Comedian Theo Von, NBA Playoffs, And We're All In On Liquid Death

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Speaker 1 Ready, Henry?

Speaker 2 I'm ready. What did you just bring? It was already off.

Speaker 2 That was

Speaker 1 what

Speaker 1 is it? I don't know. On today's part of my take, we have the very funny Theo Vaughn in studio.
He's a comedian. He is on tour.
He is part of the Joe Rogan Mafia. Very funny guy.

Speaker 1 And a good interview with him. We also have NBA playoffs, hot seat cool throne, guys on chicks, and a whole lot more.

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Speaker 2 At participating, McDonald's.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 Look at the hannah, love washing,

Speaker 1 and then I can't blame all on the sun.

Speaker 1 It's part of my take presented by

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Speaker 1 Wednesday, May 8th, PFT.

Speaker 1 We're in the new studio and we have TVs. Let's see if we can do two things at once.

Speaker 2 This is going to be very tough because we have two TVs going right now as we're trying to do the podcast.

Speaker 1 We're like, this is going to be great.

Speaker 2 It's very distracting already. Like, I'm really into that Coors Light commercial.
That's going on already.

Speaker 1 So we have game seven of the blues and the stars going right now behind us. It is 1-1 with 14 minutes left.

Speaker 1 So if you want to pause your DVR when you're listening to this, you go back in time, pause your DVR, you can watch the end of the game with us. Live watch party.

Speaker 2 But, yeah, this is actually if you start pardon my take at the same time that you start the Blues Stars game with 14 minutes left in the third and the Wizard of Oz, it's all going to sync up, and then you also have to put on Pink Floyd.

Speaker 2 Yep, and you get high push contract. But, more relevant to tonight, a game that we have already watched: are the Sixers dead?

Speaker 1 Or are they just sick?

Speaker 2 Do they just have diarrhea?

Speaker 1 Does the whole team have diarrhea? Because Kawhi and the Raptors and Pascal Siakam beat the fuck out of the Sixers.

Speaker 2 I have a theory. This is just the next evolution of the process for Joelle and Bede.

Speaker 2 It's just have your star player get the flu and then cough all over the players in game five and get all the unvaccinated Canadian millennials sick.

Speaker 2 And so in game six, they're all going to be puking their guts out and your star player will be healthy as a horse.

Speaker 1 I like that theory. I don't know what the Sixers are doing.
It is,

Speaker 1 I feel like the Sixers won their championship in game three when Joellen Biede was going crazy and had all Philly in the palm of his hands and the place was rocking and he had an unreal game and it was like, okay, you know what?

Speaker 1 Let's wrap it up

Speaker 1 for the season. That was pretty awesome.
We can basically beat any team at our very best. We don't have to prove it, but we did one game, so that works.

Speaker 2 I'd like to just go ahead and apologize to Nick Nurse.

Speaker 2 I judged a book by its cover big time when they hired him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm wrong. It's a terrible name.

Speaker 2 Pick Nurse is an awful name for a head coach. I stand by that take.

Speaker 1 And he's got a weird look.

Speaker 2 I think he's pretty good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's pretty good. And the, look, I think the Sixers probably will win game six.
It will go seven, but this is a beat.

Speaker 1 Like, whenever a team loses like this in a series, you're like, how the hell? I know we're just doing knee-jerk reactions, but how the hell are the Sixers going to come back from that?

Speaker 1 And I don't even, I like the Sixers. I like Joel Embiid.
I'm a James Butler fan, but it's just like nothing fits for them.

Speaker 2 Right. Jimmy showed up tonight.

Speaker 1 Jimmy showed up tonight. Although he actually played decently.
I think Joellen Bi's shit really didn't help.

Speaker 2 You know who's real bad? It's Charles Barkley. Yes.
Charles Barkley is very upset at Joellen Bi for not pretending that he's not sick well enough. Right.
If that makes sense to you.

Speaker 1 That's perfect sense.

Speaker 2 But if you're a guy and you're the dude on your team, if you're the guys, if you're the dude that all the guys are looking up to, you have to pretend that you're not sick.

Speaker 1 So I want to revisit something, and it's perfect after what Kawhi keeps doing every single night. And he didn't score his, you know, like 40 that he's been scoring.

Speaker 1 They actually had like very even scoring throughout the team.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I wanted to revisit something that we've said on this podcast and I'm going to retract it. I don't miss LeBron.
I don't miss LeBron in these playoffs anymore. I missed him in the first round.

Speaker 1 The first round felt hollow without LeBron, but I do not miss LeBron anymore because these are the best playoffs we've had in a very long time.

Speaker 1 And it's all because of these young guys, all superstars, that are showing out night in and night out. I did some stats for you, PFT.
I actually looked up a a stat.

Speaker 1 This is a stat directly just from me, from me trying to navigate pro football, pro basketball reference, not pro football reference, pro basketball reference.

Speaker 1 In the last 10 years, there have been nine total guys that have averaged 30 points or more after round one. This year, there are four guys total.

Speaker 1 So that's insane how many guys are playing really well. The guys

Speaker 1 Kawhi, KD, Hardin, Damian Lillard. And I didn't even mention, obviously, obviously, Jokic, who's averaging a triple-double, basically.
Who's that? The Joker.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Yeah, we don't talk about the Nuggets on these podcasts.

Speaker 1 Giannis, who has destroyed Hank Celtics, and then the whole list of guys who basically are like a step below, who can have Unreal Nights at any given time. Embede, Steph, James Butler, C.J.

Speaker 1 McCollum, Shadow Hesse Hay, Chris Paul, Jamal Murray. I'll throw him in there so Nuggets fans don't get mad.

Speaker 1 I love these playoffs because the star power is insane and all these guys, like all these guys are going off every single night.

Speaker 1 KD goes off, Kawhi goes off, Giannis goes off, Jokic, no one watches it, but he goes off.

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell you why that's an awful take. Okay.
It's a terrible take. Yes, okay, yeah.
Watching young players that are good, that's fun. If you like good basketball, that's fun.

Speaker 2 I'm not talking about good basketball.

Speaker 2 I'm talking about the possibility of watching LeBron James get curb stomped in the Western Conference Finals by the Warriors of the Rockets and go home in four or perhaps a gentleman sweep in five.

Speaker 1 Well, so he wouldn't have last, even if he got in the playoffs this year, he wouldn't have last passed the first round. So you just throw that out there.

Speaker 1 Like the, the second, this has been such an unbelievable second round, and all these players are playing at such a high level. And I'm happy you brought up the, like, we were missing that big story.

Speaker 1 Might I remind you, we have an all-time battle going on between the Warriors and the Warriors.

Speaker 2 That's true. But real quick, back up to LeBron James for a second.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 You would be so excited.

Speaker 2 I would actually contend that it would be a bigger thing for people to

Speaker 2 nitpick Adam for if he got blown out in the playoffs than it is for him to miss the playoffs entirely. I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 People are just going to forget.

Speaker 2 People are going to forget that he didn't play in these playoffs. People already forget that.

Speaker 1 Listen, we'll remind you. No,

Speaker 2 if he showed up in these playoffs and you were watching him just get the shit kicked out of him night after night,

Speaker 2 that would do more to solidify y'all's little argument that LeBron James is not the GOAT.

Speaker 1 PFT, I am passing the torch from LeBron to the rest of the NBA. It's in great hands.
We do not need LeBron James anymore. I'm saying it.

Speaker 1 Like, these playoffs have been unbelievable and I've loved watching like what Giannis did against the Celtics on Monday night was incredible.

Speaker 1 Then right after, boom, James Harden drops 38 and Kevin Durant tries to drag Clay Thompson and Steph Curry's broke asses to a win in Houston. Like every single night, it's unbelievable.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying you would love it. You would be salivated.
I need somebody out there to make an artist rendition of what would be happening in an alternate radio.

Speaker 2 It would be fun where LeBron James is in these playoffs, getting yammed on,

Speaker 2 like taking his headband off to reveal a new hairline every night. These are the storylines that the average sports fan craves.

Speaker 1 I would love to watch LeBron lose. You're right on that, but what I'm saying is without LeBron, we've had four great series.

Speaker 1 And I guess I wouldn't even call the Celtics Bucks has been borderline not great because it's 3-1 and it looks like it's going to a 4-1 finish on Wednesday night.

Speaker 1 But like all the other games have been must-watch, whereas in years past, that has not been the case.

Speaker 2 Okay, you're also forgetting about the ancillary effects about having LeBron James in the playoffs, which would be you get to look forward to skip and Stephen A. Smith's takes tomorrow morning.

Speaker 1 Oh, I got something for you there. I'm dreaming about LeBron James the entire morning,

Speaker 2 taking you smooth sailing through the morning commute all the way to 11 a.m., nothing but LeBron James talks non-stop.

Speaker 1 That's what I also think. I think the problem is I like watching the game.
You like watching the game outside.

Speaker 2 I like the game within the game,

Speaker 2 which is Stephen A. Smith in LeBron's head as LeBron is playing in a game.

Speaker 1 So we've done. You know what? Let's finish the Warriors.
Let's talk about the Warriors, and then we'll get to Hank Selton.

Speaker 2 Right now, LeBron James is in your head, inside of his own head, inside of Stephen A. Smith's head.
I'm not even heading to the head. Inside of his own head.

Speaker 1 He's just got another barbershop show coming. I don't care.
So the Warriors versus the Warriors. Game four.
P.J. Tucker is...
You should love P.J. Tucker.
P.J. Tucker is a real dirt dog.

Speaker 1 He's slapping. He's grabbing.
He's doing everything he needs to do.

Speaker 2 I call him B.J. Tucker because he finishes.

Speaker 1 Okay, so

Speaker 1 an update on the Warriors versus the Warriors. The Rockets are trying harder.
The Warriors don't try as hard.

Speaker 1 If you watch the Rockets, they basically are trying for every 50-50 ball.

Speaker 1 Clay Thompson is now fighting against the Yips and the Avengers nerds because he bashed the Avengers and he walked out after two hours.

Speaker 2 He probably just had to piss.

Speaker 1 Steph Curry is dealing with... Now, Aisha Curry's comments, I didn't think there was anything wrong with it.
I don't know. I can't find anyone who actually is mad about it.

Speaker 2 So Aisha Curry said that she gets jealous because Steph Curry has a lot of women throwing themselves at him all the time. The group.
And she doesn't have any male attention.

Speaker 2 She actually said that, right? Which is weird because Aisha Curry is, I think, objectively a very attractive woman. By the way, Aisha, we'll give you some attention right now.

Speaker 2 I think you're great, and your cooking show wasn't as bad as people said it was.

Speaker 1 Also, who is the lady sitting next to you in that show that you did? Oh, Steph Curry's mom.

Speaker 2 Steph Curry's mom, yeah.

Speaker 1 Very awesome as well.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, Aisha Curry said this stuff, which I still can't find the people. It's a classic internet 2019 thing where everyone,

Speaker 1 one person says Aisha Curry's crazy, and then the reaction to the reaction is so overblown that I can't even find the person who called out Aisha Curry because nothing she said was like outside of common sense, and it was actually a good comment by her.

Speaker 1 And so now we have a bunch of people being like, yeah, Aisha, go, Aisha. It's like, wait, but who are we yelling at here? Find me that person.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I also think that this is just a masterful Phil Jackson-type trick that she's doing.

Speaker 2 You remember in between games, Phil Jackson would always say something outlandish so that nobody would focus on his players or any problems they had on the court.

Speaker 2 They would just be like, wow, I can't believe that Phil Jackson said that the refs need to meditate more.

Speaker 2 In this case, Aisha is saying, like, she's getting something to put her name out there in the news. Now people aren't talking about the Warriors versus the Warriors anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you know, Draymond's mom is probably upset about it.

Speaker 1 And also, back to the Warriors versus the Warriors, Clay Thompson has been rumored by Woge, he's going to resign with the Warriors, but Woge did the little trick that was like, if he doesn't resign with the Warriors, he's going to choose the Clippers over the Lakers.

Speaker 1 So now we start that.

Speaker 1 Draymond is letting Chris Paul get rebounds over him, and Kevin Durant's elbow got a boo-boo. Yeah, the Warriors versus the Warriors.

Speaker 2 There was also just a lot of elbowing and punching going on. A lot of hell.
It was fun. The year of the elbow.
And James Harden is very good, but James Harden also sucks at not cheating. Yes.

Speaker 2 He is really, really bad at not cheating. Right.
Or not trying to make the refs think that he's cheating.

Speaker 1 Trick the refs. He tries to trick the refs constantly.

Speaker 2 He's gamed the refs.

Speaker 2 But that series is really, really fun to watch.

Speaker 2 I'm starting to get into the Mike Greenberg zone where I'm like, I just wish, well, you don't know what the Mikey says this all the time.

Speaker 1 No, he's like, I wish they played 9.

Speaker 1 I wish they played 11. Yeah, exactly.
I wish this was the finals and the semifinals, and they just played 82 games next year, Rockers vs. Warriors.
Yep, that's exactly what they say.

Speaker 2 But yeah, that is by far the best series, but it would be even better if there was a looming LeBron James dunk off where he was just going to get the ball gamma through his face in the next round.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Hank, we are going to get to your Celtics, but we should just mention that we're about to start the Nuggets versus the Blazers. So here you go.

Speaker 1 Nuggets fans that get mad at us. Jokic is awesome.
We love Jokic. He drinks three liters of Coke a day or used to.
He used to be chubby.

Speaker 2 Used to.

Speaker 1 C.J. McCollum's our guy.
Dame Lillard is awesome. What else can we say that we'll like this is our

Speaker 1 time to basically

Speaker 1 so people can be like, like, why didn't you talk about that?

Speaker 2 This is the series that you watch if you're a true basketball fan. True.
If you're a basketball purpose, we're about to watch it.

Speaker 2 If you're a basketball purist, you say, you know, forget about the Rockets and the Warriors just tricking each other into fouling on three-pointers. That's not basketball.

Speaker 2 You know what my basketball is? Guard play. Yes.
Excellent guard play and good crisp dribbling. And that's what you get in the Nuggets Trailblazers.

Speaker 1 Minus Jokic.

Speaker 2 Minus Jokic. Who's not a guard.
He's not a guard.

Speaker 1 But he gets a lot of assists.

Speaker 2 But he's a good player. He's a throwback.

Speaker 1 So there you go.

Speaker 5 What are you going to say, Hank? Every Nuggets game, I just think that Isaiah Thomas is going to come off the bench and drop like 40 and like a heroic performance.

Speaker 1 It's going to happen. Never.

Speaker 1 One day. One day, hopefully.
Shout out to Pepsi Center. Shout out Rado.
Shout out C-Rad. We're going to watch Game Six.
Nug Nation.

Speaker 1 We have something we have to do tomorrow. We're going to watch game six and record after.
So we'll have your thoughts for that. Don't worry.
We got your back, Nugs and C-Rad. Don't, yeah, Hank.

Speaker 2 So this is what you do.

Speaker 1 This is called moving the goalposts. I say this right now.
I tell them. Now, Nuggets and Blazers fans are like, oh, they got our back.
They're going to watch game six and comment on Friday's show.

Speaker 1 I also have a lot. I'm going to get to Friday's show.
No one will fucking remember what I'm saying right now. Fuck shit, bitch.

Speaker 2 I also have a lot of stuff to unpack about how much I enjoy the city of Portland. But I'm going to save that to the next one.

Speaker 1 Love Rado. Yeah, Love Rado.

Speaker 2 We've all smoked weed. We've gassed up.
We've gassed the shit out of Rado already. We gas mapped.

Speaker 1 I'm ready to learn.

Speaker 2 I'm ready to just just open-mouth kiss the entire city of Portland and tell you how great I think it is.

Speaker 1 You know what I'll say? If the Nuggets or the Blazers win an NBA championship,

Speaker 1 I will eat Portland or Denver's asshole. Meaning, I will swim in one of their sewage pots.
Did it ever occur to you guys that

Speaker 1 the names of both of those teams

Speaker 1 are very weed-related? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The Nugs and the Blazers?

Speaker 1 The Nugs and the Blazers. Chill a series of NBA history.
I just asked you. What? What were you saying? Don't.
You gave me a look like you're going to have to do it. And guess what? I will.

Speaker 1 I'll swim in this,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 what are they going to do? Like one of those lakes where all the sewage goes to? What are those things called?

Speaker 2 Reservoir.

Speaker 1 No, that's where you can't ship.

Speaker 2 Okay. But I have.
A city hall.

Speaker 1 City Hall. Okay.
I will eat City Hall.

Speaker 2 All the politicians.

Speaker 1 Yeah, all the politicians.

Speaker 2 Hank, let me ask you this question. When it comes to your Boston Celtics,

Speaker 2 if there were a knife, a gun, and a grenade on your desk, which one one would you reach for first to terminate your life?

Speaker 1 Probably grenade. Yeah, grenade.
Did you just jump on it? Go out with a bang. Yeah? Would you be screwing jumping on it? I don't blame Kyrie

Speaker 1 right before you blow up.

Speaker 2 You would let it sit on the table and take a grenade to your face?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's one way to do it, I guess. All right, so

Speaker 1 where are you at? I mean,

Speaker 1 this is a classic case of a team that we talked about on Monday. They were trying to flip the switch all year, and they couldn't.

Speaker 5 It seemed like they flipped the switch in game one, which was the biggest cock tease of all time.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 But as is very often in sports, the team that you are all year, which was talented but ultimately very inconsistent, is exactly what they are in the playoffs.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I mean, obviously, they had shit all year. I was still thinking that everything you said in the beginning, all the stars, I thought that was going to be Kyrie.

Speaker 5 He was going to come out, take over, flip the switch, do what he had to do to win, and it seemed like they were going to do that.

Speaker 5 Like, the game was set up for them to win that game, but no one hit shots. When they got down, they just acted like they were beat.
They gave up. It seems like

Speaker 5 there's no fight. It seems like Kyrie's gone.
No one cares.

Speaker 1 Marcus Smart got clowned on by Giannis.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, that was funny. Like, that's funny.
It was funny.

Speaker 5 Yeah, Giannis, it's one of those, they're the best defensive team in the league, and Giannis is the MVP.

Speaker 1 That's the thing.

Speaker 1 I think it's because the Celtics have so much star power and because they were in game seven at Eastern Conference Final last year without Gordon Hayward and Kyrie Irving, that everyone was like, well, they're the best team in the East.

Speaker 1 But you forgot that the Bucs won 60 games and Giannis isn't. Absolutely.
Giannis is unguardable. He really is.

Speaker 1 Everything he does, and then when all his guys start hitting threes, what are you supposed to do to that?

Speaker 2 I mean, that's the key:

Speaker 2 he's going to get to the hole no matter what. And then when he kicks it out, are you able to make a three? Right.

Speaker 1 That's that.

Speaker 2 And they have been really, really good at that.

Speaker 5 There was still ultimately no fight, though. That's where it was disappointing.
It was like all three of the last games, the third and fourth quarter, where it was close. They just gave up the lead.

Speaker 5 And they didn't. There was no, there was no, literally no fight, no second unit.
Like, no one.

Speaker 1 So let's do a blame game.

Speaker 1 Let's do the blame game. Rank these guys that you put the blame on.
One, Kyrie Irving shooting like 25% from three.

Speaker 1 He said, credit to credit, Kyrie Irving, he did say you will not see another eight out of 22 from me. And then he went seven for 22.
So he's not a liar.

Speaker 1 Not a liar.

Speaker 1 Two, Gordon Hayward basically just not being the Gordon Hayward that was in Utah. I mean, three, Jason Tatum regressing because Kobe got in his ear.

Speaker 1 Four, Brad Stevens, who's who's 24 and 25, is a coach in the playoffs.

Speaker 5 Kyrie won. Okay.
Far and away.

Speaker 5 He's supposed to be the leader.

Speaker 1 He's the guy. I do think Kyrie, like, he,

Speaker 1 like, kind of fucked himself here because he, the whole way he left Cleveland, he's like, I want to be the guy. Like, you're going to get judged as the guy.
And guess what?

Speaker 1 There's probably only five or six guys in the NBA. Like, I'm talking best guy on a championship team.
And Kyrie is not what he's right below it, but he's not one of those guys. He's not a Giannis.

Speaker 1 He's not a Kawhi. He's not, you know, a KD, a LeBron.
Real quick,

Speaker 1 wait, real quick.

Speaker 5 If he had hit those shots and he was putting up like 30, 40 a game in these playoffs,

Speaker 5 he would be the same as Dane Lillis.

Speaker 1 I just want to point out that. I know where you're saying.

Speaker 5 It's a matter of fact, it's like that all has come out in the last seven games.

Speaker 1 But this was his prove-it. Yeah, this was his prove-it postseason.

Speaker 2 I pulled some saber metrics. He was seven for 22.
You know what that is? That's pie. It's 3.14.
Damn.

Speaker 2 I don't know what that means, but I think it's very notable, and it's probably going to impact the series in some way moving forward.

Speaker 1 And then after the game... You mean the Celtics might lose?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they might lose. I don't know what it's going to be, but I'm just saying, all you numerology buffs out there,

Speaker 2 keep your antennas up. And then after the game, he was asked about his performance, and he said, who cares?

Speaker 2 He said, who cares that his shooting wasn't bad?

Speaker 1 Mike Francesca.

Speaker 2 Who cares? Who cares? Do you think that his choice of words was bad, or do you think the attitude's bad?

Speaker 1 Well, that quote was kind of taken out of context. I agree with that.

Speaker 5 I mean, he's gone.

Speaker 5 He's out. You can tell he's gone.
It doesn't seem like he's going to come back. I thought it's kind of like Kawhi, if they win this series, there's a chance he's going to come back to Toronto.

Speaker 5 I thought if Kyrie made it to the Eastern Conference Finals or like finals, maybe he would come back. But I just don't, I don't see it happening.
Not with the way they're playing.

Speaker 1 The thing with Kyrie, and I do think.

Speaker 5 And who knows?

Speaker 5 They might make a miraculous comeback, but based off the way they just quit the last three games, basically.

Speaker 1 The Who Cares quote was definitely one of those ones I saw on Twitter, and I was like, I feel like this has a little more context. And he did do, like, like he basically what his point was, who cares?

Speaker 1 I'm going to keep shooting because that's what you have to do. Exactly.

Speaker 2 He's Australian. He lives by the no rules, just right lifestyle.
He's going to keep pulling that trigger. He's saying, what if the troops at Normandy had stopped shooting? Right.

Speaker 2 We don't be speaking Greek right now because Giannis would dominate us.

Speaker 1 What if they had stretched before him, Bob Wiley?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that would be a disaster.

Speaker 1 Would have been if they were just doing yoga for 30 minutes?

Speaker 2 That was definitely one of those moments where you saw the headline, who cares?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're like, wait.

Speaker 2 And the reporter was like, you went eight for 22, then you said you were going to fix it. Then you went seven for 22.
What does that mean for you? He's like, who cares?

Speaker 1 You just keep shooting.

Speaker 1 But so back to Kyrie, like, I don't, I,

Speaker 1 Kyrie's obviously an unbelievable player.

Speaker 1 It's just the problem is what he wanted and what he, like, like, basically the way he acted all year, like, wait till the playoffs, wait till the playoffs, wait till I go off.

Speaker 1 People are going to grade him on a curve, and that curve is you got to be the best player in the series. And obviously, he's not better than Giannis.
So it's like, what are you going to do?

Speaker 1 He's like maybe the seventh, eighth best player in the NBA, but the top five guys are the guys that you need to win to be the alphas on a championship team. So, I don't know.

Speaker 2 What's wild is if they win the next game, then they're back.

Speaker 1 Hank will be so back. This was fucking Boston.
Hank will be so back. This was fucking Hank.
If you go to game six in Boston, you will not be back. No, game seven.
Need game seven.

Speaker 1 No, you're going to be way excited. I'm not kidding.

Speaker 5 It was the way the game ended yesterday. Like, they literally, there was no...

Speaker 5 Sometimes, like, even teams at Celtics teams in the past, the team that went to the Eastern Conference Finals last year, they would have comebacks. They would show fight.

Speaker 5 They would have these big fourth quarter turnarounds. That game yesterday was like, they got down and they're like, all right.

Speaker 1 Pack it up. Yeah.
Pack it up. Which is exactly what I would do if I were a player.
You know what?

Speaker 2 I was like, let's just go on.

Speaker 2 What fucking sucks about Boston Sports is that Hank was so, so upset because the Celtics lost a non-elimination game, and then he changed the channel to watch the Bruins close out a playoff series.

Speaker 2 So, yes.

Speaker 2 So Hank had like five minutes of normal sports fandom feeling and emotion inside his body, which was, oh, man, this sucks. I'm so disappointed.
Oh, wait. Yep, we're going to get on the parade.

Speaker 1 Yep, here goes.

Speaker 2 I saw somebody, I forget who it was, but somebody online was pissed off that Boston has the opportunity to have four championship parades in a season, and the Celtics are taking it off from them.

Speaker 1 The Celtics are taking that parade. I saw it too.

Speaker 1 They didn't,

Speaker 5 the Boston Sweep deserved to go out with some fight.

Speaker 1 And it did not. It did not.

Speaker 1 Well, who knows? If they win on Wednesday night, you are definitely going to be back, and I know you are going to be back.

Speaker 2 I have a Jokic take real quick. Okay.

Speaker 1 They just showed him, by the way.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they just showed him on TV.

Speaker 1 You want to say that's that?

Speaker 2 No, I was going to say that he is not served well by high definition. No.
He is a low-deaf guy.

Speaker 2 You can't see. He doesn't have any definition of muscles.
And so when you have high definition on his no definition, it's striking just how pasty and kind of like flabby he is.

Speaker 2 But he's a really good basketball player.

Speaker 1 Well, and that's kind of why I love him because he's like the people's champ.

Speaker 1 He looks like a guy who will come out for a Saturday morning run.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he looks like a guy.

Speaker 1 Except he's seven feet or whatever.

Speaker 2 Pros versus Joe's. Yeah.
Yeah. That just dominates everybody.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, that was most triple-doubles in first playoff appearance. Magic Johnson, five.
Jokic, four. LeBron James, two.

Speaker 2 That's pretty insane. Jokic's Twitter account sucks, though.

Speaker 5 So Magic's got him on that.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, Magic. Wait, what do Magic had a fire tweet the other night that was talking about this series?

Speaker 2 Let's kick it over to our senior tampering correspondent, Magic Johnson

Speaker 1 analysis. Magic Johnson, who quit his job so that he could tweet us all these gems from the NBA playoffs.

Speaker 2 We'd be doing him a disservice if we didn't amplify his voice.

Speaker 1 Magic Johnson said James Harden's 38 points tonight had the Warriors players on ice skates. He led his Rockets to an even series 2-2.
Fact. So if you missed,

Speaker 1 this is our daily segment of of if you missed the playoffs, Magic Johnson's got you.

Speaker 1 Kevin Durant, this is one of my favorite things that Magic Johnson does, by the way, when he does lists that just go on forever. So he did Kevin Durant versus James Harden.

Speaker 1 Reminds me of some legendary player matchups like Michael vs. Isaiah, Michael versus Clyde, Michael versus Reggie, Kobe versus Alan Iverson, Shaq vs.
Tim Duncan. I can't forget matchups like Larry vs.

Speaker 1 Dr. J, Larry versus Dominique Wilkins, Larry versus Charles Barkley, Charles versus Carl Malone, Hakeem versus Shaq, Hakeem versus David David Robinson, classics.

Speaker 1 So he just lists like every playoff that has happened in the last 40 years.

Speaker 2 Magic Johnson is just, it's such a pure Twitter account. When he does his game recaps, it's indistinguishable from this update I just got sent from Twitter.
That's the news for you notifications. Yes.

Speaker 2 It says Raptors demolished the Sixers to take 3-2 lead in Eastern Conference semifinals. That right there

Speaker 2 might as well be a Magic Johnson.

Speaker 1 Same exact tweet.

Speaker 1 So we have, by the way, a little update. Four minutes left in game seven.
Still 1-1.

Speaker 1 Whoa, shots on goal. Oh, I don't even see what that said.
All right. So back to us trying to do a show where we have TV.
We're going to have to fix this.

Speaker 2 Yes, it's not sustainable.

Speaker 1 I don't know what we're going to do. But remember when we were like, oh, man, it's going to be so sweet in the fall.
We can watch games while we do the podcast.

Speaker 2 I just like the idea of having a functioning TV.

Speaker 1 Right. In front of our faces at all times.
Yes. So we can never miss anything.

Speaker 1 Want to do hot seat cool thrown? Let's do it. Hank, why don't you start?

Speaker 5 Sure. My hot seat is the Browns.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 5 I feel like they've been the darling of the NFL ever since the end of last year.

Speaker 5 Tyde hasn't really turned, but then Odell Beckham, he had an interview, and he said, Baker Mayfield, I would say he's next, but I feel like he's now. He's Brett Favre.

Speaker 5 He's going to be a Hall of Famer, which is a fair call.

Speaker 2 I'm going to wait for Scott Van Pel to tell me who's now.

Speaker 1 Yes. Please.
Of every state.

Speaker 5 And then he said he plans,

Speaker 5 he wants to turn the Browns into a championship dynasty level team. I plan on being here for five years and bringing as many championships as possible, turning the Browns into the new Patriots.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Jimmy Haslam's going to start getting jerked off in shady salons?

Speaker 1 I mean, he did just bring up a good point. Maybe at a Pilot J.

Speaker 2 I mean, if you think that a guy that owns 90 truck stops hasn't taken a few hand jobs in his day, you are very naive, my friend.

Speaker 1 We don't kink shame.

Speaker 2 Some concrete blondes?

Speaker 1 Oh, speaking of kink shaming, we don't kink shame on the new Barstool Gold podcast that we're dropping. When?

Speaker 2 That's coming out on Thursday. We interviewed a Dominatrix.
Dominatrix. Goddess of Viva.

Speaker 1 Goddess of Viva. I agree with you, Hank, though.
The Browns are quickly like

Speaker 1 their darlings. Everyone's excited.

Speaker 5 When you start predicting a dynasty, when you're the Browns.

Speaker 2 I don't know if he's predicting a dynasty as much as he's saying, I would like to be a part of the tournament.

Speaker 5 He's turning the Browns into the new Patriots.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so he's not predicting. That's what his goal is.
And trust me, Hank, I agree with you that

Speaker 2 all signs are pointing towards heartbreak in this situation because, yeah, the Browns are on a nice little upswing and they've acquired some awesome pieces.

Speaker 2 In my opinion, they definitely have the most talent inside their entire division, if not like, you know, one of the top two or three in the AFC.

Speaker 2 And I hope that they do really well. But I've been watching the NFL for long enough to know that when you're certain of something being good, that's when it's going to be bad.
Yes.

Speaker 1 By the way, Nuggets up to nothing. That game's over.

Speaker 2 Game set match. Let's go, Rado.

Speaker 1 Good job, Nuggets. What is your cool throne?

Speaker 5 My cool throne with that being said is shorts.

Speaker 1 Ooh. Ooh, okay.

Speaker 5 I'm in. Odell Beckham showed up to the Met Gala wearing a dress.

Speaker 2 So I feel like that just, what I said earlier.

Speaker 1 Was it a kilt? Was it a Roddy Roddy?

Speaker 2 I think he just cut. I think Odell Beckham was inside the cab.

Speaker 2 He probably takes an Uber.

Speaker 1 Uber Share. Uber Pool.
Uber Pool. By the way, you want to say your idea that's the meanest thing ever for our next bet?

Speaker 2 Yeah, for a next bet, I think the loser should have to take Uber Pool instead of Uber for a month. Oh, I used to take Uber Pool home sometimes.

Speaker 1 Really? Just for sure. Those poor customers.
Was that the only way you'd be able to get an Uber because your rating's so low?

Speaker 2 Well, lift, lift, lift, share.

Speaker 1 Okay, got it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a great idea. But it's going to be so mean.
I think Odell was probably on the way to the Met Gala, and somebody told him, hey, the theme this year is camp.

Speaker 2 And he was just already, he was just dressed in a tuxedo. He's like, what's camp? And he Googled it.
And he was like, shit, you just cut off the sleeves and the legs. And that's me.

Speaker 2 It's like a last-minute science fair project that you do the night before it's due. So what is the Met Gala?

Speaker 1 Besides really, like, is it?

Speaker 1 I feel like it's it's just basically a meeting of everyone in the Illuminati that they do it in public. So they're like, we're not in the Illuminati.
Look, would the Illuminati all get together?

Speaker 5 It's like one of those, it's a charity thing, and it's like $250,000 for a table.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 5 Type thing. So it's like, you know.

Speaker 5 Charity, but then only the richest people can go. So it just turns into a...

Speaker 1 And Katy Perry wore a hamburger suit. Uh-huh.
And dressed as a chandelier.

Speaker 2 And Cardi B dressed as a period.

Speaker 2 Really? She dressed as her aunt Flo.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh.
Okay. From Professor?

Speaker 2 Celebrating the Blood Festival.

Speaker 1 Got it.

Speaker 2 Yes, that was nice.

Speaker 2 I think it was my guy BroPear on Twitter said the Met Gala looks like an event that Bain would attack. Yes.
Should attack. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, it absolutely. So I still, every year it just pops up and I'm just like, what is going on here? And so it's the Met, formerly called the Costume Institute Gala.
C-I-G. The SIG.

Speaker 1 Why don't they go with that?

Speaker 2 I think Met sounds more prestigious.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, the New York Mets. Yeah.
So maybe not. Yeah, so I guess they just raise a bunch of money.
It is weird, though, seeing all these people who are.

Speaker 5 But it's like these people don't care about the Museum of Art.

Speaker 1 Right. Well, they do, and the fact they could write a check to you and just be like, here you go, take this check.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 As far as I know, it's just like a row of steps that people walk up and get photographed on. Yeah.
It's like Jason Derrilla fell down.

Speaker 1 Jason Derrilla did fall down.

Speaker 2 It's the New York version of the Rocky Steps.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's also, it's like it's the level of fame that is just above. Like if you are someone who maybe had a hit movie this last year and you're like, I'm really fucking killing it.

Speaker 1 If you're not at the Met Gala, you know that like, oh, yep, there's another stratosphere that I'm not even close to. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, Hank, but thank you for raising awareness of Shorts being back on. Are they on the hot seat or the Cool Throne?

Speaker 1 Cool Throne. Okay, thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's Shorts season. I'm wearing them right now.

Speaker 1 Good job. It's now 7-0 nuggets.
This game is over. See ya.
All right. BFT, you want to do your hot seat go-through?

Speaker 2 Yeah, my hot seat is moods. Yeah.
Just having moods because Burger King has announced a new line of meals saying, hey, sometimes you're not always happy.

Speaker 2 So we're going to do things that will make you happy if you're not.

Speaker 2 And we're having real meals, not just happy meals, including the pissed meal, the blue meal, the salty meal, which is that's just like every fast food meal. Yes.

Speaker 2 The Yas meal, Y-A-A-A-S meal, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 The D-G-A-F meal, that's Don't Give a Fuck.

Speaker 1 Hank bleeped that out. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Burger King said that?

Speaker 2 As part of Mental Health Awareness Month in May. So they have all sorts of meals depending on what your mood is.

Speaker 1 Wait, is that Don't Give a Fuck doesn't feel like that jives with mental health awareness.

Speaker 2 Yes, but it does jive with putting Burger King inside your body.

Speaker 1 Got it. Yeah.
That's true. That's true.
That's a good point. So

Speaker 1 which one's your meal?

Speaker 2 The horny meal. The horny meal.
It's actually just an Arby's sandwich and an eggplant.

Speaker 1 And you just put your dick right inside of it.

Speaker 2 No, you just put them together. Oh, and you watch.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. I thought you ate the eggplant while you put your dick in the Arby's melt.

Speaker 2 You can do whatever you want with the eggplant.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No king shaming shaming.
No kink shaming. All right, you got any other hot seats?

Speaker 2 Yeah, my other hot seat is pussies who drink beer.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Saw this. Because former Netflix creative director Mike Cesario announced he raised $1.6 million for his startup called Liquid Death.

Speaker 2 What is Liquid Death, you might ask? It's a straight-edge theme canned water startup. Yes.
So

Speaker 2 it's a bunch of tall boys that look like beer, but it's just hardcore water called Liquid Death. It's finally water for guys who aren't pussies.

Speaker 1 Did you see the commercial?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 So the commercial. So actually, this was my Cool Throne

Speaker 1 because I was going to go Cool Throne. What was I going to say for Cool Throne? Maybe it was my hot seat.
But either way,

Speaker 1 the commercial is a woman, she cracks open the beer. Yeah, I mean, it's actually water, and she's just pouring it out, and she starts talking.

Speaker 1 She says, Hi, I'm a professional actor, and I'm getting paid to tell you about a revolutionary new product.

Speaker 1 For years, a bunch of marketing fuckboys have tricked you into thinking that water is just some girly drink for yoga moms. I don't know who did that.
Yeah. Who has ever

Speaker 1 a lot of people?

Speaker 2 Okay. Only pussies drink water.

Speaker 1 And then goes on and on and on. And

Speaker 1 energy, she's like, every year water is responsible for thousands of thousands of deaths. That's actually true.
Hurricanes, monsoons, drowning, drowning, all that stuff.

Speaker 1 Energy drinks only kill like, what, one or two kids? So please don't fall for the marketing bullshit. Water is not yoga.
Water is liquid death. And then it pans out and she's waterboarding a guy.

Speaker 2 I feel like we're getting punked.

Speaker 1 I feel like

Speaker 2 this is a late April Fool's joke that

Speaker 2 they didn't have the money to get out on time. And now they're just going to be like, guess what? The new April Fools is May, whatever date it is in May.

Speaker 1 However, we might be getting punked, but I watched the commercial. I read up about this liquid death drink that's just water.

Speaker 1 I'm all in because I saw the like Dasani and the Aquafina and the Poland Springs bottles. I was like, I ain't drinking that pussy shit.
I want the tall boy of water, liquid death.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Russell Wilson made water that'll help you heal a concussion. This is water that's going to kick your little pussy bitch ass.

Speaker 1 It's, I mean, I'm in. If we can get some liquid death, yeah.
Someone send us.

Speaker 2 Water for people who aren't pussies. It's called vodka.
Liquid death.

Speaker 1 It's probably so expensive, too.

Speaker 2 It sounds awesome, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it does. Just give me a six-pack of liquid death.

Speaker 2 My cool throne.

Speaker 5 It's water.

Speaker 1 My cool throne. Sounds like something we would have made up really high.

Speaker 2 It's also beer. Okay.
So Hank pointed this my direction. Thank you, Hank, for the heads up.
You're my little newshound.

Speaker 2 The Rugby World Cup is advising.

Speaker 2 vendors in Japan that bars and restaurants might run out of beer during the tournament, so they better stock up and buy a shitload of it.

Speaker 1 When is this tournament?

Speaker 2 This is a different rugby tournament. It's a different game.

Speaker 1 Strap in.

Speaker 1 Let's go. Okay,

Speaker 2 we're going to do a little explain it to you guys. Yep.

Speaker 1 This is the unbuttoned game.

Speaker 2 This is my game of rugby 15s.

Speaker 1 We're going to be here a while.

Speaker 2 Rugby 15s, which is the full-sided game. Rugby 7s is the one that we're currently number one in the world in.

Speaker 1 Wait, so we've been playing half courts. You were talking about flag football? You've been talking about the big three? No, in fact,

Speaker 1 half-court rugby.

Speaker 2 You might say that the athletes in sevens are more athletic than the guys that play 15s.

Speaker 1 But they're only playing with seven of them.

Speaker 2 No, it's just two different types of the sport.

Speaker 1 If the NFL came out with football for fives, would you be like, this is awesome?

Speaker 2 They do seven on seven.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And it's not football. But I'll put it this way.
Everyone says, like, rugby. Eli Manning's sweet in seven on seven.
Matthew Stafford is awesome in seven on seven.

Speaker 2 They're both beautiful games in different ways. Okay.
So

Speaker 2 the World Cup is this summer in 15s, but in the Olympics, they only do sevens. Wait.

Speaker 1 So sevens is the Olympics player. Hold on, hold on.
So 15s, do they play multiple tournaments or just one?

Speaker 2 No, just one because it's 80 minutes.

Speaker 1 Oh, and then

Speaker 1 do we finish fourth in that?

Speaker 2 No, we're not very good in 15s.

Speaker 1 That would imply that we're good in sevens.

Speaker 2 We're very good in sevens. Even though we've never won.

Speaker 1 No, we did win. We've never won

Speaker 1 the full sevens.

Speaker 2 Yes, we... Well,

Speaker 1 not the entire season of it.

Speaker 2 Listen, you take what you can get when you're an American rugby fan, and we're very good right now.

Speaker 1 This is the golden age of

Speaker 1 American rugby.

Speaker 2 If we make it to Paris and we have a chance to win, I might go to Paris. Okay.

Speaker 2 When is that? Gay Paris.

Speaker 2 I think it's late June.

Speaker 1 Is that mid June? When is the 15th?

Speaker 2 That's July and August. So Japan.

Speaker 1 I have no idea. The 15s also, like, do seven guys play in the 15s? Some do.

Speaker 2 Okay. Some are on the national team, yeah.

Speaker 1 And which one pays better?

Speaker 1 Well, like, worldwide? Yeah.

Speaker 2 15s.

Speaker 1 That's where, like, the major leagues.

Speaker 1 But the sevens are not the. real.
No, listen.

Speaker 2 Is this your first time watching sports?

Speaker 2 Because the sport that you care the most about,

Speaker 2 the sport that you care the most about as a fan is the one that you're best at. Ipso facto, I care way more about sevens than I do about 15s right now.

Speaker 1 Got it. But like the sport that pays the most usually is the top league.
And you just said the 15s pay the most, but the sevens is the top league.

Speaker 2 Well, if all you care about is money. Yeah.
But a lot of people think that sevens pays more in respect from your competitors.

Speaker 1 Got it. That's all you need.

Speaker 2 I was great rugby teacher. I had another cool throne, but I'm not going to do it.
Why?

Speaker 1 Because you're just going to. No.
You're just going to

Speaker 2 insult me.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not. I didn't insult you.
I asked you. You're going to drag my enthusiasm through the mud.
I want to learn about rugby. And

Speaker 1 you are a great teacher. I've learned a lot.
I didn't even know. I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 I didn't even know their numbers, right?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a good question, A. Well, if there's another number, you're fucked.

Speaker 2 There are like five tens tournaments that take place each summer. But those aren't real.
It's not a real sport.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That would have been too much. But yes, I didn't even know 15s existed until you just brought that up.
So I feel like I'm walking out of this studio with more rugby knowledge than I walked in.

Speaker 2 There you go. You would like watching sevens more than you'd like watching 15s.
Faster game. You would like playing 15s more because they're like, you just walk around.

Speaker 1 They're like fat guys and they don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 Listen, I assumed that.

Speaker 1 So what's your other cool throne? No, that's it. Come on.
I'm done.

Speaker 2 PFT, please. No,

Speaker 2 maybe I'll double up next week.

Speaker 1 I don't have a cool throne. Okay, so can you do that?

Speaker 2 Big Cat's Cool Throne is one-day contracts. Okay.

Speaker 2 Because it's it's one-day contract season where they're bringing back a lot of players who are retiring that you thought might have been retired for the last several years in the NFL to sign with the teams that they got famous playing with.

Speaker 2 And then they just, you know, they're done after one day. Like Jamal Charles, actually.
Jamal Charles. Chris Johnson, I think, did one Jamal Charles.

Speaker 2 Now that I think about it, the Chiefs, with all the problems they've had, should just do one-day contracts with everybody.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 They should just show up and have everyone be one-day contracts.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a couple of bad apples ruined it for everybody on the Chiefs.

Speaker 1 I want to see someone show up for a one-day contract and like really milk it.

Speaker 1 Because you know they just go, they sign it, they take a picture, they do a press conference, then it's in, then it's over. Like what if someone shows up and like, this is my one-day contract.

Speaker 1 They lift, they get in the tub, they get all like the treatment, they get the electric stem treatment on their back, they sit in meetings, they use the cafeteria.

Speaker 1 I want to see someone just milk the fuck out of their one-day contract.

Speaker 2 Jamal Charles got a rep in.

Speaker 2 They gave him a handoff for his. The best part about one-day contracts, in my opinion, is that you get to to see all their highlight reels again.

Speaker 2 He's like, hey, you remember how awesome Chris Johnson was that one year that he won me my Fantasy Football League?

Speaker 1 Yes. Jamal Charles was so fucking awesome.

Speaker 2 Really, really fast.

Speaker 1 So, so fast. All right.
So that was my cool throne, One Day Contracts. Thank you, PFT.
That was good. Yeah.
My hospital.

Speaker 2 Notice how I didn't insult it?

Speaker 1 I didn't insult the rugbies. I asked questions.
You told me. I insulted the rugbies.

Speaker 1 The rugby.

Speaker 1 Your grammar.

Speaker 1 I asked questions. You answered them, and they got more hilarious as we got down the rabbit hole.
All right.

Speaker 2 I'm happy to do a deep dive on this anytime you'd like.

Speaker 1 My hot seat is Max Kellerman. Did you see what Max Kellerman did yesterday or Tuesday? Yes.
Today. Yesterday.

Speaker 1 He had two takes that were so, so hot that I think he has gone too far. Like, even Skip can do a good job of giving a little kernel of truth.
He started with Kobe is better than

Speaker 1 Kawhi is better than Kobe, which Stephen A. Smith, like, he looked like he was.
He actually, Stephen A. Smith was like, listen, like, I'm, I'm going to be nice to you.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say anything mean, but you're, like, the dumbest person I've ever talked to. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he misses Skip so much.

Speaker 1 He misses Skip so much. And then he also said Larry Fitzgerald might

Speaker 1 make the Hall of Fame. Yeah.
Number two all time in reception yards.

Speaker 2 Well, you never know because Larry might come out tomorrow and just say something like, all sports writers are fat slobs and Bruce Springsteen sucks. Yes.
And then nobody will vote for him.

Speaker 1 There's never been more of a lock for a Hall of Fame than Larry Fitzschield. His father was a sports writer.
He loves sports writers. He's really, really good.

Speaker 2 Did you know he was a ball boy for the Vikings?

Speaker 1 He's a ball boy for the Vikings. There's videos of him being a ball boy for the Vikings.

Speaker 1 He will be 100% first vote.

Speaker 2 Also, his career is even more impressive when you consider the quarterbacks that he's played with.

Speaker 1 11 Pro Bowls for 19 different quarterbacks. Yes.
That's insane.

Speaker 2 It is nuts. That's insane.
So yeah, he's definitely... You know what I was thinking? We were talking about about this before the show,

Speaker 2 but now that I'm a minister and you should become a minister as well, I want to just start marrying people without their consent.

Speaker 2 I am declaring on part of my take that Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless are married.

Speaker 1 Oh. And

Speaker 1 do Max Kellerman and like a toad.

Speaker 2 Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to witness the marriage of two reptiles, Max Kellerman and a toad. I now pronounce you man and amphibian.
Shout out to Max Kellerman.

Speaker 2 I'm not telling you which is which. For just trying.

Speaker 1 He's trying. He's not doing a good job.
I think this is all just to

Speaker 1 hide the fact that he farted on TV a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 2 So he's just coming out with crazy tails. Or maybe he's just being a good buddy, and Stephen A.
Smith has been getting dragged recently. So he's like, I'm going to take the heat off him.
True.

Speaker 1 That's a good point. That's a good point.
He probably's doing that. But yeah, the Max Kellerman takes are in Fuego right now.
He's in the zone. He's like NBA jam.
His shoes are on fire.

Speaker 1 So he's just dunking the ball.

Speaker 1 Should we get to Theo Vaughan? Let's do Theo Vaughn. Our interview with Theo Vaughn is coming up here in a second.
Before we do that,

Speaker 1 gold blues. Oh, no, that was a refugee.

Speaker 1 That was a highlight. Highlight.
Yeah, they're going to overtime, by the way. That's breaking news we forgot to break.
They're going to overtime. So watch the

Speaker 1 rest of the game with us in the segment portion of the show.

Speaker 2 Hey, it's PFT here, reminding you that Boars Head makes Game Day Entertaining elevated and effortless.

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Okay, here he is, comedian Theo Vaughn.

Speaker 1 All right, we're bringing on Theo Vaughn, rising comedian.

Speaker 1 Are you still rising?

Speaker 6 I mean, I think we're all rising, you know. I mean, it depends on how high you want to get.

Speaker 2 Would you say rising star?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 6 I don't know about that.

Speaker 6 Let's just say comedian.

Speaker 1 Okay, because we were just having a conversation.

Speaker 1 I rushed into it because we have to keep going with the conversation we were having. We were talking about Bitcoin, the great

Speaker 1 barstool bamboozle of 2000, what was it, 17? 18? The Bitcoin craze. We hired a guy who whipped everyone up.

Speaker 5 What was his name?

Speaker 6 Bitcoin Marty. Bitcoin Marty.
I heard about the guy. Let's put him on blast.

Speaker 1 He's a legend. I bought Bitcoin at, I think, I bought two Bitcoins at $11,000 each, and they dropped almost instantly.
Yeah. So I'm the biggest mush when it comes to the Bitcoin market.

Speaker 1 Do you own cryptocurrency?

Speaker 6 Yep, I lost probably, I think like every basic white dude, I lost about $3,200 in Bitcoin.

Speaker 1 You still own it?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I think I still own it.

Speaker 1 I can't even get the damn wallet open.

Speaker 2 That's the other thing. There's the wallets that can be hacked into.
And then that dude, what was it, the Japanese Bitcoin wallet guy, he just left. He just disappeared.

Speaker 1 He

Speaker 2 faked his own death, I think. Yeah.

Speaker 6 This guy evaporated, I think, or something. He disappeared.
Yeah. That's what happens.

Speaker 1 When you get to a level where you can kidnap yourself, like where you're at, the I need to kidnap myself, that's got to be a thrilling moment. Oh, wow.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's past the kill your wife level.

Speaker 1 Right, right. It's kill your like co-worker, kill your wife, then it's like, shit, I got to kidnap myself and just disappear.

Speaker 6 Yeah, the poor man's

Speaker 6 kidnap yourself is to push your wife off the cruise ship.

Speaker 1 Right, right, right, right. Carnival, subway bombs.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 When you can go next level and get that Japanese, that

Speaker 6 you know, that ninja for hire, two ninjas showed up, you know, while you were at like just hanging out at a park.

Speaker 2 When you start sending sexes of your limbs to people, that's when you know you've really made it. Yeah.
You're like, I got to prove that I'm kidnapped.

Speaker 2 So I'll make a self-ransom video and send them my pinky.

Speaker 6 Oh, I could see that, though, dude, especially as we get a little bit more automated. I could see somebody looking at their hands and be like, oh, hell yeah, I could get rid of three of these.

Speaker 1 I mean, I bet last year

Speaker 1 I'm a degenerate gambler. And

Speaker 1 I've long, like, I know, you know, if you're a degenerate gambler, you know that it just keeps going up. Like, you know, $5

Speaker 1 20 years ago is no longer a $5 bet. So I finally reached the apex where I bet the tip of my pinky that the Houston Texans wouldn't win the Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 And once you make that bet, like, I'm going to, eventually I will lose my pinky.

Speaker 6 Wouldn't ever win it?

Speaker 1 This last year. They wouldn't win it.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Do we specify that? No, it was.

Speaker 1 We'll have to go back and check this out. But either way, I'm going to bet it again because once you get that, like, it was a real thrilling few months.
You know what I mean? Oh, I bet, man.

Speaker 1 How much were you

Speaker 1 waging? Basically, like the top knuckle up. Oh, my God.
Yeah, right above the top knuckle. So just to nice.

Speaker 2 When you think about it, what do you use that nail for anyways? That's pinky nail. Cocaine on the nail.

Speaker 1 Maybe cocaine.

Speaker 6 Maybe cocaine. Maybe to help you if you have like a, like a,

Speaker 6 like an 18-ounce, like a, yeah, what is those 18-ounce can drinks to get

Speaker 6 to complement the weight on the other.

Speaker 2 Yeah, keep it underneath.

Speaker 6 yeah just to hold it yeah to hold it a little bit better if you get a little loose in there i think you don't realize that things get then you're just

Speaker 1 that's yeah that's like a doctor's answer they'd be like you don't realize but the 99 of your grip strength comes from the tip of your pinky or bullshit well if you play guitar doctor that drinks mickelob ultra too

Speaker 1 rollerblades with it too yeah

Speaker 1 remember those mickelob ultra where they're like just rollerblading they're like yeah you can drink and exercise it actually makes you more healthy it's basically a protein shake that you drink.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, so we do have Theo Vaughn in studio. That was a terrible intro by me.

Speaker 6 It's okay.

Speaker 1 And we started the convo.

Speaker 1 Thank you for coming in.

Speaker 6 Thank you guys for having me, man. Thank you guys.

Speaker 6 Congratulations on all your success.

Speaker 1 Oh, thanks. Thank you.

Speaker 1 You usually list people list the success when we say it.

Speaker 6 Okay, congratulations on

Speaker 6 the things you guys do for others.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, yeah.
No, we do a lot of that.

Speaker 6 The gambling outreach.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Getting people people addicted to gambling. Yeah, pretty much.
People first. That's our motto.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I mean, putting half of America probably in me undies and CBD.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 I got that.

Speaker 2 We sold a bunch of people Harambe shirts that they probably stopped wearing after a week.

Speaker 6 Well, now it's racially profiling to wear a Harambe shirt.

Speaker 1 Hey, listen, cancel culture comes for everyone.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Oh, it's coming fast, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Are you worried about that ever, being in comedy?

Speaker 6 I don't know, man.

Speaker 6 I think I'm on the other side of the thing where I don't get, like, I think the other side of the coin is the other side of the teeter-totter is building so much faster that if you're milling around still on that janky side over there, where it's just like

Speaker 6 then I think you're on the losing side of the spectrum. Yeah.
Most people just want to have fun and they're not going to let somebody in media like tell them what is funny or what isn't anymore.

Speaker 1 It is going to swing back, and it's like people who are.

Speaker 6 Oh, it's swinging back like Ned fucking Stark right now.

Speaker 1 Right. And they're like people who just want to have fun and have people, you know, make people laugh and not take themselves too seriously are going to end up winning.

Speaker 6 And that's most people. And I think that's one of the reasons why a lot of different networks and different people are having an opportunity.

Speaker 6 I think Hollywood just didn't see, like, they thought that they just narrowed everybody's mind and cornered them and owned them so much.

Speaker 6 And corporations that they had just owned them so much that they could do whatever they want with them.

Speaker 6 And then, yeah, whenever like elections were happening, it seemed like I'm getting deep, I guess. No, go for it.

Speaker 6 It seemed like they were, you know, whenever celebrities started telling me who I could vote for, who, how I could behave, or what my views were, dude, that's when I decided I don't want to be a celebrity.

Speaker 6 You know, I don't want to be whatever that is. I don't ever want to judge somebody for, you know, what they think their political choices are or whatever.
I don't know their life, you know.

Speaker 6 But that's when a huge possibility is when people are like, oh, well, these people, they just want my money. They don't really want to entertain me.
They want to tell me how to be entertained. Right.

Speaker 2 I also think celebrities, they reach this point where they're super comfortable with everything. Kind of like you see with a bunch of billionaires like Jack from Twitter and Mark Zuckerberg.

Speaker 2 i think jack from jack in the box dude that guy's always got money that guy's got money yeah he's got a big old head yeah and his son is like half his son half not but when you get to this what when you get to a place where you're super comfortable with everything in your life then you start making all these weird decisions for yourself and you try to enforce them on other people too because you're bored you don't have anything that makes you uncomfortable so you have to go find weird shit to do that's totally outside the realm of what everyday people experience and a lot of celebrities get to that point like george clooney once he made you know a billion dollars on tequila or whatever.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All of a sudden he has all the answers for everybody.
And he's got this disproportionate voice. So I agree with you.
I think that a lot of people are out of touch.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it gets out of touch and it gets dangerous, man. I think that kind of stuff is getting overplayed, too.

Speaker 6 Like, I think celebrity and like greed, I think a lot of that stuff's going to start to go out of style. You know, greedy is just so dirt.
It's just like at a certain point,

Speaker 6 if you have everything, that means somebody else has to not have something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I never understood that.

Speaker 1 And this might be just one of those things because people get really, really rich and at some point they were like us who were not really really rich because i sit here i'm like man if i had ten million dollars i wouldn't give a fuck i would stop you know trying to attain insane amount of wealth you know what i mean there's definitely a point you'd think but then how did someone get a billion dollars yeah they just kept on going they just wanted more money it's crazy really you think it'd have to be kind of i mean i just i don't know it's it's interesting to think yeah if if when does like greed step in when does your voice start to change but it's kind of like the bets i was talking about Like I say, sit here and I'm like $10 million.

Speaker 2 You'd still be making pinky bets.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then if I made a rush, if I made $10 million tomorrow, I'd probably be like, you know what's cooler? $20 million.

Speaker 6 Yeah, you're like, if one of these bitches that I don't know up here

Speaker 6 in the infirmary or

Speaker 6 infant ward, you know, rolls twins out of her vagina today, I'm making $11K. You're betting on crazy shit.

Speaker 6 You're betting on a random floor full of women who are dilating that one of them is going to fucking roll triplets.

Speaker 1 I actually, I haven't said this out loud, but I told it to PFT.

Speaker 1 I'm having a kid in June. Oh, wow, man.

Speaker 6 That's crazy, dude.

Speaker 1 One of my close friends is also having a kid in the fall, and we just were together last weekend, and we bet $10,000 at 18, we're going to get him in front of an independent panel and see which kid turned out better.

Speaker 6 I like that.

Speaker 1 $10,000 cash. Oh, praise God.

Speaker 6 I'd lobby for that.

Speaker 1 That's like a good bet, right? Because it's like, you know, it's kind of competitive, friendship.

Speaker 1 We're not going to tell the kids.

Speaker 2 The trick is, how do you find the panelists, though?

Speaker 1 How do you make that figure that pin it?

Speaker 2 Because you know that you guys are going to try to bribe them. You're going to try to get to them somewhere.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 It's got to be your own. It's your own panel.

Speaker 6 Why would you even have? Why have the whole thing until you're then going to bribe the people and try to get to them? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm confident. You don't want your kid to lose.
I mean, that's almost a bigger kick in the ass than you lose. I'm confident, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 That's true. But kind of if your kid loses, he's going to realize that he ain't all of that.
Yeah. That's got to be kind of rewarding as well.

Speaker 1 Right. I haven't really thought about the psychological effects to the kid, but I feel like, you know, $10,000.

Speaker 1 What we've got to do is put it in escrow. let it make some money right now.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's a good point, dude.

Speaker 6 Yeah, this would be a good time for a Robin Hood app. Plug.
Do you guys use Robin Hood? No, we don't.

Speaker 1 Oh, damn, never mind. If you want to read some of your ads,

Speaker 1 that actually would be great. You should start doing that because you have a podcast called This Past Weekend.

Speaker 1 If you just went on other podcasts, you're like, hey, can I just do a couple of my ads real quick?

Speaker 2 My guess is you probably have a lot of listeners that don't listen to us that are new.

Speaker 2 So if you want to take this time on our show to plug our show to your listeners that are crossovers, You can go ahead and do that.

Speaker 6 Look, I'll say this, people that are coming here from this past weekend and King and the Sting, these guys seem like nice guys. I came up in here in this building before.

Speaker 6 It kind of has like kind of a,

Speaker 6 what's that called when the lady keeps the girl and makes her be a pageant girl in the house and tells her she has down Cinderella. Three while she does it.

Speaker 1 Cinderella. Oh, what's he doing, Gilbert Grape? The act.
The act, yeah. Oh.

Speaker 6 So, yeah, it has like,

Speaker 6 I don't know what I'm talking about, but it has, but they seem like nice guys. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This is the last actual, this is the last interview we're doing in person in this studio.
Really? You guys are moving to a new studio?

Speaker 2 You're shutting the place down.

Speaker 1 Like, once the Ovon does it, it's like, spin it out. Burn the walls.
We don't need this place anymore. Bring it down.

Speaker 1 We got to talk about some Louisiana. Oh, yeah.
So we're big LSU fans. Oh, wow.
We love. We went down to Baton Rouge for the Bama LSU game.
Didn't get a cheer once.

Speaker 1 They got the shit kicked out. No, we cheered a lot.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah, before the game.

Speaker 2 I mean, before the game, the environment was like nothing that I've ever seen. The tailgate situation was just insane.

Speaker 1 friendly huge coach oh guys we had him on the show love coach coach oh yeah we love coach yeah best best accent of all time what is it about louisiana like there's something about louisiana that just is it's like this mystic alluring quality to it that i can't really put my finger on that and you're from there so can you explain it maybe

Speaker 6 yeah i mean i think look dude a lot of legend lives down there you know it's like a lot of plays it's more it's like the rumor belt you know people still don't trust electricity technology that much.

Speaker 6 You know, you're not going to find a lot of, you know, still people running on 3G down there. You get outside of the city limits.
You know what I'm saying? 3G, that's a fucking.

Speaker 2 I like that point that we've reached now where like Mystics and Ghosts and shit is on the same wavelength as 3G. 3G.
Slightly inconvenient self-tails,

Speaker 1 tall tail of 3G.

Speaker 6 Oh, he can barely get a full JPEG.

Speaker 1 You get out of the swamp, you hear the 3G winds

Speaker 1 whistling through the

Speaker 1 download of podcasts over an hour down there. Oh, you can't, bro.

Speaker 6 Oh, you listen to 15 minutes and just kind of just imagine just what the last 45 would be like. You have that kind of place.
It's kind of you still have to use your imagination, you know.

Speaker 6 And they have a lot of different textures in the land. You know, they got a lot of swamps, which are very mysterious.

Speaker 6 You know, they have a lot of like hearsay, just the kind of things that keep kind of like story and legend alive. You know, a lot of places they washed out all the legend.

Speaker 1 So you also say that you grew up in the stray animal belt of America. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love that saying, and I just imagine you having like just raccoons and cats and dogs.

Speaker 6 Fuck, we had a batch of lemurs come through one year, dude, and I don't know where they were from.

Speaker 1 So it's everywhere.

Speaker 6 I wouldn't say a zoo, but I think they escaped somebody, somebody who maybe a startup zoo.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there are a lot of startup zoos down there.

Speaker 1 Remember that guy in Ohio?

Speaker 2 There are a lot of like sanctuaries where it's just like a dude in some gators that he wrestles.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Gator farms.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Well, they used to have a dude.

Speaker 6 I remember they had a gay guy who would come fight a bear during like on college campuses and they would bring him him by and do you know wrestling or something in the lobbies of uh or not lobby like at a bar you'd go see him you know and it was like five dollars and the bear had all of its uh toenails pulled out or whatever

Speaker 6 but you could go watch him and people would watch him it wasn't really it was more hugging like hard hard hugging right why was it a gay guy why did that was it they said it was a bigger draw because it's a bear

Speaker 6 bigger draw got it yeah yeah and the toughest gay guy dude let me tell you this louisiana got the toughest fucking gay dudes ever man shout out to my boy billy conforto that i used to roll with, and he got passed away.

Speaker 6 But he, um,

Speaker 6 oh, dude, bro, he'd fuck you up, man. You can't even imagine what he'd look like, and while you're thinking about what he looks like, he'd fuck you up, bro.

Speaker 6 Dude, I'm surprised, dude. And he'll sell you weed, too.

Speaker 1 I love it. Well, I'll fucking you up.

Speaker 6 And he'll fucking, and then he'll take your brother out for ice cream, bro.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 6 Toughest dude ever looked like Don Flamanco, dude. Right? 40 years old.
We were bus boys together. We used to bus boy over by this dude's place who the guy wasn't even a chef.

Speaker 6 Told everybody he was a chef, started making food at a high-end restaurant, right?

Speaker 6 And it was garbage, bro.

Speaker 2 But did people, did he keep a job or did they fire him?

Speaker 6 Did they immediately like no, we worked there for two years, dude. A lot of fucking dirty duck coming out of the fucking.

Speaker 2 I mean, as long as you say a thing with enough confidence, people like let you go by. They're like, oh, that must be the Louisiana flavor that's coming out.

Speaker 2 It's like, no, the dude just doesn't know how to cook.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah. And he had that hat.
I mean, that's the thing about a chef's job. A lot of jobs that come with a hat,

Speaker 6 you immediately believe the person has the degree in the years of culinary experience.

Speaker 6 right right you know jobs yeah oh this dude yeah he had a yeah he had a couple of cutcoat knives and a fucking you know a batch of rare olives and he called himself a chef dude but there was a lot of rich people come up there because rich people know what the fuck they're doing dude if you put candles up you know you put candles up they'll fucking show up and pay an extra 60 right right he's the little fork i feel like that's once you get the once you get to like the fit the third little fork you're like oh this must be nice the amount of forks is what the level is oh and then there's this even smaller little thing where you're just like, what am I doing with this fork?

Speaker 1 Yeah, this fork is to put, like, you just don't know. There's just like seven pieces of fucking utensils.

Speaker 2 If you have a black tablecloth, to me, I'm like, okay, this is a nice rest.

Speaker 1 This is nice.

Speaker 2 As long as it's not plastic and like red and white checkered, then I'm like, okay.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 6 But yeah, stray animals.

Speaker 6 Remember, they used to have more stray animals. Yeah.
Like now everybody, animal has ownership. Some animals have a fucking chip in them.
You know what it is?

Speaker 1 Bob Barker.

Speaker 6 He changed everything. And his wife, too, or Betty White.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They got all the animals spayed neutered, which is probably a good thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we saw you.

Speaker 2 You're like, you're going to see a dog walking around with balls.

Speaker 6 Well, I like to see a dog who teaches the asshole in the neighborhood who's really boss. You know, that mother nature runs the battleship.
You just like alphas.

Speaker 6 Well, I just like there to be alphas because you've got to even it all out.

Speaker 6 Man, if you're running around with a bunch of people hopped up on fucking fish oil down here in Manhattan, the Jewish Atlanta, then you don't know what the fuck's going on.

Speaker 2 What about if you just spayed all the dogs, so you still left all the males intact? So they could go around proving alphaness, but the females couldn't get pregnant. Like on birth control.

Speaker 2 That's basically what we do in the United States.

Speaker 6 And dogs do birth control.

Speaker 2 Because we just trust women to take birth control because guys are too dumb to use it properly.

Speaker 6 Yeah, and they're not taking it. They're lying to people.

Speaker 1 You think so? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you speaking from experience? Oh, yeah, dude.

Speaker 6 I'm speaking from every guy's experience. A lot of women are lying about it.
They say they're taking it and they're not. Yeah.
And they're using the kids to get lawsuits, you know?

Speaker 6 I don't know, man. I've opened up nine cans of worms, dude, and we just have one fish in my body.

Speaker 1 I want to to go back to one can of worms. Dog balls are weird.

Speaker 1 You don't see them very much off.

Speaker 1 Like we're saying,

Speaker 1 dog balls are one of those things.

Speaker 1 I mean, you reference Game of Thrones, so I assume you watch.

Speaker 6 I'm in the first season. I'm on episode four.

Speaker 1 You fucker.

Speaker 5 I was wondering, you said swinging like Ned Stark.

Speaker 6 I was like. Oh, he's awesome, isn't he?

Speaker 1 He's the best. You're going to love the rest of.
He's awesome. Season eight, he's awesome.

Speaker 6 He's awesome.

Speaker 1 But the dragons were like lore. Dog balls are going to be like that.
Dog balls are the new dragons. Remember dog balls?

Speaker 1 You don't see them ever.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah, dude. When I was young, and that's how you learned about sex, watching a couple dogs fuck.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 2 So the birds of the bees is just like the rabbit dog in the backyards fucking again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the fucking birds and the bees shopping.

Speaker 1 Did you own any of these animals? Like, did any of them, maybe not own, because you can't own it, a stray animal, but like they just hung out.

Speaker 6 the Vaughan household. You know, in our neighborhood, you had a lot of stray animals.
You go outside, there's stray animals out there. Right.
They got a big dog dog in a neighborhood, you know.

Speaker 6 Somebody shot a big dog with an arrow in our neighborhood with a fucking bow and arrow one time.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? Did it live there?

Speaker 6 No, it didn't live there, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You can't do that.
That's a bomb.

Speaker 6 It was a French guy that moved in our area, and he shot a Rottweiler. Remember, they used to have Rottweilers?

Speaker 1 Yeah. They're still around.

Speaker 6 So that way the bully was always, there was checks and bulliances. Like, the bully always had a system where he wasn't, you know what I'm saying? The dog had a chance to come to the weak guy's rescue.

Speaker 6 Like, there was just more animals around. Like, they had more stray animals.

Speaker 2 yeah you had dog balls everywhere you had fucking an ecosystem yes you had more of an ecosystem you know uh a lot of people when they get their dogs neutered they put fake dog balls inside the sack so the dog doesn't know what the dog knows that's a little too much the dog nose they're called nudicles oh oh really yeah I used to work at a place that I was a dog salesman.

Speaker 2 I was a used dog salesman.

Speaker 1 So, like, people would bring in their bars.

Speaker 6 They'd be like, they're going to bring the market, right out on the bar.

Speaker 2 They'd bring in their strays, and then it was my job to, like, get all these strays and take them outside like a Pet Smart or outside a Petco or a grocery store in the neighborhood and set up the cages and then just try to get these dogs adopted.

Speaker 2 So I'd have a bunch of shitty dogs that had like

Speaker 2 ticks and fleas and all that stuff that we were trying to take care of. And then I'd get one puppy a day.
And if you had a puppy, you were good. You were good to go.

Speaker 2 So you'd use that puppy and go out and you'd wave at cars with a little puppy paw. And that's how you draw the customers in.
And they'd be like, I want to adopt that puppy.

Speaker 2 I'd be like, no, this puppy's already adopted.

Speaker 1 But can I interest you?

Speaker 2 But can I interest you in this catahoola, in this uh, anemic cattahoo?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and uh, so I try to switch him, the old bait and switch. It was actually a very rewarding job.

Speaker 6 Yeah, you want this wamerana with a shellfish allergy over here?

Speaker 1 Let me introduce you to one of my bad boys in a bat.

Speaker 6 Yeah, remember they had that show pound puppies back in the day? It was a bunch of dogs that were all fucking sick and dying. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know? Yeah.

Speaker 6 It's just like everything now, it just feels so safe out there, but it's not really, so you're not getting preparation. But yeah, we lived in a strand of belt, man.

Speaker 6 We had all kinds of, what else, dude? Raccoon? You see a bunch of raccoons out there fucking fist fighting in the morning, dude?

Speaker 6 You know, a couple mixed boys out there fucking just beating each other up near the recycling bank.

Speaker 2 You know what the internet's done to raccoons, though? It's made people think that raccoons are like the sweetest animals in the world.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And they're not at all.

Speaker 2 Because all you see is the cutest videos.

Speaker 2 Raccoons are vine stars. You get them off that six-second loop.
All of a sudden, they're coming at you. They're like biting your toes and giving you rabies.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah, man. Raccoons are really, I mean, they're burglars, man.
If you look at them, they're really, they're always in the garbage.

Speaker 6 They're kind of the homeless animal, even though all animals are technically homeless, you know, you know, according to God, but they're, they're the homeless animal, really. Yes.
They act homeless.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Oh, I'm fucking out here.
You know, give me a scarf.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 let me have a dollar. And then

Speaker 1 they'll attack you right as you get, you get your hand in your pocket. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 Like, let me do a backflip for a dollar. That's a big trick down in New Orleans, dude.

Speaker 1 Backflip for a dollar? Yeah, I feel like that's a good deal. Like, yeah, for the entertainment value.

Speaker 6 Yeah. But then another guy comes up and fucking hits you in the back of the head with a pistol and they take your watch.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
Good to know.

Speaker 2 Speaking of just being down in New Orleans and all the street hustlers down there, I feel like when I go to the French Quarter, that's one place where even though it is a tourist trap,

Speaker 2 the locals still hang out there. You know, like a lot of cities, you go to their tourist trap neighborhoods and it's just all people from out of town.

Speaker 2 I feel like New Orleans still has that authenticity where it's like people from New Orleans still hang out in these CD bar type neighborhoods.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I I remember when we were kids, or we would go over there and go into the,

Speaker 6 especially around Sugar Bowl or something. Virginia Tech had played somebody, and this is probably in like 19, maybe 1996.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 6 we were drunk, and we didn't have anywhere to sleep. So we were trying to sleep just like on these in the lobby of a

Speaker 6 I think it might have been like a, this is when Howard Johnson still had some real sweet fucking

Speaker 6 masters.

Speaker 1 That used to be a name that carried some weight. Ojo.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 A lot of parents would meet up and swap the kid to the other parent and a Howard Johnson.

Speaker 1 You know? The kid trade was going the way that I was going to be able to do it. I think it's your weekend.
No, it's your weekend to have a good time. Oh, God.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 But anyway, it was Virginia's act hokies, and I remember some guy came up and he goes, what's a hokey?

Speaker 6 And we were like drunk and just like, I don't know. We thought maybe he was a pedophile or something, but he wasn't.
You know, so we kind of like,

Speaker 6 you know, just like, oh, this is just a regular guy, you know. And then he's like, oh, it's a key to your mom's room.
That's what he said. I remember that.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good.

Speaker 6 And that that was the first thing I'd ever even heard about college sports was going down there and seeing about the Sugar Bowl and stuff.

Speaker 6 But then I got a little older and went to LSU for a while.

Speaker 6 And yet they have a real, you know, it's even more than a religion down there. People say that a lot of times they're so religious, but a lot of people's religions are really those

Speaker 1 teams. Yes, absolutely.
You can feel it.

Speaker 1 There's just going, the farther south you go, especially with football, it just feels like it, and I don't want to say it means more because then people are like, well, we love our team too.

Speaker 1 But it is. It's like a religion.
It's passed through the years and people just care so, so much.

Speaker 6 Yeah, they attach to it so much. I don't know if it's, it's definitely beautiful kind of to watch.
It's alarming sometimes.

Speaker 1 It is, it's weird when

Speaker 1 people use like 99% of their, like, who they are is a team. That's a little, yeah, that's when it gets a little alarming.
You're like, so like, what do you like? Yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah. When they have a daughter named Dabo.

Speaker 1 Right, right. Yeah.
That's actually not a bad name. Right.
Yeah. That's actually a millennial.
That's a millennial name for

Speaker 1 Dabo, yeah.

Speaker 2 Actually, Swinney.

Speaker 1 Swinny's a good name for

Speaker 1 a girl. That's a great, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was, yeah, if you had a girl, you should be a good one.

Speaker 1 That's a real good-looking girl.

Speaker 6 You or Juice. Who was the one other guy? He said, I got juice somebody on Clemson.
Remember him?

Speaker 1 Didn't have a guy.

Speaker 1 Juice.

Speaker 6 Juice. Or they called him the Juice, maybe.

Speaker 2 Texan Lawrence was on the juice. Was he? This year.

Speaker 6 He was on it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was on it.

Speaker 2 Well, we don't know. Dabbo said he wasn't, and I tend to believe Dabo.

Speaker 1 Have you ever tried steroids?

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah, dude. No shit.
Me and freaking shout out Billy Conforto, dude. He's on the topic today, but me and him used to pull off the interstate and shoot steroids into each other's butts.

Speaker 1 Did you get really jacked?

Speaker 6 Oh, dude. I could fucking, for the first time in my life, I could keep my hopes up, man.
I was strong.

Speaker 2 Where did you get the steroids from?

Speaker 6 We got them from this guy, Sean.

Speaker 2 Were you competing in any sport at the time, or you just wanted to get swole?

Speaker 6 Just looking nice in math, you know? That was it. Just trying to look nice in math class.
And I even remember my math teacher one time, dude, and she never gave me any attention.

Speaker 6 And she always looked at all the handsome boys in our class. And I remember one day she finally said, wow, Theo,

Speaker 6 that shirt looks nice on you. And I knew what she was fucking saying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're doing Sean's steroids.

Speaker 6 I knew what she was saying, dude. I knew her husband wasn't enough.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 6 her husband, when she got home today, he wasn't going to be enough.

Speaker 6 But yeah, it was fun. That's back when steroids was more.
Everybody was doing them.

Speaker 6 And it was fun.

Speaker 6 It was scary, but it was fun.

Speaker 2 Now it's HGH more, I think, than the steroids.

Speaker 6 Oh, stem sales. Now you'll see Joe Rogan has a little stack of fucking fresh stemmies he's eating out from under a table.

Speaker 1 Wait, does he have the, he does the HGH and all that stuff?

Speaker 6 I don't think he does, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's got a fridge full somewhere, you know?

Speaker 1 He feels like Joe, and I wanted to get to him because you're part of the Rogan mafia or whatever you want to call it, but he feels like Joe Rogan has gotten to the point where I'm convinced that like rich people and people of status have just different drugs than everyone else.

Speaker 1 Like, they have science that we don't have.

Speaker 6 He may have access to that.

Speaker 6 Yeah, people approach them first because they have the money for it. Right.

Speaker 1 And it's awesome. He's doing stuff that will keep him alive for 200 years.
Yeah. And it's like, that's pretty sweet.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah. I think, I mean, I think

Speaker 6 he might have that access. Well, even as you get a little bit more money, you get nicer things offered to you.
You know?

Speaker 2 I think like DMT guys were like, hey, Joe, we need a voice for our movement.

Speaker 2 I'll give you all the DMT that you could ever smoke in your life as long as you talk about it on the the podcast. And so now everyone just associates DMT with Joe.
Have you ever smoked it with him?

Speaker 6 I've never smoked it.

Speaker 6 I don't think I would ever smoke it, but

Speaker 6 I think I've done enough drugs that seem kind of cool. If a really cool drug comes out, I'll do it, but I'm not doing some of this janky shit they got out there right now.

Speaker 1 Right. Right, because you're sober now, too, right?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm sober now, but I just don't...

Speaker 1 Some of this, I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 6 You know what I'm saying? I'm not trying to disappear for nine minutes at my fucking cousin's house. You know what I'm saying? Like, some of these dudes, like, what are you doing?

Speaker 6 You got to go to work still.

Speaker 6 Like, your boss ain't going to believe you were in another dimension. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fucking 11 minutes.

Speaker 1 Not a valid excuse. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I wanted to actually just bring up Rogan real quick and like how, what, what is it?

Speaker 1 It is crazy because it feels like Joe Rogan is like the new media where, you know, 30 years ago, you go on Johnny Carson's couch and then you're made it.

Speaker 1 Joe Rogan now has that ability and you got linked up with him.

Speaker 1 And I'm not going to say like he made you, but would you say that your career has kind of taken off a little bit to a different level with you, you know, meeting Joe Rogan, being on his podcast, being friends with him?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I think

Speaker 6 I was thinking about this yesterday. Some man was talking about this to me.
This was,

Speaker 6 I was thinking about this. I think,

Speaker 6 you know,

Speaker 6 going on Joe Rogan, and I didn't know Joe Rogan, but I remember getting a text, a DM from him one night. And

Speaker 6 it said, hey, man, we'd love for you to come on the podcast. And

Speaker 6 it was equivalent to like whenever I'd first got in a Hollywood, like saying somebody's going to give you a shot, like you get a half-hour Comedy Central special.

Speaker 6 It was like, it carried that much weight, and I didn't expect that. And so I was really, really excited.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he's got a neat universe over there. I think it's another example of where,

Speaker 6 you know, that Hollywood's just gotten too.

Speaker 6 You know, even the people that work in Hollywood, they're all like from the same, like,

Speaker 6 it's nepotism now. It's a lot of third generation.
Nobody from the middle of america nobody has any stories everybody's just running on like statistics from different places and so people want more

Speaker 6 they want something more more of a real experience and i think joe's kind of like an experiencer you know i mean imagine if oprah did dmt dude you know what i'm saying she'd have the number one podcast yeah yeah absolutely so yeah so it's like but so i think he's he's kind of experimental in that word in that way i think joe rogan's the best interviewer because he's curious he's genuinely curious Like even when you talk to him to every dinner, like he's fucking, he will not stop being curious.

Speaker 6 And it's fascinating to watch somebody be that curious. He's like a golden retriever that's brave enough to do DMT.

Speaker 1 That sounds like the best pet in the world.

Speaker 6 And he's become like a planet.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 6 he has his points of view, but he doesn't seem very judgmental.

Speaker 6 He doesn't tell people how they should vote or what they should think,

Speaker 6 or how they should live their lives.

Speaker 2 What do you mean he's like a planet?

Speaker 6 He's become like a planet. Like there's more information.
Remember Pluto used to be a planet than it was now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, now Joe Rogan took its place. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 We know more about Joe, and you can see a moon sometimes. If you catch Joe in the right light, you can see a moon off in the distance.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 But he does have this little orbit that's it's been incredible to watch.

Speaker 6 Yeah, and I think it's just

Speaker 6 I think it was necessary. Otherwise, the road we're down, we're stuck really.

Speaker 6 Even you got, you know, like people love just freelance. They want the America, they want

Speaker 1 the American dream or whatever this is, you know, that somebody could pick up and have a voice again right and it's not so controlled by just a couple of few channels no it's true it's I think that's a big reason for our success as a company and as a podcast is like we are sports fans but we're not gonna we don't really have access we were friends with some of the athletes but right we'll tell you when we're friends with them we admit our bias you know what I mean we don't pretend to be something where we're not in that respect right and you don't have a huge corporation or maybe I don't know what y'all structured but it doesn't seem like you have a big corporation overhead telling you oh we can't really really talk about these things anymore.

Speaker 2 No, just don't bash any Peter Chernan movies over here. Really? Was it Dave and Mike Need Wedding Dates?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 what was your favorite part of that movie?

Speaker 6 The best movie of all time. I never saw that movie.

Speaker 6 It was on my plane the other day coming here.

Speaker 1 We're going to interview him in a couple weeks. He's a listener to this show.

Speaker 1 He is. Yes.

Speaker 6 What a I was the guy

Speaker 6 who got bumped up into first class, and then I got my food tray. I put it under my seat when I was done eating.
I didn't know. And it got stuck in the mechanics of my

Speaker 1 bed. So, dude, the ladies spent 15 minutes getting meatballs and ricotta out of the mechanics of the.

Speaker 2 They were like, we picked the absolute worst guy to bump up to first class.

Speaker 1 Wait, so that's where you're at now in terms of your career. You're bump up to first class class.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm bump up to first class.

Speaker 1 You got first class on its own. No, no.

Speaker 2 I got politely asked to stop using the first class bathroom on my flight back from Hong Kong. I was in coach, and I was like, you know what? I'm in this tiny little seat.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go up to the first class and take a leak up there, experience a little bit of luxury.

Speaker 6 I'm a little bit of a Highlander. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to give myself a little treat on the 16-hour flight. And I'm walking back from the restroom, and the lady comes up to me.
She goes, Excuse me, sir, you're not allowed to use that bathroom.

Speaker 2 I was like, listen, my pee smells just like everybody else's.

Speaker 6 Make a video, dude. Make a video.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. So, so, comedy, you're playing.
Uh, you're doing a tour, right, this summer?

Speaker 6 Yeah, we just started a new tour. And so, yeah, like, um, everywhere.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 yeah, I was seeing that. You're going, you were literally going basically everywhere.

Speaker 6 Yeah, we're going everywhere. And then Australia tour dates are coming out next week, and those people don't know, but they're so excited.

Speaker 6 But yeah, I got Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Boise, San Antonio, Austin, Tulsa, Oklahoma City. Nice.

Speaker 1 Do you love doing comedy? Like, do you do it every single day? Do you go to a club every single day? A comics comic.

Speaker 1 I've heard that phrase before. Yeah.
Like, are you a comics comic?

Speaker 6 No, I don't think so. I just like, I like,

Speaker 6 I don't know. Like, for the first time the other night, I went up and I was just, I didn't want want to be there.
I was just kind of tired. I was just like, I think I'm just a little bit burnt out.

Speaker 6 Yeah. So I think I just need to take a break or, you know, do some less episodes of podcasting or something.
I'm just tired. Like, my brain can't think.

Speaker 2 Recharge the battery a little bit.

Speaker 1 It makes a difference.

Speaker 2 Like, a lot of times when I'm just chilling out, if it's a long weekend, I'm not thinking about the show and I'm just living life. I'll come up with better ideas for the show when I'm not trying to.

Speaker 2 Yeah. As opposed to just like sitting down at a desk and being like, hmm, time to be funny.
Yeah. What can you think of now? You know, that sort of thing.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 I don't like getting to that point. I've never felt like I'm at that point, you know, or before.

Speaker 6 And so now it's just like, yeah, it just feels like a little bit more like, not out of my control, but just, you know, like whenever you're a kid and you learn to bike, you know, and finally like can bike.

Speaker 6 And then half a second after you think you got it, you start fucking the front get, you know, like

Speaker 6 shaking the front and the fence and the neighbor's fence gets closer. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 You know, you're like, that's you right now.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's where I'm at. I'm just like, oh, I got to park this bike, dude.

Speaker 6 You know, and take a moment.

Speaker 2 When you listen to comedy, who are the guys that you tune into?

Speaker 6 Oh, Richard Pryor, I like.

Speaker 6 You know, I like watching Chris DeLia. He's really entertaining to me.
He's just such a goof.

Speaker 6 I like watching Joe Rogan. A lot of his stuff,

Speaker 6 he's kind of fearless. He gets up there and tries new stuff.
Coco Diaz, Joey Diaz.

Speaker 6 He's fucking, I don't know what happened to him, but it's amazing. And

Speaker 6 who else, man? I don't know anybody else. Some Latinos, they got a Latino guy.
I can't even understand them.

Speaker 6 They got this dude Tocho that works in the kitchen at comedy store, and he gets up and just says, pussy over and over.

Speaker 1 But it's good, man.

Speaker 6 I mean, it is. I mean, to me, it's my vagina monologue good.

Speaker 6 It's the only word he knows, really. And he puts on these, he puts on rubber gloves and just keeps saying it.

Speaker 6 But I like Norm McDonald. David Spade's entertaining to me.
Nick Schwartzen makes me laugh just as just being around somebody.

Speaker 2 Norm is one of those guys that just absolutely never gave a fuck about anything. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Even when he was at the pinnacle of comedy, when he was on Saturday Night Live and they'd tell him, hey, Norm, stop making OJ jokes. He'd be like, yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 And then the next episode, he would do nothing but OJ jokes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, I admire that willingness to just say, fuck everybody. I'm going to do what makes me laugh.

Speaker 6 Yeah, Norm McDonald is, I mean, just one of a kind. And then it gets to be like...

Speaker 6 You'll see a lot of comedians who they're not learning about themselves because they're so afraid to be themselves.

Speaker 6 And that is a scary place to be, I think, as a young comic.

Speaker 6 I think, you know, let's talk about a sport.

Speaker 1 Okay, what's your favorite sport?

Speaker 6 I mean, I like the New Orleans Saints, but I like LSU, dude. I saw Les Miles one time at the Whole Foods dude buying way too much toilet paper, right?

Speaker 2 Because he eats grass.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So he just craps it straight out.
Yeah. He's like a goat.

Speaker 6 Dude, I'm sitting there with my sister, and we don't really get along well. So we're already fighting in the car.
You know, we park. That's how good the fight is, right? So we had to park.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 So, and Les Miles goes by with three things of shit tickets you know and fumbles one of them right in front of the car ball security and uh yeah and so uh but i was like you know i opened the door i was like hey we love what you're doing over there les you know yeah coacho is the best i mean he is he is like so louisiana yeah so down louis and like just being around him when we interviewed him just like talking to him being in his presence just lights you up does it really yeah he's got an energy for sure

Speaker 6 oh wow i could i could see that man yeah he seemed like that level. He seemed like Teddy Ruxman if he got kind of like discontinued and went down to the south to rebuild his life.
Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 And you just get, you like, I can get why he's so good at recruiting.

Speaker 1 You know, like, he's recruited guys, you know, back in his Miami days when he was recruiting that entire team and that entire defensive line.

Speaker 1 Like, when he gets around you, you're just like, I'll run through a wall for this guy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll put it this way. He outcharismed The Rock.

Speaker 1 Right. Wow.
Y'all had Dwayne Johnson in here? No, no.

Speaker 2 I'm saying he recruited The Rock to the University of Miami. And The Rock gives Coach O credit for developing him into the person that he is today.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's interesting.

Speaker 2 I think he gave him the nickname, The Rock, actually.

Speaker 6 Really? Yeah. That's interesting, man.
Yeah, it's amazing how some people just have that much charisma built in. And what a nice gift that

Speaker 6 some people just get that. I don't know if you can build that.

Speaker 1 See, I think that that, back to what we were talking about earlier, I think that people are born with that in Louisiana. Like, he's got this Louisiana charisma.

Speaker 1 You got something similar where it's like there's something about you in people in Louisiana, you're just kind of drawn to them.

Speaker 6 The Spanish moss magic is. You got it built in.

Speaker 1 There's that little, yeah, that little fog rolls in. Oh, yeah.
And then people show up and they got that Cajun accent. You're like, I want to hang out with this guy.
Right.

Speaker 1 We're going to have a good time wherever we end up.

Speaker 2 His brain's on 3G. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. I know we got to wrap up because

Speaker 1 we have to, but you guys have to go.

Speaker 2 I got a radio show that I do every day, but I can be late for it.

Speaker 1 So I did want to ask you about

Speaker 1 the fact that you had a grown man's cock at six years old. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How'd that change you?

Speaker 1 But you invented Big Dick energy.

Speaker 6 Well, Brennan Schaub talks about it a lot, but yeah, I guess I did.

Speaker 6 I don't know how it affected me. Hard to sleep at night, you know? Like Princess and the P.
You've heard of that?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Well, this is like just, you know, little Faunt Leroy in the penis. This is Princess and the Penis, you know? Prince in the penis.

Speaker 6 Yeah, not really cool, man. Having to sleep on the side.
It's almost like having a body pillow, though, at a very young age, you know, built into your body.

Speaker 1 Were you aware of this?

Speaker 6 I knew something was going on, dude, when I would be,

Speaker 6 you know, when I I had to run different, you know. I could run side to side faster than I could run straight.

Speaker 6 And that's when I knew something was going on, man. That's because my body caught up to it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay, so it's like you were.

Speaker 2 It's just like somebody that has like a big, big ears and they grow into them.

Speaker 1 Grow into them. You grew into them.

Speaker 6 About 11 or 12, you start to grow into shit. Remember 11 or 12? Like somebody comes to school one day and their chin's like four inches longer and you're like,

Speaker 1 summer break ends and someone's six inches taller. You're like, huh? Lay off the puberty, Daniel.
Yeah, right, right, exactly.

Speaker 6 Wow, you're fucking one of your buddies' arms, one of his arms is three inches longer.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So you were just like, come on, man, keep up with the rest of us.

Speaker 6 Yeah, and my body caught up, you know. But I was born, you know, I mean, I had the heart of a lesbian.
That's what the doctor told me when I was young. What does that mean? You know?

Speaker 6 I don't know, man. You know, I think it just means, you know, it was probably a technical term at the time, you know, but this is a different term.

Speaker 1 That's a Louisiana technical term.

Speaker 6 Yeah, heart of a lesbian.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you actually had like scoliosis.

Speaker 6 Rib cage of a large cat.

Speaker 1 That's what he said. Yeah.
Ribcage of a large cat.

Speaker 6 And he was my dentist.

Speaker 1 And your doctor?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Oh, he was definitely our dentist. Yeah.
Yeah. But, um, but yeah, remember that some kid is this arm would be longer.

Speaker 6 This one would be short or something, like the drawstrings on like a, on a pair of like gym shorts.

Speaker 1 Yeah, their clothes, like, you, you, they had they hit the growth spurt, but they hadn't gotten the new clothes yet. So their pants didn't fit and their shirts were too small.

Speaker 1 And everyone's like, it is fucked up to think about puberty, how like everyone was just like, boom, you hit it.

Speaker 1 And then there's that one kid who didn't hit it, and he's still, he's still, like, four or five, and you're like, yo, this sucks, man. I'm scam, bro.
Like, eventually you'll get to us. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 But now that's a drug I would do. Puberty, bro.
You break out a couple grams of puberty. I'll smoke that shit.
Sucks. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Go through second puberty. Oh, make your arms grow.
Grow a beard in the middle of your back.

Speaker 6 I like that.

Speaker 2 That's a good idea for a drug.

Speaker 1 Just wake up with energy. Oh, yeah.
Just that, like, I can do anything energy.

Speaker 6 Oh, just grow a fucking mustache on the fucking rim of each one of your balls in your sack.

Speaker 2 Get a little, your, your dick looks like a friar's head.

Speaker 1 You just got a little

Speaker 1 crown of hair around the head of it. You remember having that energy, too? Like, I haven't had that energy in so, so long where you just, you wake up and you're like, I got this.

Speaker 1 Like, I can do anything. I can run around for 10 hours and still be ready to go.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm going to play seven games of basketball today, dude. Yeah, and then I'm going to real quickly get ready for work and make it to work on time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, masturbate 16 times and still feel okay.

Speaker 6 Only taste some of it.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, just for fun. Just a little taste.
Then you get on the tip of your tongue. Then you get to

Speaker 1 get your voice cracking a little bit.

Speaker 2 There's some downsides to puberty again.

Speaker 6 Well, that's the dark side. It's just like methamphetamines, man.
You know what I'm saying? Puberty is just, I mean, that's Mother Nature's fucking

Speaker 6 crank. Meth.
It's Mother Nature's crank, bro, because it gets you feeling good, but there's some downsides. There's the acne.

Speaker 6 You know, there's the, you can't sleep, you know.

Speaker 6 Your arms are getting, feeling real long.

Speaker 2 I also think that kids these days are getting desensitized to porn.

Speaker 2 So like when we were growing up, when we were going through puberty, you found like a Playboy magazine or something like that, and it was like, holy shit, this is the holy grail. This is amazing.

Speaker 2 These are boobs. I can't believe it.
It was something special. Nowadays, it's like

Speaker 2 you got to have some weird, dark shit for kids to get excited. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I bet kids today probably do watch porn way too early. Because, I mean, Baywatch was porn for me.
Yeah. Like, oh, man, this is awesome.
They're in bikinis. Dude, watching mom?

Speaker 6 Yeah, watch mom crack open a beer dude right by the sofa and that bikini was that was our bay watch you know but it was different dude we used to have me and a black buddy of mine when we were young used to go you're somebody had chiseled a uh

Speaker 6 a pair of tits in like a half of a birch tree out near us behind the fence so we'd go back there and jerk off

Speaker 6 to a tree look at this tit tree yeah people would be out there all the time adults be out there yeah you see that tit tree and this was a different time you know and people had respect nobody was like oh you look at you over there coming by the wood, you know.

Speaker 6 People would wait their turn and be like, Ah, all right, man, I'll be back in a little.

Speaker 2 You done with that tree? Make sure to wipe it down.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got a few more sets, like going to the gym. Like, no, let me just finish real quick, and then you can get on it.

Speaker 6 The bus belt, man, it was just different times, dude. Um, all right, well, we do actually have to go now.

Speaker 1 Damn, man, Theo, this has been awesome.

Speaker 6 Yeah, guys, I'm sorry that I talked so much. No, you were great.

Speaker 1 Everyone go check out your tour coming up. We're going to actually be LA a couple weeks, so maybe we'll meet you up there.

Speaker 6 Yeah, have you guys been out to the comedy store before?

Speaker 6 No, you've never been? No, oh man, I'll take you out. Do you know what weekend it is?

Speaker 1 Uh, we're gonna be there.

Speaker 6 Oh, good, man. Well, yeah, I'll get you guys.
Yeah, let's go out. Let's go out one night.
That'll be awesome.

Speaker 1 Awesome. All right.
Thanks for that, Theo. Yeah, thank you guys so much, man.
Yeah, I really

Speaker 6 appreciate you guys.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's get to some segments. The overtime in game seven has started.
The blues and the stars.

Speaker 1 You want to just do play-by-play for like four seconds?

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay. So,

Speaker 2 okay, they're passing it. This guy's skating pretty hard.

Speaker 2 Goalie's behind the net and he's dumping it off.

Speaker 2 Neither of these teams are the capitals. That's all I got.

Speaker 1 Okay, so we'll update you if there is a goal, a real goal.

Speaker 2 Or if the Capitals appear.

Speaker 1 Or if they show a replay of a goal again. We'll probably say that, too.
Let's do some segments, though. First up, we have Talking Soccer.
Big-time Champions League drama.

Speaker 1 Liverpool comes back from down 3-0 to win 4-0, which they ended up winning 4-3 on aggregate. It's two legs, Hank.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 It's the world's most beautiful game.

Speaker 2 It's aggregate, so the two games the score counts is one game.

Speaker 1 4-3.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, I don't understand the rules of this. This tournament's so complicated.

Speaker 1 Are you still upset about the rugby thing? I think you might be. What do you want me to do? I can apologize.
Do you want me to say I love rugby?

Speaker 2 No, I tried to grow the game, and you guys don't want to experience

Speaker 2 new things, so that's fine.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that was Talking Inside of Talking Soccer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they hit him with a Hesse Hay on the corner. Yes.
The ultimate Hesse Hay. The big-time Hesi Hay.
It was actually a very cool set piece.

Speaker 2 Yes. So credit to Liverpool, like, I guess, 3-0.
Has that ever happened before?

Speaker 1 Actually, so 2017,

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure Paris Saint-Germain blew like a 5-0 lead or something, a 4-0 lead.

Speaker 5 That's a team, not a person? It's a team.

Speaker 2 Paris Saint-Germain. Yeah,

Speaker 1 they lost 6-I think they lost 6-1 in the second leg.

Speaker 1 So it has happened, but it still was incredible because you'd think our goat, Messi, would be able to stop it, but unfortunately he doesn't play goalie, so it's not his fault.

Speaker 2 Right, he's actually... Usually as far away from the goal as possible.

Speaker 1 And Ronaldo was out like a couple rounds ago.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so he still maintains GOAT status.

Speaker 2 Also, brilliant PR move by Barca. No one's talking about the defeat of the Spanish Armada by the English a while ago.
This is the biggest win for England.

Speaker 1 Yeah, also really nice color rush. All red versus highlight green.

Speaker 2 It was very, very nice. Very cool.

Speaker 1 So now it's the Liverpudlians versus either Ajax, which I know I'm saying incorrectly. I know people will get mad.
Ajax, but I'm spelling it American. Ajax.
Versus Tottenham. Okay.

Speaker 1 So to see who goes and plays Liverpool.

Speaker 2 In the last leg. Yes.

Speaker 1 No, in the champions. The championships.
The championship in the champions.

Speaker 2 Everything is just a leg. Yeah.
Every game in soccer.

Speaker 1 There's only one leg in the last one. Oh, really? Yeah.
Is it neutral sight? Yeah, it's neutral site championship of the champions.

Speaker 2 I like that.

Speaker 1 That was talking soccer.

Speaker 1 We have a PR 101. Hank, why don't you introduce this PR 101, the Game of Thrones PR 101?

Speaker 5 Game of Thrones fans are very, very, very upset. After the last episode because when Jon Snow basically gave up his dog, got rid of him forever, Dire Wolf, he didn't pat him.

Speaker 5 And so, you know, people were upset online afterwards.

Speaker 5 And I guess a writer, the writer of the show afterwards, said it was because they didn't have the budget in the CGI to have him pet, which then just set people off even more.

Speaker 2 This is the same show where dragons breathe fire onto people, and

Speaker 2 literally, people just disintegrate and they pet dragons.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Okay, cool. I just want to make sure.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes. And the show that goes and films in New Zealand for like four years straight, and they can't just have one little boop on the way out.

Speaker 2 I have a theory about this. Okay.
I think this was all a setup because they see how good those YouTube videos do of soldiers returning from battle to their dogs. Yes.

Speaker 2 Jon Snow is going to return back to Winterfell, and it's going to be the ultimate soldier returns from war, and his woofer has a major case of the Zoomies.

Speaker 1 That would be an all-time scene.

Speaker 5 The problem is, though, people are just upset because the writers don't, there's no, like, they're not doing any of that surprise.

Speaker 5 It's not like like they're saying that knowing that they're going to get outraged, but it would be great if they're like, they think that's a real explanation.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they do think it. People are really, really mad.

Speaker 1 I'm one of them.

Speaker 5 People are also mad about the Starbucks Cup thing, which I think is like...

Speaker 1 Yeah. Who cares? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have a comment about the Starbucks Cup that I haven't seen anybody make yet. I don't think it was a Starbucks Cup.
Oh. I think people are giving them millions of dollars of free advertising.

Speaker 2 I think it was just a normal coffee cup that had the sleeve around it. Yes.
That like brown sleeve. I'd agree with you.
And so now people are using the term Starbucks like we do with Kleenex.

Speaker 1 They're getting slight Starbucks on us. They are.

Speaker 2 Where it's a brand name that just is substituted from now on for coffee.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'd agree. I actually completely agree because I saw it and everyone called it a Starbucks Cup.
So I naturally just saw a Starbucks cup.

Speaker 2 Yep. Sorry, not sorry.
Yeah. It might have been a Pete's Cup.

Speaker 1 By the way, didn't you read that it's actually better to not say goodbye to your dog?

Speaker 1 You were telling me about that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so there was a major case of, well, actually, this is the best part about the internet.

Speaker 1 On the internet. We're fighting about CGI dogs.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is very hot debate in the streets right now. Somebody said, actually, if you make a big deal out of leaving, then your dog gets more anxious while you're gone.

Speaker 2 So you should just be a huge dick and never pay attention to your dog. That way they're never happy to see you when you're on.

Speaker 1 I mean, I guess that makes sense. I do always say to Stella right before I leave, I'll be right back.
Because she doesn't, she's a dog. She doesn't have no time.

Speaker 2 I'm getting some cigarettes and milk from the store.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like, yeah, I'll be right back. But she doesn't know time.
Like, I could be gone for 12 hours or two seconds. It's time is time.

Speaker 2 I tell Lears, I love him every time I leave.

Speaker 1 He's like, hey, I'll be right back. Don't worry.
I say, I love you, and I give him a little boop. A little boop, boop.

Speaker 1 All right, we have a thoughts and prayers for Country House. Done.
Dead.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's out of the preakness. Oh, okay.
He's not dead. No, he's out of the preakness.
Okay, guys. Still alive.
Still not paced yet.

Speaker 2 They said that he's coughing and acting like he's going to get sick.

Speaker 2 So he's Joel Embiid. So he's faking it.
Yeah, he's either Joel Embiid or... I could see this.
If I'm Country House, if I'm that horse, I would probably do the exact same thing. Yes.

Speaker 2 Because you're never going to top that. Yes.
You are going out completely at the top of your game. You're a Kentucky Derby winner, and why would you ever try to follow that up?

Speaker 1 You're going to finish like 11th in the preakness, and everyone's going to get remad about the fact that you won the Kentucky Derby. That's absolutely what would happen.
Right.

Speaker 2 It's like a one-hit wonder that should have retired after their first album.

Speaker 1 So now maximum security has to go and win the last two legs, and then it can be like the greatest non-triple crown that should have been a triple crown ever.

Speaker 2 That would be great. Is maximum security, is he going to race? Or is he banned for life for almost causing the big one?

Speaker 1 That's true. He might have banned him for life.
Yeah. Bad horse.
Let's hope. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hank, you want to finish us up with the guys on chicks? We got 15, five minutes into the overtime. Blues just shot, missed.

Speaker 5 Guys on chicks, what are your guys' favorite part of a chicken?

Speaker 2 Of a chicken. Oh, good question.
So

Speaker 2 I like the breast.

Speaker 2 No, obviously I'm a big wing guy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dark meat?

Speaker 2 Dark meat's good. Yeah, the dark meat's where all the flavor's at.

Speaker 1 Yeah, although it is a little gooey sometimes. and kind of gross.

Speaker 2 As a white person, I never season it. That's true.
I just boil it.

Speaker 1 You boil a big chicken and then serve it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't even de-feather it.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I don't even kill it.

Speaker 2 If you don't de-feather the chicken, when you poop it out, it wipes your butt for you.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 5 Hey, boys, especially future dad cat. My five-year-old daughter has heard my husband say things like, not in the nuts, or, ooh, right in the nuts, while grimacing in pain.

Speaker 5 So she, of course, has started to say similar things in similar situations, like when her sister throws something at her, for example.

Speaker 5 It's honestly so hilarious, but I definitely worry about her exclaiming this at school and her teachers thinking we are shitty parents with our little girl apparently thinking it's hilarious to say she is nuts.

Speaker 5 What would your talking points be if you were in our shoes?

Speaker 1 Well, I'd probably just go with, and this is probably not good for my future parenting skills, but I go with the theory that

Speaker 1 any stupid thoughts that your kid has will just be bullied out of them.

Speaker 2 That's a very good theory.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's true, right? Like, eventually, he, like, the kid is going to go to school, say, not in the nuts, and everyone will be like, you don't have nuts, you idiot.

Speaker 1 And then they're going to be shamed and they're never going to speak confidently again in their life.

Speaker 2 Life finds a way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 I would suggest, if you really want to correct this behavior, just tell your husband whenever something gets thrown at him, say, hey, not in the clip.

Speaker 2 And then it'll make way more sense when she says it at school.

Speaker 1 Don't hit.

Speaker 1 That's good. That's perfect.

Speaker 5 Why do guys get so upset and disrespectful towards their favorite team just because they lose a game?

Speaker 1 Ooh. Well, it's personal.
And it's very personal now that it's in social media age because your team is your identity.

Speaker 1 And when your team does poorly, you take everything that's said about it as a huge slight against your own personal

Speaker 2 life. Yeah, I went through this.
I've gone through this most years of my life. You just did it with rugby.

Speaker 2 No, I'm still very much on board. I'm leading the choo-choo train of USA Sevens.
But I'm saying that as a Capitals fan, I've experienced disappointment many, many more times than I have joy.

Speaker 2 And I experienced it a couple weeks ago, and I was definitely in a funk for about 24 hours. And then I just thought to myself, like, this doesn't make sense.

Speaker 1 That's maturity.

Speaker 1 Becoming a mature adult male is learning how to not let every slight on your team like ruin your week. That's really what it is.
I'm down to 24 hours. Right.
Progress. Right.

Speaker 1 Like, Cody Parky jokes bother me for about two weeks. Then I was okay.
Yeah. Like that's not bad, right?

Speaker 1 Like you, if you can get to a point in life where someone can bash your favorite player or your favorite team and you're like, I don't care, then you're basically Buddha.

Speaker 2 It actually helps doing a podcast, a sports podcast, because that's what we do to each other all the time. Right.
So we're kind of immune to it.

Speaker 2 So I would suggest having the man in your life start a sports podcast, but not a really good one so it doesn't. take away from us.
Correct. Just so he can get that bullied out of him.
Yes.

Speaker 5 All right. Last one.
Sup boys, especially Thick Cat.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 5 I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and while we were together, he decided to DM a bunch of NFL players asking for autographed jerseys. Using the fact that he's in the military.

Speaker 1 Really cool. Normal.
Long story.

Speaker 1 Totally normal. Long story short.

Speaker 5 I have his autograph, Malik Jackson, the only player who has time to respond to regular people's DMs, I guess. Jersey.
Should I give it back?

Speaker 5 I was fully intending on giving it back, but I recently found out he's already talking to girls within the two weeks we've been broken up.

Speaker 5 Well, he's probably DMing him because we've dated for over a year.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I say you give him the Malik Jackson jersey back because that's

Speaker 2 no disrespect to Malik Jackson.

Speaker 1 Recurring guest, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was going to say,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 1 No, what you want to do is you want to hang on to that memorable interview.

Speaker 2 You want to hang on to that Malik Jackson jersey and you want to get it framed in all your thirst tracks.

Speaker 1 No, he wasn't.

Speaker 1 Was Malik Jackson on the show? Yeah. I'm pretty sure he was.
He was. Yeah, absolutely.
Very memorable. No, he definitely was.

Speaker 1 Super Bowl champion. He was in the studio.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Super Bowl champion.
Yeah, Molik Jackson.

Speaker 1 I thought you were saying

Speaker 1 Malik Jackson.

Speaker 2 He's the guy that made Cam Newton make the business decision.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 he was good. All right.

Speaker 1 You remembered it. Hall of Famer.

Speaker 2 You frame that jersey, put it behind you, then in all your thirst traps that you take on Instagram, have his jersey that says, like, thank you, sir, for your service, autographed on it, in the background.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That'll really get to him.

Speaker 1 Or you can also do, you can DM all the the guys that he DM'd asking for an autographed jersey.

Speaker 1 And because I assume you have yourself as your avatar, they will definitely answer and they will definitely give you an autographed jersey and then take a picture of all your autographed jerseys of all the guys that wouldn't send him autographed jerseys.

Speaker 2 That's a very, very good solution.

Speaker 1 Because you know the guy, they'll be like, oh, you want to, oh, okay, yeah, you can have an autographed jersey. Yeah.
And then you just get a whole like, you know, library of autographed jerseys.

Speaker 2 I think that's elegant. You just need to one-up them in some way, shape, or form.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then just shove it in his face.

Speaker 1 Or, like Monday's reading, just whoever his favorite player is.

Speaker 2 Just late night experience. Here's what you do: you got to fuck Malik Jackson.
You got to.

Speaker 1 On top of the jersey.

Speaker 2 In his jersey.

Speaker 1 In his jersey. And then have him sign in again.
Yeah, with a different sort of name. Okay.
See you Friday. Love you guys.

Speaker 1 Shy away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for your big day.

Speaker 1 Day me

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 our

Speaker 1 beyond.

Speaker 1 It's Pardon My Change presented by Ball School Schools.