Bonus Bill – Ep. #422

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Laughing your ass off.

Well, there's a good reason to be happy if you're a liberal.

After a decade of Bill O'Reilly harassing every woman he ever met, Fox News sprang into action and fired him yesterday.

And look,

I don't want to pile on poor Bill.

Come on, he's vulnerable and looking for a job.

And what kind of asshole would harass someone in that position?

Now Bill Bill's taking this well.

He announced his new book today, Killing Gloria Ulred.

Apparently, the last draw over there, because you know, there's a lot of women who came forward, is apparently we found out this week that there was a black woman there working at Fox News who Bill used to call hot chocolate.

He called her hot chocolate and used to always grunt at her.

Just grunting.

And they said, Bill, this is Fox News.

If you're going to say racist things and grunt, save it for on the air.

Yeah, grunting and harassing.

They said, this is not what we call Fox News appropriate.

This is what we call presidential.

Now I tell you,

Bill O'Reilly, I said this on our last show, cannot get late.

I mean,

he has less game than any man in the history of the world.

He and Clarence Thomas should write a book called How to Not Pick Up Chicks.

He is what Anthony Wiener would be if he didn't know how to use Twitter.

Just

grunting.

When Bill O'Reilly was fired, yesterday, you know where he was?

He was meeting the Pope.

I'm not making that up.

He was at the Vatican shaking the Pope's hand.

The Pope shook his hand, and then the Pope said, I hope that's not the hand you jerk off with when you're on the phone.

The Pope said that.

That's the point.

So

other good news for liberals, there was a special election yesterday, or Tuesday in Georgia.

And this is very big because this is a seat that the Republicans have held for decades and decades.

And it looked like the Democrat might take over because the hate Trump movement is so fervid in this country.

And he needed 50% of the vote to avoid a runoff, and he got 48.5%.

But it's inspired the Democrats' new rallying cry, losing by even even slimmer margins.

But you know, North Korea, they don't fuck around.

They're crazy over there.

And Kim Jong-un said, if we do anything they don't like, the U.S.

mainland will be reduced to ashes.

And of course, by mainland, you know what they mean.

Us

here, California.

So if North Korea nukes L.A.

and Trump finds out about it at Mar-a-Lago, it could ruin his cake.

I mean, no one wants,

no one wants war, but Ivanka saw something sad on TV, and that's how our Constitution works.

So Trump had other bigger matters to worry about.

Yesterday, he was with the New England Patriots after the, you know, the Super Bowl team always goes to the White House after their big victory, and, you know, they had that quite a victory, the New England Patriots have.

Remember the Super Bowl?

And Trump said, look, I know what it's like to come from way behind.

And I'm just talking about combing my hair.

And of course,

I have to mention today, anyone celebrating?

It's 4.20 today.

Any celebrators?

Well,

my dealer came by this morning and

dropped on me the mother of all bongs.

And it's a hard day for Trump, because, you know, he hates China, he hates Mexico, or what he calls the axis of Chichen Chan.

All right, thank you for coming.

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