this isn't actually a good look for you.
It's just your whole lat looks like a hemorrhoid right now. Yeah.
And so that's not good. All right.
I feel like I don't know where I want to go here. The half shirt was good.
The half shirt was good. Were you good at tearing off the sleeves? No.
In the one tear? You know what I used to love is cutting the sleeve in half, like that late 90s basketball thing that took over. That was just, once you got out there and you were D1 and if you didn't have one of those underneath the tank, then it was like, what's wrong with you? And that's just amazing how quickly that goes away.
I think I'm good on some trends going. Like right now, I think in two years, everybody's been looking at their closet going, why do I have seven different blue suits? So I would get out of the blue suit game right now.
Okay. So this is not only a thing you're a lead at, but you're going to give us examples.
Yeah, I'm going to give you the tips. Like when I walk around New York City and I see every single guy in Jordans now and some that shouldn't be in Jordans.
God damn it. Oh, wait a minute.
Talk about me. Quite literally.
I bought my first name in Jordan. Liam's wrong.
Dude, he wears Supreme. Supreme, Supreme? Yeah.
Do you have like a key chain? He's got it all. I'm not saying Jordans are...
He's wearing a fucking Astroworld t-shirt. Travis Scott.
He's high three. He knows better than you.
All right. Well, I'm just telling you, like, there's certain guys that I've seen wearing Jordans now where I go, I don't know.
What about flannels? When Darren Revelle got in the Jordan game, that was a big red flag for me. What about flannels? I wore a flannel out on the wrongest night ever wear a flannel, and it was bad.
It went horribly wrong. There is nothing worse.
There's a picture of it, too. There's nothing worse.
Do you know the picture I'm talking about? No. All right.
Oh, I do. Yeah.
Oh. You know.
Oh, that night. Yeah, that night.
Oh, that oh no no not that night i'm talking i thought you got arrested dude this night actually arguably like it was it was in a weird way less successful than that night I don't know I think flannel in LA I think the LA thing yeah

flannel in LA. I think the LA thing.
Flannel in LA I don't think is working. I got a question.
You got your finger on the pulse. How do we feel about Odell Beckham hair? Is that going to be around two years? No way.
That's over. Yeah, that's over.
That's over. Zac Efron has it now.
Dude, watch it. He's very cool.
I like him. I like him, but I'm freaked out about it.
Careful. I like Zac Efron.
No, we like Zac Efron. Sounds like you're judging him.
What about toupees? Are they in? I'm bad at it. You know what? If we're doing something bad at, I can never tell who has a toupee.
Yeah. I'm horrible.
You know what I am? Fake tits. I don't know why.
I can't figure it out. Me too.
I'm always like, oh, look at those big tits. They must be real.
They're like, yo, that's a porn star, dude. It's like, what? Oh, I guess, yeah, you're right.
Yeah, I'm surprised you're that bad at it. I'm really bad at it.
I don't know why. I'm talking to some guy or something, and somebody come at me and be like, oh, my God, how bad was that guy's toupee? I'd be like, what? south but he had nice brown hair i didn't yeah where do you stand on the bill so yeah where you stand on bill so he looks great does he have a toupee no i don't think so oh i heard different carl ravage yeah carl ravage now carl ravage actually has like all of here.
Ravage is anonymously because his hair, like, it looks good on TV. Yeah.
And then you meet him, you're like, holy shit. Carl Ravage.
But see, I don't know if that's true because, again, I can't tell. Okay.
That way to quit yourself is good. Good job.
Oh, that was a very good out. Really good job.
You done? Is that it? Yeah, I'm done. All right, last one.
I can't decide decide um so i'm gonna empty the chamber with my last two one i'm very good at telling when somebody on social media is about to get into a pyramid scheme like the warning signs identifying the warning signs when they do like when they pick up a weight and they're wearing like a really nice sports bra or something for the first time i'm like this is about to be body was it uh uh beach body how about how about this new this new one bang energy have you seen that no that one it's basically every every instagram model you don't you don't follow oh you only follow two people you follow a little kid and that's it his content is but yeah there's a new one bang energy yeah that everyone every instagram model yeah is like got it yeah yeah by the way the kid that 11 year old that i follow he was like hey can you have that bill simmons guy give me a shout out on his podcast so we get his followers up all right so toby miller no so toby miller i don't know sully miller sully miller we're giving a shout out on the number one even though you won't be allowed to listen to any of this. But yeah, I see somebody from high school that I used to know, haven't talked to in 20 years, and the second they upload a Facebook story, who the fuck does Facebook stories? That's number one.
And if you haven't been on social media in a long time, and that's the first thing you do in a while, it's like, okay, you're selling our bond now. i'm very good at knowing when they're about to get into that yeah um the other thing i'm really elite at i think is uh remembering the names of dogs so i know every dog's name you're training in my building i don't know any of their owner's names and so it's really nice you know you see them outside you're like hey parker what's up and then their owner will be like oh what's what's up And then you have the conversation with the owner through the dog.
Yeah, exactly. But I remember every dog's name.
You never make eye contact with the owner. You're always looking at the dog.
You're talking to the owner. Yeah, I'm like, tell your owner that you're not getting fed enough.
I can go back to when I was a used dog salesman, rattle off some names. Wizard, Biscuits, Sky, Macy.
We'll fact check these after. No, they're real.

These are all legit.

I could just make, yeah.

You think I made up Biscuits?

I mean, sure.

I'm great with cats.

Yeah.

Sarah.

Steve.

Dave the cat.

Ethan.

Dougie.

Ethan the cat.

Dougie.

And you know what?

Princess 2.

Here's a little trick.

If you can't remember the dog's name, just guess Bella.

Yeah. Nine times out of time.
Bella, Stella, Lola. Those are girl dog names.
Those three. Did you ever experiment with your dog adoption company? That was a tough first sentence.
Did I ever experiment? Go on. Did you ever experiment with your dog adoption company? Yeah, go on.
There you go. Would you ever be like, okay.
Because I could see you doing this you doing this like printing out some sort of spreadsheet where if you change the dog's names would they be more adoptable so like you go if i just named this dog firecracker yeah this dog like captain captain steve captain steve is getting home definitely that day like how could you not adopt a dog named Captain Steve? They just make it up. Hey, Captain Steve, today you're a tiger.
When I was adopting Stella, it was clear that what they would do is just every day, one person was just feeling one thing. I walked in one day and it was like Pepsi, Sprite, Coke exactly it was like what is going on right here because they know when you adopt the dog you're not gonna fucking keep that name you think we're doing like sample testing yeah on the dog i didn't think that far but i did know on my very first day there the guy that was training me he was like this dog is macy and uh she was found in a lake she was rescued she swam ashore.
Her owner threw her overboard, if you can believe that, and the dog got adopted. He replaces with another dog, and he's like, so I'm going to tell the same boat story about this dog.
He just had a boat story that he would use over and over again. He's like, if people think this dog was thrown into water, they'll take it home.
Yeah. So be careful.
I was ready to adopt it until I found out that it was back-to-back dogs. Yeah.
Macy was a good dog, though. Spot twist.
It was thrown into the water off. Fighter.
Real fighter. Oh, Macy? Yeah.
Yeah. Swimmer.
Yeah. Probably beat both you and Hank in that contest.
Watch out. I fucking beat Hank.
I beat Hank. All right.
Hank is just... Thank you, guys.
I think what we learned today is we're all really good at some awesome shit. Yeah.
We are like the X-Men of very particular skills. I'm really good at turning off the video game right before I'm about to lose so it doesn't fuck up my season.
I can get it right... You know what I mean? Because they do the auto-save now.
You know how that works? I don't play video games anymore. Oh, yeah.
You emotionally can't handle it. One of my favorite Rusillo podcast, we'll end with this podcast lines ever, was no joke just goes, yeah, I had to give my Xbox to my sister.
What? I was playing too many video games. He wasn't joking, though.
You did. That's not 100%.
What was it? No, I just figured if there was other stuff I was going to be doing, I knew what would happen is I would go, okay, let's take a little break from writing here. I'm going to go down and save Panama again from these drug lords.
And I was just obsessed with this one Tom Clancy game where I was just cleaning out territories left and right.

And then I was like, okay, I've liberated this entire country.

And now I think I'm going to go and talk to all the villages

so my approval rating goes up.

And now I'm going to find every hidden gem.

And then I was like, okay.

And then I reset it so I could just take it.

I'd be like, I'm going to clear this whole side

but only using this artillery. And then I'm like, okay, now give this thing away.
Yeah, and this was like a year ago. A year and a half.
All right, thank you, guys. I appreciate it.
Thank you. I appreciate you guys coming for me when I had my kid.
We did. Yes.
Yeah, this has been fun. I got to go use the restroom real quick, guys.
Thank you for having me. Should we wait?

To come back?

Why don't you take a piss and we'll be right back. Yeah, yeah.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

I can tell you don't like me.

I can tell you don't like me. I just want to Well, it's my thing It's my thing

I just want someone to save me

I'll always be there when you wait

You know I like to keep my teeth dry today

Don't play with me and I'll have it made

We'll be it made. And I don't understand why I sleep all the way.
And I don't want to complain that there's no way. More I can do is read a book to stay away.
And it ripped my life away. Oh yeah.
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain You don't like my voice, but I'm insane It's not fair, it's not fair I just want someone to say I'll always be there with you You know I like to keep my teeth So stay with me and I'll have it made Oh, and I'll have it made

Oh, I'll have it made

Oh, I know I'll have it made

Oh, no, no, no

You know I'm really gonna, really gonna have it made

Yeah, yeah

You know I'll have it made

Oh, oh, oh