Bonus Bill – Ep. #423

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you.

All pleased.

What a crowd, huh?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I think people are happy because you're realizing that you will never again have to live through Donald Trump's first 100 days.

They're almost over.

And

yes,

I am very aware that it's the 100-day mark.

Just from the notches in the wall in my panic room.

I don't know how how

I am building a bomb shelter, which, if he's impeached, can be converted to a wine cellar.

So, you know.

But a hundred days, it's so interesting, isn't it, going from the most respected country in the world to the country that goes to work every morning with its fly open.

If you want to go by the numbers for the first hundred days, he signed 23 executive orders.

He's fired 59 Tomahawk Tomahawk missiles, played 19 rounds of golf, and gone through 147 cans of final net hairspray.

And he said, I'm not making this, I tweeted, he said, he's gotten, tweeted, gotten more done than any other president.

Any other president?

I've got way more Twitter followers than Abe Lincoln.

Mental illness is sad, ladies and gentlemen, and we've become used to it.

He was talking yesterday about the speech he gave to Congress a couple of months ago, like the, I guess it was like the State of the Union, and lots of people were like, oh, he became president that day.

Oh, fuck you.

He didn't president.

But here's what Trump said the other day about that speech.

He said, a lot of people said it was the single best speech ever made in that chamber.

Yes, a lot of people.

Especially this one guy who keeps staring at me in the mirror.

But

my favorite quote, maybe the quote of the year, a senior White House worker was talking to Politico and said, I kind of poo-pooed the experience stuff when I first got here, but this shit is hard.

Somebody really said that.

Trump says when he finds out who says that, he's going to to get rid of that person and replace him with Jared Kushner.

Who is

he just been appointed to our new Secretary of Hard Shit?

Yes, and then of course another thing they found out was hard, I guess it must have been their tax plan.

He released his tax plan.

Tax plan.

He doodled a dollar sign and a smiley face on a napkin and Amarosa said, I'll take it from here.

You'll never guess who is one of the biggest beneficiaries of this tax plan.

Donald Trump.

You did it again.

Donald Trump.

Absolutely.

Yeah, we kind of gave it away when the tax plan calls for eliminating the import tax on mail-order brides.

So that was kind of a

And, you know, they don't even pretend to pay for it.

It's a giant tax cut for all the rich people.

Experts are calling it voodoo economics.

You know, that's where you give big tax cuts to the rich people and then think, well, I'll make it back when they provide economic growth.

Just like when you give your dog a hot dog and he shares it with the other dog.

That's what you do.

And finally, just to get away from Trump for one minute,

this was in the news today.

Bill Cosby says he is working on new material and he's going to be resuming his career.

That's right.

He's going to go back into the small clubs.

He said it's always been his dream to make the upright citizens brigade horizontal.

All right, thank you very much.

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