Ep. #651: Robert De Niro, Max Brooks, Tara Palmeri

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with a class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Night Series, Real Time with Bill Ma.

thank you very much i appreciate it thank you

thank you for coming we have a great show

i appreciate that

okay

very exciting night um

and uh what a political week i think i know why you're happy we have proof of life

did you see the state of the union last night I i thought Joe did pretty good.

I don't know about the union, but the state of the president is feisty.

Whatever they're slipping in his metamucil seems to be working because he was up for it last night.

And

the Republicans expected the caricature.

of Joe Biden to show up.

And it kind of different guy showed up.

And you could tell they were thrown off their game by this because on Fox News they weren't going on about his age.

They were going on that he was too loud.

I'm not making that too loud.

So who sounds like an old fuck now?

Burn it down in there.

You're too loud.

And of course, I guess we're just this country now.

He was heckled throughout the night.

You know, this is just who we are now.

Marjorie Taylor Greene did a lot of it as her role as America's embarrassing cousin.

On her schedule tonight is getting drunk at a wedding and blowing the DJ.

No, they were so rude.

And it was the first time we've seen Lauren Boebert do this without an actual dick in her hand.

But,

oh, they do keep coming up with them, don't they?

You got to give that to the Republican Party.

There's a new star, though.

Move over, Marjorie and Lauren Bobert.

We now have Katie Britt.

She did the rebuttal, you know.

Zoe's a rebuttal.

So if you didn't see it, I'm just going to show you about 20, 30 seconds of it.

And you make up your own mind.

Here's Katie Britt last night.

Mr.

President, enough is enough.

It's been a month since Joe Biden pumped gas.

The free world deserves better than a dithering and diminished leader.

Bynomics is working, and we stand with you.

But how many times a day she was raped?

Our families are hurting.

Goodness, y'all.

Bless his heart.

So I just wanted to remind you, daylight saving time

starts this Sunday, so it'll be an hour later when the cuckoo bird flies out of her head.

Republicans.

Republicans, they do this all the time.

They introduce us to their new rising star, and America's like, what the fuck was that?

So

here's what I learned about Katie Bridge, because I didn't know, I'd never heard of her before.

She's got a husband named Wesley, she's got kids named Bennett and Ridgway,

and she's this close to driving them all over a cliff in a minivan.

The Republicans said they picked her because she has school-age kids who now have to endure taunts of your mom's a weirdo

And

you could tell they wrote her speech, her rebuttal, before she even watched the actual speech itself, because she kept referring to Biden as weak, dithering, diminished.

And then this really hurt.

She said, we are never, ever, ever getting back together.

And I thought...

And I thought the fact of putting her in the kitchen was a nice touch.

I felt like I was delivering groceries.

I didn't know she was going to kill me or fuck me.

I really thought for a minute she was going to

walk over to the refrigerator and open it up, and there's a head in there.

Anyway, we've got a great show.

We've got Max Brooks and Tara Palmieri.

But this is very exciting for us, Oscar Weekend.

He is the consensus greatest actor of his generation and was currently nominated for his 10th Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in the film Killers of the Flower Moon.

Robert De Niro.

There he is.

There he is.

He's really here.

Thank you, sir.

All right.

Thank you.

First of all.

Thank you so much for being here.

I know you don't have to be here.

You don't have to be anywhere.

You don't need anything.

The voting is in.

You don't.

You're playing with the house money.

I mean,

the voting is in, so I know you just wanted to be here, and that means the world to me.

Well, you're terrific.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

So I don't know if you, did you see what I was just showing of Katie Britt

as the greatest actor?

Could you

Could you critique her acting technique a little?

Because I thought it might have been a little over the top.

No, I saw it this morning

and I don't understand why they would even have someone like her do it.

I mean it's they

it was so lame

yeah that's a good word for it.

All right well Speaking of acting,

I just want to go through.

I'm going to speed read this.

Go ahead, whatever you want to do.

Honestly, because, you know, I've said this many times to actors, I judge actors not just by how they act, because I think you would admit, as great as you are, other actors are great too.

They could do the roles.

I judge them also by what scripts they pick, like the intelligence to pick the right script.

And I just went through your list.

These are not even all of them, but...

Godfather, Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter, Raging Bull, King of Comedy, Once Upon a Time in America, Untouchables, Midnight Run, Awakenings, Goodfellas, Cape Fear, Bronx Tale, Boys' Life, Heat, Casino, Wag the Dog, Jackie Brown, Ronin, Analyze This, Meet the Fockers, The Good Shepherd, Silver Linings, Playbook, Dirty Grandpa, Joker, The Irishman, Killers at the Flower Moon.

It's a little greedy.

I'm just saying

a lot of that is because you just chose great movies.

I mean, to have that many movies that everybody always loves.

What's behind that?

What goes into what you choose?

No, there's a films that I see the possibility in.

Some I've been involved with from the inception.

They're all just movies that I felt

that were worthy.

I've done some not good ones, but

I think I have a pretty good average out of it.

That's what I'm saying.

A very high batting average.

Very few turkeys in there.

So

I just, I don't know, know, I just picked certain things.

I mean, that's what I feel

are

good.

They're either well written or smart or something or the director has been work.

If it's Gorsesi, I just go with him no matter what he's going to do.

Do you have any were there any parts that you turned down ever that you could have done?

The only one that I didn't,

I was taking so long to think about it

was

the

the famous one that Anthony Hopkins wound up doing the Nixon

no no it was with Jonathan Demi we all what's what's it oh

Silence of the Lambs yes silence of the lambs you could have been Anthony Hopkins I could have played that part but I waited so long and I was thinking and I said just give me a little longer the And the next thing he said, I'm going to,

he just cast it.

He didn't even tell the way I remember it.

So that was one.

I don't regret it.

It's just

that's what happened.

Right.

And

I see you've only directed two, but they were both really good.

Good Shepard, really a big favorite of mine.

Thank you.

About the CIA.

Really subtle, smart, entertaining, and Boys' Life also.

Thank you.

Terrific.

Why only?

Boy's Life.

Boys Life, I didn't direct, I directed Bronx Tale.

Oh, Bronx Tale.

Also, Brett.

But

why only two?

You never found another one all those years that you wanted to, that compelled you to direct?

It's a lot of work to direct a movie.

And I love doing it.

It's just that...

And even Bronx Tale, I said, I better do something because I want to direct.

And I finally saw Chaz Pomateri's one-man show out here, then in New York and finally we got it ready to do and I committed to it and did it the way I made it my own as you can as you say when you do a film or whatever even a part you you make it your own you personalize it more so it becomes more specific

and so I that was I was very happy about I had a way of that I wanted to do it I don't want to do it with kids who were not actors because nobody could do that world that was an actor.

You had to use the kids from that world and

have them work with them on the scenes, improvise this, you know, give them the beginning, middle, end of the scene.

They go through it, they improvise.

So that's why.

The Good Shepherd, I've always been fascinated by the intelligence world.

I'm a child of the Cold War,

if you will.

You look great for being one.

By the way, I know, I mean,

not to get onto the age issue, but we should, because you're basically the same age as Biden.

I am a little, yeah, I'm 80, he's 82 or 81, I think, right?

Okay.

For all practical purposes.

I don't know if it's the Italian skin, whatever it is, but

you still can play these parts.

I mean, you don't, you know, I mean, dirty grandpa, yes, great.

I love it.

Loved it.

But, I mean, now you're entering a new decade.

Look, I'm punching 70 in the mouth.

Oh, honestly.

Yeah, well,

any advice

on what I'm looking at?

Just keep going.

Yeah, just keep going.

Well, that's my question.

Can you keep going?

I hope I can.

You know,

I'm very busy.

I enjoy it.

I don't mind it.

I keep going because I know if you don't keep going,

you're going to atrophy and you're going to dry up.

And I don't want to do that, so I'm just trying to keep as busy as I can.

So what did you think of Biden last night?

I mean, I thought.

I thought he was great.

Yeah, I did too.

And

I, you know, this whole thing about him in his age, it's all nonsense from the Republicans and even from our party.

The bottom line is, it's Biden versus Trump.

We want to live in a world that we want to live in and enjoy living in or live in a nightmare.

Vote for Trump and you'll get the nightmare.

Vote for Biden and

we'll be back to normalcy.

So why is Trump winning?

I mean the poll, the New York Times poll this week came out, and maybe this will change it with the State of the Union address, but Trump was beating him rather soundly.

It was quite a warning light, 48 to 43, also winning way more among women, women, than he had before, winning outright Latinos.

What do you attribute that to?

I don't know.

I just don't want to feel the way I did, and many of us don't, after the election in

2016,

where we couldn't believe that it happened.

The guy is a total monster.

And anybody, I don't understand it.

I guess they get behind that kind of logic.

They want to fuck with people, screw them, because they're unhappy about something.

He's such a mean, nasty, hateful person.

I'd never play him as an actor because

I can't see any good in him.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Nothing redeemable in him.

And we have to, and whoever the people are who want to vote for him, and they look like intelligent people around there.

For some reason,

it can't be.

It cannot be.

If

he wins the election,

you won't be on the show anymore.

He'll come looking for me.

There'll be things that happen that none of us can imagine.

That's what happens in that kind of a dictatorship, which is what he says.

Let's believe him.

Take him at his word.

I did from the beginning.

Yeah.

I mean, I said from the very beginning, this guy is never going to concede power.

And he still hasn't.

No.

He still hasn't.

He still has admitted he lost the last election.

And he advertises that he will go on.

He says he's been cheated out of one term, so maybe we should get rid of the only, a president only gets two terms thing.

He's a sociopathic,

psychopathic, malignant narcissist.

He is a dangerous person.

Did we have to really, people rely, a lot of people, this audience, but the people who somehow think think he's going to be the answer to their prayers whatever those are did you know

as fellow New Yorkers never wanted to know him never wanted to know

you must have crossed

he he was a clown he was a clown in New York and

New Yorkers say you know some would go with him of course people who work in what he does some of them but it's just he's a classic bully.

If you had a schoolyard and he walked in and he had his bully friends around, the other people decide whether they want to oppose him or they want to let him just tell him what to do and own that the schoolyard or the basketball court or whatever it is.

He's got to be stopped.

But even bullies have to trade on something that people feel.

And his big

message the last time was American carnage, it must stop.

He said said everything that he did himself, that he's responsible for.

It's all a projection of who he, you know that.

Yes, of course.

But I do see that the governor of New York now is putting the National Guard in the subway.

As a New Yorker, what do you think of that?

What do you think they'd say if he did it?

Well, if he did it, it's for another reason.

Her doing it, I haven't heard about it.

They just told me just before, but

I don't know.

I don't have an answer for that.

I'm not happy about it.

But crime in New York.

I mean, you know something about that.

Well, I don't have to.

You played it.

It's happened to you.

I don't have

organized crime.

I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope,

I don't know, whatever I could do to help alleviate that situation.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I can't.

Well, I think people feel like there's a lack of common sense on the left and the right.

Would you at least agree with that?

I would agree with that.

Right.

And that that gives him a giant opening.

I think what we saw from this week, especially with Super Tuesday, is the Democrats seem to be moderating.

They're back on the crime issue.

All the excesses of, say, from 2020, they seem to be pulling back on, whereas the other party is going even more bonkers.

Well, they're just...

They'll do anything and we'll see a lot worse as time goes on.

I think because he's behind it, it'll go as low as anything we could ever imagine and beyond that.

That's what's so concerning and upsetting.

The bottom line is we have to,

Biden's our guy.

He represents what this country is supposed to be about.

And Trump is, you see, we all see.

Not this audience, but

well.

This audience sees the other people out there don't see it.

All right.

Well, I'll let you go.

I know you're probably on a set.

Wait, I'm not finished.

Oh, okay.

Well, you're definitely not.

Are you going to go to the parties this weekend?

Are you going to be out celebrating until...

I don't know.

Maybe I'll stay out there.

Good luck on Sunday.

If you win, do you think it'll get you more acting work?

If it could open up some doors for you?

Well, it might, actually.

Okay.

Well,

you're great in it, Killers.

And it's a great movie.

I just wanted to say,

it's a real morality play, that movie.

And a morality play needs a bad guy, or else you can't do the play.

Yes.

And you are not afraid to take that on.

So for that one and all of them, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Great to see you.

Robert De Niro.

All right, let's read our panel.

Hey!

Hey, guys.

All right, he is a fellow at the Modern War Institute at West Point and author of the upcoming short story Tiger Chair, a tale of China's future war.

Max Brooks,

a returning champion, and

she is the senior political correspondent at Puck and host of the Ringers Somebody's Gotta Win podcast.

Tara Palmieri, how are you?

Great to see you.

Okay.

Can we talk a little State of the Union?

I thought it was,

as most people are saying, even the polls now say the audience liked it.

The general public kind of liked it.

They didn't think Biden could be quite that feisty.

I saw the criticism was, a lot of it was that it was a campaign speech.

I think Joe finally got the memo that, yeah, we can't be friends anymore.

Remember when he first got to Washington, he was like, my friends in the Senate.

And that Senate, that's his happy place.

You know he loves being there.

But he gets it now, though.

It's a campaign speech, they said.

And he's like, fuck right, it's a campaign speech.

Was that how you would.

There was something buried in his speech that I think needs to get a lot more play when he talks about billionaires paying their fair share.

You know, remember when Obama tried to say you didn't build that, and he got shouted down?

He should have doubled down because there is a bond between the state and the marketplace.

And Biden said it perfectly because it's not that we don't want Bezos to make billions of dollars.

We do, but he can only make his billions because his trucks drive on roads that I pay for, that his workforce is educated in public schools that I pay for,

that his drivers got driver's licenses and DMVs that I pay for, and the cops that protect his vans that I pay for, and the entire global supply chain is protected by the United States military that I, the taxpayer, pay for.

So I am paying my fair share, and all I want is for for billionaires to pay theirs.

They're here.

So, I mean, from my perspective, I think, you know, obviously Joe Biden made a lot of great points electorally in an election year, but I think a lot of people were actually really watching for style, probably even more than substance, because they wanted to know that this person, that if you are watching any sort of like right-wing media, Fox News, you think he's a zombie.

And he essentially showed you, I am not a zombie.

I have a brain.

I can speak.

I can even ad-lib.

I can interact with Marjorie Taylor Green.

And yeah, he, of course, some of the words were garbled, but it's an hour speech.

Like, who can do that anyway, right?

And who gives a shit?

And right, but look, if this is...

I think for most Americans, they just wanted to see their president.

And I think as long as he can keep doing that, and he's continuing today, he's in Pennsylvania, he's on this anti-zombie tour, and like everyone is here to see him.

And this is...

and this is what the people want right

and let's be clear when we talk about you know when the pundits and the press talk about ageism it's not ageism it's weakism right it's the perception of weakness and it taps into the sick primitive scared monkey caveman DNA that's in us right so when we look at him we go ooh Chief weak, he no hunt mammoth.

We no eat, bad chief.

And that's really what they're talking about.

And the people who know better need to cut that out.

Because if he was so weak, how could he accomplish more in three years than every other president in the last 50?

Last 50?

Oh, yeah.

The last 50 years.

And he doesn't get the credit for it because he doesn't know how to use the bully pulpit.

He used it last night.

And I actually think Katie Britt did him a huge service because she showed that experience actually does matter.

I mean,

Where have they been hiding her?

Alabama.

And

how do we close that border?

But, you know, that's.

But she's a great example of what it's like to live in a dictatorship because we're all making fun of her, but she wasn't talking to us.

She was talking to Trump.

And that's what you get when you turn on Russian state TV.

They're talking directly to Putin.

And so that's what it's like to live in a dictatorship.

She's only performing for one person.

Okay.

Yeah.

I was just going to say,

and I think

based on my reporting at Puck, she may have failed at that because, no, seriously, I

Trump has a

cash crunch right now.

He needs money.

And Republican normally donors, they looked at her and they thought she is the future of the Republican Party.

She is a woman who could appeal to moderate swing-boating women.

And they are all behind her.

The Paul Singers, the Ken Griffins, the big money guys, they would feel comfortable supporting her.

And Trump knows that because they aren't supporting Trump yet.

So Trump saw her with a lot of appeal, but for Trump, presentation and performance is even more important.

And in a lot of ways, in politics, it is.

And she's kind of proven that she can't sell things.

Like, I don't believe that she believed what she was saying.

And I don't, so I don't know how,

I don't think he would pick her.

And I've heard my recording suggests from MAGA World and from, you know, Mar-a-Lago that they weren't impressed either.

No, it looked like a first-year acting student

trying to get into into the Lee Strasford School.

I've never seen that.

I mean, they've had some really bad ones.

Who was the dude who kept drinking?

Jindal.

No.

Oh, Bobby Jindal.

He was bad too.

No, that was Rubio.

Rubio.

Rubio.

You know, but this was just something really different.

No, but

I will say this.

I just hate the fact that nobody can let anything pass in this country without getting partisan about it.

Like the fact that she was in the kitchen.

That's all I heard on MSNBC.

In the kitchen, like they want women back in the kitchen.

Okay, I have a kitchen.

Everybody has a goddamn kitchen.

It's not about the kitchen.

They were leaning into the mom thing.

Well, I mean, it's just, and then on the other side, I see that when he was sparring, Joe,

about the illegal immigration, and he called somebody an illegal.

Oh, yeah.

Nancy Pelosi, she said, well, you should call them undocumented.

But it's not a big deal.

Right.

Because Elon Omar said no human is illegal.

Oh, drama much.

Jesus Christ.

And I thought that,

this is where the Democrat Party should go if they want to win.

It's no big deal.

Stop taking the bait.

Stop making an issue out of every goddamn thing.

But here.

Because if I just let me recap what I think with Joe, I think he just said, I'm with the normies.

He challenged the border, let's not fight about it, let's fix it.

Putin's bad, school shootings are bad, in vitro's good, abortion's personal, potato chips cost too much,

and Israel was attacked.

And I think that's, you know, most normal, I see somebody heckled him with Abbeygate, like nobody without a Dakota ring knows what this means.

It's a reference to Afghanistan, which in the right-wing bubble is like the worst thing.

And I think that most Americans think, Afghanistan, yeah, he didn't stick the landing, but he pulled the band-aid off.

It's not the darkest day in American history.

I also don't think he's the best president in 50 years.

I don't know where you're getting.

Well, what I'm getting at is...

Isn't Obamacare itself a bigger thing?

No, it is a big thing.

But what he's doing is he is the first long-term president in my lifetime.

All right.

Every president that even the ones I like have always had this message of if you vote for me, you're going to have a great now today.

Biden's attitude is, I ain't going to live to see half the fruits of my labor, but your kids and your grandkids are going to live in a better world.

He is the better tomorrow president.

The chips, the reindustrializing, the infrastructure, none of this is going to show instant results.

But there has not been a president like this since FDR.

High praise indeed.

I do think it was smart for Democrats, though, in this speech, to really lean into immigration and crime, because that is going to be the issue in 2024 and economy.

And like the fact that he could get down to brass tacks, like actual numbers, it was almost like he was going to a spreadsheet of this is how much money you could save.

Blah, blah, blah.

You know, this is the kind of thing that people want to hear.

But I do think Democrats are really behind.

After, like you said, years of defund the police,

now it's going to have a huge impact and it spreads out to the suburbs.

And that's how the Republicans won the House in 2022 because of crime in the suburbs.

And it's going to be immigration crime.

I think if there's a headline from this week, not just the speech, but also it was Super Tuesday.

So we had races, and they did give us some results, even if they were down-the-ballot kind of things.

And the big headline to me is, like I said to Bob, one party is moderating.

Democrats got the memo.

2020, yeah, we went too far, keeping kids out of school for two years,

colleges with 200 DEI officers, just crazy, you know, shoplifting is just as shopping now.

I just worry about that.

It's crazy as shit that

I worry they're a little late to the game though, because like two to one people think that Republicans are better with crime, migration, economy.

So now you're in the election year and now you're trying to switch the script and I think.

I mean putting the National Guard in the subway?

Yeah, no, you have to do it.

And so it seems like an over-correction, but.

But that's the thing is, I would argue that instead of over-correcting, it's baby stepping into the moderate, rational middle instead of what we've been ping-ponging between for decades, which has been over-correcting, right?

These progressive policies that essentially decriminalize crime, they were a knee-jerk over-correction for the over-incarceration and the militarizing of the police of the 80s and 90s, which was itself an over-correction for the ballooning crime of the 60s and 70s, which was itself an over-correction for racist police brutality, which had been going on since like...

1492.

But this is the thing, we ping-pong in between, it's either smash and grab or stop and frisk.

And we can't keep living like that.

And the Democrats seem to want to say, okay, public safety is a priority.

How do we do this without electing the next generation of Rudy Giulianis?

Right.

Well, San Francisco, known as the most progressive city in the country, they're a part of this.

What happened the other night?

They changed on a couple of important things.

Welfare recipients have to be drug tested now, and the cops can chase you again if you're bad.

Wow.

You know,

so

the San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco can no longer be called a progressive city.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

But you know, this is the mistake we made in the late 70s when the welfare state was showing cracks, right?

Crime was on the rise, things were not working out, and the Democrats doubled down and just threw threw money at the problem and shamed anybody who tried to complain.

And as a result, America just turned.

And I'm seeing this in my neighborhood.

I live in a neighborhood that was so progressive when I moved in.

I think you have to own a Che Guevara t-shirt just to live there.

I was to the right of them, and now I'm to the left, and I haven't changed.

They have.

And we're not just talking about like well-to-do whiteys.

We're talking about working-class people because we have to remember this with crime.

It's the working-class people who suffer the most.

because they need the parks, they need the beaches, they need the public spaces, they can't afford private security and they take their kids away and they're the ones calling for safety.

I agree with you 100% and I think this is why a lot of Democrats are really worried that Biden is leaning too far into democracy and not enough into crime and migration because it's hard to think about democracy if you're afraid to leave your house.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's It's hard to think about these bigger conceptual issues, which we should be.

Yeah.

But at the same time, if you don't feel safe.

It's personal.

I was just at a community meeting in my neighborhood, and there was this older African-American guy yelling at the LAPD.

And he said, How is that fair that you can come into my house anytime you want looking for drugs, but you can't go into the van that's been parked outside my house for the last year?

How is that fair?

Okay,

I wanted to bring up an economic issue because he did talk a lot about the economy.

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I love that.

$30, Bonnie Davis will play Truth or Dare with you on a video call for an undisclosed amount.

Sweet Treat Augustina will send you a fart in a jar.

I love it that

on that one,

it's market price.

It's seasonal.

There's no actual price.

I guess it goes.

For $30, Black Widow will send you her bath water with a letter.

letter and if you subscribe to a free one-von trial Cocoa butter gay will send you a video of him coming on his shoes

so I

plainly this is a sick fucking country but

I bring this up for a reason because Donald Trump owes $587 million and he can't pay it

so he's gonna go on OnlyFans

that's what they do

he owned that's

the two trials:

the Bergdorf-Goodman rape trial and the defrauding for this business.

Over $500 million.

Would you like to see the tip menu on Trump's tape?

I thought you might.

Okay.

For $20, he'll take off his makeup very slowly.

For $10, he'll try on those T-through baseball pants.

For $25, he'll stick his penis in something terrific.

Are you into ASMR?

For $50, you can listen while he rips up confidential documents.

For $50, he'll pee on the Russian hookers who are peeing on him.

For $40, you can watch the Supreme Court get him off.

For 85 cents, he'll make Eric cry.

For $60, he'll put the glowing sordid orb up his ass.

I'll pay that.

I'll pay that.

I'm there.

I'll do it.

I'll do that.

And of course, one of our favorites here on real time, for $30, he'll jerk off two invisible guys.

It's a favorite video.

Okay.

So, one more thing about the State of the Union.

I think the strategy that Joe Biden should employ if he wants to win this election is just to come out every once in a while.

You know, I've been, when I first said he's going to be Ruth Bader-Biden, and I still think that may be the possibility, I think we still would do better with a younger candidate.

But okay, maybe not.

We'll see.

He did well last night.

But

everybody said, and I said, well, he can, I don't think he's doing a bad job as president.

He can do the job.

I don't think he can win the job because it's a grueling thing to run for president.

It's really hard.

And everybody said, yeah, well, he can't do what he did last time because there was a pandemic.

Stay in his basement.

Yes, he can.

No one gives a shit about that.

The chattering classes will talk about it and the public will be, what do I care?

I don't want to watch this all the time anyway.

I don't need to see him every day.

He doesn't need to go around the country.

Stay where you are, every once in a while, make a speech like this.

Yeah.

You know, right.

Trump proved in 2016,

he saved all his money and put one big ad at the end, and people liked it better.

Right.

They weren't sick of him.

And I also think the chattering class needs to change how they think about Biden.

Personally, I like that he's an old guy, right?

Because a young guy is always thinking, oh, what's my next move?

What am I going to do after this?

What's my, you know, what's my next stop?

Biden's next stop is heaven.

Okay?

I like...

that this is a guy trying to do as much possible good as he can before before FDR taps him on the shoulder and says, look, I got Kennedy and Lincoln waiting in the car.

Come on.

I'm going to, I'm, of course,

I'm

a working member of the press, so of course I'm going to disagree with this.

I think he should be doing more interviews.

He should be doing press conferences.

He should actually be facing the press.

No, he shouldn't.

Why not?

Why do you say no to that, though?

Because he fucks up.

Well,

come on.

You know, that's a terrible strategy.

It's a bat.

This was great.

It was on the teleprompter, and once in a while they played right into his hands.

You know, if somebody heckles him, he could riff because he's not too feeble to do that.

But being on the campaign, I mean, come on, one bad piece of fish.

One slip on the ice, one slip of the tongue, which he does all the time.

I mean, they'll just...

But that doesn't inspire confidence.

And people want to feel confident.

I don't think they care.

You don't think they care?

I don't think they care.

If you see, just very strategically see him every once in a while in in a good light.

That's what they would do if it was a show business.

Right.

Right.

Right.

It is show business.

And the longer he's out of, you're right, it is show business, but the longer that he's out of the public eye, the more the right-wing media ecosystem can continue to create the perception that he's a zombie hiding and there are faceless bureaucrats and lanyards that are running the country.

I think he needs to be out there more.

I hate him.

I think it's better to have them say you're a zombie than to look like one.

But, okay.

So,

one other thing from this speech,

this struck me.

He said, political violence has no place in America.

And the reaction from the Republicans was,

really,

we can't applaud that.

Politically.

There were so many moments that were just strange that we applaud.

Didn't you feel like it was just weird?

Well, I mean, poor Kamala having to get up and down.

It reminded me of church when I was a kid.

Always having to get up and down, et cetera.

But that was on purpose.

That was, look how healthy I am.

I can get up, I can do down, I can do squats.

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

But political violence has no place in America, and both parties can't applaud that.

I mean,

I don't know where you could go past there.

Well, and that's got to be the strategy for winning, is that we understand now that Trump has a stranglehold on the right, all right?

They're gone, and they're all going to come out for him.

So we need to make sure that we come out for our guy.

And that's what's so critical.

Stop criticizing him, stop making fun of him, stop trying to play both sides.

Well, maybe.

No, if you want to live, it's like De Niro said.

If you want to live in the world Biden is fighting for, then we need to fight for Biden.

I think eventually people will, even if they don't like him.

They will.

So.

On the other topic about like seeing him more, I think the more you see him, even if he does mess up, you'll see him so much that it won't matter as much.

In the same way where Trump is out there all the time, like tongue-tied, twisted, calling Nikki Haley Nancy Plusty.

It's so much, you're just like, oh,

it's just, it's there.

Whereas like you only see Biden so infrequently that you're kind of like,

you can only remember, oh, the last time he came out, he called the Mexican president the Egyptian president.

And it like is the last time.

You do it every day.

Yes, and then everyone's like, oh, that's just old Joe.

So you mentioned Nikki Haley.

I mean, the Super Tuesday, she

cut out of the race.

I don't think there's a future for her in the Republican Party now, at least as long as Trump is ascended, and that looks like it's going to be for a while.

I know it's crazy to think that she could run with Biden, but that's my dream.

A unity ticket.

And then he would, I think, definitely win because nobody's going to.

And of course, she's said some crazy things.

Most politicians have, not as crazy as we've never been a racist country.

I mean, that's pretty crazy.

Wow.

But you would literally destroy the Democratic base.

I mean, take off the first African-American female vitality.

She's a woman of color.

Wink, wink.

But it's just like black women are like the core of the Democratic Party.

I mean, what about, okay, so not that.

Mitt Romney as Secretary of State.

Something

to reach across so that we don't live in this world where we are just

where everybody everybody sees the other side as an existential threat.

Well, that's what Biden can do.

Hopefully when he wins, you can have a unity cabinet, right?

You can have moderate Republicans from the other side because that will also send a message to Republicans that if you defy Trump, you're not lost in the wilderness.

Come on in.

There's room for everybody.

And that would be great.

They are.

Like,

I don't know anyone who has survived Trump.

I mean, no one survives Trump.

When he comes out against you, if you are an elected official, you get a primary challenger and you lose every single time.

And it's just like no one survives Trump.

So maybe, yeah, you sit it out and then you hope that Biden brings you into the cabinet the next time around.

Now that he's vanquished Nikki, I mean,

if he wins,

who in the Republican Party is left to say no to him?

I can't think of a single.

No, no, no, no, no.

I can't think of a single person.

I mean, Liz Cheney is gone and Mitt Romney is gone.

Adam Kinzinger is gone.

Yeah, yeah.

They're all gone.

This is it.

No one who would not embrace the authoritarianism.

Yeah, all our fantasies about primaries, they're all done.

All right, this is what we got.

We either have really sweet, nice, wise, Santa Claus old man, or we have syphilis Al Capone old man.

That's it.

We think that's syphilis for sure, right?

Has that been determined?

With either with Al Capone or Donald Trump.

I think both have been proven.

Yeah, yeah.

So let's talk about foreign affairs for a minute.

Your new book is about China?

It's a new short story and it's about the coming, well, not hopefully, not coming war with China, but it does touch on the fact that whether we like it or not, there is a new Cold War.

It's here.

We're late to the party, but it has been happening for the last few years.

But it's not capitalism versus communism.

It is democracy versus autocracy.

And that's it.

And the democracies are lining up behind us.

We're team captain and the autocracies are lining up behind China.

They are the team captain and we need to understand that.

More so than Russia.

Oh, no, no, no.

Russia is going to be a vassal of China.

China is the engine, they're the economy, they're the population.

This is why I say that Biden, thank God, for the first time in 20 years, we have the right man in the right place in the right time.

Because he will do what about because what he's doing right now, he understands that when you're in a clash of true civilizations, it has to be all in.

It's called wholeness of nation.

That's got to be the strategy.

That was the strategy in the two world wars.

It was the strategy in the Cold War.

And what that boils down to is

we have to invest in every sector of our society to make sure every American can be the best they can be.

Because we're never going to match China quantity.

for quantity, right?

We are Ukraine versus Russia in that.

We have to match their quantity with our quality.

Where are a lot of the evil things that they do?

I mean, just the facial recognition alone.

Yeah.

Just that ton of security state.

Forget about what they're doing to the Uyghurs, but Uyghurs, but don't forget about it.

And one of the silly things that the left did, because everything had to be about race in this country, was conflating any, anytime you criticize China, you're a racist because they're not white.

Oh, really?

That happened to me.

That happened to me.

I was literally had another book coming out a few years ago when I was talking to my British publishers and I had given an interview about Taiwan and criticizing the Chinese Communist Party and they said, well, you know, we've got to be careful about Asian hate.

And I said, whoa.

Right.

You're just saying that Xi Jinping speaks for all Asian people?

FYI, the Taiwanese are Chinese too.

And you're playing right into his hands because he's going to scream racism every step of the way.

That's also where our diversity comes into play.

We have a lot of awesome Americans of Chinese descent who can be loud and proud and say, no, no, no, we're not in a conflict.

with the Chinese people.

It's that guy at the top and his party.

They're the evil that we need to stand against.

Okay, we'll have to wrap it up there.

We're entertaining you two.

Thank you.

Time for New Rules.

Okay, New Roll golf influencer Paige Sporanik has to tell us, what's your secret?

I mean, with 3.9 million Instagram followers, those golf tips must be incredible.

Pathetic.

You know what?

I don't need to get my erotic kicks pretending I care about golf.

That's why I watch the Weather Channel.

Neural, now that Macy's says it's closing 150 stores, they have to tell us one thing.

Where?

Where did you hide them?

Behind Sears?

I have an idea.

Don't close Macy's.

Just take everything off the racks, throw it on the floor, and call it TJ Maxx.

Neural, now that Jason Kelsey has some free time because he's retired from football, he has to solve mysteries.

Mystery number one, where's your mouth?

Do you even have one?

Or is it just more beard?

The last time I was looking for lips through this much hair, it was 1972 and I was losing my virginity.

Speaking of mysteries.

New rule, now that Amelia Earhart's plane may have been found, let's agree the only mystery left in the world is, who still uses Redbox?

Let me get this straight.

Instead of streaming a library of films from the comfort of my own home, I can drive to 7-Eleven, step over a junkie, and shove my hand in a rusty dispenser for a DVD.

Well, count me in.

Why Netflix and chill when I can red box and tetanus?

New Rules, someone has to explain to me how women got saddled with March as Women's History Month.

31 straight days telling women you are valued, you are appreciated, and you are seen, followed immediately by April Fools.

Okay,

and

finally, New Rules, since award season wraps up this Sunday with the Oscars, after which we take a year off to replenish the world supply of Ozempic.

It's time to welcome back real-time's own award show, the Cahonies.

The award show.

The award show that recognizes those who, at the risk of their reputations and livelihoods, have fought back against canceled culture, whether it comes from the left or the right.

Tonight, from Hollywood, the second annual Cahonies Awards, honoring outstanding achievement in growing a pair.

And now, here's your host, Bill Maher.

Thank you, and welcome to the Cahonies.

I'll be your host for the next four and a half hours, and tonight,

We've got a lot of anxious nominees hoping to get their hands on my balls.

So let's get right to it.

Our first cohonies goes to Dartmouth University President Cion Baylock, who reinstated standardized testing and admissions and by bringing back the SAT made a clear and brave statement.

It's not racist to test if high school students know shit.

But if you're stupid, don't panic.

Harvard, Stanford, and Princeton are still test optional.

Yes, it's a great time to be a dumbass, but not at Dartmouth.

So Sion,

for bringing back testing, you get these testies.

Our next award goes to Rosie Blair, who had been a plus-sized body positivity influencer, but then, like Leah Remini, leaving Scientology, realized that obesity wasn't a positive at all.

In fact, it sucks.

And lost over 60 pounds, which for our British viewers is the equivalent of losing Victoria Beckham.

But not everyone was happy with Rosie's choice, and the response from the people who are so against body shaming was to scream, shame!

But Rosie refused to be bullied and said, I have zero remorse for being public about my weight loss.

Two years ago, I couldn't wipe my own ass.

We'll skip the handshake, but for standing up for

health of

ideologically driven insanity, this award is for you.

Our next Tahoni goes to California State Senate leader Tony Atkins because eight years ago California did a real California thing and banned business travel from any of its state employees to any state in America where the laws about gender identity and expression weren't up to California standards, forgetting that no one is ever up to California standards.

Which meant that any Cali state worker from congressmen to college football coaches weren't allowed to visit on business half the country, evil totalitarian police states like Iowa.

But Tony Atkins said, having grown up lesbian in the South, I know from personal experience growing up in a rural community where it is more conservative that the way to change people's minds is to have direct contact.

Polarization is not working.

So last year, California repealed the ban.

We can trade with Ohio again.

So Tony,

these cojones are for you, which you can display on your mantle ironically.

Our next award goes to Garth Brooks, who sings country music, so naturally he owns a bar.

And naturally, last year he got a lot of shit for continuing to serve Bud Light, because as we all know, it makes you gay or worse tolerant.

But it took guts for Garth to not throw Bud Light under the bus because country singers are beholden to red state fans.

It's why there's no song called She Thinks My Prius is Sexy.

But Garth just said, if you're an asshole, there are plenty of other places to go.

And that he wasn't going to stop selling a certain beer because a trans woman once touched a can.

For reminding us that there's also a cancel culture mob on the right, Garth, here are two more friends that hang in low places.

And finally tonight, the Cahoni's Lifetime Achievement Award for excellence in not giving a fuck.

This year goes to J.K.

Rowling, who's famous for two things, a massive transfer of wealth from the world's children to her checking account,

And for being endlessly vilified for refusing to bend the knee and kowtow to the one true opinion that a biological woman and a trans woman are completely indistinguishable in every way.

I'm sorry you had to hear that, kids.

Feel free to call a suicide hotline or post an angry TikTok.

When a trans woman was convicted recently of murder and torturing cats, Rowling was incensed that Sky News and other British media would not include in their reporting that this person was transgender and so tweeted, these are not our crimes.

I'm so sick of this shit.

And I don't blame her.

How many biological women torture cats?

None.

It's a guy thing.

Just like murder is mostly a guy thing.

The fact that a person committed it while wearing a wig and lipstick is irrelevant.

But what's not a guy thing is having balls and lady, you got them.

All right, that's our show.

That's our show.

I'll be at the Center for Performing Arts in San Jose, April 20th, the Eccles in Salt Lake City, April 21st, and Arizona Financial Field in Phoenix, May 4th.

I want to thank Max Brooks, Tara Palmeri, and Robert Teiro.

Now I'll go watch overtime on CNN at 11:30 and catch it Saturday morning on YouTube.

Thank you, folks.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.