Ep. #557: Joe Scarborough, Frank Bruni, Charlamagne Tha God

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Night Series, Real Time with Bill Moss.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hey.

Thank you very much.

Wow.

All right.

Thank you so much for coming and

testing and helping.

Thank you very much.

Oh, I appreciate it.

I'm

glad you're in a good mood.

I got thank you.

I got to tell you, I had kind of an up-and-down week.

Oh, I got all my money finally out of GameStop.

And I put it all into Dr.

Seuss' books.

So I just up and down.

Yeah, I'm sure you heard about the big controversy this week.

Yes, Dr.

Seuss, the estate, canceled, or the six books were discontinued for depictions that they said were hurtful and wrong, especially that one passage where the Grinch says, Whose will not replace us?

That was

Delayed laughter is fun, as long as there's laughter.

That's all I don't care how long it takes to get there.

I'm just happy for it.

Yeah, I can't keep up with who's on the shit list anymore.

You know, Mr.

Potato Head is.

I didn't even know what this fucking thing was.

Mr.

Potato Head is no longer Mr.

Potato Head.

I'm not sure why, but he's just Potato Head.

I'm not making this.

I can't keep up.

Parody cannot keep up.

Also, silly putty is now on the spectrum putty.

It's crazy shit.

But,

you know,

now here's

among the things I like about Joe Biden,

he doesn't buy into this culture war shit.

He ignores it.

And he's got a 60% approval rating.

So, you know, I think, yeah.

And

also, levels of malarkey have never been lower.

A good indicator we have.

But no, we are actually as divided as ever.

15 states, like it started with Texas, then Mississippi, Alabama, Wyoming, Iowa, no more masks.

They're completely opening up again.

I tell you, half the country's with Dr.

Fauci and half of them with Dr.

Zeus.

And Texas, whoa, they are really radical on this.

Do not mess with their guns, their God, or their $2 shooters at Applebee's.

These motherfuckers,

the governor of Texas, he quoted Patrick Henry, well, not an exact quote.

He said, give me liberty and give me death.

But President Biden,

he's mad about this.

He says, opening up too soon, we're jumping the gun.

He called this Neanderthal thinking.

And listen to this.

Marsha Blackburn, Trump-loving Republican senator from Tennessee, defended Neanderthals.

Again, I can't keep up with the comments.

She did.

She said Neanderthals, they're protectors of family, they're resilient, and they're resourceful.

And they're extinct.

I feel we should enter that into the record.

Oh, I mean.

Oh, it was a sad week for the Trump nuts this week, that the QAnon cult, yesterday, March 4th, wink wink,

was supposed to be the day in QAnon nut world when the real inauguration would take place and Trump would be revealed as the one true president, just as the ancient prophecy predicted in the tweet of Revelations.

Who are these people who believe this shit?

We don't know what the proud boys are proud of, but it's not their grades,

I don't think.

I mean,

I try not to be too mean.

But I mean, well, I don't try that hard.

But I mean, you know, they believe in the Democrats running a giant pedophile ring and that they eat babies and Jewish space lasers.

And the latest, I'm not making this up, that Obama is Hitler's grandson.

And then you mention COVID and they go, you know, you can't believe everything you hear.

But if you are any Q people out there, you know I am Q.

Good news, you know, if you're crestfallen from this news this week and you need a hug, Andrew Cuomo is available.

I just want to.

What are we booing already?

But because he's a Democrat, excuse me, how can a politician of this high profile be this fucking stupid?

We're four years into the Me Too era.

He's this dumb that you don't get don't hit on the help,

don't touch people without their permission.

What?

Thank you, one guy.

What could this guy be thinking?

You know, he's hitting on what he said, you know, I he told the girl, I'm open to a relationship with a woman in her 20s.

No kidding.

How big of you?

What is this?

Yes.

Who hasn't dreamed of banging Chico Marx?

Some people remember Chico Marks, and they're laughing their ass off right now.

Not a big contingent, but...

But no, Cuomo, apparently, he asked one of the staffers, she was 25, how she felt.

This is, you know, his...

her version, but I don't think he's denied it, how she felt about having sex with older men.

And then he said he was just making small talk.

Hey, just you know pick a subject any subject I don't know anything in the world sex with older men what do you think start the conversation

he's an amazing man an Italian with no game

and so

so

tone deaf you know a lot of people want him to resign now and he said he is not going to leave his job because then where am I going to meet chicks?

Tone deaf.

He said, I know people have disappointed me, but I'm sorry, I just won't quit.

You know, like J-Lo's ass.

I mean, this guy.

All right, we got a great show.

We have Charlemagne, the guy, and Frank Bruni.

But first up, he's co-host on MSNBC's Morning Joe, an author of Saving Freedom, Truman, the Cold War, and the fight for Western Civilization.

Morning, Joe, Scarborough.

Joe?

How are you?

Good.

Great to see you.

Human beings.

Yes, human beings.

I have not seen humans in a while.

And good laughing human beings.

This is our best crowd yet.

Sort of delayed laughter sometimes.

Once?

Just once, but that's okay.

I'm good.

Chico Marks.

Chico Marks.

That's good.

I know.

Do you remember Chico Marks?

Of course I do.

I'm old, though.

We're old.

We've been doing this for a long time.

But I never had kids, so I feel like I may be old, but I'm still the latest version of me.

It makes a big difference.

I have four kids, aged 62 to 12, so I've been doing this for a long time.

You know, though, it's crazy.

I, you know, I've been doing this with you

a long time ago.

But not recently.

I was just going to ask you, the last time I saw you, you were a Republican.

Yeah.

Well, I mean,

it's not like 1924.

But I was just going to say, really quickly, before we talk about that, it's so nice to be here.

And your people stick around.

Like, this is a family that's been here for 25

years.

I mean that's

an awful lot about you or an awful lot about them.

Well

they are

they are the nicest people.

I would say they make up for the snarky host.

It helps.

It helps us.

But honestly, tell me about this because

you're an Independent now.

Yeah.

So what does that say?

To me it says that you think the Republican Party is unsavable.

Unsavable.

Oh, no doubt about it.

Because otherwise you would want to stay on, right, and reform it, but you think it's...

It can't be saved.

It cannot be saved.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, it's the craziest thing in the world because, again, talking about us, and when I first came here, I remember you were the only guy that would actually defend conservatives.

Somebody attacked me on my first show here, I think

called me a bigot and a racist because I was a Republican from the South, a conservative.

And you defended me.

And I said, oh, it was very nice, you know, somebody defending somebody because they're conservative.

I used to get attacked by liberals because I was a conservative.

Now I'm getting attacked by people who voted for a fascist.

because I'm a conservative.

And that's, you know, my friends and my family members, they all voted for him.

And

it's been hard for me to sort of process it.

But the only way

I've been able to come to terms with it is, you know, they're not fascists, but they voted for an ignorant man who is a fascist.

I don't understand why.

I've seen focus groups over the past couple of days of Trump voters who still would support him, who say things like, I like Donald Trump.

Because of where he stands.

I can't even say with a straight face.

On the issues.

Now you tell me, what the fuck does that mean?

What issues?

What issues does this guy share with conservatives?

He left with the biggest deficits ever, the biggest debt ever.

He undercut all of our allies, all of

the allies that Reagan championed.

He embraced Russia.

He's gone, Joe.

Why are are we still talking about it?

Because

75 million people.

And I've got to say,

all of my people,

my tribe, they voted for him.

So when I see these focus groups, I feel like it's at, you'll remember this movie, because you remember Chico Marks.

There was this late 60s movie called Journey to the Other Side of the Sun, where everybody looked the same.

but everything was opposite.

And so when I see focus groups with Trump supporters, I'm like, yeah, they all voted for me.

And the strangest things come out of their mouths.

Well, when they took the straw poll at CPAC, the conservative convention last week, the big issue,

way bigger than the ones you would think would be bigger, like abortion,

election integrity.

The Republican Party as it is now is sort of becoming a one-issue party.

We was robbed.

We have to prevent Democrats from voting.

That seems to be their raison d'être now.

So you would admit, admit, everybody I think in America would, that we need two, we probably need five parties, but we need at least two.

So if we only have the Democrats and the conspiracy theory party,

that can't work.

There has to be a loyal opposition to the Democratic Party, because like here in California, we don't have it, and that's why I can't get my solar turned on.

Oh, damn, I meant to agree.

You know,

I look at some of the senators who really disappointed me over the past 40 years, and I look at how they responded on January the 6th, and it was really important what they did.

Who are we talking about?

Cruz and Hawley?

No, no, they should be in jail.

Cruz and Hawley are sedition?

They should be in jail.

Well,

you can look at the federal statute for

inciting sedition, and it seems to me that's what they did.

But you look at some of the senators, Ben Sass, who came out and was quite critical on the House side.

You look at Liz Cheney.

I will say this, too.

I gave him hell for four years, but Mitch McConnell, on the 6th, when he stood up and he said, this is the most important vote I've taken in my lifetime, and we're going to vote today, and we're not going to let the mob have their say.

That was significant.

There are some Republicans, Liz Cheney in the House has stood up.

There's some Republicans who have stood up actually for basic things like a peaceful transfer of power.

But didn't Mitch McConnell then say he's going to vote for Trump if he ran again?

I mean,

how is that standing up?

If Cruz should be in jail, I don't know why Mitch McConnell shouldn't be his mate.

But okay.

But

some of these people, the guy who took your seat,

I mean that politically,

in Florida.

Yeah.

What was you?

You represented the panhandle?

First District of Florida, yeah.

First District.

Okay, so that is the

Redneck Ribiera.

Yeah.

Is that the Well, we've always called it the Redneck Ribiera, L.A., also Lower Alabama.

Right.

Yeah, a lot of different things.

This guy, Matt Gates, if you don't remember him, show the picture.

He's,

I always say it's the

eat this nerd,

Congressman.

And he does look like a guy from Dr.

Seuss, by the way.

Do you have that?

There.

I mean, he looks almost exactly.

So

just

let's use that as an encapsulation of where the Republican Party has migrated.

You represented that district in the 90s.

When was your last year in Congress?

2001.

2001.

And guess what?

In 2001, we had a $155 billion surplus.

We had balanced the budget four years in a row.

We did things that small government conservatives said they were for.

That's what we did.

Now we have the biggest deficit ever, the biggest national debt ever.

Donald Trump broke the record for deficits and debt even before COVID.

So they don't ⁇ the Republican Party.

Again, there have been problems, but they just don't ⁇ there just aren't a lot of conservatives in there anymore.

Bill Clinton, I think, was president when they got the budget down to zero.

Yeah, and by the way, by the way, he worked with us all

every step of the way.

Well, no, he really didn't.

But

he ended up having to sign a lot of the stuff we said.

All right.

I want to mention your book before we run out of time.

Because we really don't want to debate Bill Clinton.

No.

I didn't want to debate Trump.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I know.

And

I'm really not a bitch.

Let's go back to Truman, because that's your book.

Okay.

I'm obsessing about the 75 million people who voted for Trump.

Okay, so, but why Truman?

Because, you know, you could have written about anybody.

Right.

And look, I think it's, I was reading it.

It's a fantastic read because I'm a history major.

I love history.

And that's a period right after World War II that I think is,

people don't realize how much the world could have gotten fucked up beyond recognition because people are complacent after something like a big war.

You're exhausted.

And Truman was the guy who brought us NATO and

put Stalin on notice.

You're not going to be able to take over the rest of the world.

The Marshall Plan.

So that's why you wanted to write it, because you thought he never got his due?

Well, yeah, I mean,

he did more things over a short period of time,

had a bigger inbox over a shorter period of time, I think, than any president.

My God,

any president, obviously, since World War II.

But what I loved about Truman was

he actually, he knew how to make things work because he was actually a product of Washington, D.C.

He'd been a senator for 10 years.

And I get so sick and tired of people saying, oh, I want an outsider.

I want somebody.

No, if I'm getting brain surgery, I don't want an outsider.

I want somebody who's

operated on a thousand different people.

If I'm flying in a plane, the same thing.

And so Truman actually knew

how to surround himself with the best and the brightest.

He had the

greatest people around him, whether it was Averill Harriman or whether it was George W.

And is this Biden as well, you're saying, that's similar?

Well, when I wrote.

He's a product of Washington.

Yeah, he's

he should he should know he didn't just get into town a couple of weeks ago.

He should know how Washington works.

So I bet I with Truman, I started writing it at the beginning of the campaign, but

experience matters.

Yes.

We actually need experts and more importantly, we need somebody that can reach across the aisle.

And Truman did this, even though he was a partisan.

He reached across the aisle to Arthur Vandenberg.

He worked with him every day.

He said, I'm not going to surprise you.

This is what we need to do.

Stalin's on the march.

He dealt with a lot of isolationists.

He said, this is a mistake we made with Hitler a decade ago.

We can't make it again with Stalin.

And the Soviets are on the march in Greece, in Turkey.

And he actually,

there was a partnership with Republicans.

And he had not only worked with Vandenberg during the day, he would send his staff over at night.

and go by his townhouse and say, okay, this is what we did today.

You have any problems with this?

And I know people say, oh, well, Washington can't work that way anymore.

I think it can.

But you have to have people who actually know how Washington works.

You need someone who remembers Chico Marx.

Exactly.

Thank you, Joe.

Good morning, Joe.

Thank you for coming by in the evening.

Great to see you again.

All right, let's greet our panel.

I didn't go to change the rules.

Okay.

There they are.

Wow.

One an all-star group today.

He is an op-ed columnist for the New York Times and a CNN contributor, our friend Frank Bruni's over here.

Frank, how you doing?

And he's co-host of the nationally syndicated radio show, The Breakfast Club, and iHeartRadio.

Charlemagne the God is on our show.

Thank you for doing this.

I didn't know the table moved.

I thought the edible kicked in early.

I was like, yikes.

Yes.

Well, it's the Ouija board I'm using here.

So, gentlemen, I want to talk about money tonight just to start because that's that's what the Democrats ran on.

They ran on getting a minimum wage to people in America, and that has been stalled.

But now I'm reading about Biden is compromising on the stimulus plan, which I think he should.

It's $1.9 trillion.

Here's what I read in your paper, Frank.

The plan would send $1,400 checks to individuals earning up to $75,000.

And couples making $150,000 would get $1,400.

Meanwhile, 53 million Americans, that's 44% of all workers, have low-wage jobs, no kidding.

Median hourly wages, $10.22 an hour, means they take in $18,000 a year.

I mean, I understand not being able to pass the minimum wage because you're fighting the Republicans.

I think they should keep trying, and I think they should die on that hill, by the way.

We'll get to that.

I don't understand writing a bill where you're sending out checks to people who make $150,000 instead of more to the people who make $18,000.

And that's the Democrats.

So

anyone wanna

defend the Democrats on that?

No.

Great.

Okay.

It's crazy, right?

Is that not fucking crazy?

It's insane, you know?

And for me, it's just like, yo, who gives a shit?

The national debt is $27 trillion already.

What's the extra $1.9

trillion?

You're going to wait until you're already $27 trillion in debt to start complaining about where the fucking money goes?

No, but I think if you're going to send the money out,

I wouldn't send it to people who are making $150,000.

I don't know if they need a check for $100.

You're being an idealist.

You're looking for legislation that's made with a scalpel.

Most legislation is made with a meat cleaver.

Right.

And that's the case here.

I mean, if you go through this bill and you look at all of the different

proposals in it, you're going to find some stuff that looks really smart and that you like, and you're going to find some stuff that...

But that seems giant and glaring.

And I just feel like if the Democrats don't win this minimum wage battle, this is their last chance to win back the little guy.

You know, if you can't win this one, I feel like this should be whatever the nuclear option for this would be, whatever Mitch McConnell would do to win this.

Because otherwise, you're not, who are you?

You're not the guy for the little guy.

No, I agree.

I mean, number one, they would be keeping a campaign promise, right?

And number two, it's just the right thing to do.

Like, I was reading an editorial by my man, Reverend William Barber, and he said that a $15 minimum wage increase will lift 40% of black workers and 62 million poor and

low-income Americans of every race.

If you have the opportunity to make somebody's life better, you just simply do it.

You know, number one,

it's the right thing to do morally.

And it's the right thing to do politically.

Like, if Kamala Harris wants to run for president in the future, you think people aren't going to remember who put money in their pocket?

Like, I remember who used to give me free food at McDonald's when I was young.

You know what I mean?

They'll never forget that.

But let's be clear, the Democrats didn't just leave this on the side of the road.

They didn't just say, okay, let's cut this out.

The parliamentarians said, no, this can't be part of this particular relief and stimulus package.

Yes, they will come back at this.

They absolutely will for the reasons we're all talking about.

This is a perfect alignment of their political ideals, their political philosophy, and a really popular issue.

In Florida, this last election cycle, while Floridians were voting for Donald Trump, more than 60% of them voted for the minimum wage to go up in that state to $15 by 2026.

And Florida is not a purple state.

Florida is kind of reddish, actually.

And so this is a winner.

This is a big winning issue for the Democrats if they go for it.

Economically, because, yes, I'm sorry, but that eventually, whatever that number is that you cited there, the debt.

27 trillion.

It's going to catch up to us.

How can you?

There's going to be a crash.

I mean,

you can't keep going on like this.

And then we're all going to be poor.

Yeah, but the only time America complains about money is when they got to give it to the people who actually need it.

Well,

and that's, but here's the thing: if you, when, when, when the minimum wage is this low, you know who winds up paying the government.

McDonald's doesn't pay its workers enough, so then they get food stamps.

So the government is really subsidizing a giant corporation like McDonald's.

Meanwhile, I'm reading about

Lady Gaga

had her dogs kidnapped.

Did you cover this story?

Sorta, kinda.

I did not.

Sort of.

Kinda.

Okay.

She asked for a half a million.

She offered a half a million to get them back?

Just for information.

Not even the dogs.

It's just half a million dollars for information leading, and I think she got them back finally, but I...

I was going to volunteer.

I think I know where those dogs are.

Oh, I heard some shit on the street.

Hey,

spending money on bullshit is the American way.

They spend a $1.7 trillion on a failed F-35 fighter jet.

But when it comes to the American people, they're complaining about where the dollar's at.

I know, but it just struck me as funny that I hear so much about privilege,

but when it's somebody who's on the blue team, we just left that pass because really, half a million dollars for information.

It's her money dogs, right?

It's her money.

Absolutely.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Hey, if I had a half a million dollars for a reward when I lost something, I probably wouldn't offer it, but I probably would.

I don't have a kind of money, so I can't even put myself in that mindset.

Okay.

They were very cute dogs.

Pictures of them?

They were.

Okay, so last month the Biden administration said, speaking of money, they want to study reparations.

Study it.

Compensate descendants of slaves for unpaid labor by their ancestors.

Jen Sackey, the press spokesman, said, we'll see what happens in the legislative process.

I'm curious where you are on this issue.

I mean,

there's a collective guilt that's asking individuals to recompense.

I think that's how we would frame that.

Listen, I think reparations has to happen for black people.

You know what I mean?

Because slavery was America's original sin.

And I really don't think no good is going to come to this country until they atone for their original sin, which was slavery.

I mean, my ancestors literally built this country for free.

So when you see all of this money being thrown around, you know, $27 trillion in national debt, $1.7 trillion for failed F-35 fighters.

$10 million for dogs.

Half a million for fucking dogs.

It's like if you're black in this country, you have to be like, well, what the hell?

What's up with us?

You know what I mean?

So for me personally, I...

But again, I don't even see what the issue is.

I don't know.

Well, the issue is that that's the collective guilt.

But individual white people are saying, I didn't do it, and my ancestors didn't even do it,

and you are not your ancestors.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm a descendant of those ancestors.

I know, but.

Hey, listen, when a debt is old, a debt is old, period.

But you've got a lot of money, so you say you should get more.

Should I get more?

Well, no.

You should get a check.

Yes, I'm 97% a West African, born in Charleston, South Carolina, so I should definitely get a check.

But if...

If it's to the point where, you know what, you make too much money, we don't think you deserve it, cool, give it to somebody who needs it.

But to act like black people in this country don't deserve reparations is absolutely nuts to me.

Hey, this is what I want.

Put it like this.

America, just treat black people like they're F-35 fighter jets.

You had $1.7 trillion to throw at that bullshit.

Throw it at the people who actually built this country.

But I don't see how anybody

can dispute that.

But again,

you didn't build this country.

So what?

For you personally, so what?

I'm a descendant.

But I'm saying,

we can't write a check to a ghost.

Why not?

Why not?

Because, you know, especially when the ghost's descendants are still

here.

Listen, let me ask you a question.

How do you write the wrong of slavery then?

Well, I mean, I think reparations can come in many forms.

Why not?

Cash is king.

It's America.

No, no, I agree.

I mean, I think reparations do come in many forms.

We should be spending much, much more on the schools that serve black children.

We should be spending much, much more on the infrastructure in black and predominantly black communities.

We should be doing all sorts of things to close the opportunity gap, which is enormous and which we've done a a terrible job closing.

A debt is owed, and that's one of the ways you repay it.

The problem I have with the reparations conversation is the questions you were asking a moment ago, it's practically a non-starter.

I mean, in terms of practicality, no one's going to agree on the terms.

No one's going to agree exactly on the eligibility criteria.

Nobody's going to agree on the amount, and it's politically very unpopular.

And while we're talking about something that I don't think is passable, and that's why Obama didn't talk about it well,

what?

Why are they not passable?

Look at public opinion polls.

It's just not going to get done.

And that's not about the merits.

That's about the appeal out there.

And in the meantime, there's so much we can and should be doing that could be called reparations about the debt we owe.

Well, let's change the name.

Call it economic equity packages.

Whatever it is, as you said, again,

I could say Obamacare,

which helped

black and brown people way more than white people.

Obviously, all people can sign up for Obamacare, but that is the practical effect of it, is a form of reparations.

You know, I mean, there's a tax that everybody pays.

I don't think it's capped.

You know, rich people pay more.

Those kind of solutions are different.

I mean, can I listen to me what Glenn Lowry says?

He says, it frames the moral claims African Americans legitimately have in the wrong way.

The idea this debt can be paid is a terrible idea.

That's his idea.

Here's the thing.

Once again, it's white people not wanting to be held accountable.

Well, that's a black person.

Well, oh, he's okay, a black person.

Glenn Lowry said this.

Okay.

What's his name?

Glenn Lowry.

You know, Glenn Lowry.

Well, I just think that it's a debt that is owed to black people in America.

Simple.

And I'll ask the question, if y'all don't think it should be cash, what should it be?

If y'all don't think it should be, if there should be any reparations to black people, what should it be?

All right.

So I wanna know, do you think that black people should get reparations?

I think it should be more like what Frank and I are saying.

Different, not a check, no.

I think it should be done more by class.

I mean, 21% of blacks are below the poverty line.

So that means we're giving checks to 80% of people who are not in poverty.

Shouldn't it better be done that's not what I was starting the show with.

If we're going to pass out money, let's pass out.

Let's start with the poor and disenfranchised.

Absolutely.

Is a one-time check going to change a life as much as a real investment in education, as much as a real investment in young people's social programs?

I mean, I think a debt is owed, and I have no problem paying it in cash.

I'm just talking about where the money goes to help the most number of people the quickest.

Yeah, I think it should be all of that simply because there is really no price point that you could put on reparations for slavery.

Like none.

Like, there's no number you can put on what my ancestors went through in this country.

Yeah.

All right.

So, Joe Biden famously said to you: if you have a problem figuring out whether, what?

Did everybody ask you this?

Is that why you're laughing?

Because you never will stop hearing the end of this.

That's cool.

But it was.

It'll live in infamy, right?

It'll live in infamy.

He said, if you have a problem figuring out whether or not to vote for me or Trump, you ain't black.

What do you think about that?

I mean,

I find that not helpful.

I mean, shit, he's still one.

No, I find it not helpful to say to any group of people, if you don't agree with me, you ain't this.

You know, this is like, if you don't agree with me, then just unfriend me.

Good.

Then don't be my friend anymore.

Fuck off.

You know what?

We don't all have to have one true opinion.

Yeah, I think that's when

you're too comfortable.

You know what I mean?

You're saying he was too comfortable.

Yeah, he was too comfortable, and he probably has black people around him who have said that.

Because that was a common sentiment, right?

Like, if you vote for Donald Trump, then there's no way you're not black, because clearly he's against, you know, black issues.

So I think he heard that one too many times, and he thought he could get that off, and everybody would be like, yay, Joe, we agree with you.

And Trump did better with blacks this time than he did the first time.

I don't care.

No, I'm just saying, not everyone agrees with that.

And not everyone has to couch.

That's true.

But everybody agrees.

I think Joe Biden is dying the minute those words left his mouth.

He has a little bit of a brain and mouth coordination problem.

No, but

his heart is a different matter.

I mean,

what's odd about that quote in retrospect is Joe Biden has become over time such a humble man.

I mean, and his presidency thus far is such a portrait in humility, not policy-wise, but in terms of the way he behaves.

And that's a very arrogant remark to make, an out-of-character, and I think it was one of those moments.

He's a gaffe machine.

Speaking of which, I want to bring up Andrew Cuomo because it's fucking funny.

That's why I, why should I lie?

It's funny, it's a comedy show, but you know,

he's just a terrible, terrible, terrible way to hit on women.

And so this is a terrible time for his book to come out, Governor Cuomo's big book of pickup lines.

We have a copy right here.

Would you like to hear some of the...

Oh,

it's terrible.

It's terrible.

For example, do you like pizza?

Because I'd like a pizza that asked.

He's just so worse.

He's terrible at this.

Do you come here often or do I have to move your desk closer?

That's not.

Sex with me is like Manhattan Construction.

It goes all night long.

No.

You make my heart race like COVID through a New York State nursing home.

Terrible pickup line.

Did you know Long Island was named after my penis?

My brother knows Don Lemon.

I admit I'm no Gavin Newsom, but do you really want to date a governor who's prettier than you?

That's all I'm going to say about it this week.

All right, so Andrew Kuomat, let me just put it right out there.

Hanging offense or not?

Should he go?

Or do we have?

Yes.

You want to go first, Frank?

Well, I don't think he should resign today or tomorrow or next week because there's an investigation going on, and I believe in this musty, fusty thing called due process, right?

I'm sorry to cut you off.

This is one where I do not need an investigation.

Like, I've always said on this show that it's a case-by-case basis.

Some people don't like that, because we went to a place in 2017.

It was like, always believe women.

I said, no, women should always be taken seriously.

And, like, Al Franken?

I'm sorry, but I believe Al.

I don't think he's that guy.

Joe Biden.

He didn't get any kind of due process.

I'm not saying that the Cuomo case is ambiguous.

I mean, it does seem that what happened with the young aide, the 25-year-old children.

But I'm just saying I believe these women

politely.

Well, you know.

I don't need to have it investigating.

They are, I believe, every word they say.

So maybe instead of resignation,

instead of resignation, instead of impeachment, we put him in a room with a bunch of lecherous women 40 years his senior, and they hit on him, and he tells us how objectified he is.

I mean, it's interesting, right?

Because

it's the epitome of arrogance and privilege for somebody to still be acting like that after the Me Too time government.

Exactly, I know.

It's just like, yo, it should be some type of self-correction, right?

All men should have had some type of self-correction.

And if you didn't have that self-correction, it will lead to self-destruction, right?

But in the case of Governor Cuomo, it's kind of hard to ask him resign when, to your point, you voted for Joe Biden.

You know, if you weren't upset with Joe Biden, who had more serious allegations than Williamson.

No, no, no, he didn't.

No, he didn't.

He was accused of actually actual rape.

No, he wasn't.

What are y'all talking about?

Are you talking about the hallway incident?

Tyree.

Okay, well, I don't believe that.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

Some I believe, some I don't.

That's my right.

I don't believe her.

These women I believe completely.

I don't think Joe Biden is the guy who finger bangs you in the hallway.

I don't.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

To my point, I'm not saying I believe.

I'm not saying I believe her either.

I'm just saying he had more serious allegations leveled against him.

And I didn't hear people asking for him to resign and drop out of the race.

He doesn't if you take that out of it.

So if you take that incident out, I mean, he denied that 100% again and again.

Andrew Cuomo has basically said about the 25-year-old aide, yeah, well, it was misinterpreted.

But Joe Biden said,

when I asked her if she thought it would be cool to have sex with older men, that was misinterpreted.

That was the misery.

Joe Biden said the same thing.

Joe Biden said, from this point on, I'm going to start respecting women's personal space more.

But that was a different issue.

That's when he was sniffing their hair.

No, seriously.

The first allegation was just, it wasn't even a me-too, evote was interpreted that way in the press.

It was just he was trying to do an old man thing.

Hey, man.

Harassment is harassment.

No, I don't think we can tell

the difference between sniffing hair or saying something inappropriate, because I think sniffing hair is just as inappropriate as saying something inappropriate.

Okay, well, it may be, but he was not afraid of it.

If I was a dude who sniffed your hair right now, wouldn't you think it was weird for me?

I was just laughing at the phrase sniffing hair.

You know, until this, sniffing hair was just a little bit of a teacher.

He was trying to show her encouragement.

She was about to make a speech.

He was.

She was about to make a speech.

He came up behind her just to be like, you're going to do good out there, honey.

You know, I mean, it's as well.

I mean,

let's not pretend we live in this world where all these things are the same.

I agree with that.

Okay.

That I agree with that.

Well, that's then sniffing hair.

But I just, I also, I really do wonder how do they pick and choose who they believe.

I do wonder who they pick, how do they pick and choose who they think should resign.

Who's they?

Well, Democrats are just the media.

It's like I just said, it's just individual.

It's just

your bullshit meter.

What you think is real, certainly based on the character of the person, what you know about them in the past,

what seems logical, what seems rational.

What I hate about the Cuomo thing, don't lie.

You know, don't give me this bullshit about I wasn't making advances.

Yes, you were.

I was just trying to show you.

Just be real about it.

I'm lonely.

I'm horny.

I have no...

I mean, there's there's nothing sadder than a man with no game.

Am I right?

And he thinks he's untouchable.

He really thinks he's an untouchable mob boss.

Like, I don't care how much grease you put in your hair, Cuomo.

You're not an untouchable mob boss.

I mean, he's a bully through and through.

He's a bully across every sector of his life.

And I mean, I hope we in the media have learned a lesson here about demonizing and deifying people.

If you remember, go back and look in March and April when Cuomo was doing those daily news conferences.

There were all sorts of things being written.

Could we get Biden off the ticket and this guy in?

That would be good.

Yes.

That wouldn't have worked out so well, would it?

I wrote one of them myself.

Yeah.

I wrote it.

I remember Jeff saying that in a table.

That's why you're in the middle of the day.

Let's get Cuomo in there for a button.

Yes, and boy, look how the tables have turned.

You go from a hero to public enemy for one just that fast.

We deify people too quickly and we demonize them.

Toast of the town to toast.

My dad would always say, you're never as good as they say you are, and you're never as bad as they say you are.

If you just stay right there in that middle, everything will be fine.

Okay, so

there are some people who don't like when I talk about this next subject, but I'm sorry, I can't listen to 24-7 media talking about COVID death, 500,000, constant updates on how many people have died, and it is a life and death issue, without talking about obesity and the fact that the media and the Fauci of the world won't.

to me is just an example of their tremendous cowardice in the face of the how dare you remind me I'm fat lobby.

But

this is just too important an issue not to talk about.

This is the Washington Post this week.

The vast majority of coronavirus deaths occurred in nations with high levels of obesity.

88% of deaths were in countries where more than half the population is overweight.

Fauci, when he When Trump left, his first press conference, he said, you know, thank God the wicked witch is dead.

He said, let the science speak.

But this is the science.

And he never speaks about it.

He never talks about how we have to be invested in our own health.

Yeah.

It's what's the most crucial thing to your outcome.

I think that's what they mean when they say underlying conditions, right?

Yes.

They say people, instead of just saying what the underlying conditions are, they just say underlying conditions.

That's all I got.

Well, I mean it.

I'm not going to be on Twitter tomorrow with you getting attacked by all of you.

Obese people.

Well,

at least that's honest.

At least he's honest.

I'm not going to be able to battles in 2021.

Right.

I admire that.

No, I'm just not going there.

Okay.

I'll be the guy.

To the extent that there's a reluctance to talk about obesity as an underlying condition, I don't think that's about being irresponsible with science.

I think that's about trying to recognize that for many, many years, and what am I saying, to this day, people who are overweight are shamed in this country.

And they're struggling with it.

They're not just kind of grabbing bag after bag of Fritos with abandon and not caring.

It is a tough thing, I know whereof I speak it is a tough, tough thing to lose weight, to keep weight off.

And so I think when we shy away from talking too much about obesity as an underlying condition, I think we're trying to be big-hearted and generous and understand that humans are imperfect and people really do struggle with this and don't want to be demonized for it.

This is life and death.

I mean, Zamira, yes, I

agree.

Not shaming, not making fun.

I've done things about this issue on the fort, never did cheap fat jokes with it, but to not bring it up,

to not ever go there.

I also read last week that liver disease threw the roof.

because people are at home drinking.

They don't mention that either.

It's not just obesity.

It's just anything that has to do with your own personal health, taking care of your own self internally.

This battle has to be won two ways.

Yes, you have masks and social distancing and vaccines.

That's the external.

But never a word about the internal.

where really you have the better chance of winning the game.

Yeah, and it's not like this country promotes healthy living.

I mean, you know, how many times?

That's right.

How many times do you turn on the TV and see, you know, a commercial for

something healthy as opposed to a commercial for some type of fast food or even some type of alcohol.

And

certain people live in these communities, you know, mostly black and brown people, where there are food deserts, where they don't have access to healthy food.

And that's something we should put money into.

100%.

But instead of

$1,400 to grandma with

our F-35 fucking fighter jets.

Right.

Why is nobody talking about the failed fighter jets?

I talked about it last week.

$1.7 trillion.

I mentioned it last week right here.

You know how many people you can feed healthily with $1.7 trillion?

I know.

I think if you just go back to the Obama administration, I think you will find many efforts to put money into healthy living, and you'll find a vegetable garden at the White House that was meant to be a lesson for the country.

And then we had for four years a president who thought KFC

products were hell food, right?

A fat ass president, you got to call it what it is.

I don't shame people.

You can't expect a fat ass president.

I don't shame people for their

people.

No, it's always okay.

It's always okay to shame them when they're Republicans.

I can make as many fat jokes about Chris Christie and Trump all day long, and that's cool.

I will shame Donald Trump.

That's always cool.

I will shame Donald Trump for his stupidity, for his mendacity, and for complete immorality, not for his experience.

Well, we're not shaming.

We're not shaming.

I thought it was an adjective.

You know what I'm saying?

He's fat ass.

Trump.

He's fat.

Exactly.

So,

probably

last thing I'll get to, but Coca-Cola last week, they put out a diversity training thing asking their employees to be less white.

And the first thing I thought was, well, that's kind of turnaround fair play because I've certainly heard a lot of African Americans talk about how like in the office they had to be less black.

Oh, Jay Simpson said it famously.

He was like, you know, when I go on the air, I have to talk white and you know, I have to comport myself in a different way.

I have to live in two different worlds.

So it's not like unprecedented to ask a certain group of people to be less of what you are, right?

But is this the way of the future?

Is this revenge?

Is it justified revenge?

Is it justice?

And also, how I don't even know.

I don't know how to be less white.

What do I?

I dance better.

What do you think they mean when they say be less white?

I don't.

I really don't.

I don't practically know how to do it.

Well, we live in a country that, you know,

that's full of white supremacy, that we know.

We know that people are racist.

We know that people are bigoted.

I think some people sometimes have a lot of unconscious biases, right, when you're white.

Not just white.

And I think asking somebody to be less white is just to say, yo, man, use your privilege to combat the prejudice that exists within this workplace.

Like if you're a white man, white woman,

use your privilege that you have to combat the prejudice against black people.

If you're a man, use your privilege that you have to combat sexism against women.

If you're a straight man, use your straight privilege to combat the prejudice that exists against the LGBTQ community.

That's all I think they're asking me to do.

The goal is righteous, but I don't think that language gets us there.

I think that language is counterproductive.

Because I don't know either what less white means.

I know what it means to be more sensitive.

I know what it means to be less hasty and my judgment's less bigoted.

And I strive to be all those things.

I don't know what it means to be less white.

Because you're white.

But I'm black.

And being that I'm black, I know exactly what it means when they say, yo, be less white.

Like, I totally, totally understand it when they tell somebody to be less white, because I have been dealing with white people my whole life.

And I don't even think sometimes white people understand the privilege and the power that they possess in this country.

I really don't.

Especially, you know, older white males.

And that's why I think now a lot of older white males think they're being targeted when the truth is they're just being held accountable.

And when you have so much privilege and so much power and

you're not used to being held accountable, you think fairness is oppression.

I just want you to treat us fair.

That's it.

But now that we're asking y'all to treat us fair, y'all are like, oh, I'm a victim now.

I feel oppressed and I feel marginalized.

Like, no, we just want fairness.

I'd also just like to point out, Coca-Cola is not good for obesity.

All right.

That is very good.

New rules, everybody.

New rules.

Thank you, guys.

Okay.

New rules, we have to admit that now that we've gotten these results for the Johnson and Johnson vaccine, it's hard to ignore that things are looking up.

It's nice to see positive test results that are as happy to see me as I am to see them.

Dyner, someone must tell Hasbro, who just announced they're dropping the Mr.

and Mr.

Potato Head to be more gender neutral, that not having genitals is gender neutral enough.

Very true.

Very true.

And before you say this whole thing sounds completely insane, know this, that sales are through the roof at Toys Are They.

New Roll, someone has to tell Eric a farmer who's been accused of not only stealing her neighbor's goat, but painting it.

If you don't want people to think you're guilty, try wiping that look off your face that says, I'll steal your fucking goat and paint it too.

Neural, now that Paris Hilton has a podcast, someone has to find one person in America who saw Paris struggle to get out of a limo with a poodle in one hand and a Cosmo in the other and said, I wonder what she's thinking.

Neural, since America's broken healthcare system charges people thousands of dollars to take an ambulance, Uber should compete with its own emergency service, Uberlands.

It's the same as a regular Uber, except there's band-aids and gauze in the glove compartment, and the driver promises not to talk about his screenplay while you're bleeding out.

And finally, new rule, it's time to raise awareness about a very serious problem.

Raising awareness.

We raise too much of it.

And it's

making us crazy, anxious, and depressed.

Must we be sad about everything all the time, most of which we can't do anything about?

The ribbons, the flags, the ads, the hashtags.

It's like that person on the plane in the next seat who won't take a hint that you don't want to talk.

Please, I just want to look out the window as the engine explodes.

And since it's award season, tonight I'd like to introduce

this ribbon to raise awareness for the growing epidemic of raising awareness.

In March alone, we are marking World Glaucoma Week, National Poison Prevention Week, International HPV Awareness Day, and World Down Syndrome Day.

March is also National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, Brain Injury Awareness Month, Bleeding Disorders Awareness Month, and National Deep Vein Thrombosis Awareness Month.

That's the month of March for you.

It comes in like a brain injury and goes out like deep vein thrombosis.

Oh,

and lest I forget, this Monday kicks off World Salt Awareness Week, a whole week to be aware of salt.

I thought we were.

Is there someone out there thinking, why do restaurants always put the cocaine right next to the pepper?

We're so aware 24-7 of every bad thing that could possibly happen that we've completely run out of colors.

Purple.

is now the color for Alzheimer's, lupus, epilepsy, fibromyalgia,

whatever that word is,

and the opioid crisis.

I used to like that color.

Now it scares the shit out of me.

Everything you can buy now comes in a pink version to raise awareness of breast cancer, including a pink drill bit for fracking, which is probably giving us cancer.

Staples

Staples sells pink breast cancer awareness pens, paperclips, scissors, even a pink stapler shaped like a ribbon.

Walking the aisles there is like a a visit to the Cancer Museum.

Am I a terrible person because I'd like to buy office supplies without needing a drink afterward?

Football players with pink shoes?

Look, let me go on record and say I'm against breast cancer, but I'm trying to escape for a few hours.

Can I just watch the game without thinking about cancer?

We've all heard about it.

It's like raising awareness for death.

Hey, what's that black ribbon for?

Death.

What's that?

It's when you're not alive anymore.

Would you like to hear more?

Budweiser pulled their ads from this year's Super Bowl and donated the money to raise awareness about COVID, which I'm pretty aware of.

Hey, Budweiser, you weren't put on Earth to raise my awareness.

You were put on Earth to lower it.

Humans need to zone out sometimes.

That's why marijuana is popular

and meditating.

It's not a privilege to take a break from everyone else's problems.

It's an imperative.

Not every ad on TV needs to chastise me for not doing enough because I'm sitting around watching TV.

I can't even watch the prices right without thinking about cutting my dog's balls off.

Crew members on the major airlines now wear Black Lives Matter pins during the flight.

You know, you can support a movement without being constantly reminded of it.

Can I just get a rum and Coke and hold the white guilt trip till we land?

Must we use every available platform as an issue billboard?

Clothing, commercials, social media, sporting events, award shows, milk.

I feel like this all started with milk.

Someone in the 80s looked at a milk carton and said, what a waste not using milk as a vehicle for missing children to plead with you to put down the shredded wheat and get out there and crack my cold case.

Look,

I don't have a lab where I can cure cancer.

I'm not a PI.

And that's the part about this stuff that bugs me.

It's not actually doing something.

That ribbon isn't there to make me think so much as to raise awareness of what a good person you are.

This is to activism what putting a flag on your car is to patriotism.

So in April, please, won't you join me for a chill the fuck out month?

All right, that's our show.

I want to thank Frank Brudy, Charlemagne the God, and Joe Scarborough.

We'll see you next week.

Thank you, folks.

You were great.

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