Bonus Bill – Ep. #450

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Night Series, Real Time with Bill Ma.

How are you doing?

Wow, what a terrific reception here!

For you're probably still on a sugar high from Valentine's Day, right?

Is that what it is?

Yeah.

Boy, this was the first Me Too Valentine's Day.

Did you notice that?

I saw a card that said, roses are red, violets are blue.

I've said too much already.

I got a Valentine's card from one of my ex-girlfriends.

It said, I want to hold you to your commitment to reject the patriarchy.

And

so much of a card.

Melania Trump sent one to Donald Trump.

It said, roses are red, violets are blue.

You are the rock in my shoe.

Oh, Trump, what an asshole.

I mean,

after this school shooting yesterday, goes right to the NRA talking points.

Does not even mention guns.

He said the Florida shooter, so many signs that he was mentally disturbed.

Coming from a man who says climate change is a Chinese plot, Obama was born in Kenya, and Russia didn't interfere in the election.

Yes, this is a guy who knows mentally disturbed.

But the other Republicans who know better, Paul Ryan, who's the head of the Congressional Republicans, said he is declining to support, get this, just a proposal.

to form a committee to study gun violence.

I'm wondering, Republicans, if we called school shootings extremely late-term abortions, would you be on board then?

But the teenager who did the killing, he bought those guns legally.

And if he had passed a background check, that's more than anybody at the White House has done.

Oh, yeah, I mean, they're still talking about that alleged wink-wink wife beater Rob Porter, who had to leave the White House last week.

The big question, of course, is when did the White House know and when did they decide to just completely ignore it?

But, you know, whether it's the president's staff or the president himself or a Senate Republican, Republicans always have the same attitude toward these guys who are harassing, which is, he says he didn't do it.

They stay laser focused on that, whereas Democrats go the absolute other way.

If someone comes forward and says, he touched my tit with his elbow in eighth grade, I resign immediately.

I apologize to my constituents, my family, and America and

my elbow is seeking counseling.

That's what they do.

Okay, the budget came out today.

Remember Trump during the campaign every day said he would never cut Medicaid?

Budget comes out, cutting Medicaid by like $300 billion.

They want to cut food stamps and replace it with a box of canned goods.

I'm not making that up.

A box of canned goods.

They're calling it a harvest box because Soylent Green was too on the money.

And Trump, the last guy you want to get nutritional advice from, I mean, he's a huge fat fuck.

He's got hate handles.

But they have found money for what's really important, Trump's military parade.

They're saying it's going to cost $30 million.

Yes, you know know that he wants to have a military parade in Washington.

Yes, he's finally figured out how to get that inauguration crowd that he wants so badly.

He's going to use the people that he can order to show up.

And then they can tell them you have to look like you're having a good time.

They're calling it Operation Stormy Daniels.

Oh.

You know about Stormy Daniels, the porn star that Trump had the affair with?

Well, allegedly, yeah.

Now she says she has a Monica Lewinsky dress from their encounter with Trump's DNA on it.

And if we can test it, I know, ooh, is the appropriate first reaction.

And if we can test the DNA, we can see whether Trump is lying about it.

And also, of course, what percentage of Trump is orangutan.

Because

we've always needed to.

And listen to this.

Trump's mall lawyer, Michael Michael Cohen, says he paid.

Now, this is a fact that Stormy Daniels got $130,000.

Michael Cohen, the lawyer covering for Trump now, is saying he paid that out of his own pocket.

And Trump never reimbursed him.

In legalese, this is what's called pro-boner word.

Wow.

Finally, we are also, boy, holiday month.

It's the Chinese New Year.

Really?

Oh,

I didn't think you'd be that excited about it, but great.

It's the year of the dog, and according to the Chinese astrological code, if you were born in a dog year, you're a dog.

Trump was born in 1946, which makes him a dog.

Now, he, of course, today said this is all nonsense, and then began licking his balls.

I'm kidding.

He doesn't lick his balls.

Sean Hannity licks his balls.

All right, thank you very much.

We're only getting started.

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