Comedian Theo Von, NBA Playoffs, And We're All In On Liquid Death

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
Twin Peaks is the best in the game. Here, historic rivalries tip off with shareable bites and every shot you take is a game winner.
I mean, where else can you pair wall-to-wall hoops with hard-to-find whiskey? Only at Twin Peaks, the number one sports bar. Ready, Henry? What did you just break? It was already off.
That was... What is it? I don't know.
On today's part of my take, we have the very funny Theo Vaughn in studio. He's a comedian.
He is on tour. He is part of the Joe Rogan Mafia.
Very funny guy and a good interview with him. We also have NBA playoffs, Hotsy Cool Throne, Guys on Chicks, and a whole lot more.
When your home system or appliance breaks down, American Home Shield will help fix or replace the covered item, no matter its age. Visit AHS.com slash listen for 20% off any plan.
See AHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, limitations, and exclusions. Okay, let's go.
Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence. And then I love the soap Hey! We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
And then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports. Welcome to Pardon My Take presented by the Cash App.
Go download it right now. Use code BARSTOOL and they'll donate five dollars to saving animals at aspca today is wednesday may 8th pft we're in the new studio and we have tvs let's see if we can do two things at once this is gonna be very tough because we have two tvs going right now as we're trying to do the podcast we're're like, this is going to be great.
It's very distracting already.

Like, I'm really into that Coors Light commercial that's going on right now.

So we have game seven of the Blues and the Stars going right now behind us.

It is 1-1 with 14 minutes left.

So if you want to pause your DVR when you're listening to this, you go back in time, pause

your DVR, you can watch the end of the game with us, live watch party.

But yeah, this is...

Actually, if you start, pardon my take, at the same time that you start the Blues-Stars game with 14 minutes left in the third... And the Wizard of Oz at the same time.
It's all going to sync up, and then you also have to put on Pink Floyd. Yep, and get high as shit.
But more relevant to tonight, a game that we have already watched, are the Sixers dead? Or are they just sick? Do they just have just have diarrhea does the whole team have diarrhea because Kawhi and the Raptors and Pascal Siakam beat the fuck out of the Sixers I have a theory this is just the next evolution of the process for Joel Embiid it's just have have your star player get the flu and then cough all over the players in game five and get all the unvaccinated Canadian millennials sick and so in game six they're all going to be puking their guts out and your star player will be healthy as a horse I like that theory I don't know what the Sixers are doing it is I I feel like the Sixers won their championship in game three when Joel Embiid was going crazy and had all Philly in the palm of his hands and the place was rocking and he had an unreal game and it was like okay you know what let's wrap it up for the for the season that was pretty awesome we can basically beat any team at our very best we don't have to prove it right but we did one game so that works I'd like to just go ahead and apologize to Nick Nurse I I judged a book by its cover big its cover big time when they hired him yeah and I'm wrong it's a terrible name Nick nurse is an awful name for a head coach I stand by that take and he's got a weird look I think he's pretty good yeah he's pretty good and the look I think the Sixers probably will win game six will go seven but this is a beat like whenever a team loses like this in a series you're like how the hell I know we're just doing knee-jerk reactions but how the hell are the sixers gonna come back from that and i don't i like the sixers i like joel and bead i'm a james butler fan but it's just like nothing fits for them right jimmy showed up tonight jimmy showed up to although he actually played decently i think joel and bead shit you know really didn't help you know who's real bad is charlesley. Yes.
Charles Barkley is very upset at Joel Embiid for not pretending that he's not sick well enough. Right.
If that makes sense to you. It makes perfect sense.
Well, if you're a guy and you're the dude on your team, if you're the dude that all the guys are looking up to, you have to pretend that you're not sick. So I want to revisit something, and it's perfect after what Kawhi keeps doing every single night.
And he didn't score his, you know, like 40 that he's been scoring. They actually had like very even scoring throughout the team.
But I wanted to revisit something that we've said on this podcast, and I'm going to retract it. I don't miss LeBron.
I don't miss LeBron in these playoffs anymore. I missed him in the first round.
The first round felt hollow without LeBron. but I do not miss lebron anymore because these are the best playoffs we've had in a very long time and it's all because of these young guys all superstars that are showing out night in and night out i did some stats for you pft i actually looked up a stat this is a stat directly just for me for me trying to navigate pro football pro basketball reference.
Not pro football reference. Pro basketball reference.
In the last 10 years, there have been nine total guys that have averaged 30 points or more after round one. This year, there are four guys total.
So that's insane how many guys are playing really well. The guys this year, Kawhi, KD, Harden, Damian Lillard.
And I didn't even mention, obviously, Jokic, who's averaging a triple-double, basically. Who's that? The Joker.
I don't know who he is. Yeah, we don't talk about the nugs on these podcasts.
Giannis, who has destroyed Hank Celtics. And then the whole list of guys who basically are like a step below, who can have unreal nights at any given time.
Embiid, Steph, James Butler, CJ McCollum, shout out to Hezi Hay, Chris Paul, Jamal Murray. I'll throw him in there so Nuggets fans don't get mad.
I love these playoffs because the star power is insane. And all these guys, like all these guys are going off every single night.
KD goes off. Kawhi goes off.
Giannis goes off. Jokic, no one watches it, but he goes off.
I'm going to tell you why that's an awful take. It's a terrible take.
Yes, okay. Watching young players that are good, that's fun.
If you like good basketball, that's fun. I'm not talking about good basketball.
I'm talking about the possibility of watching LeBron James get curb stomped in the Western Conference Finals by the Warriors or the Rockets and go home in four or perhaps a gentleman sweeping five. Well, so he wouldn't have last, even if he got in the playoffs this year, he wouldn't have last passed the first round.
So you just throw that out there. Like the second, this has been such an unbelievable second round and all these players are playing at such a high level.
And I'm happy you brought up the, like, we're missing that big story. Might I remind you, we have an all-time battle going on between the warriors and the warriors that's true but real quick back up to lebron james for a second yes you would be so excited i would actually contend that it would be a bigger thing for people to nitpick nitpick at him for if he got blown out in the playoffs than it is for him to miss the playoffs entirely i don't know people are forget.
People are going to forget that he didn't play in these playoffs. People already forget that.
Listen, we'll remind you. No, he will remind you.
He showed up in these playoffs and you were watching him just get the shit kicked out of him night after night. Nope.
That would do more to solidify y'all's little argument that LeBron James is not the goat. PFT, I am passing the torch from LeBron to the rest of the NBA.
It's in great hands. We do not need LeBron James anymore.
I'm saying it. Like, these playoffs have been unbelievable, and I've loved watching.
Like, what Giannis did against the Celtics on Monday night was incredible. Then right after, boom, James Harden drops 38, and Kevin Durant tries to drag Klay Thompson and Steph Curry's broke asses to a win in Houston.
Every single night, it's unbelievable. I'm just saying you would love it.
You'd be salivating. I need somebody out there to make an artist's rendition of what would be happening in an alternate reality.
It would be fine. Where LeBron James is in these playoffs getting yammed on, taking his headband off to reveal a new hairline every night.
These are the storylines that the average sports fan craves. I would love to watch LeBron lose.
You're right on that. But what I'm saying is, without LeBron, we've had four great series.
And I guess I wouldn't even call the Celtics Bucs has been borderline not great because it's 3-1 and it looks like it's going to a 4-1 finish on Wednesday night. But all the other games have been must-watch, whereas in years past, that has not been the case.
Okay, you're also forgetting about the ancillary effects about having LeBron James in the playoffs, which would be you get to look forward to Skip and Stephen A. Smith's takes tomorrow morning.
Oh, I got something for you there. Screaming about LeBron James the entire morning.
Don't you worry. Taking you smooth sailing through your morning commute all the way to 11 a.m.
Nothing but LeBron James talks nonstop. That's what I also miss.
I think the problem is I like watching the game. You like watching the game outside.
I like the game within the game, which is Stephen A. Smith in LeBron's head as LeBron is playing in a game.
So we've done – you know what? Let's finish the Warriors. Let's talk about the Warriors, and then we'll get to Hank Seltz.
Right now, LeBron James is in your head, inside of his own head, inside of Stephen A. Smith's head, inside of his own head.
He's got another barbershop show coming. I don't care.
So the Warriors versus the Warriors. Game four, P.J.
Tucker is – you should love P.J. Tucker.
P.J. Tucker is a real dirt dog.
He's slapping. He's grabbing.
He's doing everything he needs to do. I call him B.J.
Tucker because he finishes. Okay, so an update on the Warriors versus the Warriors.
The Rockets are trying harder. The Warriors don't try as hard.
If you watch the Rockets, they basically are trying for every 50-50 ball. Klay Thompson is now fighting against the Yips and the Avengers nerds because he bashed the Avengers and and he walked out after two hours he probably just had to piss steph curry is dealing with now aisha curry's comments i didn't think there was anything wrong with it i don't know i can't find anyone who actually is mad about it so aisha curry said that uh she gets jealous because steph curry has a lot of women throwing themselves at him all the time and she doesn't have any male attention.
She actually said that, right? Which is weird because Aisha Curry is, I think, objectively a very attractive woman. But Aisha, we'll give you some attention right now.
I think you're great and your cooking show wasn't as bad as people said it was. Also, who's the lady sitting next to you in that show that you did? Oh, Steph Curry's mom.
Steph Curry's mom, yeah. Very attractive as well.
So yeah yeah aisha curry said this stuff which i i still can't find the people it's a classic internet 2019 thing where everyone uh one person says aisha curry's crazy and then the reaction to the reaction is so overblown that i can't even find the person who's who called out aisha curry because nothing she said was like outside of common sense and it was actually a good comment by her. Right.
And so now we have a bunch of people being like, yeah, Aisha, go Aisha. It's like, wait, but who are we yelling at here? Find me that person.
Yeah, I also think that this is just a masterful Phil Jackson type trick that she's doing. You remember in between games, Phil Jackson would always say something outlandish so that nobody would focus on his players or any problems they had on the court.
They would just be like, wow, I can't believe that Phil Jackson said that the refs need to meditate more. In this case, Aisha is saying she's getting something to put her name out there in the news.
Now people aren't talking about the Warriors versus the Warriors anymore. Yeah, but you know Draymond's mom is probably upset about it.
And also, back to the Warriors versus the Warriors, Klay Thompson has been rumored by Woj. He's going to re-sign with the Warriors, but Woj did the little trick that was like, if he doesn't re-sign with the Warriors, he's going to choose the Clippers over the Lakers.
So now we start that. Draymond is letting Chris Paul get rebounds over him, and Kevin Durant's elbow got a boo-boo yeah oh that's versus the warriors there was also just a lot of like elbowing and punching going on it was fun the year the elbow and james harden is very good but james harden also sucks at not cheating yes he can't he is really really bad at not cheating right or not trying to make the refs think that he's cheating trick the refs he tries to trick the refs constantly he's gamed the refs and uh but but that series is really really fun to watch um i'm starting to get into the mike greenberg zone where i'm like i just wish well you don't know what the mikey says no he's like i wish i played nine i wish i played 11 yeah exactly i wish this was the finals and the semi-finals and they just played 82 games next year rockers versus versus Warriors.
Yep, that's exactly what they say.

But yeah, that is by far the best series.

But it would be even better if there was a looming LeBron James dunk off where he was just going to get the ball game through his face in the next round.

Okay, so Hank, we are going to get to your Celtics.

But we should just mention that we're about to start the Nuggets versus the Blazers.

So here you go.

Nuggets fans that get mad at us.

Jokic is awesome.

We love Jokic. He drinks three liters of Coke a day or used to.
He's used to be chubby. Used to CJ McCollum's our guy.
Dame Lillard is awesome. What else can we say that will like this is our this is our time to basically you know what people can be like why didn't you talk about that? That's this is the series that you watch if you're a true basketball fan.
True. If you basketball purist, you say, forget about the Rockets and the Warriors just tricking each other into fouling on three-pointers.
That's not basketball. You know what my basketball is? Guard play.
Yes. Excellent guard play and good, crisp dribbling.
And that's what you get in the Nuggets trailblazers. Minus Jokic.
Minus Jokic. Who's not a guard.
He's not a guard. But he gets a lot of assists.
But he's a good player. He's a throwback.
So there you go. What were you going to say, Hank? Every Nuggets game, I just think that Isaiah Thomas is going to come off the bench and drop like 40 in like a heroic performance.
It's going to happen. It never happens.
One day. One day.
Hopefully. Shout out to Pepsi Center.
Shout out Rado. Shout out C-Rad.
We're going to watch game six. Nug Nation.
We have something we have to do tomorrow, but we're going to watch game six and record after. So we'll have your thoughts for that.
Don't worry. We got your back.
Nugs and C-Rad. Don't.
Yep, Hank. So this is what you do.
This is called moving the goalposts. I say this right now.
I tell them. Because now Nuggets and Blazers fans are like, oh, they got our back.
They're going to six and comment there on friday's show i'll say the time we get the friday show no one will fucking remember what i'm saying right now fuck shit bitch i also have a lot of stuff to unpack about how much i enjoy the city of portland but i'm gonna say i'm gonna save that to the next love rato yeah both places you can smoke weed we've gassed up We've gassed the shit out of Roto already.

We gassed, man.

I'm ready to unleash.

We Jeremy Tunsell them.

I'm ready to just open mouth kiss the entire city of Portland

and tell you how great I think it is once they make the next round.

If the Nuggets or the Blazers win an NBA championship,

I will eat Portland or Denver's asshole,

meaning I will swim in one of their sewage pipes.

Did it ever occur to you guys that the names of both of those teams

are very weed related?

Yeah.

The Nugs and the Blazers.

The Nugs and the Blazers.

The Chilla Series NBA history.

What?

What were you saying don't?

You gave me a look

like you're going to have to do it.

And guess what?

I will.

I'll swim in one of those lakes where all the sewage goes to. What are those things called? Reservoir.
No, that's where you can't shit. Okay.
But I have. City Hall.
City Hall. Okay, I will eat City Hall.
All the politicians. Yeah, all the politicians.
Hank, let me ask you this question. When it comes to your Boston Celtics, if there were a knife, a gun, and a grenade on your desk, which one would you reach for first to terminate your life? Probably a grenade.
Yeah? A grenade. You just jump on it? Go out with a bang.
Yeah? Would you be screwing? I don't blame Kyrie. Right before you blow up? You would let it sit on the table and take a grenade to your face? I don't know.
Okay. Okay, that's one way to do it, I guess.
All right, so where are you at? I mean, this is a classic case of a team that we talked about on Monday. They were trying to flip the switch all year, and they couldn't.
It seemed like they flipped the switch in game one, which was the biggest cock tease of all time. Right, but as is very is very often in sports the team that you are all year which was talented but ultimately very inconsistent is exactly what they are in the playoffs yeah I mean obviously they had shit all year I was still thinking that everything you said in the beginning all the stars I thought that was gonna be Kyrie he was gonna come out take over flip the switch do what he had to do to win and it seemed like they were to do that.
Like the game was set up for them to win that game, but no one hit shots. When they got down, they just like acted like they were beat.
They gave up. It seems like there's no fight.
It seems like Kyrie's gone. No one cares.
Marcus Smart got clowned on by Giannis. Yeah.
I mean, that was funny. That was funny.
Yeah. Giannis, it's one of those.
They're the best defensive team in the league. And Giannis is the MVP..
That's the thing. I think it's because the Celtics have so much star power and because they were in Game 7 at Eastern Conference Final last year without Gordon Hayward and Kyrie Irving that everyone was like, well, they're the best team in the East.
But you forgot the Bucs won 60 games and Giannis isn't. Giannis is unguardable.
He really is. Everything he does, and then when all his guys start hitting threes,

what are you supposed to do to that? I mean, that's the key.

He's going to get to the

hole no matter what, and then when he kicks it out,

are you able to make a three? Right.

And they have been really, really good

at that. There was still ultimately no fight, though.

That's where it was disappointing. All three of the last

games, the third and fourth quarter, where it was close,

they just gave up the lead.

There was literally no fight, no second unit. Okay, so let's do a blame game throw the let's do let's do the blame game rank these guys that you put the blame on one Kyrie Irving shooting like 25 from three he said he credit to Kyrie Irving he did say you will not see another eight out of 22 from me and then he went seven for 22 22.
So he's not a liar. Facts.
Not a liar. Two, Gordon Hayward basically just not being the Gordon Hayward that was in Utah.
I mean. Three, Jason Tatum regressing because Kobe got in his ear.
Four, Brad Stevens, who's 24 and 25, is a coach in the playoffs. Kyrie, one.
Okay. Far and away.
Yeah. He's supposed to be the leader.
He's the guy. I do think Kyrie, like, he, he, like, kind of fucked himself here because he, the whole way he left Cleveland, he's like, I want to be the guy.
Like, you're going to get judged as the guy. And guess what? There's probably only five or six guys in the NBA.
Like, I'm talking best guy on a championship team. And Kyrie is not, he's right below it, but he's not one of those guys.
He's not a Giannis. He's not a Kawhi.
He's not, you know, a KD, a LeBron. Real quick save.
Wait, real quick save. If he had hit those shots and he was putting up, like, 30, 40 a game in these playoffs, he would be the same as Dane Lillard.
I just want to point out real quick. I know, but you're saying, like, to matter of fact, it's like that all has come out in the last, seven games.
But this was his prove it. Yeah, this was his prove it postseason.
I pulled some sabermetrics. He was seven for 22.
You know what that is? That's pi. It's 3.14.
Damn. I don't know what that means, but I think it's very notable.
And it's probably going to impact the series in some way moving forward. And then after the game.
You mean the Celtics might lose? They might. Yeah, they might lose.
I don't know what it's going to be, but I'm just saying all you numerology buffs out there, keep your antennas up. And then after the game, he was asked about his performance and he said, who cares? Who cares? Who cares that his shooting wasn't good? Mike Francesco.
Who cares? Who cares? Do you think that his choice of words was bad or do you think the attitude is bad? Well, that quote was kind of taken out of context. I agree with that.
I mean, he's gone. He's out.
You can tell he's gone. It doesn't seem like he's going to come back.
It's kind of like Kawhi. If they win this series, there's a chance he's going to come back to Toronto.
I thought if Kyrie made it to the Eastern Conference Finals or finals, maybe he would come back. But I just don't see it happening, not with the way they're playing.
The thing with Kyrie, and I do think – And who knows? They might make a miraculous comeback, but face off the way they just quit the last three games basically. The who cares quote was definitely one of those ones I saw on Twitter, and I was like, I feel like this has a little more context.
And he did do – basically what his point was, who cares? I'm going to keep shooting because that's what you have to do. Exactly.
He's Australian's Australian. He lives by the no rules, just right lifestyle.
Right. He's going to keep pulling that trigger.
He's saying, what if the troops at Normandy had stopped shooting? Right. We'd all be speaking Greek right now because Giannis would dominate us.
What if they had stretched beforehand? Bob Wiley. Yeah, that would be a disaster.
Would have been if they were just doing yoga for 30 minutes? That was definitely one of those moments where you saw the headline. Who cares? Yeah, you're like, wait.
you went eight for 22 then you said you were going to fix it then you went seven for 22 what does that mean for he's like who cares you just keep shooting right but so back to Kyrie like I don't I Kyrie's obviously an unbelievable player it's just the problem is what he wanted and what he like like basically the way he all year, like wait till the playoffs, wait till the playoffs, wait till I go off. People are going to grade him on a curve.
And that curve is you got to be the best player in the series. And obviously he's not better than Giannis.
So it's like, what are you going to do? He's like maybe the seventh, eighth best player in the NBA, but the top five guys are the guys that you need to win to be the alphas on a championship team. So, I don't know.
What's wild is if they win the next game, then they're back. They're very back.
Hank will be so back. This was fucking Boston.
Hank will be so back. This was fucking...
Hank, if you go to game six in Boston, you will not be back? No. Game seven.
Need game seven. No, you're gonna be excited.
I'm not kidding. It was the way the game ended yesterday like they literally there was no sometimes like even teams that Celtics teams in the past a team that went to the Eastern Conference finals last year like they would have comebacks they would show fight they would have these like big fourth quarter turnarounds that game yesterday was like they got down there it's like all right pack it up yeah yeah which is exactly what I would do if I were a player you know what like let's just go on what fucking sucks about boston sports is that hank was so so upset because the celtics lost a non-elimination game and then he changed the channel to watch the bruins close out a playoff series so yes so hank had like five minutes of of normal sports fandom feeling and emotion inside his body, which was, oh man,

this sucks. I'm so disappointed.
Oh wait,

yep, we're going to get on the parade.

I saw somebody, I forget who it was, but

somebody online was pissed off that

Boston has the opportunity

to have four championship

parades in a season, and the Celtics

are taking that from them.

The Celtics are taking

that possible. I said it too.

The Boston sweep deserved to go out with some fight. And it did not.
It did not. Well, who knows? If they win on Wednesday night, you are definitely going to be back, and I know you're going to be back.
I have a Jokic take real quick. Okay.
They just showed him, by the way. Yeah, they just showed him on TV.
You want to say that's that? No, I was going to say that he is not served well by high definition. No.
He is a low-def guy. Like, you can't see.
He doesn't have any definition in his muscles. And so when you have high definition on his no definition, it's striking just how pasty and kind of like flabby is.
But he's a really good basketball player. Well, and that's kind of why I love him because he's like the people's champ.
He looks like he looks, he looks like a guy who like will come out for like a Saturday morning run.

Yeah.

He looks like a guy. He's seven fun on pros versus Joe's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That just dominates everybody.

So yeah,

the stat was most triple doubles in first playoff appearance.

Magic Johnson,

five,

Jokic for LeBron James,

two.

That's pretty insane.

Jokic's Twitter account sucks though. So magic's got him on that.
got him on that. Oh, yeah.
Magic had a fire tweet the other night that was talking about this series. So let's kick it over to our senior tampering correspondent, Magic Johnson.
Magic Johnson. Analysis.
Magic Johnson, who quit his job so that he could tweet us all these gems from the NBA playoffs. We'd be doing him a disservice if we didn't amplify his voice.
Magic Johnson said, James Harden's 38 points tonight had the Warriors players on ice skates. He led his Rockets to an even series 2-2.
Fact. So if you missed, this is our daily segment of if you missed the playoffs, Magic Johnson's got you.
This is one of my favorite things that Magic Johnson does, by the way when he uh does lists that just go on forever uh-huh so he did kevin durant versus james harden reminds me of some legendary player matchups like michael versus isaiah michael versus clyde michael versus reggie kobe versus alan iverson shack versus tim duncan i can't forget matchups like larry versus dr j larry versus dominique Wilkins, Larry versus Charles Barkley, Charles versus Karl Malone,

Hakeem versus Shaq, Hakeem versus David Robinson.

Classics.

So he just lists like every playoff that has happened in the last 40 years.

Magic Johnson is just such a pure Twitter account.

When he does his game recaps, it's indistinguishable from this update

I just got sent from Twitter.

That's the news for you notification.

It says Raptors demolished the Sixers to take 3-2 lead in Eastern Conference semifinals. from this update I just got sent from Twitter.
That's the news for you notification. Yes.

It says Raptors demolished the Sixers to take 3-2 lead

in Eastern Conference semifinals.

That right there might as well be a Magic Johnson tweet.

Same exact tweet.

So we have, by the way, a little update.

Four minutes left in Game 7.

Still 1-1.

Whoa, shots on goal.

Oh, I don't even see what that said.

All right, so back to us trying to do a show where we have TV.

We're going to have to fix this.

Yes, it's not sustainable.

I don't know what we're going to do.

But remember when we were like, oh, man, it's going to be so sweet in the fall.

We can watch games while we do the podcast.

I just like the idea of having a functioning TV.

Right, in front of our faces at all times.

Yes.

So we can never miss anything.

Want to do Hot Seat Cool Throne? Let's do it. Hank, why don't you start? Sure.
My hot seat is the Browns. Okay.
Go on. I feel like they've been the darling of the NFL ever since the end of last year.
Tide hasn't really turned, but then Odell Beckham, he had an interview, and he said Baker Mayfield, I would say he's next, but I feel like he's now. He's Brett Favre.
He's going to be a Hall of Famer, which fair call.

I'm going to wait for Scott Van Pelt to tell me who's now.

Yes, please.

Of every state.

And then he said he wants to turn the Browns into a championship dynasty level team.

I plan on being here for five years and bringing as many championships as possible,

turning the Browns into the new Patriots.

Okay.

So Jimmy Haslam is going to start getting jerked off in shady salons? I mean, he did just bring up a good point. Maybe he had a Pilot J.
I mean, if you think that a guy that owns 90 truck stops hasn't taken a few hand jobs this day, you are very naive, my friend. We don't kink shame.
Some concrete blondes? Oh, speaking of kink shaming, we don't kink shame on the new Barstool Gold podcast that we're dropping When? That's coming out on Thursday We interview a dominatrix Goddess of Viva I agree with you Hank though The Browns are quickly like They're darlings Everyone's excited to watch When you start predicting a dynasty when you're the Browns I don't know if he's predicting a dynasty as much as he's saying,

I would like to be a part of the dynasty.

Turning the Browns into the new Patriots.

Yeah, so he's not predicting.

That's what his goal is.

And trust me, Hank, I agree with you that all signs are pointing towards heartbreak

in this situation because, yeah, the Browns are on a nice little upswing

and they've acquired some awesome pieces.

In my opinion, they definitely have the most talent inside their entire division,

if not one of the top two or three in the AFC.

And I hope that they do really well.

But I've been watching the NFL for long enough to know that when you're certain

of something being good, that's when it's going to be bad.

Yes.

By the way, Nuggets up 2-0.

That game's over.

Game, set, match.

Let's go, Rado.

Good job, Nuggets. What is your cool throw? My cool throw, with that being said, is shorts.
Ooh. Okay.
I'm in. Odell Beckham showed up to the Met Gala wearing a dress.
So I feel like that just with what I said earlier. Was it a kilt? Was it a Roddy Roddy? No.
I think he just cut. I think Odell Beckham was inside the cab.
He probably takes an Uber. Uber share.
Uber pool. Uber pool.
By the way, do you want to say your idea that's like the meanest thing ever for our next bet? Yeah, for our next bet, I think the loser should have to take Uber pool instead of Uber for a month. Oh, I used to take Uber pool home sometimes.
Really? Just adventure. Those poor customers.
Was that the only way you'd be able to get an Uber because your rating's so low? Well, lift, lift, lift share. Oh, okay.
Got it. Yeah, that's...
Great great idea, but I think it'd be so mean. I think Odell was probably on the way to the Met Gala and somebody told him, Hey, the theme this year is camp.
And he was just already, he's just dressed in a tuxedo. He's like, what's camp? And he Googled it and he was like, shit, you just cut off the sleeves and the legs.
And that's me. It's like, it's like a last minute science fair project that you do the night before it's due.
So what is the Met Gala? Besides really – like is it – I feel like it's just basically a meeting of everyone in the Illuminati. Did they do it in public? So they're like, we're not in the Illuminati.
Look, would the Illuminati all get together? It's like one of those – it's a charity thing and it's like 250 grand for a table. What? Type thing.

So it's like, you know, charity,

but then only the richest people can go.

So it just turns into a... And Katy Perry wore a hamburger suit.

Uh-huh.

And dressed as a chandelier.

And Cardi B dressed as a period.

Oh, really?

She dressed as her Aunt Flo.

Oh, okay.

From Progressive?

Celebrating the Blood Festival.

Got it.

Yes, that was nice.

I think it was my guy BroPair on Twitter said, the Met Gala looks like an event that Bane would attack. Yes, should attack.
Yeah. I mean, it absolutely.
So I still, every year it just pops up and I'm just like, what is going on here? And so it's the Met, formerly called the Costume Institute Gala, CIG, the SIG. Why don't they go with that? I think Mets sounds more prestigious.
Yeah. Well, the New York Mets.
Yeah. So maybe not.
Yeah. So I guess they just raise a bunch of money.
It is weird, though, seeing all these people who are like it. It's like these people don't care about the museum of art.
Right. Well, they do.
And the fact they could write a check to you and just be like, here you go. Take this check.
Yeah. As far as I know, it's just like a row of steps that people walk up and get photographed on.
Yeah. It's like Jason Derulo.
Yeah. Jason Derulo did fall down.
It's the New York version of the Rocky steps. Yeah.
And it's also it's like it's the level of fame that is just above. Like if you are someone who maybe like had a hit movie this last year and you're like, I'm really fucking killing it.
If you're not at the Met Gala, you know that like, oh, yep, there's another stratosphere that I'm not even close to. Yeah.
So, Hank, but thank you for raising awareness of shorts being back on. Are they on the hot seat or the cool throne? Cool throne.
Okay. Thank you.
Yeah. It's short season.
I'm wearing them right now. Good job.
It's now seven nothing nuggets. This game is over.
See you. All right.
BFT, you want to do your hot seat, cool throne cool talk okay thank you yeah it's short season i'm wearing them right now good job it's now seven nothing nuggets this game is over see you all right bft you want to do your hot seat yeah my hot seat is moods yeah just having moods because burger king has announced a new line of meals saying hey sometimes you're not always happy so we're going to do things that'll make you happy if you're not. And we're having real meals, not just happy meals, including the pissed meal, the blue

meal, the salty meal, which is that's just like every fast food meal.

Yes.

The Yas meal.

Y-A-A-A-S meal.

Yeah.

Okay.

The DGAF meal.

That's don't give a fuck.

Hank, bleep that out.

Burger King said that? Yeah, as part of Mental Health Awareness Month in May. So they have all sorts of meals depending on what your mood is.
Wait, is that don't give a fuck? It doesn't feel like that jives with mental health awareness. Yes, but it does jive with putting Burger King inside your body.
Got it. Yeah, that's true.
That's true. That's a good point.
So which one's your meal the horny meal the horny meal it's just it's actually just an arby's sandwich and an eggplant and you just put your dick right inside of it no you just put them together oh nice and you watch oh shit i thought you ate the eggplant while you put your dick in the arby's melt you can do whatever you want with the eggplant yeah no kink shaming here no kink shaming all right you got any? Yeah. My other hot seat is pussies who drink beer.
Yeah. Saw this.
Because former Netflix creative director Mike Cesario announced he raised $1.6 million for his startup called Liquid Death. What is Liquid Death, you might ask? It's a straight edge theme canned water startup.
Yes. So it's a bunch of tall boys that look like beer but it's just hardcore water called liquid death it's finally water for guys who aren't pussies did you see the commercial no i didn't oh my god so the commercial so actually this was my cool throne um because i was gonna go uh cool throne what was i gonna say for cool maybe it was my hot seat but either way way the commercial is a woman she cracks open the beer it's actually water and she's just pouring it out and she starts talking she says hi I'm a professional actor and I'm getting paid to tell you about a revolutionary new product for years a bunch of marketing fuck boys have tricked you into thinking that water is just some girly drink for yoga moms i don't know who did that yeah who has ever tricked a lot of people okay only pussies drink water and then goes on and on and on and uh energy uh she's like every year water is responsible for thousands and thousands of deaths that's actually true hurricanes monsoons yeah drowning drowning all that stuff energy drinks only kill like what one or two kids so please don't fall for the marketing bullshit water is not yoga water is liquid death and then it pans out and she's waterboarding a guy i feel like we're getting punked i feel like this is yeah this is a late april fools joke that they like they didn't have the money to get out on time but now they're just going to be like guess what the new april fools is may whatever date it is in may however we might be getting punked but i watched the commercial i read up about this liquid death drink that's just water i'm all in because i saw the like dasani and the aquafina and the poland springs bottles i was like i ain't drinking that pushy shit i want the boy of water.
Liquid death. Yeah, Russell Wilson made water that'll help you heal a concussion.
This is water that's going to kick your little pussy bitch ass. I mean, I'm in.
If we can get some liquid death. Yeah.
Someone send us liquid death. Water for people who aren't pussies.
It's called vodka. Liquid death.
It's probably so expensive, too. It sounds awesome, though.
Yeah, it does. Just give me a six-pack of Liquid Death.
My cool throne... It's water.
My cool throne... Sounds like something we would have made up really high.
...is also beer. Okay.
So Hank pointed this my direction. Thank you, Hank, for the heads-up.
You're my little newshound. Oh, boop, boop.
The Rugby World Cup is advising vendors in Japan that bars and restaurants might run out of beer during the tournament so they better stock up and buy a shitload of it. When is this tournament? This is a different rugby tournament.
It's a different game. Strap in, guys.
All right. Let's go.
Okay. We're going to do a little explain it to you guys.
This is the game of Rugby 15s. Be here a while.
Rugby 15s, which is the full-sided game. Rugby 7s is the one that we're currently number one in the world in.
Wait, so we've been playing half court? You've been talking about flag football? No. You've been talking about the big three? No, in fact.
Half court rugby? You might say that the athletes in 7s are more athletic than the guys that play 15s. But they're only playing with seven of them.
No, it's just two different types of the sport. If the NFL came out with football for fives, would you be like, this is awesome? They do seven on seven.
Right. And it's not football.
I'll put it this way. Everyone says like Eli Manning, sweet.
Matthew Stafford is awesome in seven on seven. They're both beautiful games in different ways.
Okay. So the World Cup is this summer in 15s, but in the Olympics, they only do sevens.
Wait. So sevens is the Olympic sport.
Hold on. Hold on.
So 15s, do they play multiple tournaments or just one? No, just one because it's 80 minutes. Oh, and then do we finish fourth in that? No, we're not very good in 15s.
That would imply that we're good in sevens. We're very good in sevens.
Even though we've never won. No, we did win.
We've never won the full sevens. Yes, we will.
Not the entire season of it. Listen, you take what you can get when you're an American rugby fan, and we're very good right now.
This is the golden age of American rugby? If we make it to Paris and we have a chance to win, I might go to Paris. Okay.
When is that? Gay Paris. I think it's late June, mid-June.
When is the 15th? That's July and August in Japan. I have no interest.
So do the 7s and the 15s also? Do seven guys play in the 15s? Some do. Okay.
Some are on the national team, yeah. And which one pays better? Well, like worldwide? Yeah.
15s. That's where like the major leagues but the sevens are not no listen so the guy is this your first time watching sports because the because the sport that you care the most about the the sport that you care the most about as a fan is the one that you're best at ipso facto i care way more about sevens right than i do 15s right now.
Got it. But the sport that pays the most usually is the top league.
And you just said the 15s pay the most, but the sevens is the top league. Well, if all you care about is money.
Yeah. But a lot of people think that sevens pays more in respect from your competitors.
Got it. That's all you need.
That was great rugby. I had another cool throne, but I'm not going to do it.
Why? Because you're just going to... No.
You're just'm not. I didn't insult you.
I asked questions. You're going to drag my enthusiasm through the mud.
I want to learn about rugby, and you are a great teacher. I've learned a lot.
I didn't even know. There's no other numbers, right? Yeah.
Oh, that's a good question, Hank. If there's another number, you're fucked.
There are like five 10s tournaments that take place each summer. But those aren't real.
It's not a real sport. Okay.
That would have been too much. But, yes, I didn't even know 15s existed until you just brought that up.
So I feel like I'm walking out of this studio with more rugby knowledge than I walked in. There you go.
You would like watching sevens more than you'd like watching 15s. Faster game.
You would like playing 15s more because there are a lot of fat guys that don't do shit't do shit i listen i assumed that uh so what's your other cool that's it come on i'm done pft please no maybe i'll maybe i'll double up next week i don't have a cool throne okay can you do big cats cool throne is one day contracts okay because it's one day contract season where they're bringing back a lot of players who are retiring that you thought might have been retired for the last several years in the NFL to sign with the teams that they got famous playing with and then uh and then they just you know they're done after one day like Jamal Charles I think Chris Johnson I think did one Jamal Charles now that I think about it the Chiefs with all the problems they've had should just do one day contracts with everybody yes they should just show up and have everyone be one day yeah a couple of bad apples ruined it for everybody on the chiefs i want to see someone show up for a one-day contract and like really milk it because you know they just go they sign it they take a picture they do a press conference and it's in it's over like what if someone shows up and like this is my one-day contract they lift they get in the tub they get all the treatment. They get the electric stim treatment on their back.

They sit in meetings.

They use the cafeteria.

I want to see someone just milk the fuck out of their one-day contract.

Jamal Charles got a rep in.

He did?

They gave him a handoff for his.

The best part about one-day contracts, in my opinion, is that you get to see all their highlight reels again.

It's like, hey, you remember how awesome Chris Johnson was that one year that he won me my fantasy football league? Yes. Jamal Charles was so fucking awesome.
Really, really fast. So, so fast.
All right. So that was my cool throne.
One day contracts. Thank you, PFT.
That was good. Yeah.
Notice how I didn't insult it? I didn't insult the rugby's. I asked questions.
You took questions as insulting. I didn't insult the rugby's.
The rugby community. I'm not insulting your grammar.
I asked questions. You answered them, and they got more hilarious as we got down the rabbit hole.
All right. I'm happy to do a deep dive on this anytime you'd like.
My hot seat is Max Kellerman. Did you see what Max Kellerman did yesterday or Tuesday? Yes.
Today. Yesterday.
He had two takes that were so, so hot that I think he has gone too far.

Like, even Skip can do a good job of giving a little kernel of truth.

He started with Kawhi is better than Kobe, which Stephen A. Smith, like, he looked like he was –

he actually – Stephen A. Smith was like, listen, like, I'm going to be nice to you.

I'm not going to say anything mean, but you're, like, the dumbest person I've ever talked to yeah and he misses Skip so much misses Skip so much and then he also said Larry Fitzgerald might make the Hall of Fame yeah number two all-time in reception yards well you never know because Larry might come out tomorrow and just say something like all sports writers are fat slobs Springsteen sucks. Yes.
And then nobody will vote for him. There's never been more of a lock for Hall of Fame than Larry Fitzgerald.
His father was a sportswriter. He loves sportswriters.
He's really, really good. Did you know he was a ball boy for the Vikings? He was a ball boy for the Vikings.
There's videos of him being a ball boy for the Vikings. He will be 100 first vote.
Also his, his career is even more impressive when you consider the quarterbacks that he's played with 11 pro bowls for 19 different quarterbacks. Yeah.
That's insane. It is.
It is nuts. That's insane.
So yeah, he's definitely, you know what I was thinking? We were talking about this before the show. But now that I'm a minister and you should become a minister as well, I want to start marrying people without their consent I am declaring on part of my take that Stephen A.
Smith and Skip Bayless are married and do Max Kellerman in like a toad dearly beloved we're gathered here today to witness the marriage of two reptiles Max Kellerman and a toad I now pronounce you man and amphibian. Shout out to Max Kellerman.
I'm not telling you which is which. For just trying.
He's trying. He's not doing a good job.
I think this is all just to hide the fact that he farted on TV a couple weeks ago. So he's just coming out with crazy.
Or maybe he's just being a good buddy. And Stephen A.
Smith has been getting dragged recently. So he's like, I'm going to take the heat off him.
True. That's a good point.
That's a good point. He probably is doing that.

But yeah, the Max Kellerman takes are in fuego right now. He's in the zone.

He's like NBA Jam. His shoes are on fire.
So he's just dunking the ball.

Should we get to Theo Vaughn? Let's do Theo Vaughn.

Our interview with Theo Vaughn is coming up here in a second.

Before we do that... Oh, blues.
Oh,al blues. Oh, no, that was a highlight.
That was a highlight. Highlight.
Yeah, they're going to overtime, by the way. That's breaking news we forgot to break.
They're going to overtime. So watch the rest of the game with us in the segment portion of the show.
There's making a sandwich, and then there's crafting a sandwich. And when I want something perfectly crafted, I go straight to Boar's Head.
For over a century, Boar's Head has been dedicated to crafting premium deli favorites. Every ingredient is carefully chosen, every recipe made with a purpose.
Their oven gold turkey, smoked master ham, and ever roast chicken are made from premium whole cuts, hand trimmed, and seasoned. Last weekend, I made the ultimate sandwich, oven gold, turkey, cheese, pickles and mustard.
Simple, but unbelievable. So next time you're at the deli, don't settle, get the best.
Boar's Head committed to craft since 1905. Discover the craftsmanship behind every bite at boarshead.com.
Ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working? Nah, neither has Ariat. Ariat work jackets and boots are packed with all the cold stopping waterproof protection you need to get the job done under any conditions so you can take any job out there and always deliver.
Check out Ariat in your local workwear retailer or visit ariat.com slash work to get 10% off your first order when you sign up for email and whether whatever in ariott work year okay here he is comedian theo vaughn all right we're bringing on theo vaughn rising comedian right are you are you still rising i mean i think we're all rising you know yeah i mean it depends on how high you want to get would you say rising star um i don't know i don't know about that i just let's just say comedian okay because we were just having a conversation i wanted i rushed into it because we have to keep going with the conversation we're having uh we were talking about bitcoin the great like uh barstool bamboozle of 2000 was it 17 18 the bitcoin craze yeah we Bitcoin craze. Yeah.
We hired a guy who whipped everyone up. What was his name? Bitcoin Marty.
Bitcoin Marty. I heard about the guy.
Let's put him on blast. He's a legend.
I bought Bitcoin at, I think, I bought two Bitcoins at $11,000 each, and they dropped almost instantly. Yeah.
So I'm the biggest mush when it comes to the Bitcoin market. Do you own cryptocurrency? Yep.
I lost probably. I think like every basic white dude, I lost about $3,200 in Bitcoin.
You still own it? Yeah, I think I still own it. I can't even get the damn wallet open.
That's the other thing. There's the wallets that can be hacked into.
And then that dude, what was it? The Japanese Bitcoin wallet guy. He just left.
He just disappeared. He died.
He kidnapped himself. Faked his own death, I think.
Yeah. One guy evaporated, I think, evaporated i think or something he disappeared yeah that's what happens when you get to a level where you can kidnap yourself like where you're at the i need to kidnap myself that's got to be a thrilling moment oh wow you know what i mean yeah it's past the kill your wife level right right it's kill your kill your like co-worker kill your wife then it's like shit i gotta kidnap myself and just disappear yeah the poor man's kill uh kidnap yourself is to push your wife off the cruise ship right right right you're right maybe a subway bump yeah when you yeah yeah when you go next level and get that that japanese that uh you know that ninja for hire two ninjas showed up you know while you were at like just hanging out of the park when you start sending like pieces of your limbs to people that's when you know you've really made it yeah like i gotta prove that i'm kidnapped so i'll make a self-ransom video and send them my pinky oh i could see that though dude especially as we get a little bit more automated i could see somebody looking at their hands and be like oh hell yeah i could get rid of three of these i mean i i bet uh last year i've i'm a degenerate gambler and oh wow okay i've long like i know you know if you're a degenerate gambler.
Oh, wow, okay. I know if you're a degenerate gambler, you know that it just keeps going up.
Like $5 20 years ago is no longer a $5 bet. So I finally reached the apex where I bet the tip of my pinky that the Houston Texans wouldn't win the Super Bowl.
And once you make that bet, eventually I will lose my pinky. Wouldn't ever win it? This last year, they wouldn't win it.
Okay. Do we specify that? No, it was this last year.
We'll have to go back and check the tape. But either way, I'm going to bet it again because once you get that – like it was a real thrilling few months.
You know what I mean? Oh, I bet, man. How much did you wager? Basically like the top knuckle up.
Oh, my God, bro. Right, right above the top knuckle.
So just a nice nub. When you think about it, what do you use that nail for anyway? Right.
The pinky nail. Cocaine.
Maybe cocaine. Maybe cocaine.
Maybe to help you if you have like an 18-ounce, what is those 18-ounce can drinks to compliment the weight on the other. Yeah, keep it underneath.
Yeah, just to hold it a little bit better if you get a little loose in there i think you don't realize that things get then you're just that's yeah that's like a doctor's answer they'll be like you don't realize but the 99 of your grip strength comes from the tip of your pinky yeah bullshit well if you play guitar a doctor that drinks michelob ultra too about an 18 ounce beer rollerblades with it too yeah yeah Yeah. Remember those Michelob Ultra where they're just rollerblading? They're like, yeah, you can drink and exercise.
It actually makes you more healthy. It's basically a protein shake that you drink.
All right, so we do have Theo Vaughn in studio. That was a terrible intro by me.
It's okay. I don't need it.
And we started the convo. Thank you for coming in.
Thank you guys for having me, man. Thank you guys.
Congratulations on all your success. Oh, thanks.
You usually list people, list the success. Okay.
Congratulations on, you know, the things you guys do for others. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. No, we do a lot of that.
The gambling outreach. Uh-huh.
Getting people addicted to gambling.

Yeah, pretty much.

People first.

That's a lot.

Yeah, I mean, putting half of America probably in me undies and CBD.

Yeah, that's right.

You got that.

We sold a bunch of people Harambe shirts that they probably stopped wearing after a week.

Yes, yes.

Well, now it's racially profiling to wear a Harambe shirt.

Listen, cancel culture comes for everyone.

Yeah. Oh, it's coming fast, dude.
Yeah. Are you worried about that ever, being in comedy? I don't know, man.
I think I'm on the other side of the thing where I don't get – like, I think the other side of the coin is – the other side of the teeter-totter is building so much faster that if you're milling around still on that janky side over there where it's just like – then I think you're on the losing side of the spectrum. Yeah.
Most people just want to have fun and they're not going to let somebody in media tell them what is funny or what isn't anymore. It is going to swing back and it's like people who are...
Oh, it's swinging back like Ned fucking Stark right now. Right, right.
And they're like people who just want to have fun and have people, you know, make people laugh and not take themselves too seriously are going to end up winning winning and that's most people and i think that's one of the reasons why like a lot of different networks and different people are having an opportunity i think hollywood just didn't see like they thought that they just like narrowed everybody's mind and cornered them and owned them so much and corporations that they had just owned them so much that they could do whatever they want with them and then yeah, yeah, whenever elections were happening, it seemed like – I'm getting deep, I guess. No, go for it.
It seemed like they were – whenever celebrities started telling me who I could vote for, how I could behave or what my views were, dude, that's when I decided I don't want to be a celebrity. I don't want to be whatever that is.
I don't ever want to judge somebody for what they think their political choices are choices are whatever i don't know their life you know so that but that's when a huge possibility yeah when people are like oh well these people they just want my money they don't really want to entertain me they want to tell me how to be entertained right i also think celebrities they reach this point where they're super comfortable with everything kind of like you see with a bunch of billionaires like jack from twitter and uh mark zuckerberg i think man jack Jack in the Box, dude. That guy's always got money, bro.
That guy's got money, yeah. He's got a big old head.
And his son is like half his son, half not. But when you get to a place where you're super comfortable with everything in your life, then you start making all these weird decisions for yourself and you try to enforce them on other people too.
Because you're bored. You don't have anything that makes you uncomfortable.
So you have to go find weird shit to do that's totally outside the realm of what everyday people experience and a lot of celebrities get to that point like george clooney once he made you know a billion dollars on tequila or whatever yeah all of a sudden he has all the answers for everybody and he's got this disproportionate voice so i agree with you i think that there you know a lot of people are out of touch yeah it gets out and it gets dangerous, man. I think that kind of stuff is getting overplayed, too.
I think celebrity and greed, I think a lot of that stuff is going to start to go out of style. Greedy is just so dirty.
It's just like at a certain point, if you have everything, that means somebody else has to not have something. Yeah, I never understood that this might be just one of those things because people get really, really rich, and at some point they were like us who were not really, really rich because I sit here and I'm like, man, if I had $10 million, I wouldn't give a fuck.
I would stop trying to attain insane amount of wealth. You know what I mean? There's definitely a point you'd think, but then how did someone get a billion dollars? They just kept on going, and they just wanted more money.
That's crazy, really. You think it'd have to be kind of i mean i just i don't know it's interesting to think yeah if when does like greed step in when do your voice start to change but it's kind of like the bets i was talking about like i say sit here and i'm like 10 million dollars you'd still be making pinky bets yeah and then if i put it just for the rush if i made 10 million dollars tomorrow yeah i'd probably be like you know what's cooler 20 million dollars yeah you're like if one of these bitches that i don't know up here in the uh in the in the in the infirmary or infant ward you know rolls twins out of her vagina today i'm making 11k you know you're betting on crazy shit you're betting on a random floor full of women who are dilating that one of them's gonna fucking roll triplets i actually i haven't said this out loud but i sold it to pft I'm having a kid in June.
Oh, wow, man. That's crazy, dude.
One of my close friends is also having a kid in the fall. And we just were together last weekend, and we bet $10,000 at 18.
We're going to get them in front of an independent panel and see which kid turned out better. I like that.
$10,000 cash. Oh, praise God, dude.
I'd lobby for that. That's right like because it's like you know it's kind of competitive friendship how we're not gonna tell the kids the trick is how do you find the the panelists though how do you make sure they're independent because you know that you guys are going to try to bribe them you're going to try to get to them somewhere jesus christ it's got to be your own panel why would you even why have the whole thing you're then gonna bribe the people and try to get to them? Yeah.
I'm confident. Because you don't want your kid to lose.
I mean, that's almost a bigger kick in the ass than you losing. That's true.
But kind of if your kid loses, he's going to realize that he ain't all of that. And that's got to be kind of rewarding as a father.
Right. I haven't really thought about the psychological effects to the kid.
But I feel like $10,000, what we've got to do is put it in escrow. it make some money right now yeah that's a good point dude um yeah this would be a good time for a robin hood at plug you guys use robin hood no we don't oh damn never mind if you want to read some of your ads that actually would be great you should start doing that because you have a podcast called this past weekend yeah if you just went on other podcasts you're like hey can i just do a couple my ads real quick my guess is you probably have a lot of listeners that don't listen to us that are new so if you want to take this time on our show to plug our show to your listeners that are that are crossovers you can go ahead and do that look i'll say this people that are coming here from this past weekend and king and the sting these guys seem like nice guys i came up in here in this building before it kind of has like kind of a um what's that called when the lady keeps the girl and makes her be a pageant girl in the house and tells her she has Down syndrome but she doesn't.
Cinderella. What's he doing Gilbert Grape? The act.
The act, yeah. Oh.
So yeah, it has like, I don't know what I'm talking about but it has, but they seem like nice guys. Thank you.
Yeah. This is the last actual, this is the last interview we're doing in person in this studio.
Really? You guys are moving to a studio? Yeah. Wow.
You're shutting the place down. Once the Ovan does it, it's like, get him out.
Burn the walls. We don't need this place anymore.
Bring it down, bro. We got to talk about some Louisiana.
Oh, yeah. Let's talk about it.
So we're big LSU fans. Oh, wow.
We love. We went down to Baton Rouge for the Bama LSU game.
Didn't get a cheer once. They got the shit kicked out of them.
No, we cheered a lot during pregame. Before the game, the environment was like nothing that I've ever seen.
The tailgate situation was just insane. Friendliest people in the world.
Huge Coach O guys. We had him on the show.
Fucking love Coach O. You had Coach O's, Ron? Oh, yeah.
We love Coach O. Best accent of all time.
What is it about Louisiana? like's something about Louisiana that just is, it's like this mystic, alluring quality to it that I can't really put my finger on. And you're from there, so can you explain it maybe? Yeah, I mean, I think, look, dude, a lot of legend lives down there.
It's like a lot of places, it's more, it's like the rumor belt. People still don't trust electricity technology that much thing you know you're not going to find a lot of you know you're still people running on 3g down there you get outside of the city limits you know i'm saying 3g that's if i like that's the point that we've reached now we're like mystics and ghosts and shit is on the same wavelength as 3g slightly inconvenient self tall tale of 3g, he can barely get a full JPEG, you know?

You get out of the swamp, you hear the 3G winds whistling through the trees.

You can't download a podcast over an hour down there.

Oh, you can't, bro.

It sucks.

Oh, you listen to 15 minutes and just kind of just imagine just what the last 45 would be like.

It's that kind of place.

It's kind of place.

You still have to use your imagination, you know?

Right.

And they have a lot of different textures in the land. You know, they got a lot of swamps, which are very mysterious.
you know and they have a lot of different textures in the land you know they got a lot of swamps which are very mysterious you know they have a lot of like hearsay just the kind of things that keep kind of like story and legend alive you know a lot of places they washed out all the legend so you also say that you grew up in the uh stray animal belt of america yeah i i love that saying and i just imagine you having like just raccoons and and cats and dogs. Fuck, we had a batch of lemurs come through one year, dude, and I don't know where they were from.
So they're just everywhere? Like they escaped the zoo? Yeah. I wouldn't say a zoo, but I think they escaped somebody, maybe a startup zoo.
Yeah. There are a lot of startup zoos down there.
Remember that guy in Ohio? There are a lot of sanctuaries where it's just a dude and some gators that he wrestles. Yeah.
Gator farms. Yeah.
Well, they used to have a dude. there remember that guy in ohio there are a lot of like uh sanctuaries where it's just like a dude and some gators that he wrestles yeah gator farms yeah well they used to have a dude i remember they had a gay guy who would come fight a bear during like on college campuses and they would bring him by and do you know wrestling or something in the lobbies of uh or not lobby like at a bar you'd go see him you know and it was like five dollars and the bear had all of its uh toenails pulled or whatever.
But you could go watch them, and people would watch them. It wasn't really – it was more hugging, like hard, hard hugging.
Right. Why was it a gay guy? Why did that – They said it was.
It's a bigger draw. It's a bigger draw.
Got it. Yeah.
And the toughest gay guy dude. Let me tell you this.
Louisiana got the toughest fucking gay dudes ever, man. Shout out to my boy Billy Conforto that I used to roll with, and, and he got, he passed away, but he, oh, dude, bro, he'd fuck you up, man.
You can't even imagine what he'd look like, and while you're thinking about what he looks like, he'd fuck you up, bro. Dude, and he'll sell you weed, too.
I love it. Well, I'll fucking you up.
And then he'll take your brother out for ice cream, bro. You know what I'm saying? Toughest dude ever looked like Don Flamenco, dude.
Right? 40 years old, we were busboys together. We used to busboy over by this dude's place.
The guy wasn't even a chef. Told everybody he was a chef.
Started making food at a high-end restaurant, right? And it was garbage, bro. But did people keep a job or did they fire him? Did they immediately be like...
No, we worked here for two years, dude. A lot of fucking dirty duck coming out of the fucking i mean as long as you say a thing with enough confidence people like let you go by they're like oh that must be his the louisiana flavor that's coming out it's like no the dude just doesn't know how to cook oh yeah and he had that hat i mean that's the thing about a chef's job a lot of jobs that come with a hat you you know you immediately believe the person has the degree in the years of culinary experience right Yeah, know jobs yeah oh this dude yeah he had a yeah he had a couple of cutco knives and a fucking you know a batch of rare olives and he called himself a chef dude but there was a lot of rich people would come up there because rich people don't know what the fuck they're doing dude if you put candles up you know you put candles up they'll fucking show up and pay an extra 60 right right you're the little fork i feel like.
I feel like that's, once you get to like the third little fork, you're like, oh, this must be nice. The amount of forks is what the level is.
Oh, and then there's an even smaller little thing where you're just. What am I doing with this fork? Yeah, this fork is to put like, you just don't know.
There's just like seven pieces of fucking utensils. If you have a black tablecloth, to me, I'm like, okay, this is a nice restaurant.
This is nice. As long as it's not plastic and red and white checkered, then I'm like, okay.
Right. But yeah, stray animals.
Remember they used to have more stray animals? Yeah. Like now everybody animal has ownership.
Some animals have a fucking chip in them, dude. You know what it is? Bob Barker.
He changed everything. And his wife, too, or Betty White.
Yeah. They got all the animals spayed and neutered, which is probably a good thing.
You like to see a dog walking around with balls. I like to see a dog who teaches the asshole in the neighborhood who's really boss.
You know that Mother Nature runs the battleship. You just like alphas.
Well, I just like there to be alphas because you got to even it all out, man. If you're running around with a bunch of people hopped up on fucking fish oil down here in Manhattan, the Jewish Atlanta, then you don't know what the fuck's going on.
What about if you just spayed all the dogs so you still left all the males intact so they could go around proving alphaness, but the females couldn't get pregnant? Like on birth control, that's basically what we do in the United States. Do dogs do birth control or not? We just trust women to take birth control because guys are too dumb to use it properly yeah and they're not taking it they're lying to people you think so yeah are you speaking from experience oh yeah dude i'm speaking from every guy's experience a lot of women are lying about it they say they're taking it and they're not yeah and they're using the kids to get lawsuits you know it's i don't know man we've i've opened up nine cans of worms dude and we just have one fishing i want to go back to one can of worm okay Dog balls are weird.
You don't see, man. I've opened up nine cans of worms, dude, and we just have one fishing pole.
I want to go back to one can of worm.

Dog balls are weird.

You don't see them very much off.

Like we're saying, you don't see them.

Dog balls are one of those things.

It's almost, I mean, you referenced Game of Thrones, so I assume you watch.

On the first season, I'm on episode four.

You fucker.

I was wondering, you said swinging like Ned Stark.

I was like.

Oh, he's awesome, isn't he? He's the best. You're going to love the rest of the, he Ned Stark I was like oh he's awesome isn't he he's the best you're gonna love the rest of he's awesome season 8 he's awesome he's awesome but the dragons were like lore dog balls are gonna be like that dog balls are the new dragons yeah remember dog balls you don't see them ever oh yeah you don't oh yeah dude when I was young and that's how you learned about sex watching a couple dogs fuck you know instead of birds and the bees it was just like the rabid dog in the backyard is fucking again yeah the fucking birds and the bees shots come look at this did you own any of these animals like did any of them maybe not own because you can't own it a stray animal but like they just hung out the Vaughn household you know in our neighborhood you had a lot of stray animals you go outside there's stray animals out there right they got dog in a neighborhood, you know? Somebody shot a big dog with an arrow in our neighborhood with a fucking bow and arrow one time.
What the fuck? Did it live? No, it didn't live, dude. Yeah.
How can you do that? That's a bummer. It was a French guy that moved in our area, and he shot a Rottweiler.
Remember they used to have Rottweilers? Yeah. They're still around.
So that way, the bully was always, there was checks and bulliances. The bully always had a system where he wouldn't, you know what I'm saying? The dog had a chance to come to the weak guy's rescue.
Like there was just more animals around. Like they had more stray animals.
You had dog balls everywhere. You had fucking.
An ecosystem. Yes.
You had more of an ecosystem. You know, a lot of people when they get their dogs neutered, they put fake dog balls inside the sack so the dog doesn't know.

What?

The dog knows.

That's a little too much.

The dog knows.

They're called neuticles.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I used to work at a place that I was a dog salesman.

I was a used dog salesman.

Oh, yeah.

So, like, people would bring in their strays.

On the bark market, bro.

Out on the bark market.

They'd bring in their strays, and then it was my job to, like, get all these strays and take them outside, outside like a PetSmart or outside a Petco or, you know, a grocery store in the neighborhood and set up the cages and then just try to get these dogs adopted. So I'd have a bunch of shitty dogs that had like ticks and fleas and all that stuff that we're trying to take care of.
And then I get one puppy a day. And if you had a puppy, you were good.
You were good to go. So you use that puppy and go out and you'd wave at cars with a little puppy paw and that's how you draw the customers in and they'd be like i want to adopt that puppy i'd be like no this puppy's already adopted but can i interest little rock but yeah but can i interest you in this catahoula in this uh anemic catahoula yeah and uh so i try to switch them the old bait and switch it was actually a very rewarding job yeah you want this warmer honor with a shellfish allergy over here Let me introduce you to one of my bad boys in the back.
Yeah, remember they had that show Pound Puppies back in the day? It was a bunch of dogs that were all fucking sick and dying, you know? Yeah. It's just like everything now, it just feels so safe out there.
But it's not really, so you're not getting preparation. But yeah, we lived in a straddle belt, man.
We had all kind of, what else, dude, raccoon? Did you see a bunch of raccoons out there fucking fist fighting in the morning dude you know a couple mixed boys out there fucking just beating each other up near the recycling bin you know what the internet's done to raccoons though it's made people think that raccoons are like the sweetest animals in the world yeah and they're not at all because all you see is the cutest videos like yeah raccoons are vine stars you get them off that six second loop all of a sudden they're coming at you, they're like, biting your toes and giving you rabies. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, man. Raccoons are vine stars.
You get them off that six-second loop, all of a sudden they're coming at you. They're like, bite your toes and give me your rabies.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, man.
Raccoons are really, I mean, they're burglars, man. If you look at them, they're really, they're always in the garbage.
They're kind of the homeless animal, even though all animals are technically homeless, you know, according to God, but they're the homeless animal, really. Yes.
They act homeless. Like, oh, I'm scarf you know let me have a dollar and then they'll pack you right as you get you get your hand in your pocket yeah let me do a backflip for a dollar that's a big trick down in new orleans backflip for a dollar yeah i feel like that's a good deal like for the entertainment value yeah but then some another guy comes up and fucking hits you in the back of there with a pistol and they take your watch.

Yeah, okay, good to know.

Speaking of just being down in New Orleans and all the street hustlers down there,

I feel like when I go to the French Quarter, that's one place where even though it is a tourist trap,

the locals still hang out there.

A lot of cities, you go to their tourist trap neighborhoods and it's just all people from out of town.

I feel like New Orleans still has that authenticity

where it's like people from New Orleans

still hang out in these like seedy bar type neighborhoods.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I remember when we were kids

or we would go over there and go into the,

especially around Sugar Bowl or something,

Virginia Tech had played somebody

and this was probably in like 19, maybe 1996.

And we were drunk and we went everywhere to sleep So we were trying to sleep just like in the lobby of a – I think it might have been like a – this is when Howard Johnson still had some real sweet, you know, masterpiece. That used to be a name that carried some weight.
Oh, Joe. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Big time.
A lot of parents would meet up and swap the kid to the other parent and Howard Johnson. You know? Kid trade was going to the dark kid trade.
Well, it's like it's your weekend. No, it's your weekend to have a kid.
Oh, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But anyway, it was Virginia Tech Hokies, and I remember some guy came up and he goes, what's a Hokie? And we were like drunk and just like, I don't know. We thought maybe he was a pedophile or something, but he wasn't.
You know, so we kind of like, kind of like you know just like oh this is just a regular guy you know and then uh he's like oh it's a kid to your mom's room that's what he said i remember that that's pretty good and that was the first thing i'd ever even heard about college sports was going down there and seeing about the sugar bowl and stuff yeah um but then i got a little older went to lsu for a while and uh and yet they have a real you know it's even more than a religion down there people say that a lot of time they're so religious but a lot of people's religions are really those yeah those teams yes absolutely you can feel it it's there's a there's just going the farther south you go especially with football it just feels like it and i don't want to say it means more because then people are like well we love our team too but it is it's like a religion yeah it's uh passed through the years and people just care so so much yeah they attach to it so much i don't know if it's it's definitely beautiful kind of to watch it's alarming sometimes it is it's weird when when people use like 99 of their like who they are is a team that's a little yeah that's when it gets a little alarming you're like so like what do you like yeah this yeah yeah when they have a daughter named uh dabbo you know right right yeah that's actually not a bad name right yeah that's actually a millennial name for like dabbo yeah actually swinny swinny's a good name Yeah, if you had a girl, you should never swim. That's a real millennial name for a daughter.
I like Dabo, yeah. Actually, Swinney.
Swinney's a good name for a girl. Great, yeah.
Yeah, if you had a girl, you should have a name for Swinney. That's a real good-looking girl.
You know, Juice. Who was the other guy? He said they got Juice somebody on Clemson.
Remember him? Didn't they have a guy? Juice. Juice.
Are they called him the Juice, maybe? This thing, I'm not talking about- Dexter Lawrence was on the Juice. Was he? This year.
He was on it? Yeah. He was on it.
Well, we don't know. Dabo said he wasn't and I tend to believe Dabo.
You ever tried steroids? Oh, yeah, dude. No shit.
Me and freaking shot up Billy Conforto, dude. He's on the topic today but me and him used to pull off the interstate and shoot steroids in each other's butts, man.
What did you get rid of Jack's? Oh, dude. I could fucking, for the first time in my life I could keep my hopes up, man.
I was strong. Where did you get the steroids from? We got them from this guy, Sean.
Were you competing in any sport at the time, or you just wanted to get swole? Just looking nice in math, you know? That was it, just trying to look nice in math class. And I even remember my math teacher one time, dude, and she never gave me any attention.
She always looked at all the handsome boys in our class. And I remember one day she finally said, wow, that shirt looks nice on you.
And I knew what she was fucking saying. Yeah, but doing Sean's steroids.
I knew what she was saying, dude. I knew her husband wasn't enough.
Yeah, yeah. Her husband, when she got home today, he wasn't going to be enough, you know? Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, it was fun. That's back when steroids was more everybody was doing them.
Yeah. And it was fun.
It was scary, but it was fun. Yeah.
Now it's HGH more, I think, than the steroids than the steroids oh stem cells now you'll see Joe Rogan has a little stack of fucking fresh stemmies he's eating from under a table does he have the HGH and all that stuff? I don't think he does but I wouldn't be surprised if he's got a fridge full somewhere he feels like Joe and I wanted to get to him because you're part of the Rogan mafia or whatever you to call it, but he feels like Joe Rogan has gotten to the point where I'm convinced that rich people and people of status have just different drugs than everyone else. They have science that we don't have.
He may have access to that, but yeah, people approach them first because they have the money for it. Right, and it's awesome.
He's doing stuff that will keep them alive for 200 years. Yeah.
And it's like, that's pretty sweet. Yeah, yeah.
I think he might have that access. Well, even as you get a little bit more money, you get nicer things offered to you.
Yeah. You know? I think like DMT guys were like, hey, Joe, we need a voice for our movement.
I'll give you all the DMT that you could ever smoke in your life as long as you talk about it on the podcast. And so now everyone just associates DMT with Joe.
Have you ever smoked it with him? I've never smoked it. I don't know.
I don't think I would ever smoke it. But I think I've done enough drugs that seem kind of cool.
If a really cool drug comes out, I'll do it. But I'm not doing some of this janky shit that got out there right now.
Right. Right.
Right. Because you're too right yeah i'm sober now but i just don't some of this i don't know what's going on you know what i'm saying i'm not trying to disappear for nine minutes at my fucking cousin's house you know what i'm saying like some of these dudes like what are you doing you you got to go to work still right now what i'm saying like your boss ain't gonna believe you were in another dimension yeah 11 minutes not a valid excuse.
I wanted to actually just bring up Rogan real quick. It is crazy because it feels like Joe Rogan is the new media where 30 years ago you go on Johnny Carson's couch and then you're made it.
Joe Rogan now has that ability. And you got linked up with him.
And I'm not going to say he made made you but would you say that your career has kind of taken off a little bit to a different level with you you know meeting Joe Rogan being on his podcast being friends with him yeah I think um I was thinking about this yesterday some man was talking about this to me this was um I was thinking about this I think you know going on Joe Rogan and I didn't know Joe Rogan, but I remember getting a text, a DM from him one night. And it said, hey, man, we'd love for you to come on the podcast.
And it was equivalent to like whenever I first got in Hollywood, like saying somebody's going to give you a shot, like get a half hour Comedy Central special. It was like it carried that much weight, and I didn't expect that.
And so I was really was really really excited um yeah he's got a neat universe over there i think it's another example of where you know that hollywood's just gotten too you know even the people that work in hollywood they're all like from the same like their third it's nepotism now it's a lot of third generation nobody from the middle of america nobody has any stories everybody's just running on like statistics from different places and so people want more they want something more or more of a real experience and i think joe's kind of like an experiencer you know i mean imagine if oprah did dmt dude you know i'm saying she'd have. Yeah.
Absolutely. So, yeah.
So, it's like, so I think he's kind of experimental in that way. I think Joe Rogan's the best interviewer because he's curious.
He's genuinely curious. Like, even when you talk to him to serve dinner, like, he's fucking, he will not stop being curious.
And it's fascinating to watch somebody be that curious. He's like a golden retriever that's brave enough to do DMT, you know? That sounds like the best pet in the world.
Yeah. And he's become like a planet.
curious he's like a golden retriever that's brave enough to do dmt you know that sounds like the best pet in the world yeah and he's become like a planet uh and and he's he has his point of view but he doesn't seem very judgmental you know he doesn't tell people how they should vote or what they should think you know like or how they should live their lives you know what do you mean he's like a planet he's become like a planet like there's more information remember pluto used to be a planet than it wasn't? Yeah, now Joe Rogan took its place. Yeah, yeah.
Pumped him right out. We know more about Joe, and you can see a moon sometimes.
If you catch Joe in the right light, you can see a moon off in the distance. Right, right.
But he does have this little orbit that's been incredible to watch. Yeah, and I think it's just, I think it was necessary.
Otherwise, the road we're down, we're stuck really. Even you guys, people love just freelance.
They want the American dream or whatever this is, that somebody could pick up and have a voice again. And it's not so controlled by just a couple of few channels.
No, it's true. I think that's a big reason for our success as a company and as a podcast.
like we are sports fans but we're not gonna we don't really have access we were friends with some of the athletes but right we'll tell you when we're friends with them we admit our bias you know what i mean we don't pretend to be something we're we're not in that respect right and you don't have a huge corporation or maybe i don't know what y'all's structures but it doesn't seem like you have a big corporation overhead telling y'all we can't really talk about these things anymore. No.
Just don't bash any Peter Ternan movies right here. Really? Was it Dave and Mike Need Wedding Dates? Yeah.
The best movie of all time. What was your favorite part of that movie? Best movie of all time.
I never saw that movie. It was on my plane the other day coming here.
We're going to interview him in a couple weeks. He's a listener to this show.
He is? Yes. What a...
I was the guy who got bumped up into first class, and then I got my food tray. I put it under my seat when I was done eating, and I didn't know, and it got stuck in the mechanics of the bed.
So, dude, the ladies spent 15 minutes getting meatballs and ricotta out of the mechanics of the- They were like, we picked the absolute worst guy to bump up to first class. Wait, so that's where you're at now in terms of your career.
You're bump up to first class. Yeah, I'm bump up to first class.
You're not first class on its own. No, no.
I got politely asked to stop using the first class bathroom on my flight back from Hong Kong. I was in coach, and I was like, you know what? I'm in this tiny little seat.
I'm going to go up to the first class and take a leak up there, experience a little bit of luxury. It's like that movie Highlander little treat on the 16 hour flight and i'm walking back from the restroom and the lady comes up to me she goes excuse me sir you're not allowed to use that bathroom i was like listen my pee smells just like everybody else's make a video dude make a video yeah um all right so so comedy you're playing uh you're doing a tour right this Yeah, we just started a new tour, and so, yeah, like everywhere.
Yeah, I was seeing that. You were literally going basically everywhere.
Yeah, we're going everywhere. Australia tour dates are coming out next week, and those people don't know, but they're so excited.
But, yeah, I got Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Boise, San Antonio, Austin, Tulsa, Oklahoma City. Nice.
Do you love doing comedy? Do you do it every single day? Do you go to a club every single day? A comics comic. I've heard that phrase before.
Yeah. Are you a comics comic? No, I don't think so.
I just like ... I don't know.
For the first time the other night, I went up and I didn't want to be there. I was just kind of tired.
I think I'm just a little bit burnt out. So I think I just need to take a break or do some less episodes of podcasting or something.
I'm just tired. My brain can't think.
Recharge the battery a little bit. It makes a difference.
A lot of times when I'm just chilling out, if it's a long weekend, I'm not thinking about the show, and I'm just living life, I'll come up with better ideas for the show, and I'm not trying to. Yeah.
As opposed to just sitting down at a desk and being like, hmm, time to be funny. Yeah.
What can you think of now? You know, that sort of thing? Yeah, yeah. I don't like getting to that point.
I've never felt like I'm at that point before, and so now it's just like, yeah, it just feels like a little bit more like, not out of my control, but just, you know, like whenever you're a kid and you learn to bike, you know, finally like can bike. And then half a second after you think you got it, you start fucking the front, you know, like shaking the front and the fence and the neighbor's fence gets closer.
You know, that's you right now. Yeah, that's where I'm at.
I'm just like, oh, I got to park this bike, dude. Shit.
You know, and take a moment.

When you listen to comedy, who are the guys that you tune into?

Oh, Richard Pryor I like.

You know, I like watching Chris D'Elia.

He's really entertaining me.

He's just such a goof.

I like watching Joe Rogan.

A lot of his stuff, like, he's kind of fearless.

He gets up there and tries new stuff.

Coco Diaz, Joey Diaz. He's fucking, I don't know what happened him but it's amazing and uh who else man i don't know anybody else some latinos they got a latino guy can't even understand them they got this dude tocho that works in a kitchen at comedy store and he gets up and just says pussy over and over but it's good man i mean it is i mean it's to me it's my vagina monologue, dude.
That's funny. It's the only word he knows, really.
And he puts on rubber gloves and just keeps saying it. Pussy.
But I like Norm MacDonald. Yeah.
David Spade's entertaining to me. Nick Schwarton makes me laugh just as just being around somebody.
Norm is one of those guys that just absolutely never gave a fuck about anything. Yeah.
Even was at the pinnacle of comedy when he was on saturday night live and they tell him hey norm stop making oj jokes he'd be like yeah sure and then the next episode he would do nothing but oj jokes yeah like i admire that willingness to just say fuck everybody i'm gonna do what makes me laugh yeah norm mcdonald is i mean just one of a kind and then to be like, you'll see a lot of comedians who, they're not learning about themselves because they're so afraid to be themselves. And that's a scary place to be, I think, as a young comic.
I think, you know. Let's talk about a sport.
Okay, what's your favorite sport? I mean, I like the New Orleans Saints, but I like LSU, dude. I saw Les Miles one time at the Whole the whole foods dude buying way too much toilet paper right because he eats grass yeah so he just craps straight out yeah he's like a goat dude i'm sitting there with my sister and we don't really get along well so we're already fighting in the car you know we parked that's how good the fight is right so we had to park yeah so and less miles goes by with three things of shit tickets you know and fumbles one of them right in front of the car.
Ball security. And, Miles goes by with three things of shit tickets, you know,

and fumbles when I'm right in front of the car.

Ball security. Yeah.

And so, but I was like, you know, I opened the door.

I was like, hey, we love what you're doing over there, Les, you know?

Yeah, Coach O is the best.

I mean, he is like so Louisiana.

Yeah.

He's so down Louisiana.

And like just being around him when we interviewed him, just like talking to him in his presence just lights you up does it really yeah he's got an energy for sure oh wow i could i could see that man yeah he seemed like that level he seemed like teddy ruxpin if he got kind of like discontinued and went down to the south to rebuild his life yes and you just get you like get i can get why he's so good at recruit you know like he's recruited guys's recruited guys back in his Miami days when he was recruiting that entire team

and that entire defensive line.

When he gets around you, you're just like, I'll run through a wall for this guy.

I'll put it this way.

He out-charismed The Rock.

Wow, you like Dwayne Johnson in here?

No, I'm saying he recruited The Rock to the University of Miami,

and The Rock gives Coach O credit for developing him into the person that he is today. Oh, that's interesting.
I think he gave him the nickname The Rock, actually. Really? Yeah.
That's interesting, man. Yeah, it's amazing how some people just have that much charisma built in them.
What a nice gift that some people just get that. I don't know if you can build that.
See, I think that that, back to what we were talking about earlier, I think that people are born with that in Louisiana. Like, he's got this Louisiana charisma.
You've got something similar where it's like there's something about you in people in Louisiana you're just kind of drawn to them. That Spanish Maltz magic.
Yeah, he's got it built in. There's that little fog rolls in.
Oh, yeah. And then people show up and they've got that Cajun accent.
You're like, I want to hang out with this guy. We're going to have a good time wherever we end up.
His brain's on 3G. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. All right, I know we've got to wrap up.
We don't have to, but you guys have to go. I've got a radio show that I do every day, but I can be late for it.
So I did want to ask you about the fact that you had a grown man's cock at six years old. Yeah.
How'd that change you? You invented big dick energy. Well, Brennan Schaub talks about it a lot, but yeah, I guess I did.
I don't know how it affected me. Hard to sleep at night, you know? Like Princess and the P, you've heard of that? Yeah.
Well, this is like just, you know, little Fauntleroy on the penis. This is Princess and the penis, you know? Prince and the penis.
Yeah, not really cool, man. Having to sleep on the side.
It's almost like having a body pillow, though, at a very young age, you know, built into your body. Were you aware of this? I knew something was going on, dude, when I would be, you know, when I had to run different, you know.
I could run side to side faster than I could run straight. And that's when I knew something was going on.
That sounds awesome. But my body caught up to it.
Yeah. Okay, so it's like you were, it it's just like somebody that has big ears and they grow into them about 11 or 12 you start to grow into shit remember 11 or 12 somebody comes to school one day and their chin is like 4 inches longer and you're like summer break ends and someone is 6 inches taller you're like huh lay off the puberty daniel yeah right right exactly wow you're fucking one of your buddies his arm one of his arms is three inches longer yeah so you were just like come on man keep up with the rest of us yeah and yeah and my body caught up you know but i was born you know i mean i had the heart of a lesbian that's what the doctor told me when i was young what does that mean you know um i don't know man you know i think it just you know, it was probably a technical term at the time, you know, but this was a different time.
That's a Louisiana technical term. Yeah, heart of a legion.
Yeah, you actually had, like, scoliosis. Rib cage of a large cat.
That's what he said. Yeah.
Rib cage of a large cat. And he was my dentist.
And your doctor. Yeah.
Did he at all? Oh, he was definitely our dentist. Yeah.
Yeah. But, yeah, remember that? Some kid is oh this arm would be longer this one would be short or something like the drawstrings on like a on a pair of like gym shorts yeah their clothes like you they hit the growth spurt but they hadn't gotten the new clothes yet so their pants didn't fit and their shirts were too small and everyone's like it is fucked up to think about puberty how like everyone was just like boom you hit it and then.
And then there's that one kid who didn't hit it, and he's still like four or five, and you're like, yo, this sucks, man. I'm sorry.
Man, bro, yeah. Like, eventually you'll get to us.
Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty bad.
Yeah. But now that's a drug I would do, puberty, bro.
You break out a couple grams of puberty, I'll smoke that shit, son. Yes.
You know what I'm saying? Go through second puberty. Make make your arms grow grow a beard in the middle of your back i like that that's a good idea for a drug just wake up with energy oh just like i can do anything energy oh just grow a fucking mustache on the fucking rim of each one of your balls yeah in your sack get a little your your dick looks like a uh a friar's head just got just got a little crown of hair around the head of it.

You remember having that energy, too?

I haven't had that energy in so, so long where you just wake up and you're like, I got this.

I can do anything.

I can run around for 10 hours and still be ready to go.

Yeah, I'm going to play seven games of basketball today, dude.

And then I'm going to real quickly get ready for work and make it to work on time. Yeah, masturbate 16 times and still feel okay.
You can taste some of it. Yeah.
Just for fun. Just a little taste.
On the tip of your tongue. Then you get voice cracking a little bit.
There's some downsides to puberty again. Well, that's the dark side.
It's just like methamphetamines, man. You know what I'm saying? Puberty is just, I mean, that's Mother Nature's fucking, you know.
It's crank. Yeah.
It's Mother Nature's crank, bro, because it gets you feeling good. But there's some downsides.
There's the acne. You know, there's the, you can't sleep, you know.
Your arms are getting, feeling real long. I also think that kids these days are getting desensitized to porn.
So, like, when we were growing up, when we were going through puberty, you found, like, a Playboy magazine or something like that, and it was like, holy shit, this is the Holy Grail.

This is amazing.

These are boobs.

I can't believe it.

It was something special.

Nowadays, it's like you've got to have some weird, dark shit for kids to get excited.

Yeah.

I bet kids today probably do watch porn way too early.

Because, I mean, Baywatch was porn for me.

Oh, yeah.

Like, oh, man, this is awesome.

They're in bikinis.

Dude, watching mom crack open a beard right by the sofa in that bikini. That was our Baywatch, you know? But it was different, dude.
We used to have me and a black buddy of mine when we were young. Somebody had chiseled a pair of tits in like a half of a birch tree out near us behind the fence.
So we'd go back there and jerk off. To a tree.
Look at this tit tree. People would be out there all the time.
Adults would be out there. Yeah.
You'd see that tit tree. And this was a different time, you know? And people had respect.
Nobody was like, oh, look at you over there coming by the wood, you know? People would wait their turn and be like, ah, all right, man. I'll be back in a little.
You know, with that tree, make sure to wipe it down. Yeah.
I got a few more sets Like going to the gym Like no Let me just finish real quick

Then you can get on it

The bus belt

Man it was just different times dude

Alright well we do actually

Have to go now

Damn man

Theo this has been awesome

Appreciate it

Yeah thank you guys

I'm sorry that I talked so much

No you were great

Everyone go check out

Your tour coming up

We're going to actually be LA

A couple weeks

So maybe we'll meet you up there

Yeah have you guys been out

To the comedy store before

No

You've never been No Oh man I'll take you out do you know what weekend it is uh we're gonna be there oh good man well yeah i'll get you guys yeah let's go let's go out one night that'll be awesome awesome all right thanks for you yeah thank you guys so much man yeah i really appreciate you guys all protein bars generally taste the same, but not one bars.

One made protein bars are actually delicious with Reese's and Hershey's. Only one Reese's peanut butter lover's protein bar is made with Reese's peanut butter.
And only one Hershey's cookies and cream protein bars is made with Hershey's cookie bits while delivering 18 grams of protein and three grams of sugar. One bars are the perfect protein bar to get you through your busy day, whether you need a quick pick-me-up between meetings or you need some fuel to power you through your next workout.
One also has other delicious flavors like birthday cake, maple glazed donut, and blueberry cobbler. Find all One Bars at a retailer near you or on Amazon.com.
Hey, what's going on there, pal? the hockey game on do i know you guys i'm ryan whitney i got a drink named after me not a big deal pink whitney that's what i thought see you fellas i invented the thing you pigeon pink whitney for legendary moments okay let's get to some segments the overtime in game seven has started the blues in the Stars. You want to just do play-by-play for like four seconds? Yeah, okay.
So, okay, they're passing it. This guy's skating pretty hard.
The goalie's behind the net and he's dumping it off. Neither of these teams are the Capitals.
That's all I got. Okay, so we'll update you if there is a goal, a real goal.
Or if the Capitals appear. Or if they show a replay of a goal again.
We'll probably say that too. Let's do some segments though.
First up we have Talking Soccer. Big time Champions League drama.
Liverpool comes back from down 3-0 to win 4-0, which they ended up winning 4-3 on aggregate. It's two legs, Hank.
Come on. It's the world's most beautiful game.
It's aggregate, so the two games the score counts as one game. 4-3.
Oh, wait, I don't understand the rules of this. This tournament is so complicated.
Are you still upset about the rugby thing? I think you might be. What do you want me to do? I can apologize.
Do you want me to say I love rugby? No, I try to grow the game, and you guys don't want to experience new things, so that's fine. Okay, so that was talking rugby inside of talking soccer.
Yeah, they hit him with a hezy hay on the corner. Yes.
The ultimate hezy hay. The big-time hezy hay.
It was actually a very cool set piece. Yes.
So credit to Liverpool. I guess 3-0.
Has that ever happened before? Actually, so 2017, I'm pretty sure Paris Saint-Germain blew like a 5-0 lead or something, a 4-0 lead. That's a team, not a person? That's a team.
Paris Saint-Germain. Yeah, they lost 6-1 in the second leg.
So it has happened, but it still was incredible because you'd think Argo Messi would be able to stop it, but unfortunately he doesn't play goalie, so it's not his fault. Right.
He's actually usually as far away from the goal as Boston. And Ronaldo was out a couple rounds ago.
Yeah, so he still maintains goat status. Correct.
Also, brilliant PR move by Barca. No one's talking about the defeat of the Spanish Armada by the English a while ago.
This is the biggest win for England. Yeah, also really nice color rush.
All red versus highlight green. It was very, very nice.
It was very cool. So now it's the Liverpudlians versus either Ajax, which I know I'm saying incorrectly.
I know people will get mad. Ajax, but I'm spelling it American.
Ajax versus Tottenham. Okay.
So to see who goes and plays Liverpool. In the last leg.
Yes. No, in the championship of the champions.
In the championship of the league. A league, yeah.
Okay, everything's just a leg. Yeah, exactly.
Every game in soccer is a leg. There's only one leg in the last one.
Oh, really? Yeah. Is it neutral site? Yeah, neutral site championship of the champions.
I like that. That was talking soccer.
We have a PR101. Hank, why don't you introduce this PR101, the Game of Thrones PR101.
Game of Thrones fans are very, very very very upset after the last episode because when Jon Snow basically gave up his dog got rid of him forever Direwolf he didn't pat him and so you know people were upset online afterwards and I guess a writer the writer of the show afterwards said it was because they didn't have the budget in the CGI to have him pet which then just set people off even more this is the same show where dragons breathe fire onto people and just like literally people just disintegrate and they pet dragons yes okay cool yeah i just want to make sure yes yes and the show that like goes and films in new zealand for like four years straight and uh they can't just have one little boop on the way out. I have a theory about this.
Okay. I think this was all a setup because they see how good those YouTube videos do of soldiers returning from battle to their dogs.
Yes. Jon Snow is going to return back to Winterfell, and it's going to be the ultimate soldier returns from war, and his woofer has a major case of the zoomies.
That would be an all time scene.

The problem is, though, people are just upset because the writers, the writers don't.

There's no like they're not doing any of that surprise.

It's not like they're saying that knowing that they're going to get outraged.

But it would be great.

They think that's a real explanation.

Yeah, they do think it.

People are really, really mad.

I'm one of them.

People are also mad about the Starbucks cup thing, which I think is like, who cares?

Yeah, I have. I have a comment about the Starbucks cup that I haven't seen anybody make yet.
I don't think it was a Starbucks cup. Oh.
I think people are giving them millions of dollars of free advertising. I think it was just a normal coffee cup that had the sleeve around it.
Yes. That like brown sleeve.
I'd agree with you. And so now people are using the term Starbucks like we do with Kleenex.
They're gaslighting Starbucks on us. They are.
Where it's a brand name that just is substituted from now on for coffee. Yes, I'd agree.
I actually completely agree because I saw it and everyone called it a Starbucks cup. So I naturally just saw a Starbucks cup.
Yep. Sorry, not sorry.
Yeah. It might have been a Pete's cup.
By the way, didn't you read that it's actually better to not say goodbye to your dog? You were telling me about that. Yeah.
So there was a major case of well actually going on. This is the best part about the internet.
On the internet. We're fighting about CGI dogs now.
Yeah, this is very hot debate in the streets right now. Somebody said, actually, if you make a big deal out of leaving, then your dog gets more anxious while you're gone.
So you should just be a huge dick and never pay attention to your dog. That way they're never happy to see you when you're down.
I mean, I guess that makes sense.

I do always say to Stella right before I leave, I'll be right back.

Because she doesn't.

She's a dog.

She doesn't have time.

I'm getting some cigarettes and milk from the store.

I'll be right back.

But she doesn't have time.

I could be gone for 12 hours or two seconds.

Time is time.

I tell Leroy I love him every time I leave.

Hey, I'll be right back.

Don't worry.

I say I love you and I give him a little boop.

A little boop boop. All right.
We have a thoughts and prayers for country house done dead yeah he's out of preakness oh wait not dead no he's out of preakness still alive still not paced yet um they said that he's coughing and acting like he's going to get sick so he's joel and he's faking it yeah he's either joel and I could see this. If I'm country house, if I'm that horse, I'd probably do the exact same thing.
Yes. Because you're never going to top that.
Yes. You are going out completely at the top of your game.
You're a Kentucky Derby winner. And why would you ever try to follow that up? You're going to finish like 11th in the Preakness and everyone's going to get re-mad about the fact that you won the Kentucky Derby.
That's absolutely what would happen. Right.
It's like a one-hit wonder that should have retired after their first album that came out. So now Maximum Security has to go and win the last two legs.
And then it can be like the greatest non-triple crown that should have been a triple crown ever. That would be great.
Is Maximum Security, is he going to race? Or is he banned for life for almost causing the big one? That's true. It might have banned him for life.
Yeah. Bad horse.
Let's hope. Yeah.
Hank, you want to finish this up with guys on chicks? We got five minutes into the overtime. Blues just shot.
Missed. Guys on chicks, what are your guys' favorite part of a chicken? Oh, good question.
Wings? I like the breast. No, obviously I'm a big wing guy.

Yeah.

Dark meat?

Dark meat's good.

Yeah, the dark meat's where all the flavor's at.

Yeah, although it is a little gooey sometimes.

It's kind of gross.

As a white person, I never season it.

That's true.

I just boil it.

You boil a big chicken and then serve it.

Yeah.

I don't even de-feather it.

No.

I don't even kill it.

If you don't de-feather the chicken, when you poop it out, it wipes your butt for you. Yes, exactly.
Hey, boys, especially future dad cat. My five-year-old daughter has heard my husband say things like, not in the nuts, or ooh, right in the nuts, while grimacing in pain.
So she, of course, has started to say similar things in similar situations, like when her sister throws something at her, for example. It's honestly so hilarious, but I definitely worry about her exclaiming this at school and her teachers thinking we are shitty parents, with our little girl apparently thinking it's hilarious to say she is nuts.
What would your talking points be if you were in our shoes? Well, I'd probably just go with, and this is probably not good for my future parenting skills, but I go with the theory that any stupid thoughts that your kid has will just be bullied out of them. That's a very good theory.
I mean, it's true, right? Like eventually the kid is going to go to school, say not in the nuts, and everyone will be like, you don't have nuts, you idiot. And then they're going to be shamed, and they're never going to speak confidently again in their life.
Life finds a way. i would suggest if you really want to correct this behavior just tell your husband whenever something gets thrown i'm say hey not in the clip and then it'll make way more sense when she says in school don't hit that's good that's perfect why do guys get so upset and disrespectful towards their favorite team just because they lose a game? Ooh.
Well, it's personal. And it's very personal now that it's in social media age because your team is your identity.
And when your team does poorly, you take everything that's said about it as a huge slight against your own personal life. Yeah.
I went through this. I've gone through this most years of my life.
You just did it with rugby as a watch no i'm still very much on board i'm leading the choo-choo train of usa sevens but i'm saying that like as a capitals fan i've experienced disappointment many many more times than i have joy and uh i experienced it a couple weeks ago and i was definitely in a funk for about like 24 hours and then then I just thought to myself, like, this doesn't make sense.

That's maturity.

Becoming a mature adult male is learning how to not let every slight on your team like ruin your week. That's where you really win.
I'm down to 24 hours. Right.
Progress. Right.
Like Cody Parkey jokes bother me for about two weeks. Then I was OK.
Yeah. Like, that's not bad.
Right. If you can get to a point in life where someone can can bash your favorite player or your favorite team and you're like i don't care then you're you're basically buddha it actually helps doing a podcast a sports podcast because that's what we do to each other all the time right so we're kind of immune to it so i would suggest um having a the man in your life start a sports podcast but not a really good one so it doesn't take away from us.

Correct.

Just so he can get that bullied out of him.

Yes.

All right.

Last one.

Sup, boys, especially Thick Cat.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and while we were together, he decided to DM a bunch of NFL players asking for autographed jerseys using the fact that he's in the military.

Really cool.

Normal.

Long story. Totally normal.
Long story short, I have his autographed Malik Jackson, the only player who has time to respond to regular people's DMs, I guess. Jersey.
Should I give it back? I was fully intending on giving it back, but I recently found out he's already talking to girls within the two weeks we've been broken up. Well, he's probably DMing him, because that's what he does.
And we've dated for over a year. Yeah, I say you give him the Malik Jackson jersey back because that's no disrespect to Malik Jackson.
We're current guests, right? Yeah, I was going to say. Yes, yes.
No, what you want to do is you want to hang on to that. Very memorable interview.
You want to hang on to that Malik Jackson jersey and you want to get it framed in all your thirst trap. No, he wasn't.
Was Malik Jackson on the show? Yeah. I'm pretty sure he was, Hank.
Yeah, absolutely. Very memorable.
No, he definitely was. Super Bowl champion.
Oh, he came in the studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Super Bowl champion. Oh, Malik Jackson.
I thought you were saying Malik Jackson. He's the guy that made Cam Newton make the business decision.
Yes. He was good.
All right. You remembered it.
Hall of Famer. You frame that jersey, put it behind you.
Then in all your thirst traps that you take on Instagram, have his jersey that says, like, thank you, sir, for your service autographed on it in the background. Yeah.
That'll really get to him. Or you can also do, you can DM all the guys that he DMed asking for an autographed jersey.
And because I assume you have yourself as your avatar, they will definitely answer. And they will definitely give you an autographed jersey.
And then take a picture of all your autographed jerseys of all the guys that wouldn't send him autographed jerseys. That's a very, very good solution.
Because you know the guy. They'll be like, oh, you want it? Oh, okay.
Yeah, you can have an autographed jersey yeah and then you just get a whole like you know library of autographed jerseys i think that's elegant you just need to one-up them in some way shape or form yeah and then just shove it in his face yeah or like monday's reading just whoever his favorite player is just late night here's what you do you gotta fuck malik jackson you got to you on top of the jersey. In his jersey.
In his jersey.

And then have him sign it again.

Yeah.

With a different sort of thing.

Okay.

See you Friday.

Love you guys.

Talking away.

I don't know what I'm to say.

I'm saying anyway.

Today is our day to find you.

Shining away.

I'm coming for your love of great.

Take on me

Take me on

I'll be gone

It's Pardon My Take presented by Bar School Sports